Archive of Our Own ^beta

Shinsuke is always prepared. 

He considers, plans and thinks ahead. Most turns in his life can be foreseen. He doesn't concern himself over matters that are out of his control, but if it's humanly possible to take precaution, he prepares. He is never usually surprised unless someone goes out of their way to surprise him.

It's how he was raised and it's how he learned to find value in things. Give it your all. Do things right. Don't take shortcuts. Always finish the race. Work diligently. If he does things as he is supposed to, then there is no room for nerves, no room for surprises that leave him drowning in regret or the traitorous feeling of being underserving.

His mistake was probably trusting his routine so blindly. It was underestimating the passion and thrill that runs in the veins of people who love blindly without the need of taking precautions. Though Shinsuke likes to think it's only fair to be blindsided by a monster when he is nothing but a mere mortal. It’s a consequence for daring to desire equal grounds with someone he had no right even watching. 

On the last day of spring of his second year of university, Atsumu surprises him. 

“I like you.” Is the confession Atsumu takes five minutes to declare. He is nervous, switching his weight from one foot to another, hands in his pockets as he tries to keep eye contact. There is a distinctive red tint on his cheeks, one Shinsuke isn’t used to seeing on him, at least not when in his presence. 

He takes in the way those words leave his mouth with hesitation but no regret. The first thing Shinsuke lets his mind conclude is that Atsumu means it. With that realization, Shinsuke feels something warm spread through his body, but he is not a fool enough to let that warmth distract him. He fights the emotions that press against his chest and he squashes any attempt of accepting words from dancing on his tongue. 

Shinsuke keeps his mouth shut as he breaks down every word Atsumu spoke in his head in an attempt to dissolve the amount of weight they carry. He gives room for dry reasoning and calculated interpretations. He studies the blush on Atsumu cheeks and convinces himself that it's the product of shame. He devours the sight of Atsumu’s clear eyes and decides that the window to his soul is an illusion of Shinsuke’s desires. 

The wind blows freely around them and Shinsuke lets the cold numb his hands as he silently prays his heart will freeze over as well. 

“Say something,” Atsumu eventually lets out, after minutes of Shinsuke just standing there; after minutes of no visible reaction though every fibre in his being feels ignited with the desire to burst with emotions. Shinsuke says nothing as he watches Atsumu’s remaining confidence slowly vanish with every beat of silence. 

It’s at that moment that Shinsuke finally accepts the words and comes to terms with what they mean. His mind easily dissects the two possible outcomes and he concludes the obvious choice. Shinsuke opens his mouth, letting himself feel every heartbeat that dances to the tune of his yearning and inhales. 

Atsumu visibly tenses and Shinsuke replies. 

-o- 

Shinsuke has been in love with Atsumu since his last year of high school—at least, that’s when Shinsuke came to realize his feelings. 

Taking into consideration his age and his overall understanding of who he is, perhaps calling it love is a bit of a stretch. Truthfully, it’s not like he ever sat down and thought about what the emotions that coursed through his body meant, (not long enough to convince himself they are emotions he needs to act on), but it feels wrong to dismiss the overwhelming force of the feelings that consumed him without reservation as anything less than love. 

How else could he explain it?

Atsumu was, after all, someone Shinsuke should have never set his eyes on. 

His personality kept people at arm's length. How he carried himself, the confidence that seeped from his every move, isolated him from the average person. He was always running ahead, moving at a speed not many could achieve. His eyes were always focused on a point that wasn’t easy to perceive. Atsumu, plain and simple, was different. 

He pushed forward when everyone else was giving up. He stood up when everyone else was sitting down. He had a fire in his eyes, burning with an intensity Shinsuke could never understand. Atsumu, above all, was a monster, eager to prove himself to the world. He was someone who worked beyond the need to improve. 

Atsumu steadily chased after a finish line and Shinsuke wasn’t even in the race. 

A forbidden fruit, in a way. 

It took Shinsuke two interactions with him to know what kind of person he was. It took him less than a week to understand that Atsumu was heading down a path not many could survive. He was going to move further than Shinsuke and Shinsuke had no intentions of following. 

But regardless of his original mental conviction, Shinsuke couldn’t keep his eyes away. 

Atsumu, in all his confidence and superior aura, still managed to pry Shinsuke’s wavering eyes. Unintentionally, of course. Shinsuke never once entertained the idea that Atsumu could be openly seeking for him, opening the door to the bubble he resides in, away from the average human. 

Sometimes Shinsuke liked to think that perhaps he wasn’t the only one drawn to Atsumu. He wasn’t special for falling for him. Perhaps his character brought in more than Shinsuke’s eyes. Though that thought ignites the bit of jealousy that rests in his bones, tamed by Shinsuke’s will alone. It creates trembles in his body, churning his gut with uncertainty—in the end, it was always easier to convince himself that he was the only one foolish enough to follow after someone above his league.

Atsumu always made Shinsuke react in the most uncharacteristic ways. It didn’t help that Shinsuke could so easily lose himself to the flow of Atsumu’s persona. Shinsuke’s heart would beat to the sound of Atsumu’s laughter, his hands would tremble with the yearning of Atsumu’s touch, his blood would burn with desire to feel. 

Every practice, every day spent closer to him, Shinsuke would lose his body more and more to the consuming emotions that circulated him every time Atsumu was near. His mind, however, was always at peace with what Shinsuke fed it. 

Regardless of what he felt, Shinsuke would never put aside his way of life. The heart can be deceiving, and while he doesn’t think having feelings for Atsumu should ever be considered a deceitful act, surely entertaining his emotions will only create room for error.

There is no fear in his decision. There is no regret. Shinsuke does things right. He is diligent. He doesn’t make spontaneous decisions. When he finally puts some sort of name to the fire that burns him every time Atsumu looks his way, he knows well what follows the revelations.

Yes, Shinsuke has been in love with Atsumu since high school, and since then, he has come to terms with his resolution: a mere mortal like him could never afford to stand by Atsumu’s side.

-o-

Rejecting Atsumu results in Shinsuke distancing himself from most of his friends. 

He decides to do so after acknowledging the emotions Atsumu displays when their conversation comes to an end. Atsumu is hurt, and knowing the person he is, Shinsuke knows he is going to need more than a few distractions to get over his infatuation. The best Shinsuke can do is create some space for him. If Shinsuke doesn’t take up any of their friend's time then Atsumu will be free to get comfort from whoever he wishes. 

In turn, the distance will also help Shinsuke. After all, his hurt also needs time to heal— more so since there is no comfort anyone could offer him that could silence his guilt. Guilt, for not only hurting Atsumu’s feelings but for lying. 

In the midst of it all, he is thankful that none of his friends suspect any foul play. It’s like they all understand Shinsuke couldn’t return Atsumu’s feelings. They believe him incapable of reciprocating those feelings and in truth, a part of Shinsuke is proud that he has been able to keep it all concealed; that the people who know him best were fooled by the front he put up all these years. Yet, a greater part of him is disappointed with himself and his friends. 

How can they believe Shinsuke incapable of loving Atsumu? None of their friends have ever taken Atsumu for granted but they seem to hold Shinsuke on a pedestal. It’s absurd, because though they seem to reach a similar conclusion as Shinsuke, their equation is all wrong. They look at them, do the math, and conclude Shinsuke to be a greater sum than Atsumu when it should be the other way around. 

Either way, the overall reasoning is the same. They aren’t equals. Atsumu and Shinsuke aren’t pictured together. They don’t make sense. In the eyes of the people that surround them lies the same truth Shinsuke has known this whole time. He has no place by Atsumu’s side. He only hopes Atsumu will eventually see the truth for what it is. 

Even though that mere thought rips at Shinsuke’s heart with sharp claws. 

It hurts. 

It hurts having to let go of him; hurts knowing there was a possibility and yet— Shinsuke doesn’t think it’s ever going to stop hurting. 

He thinks the memory of dropping his head and saying the words, “I’m sorry,” won’t ever stop replaying in his head. The feeling of the dent on his tongue from the weight of the lie, “I don’t feel the same way,” will never go away. 

Shinsuke doesn’t think his ears will ever recover from the shaken “oh” Atsumu uttered. 

“I understand,” Atsumu had said. Shinsuke’s eyes have the image of Atsumu’s crestfallen expression engraved in the back of his eyes. Atsumu’s nervous chuckle that followed that statement will always steal the oxygen from his lungs. The words Shinsuke holds back while Atsumu apologizes for wasting his time, will always feel like acid in his throat. 

Shinsuke spends hours—days, weeks, reliving that moment. At least all those memories serve as a reminder of the damage he has caused. Eventually, he reasons it’s for the best if all those feelings consume him until the day he dies. 

But that’s just wishfully thinking. 

It’s irrational and unbecoming of him. Shinsuke often finds himself disturbed at how easily he succumbs to petty anguish. How easily he allows thoughts of how unworthy he is for entertaining irrational ideas circle his head.

(That should have been his first clue. He should have realized here, that his emotions don’t follow his set of rules. No matter how diligent he thinks he is; raw feelings can change his character in ways he is not even prepared to see.)

-o-

Six weeks before Osamu and Atsumu’s twenty-third birthday, Shinsuke hears the news from Rintarou. 

Truthfully, Rintarou isn’t sharing the information with him. Shinsuke, unintentionally, eavesdrops on a conversation between Rintarou and Osamu as they work filling up the storage cabinets of Osamu’s restaurant. Shinsuke is busy studying the transcript of Osamu’s latest deliveries, but like it has been since high school, whenever he hears Atsumu’s name, he can’t help but let his attention perk. He takes a breath in and strains his ears to listen. 

His stomach drops when the words register in his head.

“Yer kiddin’,” Osamu hisses at Rintarou, who from where Shinsuke can see, looks smug as he finishes the bit of beer left in his bottle while he lazily passes Osamu another jar of seasoning for him to put away.

“Akaashi said he witnessed the whole thing.”

“Ushiwaka?” Osamu’s voice comes out an octave higher. “Seriously?”

Shinsuke catches the secretive smile Rintarou gives Osamu before he turns away to avoid getting caught staring. Shinsuke puts all his efforts into controlling his breathing as he tries to numb the drumming he feels beating at his chest. His ears manage to pick up more muttered words exchanged between the two before the ringing in his ears finally clears and Shinsuke catches Osamu saying something else a little louder.

“So what? They’re datin’? Or…”

“As if Atsumu would ever entertain anything he isn’t serious about.”

Those words feel like a bucket of ice-cold water. They hit Shinsuke with so much force he manages to snap out of whatever trance he was trapped in, to void out the rest of Rintarou and Osamu’s conversation. 

Though now he has his mind processing what he found out in detail. 

It seems like Atsumu has moved on. Shinsuke bites his tongue hard, hoping the pain will push away any disappointment and regret wavering around inside him. Especially since he holds no right to feel either of those two things. 

It’s been three years, of course he’s moved on. 

Shinsuke shouldn’t be surprised. He hasn’t heard from Atsumu in a while, though that’s mainly because the Jackals haven’t been doing all that well in the current season. The team was having problems adjusting their game and as expected, the setter took a lot of the burden from the humiliating losses. Atsumu has no doubt been pushing himself to improve. This is why Shinsuke won’t hold his absence against him. 

When the farm becomes hard to handle, he too takes a step back and re-evaluates his priorities in favour of putting all his attention to what sustains his life. He shouldn’t be surprised. 

Except he is. Because while Shinsuke had expected the distance working in favour of his professional life, he had never considered the possibility that Atsumu would find time for something other than volleyball. He never considered the possibility that Atsumu could find someone. 

And Ushijima Wakatoshi, at that. 

Shinsuke pictures Japan’s cannon with clarity, and it isn’t long until he finds himself comparing the man to himself. It’s not long until his mind is reminding Shinsuke of his place and—

That’s something he refuses to entertain for longer than needed. 

‘I’m sorry, I don’t feel the same way.’

Shinsuke’s voice plays in his head and he bites his lip while pushing away any other thought on the matter. It’s been three years, Shinsuke thinks, reminding himself he has no room for an opinion on the matter. He doesn’t have a say, not when he threw out whatever rights he had the moment he rejected Atsumu. 

It takes him a few minutes to fully collect himself but eventually Shinsuke continues his work as if he hadn’t heard anything. 

Rintarou and Osamu take longer than necessary to fill up the shelves due to their constant gossiping and occasional flirting. They are both also eating the leftovers of the day while they down the remainder of the six-pack they bought. 

Instead of drowning in thoughts of Atsumu, Shinsuke distracts himself with tasks before he ends up doing most of the work and can’t think of anything else but to excuse himself. Shinsuke heads back to his house with thoughts of Atsumu and he returns to Osamu’s restaurant the next day with the same thoughts eating at his brain, only to come face to face with the root of his problems.

“Atsumu,” Shinsuke says, trying to control his voice from showing his surprise as he takes in the sight in front of him. 

Atsumu is sprawled on the table he sits, his cheek pressed against the table while his phone rests right beside him. “Kita-san,” he greets surprised, lifting his head to make eye contact, “Samu said no one was comin’ till noon.”

Shinsuke feels a pang in his chest at those words, his mind dissecting them to conclude that Atsumu doesn’t want him here. He quickly realizes he is being irrational as he takes in Atsumu’s relaxed expression and he reminds himself that he is indeed here a few hours earlier than scheduled. 

“Did you come to try the new items on the menu?” Shinsuke asks, smiling at Atsumu as he debates whether or not he should take a seat or make an excuse to get started with his tasks of the day. 

