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Chapter Text

When Leo is seven years old, he's left in charge of his brothers while his father goes to gather supplies, and Mikey wanders off. After Splinter brings him home, he pulls Leo into the back room and hurts him with a nerve attack, leaving him shaking on the ground.

Then he pulls Leo into his arms, stroking his head, softly crying and apologizing. You must protect your brothers, he says. You are the eldest; it is your responsibility. It may not be fair, but fair has no place in this world.

Leo understands, that day and every day afterwards, that protecting his brothers is his purpose in life. It is a burden he accepts, even relishes. What greater honor is there than to care for the people you love?

So when Raph strides towards him, eyes a blank white and wicked claws shining on his hands, Leo knows he has failed in this most sacred task. And it hurts him worse than his father ever could. It's the kind of pain that comes from falling and falling, knowing that there is only cold water and more pain beneath you, the pain he became fluent in that day at the construction site.

They fight, and Leo tries to call Raph back from the edge, tries to make him remember his anger. But it doesn't work, because the brain worm has already filled Raph with anger, tipped him over the edge from hot fury to cold hate. He screams terrible names at them until his words break into incoherent howls, and Leo wants to die.

Eventually, Mikey is covered in cuts and Donnie's arm is broken and they have to flee. Leo runs into the night, Mikey bleeding in his arms, while Raph, his twin, his wild red match, remains behind.

When they get back home, Leo finds time to go into his bedroom and jab two fingers into his neck. His father isn't present, hasn't needed to be for years. Leo is a virtuoso at punishing himself for his mistakes by now.

He twitches on the bed, weeping noiselessly. I will save you, he promises the dark. I will save you.

Leo supervises the evacuation from the lair, forcing Donnie to choose the most important of his inventions and allowing Mikey just one box for all his comics. He permits them to bring the pinball machine, even though it's probably  a waste of space. Their father folds his photographs into a corner of the robe and sits in the dark corner of the Shellraiser, shoulders shaking ever so slightly.

Leo takes his scrolls and weapons, but leaves behind his Space Heroes gear. Every DVD, every poster, every tie-in book, every treasured bit of memorabilia that he's stolen or painstakingly dug out of the trash. He only takes the Space Heroes comforter, and that's out of a need for bedding.

It's time for him to grow out of childish things, as much as it hurts (he thinks he might relish the pain of leaving them behind, might view it as a fitting punishment, but he won't dig into that too deeply).

They seek refuge in the basement of an abandoned antiques store that Donnie found online, a place called the Second Time Around. Raph has never been there and won't be able to tell the Foot their location no matter what they do to him.

Through a camera, they watch the Foot pour through the Lair. Shredder smashes everything in his path, tearing at the couch with his claws and throwing the TV against the wall. Raph watches without blinking, but the others all wince at the sight.

Leo suspects that Shredder knows he's being watched and is putting on a show. His suspicions are confirmed when Saki looks directly at the camera, his eyes cold in a way that makes Leo think of bitter snowfalls and snapping bones. He shivers against his will, and Mikey holds his hand.

Shredder snaps his fingers, and Raph trots obediently to his side. There's a moment where nobody moves, where Leo bites his lip and prays that his brother isn't about to be executed in front of them.

Then Shredder slaps Raph one, two, three times. Raph takes all of it, doesn't even turn away, let alone raise his hands to defend himself. Afterwards, Shredder pats Raph on the head like a dog. Leo's face burns, feeling all the pain and humiliation that Raph doesn't.

Someone reaches for the camera, and then Donnie has to kill the feed before Baxter Stockman can trace it. They all sit in silence for a few seconds, looking at each other.

Then Mikey starts to cry, soft and quiet. His tears are for all of them.

Their so-called "New Lair" is small, cramped, dim, and incredibly musty. It reminds Leo of the places they used to stay before they found the lair, when they were young. And just as they did when they were young, they sleep piled in a heap around Master Splinter. Four sets of lungs work in time, unable to fill the hole left by the fifth.

Most of the space is taken up by Donnie's workstation, with homemade instruments and racks of tubes. Leo and Mikey scour New York for materials, stealing precious chemicals from military sites or hospitals.

"We need these," Leo growls, seeing Mikey hesitate before breaking into a supplies closet at South Mercy. "The humans can always buy more later, but Donnie needs them now." Mikey sighs, but does as he's told. He's not Raph not used to arguing with his big brother.

One day, Leo finds something small and dark and furry floating in the Hudson River. That isn't unusual, only he recognizes this something, and the now-useless psychic amplifier still clamped onto its head.

At "home," there is literally nowhere else to go except the bathroom, no way to block out the sounds of Donnie dissecting Dr. Rockwell.

When he's done, Donnie stands there with a dead brain worm in his red-slicked gloves. "It killed him," he says, voice shaking. "It burned him out. It...Raph's got a more resilient body type, but I don't know how much that helps, I don't know how--how much ti--"

"You have a specimen now," Leo reminds him, both to calm Donnie down and to keep him from finishing the terrible sentence. He puts gentle hands on his brother's shaking shoulders. "You can figure it out, Donnie, I know you can."

They restore Rockwell's body as best they can before giving it to the Mutanimals. If Leatherhead notices the scars dotting Rockwell's corpse as he cradles it in his arms, so limp and tiny, he doesn't say anything. 

Raph hunts them. Raph finds them, dead eyes completely devoid of recognition, blood staining his claws. Each time, Leo sends Mikey home with the latest batch of supplies as he confronts their brother.

Their blades clang and tear on a dozen rooftops while they scream the same things at each other. I'm your brother. I want you to die. I'm your brother. I want you to die. They're on a hellish loop, one that Leo thinks can't get worse until it does.

Raph's face has started to twitch. His arms still swing and cut steadily, but his fingers clench and wriggle behind the claws. Sometimes his stomach muscles jump strangely, like he's trying not to throw up.

"It's killing you," Leo yells, Leo begs. "You need to come home, let us help you, please--"

"SHUT UP!" Raph screams, charging him. Leo flips him over the roof, sending him tumbling into a dumpster. Raph staggers out, vomiting as he goes, and by the time Leo leaps down after him he's long gone.

Leo goes home that night, sits in the dark while his family sleeps. Well, Mikey and Splinter sleep--Donnie is still feverishly working, hands flying over his tools with a look of near-constant panic in eyes. Leo should tell him to go to sleep, but he knows that's not an option.

Leo thinks about things, thinks about his many failures and Raph's suffering and how Donnie's work can only go so fast. He thinks and thinks and thinks.

The next night, he calls in April to help and sends her off with Mikey to steal more chemicals. Leo tells them that he has a new lead to follow, which is not exactly a lie.

He returns to the store, where Splinter is lost in meditation and Donnie has finally collapsed from exhaustion. He sits down and writes a letter, scribbling it quickly on a bit of Donnie's notepaper. He leaves it on their sleeping pile, on top of his neatly wrapped mask.

Then he goes to find Tiger Claw.

Leo finds him making his way across the rooftops, back from negotiating a deal with one gang or another. He steps into his path, feet braced on a roof's edge so he can somersault away at a moment's notice. "Hello."

Tiger Claw skitters to a stop, eyes widening before he relaxes into a sneer. "Are you here to die, little cub?"

Leo isn't in the mood to trade insults. "Your brain worm is killing my brother," he says simply. The street gapes behind him, a dark hungry drop.

Tiger Claw raises a furry eyebrow. "And you think that if you ask nicely, we will give him back?"

"Of course not." Leo looks into Tiger Claw's bright vicious eyes. He takes a breath, thinks about running away, forces himself not to:

"I want to take his place."

When Leo breaks the issues down to basic components it's very simple, really.

Problem: Raph has been brainwashed by the Foot and we can't get him out of it. Solution: Donnie is working to fix it. Problem: Making a cure will take a lot of time. Sub-Problem: The brain worm might kill Raph before he is released.

Solution: Leo can sacrifice himself in Raph's stead. He can fulfill his role, the only one that means anything to him: protecting his brothers.

Let your rapidity be that of the wind, Master Splinter once told them. But the wind isn't just fast, is it? It's fluid, ever-changing. It's capable of leaving everything behind, of twisting itself into whatever new shape it has to take.

The wind doesn't fear. The wind doesn't feel. And Leo can do the same...or try to.

At first, Tiger Claw laughs, his voice a thunderous boom that's painful in Leo's ears. "What makes you think Master Shredder would want to trade one bratty turtle for another?"

"Because I chose him," Leo explains patiently. "He wants, he needs to be chosen by someone. Karai will never choose him, not ever again, but I will. The son of Hamato Yoshi switching sides is one of the greatest gifts you could offer him."

Tiger Claw frowns, not wanting to hear his beloved master discussed in such coldly analytical terms. But Leo knows that he understands, knows that he's thinking about it.

Eventually, Tiger Claw cocks his head, studying him. "We could, perhaps, discuss this later--"

"No." Leo says firmly, proud at how his voice doesn't shake. "This is a one-time offer. Call him, tell him to send Raph and eject the brain worm where I can see, and I'll go with you without a fight."

Tiger Claw cocks his head. For a moment, they just stare at each other. Leo remembers that day of the invasion, when he managed to take the big cat down with his bare hands. He suspects that Tiger Claw might be thinking of the same thing.

Eventually, Tiger Claw takes out his phone and starts speaking in Japanese. Then they just wait in silence. And wait. And wait.

My family,

I'm going to trade myself for Raph. I am so, so sorry for doing this to you, but I have no choice. It'll take time before the brain worm starts hurting me, and Donnie will have time to perfect his cure. Donnie, this is not your fault. Do not blame yourself. That is an order.

When I'm gone, after Raph comes back, I want you to find a new place to live and stay there. If Donnie needs new supplies, get April or one the Mutanimals to do it. They will make me hunt you, and I will know where to look, where to wait.

Raph, this is for you: This. Is. Not. Your. Fault. You couldn't help being captured. You couldn't help being brainwashed. I love you and I don't want to see you suffer. I have every faith that you will save me the way you have so many times before.

Besides, chances are this won't work out and I'll have to slink home in embarrassment.

Love,

Leo

He leaves the mask with the letter, a bit of Hamato Leonardo for them to keep safe.

Leo wonders if the brain worm can actually be ejected (It must be, it has to, they had to start honing an ejection mechanism early in case something went wrong with Karai's worm).

He wonders if he's waiting to be attacked.

He wonders if he's clinically insane or just an idiot.

He wonders what would happen if he tried to make small talk with Tiger Claw (he decides not to).

He wonders whether it's possible for one's heart to physically explode out of their chest.

He wonders if his remaining family members have already discovered the letter and are searching for him.

He wonders if Slash is dead yet.

He wonders if Raph is dead yet.

And then Raph appears out of the shadows, and all that wondering is drowned out by hope and relief and blinding terror.

Raph hands a control stick to Tiger Claw--or tries to. His hand is jerking, fingers spasming and clenching in a way that makes Leo's heart hurt. Tiger Claw finally wrestles the stick out of Raph's hand and gives him a shove in Leo's direction. Raph wanders towards him, white eyes blank and lost, fingers bare of claws.

He takes one step, two, three. Leo tenses, wondering if he is about to be betrayed...and then Tiger Claw presses a button.

Raph collapses to his knees with a howl, clutching his head. Leo rushes to him and drops down by his side, all dignity forgotten. Raph rocks back and forth, his voice building into a piercing whine, higher than Leo thought his vocal cords could possibly reach. "It's okay," Leo whispers, holding him close despite the blinding noise. "It's okay, I'm here..."

When Raph finally spits out the brain worm, it comes with a spray of blood and vomit. He tumbles in on himself, shaking.

Leo would like to stay and hold forever, but when he looks up he sees Foot Bots clustered around Tiger Claw, and knows that this insane truce will only last a few more seconds. He hauls Raph to his feet, slaps him lightly on the cheek. "Raph? Raph, are you with me?"

White eyes flicker green, and Raph blinks at him. "Lee--oo...?" His voice is quivering with confusion, but his face doesn't spasm and his hands hang limply at his sides. Leo would like to weep with relief.

Instead he pulls Raph close, planting a soft kiss on his cheek, of the kind they haven't exchanged since they were very small. He discreetly tucks a piece of paper into Raph's belt, one bearing the words The Lair isn't safe and the store's address. "I love you," he breathes. Then he shoves Raph away.

Raph stumbles a few steps, glancing behind him. "Leo?"

"I'll be fine," Leo says, giving him an encouraging smile. "Go on. I'll be right with you."

Raph blinks at him. If he was operating at full capacity, he'd ask what's going on, why Leo isn't wearing his mask, why Tiger Claw and the Foot bots are just standing there. But he's not, not yet, and Leo knows that nothing he says will keep Raph from hating himself for that in the future.

His brother blinks at him, then turns and runs away. Confused as Raph is, Leo is relieved to see that his steps are quick and sure. He leaps from rooftop to rooftop, the dark swiftly swallowing him up. Leo permits himself one last glimpse of Raph's beautiful red mask before turning back to Tiger Claw.

He walks towards Shredder's Lieutenant and lifts his chin, glaring up at him. "Well?" he asks. "Let's not keep the Master waiting."

As they make their way back to Foot Headquarters, Leo does not stumble or throw himself off any roofs, despite the temptation. He's rather proud of himself for that.

All he needs to do, he reminds himself, is to hold together until they give him the brain worm. Then this crazy, stupid, hurting mind of his will no longer be his responsibility. 

Tiger Claw shoves him to his knees in front of Shredder's throne. Leo forces himself to sit in perfect seiza, fights every instinct screaming bad monster he hurt me dangerous run run. He feels Shredder's eye pinning him in place, as cold and pitiless as a spear through the head.

"Well?" Leo asks, voice echoing through the quiet throne room. "Where's the brain worm?"

Shredder lets out a soft chuckle. "You are not getting a brain worm."

Leo jolts, can't hide his surprise. "What?"

"We placed a bomb inside your brother before he was released." Shredder says, sounding oh-so-pleased with himself. "If you disobey my orders, if you try to communicate with your family, if you do anything that undermines my will or the will of the Foot Clan, it will detonate. Do you understand?"

The world snaps slow, the way it did on that terrible day of the invasion, the day that the man he now kneels before beat him back to death. In the space between heartbeats, a million thoughts race through his mind.

Understand? Understand, yes, he understands. He will do terrible things for the Foot and he will know precisely what he is doing. He will be forced to hurt his family and know exactly how he is hurting them. He will kill people for the Foot, the way Raph has undoubtedly killed people, only when he watches them bleed out there will be no blind obedience to make it any easier.

But why, it doesn't make sense, even the Shredder is almost never this cruel. Why why why--

Oh.

Of course, he said it himself. Shredder needs to be chosen, chosen by a child of Hamato Yoshi after the girl he raised as his daughter abandoned him. He doesn't want another blank drone; he'll have enough of that with Karai. He wants-- needs-- to be chosen over and over again, for every day Leo is a member of the Foot.

The Shredder has a need, which makes him vulnerable. And Leo can take advantage of that vulnerability. He can survive, he will survive until his brothers come to save him.

So Leo takes a breath and straightens, forcing all the fear and pain deep down inside himself, at least for now. He meets the Shredder's gaze with a calm expression, sees the human's eye widen slightly. What was he expecting--protests? Tears?

