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I remember, the day when I said I’m not afraid to die. I mean, I’m doing one of the most dangerous sports in the world that enforces me to be fast and rush to that finish line. The crashes or injuries are the risk to this forsaken occupation.
I’m not afraid of them. I’m dauntless to everything that gets in my way. It’s all or nothing.
Except for one thing, that recoiled me to the core.
The thought of separation.
With Romain.
I didn’t know I loved him so much.
-oOo-
It was around the time where the news came out fresh out of the oven. Haas announced that Romain and me would not be racing for the team in 2021. Gunther and Gene finally has come to a conclusion.
The day where both drivers were all called for an appointment with the team principal, individually. Romain had his turn first while I was waiting at the bench nearby his room. I bit my lip in anxiety, absolutely baffled at the announcement. It’s partly unfair for me when all I do was out-qualifying Romain for as long as I remember. I performed better than him why wouldn’t they retained me as their driver?
When Romain came out of Gunther’s office I quickly walked past him and into the room, trying to have my way and talking it out. All my objectives and reasons were rejected and that Gunther just had his head shook at me most of the time. He apologised and shrugged his shoulders for the last time before he dismissed me out only to be encountered again by the concerned face of this French guy that supposed to be my teammate. I don’t see him like that as much.
“Kevin? You’re okay?”
Absentmindedly, I took his hand and hurried through the corridor into the dark corner where everyone hardly passing by.
“Did Gunther said something bad to you? There’s a lot for us to take in the moment I’m sure for you as—“
His words stopped as a sound of my hand hitting his cheek echoed around the corner. I gritted my teeth in anger and grabbed him by the collar.
“You talk too much, Romain. You talk just as much as you crash! Look what you’ve done to me! To my career! Why’d you dragging me in to your problem?! If there’s one to be fired from the job it’s you and not me!”
I felt my blood boiling and my face would’ve been all red by now. Whilst Romain could only keep his eyes tightly shut.
“I’m so sorry, Kevin...” He said as he held onto my palms that still grabbing his collar. The touch that sent jolts to every nerves in my body, made me let go of him almost instantly.
I took some steps back from him, that touch reminded me of something in a blur. A memory that I couldn’t quite recall. My head suddenly hurt when fragments of it came across my mind. Before he could do anything else or get any closer to me I turned my back at him and tried to run as fast as I could, back to my motorhome. I guess I need new prescription since everything has just became too much to handle now.
Or maybe I should just let it be since I wouldn’t be racing for this team in the near future.
Nobody would care anyway, not when this team can’t get any nearer to the current winning team.
-oOo-
Since the actual amount of race had to be reduced because of the pandemic that’s going on, it also gave me an even concrete reason to distancing myself further from Romain. The media duties was done with us being in a designated range and I was quite comfortable about it. Although I was forced to glanced rapidly to where Romain was when the journos asked me about him, then I’d answer to them in matter of factly so the session would end immediately.
This one wasn’t any different than the other. When the interviewer has done with the drivers I had to rushed back to into the garage because I should ask something more about the brief that I haven’t quite comprehend.
I thought that I paced in the right way to my garage, but I was stumbled onto someone. While getting ready to brace the impact that is falling to the ground, a pair of arms guarded my back instead.
“Kevin, watch where you’re going mate.”
My eyes that were closed shut had to be open abruptly at the familiar voice. I had no choice but to pushed him away then averted my eyes to anywhere but his gaze. I slightly sighed in relief because the crews were too busy to care of what just happened now.
“Get out of my way, Romain.”
Why is he always on my way?
I wish that he would just leave me alone.
-oOo-
I wish... I wish I could just maybe live another life.
A life where I wasn’t a F1 driver...
My life won’t always be in danger, not in the verge of dreadfulness.
“You’re drunk. That’s the alcohol talking.”
That voice again? Ah, I swear to God wherever I go this voice just haunting me down to my grave.
“Let me help you up. You’ve had enough for today.”
Shut the fuck up! And let me go! Stop touching me!
What is it with your touch that sends goosebumps all over me? It’s so hard to resist! I don’t want to feel this way!
“Kevin, just let me get you back safely to your room. It is late at night so please try as much as possible to be quiet!”
The next thing I knew, I showed him how to be quiet. I did punch him really hard.
I guessed he punched me back because my lips were swollen when I look at the mirror.
-oOo-
Red flag does happened at the most unexpected time when racing.
“Okay, so Romain had an incident but he is out of the car and he’s safe. Okay there’s a fire near the car, but he’s out of the car and safe.”
This time, with the least expected of a person who got involved in it.
“Shit, is he...”
Romain... that Frenchman...