Atsumu groans loudly, his head falling back on the table in defeat. “I lost a bet,” he says, closing his eyes and breathing in before he is once again making eye contact with Shinsuke. “Now I’m stuck bein’ a tour guide.” 

Shinsuke watches him, feeling his smile quickly turn to something sweeter—something dangerous that may give Atsumu the wrong idea— but it’s like his lips are moving without his consent. Shinsuke just can’t help but feel so strongly as Atsumu, is well, Atsumu. Always so overdramatic and childish but yet so endearing.

‘I understand,’ Atsumu’s stuttering voice from three years ago rings in his head before Osamu’s affronted ‘Ushijima, seriously?’ From yesterday echoes and Shinsuke nearly gets whiplash as he turns his head away from Atsumu. “Is Osamu around?” He asks, aware of how weird he is acting as he starts walking towards the kitchen before Atsumu can respond.

“He is probably in cloud nine with all the compliments he must be gettin’,” Atsumu says, his voice not giving away if he is bothered by Shinsuke’s behaviour. “Can ya tell him to hurry it up? Or see if he can take my place and free me from the shackles of my loss.”

Shinsuke turns back to watch Atsumu as he hears him thump his head against the table. Shinsuke raises his eyebrows in concern and considers asking for more details about this bet, though before he gets the chance to he hears Rintarou’s laughter coming from the kitchen before another, equally loud but much less sinister laugh, echoes after it. 

Atsumu groans dramatically after another thump and Shinsuke almost goes back to him to scold him for the constant mistreatment of his head, but is distracted by a person pushing the sliding door of the kitchen open. Shinsuke meets the eyes of a flustered Akaashi Keiji before he takes note of Osamu’s equally flustered expression as he comes chasing after him, a tray of food in his hands. 

“Kita-san! Yer here early.” Osamu says, stopping next to Akaashi as they both stand in front of him, matching red tint on their cheeks. They look guilty about something but he chooses not to say anything as Rintarou shouts out a greeting, coming through the same kitchen door with Bokuto Koutarou. 

If Osamu and Akaashi share similar expressions of embarrassment, then Rintarou and Bokuto look equally guilty for whatever teasing had taken place.

“This is a surprise.” Shinsuke says, voice light as he crosses his arms over his chest, “I didn’t expect to see you here this early, Rin.” He also didn’t expect to see Akaashi and Bokuto, but he doesn’t know how to bring that up— though he suspects Atsumu has something to do with that.

Rintarou shrugs, walking forward to put an arm around both Osamu and Akaashi’s shoulders. “Wouldn’t miss this for the world.”

“I bet.” Shinsuke hears both Bokuto and Atsumu say in unison from either side of the room.

There is a long pause that tells Shinsuke the trio in front of him must have also heard them and he considers keeping quiet to watch how Rintarou might talk his way out of the curious looks both Osamu and Akaashi give him, but with a glance at the time displayed on the clock over the kitchen door, Shinsuke claps his hands and reminds everyone that there is work to do, interrupting whatever teasing was to follow. 

Osamu is quick to excuse himself to the kitchen, saying something about finishing the first few batches of rice after handing Akaashi the tray of food he was carrying. The plate is made up of a set of all four new items on the menu, and by the looks of the steam coming from the rice, Shinsuke knows they are not from the pre-made trays. 

“It’s best to try them once they’ve cooled down,” Shinsuke tells Akaashi with a smile and Akaashi nods politely, his usual composure present as Rintarou and Bokuto both guide him over to the table where Atsumu is still using to hit his head. 

Shinsuke shakes his head fondly before following after Osamu. 

Osamu’s restaurant has recently had a spike in pre-orders and deliveries. Though it’s a great achievement for the business, it came during a difficult time. Two of Osamu’s full-time workers are currently on leave, leaving Osamu short-staffed for two weeks. Of course, he had considered hiring a few more part-timers but to save him the trouble of the work behind hiring new employees, Shinsuke had offered to assist him during the two weeks. 

Since Shinsuke has been present since the start of the business, he is more or less well acquainted with the restaurant. His overall experience with deliveries and business factors has allowed him to aid Osamu in the business-like workload while Osamu takes care of filling in for his two full-timers in the kitchen. 

This is the fourth day of the first week helping Osamu. As it goes, Shinsuke has only looked after paperwork and helped out with cleaning and organizing the schedules for pre-orders. Today he had agreed to come at half past noon to look over the inventory, but in search of distracting his mind from thoughts of Atsumu, he had arrived two hours earlier. 

Osamu thankfully doesn’t question him further than his original observation. He lets Shinsuke look after the bit of paperwork he had piled up from last night, (when he should have been working instead of getting drunk with Rintarou) and quickly gets the prep work done before Osamu’s part-timers come in to work thirty minutes before the restaurant’s opening hour. 

Once his part-timers are at work and the restaurant is running, Shinsuke finds the time to question Osamu about Atsumu, Akaashi, and Bokuto’s presence as they work to put away a fish delivery. 

Osamu reminds Shinsuke of the current break in the pro-league (the reason behind Rintarou’s presence these past few days) and then tells him how Atsumu woke him up at six in the morning with an enthusiastic Bokuto and an equally excited Akaashi (though he hid it well) claiming they were going to raid his restaurant. 

“Tsumu is stuck buying Bokkun’s meals for the rest of the break.” Osamu explains, “he didn’t tell me what the bet was about but Rin claims to know. I’ll probably get it out of him after some drinks tonight.”

“And Akaashi is just here to see you?” Shinsuke asks, finding it amusing how easily Osamu flushes at the implication. 

“He’s probably just tagging along to spend some time with Bokkun,” Osamu says, avoiding Shinsuke’s eyes. 

“Hm,” Shinsuke hums, “and how long are they staying?”

“Just for the weekend.” Osamu says, “Tsumu is an idiot for not calling ahead. I don’t know how we’re all goin’ to sleep tonight. I only have one extra futon.” He pauses before letting out a snort, “who am I kiddin’, Keiji’s probably not even plannin’ on stayin’ over.”

Shinsuke smiles, “but you want him to?” He asks, choosing not to bring up how Osamu doesn’t even seem concerned with how Bokuto or Atsumu feel about the situation. Osamu clears his throat, once again avoiding Shinsuke’s eyes as he mutters something about just making an observation. “Isn’t Rintarou already staying at your place? Three more guests will make things difficult.”

“Kita-san.” Osamu breathes out after a moment of silence, “are ye teasin’ me?”

“Osamu-kun,” Shinsuke draws out, “do you want me to take Bokuto and Atsumu out of your hands so you can have a sleepover with Rintarou and Akaashi?”

Osamu’s cheeks darken considerably as he splutters in an attempt to respond. “Kita-san, are you tryin’ to kill me?” 

Shinsuke laughs, choosing to drop the topic as they finish up their work. Osamu starts muttering under his breath about evil senpais and Shinsuke leaves him alone for the next half hour that they work together before they go out to meet their friends. 

They join the table just as Atsumu is concluding his rant about his teammates and their tiring personalities every time they gain up against him. Rintarou laughs at him while Bokuto tries insisting that ‘it’s not that bad’ before Akaashi comments on Bokuto’s personality probably being up to par with the rest, even if he is always siding with Atsumu.

Osamu is quick to join on the teasing, setting down a tray of dumplings on the table before patting Bokuto’s back. Shinsuke sits next to Akaashi without saying anything, getting comfortable as the conversation continues around him. 

It’s not the first time this particular group of people have gathered together. Shinsuke is quite familiar with both Bokuto and Akaashi, even though he has yet to get close enough to them to call them by their first name. 

He knows Akaashi more than he does Bokuto. Shinsuke’s earlier teasing on Osamu doesn’t come from nothing— for three years now, Shinsuke and everyone else around the two, have witnessed their obvious pining. It’s almost as bad as the years Shinsuke has suffered through Osamu and Rintarou’s dancing around each other. 

Though everyone aware of whatever it is that’s going on actively tease the trio, it hasn’t gone beyond that since Osamu has never bothered to open up about it, Akaashi can’t be read, and Rintarou seems to be stuck deep in a hole of denial.

If he is being honest, Shinsuke doesn’t know what conclusion to draw from it since it’s not like he has more than speculations and venturous guesses to work with. The thought of talking to Atsumu about it has crossed his mind, thinking that maybe with the combined efforts from the two of them they could get Osamu to make a decision… but somehow bringing up the topic of relationships and feelings with Atsumu—even if it’s about other people—unsettles Shinsuke, so he always backs down. 

In the end, this matter is probably something Shinsuke shouldn’t even be trying to dive his nose in. The situation is complicated enough without people meddling. Though he thinks if there is any hope of anything ever getting figured out, maybe Bokuto Koutarou will play a big part in it—he is Akaashi’s closest friend who is never deterred from boundaries of uncertainties. 

Bokuto is Atsumu’s teammate, and from what Shinsuke has concluded over the years, probably a very close friend of his at this point. Shinsuke properly met him three years ago when the two of them first joined the Black Jackals. Shinsuke, alongside Osamu and a few other Inarizaki alumni, had all attended their debut match and, later that night, they had celebrated the win in a small restaurant. A few familiar faces from Fukurodani joined them, and Shinsuke had also officially met Akaashi then. 

Bokuto was as intimidating as Shinsuke remembered from the few encounters they had throughout high school. He is a loud man, with a strong physique, and an impossible-to-ignore personality. He draws in attention from every angle, much like Atsumu, though the aura that trails after him is a bit different. 

While Shinsuke would describe Atsumu as a burning fire, Bokuto is more like a vibrant sun. Equally as dangerous, all things considered. 

Yet, even so, Bokuto is charming. He is an easy-going person, making friends out of everyone he meets. Shinsuke thinks they would probably be close friends if Bokuto wasn’t already closer to Atsumu. 

Even now, as Atsumu occasionally complains about the bet and how unfair Bokuto is, Shinsuke can see the clear fondness he holds for him as his open expressions never fools anyone. Atsumu always shines the brightest when he is comfortable, surrounded by people he cares for. Right now, everyone around the table makes it easy for him to showcase his brilliance. 

Something that digs at Shinsuke’s heart the more he thinks about it. 

‘So what? They’re datin’? Or…’

‘As if Atsumu would ever entertain anything he isn’t serious about.’

Shinsuke closes his eyes for a second and pushes the memory away, tuning into the conversation once he collects himself. 

“Akaashi,” Bokuto’s whines, eyes open wide as he stares at said man, “I told you that in confidence!”

“Tsumu already told me all about yer plants.” Osamu comments and Shinsuke tries to pick up every word to figure out what the conversation is about since he has been spacing out. “He said it was a real massacre. Ugliest sight he has ever seen.”

Bokuto groans, head resting against the table while they laugh at his expense. “I followed the instructions,” he mumbles dejectedly.

“If you can’t keep a few plants alive, I don’t think it’s smart to start your own garden.” Akaashi is quick to add, confusing Shinsuke further as he fails to piece together their words. “Especially if it’s just to one-up Kuroo-san.”

“Maintaining a garden is hard,” Osamu adds, “especially in an apartment. Do you even have the space?” He pauses and Rintarou snorts, “what am I even sayin’, ‘course ya have the space.”

“But not the time.” Akaashi concludes, “try something less concerning.”

“A garden isn’t hard to maintain.” Shinsuke finds himself interrupting. He might not know the details of the conversation, but he does have an opinion on the current matter. “It just needs care and time. If everything is done right, the soil will bear much fruit.”

“See!” Bokuto is quick to cheer, stretching out his hand to point at Shinsuke with excitement. 

“Bokuto, Kita’s definition of hard is hardly human.” Rintarou quips, arms crossed over his chest while Shinsuke turns to look at him with a raised eyebrow. 

Atsumu groans, thumping his head against the table. Shinsuke really needs to talk to him about that. “Too late, he is definitely set on it now.”

“Hey, Shinsuke,” Bokuto starts, eyes solely focused on him, “is it fun?”

Shinsuke is forced to make eye contact with Bokuto as the question directed at him tickles something in his heart that leaves Shinsuke confused for just a second. He pauses, thinking over his response as he takes in Bokuto’s golden eyes, zeroed in on him while the smile he wears surprises Shinsuke with the honesty it translates. 

“Yes.” Shinsuke says, watching Bokuto’s smile widen, teeth showing as his eyes seem to sparkle with determination.

“I’m going to do it.” Bokuto states and Shinsuke finds himself smiling back, endeared by the organic confidence that has everyone around him looking at him with both disbelief and acceptance. 

Rintarou whistles and Osamu makes a comment about all the poor plant lives that will be lost in the process. Akaashi sighs resigned and Atsumu laughs, elbows on the table as he rests his head on his hands, drawing Bokuto’s attention quickly to make another bet with him. 

Shinsuke simply watches on, feeling oddly touched by how quickly Bokuto set his mind after a simple response from him. Maybe thats why, Shinsuke finds himself offering his help once all the teasing had died out, before the topic is dropped in favour of another. 

“If there is anything I can help you with, let me know.” Shinsuke tells him, aware that no one other than Bokuto is listening to him, their attention diverted.

Bokuto blinks at him before quickly offering another smile. He doesn’t say anything else and soon after Rintarou is claiming starvation and Bokuto’s eyes are drawn elsewhere as he echoes the cries of hunger. 

Truthfully, Shinsuke ends up forgetting about the conversation the day after. 

-o- 

Though it all comes back to him a week later when he gets a text message from Bokuto early on a Friday morning, five weeks before the twin’s twenty-third birthday.

