Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

My fingers feel like frozen breakfast sausages as I walk to school holding my worn-out gloves.

All the other kids in sixth grade have brand new gloves with fancy designs and bows on them. I wish I had a pair with lions on them because Mr. Washington always tells me I have the spirit of a lion...

I can't ask my mom for new gloves though, she gets all quiet and sad when I ask for new things. I don't like seeing her upset, so I stopped asking a long time ago.

"Hey pipsqueak" I hear John yell from behind me

"Why'd you leave without me? We always walk to school together" he asks

"I couldn't wait any longer, I think I have frostbite." I laugh, holding out my frozen sausage hands

"Where are your gloves?" he asks glancing at my bare fingertips

"They don't really help... they have too many holes" I respond embarrassed

"Well here, we can share mine!" John says tugging off one of his gloves and handing it to me

"But won't your other hand be cold now?" I ask not wanting to inconvenience him

"I have a solution for that!" he smiles as he grabs my bare hand with his

"Now we are each other's gloves and we can protect each other from the cold"

I've never had a friend like John, he is sweet and kind and brave, I would do anything for him.

"John I would fight like a thousand knights on horses to protect you," I tell him

"And how would you do that?" He asks raising an eyebrow at me

"With my lion's spirit, just like Washington always says" I respond confidently

"You're less of a lion and more of a tomcat," John laughs at me

"Hey! I'm still growing!" I scowl at him

"Don't worry Lexi, just because you're... smaller, doesn't mean you can't protect people. You're like the smartest guy I know and that's worth a lot"

I suppose I never noticed that I was shorter than John until now, I don't mind. I like it when he towers over me... I would never admit this to another living soul but having him around makes me feel safe. I'm not used to letting others make me feel safe, I'm usually just fending for myself. I hope that John feels safe around me, even if I'm not so tall.

"So you're Lancelot, and I'm just a scribe?" I ask disappointed

"No, you're like the king's right-hand man, who writes to their enemies and scares them away with his big scary words. You're the guy who protects the whole kingdom using only a quill." he corrects me

"Fine but someday I'm going to grow a whole foot taller and then I'll use my writing skills to declare war on anyone who tries to harm you and ill be able to fight them too"

"Sure, Alex" he responds with kind eyes as we arrive at school

Chapter Text

Every morning, at 5 am the same man comes in here,

His name is, Alex.

He has medium length dark hair and the sunken eyes of a man who hasn't slept in weeks, which I'm pretty sure he hasn't. He comes in, orders a venti black coffee, sits at the same table, opens his laptop, and writes for two and a half hours, sometimes three.

For the first few weeks of him coming in, I thought he was a bit peculiar. He only spoke when ordering and rarely so much as looked up from his laptop.

After months of him coming in, I finally decided to talk to him

"So what are you always writing about? If you don't mind me asking, that is" I asked while setting his coffee down at his table

He tucked his hair behind his ear nervously before answering me

"Well, I'm a journalist, but I'm also writing a book between articles"

"So, you're an author?" I asked

"More of an aspiring author" he said timidly

"It sounds to me like you need a little more confidence in yourself, Alex" I responded sliding into the chair beside him

"It's John, right?" he asked with a dainty smile on his face

"Yeah" I responded gesturing to my name tag awkwardly

We spent the next hour talking about how he got into writing, which was nice because there's usually no one in the shop until 8 and I get very bored on my own.

Ever since then we have spent an hour each morning talking. We've talked about everything... about our goals, our values, our relationships... our baggage... and most anything else that has made us the people we are today.

Unfortunately, today is Friday which means after this morning i won't get to see him until Monday. The weekend has always been the highlight of my week up until recently, for the last few months getting off work on Friday is majorly disappointing. I miss him over the weekends, I miss laughing at his antics and smiling with him as he rants about his passions (his many many passions), and most of all I always want to be around him. It's just this gut feeling i can't shake.

I hear the tiny bell above the door ring and look up to see Alex walking through the door with a very determined expression.

"Um, hello. I would like a venti black coffee-" he starts

"I know, Alex, you get the same thing every day" I interrupt winking at him

"Oh, huh, yeah but before you make that, I'd like to ask you something," He says with forced confidence

"Would you like to go on a date with me?" he sputters

Did I just- did he...? he just asked me on a date... like a date date, I want to go, obviously.

"I'd love to" I respond as quickly as I can after my brain fog clears

I watch him smile contently... I grin back

"Oh... um, the coffee. I'll be right back" I remind myself before running away to go get it.

So, tonight... a date with Mr. Mysterious but genuine sleep-deprived author.

I'm excited, like really excited

The rest of the day goes by at a snail's pace, all I want to do is go out with Alex. I was so distracted, I messed up four orders... which means I also drank four messed up coffee's and now I am S H A K Y.

