Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It was surprisingly easy to fall into step with this minor step back.

Well, no shit it’s easy. You’re supposed to be staying in bed for however long Doctor Maheswaran wants you to be. The only other place you’re allowed to go is the bathroom.

But you could do without the staring.

Which Yellow’s been doing for a while now that you wisely ignore, as you flipped to another page of the book you’re reading.

She’s taken to doing that every single time she’s “stationed” at your bedside. Just staring at you for as long as she deems necessary, look at someplace else in your room or outside the window for a brief moment, then go right back to staring at you.

Well, at least she’s not as distracting as White…

And that is, unfortunately, a very low bar.

“You haven’t been sleeping.”

You tensed up for a moment at Yellow’s voice, still unused to hearing her actually talk to you. “I sleep sometimes,” you retorted simply.

“When we’re not here.”

Your lips pressed together slightly, still fixing your attention more on your book. Which you haven’t turned the page of for an inappropriately long time.

Yellow sighed, the chair she’s sitting on moving when she starts to get up. “I’ll avoid anyone who might see me leave, so no one will question—”

“Stay.”

You only realized you said the word out loud when you notice Yellow staring at you with her eyes a bit wider than before. And you immediately shifted your gaze away from her. “I don’t mind you staying,” you admitted, more to yourself than her.

Eventually, Yellow sat back down, except now she has her elbows to her knees, leaning your way for a bit while her eyes were piercing—no, not piercing. There’s a certain softness that wasn’t there before.

Beseeching?

Aaaaaand I’m looking again. Damn it.

“You look tired, Human,” she said gently. “You need to sleep. It'll help quicken your recovery.”

You scoffed, sharply turning away from her to curl on your side, still holding the book open as if you have any intention to read more of it. “You think I don’t know that?”

You heard Yellow take a deep breath before sighing. “I can tell something is bothering you, Elise.” Up to now, you find yourself still…weirded out every time any of them say your name. “If you tell me what’s wrong, perhaps I can find a way to help—”

“I’m not a child, you know.”

At her pause, you only burrowed more to your pillow, slightly tugging your blanket higher.

“Of course I know that,” she tried to placate, and it still feels wrong and out of place and you don’t know why.

“Then quit talking to me like I am one,” you bite out, anger suddenly spiking and fueling your words. “So what if I can’t sleep? I’ll deal with it on my own. It’s not like this is the first time it happened to me—”

“What is?”

You clapped your book shut. “The nightmares!” It was proving to be a hard task to not raise your voice. “You’re wondering why I can’t sleep? It’s because of that and it’s nothing new and I’ll get over it. Just like last time.” Pulling your blanket up to cover your head became the end of discussion. “So butt out and let me deal with it on my own.”

If you were able to do it before, then who’s to say you can’t now.

Right?

“You’re so selfish.”

The harshness in her voice was familiar territory.

You want it to stay that way.

“You told us to never be afraid to tell you whatever's bothering us,” she went on, each note strung tight. “And yet here you are. Do you think we’re incapable of understanding your human trivialities?”

“Human trivialities”, huh.

Now, that? That is gold.

That is a fucking goldmine, right there.

At your sharp intake of breath, you shoved down the covers to sit up, glare fiercely meeting her neutral stare that grates on your nerves.

“If I’m so selfish, then what are you?” you hissed, a snake circling its prey. “Why take the time off to “help” a selfish human like me, huh? Oh, wait. I know.” Your mouth drew back into a sharp grin, nearly a snarl that only caused her to narrow her eyes, burning in molten gold. “It’s to make you feel good about yourself. Isn’t it? Still want to be in good graces with Steven for what you and Blue did?”

There was not a drop of smug victory inside you when she bristled, thin lines of sparks flickering across her shoulders, before she stamped a gloved hand on the bed and surged forward to take you by surprise.

But you didn’t.

You easily met her glare, even when the tip of her nose is nearly touching yours, even when heat is starting to seep in underneath the sheets, her gloved hand just a couple of inches from your hip.

“How dare you?” Her voice was trembling, barely able to hold herself back from roaring at you. You can tell she’s almost there, though, when her hand clenched on the bed, clutching the sheets tightly in her fist. “I’m here because of you, you miserable twit.”

WHY ?

It was a question that’s been clogging up your brain for so long now. It was a question you’ve been wanting to yell at their faces for so long.

But you’re scared.

Of what, you don’t know.

Do you even want to know why you’re so scared?

Or are you afraid of that, too?

“Hey, bud, I got you some…”

Azura was a welcome distraction, a reason for you to finally turn away from Yellow and that look she’s piercing into you. Even when she lets go of the bed to stand up, you didn’t look at her as her heeled boots clicked on the floor swiftly.

But Azura did. And she was the only one who noticed that exact second when Yellow blinked a lot faster before she storms out of your room.

“I think,” she spoke, after a tense beat of silence. “You two need this ice cream more than I do.”

It only made you scowl. “Ugh, whatever.” You held out a hand to her. “Just give me the thing.”

She stared at you, before tilting her head, even going so far as to cup a hand around her ear. “What’s the magic word?”

Are you fucking—

“Now,” you bit out.

Only a thoughtful hum was given to you instead of the bowl of ice cream. “I dunno,” Azura mused. “Last I heard, bratty punks don't get ice cream.”

That is it.

You tried snatching it from her, but she just held it farther from your reach. To your abundant frustration, that jackass seemed to be fucking enjoying herself.

And whatever string of patience you still had, snapped.

“Give me the goddamn ice cream!” you finally yelled.

Her quirked brow and growing smirk made you see red. “Or what?” she taunted. “You’ll pummel me with your plushies?”

Heat washed over you at the jab. Last time you did that was an emotional and vulnerable moment for you, and she knows it, goddammit! Your mouth drew into a vicious snarl once your hand found the book – a hardbound, four-hundred-paged book. “This has your face written all over it, you ass—”

“Kids.”

Both of you stopped short, only to glance back to see Mom’s unreadable face, standing by the doorway.

Oh boy.

Despite her size, she has no problem waddling over in one swift move to deliver a smack at the back of Azura’s head, unfazed by her squawking. “Stop riling your sister up. And you.”

Not missing a beat, you ducked your head just as she reaches over to give you a hard thump. Ow. “Your friends are just trying to help you, so stop pushing them away.”

Damn, she went straight for the kill, huh.

You tried to reason with her, but she’s not having any of it. “Whether you like it or not, those nice Gems are part of our family now.” Her eyes narrowed, and your excuses died out. “Me and the others already accepted them at this point, so it would be a shame if we learn they gave up coming here because of a certain someone. It would break your mother and I’s hearts to have that happen!”

Oh, twist the knife deeper, will you?

“Yes. Very heartbreaking,” you muttered, thoroughly cowed by the force of nature that is your mom.

Pleased, her usual kindhearted demeanor returned with an easy smile and warm eyes. “Good!” She wordlessly asked for the bowl of ice cream from Azura so she can hand it over to you herself. “Have some of this, sweetheart. Yellow has been keeping you from eating anything but “healthy” meals for so long. No harm in having a treat, right?”

Soften the blow by giving a piece offering.

Very smart of her.

You gingerly take the bowl from her. “Thanks, Mom.”

She gave you a pat on the same spot she thumped your head earlier, before waddling out of your room with a lighthearted hum.

And you and Azura were left staring at the door when it closed behind her.

“Mood swings,” she stated.

You nodded solemnly, finally eating a spoonful of the cold dessert. “Mood swings,” you agreed through your mouthful.

…

Three knocks on the door.

Before you can even finish saying “come in”, your visitor already pushed it open.

White’s dazzling grin never stopped getting you to both tense up and feel at ease at the same time. If it’s any more possible, being around White may just be the most confusing to be with out of all three of them.

For you, anyway.

“Stardust!” she cheered, sauntering her way in typical White manner. What’s different now, though, is she has something hidden behind her. “Have I told you how nice it is to see your face?”

Yup, you always do.

You let out a meek sound reminiscent of your chuckle. And you completely missed how she seemed to falter because of it while she’s nearby your bedside. “I may have forgotten all about it,” you returned, light and easy.

Her gaze became lidded, her grin slowly being filled with mischief when she bent down and started leaning closer. “Well, I wouldn’t mind telling you again and again—”

But you drew back before she could do anything.

And all you can hear is your heart picking up speed as both of you processed what just happened, heat beginning to take over your face.

“What do you have there!” You internally cringed into eternity over how panicked you sounded. In a rush to set the air back into its normal – friendly – pace. Where nobody keeps going back to a kiss that never happened.

Nope.

None of that.

Oh God, this is hurting me physically. Is that even possible?

“I…” White cleared her throat (thank God) as she finally sat down with a polite distance between you two. “I noticed Steven’s human friend come by sometimes with flowers. And…” She mustered a strained smile. “Since we’re friends, I thought of doing the same?”

Why that’s phrased as a question, you’ll never know.

So, instead, you focused on the white bouquet of blooms she finally revealed to you.

A much more genuine smile curled on your lips, lightly tracing one of the flowers' pitcher-like petals. “You didn’t have to do this, you know,” you reminded her, like so many times before.

And just like those times, she waved you off. “I know.” It was noticeable how much she relaxed when she said it.

Because both of you found your footing once again.

Gently, you brought the bouquet to your chest once she held it for you, and you tried to ignore how her hands twitched when your fingers grazed hers for that brief second.

“Thank you.” Suddenly, something fluttering inside your chest urged you to hid your smile behind the flowers. “I really like them. A lot.”

That soft look she’s giving you is familiar. That warmth flipping inside your stomach is familiar. The way she tucks a lock of your hair behind your ear, her nails grazing your cheek, all of them are familiar.

Should you stop?

“More than those flowers Steven’s friend would give you?” she lilted.

You let out a puff of air that sounds a lot closer to your laugh. Something that made her light up as you shake your head a bit. “I’m not saying I’m picking favorites, but…” You paused for that good old dramatic tension, and your smile grew when she seems to be waiting for more. “Connie does give me blue flowers.”

Despite her exaggerated groan, you went on, your smile continuing to grow until it became a grin, “And you know blue’s my favorite color. Right?”

“In my humble opinion, white is far better than blue or yellow.” She moved closer to lean against your side, perching her cheek on top of your head.

You elbowed her playfully. “Are we still talking about colors or…?”

“Take it whichever way you want to, Stardust.”

As you giggled to yourself, the thought of how much you missed this came over you, sitting warmly inside your stomach.

“I…” Tentatively, she wrapped an arm around your back, just holding your elbow to pull you closer to her minutely. “I missed you.”

Just like that, you stopped laughing.

Just like that, the lighthearted, friendly air became mute. Stifling.

For that brief moment, it felt good to not think of anything else except the now. None of what happened before to have that “lighthearted, friendly air” suddenly look so far away.

Unreachable.

You started to move away from White, and she lets you.

You pinned your attention more on the bouquet instead of her, and she lets you.

You sat there in tense silence.

And she lets you.

Simply watching over you, with a depth in her eyes that you wouldn’t be able to comprehend even if you saw it.

“Have you seen Yellow?” you suddenly asked, quiet and painfully unsure.

Moving away, that polite distance made its way home between you once more. She folds her hands on her lap, back straightening. “No, I don’t think I have,” she said. “Did something happen?”

You became smaller at this, head dropping lower as you listlessly thumbed a flower petal. “It’s my fault.” You were saying that mostly to the flowers with how soft your voice got. “I made her mad.”

Something twisted in White’s chest. Maybe it’s because of that tremor in your words, or how much you seemed to be caving in on yourself. You were always so headstrong – so stubborn – with that bright grin and confident stance.

It hurts.

It’s hurting her to see you so…broken. Pieces of that fierce stubbornness she grew to familiarize herself with you scattered and far apart.

Is it even possible to put them all back together?

She shakes herself off from her somber musings.

Right at this moment – and for as long as you need it – she has to help you.

Because you’re her Stardust.

Her Light.

With clear hesitation, she reaches down to cover your hand with hers. Just having it there, as she lightly strokes the side of it, right by your thumb. “Perhaps she’s upset,” she told you, gentle. “But not mad. And even if she is, I don’t think it will last very long.”

As fierce as Yellow’s temper is known to be, it always did leave as quickly as it formed. A raging tempest leaving still, flat waters in its wake.

Especially when it comes to Blue, or White.

Or you.

“It doesn’t matter.” She feels your hand clench into a fist. “I still made her mad. Or upset. Whatever it is, I made her that way.”

Ah, there’s the stubbornness…

“If we’re being honest, I think we upset you plenty of times before, too.” The Rose Quartzes' “visit” in your room is one she remembers at the top of her head. “Does that make any difference?”

“Of course that’s different,” you immediately shot back. “You didn’t even realize you were making me upset! I knew what I was doing because I—”

Want Yellow to be upset…?

Your eyes popped open, the thought coming to you so unexpectedly before it instantly drops down the pit of your stomach.

Why would you want her to be upset with you—?

Stop it. Stop playing dumb.

You already know the answer. You already know the answer, but something stops you from saying it out loud.

(Maybe it’s because you know White won’t accept it. Will never accept that answer, even when you believe in it so much it’s killing you inside.)

“If you tell me what’s wrong, perhaps I can find a way to help—”

“Look at us as you “apologize”.”

The squeeze around your hand was coaxing and gentle, but it still made you startle, nearly crushing the flowers to your chest.

And White’s looking at you with wide – worried – eyes.

Great.

“Where did you get these flowers again?”

Her brows furrowed slightly at the jarring transition. “I didn’t,” she said, clearly uncertain.

She didn’t? Must’ve slipped your mind, then.

It’s been doing a lot of that lately.

“Ah. Well!” You plastered on a grin, holding up the bouquet. “Mind telling me where you got these? There wouldn’t happen to be white lilies on another planet, right?”

It was obvious how unconvinced she is by your display when she’s already reaching out for you with a soft, “Elise, please talk to—”

But you only shake your head no, hiding your faltering smile in the flowers, drawing away from her.

So she holds herself back.

“I found them here, actually,” she was able to force out, hiding her concern beneath a thick layer of lighthearted musing. As if she was simply talking about how nice the day is outside. “At the back. There were more flowers planted there, but these caught my eye.”

Slowly, that look of a cornered animal went away to be replaced by mild confusion. It was real, for a change.

“But…that’s where my dad’s garden is…” you muttered to yourself, deep in thought. The way you frown and that wrinkle on your nose were familiar.

And it would’ve been comical, the way your eyes popped wide open as realization sets in.

“Oh, my God, White, you took these from my dad’s garden.”

Just as you said that, you could hear a faint cry of anguish downstairs.

Perfect timing. As always.

…

“I still don’t understand why we’re here.”

Her grumbling earned her an eye-roll. “You plucked those flowers, so it’s only fair you return them,” you said for, what, the sixth time this entire morning? A disdainful noise left her ebony lips, a grimace twisting her features to complete her look of disgust.

Oh, and let’s not forget how she just had to shift away her sheer skirt and starry cape “to keep them from being stained by this planet’s muck”.

She’s the perfect partner in gardening, that’s for damn sure.

“This is so pointless,” she whined, helplessly gesturing at the flower bush with visibly cut stems poking from the leaves. “Why would anyone leave these organics outside – unguarded, if I may add – and not expect them to be taken?”

“White, this is a family garden. Why would any of us even think of picking them when they're just hiding back here?”

As you’re occupied in prepping everything both of you will need, you can already hear her pouting beside you without looking. “Ugh, how can you even say they’re “hiding” when they’re out here in plain sight?”

You open your mouth to argue, thought about it some more, and shrugged, instead. “I guess you got a point there,” you conceded, before bumping against her side, a tiny smile on your face as you peered up at her and that frown she has on that’s slowly getting softer by the second. “But my dad really worked hard on these, so…”

Just like that, her frown came back at full-force. “If he did, then why isn’t he in your place right now?” she pointed out, voice unknowingly sharp and heated.

