Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

I remember all the good times and the bad times. I wouldn’t sleep, just stayed up talking to Duusu.

I always knew that I would die alone. I never expected anything else…
I suppose that’s what happens when you fall in love with someone just out of your reach.

It hurts, you know. Who am I kidding? I know you know. It just hurts more to see you pretend to care about me. I always promised that I would do anything for you. Even if that meant hurting myself for you.

Even if that meant dying for you.

I care. I care too much. I care when I shouldn’t care. But I still do. And it hurts.
Because I love you. I always have, and I always will. But…

I know you’ll never love me the same way I love you. I’ve been doing everything for you, but everything you’ve been doing has been for her.

In some twisted way of fate mocking me, I guess that means that everything I’ve been doing was for her, huh?

For the girl who hurt me, who put me through hell
.
.
.
For Emilie.

I’m scared of dying, did you know that? I’m absolutely terrified. I don’t want to die like I’m going to.
Maybe I’d be less scared if I got to find happiness…

But I found you instead. I guess that’s not too bad though. It could’ve been so much worse. At least I found temporary happiness…

At least I got to help you be happy again.

I suppose that doesn’t matter anymore, does it? My fate was always set in stone.

All I know is that when we’re reborn,


someday


I’ll find you again.

Chapter Text

Another nightmare.
The pain still lingers, sometimes… its metallic taste taunting me.
I wonder if it would’ve been better if you had accepted the consequences…

It’s funny, I guess. I never expected to live past the day you got the Miraculous.
I didn’t plan to. I was prepared to die, but that’s not what happened.

I was more prepared for a fate from a reality-changing wish than my real fate. I don’t even know how to really explain it.

It’s almost…
Pitiful.

But the nightmare wasn’t a normal one.

Normally it’s like I’m looking in from a window. I’m seeing my own death. It’s not as bad as you’d think.

Tonight it was like I was reliving it. I can still taste the blood.
It’s getting difficult to breathe…

Damn it. I need to go back to sleep. The nightmare was bad enough, the anxiety is just making it worse.
Time for some cute cat videos, I guess.

…or not. I just heard something. I don’t think I can handle this right now.
First the nightmare, then the anxiety, and now paranoia? Fantastic.
I know I live in an apartment and everything, but it’s 2 am and I’m half ready to transform and rush to the mansion.

Heh. Imagine breaking into someone’s apartment and coming face to face with Mayura. That’d be fucking terrifying.

Okay there’s more noise and I’m getting pretty freaked out. I’m sure Adrien will still be up, right? I’ll just head over to the mansion…

I’m getting worked up over nothing, I’m fine. Nobody’s here that’s strange. I should be used to this by now. Weird bumps happen all the time around here…

so why am I still holding the Miraculous so tightly?

I can’t breathe right…


I need help.

Sept. 12

Emilie suddenly wants to become our friend. I’m not really sure how I feel about it though… The Graham de Vanilys give me bad vibes. I don’t trust them.

Maybe Amelie’s okay, actually.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nov. 19

We found the Miraculous, and a book. Emilie wanted the Butterfly Miraculous…

I hid it. I said we only found the Peacock. She doesn’t even know about the grimoire. I don’t trust her with it…

Not after what she admitted about the Bison Miraculous.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nov. 22

What the hell did I just witness.
I knew I shouldn’t have trusted her. Why did I let her have the Peacock?
I’m such an idiot.
That poor person…

I’m going to vomit.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dec. 5

It’s only gotten worse. She’s abusing the magic.
She’s killing people. Their souls haunt my nightmares.
I guess it’s fair, their deaths are technically my fault.

I’m only still alive because I’m useful to her, huh?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mar. 16

She’s dying. She told us.
She told Gabriel to get her back. To stop at nothing.

I’m hoping that he doesn’t. I’m hoping that I don’t have to be a part of her evils anymore.

But with her having manipulated him like that? I doubt I’m gonna be too lucky...

I can’t see clearly anymore.
My ears are ringing.
Everything hurts…

I need water.

I need help.

I need…

I need to get out of here.
I feel trapped.
I can’t stay in here right now…
I can’t…

Duusu, spread my feathers!

Chapter Text

The blue-skinned woman stumbled through the doors, tears stinging her eyes.

