Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Felix stared over the water, watching the moon dance on its surface. This was always his favorite time of night - when the world was asleep and he felt like he was all alone, content in his own little bubble. The railing of the bridge dug into his ass, but he didn’t really care all that much. He had gotten used to it months ago, when he first started coming to this particular bridge to wait out his loud thoughts.

That night was no different. He had slipped from his dorm silently, making his way to his favorite spot on campus - the bridge that overlooked a fairly large river. The water churned dangerously below him, crashing against the rocks and singing a siren’s song to him.

He could jump. He could do it. It would be so easy, and no one would notice him missing for at least a day, maybe two. His roommate Hyunjin would probably think he just... got up early, and was spending the night somewhere. He could do it.

“Beautiful night, isn’t it?” A voice said from beside him. Felix jerked a little but didn’t flinch at the newcomer. He glanced over and saw a boy with curly blond hair, his roots already grown in dark, and a small smile that showed matching dimples on either side of his face.

He was cute, Felix thought to himself.

“Mm, this is my favorite spot,” He decided to indulge the newcomer. What could a little conversation hurt? The boy leaned against the railing, standing on the bottom rung of the barrier between the path and the river. It propped him up a few inches, so he was almost level with Felix. Glancing over Felix saw a familiar look in the boy’s eye - one of exhaustion, and acceptance. “You know, we could both jump on three. Go out with a buddy.”

As morbid as his joke was, the boy laughed. He covered his mouth, which made Felix a little sad - he would have liked to have seen the boy’s face as he chuckled like that. He felt his own lips quirking up in a smirk as he turned to look back over the river.

“Never had a bridge buddy before.” The boy looked down at the rushing river below them.

“Been on the bridge though.”

“Mm.” He didn’t deny Felix’s silent accusation.

“Me too.” Felix whispered. He hadn’t mentioned his suicidal thoughts out loud since high school, when his hyung from the dance team found him sobbing on the practice room floor, his arms ripped up by frantic nails being raked along them.

He knew Minho went on to get his degree in dance, but he wasn’t sure what college he ended up at. The one Felix attended was so large, there was a chance they were enrolled in the same department, and just never crossed paths .

“It really is beautiful here,” The boy said softly. “Almost as beautiful as my lovely partner for this evening.”

Felix flushed bright red when he realized this stranger was flirting with him. He choked on his own spit for a moment before taking a wheezing breath. The boy seemed to find it amusing that he almost killed Felix.

“Careful, don’t want people to think you’re available,” Felix chuckled once he could breathe again. He tried testing the waters, to learn more about the boy without asking outright. The boy blinked, confused about where his new friend was going with this. “Well, they might try to take advantage of that. Someone as hot as you? I bet you’re such a heartbreaker.”

“Ha, you’d think,” The boy chuckled, but there was something sad behind it. “But, no. I, uh, haven’t been in a relationship in a long time... my last one kinda fucked me up. A lot, actually. I’ve been too anxious to date because of it. Every time I meet someone, I end up self-sabotaging.”

“I get that,” Felix murmured, looking up at the moon. It was almost full - not quite, but close enough that it lit up the night enough for him to be able to see the holes in the boy’s ear, where he once had piercings. “Same for me, actually. Almost two years later and I’m still looking over my shoulder.”

“Well don’t we make quite the pair.” The boy chuckled. Felix huffed and grinned, picking a piece of wood off the railing and throwing it into the river below them. It disappeared instantly, even before it hit the water.

Felix’s skin itched. With a sign, he glanced over to the boy.

“You smoke?” He asked, his deep voice soft, almost hesitant.

“Depends on what,” The boy grinned playfully. “Weed, yes. Cigarettes? Occasionally. Crack? Can’t say I have a craving for it just yet.”
Felix blinked at him before throwing his head back and laughing loudly. The sound was carried away by the river, but not the light feeling that was blooming in his chest.

“Hot and funny? Where have you been all my life?” He grinned back, letting his eyes turn up in the way he tried to avoid now. Before he never had an issue with it, but now... now he can barely look at himself in the mirror.

“Ah, I don’t know about that...” The boy trailed off, running his fingers through his bangs awkwardly. Felix thought he was even cuter when he was flustered.

“Alright, Mr Somehow-Still-Hot-at-Two-am,” He scoffed at how the boy’s ears turned even redder in the faint moonlight before his stomach dropped. “Oh shit- I shouldn’t assume pronouns- I’m sorry! Shit-”

“Hot and considerate? Where have you been all my life?” A chuckle cut Felix’s anxious rambling off before it could get worse. “And it’s he/him. Thanks for asking. I know it’s hard for people to get their real pronouns used, so being aware of that helps them out. Normalizing it and all.”

“Mm, sorry again,” Felix muttered, feeling a little stupid. “Um, me too. He/him, though I’ve been referred to with they/them before and it was kinda nice. I dunno, gender is weird and stupid.”

“You could say that again.” The boy chuckled again, sending Felix an almost fond smile.

“Oh right,” Felix remembered why the conversation went in this direction in the first place. “Hear me out. You, me, half a pack of cigarettes of your choice, and hanging out. I know i don’t want to go back to my dorm, and I wouldn’t mind the company.”

“I’m down,” The boy seemed to perk up. “Just lead the way.”

“Anything for you, Prince Charming.” Felix laughed and hopped off the railing. The boy jerked forward, as if to catch him, but he had done it so many times already it was almost second nature to bend his knees just the right amount to absorb the impact.

“Chan.”

“Hm?”

“Though I do like Prince Charming,” The boy - Chan, Felix realized was what he was saying - blushed a little. “Makes me sound... dashing.”

“I dunno, I think you could pull off the whole prince thing,” Felix shrugged, casually reaching his hand out. Chan blinked at him for a moment before his smile softened. He took the offered hand, letting their fingers lace together as they walked towards the 24 hour convenience store just off campus. “My name is Felix.”

“Felix, huh? Is Korean a second language?”

“How could you tell?” Felix frowned a little. He had spent years trying to hide his accent, but it seemed he still couldn’t do that right. He couldn’t do anything right.

“Ah, it’s hard to explain?” Chan rubbed the back of his head with his free hand. “You... you say things rounder? I don’t even know if that makes sense, but the name gave it away.”

“My Korean name is Yongbok, but I never use it,” He wrinkled his nose a little. He had used it when his family first moved to Korea, when he was only ten years old. He had been so excited to meet new friends and experience a new country, even though leaving behind his old friends was heartbreaking. It was only thanks to Hyunjin, who attached himself to Felix’s side the second they got to high school, that Felix was even alive - even if his friend was completely unaware that he saved Felix’s life at all. “Um, when I first moved here, I used it, and the kids would- well, they were middle schoolers. They fucking suck, no matter what country you’re in. They’d make fun of my freckles, and say I was a fake because my Korean was so choppy. My teachers couldn’t even understand what I was saying for the first couple of months because my accent was so thick. Hearing that name... makes me feel like I did back then.”

Why was he talking about this so suddenly? He hadn't really allowed himself to think about his first few years in Korea, so why was it so easy to tell Chan? Maybe it was the genuine look in the other boy’s eye, or how he gave Felix’s hand a reassuring squeeze when his voice cracked a little.

“Kids really are the worst,” Chan hummed, and Felix was painfully relieved that he didn’t try to pull the whole ‘I’m so sorry you had to go through that’ shit. He understood people who said that didn’t mean anything negative by it, but he had heard it so many times that it just irritated him now. Chan seemed to sense that. “I moved here when I was two, but would go back to Australia every summer growing up. I only stopped going a few years ago, when I got into college. It was just too much to juggle, with summer courses and my job. It’s been... wow, three summers since I’ve been back.”

“A-Australia?” Felix froze, causing Chan to stop walking from the sudden stillness.

“Yeah? My English name is Chris, but I haven’t been called that in ages.”

“Oh my god!” Felix’s entire face lit up. The English flowed from his lips easily, even though he rarely spoke his native tongue anymore - mainly just with his family, and with his childhood friends he had reconnected with. Chan blinked before he grinned, the dots connecting in his head. “What’re the odds? I moved here when I was ten! I’ve only been back like, three times since then...”

“Wow, maybe this really is fate,” Chan laughed, the sound making Felix’s chest feel lighter, as if it took some weight from it. In Korean, Chan barely had an accent at all, but in English it was as strong as Felix’s. “Maybe the universe was just waiting for the right time to have us meet.”

“You really believe in that stuff?” Felix couldn’t help but ask. Thankfully, Chan didn’t seem offended by the disbelief in the smaller boy’s voice.

“Kinda? I don’t think I believe in God, but I do think everything happens for a reason,” He said, letting their entwined hands swing gently between them as they walked. The sign for the store shone through the darkness from across the street. “Like, everything that happens to us is to nudge us towards something bigger. We have free will for most of it, but in the end we all make it to what we were meant to do.”

“Hm, I guess that makes sense,” pressed the button for the crosswalk completely out of habit - there were no cars to stop. He scowled a little at himself before tugging Chan across the single lane road that was normally always backed up with cars. “As much as I hate my ex, I wouldn’t be the person I am without him fucking me over. As sucky as it was, I needed to go through that to be... well, to be me.”

“Exactly.” Chan hummed, and Felix felt a spark go down his spine, as if Chan had outright praised him for doing something right. As they approached the door, Felix’s face pinched in disgust.

“Oh fuck, not this guy,” He whispered, sending a death glare to the boy behind the counter. Chan shot him a questioning look, causing him to sigh a little. “He’s never done anything outright, but he’s always making comments about me... I try to avoid this place when he’s working...”

“Don’t worry Lix,” The nickname sounded different coming from Chan’s mouth than when his other friends said it. “I won’t let anything bad happen to you.”

“Thank Channie.” Felix let his scowl drop. Chan opened the door for him, letting his hand rest on the small of Felix’s back for the briefest of moments as the smaller boy walked in front of him.

They made their way to the back, where the drink coolers were blocked by the tall chip displays, which meant the asshole behind the counter wouldn’t know who walked in until they went to pay. Felix pointed at the Monsters, which were on a downright dangerous sale - two for two, the sign proudly said. Felix was almost tempted to buy ten right then and there, to stock up for the rest of the week, but he was good and only grabbed two. Chan did the same, only to realize something at the last second.

“Shit, I grabbed the iced tea ones,” He frowned. “Hold on, I’ll be right back.”

“Mm.” Felix hummed. As he looked at the candy display, he accidentally stepped just a little too far out, his blood curdling in disgust when he heard his name being called.

“Felix!” The boy behind the counter grinned, and it looked too wide on his face, like his features didn’t quite belong together. “It’s been forever since you’ve come in cupcake.”

“I usually buy my shit during the day.” Felix bit the inside of his cheek. He wanted to be able to come back to this store again in the future, but he was so close to launching himself over the counter. If he called him ‘cupcake’ one more time-

“You shouldn’t be out this late,” The boy continued. “It’s dangerous, especially for someone as... pretty and small as you. It would be a shame if some... creep got to you before I did.”

Felix bit down a little harder, tasting blood on his tongue. God, he hated his guy so fucking much but there was nothing he could do without getting a misdemeanor from the school, and he couldn’t afford his scholarships being taken away.

“Ya know, I get off my shift soon,” He looked Felix up and down, as if trying to undress him with his eyes right in the middle of the store. He was wearing a pair of ratty sweatpants with his high school’s dance team name down the leg and a hoodie he had cut into a crop top, leaving just his midriff bare. Felix had felt comfortable in his outfit until the guy looked at him like that. Now he just felt used. “Why don’t you stick around and I walk you back to your dorm? Or if it’s too late, you can just stay at mine-”

“Sorry I took so long baby,” Chan’s voice came from right behind Felix, making him jump a little. A strong arm wrapped around his waist as a hand reached from around him to place two cans down on the counter. “I got distracted by the little descriptions on the back.”

“It’s okay,” Felix never felt so relieved to see a stranger - well, partial stranger. He still knew next to nothing about Chan, but he would pick Chan over the cashier in 11 out of 10 situations. “I do that too.”

He giggled a little, leaning back into Chan’s chest. He realized how toned the other boy was under his baggy hoodie and felt his ears warm. His face exploded in a light blush when he felt Chan place a chaste kiss to his cheek.

“Anything else you want, kitten?” Chan purred, gently taking the cans and snacks from Felix’s arms and putting them on the counter as well.

“You can pick the brand.” He smiled at the scathing look the cashier was giving them.

“Mm, right,” Chan kissed his cheek again before scanning the wall of cigarettes behind the counter. “Could we get one pack of those?” He pointed to a mid-shelf pack, not super expensive but way nicer than the shitty ones Felix usually smoked.

The cashier sneered, taking the pack but not putting it on the counter.

“You’re really going to smoke around him?” He asked Chan, as if Felix wasn’t there. “He doesn’t need a bad influence like you getting him into trouble-”

“They’re actually for me,” Felix cut him off with a sickeningly sweet smile. The cashier blinked, taken aback by the interruption, and Felix took pride in the look on his greasy face. “I’m going to be the ones smoking most of them, so if you could just ring us up so I can pay and do just that, I’d really appreciate it.”

The cashier’s eyes popped from his head, his face flushing red in embarrassment as he scanned their things. As Felix reached for his wallet - you couldn’t use the college credits on the student ID to purchase things like cigarettes or alcohol, even if you were of age - but before he could grab his debit card, Chan was sliding his own into the chip reader.

“Hey!” Felix pouted. “I said I would pay for it!”

“Well, you can pay next time.” Chan laughed at the mock-offended look on the smaller boy’s face as he slipped his card back into his wallet and took the bag from the counter.

As a last thought, he grabbed one of the free matchbooks from the bowl next to the register, winking at the guy. With his free hand, he took Felix’s and pulled him from the store, leaving the cashier staring after them, his jaw on the counter.

“Jesus fuck, I can’t stand that guy.” Felix spat as soon as they were crossing the road away from the store.

“Is it always like that?” Chan felt anger simmering just below his skin. He had heard everything the boy said to Felix - it was a small store, after all - and it had taken all his restraint not to punch him in the nose.

“Mm, which is why I always avoid him if I can,” Felix sighed. “I’m honestly scared of being stuck with him, because I don’t trust him not to... you know...”

“He mostly works overnight, right?”

“Mm.”

“Perfect,” Chan smiled, but it was tight. “I’ll just go with you whenever you want to go to the store at night.”

“Really?” Felix blinked, genuinely shocked by the offer.

“Of course,” Chan’s lips tugged down in a frown. “You shouldn’t have to be afraid for your own safety just for going into a fucking convenience store. Plus, I think I make a pretty convincing fake boyfriend.”

“Mm, you definitely do,” Felix found the discomfort thrumming under his skin from the cashier’s lecherous looks and words was fading, replaced with the oddly warm fuzz from when Chan silently praised him. “Might have even tricked me a little bit there.”

Chan just chuckled but didn’t say anything. They made their way back towards the bridge, but instead of going over to the railing, where they met, the two students made their way to the riverbank, where the brush had been cleared to make room for a bench.

They sat side by side, letting the sound of the rushing water and singing nightlife wash over them for a few moments before breaking the comfortable silence by digging through the noisy plastic bag. Chan handed Felix one of his Monsters before cracking open one of his own, taking a long sip and closed his eyes, nodding as if congratulating himself on picking a good flavor. Felix giggled a little at the other boy’s antics. Chan cracked one eye open and playfully stuck his tongue out at him.

Felix followed suit, opening his own can and letting out a little ‘bleh’ as he stuck his tongue out right back. Chan grinned, sitting up properly and looking back out over the river, where the moon was still dancing along the surface, as if there wasn’t a care in the world.

“Smart, grabbing the matchbook,” Felix commented as he pulled the book and the pack of cigarettes from the bag. “I’ve been meaning to buy more lighters, but he threw me off... dumb bitch.”

“Mm, he truly had the face of a dumb bitch, didn’t he?” Chan mused, almost solemnly, causing Felix to grin crookedly and nudge the other boy with his shoulder. There was something about the casual touches that felt... nice. Right, almost. Sure, his friend’s were fairly touchy, but it was different with Chan.

Maybe it was because they were strangers, so it almost felt too intimate - almost felt... taboo to be so easy going with him. If anything, it just made Felix want to get to know Chan more. He wanted to understand Chan, and not be strangers anymore.

“Damn,” Chan whistled appreciatively as Felix placed the filter end of a cigarette between his teeth and skillfully lit a match, bringing the small flame up to his mouth to light the end before shaking the match out and flicking it onto the dew dampened grass. “You’re so sexy when you’re serious.”

Felix, not having expected anything even close to that to come from the other boy’s mouth, inhaled just a little too sharpy and started coughing, alternating between hacking up a lung and laughing, tears gathering in his eyes. By the time he could take a breath, Chan had lit a cigarette of his own and was watching Felix fondly, the smoke curling around his bangs every time he took a drag. He leaned back on the bench, one arm stretched out behind Felix’s shoulders while staying on the bench itself, while the other held the cigarette. He even let his knees spread a little, and if Felix wasn’t perfectly okay with being pressed so close to Chan, he might have been a little irritated that he was man-spreading.

“You’re one to talk,” Felix wiped his eyes with the heel of his palm, using his sleeve like a tissue before taking a drag of his own. Chan raised a single eyebrow, almost challenging Felix to explain. “Look at you, sitting like you own the whole campus. Makes a boy all hot and bothered, you know? You need to start taking responsibility.”

Felix was never usually so forward with his flirting, usually trying light compliments and jokes to break the ice, but there was something about this situation that brought out a different side of him. Maybe it was the late hour that made it feel like he and Chan were in a different world entirely, that had no impact on their real lives. Maybe it was the nicotine in his system, making his throat burn in the second best way - blunts would always be his favorite burn, but his friend Jisung had been out for a week now. A shame, really.

“I always told myself I would never do shit like smoking,” Chan said suddenly, breaking the comfortable silence. Felix glanced over at him and hummed for him to continue. A breeze blew past them, making goosebumps cover Felix’s exposed skin. Without thinking, he huddled closer to Chan, enjoying the other boy’s warmth. “Yeah, I was such a good kid in high school - straight As, student council, star of the swim team. Hell, I almost won prom king. The only reason I came in second was because the guy I was running against had been diagnosed with leukemia and I wanted everyone to vote for him, so he could have the best senior year possible.”

“You’re really nice,” Felix murmured, snuffing the last of his cigarette on the bench and pulling out a second one. Chan didn’t even bat an eye at how quickly Felix started his second, seeing how he had just done the same seconds before. “It almost feels like there’s some big hidden secret that makes you not perfect. Did you kill someone? Run an underground mafia?”

Chan laughed, the vibrations ringing through Felix’s chest, and he found he enjoyed the sensation far more than he should.

“No murder yet,” Chan continued to chuckle as he answered. “And as far as I know, no mafia, but there’s the chance I’ve been running some underground system without even realizing it.”

“You would do that.” Felix snorted lightly. Silence washed over them for a moment, smoke curling into the darkness like spirits dancing in the night.

“It’s kinda ironic, honestly,” Chan continued softly. “My freshman year roommate was the one that got me high for the first time, and suggested nicotine to help with anxiety. Well, mainly the weed. The cigarettes were a last resort kind of thing.”

“Smoking is so bad for you Channie. You should know better.” Felix shook his head, letting out a lungful of smoke into the night air. Chan chuckled again, and Felix wanted to feel the other boy laugh while pressed against him forever.

“The only thing bad for my health is your smile,” Chan countered, causing Felix to whine and cover his face with his hands. He huffed and let his free hand rest on his thigh, his other still holding his cigarette. “But yeah, I just think about that sometimes. How I used to be such a good kind, and now I’m a stoner with anxiety who smokes with cute boys at...” He checked his phone briefly. “Three in the morning.”

“Hey, I feel like the now version of you is more fun.” Felix muttered without thinking. He felt Chan freeze for a moment before huffing and letting his arm fall on Felix’s shoulders, slipping from the back of the bench to pull the smaller boy closer.

“Mm, me too,” He took a drag and held the smoke in for a moment before letting it go slowly. “Delinquent Chan is living life the way high school Chan didn’t. Delinquent Chan being alive at all is already doing better than high school Chan.”

“It’s hard to get your shit together when you never expected to live past graduation,” Felix hummed, letting his eyes fall closed for a moment. “You just... always feel like you’re stumbling. Like, no matter how hard you try to get ahead, you’re always just a few steps behind everyone else.”

“I almost didn’t make it to graduation,” Chan confessed quietly. “Fuck, I don’t even know why I’m talking about this.”

“Because 3am conversations have to be deep and emotional,” Felix was a little relieved that Chan was feeling the same way. “It’s the rules of the universe.”

“Mm, we can’t go against the universe,” Chan smirked before letting his face drop, exhaustion lining his features. “Fuck, I haven’t talked about this since my roommate and I got really drunk back freshman year...”

“It’s alright,” Felix fully leaned his head against Chan’s shoulder. He resisted the urge to sit in the other boy’s lap and let Chan hold him close. “You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”

“I was just... really tired, Pixie,” the nickname slipped out, and Felix wasn’t even sure the other boy knew he had said it at all. Felix found he really, really liked it. “I felt like I had to be perfect all the time. If I got anything less than a ninety five on an assignment, I felt like a failure. Whenever someone beat my time at a swim meet, I wondered if I was even good enough to be on the team anymore.”

Felix listened in silence, knocking out two more cigarettes and handing one to Chan, who took it and lit it, using the same match to light Felix’s. Deep down, Felix knew it was bad to chain smoke, but hey - life was short and nothing mattered! Besides, he could be doing so much worse to himself.

“I didn’t want to make a mess for anyone to clean up, so I tried o-overdosing,” Chan’s voice cracked painfully, and Felix felt his own eyes stinging. “I ended up throwing it all up and spent the entire night glued to the toilet. I don’t know if I’m thankful or not, but no one knew until I... I told my roommate, so you and him are the only people in the world who know that now... wow, that’s kind of freaky to think about.”

“Thank you for telling me,” Felix whispered, the smoke making his throat sting worse than the threat of tears. “I-I know it’s so fucking hard... especially when you only have one person to talk to... you feel guilty for bothering them, so you try to avoid burdening with your shit, but that only causes more shit to pile up.”

“You sound like you’re talking from experience.”

“Mm, my friend is the only one who knows how emotionally fucked up I am - and my hyung from my dance team, but I... don’t know what happened to him. But Jinnie and me - we’ve been friends for... fuck, almost six years. He was the one who-who talked me off the ledge,” Felix lost the battle with himself, letting a tear slip down his cheek. He was starting to get cold, the night air just chilly enough to make his hands shake around his cigarette. He fought back the urge to press the beautiful glowing end to his skin. He hadn’t done that in almost two years, and he wasn’t really feeling up to breaking that streak. “I didn’t want him to find out. Ironically, he just happened to be walking back from a hook-up when he saw me standing on the edge of this abandoned building that the kids from our town used for parties and shit..”

“I should thank your friend, if I ever meet him,” Chan’s voice was raspy and it coaxed the embers in Felix’s gut to spark. “For saving you, and for giving me the chance to meet you tonight.”

“That’s cheesy,” Felix couldn’t look at Chan, because he knew the other boy was looking at him, and if his face had any kind of gentle emotion on it, Felix would absolutely burst into loud, ugly sobs. “You don’t know. M-maybe I’m bad news. Maybe you’ll end up regretting meeting me.”

“Hm, maybe, but I really doubt it,” Chan snubbed out his cigarette and wrapped his arms around Felix’s waist, holding the smaller boy as he shook. “Like I said before - I really do believe everything happens for a reason. We met for a reason. I’m sure of it.”

“You’re so warm...” Felix whispered. He didn’t know if he wanted Chan to hear him at all, but regardless of what he might have wanted, the other boy definitely heard him.

“And you’re freezing,” He frowned a little, finally noticing just how hard Felix was shaking in his arms. “Do- do you want to come back to my apartment for the night? It’s right around the corner...”

“Are you going to warm me up?” Felix was only partially teasing. He felt Chan’s breath catch in his throat before letting out a shaky breath.

“Do... do you want me to warm you up?” Chan was hesitating. Felix could tell the other boy was giving Felix an out if he didn’t want to go where the smaller boy was insinuating they should go, and it warmed his heart that Chan would be so considerate.

“Mm, and if I do?” His question ghosted over Chan’s lips, and it seemed like the air froze around them. Felix waited for Chan’s answer, his mind screaming at him for making things awkward with each second that passed.

“Fuck it.”

Chan pressed their lips together, instantly nipping at Felix’s bottom lip. Felix eagerly opened his mouth, wanting to taste the Monster and the smoke on the other boy’s tongue, and fuck was it divine.

Felix wanted to lose himself in how hot and wet Chan’s tongue was, and how the other boy seemed to guide the kiss rather than taking it over. There was something so intoxicating about how Chan made him feel small, but in a good way. He didn’t feel pressured, or like he was being treated like something breakable. Chan bit and pulled at his lip, kissing the ache away instantly. He didn’t kiss Felix was he was glass, but rather like something precious to be taken care of.

“Ah- d-did you still want to go back to my place?” Chan asked, reluctantly breaking away from the kiss.

“What? Don’t want to take me here on the bench?” Felix teased, his face burning with a happy flush. Chan looked at him for a moment before chuckling.

“It’s too cold for that,” He said after a moment. He leaned in and pressed his lips to the corner of Felix’s mouth, smiling as the smaller boy chased after him. “And a bed would be more comfortable... for sleeping, or, um, whatever.”

“You’re so cute.” Felix giggled at how Chan’s ears burned fire engine red.

“Come on, let’s get you warmed up properly.” Chan nudged Felix off his lap and gathered their trash into the store bag. He carried that in one hand, and grabbed Felix’s hand with his other.

He pulled Felix into one last, breathtaking kiss before tugging the smaller boy towards the campus apartments, Felix’s face lit up with a goofy smile the whole way.

He had gone to the bridge expecting to stare at the water for a few hours and make the walk of shame back to his dorm when the sun started to rise, but this was a much better ending to his evening.

Chapter Text

Felix moaned as his back was slammed against the door, Chan’s hand cradling the back of his head so he wouldn’t get hurt. He gripped the other boy’s hoodie, his fingers twisting in the strings as he tried to tug Chan even closer.

“Sh-shit Lix.” Chan growled as Felix nudged his knee between the other boy’s legs, able to feel how hard Chan was already. It made him want more.

“Mhm, I want you to bite me,” Felix sucked on Chan’s tongue for a moment, making the other boy hold his hips tighter. “Mark me, Channie.”

“God, you’re driving me crazy,” Chan’s words hit Felix’s throat and he felt the heat rush directly down between his own legs. Felix let out a breathless giggle as Chan’s teeth dug into his neck before a tongue gently lapped at the skin, silently apologizing for causing him pain, even if it was just a little bit. Chan pulled back, his eyes glazed and pupils blown wide. He was beautiful.

There were already bruises forming on his throat where Chan practically attacked him, and the way the hands on his waist were tightening, Felix really hoped he would be able to see finger marks in the morning. He had gotten used to the taste of cigarettes on Chan’s tongue, which was a bit of a bummer, but he quickly forgot that disappointment because now Chan was slipping a hand down the back of his sweatpants and grabbing a fistfull of Felix’s ass, kneading the flesh between his fingers and making Felix’s stomach flutter.

“Lix...” He pulled his hand back and put some space between him and Felix.

“Why did you stop?” Felix whined, gently rutting up against Chan’s chest, desperately trying to get some friction between them. They both whined a little as their cocks rubbed against each other, sparks fizzing behind Felix’s closed eyes.

“I need to know you want this,” Chan put a little more distance between them, cupping Felix’s cheek and running a thumb under the smaller boy’s eye, tracing the freckles that kissed his skin. “That you aren’t just going along with this for me, or because you feel like you need to or- or that you-”

“I want this,” Felix said, looking at Chan. “I want you. Please?”

“Shit Lix,” Chan’s face crumbled before diving in and capturing Felix’s lips again, desperately pressing against the smaller boy’s mouth. “D-do you want to get on the bed?”

“Carry me?” Felix teased, confidence flowing through his veins in a way he didn’t know was possible. He felt desirable. He felt...

Powerful.

Chan didn’t hesitate to pick him up and bring him over to the bed, gently tossing him onto the mattress as though he weighed no more than a large cat. He bounced a little, causing him to giggle again. He instantly missed Chan’s strong arms around him.

