Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Jake hadn't planned on, well, befriending Sunoo.

To be honest, he hadn't planned on a lot of this. He rolls over in bed and stares blankly at the ugly, Monster High-themed digital clock Sunghoon got for his birthday three years ago as a joke and lets the bright 01:57 burn into his eyeballs. He deserves the pain and the hurt—maybe it'll wash over him like a bucket of ice and bring him back to a reality where he didn't have a crush on a guy. Oh my god I have a crush on a guy.

He's pretty sure it's a crush, really. What else do you call looking at your guy friend and feeling like your heart is beating in your throat? The sky is wide, like a blue canvas with some wool pulled over it. Jake's heart is merely, what, the size of a fist? And it's still filled to the brim with thoughts of Kim Sunoo.

He shoots up in bed and punches the air, gritting his teeth even though no one's here to tuck him in and kiss him goodnight. If only Sunoo were here he'd—

Kim Sunoo is the root of this problem. And Jake needs to do something about it.

It isn't more like... the idea of possibly liking both girls and guys (one so far, if he's keeping a record) that has the fear manifest on his face, brows meeting in the middle.That makes a lot of sense to him now, actually. No, maybe it's really because Sunoo is Choi Soobin's soon-to-be brother when their parents wed, and Soobin detests Jake's ass. For good reason, because all it takes is one dark moment to change someone's opinion of you. Soobin had walked in through the backdoor after seeing off his boyfriend, Kai, and Jake had just arrived at the Chois' when he tripped over the ugly brown rug they insisted on laying out at the entrance and landed on poor, surprised Sunoo who'd come to get the door.

What happened in the next few minutes was a blur. Jake recalls quite a lot of screaming on Soobin's part, and equal parts giggling shaking the Adam's Apple on Sunoo's throat. It wasn't until six months later that it'd occurred to Jake: wait. How'd I know that Sunoo's throat had been bobbing like an earthquake? I've been paying attention to all the little details this whole time?

Then Sunoo had added fuel to the fire by wrapping his arms around Jake's neck, pulling him closer, into a tighter embrace that definitely wasn't planned. His breathy laughs kept blowing air onto the shell of his ear, and all his senses had been fired up, unsure of how to register the moment so they just sent him through a flurry of five options—embarrassment, for reasons that didn't need introduction nor explanation; extreme panic, because Soobin had looked like he was ready to rain hellfire upon Jake for even touching his baby brother; pure giddiness and glee, because he was really melting into this hug, and he could get used to how cuddly Sunoo is; a fleeting moment of sadness because he knows he's going to have to detach himself from the younger boy at some point; and an incoherent jumble of thoughts that sounded like a mantra of insanity, ohmygod,iwanttosqueezesunoo. 

"Get off of Sunoo right now!" Soobin had staggered over to them in shock, and Jake was scrambling to get off the floor, fingernails not quite finding purchase on the floorboards but the brat had circled his arms around Jake's waist and was latching on for dear life, clearly just to complicate things further. When Jake had briefly locked eyes with Sunoo while he was faced with his fight-or-flight predicament, Sunoo had the gall to wink. He was enjoying this ruckus a little too much.

If there's one thing anyone should know about Kim Sunoo, it's that he stirs shit up just for the sake of the chaos. He thrives in an economy of pandemonium, the reigning king over a mess that he started. It's really hell to deal with, a bunch of knots to untangle, when Jake is the new subject of Sunoo's social experiments, but it's endearing to watch the younger boy doubling over with laughter after pulling the most childish of tricks so no one tells him to stop.

Really, it didn't mean much back then—it was just a moment where white, hot humiliation amplified the sound of blood pumping in his ears.

But now, Jake's having a belated realization that he might've just made his future brother-in-law disapprove of him even before he'd caught up to his feelings for Sunoo.

Future brother-in-law?

He's losing his mind. He's sure of it. Jake slips out of bed and pads to his desk, where he switches on the lamp and forgets that it's on maximum brightness. So there's this awkward moment where he just stands there, hands glued to his sides as his eyes are squeezed shut while they readjust. When he lets them fly open again out of impatience alone, Jake still feels a little blinded but he opens the first drawer to fish out his pen anyway, his other hand occupied with grabbing the first notebook he finds.

Flipping to an empty page, Jake starts scrawling right away:

Ways to fall out of love with Sunoo—convince yourself he's a friend and nothing more!

1. Have a friendly dinner with him and the gang (gang must be there)

2. Plan a small argument with him so you can have a friendly debate over something stupid

3. Ask everyone to go on a road trip where we write letters to each other and read them aloud over the bonfire,

platonically so that it's very clear we're all just a bunch of good buddies. :)

When he's done, Jake holds the piece of note some distance away from his face and smiles, a little bit of pride blooming in his chest.

Yes, he thinks, this should do the trick.

-

Somehow Jake blinks and the next day is already in full swing. They're all over at Soobin's house, occupying different corners either playing (attempting to) ping-ping in the backyard or video games upstairs. Soobin and Sunghoon are just sprawled over the former's bed, flipping idly through comics without actually reading, just letting their eyes roam over the colored pictures. It's a pretty normal day for them, but why does it feel so different today?

See, Sunoo's a really easygoing person. When you're talking to him, it feels like walking into a home you've already been to before, where all the furniture's worn and faded with years of use, where the walls bear marks of handprints made when you were younger. But when you fall into bed at night and turn the conversation over in your head again—you kinda realize that you don't really know know him. He's only been integrated into their friend group because he's Soobin's brother, and when they hang out at the older guy's house, Sunoo's always there, shoved into their hands to be babysat. Everyone likes Sunoo—save for Jongseong, who wears this strange, crackly tension around him like an electric fence to ward off trespassers—and Sunoo likes everyone.

He's mischievous, loud, a little less boisterous than when he was young, and while he's cute, he's never given off the energy that people who can or want to be babied do. That's more Riki, who, reserved and stony as he is, loves physical touch and reaches out silently in his own way for hugs and pats on the head all the time. It makes sense. After all, Sunoo is merely a year younger than Jake is...

But it's still funny to Jake how, beyond the obvious, he doesn't really know much about Kim Sunoo.

And now that he very possibly might have a crush on Sunoo, it's harder to open his mouth and ask.

Somehow, they've ended up alone on the couch again, just the two of them. Jake likes socializing, but more than that, he enjoys the company of people he can have comfortable silences with. And that's Sunoo, who talks if you want to, and does his own things, humming to top fifty hits on Spotify if you don't feel like it. He's not the type to start conversations, but he likes having the last word in an argument, just like he's got a fixation with sending the last text.

"Sunoo," Jake slowly starts to say, even if he doesn't know what he wants to talk about. Maybe he'd just wanted to call Sunoo, his pretty name. It's such a magical word, holds the weight of a million potential starters—it feels like magic on his lips. The kind that sents tingles buzzing down like spark wires down your body, makes you feel alive. But the boy's just looking up and it's already making Jake regret this, so he blurts out the first thing on his mind: "Who's your type?"

Sunoo doesn't register this for a few seconds, and he remains quiet for so long Jake might've sunken with relief. Maybe he hadn't just said those words—maybe it was just in his head.

But slowly, the corners of Sunoo's lips curl up, like a Chesire Cat, and he crosses one leg over the other, pulling his back straighter by wrapping his hands around his knee. "Well, well, well... what is this about, really?"

Jake swallows, throat quaking uncertainly. "What do you mean?" he asks in a small voice.

"This is a pretty random thing to drop out of nowhere. Why, do you need help with getting a guy? A girl?"

Might as well go with the flow. Right. Right, this is okay, Jake tells himself, though the voice in his head isn't exactly restoring his confidence. "A guy," he clears his throat. You. "I just. I don't know, this was stupid—just pretend I never asked."

"No, no! It's really fine. Just. What does this have to do with my type?"

"Didn't know how or where to start..." Jake mutters. He tilts his head upwards and holds his breath, a stop sign manifesting in the middle of the ceiling. And attached to the pole of the bright red thing is Soobin's hand. You're trying to get over this stupid crush Jake Sim. Not this.

Sunoo nods in understanding, then leans in a little too close, their shoulders almost touching but not quite, and whispers, "Why, is this your first time liking a guy? It could be pretty overwhelming."

There's not a single thing about that statement that's wrong. It is, in fact, the most overwhelming thing Jake has ever experienced, and this is only throwing him over the ledge. It's not helping that he feels like he's choking on Sunoo's peachy scent—he hadn't the faintest idea prior to this moment, that fruits could smell so, for lack of better words, pretty. Just. Simply pretty. And what's more terrifying is that Jake isn't sure if this is just how Sunoo smells, or if he daubs on perfume on his pulse points every morning. 