Silly man. You tried to break me once, remember? It didn't work then. It won't work now.

"I understand, Master," Leo says, offering a demure little smile.

I will kill you one day.

Chapter Text

The others have left by the time Leo leads the Foot to their hideout, thank God. Donnie's equipment, Mikey's books, their blankets, the racks of potential cures...all gone.

There's blood on the floor, along with something metal, but Leo's brief spurt of hope is brutally quenched when Fishface says "Looks like they found the tracker, boss."

"But no sign of the bomb?" Saki asks.

"Nah," Fishface shoots Leo a nasty grin. "Stockman buried that one deep."

No sign of a camera, at least, and Leo bites back a sigh of relief. If Shredder wants to put on another show, at least his brothers won't have to see.

The pinball machine was left behind in the chaos; it looks so small and abandoned in the silent basement. Leo sternly orders himself not to empathize. He chose this path, this ridiculously over dramatic "heroic sacrifice." He doesn't have time or a reason for self-pity.

Shredder pauses before the machine while his men sweep through the room, his face reflected in the dark glass. For a moment, they both stare at the machine in silence.

When Shredder slams a massive metal gauntlet into the screen, Leo can't keep himself from flinching, even though he suspected that this was coming. He thinks the human might be smirking behind his mask as he sends cracks through the delicate frame, making elaborate mechanisms screech and shatter.

Shredder hits the pinball machine again, and again, while Leo fights the childish urge to tackle him away. It's just a toy, after all. Just hours of playing together or alone, hours of an activity that wasn't as isolating as meditation or divisive as training. Just hours of good-natured ribbing and cheering each other on, four lifetimes' worth of chasing high scores.

It's. Just. A. Toy.

After hitting it a fourth time, Shredder steps away. He jerks his head at Leo's swords, then gestures at the sagging remains of the machine.

Leo doesn't ask why? or say this is juvenile, unnecessary, sadistic. So that must mean he doesn't really mind unsheathing his sword and bisecting the pinball machine with one mighty blow, no matter how much it hurts.

The wind doesn't care, remember? The wind is cold and brutal, tearing everything apart and leaving devastation in its wake.

He watches the machine collapse in on itself, smoking and sputtering. He feels tears forming in his eyes and frantically blinks them back.

"I never liked that thing much, anyway," Leo says, and instantly curses himself. What is he thinking? How can he be so insolent when Raph's very life hangs in the balance? He doesn't think that Shredder will detonate the bomb over something so small, but he doesn't know he won't, either.

He looks down at his feet, mouth dry and heart pounding, feeling Saki's eyes burn into the top of his head.

In the end, however, the Shredder just snickers and turns away.

Back at the Foot Headquarters he's ordered to undress, trying not to shiver as the cold air touches his bare waist and wrists and ankles. A silent servant takes away his things to be burned, while another holds out new gear.

Black mask, black wrappings, red scarf, red belt, red-and-black jacket, pauldrons bearing the Foot insignia. The ensemble is completed with a cold metal glove that goes over his right hand, too elaborate to be a rush job. He wonders if they would have given this to him if he'd been captured in Raph's place.

He works out the mechanism quickly, popping three steel claws with a soft shhk. In and out, in and out. Shhk. Shhk. Shhk.

With the new gear comes a new name: Kappa. "It was an ancient Japanese demon that looked like you," Saki explains, a smirk in his voice. "A very talented killer."

Leo thanks his new master for the gifts, and means it. Now he has a new persona to wear, a vicious other self to do the things that Hamato Leonardo never could. He tightens the wrappings around his wrist and imagines them going up in flames.

He doesn't consider his new identity to be "dark." Dark, to him, has always been a positive thing, like the peaceful shadows of the sewers. When he glimpses his new face in a window, he thinks of the snow that fell on the day of the invasion: cold, relentless, uncaring, trapped on an inescapable path.

Shredder leads him to his new room: a dim little cell with a tatami mat, a lamp, some candles in the corner, a rack for his weapons, and a tatami mat. He tells Leo when practice starts tomorrow and how to find the dojo before just...leaving.

Leo scours the room for a camera or a microphone, but finds nothing. He thinks that they can't possibly be that careless--and then he looks down at the glove. The glove that, after a few experiment tugs, he realizes he can't remove.

He finds the small metal circle of the microphone on its side and studies it thoughtfully. He could try to cover it with his other finger, but that might produce static or a rustle to let them know what he's doing.

He's tempted to say, "Testing, testing. One two, one two," but resists the urge.

Leo washes up as best he can, watching water run over the glove's waterproof surface. At one point the nausea rises to a boil and he dashes to the toilet, unable to hide his retching from the microphone.

Afterwards he lies on the tatami, tears trickling silently down his cheeks. Saki or whoever's on the other end of this stupid glove might be able to hear them puke, but if they think they'll be able to hear him cry they're sadly mistaken. Leo is the eldest, the leader, the one who can never crumble. He mastered the art of weeping silently years ago.

He stabs a finger into his neck and spends a few minutes twitching, relishing the pain.

Next morning, Leo carefully scrubs his face clean of tears before leaving the room. He finds the dojo over an hour before training is meant to start and spends the time training, trying to adjust to the effect the manacle parasite badge of shame glove has on his balance.

He's finally completed a tricky kata without feeling off-kilter, and is just about to congratulate himself when he sees Shredder leaning against the wall, watching him. Leo doesn't know how he got inside the dojo without making a sound, or how long he's been standing there. Leo instantly snaps to attention, battling every instinct screaming at him to flee.

Shredder approaches him and lifts Leo's chin with his fingers, forcing their eyes to lock. "Are you afraid?" he asks in Japanese.

With effort, Leo keeps his voice from shaking. "No."

Saki slaps him across the face for that, nearly knocking Leo off his feet. "Never lie to me again," he says simply.

Leo bows his head, humiliation and pain burning on his face even though he tells himself that he has nothing to be ashamed about. "Yes, Master."

They fight. Rather than destroying him quickly, Shredder draws things out, taking care not to land any disabling blows. He adjusts Leo's stance with words or movements, offering him tips about balancing his energy or adjusting his speed.

It's training, really, a lot like the kind Leo has with Splinter. Only they do it over and over and over again, until Leo's wiping blood from his nose and struggling to breathe through the pain in his ribs. Saki barely seems winded.

"Again."

This is a test, he realizes. Just like the pinball machine was a test, to see how far Saki can push him before he breaks.

"Again."

If he doesn't get up, he will die, and so will Raph. Maybe the others, too, depending on the range of the bomb. How many lives are in danger because of his foolishness?

"Again."

He's getting hungry, getting dizzy, losing track of time. The world breaks down into a blur of fists and clanging blades. They charge each other again and again, and again Leo falls.

"Again."

He is so, so tired and it hurts so bad. If he closed his eyes it would all be over...but no, that's a weak thought, a spoiled little boy's thought, so he forces himself upright and takes the next beating as a righteous punishment.

"Again."

He is going to kill Oroku Saki. He's had this thought since he woke up in that bathtub, but it's never rung in his head so loudly.

"Enough."

Leo jerks to his feet, almost charges before he processes the word. He bows very carefully, determined not to fall over. "Yes, Master."

The Shredder removes his helmet and wipes sweat off his face, something resembling approval in his eye. "You did very well today, Kappa. I am proud."

Leo bows his head, unable to keep his heart from fluttering at the praise, something he so rarely got from Splinter. "Thank you, Master."

He wants to rip his heart out of his chest and eat it for its betrayal.

They have to shower together afterwards, for some reason. Leo presses against the tiled wall, staying as far away from the Shredder as possible. He very carefully keeps his eyes off Saki's burned, naked body, ignoring his faint smile.

Leo has a vague idea of what the nude human male looks like, thanks to some magazines scavenged from the dump behind his brother's backs. Magazines he took care to burn before fleeing the Lair, so Saki couldn't have found them, couldn't have had them in mind when he came up with this bizarre form of intimidation. Probably.

He eats in the cafeteria, taking care to sniff his food beforehand just in case it's poisoned. As he chews, barely registering the taste, he feels the eyes of the other soldiers and mutants in the cafeteria burning into him.

Leo doesn't bother looking up, just waits for someone to start something. He may be under Saki's protection, but he's sporting enough bruises that everyone will know the Master doesn't mind him getting some rough treatment.

No one picks a fight, however, and when he does glance up even Tiger Claw is carefully not looking at him. It dawns on Leo that even if they're afraid of Saki, they also might be just a little afraid of him.

The thought makes him smirk as he goes to put his plate away.

That night Leo and the other mutants are assembled in the throne room, where they're briefed on three groups who have refused to fall in step with the new order the way the Purple Dragons have: the Ghost Boys, the Street Phantoms, and the Savate.

Tonight their target is the Savate, who have just stolen a shipment meant for the Foot. They will be taught a harsh lesson, with no mercy, no quarter, and... Shredder's eyes land on Leo. "No survivors." Leo looks back, his face blank and stoic.

Raph is the important one, he reminds himself. The others are just humans. They don't matter.

Tiger Claw takes charge, and although Leo's not used to a subordinate position there's something oddly comforting about having someone else decide what to do and where to go (he hates himself for feeling that way, but that's nothing new).

The big cat has managed to track down a Savate warehouse and leads them across the rooftops, silent as shadows. Leo stays on his heels, hoping against hope that Tiger Claw is wrong and the warehouse will be empty.

It's not.

Leo makes his way through the metal beams adorning the warehouse ceiling, letting the darkness swallow him up. If it weren't for the Savate moving around below, playing cards and talking about work or their families, he might be able to convince himself that this is just a stealth exercise.

There are women down there with the Savate, women with skimpy dresses and fake-sounding laughs. Some of those "women" look younger than April. Leo doesn't know if they're included in the "no survivors" category, doesn't know if Shredder even cares that they're there.

Nearby, Leo sees Tiger Claw give the signal to attack. They drop out of the ceiling together, and Leo chops off a man's head before he hits the ground.

Just like that, he's a killer. And he doesn't feel anything.

The warehouse explodes into blood and gunfire and echoing screams. The Savate choke on a cloud of smoke bombs, shooting at each other more often than the ninja who kill them. Some of them aren't half bad in hand to hand combat, but even as worn out and battered as he is from training, Leo is their superior.

He feels blood splashing his mouth, running foul and bitter down his throat, and thinks, They're just humans.

He sees Tiger Claw’s shuriken catch a woman in the back of the head as she runs for the door and thinks, She's just a human.

He doesn't believe himself.

When it's over, Leo stands panting in the wreckage, covered in guts and soot. He spots a teenage girl peering up at him from underneath a corpse, eyes wide in her bloodstained brown face. Leo turns away, as if that small, pathetic act of mercy could make up for what he's done.

"Show me your blades," Tiger Claw orders, while his men pick through the Savate's valuables. He smiles slightly at the sight of blood drenching Leo's claws and sword, at the knives he has to pull from three different corpses. Leo honestly isn't sure how many people he's killed tonight.

They're just humans, he tells himself as they return to Foot headquarters. Humans who would run away screaming or call the police if they saw him on the street, humans who don't give a flying fuck for him and his family. They don't deserve his pity.

When he blinks, the world beyond his eyes is red. His head rings with screams.

He sobs in the shower, not caring if the glove hears. The blood runs down his body and pools around his feet, like a hungry pink mouth. He pricks himself on his wrist, where the wrappings will hide it. The first cut, he thinks, but not the last.

When he's done he tries to meditate, but he's shaking so hard he can't concentrate. He clenches his jaw to keep his teeth from chattering, rubbing his arms and wondering why it got so damn cold all of sudden.

The door clicks open and Shredder walks in, because he owns the place. Leo can't stand to attention, can't even speak. He just stares up at Saki, wondering what fresh hell is coming with him.

But instead of looking scornful and contemptuous, the Shredder's eye is soft. "The first time is always hard," he says, sitting across from Leo and removing his helmet. "I'd offer you tea, but you'd probably throw it back up." There is no judgement in his voice, and Leo suddenly wishes there was.

"I was nineteen, my first time," the Shredder goes on, like Leo's supposed to give a shit about that. "Two men attacked me on the streets of Tokyo. I had to kill them, and a passing witness. I ran home and threw up everything I ate for three days."

Leo tries not to gape. He can't imagine the Shredder, of all people, ever admitting weakness.

"I called my brother--adopted, although I didn't know it at the time--and told him I was going to confess to the police. He convinced me not to." Shredder's twisted mouth quirks at the edge. "I imagined he regretted that very much, later on."

At this Leo does gape, although he quickly closes his mouth. It's too late, though; Shredder sees it, the way he sees everything.

"I'm telling you this because the rat never would," Shredder explains. "I have no illusions; I know that you don't want to be here, that you would kill me where I sat if you thought you could guarantee your brother's safety afterwards. But that doesn't mean I can't take the opportunity to show you the truth of things."

Leo stares at the floor, not trusting himself to reply.

"Do you think your family will forgive you for what you have done?" Shredder asks. Leo opens his mouth, but he raises a slender finger. "I will know if you are lying. And you are not the only one who will suffer for it."

"I...I don't know," Leo admits. He wishes he could be sure, but...but even after he's cleaned and hung up his weapons, he can still see the blood staining them.

The Shredder nods. "Of course not. Your father has raised you to believe in peace, as if that could somehow make up for his own mistakes. Your brothers are children, weak and naive. But you..." His hand moves, viper-quick, to land on Leo's knee, the scarred one. Leo stiffens and tries to pull away, but the grip is iron tight. "...I carved the weakness out of you long ago."

Leo can't breathe; he's trading the shaking for paralysis. He can feel snow on his shell where no snow should be.

Saki chuckles and leans back. "Tell me, where do you think your family will go?"

"I don't know," Leo forces out. "Wherever they went, it's a place I've never been, like we did for Raph. I told them to stay in hiding for as long as they could."

Shredder raises an eyebrow, although at this point it's almost as hairless as one of Leo's eye ridges. "Do you think they will listen to you?"

"I don't know," Leo says, again. He forces a bit of defiance into his voice. "But even with my help, your forces won't be able to find them."

The Shredder just shrugs. "We shall see." He rises, pulling his helmet back on. "Get some rest. Tomorrow we'll start work on poisons." He walks away, leaving Leo alone again.

When Leo goes to bed, he finds himself crying again, silently. He thinks it's going to become a habit for him, and he's right.

Chapter Text

Shredder poisons him the next morning. Twice.

"Poison is not to be trifled with lightly," he says as Leo retches in the corner. "One who wishes to use it on others must first understand its effects." He doesn't even bother to act like he believes it. This is punishment, plain and simple.

But both times, Leo is given an antidote. And Shredder starts to actually teach him things, both regarding the use of exotic herbs and the deadly toxins that you can make out of a medicine cabinet or grocery store.

"Aren't you worried about me using it on you?" Leo asks, as they watch a poisoned mouse writhe and die in its cage.

"You wouldn't play with your brother's life in such a reckless way," Saki says simply. He pushes another cage over to Leo, with another mouse scrabbling inside. "Your turn."

The mouse is brown, like his father. Its fur looks blacker when it's dead.