This whole situation was so- so crazy! He felt like there were bubbles in his stomach, causing him to laugh and whimper happily into Chan’s mouth as he began to run his hand up Felix’s chest, pushing his cropped hoodie up to reach the smaller boy’s bare skin.

“How far do you want to go baby?” Chan asked between bites, littering Felix’s chest with reddening marks. Felix desperately hoped they would last because he always thought he looked the most beautiful when covered in bruises.

“I wasn’t- ah- I wasn’t planning on h-having sex tonight.” Felix said, his eyes rolling back as Chan licked a stripe from his navel to his sternum. If he had known, he would have groomed himself a little better.

“That’s not a real answer kitten.” Chan teased, licking over Felix’s nipple and causing him to twitch.

“N-not all the way,” Felix admitted, closing his eyes and turning his head away, as if he were afraid Chan would get mad at him. When no reprimand came, he cracked one eye open again. “I... I want to keep going, I just...”

“We don’t have to go all the way, angel,” Chan smiled softly and kissed Felix, the press of his lips so gentle that it was almost jarring compared to how Chan was marring him up just moments before. “Thank you for being honest with me.”

“What?” Felix paused, looking at Chan curiously.

“What do you mean what?” Chan blinked back.

“Why are you thanking me?” Felix couldn’t help but frown in confusion - said confusion mixing with the underlying fear that accompanied his words. “Why- why aren’t you getting mad? Or-or h-hitting me or-”

“Wh-” Chan sat up fully, looking down at Felix with a mix of lust and horror, the two expressions fighting for control. “Felix... I would never h-hit you-”

“I-” Felix couldn't name the emotions swirling in his chest. “B-but I practically told you no... why wouldn’t you be mad at me? My ex would always hit me when I told him no, so as long as you don’t do that I guess everything’s okay...”

There was a beat of silence before tears started gathering in Chan’s eyes. Felix began to panic, crawling out from under the other boy and kneeling between Chan’s thighs, his hands fluttering over Chan’s cheeks in an attempt to help somehow.

“Wh-why are you crying?” He was starting to panic now. He was still painfully hard, but there was something in the way Chan’s face seemed to crumple that struck in through his very core. “I’m sorry! I’m sorry please don’t cry-”

Felix was cut off as Chan pulled him into a tight hug, pressing the smaller boy’s head to his shoulder, their bare chests flushed to one another. Felix froze until he felt Chan crying softly into his shoulder, the tears making his skin wet.

“Please don’t cry,” Felix whispered softly. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you sad.”

“You-” Chan choked, trying to hold Felix closer. “You never deserved to be treated like that. What your ex did... what he did was fucking- I swear to god if I ever see this asshole, he’s going to wish I just killed him-”

“Hey, it’s alright,” Felix pulled back just enough to make Chan look at him. “I’m fine.”

“I wish I could just... take your pain away,” Chan’s words were barely a whisper. “You don’t deserve this.”

“It’s okay Channie,” Felix’s heart melted. Was it possible that Chan... actually cared that much about him? About someone he just met? “I’m here. I’m alright. He’s gone. He can’t hurt me anymore.”

Hyunjin had been drilling these phrases into his head for the last two years, trying to convince Felix that it wasn’t actually his fault - that Felix wasn’t the one who was abusive, no matter what his ex said, and that Felix was allowed to be upset even though it’s been such a long time since he’s seen that asshole last.

Chan kissed him again, but this time it was gentle - almost painfully so. Chan’s lips tasted like salt and they pressed against Felix’s own so softly it scared him a little.

No one had ever been so careful with him before.

“Channie... wanna make you feel better,” Felix murmured against Chan’s lips. Even after all of that, Felix was still half hard and wanted to feel Chan’s skin on his. “I... I still wanna keep going, if you do.”

“You’re too good,” Chan hummed, training feather light kisses down Felix’s throat. “Can I take care of you, kitten?”

“Please...” Felix’s eyes fluttered closed as strong hands ran down his body.

“Thank you,” Chan breathed, stoking the fire in Felix’s stomach. “You’re so fucking beautiful.”

Felix was more than willing to submit himself to Chan, even though he barely knew the other boy, and he found he was surprisingly okay with it. Something told him that Chan wouldn’t hurt him - not like his ex did. Chan was too conscious of his actions, and too careful when it came to making sure Felix was comfortable.

He arched into Chan’s touch, sparks flashing behind his eyes again.

“So good,” Chan murmured. “So pretty.”

Felix wished he could hear Chan call him pretty forever. He knew he couldn’t, but he could pretend... just for tonight.

Rolling over, Felix’s first thought was wondering where his underwear was, seeing how he could feel the sheets against his bare ass. His second thought was where Chan was, seeing how the other boy was nowhere to be seen.

He groaned as he sat up, his body sore despite not actually having been fucked. Looking at himself, he felt himself smirking a little at how bruised up he was. It looked as though he had been mauled, with purple splotches covering his chest, painted down his lower stomach and onto his thighs.

Felix debated with himself for a moment before crawling out of the soft bed. He found his sweatpants - and therefore his phone in his pocket - and went over to the full length mirror hanging on the back of the door.

Smirking more, he took a few pictures of the bruising, to commemorate this moment seeing how it probably wouldn’t happen again.

He poked his head out of the room and heard the water running across the hall - Chan must be in the shower. That meant he had a chance to slip out before things got awkward - the morning after a hookup always was.

Felix got dressed, wincing here and there as the fabric pressed into the bruising, especially around his waist. He grabbed his last monster and the pack of cigarettes from the bag, wondering if it would be rude for him to take them.

He remembered that Chan said he rarely smoked, so he tucked the pack into his pocket along with the matchbook.

As a last thought, Felix took the receipt from the now empty bag and found a pen laying on the cluttered desk on the other side of the room. He hesitated for a few moments before jotting down a quick note and adding his number under it. He felt it was... kind of stupid, if he was being honest, but he didn’t have the braincells to write something poised.

Last night feels like a dream. If you want a bridge buddy, hmu - Lix

Felix crept over to the bed and tugged the sheets and blanket into place, rearranging the pillows and placing the receipt-note on the middle one.

He hesitated. Should he wait for Chan to get out of the shower? Was this something they should talk about? Did it even matter, if he would probably never see the other boy again? It wasn’t like Chan would actually text him, right?

Felix flipped his hoodie hood up over his messy hair - partially from just waking up, and partially from Chan pulling on it oh so perfectly just a few hours prior - and snuck from Chan’s bedroom. He closed his eyes and held his breath as he clicked the door shut as quietly as possible, only opening his eyes as he turned around.

“FUCK-”

“AAHH-”

Felix screamed, jumped away and slammed the doorknob into the small of his back, making him cry out in pain. The last thing he had been expecting was to see a face - that was definitely not Chan’s - mere inches from his own.

“Wh- Felix?”

“Who- M-Minho hyung?” Felix blinked, feeling like he was still dreaming.

“What the fuck is going on?” Chan threw the bathroom door open, the shower still running and soap in his hair, the towel wrapped haphazardly around his hips. As the door flew open, the handle of that one also hit Felix’s side, making him whine again.

“Why is your apartment beating me up?” He huffed, trying not to cry - it hurt so much worse than he thought it would. It was like the doorknobs managed to punch a hole through his back and side

“Felix, you’re awake,” Chan’s shoulders slumped a little when he realized there wasn’t actually someone breaking into their home and holding them at gunpoint. “Min, did you scare him?”

“Hyung, how many times have I warned you to tell me if you’re going to bring someone back?” Minho glared at the older boy, who gave a sheepish smile. The suds from his hair were starting to drip down his face, causing Chan to squint one eye.

“It was a last minute decision,” Chan pouted a little, wiping the soap from his eye. Felix was proud to see Chan’s chest was almost as badly marked as his own. “Please don’t hold my mug hostage again.”

“Maybe when you earn mug privilege, you’ll get it back,” Minho crossed his arms and gave Chan an unamused look. “Get your ass back in the shower. You’re soaking the floor. And you-” He turned and stared into Felix’s soul. “We have to talk.”

“Do you... know each other?” Chan asked, sensing the awkward tension between his roommate and his... friend? Was that what Felix was?

“Mm,” Minho just hummed as Felix stared at his feet. “Hyung. Shower.”

“Right.” Chan hummed, giving Felix one last look before disappearing back into the bathroom. It was only then that what Minho said sunk in.

“Wait, hyung? He’s older than you?” Felix balked, staring at his old friend in horror.

“Hm? Yeah, Chan hyung is a senior,” Minho said casually before his eyebrows furrowed at the younger boy. “But you...”

“It-it’s been a while, hyung.” Felix offered him a small smile. After a moment, Minho smiled too. He gestured for Felix to follow him with a nod of his head, walking back towards the kitchen without checking to make sure Felix was actually following.

Of course, Felix did follow him, padding silently behind the older boy. He watched Minho take one mug - an old, chipped one with green stripes and a crest with a snake on the side - and quickly tucked it behind three levels of cans in the bottom cabinet before grabbing two more and putting them on the counter.

“Tea or coffee?” He asked, already pouring coffee into one. Felix would have been fine with his warm Monster, but he found he almost... wanted Minho to take care of him.

“Um, coffee please.” Felix muttered, eyes glued to the tacky tiles of the kitchen floor.

“You used to be a terror when you drank coffee.” Minho chuckled as he poured the steaming liquid into the second mug and handed it to Felix, pointing to the sugar bowl. As Felix scooped obscene amounts of sweetener into his coffee, Minho grabbed the creamer. Felix added a splash to his mug.

Minho went to the living room and sat on the second hand couch, patting the cushion next to him for Felix.

“So Lix...” He started as soon as the younger boy sat, instantly pulling his legs up under himself as he sipped his too-hot coffee. Minho chuckled when Felix made a face at the new burn on his tongue, opting to blow gently on it for a bit instead.

“I... I didn’t know you went to this school...” Felix said awkwardly.

“Mm, I don’t go out a lot. Not like high school,” Minho smiled a little when he saw the younger boy fight back a grin. Minho was a notorious homebody, preferring game nights with wine and close friends over parties with piss-beer and strangers. “I basically spend my free time either here, or in practice room F.”

“Isn’t that the haunted one?” Felix gasped. There were ten practice rooms in the theater department building, labeled A-J. They were normally packed, and you needed to rent time in them ahead of time if you wanted to work on something - except practice room F, which everyone in the department avoided like the plague. Even if every other room was booked through, they would leave that one empty on purpose.

“Mm, a little, but as long as you’re polite it’s fine.” Minho’s mouth curled at the shocked look on Felix’s face.

“Wait, it’s actually haunted for real?”

“I mean, a little,” Minho shrugged. “If I play the music too loud the speakers will cut out, and if I’m in there for more than five hours the lights start to flicker. I timed it once - at five hours on the dot they started going. I think they were worried about me overworking.”

“That’s... kind of cute, actually.” Felix risked his coffee again, smiling to himself when it was just cool enough to drink comfortably.

“One time I went to dance after getting into a fight with this guy I had been not-dating. I was a fucking disaster. Even the ghost could tell I was a mess. I made it through maybe two run throughs before I just... collapsed on the ground and started crying. My phone started to glitch and played Lay Your Head on Me by Crush... I thought that song had been lost in one of my old playlists but apparently not.”

“It seems like they really care about you.”

“Mm, maybe it’s because I’m the only one who’s not afraid to spend time with them,” He sipped his own coffee, not caring in the slightest that it was already getting cold. Felix made a mental note to try room F and get to know the ghost that lived there if it was so nice. “It’s been like this since my freshman year.”

“It’s... it’s really good to see you again, hyung.” Felix knew what Minho was doing - he was distracting Felix from his discomfort with a story. It’s how he managed to get him to talk about what was happening the handful of times Minho actually witnessed one of Felix’s breakdowns.

“I’m glad to see you’re doing good,” Minho looked Felix up and down, not missing the patchwork of bruising along the boy’s exposed stomach and throat. “Well, as good as you can be after being on the receiving end of Channie hyung’s biting kink.”

“Ah, yeah...” Felix chuckled awkwardly, covering a particularly harsh bruise on the juncture of his neck and shoulder.

“Lix... how are you doing?” Minho finally looked right at Felix, and the younger boy’s stomach instantly dropped. He knew exactly what Minho was implying, and he genuinely had no idea where to start.

The sound of the shower turning off only added to the anxiety pressing down on him. He wondered how long it would take for Chan to join them. Would he judge him for being so weak for Minho? Suddenly, the bathroom door was opening - did the room suddenly get hotter? Was there suddenly less oxygen? Why was his breathing getting faster all of a sudden? Was Minho going to make fun of him? It’s been so many years and yet he’s the same stupid, pathetic, worthless person he was back in high school. God, what if Chan saw him like this? He would hate Felix. He would think Felix was disgusting. Weak. Selfish. He didn’t want Chan to think he was bad - he wanted to be good for Chan. He wanted the other boy’s praise and approval. But how would he ever get that if he was so awful? Maybe he should jump and spare Chan and Minho hyung the burden of knowing him-

“Hey, baby can you hear me?” Someone took the mug from his shaking hands and placed it on the short table that sat in front of the couch.

“Chan?” His voice sounded tinny to his own ears.

“Mm, it’s me,” Chan was crouching in front of the younger boy, holding Felix’s hands and rubbing a comforting thumb along the back of his knuckles. “How are you feeling?”

“Light headed...”

“You were having an anxiety attack,” Chan continued to speak calmly. “I’m glad to see your breathing is back to normal. Is there anything you need?”

Felix shrugged, his body still trembling faintly. It had been months since his last anxiety attack, and somehow Minho pulled one out of him so easily. Minho watched Chan comforting the smaller boy with a complicated expression.

“Lix, I’m sorry,” He whispered from his place on the couch. He wanted to hold Felix the way he had all those years ago, but Chan swooped in and got Felix to calm his breathing within minutes. “I didn’t meant to-”

“It’s alright hyung,” Felix whispered, his voice raspy. “I’m just- just fucking stupid-”

“Don’t call yourself stupid,” Chan snapped gently, causing Felix to blink in shock. “You’re not stupid. You can’t say such mean things to yourself, okay?”

“That’s gonna be hard to promise...” He felt like he should call Chan ‘hyung’ now, seeing how he was two years older than he was.

But at the same time, they were both Australian, and that gave them a special connection that no one else had. He wanted to believe that there was something between him and Chan that was... important. Bigger than honorifics or customs, or their traumas, or the things that make them small in such a big world.

“If I ask Minho some questions, is it okay for him to answer?” Chan asked, giving Felix’s hands a gentle squeeze. Felix nodded, not trusting his own voice. “How do you know each other?”

“He was a year below me in high school,” Minho said easily. “We were on the same dance team, but we never really interacted much. It was my fault, honestly. I really didn’t reach out to other people first... uh, but yeah. I found him having a full out panic attack in the practice room one day. He had ripped his arms up with his nails, and he was freaking out. It took a while to calm him down, and when he did... he told me that he... that he wanted to d-die. I, um, found him a few more times after that, but he always seemed to try to suck it up the second he knew I was there.”

Felix thought it would be harder to hear, but all he felt was a dull ping of pain in his chest before it faded, leaving him a little numb. Chan, much to his credit, took the news fairly well too, his only reaction was to hold Felix’s hands a little tighter.

Minho and Hyunjin - up until the night before - had been the only two people in the world that knew Felix had been suicidal, and he genuinely believed he would never see Minho again. It felt almost... unreal, to be talking about this with the older boys, who were watching his reactions quietly.

“You don’t have to look at me like that,” He muttered, pulling his hands away from Chan and wrapping them around his knees, tucking his legs against his chest to make himself as small as possible. He felt safe when he was small. “I’m still here, aren’t I? It’s fine.”

“Lix-” Chan was cut off by a blaring ringtone. Felix jumped a foot in the air and scrambled to pull his phone from his pocket, only managing to answer the call moments before it would have timed out.

“LEE FELIX I’M GOING TO KILL YOU-” The call wasn’t even on speaker, yet everyone gathered in the living room could hear it clear as day.

“Ahaha, heeeeey Jinnie...” Felix said, guilt lacing his words. He pressed the speaker, because if he had to suffer through Hyunjin’s mother henning, so did Chan and Minho.

“DON’T YOU FUCKING HEY ME YOU LITTLE SHIT,” His roommate continued to yell, out of love, of course. “WHY DIDN’T YOU COME HOME LAST NIGHT?”

“Funny story-”

“ARE YOU CHEATING ON ME-”

“I’ll be back in like, twenty minutes,” Felix had to shout a little to be heard over Hyunjin’s dramatic ‘scorned by my once loving husband’ monologue. “I have a Monster for you if you want it.”

“Oh, love of my life, my other half, the stars in my sky, how could I ever stay mad at you?” Hyunjin instantly started to coo, causing Minho and Chan to both choke back their laughter.

“I’m leaving now.”

“Where are you-”

“Bye princess be home soon!” Felix said very quickly, hanging up before Hyunjin could get another word in. The living room was silent for a moment before Minho let out a small snicker.

“Glad to see he hasn’t changed either.” He grinned at Felix, who huffed a helpless laugh.

“Don’t know if that’s a good thing or not,” He rolled his eyes before looking back to Chan, who had made his way over to the younger boy. He stood in front of Felix, looking almost uncertain of what to say next. Felix’s smile softened, and he could see the tension in Chan’s face do the same. “Um, thanks... for last night. And this morning, I guess.”

“Mm, anytime,” Chan took Felix’s hand. “And I meant it, about going to the store. If you ever need a knight in shining armor...”

“You’ll be the first person I call.” Felix grinned fully, his eyes turning up.

“You should get back before your roommate sends the police after you,” Chan chuckled, seeming as though he were hypnotized by Felix’s smile. “I’ll, um, text you later?”

“I mean, if you want too,” Felix blushed, looking away. Where had all his confidence gone? It was like it had run away with the moon, leaving Felix awkward once more. “I’ll, uh, see you around then?”

“Mm, get home safe.”

“I will!” Felix promised, perking up a little. Chan chuckled and smoothed down Felix’s bangs before leaning in and placing a quick kiss to the corner of the smaller boy’s mouth.

Minho waved from his place on the couch, amusement written clearly on his face.

Before he could do anything else embarrassing, Felix slipped his shoes on and practically bolted from the apartment, vaulting himself down the stairs. He couldn’t help but look to see what their apartment number was - Floor 4, room D26 - as he ran away from the best night of his life.

He barely remembered the walk back to his dorm, his mind foggy and his body aching in the best way. If the bruises didn’t throb gently with each step, he would think it had all been a dream - that it had actually taken place in a separate plane of existence, separate from the real world entirely.

Swiping his ID, he slipped into the building. He was grateful that what he was wearing seemed to be the dress code this early in the morning - by dress code, he meant ratty sweatpants, and by early he meant about eleven - so no one really looked twice at him. A few people noticed the jarring purple decorating his skin, but none of them judged him.

In fact, one girl gave him an appreciative nod and a thumbs up as she got off the elevator that he was stepping onto. He had flushed and laughed awkwardly, but it wasn’t a bad kind of awkward.

When he saw his dorm door open, he already knew he was in trouble.

The second he walked in, he was tackled from the side and practically body slammed into his bed. He was grateful the can of Monster was in his opposite pocket, or else it would have gone directly into his hip, which would have hurt like a bitch.

“Welcome home cheater.” Hyunjin giggled as he nuzzled Felix’s cheek. As overprotective as Hyunjin could be, he truly loved his best friend. He could never stay mad at him for long, even if Felix had genuinely done something worth being mad about.

Like forcing himself to stay awake for three days straight just for fun, or going to a party specifically to find random drugs being passed around, or chain smoking a whole pack of cheap ass cigarettes because he was just so fucking numb and he wanted to feel something-

“I come bearing gifts.” he chuckled, shimmying enough to be able to grab the can from his pocket and hand it to the taller boy, who gasped like Felix had gotten down on one knee with a ring.

“You know me so well- Felix?” He took the can before freezing.

“Mm?” Felix hummed, tossing his hoodie off to the side. He needed to do his laundry soon, but he really didn’t feel like it just yet.

“What, and I mean this with all the love in my heart, the fuck did you do?”

“Huh?” Felix turned around just in time to see Hyunjin’s eyes widen even further. If he thought the bruises on Felix’s shoulders were bad, they were nothing compared to his chest and stomach. Felix blushed bright red when he realized what Hyunjin was referring to, which only made the bruises stand out that much more. “O-oh... these. Well... you see...”

Hyunjin silently closed the dorm door, hopped up on his bed so his back was against the wall with his feet dangling over the edge, and cracked his monster can open. With a stony expression, he took a long sip of the somewhat warm drink.

“Explain yourself.” He raised a single eyebrow, and Felix - for the first time in his entire friendship with Hyunjin - wished maybe he hadn’t interrogated the taller boy about his own hookups so much.

“Right... so...”

Where the fuck was he going to start with this?

Chapter Text

“So what you’re telling me is that you went out - again, after I told you how much it worries me when you leave in the middle of the night - met some random guy on the bridge, proceeded to smoke with him, then went back to his apartment to not-fuck?” Hyunjin looked at his friend with a single, unamused eyebrow raised.

“I mean, when you put it like that...” Felix muttered, pulling his blanket tighter around himself. At some point during his vague and rambling explanation, he crawled onto his own bed and wrapped his comforter around himself like a shield.

“Lix, I just really love you and I don’t know what I would do if anything happened to you,” he sighed, swirling the last few sips of Monster in his can. Felix’s ears warmed with shame and affection. “I get needing to clear your head and shit, but... what if you don’t come home? What if you accidentally fall into the river? Or purposefully jump...”

“I promise I’m not going to do that,” Felix swore softly. “I’m on my meds, and I have you to talk to if I need it. I’m better than I was in high school. I’m not... like that anymore.”

“Can you blame me for still being scared though?” Hyunjin finally looked at him. Felix held eye contact with him for a beat before looking down at his hands.

“No,” He all but whispered, guilt settling in his stomach like something spoiled. “I know I should tell you I just... I go out because I feel suffocated, and I need to breathe, but knowing that someone knows where I am just adds a layer to that. I know it sounds stupid, but the times I did tell you, I was so anxious that you’d come and drag me back that I couldn’t relax at all.”

“Lix... I’m sorry-”

“It’s not your fault,” He quickly cut his friend off. The last thing he wanted was for Hyunjin to think anything was because of him. The only thing that was because of Hyunjin was the fact that Felix had gone to talk to the school’s therapist to get his meds in the first place, and the fact that Felix was here - at college, and alive - at all. “My brain just... works weird.”

“I’m sorry for being so harsh,” Hyunjin’s shoulders slumped. “I just really worry about you. You’re my best friend - of course I’m going to freak out when you disappear.”

“I love you, Jinnie.” Felix grinned at the boy across the dorm from him.

“Love you too, dumbass.” Hyunjin returned the smile easily.

“LET ME IN I’M DYING!” A voice yelled as a knock on the door echoed through their small, shared room. Hyunjin jumped but Felix just rolled his eyes, hopping off his bed and opening the door for Jisung, who barreled in without a second thought.

“Lix did you happen to go home this past weekend?” Jisung asked, latching onto his friend’s side.

“You don’t care about us,” Hyunjin lamented dramatically. “You just want to know if Lix baked anything.”

“You know me too well,” Jisung gave the taller boy a lazy grin before wrapping his arms fully around Felix’s slim waist and resting his head on his shoulder. “Please tell me you have something tasty for Sungie to eat~”

“It’s not even noon and you’re already high?” Felix giggled, turning and hugging his friend back. “I thought you were out.”

“Mm, new shipment last night,” Jisung nuzzled into the hug, sighing happily at the sudden warmth of Felix’s arms. Although he was the resident stoner and was far more used to being high than either Felix or Hyunjin, he always ended up being clingy and hungry regardless of how many times he’d greened out in the past. “You smell weird.”

“He had a mysterious rendezvous,” Hyunjin grinned, more than ready to sell Felix out, much to the slimmer boy’s disgust. “Look at his chest.”

“What?” Jisung pulled away and tugged Felix’s shirt up only to gasp. His dramatic shocked face gave way to the most shit-eating grin Felix had seen on his friend’s face in a long time and there was nothing he could do to get away from Jisung before he started poking the purple splotches along his stomach.

“Jisung-”

“And here I was, thinking I knew everything there was to know about your sexual fantasies,” He pouted. He and Felix had messed around quite a bit - mainly while they were both high - in a strictly platonic manner. It had actually done a lot for Felix’s self confidence, to have someone he could make out with or sleep with, and not have to worry about losing a friend or having to put effort into a romantic relationship. “I feel lied to... cheated... I want a divorce.”

“Sorry, Hyunjin’s already divorcing me,” Felix shook his head and tugged his shirt back down over his bruised chest. “I can pencil in our annulment sometime next week if that works for you?”

“Hm, I’m free Friday, but after that I’m pretty booked up.”

“You two are hopeless,” Hyunjin rolled his eyes as he hopped off the bed. “I’m guessing you’re going to get Lix high and make him unable to function for the rest of the day?”

“I mean, if he wants too...” Jisung pursed his lips and tapped his fingers together, looking at Hyunjin through his eyelashes. Hyunjin, always the good sport that he was, just rolled his eyes even harder and grabbed his wallet.

“I’ll get your normal orders,” He sighed, slipping on his shoes. “Just save some for me for when I get back, asshole.”

“Of course!” Jisung purposely didn’t remember the last time, where he and Felix smoked everything he brought and Hyunjin almost beat them up.

Hyunjin glared at him for a moment before slipping from the dorm, leaving Jisung and Felix grinning at one another.

“Soooooo,” Jisung trailed off, giving Felix his signature dopey grin. He pulled a small, dented altoids tin from his pocket and opened it, showing four pre-rolled joints. “Tell me about this absolute animal you fucked last night.”

“First of all, we didn’t fuck.” Felix clarified as they went about their pre-smoking dorm rituals - clearing Felix’s desk, which was directly under the window, turning the box fan on to blow out of said window, turning on the smaller fan that was clipped to the curtain rod to keep the smoke from rising at all.

Even if their RA wasn’t chill as fuck - Changkyun was an absolute doll and wouldn’t snitch as long as you slipped him a joint here and there - they wouldn’t have to worry about getting caught. Jisung, having been a stoner since he was fifteen, knew all the tricks to keep anyone from knowing.

“Yeah, yeah, technicalities,” Jisung waved him off and flicked his lighter a few times before the flame finally stayed. “Whoever it was seems like a good time at least.”

“Mm, he was... wow Sung. He was so great,” Felix’s smile softened as he looked out the window. They were sitting on top of his desk now, legs crossed under them. Jisung raised an eyebrow at the sudden love-struck look on the other boy’s face but didn’t comment on it. “I just... he just showed up when I was on the bridge, but talking to him... didn’t hurt.”

“Oh wow...” Jisung knew how hard it was for Felix to open up to others when he was in one of his moods.

“Mm, we talked about our shitty exes, and how we’re both... broken.”

“You’re not broken, Lix.” Jisung frowned, passing the joint and lighter over. Felix took it with a nod and easily relit it, inhaling and holding it in for a moment before smoothly blowing it out the window.

“We both know that’s not true,” he handed it back, his hand instinctively covering the long-healed marks of his thigh. “But... I dunno. Talking to someone who’s gone through the same shit I did. I love you and Jinnie, but you...”

“We don’t know exactly how you feel,” Jisung nodded. He had been wildly depressed, as most kids in high school were, but he used it as fuel for his art - poems, song lyrics, paintings, sculptures made from found objects. “I get that. It’s easy to be sympathetic, harder to be empathetic.”

“Exactly,” Felix pillowed his head in his arms, crossing them over his knees. The way his back hunched made the bruises on his stomach throb, but it wasn’t a bad ache. “But he- he went through the same thing. He told me about... how he tried to OD, and how no one knew but his roommate, and now me.”

He only really counted Hyunjin and Minho among those who knew about him, because they were the only two to have witnessed one of his breakdowns. Jisung had a fairly decent idea of what he was like in high school, but they had only met two semesters prior, after Felix had started to get his shit together a little more. Jisung never knew actively suicidal Felix.

“Sounds like you really bonded.”

