Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

I sat in my car, a 1990 BMW E30 white convertible and festered in both eagerness and nervousness. I couldn’t believe I’d soon be able to touch him. I’d been here for hours waiting for him to finally be released. It was now 9:45pm. I’d had almost all day to think, over think and plan out my first face to face interaction with him. My heart fluttering, stomach flipping and adrenaline surging every time I thought about it.

I’d got the call early this morning, told to be here for his release at 3pm, I arrived at 2:30pm. I’d been here before though, about a month ago. I’d arrived, reached the desk, eagerly told them why I was there, only to be met with a stern face and the news that he wouldn’t be released that day. Delivered in the most matter-of-fact manner, no apology, no compassion. They were considering his other crimes and whether his served time covered these offences. Understandably I was furious, I’m sure not as furious as Austin, and I had no way of speaking to him, he’d got rid of his phone a while ago, back when he was first told he’d be released; he didn’t want to take any chances. We’d spoken a couple of times during his allotted pay phone time. I didn’t like the police, prisons terrified me. It took me all me courage to walk in that door that day.

Today, I arrived at the desk, my throat closing up and my palms cold but sweaty, gave them my details, filled out forms and sat and waited. They place wreaked of disappointment and dread. Why were they looking at me so often? The desk staff and the wardens - what did they know? Was it something about me? I felt my chest tighten as I was beginning to have a panic attack.
“I’ll wait outside” I stated to the desk staff as I felt as though I was fighting for air. My subconscious was screaming at me “Avoid the police. Don’t draw attention to yourself”. I got out and finally I could breathe. 

While I sat in my car I looked at all the missed calls on my phone; four from my therapist, six from my father. He never rang. “Man, he’s must be raging!” I thought to myself, slightly basking in the thought before become a little burdened with the thought of having to tell him where I’ve been. They must have told him I hadn’t turned up for my appointment. I left a message, “I don’t get why they’re so worried really,” I said to myself. “It’s not like I’m going to do anything wreckless,” I thought about the things I’d done, “again”.

I check my voicemail. Three new voice messages. “Hello it’s Dr. Cargle. I understand you couldn’t make it to the appointment today. I hope everything is okay, please phone me when you can.”
Message 2 “Hello again. Please do get in touch, as I’m sure you are aware you are making excellent progress, to miss a hypnotherapy session now could be detrimental to your recovery.”
Message 3 “I’m sending you an email with a voice recording of today’s session. It’s crucial that you listen today”.
I open my email, there it is. I press play “Listen to this message when you are sat or lying in a safe place. Close your eyes... breathe in... and out... go deeper...” I locked my phone. “Not now,”I promised, “another day”. No messages from dad. Just frantic calls - here comes another. I put my phone face down fearing he can somehow see me through my lock screen. I wouldn’t put it past him.

I hadn’t told either of them about Austin, about why I couldn’t make the appointment. My therapist, Dr. Cargle, works at my father’s practice. They’re both psychologist and hypnotherapists. No one knows more about me than Dr. Cargle, they constantly remind me, closely followed by my dad, not even me. I hate when they tell me that. I don’t think they really know me at all. My dad had insisted Dr. Cargle should be my therapist, he’s the only person he trusts with such a sensitive case, beside himself of course, but no one needs their father as their therapist, despite how threadbare their relationship may be. They’re so protective and overly concerned about my recovery, a little too much sometimes, overbearing. They always have something to say about the places I fo or who I’ve spoken to that day. Sometime I feel I just need space, sleep and to scream things from the roof tops. Maybe that’s why I’m out here right now, waiting to pick up a released former death row inmate, whom I’ve never actually met. When I think of it like that even I’ll admit it sounds like I could do with a few more sessions.

I’d been alone for a while, not lonely, I like being alone. I don’t like getting too deep into things. I’d been using this dating app to meet people. A rare fact about myself if chosen no to share with Dr. Cargle, I don’t doubt they’d be against it. I’d never been on the hunt for anything deep and meaningful. The more superficial and brief the encounter, the better. As long as we could avoid talking about my past we’d be fine. When I came across Austin, he instantly captured my attention and intrigue. The look in his eyes drew me in. There was something about them. Familiarity perhaps? He seemed pained by something. Me too. He was also incomprehensiblly beautiful, flawless, almost. He stood in orange overalls infront of barbed wire fence, which felt like a safety net, relatable perhaps - someone else with a troubled past, but certainly the thought of incarceration was a major bonus - an l obstacle that would stop him getting to close, perfect! As we began talking, he was insufferable to the point of being rude. But he intrigued me. Someone who was as closed as I was. It felt almost like a game, the prize was getting to know him. He made me work for it. Then he told me: he was on death row for a crime he didn’t commit. Accused of murdering his father, waking up with a gun in his hand at the scene of the crime. He knew who’d done it. His brother had been there, he’d shot their father. This was it!! I wanted to help him, there was no doubt! He needed a chance to prove his innocence, and another chance at life. This could be a chance for me too; my personal redemption to make things right.

10:04pm the door opened, flooding the yard with a yellow light and reflecting off the rain soaked ground causing me to squint as someone, definitely not Austin shaped, came out taking something to one of the parked vans. “Not him! He’ll be the next one” I encouraged myself for the 70th time that afternoon.  I closed my eyes as I tried to picture him and imagine our first meeting; I imagined how happy he’d be to see me, our first kiss, the warmth of his hands. Lost in the daydream there was a knock on my window, I jumped back into consciousness . “Shit! Is it him? It’s so dark I can’t tell”. He stepped back from the car and I can make out his sillouhete. It’s him! I fumbled to get my book and phone off my lap and unlock the door to get out. I hadn’t planned to be caught off guard like that.

My heart pounded in my chest as I walked around from the driver’s side, ready to hold him as hard as I could. His presence, his frame and his beauty was intimidating. I let out a pretty pathetic “Hi”. He didn’t answer. In those brief moments as I walked around the car and saw him for the first time, I realised a lot of things. Firstly I realised that this freedom to him meant so much more than I could ever comprehend. To me his freedom meant we could be together. But to him, it was so much more than that. It meant he could see the world again beyond the beige and white walls that, I imagine, have surrounded him for the past seven years. Secondly, this was another chance at life itself; he’d been on death row waiting for his turn. Thirdly it also meant an impending struggle, to build a life from nothing, faced with the added obstacle of a criminal conviction. His face, his entire body, looked a little lost and over whelmed.  This moment was about more than just us. It felt a little like looking into a mirror, seeing your world but everything is opposite. What if that had been me in there. Was this some twisted David Lynch film where somehow that was all a dream for him, but now the reality was very much mine? So bleak and lonely? Of course not, there I go over thinking again. A also suddenly realised that this was a huge step for me. One I had never intended to take when I fist spoke to him; I was letting him into my life, and I didn’t have a plan for that.

He stretched his arms up interlocked his hands behind his neck, cradling the weight of his head As he looked around, he looked back at the prison letting out a sigh that said both “I’m so relieved!” and “Shit! what do I do now?!” I slowed down, hesitant at what I should do; let him have a moment to gather his thoughts and take it all in, or approach him as I’d always imagined and let him know that everything will be okay. 

After a long, hesitant moment, he finally turned to look at me. I smiled and moved towards him, wrapping my arms around his neck, he dropped his arms and held me around my waist, gently at first. I really noticed his scent, I’ve always had a strong sense of smell, and it’s usually what I recognise about people or places. I was hit with an aroma of nothingness. His scent was cold, hard and ... blank. His black sweatshirt smelt of fabric, nothing more or less. 

As he squeezed me tighter and lifted me off the ground, I was pulled from these thoughts and began to feel the excitement I’d expected on first meeting him build in the pit of my stomach. I couldn’t stop my cheeks from lifting and pulling my mouth into a wide smile. He stroked the back of my hair and whispered “Thank you” in my ear as he nestled into my hair. I burried my head in the crook of his next and felt a tear roll down my face. 

He lowered me back down to the ground and we both pulled away, looking into each other’s eyes. He had a twisted smile on his face, almost like a smirk that oozed confidence, hope and dominance. His eyes twinkled as he smiled and the light wrinkles at the edges of his eyes were a warm and softer detail I’d never noticed before.  He took his eyes off me and looked at my car. “Sick ride! I’d never have you pegged for someone whose into old cars.”
“Oh she’s so reliable! I’ve just never needed to replace her. And as the years have gone on she’s only increased my street cred.” We both smiled as we looked at it. “Also I should point out I’ve never referred to it as a she before, or measured my street cred”. He admired the car some more striking the hood, inspecting the tyres... mechanic stuff.

“Let’s get out of here, I need to wash this place off me” he said as he cupped my face with his right hand and stroked my cheek with his thumb. I went to open the trunk to put his things in, then realising that he only had a small clear plastic back with a few belongings in it I felt a little awkward. 
“Oh” I let out a nervous laugh, “erm sorry” I said, as he’d got into the passengers side. I wasn’t sure if he’d noticed what I did or said. “Why am I so awkward.... street cred?!” I thought to myself as I tried to give myself a pep talk on the way back round to the driver’s side. 

“I’m sorry you had to wait so long, I’m not sure what the hold up was. I felt they were just seeing how far they’d push me before I snapped and they’d have another excuse to keep me in” he said, clipping his seat belt.
“Hey, it’s fine, I’ve waited this long for you, a few hours is a walk in the park. I’m so glad that you’re here, I’m not sure I can quite believe it”.
“Me either” he said as he grinned at me.

As I drove down the drive and toward the gates, I could feel his cocky smirk as he stared at me. I couldn’t stifle a smile as I pretended not to notice .
“You’re so cute” he said and leaned over and gave me a kiss on the cheek, which instantly burned as I could feel it blush, a bright shade of red I’m sure. Thank goodness it’s dark I thought. As we waited to be checked and allowed out of the gate, I could feel a little apprehension building in Austin. His leg started bouncing as he leaned forward. We approached the gate, I showed them my ID. There was a pregnant pause as we waited for the barrier to lift. It lifted. We drove out. After a couple of minutes, Austin relaxed, he ran his hands through his hair and exhaled, a huge grin across his face as he looked up. I looked over at him, his smile was infectious. I looked back at the road. His hand held my thigh, I felt electricity surge through my body. “You’ll never know how grateful I am for everything you’ve done for me. I’m going to make it up to you.”
“Well” I said, finally conjuring up some confidence “let’s get you home so you can start making it up to me tonight.” I look across to him. There goes that twisted smile again.
“You know, the risks you’ve taken to get me here, the whole thing with Bennie - well it was so dangerous and so stupid - but I really appreciate it”.  I smiled and kept me eyes on the road saying nothing, hoping the conversation would end and move on to something else.

Although the risks I’d taken had helped set him free, I didn’t want to give away anything about that evening, because I hadn’t been completely honest about how things went down with Bennie that night. 

Chapter Text

In a bid to free Austin from death row, I’d followed Bennie, his brother, who Austin had told me had shot at him, his father took the bullet. Bennie and his men attacked Austin. He woke up to the police and a gun in his hand. Bennie has framed him. I’d followed him from a bar back to his address. He got off his bike and removed his helmet. He was tall, walked confidently and with an air of arrogance. He went inside and I waited a few minutes before approaching him. I didn’t want it to seem obvious that I’d followed. I attempted to use this time to go over what I’d say, how I’d behave, but the more I went through it, the more flustered and anxious I became.

“Fuck it” I whispered to myself as I got out of my car and walked towards the door. I wasn’t sure if I’d waited fifteen minutes or fifteen seconds. I counted each step I took in an attempt to distract and calm myself. Each time my feet pushed into the floor I had to fight my legs from sprinting in the opposite direction. 14 steps in and I had to quickly look at my phone to Austin’s picture on my lock screen, I can’t let him down now. 15, 16, 17, 18, 19 ... I stopped. I should probably change my lock screen before getting to Bennie’s. I changed it to a BSA Rocket Gold Star; I remembered how Austin fondly told me they’d had one in the shop once, his father was filled with the excitement of a child on Christmas morning. I continued to count. 48, 49, 50, 51 ...

I knocked on the door. Bennie answered, he gave off an air of indifference. He looked me up and down, unimpressed by my presence and said nothing. He had a beer in his hand and took a swig in the space where any normal person would have said “Hello” or “Can I help you?” He was handsome - in a terrifying sort of way. He smelt of charcoal and nomadism, if that was ever such a scent.
“I need some help with my bike, I heard you were the guy.” Casually, he turned and left the door open as he walked through to the shop. I assumed that was in invitation to come in. I followed in and shut the door behind me. ‘This is it’ I thought to myself. He asked me some questions about the bike. I’d tried to learn as much as I could this morning, but even though I’d rehearsed a script, my performance as a petrol head was unconvincing. All I’d rehearsed escaped my memory in the stress of the situation. My befuddled silence caused him to look at me properly for the first time. His expression transitioned from ‘Why is this bitch wasting my time?’ to surprised recognition, eventually braking into peels of laughter.

He paused to ask ”Why are you here?”
Shocked by this I stuttered “for my bi..”
“Is that a wig?!” He interrupted and went to snatch it off my head. I tried to bat him away but his reactions were quick, he knocked it a little.
“Not a red head anymore? Tsk, shame!” I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. I’d been a red head years ago.
“I never thought I’d see your pretty little face again. You seemed to smart to be getting anymore involved in any of this stuff again.” He continued as he turned away from me to the cabinet at the back of the shop. I stood frozen as blood began rushing through my body. Adrenaline. The throbbing in my in my ears was almost deafening. I don’t know how long I had stood there, memorising where I’d placed the knife Austin had told me to bring - just in case - wondering if I’d need it, wondering if Austin had been right. Bennie seemed to know me. He seemed almost friendly, if a little aggressive. This threw me completely.

Bennie looked over his shoulder at me “Look, what are you doing here? You don’t ride a bike! Are you looking for a good time? Looking for trouble? Or are you here to make your daddy mad?” He sneered as he poured us both a drink in a tumbler. Whiskey; I could smell it from across the room. I’m here for Austin, don’t get distracted I reminded myself.
There was no doubt I wasn’t able to hide the mix of fear and confusion that dominated my facial expression as I stood there, my mouth desperately failing to allow any sort of conversation to flow. He offered me the drink. I hesitated, took the tumbler and downed its contents. He watched thirstily as my face reacted to the intense, bitter, heat.
“That’s my girl” he laughed. “So you going to tell me why you’re here?” He sat back on the edge of his table.
There was a long pause. I could feel myself nervously shift weight from foot to foot as my hands tried to busy themselves with the folds of my sleeves to distract from their obvious quivers. I was desperately attempting to conjure an excuse, every time one began to form it was interrupted with conflict as I fought to try and work out what was happening.

