Chapter Text
If he’s completely honest, he isn’t sure he wants to be in this call. He’s definitely sure that he’s out of his element here, though.
To outsiders, the four of them together makes complete sense – they’re an established quartet. The Amigops, they’re fondly referred to as. A whole greater than the simple sums of its parts, with every single one leaning into each other’s personalities in different but equally interesting ways.
Playing with them will undoubtedly always be the best part of Sykkuno’s day, but it’s all that he’s used to. He’s not used to much more than that with them, or with anyone in his life, really. He’s definitely not well-equipped for anything beyond trying to give them as much joy playing together as they do for him. He’s never been a talker, never one to be good with his words.
But Rae wanted so badly for them to talk, and Sykkuno knows everything Rae does for his friends comes from a place of good intent, even if it’s not the easiest thing to do. The last thing he wants to do is disappoint her.
He worries about Toast, too – he’d sensed that something was just a little bit off about him during the stream, like a frame just slightly off-centre, like laughter too jarring, too sharp around the edges to be completely genuine.
He'd tried his hardest to make Toast enjoy himself during the stream, to make him smile and laugh and feel better, standing up for him when the rest of the world had their backs turned - but he’d failed. So when Rae had come to him, insisting that his presence will be useful despite his own beliefs, he couldn’t say no.
Toast will always be twice the friend he is. He’ll always be indebted to him, even if he tries his hardest his whole life to return the favour. But it’s all he can do, and it's the least Toast deserves.
And it looks like Corpse and Rae are handling the conversation well. They’ve always been more forthcoming, bold enough to wade into the thick of the struggles deeply-rooted even as they’re grimacing at the heat of honesty, of vulnerability. They were far more accepting, far more at peace with the existence of their demons, and they’ll always be braver, a thousand steps ahead of him even on the days they’re losing. He’s incredibly proud of them.
Especially Corpse. Sykkuno’s never asked him about his life or his past, but the former offers a transparency about himself that’s so apparent that it’s never felt like a need to see his face or know his name to really know his heart, to really know him and his thoughts. He’s already learned a lot about Corpse from secondary sources, and can’t help but feel for him. Corpse is so incredibly sweet, so incredibly good and talented, and so incredibly undeserving of all the things he’s had to go through, and from such a young age too. He knows from experience the struggle of being in the early twenties – the confusion, the loneliness, the feeling of constantly questioning your place and worth in this big, big world.
To go through that with the extension of his chronic illness and family background feels like too much hardship he can’t even begin to comprehend. It makes him feel protective of the younger – makes him want to wrap him up in everything soft and good, give him the love and protection and reassurance that he’d been deprived of, shielding him from the force of anything hard and cold and rough on skin.
He tries to translate his care for his friends through games, as childish as it sounds, but he knows that these things can only go so far, that despite the sheer intensity of his earnestness, they’re only specks in the vast world of his friends. They’ll always need more, deserve more, and it’s foolish of Sykkuno to keep living in a bubble of fantasy where they could wake up and play games and feel happy for the rest of their days.
“—ykkuno?” Rae’s call pulls him out of his train of thoughts, and he blinks to shrug off the last of them.
“Huh? Sorry, I was blanking out, what was that?”
Sykkuno’s unfiltered response draws a small chuckle from Corpse, and Toast scoffs in amusement.
"Sykkuno!" He can already imagine Rae’s offended expression from her tone. “You tuned out?! Have you been listening at all?”
“What – I,” He stammers. “Of course I have, I was just distracted for a second-"
“I get it Sykkuno, my problems are boring to you.” Toast deadpans, but his voice is light. Still, Sykkuno’s quick to refute it.
“Of course not, Toast. Everything you say matters to me.”
“Even my sex jokes?”
“Uhm. I-"
“You said everything.”
“I- yes, sure. Even your s– even your jokes.”
“Say it. Say sex.”
“Oh, Sykkuno, this is your time. Finally your time to swear!” Rae cuts in, sounding excited.
“What?!” He can hear Corpse muttering a quiet hell yeah in the background.
Rae’s insistent. “We’re all going out of our comfort zone today, it’s only fair you should too!”
“Sykkuno, if you say ‘fuck,’ I’ll paypal you money.” It’s Corpse this time, deep voice light in tone. “For your water bill.”
The callback makes Sykkuno laugh, and the tension in his chest eases. They all sound a tiny bit cheered up, more light-hearted.
“Tempting, but I think I’ll pass, Corpse.”
“It’s for Toast! to make up for zoning out when he was talking.”
Strangely enough, it felt very much like Rae’s pushing for her own Swearkkuno agenda under the selfless guise of thinking of Toast. Sykkuno says just as much, and it’s enough to make Toast snicker.
“Do it Sykkuno. For me.”
