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Luke’s hand reached for the radio as soon as the song had started.
“Oh, don’t change the station! I love this song!” Ashley pleaded inside Luke’s car, and the driver exchanged a brief look with his brother, Jay, as if searching for help.
“He hates this song”, Jay stated.
“Oh, come on, Luke, how can you hate ‘My Humps’? It’s just the best song ever!”
“For idiots” Luke replied, joking. “No one will listen to this crap inside my car.”
In 600 meters, turn right , the electronic voice from the GPS instructed.
“Ok, I’ll admit it, it’s crap. But it’s some funny crap. And it sticks to your mind.”
“That’s exactly the problem”, Luke replied. “And it’s annoying.”
“Come on, please?” the girl in the backseat pouted her lips.
“Yeah, please, look how adorable she is” Jay mocked, pretending to take her side.
Luke laughed and turned the volume up.
“Don’t you say I never did anything for you, Ash.”
“You’re the best, Luke. If you had another brother, I’d marry him.” she said jokingly.
“We have other broth… Hey, wait a minute”, interrupted Jay. “What’s wrong with me?”
Ashley smiled widely.
“Nothing. But you’re my best friend. I wouldn’t risk losing you.”
Then she got back to singing the lyrics. Jay smiled back, only this time, his smile couldn’t reach his eyes. Ashley didn’t notice, but Luke did.
In 200 meters, turn right.
As soon as the song ended, Luke turned the radio off, hoping to avoid any other hideous song to play inside his car. Besides, they were close, now.
“You guys are coming home with me, right? Ash, I’ll drop you by, if you don’t wanna sleep over.”
“Yeah, that’d be great. Thank you.”
You have reached your destination.
“And we’re here”, he said, stopping the car near the entry and turning off the GPS app. As soon as he parked, Ashley opened the door and got out. Luke looked at his younger brother with some concern in his eyes.
“She looks gorgeous tonight”, Luke said.
“Doesn’t she always?” he replied, half smiling.
“So, when will you tell her?”
“Shut up, Luke”, he answered, shaking his head. Luke could tell he was nervous. His hands wouldn’t stop moving and he couldn’t look at him.
“I’m serious. You have to tell her, she’s as blind as our aunt Cynthia.”
“You heard her. Best friend. Wouldn’t risk losing me. All that crap.”
“So change her mind, lad. At least try.”
He finally looked at him.
“What if I lose her?”
“You won’t. Now get out of this car.”
He opened the door.
“And, Jay?”
“Yeah?”
“How can she like My Humps? Seriously, your girl needs to be educated in music.”
Jay laughed and got out of the car, waiting for his brother. Ashley was waiting by the door, searching for her ID, and “ damn” , he thought, “she really did look great tonight”.
♦♦♦
“Hey, Nath!” Jay greeted his friend. “Happy Birthday, man!”
“Thanks!” Nathan shook his hand and gave him a hug, patting his back enthusiastically. Ashley hugged Nath too, making the gift box in her hand look a bit messy.
“Happy birthday, Nath” she fixed the bow on the top of the box and handed it to him. “I hope you like it!”
A split second later, his family arrived and Nathan excused himself to great them, excited. It’s been a while since they had seen each other. Jay and Ashley exchanged looks and walked over to where their friends were, leaving the small group to talk.
The girls were all on top of a cellphone. Tinder open, having a small debate and then switching left and right as the faces appeared on screen.
“Fancy place” Jay whispered to Ashley, she agreed with her head and a sweet smile that almost made him curse. His hand was on her back as he led her to the small group of people on the table.
“Hey, Ash and Jay! Come over! We’re picking Tom’s next girlfriend.” Lucy greeted them.
“So that’s his phone, huh? Poor guy.” Jay commented, searching for their friend. Tom was nowhere to be seen. “Where is he?”
“Hitting on some random girl over at the bar,” Miranda said, waving her hand in the direction of what must have been the bar.
“Does he know what you girls are up to?” Ashley asked.
“Hmm, probably not. But he did leave his phone with me, so he was aware of the risks”, Lucy smiled widely.