Leo's days sink into a very weird rhythm. Days of poison and/or brutal combat training, followed by nerve-wracking showers. Occasionally, Shredder will start talking about the past, usually sticking on stories that make the Hamato family look bad. Leo just usually sips his tea and listens in silence, doing his best not to yawn. Who cares about the past when his present is so fucked up?

Nights are spent scouring the city for his family, Karai, Savate, Street Phantoms, or Ghost Boys. There's no sign of his brothers or of Karai--Leo's not sure if she's even in the city anymore. But they find plenty of gang members, and almost every night ends in a battle.

Leo grows intimately familiar with the sounds and smells a man makes when he dies. He scrubs off his weapons, his uniform, and his gear in the bathtub, until the drain is stained a permanent pink. He makes new cuts in the shadowed hollows of his body, between the toes or fingers, where Saki can't see. Then he goes to bed and silently cries himself to sleep, dreams of dead men clawing at him and Raph exploding into a million bits.

Next morning, he pulls on his gear, and with it the cold emotionless face of Kappa. Kappa feels no fear, no pity. Kappa is here to serve his master. Kappa doesn't miss his family with an almost physical pain. Kappa doesn't have to walk on a razor's edge, feeling like he's constantly on the verge of going crazy. 

On his most selfish nights, Leo wishes he could be Kappa all the time.

The Ghost Boy dangles from the ceiling, greasy hair brushing the floor. The smell of his comrades' blood and shit hangs heavy in the air, but he hisses insults all the same. Leo can't decide if he's very brave or very stupid.

"What's new, pussycat?" the man mutters as Tiger Claw kneels in front of him. "You want some milk, huh?" He wiggles his hips obscenely. "Want some of my milk, your big freaky fag--" Tiger Claw tears his ear off with one vicious rip.

"Cub," Tiger Claw barks, "get a cloth on this." Leo does as he's told, using his left hand because the right is shaking slightly. This isn't the first of Tiger Claw's 'lessons' he's been forced to sit through, but he hasn't gotten used to it yet. He hopes he never does.

"The facial nerves are extremely sensitive," Tiger Claw explains, holding the man's jaw closed so he can talk over his screams. He talks with a professorial air, the way he always does during these things.

"Where is your master?" he asks, letting the Ghost Boy's jaw go.

"C-can't..." he sobs, blood and snot dribbling off his lips. "She'll...she'll kill my girl, my parents..."

"You see, cub," says Tiger Claw, pulling out a knife. "Physical pain can sometimes be counteracted with psychological threats." He pulls on the skin under the man's eye, exposing his socket.

"The trick, then, is to create physical pain so blinding that it shatters one's ability to remember, let alone react to, former threats."

Leo doesn't sleep at all that night.

Leo much prefers the lessons Tiger Claw gives him on the gun range. "A ninja must master a wide range of weapons to be truly proficient at his craft," he explains when Leo stares blankly at the row of targets.

Leo doesn't respond. He rarely talks to Tiger Claw--to anyone in the Foot, really, except for the Shredder. The less he has to say, the less he has to acknowledge to himself that this is really happening.

His first lessons go slowly, what with his having the wrong number of fingers and the top of his left hand being encased in an irremovable metal sheath. But Tiger Claw is a surprisingly patient teacher, and eventually Leo figures out how to assemble, dissemble, and fire pistols and rifles, his accuracy growing with every lesson.

One day, Saki comes to watch them. He and Tiger Claw stand in the corner, muttering to each other as Leo shoots over and over again, the different guns growing hot in his hands. He wonders if they're deciding whether to end this ridiculous game, to just kill him and Raph here, today. The effort it takes to keep his fingers from shaking is almost second nature by now.

The Shredder comes up to him afterwards, as Leo's dissembling and wiping down the guns. "Don't stop on my account," he says when Leo starts to go to attention, a bit of humor in his voice. Maybe he likes how Leo jumps for him like a trained dog.

As if I needed another reason to hate myself.

"Who do you see when you fire at the targets?" Shredder asks.

Leo blinks, not looking at him. "I need to see someone?"

"Most people do," Shredder explains. "Tiger Claw usually sees his parents or some of his ex-girlfriends. Most of the time I see Hamato Yoshi, or my adopted father."

"You, sometimes," Leo admits, because it's not like he's made his hate for the Shredder a secret, and Saki doesn't seem to consider some small insolence as a reason to kill Raph. "Tiger Claw, occasionally one of the other mutants."

"Yourself?"

"Maybe," Leo says. He's thought about killing himself in every way imaginable since he murdered that first Savate. Occasionally a bullet to the brain comes up.

He finishes putting the guns away and turns to see the Shredder looming over him. "Tiger Claw says you smell of tears every day," he says.

Fuck fuck fuck. "And you believe him? This," he holds up the glove, "charming device would let you know if I was crying." It's the first time he's mentioned the true nature of the glove aloud, and he briefly wonders if he's gone too far.

But Saki just runs a soft finger along Leo's neck, making him shiver. "You didn't answer my question," he says, voice low with warning. His finger presses alongside Leo's throat, picking up his pulse. The warning is clear: I will know if you are lying.

"Perhaps," Leo mutters, embarrassment crawling up his throat. He thinks about triggering the claws...but Saki's muscles are tense, expecting an attack. Perhaps even anticipating it. "What's it to you, anyway?" he asks instead.

"It matters," says the Shredder, "because the fact that you are still mourning for your old life means that you haven't embraced this one." He wraps his hand around Leo's neck and grips, ever so slightly. "Which means that I will have to resort to more...creative measures in helping you understand the new way of things."

Leo looks into his eye and says nothing. If he opens his mouth, he'll start screaming or throwing up.

"Slash disappeared last night," Shredder says, abruptly switching topics. "We found an ejected brain worm near his last location."

Slash. Leo had seen him on a few, less stealthy missions, roaring and ripping people apart with his bare hands. He'd look into Slash's blank, uncomprehending eyes and felt a hint of envy--even though he'd also noticed the way Slash's massive limbs twitched erratically, the way his face spasmed as Raph's had.

But Slash is free now, which means that Donnie has figured out the cure. Which means his brothers will come looking for him, thinking that he also has a brain worm. putting them in danger...but also giving Leo a chance to communicate with them. Even if his conversations are monitored, he'll be able to find a way to tell them about the bomb. He knows he can, and then, then he can go home.

He can't keep the hope from lighting up his face, even though he forces it back down almost immediately. Shredder raises an eyebrow/eye ridge. "Neurological degeneracy was past the point of no return," he says. "He'll be dead in a few days, anyway. But...that's not what you're concerned with, is it?"

Leo doesn't know what to say, so he doesn't say anything.

"They'll come to save you," Saki purrs. His hand leaves Leo's throat, travels up his neck and across his head in a mockery of a caress. "But the brother they've lost won't be the brother they've found, will it? And they'll see--you'll all see--the truth." His voice is soft in Leo's ear, like a snake slithering into his brain. "You belong to me."

"Eat shit." The words slip out of Leo before he can consider what a risk he's taking, but Saki's eyes just crinkle in a smile. "There's that spirit of yours," he says. "Enjoy it while it lasts."

He heads out of the range, gesturing for Leo to follow. Leo stares at the back of his and thinks a few more days. A little while longer . A little while longer until he finds his brothers, until he can tell Donnie about the bomb and get him to save Raph, fix all of Leo's fuckups.

He can hold out for a little while longer.

That night, they take down the leader of the Street Phantoms, a man named Darius Dun. Leo stands outside his burning headquarters, covered in soot and blood, trying to separate the screams he's hearing right now from the ones in his head. Shredder is there to rip Dun to pieces with his claws, while Bebop and Rocksteady mangle rock lyrics in the background.

Back at the base, Leo finds that Shredder has hired a bunch of hookers to help "celebrate" their victory. It's such a cliched bad-guy thing to do that he doesn't know whether to laugh or cry at the sight of these beautiful women (warned in advance, no doubt) flirting and dancing with the mutants like they're normal.

Leo is permitted to slip away from the party and clean up in his room. He's just about to turn in for some more soundless weeping when there's a knock on his door.

There's a Foot Bot outside, which can only mean the Master wants to see him. The robot shakes its head when Leo reaches for his swords and knives, but he reassures himself that he still has that stupid glove.

The Foot Bot doesn't lead him to the dojo, and for an insane moment he thinks that Donnie might have reprogrammed it, is trying to use it to lead his supposedly brainwashed brother into a rescue/trap. Those hopes are dashed when the Foot Bot stops in front of a door and waves him into a dim bedroom.

"Hello."

Saki is sitting on the edge of an expensive-looking bed, wrapped in a robe. He's not wearing his armor or his helmet, and he looks more terrifying than Leo has ever seen him.

Leo pops his claws, almost on instinct. The Shredder just sighs and presses a button on his wrist, sending the claws back into their sheath with a painful shunk. "It's usually death for a ninja to draw a weapon on his master," he says mildly. "You should be thankful I'm in such a good mood."

"No," Leo breathes, pressing his shell against the door. He needs to pull it open, needs to run , he needs to stop this from happening because this isn't right, this isn't sane, this isn't....

"This isn't real." That's it, he's lost his mind, which is problematic, sure, but not as bad as...as...

"I assure you, it is," Saki says. "You're mine, remember? I just need to drive that fact home, as it were." He sits back, letting the robe fall open a little. "Now undress and come here."

"No," Leo says firmly, straightening his back. He won't do it, he won't debase himself like this, he is still his father's son despite everything and he will not. Do. This.

Saki just sighs, the candlelight flickering on his bald head. "Do you think your brothers are sleeping together?" he asks suddenly. "Yoshi and I used to do that when we were small and one of us had nightmares."

The bottom drops out of Leo's stomach.

"I imagine they make a very charming pile," the Shredder says softly. "All cuddled up and cozy, with Raphael at the center...Do you think they're talking about you right now? Do you think they're discussing how much they miss their sweet big brother?"

His voice darkens. "I won't ask you again."

Him or his brothers. The decision makes itself.

Leo's hands are shaking as he shrugs out of his belt and pauldrons before slowly removing the wrappings. He reaches for his mask, but the Shredder murmurs, "Leave it on." He wiggles his fingers in a come-hither gesture, and Leo walks slowly towards him.

He's grabbed by the shell and yanked into the Shredder's lap. Leo lets out a squeal, unable to help himself, his hands pressing on Saki's muscular chest as it rumbles with laughter. There's something hard pressing against his tail

"Just get it over with," Leo grits out, looking down while his face burns with shame.

"That is not the point of this exercise, Kappa," the Shredder chides, tugging Leo's mask tails until their eyes are forced to lock. "This is not punishment or a test, it is a lesson. One that you will enjoy if you only permit yourself to relax." He nibbles at Leo's neck, his teeth oh so gentle, and Leo bites back a whimper.

"No," Saki says, tightening his grip on Leo's thigh. "If I suspect you are holding back any sounds, any feelings, I will detonate the bomb, do you understand?"

"Yes...Master," Leo whispers. His head is full of white noise, buzzing and burning.

"Good." The Shredder tips Leo onto his shell and looms over him, shrugging off the robe. "Now, spread your legs and cross your arms above your head. You won't be needing them for the rest of the night."

Saki takes his time. That is one of the worst things.

His fingers may pinch and scrape and bruise at times, but there's also a kind of care in the way they explore Leo's body. He asks endless questions about how certain parts work, how different actions feel. Leo answers honestly, his voice a strange, hoarse drone.

When he's ordered to show his cock and unclench his tail, he does. When he's told to suck Saki's fingers, to make more of those "interesting sounds," he does. He's ordered not to meditate, to not drift away, so he doesn't. He stays in his body, only it's more Shredder's body now, considering how completely he controls it.

Leo doesn't move. No matter how much he wants to, he makes no effort to close his legs or push Shredder away. He lets it happen, which must mean there's some part of him that actually does want this, wants the pain and the fear and the violation, the terrible waves of pleasure he can't stop.

At least, that's what Saki seems to think. "You love this, don't you?" he whispers, pushing a lubricated finger deep inside him. "You're so tight, so innocent...but at the same time you're wriggling and moaning like a first-class whore." He taps a bundle of nerves and Leo churrs, the sound tangled up in a sob.

His free hand tangles in Leo's mask tails, yanking his head painfully far back. "My precious little Kappa--I never should have thrown you away that day of the invasion." The invasion. It always comes back to the invasion. "I could have chained you to my throne and taught you to eat from my hand." The idea makes Leo's gag reflex throb, and he'd have vomited already if it would have meant Shredder killing just him.

"Hush," Saki whispers, planting a kiss on Leo's quivering throat. It feels good, the way so much of this feels good. Leo didn't think it was possible to feel so good, while at the same time your mind is on fire and your skin wants to rip itself off your bones.

"Cum for me, my beautiful monster," Shredder whispers, and Leo does. For a few seconds, he forgets his name and the names of his brothers. When he comes back to himself, remembers what he's done and who he's dishonored with his submission, he wants to die.

"I hate you," he whispers, tears rolling down his cheeks.

"Now's not the time to be talking to yourself, Kappa," Shredder says, squeezing Leo's tail with his free hand.

He's dragged through two more orgasms before they get to the actual sex. The penetration hurts, but not nearly as bad as it could have been since he's been prepared, at least a little. He wants it to hurt, he wants to split apart from the inside out. His soul is being torn to pieces, why not his body?

He was so, so stupid to think he might best the Shredder in a battle of wits. The man could have destroyed Leo his first night here, but he decided to drag things out, just because he could.

"They're never going to take you back," he whispers, slamming Leo's head against the pillow. "Do you think anything you say, any excuse you give, could make up for you spreading your legs for their greatest enemy? They'll never understand..." he plants a sloppy, rough-edged kiss on Leo's beak, "...but I will. I can love you, Kappa, if only you let yourself be loved. You can be happier with me than you ever were with that rat."

Leo should say never, but he can't. He can't speak, he can barely breathe. It hurts so much and he feels so wonderful and he's so so so scared and he really thinks he might be going crazy, now.

A note of desperation enters Saki's voice as his pace picks up. "You'll never leave," he whispers. "Not like the others did. I didn't keep them, didn't mark them, but I can mark you. I can make you stay, Kappa."

Didn't mark them. Meaning he didn't do this to the others, to Raph and Karai. For a second Leo wants to deflate with relief, but then Saki grabs his legs, slings his knees over scarred shoulders, and Leo's thought processes fracture into a million bits.

Afterwards, his memories break down into sensory impressions. Burning pleasure. Blood on his thighs, teeth in his neck. Tears dripping onto his face from Saki's eye, mixing with Leo's own. A voice rambling nonstop, babbling compliments and complaints. 

“Yoshi,” he says.

The soft rustle of sweaty sheets clinging to him through the final, brutal shudders.

Leo passes out.

He wakes curled up in the tub of his own room, blood and semen pooling under him. He's bruised in places he didn't think it was possible to be bruised.

Leo cleans himself off, relishing the bite of too-hot water, the pain of scrubbing too hard between his legs. He triggers his reactivated claws and makes a few more cuts on his wrist, not bothering to hide them. Shredder must have seen his scars, but he didn't say anything, didn't care.

He knows Leo would never do permanent damage to himself, not with Raph's life still on the line.

Raph. His good, pure, brave brother. Raph would never let what had just happened happen to him. Neither would Splinter, or Donnie, or Mikey. They all would have figured something out, he knows they would have. There was a solution to Saki's ultimatum, one he just didn't see because he's a stupid, useless...