Bokuto made an attempt to start his garden the Monday after spending the weekend over at Osamu’s. He doesn’t share the full details of his attempt, but from the pictures he sends Shinsuke, it’s safe to say Bokuto needs more than just a few instructions and friendly advice. 

Shinsuke runs through the Jackal’s schedule online; noticing they don’t have a practice match until Monday, before he asks Bokuto if it’s okay to meet up tomorrow morning for a bit of shopping. Bokuto is quick to agree, sending his excitement and gratitude in a handful amount of emojis. Shinsuke then spends the whole day getting ahead of tomorrow’s workload before he calls Osamu and asks for details on the conversation that had taken place. 

Osamu seems surprised that Shinsuke is willing to help Bokuto personally, though he is not at all shocked to hear Bokuto is still going through with his plan. Apparently Bokuto has been trying to take care of plants to prove his sisters wrong after they claimed he was a serial-plant-killer during his childhood. So far, he has managed to kill every single plant. He claimed momentary defeat until a friend of his, Kuroo, had then proceeded to escalate the situation. 

Kuroo successfully raised a small tomato tree and after teasing and mocking Bokuto for a week, he succeeded in getting him to agree to a bet. Bokuto has to successfully grow two plants before the season ends or else he will lose. 

Lose what, Shinsuke doesn’t really know, and truthfully, after hearing the details of the situation he almost backs down from helping Bokuto all together. Osamu, however, vouches for him. He claims Bokuto truly wants to learn to take care of plants and that he means well, all things considered. Osamu also guilts Shinsuke by reminding him of how many more plants will have to suffer under Bokuto’s watch if he is left to his own devices. 

Shinsuke decides he will help Bokuto for the plant’s well being and because he can still feel the warmth of the smile Bokuto directed at him when Shinsuke had encouraged his idea. 

He makes a plan and wakes up before sunrise to take the first train to Osaka. The sun is up by the time he arrives to Higashiosaka. He takes two busses to arrive to Bokuto’s complex and is pleasantly surprised to find Bokuto wide awake, eager to get started on the garden even though he probably had a late practice last night.

He doesn’t bring it up, not liking how thinking about Bokuto practicing gets him thinking about the Jackals and then Atsumu— and for some reason Shinsuke has just been having a lot of trouble keeping his thoughts in check, even though it’s been years. 

Just before he knew Atsumu was interested in Ushijima, Shinsuke could have easily claimed he was over him. 

Now, that statement leaves a sour taste in his mouth and it twists his stomach around, making room for the shadow of doubt that always seems to linger inside him. Shinsuke swallows and instead of thinking about Atsumu, he lets his eyes take in the disaster Bokuto presents him with when they go to take measurements of his balcony. 

“Shinsuke, I swear it wasn’t all me.” Bokuto claims, expression serious as he has his arms on either side of Shinsuke’s shoulders while he leans down just enough so that they stand at the same height. Shinsuke inhales and stares. 

After a second Bokuto lets his head fall down in defeat. “Okay, maybe it was all me.”

Shinsuke smiles, finding his honesty once again endearing before he shakes his head and gets to work. 

-o- 

Shinsuke measures Bokuto’s balcony while he gets Bokuto to clean of the remaining mess of his first attempt. He makes quick notes of the structure of his apartment, considering his options for proper set up and natural factors like sunlight and rain. 

He explains to Bokuto every step he takes, making sure Bokuto is paying close attention to everything he says so that this project is ultimately his. Then, once the planning is finalized, they head out, taking Bokuto’s car to pick up soil and pots, as well as the equipment they lack. 

During the car ride, Shinsuke questions Bokuto about his taste in plants and gets a general idea of how Bokuto wants his garden to look like in the end. Shinsuke offers his own suggestions, telling Bokuto in detail what he thinks will be easier to grow with the limited sunlight and space he has. As well as what would be easier to watch-after due to his busy schedule. 

They buy the soil in a place Shinsuke picked out after some research last night. They get most of their equipment and seeds there, though Shinsuke suggests getting a fertilizer elsewhere. The drive to that place is a bit further away but they spend the time sharing pleasant conversation. 

Thankfully, Bokuto doesn't talk about volleyball or anything that can trail back to Atsumu. Instead without much prompting from Shinsuke, Bokuto shares the story about the bet and the garden that he already heard from Osamu before going into detail as to why he needs to beat Kuroo. 

Shinsuke laughs along to the few stories Bokuto shares about his shenanigans with Kuroo, even sharing a few of his own stories of times him and Aran have done equally funny things. Bokuto finds great joy in learning more about Aran and Shinsuke is reminded of how much of stranger Bokuto isn’t. 

This is the first time they are really hanging out but Shinsuke has known him for years. Of course he is comfortable around him. It’s true that it’s Akaashi who Shinsuke interacts with more often due to his visits to Osamu’s restaurant, but as the day passes, Shinsuke thinks that maybe it’s Bokuto who he has more things in common with.

They make it back to Bokuto’s apartment a little after noon. Bokuto carries on the conversation, now talking about his sisters and how they tease him without restrain while they carry all the equipment inside. Once they’ve brought everything inside, Bokuto offers to order take out. Shinsuke would usually refuse and instead offer to cook something but for some reason he shies away from making that request. 

He doesn’t know if its because of his own insecurities in their friendship or because Bokuto is excitedly talking about his favourite restaurant and Shinsuke doesn't want to hurt his feeling by rejecting his offer.

Either way, they eat and clean up after themselves before they finally get to work on the garden. Bokuto follows all of Shinsuke’s instructions and Shinsuke is happy to see Bokuto taking his own initiative while doing things Shinsuke had mentioned earlier, when explaining how the garden would best come to shape. 

By the time the sun is setting, Shinsuke and Bokuto have achieved more than he originally thought he would. And after watching two YouTube videos and running down a list of steps Bokuto must follow the next few days, Shinsuke finds himself bidding him goodbye. 

Bokuto offers to give him a ride to the train station but Shinsuke refuses and thankfully Bokuto doesn’t insist. “Thanks for your help, Shin!” Bokuto says, his body resting against his door as Shinsuke puts his shoes on. 

Shinsuke smiles, enjoying the way that Bokuto’s eyes beam. “Keep me updated, Bokuto.”

-o-

Four weeks before the twin’s birthday, Bokuto sends him a picture of his garden in perfect shape even after a long night of rainfall. Then, four hours later, Bokuto sends him another picture, though this time it’s of a small cactus he had bought from one of the shops they visited in their last outing. 

It’s no longer standing up. Instead, it’s basically bend over and falling out of its’ pot. Shinsuke stares at the picture for five minutes, trying to figure out how it’s even possible, before he dials Bokuto’s number. 

“Hey, hey, hey!” Bokuto chirps when he answers after the third ring, “would you believe me if I told you it wasn’t my fault?”

“Cacti are very hard to kill.” Shinsuke says with clear disbelief. 

“I was just as surprised!”

Shinsuke sighs, incapable of figuring out how exactly it came to pass. Bokuto explains in details all the steps he followed looking after the cactus and after a long pause, Shinsuke finally collects his thoughts to come up with a solution. 

“You need to practice taking care of blooming plants.” He says, mostly to himself as he comes up with an idea. “Bokuto, would you be able to come down to Hyogo this Friday?”

“I can drive down in the afternoon. Practice ends at noon.”

“If it’s not too much trouble.” Shinsuke adds. “I can, after all, teach you how to properly care for buds and sprouts over at the farm.”

Bokuto agrees and Shinsuke hangs up. He then spends the next three days anticipating Bokuto’s visit. 

Sometime during his pre-bed routine Shinsuke remembers the picture of the cactus and finds himself laughing. He goes to sleep with an incredulous smile, still not sure how Bokuto managed to kill a cactus but also weirdly endeared with how he actually managed to kill one of the easiest plants to look after.

-o-

Shinsuke’s family owns a rice farm. It’s been around for a few decades now, but just recently after a short court debate, the farm has been officially signed over to Shinsuke. Though his family is always there to help, it’s his farm in paper; and while back in the day his uncles and grandmother lived a few blocks away while they tended the farm, Shinsuke thought it best to move closer.

His home is far enough from the farm so that the water doesn’t affect the small garden he has in his backyard. It isn’t all that big or impressive but Bokuto spends a good five minutes complimenting it with excitement. Shinsuke would even dare say Bokuto’s eyes shine while he bends down and examines every vegetable Shinsuke has. 

He has always been proud of what he has, but somehow Bokuto makes that pride soar. 

It warms Shinsuke’s heart, especially when Bokuto praises him for how well he has maintained the garden. Bokuto isn’t a professional, or someone who Shinsuke would generally seek for an opinion on gardening, but his honesty is transparent enough to hold much more value than any other professional. 

Even if Bokuto is like a kid, pointing at the different sprouts and plants while asking questions, or cooing and awing when he hears an explanation. It’s clear that Bokuto is truly invested in this whole gardening challenge, which is why Shinsuke doesn’t mind trusting him with his carefully guarded plants. 

Though because Shinsuke’s garden is well maintained, there is not much to do. For most of the day Shinsuke can only explain certain things. He teaches Bokuto how to properly trim leafs and how to test the moisture of the soil. He talks a lot about the importance of sunlight and the type of fertilizers that can aid in the growth of certain vegetables. 

He is mostly repeating what he said the last time they met up but this time he is able to use his garden for visual examples. Thankfully they do get the chance to transfer sprouts to bigger pots and there is even a section of Shinsuke’s garden that needs the soil replaced. 

Like last time, Bokuto follows his instruction closely and with little trouble. The work doesn’t take more than a few hours but it’s overall a success by the time the sun begins to set and Shinsuke feels his stomach grumble. He offers to make some dinner and Bokuto offers to finish transferring the soil while Shinsuke cooks. 

Shinsuke ends up making some rice with a few side dishes in less than fifteen minutes. He doesn’t bother checking up on Bokuto during that time but once he sets the table and Bokuto still isn’t inside, he gets a little worried. There wasn’t much soil left to transfer and Bokuto should have definitely be done by now. 

For some reason, Shinsuke’s mind considers the possibility of Bokuto getting distracted by the beauty of the farm— he of course immediately pushes those thoughts away the moment they solidify in his head since there is no reason for such an assumption. Not to mention how troubling the odd warmth that spreads inside Shinsuke feels at those thoughts. 

Why would that even matter? So what if Bokuto likes his farm? That’s perfectly normal. Many people like farms.

Shinsuke clears his head, feeling like the past few seconds were nothing but a fever dream as he goes back outside in search of Bokuto. When he finds him, he is met with an unexpected surprise. 

“It’s not my fault.” Bokuto says the moment he spots Shinsuke’s frozen build by the door to his storage shed. “The bag had a rip before I picked it up.” Bokuto says and Shinsuke just stares for a little longer before he finally lets out the chuckle he tried so hard to prevent. “Don’t laugh!” Bokuto says with a chuckle of his own and Shinsuke has to look away in order to comply with his request. 

Bokuto is after all, pouting while completely covered in soil. He is probably seconds away from sulking, or at least the way his hair now seems to have deflated gives Shinsuke that impression. Adorable is also a term that crosses his mind before Shinsuke begins to consider scolding him. If this were any of his juniors he would. 

If it were Atsumu, Shinsuke would already be casting his disappointment through his expressionless stare. 

But this is Bokuto. 

Shinsuke is just a few months older than him. They’ve been friends for a while now even though they just started getting closer. They are equals, in a way. Though for some reason Shinsuke feels like he would be offending Bokuto if he were to declare that. 

Now thats a train of thought Shinsuke doesn’t want to entertain. 

“I can’t say I’m surprised.” Shinsuke ends up saying, actually surprised at how easy the teasing comment leaves his mouth. He realizes then that he is not really mad or upset about the mess in front of him. His initial reaction was to laugh and now he thinks nothing but teasing remarks make sense in the conversation.

“Shinsuke!” Bokuto pouts and for a second Shinsuke is forced to remember the many times Bokuto whines out Akaashi’s name— sometimes even Atsumu’s.

“The food is ready.” Shinsuke blurts, suddenly feeling odd. Shinsuke. Bokuto always calls him that, right? Why does it sound so different? “I don’t suppose you brought a change of clothes?”

There is a pause and then Bokuto blushes while crossing his arms over his chest before sighing: “actually…”

-o-

Bokuto did bring a change of clothes. Bokuto brings a change of clothes to a lot of places, apparently.

“It was Akaashi’s idea,” Bokuto tells him while he continues to shake off all the soil from his clothes. Shinsuke has many questions but he is having trouble containing his laughter while mentally running through his list of questions so he keeps quiet while Bokuto gets most of the soil off. 

His grey shirt is stained while his black pants are just as dirty. His hair probably took the most damage, along with his hands and face. Due to the sweat on his skin most of the soil on Bokuto will need to be washed off; which is not really a problem since Shinsuke’s shower is available. 

Yet. 

“I rather just use a hose.” For some reason Bokuto keeps refusing.  

“I insist.” 

“I have soil all over… I don’t want to get your place dirty.” 

Shinsuke is touched by his concern but equally annoyed. “The hose water will be cold. I don’t want to be the reason you end up sick.” 

“Yeah, but,” Bokuto trails off, his hands reaching for the edge of his shirt and before Shinsuke can even blink, he is taking it off. 

“Ah, that’s not…” He tries but his voice is too low for Bokuto to hear. Bokuto drops the shirt to the side before he reaches for the straps of his pants and loosens them before he is taking them off, removing his shoes along the way as well. Shinsuke, caught off guard, does nothing but stare. 