“Mm, we went to the convenience store, and he pretended to be my boyfriend to get that greasy cashier to back off,” Felix recalled the warmth he felt when Chan wrapped his arm around his waist for the first time. “He even paid for everything after I said it was on me. We went back to the river and sat on the bench on the apartment side and we just... talked, and smoked. It was really fucking nice...”

“Then why don’t you sound happier?” Jisung was a little too keen for his own good, even when toasted.

“I am happy,” It sounded hollow, even to Felix. “I just... it didn’t feel real, you know? I... I felt free, but now I’m back in the real world where everything sucks...”

“Did you at least give this guy your number?” Jisung asked, passing the joint back again - it was almost done already, the two boys being a little too adept at being time efficient with their smoking.

“I did... I was going to sneak out before he got out of the shower but then his roommate stopped me, and the doorknob hit my side real hard... and then I had an anxiety attack and he had to talk me through it...”

“Shit Lix, are you alright?” Jisung’s brow furrowed instantly.

“Y-yeah, I’m good,” he chuckled awkwardly. He took a moment to savor the burn in his throat before exhaling again. “I just... I don’t really know if I should let myself wait for a text, or just move on and forget it ever happened.”

“Do you want to forget?”

“No,” the answer was instantaneous. “But... but I think it’ll hurt more to latch onto last night if it’s... if I never see him again.”

“Shit Lix, it sounds like you really fell for this guy already,” Jisung’s words were slowing, but that might have just been Felix’s brain lagging. The weed hit all at once, and he had a feeling just having half a cup of coffee in his system didn’t help that. “If he hurts you... I’l fuckin’... beat him up for you.”

“I love you Sung, but you’re a shrimp compared to him,” Felix giggled. “He was so pretty Sungie... and his arms, fuck- he could pick me up so easily. I felt so small and safe... I- I wish he-”

Oh fuck, why was he crying?

“Hey, it’s alright,” Jisung smothered the last of the embers and tossed the last bit out of the small opening of the window, knowing it would land and stay hidden in the bushes below. “It’s gonna be okay Lix. If he was really that great, then he’s definitely going to text you, and if he doesn’t? Then... then he wasn’t good enough for you to begin with.”

“I-I- I told him I d-didn’t want to fuck all the way and he didn’t get mad at me,” Why wouldn’t the tears stop? Why were they burning tracks down his cheeks like this? “And- and when I said... when I said as long as he didn’t hit me, it was okay, he started crying. He started crying because someone else hurt me. Wh-what does that even mean?”

“It means he isn’t a heartless asshole, and that he cares about you,” Jisung hated to see any of his friends upset, but there was something about seeing Felix crying in particular that really made his chest hurt. Felix was always so bright and happy, so seeing him crumbling under poorly restrained sobs broke Jisung’s heart. “Hypothetically, if he doesn’t text him, do you have a way to track him down again?”

Felix thought about Minho - it would be easy, now that he knew the older boy was in the dance program with him. Especially now that he knew Minho only used practice room F, which everyone else avoided like the plague. He could definitely get a hold of Minho in order to get to Chan, if he needed to.

“Mm, I know his roommate, kind of,” He muttered, his eyes feeling hot and puffy, both from the crying, and from the drugs now swimming through his head. “I don’t see why I’d want to-”

“Oh, it’s not for you babe,” Jisung laughed easily, lighting the second joint without hesitation. He handed it to Felix to start, playing mindlessly with the lighter. “It’s for me, so I can beat the shit out of this guy for hurting you.”

“Ppft, I know it’s hard to believe, but you didn’t magically gain fifty pounds of muscle in the last ten minutes,” Felix snickered, his head spinning nicely as he did so. “He would still flatten you in a second.”

“Mm, but I fight dirty.” Jisung grinned wide, making Felix dissolve into another giggling fit.

“You’re so cute, Sung.” Felix cooed, handing the joint back again.

“I know,” Jisung preened a little, playfully winking at his friend. “So, tell me more about this guy. What does he look like? What’s his zodiac sign? Who was his favorite fairy in the Winx Club?”

“Don’t know the answers to the last two yet,” Felix just giggled some more. He always laughed easily, but as soon as it was him, and Jisung, and him and Jisung were high? It was over for him being serious. “But... fuck he was so hot. He was like... my height-ish, maybe a little taller, with the cutest dimples ever... he would grin at me every time I moaned and all I could see were those stupid dimples and his stupid perfect smile and his stupid sparkly eyes.”

“Mm, sounds hot.” Jisung nodded in agreement.

“And- and his hair was all curly, and he let me pull it,” Felix recalled fondly, warmth growing in his stomach as he thought about the night before. “He made me cum twice before he even tooks his pants off.”

“Marry that boy right the fuck now,” Jisung looked at Felix so seriously that after a moment of silence they both burst into rib-aching laughter. Felix found he couldn’t calm down for at least a full minute, and once he did his face was tacky with tears again - this time happy ones, at least. “But seriously. He sounds... almost too good to be true.”

“I know,” Felix sombered some. “That’s what I keep thinking... like, there’s no way someone like him would settle for me...”

“Hey, don’t put yourself down like that,” Jisung instantly slapped Felix’s thigh. “Stop being mean to my best friend.”

“Thanks Sung.” Felix smiled at his friend, his chest warming.

“How much longer do you think it’ll take Jinnie to get back?”

“Oh shit!” Felix instantly perked up. “He went to get us food!”

“PPFT how high are you?” Jisung cackled again, almost falling off the desk. Felix’s grin curled and Jisung instantly knew what was coming.

“OwO mister owficer, it’s hewwo, how are you UwU,” Felix pouted and batted his eyelashes. “Are you gonna use those big bad handcuffs on widdle old me?”

“STOP IT-” Jisung was laughing so hard he was coughing. He handed Felix the last of the second joint and hopped off the desk. Crawling onto Hyunjin’s bed, he laid on his back and stared at the ceiling.

“You love me.” Felix finished the joint and threw it out the window with the first. Without a second thought, he climbed up next to Jisung and flopped right on top of the other boy. Jisung let out a pretend huff, as if Felix was too heavy - they both knew he was underweight, but that was something they didn’t bring up.

Felix’s skin buzzed in that way that made him wonder why he ever stayed sober in the first place. Jisung’s hand running through his hair was so nice, and he was so comfortable - it felt like he was laying on a heated cloud, rather than his friend.

“Actually, you know what?” Jisung said, his breath tickling Felix’s throat, earning a hum from the other boy. “Fuck that guy. He literally covered you in bruises.”

“Mm, I asked him to.”

“Oh I don’t doubt that,” Jisung’s words vibrated through Felix’s chest, and it made him think of the night before, when Chan’s laughter did the same thing. He had felt the same way then too, except he hadn’t been high at the time. “What I’m pissed about is there’s no room left for me. I wanna bite you too.”

“As soon as they start to fade, you’ll be the first person I call,” Felix giggled. He knew his friend liked to bite - usually just for the sake of biting rather than anything sexual - but not nearly as much as Chan seemed to. “Can’t let my poor Sungie feel neglected.”

“Hm, that’s fuckin’ right...”

Felix had no idea how long they laid there, but he didn’t really care. It was Sunday, and his classes didn’t start until noon on Mondays. Jisung was so warm and when his arms wrapped around his waist, Felix felt safe and warm.

He must have dozed off, because the next thing he knew, the dorm door was being thrown open and the room was instantly filled with the scent of fresh take out.

“Jinnie,” Jisung grinned lazily from the bed, Felix’s nose still tucked in his neck. “I’ve never been happier to see you in my whole fuckin’ life.”

“Jesus Christ, did you green out already?” Hyunjin put the bags down on the cleared desk top, pushing the window open just a fraction more.

“Not even close,” Jisung chuckled, the movement waking Felix from his half-sleep. “Lix, on the other hand, is lowkey gone.”

“Dumb bitch probably didn’t eat anything.” Hyunjin huffed fondly as he started to unpack their lunches.

“The goods are in the tin, princess,” Jisung sat up, only struggling a little to push Felix up with him. Felix only whined and tried to snuggle in closer to Jisung again. His warm cloud was leaving him and he didn’t like it! “Help yourself. We only used two.”

“Don’t go through everything you got in one day,” Hyunjin teased, crawling on top of the desk and lighting the joint. The three had smoked together enough that they all knew the routine like the back of their hands. “Though we should give the last one to Changkyun hyung so he knows we’re still his favorites.”

“Mm, good idea,” Jisung finally managed to slide off the bed, ignoring the pitiful ‘Jisuuuunggg’ that followed him. Jisung didn’t even live on that floor, but Changkyun basically adopted him as another child. “Might roll him a whole set to bribe him to get his buddy to give me a stick and poke.”

“Sung, those never turn out good,” Felix scowled a little, remembering his friend’s first homemade tattoo - it was supposed to be a star, but the arms managed to get so twisted in the process that it looked more like a sea anemone. “Just go to the parlor in town. They give student discounts.”

“But where's the adventure in that?” Jisung cut off any answer by shoving a piece of chicken into Felix’s mouth, forcing him to chew instead of talk.

“This might be the best thing I’ve ever put in my mouth.” Jisung let out a downright sexual moan around his own bite of chicken, his glazed eyes falling shut in ecstasy.

“I dunno, I think Felix is a little sweeter than takeout.” Hyunjin teased, causing Felix to blush hot. Jisung started laughing again, and if he hadn’t already been sitting on the floor with his back against the drawers under Hyunjin’s bed, he would have fallen over completely.

“Wh-what’s that supposed to mean!?” Felix screeched, trying to cover his face with his hands and managing to smear sauce onto his cheek from his chopsticks.

“It means you’re a whole ass snack.” Jisung leaned in and licked the sauce from his friend’s cheek without a second thought.

“And that between the two of you, you’re more fun to blow.” Hyunjin winked, taking a drag of the joint.

Felix somehow flushed even brighter. While he and Jisung were fairly consistent fuck-buddies whenever weed was involved, there was only two or three times that Hyunjin joined in. Felix remembered feeling a little weird about it at first - Hyunjin was his first friend when he moved to Korea, and the only person to continue to stay so close over the years - but as soon as Hyunjin started to suck him off, any of that awkwardness vanished.

“I bet after last night he won’t be able to settle for either of us,” Jisung gave Hyunjin a Cheshire’s grin as he watched Felix pout into his lunch. “From what he was telling me, this boy of his took really good care of him.”

Felix just huffed and laid down on the ground, letting the world spin behind closed eyelids. He felt something poking his lip, and when he opened his mouth he found Jisung was feeding him his lunch like the loving, caring friend he was.

He was so close to falling asleep right on the cheap Walmart rug they put between the beds when he felt his pocket vibrate.

It took a moment to comprehend what was vibrating, and when he did Felix struggled to sit up and pull it out. An unknown number stared back at him, with a fairly long message - well, long enough that it didn’t all fit in the preview. He squinted his eyes to focus better, and when he recognized the phrases ‘last night’ and ‘how cute in the morning’ he felt far more awake.

From: Unknown

Hey Lix! It’s me :D Sorry I took so long to actually text you... Min interrogated me the second you left. He needed to make sure I wasn’t going to whisk away your virtue. Last night was more fun than I’ve had in a long time, and if I had known how cute you were in the morning, I would have waited until after you woke up to shower ;) maybe next time we can actually wake up together, or just shower together if you want :3

Felix snorted at the message. Chan was so fucking cute - who used keyboard emojis anymore? But somehow, when Chan did it, it was adorable. He could almost picture Chan making those exact faces as he typed.

I had a lot of fun too! It’s been forever since I had someone with him on the bridge. It was oddly nice. Normally it’s kind of suffocating, but not with you
As for what hyung said, I give you full permission to whisk away any virtue I have left 😜 Maybe next time I could... wake you up in a special way?

Felix giggled to himself. He wondered if Chan would blush at his flirting. He really hoped he would, because flustered Chan was so fucking precious. After hitting send, he quickly added the contact to his phone. Moments later, a response came through.

From: Channie 💟🌟😉 I see how it is :3 Be careful kitten, you know I like to bite ;)

Felix choked on air as he read the text. Chan was so confident all the time - how could he make Felix so flustered with just a few words? Before he could respond, he felt his phone being plucked from his fingers.

“Oh? ‘Min interrogated me the second you left. He needed to make sure I wasn’t going to whisk away your virtue’,” Hyunjin wiggled his eyebrows lecherously, making both Jisung and Felix screech - Jisung in amusement, Felix in embarrassment. He dodged Felix trying to grab his phone back and kept reading. “Damn Lixie, getting spicy so early?”

“What did he say?” Jisung asked, eyes wide.

“Oh my... ‘maybe next time we can actually wake up together, or just shower together if you WANT’- FELIX!’

“What?” He reached for his phone again, only to be shoved away.

“And I quote- ‘I give you full permission to whisk away any virtue I have left’,” He continued to read, Felix’s indignant whines only getting louder as he gave up trying to get his phone back. He trusted Hyunjin not to go too far with his teasing, but it was still embarrassing! “And then our precious baby Felix offering... gasp! To wake his mystery boy in a ‘special way’!”

“Did you just say ‘gasp’ out loud?” Felix narrowed his eyes at Hyunjin.

“Special way?” Jisung said at the exact same time, his grin wide and absolutely shit-eating. “Oh hohoho! Am I hearing... morning blowjobs? Is that what you’re implying, my dearest, most wonderful husband?”

“Who’s your husband?” Felix trapped Jisung in a headlock, only for Jisung to deadweight and use Felix’s lap as a pillow instead of taking his punishment like a real man. “Can I please have my phone back?”

“Hey Jisung, did you know Felix here liked being called kitten?” Hyunjin’s expression was more than a little smug as Jisung gasped from his place in Felix’s arms.

“Lix... all this time, and you never told me?” He did a pretty good job looking like he was about to cry from the betrayal, but Felix had known Jisung long enough to know it was literally only because of the weed that was making his eyes water like that.

“I’ll be gracious and return this to you, so you don’t have to leave your new boy-toy hanging,” Hyunjin tossed Felix his phone, who almost dropped it square on Jisung’s nose. He scowled and typed out a quick response before locking it and hiding it in his pocket again. “Wait, I want to be included too...”

Hyunjin crawled from off the desk and shoved their mostly finished lunches aside before crawling onto the pile of boys that was growing in the center of the dorm. Felix let out a light ‘oof’ as the new weight was added, but he didn’t actually mind. His friends were so warm and so soft and being high always made him crave cuddles.

They fell asleep like that, piled on top of one another as the smell of weed and takeout was pushed out the window. Normally Felix would be a little pissed at himself for falling asleep so quickly - he only got high maybe once or twice a month, despite how much Jisung smoked, and he liked to enjoy the bubbly feeling for as long as he could - but after his exhausting night, emotionally draining morning, and the very delicious meal they just ate, he was more than content to curl into Jisung and Hyunjin’s warmth, sighing happily as he passed out.

He would respond to the buzzing messages later, when his brain wasn’t nearly as fuzzy.

He wondered faintly, just as he was falling asleep fully, how Chan’s touch would make him feel when he was high, if it already sent sparks through his blood when he was sober.

Chapter Text

Felix walked into class already feeling a little overheated. He had been fine wearing another crop top out on campus, but Hyunjin had thrown a mini fit.

‘I’m not going to let my best friend walk around with hickies like that!’ he had said after throwing a sweatshirt at Felix. ‘Someone’s going to call the police for domestic abuse!’

Of course, Felix went along with it. As much as he didn’t actually care what people thought about him, he didn’t exactly like going out of his way to attract attention.

Plus, Hyunjin had thrown the extra large striped hoodie he had gotten on sale at the mall that Felix just happened to adore but was never allowed to wear, because Felix was a notorious clothing thief. This just gave him an excuse to try to sneak it into his own closet afterwards and hope Hyunjin won’t notice.

“Hey.” The kid that normally sat next to Felix said, making him jump. He glanced over, eyes wide in shock and confusion.

It was about six weeks into a fifteen week semester, and this kid had never said a single word to Felix. Actually, he barely said anything in class ever, even when the professor was asking for volunteers to read or answer a question.

“Um... hey.” He responded, not wanting to seem rude. The boy blinked at him before letting out a small huff of a laugh and an even smaller smirk.

“Were you able to open that PDF we were supposed to read for today?” He asked quietly, as if he were afraid the other students would overhear and know he wasn’t prepared for the lecture.

Felix just blinked at him for a second before his mouth dropped open in horrified realization.

“We had readings?” He hissed, eyebrows turning up in a plea for the boy to say sike. For a moment, there was silence - then it was broken by the boy throwing his head back and laughing outright.

“Mm,” He shook his head and grinned at Felix, who groaned and let his head fall onto the desk with a dull thud. “Though if we both say we had issues accessing the document, maybe she’ll think everyone did, and we can get out of it.”

“You think that could work?” Felix turned his head just enough to look at the other boy, who was nodded confidently.

“She loves me,” He whispered, as if he were sharing top secret information. “Plus, I don’t think anyone will try to ‘um actually’ the professor.”

“You’re so smart,” Felix praised the boy, who’s ears flushed red slightly. “Please, save this simple one from the embarrassment of not knowing what the fuck is going on.”

“I’m Seungmin.” He said just as the professor bustled into the room. Felix adored her, even if she was a little strict at times. She started chatting with carious students as she set up the computer, pulling the powerpoint for their lecture up and eating some crackers at the same time - she had class on the other side of campus directly before theirs, so she tended to eat her lunch at the beginning of lecture while everyone was still coming in.

“Felix,” He whispered back, pulling out his notebook. “Oh, you like anime?”

He had noticed Seungmin’s pencil case, which had the chibi faces of one of the more popular shows that was trending at the time. Felix, who normally was very on top of things happening in the anime world, had been falling drastically behind.

“My friend more so than me,” Seungmin played with the tassel tied to the case’s zipper pull. “He got me this for my birthday. Then he proceeded to force me to binge the first thirty something episodes in a single session.”

“Sounds like my kind of guy,” Felix chuckled, remembering the multiple times he bribed Jisung with baked goods to get him to watch a new show together. “We have to spread the good word somehow.”

“Hey, what are you doing after class?” Seungmin asked, watching the professor - he was waiting for his chance to possibly lie about their homework.

“Nothing,” Felix also watched for an opening, pretending to write the notes on the first slide. “Normally I get lunch with my roommate but this semester his class starts right after this one ends, so Mondays and Wednesdays I’m usually free..”

“Perfect, you wanna get lunch with me and my anime friend?”

“Yes!” Felix grinned, his entire face lighting up. Seungmin looked at him for a moment, his eyebrows raising in amusement at how excited his new friend was before whipping his head back towards the front again.

He had seen his opening.

“Professor?” he called, raising his hand nice and tall. She looked over at him and gestured with a cracker to ask his question. “I had issues opening the document for our reading. I don’t know if anyone else had that problem, but I wasn’t able to access it at all.”

“Really?” She frowned. “Anyone else have this problem?”

Felix made a point to nod, and he noticed several other students nodding along as well - maybe it was less of a lie than Felix thought it was going to be.

“Shit... in that case, I’ll just give you a run down before we get into lecture.” She sighed and put her lunch away before pulling her version of the document up on the big screen. Felix glanced over at Seungmin and gave the other boy a subtle thumbs up. Seungmin winked in return before turning to pay attention to the professor once again.

“I love that class, but it seemed to drag on forever today...” Felix complained as he and Seungmin made their way to the cafe just off the student center. Seungmin hummed in agreement, his backpack slung over just one shoulder.

“It was a really dry lecture,” Seungmin puffed his cheeks up for a moment before slowly letting the air out, his expression telling Felix it was just something the other boy did without really thinking about it. Felix thought it was cute. “I just hope we get to something more fun soon or I might actually fall asleep in the middle of class.”

“I’d offer to give you my notes if you did, but we both know you’d be better off just taking a nap,” Felix chuckled. Seungmin had noticed the abysmal notes the other boy took with an incredulous, almost disgusted expression - which made sense after Felix looked at Seungmin’s notes, which were flawless. “Oh thank fuck. If there was a line I think I’d off myself.”

Seungmin just snickered as they got in line. Felix wasn’t all that hungry, seeing how his stomach didn’t start to work until he ate something first, and he had yet to do that. Hyunjin joked that he needed breakfast or something to kick start his metabolism, and after that he would grow hungry at normal times, but if he just... didn’t eat, Felix could go almost an entire day without even noticing.

It was days like that where the thought of eating made him a little sick to his stomach.

He ordered his iced coffee and a Danish, while Seungmin got an iced tea and an overpriced panini from the case. By how confidently he handed it over to the cashier to have it warmed, Felix assumed Seungmin often ordered the exact same meal.

Before their orders were even ready, someone was calling over to them. They went over to the table by the window, where the new boy was already putting his stuff down. Felix followed suit, putting his things diagonal of Seugnmin’s friend, so Seungmin could sit across from him and Felix next to his classmate.

“You’re in hyung’s class?” The boy asked as they went back up to the counter.

“Mm, we’ve sat next to each other all semester but just started talking today.” Felix chuckled as he thanked the worker who handed him his order.

“That checks out,” The boy chuckled. “Hyung’s super smart but is shit at making new friends, which is why I have to make them for us both.”

“Hey, I can make friends just fine, thank you.” Seungmin pouted, causing the boy to grin even wider.

“I’m Jeongin, by the way,” The boy - Jeongin - slipped his wallet back into his pocket as the three made their way back over to the table. “Hyung and I became friends last semester. We shared an intro biology course because he was too scared to dissect the frogs the first time and had to retake it.”

“I wasn’t too afraid,” Seungmin scowled. “And they weren’t just frogs. Sue me for not wanting to cut open a dead pig.”

“I remember doing the fetal pig,” Felix laughed, remembering how ridiculous Jisung had been with it. They had taken it the semester before, making sure to sign up for the same lab so at least they could be partners as they completed their stupid pre-rec class. Jisung, ever the jokester, used the pig like a ventriloquist dummy, but because they were doing the lab itself perfectly, their teacher couldn’t get mad at them. “It was a lot less freaky once we actually got into it, but that first day sucked.”

“See, he could do it just fine.” Jeongin turned back to Seungmin and gave the older boy a pointed look. Said boy was in the middle of taking a bite of his sandwich and ended up scowling around the panini silently.

“I’m Felix,” He realized he hadn’t actually given his name yet. “Seungmin said you got him his pencil case?”

“Yes!” Jeongin instantly perked up, his eyes shining at the prospect of being able to talk anime with someone who wasn’t Seungmin. “Have you caught up with that one?”

“I’m so behind,” Felix lamented into his Danish, pretending to sniffle sadly. “This semester’s been kicking my ass. The last show I binged was some random one on Netflix. I think it was based on a webtoon or something, so it didn’t even have a manga series behind it, which sucked because I like to get the first volume or two for a series that I really like.”

“It’s getting surprisingly hard to keep up with so many series,” Jeongin sighed. “And it doesn’t help that they’re cracking down on the illegal manga sites.”

“Oh I know, I used the same manga app all through high school but one day I went in and it was just... gone. Everything was wiped - not a single scan of a single page left. It was like the scene of a lost battle.”

“I’ve been going on some real sketchy sites to keep up with mine, and hyung’s convinced I’m going to get a virus that’s going to sell me into human trafficking somehow.” He laughed, kicking Seungmin’s shin gently under the table.

“Laugh all you want but when you get snatched by a drone because you needed to read the most recent update of your generic RPG manga, don’t come crying to me.” Seungmin took a sip of his iced tea and pointedly looked out the window. Jeongin and Felix exchanged a silent look before both burst into bright laughter.

Felix honestly lost track of time completely. Talking with Seungmin and Jeongin felt so natural - they had so many common interests that as soon as one conversation started to dwindle, another quickly replaced it. At one point, Felix thought he was going to throw up his coffee because Jeongin had made him laugh so hard.

Thankfully no one’s lunch made a surprise second appearance, but by the time he managed to catch his breath, his ribs burned.

“You know how I feel about them Innie.” Seungmin frowned.

“I know, but it’s part of the college experience, isn’t it?” Jeongin said back.

“I mean, I guess, but rushing for a frat seems a bit... much.”

“I don’t even know if I’m going to actually go through with it,” Jeongin threw a balled up straw wrapper at his friend. “I was just thinking about it, because they stopped me at their table the other day. It doesn’t seem all that bad.”

“Frats scare me,” Felix gave an exaggerated shudder. “How so many straight guys can act so gay without actually being gay, I’ll never know.”

“You’ve been to a frat party?” Seungmin raised an eyebrow. “You don’t seem like the type.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Felix teased.

“It means you’re too pretty.” Jeongin grinned when he saw Felix’s ears flush.

“I’ve been to a few, thank you very much,” He sniffled, squishing the last of the crumbs on his plate with the pad of his finger before sprinkling them back again. “Did molly for the first time on some stained couch in a frat basement. The one on the stretch behind the campus, I think? They all look the same after a while.”

“You’ve done molly?” Seungmin choked on his second iced tea of the afternoon, causing Felix to snicker.

“Mm, you’d be surprised at the things I’ve gotten myself into,” He grinned brightly, knowing fully well how innocent said smile made him look. “Frat parties are the best places to experiment.”

“Have you done other drugs?” Jeongin asked, eyes sparkling in awe.

“Uh, I did molly twice, coke once, and one time my weed was laced with something... that was a fucking awful time and a half,” He felt his face twisting at the memory. He and Jisung had both been fucked over, spending almost two full days feeling the effects of whatever the person who had smoked them up laced the shit with. “I usually stick to weed though. It’s more fun to be floaty and giggly than artificially manic.”

“Wow...” Jeongin really did look like he had just found his new role model, and Seungmin didn’t know how he felt about it.

“Who would have guessed that Lix was such a rebel,” He teased, his eyebrows shooting up to his hairline as Felix slipped his sweatshirt off. “Um, who beat the shit out of you?”

“Huh? Why would someone-” Felix asked before glancing down at himself. Jeongin and Seungmin were able to witness Felix’s entire body flush in real time, the rest starting at his ears and quickly rushing over his cheeks and nose until he was bright, steaming red. “U-uh, I forgot about that...”

“How could you forget?” Seungmin asked, voice incredulous. “You look like you’ve been mauled by a dog!”

“I mean, you’re not all that far off,” Felix muttered, embarrassed as he covered the more vibrant marks on his neck. He was wearing a shirt sleeved shirt under the hoodie, so the only real skin that was exposed was his throat and arms, but Seungmin had seen his stomach when his shirt rode up. “I, um, met a boy the other night?”

“A boy or a werewolf?” Jeongin snickered, his own cheeks faintly pink.

“Boy, as far as I know,” Felix giggled at his new friends’ scandalized looks. He was used to it from Hyunjin, who was only ever appalled when he was joking. “Ironically, he was really, really sweet. Almost concerningly sweet, actually.”

“I’ve always said your instincts know best,” Seungmin didn’t make any more comments about the violet splotches along his friend’s pale skin. “If something feels wrong, it feels wrong for a reason. Same thing with if it feels right - if something feels right, you should trust your instincts.”

“It did feel right...” Felix found himself smiling down at his hands, his face just a little too soft and dopey for his liking. He had met Chan all of once - sure, they had been texting almost nonstop since the afternoon before, but that was different from seeing one another in person again - but... the older boy felt right.

And that scared him a little.

“Here, give me your number real quick,” Seungmin broke Felix from his thoughts. “I’ll add you to a chat with me and Innie.”

“Sounds good,” Felix took Seungmin’s phone and added his contact information, feeling kinda proud of himself. He gave his number to not one, not two, but three people in only two days! Maybe even four, if Chan passed his info over to Minho. Long gone were the days where he was too scared to even wave to someone, let alone befriend them! “I should probably head back anyway. Jinnie gets pouty if I leave him alone for too long.”

“Next time we’re all free, we should get together again,” Jeongin suggested as they made their way from the café. “Hyung said you didn’t have classes at this time but when you get the chance, invite your friend too.”

“Now it just sounds like you’re trying to replace me,” Seungmin grumbled a little, earning a playful shove from the younger boy. “Get back to your dorm safe.”

“Mm, you too!” Felix grinned and waved. Seungmin and Jeongin headed towards the library, but as Felix started to walk towards his dorm, he felt his pocket vibrate.

Wanna come over to my studio? I have to do some recording but I’d really appreciate the company~

Felix grinned. He sent a quick ‘I’m already on my way’ text and turned on his heel, going towards the music building. He had only been there a handful of times, mainly going with Jisung to grab something his friend had forgotten, but he vaguely knew his way around. Chan responded immediately with a bunch of smiley faces and the number for the studio he was working in.