Jake is staring at how the boy's eyelashes are fanned out over his cheeks, when he looks up to meet the older boy's gaze, his eyes hazel like chocolate glazed in honey. His eye creases are folded in, but they peek out towards the tail of his eyes, and—

Yeah. This is overwhelming.

He finds the words to reply eventually. Just one. "Yeah."

And it takes all the remaining air out his lungs to squeeze it out. Sunoo smiles, and he doesn't just smile with the corners like most people do. He presses his lips together, tilts his head down like he's sharing the juiciest secret in the world with you. And there's something reassuring about the way Sunoo doesn't even explicitly say something along the lines of, "I'll take this to the grave with me", or, "I'll keep this a secret", that allows you to invest all your trust in him.

Sunoo smiles with all of his mouth, and Jake really needs to spend less time thinking about his mouth.

The younger pats Jake's shoulders and laughs it off, "It's okay. I was once like this, too."

It's kind of an open secret out there that Sunoo isn't straight. Sunghoon off-handedly asked about it during game night once and Sunoo just shrugged, not really giving a proper answer but knowing that everyone just gets it.

"I just don't know how to proceed or what kind of guy he likes..."

Sunoo's eyes are squeezed shut as he raises a hand to his mouth when he laughs. "Oh my god, is that why you asked me what my type is? Jake, it's really got nothing to do with this, you know. Haven't you dated girls before in Australia?"

Jake doesn't like that Sunoo knows he's never dated anyone since he arrived in Korea, fresh-faced and gullible and friendless in a country that conversates in a language he can barely write and read, much less speak. He's gotten better at it, and he refrains from letting English bleed through when he's talking, but he can't help it sometimes. These are all just little things to get used to.

He shakes his head slowly, going, "No, not really."

And he also appreciates that Sunoo doesn't make a big deal out of this, going all "No way! You must be lying!" that most people do. It does make him feel a little less bad about his lack of experience in the dating department.

All Sunoo does is consider this, hand holding his chin in the universal thinking pose, before dropping, "Why not? You're really handsome. The first time I saw you I think one of my first thoughts was wow, this guy is really cute."

Jake wants to choke and scream his lungs out on the roof.

Instead, he says: "Thanks," in the most loserly way possible.

"There's no need to be subtle or humble about things like this," Sunoo assures him, waving his hands like he's batting away Jake's humility. "It's true! You had this borderline emo thing going on with your long black hair... I was really wondering how you could even see. Well. In any case, you're objectively cute. You have my approval stamp on the personality as well, so what's causing you so much distress?"

Jake forgets the purpose behind this conversation starting in the first place, long enough to let himself absorb what Sunoo's just said.

"I don't know. Just—cute has gotten me nowhere for the past eighteen, nineteen years. Entertain me a little?" he pleads.

Sunoo wrinkles his nose. "Huh. My type..." he mulls over this for a while before craning his neck to cast a look over his shoulder uncertainly. "Soobin hyung has a friend. I'm sure you've seen him around."

Jake's heart takes a dive into the great beyond, the fucking abyss, the void in Star Wars.

This is the one time he wants, needs, Sunoo to stop talking, and he won't. His mouth is open and the words keep coming out, all perched like birds armed with steel talons, ready to swoop down on him and attack in a flock. Soobin's friend?

There's more, and the rest of Sunoo's answer is just as heartbreaking. "He's always with Yeonjun hyung, the one who's in the same grade as Heeseung hyung. His name is Choi Beomgyu, if you know him."

Yeah, of course Jake knows him. They've never talked alone, but they've met on multiple occasions, so Jake is definitely familiar with what he looks like. Tall, ridiculously similar to the way manga artists draw their protagonists—large, expressive eyes, a near-perfect nose line, and a small mouth, all squeezed onto the smallest face the size of a damn fist. He checks every box in the Korean beauty standards, and he's not an asshole.

So Sunoo likes guys like manhwa characters who look like they could sweep you off your feet and throw you onto a horse so you can gallop into sunsets together every evening, and Jake doesn't know what to do with this information.

Where Beomgyu looks soft and gentle, Jake's bone structure is on the stronger, sharper side. If Sunoo isn't lying—and Jake doubts the boy would ever feel the need to deliver anything less than cold hard truths—then Jake is cute, handsome. Just not his type.

"Right. Yeah, I know him."

"So, wanna talk about your crush?" Sunoo wriggles his eyebrows.

"No... I think I'll have to think about this a little longer."

If Sunoo had been curious about the reason, it definitely didn't show. He's good at understanding when conversations should end, and he knows this one has drawn to a close. "Take your time," he says easily, because he has to close it.

Jake wishes he could be as nonchalant about it.

-

It's in Sunoo's nature to be touchy at times, eventhough he knows when to keep his distance. He also seems to have an obsession with getting people to like him, but he's good at sniffing out the ones who won't budge. Sunoo chases after the possible, and the first time Jake realizes this is four months into their first meeting, when Jake was waiting for his parents to pick him up from Soobin's house. Soobin had left his brother in the living room, alone with Jake, so he could return to being at Kai's beck and call, and Sunoo had turned to him expectantly on the couch.

He thinks it might a be running joke in the Choi household to call everyone who comes over "Sunoo's new babysitter", because the boy carries himself like a grown-up and he's surprisingly mature for his age. Sometimes Jake thinks Sunoo sounds even more wizened than Heeseung or Soobin, who regularly refers to themselves as hags.

But in certain moments when Sunoo is really letting go, you can see the shift in his behavior and how he slowly worms his way closer.

It's in Sunoo's nature to be touchy at times, and Jake hadn't realized that pushing someone's hair back could be so... platonic until Sunoo did it for him.

"Your hair was in your eyes," he'd clarified, smiling.

"Thanks, Sunoo."

"No worries, hyung," the younger boy chirped, his hand falling back to his side naturally. Like it'd meant nothing at all. Sunoo must've known that Jake would eventually come around and love him, long for his presence and feel his glaring absence like a gaping tear in a wall you couldn't take your eyes off when he wasn't around to hang out with them. He really must've known, because Sunoo was smart enough to stop trying to approach Jongseong first. It puzzled the latter initially, but now they've made their peace with kinda where they stand in the group. On opposite sides, either end, whatever.

But when it came to Jake, Sunoo was determined.

Jake had experience with receiving Valentines from juniors in school, back in Brisbane where things like that were normal. Going on dates that didn't have to mean something, light touches exchanged between friends. He'd been worried when Sunoo started pushing against his walls, until he realized that there was nothing close to resembling admiration, or even a puppy crush, in Sunoo's eyes when he fell into Jake's space laughing, or playfully swatted his shoulder, as if to tell him, stop. Sunoo looks for connections that could happen. He likes making people fall in love with having him around, hell-bent on making everyone like the ease of his companionship.

"You're a nice person, hyung."

Jake wasn't used to being called hyung, doesn't really care for honorifics. He'd also never grown used to being complimented for things like this, so he only smiled awkwardly in response to that.

Sunoo had nodded, looking him up and down, as if to say, Yes. You will do nicely. You shall be my next friend.

"I'll make you love me. If you haven't yet." Sunoo goes straight to the point always, doesn't see the point in beating around the bush. It's an innocent statement, raw and put bluntly, on Sunoo's end. Still, it felt a little like a threat.

Jake remembers feeling like he might be in trouble.

Of course, he's right about that. When he thinks of Sunoo now, he sees three pictures. Sunoo with his book of the people he's managed to collect over the years; Sunoo with a little jar of hearts; Sunoo, who comes with so much love, he has more to spare even after dishing out the rich proportions to all the people dear to his heart.

If Medusa has her snakes, Sunoo has his hearts. Both equally, positively lethal, both just as tempting all the same.

-

Jake's first opportunity to banish this crush into the forgotten hollows of the dusty part of his mind arrives drawn in a silver carriage when Heeseung calls them all out for dinner. Soobin had excused himself, definitely not for 'I want to spend more time alone with Kai' reasons, but Sunoo had made it. They're seated in a quiet corner of a K-BBQ place made noisy by them, and Jongseong is handling the meat, all the while tearing up as the smoke dries his eyeballs out. They keep laughing at how it makes Jongseong look like a reddened pufferfish, and it's not even funny by the seventh time it makes its wave around the table, but they join in the chorus to tease the blond anyway.

