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Chapter Text

Steve was only 4 when the depression hit in 1929 and that meant that had always known the feeling of being hungry and not having any money. His Ma said they were some of the lucky ones because she got to keep her job as a nurse but Steve was not so sure how lucky she was because she was always tired and never home because of her job. But they ate at least one meal every day and that was more than a lot of other people could say so Steve knew not to complain about it out loud.

The only thing Steve knew better than being hungry and poor was being sick, one night he heard his Ma crying about him always almost dying and how it was because of some gas that his Dad had gotten in him when his was in the Great war. She cried because the thing that killed him was going to take Steve away as well. When Steve heard about that he decided to fight as much as he could because he did not want to hear his Ma cry like that again.

-----

Afterschool one day Steve tried to stop some of the bigger kids in his school stealing some little girl's lunch but that ended up with him being beaten on behind an alley. He was only 6 but this happened a lot; whenever Steve saw something he did not like happening he tried to stop it because who else would? He always got in a first good punch because he was small and could suprise them but afterwards he usually got punched a lot because he was small.

This time was very different because someone stopped them, someone else saw something going wrong and decided to do something about it and for that reason without even getting a look at them Steve decided he liked them very much. There was a couple of sounds of loud smacks and then some running but Steve did not see anything because he was on the floor.

Steve was helped up by a kid with messy black hair who was only a little bit taller than him but a lot less skinny. Everyone was less skinny than Steve.

"You alright Rogers?" The boy asked.

Steve frowned, "You know me?"

He shrugged, pointing to the street with his bloody and bruised fist, "My sister is the one who you helped out."

"I don't know your sister though." Steve replied, leaning on the wall as casually as possible in a feeble attempt to hide how much he was hurting.

Steve saw that the boy went a bit red in the face when he mumbled, "Well she told me ya name."

"What's yours?"

The boy stuck out his bruised hand, "James Buchanan Barnes."

"Nice to meet ya Bucky." Steve grinned as he shook his hand, "I'm Steve Rogers."

Bucky scrunched up his face, "That ain't my name."

Steve just smiled even more, "It suits you though."

"Fine." Bucky grumbled and before Steve could say anything else, Bucky had grabbed his hand and was dragging him over to his place to have dinner with his family because that was the polite thing to do since he had helped out his sister. Or thats what Bucky told him the reason was anyway.

-----

Steve was not sure how it happened but Bucky became his best friend so easily it was if they had known each other their whole lives. Bucky had two sisters; Betty who was two years older than him and always smacking him around the back of the head and Alice who was a year younger than Bucky but a month older than Steve and she was always laughing at the both of them. Bucky also lived with his Ma and Da but his apartment was even smaller than Steve's because his Ma did not have a job and his Da was always getting fired. Even though his sisters were nice, most of the time they went to Steve's place to hang out because there was more space and Bucky's Da was a bit scary.

A year after they became best friends, Steve came down with such a bad illness that his Ma started crying about him going up to heaven again but this time was different because he had Bucky. Bucky refused to leave his side and skipped school to feed Steve soup and put blankets on him and help him when he coughed so much he stopped being able to breathe. A week later when he was well enough to string a full sentence together, Steve's Ma announced that she loved Bucky as though he was her own because he helped save her Stevie.

That day Bucky stopped calling his Ma 'Mrs Rogers' in his most polite tone possible and started calling her Ma as well and also started calling Steve, Stevie because it annoyed him. All in all Steve figured it was the least bad time he had almost died so far.

-----

"Whatcha drawing Stevie?" Bucky asked even though he already knew the answer.

Steve always drew Bucky. He drew a lot and always had a tiny pencil and scrap of paper in his pocket but whenever he was with Bucky, whatever he tried to draw always ended up having Bucky in the picture as well. It frustrated Steve but Bucky loved it.

Steve stuck out his tounge at Bucky, "The water."

Bucky threw a pebble at him, "Lyin is bad for ya."

"Shut up."

In the half of the year when it was warm, Steve and Bucky went to the docks and hid behind a really old building that looked right out at the sea and stayed there till Steve started coughing. As soon as he did one big rattling cough that shook his body, Bucky would shoot up and say they had to go home. It annoyed Steve because he was always fine but he went home anyway, knowing that if he didn't he would have to put up with Bucky's whining.

Bucky sat down on the floor and then made a really quiet wince which Steve only heard because he knew what to listen for.

"What happened?" Steve asked, setting down his sketch of Bucky looking out at the sea.

Bucky sighed, "Nothing ta worry about Stevie."

Steve ignored him and grabbed the back of his shirt, lifting it up in order to confirm his suspicions, "So your Da lost his job again?"

Bucky shrugged, "He's always loosin his job, everyone is."

"Not fair of him to beat on you about it though." Steve complained.

Bucky folded his arms defensively, "Your Ma smacks you when she gets angry, everyone's parents do."

"Not that hard though." He argued, the image of the harsh red imprints of a belt making Steve's blood boil in anger.

"I'm ten, Stevie." Bucky shot back, "I can take it."

"Yeah right." Steve replied only slightly sarcastically because he knew that Bucky was very good at fighting from watching him pull him out of them every other day so believed deep down that even if he did not deserve it that Bucky would be okay. He would never tell Bucky that though, his ego did not need to get any bigger, all the girls made him feel too special already.

Steve uncrossed his legs and then patted his thighs, "Lie down, it'll be nicer."

"I'm fine." Bucky replied as he settled down, resting his head on Steve's lap. "And I'm only doin' this so I can see ya drawing."

Steve snorted and picked up his paper again, "Yeah right."

-----

This time even Steve thought he might be dying. He had gotten into a bad fight and been left out in an alley unconscious with his ribs beaten in when the winter storm started. Steve was not sure how long he had been in that alley but it was long enough for his soaked clothes to have started to freeze a bit and when Bucky saw him, he shouted so much Steve thought he might be the one injured instead.

Time had gotten pretty confusing after that and he could only stay awake for a little bit at a time when he was coughing or when he was too cold to sleep. Whenever he opened his eyes Bucky would be there and sometimes his Ma as well but always Bucky. He had nightmares when he went to sleep and then woke up to find that his body was even more painful that his head.

One night he woke up so cold and so tired that he did not even have the energy to cough so he just lay in bed shivering. At first he thought that there was no one sat with him, until he shifted a bit in his bed and realised that Bucky had fallen asleep right beside him. Steve frowned just a little bit because even though everything was hazy, his best friend looked so tired.

But Bucky also felt really warm and Steve was so cold so he leaned in against him and dozed off again. When he woke up he was feeling a little better but was a bit dissapointed to find his human hot water bottle had left his bed and was just sat beside him instead.

Steve patted the bed.

Bucky frowned, "What does that mean Stevie?"

"Warm." Steve managed to rasp before bursting into a coughing fit so intense he thought his heart might come out.

Bucky leapt out of his chair and started rubbing Steve's back, "Hey, hey. Its alright, deep breaths Stevie. Deep ones."

It took him a couple of minutes before Steve could manage talking, "You." Then he patted the bed, "Here. Warm."

"Fine." Bucky said immediately, "Just promise me you'll shut up until ya can get words out without coughing up."

Steve frowned but relented anyway.

When Steve got better, Bucky stayed in his bed and from then on out whenever Bucky came around to his he stayed over as well. Steve's Ma said that Bucky lived like a cat because he had two families that he travelled between. Bucky liked that.

------

Steve did not realise how much being in middle school changed Bucky until he got there a year later and found out for himself. Of course everyone loved him, that much had Steve could have guessed because all Bucky needed to do was give someone this lopsided grin of his and they melted at his feet. Bucky was clever, on the sports teams and apparently got a different girl every other week.

It hurt a bit because Bucky had never told Steve any of those things himself and as far as Steve was concerned, having a girlfriend and being on the sports team were big deal things. He would have told Bucky if those things happened to him. Obviously they did not because Steve was Steve; he got angry easy, started fights, was little, skinny and ill.

Three days after his first day at middle school and Steve was sat on the grass with Bucky's sister Alice because he promised he would draw her and he was doing just that. Since his first day, Steve had not hung out with Bucky once because he was annoyed at him for not telling him all the things about him at school. Therefore Bucky came stomping over to him, the crowd of popular kids he was usually laughing with nowhere in sight.

"What the hell Steve!" Bucky shouted, "I haven't seen you in ages!"

Steve did not look up from his drawing, "Its been three days Buck."

"Exactly!" He exclaimed and Steve heard the way his voice broke a bit but still did not look up from his paper, "I spent all of last night checking the alleys for you."

This sent Steve's head shooting up, "What?"

"I said I was looking for you." He repeated, still loud but more upset than angry, "I kept on thinkin you could be dead till Alice told me she saw ya in class."

Alice looked up at Bucky, "He's annoyed at you because you didn't tell him that you had girlfriends and did sports."

"Hey!" Steve said indignantly, "You weren't supposed to tell him that."

Alice rolled his eyes, "Well I wasn't gunna sit here looking pretty while you both argued over nothin."

Without even getting permission Bucky sat beside Steve, his face softened and looking a lot less angry, he snuck a glance at his drawing before looking Steve right in the eyes. "I'm sorry." He said sincerely.

Steve huffed, "You said we were best friends. That means we tell each other everything."

Bucky audibly gulped, "Everything?"

"Everything." Steve replied resolutely, looking at Bucky with a hard stare.

Snatching the drawing out of Steve's hands he gave it to Alice, "Scram."

Alice gave an exited squeal as she took the drawing and then skipped away after calling out, "Thanks Steve!"

"I wasn't finished with that." Steve grumbled.

"It was already perfect, you were just fussing over it like you always do."

Crossing his arms, he looked away, "Being nice ain't gunna make me less mad at ya."

"You wanted the truth and I wasn't gunna say it infront of Alice." Bucky responded in a quiet tone.

"What is it then?"

Bucky squirmed a bit before taking a big breath, "I didn't tell ya because I was don't like any of it. The girls are boring and they complain too much but I go out with them because my Da says I should be doin' that sorta thing. Same with playing football."

Steve smacked him on the arm, "Don't say that about girls, Buck!"

"What?" Bucky replied, "They're nice and they're pretty but I don't find all the dating and the holding hands fun like the rest of the guys."

Steve nodded, "See thats your fault and not the girls so don't be mean about 'em."

Bucky leaned in really close to Steve's face, "You have to promise to keep this a secret Stevie."

"Fine." Steve said and spat in his palm. "I promise I wont tell anyone that my best pal is pretending to be different at school so his Da doesn't beat him with a belt."

Bucky went red in in the face and punched Steve in the arm, "You're a punk, you know that right?"

"Yeah well you're a jerk who was lying to me."

Bucky spat in his own hand, "Like I said; Punk."

"Jerk."

-----

Steve started working behind the counter at the shop where his Ma bought his medicine, the owner Mr Smith knew him well and payed him a little to clean up and keep things tidy. It was such a small amount that none of the adults even bothered asking but thats what kids were for, taking the jobs that you got payed nothing for.

Whilst Steve working at the Pharmacy, Bucky was working at the docks with all of the boys on the sports team. They all got hired easy because they were the strongest kids at school and were made to carry stuff around for a few hours or at least thats what Bucky told him they did. Every evening Bucky turned up outside the Pharmacy and sometimes he had bright red lipstick on his cheek and sometimes he had dark purple fists that weren't from helping Steve out of his fights.

Today it was the fists, "You don't need to walk me home like some dame Buck."

Bucky shrugged, "I'm only doing this to stay as Ma's favourite."

"Sarah Rogers like boys who stay outta fights." Steve recited.

Bucky glanced at his bruised up hands and grimaced, "Its just a way to make extra money at the docks."

"Bettin and fights never ends well." He cautioned, even though Steve had already told Bucky this a thousand times over.

Bucky shoved him, "I'm not taking advice on fighting from the idiot who acts like gettin beaten up in alleys is his second job."

"You know I can't help it."

Bucky swung his arm over Steve's shoulder and sidled him closer like always, "I know Stevie." He chastised. "I reackon the reason you're so sick is cause your hearts just too damn big for your tiny body."

"Not tiny." Steve grumbled.

Bucky let out one of his big bright laughs that lit up entire rooms, "Don't need to be tellin me."

-----

A week later Steve was woken up by someone clambering in his bed, it was pitch black and he was still half asleep but he knew that presence better than his own. Bucky. It was definately the middle of the night and Bucky was sniffling so quietly it made Steve's heart ache because he knew that the only time Bucky was quiet like this was when he was upset.

"What's the matter Buck?" Steve asked gently.

Less than a second later a heavy weight dropped onto Steve's chest and once he got past the surprise Steve was finally able to recognise that Bucky had just buried his face into his chest. It was different because usually Steve was the one to lie on Bucky and that was only when he was really ill but this made something warm erupt in Steve's chest and he figured that meant it was a good different.

"I gotta leave school." Bucky murmered into Steve's thin top.

Steve patted Bucky's hair and started to run his hand through it like his Ma used to do for him when he was little and upset. The pair of them knew that it was inevitable, Bucky's Da had not gotten a job in ages and Bucky was nearing fifteen which was old enough to work full time. He was the only son and that meant that when things got bad enough, he had to help the family.

The problem was that Bucky was smart and he liked learning things. Steve loved his art and that was it but Bucky loved it all, the books, the facts and the numbers were all things that enraptured him. Maths and Science was his favourite but Bucky barely cared what class he was in so long as he was learning.

But the Barnes family could not afford a meal a day now and no matter how much Bucky liked his books he would give it up in an instant to help his family and clearly the time had come. Steve knew Bucky would have pretended he was completely fine with dropping out of school and working at the docks full time to keep his sisters and Ma happy but with Steve he did not have to lie. So even though he was a proper gentleman with his family, he was an upset boy with Steve and that was more than alright with Steve because he was glad that he was the person Bucky could trust to be honest.

Still carding his hand through Bucky's hair, Steve sighed, "Sorry Buck."

Bucky shook his head against Steve's weak chest, "I have to. Its nothing ta be sorry about, kids littler than me have had ta quit ta work."

"I know." Steve replied, "But I also know that you liked school, its okay to be upset that you can't go anymore."

Clearly something about his statement resonated with Bucky because the next thing he knew, his thin sleeping top was getting wet in the exact spot Bucky had his head. Steve pretended not to notice and continued stroking Bucky's soft hair.

"I had an idea that might help." Steve suggested.

"Yeah?"

"You know how I have go to that art class at school on the weekend?"

Bucky said something that sounded like 'yep' but it was muffled my the fact he was talking into Steve's chest.

"Well you don't have ta be a student to go." Steve explained, "So how about you come with me? I bet we can take some of the books from a classroom and you can do a bit of learning and I can draw my favourite thing."

Bucky lifted his head off of Steve's chest which made him feel especially cold but it did not matter because although it was pitch black, Steve could tell Bucky was smiling. "Really?"

"Promise." He affirmed.

Bucky set his head back down again, "You're my favourite too, you know that Stevie?"

Suddenly Steve's cheeks felt a little hot, "Yeah I know, jerk."

"Punk."

Chapter Text

It had been a normal Tuesday as far as Bucky was concerned; work at the docks from when the sun starts shining till it stops and then go and meet Steve outside the Pharmacy. Unsurprisingly he had found Steve in an alley behind the Pharmacy trying to take on three guys twice his size for kicking a dog or something and Bucky split his just healed knuckles getting the idiot out of the trouble he had just started. Bucky was leaning against the wall as he waiting for Steve to catch his breath like usual and he had not even been thinking of anything in his head because he thought it was a Tuesday like most of the others.

So that was why he was caught off guard when Steve grabbed his grimy work shirt and kissed him raw. He had no idea what had changed or what had possessed Steve to do it but for the first time in years Bucky considered the possibility of God actually existing because he had been praying for this to happen ever since he learned how to pray.

It was terrifying, they were in a dark alley pressed together doing something that could get the both of them killed and Bucky had no clue why that made him even more smug about the whole thing. All those gross sticky kisses with girls with too much lipstick that Bucky had forced himself to endure just so no one even got the slightest idea that he was more interested in his best friend than any other girl on the planet seemed so much worse know he knew what the real thing was like. This was proper kissing and Bucky was a little bitter it took him seventeen whole years to find that out.

Steve took a step back and Bucky almost pulled him back until he realised that the only reason he had stopped was because he had run out of breath. Bucky felt a burst in his chest and a smile overcame his face that was so big it hurt to maintain. Steve panted a little bit and pulled back the blonde curtains that fell over his forehead, his bright blue eyes sparkled and Steve started to laugh.

"Jeez Buck," He said inbetween laughs, "If I'd known you'd do that, I woulda done it much sooner."

Bucky pressed a firm kiss on Steve's lips, "How much sooner?"

Steve shrugged, "Two years."

"Aw Stevie." Bucky cooed, "You been crushing on me for two years?"

Steve snorted, "Less than you."

Bucky hummed in agreement and began kissing down Steve's neck, "Much less."

"Really?" He asked, breath hitched.

Bucky let out a breathy laugh, "Rogers you have no idea."

"Actually." Steve said in between kisses, "I think I do."

-----

The thrill of being gay, having a boyfriend and keeping it all a secret so as not be killed or locked up lasted about a week because that was as long as it took for Bucky and Steve to start using common sense again. Every time they left the Roger's apartment a tension that had never existed before appeared where they both struggled to find a way to interact with each other without there being the slightest hint of them being closer than they were supposed to. It helped that the entire neighbourhood knew them as being practically brothers all their lives but was not enough.

Bucky still had to go out for drinks and dancing with the guys from the docks on the weekend and much to his dismay Steve refused to come with him every single time. When they were in a good mood Steve would joke that it was because he would be too distracting and when they were feeling down Steve would say that the smoke would be bad for his asthma. The latter was the only one which was a lie because Bucky knew that Steve always stole a cigeratte from his pack and smoked it just to tell himself he could.

Every Friday night he would stumble back home feeling more nauseous from the feeling of some dame's tounge being shoved down his throat than the drinks he had tossed back. Steve would kiss him on the cheek then make him wash before he came to bed. Neither of them felt too good on Friday nights but Saturday mornings were a whole different can of worms because that was the day that Steve had his art classes.

There had been a war going on in Europe for a whole year now and Steve's art teacher liked to listen to the radio and ramble on about his opinions on who was winning and whether or not America would need to get involved. Bucky ignored it mostly and read his books, Steve tried to ignore it because that Hitler guy got him real angry but his drawings all tended to be a bit more red and violent if the teacher talked about him.

Bucky was in the middle of trying to figure out a maths problem in his head when Steve rested a hand so high up on his led that he stopped breathing. "Stevie, what are you doing?" He asked quietly whilst trying to remain composed.

Steve flashed him an innocent smile, "Mr Carlton is asleep and the maths classroom is completely empty."

Bucky's jaw dropped, "You are not saying that we-"

Steve cut him off, pushing his hand firmly further up his leg, "Please."

Bucky scowled, "If we get caught, its you're fault I'm dead."

"Fine by me." He chirped and then loudly announced to the rest of the class that they were going to find a new book for Bucky and because they had all known the boys for years no one even batted an eyelid.

-----

Saturdays were also the day that he and Steve pencilled in to have dinner at his house because even though it was a bad thing to say, sometimes Bucky forgot to spend enough time with his family. He really did love his family, his Ma was a saint and his sisters were his best gals and he liked his Da enough but Steve had an empty apartment most of the time and they were teenage boys.

Bucky sat down way too fast and yelped out in pain before he could stop himself, he felt Steve trying to remain unfazed beside him and saw the rest of his family giving him confused stairs. "Hurt my back at the docks." He explained.

"Is it bad?" His Ma asked, seconds away from smothering him in worry.

"No." He assured, "It'll be fine by tomorow."

George Barnes tutted from the head of the table and chucked back some whiskey, "Shouldn't a been injured in the first place."

Betty came to his rescue like the overprotective big sibling she tried to pretend she was not, "Da its alright, James don't even work on Saturdays."

"Speaking of work, how is Charlie's new job?" His Ma said, swiftly changing the topic onto a guy who his Da actually liked.

Betty's face lit up, "Amazing Ma, Charlie reckons he could afford his own place in a few months."

Alice squealed in exitement, "You gunna marry him Bet?"

Sinking back into his chair, Bucky stuffed his face with food, Betty was only two years older than him and she was months away from getting married. Bucky refused to even think of marrying because then he thought of sticky kisses and heels that trod on his toes and hair that got in his face and sickly sweet perfume that made him want to cough. He would be eighteen in half a year and then he would be a man. Men got married. Bucky felt sick.

"Bucky?" Steve's voice cut through his daze.

"Huh?"

Betty's hand smacked him around the back of the head, "Manners at the table James, pay attention."

Bucky rubbed the back of his head, "What Bet?"

"Alice was just asking how Gabby was doin'?"

Bucky frowned, "Gabby?"

"Ya girlfriend, Buck." Steve helpfully supplied, sounding extremely happy that the girl was not even memorable enough to know her name.

"Oh yeah," Bucky sighed, "Not sure its gunna work out."

His Ma rolled her eyes, "James you're not getttin a good reputation with all the girlfriends ya go through."

"Sorry Ma." He chastised.

To his surprise his Da gave a shrug, "He's got a couple years Winnifred, let the him have his fun."

Two years, his Da was giving him two whole years to have his fun and Bucky was sure he had never loved his Da more. "Exactly." Bucky grinned with a smile so mischevious that Steve perked up.

-----

Steve had met Bucky at the docks for lunch because it was the summer and a good day. He came bearing sandwiches and Bucky ran off before any one of the guys he worked with could question him or try to take any of their food for themselves.

