Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It’s a stupid fucking idea, really. Like, a really stupid fucking idea on his therapist’s part. 

Bucky’s face must give away his thoughts because Doctor Banner looks at him with a deadpan stare. And now, Bucky’s been seeing him every week for almost two years and he knows that stare. 

“Doc, I appreciate the help but I really don’t think - ” Bucky starts, licking his lips and Doctor Banner holds up a finger to silence Bucky. 

“James… just - just think about it, yeah?” Bruce sighs, fiddling with his notebook. “I think it would be really, really good for you and help you heal a little quicker. I work very closely with the director of the company, he’s great.”

“With all due respect, it doesn’t even sound remotely medically sound?” Bucky asks, arching an eyebrow. His arms are crossed tightly over his chest and Banner is still giving him the stare . “My husband died, and I was struggling a lot before I met you… I’m getting better now… It’ll just take time for me to get there.”

“You have come on leaps and bounds since I first met you,” Banner agrees, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. “But I think this could help you out and speed up the healing process. It’s not something that I would suggest lightly to you, James.” 

Bucky just nods, rubbing his eyes with his fingers. Banner’s not going to relent, he’s gonna keep at this until Bucky gives in. “Fine. Give me the damned business card then, I will look into this Peter guy. I’m not making any promises, though.”

“I don’t ask for promises, you know that. All I ask is that you look into it,” Banner smiles before he checks his watch. “Time’s up for this week, are you feeling alright to leave?”

Bucky nods again, getting to his feet. “Yeah, yeah. I’ll be fine, same time next week?”

“I’ll see you then,” Bruce says, doing the same and  handing him the business card.

The subway ride home is quick; Bucky barely notices he’s at his stop, his mind is too preoccupied with this week's therapy session.

When Bucky’s back at home, he pulls the card Banner gave him from

his wallet and just stares at it for a little while. The card is a nice design, modern, sleek and straight to the point. Bucky appreciates that. 

What has his life come to that he’s got a fucking opinion on business cards?

Bucky makes a frustrated noise, instinctively looking over to the picture frame on the cabinet. It’s a polaroid of him and Steve on their wedding day, shoving cake into each other's faces. Bucky reckons he’s never been happier than he was that day, and he’ll never be again.

Tears begin to well in Bucky’s eyes and he sniffles, forcing himself to tear his gaze from the photograph. Banner told him that if he gets overwhelmed like this, he’s to let himself feel the emotions, to get it all out. Bottling up is bad.

For a brief second, he thinks about calling Natasha or Clint to come over to take his mind off of this pending breakdown. He ignores that idea, swallowing thickly and letting a few tears fall.

So, that's what he does. He follows the advice that Banner’s given him, the card forgotten as he sobs into his hands, loud and unabashed. He cries for Steve, for his life being cut too short, for their star-crossed love, and lastly, Bucky cries for himself, and everything that he’s lost. 

It’s been almost two years since Steve died and Bucky’s never so much as left their apartment for more than therapy, groceries and the odd trip to the office to help Natasha out. 

When Steve died, Bucky took six months off work and put Natasha in charge of the architectural firm that he and Steve built from the ground up. He’s not really been back since, he works the odd jobs and does consultations but he’s not been back in his full capacity as an engineer. Steve drew the plans and Bucky made them a reality, and the thought of doing that without Steve… hurts. 

More times that not, he takes a trip into the office just to show his face and let everyone know that he’s not a completely depressed hermit. 

Bucky eventually manages to calm his sobs to inhaling long, shaky breaths. His head is heavy, stuffy from crying so hard, and his eyes sting almost painfully every time he blinks. 

Bucky lifts his head, wiping the snot from his nose with the back of his hand. His eyes dart to the other side of the room, to what should be an empty armchair but instead he locks eyes with Alpine, his cat. Her bright, baby blues almost soften towards him and Bucky’s bottom lip starts to quiver again, and Alpine meows softly. 

She jumps from the chair and pads over to Bucky, maneuvering herself between his legs and purring softly. 

“Good girl, ‘Pine,” Bucky smiles sadly, a few stray tears falling from his eyes. He sniffs, wiping them away quickly, as if he was hiding them from the cat. “You want some food, baby girl? Yeah? Some fish?”

Bucky stands, realising that his legs are a little unsteady from his little outburst. He stretches his arms above his head and yawns, ignoring the trembling in his extremities. 

He leans down to pick up both of Alpine’s bowls, rinsing them out at the sink before he puts a little bit of tuna in the bowl, and then opens a pouch of wet food, squeezing in half. Alpine jumps up onto the counter and sits expectantly, waiting for Bucky to give her the go ahead. 

“You’re not allowed on the worktops, you know that,” Bucky coos, leaning over to pet her head gently. “You want some milk too?

Alpine just blinks at him, tail swaying behind her slowly. “I’ll take that as a yes, but only a little bit, alright?”

Bucky turns around to the refrigerator, taking out the carton of milk to pour some into her second bowl. Alpine inches closer to her food, but still waiting for Bucky to let her. 

“Go on then,” he smiles, scratching her behind the ear. “Good girl, Alpine.”

Banner had suggested a pet as a companion for Bucky, something to nurture and look after to distract him and the day Banner said that, Bucky left the office and on the way back to the apartment, he’d heard soft meowing from an alleyway. 

And there she was, huddled in a dirty old box shivering in the rain, half the size she is now. Bucky’s a bleeding heart and he blames Steve entirely for it, so obviously he picked her little wet self up and looked her over. 

Her big, baby blue eyes were far too familiar not to tuck her into his bomber jacket and take her home. And ever since, Bucky’s been a crazy cat dad.

Bucky finds Peter’s card again a few hours later and decides to google the workshop. He reads through all of the FAQs; it explains that it’s strictly non-sexual touch and you must wear at least one layer of clothing on top of your underwear. It also says you can pick your own level of touch, and you don’t need to touch anyone you are uncomfortable with. 

All in all, it doesn’t look terrible but Bucky is still struggling to put logic behind it. It doesn’t seem medically accurate but, who’s he to judge Banner’s methods? He’s never steered him in the wrong direction.

Before he can even think twice about calling to ask about coming along, the line is already trilling loud in his ear. A bead of sweat gathers on his forehead while he waits for someone to pick up. 

“Good Evening, it’s Peter from Cuddlehouse Workshops here, how can I help you?” a chirpy voice answers and Bucky wasn’t expecting the boy to sound so young and… happy? 

“H - hi, uh, sorry to bother you so late… my name is Bucky Barnes and Doctor Banner gave me your card,” Bucky stammers, rubbing his temple with the other hand. This is stupid.

“Oh no, don’t worry,  you’re not bothering me!” Peter laughs brightly. “Doctor Banner is a good friend of mine, would you like to get booked in for a session?” 

The kid on the other end sounds far too young to be friends with Banner, but that’s none of his business, really. “Uh, yeah. If I could…”

“Cool! Let me just grab my diary, give me two seconds,” Peter says and Bucky hears rustling on the other end, as if he’s flicking through paper or something. “Okay, I have a space tomorrow at… 3:30pm?”

“Oh, I, uh, didn’t realise it would be so soon…” Bucky trails, scratching the back of his neck. 

“We can reschedule?” There’s more rustling before Peter begins to speak again. “I have the same time but two weeks on Saturday?”

Bucky quickly weighs up his options. If he waits too long, like almost three weeks, he will never go and do it. He knows he won't and he doesn’t have Steve to talk him into doing the thing. So, he sucks it up, like Steve would have wanted, and decides to take the space for the following day.  

Peter puts his name in the diary, explaining that he’ll get a text in an hour or so with the address and everything he needs to know about the workshop. 

“Okay cool, that’s you all set. We will see you tomorrow at 3:30pm, Mr Barnes,” Peter says happily. 

“That’s great… thank you so much for your help,” Bucky says, sincerely. “Goodnight.”

Bucky hangs up the phone and blinks at it in his hand. What the fuck has he gotten himself into?

Chapter Text

As promised, Peter texts Bucky all of the details and the rules for the workshop. And fortunately, the studio where they did the workshops is within walking distance to his apartment! 

Half an hour before his appointment, Bucky cannot think of anything to wear. Peter had said something comfortable and loose fitting was best to add to the easy feeling, but wearing sweats and one of Steve’s old band shirts feels a little like he’s too underdressed. 

He’s currently in his boxers and has been staring into his closet for about fifteen minutes, trying to figure out his outfit. He briefly contemplates texting Peter back and asking, are sweats too casual? He talks himself out of it because that would be weird as fuck.

Bucky makes a frustrated noise and picks out a pair of jeans, they’re not his best pair so it’s less dressy... or so he tries to tell himself. He does, however, pick out Steve’s old ratty Fleetwood Mac shirt because he needs something to ground him, and even though Steve’s not physically here to do that anymore, wearing his clothes is sometimes enough to get him out of his head. 

He pulls on his clothes, wrapping his arms around himself and takes a deep breath. Somewhere in the corners of his mind, he’s sure he can still smell Steve on it.

He can do this. He can and he will . Steve’s with him, by his side. 

“I’ll be back soon,” Bucky smiles to Alpine as he grabs his keys from the bowl by the front door. “Do not scratch up the place.”

Alpine purrs, turning on her heel and ignoring him to go lay in the sun streaming in from the windowpane. 

“Typical,” Bucky mutters as he opens the front door. 

The whole ten minute walk to the studio, Bucky’s trembling, his chest tightening uncomfortably around his ribcage. He tries to shake it off, calm himself down because this isn’t something bad or something to be afraid of, this is something good and something to welcome. 

He tries to repeat more of the affirmations that Banner had taught him for dealing with anxiety but it was no use, Bucky’s breath was coming in quick short pants by the time he made it to the front of the studio. 

Bucky takes a deep breath, as deep as he can manage, and shakes his head to try and clear his thoughts. His fingers desperately fiddle with the hem of Steve’s shirt, he thumbs over the soft fabric and remembers the last time Steve wore it before he died...

It was a calm Sunday and Bucky was making breakfast, while Steve was sat crossed legged at the dining table, glasses perched on the tip of his nose as he tried to fill in the crossword from the newspaper. 

He was far too big, too bulky to be sitting as if he was still a little slight thing from his teenage years. But somehow like everything else, Steve made it work. Bucky remembers that he’s never been so in love. 

The shirt however, was hanging off his shoulder, showing off a perfectly taut collarbone and just a peak of black tattoo lines visible.

“Ten along, building blocks of proteins, it’s two words…” Steve murmured, looking up and Bucky’s heart clenches at the way he remembers how the blonde bangs fell across Steve’s eyes as he looked over to Bucky, throwing Bucky a soft smile, lips upturning at the corners and Bucky feels his lip beginning to tremble at the memory. “I’m drawing a complete blank, Buck.”

Steve scratched his head with the pen, blinking across the room at Bucky.

And Bucky had laughed, leaning against the lip of the counter. “It’s amino acids, love.”

“You’re the smartest person I know,” Steve cooed as he got up to wrap his arms around Bucky’s waist and press a wet kiss to his neck. Bucky remembers shivering, wanting to stay in that moment, that Sunday forever. “You’re the love of my life, Buck.”

The memory makes Bucky’s chest ache in the worst possible way, and fuck he misses Steve. He feels fresh tears gather in his eyes but he pushes them back, biting his bottom lip between his teeth to stop it from trembling so badly. 

Bucky rubs the heels of his palms into his eyes and sniffs, clearing his throat. 

“Hey!” a happy  voice calls across the street and Bucky startles, looking like a deer caught in headlights while the person jogs up to him. “Are you Bucky?”

Bucky just nods as he takes in the other man… boy’s? appearance; he’s young, shorter than him by a good four or five inches, with an adorable dusting of light brown freckles across his nose, and unruly, tawny curls that look very soft.

“I’m Peter! We spoke on the phone last night?” The boy, Peter , smiles. “You’re a little early but that’s alright, you can come in and have a look around before everyone else shows up!”

Bucky just nods again, not trusting his voice. Peter takes no mind to his silence, instead opens the door to the studio and steps aside to let Bucky in first. It’s a large, spacious room with bean bags scattered around the floor, and Bucky’s heart rate spikes at the thought of  having to cuddle another human being today.

“Are you alright?” Peter asks gently, eyes softening. “You seem a little… uh, tense?”

“Yeah, sorry, I… it’s, yeah,” Bucky murmurs, avoiding any and all eye contact with Peter. “Sorry.”

“We have another fifteen minutes or so before the rest of the group arrives, do you want to sit and chat? I have a little questionnaire to gauge how we proceed with your first workshop,” Peter offers with a kind smile and Bucky relaxes a little. “And don’t be sorry, your first time is always intimidating.”

Bucky’s known Peter all of five minutes and the kid just seems to just radiate calm, reassuring energy. Bucky feels like he can trust him immediately, it’s a completely new and strange feeling.

“I’m sor - I mean, uh, this is all really new to me,” Bucky breathes, his fingers are still gripping the black fabric of his shirt. “I’m not sure what I expected, Doctor Banner suggested trying this and I didn’t really do much research.”

“That’s alright, it can be a little overwhelming at first but we can ease you into it, as quick or as slow as you’d like,” Peter reassures and Bucky believes him. “Would you like anything to drink? Water, tea, coffee?”

Bucky licks his lips, and yeah, his mouth is really dry from breathing so harshly earlier. “A water would be great, thanks.”

Peter is more than happy to oblige, he disappears behind a door that’s behind him, only to return a few moments later with a bottle of water and a stack of papers. Bucky takes the bottle from Peter’s outstretched hand, thanking him again. 

“Okay, come and sit with me on the couch over there and we can go through the questionnaire together, yeah?” Peter suggests, leading him to a pair of couches hidden on the other side of the room. 

Bucky sits, he can feel his posture is rigid and his heart starting to beat out of his chest again, he can even hear it in his ears. 

“Do you wanna let me know what’s brought you here? You don’t need to go into detail if you don’t want to, as little or as much as you want,” Peter explains. “I’m not here to judge either, I’m here to help.”

“My uh, my husband died, almost two years ago,” Bucky says, as quickly as he can before clearing his throat and taking a drink of water. He’s not looking at Peter, he’s staring right past him. “I haven’t… touched anyone since he died. I just didn’t want to in the beginning? I was scared that I’d lose the last time I touched Steve, does that make sense? And now I’m just scared...”

“It does and I understand,” Peter nods, Bucky can tell by the way Peter’s looking at him, he wants to say so much more but is holding back. “So, what changed? What made you want to seek out touch again?”

“Doctor Banner thinks it's time, and I do too because… it’s not - normal? I haven’t so much hugged another person in two years,” Bucky sighs. “I refused to be touched at the funeral, relatives and friends tried to hug me and I just… couldn’t. My best friend, Natasha, she uh, she had to gently explain to people…”

“Okay, I want you to know that your feelings are completely valid and normal,” Peter explains, shuffling the papers on his knee. “I think that we should take this slow, very slow.”