I just got home from my shift, Its 4:30, I've got an hour to get ready before our date.

I quickly hop in the shower to rinse off the day's sweat, when I'm done I quickly go through my personal hygiene steps and slap on some light mascara. I run over to my dresser and pull out nearly all the clothes I own... I have no clothes... well I have lots of clothes but nothing to wear.

I settle on a pair of light wash jeans, a tight fitted T-shirt, and an Amber Bomber jacket, I've been told it brings out my eyes.

Getting on the subway to go to the restaurant I am hit by a wave of nerves... actually more like a tsunami of nerves

I don't know if it's the four cups of coffee I had or that I've been wanting to see him outside of work for months. Either way, I am starting to sweat buckets

My stop is right in front of the restaurant.

What if I look too casual? What if he only likes me in my work outfit? What if I'm too awkward outside the cafe?

Maybe this was a mistake...

"Um hi!" I hear a small raspy voice come from behind me

I turn around to see Alex standing there in a dark green dress shirt. He looks really nice. His hair that's usually in a messy bun is now down and straitened neatly

"You clean up nice" I say with a giggle

And like magic, all my nerves have melted away. Just being in his presence, feels right.

Chapter Text

(; SMUT WARNING!)

Alex is hunched over his writing like he is most every night,

scribbling away at some essay

Most nights I occupy myself with some sketching or a book but tonight is different.

I have watched him go through 36 pieces of paper, all apart of some larger work of writing I presume

There is something mesmerizing about how he dips his quill in the ink and scribbles and pauses and repeats the process, it's like he's set on a metronome

And if I'm being completely candid, It's not just the metronomic pace at which he's working that has me entranced

The way the candlelight illuminates half of his face and leaves the other half yet to be discovered. There's something about the way the flickering light moves across his chest and traces his body that makes me want him. Watching his strong hands fill the pages with ink

I have been so overcome by lust for so many an hour, it is unbearable

Imagining what he could do to me

"Alex... my love?" I finally speak

"Yes, John?" He responds without looking up from his work

"Don't you think you're due for a break?"

"If I'm going to get this plan approved I can't take breaks. Who do you peg me for, Adams?" he chuckles at his own joke while still writing

The way his jokes amuse him is adorable but it doesn't help my... situation

I suppose this will take a little more convincing

I stand behind him and begin massaging his shoulders tenderly I kiss his neck, giving him chills

"John...?" he says completely clueless

"Alex, I really think you should take a break" I repeat as I begin massaging down his arms and slide my hand into his lap where I begin to palm him lightly over his pants

"Oh... OH. You mean, I should take a BREAK break" he gasps finally receiving the message

"Mhm" I nod biting my lip ever so lightly

I turn him around in his chair so he's facing me, I pull off his undershirt before I begin slowly kissing my way down his neck, reaching his bare chest I begin to play with his nipples making him moan louder and louder as I leave marks down his body.

"Fuck John" he whispers to me

"What was that?" I ask, even though I know exactly what he said

He doesn't respond, breathless

"I want you to tell me what you said," I say sternly as I twist his nipples

He gasps and obediently repeats himself louder this time

"Fuck John"

"Does that feel good?" I ask

he nods quickly

"I bet I can make you feel even better..."

I make my way down to his pants where I begin to unbutton. I slowly slip open his pants to reveal the large erection he was concealing

"You know what Alex?" I say gripping his waist

"What?" He asks me desperately

"I think I changed my mind" I get up, leaving him exposed

I flop back on the bed and smile at him smugly

At first, there's no reaction until he stands up, grabs me by the collar of my shirt, and whispers in my ear

"I'm going to make you pay for that"

"I'd like to see you try" I respond with fake confidence

Watching his face turn like that...

Baiting him into topping me...

It makes my knees weak

Chapter Text

"John, what happened?" I ask disappointedly as he appears in my doorway battered and bruised

He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago, I should've known something was wrong

"Oh, just the usual..." he says while limping into the room

"Are you okay?" I ask sincerely, as I help him sit down on my bed

His eye is swollen shut and colored with shades of purple and blue, which have been surrounded by a ring of yellow. His lip is split open and bleeding profusely. No matter how many times he comes home like this, It still shakes me.

