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She wasn’t sure as to what she was expecting today.
Well, that was a lie. She knew what she was expecting, knew what she wanted, but she wasn’t sure as to why she had expectations when everything went down the same year after year. You’d assume that she knew better by now than to wait for someone to say something, much less for someone to give her anything today. It wasn’t her birthday or anything. It wasn’t like she did anything big or jaw dropping, either- she just..
It didn’t count to everyone else, did it?
Stephanie swallowed down the bitter taste in her mouth, nails digging into the palms of her gloved hands. She could hardly feel it, because of the gloves, but maybe it was the thought that counts. Shouldn’t the thought have counted with her? Shouldn’t they have still told her something anyway?
Well, yeah, she didn’t tell everyone about her pregnancy, but there were people that still knew! Plus, she knew for a fact half of the bats read up on her personal file for whatever reason- they had to have known.
So why wasn’t anyone telling her anything? Why wasn’t anyone giving her anything?
God, she knew it was selfish to think like that, but Stephanie gave up her baby just for the chance that she might have a better life with someone else. Without having to worry about a druggy grandma and a criminal grandpa. Without having to be bullied for her mom being a teen, without having to deal with not having a father in her life. Staying in her care would’ve been terrible for her baby, but even so, the day she gave her up was heartbreaking.
Even from the beginning, she knew what she had to do. She couldn’t go through with the abortion due to self guilt, but she also knew that she couldn’t keep her baby if she went through with this. There was only one option available, and she knew that.
Knowing doesn’t stop attachment, she finds after the end of her term.
Could you blame her? She went through everything with the little baby that grew and grew inside of her. Sickness, cravings, first kicks- While it wasn’t walking or talking, it was still something so marvelous and awe inspiring to have another human being grow inside of you. She grew attached to the little bean that made it hard for her to work and bend over, even when it was a pain in the ass to do things she did easily before. Even with how tiring it was, even with all the ugly looks she got because of her age.
Fuck sakes, she loved her baby, and she had to give her away.
She remembers the day so painfully well. Sometimes she wishes she didn’t, sometimes she cherishes it because it was the first time she heard her baby, her baby girl. The last time she was with her baby (that she knew of, but she didn’t like to think like that. It already hurt enough as is).
The painful feeling that overtook her completely as nurses and the doctor urged her to push, to keep pushing. How she crushed Tim’s hand in a grip so tight that she had to apologize for the next day. Screaming out in pain, in sorrow.
Her baby was coming, but she wasn’t ready- she wasn’t ready to say goodbye.
Nine months. Nine whole months of having this tiny human being inside of her body, making her act out in ways she normally wouldn’t have. Thinking about what the little one would be like when they grew up, laughing and crying with Tim when he kicked him really hard while they were cuddling. What was there after that? There would be no more baby to dote over or whisper to at night, because that baby was never hers. The baby inside of her womb was never meant to be her baby, but someone else’s, because from the very beginning she knew that living in the Brown residence would be hell. It was unfair, so unfair, and it made her wish for better times. Better circumstances. A world where she wouldn’t have to give up her baby and could raise her, love her, be her mom.
No matter how much she wanted to hold onto them any longer, the baby came out with a loud wail.
The doctor sighed, smiling- she could tell from his voice- as he cleaned up her baby and checked them.
“ It’s a healthy baby girl.”
Her heart broke, and she sobbed, because- because that was her baby he was holding, the baby that she wanted so damn bad, the baby that she wanted to love just like her mom loved her before everything went to shit. Tim frowned, awfully alarmed as he reached out to comfort her. Instead, she turned her head away and covered her face with her hand, taking deep breaths as she forced herself to find the will to talk, no matter how much she wanted not to.
Stephanie immediately made it known that she wanted to sign the baby up for adoption, and that she didn’t want to grow attached to her baby. If she needed to take care of the baby for a few days, a week, then fine. She could play nanny and take care of her while she waited for her real parents to swoop in and take her somewhere better than here.
The nurses looked at her with something that could’ve only been pity, and it was taking everything not to yell at them to stop.
They sorted through it all, and the last thing she was able to do was give her precious baby girl a kiss on her forehead before they took her away, maybe to the nursery or something. It was then that she broke into tears, breaking down without a care in the world as to who was there in the room with her. They took her baby away, they took her baby away- and she let them. She told them to. She was a lousy mother that couldn’t take care of her own child, sending her away to an orphanage that could abuse her, to possible shitty parents that could kill her, do horrible things to her. The screaming cries that echoed from the infant as they took her away didn’t help, only making her want to take everything back and swear to whatever God she needed to that she’d make it work. That she’d make it all work.
But that was just a pretty white lie she was telling herself, and she knew deep down that this was the best thing to do in this situation. It didn’t stop it from hurting, and it definitely didn’t make her feel any better. Tim reached over to comfort her, but she turned away, wanting to just.. sleep. All of this crying and chest aching was making her exhausted.
Even now, the memory still makes her heart hurt and her eyes water. She takes a deep breath, glancing at the big clock nearby as it clicks, loud ringing bells signifying that it was now twelve o’ clock. Midnight.
May tenth.
Stephanie Brown- Batgirl, right now- looks up at the dark and cloudy sky that covered dead stars and a shining moon, a batsymbol piercing through the darkness and making it known that someone was in the need of her help right now.
She sighs softly, sniffing as she lifts her cowl a bit and wipes away stray tears, hopping up to her feet.
“ Happy Mother’s Day, Steph. “