"Whore," he says, staring into the bathroom mirror.

That's what he is. A whore. A very deadly, very well-trained whore, but a whore nonetheless. He imagines all the people he's killed laughing at him, mocking him. He deserves this. He deserves everything.

Leo makes a cut in the skin next to his eye, then another next to the other eye. Blood runs down his face, bright crimson tears. So many tears. He's just a fucking well of liquids at this point.

His family will never want him back now. They'll figure it out, they'll realize what he allowed to happen and that he didn't even have a brain worm to force him into it. He imagines what they'll say: Slut. Needy little bitch. Traitor. Dishonorable. You shamed us, abandoned us for a good fuck. Did you like it, Leonardo? Do you want more?

He doesn't want more. But he suspects he'll get it anyway. Saki will want to make sure his "lesson" has properly sunk in.

For a little while, Leo just stands there. Then he washes the blood and tears away, goes to put on his uniform. It's more covering than when he used to wear, concealing the bruises and bite marks pretty well. He's still sore, but he can make himself move with his usual grace. His tail wants to hang loose, but he forces it to clench up against the painful place between his legs, hiding the damage.

A sensitive nose could no doubt pick up Shredder on him, but at least he doesn't have to look like a beaten bitch.

Afterwards he goes to sit on the bed and starts putting together a plan for telling the others about the bomb. The Shredder may have broken him, but he couldn't take away Leo's need to protect his family.

The plan is really more or less the same, it's just the ending that's changed. Because instead of returning to his family when the bomb is disabled, Leo is going to find a way to kill himself in a manner that won't arouse their suspicions, so they'll never get a chance to figure out how he betrayed them.

He's become a black mark on the Hamato name, and nothing sounds better than the prospect of rubbing himself out for good.

Chapter Text

From Leo's point of view, he's basically already dead.

To be honest, it's an upgrade.

He walks to the dojo the next morning, the pain from his bruises a barely noticeable flicker at the back of his mind. "And how did you sleep, Kappa?" Shredder says, eyes bright and mocking.

"Very well, Master, thank you," Leo replies, his voice a drone. He was expecting something like this, to be honest, not that he really cares. He sees shock flicker across Shredder's face, but he doesn't really care about that, either. Zombies are beyond such things.

They have more brutal sparring. Shredder wins, although in a way he also loses because he's the one wasting time and effort picking a fight with a zombie. Hasn't he ever seen The Walking Dead? What kind of moron thinks it's a good idea to practice ninjutsu with a zombie? Michonne may have a sword, but at least she doesn't waste time sparring with the undead

Leo has a bit of a crush on Michonne. Had--no crushes for zombies.

His mind is wandering.

Focus. Zombies are very very good at focus, it's all they can do.

How long have they been fighting? How many times has he gotten up, only to be knocked back down? Who knows? Who cares?

He thinks he might be staying on his feet a bit longer between rounds, which is good. He'll need all the extra skill and training he can get before their final fight--not that he plans to survive, of course, but it'll take his all to bring Shredder with him.

That'll be nice, won't it? Two terrible enemies falling together, all loose ends tied up. A fairytale ending for his brothers to find. They'll mourn him, sure, but it's better than them discovering his betrayal.

In the shower, Saki pushes him up against the wall and starts groping him, his fingers stretching and tearing at tender skin. Leo tilts his head back, letting the water fall on his face as he obediently makes his interesting little sounds. Now that the Shredder has stopped maintaining his perfect self-control, it seems that he can't get enough of his body.

"Tang Shen," Saki breathes at one point, and it's so pathetic and hilarious Leo would laugh if he remembered how.

At least he doesn't use his dick this time, apparently because he doesn't want to damage Leo too badly. Or maybe he's just not ready to handle the complexities of full-on shower sex.

Leo watches sweat roll down the Shredder's burned face, and wonders what his blood will taste like. Will it taste bitter and metallic, like Leo's blood and the blood of the humans he's killed? Or will it burn on the tongue, as befits a demon in human skin?

More running, more sneaking, more people dying. Leo thinks it's the Savate tonight, although he honestly can't tell them apart at this point. He always found it easier to distinguish human faces from each other in cartoon form, to be honest.

Thinking about Space Heroes hurts, so he orders himself not too. Zombies don't feel pain, remember? It's, like, one of the few benefits of being a zombie.

People run from him, screaming, and Leo wishes he could tell them not to be scared; being dead isn't so bad. Seeing is believing, so he decides to just show them the way as quickly and efficiently as possible.

Watching the floorboards turn red, he wonders if his brothers would have taken him back even if Saki hadn't fucked him, or if that was just wishful thinking on his part. His father always told them to see the most peaceful path, and he thinks racking up a dozen corpses (at least) tonight alone might be stretching that a little bit.

On the way back, he hears rumors that a group of Foot soldiers were found beaten unconscious, hears the fear in the Foot Soldiers' voice as they debate whether "they" are back. His brothers are coming, and Leo feels a bit of happiness flicker through the zombie-fog. At least he'll be able to see them one last time. He hopes they'll be okay without him.

When he gets to his room the Foot Bot is waiting for him, and he can't help shaking a little. He blames it on his body getting ready for decomposition (or something, Donnie's always been the guy to talk to about that stuff).

When he's allowed to return, there are fresh bruises between his legs, fresh bites on his neck and thighs. There are more bruises on his knees and the back of his neck; his throat hurts and there's something sweet-salty in his mouth.

He thinks that the Shredder gave him a blowjob tonight as a "lesson," before making him give one in return, but he honestly can't remember clearly. The memories drift away when he tries to grab at some, soft-edge and insubstantial as cotton candy.

Leo thinks there might be something wrong with his mind. Lucky he won't have to deal with it for long.

He lies on his bed and stares at the ceiling, screams and moans echoing meaninglessly through his head. But he doesn't cry. The dead can't cry.

There's a man dangling from a lamppost, something Mikey saw on Batman and never got over. One of the others has some kind of electric burn--has Donnie been upgrading his bo staff? Most of the others have the distinct cuts of Raph's sai, although he also sees marks from Casey's spiked gloves and April's Tessen.

"Well?" Tiger Claw asks as they stand in the middle of the wreckage. "Is it your family?"

"You know it is," Leo says, prodding at a groaning ninja with his toe. Some of the others are already being loaded into some kind of makeshift ambulance, a process that Leo watches with interest. He never really considered what happened to the warriors he and his brothers beat senseless.  

Tiger Claw sighs and crosses his arms. "When they confront us, will you do what needs to be done?"

"I'll do whatever it takes to keep Master Shredder happy," Leo says, not bothering to look at him. "That's the only thing that matters, isn't it?"

Tiger Claw draws a deep, shuddering breath, crossing his arms. There's blood spotting his sleeve from another interrogation/torture lesson earlier tonight; Leo had spent the most of the session staring at the man's twitching leg and trying to read the tattoo on his ankle.

When Tiger Claw ordered him to participate, his movements had been mechanical and precise. There had been a ripple of guilt at the back of his mind, but it hadn't felt like much. Zombies weren't ones for feeling pity.

"You...you smell different, cub," Tiger Claw says. "You look different, act different. Something has--has changed, in the Shredder's treatment of you, hasn't it?"

Leo thinks that this might be a reason for him to panic, but he really doesn't care what this stripey Deathstroke knockoff thinks of him. "Are you jealous?" he asks lightly.

Tiger Claw stiffens, but doesn't confirm or deny the statement. "I...I trust my master's judgement, but I think that another path of...control would, perhaps, have been wiser."

"Are you trying to absolve yourself?" Leo asks. He snickers. "Oh, Tiger Claw. That is foolish, even for you."

Tiger Claw growls at the words.

"What, do you want to fight? I'm perfectly happy to beat you again." Leo squats down besides a twitching mass and whistles. "Raph really did a number on this one."

Raph would be the one most likely to forgive him for the killing, he thinks. And least likely to forgive him for the fucking.

"None of us are innocent," Leo says, studying the shadow cast by a streetlamp. "Not you, not me, and certainly not the," he holds up the glove and speaks directly into it, "Almighty Shredder."

He thinks Shredder might have heard that bit of mockery and decided not to let it pass this time, because he's more...aggressive that night. It'll hurt to walk tomorrow, but what else is new?

In his dreams, his brothers ask him to perform for them, to show them all the cool tricks he learned as Shredder's courtesan. He doesn't want to, but they promise to let him back into the family if he does.

He knows it's a lie, but he can't resist the hope anyway.

The man's name is Victor, and he's apparently the leader of the Savate. He talks a good game and actually manages to back it up, taking down a whole squad of ninja and even wounding Tiger Claw before Leo cuts his gun in half and confronts him alone.

"What's this?" he snarls, drawing a knife. "A little green bitch, here to mess with his betters? I'll give you a spanking like you'll never forget, boy."

Leo destroys him, effortlessly. He feels a sort of dull amusement in the process, and wonders if Saki feels this way when he destroyed Leo that day in the construction site or that night in the bedroom.

He disembowels Victor and quickly sets about searching his office for paper while Victor lies on the floor, clutching his guts and screaming. Leo points his gloved hand in Victor's direction while the other rifles through his desk, so the microphone will hopefully pick up on his bloodcurdling howls rather than the scratch of pencil on notepad.

He keeps his feet tense against the floor, ready to pick the vibrations of upcoming feet. The other ninja may be silent, but they don't drift like ghosts, at least not in the heat of battle.

Leo has written a somewhat sloppy Bomb in Ra before he hears Fishface's distinctive tread. He shoves the paper into his belt (it's not like his brothers know anyone else whose name starts with Ra) and is busy chopping off Victor's head when Fishface pokes his head in.

He whistles at the intestines steaming on the floor. "You've got a sadistic streak, kid."

"Whatever," Leo mutters, stalking past him with Victor's head swinging from his hand.

The Foot decide to mount it on a spike on Fifth Avenue, for some reason.

"You did very well with the Savate tonight, Kappa," Shredder says, stroking Leo's bloodstained head. "You deserve a reward."

The 'reward' is waiting for him when he comes out of the shower. It's a girl on his bed, with a purple streak in her long black hair and brown skin. He thinks he's seen her before, at one warehouse slaughter or another, but he can't be sure. Leo sits cross legged against the wall and they regard each other in silence.

"How old are you?" he finally asks.

"Seventeen," she says, not bothering to lie. "How old are you?"

"Sixteen," he says. At least, he thinks he's sixteen. He's kind of lost track of time at this point. "Do you want to be here?"

She shrugs. "It's good money. You're a lot smaller than the other guys, so that's a plus. I don't have to worry so much about acrobatics." She cocks her head. "Do you want me here?"

Leo laughs harshly. "What I want doesn't matter." He lifts his glove, points to the microphone, then puts a finger to his lips. He repeats the motion over and over again until she gets it, her eyes widening with shock.

(Could he do this with his brothers? He's supposed to have the latest version of a neurodegenerative worm in his head, so they'd probably just think it's a spasm. Fucking turtle luck).

"Weird," is all the girl says. Leo nods, because yes, this is weird. Shredder's ever-expanding need for control over Leo's body is weird, and Shredder's elaborate plans are weird, and Leo's very existence is weird. He's sort of numb to the weirdness at this point.

He gets up and goes to sit beside her. They kiss, softly, the way he used to fantasize about doing with Karai, a lifetime ago.

He wonders where Karai is. He hopes she's somewhere very far away from all this, safe and happy and free. He hopes that she's forgotten them, forgotten the Shredder, although Leo knows from experience that Shredder is the kind of person who brands himself in your head.

The girl slips out of her tiny dress and falls back against the mattress, hair sliding through his fingers.

If nothing else, Leo understands how bodies work enough to be both gentle and quick. The girl shudders in his arms, and he doesn't care to ask whether it was real or faked.

When they're done, he lies curled up on his side, facing away from her. She traces curious patterns on his shell, and he should probably ask her to stop, but he doesn't.

"Your eyes went white when you came," she says thoughtfully.

"Third eyelid," Leo mutters, jamming his face into the pillow. "Can you turn the light off, please?" She does, and he falls asleep quickly. When he wakes up, she's gone, and he's lonelier than he should be.

Try as he might, he can't remember her face. They're just a gray, tired mass where her eyes should be.

There are groups of Foot Bots for him to fight. Some have nunchaku or kurisigami, some have bo staffs, some have sai, a few have Tessens. It's such a juvenile trick he doesn't even bother commenting. He destroys them all without hesitating.

On the training range, they've hung up pictures of his brother's faces, captured through Foot Bot cameras. It's a simple enough task to narrow his eyes and turn their faces into his own. He shoots them all with fairly decent accuracy. The April and Casey ones are a little harder, but the they're just humans mantra gets him through it.

When he's cleaning the guns, given a brief moment of bullshit privacy, he puts one to his head and pulls the trigger. There's something strangely satisfying about that little click , even if nothing comes with it.

He'd like to kill Tiger Claw with one of these guns, but they'd mess up most of his plans. Hopefully he'll off himself once his beloved master is dead. And if not, well...it won't be Leo's problem anymore.

"The man I called Father caught me in bed with a boy, once," Saki says, twisting his fingers through Leo's mask tails as they lie on the bed together, sweaty and tired. "He beat me black and blue; I couldn't speak for two days. He said it was perverted to love both girls and boys, but I think he was just paranoid about me relying on someone other than him."

Leo says nothing, just watches a fly crawling across the ceiling. He has a sudden, terrible flash of himself a few decades down the line, lying in bed with some helpless child and rambling about his own miserable adolescence. Good thing I'll be dead before that's a problem.

There are a few scales missing from his tail where Saki bit it earlier, leaving a bloody little patch. It hurts like a mother, so he distracts himself by imagining Saki clutching his own entrails the way Victor did.

"Do you hate me?" Shredder asks.

"Of course," Leo replies, in the same dead cadence that he uses whenever he speaks to his master. A zombie's voice, or a robot's. The voice of something that has not only forgotten the past, but never had one to begin with.

"Do you hate yourself?"

Leo rubs a tender cut on his arm, one of the many that have been popping up recently (he can only remember making some of them). "Yes."

"Do you have a plan to contact your brothers while you hunt for them?"

"Why bother?" The lie comes automatically--same voice, same tone, same slow heartbeat. If you're a zombie for long enough, you can learn to hide the last few flickers of life.

Shredder chuckles, tugging Leo close against his chest. "Good answer."

He plants a rough kiss on the back of Leo's head. "You are the most exquisite little beast, Kappa," he whispers. "My demon, my pet monster." His heartbeat is pressed against Leo's earslit, thrumming through his head. "I'm so glad you've finished mourning. Now we're ready to move on."

I stopped mourning because corpses don't mourn. You know surprisingly little about corpses for someone fucking one.

The leader of the Ghost Boys is a woman named Xiang Fei Tong. Leo slips through the halls of her headquarters, dodging security cameras and silently taking down guards, making his way to her office. Tiger Claw is already there when he arrives, pinning Xiang to her desk while Rahzar makes dirty jokes from the corner.