“I’ll just rinse some of the dirt from my hair and face!” Bokuto claims before moving to grab the hose. 

Shinsuke’s mind has a mini spasm before it goes back to working at its full capacity. He grabs the hose from Bokuto’s hands the moment the water is turned on. Then, refusing to look at anywhere but his face, Shinsuke tries to look as stern as possible while he firmly tells Bokuto that no, he can’t use the hose. 

Bokuto’s mouth twitches and for a second Shinsuke catches sight of mild irritation taking over his features. He is going to argue back, Shinsuke thinks, baffled that he is able to read Bokuto so easily while another part of him almost shakes with anticipation at seeing Bokuto express anything but his typical positive attitude.

(Somewhere inside him, very deep inside, Shinsuke can’t help but think about Atsumu. The thought is there but not really there. It’s almost like an after-thought. It’s actually only until later that day, when Shinsuke reflects on the events that took place, that he remembers he even thought of Atsumu— that a part of his mind took the time to compare this very moment to a time when Atsumu talked back to him. 

A moment when Shinsuke had met Atsumu’s angry eyes for the first and only time. It was a stupid argument. Shinsuke can’t even remember what it was about. The only thing he knows is that Atsumu’s stare had twisted his insides with discomfort that left him feeling sick for weeks. He felt vulnerable, unreasonably defeated. Shinsuke barely had any sleep many nights after that.) 

But Bokuto doesn’t argue back. He watches Shinsuke for a second, eyes solely focused on him before he inhales and lets the muscles in his face relax. Shinsuke takes the moment to silently inhale as well, unsure of when he began to hold his breath. 

“Shower it is,” Bokuto says with a smile. Shinsuke smiles back and nothing happens for a few seconds as they stay smiling at each other. Then Bokuto raises an eyebrow and Shinsuke catches himself, stepping back and reaching for the tab to close the hose while giving Bokuto directions to the shower, feeling his cheeks warm for reasons unknown to him. 

“I’ll be quick.” Bokuto tells him, turning to leave without another word. Shinsuke puts the hose down and turns just in time to catch Bokuto’s muscular back disappear through his backdoor. 

He gulps and makes the sudden realization that Bokuto has a very attractive body. Well, it’s not really a new or surprising observation, but for whatever reason, at this very moment, that fact has suddenly begun to turn Shinsuke’s world upside-down while his heart flutters and his mind starts graphing out some data and collecting research in search of an answer to the recently throbbing question; why does Bokuto make me feel like this?

So trying to keep his mind clear of that conclusion, Shinsuke lets his body work with little thought. He picks up Bokuto clothes and refuses to think about it; he throws the clothes in the washer and continues to not think about it; and then goes to sit by the dinner table waiting for Bokuto as he stays not thinking about it— five minutes later Shinsuke’s eyes trail to a ray of sunshine seeping through the window and he thinks about Bokuto’s warm smile while losing whatever little control he had as he starts to think about it.

Attraction. Clearly he is attracted to Bokuto. Okay. Yeah, that’s fine. That’s… something that doesn’t need to mean anything. Bokuto is a very attractive man. Many magazines think so. Many more people would also agree. In fact, some of Shinsuke’s acquaintances that know Bokuto would probably agree as well.

If it’s a fact agreed upon by everyone, Shinsuke is not special. 

You know this already. Shinsuke tells himself, the tone of his conviction reminding him of his younger days— of a time when excuses made it easier to dismiss fleeting feelings and dangerous impulsive yearning. What’s wrong with me? Shinsuke thinks, feeling a little crazed. He feels like he is making sense and that there is nothing to really be distressed about yet—

Shinsuke hears the door of the bathroom open from down the hall. He rises to his feet, freezing his thoughts as they come close to reaching a dangerous conclusion.

(Again, when Shinsuke later reflects on this day, he knows that the thoughts had already formed a conclusion and proudly declared it regardless of his faux ignorance. But he won’t admit that in this moment.) 

He lets his eyes fall on the two bowls of rice and he moves automatically, knowing well the rice is cold and he should probably heat it up now that Bokuto is done his shower. 

Shinsuke spends the next five minutes following a routine. Step by step, he does things the way they are suppose to be done. Everything has an oder. If one does things right, there will be no surprises or unresolvable situations. Being prepared is not a crime. It’s just simply how Shinsuke moves. It’s who he is. 

When Bokuto comes walking in, his bare feet barely fitting in the guest-slippers Shinsuke had stored in the bathroom vanity, fresh tank top and sweats covering his body, a towel resting on his shoulders, hair still dripping, Shinsuke feels his reaction form into words in his head and forces his mouth shut to keep them inside. 

Shinsuke always wears socks when wearing slippers, especially if they are not his own (socks after a shower will help keep your feet from drying and help preserve the slippers). He wears a shirt with long sleeves if he is not going straight to bed (it’s polite to be decently covered). He always leaves the towels in the bathroom, either in the laundry basket or on a side rack drying (there is no need to wear them around the house). His hair is dry or at the very least only slight damp (that way the chances of catching a cold isn’t high and you won’t be dripping water all over the place). 

Shinsuke is always prepared. He does things right. He doesn’t take shortcuts. He is diligent. That’s just who Shinsuke is. 

Bokuto loos his way; wide smile, teeth showing, hair dripping, and asks: “food?”

Shinsuke hums, “yeah.”

-o-

When Shinsuke is almost done his plate, almost five minutes after Bokuto has already finished his, he starts to notice Bokuto’s hair begin to rise. 

He notices first with a strand sticking out behind his ear. Bokuto is excitedly talking about a movie he watched last week, his hands moving around to explain the action scene when he suddenly shakes his head and Shinsuke’s eyes immediately spot the short, all black strand of hair. 

Bokuto continues his story and Shinsuke has to avert his eyes back to Bokuto’s face every once in a while to show he is listening even though he can barely concentrate as the strand, now seemingly dry, sits in an upward position. 

In fact, as the rest of Bokuto’s hair continues to dry, it continue to rise. It doesn’t go high enough to stand as Bokuto’s usual hairstyle, but Shinsuke can definitely see the consequences of his regular hairstyle as every strand continues to frizz up with ease. 

(Shinsuke also notices a lot of black strands with little white on them and thinks perhaps Bokuto hasn’t dyed his hair in quite some time. Shinsuke dyes his hair every two weeks.)

Bokuto doesn’t seem bothered by his hair nor does he catch Shinsuke staring. 

Though maybe he catches Shinsuke’s dopey smile as he watches on and listen to him talk. There is no way he misses it. Especially since Shinsuke doesn’t even know he has it on until Bokuto has done his talking and is now also just watching Shinsuke with a smile. 

Shinsuke swallows back whatever sound of surprise he was going to make once he notices the lack of talking and immediately busies himself with clearing out the table. If Bokuto notices the red on his cheeks, he doesn’t say anything. 

-o-

Before the sun completely sets, Shinsuke manages to give Bokuto a proper tour of the farm. 

Bokuto asks a lot of questions even though at the end he claims to forget everything Shinsuke told him before promising to never start a farm for the sake of humanity. Shinsuke laughs at his overdramatic joke but nonetheless tells him that if he were willing to start a farm or work at a farm, Shinsuke trusts Bokuto could do it.

Maybe with a lot of guidance and training but; “you have the capacity to do anything you set your mind to.” Shinsuke truthfully admits, “you are strong minded. That’s a very good quality to have.”

It’s an odd compliment, but it leaves Shinsuke’s mouth without thought. Thankfully Bokuto doesn’t seem to find it weird and the smile he offers Shinsuke is enough to put at ease the nerves ghosting his skin.

Nerves. When’s the last time he has ever felt nervous? 

“Thanks a lot, Shin!” Bokuto says, the nickname tickling Shinsuke’s heart. Is this the first time he has used it?

“Can I brush your hair?” Says Shinsuke in response, instantly transforming that tickling sensation into a spasm that has him thinking he might have a heart attack. Can I what!? He screams at himself, his mind running in circles as it tries to figure out where those words even began to form. Oh my god, he then thinks, the distressed tone in his head reminding him of Aran every time he saw the twins do something stupid back in high school. 

Bokuto, after a long pause, laughs. “Sorry,” he says, “I wasn’t expecting that. Ah, it’s really something right?” He chuckles, his hands running through his hair trying to comb it back to keep it from standing in every direction. 

“Sorry,” Shinsuke says, his tone neutral even though his mind seems to be mimicking every panicked tone of his friends as he continues to curse his mouth for doing something so out of character. Since when does he just speak without thinking?— that sounds like Suna and Shinsuke can almost picture the sly smirk he wears when teasing someone. How bizarre— Osamu, equally teasing but looking kinder doing so. What’s gotten into ya?— Atsumu, blunt and judgmental, eyebrows furrowed because he can’t understand why—

“I didn’t mean to be so rude. We should head back and…”

“It would be nice, actually.” Bokuto says, his confident voice cutting Shinsuke off. 

Shinsuke pauses. Swallows. Ignores the various images of his friends wiggling their eyebrows at him and says, almost with a gasp; “okay.”

Okay? Okay!?

Okay.

So Shinsuke made a bizarre request and Bokuto has for some reason agreed and fifteen minutes later they are back inside Shinsuke’s home, Bokuto sitting on a chair while Shinsuke stands behind him, a brush in hand with some styling gel at arms reach. 

Shinsuke doesn’t know where to start. 

“I’ve been meaning to get a hair cut,” Bokuto says. Shinsuke watches as his fingers fidget over his lap and wonders if he is nervous. “It’s also been a while since I’ve dyed it.”

I know. Shinsuke thinks, getting his hands to work. He makes sure to be gentle, all the while to not cross some sort of line by doing something ridiculous like pull at his hair or accidentally damage it. Of course, both things Shinsuke wouldn’t do but for some reason he can’t stop thinking about the very unlikely chance that he could. (Again. He wouldn’t.)

“You know, I think I want to try a new colour. ‘Kaashi doesn’t think it’s a good idea. Tetsu told me to try red but I know he is just messing with me.”

“Red would be… interesting.”

“See, even you hate it!” Bokuto chuckles. “Tsum-Tsum suggested blonde, like him.”

“No.” Shinsuke says instantly, his hand pulling a little roughly at a lock of hair. He feels his face strain in a wince like manner. What is wrong with me? Shinsuke clears his throat. “Osamu’s old grey might suit you better.”

Because Shinsuke has pulled his hands away from Bokuto’s hair, Bokuto is capable of turning his head to make eye contact with him. “Yeah?” He asks with a gentle smile. “But I think I like matching with you better.”

Shinsuke instantly looks away, a shaky chuckle leaving his lips as he reaches for the hair gel. “Yes, white does suit you.” He says, watching Bokuto from the corner of his eyes, waiting for him to turn back around. Once he does, Shinsuke starts brushing his hair, this time applying some gel to his ends, aiming to have all his hair away from his face; combed back but still with enough volume to imitate his usual hairstyle. 

“You know, I bet if I styled my hair like yours, I could fool Tsumu or Aran into thinking I’m you.”

Not with that body. “Maybe in really bad lighting.” 

“Hey!” Bokuto complains, “Shin! I could totally do it!”

“Aran used to get the twins mixed up after long matches,” Shinsuke hums, “maybe with a good plan.”

“Is that a challenge? Wanna make a bet?” Bokuto asks. Shinsuke thinks back to the garden and understands how easy it is to get Bokuto to bet on something.

He is a bit ridiculous, Shinsuke observes. There is no way he actually believes he would be able to trick Atsumu or much less Aran, not when they’ve known Shinsuke for years and are definitely well aware of how different Shinsuke and Bokuto are. Mainly physique speaking. 

But beyond that, there is a part of Shinsuke that actually believes that Bokuto will manage to trick them. Solely because of the confidence he emits. Especially when his tone doesn’t waver and Shinsuke feels all warm just being near him. 

Wasn’t he the one that told Bokuto he could do anything he set his mind to?

Yeah, Shinsuke will definitely lose if they make a bet. He hums, thinking of something funny to say to back down from the bet without actually saying no, just so he is not admitting defeat so easily, but suddenly, out of nowhere and completely catching Shinsuke by surprise, Bokuto moans out; “that feels so nice,” and Shinsuke has to use all his will power to force his hands to keep working through Bokuto’s hair to avoid visibly reacting.

Bokuto doesn’t say anything else and he doesn’t seem to be feeling any sort of regret or embarrassment. Which is… strange— crazy, actually, because Shinsuke already feels blood rushing to his cheeks and— Bokuto lets out another tiny moan, this time without any words. 

In an instant, Shinsuke feels something come to life inside him. His heartbeat quickens and his throat dries. His hands pause as Bokuto lifts his head and locks eyes with him. 

Shinsuke swallows, taking in how attractive Bokuto looks, his hair now mostly combed back, a good chunk of it resting in between Shinsuke’s hand and the brush. Shinsuke can see Bokuto’s forehead clearly now, and much like the rest of his face, the skin is smooth and pale, probably soft if Shinsuke were to touch it. 

But who cares about skin when Bokuto’s eyes are wide open and staring right at him? 

How did Shinsuke end up in this situation? Why are his feet suddenly stuck to the floor and why won’t his hands move? Why did he even offer to brush Bokuto’s hair? Did it come out as suggestive as Shinsuke thinks it now was? Why had Bokuto just agreed? Why does he accept his touch without restrain? What would happen if Shinsuke would just—

Shinsuke pulls the brush away, quickly swallows and barely manages to force his voice out as he says; “all done.” 

