Work Text:
You don't know how long you've been able to keep it together and you find it amazing really, that you've been able to be strong for so long.
This wasn't your year and you knew it just like the sky was blue. Walking through the threshold of your little home in the kind cul-de-sac that was your neighborhood, your thoughts raced through your skull faster than a train. They sent you home early today from your part time job which was slowly killing your mentality. To add fuel to the fire, you were the outcast at your job; the one that did all the work while the others snickered and played Angry Birds on their phones. You couldn't go to your boss about it because she would chime right in with them, leaving and trusting you to work like a pack mule.
The endless job hunts were fruitless, each opportunity being in another state or filled with unmet qualifications. By now your friends had developed their careers and were more successful than you ever dreamed. You were happy for them, but at the same time, the hideous beast known as depression began to rear its ugly head. Sighing to yourself, you wondered if maybe following your dreams was a good idea at all. Maybe it would have been better to abandon those dreams and take up a typical 9 to 5 at an office and be completely miserable. It was what your parents wanted and maybe, just maybe you should have listened to them. Damn it all, you didn't know anymore.
At this point you were growing desperate and praying for a successful interview or at least a callback. But by now, you knew how to tell the fake grins on the boss' faces and know that there was no chance they would call you for whatever reason. Knowing them, they would probably hire someone in the family to do the job. You even began to doubt yourself and everything you did, which at times made you negatively question yourself. With every question asked you could feel your inner demons growing stronger and whispering words into your ears at every chance they could,'What if you fail at life? What if you never accomplish your goals? What if your dreams like you, are a waste? Why couldn't you be like your friends, you'd have a life by now' and you, having no choice would listen. Sometimes they suggested the idea of suicide, to throw your dreams away into a blissful oblivion, and it wasn't the first time.
The culmination of everything brewed in your brain like a wicked stew that your mentality drank every minute and you were succumbed to the bitter taste. This nasty aftermath would even push you to stay awake throughout the night, lying beside your boyfriend, Mark Fischbach, while he slept contently. Every morning when he awoke, you would pretend to be asleep. Face buried in the pillow to hide any tears you've quietly cried the night before. You could feel the bed shift carefully so that he wouldn't wake you from your "slumber" and the soft kiss he would leave on your crown before going about his business.
Having been with Mark for nearly a year and a half (two years come June 22nd), you knew you could trust the man with your life; why you lived with him and shared the rent, the groceries, the laughter and pillow forts, and everything in between. You both worked well like Octodad and Scarlet and wouldn't have it any other way. Yet you had a way of hiding your darker emotions as you have done all your life. You had grown accustomed to burying depression like a corpse in a graveyard and building a wall around that filled hole so that it would never rise. From this wall you gained independence, knowing how to tame your inner monsters and depression without the help of anyone. It molded stubbornness into your personality which was a curse and a blessing. Somehow, Mark tolerated or accepted that (silently you hoped he accepted it as another flaw of yours) and you were nonetheless thankful for that.
You always wore this wall like a medal on your breast, content in knowing that this was how the monsters were handled, and you could go another day without him seeing you break or cry. You could never be seen as weak, you had to be strong like a fortress because you knew how cruel the world was, and what it thought of those with depression. Whenever he would leave the house you would break for a while until he walked through the threshold, where you sprinted for the bathroom and wiped the tears from your face with a cold wash cloth.
But today was different. In your head you could feel the bricks crumbling, an earthquake of emotions tearing through your very soul as you gripped the door handle rather tightly, and locked it behind you. Mark didn't hear the click of the lock which made you breathe a sigh of relief as you tried to suppress the thundering thoughts in your mind. Knowing Mark, he was probably making another video for his channel. Pressing your back against the door, you could feel your heart competing with your mind to restore the fractured bricks in your head. The harder you leaned against the door, the more you hoped that it would hold up the wall in your head.
The room seemed darker than normal, as though your monsters may reappear again and whisper in your ears. Or perhaps it was your lack of sleep that made the world seem shadowy and bleak. Your head pounded as you stared into the empty space of the hardwood floor beneath your feet. Silently, you wondered if your boss sent your home because she knew how your sleep was affecting your work. Maybe they were caring for you and you never knew it or you were just being paranoid.
