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Being a new trainee in one of the biggest kpop companies was hard. Especially when it was a group like NCT, where they had already created part of their legacy, where they had already done so much. It was overwhelming at times; Sungchan still couldn’t believe that they had accepted him, and it was surreal to now be regularly seeing his role models only a couple feet away from him.
Somehow, he found a space among such a large group, a little niche that he was just beginning to fit in. Sure, they all warmed up to him and Shotaro since they were new, but even so he was still a little nervous about talking to any of them. All of them wouldn’t hesitate to send him a sweet smile in between breaks or invite them to join in a conversation, but nonetheless it was still a lot to take in.
Besides, Sungchan didn’t share a long time friendship with the others just yet. The others had what felt like centuries of inside jokes and long-since carved out dynamics with each other, and he couldn’t just replicate that in a short time. So, whenever he felt lonely or isolated, Sungchan always found himself turning to Shotaro.
Simply put, he could relate. They both could only watch the others, with a twinge of longing, as they laughed and joked around with ease. They couldn’t slide into everything so seamlessly, so instead they stood by the sidelines during those rare moments. Of course Sungchan would find solace in someone who felt just like him.
Somehow, they were able to carve out a bond of their own.
On the nights when he laid awake at 2 AM, unable to sleep, Shotaro was there. They didn’t even have to talk at this point; sometimes a night would consist of a few online games or lying against each other in the silence. Maybe they’d watch old performance videos, and Sungchan would fanboy over Haechan like he always did. Or they’d talk about how dream-like it felt to be accepted into a group they had both loved for years.
Tonight was not one of those nights. Shotaro hadn’t come into the dorm since he left to film at 7 in the morning, and Sungchan had gotten back too early. His eyes burned as they stared at the clock, the red LED numbers switching from 11:59 PM to 12:00 AM. If he strained his ears, he could hear Haechan’s muffled screaming at a game of League, or Johnny’s infectious laughter following the moments after. No matter how hard he tried, though, the click of a key and the creak of an unlocked door wouldn’t come to him.
Eventually, he let sleep take over, and the covers embraced him in their warmth.
Years, decades, or maybe only an hour later, the rustle of footsteps at the dorm door broke through his dreamless sleep. He didn’t move a muscle, already expecting the manager’s concerned look and not bothering to meet it. The blankets were too warm, anyways.
“Sungchan, are you awake?” a voice asked softly, placing a hand on his back. Instantly a wave of relief washed over Sungchan.
“No,” he said, stifling a laugh as he reached to intertwine his hand with Shotaro’s. “I’m obviously knocked out cold right now.”
“You dork,” Shotaro snickered. The bed groaned slightly as Shotaro sat down next to him.
“Hey, hey! You just got back from filming, didn’t you?”
“I showered, jeez. Did you wanna watch a fancam or are you too tired to move?”
Sungchan considered his options. There was a small chance, that if he worded it right, then...
“Sleep next to me, it’s cold,” he said, tugging at Shotaro’s hand. “We can watch it in the morning since we have an off day.”
“Alright,” Shotaro sighed, crawling on the bed beside him. Sungchan turned to meet his eyes, enveloping him in his giant blanket with glee at how easily the usually nonchalant boy agreed. Shotaro was so small, he fit perfectly underneath his arms. His sweater paws laced around Sungchan’s back, drawing tiny stars in the fabric of Sungchan’s shirt. Cute.
“You liar, it’s warm in here,” Shotaro said, settling into the curve of Sungchan’s body.
Sungchan’s heart crumbled, and he wondered if Shotaro could hear it thumping dangerously loud, if he could feel Sungchan’s pulse rising unexpectedly. He shouldn’t be freaking out over such a small gesture anyways, he told himself as he shut his eyes and sunk into his pillow. Friends normally curled up with each other under the blankets at 1 AM. Right?
Thankfully, he was tired enough that his emotions couldn’t get the best of him. The tendrils of sleep began pulling him under, his hands growing weak on Shotaro’s back...
“I missed you, baby,” Shotaro whispered into the folds of Sungchan’s t-shirt, thinking he was asleep by now.
Sungchan froze, his heartbeat skyrocketing as it became the equivalent of fireworks, the sparks popping into tingles of warmth throughout his body. He called me baby.
________
When the morning comes, Sungchan awakens to Shotaro’s legs entangled with his, and the sunlight framing the edges of his face. With a quiet inhale, Sungchan notices that Shotaro’s fingers are laced with his own. Sungchan reaches out a hand to brush away a stray lock of ash brown hair from the other’s face, free of worry or strain.
He wished he could stay like this forever, with nothing but Shotaro and the sunlight bathing them. Dimly, he wondered when he grew so whipped for the boy. After countless nights and thousands of moments of close proximity, however, it was less a question and more of a reflection, a mere statement settling in the depths of his mind.