“Hello?” He pushed the door open gently, not wanting to disturb Chan if the older boy was actually doing something. Thankfully, Chan was seated at the small desk just outside of the even smaller recording booth,

“Lix!” Chan’s entire face lit up. He quickly took his headphones off and rushed over to the smaller boy, picking him up easily in a tight hug. “How were classes?”

“G-good,” Felix’s face warmed. “I finally talked to the kid who’s been sitting next to me all semester, and we got lunch. He introduced me to his other friend, and we talked about anime for a few hours.”

“Ah, the power of anime,” Chan said wistfully as he pulled Felix over to the desk. “I’m sorry in advance if this gets boring. I just... normally I work by myself for hours but something was telling me to text you.”

“The universe really is rooting for us, huh?” Felix giggled a little, but his laughter tapered off at the look of awe on Chan’s face. Before he could say anything, Chan was moving forward and kissing Felix gently, cupping the smaller boy’s cheek as he instantly deepened it.

Felix sighed happily into the kiss. It had only been two days since he had seen Chan last, but he had genuinely started to think maybe he imagined most of that night. Clearly the bruises where enough proof that something happened, but he was worried he had imagined how gentle Chan was with him, or how electric the older boy’s lips were against his own.

He was more than pleased to find out he hadn’t imagined either of those things. Chan placed one hand on Felix’s slim waist as the other laced through his hair, pulling him even closer. He bit at Felix’s lip, smirking against the whimper that came from it.

“Fuck Lix,” Chan breathed as he pulled away. “You’re so fucking pretty.”

“Mm, so are you,” Felix felt a little light headed. “I thought you were a dream.”

“I still think you’re a dream, sometimes,” Chan peppered feather light kisses along the younger boy’s nose, and cheeks, and the corner of his mouth. “Did you have coffee with your lunch?”

“Huh? How did you know?” He blinked, looking at the older boy in shock. Chan just grinned, his whole face lighting up as he stole one last peck.

“You taste like coffee,” He admitted, making Felix’s ears burn. “Sweet coffee. Caramel?”

“H-how-” Felix thought he was going to wheeze.

“You’re so cute,” Chan’s eyes sparkled, and Felix wondered if he was worthy to be on the receiving end of such a genuine look. “Here, want to help me out?”

“Um, sure. What can I do?”

“Sit here,” Chan pulled the desk chair out for him. Felix sat, taking the headphones that were offered to him. “When I go into the booth, you’ll be able to hear me through these. Whenever I give you a thumbs up, I need you to start the recording, and when I hold up a fist, you stop it, okay?”

“What do you normally do if you’re alone?”

“I just... do all my recording bits in the same audio file and go back later to piece it together properly,” Chan rubbed the back of his head awkwardly. “It takes ages, but I’m normally doing it at like, three in the morning, so I don't have anyone to help me out.”

“Is that why you were awake so late the other night?”

“Ironically, no,” Chan chuckled. “I just couldn’t sleep. That’s the reason why I record so late - my insomnia’s a bitch and a half, and because my professors love me, I have special permission to use the studios whenever I want. It’s a win-win for me.”

“More productive than what most people do.” Felix chuckled, enjoying how Chan was leaning over his shoulder to mess with the computer, his warmth soaking into Felix’s back.

“Alright, you ready?” Chan stood up and grabbed his phone. Felix nodded, and got a blinding smile in return before the older boy made his way into the recording booth. The second the door closed, Felix couldn’t hear anything even though it was clear Chan was shuffling around and muttering to himself. When Chan tapped his own ear, Felix realized he hadn’t put the headphones on yet. “Can you hear me?”

Chan’s voice came through the headphones, sounding as though he were directly next to Felix, who gave him a thumbs up. Chan grinned and nodded before looking down at his phone.

“Alright, I need you to hit the green button on the screen. It’ll start playing the backbeat for this section on loop. I’ll probably do the rap two or three times in one take, just to get it down, so keep the beat playing.”

Felix nodded, not sure if Chan could hear him the way he could hear Chan. He did as he was told, and a bass heavy beat filled his headphones. He found himself instantly bopping his head along with it, a small smile tugging at his lips at how the bass made his heart beat a little faster - he had always been a sucker for songs with electrifying bass lines.

As soon as Chan started to rap, Felix felt his blood start to boil. There was something so powerful behind his voice, and Felix wanted to get lost in it. The flow seemed almost too natural, as if he had been born to make music.

Felix found himself staring at Chan through the glass window, his eyes glued to how he put his whole body into the recording - he used his hands to punctuate certain words, closing his eyes and moving his head in time to the beat.

Chan was... mesmerizing. Felix couldn't look away, even if he wanted to.

“-x? Felix?”

“What?” He blinked, sitting back and blinking. He saw Chan grinning at him through the window, his cheeks faintly pink.

“I was trying to get your attention,” He chuckled. “You seemed a little zoned out there.”

“I just... you’re amazing,” Felix admitted, his voice a little breathy. Chan instantly flushed, his ears burning bright red. “I couldn’t take my eyes off you.”

“Lix...” Chan whined a little rubbing the back of his head in the way Felix was learning meant he was flustered. He also realized that yes, Chan could hear him. There was a small mic on the computer. He really hoped he hadn’t made any embarrassing sounds while being so completely enamored by the other boy’s stage presence.

“I could watch you perform forever.” Felix didn’t even realize he had said anything until he heard a soft growl through the headphones.

“Felix, get in here. Now.” Chan stared at him directly, his eyes already dark. Felix scrambled to rip the headphones off without damaging them and practically ran into the booth, letting the door slam closed behind him.

Chan instantly picked him up, wrapping his legs around his waist as he bit at Felix’s lower lip, begging for the younger boy to open his mouth. Felix did so gladly, wrapping his arms around Chan’s neck as he felt strong hands grip his ass.

This was nothing like the gentle kisses from when Felix first got to the studio, yet there was still something under the bites and growls that was still... soft, almost. He could feel how Chan would hesitate anytime Felix whimpered, as if to make sure he wasn’t actually hurting the younger boy too much. It made Felix want Chan to go even harder. He wanted to feel Chan’s hands on his skin, even after he managed to get back to his own apartment.

“Ah- Chan-” He gasped a little as Chan bit down on one of the bruises from before.

“I really fucked you up, huh?” He asked, sounding just a little too proud of himself and oh Felix was suddenly very warm. He shifted, showing Chan just how hard he already was by pressing his hips against the older boy’s stomach.

“Mm, my friends had a field day when they saw,” Felix said into the kiss, which was becoming more desperate with each passing second. “I-I couldn’t even l-leave the dorm without a jacket.”

“I’ll have to be more careful next time,” Chan all but growled, his teeth just lightly grazing over another bruise. Felix felt his entire body shudder. “Fuck, you’re so good for me... I wanna make my kitten feel good. Do you want that too?”

“Y-yes please...” Felix was embarrassed, but at the same time, Chan’s arms were so strong and warm around him, he couldn’t really find it in himself to care.

“So good for me,” Chan’s voice deepened, and Felix wished he could go back in time and smack him from this morning for choosing to wear jeans. “Don’t worry baby, I’ll take care of you... one rule though.”

“A rule?” Felix’s brain was already foggy, and all he cared about was the fact that Chan was no longer kissing him, which was comparable to the end of the fucking world.

“No touching yourself, angel,” Chan grinned against his lips, and Felix felt his eyes roll back.

Neither seemed to care that the recording was still going.

Chapter Text

Felix felt like he was glowing. Chan pulled the smaller boy closer, their bare chests resting against each other despite the sweat that caused them to stick together. He could feel the racing of Chan’s heart as he caught his breath, their faces equally as flushed.

He was glad they waited until they got back to Chan’s apartment before doing anything too dirty, though if there were new stains on the carpet of the recording booth, neither of them would say anything about it.

“Wow...” Chan laughed weakly, covering his face with his arm as the other wrapped around Felix’s bare waist.

“That’s all you have to say?” Felix teased, feeling breathless himself. “And here I thought you were some genius songwriter.”

“I guess you just take my words away,” Chan moved his arm and grinned up at Felix, who pouted in an attempt to stop himself from blushing more. “You make the cutest sounds baby. Drives me crazy.”

“Stop...” Felix whined, wanting Chan to do anything but stop. The older boy just chuckled and continued to place gentle kisses along his throat, fluttering over the bruises that had just started yellowing around the edges. It would be at least another week before Felix could walk around without a hoodie or jacket on, not that he cared that much.

“Hey Lix, is everything alright?”

“Huh? Why wouldn’t it be?” He asked, propping himself up to look at Chan properly. The older boy studied his face for a moment, as if looking for the answer to the question behind glazed eyes and flushed cheeks.

“I dunno... I just wanted to make sure you’re feeling okay,” Chan hummed, running his fingers through Felix’s sweaty bangs. “I remember what you told me the night we met, and I just... I don’t want you to think you have to go through life all on your own.”

“I’m not alone,” Felix thought he could cry. Why was Chan so- so perfect? “I have Jinnie, and our other friend, and now I have Seungmin and Jeongin, and Minho hyung... and you.”

“Mm, you have so many people who love you,” Chan kissed his forehead, letting his lips linger for a moment before flopping back on his pillows again. “And speaking of people who love us, I think Minho is making food.”

Felix perked up, his eyes widening at the prospect of something to eat. He hadn’t been all that hungry earlier that day, when he had lunch with his new friends, but he was always ravenous after a workout.

And Chan definitely gave him a workout between the studio and the bedroom.

“Come on, kitten,” Chan grinned, his face shining as he sat up. Felix slipped down his chest a little with the motion, landing on the other boy’s lap. He winced a little as a twinge of pain went up his lower back, but it felt good in a sense too. It didn't escape Chan’s notice either, the older boy chuckling and kissing the furrow of Felix’s brow away as he rolled him off his lap, smirking a little at the whine Felix let out at the lack of body heat.. “Here, this’ll keep you warm.”

He handed Felix one of his many hoodies, this one a nice shade of blue with the name of some beach printed across the front in white ink. It wasn’t a place Felix recognized, so he figured it was a souvenir from a trip.

With a grateful hum, Felix slipped it on over his head. He couldn’t help but grin when he saw how the hem fell just above his knee. He looked so... small. It was wonderful.

Everything about Chan made him feel good and small. He was so tired of having to be strong all the time, but with Chan, he didn’t have to be. He was allowed to be taken care of. Chan watched from behind, smiling softly as Felix looked at himself in the mirror, holding sleeve covered hands up to his mouth to hide his own grin out of habit. He squished his cheeks a little and turned to look back at Chan, who surged forward and pressed a gentle kiss to the purse of the younger boy’s lips.

“Adorable.” He adjusted Felix’s bangs, trying to get them to lay flat before giving up completely. He threw on a pair of sweatpants but didn’t bother with a shirt, and Felix was definitely not going to complain.

Any chance to stare unashamedly at the toned planes of Chan’s stomach was more than welcomed. Even relaxed, there was a whisper of sharp edges under the softness.

Without thinking, Felix followed his urges.

Chan growled a little as Felix bit his pec, not hard enough to hurt or even leave a mark, but for the sole purpose of feeling flesh between teeth. It may sound weird, but Felix suddenly understood why Jisung liked to bite his friends so much.

“You’re gonna be the death of me,” Chan pulled Felix back and kissed him, deeply but not harshly. Felix melted into the kiss, and if he could stay in that moment forever, he would do so without a single look back. He tugged Felix from the room, making their way towards the kitchen, where Minho was standing by the stove. “Come on, Minho’ll bitch about us eating his food but there’s absolutely going to be enough for three people.”

“Especially seeing how loud you two were,” Minho called from the kitchen, shooting them a cat-like grin. Felix flushed and ducked his chin into the hoodie, so the fabric rested just along his bottom lip. It smelled like Chan and Felix found it was vey comforting. “I figured you animals would be starving after fucking like the end of the world was coming.”

“I resent that...” Chan mumbled but didn’t try to defend himself against the sudden accusations.

“How are you feeling aegi?” Minho asked, patting Felix’s head gently. Felix flushed under the sudden attention, pulling the hoodie up over his mouth and nose to hide his flush.

“G-good...” He muttered, looking at the ground.

“Did hyung hurt you? He’s such a brute, isn't he?”

“Hey!” Chan shouted through a mouth of stir fry.

“I don’t think he could hurt me if he tried.” Felix whispered through the hoodie. Minho blinked at him for a moment before chuckling softly.

“Yeah, he’s a big old softie,” Minho cupped Felix’s cheeks playfully, squishing the younger boy’s face. “But if he does hurt you, tell Minho hyungie, yeah? I can hide a body in under fifteen minutes.”

“Stop telling people you’re going to kill me!” Chan whined, pulling Felix away from a grinning Minho and handed him a bowl. It was past dinner, but not so late that eating was a bad idea.

“The offer is still on the table.” Minho whispered even quieter, causing Felix to giggle.

“In my own home...” Chan muttered sadly as they made their way into the living room.

Felix found himself being tugged onto Chan’s lap as the older boy sat on the couch. He wiggled a little so his ass was next to Chan’s thighs, his own legs thrown over Chan’s legs so they could eat with as little maneuvering as possible. Minho sat on the other side of them, not seeming phased in the slightest that his roommate and friend from high school were cuddling about a foot from him.

In fact, Minho had been extremely chill with this whole situation. Judging by what he said to Chan when Felix had been trying to sneak out, Chan wasn’t a stranger to hook ups.

Did he bring his other hookups back to his apartment a second time? Did he invite them to his studio to help him record? Did he hold them as gently as he held Felix? Did he look at them with the same caring, shining eyes?

Felix knew he wasn’t so special as to assume he was an exception in Chan’s life, but fuck if it didn’t make his chest warm to pretend.

It was almost too perfect, sitting halfway on Chan’s lap as they watched some youtube channel. Felix had never heard of them before, but he instantly knew why Chan and Minho liked them so much - they were funny, in a personable way.

“Oh shit, I should probably head back,” Felix checked his phone to see several texts from Hyunjin, each getting whinier and whinier as they progressed. “Jinnie’s mad that I stood him up for dinner.”

“Can’t have that,” Chan chuckled, wrapping his arms around Felix’s waist comfortably - he kind of hated how well he seemed to fit in Chan’s arms, because it made it that much harder to leave them. “Is there any food left?”

“Already on it.” Minho came back with a takeout container filled with the remaining stir fry and a pair of disposable chopsticks resting on top.

“You sure? You worked hard on this...” Felix didn’t know why he wanted to cry.

“Mm, if Hyunjin gets mad at us, he’s going to try to hoard you, and then hyung will mope around the apartment and I don’t want to deal with that.” Minho grinned, handing Felix the container.

“Felix is the only one who really loves me...” Chan pouted, pretending to be hurt. He followed Felix back to the bedroom to get his own clothes back.“Take me with you - don’t leave me with this asshole.”

“If Jinnie wouldn’t beat you up for stealing me away, I’d absolutely invite you over,” Felix chuckled as he slipped his pants on. “I think you should meet in public, where there are witnesses.”

“I would never hurt this Hyunjin character,” Chan promised, holding three fingers up. “But only cuz you like him so much. I’m normally not as kind when my poor ego is at stake.”

“You’re so cute.” Felix kissed Chan briefly before going to take the hoodie off. He stopped when he felt the fabric being tugged back down again. He looked up at Chan, who was looking at him fondly.

“Keep it,” Chan murmured, playing with the strings. His words danced across Felix’s lips, making the younger boy lean forward. They kissed, but it was gentle, like they were trying to savor the moment before it was snatched away by the world around them. “You look way cuter in it than I ever did.”

“I-I’ll bring it back when I wash it-”

“Keep it,” Chan reiterated, making Felix’s mind turn to mush. “I have a ton of hoodies, but this one definitely looks best on you.”

“Are you sure?” Felix could tell it was an expensive hoodie, just by the feel of the fabric and how soft it was on the inside. None of his own were nearly as nice.

“Mm, one hundred percent sure,” Chan nuzzled Felix’s cheek with his nose, making the smaller boy giggle again. “Want me to walk you back to your dorm?”

“Ah, you don’t have to-”

“Do you want me to, though?”

“I... if you don’t mind,” Felix’s ears warmed. “I’ll text Hyunjin so he doesn't try to kill you.”

“I would definitely appreciate not dying just yet,” Chan’s eyes crinkled happily as he grinned, walking Felix to the front door. “There’s a lot I want to do before I go.”

“Can I be one of those things?” Felix asked without thinking. He tried not to show how immediately flustered he was, but by the way Chan laughed, he had a feeling he wasn’t able to hide it all that well.

“Don’t worry, you’re on that list quite a few times, if you want.” Chan quickly pulled him close and nipped at his ear before moving away. Felix stood in the hallways, dazed, until he shook himself back into the moment and chased after Chan, who was already halfway to the elevators.

“Is it your boy again?” Seungmin teased, watching Felix grin at his phone. It was Wednesday, so this was only the second time he had gotten lunch with his new friends, and he was glad to see they were already comfortable enough with him to heckle him.

“Mm, he sent me a clip of the song he’s working on.” Felix’s chest was warm. He hadn’t even known Chan for a whole week, yet he managed to worm his way into Felix’s everyday life without a second thought.

“Song? What’s his major?” Jeongin asked.

“Music development and production,” He recalled easily. “And a minor in psychology, I think. He’s insane but fuck if he ain’t cute while doing it.”

“What did you say his name was?”

“Chan,” Felix’s face instantly melted into a sickly fond look. “He’s a senior-”

“Wait, like Bang Chan?” Jeongin almost spat out his drink.

“Y-yeah?” Was there something he was missing here?

“Oh my god, hyung-” Jeongin’s eyes widened even more. “He’s like, famous.”

“What?”

“What was it? Like two years ago one of his songs was picked by this big-shot music label for some commercial or something,” Seungmin explained. “It instantly blew up, and they kept going back to him for stuff. He’s like a celebrity on campus - especially for those in the music department.”

“Oh wow...” Felix had no idea. To him, Chan was just... Chan - he was kind, and gentle, and a little goofy. But famous?

“Wow is right,” Jeongin sounded a little shell shocked. “Could you get me his autograph?”

“Jeongin!”

“What?” he pouted. “Bang Chan is like- like an idol in our department.”

Felix remembered the younger boy talking about his major the last time they had gotten together, giving this long, complicated official name before summing it up as ‘cinematic music composition’ - aka, he wants to write background music for movies, which Felix thought was pretty cool.

“I can ask, but he’ll probably just blush and deny being famous,” Felix chuckled, already retelling this whole situation to Chan, who was one again at the studios. “I’m absolutely going to hold this over him forever now.”

As he hits send, another text comes through.

would you wanna come keep me company again? Maybe this time we can actually get some work done :P

Felix was absolutely whipped for this boy. He began to respond, when a second text came from Hyunjin.

You better clear your schedule to get drunk with me tonight I had a shit fucking day and I need my best friend to cuddle with

Felix frowned. Was Hyunjin alright? As much as he whined and complained, it was always done playfully - he rarely was actually upset.

Of course princess I’ll be back in fifteen minutes do you need me to pick anything up?

And to Chan:

sorry 😞Jinnie’s had a bad day so we’re gonna get drunk to cheer up him! Next time tho for sure 

“Everything alright?” Seungmin noticed Felix’s change in demeanor.

“Mm, my roommate had a really bad day so I’m gonna go cheer him up,” Felix stood and grabbed his bag. His phone buzzed with a text from Hyunjin: I got everything set all I need is your cute little ass UwU. “Same time Monday?”

“Mm, sounds good! Tell your roommate we hope he feels better.” Seungmin called as Felix ducked from the café. Thankfully their dorm was only a short walk from the student center - technically everything is only a short walk away from everything else. Perks of living on campus - so he was swiping his ID to unlock his door in under the fifteen promised minutes.

“Lix...” Hyunjin called from his bed. Felix instantly threw his bag to the side and slipped off his shoes before crawling onto the bed as well, laying directly on top of his best friend. He could feel how Hyunjin seemed to melt a little at the contact.

“I’m here princess,” He whispered, holding his friend closer. “Did something happen?”

“I d-dunno,” Hyunjin’s voice cracked, as did Felix’s heart. Hyunjin cried often, but it seemed it was only ever for other people - when Felix was hurt, or when there was a sad scene in a movie - it was rarely ever for himself. “Everything just kept going wrong today and I’m so sick of it I just wanna go to sleep forever-”

“Hey now, who’ll get me into trouble if you go to sleep forever?”

“You have Sung, and stupid Chan hyung.”

“Sung and Chan are Sung and Chan. They’re not you, Jinnie. I need you in my life too. I can’t lose my best friend.”

“I’m sorry, I probably sound so- so ungrateful,” Hyunjin started to cry outright. “You’ve been through s-s-so much shit and I’m crying over a bad day-”

“What I’ve been through doesn’t make your bad day suck any less,” This wasn’t the first time Felix had to have a similar conversation with Hyunjin. His friend was a little too supportive of Felix’s recovery, to the point where he tries not to burden Felix too much with his own problems, which leads to him bottling everything up. “Did you wanna order food before we get fucked up?”

“Already did,” Hyunjin curled into Felix’s side, hiding his face in Chan’s hoodie - the one Felix had practically been living in since Monday, when it was given to him. “They should be here in like... ten minutes.”

“Same place as usual?”

“Mm.” Hyunjin hummed and hugged Felix closer. The place they ordered from most often would deliver as far as the parking lot of the dorm building, which meant Felix would have to run and grab it soon. Until then, though, he was content to play with Hyunjin’s hair and hum softly, letting his best friend cry into his stomach.

It broke his heart to roll Hyunjin off of him when their food finally arrived. Hyunjin knew why he was leaving, but it didn’t stop fresh tears from rolling down his cheeks at the sudden distance. Felix pressed a soft kiss to his cheek and promised he would be right back.

He ran, practically ripping the bags from the delivery guy and handing him a generous tip before racing back up. The food smelled amazing, but his main focus was getting back to Hyunjin before the other boy got too upset again.

They joked that they were each other's platonic soulmates, but it was true - Hyunjin was Felix’s other half. They had been through hell together, relying on one another for things both big and small. Hyunjin was there when Felix needed advice on what belt to wear with a particular pair of pants, and when Felix was crying so hard he was making himself throw up. Felix was there when Hyunjin was bored and wanted to rewatch the same show for the fifth time without being judged, and to hold him after he was assaulted at a party back their freshman year. There couldn’t be one of them without the other - that’s just how things have been since the moment they met.

“Did you start drinking without me?” Felix asked with a faint chuckle. Hyunjin sat on the floor, his laptop already set up on the seat of Felix’s desk chair, the ground between their beds covered in blankets and pillows. The beds themselves were completely bare, stripped down to the sheets for their little nest.

“Mm, you took too long,” Hyunjin smiled back, but Felix could tell it was strained. There were fresh tear tracks down his friend’s face, his beautiful eyes still red and glassy.

“Here, I got your favorite.”

He gestured to the line of alcohol that sat under the chair, safe from being kicked over by flying limbs. Felix brightened when he saw the familiar wine label. It was cheap, but it was sweet and never gave him a hangover. The other bottles, however...

“Tequila?” He raised an eyebrow. Neither of them did well with tequila, but at the same time all of their best stories started with ‘after that tequila shot...’ so they never fully banished it from their evening.

“I figured Chan hyung would like to meet Tequila-Lix,” Hyunjin grinned, his face much brighter than it had been a few moments prior. They pulled the food from the bag and divided it up, laying the containers out buffet style for them to pick at as they got progressively more and more fucked up. “Plus I thought it would be fun to tease him a little. I didn’t like the way he was looking at you.”

“Looking at me?” Felix stopped with his eggroll halfway to his mouth, his eyebrows raising in confusion.

“Like... like you hung the stars in the sky,” Hyunjin’s voice dropped as he sipped directly from his own personal bottle of wine, the pink in the glass almost the same shade of pink on Felix’s cheeks from the confession. “I think he’s trying to steal you away from me.”

“Nah, I’d never let some pretty boy come between us, even if he is super hot.” Felix chuckled and bumped his shoulder against Hyunjin’s.

“I mean, if he wanted to cum between us...” Hyunjin trailed off, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively - something he only started doing after meeting Jisung, that bad influence - and Felix couldn’t help but throw his head back and cackle.

“Maybe Tequila-Lix’ll have the balls to ask him,” He giggled, tossing a wrapped fortune cookie at Hyunjin, who grinned back widely. “Who knows, maybe he’s into that.”

“After the way he bit you up? That man absolutely has some wack kinks,” He took a big bite of noodles before continuing, talking around the food as best as he could without spitting it everywhere. “My money’s on a daddy kink, no doubt about that. Maybe restraining? I could see him being a pretty little sub too.”

“I have no clue what his other kinks are,” Felix shook his head and started the first episode of some anime Jeongin had suggested. “What if it’s something weird? What should I do then?”

“Weird like a piss kink? Or weird like-”

“I’m not going to let you finish that,” Felix shoved a bite of chicken into Hyunjin’s mouth. They both knew Hyunjin knew a little too much about the stranger side of the adult scene, and poor Felix had listened to his friend describe some interesting things far too many times. “I mean... honestly? I think I’d go along with just about anything he’d want. I can’t really think of anything that would be a hard no for me, especially when it’s Chan...”

He trailed off, a small smile tugging at his lips. Even the things that kinda weirded him out... if Chan asked, Felix would probably agree.

“When will I find a pretty sex maniac to sweep me off my feet?” Hyunjin lamented, already almost finished his bottle of wine. Felix chuckled and cracked his own open. He knew if he didn’t get started soon, Hyunjin would out-drink him and then there would be nothing left for him. Sure, they could ask Jisung to grab something and come over, but on days like this, it needed to be just Felix and Hyunjin.

“I’ll keep my eye open,” Felix giggled, pulling Hyunjin into his lap. The taller boy easily folded in on himself so he could sit comfortably against Felix’s chest. “If someone matches that description, I’ll be sure to send them your way.”

“You think Channie hyung has any hot friends?”

“Well, there’s Minho hyung.”

“True... he still kinda scares me though,” Hyunjin threw back the last of his wine, helping himself to one of the bottles of soju and unscrewing the cap easily. Sipping from that like it was water, he sighed loudly and let Felix hold his weight up. “People that pretty have to have some kind of secret...”

“I mean, he’s friends with the ghost in practice room F,” Felix giggled again at the incredulous look on Hyunjin’s face. “I was shocked too but apparently it’s super fucking haunted - like, for real.”

“I wanna go,” Hyunjin breathed, his cheeks already flushed. “I wanna- I wanna fight a ghost.”

“You’re not going to fight a ghost.”

“Wanna fuck a ghost.”

“A better option, but I’m still not letting that happen.”

“Wanna fuck you then.” Hyunjin hummed, pushing his weight against Felix in an attempt to push his friend over. Unfortunately for him, Felix wasn’t nearly as drunk yet, and had a little more control over his core. Part of him knew if Hyunjin was having such a bad day that he probably didn’t eat anything, but this just proved it. Hyunjin wasn’t a light weight, but alcohol on an empty stomach can make the most seasoned drinker pause.

“Do you actually want to fuck me or are you just drunk?” Felix knew how clingy and emotional Hyunjin got when he drank, and how the other boy’s loneliness tended to seep out at times like this. Even when he wasn’t in a bad mood before drinking, Hyunjin was the flirtiest motherfucker Felix has ever met. Sober he normally had more tact, but drunk? If Drunk Hyunjin wasn’t either clinging to someone, or flirting with someone, it might as well be the end of the world as he knew it.

“Hm, both,” He nuzzled Felix’s cheek happily. “You’re so pretty Lixie.”

“Thank you princess,” Felix thought his friend was absolutely adorable when he was like this - he liked taking care of his friends, but Hyunjin was always so careful not to show weakness around Felix, even after all these years. He didn’t want to burden Felix, and no matter how much Felix tells him it’s okay, he never listens. “You’re even prettier. Did you know that?”

“Really?” Hyunjin gasped, his cheeks even more flushed in the flashing colors of the show that was now playing, unwatched.

“Mm, very pretty,” Felix kissed his cheek. “The prettiest.”

“Ah! I love you so much!” Hyunjin tackled him, throwing his arms around Felix’s throat.