“Shit!” he sniggered, “You don’t know who I am do you?” 

Chapter Text

The journey home is long. 4 hours to be exact. We were supposed to be home long before he even got out. This had completely interrupted my fantasy of getting back, cooking his first free man meal while he made himself at home. It was supposed to be perfect. I hadn’t eaten since the phone call this morning. I’d felt too full of nerves to eat, but now that he was here, hunger began to creep it’s way in. We decided to stop at a service station. Those ones that are open all night and serve a limited and fairly stagnated beige menu.

“It’s not quite what I had in mind for your first meal out” I confessed. 
“When you’ve had no choice over what you eat, and you're served up the same basic pulp every day, trust me this is more than perfect.” We walked into the restaurant, a typical greasy diner; booths, tables down the centre, stools at the counter, the stench of bacon grease. The demographic of diners so bizarre, some who looked like they’d been lost out in the woods for weeks, a young couple who looked as though they’d ran away from home, two girls reading a map and sharing ideas over where to go next, a couple of bearded bikers, an elderly lady who looked like she’d dined here everyday for the last 30 years - breakfast, lunch and dinner - only leaving for a quick cigarette break, and a man who looked as though he’d just lost everything on a gamble he was sure to be a certain win. I wondered what their stories really were. I wondered if anyone would be trying to guess our story, and If they’d ever get anywhere near the truth.

We sat opposite each other in a booth, conversation flowed better when we face each other. Maybe I feel a little more comfortable bouncing off body language. 
“Is this our first date?” I asked.
“Well I think it is.  Am I making a good first impression?” He joked.
“Hmm, well what do you do for a living?” I teased.
“Oh you know, this and that, fixed a few motorbikes, stole a few things, served a little time, escaped death row, you know how it goes”.  We both laughed.  “But seriously, what about you? I actually don’t know what you do for a living.”
I told him about how I am an architect.  “Mainly conceptual lately, I used to work for the City, but I had to give that up a while ago.  Since then I’ve only completed 3 builds. I send out concepts to people looking for something a bit different, but usually the response I get is ‘not THAT different!’ I don’t like to compromise so yeah, work has been slow for the past six years. But it’s fine! I’m happy with what I do”.
“Impressive!”he said. “I had no idea! I guess there’s so much we haven’t spoken about”. I agreed and smiled, but inside a spark of panic was ignited.

As we spoke and laughed and smiled I couldn’t believe this mans unapologetic and persistent beauty. I don’t think he could pull an ugly face if he tried. His relaxed expression was an effortless smoulder. His thick jawline, low eyebrows and piercing blue eyes was enough to make anyone weak at the knees. The tips of his sleeve tattooed peeped out the bottom of his cuffs made my impatient to explore the rest. How lucky was I? How am I going to fight off all the attention he’s surely going to get? How could he possibly resist after all those years incarcerated?  I know I couldn’t.

As we waited for our food and these doubt scattered my trail of though until he reached over and held my hands. We both leaned in closer to each other as we just looked at each other in silent contemptment for a few moments. I wanted to kiss him, I’d waited so long! I imagined myself climbing over the table there and then as our lips met for the first time and we started to peel off each other’s clothes, but this mirage dissipated with an apologetic cough from the young waitress, arms shaking under the heavy weight of the over loaded dinner plates.

As we ate, we planned what we needed to do over the next few days to get him back on his feet. He wanted to get straight back into working with bikes. “I guess I’ll start just asking around if anyone needs a little extra help at their shop, build up some work from there” he suggested, “I don’t know I’ve never really had a real job before.”
“There’s honestly no rush,” I reassured him “you don’t have to become a slave to work straight the way, enjoy your new found freedom. I assure you I’m more than self sufficient and incredibly low maintenance, have you seen the car I drive?” He gave a little laugh.
“Thanks, but I’ve got to be busy, you know? The sooner I can get my life back on track, the sooner I can put all of this behind me”.
“Fair enough”. I said, admiring his work ethic. “As luck would have it, there’s a bike shop just opened at the other end of town, it’s a fair drive from mine but, it almost seems like fate.”
He continued into his meal.
“Shakespeare” he said.
“Pardon?” I asked.
“Shakespeare coined the phrase ‘as luck would have it’”. We both smiled and laughed a little. I knew some of these. I quietly racked my Brian for more.
“I’ve got one: Undress” I added mischievously, he smiled and shifted in his seat. We digressed to sharing more words and phrases by Shakespeare that’s we could think of. This, I thought, maybe this is the hook that I’ve got that elevated me above all the competition I’m anticipating. We’re basically two nerds, one with a much tougher exterior. 

I checked my phone; three more missed calls and a text from father.
11:30 pm “Answer your phone”
11:43 pm “Sweetheart”
His attempt at seeming caring rather than controlling I deduced.
Dad didn’t ever text. The last message I’d got was from a few years ago. It read “I spoke to the DA, they’re dropping the case. I’ve left some sleeping pills on your night stand. Take some, get some sleep. Come to the office tomorrow after lunch, we’ll get you started on your treatment. Avoid the police. Don’t draw attention to yourself. Don’t go home yet.”

I thought I best text back. “Hi dad I’m okay, with an old friend for a couple of days. Speak soon.” 

After devouring his food as though he’d not tasted anything in 7 years I got up to pay. I stood at the counter and looked over. Another waitress was was there, a bustier one. She was about to clear plates but she’d put down her tray to lean on the table with her hip popped out to give her a more curvaceous figure and pushed her breast together. He saw me looking and smirked at my clearly jealous expression. He gave a little laugh as he shook his head and reached for my phone, pretending to look through it despite the fact it was locked. She eventual got the message, cleared the table and walked away. He winked at me as she did. I couldn’t get this stupid smile off my face while I settled the bill. I walked back over to the booth, I could smell her, she melt like cheap cherry body spray. I walked past him to take my seat opposite.
“The green eyed monster returns” he joked. Another Shakespeare invention. He got up and slunk into the booth next to me with his right  arm around my shoulder and used his left hand to guide my chin to look at him. 
“I’ve been holding off doing this because I’m not sure how much restraint I’d have if I open these gates but ...” and with that he kissed me gently on the lips. His lips were surprisingly soft. The kiss became deeper and quicker as we realised we were both playfully fought for the bottom lip. He held my lip in his teeth, my breath quickened as I impulsively arched my back and rocked toward him. This was the moment I’d waited so long for, and it didn’t disappoint. I felt a strange mix of giddiness and desire. As cliche as it sounds, fireworks erupted all through my torso. I felt almost light headed. We pulled apart and he rested his forehead on mine, slightly breathlessly he said “Let’s get to yours. Do all your first dates end back yours?” He teases.
“Nuh-uh! Never!” I replied, a smile creeping across my face that’s left him guessing while I thought about my last few dates. Truthfully none did end at mine, I didn’t want anyone knowing where I lived, worried my father might one day visit and find them there and I end up getting the “this isn’t helpful behaviour” talk again.. The last two dates I had were particularly vivid: Albert the army Action Man, that date had ended at his, such a sweet guy, he got a little too close though - he was deployed in the nick of time. Blake - so hot; we hadn’t even made it back to his. He ghosted me since that first date so that worked out well I reassured myself.
We skipped out to the car park feeling like high school sweethearts. He picked me up and carried me over his shoulder to the car. He put me down and we kissed again. I turned and searched for the keys in my bag while he stood behind and kissed my neck. I could not control the mile wide beam plastered across me face. Does bliss like this last?

Chapter Text

As we continued our journey I asked Austin to consider a few essentials he’d need.  We were about an hour away from home now and I knew we’d be passing a 24 hour store soon. I also wanted to get a few bits to make him a waffle breakfast, he once told me how he and his pops used to make them when he was a kid. We pulled up opposite the store, it was 2AM, the night air was eerily quiet.  My phone glowed with the notification of a message.
Dad “Which old friend is this? Running off like this isn’t helpful for your recovery. Where are you?” 

“You didnt tell your father about me?” I hadn’t realised Austin could see it. I looked at him shocked. He looked at me through a furrowed brown before softening to an apologetic realisation that he probably shouldn’t be reading my private messages. “I don’t mean to pry but I couldn’t help but see.” 
“No, no it’s fine. Erm, no my dad and I have a ... complex relationship. He chooses his moments to get involved.” I begrudgingly share.
“How so?”
“Well I learnt from an early age that we can best tolerate each other if we just avoid each other. When he does get involved in my life I miss the times he wasn’t involved.” We both gave a sad smile.
Austin was thoughtful for a moment “Uh huh, and your mother?” 
“Oh she left, a long time ago, being a mother wasn’t for her. She was young. I don’t hold it against her, better that she left then than I grew up with a resentful mother.” As the words left me mouth I realised how sad and lonely this had all sounded. “She lives in Florida now, I get a Christmas card each year where she tells me about all the wonderful things her children have done as though I was an old school friend or something.” I don’t know why I added that, Somehow I thought it would seem less sad. “She spells my name wrong.” Stop! I silently beg to myself.
We were both silent for a few moments, then he held my hand and said. “Well you’re not alone now.” and kissed the back of my palm. Oddly I’d never really felt alone.

There was a group of youths, aged about 17-19, hanging out a few yards away from the store, strangely I could hear them all talking and laughing but I couldn’t make out what they said. Austin stayed at the car, getting out to have a cigarette before getting back inside to avoid the cold air. “Last one. I promise”. He assured me it was something he’d picked up in prison and had no intention of continuing. He did it to have some monopoly in there. I hated the smell.

I paid for the goods, some eggs, milk, a toothbrush and some shower soap. I paid up and noticed the youths were closer to the door now. As I left I had to walk through them to get by. They were all speaking, one said something to me, I couldn’t quite make out what he said. ‘Just get back to the car’ I thought. 
“Hey Bitch I asked if you had a light” one said as he grabbed my bag. Luckily I held on to the groseries as I stumbled back. His group of friends laughed. Before I could even fully grasp what was happening, Austin was over like a whippet.
“HEY!” he yelled, as I looked over, his faces was filled with rage, his entire physical appearance had changed as he was overcome with anger.  At this point I couldn’t tell if I was more afraid of these boys, Austin, or what Austin was about to do if I couldn’t stop him. “Don’t you fucking touch her!” A couple of the boys ran away but the prick that grabbed me turned to face Austin, thinking he had the man power of his crew to back him up. I could see that Austin was a loose cannon, and about to do something we’d all regret, I went over to stop him but he was so blinded by rage and fixated on getting this boy that as I put my hand out to try and stop him he pushed me away. I fell to the ground, as I hit the ground a memory flooded back; my head hitting the side of a bathtub: my ears ringing - sirens - “he deserved it”, then I was back in the present.

From the ground I watched as he grabbed this boy and pinned him up against the door of the store. He had his forearm pressed against his chest. “Austin stop!” I screamed. He didn’t look away from this kids face, which had melted from a cocky brat to a petrified child. “Please!” I pleaded as a memory echoed in the back of my mind. (“Please!” I’m in the bathroom, he’s on the floor. “Please!!” I scream. I was hit, I fell and hit my head.) Austin’s breathing slowed, the store owner began banging on the window
“I want all of you gone or I’m calling the cops!” 
Austin looked at me and back at the kid, he tossed him to the floor “Get the fuck out of here before I snap your fucking neck” he scrambled to find his friends. I’d helped myself up by this point. “Come on, forget about them” I said as I walked back to the car.
“They’re just kids trying to prove they’re hard to their ... “ 
Before I finished my sentence I heard a crashing sound as Austin kicked a trash can clear across then parking lot. I paused in stunned silence as he walked to the car. We both got in, and sat in silence for a moment. I started the engine and we set off again. Austin was clearly unsatisfied that he couldn’t follow through with his rampage. His leg bouncing as he shifted uncomfortably in his seat as his hot-temper showed no signs of cooling.

‘Fuck!’ I thought, I don’t know why but I didn’t expect to see such an aggressive side to him. I felt afraid of him. This can’t happens again!

***

I’d been in an abusive relationship, my father and Dr Cargle we’re helping me through this. I can’t remember much of my relationship, I know that it ended with a fight in the bathroom, he pushed me and I hit my head on the side of the bath. When I finally got up I hit him over the head with a cement planter. He died. He deserved it.

My only memory of this event is patchy. My therapy sessions have been guiding me to make sense of it all, to accept that it’s not my fault, and to help me cope with the burden of carrying such a secret. My dad said he only trusted himself and Dr Cargle with this for my own safety. He dealt with the police, he somehow managed to keep me out of the interview room. He took care of everything, for which I’m indefinitely indebted. Indebted, but I can’t bring myself to feel grateful. It felt as though he was making up for a life of neglect. He didn’t have much input in my upbringing. I mostly took care of myself, I tagged along in his new relationships, but never really got involved. It was a place to live and no more than that. We had an unspoken agreement, he doesn’t ask me any questions, I don’t ask him any questions; we don’t get involved in each other’s lives. That was until that night. Since then the questions have been constant and invasive.

***

After about 10 minutes of driving I could no longer tolerate the deafening silence between us. I pulled over in a lay-by, unbuckled my seat belt and moved across to straddle him. He still looked out of the window, his expression thunderous and brooding. I held his face in my hands. I felt afraid of him, and it turned me on. It really shouldn’t have done but it did.
“Austin, I’ve only just got you, I’m not going to lose you again.” I confessed. “You know, one step out of line and someone will be more than happy to throw you back in prison. I can’t let that happen to you..”
“But those fuckers back there, I should have snapped their necks when I had the chance, look what they did you you” he noticed the graze on my arm where I’d fallen to the ground.
“Austin! They didn’t do that. You pushed me out of the way so intent on hurting them, and I fell”. And with that I felt his body change from aggression to regret. 
“Shit, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m so used to having to be on the defensive all the time. If you don’t defend what you care about on the inside, you lose it. I was just trying to protect you and look what I did. You’re right, I’ve got to control it, the only people who are going to get hurt is us”. 