Bokuto lets out a little hum, one hand moving to touch his hair while the other pulls out his phone, keeping it off to use the black screen as a mirror. Shinsuke thanks his fast thinking once those intense golden orbs are no longer suffocating him with their attention.

“I like it,” Bokuto says, messing with a few baby hairs from the the front before putting away his phone and once again turning to face Shinsuke, Shinsuke’s blood pleasure seemingly increasing the moment their eyes lock again. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” He manages to say. At least, he thinks he says. His mind is for some reason not working the way it’s supposed to so Shinsuke can’t be too sure. 

(When he thinks back to this day, he is always so astonished to notice how strange he had behaved, and how telling that behaviour was. But of course, the current Shinsuke is too busy dealing with unprecedented scenarios so he hardly has time to really make that connection.)

Instead, he somehow continues to let his mouth speak without his permission and ends up kicking Bokuto out of his house. In a subtle way of course. 

“I think the bushes will be ready for a trimming in a day or two.” Is what he says. “Trimming bushes and trimming plants is not that different. You would benefit from an experience…” He trails off, realizing how eager he must sound at the idea of Bokuto returning for something that doesn’t seem that necessary, upon further thought. 

“Yes!” Bokuto says just as Shinsuke opens his mouth to dismiss his words. “I… two days? I can come back, if it’s okay?”

It’s more than okay, Shinsuke thinks and thankfully Bokuto starts moving to where his stuff is so he doesn’t manage to notice how hard Shinsuke has to click his mouth shut to avoid voicing his thoughts. What’s wrong with me?  He wonders, not for the first time, his hand reaching out to push his hair away from his forehead to take a deep breath in before he lets his hair fall back into place. “Yeah. It’s okay. I want you to be well prepared for when the plants grow.” 

Bokuto nods, packing his now clean original clothes in his bag before letting Shinsuke lead the way towards the main entrance. Bokuto leaves the burrowed slippers neatly placed to the side while he puts on his shoes. Then he thanks Shinsuke for his hospitality and goes on his way. 

Shinsuke watches his car drive off, finally noticing how warm his hands feel— have felt since they touched Bokuto’s hair.

-o-

Two days later, like they agreed, Bokuto returns, though this time with the intention of staying the night.

Shinsuke doesn’t actually remember how that decision came to pass. One moment he was on the phone, discussing details of the teachings Shinsuke has left to offer and the next he is assuring Bokuto that he has an extra futon for him and that it won’t be any trouble at all to house him for the night. 

Shinsuke falters after the phone call ends and takes a moment to run down his condition as if there were any symptoms that could tell him what the hell is wrong with him. It almost feels like something has possessed his body and is now in control. After all, he can’t help but think how out of character he has been the past few days. It’s concerning but eventually Shinsuke realizes that thinking about it means thinking about Bokuto and right now, he can’t trust himself with that. 

Especially when he still has the clear image of bare muscles engraved in his head. Bokuto’s pleased moans seems to echo quite frequently in his ear, which is also of no help. Some times Shinsuke even finds himself remembering how soft Bokuto’s hair was in his hands. How smooth his skin looked and how his eyes seemed to reach far into his soul. 

He then thinks of how the emotions slowly growing inside him resemble feeling he has long ago buried with someone else’s name on it and his heart sinks with such force he recoils. 

What is wrong with me? He asks himself countless times the days leading up to Bokuto’s visit. Then when the day finally arrives, every hour before Bokuto arrives Shinsuke spends it trying to keep himself occupied, doing chores and other tasks to leave his mind no room to think. 

It hardly works. If anything, it makes it worse since the moment Shinsuke catches sight of Bokuto he is momentarily stunned with how much his presence excites him. A smile appears on Shinsuke’s face before he can even think about the warmth he feels watching Bokuto. When Bokuto smiles in return and greets him casually, using the nickname he now seems fond of, “Shin,” Shinsuke can’t even blame himself for letting his heart beat to a tune he felt he had no reason knowing. 

It became quite evident then, that Bokuto had awakened something inside him. Something Shinsuke wasn’t prepared to deal with.

Shinsuke lets his instincts take over in an instant. He spends the first hours of the day working with Bokuto, instructing him to accomplish tasks while continuing to teach him the little he has left to learn about gardening. They trim trees and bushes together. Bokuto helps him collect a few fruits from his fruit trees and they even get to meet two of Shinsuke’s uncles who came to check up on the rice. 

At dinner time, Shinsuke lets Bokuto help him cook. They stand side by side cutting vegetables, cooking rice, frying meat and always sharing conversation.

It’s easy being with Bokuto. It’s not really a new discovery since Shinsuke never thought it could be hard but it’s still something that Shinsuke thinks should astonish him more. How natural it all feels… it’s strange to think that it’s only been a few weeks since they strengthened their friendship. If Shinsuke had doubts before, he doesn’t now. Bokuto is his friend. A very close friend who Shinsuke cares for.

No, it’s not just that. 

There is something more.

“Shin?” 

Something that he could have probably noticed had he not been so busy trying to ignore the puzzle his mind was building.

But now— after dinner has been eaten and the plates have been washed; after the sun has set and the moon illuminates the night; after Shinsuke’s body has tired from working on autopilot; after his mind has finally grabbed unto the last piece of the puzzle; after Bokuto nearly bumps into his back when Shinsuke freezes on his way to the guest room where he meant to guide him; after Bokuto puts his hand on his shoulder and his voice calls out to him with concern— Shinsuke sees the bigger picture. 

Bokuto’s hand feels heavy but more than that, there seems to be a fire growing from his touch. Bokuto stands behind him and out of sight but Shinsuke can feel his looming figure as if they were facing each other— though right now Shinsuke doesn’t think he would be able to handle meeting his eyes. 

Not when his throat suddenly feels dry and his mind seems to think that Bokuto could solve that. His heart is beginning to beat to a tune that wants to call out to him while Shinsuke’s blood begins to heat up his entire body, feeling reassured that Bokuto stands nearby and ready to put out the fire.

No, that’s not it. Shinsuke thinks. If anything, his blood is just heat ready to burn him alive at Bokuto’s command. 

(Like a star— a sun. Isn’t there a saying about getting too close to the sun?)

He doesn’t know if it’s a bad thing or not. Either way, Shinsuke doesn’t miss the way the air changes around them— has changed around him since the last time Bokuto was here. It’s like after the soil incident everything they did seemed to carry a secret meaning. Everything Bokuto said was coated with suggestions, his eyes would linger on Shinsuke longer each time and at some point, Shinsuke had probably stopped trying to avoid them. 

Today he probably met every look with a firm stance even though the gold in Bokuto’s eyes take Shinsuke into a universe where he feels like he is not himself. (That’s it. Thats the thought Shinsuke has tried so hard to deny.) His heart also has trouble keeping up with its irregular beating every time Shinsuke notices the way Bokuto’s eyes seem to ask questions that Shinsuke finds himself eager to answer.

Like right now.

“Shin?” Bokuto says again and Shinsuke feels the touch on his shoulder a little heavier now.  

What if…? He thinks— he can’t help but think every other minute, the thought usually followed by further conviction of his most recent realization. 

Shinsuke is attracted to Bokuto. Physically, emotionally, it doesn’t matter. It’s definitely a mixture of both since following the line’s of Bokuto’s muscles leave him just as breathless as Bokuto’s beaming smile and general proximity. The more his heart beats to the beat of his crush, the more does Shinsuke convince himself of the meaning behind the turning feelings in his stomach.

Shinsuke is attracted to Bokuto, he knows that, just that now… now he thinks he wants to do something about it. 

Even though he has been trying hard not to, he is drowning in memories of the past two weeks. He thinks about every interaction, every conversation and how they’ve been flirting with each other this whole time. Or at least, that’s what Shinsuke ends up hoping has been happening. 

He blushes at the realization of his own actions and words that were coating with intentions without him knowing, but it doesn’t compare to how his cheeks burn when Shinsuke thinks back to when Bokuto would listen to his advice and smile at him, always lingering close by to show his attention is fully on Shinsuke. 

Bokuto has a way of smiling with open desire. He is a tactile person, always brushing his back, touching his hand, letting his body loom close by, circling and trapping Shinsuke with his proximity.

Shinsuke is no fool but now that his mind has so easily organized itself, he can’t help but feel foolish as he accepts what all these days have undoubtedly lead to. 

What if I kiss him? Shinsuke thinks, the emotions burning inside him quick to answer; he will kiss you back. 

But what happens if I kiss him?

How far is this going? What will it lead to? What does Shinsuke really want? Is a kiss going to be enough? Is the hunger thats building up in him going to subside once Shinsuke tastes the warmth of Bokuto’s smile? 

What does Bokuto want?

Shinsuke finds himself stumped once his mind brings forward that question and ultimately, it’s the reason behind his lack of initiative. 

There is a great part of him that’s convinced Shinsuke’s sound-mind has reached the right conclusion. He doesn’t think he read the situation wrong. He doesn’t think he is mistaken in finding reflecting emotions seeping through Bokuto’s persona every time they face each other. 

Shinsuke knows there is a mutual desire floating around them. 

What he can’t find himself agreeing with is if anything needs to be done by it. Especially when he knows that later today, or tomorrow, or a week from now, Shinsuke is going to think, look back, and see things completely differently. Knowing that is more than enough to let a coat of hesitation rest above him. It’s enough to push his lust aside to attempt to take a step forward, the words; ‘sorry, I was just thinking about something’ at the tip of his tongue 

Or so he thought. 

Because regardless of the time he spends in his mind thinking, considering, and deciding, Bokuto throws his world upside down when he makes it possible for the two of them to find themselves in a position that requires action for those feelings brewing inside them. 

It seems like the one step Shinsuke took was enough to push Bokuto into action. His grip on Shinsuke’s shoulder tightens and, in a speed that feels almost inhumane, Shinsuke is being pulled back while Bokuto is moving forward, positioning himself in front of Shinsuke so they can stand face to face, emotions bare on their expressions.

Shinsuke doesn’t remember who makes the first move. 

What he remembers is the touch of Bokuto’s hand on his cheek as he pulls him closer and calls out to him. “Shinsuke,” he says as if Shinsuke’s name was a word he voices every day. It sounds different than ‘Shin’. It sounds heavy with questions and uncertainties but equally desperate with desire— as if Shinsuke’s very name was tearing Bokuto apart.  

Yet Shinsuke is the one that feels his entire world being ignited with the heat that pours from Bokuto’s touch.

“I want to...” he trails off, leaning closer to the point that their noses are touching, “If I read this wrong… I don’t want to overstep. But I— just tell me if you want me to stop.” He whisper and Shinsuke’s remaining hold on his sanity vanishes as he lets his desire guide him. 

Shinsuke really doesn’t remember who makes the first move. When he thinks back on this moment, his mind sometimes draws out the way Bokuto pulled his face upwards to seal their lips together, and other times Shinsuke thinks he can clearly picture himself grab onto Bokuto’s collar before pulling him down so Shinsuke can finally taste that beaming smile Bokuto always wears. 

Bokuto kisses him. Furiously. Hungrily. Like a starving man. And Shinsuke- 

Shinsuke moans, getting lost in the feeling of heat coming from Bokuto’s body. He preens, lets his body curve to accommodate Bokuto’s figure. Shinsuke loses himself to every touch, every sound, every move that Bokuto offers. He lets the energy that comes from giving into his lust guide his hands all over Bokuto body— Shinsuke kisses back, somewhere inside thinking of how  right he was; Bokuto’s lips might as well be the glass of water Shinsuke spent his whole life searching for in the Sahara desert. 

Shinsuke takes everything Bokuto offers and when he realizes how greedy he must appear, he offers just as much back to the starving man. Bokuto seeks his voice of approval, his constant exclamation of consent as if he can’t quite believe Shinsuke is offering himself. 

Shinsuke, when he takes a moment to think, decides that he can’t quite believe it himself either. 

This is all new to him, really. Shinsuke doesn’t have experience when it comes to all of this. Bokuto is his first kiss. Bokuto is his first anything. So how is it that Shinsuke is ready to give everything away?

They hold each other, barely any room left between them but somehow it’s still not enough. Shinsuke wants more. Moremoremore, his mind screams and his body doesn’t take long to listen. Shinsuke is the one who pulls away long enough to get them moving towards his bedroom. He is the one that mumbles words that Bokuto follows with ease.

But even then they don’t let go of each other. They take turns pushing at each other’s lips—biting, licking, sucking— while their feet stumble across the hallway, passing the guest room meant for Bokuto along the way, Shinsuke not once second guessing his actions.

Bokuto is the one that pushes Shinsuke’s bedroom door open though Shinsuke takes credit for pressing Bokuto against that door in the first place. Then, even though its Bokuto’s first time in his room, he is the one that leads them to Shinsuke’s bed, his hands reaching to remove his shirt before he sits on the edge and Shinsuke swallows, his eyes taking in Bokuto’s disheveled hair, swollen lips and focused eyes. 

“Koutarou,” Shinsuke speaks, the name leaving his mouth with ease. He thinks maybe it’s because it would be stupid to be using his last name after everything but deep inside Shinsuke knows it’s because he finally found the courage to call out to him with his voice bare of hesitation. “Koutarou…” he tries again, this time the name meant to be heard as a question even though Shinsuke is not sure of what he is asking.

Yet Koutarou sighs and smiles, his eyes seeming to understand as he extends his hands forward to grab the end of Shinsuke’s shirt.

As Koutarou undresses him, starting with his shirt, Shinsuke thinks time slows down around him. He is not nervous or scared by the intimate moment but there is definitely a different type of heat brewing inside him. A heat that even though Shinsuke hasn’t felt before, he wants nothing more than to welcome it like an old friend. 

