Work Text:
the mellow rays
Mark winces as he hears the doorbell ring, praying silently that it won't wake up the baby or Addison. Both are napping. And though he thinks he can handle Kendall on his own, Addison needs the sleep.
He makes his way to the door quickly, pulling it up with a frown. He's ready to tear into whoever it is but he's surprised to see Derek on the other side of the door. For a moment they both simply stand there awkwardly staring at each other.
"Uh, Derek. Wasn't really expecting you…" Mark starts, scratching the back of his neck absently. His words are low, careful not to make too much noise even though he doesn't think the sound of his voice will travel that far up the stairs. He doesn't want to risk it.
"I know," Derek says with his hands in the front pockets of his jeans. "I wanted to talk to you."
Mark frowns and contemplates just shutting the door in his face but he doesn't. He's still not exactly happy to see Derek on his doorstep though. Their last encounter hadn't been a good one. "I thought you said all you needed to say a few months ago?" Mark retorts glibly, self deprecating smirk on his lips.
Derek sighs at the words, casting his gaze downwards for a moment before looking back up. "I thought I did too. But...I don't know, things are different now," Derek admits quietly, frowning as he looks at his old friend.
"Come in," Mark relents, gesturing him forward with his head as he steps aside. The door opens wider for the other man. "But be quiet. Addison and Kendall are sleeping," Mark warns, fixing Derek with a deadly serious look. Derek can only think of a few other times when Mark's ever been so serious.
Derek nods and let's Mark lead him into the living room. He takes a glance around, having never been inside Mark and Addison's home. Even thinking about them sharing a home together feels weird to him but he's trying to work through it. They are a couple and they have a child together now - as it's been pointed out to him he's just going to have to get over it and get used to it.
As he sits on an armchair and Mark takes the couch, he's surprised to see a basket full of laundry and various baby items scattered around the living room. On the coffee table pushed towards the wall to make room for a playmat, is a baby monitor. He's not surprised to see a little video screen on it; only the best for Addison's child.
He tries not to take notice of the few pictures scattered across the mantle, although there is one in particular that catches his eye. He wants to ask about it but Mark starts talking.
"Are you just gonna sit there like a mute or actually talk?" Mark asks, raising an eyebrow at him.
Derek sighs but figures he deserves that. After all, he did come to their home saying he wanted to talk. But he's finding that it's harder then he thought it was to start speaking and to get his thoughts in order. He needs to do this though because it's been almost two years and he just doesn't think he can survive feeling like he is anymore.
"I thought I'd moved on," Derek starts after a moment, resting his elbows on his knees, leaning forward a little. He looks at his clasped hands and then up at Mark. He needs to look him in the eyes for this. "But seeing Addison pregnant, seeing you two have a life and a family together… It made me feel like my entire life with her was a lie. We'd barely been divorced six months and then she was pregnant by you and...I ignored the rumors, you know? Before she announced it, there were rumors floating around that she was pregnant. That you were the father and I ignored it. I couldn't imagine you two actually doing that. But then I saw you two in the elevator that day. And Addison looked so happy, happier then I'd seen her in years Mark. And it made me question everything."
Mark frowns, shaking his head a little as he gazes at his best friend, unsure where exactly he's going with this explanation. "Derek…"
"Did I ever make her that happy? Could I have?" Derek asks abruptly then, wincing as he says the words.
Mark sighs then, grimacing a little at Derek's questions. "I think that's something you gotta ask Addie, man," Mark tells him. He looks thoughtful for a moment before adding. "But yeah, from an outsiders perspective, I think you did make her that happy. For a while at least," he says with a shrug.
He was around for a lot of their marriage but he only really remembers when it started going South.
Another moment passes in silence then and Derek sits up straighter, running a hand through his hair as he looks at Mark. "That actually wasn't what I came here to ask," he admits with a shrug. His eyes flit back up to the photograph on the mantle, the one that had caught his eye earlier. He took a deep breath. "Did you...always love her?" Derek asks softly, almost as if he's afraid of the answer.
"No," Mark answers quickly, shaking his head. "No, I wasn't always in love with her. Those last couple years though, well it was always Addie and I. You weren't around a lot Derek, whether you want to admit it or not. She became my best friend and...by the time I realised I was in love with her, actually in love, we'd messed it all up. You'd caught us and left. She was...well, a mess and I...wasn't much better. I hurt her and then she came here," Mark says with a sigh, eyes downcast for a moment. He looks up and meets Derek's eyes then. "She's the only woman I've ever loved and I don't plan on losing her again."