I kissed him to let him know I didn’t blame him for what had happened, and to assure him he didn’t have to do this alone. His hands held my hips as he sat up from his seat. This kiss became deeper and quicker as his hand routed up my back and he pulled me in closer. The more we devoured each other the hungrier we became. I peeled the jacket off my arms and he lifted my top over my head, leaving a trail of kisses from my lips down my neck and across my breasts. I lifted his sweater over his head and ran my hands over his chest and abs, giving his back a firm but playful scratch as our kiss become even more urgent. I heard those boys in the distance, shouting and laughing about their encounter with us. “Not here” I reluctantly pleaded.
“Let’s get to yours. ” He agreed.
“Home” I corrected.

Chapter Text

We continued our journey, both starting to feel exhausted by the day, but equally not wanting to play down the excitement we both shared at his freedom. Between yawns and moments of tired silence, we made more plans; getting him a phone, renewing his driver’s licence, trying to sort out his bank account among other annoying yet essential admin jobs that take the sheen off of long overdue freedom. We listened to the cassette in my car player to keep us awake.
“Yes. A cassette player. What’s wrong with that? She’s authentic!” I defended in feigned insult.
“I bet it’s had the same cassette in it since the day it was brought home”. Austin jokes. He pressed play. Nirvana: Bleach. We both laugh at the thought.
“Actually!” I protest. “I have other more modern albums in the glove box”. He reaches in and pulls out the one other cassette I own. The Pixies: Doolittle.
“No way!” He exclaims. “Pop used to play this album over and over at the shop.” He smiles excitedly as he puts it in. It starts playing half way through ‘La La Love You’. I can picture them, both hustling away in the shop. I can almost smell the engine oil as I think of it. Our moods instantly lift. Austin studied the album cover with a contented smile. He stops and frowns, looks at the Nirvana album and scoffs.
“This isn’t more modern, they’re both the same age! I’m more modern than these.” We laugh.
“I bet you were a little rebel when you were younger.” He interjects. “I can picture you now, too much eyeliner and a flannel shirt”. He playfully mocks.
“First of all,” I rib, “that’s how I usually dress on days I’m picking up ex cons from prison. I made an effort today I hope you realise. And secondly, remind me never to tell you about my goth phase.” This is nice, I thought, being able to bounce off each other in a lighthearted way. So much of our previous interaction had been anything but light hearted. I think for a moment. “I don’t think I had anything to rebel against to be honest. I’m probably more of a rebel now. But you know, a good rebel, who pays her taxes and eats her greens.”
“... and sparks relationships with death row convicts?”
“Exactly. It’s all about balance!”

A familiar sight appeared, the skyline of the city began to appear to our right. Thankfully we’re not heading that way. I chose to move out of the city a while ago, I felt suffocated there and needed space, peace and a fresh start following the end of my last relationship. I didn’t want to dwell on this, not today. We travelled up the hill.

“We’re not far now! I can’t wait to get out of this car.” I said eagerly.
“You live up on this hill?” It was steep and scattered across the steep incline were lavish homes.
“Yeah,” I said “I used to love being in the city, but city life isn’t for me anymore you know? I like peace.”
“Yeah for sure.” He replied, I could see that the wheels were turning in his head but I wasn’t sure what he was thinking.
After a while he confesses “I remember coming up here with Pop for the the good swag.”

A short while later we rounded the corner at the very top of the hill and the steepest bit. I always had to drop to second gear to avoid stalling.
“Here we are!” I said as a mixture of exhaustion, apprehension and excitement combined to create a dazed and fuzzy feeling in my head. We drove a little way up the drive, a little unkept but the trees to the left of the drive were growing nicely, making the path feel more private, while the cobbled wall to the right didn’t distract from the view.

“You live here?!” He asked, mouth agape. I nodded “And this drive is yours?!”
“Yes, I know it looks a lot but I just needed to get away from it all and this place gives me the space and privacy I need. I know it looks unconventional, maybe grandiose but...” I didn’t know how to say what I needed to say, without blurting ‘I needed a big project to distract me from the fact that I killed someone and I can’t remember anything about it and I find it easier to be so far away from the rest of civilisation than to try and answer questions about big gaps in my memory!’ So I just sort of made gestures with my hands that meant nothing, and pulled a face that pleaded ‘lets move on’.
“No, no, I don’t mean it in a bad way, this place is incredible! I hadn’t expected... I mean you just seem so down to earth, I guess I... Now I’m kinda wondering why you invested so much time and energy talking to some convicted criminal on a dating app!”
I gave a nervous laugh. He meant it as I joke, I think.

“Wait is this one of your builds?” He asked unable to stifle his impression of awe.

“It is actually. I wanted to have a go at making something a bit extra, but affordable. I don’t like big houses, I prefer cosy comfort. Come on I’ll show you around.” My home was a personal slice of heaven. It wasn’t particularly big, two bedrooms, a kitchen, living room a bathroom, a small garden to the side of the property and a roof garden and a parking area. But it was extravagant in its design; heavily inspired by Frank Lloyd-Wright but with only a tiny fraction of the talent. It was built into the cliff side and had a wonderful view of the city. As we walked through the door and through the foray it opened out to the kitchen. A staircase descended from the right, down to the living space. A two storied windowed wall reached from the living room to the kitchen, not suitable for those afraid of heights. Parts of the exposed cliff made some of the interior wall in the living room.

“Sheesh! That fucking view! The sunrise!” He stood looking out for a few moments. His fingers intertwined behind his head again. I watched him in silence, wanting to revel in whatever it was he was feeling as he contently smiled. “I don’t think I’ve seen distances that far in almost 8 years.” He took a moment to drink it all in. He turned and saw the exposed cliff rock.
“No way!” he said. The wall was a dusky yellow colour, and cold to touch. I’d been advised against it by so many contractors for the pure cost of sealing it to not let in the rain. But Dad had helped me out financially to complete this. He said it was best to keep busy, insisting I leave my post of planning for the city to concentrate on this.
“The distractions of other people are not beneficial in these times. Avoiding conversations that could lead you down the path of confusion and eventually disbelief.” I remember him saying to me. He’d already handed in my notice on my behalf. Being shut off from the rest of the world for a while seemed like a good idea at the time to get my head back in a positive space. Although if I’m being truly reflective, the only positive feelings I’ve had recently have been those spent speaking with Austin.

Some moss grew along one side of the cliff face. That was my favourite part of the whole building. I sprayed it everyday to keep it alive. The contractor had warned me that the natural moisture form the rock could result in moss as a last minute bid to try and change my mind, unintentionally coercing me to not budge on the idea. Who else an exposed rock and moss feature in their house - by choice?!

“No house should ever be on a hill or on anything. It should be of the hill. Belonging to it. Hill and house should live together each the happier for the other.” I quote Frank Lloyd-Wright to Austin as he studies the cliff face. Austin is thoughtful, I think he appreciates the interest we share for words. I said the same thing to the contractor that day, he rolled his eyes.

“You are full of surprises aren’t you?!” Austin teased. “How did I get so lucky to meet you?” He asked holding onto my hips and pulling my close.
“First you believe in me, you risk your life for me, you put in so much time and effort to get me free, you’ve spent the past, what? 18 hours picking me up from prison, bringing me here, to this sweet ass home on top of a mountain, and are financially supporting me to get back on my feet?! I can’t even begin...”
“I don’t do this kind of thing for anyone, Austin. The universe dealt you a bad hand, I’m just trying to balance it out for you.” and me “The time, effort, money, you’ve been worth it all. And I know you’re not going to waste this opportunity, and well ... I think I sort of ... love you, you know?” I confess, nervously.

He holds my gaze once I’m finally brave enough to look at him again.
“I love you too!” he smiled. We seal it with a kiss and a contented embrace while we both watch the sun rise for a few moments.
We continue the tour of the house. I show him how I made up the spare room for him if he wants some privacy for the first time in years, or I’ve made space for him in my room if he’d like. ‘Please choose my room, please choose my room’ I beg with me eyes. He looks at me with that crooked grin again.
“Well, seeing as I don’t have enough stuff to fill an entire room for myself I think I may have to share with you” He says while he pulls me toward him and starts to kiss my neck. I smile as I feel my legs starting to go weak at the thought of finally getting to bed.

“And finally this is the bathroom, where you can wash that place off you! Take as long as you need, I’m just going to get some breakfast made for us and I can wash anything for you if you like.” He looks at me with an eyebrow raised “..Clothes!” I add, “I meant clothes!” I blush as he mutters “shame”.
The only clothes Austin has on him are the tracksuit he was released in, a pair of boots and jeans from the night of his arrest, the shirt he told me, was used as evidence as it was covered in blood.
“I have this you could wear.” I offer as I go to the drawer and pull out a mans green hoodie. I hand it to him.
“This doesn’t look your size.” He quizzically teases.
“No, it’s just one that was left on a hiking post up here, I guess I just like it for cosy days.” I lie. I don’t have the nerve to tell him it belonged to my ex-husband. Despite everything thing we went through, this was my last memento of him and I couldn’t get rid of it.

Husband. I hadn’t remembered we were married. Not until the night I met Bennie.

Chapter Text

“Shit” he sniggered, you don’t know who I am do you?” 

He shook his head almost in as much disbelief as I found myself. I desperately flicked through as many memories as I could to try and remember him.  Nothing.
“So?” He waited for an answer while I was still processing what he’d just said. He was becoming impatient. He filled his tumbler again, slammed down the bottle which made me jump a little. He knocked it back and looked at me for a moment.  Still waiting for me to say something.  So was I. 

“Why are you here!?” He yelled as he threw his tumbler to the wall beside me. I couldn’t stifle my scream. 
“I... I know what you did! You killed him!” I stammered, instantly realising the mistake I’d made he shifted from impatience to anger. 
“Oh you do, do you? Are you sure? I don’t think you know anything about me.” He stepped away from the side he’d been perched on.
“He must be good if you don’t even remember my face.” He stepped closer to me as I stepped back. “That crazy fucker. Last time I saw you, you had a these big old tears streaming down your face,” he stepped again, so did I, “and a whole mess of bloody hair right here.” I jumped as I stepped back to the wall and realised he had me cornered, he put his hand on the right side of my head to illustrate where I’d been hit and used his other arm to prop himself against the wall so I was trapped.  He looked me up and down
“Nothing on, save for a few bubbles”. He moved his face closer “And that sorry excuse for a husband....” 
“Husband?” I whispered to myself, briefly distracted form the moment. 
“...on the floor..”
“Don’t!” I begged. Husband? 
“...in a pathetic…”
“Stop” with this he grabbed my face in his hand. I could barely breathe for the intense throbbing of my heart in my throat. Husband? How did he know? What did he see? How could I forget?
“… lifeless heap. Perhaps when I’m done with you here, I should do the same to you!” He snapped as he released his hand from my face and thrust it around my neck.  The look in his eyes - equally focused and vacant.  Austin’s words sprang to mind. “Once you look evil in the eyes it’s hard to shake it”.  I had seen this look before.  But I couldn’t place it at all. 

That’s when I stabbed him: he’d been a witness! Why couldn’t I remember him!? Did dad know there had been a witness?!   He stumbled back, shouting and screaming at me.  I couldn’t focus on what he was saying.  He fell to the floor and tried to grab at my legs. I kicked him away. I was breathing so heavy I could feel myself going faint. I had to get closer to him to get some DNA.  While he was down I kicked him, he doubled over and I took a chunk of his hair.  Before leaving I took the tumbler I’d drank from, I didn’t dare look back.

Chapter Text

As Austin showered, I started making up the mixture for the waffles. The sun rise was beginning to fill the kitchen with a warm pink glow, it reminded me of how tired I felt, my eyes slightly burning by now in the realisation that I’d been up for so long. After a while Austin appeared, wearing just his towel, his body glistening from the shower and the glow from the sun. Despite years of imprisonment, it was clear Austin’s had kept himself busy concentrating on his fitness. I didn’t hate it. Every inch looked sculpted to perfection. I was relieved that he wasn’t wearing the hoodie, partially for the view.

“What are you making?” He asked as he approached me from behind and slid his hands over my hips. I felt a cold drip from his hair land in my collar bone and roll down between my breast.
“Well, I’m making waffles for you, I remember how you said you and you father made them”.
“That’s so sweet” he kissed me on the neck. “But you know, my pop always said you should let the mixture sit for a while. So let’s just...” he takes the ladle out of my hand and places it on the side.
I turn around to face him, more than happy to put breakfast on hold for this. He holds me high up my thighs as he picks me up. I wrap my legs around him. Our lips remain locked as he effortlessly manoeuvres around the kitchen and through to the bedroom. All suggestions of tiredness evaporate as he proclaims; “I’ve got some debts to repay,” and kicked the door shut behind him. 

Chapter Text

When we finally wake at around midday, get washed, dressed and fed, we agree to get the boring stuff down in the city. We visit the bank, dmv and get him some new clothes.

Now with his renewed license Austin eagerly asks if he can drive home. As I toss him the keys he looks like a child on Christmas morning. The thrill of his face as he hears the 30 year old engine roar into life. There’s a spark in his eye, one that only comes from happy memories.

As we pull up the hill and round the corner I see a familiar black Bugatti Veyron parked outside my home. “Oh God! It’s my dad.” 
“Wow, I mean that car ... what does he do again?”
“Psychologist” I grunt as I’m reminded that I didn’t listed to Dr. Cargle’s session.
“Psychologist?” He asked surprised “How much are psychologists paid these day?”
“Clearly too much!” I add.
We get out of the car and walk to the door. I remember that I have no story, for either of them!
“Okay erm, if he asks, you’re an old friend from high school”. Austin looks a little crest fallen but doesn’t object, he nods his head.