"I'm fine, not to be too cliche, but you should see the other guy" John tries to laugh but winces from the movement

"Sit still, let me grab the first aid kit" I sigh as I rummage through the cabinet

"Why did you do this John? I thought we talked about this, It's not safe" I scold him before returning with the medkit

"I can't just let these things go... you know that" John says defensively

"You know, loving someone is like having your heart outside your body constantly. And right now you are taking my heart, running around to every asshole in the city and having them take their punches at it" I explain to him with annoyance in my voice

"If I cause you this much trouble why do you stay with me?" John asks avoiding my attempt to make eye contact with him

"Really John?" I say as the sorrow in my gut turns to frustration

"Yeah" He responds

"Because I love you, you pompous asshole, I love you and I can't change that. I can't imagine my life without you. When will you ever get that?" I am uncontrollably starting to raise my voice as I speak

He finally meets my eyes as he says

"I didn't ask you to love me, Alex"

"What is that supposed to mean?" I ask angrily

"It means I've lived my life the same way for years because nobody cared and then you just show up and expect me to change all of that?"

"First of all the way you live your life is stupid, you self-destruct when you're hurt because you're scared. And now that I'm here, loving you, you're terrified and you're looking for a way to push me out, so YEAH I expect you to stop trying to get yourself killed. I won't apologize for that" I yell

"And what if I can't change..." he asks

"I love you, John. Is that ever going to be enough for you? Is that ever going to be reason enough for you not to do this to yourself anymore?" I can't believe we're having this conversation again

"I don't know," John answers

"I thought you loved me," I say forcing him to keep eye contact with me

"I do, I love you more than anything in this life" he responds

"Then how can you not see that this right here," I say gesturing to his swollen face

"kills me. I hate seeing you like this and you don't seem to care" I finish

"It's not that simple Alex!" John yells

"But it is. It is that simple. I would give anything for you, I give all of me every day without fear because I love you and I trust you. If you're missing that, then you just don't love me the same way I love you."

My eyes fill with tears as I quickly turn away from John. He doesn't need to see me cry, not right now.

Suddenly he grabs my hand

"I'm sorry Alex..."

I don't respond... I can't.

I'm out of words

"I never want you to feel like I don't love you, It's just hard for me to comprehend that part of loving someone is actually letting them love you.
I was hoping that I could love you without having to take care of myself. But I was wrong, I can't keep acting like I'm alone in this world now that I have you" He tells me

"If you can't do this, I need to know now." I finally utter

"I can't keep hurting you and I sure as hell can't live without you so I just have to be better for you"

I lean my forehead against his gently so I don't bump his bruises.

"John?" I ask

"Yes, my love?" he responds

"I feel I should tell you, purple is not your color" I brush my hand over his bruised cheek endearingly

Chapter Text

"You can do this" I whisper to John softly gripping his hand

We are standing before the door of his childhood home

Last month his father died and he inherited the house

"Do I have to?" He asks leaning his head on my shoulder

"I'm afraid so, but we can do it together" I promise him

"Okay"

He takes the keys and opens the large double doors

We walk through the doorway hand in hand

The inside of the house is embroidered in wealth, it's an absolutely stunning building that I only allow to distract me for a moment before I remember why I am here.

I glance at John, he is staring up at the tall ceilings with wide eyes

"Hey, we got this" I remind him

He breaths deeply and we continue down the hall together.

"So this was my room" he stops me in front of a door

We go in together

It's a sleek baby blue room, there isn't much for personalization, no posters or photos of friends, not even a pride flag... not that that's surprising.

While his room is barren of personality, it is not empty. He has a large king bed with navy blue sheets, a large navy sofa, a desk, and a coffee table. The room is huge.

"It's beautiful," I say partially sincerely

"Yeah, it's nice," He says picking up a small silver trinket that was sat on the table

I can see him slipping away

"Come on, John. Give me the rest of the tour" I say encouraging him to leave the room

He agrees and we walk down 8 sets of hallways going from common space to bedroom to guest room, to pool... yes I said pool, like a full in-ground indoor pool. But that's beside the point. I tried to hide my astonishment when observing the rooms, I know they hold not much but painful memories for john.

As we approach what appears to a large bookcase at the dead-end of a hallway John cracks a smile for the first time since we got here.

"What's that?" I ask mildly confused but mostly just happy to see him finally feeling okay

"Um, it might be easier for me to show you than to explain it" He responds

He reaches for one of the books and pulls it down like a lever.... no fucking way.

He pulls the book forward and the shelf swings open like a door, behind it, is a small crawl space

John gets down on his hands and knees and starts to crawl through, I follow.

The tunnel is short and pitch black until it lets out at the other end into a room

"One second" I hear John rummaging around in the dark

"Here we go" he says as the room floods with warm light

I look around to see that we are in a room close to the size of the room I had growing up, so kind of like a large closet. It's just big enough to comfortably fit two people. Any more and you wouldn't be able to move.