And you paused, lowering the flower buds you’re holding but not turning to look at her. You’re worried she might see the hurt you’re trying to reel in. “I can leave if you don’t want me here,” you said in a light, casual tone to soften your words.

Hey, you don’t blame her. Your dad knows a lot more about gardening than you do. Hell, you won’t be surprised if he knows all of the gardening tricks there is, just stashed away under his sleeve.

But, you know, it did kind of sting since repairing a plant only needs a flint and a tape. It doesn’t take rocket science or years of honing a green thumb to do this—

“I never wanted you to leave.”

Silence — thick and painfully awkward — reared its ugly head between you two because of how...loaded that statement is.

And, honestly? You have no idea what to say about that.

Lucky for you, White lets out a tense sigh, fingers drumming on her thigh as she gathered her thoughts. “You’re supposed to be resting, Stardust,” she said, voice close to a whisper that you wouldn't be able to hear if you're not right next to her. “Not here where you might strain yourself and—” a shiver wracked down her frame as she practically spat out, “—stars forbid, get yourself all muddy.”

Oh, my God, first Yellow, now White? You’ve always known they have a protective streak from what happened with Holly Blue months ago, but this?

“I’m not going to shatter into a million pieces when I take one step outside, White,” you insisted, unable to hide your disbelief from your even voice. “Just because I’ve been stuck in bed for a while doesn’t mean I’m fragile. Just, you know, rusty on the—”

“No. I don’t know.”

When you think of White, you see her dazzling grins, hear her boisterous and overly familiar proclamations, know the soft pink on her cheeks she used to sport around you so long ago is her way of expressing that precious vulnerability.

You’ve never heard her use this kind of voice before. Empty, yet unlike the way she used to muse to herself when she hid herself away inside her head. Flat, a stark contrast to every change in lilt or note that can already hold so many meanings underneath.

The ground disappeared from beneath your knees, leaving you suspended in thin air.

And you don’t know what to do.

“I don’t know how you humans manage all of this.” Your lips pursed. Hearing her call you human – knowing the deep, vast drop of difference between you two grow wider – did little to ease the pit in your stomach. “How you cope with…” Her hands curled into fists on her lap. “How you cope with something so…so life-changing. How you move out of it when I’m still coming to terms that we failed to—”

Her mouth snapped shut, gaze dropping to her hands after chancing a glance your way.

Tired.

You look so tired.

Whatever amount of shine you accumulated these past few days flickered away, like a dying star on its last dregs of gas, and she curses herself for it.

Especially when the memory of you being so…wary around her earlier still sits fresh in the forefront of her mind.

“I don’t know what I’m doing.”

Your voice was so quiet it made her think you’re talking to the flowers, instead.

Pointless things, those flowers. Yet here you are talking to them like they matter more to you than her—

Guilt flashed through her, much more blinding and painful than the last, before she shuts down that train of thought.

Of all times to be jealous…

How embarrassing.

Just as she was about to stew in this tense silence, her gaze got drawn to the bush, only littered by young, unopened buds and cut stems…

Her back straightened, visibly perking up at the idea that zipped through her magnificent mind before she set her shoulders.

Determined, she reaches for one of the flowers she picked and recalled the brief outline you gave earlier. Lining up the stems should be easy, what’s not is the tape.

This stupid tape that she’s not entirely sure how to use. Does she slip the flower through its hole for it to mend? Is there a button she needs to press to activate?

“What are you doing?”

The hint of lighthearted incredulity in your question was promising, so she kept herself busy with the tape, peeking through the hole to look at you and your tiny smile. “I don’t know, either,” she hummed, both flippant yet careful at the same time. “Didn’t you say you have an idea how to repair these flowers? I propose you teach me, so I would know how to get this contraption,” she shakes the roll of tape between her fingertips, “to work, for star’s sake.”

For a moment, you just stared at her like a tree grew on top of her head.

Then, you blinked. And another blink. And another.

Until you have to turn away from her to face the flowerbed instead of watching that thoughtful look she has on grow softer each second she gazes at you.

“M—My—” You cleared your throat to get that tremor in your voice out. “My dad showed me how to do it since he, um, since he would leave for seminars for days a few times. He gave me and Az a crash course in case him and the moms need to leave together.”

As your hands were busy with the tape – so that’s how to use it – you told her about whatever anecdote you have about your dad and gardening and she doesn’t really care too much about the topic—

But here she was, hanging onto every word that leaves your mouth, even as you ask her to hold the flower onto a cut stem because she has “steady hands”.

The way you keep brushing against her arm was at war with her desire to focus on your voice. Being distracted is out of the question, after all!

While you were now taping a makeshift splint around the stem, your anecdote somehow moving into a tutorial for your company to follow along, White was smiling the whole time before her gaze wandered to the house, for some reason.

And that reason showed itself to be Yellow.

She was heaving slightly, White noted to herself, a few errant sparks still running across her torso and limbs. Whatever fit she had earlier seems to be gone.

At least most of it.

White only realized her smile completely got wiped away when you gave her arm a pat, followed by a triumphant exclamation over one of the flowers being “good as new!”

After pinning Yellow with one last glance, White popped on a smile and cooed at your victory.

Despite the happy sight, something clenched inside Yellow’s gem, bitter and resentful.

She knows she shouldn't be feeling this way — stars, it's been so long since she last saw you smile — but the thought of it only made that bitterness crawl higher, that resentment pricking her gem on all sides.

Seeing as how she’s not needed here any longer, she turned on her heel.

Warping out of here is a temptation she yearns to have. But, as her whole life is made out of irony after irony, the warp pad is right by where you are.

It would be wise to wait for you two to finish whatever in the universe you were doing. She’s in no mood to deal with any of this mess—

“Hey.”

Her stalking off paused, but she doesn’t turn around to look.

Swaying idly from the porch swing, Azura’s spoon clinked against her bowl when she scooped up some ice cream. “She kept rolling off the bed, you know,” she started out of the blue, wholly conversational, like she's simply talking about the weather. “I can hear her falling on the floor. See, my room’s next to hers.”

She ate her treat, its sweetness doing nothing to the harsh cold encompassing her chest. “So you could imagine what I can hear from where I’m at. Her crying about the gravity, begging it to stop so she can go look for you.” Swallow the ice cream. Gloved fists clenched tight. “All sorts of things are playing tricks on her in her sleep. Figured telling you this might help you whip something up, eh?”

The breeze that swept past Azura held a tinge of sulfur.

Without saying anything, Yellow proceeded in her way, her pace much calmer than before as she went to the tree line and her figure got swallowed by the thick trunks.

Azura can’t help but roll her eyes, eating another spoonful while she though about imitation being the best form of flattery.

God, who even gets flattered by the silent treatment?

Honestly, you and Yellow might butt heads against each other but you two are so the same it’s getting hilarious.

Well, it would be hilarious if it’s not so goddamn frustrating.

Letting out a sigh, she closed her eyes as her seat swayed with the wind.

Chapter Text

You were running.

Even when your lungs were screaming in every ragged breath you push out—

Even when every cell in your limbs were protesting, begging for rest—

You ran.

“Have I made you feel I don’t listen to you?”

That voice enveloped you, pressing down on you from every side, leaving you cold with anger that froze your insides down to sub-zero—

But you kept pumping your legs. Why do they feel so slow?

Why doesn’t it feel like you’re going anywhere?

Stuck in place, with flashes of color and sensation and that crushing pressure—

Movemovemovemove.

Keep running.

But where will you go?

“I wish forgiving you was as easy as you telling us how sorry you are.”

Forgiveness. So easy to say, but too difficult to hand over.

You understand. Up to now, you can’t say you forgive yourself, either.

Maybe you never will.

“She is not our light!”

Keep running.

“And you are nothing more but a speck to us.”

Keep running.

“But…you’re my family, too.”

You run. And run. And run.

There's nowhere left for you to go.

You’re suspended in air.

Until, gravity swooped low.

And the abyss swallowed your descent—

Shock replaced the generous concern in Blue’s eyes when you rolled off the bed, landing on the floor with a painful thud.

You’ve been mumbling in your sleep minutes ago, mouth forming words she can’t decipher as you writhe.

She can see a thin sheet of sweat building on your pinched face, and she tried soothing you.

But she froze, just as you let out a pained whimper and twisted away from her, clutching your stomach.

You were cold to the touch.

Her stare became near-desperate, as she forced herself to lean back and watch over you, instead. Willing herself to believe you’re not…

To believe you’re here. On Earth, in your quaint Earth room.

In your home.

Her hands clenched into fists at the thought, something ugly and – although she’s loathe to admit – petty pouring into her stomach until it made her feel uncomfortably full because she still remembers the casual way you called the palace home, too. How normal it sounded from your tongue.

How perfect it was, like you were always meant to call it that.

Is it selfish to keep wanting to hear that again? To adorn every bit of the palace to your taste, in the hopes you’ll even consider it as your home again?

Succumbing to her conflict, she failed to notice you shooting off in a single spasm until it’s too late.

Hastily, guilt overwhelmed every bit of thought she had as she dropped to a kneel next your twitching heap on the floor.

“You’re safe, my love,” she whispered to your ear over the whimpers and groans streaming through your dried lips. You’re still asleep. She’s torn between feeling relieved by it and that unyielding frustration for not being more helpful. “I’m right here. You’re safe. You’re safe, my light. You’re safe…”

Again and again, comfort was something she lavished you in generously, even as she held you in her arms, even as she decided to indulge in her selfishness when she cradled you close, even as she pulled away – however reluctant she may be – to lower you back in bed.

Her fingers made their way up your hair to tuck them away, a sigh leaving her now that you seem to be gradually relaxing.

It’s a miracle to find you sleeping these days. Her visits at night are growing too far apart when she can still hear you moving around from outside the door.

And when you do sleep, you’re plagued with these awful nightmares.

She remembers how shaken up White was with hers so long ago. And she wonders how in the universe can you still manage to return to normal with how many nightmares you had by now?

It’s horrible, watching you be trapped inside your head.

Because, for all the power she has as a Diamond, she’s helpless to matters like this.

She wishes she can do more. She wishes she can heal your mind the way you did with them. She wishes for so many things that are far from her fingertips.

Because what can a coward like her do, when all she’s able to make do is sneak into the night and watch over you without your knowing?

She spared a glance to your communicator sitting on the shelf, and sighed.

A couple more hours before you wake up, then it’s back to Homeworld for her.

Delightful.

Begrudgingly, she moved to stand up, her movements slow and quiet as she lets go of—

Your hand held onto hers.

Time froze in this room, as she stared at your face with growing dread.

But you don’t open your eyes, still oblivious to the world.

Still, Blue decided it’s wise not to allow herself ease. If you wake up with her in the room after so many weeks without any amount of interaction whatsoever, who knows how you’ll react?

Well, she already has an idea, and the thought of troubling you even more as it is convinced her to gently pry your fingers off her hand.

The tiny whine you made at the back of your throat bombarded her so quickly with familiarity her breath got caught, barely able to hide the soft glow her gem emitted until she chastised herself for being silly.

You can’t see her, so why go through the trouble of hiding?

“Blue…”

Her eyes popped wide open at your sleepy murmur, even more so when you pulled at her hand.

A small frown tugged at the corners of your mouth, another noise escaping as you gave her hand another weak, unconscious attempt. “Don’t…” Whatever it is you’re about to say got muffled by the pillow your head is resting on.

It would be wise to move away now that you returned to your sleep.

It would be wise to pretend none of this ever happened.

It would be wise to do all of those things.

But…

Without letting go, Blue shuffled her seat closer to the bed before sitting back down, her lips trembling from the way that frown melted away into something reminiscent to contentment while you held her hand close to your face.

Perhaps…she could stay for a while longer.

Selfish, selfish, selfish.

Chapter Text

Something woke you up.

Oddly enough, it’s not because of that immense pressure crushing you into the floor, or the overwhelming bite of that horrible, all-encompassing coldness dulling your senses.

It’s a nice change from the usual.

A warm hand rested on your head, placating your sleepy wondering. “I apologize for waking you, Human,” Yellow murmured, still petting you. “Go back to sleep.”

You let out a hum, unconsciously turning to press your lips to her palm, unknowingly making her twitch against you.

It was that twitch that further woke you up, and you were confused for a second why Yellow is holding you, until you stiffened.

Yellow is holding you.

Why is she holding you?

Better yet, why is she here? You thought she’ll never come back after that fight you two had days ago…

Sluggishly, you pulled away from her to sit up, already missing the warmth she’s exuding once the night air starts to creep in. You tugged the covers higher, draping it around your shoulders to fight off the chill.

And that relentless weight that never left you since.

“What are you doing here?” you whispered, still not entirely believing she’s actually there with you.

There was a pause, and her fingertips drummed on the bed throughout. You were up to twenty-five taps until she eventually revealed, “I want to show you something.”

You blinked. “Okay?” You waited for that familiar hum that comes with her phasing whatever it is into existence. But there’s only that silence again, except for her drumming fingers.

Brows furrowed slightly, you decided to reach out to where your bedside table is, feeling around for your visor until your hand grazed it. “Okay, so, do I have to go look for it or…?”

You closed your eyes before slipping your visor on. Color came in blobs and shapes, then your eyesight adjusted to the cool hues of everything bathed in a soft, dim glow of moonlight streaming through your window.

All except for Yellow, who still somehow maintains her radiance despite being in the dark, her gem so distinct with its facets as sharp as her features.

Now, you can see the way her lips were pressed together tight, only growing tighter as her gaze flicked to the door for a second, before sighing, pushing herself off the bed to stalk towards the window seat. Does she want to stay there, instead?

The answer: no.

Because – for some reason you don’t really know – she was able to push the window open. You’re absolutely positive you left that locked before getting in bed.

Did she sneak in through there…?

“We should leave while it’s dark.” She already has a leg propped by the window sill when she looks back to you.

That certainty in her eye broke you out of your wondering whether she’s actually serious right now or not. “Leave?” you were able to blurt out. “But—wait, you’ve been following the doctor’s orders to the T. Why would you…?”

This night is just chock-full of questions for you, huh?

Maybe this is just a lapse in judgement? You still can’t wrap your head around Yellow – the Yellow Diamond, Commander of Sticking to the Rules – breaking one of it.

And from the loud sigh that left her, this must be hurting her more than it hurts you. “I’ll be with you the entire time, Human. That should suffice.”

It should be. Having one of them accompany you is safety ensured, right there.

But it still got a smile out of you from how much she grumbled her reasoning, obviously reluctant yet still stubborn enough to speak up about it.

“All right,” you noticed her perking up in your periphery while you busied yourself in tugging the sheets off your shoulders, “and we’re going out through the window because…?”

Her pouting got replaced by a sly smirk, eyes sparking with mischief once you were padding over to where she is. “First rule in starting a rebellion is you have to do it in secret,” she retorted, offering a hand for you to take. “Which is good because I don’t want anyone else to find out I’m doing this.”

Her gloved hand is warm in yours, firm and steady as you climbed up the window seat and onto the windowsill. “You’re fine with me knowing you’re an undercover rebel?”

She hummed, feigning suspicion when she side-eyes you, to your amusement. “I’m sure you’ll make a fine accomplice,” she decided, a bit proud over that little fact. “You don’t blab to anyone so easily. Unlike certain others.”

You may have a faint idea on who’s included in those “certain others”.

And she obviously doesn’t want to hear you scold her for it when she unceremoniously scooped you up in her arms, full-on grinning at your startled squeak. Your heart gave a nervous flutter at the sight, hands clasped tight to your chest.

“Let’s go before someone sees us,” her whisper was conspiratorial, her secrets only meant for your ears, and your ears alone, “or else they'll forbid me from visiting you next time.”

With that, she jumped off the window.

It was colder outside, obviously. Goosebumps were already pricking up across the arm that’s not pressed against Yellow.

But as the surprise wore off and the slight jostle from her jogging to the warp pad rocked you somewhat, her warmth seemed to wrap around yourself, especially when you rest your cheek to her chest.

And your lips twitched at the soft, familiar glow her gem emits right before your eyes.

…

Huh.