The moment Leo steps in the door, his feet slow to a stop. There's something off about the situation, although he can't quite put his finger on it. Xiang is making the usual mutant jokes, her voice desperate and strange...but she's not struggling nearly as hard as they could have. And when Leo glimpses her eyes through the spiky hair, they don't have the wild glaze of panic that usually comes with being in Tiger Claw's grip.

Leo has started to put the pieces together by the time Rahzar checks his radio and realizes that Fishface isn't answering. Tiger Claw frowns, start sending in Foot Bots to check it, only there are no Foot Bots.

"What do you think you're doing, you stupid bitch?" Tiger Claw snarls, tightening his grip on Xiang's chest. "Do you think your warriors can outlast the Foot?"

"I know they can't," Xiang replies simply, a satisfied smile on her face. "So I made a deal."

Tiger Claw blinks, but Leo's already thinking of the Mutanimals--Kurtzman probably has some underworld ties, Mondo definitely does, and through them Xiang could reach--

Xiang and Leo both shut their eyes right before the first flash grenade comes flying through the window.

Chapter Text

Xiang and Tiger Claw are crashing around the office, hissing and spitting, while Rahzar frantically rubs his eyes until a shuriken stuns him with a thwack.

Donnie's there, smashing through the window, and the zombie fog burns away.

Leo's knees are going weak, he can't move, can't breathe, all the pain and fear and guilt and homesickness crashing in on him, and all he wants to do is run into his brother's arm, beg to be taken home because Lair or no Lair, wherever they take him is home...

Then Raph drops in behind him, and Leo remembers he has a job to do.

He whites out his eyes and raises his blades. No sign of Mikey; he's probably busy fending off the remaining ninja while the others corral their wayward brother.

Donnie steps forward, raising his hands, eyes darting for spasms that aren't there. "Leo, please--"

Leo charges him, flips him against the wall and feels the impact in his own bones. Raph lungs with his sai, not bothering to say anything because he thinks Leo can't hear it and in a way he's right. Leo twists the sai between his claws, watches Raph's eyes wide with shock as their blades smash and clash until Leo's able to flip him, too.

Tiger Claw and Xiang crash through the window, still screaming at each other, and Leo wants to weep because things are actually going right for once. He's got a few moments of relative privacy and he sprints towards Donnie, reaching in his pocket to draw out the message--

Mikey crashes down on him from above.

Leo lets out a scream as he falls, because shit shit shit how did he forget that Mikey can be so sneaky if he wants to be? He must have snuck in while Leo was distracting, hiding on the ceiling, or maybe he was on the ceiling the whole fucking time because for a so-called ninja Leo was somehow dumb enough to forget to look up.

He's moving, twisting as he falls, but he can't escape the chain that winds expertly around his hands, and he sure as shit can't keep a grip on that paper. It falls, disappearing under green feet, and Leo howls, twisting and yanking but he can't get free. Mikey is so strong now, all of a sudden, when did he get so strong, or did Leo get weaker (when was the last time he ate? he can't remember).

"Shhh, shhh, it's okay," someone says as they all gather around him, their beautiful familiar eyes wide with concern. He thrashes, but he's pinioned, helpless, spread out just the way Shredder likes him--

No, no, stop! You need to relax, you need to find someway to salvage this magnificent clusterfuck you've made for yourself (fucking typical), let them know you're still conscious--

But his scarf is being yanked away now and Donnie is patting him on the neck, and he knows it's just rubbing alcohol, but there's a voice in his head saying you like it when I rub you there, don't you? Little animals love to be petted and he can't breathe--

--And there's a needle stabbing him and that's the cure, he should relax but wait wait wait if he relaxes the demon glove will hear them talking about it and the bomb will go off and he'd think better if they would just get that needle out of him but when they do it doesn't feel better--

"Breathe with me, breathe with me," Raph whispers, rocking him back and forth like they did on the mattress and oh god what is wrong with him why is his perverted filthy mind comparing what Shredder did to the sweet affection of his brothers--

"It's not working!" Donnie screams. "Why isn't it working!"

"No, look, his eyes are back!" Mikey says frantically, because Leo has indeed managed to force his third eyelids open since he's not, in fact, completely useless.

"That's not enough!" Donnie yells. "There's got to be some kind of gag reflex!" He's prodding at Leo's stomach and Leo screams like a banshee, which really isn't helping matters but he can't stop it because he's not a zombie anymore, all the screams he locked up in his head since that first night on the mattress, since he first got to Foot Headquarters, they're all spilling out at the worst possible moment and what do you call this, hmm? A plastron? Very interesting--

--April, April must be taking care of the other ninja, he needs to stop fighting and somehow get them to get her so she can read his mind and somehow figure this out--

--But what if she sees everything, what he's done and what's been done to him, he can't possibly be cruel enough to put her through that--

Mikey's frantically asking, "Maybe it's a different model?" and Donnie's yelling, "No, this was designed to counter advanced stages!" He's crying, poor Donnie, my sweet genius I put you through too much, I always did, and I'd cry with you if I could but my tears have run dry--

--Just. Stop. Fighting, but Raph is rubbing his head and I have a reward for you fuck I am insane--

"Why is he bleeding?"

And the world goes very still.

His tail. The delicate patches on his tail are bleeding from being rubbed against the floor, and the other sore spots between his legs are bleeding, too.

"I didn't hurt him," Mikey says, panic in his voice. "I didn't, I swear-- " Then he's drowned out by Leo's screams and feet drumming against the floor as Raph holds him down, whispering "It's gonna be okay," but that is a lie because Donnie is trying to check for cuts, trying do something after spending all those months on an unnecessary cure, and ends up pulling off his leg wrappings- -

They all see the bruises at the same time. The fingerprints, violet and yellow and black and green, as prominent as brands. His thighs haven't been unmarked since Shredder took him the first time. And then their eyes skip to the tail, to the teeth marks there, and to the bites on his throat where the scarf had been pulled away. His shame is revealed for them all to see.

Leo slams his head against the floor and lets out a low keen.

"Oh, God, Leo..." Raph claps a hand to his mouth.

Oh God, you're an even bigger fuckup than I thought. Oh God, you're a whore and hypocrite. Oh God, I can't believe we wasted so much time following your orders. Oh God, I can't believe Splinter made such a huge mistake by making you leader.

Leo twists his gaze away, cheeks burning red. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Donnie's eyes narrow at the sight of the blush--no doubt starting to realize that there's no brain worm, that Leo let himself be marked this way, as if this nightmare couldn't get any worse.

Mikey throws up, the smell of his disgust filling Leo's nose...as his hands slacken on the chain.

Leo sits up, yanking with all his might and sending Mikey's head crashing against the ground (monster traitor disgusting beast). He slams his foot against Raph's chest, a maneuver that wouldn't have worked if his brother wasn't blank-faced with shock. He's already yanking free of the chain as he snaps it through the air, knocking Donnie forward.

"Leo--" his brother gasps, right before he's hit in the neck. Bye, Leo mouths, not sure if Donnie sees it before his eyes roll up in his head.

Mikey's out cold, but Raph's jumping to his feet, drawing his sai. "Leo, wait, what--" No time for talking, even if it was safe his brothers will never listen to him again.

Leo charges again, and now that Raph's not stunned by the claws they should be evenly matched, like always. Only they're not, because Leo has Oroku Saki's voice in his head now, telling him about muscle tells and reducing friction, he's got a body that's been stripped of baby fat and honed into a hungry blade by god knows how many days of brutal training.

Soon Raph's gasping too hard to talk, and then he's falling to his knees with blood pouring from his nose and then Leo mouths sorry before giving him a very specific nerve pinch. Raph thrashes on the floor, legs kicking, jaw working silently. He makes noise, though, and the worst thing that can happen right now is for the glove to hear silence.

He looks for the paper, but it's gone and there's no time to scour the office for it. Raph won't believe anything he tries to communicate, so he'll have to find the bomb himself.

Tiger Claw sticks his head through the window with a bit of bloody black hair dangling from his mouth (the police will later find Xiang half eaten on the lawn, animal instincts can be a bitch). In one smooth move, Leo grabs a fallen sai and flings it at his head with that aim he's spent so much time honing, letting out a guttural roar that would do Raphael proud. Tiger Claw topples backward, blood and brains spurting through the air, landing with a heavy thump on the grass below. Rahzar starts to sit up in the corner and Leo throws the other sai into his throat.

Leo grabs a smoke bomb from Raph's belt and tosses it into the air, filling the room with dark clouds. Raph's gasping, gaping in confusion, but his feet are still obediently rattling on the floor, creating the type of racket one usually associates with strangulation or something equally assassin-worthy.

He sets to work, frantically running his eyes over Raph's body, looking for a scar that he knows doesn't belong. Raph has been in hiding for a while, and hasn't had time to acquire many new scars--the scar Leo's looking for is older, discreet, the kind Donnie and Mikey wouldn't recognize because they don't know Raph's body like Leo does. They haven't fought him as constantly as Leo has, haven't held him in position after position. And they don't know to look for the unobtrusive places.

As Raph gapes at him in shock, Leo swiftly lifts his legs in the air and runs his eyes down them, trying not to think of any parallels to Saki. He checks Raph's armpits, the back of his neck, between his fingers and toes, the bottoms of his feet, the sides of his torso. He glances between Raph's legs, trying not to touch, knowing he's still doing something terrible and finding one more reason to hate himself.

There only are a few scars he doesn't recognize, and the ones he sees are too recent.  In desperation, he tugs Raph's mask up his face, but there's only the one scar from the brain worm's insertion and Donnie would have checked there anyway. Raph's throat tightens as he prepares to gasp out a question, but Leo claps a hand over his mouth.

He tugs Raph over on his plastron, running his shaking fingers over and over his familiar shell because oh god what if there's no bomb, what if he's been enslaved by a lie what if what if what--

There.

On the back of Raph's shoulder, hidden in the shadow where his shell curves over his back. There's something there, something that doesn't feel familiar and doesn't feel new and raw either. Leo pulls Raph into the light so he can see better.

Mikey is sitting up, slowly and carefully. He can hear the distinctive roar of the Shellraiser in the distance, probably April and Casey frantically trying to put together an escape plan for this rapidly disintegrating mission. Leo is out of time.

He places a hand on Raph's heaving chest and mouths brace yourself. Raph stares in confusion, but doesn't have time to even guess at what the hell's going on when Leo grabs a knife from his belt and digs it deep into the scar.

Raph lets out an earsplitting screech and throws up. Leo hugs him to his chest with the glove hand, letting it absorb the screaming and retching as he peers into the bloody cut he's made, preparing that he's gone deep enough, that he guessed right, and he thinks he might see a glint of metal--

"Get away from him!" Mikey tackles him away, staggering upright with a too-heavy brother in his arms. Raph is still screaming as blood trickles down his plastron, and Leo feels tears prick in his eyes at the sight. Zombies can't cry, but he's not a zombie anymore, just a lost little freak.

"Why--what--I don't understand," Mikey gasps out. Donnie lurches to his feet and they all stare at him with identical expressions of fear and confusion.

That's right. I'm the monster. Treat me like one.

Leo bangs his weapons together over his head and lets out a deep growl, slowly advancing on them. Get out of here, you fucking idiots. They stagger backward, lurching towards the window as the Shellraiser screeches to a halt outside.

"Mikey, come on!" Donnie yanks him and a bloody, semiconscious Raph towards the window.

Mikey shakes his head. "We can't just leave him!"

Can't just leave me alive after what I've done, you mean. That's fine, I can take care of that. Only the bomb's still in Raph, now, so he has to sprint at them, shrieking and stabbing near their heads until they finally leap out the window to safety.

He barely avoids collapsing in relief as they disappear into the night, mask tails flickering in a final goodbye. I love you, he thinks at them.

There's still some of Raph's blood on the floor. He splashes a little of on his blades--not enough to say he killed them, he can't fake that. Just enough to suggest that he wreaked more damage than he did, even though he wreaked plenty of damage.

He has to play the good little soldier until the very end.

"You let them get away. You let them kill Tiger Claw and Rahzar."

Leo's kneeling naked on the bedroom floor, scrubbed clean, wearing the blindfold. He's worn the blindfold at least once before, although his memory of that time is fractured and confusing.

"I'm sorry, master," he says, bowing his head. If everything went right (a big if) Donnie should be working on Raph right around now. He just needs a little more time. And Leo can give him time, because the zombie fog has slipped back over him.

"You'll have to be punished." There's a bare, muscular foot wedging its way between Leo's thighs, and he obediently widens his knees, shivering as the Shredder's toes slip in under him.

"Yes, Master."

"Do you want to be punished?" The toes press up against his sore tail and Leo lets out a whimper. Saki likes his whimpers. "Do you want to be punished for being a traitor, a slut, a dirty little cocktease? For hurting the brothers who loved you?"

"Yes, Master," Leo admits.

"'Loved' being the operative word," Shredder says, withdrawing his foot. "They saw how I marked you, didn't they? I told you they would see." He kneels behind Leo, runs a soft hand up his shell. "Right now they're telling the rat about all your filthy escapades."

Splinter. His heart clenches.

"Perhaps we can make them a video, let them know how thoroughly you've been tamed," Shredder says. Leo's breath hitches at the possibility.

"You still want to keep them safe, don't you?" Shredder asks. "Even though they must despise you now?"

"Yes, Master," Leo says honestly.

"The last few ties are the hardest to break," Shredder says, running his thumb over the injection site on Leo's neck. "My old family, they hurt me for years before I was able to leave them. It will be easier for you, I think. The next time they see you, they will know precisely what you are, and they will make their rejection clear. And then..."

He yanks on the blindfold, until the back of Leo's head is scraping against the top of his shell. His neck is screaming, but he can take it. He can take a lot.

"...then you'll detonate the bomb yourself. You'll choose me." There's a hint of need in the last few words.

Take away the scary claws and elaborate armor, and the Shredder is just a child desperate to hold onto a toy. That is precisely what makes him so dangerous.

Something cool presses against Leo's cheek, splits the skin and sends blood trickling down his neck. "Just a little punishment, I think. A reminder, for every time you look in the mirror."

Leo has seen the Foot insignia carved into enough bodies by now to recognize the movements of Shredder's knife. He leans into the pain, relishing it.

Afterwards, Shredder scoops Leo into his arms and carries him to the bed. "Were you naughty tonight, Kappa?" he says, placing his fingers over Leo's pulse. "Did you try to tell your brothers our little secret?"

"No," Leo lies. His pulse doesn't change, because he's already dead.

Shredder kicks him out afterwards, the way he always does. In his room, Leo slings on his swords and knives and steps back into the hall.

He doesn't bother to look in the mirror. The Foot insignia on his cheekbone feels small, like a little red teardrop. It doesn't need to be big.

Donnie must have the bomb out by now if Leo's plan worked, and if it didn't...well, he refuses to hurt his brothers again.

He creeps through Foot headquarters, feet silent and swift. Shredder will be asleep, certain that his broken little Kappa would never willingly return to his room. But Leo has no illusions; he'll undoubtedly be startled awake by the sound of the door opening or the movement of the blade through the air, something Leo'll never be able to completely muffle.

The coming fight will be very vicious and very bloody. Leo is probably walking to his death and he accepts it, even manages to feel a flicker of happiness about the prospect.

Then he turns the corner and finds his brothers waiting for him.

His skitters to a stop, hands flying to his swords. Why are they here now that they know what Saki did, why would they take such a risk for someone like him--

Ah.