“I’ll go get him”, Jay said, his hand leaving Ashley’s back as he walked away.
He spotted Max on the way, by himself, and asked him where he could find Tom.
“Probably over at the bar”, was his answer. Jay laughed a bit and made a mental note to talk to Tom about drinking too much. He’d make a threat to take Tom to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. He was already turning to leave when he felt a hand on his arm, holding him.
“Hey Jay!” Max stopped him. “Before you go... When will you tell Ashley you like her?”
“Seriously, could everyone just please stop asking me that?” he replied, annoyed, looking around to check if the girl in question could have possibly overheard the conversation. He ran his fingers through his hair, sort of uncomfortable.
“We will, as soon as you tell her.” Max smiled and pointed over, gesturing to someone at the bar. “There’s Tom.”
♦♦♦
Ashley was chatting with Lucy and Miranda, who finally returned Tom’s cellphone to its owner, once both Jay and Tom had gotten back from the bar. Tom seemed happy enough about his new matches on Tinder, and thought it was all very funny. They were talking about the next trip they would all make, probably to some city in Ireland. Jay was defending Cork, Lucy wanted to go to Belfast, Ashley and Miranda said they had to go to Dublin (again) and Tom was inclined to go to Galway.
Jay excused himself for a moment, going after another flute of champagne. Tom was about to follow him, but Jay was acting like his babysitter and had given him a lecture about Tom having had too many drinks already.
The discussion followed on for a little while, even though each one of them knew it was pointless. They would visit all of those cities, but the fun was to decide in which they would spend most of the nights. The fun was also in winning the small discussion , Ashley thought.
Her thoughts were interrupted when this tall, dark haired guy with blue eyes touched her shoulder, making her turn, and asked her to dance. She glanced at the girls, half smiling, before accepting his outstretched hand and letting him lead her to the dance floor.
They followed the slow song absentmindedly, swaying to one side and then the other, having that kind of conversation you have when you’re meeting someone for the first time. His name was Daniel, he was studying Law, got a good job and had two younger brothers. They continued to sway, his body getting a little closer to hers. She told him a bit about herself, too. Twenty two, no siblings, enjoyed swimming when she needed to clear her head from university chaos, and worked at an office.
From what she could tell, he smiled a lot. She asked about his hobbies, but wasn’t able to hear his answer because someone dropped a glass on the floor. When she looked around, searching for the origin of the sound, her eyes met Jay’s.
He was the one who let the Champagne flute drop to the floor. Its liquid spilled around, getting to his clothes and some of the girl’s dresses. Some of them let out small screams and almost all of them looked at him with fury in their eyes.
Jay didn’t even notice. His eyes were locked on Ashley’s. His face was pale and she noticed he looked like he was holding his breath, like he somehow forgotten how to breathe. Then he seemed to return to his self, turned away from her slowly and walked towards the opposite way.
“Is everything okay?” Daniel asked, and only then, she also felt herself returning completely to the moment. Only then she noticed she stopped dancing. Daniel kept looking from her to where Jay had stood only moments before, as if trying to understand what had just happened. As she gave no answer, he asked again. “Ashley, is everything okay?”
“I’m sorry”, she said, looking at him. “Excuse me.”
And with those words and confused thoughts, she went after Jay, crossing the hall filled with people, trying to spot his curly hair above the crowd. She went to their table, asking for him, but he wasn’t there. She saw Tom and Lucy exchange worried looks, but none of them said anything. Ashley turned around and continued to search for him, Tom took his phone out of his pocket and started to call Jay, but before he could pick up, Ashley was already gone in the crowd.
To her surprise, she found him four minutes later, at the bar, two empty shot glasses on the counter, the third one on the way to his mouth. She sat beside him.
“What is the meaning of this?” she asked. Her voice sounded angry, was she angry? Why was she angry?
“I’m drinking. It’s a party, isn’t it?” his voice a mixture of hurt and anger. Why was he hurt?
After a moment, she turned his face to her, locking their eyes.
“I asked you what you are doing” she tried again. “What’s going on?”