"So...so you weren't lusting after her the whole time we were married? And she-"
"No. She was just a friend to me for most of the time you two were together. Like I said before, some of these questions you'd be better off asking her. Might want to wait a month or two before asking her any of this though. A newborn is damn exhausting," Mark tells him with a shrug and a chuckle.
Derek chuckles lightly along with him, though he has no idea what having a newborn is like. And with the way his life is shaping up lately, he's not sure he'll even have the chance any time soon. He still doesn't quite understand how his life is in shambles and theirs is coming together beautifully.
"I bet. She's gorgeous though," Derek murmurs, eyes fixed on the stack of baby photos on the coffee table. The top photograph is of Addison holding Kendall, cradling her against her chest, and Derek is sure he's never seen the look of absolute love on Addison's face that she has when she's looking at her child.
"Yeah, she is," Mark replies wistfully, smiling as he thinks of his daughter and of Addison.
The silence is broken by a sharp cry crackling through the baby monitor. Mark stands quickly, grimacing sheepishly. "I better get her before she wakes Addie up. You good?" he shoots at him, already halfway out the door. Derek just nods.
Derek is left alone then as Mark hurries up the stairs and towards the baby. He stands, suddenly feeling the need to move now that he's alone. He doesn't want to snoop but his eye is drawn back to the picture on the mantle.
As he makes his way across the living room, it registers that he can hear Mark through the baby monitor. He frowns a little as he listens to his ex-best friend cooing sweetly to the infant. This is not the life he ever imagined Mark living and yet he is; with Derek's ex-wife. It feels surreal and painful.
He stops in front of the photo that keeps drawing his attention, leaning forward to look at it closer. It's a Polaroid and in it, Mark and Addison are sitting happily side by side. They're barely touching but Mark's gaze is on Addison, while she's smiling brightly up at the camera. There's something familiar about the setting though and as he picks it up and looks closer, he realises that they're at the Hamptons house. Derek tries to think of when they could've ventured to the Hamptons recently; but comes to the conclusion that the Polaroid must've been taken when he and Addison were still married.
Still contemplating this odd photograph and it's potential implications, Derek doesn't hear when Mark makes his way back downstairs and into the living room. He startles when he hears Mark's voice.
"I just have to give her a bottle," Mark tells him and when Derek looks up he's surprised to find the baby cradled in Mark's arms.
Derek nods and places the Polaroid back in its previous spot. He goes to follow Mark - they both somehow know their conversation isn't over yet. Derek pauses, pointing towards the Hamptons photo.
"When was that taken?" He questions, tone light. It shouldn't be so surprising to him that Addison and Mark had led lives outside of him back in New York.
Mark's eyes flash to the photo and he looks sheepish for a moment. "Almost 2 years. Not long before...you came to Seattle. 4th of July weekend," he says as plainly as possible, trying to hide the guilt as he heads for the kitchen.
Derek follows him, something niggling in his brain at the way Mark had answered. A notion strikes him then. He stands in the doorway of the kitchen, watching as Mark prepares the baby's bottle.
He's suddenly not sure if he wants to ask this question or not. But he feels like he needs to know. "Were you sleeping with her then?" Derek asks quietly, glancing down then back up again. He doesn't miss the way Mark winces.
For a moment the only sound is the baby cooing and the bottle warming up. Once that's done Mark finally turns to look at Derek again. He's still unsure what the point of all this is.
"That weekend was the first time," Mark tells him plainly, seeing no reason to lie, the guilt evident in his voice. Even now, when he has the woman and the baby, he still feels guilty. He doesn't think there'll ever be anything to absolve him of the wreck he made of his friendship with Derek.
Derek's lips purse and he tries not to let the anger overtake him. That wasn't what he was here for.
"So that night. It wasn't the first time?" He asks and even as he says the words, he can't believe he was foolish enough to believe them. He'd wanted so badly to believe Addison when she'd said it was the first time, even when she eventually admitted to staying with Mark afterwards. All the signs were there and he doesn't understand how he didn't see it.
"No," Mark shakes his head. "There were only a couple of other times before the night you walked in on us. That night you did was...the first time in a month or so though," Mark explains, unsure why he's still talking.
The bottle is finished now and he checks it quickly. He picks Kendall up, as well as the bottle and makes his way back towards the living room. He can't help noticing that Derek is stiff and angry as he passes him.