Felix wondered if Hyunjin had started drinking before he even got back to the dorm, because he was far drunker than he should have been, even on an empty stomach. Glancing to the side, he saw an empty bottle of soju sitting, on its side, on Hyunjin’s pillow.

“Mm... ‘s not fair...”

“What’s not fair Jinnie?” Felix hummed, texting Chan subtly, updating the older boy. He had been worried when Felix explained why he couldn't come to the studio. Chan responded instantly with a string of almost indecipherable emojis.

“Channie hyung g-gets to fuck you and make you feel good... why can’t I?”

“Wh-” Felix choked on his wine. “Jin, we’ve never fucked before.”

“We haven’t? You’re right, we haven’t... I think we should.”

“Do you really?”

“Mm, it’s wh-what bros do,” Hyunjin said sagely, as if he were giving Felix some sort of ancient wisdom. “It’s called bro bonding... bron-bronding. Bro-onding.”

“You’re so cute.” Felix just laughed. He continued to text Chan, who found the whole situation very amusing.

He gave up on asking you for a threesome and is now trying to convince me to let him fuck me, he wrote to Chan as Hyunjin continued to giggle and kiss along his throat. Keeps telling me it's part of bro-code

would you regret it, if you did?

Felix blinked, a little surprised. He had told Chan because he found it cute, and amusing, but it almost seemed like Chan was taking it serious.

I dunno, we’ve never done anything like that before. He blew me once, and I’ve gotten him off a bunch when we’re high, but that’s about it

you should do whatever you’re comfortable with UwU sometimes a platonic fuck can be a good thing - I know Min and I have had our fair share of encounters

He laughed almost helplessly at his phone. Chan really was an enigma, wasn’t he?

you’d be okay with that?

Why wouldn’t I be?

Felix’s smile fell a little. Maybe their... time spent together wasn’t as special to Chan as it was to him. Had he been reading too far into things? Did Chan see their relationship as something casual, and nothing more? Was he lining himself up to get hurt if he kept allowing his heart to flutter anytime Chan showed him that dimpled grin?

Before his thoughts could spiral any more, a second buzz came through.

Lix, you can do whatever you’re comfortable with. I really like spending time with you, but I’m not going to be selfish and take that decision away from you. Besides, I know you’d do anything for your friends - I’d do the same for mine. I’ve DONE the same for my friends in the past. You’re such a kind soul Pixie. I’m not going to tell you what to do with your life, but I will be there for you when you need me. That’s not going to change, kitten

“Lix? Why are you crying?” Hyunjin’s voice broke Felix from his thoughts. He scrubbed his eyes, trying to stop the tears but they just kept falling.

“I-it’s fine,” He sobbed, rubbing harder at his cheeks. He felt Hyunjin grab his wrists, keeping him from hurting himself. “I-I-I’m o-okay-”

“It’s okay baby,” Hyunjin hummed, holding Felix close. “You’re okay.”

“I just...” He hesitated before handing Hyunjin his phone. Normally he would be a little more hesitant to show such a... personal conversation, but his head was swimming and the wine was finally starting to make his limbs fuzzy and his stomach warm and FUCK he wished Chan was there because Chan would make everything better and make him feel good-

“He really cares about you, doesn't he?” Hyunjin whispered after finishing the short exchange. He handed Felix his phone back before pulling him into a tight hug.

“I don’t know if I deserve him.”

“Of course you do,” Hyunjin pressed a kiss to Felix’s cheek, wiping away the tears with his lips. Felix couldn’t help but watch how Hyunjin’s tongue thoughtlessly darted out to lick the tear away. “You deserve someone to love you as much as you love them... he really s-seems to take care of you... I just-”

“Jinnie..”

“Please don’t leave me,” Hyunjin burst into tears himself, using the backs of his hands to try to wipe them away, but they fell faster than he could dry them. Felix blinked, his mouth dropping open in shock when he finally registered what his friend had said. “You-you can’t leave me for him! Please! I know he’s- I know he’s so great an-and hot and perfect but please don’t leave me behind!”

“You’re such a fucking idiot,” Felix hit the top of Hyunjin’s head with the side of his hand, making his friend pause his sobs out of shock alone. “How could I ever leave you? You’re my best friend in the whole world. You were the first person who made Korea fun. Without you... without you, I probably wouldn’t have graduated high school at all... you saved my life Hyunjin. It doesn’t matter how hot, or nice, or famous Chan is. You’re always gonna be my number one, you hear me?”

“F-Felix-” Hyunjin threw himself at the smaller boy, knocking them both back onto the piles of blankets.

“I’m never going to leave you behind,” Felix promised, holding Hyunjin as tightly as he could without outright choking the other boy. “Never, ever, ever.”

Hyunjin crashed their lips together, his tongue tasting like spicy chicken and fruit wine as he tried to ground himself through Felix’s warmth. Felix let Hyunjin lead the kiss, knowing his friend needed this - knew Hyunjin needed this comfort, and affection. When his brain got too loud, he needed something physical to remind him that he was loved, and appreciated, and Felix really was more than willing to do anything it took to make sure Hyunjin remembered how amazing he was.

Felix held Hyunjin as his friend slept peacefully. After making out for a few minutes, Felix managed to start a pillow fight, which quickly brought Hyunjin’s mood up. Within moments, they were stumbling around the dorm, trying to avoid breaking anything as they drunkenly threw pillows and plushies at each other.

After about an hour of dodging, play fighting, and creating a drinking game for the anime neither of them had actually been paying any attention to, Hyunjin practically collapsed where he was sitting, his breath huffing lightly against Felix’s collarbones.

“You’re such an idiot,” He sighed, running his fingers through Hyunjin’s hair, careful not to tug on any knots too roughly. Hyunjin didn’t even twitch, a testament to how drunk he really was before passing out. “How could I ever leave you behind?”

He jumped when he felt his phone vibrate. It took him a moment to grab it and focus on the new message, the words floating in front of his eyes for a few seconds before he was able to actually read it.

you’re probably asleep already but I wanted to say goodnight!! :D text me in the morning and maybe we can get coffee before your classes? I have a feeling you’re going to need it XD and give Hyunjin a hug for me <3

Felix’s eyes burned again. He really lov-

He cut his own thoughts off. He cared for Chan greatly but he wasn’t going to allow himself to keep going with that. He wasn’t going to risk what he had because he was being greedy and selfish.

thanks Channie ^A^ I’m bout to pass our now lmaooo you have perfect timing~ and I’m definitely going to want coffee ToT I’m sp drunk rn

You’re so cute Lixie~ take care of yourself, okay? Can’t have my bridge buddy out of commission

Mm love you too ;) maybe next time I can shoe you how fun iam when I’m all drunky~

go to sleep kitten. I’m already looking forward to seeing you again <3

Felix giggled silently, sending back a short message. He had started using the same keyboard emojis that Chan did - something that the older boy loved to tease him about, and honestly? He didn’t mind it too much. He liked it when Chan teased him, because it was always done with such affection and love.

night hyungie <3

He tossed his phone off to the side and curled up into Hyunjin’s side. He was glad that sober him had been smart enough to set his alarm before he started drinking, though he wouldn’t have cared all that much if he skipped class. It wasn’t like Hyunjin was going to be conscious to go with him. Tuesdays and Thursday he and Hyunjin shared a class, while his second class was without his best friend.

Again, not that Hyunjin was going to be going to class with him in the morning.

He smiled as he fell asleep, remembering why he had to wake up on time. He needed to meet up with Chan at the café, to get coffee with the older boy. Even drunk him was buzzing with excitement.

He fell asleep with the world spinning and a smile on his lips, the image of Chan’s bright smile in his mind.

Chapter Text

“I could just... skip my classes...” Felix sipped his coffee casually. Chan blinked at him and chuckled, shaking his head.

“Your education is important though...” He trailed off. It was clear he wanted to agree with the younger boy and whisk him away to the studio, but part of him wanted to at least attempt to be a good influence.

“Technically I’m still hungover,” Felix pouted a little, playing with the straw. “And Jinnie isn’t going to be there either so I’m not going to have any fun anyway.”

“You’re supposed to learn, not have fun.”

“Ppshh,” He waved his hand. “I can just get notes from someone.”

“Are you feeling any better?” Chan asked, clearly giving up on his very short hesitation.

“Mm, coffee definitely helped,” Felix hummed happily. “Poor Jinnie’s gonna feel like shit whenever he wakes up though. He’s always been a big baby when it comes to hangovers, which is ironic seeing how he drinks way more than I do.”

“I’m glad,” Chan watched Felix dance happily in his chair as he ate the last of his chocolate chip muffin. “You’re so cute.”

“Aghsfj-” Felix choked on his muffin, coughing loudly. Chan chuckled and watched the younger boy try to use his coffee to wash the crumbs down fondly.

“If you want, we can stop by your dorm and get whatever you need to get your work done so you can get a jump start on what you’re going to miss today when I’m editing.”

“You sure?”

“I have a lot to do, and I know I get sucked into my work and end up not talking for hours. I don’t want you to get bored of me.” Chan swirled the coffee in his cup, the inky darkness of the americano starkly different from the milky latte Felix ordered.

“I could never get bored of you,” Felix reached out and put his hand on the table, palm up. Chan took the bait and placed his hand on top of Felix’s, grinning at just how small Felix’s hand was under his own. He had noticed the difference before, but he loved seeing it again and again. “I think you’re super cool.”

“Ah, I don’t know about cool,” He chuckled, using his free hand to play with the condensation on the edge of his cup. “I’m... just me.”

“Jeongin asked me to get your autograph,” Felix teased, bringing up the younger boy’s request yet again to make Chan blush. “You’re famous~”

“Ya...” Chan whined, his ears burning bright red.

“You want another coffee before we go to the studio?” Felix asked, standing and taking their trash. “It’ll be easier to buckle down if we don’t need to move.”

“Mm, you’re right baby,” Chan stood and stretched his back, groaning a little as it cracked loudly. Felix felt a shiver go down his spine from how casual Chan used the pet name.

“We can stop and get some monsters. Too much coffee makes my stomach hurt.”

“And energy drinks will help?”

“Nah, but I like to pretend they will,” Chan grinned and took Felix’s hand, pulling him from the cafe. The convenience store was a little out of the way, but it was worth it for the sale on snacks. The food in the student center was always pricier for literally no reason, and it drove Felix insane. “You know, the only people who’ve ever come to the studio with me are my partners from class, and now you.”

“Really?” Felix didn’t know how to feel about that. He had worried that maybe Chan viewed him the same as his other hookups, but he was the only one who was brought to the studio? Did that mean Chan thought he was important? Did he... like Felix?

“Mm, most of my friends are too loud,” He opened the door to the convenience store for Felix, who let out a breath in relief when he saw some girl behind the counter. “I don’t even let Minho tag along. He gets bored and starts trying to rile me up. Last time, we ended up across campus trying to see who could climb the statue of what-his-face.”

“I feel special.” Felix muttered, feeling warm. Chan smiled at him and pressed a soft kiss to the boy’s cheek before going over to the drink cooler.

“You should,” Chan handed him two cans, shocking Felix a little. Did Chan really remember the flavors he bought on that first night? “Because you are.”

Felix hated how his eyes burned. It was such a simple thing, but for some reason hearing it from Chan made his entire body buzz. He whined softly before busying himself with grabbing snacks. He knew he wouldn’t be able to eat much, but later he would get hungry and he wouldn’t want to go out and get anything.

It was one reason Hyunjin always had snacks in the dorm - he knew Felix wouldn’t eat if he had to get it himself. It frustrated him to no end, but he was going to take care of Felix even if it killed him.

He made sure to grab the bottled iced coffee that Hyunjin liked, and two microwaveable meat buns for his roommate, who would cry at the gift - if he was awake at all. Felix was once more so thankful they snuck that microwave into the dorm, disguising it to look like a book shelf - it had been some ingenious planning on their part, taking the spines of old books and putting them on a board to stand in front of their contraband.

The only reason Changkyun, their RA, knew it was a fake bookshelf was because he had been smoking with them and Jisung, and had complained about wanting food, so they whipped up some hot pockets. Changkyun ‘pretended’ not to have seen it, solely because they had given him, according to him, the best hot pocket he had ever had in his life.

“Here, I got this-” Felix was cut off once again by Chan swiping his student ID. Felix stood, mouth open in a betrayed O as the older boy quickly signed for the purchase and grabbed the bags in one hand. Without hesitation, he took Felix’s hand in his other, as if it were the most natural thing in the world to keep the younger boy close.

“You’re gonna catch flies like that.” Chan tapped Felix’s chin with his finger before leading them out of the store. Felix clicked his mouth shut and pouted, trying his best not to smile as Chan leaned over and pressed another kiss to the corner of his mouth.

“I was supposed to pay...” He grumbled, still biting back a sappy smile.

“Mm, you bought the coffee,” Chan pointed out as they made the quick walk towards the dorms. “And I like buying you things. I like seeing you smile.”

“Th-that’s stupid-” He hated how his voice cracked. Who did Chan think he was, coming into his life and making him feel so... special? So wanted?

“What’s stupid about wanting to make my kitten happy?” Chan retorted playfully, spinning Felix around and catching him as he stumbled a little, holding the smaller boy closer to his chest. They had managed to walk to the elevator, Felix swiping his ID to get them into the building. “What’s wrong with wanting to make the sun shine?”

“Chan...”

“Mm?”

“I-” He was so close to saying something stupid - something like ‘I really like you’ or ‘You make me so happy I want to cry’ or ‘please don’t get tired of me when you realize how broken I am’ - but instead he just chuckled and allowed Chan to help him right himself. They stepped onto the elevator and rode it up to Felix’s floor, Chan peppering soft kisses onto Felix’s cheeks the entire time. Felix couldn’t stop the light giggles as Chan kissed all over his face - his cheeks, his nose, his eyelids, his forehead. He felt so happy it almost scared him.

“I’ll wait here,” Chan whispered, standing by the door of the dorm. “If Jinnie’s still sleeping, I don’t want to wake him up.”

“You’re too nice.” Felix shook his head and grabbed the snacks from one of the bags before using his ID to open the door and slip inside. The door stayed open, giving Felix just enough light to see his desk and his books. He tried to slip them into his backpack as quietly as possible, but it was the closing of the zipper that made just a little too much noise.

“Hng, Lix?” A groggy voice said from the floor. Hyunjin was still wrapped in the blanket nest, his hair sticking up all over the place as he sat up and winced, even the faint light from the hallway too much for his sensitive eyes.

“Hey there princess, I come bearing gifts,” Felix chuckled and crouched next to his friend, pressing the cold bottle against Hyunjin’s cheek. Hyunjin squeaked a little but instantly cradled the coffee, using the chilled glass to soothe the ache that was undoubtedly raging behind his eyes. “I’ll leave the buns on my desk, okay?”

“Where’re you goin’?”

“Chan and I are going to work on stuff for a bit,” He answered gently pulling the hair out of Hyunjin’s face. “He’s going to edit his song and I’m going to do some homework.”

“When’ll you be home?”

“No idea. I’ll text you later, okay? Maybe we can get dinner with Sung.”

“He’s being a brat right now...” Hyunjin mumbled, clinging to Felix’s arm. “Says... says some stupid project is more important than us.”

“I’ll beat him up for you next time I see him,” Felix promised with a small smile. “Are you gonna go back to sleep?”

“Nah, I’m too awake now,” Hyunjin finally sat up, his eyes slipping shut. “I’m gonna... take the hottest fuckin shower... and gonna eat the fuck outta those buns...”

“You do that,” Felix pressed a quick kiss to Hyunjin’s forehead before standing and grabbing his backpack. “If you need anything, text me.”

Hyunjin just gave him a silent thumbs up as he stared at the floor, unseeing. Felix huffed a laugh and closed the door behind him, knowing fully well Hyunjin was going to fall back to sleep for at least another hour before he would be able to drag himself to the communal showers for their floor.

“Ready?” Chan asked, instantly taking Felix’s hand again.

“Mm.” He grinned, swinging their arms between them playfully. It was almost too natural, holding Chan’s hand like that. It was like that first night all over again - everything felt so right, like this was supposed to be happening.

Like Felix was supposed to fall madly in love with Chan.

He let Chan prattle on about the song he was going to be editing - it wasn’t that Felix wasn’t interested! He really was, but it was hard to keep up with the technical jargon that the older boy seemed to speak like a third language. He had a distinct feeling he wouldn’t actually be getting much work done, but that was fine with him.

Much to his surprise, Felix actually got a decent amount of his work done. In the three hours they had been sitting in the studio room, Felix managed to do the readings and the assignments for the class he and Seungmin shared - first time all semester he actually did the reading ahead of time! Normally he just skimmed it as the class filtered into the room. On top of that, he submitted his essay proposal for his other class, and got a head start on the stupid discussion posts for two of this other lectures.

He hadn’t been this prepared, work wise, since the semester before, when he actually had to put effort into studying so he wouldn’t fail. This semester, however, his classes were easy enough that he didn’t really bother with studying much at all.

Glancing up, Felix found himself watching Chan work. The older boy had his headphones on and was focusing so intently on his laptop that he probably forgot Felix was there at all.

He had one leg pulled up next to him with the other bouncing on the ground, his fingers flying across the keyboard and the small piano he attached to said laptop. Felix could barely keep up with what he was doing - between the typing, the clicking and dragging, the piano tapping, the humming, and the frantic backspacing, Felix couldn’t understand a single thing Chan was doing in his program.

But fuck if he didn’t look hot as hell doing it.

Felix’s eyes drifted to Chan’s arms, which were exposed in his t-shirt. Every press of the keyboard made his muscles tense, especially when he reached across to tap away at the little piano off to the side. The motions were so natural, it was as if Chan had been doing it for years, which probably wasn’t much of an exaggeration.

Chan bit his lip in concentration, his head bobbing gently to a beat Felix couldn’t hear, and not for the first time, he wished he could go over and sit in the older boy’s lap, hiding his face in Chan’s neck as he continued to work.

It would be so nice, he decided as he watched Chan edit. Chest to chest, legs wrapped around Chan’s middle and his arms around Chan’s neck and his mouth pressed gently against Chan’s pulse point - not doing anything, just feeling the steady beat against his lips. Chan’s arms would cage him in, but not hold him down. He would feel Chan’s humming through the vibrations, and the faint flexing as Chan typed away.

He could see himself falling asleep in that position. Chan would be so warm, and comfortable.

His mind wandered a little more, imagining Chan buried deep in his ass, not moving but letting Felix cockwarm him as he worked, kissing the smaller boy gently as he drifted off into his mental clouds until he was a melting puddle of freckles and happiness-

“Lix? You good?” Chan asked, amusement coloring his words. Felix blinked and realized he had been staring.

“Mm, zoned out I guess.” He chuckled awkwardly, shifting to hide how his little fantasy had started to excite him the smallest bit. As much as he knew Chan would absolutely be down with fucking him in the recording booth, he also knew the older boy genuinely wanted to get work done, and he was in control of his dick enough to resist for a little longer.

“Maybe we should take a break,” Chan stretched like before, cracking his back. “Fuck, I know it’s bad but I’ve been craving those cigarettes from the other night. I try not to smoke too much, but I really like that brand.”

“Good thing I have them on me, isn’t it?” Felix grinned, digging through his backpack and holding up the familiar pack, a new pink lighter tucked in the plastic that surrounded the cardboard.

“You’re a godsend kitten,” Chan went over and pulled Felix to his feet, kissing him quickly before stepping back. He saved his program and closed his laptop, turning back to Felix. “The roof is usually unlocked. Wanna get some fresh air?”

“I thought you’d never ask.” Felix giggled, pocketing the pack and letting Chan lead him from the practice room. He had explained the first time Felix had visited that the studios are a lot like the practice rooms in the dance wing - they were open to anyone in the department, but you had to sign up for a time slot. The studios with the recording booths needed extra permission, because the equipment is so expensive, but Chan got special access. No one would disturb their things without them there.

“It’s so nice out!” Chan grinned as they pushed the door to the roof open. The building was only two stories, which was the sole reason the roof was accessible at all - and even then, there was a preventative railing along the edge. Felix wondered why they put a rail there, but not along the bridge.

“Mm, it’s perfect. Not too hot but not too chilly.”

“Nights are going to be really nice soon,” Chan shot Felix a sly smile as the younger boy tapped out two cigarettes, passing one over. “We should plan another midnight date. A picnic would be really nice.”

“A midnight picnic? That sounds...” Perfect, romantic, amazing, wonderful - just like Chan was? Felix lit his cigarette and handed the lighter over. “I’ve never planned my bridge trips before. They’ve always been last minute decisions.”

“Spontaneity is good, but sometimes making plans is fun too,” Chan took the lighter with a nod and followed suit, taking a long drag before exhaling, his shoulders relaxing. “Gives me a chance to bring some champagne and strawberries.”

“Sounds like you’re planning something fancy,” Felix chuckled, tapping some of the ash off of the end of his cigarette onto the concrete below them. “Don’t know if I’m good enough for that much effort!”

He meant it as a joke, but by the way Chan fell silent, the insecurity that laced his words hadn’t been as hidden as he hoped they would be. Chan looked at him for a moment, almost as though he were watching Felix for something, before shaking his head a little and going over to him. He pulled Felix into his chest, the hand holding the cigarette cupping the back of his head and his other arm wrapped firmly around his slim waist.

“You’re so amazing, Lix,” He whispered. “You deserve so many good things... it kills me to hear you talk about yourself like- like you’re something worthless, because you aren’t.”

“C-careful, you’re gonna boost my ego if you keep saying shit like that,” Felix chuckled, pulling away from Chan’s embrace. As much as he craved the older boy’s warmth around him, he couldn’t stay in his arms. He didn’t deserve it. “And we can’t have that, now can we?”

“Felix...”

“It’s fine,” Felix gave an obviously fake chuckle and took another drag of his cigarette, holding the smoke in his lungs for a count of eight before slowly exhaling it, focusing on the burn and the beating of his own heart. He refused to cry. “I’m just being a dick. Don’t worry about it-”

Felix felt the cigarette get knocked out of his hand as Chan pulled him into a proper kiss, his entire upper body being tilted yet held steady by Chan’s strong arms. He let his lips part, sighing into Chan’s mouth as the older boy tasted the monster and the smoke on his tongue. It was like the first night, when Chan kissed him on the bench, except this time there was sun shining down on them, and Felix felt like he was going to cry.

There was no cover of darkness, or feeling of being in a bubble to protect him from the feelings raging in his chest. There was no wall of anonymity between him and Chan - they were no longer strangers that met on the bridge. Chan had seen his scars, and had seen him cry. Chan had cried for him and had held him as though he was something precious. Chan was no long just a quick fuck.

No, Felix had fallen. Hard.

And fuck, now he was crying.

“Shh, it’s alright baby,” Chan hummed holding Felix close as the smaller boy sobbed even harder. Why was Chan so nice? Why was he so damn understanding? “You’re okay kitten. I’m right here.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Why are you apologizing?” Chan chuckled a little, wiping the tears from Felix’s flushed cheeks. The cigarette he had dropped still burned by their feet, smoke rising and dancing through the air without a care in the world.

“I wasn’t supposed to get so attached,” He admitted almost silently. He felt Chan’s hand pause on his cheek before continuing to wipe the tears away, each droplet instantly being replaced as he did so. “I-I... me and love don’t go together. We just don’t. I’ve tried in the past, and I’ve given up because I’m tired of letting myself get hurt... so why do you make my stupid chest hurt all the time, huh? Why do you keep making my-my heart flutter like some kind of stupid anime character.”

“Lix-” Chan looked torn between crying and something else.

“And whenever you text me I always get so happy and it’s so stupid because I can’t love you! If I love you, then-then...” He pulled away from Chan, his hands shaking as he shoved them in his hoodie pocket. “If I love you, then you can hurt me.”

“I would never-”

“How can you promise that?” Felix whirled around, his face pinched. Chan opened his mouth, as if to respond, only to click his jaw shut again. Felix scrubbed roughly at his face, his tears soaking into the fabric of the hoodie once more. “You can’t promise something like that... everyone who’s promised me that broke it.”

“I promise I’ll do whatever I can to keep you from getting hurt again,” Chan said quietly, not moving from his spot. Felix looked up from the ground, eyes wide and burning. What was Chan doing? “I promise that I’ll do everything in my power to make you happy, if you want me to. I can’t promise I won’t ever hurt you, but I can promise that I’ll never purposely do anything to upset you... I can promise that, if you let me, I’ll do whatever I can to make you feel loved - to finally convince you how-how wonderful you are.”

“Wh-why are you doing this?” Felix’s whisper made Chan wince. “Why are you t-trying so fucking hard? Don’t you get it? I’m... I’m not worth it. You said you wouldn’t regret meeting me, but I know that’s a lie too. Everyone regrets me... no matter how hard I try to improve myself and unlearn my toxic traits, I can see it - I can see it when it... when I become too much. And even now! I know how fucked up it is for me to be taking my own insecurities out on you like this because this is my problem to handle. You shouldn’t have to deal with me breaking down on the fucking roof, but here we are - all because I don’t fucking deserve to be loved-”

Chan swallowed the end of the sentence, kissing Felix into silence. As much as his brain screamed at him to get away - to run and never look back and never burden Chan like this again because Chan was so bright and wonderful and he shouldn’t have his light dampened by someone like him - but all Felix could do was give Chan control, allowing the older boy to kiss him and hold him tightly.

The kiss started to get messy, Chan biting Felix’s lip to coax pretty gasps and saliva dripping down Felix’s chin as Chan sucked on his tongue. It was dirty, and wet, and Felix was about ten seconds away from asking Chan to fuck him then and there. Two stories up was enough that no one would see them, right?

“Kitten, can I make you feel good?” Chan asked, bumping Felix’s jaw with his nose in a very cat-like manner.

“Please...” Felix couldn’t tell if the sound that came out of his mouth was a whimper or a sob, but in the end it didn’t matter because the moment Chan was kneeling in front of him, his strong hands undoing his belt as if he had done in hundreds of times already, every thought in his head was gone.

He couldn’t help but buck his hips forward into Chan’s mouth. He never realized it before that moment, but Felix had rarely been on the receiving end of a blowjob. He was normally - happily - the one giving them, but Chan knew exactly what he was doing with his tongue, curling it along the underside of his cock and hollowing his cheeks. In fact, Felix hadn’t had Chan’s dick in his mouth nearly enough for his liking, which was something he would have to remedy as soon as he could.

“Sh-shit-” Felix’s legs shook, threatening to give out as his fingers laced through Chan’s curls. The dark roots were growing in longer, and Felix thought it made Chan look even hotter somehow - anything Chan did was hot, and it was kind of unfair.

The only warning he was able to give before he came down Chan’s throat was a sharp tug of his hair and an almost pained whine that filled the air. Chan, ever the diligent partner, swallowed every drop and carefully licked Felix clean before tucking him back into his pants and redoing his belt to just the right notch.

“Wh-what about you?” Felix asked, sounding like he had just run across campus.

“Making you feel good is all that matters to me,” Chan smiled, kissing the younger boy carefully. Felix was the one to deepen it, wanting to taste himself on Chan’s tongue. It was bitter, but Chan was sweet enough to balance it out. “I can get off whenever I want, but seeing that look on your face? Because of me? It’s my favorite thing.”

“Chan-” Felix covered his face, his entire body burning.

“What? It’s true,” He grinned, his smile brighter than the sun could ever hope to be, before he took Felix’s hands from his face, holding them firmly in his own. “Felix... I know you’re scared to fall in love. Fuck, so am I - at the convenience store, with that asshole... the second I heard him talking like that to you, I wanted to jump across the counter and beat the shit out of him... I’ve always been protective over my friends, but you were instantly different. I wanted to- I wanted to take care of you the instant you looked at me. Do you have any idea how stunning you are in the moonlight?”

“What?” Felix’s heart had stopped working entirely.

“Everyone calls freckles ‘sun kisses’,” Chan traced Felix’s own freckles with the tip of his finger, the touch almost nonexistent. “But with the moon... you looked like something from another world. Minho made fun of me when I said this, but that night? I think I understood why someone would worship another person, because that’s all I’ve wanted to do since I met you.”

“You talked about me with hyung?” Felix blinked at him.

“Are you kidding me? He tried to smother me with a pillow because I wouldn’t shut up about you,” Chan chuckled, and for a moment, Felix forgot why he was upset. “It hasn’t even been a week and you’ve already managed to make me yours. You really had no idea the kind of power you have, do you?”