His eyes drifted away from her face, back to the shot. He took it in and asked for another one, ignoring her. He was mad, but he wasn’t mad at her. He was mad at himself, for being such a coward and then being pissed off that some other guy other than him had asked her to dance. But something about seeing her in another guy’s arms, smiling that smile that lit up his day to some guy that wasn’t him, something about the whole situation made his insides burn.
So he was drinking to stop those thoughts.
He couldn’t answer her questions, because he had no idea what he was doing.
She was starting to get mad at him, too, but his body was slowly absorbing the alcohol and things felt out of place. He looked at her. She looked furious and her mouth was moving fast, but he couldn’t make sense of her words. His other shot was placed in front of him, and he drank it too, as if searching for courage in every drop until the last one. She slapped him in the arm as he drank, almost causing him to choke.
“Ash” he said. She had stopped talking and looked at him, waiting with her arms crossed in front of her. “I’m sorry.”
“About what?” she asked, her tone was sharp.
He closed his eyes and prayed his brother was right and they were really made for each other, because if that wasn’t the case, he was about to blow the whole thing to the air.
“I got jealous.”
“That’s stupid, I don’t even know the guy” she replied, unaware of what he meant. He held her hands in his, making her look at him again, before he explained.
“I got jealous because I’m in love with you. And you’re as blind as my aunt Cynthia, as Luke said earlier.”
He probably shouldn’t have said that last part, but it just slipped through his lips. Her eyes widened as she sat there, with her mouth slightly open, saying nothing. He could hear his heartbeat and for a second, he wondered if she could hear it too.
“You’re drunk”, she finally said,. Untangling her fingers from his, she got up and returned to their table, not looking back even once, leaving Jay feeling like he was sinking under water and no one would throw him a rope.
“Woah, what’s that look on your face?” Tom asked. “Did you find Jay?”
“He’s at the bar, getting himself drunk, the bloody idiot!” she spat.
“What happened?” Tom’s face turned immediately to worry, Jay wasn’t the type to get wasted, he was.
“He said he is…” she didn’t think she could finish the sentence. Her friends looked at her, she shook her head and breathed in deeply. “He said he’s in love with me. But I’m pretty sure he only said that because he is drunk and got jealous.”
The table was silent. Everyone had this almost scared look on their faces, like they were all afraid to say something. Suddenly Tom got up and went to the bar as fast as he could, almost running.
“He saw you dancing with Mr. Tall and Handsome?” Lucy asked, carefully.
“Yeah, that’s why he got jealous.”
Every time she rewound those last minutes in her mind again, she got a bit angrier. Why am I angry? she asked herself for what felt like the hundredth time.
“And then he got drunk?” Miranda looked like she was trying to solve a math problem.
“Yes, that’s what I’m saying. What is the matter with all of you?” she slapped the table, trying to get some sense out of her friends. Why was everyone so weird all of a sudden?
“What did you tell him?”
“I told him he was drunk and then…” her mind was confused. “And then I left.”
The shock on Miranda and Lucy’s faces was all it took for her to notice. She covered her mouth with both of her hands.
“Oh my God. I’m a horrible person!”
“Girl, that man has been in love with you ever since I can remember.” Miranda said, still trying to find a way to keep her mouth shut.
“He… what?” Ashley was trying to make her brain understand those words, all of that situation, but it seemed impossible, almost like they were trying to explain it to her in ancient Greek or something.
“He looks at you like you’re a goddess or something”, Lucy agreed.
“How come you’ve never told me?” now she felt like accusing them. “I mean, what kind of friends are you?”
“It was not up for us to do so”, Lucy raised her hands as to calm Ashley down.
“Yeah, and it was not our fault you were too clueless to notice.”
“Miranda!” Lucy reprimanded her friend.
Ashley felt like she was about to vomit. It couldn’t be. Everyone knew but her, and how could she not know? Taking things into consideration, Luke’s comments, the boys’ jokes, it all made sense now. And it was just too much.
She needed to get away from there. She needed a drink.