Bucky nods, grip on his shirt loosening for the first time since he left the apartment. “That sounds - yeah, good.”

“That’s great. So today, I want you to just observe the workshop. Meet some people, if you’re up for it,” Peter explains, leaning his elbows on his knees. “Is that alright?”

“Yeah, that would be alright, I think.” Bucky feels his posture visibly relax against the couch and Peter smiles. 

“I’m gonna draw you up an action plan for the workshops,” Peter says, fiddling with a pen between his fingers. “We can review the plan before every workshop to see where you’re at.”

Bucky agrees and knowing that he was able to have input in his healing, helped him calm down a lot, he wasn’t being thrown in completely like he thought he was going to be. He had time to assess and adjust at his own pace… maybe Banner isn’t all bad after all. 

“Feeling alright? Any questions, worries, etc.?” Peter asks, his eyes are big and seem to be genuinely interested in what he’s saying. 

“Feeling… surprisingly optimistic.” Bucky wants to laugh at the absurdity of the situation, but he doesn’t.

Soon after their talk, other people started showing up and Peter greeted them all excitedly while they took a seat on the beanbags.

Bucky notes that everyone reacts to Peter the same. Every pair of eyes lit up when they hugged him, bright smiles on their faces, and it was clear that they were all completely enamoured by the boy.  

Once everyone arrives, Peter takes his place at the head of the circle, and welcoming everyone back to the group.

“So, we have a new member joining us today. His name is Bucky, he will be observing the workshop and won’t be participating with any activities this afternoon,” Peter explains, looking toward Bucky and everyone else turns their heads too. 

“Hi, I’m Bucky,” he says awkwardly, wrapping his fingers in the fabric of his shirt once again. 

“I know all of you will but just in case, please be mindful that Bucky isn’t used to us and how we do things, so please make sure that you are cautious of his boundaries,” Peter continues, his voice more serious than Bucky’s heard. “Do not touch him without asking him if he’s comfortable, this even

goes for a handshake, alright?” 

Bucky watches everyone nod along with Peter’s words, and it kind of warms his heart that these strangers are so willing to be so careful with him.

The time goes quickly, a lot quicker than Bucky thought it would. And shockingly, he actually enjoys being there, it’s easy to see how so many people enjoy cuddling with a stranger or a non-stranger in most of the cases here. There seems to be a real connection with each member and understanding how the others felt.

Just before the end of the group, a few people came up to Bucky to introduce themselves and say hello, no one pushed him to talk about why he was there or even asked any invasive questions, and they even said they hoped that he would enjoy his time at Cuddlehouse! 

Okay, so maybe this whole cuddling workshop wouldn't be so bad after all.

Chapter Text

“So, did you speak to my friend, Peter?” Bruce asks as soon as Bucky sits his ass down on the stupid little couch. His voice is smug, all knowing, and Bucky rolls his eyes so hard that he thinks he’s dislodged a contact. 

“Yeah, Doc, I did. I went to one of the workshops last Wednesday. How did you know?” Bucky grinds out.

Banner laughs and shakes his head. “You enjoyed it didn’t you?”

Bucky huffs, crossing his arms over his chest and looking at the picture frame on Banner’s desk. “Maybe.”

“Why are you so annoyed that I was right about it?” Bruce laughs again, more heartily, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose.

“ Because , I didn’t want you to be right,” Bucky sighs, digging his fingers into each bicep. “It was actually very enlightening and the kid seems good at what he does.”  

“Oh, I know that, James. I just wanted to actually hear you admit it,” Banner grins, big and toothy, he’s enjoying it too much and Bucky wants to groan in frustration. “How did you find it?”

He knows it’s all banter with Banner, he’s not actually as egotistical as he’s coming off… Okay maybe a little, but Bucky knows it’s coming from a place of goodwill. It’s one of the reasons Bucky stuck it out with him in the beginning, if he hadn’t had such a weird sense of humour that matched Bucky’s, therapy would not nearly be as effective as it is. 

“You’re a bastard,” Bucky says, looking up through his lashes and straight into Banner’s eyes but he just looks so pleased with himself and it drives Bucky loopy. “It was fine, we decided that I wouldn’t participate that week. The kid drew me up an action plan and everything.”

“You keep calling him kid, you know he’s like twenty eight, right?” Banner raises an eyebrow. “Only what, three or four years younger than you?”

“He looks about twelve, Doc,” Bucky says with another huff. “I think it'll be good for me, and I like that he’s not forcing me to participate.”

“Good, I’m glad,” Banner smiles, ignoring the comment about Peter’s looks. “And I think it’ll be good for you, too. Apart from the workshop, how have things been this week?”

“I - I had a moment,” Bucky clears his throat and his gaze shifts downwards to the floor. “After our last session, I saw the picture of Steve and I on our wedding day… and I just… broke down. But I didn’t try to stop it this time, I let it happen. I just miss him so much.”

“And how did you feel after?” Banner asks and Bucky ignores that he’s writing down notes. 

“Better. I - I fed Alpine and took a shower, I did feel a lot better. It was that night I called Peter to book the workshop,” Bucky sniffs, he won’t cry. He won’t. “You were right again, it did help just letting it out.”

“You see how much you’re progressing? A “moment” like that a few months ago, it would’ve had you on your ass for weeks, right?” Banner points out and yeah, he’s right. Bucky would have shut down completely and hid himself away. “But you had it and you cleared your head and you did something that you wouldn’t normally do, pushing your boundaries at your own pace.”

“I - I guess, I never thought about it like that,” Bucky swallows the lump in his throat. “You’re right, I didn’t let it deter me. And Peter gave me either the next day or like, three weeks from then and I knew that if I booked the later workshop, I wouldn’t have gone to it.”

“I’m very proud of you, you know,” Banner says and it’s the most genuine the guy’s sounded this whole session and Bucky bites his lip, he is not going to cry. “It takes a lot to do what you did last week and I’m glad to see you pushing back in a healthy way.”

“Thanks Doc,” Bucky whispers, looking straight past Banner. 

A few minutes tick by without a word as Banner writes down some more notes, and Bucky wants the couch to swallow him whole. He hates silence in therapy, he feels like he should say something… anything. 

“How have the nightmares been this week?” Banner asks, adjusting his posture. 

Bucky thinks for a moment, not saying anything as he tries to recall his last dream about that night. “I haven’t - I haven’t had any bad ones. I’ve dreamt about that night and I keep waking up but it’s not - not like before.”

Banner nods along with his words. “That’s great. Do you need a refill of your medications?”

Bucky nods. “I only have a week left.”

“I’ll do another prescription,” Banner says, scribbling on his prescription pad. “Do you have any other plans for this week, other than the workshop?”

“I think I might invite Natasha over for takeout tonight, I haven’t been into the office for a few months so,” Bucky unclenches his fingers and scratches the back of his neck. “I don’t remember the last time I saw her.”

“I think that’s a great idea,” Banner grins over at him, checking his watch. “Alrighty, you’re free to go. Same time next week?”

“Yes, sir,” Bucky says as he rises to his feet and heads to the door. “Thank you.”

Bucky does in fact call Natasha on his way back to his apartment, and she offers to pick up the food from Bucky’s favourite Thai place. 

Natasha has been… for lack of a better word, a godsend since Steve died. She's never pushed Bucky to talk about his feelings, never pushed him to come into work when they were slammed, never pushed him to mourn his lover’s death quicker. And she was always, always, there any hour and all hours of the day for Bucky during his darkest days.

And most importantly, Natasha never judged him. Natasha didn’t care if Bucky hadn’t showered for three days, or brushed his teeth for two or even washed a single dish that week. 

She’d washed Bucky’s almost matted hair as he hung his head over the bathtub and cried like a baby because he felt disgusting , she’d sat Bucky down on the toilet lid after it and brushed his teeth for him and then washed all of the dirty dishes piled up in the sink. On more than one occasion.

Bucky truly owed her his life, he doesn’t think he would have made it through the past two years without her.

As Bucky approaches his apartment, he notices Natasha’s car is already sitting parked outside the building and Bucky can’t help the smile that spreads across his face. 

“Hey, Buckaroo!” Natasha shouts from the rolled down passenger window, holding up a bag of food. “I got the goods and a bottle of fancy red!”

“I hope you got extra egg rolls,” Bucky yells back.

“How long have I known you, man?” Natasha grins. “Of course I did, veggie and chicken.”

“Ahh, you’re the best,” Bucky sighs dreamily, his mouth already watering at the thought.

Bucky opens the driver’s door for Natasha, helping with the food and wine while she slips out onto the street. She smooths out her dress and runs a hand through her perfectly styled hair.

“How is that little shit, Alpine, doing?” Natasha asks as they enter the revolving door of the apartment building. “Still causing trouble?”

“She’s doing great, super healthy, and scratching up the place,” Bucky laughs as they get into the elevator. 

“Alpine is the only creature in the world that’s able to match my chaotic energy,” Natasha says, a hint of trouble in her voice as she presses the button for the 7th floor.

“I mean, you’re not wrong,” Bucky laughs and it's genuine. “Kindred spirits, the two of you, I swear.”

The ride up to Bucky’s apartment is kinda awkward because he hasn’t seen Natasha in so long, but it’s Natasha and it doesn’t phase her, she rocks back and forth on the balls of her feet. 

Bucky slots the key in the lock and mentally prepares himself for whatever mess Alpine has gotten herself into, he slowly opens the door and looks around. Not a single cat hair was out of place, and Bucky let out a breath he was holding.

Natasha pushes past to get inside, murmuring that the food is getting cold, and makes a beeline to the kitchen to set the table. Bucky welcomes the fact she makes herself at home, he stares at her and she raises an eyebrow in a silent question when she turns back to him.

They sit on opposite sides of the dining table and it’s weird , very weird to have someone sitting across from him again but it’s fine... It’s nice. Nice to have a friend nearby.  

“So, I was a little shocked that you text for dinner. Not that I’m complaining,” Natasha starts, biting into a chilli sauce covered egg roll, her red lipstick leaving an imprint on the batter. “It’s just unlike you, is there something wrong? Anything you want to talk about?”

“No, no nothing like that. I just… Missed you? I guess, and I was uh, talking to Doctor Banner and I’ve been making a lot of progress at therapy recently,” Bucky starts, feeling a wave of heat crawl up his neck, suddenly a little embarrassed. 

“Well, color me flattered, Buck,” Natasha smiles so wide it reaches her eyes, they crinkle at the sides and fuck, Bucky really has missed his friend. “I’m glad to hear it. You seem much… brighter, happier even.”

“I started this workshop too… Just last week, it’s, it’s kinda weird but Banner and I think it’ll be great for me,” Bucky looks down, pushing his food around on his plate. “I guess I just wanted to let you know that I think I'm finally on the road to being better.”

“Tell me about this workshop thing then,” Natasha gestures for him to continue. “C’mon, don’t leave a gal hangin’.”

“It kinda sounds like a cult and not at all believable but - I changed my mind when I went and saw it for myself, so bare with me alright?” Bucky says shyly.

Natasha doesn’t say anything else, he just looks at him expectantly and motions for him to continue talking. 

“It’s a - it’s called a cuddle workshop, it’s to help with my thing with physical touch…” Fuck , Bucky’s embarrassed to be admitting this.

“And you think it’ll help with you being able to, at the very least, shake someone's hand again?” Natasha asks, setting down her fork and leaning her chin in the palms of her dainty little hands, giving Bucky her complete attention. 

Bucky doesn’t look up, instead he just agrees gently and whispers a barely audible. “ Yeah .”

“If it helps, it helps, who am I to judge?” Natasha asks, raising an eyebrow. “I just want you to heal, Bucky. And whatever it takes to get you there is fine by me and it would have been the same for Steve, too.”

Bucky swallows thickly, nodding as he tries to blink away the tears gathering in his eyes. “Thanks, man.” 

“You are so fucking strong , Bucky, so strong. What you’ve been through… what you’ve survived ?” Natasha says, starting to reach for his hand over the table to cover Bucky’s but stops herself, drawing back and it breaks Bucky’s heart. “I’m really happy for you, pal. Truly, you seem a lot more like yourself.”

After dinner, Natasha stays for another few hours to finish off the bottle of red. It was so nice to hang out with a friend. Bucky had forgotten what it was like to socialise with, well, anyone. 

Bucky’s tipsy when Natasha leaves, not drunk by any means but definitely not sober. The feeling is warm, comforting almost, and he wants to laugh because it’s as if he’s floating on a cloud. It’s been a long time since Bucky’s had a sip of alcohol, and red’s always went straight to his head like this.

When he says goodnight to the picture of Steve on his bedside dresser, instead of wanting to cry, he smiles and kisses his fore and  middle fingers, pressing them to Steve’s picture, his very own goodnight kiss.

“I love you and I miss you, Stevie,” Bucky whispers, climbing under the duvet. “I hope you’re proud of me too, wherever you are. Sleep well, my love.”

Chapter Text

After dinner with Natasha, Bucky spends the next few days working on new restaurant plans for a client at the firm. It’s good to steadily throw himself into his work again, and he even manages to patch himself in on a video conference with Nat and the clients! 

Bucky even wore a suit and tie. Banner is going to lose his fucking shit on Tuesday. 

The night before his next workshop, Peter texts him. 

Peter Parker 18:30

Hey Bucky! Hope you’re well, just wanted to check that you’re still on for tomorrow and you’re okay coming in a little bit earlier so we can go over your plan? Thanks! Peter :-) 

Bucky can’t help the smile as he types out his reply, the kid is ridiculously happy. All the time . 

Bucky Barnes 18:32:

Hi Peter. Yes that’s fine. I will be there around 20mins early? Is that ok? Also, are jeans ok? I know it says loose casual on the website.

Peter Parker 18:35:

That’s great! And yes, if that's what you’re comfortable in, that’s fine! I will see you tomorrow at 3:10pm!  :-)

Bucky Barnes 18:37

Excellent, 3:10 it is. 

The next morning, Bucky pulls on his clothes; The same jeans as the week before and another of Steve’s shirts, this time it’s his Boston Red Sox jersey that’s again, slightly too big for the two of them. He sprays it once with Steve's cologne, for good luck, he thinks, and then I miss you.

It prompts him to press another kiss to Steve’s picture, murmuring that he loves him before he heads out the door.

It’s sunny and the spring air is fresh, crisp and Bucky reckons it’s gonna be a good day. He’s feeling a lot more confident this time around, and he hopes this feeling long continues because he is getting used to feeling this good. 

Peter’s already inside the studio when he arrives, pottering around and fluffing the beanbags. Bucky doesn’t think twice before knocking gently on the door and letting himself inside, Peter turns and his whole face lights up as he waves at him. 

“Hey, Bucky!” Peter says excitedly. “How are you doing?”