“Is he okay?”
My teammate...
“Yep he’s out of the car, he’s out of the car and safe. They’re putting out the fire but Romain is out of the car and safe. There’s no one in trouble, okay?”
I drove slowly as the other cars back to the pit and I walked into the garage, subconsciously aware of my trembling hands as I opened my helmet.
How startled I was to noticed the wet patch on my balaclava when I took it off my head.
Did I just... cry over him?
-oOo-
The morning after, I still couldn’t digest of what happened last night. Gunther called me into his room in the morning, casually telling me that he was about to go to the hospital where Romain was getting treatment for his wounds and whether I would give him company.
I shook my head almost in an instant, I couldn’t bear to see Romain in that state. Not after some bad attitudes - lots of it - that I did towards him. Gunther gave me a pat on my shoulder and nodded understandingly, then he asked me to pray for Romain. Wishing him to have a speedy recovery.
He didn’t know I actually prayed for myself to be in Romain’s shoes instead.
-oOo-
Abu Dhabi was usually the place where we would end the season, but for this season it was going to be the end for me of being a F1 driver.
Not finishing at the top, but I’m grateful that everything went well despite that one DNF from Checo. Since it was my last race with the team, why not leaving some donuts to be remembered there?
The last day is usually the most emotional one because had to parted ways for awhile before meeting each other again for pre season. Unfortunately, that routine won’t happen next year.
When the crews have been cleaning and tidying up everything, some of them went home early but I decided to stayed a bit longer to drink in the view that I would surely missed.
Not that long before the last race, Romain did came back to the paddock and greeted everyone. I saw him bringing something in front of me, a signed helmet. Undoubtedly, I’ve prepared the same thing with my own signature to be given to him.
“Cheers, my friend. What an unforgettable experience we’ve had together for the past years. I’ll keep this helmet of yours dearly.” He smiled while looking at it fondly.
“I’ll keep yours as safe as possible too, Romain.” I replied before putting the helmet on the table.
“Can I have a word or two with you before you leave?” I asked without even thought of saying those words in the first place. I was thinking out loud again, damn it...
“Oh, sure thing!” Romain grinned.
I didn’t know what got into me because I took his wrist carefully and took him to the farthest spot that people would not reach as much as possible.
“I wanted to ask you something...” I couldn’t bring myself to look at him in the eye...
“Go on, I’m listening.”
Romain sounded so encouraging now. I better keep this simple and short because I don’t want him to miss his flight back to Switzerland.
I took a deep breath as I tried to put the right words to say in my mind before I voiced it out. I shut my eyes closed.
“Do you know what exactly happened that night, when I was drunk? Because I thought I made you quiet with my punch...”
He hummed at first as to think back to that day I mentioned, only to snorted the next second.
“Ah yeah, that was a harsh punch you did to me. It was hurt.”
I bit my lip and peeked at him. He looked hurt, just as what I thought.
“R-Romain, I know I’ve been a jerk so many times to you. I’ve blamed you for everything. I wanted to apologise to you, for my mistakes in the past and since we’re not gonna be teammates anymore let’s finish all of these with only good memories.”
Romain somehow tilted my chin up to look at him. I’ve never realised how beautiful his eyes were.
“I’ve forgiven you a long time ago. Don’t worry. You might want to know the truth about that night when you were drunk, though?” He smirked.
I’ve never seen him smirked at me.
“W-what is it? Did you losing your teeth? Your jaw got dislocated because of my punch?” I tried to think any of the worst scenarios that were possible.
“It’s worst than that, because you punched me like this.”
I could only feel both Romain’s casted palms cupping my cheeks and leaned in to my face. When I felt something soft on me, my head hurt again and all those fragments in my head became a thread of film instead. I remembered what I did.
I kissed my own teammate.
On the lips.
My eyes fluttered close as I gave into the touch. The touch that sent jolts to every nerves in my body. After a while, Romain finally pulled back.
“That’s what you did, more or less. It was a bit harder the first time. You were so aggressive, didn’t know what get you so angry. The last thing I checked before you get into your room was—“
“My lips were swollen...”
“And so were mine.”
I covered my face with my palms. It was embarrassing, the things you did when you were intoxicated.
“Did you regret it?”
“No! N-not at all, not now when I think about it... the thing that we do when we were was drunk was the actual thing we would do in full consciousness but got no balls to...”
I was engulfed in a warm embrace of Romain right after I said those words earlier.
“I didn’t know I loved you so much...”
“No kidding, I loved you just as much... and I will always do.”
-oOo-
I'm gonna love you till the end
I'm gonna be your very true friend
I wanna share your ups and downs
I'm gonna be around