Archive of Our Own ^beta

It wasn't often that Bad drank alcohol, but he was plenty legal and sometimes, he just really didn't want to think about anything.

This is one of those points.

He's got a bottle of nice red wine, and he knows he shouldn't watch a stream and drink at the same time, but here he is.

Someone should be here, probably.

His roommate is with friends and will be for the rest of the weekend.

It's four in the afternoon, he's drinking for the first time in months straight out of the bottle, and he's watching the love of his life play on a dating show.

Wow.

Bad almost feels like he has no right to feel this upset about it.

Skeppy isn't his boyfriend, he doesn't know anything about Bad's feelings, and he's an adult with his own life.

They don't revolve around each other. It's sometimes easy to forget that, especially when Bad gets lost in his crush, but they are two individual people who just happen to be best friends.

The wine tastes dry on his tongue. Bad grimaces, remembering immediately why he doesn't do this often, but as soon as he sees Skeppy's face on the screen, he takes another drink and leans back in his chair.

This isn't healthy.

He knows that.

He should turn the Love or Host stream off, go to sleep, and try not to think about Skeppy.

Or he could stay here, support his best friend, and wallow in self-pity.

Bad doesn't often wallow in self-pity. It almost feels nice to indulge a little.

All the girls on the show are reasonably pretty, done up so they look as attractive as possible for Skeppy to choose from.

Because Skeppy is straight and does not like Bad romantically.

Best friends.

That's what they are, that's what they always will be.

God, he's such an idiot.

An idiot who hears Skeppy's giggle, feels something warm in his heart, then reminds himself why he can't do that and takes another drink of wine.

Austin asks questions and Skeppy answers them with things Bad already knew.

The stuff Bad didn't know makes his heart twist.

He knows a lot about Skeppy, but they've never talked about ideal first dates or even much about each other's romantic lives. The topic of romance doesn't often come up in their conversations, mostly because that's simply not what their friendship is built on.

Rat is curled up on the bed behind Bad, peacefully asleep, and he diverts his attention to her for a moment. She looks so calm, so nice compared to the swirling, angry thoughts in Bad's brain, and he's happy (not for the first time) that he has a companion like this.

He wishes Skeppy could be his companion as well.

But no, Skeppy's going to go on a date with one of these random women and probably fall in love with her and be happy.

Bad wants Skeppy to be happy. That's his goal in life, that's part of the reason why his heart is still beating.

If he could be happy as well, if he could be the reason Skeppy was happy, that would be ideal.

A quarter of the wine is gone by this point. Bad feels a little dizzy but a little better, emotions slowly being drowned out by the tart taste of fermented grapes and regret.

He calls Sapnap.

"Bad? I thought you were on Skeppy's stream." Sapnap's kind voice drifts through the speakers of his computer; he didn't bother to find headphones.

"No, no, can't do that."

"Are you- Bad, are you crying?"

Bad wipes a finger under his eye and sure enough, it comes back wet. "I guess so."

"Do you need help?"

"Yeah." Bad sniffles.

"Talk to me, dude. I hate hearing you upset."

"I hate being upset. It's just-" A sob escapes his throat and he has to set down the wine bottle.

"Are you drinking?"

"Yeah."

"Bad, is it... is it something about Skeppy?"

Bad nods, then remembers Sapnap can't see him.

The silence is enough, apparently. "The Love or Host, right?"

"Yeah." Bad feels pathetic when he says it.

"Bad, do you like Skeppy?"

"Mhm." He chokes out another sob. The stream is still playing in the background, muted but still very present in Bad's mind.

"Oh, honey."

Bad's never heard Sapnap call someone 'honey' before, but a drop of a Southern accent in the words and it feels comforting.

"Everyone keeps asking me why I'm not one of the contestants and it just really, really hurts."

"Oh, I can imagine." It's a sarcastic phrase but there's nothing but care in Sapnap's voice. "Have you told him anything?"

"Take a good look at the contestants and tell me why I should've said anything." Bad takes another long swig of wine before putting his head in his hands. "He obviously would've said no and there's a good chance I would've ruined our friendship in the process. I can't have that; I'd rather suffer in silence than lose him."

"Bad, I... I don't know what to tell you."

"I don't know what to tell me either!" Bad wails. "I've seen people talking about what it's like to be in love with their straight best friend but none of them are out in the public with a fanbase shipping you two together and friends replying lewd things to your tweets and then the best friend going on Twitch and flirting with girls for two hours while you just have to sit there and wonder what you should've done differently so you don't feel this way!" His fist connects with his desk and his eyes widen. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean-"

"No, no, it's okay, you're upset. Besides, you're a streamer. Streamers hit their desks out of anger all the time. It's no big deal, man."

"Okay." Bad bites his hand to hold back another sob. His throat feels raw and warm. "I hate this."

"I know you do." Sapnap sighs. "I wish I could give you a hug right now to help you feel better."

Bad hums, but a green tendril of jealousy sneaks into his throat as he remembers Sapnap has already hugged Skeppy when he hasn't gotten the chance. He shoves it down, knowing that in reality, he's just drunk and upset and not jealous of Sapnap. "I wish you could too. We're in the same state, even."

"Yeah, but Dream says 'no traveling' since there's been a new wave of cases around us."

It's Bad's turn to sigh. He and Skeppy would've met up months ago if not for the pandemic. "Corona was not fun so I think that's the best choice. I do want a hug, though."

"I'm sorry, Bad. Right now, though, all I can give you is some sage advice: turn off the stream, eat some kind of food to metabolize the alcohol, take a nice shower, and then go to sleep. I know it's early but I think you'll feel better when you've gotten some rest."

"No, no, I wanna be distracted right now."

"Uhhhhhhhhhhhh I could stream for a while and you could hop on the VC."

"That would be nice. I wanted to work on our house-" Bad's voice breaks on the 'our' and he pauses for a moment. The torrential downpour of tears has become a light sprinkle, but the lump in his throat widens again when he says it.

"We can build something stupid together, how about that? I could call George and Ant as well if that'll help."

"Yeah, that would be nice."

"But, you have to do all the things I said except for going to sleep. Food, shower, and a CLOSED stream. Got it?"

"Thanks, Mom. Yes, I've got it."

"Hey, I'm here to be a good mother. Now take a breath, shut the stream off, and I'll call you in 40 minutes."

In the next 40 minutes, Bad does just what Sapnap advised. He corks the wine, makes himself a turkey and cheddar sandwich, takes a long shower, and changes into a completely fresh set of clothes (clean hoodies hit different than 'I've worn this twice since it was washed' hoodies). Spotify projects a playlist named "we hate boys in this house", which is mostly just queer female love songs but it does wonders to get Bad's mind off of Skeppy.

Sapnap is remarkably good at distracting him from everything. Even with the dizzy warmth in his stomach, Bad feels comfortable as he, Sapnap, and George (Ant is busy) load up a fresh world and build beautiful treehouses in the highest jungle trees they can find.

They don't talk about the Love or Host, and eventually, it's only a blip in Bad's mind and a gentle sting in his eyes.

He falls asleep that night so quickly that he doesn't have time to overthink about Skeppy. Rat snuggles on his legs and once again, he's happy to have her.

Hopefully Skeppy found a nice girl.

Because Bad will always want him to be happy.