Both of you just entered the palace when the shock of colors all around made you stumble briefly.

“The place looks…greener than last time,” you observed, more to yourself while you gawked at everything.

Although slower than she would’ve preferred, Yellow made sure to match your pace despite in her normal size. Don’t get her wrong, she’d much rather be in her smaller size so she could carry you to her destination. However, you did make a valid point which she agrees to, albeit heavily reluctant over it.

There’s a reason why you four are – were, this is before – much more affectionate behind closed doors. Gems already talk about each time the Diamonds would display anything but professionalism among one another in public. What more if they see one of their former leaders with someone that’s not a fellow Diamond?

The million-dollar question: who are you to the Diamonds?

“Most of the palace got damaged from…” She flexed her fist briefly. “From last time. So we had Gems renovate them.” Then, she glances down to you with a soft smile that sent a curl of warmth into your gut. “I’m sure the Pebbles would be glad to hear you like them. They helped put those up, too, you see.”

You were letting your hand brush through the line of plants displayed across the hallway, the wide leaves smooth to the touch as you walked. “These are absolutely amazing.” Although, your smile was cheeky when you looked up at her. “But a splash of color won’t be too bad, right? Maybe some orange, or purple, or whatever color that exists other than green?”

She hummed, tucking a finger to her chin. “I think I have some in my office..."

“…I don’t think I see them around here much often?”

Your already leisure pace slowed even further. Someone’s there, right by that corner. And there’s no other hall you two could take, so it’s probably better if—

“Oh, didn’t you hear?” another Gem whispered quite loudly. “They’ve been staying on that icky planet Earth for that human.”

Oh.

You stopped completely.

It…would be rude to pass them by when they’re…

Yeah.

The others laughed, shrill and sharp. “The Reviver? Wait, isn’t that thing the same reason why our beloved Diamonds closed themselves off here in the palace?” An ugly cry broke out of them. “The White Diamond even prostrated herself in that gem-shattering broadcast!”

You blinked rapidly, lips pressing together to keep them from trembling as you hugged yourself, uncaring over the growing sting in your stomach from having your arms wrapped tight around it.

“Such an awful, selfish little thing, isn’t it? Why, if I were the Diamonds, I would’ve crushed that pesky organic into indescribable mush!”

And they all had a laugh over it, so horribly grating to your ears.

But you know they’re right. You know they should’ve done it.

“Ah, but they’re so gracious,” they swooned. “Tending to a lowly human like that one. Oh, and just imagine: being surrounded by the most flawless Gems such as our Diamonds? So many Gems would crack just to be in its position!”

Before you even manage to get yourself together, the polished floor shook when Yellow was already marching over to the end of the hallway to get to that corner. As you were trying to steady yourself, panic surged into you.

Oh God, what is she going to do?

The thought pushed you to a sprint. Even at this distance, you can still hear Yellow, loud and clear.

“Then why don’t I crack your gem for you?” Her voice is a harsh snarl that nearly had you faltering mid-step, and you were already feeling the remnants of that fear from before, so it’s easy to imagine how those Gems would feel with them taking the full brunt. “It won’t be any trouble, of course. I’m so “gracious”, after all. Aren’t I? It’s the least I could do to filter out the useless gossips here in Homeworld.”

You skid to a stop.

Right in between the group of Gems – Garnets. Typical – and Yellow’s outstretched hand, electricity dancing across her form erratically.

Out of breath, yet you were still able to hold her glare. “Yellow,” you said firmly. Understanding. “Yellow, we—we talked about this. Right?” Your heart raced so badly in your ears. It was a miracle you’re not shaking right now, with how fear is streaming into your veins.

Before, you would be confident she’ll never hurt you.

Except now, there’s the “but” at the end.

A lingering doubt that she’ll push you aside so she can destabilize the Garnets herself for speaking for her and her fellow Diamonds' behalf.

Because, now, she doesn’t have to listen to you anymore.

Why would she ever have to listen to someone who lied to them—

You sucked in a breath when the floor trembled at her footsteps…

…away from you?

You only realize you had your eyes scrunched tight by the time you opened them. Sure enough, Yellow was stalking onward, menacing yet silent. Without taking a backward glance to the Garnets, you rushed after her, instead.

Palpable anger still charged every step she takes until she left webbings of cracks on the polished floor in her wake. A faint smell of sulfur’s in the air from the sparks that ran up and down her form, itching to be released. She wants to get away from here so badly, but you're already stumbling to keep up with her.

What happened earlier sparked something inside her, and it's consuming her like forest fire.

How to douse it—you have no idea.

You really don't, but you have to try.

"Yellow," you tried, fighting to keep the hesitation off your voice. Which is easier said than done with how much running you’re doing.

However, her growl made you falter. "You shouldn't have stopped me," she ground out, her eyes flashing bright gold, a particular loud crack of lightning whipping by her shoulder. "Those sad excuses for Gems have no idea what they're talking about. And yet here you are: protecting them."

Blotches start to blur your sight, random dark blobs dancing in and out as your lungs burned from the sudden burst of exertion you’re putting them through, your abdomen already aching from how hard you’re breathing.

And you don't know which hurts; her being so angry she's not aware of herself even more, or you being the reason why she got this angry.

"They don't owe you anything," she went on, each word she bites out trembling with the thin string of restraint she still has. "Nor do you with them. But you didn't think about that, did you? You don't think at ALL! You don't think of YOURSELF because you're much more occupied in…”

You only realized you tripped over your feet once you processed the dull ache shooting from your cheek. The tremors on the floor hurt your ears. You tried blocking it out by having a hand pressed to your ear.

But you can’t move.

Your heart stuttered inside your chest.

Coldness doused you from inside and out, your nerves getting shot because of it.

And you can’t move.

Thump, thump, thump—

You can’t move.

Thump, thumpthumpthump—

Why can’t you move.

Thumpthumpthumpthump—

You can’t move and it hurts so bad to breathe and everything’s starting to get blurry—

"Yellow." You still managed to squeeze out a whimper. Calling out for her to come back.

Please come back. Don't leave me. I don't want to be alone again. Please—

“Stars above. Elise? What happened?”

Suddenly, you can breathe again, just as you were starting to get moved off the floor.

You clenched your hands to get the feeling back, the coolness of dried sweat much more noticeable. And uncomfortable.

Held in Yellow’s gloved hand, you leaned more onto the thumb she has propped against your stomach while you take in big gulps of air, soaking in her warmth to get rid of the cold still clinging to you like perfume.

"Elise?"

“Sorry.” Taking off your visor in the mean time, you try massaging your temple, wanting to soothe the lingering sway you can still see everywhere you looked. “Got dizzy. Must’ve fainted. Still not used to, you know, all that running around, I guess…”

She lightly brushes a fingertip under your eye. “You were…crying?”

Were you?

You rubbed at your cheek absently, not really surprised to feel moisture in your palm, not really in the mood to correct her that it might be just your sweat. Maybe. “I’m sorry,” you sighed. “Could you set me down?”

Going out here is a mistake. That’s obvious enough. You don’t want her to be your babysitter the whole time after—

Only taking a single step, and you’re already stumbling on your two left feet.

God, damn it.

You can’t even find it in yourself to be relieved when you were caught just in time, too embarrassed for needing help in walking like you’re a newborn fawn with fragile fucking ankles.

“Elise.” You don’t look at her. “Elise, show me your legs.”

With a petulant scowl, you crossed your arms over your chest and faced away from her despite the soreness in your hip and your knees throbbing dully underneath your skin.

However, heat flooded over everything else when you feel probing fingers start to push your pajama pants higher—

“Hey!” You slapped them away before pinning a glare at Yellow and her tight frown.

“Elise,” she tried to keep her voice even, “if I don’t see what’s wrong with you this instant, I will force you to walk.”

Is that the best she can do?

“Fine! Then I will!” You were already shuffling off her palm, not at all worried over how high up you are from the floor, even with Yellow kneeling like this. “I’ll walk through the entire palace if I have to!”

Although she stops you before you could jump off, a long-suffering groan still left her, “Stars, why are you being so difficult?”

“Why are you being so weird, you—you—!" A quick second to flounder for the best, most brutal insult in the dictionary. “You big weirdo!”

Oh, sick.

Very effective insult.

It clearly says so from the unimpressed look Yellow now has.

She lets out a sharp, heavy sigh, reaching up to pinch the bridge of her nose. “Yelling clearly isn't helping either of us. Neither is insulting each other.” She shot you a look at that.

Hah, so she was insulted.

“What if it is helping me?” you still volleyed back, petulant and heated.

Her head inclined your way, both of her brows arching, and that look has no plan on going away soon. “Really.”

You didn’t even grace her with an answer as you turned up your nose.

“Elise.” She tried to get your attention by nudging you to face her. “Elise, come on. Let me help you—”

“But I don’t want your help.”

“I need to help you.” That unshakeable certainty in her words is what coaxed you to crack open an eye. Sure enough, she sounds exactly how she looks right now. “Or else I would go insane wondering what kind of Gem-forsaken trouble you’re getting yourself into. Does that sound any better?”

Your face can’t help but contort into a weird expression, weird enough for a crack to give way in Yellow’s severe look and leave a tiny smile in its wake without you knowing. “Not really…”

She clicked her tongue, feigning displeasure over your words. “Ah, well. Making others feel guilty has always been White’s specialty.”

A quiet chuckle broke out of you, then, shaking your head slightly at the lighthearted jab.

And luck is on neither of your sides at this point when you didn’t see the way Yellow perked up at the feeble memory of your laugh.

You felt around for her thumb to have it rest on your lap, simply petting it as you would with a lap dog. You take your time reveling in her warmth, the thumping soreness on your knees already dull in your ears yet it made a strong argument against your decision to just brush it off.

“Can you promise me something?”

“Always,” she said without skipping a beat.

(Unlike that weird flip-flop your stomach did.)

You take in a deep breath, stilling from your petting. “Promise me you won’t…you know,” you shrink, “blame yourself for bringing me out here once you see it?”

Remember that thing about luck and its switching-sides a lot? Because right now luck is entirely on Yellow’s side when a shadow came over her expression, something you would’ve noticed at a drop of a hat if you were wearing your visor.

But you’re not.

So only Yellow knows all about it and it would do everyone – especially you – a world of good to have it stay that way.

Using her other hand, she gave your cheek a caress, flinching at your wince. She didn’t notice the faint purple bruise there until it’s too late.

Just like before, when it’s already much, much too late for her to realize such details.

Even the life-threatening ones.

She fought to keep her frown from her voice when she drawled, “So, that’s why you called me a “weirdo”.”

Your scowl made it easier for her to maintain her smile, especially when you gave the same thumb you were petting earlier a swat. “I’m serious!” you insisted. “Not about you being, you know, a weirdo. But I’m serious.” Then, you got smaller again, and Yellow never wanted anything so badly to change that. Stars, if only you were a Gem… “I just don’t want you blaming yourself. Okay?”

Her lips pressed together into a thin line. “What if I don’t say anything about it?” she asked, just as quiet, but not as certain as you are.

Especially when your unseeing gaze somehow found hers, followed by a knowing smile that made her feel you could still see right through her without any visor. “I can always tell, Yellow,” you told her, voice wispy-soft, yet it made something clench inside her gem. “You’re not getting off that easy.”

She rolled her eyes out of exasperation. “Ugh, fine. I promise. Now, will you let me see it?”

You stared up at her, nearly making her break out into nervous fidgeting, before you pouted. “You’re being mean.” You turned your nose up again. “Ask nicely.”

A snort almost broke out of her from your unexpected request. If that twitch on your mouth means anything, then you’re probably hoping for that kind of reaction.

And Yellow may be lacking in White’s dramatics, but she makes up for it nicely in her sarcasm.

Placing a hand to her gem, she lifted you up slightly as though you’re on a pedestal to grace everyone with your radiance. Your gasp almost had her change her mind, but the grin lighting up your face pushed her on.

“Oh, Elise, my sweet human,” she crooned, a low note in her song that made you bite down your lip with how hard you’re grinning. “I am but a lowly Diamond awaiting your generosity to reveal your lovely, lovely legs. Will you accept my humble request?”

You took in a deep, shaky breath as a weak attempt from laughing out loud before plucking Yellow’s thumb off your lap with a grumbled, “You’re the worst.”

Playful indignation was already on the tip of her tongue when you unceremoniously tugged your pants down.

Just like that, any quip she has in mind withered away, an inexplicable sensation coiling deep within her gem each second she looks at your bare legs.

She’s never seen you reveal this much skin before. Even when you came out of your bath chamber, you always had on a fluffy robe that goes down to your knees.

It’s…new.

Yes. That’s what it’s called.

It’s very “new” to see you like this.

At her silence, you can’t help but pull the hem of your shirt lower. “It shouldn’t look that bad,” you argued meekly. “I just banged my knees a little, is all. Nothing more but a bruise. Right?”

That snaps her out of it. Silently, she thanks the stars you didn’t have the mind to wear your visor yet, or else you would’ve seen the dark bronze on her cheeks while her flustered gaze flickered across you legs to take in any abnormalities on your soft, pink skin, not allowing herself the luxury to ogle you even further.

The purple staining the balls of your knees got labelled as “offending” in Yellow’s mind, lips pursing when she touched your leg to slightly pull down the skin there, stretching it out.

“Just because it’s “nothing more but a bruise” doesn’t mean you’re allowed to have any of it to your heart's content,” she retorted before pulling away to stand, making sure she keeps her hand steady to not jostle you around too much. “Let’s keep going. My office will have what we’ll need.”

With that goal in mind, she strode off in a steady pace, the sound of her footsteps bouncing against the towering walls.

Only when it got farther and farther away did a certain cool-hued Diamond peek out from inside one of the many empty rooms that are now designated for recreation with the plant décor still underway.

What’s supposed to be a relaxing task only riddled her with…with these feelings.

Feelings that kept being at odds from one another because something in her gem glittered when she saw you grin at Yellow, but she hates it all the same because she knows – she knows – you can never look at her the same way. Not after everything she did.

Not after scaring you so much you had to ask her for permission to go back to Earth.

To your home.

Her lip trembled at the memory—stars, she curses how vivid it is.

Your wide-eyed stare, the way you were trying to get yourself as far away from her as possible, your weak, defeated whisper—

She remembers all of it so clearly.

Just as well as she remembers the red pooling in her hands, or how her coldness is slowly eating away your warmth instead of cradling it like her fierce ball of fire.

She remembers it all.

When the time comes and she managed to cover the entire palace – each nook and cranny, every corner of space there is – with lush plants – green and alive – she's fully aware she can never change what happened.

She can never change anything from that exact moment you left this world.

That exact moment you left all of them behind for eternity.

…

“Oh, my goodness…”

Yellow’s smile was already heard from her warm voice. “What do you think?” she still asked, rhetorical through and through.

The awestruck shine in your eyes spoke well and clear what you think about her office. God, this is her office. It’s so, so, so much better than the one you have at the estate!

Back there, you only chose it to be as sparse as possible because those pricks that came before you have those awful “mementos” of dead animals from their furs to their goddamn heads.

You can never figure out why rich people are Like That, and you’re in no mood to make sense of it anytime soon.

Here, though, life is all around, wrapping you in its welcoming embrace that encompasses you with belonging.

Large, glass panes patterned in gold lets in the light, bathing the yellow of the walls and floors warmly as the luscious garden surrounding a crystalline desk and chair could put the garden you have in your room to shame.

There are even stairs built-in for all of them. With clean, fresh water engineered to stream through every single one and keep them nourished.

Safe to say, you are so jealous of Yellow’s office it makes you want to set up camp and live here, instead.

“The windows were White’s idea,” she began, conversational, as she strolled over to her desk at a turtle’s pace, relishing in the way you spend each second taking in everything around you. “She said something along the lines of “letting in natural light” because my old chambers were too “dark and dreary” for her.” She rolled her eyes at the memory, finally pulling out the floating chair to take a seat. “She’s lucky Blue’s cordial enough to have her idea implemented at all.”