The sandwiches were great and only because of the company Bucky was graced with when he ate them. Steve was in a ridiculously good mood and for all of Bucky's cautions and worries, he was completely useless against that stupid lopsided grin Steve gave him. It was a smile that meant he knew he was being trouble but did not care anyway and Bucky melted under it.

Which how Bucky ended up literally shoved onto the floor by Steve with only half his clothes still on his body when someone from the docks walked right up to the crate he and Steve had been hidden behind. Bucky recognised the panic and terror in Steve's expression from where he was sprawled on the floor and so made sure to stay completely silent whilst hastily trying to get his pants back on.

"Oi whatcha doin down ere kid." A gruff man bellowed and suddenly Bucky was pressing a hand tightly over his mouth just in case any terrified whimpers escaped out of his mouth.

He watched Steve take a deep breath and try to fix the state of his hair, "Sorry sir I was runnin'."

"You were runnin?" Bucky heard the man repeat incredulously, "Why you running down ere cause you sure as hell ain't one ave my workers."

Of course the man had to be Bucky's boss.

"Started a fight." Steve replied merrily and for the first time ever Bucky was grateful that for Steve's meddlesome mind that always got him into trouble and had somehow prepared him for this situation. Then Steve pointed at himself, "I'm too weak ta fight tho so I ran."

Bucky whished that that was the truth but it could not have been further from it. In fact Bucky was certain that Steve had never run from a fight in his entire life.

"Just get the hell outta my dock." The man replied gruffly.

Thankfully Steve did exactly that, without even glancing at where Bucky was still lying on the ground, stilled in frightful silence, Steve just jogged away. Then Bucky sat there shaking for five minutes as the gravity of what almost just happened hit him before he got up, dusted himself off, and went back to work as if nothing had happened in the first place.

Later that day Bucky tried to break with Steve, he really did because he knew that staying together was the most dangerous thing they could possibly do. Bucky hated the idea of being the reason someone beat on him, killed him, imprisoned him... They were all real possibilities and completely terrifying.

Bucky had told Steve that he loved him and then said he thought it would be better if they went back to being friends. Steve had rolled his eyes, grabbed Bucky's face and kissed him with so much fierce passion and anger it sent Bucky stumbling back. He could barely breathe, let alone argue so that was it. Bucky had tried but Steve had ignored him and they stayed together and deep down Bucky could not have been more relieved.

-----

Bucky sat in the living room with his head buried in his hands, only lifted out of his thoughts when a soft hand pressed down on his shoulder. Bucky quickly wiped his cheeks, getting up to kiss Sarah Roger's cheeks before hurrying over to the kitchen.

"Sorry Ma," He told her, "I didn't realise you'd be back from work."

"S'alright Bucky." Sarah said in that gentle tone of hers, "How's Stevie doin?"

Bucky ignoring how much his hands shook as he made Sarah her tea, "Asleep which is better than awake cause when he's awake he's in a lotta pain."

Sarah shook her head in dismay, "I know I can't get him to stop the fightin cause even you can't but its winter! The middle of winter and you'd think he'd know better by now."

Bucky gulped as he handed her the tea, "Its all my fault Ma." He admitted, tears springing to his eyes, "I was braiding Alice's hair on the doorstep and some guy called me a... he said a name and Steve decided to punch him right in the face."

"That don't sound like your fault." Sarah replied, beckoning for him to beside her.

Bucky hung his head in shame, "I argued with him afta, tellin him how I didn't need him ta start fights for me and he stormed off. Didn't find him till the morning and it snowed all night." He took a shaky breath, "I shouldn't've left him alone in the cold."

Sarah put an arm around him and kissed him on the head, "Stevie ain't lying when he says you're an idiot. Course its not your fault Bucky, Steve's the only one Steve listens to when he gets in a huff."

"Is that an Irish thing?"

Sarah let out a weak laugh, "Probably."

Loud coughing passed through the thin walls and Bucky and Sarah shot up off the tattered old couch in order to help out the most important person in their lives.

-----

Bucky doubled over the floor in laughter, Steve had found a broken up old radio in a bin and with a bit of tinkering from Bucky they had managed to get one channel working. As soon as the music started, Bucky jumped up, desperate to try and teach Steve something so that he could take him out dancing just one. He had never expected for his boyfriend to be such a bad dancer.

"Stevie." He cried out, body shaking in laughs, "You just tripped over your foot and you were holding on ta me!"

Steve rolled his eyes, "Thanks Buck."

"Thanks Buck." He repeated in a mockingly whiny tone.

"Jerk."

"Punk."

They kissed. They kissed a lot. Things were good that night and they enjoyed pretending that the world was good too.

-----

Things were bad enough already; Sarah was layed up in bed, dying of something awful she had picked up in the hospital and the blaring news on the radio was too much. They had been in their art class on Saturday because Sarah told them to get the hell out of the house for a bit and ill or not, neither of them could disobey their Ma. Steve had been silently drawing a picture of his Ma, determined to keep her happy and healthy even if it was only on a small slip of crinkled paper and Bucky had been staring at the same page of the science book for the past hour.

The Pearl Harbour was bombed, the incident announced on the radio first hand and everyone gasped, people cried and a few just ran right out of the classroom. Everyone knew what this meant; America had joined the war. People were going to have to fight, people were going to die and Bucky was an eighteen year old man which meant he could be one of them. He pushed that thought to the back of his head and he did not care how dangerous it was, Bucky grabbed Steve's hand and held it. He held his boyfriends hand and listened to how the world was about to change.

The pair of them agreed to keep it from their Ma, she was dying and did not need the extra stress so when they came home, they fed her warm soup and warm tea and told warm stories about their day. Sarah fell asleep with an easy smile on their face and Bucky lay wide awake staring at the cracked ceiling in Steve's bedroom as Steve cried in his arms.

-----

It was if they all knew it was their last Christmas even though none of them had a clue. Sarah's fever faded enough that she woke up lucid on Christmas morning which put Steve in a good mood and Steve's smile always made Bucky happy. They spent the day blissfully unaware of the future and its miserable looming presence.

He spent his morning with his family and watched his sisters thank his parents for presents paid for with his wages then gave everyone new socks because despite having technically bought everyone's presents he wanted to do something for them as well. Betty was hosting Christmas lunch with fiancé Charlie in their brand new apartment and Bucky told her that he had to spend some time with Sarah and Steve. Everyone had been expecting as much and then surprised him with a pair of socks for himself before sending him off.

Brand new warm socks on his feet, Steve sat beside him and Sarah at the head of the table smiling and happy with potatoes and meat on a plate infront of him and Bucky had no clue how his day could get better. Steve kissed him on the cheek, wished him a merry Christmas and it was only until he was halfway through his meal that Bucky realised Sarah had been there the entire time.

"Did you seriously think I didn't know what was going on under my own roof?" Sarah asked, an amused smile on her face.

Bucky stared at her with wide eyes, "No ma'am."

Sarah rolled her eyes, "Bucky its me, the woman who washed your shorts after you peed yourself running away from your own shadow when you were six?"

Some of Steve's drink came out of his nose he laughed so hard, "What?"

"Ma!" Bucky exclaimed.

Sarah grinned, "Exactly, I'm your Ma and I love you and I love my son and Bucky I don't know anyone who loves my stupid son more than you. When Steve told me, I was relieved because you amazing boys deserve each other."

Steve kissed his head, "Ain't this this perfect Christmas, Buck?"

"She found the rubbers didn't she?" Bucky scowled.

Steve grinned and kissed him loudly on the cheek, "I don't know what you're talking about Buck!"

Bucky turned to Sarah, "He's useless. I quit."

Sarah laughed, warm and gentle, "Bucky the idea of you ever leaving that idiots side is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard because I don't think it can happen."

"I can try." He sighed dramatically.

Steve scoffed "You can try or you can sit up, look pretty and get a Christmas present."

"Surely thats Ma's job."

Sarah rolled her eyes, "Such a charmer."

Steve and Sarah got him a small pocket sized book about angles and maths and science and it was such a shame that Bucky got stung by a bee in the eye when he realised what they had gotten him. Another bee also definately stung him in the eye when he saw the careful little drawings that Steve had added on the blank spaces and pages. It made his present of socks seem inadequate but Bucky knew when Steve and Sarah were genuinely happy so he was relieved that they were being genuine when they said they loved them.

That night after helping Sarah to bed, him and Steve went out on a walk and ended up in the hidden nook by the docks where they had hung out when they were kids. They both stared out at the gentle waves, the small lights reflecting off the dark black waves and took pleasure in simply being in each others presence.

"I love you." They both said at the exact same time in the middle of their peaceful silence and then they kissed.

"Hey Buck." Steve stopped and he swiped a thumb over his cheek, "Whats wrong?"

Bucky touched his wet cheek and frowned, "I'm not sure."

Steve coughed a bit and pulled his coat tighter but then held out a hand, "No Bucky, lets just stay out a little bit longer. I promise I'm okay."

Bucky pulled of his jacket and set over Steve's shoulders than wrapped his arms around him and buried his face in Steve's shoulder, "Stevie the guys on the docks are talking about the war a lot and most of them are joining, you know the pays bigger?"

Steve hummed, "Figured."

Bucky took a deep breath, "The war terrifies me Stevie and not just because of the dyin and the killin but because it means I might have ta leave you."

"You might?" Steve questioned lightly, "Its our duty to serve, we have to leave. Both of us."

Bucky frowned, "You won't pass the physical Stevie, your too ill plus you're only seventeen and you have ta been eighteen to go to war."

"I'll find a way." He said in such a resolute and determined way that shook Bucky to the core because he genuinely believed him.

"Stevie." He began cautiously, "You can't be an idiot bout this okay? You got ta promise me that you'll stay safe and well and outta trouble because I need you and what happens if this war means that I can't check for you in the alleys or keep you warm when you're ill or-"

"Alright." Steve cut him off hastily, "God, Buck you are such a sap."

Bucky buried his head further down onto Steve's shoulder, "Make the goddam promise."

Steve sighed, "I promise to stick around for you Bucky because you're a big sap who can't make it without me."

Bucky pressed a kiss to his cheek, "Damn right."

"Same promise for me." Steve demanded.

"I promise that I'm gunna stick around till the end of the line with you Stevie." Bucky promised

Steve leant into Bucky, "I like that." He sighed, "Till the end of the line."

-----

Bucky threw another box agressively to the ground, not even caring if whatever was inside would break because he would not have his job next week anway. Years of working at the docks with friends he had had since being on the middle school football team eventually amounted to nothing because he had gotten his letter. They all had. All of the dock workers who spend their days lugging around boxes and betting on fights had been drafted into the army and it was devastating.

Sarah died a week after Christmas and they buried her on new years eve which meant that 1942 was destined to a bad one. But Bucky was only eighteen and just a poor kid from Brooklyn so he had never imagined that the American Army would force him to serve. The selecting system was so clearly not random that it made Bucky bitter and resentful. He had to be there for Steve, his best guy was still mourning his Ma, coming down with some illness and ranting about the war with every breath he took. Steve wanted to fight, do his part because who was he to sit at home and do nothing? Bucky was planning to spend his nineteenth birthday with Steve and then enlisting but his plan had come three months early.

The thought of the Army and Basic training and dying and serving and killing barely even crossed Bucky's mind because it was screaming all about Steve. He barely remebered a time without the punk and he did not know how either of them would fare without each other. Bucky hurled another box to the ground - what was so wrong with wanting to live a little longer?

Chapter Text

Steve cried alone in his empty apartment on the day Bucky left for Basic, a week ago he had stormed in the apartment and said he shipped out for Basic the next week. He told Steve he enlisted but never imagined that he would have to go so soon and Steve kissed him and told him it was alright and that he was proud of him. He was, it was the truth. Just not all of it.

The day he had to leave, Steve and Bucky both agreed to pretend that it was any other normal day and that he was leaving to go work at the docks. They both held their ends of the deal and kept composed that morning and if their eyes were welling up when they ate their measly breakfast than neither of them said anything about it. Then Bucky left Steve's apartment to say goodbye to his actual family and left him utterly alone.

Apart from the fact that he did not do that because Steve's boyfriend was Bucky Barnes and he was the stupidest, kindest, most caring and well mannered kid in Brooklyn which meant that the next day Betty Barnes showed up teary eyed with a letter for the pair of them. Betty's fiancé had also enlisted and was shipped out with Bucky so of course the idiot organised for the pair to move in together so they both did not feel so alone.

Although Steve made a big show of it and grumbled about how Bucky was treating him like some gentle dame, he was internally extremely grateful. Living in his apartment without his Ma was too much and without Bucky there either it was hauntingly empty. Life at Betty's apartment was much more different than living with his Ma because Betty bossed him about all the time and made him help cook the dinners. She was one of those women with a tough exterior who would sometimes suprise you with a tin of peaches to remind you that she did care beneath it all. Steve had always been closer with Alice because they were in the same classes at school but spending so much time with Betty made him regret not doing so earlier.

-----

Betty let out a loud squeal, they had been living together for a month and he had not heard that noise since Bucky suprised her with a house warming present ages ago. The armchair that Bucky had won during some bet at the docks was now sat proudly in the centre of the living room.

"Letters." She called out, running back from the door with a glowing smile on her face as she handed one over to him, "Here's yours."

Steve took the letter with a shaky hand and stroked a hand over the neat cursive writing that Bucky prided himself for having despite leaving school over four years ago. It had been a month since he had seen the jerk which was the longest he had ever gone without seeing him since they met. Betty crashed down on the sofa as she exitedly ripped open her letter which prompted Steve to do the same.

Stevie,

Things ain't bad over here at all. We wake up at the crack of dawn and train till the sun goes down which is just like the docks. Only difference is that over here there is a helluva lot less fighting and more being shouted at and standin around.
We started tryin the guns a few days ago and I hit the target on my first try, this impressed the officers but I dunno why. Its like the angles in that maths book you bought me Stevie, I do it in my head and I can get the bullets ta go where I want.

There's a bunch a different groups over here and they got people from all sorts of places training in their own groups. I'm with some of the guys from the docks and Charlie (Betty's guy) most of tha time but they're proper boring Stevie. Always complainin.
In the other groups I met these two guys, there is Jim Morita whose Asian and Gabe Jones whose Black and they told me that a buncha guys like them joined the army first they heard of it because no ones hirin immigrants even tho they lived in America longer than us. I bet you'd like em Stevie, they're both real nice and they don't complain like everyone else which means I don't mind talkin to em.

Anyways I figure you like ta hear about all that just so you know that I'm not having a bad time cause you're always worryin. You and Betty better be gettin along and doing good. Miss you Punk.

Till the end of the line,
Buck.

Steve ran his hand over the paper and smiled, it was too risky for Bucky to have written that he loved him in the letter but he said it in different words anyway. Betty was sniffling beside him as she read her letter from Charlie so Steve took the oppertunity to cook for once in order to cheer her up.

-----

It was his fault and as Steve trudged home with his nose broken yet again and blood falling down his face, he realised that he had broken his promise with Bucky. He sniffed and wiped away some of the blood with his arm, two guys had been beating on a kid a few years younger than himself cause he was skinny and apparently looked like a fairy. Steve was not stupid, he knew the issue hit close to home and that was probably why he lost the self control he had been clinging onto.

Rain started falling down heavy and Steve barely noticed, another month gone without Bucky and this one came without a letter. In Charlie's letter he told Betty that he had gotten in trouble for hanging out with the other camps because he was supposed to be training with all the white guys. He could not even be mad at Bucky because he had lost his privileges for stupid reasons and it was the Army being unfair and mean to those friends of his just because they weren't white Americans like themselves. Steve folded his arms and ploughed on through the storm, so angry that he forgot that he was still too ill to be walking around in weather like that.

-----

Betty was one bad coughing fit away from writing a letter to Bucky to tell him that Steve was going to die and Steve tried his dammed hardest to make sure that that letter never even existed. He fought the nausea, gritted through the fevers and ignored how cold he got every night without Bucky to use as his hot water bottle. Poor Betty was so overwhelmed and cried a lot so Alice spent a lotta time over as well, trying to make sure Steve did not die on them.

Of course he didn't. He was Steve Rogers after all and he had been almost dying his whole life. However the fever took him out for the better part of March and he had only been walking for two days when Bucky's birthday came around. Nineteen. It was the first time since he met the jerk that he couldn't wish him a happy birthday and Steve could not help from being a bit grumpy about it.

"Come on Steven!" Betty exclaimed, "The Stark Expo is only round the corner, we have to go!"

Steve sighed, "I'm not feeling so good but you should go have fun."

Betty rolled her eyes, "Don't be ridiculous, we're going together." Then she wiggled out her arm, "You aren't gunna leave this gal all alone in the big Stark Expo without a man on her side to protect her are you?"

Steve looked at her incredulously, "Betty you don't need anyone's protection."

"Oh just humour me, Rogers." She huffed, "Plus James would kill you if you missed this oppertunity. He's gunna want someone to tell him what he missed out on."

Steve got up off his chair, "Lets just hope he gets his letter privileges back then."

Betty snorted, "Don't get your hopes up Rogers, James doesn't mind getting in ta trouble if he's helping out a few strays."

"Hey!" Steve replied as he took Betty's arm.

Betty patted his arm, "I'm only joking, pet."

"Lets get this over and done with then."

-----

Of course Charlie showed up at the Stark Expo he had bought Betty tickets for, with a shiny smile, big bunch of flowers and a kiss that got the crowds clapping. Betty was so exstatic that she took Charlie home immediately and Steve did not blame her, but the whole incident had left him a bit alone. Well alone until he saw some guy trying to steal this dame's ticket because next thing he knew he was back in an alley getting his lights punched out.

"Pick on someone your own size." A low voice growled and then there was a loud smack that sounded like it hurt which sent the guy Steve had picked a fight with running.

Steve pulled himself up from the floor, "Thanks."

"How many times do I gotta save you Stevie?"

Steve should have seen it coming with it being Bucky's birthday and going to Bucky's dream event and the whole Charlie thing but the idea of his best guy being back with him never even crossed his mind. He had tried to stop hoping for it to save himself the pain. Steve pulled Bucky into an embrace and hated how handsome he looked in his green uniform that meant that he would be out fighting in the real war all too soon.

"I think this is the best birthday present ever Stevie." Buck murmered into his ear.

Steve pulled back, "What the big science fair being in town?"

"No!" Bucky exclaimed indignantly before turning around to check if anyone else was lurking in the alleyway, "I meant you."

With the all clear, the couple retreated further into the shadows and started to kiss. Steve paused the whole experience, hand firmly clamped over Bucky's mouth and grinning mischeviously, Then without any warning he grabbed Bucky by the hem of his pants and tugged it harshly, sending them both crashing into the wall hidden at the end of the alleyway.

"Steve." Bucky yelped but any other complaints he had were cut short by Steve.

He did even need to hear the response because he could see the eagerness alight in Bucky's eyes. They were best friends first and foremost which meant that most of the time they would have talked about Bucky's time in basic, Steve's fight, Steve being ill and everything else straight away. But they were still teenagers, they had not seen each other in months and it was Steve's first time seeing Bucky in that uniform. They could save the talking for later.

-----

"Stevie." Bucky whined, "I look a mess."

Steve kissed him on the cheek, "You look gorgeous, doll."

Bucky tried to straighten out his extremely crumpled uniform, "Shit I supposed ta be looking all proper now I'm the sergeant."

"Sergeant!" Steve exclaimed in surprise, "When did that happen, you only been gone a few months!"

Bucky grinned, giving up on his uniform as he led the way back out of the alleyway they had hidden themselves in. "You remeber Jim and Gabe?"

"Those friends of yours you mentioned in ya letter?"

Nodding Bucky continued, "Them and some others ended up being more than good at fightin but cause they're not proper Americans or summit they couldn't be promoted. The officers noticed that I seemed ta like them all and decided to let me lead them. I get ta be in charge of the 107th, the best group of soldiers who come from all over the world."

"Wow Buck." Steve gawped, "Thats amazing."

Bucky grinned, "I know right, all the officers know they're good as well but no one likes any of us cause we ain't apple pie Americans, you know?"

"We?" Steve asked.

"So you know about Jim and Gabe, but then there's Dum Dum Dugan and he's the best guy with explosives there was at Basic but he can't read for shit and then there's..."

In between looking at the science exhibits, Steve listened diligently as Bucky talked him through his soldiers all of whom he had met at Basic. It was kind of Amazing that Bucky had managed to get the army to let him lead a group of soldiers that usually ever only fought with their own races but it was not suprising because Steve had always known how kind hearted Bucky was; he always saw the best in people. Steve was the idiot who picked the fights and the only time Bucky got into the fights was to save him or for money. Bucky was not a fighter by nature, he was only ever trying to do the right thing.

In fact when Bucky started talking about how he had impressed the officers with his marksmanship and how he had set records at Basic for his accuracy sniping at the targets it made perfect sense because if Bucky was an almost perfect sniper than that meant that he would be watching out for everyone even on the battlefield. Even in the army his big sappy boyfriend was fighting to look out for the people he cared for.

Steve just wished he could do the same.

-----

The crowd was big enough that if Steve stood slightly infront of Bucky they could discreetly hold hands as they watched Howard Stark make a car fly right in front of their eyes. Granted it only lasted for a short second but that still happened and Steve could feel Bucky's childlike wonder and exitement for all things science literally radiating off of him.

"I ship off tomorow." Bucky whispered while Stark was laughing about the car being a work in progress, "Lets go dancing."