“Anything but that Toast, anything.”
“Anything? You sure?”
“Anything, Toast,” Sykkuno reassures. “You know what Toast? I would go to the ends of the Earth for you, if you ask.”
It’s silent from the other end for a while, and Sykkuno begins to fidget. But then –
“Even if I leave you there?” The other jokes, but he can hear the genuine smile in his words.
“Even if you leave me there.”
“What is happening,” Rae questions, voice in monotonous disbelief. It makes Corpse chuckle - but really, Corpse’s always chuckling when Sykkuno’s around. The man could breathe and Corpse would double-over and wheeze. “I’m third-wheeling again. Fourth-wheeling?”
For a while, the cloud dissipates, and Sykkuno feels glad that they’re on this call. All three of them sound better now, voices a little less heavier. Naturally, just as he begins to relax, the attention turns to him.
“What about you, Sykkuno?”
“Huh?”
Again, he can envision Rae’s face – the little flatline on her mouth everytime he plays dumb.
“We’ve all bared our a little of our souls today, it’s your turn.”
“Oh, I’ve been alright. I got to play with you guys today after all.”
“Sykkuno, I’m rolling my eyes right now.”
He sputters. “W-what do you mean?”
Rae’s adamant. “That’s not going to cut it, Sykkuno. How’ve you been been, you know? Been okay? You've been tired a lot lately.”
“Uhm, well. I’ve been a little tired, I think. But you know I have terrible sleep schedule.” Rae makes a noise like she’s about to cut in, but Sykkuno streamrolls on peacefully. “Plus, I woke up at 11 am yesterday. I think that threw off my body clock — but I did have a lot coffee, so I think I’m okay. I mean, I know I am, since I could wake up today, uhm. But yeah, I’ve been okay. I’m planning to take a nap later, and then I’ll get some food or something.”
Rae grumbles, Toast snorts, and Corpse is silent.
— •
For the longest time, Corpse’s always seen Sykkuno as an enigma. When they’d first met, he’d seem unassuming – he figured he was just incredibly shy, and that he’ll get to know him better soon enough. He’d quickly hit it off with Rae, who’d always seemed the most eager to have a conversation with someone outside of just gaming together, and she’d quickly adopted a big sister role in his life for which he’s eternally grateful for.
Everything is easy with Rae, and he treasures her deeply. Everything she does, she does it fiercely. Fiercely loyal, fiercely honest, fiercely kind – and yet, she was so incredibly tender at heart underneath the spirit, wearing her heart on her sleeves but loving so bravely in spite of the vulnerability.
He and Toast did not have the most personal relationship for the first few months. The man had always looked so put-together that Corpse felt that he was a little out of his league. He held deep admiration and respect for the man, and if he was honest – he was always in awe of him. The man pulled off everything with a superior flair - had the intellect and the wit, and underneath the huge reputation on his shoulders, an even huger heart that he felt the need to hide from everyone.
Perhaps that was what humanized him to Corpse. When he had cracked, bit by bit, from under the weight, Corpse felt he could understand him better, that they weren’t as bridged as he thought they were. They were similar in the sense that they were unapologetically honest about their pain and struggles, even if Toast was far more inclined to intellectualise them, and when Corpse had learned that Toast was open to talking about them, he’d felt much closer to the man.
But Sykkuno..
Corpse always felt just a little lost when he’s around the older man. Sykkuno has a knack of confusing everyone around him, playing with their minds with so much ease it would feel wicked and unsettling if it wasn’t under the control of a man with a soft laugh and an even softer heart - though Sykkuno is certainly cunning enough to pull it off if he so wants to. He simply chooses not to, and that’s the biggest power move Corpse’s seen anyone do.
Fast forward several months later, and he sometimes feels like they’ve never budged from square one. Sure, Sykkuno’s a mile less reticent from when they’d first started, always eager to reciprocate his ‘advances’ instead of when it’d just been Corpse who always seemed to be the more enthusiastic out of the two.
He’d always thought it was amusing, how openly he ‘simped’ for the man, but Sykkuno always had that charm around him, an airy openness that felt so gentle and light that Corpse found himself wanting to gush about him and be around him without any sort of pretense.
(And maybe, maybe, he enjoys the slight flush in the other man’s cheeks everytime he flirted with him or complimented him, completely enraptured by the little shy smile or the fluster in his eyes.)
Looking at it now, he’s not the only one. If Sykkuno wills it so, people would jump off a cliff for him. He’s learned that under the shy demeanour, Sykkuno wields a sharp tongue and an even sharper wit - incredibly clever and funny, despite always pretending to be clueless, and so incredibly humble to an almost fault.
He’s had his fair share of underestimating the man before his world was quickly turned upside down by Sykkuno. It’s funnily manifested into a constant suspicion when they’re playing together; a part of him will always be scared of being one-upped by Sykkuno’s tricks (and yet, he always seems to be).
