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here’s what some people usually say about jeongguk. people openly said how jeongguk was too shy, too careful, even calling him a prude or weird. the boy didn't bother, or at least, tried to wear a mask of indifference when he heard the comments addressed to him. he knew it would not do him any good to absorb such opinions from others, since he learned from his parents that the way he saw himself was the most important
what's wrong with not going after frivolous and fleeting relationships like the ones his friends told him to chase after at nightfall? even more now that he had just ended a relationship a few months ago 一 five 一 and didn’t want to entertain the idea that was already in his thoughts. he wanted and needed some time without compromise in equal measure, and was pulling up the effort to keep things this way for as long as he could
and what's wrong with enjoying the comfort of your room instead of the turmoil outside and overwhelming his senses? crowded places were never his favorites and it was counterproductive to put himself in those environment so he could prove a point 一 though he's not sure what point would it be
so jeongguk was satisfied with the way he lived. this was what he repeated as a mantra in his mind: that everything was fine and he was happy with himself. repeat, repeat and repeat, until it becomes true
oh, he wished things could be easy on days like this
repeat a few words like a magical spell and that's it, problem solved. but there are days when the words spoken by people, who never even bothered to really know him, hit him harder than a knife stuck in his chest. days when needles seem to stick his skin constantly and he feels his ears plugged, as if cotton balls are occupying the inner space and muffling every sound. days that he would just like to cease to exist for a while and forget that there are other people besides him in this world
however, unfortunately, jeongguk is not a person who can spend a lot of time away from other human beings. his need for someone else's contact is his achilles heel and he has himself to blame for it. it's safe to say that he hasn't changed at all since he was a kid in that respect, always wanting someone else's touch and closeness, and sometimes that gives him the terrible sense of immaturity and dependency
but mayhaps what hurts him most is his own self-sabotage, the state almost interrupted of fear when he gets too close to someone, always expecting the worst, the inevitable departure from his life - wasn’t namjoon the same? he also left at some point, regardless of how much the other said there was no one to blame for their ending and how much jeongguk wants to believe that. still, this dreadful feeling builds barriers and makes turbulent oceans flood his being, tearing down all the bridges that could take him somewhere
on such days, he tries to remember his parents. his loving parents who, like all responsible parents and who care about their children, warned him that not everyone would understand him, be it his personality. who also said words of courage and support along the way until he moved out from their house and decided to spread his wings. said that in his journey he would find those who would actually remain by his side. it was a matter of time they said
however, until that day arrives, jeongguk feels as if only he himself can comfort him
one of those days went like this
the day started okay, he risks to say it was walking towards an incredibly positive one. he had to attend the company’s christmas party 一 remember jeongguk doesn’t like crowded places? well, when it comes to work it is harder to run from them. even if the environment could be adverse to his overall mental state, there was something that prevented it from happening, at least for some time. he saw namjoon there, of course he did, since they worked in the same place, though in different departments 一 and jeongguk used this as an excuse to avoid the man he used to call “love”
they moved to a more secluded area and he managed to have a civilized conversation with his ex after a lot of deliberation on jeongguk’s part. whereas they both talked about superficial topics in the beginning, they gradually ventured in the some deeper layers here and there, the disruption of their relationship for example, and instead of heated words or salty tears as he feared and expected, they stayed level-headed during the whole thing
it was refreshing and jeongguk was proud of himself to say the least, especially seeing that they might have a future together, though not as a couple anymore. but that confident vibe soon vanished once he went back to “mingle” with those from his daily working life. the usual and worn out comments were there again and sometimes, just sometimes, jeongguk wished he had the nerve to say a few words back. but alas, things are never that simple and insecurity attacks again
he walked back home with the snow falling down on him, a sour and bitter taste in his tongue making his stomach flip unpleasantly with growing nausea as he drags his legs and forces his head to stay uptight. he kept looking to every glass surface he encountered, hoping to get home sooner and finally be with him