Somehow, Jake finds himself sandwiched by Sunghoon and Sunoo, who have both always been more of the listener in group activities, the type to only pitch in when needed. Sunghoon's always been the reticent type, withdrawn and never feeling the full extent of his emotions. Sunoo, well, because he's observant. He's always looking at people like he's in a museum, trying to get a feel of all the art pieces.

And since Jake himself is often influenced by the energy around him, he finds himself on the calmer end tonight, too.

He laughs, he makes fun of Jongseong like his life depends on it, his thoughts spiral out of control every time he finds himself hyperaware of how close they're sitting. Well, they are crammed into a booth with seven people, but Sunoo is just next to him, and he can't really process a thought without ending it with his new favorite word: Sunoo.

Get your shit together, he chides himself, but how? He wishes that feelings were volatile, surface-level. They'd readily evaporate into the air without another trace, and this would all be so easily forgotten. Except it isn't, because as soon as Jake noticed the peachy scent Sunoo favors, he can't just stop thinking about how much Sunoo resembles a peach. Pink-tinged cheeks, fuzzy all over, so sweet. Jake has problems.

Almost all of them stem from this ridiculously juvenile crush on Sunoo.

Why does he like Sunoo anyway? Because he's always so giving and kind to the people around him—and Jake maybe, maybe wants to be the sole receiver of that unconditional love? Because Sunoo's hair looks soft and smells like baby powder? Because he looks so cute trying to forgo the hyung when he talks to Jake? Or is it that Sunoo is just. So. Intelligent? And he doesn't even flaunt it, and the fact that Jake's noticed it despite him desperately trying to push it under the radar is impressive. Sunoo is perceptive, cunning, playful, and always game for a good joke. He ponders on his words, reflects on his mistakes without being asked to. He's always so considerate, and he's everything Jake aspires to be, and he doesn't even try.

Now that he thinks about it, those are all very valid reasons to like someone.

But everytime he looks at Sunoo and even thinks about swinging an arm over his shoulder, he kinda sees Soobin instead.

The night has only just started, they haven't even had their portions of meat yet, and Jake already feels fatigue blurring the edges of his vision black. He wants to slip under the table and take a nap on the stupid floor.

"Are you okay?" Sunoo asks, from the right, and Jake clenches his jaw to keep from turning to him.

"I'm fine, just a little tired."

"You should eat more."

Jongseong overhears their conversation, because of course he does. And he leans over to snatch Jake's plate and piles on the first round of the samgyeopsal, dripping in grease and fat, still sizzling from heat. He then passes it back to Jake amidst protest from Heeseung, who's been whining that he's hungry for the past hour.

"You can wait," Jongseong tells him promptly, but Jake offers him two pieces anyway, which the older boy gratefully accepts. "You're all a bunch of hyenas!"

"Jay hyung's always so nice to you," Sunoo notes. He's the only one who calls Jongseong 'Jay', and Jake tries his best to use the same nickname when they're hanging out in a group so Sunoo doesn't feel too alienated. The first time they'd met, Jongseong had introduced himself to Sunoo with his English name. It's nothing personal—he'd done the same with Jake, except, the latter had naturally felt more comfortable with Jongseong and now it's just... a constant back-and-forth between the two. Jongseong always shoots him a quirked eyebrow when Jake reverts back to the less-affectionate name, but he probably knows why.

Sunoo knows why, too—just doesn't particularly care. They get along fine, enough that it doesn't wedge an axe in the gang's dynamic all the time. Besides, Jongseong had offered, albeit rather begrudgingly, about a month ago. Muffled into the scarf he was wearing, he'd tapped Sunoo quickly on the shoulder and said, "Look, kid, if you want to you could call me Jongseong hyung too."

The younger boy rolled his eyes at being called a 'kid' and, very good-naturedly, tugged on Jongseong's scarf twice. And because it wasn't wrapped around all that well, just carelessly thrown off, it'd unraveled and Jongseong caught it right before it fell to the ground. "I like calling you Jay hyung. You're okay with that?"

"Yeah, whatever," Jongseong had said, then melted back into his spot by Jungwon's side. It came as a surprise to the rest of the group but they didn't dwell on the abrupt show of cordiality and moved on like nothing happened. Sometimes Jake feels like the only one who felt the extra hint of smugness in his smirks for the rest of that day.

Jay hyung's always so nice to you. So Sunoo doesn't care to beg for people's affection—it doesn't mean that he doesn't notice the divide.

"Jong's nice to everyone," he tries to iron it out. "Maybe I'm cuter."

"I agree."

Jake immediately raises his cup of green tea to his mouth and pretends like he's gulping down the drink, when he's actually only swallowing down pockets of air. Unfortunately for him, when he slams his cup back down on the table, Sunoo is still gazing in his general direction.

"Do you want some?" he timidly offers Sunoo.

"For god's sake," Jongseong mumbles, then uses a pair of chopsticks to pick a large piece up, holds it up to Sunoo's mouth. The younger boy's rather taken aback, but he leans in closer, not more than he has to, and lightly slides the chunk into his mouth with his teeth. Jongseong's giving him a smile—the kind he only reserves for Riki and Jungwon, and the gentle look in his eyes, despite his hardened mouth, is obvious even through the smokescreen. "Is it good?" he asks even before Sunoo could bite into the juicy part.

Sunoo hisses, "S' hot." But they all watch him till he bites into it and holds up a genuine thumbs up. "Really good. You're a great cook."

"What would you all do without me..." the blond whistles, then goes back to his meet-grilling duties, Jungwon and Heeseung exchanging an unreadable look across the table. While the oldest among them has his head turned another way, Riki steals the last bite, Sunghoon just keeps looking at them fondly, laughing to himself.

Jake, well, he doesn't feel like laughing too much himself.

Halfway through dinner, Jake offers to take over Jongseong's role on the grill, let him take some rest, and Sunoo claps excitedly for him.

The first person he feeds is Sunoo, and he makes sure to lean in so that Sunoo doesn't have to inhale any more of the ashy stench of the smoke. If there's anyone questioning why he did that right after Jongseong, no one voices it. Maybe they all know that Sunoo is his favorite. Jake thinks that might be something that runs common among most of them. Riki, Sunghoon... himself. Sunoo isn't very close to them, but he's easy to love.

The type of friend you could not talk to for six months, but you know they'd be waiting there at the same place if you needed a safe place to vent.

Everything's so easy for Sunoo, Jake is now realizing that this crush was inevitable from the very start.

-

"Jake hyung," Sunoo had been calling him. "Help me with my English essay?"

That was how it started. Then he finished leaving comments and remarks on the piece Sunoo had written for school, one detailing the importance of pop culture. He'd asked Jake for references and he delivered, but most of the material was provided by Sunoo, who, he realized, got really into research. He'd made a passing remark on that and Sunoo only shrugged.

"I like learning."

Jake remembers finding that admirable, and it struck a chord in him, how he'd always wanted to be the kind of person Sunoo was. He's always done things because he felt like it, not because he's trying to conform himself to some standard or expectation his family set for him. Jake sometimes, to this day, wonders if he'd like Physics so much if it weren't for the fact that he just excelled in it.

"It's kinda funny how some of these Westerners call their parents by their first names..." Sunoo had been saying, then he turned to Jake. "Do you?"

"Korean parents," he reminded the boy. It was true that they were less strict about their traditions than the average Korean, but still. "I call them Mom and Dad, mostly."

"What about your older brother, do you call him hyung?"

"Uh," Jake considered this for a moment. "No, now that I think about it... He just wasn't very particular about things like that."

"How do you decide? If you should address someone with honorifics?"

"Well," he'd said, scratching his neck eventhough it wasn't itchy. "Since I'm here now, I use honorifics with everyone."

Sunoo, ever so curious, had sat up at his desk, perking up at how breezily Jake had explained his thoughts on the topic. "Well, would you mind if someone younger than you doesn't call you hyung?"

He'd frowned. "I'm pretty okay with anything. I guess, if that person in question is more comfortable that way, I don't see why not? Like how it doesn't matter if someone called me Jake or Jaeyun."

"You introduced yourself as Jake, though..." Sunoo pointed out.

"It is what I went by for a long time."

"And if I called you Jaeyun? Without the hyung?" Sunoo beamed—he'd been trying to get a rise out of Jake, tried to fish some reaction. He liked to pester people that way, giggle at their building irritation before melting it all down with coos and soothing hugs.

"Then call me Jaeyun. It's fine."

"Huh."