There's a tan bean bag, and a few throw blankets in the corner in front of a wall of shelves

"When my dad bought the house, that bookshelf was already there and the previous owner left all the books. My dad never bothered to move it so he had no idea it was here. When I was about 6 years old I found this room, after that when I needed to get away, which was almost always, I would sneak back here to be alone. I used it to escape my dad's anger countless times but I always had to be careful I couldn't risk him finding this place." He explains

"It's beautiful," I tell him, this time with full sincerity

"It's my oasis. The one part of my childhood i don't hold resentment for." He says with a half-smile

"Oh, and I know you noticed that my room was lacking any personal items..." He turns around and reaches into the shelving behind him.

"I couldn't keep anything with value where my dad could find it or he would take it and threaten to destroy it if I didn't behave well enough... So this is where I kept all my real stuff" he says handing me a box and grabbing one for himself

I pull out a photo album filled with pictures of him and his friends

"I'm sorry Jacky" I respond while looking through the photos of him smiling with friends

Why would someone threaten to destroy these... It's despicable

"It's alright," he says quietly

The next thing I find is a collection of turtle stuffed animals which doesn't surprise me in the least and a small rainbow pin

"What's this?" I ask holding up the pin

"Oh" He smiles

"Thats from the first pride parade i went to when I was 17. I obviously couldn't tell my dad so i hid it up here but, that means a lot to me... that day was like finding out that I'm not completely alone. I found out there are lots of people just like me out there"

The doorbell rings making John jump out of his skin

"Hey it's okay," I say caressing his arm

"I ordered us lunch, I'll go get it," I tell him

I run downstairs to pay the delivery man and grab our take out

When I return I see John Smiling at a small scrapbook

I sit down next to him and kiss him softly

When we pull away, I see a single tear rolling down his cheek

"What's wrong?" I ask

"Thank you for being here with me for this," he says

"Of course" I kiss him on the forehead

"come on, let's eat, and then we can start packing up this house together" I brush his hair behind his ear and watch him smile at me

Chapter Text

(SELF HARM WARNING)

(GRAPHIC DEPICTION OF INJURY/SELF HARM)

I watch the metal gleam slightly in the dim light as I slide it across my wrists

The deep stinging pain sends waves of release through my body

I stare down at the puddle of blood now settling on my forearm

I tip my arm and watch it stream down and drop to the floor

I bring the razor back to my arm again remembering how I got here

Shaking and hyperventilating I stumbled into the bathroom and half fell into the bathtub hitting my knee on the tile, bruising it badly. I screamed in frustration, my emotions out of control.

I scrambled to find the nearest safety razor and detached the blade, clumsily splitting open my finger.

With tremoring hands, I began dragging it across my arms slowly

I set the razor to my wrist again, this time with intent

I just need one more good cut. Just one more deep one then I'll feel better

I clench my jaw as I dig through my soft skin and tear deep into my flesh

As I pull away I see the slit slowly fill with blood and overflow

Just... a little deeper

Again I rip through my skin until I hear the doorknob turn...

"John?" 

I flinch and my hand slips down, it slips into my arm further than it should be

I pull my hand away from my arm to see just how far I had cut...

I see the layers of muscle, flesh, and fat staring back at me

I hear Alex approach the bathtub and pull back the curtain

"John...?" he gasps

"I can explain-" I start but can't finish

I look into his eyes and see the sheer terror forming there

This is it, this is when he gives up on me

This is why I have to hide the dark parts of me, the ones no one wants to see

I look down at my pool of blood I'm sitting in and begin to sob... I hate myself

He drops down to his knees and grasps my face

"Hey, it's okay. Just look at me, keep your eyes on me" he says firmly

"I'm so sorry Alex... I'm so-"

He stops me and pulls my head into his chest as I sob into his shirt

"You're going to be okay" He whispers to me as he pets my hair

The last thing I remember from that night is Alex looking into my eyes and asking me a question as his face got blurrier and blurrier until the whole room went dark.

I was released from the hospital this morning so I'm staying with Alex for a few days while I recover.. emotionally and physically.

We are sitting on his bed together, my head is resting on his shoulder and he has his arms wrapped around me.

"Jackie, I don't want to add to any stress but... I thought you were clean" He says

"I was, for 6 months" 

"So... why did you? I mean.. does this ever get easier for you?" he asks

"I don't know. There aren't many days that go by that I don't think about hurting myself and sometimes it's just too overwhelming to handle" Saying that out loud is really hard

"Would it be easier to handle with someone by your side?" 