Steve gripped his hand tighter, "Whatever you want Buck."

Bucky gave his hand a small squeeze, "I'll grab us a couple of dames and lets get so drunk that Betty wont think it wierd that we sleep on the couch together."

"I love you."

-----

Steve kicked over a bin as he stormed out of the enlistment centre, he had turned eighteen last week which meant he could sign up for the army. The only problem was that no one wanted him, he was too short, too ill, lungs too weak, heart too small. Steve had never let his weak body fail him before and he was determined that a couple of 4Fs would not stop him from doing his duty as an American.

Realising he had just littered the street with trash, Steve picked everything up and put it all back before he tried one last time. There was one more recruitment centre he could try in the area and he had already come up with a good fake place and date of birth for this attempt.

-----

Erskine let him join because of some science experiment called Project Rebirth that he thought he was good enough for but all Steve heard was that he could join the army and do his duty which was all he cared about. Betty was devistated and slapped him across the face for leaving her all alone but Steve knew it was actually because she was worried about him. Alice was moving in with Betty now anyway, so he knew she would not really be alone.

His last day at home was different than Bucky's because they actually acknowledged it and there was a lot of crying from Alice and Betty. The pair of them waved him off inbetween threats of sending letters to Bucky to tell him what Steve had gotten himself into but that did not worry Steve, ever since Bucky shipped off no letters had come back and he was pretty sure that it worked the other way as well.

Alice kissed him on the cheek, "Take care of yourself Steven."

"You too." He replied and then Alice gave up on being well mannered and threw herself into a hug.

"James is gunna kill us all three times over when he hears that we let you go join the war." She whispered, "He told you that the war wasn't another alley fight, Steven."

"War might not be like an alley fight but those Nazis sound a lot like bullies with them killing all those innocent people." Steve replied.

Alice let go and looked at him sternly, "Just don't let them take you too."

Steve nodded, "Yes Ma'am."

-----

Camp Leigh was hard and Steve was easily the worst one there but he reminded himself that he was there for the exact same Project Rebirth they all were and that he had the same right to be there as the rest of them. It did not help that he was also the youngest there by a good few years because that made it even easier to pick on him.

Bucky had warned him that if you were young the other soldiers did not respect you as much because they thought you did not understand war and killing and thought you wanted to play toy soldier. He had mentioned that he was one of the youngest in his own troops and that did nothing to help him earn any respect. Steve only realised the necessity of having a grey hairs until he showed up at Basic and people started dismissing him as young and stupid for not realising what war meant before even speaking to him.

Steve knew war was horrible, he knew it was the worst possible thing but he strongly believed if others were going out to fight for the country than he should too. It was not that he did not recognise the consequences of him enlisting in the army, it was that he did not care. He wanted to do his part.

-----

Steve met Peggy Carter a month into his basic training, she was only slightly taller than him which was a nice change from the women who towered above him. Peggy was also smart, strong, independent, incredible and gorgeous. It had taken everything in him to not applaud when she hit one of the idiots in his group for stepping out of line since Steve had been wanting to smack the guy since he got there.

Only two weeks after meeting her, Steve was in a car with the woman as they drove off to take part in Project Rebirth which Steve had somehow qualified for after throwing himself on top of a dead grenade. If all that was not strange enough, Steve was pretty sure that Peggy was flirting with him. In a couple of hours Steve would be doused with a potentially fatal experiment to make him into the first ever super soldier and here was Peggy Carter going on about how much she loved to dance.

Steve was getting pretty worried that Peggy had no idea that he was only being polite and his interest in dancing with her would only ever be as friends. He loved the idea of being friends with the amazing woman but anything else was... Intimidating. Not to mention he would be cheating on Bucky, which he would never dare.

-----

The almost dying was easy, Steve had done that enough times already and whilst the pain was pretty awful, he managed. However catching a Nazi murderer in the middle of Brooklyn only moments later was the hard part.

Steve had only just gotten used to being able to breathe without his lungs rattling and his heart hammering out of his chest when he felt it crush all over again. This time it was not due to an illness but Chester Phillips telling him he could not serve which was the whole reason he had done the stupid experiment in the first place. Another guy called Brant then reminded him that thanks to the serum he was property of the United States and the next thing he knew Steve Rogers was the military propaganda for World War II known as Captain America.

He hated it.

------

Peggy Carter kissed him on the cheek, "Well done out there."

Steve nodded curtly, "Thanks Ma'am."

"So strong." She said and tapped his arm, "You really lifted that bike and those girls?"

Steve blew out a breath, he was so bored of this coversation, "Yes Ma'am."

"Wow." She replied and it was so insincere Steve wondered why she even bothered.

With all the shows he did trying to get people to buy war bonds, Steve was paraded around like an object to bunches of adoring fans. The whole situation was so entirely unreal and out of his comfort zone that he barely had time to process it. However the show girls were all lovely dames and since they all were at least five years older than him, they liked treating him like their little brother. Steve did not mind in the slightest though because at least they were not trying to get in his pants or simply crying about his existence like all the other women he met.

With the exeption of Peggy Carter, who for some reason showed up at every fifth show of his, flirted with him like she was bored of it and then left. Steve smiled and tried to be as polite as possible because that was how his Ma had told him to treat women and he would not dare disrespecting her. However this was getting ridiculous.

So after taking a few moments to gather up the courage, Steve followed after her determindly and barely even noticed that he was entering one of the showgirl's changing rooms but Rachel was nice enough so he figured she would not mind.

Steve regretted even existing once he walked into that changing room and tried to run straight back out of it.

"Stay here." Peggy shouted in her commanding voice, "And shut the damn door Steve."

He did as he was told but held a hand over his eyes and hoped that the two women could retain a bit of their modesty as they got back into their clothes. Steve's cheeks burned with embarassment as he took his hands off of his eyes once Peggy told him to do so. Rachel was bright red and wrapped up in Peggy's military jacket and Peggy was unashamedly stood infront of him with a rumpled skirt and shirt put on so hastily she had missed a few of the buttons.

"I am so sorry for walking in like that." He insisted, "I didn't even think that- well that, you would erm... That. I mean I didn't imagine this....so yeah. I'm sorry about all that."

Peggy just strode over to him as confident as ever and kissed him on the cheek, "I do this to keep our secrets, you understand?"

Steve did not have time to gawp and wonder how the hell she had figured him out he just nodded, "Yes Ma'am."

She patted his cheek once and then gave him a refreshingly genuine smile, "Now get the hell out Captain America, I believe you have hundreds of adoring fans waiting for you."

Steve did as he was told.

-----

Steve was relaxed out on a small chair in Rebecca's changing room with half his costume peeled off and a bored expression on his face. Now that he was in on the secret, Peggy had decided to parade him around more, as if he did not have to do that enough already. The only difference was that most of the time he actually enjoyed it, Peggy was a wonderful woman and a good friend. But this was different.

Howard Stark, Peggy's closest friend, had decided to show up and the three of them were debating about the war when all Steve wanted to do was fight in it. He cared about America and of course the shipping of rations was an important thing but Steve had never been an academic so when maps were pulled out of pockets and people started arguying over charters, Steve's brain had dozed off.

"What do you think?" Peggy's sharp voice cut through Steve's daydream.

He looked up and tried not to appear as though he had been startled awake, "Sorry?"

Rebecca sighed, "She wants to know whether you think they should fly or boat the supplies over to Italy?"

Steve shrugged, "Depends I suppose."

Howard chuckled, "I could've sworn the serum was supposed to improve your brain as well."

"I wish." Steve groaned, leaning further back on his chair.

"Aw." Peggy cooed, "I think he's bored, Eddy."

Howard threw a pen at Steve's face which startled him into being more alert, "Look alive soldier, Hitler's going to need a good punching in ten!"

"Very funny." Steve deadpanned as he stood up to put the upper half of his costume back on.

Howard scoffed, "Man I don't know why they force you to wear that thing, its bloody queer."

Steve stilled at the comment, his back tensed up and it took everything within him to conjure up a dead an empty laugh. 'He doesn't know' Steve reminded himself desperately and then continued to put his suit on without a word. Sometimes he lost himself in the world of Peggy and Rebecca and let himself imagine that he was normal and not a vagrant of society, it was especially easy to lie like that when he was Captain America. But that was not the case because being queer was a crime and disgusting... Or thats what everyone though anyway.

Rebeca pouted, "Well I think he looks cute."

"Thats because." Howard began, waggling a finger at her, "You're a woman."

"God Howard, are you ever not annoying?" Steve grumbled in the doorway.

Taking the compliment in his stride, Howard just shone his classic smile, "Its my trademark."

Peggy snorted, "Don't we know it."

"INTRODUCING CAPTAIN AMERICA"

Steve Rogers placed on the fake mask of happiness and strength as he strolled on the stage and recalled that dying of hypothermia had been more tolerable than the routine he was stuck in.

Chapter Text

Bucky hated the war, he hated the way he was always cold, he hated the mud, he hated the blood, he hated the sounds men made when they were dying and he hated being the one who killed them. But if he hated the fighting that meant he still had his head, that even though he could barely sleep anymore and his hands always seemed to shake unless they were pressed against the familiar cold of his rifle, Bucky still had his head. He was still alive and he was still sane and for now that had to be good enough.

Jim Morita passed him a cup of hot dirt they called coffee and sat beside him in the trenches, "Someone's got to keep our best man alive."

Bucky offered him a wry smile which was the best he could do and took a swig of the bitter black liquid, "Almost as bad as what we had in the depression."

Morita scoffed, "You didn't have coffee in the depression."

"This ain't coffee either." He retorted.

Morita nudged him slightly, "Anyways your just a kid, how many years did you have when you weren't in the depression."

"Few when I was a baby and then three lovely years before the war took me." He replied good-naturedly.

There was a shout of a dying man that made the pair of them wince, "We lost two good men today."

"Always loosin' good men." Bucky muttered into his cup before knocking the rest of it back, "Right whose got a smoke cause I want one after drinking that shit."

Morita shook his head, the faintest of smile beneath his dirtied face, "Dum Dum has a few spare."

"Good." Then Bucky got up to find his friend.

The taste of cigerattes kept off the feelings of hunger and took away the smell of blood, guns and mud which is why everyone loved them so damn much, including Bucky. Back in Brooklyn he had only smoked when he was out with his friends at the docks and made sure not to get addicted all for the sake of Steve, his lungs and his asthma could not handle the smoke.

Bucky found Dugan further along the trenches with his head bent over a book and a cigeratte dangling between his lips, his face was drawn up into such intense concentration it reminded him of a schoolboy. Dugan was a big tall mug with this handlebar moustache and a propensity for explosions. Seeing him huddled up in on himself was jarring and only served as a reminder of how much the war changed everyone.

"You alright?" Bucky questioned as he sat himself down beside him.

Dugan looked up, smiling slightly and lugged one of his huge arms over Bucky and wrapped him up under his shoulder, "I'm good Sarge, how about you?"

"Wanted a smoke." He replied as he nabbed the one in Dugan's mouth. "What are you doing anyway?"

Dugan sighed, "Trying to learn some of this for the bunch of new recruits we got coming in. Word is that they're folk who got their ears blasted up cause of the explosions but can still fight."

"Huh." Bucky replied as he looked down at the book, "You tryin ta read, Dum?

"Yeah but its not working." He replied, sounding a little frustrated like he always did when he could not read the words in front of him.

"Well." Bucky declared as he took the book from Dugan, "They'll be my men in a few days and I gotta talk ta them too so we can learn how ta talk with our hands together."

Dugan gave him a crooked grin and pulled him tighter under his arm, "Such a good little boy, bet your Ma's real proud."

"Not that little." He replied.

Rolling his eyes Dugan said, "James I respect the hell outta you cause your a damn good Sarge but you're eight years younger than me and reach my chest. You are very little."

Bucky laughed because Dugan always made him laugh and then held his hand out, "Gimme another smoke and lets get to work on this deaf language."

-----

Bucky was laid flat on his back, hidden in the trees and every time he pulled the trigger a Nazi fell down to the ground. He learnt early on that hitting them on the head like he had learnt in target practice made much more noise than it did killing if the bastards were wearing helmets. Instead he would go for the knees, ankles, face or wrists because hitting them in those spots kept them down. Only issue was the mess his killing made, so Bucky always tried to move onto his next target before he checked to see if the previous had gone down. Bucky knew by now that they always went down, he was a real good killer.

He kneecapped one of the Nazis and they crumpled but their gun let out a series of sporadic shots as he fell and Bucky saw the bullets and heard the shout and knew what happened immediately. Gabe Jones was down.

Barely even thinking, Bucky was out of his spot and running down to join everyone else as fear coursed through him. Even though Bucky loved his ragtag team of hopeless idiots who were chucked into the 107th because despite being amazing fighters they were disliked by the army because of stupid reasons like their skin colour or having all their fingers or being able to hear, Bucky had his favourites. Three guys in his team who saw him as his friend as well as their Sargant and Bucky had been through too much, seen too much death to loose them. He needed to be able to laugh and smile and they were the only people who could get him to do that anymore.

So when Bucky saw Gabe Jones fall down thanks to a stray bullet, he ran like hell to get the guy out. The mass of bloodied fighters, shooting and punching and crying was much different when you were in the middle of it all but Bucky kept his head down and only shot what was directly in his way. When he reached Jones, he let out one incredibly brief sigh of relief when he saw that it was a shot to the leg and then began to drag him away from the fight before some Nazi tried giving him a mercy killing.

-----

Two days later and the 107th were camped out in the middle of a forest in Italy as they waited for reinforcements to take them back to base. The battle had been more of a murdering than anything else and it was only until later that Bucky had realised that the Germans had gone for their machinery and supplies rather than their bodies. He felt stupid for not noticing sooner but had been preoccupied with Jones.

Speaking of Jones, the guy was sat around the campfire with most of the guys as they belted out depressing war songs in merry tones and pretended that cigerattes, muddy coffee and a few beans were hearty meals. Despite looking a bit peaky and having one of his legs stretched out and bandaged up, Jones looked okay sat between Dugan and Morita as he laughed at one of their awful jokes. Bucky allowed himself to relax slightly and a swell of pride for his tough little team that no one believed in but him. Things were by no means good, but for now, they were not bad either.

"James!" Dugan hollered, "Get over here Sarge."

Bucky rolled his eyes, "Coming Dum Dum."

Morita and Jones burst into laughter and Dugan grinned triumphantly as he pointed a finger at him, "See I told you so."

Bucky sat down beside Dugan and raised his brow expectantly, "What did I do that was so funny then."

Morita wiped the tears from his eyes, "How old are you James?"

"Twenty." He answered.

Jones giggled like a five year old girl, "Who woulda guessed?"

Bucky frowned, "Ah cmon guys whatcha laughin at?"

Dugan ruffled his hair, "Sometimes you just look like a little kid, especially you act all grumpy and moody."

"Little kid that could kick your ass Dugan." He warned.

There was a short silence as Bucky stared down at his three friends with a serious expression of anger and then he broke into a conniving grin which told them all he had been pretending to be mad which sent them all laughing again. Bucky even joined in, sometimes it was nice to not to have to think about the blood he could not get out from under his fingernails from the people he murdered only two days ago and pretend like things were okay and laugh.

-----

Bucky was lying awake in his poor excuse for a sleeping bag when the people on watch started shouting and he imediately shot up, assuming that some Nazis were nearing on them. But then he heard the bullets and smelt the blood and realised it was all too late. The bastards had already got the jump on them.

When you were in the dark it was near impossible to tell who was ally and enemy but clearly the Nazi's did not give a damn because they just emptied their clips again and again. Bucky tried to focus on anything else but the screams because his brain did this stupid thing where he placed the screams with the people he knew and Bucky had no interest in finding out who was dying when he could do nothing about it.

Instead Bucky just tried staying as calm as possible and defended himself against whatever came near him, using a gun if it was a Nazi and a tree if it was a bullet. He had no idea how long he was in the dark shooting and hoping for the Nazis to do their damn job so he did not have to listen to his team's pained howls.

However when he heard the sound of tanks and the shouts of his men announcing even more Nazis, Bucky thought of Steve. He thought of his stupid, tiny, angry, little boyfriend who picked fights with people who could kill him if he though they were doing wrong. He thought about the beautiful sketches of scenery, objects and people that he made. He thought about his smile, his laugh and his smirk. Bucky thought about how much he loved his goddam boyfriend so much his entire chest ached and cursed the world for making them killable because of it because Bucky was pretty sure he was about to die and all he wanted was Steve.

-----

"Kapitulation" Some German shouted at him after pistol whipping Bucky so hard in the temple that his face was in the ground and all he could taste was his own blood. Bucky had no clue what he said but given the context he was pretty sure it was 'surrender'.

Bucky turned his head to the side and spat, "Never."

"Du hast keine wahl." The German sneered and once again Bucky had no idea what he was saying but due to the fact that he was being hoisted off of the ground by more Germans and could feel the rope being bound around his wrists, the guy was probably going on about his lack of choice in the matter.

-----

Thanks the gun being smacked into the side of his head, everything was a bit muddled for Bucky but he knew that they all walked for a few days. Completely silent unless you wanted the Germans to shoot you in the knees and be left for dead which was a fact that the 107th had to learn the hard was after loosing three men. Bucky had tried counting how many were left after the massacre in the forest but that required turning his head and every time he did that he stumbled over and almost fell. Falling down would get you dead as well.

Anyway after walking for a few days they arrived to a big factory surrounded by more Germans and were shoved into cages. Five people to each cage, tossed in like they were worth less than animals and left to rot. When Bucky was thrown in he stayed on the ground and closed his eyes, he knew you were not supposed to do that when you had been hit in the head but he was so damn tired. He had lost so many men and then gotten them all captured by the enemy, Bucky had to not think for a little while.

A boot kicked him in the leg, "Get up Sarge."

Bucky grumbled and curled himself up into a ball tighter while a guy with a heavy British accent, "Thats your Sergeant? Whats he doing?"

"Trying to sleep." He replied, "Which is stupid cause he's bleeding out his head."

Some other guy picked him up by the face and stared at him whilst muttering something in French, Bucky frowned because their faces were very close and Steve was the only guy he let get all touchy with his face. "What the hell is Frenchie doin'?"

A strong arm clapped him on the back, "Sarge's awake and talking!"

There were a couple of celebratory murmurs from the cages either side of them but Bucky just rolled his eyes and sat back against the cold metal bars he was trapped in. Their first day as prisoners and his men were whooping and clapping because he was not dead. Bucky frowned, he was supposed to be the innocent kid who knew that there was nothing to be happy about when stuck here, not the other way around.

A hand was thrust into his face, "James Montgomery Falsworth."

Bucky took the hand and shook it, "Bucky Barnes."

"Bucky?" A voice questioned, and Bucky turned around to find that Gabe had been thrust in the cage with him. "Your name is James, Sarge."

Bucky rubbed a hand over his head, "Oh yeah, its my bo- best friend who calls me that."

Gabe gave him a nudge, "Never called you that in my life Sarge."

"Alright." Bucky chagrined, "Steve, my best pal from my hometown calls me that and I said it cause I'm still a bit loopy from the gun in my face."

Falsworth nodded, "So what do we call you, James or Bucky?"

Bucky smirked, "You call me James unless you want Steve to rise up from the middle of Brooklyn and beat ya face in for usin his nickname."

The Frenchman on his left nodded as if he understood and simply said, "Bucky."

Falsworth and Gabe started to laugh and Bucky got them to shut up, "Now ain't the time to be laughin, we in some factory fulla Germans with guns."

Falsworth shrugged, "All you need to do is stay conscious and silent in the day when he build their weapons. If not." Then he pointed to the other figure in their cage, "You end up like him."

"What happened to him?" Gabe inquired.

Falsworth sighed, "Fell over when we were carrying something, the guy is starving you see? Been here longer than me or Frenchie so had much less food. Anyway they just tossed him back in here and left him to die. He's lucky though."

Bucky frowned at the starved figure, "How is he lucky?"

"Most of the guys who step a toe out of line get dragged off by some soldiers and never come back." Falsworth explained, "But we've all heard the similar things from the Germans who gossip too much and its something about experimenting on them."

Gabe let out a low whistle, "Like human experimentation?"

"Oui." The Frenchman said and then continued on with a long sentence that clearly went over his and Falsworth's heads but Gabe simply gave a grave nod when he was done.

"He said that whatever it is the Germans try to do to them, they all die screaming." Gabe explained, "Then he added that his name was Jacques Dernier not Frenchie."

Bucky shrugged, "He calls me a nickname then so do I."

Closing his eyes, Bucky let his head rest against his cage and relaxed the slightest bit but definately did not sleep a wink.

-----

Everything was going okay as far as Bucky was concerned by the end of what he guessed was his first week. They were forced out of their cages as soon as the sun was up and carried heavy hunks of metal along in lines in order to help the Nazi's make bombs which would kill their friends and family. More than once had people keeled over due to exhaustion and sometimes they would be dragged off, sometimes shot in the head and sometimes just left to lay there and die.

When they were working in the day, Bucky got to see Dugan and Morita stood in a line infront of him and each time he saw them Bucky allowed himself to be relieved for a small second that his friends were not dead before he got back to work. A week into moving metal and his hands were calloused, bleeding and raw, his hands had always been some of the worst because of how much time he spent with a rifle in them. Now his hands were so cut up and ruined that Bucky wondered if he could even handle a gun anymore.

The answer to his question came sooner than expected when Dernier was the one to keel over. A few days ago their fifth cage mate had finally died and that left Dernier as the one who had spent the longest in there, Gabe told them that he made a joke about it being his turn next. Suddenly the joke did not seem so funny anymore.