Sunoo probed the inside of his cheek with the tip of his tongue, then shrugged it off, going back to rectify every mistake Jake had underlined on his paper. After that incident, Jake would sometimes be halfway into a conversation with Sunoo before realizing that the younger boy had forgone the hyung completely. There's always a lapse in his reaction, and when the surprise wears off his face, Sunoo would go back to calling him hyung, sly smile on display.

Jake thinks this might be how he really started jumping back and forth between Jongseong and Jay, and it's really ridiculous how many aspects of his life are affected by Sunoo without the latter realizing it.

-

Start a stupid argument with Sunoo. Huh. Jake's not too sure how to do that.

He's always been agreeable, and Sunoo, well, if he senses that his opinion conflicts with yours, he'd be the first to pull away. It isn't easy to get him angry, and honestly, Jake doesn't want to see him angry.

But it seems that Sunoo presents him with the opportunity himself on a silver platter. "You never watched Powerpuff Girls?"

"I don't know... I mean, I've heard of it." Jake tries to justify.

Sunoo stares at him, mouth hanging open, then mumbles, "This is what you get for growing up painfully straight. Like—you're missing out on all the good stuff!"

That's how they end up bingeing Powerpuff Girls on the Chois' couch till six, when Sunoo's mom returns home and asks him if he'd like to stay for dinner. He's planned on saying on, but Sunoo accepted on his behalf, said that Jake's stomach had been "growling all night". A hyperbole, an exaggeration, a shameless lie that Sunoo didn't bother hiding. Mrs. Kim only laughs and ruffles Sunoo's hair, then looks at Jake expectantly. She probably knows that her son has a penchant for mischief.

But he finds himself wanting to stay for a bit longer, so he nods and Sunoo cheers. After sending a quick text to let his mom know he'll be coming back a little later, Sunoo gets dragged into the kitchen seeing as it's his turn to help with dinner prep today.

Jake follows him mindlessly, until Soobin steps out from the shadows and catches a hold on his arm. He's narrowing his eyes, crooking a finger to signal that Jake comes with him instead. He has a pretty bad feeling about this, but at the same time he knows avoiding Soobin any longer isn't going to mitigate the mess of an image he'd given himself the day he fell onto Sunoo physically, so he hangs his head and walks up the flight of stairs after the older boy.

"Here," Soobin says. They've stopped at the topmost step, and the tall boy is folding himself into a crouch on the floorboards, gesturing with his chin for Jake to do the same next to him.

"Like, not in your bedroom?" Jake suggests nervously, peering through the banisters to estimate how far away they are from the kitchen.

"This is fine," Soobin insists. "We need to have a long-overdue talk, I'm sure you know."

Jake winces and braces himself for the worst.

"Okay."

"So," Soobin begins, rather officially, then dips in volume and pitch. "What the fuck."

"What?"  He's feeling rather defensive today. Brownies if you can guess why.

"Jake, you like my brother. You have the biggest, fattest crush on him known to mankind. Of course I'm going to ask you what in the fuck? Really, Jake? You could've literally chosen to like, I don't know... Heeseung? Hoon? "

Jake sticks out his tongue like he's gagging, and really he must commend himself for being able to joke in such a confrontation. "Look, that's gross. They're my best friends."

"So is my brother," Soobin leans in, furiously whispering.

"I don't know why I like him either, okay? I,"—he scrubs a hand over his face and blows the hair out his eyes. He's going to have to schedule a cut soon. All this hair is getting in his way of appreciating all of Sunoo's radiant charm—"I don't even know when it started... I promise I didn't hit on your brother or anything. I didn't even think anyone could tell."

"Heeseung was the one who confirmed my worst suspicions," Soobin reveals, shaking his head. "I mean, I thought you were just looking out for him. Then when I asked Hee he told me he felt the same. Like you've been looking at him different these days."

That's an apt way of putting it, he's thinking. That's exactly what it feels like.

Lately, he's been thinking of how Sunoo's changed. Or maybe it's just that he's focusing more now that he doesn't care about what goes on behind his foreground thoughts of Kim Sunoo. He's caught a severe case of tunnel vision, as embarrassing as it is to admit. Sunoo's freckles are varying shades of brown—his cheeks are full and his bone structure is unique, gorgeous. His hands are large, fingers long not necessarily as straight as a pianist's might be. He's funnier these days, so much more magnetic. He's delicate, vulnerable, so strong, so unapologetic.

He stopped looking at Sunoo as he paints himself to be, and really started looking into the empty spaces Sunoo leaves behind for someone to stumble and trip into.

Ten minutes ago they've been arguing with Powerpuff girl is the best and he'd like Buttercup, Bubbles. They found it funny that Blossom's Jake's favorite, because Sunoo really dislikes her.

"Stop thinking about him when I'm talking to you about him," Sunoo's older brother snaps curtly. "Just. Stop thinking about him, end of the story."

"Does it bother you this much that I have a crush on Sunoo? I mean, Kai has two sisters."

Soobin sputters, then veers them down another route. "They like me."

"Are you implying you don't like me?"

"No! I just don't like the thought of you dating my brother."

Jake feels Soobin's arguments toppling into each other, maybe cause he never really had one in the first place. This was probably just a test to see if Jake would give up chasing just because he's been told to stop. Or maybe that's just the wishful thinking going on in his head, a tangled web of thoughts, assuring him that that's the truth. This could go either superbly, or he'd be accelerating their downfall and he might get banished from the Chois' for good.

He won't give up without trying.

Jake isn't the type to ignore a question when he's just found the solution.

"But I like him a lot. And whether he reciprocates, I'm going to make sure he's happy."

Soobin maintains his silence. Without saying a thing, he stands up and leaves.

-

Sunoo's freckles are like confectionaries littering the counter after a fruitful Halloween; or maybe like stars do the sky on a dark night, like those popping star candies that fizzle in your mouth, sprinkled over midnight-colored spun cotton. It's too bad that the sun has set now. They're on the road trip they've been planning for months, about six weeks since Soobin and Jake had the Talk. They're in some random countryside place that Jongseong rented for them off of Airbnb, and it's relatively serene, if they ignore the mosquitoes out for blood. Jungwon and Riki are burning incense and Sunghoon's just running around "whee-ing" into the lush greenery that circles this place.

The house itself is modern, all concrete and glass, complete with a sloping ceiling, but, when they're outside here, pulling out the grills and unloading the food from the back of Jongseong's roomy car with the building to their backs, it's really just them in nature, the air damp with the smell of dew and moonlight, if moonlight had a smell. There's this scent Jake can't wrap his head around: just the night, and the endless possibilities. He doesn't really believe in magic, stopped reading the Harry Potter books after the Goblet of Fire.

Sometimes all it takes is a night like this to get your thoughts unraveling, defying everything you've been committed to learning your whole life, just to indulge in some childhood belief that magic could be real. Well, if it exists, Jake thinks that this place might be thrumming with the life of it. That, and because a whole peach farm has moved into his nose.

"Jaeyun hyung," Sunoo exhales. "Pretty night."

He looks at Sunoo, tries to challenge himself to spotting and connecting every freckle on his skin. It's impossible, and Jake finds that a shame. He wants to learn their placements so he can thumb over them from muscle memory, with or without light.

"Did you get your letter ready?"

Jake pats his pocket, grins. He actually has two, one being the original list of ways to fall out of love with Sunoo that he keeps around as a reminder. The other is the one they've promised to pen to each other before arriving here, and it seems that no one has forgotten.

"How amazing would it be if we could see some shooting stars tonight..." Sunoo throws him a sidelong glance.

"You have a wish in mind?"

"No," the younger boy heaves. "Just what ifs. Wouldn't know what to wish for, anyway and I think that's part of the excitement. Entertaining yourself, having it come true and bam! You've just proven the existence of some fairy godmother who's looking after you."

Jake looks at Sunoo.

I'd wish for your eternal happiness.

They're standing over the bonfire that none of them could light except for Riki, who keeps pointing to it, then throwing his hands out, spinning to garner more applause while he can milk it. One by one, they draw small pieces of paper out a magician's hat that for some reason, Sunghoon apparently just lugs around with him.

"Taehyun's," he'd explained.

"Jake hyung, I got yours!" Sunoo waves his slip in the air like it's the best thing that's happened to him all day, and he bounds over to Jake, slips two fingers into the older boy's pocket and pulls his letter out. He can't help but smile at how cute Sunoo is tonight, practically glowing with glee.

Even the rest are laughing, though it's pretty muted. As far as Jake is concerned, when Sunoo is around, everything else is but background noise.