"It's scary... When I tell people about this... they don't stick around for long after" It's hard to speak clearly while my voice is trembling so much

"I'm not scared John, I want to be there for you every single day, no matter how long it takes" He says squeezing my hand tenderly

"Oddly enough, I believe you" I say surprised

"Then can you tell me when you're struggling?" He asks me

"Yeah, I can" I respond

"I love you Alex" I add snuggling deeper into his chest

"I love you too John" 

(If anyone is struggling with self-harm my DMs are always open, I'm almost a year clean but I still struggle to stay that way every day. Stay strong lovelies❤

My usernames in case you ever want to talk

Instagram: Hamilgorl

Tumblr: Hamilgorl   )

Chapter Text

"John, my love, Are you ready to go?" I call as I adjust my tie in the mirror

As I hear him respond I glance up to see my fiance standing in front of me dressed in a black satin button-up and sleek dress pants.

"Oh how dapper Mr. Laurens," I say, reaching for his tie to pull him closer to me

"You don't look too shabby yourself" he responds holding my face gently

"Do we even have to go tonight?" I whine

"We promised Angelica we'd be there, this is her big night" 

Unfortunately, he's right. I mean it's an amazing night, Angelica is officially taking over as CEO of the law firm shes been with for 8 years, and we are all going to support her, I just hate going out, especially on New Year's eve.

"Let's go" John calls as he walks to the car leaving me to run after him

When we get to the party the first people we spot are Herc and Laf

"Hey good to see you two," Herc says hugging us both

"Heyyy ewhats ueeup?" Laf stumbles over his words

"Well we just got here but it seems like you've been here for quite a while," I say in the same tone I use with toddlers

"okay ojay, ill tell you my secret. cume heare" he says motioning for us to get closer to him

"There is a greaat Open barre heree" he whispers loudly

"Yes there is, and ever since the baby, we have not been drinking very much so it takes like a glass of wine to get drunk and he has had three glasses of wine, you do the math," Herc says

"I take it you found a babysitter?" John laughs

"Yup, for the very first time since we got our precious miracle baby and I'm having a very hard time relaxing," Herc says visibly stress sweating

"Why don't you sit back, relax, and have a glass of wine?" Laf says half falling into Hercs arms

"Nope because one of us has to be sober enough to get home tonight," Herc tells him while cradling Laf's drunken head

"Okay, well we should go find Angie and congratulate her before the big ceremony" I add

"Of course, see you later" Herc responds

Next, we run into Peggy and Maria

Peggy is wearing a short, yellow bodycon dress and Maria is wearing a lowcut red jumpsuit

"Ladies. You look fantastic" John's jaw has dropped

"Thank you, we know," they say striking a few poses before hugging us

"So we've been here for a half-hour and no one has thrown up or stripped down yet which pretty much means this party is a bust" Peggy whispers to me

"Um, Pegs this is a work party so I would guess the only people getting turnt here are you and Laf," I tell her

"Laf is here???" She gasps

"HEs mY drinKIng Buddyyy" before she finishes the sentence she is running off to go find Laf

"I gotta go, you understand, right?" Maria says kissing us both on the cheek and hurrying off to go chase down Peggy

As we walk away John whispers to me

"You know I love our friends but they really can't handle their alcohol"

"Very true, very true" I respond laughing

"Want to grab a drink before finding Angie?" I ask

John nods and we head over to the infamous open bar that has our friends acting like nuts

"Can I get two manhattans?" John asks the bartender who nods

"Do you know what I love, John?" I smile

"What?" he responds

"I love all the things you do, I love that you know my drink order, I love that you know the way I like my pillows arranged on the bed, I love that you know my favorite color..."

"Alex, are you drunk somehow?" He asks raising an eyebrow at me

"NO, I just appreciate you"

"I love you, Lexi," he says sincerely

"You know what I don't appreciate though" I whisper to him softly

"What?" he asks

"I don't appreciate you calling me Lexi" 

"You love it and you know it" he responds as the bartender hands us our drinks

"A toast?" I ask raising my glass

"Sure, how about to appreciating the little things, like adorable nicknames your boyfriend gives you," he says raising his glass

"Okay, this is why I hate you" I laugh and lean in to kiss him between smiles

"Ew, get a room" Eliza appears beside us in a short velvet blue dress

"John, Alex, you both look very handsome tonight," She adds

"Eliza, I just saw you making out with yet another random woman, have you been drinking too?" I ask her

"Oh god no, you know I don't put that poison in my body. sheesh" she responds

"Okay, so you're just sober making out with strangers like usual?" John asks

"Uh, yup," She says with a smirk

"Oh, and if you'd like to grab me a water and bring it to me I would appreciate that. It gets hot out there on the dancefloor" She winks seductively and wanders back out to dance with her mystery woman

"Yeah, we will not be doing that" I yell to her

but she ignores me

"Okay, we have found everyone except the lady of the hour," John says

"If I was an Angelica where would I be?" I ask myself out loud

"Wait..." I turn to John

"You don't think?" he says slowly

"Let's go" we take off running up the stairs to the second, third, and fourth floor before we remember there's an elevator.

