Chapter Text
“Absolutely fucking not.”
“Kravitz, darling.” Lydia sighs heavily, injecting enough drama into the already tense moment to make it pop like a balloon full of mayonnaise. “We talked about this. You need to have some kind of publicity. As your agent, I was just thinking-”
“Insane thoughts?” Kravitz throws his hands up in the air. It’s already been a tense day, and now this? He can’t handle it. “Are you going to suggest I start licking frogs next, or playing thrash metal nursery rhyme covers?”
He’s pacing. His apartment is nice, but it’s not very big, so he’s essentially taking laps around his couch. He needs to replace it, but he’s used to it, and it’s still sort of comfortable, so he feels bad about it. Does he have the money to replace it? Sixty thousand times over. Actually, his math might be wrong on that one, but the point stands. It’s not about the fucking couch.
“You want to start the hot new frog-licking challenge and I’ll make it happen, sweetheart. I mean, it would be easier if you were on social media-”
“Definitely not!”
“But if your new thing was motherfucker goose, you know we’d be right behind you.”
Kravitz drags his hands down his face, trying not to laugh at that mental image. He doesn’t want to break. If he breaks, she’ll get him into it, and then he’ll be stuck. And it’s for publicity, so it’ll be all pictures and interviews and being seen and perceived by others and having to talk words to important people and not look like an idiot. Especially…
“Lyd, I- if it were something else, maybe-” He sits heavily on the couch and tips his head back to look at the fancy ceiling fan he never turns on. It needs to be dusted. Should he do that? Is he supposed to hire someone to do it? Being famous is so much fucking work. He keeps thinking he’ll get better at it, but somehow he’s even worse than he was a year ago, when things started getting wild. “But there’s no way I can pretend to date somebody for attention. I just couldn’t. It wouldn’t be fair.”
“Oh, you aren’t just going to pretend to date him. You’re going to be engaged. That’ll really heighten the drama.” Lydia pops her gum and texts someone, her long nails clacking rapidly against her phone. “We’ll set the wedding date about a month out, enough time to get people excited, and then we’ll broadcast the wedding, and in another month or so you can get divorced, easy peasy.”
“Not so peasy!!” Kravitz flops over and moans into his couch pillows. “This is absolutely insane. I- how can I be with someone I don’t even know?”
“It’s pretend, sweetheart. Besides, your loverboy will be in on it.”
“Why is this so important, anyway?” He’s definitely not pouting like a child with a dinner plate full of brussel sprouts. Totally not.
“You’re the one that said you weren’t going to produce an album for a while. We need to keep your name in people’s mouths.”
“Can’t I just...just fake going to the hospital?”
“You want me to set that up? I can arrange just about anything. I was just thinking you’d have a bit more fun with the fake engagement. You know, like a game. Besides, we could really use some chances to play your love songs when you go on TV.” She nudges him with the incredibly pointy toe of her incredibly expensive shoes. He groans and does not sit up.
“You aren’t going to let this go, are you.”
“Patently nah.”
“Fuck. This is stupid.”
“That’s what makes it so exciting, Kravvy. Don’t pretend like you wouldn’t have fun making a scene. And you haven’t even asked who I’ve gotten for you yet. I’m honestly insulted.” And now she pouts, trying to egg him into reacting.
Kravitz does not move. He does not want to show interest in this at all. Maybe if he plays dead she will get bored and leave his home, and he can go back to playing guitar in shitty bars and busking to make rent. That was easier.
But also now his curiosity is getting the better of him, which is very dangerous indeed. And he does sort of like a bit of drama.
“Would I... know him?”
“Ever heard of Taako? From TV?” There’s a lioness smirk in her voice and his heart feels like the stupid antelope she’s going to eat for dinner.
“Who?” He’s still muffled by the pillow. It’s starting to get silly. And sweaty.
“He’s a celebrity chef, and not a bad looking one either, really. He ran into a little trouble recently and his reputation could use a helpful boost, one that you could bring to the table. Meanwhile, all your fans go apeshit about you getting married and your album sales rocket. People want you to come on their shows and interview for magazines. It’s easy money. And, like I said, you can just get divorced when it’s not exciting anymore. Simple.”
Okay, this is getting stupid. Kravitz sits up. He can feel corduroy lines on his face, and he pushes his hair back again. Lydia pounces and shows him a picture of the Taako in question on her phone, a paparazzi candid by the looks of it.
Kravitz swallows. He’s fucking beautiful. An elf with long, soft looking hair and piercing eyes, starry freckles, a dangerous smile. Disheveled, but in a way that makes him look like thrift store royalty, rather than more of the same boring designer shit that’s so popular right now. He’s flipping off the camera, and how Kravitz is going to squeeze another ring on those fingers may be a mystery for the ages.
“Damn it, Lydia.”
“Should I let his agent know you’re down?” She grins, all sharp teeth and bright purple lipstick. Kravitz’s stupid antelope heart sinks. He hopes it goes to stupid antelope heaven, but at this rate, he isn’t so sure.
“I guess...it probably won’t be so bad. Maybe...maybe it would be sort of fun.”
“That’s the spirit!!” Lydia cackles. “Oh, this is going to be perfect. I’m going to make a few phone calls, sweetheart, and I’ll let you know when I need you. But be ready for an early morning tomorrow, okay?” She winks like she’s casting some sort of dangerous spell and Kravitz watches her clip out of his apartment on those dagger heels. How she moves like that in a skirt that tight is beyond him, but it’s not any of his business. No, apparently his business is about to be fiancé fraud, and antelope god help his stupid, stupid heart. He’s about to be in a whole heaping month of trouble.