Heeseung and Riki pick each other, Sunoo's goes to Sunghoon, and the latter's to Jungwon. Jay is celebrating Jungwon's letter in his triumphant hand when he passes his wrinkled one over to Jake.

They decide to start from Heeseung, working their way down the group according to age, and eventually a few tears are shed here and there, though none of them possess the ability to not turn everything into a joke, so they wrap up each letter so far cracking up. Then it gets to Sunoo, and as soon as his expression crumple into one of bewilderment, Jake knows what's wrong. But he's opposite Sunoo, six to twelve, and he can't leap over the fire without his pants catching, or divert their attention without looking suspicious.

Then the same smirk curls up on Sunoo's lips like a well-rested cat, and he looks up, meets Jake's eyes like it's a threat.

"Wow, I think our Jake hyung got the assignment wrong," he says, so unnecessarily loud that Heeseung definitely feels the shift in energy in the air. The crackling of the bonfire, the branches scraping against each other, the gentle caress of wind rustling the leaves... all of a sudden, all these noises are a lot louder than Sunoo's clear, unwavering voice.

"What do you mean?" Riki asks.

"See, we were supposed to write about each other," Sunoo explains, folds the letter back up following the well-defined creases, and tucks it into his sleeve.

Jongseong switches his attention to Jake, almost accusingly. "I mean, that's the whole point, isn't it, Sim Jaeyun."

Sunghoon only fans the fire readily, like he's been waiting for this for a long time. "Tell us what it says!

"He only wrote about me." Sunoo pouts, then pats Jungwon's shoulder, who happened to be placed right next to him. "I'm afraid I'm a little too emotionally attached to this letter now, and I should have my own privacy with it, don't you think?"

"No fair, hyung, you told me I was your favorite," Riki cries, looking genuinely betrayed.

And Jake, well, he wants the fucking ground beneath his feet to fissure and part into a huge, mechanical mouth to chomp through him, pull him away from this humiliation. He's desperately trying to remember what he wrote on that cursed thing, but his brain isn't too keen on bending to his will right now, because all it registers is a high-pitched screeching contest going on in his mind and whatever else lives. His angel, his devil, anyone—

Stars and Sunoo are synonymous, just like how the cackling they're doing over his stupid exchanged letters is one and the same with the death of his pride.

They move on soon after, not before Jongseong fits in his huge speech about how he's thankful, eternally grateful that he's no longer the butt of their jokes from now on. Jungwon says something along the lines of, "No one's going to make for a better comic relief than you, hyung", and the topic of conversation is sent spinning like a wheel of fortune again. One with a tiny slice that represented the smallest chance of mis-fortune, that Jake got despite all the odds at his turn.

It's Jungwon's turn, he's reading aloud Sunghoon's thoughts, as well-framed as and disciplined as the guy usually is.

Through the dancing flames, Sunoo catches Jake's gaze and they hold it, just long enough for his heartbeat to skip.

-

Sunoo waltzes in, barges into Jake's room as soon as most of them have settled into their own corners, buzzing after a great night, but still too exhausted to continue talking. 

The letter is nowhere in sight.

"I can explain."

"Oh trust me, you've actually got quite some explaining to do."

"I've already talked about this with Soobin hyung and he... I got over it, okay?" Jake blushes deeply, so violent it isn't just crimson anymore.

"Ah, you're over it." Sunoo nods, clasping his hands behind his back, his mouth gathering into a pout like the petals of a rosebud would, right before its promise of blooming. Jake wants nothing but to draw closer and water that bud, have it blossom right under his own lips, but right now he doesn't seem to be the one holding the reins on what unfolds after this. "You're over it and it's exactly why you brought this list onto our trip?"

Jake purses his lips—the boy has a point.

"Fine, I like you," he concedes, and it feels like all the air's rushing out, all at once. "I like you still and-and I'm glad you know now."

You see, for as unsure as Jake had been about the execution, he's always been a chaser for answers, just so he can readily spread information when he's asked. And right now he's being questioned, and it doesn't feel right that he should lie about not having the solution. He likes Sunoo. And there's no fault in liking someone, not when he's willing to put in the hundred percent.

"Could've just said that." Sunoo shrugs, venturing deeper into the den Jake had made himself, out a little dark corner of the room. "Didn't have to make a whole list, you know..."

Sunoo's hand is now pressed to the wall, palm flat, arm straight. It's right over Jake's right shoulder.

"S-Sunoo, we're getting kinda close right now, haha—"

Sunoo's freckles are visible here, in the mellow lighting of the room. That's the last thing he sees, before the scent of peaches overwhelm him.

His last thought was of Sunoo's final and only warning: "I'll make you love me, if you haven't yet."

Turns out, Sunoo had been right all along.

Chapter Text

1.

Jake's not the jealous type, it's true.

He finds that it's... unnecessary to rage over one's preferences, so it doesn't really bother him when his friends have to pick favorites in a game of Truth and Dare. It's really much like asking someone if they like their mom or dad better—the answers are always nonsensical and made up on the spot to satiate the question asker's thirst for drama.

So it isn't like him when it's Sunoo's turn and Sunghoon just has to ask, "Who's your favorite hyung?" with the most innocent of expressions, carrying the full weight of his expectations. Now, this causes a shift in the air. They don't baby Sunoo like they do with Jungwon and Riki, and it's got to do with a multitude of reasons. The first being that Sunoo's a rather late addition to their friend group, and, well, Sunoo's merely a year younger. And little incidences scattered throughout their history of knowing each other have proven that Sunoo is, at most times, more capable than Heeseung, even, at handling himself.

They don't baby Sunoo, no, but to be named as his favorite hyung would be an acknowledgment of sorts, an ego boost for reasons they can't even begin to explain.

It's really because Sunoo stays impartial all the time—you think you're special, only to see him latch on to someone else's arm next weekend and you caves because "that's supposed to be our thing." (Not spoken from Jake's experiences). (Really).

They all wait with bated breath, Jungwon and Riki with keen amusement curving their lips into knowing smirks, as Sunoo holds his chin in his hands, eyes on the ceiling like he's thinking hard.

This kinda puts Jake's worries to rest—if it were a set answer, it wouldn't take this long for Sunoo to give a name. So it must depend on his mood and the day... right?

He finally nods to himself and beams, saying, "Jay hyung!"

Everyone reels back in shock like a big meteor's just landed in the middle of their circle. Jay? Over me? Jungwon's crawling forward and demanding an explanation before Jake gets on his feet himself. Across Sunoo sits Jongseong, who's staring blankly at the wall to Sunoo's back like he can't really formulate a response. And Sunoo—he just keeps laughing, and has to wipe a single tear away before clarifying, "I'm just joking. It's Sunghoon hyung."

And this causes much more distress because Sunoo's called out two names and neither one was his own. He has two names—Jake and Jaeyun. Wouldn't it be so easy to call either one of them? he wants to ask.

Heeseung shrugs like it doesn't really matter and while Sunghoon had very clearly put on a show of sulking when Jongseong was named the first time, he's leaning back with his palms to the ground like it's no biggie now, like it'd gone exactly as expected.

Jongseong huffs, "Yah, it's not very kind to play with people's emotions like this."

"It's only cause you didn't let me win arm-wrestling last week."

"Hoon didn't let you win either!" Jongseong cries, arms thrown out wide. Riki and Jungwon, who are sitting on either side of him, have to lean away to dodge the unintentional attack.

"Hey, don't talk about my Sunghoon hyung like that."

This further strokes Sunghoon's ego, launches the rocket that Sunoo's compliments have wrapped him up in, and shoots him straight up into the sky. Jake finds himself wishing Sunghoon gets sent so high up in the atmosphere, he becomes starved of oxygen, just so he can stop the gloating now. "You heard that? You all heard that? Sunoo called me his Sunghoon hyung." And because Sunghoon's gone into his over-excited puppy mode, it diffuses all the stiffness weaved into the air and they laugh about it together.

Except for Jake, because his heart had sunken at 'my Sunghoon hyung', and he's a little too tired to laugh now.

They're collecting the empty pizza boxes and thundering down the stairs at lightning speed when Jongseong decides that two people can handle taking out the trash, so he zips back up to resume his match with Sunghoon. Jake's left alone with Sunoo, and the latter is humming to himself as they make their way to the kitchen.

"So..." he tries to start, only to realize he doesn't know how to press forward because he doesn't know how to phrase this so he doesn't sound insane.

"Yeah, hyung?" Sunoo slows his steps and fixes Jake a stare over his shoulder. "Why?"

"Sunghoon's your favorite, huh."