The casual mention of Blue’s name had you taken aback. “Blue?”

The thought of all of this being her idea is not very surprising; she always had a keen eye for designs, after all.

No, what’s surprising is going through the effort of changing up everything. She could’ve just handed over the task of repairing the damages from…from that infiltration to the Gems.

What made her decide to shoulder the renovations?

The way Yellow stiffened earned her a lifted brow from you, lips pressing together briefly before letting out a sigh once she settled in. “I have something for you,” she said, instead, purposefully not meeting your probing stare.

Oh, you are not dropping this conversation.

But seeing the forest green cushion lined with gold did soften the blow. A teeny-tiny bit.

She placed you on it. The sheer size of it took you by surprise, especially when the cushion nearly swallowed you up from how plush it is. Your bean bag would’ve kept its shape when you’d sit on it...

Huh.

Suddenly, you remembered your bean bag. It used to be stationed off the side on Yellow’s desk, just like this cushion.

“What happened to it?” Confusion had Yellow slightly crease her brows at the middle, so you reiterated, “My bean bag. I haven’t seen it for a long time…”

That confusion went away instantly at your words when her shoulders tensed up, a tight frown deepening the lines on her face while her glare was pinned to somewhere far away. You were just about to ask her what’s wrong—

“It was an unfortunate casualty.” Her voice was stone, just like the hard edge on her jaw. “I would’ve had someone restore it, but there were only scraps left behind by the debris.”

Oh.

You felt yourself relax somewhat, even allowing a tiny smile to break through. “It’s okay.” It almost made you shy away as that glare went to you, though. “Yellow, come on. It was just some cotton and cloth. Didn’t really have any attachments to it other than it’s real comfy.” Flopping your arms out, you made a show of reclining against the cushion with a pleased sigh. “Besides, this one’s way better than the bean bag. It has a ton of space for my tiny self. See?”

It’s nearly as big as your bed back home, which means more space for you to roll around in!

Yellow’s lips twitched, and you almost let your cushion swallow you whole when you sagged in relief.

Only the corners of her mouth were turned up, her soft gaze worlds away from the stormy glare she had on earlier, before she reaches out to stroke your cheek with the pad of her thumb, the gesture light and tender and your stomach burst into butterflies until it all migrated to your chest and made their home on your tongue as those three words were just about to have the dust they accumulated be shaken off for going unused for so long—

But you bit your tongue, snapped your mouth shut – oh God, I almost said something stupid again – and shoved those butterflies back down to where they belong and hope they all wither up and die.

“How’s Blue doing, by the way?”

For a second, something passed across Yellow’s face, something that had your brows furrow for a bit because she looked…”put off” probably fits it better. But she caught herself in time to rest her elbow on the edge of her desk and perch her chin onto her palm, eyeing you with mild confusion.

So you told her, “Last time I’ve seen her was when I woke up. Is she, you know,” you combed a hand through your hair, fingers twirling a lock of it absently, “is she doing okay or…?”

“You haven’t seen her yet?”

Her incredulity had you frowning, puzzled. “No?” Your frown deepened at her silence, her gaze so far away while she contemplated over your admission. “Yellow, is there something going on?”

There was another thoughtful pause before she could share her thoughts. “I noticed her warping from here a few times in a week before returning hours later.” Although, like it was a bothersome fly, she quickly waved it off. “She must be visiting her colonies if she’s not on Earth, then.”

You were just about to ask her what’s making Blue so busy she can’t even grace you with one visit before you caught yourself.

Yellow might be your best shot in getting answers, but it’s better to get them straight from the source.

So if Blue doesn’t want to see you yet, then you’re just going to suck it up and move on.

“All right,” you sighed, before allowing a smile to curl on your lips. “So you were going to show me something?” You gave your new pillow a pat. “Or is this neat cushion the thing you wanted me to see?”

Fortunately for everyone, the subtle tension in the air dissipated even further as Yellow answered with a roll of her eyes. “Please, that’s barely making it in as a footnote for what I have in mind.” She gave another wave of her hand. This time, something appeared on her palm that she lowered for you to see. “Look here.”

The yellow bubble was small and familiar, though your eyes did narrow at what it’s encasing, leaning forward to see it properly. “What…is that?” you muttered.

A shadow passed her features, and it was because of it that made you hesitate from getting closer. “It has a lot of unnecessary technicalities for its nature, but the gist of it would be shattered Gems forced to “fuse” against their will.”

The clinical way she dumped this information on you doused you like cold, cold water that a gasp tore out of you unwittingly, holding a hand over your mouth just as a shiver ran down your spine at these…these fragments clumped together.

Melded together in discolored clumps.

“The fusion experiments…” you uttered, ill at ease by the twinge in your chest the longer you look at them.

You remember brief mentions of it by peridots in your time working under Yellow, but you just chalked it off as “a Gem thing”.

Now that you know how fusions should be – heck, you were even in one all because of Steven – the sight of these experiments…

It’s wrong.

God, you’ll never hope to know what those Gems trapped inside must be feeling the entire time they're glued together...

As you were stuck in staring at them like a mere witness for a train wreck, Yellow picked up a pair of tweezers from a holder. “Almost all of these shards came from the rebels,” she stated, her voice eerily mechanical as she checked one of her screens. It’s for the fusion experiment she set in front of you, you noticed. “This fusion project worked both as a punishment for them and as another experiment for Homeworld. Mere prototypes to jumpstart the Cluster Project.”

You have no idea why she’s telling you all of this but you trust that she knows what she’s doing, your eyes tracked the way her tweezers phased through the bubble without popping it. “And…what are you going to do to them now?” you asked carefully

As careful as Yellow retrieving a shard between the experiment’s cranny. Then, she phased in another bubble; this one has a whole gem inside, for some reason.

She sets the gem down after popping its bubble, and only then did you get to see the webs of cracks littered all over it.

The ability to breathe was forgotten for the sake of watching Yellow fit the shard she has into the gem’s crater perfectly. So perfect that a pleased smile broke Yellow’s stoic expression. “Watch this,” was all she said.

Suddenly, the cracked gem started glowing.

Your eyes were popped wide open the entire time, wanting to witness each second of whatever this is Yellow has for you because if she’s doing what you think she’s doing then—

A mess of limbs was formed first, followed by a gasp for life.

And a periwinkle Gem now sits before you, the cracked gem placed on their hip.

“Oh, my gosh,” you muttered more to yourself.

But the Gem still shot their attention towards you, panic building up behind their grey eyes until it skyrocketed once they see Yellow.

Despite their spindly arms, they still used them to drag themself out of there through pure will, so you decided to finally get off your ass and calm them down when you realize they’re five feet away from falling off the edge.

“Hi. Hey, don’t be scared.” You scurried after them, taking them by the shoulders after kneeling in front of them. “No one’s going to hurt you. It’s…” you trailed off, breathless laughter pouring out of you as you gave their shoulders a squeeze.

“I don’t know you at all, but it’s really good to have you around.”

They still kept glancing at Yellow every other second, and it’s a wonder they haven’t headbutted you to make their daring escape because you can only imagine how it must be for them to be shattered under their Diamond’s orders, just to get thrown back in a time when their Diamond is simply watching them without moving once.

You gave them another squeeze – reassuring, this time – to get their attention. A welcoming smile was on your lips when they spared you a wary look. “My name’s Elise. What’s yours?”

Although visibly uncertain, they eventually said, “Kunzite. Facet seven-zero-zero, cabochon seventeen…”

You lit up because of it, repeating their name under your breath over and over again to have a feel for it, not noticing how their uncertainty slowly turned into flustered confusion from how they’re gaping at you.

The same could be said over a certain someone drumming her fingertips on the desk, almost making Kunzite jump in your hold as they remembered the Diamond’s presence.

“Kunzite,” you worded out with extra care, not wanting to peeve this Gem and get you out of their good side. “I know you’re still taking everything in, and I know I’m asking for a lot right now, but can you stay here for a while longer?”

Gently, you let go of them to cradle their noodle-y arms. “Your form’s still all messed up and…” Your eyes met gold. “I trust Yellow to do something about it.”

The mentioned Diamond gave you a smile that sent another flip to your stomach.

“I…I’m sorry, Your Radiance,” Kunzite uttered, their meek voice cutting through the look you gave Yellow because you thought they’re talking to her.

Only to realize they’re looking at you, wary and still undoubtedly confused.

“A-Are you a new Diamond?” they prodded, unsure if it’s their place to ask that, especially when they see you tense up. “I used to be in Pink Diamond’s court and you just look a lot like her—”

“She is no Diamond.” Kunzite drew into themself when Yellow leaned closer to where they are, a menacing glint in her eye that had them lower their gaze to their lap, instead. “But that doesn’t exclude her from receiving the same level of respect and regard as one, perhaps even more so. As herself.”

“Yellow.” Despite your chiding tone, the look you gave her is meaningful, only serving to soften her intent stare.

The hand you placed on her wrist – tiny and small and you – pulled her back entirely in favor of calmness.

Or, well, her brand of calmness exclusively known to all four of you, alone.

As for Kunzite, the indifference in Yellow’s expression simply put them on edge.

“All of this is remarkable, Yellow.” You shot her a smile. “You’re remarkable. But.” Then, your smile went to Kunzite, the same as your hand when you held theirs, and Kunzite willfully ignored the minute crease between sharp brows that broke Yellow’s indifference. “All you’ll need to know is…I’m a friend. And I’ll be honored to show you around the palace. Only if you’re okay with it, of course.”

“You’re in no condition to “show anyone around”,” Yellow interrupted, neither bothered or caring that she did it, not when she’s eying you much more intently compared to what she gave Kunzite just seconds ago, as if daring you to go against her words.

Which, knowing you, isn’t too far off.

You rolled your eyes, just as you settle one of Kunzite’s big hands on your lap to study it some more. Their arm is so freakishly noodle-y, it reminds you of Spinel’s. “Then will you be so kind as to assist me, Yellow?” you drawled.

“Hah, I can do something far better than offer assistance. Kunzite.”

She offered them a gloved hand, palm up, with some semblance of welcoming in her expression. “May I?” she murmured.

You and Kunzite exchanged a glance, but something in your nod paired with your tiny smile had them easing somewhat.

They let Yellow scoop them up, noodle limbs and all gathered in her palm. Brows furrowing slightly in concentration, she rubbed her thumb and forefinger together, like a chef dusting spices on her dish for perfection.

Your gaze followed the currents of electricity dancing from her forearm up to her hand, looking far less brighter and blistering than the bolts of lightning she wield.

It came as a delay once you processed she touched her fingertip – still lit up by her powers – on Kunzite’s head.

And your eyes popped open once her powers coursed through Kunzite’s tangled form, an alarmed protest already on the tip of your tongue—

“Good as new,” Yellow commented, taking in Kunzite with satisfaction and pride the longer she turned them this way and that.

Because Kunzite…

Their form…

They…

Both you and the Gem were gawking as they stepped down from Yellow’s hand to twirl in place, their sheer skirt fanning out to show their thick, stocky legs with their equally stocky arms stretched outward for balance.

And their grin was pure molasses, slow and sweet, when it spreads across their face, grey eyes tearing up.

Yellow made a show of dusting her hands. “There should be guards stationed down the hall outside,” she remarked. “I made sure they’re briefed for Gems such as yourself so you can find them helpful for…settling in.”

Kunzite wiped at their eyes, a tremulous smile on their face when they looked up at Yellow. “Thank you,” they whispered, bowing their head quickly in her direction before turning to you with another bow. “Your Radiance.”

Before either you or Yellow can react, they already jumped off the edge, landing on the floor gracefully with their skirt billowing around them to slow their descent, their bubbly giggling following them out.

Until it’s just the two of you left inside the office.

While you were still staring at Kunzite’s empty space, Yellow – proud and most certainly smug Yellow – had the gall to pluck you from where you are and set you down on the cushion she gifted you.

Only when you sat back on your hands did you finally utter, “You brought someone back to life.”

“Hm?”

Your awe-slackened expression tightened into a scowl before you reached out to give her finger a smack, feigning displeasure over her bark of laughter. “Don’t “hm?” me! That was—” You waved your arms around to emphasize your point, to Yellow’s amusement. “That was a thing! A big thing! And you’re treating it like—like you just made yourself a cup of joe!”

“What's a “joe”?”

Another swat. “Don’t change the subject!”

With a roll of her eyes, she clicked her tongue and poked you on the head. “So demanding,” she murmured. “Ask nicely, Human.”

Oh, this is so payback for your attitude earlier.

Anticipation got squashed for the time being as your arms crossed into a familiar salute, the eye-roll you gave completing the look that made Yellow snicker behind a gloved hand. “Great Ruler of Space, who grasped most of space in her mighty space-hands, may I have the honor, the privilege, and the deepest pleasure to kindly relay what the absolute heck you just did?”

A moment of thoughtful silence, as Yellow regards you.

Then, a snort broke out.

Try as she might to muffle it, her low chuckling rumbled deep inside her chest. “In a single sentence, you were able to use “space” three times,” she observed needlessly, a bit of marvel in her lighthearted voice.

And although you waved it off to move on, the frown you wore got replaced by a smile. “Have to improvise. You know how it is. Now!” You pat your lap eagerly. “Details! Gimme!”

“You’re impossible.” Still, she hadn't wiped that smirk off her face as she pretended to be reluctant to do your bidding. “Hm, where should we start…” She paused for a moment (to elevate the dramatic effect) before making a decision.

A bubbled fusion experiment – the one from earlier – drifted towards her hand. “Do you remember what these are made out of?”

“Remnants of shattered Gems forced together,” you provided easily, pretending you don’t feel warmth blooming inside your chest at her pleased look.

“Good. Now, onto the next question: what do you think happens when a Gem is shattered?”

Huh, that’s…

That’s a good question.

Well, good enough to leave you stumped for a minute because what else can happen when a Gem is shattered?

“Their light gets…” You gestured around for a bit, missing the soft shine in Yellow’s gaze as she watches you go on. “Their gem holds all the light to construct their form, so when they get shattered, the light probably gets scattered and leaves them…” What’s another word for “dead”, except they’re not really “dead” dead? “…static? I guess?”

Her smile broadened. “You got close,” she hummed, while picking up her tweezers again and another tool in her free hand. Wait, is it really a tool when it just looks like a pointy chopstick?

Pinching the experiment using the tweezers, you noticed the electric currents dancing up Yellow’s arm then flow into the chopstick, and you almost jumped when the experiment—no, the tip of the stick started to…pop and fizzle?

A make-shift welder?

“The gem is the culmination of our being,” Yellow began, her stare fixated on where she’s “welding” the side where a huge chunk is glued to the rest of the gem shards. “Light is what constructs us. It is everywhere and ever-present. Unchanging. But our gems can wield it. As the culmination of our being, we can manipulate light and have it changed to our tastes. With boundaries, of course. A prime example is the state of being shattered.”

You take in the way Yellow lets out an unknowing breath once she has the sizable gem shard between her tweezers, setting it down on her desk.

“Although we have “stepped down” from ruling the empire, us Diamonds are still superior from Gems in terms of abilities.” She phased in a screen to scroll through it, before waving a hand to conjure another bubbled experiment to do the same thing she did earlier. “Since we won’t be using these abilities in leading thousands of Gems anymore, it’s our responsibility to do something…positive, for a change. Because anything otherwise might lead to distasteful outcomes.”

“And eighty percent of those outcomes will be me being a thorn on your side,” you piped up, supporting.

Which made her roll her eyes, still smiling. “Much more than you normally are,” she grumbled, unfazed by your “hey!” of protest. “So, as you already know by now, my powers affect a Gem’s physical form. I can destabilize them for a long period, but any stronger and I can shatter them.”

She lowered her tools once she sets down another piece of the gem shard, and you had to keep yourself from fidgeting when she pins you with an unreadable look.

“I admit, my powers tend to get…” A grimace broke her indifferent expression. “Unstable whenever I’m feeling strongly about anything. I…I apologize if I gave you a reason to be wary around me because of it.”