They're here to kill him.

His hand relaxes in understanding. Why should he get the right to end the Shredder? It's an honor he doesn't deserve. He's a little sad about that, but he won't complain about his family's choice. He can do this much for them, at least.

Mikey and Raph are both staring at his cheek with horrified expressions, while Donnie shakes himself and starts running his fingers over the glove. It isn't long before he finds the small circle of the microphone, the final piece of the puzzle. He nods a little to himself, his face bearing the faint satisfaction of a theory confirmed.

He pulls out a T-Phone and hands it to Leo. The familiar, comforting weight makes Leo's knees go weak, almost as much as the message glowing on the screen: We got the bomb out of Raph. You can come home now.

Donnie's started to mess with the glove, trying to get it off, and Leo yanks it away with a frown. With his free hand, he starts typing, his words fast and a little sloppy: Don't waste time with glove. You need to do it here quickly. Its safer.

He holds the phone up to them, and they all frown. Mikey opens his mouth to ask a question and Raph slaps a hand over it. As he turns Leo can see a bandage on his shoulder, and winces at the sight.

Donnie snatches the phone back and types some more: Do what?

Leo gives a noiseless sigh. Do they really need to make him say it? He takes the phone and types a quick response:

Kill me

Whatever he was expecting to happen when they read his message, it wasn't for their faces to go blank with shock. Mikey looks like he's going to throw up again, and Raph claps a hand over his own mouth. Donnie yanks the phone back and starts frantically typing, but before Leo can see his response--before he can begin to figure out what the fuck is going on--a voice echoes through the corridor.

"Having a party, are we, little Kappa?"

Leo's heart stops beating.

They all turn around slowly, like the dumb doomed teens in a horror movie, to find the Shredder standing at the other end of the corridor. There's a crowd of Foot Bots and Foot soldiers at his back, not that he needs them.

How how how did he--Donnie smacks a hand to his forehead, not caring about the noise anymore. The bomb, it must have set a signal when it was deactivated, of course it fucking did because none of them can catch a break.

"I'm disappointed," Saki says, tracing a claw lightly along one wall as he walks toward them. "If you'd told me they were coming, we could have invited them to this evening's performance. And you put on such a magnificent show."

Raph shoves Leo behind him and steps forward, sai glinting in his hands. "Get the fuck away from us."

Us? Leo frowns, and he thinks Shredder might be doing the same behind his mask.

"I'm in a generous mood," he says, "so I'll let you walk away for now, if you only leave my courtesan behind." Leo knows this is his cue to return to his side so the others can escape, but he can't move, he's shaking too hard--and besides, Mikey is suddenly holding onto him with a bruising death grip.

"He's not your fucking property ," Raph growls. "None of us are." He makes a significant gesture to the back of his neck. "Not anymore."

"You really want him back?" Saki raises a scarred brow. "Do you know how many people he's tortured and killed for me, how many times he's moaned in my arms? Do you have any idea what a vicious little whore he's become in my care?"

"We know that he didn't want any of it," Donnie snarls, raising his bo staff as its tip starts to spark up. "We know you're a sick little control freak who copes with your daddy issues by physically and psychologically torturing people. And we. Don't. Give. A. Shit. About. Anything. Else."

"So let us go," Mikey says, triggering the blades on his kurisgami. "And maybe when we come back to fuck you up, we'll do it quickly." His voice sounds harder and more cold than Leo has ever heard it.

Leo is openly gaping now, because this doesn't make sense. They know and they don't care? They don't care about his ravaged honor...but Splinter told them honor was the most important thing.

Saki seems to be thinking the same thing. "You really think that rat will take him back as he is now? When he reeks of my cock?" He's getting closer to them, and Mikey tugs Leo backward as they back towards the nearest window.

"If Splinter doesn't understand, he can suck our dicks," Donnie says simply. What the fuck? Leo almost falls over at the words.

Shredder, though, seems to take it in stride. "Very well," he says. "If you care so little about your brother's new position, then you won't mind joining him in my court." He presses a button on his wrist band, and Leo's glove lets out a soft whine, followed by a distinctive cha-chunk.

Shit.

Shit shit shit.

Donnie's hands fly to the glove, but Saki crooks a finger. "Ah ah ah, it's designed to go off if it senses any bratty little turtles messing with it."

Another bomb. Another bomb. Leo would almost be impressed by Saki's forethought if his head wasn't filled with a now-familiar scream.

"Run," he begs, hoarse and desperate. "Run, please..."

"No," Raph replies. His voice shakes slightly, but when he glances back his green eyes are bright and fierce. "Never again." And Leo's heart is drowning in so much love and horror that all he can do is let out a broken sob.

"Well, this is all very touching," Saki says. "Now, put down your weapons and belts and get down on your knees."

His brothers hesitate, and Leo silently pleads with them to run, to do the smart thing, the sane thing, to let him protect them the way he was born to do...

But then he hears the heart-stopping clatter of falling weapons and gear as they lower themselves to their knees. They shoot him looks of sorrow, of shame--but no bitterness, even though he's the one who just dragged them into hell.

Soon Leo's the only one standing up, swaying on his feet, panting for air.

"Kappa?" The Shredder crooks a finger, while pointing between his own legs with his free hand. "Why don't you come show my new pets how things work around here?"

And then the world snaps slow again. Leo can see the Shredder's eyes, his triumph, the joy of being chosen by four people instead of just one.

But Leo has already been chosen, and he didn't have to force anyone into doing it. Ruined as he is, bloodstained and broken, they still look at him and see something of worth.

He straightens, looking Shredder dead in the eye for the first time in a long while. "My name," he says, voice ringing through the corridor, "is Leonardo."

Then he grabs a sword from his back and chops off his own arm.

The glove makes a little squeal as the sword blade scratches along its edge, processing the sensation of a bratty little turtle messing with it...but Leo has already landed a mighty kick on his own severed limb, sending it spiraling through the air.

Saki's men scream for him, but he doesn't move, his face going blank with shock and betrayal. And then the glove explodes, sending painful white light into Leo's eyes, but he doesn't look away.

He watches the Shredder's head bloom like a flower, sending bright red petals peels through the air. Exposed facial nerves twitch and fray, burning into nothing before Leo's eyes. Saki lets out a strange, strangled groan that is abruptly cut off as his knees buckle.

"Goodbye, Master," Leo murmurs, as the world goes black.

Chapter Text

Leo wakes up and he's lying in his room, on his bed, and for a moment he doesn't remember why he feels bandages on his tail or why his right arm is killing him. Then he remembers and his surviving fingers twitch, ready to burn the memories away with a knife cut or a nerve pinch.

But before he can do either of those things, he's engulfed in a green blur and Mikey's holding him, shaking with sobs as hot tears splash down on Leo's head. The feeling of arms around him makes Leo's breath catch, but he forces himself to lean into the hug because that's what big brothers do--

"Mikey," Donnie warns. He's at Leo's side now, him and Raph, both standing as close as they can get without actually touching him.

"Sorry, bro," Mikey says, letting go with a sniffle. Leo slumps forward, part of him desperate to be with his family and part of him sick at the thought of being touched, but the conflict is interrupted when he realizes that he needs to ask a very important question:

"Is this real?"

He should be dead, after all, from shock and blood loss. But if he's dead, shouldn't be in hell? But his brothers don't think he deserves to suffer...but they might have been lying just to piss off Saki...but this might all be leading up to a terrible punchline from his family or God or even Shredder himself--

"It's real," Donnie says, squeezing his hand tightly. "You're here, Leo. You're safe. You're free."

"Donnie used that shit you were wearing to bandage your arm, and cater--cauterized it when he got home," Raph explains, wincing at the memory. "We've got the bits of Shredder's skull in Donnie's lab." Leo stares, and Donnie lets out a soft sigh of exasperation.

"Bad guys are really good at surviving explosions," Mikey explains, wiping his nose. "But now we're sure ."

"Leonardo..."

They all turn to see Splinter in the doorway, looking far older and more tired than Leo remembers. Leo claps a hand over his thighs as if that can hide the bruises, as if his master can't smell his dishonor. His brothers cluster in around him, their muscles tense and defensive.

Splinter approaches, his eyes glassy and distant. "Leonardo," he whispers again, cupping Leo's cheek, his palm softer and furrier than Saki's ever was. "Oh, Leonardo." He stares at Leo, drinks him in, and when he speaks next his voice is a sob: "My son..."

Then, to Leo's everlasting shock, his father starts to cry. Big, heaving sobs, his shoulders quaking under the robe. Mikey joins in, fingers sinking into Leo's shoulder in a way that hurts wonderfully. Then Raph and Donnie are crying, their sobs echoing through the room as they both hold onto his hand for dear life. And Leo's crying, too, loud and fierce in a way he hasn't since he has a child.

They cry together for a long time, until they're all coughing and can barely breathe. They cry because so much has been broken beyond repair, because they're all drowning in guilt and shame and self-loathing and terrible pain, because even though Oroku Saki is dead his shadow has been permanently carved into their lives.

But they also cry out of joy, because after everything that's been thrown at them they are still here, together at last, and they will never let each other go again.

"We're in a church?" Leo asks, carefully not looking as Donnie examines his stump.

"Under a church," Donnie corrects. They're alone together; he can hear the others playing video games in what's apparently the main room, a sound so beautifully familiar he wants to cry again.

"And...you have my stuff," Leo's posters decorate the walls once again, including all of his Space Heroes paraphernalia.

"Mikey snuck back into the old Lair and brought a bunch of things back," Donnie explains. "Against orders," he adds with a sniff.

Leo raises an eyebrow. "Against orders, huh?"

Donnie sighs. "Well, Splinter technically made me the interim leader, but it's really more of a semi-anarchic triarchy. Whoever yells the loudest is usually in...in charge."

Leo turns to find his brother sitting very still on the bed beside him, staring into space.

"Donnie?" he asks softly.

"I should have known," his brother whispers, tears trickling down his face. "I should have scanned Raph better, I should have found the bomb weeks earlier, I should have known--"

Leo shakes his head. "It's not your fault--"

"It's yours?" Donnie asks, turning to him. "Let me guess, you've been blaming yourself for everything, haven't you?"

Leo bows his head, because that's pretty much exactly what's going on. His brothers are sad and his family is broken and whenever he looks at his thighs or his scarred wrists he thinks shame, shame, shame. Why shouldn't he hate himself?

"You didn't do anything wrong," he tells Donnie, trying to fix things.

"I didn't?" Donnie lets out a harsh laugh. "That's why you thought we were there to kill you when we rescued  you from that hellhole? Because I'd been doing such a spectacular fucking job?"

Leo looks at the ruin of his arm, because even that is better than having to face his brother. "I expected you to hate me. I served Shredder, I killed people, I hurt you guys, I..." he sucks in a breath. "I lost my honor."

"Honor? What the fuck does honor even mean?" Leo glances up at him in surprise, and Donnie rolls his eyes. "Don't give me that look, Leo. What happened to you, what you had to do for us-- that doesn't make you any less decent or brave. You didn't fuck up in the slightest, and you know what? Even if you had, you wouldn't have deserved what Shredder did."

"I don't feel that way," Leo admits, studying his feet.

"I know," Donnie says. "But it's the truth."

He gets up and goes to get something out of a drawer, returning with Leo's old mask in his hand. Leo stares at it, the beautiful blue color looking so strange after months of red and black.

"Here," Donnie sits behind him, only to suddenly jerk to a stop. "Is this okay?" he asks carefully.

Leo knows that Donnie is asking for permission to touch him. He knows that he should hate being handled like china, and he supposes that part of him does, but...the Foot never treated him so gently. Even Shredder's caresses were just another kind of mockery.

"Okay," he says. Donnie puts the mask on, taking care not to touch Leo's bare skin.

"Will it get better?" Leo asks him after a minute. "Will...will I stop feeling him when you touch me?"

Donnie sighs. "I don't know. I...I've been reading all the stuff I can find on...stuff...like this, but every case is different. Especially yours."

"Yeah," Leo says, resting a finger on his cheek. "Is there anything you can do about...this?"

"Not unless I slice the skin off," Donnie admits. "And if I go too deep I might damage facial nerves...I'm sorry, Leo."

"It's okay," Leo says automatically.

"You don't have to say 'it's okay' if it's not okay."

Leo takes a few seconds to process that, then slowly raises himself to his feet. "Where's the bathroom?" he asks.

He follows Donnie to the bathroom, swaying slightly as he walks. Donnie says that he's a little off-balance for now, but his body will adjust long before he gets a prosthetic. And he will get a prosthetic, Donnie assures him. "I've already started drawing up the designs."

The bathroom door suddenly closes behind him and Leo suddenly realizes that he's alone, for the first time in a very long while. No one listening in on his movements, no one lurking over his shoulder (Donnie assured him that he was very thoroughly scanned for tracking devices while unconscious).

He uses the toilet and washing his hands, relishing it, that aloneness. The notion that his family will let him have his privacy, while still being in reach if he needs them. When he's done he just stands there for a few seconds, taking deep, cleansing breaths. Then he looks into the mirror

And the thing looking back at him is not Hamato Leonardo.

It's a scarred, ruined creature, hollowed out and hardened. There's a red mark on its cheek, the emblem of its master, its owner . There are dark circles under its dead eyes. Its skin is all washed out and dead, more suitable for black than blue.

A demon stands beside the creature, hand tangled in its mask tails, whispering in its ear. You belong to me, he says.

Kappa punches the mirror and starts screaming.

"Shit, hold him down--"

Punching a mirror is childish, cliched, a waste of everyone's time. Why does he want to keep doing it? It makes no sense.

"Leo, look at me, please--"

Blood streams from his knuckles, one more part of his body ruined. Con-gra-tu-fucking-lations.

"You don't have to be sorry for anything, Leo, okay? Just please hold still so I can get these bits out--"

Hands on his arms, hands on his legs. Spread your legs, as wide as they can go, so wide it hurts. Now touch yourself. He slams himself against the tile, tries and fails to make himself stop fighting.

"Fuck, he's panicking, get Splinter--"

Get the Master. Time to be punished. You deserve to be punished.

"Okay, okay, Leo, we won't get Splinter, okay? Sensei? Can you please stay in the main room for a little while longer?"

Why aren't they getting the Master? Doesn't he deserve to be punished?

"No one's punishing you for anything, bro. Just calm down, please?"

Not being punished? Is this a joke? Ha ha hah, we're so clever, only Leo's not laughing. Little Splinter Junior, never laughs at anything, perpetual tightass you're so tight.

"I'm getting a sedative. Keep him away from the glass!"

Impure. Impure. He needs the filth to be carved out of him with fire and acid. He's sure that Donnie's got some in his lab. Can someone get it for him, please?

"No one's burning anyone, all right? Donnie's just getting a--"

He wants it to stop, okay? He wants to hit pause, he wants to get off the ride, he wants to take a leave of absence, okay? Okay?

"Shhh, Fearless, shhh. We've got ya."

There's a shard of glass on the ground. It winks at him temptingly, and now that his family is safe he has no reason not to give in.

