Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Noah and Owen’s life had never been more exciting. Two years ago, after years of ricocheting from reality tv show to reality tv show, they had been offered a time slot to host their very own cooking show. Now they were on their hundredth episode and were planning an equally impressive celebration. Duncan, who was currently crashing on their couch, had been working on the show as a cameraman as part of his parole, which he was almost finished with.

The second big event in their lives was Noah’s pregnancy. If you need context for that I don’t know what to say: just read the other fics in the series. Noah was reaching the end of the ninth month of his pregnancy, which was equal parts painful, confusing, and stressful for him. It did not help that Owen had rushed him to the hospital three times in the last eight days, convinced that he was giving birth. By the third time, the hospital had ordered them to not come back unless DJ (Noah’s doctor) told them to.

In nervous anticipation for the baby, Noah and Owen had delayed filming the 100th Episode Special as long as they could. Unfortunately, Noah had not yet popped and the higher-ups had refused to let them wait any longer. What could possibly go wrong?

It was around 2 in the morning when the two husbands got a rude awakening. It sounded like there was a teenage party right outside their bedroom.

Well, that description was half-right.

The two walked out to see a rock band had formed in their living room. Izzy beating the drums violently, Eva aggressively shredding on a bass guitar. And on the lead, the center of this whole shitshow, was Duncan standing on their couch as the dogs (and Ezekiel) howled along with him.

"HEY", Noah yelled as loud as his voice could allow it, waving his arms to get them to stop. Izzy and Eva stopped playing their instruments, though Duncan was still strumming.

"What are you doing", the pregnant man asked, understandably annoyed. “Do you know what time it is?! If DJ’s moms call to complain about this, you're gonna-"

"Did it work", Duncan stopped playing, and nearly lept off the couch towards Noah. "Did your water or whatever break?”

"What?...No! Look, if you’re trying to distract me from your reunion tour-"

"Darn it!", Duncan snapped his fingers in defeat. He reached over to a clipboard on the couch and crossed a line out with a pen. “Thanks for the help guys,” he turned to Izzy and Eva. “We’ll try something else later.”

“Alright,” Eva shrugged, and started to head towards the door, Ezekiel trailing behind carrying drums. Izzy carried the rest and smiled at the boys on her way out. “See you guys.”

“What was that all about?” Owen asked, looking over to the clipboard Duncan was holding.

"Trying to get you to have this baby", Duncan explained, with a ‘duh’ look. "I looked up ways to induce labor, and one of them was 'loud music’ which I was happy to oblige with.”

Noah rolled his eyes. "I'm sure you were. But it's been over a week since the due date. Why the sudden interest to help now?"

"Cause I've been watching you and the big guy fret the whole time. The failed hospital trips, the anxiety, you even WALKING around trying to get something moving."

Owen nodded in agreement to that. Wasn't like Noah to just pace around when he could lie down or sit.

"And admittedly, it was funny at first, but I just can't take it. You're making ME antsy, and we got a big episode in two days."

"Wow", Owen beamed. "That's really nice of you Duncan."

"Yeah.” Noah started to say but stopped midway through, “So...this has nothing to do with that little betting pool you made with everyone and that this just happens to be the day you put your money on?"

Duncan rubbed the back of his neck nervously, "Ok, so maaaybe that has something to do with it too."

And there it was. The truth comes out.

“But my point still stands on all the other stuff I said. One way or another, I’m gonna win 300 bucks, and this baby is gonna come TODAY.”

"Well can it come later today", Noah yawned and groaned. "I'd like to at least have a more full night of sleep before you force this kid out to the world."

Duncan sighed. "Fine. But mark my words man. Tomorrow, you're gonna have that baby out of here."

Noah yawned as he got up a second time that day. He plodded over to the kitchen, smelling a complex seasoned, but oddly familiar, aroma. He entered to find Duncan stirring a large pot over the stove. Next to him on the counter were a variety of spices, peppers, and empty bottles of hot sauce. He squirted dabs of hot sauce in it as he looked over to Noah.

“Hey dude”, Duncan beamed a large smile. Too large, in Noah’s opinion. What was this punk up to now?

“Made you breakfast,” Duncan offered Noah a whiff. Noah sniffed closer in and immediately thought back to the Ridonculous Race challenge in Morocco.

“That’s HOT! I think we picked the wrong spices!”

“Oh come on I’ve seen you eat, you’re about as picky as a raccoon. Just DO IT!”

Noah looked shocked at Duncan, who nonchalantly squirted the last of the hot sauce in the pot. He was positive now that this ex-prisoner was trying to kill him.

“Nope”, Noah started to walk back to his and Owen’s bedroom.

“Hey wait!” Duncan walked behind him, “You have to eat it! I read that spicy food is another good way to induce labor.”

“Yeah, induce labor AND burn my tongue off,” Noah protested, “If you think I’m gonna willingly eat that just so you can win a bet-”

“It’s not just about the bet,” Duncan argued. Noah just looked at him with a raised eyebrow. “...I mean, it is, but think of it this way. If I win the bet, that’s one step closer to you having the couch all to yourself again.”

Noah thought about it for a moment. Ever since Owen had let Duncan crash on their couch, he'd been counting the months for the punk to finally pack his bags and hit the road. And he did miss having the couch back to just him and Owen again. Three was a crowd, after all.

“Okay,” he finally decided, and started to head back to the kitchen, “But just one spoonful.”

“Fine,” Duncan agreed and followed. Now he was thinking about how he was going to get rid of the rest of that huge pot. He didn’t have to wait long to find out.

The 2 walked back in to find smoke coming out near the pot….from Owen’s mouth.

“WOO! That was HOT”, Owen fanned his mouth, stew dribbling out the sides on his cheeks.

Duncan looked over at the pot, which was now empty. Heck, more than empty, it was licked clean. As if there wasn’t any stew in it to begin with.

“YOU ATE IT ALL?!”

Owen rushed to the fridge and pulled out a gallon of milk. “It was…*pant*...just a taste…,” he paused to chug down the gallon. After a few gulps, he gasped for air then spoke up again. “But..*pant* it was DELICIOUS, so I had some more and...WOO!” Owen calmed down and chuckled. “That had a KICK to it!”

Duncan and Noah groaned as Owen continued drinking. Hours of Duncan’s work down in minutes. Now he was going to have to skip to the next step fast. And poor Noah..they share a bathroom.

Duncan grabbed his clipboard and made another strike. Time to move to Plan C.

"Little buddy! Help!"

It was around noon when Noah's reading was interrupted by Owen's cries for help. After a bit of effort getting out of bed, he walked out to see what Owen's problem was.

Noah's eyes went wide as he saw their living room stuffed with a variety of spring loaded traps. Ropes connected to knives, beartraps on the floor, and something he was pretty sure was a garbage bomb. And in the center of it all was his husband, tied up and surrounded.

"Oh buddy! Thank goodness!” Owen shouted. "I can't get out of here. I don't know what to do!"

"Noah,” Noah’s head turned to a certain cameraman at the mention of his name. "I don't know how this happened, but I don't know what to do! How are we gonna get the big guy out of here?!"

Noah's once wide eyes immediately turned back to indifference, "WE aren't."

Duncan and Owen both looked at Noah in worry. "What?"

"Did you two forget we literally live one floor over a nutcase who's probably done this a hundred times for fun? I'm gonna call Izzy to sort this out."

Noah left for their bedroom to get his cellphone.

Duncan snapped his fingers. "Ok so maybe ‘panic and stress’ was too much to expect from him," he contemplated, "But the day's still young."

Duncan was about to leave to work on whatever Plan D was when Owen spoke up.

"Uh, Duncan? I'm still stuck!"

"What?” Duncan turned around to the bearded man. "Oh right! Don't worry Owen, I'll get you down."

Duncan took a step forward, eyes focused on Owen and not about how he was about to step on a loaded rope.

"Yeah he has it loaded with traps", Noah sighed as he talked on the phone. "It's like Total Drama all over again...mmm?...No, not yet...yeah I'm sure there's something else later….ok, but hurry before he destroys the place or-"

"OWWWWW!"

Noah's talk was interrupted when he heard a loud yelp of pain. He walked as fast as he could to find Duncan going through every single trap, getting hit, flung around, and smacked to the ground again. Noah stood there in shock for what felt like hours before Duncan's traps were finally done and the cameraman laid on the ground, twitching slightly in pain.

Noah was still shocked for a moment after. Still shocked, and still pregnant, before groaning in annoyance. There went his entire living room. But at least Owen was untied and unharmed.