and it is on one of these days, just wanting to disappear from this dimension, that jeongguk goes back to the apartment he shares with his roommate for two months, yoongi, and goes straight to his bedroom. locking the door and ignoring all the other things in his room, jeongguk walks until he faces the big mirror against the wall, placed near the table where the computer is also located
he already “knows” the mechanisms for this “magic” to work. what he needs to do, or rather think about, so that he is no longer the only person in the room. the first time it happened, it was on one these days, a lonely day when he felt truly alone and no matter how many times he said he didn’t want anyone, that’s exactly what he longed for. and as if sensing his distress, his other self appeared to watch over him
he's identical to him, same hair color, same face, same body. but the energy he exudes is entirely different. his other self is perceptively more confident, introvert all the same, though something there was unique and belonged to this other jeongguk only. and that something enraptured him since the first time he saw him. like any other person would react, jeongguk was scared at first. seeing his reflection putting his hand flat on the mirror from the inside made a bundle of knots grip his organs, the sensation getting worse when he realized his other self was getting out of the smooth superfice. but, to jeongguk surprise and glee, from that day onward, he’s been rewarded with the most ultimate care and love from… himself. a version of him to be precise
during his whole life, jeongguk never thought about the possibility of other dimensions or different realities, but this other jeongguk proved him of the opposite. a world draws a breath beyond the mirror and he doesn’t know much about it yet, but he’s eager to explore. he also isn't sure if he might really have something… magical about him, that may have something to do with the fact that he found some kind of portal to another world, but while he doesn't have all the answers, he'll just believe what his eyes see and his other self says
he looks at the object until the view of himself in the clear reflection is blurred. he feels his head cloud over and a familiar shiver runs down his spine, the lump on his throat is there, but he can feel it getting smaller at the prospect of what’s about to come. he closes his eyes, although the desire to observe the exact moment when the other sets foot in this world is enormous. it doesn't take long for jeongguk to do this and when his eyes adjust again he is graced by the vision so flaring and identical to his, but so different
jeongguk feels tears prick the waterline in his eyes, releasing a shaky breath as he says “hyung-”
“hyung”, the other jeongguk takes long strides towards him without anything else to be said, wrapping him in his arms and stroking his hair, while murmuring words that only jeongguk can hear. the two remain like that for a few minutes, jeongguk basking in the heat already known and that never fails to push away everything that puts him down, even for a limited time and only between the four walls of this room
when the other jeongguk moves away slightly, jeongguk lets out an indignant low whimper, wanting to endure the sweet and cozy embrace offered by his other self. the other jeongguk gives a small laugh at his attitude, gently wiping away the tears that still run down his cheekbones, his fingertips caressing the soft skin and staying for a second longer on the twin scar he has on his cheek
“i'm here, jeonggukie” he says, a sincere smile playing on his lips, which leaves no choice for jeongguk other than to mirror the action, soon letting a smile appear on his face, albeit melancholic
“i... i'm not feeling well today, hyung”
“i know, jeonggukie. come here” the “hyung” guides jeongguk to the bed, so the two can sit comfortably on the sheets
in the blink of an eye, jeongguk returns to his former position, entangling himself in the arms of his other self and inhaling the delicate aroma of his. his other self gently lays them both down on the mattress and like this, jeongguk relates the reason why he so desperately called out for his “hyung”. more tears fall down his face, sobs making his body shudder and the other jeongguk only listen in silence, fingers always softly touching, eyes forever tender
“i know- i know i’m not what my mind tells me sometimes, nor what others believe that i am” jeongguk says between some hiccups “but it’s just so- hard somethings” he sighs, tired, a huge weight crushing down his bones, causing his body to collapse into itself and only the present contact of his hyung subsides the heavy feeling a little “it’s so hard to just… not let those things take over” he finishes for the time being and shuts his eyes forcibly, crying harder and burying his face in the other jeongguk’s chest
the other jeongguk hugs him tightly, again, offering his presence and pressing his lips on top of jeongguk's head as a source of comfort, knowing now is probably not the time to come up with words. after what feels like hours 一 perhaps it’s been hours 一 jeongguk cries decrease and his breathing is no longer mismatched. he lifts his head and tries a tiny smile at his other, being corresponded immediately
“better?”