At first Falsworth had tried to keep him up off the ground but then Dernier almost brought him down as well so the Brit had to let go. A sickening clatter echoed through the warehouse as the hunk of metal Dernier was clinging onto fell down with him and moments later there was a German infront of him with a gun at his head.

Finally Bucky understood Steve and his constant determination to stop whatever wrongdoings he saw people up to in Brooklyn even though he lost the fight every time. Steve had once told him the he may have lost the battle but he won the war and Bucky had rolled his eyes and then punched him in the arm for being ridiculous. But here was Bucky about to probably get himself killed and the thing was that none of it felt like loosing.

So Bucky shot out of his place in the line, ignored the panicked whispers of the guys either side of him and took the gun out of the German's hands before he even realised that Bucky had stepped out of line. In the distance he could hear the other Nazi's screaming at him but Bucky smiled properly for the first time since he had been thrown in the dump and shot the German point blank in the head.

Next thing he knew, Bucky being stomped, kicked and punched by multiple Nazis who had all seen what went on but Bucky barely even felt the pain because he had just won. He showed his troops that they were not the German's little pawns no matter how many guns were pointed at them and he had kept a friend from dying for at least a little while longer. One of the Germans was just about to shoot him in the face when someone came running out of a door.

"HALT." A man screeched and Bucky was not too sure what he said next but experiment is the same word in German and English so when he heard that all the colour drained from Bucky's face.

-----

Three guards dragged his battered body into a lab that was cold, empty and dark. On one side was a desk with papers, maps and plans which Bucky thought was a little wierd for the Germans to keep in a lab. On the other side were cabinets and bottles and metal tables with all sorts of sharp looking objects on it spread out neatly which was definately what Bucky had been expecting to see. Then right in the centre was a metal table with large leather restraints to keep him from moving that Bucky was attached to before he could even try to get away.

He was left there in the pitch black room for what felt like hours but could have been days, Bucky had lost all concept of time when all he could focus on was all the ways his body felt in pain and in the wrong place from the beating those Germans had given him.

When a light finally came on and the men came bustling it, Bucky had to scrunch his eyes closed from the harsh brightness after so much dark. Some men in uniform went over to the maps, some men in white coats went over to the lab and a short fat man with round glasses and a disturbing smile walked right over to him.

"Sergeant Barnes." He greeted, "I am Doctor Arnim Zola and you are just what I have been looking for."

Bucky would have spat at the man but he had nothing in his mouth to do so, so instead he just scowled at the man and looked away as if his presence meant nothing to him. Apparently this did not have the desired affect because Zola just laughed and then strode over to the table.

"Anything you have to say before we begin?" Zola sneered as he held up a large syringe full of blue liquid right up infront of Bucky's face.

Bucky tried his best not too look intimidated and ignored the croak in his voice as he used it for the first time in a while, "Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes, 32557038."

That was it because that was what their incredibly brief training on what you were supposed to say when taken captive way. Your name and number, that was all you could give them. So thats all Bucky would say.

Zola smiled and it made Bucky feel sick, "Oh Sergeant we don't want your information, we want your body."

Then Zola jammed a needle into Bucky's arm, pushed the blue liquid into his body and it felt like fire was travelling through his veins. Bucky had no idea when he started screaming and thrashing around in his restraint but only noticed when he stopped because Zola was jamming with another bright blue needle.

-----

White hot pain. Burning, searing, screaming. Agony.

-----

Bucky was brought back from unconsciousness with a heavy slap to his face, he had no clue how long he had been strapped down to the table but judging by the fact his bones did not feel broken any more he thought it must have been months. It sure felt like months, months of pain only stopped when his body shut down and he saw blue burning and boiling him alive. But it could have been hours because Bucky's brain was drowning in too much agony for it to be able to focus on anything else.

He blinked a couple of times and there was Zola peering over his face with a maniacal grin, "Congratulations Sergeant Barnes you have made it through stage one."

Bucky spat this time because he could and his blood went flying onto Zola's pristine white lab coat, "Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes, 32557038."

Zola peered at his coat in abject horror and then turned to another one of the guys in lab coats, "Do it."

A rubber guard was shoved into his mouth and Bucky was just about to spit that out when vaults of electricity began coursing through him. He had not even realised all the wires they had him hooked up to before, but now he could tell exactly where they were because thats where he could smell his skin burning. Bucky started to scream again only to realise he could barely make any noise any more, he had already screamed himself hoarse.

He lost control over his body thanks to the electricity coursing through it and it started spasming so hard that Bucky felt the bones in his body snap as they fought against the restraints. Tears leaked down his face but they felt ice cold in comparison to the rest of his burning hot body. But despite all that Bucky refused to let his eyes close for more than a second, he fought his body's desperation to pass out with all that he had left because he knew the second he closed his eyes all he would see was the bright blue burning.

-----

Bucky woke up screaming, not only because of the blue behind his eyes but because someone was cutting him open. He looked, he saw Zola with the knife as he dug it into his side. Bucky saw his own ribs when he looked down and went to throw up but there was nothing inside him to get rid of. When Zola noticed he was awake and moving, he jammed him with a needle.

Whatever was in that needle was almost as bad as the blue one because this time Bucky could see exactly what they were doing to him, he could feel as they cut open his skin and poked and prodded. But he could not move a single muscle, he could not even open his eyes so he just listened to Zola and the scientists muttering in German as they chopped him up.

Instead of it being pitch black with his eyes closed, it was still burning blue. An angry bright blue that Bucky had learned to be terrified off and he did not even know why.

-----

When he could finally move again, Bucky opened his eyes and frowned, his clothes were back on but through the thin ripped up fabric he could see his body. He could see where they had cut into his ribs, his stomach and his leg but there was no blood. Sure the table he was lying on was stained in blood, the restraints holding him down were more red than brown but there was no blood on him. No evidence of them stitching him up. In fact all there was were faint red lines where he had felt them cut him open.

He was sure it had only been a few hours, they may have fried his brain a bit but Bucky was completely certain that it had only been a few hours because he was counting the entire time. He was counting and waiting every moment they had been chopping him up and it could not have been that long.

Zola slapped him round the face and smiled, "Well done Sergeant Barnes, you have proven to be very promising." Then he brandished a needle full of bright blue, "So now we do it all again."

-----

Bucky had no idea how many times they had done their stupid routine but he remebered them all laughing when he begged for death so he knew it did not matter how many times they did it because they would do it again. All he could hope was that his body gave up and killed him because he could not endure it any longer.

Chapter Text

Steve barely even registered the danger since the only thought that was thrumming through his brain was Bucky. Captain America had been taken to the front lines of the war to cheer up the troops and it was the stupidest thing that Steve had ever done and once he started a fight with eight guys from the docks for bothering a dame. However one got him put in the hospital and the other was mortifyingly embarassing and made him feel more useless and shameful than ever before.

He had only done a few shows in Europe when he found out that the latest show he had just done was for what was left of the 107th and it devistated Steve to see how broken they all looked. That was nothing in comparison to how he felt when he found out that Bucky was in a HYDRA camp in enemy grounds and his parents were going to recieve a letter that he was presumed dead. Thankfully Peggy had been beside him, a faithful presence which reminded him to keep it together when in front of commanding officers.

Peggy's unyielding faith in Steve had made her tell him on more than one occasion that he could do a lot more than put on an act for some useless shows. Steve only realised how serious Peggy had been when she actually offered to help him save Bucky, which had been his plan from the moment he heard he was a prisoner.

Peggy gave him Rebecca's helmet and got Howard to fly them over to enemy lines. Steve could barely believe that even though they were best friends Howard actually believed in Peggy enough to follow through with her plan and fly them to Azzano but he had no time to focus on that and instead listened to Peggy diligently as she talked him through the base he was about to infiltrate.

-----

All in all when he found the cages with men locked up in them like animals, Steve's heart started pounding at the prospect of seeing Bucky again. But there was no Bucky in sight, just a couple of hundred very starved and exhausted looking men.

"Sergeant Barnes?" He asked desperately.

A beefy looking man patted him on the shoulder, "He was taken a month ago."

"Taken where?" Steve asked, feeling the bile rise up.

Another guy pointed him down to the other side of the facility, "No one comes back from there, I'm sorry."

Steve shook his head, Bucky was his bloody other half and he knew he would have felt it if the jerk died on him. There was no bloody way that Bucky was gone when he had gotten so close. Steve turned back to the few men who had responded to his questions about Bucky.

"The tree line is 80 yards northwest." He explained, "Get out fast and give em hell and I'll meet back up with you guys and anyone else I can find."

Some guy stepped out of the crowd, "Wait. Do you have any idea what you're doing?"

Steve shrugged, "Yeah. I've punched Hitler like 200 times."

Then he sprinted off, ignoring the confused faces and having complete faith that the troop who had served under Bucky Barnes were good enough fighters to take out some HYDRA bastards.

-----

He almost ran right past the room but Steve heard Bucky's voice muttering deliriously, his voice rough, raw and cracked as though he had broken his vocal cords. It wrenched something in Steve's chest to know that someone had done this to his Bucky but he pushed past his horror and made his way into the room hurriedly.

The room was a tip, on his left there were a bunch of vials of liquids and different instruments coated in dried blood that definately belonged in a medical tent and on his right was a bunch of papers, most of which he imagined had been taken with whoever ran out of the room but there was a huge map on the wall with various locations pinned. It made Steve sick to think that people had causally been plotting and planning whilst they tortured people in the same room.

Bucky.

Bucky was strapped down to a metal table, staring up at the ceiling, blinking erratically as he muttered his name and number over and over again. Steve ran over to him to get him out of the awful leather straps keeping him down but it was hard when his own hands were shaking so much. The fact that Bucky did not even notice his presence and layed still as he tried to get the buckles to open made Steve want to cry because it meant he could not have even fought anyone who approached him.

Giving up, Steve used that strength he had been given and ripped those awful harnesses off of the table which apparently got Bucky's attention as he looked down from the ceiling and directly at him.

"I- is that-?"

Steve tried to smile at him, "Its me. Its Steve."

Confusion flitted across Bucky's face for all of a second before he just let out a sigh of relief and gave a small smile, "Steve?"

Steve helped him up from the table and was suprised at how light Bucky felt to him now and tried not to think about the weight Bucky must have lost, but then his entire body weight slumped against him as it became evident that he could barely stand. Bucky felt a little heavier then and Steve was genuinely relieved by that.

He could not help himself from holding his face in one of his hands and brushing away some of the dirt from his face with his thumb, Steve was really doing his best to stay composed but this was testing his limits. "I thought you were dead." He whispered.

Bucky just looked him up and down disbelievingly, "I though you were smaller."

His speech was slurred, his eyes were hazy and he looked awful but that was his Bucky. That was his damn Bucky right there infront of him and Steve felt like everything was right in the world again for a brief second. Then he remebered HYDRA and the Nazis and the war.

The gunfire got louder and Bucky flinched at the noise but Steve tried his best to ignore that and slipped an arm underneath Bucky to take some of his weight, "Cmon Buck, we gotta go."

Steve was not sure if Bucky was all there yet in his head because he looked pretty out of it but clearly something instinctual recognised him even though Steve could barely do the same when he looked in a mirror sometimes. But Bucky obviously still knew him since his entire body lent into Steve and trusted him to help him get the hell out.

"What happened to you?" He slurred.

"I joined the army."

The joke was a little lost on Bucky but there was no way Steve was about to have an honest conversation with Bucky about what happened to him when he could barely walk. Once they passed through the door, Bucky pushed away from him a little, trying to walk by himself. Steve would have rolled his eyes if it wasn't so endearing because of course Bucky did not want to be a hindrance and slow down Steve slightly despite having been tortured for weeks on end.

"Did it hurt?" He asked.

Steve slowed down his pace to accommodate Bucky's stumbling and to make sure he was close enough to grab him if he lost his footing, "A little."

"Is it permanent?"

Steve scoffed, smiling slightly at the fact that Bucky had been taken off the torturing rack moments ago and all he could think about was Steve. "So far."

With every second, Bucky seemed to get a little stronger and a few minutes later and they were almost running to get out of the awful HYDRA facility before it blew up with them in it. The stairs were a bit harder for Bucky but he used the railings to pull himself up and Steve only had to help him a couple of times. They were almost at the exit point when Schmidt came out from the elevator Steve was planning to use.

There was a short fat man behind Schmidt and when Bucky saw him, he clasped the railings so hard his knuckles went white. Steve tried to reign in his anger and focus on whatever Schmidt was saying but it was hard when he knew that the guy behind him had hurt his Bucky. Steve had never felt that kind of anger before and he channelled it all into punching the idiot infront of him.

-----

So Schmidt was the failed first try at the super soldier serum and had a disturbing red face and was getting away thanks to the fat man Steve already hated.

"You don't have one of those, do you?" Bucky murmered.

Although Steve already knew the answer he found himself checking just in case, "Course not Buck."

Another explosion blew them both back and Steve had to pull Bucky up another fight of stairs, he hated the fact that Bucky was most definately in pain and him lugging him up stairs was doing nothing to help the matter but it was the only way they were going to survive. When they got to the top, Steve pushed Bucky to go first and walk across the weak looking metal bar in order to get to safety.

Steve's heard leapt out of his chest when the bar started to fall and almost cried when he saw the Bucky was safe on the other side. The dazed glint in his eyes was almost completely gone as he shouted over to him, "Gotta be a rope or somethin."

"Go. Get out of here." Steve insisted to Bucky because as long as he was alive, Steve would be okay.

This fierce determination overcame Bucky and despite the rawness of his voice he shouted in a tone to angry and serious the likes of which Bucky had never used on Steve in all his years of knowing him. " NO. NOT WITHOUT YOU."

Steve knew that was an order and there was no way he was not going to listen to Bucky when he shouted like that, so he did the only thing left he could do. He ran and jumped. Crashing right into Bucky's arms on the other side.

-----

After his outburst in the burning facility, Bucky's energy faded fast and Steve had to practically carry him over to the tree line and into safety. Steve was pleased to see the mess that the escaped troops had left in their wake but focused mainly on Bucky's breathing just reminding himself that he was still alive.

When they got into the trees the big guy he had talked with earlier and four others came running over to him looking elated. At first Steve was a bit confused but then he realised that their happiness was directed at Bucky, clearly he had made some loyal friends.

"We thought you were dead Sarge." A black guy said as he patted Bucky on the shoulder.

Bucky groaned and keeled over, then threw up infront of all of them. Whatever came out of Bucky was mostly blood with a little bit of liquid and it served as a sombre reminder that Bucky may be alive but whether or not he was actually okay was a whole different question. Everyone's faces fell at the sight of Bucky so weak and injured but Steve tried to ignore how pained their expressions looked and focused on comforting Bucky.

When he had finished, Bucky pushed himself away from Steve, muttering something about needed five minutes to sit down. Steve immediately complied and let him sit down against a tree but made sure it was only a couple of meters away so that he still had his sights on him and then took the time to catch up with Bucky's friends. Apparently the rest of the guys were further into the forest, with two tanks and had collectively decided to get a nights rest before they carried on because none of them had enough energy to start walking now.

At first Steve was confused why they were telling them all that but when they finished and asked him for orders, it became clear that the joke of him telling them he was Captain America was lost on them. They all genuinely looked to him as their commander and Steve had no clue what to do, the person with the actual highest rank among them was recovering from being a torture victim for the moment and he had told them all he was a Captain. Steve just decided to jump in headfirst like he did with everything, laid out a plan for them walking back to the camp he had left and made suggestions to put the most injured on the tanks and to serve out some rations.

Apparently the five guys were impressed with his commands and before enacting them, took the time to introduce themselves. There was Jim Morita, Gabe Jones and Dum Dum Dugan who Steve had heard of from Bucky and was glad to have met and Jacques Dernier and James Falsworth who had apparently shared a cell with Bucky. They all seemed like great men.

"Hey Captain." Gabe called out and Steve turned around from where he was headed back to Bucky.

"Yeah?"

Gabe nodded over to Dernier, "Jacques only speaks French but he wanted me to tell you that Bucky saved his life and thats why he was taken into the lab."

Steve frowned, "You call him Bucky."

The two guys grinned and exchanged a knowing look, then Dernier said, "Je te l'ai dit, il est Steve."

Gabe nodded then explained, "Bucky told us in the cages that his best pal from Brooklyn was the only one who called him that so we figured when you were using the name that it would've been you. Gotta be honest though from the stories I'd figure you'd be smaller."

Steve raised a brow, "He mentioned me?"

Dernier scoffed and Gabe rolled his eyes, "Mentioned you? Steve your all he bloody talks about, wish I'd known that he was talking about Captain America the whole damn time though."

Steve grinned, "He didn't know."

Gabe blew out a breath, "Well I'm sure that'll be a conversation. The one thing we all know about Sarge is that if he cares about you then he's not gunna let you die and if you put yourself in danger than you get an earful about it. Only time we see him mad is when someone does something stupid."

Steve swelled up with pride, "Thats my Buck."

Gabe shook his head and sighed, "Shit, you're both as bad as each other."

-----

Steve found Bucky with his knees drawn up to his chest as he watched the ground infront of him with watery eyes. Without even thinking, Steve sidled up next to him, wrapped an arm around Bucky and pressed a kiss on his head. It tasted like blood and chemicals but Steve chose ignore that and instead focused on how cold Bucky felt. For a moment Bucky stilled under Steve's grasp and he glanced over to where his friends had been but when he noted that they were all gone he relaxed into Steve's side and tears started rolling down his face. It broke Steve's heart to see him like that.

"Can't believe its you Stevie." He whispered as though he was talking to himself, "I'm 'fraid that if I close my eyes I'll wake up back on the table."

Steve held him tighter, "You're never going back on that table, I promise."

Bucky sniffled again, "Okay."

"I missed you, you know?" Steve said, trying to lighten the mood only slightly, "I'm nineteen now, proper adult and everything."

Bucky pushed his head further into Steve's chest, "Turnin nineteen don't make ya that big."

Steve sighed, "Do we have to do this right now?"

Bucky grumbled and said a bunch of swears under his breath, "I won't be sleeping tonight Stevie, so I got the time to hear out what the hell happened ta you cause it sure as hell ain't joining the army."

It slightly annoyed Steve how he gave in immediately but Bucky was right there in his arms, an escaped prisoner of war and Steve was so grateful for him being alive that he probably would have done just about anything for the jerk. So he gave in and started talking, becoming more and more grateful for the serum making him stronger when Bucky kept on punching him in the arm every ten seconds in his story.

-----

The next morning Steve and Bucky woke everyone up when the sun started shining and it was testament to how good of a Sergeant Bucky was that every other person he woke up pulled him into a relieved hug for him being alive. Bucky looked a little out of it, like he was not fully present in the moment, right up until the men he met last night finally approached him and then Bucky smiled like it was Christmas.

Steve was not sure who refused to leave whose side but with Steve leading the way, Bucky was only inches behind them as he walked. At first he had tried to get Bucky to sit on one of the tanks and everyone had been more than willing to offer him a spot but Bucky flat out refused and insisted that if he could walk, he would. Apparently everyone here knew the real Bucky because people just rolled their eyes and let him do what he wanted.

With Bucky came his friends; Morita, Jones, Dugan, Falsworth and Dernier. Apparently they all got along together like a house on fire and even though Bucky was not talking as much as he was staring at his boots as they walked, they all seemed a lot brighter with Bucky's presence. Every once in a while one of them would check up on the rest of the troops and report back to Steve and the first time it happened was the first time Bucky looked up off the floor. He gave Steve a questioning look as to why everyone was calling him Captain but Steve just shrugged and then Bucky went back to staring at the ground.

The next time Bucky looked up off the ground it was dusk and there was just enough light for Steve to be able to notice the movement. He looked at Steve, up and down, his eyes lingering on every part of his body for a long time as he really took in how much he had changed. Then his stopped at his ass and Steve had to stop himself from getting red. Bucky really was a jerk.

"Huh." He said and that got the attention of his friends as well since that was the first time he spoken since they started walking. "Didn't think it could get bigger... or better."

Steve was most definately bright red now so he stared straight ahead as Dugan said, "What are you on about Sarge?"

Bucky sighed and Steve felt when his gaze finally left, "Guys did I ever tell you about the time Steve and I-"

There was a collective groan and Steve turned around too see that the group of Bucky's friends were glaring at him, Morita noticed him looking and explained, "This is the thing with Sarge, he's either talking about the war or you and I'll tell you it gets real boring after a while."

Steve grinned when he saw the soft relieved smiles on all of Bucky's friends faces because while they were all making a show out of being annoyed, obviously they were all relieved to have Bucky acting a bit more like himself. Steve was too and so he winked at Bucky as subtly as he possibly could before turning back to looking infront of him.

Bucky was half way through his story about the time that they found a stray dog at the docks when they were kids and tried to catch it but ended up chasing it into the sea. It was a bit of a morose story since Steve was pretty sure that the dog died and Steve had gotten really ill from all that running but Bucky told it in a way which had everyone howling with laughter. He had been going on and on about how funny Steve had been trying to run with his wheezy lungs and little legs when Steve decided to get some revenge.

"You know Buck?" He said, cutting into his story spontaneously, "Everything got bigger and better...everything."

Bucky choked and started spluttering, claiming he had no clue what he was talking about but he made a swift recovery and continued on with his story. Obviously Bucky was out for revenge as well since his next story was all about when they went to Coney Island and Steve threw up.