“Uh, pretty okay, actually,” Bucky says honestly. “Definitely feel a pep in my step I haven’t had for a long time.”

“Yeah, you look good!” Peter grins and then he freezes, a deer caught in headlights as he realises what he’s just said. “I mean - I meant - you look… a lot better, not that you looked bad last week… I - shit .”

Bucky can’t help the snort of laughter that escapes him at the other boy’s words. “It’s okay, Pete. I knew what you meant.”

Peter visibly relaxes at his words and lets out a breath he was holding, there’s a pink flush crawling its way up his neck. “Aw - awesome, okay. Let’s go over the plan for today, huh?”

He guides Bucky back over to the couches from last week, the paperwork is already sitting on the coffee table. 

Suddenly, Bucky’s palms are starting to feel a little bit sweatier and his heart feels like it's beating a little faster. Fuck this anxiety shit . 

Peter reads over the paperwork and looks back over to Bucky. “So, we’re going to start you with a handshake today, yeah?”  

And god, this sounds so fucking ridiculous. Ridiculous that he’s going to have to be taught how to shake someone's hand again. But he nods along with Peter’s words anyway, this is going to help, it will be worth it , he thinks, he hopes. 

“How are you feeling about it? You seem kind of anxious now we’re sitting down and talking about it,” Peter asks gently. “And that’s normal, I mean, it’s completely normal to feel anxious or apprehensive.”

“I feel stupid,” Bucky blurts out, without thinking. 

“Why?” Peter questions, just as gentle.

“I’m - I’m thirty two… I should be able to shake someone's hand, you know?”  Bucky explains with a sigh. “Like, I feel almost guilty or ashamed, or something because I can’t.”

“That’s completely valid, but I need you to know that this is nothing to feel guilty about or ashamed of,” Peter says softly. “I think I’ll pair you up with Sam, is that alright? You guys spoke last week.”

Bucky agrees, he remembers Sam. His easy going, gap toothed grin wasn’t something that was easy to forget. The other man definitely seems nice, like he and Bucky would get along well. 

“Sam is great, he counsels veterans, too, so he gets a lot of things more than most,” Peter explains. “He’s been a great help here.”

“Oh, Sam didn’t mention that when we spoke last week,” Bucky says, brows furrowing. It does make sense. “So, uh, so, do I stay here or do I sit on the beanbags or?” 

Bucky immediately reaches for the hem of Steve’s jersey. Peter’s eyes flick down to his hands, for a split second and then flick back up to Bucky. “Do you want to sit with the rest of us?” 

Bucky shrugs. “I - I don’t… I’m not sure.”

“That’s okay, why don’t you sit here for now and I’ll send Sam over to join you when he’s here?” Peter suggests, his eyes are kind, understanding, and Bucky tries to squash the word pitying that pops up. 

“Can you - I mean, would it be okay if -” Bucky stammers, avoiding eye contact, he grips the cotton between his fingers tight enough he thinks he might rip it. 

Peter is quiet. “Yeah?”

“No - it’s fine, nevermind it’s… it’s fine,” Bucky sighs, forcing himself to loosen his grip before it actually does ruin Steve’s shirt. “It’s stupid.”

Peter arches an eyebrow, not quite believing him. He hums for a few moments, and Bucky can see the cogs turning in his brain while he thinks of something to say. “Do you want me to stay with you while you work with Sam?” 

Bucky’s mouth runs dry because how did this fucking kid know what he was thinking? 

There’s a beat of silence after that and Bucky can’t bring himself to say the words, to say the truth, yes please, I’m scared to be with new people and even though I’ve met you exactly once before, your presence is calming and I kind of trust you to keep me safe here, and to keep this workshop a safe space for me .

Bucky can’t meet Peter’s eyes, he can’t even imagine what he’s thinking, how weird he must think Bucky is. His ears are on fire and he wants nothing more than the world to open up and swallow him whole, him and his god damned mouth . 

What he would give to just erase his entire existence because that would be easier than having to deal with this kind of fucking embrassment he’s putting himself through.   

“I can see the inner turmoil on your face, Buck,” Peter sighs, but there’s an amused glint sparkling in his doe eyes. “I’ll need to get the ‘shop started first, though. Is that alright?”

Bucky ducks his head and gets a noseful of Steve’s cologne, he can barely keep eye contact with Peter for more than a few seconds before he has to  look away.  

Thankfully, his embarrassment is lessened because the door opens and the other attendees start to flock in a few at a time, and Peter has something else to focus on. 

Bucky stays put on the couch, he keeps staring down, watching his feet shuffle backwards and forwards on the carpet underneath him.

Everything is burning from his neck right to the very tips of his ears as he hears someone call his name from across the room, he dares look up only then. 

It’s Sam, of course it is. The other man’s grinning from ear to ear as he smiles and Bucky can’t help but give his best awkward smile and an even worse wave back.

And then, Sam’s walking over to him and Bucky begins to panic , he’s a deer stuck in headlights as he approaches. His body language is open and friendly, he sits opposite Bucky just where Peter was sitting.

“Hey man!” he greets, his arm flinches to outstretch and presumably to offer a handshake but he must remember and drops it back by his side. “I think Pete wanted us to partner up today?”

Bucky nods, swallowing thickly. He moves his fingers from the shirt he’s wearing and digs his fingernails into his jeans, trying to ground himself. Sam’s eyes move down to his thighs, he says nothing though, smile doesn't even falter. 

“S - sorry, I’m uh, a little anxious,” Bucky explains, his words are tight and his throat feels scratchy. “Sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Sam says easily, shaking his head. “So, I wanna ask but I know it’s not socially acceptable.”

His bluntness makes Bucky choke on a laugh, he actually does laugh a little in shock. “My husband died, a few years ago. I haven’t… had any physical contact since then? I just don’t want to touch people.”

“That’s understandable,” Sam nods along, rubbing his hands on his thighs. “I used to do pararescue for the airforce, I lost my wingman, Riley.”

“Oh wow, I’m - I’m sorry for your loss,” Bucky says gently, gulping before trying to talk about Steve. “Steve was - we were… It was just very sudden.”

“Nah man, don’t stress. You’re not ready to talk about it, that’s cool,” Sam smiles, he reaches to comfort Bucky again but quickly remembers. 

Thankfully, Peter comes over and sits next to Bucky, leaving enough space between the both of them that Bucky can scoot away if need be. And Bucky appreciates that so much, that the kid judged it correctly. 

Sam let’s Peter know that they’ve spoken about why they are both here at Cuddlehouse, Peter can’t hide the excitement on his face and Bucky thinks the younger is a little too optimistic.

“Alrighty Bucky, I want you to out stretch your hand, you too Sam but don’t touch yet,” Peter instructs, shifting to the edge of the couch. 

Bucky does as he’s told and outstretches his hand. It feels stupid, but he trusts Peter. Sam’s got his hand held out too, he’s watching Bucky closely as if he’s trying to get a read on him. 

“Bucky, can you move forward and slot your hand with Sam’s? You don’t need to shake yet, just slot them together,” Peter’s eyes flick towards him, another person reading his face.

There’s beads of sweat gathering on his brow, he can feel them. Bucky takes a deep breath and holds, his lungs hurt. That’s new. Bucky shuffles forward, his fingers almost bump Sam’s and his heart stutters, stomach whirling like a laundry machine.

“I - I can’t…” Bucky breathes, letting out the breath he was holding. 

“You can,” Sam encourages, a little stiffer than Peter would. “Do you want me to initiate?”

“I don’t know,” Bucky whispers. He notes his hand is trembling in the air now and he wants nothing more than to shove his hands back in his pockets and leave. “I don’t think so.”

“That’s okay,” Sam whispers back. “Take your time.”

“You’re fine, Buck,” Peter says. “Sam’s right, take your time. We’re right here.”

Bucky swallows thickly, blinking back the tears gathering in his eyes. He can do this, he can and he will. Bucky chants it like a mantra in his head, it’s one of his favourite “Banner’s Spectacular Affirmations”. He ducks his head, sniffing in an inhale of Steve once again. 

He can do this and he will.

Chapter Text

So, Bucky didn’t do it and he couldn’t do it. 

And that’s okay, Peter’s very understanding and Sam’s a little pushy, which isn’t the worst thing in the world but it wasn’t quite what he needs right now.

Now, Peter’s walking him home because obviously he started crying when he couldn’t bring himself to touch Sam’s hand. 

“I don’t want you to get all down on yourself,” Peter says nonchalantly, pulling his bag strap closer to his body. “This was never going to be easy, and you said you’ve been doing so well… I don’t want you to lose that momentum because we didn’t get the outcome we wanted today, okay?”

“I understand,” Bucky smiles sadly, he’s gutted. Absolutely gutted he couldn’t do it. “Rome wasn’t built in a night, right?”

The rest of the walk is quietish, Peter talks about some computer he’s building and seems incredibly excited about it. Bucky doesn’t say much, he’s just happy to listen to someone, other than his own voice. 

“Sorry, I must be boring you,” Peter blushes and ducks his head. “I just… really like computer stuff.”

“No, not at all. I’m actually quite interested in what you’re talking about, I’m actually an architectural engineer,” Bucky smiles down at him. “Steve - he, uh, drew the plans and I took them from blue prints and drawings to actual real life buildings. Never built my own computer, though.” 

“Oh, wow! That’s so cool!” Peter says, he sounds a little shocked and genuinely interested. “How has work been with all of this?”

Bucky scratches the back of his neck. “Uhm, I’m not gonna lie, I haven’t really been involved with the company since... I’m still CEO and stuff but I put our friend Nat in charge while I sort my shit out.”

“Holy shit, you’re the CEO!?” Peter looks up at him with wide eyes. “That’s so frickin’ cool, man. And you’re like, what did you say, thirty two?”

Bucky nods, feeling a blush creep up on his cheeks once more. “Yeah, we’re called Novam Lineam.”

“That’s uh, new line in Latin, right?” Peter breathes out, looking up at Bucky with wide eyes. “That’s… that’s really cool.”

“So, you know Latin, too? Anything you can’t do, kid?” Bucky can’t help the chuckle that leaves him as he stops outside of his building. “This is my apartment building.”

“Oh! Awesome!” Peter grins. “Looks like an engineer would live here.”

Bucky smiles again, shaking his head. “Shut up. Do you want to come up for a tea or coffee? As a thank you for making sure I’m alright and walking me home.” 

“That would be great actually, I didn’t have any coffee this morning and I am feeling it,” Peter grimaces. “My sister is still at school so, I have time.”

“I didn’t realise you had a sister?” Bucky says as he takes them through the doors. “Also, are you okay with cats?”

“I love cats! And yeah, after my dad died a few years back it’s just us two, she’s great. Eight years old and just so smart,” Peter smiles at the floor and it’s so fond that Bucky’s heart melts a little. 

“She sounds great,” Bucky smiles. 

The elevator ride up to Bucky’s apartment is filled with Peter chattering, mainly about his little sister’s academic achievements. Which, for an eight year old, is pretty impressive. 

When they arrive at his apartment door, Bucky does prewarn Peter again that Alpine may or may not have caused a scene. Peter laughs it off, he is very much okay with cats being cats. 

Alpine is sitting in front of the door when Bucky opens it, her long, fluffy tail swaying behind her slowly as her eyes watch as someone new comes into view.  And Bucky realises that he probably should have mentioned that Alpine isn’t great with new people.

Peter is immediately enamoured by Alpine, he kneels down in front of her and holds out his hand for her to sniff. Which, she does. She leans forward, slinking towards the younger boy and rubs her face on his outstretched hand. 

“She doesn't normally take to new people so quickly, I’m actually kinda shocked,” Bucky laughs as he steps around them. “Cat like owner, I guess.”

Peter giggles, scratching behind her ears. “She’s gorgeous, such a pretty kitty, ain’t ya?”

Alpine purrs happily and Bucky can’t help but shake his head down at the two, they seem to be getting on well. 

“So, coffee, Pete?” Bucky asks as he steps into the kitchen. “Is a latte okay or...?”

“Yeah, that would be amazing! Thank you,” Peter calls and then resumes baby-talking to Alpine. 

Bucky grabs two coffee mugs and the pods from the cupboard, he can hear Alpine purring as Peter lathers her with his undivided attention. 

When Peter’s coffee is ready, he sets it on the dining table and calls for Peter, while he makes his own. Peter enters the kitchen with Alpine lying like a baby in his arms as he tickles her stomach, Bucky just shakes his head and turns back to the coffee machine.

“Buck, I love this cat,” Peter whispers, not taking his eyes from Alpine. “Yes, yes I do love you.”

Alpine makes a contended noise and bats playfully at Peter’s face with her paw. 

“She really doesn’t like new people, this is amazing,” Bucky chuckles, taking a seat across from Peter. “I found her in a box in an alleyway a little over a year go, so she's a little scared of people.”

“That’s so sad,” Peter frowns, reaching out for his mug of coffee. “It’s lucky you found her.”

“Yeah, she’s something special,” Bucky smiles, watching Alpine roll over onto her feet so she can nuzzle into Peter’s collar “Jeez, she really likes you.”

Peter just laughs, taking a long drink of his coffee. 

They end up moving to the living room, Peter sits in the armchair across from the couch and Alpine follows, weaving herself between his legs. The conversation turns to Doctor Banner, and the younger boy seems shy. There’s a small hint of a blush crawling up his neck. 

Turns out,  he was actually a patient of Banner’s, Peter’s dad had died almost five years back. When he’d completed his therapy, Bruce had encouraged him to start up the Cuddlehouse Workshop and it grew slowly from there. 

It’s plain to see Peter’s very proud of it, he’s helped a lot of people with it and has no plans on stopping. In fact, he’s thinking about opening a second location, further out on the other side of the city.  

Bucky agrees with him, he reckons it would be very beneficial for there to be more workshops like his around the city. A lick of heat rises up Peter’s pale neck again, blushing, he looks away, looking at the now empty mug clutched in his hands. 

Kid can’t take any praise about anything, Bucky thinks to himself. 

“Hey, I gotta go in a few. I was thinking, do you think you want to try handshaking again?” Peter asks, thumbing over the mug. “Maybe being in a familiar place would help, but if you don’t feel up to it, no pressure.”

Bucky thinks for a few seconds before he’s nodding his head, agreeing with Peter. “Let’s do it, Pete.”

Peter can’t stop the grin that spreads from ear to ear. Bucky stands and takes the mug from Peter’s hands, taking it to sit them on the kitchen counter. He notes that he isn’t nervous, he feels fine. Peter’s there and has no expectations from him, it’s fine. 

They awkwardly shuffle over to the front door and Bucky scratches his neck, taking a deep  breath. Peter extends his hand and Bucky does the same, slowly brushing their fingers together. His heart hammers against his ribcage, hard enough he thinks it might jump out and explode. 