"Nevermind", he said over the phone. "Seems the problem ‘resolved itself’....yeah...yeah actually ice cream would be nice. Be nice to take a break from this insanity,” he said this part exclusively looking at Duncan, "Alright meet you down in a few minutes."

He hung up the phone and started to head through the living room, avoiding the ropes, clenched shut traps, and Duncan's hand. The two got up from their traps and watched Noah walk outside the door.

Owen sighed and looked over to Duncan, disappointed. "Sorry it didn't work out, but thanks for trying anyway."

But Owen was surprised to find that Duncan was smirking confidently.

"Time for Plan D."

Noah stepped into the elevator. This was exactly what he needed from Duncan's antics: a break. And what better break than watching his two best friends talk in detail about some murder show over strawberry ice cream?

Suddenly, the elevator started to make noise and shift around. Noah wasn't sure what to think of it, and didn't have enough time to anyway. Pretty soon, the lights went out and the elevator stopped moving altogether.

Noah looked confused. It was working just fine the whole time. Why was the elevator suddenly acting up on them now?

Izzy set down the large garden shears on the roof. "Plan D is a go,” she gave a thumbs up to Duncan through her phone.

"Alright. Thanks Izzy", Duncan hung up the phone as he stood outside the hallway of their apartment floor.

Owen looked at the closed elevator door scared out of his mind. "Are you insane?!"

"Relax, he's not gonna get hurt", Duncan reassured. Maybe a little more lax than he should've been. "He's just gonna stay in there, have the baby, and then after that's over the elevator will be back up and running. Works all the time on TV."

Owen looked at Duncan in a mix of fear and anger, the latter of which . "Are you SURE?!"

"Absolutely. He'll be out before you know it."

*Ding!*

Hours later, the elevator door finally made it to the ground floor. Noah perked up from his improv'd nap, and started to get up.

Which was a bit of a struggle since he still had a bump the size of a bowling ball under shirt.

"NOAH!"

Noah was immediately met out the door with a hug from his husband. Not quite as crushing as Owen usually would, but still enough to have Noah face first in a stained tuxedo shirt.

"You're alive! I was SO worried about you!"

"Mmmph!"

"Oh right", Owen chuckled nervously and pulled Noah away, the latter gasping for air the second he could. Owen then took him into his arms and Noah got a better view. Surrounding them were a couple of firemen, various apartment neighbors checking on the commotion, and one of DJ's Mommas checking on what happened to her elevator. And her answer soon came pushing through to the front of the small crowd.

"Well,” Duncan looked at Noah in anticipation, "Did you have the kid?"

Noah glared at Duncan. If looks could kill, he'd be in a coffin. "Does it LOOK LIKE I had the kid?!", he pointed to his stomach for emphasis.

“I mean,” Duncan feigned innocence, “At least nobody got hurt?”

“Except for our property values,” DJ’s other momma stepped out of the stairwell, staring Duncan down sternly. “Duncan I know you don’t have bad intentions. Well...you sorta do, but you’re lucky I didn’t call you in for the noise complaints or for breaking the elevator.”

The last few years of Duncan’s life flashed before his eyes. He had been working hard to get out of parole, and he had almost just screwed it all up. “I’ll be on my best behavior, ma’am.”

“And you better stay on it for the episode recording,” Noah remarked as Owen carried him off.

“Look, are you sure there’s no way you can give birth tonight? What if I….punch you in the stomach or something?” Duncan was frantically burning through the less life-threatening letters of his plan. Time was running out on him and he was getting desperate. As in, desperate enough to try to plead with Noah and Owen in the bedroom.

“Duncan that would have a very different effect,” Noah tried to bury his face in his book, “As in there would be no more baby.”

“What if I-“

“Face it Duncan, you lost,” he tried to sit up more, but failed, “Geoff or whoever has tomorrow will probably win given my luck.”

“Fine I’ll lay off.” As Duncan paced away, he pulled out his phone and made a call, “Izzy, call off the laser assassins.”

Noah watched him leave and rolled his eyes, before turning his attention back to his book. Next to him laid Owen, who looked far more concerned.

"Do you really think it'll be tomorrow,” he asked, hoping Noah was just being funny again.

"Trust me buddy, I'd love to think ‘no’ too. But I also know luck is not often on my side in terms of timing."

Owen looked down at his twiddling fingers. Noah did have a point, he did tend to get the short end of the stick in a lot of things.

"I don't feel good about this", he thought aloud. "Maybe we should just call out or-"

"We can't", Noah interrupted. "You heard what LeShawna said; the higher-ups are getting impatient. If we don't get the episode done tomorrow, that could be the end of the whole show,” he put his hand on his temple in strain. "And at this point, I don't think we really have much of a choice. We're doing the episode."

"But what about you?” Owen asked, still concerned. "And what about the baby?"

"Relax Lunchbox. This baby is just gonna come when it wants to."

And with that out in the room, Owen looked worried for a moment before deciding, "Alright. 100th episode tomorrow. Woo!", Owen raised his fists trying to get excited despite his worries.

"Yeah", Noah agreed with less enthusiasm. He set the book down and rubbed his swollen stomach. He could feel a number of small kicks where his hand was.

“Just one more day,” he thought to himself, “Just PLEASE wait one more day to come out. Heck, even just after the episode. Just wait a little while longer.”

"Duncan's started the car up. You ready to go hon?"

"Almost,” Noah answered as he finished tying his tie, "Can't believe it's the big day already."

"I know,” Owen looked excited. Well, a mixture of worry and excitement, given the circumstances.

The two were about to leave, when Noah felt their small army of dogs tugging at his pant legs.

"Hey. Come on sweeties. What's wrong?” Owen asked them, but the corgis persisted in their tugging, clearly trying to keep them from going outside the door.

It was odd. They’d get the occasional pant tug from Chewy, but never from all six of them.

Noah shrugged. "They probably want to come along with us to the show. They were in a few episodes before after all."

"Aww. Do you guys want to come too?", Owen cooed to the corgis and scooped them up in his arms, ignoring their persistent whining. With the smaller dogs out of the way, an older golden retriever pushed through and plodded in front of Noah, whining and poking his knee with its head.

Sighing, Noah stepped around his childhood pet, “Sorry Ark, but I have to go do my job. Wish I had your job, all I’d have to do is be cute.” He attempted to reach down and pet Ark, but bending more than a few inches was impossible.

Owen placed a gentle hand on Noah’s shoulder, “Last chance: are you sure you want to do this? As important as this show is, you’re more important.”

Noah blushed slightly, “No, do...OH!” He doubled over in a flash of sudden blinding pain. Well, not doubled over; more like 15 degrees over.

“D’oh?” Owen pondered before quickly realizing what was happening and guiding Noah to a seat. “That’s not a good sign, hubby, it sounds like con-“

“Don’t, ermf, say that, ugh, word,” Noah managed to pull himself to his feet, grunting and sweating profusely. “Just some, umf, pain in the crotch area. Probably just a forceful kick; it’ll be fine as long as I’m sitting.”

Owen ruminated on the best course of action before responding, “I guess we can do the shoot if you say you’re okay. Just promise me you’ll be fine.”

“I’ll be fine,” Noah winced at the still throbbing pain, “Let’s get going, lunchbox.”

Chapter Text

The 3 men walked on the lot to head to the studio. Well, 2 men were. Noah was being carried in Owen's arms after nearly falling on their apartment floor. Behind them, an army of dogs followed Owen, constantly whining and staying close to his legs.

 "I don't get it,” Duncan noted the dogs, “What's got them all worked up?”

"They've been like this all morning,” Noah didn't even look up from his book. 

"Yeah,” Owen added, “I wonder if it's because of the ba-"

"NO!” Noah interrupted and glared up at Owen, "Do NOT jinx it!" 

Owen quickly decided to shut up. He looked down at their feet, crunching in the snow. It was early February, so seeing it snow in Canada was nothing new. But he did noticed how he could barely see his sneakers through it.

"Sure is snowing a lot today,” he noted, "You think it'll snow any more when we're done?"

"Probably,” Duncan answered. "It is winter. Let's just hope it's not a blizzard."

"What did I just say about jinxing?" 

"How's everything tasting so far, big guy?"

Owen licked the rest of the batter off his fingers. "Delicious! They're really putting their all into this one."

Noah rolled his eyes, but had a small smile on his face. This dork, this dork that he married. But that smile quickly changed to a grimace as he squeezed the arm of his chair.

"You doing ok?” Owen bent down to Noah's eye level in his chair, “Feeling any more….’kicks’?"

Noah tried to look indifferent, and grabbed Owen's hand, “A few, but nothing that I can't handle."

Owen looked at Noah concerned. He could tell from his face that Noah had been sweating for some time, and that his signature eyebrow was struggling, tempting, to keep arched up and not furrow into distress.