When we reach the top of the 15 story building we see the roof exit and sure enough, we have found our Angie.

No one can dispute that she truly is the main character from every rom-com about straight people. I mean look at her, New Year's eve, She's the guest of honor yet she is up here dramatically reading... oh my god, is she reading?

"Angiiee" I yell from the other side of the roof

"Oh hey guys, I'm glad you came-"

Suddenly we hear footsteps behind us

I turn around to see a striking man standing there

"Oh sorry I didn't know anyone was out here..." he says apologetically

"Oh no, J.C. it's fine. You can stay" Angie says

J.C. is Angies best friend outside of the group. He's obviously had a crush on her for five years and she has no idea. A classic Rom-com situation

"We should go though," I say dragging John away from them

As soon as we're out of earshot I whisper

"20$ says they kiss at midnight"

"Duh" he responds

We wander back downstairs to find the whole gang sitting in the lobby

We plop down on the couch next to everyone else

"Can you believe this year is almost over?" Eliza says

"For the first time in a long time, I'm okay with it. I know that when that clock strikes 12 I'll still have all of you... and Angie wherever she is... and that means I'll be okay" Peggy responds

"Hey it's almost midnight lets go to the ballroom," Herc says after checking his watch

We all wander to the ballroom hanging off each other

5...

Angie appears next to Eliza and whispers something to her that makes her grin

4...

I see Peggy smiling at Maria endearingly

3...

Laf is falling asleep on Hercs shoulder

2... 

I'm so lucky to be surrounded by the people I love most in this world

1...

I crash my face into Johns and kiss him passionately

I can't wait for another year with him

Chapter Text

It's another Friday night cuddled up on the couch with Martha as we watch our favorite show. Most days it's relaxing but tonight there is a thick layer of tension set about the room...

"John, do you love me?" She asks

"Martha, we're married" I respond, confused by the question

"But do you love me?" she asks again

"Of course my dear" I kiss her forehead so that I can avoid making eye contact 

"You've done it again," She says startled

"Done what?" I ask even more confused now

"Every time you say you love me you don't look at me..." she trails off  

I don't know what to say. I never was good at coming up with excuses

"What's wrong?" she asks me

I again find myself avoiding her gaze, I know that if I let her see me, she'll know exactly what's going on

"Something has been wrong for a while now...  Say it" she says softly

She knows, she has to know...

"Say it, John," she says more firmly this time

finally, I begin to speak

"Well, I've been thinking about it for a while now..."

she nods, begging me to continue

"... and I think I might be bisexual"

I can see the sheer disappointment in her eyes as she says

"John, you're gay"

Hearing those words said out loud feels wrong, it makes me feel wrong

But what feels worse is seeing Martha turn away from me 

"I've known for a while now... I just didn't know how to admit it" she speaks quietly

"It's funny you know," she says staring out the window

"This is what I always settle for. I love you Martha but. I love you Martha but I need space. I love you Martha but I've found someone else. And now I love you Martha but I'm-" she cant finish her sentence, she can't say it

I can't say it either

"And this is the worst because it's not even your fault" She begins taking off her ring...

"No, Martha. Please don't take it off. You promised you'd never take it off" I rush to her side 

"What do you want from me?" Martha asks me with tears forming in her eyes

"I want... I want almost everything. I want you in my life" I tell her grabbing her hands

"Why?" she asks with tremors in her voice

"Because you're my best friend" I respond my heart breaking with every word

"I'm sorry John," she lets the ring fall to the floor before walking away

I hear the door shut behind her and my heart sinks to my feet

The only person I've ever loved 

The only person who knows what I am... 

Gone

I'm all alone

(I know this isn't really Lams but I had this idea a long time ago and this felt like the perfect time to do it. This is a scene from bohemian rhapsody(an amazing movie by the way) but it always reminded me of John and Martha)

Chapter Text

Walking down the hall I don't think I've ever felt such a dizzying nervous excitement

I've wanted to work here since I was 12 years old when my mom told me about this place and how they helped her during her divorce from my father.

The only problem is, this building is like a maze. I have no idea where I'm going

I finally see someone in the empty hallway, A tall man with a ponytail of tight curls

This is my chance to ask for directions, I tap on his shoulder

"Um excuse me-" I start but lose my voice as he turns around

He has these glowing auburn eyes and full lips, that stand out amongst his abundance of freckles.

He's so handsome

"Are you okay?" he says worriedly

"Uh yeah... sorry" Oh god, how have I already made a fool of myself?