"Fuck he's got a--"

Blood and glass snapping in his hand kill him now cub someone screaming Rahzar was hurting a woman and he was told him not to interfere so he didn't a tail binding his wrists put these chains on please fists ripped open relax and enjoy and relax and enjoy

noise noise noise I know you can be louder Kappa sobbing choking on his snot stop sniveling and get on your hands and knees broken fragmented confessions burning his lips as they spill out bend over because you need to be punished close your eyes because you need to be punished hold still because you need to be punished you want to be punished

a needle in his neck again but this once actually works

Fade to black.

He wakes up and he's curled on a couch, watching Space Heroes. Raph is sitting next to him, the top of his head brushing his brother's emerald thigh. Leo blinks sleepily, stretching. "I..." His head is full of fuzzy gray clouds.

"Shhh," Raph murmurs. "This is one of your favorite episodes, isn't it?" Leo glances at the screen and realizes that yes, it is.

"It's one of my favorites, too," Raph says.

Leo blinks up at him. "You hate Space Heroes."

"I pretend to, 'cause it's a stupid kid's cartoon, but that's bullshit," Raph admits. "You never wondered why I was always sitting with ya while you watched it?" Leo blinks, trying to focus on the memories, but they drift away whenever he grabs at them. He knows that he's had a similar feeling before, but he doesn't feel as bad about it this time.

They sit there together, watching the show. Leo reaches out for Raph's hand at a scary part, absentmindedly slipping his fingers under his brother's wrist wrappings. He jerks his hand away with a jolt when his fingers touch something unusually rough, and the wrappings unravel to reveal dark marks on Raph's wrist.

Leo frowns. He has similar marks on his own body, he thinks, but Raph...Raph shouldn't have them. Raph is better than him, more pure. Right? "Why?" he asks.

Raph shrugs, adjusting his wrappings. "You got taken by the Foot 'cause of me," he says. "And I thought...I thought it would have been better if I had died before you had to sacrifice yourself. And then I thought, hey, maybe I could make up for that if I died right now."

He lets out a mirthless chuckle. "Donnie completely lost it, tied me to my bed for a week, made me shit in a pan and everything. He only let me go 'cause he was scared I'd get bedsores."

Leo frowns. "Splinter let him do that?"

Raph sighs. "Splinter was pretty much a lump at that point. It...it got bad for a while." He jerks, as if he's said something he's not supposed to say, then lets out another sigh and shakes his head. "I think...I think he missed you more than he would've missed me."

"Don't say that," Leo replies. "It's not true."

"Maybe not," Raph says. "But it feels true." Leo thinks that he might have said something similar himself, recently, but can't quite put his finger on it.

He scootches just a little closer to Raph, breathing in his familiar scent.

"Donnie threw up when he found the bomb in me," Raph murmurs. "I understood why he was scared, but I didn't...I didn't get why he was crying. And then I realized that the only reason they hadn't blown me to bits yet was because they needed to control you. And that meant there was no brain worm--you'd been awake. For everything. Casey almost crashed the Shellraiser when he figured it out."

Leo doesn't know what to say, so he just lies there. He realizes that his mask is lying on the floor besides the couch, but he doesn't feel like picking it up.

"I told Donnie no anesthesia when he operated on me," Raph says. "I told him I needed to be alert when we went to save you, and I wasn't lying, but...I wanted to suffer, too. Suffer for what I'd allowed to happen. And I think Donnie knew, that he wanted me to suffer."

“Donnie would never hurt you," Leo says firmly, certain of this if nothing else. “And neither do I.”.

"I know you don't. And I don't want you to suffer. But, well...we've never been good at giving each other what we want."

They keep watching in silence.

"I always had a crush on that transmission chick," Raph says after a while.

"I think I had a crush on Captain Ryan," Leo admits.

"It's not your fault," they say when Leo comes down from the drugs. "It's okay to freak out after everything. We're just glad you're okay." Leo just stares at the new scars on his knuckles.

Mikey puts a Princesses of Power poster over the hole where the mirror was, claiming that he's been planning to do that for a while.

Donnie sits Leo down and talks to him about PTSD and trauma and survivor's guilt. Leo tries so hard to listen, to understand, to let Donnie's voice drown out the whispers and screams in the back of his head. He thinks it works, sometimes.

Leo sits cross legged in a square of sunlight as if he's meditating, even though it's been so long since he tried to meditate he barely remembers how.

"Was it always like this?" he asks delicately.

'This' being the church they're living beneath, which looks rather like a tornado hit it. Every pane of glass is shattered, benches have been snapped and thrown around, the cross has been tipped on its side and Christ's face has been reduced to a mess of bloody splinters.

April shakes her head from where she sits besides him. "We took turns smashing it up while you were gone, to cope." She sighs, pointing to the far wall, where a decent-sized chunk of stone has been ripped away by a force greater than the physical. "I did that after we got back from Xiang's, while Donnie was working on Raph. After..."

Casey and April know. Donnie has said sorry over and over for babbling about it, claiming that his battered emotional state at the time was no excuse. They've both been making an effort to treat him normally, although they're both very careful not to touch him.

"Can you make me forget?" Leo asks, before he can think about the question before too long.

"I...I would if I could," April says. "But I don't want to risk leaving you a vegetable, or worse. I'm sorry, Leo."

"Everybody's sorry," he mutters, looking down at his hand.

"Yeah," April says. "We're sorry, but we're also here to fix our fuck-ups. To help." She holds out her hand, and Leo thinks for a second before taking it.

The Shredder never held his hand. That was the one form of intimacy he never tried to parody.

"I can't remember the faces of most of the people I've killed," he says, looking at their joined fingers. "But the first one had blue eyes and a mole." White squeezes green, or maybe green squeezes white. It's hard to tell. "When I cut off his head, I could still see his lips moving."

April doesn't speak, doesn't judge. Leo lies back and lets his head rest on hard wood, staring at the ceiling.

"Saki always made him come to him," he says after a while. "That was one of the worst parts. I could never decide whether I wanted the walk to be longer or shorter." He stiffens. "I...I shouldn't have told you that." How could he burden her with such things?

"No, you should have," April says. "I'm glad you did. You don't have to deal with this alone anymore, Leo. You never will again."

It's a beautiful sentiment, and he wants to believe in it so badly. But...

"I can't go back to what I was," he says. "I don't think I ever will."

"We don't need you to do that," April says. "We just want to help you be who you are now."

And what if you can't handle who I am? he thinks, but does not say.

Whenever he goes to sleep there's someone else in the room, dragging up the air mattress that's mysteriously rolled up under his bed. Raph bitches about the drafts in his rooms, Donnie claims he needs to monitor his patient, Mikey says that he's scared to sleep alone. A few times it's even Splinter, claiming that the Lair reeks of algae for some reason and Leo's room is mysteriously untainted. Leo lets them get away with all their bullshit.

Every night he assures himself that he won't have nightmares or cry in their presence, won't keep giving them reasons to stay with him. Every night, he's proven wrong.

If he's lucky, it'll just be his faceless kills clawing at him. If he's not, it'll be Shredder sneaking into the Lair, whispering you're mine, Kappa. Now, hold still while I remind you of your place. Often his family will be there, watching, participating, or--and this is the worst one--taking Leo's place in the Shredder's bed while he struggles to reach them.

He'll wake up screaming (he can't wake up silently from nightmares anymore, he can't hide his pain anymore) and someone will be there to clutch his hands, to rub his shoulders and whisper you're here, you're safe, it's over. As time passes, Leo will slowly find the strength to pull them into his arms, only to instinctively shove them away when they try to hug back.

"Sorry," he whispers after every nightmare, no matter how many times they tell him not to be sorry. He waits for the day when they give up on him, tell him to stop being a baby and get over his bad dreams, but it never comes.

Three days after the first panic attack comes a second one, when the wooden back of a chair suddenly becomes Saki's hard chest. The others kneel around him as he thrashes on the floor, just out of reach, not daring to touch his skin as they try to talk him back from the edge.

When Leo finally emerges, he finds the microwave smashed to bits on the kitchen floor. Mikey is ecstatic to replace it with the cutesy princess one he's had in his room for a month.

Leo puts on what he thinks is a very good front of being okay before he goes into his room and gives himself a nerve pinch. But then Donnie walks in to check on him after his brother very clearly said he was going to work in the lab, and then he's yelling for Splinter, and then things are just embarrassing.

Splinter cuts off the pain and lets Leo's head rest in his lap while sending Donnie out of the room. He taps the scars next to Leo's eyes, the ones on his wrists. "Not all of these are from Saki, are they?"

Leo doesn't reply, just stares into space and wishes for the pain and humiliation to end.

"I made a mistake," Splinter says, every word coming slow and stiff, as if dragged from him by icy claws. Leo stares, because the only thing stranger than hearing his father cry is hearing him apologize. "I should not have taught you to hurt yourself, to punish yourself. I only wanted to help you protect yourself and your brothers, never considering the kind of harm that might come from within."

More silence. Leo can't believe if his father is really here, apologizing to him for something that Leo never thought needed an apology.

He wonders if this is really happening, and can't bring himself to ask.

Leo spends a lot of time practicing alone, slowly moving his sword around his head. His right arm twitches, throbbing despite the pills Donnie's given him, desperate to follow along.

When the door opens, he instantly snaps to attention. And then he hates himself, because he killed Oroku Saki so why is he still performing like a trained monkey.

He has some sparring sessions with his brothers, but runs the risk of going too far, too fast. Saki gave no quarter, so Leo was expected to give none, and his body still remembers that like it remembers everything else.

Whenever he hurts someone, someone else is always there to keep an eye on him. He's not allowed to escape into self-harm, and occasionally he'll snap with frustration.

"I almost broke Raph's arm, and now you're trying to get me to play video games?!" he snarls to Mikey, once, then jolts with shock at himself. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean--"

"Yeah, you did, not that it matters," Mikey says, already sitting down. "You didn't mean to hurt Raph, and everyone knows it. Now, c'mon, I wanna make you Princess Peach again."

As time passes he gives them little bits and pieces, cruel smatterings of detail, iron weight for them to carry. He can't help himself.

"Don't apologize," Donnie tells him. "Do you know what honor is? This is what honor is, for me. It's an honor to be trusted with this."

He tells them about the gun range, about the girl with purple hair, about the strange fate of Victor the Savate. He talks about the brutal training sessions with Shredder, about dead mice that look like rats and rooms full of poison jars. He tells them about the just humans mantra, about Tiger Claw's torture sessions, about warehouses soaked with blood or engulfed in flames.

They say that he had to do these things, but he occasionally can see the shock flickering across their faces. And where there's shock he knows (he thinks he knows) there's disgust and horror.

He reaches into his head and takes out all the vicious, broken pieces of memory from Shredder's bedchamber. He holds them up to the light, out to his brothers. He tells them what he's remembered about Shredder's games, and what he dreamed, and what straddled the line between reality and nightmare.

(Donnie tests him for various sexual diseases, says he's clean. Leo wants to laugh at the terminology, because he will never be clean again).

He keeps coming back to the orgasms.

"It's sexual stimulation," Donnie says. "You didn't do it on purpose, you had no control, you didn't betray us. If you had, it wouldn't have bothered you nearly as much." He has facts and figures that do battle with the ugly voices in Leo's head, waging an endless war.

"He wanted to be chosen," Leo says. "It wasn't just about ownership, it was about not being alone." He remembers the desperation in Saki's bruising grip, the neediness in his voice. "It...I wish the lines in the sand were clearer, that he didn't get sad."

"Everyone's sad," Raph says, tossing back a beer (Leo is often too tired to pick a fight about Raph's alcohol consumption these days, although he will occasionally rally himself to pour booze down the drain). "He was just fucked up."

"He told me I was beautiful," Leo admits once, after yet another meltdown in the shower. Showers are the worst--he'll know he's alone, he'll keep his back to the wall and everything and then Saki will be standing there, smile on his scarred face. "No one's ever said that before."

"Dude, we're all beautiful, even Raph with good lighting and some Photoshop," Mikey says, drawing up a bath while rifling in a cabinet with his free hand. "We're just so cool we don't have to talk about it. Now, which ducky do you want?"

He doesn't talk about the sex or violence with Splinter--he can't. Instead, he asks questions about the things Saki told him regarding the Hamato family, about the abuse and the dysfunction. Splinter doesn't like talking about his own father's flaws; sometimes he tries to end the conversation quickly, and sometimes he prefers to drag things out, to torture himself.

"He said he didn't mean to," Splinter says, when Leo finally brings up the matter of Saki's first kill. "I believed him. I...I still believe him. I also believe convincing him not to face justice was the worst mistake I ever made."

Leo looks down. There is a small, wicked part of him that hates his father for not ending the Shredder then and there, even though if he had Leo and his brothers would probably not exist. But not existing sounds...tempting, sometimes. It's all very confusing.

In return for telling them his secrets, he makes them tell him some of their own, about what happened while he was gone. "You said it was an honor, right?" he asks when Donnie balks. "Don't I deserve that honor?"

So Donnie agrees, if only Leo will avoid apologizing for anything, cutting himself off mid-sentence whenever he thinks Leo's about to do so. He reiterates the Raph-suicide story, and discusses Splinter being a lump, and the slow destruction of the upper church, and the grueling process of creating an unnecessary brain worm cure.

He talks about Slash's death, how heartbroken Raph was. "But at least he died free," he says quietly. He sniffles. "We...were so scared that it was going to happen to you, or that you'd be damaged permanently."

"I am damaged permanently," Leo admits, not bothering to glance at his stump because he means so much more than that.

"Your soul is hurt, but your physical brain is intact," Donnie says. "And souls are tougher than brains." He holds up a drawing of Leo's prosthetic arm. "How does this look?"

Mikey takes him to see what he calls the "Chum Bucket of Wonders." The bits and pieces of Oroku Saki lie gathered in a bucket, gleaming dully in the lab lights. They've been scrubbed clean of blood and flesh, but they're still recognizably human, and crowned by the shining fragments of a sacred helmet.

"Your finest hour, bro," Mikey chirps, stirring the trophies with a spoon. They clank against each other, and Leo smiles at the sight, the idea of the great Master Shredder reduced to blackened remains in a bucket.

Mikey's smiles too, only for it to suddenly darken into a frown. "I...there was a time when stuff like this would have made me sick."

"Me too," Leo admits, thinking of his first kill.

Mikey hasn't killed anyone, but he's been changed by the long months without his biggest brother, by struggling to hold the family together while Donnie teetered on the edge of a nervous breakdown and Raph drowned in depression and Splinter slowly vanished into his own fur. He's been hardened, and figuring out what happened to Leo--not to mention almost joining him in his hell--hasn't helped matters.

Leo wants to say he's sorry this happened to Mikey, to all of them, but the last time he apologized for anything he had to play three straight hours of Uno. He's trying to keep a lid on the sorries, for sanity's sake.

"I'm glad that he's gone," Mikey says, "but I sometimes feel bad that I'm glad. And I feel bad for feeling bad, because why should I be sorry for him?"

"He was a monster," Leo says quietly. "He deserved everything he got, and a lot worse. Sometimes I have fantasies where I kill him slowly for everything he's done." The words slip out of him, the dark confessions coming easier each time, and he almost resists the urge to glance at Mikey's face just in case it's broken out in repulsion. Almost.

Leo can't touch himself anymore, but he can fantasize about what it would be like to flay the Shredder alive, to break him with blades and fire and his precious poisons. If he's in a very dark mood, he'll think about opening the Shredder's cute little box of sex toys and using them on him.

