Chapter Text
—- Flashback - High School
I’ll probably regret this coffee later when I try to sleep, but there is just something so lovely about sipping a drink in a bookshop over a new book.
It’s been a long week, and this Friday came so very slow.
Kara sits down next to me at the table. I look up from my book.
“What are you doing here?” I ask.
“At the bookstore? Oh, you know, just looking to swim a few laps.” She sarcastically jokes.
Alright, I’ll bite. “I hear the water is great.”
She laughs. “Eliza had to run some errands, so I decided to linger in here.”
“And here I thought I didn’t get to see you until Monday.”
She smiles down at her hands on the table.
“Are you going to get a book?” I ask, hoping I’ll be able to persuade her. She has stopped complaining about reading, and where she’s not necessarily a fan, I think it’s helping with some of her testing anxieties. That and it gives us something else to talk about other than those testing anxiety.
“I was thinking maybe Alice in wonderland.”
If reading books to the stories she always heard growing up is how we break this door down, I’m here for it.
“Can’t go wrong with a classic.”
“Did I tell you I have a cat?”
“You did.”
“I named her Alice.”
Her buddy in a strange new world.
“Perfect name.” I smile encouragingly.
She stands and leaves to the books. The shop was pretty empty. Sometimes on Fridays they host a reading or a club, but today there was nothing; it was peaceful. I look down at my book and start reading again. Getting lost back in the universe I was submerging myself in. I almost didn’t even notice when Kara sat back next to me without a word and began reading her book. When I look up she doesn’t stop. She’s content just to read silently, and I didn’t know I missed having someone to sit with.
It’s almost an hour before she puts her book down and stretches.
I turn to her. “How’s Alice?” I ask.
She chuckles. “Lost.”
“Do you think she’s actually lost?”
“I think she’s dreaming.”
I must smile knowingly because she’s proud of herself when she looks back at the book. She turns back at me suddenly. “Do you have friends?”
I mark my place. “Why, because I’m reading in a store on a Friday?”
“Well, yes.”
“You are also here on a Friday night?”
She points to herself. “I’m the adopted new kid.”
“Ditto.”
We both laugh a little too loud for the store, but nobody is around.
“Where is Winn tonight?” I ask.
“Boy Scouts.”
Not surprising. “Alex?”
“She’s helping her Dad with his car.” She shrugs.
“Did he ask you to help?”
She shakes her head. “Alex and him are much closer. He’s nice, but he’s a little standoff. I think my meds make him uncomfortable.”
“What makes you say that?”
She shrugs again. “He tiptoes around me.”
“There could be many reasons for that.”
“Maybe? Eliza is great though.”
“You got lucky with her.”
She smiles proudly. “I think my mom would have liked her.”
I adore when she casually brings up her family. “If she’s good to you, of course, your Mom would love that.”
“It’s almost been two years, did you know that?”
Oh man, break my heart why don’t you, Kara. “I didn’t.”
She nods.
“Do you have a plan for the day?”
“A plan?”
“Like if I were in Ireland, I’d probably get flowers for my mother’s grave.”
“I’d rather just go to school and pretend the day isn’t happening.”
“Kara,”
“I know, I know.” She leans back. “But that would be nice, wouldn’t it?”
I look at her for a moment. I wish I could help carry some of the weight she’s holding. “It would be very nice.”
She goes quiet for a little bit, and I almost think she will change the subject to something more pleasant.
“I think I’d like to celebrate their birthdays, their lives.”
“I get that.”
“The school therapist thinks I should ask Eliza to bring me to Krypton for a visit.”
I take a deep breath. We are just getting her to a place where she feels almost normal, and it seems too soon to rock the boat. “Is that what you want?”
She shakes her head. “My other therapists says it’s okay not to.”
“Of course, it’s okay.”
Kara shrugs. “I’m kinda tired of everyone contradicting each other.”
“I can imagine it’s hard hearing what everyone else has to say about the matter, but at the end of the day, you have the final say. It’s your life and your choice.”
“No, it isn’t; my choice would be that I wouldn’t have to visit their graves because they’d still be here.”
She’s not quick to these kinds of sentiments with me often. She scratches her eyebrow and takes a deep breath.
“I just …. I didn’t feel it last year because I didn’t feel much of anything.”
I lean forward. “You don’t need to explain yourself.”
She’s playing with the book in her hand as she looks at me with a question on her face. Like she’s going to ask me again, ‘why?’, I desperately hope her face will stop doing that someday.
“When is the date?” I ask.
Her face dissolves. “Friday”
I nod, making the note in my head.
“Feel free to schedule a quiz for that day.” Kara smiles as she speaks. It only gets more prominent when I laugh.
“Not a chance.”