He doesn't think Derek is going to follow him. He thinks he'll just storm out of the house and that'll be the end of their conversation. He's readying himself for disappointment. So he's surprised when Derek settles himself on the armchair opposite him; tense but at least he's still there.
Mark is feeding his daughter now and gazing down at her he realises what he needs to do. He looks up, sighing quietly as he looks at Derek. He still considers Derek his best friend and he still wants to make this right.
"I'm sorry Derek. Never wanted to hurt you," Mark apologises and he thinks this time, Derek might actually listen.
Derek, despite his anger, nods his head. He knows that Mark is sorry; he'd attempted to apologise to him multiple times before but Derek just hadn't been ready to hear it. He wants to move on though, he needs to.
"I know," he murmurs, glancing around the room. His gaze settles on Mark then and watches as his old friend feeds his daughter, turning her over to burp her against his thigh. There's still something he needs to know though because Mark has been his best friend for some thirty odd years. If Derek really thinks about it, it's Mark's betrayal that stung worse. "But why...How could you do that Mark? You slept with my wife. You have a baby with her. I just don't understand how you could betray our friendship like that…"
Mark bristles at some of the phrasing, tensing up before remembering Kendall in his arms. He relaxes but his eyes are still hard as they look at Derek.
"Your ex-wife. I have a baby with your ex-wife...you two were already divorced," Mark corrects him because it feels like an important distinction to him. He sighs though, glancing down at his daughter resting so comfortably in his arms. He's so in love with her that he has to admit she far outweighs the 30 year friendship he ruined to have her. He knows though, that if he didn't have Addison and Kendall, he'd no doubt think differently but he does and he can't find it in him to be sorry for that.
But Derek is, was, his brother and he feels like he owes him an explanation of some sort. Though he doubts it'll be what Derek wants to hear.
"Mark."
"Sleeping with her wasn't about you, Derek. Not for me. I had feelings for her, strong ones and spend enough time together, is it really a surprise?" Mark starts, shrugging his shoulders a little. He focuses on Kendall for a moment, now finished with her bottle and he sets it down on the coffee table. He takes a moment to burp her, tapping her back gently but firmly and grinning when she gurgles out a burp; he'd never admit to anyone but Addison how cute he finds all of Kendall's little sighs and sounds and noises. "I am sorry I hurt you though. Do you think I wanted to fall for Addie? I hated myself for doing that to you. For falling for her, for sleeping with her. For how you found out… It's the worst thing I ever did," Mark tells him sincerely, the last words quiet and regretful.
"Then how can you-"
"But," Mark interrupts sharply because he has a good clue where Derek was going with his words. "I don't regret being with her now and I don't regret having a child with her. You two are divorced Derek. You moved on and Addison and I decided we wanted to try. Properly. And that may be hard for you to accept or...wrap your head around. But frankly man, it's not any of your business anymore," Mark tells him bluntly.
"Not my business?! You were my best friend and she's my wife!" Derek snaps loudly, glaring at his ex friend.
Kendall startles at the loudness of Derek's voice, a frown marring her perfect features and Mark glares. "Keep your voice down!" He whisper-snaps, trying not to radiate anger as he attempts to settle his four week old daughter. He gently bounces her, cuddling her closer to his chest so she can feel his heartbeat.
Derek looks ashamed, he hadn't meant to startle the baby. After a moment though he sighs sadly. "This could've been mine…" he murmurs out and Mark almost misses it.
An uncomfortable feeling twinges in his stomach at the thought but shakes it off. He doesn't want to imagine this life differently. He's still struggling to accept that this is real for him sometimes.
"Yeah. It could have been, if you hadn't checked out of your marriage."
Derek shakes his head with a frown. "I didn't check out…"
Mark snorts, rolling his eyes. "C'mon Derek. Of course you did. Long before the affair and that night and Seattle. You spent more time in an OR then with your wife in those last two years," Mark tells him plainly. At the look on Derek's face though, he scoffs. "You don't even realise what you did to her do you?"
"What are you talking about?" Derek asks with a frown, watching as the other man shifts off the couch and positions his daughter down on the playmat. He can't help but be fascinated by this new domestic, fatherly version of Mark Sloan. It's a side to him he'd never thought he'd see from his old friend.
"You made her so insecure and unsure of herself. God, she'd absolutely kill me if she knew I was telling you this. But you know what? I think you need to hear it. You weren't good to her Derek. Not those last couple years and damn sure not here. She had convinced herself that she was unlovable and ugly and that's why you didn't come home to her. You neglected her and ignored her and she blamed herself. She tried to fix herself somehow. She tried so, so hard Derek and we all saw it. But you couldn't get your damn head out of an OR long enough to even bother looking. And here? Well, you just screwed with her head some more," Mark tells him firmly, rubbing a hand soothingly over Kendall's full belly.