But... "I feel bad about it, too," he says. "And maybe it doesn't make sense, but I think if we didn't feel bad about it, we'd be just like him." Mikey nods thoughtfully.

He picks up a piece of Shredder's head and runs it through his fingers. "Donnie tests these sometimes, in the middle of the night," Mikey says. "Just to make sure it's still him, that he's still dead." Leo nods, knowing all too well what it's like to doubt if a ghost is really a ghost.

"So we'll only be able to take a few pieces for our sculpture," Mikey explains. Leo raises an eye ridge. "What? If I'm going to grow up edgy and morbid I might as well embrace it..." He turns the piece over in his hand. "What do you think, Chicago Bean or Lady Liberty?"

They make a fairly sloppy Lady Liberty, and Leo keeps it in his room. He breaks it twice over the course of his nightmares, and they always manage to glue it back together.

Leo wishes it was that easy to fix a person. But even if it's not, his family keeps trying anyway.

Chapter Text

Leo won't admit this to anyone, maybe not even himself, but he secretly thought the prosthetic would fix things. A physical healing to represent a psychological healing, right?

Wrong. Three months after he returned home, he's not getting better. He still has flashbacks, still destroys things in a mad panic. He still can't make it through a night without waking up screaming, can't even force himself to wake up silently.

He can't meditate. He tries and tries, but whenever he tries to reach inner peace, to just be with his thoughts, he feels Shredder slinking in.

The bruises on his thighs have long since faded, but sometimes he can still feel hands there.

And whenever he tries to put on his mask, sooner or later he'll feel a hand weaving through the tails. He still wears it for long stretches of time, trying to outlast the feeling, but eventually he always has to rip it off.

"I'm not getting better," he admits, clenching and unclenching his new mechanical fingers.

"Yes, you are," Donnie says, rubbing his eyes. He's exhausted--they all are--after a particularly bad night. "Your physical injuries have healed. You've grown increasingly more comfortable talking about your experiences with us. You don't twitch every single time someone enters the dojo."

"And I still lose my shit," Leo says, casting a significant look at Donnie's bruised face. Leo had punched him last night, after Donnie tried to keep him from falling out of the bed (then he'd cowered back into the sheets, desperately apologizing to Saki's ghost). "I still hurt you guys during training. I still have to take baths instead of showers. I still can't lead."

He's gone out with them a few times, but he's been hesitant, unsure. They learned to work together without him while he was gone, and got used to it while they were taking care of him.

And it doesn't help that Leo will find himself staring into warehouse doors, thinking of screaming carnage. It doesn't help that he'll glance into abandoned rooms and think of screaming men. It doesn't help that he can't avoid the twist of nausea that heading home instinctively triggers in him, because while he was in the Foot going back to base meant trading one nightmare for another.

"I'm hurting you," he says to Donnie. His brother races to assure him he's not, but Leo doesn't believe him because if he was in Donnie's place? The very sight of his ruined brother would have made his heart hurt, filled him with guilt and horror. And these are emotions Donnie doesn't deserve. None of them do.

They should be healing from everything they've been through, but they can't, because they're busy taking care of someone who will never heal.

Leo was worried about his family throwing him away. But now he's worried that they won't have the strength to let him go.

One night, Leo sits up in bed and crosses to his desk. Mikey doesn't move from where he's curled on the floor. When Leo flicks on the lamp and starts writing, he doesn't wake.

The Shredder didn't just teach Leo how to make poisons--he also showed him how to make sedatives. It was easy to offer Mikey a cup of tea after they settled in for the night. He adds an apology to his little brother in the letter, secretly hoping that Mikey will be bitter about it. It'll make everything a lot easier.

He tells his family that he's sorry, but that he doesn't want to be a burden anymore. He thinks that they'll be safer without him, that this is really the best thing for everyone. He promises to return to them when he gets better.

Nothing's forcing him to leave, he assures them. But this way, they won't have to expend so much time and energy being living emotional support crutches for him. They can be a family , not just a collection of amateur therapists. There's no one to rescue him from this time; he'll be okay.

(He doesn't write this, but he's sure they'll all be quietly glad to see him gone. They won't have to try and try anymore).

He fills a pack full of food and water in the kitchen, his movements silent and precise. He dons a cloak, tying a grey band around his head. It's thicker than his old mask; it can't hide his mark, but it can distort its shape, so that the Foot Clan insignia just looks like another scar. It has no tails to pull.

He makes his way out into the sewer tunnels, into the night. He cries as he walks, even as he tells himself he won't be gone forever. He just needs to fix himself.

He returns to Foot headquarters, ducking past the Condemned signage and walking through the dusty halls. No sign of Saki's ninja; the ones who survived the explosion must be gone now, scattered by the death of their master.

He sets himself up in his old room, cleans off in his old shower. He lies on his old bed and when he wakes up screaming, there's no one there to comfort him. That's because they're all safely sleeping at home, he tells himself, which is a good thing.

He goes to the gun range. He spends hours upon hours shooting and cleaning various weapons, trying to erase the memories of Tiger Claw's eyes on him or Saki's eyes on his neck. He looks at the targets and sometimes he sees faces of his loved ones looking back. He shoots, tries to blow them away until his vision is filled with tears and he's firing bullets all over the place.

He goes to the throne room and sits on the throne. He feels silly up there, and wonders if Saki ever felt the same, in the early days. He doubts it.

He stands in the dojo, whirling his swords around the head. He's always waiting for the door to open. He goes for days without cleaning himself, eventually forcing himself into the shower with gritted teeth.

He goes to Saki's bedroom, forces himself to lie on the bed. He has multiple flashbacks, over and over, but he keeps coming back because he can beat this, he knows he can. He smacks himself in the face with his prosthetic and chants "It's over, it's over, it's over," even as his body shakes with remembered fear and pain and pleasure.

Eventually he'll stumble out of the room, gasping, and have to cut or nerve pinch himself as punishment for not just handling this.

He tries to carve the weakness out of himself. He goes for days without eating, exercises until the point of collapse, anything to just change himself. He knows he can cleanse himself of the memories. He knows he can.

Can't he?

"You should end yourself," the Shredder says, sitting on the edge of the bed. It's a dream, and Leo knows it's a dream, but that doesn't keep his hands from shaking. "Your brothers couldn't fix you. You think you can do it on your own?"

"Shut up," Leo mutters.

"Or maybe..." The Shredder leans forward, putting a hand on Leo's thigh. His legs spread against his will, wrapping around the edges of the bed. "...You don't want to be fixed. You don't want to forget. Because you liked it, didn't you? Liked being the unstoppable killer, the special pet, liked being told you were the favorite straight out instead of having the rat just string you along."

"Bullshit," Leo snarls.

"So rude." The Shredder glides closer, a wicked smile on his face. "You'll have to be disciplined." He tangles his fingers in the mask that Leo's suddenly wearing. "Now, relax and enjoy."

" Fuck you," Leo snarls. He lunges forward, trying to fight back. And he loses, the way he does every time.

It takes a long while before he screams himself awake.

He's walking through the walls one day when he feels eyes prickling on his neck. He knows to trust his instincts, and he knows that even if his brothers did come for him, they'd never be so quiet about it. So he whirls and charges the direction of the sensation, sword upraised.

It's a foot ninja, here to pick through the past on a lark. He's fast, but Leo is faster. When the man's on his knees, panting for breath, Leo yanks off his mask and grabs him by the hair. He prepares to slit his throat--and then jerks to a halt.

"Tell them I'll be waiting for them in the throne room," he whispers. He hauls the man to his feet and shoves him away, watches him run down the hall.

After all, nothing cleanses things like a good battle.

Leo's waiting on the throne when the Foot ninja slink into the room, blades glittering in the low light. There are Foot Bots with them, but no sign of any mutants. Fishface, Bebop, Rocksteady, and Stockman never had loyalty ground into them the way Tiger Claw and Rahzar did.

"Get off that throne, whore," one of them snarls. "Get on your knees and we might make this quick."

"I killed your master," Leo reminds them. "You think you can take me?"

"You won't be able to get away with any foul tricks this time," the man says, glowering.

"Really? But Saki loved foul tricks," Leo says. He feels the zombie-ness creep back over him for the first time in a long while, and welcomes it.

"I will not let the honor of my master be mocked by a slutty little--"

"Monster?" Leo finishes. "Tell me, do you think you're the hero of this story?" He leans forward, hands resting delicately on his swords. "The big bad badass, ready to kill the evil beast?"

"You understand nothing, animal," the man hisses, as his archers nock their bows.

Leo lets out a dry chuckle. "There are no heroes in this world, you silly little thing. Only different types of monster, in different skins."

The arrows zip towards him and Leo's already leaping off the throne, blades flashing bright and hungry.

They've had months to hone their skills, no doubt obsessively waiting for the day he would reappear. And Leo is sleep-deprived and half-starved, still struggling to get reacquainted with his new arm. They have plenty of opportunities to hurt him, and let out shouts of joy whenever someone lands a blow.

But Leonardo Hamato is a vicious creature, bloodthirsty and battle-tested. He has been broken a dozen times, in a dozen different ways, and now he's made entirely of sharp edges that know only how to tear and cut.

Every Foot ninja he kills has Saki's face. He laughs at Leo as he dies over and over and over again, his blood soaking Leo's cloak an ugly red. And Leo laughs back, high and insane, in a way that he knows would terrify his brothers if they were here.

A fire starts at one point, a burning arrow goes wrong, and they're all too busy fighting for their lives to put it out. Leo skips and weaves through the burning halls, laughing back the smoke in his throat.

Eventually he's covered in cuts and bruises, his eye is swelling shut and his ribs crackle when they move. He coughs, and blood streams down his chest. These men are hurting him, physically, more than Saki ever did, but mentally they cannot touch him.

Then it's just him and the last man, the leader. The blades clang and swirl as the wounded let out their final screams around them.

"The Master invited you into his clan, into his bed, and you destroyed his life's work," the man snarls.

"I didn't want it, you stupid fuck," Leo grits out. "I didn't want any of it."

"Liar," the man snarls. Leo grits his teeth and knocks him away, preparing to end this...

And then what? Saki whispers, his face flickering over the other man's like a mask. You think a rousing battle scene will fix you? You're as bad as he is. You are no hero, Hamato Leonardo, you're just a victim.

Leo freezes, and then there's a blade entering his stomach. For a nanosecond he thinks maybe I should let it happen ...

But that would mean letting Shredder's legacy win, so he twists away with a howl, slicing the man's head off. He falls, hot blood splashing Leo's face, and Leo falls with him as the flames surround them both.

That's right, says the memory-voice, on your hands and knees .

Shut up shut up , Leo whispers to himself, curling in on his side and clutching his hands over his stomach.

The flames flicker around him, heat baking the back of his shell.

You're broken, whispers the ghost. You can't fix you. They can't fix you.

Everything hurts and the flames are drawing nearer. Leo is tired, so tired. His brothers' faces flicker through his mind, but he assures himself they'll be happier without him.

He closes his eyes and waits for a sleep that will never be disturbed by nightmares.

He waits...

He...

He...

He doesn't want to die.

He doesn't want to die.

The panic shoots through him, an electric shock, and Leo scrambles to his feet. His body is screaming, his shattered heart is weighing him and the ghost is screaming useless ruined filthy in his head, but he doesn't want to die.

There's no logic in it. This is the part of the story where the protagonist either fixes himself or accepts his dramatic death, and Leo has done neither. But he doesn't want to die, he doesn't want to die , and that feeling blossoms into an urge to go home , the loneliness and longing he's hidden from himself burned away by the fire's heat.

Zombie-Leo is gone, at least for now, and Leo finds himself shot full of pure screaming adrenaline.

He staggers through the halls, kicks open in a window and sucks in deep breaths of cold air. His heavy pants drown out the ghost's voice, the blood and smoke on his skin numbs the phantom fingers.

Leo takes a breath and jumps, the glass shards falling away from his bare burning feet as he soars through the air.

He screams in pain when his feet hit the ground and he falls, but then he's hauling himself to his feet, dragging his broken self across the rooftops as blood drips between his fingers because the life of Hamato Leonardo is a fucking ruin but he suddenly understand that he doesn't want to let go of it.

He skitters down cold walls, past dark streets, into the sewers. He staggers through the dark, gasping and moaning as the drip drip drip falls through his fingers. You're dead you're disgraced you'll never ever be what you were

But you are alive, and you're going to stay that way.

He skids into the lair and his family turns to stare at him from where they're gathered around a map on a table, his potential locations marked out in red. One looks at their haunted eyes, their wasted frames, and Leo knows he made a terrible mistake when he left.

"Sorry," Leo croaks. And, because sorrys aren't enough: "It won't happen again."

Then he passes out, but not before he sees them running to catch him.

When he wakes up, everyone takes turns sobbing with him and yelling at him.

"I won't leave again," Leo repeats. "I won't. I promise."

Maybe he's a weight, and maybe he's not. But he's a weight they're grateful to bear, just as Leo is grateful to have his own weights because that means he's alive to bear them.

He tells them what happened, and Mikey gets pictures of the smoking ruins, sticks them on his wall. Combined with the Lady Liberty of bones, they form a perverse, beautiful little shrine.

"Thank you," Leo whispers, pulling Mikey into a hug. His brother doesn't touch him--thankfully--but the feeling of his shoulders pressed into Leo's chest no longer makes his heart skip the way it sometimes did in the past.

His epiphany doesn't magically cure him, of course. But every once in a while, he can go a whole night without a nightmare. Sometimes his brother's hands will brush against his shell, and it doesn't make his breath seize (although sometimes it does, because healing is rarely a straight line). The days where he keeps control during training sessions start to outnumber the days he doesn't.

He's not their leader anymore, and after a while he stops trying. He lets himself be his brothers' equal, their counterpart, someone with the special skills to protect them against all the enemies they'll face in the future. He stops worrying about being perfect, because that's never going to happen, and focuses more on being a brother and a son and a friend. He throws himself back into training and kanji and Space Heroes and getting rid of all of Raph's alcohol.

The wind can be blocked out or burned away by raging fire. But the wind can also escape every trap, wiggle through every crevice. The wind can reach farther, endure for longer, than anyone imagined possible.

Leo still has hours or days or weeks of fear and madness and self-loathing. But his family is always waiting for him on the other side, to fix what they can and replace what they can't. And Leo finally understands that they want to do those things, will always prefer it to the alternative no matter how exhausting it gets.

There comes a time when he's gone a whole week without a panic attack, even though he (probably) wouldn't hate himself if that were to change. He's gathered around the TV with his brothers and his father and April and Casey--and Karai, back from Japan with a literally magical girlfriend and the same determination to survive that Leo sees in himself.

Leo thinks about how they would look, all folded up together. He suspects that an outsider would think there was something different about the turtle with the grey mask, in the way he carefully holds himself, in the way the light occasionally shines on his green metal fingers, in the dark red mark on his cheek.

But that same outsider would also notice how close he is to the others, the way he talks and laughs with them, how comfortable he seems as they play-fight over a movie. It is clear that Leo is not what he was, but it is also clear that his family will love him no matter how he is now, or what he will become.

And that, he thinks, is something truly beautiful.