Surprises operate in a way that you’d learn something new after the initial shock wears off, right? A learned tidbit that’ll diminish the shock factor the next time, and instead offer the feeling of familiarity. With Sykkuno, he’s just always surprised, always caught off guard and knocked off his feet without reaping any kind of knowledge after. It makes him feel like they’re not on even ground, a constant push and pull in which Sykkuno's always just a little out of reach.
Granted, he’s never felt like Sykkuno does it with any ill-will or to gain any sort of leverage. Sykkuno seems perfectly content to let everyone else be, never expecting from anyone – so unlike the curious nature of people, especially in this day and age where secrets are always so ceaselessly aired out, either by volition or by force.
He supports you in a way that never feels calculated or ingenuine, with a fervour that’s subtle but with an undercurrent of strength that’s so shamelessly earnest Corpse almost shies away from it.
And Sykkuno never expects anything back – never does it for some sort of upperhand. He just does it out of the goodness of his terribly kind heart, and for all his awkward spaciness that somehow reduces Corpse to an even more awkward, stuttering himbo, he knows Sykkuno tries to adapt to his friends, to give them something, even if he doesn’t quite know what, letting you choose where to steer with the unspoken promise that he’d be not far behind, so dependable, like your lingering favourite scent, or a reassuring breath.
He has found himself accidentally being ignored by the man multiple times, the other either caught up responding to chat or simply spacing out. Sykkuno’s always just in his head, lost to the world at times, unwittingly creating distance between him and everyone else that had Corpse feel something that resembled a lot like longing. He finds himself completely enamoured with what little parts Sykkuno is willing to share with his friends, wanting to know more about Sykkuno, to be closer to the man, to offer him comfort and reassurance the way Sykkuno’s presence effortlessly does.
Corpse finds himself fascinated by it, yearning it the way a child would seek for an object of affection, a twitch of his fingers in the way he’s always so tempted to bare his frenzy out in the open. It emboldens him to say the most ridiculous, impulsive things towards Sykkuno, never quite having the time to worry about how he’d react because he could never tell with Sykkuno, anyway.
Not that he’d have to worry much; Sykkuno’s quick on his feet, far capable of getting himself out of uncomfortable spots with such fluid evasion it impresses Corpse to no end, the smooth cadence of his voice never faltering as he spins the subject of discussion on its head.
As with his gameplays, Sykkuno toes into the realm of misdirection and half-truths to confuse his way out of anything he wants to escape, with all the i might’ves and what ifs, all while never telling a single lie and leaving everyone else’s minds reeling as they’re the ones forced to come to a conclusion. He is a walking paradox, a complete contradiction, and Corpse is a reverent fan.
And maybe that translates into the way he tackles life too. Sykkuno is a locked chest out in the complete open. Always so visible, yet never transparent. So earnest, yet so unreadable. Predictable only in his unpredictability.
Familiar yet so estranged.
Corpse is selfish, is desperate. He wants to know more, can’t stop thinking of more, more, more. Wants to be trusted by Sykkuno the way he knows he can put full trust in Sykkuno. He takes everything he can get, asking all the random questions and keeping what morsels of information Sykkuno gives tight in his chest. Sykkuno hates geese because he was attacked by one, Sykkuno loves the colour green and blue, Sykkuno’s dog Bimbus is really just a family dog-
But what ticks Sykkuno off? What makes him lose sleep at night, what makes his heart hurt? What does he think of the world? What makes him weak in the knees, how does he like to be hugged, and what touches his heart?
What would he think of Corpse’s face?
But Corpse can never bring himself to ask in fear of making the older uncomfortable. Now that he’s so used the radiance in the other's eyes whenever he smiles or laughs so openly, or to the way he could effortlessly charm an entire server when he’s far more comfortable or self-assured, or to the way he’d easily tap into mischief with a playful lilt his voice, so light and open and easy – Corpse would rather realise his namesake and die than rob that from Sykkuno. It’s no easy feat to fight through the nerves, through the social anxiety - that much he knows from experience.
He has a feeling that Sykkuno would immediately withdraw and retreat into himself if he senses so much as an ounce of potential discomfort coming his way, and what little progress would certainly be undone. It reminds him of mimosa plants, eternally shying away from even the faintest of touch, no matter how loving or tender. This little observation has him tip-toeing around the man, always ending up uncharacteristically fumbling with his own sentences within the other's proximity.
Still, it doesn’t stop him from wondering. What had made him that way? Who made him that way?
Is he still hurting? Does he feel irrevocably alone? It must be lonely, living like that.