Sunoo speeds ahead with a knowing smile and shakes his head. "Still thinking about that? It's true that Sunghoon hyung is nice to me..." he reasons slowly, and Jake thinks that Sunoo's a little like an azalea—so pretty, but his words are pumped full with poison, hard to ingest. Maybe he's just making this more dramatic than it really is. Favorites change every other day, right? Say... he might've been Sunoo's favorite once—and even that is enough for him—and just might be Sunoo's favorite tomorrow, too.

The boy stands at the doorway, holding it open for Jake, flashing an impish smile that calls for trouble as he walks past.

"I'm nice to you too, you know," Jake blurts out, the words too easy, too close to the surface for him to swallow them down anymore.

"Are we really about to have this conversation in front of a trashcan now?" Sunoo dusts his hands off, then leans forward to wipe them down on Jake's shirt. "Cause we could, but I'd rather go back into the house first." Then he starts walking, full knowing that Jake is going to trail after him anyway.

"Okay, but consider this," Jake presses, unable to kill the desperate edge to his voice when he speaks, "I let you call me Jaeyun. Without the hyung."

"I asked for permission, and you said yes."

"And I always get you those cheeseballs they don't deliver. It's a fifteen-minute drive from where we live, you know. I go all the way for you, okay?" Extra emphasis on the rhetorical question. They're at the door, and it's a little late, the sun dipping below the horizon to make way for the night. It's the pretty time of the day when the sky's all purple and pink, an impossible shade of first love. Jake wants to trip down the stairs because he knows that did not just cross his mind.

"Sure, Jaeyun," Sunoo giggles from the topmost step. They're both the same height, so Jake has to look up to keep their eyes locked. When did you grow up? When did our shoulders start bumping when we're next to each other?

It didn't use to be like this.

Though, to be fair, he didn't use to feel like this.

Sunoo carefully threads his fingers through Jake's hair, but he doesn't hesitate. Sunoo doesn't live with regrets, doesn't stop to think twice about what he should do. If he's letting Jake's locks slip through his fingers right now, it'd mean that he wants for this to happen. It would mean—

Fuck, Jake realizes with a start. He doesn't know what this means.

They were sent out here to discard some pizza boxes, and now he's having a moment he can't quite understand the gravity of on the steps of Jongseong's front porch. So Jake does what he does best when he encounters a problem he doesn't know how to take apart, the bulk of it so complex he's lost on where to begin: he gives up, looks away, because he can't let himself venture into the unknown blind. Isn't that why, a year back, when he was planning a trip to Jeju with Sunghoon and Heeseung, they'd searched up pictures and marked the routes before they even got on the plane?

No one would willingly give up everything they know to feel lost. Much less in Sunoo's all-knowing eyes.

"Not all the way, hyung."

Sunoo's voice is soft like sunlight bouncing off a pond, its fading rays so bright Jake has to look away.

It's barely been two days before they badger Sunoo asking who his favorite hyung is, again, and Jake's as curious as he is unwilling to hear the answer. Really... who would sign themselves up for pain when they are fully expecting it? And because Heeseung is treating them to Chinese that day, Sunoo, of course, cheeks full with food and flushed with elation, confirms that it's "Heeseung hyung!"

Jake frowns and lifts a napkin to his mouth like he's trying to wipe off the sauce, but he's really just trying not to dampen the mood. Especially when Heeseung is celebrating, arms in the air as Sunoo giggles, sways along with the rhythm of their messy, overlapping conversations.

"Are you sure you should really be happy about being his favorite only cause you bribed him?" Jongseong cuts.

It's clear Jake isn't the only one who's upset about it. Jongseong and Sunoo exchange a weird look, and Jake gets this deeply unsettling feeling in his bones like he might've overlooked the tentative bond formed between the two. They aren't the closest, sure, but is Jongseong one more person Jake should look out for? At this point he might as well sleep with one eye open.

Sunoo is next to Sunghoon, and that's become another thing to get used to. Sunghoon isn't the clingiest, but he is, when it comes to Sunoo. He's always draping an arm around the boy's shoulders or gripping his jacket tight like he doesn't want to let go. What's even more infuriating is that Sunghoon never misses a chance to remind them that he has a whole book dedicated to listing down every single random Kim Sunoo trivia he keeps in his arsenal. Last week they were getting ice cream together and Jake was making the order when Sunghoon strode up to him, tapped him on the shoulder and gestured vaguely at Sunoo, who was dipping fries into their Oreo Mcflurry with Riki at their table.

"Hey, help Sunoo get a triple mintcho? He's been meaning to try it out but I think he forgot again... It'll be a surprise that I remembered, okay?" Sunghoon had told him, then disappeared with a wink.

Jake's eye had twitched with irritation he couldn't show because—it is true that Sunghoon knows more about Sunoo than he does. So he'd just sucked it up that day and placed an order for a triple mintcho, which, to no one's surprise, Sunoo fell in love with immediately. One of the highlights that day was Sunoo leaning over to feed Jake a spoonful of it.

He told Sunoo it tasted like toothpaste, and Sunoo had replied snarkily, "Well. You do need that, so..."

Progress, right?

"No, Heeseung hyung takes care of me, really."

"So do I." Sunghoon nudges him, trying to be lowkey but absolutely nothing about all 180 centimeters of that man is inconspicuous. Jake's drowning in deja vu, fully expecting Sunoo to reply with the same thing he'd said to Jake before—"Sure, Sunghoon hyung", maybe with a roll of his eyes?

Sunoo jostles him back instead, then nods. "Yeah, you really do."

Jake wants to unfurl himself right all across the floor so it's impossible for Sunoo to overlook him.

It's one in the morning when Jake can't take it anymore. He sends a quick text to Sunoo—hey, are you awake?—and receives a near-instant reply. 

Yeah :) Why?

Jake stares at those two words for so long, the darkness grows deeper than black and the light of his phone burns his retina, one cone at a time. But he can't help it. He doesn't understand what Sunoo is a walking collection of all the questions he doesn't have answers to, and why he keeps on chasing despite being unsure. Don't get him wrong, Sim Jaeyun is unsure about a lot of things, but he knows when to pursue—and he sorts all his problems into two baskets: Solvable, and the Not so.

Sunoo falls into the latter category.

Jake is still very much intrigued like Sunoo's a rock he's just tripped over, a hole he's fallen into, hook, line, and sinker.

Then, before he can kill the courage mounting in anticipation, he sends another quick text. Wanna call? He'd wanted to add, 'can't sleep' to the end but decided against it, just in case it sounds too... fratboy-ish.

The call comes before a text, catching Jake off guard because he doesn't have a plan or a handful of lines rehearsed. But he scrambles to answer anyway, even if he knows Sunoo would wait an eternity. Just like Jake would, for him. There's a steadiness to them like that—a snap of fingers, the whistling of a familiar tune. You learn to ride a bike, and you don't just unlearn.

Jake's learned to trust to fall when Sunoo's around. He wishes he can learn how to not fear the bigger leap too.

"Why are you still awake?"

The video lags and but then it's just Sunoo filling up the whole of his screen and Jake wishes, again, that this could be his whole world too. God damn these soft one a.m. thoughts.

"I could ask you the same thing," he says easily, and it makes Sunoo grin. He tries to pull himself into a sitting position and shake his hair into a less birdnest-like shape without being too obvious that he cares. But nothing flies past Sunoo's radar undetected.

"It's alright to preen, I give you permission." Then Sunoo draws nearer to the screen. "You look good."

Breathe in... breathe out.

"So. I know why you're calling."

"You do?"

"Hyung you are the most obvious person ever. On the whole damn planet, even," Sunoo laughs, his voice somehow still light and plugged full with joy over the line. "It's about the favorite hyung thing, isn't it?" This stuns Jake for a moment, and when he doesn't reply because he's too busy reeling, worrying about how the others must know, too, Sunoo's smile falls off. "Hold on, was I wrong?"

"No! No..." Jake quickly fixes. "Just... a little shocked you could tell, is all. You've known for a long time?"

"Why do you think I kept choosing everyone but you?"

Sunoo says it so simply, like it doesn't cost him anything at all... but the implications cleverly weaved into those words. Jake's at a crossroad between breakdancing and breaking down. He thinks he will go with the latter. "So... I—I'm your—"

The boy nods, leaning into the camera. Jake feels a mad urge to reach forward and pull Sunoo through the screen. If only they were opposite poles on a magnet, he doesn't think they'd ever have to be separated. Jake likes to think he's impartial, that he doesn't have a favorite, but all these hours spent working out the logic behind him not being chosen has forced a reevaluation to take place. Just so he can skim through his more questionable decisions and thoughts of late. Everything is perfect done in moderation. He does not obsess over this in moderation, not when it's become one of his life's minor turning points.