Another deep breath and his hand is snuggly pressed against Peter’s. He gasps at the contact and stares wide eyed down at their connected hands, holy fucking shit. 

So actually, Bucky could do it and he did do it. Fuck yeah.  

Chapter Text

For the next month or so, Bucky slowly progresses from only being able to shake Peter’s hand, to Bruce’s and then even Sam’s hand! And he can’t deny it, it’s a great feeling to finally be able to get this right.

And more often than not, Peter will come back to Bucky’s after the workshop for coffee (and Alpine), even if he vehemently denies it. But they’re pretty much best friends at this point, Bucky is completely forgotten when Peter’s there. 

He’s even managed to have Nat over a few more times for takeout and red wine, he’s also helped out more at work, still over video conference calls but it’s… progress. So much progress. Bucky feels on top of the world, unstoppable and Steve’s smiling down at him, proud as punch too. He knows.

Until. 

Bucky has a nightmare and he feels off, he’s felt off since he left for Banner’s office. While he speaks to the therapist… It’s fucked him up.  

His skin feels like it’s crawling off of his bones, he’s on edge, looking over his shoulder the whole way home. He can’t place a finger on what it is or what the source of the anxiety is coming from, everything makes him flinch.  

The nightmare wasn’t even that bad in comparison to the others he’s suffered over the years. Banner did, however, point out that it was his first bad one in a while, it’s natural it’ll set him back for a day or two.

When he gets home, he checks his phone. It’s 2:30pm. Bucky reckons he could get away with a small nap before dinner, more sleep always helps. Then, he’ll order some chinese food and work on more projects for Nat. 

He’ll be grand.

Bucky shuts the blinds in his room before undressing and crawling into bed. He wraps himself in the covers and blindly reaches for his phone on the bedside cabinet. He misses Steve .

There’s a Steve shaped hole in his chest that’s caving in on his ribcage, the feeling is suffocating as he opens his camera roll and scrolls until he finds the picture album called “ Stevie Spitfire ”, a nickname Steve had been given in his teens because he was such a little hot head. Bucky’s heart downright aches now, as he scrolls through the album, he’s rubbing salt in his wounds right now. A lot of salt. In a lot of wounds where he’d recently put in a fresh set of stitches that are coming apart at the seams. 

All of the air is punched out of his lungs when he comes across a video, it’s from the last birthday Steve was alive, just a few months before he died. Bucky takes a breath and presses play. Immediately, Steve’s infectious laughter filters through the speakers and Bucky’s stomach tumbles. 

“Buck, Buck c’mon man, put the damn camera away!” Steve’s still laughing, putting a hand up to try and cover his face, the other settled on his left pec.

“Nope, Stevie,” Bucky grins, walking closer to him and using his free hand to push down the hand on Steve’s face. “Gotta document this shit, immortalize the fact I surprised you.”

Steve was so embarrassed; Bucky and Natasha had conspired and thrown him a surprise birthday party with all of their closest friends and work colleagues. It was by no means a large affair but Steve was still burning bright red, trying to hide himself.

“I’m gonna kill you two for this, ya know,” Steve chuckles, finally accepting a beer from Clint’s hand. “I’m not even dressed to party!”

Which was a lie. Steve was wearing a baby blue button up with white dress pants, still in what he wore to the office, but Carol just shouts for him to “grow a pair or get changed, it’s not a big deal, Rogers!”

Steve stands up next, wrapping his arms around Bucky in a hug before pressing a wet smacking kiss on his cheek and Bucky turns the camera around. “I love you, James Barnes-Rogers.”

He wasn’t even looking at the camera, his face squished tightly into Bucky’s cheek. Steve turns his head to press a kiss to his lips, grinning against Bucky. 

The video cuts out there and Bucky can’t fucking breathe. His chest has tightened so much that he has to force himself to sit upright and gasp for breath. It doesn't work, he’s on the cusp of hyperventilating.

How could he do this to Steve? How could he move on when the man that loved him so much lost his life? 

Suddenly, the guilt is overwhelming. His stomach churns and oh fuck, he’s going to throw up. Bucky stumbles out of bed, trying his best to swallow the excess saliva that’s built up in his mouth. 

He makes it to the bathroom where he falls to his knees in front of the toilet bowl and empties the contents of his stomach. 

When he’s done, Bucky rests his head on the toilet seat and tries his best to inhale deep breaths, to try and calm his breathing. It’s still hard to fight for breath but it’s fine, it’s a little easier now.

Bucky lets out a pained groan, lifting his head to flush the toilet, the combination of the smell and movement is overwhelming and makes him gag again but he isn't sick. He rubs the tears from his eyes and shifts to lean backwards against the bathtub. 

His stomach churns and tightens again, but he takes a deep breath, looking up at the ceiling, trying to push down the feelings making their way to the surface.

Natasha , Bucky thinks. I should call her, I definitely should call her. He realises can’t do the rest of the day alone, without someone there. 

Bucky all but crawls back to the bedroom, and slowly gets back into bed. He grabs around, searching for his cellphone. He finds it on top of the covers on Steve's side of the bed, because after all of this time, it’s still Steve’s side. 

He doesn’t think twice before pressing on Natasha’s number, she’ll be working but that’s okay. She’s always there for him. The line trills, high and long in his ear. 

Eventually, Nat picks up. “Hello? Buck? Everything okay?”

Bucky inhales a shaky breath before he tries to speak. “N - no, can you, uh, can you come over? Please?”

“Oh, sweetheart,” she coos back, but Bucky can feel the “but” coming. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry but I can’t right now… I have an important meeting this afternoon. Do you need me to call Bruce? Or Peter until I’m free?”

“N - no, it’s fine… I’m fine, don’t worry,” Bucky breathes, trying his best to even out his words so she doesn't worry. “Good luck for the meeting, you’ll do great, Natasha.”

Bucky hangs up the phone and a sob cracks in his chest. How could he be so selfish and expect Natasha to drop everything at his company, to come and mother him as if he’s a damn baby?

He slides his hands into his hair and pulls, tugging roughly on the short strands. Bucky welcomes the sharp darts of pain that come from it, it’s the very least he deserves. 

Bucky’s chest is heaving, hiccuping pathetic sobs into his pillow, barely able to breathe. The pillow is wet, saturated in his tears and snot. Some part of him is ashamed, because this is fucking disgusting. 

Vibrations knock him out of his daze and Bucky realises that his phone is ringing beside him. He ignores it and buries his face further into the pillow. It does stop after a few moments, only to start back up again. Bucky groans, why can’t people just let him wallow in his own self pity?

He grabs for the phone again, peeling open one bleary eye. It’s Peter, why the fuck is Peter calling him at this time on a Thursday? He declines the call and quickly texts him.

Bucky Barnes at 3:45pm.

Everything ok?

Peter Parker at 3:45pm.

Buck, i’m outside. Can you let me in?

Bucky huffs out loud because what the fuck? Why is he here?

Bucky Barnes at 3:46pm

Now isn’t a great time, Pete.

Peter Parker at 3:47pm

I know. But I need to know you’re alright. If you don’t answer the door, I know where the spare key is.  

Bucky blinks down at the kid’s response, sniffling. He realises that his tears aren’t falling quite as hard or fast anymore. How the fuck did the kid know?

Peter Parker at 3:48pm

Man, you’ve got your read receipts on. I know you’re seeing this. Nat and Bruce were worried about you and they were both busy. I will just let myself in, Nat said it was ok.

Bucky relents, he sits up and wipes his eyes. 

Bucky Barnes at 3:49pm

Use the spare key and let yourself in. I’m in the bedroom.  

He hears the front door unlock, there’s whispering, presumably to Alpine and he hears Peter make his way to the bedroom. The kid knocks on the door and waits for Bucky to respond before he comes in, which actually means a lot to him.

Peter just gets it. 

When Peter does enter, he doesn’t look pitying. There’s only concern dancing around in his brown eyes, and Bucky wants to curl up and tell him to go away. 

But instead, he’s sitting up against the headboard with his head in his hands, sniffling. 

“Hey,” Peter says softly, approaching the bed slowly and with caution. “I’m sorry for barging in on you, but Natasha called Bruce to check on you but he was dealing with another emergency.”

“How did she even get your number?” Bucky laughs but it’s humourless. 

“It was uh, actually Bruce. Bruce called me,” Peter says, looking down. “He was super worried about you and I was closest so...” 

Bucky’s bottom lip begins to wobble, because holy fuck his support system is more than he deserves but exactly what he needs. 

“Well uh, thanks. I appreciate it, Pete,” Bucky’s voice is hoarse from crying and he cringes at himself. “Sorry for the trouble.”

“Pshh, no harm done,” Peter grins over at him. “I must warn you, I was on my way back from picking up my little sister so she’s currently annoying Alpine...”

“That’s… That’s alright,” Bucky says softly, rubbing his eyes again. 

“Wanna talk about it?” Peter asks, shuffling a little closer again. 

“You can sit, you know,” Bucky says pointing to the edge of the bed. “Just don’t get too close, I threw up and I haven’t brushed my teeth yet.”

“I don’t mind,” Peter encourages, taking a seat where Bucky had just pointed to. “And don’t avoid my questions.”

Bucky nods, sorry sitting on the tip of his tongue but Peter gives him a look that says don’t even dare apologise for anything, and he quickly shuts his mouth. 

There’s a long beat of silence and Bucky scrubs a hand over his face before nodding, he leans over to the bedside cabinet and grabs the picture of Steve. He stares down at it for a few seconds, tracing over Steve’s features before handing it over to Peter. 

Peter takes the picture frame from his hands tentatively, looking down at it. “He’s beautiful, Bucky.” 

“I know,” Bucky laughs, a fresh wave of tears starting to fall from his eyes. “The night it happened, we had been at a friends dinner party and I was kinda drunk.”

Bucky swallows thickly and Peter stays quiet, nodding for him to continue. 

“I demanded that we stop at a shitty bodega in some shitty part of town to get more liquor.” Bucky clears his throat. “Steve was… Steve stood up for the little guy, right? He couldn’t back down from a fight, he couldn’t just keep his mouth shut and stay fucking quiet. If he saw a situation heading south, he couldn’t ignore it.” 

Peter nods along and Bucky wipes the tears away from his cheeks. “So, we stopped at this bodega and this thug came in after us and pulled a gun on the owner and of course… Captain Do the Right Thing couldn’t just keep his stupid, big nose out of it.”

Bucky takes a shaky breath inward, trying to calm himself. “He tried to talk the guy down, tell him it's not worth it and I was whispering to him not to get involved and - and there was obviously too much commotion going on for the gunman…”

He glances a look at Peter’s face, Bucky can tell Peter knows what’s coming by the look on his face. “He shot Steve, point blank range in the abdomen. The survival rate of that can be up to 97% but the bullet... it nicked an artery and he bled out, right there on that dirty fucking floor.”

“Oh, Bucky, I’m so sorry,” Peter whispers, he sniffs and wipes his eyes. “He didn’t deserve that.”

“And the best of it is, he was literally coughing up blood, he was fucking drowning in it but he told the EMT’s to check over the owner first ‘cos he was fine .” Bucky starts to laugh but it breaks off into a loud, heart wrenching sob. “It was all my fault, if I hadn’t bugged him to stop for more liquor… He’d still be here. I did this, Peter.”

“No,” Peter says with a watery finality that grabs Bucky’ attention. “You can’t go down that road, you did not do this, Bucky. You had no idea what would happen when you walked into that bodega.” 

“It still hurts,” Bucky sobs. 

“I know, I know but it’ll get easier,” Peter soothes, shifting closer to him. “Look at all the progress you’ve made.”

Bucky nods. “At what cost to Steve? He loved me so much and I’m moving on.”

“Just because you’re healing and getting better , doesn’t mean you’re moving on or forgetting him,” Peter says softly, his hand reaches for Bucky’s but it’s retracted just as fast. “Dealing with your trauma isn’t forgetting, you need to live your life. This is what Steve would have wanted for you. There’s no shame in having bad days, you’re allowed to have that.”

“I guess you’re right,” Bucky murmurs more to himself than anything. He takes the picture frame from Peter and stares down at Steve again. “Fuck, I need to shower.”

Bucky’s mouth feels and tastes disgusting , his eyes are stinging from crying, too, and fuck, he must look like a mess to Peter. 

“Okay, go take a shower and brush your teeth,” Peter suggests, getting to his feet. “I’ll straighten the place up for you and then we’ll order takeout, I’m not leaving until you eat and drink something substantial.”

“Nat’s orders?” Bucky huffs, rubbing his eyes.

“No, mine,” Peter grins back at him before ushering him out of bed and in the direction to the en suite. “Now off you go, I need to make sure Morgan isn’t putting dresses on Alpine or something.”

Chapter Text

Therapy that week is… interesting to say the least. Banner is concerned and Bucky doesn’t blame him; he had gone about twenty steps backwards in his progress and it fucking sucked . 

Banner tries to convince him that his antidepressants may need to be upped, Bucky wasn’t having it, though. He refused point blank to be filled with any more drugs, he’s taking enough. Too many.

After explaining the breakdown to him, Banner was a lot more understanding and understood what had happened better. 

“I’m just glad Peter was there,” Bucky says softly, more to the floor than to Banner. “I - I couldn’t have been alone.”

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you, James, I was dealing with another emergency,” Banner explains and Bucky can hear the sincerity in his voice, it warms him. 

“Nah, don’t worry, Doc,” Bucky smiles, fiddling with a loose thread on his jeans. “You don’t need to apologise, if not Peter, he would have made Sam come around instead.”

Banner nods, physically relaxing. “Alright, alright, I believe you.”

“I hadn’t had any nightmares since I started the workshop until now,” Bucky says, eyebrows furrowing. “I’m moving up to hand holding this week... ”

“And you feel alright with that?” Banner asks, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. “Because you can say no, especially after last week.”

“I know, I know,” Bucky reiterates. “And, if I get there, and I can’t do it. It’s… it’s fine. Peter won’t be disappointed. But I have to try, Doc.”

Banner just smiles over at him, he looks pleased, the sides of his eyes are crinkled and Bucky feels another warmth spread deep in his chest. 

“Okay, if you’re sure,” Banner says, checking his watch. “Your hour of torture is over, I’ll see you next week. And please don’t hesitate to call if you need to see me before then, alright? I’m here for you.”

“Alright, next week,” Bucky grins, standing up. “And I will, don’t worry but I think I'll be alright.”

They both walk to the door and Bucky doesn’t hesitate before shaking his hand. “Thanks Doc, have a good week.”

Banner blinks back at him before nodding, letting him leave.

Bucky has plans with Peter after therapy. The kid’s coming over with his sister for coffee and to see Alpine, which is codeword for he's actually coming over to see how Bucky’s doing after the whole situation . 