There is no happiness in avoidance - only a flimsy, pale imitation of it. Only loneliness, being so secretive of his thoughts and feelings, a plain but impenetrable fortress around his heart. Pain and relief, trust and mistrust. Heartbreaks and falling in love, happiness and sadness - they're tethered to each other, like two sides of the same coin. Is it not just a different sort of misery, fully depriving yourself of the prospect of having the good in your desperate resolve to erase all the bad?
Maybe Sykkuno's made peace with this knowledge; maybe he's settled for the next best thing. Maybe this distorted version of happy is the only one he can delude himself into feeling. Corpse feels guilty for coming to this assumption, but the thought gnaws at his mind all the same.
After all, Sykkuno has shared about his past – of the severe social anxiety, of the bullying, of his insecurities and lack of friends growing up – but he’d always gloss over them, reciting them like he's talking in some sort of autobiography. Always so vague, so surface-level, spoken about in a way that felt like dismissal. That has Corpse feeling a strange tug in his chest, a wave of protectiveness and curiosity woven into emulsion, always leading him to pay just a little more attention to Sykkuno.
But Sykkuno’s always kept his composure, always the same — that voice, as smooth as silk, gentle, soft, never carrying any indication of pain or unhappiness, but instead, everything light and good and airy.
Until that one day; Corpse remembers it all too clearly. He’d been scrolling Twitter, and suddenly news of Sykkuno breaking down, had flooded his timeline. He’d watched in real-time as the man’s voice cracked, as did something in Corpse's heart, pulling off his facecam and staying silent the remainder of the game as Ludwig spoke in his behalf. He had ended the stream immediately after, wiping the VOD off his channel.
It was difficult to watch, seeing Sykkuno’s soft, easygoing disposition completely falter. It felt like being robbed of the Sun on a winter morning, the warm glow receding away from skin. He never quite mustered the courage to send him a message as he wasn’t even a part of the lobby, but he’d liked all the support for the man he saw on Twitter, and hoped that he saw.
But the very next time he went live, he’d tuned into the older man’s stream and Sykkuno had acted like nothing was wrong. Like he wasn’t, out of nowhere, brought to near-tears – it seemed like the whole debacle had rolled off his skin like water on leaf. Outside of briefly reassuring his chat and asking for them to stop sending hate to his friends, he’d moved on without looking back, never even quite delving into the source of his distress.
The man had slipped back into normalcy so seamlessly. He felt that the reasons were unrightfully trivialized by the rest of the world, always too eager to speculate and judge, and shit, maybe that's why Sykkuno chooses to stay so detached from the rest of the world. As soft-spoken as the older is, Corpse knows that he isn't as fragile as people make him out to be, and that is why the incident keeps him wondering to this day. What had chipped at his soul so deeply? What had fractured layers and layers of protection Sykkuno had wrapped himself in?
Corpse worries about his friends a hell lot, but Sykkuno’s always given him the least to worry about - and he’s learned that it’s people like that he should always be worried about most.
Even now, he’s dodging Rae’s question, surprisingly yet unfailingly obstinate. A part of him is amused at the other’s sneaky ways, but this time he’s as desperate as Rae is to get him to open up.
“Sykkuno, you know what I mean.” Rae’s voice is unwavering, but so is Sykkuno’s will.
“Huh– well you DID ask me how I’ve been lately. My life’s not really entertaining Rae, you know that. I guess I’ve been playing a lot of Bloons TD-"
Rae cuts him off with an indignant Sykkuno, and this time Toast full-on guffaws.
—•
Above all, Toast values candour. He’s assertive, blunt, forthcoming. But even he has to respect Sykkuno’s complete mastery of diversion, his tactics always just a inch away from deception, always in lies by omission, managing to spin tales and chatter away without revealing anything about himself. It’s impressive and amusing, a fact that Toast had first begrudgingly accepted, but is now completely admirative about.
He’d figured out gradually how clever the man was, how quick and sharp his mind works – he has everyone completely fooled. People underestimate him, but only because he’s never felt compelled to prove anyone wrong, only because he wants them to. They pin him as clueless, when really, he’s the one spinning circles around them.
They both seem to click, an unspoken, almost telepathic synergy between the two that’s impressive to watch. Whatever strategy or deduction Toast makes, Sykkuno’s never far behind, always the fastest to read Toast’s lead and grasp the situation.
To his own credit, Toast has put in enormous effort to map the other man out, always observing the other man’s antics or perceiving the other man’s thought-processes through what feels like cryptic puzzles and vague, half-clues. Sykkuno and Toast are alike in that sense - in the way that they’re both extremely logical and perceptive in solving things - Toast’s just always been more secure in his attributes, and Sykkuno more laid-back and less victory-hungry, severely lacking the confidence Toast has in his own intellect.