The tight squeeze Owen felt Noah give his hand didn't help either. He badly wanted to call the rest of the shoot off, but before he could say anything the blinking red light that indicated that filming was resuming came on. 

“Welcome back to Cook Our Dinner!” Owen announced while Noah squirmed in his seat uncomfortably, “For the second challenge of the day we asked our chefs to bake us a stack of pancakes that somehow represented memorable moments from our show’s previous episodes!” 

“We were purposefully vague in the instru-ERG!” another wave of blinding pain shot through Noah and for a few seconds he could barely speak. 

Owen finished for him, “We were vague in the instructions so we hope you came up with something good.” 

Noah recovered enough to say the next part, “First up is Chef Alex,” he paused, “Oh god not this guy.” Chef Alex had been on Cook Our Dinner a few months ago and had accidentally made a recently-pregnant Noah throw up when he made something with onions in it, unknowingly upsetting Noah’s stomach. He had been eliminated pretty quickly. 

“I made three kinds of pancakes today: red velvet ones in honor of episode 48,” episode 48 had been a Mother Day’s episode where the third challenge was a red velvet cake, “Cheese pancakes in honor of episode 33,” that episode had been devoted to cheese, “And onion pancakes for episode 79,” episode 79 had been the one that Alex had previously competed in.

“Onion pancakes,” Noah repeated. 

“Yeah!....oh.” 

“Are you now realizing why giving me a food that makes me throw up is a bad idea?” 

“At least the other ones are good?” He was grasping for straws.

“You used too much salt.” 

“Oh.” 

“I liked them!” Owen had eaten the vast majority of the pancakes. 

"Of course you did", Noah snarked. He winced as Alex left back to his cooking station.

"And our next chef up is Chef Broom!” Owen introduced as Noah squeezed his hand again.

"Ah Broom. Is this gonna be like last time?” Noah thought back to the last episode Chef Broom appeared on. A quick elimination, but one that garnered a lot of internet attention for her rather...out of the box ideas.

"Ok so maybe pineapples and meatloaf don't go together for a reason,” Broom admitted, and rubbed the back of her neck. Boy that was embarrassing. "But I don't think that's gonna happen again this time.

"So what'd you make us?"

"I made you guys pancake kebabs,” Chef Broom held out the various mini-pancakes on skewers. "With all kinds of different flavored pancakes. The one Owen has is meat flavored from episode 24,” the episode where Noah and Owen brought their dogs to guest judge, “And the one Noah has are different kinds of vegetables from episode 86,” the episode where Bridgette came along to try to get Noah on a health kick while he was feeding for two.

"Great. More people trying to get me to eat vegetables,” Noah didn't even bother to taste it and handed his kebab to Owen.

"I liked that they're shaped", Owen said in-between bites, noting the pancakes shaped like bones and dog toys.

"True,” Noah added on, "Points for creativity, I gue-AAGH!" Noah was interrupted again as more pain entered his abdomen.

"Are you alright?” Broom asked their judge.

"I'm...fine,” Noah managed to get out a few seconds later. He stopped to catch his breath before continuing. "And, gasp, last is Chef Vanessa".

Despite the previous chefs' lackluster reviews, Chef Vanessa's smile didn't fade. She actually looked more confident than before.

"Well I made you guys one pancake. I made it a large one after episode 15,” the episode that was all about going big or going home. And they sure went big.

And for the first time that day Noah smiled. His eyes sparkled as he looked at the pancake that took over Vanessa's entire cooking station.

"It's a cinnamon roll pancake topped with strawberries."

"Finally. A decent pancake!” Noah was excited. Even if he knew the strawberries were only there to blatantly play up to his biggest craving. And to think if he listened to Owen he would be missing out on this delicacy.

Vanessa tried to lift the pancake, but couldn't under all the weight. They tried to reach their arms under the pancake for the plate, but the plate was way too small to support the whole thing without toppling on the floor.

"I uh,” she chuckled nervously, "I guess I made it a little TOO big. I... can't bring it to your table."

And once again, Noah's face turned to it's usual irritated frown. He sighed, before raising his hand to Owen. He grabbed his arm chair with the other and struggled to try and get up.

"Uh, Noah I don't think you should-"

"I'm just walking a few steps to get to that pancake," Noah insisted, and grabbed into Owen's arm to hoist himself to his feet. 

Having succeeded in standing, he slowly plodded over to Vanessa's cooking station, Owen following very close behind him. He groaned with each step, ignoring how their usually obedient corgis were tugging on his pant legs again. It was only a few steps, at most 10, but to Noah it felt like 5 flights of stairs. 

Finally, he made it to the large pancake, his reward for his effort. He grabbed a nearby fork, and took a large bite.

And suddenly, everything went quiet. And not just suspenseful for a TV commercial break quiet, like... REALLY quiet. Everyone, from the contestants to the crew, just looked down on the floor around Noah in shock.

Noah finally stopped chewing, and gulped loudly. This shoot was about to get harder.

"Uh,” Owen finally broke the silence, staring at the floor, looking scared out of his mind, “Buddy-"

"It's an interesting taste,” Noah tried to ignore what Owen was going to point out. He knew what just happened, but was trying to bear through it and remain indifferent, "Not sure if I would put the strawberries and cinnamon together like that again-"

"Buddy-"

“Maybe a little less on the glaze, it's a tad overpowering-"

"Noah-"

"But overall, I think this pancake is very-"

"NOAH!"

"I KNOW!” Noah snapped to Owen. "I KNOW what just happened looks bad, but it is FINE-"

Owen pointed down to the floor, "It's NOT fine, your water just broke!"

Noah closed his eyes and winced, trying to ignore the liquid surrounding him. On broadcasting TV. To be aired internationally.

"I know Owen,” he forced out in between heavy breathing, "But I can keep going. It's just a small thing to be cleaned up and-"

Noah suddenly stopped talking, and his eyes widened as he felt another large pain. This one being even bigger than the last one. He used one arm to lean against the table, the only thing to keep him from falling to the floor, and clutched his stomach with the other.

"NOAH!” Owen ran over to help keep his husband up from the ground.

"Oh FUCK ME!” Noah screamed from the pain.

"Hey,” Duncan hollored from behind his camera position, "That part already happened, ner-".

Duncan didn't get to finish his snark before Noah threw a spoon at his face, “DUNCAN, SHUT THE EVERLOVING FUCK UP!"

LeShawna leaned into her earpiece as the hosts continued panicking. 

"Cut to commercial! CUT TO COMMERCIAL!"

A few seconds later, a bell rang out and LeShawna quickly moved out towards the duo.

"Oh my gosh, ok we're gonna settle this down,” she took Noah back to his chair. Owen let go and quickly started to pace around the set in a panic.

"I knew it! I KNEW we should've just called out! Why didn't I listen to my gut? Why did we listen to the dogs! Ark is old, why else would she get up and-"

As he continued on, the 3 contestants looked at the scene unfolding, unsure of what to do. Broom leaned to Alex and whispered, "Is this part of the show?"

"I don't think so,”  he whispered back.

"You've been having these all morning?! And you didn't say anything?!" LeShawna looked down in disbelief. "What were you thinking?!"

Noah managed to groan out, "That's the thing....I wasn't."

"You got that right,” LeShawna pulled out her phone, "You need to get going to the hospital."

Noah struggled to stay up against the table. "I'm fine,” he managed to strain out from the pain, "I can keep filming."

"No. You can't,” LeShawna argued back, "I'm gonna call DJ for what he thinks. OWEN,” the name call finally made Owen stop his fretting for a second. "You start taking Noah out of here." She started to dial DJ's number.

"No! LeShawna don't call him! I can keep going-EUGHH!" Noah stopped talking as more pain hit him again. "Owen….,” he barely squeaked out, "Help me out here please."

Instead, Owen pulled out his phone and dialed a different number, shaking the whole time in panic.

"Hey Iz,” he spoke into it, "Yeah...yeah it's time….uh-huh...no, he's resisting."

It wasn't even seconds later before a small entourage bursted through the set doors. An entourage of a muscular woman, an enigma, a half feral man, and a bear. What a dream team.

"Sorry it took us so long," Izzy said. "Traffic."

Eva immediately ran to Noah, and grabbed him in her arms, "Alright Noah, let's get going."

"We can't! The episode! What am I supposed to do about that?"

A phone rang at the front desk of the hospital. The receptionist momentarily stopped typing at her keyboard, before picking up the line, "Hello?"

"Yes hi,” LeShawna sounded nervous, "Is DJ there?"

"Devon? Uh, no he's not,” the receptionist answered in between types, “Who is this?"