As for your job, you knew you couldn't take it there anymore. You needed a change, a stable salary that could carry you and Mark, and a nicer, kinder environment. You worked so hard for your dream job and yet the more you pursued it, the easier it seemed for it to slip from your grasp like a soaked snake. What if you couldn't find anything and found yourself doomed to continue your repetitive, dead end job? What if everything you worked for was for naught and what if, just what if, it was all meaningless in the end? What if the monsters were right and everything was insignificant, including you, your dreams, and everything you did for them? The very notion suddenly filled you with fright and despair as your heart seemed to collapse into your toes, leaving a painful, open wound in your chest that throbbed and ached.
The floor felt cold against your knees as you hit the ground with a soft thud. Those damned thoughts broke your walls, your fortress fumbling and tumbling. Grabbing a hold of yourself you pressed your palms against the cool, hardwood floor. Quietly cursing, tears collected at the corners of your eyes. Slowly bringing your arms to your hips, you felt your body quiver horribly and more tears rise, now diving like kamikaze. Tension suffocated you as you hoped that Mark wouldn't see or hear you.
At the end of the hallway footsteps stopped. You froze like a deer in the headlights, knowing who else occupied this house. Your walls were gone and your demons were dancing in your skull, relentlessly firing obscenities into the dark and rendering you helpless.
"BABE!"
Their words strangled your brain as your spine grew rigid, as though someone stabbed you and refused to release the blade. Through the thoughts you could hear the footsteps breaking into a sprint as though the world was about to end. Quickly drawing your hands to your face, you didn't want Mark to see you like this. He never saw you like this before and you'd be damned if he'd see you like this now. You tried so desperately to repress your sobs, but they eluded you like foggy clouds. Your walls were broken and you couldn't do anything about them which upset you even more.
The footsteps came to a dead halt and in the blink of an eye you felt Mark's arms around you, pulling you into his chest. Not wanting to ruin his shirt, you pressed your face into your palms as he embraced you tightly.
"Babe, what's wrong?" His soft, scared voice slid its way through your sobs as you shook your head. Understanding, he nodded and kissed your forehead.
"It's okay, I'm here for you. I always will be."
You don't know how long you melted into the warmth of his arms and felt the floor vanish beneath your frame. Time seemed to fly in your mind as your walls tried to repair themselves, but crumbled with every attempt. Despite his warm hands at your back, you felt so cold and shivered beneath your skin. While sobbing into your hands and monsters whispered in your ears, Mark held you close; never letting you break from his embrace. After what seemed like hours, Mark spoke once more with his gentle tones that wove their way through your ear drums and up into your brain. His mere voice alone halted the work on the walls in your head that tried so badly to rebuild themselves.
"Babe, what's wrong?"
His innocence rang in the question as you felt yourself break again, tearing your hands from your face and reaching for the back of his shirt. Gripping the fabric in your hands, you pulled yourself as close as possible to him. You felt his body shift as he allowed you to do so, holding you closer to absorb all your sorrow. You mentally chastised yourself for ruining his shirt with your tears, but in that moment you didn't seem to care. Your heart strummed so fast it sounded like silence.
"I…I…," you started, knowing how patient he was.
"I've…been…s-so damned depressed, y-you…you have no idea andI'msosorry." The last few words were fast, knowing you should never apologize for feeling the way you felt, but you couldn't help it.
"There's no need to be," he whispered.
"B-but I-I've been hidi-hiding it…allthistime…," you hushed those three words, ashamed of not telling him sooner.
"It's okay," he whispered again into your crown.
"B-babe, would you…would you m-miss me if I…I was gone?"
"What do you mean?" The fear rose in his voice like a ghost from the grave.
"Just…just ending it all."
You could feel his embrace loosen, but only for a mere second at the idea of you being gone from his life. No sooner that second vanished, his embrace grew tight. Biting his lower lip, he rested his forehead against your crown, needing to be as close to you as humanely possible.
"Babe…I couldn't stand to lose you," he started, the mere images of a lonely bed and a tombstone rocked his brain like a tsunami to a fishing boat. Biting his lower lip, he immediately swallowed any tears building up within him like a shot of hot sauce.