"Why are you so surprised? I thought you knew."

"What do you mean?" Jake puts his phone down and props it up against his fluffed pillow, scooting closer, hands beneath his chest. "You kept saying it's everyone but me."

"I thought you knew, Sim Jaeyun. It's common knowledge and you're pretty good with that."

Sunoo smiles, triumphant, glowing the way he does every time he addresses Jake without honorifics and escapes a potential scolding unscathed. Jake only ever pretends, gives in to the illusion sometimes like he's sliiightly mad, but it's all part of his role in making Sunoo laugh, mirth brimming in his eyes. Sunoo likes feeling like he's doing something he shouldn't be, and calling Jake Jaeyun is one of those things.

"Elaborate," he presses, interest piqued, his tongue caught between his teeth as he tries to rack his brain for a moment where it might've been obvious. Sunoo's pupils dilate as he watches Jake's Adam's apple bob. "Please?"

"No," Sunoo playfully drawls, definitely sensing a new opportunity to gain leverage. "Think on it. Maybe that'll get you to sleep."

"If anything, it'll keep me up all night," Jake protests, hating how whiny he sounds, even to his own ears. Who would've known Jake Sim is actually Jake Simp? Jesus, this can't be good for him long-term.

Sunoo's face softens, a canvas painted pastel at the edges against a backdrop of a tranquil sky being lulled to sleep. It's pink, it's gold, it's everything Jake wants to capture in a photo. But he doubts anything would be better than the real thing. Just then, Sunoo yawns, and he drops his chin down onto his forearm, saying, "That's enough, hyung. I think you should sleep now."

"Yeah, yeah. Of course," he fumbles. "Can you say that favorite hyung thing again?"

"Why, so you can rest better?" Sunoo snorts.

"I wanna record it," Jake tells him matter-of-factly, not bothering to conceal the residual dissatisfaction at being teased by the others. "Send it to the group and everything... as evidence."

"Oh trust me, hyung, they know even if you didn't."

"What are you—"

"Hyung?"

"Yeah?"

"If you wanna record it so badly, just wait till the next time I say it." Jake feels a little lightheaded at the notion that this might not be the last time he hears this. "Set aside some of your phone storage. Just for me."

Then the call is over, and on the tip of Jake's tongue is, that's such a bad line, you know.

But on his mind—

There's nothing at all. See, Sunoo's like a beam of sunlight, really, glazing over everything, turning the brightness up. You don't really notice his presence because he's so consistently generous with his light that you let yourself grow used to it, but you slip, you let yourself focus on the single ray and it intensifies, then sets to fire every single cell in your body. Sunoo makes you feel alive, and it's safe to say he didn't get any sleep at all for the rest of the night.

2.

Jake's seated at the table with Sunoo's mom and... a very hulking presence to his right. With only four people present, it's not like Jake can position himself as far as possible from the one person he wants to avoid. Sunoo keeps sending them weird glances, too sharp to let anything pass. He knows something's up, and will probably pull Jake aside for an interrogation when dinner's done. But to his surprise, it really isn't all that bad because Mrs. Kim is nothing but cordial and—thankfully—is easily amused. She laughs at almost everything, and whether that's out of politeness or if it's because she's as kind as the warmth she emanates, it doesn't matter. Jake's just glad he has an ally on his side (kinda).

They're just finishing up when she turns to Jake again, suddenly her eyes alight with curiosity. "Oh right, I hear that you're from Australia! I've always wanted to ask you about it but the boys... they don't like to talk about their friends much."

"Except for Kai hyung—he's all Soobin hyung talks about," Sunoo starts saying, then yelps mid-sentence because it's apparent that his brother has kicked him under the table.

"Hey," Jake intercepts, and the three of them freeze and stare at him. He realizes very, very quickly, that it probably wasn't his place as a guest to tell them what they should do under their roof. Holy shit, can this get any worse.

Soobin slits his eyes at Jake and turns away, angrily poking at his leftovers.

"Are you two fighting?' Sunoo ventures a guess, and is immediately shot down by resounding "no's" coming from the both of them. Soobin's one very pointed and curt, and Jake's a little meek, the curdling emotions subdued with a smile. "Well. That's weird..."

Mrs. Kim stands up to remedy the situation, bringing over a plate of raisin bread and setting it down on the table with a nervous laugh. "Here, Jake, you should try this. The boys made it this morning, and it's really good!"

"Thank you," Jake accepts, taking a slice into his hand and biting into it. It's soft and fluffy, and it isn't even warm anymore, but still, it carries the comfort of eating something made by Sunoo. To put it succinctly, it's really good. He affirms so, as he bites, the words muffled by the hand pressed to his mouth. "You're really good at baking—I didn't know!"

"Well, it was mostly Soobin hyung," Sunoo says slowly, peering at the ticking time bomb sulking like an overgrown child who's had his phone confiscated. "I just read the recipe out loud."

"Recipes are important," Jake agrees awkwardly, then inwardly slaps himself for saying something so blatantly senseless and dumb. Then he tries to save himself, but only manages to make it worse, You know, as important as the bakers are..."

Sunoo picks up on this immediately and stifles his laugh. Mrs. Kim appears lost, then pushes the plate to Soobin. "Have some. You like bread."

"I've decided to hate it starting today," Soobin gives an affected sniff, the hostility leaking through. 

Even then, Sunoo catches Jake's eyes and lightly lets their knees bump. Jake slides closer to the edge of his seat so he can, too, playfully nudge Sunoo's foot, away from prying eyes.

They're washing the dishes together, and Soobin's finally out the picture, cooped upstairs in his bedroom on his nightly call with his boyfriend. Jake manages to get three-quarters through the plates and utensils before Sunoo leans against the counter next to the sink and brazenly invades Jake's space, their heads very close to bumping.

Jake lowers his chin, hoping his collar might disguise the flush of his cheeks.

"So..."

There's something brewing in the works behind Sunoo's face, because sometimes he's just glowing like there's something bright pushing at the seams, wanting to break out. Jake savors every memory of being the reason why Sunoo smiles, first from his lips, then in his eyes. He blinks the feelings away, turning back to the dishes again. He finishes the last of them, then turns off the tap.

"Yea?"

"There's something weird between you and Soobin hyung, I swear I can feel it."

Jake shifts the weight from one foot to the other uncertainly. "Ahm, well, yeah. I don't know either," he tries to say, but he's never been good at lying. He mirrors Sunoo's pose, and lets his back lean into the counter, and the tops of their heads nearly touch the bottom of the cabinets. Jake doesn't know what he's doing, really—he just lifts a hand up, and it's moving on its own accord, slipping into the narrow space between Sunoo's crown and the sharp corners.

Sunoo levels their gazes, his freckles so visible from this angle. "Thanks, hyung."

He can only clear his throat and look away. They're so close to each other, and it'd be so easy to come clean now. It's like... ripping off a bandaid, right? The faster it's done, the less it hurts. "It's nothing," he mumbles.

"Hyung, remember when you said you liked someone?" Sunoo suddenly asks.

Yeah, you.

He nods, a little pained. If he speaks right now, his voice might come out a croak, so he just chooses not to.

"Care to tell me who it is?" Sunoo slowly prods, his voice pregnant with curiosity. It's so easy to say, "no, I don't think I'll tell you," but Jake can't seem to will and shape his words into how they sound in his head. Sunoo isn't the type to chase after answers—he gets inquisitive, but not to the point of being outright impertinent just for the sake of obtaining an honest response. If Jake tells him to give this up, he will.

"It's... someone I know," he admits slowly.

Sunoo swallows. "Are you planning on doing anything about it?"

"To be really honest,"—Jake stammers, feeling like this is a presentation he didn't prep for at all, and now the whole school's waiting to pick apart his tiniest mistakes. Except he only now holds an audience of one, and even that is more nerve-wrecking than any public speaking he's had to do before. Sunoo's opinion, to him, holds more gravity than gravity itself (Sorry, Newton, but science is making less sense now that Jake can't figure out where his crush had even come from). "I'm not sure if I even want to do anything about it."

To his surprise, Sunoo's more disappointed than he is. "Why not?" he presses. "You don't know unless you try. I know this is... like you said, your first time liking a guy, but—it could turn out to be something great."

Soobin's head hovers over his shoulders menacingly and Jake sighs, yeah, something great indeed.