Peter’s already waiting outside his apartment building with Morgan when he arrives home, they’re laughing about something and Peter’s head is thrown back and his eyes are closed. Warm spreads in his chest again at the sight of him, weird.

“Bucky!” Morgan shouts at him across the street and waves excitedly. 

“Hello, Morgz,” he waves back with a grin. “How are you today, lil lady?”

As soon as he’s breached the sidewalk on the same side of the street, Morgan’s sprinting towards him, full-speed with her arms open and her book bag swinging wildly. Bucky doesn’t think when she connects with his stomach, wrapping her little arms around him and squeezing as tight as an eight year old can. 

“Morgan!” Peter snaps at her suddenly, jogging over to them. “What have we talked about!? We don’t hug people without asking first!” 

“But Bucky doesn’t mind, do you Bucky?” Morgan asks, looking up at him with her big, chocolate brown eyes and Bucky melts into a massive puddle of fucking goo.

He doesn’t say anything, he just shakes his head and ruffles her hair before lifting his head to look at Peter. “Nah, she’s - she’s actually fine…”

 “Oh - oh, that’s - great ,” Peter says, eyes widening almost comically. “So great!”

Bucky leans down to pick up Morgan, balancing her on his left hip. “You wanna go see Alpine?”

Morgan nods excitedly, wrapping her arms around his neck. “Please!”

Bucky carries Morgan all the way up to his apartment, she’s babbling about Alpine and how much she’s missed the cat. Bucky’s stomach flutters at the sentiment, this is all so domesticated, it’s strange but definitely not unwelcome. 

He sets Morgan down and lets them both in the door first and Alpine’s waiting patiently for the little girl by the front door, how the hell did she know? The cat must be psychic. It’s the only logical explanation. 

Morgan’s already making a beeline for Alpine’s toy box, hauling everything out of it to find her favourite toy. She squeals an excited “aha!” and pulls out one of the plastic balls that has a fluffy tail attached to it. Alpine’s watching her closely, waiting for her to make a move. Eventually, she does and bats the ball to the other side of the living room. 

Peter opens his mouth and Bucky guesses it’s to tell Morgan to tidy up the mess she’s made with the toys, but Bucky holds up a hand and shakes his head ‘cos this , right here? This is good brain day shit. 

Bucky can hear Alpine’s bell jingling as she runs to bat the ball back to Morgan, it makes his heart flutter again.

“I’m really sorry about Morgan,” Peter says as he takes his usual seat at the dining table. “I didn’t know she was going to do that.”

“Don’t be, it was uh, actually nice,” Bucky blushes, Morgan’s the first person to hug him since Steve. “I haven’t - Steve was the last person… Yeah.”

“Are you sure?” Peter asks, gnawing his bottom lip. “That really wasn’t okay of her... “

“Pete, the kid’s a kid, she has no idea about my… issues. Even if she did, she wouldn’t understand it,” Bucky says, looking into his eyes. “It’s alright, there was no ill intent behind it.”

“Are you su-” Peter starts.

“Bah!” Bucky yelps with a smile, holding up his hand. “No more talking about it. We’re good, honestly. She’s... really fucking adorable.”

Peter nods, he’s also smiling up at Bucky through his thick lashes. “Okay.”

There’s a lull in conversation as Bucky makes the coffees, the only sound is Morgan’s giggling and Alpine’s bell that’s still tinkling loudly. 

When Bucky turns around, Peter’s on his phone, sending a text and Bucky sits across from him, in his usual seat. He traces the rim of his mug with a finger and stares at the milky foam, watching it slowly ebb away into the coffee. 

“Sorry! One of my friends is texting me for help with a project for school, I don’t mean to be rude,” Peter sighs, taking a sip from his mug. “Thank you for the coffee.”

“You’re welcome,” Bucky says, picking up his mug to take a sip too. “And you’re fine. Don’t worry about it, that is much more interesting than little old me.”

“Ugh, I owe you so much coffee ,” Peter sighs happily, taking another long drink. “You’re too good to me.” 

Bucky doesn’t say anything, he just rolls his eyes playfully but Peter keeps talking. “No, I’m serious, Buck. Next time, let me take you out for coffee? Without Morgan, like actual adults… as a thank you.”

“Sure, kid,” Bucky grins, his stomach does that stupid fluttering again. It must be anxiety about going somewhere public for the first time in a long time . “Whatever you want.”

The following morning, Bucky wakes up feeling refreshed and optimistic for his workshop. He’s also looking forward to seeing Peter again. And Sam, his mind supplies. Today is the day that he moves on from handshakes to handholding . All in all, it’s not that much different to what he’s already been doing… Right?

And he hopes, no prays, he's going to get paired with Peter again because he doesn’t think him and Sam are compatible, therapy wise, and he doesn’t really interact with anyone else there. Because you’re scared to, his mind says and Bucky huffs at himself.

As usual, Bucky arrives a little earlier than everyone else to go over his plan for the day with Peter. The other boy greets Bucky warmly and directs him to sit on the couch, and Bucky waits for him to finish fluffing up the bean bags. 

Peter sits down across from him, dumping himself into the fabric. He looks tired today, there’s a distinctive redness under his eyes that gives him away. Bucky wants to ask what’s wrong, but Peter’s already opening his mouth to speak.

“Hand holding today, we are moving up in the world,” Peter says with a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes, and oh. That's weird. “How ya feeling?”

“Good, yeah. Really good, had a long talk with Banner about it yesterday,” Bucky says, arching an eyebrow at Peter. This is very out of character for him. 

“I’ll stay with you again and we can be paired, yeah?” Peter asks, scribbling down notes onto his action plan. 

“That would be great,” Bucky agrees, biting his bottom lip between his teeth. “Are you alright, Pete? You seem a little… down?”

Peter looks up at him and blinks, long eyelashes fluttering as he takes in what Bucky’s just asked. There’s a blush crawling up his neck, eyes darting away from Bucky’s. 

“Uh, yeah - yeah, it’s fine,” Peter stutters, shuffling the papers in his hands. “Don’t worry about me.”

Bucky nods slowly, along with Peter’s words. He’s not quite believing him but he won’t push the kid, not if he doesn't want to talk to him. “I’m here if you want to talk, you know that, right?”

Peter opens his mouth to say something but the studio door opens and Sam strolls inside with his signature bright, gap-toothed grin. Immediately, Bucky notices a difference in Peter’s posture. He sits a little higher, plastering a fake smile on his face as he waves back at the older man.

He murmurs a quiet “ thank you” to Bucky as he stands up to greet the other attendees. 

Okay, there’s definitely something up with the kid and Bucky’s gonna find out what it is.

After getting the class started, Peter comes back over to Bucky and sits next to him on the couch, giving him a small smile. “Are you ready to start?”

“Yup,” Bucky says, popping the “p”. “Are you in the right frame of mind?”

Peter seems taken aback by the question flinching back a little. “I - Yes?”

“Sorry, did I overstep?” Bucky says quickly, eyes softening. “I didn’t - I’m sorry…”

“No - it’s fine, I just. I don’t want to bring this energy to the group,” Peter explains, fiddling nervously with his fingers. “Can you just pretend like you can’t read my emotional wellbeing for the next few hours?”

Bucky chuckles. “Sure, Pete.”

Instead, Bucky listens to Peter instructing him. He opens his hand, palm up on one of the couch cushions, his breath hitches in his chest as Peter slides his hand across to him. Their fingers touch and Bucky fights the instant response to pull back, instead he looks over to the other boy.

Their eyes meet and Peter smiles, small and genuine, nodding towards their hands. Bucky takes a deep breath, and nods. When did they start communicating through glances and head nods? The thought doesn’t matter because the world stops turning when Peter slides his hand into his, holding tight enough to let Bucky know he’s there but loose enough so he can pull back, if he wants to.

And fuck, Bucky’s never been so appreciative of such a small gesture.

“Okay?” Peter whispers, it’s almost as if he speaks any louder the moment will be gone.

Bucky nods. The warmth of having another hand wrapped around his is almost overwhelming, he can’t help but blink down where they’re palms are crossed. Their fingers aren’t even entwined together, for fuck sake. 

“Sure?” Peter asks, just as softly. “Your face says otherwise.”

He snorts in response. “No, I’m fine, I just, it’s a lot...”

“I get that,” Peter agrees, brushing his thumb over the back of Bucky’s hand. “I’m proud of you.”

“Yeah,” Bucky says with a smile, looking over at him. “Me too.”

Chapter Text

After the workshop, Peter invites Bucky back to his apartment. 

Morgan’s being picked up from school by one of his friends, MJ, and they’re  going for ice cream in the park so Peter can have some desperately needed alone time. 

They both get an Uber to Peter’s apartment because Peter doesn’t want to get the subway, no one speaks. The silence isn’t uncomfortable, because it’s Peter, but Bucky can tell that there’s something that’s really on the kid’s mind. 

Peter’s apartment is in the classy part of uptown, inside a very nice looking building. The interior is how Bucky imagined it would, toys cluttering the floor, books strewn on the cabinets and coffee table. It’s not messy by any means, the place is clean and modern but homey at the same time. 

There are added parts of Peter and Morgan to the decor, Bucky thinks it’s adorable. 

“Wanna talk now?” Bucky asks, sitting down next to him on the couch. It’s black leather and very comfy, like sitting on a marshmallow. “If not, we can just sit. I’m not gonna push you, kid.”

“I’m sorry, today’s just not been a great day for me,” Peter explains, rubbing his eyes with his fingertips. “It’s been five years since my dad died. It was pretty big news and I’ve been getting phone calls and shit from different people about Morgan the past few days… It’s been a lot.”

Bucky quirks an eyebrow at the younger boy, he tries to speak but Peter keeps talking.

“My dad was Tony Stark of Stark Industries,” Peter sighs and oh fuck , Bucky does remember that being plastered all over the news when it happened. “This is why we have a pretty nifty apartment in an even niftier part of town. I'm on the board of directors and I’ll become CEO when Rhodey retires. That’s what dad wanted… He struggled with drugs and alcohol my whole life, he’d managed to stay sober for Morgan before she was born. Her mom died during labor and, well, Dad fell off the wagon after that.”

“Pete, I - I’m sorry,” Bucky offers, his fingers itching to move to touch , to soothe . “I didn’t realise that Tony Stark was your father.”

“Yeah. He tried to hide it from me, from Rhodey… everyone, but we knew, ya know? After so many years, we knew,” Peter sniffs, looking to the ground. “He was too far gone but he was the best dad, like, the just best. Never mean, never ugly, just... he just… yeah. Had his demons.”

“Addiction is a horrible disease,” Bucky says quietly. “That wasn’t who he was though, it was just a part of him. He was your dad, first and foremost.”

“I know, just a stupidly smart guy with a penchant for shitty cheeseburgers,” Peter smiles, wiping away a few tears. “God, I miss him so much. He’s the whole reason I started Cuddlehouse, and the reason I don’t have to work full time to support Morgan. I’m very lucky.”

“You are doing great work there, he would be very proud of you,” Bucky says genuinely, this time his hand does move and covers Peter’s. “Morgan is a joy too, she loves you so much.”

The younger flinches back in surprise but then puts his hand back for Bucky to touch again. “Thanks. Enough of this though, you wanna watch a movie or something?”

“Sure, kid,” Bucky says with a smile. “Something stupid, though, nothing too serious.”

Peter ends up putting on some English comedy called Taskmaster , Bucky doesn’t fully understand what’s going on, but the comedians are hilarious. Plus, hearing Peter snort a few laughs after being so upset earlier makes his heart happy, as it beats rapidly against his ribcage. The kid’s far too precious to be this upset. 

After a little while, Bucky notices that Peter’s eyes are slowly beginning to droop closed and it’s so fucking cute . 

He begins to unknowingly lean towards Bucky and Bucky doesn’t move, he just wraps an arm under him, adjusting them gently so he can pull Peter to rest between his legs, letting him lay his head on Bucky’s stomach. 

Immediately, he wraps an arm around Bucky’s waist and hugs him in closer. 

The last thing Bucky remembers is a familiar swooping in his stomach, and it’s nice . 

Bucky blinks awake to the sound of the front door unlocking, he looks around groggily and doesn’t recognise his surroundings. Then, he realises there’s a warmth across his abdomen, and someone’s breathing in tandem with him. 

He looks down to see Peter, his hand has slipped up the hem of Bucky’s shirt and his thumb absentmindedly brushes across the soft, olive skin. Then he realises his own hand is in Peter’s hair, carding through the soft tawny strands and holy fuck, when did this happen? And when did it start to not phase him?

Bucky goes rigid, pulling his hand from Peter’s hair and nudging him gently to wake him up because the front door is opening! Someone is going to come inside and see them both like this!

“Pete,” Bucky whispers urgently, there's ice cold fear in his veins. “Peter…”

“Ngh,” Peter murmurs, cuddling Bucky closer. “S’fine.”

“Someone is coming into your apartment,” Bucky whispers again, more high pitched. 

“S’fine, s’MJ ‘n’ Morgs,” Peter’s barely aware of the words that are coming out of his mouth and as adorable as it is, Bucky is fucking terrified .

The door opens and the first thing Bucky hears is Morgan squealing excitedly. “Bucky! You’re here!” 

Bucky’s frozen in place with Peter now fully back to sleep on his person, Morgan jumps up onto the couch with the two and clambers all over them both. And Peter is still asleep.

Meanwhile, there’s a tall woman with long, brown hair tied into a low pony standing at the door, looking completely uninterested in the scene unfolding in front of her. 

“Hey, dude,” is all she says with a little wave. “Are you Bucky from group?”

Bucky takes a sharp breath inward, trying to remind himself to breathe . “Mhm, that’s - uh, that’s me.”

“Cool, I’m MJ,” she says again, giving absolutely nothing away. 

“Auntie Meej!” Morgan shouts and Bucky wants to know how the fuck Peter can still be asleep. “Come over!”

“Sorry bug, I gotta go,” MJ frowns. “You know I work on Thursday nights, yeah?”

Morgan pouts, crossing her arms over her chest and MJ lets out a small titter of laughter. “You’re a drama queen, Morgz.”

The little girl stops pouting to grin wickedly and MJ just laughs again, turning to leave. Bucky’s not sure what the hell is happening, he’s sweating and so, so anxious . “I’ll swing by on Saturday with juice pops, I promise.”

 “Okay, if you promise,” Morgan smiles over at her and Bucky melts .

“Never let you down before, have I, bug?” MJ asks and Morgan shakes her head. “Oh and you, Bucky ,  let Peter sleep. God knows he needs it, the idiot.”

“Yes, Ma’am,” Bucky murmurs, suddenly very afraid of what’s going to come out of her mouth next. 

“See ya,” MJ grins as she slips out, locking the door behind her.

“Auntie Meej took me for fudgsicles in the park,” Morgan grins at him and Bucky can see the ring of chocolate around her lips, he can’t help but laugh a little.