—- Present-Day
I flick a little water in Kara’s direction from my spot at the sink with a smirk. She is absentmindedly drying a glass, as she’s staring off.
She snaps back to reality with a smile.
“What are you thinking so hard about?” I ask.
Eliza went upstairs to change for work, so we decided we’d clean up for her.
“A few things really, but mostly the little girl Eliza mentioned.” She says, taking the newly washed plate from me. “I just don’t want her to slip through the cracks.”
“I’m sure she’s not the first kid needing new placement in Midvale. Eliza said someone finally showed up.”
“And they’ll transfer her if they can’t find someone to care for her here.” She sighs. “I just know how messy it can all get.”
I take another towel and grab the plate back from her and dry it myself. “You want to go to the hospital,” I state.
She looks at me with a slight smile. “Will you hate me?”
“Not in the slightest.”
“I’d miss Dr. Ruth today.”
“I deduced that.”
“And she came all this way.”
I chuckle. “Kar, it’s fine. I’ll keep the appointment.”
Her eyebrow raises. “You will, even without me?”
“This once.”
She leans back on the counter, looking at me like I’m the biggest puzzle. “You don’t have to.”
I chuckle, leaning on the counter myself. “I know that; it’s just one appointment.”
“I’d be so upset if you missed one.”
I smile amused. “Well, you’d be entirely in your rights to be. You show up, you have always shown up for me.”
“I-I” words seem to fail her. Her hands pull at my waist as I step forward. “I just have to see that she’s okay.”
“I get it.”
“If they’re just going to transfer her to the city, I’d like that to happen directly. I can have Maggie make some calls. She doesn’t have to bounce around.”
I nod. “The less bouncing, the better.”
Kara nods. We haven’t talked about it in years, but I know that most of her traumas from the foster system have nothing to do with the Danvers. Even when they kicked her out, she still referred to them as her saving grace. The whole reason she ended up going into social service work was to make sure other kids didn’t have to go through the year she did before the Danvers.
Eliza comes down holding her gym shoes.
“Eliza,” Kara turns, taking her hands off me. “Would you mind if I went in with you?”
She looks up. “You want to come to work with me?”
“If that’s okay? I’d like to check on that little girl you mentioned.”
Eliza smiles, so thrilled. “Yeah? Well, that would be great.”
“Really?”
“Yes, dear, I’d love to show you around the hospital. We have made a lot of changes and -“ she claps. “Yes. Please come.
Kara chuckles when I do.
“Sometimes, I have to remind myself you two aren’t blood,” I say, turning back to the dishes after stealing a quick look at Eliza’s proud face.
Her face does wonders for the nerves that rattle around my stomach in Eliza’s mere presence.
—-Flashback - High School
I walk into the teachers’ lounge and immediately put my lunch in the refrigerator. If you don’t get in early enough, you need to use the fridge in the nurses’ office, and there is always the risk of them mixing your lunch with a kid’s medication meal.
“Lena?” Lyra steps away from the coffee bar and towards me. “Do you have a minute to talk about Kara?”
“What about her?” I hesitantly ask.
She sits at the table, and I slowly follow. I don’t think I’m going to like anything she has to say. Kara is in Lyra’s history class, and it’s been one of the grades we have been really struggling with.
“I’m wondering when it’s time to throw in the towel?”
It’s all over my face how offended I am at the ridiculous notion. “Excuse me?”
“Wouldn’t she be better suited for a slower class?”
“You can’t be serious? She’s still new. Still learning her footing.”
“That is precisely why I think she’d benefit from the extra assistance.”
I cross my arms. “It hasn’t even been a semester.”
“At what point are we just setting her up to fail?” Lyra asks.
“When you give up on her,” I answer simply.
She rolls her eyes. “I know she has been your little project, but I think it’s time. I’m going to be recommending to Cat that we set her back.”
“You’ll be pulling the rug out from under her. You will kill the little confidence she has managed to gain.”
“Or maybe I’m giving her a chance to take a break and catch up.”
“Don’t act like your doing this for her. You just don’t want to take the extra time to make sure she gets the lesson.”
“Isn’t that your self-appointed job?”
I scuff, exasperated. “What is your problem?”
“Problem-“
“Yes,” I cut her off. “Your problem with her. Your problem with me? With your job clearly?”
Sam comes in with her face already pissed. She must have heard us in the hall. “What’s going on?”
“Sam, perfect. Can you tell me Kara Danvers wouldn’t benefit from aided education?” Lyra looks for a lifeline.
“Are you joking?” Sam asks with a baffled look on her face. We make eye contact for a second. “Kara has been improving in my class daily, and when she isn’t, I know that’s on me.”
“I see 100 students-“ Lyra starts defending.
“Same as us.” I interrupt again.
“Maybe you two have the time, but the curriculum is set up this way. That’s why we have aided education.”