“Mine?”

“Yours, if you’ll have me,” Chan whispered, and for the first time, Felix could hear genuinely insecurity behind his words. “I was going to wait till our picnic to ask you out for real, but if the universe decided now was my time...”

“Who are we to go against the universe?” Felix laughed, his eyes stinging again. He leaned in and kissed Chan before resting his forehead on the older boy’s shoulder and letting out a laugh, disguised as a sob. “I want to be yours too...”

“Who would have guessed that the two delinquents were such sappy assholes?” Chan hugged Felix tightly, almost shaking from nerves and joy - had he been that anxious about asking Felix out?

“I know, right?” Felix giggled against the kiss. “Look at us - we’re so scary and hard core. Who would’ve thought we could be so soft?”

“Shh, we can’t let anyone know,” Chan tried to kiss Felix again, only for his smile to be too wide. “We have a reputation to keep up.”

Felix wanted to stay there forever - wrapped in Chan’s arms with the sun warming them and the real world so far away - but he knew they couldn’t. Maybe one day, but at the moment there was a project sitting in a studio room that was calling Chan’s name.

“How much more do you have to do on your song?” Felix asked, his words muffled against Chan’s shoulder.

“Not much,” Chan answered with a content sigh. “Mostly just need my partners to double check their parts so we can submit it.”

“If you finish your work, we can go back to your apartment and we could... play around a little?” Felix pulled back and grinned at Chan, raising one eyebrow suggestively - just like Jisung taught both him and Hyunjin to do. “See which of our kinks line up?”

“You drive a hard bargain,” Chan giggled - Felix’s heart jumped at the sound - and held out his hand. Felix tucked the cigarette pack into his pocket and took the older boy’s hand as easily as he had the night they met. “I’ll make sure to work extra hard so I can get my reward later.”

“That’s my good boy.” Felix grinned impishly when he noticed just how red Chan’s ears were. Oh, how interesting~

They made their way back to the studio. True to Chan’s words, their stuff hadn’t been touched at all, everything still sitting out in the open the way it had been left. Chan settled in his seat and instantly started typing again, his brow furrowing as he slipped back into producer mode. Felix packed his own books up, not having any drive to do anymore stupid school work when he would must rather watch Chan make magic.

“WHAT’S UP SLUT?” The door flung open, bouncing off the wall padding and almost smacking whoever was walking in in the face.

“Jesus fuck-” Felix hissed, nearly throwing his phone across the studio in shock. He looked up and felt a surprised shout leave his mouth as he stood.

“Felix?” Jisung screeched, pointing at his friend as if he had never seen Felix’s face a day in his life.

“Jisung?” Felix pointed back.

“Holy shit we’re the spiderman meme,” Jisung grinned before his eyes narrowed. “Wait a second, why are you here?”

“Why are you here?” Felix fired back. A second boy slipped around Jisung and went to watch the interaction with Chan, who had pulled his headphones off the second he heard the door slam open.

“I’m here to work on my project,” Jisung said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. “So why are you-”

Jisung cut himself off, his eyes widening almost comically. His gaze slowly dragged from Felix to Chan, who was chuckling in his chair. There was a beat of silence, and then-

“Holy fuck,” He breathed, his shoulders slumping. “Is... is Channie hyung the guy you were telling me about?”

His voice went up at the end, almost breaking in a silent plea for Felix to say ‘ppft no, of course not’ but of course, that never came.

“Um, y-yeah...” Felix could feel a blush burning from the roots of his hair down to his toes - how was he supposed to know Jisung knew Chan!? He realized belatedly that he never actually used Chan’s name, and when he was describing what he looked like, Jisung had been high as fuck. He hadn’t meant to be vague!

“Oh my god,” Jisung’s head whipped over to Chan. “He’s the one that made you cum twice in a row? He’s the one that mauled you?”

“Sung!” Chan wheezed, his own face about as red as Felix’s was.

“This whole time, I was cheering on my two best friends,” Jisung sounded faint. “I told you to marry him! Jesus Christ! Chan hyung, you’re an animal! How could you be so rough on poor Felix? He was a mess when he came home to his husbands! Oh my god, Felix told me all about how good hyung is at giving head. This whole time I was jealous when it was Channie hyung?”

“I think you broke him hyung.” The new boy snickered, his dark hair falling over his eyes as he watched Jisung have a mental breakdown in the middle of the room.

“I didn’t know he knew Felix,” Chan defended himself weakly. “What are the odds?”

“The universe must be laughing its ass off at us.” Felix chuckled and glanced back at Chan, who threw his head back in his own burst of laughter. Felix caught Chan’s eye and they shared a single moment where no one else in the world existed. They might not have their bubble by the bridge, but the universe said they could have this one thing.

“Hyung...” Jisung took a step towards Chan, who looked over, his grin fading when he saw the look on the younger boy’s face. Felix felt his eyes widen too - in all the months he had known the other boy, he had never once seen Jisung look so... deadly serious.

“Sung?” Chan stood so he could properly look his friend in the eye.

“I swear to god, if you hurt him, I’ll fucking kill you,” He said, no hint of teasing in his tone at all. Felix felt a shiver go down his spine - he didn’t know Jisung could be so scary. Chan blinked, seeming to be just as shocked. “Felix is the brightest person I know, and you make him cry, I-I’ll make sure you regret it.”

“Jisung-” The other boy started, cut off only when Chan held a hand up.

“I promised him, and I’ll promise you,” He said, his own voice just as serious as Jisung’s was. “I’ll never purposely hurt him. I- he means way too much to me to ever want to make him cry.”

“I know you’d never do it on purpose, but it doesn't matter if it’s just an accident,” Jisung answered, his eyes still dark as he stared his hyung down. “This is your only warning.”

“I understand.” Chan nodded. There was a beat of silence before Jisung nodded back, sealing their deal. In an instant, Jisung spun around with a bright grin, and the tension in the room vanished.

“Ah, my widdle baby Lixie found himself such a good mans~” He cooed, wrapping his arms around Felix’s neck, earning a chuckle from his friend. Felix wrapped his arms around the other boy’s slim waist, letting Jisung nuzzle his cheeks like a cat - something Jisung tended to do a lot when he was high. “Yet another man for your harem.”

“I don’t have a harem!” Felix explained, grinning wide. He couldn’t help it - Jisung’s good moods were always contagious.

“Well, you have me and Jinnie already wrapped around your finger,” He wrinkled his nose playfully. “And clearly Channie hyung is clearly whipped as fuck. I give it till the end of the day before Changbin hyung is also in love with you.”

“I’m not getting in the middle of this,” The boy - Changbin - put his hands up in front of his body, earning a chuckle from Chan. “I’m not going to steal hyung’s boyfriend.”

“Hey, that was an accident-” Jisung threw himself at Changbin, smacking the boy’s arm as he chuckled, seemingly very used to Jisung’s antics.

“Should I ask or...” Felix trailed off, going to stand next to Chan.

“We both hooked up with the same girl,” Chan chuckled, watching the mock fight with fond eyes. Felix hid a snicker behind his hand. “She didn’t tell either of us that she was seeing other people, so when we found out, he decided that we had to be best friends.”

“Yeah, that sounds like him.” Felix sat on Chan’s lap, preening at how Chan instantly wrapped his arms around his waist. He was reminded of his fantasy from before, and knew they couldn’t do anything of the sort with Jisung and Changbin there...

That didn’t stop Felix from teasing the older boy a little.

“I don’t know if I like that look.” Chan chuckled when Felix turned to give him a shit-eating grin. Felix just giggled and shifted so he could whisper in Chan’s ear.

“I was just thinking...” His tongue darted out to lick along Chan’s ear for half a beat. “It would be fun to be hyungie’s little cockwarmer while he works... would you like that, Channie?”

“You’re an asshole.” Chan groaned, letting his forehead thump against Felix’s shoulder as the younger boy erupted in laughter.

Jisung and Changbin came over, already talking about their project, but by the way Chan’s fingers were digging into his sides, Felix knew he was in for an exciting evening.

Chapter Text

Felix found himself looking down at the raging river, his feet dangling over the edge as he sat perched on the railing, like usual. The water churned violently below him, but it wasn’t nearly as relaxing as it had been in the past. Actually, he had been even more on edge than ever before - two days after he realized Jisung and Chan were friends, and

Felix felt a pressure growing heavier and heavier on his chest.

He choked back a sob - why was he fucking crying? He was fine!

He hated when this happened - he could be feeling perfectly normal, but then the next morning he wakes up and feels like he was a waste of breath. He hated when this happened - he hated himself so fucking much. Why couldn’t he just be normal?

Hyunjin told him to come to him whenever Felix felt this way, but how could he? How could he bother Hyunjin at two in the morning because he was a pathetic piece of shit? He didn’t deserve Hyunjin’s care or worry. The other boy was fast asleep - Felix knew this because he had been passed out when he snuck out, and once Hyunjin fell asleep, next to nothing could wake him.

“I could do it...” He muttered to himself, hiccupping through a sob. His tears dripped down his chin, being swallowed up in the river below him. Why was he even hesitating?

Nothing fucking mattered anymore-

He suddenly wanted Chan so badly he thought he might throw up.

are you awake?

It was two in the morning. If Chan was awake, he was probably working on something - of course he wouldn’t have time for Felix-

always XD what’s up kitten?

Did Felix deserve to bother Chan? Chan was so wonderful and talented and loving - he was wasting his affections on Felix. It was pity... right? It had to be - there’s no other reason he would spend so much time with someone like Felix.

He was pretty pitiful. It was pathetic, really.

Lix? Everything okay?

Why was Chan so nice? What did Felix do to deserve being treated like this? Part of him wanted Chan to curse him out, or hit him, or anything that would hurt him like he fucking deserved-

Felix’s phone started to ring.

“Hello?” He answered, his whole body numb.

“Hey there baby,” Chan’s voice made his chest burn. How was he able to make Felix relax, even through a phone call. “What’re you doing up so late?”

“...nothin’,” Felix muttered, looking out across the river. He wondered if he would die on impact, on the rocks that the water crashed over, or if he would drown slowly. “Don’t worry.”

“I’m on my way,” Chan said, the sound of footsteps coming from the other line. “Don’t move, okay kitten?”

“I’m fine,” Felix couldn’t let Chan see him. He couldn’t let Chan worry about him. He didn’t deserve to have Chan worry about him. “Don’t worry.”

“And that just makes me worry more,” Chan’s voice was rough. “You’re on the bridge, right? I can hear the water.”

“It doesn’t matter...”

“Felix, baby, I need you to stay on the call, okay?” Chan sounded scared. It made Felix cry harder. Who was he to make Chan scared? To make Chan sad? He never should have let himself get close to the older boy - he knew he would be nothing but a burden on him. Maybe he should have just snuck out that morning, not hesitating to make the bed or leave a note. He would have never met Minho again. He never would have gotten so attached to Chan, when all he deserved was to be fucked and abandoned.

How long would it take for Chan to abandon him, just like all the others? No one ever stayed with him. He was still waiting for Hyunjin and Jisung to give up on him. At this point, he was almost convinced it was all a sick joke they were playing on him. See how long they could trick the idiot into thinking they care about him...

“Lix, baby,” Chan ran up behind him, panting heavily. Felix just glanced to the side, not bothering to turn his head all the way. He looked back over the river without a word.

“Kitten? Can you look at me?”

“Go away.” He felt like a broken record. 

“Why do you want me to leave?”

“...” Felix’s eyes felt like they were burning. He had been crying for a while now, so why did the tears feel so scalding all of a sudden? He refused to let himself look Chan in the face - he knew he would absolutely break down if he did.

Was Chan only there out of... obligation? Did the older boy feel obligated to take care of Felix, after everything he dumped on him that first night? He had talked about his shitty trauma, and now Chan felt like he had to care about Felix.

Once again, he had cornered someone into loving him. How long would it take for him to escape Felix’s manipulative grip?

God, that’s all Felix ever did, wasn’t it?

Manipulate people. Trick them into caring. Twist things to make him seem pitiful and weak so people would love him.

“Baby, can you step off the railing?” Chan asked quietly, one hand on Felix’s wrist and the other on the small of his back. Felix didn’t like hearing Chan sound so scared. It was all his fault. All he did was worry his friends.

As much as he wanted to rip away from Chan’s touch and let himself finally fall into the river, Felix allowed himself to be pulled from the railing. He felt the wood against his back as he leaned against the rungs of the bridge. Chan knelt in front of him, his brow pinched in worry.

“Felix? Can you hear me?”

“I’m fine...” His own voice sounded tinny. It was like the world was far away, everything muffled and echoing, as if he were trapped in a bubble.

“What can I do angel? Please talk to me.”

“I’m fine.” Felix weakly slapped away Chan’s hand. He didn’t deserve Chan fretting over him like this. Maybe if he showed Chan what a bad person he really was, the older boy would finally leave him like he should have that first night.

He remembered he had brought the pack of cigarettes with him. He ignored Chan’s pleading look as he pulled one out and lit it. The pack was almost empty, between their first night together, and the afternoon on the roof. Before leaving his dorm, his plan was to finish the pack on his own to try and curve the feeling boring down on him.

He never meant for Chan to find him like this.

Chan stayed silent as Felix let his head fall back onto the post, a slow exhale of smoke separating them like a brief wall. Felix made a point not to look at the older boy as he silently smoked, trying to focus on the burn in his throat and the nicotine in his system. He wished he had something stronger, like a joint, or some opioids.

All too soon he was snuffing the flame out on the wood next to him, letting the cigarette butt fall into the river.

“Felix, talk to me.”

“I’m... I’m fine,” He sighed, bringing his knees to his chest and resting his forehead on them. “Really. I’m just being fucking stupid.”

“You’re not stupid, kitten,” Chan retorted softly. “If something’s bothering you, you don’t have to downplay it... especially not with me.”

“I’m just feeling like shit, and I don’t know why...” And god damnit, tears were soaking into the knees of his sweatpants again. Fuck, he hated this.

“That’s okay,” Chan whispered, running a hand up and down Felix’s arm. “Emotions are stupid and don’t make any sense. You’re allowed to be upset for no reason...”

“I hate this,” Felix whimpered, pulling himself into a tighter ball. “I hate myself so fucking much... I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I just want it to fucking stop-”

He was cut off by a gentle kiss on the cheek. He reeled back, as if Chan had hit him, finally looking him in the eye. His stomach sank at the pure affection and concern in Chan’s expression.

“You’re going to be okay baby,” Chan whispered, shifting to sit next to Felix properly, their thighs pressed against one another as he tapped two cigarettes from the pack. He handed one to the younger boy before lighting his own and passing the lighter over as well. “Hitting rock bottom... it makes it feel like nothing’s worth fighting for, but if you think about it, you’ve survived each and every one of your worst days.”

“What’s the point?” Felix breathed a lungful of smoke into the night air. “We survive all our worst days just to... what? Go through it again? What’s the fucking point if you know there’s going to get bad again?”

“We have to keep fighting for the good times in between the bad ones,” Chan let his head fall back, looking up at the stars. “Yeah, it fucking sucks when we drop, but it’s the small moments that make it worth it.”

“Is it really worth it?” For a moment, there was silence, only the sound of the river rushing below them to fill the air.

“Feeling your heartbeat against my chest, the way you giggle when you’re embarrassed, the way the moon shines on the river. The feeling in my chest when me, and Binnie, and Sung are just fucking around in the studio. When Minho makes me coffee without me asking. When you take my hand without even looking. When you blush whenever I compliment you. When we make a universe joke and for a moment it feels like we’re the only two people in the world.” He listed, picking at a thread on his joggers.

“What’s all that?”

“The moments that made the bad times worth it for me,” Chan answered with a soft, almost hesitant smile. “What are some of yours, kitten?”

“I don’t know.”

“You have to have at least one.” Chan nudged Felix gently. Felix took a drag of his cigarette, holding the smoke in for as long as he could before letting it out slowly.

“When... when you call me pet names super casually...” He whispered after a heavy moment of silence. “It sounds so... so natural... I don’t get it.”

“What don’t you get?”

“Why are you so-so fucking nice to me?” Felix laced the fingers of his free hand through his bangs and tugged roughly, wanting - needing - the pain. “I’m- all I’m good for is a quick fuck and I just don’t understand why you keep me around.”

“Because I like you, Felix,” Chan murmured, gently pulling Felix’s hand away from his hair to keep him from hurting himself. “I really like you. I like spending time with you, and I like cuddling with you. I like kissing you, and I like making you feel good. I can’t really explain it... I just like you.”

“But why?” Felix stressed, his hands shaking. “I’m- I’m not good. I’m not a good person!”

“You might not think you are, but you’re lying to yourself. You force yourself to accept that you’re not good enough, or that you don’t deserve love, because you’re scared of getting hurt again, but that’s okay because I’m not going anywhere. I’m going to stay next to you until... until you don’t want me around anymore.”

“I just... I don’t-” Felix couldn’t find his words. He genuinely couldn’t understand why the older boy was being so persistent. He wasn’t worth the effort, so why was Chan talking to him so gently?

He was nothing but a burden, and the sooner Chan realized that, the better off they would both be. Chan was too good to bother with how much it would take to love Felix. No one wanted something as broken as Felix was, with his scars and sharp edges.

Felix felt the white-hot pain at the exact same moment that Chan roughly grabbed his wrists, all but pinning him against the bridge and hovering over him..

“Felix, what the fuck?” Chan shouted, his eyes wide and horrified. Felix hadn’t thought before pressing the end of the cigarette against his skin - he wanted the familiar pain and there was only one way he could get it.

“Let go Chan.” Felix struggled weakly.

“No, Felix, why would you-” He cut himself off and Felix closed his eyes, unable to face the older boy’s expression. It was all his fault that Chan was upset - he knew it. He caused nothing but pain for the people who made the mistake of caring about him. He never should have gotten close, because now Chan was crying because he was a complete and utter piece of fucking shit-

His self-deprecating thoughts were cut off by the feeling of rain on his cheeks. His eyes flew open just in time to see another tear drip off Chan’s chin, landing on his lip.

“I’m sorry,” Felix said the only thing he could think of. “I didn’t mean to do that... I d-don’t know why...”

“Come on, let’s go back to the apartment. I want to clean your burn.” Chan helped Felix to his feet before scooping him up, easily carrying the smaller boy as if he weighed about the same as a soaked blanket. Felix wrapped his arms around Chan’s neck, hiding his face as he was princess carried across campus.

Chan managed to open the doors without needing to put Felix down, unlocking his apartment while holding the smaller boy in a single arm. Felix didn’t want to be in the apartment, because that meant Chan was going to want to talk about what just happened and that was probably the last thing he wanted to do.

Felix was led towards the bathroom and sat on the closed toilet seat. He held a hand over the burn, the heat throbbing under the warmth of his palm. The pain only continued to grow the longer he kept his hand over it.

“Let me see, baby.” Chan whispered kneeling in front of Felix. He let the older boy take his arm, the small circle on display against his pale skin. Chan whispered apologies as he wiped the burn with an alcohol wipe, causing Felix to wince and try to pull away. Felix cried silently, but he wasn’t sure if it was because of the pain in his arm, or the pain in his chest.

Chan smeared some burn cream over the circle, and placed a large bandage over it, trying to keep the pad from pressing directly against the wound. After he threw the trash from the bandage out, he continued to kneel in front of Felix, neither boy saying a word.

“Are you tired, kitten?” Chan asked, taking Felix’s hand and running his thumb along the boy’s knuckles.

“Not really...”

“Do you want to lay down, even if we don’t sleep?”

“Mm... yes please.”

“My good boy,” Chan stood and kissed Felix’s forehead. He lifted Felix up again, this time wrapping his legs around his hips, his hands firmly under Felix’s thighs to keep him from slipping. Felix instantly curled his arms around Chan’s chest, clinging to him as if his life depended on it. “Here angel, get yourself comfortable, okay?”

“Channie...”

“Yes, pup?”

“Can you make me forget?” He asked, staring at Chan with all the vulnerability in his heart showing in his eyes. Chan looked closely at him for a moment before smiling softly and kneeling on the bed and pulling Felix close to him.

Once more, Felix clung to Chan desperately as the older boy kissed his way down Felix’s throat. Their shirts were quickly discarded, thrown to some random corner of the room as teeth sunk into willing skin.

Felix arched into Chan’s touch, silently keening as the older boy’s hands worked his body perfectly - he knew how to rile Felix up with as much skill as he worked on his editing program, as if he could do it in his sleep.

He wanted nothing more than to give in and let Chan take care of him, but the idea that he wasn’t worthy of the older boy’s affections tethered him, preventing him from floating into the clouds. All he wanted was to let go, but he was weighed down by his own uselessness. He could feel how Chan made a point not to put any pressure on the arm with the burn.

“You’re so pretty, kitten,” Chan whispered along Felix’s pulse point. He whined desperately as Chan’s fingers worked in and out of him, taking extra care to open him up properly. Felix almost wished he would just ram his cock in so he could revel in the pain of the stretch... but Chan would never hurt Felix like that. “Thank you Pixie... you make me feel so good. You’re so good for me, baby. I love you so much.”

Felix sobbed into the pillow. He would rather be face down, because at least then he wouldn’t have to see the obligated affection in Chan’s sparkling eyes - but he was on his back, and Chan was holding him so gently.

He hated this - he hated how Chan didn’t fuck him. Chan made love to him, and he hated it because this was all he ever wanted. All he ever wanted was to be loved and cared for, despite how broken he was.

He wanted someone who wasn’t afraid of his sharp edges. He thought maybe that person could be Chan, because they both had the same jagged lines, but Chan was still far too good for Felix.

Chan kissed along Felix’s jaw, licking away the tears as Felix closed his eyes tightly - why couldn’t he stop fucking crying?

“I’m so proud of you angel,” Chan whispered against Felix’s lips. “You’ve been fighting so hard... let hyung take care of you now... I’ll help you fight.”

Chan’s hips rolled smoothly, reaching deep inside of Felix with each thrust. Every jab to his prostate was pushing Felix closer and closer to the edge, but he couldn’t let it end so quickly - the moment he came, he would have to face the real world again.

“Channie, s-slower.” He begged. Chan hummed, reconnecting their lips in a careful, deep kiss as his thrusts became more deliberate, almost leisurely. He focused on making sure Felix could feel every drag of his cock inside of him.

“You feel so good, kitten,” Chan growled, sucking a harsh mark into Felix’s throat. It was almost agonizing, the pace Chan set, and Felix could feel his mind turning to sludge in his skull. “Can you turn around for me?”

Felix felt a disconnect between his mind and his body, but he did what he was told anyway. The second he was on his stomach, Chan pushed back in and laid directly on top of him, using his body weight to press him into the mattress.

He started sobbing in full when he felt the smallest ruts coming from Chan, the older boy focusing on kissing Felix’s shoulders and how their bodies were aligned perfectly. It was torturous, how shallow the thrusts were, but at the same time Felix had never felt more safe - was this why people used weighted blankets? Was this the comfort they felt? Chan pressed in deep and stilled, Felix practically able to feel the older boy’s heartbeat through his cock.

It was too intimate. Felix couldn’t handle it - it was driving him insane to feel so close to someone else. Chan held him down, rolling his hips just enough to make his body jerk with each thrust. He never wanted this to end, but at the same time...

He needed it to stop right now.

He couldn’t keep doing this - he couldn’t handle how warm Chan was, or how loved he made him feel. It would kill him to stay in Chan’s arms like this, as if he was deserving of this attention and love.

“P-please...”

“Please what, Pixie?” Chan’s breath was hot against his ear, sending a shiver down his spine.

“W-wanna cum-” Felix’s eyes flew open as Chan instantly started pounding into him, and within moments he was tensing, releasing on Chan’s sheets as his entire body went limp. Chan held him close, whispering praise as he wiped the younger boy’s stomach and ass down.

Felix had passed out, so Chan carefully grabbed a towel from the floor and covered the wet spot below them. He tugged a hoodie over Felix’s head, pressing a kiss to the now hidden bandage, his own heart trembling in pain as he recalled the look on Felix’s face as he pressed the cigarette into his arm.

He looked... so dead. It terrified Chan, because he was so familiar with that expression - the same expression that greeted him daily leading up to his suicide attempt. Seeing Felix sitting on the edge of the railing made his entire body tense - would he be too late? Would he not be able to save Felix in time?

Would he watch Felix fall into the water, his arm outstretched and Felix purposely not grabbing it. Would Felix have been crying? Numb?

Smiling?

Chan pulled Felix closer as he laid them down. Pulling the blanket up over their shoulders, he allowed himself a moment to focus on the feeling of Felix’s heartbeat against his own. He tried to remember the rhythm of the younger boy’s life.

“Oh Lix...” He whispered, a tear rolling down his cheek and soaking into Felix’s hair. He finally closed his eyes and let himself drift off, his body subconsciously holding the smaller boy to his chest.

Felix watched Chan’s chest rising and falling steadily. The older boy was fast asleep, none the wiser that Felix was not only awake, but had silent tears running down his cheeks. He looked so peaceful in his sleep. Felix reached out and traced Chan’s features with feather light touches, trying to memorize every single freckle on the older boy’s face.

No matter what happened, he could never talk to Chan again. Chan didn’t deserve the burden of taking care of Felix, and he was aware of that. He had made Chan cry - he had caused Chan to hurt.

Chan, who was his moon - he shined so beautifully, and gave Felix such a feeling of peace and calm. The sun filled him with warmth, and Chan brought him soft moonlight and shared laughter, and cigarette smoke on tongues.

He slipped out of the bed and quickly got changed. This time, he didn’t leave a note before he snuck from the apartment. Minho’s door was closed, so there was no one to witness him creeping out the front door.

It wasn’t quite morning, but the birds were just starting to wake up. He could faintly see the horizon barely starting to lighten as he rushed across campus. His entire body ached, but not nearly as bad as his heart did.

Chan made him so happy, but he didn’t deserve to be happy.

He pushed his way into his dorm, not expecting the light to be on. He didn’t even realize Hyunjin was awake, the feeling of a plushie smacking him in the side of the face breaking him from his trance.

“Where have you been-” Hyunjin cut himself off, his eyes widening comically as he rushed forward. He tried to brush Felix’s tears away, but more instantly replaced them. What scared him the most was the completely apathetic look on his best friend’s face. Felix looked like a doll, no emotion at all behind his tears. “Wh-what happened? Lix? Did Chan hyung do something? Did he hurt you?”

Felix broke at that question. He sobbed loudly, feeling his entire world crashing down around his ears. He collapsed to his knees, not caring that pain shot up his legs from the sudden impact. Hyunjin fell next to Felix, trying to comfort him in some way. A feeling of hopelessness bubbled in Hyunjin’s throat.

He was terrified...

Was he going to lose Felix for good?

Hyunjin squared his jaw and held Felix closer, letting him sob brokenly into his shoulder.

He was going to protect his friend from whatever hurt him, no matter what.

Chapter Text

Felix checked his phone. Class started three minutes ago.

Perfect.

He slipped into the lecture hall, ignoring the stares as he made his way to one of the only open seats left, all the way in the back. His professor looked at him, her brows furrowing a little, but what really hurt was the look on Seungmin’s face as Felix refused to sit next to him for the second class in a row.

The last time Seungmin had seen Felix, he was rushing back to his dorm to comfort his roommate, and now... a week later and the freckled boy seemed to have shut down completely - even when the professor tried to get him to answer a question, he would just stare blankly at his desk and stay silent. Eventually, she gave up.

He didn't know why he bothered to show up anymore. Nothing fucking mattered...

He wanted to go to the bridge, but ever since he had gone back to the dorm and broke down in tears, Hyunjin had barely let Felix out of his sight. He never managed to tell his best friend what happened that night, but Hyunjin was smart enough to connect the silent dots. He knew something happened between Felix and Chan, but until he knew what it was, he was going to protect Felix from that asshole.

Felix knew both Chan and Jisung had tried to visit him, but Hyunjin acted as his guard, keeping the outside world away from him.

Class ended without Felix having taken a single note. He was so fucking tired, but Hyunjin wouldn’t let him drink energy drinks anymore. He knew Felix just a little too well, and knew Felix would try to hurt himself by drinking too many - it wouldn’t have been the first time he had done it, and Hyunjin was more than aware of that.