That doesn’t always lead to much. Toast may know his inner-workings, but even he doesn’t quite have the privilege of fully seeing who Sykkuno is inside his walls. The man’s guarded, and despite the frequency in the way he jokes about his insecurities, Toast knows it’s one thing Sykkuno’s not willing to compromise.
Everyone has their defence mechanism, after all. If Toast’s persuasion is an unstoppable force, Sykkuno’s walls are the unmovable objects – and despite everyone perceiving Sykkuno to be mild-mannered, his civility is not to be mistaken with compliance. His conviction is just of the subtler sort, reflected inwards instead of out, never quite feeling the pressure to impose on others.
It's what makes him unique, what gains Toast’s complete admiration and respect. And really, who is he to judge, when he’s got problems of his own? He’s tried, but Sykkuno wouldn’t budge, only slipping in anecdotes and facts that Toast is forced to analyse and make sense of for a bigger picture of the man.
He can’t even fault Sykkuno on a technicality – he’s given people the illusion of knowing who he is by baring out the basics of his own life-story, never one to shy away from self-depreciation - but if one would just look any closer into him, they’d come up with a blank.
“Come on Sykkuno,” Rae’s pleading now. “You know what, I realised I know next to nothing about you. We’ve been streaming almost everyday with each other, and I don’t even think I know your last name! I didn’t even know you had a driving license until recently.”
“Well you never asked,” the other quips smoothly, a innocuous retort that makes both witnesses snort.
“Well, I’m asking now!”
It’s silent for a bit, and if Toast isn’t still coming down from the effect of his edibles, he might’ve instantly noticed the slight tone shift the moment he said oh. It’s almost imperceptible, but he only just grasps it when the words are already out of Sykkuno’s mouth.
“Oh. I thought you said you didn’t want us to know each other that way, Rae.”
Toast’s jaw hangs, the implications of the sentence reeling in his head. He almost expects Rae to say something, but she seems to be stunned into silence, save for an almost inaudible stutter. On his end, Corpse’s silent, most probably confused. He doesn’t think the youngest is aware of the other two’s history.
He himself isn’t completely in the know, but he was there for almost the entirety of it - back when their interactions were always pushed into the limelight, back when their rapidly blooming friendship faltered at the all the voices and speculation and demands.
It came to a point where Rae had publicly confessed to not wanting to play games with Sykkuno because of all the attention, of all the sensationalism that had forced distance between the two and stolen the warmth of secret, genuine intimacy.
Toast only knew because Rae had called him immediately, regret catching up to her. It was something that came to her in the heat of the moment; she hadn’t even talked to Sykkuno about it. He remembered the almost frantic manner she’d texted the other man, admirably quick in wanting to rectify the situation, to smooth out any misunderstanding. It took Sykkuno hours to answer.
it’s okay.
Rae didn’t seem to believe it, guilt and worry vibrant in the tone of her voice.
“Why didn’t you just call him first? Why’d you come to me?”
“I don’t know, I feel like you’d have the best advice to give. You or Lily know him more, and I don’t really want Lily involved in this.”
“Rae, I know you better than that. You’re normally always straight to the point, why is this any different?”
“ . . I feel like I haven’t talked to Sykkuno in a while because of everything. I don’t know how to reach out to him. Everything just feels weird.”
Toast could understand where she came from. Above all, she just didn’t want to jeopardise their friendship she fiercely treasures – Sykkuno would be too kind to come clean to Rae if he was ever bothered by it, too willing to feign blissful ignorance that Rae herself never quite got the hang of, and Rae had simply thought she was making the choice for them by creating the distance. It was a classic trope.
He also had a sneaking suspicion that some of it was in self-preservation. He’s never been the most emotionally-adept, but even Lily had agreed that Sykkuno and Rae could've had a thing for each other. He'd seen the way they stole glances at each other, the way they'd subconsciously prioritize each other over everyone else in vicinity.
Heard the way Rae's voice would soften during the quieter moments with Sykkuno, always bordering on something that felt a little too genuine without her quite realising it herself. Heard the way she'd laugh at one of his random spiels, the sun warming up her chest all light and warm as the man's voice enraptured the world, leaning into him like he was the Sun.
Seen how Sykkuno took note of everything about Rae, always so earnest, so giving, soft voice impossibly softer when he was around her. He knew the other man had never quite gotten the chance to fall for someone before - but it felt like if there was anyone he could fall for, it would have been Rae - or maybe, he'd already fallen all along.
But Sykkuno was (and is) so barricaded, and Rae was still reeling from a recent break-up. It was unfortunate, really. For something as inherently romantic, love was terribly pragmatic. Having everyone assume everything about them surely confused even their own feelings - made them feel like they weren’t even theirs to decide, made them feel unsure of the other.
She probably came to the conclusion that if she won’t reach out for the next step, Sykkuno definitely wouldn’t – and maybe that felt too much like preconceived rejection. It was only natural for her to protect herself.