"Do you need help?" he laughs

"Yeah, actually, I'm looking for conference room 4D, I'm new here" I sputter nervously

I'm not very good at talking to pretty boys

"It would probably be easier for me to show you, may I?" he asks politely

"YEah, you maY" I respond unsteadily

"My names John, It's nice to meet you," he tells me as we walk down the hall

"I'm Alexander, but you can call me Alex. It's nice to meet you too" I respond

As we walk down the hall I watch his hair bob up down to the beat of his steps,

"Alex?" he asks

"Yes?"

"Did you hear me?" He raises his eyebrows curiously

"No, I guess I'm a little nervous about starting the new job" Which isn't necessarily a lie

"Don't worry, you seem like a bright guy. You'll be fine"

"Thanks" I smile

"So, this is your stop" he informs me as we reach room 4D

"Thanks for your help," I tell him as I walk away

I hope I get to see him again...

I should've asked for his number or something

Suddenly I feel him grab my hand

"I'll see you around Alex..." he says slyly as he lets go and walks away

My stomach feels like it has a pack of rabid butterflies swarming around in it

"I see you've met John" the receptionist snickers

"Yeah...?" I'm not sure why she's laughing

"Try not to fall for his smooth Puerto Rican charm, I've seen him break the heart of almost every guy whos come through here," she says

I thought we had a real connection...

I guess I was wrong

Chapter Text

Normally I'd take any opportunity to get drunk.

But I just don't like parties.

Peggy convinced us all to go out, so everyone else is drinking but the whole social thing is making me anxious. I'd like to keep my wits about me tonight

"Laauureennss" Alex only calls me that when he's drunk

"You sure you don't want any a this sweet nectar?" He slurs his words

"No, I'm okay" I smile

"Suit yourself love" he coos as he walks away to get another beer

Even when he's embarrassingly drunk, he's adorable

I think I've finally accepted that I have a major crush on my roommate but I still haven't thought of a way to tell him... or if I should tell him at all

Obviously, I can't tell him tonight, because he wouldn't remember it...

Or maybe this is the perfect time to tell him, that way I get two chances to tell him

"Hey, dUde. Watch where you're goUing" Alex's voice booms across the room

I hear some other guy yell back at him, as I quickly weave my way through the crowd to try and get there before Alex does something majorly stupid

I see Alex push someone into a wall... Oh no

I rush up to them, pull Alex away, and speak to him calmly

"Hey, he's not worth it, just look at me" I force him to look me in the eyes, so he has something else to focus on. Ifeel like I'm trying to calm a tiny angry bull.

As I escort him out of the house, his fury melts away into a dazed confusion

"Why was that guy being so mean to me?" he asks

"I don't know Lexi" I laugh under my breath a little

"Where are we going, Laurens?"

"We're going home" I answer

luckily our dorm is only a few blocks away so its an easy walking distance

By the time we reach our dorm Alex can hardly stand up.

As I close the door behind us, he lays down on the carpeted floor and whines

"I can't go any further, go on without me. Leave me here to die"

"Come on," I say rolling my eyes and picking him up bridal style

I lay him down in his bed

"Don't move, just lay here" I instruct him as I walk away to go brush my teeth

When I return he has stripped down to his boxers

"So you didn't have the energy to walk 10 feet to your bed but you could shimmy out of all your clothes?" I ask him

There's no answer

Our sleepy Alex has officially left consciousness

I pull his blankets over his chest and sit on the edge of his bed

"Alex..." I begin

"I really like you, and not just as a friend. I think about you when you're not there, I want to be with you all the time. I just really enjoy you and I think you deserve to know that"

"awe LAuurennss" I nearly jump out of my skin as Alex speaks

"I thought you were asleep," I say nervously

"Nope, but don't worry I like you too. I like you more than I hate Jefferson, I like you more than I like writing.... which is a lot"

"well, thank you Alex" I chuckle

"You know what else?" he asks slyly

"What?" I ask

"I like the way your curly hair falls in your face, I like the way you bite your lip when you're focused, I like the way your amber eyes glowed in the moonlight tonight. I've never seen them do that before. I like the way you're the cutest man I have ever seen... and the sexiest as well"

"Okay that's enough for tonight" I cut him off

"Can I tell you one more thing? Jus one?" He asks grabbing my shoulders

"Fine, but then you're going to sleep" I allow reluctantly

"I want you" he whispers

"Excuse me?" I ask not sure I heard him correctly

"Your lips are so soft and full, I want them to be on mine. And that one time we went swimming, I saw everything... EVeerythInnggG" he sings at the end

"I want you to fuck me," he says suddenly very serious

"I can't do that for obvious reasons, Lex" I respond blushing profusely

"John," he says trying to be seductive but actually looking like a gassy baby

"Goodnight Alex" I quickly kiss him on the forehead, get up and climb into my own bed

If he wasn't so drunk right now...