And Felix was aware too - aware that the scissors and pencil sharpeners went missing from his and Hyunjin’s desk. He was aware of how Hyunjin would flinch anytime Felix moved too fast, as if he were on edge - as if he was preparing to stop Felix from doing something dangerous to himself. He was aware of how Hyunjin managed to walk him to and from class, even when he was supposed to be in lecture himself.

Hyunjin was skipping his own classes, or going in late at least, just to make sure his best friend was safe...

From himself.

“Felix!” Seungmin called out to him as the students filed from the classroom. He walked a little faster, trying to make a beeline for Hyunjin, who was already waiting just outside of the lecture hall.

“Hey there baby.” Hyunjin smiled softly, holding his arms out. Felix instantly buried his face in his friend’s shoulder, hiding himself from Seungmin’s begging eyes.

“Wanna go back.” He muttered, his voice rough and low.

“Felix, wait for a second-” Seungmin tried to approach them, only to stop dead from the look Hyunjin was giving him.

“I don’t know who you are, but leaving him alone right now is what’s going to help him.” He frowned at how Felix seemed to curl into his arms more.

“But-”

“Come on, Lix, let’s go home.” Hyunjin slipped off his jacket and wrapped it around the other boy’s shoulders, knowing it would give Felix a little comfort. Felix just nodded, his exhausted eyes glued to the floor.

Seungmin watched Hyunjin escort Felix away, a sour feeling brewing in his stomach at how small Felix was trying to make himself. Jeongin had said the same thing - that maybe Felix just needed a little space, but it didn’t stop the unease from bothering Seungmin.

He wanted to help, but it seemed Felix was trying to push him away entirely.

“Jin, I love you but you don’t have to hover over my shoulder.” Felix sighed from his desk, his laptop open but the document that was supposed to be his essay blinked blankly at them.

“I know,” Hyunjin looked hesitant. “I just-”

“You can go do what you need to do,” He didn’t look away from the screen. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“But-”

“I’m not going to off myself in the two hours it’ll take you to get your shit done,” he didn’t mean to snap, but he was tired and he hated that he was the one pulling the usually bright boy down with him. Why was he so fucked up? Hyunjin didn’t deserve to have to babysit someone as useless as him. “I have to write this essay...”

“I love you Lix,” Hyunjin sighed. He went over to his friend and hugged him from behind, pressing a kiss to the top of his head. “I’ll bring back something to munch on, okay? I know you haven’t eaten today.”

“I’m not hungry...”

“I know, but you still have to eat.” Hyunjin waited for a response, fully well knowing he wouldn’t get one. He let out a heavy sigh before petting Felix’s hair and grabbing his wallet and keys. Felix heard him hesitate before leaving, the door clicking shut and submerging him in suffocating silence.

It was already so late, and most of the stores on campus would be closed by now. He hated that Hyunjin had to wait until it was almost midnight to get anything done, because he needed to babysit Felix to make sure the smaller boy didn’t do something stupid.

At least he was allowed some time to himself now...

Before he could even enjoy the quiet, his phone started to ring. He glanced at the contact and declined it. He loved Jisung, but he couldn’t handle talking to him.

Lix, please I need to talk to you

A text came through immediately after. Felix knew Jisung was being serious, because there were no emojis or misspellings.

When we were talking about your hookup before I knew it was hyung...
Felix, did Channie hyung really try to kill himself?

Tears tell onto his screen. He had forgotten he had let that detail slip. How could he have betrayed Chan like that? No wonder he was such a disappointment. Chan had told him that in confidence - he said Felix and Minho were the only people in the world that knew about his attempt, but because Felix was a disgusting, piece of shit worthless, undeserving friend-

This is why he blocked Chan’s number. He didn’t deserve to talk to the older boy when he was such a pathetic, manipulative asshole.

“Why... why do I always fucking ruin everything?” Felix ground out, more tears dripped down his face. As suffocated as he was with Hyunjin constantly next to him, at least with his friend there, he wasn’t alone.

Now that he was alone, there was nothing to distract him from the thoughts in his head, screaming at him-

His skin itched. He only had two cigarettes left, but he knew that wouldn’t be enough to scratch that itch. No, he knew what he needed, but he was scared to do it. He had tried so fucking hard to stay clean, but it hurt even worse.

He had hurt himself almost everyday in high school, only trying to attempt to stop after the first time Hyunjin walked in on him covered in blood, sobbing pitifully. It had been two full years after they had met, and he hadn’t a single clue the entire time.

He had known of Felix’s depression - he had held his best friend as he cried himself to sleep more times than he could count - but self-harm? It never crossed Hyunjin’s mind to question why Felix never got changed in front of him. It never dawned on him to ask why his friend would flinch when the choreography for their dance team would have him slap his thighs or boost others up.

Felix had been clean for two years before the night he pressed the cigarette to his arm, which he tried to convince himself didn’t count. He hadn’t cut himself, so it didn’t count... right?

Of course it did. Of course it counted, because he was worthless and pathetic and couldn’t do anything right. Because he couldn’t keep himself from hurting himself like some sort of psychopath-

Flex slammed his laptop shut and grabbed the cigarettes and lighter, leaving him phone and wallet on his bed.

There was nothing in the dorm to hurt himself with, and he silently cursed Hyunjin out for being so damn thorough. It wasn’t like Hyunjin actually cared about him, right? All this time, it was all out of obligation. Hyunjin pitied him, and felt he needed to take care of Felix because he was useless, and couldn’t do anything right.

The only thing he could do was manipulate and hurt other people.

Felix left the dorm. Hyunjin would be fine, if something happened to him, and it wasn’t like he was actually planning on doing anything. Even if Hyunjin was just a friend out of obligation, it would still hurt him if anything happened to Felix.

Even if it was just for a little while. Felix didn’t want Hyunjin to be sad.

Even if it was just over someone as insignificant as Felix.

The walk to the bridge was second nature. He didn’t even realize where his feet were taking him as he tapped out one of the last two cigarettes. Lighting it was easy, the soft glow of the fire somehow more comforting than anything in his life in the last couple of days.

The moon watched over him, her light guiding him towards his only safe place in the world. The river beckoned to him, its song dangerously inviting.

Felix found he didn’t even have the energy to sit up on the railing like he normally did, but rather he just leaned against the wooden railing, resting his head on his arm, letting the smoke curl up into his greasy bangs. He had meant to shower before going to bed, but he snuck out of the dorm instead.

The smoke burn didn’t do anything. He had hoped he would at least feel something, but there was nothing. He hated feeling numb - it made him wonder if he was even real at all, or if he was just floating around in a fake world.

His stomach dropped in the way it always did when he began to contemplate his own existence. Did he deserve to live? What did he ever do that was worthy of existing? He took up space, and food, and the time of others. How much happier would Hyunjin be if he never bothered to befriend Felix?

He would have heard about some kid in his grade killing himself, but he wouldn’t have had any kind of connection to it. It would be sad, in passing, but he would have moved on and forgotten all about the boy he vaguely knew at some point. He did nothing but bring everyone around him down, ruining their happiness with his bullshit-

“It’s beautiful out.” An achingly familiar voice said. Felix jumped, dropping the cigarette out of his mouth. He watched it tumble into the river below them, getting instantly swallowed up, never to be seen again.

“Chan...”

“I knew you’d come back, eventually,” He said, smiling sadly up at the moon. “I... I guess me being persistent finally paid off.”

“What do you mean?” Even Felix could hear how apathetic his own voice was.

“I knew if I waited long enough, you’d come back to the bridge.”

Felix closed his eyes, fighting back the burn. Had Chan...

Had Chan been waiting for him? Every night, just praying he would happen to run into the younger boy? Why would he even care that much? It didn’t make sense - he was nothing. He was less than nothing, so why was Chan trying to fucking hard? Why wouldn’t Chan just give up on him, like he had given up on himself long ago?

“Why are you doing this?” He croaked, not letting himself cry.

“What do you mean?”

“Why are you trying so hard?” His throat stung. “We both know I’m not worth it... so why are you trying so fucking hard?”

“Because... because you’re important to me.”

“No I’m not,” Felix snapped, his face pinching in a grimace. “Stop- stop fucking lying to me! You don’t-”

Of course he didn’t. There was no way Chan actually cared about him like that. Chan just pitied him, or worse, he-

He was using Felix.

He was using Felix to fuck, and take advantage of. It wasn’t like Felix gave him any reason to believe he was anything but a whore. On the very first night they had met, Felix had gone home with the older boy. He had let Chan touch him, making him cum and writhe and moan, before even knowing Chan’s birthday. He didn’t even know Chan’s celebrity status on campus until days afterwards.

Felix had practically thrown himself at Chan, and then allowed himself to get hurt because he thought maybe - just maybe - he could let himself to accept love. It would make sense for Chan to see Felix as a couple of warm holes to fuck, so why was he trying to trick him into thinking he cared?

“Fuck... I’ve been so fucking stupid-”

“Felix, please-”

“Do you love me, Chan?” Felix whispered, making the older boy freeze. “Could you love me? Eventually?”

Felix watched Chan’s face, seeing how his eyes widened and his mouth dropped open and how the rushing of the water below them seemed to swallow their heartbeats.

He could hear the blood rushing in his ears. Chan continued to stare at him, his mouth moving as if trying to speak but not having the words to do so. Time seemed to stop as they stared at each other.

Why did he even bother asking that? He knew the answer. He let out a low chuckle and ran a hand through his bangs.

“Nevermind... of course you don’t.”

He turned and ran from the bridge, leaving Chan standing above the raging river, frozen in complete shock. By the time his brain started working again...

“FELIX-” He shouted, but it was too late. The boy had already disappeared over the hill, leaving Chan alone under the moon.

Did he love Felix? He didn’t know - he didn’t know if he even knew what love was supposed to feel like, but he knew losing Felix would be like losing a part of himself. The moment he saw the younger boy, Chan felt drawn to him, and each time they hung out it seemed that he found yet another reason to hold Felix close.
But now...

“What the fuck is wrong with me?” He growled, running in the direction Felix went. “I... why did I freeze?”

He needed to find Felix, and fast.

Pulling out his phone, he sent a message to the chat he had with Minho, Changbin, and Jisung - it had just been the three producers, but Minho forcibly added himself so he could nag them to eat and sleep.

Felix is gone and I’m scared he’s going to do something dangerous. We need to find him now

Within seconds, he got a response from Jisung.

Felix??? Me and Jinnie have been looking for him for the last hour he disappeared when Jin went out to do shit

A second text came through, from Jisung again.

Jin is texting Felix’s other friends to help us look

Chan was terrified, but he needed to keep focused. He needed to find Felix before it was too late, because if Felix did anything to himself...
It would be Chan’s fault.

Felix had been relying on Chan - he had been silently begging Chan to reassure him, and promise that things would be okay, and Chan just... froze. Felix laid his heart out for him, and he left the boy standing in silence.

No wonder Felix ran.

“I’m not losing you.” Chan growled, the sound of his sneakers slapping against pavement echoing across the empty campus.

Felix stopped running after a while, his side stitching up in pain. He looked around, surprised to find himself on the complete opposite side of campus, near the convenience store - it was about a mile from the bridge, and he had run the whole thing? No wonder he was panting so hard.

The moon seemed to mock him. What once brought him comfort now made him want to scream - all he could think of was Chan and his stupid smile and his stupid dimples and the stupid way he looked as Felix as though the younger boy was everything he ever needed in this life.

And it was painful because Chan made his decision. He stayed silent, and Felix couldn’t stay there any longer. He couldn’t watch Chan finally push him away, like he should have done the moment he met Felix

His footsteps seemed to echo as he walked across the street, not bothering to look for cars. Even if it hadn’t been two in the morning and no one ever drove so late, he wouldn’t have cared if he got hit.

Maybe then his body would hurt as badly as his heart did. Maybe if the car hit him hard enough, he could forget about everything - he could get a fresh start, without craving Chan’s lips on his at all times of the day.

“Hey there cupcake,” A disgustingly familiar voice called out to him. “Where’s your stupid boyfriend? Did you dump his ass?”

Felix looked up, his own chest aching at how apathetic his face was. He could feel it, but there was nothing he could do. He couldn’t smile, or frown, or scream to the universe and curse it out for making his life so fucking impossible to survive.

“I just got off,” The boy grinned lecherously. Felix blinked silently. “I could make you feel better than that asshole ever did. Whadda say baby? Want to come back with me?”

Felix shrugged. It wasn’t like it mattered. Chan didn’t love him, and he wasn’t going to accomplish anything in his life. The boy grinned wider and took Felix’s hand, pulling him towards the second set of university apartments. Felix’s eyes numbly looked over at the first building, on the other side of the river.

He wondered if Chan went back to his own place. He wondered if Minho was still awake to welcome him. Maybe they’d laugh about how stupid Felix was for falling in love with Chan so easily.

Lips on his brought Felix back to reality. He hadn’t even realized they made it to the elevator of the apartment building until he blinked. The boy kissed him harder, and it was nothing like the way Chan kissed him.

This kiss was harsh, borderline painful. The boy didn’t guide the kiss, but rather took it over completely, shoving his tongue into Felix’s mouth and gripping his slim waist in a bruising hold. The boy tasted like stale cigarettes and cheap convenience store food. It wasn’t anything like the taste of smoke and monster on Chan’s tongue.

Felix choked back a sob, which the boy seemed to take as a gasp. They shuffled into an apartment, the door slamming behind them. The boy growled into Felix’s lips, his hands wandering roughly up and down Felix’s body.

He felt disgusting, but it didn’t matter. He didn’t care.

He didn’t care?

He didn’t fucking care-

With a growl of his own, Felix used the element of surprise to spin the boy around, pinning him to the bed. The boy gasped in shock, looking up at Felix with arousal and confusion as the smaller boy stared down at him with a bloodthirsty grin.

Felix dove down again, bruising the boy’s lips as he grabbed at his clothing. He felt the boy’s shirt rip, but he didn’t care. He shoved his knee between the boy’s legs, watching him jerk and suck in a sharp breath at the sudden rush of pleasure and pain. Felix bit down his throat, burying his teeth into the boy’s skin until he whimpered under him.

He used one hand to keep the boy’s hands pinned above his head as he used his other to undo the button on his jeans. The boy wiggled, the arousal on his face quickly changing into something else.

The boy’s face screwed up as Felix grabbed his dick through his underwear.

“S-stop!” He cried, tears running down his face. Felix did as he was told, sitting back on his heels and looking down at him. The boy curled up, hiding his bare chest. “I- this isn’t wh-what I wanted to do-”

“I’ll go then,” Felix murmured, stepping off the bed. “Because that’s what you do when someone doesn’t want to keep going. You don’t pressure them, or say things that make them feel like a piece of meat, because stop means stop.”

“I’m sorry...” He looked at Felix, tears glistening on his eyelashes. “I sh-should have taken the hint. Fuck-”

“Just... get your shit together,” Felix paused at the door. “If you don’t like how you feel right now, think about how your fucking flirting always makes me feel.”

“I’m sorry-”

Felix left. Part of him was screaming at him for being so cruel, but he just didn’t fucking care anymore. After almost two years of being harassed by that guy, he finally had his chance to get back at him. Hopefully now that boy will take this and learn from it, because if he kept doing that shit, someone else would put him in his place, and they wouldn’t be as kind as Felix had been.

He couldn’t go back to his dorm. There was something dangerous simmering under his skin and the last thing he wanted to do was be confronted by Hyunjin and end up snapping at his friend - the last thing he wanted was to hurt Hyunjin.

Because if he hurt Hyunjin, then there was nothing left for him to live for. Hyunjin was all he had left, and if he tarnished the bright boy’s smile, he would be the worst person on this earth.

Was it even worth it? Chan said he needed to find the good things that made the bad times worth it, but it was impossible. No matter how many amazing things he could list, in the end...

In the end, he would end up in the same place each and every time. He would end up curled in on himself, trying to fight the urge to rip his skin open and watch the pretty red drain from his body until he never had to wake up again.

He always assumed he would end up in the river, but all of a sudden the idea of taking a metal blade to his arm was so tempting he could cry. He didn’t have any razors - on him, or even at the dorm. Hyunjin had been so careful to either throw out or hide anything that might be used to cause injuries.

It burned that Hyunjin didn’t trust him, but he couldn’t blame the other boy. It was hard to trust Felix with anything, let alone his own safety.

The familiar sign of the convenience store came into view. There was a new boy working behind the counter, frantically typing away at his laptop. Felix pushed his way into the store and went over to the non-food section.

It had all the normal things - advil, tampons, cough syrup, tums, school supplies - anything a college kid may need at the last second. He knew it was a long shot, but he was getting desperate.

He lost Chan. He almost hurt that boy in an unforgivable way. He didn’t deserve Hyunjin worrying over him. He didn’t deserve the air he breathed or the food he ate or the space he took up. He didn’t deserve to live anymore.

His breath caught in his lungs.

It was far too easy to reach out and took the package of box cutter blades with a surprisingly steady hand. It was a simple replacement set, for the cheap plastic box cutters. It was only $4 for three blades.

That was all Felix needed.

The boy behind the counter didn’t blink as Felix scanned his student ID. He left the store without uttering a single word, but the bubbles in his blood sang in anticipation.

Nothing mattered anymore - there was no point in trying to resist anymore. He was going to give in to the urges and revel in it.
With a monotone chuckle, Felix made his way back to the bridge. He figured the bench was the perfect place to give into his vices.

He had always loved irony.

Chapter Text

What was he even doing?

Felix looked out at the river, the razors still in their unopened package. Why was he feeling this way? Sure, he had his ups and downs, but something was wrong. Did it even matter though? Did anything matter?

The bench seemed to welcome him, like an old friend. He rarely actually sat there, choosing to perch himself precariously on the railing directly over the water, but ever since that first night with Chan, it’s felt...

Like a place where he belongs. Looking down, he could see the butts of the cigarettes they smoked, ground into the dirt from the days of people using the bench and the trail.

It sent a spike through his chest.

He didn’t know what was going on anymore. His lungs ached, as if inhaling and exhaling were two of the hardest things he’s ever had to do. He was just so tired-

Tired of breathing, and of hurting his friends, and of being a failure. He was tired of disappointing everyone, and of waking up feeling like there was a boulder resting on his heart, pinning him to his bed.

Tired of waking up at all, if he was being honest.

He recalled how his doctor said after a while, the effects of his medication might start to wear off, but that couldn’t be what he was feeling... right? Because things were never this bad before he started taking them. Sure he was suicidal, but this was more.

This was more than just craving death. This was craving chaos, and violence, and causing not only himself, but everyone around him as much pain as possible.

The package in his hands seemed to scream at him. It was so small - so seemingly harmless - but it had more power than it knew.

It would be insultingly easy to just... slit his wrists and allow himself to fall into the river, letting the embrace of the water be the last thing he ever felt. It would be better than this burning feeling that settled permanently in the back of his throat. He didn’t know how much longer he could survive like this, with his body rejecting life.

His lungs were tired of breathing, and his heart tired of beating. His eyes were tired of being open, stinging in the night air. His hands were tired of moving, shaking around the package as if it were snowing. His throat was tired of spewing lie after lie. His soul was tired of existing.

Tears dripped onto his hands, sliding right off the plastic part but staining the cardboard behind it. It had been so long since he hurt himself, but he was genuinely craving the pain and the sight of the blood on his pale skin. He always told himself he would never let it turn into a real addiction - it wasn’t like it was drugs or anything, right?

But he quickly found the pain was addicting. The rush of adrenaline through his system when he went just a little too far... it was all too addicting.

And he had been clean for two years.

His arm throbbed lightly. He had always preferred cuts over burns. It was a different kind of pain - a different kind of relief.

He bent the cardboard back, as if to open the package, only to stop again.

He was tired of living, but he was also just tired.

God, he wished he was back in his dorms, huddled under his blankets. He wished he was curled in Chan’s arms, as if the outside world couldn’t touch them.

He wished he had brought his phone with him. Maybe if he had, he would have finally given in and called Chan, begging the boy to save him.

No, he knew Chan couldn’t save him. No one person could save another, but he could definitely fucking help Felix get his shit together so he could start down the road of saving himself...

But he didn’t have his phone. He didn’t have Chan. He didn’t have anything, because he pushed everything good in his life away. He was the only reason he was alone, because he was ungrateful and threw tantrums like this-

"FELIX-” the shout echoed across the campus. Felix found it almost hard to rip his eyes away from the razors in his hand, but when he did he saw Chan sprinting towards him as if he were being chased by something.

He let out a wheezing breath as he was tackling from the bench, Chan’s warm arms surrounding him, cupping the back of his head as they collapsed onto the cold ground. Felix didn’t realize what was happening until he felt Chan crying into his shoulder, the older boy’s sobs bordering on screams as he held Felix as tightly as possible.

Dazed, Felix just reached out and patted the older boy on the arm.

“Don’t you fucking leave us,” Chan growled through his tears. “You idiot-”

“Ch-Chan...” Felix let out a shuddering breath. How did Chan find him? “How did you-”

“I just had a feeling,” Chan’s arms curled around him more. He could feel the older boy’s heartbeat steady and strong against his own. “Something... just told me to come here.”

“The universe really wants us to be together, huh?” Felix chuckled through his own tears.

Chan pulled back just enough to look Felix in the eye. They stared at each other for a moment, the only sounds coming from the river and the cicadas, before Chan leaned in. Felix had almost expected a rough, rushed, desperate kiss, but what he got instead was a hesitant press of lips against his own - as if Chan was afraid to break him.

He could feel how Chan’s lips trembled as he opened his mouth a little. Chan didn’t try to deepen the kiss, but allowed his teeth to scrape against Felix’s lower lip a few times. Felix found himself relaxing into Chan’s arms, the embrace no longer painful but rather comforting, like the older boy had always been since that first night.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, Chan pulled away again. His cheeks were red and tacky, his eyes swollen, but there was an awe-filled smile just barely tugging at his lips as he gently traced the lines of Felix’s face.

“You asked if I loved you,” He whispered, his voice cracking painfully. “Or... or if I could see myself loving you, eventually...”

Felix winced. How could he ask that so suddenly? It was beyond manipulative of him to put Chan on the spot like that, then get upset when he didn’t get the answer he wanted-

“I do,” Chan breathed, making all of Felix’s thoughts stop instantly. “I... I froze because when you asked me that, I realized I-I don’t know what love is supposed to feel like. I don’t know what you’re supposed to make me feel, but I know I can’t lose you. I know I want you in my life. I know I want to see you laugh, and cry, and everything in between. I know I want to be there for your highs and your lows. I know I need you.”

“I’m so sorry-”

“Shh, you don’t have to apologize,” Chan pressed a kiss to his forehead. “You’re scared, and hurting. I’m just- I’m just so fucking grateful you’re still alive.”

“You don’t deserve being scared like this,” Felix’s words were almost completely stolen away by the rushing water. “I’m still so broken... I’ve been avoiding getting close to people because I know I’m still b-broken. I’ve been trying so hard to- to piece myself back together, so I can finally love someone without hurting them, but-”

Chan cut him off with a soft kiss.

“Felix, you’re not as broken as you think you are,” He whispered. “And even if you were, it doesn’t make you unlovable. A relationship goes two ways. I’m here when you feel like this, and you’ll be there when I’m breaking down... neither of us is perfect, but I’m willing to do whatever I can to make you happy.”

“I want to make you happy too.” Felix rested his forehead on Chan’s shoulder. He hadn’t realized how cold he had been until he was surrounded by warmth. Now, all he could focus on was how the night air stung against his tacky cheeks.

“You already do.”

“I don’t want to hurt you.”

“It’s like we said earlier, kitten,” Chan’s voice was low, the vibrations lulling through Felix almost like a cat’s purr. “We can’t promise that we’ll never hurt each other, but we can promise to do whatever we can to support one another, and to be there when we need it.”

“You’re... you’re not just saying all of this because you feel... because you feel obligated, right?”

“What?” Chan blinked, pulling Felix back to look at him properly. He searched the younger boy’s face for a moment, as if trying to find a hint of a lie, or a joke somewhere and coming up with nothing. “Felix... no. Of course it’s not that. You-you really do light up my life. It’s cheesy as fuck, but it’s true. I’ve been fucked up for as long as I can remember, and the only times I’ve ever felt completely content are when I’m swimming, when I’m working on music... and when I’m with you.”

“But why?” Felix wanted to believe Chan more than anything, but he genuinely couldn’t comprehend it.

“Why does the moon chase the sun?” He gave the smaller boy a blinding smile before it faded a little into something more hesitant. “I know we joke about the universe pulling us together despite everything... but if the universe decides to take you away from me - from all of us... I think I’m going to have to fight it. I don’t care what the repercussions are for going against the universe.”

“You’re stupid,” Felix sobbed, throwing his arms around Chan’s neck, properly hugging the older boy back for the first time since being thrown from the bench. “Please...”

“Please what?”

“Please stay in my life,” it was a pained whisper. “Please... I want- I want to s-stop feeling like this, but-but I can’t-”

“You won’t have to do it on your own, little one,” Chan promised, carding his fingers through Felix’s bangs. “I’m so proud of you.”

“What? Why?” His throat stung painfully.

“Admitting you’re scared, or need help, is one of the hardest things you can do,” He answered with a kiss to the corner of Felix’s mouth. “And I’m proud of you for fighting this far... I can see the blades. I’m so fucking proud of you for not hurting yourself. I know how hard that must have been, and you’re so fucking strong.”

“I want to do it so bad,” Felix finally broke, letting out loud, ugly sobs. “I-I-I w-want to-to make everyth-th-thing stop-”

“Shhh, you’re okay baby,” Chan let Felix cry, knowing the younger boy needed this. “I’ve got you. You’re not alone. You’re going to be okay. I love you.”

Felix cried out all the emotions he had been fighting over the last several days. All the pain, and anger, and fear that had forced him to push his friends away. He cried out the apathy and the dark sludge that had started to replace his blood.

He didn’t hear footsteps approaching them at first. It wasn’t until he was practically being ripped out of Chan’s arms that he realized there were other people surrounding them.

“D-d-don’t you ever do that again!” Hyunjin shouted at him, his pretty face twisted and blotchy, his breathing stuttered from his own tears. “Y-y-you promised, asshole! You p-promised we were g-gonna be the b-best man at each other’s weddings, a-and t-teach my kids how to-to curse, and be there for each other for-forever!”

“I’m sorry Jinnie,” he hugged his best friend tightly. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me...”

“There’s nothing wrong with you,” Jisung knelt next to him, not reaching out but looking at Felix with an expression so filled with love and concern that he felt more tears stinging at his eyes. “You just... you just need a little time to get better... and we want to be there to help you get to the point where you feel like yourself again.”

“Lix, I’m so sorry,” Seungmin hugged Felix from behind, resting his forehead on his friend’s back. “I should have noticed something was wrong-”

“It’s not your fault,” Felix whispered. “I pushed everyone away on purpose.”

“And why would you do that, aegi?” Minho asked gently, tugging Felix into a proper sitting position, still halfway in Hyunjin’s lap. He brushed Felix’s bangs from his face, and Felix found himself leaning into the comforting touch. Minho had always been so good at making him feel better.

“I didn’t- I didn’t want to hurt anyone anymore.” He admitted, letting his eyes fall closed.

“Seeing you self-destruct probably hurt worse than anything you could have actually done to us.” Changbin wasn’t super close to Felix, having only met the younger boy a few times through Chan, but he could tell how amazing Felix was. He saw how Felix made Chan so happy, which instantly meant Changbin liked him. He liked anything that made Chan happy.

“I’m sorry-”

“Stop apologizing, hyung,” Jeongin cut him off gently. “I know it hurts, but sometimes we need to hit our absolute worst before we can dust ourselves off and work on climbing up again.”

“I think this might be my worst,” Felix admitted softly, making the boys around him tense a little. “I’ve- I don’t think I’ve ever felt like this before and it’s so fucking scary... I don’t want to feel like this anymore.”

“Tomorrow, we’re gonna email your doctor, okay?” Hyunjin asked. “I have a feeling this has something to do with your meds. You’ve been acting off for a while now, and I knew they weren’t going to help you forever...”

“Mm, I should email my professors too...” The weight of what he needed to do started to suffocate him, causing his breathing to speed up. He had to do so much to fix what he had fucked up. All the assignments he had ignored - his professors must hate him now-

“Hey, eyes on me,” Chan murmured as he cupped Felix’s cheeks. “Follow my breathing, okay? In.... and out. In and out. You’re doing so good for me baby. In... and out. There we go, you’re so good.”