Carefully – hesitantly – she reaches out to have her crooked finger settle beneath your chin, the pad of her thumb merely grazing your cheek.

And something warm and fuzzy encompassed you all over when sunlight’s piercing glare melted into the honey hues of sunset.

But just like the sunset, it passed too soon before you could have the chance to memorize every single shade and color painting the sky for you to recreate in your mind for safe-keeping.

She pulled away, and you trapped the whine about to pour out of you in the back of your throat at the loss of her warmth. “Nonetheless, I doubt a Gem would have the same concerns as an organic, though,” she was able to push out, forcing in a dismissive air to take back the casual atmosphere earlier. “Which is why shattering is not a finality, therefore your earlier statement of me “bringing someone to life” is completely untrue.”

Instead of touching the tingling skin on your chin, you tried to focus on what she’s saying.

So, Yellow bringing a Gem back to life is crossed out, which makes total sense because…Gems are made of light, and light is not a living thing. The gem itself does the “living”.

But something doesn’t add up.

“If shattered Gems are not actually dead, then how come they can’t form back without their pieces?” you pointed out.

A shadow passed her features. “I don't want you to witness how a fusion experiment form.”

Ah.

“Then I won’t ask you to do that.” Even though sick curiosity churned inside your head, it was easy to overlook from the grateful shine in Yellow’s eyes. “Can you tell me what happens, instead?”

That shine lost its luster a bit in her thoughts, taking the rod with her to twist it in between her fingers.

“The only reason why they form is to look for their shattered pieces,” she muttered, more to herself so you had to strain your ears to understand her. “They want completion. They want to be inside their gem without someone else attached to them, moaning about their own lost pieces.”

Her eyes fluttered half-closed, dazed, as her grip tightened a bit on the ends of the rod. “It was…alarming to feel slivers of their thoughts the first time. They don’t remember how they got shattered. No, that’s the last thing on their minds when they’re all…” Her jaw locked up, blinking furiously for a split-second.

But you caught it. You always do.

Bare feet pattered against the crystal surface, until you stopped right in front of her to sit down and rest a hand over her clenched fist.

Her eyes snapped open at the unexpected touch, and you didn’t flinch when she shot you a look. If you weren’t so focused on running your hand over her knuckles, you would’ve seen the overflowing disbelief coating her heavily.

“You found a way to help them find their pieces, though. Build them back up,” you said, voice honey-soft and warm to comfort her somewhat. “You can help all of them, in time.”

“It’s the bare minimum, Elise.” What’s supposed to be a menacing snarl only got pushed out as a weak croak. “These Gems are in pieces because of me. Because of my anger. Because of all of these stupid feelings—” She choked, one of her hands flying up to hide her eyes. “No one deserved that kind of punishment, but here I am just realizing it after I created hundreds of them. Fantastic.”

Her words were charged with unbearable heat, each syllable laced explicitly with resentment that sits heavy inside your chest.

Imagining how Yellow’s feeling about all of it twists something inside you, painful and aching.

Still, you didn’t stop from stroking her knuckles, unafraid by the fact that she can crush you easily if she slams her fist to get some of her anger out.

Why would you, when this entire time she’s been flexing her hand to maintain any amount of ease she can still muster?

She’s trying so hard to relax while calming herself down and you just want to give her a hug but—

No. No more buts.

You’ve been sucking it up each time they visit, what’s another game of pretend?

Besides, this is for Yellow.

You can do this for Yellow.

Heart pounding, your shaking hand went up to the side of your visor to change the gravity, your gut already lurching before you could even feel that God-awful swooping sensation—

“Don’t.”

Your fingers got brushed away by much bigger ones, and you almost broke your neck whipping your head up.

A gleam shone through her unshed tears, steeled by familiar resolve that had you both confused and taken, enough to be a distraction. “I want to hug you.”

Your grumble earned a twitch on her lips. “And why is that?”

You can’t help but scoff and roll your eyes, crossing your arms over your chest before turning away from her. “Maybe it’s because I got the urge to wrestle you all of a sudden. Who knows?”

That earned you a laugh. Quiet and the complete opposite of her normal one, but you’ll take what you can have.

“You know…” Something flipped inside your stomach, replacing that horrible feeling for something entirely different when her fingers went from your temple to touch your cheek with the lightest graze of her fingertips. “These Gems -- and I, in extension – have you to thank for.”

Your brows creased. You don’t feel like you did anything worth being thankful of…

But she must’ve had an idea on what’s running through your head as she smoothed away your frown as gently as she can. “I wouldn’t have discovered the complete scope of my powers if it wasn’t for you,” she said, gaze conveying her softness where her voice lacks…

…You still have no idea what the heck she’s talking about.

Amusement lingered on her smile, parting from you with a slight shake of her head until, to your growing befuddlement, sparks danced across her form, leaving her glowing almost as bright as White.

And right before your eyes, you watch as she starts to get smaller, and smaller, and smaller, until you can’t see her anymore.

You have half the mind to peek over the edge to know where she is, but a figure jumped up from down below.

With that unwavering curl on her lips, Yellow held out her arms to somewhat “present” herself to you.

You and your dumb, blank-eyed stare because you know you didn’t change the gravity, so that leaves—

“If you’re going to shapeshift the entire time we’re together, so help me—”

“I’m not shapeshifting.”

Your narrowed eyes are worth an exasperated eye-roll. “My powers have a firm grasp on a Gem’s physical form, remember?” she drawled, half-lazy, half-anticipating for your reaction. “It would be ludicrous if, for some stupid reason, my form is somehow exempted from that fact, don’t you think?”

Her attempt sarcasm fell flat when silence continued to make its trek between the distance you two have.

And it’s…

She made…

“Your powers…” You tried so hard to keep your voice steady while pushing against that lightness threatening to bubble over your entire being because you have to be sure. You have to be sure you’re understanding what Yellow’s getting at because if you’re picking up what she's saying properly then that means… “Your powers—using them don’t…they don’t hurt you in the long run?”

Her eyes were unreadable as they bore into yours. “I’ve fixed a handful of Gems by now and, from what I observed, it doesn’t seem hurt them. I’ll even go so far as to claim the “effects” to be permanent.”

Permanent.

It’s…

It’s…difficult wrapping your head around the word, moreso the thought of it

Permanent.

Yellow’s powers. They’re permanent.

She can will a Gem’s appearance in any way she wants it to be. Customize them from that Gem’s preferences, if they ask.

She can change their heights, too

And…she can leave it as that.

She…

“Elise?” When you came back to where you are, Yellow was already kneeling in front of you, hands hovering at your sides. “You’re crying. Is it…” A sob nearly broke out of you when she seems so unsure all of a sudden. That confidence you’ve seen her wear just moments ago gone, leaving her naked and vulnerable. “You…I can…I can modify my powers more, if that’s what you prefer? I’m still getting used to it, so I understand if you don’t—”

Her words got knocked out of her along with her frantic doubts.

“Thank you.” Your grip around her was awkward. Too restricting, even as your visor got pushed off your nose and clattered to the floor. Too wet, as you buried your face on her chest, right beside her gem. “Thank you.”

For a beat, Yellow was simply left staring at the top of your head, as though she’s making sure that this is actually happening, with a couple or five more times to repeat everything over her head.

Then, slowly, she allows herself this time – just this one time – to breathe and hold you close without crushing you.

And she has to blink furiously every other second because she refuses to shed a tear. Not right now. Not when she wants to focus on this moment so she can relive it all over again for safekeeping later on.

The soft pink of your soft hair. The soft warmth you personify. The soft sniffling and hiccups that bubble out of you.

Soft, soft, soft…

Stars, she almost forgot how that feels.

To be soft.

To be warm.

To be safe.

She waits for your crying to lessen before she pulled away, something flaring inside her gem when you were reluctant to pull away from her until she silently coaxed you to lean back.

And she just…looks at you.

You, and your blotchy, tear-stained cheeks, and runny nose, and puffy eyes.

She misses seeing all of it.

…Stars, she can’t believe she just thought of missing seeing someone cry. There must be something wrong with her. Maybe being with Blue for so long skewed her head somehow.

“God, I feel like a mess,” you were able to croak, reaching up to hide your eyes with one hand while you weakly bat her away with the other. “Ugh, scratch that. I am a mess. Don’t look at me.”

Never.

“Honestly, I’ve seen you look a lot worst.” Another flare went out inside her gem when you didn’t put up a fight from her cupping your cheeks, so soft and flushed in her palms. “Let me…”

It was familiar, thumbing those tear tracks away with a gentle brush, catching more tears that were about to fall from your lashes…

It was calming.

This is the most calm she’s ever been ever since…everything that transpired between the four of you.

“I don’t want this to be permanent.”

She paused, taking in the way your eyes are nearly fluttered close.

“Your powers,” you clarified. “I don’t want it to be permanent on you. Or on Blue. Or White.” Blearily, you cradled one of her hands so you could nuzzle it, and Yellow was extremely thankful you can’t see the lightshow that burst from her gem. “I…I like having you in your own size, and I like having you small, too.”

There was hesitant shine in your eyes when you opened them. “Is…Is that okay with you?”

“Of course,” she breathed as soon as you got the last syllable out. “Of course. Stars, of course it’s fine with me. You never have to ask.”

Your brows furrowed, nuzzling much more firmly against her palm. “Of course I have to,” you grumbled grumpily. “This is your form we’re talking about. Dummy.”

She had to bite her tongue to stop herself from saying anything else because all she can think about is what about you? What about your form?

You can’t fool her when she discreetly spotted them – dark, fresh bruises replacing the faded ones – peeking out on your shoulder when you’re wearing a strapped top in those times she used to visit before, or the one on your hip when you pulled your pants off to show her the ones on your knees.

Another argument will just come to fruition if she even breathes a word about it, and she wants to prolong this moment even further, especially when you’re already getting drowsy in her hands.

Selfish . That’s what she is.

“Ah.” Your quiet yawn pulled her out of her plummeting thoughts. “Just…Just wait a sec…”

You struggling to drag yourself backwards to where the cushion is got her to smile, the way you still try to rub the beginnings of sleep from your eyes quieting the poison inside her mind.

At the very center of the cushion, you settled down and resembled a flower in full bloom with the pillow as your leaves.

Propping yourself up lazily with a hand behind you, you gave your lap a pat as a silent invitation.

Nothing lurched inside her at the gesture, and she definitely did not zoom towards you like some awkward little creature because she had to act fast before you could change your mind.

No, not at all.

A hand guided her head to have soft thighs – are they softer than before? – cushion her and, oh, who cares?

They’re soft. She’s so comfortable it’s almost making her tear up again because try as she might to remain unfazed by Blue’s near-obsession in re-designing the palace and the unspoken air that never stopped overwhelming her whenever she’s in the same room as White alone—

She missed this.

She missed the way your fingers comb through her hair.

She missed the pleasing scratches you give her scalp in every sweep you do.

She missed you.

She missed you so much—

“Will you be working on fixing the experiments from now on?”

Swallowing down the growing lump in her throat, golden eyes have to blink furiously for a moment to keep them from drowning. “Do you know anyone else who can do what I can do?” she managed to drawl without fail.

Her dry remark was easily received with a quiet snort and a brief tug on her hair. “A simple “yes” can do the trick, you know.”

“In this entire time you’ve known me, when have I ever went with “simple”, hm?”

Another tug, another inch of your lips quirking higher, another star in your glistening eyes. “Stop bragging and tell me more about your plans. I know you have some cooking inside this noggin of yours.” You gave her head a pat, for emphasis. “Do I have to say “space” a lot again for you to spill?”

Her hands flexed atop her abdomen; it was all she can do to rein herself in from holding your hand to her face. Looking like a touch-starved pearl is the last thing she wants to be.

For a split-second, she wonders if White has to worry about such matters anymore.

But White doesn’t need to worry about it because all she needed to do is come to your side and nothing else matters the longer you kept doting on her.

Yellow can’t stop the bitterness from taking root deep inside of her.

Jealous.

Unfulfilled.

Guilt.

“The Cluster.” Your hand paused, and she can see the confused frown replacing your fragile smile and she realized why as she tries to ease out any lingering bite in her voice. “The Cluster’s one of my works-in-progress at the moment. I’m not so sure when I’ll handle it – after I’ve gone through all of the experiments, or during? – but I suppose I could put it on-hold for a while more. Looking for a place to keep it as soon as I extract it from your planet has been one of the more pressing issues I still have to smooth out.”

Being stared at is not a new experience. For millennia, hundreds of Gems have taken to gazing at her in reverence, after all.

But, somehow, even without a visor, she feels…exposed as you look at her. Searching for something that she doesn’t know what.

You’ve given her this look so many times before, but every time never stopped from feeling like the first all over again.

“So you don’t know where to put it,” you began, ignoring or not noticing the relieved sigh Yellow lets out through her nose. “But you know how to take it out?”

That got her to raise a brow. “Of course I know how,” she said, unable to keep her incredulity from her voice. “The same way I put it in: using my ship.”

A blink. “Your ship,” you repeated slowly, as if savoring a foreign delicacy. “The same yellow hand ship, like Blue’s?”

“Yes? Do I have any other ship I don’t know about?”

“Oh, I seriously doubt the hand ship’s your only ship.” But you shake your head to get yourself back on track. “Okay, so if you’re using the hand ship, how exactly will you get the Cluster out of Earth’s crust?”

“It’s nestled in the mantle, actually,” she corrected. “And I’ll take it out by…taking it out. You grab things to take them. Don’t you?”

And that is how you went on a heated spiel about tsunamis and earthquakes and a repeating “oh, my God, Yellow, you’re insane”.

By the end of it, you were now lying down, and Yellow remains to be unmoved from your lap as she processed the information you just dumped on her.

You stifled a yawn, the comforting lull in the conversation making your brain all…droopy. Or maybe it’s your eyes getting droopy.

Either of them are getting droopy and sleep’s right around the corner because this cushion is criminally soft and Yellow’s warm weight is something you missed having on you.

“You’ll prolly need to have the Cluster, like,” the slight slur in your tone was paired by an absent scratch on Yellow’s head, “I dunno, phase through the earth…or something. Have it pass through quick and easy like a…like a…”

Another yawn overtook your words, and Yellow – so, so patient Yellow – reaches up to rest a gloved hand over the one you have drawing circles on her cheek.

“Like a bubble?” she offered, low yet warm like kindling.

“Yeah…” Your eyes are just about to close shut, especially when you felt her have your hip in her warm, warm palm. “Yeah, just like…your bubble…so no one has to get hurt and stuff.”

She gave you a squeeze there. “Then I’ll make sure the others hear about it, too.” She moved on your lap, twisting around until her angular jaw made itself home on your thigh.

Your cushion swallows you whole in its slow descent…

“I missed listening to your odd ideas.” You can hear Yellow, but you took it in stride. Dreams do tend to mix things up a lot. “Your thinking is very unpredictable. Most of the time, I feel like you’re not even doing that at all.”

Wow, okay. Who knew dreams can be rude? Damn.

“I still can’t figure out why you called me that time.” There was a pause, and a swirl of yellows and oranges came to life before you to encompass you with warmth.

And you’ve always paid your debts, so you answered (which is a mumble, at best, and a garbled string of noises under your breath, at worst), “Everyone kept crying and hugging me. I knew you’d be mad at me.”

The mass of warmth stilled for a moment, yet it still bobbed in place in odd patterns. “None of us like it when we scare you, you know.”

You do.

Try as you might to will that thought into the mass, you found yourself inexplicably relaxed. Unbothered.

“We missed you. I missed you. I know I haven’t showed it well, but…I do.”

Silly goose. Of course you can see that. That’s all you’ve been doing these past couple of months: watch, and see, and wait, and wonder if it’s all real, and…

Huh.

Why didn’t you think they’d miss you?

Why would they miss you?

You wouldn’t miss you even if it’s in exchange for the entire universe.

…A universe might be too much. Maybe a galaxy. Yeah. That’s probably enough.

Or is it not enough?

What were you think about again?