-----

Steve had claimed the walk would take about four days and he was pleased when they reached the half way point by nightfall of day two. Since everyone had practically been walking non-stop since then, Steve decided they would rest for the night. He got Falsworth and Morita to make their way down and let everyone know and then got the others to help with dishing out supplies.

By the time it was dark they had gotten everyone some food and handed out the shitty blankets the army had for one between two for the night. When Steve asked who would take watch, almost half of the entire troop volunteered which took him slightly aback since everyone seemed pretty eager for rest but Steve just randomly selected a bunch and told the rest to get some sleep.

He took up his own post when he heard familiar footsteps coming his way and tried not to smile about it. "Weren't you the one goin on about gettin rest, Stevie?"

"Serum." He supplied, "Don't need that much sleep anymore."

Bucky ungracefully sat himself down beside him, "Don't remind me of that shit cause every time I think about it I want ta sock you in the goddam face." He grumbled.

"I knew you'd be mad at me Buck and I knew it was dangerous and stupid but I had to do it." He replied, "Please tell me you understand?"

"You coulda died." Bucky replied, the gravelly tone his voice had picked up after Azzano more severe than usual.

Steve sighed, "Buck I was dying already, I had made it to eighteen which was a damn miracle anyway and we both know that with my heart and my lungs I wasn't making it much longer."

"I loved your heart and your lungs just the way they were." He snapped.

"I know." He answered back because the lingering possibility of Bucky not liking him anymore because of his big new body had always mocked him in the back of his brain.

Bucky lit up a cigeratte and shuffled away from Steve, "Now everyone loves big Steve and you ain't my little Stevie anymore."

Steve scoffed, "Are you being jelous right now?"

Blowing the smoke away from Steve's face, Bucky told him, "Its just a lotta change and it makes me miss home. You understand?"

"Yeah." Steve replied, "I do."

"Good."

"But Bucky?"

"Yeah?"

Steve then moved into the space that Bucky had made between them, pulled the cigeratte from Bucky's lips and took a drag himself, "Change doesn't always have to be a bad thing."

Bucky snatched his cigeratte back, "Tell me that when you get your Brooklyn accent back, dick."

"So crude," Steve taunted, "War's really changed you Buck! The language!"

Relenting Bucky sidled up to Steve and rested his head in Steve's lap, blowing the smoke right up into Steve's face, "You're a fucking punk."

Steve leaned down and kissed his head, "Your fucking punk."

"Alright then."

Neither of them slept that night but it was the safest and warmest Steve had felt in months and when the sun started shining, Steve felt as rested as he would have if he had actually been sleeping.

-----

Steve walked back to camp listening to stories and feeling a little bit happy for the first time since Bucky left. He was back and things had changed, for both of them, but they were together again and Steve felt like he could do anything with Bucky at his side.

When they finally arrived, he was greeting by a surprisingly accommodating Colonel Philips and Peggy Carter giving him her best flirty eyes whilst simultaneously showing him that she was actually relieved to have him back. Steve gave her a grin, he was glad to have been blessed with such a loyal friend.

He knew that Bucky was trying to get under his skin with all that cheering for Captain America crap but he could barely bring himself to care. He had gotten the men out of the HYDRA base and back to camp, he had finally been able to do what he had been wanting to do since he heard about Pearl Harbour; Serve.

Now he had a new objective and it was to kill every single HYDRA bastard he could because nobody had ever hurt his Bucky and gotten away with it and with his brand new body, Steve had a feeling that a couple of weak punches would not be the extent of his revenge.

Chapter Text

Bucky had been quiet since they got back to camp, he had found out where Steve's tent was and holed himself up in there whilst the rest of his troops celebrated, ate, drank and got the medical attention and rest they needed after spending a month as prisoners of war. Steve had been busy reporting back to Colonel Phillips everything he found out about HYDRA so the only time he saw him was when he went to bed but every time he did so, Bucky left his tent and said he was going to sleep on his own.

On their third day back, Steve was told he would continue discussions back in London which was where everyone was being sent before being shipped back to their respective troops. The 107th had lost too many men during their capture and escape so they had to be disbanded. Steve had expected Bucky to be upset by the news but he had just shrugged and said he had already heard the death of the 107th the night they were captured. It was hard to tell that Bucky was only twenty, his blue eyes had seen so much for his young age and he had grown harder around the edges from war and torture.

Bucky came back to his tent later that night, stumbling and smelling of liquor and cigerattes, muttering something about toasting to the 107th with his men. Steve frowned as he looked at Bucky's disarrayed state, the army had decided to put him in charge of a group of men when he was still just a kid and then cruel fate had gotten the majority of them killed. As if Bucky did not have enough to be upset over already, he also had the lives of over a hundred men from a troop he had loved to think about.

"You're drunk Buck." Steve told him.

Bucky sat down on the end of Steve's bed and sighed, "No wonder I feel so good."

Steve sat up and tried to pull Bucky into bed with him but Bucky pushed him away, "C'mon Buck, its fine, no one comes in here kept Peggy."

Bucky tutted, "Exactly." Then he hiccupped, "Can't be upsetting Peggy."

Rolling his eyes Steve grabbed at Bucky again, "Peggy ain't interested in me like that and neither am I so shut up and get into bed you useless drunk."

"Rude." Bucky snorted, "Very rude Mr Captain America."

Finally Bucky let himself get dragged into bed by Steve and Steve wrapped himself around Bucky like he used to when he was little and trying to get as much heat off of Bucky as he possibly could. Things were a bit different now Steve was big; his head was on the pillow instead of Bucky's chest but he still had his arms wrapped around his waist and one of his legs draped protectively over Bucky's. Clearly the pair of them felt at ease wrapped up in each other since hey both finally drifted off to sleep.

-----

Steve was woken up by Bucky thrashing about in bed, tears were streaming down his face and thanks to Steve's enhanced hearing he could hear Bucky begging for them to kill them under his breath. Hearing that wrecked Steve and he started crying himself but he sat up and started running his hands through Bucky's hair which was something he always liked when he was upset.

"You're alright Buck." He murmered, "You're okay, I promise."

Finally Bucky's deep blue eyes opened up and he gasped, taking long shuddering breaths as his entire body started to shake. Steve half expected him to push him away and curl up into a ball but instead Bucky just buried his face into his t-shirt and grabbed his waist in a tight death grip. It only took a few seconds for Steve to realise that Bucky was crying into his top to muffle the sounds.

Steve continued carding his hands through Bucky's hair, absently noting how much longer it had gotten and waiting for Bucky to calm down enough to have a conversation.

"You okay?" He asked when Bucky peeled himself off of Steve's wet t-shirt.

Bucky looked up at him and frowned, "What do you think, Stevie?"

Steve kissed his cheek, "Don't matter what I think Buck, how are you feeling?"

Following Bucky's eyeline, Steve watched as he held out his hands and looked at the heavy tremor they both had, then Bucky ignored it and wiped away the tears on his face. Determindly trying not to be messed up after having been tortured was stupid and just like Bucky. He sat up in the small bed they had both squished themselves into.

"They pulled me in yesterday, asked me to tell them about my experience in the camp." He explained, his voice still permanently grainy which Steve had been trying to get used to, "I made it half way until I freaked, not even cause of what I was saying, just cause someone suggested I go to the medical tent to get cleared by a doctor."

Bucky took a shuddered breath before he continued, "I just closed up completely, couldn't talk and was all shaky. I hated it Stevie, I felt so weak, but my body thought they were gunna start experimenting on me all over again and."

After taking a second Bucky finally continued, "They apologised, then asked me to write the rest of my story down. Later I walked past Colonel Phillips and Agent Carter on my way to the guys and Stevie... they looked at me with so much pity I couldn't take it."

Grabbing his hand and holding it so tightly Steve thought his hand might bruise Bucky looked at him under the faint glimmer of their oil lamp, "Promise me that whatever I tell you happened or if I freak our or however many dammed nightmares I have, you wont look at me like I'm broken because if you start then I'll fucking believe it."

"Never." Steve swore.

Bucky nodded and relaxed, his head resting on Steve's shoulder. Neither of them slept a wink, but at least they closed their eyes and rested.

-----

When they got back to London, Steve was informed that he could have his own team to take out all the Hydra bases he had spotted pinned on the map where they had kept Bucky. He barely got the words out before Bucky insisted that he use his friends; Falsworth, Dugan, Dernier, Morita and Jones. Not only because they were the best dammed fighters he knew but because if Steve did not take them then they would all be seperated into different troops for their different races and nationalities. Steve just grinned because those guys had been the ones he had in mind originally.

Drinks were on him that night which was apparently all it took for the men who had just spent a month chained up thanks to Hydra to want to go after them. Steve almost refused to pay, thinking he still had absolutely no money and was still a tiny poor kid from Brooklyn but then he remebered Captain America and tried not to concentrate on the fact good money was being wasted away on drinks in a pub in London. Clearly growing up in the depression was not a mindset he could forget easily.

Steve found Bucky nursing a beer at the back of the bar and tried not to wince at the thought that usually Bucky would have been singing with the rest of his team as he sat down next to him.

Bucky glanced at him and smirked, "Told you so, they're all idiots."

"How about you?" Steve asked tensely as the question that had been on his mind all week finally came into play, "You ready to follow Captain America into the jaws of death?"

Setting down the beer Bucky looked at him with all sincerity and said, "Hell no." and Steve was just about to clap him on the back and say he understood completely when Bucky continued, "That little guy from Brooklyn who was too dumb to run away from a fight, I'm following him."

Steve hated how relieved he was to hear that because after all he had been through if there was one person who deserved to go home, it was Bucky.

"You're keeping the outfit right?" He teased.

Steve smirked right back, "You know what? Its kinda growing on me."

Peggy came in and did her whole flirt act whilst she told him Howard wanted a chat with him the next day and Bucky seemed a lot less grumpy now that Steve had assured him that they were putting it on. In fact he seemed a little smug and when Peggy had left and Bucky dragged him out the back door into a dark alley, Steve figured out why. Bucky was being all smug because Steve was his, the jerk.

-----

When they shipped out, Steve realised how good of an actor Bucky actually was when the prick acted so grumpy that he just had to ride of the back of Steve's bike because there was no space in the jeep for him. In fact he was acting so annoyed that Steve believed him, right up until he actually got on the thing and gave him all sorts of compliments on the uniform that Howard had cooked up for him.

Six Hydra bases that Steve got to blow off the map and their first one was in Poland, the night before when they had all had too many beers to count, told stories so ridiculous that no one believed them and sang so badly that windows shattered was when Bucky came up with their name. The Howling Commandos; Steve had never been more proud to Captain such a fine group of men.

-----

"We only got three tents." Dugan frowned as they set up for first night.

"Obviously we only got three tents." Bucky replied.

Gabe rolled his eyes, "We ain't poor anymore Sarge, this team is lead by bloody Captain America, we get extra funding."

"It ain't about the funding boys," Bucky retorted, "Its about the weather, cause if everyone's in their own tent, nobody gunna know if ya dying of hypothermia."

"Oh my god." Morita moaned loudly, "Nobody get Sarge started on the fucking cold or we'll be here all night."

Falsworth grinned evilly, "Whats this about the cold James?"

"Well James." Bucky smiled back because apparently the pair thought it was hilarious that they had the same first name, "The cold's lethal you know? It can get ya sick or kill ya and you'd never even notice until its too late..."

Whilst Bucky lectured them all about the cold, Steve smiled fondly from afar as he set up a campfire, this was a part of Bucky he knew all too well. The overprotective idiot who went above and beyond to look out for those he cared for and there was no doubt that Steve was absolutely to blame for Bucky being so damn paranoid about the cold thanks to his many run ins with pneumonia.

"Ain't that right Stevie?"

"Huh?" He said, looking up from the fire.

Bucky pouted, "Were you listening to me?"

"Course ba-." Steve cut himself off and tried to cover up what he had been about to say, "Bucky."

From the glare Bucky was giving him he may have failed with the subtlety, "Punk."

"Jerk." Steve muttered as he went back to making the fire.

-----

Everyone had decided on Poland as their first hit because it was the smallest base and therefore a bit like a practice run. Their plan was pretty simple though; sneak in and get the hostages out, then blow it up. However Steve was pretty relieved that everyone said they needed a sniper before he had to because Steve knew that if he had been the one to suggest to Bucky that he had to stay behind then Bucky would have dismissed him, claiming overprotectiveness.

Bucky grumbled a little about not being able to keep everyone's six from the trees but agreed once he saw the schematics and how many Hydra goons they estimated would be walking about.

The night before they left Bucky had his worst nightmare yet, he screamed so loud Steve had to clamp a hand over his mouth for fear that he may give away their position. After that Bucky had began frustratedly muttering his name and number for a good ten minutes before he fell silent and started shaking. Bucky refused to talk to him about it and Steve had no clue if not knowing what had happened to Bucky was better or worse that what he was making up in his head.

It was safe to say that everyone had heard Bucky that night and given all of their close relationships with him, that nightmare had only been fuel for the fire when they busted into the Hydra base. It was considerably smaller than the one in Azzano but reminiscent enough to make Steve a little jittery which made him a whole lot more grateful that Bucky was outside.

That was until Steve left the Hydra facility running before the explosions set off and saw the litter of bodies with perfect kill shots. There were at least twenty men he could physically see and Steve knew there were more. He had known Bucky was a formidable sniper, he had been told it enough times but seeing it was a little intimidating because the shots were perfect. Perfect murder was not something that seemed to be in accordance with Bucky Barnes.

A bullet brushed past Steve's helmet and a body collapsed behind him and that brought Steve back to reality. Bucky saving his life, now that was something he knew well.

-----

That night they all toasted to a victory but none of them smiled, the deaths were still too recent, so they sat quietly as they drank their Irish coffees. Bucky never followed Steve into their tent, he spent the entire night on watch and Steve did not blame him, he could not sleep either and he had not killed a quarter of the men Bucky had.

-----

They were camped out in the middle of the forest in Southern Italy a couple of days before they went to take out their second Hydra base when Bucky dragged Steve away from the rest of the Commandoes. Following Bucky's lead, Steve stayed silent as they trudged through the forest until they reached a small stream surrounded by bright green trees and Steve's hand itched to sketch the scene. He missed drawing sometimes.

Bucky just grinned at him, "A while ago you mentioned something about me missin two of ya birthdays."

Steve rolled his eyes, "What about it Buck?"

He held his hands out to reveal a package wrapped in bright paper, "I'm makin up for lost time."

"You dick." Steve grumbled, "I haven't gotten you anything."

Bucky walked right up to him and Steve thought he was about to do something incredibly romantic like kiss him but instead he just grabbed his ass and Steve could not help the shocked yelp that came out of him.

"That is the best present I've ever had." He teased.

Steve took the parcel from Bucky and sighed, "Such a hypocrite Buck, you hate the serum but love its effects."

"I hate that you took some magic potion that coulda killed you." Bucky corrected, "And I hate that patriotic propaganda you call Captain America."

"Oh yeah?" Steve replied boredly having been told the same thing a thousand times already.

Then Bucky sprung a suprise kiss on him, "I love Steve Rogers though, so open your damn present."

"Fine." Steve relented, ripping open the paper to find a new sketchpad and pencils. "Oh Buck-"

"Nope!" Bucky interrupted, "No goin sappy on me, I love ya bloody drawings more that I do you so its more of a personal investment than anythin else."

Steve just smirked, "Ya sap."

Then Steve sat down against a tree and started sketching whilst Bucky sprawled out against a tree opposite his, pulled his cap down over his eyes and smoked a cigeratte in peaceful silence. The way Bucky sat still made Steve think that he already knew that he would be included in Steve's sketch.

Steve thought about Falsworth's cap over Bucky's face and thought about the darker glint in his blue eyes which was slightly haunted, the gaunt shape to his face and the black bags under his eyes and decided that Bucky definately knew Steve would draw him because he had hidden the parts of him which if drawn would display a permanence to the effects of Azzano which loomed over them.

A couple of hours later, Bucky peered out of his cap, "You finished?"

Steve rolled his eyes, "Yeah you can come and see."

Bucky was lying on Steve's lap in a second, peering up at his drawing and smiled, "I look good."

"What a wonderful artistic comment." Steve replied dryly.

"Stevie."

"Yeah?"

Bucky pointed up at the sun in order to point out what time it was even though, unlike his sniper boyfriend, Steve could not tell the time from where the sun was in the sky. "We got an hour before we gotta be back to the guys."

"An hour?" Steve hummed, "Its almost as if you planned this day out, Buck."

Bucky shrugged as he pulled out a rubber and a tub of Vaseline from his pockets, "No clue what you're on about there Captain."

Steve snorted and leaned in for a kiss.

-----

The Howling Commandos were terrifyingly good at their job. Jacques Dernier and Gabe Jones perfected the art of getting all of the prisoners out, killing anyone in their way within minutes. Dum Dum Dugan made incredible explosives and was a hell of a fighter if the time called for it. Jim Morita was an expert at placing Dugan's explosives and good with a gun. Bucky Barnes was lethal and Steve Rogers was formidable. They were professionals and had gotten into a routine that had taken out four of the six Hydra bases in one year.

Steve should have known that things could not stay smooth sailing with each of them getting grazed by a couple of bullets or breaking a bone or two but still being fine. He should have assumed that good luck did not exist in the war.

They had gotten everyone out and blown up the damn facility but then a bunch of Hydra soldiers came out of the forest that Bucky been perched up in. With no sniper, their exit from the building was a lot less graceful and included a hell of a lot more blood and fighting. Someone stabbed Jones in the leg and Falsworth got shot in the arm.

Steve flung his shield at some Hydra idiot so hard that most of his head came off and on his way to collect it, he shot three more in the face. His blue suit was a lot more red and Steve was getting more brutal with his punches as he got more desperate. There was nothing to clue him on Bucky's wellbeing but given the fact that fifty or so Hydra had come from the exact place he had positioned himself, the chances that he was perfectly fine was slim to none.

-----

Dugan got into one of their tanks and cleared out the few bodies left and Steve tried not to think about how many people he had killed as he sprinted up to Bucky. He probably should have thought about something though because he completely missed the poorly set up electric wire that was buzzing loudly due to the high voltage and Steve got his feet wrapped up in it.

At first he thought it was okay and that he would be able to get himself out but then the current started making his way through his body and Steve thought his feet might be burning. He bit through his tounge and the blood pouring out of his mouth became the least of his worries when his shouts managed to attract the leftover Hydra soldiers.

"Captain America." One of the five sneered as he held a gun to his temple.

"Who would have though that-" Whatever the other German was about to say, he was cut off with a bullet through the head.

Then a dark haired figure in a navy blue trench coat punched the guy with a gun to his head so hard that Steve thought he heard his jaw break, he must have been mistaken though because as far as he knew Steve was the only guy with the power to break someone's jaw with a single punch. The fight was over in seconds and the five guys were dead but Steve barely noticed thanks to the painful amount of electricity coursing through him.

"Stevie." A familiar voice shouted but whatever else they said was lost in the pain filled haze.

There were loud shouts and then the pain was gone, replaced with a putrid smell of burning flesh. Steve lay on the ground, curled up tightly as he waited for the pain in his legs to subside as they began to heal themselves and once the pain was barely manageable he looked up to see the damage.

His brown boots were black and his ankles were smoking, his skin raw and so bright red it reminded him of Schmidt's face. Steve tried to swallow down the bile but ended up chucking up right there and then. He looked up again, past his legs and saw a pair of hands burned black and gasped.

The hands dissapeared out of sight and before he could saw anything a frazzled looking Bucky with hair standing up on its end and a terrible expression on his face that looked more haunted than it did in pain got up in his face.

"You alright Stevie?" Bucky asked gently.

"Yo-your hands." He replied weakly.

Bucky held out his hands which were wrapped up in parts of his green top which he must have ripped up to use as a bandage, he wriggled his fingers and a bit of blood seeped out into the green but his fingers were not black. Steve could not tell the colour of his palms but he figured if Bucky could move them, there was no way they were that badly damaged.

"They're fine." He insisted. "Now can you walk?"

Steve lay back down on the ground, "I might need a minute."

"Thats fine by me." Bucky replied, "I radioed Dugan and he's giving medical further down to Jones and Falsworth and then they'll head up to us."

-----

Thanks to their multiple injuries, Colonel Phillips called them in to do some recon up at the London base before they headed back out to finish the last two bases. As soon as they touched down, half of the commandos, including himself, were dragged to medical. Bucky was told to come as well but he refused vehemently and no one dared to go up against a member of Captain America's troops so he was left alone.

A couple of doctors came into to see Steve but it was obvious that none of them knew how to help him thanks to the Serum so finally Howard Stark came strolling in and insisted he knew how to help. But Howard did not even bother glancing at his feet, he just held out a couple of pills and promised they pain killers for a super soldier metabolism.

Steve was just about to swallow them when a gruff voice from the doorway said, "What the fuck are you taking?"

Steve set down the pills and gave Buck an incredulous look, ever since Azzano Bucky had lost any faith he had in doctors or medicine and the mere mention of them got him shaking. The fact that he had made it this far to see him was meaningful but also slightly annoying because Steve knew that Bucky would not want him taking anything he did not trust.

"Just some pain killers I cooked up for him." Howard replied calmly as he turned around to face Bucky.

Bucky went red in the face in a way in which literally made Steve jelous, "M-Mr Stark!"

Howard shrugged nonchalontly even though Steve could tell he was a little smug about Buck being a fan of his he held out a hand, "Howard, I insist."

Bucky took his hands out of his pockets to reveal they were still wrapped up in bloody bits of green fabric, "I would shake if I could."