“Where have you been?” His voice thunders even before we’re through the door.
“I told you! With a friend. This is Austin.” With that my dad snaps his head in his direction, he looks almost as though he has seen a ghost, perhaps expecting me to be alone. Probably assuming when I’d said I was meeting a friend that that was a lie and I just wanted to be Kane. Austin offers his hand to shake,  my dad just stares at him and looks at me, almost enraged as though screaming at me with his eyes ‘How could you be so stupid?’ He then sees something over my shoulder. The sweater. 
“What is this?” He asked in a hushed but outraged tone as though trying not to let Austin hear. ”Why is Ned’s sweater here?”
“Ned.” I whisper. I’d forgotten his name. His name was Ned. I felt a pang of loss at his name. 
Dad looks angered that he’d let his name slip. He whispers, “Are you deliberately trying to undo all the work work that I... Dr Cargle has done for you? You really have no excuse in being so sloppy and careless. You shouldn’t have your ex-boyfriends things lying around after what he did to you. Get rid of it, you only knew him a few weeks”.
“Husband, dad”. He looks furious “I.. I think he was my husband.” I’d been sitting on this information for months. I’d always been too scared or confused to bring it up, but now I had someone in my corner I felt more confident to bring it up. I look across at Austin, he looks completely confused and separated, as though he’s watching this all unfold on the tv. As he processes the words that came out of my mouth he looks almost betrayed. Shit, I hadn’t told him either. I suddenly realise I’m in the presence of two men who are angry at me, both of whom were expecting explanations.
Dads eyes follow my gaze around, he realises Austin is still there and is listening with peaked interest.
“Excuse us” he spits as he grabs me by the elbow to lead me into the next room. 
“Hey, hey! Don’t touch her like that.” Austin comes closer, ready to pounce if he needs to, but offers me no comfort.
Dad let go of me after giving me one more squeeze. He starts to walk to the next room, his nostrils flared as he realised that I’m not following him.
“Have you listened to Dr. Cargles message? I think you should come to clinic right now!”
“Dad no! I’m not going! I’ll listen this evening I promise”. He steps towards me and hesitates, looks back at Austin. 
“Make sure you do, here’s some pills to help you. They’ll stop you overthinking things like you always do.” For once I notice it’s not me over thinking, but him. 
He kisses me forcefully on the forehead, new car scent. He’s never done that before, I hope he never does again. He opens the door and turns to look at Austin again. “I’ll be back tomorrow”he shouts as he walks out the door and slams it behind him. 

We both stand in silence for a moment. I realise that our fresh-new-start bubble just burst. I stand looking at the pills in my hand. Relieved in a way that somethings were aired, terrified that I’d upset Austin and wondering how I could explain any of this, to either of them.
“Husband?” Austin asks seemingly demanding answers yet not expecting me say a thing. Austin starts to pace the room. “You never thought to tell me this?” His voice gets louder.

Tears well in my eyes.

“Are you a patient of your fathers? What was that you’d said to me before, open up? Trust you? You even told me you’d kept nothing from me.” He’s shouting now. “You fucking lied to me! And you told me you found that sweater!”

I throw the pills at the door and hear them tinkle on the ground as they scatter in all directions. I slowly squat down into the floor while I hold my head and my hair in my hands, feeling that if i didn’t hold on, everything would fall apart. Austin stops talking. His pacing stops. He stands for a moment with his hands on the counter while he faces the opposite direction. He’s thinking.

Austin comes over and picks me up. “I think it’s time we talk about you.”

Chapter Text

We both sit in the living soon, I sit on the couch knees folded close to my chest, he sits on the footon opposite elbows resting on his knees as he leans forward. I sit silently rubbing tears away from my eyes as they form, not giving them chance to roll down my cheeks. Austin exhales deeply.
“Okay,” he starts. “I’m sorry if I got angry back there, but I was under the impression that there was trust here, and complete transparency. That whole conversation there with your father, who by the way, is a total dick, had me facing the fact that perhaps I don’t know anything about you. At all.” It hurt to hear this.
“Austin, please believe that everything I’ve said or done about us has been with the best of intentions, and when I told you I loved you yesterday I meant it! But I’ve had some problems in my past. It’s just so complicated.”
“So complicated that you can’t tell me?! Are you being serious? After everything we’ve been through together?! And with everything you know about me? And my past?”
“It’s complicated because...” I worry that what I’m about to say will make me sound crazy. “... because I can’t really remember a lot.”
“About what?”
“About Ned, my ex-husband, the abusive one. I didn’t remember his name until today.”
Austin looks confused, welcome to my world.
“So tell me what you do know.”
I feel my stomach sink to my feet, and the colour drain from my face. I exhale deeply to calm my nerves. I claps my hands together in my lap,to stop them from shaking. They’re cold and sweaty.
“We had a fight. One night.” Tears escape the corner of my eyes. I close them because looking at Austin is too hard. The lump in my throat working so hard to keep my voice from breaking into a cry. “He pushed me, I hit my head on the bath. Then I can’t really piece what happened together exactly, because, the memories are sporadic, but I...” oh God. Telling this to Austin felt treacherous. This man, spent years in prison accused of killing someone he loved, and I had lived Scot free having actually killed someone. And I’d never told him. I’d never told anyone “... I killed him.” I opened my eyes. Austin’s gaze held mine in disbelief. I desperately searched his cold eyes for forgiveness, from himself, from Ned.

“I hit him over the head, he died.” Austin’s hands run through his hair, rub over his face and he holds them at the bridge of his nose. He stands up and moves away looking out the window. He says nothing.
“My memory is patchy at best. Sometimes things happen, and it wakens another memory. Sometimes I remember the sound of the bath water, my voice, begging, I remember seeing him, on the floor, the ringing in my ears when my head hit the bath. I know I used a plant pot but I can’t remember anything else!” Still nothing.
“It was self defence, I was alone I had no choice.” He deserved it is what I’d been encouraged to tell myself by Dr. Cargle, I didn’t think that would hit the right note with Austin. It never felt right to me. Still no response. I stay nestled in the corner of my couch as I quietly sob. After a few minutes Austin announces “I need some air.” And he’s gone.

***

I stay seated in the same spot. I stayed there sinking into the couch while the sun set. It was dark now, it had been for a while. He’d been gone for hours. I wondered where he was, if he’d come back, if he’d go to the police, if he hated me. My face ached; swollen from all the crying, and tight from the dried tears. I felt both hungry and nauseous, tired and delirious.

My mind replayed every moment Austin and I have shared; the first date, our morning together, how he’d ‘payed off his debts’ as he called it by making me see stars. My mind plays scenarios I’d fantasised about, a hallmark image of love and happiness, now replaced with scenes of bleak loneliness that I don’t think I could ever recover from. A hollow and empty chasm where just this morning my heart had beat so full of love.

***

I hear the door open. I wait a few moments for him to come down. He doesn’t say anything. I make my way up stairs to find him. He’s at the sink getting some water. As I watch I realise how much I love everything about him. His stance, the way he moved, how his clothes sat so perfectly on his frame, how he drank his water, how he really couldn’t hide his emotions. I stood and watched him, wondering which one of us should speak first. I know it should be me, but my fight or flight seemed permanently stuck on freeze. He took another sip. Walked over to me. Puts down his glass and wrapped his arms around my shoulders pulling me into a tight and protective embrace. With relief and desperation I broke down. I didn’t ever want to let him go again.

After a while we sit on the couch and go over the facts we know.
“So you didn’t know his name until your dad mentioned it today?”
“No.”
“And you think you were married to him? Even though your dad said you knew him only briefly?”
“I think I was, yes”.
“You don’t remember?”
“No.”
“No wedding? No dress?” I shake my head.
“So what makes you think that you were married?” He asks.
Fuck, something else I didn’t tell him. I grip hard into the cushion.
“It was Bennie.” I stopped for a moment to register the change in body language, bracing myself for impact. I continued “Bennie said that ...”
“Bennie?! What about Bennie?!”
“Bennie was there, when I killed him. He called him my husband, but I can’t…”
“What the fuck? What are you talking about? You knew Bennie before we started talking?” Austin’s up again. He starts pacing again like a caged lion.
“No! I don’t know! I don’t remember!” I desperately pleaded. We were both as confused and frustrated as each other.
“Bennie knows you, and your husband, or whatever the fuck he was.” He angrily runs his hands through his hair and shouts . “You never told me any of this! What happened when you went to Bennie’s, what are you not telling me?”
“Okay,” I try to calm the situation by speaking slowly and clearly. “But please know I didn’t tell you because I was confused, Austin! I’m still confused! I didn’t know what had just happened. I knew you’d worry even more - and ultimately you were helpless in there. If you’re phone had been found and I’d sent you all this info...”
“Okay! I get it” he interrupts impatiently.

I told him about everything that had happened. That I was sure I’d never seen him before, I panicked, I even left thinking I’d imagined it all.
“Did you tell your father?”
“No! It didn’t make any sense to tell him. He’d wonder why I was there and I couldn’t tell him about you, he said I shouldn’t see anyone until I’m fully recovered.”
“Recovered from what exactly?”
“From Ned. From that night. Dr Cargle said my mind has repressed these memories which is why I can’t make sense of what happened.”
“You can’t remember anything else?”
“No! Just the scent of bath water, alcohol and ...” I had to think “...charcoal. They’re helping me piece everything back together through hypnosis. I’m sorry I never told you any of this. It’s just that you had so much going on, I’m trained not to speak about it, I didn’t want to push you away. We had more urgent things to talk about”
“Trained?” There’s a concerned look on his face. “Listen to me, did you run off when I told you I was on death row for murder?  You stuck by me and you believed me. Now it’s my turn to be here for you. Besides it seems we be way more connected to all this mess than we’d ever thought possible.” His anger began to soften.
“We’ll work this out. There’s no way I’m leaving your side now that Bennie knows you were involved in any of this; your fight with your ex, getting me free.”
A wave of relief swept my body, I felt exhausted and drained from exerting so many tears in one evening. Austin helped me to the bedroom where he left me some water and encouraged me to get some rest. 

He left the room and I was alone with all my thoughts, shouting and screaming over themselves trying to pull at threads to make sense of everything, anything. I took a sleeping pill, put in my head phones and fell asleep listening to Dr. Cargles hypnotherapy. 

***

Time passed, I’m not sure how long, when Austin woke me up with a jolt, as he snatched my one remaining head phone from my ear. It took me a moment to process what was happening. He was talking to me. I could feel him holding my wrists, then my shoulders. He started shaking me.

“What?!” I slurred still drowsy from the sleeping pill. I could feel my eyes going again. Austin held me up and splashed water on my face. 
“Stop listening to that shit!” he said something else but I couldn’t concentrate. I felt my body lift up off the bed, a warm and sturdy support begins my knees and shoulders. He was carrying me. It felt safe. The next thing I knew I was awake! Showered in icy cold water.
“Austin, what the fuck!” I screamed between gasping for breath. He turned off the shower and wrapped me in a towel. 

“Your dad is lying to you!”
“What?”
“And Dr. Cargle. I came in and your ear bud had fallen out, I could hear the hypnosis. I knew he was a piece of shit the minute we walked through the door.”

He restarted my message from Dr. Cargle. It always started the same “You are not responsible, you were protecting yourself, you will be okay.” Impatiently Austin skipped ahead.  

“... police. Don’t draw attention to yourself. You killed your boyfriend, who you knew for only a short while, you can’t remember it. You had no choice, you were all alone and scared...” 

This I’d never consciously heard before. I was always deep in sleep by this point. 

“…He was evil, he abused you. He deserved it. Avoid the police. Don’t draw attention to yourself. You killed your boyfriend, who you knew for only a short while, you can’t remember it ...”

I stared in silence at my phone. That’s my dads voice. “That’s what happened?” I asked trying to justify what I’d just heard while desperately wondering if this is helpful in my recovery. 

Austin held my head in his hands. “I don’t think so.  I’m no expert on memory recovery hypnosis, but I don’t think reminding the patient they can’t remember is how it works.” He said as he held me before my legs gave way and I collapsed to the ground.

***

While I sat on the rug of the living room, staring out over the view of the city in the distance, I watched the sky turn form a blanket of darkness to a warming yellow hue. A throbbing in my head, either from the sleeping pill, or the cocktail of emotions I’d been through was providing a painful yet welcome release as it hurt to much to think. Austin had been keeping himself busy, making sure I was okay, getting me coffee to wear off the pills and writing out bits of information as though he were a detective in a crime show. 

“So, your dad is up to something. I knew it. He seemed like a pig. I read about this thing, the illusion of truth, where someone embellishes a story they know isn’t true, over and over again, until they can’t remember the reality of the story. It was used a lot in political propaganda, to make people feel or behave a certain way. It feels a little like that. But why? There’s something about your ex he doesn’t want you to know.”
“Ned.” I remind us both.
“Ned?”
I nod “Ned.”
“He’s keeping you away from the police which let’s face is super suspicious. If I see him again I’m not sure I’ll be able to stop myself from skinning the fucker alive.” I expected myself to be shocked by this, but at the moment, it seemed like a perfectly logical reaction. He carried on “What I don’t get is Bennie’s involvement.”

“Austin, please can we just not, for like a few minutes” I pleaded with the last remaining energy I had.

We sat together, he held me close and we both watched the sun come up. Aware that from this moment on things weren't going to be the fairytale ending we’d hoped. 

***

Knocking at the door.  We’d fallen asleep.  It took me a few moments to register what was happening. Austin was up like a shot.  
“Oh God, my dad!” Hide all that stuff I said gesturing to Austin’s detective work.  More knocking.  We hurriedly presented ourselves, before I opened the door, Austin stopped me, held my face in his hands and looked into my eyes. He whispered, “No matter what, I’ve got you” I nodded and turned to open the door.  

Chapter Text

There was a knock at the door again. I put my hand on the handle and took a deep breathe before turning and pulling.

“Hey sweetheart. Sorry did I wake you? I just need you to sign for this”.  Just the mail man.  
“Oh thanks”. I shut the door and felt the adrenaline let down surge through my body.  I collapsed into Austin with a relieved little laugh.  
One letter, addressed to Austin, express delivery. 

We packed up everything conspicuous and left the house, the last thing we wanted was for my father to come around before we could confront him with anything other than “We know you’re up to something, but we don’t know what”.  I was also worried about how Austin would react to seeing him again.

As we were about to get in the car I handed the letter to Austin, a knowing smile across my face.
“What’s this?” he asked suspiciously. He opened it.  Inside was a letter regarding the registry of my car. Yesterday I’d signed over my car to Austin.  I knew how much he liked it, and he’d need a car more than I would for finding work.  
“Are you serious?” He laughed.  He picked me and gave me a squeeze and a kiss.  
“You need it more than me, plus she’s getting old, she needs someone who knows a thing or two about vehicles to keep her going. Just promise me you won’t chop her up for parts.”
“Cross my heart.” He said as he put the keys in the ignition.

We set off on a drive, we weren’t sure where we were going, preferably somewhere we wouldn’t be found. We drove around the winding hills and eventually pulled over at a cliff top, we got a blanket out and sat on the hood of the car. Austin pulled his letter back out of his pocket.
“You realise this is the only thing I own? The cops auctioned off all my worldly positions years ago. I had this leather jacket, it was my dads. I’d do anything to get that back.” He smiled studying the document.