When she started walking, the girls asked where she was going, as she replied something. It was either “I’m going to the bathroom” or “leave me alone”, she had no idea which one had gotten out of her mouth, as she thought both of them at the same time, over and over. Either way, none of them went after her. It was always Jay that went after her, always worried and wanting to know if she was fine, refusing to let her alone when he knew she wasn’t, even if she lied to his face. Jay. She thought about him and her stomach revolved in itself.
Reaching for the bar, she sat on the opposite side, trying not to be spotted by Tom or Jay. Jay was wasted, and Tom was making him drink some water. His headache would be shit the next day. She kind of hoped hers would be hell as well.
A couple of drinks later, she was feeling dizzy and Tom had left Jay there by himself. She was so mad at him for not telling her. Best friends, that’s what they were! They weren’t supposed to have secrets from one another.
Another drink was put before her. She glanced at Jay from her hidden spot. He was taking another shot of something that looked like whisky. He never drank whisky. But then again, he barely ever drank anything. And he never lied to her. Not until tonight. She was feeling betrayed, and anger drove her to finish that drink too. When she asked for the other one, she almost didn’t recognize her voice. She was also drunk.
Tom returned with Luke, who hugged Jay and gave him a lecture in front of everyone, after all, he was his baby brother. “If she doesn’t see what a great guy you are, she doesn’t deserve you!” were the words that travelled through the crowd to get to Ashley’s ears.
“He lied to me”, she muttered to herself. Then, determination struck her like lightning, she felt the need to tell it to his face.
“Jay!” she shouted, from where she stood, stumbling on her way to him, Tom and Luke.
“I think now’s not exactly the best time”, Luke started.
“You’re a liar!” Ashley spat, poking him on the chest, fury inside her eyes. “How could you not tell me?”
“You just proved that I shouldn’t!” he replied, his voice loud.
“I’ll take you guys outside”, Tom said, reaching for Jay’s arm, as he led her by the hand. “You need some fresh air.”
“You also need to stop yelling in the middle of the party”, Luke agreed. “You don’t want to ruin Nathan’s birthday.”
Once outside, they were both breathing heavily, and Jay asked Tom and his brother to go back to the party, because this shit was personal , as he stated.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you”, he said.
“You are a fucking idiot, that’s what you are. We were supposed to be friends!”
“Yeah, obviously I fucked that up, too.”
Only then she noticed he still had a glass on his hand. She slapped his hand, making the glass fall onto the grass, and slapped him again, this time on his arm.
“You should’ve told me!” she accused him again.
“So you could have broken my heart earlier?” his eyes sustained her look, defiantly. He was hurt, she could tell. She had hurt him. This thought made her heart ache.
“I was the last to know, and you know what?” she got closer to him, her hands moving everywhere. “I don’t even know if we ever were friends!”
Now he looked confused, but if anything, more pissed off.
“What the hell do you mean now, Ash?” he tried to take her hand, but she didn’t let him.
“I don’t even know if we were friends at all. I mean, did you always take care of me because you liked me or because we were friends?”
“BOTH!” he yelled, as if it were obvious.
“How can I know that you didn’t do everything you did just because you liked me?”
He shook his head, she wasn’t making any sense. Of course he took care of her and worried about her because they were friends. Of course he did those things because he liked her too. Those things were always intertwined.
“You know me”, he simply said.
She stopped, dizziness blurring her mind. He tried to hold her hand again, and this time she let him. She kept looking at their hands, their fingers intertwined. It felt safe. It felt right. She thought it would be different, that it would feel different now. But it didn’t. It still felt right.
“I was your friend because that was what I could be”, Jay’s voice was soft now. “I just wanted to be with you, anyway you wanted me.”
“So what changed?” she asked, her eyes slowly going up from their hands to his eyes.
“I realized I would lose you sooner or later, if I didn’t try.”
She looked at him now: her best friend. She remembered her comment inside the car, about marrying Luke’s brother, if he had another one. That sounded almost cruel now that she knew. His hands were still warm in hers, and she felt stupid. Her thoughts drifted on to imagine the whole scene differently. What if she had seen Jay dancing with some girl, some pretty girl she had never seen? Would she be jealous, too?