Howard blanched a bit, "You should get that checked out."

"Last guy I knew who was a doctor tortured me till all I could remeber was my own name." He replied as if he were telling the guy what he had for breakfast, "I'm good."

Their was a brief silence before Howard just nodded, "Very well then." And then he clapped Bucky on the back as he walked out.

Steve pouted, "That wasn't very nice, scarin him like that."

"Stark let you take a serum that coulda killed you, wasn't very nice of him either." Bucky bit back.

Steve groaned, "You're never gunna let me live that down are ya?"

"Course not, Punk." Bucky replied as he cautiously sat down on the edge of Steve's bed.

Steve frowned, "You don't have to do this for me."

Reaching out, Bucky placed his poorly bandaged hand over Steve's. "I'm with you till the end of the line, Stevie and you gave me enough of a fright that I'm not lettin ya out of my sight."

Steve closed his eyes and relaxed, "Thanks, love you too."

And then he drifted off into a heavy sleep thanks to the pain pills Howard had given him which he downed when Bucky was not looking. If he had known that was the last good sleep he would get for seventy years then Steve might have forced Bucky down on the bed with him.

Chapter Text

Bucky had made a promise to himself that he was never going to let Steve go through what he went through as soon as he agreed to help take down HYDRA bases. Then he had watched Steve spasming as electricity coursed through him and realised that had meant he failed. The anger he felt for himself in that moment stopped him from thinking when he grabbed the wire with his bare hands. Not only did the bloody thing burn him down to the bone but it gave him a bunch of lovely memories from Azzano which he had been keeping buried deep down in his head.

It had been a year and a half since he had been in Azzano and the whole experience still stopped him from sleeping, not that he needed much of it anyway because whilst he mind was all messed up from the table, his body had gotten better. He was stronger, a lot stronger and healed quicker as well. Bucky had first noticed it when he saw his handprint bent into the metal of his rifle which had been a nasty fright but he decidedly ignored it. When the fighting was done and Hydra was gone, Bucky would maybe feel safe enough to talk to a doctor or a professional or something but until then he would stay quiet.

Sometimes when he woke up, all he could remeber for a few minutes was his name and number and he would mutter it until everything else came back. Other days he would dream of bright blue and wake up screaming, begging for death. So most days he just stayed awake, pretending to be asleep in order to appease Steve.

Except from his obvious aversion to doctors, the only other evidence of the effect Azzano had on him (other than the scars) was the blue light. Those stupid Hydra guns with their hideous blue lights which reminded him of the blue needles. On the outside Bucky did not so much as flinch but on the inside when he saw those lights his mind always went blank for a little bit, just half a second where all he could do was remeber the burning searing pain.

Everything that had happened to him in Azzano stayed on a scribbled bit of paper that Colonel Phillips and Agent Carter had read and then promptly burned as a favour to him but even then that paper had never held all of his secrets. One day he would tell Steve everything but that was only going to happen when the war was done. However the things that happened in Azzano came dangerously close to being exposed thanks to his goddam burned up hands.

Even the rest of the commandos thought it was wierd how he had burned them up on electricity a few days ago but could still hold a mug of beer just fine. Bucky glared at them all with his Sergeant face and they went back to telling stories and singing sings.

-----

A month later and they were moving in on their fifth Hydra base and the only evidence that his hands had ever even been torched black by electric wiring was two thick white lines that ran down the centre of each of his palms. This time when he was done sniping the enemy, Bucky got out of his hiding spot and joined the fight on ground. There was no chance he was letting Steve get hurt again.

They were both twenty one now but Steve was younger in every sense of the word and Bucky was determined to keep him that way. He needed Steve's head to be alright and his soul to not be too dragged down with the murder of men so that he could still look up at the trees and see the beauty of the world. It was selfish and awful but he needed Steve to still see the world as beautiful and sketch it down so that Bucky could see it like that too.

-----

Bucky had been learning French from Gabe when they had the spare time to do so and he had been pleased to find out it was something he could do pretty well. Learning how to talk with his hands to the deaf guys in the 107th had come pretty easy and the same could be said with French. Gabe had told him that he thought Bucky had a good brain for learning languages and it was one of those compliments you never forgot because it really meant something to you.

So for the past couple of months, Bucky had enjoyed pretending being completely oblivious to whatever Dernier was saying but the week before taking out the final Hydra base on their map the entire team had decided to get drunk in celebration. Of course Steve opted out and Bucky knew it was because the sap wanted to keep an eye out of him but instead of being annoyed, Bucky just felt a little safer downing his drinks with Steve beside him.

Dernier was keeled over laughing at Bucky because of how drunk he looked and his brain decided that would be the perfect time to surprise the prick.

"Tais-toi, bâtard français" Bucky cussed. (shut up you French bastard)

Everyone's face suspended in picture perfect surprise and he and Gabe burst into laughter. "You know French?" Falsworth questioned.

Bucky shrugged smugly, "Gabe taught me."

Dugan threw a rock at him teasingly, "You're awful Sarge, the fuckin worst."

"Ain't I just the worst Stevie?" Bucky teased, his words slurring so much they came out together.

Steve rolled his eyes but a fond smile was still on his face, "How much did you idiots let him drink?"

Morita peered at the can of liquor, "Most of it?"

Steve shook his head, "Dickheads. The lotta you."

Gabe faked a dramatic gasp, "Oh Captain America! The perfect golden boy of American perfection, did my ears lie or did you just use the devils tounge?"

Everyone started laughing again and Steve smiled good naturedly as he stood up, "Fuck off, all of you." and then he looked down at Bucky, "Apart from you, you are coming to bed with me."

Bucky smirked, "Takin the direct approach tonight I see, you dirty dog."

The Commandos started laughing louder than before but Steve fought a blush since Bucky's joke was based on truths rather than lies which was the exact reaction he had been hoping for and Bucky gave him a subtle wink. Steve rolled his eyes again and easily picked Bucky up off of his log with one arm, which in his drunken state, was incredibly attractive to Bucky.

When they got into their tent the pair cuddled up as Steve ran his hands through Bucky's hair just the way he liked it. Bucky was fighting against the sleep threatening to take him hard when Steve helped him out by starting a conversation.

"What do you imagine for us in the future Buck?" He asked calmly.

Bucky snorted, the alcohol preventing him from lying, "Nothing Stevie, we're in the middle of a war. My future is tomorow and I like imagining the pair of us still alive."

A tiny little frown made its way onto Steve's cute face, "That's it?"

"What do you imagine?" Bucky deflected, "And realistically, not in your dreamland you talked bout when we were kids thinkin we could live together and not be fuckin killed for it."

Steve hummed peacefully as if he had never heard Bucky's macabre notion and said, "I like to think that I'll marry Peggy and you'll marry her dame Rebeca and then us four maybe live together or at least next door and love each other instead of the ones we married."

"Steve you are a bloody sap." Bucky grumbled.

His idiot boyfriend kissed him on the head, "But doesn't that sound good, Buck."

"Sure Stevie." He replied because it was the truth and it was a lovely little idea that Steve had but unlike Steve, Bucky was not going to have any faith in his plan because his faith in the world was running a little low.

------

Bucky woke up what he called learned to call an empty head, he had dreamt of bright blue and white hot pain and when he woke up the only thing that ran through his head was his name and number. He would start pulling on his hair frustratedly, desperately willing for anything else to come out of his mouth or enter his brain but the only thing that he could even think or say was 'Sergeant James Buchanon Barnes, 32557038'.

The man beside him who had been holding on woke up and immediately let him go. Steve. Steve, not the man, it was his Steve who let him go and Bucky blew out sigh of relief that something other than a name and number ran through his mind.

Steve moved off the bed they were sharing, picked up the blanket Bucky had kicked off them in his fitful sleep and wrapped him in it which definately calmed Bucky down and helped slow his erratic breathing. The blanket was soft and warm and everything the metal table was not.

Bucky watched as Steve stood up in their small tent, going into the pockets of a navy blue coat. His navy blue coat. And Steve took out a cigeratte and a lighter which he lit up and took a drag from before handing it over to Bucky. For some reason Bucky's body trusted Steve before his mind had caught up so accepted the cigeratte immediately.

Wrapped in his blanket and smoking his cigeratte the taste of blood, burning and rubber slowly left him mouth at the same time the nausea began to settle. Bucky waited patiently for his mind to come back to him and Steve appeared to be doing the same thing.

-----

The foggy haze in Bucky's mind cleared and everything made sense again so Bucky finally relaxed and dropped his head into Steve's lap. This action appeared to relieve Steve as well because the next thing he knew, Bucky was recieving a sloppy kiss on the head and Steve started running his hand through his hair. Bucky was pretty sure that the action was soothing to the both of them by now.

"Bad day." Steve commented as if he were reporting on the weather.

Bucky frowned, "How many times have you had to do that Stevie?"

"A few." He replied which actually meant a lot, "But its okay because now I know how to help you out."

"I don't like having to be helped." He grumbled as Steve reached over and handed him another cigeratte.

"I never did either." Steve replied, "But we help each other because we always have each others backs till the end of the line, yeah?"

Bucky took the cigeratte out of Steve's hands, "Course Stevie but I'll shoot you in the head if you start smoking, its bad for ya lungs."

"Pretty sure they're fine now." Steve replied a small smile on his face as he put his hands back in Bucky's hair.

Bucky purposefully blew the smoke away from Steve's face, "Well lets not find out."

"Whatever you say Buck." Steve dismissed amusedly.

"Hey." Bucky complained, "No attitude Rogers, I'm all messed up at the moment, you're sposed to be nice ta me."

Steve chuckled and grabbed Bucky's face in his big warm hands then lent down so close their noses touched, squishing his cheeks teasingly, "You tryin ta make me soft, Barnes?"

Bucky licked Steve's nose, "You're already a sap."

"I know baby," He grinned, kissing him quickly on the lips before he went back to the hair stroking.

Bucky rolled his eyes, "Can't believe you almost called me that infront of the commandos, you punk."

"Shut up jerk."

-----

It was awful and sadistic, he knew it but Bucky could not help the grin that spread over his face when he shot down the last Hydra prick in his sightline. He always had a couple of minutes from taking the first batch out until the second batch came running out of the building with the rest of the Commandos. Those two minutes were always the worst because Bucky had no idea if some of the most important people in his life were still alive or not.

Finally Steve came barrelling out of the warehouse with his fancy shield and his stupid costume which was more black and red than blue now. He was running around, flinging his shield at people at random whilst he punched and kicked the rest. But Bucky had his six, watching out in the places Steve was not for people trying to kill Captain America. Of course he also kept an eye out for the other Commandos but Steve always attracted the most trouble and there was something oddly comforting about the fact that things liked that never changed.

The only time Bucky ever used Steve's shield was carrying it on his back when he was riding on the back of Steve's bike or as a fancy frisbee when the guys got bored during recon. Watching Steve fling it about as if it were an extension of his own body always entranced Bucky a bit because there was a bit of an art to it and it looked really hot. He always cursed himself for thinking that in the middle of battle but he could never help himself.

After they finished off the fifth and final Hydra base, Bucky dragged Steve away from everyone else for a bit and told him to keep the suit on. If they were celebrating, then Bucky wanted to do something special.

-----

"Remeber when I made you ride the Cyclone at Coney Island?" Bucky asked.

Steve gave him an annoyed smile, "Yeah and I threw up?"

Bucky looked down the ledge at the snowy train tracks meters below them, "This isn't payback is it?"

"Now why would I do that?" He smirked.

"We were right." Gabe cut in, looking up from the radio him and Morita had been working on, "Zola's on the train."

Even hearing his name sent chills down his spine and Bucky's smile immediately disspeared. They had had two days of smiling and cheering before Colonel Phillips sent word of a train carrying Zola near them. Knowing Zola was the one responsible for what happened to him, everyone immediately geared up and headed off. Bucky had never seen Steve so determined and the anger bubbling under his skin made Bucky certain that whoever came in his path would feel it.

Dernier produced the three hangars they had to carry them down onto the train and Bucky grabbed one immediately.

Steve glared at him, "You're the sniper Buck."

"Yeah me, Steve and Dernier were going to go in on this one." Gabe replied.

Bucky gripped the hangar tightly, "You can't snipe anyone if they're in a fucking metal train." He looked over at all of the Commandos and used his Sergeant voice, "I'm going."

Dernier held up his hands, "ça me va." (thats fine by me)

Bucky nodded at Dernier, "Good. I'm going and I'm watching Steve's six."

Nobody argued with him, technically he was their superior and he was absolutely using the tone of voice which made that clear so no one thought about disregarding him. There was a train with Zola in and Bucky could not let Steve go in without him because how the fuck was he going to protect the idiot otherwise. He had already broken his promise once and that was not happening again.

But apparently Captain America could not read a room, "Buck c'mon, its better if you-"

"No." He said sternly and Steve finally got the goddam message. Bucky poked Steve's chest firmly, "I have your six in there."

Steve sighed and gave a small nod, "Yeah sure."

"Better get going boys." Falsworth announced, "That train is moving like the devil."

Steve hooked up his hangar as he moaned about only having a ten second window or something but Bucky was barely listening as he tried to focus on trying to stay calm even though there was a majorly high probability that he would have to be face to face with Zola again soon. Seconds after Steve started flying down the wire, Bucky did the same and tried to focus soley on keeping Steve alive instead of anything else.

-----

He should have known not to pick up the damn shield but Steve was just lying there and he needed the attention of the blue light freak to not be on him for long enough to Steve to get his ass off the ground and out of the line of fire. Of course when he used that stupid shield, it sent him flying out of a fucking train and clinging onto it with everything left inside of him.

Seeing Steve climb out of the train, screaming for him to grab his hand was the worst part in it all because Bucky knew that this would break him. He knew he was going to die and part of him was grateful for it because there was no way he could have handled it if it were the other way around. Which is why he really did try and reach out for Steve, he tried as hard as possible and he was sure Steve was doing the exact same.

But he lost his grip and he fell and watching Steve's face shatter was the most terrifying part of that fall.

-----

Waking up from that fall was the first time he finally accepted that Zola had changed him, that the blue vials which terrified him to his core had actually done something to his body because Bucky had just fallen down a fucking ravine and was alive. That was his first thought.

His second thought was Steve, he remebered his devistated face and he tried to imagine how he was feeling right now but could not stomach it. Steve thought he was dead and he was lying at the bottom of a ravine dying slowly instead.

Then Bucky thought about the carpet of red he was lying on and realised it was his own blood. Initially he thought it was his head because his head definately ached but then Bucky saw the mangled bloody and bones that were part of his arm lying right infront of his face.

Bucky would have thrown up but he had been giving the majority of his rations to Steve because he knew the guy needed more food than normal people to stay functioning. Instead Bucky just let out a disgusting wretch which then turned into shuddered cries as the gravity of his situation finally became apparent.

Finally his last thought was that he really should not fall asleep because that would be dangerous and he thought that right before he went to sleep.

-----

When he heard the loud footsteps Bucky stupidly imagined that they were Steve's but before he even heard the German voices he really listened to the foosteps and realised that they were all wrong. By the time the Germans found him, there was nothing much Bucky could do when they dragged him through the snow. Most of his blood was in the snow and his heard felt like it was falling off his neck, staying awake required all the energy he had left. Apparently that was not enough as the black and blue of his unconscious found him pretty quick.

-----

The next time he was conscious, Bucky was strapped to a metal table again and he decided to never take comfort in a promise again because even though he loved Steve more than anything, he had promised that he would never be on a metal table again. He loved Steve so much but for a small second he was bitter that Bucky had let himself believe in his empty promise and then he cursed himself for being angry at Steve for something so out of his control.

The doctors were speaking in hurried German and pointing a lot to his arm... or the space where his arm was supposed to be. Bucky did not bother looking, he already had seen the mangled stump and had no interest in looking anymore weak and powerless.

After staring for a while a couple of the guys dressed in white lab coats cut away the leftover skin and stitched up what was left of his arm, leaving him with a clean amputation. Bucky knew a month in Azzano had made him scream so much that he permanently broke his voice and he wondered how much screaming he would have to do for it to stop working altogether. After having his arm cut and stitched without anything to take away the pain, Bucky figured it that he could only take so much more before his vocal cords snapped.

-----

The routine was different now but Bucky hated it just the same.

Instead of blue needles burning up his insides, it was a pitch black hole in the floor where they kept him for so long that he had no idea how long he had been there.

As soon as he was out they burned him and there was a familiarity to the of burning flesh, body spams so severe he broke his bones against the restraints and bit all the way through the rubber guards they shoved in his mouth to prevent him from biting his tounge off.

After that they left him alone, strapped on the table, with his broken bones and lingering screams silenced by the rubber guard still in his mouth. Then they shoved him with an IV and force fed him some liquid which he figured must be their replacement of food.

Then they started on the experiments and unlike the rest of the routine, it was always different and Bucky was embarrassed that he could not even remeber all of the things they had done. He remebered them checking how long he could stay under the water before he passed out, he remebered one where they snapped his fingers and timed how long they each took to heal and he remebered something about fire but the other times he had been in too much pain to fully recollect what had happened.

Once the experiment was finished they would leave him on the table again and one guy in a white coat would come in and point a gun at his head.

"Who are you?"

"Sergeant James Buchanon Barnes, 32557038."

Then he would take the gun away and Bucky would cry, begging for them to use it and each time they asked him the question Bucky forgot to say anything different in order to get a different result.

After he failed (Bucky had no idea when he started thinking of not getting shot was a failure but he did) they would throw him into the hole in the floor and the whole thing would start again. Bucky wanted to die, he wanted it to all be over because for all their efforts he was not breaking, he was still James Buchanon Barnes and Bucky was not sure why but he knew that that was not what they wanted.

-----

Bucky Barned lasted 5 months. 5 entire months of continual torture and all it took was a few words and he snapped in two.

He had been passed out in the pit they locked him up in when he heard laughing coming from above. Bucky could barely move but he heard them talking, laughing gleefully and amidst all the German he heard them say Captain America and anything left in Bucky just felt devistated. Completely torn up and ruined in ways the torture he had endured had never managed to succeed.

Minutes later, he was dragged up out of the black hole in the wall and strapped to the metal table. One of the doctors showed him a newspaper which confirmed the gut wrenching suspicions Bucky had ever since he heard Germans laughing about Captain America. Steve was dead, the bit of himself left was fucking gone.

Bucky started screaming, begging for them to get on with the torture because anything would be better that being stuck inside his own head.

-----

"Who are you?"

"Nothing without him." Bucky replied distantly, as tears streamed down his face.

The gun finally clicked and Bucky felt absolutely nothing when it turned out to be a blank. The worst thing that he could have possibly imagined already occured, what could they do to him now? Bucky was finally broken and he did not even care.

-----

The routine changed, but only slightly, This time they only burned his head with the electricity. They only burned his head.

-----

The person left behind sat in the black hole in the floor at stared at nothing blankly, he waited for pain to come and tried to remeber a time before it. He remebered things, sometimes a name and sometimes a number but the words felt funny on his tongue and meant nothing to his head. That did not stop him from muttering it to nothing in the dark.

The one thing the person was certain of was that he was missing something. He had no idea what it was but he found himself thinking or looking for something he wanted all the time even though there was nothing there.

-----

He was not sure when he started being able to understand so much of the German that the scientists spoke around him but he decided not to say anything about it. He liked knowing what was happening and chances were that if they knew he could understand, they would burn that out of him too.

According to the doctors they did not know what to do with him anymore. There was a man named Doctor Arnim Zola and every time he heard the name he flinched but he was not very sure why. Zola had given the doctors instructions on what to do to him but apparently they had succeeded and were confused about the next step.

One day after they had done an experiment involving putting knifes in him, the person overheard a doctor rushing in the room talking about getting something to work. They all sounded very relieved and he was pretty sure that that doctor had figured out his last step.

-----

The person was wheeled through the doors of the lab on the metal table into a room which was very cold. In the middle of the room was a massive looking chamber that appeared to be steaming it was so cold. The doctors dragged him off the table and threw him in the chamber.

He was cold, then he was freezing, for a moment he thought he was dying until blue and black started chasing him. If there was blue with his black then he was not dead, just paused or... this felt a little more like gone.

Not dead, just gone.

He did not know how to feel about that.

Chapter Text

Once he was taken out of the ice, he was strapped to the metal table and it did not matter how long he had been gone because nothing had changed. Things were more hazy than usual, it was harder for him to focus on faces, people or things and most of the voices just merged together into one big noise that he could not be bothered to listen to.

A fat man with large round spectacles got directly in his eyeline and given the uncomfortable shake his entire body experienced, he thought he might know him. The man introduced himself as Doctor Arnim Zola and then called him Sargent Barnes but when he said nothing back, Zola laughed. He spoke in German but he understood; Zola was very pleased that his plan had worked so well.

He tried to kill Zola after that, he was not sure why he did it but he did. Then he killed the first two men who tried to stop him. Afterwards he learnt to regret it.

-----

Once he was recovered from the punishment, they burned his mind away again. He could not remeber what they took away but it was probably something he was screaming about when he was punished because the doctors got very angry then.

His head still smelled like burning when they grabbed his what was left of his left arm and sawed it off. Leaving his shoulder completely bare and bleeding. He was screaming even though it was hurting his voice to do so, he had been screaming so much already but he could not stop. Every time they touched him, he reacted.

Even though he could barely see he was in so much pain, he noticed Zola brandishing a metal arm, he was not sure why but he hated it.