“Novak?” he asked 
“Novak?” I rebutted. 
“It says here on previous owners, your last name is Novak.” A realisation dawned across his face before mine.
I paused as it flooded back to me, frantically searching for the right memory that was scrambling to be noticed, and then grabbed it.  “That was my name! Ned Novak.  I married Ned Novak. I guess I never changed the name on the document”.

“Fuck!” he said as he sat back.  “Novak, I know who he was”.
“….what?” 
“Ned, his first name was Ned? He was our accountant for all the, you know, legal stuff!”
“And only now you remember?  His name was Ned! How many fucking Ned’s do you know not to realise that’s where Bennie’s connection came in.”
“We never called him Ned.  Pops just called him Novak, Nerd Novak when he wasn’t around.  Oh I just got it.” a little smile and a glint in his eye as he lovingly remembered his father. 
“And you” he shifted “you had red hair?” 
“I… yes I did.  I …” A memory began to appear with the help of Austin’s story.

“I’ve met you before. You were his wife, you came to the shop once, on your way to some kind of ‘rich-people-party’.” 

***

It had been a warm afternoon, Ned was busy working - as always, we had to be somewhere. He didn’t come home in time. I phoned him, I remember his voice “Just trying to sort out this last minute thing, why don’t you come and meet me and we’ll go straight from here”. He spoke with some kind of European accent. A party: we had a party to go to. I was dressed up, not in my usual stuff. A mirror, I checked myself before I left. A flapper? Oh a murder mystery, with some of Ned’s old college buddies.  He didn’t want to go, he wasn’t into that sort of thing, but I insisted, at the time I loved being around people, being drunk, having fun. I also loved a mystery.  It wasn’t so fun when your life had become one. 

We lived in the city, I chose to walk. I’d had a couple of drinks before I left the house. The stares I got, dressed the way I was. I remember smiling about it, it felt good to be noticed again. Things with Ned has fizzled to almost friend zone, but we still cared for each other. I approached the door.  It was open - one of those ones built into a larger wooden door that you had to step into. Music played out of the stereo, it was quite loud, and echoed around the large space. It was The Pixies. So many bikes and parts scattered the room. There was a young guy in there, my age, possibly younger.  He was working on something and had his back to me. He wore a white vest. The vest, his arms and shoulders were blotched with patches of black from the bikes he’d been working on. The air was close, a sweaty sheen gleamed off his arms and exentuated his muscles. I could feel the heat prickle beneath my head band and pin curls.

“Hi” I tried to shout in competition with the music, no luck. I tried louder, “Erm I’m looking for ...”

“You must be Mrs Novak?” an older voice called as the music quietened. I turned and saw him. I now recognise him from the photograph Austin had sent me “Jeez, I didn’t realise Novak could punch so high above his weight!”  Austin’s dad. The young guy was Austin, he turned to look at me.  We had met before!! Only briefly. “I don’t usually dress like a 20’s hooker, but perhaps I should do it more often” I joked, my face caked in white, lips as red as freshly picked cherries, wearing a silk dress that clung to the heat of my body as I too felt myself developing a perspiring glow. I gave a little flirtatious twirl and cocked my heel up behind me. Pops laughed. Enjoying the attention my eyes moved around to see the expression on the other guy. Austin was looking at me, wiping his blackened hands on a rag.  We stared at each other for a long second, his piercing eyes looked right through to my soul as he tried not to let a crooked smile crease across his face.  That familiarity I felt when I first saw him on the app, was this it? How badly I’d wanted to know what he was thinking, the smile gave so much away that I knew what was crossing his mind, but not enough! It left me pleading for more. In that moment I’d forgotten why I was there, but I was pretty sure it was for him.

“Congratulations on your marriage,” pops continued, braking me from a hungry trance “He’s just in there” he signalled to a door at the top of 3/4 steps.  
“Let me get that door for you,” Austin called out making his way over to me. “Sometimes it sticks” He was beside me, we were squeezed between the wall and the the short bannister on the steps, I stopped and looked at him as he leaned across to open the door and held it open for me, his gaze flirting between my eyes and lips. I took in his scent. I’d never forgotten the scent.
“Hey!” His dad yelled in a warning tone.
“What?!” He replied teasingly, “You want her to fall backward down these stairs in those heels?”.
Even then just being close to him sent my heart to flutter.

“Austin! I remember!”

***

“Yes, Austin. We did. That day! We met!” Two word sentences were as much as I could muster as I fought so hard to keep the memory present.   “I thought about you all night, I couldn’t get you out of my head! And felt so guilty for it!”  I admitted reliving the excitement of being that close to him.
“I thought about you for weeks, I always hoped you’d come back one day but you never did.  I guess I forgot your face as my memory painted you as a charecature of a flapper.” We both gave a happy smile as we realised there was a connection there, from before this mess.  
“I remember your scent!”
“My scent?!” Austin asked in a perplexed tone.
“Yes so vividly, when you opened the door for me.”
He laughed a little “And what did I smell like?”
“Like engine oil, and like you’d been working all day. Oh and a hint of chalk? Yeah chalk I think.” He laughed and rubbed his head in his hand. “Granted it doesn’t sound good when I describe it, but I’d never wanted anything so badly as I wanted you in that moment.”
We were silent for a moment as we both thought about that encounter.
“I’d had a couple of drink before I got there that day,” I continued, “It’s a good job I’d had no more; I’m not sure I could have controlled myself”.
“Yeah,” he laughed “such a good job” he added sarcastically.
We both lay back, Austin’s arm around me, smiles on both our faces. I liked this; revisiting memories, happy memories . It felt like I was living it for the first time. Again.

We sat there for what seemed like hours, replaying that first meeting. Finally a common memory we could share, we spoke about it over and over in great detail. I didn’t want to stop talking about it, for fear it would disappear from my consciousness again.

I sat up.
“I murdered Ned.” I remembered
Austin sat up too, he held my hand. “I don’t think it’s that simple, there’s more to this story than we understand yet.”
“No I mean, that night, the party we were going to was a murder mystery, I was the imposter… my story was that I hit him over the head with a planter. I think I’m confusing past events Austin.” I felt scared but instantly reassured by his embrace. 
“Bennie, there’s more to this.  So much more, if anyone knows it’s Bennie … or your dad”. He said through gritted teeth.

We both lay there, lost in thought. ,“Well,” Austin interrupts the silence, “what do I smell like now?”
I rolled onto my side, hooked a leg over his and swept my arm across his torso, then took a a big inhale from the crook of his neck.
“Hmmm honeysuckle and chalk, definitely chalk.” I gave his neck a little kiss, then a lick and a bite. “And you taste like desire.”
“Interesting!” he smiled.
“You know when I picked you up from prison, you smelt blank.” I added.
“Blank?”
“Yes! It made me uneasy and sad...Ned smelt like cologne and printer ink”.
“Yeah that sounds like Novak”. We laughed.

“But honestly, Novak, he was a good guy, I can’t imagine him hurting you. Do you ever remember anything he could have done to hurt you?”
“Other than the time he pushed me and I hit my head on the bath, no.” I thought hard, I felt tightening around my wrists and a cold sensation on my chest. “Oh! Although I do seem to remember he tied me to the bed. I think there was ice involved”. I looked at him with a flirty smile, we both shared a little laugh.
“I never knew Novak had it in him” he said.
“But do you have it in you?” I teased.
“You’re not ready for what I have in me princess.” I couldn’t help but bite my lip in the anticipation of being dominated by this man.

That memory with Ned felt like an early one. We definitely didn’t have that kind of relationship the night of the party.I paused and thought about it “What was he like?”
“I only met him a few times. Most of the time he was just pissed at me because I’d just tease him about you. Man I teased Novak so hard. Kept asking if he’d bring you back down so I could see to your muffler, and other jokes about lubricant I won’t get into right now”. I laugh and roll my eyes but felt so giddy that the hot guy from the shop fancied me!  “Pop gave me so much grief for it. But he was a good honest guy. Too honest, we were on egg shells around him, couldn’t let him find out about a big part of the business you know? He’d bend pops ear about you and how special and talented you were. We thought he was making it all up until we met you. To be honest we couldn’t see what you’d see in him by that point. But I guess after everything you told me about your family, he was the best bet as being a safe, consistent rock for you.”
I thought for a while lost in thought trying to imagine any conversations we may have had. “But then you swiped right on a guy on death row convicted of murder so maybe I’m wrong.” he laughed.
I smiled. This felt safe. “I remember his face. Brown eyes, blonde hair, dimples when he smiled. I don’t think he knew how to frown. He was kind wasn’t he?” I asked as my voice began to break. “Whatever happened, he didn’t deserve it.”
“I know,” he agreed. “Fucked up things happen everyday, we’ve got to make the most of every moment we have before they’re gone.”
“I can’t wait to make some new memories with you, and there’s no way I’m going to forget these ones.” I promised.
“Let’s start making some memories.” He declared as he hopped off the hood and pulled me by the thighs towards him. We kissed with increased passion, he bit me back on the neck as I dug my nails into his shoulders. I felt Austin push my skirt up and unbuckle his belt before we heard some hikers making their way up the hill.
We hurried back in the car and stayed parked up a while longer; exploring the thirst and the urgency we remembered from our first meeting all those years ago.

Later we headed home.

Chapter Text

“I think we need to really think about what actually happened when you met Bennie.“ Austin declared as we got back into the car.
“Yes.” I said nervously.
“So you followed him, you knock at the door. What happened?”
“He didn’t pay any attention really, he led me in. I was nervous, he picked up on it, and the fact I clearly knew nothing about what I was talking about. Then he saw me, who I really was. He cornered me, asking me why I was there, was I there for a good time, trouble, or to piss off daddy. He smelt like charcoal, and that fleshy smell you get when you’ve been out in the wind too long.” I remembered. Austin smiled clearly not getting what I was trying to describe at the end there.
“You think he knows your dad?”
“No. Erm maybe, Because he said something about him being a good if I couldn’t remember him. Maybe about my Dad or Dr Cargle? Do you think that could be it?” I realised.
“Fuck!” Austin said as he reached over to hold my hand.
“Yeah. Then he started talking about Ned and I, how I’d been crying and bloody. I’d banged my head in the bath when Ned pushed me...” I paused. No that’s not right. I’d never used his name in that sentence before, Ned didn’t fit in that sentence.
“No! Not Ned. Bennie! Bennie pushed me.” There was an odd sense of relief mixed with sheer fear. “Austin it was Bennie!”
I thought deep and hard, trying to bring back any other memories. Ned. He was on the floor, he’d been beaten. Before that I was in the bath. There was a lot of noise. He called my name, moments later he burst through the door. He was on the floor, beaten. Bennie walked in, looked at me. He got hold of Ned. Unconscious.
“He drowned him.” I sombrely said.
“What?”
“I was in the bath, he held his head in my bath water. Austin that’s worse than I ever imagined.” I began to cry. Austin grabbed me and held me as tight as could until he pulled over and took me over to his lap. And held me so close and so tight, trying to absorb the hurt as much as he could.
“I’m sorry.” he said.
“I’d got out to try and get him off Ned. Then he pushed me. I hit my head. I woke up at my fathers. I couldn’t remember much o f anything.”
“You were a blank canvas. Your dad, with his skills could make you believe anything. But why?! Was he protecting Bennie? Why did Bennie kill him? What’s the connection?” Austin pondered.
“The shop? He worked for your dad.”
“But like I said he didn’t know about anything illegal... ah shit.” He remembered. “He was there that day. The day pop died.”

Chapter Text

We arrive back home. A somber silence between us as we process all this new information. We pull up to the drive and step into the house. There’s a smashed vase on the ground.
“Dad has been.”
The note I’d left on the counter had been scrunched up and smoothed back out again. He’d written ‘okay, sorry I knocked over the vase on the way in’. A lie. This had all the signs of outrage.
Austin took the note out of my hand and threw it away.
“I’ll get it cleaned up.” He offered “Go take a shower.” He kissed me on my forehead. I looked at my phone. 8 missed calla and a text message from dad.
“That Russo kid best not be messing with your head.” ‘Which one?’ I thought.

I stood in the showers for what felt like hours, replaying these new memories, wishing I hadn’t remembered some of them. I let the gentle humming of the shower unit settle my nerves and felt the gentle pressure of the water relieve some of the tension I carried in my shoulders. I still could not still my mind from its persistent unease. I thought carefully about what the connection could be to my dad. Was there anything I’ve missed? Me. Ned. Bennie. Austin. My dad? Could he really have known what happened between Bennie and Ned? Did he really know Bennie? Does that mean he knows Austin? Does Austin know more than he’s letting on.
‘Russo kid’ I suddenly remembered. The blood pulsing between my ears as mind erupted in alarm. Dad said Russo, I’d never told him his full name. I drew my attention back to the room and turned off the shower. Once the soothing murmur of the cascading water had ended, there was another sound. Some commotion, things smashing.
“What did you do to her?!” I heard Austin shout. I put my robe on and ran out.