He almost gets lost in that heat. His eyes fluttering close as Koutarou removes the last piece of clothing on Shinsuke and his hands now move to hold his bare skin, gently touching him and pulling him closer. Hot. It’s so hot and yet—

His breath stutters and his eyes fly open when he feels Koutarou’s lips graze over his abdomen. An embarrassing sound leaves his mouth soon after, once Koutarou begins to kiss his skin, sucking light bruises all over Shinsuke’s abs before once again pulling their bodies together; guiding Shinsuke to sit on his lap while his mouth seeks Shinsuke’s kisses once again. 

“Shin,” Koutarou moans in between kisses and then he is saying other things, sweet things that Shinsuke feels his heart skip beats at. Koutarou’s words hit his chest like rose petals falling on calm water. The ripples they create awaken every nerve in Shinsuke’s body, further welcoming every touch. 

The air around him is starting to feel sweet and for a moment Shinsuke thinks there might be something else swimming in the depts of his being. There is another emotion, one beyond attraction that Shinsuke has yet to notice. Koutarou’s touch is hot but it’s also gentle enough to remind Shinsuke that this heat won’t consume him. The gold in Koutarou’s eyes isn’t watching him with only desire and lust but… something else.

Something familiar, truthful and hopeful.

Something that Shinsuke doesn’t have the mind to dissect. Not at the moment. Not when Koutarou now has him flat on the bed, his hands keeping Shinsuke’s arms above his head, pinned while Koutarou lets his lips move down his neck.  

Shinsuke is filled with the sudden desire to fight his hold because he too craves to touch, to feel, to study every pulsing muscle, every throbbing vein. He wants to have Koutarou in a similar position. He must voice that at some point because Koutarou chuckles and nods along, promising that there is time and so they continue. 

They continue stuck to each other. Skin against skin. Lips always touching, hands always searching. The heat around them grows and Shinsuke continues to welcome it. With every passing moment Koutarou takes the leads, teaching Shinsuke something new and Shinsuke returns the favour. 

It’s overwhelming, intoxicating, addicting— at one point Shinsuke doesn’t think he will ever be satisfied. Even when they are reaching their high, their bodies now grinding against each other, their lower bodies moving with such precision in search of release. Koutarou is getting talkative though his words don’t make much sense. He continues to say Shinsuke’s name like a mantra along with other curse or affirming words. 

In his own way, Shinsuke lets his mouth run loose as well. He moans and cries out, almost whimpering at times when Koutarou makes him feel something new. If he could scream, Shinsuke would have probably already lost his voice. But every time his mouth opens with pleasure, Koutarou swallows his screams. It drives Shinsuke a little crazy but it seems to do more to Koutarou who then pulls back and looks at Shinsuke like he is something precious.

In fact, once they reach their climax, Shinsuke feels the cloud of lust in his head vanish at the sight of impenetrable emotions coming from Koutarou’s stare. His eyes alone pin Shinsuke to the bed, making him feel like prey at the mercy of a wild animal. He holds his breath for a few seconds, unsure of what’s about to transpire. 

Then Koutarou’s eyes soften and he is kissing Shinsuke one more time, his arm curling around his waist to pull him close as he finally rests next to him, disheveled hair covering most of Shinsuke’s pillow.  

Shinsuke’s hands move without thought, easily curling in Koutarou’s hair before pulling him for another short kiss, sweet and gentle like the last one. 

Koutarou chuckles, his free hand blinding searching for Shinsuke’s sheets to pull them over their naked bodies. “Shinsuke,” Koutarou whispers, like a secret and Shinsuke hums, tasting the affection in his voice as his body moves to curl against Koutarou’s broad chest. 

“That was amazing,” Shinsuke thinks he hears sometime before his eyes finally close, his body already heavy with exhaustion while Shinsuke’s mind can only think Koutarou, Koutarou, Koutarou, echoed by the sound a soft melody. “Sleep tight Shin,” he then hears and in his mind he replies with ‘you too, Kou…tarou’ as a gust of wind seems to hit his heart with enough force that Shinsuke’s soul instantly tires, sending him to sleep with two thoughts.

One: he is happy. Two: he quite likes Koutarou’s voice.

He doesn’t think about Atsumu until the next day. 

-o-

Shinsuke wakes up with a dry mouth. 

That’s when he takes a step back, mentally, and realizes what phenomenon has been standing by him this entire time. 

Bokuto Koutarou is a monster, just like Atsumu, and Shinsuke, a mere mortal, has no place by his side. 

(When Shinsuke later thinks about how easy it is to push Koutarou away, he realizes that maybe Koutarou has a human side… maybe he didn’t know how to act either, maybe he was just as scared, maybe he was just as much of a fool as Shinsuke.)

-o- 

Three weeks before the twin’s birthday and Rintarou finally calls to offer his help in planning the surprise birthday party Shinsuke had promised to throw. 

While helping Bokuto with his garden, Shinsuke has also found time to set things up for the twins. Shinsuke is mostly working with Osamu’s employees since its been decided to host the party at his restaurant. Osamu’s employees will set up the place while Aran will keep both twins occupied to manage the surprise. 

Rintarou, like Shinsuke had informed him three weeks ago, is in charge of inviting all of their friends. All Shinsuke has to do is communicate between all of them and be the source of all the information, carefully organizing the finer details to make sure the surprise party is a success.

While spending time with Koutarou he has been able to share bits and pieces of the party planning with him as part of their casual conversations. Now, he regrets that decision since planning the party is not serving as a distraction for his intrusive thoughts. 

Thought’s he hasn’t been able to stop since Koutarou left his house, gentle smile firmly displayed even though he barely spared Shinsuke a second glance.

Shinsuke doesn’t have many experience with awkward situations but it feels like this moment is more than enough to fuel him a life time. Even the day Atsumu confessed to him doesn’t compare to this. 

Atsumu’s confession had brought nothing but pain and remorse. Watching Koutarou leave without offering his usual beaming smile had sucked the breath out of Shinsuke’s lungs, leaving him with a feeling of discomfort twisting his gut and no matter how hard Shinsuke tried, he couldn’t name any emotion that followed that discomfort. 

It’s been a week and he can’t even bring himself to make an attempt at figuring it out. Because even though he spends every waking moment thinking about Koutarou, Shinsuke hasn’t allowed his mind to form any connection, to study any patterns, to spell out the solution to the equation they both crafted that night in his bedroom.

“… I think we should also invite Tsumu’s newest teammate but he won’t come unless his cousin comes so add Montoya to the list. He can probably catch a ride with Bokuto and Akaashi…”

Shinsuke internally sighs, writing down Sakusa and Komori’s name on the ever growing list of invitees. Akaashi and Koutarou’s names are already written at the very top, right under Aran’s name. It’s unnerving to see just how important they are. Shinsuke had written their names before Rintarou had mentioned them and even then, when Rintarou did bring them up he did so following the word ‘obviously’ because Akaashi, and more importantly, Koutarou, fit right in with them. 

Four weeks ago they were just friends, Shinsuke realizes. Now, Akaashi is still Akaashi but Bokuto is Koutarou and that simple thought sparks this chilling sensation in Shinsuke’s bones.

It’s a lot like guilt. And fear. 

It’s a bit ridiculous and selfish because now, for the first time since this all started, Shinsuke remembers his friends and how they are also Koutarou’s friends and momentarily stills, completely missing the few names Rintarou continues to name as sullen thoughts seep inside him  picking at his already tattered soul.

He opens his mouth, thinking of interrupting Rintarou to share with him everything that’s been weighting at Shinsuke’s chest, but he stops himself as he quickly remembers Rintarou’s brashness. Much like Atsumu, Rintarou is very outspoken and though Shinsuke doesn’t doubt Rintarou’s affection for him, he can already picture how he will react and it won’t end well.

Rintarou won’t sugarcoat his words, which Shinsuke appreciates, but he also won’t stop to think how much damage they might cause before he spews them. That might cause more problems than it’s worth. Rintarou’s advice is best when he has had time to think about it. When his words won’t be fired with raw emotions. 

It’s a bit unexpected that Shinsuke is really putting thought into this. Usually he would just let Rintarou react, knowing well that he would be prepared for whatever words or advice he offers, regardless of how sharp and deadly they might be.

Maybe he knows he wont be able to handle it. 

Ah. Maybe Shinsuke is afraid. Afraid that he miscalculated. Afraid that he is wrong. Afraid that Rintarou will say something he wont be able to predict. Afraid that for the first time, Shinsuke is not as prepared as he thought. 

Something is missing. 

“…should we invite some of Samu’s regulars? Would he want that? Is that weird?”

Shinsuke hums and Rintarou continues talking, not caring that Shinsuke is barely paying attention to the conversation. Though Shinsuke does hear Osamu’s name and suddenly feels inspired. 

He thinks over it for a few minutes and once his call with Rintarou is done, he makes up his mind, quickly making a mental list of things to get at the convenience store before he sets out to Osamu’s restaurant.

-o-

Perhaps his problem was reaching out without a warning. 

Maybe then he wouldn’t have entered the shop only to get hit with the sight of Atsumu’s hand on Ushijima’s shoulder.

“Kita-san!” Osamu sees him first, shouting out his greeting. This forces Shinsuke to make his way forward instead of running off like he would have preferred. 

The restaurant is mostly empty. There a server cleaning a few tables closer to the entrance while Shinsuke had already encountered another employee outside, getting ready to close the doors. Osamu is standing behind the counter, his apron over his shoulder making it clear he is done his shift. 

Turning their heads only, Atsumu and Ushijima stay seated while they watch Shinsuke approach them.

“Kita-san,” Atsumu greets, a bit of surprise in his tone. Shinsuke smiles as a greeting, turning to Ushijima who offers a slight head bow of acknowledgment once he is finally in talking distance with the trio. 

“Whatja got there?” Osamu inquires, extending his head to try to peak inside the bag Shinsuke carries.

“Tofu.” Shinsuke replies, “and rice flour. I was craving dango.”

“Whaaa,” Atsumu whines, “ya came to make Osamu dango? How is that fair!?”

From beside him, Ushijima speaks. “That’s not what he said.”

Osamu crackles, extending his hand for the bag that Shinsuke offers while he watches Atsumu gap at Ushijima before his eyebrows furrow and he huffs, crossing his arms over his chest. “Kita-san never eats dango by himself. He is too healthy for that.” Atsumu explains and then turns to face Shinsuke, “which means you came to make some for Samu since he is a fatass.”

“No, he came to make some for me ‘cause I’m his favourite.”

Atsumu turns back to Ushijima his expression one of exaggerated horror. “Ushiwaka, Samu’s finally lost it, what are we going to do?” 

Shinsuke chuckles, moving to get behind the counter while Osamu begins to insult Atsumu, warning Ushijima how its probably safer to keep his distance from him before he starts to lose braincells. Atsumu recoils and is quick to start the verbal insults as Shinsuke takes the bag back from Osamu and the two empty plates in front of Ushijima and Atsumu before leaving to the kitchen. 

When he returns, dishes left in the sink and the bag on the the kitchen counter, Osamu and Atsumu are still at it, the server that was cleaning the table now caught between their lighthearted argument while Ushijima watches, his eyes mainly on Atsumu. 

“Would you like some dango, Ushijima-san?”

Ushijima’s eyes leave Atsumu to meet Shinsuke’s. “Yes please.” 

Shinsuke leaves the twins still arguing though by the looks of it, Osamu is one comeback away from making Atsumu laugh so he doesn’t worry. Sure enough, while he is working on the dango, the server that was caught in their fight comes into the kitchen; the echo of the twin’s laughter following him through the door before its closed.

“Kids,” the man grunts, beginning to clean the kitchen.

When Shinsuke is boiling the dango Osamu and the other employee that closed the store enter the kitchen to help with the clean up and the prep work for tomorrow. There isn’t much work left so it isn’t long until Osamu dismisses both the employees, letting them head home while Shinsuke helps him with the last bit of work. 

A few minutes later, Shinsuke has the dango in the skewers, served in four plates before he and Osamu head back outside to join Atsumu and Ushijima. 

They eat over a passionate conversation on desserts. Osamu leads the conversation by explaining in detail why anything matcha flavoured is superior while Atsumu tries to argue back and claim strawberry the superior flavour. Ushijima is a fan of vanilla, much like Shinsuke, and so the twins deem them under-qualified for the conversation, claiming their options invalid even though they continue to demand for their input every time they name a new dessert. 

It’s fun in a way because Shinsuke is quite well in tuned with Ushijima even though he can count their interactions in one hand. Ushijima just seems like a simple man, much like Shinsuke. In fact, Shinsuke can probably list countless of ways him and Ushijima are alike— but knowing what he knows about Ushijima and Atsumu has him silencing those thoughts. 

If what he heard that night from Rintarou and Osamu’s conversation is true, Shinsuke is treading a very fine line. It doesn’t help that Atsumu being here with Ushijima on a random day of the week during the pre-start-of-the-season practices all professional volleyball players have, carries more meaning than any rumour Rintarou might have been sharing with Osamu. 

Shinsuke’s mind is in turmoil and only because his heart can’t seem to decide what to feel. The evidence in front of him should plunge his heart deep into a void of regret and longing. Seeing Atsumu sit so close to Ushijima, casually brush their arms together, allow him to witness his childish behaviour with his brother… all those things should hurt more than they do right now. 