Would she be okay by knowing that he could have a girlfriend, and with time, that he would do all the things he used to do with her with this new girl? That one day, she’d be nothing more than an old friend, who he never sees anymore? That someone would run her hands through his hair when he was laying on her lap, watching some stupid movie on TV? That, just like earlier, when she left somewhere, wanting to cry, Jay would not be there to make sure she was ok?
Her chest ached at those thoughts, and she thought about how right her hand felt in his. She wondered what it would feel like to be with him, as more than friends. It was so weird that she had never thought about it before. It made so much sense now.
She looked at him, and he was still waiting for her to say something. She had left him without an answer at the bar, the first time he said those words that changed everything. And she didn’t say anything now too, but she needed to.
Instead of saying anything, as she didn’t think she could put everything she was feeling into words, she threw herself in his arms and kissed him. She felt drunk, and he was also drunk, so it was a quite messy kiss, but none of them cared. The kiss tasted like alcohol and strawberries. A part of her was shocked they had that conversation in such an altered state and still managed to understand each other.
♦♦♦
As they got back inside together, Tom decided to celebrate the new couple, handing them both more flutes of champagne, as if they weren’t wasted already. Tom himself was quite drunk, but none of them seemed to care, and everyone drank a little bit more than a little. One of those “I’m too drunk to know I’m too drunk” moments that make you drink another drink when you should’ve stopped drinking after all.
“Ok, whatever, let's just get out of here”, Jay said. He pulled Ashley's hand and crossed the crowd, as if there wasn't a single person in front of them. The only reason they got back inside was to get her purse that had stayed on their table. They didn't even say goodbye to anyone. They left the party, got in a cab and in the absence of logical coordinates, ended up at Jay's flat. Ashley did try to explain her address, but after annoying the taxi driver with loud laughter and scrambled words, Jay convinced him that the drive to his place would keep them inside the vehicle for less than fifteen minutes. That statement seemed to please the cabbie, who also gained a few extra pounds as a tip, due to the inability of the passengers to make complex mathematical operations, like addition, in that state.
They tripped a bit on their way across the building hall, and soon they were inside the elevator. It took them three stops on the wrong floor before finding the right one. Jay had pushed two buttons that 'looked a lot like his', and Ashley tried to correct him, unsuccessfully. The apartment door was open and Tia, his lizard, walked around the sofa.
“Jay, I told you a thousand times to lock your front door. You always leave it open.” Ashley started a failed attempt to scold her best friend, but the tone of laughter in her voice was evident, making her lose all the seriousness of the subject. “One day you’ll come home to find out there’s nothing else in here anym-“
Jay pulled her towards him, stopping her from finishing the sentence. Without much thinking, he touched her lips with his. There wasn't a lot of thinking about the kiss, by any of them. Somewhere deep in her conscience, Ashley heard an insistent little voice telling her that maybe that wasn't the wisest of decisions. Still, for some reason, she couldn't care enough to break the kiss, nor to take her hands off that curly and so soft hair. Jay guided her through the flat by a path that she already knew: the one that led to his bedroom.
As they crossed the room, his hands unzipped her dress, and soon enough that dress was nothing more than a bunch of fabric on the floor. Jay's bed was soft and inviting, and Ashley found herself lying on it, his weight pleasantly over her body, until they were interrupted by a strange and insistent noise coming from the living room.
“Shit, that’s Luke’s ringtone.” Jay cursed, sitting down and sobering up in a burst. “I’ll be right back; he’ll kill me if I don’t answer.”
Ashley could hear him answer to some very tough questions, such as how they left and where they were. The lack of Jay's body heat made her shiver, and she easily slipped under the blankets.
Meanwhile, in the living room, Jay was trying to answer in a way that guaranteed the other side's comprehension. After hanging up the phone, he threw it on the sofa and suddenly felt all the tiredness that the day had provided. He lifted Tia, putting it in its little house, before heading back to the bedroom. Containing a yawn, he crossed the doorway and found his best friend sleeping in his bed. Jay took off his suit and put on his pajama shorts, leaving his worn clothes on the floor. Then he joined Ashley, pulling her close in a tight hug before he fell asleep too, embraced by her perfume scent, sure that her head resting on his chest was the best feeling in the entire world.