Austin had my dad pinned up against the wall.
“Why did you make her think she’d killed her husband?!” He snarled.
Dad was nervous it was obvious. Yet he still tried to act as though he had the upper hand; he scoffed, “I don’t know what you’re talking ab..”
Austin about took his nose clean off his face with a right hook. I covered my mouth with my hands. Instinct had me ready to tell him to stop, but I didn’t want him to. He readjusted his grip on his shirt and threw him back against the wall.
“Why?! Why are you protecting Bennie?!” He spat.
“Who’s Bennie?” He asked. He turned to me “Can you tell this thug to let me go? I think he broke my nose.”
“How did you know his name was Russo?” I asked.
“Wha..?” He shrugged, “you told me yesterday.”
“No I didn’t dad.” An acceptance fell upon his face as he realised I’d wised up to him.
Austin hit him again. “Why are you protecting Bennie?” He spat.
Dad laughed. “You think I give a shit about Bennie?!” He spat blood in Austin’s face. Austin turned away. Dad went to hit him but Austin ducked and caught him with he’s knee . Dad crumbled in a heap on the floor. He kicked him again. I felt suddenly out of body. My father, the person who I’d thought had been protecting me over the past few years, being physically assaulted by the man I loved. My head nor heart could make sense of what was happening. I felt so torn.
“Austin!” I said before he kicked again.
Dad looked. “The darling fucking daughter, as vacant as a missing tooth, suddenly decides to wake up.”
Austin looked at me for permission to kick him again. I gave a slight nod. Dad recoiled with the impact.
He coughed “What are you doing with this murderer? You know he killed his own father? And you. Tut tut. You killed your own husband.”
“No dad. I didn’t! I remember now it was Bennie.
Bennie killed his dad too.”
He laughed acting the fool, “Bennie who?” He looked at me. “Trust you to get involved like this. Only you could accidentally meet a man on death row, stab his brother, who happens to be the same person who killed your husband. He’s so pissed about that you know!” he smiled, his teeth red with the blood pouring from his nose. “The idiot thought you’re little visit had something to do with me. We spoke yesterday, once he was out of jail.”
“He’s out?” Austin and I both asked in the same moment.
“Thought I was trying to frame him for killing his dad. I couldn’t let the man go about thinking I’d do such a thing!” He revelled in the confusion on both our faces.
“What are you talking about? I saw him shoot him.” Austin yelled in increasing frustration.
He shrugged his shoulder theatrically. “If only someone had seen. If only someone was still alive to tell the tale.”
“Is that why Bennie killed Ned? Ned saw didn’t he?” I asked.
“You can ask Bennie yourself, he’ll be here soon enough” he smiled wickedly.
I looked at Austin in panic. I remembered the hate and anger in his eyes as he tightened his grip around my throat. I’d seen him kill someone I’d loved before, I couldn’t let that happen again.
“Austin let’s just go. I can’t see him again.”
He looked torn for a moment. Wanting to do the right thing for me, wanting to find out what happens, wanting to get his hands on Bennie at long last. He knew Bennie was a loose cannon. “Go get dressed he said”.

I rushed to the bedroom and threw on whatever clothes I could find. I filled a bag as quickly as I could. I couldn’t concentrate on what I needed. I emptied two drawers as quickly as I could and stuffed everything in a bag. Who knows if anything is picked was of any use. My memory replayed the moment Bennie held Ned in the bath, but this time it was Austin. I needed to get back to him.

When I came back father was on the floor again. Austin was breathless and bandaging up his knuckles. As I watched him I felt like I was living that “You’re so cool,” moment from True Romance. I should be outraged and horrified. But I wasn’t. I loved everything about him. I went over to him. He held me around my waist and my caressed my face.
“What a mess” he said, “I thought I had baggage” we both laughed a sad, slightly hysterical laugh.
“I’ve packed a bag, let’s just go! Please! I want to go back to that feeling when I picked you up the other day, or when we first met at the shop.”

“Ooh where are we going?” a cold voice rang out from the foyer. Bennie.

***

He saw father lying on the ground in a heap. Bennie started laughing.
“How the mighty have fallen! Did she stab you too?” His feigned jovialness turned sinister. He stopped laughing as he looked at me.
“Ah Bennie, have you met my daughter?” Dad said through breathless brakes. His face a swollen mess. His blood stained shirt torn and a shoe missing. His forced ribbing with Bennie made my blood boil. I looked at Austin, he was watching Bennie like a lion stalking it’s prey.
“Once or twice, the first time was a lot more fun!” He sneered. Austin lunged at him but Bennie was sharp, he stepped out of the way. I hold onto Austin, for my protection and his.
“What’s up bro? Mad that I saw you’re girl naked before you did?” while Bennie was trying, and succeeding to intimidate me, Austin connected with a left jab on the side of his head. Bennie stumbled a bit in my direction and grabbed me around me neck with his right arm, his left hand held me by my forehead.
“If you want me to snap her neck keep going.” He threatened. Austin stopped himself knowing Bennie wasn’t all talk.
“See there I was, thinking you were coming after me for your husbands murder.” He growled in my ear. “So as you can imagine, I was puzzled to say the least when I find out you’ve been snooping in my family business! You weren’t there for your spouse at all, you were there about my father. Hours I spend picking at this scab,” he gestured to the a scar on his abdomen where I’d stabbed him, “wondering why you’d do such a thing as to stab me like that. Wondering what I’d do to you in return, how I’d do it. Must be the Doc I thought. After everything, daring to send me down! That can’t be it, I thought, your old man ain’t that dumb. Then I he pays my bail, tells me all about how, or who, my dear brother is doing since getting out. A bizzare coincidence I’ll give you that.” He lets my go and shoves me in Austin’s direction. He looks Austin in the eyes. They’re silent for a few moments. Both getting angrier by the second as they stare each other down. Suddenly they break out into a brawl. Bennie is quick, gets the upper hand on Austin, but Austin has had nothing to do but defend himself for the past 7 years. He overpowers Bennie and starts pummelling him. “THIS IS FOR POP” He yells.
Bennie somehow pushes him off staggering to his feet and wiping his lip. “I didn’t fucking kill him! I wish I had, don’t get me wrong! I’d have happily done it.”
Breathless Austin asks “What?!”
“I was after you, you fucking idiot. Pop jumps in and saves his precious son! Except my bullet didn’t kill him. It probably rendered him useless. The boss killed him!” Bennie adds. We both look at Bennie confused. He points at father on the ground. He’s propped up against the wall, a triumphant smile across his face, hands in the air as if to say ta-da.
“If that pencil necked husband of yours hadn’t have been stupid enough to threaten me with a video of my being there,” dad panted, “none of this would have got so messy.”
Austin’s face was furious. I barely recognised him. “But you were there Bennie!!”
“Yeah I was there! I was there on Doc’s orders. See turns out one of the cars you and pop hijacked had been one of the Doc’s deliveries. Doc was obviously angry about that, but furious that pop had the balls to go ahead and sell it on, on our patch.” Bennie explained.
“We were on our way to settle things,” dad adds. “Whether that be recruiting him or killing him. Either way we’d need to get rid of you first. But by time I’d got there he was damaged goods. We put him down like a race horse” dad laughs a menacing laugh. I felt sick. It’s cut short as Austin knees him in the face.
“Turns out I hadn’t completely cleared the area.” Bennie continued “Didn’t think you two were organised enough for an accountant!”
I looked toward my father “You had me believe I’d killed him? Made him out to be abusive?! Just to cover your tracks?”
“Oh shit!” Bennie laughed, “you convinced her she’d done it. No wonder she was so gormless when she came to me. I knew you were bad.” he laughed. “I didn’t realise you could be that evil.” They both laughed. “Was Cargle in on this?” Dad nodded. “He’ll do anything for money!” Bennie added, dead pan. It went quiet.

“Yeah, that was probably my fault too.” Bennie joked. “See I didn’t realise you lived with the accountant. Even papa bear hear didn’t know you were married.” He laughed, “I seemed to be leaving a trail of witnesses. Think I’d been sampling too many products.” He winks. “So I take my grievances to daddy dearest. He never told me you’d be there, I wasn’t happy! Even Doc don’t like my angry do you Doc?” He didn’t pause long enough for dad to answer. “So he offered to clean up this mess, said he has some new mind - truth- control thingy he wants to try. I say go ahead, but if this comes back to bite me, I’m ready to bite back”. He looks at my dad in a heap on the floor. He scoffs to himself and shakes his head.

“Hey Austin, bet you didn’t know pop was peddling meth on the doctors patch.” Austin said nothing.
“See,” said Bennie, “the Doc here runs this town. Doc couldn’t have that could you Doc? “
“Mm-mm” he replied nodding his finger from side to side.

Austin grabbed Bennie and threw him against the wall, “Pop never sold that meth and you know it!” He spat.

Bennie brought a finger up to his temple, over acting the process of thinking. “You know. Now you mention it.” He shrugs himself loose from Austin. “I think it was me. Yeah! I sold that meth.” Bennie looks at dad and starts laughing. “Oops!” He’s manic. Dad finds it hard to speak now. He slowly shakes his head. I don’t know if this was news to him.

Bennie sits himself on the stool next to the breakfast bar, lights himself a cigarette. Austin and I are stood, our hands are clasped together as he stands a little in front of me. Dad is still on the floor. Wheezing.

“So here we all are. What happens now?” Austin asks.
“Doc?” Bennie asks, knowing dad won’t be able to answer. Austin shift uncomfortably, almost as though he’s angry dad couldn’t put up more of a fight.
“No? Okay, I’ll sort it,” Bennie interjects quite happily. “Pretty simple really for such a complicated mess. We remove the problem.” He pulls out a switch blade from his pocket, which instantly sets my heart racing. He closes one eye and stares down the blade in Austin’s direction. “One of you is being an incredibly weak link and could unravel this whole thing.” He slides it across to aim at me. “Not fit for purpose really.”

“Bennie” a croaky wheeze calls out from the corner. “Help me up.”
Bennie went over to him, grab his hand, pulled him half way, then dropped him.
“Hmm.” Bennie rubs his chin. Austin had picked up a kitchen knife while Bennies back was turned. “Can’t help yourself up old man? Sounds like weak link activity to me.” he continued. “After all, who was it that wrongly shot and killed Papa Russo, in front of a witness? Placed all his faith in his ridiculously elaborate plan of mind control? Pumped his daughter’s bank account full of money for her to buy her little lover boy a new lawyer? and put all his trust in the most easily bought man in the country?”

Confused Austin and I both stopped in our tracks. Dad’s faces looked ashamed following his dressing down. He studied Bennie’s face, waiting for Bennie to change the mood again. “What are you talking about Bennie?” He ask trying to regain some dominance.
“While you’ve been busy panicking about these two, Cargle has been busy emptying your accounts keeping half for himself, transferring the widows ex-lovers video of the shooting to me and flying to Mexico with his wife and daughter.” Bennie laughed. “He’ll do anything for money!” he repeated.

Dad said nothing, just sat there in his shallow breath. Rolling over and admitting defeat. Bennie pointed at Austin, “Help me with this sack of shit.” He commanded. Austin didn’t move. “I don’t take orders from you.” He mumbled.

Bennie leaned over my dad, getting as close to his face as he could. “I’m the boss now”. He jumped back up. “You hear that brother?” He swaggered closer, until they stood toe to toe. Through gritted teeth he declared, “I’m the boss now.” Austin stilled, then head butted him. Bennie hit the ground, cradling his head in his hands. Austin walked over to my father and took his arm around his shoulder, then waited for Bennie to pick himself up and get the other side. They took him out the door and to his car. Austin came back inside, followed by Bennie,
“We’re not done lover boy. I need your help with this.” He walked back out and revved the engine of dads car.
Austin turned to me. Kissed me and picked up the kitchen knife again. Tucking it into his belt hook. I looked at him with horror in my eyes as I realised he intended to kill Bennie.
“Austin!” I pleaded. “Don’t!”
He came back to me and held my face, “He’s not going tot leave us alone, you realise that? He’s not done with me, or you! You heard him! He’s alone, no goons with him. If I don’t do this now, he’ll get us another time.”

In this moment I realised I had a choice to make.

Your choice here effects the ending for the story.

Choice A

I start to cry. Tears roll down m face as I realise I may not see him again. “Promise me you’ll come back. I can’t loose you!” He wipes away the tears on my face. “I promise!” he says as he tries to not let me see the tears building in his eyes too. He kisses me on the forehead and walks out the door. I hear the car door shut and the car speed down the drive. I’m alone with my thoughts.

If you choose this root, go to chapter 13 (coming soon)

Choice B

‘I can’t let him risk everything and end up dead or inside again. Id rather die’ I think to myself.
“Austin wait! In my bedroom. One of the drawers, there’s a gun.” I lie. Austin’s walks toward the bedroom, when I was sure he couldn’t see me, i made a silent run for the door and into the car with Bennie.

If you choose this route, go to chapter 14 (Coming soon)

Chapter Text

I stood alone in the house. Still. Preparing to process all that had just happened, yet clinging on to the silence of the moment. I looked around, the glow from outside becoming dimmer the longer I stood there. The house I’d once loved felt cold and uninviting. The reality of everything it witnessed forever etched into it’s memory. I realised that I wasn’t crying, I was surprised. Nothing in this moment seemed real, and yet it all felt like it was destined to happen. How could I have been so stupid to let everything get this deep? Did I imagine this too? If it wasn’t for the chaos of broken furniture where Austin and Bennie had a brawl, or the splatters of my dads blood all across the floor, I’d be sure I’d imagined it all. I thought about Austin, leaving with Bennie, a knife with him. I remembered Bennie had a switchblade, and what else could he have? I felt sick at the realisation that I may never see him again. I tried to bury that thought and be strong. This isn’t how this ends!

I started picking up furniture and placing what wasn’t broken back in it’s right place. What was broken I carried out the front door and threw in a pile. I checked my phone again and again. Nothing. I swept up debris and broken glass. I realised I’d paused to look deep into space, regretting that I’d let Austin go like that. I should have gone. I checked my phone: nothing. I don’t know what I could have done but I knew I couldn’t live with myself if anything happened to him. This was supposed to be his second chance. I checked my phone. I carried on sweeping.

The smell of unfamiliarity and metallic blood prickled my nose. I got the bleach and scrubbed the floors. I stopped and closed my eyes, remembering the the look of relief on his face when I picked him up from prison, those heart melting smiles we shared at the restaurant, our first date, the time we spent talking about memories sat on the hood of the car. I realised I was smiling. That’s what I wanted to remember. Moments of pure happiness. I opened my eyes to the darkness and bleakness of the room. I wasn’t prepared to turn on the lights. The darkness felt comforting for now

I hopelessly tried to phone Austin. It didn’t ring.

After everything was back in its right place, and cleaner that it had ever been, I lay on the couch. I was so tired. I could count the hours sleep I’d had since picking Austin up from prison on one hand. I was starting to feel dizzy and delirious. My eyes burned with tiredness. I looked at the clock. 5:30am. I blinked. Still 5:30am. My eyes fought against my willingness to stay awake and wait for Austin. I opened my eyes again 11:12am. Shit I thought! How did that happen, I felt no more refreshed. “Austin?” I called out realising he wasn’t back yet. I sat up and looked up to the kitchen. And there he was, at the balcony, looking down to me.