In fact, when Shinsuke took one step inside the restaurant and saw them he momentary froze at the sight of them together because he was surprised— surprised that they would be there; surprised that they sat so close to each other; surprised that Atsumu could sit next to Ushijima and all Shinsuke could think is; oh.

Oh. Thats quickly followed with a sigh because Shinsuke had a purpose for visiting Osamu and now he is disappointed that Atsumu is in the way of that. 

Wait. 

Wait.

Disappointment? Thats what he feels? Disappointment is an emotion saved for when expectations aren’t met. It’s a feeling of sadness and displeasure caused by some sort of…nonfulfillment. 

Somehow this realization doesn’t sit well with Shinsuke so he backtracks. He clears his mind, pleads his heart to pause for a second, and then he lets his mind re-think the situation from a different angle. 

Or more like. 

Shinsuke clears his mind from Atsumu, Ushijima, Osamu and everything else surrounding him at the moment and finds himself back to thinking about Koutarou. 

He thinks about a body pressed against him; of strong muscles wrapped around him as the sensation of every thrust builds up the heat in his stomach while the image plays in his head. If he were to close his eyes, Shinsuke could probably see wide golden eyes pinned on him; he could probably feel those swollen lips ghost over his neck; he could probably hear the whisper of his name echo in his head.

In truth, without closing his eyes the image is already in his head. 

Not just of that particular moment but rather all the memories of his time with Koutarou these past few weeks. It’s like they float around his mind without his consent. No matter how hard he tries they won’t go away and it’s been like that since… since he kicked Koutarou out of his house. 

He can’t stop thinking about what happened. He can’t stop thinking about everything that has happened. Shinsuke tries and tries, and even desperately thinks back to the old days when he successfully cancelled Atsumu out of his head during school but he can’t. He thinks back to all his strategies; all the times that he so easily concealed his feelings; all the times that he bit his tongue, shook his head and swallowed back his affection for Atsumu; he thinks and thinks and nothing. 

Nothing works. 

Now that he sits here watching Ushijima and Atsumu interact, watching the person he thought would always hold his heart (even though logically that doesn’t make sense) be comfortable with someone that’s not him; now that all he feels at the moment is a bit of anxiety because his mind is out of control, he finally understands. 

For one, he understands that Atsumu could smile all night and Shinsuke’s heart won’t beat any louder.

Two: he hasn’t heard from Koutarou in a week and his heart might break into pieces if he lets that thought hold any more room in his head. 

Three: Shinsuke’s years of preparation; of anticipating unwanted feelings; of working on solutions for all possible problems; and of using every bit of sense and common knowledge, prove to be useless when it comes to Koutarou.

Somehow, it’s different.

It’s different, he realizes, and then when the question ‘how?' Pops in his head Shinsuke successfully clears his mind at the realization that there is undeniable truths that lie within the unexplored points of his reasoning.

“So, why didja really come?” Osamu asks when the both of them are back in the kitchen, cleaning up the plates they used for the dango. Ushijima and Atsumu are still in the restaurant, though when Shinsuke excused himself to the back he had caught Atsumu glancing at the clock and Ushijima reaching for his coat. 

Shinsuke puts his hands on the sink and lets his head fall as he collects his thoughts. Osamu makes some sort of surprised sound but he doesn’t say anything else as he waits for Shinsuke to speak. Once Shinsuke feels like he will be able to speak without choking, he offers the truth. “I slept with someone.” 

Shinsuke tries not to wince at the bluntness of his own words even though he knows how they will affect Osamu. They shock him into silence, then, when he has stared long enough to figure out if Shinsuke is joking or not, he begins his parade of questions.

“What do you mean— ye just… I’m sorry, what!?”

“And I can’t seem to get him out of my head.” Shinsuke adds, knowing well Osamu believes him so there is no need to rephrase what he said. 

“Him!?” Shinsuke just nods. “Wait, wait, wait.” Osamu puts his hands up, the wild look in his eyes clear enough that Shinsuke thinks he might be on the verge of panicking. “You had a one night stand?”

“I wouldn’t call it that.” Shinsuke ends up saying, his knowledge of one night stands playing in his head. Koutarou isn’t a stranger. “He is my friend.”

“He is yer… friend?” Osamu questions before he goes silent. Shinsuke can almost see the wheels in his head turning. Then; “do I know him?”

Shinsuke hadn’t planned to tell Osamu who it was. In fact, he hadn’t really planned to share this much, but Shinsuke feels like he is stuck between a rock and a hard place. It would be foolish to not get any help, even more foolish to not be honest. “Yes,” Shinsuke admits. “It’s Bokuto Koutarou.”

Osamu is more shocked than before, mouth dropping before his eyes shift and Shinsuke can see him connecting the dots to the situation. He is probably remembering the conversation about the garden and creating his own storyline from then on. 

Shinsuke decides to continue washing the dishes in silence, giving Osamu a moment to collect his thought. Though when he finally speaks, the conversations goes to a place Shinsuke didn’t expect. “Kita, can I ask ya somethin'?”

Shinsuke nods, thinking that perhaps Osamu wants to know how, or why, or maybe he wants to question Shinsuke’s mentality. How did he ever think sleeping with Bokuto would result in anything but a disaster? “Didja ever like Tsumu?”

He was not expecting that. 

Shinsuke stills, unprepared with the emotions that flood in him the moment the question settles in his head. Then, because he was caught off guard by the question he finds himself answering before he can shut his lips closed. “Yes.”

Osamu looks like he is connecting more dots as the silence around them stretches. Shinsuke cleans the sink once he is done with the plates and then closes the tap as he inhales. Osamu hesitates and then meekly, he asks; “When he confessed... did ya…?”

Shinsuke doesn’t want to lie. “Yes.”

Osamu lets the words sink before he asks one more question. “Then… why didja reject him?”

The answer comes to his head immediately and Shinsuke doesn’t hesitate to voice it. “I didn’t want to hold him back.” He admits, “His feelings were…an infatuation. It would have been damaging for the both of us.” 

Shinsuke pauses once the words are out and thinks, what? That’s not…

“What?” 

The voice that echoes his mental question and chills the room isn’t Osamu’s. Shinsuke turns, his heart dropping at the sight of Atsumu’s shaking figure. 

“Infatuation? Infatuation? I—you— what!? You really— how can ya make light of my feelings!?”Atsumu shouts making his way over to Shinsuke. He grabs the front of his shirt and pulls him closer to his face. Shinsuke lets him, his mouth opening and closing at he stares at Atsumu’s angry eyes. “One thing is for ya to not feel the same, for ya to reject me cause ya don’t like me. But another thing entirely is for you to put me aside because ya don’t think I’m capable of taking anything seriously.”

Shinsuke hears the words and thinks it might have been better if Atsumu had just slapped him, that would have hurt much less. Though the way Atsumu’s eyes look down on him with uncontrolled rage might just be a wound Shinsuke will never cure. 

“Do you hold any respect for me?” Atsumu shouts while Osamu is there trying to pull him away, his hands trying to loosen Atsumu’s grip on Shinsuke’s shirt. “Are ya the one who even liked me?”

Shinsuke feels his body go cold.

“Atsumu,” Ushijima’s voice breaks through the numbness in Shinsuke.

He blinks, instantly aware of Atsumu’s ragged breathing while his eyes refuses to leave Shinsuke. Osamu makes one last attempt of pushing his brother away while forcing him to let go of Shinsuke’s shirt, and this time when Shinsuke manages to let out a small sound from his mouth, Atsumu falls back. 

“Sorry.” He says and Shinsuke knows it’s not directed to him. He doesn’t even look his way while Shinsuke continues to try to find the words to say. “Sorry,” he repeats then when his breathing calms he moves closer to Ushijima and says, “we should go.”

Shinsuke has his head down when he hears Ushijima’s small murmur of agreement. “Fuck,” he thinks he hears Osamu curse while the footsteps of the two our loud enough for Shinsuke to know they are leaving without having to see it. 

“Thank you for having us,” Ushijima’s voice echoes before Shinsuke hears the door close behind them.

“Fuck.” Osamu swears again and Shinsuke finds himself agreeing. 

-o-

When he woke up in Koutarou’s arms, naked under the covers and mostly covered in sweat, Shinsuke’s first thought was that they could both probably fit in the shower.

The second thought that followed quickly after the first, like a silent breeze that turned into a tornado taking all the oxygen in his lungs, settled in Shinsuke’s head like the first brick of the tower that was then constructed with every crumb of information Shinsuke fed it every moment after. 

I could have had this with Atsumu. 

Shinsuke’s entire body freezes when those words circle his head with truth he cant deny. It surprises him at first, that he would think such a thing after spending a whole night with Atsumu so far from his head. 

In fact, when was the last time he thought about him and Ushijima? That’s the last time he remembers feeling so affected by Atsumu and even now, as he reflects on it, he realizes he was only ever bothered because it was information that caught him off guard. 

It’s not like Shinsuke needs to know every little thing about Atsumu. It’s just that at that moment Shinsuke had thought himself deserving of a position higher than where Atsumu clearly held him. Shinsuke always believed Atsumu would trust him when it came to his love life and if there was ever anyone Atsumu chose to love once he forgot about Shinsuke, then surely Shinsuke would be the first to know. 

He realizes now how presumptuous that sounds. 

After all, Atsumu never owed him anything. Shinsuke was never someone Atsumu had to answer to beyond their high school volleyball team. Atsumu has never belonged to Shinsuke and vice-versa. 

Shinsuke made sure of that when he rejected Atsumu— when he lied, put aside his feelings, and denied both himself and Atsumu the chance to explore the feelings that had been brewing between them for years. Shinsuke has never regretted that decision. Not when he knows he made the right choice for the both of them.

But right now, as Shinsuke pulls himself away from Koutarou’s warm body, hands shaking, heart accelerating, and throat burning, he thinks he might just regret it. 

Maybe that way he can ignore the thoughts flowing inside him with a clear conscious. 

After all, Shinsuke’s life has taken a full circle and he is now once again facing someone he doesn’t deserve. Someone who doesn’t need him holding him back; a star. An enigma that burns with a fire Shinsuke couldn’t dream of controlling. The banquet is still there, at arms reach, but Shinsuke is once again not invited. He is after all, not a monster. 

Simply put, Shinsuke has no place next to Koutarou. 

That’s the thought circling his head when Koutarou finally opens his eyes. Shinsuke meets gold and the words leave his mouth before he can stop them. ‘You should go.’

Koutarou takes a moment to react. He woke up with a smile on his face but as the words seem to sink his expression changes to something Shinsuke is not used to, forcing him to look away before he begins to swallow in his guilt. 

‘Shin, shouldn’t we talk about this?’

If you do things right, if you follow the correct order, then everything will work out. Because Shinsuke did none of that, his hands curl into fists by his side and his mouth dries as he desperately tries to think of something to say that will end the conversation and send Koutarou as far away from Shinsuke as possible. 

‘I know we probably should have done that earlier but I guess I got a little carried away… talking… we need to talk. Shin, I really like—‘

‘Please,’ Shinsuke had all but begged, ‘please just go.’

Shinsuke’s heart was then pierced by Koutarou’s meek ‘okay’. Shinsuke had watched him dress after he did the same. They shared no other words. Koutarou never again demanding to talk, never again attempting to confess— no, that’s not it. Surely that wasn’t what he had been about to say. 

Why would Koutarou even like him?

-o-

Two weeks before the twin’s birthday Koutarou sends him a picture of his garden, now finally complete and bearing its first sprouts. 

Fifteen minutes later he sends a picture of a tall, messy haired guy wearing a questionable outfit as he seems to be talking in front of a camera, probably making a video. Shinsuke assumes that the guy is probably Kuroo and that the video must be the consequences of losing the bet with Koutarou. 

Shinsuke doesn’t reply to the messages and three hours later, when Koutarou texts him again but this time with a simple ‘thank you’, Shinsuke deletes the conversation entirely. 

He is too much of a coward to block Koutarou’s number but his finger does hover over the button until he falls asleep. 

-o-

One week before the surprise birthday party Shinsuke has a problem with a delivery. There is some miscommunication between him and the bus driver and Shinsuke unfortunately spends the day completely irritated. 

Then, a few hours later, Rintarou sends him a final list of people attending the party and Shinsuke stares at Ushijima’s name for hours, the guilt inside him eating at him as Atsumu’s angry expression is engraved in his head. 

Sometime later that night Koutarou sends him pictures of his growing plants. He tells him in details of how he has been taking care of them and Shinsuke’s guilt multiplies when he realizes later how he managed to forget about Atsumu’s anger and hurt for the two hours he spent staring at the texts Koutarou had sent him.  

-o-

The day before the party, Shinsuke visits the restaurant to finalize some planning with one of Osamu’s workers, well aware that Osamu has the day off. 

He is surprised to find Atsumu there.

Shinsuke falters, stumbling backwards after entering the restaurant and meeting Atsumu’s eyes. Atsumu snorts when he sees him, shaking his head as he stays seated on the stool near the counter. 

Shinsuke won’t deny how appealing the idea of running away felt at the time but even if he wanted to, his feet wouldn’t move. He stood there, staring at Atsumu who had turned back to face the counter and cursed himself for how thick the air felt around him.

‘Someone is always watching,’ Shinsuke remembers his grandmother say, and suddenly feels embarrassed for whoever has to witness his pitiful self. He swallows, gathers whatever courage he can and makes his way forward. 

“I’m sorry.” Shinsuke then says after he sits by a stool next to Atsumu. “Atsumu, I am sorry.”

Atsumu makes a sound that tells Shinsuke he heard him and after that he stays silent as the apology floats in the air.