The warmth wrapped itself around you again, stopping you from your empty wondering and keeping you…there. In place.

So you can’t float.

And you can’t drop down, only to get crushed.

You’re just…here.

Face half-buried in pink locks, Yellow’s tired eyes watches over the steady rise and fall of your chest, taking in the slight twitch from your hand beneath hers on your hip.

A soft noise coming from the doorway had her eyes flutter open, cursing herself briefly for falling asleep as she turned her head towards it.

Just before the doors slid shut, she could’ve sworn she saw the end of a familiar, starry cape flick.

While Yellow tries to wrap her head around why it’s s familiar, White was leaning right next to the doors' control panel.

Her sigh did little to ease away the tension in her form.

And the image of you and Yellow curled up together—

Another sigh, sharper than the last, leaves her downturned lips.

She’s getting all worked up over nothing again, isn’t she?

No. That’s not right.

Yellow’s not a meager bouquet of picked flowers.

Yellow is…Yellow.

A friend(?).

Your friend.

Hands flexed at her sides, before she turned on her heel and quietly stalked far, far away from Yellow’s office.

Here she was: just about to ask Yellow if she could use her powers on her to give you a visit, but no, Yellow just had to take one step ahead of her.

It should’ve been her sleeping together with you. Her – White – and not Yellow.

Not Yellow, and her sharp, relentless tongue.

Not Yellow, and the cruel glares she’d give you each time.

Not Yellow, and…

And her body slumped in defeat over your prone form.

Powerless – just like Blue, just like White – as all they can do is wait for Steven to heal you and stop you from hurting.

She paused mid-step on her way to nowhere.

All of them were powerless when it comes to you.

It would’ve been insulting to think that: a mere organic rendering three of the most powerful beings in the galaxy weak and helpless.

It’s ridiculous.

She’s ridiculous.

Because what’s the point in getting jealous of her fellow Diamonds, when they're just as helpless as her in the middle of all of this?

But…

It’s the first time she’s seen you fall asleep with one of them in the same room as you.

Shouldn’t that mean something?

That, perhaps, there’s a way to keep oneself afloat in the middle of all of this?

A way that…you’ll prefer to have Yellow around instead of White?

Stars, she can’t keep her mind off of yellows and pinks and how nice the two colors look together and I wish. That’s all I can do, isn’t it?

Wish for something to change.

Wish that you don’t need to be so wary around her just like Steven does, just like Blue and Yellow are.

Wish that it was her holding you and keeping you safe because she failed. She failed when it mattered the most—

“White?”

Despite the genteel note, White still startled like she got yelled at. “B-Blue! Hello there!” She perfectly hid her wince at the crack in her voice.

But Blue didn’t mind any of that when she kept looking up at her with wide, worried eyes, a hand reaching out yet hesitating to touch her. “White, are you…all right?” she asked tentatively. “You’re…You're crying, love.”

Aghast, White’s hands flew to her face and, sure enough, wetness made contact to her fingertips. “Oh!” She managed to warble out a weak laugh, trying in vain to hide her face while subtly scrubbing her tears away with her cape. “Oh, no, this is—I was just reminiscing about, oh, memories and all of that sentimental nonsense. Introspection. You know how it is.”

Blue doesn’t seem to be convinced – stars, of course she doesn’t (“Introspection”? Really?) – as her gaze remained searching, and White remained vigilant in staying hidden.

“Do you want me to bring you to Elise?” Blue offered, open and kind and White very nearly balked at it all. “Perhaps she could—”

“No, no, I don’t need her!” At this point, White is simply hoping her voice is not too shrill as she stepped around Blue and gave her a limp-wristed wave. “She should be sleeping in this tine, after all. Wouldn’t want to disturb her immaculate schedule, yes? Of course we wouldn’t…”

If she hasn’t been too hasty to get away, she would’ve seen Blue watching her, eyes much bluer with sadness as her hand reaching out for White fell on her side.

She would’ve told White about how tarnished your “immaculate schedule” has been, and how maybe she could’ve helped you.

Because Blue clearly isn't capable of doing that.

Chapter Text

“What do you say to someone you haven’t seen – or even heard of – for two months?”

Breathe in.

Hold.

With your legs flat on the mat, you made sure your abdomen is pressed against the soft rubber, back arched and your upper body supported by your arms.

Breathe out.

“Keep that pose for thirty seconds.”

“But it’s not just “someone”. You know?” you reasoned, barely even wincing anymore at the sting from your abdominal muscles stretching out. “This is Blue! I’ve known her for, what, half a year tops? Sending her a simple “hey” shouldn’t be too hard. Right?”

Your company only licked its privates to clean itself up.

“Up next: the High Lunge.”

“God, but it feels so…bleh to say “hi” after all this time,” you went on, as you got on your feet to stretch one of your legs back followed by your arms reaching high overhead. “Maybe not “bleh”. I mean, it is shitty that I thought of doing this now when I’ve been holed up here the entire time. I probably could’ve snuck out to warp if I tried hard enough…”

Sure, you’ll have two Diamonds and one Doctor Maheswaran on your back over breaking the “stay in bed” rule, but it would’ve been worth it seeing Blue!

Although, not knowing where Blue is could ruin your plan. And Yellow or White or some poor Gem might find you out cold in the palace or on another colony entirely just to go looking for the elusive Diamond.

If that was to happen, you might get banned from using the warp pad. Forever.

And that would – in simple terms – suck ass.

“It sucks more not seeing her, though…” You let out a sigh, moving through another pose with the instructor’s digital voice a white noise in the background. “D’you think she’s…I dunno, is she upset it took so long for me to remember she exists?”

Ember only pins you with an adorably blank look that doesn’t really mean anything but you’re still grateful for its presence.

It’s been a while since you could enjoy talking about anything buzzing inside your mind to someone that listens – well, “listens” – while knowing they won’t give any judgements. The last time you did it, you were stuck in your dorm, just a sliver away from shutting down beneath the weight of academic stress because you only had Ember as a friend, then.

Admittedly, you have been stingy and awkward with most of your college mates; Nadia was the sole exception when she kept actively seeking you out after being paired to conduct a social experiment for whatever reason she deduced to herself.

She kept claiming you were, in her own words, “a shy flower bud that bloomed into the most gorgeous rose” once she learned more about you.

And then she stayed glued to your side ever since she spotted your jackass of a sibling just for her to “subtly” ask about them and what they like or what their hobbies are and “oh, she’s a chef? You must have me taste some of their works!”

Ah, the beauty of friendship and being a third wheel (and the pains of being a wingman because, God, you would’ve died from old age with how Azura kept being on the fence the whole time Nadia’s straight-up courting her because “what are you talking about? She’s just being a great friend!”).

…

Anyway.

Where were you again?

Oh, right. Loneliness and your weak-ass coping mechanism.

With a heavy sigh, you flopped across your mat to roll on your back and stare up at the ceiling, dead-eyed.

You didn’t want to bother Nadia with your problems before and you have no plans of changing that now, especially with those bouts of migraines she has popping up. Wouldn’t hurt if she drops by sometimes for a visit, but the last time you talked to her she was busy with her family business, so that crosses her out.

And your parents have the babies to worry about. Azura’s running her bajillion restaurants…

Now, all that’s left is Ember.

Ember and its blissfully ignorant dog-brain run by dog-problems, like…what's the best angle to throw its favorite toy or something.

But at least it doesn’t want to leave your room yet, right?

As soon as you thought that, however, Ember stared straight at the door for a solid second before making a run for it, claws skidding on the floorboard, only to stand up and scratch at the door.

I just had to jinx it, huh?

Another sigh, but this one’s more defeated than anything upset. “All right, all right,” you grumbled, taking your time to stand up and stretch a bit more in place despite Ember’s whines.

Are you being petty with your dog?

Yup. Unashamedly so.

Because you know you’re allowed to be petty with your dog, or with anyone who decided to go piss off and leave you wondering what’s going on or how she’s doing or where she is or what possessed her to take the whole “redesigning the palace” thing in her own hands—

You opened the door for Ember because you're just that chivalrous (despite sending it the stink eye), grumbling, “There, you happy now?”

But instead of the familiar hardwood floor outside your door, a deep blue hem of a floor-length dress took up space.

And Ember – ecstatic over seeing one of its friends again – stood up on its hind legs and clawed at the dress with high-pitched cries and yips.

“Oh.” Ice blue flicked in your direction first – hesitant, surprised – before settling at the furry animal, bending down a bit to its level to pet its head and give it a scratch behind the ear. “Hello there, creature.”

Then, she looked up at you beneath her lashes and she’s here. She’s here. She’s actually here. Ember, you’re getting a truckload of treats after this, I swear—

“And…hello to you, too, Elise.” Oh God, the way she says your name – a sweet, wispy note for your ears alone – did things to your gut and conducted a frantic orchestra in your heart and she’s still staring at you and a darker shade of blue dusted her cheeks the longer she stared and her gaze flicked back down to Ember and talk, goddamnit!

“Hey,” you managed to croak (thank God). “Hi. Blue. You’re—wow, you’re, uh, you’re here. In the flesh. In the light? You’re…in front of me. Wow. Okay. This is happening.”

All right, you were trying to get your tongue working earlier, but now’s the time to stop—

She bit her lip, and your eyes were drawn to the small movement that you could see the corner of her mouth twitching. Is she trying not to smile? “It seems to be the case, darling,” she lilted, something light edging her voice.

“Right. So.” You can’t help but twirl a lock of your hair that got loose from its tie, weight switching from one foot to the other. “How…How’ve you been?”

After a beat, she straightened and had her hands folded on her lap, her baggy sleeves hiding them from view, to your displeasure. “It’s been…busy,” she worded out carefully. “But manageable. I’ve handled far more in the past, honestly.”

“’Cause you’re a Diamond, yeah.” Oddly enough, your remark had her wilting a bit. Like…she didn’t want to be called a Diamond.

What’s up with that?

“Yes.” She sighed, looking away from you. “Because I’m a Diamond…”

Her already-soft voice trailed off, dissipating in thin air.

Silence jammed itself between you two, as if this “friendly” space hadn’t done that already.

And she looks so terribly unsure all of a sudden, a crease forming on her brow, shoulders tense and lip being worried between teeth. When she moved, something lurched inside your chest.

Because instead of moving towards you, she’s moving away—

“The palace!”

The yelp that exploded out of you got her to pause and tilt her head your way just to blink, which is, you know, fair.

You did your best to hide your fidgeting fingers beneath your shirt. “I, uh, I saw it. The palace. Um,” you shake your head, “I saw what you did to the palace and, well, it looks great. Beautiful, even! I really like Yellow’s office!”

Okay, tone it down, bud. You’re going to scare her.

Fortunately (for you), the weight steeling her shoulders lifted when she visibly perked up, that uncertain shine getting replaced by a familiar twinkle that twisted something inside your chest.

Clasped hands flew to her chin, trying (and failing) to hide the excited grin lighting up her face. “Oh, do you, really?” she lilted, her sweet whisper already brimming with thinly veiled delight.

Ever-eager to keep that light in her going, you nodded so hard your neck almost snapped right off. “Yeah! I never realized how dark her office was until you had those windows put up – and how they’re all lined with gold? It’s so nice to look at – and the flora? The water system going on? The little stairs? I can’t believe I’m saying this, but that's the only office in existence that exudes comfort and it really makes me wanna live there forever but Yellow wants me to be all hush-hush about…”

Your rambling trailed off, just as realization dropped in your stomach. Hard.

Confusion glittered in Blue’s gaze when you looked at her. “I…wasn’t supposed to tell you I came to the palace,” you said slowly, dread dragging each word out because Yellow trusted you’d shut your mouth but you didn’t and, God, you are such a shitty accomplice!

Without thinking, your reached up and held both of Blue’s hands between yours out of desperation, eyes wide and pleading as you took one step closer in her space. “Please don’t get Yellow in trouble,” you beseeched, lower lip jutted out for a pout that you know she can’t turn away from. “She just got so excited to show me her new powers – which are really amazing, you should’ve seen it – so she snuck me out. Don’t be mad. Please?”

Each second of silence was a nail on your head, and the longer her face continued to be lax while staring you down made that heat creep up your neck an inch higher.

Until she broke.

Her cheeks got encompassed by a darker shade of blue that she tries to hide by ducking her head. But it’s all in vain because, well, you are shorter than her, so…

“That’s not fair,” you heard her grumble.

And now you’re getting far too warm because of an entirely different reason altogether.

Or maybe it’s a particularly sunny day outside and it’s heating up the house?

(Even though October’s already clinging with its last days before November shows up? Sure.)

Still, you decided to play along. “What is?” you asked, head tilted.

Her hands – always, always bigger than yours – twitched within your hold but didn’t move out of it. “You know what I’m talking about,” she insisted, half-hearted and without any heat for her to emphasize her point.

“Well,” you lilted, taking another step forward until your toes brush the material of her dress. “I won’t be asking if I already know what you’re talking about in the first place, right?”

She pins you with this look.

Wide in disbelief.

Soft with wonder.

Shiny with warmth that welled up in her eyes—

Before she blinks it away quickly, turning her head and breaking the contact.

Without her hands to occupy the empty space in yours, you were left clenching them into fists, hiding them beneath your shirt.

And you’ve never been more envious of how easy it is to hide them when you wish you could hide yourself the longer this silence pressed on.

“You…” She still doesn’t face you, so you settled with talking to the wall. “You didn't have to come here.”

You forced out a chuckle, the sound grating to your ears. “I know I’m not the best company to have around. So. Yeah. I get it.”

“No, you don't.”

Startled, your gaze shot up to her.

And you can finally see her face – shadows and all – as she clutched both of her hands together, head tipped low. “Coming here is selfish of me,” she uttered, more to herself, and yet you latched onto every word intently. “Yellow tells me it’s not, but I know she’s lying.”

Her lips pressed together into a displeased line, brow furrowed tightly, steeling herself for your admittance that she’s right, you’re just pretending to be nice around her because that’s what a good person like you would do—

“I missed you, Blue.”

Despite the quiet in your voice – despite the soft, warm note intertwined with trembling hesitation – the Diamond still froze up.

And you feel like you’ve overstepped something – God, isn’t it weird to think about that? Overstepping when you used to know everything they like and don’t like that holding a conversation is easy as breathing? – you feel like you struck a nerve because she’s still not looking at you and you don’t want to push her into hiding again, not when she’s already here after weeks of silence and the not-knowing and wondering—

“How can you say that so easily?” she uttered, a strained note that disturbed the still air, a quiet hiss.

For a second, it reminded you so much of what it felt to be a deer cornered by a hunter. A mere speck before an all-powerful being.

It reminds you of that time…

Yet at the same time, not.

Because from the way she has her head bowed – in shame? Submission? – it confuses you which one is who anymore.

“I…” You tried looking for the right words to say, choosing to file away for later how…unsettling this weird disconnect you have between who you are now to the one from before. The one who knows everything and can slip into the role of peacekeeper at a moment’s notice. “I don’t…know.”

And it eats you away from inside-out. The not-knowing.

God, you hate the not-knowing.

If that’s not enough to leave you shriveled up in place, it was Blue’s sigh. Sharp.

Disappointed.

“I apologize,” she spoke, calculated. Clinical, almost. It makes your nails bite into your palms in deep crescents. “It wasn’t my intention to—ah, what do you call it again?” Her lips pursed for a moment, thoughtful. “Give you the spot?”

That got you to crack a smile. Just a little bit.

“Put me on the spot?” you offered, voice soft with patience.

Finally, she lifted her chin. Just enough for you to see her eyes shine. “Yes. That. I…” She absently played with her hands. “I only came here to show you something. I’ve been working on it for a while now, you see, and I’m not sure why but it still feels like there’s something missing, even after consulting Yellow. And she keeps insisting I turn to you for advice, but I want everything to be perfect before you can see it—”

“Blue, hey.” You take a step closer to rest your hands on her arms, steadying. And her mouth snapped shut at the sight of your smile. “It’s okay. I don’t mind. I mean.” As you gave her a comforting squeeze, you let out a quiet chuckle. “If it’s anything like what you did to the palace, then I’m sure I’ll love you—it!