♦♦♦
Ashley woke up with a throbbing headache and none of the courage needed to open her eyes. Confused memories danced in her mind. An attempt to speak French at some point of the night, stumbling a couple of times because the ground was moving. She only opened her eyes when she felt her skin against the sheets. "Whoa. Something's wrong here." The searing pain she felt when the light got into her eyes was only subdued by realizing that she was lying in Jay's bed. In Jay's room. In addition, nearly without clothes. She wondered what the hell had happened the night before. With a lot of effort, Ashley lifted out of bed, searching for the homeowner.
“Jay?” she asked, her voice sounding a bit hoarse.
“In the kitchen”, he answered, and she headed to the right room.
“What happened last night?” she asked, softly.
“Hmm, please don’t scream”, Jay frowned as he requested. “And good morning to you, too.”
“Good morning. But I meant it, Jay, I don’t remember much. Can you tell me what happened?” Ashley leaned against the wall, holding the blanket around her. Jay came close to her, holding a glass of water and a small pill, probably an aspirin, and gave them both to her. She took them without question.
“What do you recall?” He looked at her, analyzing the girl.
It was her time to frown. Damn headache.
“Remembering hurts”, she simply stated. Jay laughed a bit, turning off the stove and distributing the boiling water into two cups, both over a small tray.
“We had our first kiss” he risked taking a glimpse her way, and she didn’t seem as confused as he thought she would be. So she remembered that. He smiled, relieved.
“Drunk first kisses don’t count”, Ashley said, as a completely neutral comment. Not as if she was saying that they needed another one to make it count, or wanted them to forget the whole thing that happened. She wanted to say exactly what she had said and nothing else, and Jay understood that. That was one of the reasons they became best friends in the first place.
“Strawberry tea?” he asked, even though he didn’t need an answer, knowing all too well that that was her favorite flavor.
Ashley nodded slowly as she headed to the couch, looking for Tia. It was taking a sun bath on a corner, near the window, and it looked happy. " Of course it's happy ", she thought in a bitter way, " Lizards don't have headaches ."
Jay sat by her side, supporting the two cups on the table in front of him. Turning to face her, he smiled wondering how she could be so adorable with a hangover. Then he pulled her hair from her face, leaning his hand on her neck and gently pulling her close, kissing her again. It would be a lie to say that this kiss wasn’t premeditated, once Jay was thinking about it since he woke up.
"But hangover kisses count", he affirmed, before taking the cups again and giving her the one with strawberry tea.
"Hangover kisses definitely count", Ashley timidly agreed, blowing the hot liquid before taking the first sip, as she tried to hide the little insistent smile on her lips, without much success. “So I guess we need to talk about yesterday.”
“You do remember”, he accused her.
“Some things, yeah. I guess we need to talk about it, don’t we?” Ashley moved her fingers alongside the mug, staring at the tea.
“I guess we do. But can we not, right now?” he frowned a bit and she looked at him, putting her mug on the tray again.
“You were right. I was being an idiot.”
He laughed and the sound was a mix of pleasure, because she loved his laugh, and pain, because she was hungover.
“I didn’t say that,” he stated. “You did. You called me an idiot.”
“Well, I’m correcting it now”, she said, matter-of-factly. “I think we should try.”
“What about that ‘you can’t lose me’ speech you gave yesterday in the car?”
“I won’t lose you, will I?”
“No.”
“Then I guess we’ll be fine.”
“You’re such a coward”, he said smiling.
“I was such a coward”, she corrected him, getting closer to him on the couch and resting her head on his shoulder, holding his hand and intertwining their fingers. She looked at him again, at those blue eyes that looked like little swimming pools and stared so intensively at her, and stated, “I’m being brave now.”
Jay nodded and leaned over to plant a kiss on her smiling lips.
“ We are.”