He wonders if the regret still stings for them - or if it felt better off for them to stay a sweet, unfulfilled memory. Something that couldn't be tainted.
For the most part, Sykkuno seemed to take it in stride, letting Rae decide what she was comfortable with, and how she wanted things to be. Their dynamic had shifted after, more akin to their current interactions that felt more like bickering friends than anything else. But Toast had wondered how Sykkuno reacted to it.
They’ve always been similar – and he’s sure that like him, the other kept his past traumas close to himself, a voice in the back of their heads that’s always lurking. Had he blamed himself for the way things turned out? Had he taken it as a direct rejection of his worth? If he did, he disguised it well.
— •
Corpse feels like he’s out of the loop. Something in Sykkuno’s reply and Rae’s subsequent response felt loaded. He badly wants to ask about it, but something in the air stops him.
“I’m just - that was a joke Rae, that was a joke,” Sykkuno adds hastily, like he’s dying to take his words back.
“You aren’t,” Rae replies softly, and it has Sykkuno repeating himself again. Rae backs down for Sykkuno’s sake, acquiescing, but she’s mostly quiet for a bit, until Corpse can’t take it much longer.
“Wait, you said you’ll go to the ends of the Earth for Toast? What about us?”
“Hm? Oh, of course Corpse. Well, not in this pandemic, of course - but - but maybe after. I can even go back to LA, and you can introduce me to the vegan pizza, right?” Almost against his will, a smile tugs at Corpse’s lips, and he finds himself agreeing. You’ll learn very quickly that it’s hard to say no to Sykkuno.
“I honestly didn’t expect you to be vegan. You just seem so . . meat-loving.” Rae’s recovered quick, and has joined the conversation again. In the background, Toast snickers, mind no doubt diving straight into the gutter. Corpse himself wheezes.
“Yeah? I guess it’s a random fact. What about you guys?”
“I don’t know - I feel like all my friends know too much about me. I’m not the most private person around here,” Rae laughs.
“Oh no, that’s definitely Sykkuno,” Toast mutters, and Corpse immediately grunts in agreement.
“What?”
“We went through this Sykkuno,” Toast deadpans. “You spent five minutes deflecting Rae’s questions.”
“I mean, you haven’t told us a random fact, Toast!”
“Oh. I used to live in Malaysia.”
“Wait really?” Corpse says, the same time Rae interjects with “Well, that’s in your draw my life.”
“Well, it’s novel information to Corpse, so it counts,” the oldest shoots back smugly.
“Wait, wait, Corpse’s literally faceless,” Sykkuno points out, before he hastily continues. “And he can be faceless as long as he wants! But you know, that’s uh. That’s private. And he’s definitely more interesting.”
“Oh no, you’re definitely more interesting,” Corpse’s quick to refute, raising a brow.
“What - no, of course not.”
“Yes, I feel like I want to know more about you.”
“Huh? Like what? You can ask, Corpse.” There’s his voice again, so sweet, so gentle.
Corpse takes a moment to ponder, before a seemingly mundane thing pops up in his head.
“Do you always wear that wristband everywhere you go?” Corpse’s noticed the wristband on the man’s right wrist for a while now - the man seemed to wear it even in rare pictures where he’s off-stream.
“Oh.”
“Oh right, I always wondered about that,” Rae chimes in.
“Yeah, yeah - I - yeah, I do. I have - uh, like a weird birthmark thing that I’m a little self-conscious of.”
There’s a chorus of Ohs, and Corpse files that tidbit in his mind.
“Does it itch?” Rae asks, and Corpse can almost imagine Sykkuno furrowing his brows from the confusion in his voice at the absurdity of the question.
“I- What? Uh, I guess, sometimes. I take it off when I’m alone.”
“I’m sure it doesn’t look bad at all,” Rae interjects, voice gentle.
“Maybe - but I just don’t really like looking at it." The dismissal in his voice adopts an air of finality - for some reason, there’s something about it he doesn’t want to talk about.
And maybe it’s from exhaustion, or because they had a long talk and Corpse’s come to realise how severely important it is to check up on his friends, but he finally decides to throw caution into the wind, not wanting to skirt around the man.
“Sykkuno, you’re okay right?”
“W- what?” The man stammers, the end of his question raised in genuine surprise. He’s flustered. “W-why do you ask?”
“I-“ suddenly, Rae and Toast’s presence felt prominent, their silence almost deafening. He didn’t mind getting personal in front of them, but he’s almost sure Sykkuno isn’t so willing.
For how elusive the man is, his body language has always been far too honest, betraying his discretion- Corpse can always tell by his voice or by his face when something’s making him uncomfortable.
“I just felt like I needed to ask.”