"I'm calling for one of his patients; Susata-McHatch. He's-"

"Susata-McHatch?! AGAIN? Look, we already told you guys they're probably early contractions, so tell them to just calm down and-" 

"No this is IT this time!"

"I have my orders ma'am. They can't come back unless their doctor says they can come back."

"But you said he's off! What are we supposed to do, get him?!

"I guess! So either do that or wait tomorrow cause they can't come back without his consent,” the receptionist hung up the line and went back to typing furiously.

"You could've been a little nicer to them,” another nearby receptionist told her.

"I know, but those guys caught me in the middle of this level,” she kept typing her keys on the computer playing an online game. "I'm in the zone!"

LeShawna hung up and groaned in frustration. She turned back to the group of four, "DJ's not there and they said you can't come in til he says so."

"Great. So let's just continue filming and go get him after,” Noah stopped talking as another pain hit him, "...ok maybe we should get him now."

LeShawna rolled her eyes, “Now you're finally using that brain,” She then looked over at a certain green haired cameraman, who had just gotten a spoon off of his face, "Duncan!"

"Yo,” he walked over to the group calmly. Probably a little too calmly considering the circumstances.

"You're in charge of the rest of the episode."

"WHAT?” Duncan quickly started to protest, "Well there's gotta be someone else. Maybe you could-"

"You've been begging for your own special episode for so long, here's your chance,” she handed him a mic, "Congrats."

"But not today! Guys, this is my last day on parole. MacArthur's watching,” Duncan pointed back to the brash cop herself. He turned back to Noah breathing on the floor, "Noah, can't you try to hold it in?"

"Will somebody slap him for me?"

Izzy quickly obliged.

"OW!"

"Done and done,” she dusted off her hands, satisfied with her job. Duncan rubbed the back of his head and continued on, "But isn't there a way you guys could stay until the shoot is done?"

"Ok Duncan,” LeShawna came back into the conversation. "They can stay for the next couple of hours of filming. And if Noah just happens to be ready to give birth during it, YOU'LL be in charge of delivering the baby."

Duncan looked absolutely disgusted. Seeing birth on TV was terrible enough, he didn't want to see what the live performance was like.

He helped to hoist Noah up to his feet and started to push them out the studio door, "Noah they're right. You need to get out of here."

"That's what I thought."

As they were pushed out, an elderly golden retriever came plodding along by Noah's legs. Noah looked down at her. "Ark no. You have to stay, make sure Duncan doesn't wreck everything."

He tried to send her to Duncan, but she didn't budge from her spot. He tried to walk away more, but Ark kept following tugging on his pants.

"Ark, no. Stay,” he repeated, but she didn't relent. He tried to gently shoo her away but to his surprise, she nipped his hand. 

"Ow,” he looked at where the nip was. It didn't break the skin, but it was weird. She's never bitten him before. Why now?

He looked back at Ark growling at LeShawna, trying to grab her by the collar, as she pressed against his stomach. He knew exactly why now.

He sighed. "Alright,” he petted her head to calm her down, "You can come too."

Eva smiled. Leave it to her nerd to try and bring his dog with him to a baby delivery. She turned back to her bear and half feral human, "Chainsaw, Ezekiel, stay here. Make sure he stays somewhat in control." Chainsaw saluted her and growled at Duncan.

Noah sighed, he really didn't want to leave Duncan of all people in charge of his show. His and Owen's reward for so many years of painful reality TV trials and failures (well, Noah's failures anyway) being carted off to a punk with a criminal record and possibly Noah's old pants. But, it didn't look like he had much of a choice. 

"Owen, give him the book,” Noah looked back towards his husband. Owen obliged and ran to their judge's table.

"Ok Duncan, there are a few rules you have to follow."

SLAM!

Owen dropped the large book down on the table. Duncan's eyes went wide.

"Just follow all the steps, and everything should go fine,” Owen said. "Don't worry, it's all going to be a-ok!” 

Duncan looked at the book in dread. He didn't want to have to get out of the school just to read another textbook. But, his hosts were busy. And they were gonna stay busy all day with the labor. Maybe he could make a few small changes, add his own twist.

He finally nodded, "Alright. I'll do it."

"....AAAGH!" At that moment, Noah groaned again, another wave of pain hitting. Ark whimpered and tried to keep him at his feet.

"Alright, show's covered. Car's running, let's move it out,” Eva ran out the door with Izzy following close behind. Owen started to head out behind them, before noticing he almost forgot something important-his husband. "Noah?"

Noah was standing as best as he could and looked at Duncan.

"Do NOT screw this up", he mustered the best death glare he could under the pain, “If the higher ups see you screwing around they’ll cancel the show in an instant.” 

"Relax nerd,” Duncan gave him a smirk in return. "If the higher-ups didn't give the instant can after seeing your water break, how worse can I do? I couldn't ruin your precious show even if I tried."

Noah sighed, deeply, and turned back to his husband. Owen kept a close hand on Noah and helped him walk out towards the door, Ark tagging behind as fast as she could. 

"I'm gonna regret this so much ,” Noah mumbled as he headed out the doors.

And the second the doors closed behind him...he was proven right.

“Finally!” Duncan tossed the book over his shoulder, “I’ve been waiting for him to give me my chance to shine.” He turned to the contestants, “Throw away everything you know cuz it’s MY time!” 

Broom now turned towards Vanessa's side,” Should we be afraid?"

Vanessa turned back to her with a stern look of dread and disappointment, "Yes."

Chapter Text

Duncan kicked back with his feet on the judges’ table as he watched the contestants scurry around the kitchen. He had had no idea what he was supposed to do, and since he couldn’t find the book he had just told the chefs to make a cake that captured the essence of Cook Our Dinner. He was already getting the hang of things. Having finished plowing through all three boxes of doughnuts, MacArthur emerged from the back and leaned on Duncan’s shoulder playfully, “Well well well, last day of parole, isn’t it Duncan? AND you get to run the show? Lucky dog, I say. Lucky dog.”

“Psh,” Duncan waved his hand, “This is easy money; I just have to sit here and yell stuff every couple minutes.” He turned to the contestants and shouted, “FIVE MINUTES TILL THE PASTRY FURNACE COMES OUT!”

“I’m impressed, honestly. As long as you keep things under control I’ll be able to sign your freedom papers.” She gave him a pat on the back, “Now if you’ll excuse me those doughnuts are shooting right for the pancreas.” The second she disappeared back into the backstage area, a calamity broke out. Broom had accidentally knocked a pot full of oil over onto a hot burner, and a fire was now spreading.

Duncan repeated what MacArthur had told him, “As long as you keep things under control.” This definitely didn’t count as keeping things under control. Moving with speed he had never experienced before, Duncan sprinted across the showroom, tore a fire extinguisher off the wall, and sprayed it around wildly. Fire extinguisher landed on the fire, Alex’s cake, and inside a vent grate. After a beat of stunned silence, the fire was out and the three contestants resumed baking. Duncan relaxed and poked a thumb towards Broom, “See? I got things taken care of.”

“BLECH! This is disgusting!” A familiar voice said from the vent. Recognizing the voice, Duncan quickly popped the grate off and looked inside.

“Sierra?”

“The one and only!” The queen of gossip scurried out of her place in the vents, where she had been folded at an impossible angle, “I wanted to get some good pics of the special but this is even better! I can have full run of the place!”

“I don’t think-“

“I’ll give you two hundred bucks.”

“Deal. Just stay clear of MacArthur.”

Sierra rubbed her hands together, “So where should I start? Can I interview the chefs? Is the infamous Cheese Laser in storage here? What else is being filmed right now? What about-OOO!” Noah and Owen’s corgis had been staying in their dressing room in the backstage, but the sudden chaos had left them unattended and they were now running amok through the kitchen. “I can get some fur samples from these babies!” she took off running after the pups.

An obnoxious buzzing came from a phone on the judges’ table, and Duncan hurried over to answer it. A video call with Noah popped up on the flat-screen tv. He was laying in the backseat of Eva and Izzy’s car and he looked very frazzled. “How’s it going, Duncan?”

“All good, boss man! I got it under control,” Duncan turned the phone to face the chefs so that Noah could see the three of them working away.

“Why’s there-erk-three?” he grunted as the car hit a bump, “You were supposed to eliminate one after the last round.”

“How was I supposed to know that?”

“You were-AGH! Look, this is too important for you to mess up. The higher ups are watching very closely and are holding our fate in their hands. Bridgette and Geoff should be nearby so I’ll send them over to help you. Got it?” The call cut off before Duncan could answer.