Austin made his way down the steps. I stood up, too fast I stated to feel dizzy. He gently held my face in his hands as he brushed my hair behind my ear. His bandaged hand felt a little rough against my skin, it’s imperfection reassuring me that this was not a dream! I could feel my eyes welling up.
“I was worried I’d never see you again.” I said, not taking my eyes off him for a moment. He kissed me tenderly. Tears in his eyes too. “Is Bennie..?” He shook his head. “But we made a deal. Now we can enjoy our time together, just us.” I thought for a moment of those memories we’d promised each other that we’d make. My thoughts were interrupted. What kind of deall? Did I really want to know? Did I need to know? Austin sat on the couch and pulled me towards him. His head pressed into my midrif.
“I love you so much!”
I don’t need to know the deal, not right now, I just want to leave this all behind and move on.
“I love you too.” I say as I stroke his hair. “Although, I was starting to feel a little left out!”
“What do you mean?” he asked as he started to kiss me across my stomach, making his way up to stand, he started kissing my neck.
“Seeing you pin so many people up against the wall the past few days. I was starting to wonder when it would be my turn.” Austin doned his smirk, but his eyes smouldered. As he picked my up by the thighs and pressed me against the wall, the chill of the surface making my hair stand on end. My hands rested clasp at the back of his neck. He lowered me to the ground and pinned my arms above my head.
“Be careful what you wish for!“ he teased as he he unbuttoned my jeans and slipped his hand down.

Chapter Text

I pull the car door closed, Bennie turns to look at me, he huffs and rolls his eyes as he locks the doors. My dad slumped in the backseat.

As Bennie sped off down the drive I looked in the wing mirror and saw Austin running out of the house, anger pouring out of him. He chases us down the drive. The guilt I feel starts to eat at me and I hope that all that frustration radiating out of him would cool soon. I get my phone out and started to text him.

“I’m so sorry. I couldn’t let u...”

Bennie snatches the phone from my hand and throws it out of his window. I watch as it tumbled down the side of the cliff.

“Did no one tell you it’s rude to text in the passenger seat?”

A panic sets in as I realise I’m alone with him, with no way of contacting anyone, let alone Austin.

“To what do I the pleasure of your company?” Bennie asks sarcastically.

“Austin would have killed you.” I say. He laughs and shakes his head.
“No sweetheart, he’d have TRIED to kill me. Let me tell you something about lover boy. He’s too controlled by his emotions. He can’t hold back. He’s got no chance out here kid! I really thought prison would have seen him a changed man, I’d heard he was avoiding trouble, thought maybe he’d learnt to hone in on his rage, but clearly not.” He gestures to the bleeding lump of meat on the backseat.
“Besides, what makes you think I wouldn’t have killed him? Or you?” I keep calm.

“Please Bennie!” I began to plead “We’ll stay away, we’ll drop all of this. Just let us be alone!” Bennie adopts a feigned sorrowful look.
“Ah bless!” He adds.
“Austin’s been in prison for 7 years! Don’t you think he’s suffered enough?”
“He’s not suffered anywhere near enough!” Bennie interrupts angrily. He pushed hard on the accelerator and I grip onto the passenger door as we hurtle around the bends.
“Austin did nothing his whole life other than make me feel left out of he and fathers little father son prefect fucking duo! Both of them too dumb to realise I would always be the one with the most promise. They always looked down on me, said I was going off the rails, but look at them now. One is 6 feet under, one has been festering in an iron cage for 7 years. He’ll back in the house soon enough, or if he’s lucky, he’ll be reunited with his beloved pop!” He smirked. “He’s always been a tumour in my business. But you know what you do with tumours? You cut them out!”

I involuntary found myself laughing. The audacity of his words, the bizarre twists and turns I’ve endured over the past few days, the sheer lack of sleep and a rollercoaster of emotions found me in some kind of peaceful hysteria. Bennie looked at me quizzically.
“Don’t fucking laugh at me,” Bennie threatened.
“I’m sorry!” I said, realising I’d touched a nerve. “It’s just... never mind” I try not to laugh again. Delirium seems to have taken over me senses, primarily my common sense. “It’s just, all of this over daddy issues?” I laugh and watch Bennies reaction. “I mean, I thought I had daddy issues, but you..” I feel as though I’m watching from buried deep within my consciousness. What was I thinking?! Bennies face looks as though he’s smelt something repugnant. I feel my body shift violently as Bennie pulls on the hand brake, bringing the car to an ubrupt spinning holt in the middle of the road. I feel a cold sharp point at my throat. Dad mumbles something from the back. I’m not sure if it was because the sudden break had him tumble out of the seat or because there was knife pressed into my neck.
“Are you really playing this game girl?”
“Bennie.” I start to speak with a growing sense of confidence, or recklessness. “We both know you’re not going to kill me. You’re too smart for that. The man who paid for your bail; beaten, his daughter who provided evidence against you; dead.”
He’s breathing heavily against my cheek. He starts to laugh.
“Turns our your girl is brighter than you” he mocks my father, but still has the knife pressed against me.
“We can make a deal” I suggest. He’s silent, thinking, while he holds the cold blade against me skin. I feel it nick my skin a little, and then a warm drop of blood trickles down my neck.
He moves the knife away and licks up the blood from my neck before restart the engine and driving off. I shudder at the thought of making a deal with the devil.

***

On the journey, Bennie tells me all about my dads’s mistakes. He revels in them, he’s clearly learnt from them. I have no interest, but he seems to thrive off knowing my dad has no choice but to listen to this dressing down, no energy to retaliate. He told me how he got too drunk on power, didn’t think he needed to do any hard work himself, thought he was untouchable, thought everyone was so loyal to him, thought he was God, he gestures to me, I knowingly acknowledge that he’s referring to his attempt at mind control. “And look, one chance meeting with me and poof! It all unravels! You got so sloppy Doc!” He shouts to the ghost of a man in the back. “Everyone is going to be so thrilled when they see you’ve toppled off your throne. Best part is? I didn’t even have to touch him!” He laughs at the irony that his brother did all the dirty work and Bennie swooped in to claim the reward. Bennie tells me how Cargle wasn’t a psychologist at all, and laughs that I fell for it. He was his right hand man until he got bored. Bennie made him an offer he couldn’t refuse.

We arrive at my dad’s home. A huge homestead. I can’t believe I thought psychology paid for this place.
“What are you going to do to him?” I ask as some of Bennies cronies drag him out of the car.
“Do you care?” He asks.
He’s my father I remind myself, through it all he still provided you with a home.
“No.” I replied, realising I found it so comfortable to be unashamedly open with Bennie.

Bennie takes me up to dad’s office, his office now, he sits at his desk and puts his feet up on the table. I roll my eyes at this cliche of a villain. Bennie catches me doing it. He laughs. “I think I’m starting to like you.” He says. I remind the night of Ned’s murder. I say nothing. He gestures to the chair opposite. I sit.
“So you want a deal.”
“If that’s what it takes.”
He thinks for a while.
“Fine,” he finally agrees. “Austin works for me. He does 15 jobs and if he does them well, I’ll leave you both alone.”
“Jobs?”
“Yeah jobs.”
I hesitate. Hating to sound completely neive to the whole thing. “What kind of jobs?”
“Jobs he’s no stranger to. The kind he should be locked up for.”
“As in...?”
“Oh dear!” He exclaimed. “Has lover boy not told you the grim detail of his sordid past?”
It’s come up in conversation, we never got into the specifics. “Of course he has.” I say with complete uncertainty. “So, jobs that could see him back in prison?” Bennie shrugs his shoulders.
“Depends! If he does a good job, he’s not going to get caught is he?!”
“No! No way! I’m not putting him through that again. I’ll do them, I’ll work for you.”
“You?” Bennie laughed, “Fucking hell! You? I’ve seen you in times of turmoil sweetheart, you freeze like a goat!” He continues to laugh. He’s not wrong, I thought.
“But,” I interrupt, “here I am striking a deal with a hardened and ruthless criminal.”
Bennie stops to think. “Fine, he does 15, you do 5, ones that he’s too dumb to do.”
“He does 5 and I’ll do 5.” I add, my heart pounding in my ears. He smiles at my brazen boldness.
“He does 10!” It’s final, Bennie spits into his hand. I do too. He smirks at the fact I’d clearly never spat in my own hand before. We shake on it.

“Are you going to take me home now?” I ask in a desperate rush to get away.

“I’m a busy guy now toots! Got an empire to manage. Get Chopper to take you back.” He waves me off.
“Who is Chopper? Where can I find him?”
“Oh you can’t miss him, big guy, broad shoulders, broken nose, cauliflower ear, this big old scar that goes from his lip to his eyebrow.”
I nod, slightly scared by the description. I turn to walk out and find this ogre.
“Yeah he’s out right now, he’ll be back tomorrow evening.” Bennie says as though being helpful
“What?! No I need to get home now! Austin will be...”
“... losing his mind? Yeah I know!” He smiles looking off into the distance as though imagining his brother pacing and punching his fists through walls just as I was. “Think of it as a lesson in negotiation.” He adds. “And don’t be so fucking cocky next time.” He walks past me and out of the room, slamming the door behind him. He comes back. “Oh and don’t forget to ask Chopper what happened to his face.”

***

After hours of wandering the house, trying to think of a way to get home, I eventually admit defeat and make my way to one of the spare bedrooms. I stumble upon the room I woke up in after Ned’s death. I couldn’t remember much because of the head injury. But being in the room suddenly brought back memories I’d lost. I did remember Ned when I first woke up, I remember being married to him. We got married in Vegas. We’d only just met, it was good in the beginning, but it fizzled so quickly. I think of all the lies dad had told me. I remember being so confused when he said Ned had beaten me. I remember being so afraid that I’d go to prison. I remember feeling as though my dad was the only person I could trust.
I picked up a framed picture of me, I was a child, about 8. It was my birthday. I sat at the table, party hat on, cake on the table. No guests. I threw it against the wall. I picked up anything that would make a sound and threw it, as hard as I could. The shattering and pounding noises helped me finally vent out some pent up rage! Years of it. I stopped only when I realised I’d cut my hand. I wandered the house to find something I could bandage myself up with. I found a towel and tore it up.

Eventually I found myself outside, wrapped in a thick blanket on a pool lounger. The sun was beginning to peak up over the horizon. I felt my eyes growing heavier. I could count the hours sleep I’d had since picking Austin up from prison on one hand.

Before I’d even registered I’d fallen asleep. I noticed that I couldn’t breath, I was suffocating in my blanket, everything felt slow but light. ‘I’m drowning.’ I panicked as I realised I was in the pool. I kicked hard to get the blanket off me, so that I could make sense of what was up and down. I got free. I noticed two figures stood by the pool. I swam up to the surface.

“Wakey, wakey happy campers!” Bennie shouted. “Seeing as you made me laugh yesterday, I’ve decided to let you go home early.” The sun was up, it was at least early afternoon. I must have slept for a few hours. “This is Chopper.” He was twice the size of Bennie, his face was just as Bennie had described, almost melted out of shape. “Sorry, Chopper doesn’t have much of a bedside manner.” He said as he gestured to the state of me as I dragged myself out of the pool. I was shivering.
“I’ll be in touch.” Bennie said as he handed me a new phone.

***

The drive to mine took about an hour. Chopper said nothing the whole journey. We were a few minutes from home. My phone lit up. A message from Bennie.
“Go on, ask him about his face.”
I thought for a moment. Although it felt rude, I decided it was best to ask. This could be a test from Bennie.
“What happened to your face?” There was no point sugaring the pill. I’m sure he was used to it from working with Bennie.
“Your boyfriend fucked me up a few years back.” Wow, I thought. I knew he had anger issues but this looked like the work of a rabid dog.
“Wow. Well what had you done?”
“Me? I rode a motorcycle. He highjacked me and stole my bike.” I said nothing else.
Austin had told me he’d done some awful things in his past, now I was beginning to wonder just how awful.

Chopper dropped me at the end of my drive. I was almost dry. I walked toward the house, the image of Austin attacking a man to steal his bike etched into my imagination. Then there he was. Sat on the porch with his head cradled in his hands. He looks up when he heard my footsteps. A weight lifted off his shoulders and a smile of relief grew across his face. My worries about him began to melt. He ran over to me and scooped me up. It felt good to be back together. Bennie mad Chopper must have been lying. This man was incapable of such savagery. I think.

“I was so worried. Don’t ever do something so stupid again. Are you hurt? What did he do to you?”
“No, I’m fine!” I say, subconsciously hiding the nick on my neck.

“Did he do this?” He demanded as he holds up my bandaged hand
“You should have seen the other guy!” I joked. Austin’s expression clearly not in the mood for jokes. “No. I just ... had my final therapy session. It wasn’t Bennie.”
“So what happened? Bennie doesn’t just turn the other cheek.”
We walk inside. Austin had cleaned up the mess that was left from the showdown.
“So” I start. “Bennie and I made a deal.”
“A deal? What do you mean?” He asks apprehensively.
“Bennie agreed to leave us alone, and never bother us again if...” already Austin is losing his cool.
“... you work for him for a a short while”. Austin walks away from me, his shoulders tensing with anger.
“You should have let me go!”
“No!”
“You’ve not idea what you’ve done.”
“Austin! You know if you’d have gotten in that car you would have been on your way back to prison by now.”
“I’d rather be back in prison than working for Bennie”. He snaps
“Well if you fuck up working for Bennie then don’t worry, you’ll be right back in there again!” I surprised myself by my crassness. But I was tired, I wanted this to end. I’d tried my best. Austin stepped toward me, his breathing shallow, I stood strong. I did what I had to do.
“You even sound like him.” He seethed.
Austin walked off and slammed
The bedroom door behind him. The spare bedroom.

Chapter Text

A few months have past since the deal was made with Bennie. It took Austin a long time to forgive me for getting in the car with Bennie that day. Tensions were so high for so long, and for the longest time he blamed me entirely for him having to work for his brother, kept reminding me about how awful it was. Bennie hadn’t made it easy on Austin. The 10 jobs he’d chosen for him were not simple, one nighters. They were full blown operations that could take days or weeks meaning he had very little time to find the work he wanted to do. And worst of all, sometimes they were dull or tedious tasks, such as selling weed to a bunch of high school kids. It took me a while to tell Austin that I’d be working with Bennie too. As expected, it didn’t go down too well. Austin as ever let his emotions take over, drove to Bennies and got into a fight with some of Bennies guys.

Most work I’d done for Bennie was in and around his home. He needed help taking hold and securing finances without drawing too much attention to himself. If I’m honest, I think he just liked having me around. He loved reminding me how much of an emotional idiot Austin was. There were times when he’d have me pose as his wife or girlfriend when meeting other gang leaders or big wigs to talk business. I was never really needed, I think it was more to piss Austin off. He’d send me revealing dresses to wear and address them to Austin, along with a suggestive note. Deep down, I had to admit, I found it funny.