"You mean everything to me. I love you, more than you'll ever know. To lose you…I couldn't even bear to think of it, let alone handle it. "
Kissing your temples, he quickly cupped your reddened cheeks in his hands and raised your face to him. Through bleary eyes, you saw concern rapidly swelling in his chocolate orbs. Instantly, you drew your hands to his, tempted to pry them away from your rosy face. He was seeing you in all your vulnerability and it rattled your core, dismantling whatever walls dared to try and rebuild themselves. Yet those eyes of his, those gentle eyes held an unrivaled sea of concern, swirling with a whirlpool of sadness he tried to hide. Those eyes swam with waves of admiration that made your chest stop throbbing in pain and eased it, like the calm after a storm. Your fingers clung to his, not wanting to break the stare or lose sight of any emotion he conveyed in those orbs. With every passing second those eyes seem to silence the monsters in your head, their voices fading into a deep dark void of your mind that you never knew.
"Damnit, Mark," your shoulders slumped, your raspy voice resounding in his ears. The silence of your mind had never been so comforting until now and only now, could you focus on your beloved boyfriend. Watching you with worried eyes, he caressed your cheeks softly with his thumbs.
"I'm sorry…"
Placing a firm kiss on your forehead and cheeks, Mark pulled you close to him once more. Stroking your hair, your arms loosely wrapped his frame. His reassuring tones resurfaced like a diver and dove deep into your soul.
"There's no need to be," he paused, watching your every movement as though you would vanish from his sight.
"Listen, I know times are tough, but I believe in you. I know it's not easy to accomplish your dreams and I know you've been working hard. You've been busting your back at your job and what you want to do in life. I know what you want to do and you can't give up. You've come so far, you can't just throw it all away. You have to keep working at it because trust me, it's all worth it in the end."
A tiny smile drew itself on his face as you returned the little curve of the lips. You knew he was right, after all he never stopped pursuing his dream and not once did he abandon it. He was a Youtube celebrity and you believed in him, just as he believed in you. You knew that if he could do it, then so could you. You felt deconstructed yet relieved, knowing he tore through the walls and any future walls that would be built. Even the demons in your head seemed to be gone for good; even though there was a possibility they could return. But you knew that Mark would be there to fight them off with his loving support.
"It's been…really wearing me down, you know," you spoke, your voice returning to normal as he nodded.
"I can tell, you've been so tired lately. You really need to sleep."
Slowly rising before you, Mark extended his hands, flexing his fingers, and you took them without hesitation. Helping you up, he pulled you into a hug and booped your nose. Your small smile exploded into a grin filled with laughter that made him smile with relief that you were by his side and feeling better.
It didn't take long for you both to reach the bedroom. Never before had a bed seemed so inviting, as you couldn't wait to dive beneath the covers and fall asleep. Both you and Mark knew how badly you needed to rest, judging by how dark the marks were beneath your eyes. Even your skin seemed to lose a burst of color, when that happened you didn't take notice nor cared. Grabbing your pajamas, you rushed to the bathroom and took a quick, hot shower. Between the scent of the soap and the sauna like shower, drowsiness started to take its toll. Yet you knew how badly you needed it as you allowed it to dominate you. You hurriedly dried and changed into your pajamas, only to stumble out of the bathroom and find that Mark had arranged the bed into a pillow fort.
"Mark," you giggled, unable to contain yourself.
"What did you do?" You couldn't help but to laugh at the large fortress of pillows that took over the mattress as he stood with a grin on his handsome face.
"I made you laugh," he spoke with a heartwarming voice that made you melt. Standing before you, he softly kissed your forehead and held you close.
In his arms, everything seemed right. You knew you would accomplish your goals and fulfill your dreams someday; you just had to keep believing and working. With Mark by your side, you knew you wouldn't fall because he would always be there to lift you up. As for your job, you knew sooner or later something would open up, and you would not hesitate to seize that opportunity. Until then, you had to keep applying and looking. For now you and Mark could support each other and your rental home, which satisfied you both.
"I love you, babe."
"Love you too, Mark," your tones were heavy with exhaustion as you both knew you were down for the count. Quickly leaving your side, Mark jumped into the fortress and sprawled himself out, taking up half of the bed.
"Come my dear, we shall rest within the impervious fortress of pillows!"
Laughing softly, you wasted no time and climbed in beside Mark, snuggling as close as you possibly could to his frame. Wrapping his arms around you and pulling the covers up, it wasn't long before you fell asleep in what seemed like years.