Oh God, brain, why have you forsaken me.

“I’ll love it! Yup! Sure will! One-hundred percent!” you babbled, stepping around her after jerking away like she’s the boiling-hot butter to your corn kernel about to pop any second now.

(Weird analogy but that’s what your oh-so-useful brain shat out. So.)

And it really doesn’t help that when you looked over your shoulder to where she’s standing stock-still, her face is a shade darker than what you’re used to and you’re definitely not used to your heart fluttering like crazy as she timidly tucks away a lock of her hair.

“Uh.” Oh God, breathe, breathe, breathe—“Uh. I gotta go. Shower. Fresh up. You know. You know?”

Jesus, shut up. Shut your mouth. Never talk again.

“Oh!” That eager look on Blue’s face might seem manic on anyone else, but it just made her more adorable and, oh God, you can’t take this much emotion this early in the morning. “Actually, that’s perfect! I have a place in mind where you can take your “shower”.” The smile curled on her plush lips reaches her eyes, melting your heart into warm goo. “It’s even big enough for me to join you, if you’d like?”

…You know.

The innocent way she phrased that offer makes you think she wants to check on whatever shower she’s got somewhere because why else would she say something like that other than a very reasonable reason?

But your brain is not so innocent.

And maybe that would’ve flown over your head before because apparently you used to be such a huge blockhead that you needed to be kissed by White first then have crisis after crisis until you got that epiphany you’ve been looking for in the form of Greg Universe.

It’s…a doozy.

As clearly seen by the doozy of a trainwreck your thoughts are in right now—

So you did the only thing you can do.

Nearly tripping on your feet, you rushed to get to Azura’s door and rapped your fist against it until your knuckles became sore.

The door opened immediately, to your relief.

To your not-so-relief, however, Azura – the greatest, kindest, most mature older sibling you’ve ever had – was giving you this impish look that makes you want to sock her in the face.

“Heya, Berry,” she greeted, sickeningly sweet and totally up to no good. “There a prob, bub?”

“Why are you being annoying?” you ground out.

She lets out a scoff that’s way too amused to sound insulted. “Sheesh, grumpy much?” Then, she leaned closer to you, her grin broadening. “And here I thought you’d be over the moon for getting invited by one of your “friends”. Or is taking a shower together too tame for your “platonic bonding”?”

Oh God, she heard that?

“You fucking—” You hid your too-warm face in your hands to scream shortly. “What else did you hear?”

The heavy exhaustion weighing down your voice coaxed out a little amount of pity. “Uh, that tiny meltdown you had earlier. Something about you being so agreeable it’s concerning?”

Ah.

Your little slip-up.

God, just remembering it makes you age a century.

“Right. That.” A sigh, and you finally peeled your face off your palms to give her a tired look. “It’s…nothing. I think. Just.” Frustrated, you card a hand through your hair, messing up the tie it’s in. “I’ll be out for a while. Not sure how long, so.”

She laughed, quiet, as she leaned against the doorframe, phone held securely even as she crossed her arms. “Are you seriously asking me for permission right now?” she pointed out, more amused than incredulous. “You flatter me. As if anything I say can stop you or your Diamonds from doing whatever the hell you want.”

This time, you let out a scoff. “What am I? Twelve? Jesus.” At her mouth opening for a rebuttal, you shot her a glare. “I just want you to know so the parents won’t hunt me down as soon as they get back.”

Not only that, but a trip to the clinic for their monthly check-up? Doesn’t sound like a walk in the park.

So yes, you’re going to steer clear from hormonal, expecting moms and a dad practically vibrating sound particles from nervous energy and caffeine.

“Roger that. Hey.” Smiling, she gave a nod behind you. “Have fun out there.” A light tap on the earbud in her ear. “Dia says so, too, so no take-backs. Got it?”

Ugh, that's why someone’s in such a good mood. You’ve yet to see the day when chatting with Nadia for hours on end wouldn’t make an asshole like Azura be more asshole-y while floating on cloud nine.

So you rolled your eyes, waving her off. “Yeah, yeah, whatever,” you groused, already turning away. “Tell her I miss Chandra!”

Her scoff had you smirking. “Of course you miss the owl more,” she grumbled, before her eyes popped open, hastily holding the mic closer to her mouth as she moved to get back in her room. “No, no, no, I’m not saying Chandra doesn’t deserve to be missed. I miss her, too, you know!”

Hah, whipped.

…Then again, she is dating Nadia Satrinava, so it makes sense how even a hard-ass like Azura gets like that.

Honestly, though? You can’t see yourself “get like that” for anyone—

Your heart nearly jumped out of your throat.

At the odd silence that filled the hallway, Blue looked up from where she’s crouched.

Only to meet your stare.

“Ah.” A darker shade of her color dusted her cheeks, pulling away from Ember’s fuzzy stomach to stand up. “I was waiting for you, and your pet seems to be—anyway!”

The hand she offered was as open and as welcoming as her smile. “Shall we?”

Still reeling at what you’ve seen earlier – because Ember, the lucky little snot, looked like it had the best belly rub in history and, God, you’ve never been more jealous of a dog before – all you can do now was stare at her hand.

…Which made Blue falter, retracting her hand slowly. Reluctantly. “I…I apologize. I didn’t know what came over—”

“To Homeworld!” was your sudden shout. And before Blue can even snap out from being startled, you already snatched up her hand to drag her away.

A little stunned (and a lot more awestruck), Blue was left catching up to your purposeful stride, her attempt at hiding her blushing face in vain the longer she relishes your firm hold or the warmth of your palm against her cooler one.

Stuck in her flustered daze, she didn’t notice you throwing a dirty look over your shoulder.

A look that didn’t faze Ember, at all. If anything, it even wagged its tail at your attention, panting happily.

…

For the second time around, you got puzzled by what you’re seeing.

“Woah.” You don’t remember the throne room being this purple. But there’s another glaring detail you can’t miss. “Where’d your thrones go?”

Blue doesn’t say anything, except her smile was knowing. Without even looking, she can already tell you’re trying to get a better look at where you two are. All she has to do is give you a moment and—

“Wait.” Hands remaining linked, you turned on your heel a bit to look off the side to see… “A bed? Why would there be a—wait.”

Her smile grew a touch wider, eyes the barest of cracks just to catch a peek of your face.

And her gem soared at the sight of your grin nearly taking over half your face with how big it is – slack-jawed – while your gorgeous eyes were stars, only hindered by the visor you’re wearing.

Of all the Gems she created – of all the architecture she designed – being the reason behind your smile brings her inexplicable joy. True and unmatched. Especially after so long without it…

Stars, she missed it so much.

“Oh, my gosh, Blue!” With a giddy squeal, you grabbed her by the arm, bouncing on your feet as you gave her the full brunt of your childish glee. “Is this—? Did you really…?”

Laughter bubbled out of her – a little watery, but it's the softest she’s ever been – hand coming up to touch yours that's already kneading her arm. “It’s yours, darling,” she told you gently, head lowering slightly so she can meet your gaze. So you can see the transparent certainty shining in her eyes. “Everything here is yours.”

You didn’t know, but it always bothered her how barren your room was. Too much space for too little belongings. The result of putting together a room at short notice for a human she’s only known as a pet with a tongue as sharp as her wit, and a heart as weary as someone who has lived through millennia.

Perhaps that’s why it bothered her. She made your room without any idea of who exactly is she making it for. So instead of getting ahead of herself, she provided the space for your personality to breathe into this room.

Of course, you can only do so much. A small human doesn't need this much space in the first place, after all. But they do. Maybe that’s why you rarely ever requested for a new addition—you’ll be taking away the space they needed to come in your room whenever they like, until it became the only place where they feel most at home within the palace.

At least…

“We are going to obliterate everything in here.”

That was...before.

“She does NOT deserve a place in our home!”

Before the attack. Before the coldness.

Before you left.

Now, without your presence filling up the space, only then did Blue realize how empty this room was.

Hollow.

“Oh, I knew it's her!”

Startled, both of you pulled away from each other, the place where you touched her warm while your palms were cool. But neither of you dwelled on it for long.

Not when you have a stampede of tiny people running up to you, squealing and yelling and crying your name in a pitched choir—

“Pebbles!” you exclaimed, breathless, smiling, and teary-eyed as you immediately dropped to kneel on the warp, arms open wide as an invitation they've completely taken advantage of. “Oh, my little sweethearts…”

While you proceeded to shower the giggling Pebbles with kisses and nuzzling, Blue hid her hands in her sleeves lest anyone will see how…fidgety she’s being.

It's not because she’s jealous. Of course not. And if she was – which she most certainly isn’t – she’ll never be jealous of the Pebbles. After all, she’s already grown a soft spot for their youthful energies being poured into helping her redesign your room.

They remind her of Pink, in a way.

“D’you need help looking around, Lily?” one of them asked atop your shoulder.

Another hops in place along with the rest of the Pebbles, brightly waving their arms to catch your attention. “Or we can show you the greenhouse!” they yelled. “Did you know there’s a greenhouse now?”

“Isn’t it weird calling it “a greenhouse” when it’s not green?”

“What should we call it, then?”

“What about a planthouse?”

“No, no, no! It’s not made of plants, dummy!”

“A glasshouse?”

“Ooooooh, a glasshouse. ‘Cause it’s made of glass, right?”

“Sounds mysterious. Should we ask Blue?”

“Blue! Blue! Can we call the greenhouse a glasshouse from now on?”

“I made a Pebble in the glasshouse! It’s made out of dirt! I made a Dirt Pebble, Lily! Blue said it looks just like me! Wanna see it?”

“All right, little ones. Let’s not overwhelm her,” Blue chided, chuckling under her breath as she knelt beside you as well before shooting them a wink. “We don’t want to spoil everything, after all. Yes?”

Various gasps came from various Pebbles, their giggling bright and infectious.

“They’re all…” Your quiet whisper drew Blue’s attention, however, only to see you looking ahead—at the Pebbles who were busy murmuring and shushing each other into secrecy. Eyes darting from one Pebble to another. “None of them’s missing. Right?”

Puzzled, she was just about to ask what you meant—

Until she saw you fisting your shirt. Right where your stomach is.

Understanding came crashing into her, leaving her to blink away the tears welling in her eyes. “They’ve been in here the entire time, Elise,” she hastened to assure you, soft yet urgent to quell your worst fears. “Your room—it kept them safe. It kept them all safe. None of them knew what happened outside.”

(Later on, once you’re back on Earth – back home – you’ll remember what Blue said. How your room is built to withstand any outside force – be it seen or unseen – while the rest of the palace is left to crumble.)

(There's something to get from there. Something you can’t wrap your head around just yet. Not with the little cards you have in your hand.)

For now, all you can think is thank God.

The gravity may as well have hit you when your shoulders sagged in relief.

Thank God. Thank the stars. You would’ve been inconsolable if one of your Pebbles—

God, they won’t survive. They won’t survive one second out there. They could’ve gotten crushed by the gravity and you would've been powerless to stop it—

“Oh, no!”

You sucked in a breath at the tiny pairs of hands that pat your face all over.

And see the Pebbles, tiny faces stricken with worry, as they all look up to you.

“Lily, don’t cry!”

“Don’t cry, Lily. Please?”

Most of them pleaded for you to stop crying while the others climbed up your shirt, holding you as much as their tiny limbs can hold, and it breaks your heart even more because, God, you wish it’s that easy. You wish you can just suck your emotions back down when you will it hard enough.

But you can’t.

“I’m s-sorry,” you croaked, mustering a weak, trembling smile as you pushed your visor up to rub your eyes. “I-I just—I just really missed…all of you.”

“We missed you, too, Lily,” they all cooed, and they doubled their efforts in huddling closer. Working as the glue for their sad friend.

Except you still keep whimpering, letting out these tiny hiccups that broke something inside their chests, and it’s awful. They feel so…helpless—

Until one of them noticed their Diamond friend, sitting off to the side with her hard gaze pinned on her fists, both of them clenched on her lap.

“Blue?” one of the Pebbles called out, brows furrowing even deeper when the Diamond seemed to...startle? “Why aren’t you hugging Lily?”

For a split-second of clarity, you wondered why they would say that.

Until the thought of Blue – sitting there and watching – came in bulldozing through the rest of your feelings. Because Blue didn’t come to see you again – after all this time – to have you curl up and cry, damn it.

Pull yourself together.

Hastily, you waved everyone away as you rub your eyes. “I-It’s okay!” Voice cracks. Always reassuring. “Just got a little overwhelmed, is all. Nothing a refreshing shower can’t fix!”

Wracked with nerves vigor, you got to your feet, sharply turning on your heel to face away from where Blue is before slipping on your visor again.

“Really?” one of the Pebbles you’re cradling to your chest asked, doubtful.

Another poked your cheek from their perch on your shoulder. “But what about Blue?” they prodded.

“It’s all right,” Blue answered for you, distant. Quiet. It tempted you to look over your shoulder to check on her—

But you forced it down. No need to make a bigger fool out of yourself, after all. So you went on your way to the entrance to your bathroom; now with vines climbing along the doorway, you noticed, soft purple blooms dotting the rich green.

As the doors slid shut behind you and your Pebble entourage, Blue released a sigh, head bowed and shoulders heavy.

“What a disaster,” she uttered to herself, pinching the bridge of her nose. At a time when you needed comfort – when you needed someone to hold you – she froze up. Unbelievable. No wonder you wanted to get away from her so badly.

If Yellow or White was in her place…

Another sigh. Another stab of resentment she has to brush off. Because what use is there for any amount of jealousy to dwell in her being?

After all, who wanted to see you get down on your knees and beg for forgiveness? Who helped make sure you have no part in White’s life anymore? Who belittled your entire existence and terrified you so much you wanted to run away?

And this time, she can’t blame you for leaving.

Tears welled up, but she quickly wiped them off. She can’t cry now. She’s not the one hurting—you are. She hurt you.

A noise spilled out of her, but she muffled it behind a hand. Her sight continued to blur with tears.

Yet that look you gave her – as you pressed yourself close to the wall, as you tried to get as much space between you possible – still sits fresh at the forefront of her mind.

Stars, she hurt you. She hurt you just because you hurt them. She saw you as her light – her world, her hope – and she hurt you. She hurt you, and you took it.

How does that make her any better?

“Blue?”

Stiffening, her head snapped up to where she heard the soft voice. Only to relax once she sees who it was.

“Little one.” She forced out a chuckle while brushing away her tears. “You startled me. Is there something you need?”

The small Pebble shifted on their feet, tapping their little nubs together, looking horribly unsure as they eyed her worriedly.

Despite her weariness, the sight made her crack a smile before offering a hand.

Hastily, the Pebble rushed over, ignoring her open palm to leap into her stomach. Laughter got startled out of her when she feels them burrow their face, arms clinging to her dress tightly.

“Please don’t cry, Blue,” they beseeched, a muffled blurb of words against her. “Aren’t you happy Lily’s home?”

Home…

It’s been a long time since you called the palace “home”.

And if she’s being honest, even after all these renovating, staying in the palace doesn’t bring her the same sense of belonging as before…

“I am happy,” she assured them, a little lie to soothe their worries. “Things are just…a bit more complicated, I’m afraid.”

That made the Pebble pull back, face twisted into an adorable frown. “Why don’t you tell Lily?” they continued to prod. “She always helped you out before, right? What’s different now?”

Everything.

“Why did you come to me, little one? Did something happen?” she asked, instead.

Brows still furrowed, they clearly mulled over their choices. Until they settle with, “Lily’s having trouble with the…” Their face scrunched up again, tapping their head. “With those colorful bottles Yellow brought over. She said she doesn’t know which one to use. But shouldn’t she be using all of them?”

Ah, those. Blue remembered Yellow having scientists experiment on some fragrances before. Mixing together different flora to procure the loveliest aromas; her favorite has the smell of rain on fresh blooms the color of the hottest star in the galaxy.