Adrien’s shock was evident as he caught her. “Whoa whoa whoa, what’s happening Nattie?”

Kicking the doors shut behind them, he helped her regain her balance.

“Are you okay?”

She froze. “Yes- no- I… god, I don’t even know!”

“Okay, what happened?”

I shouldn’t tell him.

“Bad memory - well, bad memories.”

“About?”

She laughed weakly as more tears spilled over. “Trust me when I say this, you don’t want to know.”

Adrien nodded. “Ok, ok. Panic attack, probably. They ain’t fun. Drop your transformation, I’m sure your emotion-sensor thingy isn’t helping. I’ll be right back.”

“Okay,” she murmured. “Duusu, fall my feathers.”

“Uh, Dad?” Adrien asked. “Sorry for waking you up but Nattie’s downstairs having a panic attack… what’s her favorite kind of tea?”

Even through his grogginess, hearing Adrien’s nickname for Nathalie and then “panic attack” in the same sentence woke him up quickly.

“She’s what? What happened?”

“She said it was some bad memories? No idea what though, she didn’t tell me.”

I can guess why she didn’t. They’re probably about Emilie.

“I think she likes that green tea we have?”

“Green tea has caffeine, Dad. She’s already got jittery nerves, she doesn’t need jittery brain.”

“Try chamomile then. I’ll go see if she needs anything else.”

“Ok.”

“Hey.”

Gabriel sat next to Nathalie, who was curled up against the wall.

“Hm?”

“Are you… alright?” God, no, that’s not the word to use!

“Are you kidding me? I wish.” A broken laugh escaped her as she hung her head and burst into sobs. She felt her breathing become more difficult as she hugged her legs tighter, which only helped to increase her anxiety.

Something about seeing her so upset made Gabriel irrationally angry. He barely registered the soft whistle of a kettle in the background as his blood boiled.

He wrapped an arm around her protectively. “Do you want to talk about what happened?” he asked, actively trying not to alert her to his rage.

She melted into his touch, letting him pull her closer to him. “Nightmare,” she mumbled. “Flashbacks too. I thought I heard something moving and my paranoia skyrocketed.”

“So you came here?”

A muffled yes came from her as she pressed her face into his chest, the familiarity of it comforting her.

“I’m glad you did, Nat. Do you mind telling me what they were?”

“It was-”

Adrien walked in, three mugs full of tea in his hands. “Oh, uh… I made you some tea to help you feel better? It’s chamomile, but I made a peppermint one for me. I like both, so you can choose.”

“Chamomile is fine, Adrien. Thank you.”

He handed a mug to her and Gabriel each. Taking a sip, she felt herself relax slightly.

“This is really good, did you put anything in it?”

“A teeeeeeny bit of honey. I’m just good at making tea.” He flashed a cheesy grin, no doubt trying to cheer her up. “Oh, and I also put love into it.”

Nathalie chuckled softly, brushing away a tear. “Disgusting, love. I’m disappointed that you experience such a thing.”

“As much as you’d like to deny it, you know you love me too. A terrible decision on your part.”

Adrien joined the pair of adults in sitting on the floor.

“It wasn’t too much of a bad decision. In fact, I’d even go as far as to say it was a good decision, if it was a decision in the first place. I don’t think I really chose to love you two as much as I do, though.”

Adrien pouted exaggeratedly. “Are you saying that you wouldn’t choose to love us?”

Nathalie shook her head with faux exasperation. “Of course not. I just didn’t have a choice here and I’m quite glad about it.

”Good!” Mission success, I think... I hope she’s feeling better, at least.

Chapter Text

I haven’t thought of our past in a long time, but for some odd reason, it just feels… natural that I’m thinking about it now.
Probably because I’m thinking about everything that led me to this point, curled up in your arms.

Wait.


...I’m just gonna not process that right now. It’s like 4 am and I don’t have the mental capacity to think about how I fell asleep in your arms after a nightmare.

Or maybe you fell asleep in my arms.
God damn it, there’s the proof. It’s too early for this shit.

But I’m really happy I found you.

Rich kid meets farmer boy, falls in love. It’s so disgustingly cliche, it’s almost hilarious.