“I will not sign off on this,” I say sternly.
“You don’t have to.” She laughs.
Sam grabs my arm discreetly when I instinctively step forward protectively. “None of the other teachers will back this up,” Sam states powerfully. “Everyone I’ve talked to agrees that Kara has come a long way already, and Lena is the only person that truly can gauge if she shouldn’t stay on this path.”
“You two are too close to this.”
“No, you aren’t close enough.” I snap back.
“Give her a little more time,” Sam demands.
“You’re asking me to pass a kid that’s failing?” Lyra asks.
“No, give her more assignments. Extra credit, a paper, anything I can work with her on. Send me the study guides before your quizzes.” I say just hoping for her to take something I offer. Give me something.
She rolls her eyes. “Again, the time that would take.”
“Send me the quizzes, and I can make them myself.”
“Preferential treatment much?”
“Oh, get off your high horse.” Sam just about growls. “You know her story; give the kid a break.”
“I never said she didn’t deserve a break. I just don’t think it’s us that needs to give it to her.” Lyra stands. “Fine, let her fail. See what that does to her confidence.”
“If you work with us and not against us, then she won’t fail.” The anger in my voice is deafening to me. I’ve never heard myself sound this much like Lionel before.
She walks out, slamming the door behind her like a child. I look at Sam, shocked.
“God forbid we ask someone to do a little more than the bare minimum.” Sam huffs.
“I don’t understand why she became a teacher if she doesn’t want to help,” I say, looking at my hands in disbelief of the genuine stupidity.
“We will get her to pass,” Sam says.
I nod. “Yes, we will.”
If it was a matter of how hard Kara will work. How hard Sam and I will work with her, she’s pass no problem. Her memory is just so spotty. She’s so intelligent, and she’ll learn it all like a champ then forget half of the lesson by the time I see her for tutoring. I’m just going to have to try harder.
I can get her to try harder. I can convince her and Lyra that she’s worth fighting for.
—- Present-Day
I didn’t think it would feel much different doing this solo, but I was wrong. Dr. Ruth only has me to look at, and I’m feeling myself lock up under her gazes.
“I’m actually happy we get a moment to talk privately.” Dr. Ruth writes. “How do you think therapy is going so far?”
I shrug. “It’s going fine.”
“Has it helped?”
“It hasn’t hurt?”
“Well, hey, that’s something.” Dr. Ruth chuckles.
“It’s been good. I know it’s helping Kara.”
“Just Kara?”
I bite my lip a little. “No, it’s helpful for me too. She hasn’t been this open with me in years, and I know that’s because I wasn’t around to listen.”
“Are you open with her?” The doctor asks.
I shift in my seat and reach for my cup of tea. I have to say the biggest benefit of at-home sessions has been the hot drinks. “Yes.”
“Even when you weren’t around?”
“Well, no. Hard to be open when you aren’t around.”
She nods. “We talk a lot about your work.”
I nod.
“How is navigating Kara’s job?”
“Navigating?”
“It’s been a new experience, has it not? since you’ve stepped back from L-Corp, Kara’s job must be something you’ve had more time to notice? She is working now, after all.”
“I’d hardly call this working.”
“It would be if you took a meeting, correct?”
“Kara never chose work over me.”
“Because she has that balance?”
I nod.
“So, what do you see happening with your company?”
“I don’t know.”
“You don’t know? You have an empire, and you don’t know the next step?”
“It depends who you ask. If you ask my mother, I will be driving the company into the ground no matter what I decide. If you ask Lex, I’m picking the investment with the least profit by choosing Kara. If you ask Edge, I’m sure he’ll say the company has been riding on his back from the moment I started.”
“Do you talk to lex?” She asks.
I knew that was the only thing she’d hear. “No, I just know my brother.”
“He’d say your marriage is a poor investment?”
I laugh. “He practically said as much when we got engaged. The first and only letter I opened from him.”
“You said you two were close growing up?”
I nod again. This seems to be going so much faster than usual. Like she’s been saving all her questions for the moment I would come alone.
“When did that change?”
“Around the time he held me captive and blew up a competitor’s office building.”
She writes again, and I take the chance to take a sip of my still hot tea.
“There wasn’t a lot of coverage on what he did to you.” She says hesitantly.
“Almost a hundred people were killed, even more, injured. How is anyone supposed to talk about anything else?”
“Your mother tried to convince the press that he held you to protect you, correct?”
I scuff. “It would have been funny if so many people didn’t believe her.”
“I’m wondering how you ended up working back with the company then? You seem to have such a distaste for your mother and the life you had before Midvale?”
I nod, recrossing my legs. “I mean, the timing was everything. I moved to Metropolis to be with Kara. Which worked for a while, but teaching just didn’t feel the same anymore. I wasn’t making enough to support us in a city. Kara had to take out loans to pay for school, and most of her jobs were just internships; it was hard for a while there.”