Shotaro twitched under him. Grasped his hand tighter for a millisecond. Sungchan didn’t know what made his heart tremble more, a sleeping Shotaro or a freshly awakened one.
“Sungchannie,” Shotaro mumbled, leaning into Sungchan’s chest. “What time is it?”
Too early , his heart begged. Too soon . “It’s morning.”
“Mmph.” Shotaro rubbed his eyes, squinting at Sungchan in sleepy confusion before his distant gaze sharpened, realizing how close his face was to Sungchan’s. “I-I’m sorry.”
He pulled away, averting his eyes to the cuffs of his sweater as he fiddled with his fingers. Already, the cold air swept in and replaced where Shotaro had been, and Sungchan filled with dread. Please don’t go.
“Don’t be,” Sungchan said, sitting up. “You were right, it was cold. I don’t mind being close.”
Shotaro merely turned away, only letting out a small “tch” with a slight smile as he stood up.
His moment of bliss gone, Sungchan had failed to notice one more thing.
The hint of a blush creeping onto Shotaro’s cheeks, face dusted with pink as he had sat up on the bed.
________
Only a few days had passed, but nothing else had happened. Sungchan was afraid he would be desperate at this point, hungry for even the slightest bit of contact with Shotaro beyond their normal nighttime games and fancam indulgences. The taste of that morning and the feeling of Shotaro brushed up against his body felt like a faded memory, or a lucky dream. If only he could have stayed there for a bit longer.
He leaned against a cardboard prop, waiting with a few other members for the music video shooting to resume. Luckily, his thoughts, as longing and yearning as they were, kept him awake, or otherwise he would barely be able to stand. Stifling a yawn, he watched Haechan and Mark bother a tired but grinning Doyoung.
A hand slipped into his, warm to the touch and softer than silk.
“Hey,” Shotaro said, nonchalant as always.
Sungchan bit his tongue, blood pressure rising as he lightly squeezed back. God, he was more delirious than he thought. Every sensation, every slight touch connecting him and Shotaro blew his senses away, and he could barely hold back a grin. He couldn’t survive another week like this, could he?
Throughout the rest of the week, Sungchan grew hyper-aware of Shotaro, noticing how Shotaro would lean into him often or how their arms would always brush when they stood by each other. He noticed how Shotaro was always linked to his hand, almost as if they were inseparable puzzle pieces. And if Sungchan was lucky, Shotaro would hug him from behind and wrap his arms across his waist, even if only for a few seconds.
Then came the smiles, the cheeky laughter. The atmosphere brightened with each of Shotaro’s smiles, a sweet undertone complimenting each one. While Sungchan admitted that he always liked Shotaro’s smile, he couldn’t help but notice how much more he seemed to crack a grin as the days passed. His brain couldn’t handle the ones directed at him at all, though. One look, one short sighting of Shotaro turning towards him and he melted to putty. Pretty smile, pretty face, and a sweet personality were all too much for him.
He considered, and also accepted, that this was all casual. Friends did this all the time, no need to overthink it. He didn’t let himself raise his hopes too high. If this was as much as he could get to satisfy the longing, then so be it.
Yeah, friends did things like this all the time. Friends shared bites of spicy ramen or taiyaki or pork curry, all the while feeling as if it were an indirect kiss. Friends played games while curled up in each other, and friends definitely slept in the same bed with less than an inch separating them.
No matter how hard he tried to delude himself, though, Sungchan knew that friends didn’t wish to kiss the other so often. They didn’t imagine how soft Shotaro’s lips might be, or whether they tasted like peaches, or whether he would smile against Sungchan’s own lips. They didn’t imagine hands snaking around waists, hands gently cupping his jaw, or his hands smoothing Shotaro’s ruffled hair when they finished practice. Somehow, Shotaro never noticed Sungchan’s excessive stares, even when they were strong enough to burn holes through steel and put dents in planets. Sungchan wouldn’t know how to feel if Shotaro actually noticed, though, so he was secretly grateful that he was able to ogle over the other.
All of this, because Shotaro had called him ‘baby’ once. Sungchan was weak, but if being weak meant he suddenly noticed every perfect little thing about Shotaro, then he was okay with it.
________
“Sungchan, are you okay?” Mark prodded Sungchan’s shoulder, making the latter jump in shock. “You’ve been staring, um, for a while.”
“Hm?” Sungchan said, eyes still following Shotaro’s small figure.
“You’ve been staring at Shotaro like you want to strangle him or something.”
So someone had finally caught on. Thankfully not Shotaro.
“Um, no, I just…” Sungchan trailed off, unable to meet Mark’s eyes. “Just thinking.”
“About him?” Mark said, but there was no mischief in his voice.
“Maybe.”
“Oh, no wonder you’re always looking at him!” (Sungchan winced. Did everyone know but Shotaro?) “I never knew what to call your stare, the words were on the tip of my tongue, but now..” Mark trailed off.
“Now?”