“Looks like hosting’s a bit harder than you thought,” another familiar voice spoke, standing behind Duncan, “Seems like you need someone who’s a bit more...Blainerific.”

Duncan whirled around, “What are you doing here, Blaineley?”

“You’re in over your head here. You need someone who’s an experienced host with experienced talents.”

“And that’s you? Come to think of it, how did you even find your way in?”

“Of course. And did you know that they filmed the Puppy Bachelorette here? I know my way around.”

“Well-“ Duncan was cut off by the sound of heavy footsteps. MacArthur was approaching and shouted rather loudly as she neared the door.

“Boy I sure can’t wait till I see how Duncan’s doing! He’s a great guy but if he’s messed anything up I’ll have to extend his parole for another six months at LEAST!”

Blaineley smirked, “Wow, if only there was someone who could keep her distracted while you cleaned things up.”

“What do you want?”

“$200 so I can get my car towed.”

“Deal. Get it from Sierra.”

“I have no recollection of who that is,” Blaineley headed through the door to the backstage and could be heard saying, “MacArthur! What a coincidence, would you like a tour of the building?”

“Damn dude, that’s totally gnarly,” the easily recognizable voices of Geoff and Bridgette made Duncan breathe a sigh of relief.

“Thank goodness you guys are here; I honestly have no idea what I’m supposed to be doing and things are going very poorly.”

“What’s happened?” Bridgette began to glance around and noticed some of the leftovers from what had been happening.

“There was a grease fire that I managed to put out, the corgis are loose, Sierra is here and chasing the corgis, and I’m paying Blaineley to give MacArthur a tour so that she doesn’t discover that I’m not actually keeping things under control.”

“Oh let me grab the fire extinguisher,” Bridgette took a step towards the judges’ table, not noticing that her foot was caught on one of the cords connected to the television, “Because the thing about grease fires is,” her foot tugged the cord out of the wall, causing the tv to shift and tilt precariously, “They tend to reignite.” The television came crashing down in the middle of the soundstage, narrowly missing the humans and dogs. Sparks flew and ignited several small fires.

Immediately pandemonium consumed the contest. Broom and Alex wisely made the beeline for the nearest exit. Vanessa tried to follow but three terrified corgis tackled them to the ground. Sierra tried to chase one of the dogs over the collapsed television, but the weight of a human was too much and it shattered, sending her through a surprise pitfall. Like that wasn’t enough, Ezekiel and Chainsaw the bear burst out of the backstage area and began hooting and hollering as they attacked the fallen tv with a never before seen fervor. “The only way this could get worse is if MacArthur showed up,” Duncan groaned. On cue, the door swung open.

However, the door did not bring MacArthur and Blaineley like Duncan had expected. Instead, a legion of people in suits and earpieces marched out and began setting things in order. Some swept aside pieces of technology, put out the fires, lured Ezekiel and Chainsaw away, and corralled the dogs. Two handed Sierra a press badge and led her through a door to a green room. Just as Duncan picked his jaw off the floor one of them approached him and handed him a business card. “Hartro Plitz, administrative assistant of Lionel Gulitzman, at your service.”

“Lionel Gulitzman, who’s that?” Duncan scratched his head.

“He’s CEO of Reality Pictures, which is owned by Fresh TV, of which Cook Our Dinner Productions is a subsidiary.”

“Uh, cool. Why’d they send you?”

“We need to get things back on track; analysts say that the ratings for this episode are going to be HUGE. Point is you need to get out of here, by order of the higher ups.”

“Wait the higher ups? Why do they want me to leave? And who are they?”

“Yes, you need to go to the hospital so we can get good PR, and they're the people who just renewed this show for another season.”

“ANOTHER SEASON? Noah’s gonna be proud of me.”

“Yes, but he’ll never know unless you leave.”

“Wait, who will host the rest of this episode?”

“We have some celebrity guest judges on the way. No one too big, just Oprah and The Rock.”

Knowing that his time (and luck) was up, Duncan hurried out of the studio with Geoff and Bridgette close behind him. As he left, he could hear Hartro saying into her earpiece, “Get the Noah doppelgänger....we can deepfake the baby….No I have not seen Breaking Dawn.”

Once Duncan and Co were out of the room, Blaineley and MacArthur emerged from the backstage. Blaineley scanned the room annoyed and shouted, “Hey Duncan! Where’s my money?” Stepping behind the judges’ table to see if he had left anything for her, she failed to notice the puddle of Noah’s...liquid that had not yet been cleaned up. She slipped and landed hard on her back, left ignored by the executive assistants when she found she could not get up.

Chapter Text

“Are we almost there yet Eva?” Owen called up to the front seat. They were in the back of Eva and Izzy’s van while the two women sat in the front seats.

“I can’t see a FREAKING thing!” Eva spat. Snow was falling down thick and hard, and visibility was near zero. The car was inching along at a snail’s pace towards the hospital. “Can these GODDAMN snowflakes FALL any FASTER!” she slammed on the horn.

As soon as she finished her sentence, almost a foot of snow fell at once, and the downfall ceased. Eva pressed the gas pedal all the way down, but the tires spun out in the snow. “You, GAH, had to ask,” Noah forced out a snark, “Uh oh.” Blood began to pool in his pants and quickly seeped out to puddle around his legs.

“Uh!!!! Eva!!!” Owen frantically grabbed a ratty blanket and tried to soak it up.

Eva jerked her head back to see what was happening and, since there was no need for a driver in an immobile car, climbed over the barrier to the back. “Don’t use those ones; they’re Chainsaw’s favorite.” She grabbed a pile of fluffy white towels that had Holiday Inn insignias on them, “Use this trash instead.”

Izzy also scrambled into the back, “Woah! It looks like we had another murder back here!”

“Another WHAT?!” Owen’s voice squeaked as he desperately tried to clean up the blood.

“It’s pronounced ‘burger’, babe,” Eva facepalmed, “And those were way too raw.”

“Hey uh,” Owen gave up on cleaning the mess, “Can we get going again?”

“No use. Given how much snow there is and how tightly it’s packed we won’t be moving anytime soon.” Eva placed a reassuring hand on Owen’s back, before pulling it away when she realized his shirt was drenched in nervous sweat.

Owen’s voice cracked, “Oh...what about walking? Or an ambulance?”

“Too cold to walk and we wouldn’t be able to carry Noah. And the ambulances are as stranded as we are until the plows come through.”

“JUST DO SOMETHING!” Noah screamed as another contraction rolled through.

Suddenly, they heard a tapping sound on the glass. Owen turned to the window to see a finger, but the rest was obscured by the snow.

Suddenly, another gloved hand came up and wiped off the frost to reveal Geoff and Cody smiling, the latter holding a box of pizza.

"Somebody order a pizza?” Cody cracked a large geeky smile at his own joke.

"No. Literally no one asked for a pizza,” Noah couldn't believe this idiot. This gap-toothed fedora donning moron that was his video game buddy.

"Cody? Geoff?” Owen asked. "What are you guys doing out here?"

"Looking for you guys,” Geoff explained. "We're gonna get you to the hospital."

"Great. So how are the six of us going to get out of this heap?"

"Who said it was just the six of us?" Geoff smirked.

It was then Noah looked to the front of the car and saw that almost all of their old Total Drama co-competitors, shoveling the snow out of their way and trying to start up Eva's car.

"Are...how are you all-"

"You didn't think pizza was the only thing we brought did you?” now it was Cody's turn to smirk as he ate a slice.

Noah couldn't believe it. Everyone coming to help him and Owen out of this disaster of a day.

Now this sort of teamwork may seem a little out of character after their past decade of rivalry and drama for ratings on TV as a random massive display of camaraderie that probably would never actually happen to them in a canon setting.

And that's because it is.

Noah held fast to his pessimism, “Even with all these people shoveling, how are we going to clear a path in time?”

Geoff pointed out past the van, “It’s not just shoveling.”

Beth pulled up in a snow plow and hopped out, “Howdy folks!”

"Beth,” Noah couldn't believe it. Who would've guessed the farm girl would be coming in clutch? "You brought a snow plow?"

"Of course I did,” she smiled proudly, “I couldn't just leave my gaybies to suffer."

"Don't ever say that again."

Bridgette poked her head through the open doors of the van, “Hey aren’t you forgetting something?”

Owen blinked rapidly as he thought, “Check, check, check, check….CRAP WE FORGOT TO CALL DJ!”

“Urmf,” Noah struggled to a sitting position, “The one person we need to get permission from to enter the hospital and we- ARGH! forgot him.”

“No need to worry guys!” Bridgette stepped aside and DJ popped up, stepping into the van.