I mean, you’re definitely not a “farmer boy” anymore, and I sure hope your family doesn’t still see me as that stereotypical uptight “better than you” rich kid. That’s more Emilie’s thing.

Plus a side dose of evil.

I don’t really know how I could’ve expected anything else from Graham de Vanily twins randomly asking to be friends.
Meh, at least I got to meet Amelie then. She’s not too bad.

Pff, that makes it sound like she’s a little bad. I don’t think she is, I mean she’s really sweet? I dunno. My brain really needs to shut off, but it won’t like usual.

Thinking back on our past is ridiculous, honestly.

I mean, I dated the twin sister of your dead wife for a while, and now I have feelings for you?
Not that you’ll ever return them, of course.

I hate the fact that I’ve never felt more secure and happy in your arms. I know you’ll never love me the same way I love you, I thought that I had accepted that fact a long time ago.

Apparently not.

Nathalie’s yawn interrupted the blonde’s thoughts. “So what’s up?”

“I’m... not sure what you mean?” Amelie replied easily.

“Your husband just died under mysterious circumstances and you don’t seem too upset.”

“If you’re accusing me of killing him, I didn’t.”

“What? No! Ame, you know me well enough to know that I wouldn’t joke about that.” The other possibility sank in, and Nathalie’s only response for a couple minutes was to stare at Amelie, stunned. “Oh my god, please don’t tell me people have actually accused you of that.”

“I would, but I would be lying. At least three people have said that today alone.”

“And now is the point where I lose faith in humanity,” she groaned. “But why aren’t you too upset?”

Amelie laughed bitterly. “He was a Graham de Vanily in all except name. In other words,”

“A power-hungry asshole who doesn’t care who he hurts as long as he gets something from it,” Nathalie finished.

”Exactly. Unfortunately, I was the opposite. I’m sure Emilie would’ve liked him though.”

“Ah. That makes a lot more sense. If it helps, I don’t think you’re like that, and you definitely don’t deserve that.”

“I’m not terribly upset. I didn’t really like him in the first place.”

“Heh, me neither. But I mean, considering our past, I’m not surprised.”

Amelie chuckled. “Whatever.”

“I’m sorry it turned out like this in the first place, Ame. I wish I could’ve helped.”

“You wouldn’t have been able to do anything, Nath, don’t worry. I mean... mother and father did know I was in a relationship with you when I...” Amelie grimaced, “was practically sold off to the highest cishet male bidder.”

“I’m still irrationally angry that they did that! What kind of parents pretty much sell off their child in order to get better business connections?!”
Nathalie snapped back to reality in that moment. “Right,” she hissed. “Rich parents would.”

“Nat…”

“Sorry.”

“No, no, it’s fine. I’m glad to hear someone agrees with me. I just don’t want you to get too mad, knowing how you are.”

Nathalie laughed pitifully. “I hate how well you know me sometimes. I’m just… so tired of the stupid lifestyle of this Upper Class Society. I feel like a lot of people think our lives are just so perfect but have no idea the kind of shit we go through. I can’t even begin to imagine what you went through. I mean, even before I learned about your family and the Miraculous, it was well known that your family was… a bit interesting. No offense, of course.”

“I know, hun.”

Nathalie flushed. “That’s a pet name I haven’t heard in a while. I don’t think you’ve called me that since…”

“It wasn’t my choice.”

“I know, Ame. I’m just… life could’ve been so wonderful for us, and now…”

“My sister went crazy, died thanks to the Miraculous, and manipulated her already depressed husband into thinking he couldn’t live without her, and you somehow developed a crush on him?”

“Be quiet!” Nathalie hissed.

“It’s really obvious, Nat. Even without a Miraculous.”

“Yours isn’t even a emotion-based one!”

“That’s my point. I don’t know how-”

Amelie cut herself off, glancing at Nathalie, who just sighed and leaned her head on her hand.

“Nathalie, please tell me you’ve been taking your meds.”

“I have been. I may be kinda repressing my emotions, but I’m not dumb enough to just stop taking them. I learned the first time.”

“The first time?”

“You were there. It was during high school.”

“Oh.”

Nathalie leaned her head on Amelie’ shoulder. “I wish that I could just erase my memories of those times, you know?”