“Did you have fun?” Bucky asks, reaching to ruffle her dark hair. 

“Yes,” Morgan says, nodding. “It’s daddy’s anniversary today and Peter doesn’t think I know, but I do. He gets really… sad every year and Auntie Meej takes me out for ice cream or snacks.”

Bucky’s heart physically snaps in two at the little girl’s words. He tries to say something, mouth opening and closing like a gaping fish. 

“S’okay, Bucky,” Morgan sighs, dipping her head back for Bucky to pat more of her hair. “You don't gotta say anythin’.” 

“How about we order some of Peter’s favourite food and make him watch a Disney flick, huh?” Bucky asks her, looking down at Peter still sleeping on his person. 

His mouth is open and he’s breathing evenly, Bucky’s breath hitches and it disturbs him for a split second before he nuzzles back in and brushes his thumb over the exposed skin of Bucky’s hips again, murmuring something so quietly Bucky thinks he might have imagined it. 

“He likes you,” Morgan giggles, ruffling Peter’s curls with her little hands. “A lot.”

“Oh,” Bucky says softly, dumbfounded. 

“You like him too though,” Morgan shrugs, leaning into his shoulder. “Can we watch Frozen?”

Bucky can only nod dumbly as he pulls up Uber Eats on his phone.

Chapter Text

After the day Peter fell asleep on him, Bucky’s been progressing at a steady, upward pace.

He’s able to cuddle up with Peter after that, holding hands and, more often than not, they end up falling asleep together on the couch in one of their apartments. 

Bucky also starts making regular visits into work, just two or three times a week, between therapy and workshop days. It’s nice to be back, to be able to shake hands with old friends and employees again. 

He feels a lot lighter. A lot freer. And being able to actually create in his office again is… something he didn’t realize he missed as much. 

Now, after another successful workshop, Bucky is tired. Super fucking tired. He was up all night working late on a project for Natasha. Peter’s coming home with him for their usual cuddle session as MJ and Ned, another of Peter’s close friends Bucky met accidentally, have Morgan overnight for a few days to give him a break. 

When they get inside of Bucky’s apartment, Alpine slinks away from the rays of sun she’s lying in, to another corner of the room away from him. 

“Yeah, you better get out of my sight,” Bucky huffs as he locks the door behind them. “Meowing in the wee hours.”

“Oh, you don’t mean that,” Peter chuckles back, slipping his shoes off.

“Do you mind if we, uh, don’t go to the couch and go to bed instead? I need a real nap,” Bucky asks shyly, avoiding eye contact. “Work has been crazy and Alpine has been a little shit .”

“Oh, uh, su - sure? If you’re comfortable?” Peter asks and Bucky nods. “Are you sure you want my workshop sweats in your bed?”

“S’okay, I can give you other stuff to wear,” Bucky says, stretching his arms over his head. 

Peter blushes and Bucky wants to question it but decides not to, he’d rather get into bed. So, he pulls out an old pair of sweats and a shirt for Peter. Bucky lays them on the bed for him and strips off into just his boxers, climbing under the sheets, without even thinking twice about it. 

The other boy comes back quickly in Bucky’s clothes, he folds back the duvet and crawls beside Bucky. 

Bucky doesn’t even flinch, instead he lets Peter slot his head underneath his chin and nuzzle in. 

“This is nice,” Peter slurs, snuggling in closer. Bucky can tell he’s already on the precipice of slipping under and into sleep. “You’re real comfy, Buck.”

The other man nods, feeling himself already falling into unconsciousness too. 

After a few hours, Bucky rouses first, realising Peter’s shifted onto his other side, facing away from him. Bucky’s arm is under his head, and the younger rubs his nose along the bare skin of Bucky’s arm and Bucky shivers in response. 

He shifts forward a little, realising with absolute fucking horror that he’s hard . His dick is hard and Peter wriggles a little more, moving backwards and suddenly, Bucky is very awake. 

Wrenching his arm from under Peter’s head and rolling away, fuck . This feels so wrong. 

“Mmm, Bucky?” Peter asks sleepily after being jostled, lifting his head a little. “What’s goin’ on? You okay?”

“Nothin’, nothin’, m’good, just really gotta pee,” Bucky’s voice is high and wavering as he dives out of bed for a pair of sweatpants. 

Peter snorts softly, nuzzling back into the sheets. “M’gonna leave soon, promise… five more minutes, though.”

“You know you’re welcome to stay as long as you want,” Bucky reassures, awkwardly making a dash for the ensuite bathroom like a crab.  

He stares down at his clothed dick, there’s no hiding the imprint. He doesn’t remember the last time he was awake and his cock was hard, nevermind gotten off. It’s a surreal feeling, he just knows Banner is gonna have a field day with this tomorrow. 

Bucky shoves down his boxers and stares again, willing his boner to just go a-fucking-way. 

After a brief moment of deliberation and thinking of gross things... he decides he’s not getting rid of this problem any time soon. So, Bucky takes his cock in hand. Hissing, he clasps his free hand over his mouth. 

It’s been so long, he feels like he might have forgotten how to do this , get himself off. He forces his eyes closed, letting his mind drift to thoughts of Steve, how Steve used to touch him. 

A memory pops into the front of his mind...

Steve’s on his knees, kneeling between Bucky’s thighs, his palms are warm and soft against Bucky’s skin, running up and down. He leans forward, a little smirk tugging on the corners of his lips as he licks over the tip gently, teasing. 

Bucky moans, hips twitching forward to try and get more of himself into Steve’s mouth, Steve won’t move, though… the stubborn bastard.

He squeezes his cock, jerking over the tip, Bucky has to bite his bottom lip between his teeth to stop himself from moaning loud enough for Peter to hear.

There’s a giggle and Bucky takes a sharp intake of breath, Steve loves making him so far gone on pleasure… He peels an eye open and suddenly, Steve’s soft, blonde locks have been replaced with tawny, chocolate curls as a pair of dark eyes that definitely aren’t Steve’s familiar baby blues look up at him.

A doe eye winks up at him, moaning around his cock and Bucky’s hips jerk, coming undone into the soft, waiting mouth. 

“ Peter ,” Bucky moans quietly, knees buckling as he reaches to steady himself on the sink. 

Bucky sits himself back down on the stupid, little fucking couch in Banner’s office, twiddling his thumbs. Banner’s already eyeing him suspiciously as he grabs his notebook. Bucky sighs, leaning forward and hangs his head in his hands.

“Alright, what have you done?” Banner asks an amused lilt to his voice. “C’mon, out with it.”

“I - uh, I don't even know how to tell you,” Bucky runs his hands through his hair in frustration.

“It really can’t be that bad,” Bruce says, adjusting himself in his seat. “What’s the main emotion you’re feeling here?”

Bucky lifts his head to just look at Banner. “Guilt. Regret. Shitty.”

“Guilt, why?” Banner probes.

Bucky huffs a sigh, rubbing his eyes with his hands. “Steve - I - I’m - ugh .”

“Take a second,” Banner says smoothly. 

Bucky takes a deep breath, sitting up and staring past Banner. He tries to get his thoughts together to form them into a damn sentence, he lets out a frustrated huff.

“I - you know - cuddling, right?” Bucky rolls his eyes at himself not being able to fucking speak . 

“Yes, with Peter?” Bruce supplies, trying to work out what he’s meaning. 

Bucky nods. “We uh, napped. In bed and I woke up… I was… uh, you know…”

Banner quirks an eyebrow, humming. “Aroused?”

Bucky splutters, swallowing tightly. “I - yeah.”

“That’s a natural bodily reaction, James,” Banner reassures. “What happened?”

“It wouldn’t go away and I… took care of it … and I haven’t… in a real long time and I thought about how Steve used to, you know,” Bucky stutters out, hands flailing awkwardly in front of him. “And at the… end, I guess, it wasn’t Steve anymore… It was Peter.” 

“Okay but why guilty, though?” Banner presses. 

“I - I think I like him, Doc,” Bucky groans, dropping his head back into his hands. “Like, I think I have a crush on him. And when I’m with him, I don’t think about Steve.”

“Okay… and?” Banner says, quirking an eyebrow. “It’s not the end of the world.”

“But - Steve ,” Bucky whines, all but pouting. “I don’t want to forget him.”

Banner sighs, loud and exaggerated. “Okay, okay, we get it. Dead husband, do you think he would want you to be alone? To not move on? ‘Cause I can tell, from what you’ve told me about him, that he wouldn’t want that for you.”

Bucky’s a little taken aback by Banner’s words but he’s right . “I - I mean…”

Banner looks at him expectantly. 

“You’re right…” Bucky sighs, defeated. “I guess.”

“You deserve to be happy,” Banner reiterates, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. “Focusing on the past won’t help the future, James.”

“I didn’t expect you to be the tough love type…” Bucky says, brows furrowing.

“A lot of things you don’t know about me,” Banner winks. “I understand there are a lot of conflicting emotions happening right now, remember how we deal with them?”

Bucky nods. “I just… feel bad. Awkward.”

“You can’t keep beating yourself up about starting to recover,” Banner says softly. “You’re not doing anything wrong, James.”

Bucky opens his mouth to speak and Banner holds up a hand to silence him. “Don’t even say it. Don’t even say anything about Steve. You are in a position where you could have something wonderful with someone who truly cares for you, and in this world that is such a damn rarity.”

“It feels so right,” Bucky shifts uncomfortably. “But when I’m alone, the guilt… it’s so overwhelming.” 

“What I want you to do for next week is write a letter to Steve,” Banner says. “Get out everything you want to say, everything you’re feeling and we can take it from there, yeah?”

“Okay, I’ll try,” Bucky says softly. 

Banner smiles before checking his watch. “You’re free, the hour of tough love is up.”

Bucky grumbles something incoherent and Bruce rolls his eyes, they say their goodbyes and Bucky shakes his hand. 

He’s outside the subway station when his phone rings, it’s Natasha. 

“So, we just got a huge contract with the CEO of Stark Industries. You wanna tell me how that happened?” Nat asks and Bucky can hear the raised eyebrow and knowing smirk in her voice. 

“I - I had no idea about this,” Bucky stutters. “What - what’s it for?”

“A remodel of two lab spaces,” Nat says coolly and Bucky nods.

“Cool, I can handle that,'' Bucky breathes, his mind already spinning with thoughts of how . He checks his watch, it’s 2:30pm. “I’ll be in the office in like, an hour? I can deal with this one personally.”

“Oh - oh,” Nat stutters out, clearly shocked. “Are you - I mean, I can, if you want?”

“Nah, I got this,” Bucky grins to no one but himself. 

He does. He’s got this.

Chapter Text

On the way to the office, Bucky calls Peter. 

Peter explains that he’d mentioned Novam Lineam to the fucking CEO of Stark Industries, aka his and Morgan’s uncle, Rhodey, and he had zero need for convincing to hire the firm once Rhodey forced Peter to show him their website.

He asks Peter if he can meet him at Novam’s office. He agrees but he’ll need to bring Morgan as she’s almost finished school. Which is fine, Bucky loves spending time with Morgan and she’ll love the office.

Once Bucky’s at Novam, he exits the elevator to find Peter and Morgan already there with Natasha, sitting together at the large meeting table in the boardroom. The adults both have coffees while Morgan sits next to Peter, colouring in with pencils and a juice box, her dark hair’s fallen over her face. 

Bucky enters the board room and Peter immediately looks up to wave at him excitedly, he’s grinning from ear to ear. Bucky can’t help the swooping feeling in his stomach, Peter is so happy to see him . His eyes are even crinkled at the sides and Bucky’s heart stutters in his chest, Peter’s so fucking cute it’s almost painful.

“Alright, I’ll leave you in the very capable hands of our Bucky,” Natasha smiles at Peter, picking up her coffee. “Morgan, would you like to come with me and see some cool stuff?” 

Morgan looks up for the first time, eyes widening. “Yes! Can I, Peter? Can I, please?” 

Peter chuckles and ruffles her hair. “Of course you can, Morgs. Just stay close to Natasha and do everything she says, okay?”

Morgan nods excitedly. “I will, I promise!”

“If Peter says it’s okay, you can even come and see Alpine after, if you want,” Bucky adds, smiling down at the little girl.

“Pete?” she asks with a wide smile. “Can we, please? Can we see Alpine?” 

“I’ll think about it, off you go,” Peter smiles at her. She pushes herself out of the chair and runs to take Natasha’s outstretched hand. 

“Hey,” Bucky smiles, leaning his elbows on one of the chair backs across from Peter. “Thanks for coming in on such short notice, I had no idea until about an hour ago that Colonel Rhodes had hired us.” 

Peter laughs and shakes his head. “I’m sorry, he was really impressed. I did want to check it over with you at first but Rhodey gets very… excitable.” 

“No need to be sorry, Pete,” Bucky sits down. “What can we do for Stark Industries, then?” 

“I brought some pictures to show you. I was thinking we could maybe go into Stark Industries at some point, too, and you can get a feel for the space?” Peter offers, absentmindedly tracing a finger around the rim of his cup. “I wasn’t sure what your process is but Rhodey’s already cleared access for us to go in whenever.” 

“Sounds good,” Bucky agrees, eyes glued to the way Peter’s nimble fingers are moving against the porcelain. “Come with me, then.”

Bucky walks through the office saying hi to everyone he sees until he gets to an office door. Even though he’s been in and out of the office the past few months, he’s never actually been back into this office. Steve’s office.

A wave of anxiousness and sadness washes over him, his chest tightens and his fingers begin to tremble. He stops in his tracks, his hand stuck midway to the doorknob. Bucky’s breath is stilted as he turns to Peter, tears gathering in his eyes. Peter’s eyes soften, he smiles gently and encouraging,  slipping his hand into Bucky’s free one. 

“I’ve not -” Bucky whispers, voice hoarse as he blinks back the tears. “Since…”

Peter squeezes his hand gently. “You got this, Buck.” 

“I do,” Bucky whispers again and sets his hand on the doorknob and turns it. “I got this.”

His breath catches as he door swings open, Steve’s office is exactly how it was left before he died. Not a piece of paper out of place, his desk chair’s still rolled out half way. Bucky’s eyes centre in on a picture frame, sitting neatly on his desk. It’s the two of them on the first day they opened Novam, Steve’s got his arm around Bucky’s neck, smushing a kiss into his temple. Bucky’s laughing, eyes crinkled and mouth wide. 

“He is gorgeous,” Peter murmurs, nodding toward the picture and squeezing Bucky’s hand. 

“Yeah, he really was,” Bucky agrees, turning to Peter. 

Bucky realises, with a boulder in his stomach this is the first time he’s referred to Steve in the past tense… his head spins, stomach twisting. He notices his hand is still joined to Peter’s and he has no intention of letting it go anytime soon. 

“Those baby blues…” Peter says softly. “I can see how you fell so in love with him.”