“Duncan’s been texting me nonstop since this morning. I called you into the hospital five hours ago", he explained as he tried to examine Noah as best as he could.

"How far apart are the pains now?"

"Oh I don't know if they've ever been apart,” Owen answered nervously as he looked out at the shoveling. "I mean I've been feeling kinda rumbly since this morning but I thought that was just the stew moving through me-"

"I was talking to Noah,” DJ interrupted before Owen could get into more detail.

"AGGH!...What he said,” Noah pointed to Owen, "Never...felt apart". He then let out a deep groan as the contraction ended. "That was a REALLY bad Duncan."

DJ raised a confused eyebrow, "Duncan?"

"That's what he calls the contractions,” Eva explained as she put her seatbelt on.

"It makes sense,” Noah defended himself, "Unimaginable pain that's short, but happens very frequently."

"Ah nerd, flatter me more why don't you?"

Outside the car door stood Duncan, beaming from ear to ear. A little out of place considering they were barely starting to get back on track to the hospital.

"What went wrong?” Noah dared to ask and bring more pain upon him. "How badly are the higher-ups going to fire us?"

"Actually, Mr. Pessimist, I managed to score you guys a new season,” Duncan bragged,"So your precious show may be on its way to episode 200."

Noah sighed in relief. Well, some relief considering his state right now, “And you finished filming?

"Yeah. And the higher-ups got everything after I left covered. I'm sure if they can get Oprah they can get some good set repairmen,” Duncan responded absentmindedly.

"Good. Thank you Dun-,” Noah tried to relax, before he realized what Duncan just said, "Wait, what was that about Oprah?"

"Nothing,” Duncan quickly changed the subject, “So uh...how's labor been going for ya?"

CRUNCH!

That was the sound Duncan heard as Noah wordlessly squeezed onto his hand, another ‘Duncan’ hitting him.

"Painfully,” Duncan managed to strain out, “Got it."

"Seven minutes,” DJ looked down on his phone clock, "Ok, we still have some time to get there."

Just then, Noah felt something else move. But this time it wasn't any more fluid, thank goodness. It was the van moving through the now plowed snow, Beth making a path for them to use. Eva followed, making sure not to hit anyone beside them. Everyone else had finished their shoveling and started to get either into Beth's snow plow or Geoff's large van.

"You know, you're really great at plowing,” an innocent voice of curiosity popped up in the chapter and in Beth’s snowplow, "You had a lot of practice?"

And just like that, Cody was kicked out of the plow and quickly settled into Eva's van amongst all the action.

Eva glanced to the back seat as the nerd settled himself in. She handed him more of the Holiday Inn towels, "Clean up that blood."

Cody cringed, but did as he was asked in fear of having to walk to the hospital.

Eva grimaced as she continued driving. Despite Owen and Cody's efforts, the blood was still seeping into her back seat. It was gonna dry up and look a mess. And they didn't even cause it.

"What's wrong?” Izzy took notice of her girlfriend's distress.

"I just paid this van off."

——-

The receptionist was busy tapping at her keyboard to the sound of the storm outside. It was usually quiet work on this side of the hospital. That silence quickly ceased when she heard the murmurs of adults outside. She looked out and saw the horde was running towards the doors.

"What the-!”

And that's all she got out before roughly twenty adults came crowding the front desk.

"Hey we have an emergency-"

"We're gonna need a room and a wheelchair-"

"It's such a good thing you're open-"

"Yeah. Totally a good-"

"How big would you say the waiting room is-"

"Are we allowed to bring in the dog-"

"Hold on!” the receptionist finally spoke, "Who are all of you?"

Nevertheless, the conversation chaos continued with everyone still speaking over each other.

"We're just trying to get our friend through the snow and-"

"I'm gonna be your gravedigger if you don't get my nerd into a room-"

"How do you NOT recognize me?! I was on the BIGGEST reality show of-"

"I was the CIT!....I really should've said more about myself than-"

"Well, I'm Lindsay, and this is Tyler, and-"

"Why do you wanna know who I am? Are you a spy for the Mounties?! Are you recording this whole-"

"HEY! WHOA!" The receptionist shouted and waved her arms to silence everyone down. After a second of silence, she cleared her throat and started again, "Ok, let's step back a little bit. Who's the patient?"

As if on cue, a loud scream of pain filled the room. Shortly following it, Owen and DJ rushed in carrying Noah. Everyone immediately pointed to them as they made it to the front desk.

"OH MY GOD!", the receptionist looked on in shock.

"He's,” Owen got in between breaths, "He's having a baby!"

"He's five minutes apart now. We need to get him set up,” DJ instructed quickly.

The receptionist gulped. Guess it wasn't a false alarm this time. "Uh-HEY! We need a wheelchair here!"

A nurse shortly came in with a wheelchair. Owen and DJ sat Noah on it and began to wheel him further inside the hospital.

"Wait. Wait,” Noah stopped them before they could get too far through the doors. "Izzy and Eva,” he turned as much as he could back to them. "I want them there too.”

“Wait a second!” Izzy began frantically patting herself down.

“IZZY!” Noah shouted a bit too loudly, “What could possibly be so important as to-“

"I realized,” she interrupted Noah, "That if Eva and I can go and handle helping deliver this E-Scope baby, then we can do anything together", she stopped patting at her flannel, apparently discovering what she was looking for.

"Izzy NOW!" Noah couldn't believe it. Of all times, of course now to do this, "Can it at least wait until we're in the room?"

"Nope. Izzy's been putting this off for too long."

Izzy went down on one knee and pulled out a small box, “Eva", Izzy opened the box to show a gaudy, multi-studded ring inside, "Will you marry me?"

Eva stood, mouth agape, looking at the ring. It was big and stunning and...expensive…. suspiciously expensive.

She smirked, "You stole this ring, didn't you?"

Izzy shook her head, "All bought with complete honest money."

".....You got the money selling info to Sierra again?"

"Sure did!” Izzy chirped.

She pulled Izzy into her arms smiling, “Red, you are a nutcase,” she told her beloved, "A nutcase that I'm gonna marry."

The others looking on and aww'd. It was a rarity to see Eva like this and live to tell the tale. They watched as Izzy and Eva kissed, everyone in silence so as not to ruin the moment.

"HELLO?!"

Oh right.

"HAVING A BABY HERE!” Noah continued, pointing to his abdomen for emphasis.

"Oh yeah,” Izzy broke the kiss apart and jumped out of Eva's arms,"E-Scope baby, here we come!"

The two women followed DJ, Owen, and Noah to the depths of the hallway to the delivery room.

As they left, everyone else stood around, as if they suddenly realized they didn't have anything else to do.

"Well,” Tyler headed towards the waiting room. "I guess we're waiting"

-------

Owen sighed in relief for the first time in hours, "What a crazy day. We had our 100th episode, Duncan is gonna be off parole, Izzy and Eva are getting married. And here I am,” he sniffled, “About to become a dad with the best little hubby EVER." He closed his eyes and slouched a bit as he continued his reflection, "It didn't go the way we planned, but in the end everything worked out well, and everybody's happy."

"….Owen?"

Owen turned back to his husband, "Yes Noah?"

"Give me your hand,” the smaller man weakly held his hand out.

Owen felt touched, "Aww of course hon-OWWW!"

Owen's reassurance was cut off by a yell of pain when Noah tightly gripped his hand. Owen quickly lost all feeling in his hand, and looked down and saw it was purple now. He was pretty sure he also heard a snap. But what caught his attention even more, was when he looked down at Noah's sweaty strained face.

And Noah looked, to be as frank as possible, fucking pissed.

"DO I LOOK HAPPY?!"

And that's when Owen realized, he made a grave mistake. "No", he answered hesitantly.

"Then shut up about how happy everybody is until we get this kid out of here!"

Owen nodded, "Ok"

A half minute later, Noah loosened his grip on Owen's hand and breathed deeply, "You seriously need to work more on your timing."

"....I think you broke my hand."

——-

Duncan was getting a water bottle from the hospital vending machine when a very excited MacArthur approached him. “DUNCAN!” she grabbed him by the shoulders and shook, “Do you know who I just met? OPRAH! She gave me a new car and everything.”

“Oh, that’s awesome MacArthur but, uh, what about my parole?”

“Yeah!” MacArthur dug the papers out of her back pocket, “I was so impressed by how well you did that I went and got the judge to sign ‘em immediately. As of now, you’re a free man, Duncan!”

“Thank goodness it’s finally over!” He read over the papers with delight.

“So what are you gonna do first? Any good plans?”

“Well,” he handed the forms back to MacArthur, “I think I’ll go see if Courtney wants to go on a date sometime. Maybe start that back up.”