“Ya know,” Atsumu then starts after the silence has stretched long enough and Shinsuke thinks the words might have finally made sense to Atsumu. “I spent a lot of time thinkin’ I wasn’t enough; thinkin’ I could never be enough.” Shinsuke meets Atsumu’s eyes and realizes he has never seen Atsumu eye colour so clearly, “I mean, how could I ever be enough for Mr. perfect Kita Shinsuke?” 

Shinsuke feels the objection build up from the back of his throat but one look at Atsumu’s steady gaze and Shinsuke swallows it back down. This isn’t about you, something inside Shinsuke whispers and he concedes. 

“But even so…I was so convinced ya liked me back,” Atsumu laughs, a quick and short humourless laugh that pulls at Shinsuke’s heart. “that’s the only reason I confessed. I thought I knew you. I thought I knew what yer words really meant or what yer gestures were suppose to mean, but then…” He breathes in and out. “You rejected me. And that was fine, that was fine because yer Kita and I’m just Atsumu. Of course he could never like me back— that’s what I told myself.”

“Atsumu,” This time Shinsuke tries, the vile feeling fresh in his mouth.

“All this time,” Atsumu quickly interrupts, “I can’t believe you had the same thoughts.”

Shinsuke feels his body numb as the truth is painted so clearly for the both of them to see. It’s truly different, to have your insecurities out in the open like this. It’s a completely different feeling of defeat to look at the cards sprawled on the table and accept the hand he played. 

He rejected Atsumu because of his own shortcomings; because I didn’t deserve him, is what he should have said when Osamu asked. Everything his mind tells him, everything he knows about monsters and banquets and heights he can’t reach— none of that matters when he sees them as excuses. Excuses that don’t amount to anything. Excuses that only serve to cover the truth for as long as Shinsuke wants to live in ignorance's bliss. 

“I don’t care what ya think,” Atsumu tells him, the tone of his voice changing to something with a little more bite. “It wasn’t just infatuation.” Shinsuke doesn't say anything, too caught up in how different Atsumu gaze feels now that Shinsuke’s facade is crumbling around him, “I really did like you.”

“I know.” Shinsuke says because he has always known. Atsumu always put his heart out for anything he valued. He loved deeper than any person Shinsuke knows. He is a fire that no one can put out. Atsumu’s feelings are raw, honest, and powerful. Denying that had always just been easier. 

He belittled him, made light of his feelings and in turn twisted the meaning behind his own feelings. Infatuation, perhaps. Love, perhaps not. Something— definitely. There had been something there and Shinsuke had pushed it away. 

So Shinsuke apologizes. For lying and for making decisions for the both of them. He apologizes for letting his own self-doubt empower his opinion and in turn make light of Atsumu’s stance, thoughts and feelings.

Atsumu watches him, listens, and hums. 

“What’s done is done,” he then sighs, letting his shoulder relax as he finally moves a little closer to Shinsuke with a small smile. “Ya broke my heart and now I’ve found myself a hunk.” Shinsuke, unsurprisingly, doesn’t feel his heart throb at the sound of those words. Instead the snort of amusement leaves his mouth before he can stop it. 

Atsumu grins, teeth almost showing before he looks away, staring at nothing as he speaks. “Ushijima is... infuriating. He makes my blood boil.” He says this all with a smile, his fingers tapping on the table to the melody of the music playing in the background. “He is so painfully honest it’s aggravating,” Atsumu adds, “I never know if I want to punch him or kiss him. Omi thinks i’m crazy.”

“You are,” Shinsuke affirms, assuming Omi to be Kiyoomi who Koutarou calls Omi-Omi. 

Koutarou, he thinks sadly, the smile on his face falling from his face before Shinsuke can stop himself. His shoulders are relaxed and the air no longer feels heavy around him but now that his mind is thinking about him, Shinsuke’s lungs are beginning to long for something other than air. 

“Maybe,” Atsumu states and Shinsuke blinks, Koutarou’s face in his head while he tries to pay attention to what Atsumu is saying. “I think we have that in common,” he then adds and Shinsuke’s almost misses those words, but with what Atsumu says after, he catches it all. “Though fallin’ for Bokkun is a different level of insanity.”

Shinsuke feels like the ground gets stolen from below him. 

“How…?”

Atsumu laughs, “Kita-san, Bokkun’s my best friend.” Right. Right? “I’ve known about his stupid crush for weeks.”

“Weeks…?” Shinsuke utters while his mind tries to make sense of the word ‘crush’ more than that time period. 

“He never shuts up about you. Akaashi and I take turns dealing with rants about you, though I think Tetsu gets the worst of it.” Atsumu laughs, “can’t believe his garden plan worked.” He says offhandedly. 

Atsumu’s voice is like a distant sound though Shinsuke makes sense of all his words. There is a lot of information there. A lot of information that takes him less than a second to evaluate before he has reached a conclusion. Unfortunately, the conclusion takes a lot more to evaluate than the information. After all, Shinsuke doesn’t know how to react to the idea that Koutarou likes him.

Because surely, that’s what it all means right? 

Crush— 

He never shuts up about you— 

Garden plan— 

Koutarou likes him, right? He has feelings for him beyond just sexual attraction. Truthfully, that’s not a hard pill to swallow. It’s the ‘what do I do with this information’ bit that has Shinsuke frozen in place while Atsumu is going on and on about other ways Koutarou has been annoying about him.

It’s then that Shinsuke thinks back to the morning after he allowed himself to indulge his sexual urges and remembers Koutarou’s face. He feels sick. He feels so undeserving. Why had Shinsuke hurt him like this? He didn’t know about his feelings but… but Shinsuke knew about his own. 

He knew it was more than just sexual desire. It was more than just physical attraction. That’s why he was scared. That’s why acknowledging how nice his body fit next to Koutarou’s turned his stomach inside out. 

Ultimately, Shinsuke’s heart was ready to bleed out for him but his mind, like a treacherous dark cloud, would rather strip the feelings from the situation and once again feed Shinsuke of the idea that he is not good enough.

Koutarou is a sun and Shinsuke is no more than a human. Yet. How well did that thought turn out last time? What good did it do Shinsuke to reject Atsumu, belittle his feelings, and claim to be the mature one while the whole time he was the one with artificial feelings? Is he really just going to once again let himself make all the decisions, disregarding how Koutarou will interpret his rejection?

“I spent a lot of time thinkin’ I wasn’t enough; thinkin’ I could never be enough.” Atsumu had said, “I mean, how could I ever be enough for Mr. perfect Kita Shinsuke?” 

If Atsumu, who has an unwavering stance in life, who followed his dreams until he donned the colours of his country, who walks with his head high, who seeps confidence with every word— if he could think all that while being a consuming fire to those around him…then what will Koutarou think? 

He could ask Atsumu for advice, Shinsuke temporary considers. Shinsuke could just ask Atsumu his opinion but—

He doesn’t. Really, he doesn’t need to. For two reasons mainly. 

One. He knows what he needs to do.

Two. Like a ray of sunshine in the midst of the cloudy sky, Koutarou texts him while Atsumu excuses himself to the bathroom, completely unfazed by Shinsuke’s shocked expression as their conversation continued.  

‘If I gave these to miya-square would they like it?’ The text follows up with a picture of identical cactuses, similar to the one Bokuto killed weeks ago. 

Shinsuke blinks at his phone and then instantly feels his heart soar.

-o-

Always do everything right. Always do what you have to. Follow the right order. 

Patience.  

-o-

Shinsuke can’t wait. 

He can’t wait another second. He takes the bus and then he walks before he stands outside the complex. He goes inside and climbs up the stairs because the elevator is too slow. Then he knocks. Once. Twice. Almost a third time before Koutarou is opening the door, a look of mild annoyance and confusion on his face before he makes sense of who is outside. 

“Shinsuke?” He asks, voice light and coated with unsureness.

Shinsuke takes a moment to think of all the time that has passed since he kicked him out of his home. He thinks about all the text messages Koutarou sent him that he never replied to. He thinks about the pictures of his garden and little hey, hi, thank you, Shin? That Koutarou would occasionally send, no matter how many time Shinsuke left him on read. 

He feels stupid and gross and guilty and yet— “Hi,” Shinsuke says, taking in the sight of Koutarou’s messy hair and wrinkled shirt, letting his heart enjoy the comfort his form emits. “Atsumu will probably kill it faster than you managed.” 

The words are out before Shinsuke can stop them. He winces, reprimanding himself for voicing that out first instead of a ‘how are you’ or ‘its been a while’, or ‘I’m sorry, please, I’m sorry.’ Yet he doesn’t take it back because his mouth can’t seem to say any of those things. Not when Koutarou looks at him with gentle eyes even though he seems confused at first before he seems to understand what Shinsuke meant. “Oh, I wasn’t actually…”

“And I fear Osamu might try to eat it.” Shinsuke adds, now noticing his ragged breathing from going up the stairs.

“Right.” Bokuto says, his face relaxing into a fond smile. Shinsuke’s eyes soak in the sight in front of him, his mind trying to pull him away while his heart stay put, selfishly beating to Koutarou’s name.

Honestly, Shinsuke thinks his heart might leave his chest if he just keeps watching. “But I... I like cactuses.”

Silences stretches between them. Shinsuke doesn’t know what to say afterwards. His breathing is finally slowing down and Shinsuke can finally find the strength to stand straight. Just as Koutarou says; “I hear cactus represent unconditional love.”

I think I love you. Shinsuke thinks, conscious enough to know he won’t be saying that out loud any time soon. “They represent maternal love.” He says instead and then realizes he ruined whatever Koutarou was about to say with his observation by the way he pouts.

“It looks like I still have a lot to learn.” Is what Koutarou eventually says, his shoulder relaxing while the uncertainty Shinsuke has been waiting for finally makes itself clear in his eyes. “Shin…”

It’s not unconditional, Shinsuke adds to his earlier thought, and it might actually not be love just yet but… “I need to pick up balloons.” He says before Koutarou can get more words out.

Koutarou blinks, closes his mouth and stares. Then, in slow motion, something seems to register in his eyes and suddenly he is laughing. It’s not a loud laugh but it seems to echo in Shinsuke’s ears as the mood around them changes. “Balloons?” Koutarou asks, “for the party, I assume?”

“Yes.”

“We can do that tomorrow then,” Koutarou says, “together?”

It’s a loaded question. Koutarou knows it and Shinsuke knows it. There is a part of Shinsuke that wants to avoid it. There is also a part in him that wants to reject the offer. But the greater part of him— the part that fuelled his body to move here, the part that pushed aside all his logic, the part that seems to yearn for things Shinsuke never thought he could be ready to give…

That part fears and bares his heart open as he asks; “you want to? With me?”

Shinsuke thinks about a banquet. He pictures seats occupied by monsters that he recognizes, that he has lived amongst, that he has never truly stood beside and then he thinks about every step he takes, calculated, with purpose. 

He thinks about the sun and how beautiful it would be if he just got closer. 

-o-

They pick a mixture of black and gold balloons. 

Koutarou gets a book on how to make different balloon shapes. Three hours before the party Shinsuke decorates what he can while he watches Koutarou, Ushijima and Rintarou destroy a good portion of the balloons while trying to make them dog shaped. Though Rintarou successfully manages to make a heart big enough to put around Akaashi’s head. 

Akaashi flushes but eventually Shinsuke hears him convince Rintarou to teach him how to make one for Osamu. They work together with flushed cheeks while Ushijima and Koutarou stare at them with unimpressed expressions. 

Shinsuke giggles to himself. 

-o-

Shinsuke doesn’t think he is anything special. He is simply built upon the small things he does everyday. On an average day, Shinsuke is just doing what he can. He works diligently, step by step, doing everything right. He doesn’t need to overwork, he doesn’t need to do more than necessary when things are planned out. The right amount of efforts goes a long way. Simply put, Shinsuke doesn’t think he needs to be special.

But sometimes, when he is in Koutarou’s arms, Shinsuke thinks he might be the happiest man in the world. Sometimes, he thinks he is reaching a high no one else can even come close to— not if they don’t try to take his place, which he will never let go of that easily. 

Koutarou pulls out emotions from Shinsuke that he can’t even name. Shinsuke just knows the way those emotions course through his body. He knows well the way they increase his heartbeat; the way they steal all the oxygen from his lungs; the way they turn his bones into jello; the way they force his nerves to adapt to every touch. 

Koutarou likes to disagree. Always engulfing his lips with passion before claiming he is the one that holds the title of the luckiest man. 

Shinsuke is always too dazed to argue back. 

(“I want to do a lot of things with you, Shin.” Koutarou whispers. “Picking balloons won’t satisfy me… is that selfish?”

Shinsuke shakes his head, barely. His eyes are wide in surprise, his hands are almost trembling. “I have a lot to say,” he starts, “but I feel like all my words can be summarized quite easily.” Koutarou watches him and Shinsuke swallows, “I like you— I- I’m sorry.”

“You’re sorry for liking me?”

Shinsuke looks down and chuckles, “no, sorry,” again he swallows before looking back up, “you… you make me do all sorts of things…” he mumbles to himself while Koutarou continues to smile, “I mean. I am sorry. I was rude and inconsiderate and… I was hurtful.”

“Oh.”

“And I like you.”

“Oh.”

“Koutarou—”

While being kissed, Shinsuke feels warm all over. His lips inhale heat more than his body creates by just being held by Koutarou and—

If Koutarou were a sun, Shinsuke thinks, he would probably make sure to never burn me, no matter how high I flew.)