I’d ended up doing more work for Bennie than we’d first agreed. The truth was found him fascinating. He’d flit from being a whiny little bitch, moaning about his brother and his father, to a master puppeteer at the heart of a large criminal network at the blink of an eye. For some reason he liked to talk to me a lot, he began to show a vulnerable side, a side I realised he’d probably never shown anyone before.

As the dust began to settle Austin and I eventually started to rekindle our fledgling relationship. We’d both said and done things that we regretted in the stress and upset of the situation we found ourselves in. Austin’s temper was unpredictable sometimes. Don’t get me wrong I love make up sex, but when this man is 100% invested in you, you’re in trouble - in the best possible way. We were all each other had. Once we’d really realised that, and started to accept the situation as the best of the absolute worst situation we finally started to see each other for who we were again. Yes life was pretty fucked up, but we had each other, and that’s all we really wanted.

The day of his last job came. Bennie had promised me it would be a quick one.
“Just one day I promise! You can have him back after that. I’ll have no need for him.”
“In one piece?” I asked, half joking.
“Fine.” He agreed. There was a moment of silence between us.
“Here” he said, handing me a flash drive.
“What’s this?”
“It’s all your ‘therapy’ sessions your dad has recorded. I’d say it was an interesting listen but your life was so vanilla I think I did you a favour mixing you up in a life of crime.”
I smiled at him and took the drive.
“What makes you think I ever told Cargle anything interesting about my life?” He smiled, I smiled. “Goodbye Bennie.” I left.

***

I reached home, Austin wasn’t back yet. I looked around the space, it felt different. Cold and tainted with the memories of everything we’d been through. I sat looking at my exposed cliff wall. The moss had died, I’d had no time to care for it.
I heard Austin come home. I ran up the stairs excited that we were finally done. This was our time! His nose was bleeding, his jaw was swollen and he had grazes all across his arms and his back. His shirt was hanging on by a thread.
“Oh my God Austin! What happened?” I asked as I got a bag of frozen peas and started to get some wet towels.
“Chopper!” He said through his swollen lip, “It’s his birthday, I guess I was the birthday present.”
I got to work cleaning him up. He sat on the stool. I stood in front of him as a dabbed his face. He put his hands on my hips and pulled me closer.
“And what did you do to him?” I asked wondering what sort of state he’d be in.
“Nothing.” He replied. “Feel like I probably deserved this, what I did to him, how I’ve been treating you.” I smiled at him and kissed him. He flinched. I pulled back.
“Are you hurt anywhere else?” I asked.
“Nothing major, don’t think I’ll be sleeping on my right side for a while, but good otherwise.”

“Good!” as I said as I unzipped his jeans and dropped to my knees.

***

A year later Austin and I had sold the house. We’d moved to the foot of the hills, deciding not to be so isolated from the city. We’d bought a small cabin near the woods, a run down little place where I could work on creating something for the both of us. I was back working for the city planning department. Austin had found it hard to find work. Being an ex-con is no easy feat, especially with such a long dubious gap between prison and finding work. No one was willing to give him the break he so desperately needed and deserved, so he started working independently, fixing and and building bikes from our home. 100% legal this time.

I hear Austin’s truck pull up outside. He’d been into town to drop off a bike for someone, but he’d left hours ago. He came in, all excited.
“I’ve got something to show you!” Austin takes his shirt off to show me his new tattoo. Just under his left pectoral, wrapping around his side is a beautiful script of
‘Stone Walls Do Not A Prison Make’.
I look at it and smile warmly as I remember him sending me the poem once from prison. Speckled around it are light scars from his tumultuous past.
“It’s beautiful.” I say as I instinctively go to touch it. He recoils.
“No! Not yet! Still sore as fuck babe.” He warns. I laugh.
“You can’t take your shirt off to show me a sentimental piece then not let me touch you.” He smiles and holds my hand, pulling to rest on the centre of his chest. I feel his heart beat as we both lose ourselves in each other’s eyes.
“I thought you didn’t do relationship tattooes”.
“For you I’ve made an exception. It reflects how you saved me from prison, in more ways than one, but also it’s taken on new meaning to me recently. I may have been behind stone walls and iron bars, but you were imprisoned in your mind and your thoughts. I’m not sure which is harder to escape.”
I tear up as I appreciate the empathy and the gesture. Especially given our tough time working for Bennie and being constantly reminded of how the deal I’d made was worse than prison.
“It’s really beautiful.” I say.
“Best bit: It was free too! My friend Blake did it, we went to school together. You should have seen his face, he had no idea I was out. He’s got his own studio now”.
“Blake? Blake Bailey?”
“Yeah, you know him?” He registers the disgruntled expression on my face “... oh you KNOW him!” He laughed.
“You know you’ve got a lot to thank him for. The week before I swiped right on you I had a date with Blake and he ghosted me. Things could have been different for you and I.” I taunted, trying hard not to blush as I thought of the things we did on our date.
“Oh man Blake is a dog! What were you doing with him.” We both laugh. “I hope you don’t think of him every time you see my tattoos now, he did loads of my pre-prison tattoos!”
“There is no way -at all- that I’m thinking about that fuck boy when this” I gesture to the whole of him, “is in front of me.”
Austin threads his hands between my arms and my sides and slips his hands into my back pockets. He pulls me close and I nuzzle into his neck.

He smells like he’s been working all day, engine oil and chalk, and I couldn’t be happier. 

Chapter Text

A year later Austin and I had sold the house. We’d moved to the foot of the hills, deciding not to be so isolated from the city. We’d bought a small cabin near the woods, a run down little place where I could work on creating something for the both of us. The money we’d made selling the old house we used to start to make a whole load of memories for ourselves. We travelled a fair bit, spent an entire summer in a hut by the sea in the Caribbean. We had only ourselves, a bed and a grill, and we were so happy living in our little perfect bubble. Each morning we’d watch the sunrise, swim in the sea, eat, drink, fuck, surf, watch the sunset, sleep, repeat. It was a far cry from the chaos we’d endured. We’d considered staying there. Sometimes we wish we had, but money started running dry. Every day smelt like coconut, sun block and rum.

I was back working for the city planning department. Austin had found it hard to find work. Being an ex-con is no easy feat. No one was willing to give him the break he so desperately needed and deserved, so he started working independently, fixing and and building bikes from our home. 100% legal this time.

I hear Austin’s truck pull up outside. He’d been into town to drop off a bike for someone, but he’d left hours ago. . He comes in, all excited.
“I’ve got something to show you!” Austin takes his shirt off to show me his new tattoo. Just under his left pectoral, wrapping around his side is a beautiful script of
‘Stone Walls Do Not A Prison Make’.
I look at it and smile warmly as I remember him sending me the poem once from prison. Speckled around it are light scars from his tumultuous past.
“It’s beautiful.” I say as I instinctively go to touch it. He recoils.
“No! Not yet! Still sore as fuck babe.” He warns. I laugh
“You can’t take your shirt off to show me a sentimental piece then not let me touch you.” He smiles and holds my hand, pulling to rest on the centre of his chest. I feel his heart beat as we both lose ourselves in each other’s eyes.
“I thought you didn’t do relationship tattooes”.
“For you I’ve made an exception. It reflects how you saved me from prison, in more ways than one, but also it’s taken on new meaning to me recently, I may have been behind stone walls and iron bars, but you were imprisoned in your mind and your thoughts. I’m not sure which is harder to escape.”
I tear up as I appreciate the empathy and the gesture.
“It’s really beautiful.”
“It was free too. My friend Blake did it, we went to school together. You should have seen his face, he had no idea I was out. He’s got his own studio now”.
“Blake? Blake Bailey?”
“Yeah, you know him?” He registers the disgruntled expression on my face “... oh you KNOW him!” He laughed.
“You know you’ve got a lot to thank him for. The week before I swiped right on you I had a date with Blake and he ghosted me. Things could have been different for you and I.” I taunted, trying hard not to blush as I thought of the things we did.
“Oh man Blake is a dog! What were you doing with him.” We both laugh. “I hope you don’t think of him every time you see my tattoos now, he did most of my pre-prison tattoos!”
“There is no way, at all. I’m thinking about that fuck boy when this” I gesture to the whole of him, “is in front of me.”
Austin threads his hands between my arms and my sides and slips his hands into my back pockets. He pulls me close and I nuzzle into his neck. He smells like he’s work, engine all and chalk. I couldn’t be happier if I tried.

Austin goes back outside to work on one of the bikes. I look through the kitchen cupboards finding inspiration for dinner. I’m lost in thought as I realise I just heard a car pull up outside. ‘I wonder who that is?’ I think to myself as I move from the cupboard to the refrigerator. I hear voices, but the hum of the refrigerator makes it difficult to hear.
“Mr Russo?” I hear. My heart jumps to my throat. I shut the refrigerator and walk over to the window.
“No,” I gasp.
“You’re under arrest for a possible connection to a murder.” He calmly drops to his knees and puts his hands behind his head.
I run outside.
“Austin!” I shout as I run toward him. He looks at me, a mixture of pain and acceptance. I drop to my knees in front of him.
“Please!” I beg to the officers “he didn’t do anything! Austin’s what the fuck is happening.”
“Ma’am” the officers say as they grab my arms to pull me away. A break loose and kiss him as long as I can before they pull me away again.
“Don’t cry.” He whispered, “guarda nel cassetto in alto.” I stop everything I do and hold that in my head. Fuck! Why didn’t I know Italian?
They guide him to the police car and load him into the back. I desperately search for him constantly. Wanting to hold on to the image of his face, he’s obscured by the car door. The lights reflecting off the window. I just want to see his face again. One more time. They leave.

After a few moments of sitting in the dirt in stunned silence I notice my lips repeating what he said over and over.
I ran inside and found my phone. I tried typing into google translate. My fingers fumbling making mistakes in their haste. Nothing! I try speaking into the keyboard, nothing. I scribbled it down as quickly as I could.
Did I know anyone who spoke Italian?
Eventually I calmed down enough to type it in. ‘Guardo cassetto’ I type ‘Look drawer’ “yes!” A look around the cabin. “Which fucking drawer?” I start to desperately rummage through them but there are what feels like hundreds of drawers considering Austins workshop too, and I wasn’t sure how urgent this was. I tried typing the next bit ‘inaldo’ why was this producing nothing! I picked up the phone and phoned an Italian restaurant.
“I’m really sorry I need some help with translating something ‘guardo cassetto inaldo.’” I said holding my breath waiting for an answer.
“Hang on.” a voice said. I tried not to breathe in case I missed it but each second felt like a life time.
“Hello?” An accented voice said
“Hi.” I waited,
“Can I take you’re order?”
“No! I’m sorry please I need help. It’s urgent.” I repeated the message.
“Ah! Err I look top drawer.”
“Oh my god thank you so much! Grazie.” I hung up the phone and pulled out every top drawer in the house.

For ages I searched, found nothing, then went through it all again. I found tools, medication, bandages, bills, letters, photos, still nothing. I sat in the middle of the chaos I’d created. And I saw it. The envelope that the deed for the BMW had come in. It looked thicker than it should.

I opened it up, inside was a wad of cash and an envelope with my name on. Austin’s beautiful scrawl. I held it up to my lips, I smelt it. Chalk. I pulled out a letter. It was dated about 3 weeks ago.

I’ve rewritten this letter every few months for you. I knew this day would come, I know you’ll be devastated but please don’t weep. For you to understand this truly, you’ll need to know what happened the night Bennie and l made a deal.

A big tear dropped onto the page and began to wash out the ink “No! Fuck please No!” I wafted the page desperately and dried my tears as much as I could before risking erasing anything else.

Bennie was always one step ahead of me. As much as I hate to admit it. After driving for so long he pulled up somewhere, a bunch of his cronies were there waiting for us. They pulled me and your father out and had us on our knees. He shot your father. Then aimed it at me. He said there was one bullet left, and he put it away saying he’d rather save that for you. Obviously I went ape shit. Didn’t go down to well. I had no choice, I begged him. I’d rather die than let anything happen to you. He had me bent over a barrel and gave me no choice. He made me a deal, I’d get rid of his problem, then he’d leave us alone. He sent off one of his guys back to yours told him he’d let him know when I’d done my part of the deal. Got his other guys to bundle your dad into the trunk, sent me to the gas station to fill up, knowing that there would be witnesses and probably video evidence of me with your fathers car. Then told me to drive to the next county, and push the car into a lake. And that was that. I’d have until the car was found and the evidence started to pile up against me.

It seemed the only option. I’d have done the same thing if it would only have guaranteed me just one more hour with you. When I’m with you, I know what it means to be happy. I always thought I knew what happy was, but with you, it was easy, it was bliss. The past year has been so perfect. I couldn’t have wished for a better life. Our time in the Caribbean felt like a dream, I had to pinch myself everyday. I still sometimes think it was a dream, and if you’re reading this letter, it means it’s time for that dream to end.

I will miss you, that I can’t deny, but I’ve done some things in my past that I was never tried for. If truth be told, I deserve to be behind bars. That doesn’t mean I’m ungrateful for the freedom you gifted me. It was an unbelievable adventure, and clearing my name of my fathers murder was so important to me. I have you, and only you to thank for that.

I’m sorry it had to be this way, I’m sorry I never told you this day would come, but it seemed to tell you this bubble would burst would be too cruel and would have you constantly worrying, fretting when the day would come. I could never put into words how much I love you. I love your weird and often poorly timed sense of humour. I love how eccentric you can be. I love that you love words. I love the way you remember scents. I love how fail to hide a smile when your trying to be cool, I love how you have a dimple in one cheek when you smile, but not the other. I love how every morning when you wake up, you can’t be normal and stretch out your arms, you have to be extra and do the splits. I love the way you look so concerned when you’re concentrating on a book. And I love the way you dance. Whenever I close my eyes, I see you dance and it fills me with unbridled joy. I will take with me my memories, and the love in my heart and please know, that I’m satisfied. You gave me a completely new lease on life, one I could never have imagined.

I don’t know what will come of this arrest. I can’t be sure I’ll get to see you again, I can not even suggest a future together. And so it is with this that I beg of you, to remember me, cherish our time together, but move on, find love again, it’s the very least you deserve.

 I hold it true, whate’er befall,

       I feel it, when I sorrow most;

       ‘Tis better to have loved and lost

Than never to have loved at all.

Austin

I put the letter down. For the first time in my life, I felt lonely.