“Thank you...”

“Do you wanna sleep for a bit?” Chan asked, seeing the glazed look in Felix’s eyes. He nodded, leaning into Chan’s side as he did so. “Mm, come one then, we can go back to the apartment and you can nap in my bed.”

“Can we-” Hyunjin was cut off by a gentle smile.

“Of course,” Chan loaded Felix onto his back. “There’s plenty of room for everyone. I can make some food for us-”

“We both know I’m going to end up doing the cooking.” Minho said, and the abrupt casualness of the comment broke through some of the tension in the air. They followed after Chan and Minho, heading towards the apartments, but Hyunjin held back.

“Everything alright?” Changbin asked, noticing the younger boy.

“I almost lost him,” He whispered, staring at the unopened package of blades on the ground, kicked under the bench. “I... It’s my fault.”

“What?” Changbin blinked in absolute shock. “How the fuck is it your fault?”

“I-I was supposed to b-be helping him,” Silent tears rolled down his cheeks, making his words crack. “And-and I left him alone... I didn’t do enough for him-”

“That’s stupid,” Changbin grabbed Hyunjin’s hand and started dragging him after the others, who were already a fair distance ahead of them. Hyunjin let himself be pulled, his eyes widening at how strong Changbin’s hand was around his wrist. “You did everything you could, but you’re not solely responsible for anyone. Felix... he’s been through a lot, but none of this was your fault. If anything, you’re the reason Chan hyung was able to get to him in time.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that without you, I doubt Felix would have graduated high school,” He knew this, because Felix was far too similar to himself, and the thought made Changbin’s blood run like ice through his veins. “I can see how you guys are together... he really looks up to you. You..” he trailed off for a moment. “You’re his Channie hyung.”

“You-” Hyunjin’s brow furrowed before his face went slack in realization.

Hyunjin was Felix’s Chan, just like Changbin was Chan’s Felix.

“You’re freezing,” Changbin frowned, turning back to look at Hyunjin. He must have felt how the younger boy was shaking. “Here, we’re almost there, but...”

He didn’t finish. Instead he just pulled his hoodie off and tossed it to Hyunjin, who numbly slipped it on. It was large, and warm, and smelled very nice. It instantly made his stomach flutter.

It didn’t help that he was suddenly able to see Changbin’s arms. He and Felix always joked that his type was men who could throw him across a room, and with the ease that Changbin pulled him around, he could only imagine how easy it would be for the older boy to manhandle him.

“You okay? You’re all red.”

“Mm!” He squeaked a little, earning a chuckle. “We should catch up.”

“Ah shit, yeah,” Changbin sighed, looking forward to see the others were already out of sight. “Good thing I know the way to hyung’s place better than to my own. I’ve dragged my drunk ass there so many times, I could probably sleep walk there.”

Hyunjin giggled a little at the mental image, sniffling away the last of his tears. Changbin shot him a lopsided smile as they made their way up the hill, and Hyunjin let himself believe - at least for the moment - that there was hope.

“How’s that?” Minho asked, handing Felix a mug. The older boy had instantly gone to the kitchen, pulling out the large kettle and lining miscellaneous mugs up along the counter. Felix had been steered towards the couch, Chan on one side of him and Hyunjin - who came in with Changbin a few minutes after the rest of them - on the other. The rest of the boys sat around the living room, either at the coffee table, or with their backs against the front of the couch.

“Perfect,” Felix’s voice was hushed. “Thank you hyung.”

“Of course.” Minho’s smile curled fondly as he pet Felix’s head. He turned to Seungmin, who was helping him carry the mugs out of the kitchen, handing them around. Felix sipped his tea, the warmth filling his stomach and radiating through the rest of his body. He didn’t know why, but the comforting heat made his throat sting a little. He washed the sting away with more tea.

“Did you want to shower, kitten?” Chan asked softly, noticing Felix was almost done his drink. He knew personally a hot shower worked wonders when he was stressed, and Felix looked beyond stressed at the moment. He wished there was more he could do for the younger boy.

“Could I?” Felix blinked, looking hopeful.

“Mm, come on, I’ll get you set up.” Chan smiled and kissed his cheek before standing and holding a hand out. Felix took it and allowed himself to be pulled towards the bathroom, leaving Minho to entertain the others.

Felix had been in Chan’s bathroom before, clearly, but he had never showered at the older boy’s apartment before.

“Hm?” Chan hummed when Felix tugged on his sleeve. Felix flushed red and hid his face in the older boy’s back before responding.

“Can... can you shower with me?” He whispered a second time. It wasn’t that he wanted something sexual, but rather craved some sort of... intimacy.

He just wanted to feel loved.

“Of course,” Chan turned and pulled Felix into a hug, kissing the smaller boy’s cheek gently. “Here, I’ll get the shower started. Can you grab two towels from the cabinet?”
Felix nodded and he as he was asked, going to the small cupboard and grabbing two of the fluffy grey towels, putting them on the sink. Chan had already stripped down to his underwear, kicking his clothes off to the side as he tested the water with his hand, adjusting the temperature.

Felix slowly pulled his shirt off, holding the fabric against his bare chest. Chan must have seen the movement from the corner of his eye, because he turned and smiled at Felix, making the smaller boy blush.

“Mm, so pretty,” He murmured, pulling Felix into his chest. Felix felt his eyes sting from how good Chan’s bare skin felt on his - not in a sexual way, but in a way that proved he was alive. That they were both alive. “Come on, kitten. A shower always makes me feel better.”

Felix stripped out of the last of his clothes, leaving him completely bare. He felt awkward for a moment, even though Chan had seen him naked several times before.

Before, it was all about pleasure - about chasing their highs and tasting moans on each other’s lips as their bodies danced on each other. Now, however, it was the innocent of the whole situation that made Felix pause. He was fine with Lust - it was familiar - but this was not familiar at all.

Stepping under the steaming shower instantly made Felix relax. The water seemed to pound down on his sore muscles, and he couldn’t stop the soft moan from slipping out. Chan stepped in behind him, pressing a light kiss to his freckled shoulder.

Without a word, Chan poured some shampoo into his hands and began to gently work it through Felix’s hair, letting his nails scrape against the smaller boy’s scalp. Felix let his eyes fall shut as he lost himself to the feeling of Chan’s fingers against his head.

He frowned a little when Chan finally tilted his neck a little, carefully angling Felix so he could rinse the shampoo out without getting any soap or water in the boy’s eyes. Chan began to hum something soft and slow - almost like a ballad, or a lullaby.

Chan lathered body wash up and began to run his hands along Felix’s body with sure, careful movements. Felix giggled a little as Chan passed over sensitive skin, earning a chuckle from the older boy.

Felix sighed happily as Chan began to gently suck a bruise into his shoulder, right by his neck, as he finished rinsing the soap away. Felix almost wished Chan would maul him like that first night - the bruises faded way too fast, and he missed being able to see the proof that Chan found him attractive.

The proof that Chan loved him.

“The others are probably waiting for us.” Chan murmured against his skin, his lips sending sparks down Felix’s spine.

“Mm, probably.” Felix just turned around and faced the other boy, wrapping his arms around his neck and kissing him properly.

Chan instantly kissed him back, leading Felix rather than taking control. Chan tasted like Monster and tea and home, and Felix was glad they were in the shower because otherwise his silent tears would have been seen. Strong arms wrapped around his waist, pulling him in closer, their chests flushed to one another as the shower continued to beat down on the tops of their heads.

Felix would have been content to stand in the water and kiss Chan for the rest of eternity, but far too soon the temperature started to drop. Chan broke away, his lips red and his eyes shining.

“Pixie,” He murmured, his gaze never leaving Felix’s face. “Go out with me?”

“Huh?” Felix blinked, his brain short circuiting at the sudden question. Chan grinned wide and chuckled, hiding his face in the younger boy’s neck for a moment before standing upright again, the water making his bangs stick to his forehead.

“Please,” he whispered. “Go out with me. Let me be yours.”

“O-okay,” It wasn’t the most eloquent way of agreeing to date the man of your dreams, but it was what Felix was able to manage. “Yeah, I wanna be yours too.”

“Of course,” Chan kissed him, no rush or urgency behind it. He kissed Felix as though they had all the time in the world. “Anything for my kitten.”

“We should probably get out.” He could feel his fingers were already pruned.

“Yeah, probably.”

“The water’s getting cold.”

“Mm.”

“I love you.”

“I love you more.” Chan kissed him, and in that moment, nothing else mattered.

“Will you stop fucking and get out already?” A knock at the door made them jump apart, Felix only just barely managing to catch himself before slipping entirely. “The food is ready!”

“Coming dear!” Chan called back to Minho, who grumbled something that was lost behind the door. He grinned at Felix, pecking him on the nose one last time. “Ready?”

“As I’ll ever be.” He stepped out of the shower and handed Chan his towel before drying himself off. He knew the second they went back to the living room, they were going to have to talk about what happened - about what had happened over the last few days. As much as he was dreading it, he was almost looking forward to it as well, because he really did want to feel better. He wanted to be happy.

Chan playfully grabbed his ass, grinning as Felix squawked a little in surprise. He chased the older boy into his bedroom, ignoring the teasing and shouting coming from the living room, to steal some of Chan’s clothes. He always felt more comfortable in Chan’s hoodies.

“You’re gonna be okay.” Chan said, seeing the look on Felix’s face.

“Mm, I know... it’s still scary.”

“And it’s going to be scary for a while, but you don’t have to face it alone,” Chan took his hand, lacing their fingers together. “You’ve got me, and the others. We’ll be behind you every step of the way.”

“In that case,” Felix smiled and kissed the back of Chan’s hand. “Ready?”

“Of course.”

Felix led Chan from his room back towards the others, a new sense of determination in his eyes.

Chapter Text

Felix hummed, curling into the warmth next to him. Whatever it was hummed back, wrapping around him tighter. It took a moment, but he finally remembered where he was.

He had stayed the night at Chan’s apartment, all of his friends gathering in a cuddle pile in the middle of the living room. Another body shifted behind him before settling again.

Cracking an eye open, he was greeted with the sight of Chan’s sleeping face, his breathing even and his mouth parted faintly. With a small smile, Felix leaned forward and pressed a kiss to the older boy’s lips - light enough that he wouldn’t wake him.

Despite the gentleness, Chan’s breathing hiccupped, his arms around Felix tensing before loosening, his eyes fluttering open sleepily.

“Good morning.” he murmured, his voice raspy and low. Felix felt his stomach flutter and couldn’t resist kissing Chan again, letting his lips linger on the other’s for a moment.

He didn’t add any extra pressure, just thrilled to be able to feel Chan’s breath against his mouth.

Chan had asked what made the bad times worth it, and Felix realized he had found something else to add.

Being able to be so close to Chan when they were just waking up - being able to soak in the older boy’s sleepy warmth and hear his gravelly voice.

“Did you sleep well, kitten?” Chis asked, pulling Felix fully on his chest.

“Mm, I’m surprised how well rested I feel,” He admitted softly, not wanting to wake the others. “For the first time in fuckin’ years, I don’t feel exhausted.”

“You know, maybe I’ll sleep more if it means waking up to you like this.” Chan chuckled, and Felix couldn’t help but nuzzle the underside of his jaw.

“About fucking time,” Minho’s voice made them jump. “Who knew all it took was consistent boning to get you to take care of yourself.”

“When did you wake up, Min?” Chan asked, shifting to see that his roommate was not only awake, but freshly showered and holding a cup of coffee, perched on the couch.

“Little bit ago,” He yawned. “I’ve never been good with sleeping next to other people. I move around too much.”

“Take a nap later, if you can,” Chan hummed, finally sitting up. Felix stayed on his chest, ending up stradling the older boy’s lap. He rested his head on Chan’s shoulder, letting his arms slip around Chan’s waist and up under his shirt, resting his palms on Chan’s lower back. His skin was almost scalding against his fingers. It made him giddy. “Wanna order breakfast for everyone? We can do sandwiches from that place down the street.”

“Chan?” He muttered, his lips fluttering against the older boy’s neck.

“Mm?”

“Love you.”

“Love you too, baby.” Chan grinned, his ears burning red. Felix couldn’t help but stare in wonder at the sheer affection in the older boy’s eyes.

Chan flushed more when he realized Felix was openly staring, a small smile tugging at his lips and his freckled cheeks warming.

“What’re you staring at?” he whined, hiding his face in Felix’s shoulder.

“You.” He nudged Chan’s cheek to get the older boy to look at him.

“Are you done making out?” Changbin whined, once more making Felix and Chan jump apart a little. “I’m hungry...”

“Mm, I want hashbrowns.” Hyunjin chimed in with a yawn. Felix had to do a double take to make sure he was seeing his best friend pressed completely against Changbin’s chest, his arms and legs wrapped around the older boy like a koala, correctly.

“When did that happen?” Chan muttered silently. It seemed Chan didn’t know what had transpired the night before either. Felix would have to grill Hyunjin later, but at the moment he realized how hungry he really was.

“Wake the kids up and I can place the order.” Minho said, already pulling the cafe’s menu up on his phone. He and Chan had their orders memorized by heart, but the others would want to look it over. He had never been happier that the café let you order online.

“Can we stay like this for a little longer?” Felix asked, lightly running his nails down Chan’s back, loving how the older boy’s breath seemed to shudder.

“Of course, little one,” Chan hummed, sleepily wrapping his arms around the smaller boy’s waist and holding him close. “Anything for my boyfriend.”

Felix froze.

How could he have forgotten?

“Your boyfriend,” He giggled, saying it like a prayer. “I’m your boyfriend.”

“And I’m yours,” Chan smiled as he kissed Felix softly. “I get to call myself yours.”

Hyunjin watched Felix giggle into Chan’s lips, a strange feeling growing in his chest.

“What’s wrong?” Changbin asked, still sounding half asleep.

“I dunno,” He breathed, nuzzling his face into Changbin’s neck. He liked how warm the older boy was, and he liked that he was taller than Changbin, which meant he could clutch onto him like an octopus. He was taller, but Changbin still made him feel safe. “It’s weird seeing Lix with someone else. He’s been my best friend for years, and I... I can’t really remember the last time he’s looked so happy...”

“You’re enough.”

“What?” Hyunjin blinked, pulling away.

“You’re thinking that you weren’t good enough to make Felix happy,” Changbin answered easily, glancing around as the others started to wake up and shuffle around. “But that’s not true at all. You are enough - for him, and for yourself.”

“Hyung...” Hyunjin hated how his eyes stung.

“And you’re always going to be enough, no matter what happens,” He continued, letting just the tips of his fingers run lightly along the strip of skin between Hyunjin’s shirt hem and the waistband of his pants. Hyunjin couldn’t help the shudder that went down his spine. “And it’s okay if it’s hard to accept that.”

“Why are you being so nice?”

“Because you deserve to be treated kindly.”

Hyunjin couldn’t look Changbin in the eye. He was there for Felix - he was there because his best friend in the entire world almost killed himself last night, and he needed to support Felix. He was there for Felix.

He wasn’t allowed to want to kiss Changbin the way Felix was kissing Chan - softly, gently, and without a single care who saw.

It had been a long time since anyone had kissed Hyunjin that softly. Maybe it had been Felix, when they were both drunk, but deep down he knew it wasn’t the same.

“What’re you thinking about?” Changbin asked, noticing the far away look in the younger boy’s eye.

“Nothing.”

“You can tell me,” he looked away, his ears burning. “Sometimes getting shit out makes you feel better, you know?”

“I don’t want to be selfish.” He admitted quietly as they stood and started gathering the bedding from their cuddle pile. They worked together to fold the larger blankets, stacking them on the couch neatly.

“Selfish how?”

“We’re here for Lix,” He muttered, glancing over to where his best friend was in the kitchen, perched on the counter with his legs wrapped around Chan’s waist. “I can’t make this about me.”

“If you just tell me, we can keep it between us and no one else has to know.” Changbin offered, and Hyunjin felt his chest flutter a little. The older boy’s eyes were so genuine, his eyebrows furrowed slightly in concern.

“I just...” He looked over to the kitchen again, biting the inside of his cheek as Chan surged forward and kissed Felix, letting the smaller boy wrap his arms around his neck. “I’m jealous.”

“Of Channie hyung and Lix?”

“Mm,” Hyunjin shoved his hands in his pockets, glad he had been wearing sweatpants before he frantically started looking for his roommate. Sleeping in jeans would not have been comfortable. “I’m so fucking proud of him for making it this far, and for finding someone that can make him smile like that, but at the same time I hate the fact that I feel like I’m going to throw up when I see them kissing like that.”

“Would... would you want to be kissed like that?”

“So badly,” Hyunjin admitted, running his hand through his hair to push his bangs out of his face. He couldn’t help the frown that tugged his mouth down. “But it’s whatever-”

Changbin cut him off with a kiss of his own. Hyunjin’s eyes flew open for a moment before he let them fall closed. He wrapped his arms around the older boy’s waist as he took control of the kiss.

“Wow...” He breathed as Changbin pulled away. He could feel the stars in his own eyes, or maybe it was just the reflection of the universe in Changbin’s.

“Um...” Changbin’s face lit up bright red. “W-was that okay?”

“Mm, it was perfect.” Hyunjin looked away, trying to fight back a giggle. Just then, Minho shoved his way between them and smirked at them as he handed Changbin his phone with the menu.

“Add your orders,” His smirk curled into a shit eating grin as he glanced between his friends. “If you can handle being away from each other for so long. I know you’re hungry but damn, in the living room?”

“HYUNG-” Hyunjin shouted, his entire body flashing hot as he flung himself onto the couch, hiding his face in the pile of pillows. The apartment burst into laughter, which only made Hyunjin whine louder.

“Jinnie~” Felix threw himself onto the couch as well, pouncing on his best friend and curling himself around the taller boy. “I’m happy for you.”

“Huh?”

“Binnie hyung seems like a good guy,” He nuzzled his nose against Hyunjin’s cheek, causing his friend to smile. “You deserve someone to care about you, and Chan trusts him, so he’s gotta be a good person.”

“You trust Chan hyung that much?”

“Mm,” Felix hummed, still rubbing his nose against Hyunjin’s cheek and jaw like a cat in the way Hyunjin adored. “Plus, I know how you like boys who can break you in half and I’ve seen videos of him and Chan at the gym. He could absolutely rail you against a wall.”

“Lix!” He giggled in shock.

“Think of all the other things he could do to you too.” Felix’s grin curled more. The two friends looked at each other for a beat before bursting into laughter.

“What’s so funny?” Chan asked, leaning on the back of the couch and smiling fondly down at them. Felix twisted his body to look up at his boyfriend.

“I’m sure you’ll find out soon enough.” He winked playfully.

“Here, I wanna talk to you.” Chan tugged on Felix’s hair gently.

“You can pull harder,” Felix smirked before detangling himself from Hyunjin. He followed his boyfriend back to his room, closing the door behind him. “What’s up?”

“I just wanted to check on you,” He hummed, pulling Felix close. “How are you feeling, little bug?”

“Little bug?” Felix giggled.

“Angel, baby, pup, kitten, bun, honey, lovely, princess...” Chan punctuated each pet name with a kiss - on Felix’s nose, his cheeks, his forehead, his eyelids, the corner of his mouth, the spot where his jaw met his ear.

“I’m... feeling better,” He sighed after a moment. He felt Chan’s arms tense around him briefly. “Last night was really scary... but- but you saved me. Fuck that sounds cheesy...”

“I’m so fucking grateful that I got to you in time...”

“This is gonna suck, isn’t it?”

“What, healing?” Chan chuckled softly. “Mm, it’s never easy. It’s the hardest thing anyone can do... but you don’t have to do it alone.”

“Thank you.”

“I should be thanking you.” Chan pulled back and cupped Felix’s cheek.

“What? Why?” Felix blinked, leaning into the touch.

“For letting me meet you, and letting me love you, and letting me help you,” He hummed softly. “For... letting me be in your life.”

“I really liked it when you called me princess.” Felix whispered, hugging Chan close.

“My princess,” He pressed a kiss to the side of Felix’s head. “My pretty kitten.”

“Yours...”

“Do you want to nap until breakfast gets here?”

“Nah, Jinnie will make fun of me and since I’m going to make fun of him about the Changbin hyung thing, I don’t want to give him any extra ammo.”

“We can-” Chan was cut off by a shriek from the living room.

“Was that Jeongin?” Felix grinned as they raced from the bedroom. Once back with the others, they were faced with the sight of Seungmin pinning Jeongin down so Jisung could tickle the youngest boy. Jeongin scream-laughed, twisting and turning to escape the attack and failing miserably.

Minho was sitting on the couch, one leg crossed over the other with a coffee mug in hand as he watched everything playing out. It was clear he wasn’t planning to step in to help the boy. Hyunjin had taken Felix’s place on the kitchen counter, watching the wrestling match from over the island counter that separated the kitchen from the living room. Changbin stood in front of the younger boy, his back leaning against Hyunjin’s chest. Hyunjin had wrapped his arms and legs around him, and was resting his chin on Changbin’s shoulder.

“Binnie,” Minho called over his shoulder to Changbin. “You and Jin want to go pick up breakfast?”

“Sure, hyung,” Changbin’s ears flushed as he held out a hand, helping Hyunjin jump off the counter - as if Hyunjin, who had been dancing nearly all of his life, needed help to gracefully hop down. Hyunjin took the offered hand anyway, biting back a smile as he let their fingers lace together. “Want us to pick up anything else when we’re out?”

“Jinnie knows my coffee order.” Felix called.

“Of course,” Hyunjin grinned at his best friend. “What kind of soulmate would I be if I didn’t?”

“A shitty one.”

“Exactly,” His playful grin softened. “Anything for you Lix.”

“Text one of us if you think of anything,” Changbin called, grabbing his wallet and tugging the younger boy towards the door. “We’ll be back.”

“Have fun!” Jisung shouted.

“Not too much fun.” Minho grinned as Changbin made a face and slammed the door behind him. The apartment burst into laughter again. Felix leaned into Chan’s chest, his heart skipping a beat as the older boy wrapped his arms around his waist, as if it was second nature to hold Felix close.

“Love you.” Chan whispered, kissing Felix’s cheek.

“Love you more.”

“Beautiful night, isn’t it?”

“What’re you doing up so late?” Felix asked his boyfriend. He was sitting up on the ledge again, but instead of smoking he was tossing candies into the air and trying to catch them. So far, most of them had fallen into the river.

“I was trying to get some work done, but I was too distracted.” Chan leaned on the railing, looking down at the rushing water below them. The moon shined bright, her face a perfect circle as she watched them.

“Distracted by what?”

“You.”

“What did I do?” Felix blinked, looking over at Chan again. His boyfriend chuckled and rested his cheek on his folded arms, so he was looking back.

“I just missed you,” He admitted, making Felix’s cheeks burn. After a month of dating, it still felt unreal. He was dating Chan, and he was happy. He was healing. “I haven't seen you in ages.”

“I literally slept over last night,” Felix giggled, hopping off the railing and instantly snuggling into Chan’s warmth. The nights had been getting nicer and nicer, and unlike the night they met, Felix was able to wear a t-shirt and cotton sleep shorts and still be comfortable in the night air. “And we’re spending the weekend at my house.”

“I know, and I’m so fucking scared to meet your parents,” Chan hummed, sighing happily now that Felix was in his arms. “What if they don’t like me?”

“Babe, you’ve talked to them so many times,” he pulled back and gave his boyfriend a bright grin. “We facetimed them a few days ago.”

“Mm, but meeting them in person is scary. I need them to like me.”

“Even if they didn’t like you - which they do - what would it matter?” Felix asked. “As long as I like you, right?”

“It’s always good to have the approval of the parents,” Chan chuckled. “I think we’ve had enough bullshit. We don’t need any star crossed lovers situations.”

“I think the universe owes us this.” Felix hummed.

“It really does,” He tucked Felix’s head under his chin, looking up at the moon as the younger boy curled into his chest more. “How are you feeling, princess?”

“Ah, y’know...”

“Are the new meds helping?”

“I don’t know yet,” After that night, Chan and the others helped him get the confidence to talk to the school’s therapists. She suggested that maybe he could be bipolar, which would explain why his medication was affecting him the way it was. He still didn’t quite accept it, but part of him knew, deep down, that it made sense. Why else would he have hit such a low point out of nowhere? “It’ll take a little longer before I really start seeing any kind of difference.”

“I’m so proud of you, Pixie,” Chan pulled back and kissed him, their lips slotting together perfectly. “You’re so fucking strong. I’m so fucking proud of you.”

“It’s all thanks to you and the others,” Felix giggled against Chan’s kiss. He hadn’t hurt himself since the night he burnt himself, though he was finding it a little harder to kick his nicotine addiction, but he was getting better at communicating his emotions to the others. Hyunjin even made him a bullet journal so they could track his moods. The nocturnal bugs were singing loudly, almost as loudly as the river was. It really did feel like he and Chan were in their own little bubble, hidden away from the rest of the world. “I feel... more stable, I guess. Less anxious.”

He still had his ups and downs, but Hyunjin’s bullet journal helped more than he thought it would. There were sections for him to list things that made him happy, and sections to write down the compliments other people gave him as a reminder. He made two page spreads for each month, with large boxes for Felix to write one thing he liked about himself for each day, and each month had a different theme - he even drew little doodles that matched each theme for Felix to color in depending on his mood, to keep track of everything - pink for a good day, blue for a bad one, and yellow for a numb day. He would blend the colors if it was somewhere in the middle.

Felix had absolutely cried when Hyunjin had given it to him. It must have taken his friend hours, if not days, to set the journal up for him. He was sure Changbin helped, and it quickly became one of his prized possession, next to the hoodie Chan had given him - and the flowers Chan had given him, that Hyunjin helped him dry, and the plush duck that Chan had given him, and the ring that Chan gave him with the phases of the moon engraved around the silver band, and the set of black lingerie that Chan bought for him, because it looked so good against his pale skin, and-

“Hm, that’s my pretty pup,” Chan pressed an exaggerated kiss into Felix’s cheek, making a loud ‘mwuah’ sound, causing Felix to grin happily. “Do you wanna go back to the apartment? I’m not going to get any more work done now that I have you so close. You’re just too distracting.”

“We won’t bother Minho hyung?”

“He’s out with Seungmin and Jisung,” Chan grinned, already pulling Felix towards the apartment building. “Something about trailing Hyunjin and Changbin on their date.”

“Really? I can see Seungmin and Jisung, but hyung?”

“Apparently, he was just going for the free drinks.” Chan smiled as he rolled his eyes.

“Speaking of Hyunjin and Changbinnie hyung,” Felix wiggled his eyebrows. “Jinnie showed me the pretty knots he tied hyung up in and said you’d look good in them too.”

“He shows you that kind of thing?” Chan glanced at him in shock as he unlocked the door.

“And more, unfortunately,” Felix slipped off his shoes at the front door. “I feel like I’ve seen enough of hyung naked that I might as well be dating him too.”

“Well, hypothetically, we could invite them to join us one of these times,” Chan bit his bottom lip as he gripped Felix’s waist firmly. “Think of all the fun we could have together.”

“Don’t tease me,” Felix’s body was already warming up just from the feeling of Chan’s hands on his skin. “I might just have to ask Jin, and you know he can’t say no to me.”

“Who said I was teasing?” Chan raised an eyebrow, and a flash of heat raced through Felix’s body at the implications. Has... has Chan thought about inviting others into their bed for the evening before? How many times? And with who?

And now Felix was hard.

“Channie~”

“Yes, kitten?” Chan purred, using the knuckle of his finger to tilt Felix’s chin up.

“Please? Want you to bite me...” He leaned forward, grinding slightly on Chan’s thigh. He watched as Chan’s eyes darkened, his ears turning red as he bumped his thigh up. Felix sucked in a sharp breath, his eyes closing at the feeling.

“Of course,” Chan murmured, biting down on his neck. If Felix wanted to be marked, Chan would make sure every inch of the younger boy’s skin was stamped with his affections - did it hurt that he liked the fact that everyone else knew Felix belonged to him? Absolutely not. “And you don’t have to hold back those pretty sounds of yours... be as loud as you want, Pixie.”

Felix let out a breathy laugh as Chan bit down again.

It was going to be a wonderfully long night.