“Oh. I’m okay, Corpse. Don't you worry.”
—•
It’s been hours since they ended the call, but Corpse still finds himself thinking of it. He’s glad Toast hasn’t plunged too deeply into self-detrimental thoughts. His cry for help had left Corpse anxious and very concerned. It’s easy to forget you’re equally vulnerable when you’ve always been picking up the pieces for everybody else, and maybe he hasn't quite realised all this while how close he himself was to breaking.
And Rae had sounded alright, for the most part - tired, but relieved that Toast is okay, happy that they finally had a talk.
It’s Sykkuno that’s taking up his thoughts. He’s not sure if what he’s feeling has a name to it, but it feels similar to being deprived of closure.
Checking Discord, he sees that Sykkuno’s just logged off of a game, but the green circle indicates that he’s still online. Not allowing himself to mull over it too long, he switches over to their DMs and sends a message before he could back out.
Corpse
Hey, Sykkuno. Are you free?
Sykkuno
i am now, why?
Corpse
Can I call you?
Sykkuno
oh uh sure!
“Corpse?” his voice sounds quieter - whispery, just a hint of sleepy, low and fuzzy from the digital distortion of the phone call. Fluttery, like gentle butterfly wings, a quieter sort of soft that has Corpse understanding why people are so enticed by his voice. He's definitely not immune to it himself.
“Yeah - I. I just wanted to say something.”
“U-huh?”
“I just wanted to make sure again that you’re - that you’re okay.”
“Oh-“ there it is again, the surprise. This time it’s expressed in a laugh, soft and precious. “I am, I am. T-thanks for asking, Corpse. But why do you keep ..” he trails off, obviously not wanting to be rude. “Nevermind, thank you for asking. I appreciate it.”
Corpse’s determined tonight - he’s not going to back down. He’s starting to learn how to talk to Sykkuno - leave as little room as possible for any room for deflection.
“I asked because,” he pauses, and his voice softens. When does it not, around Sykkuno? “I felt like I got to know Toast and Rae a little better but . . But I don’t think you said much about yourself - And I’m just. Yeah, I was just.” Worried, lost, confused.
“Oh - I mean, I was mostly worried about Toast, you know?”
“Mm. Did you enjoy the call though?”
“Sure. It did feel a lot like a support group.”
Corpse laughs quietly, settling on his bed. Sykkuno laughs in tow, and Corpse is reminded of bell chimes. “Sy, if it’s a legitimate support group, you have to actually open up.”
“That’s true,” Sykkuno acquiesces lightly, and Corpse exhales.
“I don’t want to be nosy or anything,” he starts, only half-hearing Sykkuno’s immediate of course you’re not , “but I . . I can’t read you Sykkuno. I can never tell if you’re sad or in pain, if you ever need m – if you ever need anyone. And I’m afraid.” It’s painfully honest, and Corpse feels liberated, even if a part of him grimaces. There’s always something anxiety-inducing about baring your heart out.
But it’s all true. If it was up to him, Corpse would want to make sure nothing bad ever happens to Sykkuno. But they both know that can never the case, no matter how badly Corpse wants it to be.
“Corpse, I . .” He can imagine the older scrambling to find a response, and suddenly wishes he could see him right now. To see if he's alright. “I’m sorry,” he finally settles on an apology.
“No, no- please don’t” Corpse rushes to say, words almost falling over each other in his haste. This is not what he wants to happen. “Never apologise - I know a lot of things are hard to talk about.”
“Yeah, yeah - life’s tough, you know?”
“Mm, I’d drink to that,” he says quietly, chuckling lowly at Sykkuno’s quiet Oh Jesus. Maybe - maybe if Corpse takes the lead, Sykkuno will be more open to follow. “You know, I’ve been thinking of going on Dr. K’s stream.”
“Oh, wow, really?”
“Yeah.” He closes his eyes, rolling onto his side. “But I can’t even bring myself to stream a live Q&A, so I don’t know if that’ll happen anytime soon.”
“Mm-hm- That’s okay, though. I get nervous by things like that too.” A beat of silence, and then, “Dr. K invited me once.”
Corpse’s eyes fly open, and he hums in curiosity. “Really? Did you say no?”
The other’s exhale drags into a quiet yeah. “Honestly, I’m.. There are a lot of things I’m not sure I want to talk about on stream. Maybe one day - but not yet. I feel like I’d talk about it to my close friends first, you know?”
“I’m- I’m a close friend, right?”
“Oh- I,” The other stammers too, and Corpse wonders how they’ve been able to have a conversation all this time. “I- if you- do you think we’re close friends? I don’t want- I don’t want to assume or anything-“
“Yes,” Corpse cuts in gently. “I think so. I trust you.”
There’s a rustle from the other side of the call, and when Sykkuno responds, there’s a flash of something in his voice. Something that resembles a lot like longing.