He found out why he hated it when they started attaching wires to his nerves and then he hated it even more when they soldered the metal onto his shoulder.

Things went blue and black a little bit after that, it was too much pain.

-----

When he woke up his right arm was tied behind his back so tightly he could not even move it. His lower half was still strapped to the table but the metal arm attached to his body was not restrained. He tried to move it and it did what his brain told it to do,

The arm snapped the neck of the doctor stood nearest to it.

His punishment was not as bad that time, he was supposed to use the new arm. He hated it.

-----

Things started getting hazy again and he was not sure what the day or the time was anymore. He was not sure he had known those things in a very long time.

They burned his head a lot, he knew that. He was certain that it was because he kept on remebering something but he was not sure what he remebered. He only knew that something was missing.

They also carried on hurting him but this time there were no experiments, they just hurt him when he did something wrong.

There was also training. He was not sure why but he knew he disliked the training the least. They kept his arm tied away and made him shoot and throw using the metal arm they gave him. If he did not shoot the targets perfectly they shot him instead but he was good at getting the middle of the target even though he was not using his real arm.

Burning and hurting stayed but training changed.

He started fighting people, sometimes he thought that he killed them but the doctors never told him off if he had, so he did not know. The fighting people changed to fighting people with guns and knifes and things got harder. He wanted to use his real arm but it was still tied behind his back.

Burning and hurting again.

They were suprised when he understood French and German but then hurt him when he did not know some others. An old lady with a cane that made him bleed shouted at him in other languages until he learned them.

Burn and hurt.

He was taught to hide, to disappear in an empty room and to never ever make a sound. If they heard him make a noise at all, even if it was breathing they hurt him. If he made a sound when he was hurting they hurt him even more. Sometimes learning to disappear made him almost die. This did not make them happy.

BURN AND HURT.

He got his real arm back and was suprised to learn that it was already as good as shooting and throwing at the targets as the other one. It was weaker when he had to do fighting but that was because it was not made out of metal and so was easier to break.

BURNING AND HURTING.

-----

He could hit the targets perfectly with any gun or knife with either arm but they still burned his mind after he did so.

He killed all the people easily, he did not even get damaged in the process but they burned his mind again when he was done.

He understood all the languages the old lady spoke to him in but wrote his replies down instead of speaking them because his voice was broken from all the shouting. The old lady broke his hand when he moved to use his real arm with the pen so he learnt to do it with the metal arm but his letters were messy and he hated them. They burned him when he was finished and he did not mind that one so much.

He stopped making any noise, even his breathing was silent and when they shot him with the guns he did not move or make a single noise. The only thing they could hear was the mechanic whirring of the metal arm which made him hate the thing even more because he was supposed to be completely silent. They burned his mind after but he whished they would burn the metal arm instead.

One day he was stood in a room silently when eight people all came in with guns and knifes, he very quickly made sure they were all dead but made sure not to make a single sound. When he was done Zola walked into the room clapping.

He announced to the room that the asset was complete. He figured that must be who he is; the asset.

-----

Zola put the asset back into the ice.

-----

The asset usually woke up in a different place to where it had been the last time but that information was not relevant.

Sometimes it was woken up from the ice to learn and train new things but the asset was a perfect weapon so the training short because it was perfect already.

Most of the time the asset was woken up and given a mission. The asset left the base and killed the targets it was given. Occasionally they would hurt the asset because it would be slower than it was supposed to in order to not kill any collateral. The asset was taught that lesson many times but it was bad at learning that one.

Every single time it was woken up the asset was sat down in the metal chair and its head was burned up until the faint memory of blonde hair and blue eyes dissapeared.

-----

The asset got to keep the memory of his sixth mission.

The targets were five men and two women who made up a family and had been double agents for HYDRA and the Americans. They had to be completely removed with no evidence of their deaths so that the Americans would not get anymore information on HYDRA.

The asset shot the first two when they were on a walk, it was hidden in a building a couple of miles away behind the scope of a sniper. The targets were shot in the head and fell into the river beneath them because the rocks would mess up their bodies enough that any evidence of a bullet hole in the head would be gone.

Next the asset took out one of the women when it brushed past her on a busy street and slipped untraceable poison into her coffee.

The asset noticed that the remaining two targets; a man and women were suspicious enough to have locked themselves into their apartment with their windows covered. So the asset made its way into the apartment, killed them both and simultaneously staged it as a murder suicide.

The asset was not burned after his mission so that it could always know what it was to be perfect. The perfect weapon that took out targets so discreetly that by the time people realised that its target dead, it was gone and there was never any evidence of it anywhere. Perfect. A weapon who destroyed with precision and stealth better than anyone else.

-----

The asset had a defect, either in training or in missions the asset thought it was missing something. It would look to its left or its right or behind for a few second to check if the thing it was missing was there. It never was and whenever the asset did it, they all got very mad and hurt him. But it was a defect and they could not stop the asset from doing it no matter how many times they burned up his head.

-----

One time the asset was in a mission in Korea, there was a war between America and the Soviet Union and something about being in the war was familiar to the asset. The asset disregarded this thought because it had killed a lot of people and that was why it was familiar, even though that felt like a lie.

The asset had to kill an American soldier but blame it on another, they had talked about 'internal frictions' and 'weakening' but the asset had ignored their talk, all it was supposed to do was the mission.

Its mission required the asset to blend in instead of hide which was unfortunate because the asset was much better at hiding because when blending it had to pretend to be a person. The asset was not a person, it was a weapon so it was much better at pretending to not exist at all than be something it was not. However the asset did not voice any of this because it was a weapon, it did not have opinions, only orders.

The asset spent a week under cover before it completed the mission and once its target was dead the asset stayed on and fought in the war in Korea. It did not say anything and the people around him thought it was a person who did not speak their language instead of a weapon. It was not bad.

The asset was uncertain how long he had been in the war in Korea but when they got him back they broke all of his body until all he could see was his own blood and bones. This meant they were very angry so the asset was sure he had been gone a long time.

They did not burn the asset as much as they usually did; they needed it to remeber the punishment for stepping out of line before they put it back into the ice.

-----

The next time the asset was taken out of the ice, it was told that it had to prove its loyalty to HYDRA and was not trusted on a mission. This confused the asset as it was a weapon and weapons were owned so it could not have loyalty, only orders. The asset told this to them and they punished it.

After its punishment, the asset was given to an old woman and was told that she was its handler. Handlers were people the asset had to listen to at all times. His handler was like other handlers the asset had had, they hit it a lot and spoke a lot of angry words.

Its handler told it that they were making more weapons but when she showed them to the asset, the asset only saw little girls. Its handler said that the girls had to be weapons almost as good as him and the asset said nothing because it knew that telling the handler that she had gotten girls not weapons was not good. Speaking out of turn to handlers got him almost dead.

The asset's handler told him to fight the little girls, the girls were supposed to kill him and the asset was supposed to break the girl's arms. They tried, he won.

Everyone else was forgettable, their faces blurred together in a mist like usual and the only thing that the asset recognised was the sharp words of its handler. Then there was a red girl who fought like fire and spoke with angry sparks that cut through the mist, and the asset could see her clearly.

Natalia was red and she was in the red room, training to be a weapon almost as good as the asset. It was a shame Natalia was an idiot. There was not a good Russian word for idiot so after it broke her arm it used the English one and called her an idiot.

Its handler hit it so hard that there was blood all over its face but the asset did not care, it was a weapon and it knew pain. Instead the asset stared at Natalia who looked very startled that it had insulted her. Then the asset was put back into the ice.

-----

For the asset it was only two weeks, its came in and out of the ice, taken to the red room by its old woman handler with her big hitting stick. Each time the asset fought the girls they got taller and stronger and their fights lasted a little longer but the asset always broke their arms in the end because that was its mission.

Natalia lasted the longest in fights with the asset which technically made her the best but the asset scowled and called her kofka which was the closest thing that Russian had to idiot.

One time when the asset arrived, Natalia was gone and the asset was pleased. For a moment it was worried that it was malfunctioning but then it was just an emotion and he hid it, just like he hid the memory of blonde hair and blue eyes.

Natalia had gotten out of the red room and the asset was glad because the girl had finally done something not so stupid.

-----

After that the asset was trusted again and sent out to kill more people. One time it hesitated when killing a target with bright red hair. They punished it but that was expected. After the asset was put into ice it waited to be told to kill again.

Which he was.

Again and again.

The asset was not sure when it happened or why but now when it went almost dead or it was put in the ice everything went black, blue and red. Blue for bright blue vials and red for too much blood. The asset knew what they were about but wished they burned those thoughts out of its mind instead of the memories of blonde hair and blue eyes.

-----

The asset was taken out of the ice again, it had a new handler called Alexander Pierce and was told to kill Nicholas Fury who was a level five threat. Level five meant they could put up a good fight. The asset had not fought in decades, it had only been killing through a sniper scope. Something within the asset wanted to punch something although it was pretty sure that it was not the target.

Nicholas Fury was stood behind a wall when the asset took the shots. The asset did not have a clear visual but the asset shot him three times so Nicholas Fury was ,at the very least, close to death. The asset did not have time to confirm the kill as someone decided to pursue it.

At first the asset was amused that someone thought they could simply catch it by running after it. The fact that the man had seen him was reason enough to have him dead but the asset rarely killed outside of his mission parameters.

Then the asset realised that the person after it was keeping up. This was disconcerting because no normal person was as fast as the asset. The asset sensed the man getting faster so it picked up the pace from a run to a sprint.

It was just about to make its escape when the asset felt something hurtling towards him. The asset tuned around and caught the metal disk with the metal arm. The impact made a loud sound and sent an uncomfortable sensation up the metal arm and down its spine.

The word frisbee popped up in the asset's head and he ignored it because its head was unreliable because it had been burned so many times.

Using its hearing, the asset noticed that his pursuer gasped which indicated that the asset should not have been able to catch the shield. With the pursuer still suprised the asset used that fact to its advantage and flung the shield so hard back at the man that he stumbled back.

This gave the asset time to escape off the roof and hide which was good because when he hid nobody could find him.

-----

When the asset gave its mission report to the handler apparently something very wrong happened because Pierce took out his gun and shot it in the chest.

Twice.

Then Pierce stood up and slapped the asset in the face but the asset stayed silent just like it had been taught.

"You are supposed to be a gift to humanity." He seethed, "Be better."

This did not make sense to the asset because the asset was already the perfect weapon.

As punishment they left the asset alone on the metal table as its body healed itself. They all smiled because they knew that the asset hated silence and being trapped alone in its own messed up head.

The asset tried to escape the metal keeping it bolted down onto the table even though it knew escape was impossible because it was something to do that would occupy its mind instead of focusing on the emptiness within that taunted it with the knowledge that it was forgetting something important.

-----

The asset had to have been out of the ice and trapped on the table for over a week because after Korea the longest it was allowed to stay awake was five days before they had to wipe it or put it back in the ice.

This was because after five days, things other than orders made their way into the asset's head and the longer the asset was out of the ice the clearer its mind got.

Still no one came and the asset stayed strapped on the table, his was face blank but his mind was screaming.

After the blonde hair and blue eyes that they could never burn out, the next thing that the asset remembered was hate. He hated HYRDA even though he was HYDRA's strongest fist he wanted them all dead.

Lying on that table, remembering the pain and burning and cutting and hurting and electrocuting and shooting and stabbing and breaking and... The asset started remebering HYDRA and he decided that the next scientist who got near him was going to die.

He wanted them all dead but the asset knew that he was a weapon that HYDRA owned and his malfunctions could be fixed so for now the asset would settle for as many he could kill before they burned his mind away again.

-----

Someone came in, they were carrying an IV and told him that it needed to be fed to stay alive.

The asset broke his neck.

Three more HYDRA came in and they were in all black and had guns trained on him but they were the bottom of the food chain and the asset was above the top. They were killed before they could take their guns off the safety and the asset was still strapped to the table.

The table beneath him started humming with electricity and the asset shoved the metal arm in his mouth and bit down in it because otherwise he would bite his tounge off. The asset knew a lot of pain was coming because it needed to be punished.

He fell into the black blue red quicker than usual and the asset figured it probably should have let the scientist feed him before breaking his neck because now the asset was weak.

-----

When the asset woke up he counted his injuries like it always did after being punished; its real arm was broken at the wrist and the collar, its right knee was out of its socket and its tounge was had been cut deep because it did not have a rubber guard but he was still functional.

The asset slammed his head back on the metal table in frustration.

It preferred the punishments to the silence of the metal table as his body slowly healed and it wanted to go back into the ice. Thoughts were coming into its brain in a way he barely recognised and it wanted it to stop.

The asset tried to remeber what had happened in his last mission and what he had done wrong to validate such punishment. All he remebered was shield, blonde hair and blue eyes and he decided the next time he saw that he would kill it.

Chapter Text

Tony really could not help himself, despite his curiousity having literally gotten him almost killed on multiple occasions he could not stop. There were whispers of Nicholas Fury, the head of SHEILD, being assassinated and Tony had to know who the hell could actually take out a guy as scary as Fury. It was definately him being paranoid but if this guy could easily take out Fury for seemingly no reason, Tony felt like a sitting duck for not figuring out who it was.

Despite having more money than he would ever know what to do with, no one said a single word about who killed Fury to him no matter how much money was offered. The intense secrecy led Tony to two conclusions; either everyone was actually clueless as to who had killed Fury or it was a big secret. Tony decided on the latter.

So he spent hours and hours with JARVIS, holed up in his lab using all of his brain power (which was something he rarely did these days with JARVIS to think for him) and tried to hack into SHIELD in order to find out what the hell was going on. It took him so long that Pepper actually burst into his lab at one point, worried he had died.

After that incident he was forced into going to sleep by Pepper and when he woke up with a fresh mind he attacked to problem from a different side. He had been working on it for an entire week and apparently all he had needed was a good nights sleep because by the end of the day he found what he was looking for.

The Winter Solider. It was a name. His name. Whoever this Winter soldier guy was, he had killed Fury.

The name had been written in code in Russian, tucked away in an encrypted chat between two high ranking members of SHIELD who, in the eyes in the law, did not actually exist. It was only a question, one of the agents asking the other whether it was possible for the Winter soldier to be responsible for Fury's death. The other agent had dismissed the question immediately and said no such man existed.

The conversation Tony had stumbled upon led him down another wormhole of questions because now Tony had to know who the hell this Winter Soldier was and why he was merely a myth that assassins told baby assassins to scare them into sleep.

-----

Tony had definately been awake for a few days, scouring HYDRA's mortifyingly ancient database for anything on the Winter Solider. However every single promise of information always turned out to be a vague title which when he tried to open the file he would be informed that it only existed on paper.

Refer to files. Refer to files. Refer to fucking files. Tony was going to blow up the first piece of goddam paper he found.

He had no idea why Nazis were determined to leave a paper trail and refused to upgrade any of their information online. Tony knew Nazis were messed up but this was... This was just insane.

"Sir," JARVIS announced, sending Tony jolting up out of his chair, "I have come across doctored footage under a footnote referring to an asset."

"Asset?" Tony questioned as he nursed a fresh cup of coffee one of his little bots had cooked up for him.

"I belive Sir," JARVIS explained, "That we found evidence two days ago that mentions of an asset are possibly linked to the Winter Soldier."

Tony clapped his hands, eagerly rubbing them together, "Right Jarvis, roll the tapes."

"Sir may I warn you that-"

Tony groaned, "Come on Jarvis, just get on with it."

-----

Despite the fact that Tony had been neglected by his parents for his entire childhood, among other things, watching the Winter Soldier murder them was surprisingly traumatic.

In fact Tony would go so far as to claim that the entire ordeal was extremely traumatic and would most definately haunt him till his last dying breath and the entire experience had fuelled him with a murderous rage with a one track mind focused on killing the fucking Winter Soldier.

-----

HYDRA had its claws deeply and firmly routed in SHEILD and under any other circumstances Tony would have done something about it or at the very least warned someone. But Tony was in a angry red state of mind so he zeroed in on the Winter Soldier and began scouring the HYDRA and SHEILD files for any mention of an asset. Now that he knew the Winter Soldier and the asset were the same thing, there was a lot more information available.

Searching for the asset was confusing because HYDRA definately had a weapon or two they called their asset as well. There were shipment files for an asset which came along with some type of contraption that carried a lot of electricity and some kind of chamber. It was confusing because Tony kept of loosing track of what he guessed to be some type of weapon they called their asset and something that had to be a person that they also called the asset.

There was a bank where a guy called Alexander Pierce had visited multiple times and on one occasion reported an asset malfunction on his exit nut judging from the vocab they used Tony was pretty sure this was the physical weapon asset and not the person murderer. However the bank was in New York and had been used recently which meant it was bound to have some of those paper files that HYDRA loved so damn much.

Tony immediately suited up and flew off. Sure he was trying to get the Winter Soldier but most of all he just wanted to punch something, especially anything that was vaguely affiliated to the person who had murdered his parents.

-----

There were two doctor science people in white lab coats and four soldiers dressed in black and Tony definately took out some of his anger out on them before he made his way into the temporary HYDRA base in the middle of New York.

When he walked into the room behind the bank he was expecting a bright white lab with a big shiny weapon in the middle, not the Winter Solider strapped to a table in a room that rotten dirty room coated with dried blood. Tony powered up his suit as soon as he caught sight of the metal arm and proceeded with extreme caution.

The guy in the room definately looked like a terrifying scary murderer, he had these cold lifeless dark blue eyes, a gaunt unshaven face and long black hair that fell down just past his ears and obscured most of his face.

The metal arm caught Tony's attention but then he cringed when he saw the body it was attached to because the section where the arm and metal joined at his shoulder was scarred thick and red and it looked as though the metal had been soldered onto his skin. The rest of the soldier's chest was on display and it looked just as bad.

Bulky muscles only enhanced the severity of the scars lining every inch of his body. From what Tony could tell, his flesh arm and entire chest were covered with a variety of scarring; big red angry lines, bullet wounds ranging in multiple sizes, neat incisions, lines that looked like stab wounds, dark red jagged lines that looked like scars you could get from lighting... scars from anything and everything...everywhere.

Tony very nearly felt bad for the solider until he remebered that the Winter Soldier was HYDRA's greatest assassin and had also killed his parents. He took a deep breath and told himself that the scars were all wounds coming from people who had tried to defend themselves against him and refused to let himself explore any other alternative explanations.

When Tony took another clumpy step forward in his big iron man boots he was relieved to find that the Soldier did not even react. He was layed out on the metal table which was stained red with blood and trapped down on it with heavy mental shackles on every part of his body. The mass murderer was staring up at the ceiling with his eyes open which was the only indication that he was even alive. The solider was deathly silent and Tony could not hear or even see anything which suggested that he even was breathing but his eyes were open and blinking.

Treading carefully because the only information Tony had on the Winter Soldier was that he was a deadly assassin who had killed a bunch of people, he made sure not to make any sudden moves as he pulled out a gun. Tony let himself enjoy the ego boost of being one of the only people to have found the ghost trail called the Winter Solider and hold him at gunpoint until he remebered who was lying infront of him and the confidence was gone.

Nevertheless Tony pushed onwards and raised his gun right up to the Soldier's head and the moment he had the gun aimed at his temple perfectly was the moment the soldier's gaze flicked down from the ceiling and directly into his soul. Tony stumbled back in fright but kept the gun trained on the soldier and quickly composed himself before he advanced.

Tony held the gun at the soldier's temple again and found out that his finger was shaking hesitantly on the trigger even though he knew he was getting the bad guy. He took a deep breath and was just about to do it when something hit the front of his gun.

Peeking open one of his eyes, Tony saw the Winter Solider pushing his head into the gun as if urging him to do it. It was awful and Tony was still ready to go through with killing him until he spoke.

"Nothing." Said a voice so raw and cracked, it sounded as if it had been broken again and again and it was painful to speak.

Then Tony made the mistake of looking down and he saw the Winter Solider looking up at him not with anger but confusion as if he were wondering why Tony had not killed him yet. Worst of all was that when Tony looked at his face he did not even see the Winter Solider, he saw this kid half his age looking lost, confused and scared and that terrified Tony because this man was supposed to be one of the most feared men in the world and instead he just looked like a kid who was begging to be killed.

Even though Tony was almost completely certain that this was the guy who had killed his parents, despite him looking like he was born in the wrong era for that to even be possible, Tony could not bring himself to kill the guy.

Instead Tony brought the gun back and flung it across the side of his face so hard that the soldier's entire body slumped. He had gotten the murderer and now he could lock him up until he figured out what the hell was going on or at least until he worked up the nerve to kill the bastard.

-----

After Loki, Tony had begun developments for the Stark tower to be turned into the Avengers tower but had only gotten two of the living quarters finished and that was only because those members of the Avengers were already living with him. Banner's place and Natasha and Clint's.

Clint and Natasha were mysteries and only appeared a few times a week inbetween going on missions. It was a spur of the moment type thing where Tony had just blurted about his plans for the Avengers tower and then Clint's face had shone like it was Christmas and the next day he was living on a floor of his choosing. Natasha came with because the super spies were all but married and apparently they even had a dog. They had been living in the tower for a good few months but Tony barely noticed a difference from when they used to just come to the tower for Avengers meetings.

Banner was almost as MIA as Natasha and Clint but unlike them Tony worried for him all the time. Bruce kept in touch, letting Tony know each time he crossed borders in whatever Asian or Eastern European country he was hiding out in as he tried to keep the bulk at bay but that was it. He had built Banner's floor first, desperate to create a place Bruce felt safe enough to stay in so he was not running around Asia all the time.