“You went back for the money?”
“There was no money. Luthor-Corp was drowning, on the verge of bankruptcy. Lillian was being forced down, but with Lex’s shares, she had the most say for her replacement. She nominated me, and I said no. I said no so many times, but Kara could see how unhappy I was at work, and I started thinking of exciting ways we could maybe get Luthor-Corp back on track, and eventually, Kara got me to say yes.” I smile a little. “With the contingency that all Luthor shares would be mine.”
“Your mother is completely out of the company?”
“She’s one of the reasons it failed. Most of the old employees were terminated. We were rebuilding. I got rid of her and anyone, not on the board that had any allegiance to the way my family ran things.”
“It clearly worked.”
I nod. “It did, especially when we got out of Metropolis.”
“Will you miss it if you decided to leave?”
“Yes.” The word crawls up my throat before I have even a second to think it.
She smiles. “Is there a way you can dial back but keep your position?”
I shake my head no. “I don’t think so; my father couldn’t, Lillian couldn’t, and it drove Lex mad.”
“Your father didn’t have a balance?”
I laugh. “No, not even a little bit. Our house was a whole other universe to him.”
“So Lillian was home more.”
I shake my head. “Absolutely not. Lillian was busy proving she wasn’t successful off her marriage alone. That’s why she was able to take over for Lex. She’s been in the business for our whole lives.”
“Who cared for you?” She asks with a little more shock in her voice than I would have imagined. Then again, Lillian does have the perfect mother image down to an art.
“Cared for me? What do you mean?”
“Who put you to bed at night?”
“Our au pair?”
“Even when you were older?”
“Well, no, once I left for boarding school, I was pretty much on my own.”
“Oh, so you didn't spend much time at home?”
“I used to find excuses to stay on campus for holidays as much as I could.”
She writes again, and I can imagine that I'm making more sense to her now though it's in all the ways I would rather nobody saw.
“That’s what you meant when you said Lillian wasn’t a mother to you?”
I nod.
“And your father?”
I can’t help the way my face turns, and she notes it. The flinch I usually wouldn’t have let slip.
“Would you like me to call him Lionel?” She asks.
I shake my head. “No, he’s my father.”
“Yet those words were hard to hear?”
I don’t think about him as much as I used to. Everything that’s come to light since he’s passed has left a very sour taste in my mouth. “Just not used to talking about him much anymore. At least in this context, he’s mentioned a lot at work.”
“When did he pass?”
“When I was in college.”
She nods as she writes more. “I was in Metropolis at this time,” She recalls aloud. “I vividly remember the city mourning.”
I shrug my shoulders. “The whole time went by in a blur, honestly.”
“Grief can do that.”
“It wasn’t grief; it was displacement, anger, and betrayal.” I correct.
Again I’m shocking her and the picture she has of my family and me in her head. She’s too stunned to speak. “Lionel is my birth father, but Lillian isn’t my birth mother. I always knew I was adopted, my birth mother died in Ireland, and it’s always been made to be this big family secret, but I didn’t know about him. He didn’t tell me until his death bed.”
“He wanted to clear his Conscience?”
I nod. “He asked me to forgive him.”
“Did you?”
“No,” I say, picking at a string on my pants. “No, I didn’t have enough time. He died a few hours after he told me, and I was too busy being mad.”
She puts her pen down and moves so she can get in my eye line. “You are aware you didn’t owe him your forgiveness Lena, right? You know that now, don’t you?”
I shrug. “Maybe.”
“I asked our first session if Kara had been able to grieve her parents dying, and you immediately said no.”
“I remember.”
“Have you grieved your parents?”
I take a sip of my tea. I wish Kara were here for this conversation, she wouldn’t have anything to add, but it would be nice to have her next to me. “I don’t remember my mother. I don’t even know her name.”
“Doesn’t make her death insignificant.”
“Of course not, but who grieves someone for the first time years after they killed themselves?”
I don’t know If I heard Dr. Ruth take a sharp breath or if I imagined it, but she’s looking at me with a new pitying look that wasn’t there before.
“Someone who never got the chance.” She says plainly.
Suddenly, tears overcome me. I instantly lean forward, putting my drink on the table and rushing my hands to my face.
I can remember crying myself to sleep the first night I was with the Luthor’s. I remember the way Lillian looked at me like I was misplaced. I remember waiting by the ocean for my mother to come out of the water. I remember it all.
“Does Kara know all this?”
I nod, wiping my tears.
“Good, because eventually, Lena, you are going to have to work on forgiveness too. Your mother, father, brother, Lillian, and yourself.”
This time I know, it’s me that takes in a sharp breath.