"I-I didn't realise," Derek says softly, frowning deeply at the words. He wants to dispute them but he's horrified to realise that he doesn't think he can.
"Course you didn't," Mark snorts, rolling his eyes. "So yeah, having a family and a home with Addie could've been yours. But it's not. You chose to divorce her and now you don't get to bitch and moan about how she moves on. She's not a possession and she doesn't owe you anything Derek. Not anymore," Mark continues, voice deadly serious. His eyes are fixed on Kendall for a moment before looking up and finding Derek's. "What we did was terrible and I'll always regret hurting you Derek. Cause you're my brother. But Addison, Kendall and I are a family now and if you can't accept that or at least be civil then...then I think it's best you just stay away."
Even as he says the words though, Mark feels his heart sink. He'd never in his life thought he'd be telling Derek, his best friend and brother, to stay away. But he reasons with himself, he's got his own family to worry about now.
They both sit there in silence for a long moment, letting the words settle between them. Mark focuses on Kendall, not at all comfortable with seeing Derek's reaction to his words.
"I...I don't think I want to stay away," Derek says after a while, his voice soft and contemplative. Mark's head pops up in surprise as he casts a glance at his former friend. "I'm not ready yet but I want to be. Seeing you three in the hospital the other day...you both looked so happy and...I want to be happy for you two. I don't want to just...throw away all that history between us all. I think I'd like to be a part of your lives and Kendall's," Derek tells him, voice sounding surer as he spoke.
Mark can't help but smile at Derek's words; so reminiscent of the ones Addison had spoken almost a year ago. "I'd really like that too, man," Mark replies with a small smirk.
"It'll take some time. But I'll get there. I want to," Derek remarks, relaxing a little. He watches Mark with his daughter, again fascinated by this seemingly new man. He realises then that he owes Mark an apology too. "I'm sorry. By the way. For...well, for all the shit I've said to you since finding out about the pregnancy. It was wrong of me to say the things I did, man. You're nothing like your father," he tells him sincerely. Even when he'd said it in the heat of anger, he'd known he'd crossed a line. The look on Mark's face had been so telling.
He watches as his former friend nods at his words, letting out a deep sigh. The man's eyes were still on his daughter and Derek could see how reverently he looked at her. "Thanks," is all he says and Derek knows Mark well enough to leave it alone.
It's awkward for a few seconds before Derek decides to stand. He thinks he may have worn out his welcome a little and frankly, he doesn't know what else to say to him. He's not used to being on this side of the equation; single and alone while Mark is in a stable relationship and with a child.
"I better get going," Derek says then, giving him a nod.
Mark stands up, then carefully leans over to pick up Kendall. He's got her against his shoulder, a hand smoothing over her back as her eyelids flutter closed. Again, Derek is struck by how strange the sight is to him. Mark Sloan, a father - he never thought he'd see the day.
"Uh, babe? Where's Kenny?" A familiar voice calls from the stairs and both men turn to find a sweatpant clad Addison making her way downstairs. She freezes when she sees both men and her baby.
"Hey Addie. I just...came to talk to Mark. I'm going now," Derek tells her giving her a small smile and a little wave. He turns to Mark then nodding once before turning towards the front door.
"Okay," Addison drawls out, looking between them cautiously.
Mark simply smiles, nodding back at Derek as they watch him leave. Things aren't fixed, obviously but this was a start and despite himself, Mark is feeling hopeful about their friendship.
"Well, I didn't hear any yelling," he hears Addison say and chuckles a little. He turns to look at her as she makes her way over to him and the baby. Her arms are outstretched and he knows she wants to hold Kendall.
"We just had a talk," he tells her plainly, shrugging slightly with one shoulder. "An overdue one, I think," he admits, carefully passing Kendall into Addison's waiting arms. He doesn't say anything more because he's not sure what else to say about their conversation. He does hope though that it's the start of rebuilding their friendship. Mark can admit, at least to himself, that he's missed Derek.
Addison smiles, leaning up to press a light kiss to his lips. "Good. I'm glad," she tells him, smiling as she rocks their daughter, making her way into the living room.
Mark smiles too, watching Addison and their daughter and exhales, feeling as if everything is going to be okay.