"You're getting too far ahead of yourself," Jake chuckles, feeling a little like a bubblehead. Sunoo needs to pop him right now or he'll float to the ceiling and he'll disappear alone up there. "I dont even know if he likes me back."

"You're so dumb."

"Hey—"

"You could just ask me!" Sunoo exclaims, then goes on a tangent about he got his previous crushes to confess, and how to tell if someone is as interested in you as you are in them. Jake nods and goes along with everything Sunoo is saying, but he can't help but fixate on how Sunoo's managed to steadily build room between the two of them. He's moved out of the light, his face now wrapped in long shadows, and the space where he once was, pressed up to Jake's side, is now left empty and cold.

Jake tries not to be disappointed.

3.

They're on the Kims' couch, Sunoo nestled close to him, and no one's going to be home for at least another hour.

Jake let himself get sweet-talked into two hours of Powerpuff Girls and the deal was to watch one episode of Designated Survivor afterwards, but Sunoo had started yawning and Jake has always liked watching Sunoo sleep... in the least weird way possible. It's not like he cracks in a window and picks locks to stay in the same room with a sleeping Sunoo just to count his freckles, lose the numbers and delight in starting all over again but—

When the opportunity arises, he takes it.

Which is why it's doubly embarrassing when Sunoo blearily open his eyes, only to see his boyfriend already staring at him, studying his face like it's a map he wants to commit to mind, like he's writing up long-winded descriptions for every one of Sunoo's features.

"You're so creepy," Sunoo complains, his eyes still half-lidded with sleep.

"Am not," his argument falls weak.

"Are too," Sunoo teases back, his finger driving into Jake's heart. "Since you want to argue like a kid... So you were just staring at me this whole time while I slept?"

"Listen, it's only been twenty minutes," he defends himself.

"Twenty minutes of looking at my face while I sleep!" Sunoo sighs into the crook of Jake's neck, his hair tickling the expanse of skin there. Every rustle and brush of clothes sounds extremely amplified in Jake's ears, like his blood is roaring. "Sometimes I wonder how you never knew you liked guys too. Your favorite hobby is literally staring at me. A close second is pressing a finger to my mole and calling me pretty."

Jake's heart is quickly being melted, pooling around his feet like candle wax.

"I like calling you pretty."

"You won't even kiss me."

Upon hearing this, Jake freezes up, an unmistakable knot of nerves forming at the base of his stomach. So yeah, he pulls Sunoo into hugs, they nap together with Sunoo pressed to his chest their legs tangled like fishing nets, impossible to tell where are the start and end of things. He brushes his knuckles along the gentle curve of Sunoo's jaw, thumbs and massages his temples to let sleep come easier... but on matters of kissing, it's radio silence on Jake's end.

Look.

He isn't a prude, but he also isn't the most confident in being a good kisser—how do you even define a good kisser? He just... 

It's complicated, and just the thought of being able to press their lips together if he wanted to has been enough to satiate his love for physical touch. It isn't necessary, and Sunghoon had freaked him out with his horror stories about kissing boys.

"They're ruthless, Jake," he'd wept into the rim of his coffee, "they could totally tell I was inexperienced, and their mouths are so warm. So—anyway, you'll know when you know."

Jake doesn't want to come off inexperienced—and it's not even a big problem because Sunoo has made it very clear he's never been kissed before. It won't even matter! (That's what Jake keeps screaming at himself when he's at his most vulnerable state at three a.m., kneeling in front of his mirror as he seriously considers practicing on his own hand).

"I-It's got nothing to do with that," Jake mouths into Sunoo's forehead. Then the latter tilts his head upwards, and his mouth is just right there.

Emergency alarms go off in his head, because Jake's bodily functions are a pinch closer to melting down like someone's upset a glass of orange juice over his mind's control panel.

"First kisses are meant to be, like, special," he tries to save himself, waving his hands about wildly. Sunoo sits up, then pulls at Jake's neck with great effort like he's trying to heave a tree trunk onto his back. Obliging, Jake settles into a sitting position, then lets his eyes roam everywhere save for his boyfriend's face. Sunoo's angled his body at him, waiting, because he knows Jake always caves in eventually. This only hardens his resolve, and Jake grits out, "Stop looking at me like that."

Sunoo shrugs. "Like what?"

"Like you're waiting!"

"My, my, my... should I remind you that I didn't say anything about waiting at all? What if I was just staring at you? I'm sure that's something you can relate to, hm?"

"I told you! You just happened to be right in front of me and I couldn't move anywhere while you were clinging to me so I might as well—yeah!"

"I'll make things easier for you and not hug you the next time I sleep, then?"

"No—acccggh! I like watching you sleep."

"I know."

"You know?"

"Hyung, I knew you liked me months before you told me. I just never asked about it because it's a little narcissistic to... assume."

Well. This is news to him. Jake pulls back, a little surprised, brows pulled down to meet in the middle, bewilderment coloring his face. Then, pushing his hand into his hair, resisting every pull of his muscle to tear a whole tuft out, he asks for confirmation, "You knew?"

Sunoo's lips don't even glisten with the promise of a smile. He's dead serious when he nods, "Yeah, it's whatever. Hyung, you really weren't all that subtle."

"What do you mean! I didn't even know I liked you till... not long ago."

"I guess that's fair. But, like, I always notice when you're making that constipated face when you're trying to decide if you should hold my hand."

"What... constipated face?"

"Exactly the one you're making now!" Sunoo huffs, then leans forward to cup Jake's face in his hands. His fingers smooth out every wrinkle, every line of worry, his thumb linger at the corners of Jake's mouth. "Cause you're always so emotionally constipated. It was a little fun to see you fumble when I catch you staring at me."

"I'm just checking to see if you're okay."

"I appreciate the extra attention." Sunoo then falters, his mask of confidence wanes and he stills. "It used to keep me up all night, you know."

If Jake thought they were close before, he doesn't know how to describe the glaring lack of distance between them now.

His breaths are coming in short stutters, like they need some stitching to be pieced together whole again. This is what Sunoo does to him—doesn't make him feel complete, just breaks him down into the most fundamental parts of his being and makes him feel like he's being watched over and loved, everywhere. He doesn't think he's ever heard of someone being this in love just a week into their relationship. Romeo could never...

"W-what did?"

"I know I always feign ignorance or like I didn't care, but I did. I do care. Whenever you spend the whole time we hang out as a group looking over in my direction, I felt like I wanted to be prettier, funnier, louder. For you to keep looking. I spent a lot of time searching for ways to make sure you didn't break your stare. But you—you always did, so I gave up for a while. Then it's like..." Sunoo's pink tongue darts out nervously to wet his lips, buying time to search for the right things to say. "It's like, even when I stopped putting in the extra effort, you'd still look for me. You made me feel pretty on days when I wake up feeling like shit. I know I have a lot to work on, it's just."

Sunoo's hands travel to the hem of his sweater, and he balls it up together into twin fists. "I like who I am around you. I really do."

Jake's jaw has gone slack, because he doesn't know what to say. He'd say, me, too, but that seems a little unoriginal. Fortunately for him, Sunoo still has more left to empty.

"It's a little embarrassing, I guess, but it used to keep me up at night wondering what you think when you look at me. You're always—thinking, even when you speak, and never get why people like looking at rocks in the sky but you make stars sound interesting. And I've always been curious about how you talk about me when I'm not around."

"You'd be—I don't." Then Jake realizes how unromantic that is, and scrambles to mitigate his words, "I don't talk about you because. God. I'm so bad at this."

Sunoo lets go of the fabric and his hand finds Jake's. "You kinda are."

"I only talk about things I understand. You, I've never quite had the time to scour dictionaries and abuse the thesaurus to find the right words for. It's too underwhelming to call you radiant, and too... generic to call you pretty, but you really are. It's the way you speak, or-or when you laugh, and you catch my eyes afterward. I want to yell out to the world about how much I know about you, but it's not like I have the facts. The things I like most about you are all feelings you put me through in a moment. It's the wishing, the hoping, the denying. You give me a lot of trouble, Kim Sunoo."

A smile graces Sunoo's lips.

He cocks his head, a little unrelenting. "Like what?"

Jake holds Sunoo's chin, his fingers warming against Sunoo's cheeks, the tip of his thumb just touching Sunoo's bottom lip. "Like this."

Gently, gently, cradling each other, they finally close the last of the distance.

Jake has been accelerating into Sunoo this whole time, and now that they've finally collided, this holds the bud of the beginning of the rest of history.