“I’d hope not, considering that was some of the best time of my life.”

Amelie wrapped an arm the other woman, pulling her closer. “Life sucks, Nat. At least we have each other to help get through it.”

“Yeah… at least there’s that.” Nathalie smiled softly as she felt herself drifting asleep quickly, slowly fading from reality.

Chapter Text

I want to take care of her.

Gabriel sighed softly, not wanting to wake the woman lying next to him. As carefully as possible, he got off the couch, wanting to prepare for the day.

About to walk to the kitchen to prepare breakfast, he paused to look back at Nathalie.

She looks so peaceful… after a night like that, I hope she’s been able to get some sleep.

He pulled the blanket more securely over her.
I love you.

Brushing the stray hairs out of her face, he pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead…



Her eyes fluttered open at that moment.

So apparently we’re just not gonna talk about that…
At least, it seems like he doesn’t want to, and I’m too nervous to bring it up myself.

I don’t want to mess things up with what we have now.
I don’t
.
.
.
I don’t want to make him hate me.

Sometimes I wonder if there’s still a teeny bit of hope left for me, but I really need to stop that. I’ve been in therapy for how many years now? I should know that unhealthy coping mechanisms are unhealthy.

Wow. So observant, Nathalie. Never would’ve guessed otherwise.

…I wonder if it would be a bad idea to adopt a cat.
I mean, I already have Adrien, but that’s not the same. I need something that simultaneously loves and hates me the same amount that I do.

That would cancel out the self-hate, right?

God, what am I even talking about. I don’t even know how to deal with my own emotions, I doubt a cat would give me any insight.




But maybe it would be nice to have another creature around. Maybe it’ll chase away the demons in my head.
I doubt they’ll really leave, though.

One will always crawl its way back in, reminding me how I will always be lesser than everyone else.

Chapter Text

Do you ever want to just… disappear?

Fuck, wait. That sounds suicidal. I don’t mean it like that.
I dunno how to explain it. I sometimes just want to… fade out of existence.

What is my brain on right now? Exhaustion?

Yeah, probably.

I feel like I should talk to someone about my feelings, but I don’t think it’ll help.
I can’t actually tell anyone about the root of my problems, and the only people that know have just as much Miraculous-related trauma as me.

Probably not very helpful.

Sometimes I wish I had never learned about them. I wonder how much happier I would be, how much happier Adrien would be.

I wonder if they would be happier if Gabriel had never met me.
Maybe I’d have a normal-ish life…

“Normal” is a goddamn lie.
I’ve never lived a normal life, and I don’t think I ever will.
I hate that I had to be a target in whatever gods’ twisted hands created the mess that is me.
At least I have the ability to pretend I’m not a mess.

I look back at my previous late night contemplations and find that it isn’t too bad, sometimes.
I’m happy, I really am. I just wonder why I stay by your side. I have no real loyalty to you, I don’t owe you my life or anything drastic like that.
It would just hurt too much to leave. You’re the only remaining of my friends here in Paris. Everyone else either moved or I discovered that they’re horrible people. Sometimes both.

I’m glad about that, really. I feel like I have someone who’s always going to stand by my side.

Well, I hope you will.
You make me finally feel like someone loves me.

Chapter Text

Everyday life has changed a lot since a few months ago.

It technically started changing over two years ago, when Gabriel took up the mantle of the Miraculous.
Finding out that Adrien is Chat Noir was when life really flipped upside-down.

I mean… I knew the heroes were children. I didn’t disregard that, I still felt bad. After Timebreaker, I always tried to make him recall Akumas that would be too dangerous. He didn’t always listen but… I tried.

I didn’t know just how much the truth would change everything.

I gave up my life for Emilie’s.
Adrien gave up his fight to help me.
Gabriel…

Gabriel gave up everything to save me.

I still can’t figure out why. I mean, sure, we’re childhood friends, but giving up the chance to fix everything? For me?
It just doesn’t make sense.

I’m not worth that much. I’m just some person floating through life, trying to simply survive. Have I fucked up?
Yeah.
A lot.
But I’m just trying to exist in this awful world. And now that I have the chance, I’m trying to redeem myself.

I don’t deserve redemption. I’m horrible. I’m…


I’m worthless.