“Wow- I’m. I’m honoured, Corpse.”
“Mm.” Corpse lets out a breath he’s been holding. “Why don’t you talk about it?” He says it slowly, cautiously, afraid that he’d overstep. Sykkuno’s system pretty much had a tendency to freeze like an animal playing dead.
“There are things I hold in to keep me safe,” he starts off slowly, steadily. “Things I keep in because talking about them makes me sad.”
Something in the way he says it feels a lot like resignation as opposed to acceptance, like he’s been backed into a corner and has learned to make peace with it. It’s sombre - feels too much like defeat. It’s also the most honest thing Sykkuno’s shared to date.
“If you ever need to talk about it- I’m. I’m here, you know? You could call me at 4 am and I wouldn’t even be pissed.”
“Wow, really - wait, 4 am? Don’t you need sleep?”
“Sykkuno,” he deadpans, an amused smile curling on his lips. “I know you play games at that hour.” It elicits a laugh from the other, and Corpse feels accomplished.
“How did you even know that - okay, you caught me.”
“Of course I know.” Maybe exhaustion is his liquid courage, because he doesn’t stop the next few words from tumbling out of his mouth. “I always watch your stream. I’m a fan.”
“Wait - Corpse, really?”
“Are you surprised?”
“A little bit, I’m going to be honest.”
“You shouldn’t be. You’re wonderful, Sykkuno. You’re the funniest person I know, and you’re smart and kind.” And beautiful.
The other makes a sound of surprise, and Corpse wonders if he’s blushing. Wonders if a shy curl of a smile is gracing his lips.
“I- you’re . . You’re a nice guy, Corpse. I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone say that about me.”
“I’m sure they do,” He replies softly. “Maybe - maybe you just never believe them.”
“I - maybe. It’s hard to know who to believe sometimes.” Sykkuno admits, voice soothingly breathy and thinning at the ends. “If they’re actually being nice, or if they’re just pretending to. And then sometimes they’re just straight up honest.”
“What do they usually say?”
“Not a lot of nice things,” He admits, his laugh half-hearted. The sound sparks a wave of anger in Corpse’s chest. “I don’t really want to get into it. But that’s just how it goes.”
“They must be assholes. That’s the only explanation.”
“I don’t know about that - maybe they were just in a bad place.” Corpse almost groans in disbelief. Even now, his kindness is unfazed. “Yeah, I wasn’t very good at making friends growing up.”
The older trails off briefly, before continuing.
“I don’t know what I was doing wrong. I wasn’t particularly funny or cool. I was really shy. I tried to be nice to everyone, you know? But a lot of the times they weren’t really nice back. Sometimes I think that they are, but then they’d laugh at my face like the whole thing was a prank, and I’d be the only one who’s not laughing.”
Corpse’s jaw clenches as he listens, frowning.
“It’s like .. Like I was the common factorin every equation. Maybe there was just something wrong with me, you know? There must be something in me people don’t like.” The older pauses, seemingly lost in thought. “They definitely didn’t have a problem telling me that. So you know - It’s - Um. Corpse?”
“. . I’m here.”
There’s a bitter taste in his mouth, the muscles in his jaw aching how long he’s strained it. His heart clenches, from anger, from sorrow, from love.
“So uh, yeah - But that’s a long time ago. And their words don't feel too harsh anymore when I’m already the harshest to myself, you know?” Corpse gives a sharp inhale at that, leaving Sykkuno to continue in a haste. “Okay, that was a joke, that was a joke, um. But yeah. It’s okay, though. There’s a lot of nice people around now too.” His voice is light again, the same kind of practised airy that it adopts when he’s trying to smooth over things.
“If we had known each other before, I would’ve thought you were cool.”
Sykkuno laughs, but it sounds dim. “I don’t know about that, Corpse. But thank you, I appreciate it.”
How badly did they mess him up, for Sykkuno to be hard-wired into immediately assuming the worst of himself? For his mind to translate every compliment into a lie, for him to treat every mean comment as the absolute truth? How many times did he have to shrug them off for him to become so wary of trust, for him to become numbed from the sting?
For him to learn to accept the hurt with both hands, freely toeing into the it until it’s no longer foreign, familiar enough for him to detach himself from?
“Corpse? I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have-“
“No, no. I said I’ll listen, remember?” He could listen to Sykkuno for the rest of his life. “I was just thinking about how I’d have to shower you with more compliments to drown out the mean ones.”
It catches Sykkuno off-guard, and this time his laugh is brighter, just a shade of shy. If Corpse could see him right now, he’d see the flush in his cheeks and the crinkle in his eyes, hand reaching up to cover his mouth just a beat late.
“You can’t steal my job, Corpse. I was planning to do that.”