“Yeah, he was something else,” Bucky smiles. “That picture was taken on the day we opened, the hottest day of the year and we had no AC ‘cause the guys hadn’t come in and set it up. I sweated through two shirts before noon.” 

Peter chuckles, rubbing his thumb over the back of Bucky’s hand. “Why does this stuff only happen to you?”

Bucky laughs a little, too, shrugging. “Just my luck, I guess.”

Peter opens the pictures he took of the lab space on the computer and Bucky enlarges them, his brain already whirring with the possibilities of how they could utilise the space. 

Bucky learns that Colonel Rhodes is planning on turning the lab into a space to test out prosthetics, because Stark Industries is planning on dipping their toes into something new to help veterans that have been affected by the loss of limbs.

Which, damn. That’s pretty fucking cool. 

After a few hours, they have a simple mock up of blueprints and Peter is all but vibrating out of his seat with excitement. He jumps up to have another look, slinging an arm around Bucky’s neck and resting his chin on top of Bucky’s head. 

Bucky doesn’t even think twice before reaching the hand that’s not controlling the computer mouse to brush his thumb against the soft cotton of Peter’s hoodie.

“It looks great,” Peter sighs, shifting his head to press a kiss to Bucky’s hair. “Rhodey has given me full creative control, which is a little scary but I’m sure he’ll love this, too.”

And holy fuck , Bucky’s stomach flutters at the small guesture. He just nods dumbly in response to Peter’s words, he squeezes Peter’s elbow and nuzzles into him. 

Peter smells like fancy cologne, sweet, peppery, almost. Bucky briefly wonders if he put on cologne just to come into the office, the thought makes Bucky blush a little. 

“Are you alright?” Peter whispers, rubbing Bucky’s shoulder. “You’ve gone all quiet and brooding.” 

Bucky clears his throat and shakes his head. “M’good, Pete. This is the first time I've done this without any input from Steve and I’m kinda proud of myself.”

“So you should be, this is a big step. I’m really proud of you and your progress too, Buck,” Peter says and even though Bucky can’t see the smile on Peter’s lips, he knows it’s there. He can feel it. “Bruce is gonna be too.”

“I think he thinks I’m gonna crash and burn soon, like, relapse or some shit,” Bucky chuckles sadly. 

“Nah, he won’t think that,” Peter says softly. “He’s very fond of you, you know.” 

“Has he said something to you?” Bucky asks, suddenly confused. 

“Oh, god no. I’ve just known him for a long, long time,” Peter reassures. “He’s not allowed and he would never. I just can just tell from the way you speak about him, I know it’s his job but he definitely does genuinely care for you. Bruce has a knack for caring that can’t be taught.” 

“Good to know,” Bucky grins, he shifts to lean back in the chair to look up at Peter. 

Peter looks down at Bucky, his chocolate eyes flickering towards Bucky’s lips and back up. Bucky notices that he swallows a little thickly, his mouth opening and closing like a fish.

For a second, Bucky thinks they’re going to kiss and his heart begins to hammer against his ribcage. An ice cold feeling floods his veins as Peter smiles softly, looking back down to his lips for the briefest second.

This is so close, so intimate. Yeah, they’ve cuddled, they’ve spooned, they’ve held hands. But this? This feels much more intimate than anything else they’ve done so far. 

“Buck…” Peter starts, voice low, hoarse. 

Bucky’s nodding, before he can even say or do anything else, he’s nodding, leaning upwards and Peter’s leaning in. It’s a soft brush of lips at first and Peter pulls back but Bucky can’t stop himself, he pulls Peter in again by the back of his neck. 

Peter startles a little but settles into it quickly. He makes a happy little noise in his throat and Bucky fucking melts in his seat, turning into a big puddle of fucking goo.  There’s a brush of tongue against Bucky’s bottom lip and he lets Peter lick into his mouth. Bucky’s chest hitches and Peter smiles against him. 

This is different. This is new .

Chapter Text

To My Dearest Stevie, 

I miss you so much, I can’t put it into words how much I miss you. Your radiant smile, your goofy laugh, the way you lit up a whole damn street with your personality. Ever since you left, I feel like my chest has been caving in, I feel like I’m not even half the person I was when you were here with me. The thought of living without you didn’t seem like a life I quite wanted to live but I started therapy, I took time off from work… I met someone. I’m doing better. Finally, after all this time.

And the guilt I feel for even thinking of doing better or “replacing” you is tremendous. Overwhelmingly so. I thought you’d be the only person I’d ever love but you always said I put my whole damn heart and soul into everything I did. And with him? I couldn’t help it. He had my heart before I even realised what had happened. The thing is, Stevie. You’d love him too. He’s smart, quick as a whip, hilarious, and the kindest fucking person, other than you, I’ve ever met. He cares so much about everyone he meets and that’s such a rare quality to find in a person. He’s helped me so much, much more than I realised. 

I couldn’t touch anyone after you left. Couldn't even shake my damn therapist's hand. Losing you left such a hole in my heart but thanks to Banner and Peter, that’s the someone by the way, I can almost function like a real human again. I know you’d be so proud of me for how far I’ve come and that’s what keeps me going on the bad days. I still get ‘em. I’ll keep getting ‘em. And that’s okay. 

The saddest thing is, I’ve realised that I can’t hold on to you in this way anymore, I have to say goodbye. I have to move on because if I keep living like this, I’m going to end up spiralling and in a really bad way again. This doesn’t mean that I’m going to forget about you, I mean how could I? It just means that I’m learning to live without you and work through the trauma of losing you in the most violent way. 

I’m trying real hard to remind myself that you would want this for me and you won’t hate me, wherever you are, for moving on and trying to be a better person for myself, for Peter and even still for you. I can’t let myself ruin your legacy.

I know you want me to do everything we ever dreamed about. I know you’re always with me. And a part of me is always going to be with you too, that I can’t deny. You are and always will be the first great love of my life. I won’t ever forget you or the time we shared. Thank you for showing me unconditional love and how to love unconditionally. I wouldn’t be half the man I am today without you and your constant unwavering love and support. 

I love you and I will continue to love you until I take my last breath. No one compares.

Yours then, now, and forever,

James Buchanan Barnes-Rogers. 

Bucky looks up and across to Banner, he’s gnawing on his bottom lip and blinking uncontrollably. 

“Are - are you alright, Doc?” Bucky asks, raising an eyebrow, he’s dumbfounded by Banner’s reaction. “Do you, uh, need a minute?”

Banner clears his throat, pulling his tie away from his neck a little. “Mhm, yeah. No, I’m -I’m  good.” 

“Does it meet the homework requirements?” Bucky asks again, eyebrow arching even higher. “I wasn’t sure if it did…”

“Yeah, James. It does,” Banner smiles sadly, shuffling the papers on his knees. “Those are some very beautiful words you wrote, do you feel better after writing it all down? Making sense of your feelings?” 

Bucky nods. “A weight’s definitely been lifted.”

“Excellent,” Banner smiles. “I am so proud of you, you know. Everything you’ve achieved in the past few months.” 

Bucky feels himself blush, from his neck right to the tips of his ears. He nods, murmuring a thank you and avoiding all eye contact with Banner. 

“He - he, uh, kissed me,” Bucky murmurs, scratching the back of his neck. “Peter did, last week in my office. It was… really nice. I liked it.”

“Oh wow, that’s great!” Banner grins.

“I didn’t feel bad about it… not even after, or at all really...” Bucky sighs, running a hand through his hair. “We haven’t… I’ve not mentioned it and neither has he but I think… I’m gonna ask him out on a date.”

“This is such good progress,” Banner grins wider. “I wish you nothing but the absolute best, James. You can fill me in next week, yeah?”

“Of course,” Bucky smiles and stands. “Thank you so much.”

At home, Bucky paces the length of his living room a good few times. He has his phone in his hand in front of him, thumb hovering over the “call” option under Peter’s contact information. Bucky sighs, clicking his phone to sleep and throwing himself down onto the couch. 

Alpine meows at him from across the room, tail swinging lazily behind her as she rolls in the sun. “Shut up, ‘Pine. I’ll call him eventually.”

She meows again and Bucky swears it sounds like a goddamn laugh this time. Bucky fights the urge to throw one of the couch pillows at her, instead he opens his phone again and actually does press the call button. 

The line trills loudly in his ear and Bucky drops his face into his hand, waiting for Peter to pick up. Bucky’s stomach tightens with every passing second. 

“Hey Buck,” Peter greets happily. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, everything’s good,” Bucky smiles but his body is trembling. “I was just wondering if you maybe wanted to go out for dinner sometime?”

Bucky cringes at himself, resisting the urge to slap his palm to his forehead. 

“Oh, that sounds - uh, yeah that sounds great,” Peter stammers and Bucky thinks he’s fucked it. “MJ and Ned have Morgan tomorrow or is that too soon?”

“No, not at all, tomorrow is - is great, yeah, I’ll uh, pick you up at seven?” Bucky smiles, biting his bottom lip between his teeth. 

“I’ll be ready,” Peter says happily. “Just - just so that we’re on the same page, this is a date… right? You’re asking me out on a date with you?”

“Is that okay?” Bucky asks nervously. “Because if not… It’s cool? I understand.”

“That is so okay, Bucky,” Peter replies and Bucky can hear his smile. “I gotta go and help Morgan with homework but I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“See you then, Pete,” Bucky grins and hangs up. 

He looks over to Alpine, who’s looking rather smug with herself. “Told you I’d do it.” 

Bucky’s tense. So fucking tense. His stomach is swirling like a damn laundry machine. 

At least he looks good, he’s wearing his skinniest black jeans, the way they cling to the contours of his thighs… he hopes Peter notices and appreciates . Bucky’s also wearing a black and white polka dot button up with a leather jacket. 

Bucky’s not felt like this… attractive … for such a long time. The feeling is not unwelcomed, not in the slightest. In fact, he’s allowing himself this. Allowing himself to be happy and to feel wanted .  

He’s in the elevator up to Peter’s apartment with a bouquet of red and yellow tulips. He feels ridiculous bringing flowers but it seemed like a good idea, and Peter mentioned in passing once that those tulips were his favourite. And well, Bucky really wanted to make a good impression… sue him.

Bucky takes a deep breath, inhaling as much air as he can manage as he works up the courage to knock on Peter’s door. He takes his hand through his hair one last time, before taking the plunge and knocking on the door. 

It takes a few seconds before Peter answers but it’s worth it when he does, his hair is coiffed back and looks so damn fluffy, Bucky wants to run his hands through it so badly . 

“Hey, sorry, Ned ran late picking up Morgan and she wouldn’t stop asking me questions about where we’re going and if it’s a date and I wasn’t sure what to tell her,” Peter rushes out in one breath and Bucky notices that he’s wearing sweats and an oversized band shirt. Even dressed like this, he’s still gorgeous. “I’m so sorry! I just need to get changed!”

“Don’t be silly,” Bucky smiles softly. “The reservation is at eight fifteen anyway, there’s plenty of time.”

“Oh, thank God,” Peter says in relief. “Come in, I won’t be much longer.”

“These are for you,” Bucky offers when they’re into the apartment, handing Peter the tulips. “I remember you saying a few months back that these were your favourite flowers.”

Peter stares at him for a long few moments before he takes the bouquet from him, for a second Bucky thinks Peter might laugh at him, but he doesn’t. He sniffs them and breaks into a grin from ear to ear, a soft blush tinting the sharpness of his cheekbones.

“No one’s ever brought me flowers before a date… or well, ever, actually,” Peter says bashfully. “Thank you so much.”

“Not a problem,” Bucky smiles, fighting a blush himself. “Ma always said not to turn up empty handed so...”

Peter puts the tulips in the sink and goes to finish getting dressed, Bucky waits patiently on the couch, twiddling his thumbs. 

As promised, it doesn't take long and Peter reappears in a pair of pin striped navy slacks with a black turtleneck. Bucky tries not to look at the way the clothing clings to his lithe hips, accentuating how toned his torso and arms are.  

“Do I look okay?” Peter asks at the exact same time Bucky breathes out a stilted “you look great.” They both ignore the other’s blush as Peter grabs his leather jacket from the back of one of the dining chairs. 

“You look great too, by the way,” Peter says, climbing into the car. 

Bucky gets a whiff of Peter’s cologne as buckles himself into the passenger seat, it’s different to the one he was wearing the other day in the office. A little bit spicier, more intoxicating. Bucky wants to bury his face in Peter’s neck and breathe all of it in.

They make small talk as Bucky drives through the city, Peter fiddles nervously with the hem of his turtleneck, stammering over his words and it’s so fucking cute . 

They arrive at the restaurant twenty minutes before their reservation, the front of house seats them at the bar for a complimentary drink while they wait. Bucky had picked a really nice Italian he’d been to with a few prospective clients a couple years back, and he remembers the food was delicious.  

Peter orders a mojito and Bucky orders a small glass of red wine. 

The conversation feels a bit stilted but Bucky reckons Peter’s just nervous, if the way he keeps rubbing his palms on his thighs and how he’s avoiding all eye contact with Bucky is anything to go by. And honestly, that’s okay. Bucky’s sweating bullets under his own leather jacket too. He’s just better at hiding it than Peter is, surprisingly. 

“Is your mojito any good?” Bucky asks, nodding towards the glass in Peter’s hand. 

“Yes! It tastes so nice. Sometimes they’re really overly minty and limey but this one is a good balance, on the right side of sweet, too,” Peter says excitedly. “Do you want to try it?”

He holds out the glass to Bucky, straw first, and Bucky happily obliges, reaching to take the neck of the straw between his fingers and take a sip of the cocktail. 

“Oh wow, that is really good,” Bucky agrees. “I might order one of those next time.”

Peter laughs. “It’s a shame you’re driving or you could have had one, too.”

“I’m sure I’ll cope with one glass of red,” Bucky smiles back, leaning over to cover Peter's hand with his own. “Someone needs to take your drunk ass home, huh?” 

Chapter Text

The date went well, it went so well . Peter loved the food and once Peter opened up a little, it was like nothing had changed between them. They both laughed all night and even shared a slice of lemon cheesecake for dessert! Bucky classes that as a great first date, even though it’s only his second first date ever… but still great nonetheless.

Now, he’s pulling up outside of Peter’s apartment building and the kid’s looking a little flushed.. 

“Thank you so much for tonight,” Peter blushes, ducking his head. “I had such a nice time with you.”

“The pleasure is all mine, Pete,” Bucky says. “I’m glad you had a good time. I did, too.”

“Do you uh, maybe want to come up for a little while?” Peter asks. “For some wine or coffee or something?”

Bucky debates for a few seconds before agreeing. What’s the harm? He shuts off the car engine and exits the car to open Peter’s door for him. 

“You’re such a gentleman, Buck,” Peter blushes again, stepping out of the car. “Flowers, getting the car door for me all night, pulling out my seat at the restaurant… You really know how to woo a guy.”