Mark continued. “Your stare is kinda lovestruck, don’t you think? How long have you been pining after him?”
“Recently,” Sungchan mumbled. No point in lying to Mark, of all people. “It’s just from time to time.”
“No, it’s not, I know that look. Are you ever gonna talk to him about it?”
Sungchan stayed silent. Would he? Would it even be worth it?
“Whatever. I’ll let it drop, but...” Mark hesitated, eyes shifting. “Nevermind. I’ll leave you to it.”
As Mark walked away, Sungchan swore he heard him mutter something about “pining” and “idiots”. But he put the memory away, continuing to watch Shotaro, who was now laughing with Renjun over who knows what.
________
The orange-yellow glow of the late afternoon sun shined through the windows, painting their dorm with reddish hues. Sungchan sat at his desk, a fancam playing out on his phone but his eyes too glazed over to watch. He gazed at the setting sun, fingers tapping out “Make a Wish” absentmindedly.
He had made up his mind to go see the dreamies when the door creaked, and someone flopped on their bed with a sigh of relief. There lay Shotaro, arms outstretched and eyes closed, phone dangling by one hand.
Sungchan didn’t move a muscle, debating. He could lay down next to him; the two were used to it by now. But Mark’s remarks from earlier made him flush, a confirmation of what he tried so hard to ignore. He couldn’t go there, not when his heart raced and his mind was past saving, not when he didn’t know what he’d do. There were too many mistakes to be made, too many possibilities where he ruined the friendship he had.
“Sungchan, come lie down with me,” Shotaro whined, turning his head towards Sungchan’s seat. “I wanna watch a fancam too, but I don’t wanna move.”
Shit. No way out. “Okay,” he said, voice barely above a whisper. His footsteps felt like earthquakes against the wooden floors, hands trembling with the phone and lips pursed in restraint. Sungchan sunk into the mattress, back leaning against the wall. “Sit up, I’m not gonna hold the phone up only for it to fall in our faces.”
Shotaro groaned dramatically, but he still hoisted himself up, head resting in the crook of Sungchan’s neck. The tips of Shotaro’s hair tickled his cheek, and Sungchan fought the urge to pet him.
“I’ll hold it, then,” Shotaro said. He took the phone from Sungchan’s hands, crawling into Sungchan’s lap with a small smirk.
“Uh, wrong way, dummy,” Sungchan said. He fought a smile from creeping onto his face. “Your legs aren’t supposed to wrap around my waist. How am I supposed to see Haechan when the phone is behind my back?”
“You’ll see me instead,” Shotaro leaned in, one eyebrow cocked. Their foreheads were almost touching, Sungchan noted, and if one of them leaned in any further, then..
“Shotaro?” Sungchan said hoarsely. The fireworks in his mind were setting off and exploding once more.
“I hope you know that I catch you staring all the time,” Shotaro said, lips brushing against Sungchan’s like a feather before catching them fully.
The fireworks burst, sparks flying, and Sungchan’s mind was nothing but a dim haze. He could feel Shotaro’s hands resting on his jaw, pulling him in gently. The longing he had suppressed arose in his heart, and he kissed back a little harder. A blush spread on his cheeks, heat surging through his body, and he grew dizzy. Sungchan decided he was wrong; Shotaro tasted like vanilla.
Shotaro broke away for a second, breath warm and sweet against Sungchan’s lips. This time, Sungchan spotted the baby pink that covered Shotaro’s cheeks, and he grinned.
“I’ve been waiting to do that,” Shotaro said.
“Don’t stop,” Sungchan whispered, pulling Shotaro back in.
________
Somehow, they ended up lying on top of each other, with blankets draped around their bodies as the fading evening light made them silhouettes. Sungchan rested a hand in Shotaro’s hair, replaying the events of a few hours ago in his mind.
“What did I look like, gaping at you like an idiot?” he mused, his other hand playing with Shotaro’s fingers.
“Pretty dumb,” Shotaro laughed into his shirt, “but it was cute. Like a heartbroken puppy.”
“I never was heartbroken,” he said. “I hadn’t given you a chance yet.”
“Yeah, so I took it for myself. What would you do without me?”
Sungchan mulled over the question, considering his own trainwreck of feelings over the past few weeks. To imagine debuting without Shotaro was a completely alternate universe, and he was glad he wasn’t in it.
“Then I’d be heartbroken. But since I’m not, does that mean you’re going to keep calling me baby?”
“You heard that?” Shotaro twisted to look at Sungchan. “I was so sure you were asleep back then!”
“No, I- I liked it. I don’t mind it, I mean,” Sungchan said quickly, meeting Shotaro’s eyes.
“Oh.” Shotaro’s voice was small, and Sungchan squeezed him with both arms into a hug, both of them muffling their laughs in the blankets.
“I’m glad you did, then,” Shotaro breathed, pressing a light kiss to Sungchan’s hand.