“yes” jeongguk answers, voice rough from all the crying “i’m sorry for calling you here for… this” he wants to avoid the other’s gaze, but can’t bring himself to, so he just resumes his speech instead “it’s been a while since we last seen each other and i call you to talk about my problems”
the “hyung” shakes his head “jeonggukie, i got to see you and that’s never a reason for me to be upset or for you to apologize for” then he moves closer, hot puffs of air fanning jeongguk’s face and the latter’s lips quiver in anticipation “i love being with you. always” a kiss is planted on his lips, the sweetness of the other’s flavour flaring his body with a soft warmth
this is nothing out of the ordinary between them and is in fact something jeongguk craves like dried flowers beg for water. he sighs happily into the kiss and when they break apart jeongguk chases those pair of lips one more time, mouth opening and making the kiss deeper. jeongguk laps his tongue over the other's teeth, licking the inside of the hot and inviting cavity, though the action so far is not rushed
they share more kisses, jeongguk now laying on top of the other jeongguk and eating the soft noises slipping past the other’s lips, pleasure slowly increasing from within. it didn’t take long for jeongguk to completely forget the recent bad memories from that day and replace it with thoughts of relinquishing to his body urges
but once more, the other jeongguk distances himself, making jeongguk whine louder at the lost touch “tell me about the good parts of your day first, jeonggukie. i know you had some” his other self knowingly affirms with a smirk on the side of his mouth
jeongguk huffs, but changes his position again and sits on the bed by his other self side, their backs resting on the wall “well… i had this talk with namjoon-hyung. remember him?”
“of course i do. you cried so much because of him when you broke up” the other jeongguk comments as he places his hand on top of jeongguk’s, thumb pressing lightly on the skin
jeongguk sneers at what the other said “ah, yeah, that. but… i think we’re fine now actually”
“this is really good. i’m glad you guys are understanding one another” the other jeongguk says in a careful tone “but i admit i’m still wary about this. not because he’s a bad person, but because I don't want you to be sad again” he honestly says
jeongguk inhales through his nose and releases it a tad bit loud, not really upset by the other’s words, but feeling like his attitude contributed to how things turned out between namjoon and him, and he took so long to take the first step “you’re right, he’s not a bad person. i was unfair to him in a lot of instances and… well, the fact i had such a hard time opening up to him about certain things did help to lead to the state we were before this conversation. i think we can still talk more about some stuff, but i’ll take it slow”
he turns his head to the side, searching for his other’s reassurance and the other’s gaze is already on his. jeongguk smiles and leans in closer to steal another kiss, easily falling in the same routine he established for the past months, since he found the other
but it seems the universe is out to interrupt them today
jeongguk hears the distant sound of the front door opening followed by another acquainted voice calling him. yoongi is home, coming from a company party as well if jeongguk memory doesn’t fail him. as much as he enjoys yoongi presence and their forging friendship 一 ignoring the flutter in his chest when they’re too close 一 he could definitely use some sexual relief for the time being. but jeongguk can’t get everything he wants, it seems. guess he’ll have to save that for another time
“hgh, sorry about that” he says with a pout, though he can see the other jeongguk is not that disappointed. jeongguk is a bit offended “you don’t seem fazed by it”
the other jeongguk shrugs with a smirk “wasn’t really expecting a lot today and unlike you, i didn’t forget yoongi-ssi would be home” he winks and gets up from the bed, walking in the mirror’s direction “i can make up for it tomorrow if you want, before he gets here” he proposes while one of his legs goes inside the mirror and he prepares to leave jeongguk one more time
jeongguk watches as his body gradually becomes one with the object, heart squeezing tight inside is ribcage. the other jeongguk leaves his head on the outside to say a few last words for now, until they can see each other again “good night, jeongguk. i hope you dream of me. i’ll make sure to have you on mine”
jeongguk smiles, how could he not?
“yes, hyung. i always dream of you”
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