“Best of luck to you dude! Now, I gotta go see about getting my pancreas replaced. Turns out that many doughnuts is NOT humanly possible.” With that she headed away. Duncan got his water bottle from the machine and turned to walk back to the waiting room, slamming right into Courtney, who was standing there with a nervous expression.

“Hey Pri...Courtney! What are you doing back here?”

Courtney grabbed Duncan by the shoulders and pulled him into a tight hug, “I love you, Duncan.”

Mildly confused, Duncan wrapped his arms around Courtney in return, “Uh, same here, Princess. What’s this all about?”

Courtney shied away from him and reached into her pocket, pulling out a small box, “Duncan, we need to get married.” She opened the box to reveal a simple yet elegant silver ring.

He froze, “...What?”

“Do you remember after Noah’s baby shower when you came over to my place and we…,” she placed a hand on her stomach and let him figure out the rest.

“You’re pregnant.”

“Yes,” she rested her head on his shoulder, “My parents would cut me off if they found out this happened out of wedlock then they’ll cut me off and I still have a ton of college left to pay off. Please Duncan...I really want to do this with you.”

Duncan smiled, “Of course, Princess,” he grabbed her hand and gave her a peck on the forehead, “Geoff has a beach house in Trafino that I still have the keys to. We can drive down, spend some time there, and stop by the courthouse to make it official.”

“I’ll love you until the end of time, babe,” Courtney gave Duncan a kiss and the two walked out together to the exit so they could begin their drive.

Chapter Text

DJ looked down to see how far along Noah was. "Alright, Noah, you're ready."

"Finally!" Noah answered, as he squeezed Owen and Eva's good hands, "Let's just get, ERF, this done already!"

"Ok, then", DJ readied his position. "Annnnd, pu-"

"WAIT!!!"

The scene was interrupted by a certain redhead nutball. Izzy pulled out her phone and dialed a number. After a few seconds of ringing, the other end picked up a couple of murmurs from the waiting room. Above them all was Cody's voice, shushing everybody and telling them to be quiet.

"Cody", Izzy spoke into the phone. "Uh-huh, it's happening. We're ready for you."

She held out the phone and put it on speaker.

In the waiting room, the murmuring anticipation was broken, "Ok guys, we're on!" Cody's voice rang out as Harold, Tyler, and Justin shushed everyone else. In a few seconds, it was silent. 

"Okay,” Cody whispered and counted them off, "One, two, three, four-"

The four Drama Brother's voices belted out in harmony.

"Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?"

Izzy let a tear fall down in the sheer awesomeness of a simultaneous Queen cover and Glee reference, before looking back at everybody with a thumbs up. "Okay. Continue."

Noah glared over at Izzy, looking like he was about to get out of the stirrups and strangle her.

Eva whispered to him to try to calm him down, "She means well."

"Caught in a landslide, no escape from reality"

“Is that the baby?!” Owen shouted and pointed.

“No, Owen, that’s Noah’s leg.” 

“Oops, my mistake.” 

“Open your eyes; look up to the skies and see.”  

Noah smiled a bit deliriously, “You knoooOOOOW,” he cringed in pain, “If I knew I was getting into this when I signed up for that reality show, I would have taken that library internship instead.”

“Aww, you don’t mean that buddy, do you?” Owen offered Noah his good hand.

CRUNCH!

Well, what WAS his good hand.

“I really do.” 

“I’m just a poor boy, I need no sympathy.” 

“So is something supposed to be happening?” Eva couldn’t seem to tear her eyes away in horror. 

“What else do you want to be happening?” DJ eyed her curiously.

“I don’t know, arson or something.” 

“Because I’m easy come, easy go, little high, little low.”

Noah screamed in pain. 

“Any way the wind blows, doesn’t really matter to me. To meeeee…”

Izzy whispered into the phone, “Skip the next verse. This is going faster than I thought.” 

In the waiting room, Justin frantically scrolled through the “Bohemian Rhapsody” lyrics page on Genius. 

“Too late, my time has come. Sends shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.” 

“Owen?” Noah’s voice was meek as he strained against the pain.

“Yeah, little buddy?”

Noah choked up as he spoke, “I...I love you. And I’m gonna love our baby.” 

“Goodbye, everybody, I’ve got to go; gotta leave you all behind and face the truth.” 

"I love you too."

Time seemed to slow around them as Owen knelt down to kiss Noah. For almost a second, Noah wasn’t in constant, continuous, ear splitting pain. 

“MAMAAAAA...ooooooh…” 

Back in the waiting room, Trent whispered to Justin, “Y’know how’d she manage to convince us to do this?” 

Justin shrugged. He was in the same confusion boat Trent was. But then they look over at Cody, smiling with tears in his own eyes. 

It was pretty clear who she talked to about this.

"I don't wanna die...I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all!"

The guitar solo started as Noah paused for air, in a small break between pushes. Owen winced at him, feeling like he should say something encouraging.

"You're doing great,” he forced out a weak smile, trying to raise Noah's spirits in all this.

"I'm doing EVERYTHING!" Yeah, Noah wasn't having any of that.

“I see a little silhouette of a man, Sca-“

Izzy whispered/screamed into the phone, “Skip ahead! Skip ahead!” 

Confused muttering ensued on the other end before they resumed. 

“Beezelbub has a devil put aside, for me...for me...for meeeeeeeeeee….”

They trailed off as the screaming intensified, followed by even more screaming. 

"Aw cool", Cody piped up over the guitar solo. "How'd you hit that note man?"

"Dude not the time", Harold whispered to him.

"Ok this is it", DJ's voice called out. "Here's the head."

"Oh….wow.." Eva's queasy groans came next through the phone. 

"Neat!" Next came Izzy's voice, followed by a camera click.

"Wow, does giving birth usually happen that fast?"

Only in the world of Fanfiction, Codemeister.

"Skip to the end", Izzy hurried them up. "Skip to the end!"

“Nothing really matters….to meeeeeee.”

As the piano played, everyone heard the usual sounds from the phone. DJ's orders, Noah's grunts and screams, Owen's ignored words of encouragement.

But what finally stuck out above the other voices was crying. Baby crying. They all froze and smiled at each other, realizing what just happened.

“Any way the wind blows.”

And then came in Justin, caught up in the song, with the final line to end the whole (well not really whole) song. The Drama Brothers all gathered around Cody's phone, trying to find out what was going on.

In the birthing room, Izzy let out a loud gasp. "It's a boy!"

"That's the cord,” DJ sounded tired as he corrected her anatomy.

"It's a girl!"

Cody desperately yelled into the phone, “What are they gonna name her? Cody Jr.? Codette is a nice name!” 

"Would you calm down Sierra", Trent teased. "But what are you guys gonna name her?"

But before any of their questions could be answered, Cody heard a beep on his phone, and saw the call ended. Izzy must've hung up on them.

What a dick move Izzy.

A few minutes later, DJ handed Owen a pink blanket with a small, but cleaner, crying baby inside of it.

"Congratulations guys", Owen could hear DJ's smile behind the mask.

"A girl?", Owen asked, to double check on Izzy's terrible anatomy.

DJ nodded. "A girl."

"Aww! A girl", Owen started crying as he took the baby in his arms. There it was, there she was, after all that time and panic waiting, here.

"Hello there", he said his first words to her, in between sniffling. "Hi. Aww, we've been waiting to finally meet you sweetie."

The baby in his arms eventually calmed down from crying, and squirmed around in his arms. So far she didn't have many recognizable facial features, but on her head Owen could see small strands of hair poking from her hat. Strawberry blonde hair. He held her closer and his smile grew bigger. He didn't think that was possible at the moment. 

"Aww, just look at you. You're the smallest little buddy I've ever seen", Owen cooed at her. He turned back to Noah for agreement. "Isn't she little, buddy?"

Owen forgot that in this case, "little" was a matter of opinion.

While Owen's face was beaming with pride, Noah looked ready to collapse. He mumbled a bunch of incoherent sounds and breathed heavily on the bed.

"Noah?", Owen asked, concerned. Noah didn't answer, but kept panting and looked dazed. Then very weakly gave Owen a shaky thumbs up. 

"Well", Eva grabbed Izzy by the shoulder. "I think Iz and I are gonna go and see if everyone's started planning our wedding yet."

"Aww, but I wanna hold her", Izzy complained. "And see her and take her out to fight crime and-"

"We can do that later Red", Eva started pushing Izzy out the room. She then leaned into Izzy's ear. "But maybe we should go leave the new dads alone."

Izzy looked confused, before getting the hint. "Ohhh. Right. Yeah, we should...go check on the wedding." She agreed and the two quickly made haste out the door.