He wouldn't know what hit him

Chapter Text

(John's POV)

I remember going to my friend's birthday parties when we were kids. I remember how their parents made them colorful cakes, hung streamers around their house, and invited near 20 children to come celebrate.

At my house, on the other hand, my birthday was never about me. It was a time for my father to parade me around to his business partners and convince them our family was perfect. I wasn't allowed to pick my own cake (I had poor taste), or hang streamers (they were too cheesy), or even invite my own friends (kids were too messy and as he put it, this is not an event for children). So it was always obvious that my birthday was not about me

Ever since I moved out of my father's house I haven't let anyone throw me a birthday party, I don't need to be coerced to spend time with people I don't like just for the sake of appearances. I've done the same thing for years now, buy a small cake from the grocery store, get two forks, and eat the entire thing with Peggy as we binge-watch parks and rec from my couch.

Yet a few weeks ago when Alex brought up throwing me a birthday party for the third year in a row, I accepted his offer... I don't know why, it just slipped out before I could think better of it.

Of course, Alex immediately told Eliza and Peggy and they've all been working on throwing me a party ever since.

While they have been keeping most of the plans a surprise I have overheard a few items on their to-do list

. The Schuylers Ballroom

. A 7 tier cake

. At least 250

I don't know 250 of what but when it comes to party planning 250 of anything is a bit overwhelming.

I don't mind them getting carried away too much, my hate for my birthday is greatly outweighed by my love for my friends. I think I have proven that as I'm standing here examing my suit in the mirror.

Yet another birthday ball? I wouldn't have guessed it in a million years but as I said I'll do anything for those idiots

"John?" I hear a quiet voice come from behind me

I see Alex has appeared behind me in the mirror

"How do I look?" I ask through the mirror

"You look absolutely amazing" he smiles as he wraps his arms around my waist

"Are you ready?" he asks

"I suppose so" I sigh heavily

It seems he is sensing the acquiescence in my voice as he turns me around so that he can look me in the eye as he speaks

"I know this is all a lot for you. If it's too much, please tell me and we can just stay here and have a night in together"

"No, I want to do this, Its good for me to face my childhood a bit" I respond

He kisses me on the forehead sweetly before offering me his arm

"Shall we?" He asks

"Of course" I respond quaintly

Together we walk out to the car

When we arrive at the Schuylers I'm breathing heavily

"Are you ready my love?" Alex asks

"Yes" I say unsure if I really mean it

"Happy birthday" he whispers as he opens the door for me

When we walk in the whole ballroom is pitch black until the light switches on and everyone yells surprise

Which I expected, of course

But what I didn't expect was the sheer number of people

6...

not 6 hundred but 6

Peggy, Hercules, Eliza, Lafayette, Angelica, and Alex

"What is going on here?" I ask completely shocked

"Are you disappointed with your party?" Peggy asks me sarcastically

"No of course not, If anything I'm pleasantly surprised" I begin walking over to my friends to hug them

"But what about the 7 tiered cake and all that planning and why are we in the ballroom if it's just us?" I ask

"That was all a distraction from your real party," Alex gestures to the rest of our 5 guests

"Okay... so what are we doing?" I ask cautiously

"Something a little more... John" he responds

We all rambunctiously run out to the car and drive into the city where we stop at my favorite fast food restaurant, grab some takeout, and head to Laf's apartment.

Walking into Laf's apartment, I'm amazed...

There's a large pillow fort set up in the living room surrounded by Christmas lights that make the whole room glow.

We settle into the pillow fort and start sorting out what food belongs to who

When I'm halfway through my burger I look up to see my friends giggling and roughhousing

"So this was the plan all along?" I ask with affection in my voice

"Of course, you can't throw a party that doesn't suit the honoree" Eliza proclaims

"This does suit me much better" I laugh wiping ketchup from my cheek

We spend hours chatting, playing board games, and reminiscing on the best and most embarrassing moments of my life so far

When the clock nears 4:00 am everyone has fallen asleep, leaving me in the glow of the fairy lights

Slowly I slip from the nest of blankets and pillows we have created to go grab a drink of water.

With a smile on my face, I sip from my cup while sitting on the counter of Laf's kitchen

I should have known they wouldn't throw me a party I wouldn't enjoy.

They know me too well

"So?" I hear Alex approach me from behind

"How was it?" He asks

"It was everything I could have asked for" I respond kissing him slowly

"I'm glad" He responds

"You deserve to enjoy your birthday" he adds after kissing me again

I wouldn't mind having another night like this

"I suppose you're right" I smile

"But this type of party was a one time only thing" He looks at me slyly

"Next year is going to be crazy, prepare yourself, Laurens" he winks at me and walks away