“That’s what I was hoping for,” Bucky chuckles, holding out his arm for Peter to take. 

Peter does and he shuts the door behind himself. He leans up on his tippy toes and presses a quick kiss to Bucky’s lips. “It worked, consider me very much wooed.”

“That’s - that’s uh, good, yeah,” Bucky murmurs, a little dazed from the kiss. “What I wanted.”

“C’mon, Romeo, it’s getting cold out here,” Peter snickers, pulling Bucky’s arm towards the apartment building. 

They hold hands all the way up to Peter’s apartment, up until Peter needs to open the door with his key. Bucky very reluctantly lets go of his hand, and resists the urge to grab for it again once inside.

Peter flops onto the couch, kicking off his dress shoes and Bucky copies with the shoes and sets himself down next to him, almost shyly, keeping his distance a little. 

“Can I get you a glass of wine?” Peter asks, moving onto his side to face Bucky. “It’s this really cheap stuff but… I swear it’s not that bad.”

“Yeah, yeah that sounds good… thanks,” Bucky smiles down at him, turning so he can fully face Peter too. 

“Can I kiss you again first?” Peter asks, softer this time, a small, shy smile tugging on the corners of his lips.  

Bucky doesn’t say anything, instead he just swallows thickly before nodding in agreement. Peter maneuvers himself to sit up so he’s level with Bucky before pressing their lips together. It’s soft. Languid. Intoxicating . 

Kissing Peter is… different. It’s slow, unhurried, like they have all the time in the world. Peter is definitely letting Bucky set the pace, which he’s thankful for but he wants, no, needs more. 

“C’mere,” Bucky murmurs against Peter’s lips, a hand slipping up to cup his cheek, thumb brushing over Peter’s soft skin. The kid shivers. “Need you a lot closer than this, Pete.”

Peter pulls away, biting his bottom lip between his teeth so he can swing a leg over Bucky’s hips to straddle him. He brushes their noses against each other before kissing him again, licking into his mouth this time and making Bucky keen against him with the tiniest little gasp.

“Are you doin’ okay?” Peter asks, pulling away just enough to get the words out, Bucky can feel Peter’s breath against his lips and he’s so good . “Need to stop, slow down or anything?”

Bucky shakes his head, panting a little. “Nah, m’fine, Pete.”

“Yeah?” Peter asks again, a smile tugging at the side of his lips as he tangles his fingers in the hairs at the bottom of Bucky’s neck. 

“Mhm,” Bucky murmurs, eyes slipping closed as Peter’s blunt nails scrape his scalp. “That feels good.”

Peter laughs, a little breathless, rolling his hips to let Bucky feel how hard he’s getting. “Is this type of good okay?”

“Mhm,” Bucky hums, settling his hands on Peter’s hips, helping guide his movements as Peter moans quietly into his neck, nipping at the sensitive skin. He wraps an arm around Peter’s waist, pulling him closer. “I like you having this reaction to me.”

Peter giggles, biting Bucky’s bottom lip between his teeth and tugging gently. “Still okay?”

“Fuck, Pete,” Bucky sighs, realising that he’s hard too. When did that happen? Peter’s body feels so good against him. “M’fine, promise.”

“You’re hard too, aren’t you?” Peter asks, voice low and husky in his ear, running the tip of his nose down the side of Bucky’s face. It makes him shiver. 

He nods in reply, angling his hips upwards in a hope to let Peter feel his erection. By the way Peter gasps, he guesses he does. Bucky moves his arms to run up the sides of his hips, around and down to the swell of his ass. Peter groans, panting into the side of Bucky’s neck.

“I dunno about you, Buck, but I don’t think this is going to take much at all.” Peter jerks against him, his whole body trembling with want . Want for Bucky . “S’been a real long time and you’re so fuckin’ you . You drive me absolutely wild .”

Bucky’s shocked at the other man’s words, he tries to quickly formulate a sentence but instead, he moves to pet the back of his hair. He realises that yes, he’s hard, a lot harder than he can remember being in a very long time but he doesn’t feel the need to get off. He’s happy like this, to make out and draw those addictive little moans from Peter’s throat until he’s a shaking, quivering mess. 

“Check in with me, you’ve gone quiet…” Peter groans out, stalling his movements and Bucky doesn’t want him to stop.

“What, are you gonna cum like this?” Bucky asks, feeling a little braver. “In your underwear like a horny little teenager?”

Peter gasps again, moving to press his forehead against Bucky’s shoulder. “M’so close already, Bucky… please .”

“We’ve barely done anything,” Bucky coos in his ear, running a hand down his back. “Such a hair trigger, huh?”

“Mhm,” Peter whines, canting his hips to get more friction. “Like I said, s’been a while…”

“And because it’s fucking me , right?” Bucky murmurs, dropping his register and Peter almost outright fucking sobs . 

“Yes… yes…” Peter cries, shoving his face into Bucky’s neck. “You’re so fucking hot and beautiful and just so lovely . ”

Peter whimpers so softly like a kitten, moving to bite into Bucky’s shoulder through his polkadot dress shirt. His movements grow untimed, jerky and Bucky reckons he’s on the edge now. So, he helps him out a little, tilting his hips up and grinding back a little harder against him. 

“Buck - Bucky…” Peter moans, louder this time, it sends a thrill of arousal straight through Bucky. He’d forgotten what that felt like until now... “I’m - I’m gonna…”

“Yeah, Pete,” Bucky encourages softly, turning his head to pepper a few wet kisses into Peter’s hair and temple. “That’s it, c’mon you’re so fuckin’ gorgeous like this… always.”

Peter thrusts one more time before falling apart in Bucky’s arms, shaking uncontrollably, twitching through the aftershocks as he tries to regain control of his breathing. Bucky gives him a minute, brushing his fingers through the dark strands of hair for a long few moments. 

“Are you okay?” Bucky asks softly after a short while.   

“I’m so okay,” Peter laughs, pulling back from Bucky’s shoulder to kiss him quickly. “Do you - need me to, uh… since you didn’t?”

Bucky shakes his head. “I’m okay, I don’t - I’m not ready, I don’t think?”

Peter freezes, eyes wide as he stares at Bucky. “Bucky - I - I didn’t… I’m sorry - why didn’t you say anything!? Oh my god, I’m so sorry!”

“Hey, whoa, calm down now, breathe,” Bucky says, grabbing Peter’s face gently between his hands, pulling him in for a kiss. “I wanted to get you off, and would like to do that again. This… felt… really good, like really fucking good and I wasn’t uncomfortable at all. If I was, I would’ve told you or stopped. I’m just not ready for someone else to get me off, if that makes any sense at all?”

Peter takes a deep breath, searching Bucky’s face for any signs of discomfort or something he’s not telling him. “Are you sure?”

Bucky nods, smiling. “Pinkie swear, I’m all good. I wanted this, no regrets.” 

“Okay, okay, we… we’ll go a lot slower from now on, alright?” Peter sighs, eyeing him again. “I feel bad.”

“You have no reason to, I wanted this. If I didn’t, I couldn’t have faked it,” Bucky says, pulling him down and in for another kiss. “Does this mean we can go on another date, too?”

“Most definitely,” Peter grins, beginning to untangle himself from Bucky. “But I need to go and get cleaned up, this is not a pleasant feeling I have going on right now. Do you, uh, want to stay the night? It’s pretty late…”

“You don’t mind?” Bucky asks, taking Peter’s hand in his own.

“I did just offer,” Peter says, looking at him faux pointedly. “Morgan’s not back until dinnertime tomorrow so no awkward questions from the eight year old.” 

“Okay… yeah, sure,” Bucky agrees, smiling and pulling him back in for one more quick kiss. “Now, go shower or whatever you’re planning on doing, I wanna make out with you some more.”

“Okay, okay,” Peter grins, climbing off of him and waddling away. “Oh! Your wine, I forgot.”

“Ah Pete - Pete, it’s fine don’t worry about it, just go for a shower,” Bucky protests but he’s already in the kitchen, opening a cabinet to pull out a pair of wine glasses. 

Bucky’s heart stops when Peter takes the bottle from the fridge. It’s the wine. The same wine that he and Steve had their whole relationship, the same wine that caused Steve’s death... 

This is the first time Bucky’s admitted it wasn’t him that caused Steve’s death… His breath catches but there’s no time to swell because Peter’s quickly waddling back to him, a very full wine glass in hand. “Trust me, it’s good.”

And Bucky smiles despite himself because yeah, everything really is good.

Chapter Text

“Hello, Peter,” Bruce greets warmly, holding out a hand to shake. “What a pleasant surprise to see you!”

“I was in the neighbourhood and I wanted to pop in and say hey,” Peter smiles nervously, dropping Bruce’s hand and pulling his backpack tighter. “I have something to run by you, too, if you have the time?”

“For you? Of course, I’m free for the next little while. Step into my office,” Bruce grins, stepping aside to let Peter into his office. 

He goes inside and settles himself down onto the little couch. It brings back a flood of painful memories of when his dad died and Peter tries to choke back the feelings. 

Bruce closes the door and sets himself down behind his desk, smiling over at Peter. “So, what’s up, kiddo?”

“So, I don’t know if Bucky told you or not… I got permission to open another Cuddlehouse workshop.” Peter can’t help the smile tug at the corners of his lips. 

Bruce shakes his head but motions for Peter to continue. “Yeah, it’s on the other side of New York so Sam’s going to take charge of it for me. The opening is in a few weeks.”

“Oh, that’s such great news!” Bruce grins back at him and Peter fiddles with a stray thread on his jeans. “You always wanted to open more workshops across the city.”

Peter nods. “I, well, Bucky and I wanted to invite you to the opening. We’d be honoured if you would cut the ribbon and open the space for us.”

Bruce’s face scrunches as he sits back in his chair and Peter thinks maybe he’s offended him, but the other man shoves his glasses to balance on the top of his head as he wipes his eyes. Peter looks awkwardly to the floor, watching his beat up converse scuff against the carpet. 

“Peter… I’m so very honoured,” Bruce chokes out. “Are you… are you sure you want me to do it?”

“Can’t think of anyone better to do it, doc,” Peter grins over at him. “It’d mean so much to us.”

“Okay, okay, give me all of the details before you leave,” Bruce says softly, pushing his glasses back down to rest on the bridge of his nose. “I’ll clear my diary for the day.”

Peter nods shyly, the room falling into silence. It’s a little awkward and Peter should leave now that he’s asked Bruce what about opening the workshop...

But Bruce watches him closely for a few long moments as he runs his fingers through his hair. Being here is bringing a lot of old memories and feelings that Peter would rather forget. 

“You okay, Pete?” Bruce asks gently. “Was there something else you wanted to talk about, maybe?”

“I just wanted to apologise for everything. I started ignoring appointments, pushing them back… I wasted your time…” Peter begins, tears gathering in his eyes. “I got so caught up in looking after Morgan and opening Cuddlehouse… Trying to be everything everyone needed me to be… and I let you down.”

Bruce nods, understanding and Peter wants to curse at him for being so… so fucking lovely about all of it. He definitely does not deserve Bruce’s forgiveness. 

“Peter, you were, what, twenty three when I started seeing you in an official capacity?” Bruce sighs. “You had just lost your father, you were thrown in the deep end looking after a toddler , you took on the weight of the damn world on those shoulders.” 

Peter nods, eyes darting from Bruce to the floor as he wipes his nose. “I don’t regret any of that… with Morgan...”

“I know you don’t, you just had a lot going on,” Bruce smiles. “And you know I was close with your father… I don’t know if I could’ve kept seeing you before I processed the loss of him.”

Peter looks back at him, tears now falling freely from his eyes. “Yeah?”

Bruce nods. “Tony’s loss affected everyone, Pete.” 

“Yeah,” Peter whispers, digging the heels of his palms into his eyes. “He was so loved, I wish he knew how much love and support he had around him.”

Bruce stands, picking up a box of tissues off of his desk and settling himself down next to Peter on the couch. Peter takes one of the tissues and blows his nose, murmuring a very quiet thank you to Bruce.  

“You know, Pete,” Bruce begins, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. “I have a space opening to take on a new patient in a few weeks, if you want to try again. Even if not with me, I can give you a number for someone else.”

“Can I - can I think about it?” Peter murmurs, looking over at the therapist.

“Of course you can, no rush,” Bruce said, rubbing his shoulder. “I just wanted to let you know that there are options for you, if you choose.”

“Thank you, Bruce,” Peter smiles. “I appreciate it. Buck’s doing so well and I’m so proud of him, of course, he’s come so far and he deserves it so much after everything he’s been through in the past three years… I just see him achieving all of this and I just… want it too ?”

“And that’s perfectly understandable and valid ,” Bruce reassures, squeezing his shoulder. 

It’s a Thursday, early evening, the sun’s still shining. Their new workshop space is opening and Peter’s never felt so fucking lucky. 

There’s a small crowd gathered outside of the new space, some familiar faces and some new that have heard about it through social media. 

Peter looks out into the crowd and his eyes zone in on Morgan balanced on Mj’s shoulders, she’s clapping the loudest already and Peter’s heart swells. Rhodey’s there, too, next to Ned, clapping and grinning like a madman while Ned wipes a few years from his eyes. Peter turns back, wrapping an arm around Bucky’s thick waist, pulling him in closer and smiles up at him, welcoming a small peck to the lips. 

“I’m so proud of you, sweetheart,” Bucky says softly, brushing their noses together.  “You deserve this so much.”

“I love you,” Peter murmurs, unable to control the tug of a smile on the corners of his lips. He kisses Bucky quickly again. “I couldn’t have done any of it this last year without you.”

“Shh. I love you,” Bucky grins, kissing him once again. Peter’s almost embarrassed, they’re in public and it feels like they’re almost making out but Bucky’s lips are just so addictive .

They’re broken apart when Sam approaches with a pair of ridiculously oversized scissors and hands them to Bruce, sporting his usual gap-toothed grin. Peter tears himself from Bucky’s side and steps up to the microphone next to Bruce.

“Before I let Doctor Banner open up our new space, I just wanted to say a few words,” Peter says, trying to ignore the trembling in his hands. “First of all, I’d like to thank my wonderful boyfriend, Bucky, for supporting me. Second of all, I’d like to thank Sam, one of my closest friends I’ve met through doing the workshops, for taking this one on and becoming the manager... Doctor Banner for his unwavering support and agreeing to open the space for us. And lastly, thank you to all of my family and friends, you guys and this workshop mean more to me than you’ll ever know.”

Bruce cuts the ribbon and everyone cheers, Morgan and Rhodey being the absolute loudest. Peter feels himself blush while Bucky whoops behind him too. 

Inside, Peter’s laid out a little buffet and some drinks for people to help themselves while they learn about the workshop. Sam’s already mingling with a few patrons, smiling and laughing. 

 He’s so fucking lucky to be surrounded by such good people.