Owen watched them leave, before he turned over to Noah. He gently sat Noah up, who was still mumbling silently to himself, and propped Noah up by his side.

Holding both his husband and daughter in separate arms, Owen brought them together in a hug, their first family hug. "Oh Swizzle Stick", he kissed Noah's forehead. "You did a great job."

"Ughhhh…" Noah sleepily opened his eyes halfway and looked at his daughter. She looked back at him with curious dark brown eyes. He wheezed and gave her a weak smile.

"Well I guess Pythos isn't a good name for her huh", Owen chuckled. "What do you wanna name her?"

"Ajdjdha...lkkhkdn….msnsdv", Noah mumbled as he kept sweating.

Owen raised an eyebrow, confused. "What?"

"Bhshsh….hahdhsjja", Noah kept mumbling before taking a large breath and finally saying something cohesive. 

"Bramble!"

And that was all Noah got before he passed out. Owen started to panic for a minute, before a loud snore came out of Noah's mouth. He was still alive, just really tired.

Owen looked back down at their daughter, who was still squirming quietly. 

"Bramble", He thought about Noah's only actual word.

"Bramble Susata-McHatch", he continued looking at the baby as he said the name aloud. "I like it."

Chapter Text

Noah began to stir awake in his bed. He had just had the strangest dream. That their 100th episode was given to Duncan cause they had to go to the hospital, and the blizzard, to deliver-

He opened his eyes. It was clearly nighttime from the sky in the window. The window to a room that was definitely NOT his. 

His ears perked to soft snoring. He turned his head to find Owen, leaning asleep on the bed, noticeable bags under his eyes. 

"What the-", Noah started to lean up on the bed, before a large pain spiked through his abdomen and back. Yeah, sitting up was definitely a no-go. He leaned back down and looked at his arm. An IV was stuck in the bow crease. That definitely wasn't there before. He looked away to the blue sheets over his body. And stirrups by his feet. 

Wait, stirrups?

"Did I-?", Noah didn't finish his question before looking down his shirt at his abdomen. What was once swollen and clearly pregnant, was now more loose and slightly saggy. Not quite his usual skinny frame, but much skinnier than in the months prior.

"So it wasn't a dream", Noah spoke more to himself. He couldn't believe it. He had the baby.

But....where WAS the baby?

"Oh glad to see you're awake"

Noah looked up to see DJ standing by the doorway, peeking in to check on one of his patients.

"Uh yeah..uh…I had the baby?"

DJ nodded. "A few hours ago."

Noah blinked in shock and thought, Holy fuck I actually did it.

"But" Noah looked around the room, trying to find his child. "Where's-?"

"She's sleeping in the nursery with the other babies."

She, Noah thought back to his perceived "dream". That's right we had...HAVE a daughter.

"DJ", Noah sounded hesitant for a moment. "Can I see her?"

The ex-reality contestant turned doctor smiled and nodded. "I'll be right back."

And the door closed.

Noah looked around the room, trying to remember the details of the hour before.

The parts after the car ride were still a blur. The last thing he could remember clearly was breaking Owen's hand in a fit of Duncans-induced rage. Though faintly, he could remember smaller things; breaking Eva's arm in an arm wrestle, Ark being in for a few moments of solace between the pain, the sounds of Drama Brothers singing a Queen song during what he could assume was labor. 

Noah suddenly grimaced as he thought of the last word. "Labor." He wasn't sure how long it went for, but he tensed remembering the pain and stinging. Noah quickly tried to think past that to something else, ANYTHING ELSE really.

And the last memory was the faint feeling of Owen's embrace around his shoulder with one arm, and another arm holding a small blanket bundle with-

A small creak interrupted Noah's thoughts. DJ opened the door quietly, and walked in holding a small bundle.

"She's still pretty sleepy from what happened", DJ whispered as he walked by the bed. "But so far she's perfectly healthy."

"Ok", an uncharacteristically soft whisper came out of Noah as he held out his arms. A little awkwardly, and very carefully, DJ situated the baby into a good hold by her father's side.

Noah looked down at the small bundle in his arms. The baby, HIS baby, was still asleep, it looked like she never woke up from being carried to a different room. Through the moonlight Noah could see a light reddish tint in her hair strands poking from her hat. Not completely red like Izzy's, more a blonde. Strawberry blonde.

Guess that's what all those cravings were building up to, Noah chuckled a little at his own thought.

"You ok man", DJ whispered to Noah, looking a little worried about Noah's lack of verbal response.

It was one of those rare moments Noah didn't know what to say. Though with Owen those moments had become increasingly more common.

All those months of strawberries and acne. Of headaches and back pains. Of temper flares and toilet visits. All leading up to this small bean in his arms.

".... Yeah. I'm ok", Noah finally said something. DJ sighed, relieved to hear Noah talking again. 

Noah's thoughts were interrupted when his daughter started to squirm in her sleep. Little whimpers came out of her as her eyes opened. 

Brown eyes , Noah thought. They're just like mine.

The baby looked around, taking in the new room she was suddenly in. She looked, with as much confusion as a baby could muster, up at Noah. She was still whimpering softly.

Noah let out a breath he didn't know he was holding, and held his daughter closer to his chest. 

"Hey shh hey", he tried to comfort her. "You didn't spend all that time kicking to get out here only to get scared, did you?" 

Noah immediately winced. He couldn't believe it. He really chose THAT to be his first words to his child. 

Oh my god I'm stupid , he mentally kicked himself. First foot in the gate and I've already screwed this up.

"I'm sorry", he said to her as she kept whimpering. "I..I mean... it's scary, it is, but it's gonna be fine. It's...ok…."

He hesitated to try again at his words as her whimpering kept up. Instead of saying anything, he held her closer to his chest to try and calm her down. While it got her to  squirm a little less, she was still whimpering confused.

"If you want", DJ piped up. "You can do skin to skin to calm her down better. While you were passed out she did it with Owen and she was still the whole time."

Noah, a bit begrudgingly, handed his daughter back to DJ and shimmied a bit out of his hospital gown. Not to completely remove it, just to expose his chest and arms, all covered with a variety of different scars. 

DJ removed a bit of the blanket covering the baby's front and placed her in Noah's arms onto his chest.

Noah wasn't sure what he expected. He definitely knew he would be happy, nervous, and certainly exhausted holding his child. But this….this wasn't something he was ready for. 

….at least not while there was still a pair of eyes watching.

"......DJ?"

"Yes?"

"Can you leave for a minute?"

DJ was a bit confused at the request, but headed towards the door anyway. "Let me know when you want me back in", he said, before closing the door behind him.

Once the door was closed, tears just hit Noah like a floodgate. A large smile crept on his face as he held her a little tighter.

Like DJ had said, the baby started to calm down, listening to Noah's heartbeat. She started to go back to sleep, oblivious to the emotional rollercoaster her father was going through.

".... it's gonna be ok", he whispered in between sobs. "I mean, it isn't...in some ways it's all downhill from here", he chuckled a bit awkwardly. "But I'm here. And so's your dad", Noah looked over at Owen, still snoring. "His heart's always in the right place, even though his brain is usually in his stomach. But he's got you...and I got you too."

Noah sniffled and leaned down closer to his daughter, his first hug to her. And a first small forehead kiss. 

"You're gonna be ok", he grabbed one of her little hands with his finger. He noticed, previously hidden in the swaddle, a small plastic bracelet around her wrist. Peeking closer at it, with only the moonlight and half blurry sight, he eventually made out the words;

"BRAMBLE SUSATA-MCHATCH"

"....Bramble", Noah raised an eyebrow. After a few seconds, he started to remember the last thing before he passed out.

"Well I guess Pythos isn't a good name for her huh", Owen chuckled. "What do you wanna name her?"

Aw Owen, I can't even think straight right now on that", Noah felt himself getting lightheaded and sweatier. 

Owen raised an eyebrow, confused. "What?"

"We'll just figure it out tomorrow when I'm more awake. Right now I think I'm gonna pass out. I haven't felt this weak since I ate those wild strawberries off that bramble!"

And then Noah's view went black.

"....Of that whole spiel "Bramble" was the thing that registered?" Noah loved Owen, but he could never understand what always goes on in that lunchbox's head.

With that mystery solved, Noah let go of her small hand.

".....Bramble", he repeated the name to himself.

Him and Owen had talked about what they would name their baby, they could only agree on a boy's name. Every time girl names came up, they usually hit a crossroad. Even now he wasn't sure what they could name her, all the names just didn't really sit right.

And yet...she DID kinda look like a Bramble...

Noah shrugged and smiled. "...."Bramble Susata-McHatch" DOES have a nice ring to it."