Although, she must admit, Yellow’s detailed description on what each of those bottles are storing did get lost on her…

“Perhaps, she should choose which one smells best?” she suggested, after a thoughtful pause.

But that doesn’t seem to be the answer the Pebble is looking for when they threw their arms up. “That’s what we’ve been trying to tell her!” they complained. “But she kept saying that’s not how it goes!”

Their fuming got her to smile. They remind her so much of you and the others…

“That’s why you got to help!”

With that, they hopped off her. And before she can even blink, they’re already pulling on her dress with all their might, urging her to move already.

“Ah, little one.” Although puzzled, she began to stand, letting them tug her along. To the bath chamber? “Shouldn’t you be fetching Yellow? She did make those things, after all.”

They looked at her oddly because of that. “But you’re already here,” they reasoned, just as confused as she is. “You can help Lily as much as Yellow and White can. Just like that time Lily came home crying because of Earth. Remember?”

And it made her stop.

She remembers...confusion shared between her fellow Diamonds. The freezing clutches of terror once they saw your few possessions thrashed about your room. Your anger, your helplessness—

And she remembers you reaching out for them. Like they were the only things keeping you afloat. Keeping you from succumbing to whatever darkness is simmering deep inside you that day.

She helped you. Once, twice, thrice—she’s lost count at this point, but she helped you because she’s here and…

She cares about you. She still does.

And no amount of resentment or jealousy can stop her from caring about you.

With that in mind, she straightened her shoulders, before going over to the bath chamber, the Pebble perking up as they went ahead and sliced a hole on the floor to get there faster.

However, Blue paused in front of the doors, took in an unnecessary breath, and pressed a button for them to open.

The smooth marble was cooler under her feet as she crept in, and pride bloomed inside her gem as she takes everything in.

Lilac colored the floors and walls, picture windows allowing a glorious sight of Homeworld from the balcony outside while letting in light. Only to be caught by the large globule of water floating at the very center of the room, suspended close to the ceiling. From it, whoever’s in the pool down below may have water curtain every corner of it as a display of privacy or simply use it as a light shower, which she remembers you being fond of—

“Aw, this smells good, too.”

Handing back another bottle, you hid a smile as the Pebbles bustled around you, whining and groaning.

Are you mean for reveling in their fussing? Maybe. But you can’t help it! They’re too cute for their own good!

And this shower’s way better than the last one by a landslide. You can almost imagine you’re back home, listening to the rain, instead of taking a soak in a pool too big for only one person—

“Blue!”

Your smile dropped, just as the Pebbles cheered.

“Blue’s here! Blue’s here!”

“Blue, can you help us?”

“Lily’s being a big bully!”

“She’s not a bully! She’s just picky!”

“Really picky!”

But they all stopped when you suddenly dunked the rest of your body into the water, until all that’s showing is your head swiveling around to face the entrance.

“Blue!” you hissed, mortified. “What the heck happened to privacy?”

Damn it, this reminds you so much of the last and first time any of them barged in while you’re on “bathroom break”.

(It’s not your fault your gut’s all fucked up after eating that amazing Bicol express, and White wouldn't have a hand soap dispenser thrown at her face if she wasn’t too impatient.)

However, this time, instead of listening to a Diamond hastily make up excuses on the spot…

 “I…I’m sorry, Lily,” a Pebble spoke up. “I asked Blue to come.”

They were quiet. Even quieter than the meekest Pebbles.

“I thought it’ll be okay for her to come in because you let us in,” they continued, and you can almost imagine them scuffing their feet on the floor, guilty. “I’m really sorry. Please don’t be mad at Blue.”

…Damn it.

You let out a sigh, sweeping your wet hair off your face. “Pebbles, can you leave us for a moment, please?” you asked, already turned away as you listened keenly to their little noises and the stone clicking in place.

The silence pressed down on your shoulders. Hard.

Swallowing, you submerged your head underwater and just…stayed there for a few seconds. The pool is deep enough for you to feel like floating, but not too deep for it too feel bottomless.

Blue really made sure to get every detail down, huh.

When you rose back up, the shower continued to pelt your head. And you feel a presence nearby.

Thank God the water’s cooling you off, or else you’re forced to hold a conversation all dumb and flustered. Like earlier.

God, you really wish nothing from earlier ever happened.

“You’re not supposed to see me like this,” you began, voice even and measured.

“Because of your human etiquette, yes?” she prompted, completely unbothered by your…state.

You know, to be fair, White wasn’t that bothered catching you taking a dump, too, so maybe it’s just a Gem thing. Which checks out since they’re…sentient, light-based, rock beings.

“I mean,” you huffed a little, “sure, I guess, but...” You’re half-tempted to go back down the water. “I just don’t want you to see. Or Yellow. Or White.”

Especially White.

“May I ask why?”

Damn it, now you’re really tempted to go underwater.

“I...” You faltered, hesitating. This is the first time you saw her again, and all you’re going to do is whine about something? Does she even need to know this?

A cool hand cupped your cheek, bringing you back out.

“Tell me,” Blue insisted, yet her voice was absent of any urgency. Only soft. Coaxing. “Please. I want to help you in any way I can.”

“I hate looking at me!” you blurted out before your brain could put a stop to it. “And I know—I just know you’ll hate looking at me, too.”

A pause.

This was a bad idea.

Should you laugh it off? You should laugh it off. Maybe throw in a joke for good measure—

“Oh, darling.” Your breath hitched, heart jumping against your ribcage as she drew in so close you can feel her words flutter on your chin. “In what universe made you think I’ll ever hate looking at you?”

And it stings. It stings because she sounds like your Raindrop, and you want to stay right here and talk to her for hours—

Although shaken up, you managed to force out a laugh. “Right. Whatever you say—"

“I love you, Elise.”

Your mouth snapped shut, stunned into silence. Yet your heart kept pounding so, so loud in your ears.

Longing to be heard.

Light fingertips tucked locks of hair behind your ear. “Waking up to see your face,” she went on, a quiet murmur only meant for you to hear. Almost like a prayer. “Watching you smile. Hearing you laugh. Stars.” Laughter bubbled out of her, frail and wet. “I missed all of it. I missed you. I missed you, too, my love. More than anything.” Then, she cradled your cheek again, and your heart raced even more.

She’s so close, you could almost feel her forehead press against yours. “You have no idea how much I’ve been missing you. Missing us.”

You can’t stop your scoff as you pulled away from her and you felt just a little colder without her touch. “Well, I can’t exactly tell from you disappearing on me. But.” A sigh. The heel of your palm rubbed your forehead. “I guess I don’t have any room to be upset, huh.”

“Of course you have,” she was quick to insist, her hand quicker when you can feel her fingertips graze your cheek. “You’re allowed to be upset, love—”

“It’s fine. I’ll get over it. Just…” Another sigh. Resigned. “At least leave a note when you go away next time. Okay?”

A pause. You feel her eyes bore into you.

Before her hand retreated. “Very well,” she finally uttered.

Another beat of silence that weighs heavy on your shoulders. Threatening to have you sink deep into the water until you claw for air.

…You hate it.

You hate the silence a lot.

You hate how awkward you are around Blue. But worst of all?

You hate not knowing how to fix this. Sew up the tear. Fill out the rift.

How do you…do any of these?

“Um.” Clearing your throat, you waded closer to the edge of the pool, vigilantly keeping the rest of your body neck-down hidden in the water. “You, uh, you got any favorites?”

You can almost see her blink and tilt her head, confused. “Excuse me?”

You gave a nod to where you think the weird, levitating shelf is. “The bottles. There’s…a lot of them.” Your shoulders lifted briefly, a sheepish grin on your mouth. “Can’t exactly go through them one by one.” At least not without wasting hours figuring out which is which until you give up.

Which you’re definitely doing right now because who the hell cares if you use body wash as a shampoo anyway. Blue probably wouldn’t know the difference!

At least, you hope so…

The sound of glass clinking together had your ears twitching.

“This one,” she whispered close to your ear, popping open the cork for its mild and oddly minty aroma to drift into your nose.

(And that was definitely not a shiver up your spine. Nope.)

(Get your head out of the gutter, me.)

“Oh, wow. That does smell good,” you found yourself saying after taking in a deep (calming) breath.

The awed note in your voice made her let out a happy hum as she sets down the bottle, making sure to have it clink a little louder for you to know where it is. Although, her delight did grow dim when you waded closer to her, face set into a troubled frown that she would’ve kissed away—

If you’ll let her, that is.

…Ah, well. Wistful thinking. Perhaps she should leave—

“Blue?”

“I'm here, darling,” was her ready reply, not skipping a beat.

And she can’t…exactly tell why you seemed to shrink, frown twisting into that adorable pout.

Before you sunk into the water.

Stray bubbles popped at the surface, yet her eyes never strayed from your curled up shape underwater. It’s curious how you insisted on hiding yourself down there, as if she can’t see most of your body through the clear water in the first place.

“Can I ask one more thing?” came your breathless gasp as soon as you resurfaced, the urgency in your voice making her straighten a bit.

“Of course.”

Brow furrowed, a deep inhale—

“Wash my hair?” you managed to push out in a single breath. And it’s…odd how it’s worded as a demand, but the question at the end…

Either way, it didn’t take much for Blue to comply.

Although wordless, feeling her legs rest on either side of your body had you lighting up, already shifting in place to turn your back to her as you rested against the pool.

Surrounded by Blue, it’s hard to say whether you’re content because of that or her lathering your head should take all the credit.

Honestly, who can blame you?

“You know…” You quickly latched onto her soft musings, craving for more, and more, and more. “I think I only have two of these odd solutions back at my extraction chamber. Of course, I barely use them in the first place.” She chuckled at that, low and quiet. “But I must admit, I’m a little jealous that Yellow made all of these for you.” Then, she gave a lock of your hair a gentle tug. Teasing. “She’s taken to spoiling you again, it seems.”

…Huh.

Okay.

What the hell do you say there?

Face heating up, you would’ve dunked your head underwater again if it wasn’t for Blue. “Well. Um.” Thoughts ran amok inside your brain, only few coherent, and even rarer are the ones that have any logic behind them.

“I don’t mind. Us sharing, I mean,” you finally managed to get out. “You can borrow my stuff if you find something you like. O-Or you can just ask Yellow to make you some! I bet she won’t mind. You’re her world.”

There’s something about the way you uttered those last words that made Blue’s gem even warmer. So tender and sweet. Like a well-kept promise.

It reminds her so much of how Yellow utters her name when they’re alone together.

“I think I’ll take you up on your offer,” she spoke lightly, before tapping the back of your head, smiling. “Don’t be alarmed if you have a few missing on your shelf someday, all right?”

A sharp puff of air. “Okay.”

…And it took Blue an embarrassingly long time for Blue to realize that’s you laughing.

It’s so quiet…

But she only forced down the thought, regardless of how dry her throat suddenly feels.

Wordlessly – stiffly – she coaxed you to straighten. One of her hands gestured smoothly in the air to control the shower, while the other stayed in your hair, combing through it and letting the water do its work.

The quiet drizzle became your conversation. And she can’t help but sigh in relief because of it. She’s not yet sure how to keep chatting like normal. As if nothing happened between you to cause your laughter to be so, painfully quiet—

With the length of your hair, she only realized she’s touching your back once she felt something…uneven beneath her fingertips. Something gnarled and twisted. Rough.

So unexpected from where she knew soft skin was supposed to…

Her mind went blank once she swept aside your wet hair.

Because all she can do is stare.

At the darker patch of skin – cerise – nearly encompassing the entire length of your back.

And right at its epicenter – where skin got twisted  with branches coming out of it – is a pale mass of tissue, forcefully sown together where you got torn open by that damned weapon—

“Blue?”

Suddenly, she got thrown back at the present.

Where she’s sitting in a newly renovated bath chamber, perched on the edge of the pool, with you right there between her legs.

Alive, and breathing, and a million thoughts kept secret behind beautiful eyes, and laughter that got so weak, it left her gem aching.

“Everything okay back there?” you continued to call out at her silence, brows furrowed in fuzzy confusion. What? It's not your fault she’s far too good with her hands—

But your heart nearly jumped out of your throat when a cool palm rest on your back, chilling you down to the bone.

“Does it hurt?” But Blue—her voice is too warm, her fingers barely grazing your cheek when she tucks your hair behind you ear, and you can’t.

You can’t find it in you to be mad at her.

“I told you not to look,” you still grumbled, halfhearted at best.

And a jolt ran up your spine when you feel her palm change position, her entire hand now resting perpendicular as her thumb rested on the small of your back while the rest of her fingers curled on your side; the gesture far too tender that it left  you sharply sucking air through your teeth, shuddering.

“My Light, please.” And her voice – her words, her pleading – doesn’t do wonders for your quickly crumbling resolve.

Damn it.

“It feels like something’s pinching my skin most of the time. I keep wanting to scratch it, but Doctor Maheswaren will scold me for it,” you admitted, embarrassed and a little sheepish by what you confessed.

But your lightheartedness ebbed away, now replaced by a quiet, somber fog that had you staring blankly at the sparkling water you’re in. “Sometimes…” You breathed in deeply. Before sighing. “Sometimes, I can’t move at all. Doctor Maheswaren said it’s normal, though. Still fairly new and everything.” A shrug. “She suggested I stretch every day to keep it from going stiff. It’s pretty effective. And I got meds for managing the pain, so it’s all good.”

The conversation fell silent after that. Except for the soft drizzle from the shower pattering softly on the water…

You…have no idea what Blue’s thinking right now.

But to be fair, you didn’t exactly plan to talk about this to either of them. Not so soon, at least. After all, it still makes you want to skin yourself alive each time you caught a glance at it.

And it’s normal to think that way.

You’d much rather fantasize about carving out your skin instead of glorifying something as extreme as killing yourself for turning into a pink zombie—

“Was it ever...like this before?”

Despite yourself, a chuckle still escaped you, curt and dry. “I think the first one’s still the worst, to be perfectly honest.”

Lifting a hand, your pruned fingertips grazed your chest. Right where a tiny scar still marred your skin to this day.

“There’s no doctor checking on me, so I had no idea what’s going on. I…” Another awkward puff of air, before your hand sunk back down into the pool. “I wasn’t in the right mind at the time.”

Recovering from months' worth of trauma for getting forced into servitude, always staying on-guard to watch out for literals gods with hair-triggers for a temper, dying by the hand of said god before getting reanimated into a life of a zombie (which effectively destroyed any plans for a normal life) can do that.

But looking at all of…that from where you are now makes you glad you got out of it.

Even now, you’re still grateful you gave the same people who hurt you a chance to better themselves. And you’re lucky – so lucky – they returned the sentiments tenfold.

Because unlike Gems, humans are led by far more complicated lines of thinking that leave their paths all blurry. Whereas most Gems are pragmatic enough to keep Point A and Point B in clear sight, emotions fog up the connection between the two for humans.

Maybe that’s why you never expected White and the others to do the things they did. Especially the things they did for you.

With the condition their empire’s in, it would make sense for them to focus all of their attention in reconstructing it from the ground up. Honestly, when they invited you to live in their palace, you were prepared to be left on your own devices most of the time while they’re out traveling planet to planet.

…But that’s before you’ve discovered who White truly is. After that, Blue followed suit. Then Yellow.

And now you’re sitting in a bathroom far beyond your imagination, with a lavish room of your own designed to your taste right outside.

What a curveball.

“I wish you can heal completely…”

But the most mind-boggling thing that can ever happen to you is…this.

Having Blue Diamond – one of the most fearsome leaders of an entire race – rub your back, her powers seeping deep into your skin to soothe away any lingering aches.

Then, she finished her gentle musings with something soft pressing on your nape. “I hate the thought of you being in pain.”

Her breathe was a cool, refreshing breeze on your back, leaving you gasping as goosebumps sprung up in its wake. But the water dribbling down your cheeks was warm and—oh.

“Honestly, I’m—” Then, you laughed.

Wet.

Cracked.

Light.

“I’m just happy to be alive right now.”