Banner had refused to believe that a big room on the 40th floor of the Avengers tower would be enough to keep Hulk contained but then one day he stubbed his toe really bad and had no other option to try it out. Once the room proved to actually stay in tact and keep the hulk inside, Banner started spending much more time in New York, to Tony's pleasure because loved having a fellow nerd to talk science with.

However as it happened, Banner had flown out to India for an unspecified amount of time to do doctor stuff and save lives which meant the room built to store the hulk was free and that was exactly where Tony shoved his passed out assassin he had kidnapped.

-----

Tony got some sleep as soon as the Winter Soldier was locked up because he had been awake for almost an entire week but he got JARVIS to keep an eye on him until he woke up. Tony sent a text to Pepper and recommended that she stay out in LA for another week and thankfully she agreed. Even though they were not together anymore, she was still his best friend and CEO of Stark industries so he wanted to keep her safe, just in case.

Upon waking up, Tony watched the Winter Soldier from the surveillance cameras he had set up in there upon Banner's request. The room had a huge bed whose frame was bolted into the ground and made out of an hulk proof, reinforced wood, a fifty million times glazed large window that looked out over New York and a bathroom with a fiddly door handle that Banner would only be able to open when he was person sized. It looked pretty desolate with an actual human in but then again Tony did not want to be accommodating to his parent's killer.

The Winter Solider was just sat infront of the window watching the world go by and as Tony rewound the tapes, he was suprised to find that except from the full room sweep the soldier did as soon as he woke up, he had barely moved. It was wierd and Tony realised that he had imprisoned a deadly assassin and had no idea what to do.

-----

"You're the new handler." The grating voice stated as soon as Tony entered.

Tony stopped in the doorway, "What is a handler?"

The asshole looked at him like he was stupid, "The one who controls the weapon."

"What weapon?" Tony retorted.

The Soldier pointed at himself, "This."

Did this guy seriously think of himself as a weapon? Did he even have a sense of self? Tony was regretting his stupid impulsive brain increasingly every second. Feeling the heavy stare of two dark blue eyes on him, Tony set down the clothes and food he had brought with him on the floor. It was only a couple of jumpers, some crackers and water so Tony managed to persuade himself that he was not being nice to the guy and was actually treating him like a normal prisoner.

"They're for you." Tony said awkwardly.

The Soldier gave him a slight nod before turning back to the window, "Who are you?"

"I don't have to tell you that." He replied bitterly.

The Soldier stayed unmoving and Tony thought he was going to reply but he stood waiting for half a minute before he felt like an idiot and left the room.

-----

"Jarvis scan the Winter Soldier and tell me as much as you can." Tony grumbled the next day as he watched the surveillance again.

All the Solider did was stare out the damn window, he had put on one of the jumpers which Tony was grateful for because it meant he did not have to stare at his horribly scarred skin. However he had all but glanced at the water and food before returning to sitting at the window.

"Initial scans show extensive injury, Sir." JARVIS replied after a minutes wait, "No matches on any recognition servers."

Tony hummed, "So he dying?"

"No sir," JARVIS told him dutifully, "It appears that the Winter Soldier may be in extensive amounts of pain."

Tony rolled his eyes, "Stop being dramatic Jarvis, he's sat there looking at the bloody sky like everything's peaches and cream."

JARVIS literally sighed at him "Sir, the Winter Soldier is starving, dehydrated, had a dislocated shoulder and knee, an ankle which has incorrectly healed and a severe concussion."

Tony waved his hands at JARVIS, "Well he looks fine to me and I'm not about to go and be nice to the murderer."

"Very well then, sir."

------

It had been four days since he captured the Winter Soldier and Tony was busy modelling out Thor's suite when something happened on the surveillence cam. Tony watched as the Winter Soldier finally got up off the floor, headed towards the collection of water bottles and crackers Tony had left him but half way there passed out onto the ground.

"Sir, I think he may be dying now."

"I get it Jarvis." He replied angrily as he ran towards the elevator.

-----

The Winter Soldier woke up half way through the full body scan that Tony had stuck him in in order to find out what was wrong with the guy. Tony could have sworn he gave the guy an overdose of knock-out meds so he had no clue why the Soldier was awake but thankfully instead of freaking out, the Solider stayed still. Apart from lifting his metal arm up to bite it between his teeth.

"What are you doing?" Tony asked, genuinely bewildered.

The soldier frowned slightly, "No rubber guard for the wipe."

"Wipe?" Tony questioned.

The soldier pointed to the cylindrical column which was passing over his head, "Handlers wipe the asset before and after missions."

A pit of dread filled up in Tony's stomach, "Explain to me what actually happens when they wipe you?"

The solider looked up at the cylinder above his head, "They burn out the thoughts and memories, to make sure the asset has maximum efficiency in missions."

Tony genuinely felt sick and he asked the question before he could stop himself, "Are they the ones who hurt you?"

"Who?" The Soldier asked blankly.

"HYDRA."

The Soldier looked up from the scanner and looked at Tony with that blank confusion which he had come to hate but then set his head back down and did not say a word. Tony did not know what to think about that.

-----

"We need to get a hold of the files about him." Tony muttered to JARVIS as he stared at the readings from the scanner, "I don't know what to do and I have a feeling that they're the only things which will help us."

The Winter Soldier had injuries that coincided with decades of abuse; the bone marrow growth on his bones indicated the multiple times his bones had been cracked straight down the middle. Some of the scarring ran so deep it was a wonder it was not clotting the soldier's blood. His stomach was basically broken because it looked as if it had not digested food in years. The metal arm had undoubtedly been soldered onto to his shoulder and looked as if the solder's real right arm had been cleanly sawed off at some point.

Worst of all was his brain. Tony had no idea what the hell a normal brain was supposed to look like and was probably the furthest away from a neurologist you could get but using JARVIS he got a basic idea. The Soldier's brain had been through extensive amount of electric shock which especially damaged his memory centres and there was a big flashy part of his brain that JARVIS lit up for Tony in order to inform him that meant that the Solder had a boatload of trauma.

Sure Tony needed to files to keep his prisoner alive but he also wanted to files to figure out what the hell had happened to him because with every day that passed the Winter Soldier was looking more and more like a torture victim than a heartless murderer.

-----

Just when Tony was about to go and collect all the files on the Winter Solider from the bank, he got an alert on his phone which informed him that Natasha and Steve were now fugitives? It was something to do with SHEILD and then Tony remebered that HYDRA was in SHEILD and he did not even spare a thought to the Soldier as he flew out of the tower to try and see what he could do to help his friends.

-----

Two days later Tony came back with no information on anything and no way in which to help Natasha and Steve. After checking the security footage and seeing a Soldier shaped lump in bed he fell asleep and was so exhausted he did not even remeber that he had never seen the Soldier near his bed in the entire time he had been locked up.

-----

"What the fuck!" Tony exclaimed when he walked into his mini prison the next morning.

The Winter Soldier was sat crossed legged in the middle of the floor surrounded by six different guns and an assortment of knifes. He was wearing black military combat boots and pants and a black jacket that had loads of different buckles and zips that reminded him a bit of a straightjacket apart from there was no sleeve for his metal arm. The Winder Soldier was also drenched in blood.

He looked up at Tony and spat out some of the blood in his mouth, looking up at Tony defiantley, "You are a shit handler, you made me free so I kill your men. At least the rest knew how to keep a weapon working and contained."

Tony struggled to find the right words or emotions to even convey how he was feeling but eventually he just burst out with, "What do you mean you killed my men?"

"HYDRA." He replied coldly, "I killed all of them in the base which you let me see from the window."

Tony took a step towards the window, forgetting he was completely unarmed and getting nearer to the currently geared up assassin who he thought he had been keeping prisoner for the last week. "There was HYDRA in New York, an entire base of them?"

The Winter Soldier scoffed, "A very shit handler."

"Look kid!" Tony ran a stressed hand through his hair, "I'm not your fuckin handler, I just tried to kill you and couldn't stomach it so locked you up...or at least I though I did."

The Winter Soldier pointed to a box of files, "Thats what you wanted."

"What?"

"The files on me from the bank." He elaborated, "There they are."

Tony looked from the files to the soldiers, utterly astonished, "H- How did you even?"

The Solider pointed at the roof, "There is your lab and I can hear you. I hear when you leave and I do your mission." Then he pointed at himself, "Perfect weapon."

Tony scowled, "Shut up kid."

The Winter Soldier nodded obediently and closed his mouth tightly which made Tony slightly confused because only moments ago the kid had been calling him shit and sneering at him. Handler. Orders. Weapon. Tony's mind whirred.

"Wait do you still think I'm your handler?" He questioned, "Are you going to do anything I say?"

The Soldier gave a wary nod as if he were unsure if he was supposed to respond.

Tony sighed, "I hate you, I hate you so much but I'm not HYDRA and I'm not your handler."

"Why did you want to hurt me then?" The Soldier pushed.

Tony shook his head, "I wanted to kill you, not torture you into my own mini murder slave."

The Soldier ran his hands over the guns sprawled out infront of him and then threw a pistol at Tony, "Use that one then, the bullet can go all the way through bone."

Tony dropped the gun, "I'm not going to kill you! Not anymore! I can't!" He waved his hands down at the bloody assassin sat on the floor, "You don't even know your a fucking person!"

"I was a person." The Soldier defensively, "I'm not stupid, I know I was a person and then they broke me and now I'm a weapon and I work perfectly."

Tony just slumped down on the floor, exhausted by the severity of the conversation, "Do you remeber who you were?"

The Solider ignored his question and inspected one of his knives, "Am I still your prisoner or can I go and kill more HYDRA?"

"I'm not your handler." Tony insisted.

"But I am your prisoner." He replied, "I am a prisoner and I can do your mission for you and get you all the files on the Winter Soldier that exist."

Tony looked at the kid who had to be in his literal mid-twenties and had been tortured so intensely he did not believe he was a person anymore. HYDRA had taken his entire identity, moulded him into a weapon and did it by torture and the kid was still alive and fighting. If he did not hate the guy for killing his family than Tony figured he might be crying in admiration because the whole thing was so overwhelming.

"Not yet kid." He told him sincerely, "Maybe later though."

The Winter Soldier pouted like a moody teenager and flung one of his knifes into the wall, "Okay."

"Okay." And Tony had to get up on shaky legs and leave the room to process what the hell had just happened but he made sure to pick up the files on his way out.

Chapter Text

After he read the files, Tony threw up into his toilet and even cried a little because there were fucking photos. From the few files he had been given by the Winter Soldier himself, the kid had been routinely brainwashed with an electric voltage so high that it would have killed Tony if he touched it for a second. The files were a report of his most recent mission which was killing Nicholas Fury and all it focused on was the asset's malfunction.

There was no specificity to what exactly the Solider had done which they considered a malfunction but whatever it was they literally shot him. They shot him and left him in isolation bleeding out and starving for a week because he malfunctioned. It was barbaric.

In the files there was also the answer to Tony's main question of the Soldier's age and it was explained by something they called 'cryo'. Basically they froze him in a chamber using dry ice and then just took him out whenever they wanted someone dead. Tony had no clue when the Solider had been born but given he had looked pretty similar in the grainy video where he killed his parents, Tony was sure that he could have been born before him.

Once he was finished looking at the files, Tony checked surveillance and saw that the Soldier had not only changed out of his bloodied fighting gear but had tidied up all his guns and knifes so that Tony now had no idea where about in the room they were all stored. The Solider was sitting and looking out the window again and Tony decided there was no better time than the present.

-----

"You need to eat or you'll die." Tony announced as he walked into the room that was feeling less like a secure prison and more like the Soldier's bedroom.

The Soldier pointed to a huge tub of white powder, "Thats what they fed me. One cup mixed with water, sometimes through IV and sometimes down my throat."

"You can drink it?" Tony asked.

The Soldier shrugged, "They forced it down but I think I could drink it."

Tony swallowed the bile in his throat, "Do you have a name I can call you? I don't like referring to you as the Winter Soldier in my head."

"That is a name given by my enemies." He replied, "The others call me the asset."

Tony shook his head, "Do you have a proper name? I won't call you the asset."

"I call me the asset." He replied plainly, "Its the only name I know anymore."

Tony sighed, and tried to follow the soldier's eyeline but it did not give him any indication of where he was looking at and decided to be honest, "I don't know what to do anymore. I wanted to kill you because you killed my parents but when I saw you I couldn't because you looked like a kid who wanted to die and now I can't because I don't think you even knew what you were doing or if you did, you definately had no choice."

There was a long silence and Tony watched as the Winter Soldier pulled his knees up to his chest and rested his head atop them and Tony was once again struck with how young this kid was. It was horrendous and Tony realised that he was not even sure he hated the Soldier anymore. In fact he wanted to blame HYDRA and the people who broke the Soldier for his parents death more than he wanted to blame the kid infront of him.

"I'm not broken." He whispered as though he was convince to tell himself of that fact.

Tony's heart broke a little, "No you're not. You survived what they did to you and you are still fighting. Thats strong."

The Soldier sighed and turned his head slightly and looked at Tony sincerely, "I don't mind what you do to me, I'm just a weapon and I'll follow your orders. If you want to kill me thats okay as well, its a good strategy. Safe."

"No." Tony insisted again, "I just, I don't know how to help you."

The Soldier shook his head, "I help you. I do missions."

Tony ran another hand through his hair because it was upsettingly infuriating that the Solider could not grasp simple human concepts. "Okay." He relented.

"What?"

"I'll let you run around killing HYDRA bases because given everything they've put you through it makes sense that you'd want to do that." Tony explained, "But on one condition."

"Yeah?"

Tony pointed at the bed, "You take care of yourself, you eat your powder, you wash and clean and you sleep."

The Soldier blanched, "I don't remeber how."

"You'll figure it out." Tony told him because helping the Soldier learn how to shower was something that Tony knew would break the little faith he had left in humanity and he could not bear to have to cry infront of the Soldier. It was entirely selfish but he did not care.

The Soldier nodded, "Mission understood."

"Erm good." Tony replied and then he walked out of the prison cell and did not bother even locking it up because it would not make any difference anyway.

-----

JARVIS alerted Tony every time the Soldier took care of himself, he went to sleep at night on the floor under a think blanket and woke up screaming and shaking but he got a hold of himself then showered and even brushed his teeth. Then he watched out the window until the sun came out and then drank his food powder thing.

Tony had considered trying to figure out a dietary plan for the Soldier so he could eat something but when Tony looked at the scans of his stomach again he felt ill and had no idea where to even start. So for now Tony tried to pretend that drinking white powder every other day was healthy.

The routine lasted three days and then JARVIS alerted Tony that the Soldier had left but Tony had been expecting that, they made a deal and the Solider had complied.

So while the Soldier was gone, Tony watched bad tv, ate bad food and tried to process his feelings whilst simultaneously whishing he never looked at those photos in the files that the Soldier had handed over to him.

-----

Clint was back for a couple a days before he left to help Natasha with something since she was still in hiding from the American government. Apparently her and Steve and their new friend called Sam were busy trying take down SHEILD. For that reason Pepper was staying out of the way in LA while Tony and Clint ate trash food on the sofa in the communal living room on the top floor of the avengers tower.

It was that exact moment when JARVIS let off a small chime which let him know that the Solider was taking care of himself which also meant that he was back. The Soldier had been gone for an entire week and Tony was jumping out of the couch so eagerly that he forgot about Clint.

"What's tha alarm for then?" He asked casually.

Tony tapped his glowing heart, "I need to tinker with something."

Clint raised an eyebrow, "You know Tony when you lie you get pretty vague."

"Shut up Clint." He dismissed, "I'll be back in a bit."

"You better!" He called out.

-----

The second Tony stepped foot into the room he heard the click of a gun and immediately put his hands up in surrender. He heard the safety go back on the gun and the Soldier stepped out from behind him. The Winter Soldier was still dressed completely in his combat attire and he even had a black muzzle attacked to the lower half of his face and goggles pulled up on top of his head. He looked oddly causal sipping his cup of water food with his big metal arm as he spun a gun around in his right hand.

"Sorry for barging in." Tony sighed, "I just heard you were back and wanted to check if you're okay."

The soldier glanced up at him, "Mission report?"

Tony shrugged, "Sure."

The soldier kicked a box with one of his combat boots, "There's your files."

"Cool." He replied plainly, "Thanks."

The Soldier stated at him for a few long second before he pulled off the muzzle to reveal a confused frown, "I didn't give you the mission report."

"Oh, do you want to?" He asked.

The Soldier stepped towards him, "What will happen if I don't?"

"Nothing." Tony answered, "I only agreed because you offered."

The Soldier took another step forwards, "You are a shit handler."

"Good thing I'm not one."

"I killed fourty three people." The Soldier replied bluntly.

Tony gulped, "On this mission? Were they all HYDRA?"

"Yes."

Letting out a sigh of relief, Tony's shoulders dropped, "Thats good to know."

"I used to get punished for not killing bystanders." The Soldier told him plainly as he started undoing his combat boots, "They couldn't burn it out of me though."

Tony had no idea what the hell he could even say to that so he did not bother. Although he was accommodating the Solider and he definately maintained a small degree of control over the guy, he could not bring himself to comfort the guy who killed his parents. He did not mind looking out for him but he was not about to get touchy feely with the world's best assassin.

"Where did you go?" Tony asked, just to break the silence.

The Soldier's head snapped up, "You said I didn't have to give you a mission report."

"You don't." Tony immediately replied, "I was just asking, you don't have to reply. Just do what you want to."

Clearly something he said set the Soldier off because he tightly closed his eyes, shaking his head as he pulled at his hair and muttering something under his breath. Tony took a step back, he did not want to be in a room with an unstable murderer without his armour.

"Mission report, the targets were eliminated, information extracted, the asset remains 80% operational and..." The Soldier continued on with his report but slipped into Russian as he stared at the floor blankly.

Tony just left. It was an awful thing to do but he did not know how to help and he did not want to make it worse.

-----

The next day JARVIS alerted him that the Soldier had left and when Tony went to check his room, Tony found a note from the Soldier which said that he was going to a couple of HYDRA bases in Italy so would be gone for a while. He assured Tony that the asset would not be destroyed and would be returned to him within a month. Tony threw up when he realised that the Soldier was talking about himself as if he were an object.

-----

After the aftermath of project Insight, Natasha went into hiding for a while since her alias was made public whilst Steve arrived at the Avengers tower and took up Tony's offer on living in his own suite with the other Avengers. It was a bit surprising since Tony had gotten the idea that the Cap was settled in Washington but apparently not.

With Banner and Pepper back as well, Tony's movie nights with Clint became a group activity where everyone gorged on unhealthy food and watched bad movies. Tony kept on sneaking glances at Rogers when particularly funny bits of movies came up on screen just to check if he could even smile any more.

Ever since he woke up from the ice, everyone in the Avengers had felt the wall that Steve had up and it concerned him that it had been almost three years later and things still had not changed. Sure Steve joked with everyone now and again, and he smiled sometimes and he was always ready to give Tony shit about a decision he made. But it just felt like part of the guy was a million miles away and no one was getting to see the real him.

-----

Tony was half asleep when JARVIS pinged his tiny alarm to alert him of the Soldier's arrival. It had been a month and a half since the last time he saw him and Tony clambered out of bed hurriedly in order to check in on him.

"There are more people living here." The Soldier stated with a gun pointed at Tony's head upon his entrance.

Tony smiled nonchalontly, "Yeah this is the Avengers tower, so they all live here from time to time...or thats the plan anyway"

"One of them is on this floor." He stated.

Tony shurgged, "Yeah Banner will stay well away from here unless he needs to use it but apparently its been months since his last hulk out so I think its okay."

Something metallic buzzed and lit up for a split second and the Solder let out the quietest grunt of pain that Tony had ever heard but if the Soldier was making real noise of pain then he knew it had to be bad. He had read all about the Soldier's high pain tolerance in those fucked up files.

"Whats wrong?" Tony asked.

"The asset is fully operational." The solider replied.

Tony rolled his eyes, "Whats the malfunction?"

There was a long silence before the Solder admitted, "The metal arm, its trying to kill me."

"What?" Tony exclaimed.

The Soldier held out its metal arm and revealled a small opening, "They put something in there to kill me if I went rogue again and I managed to dial it down but I can't stop-"

The Soldier was cut off by his arm sparking and Tony heard the hum of electricity that must have coursed through the Soldier's entire body. It was awful, they had put failsafe's in to kill him in his own body and Tony hated how HYDRA's inhumane ways did not even surprise him anymore.

"Will you let me fix this?" He asked.

"No lying down." The Soldier stated firmly, "No doctors and no medical."

Tony nodded, "I can do that."

So Tony got JARVIS to turn the lights on and he brought down one of his best tool boxes from his lab and took it into the Soldier's room. He got the Soldier to sit on the floor and stated fiddling around with pieces of complicated machinery, just hoping that he found what was killing him soon. Tony noticed that the Solider was shaking and he was certain that it was because someone was 'fixing' him rather than because of the volts of electricity his arm kept on zapping him with.

An hour later and Tony finally got the wire out but as soon as he did the Solider got up and huddled away in the corner of the room. Tony understood the reaction and took the boxes of files the Soldier had gotten for him on his way out.

-----

"Whats that you working on Stark?" Steve asked as he peered over the table to get a good look at his tablet.

"An arm." He replied absentmindedly.

Banner raised his brows curiously, "Stark industries expanding into prosthetics?"

Tony snorted, "No way."

"So whats the arm for then." Clint pestered.

"Its not for anything really, its all just theoretical for a...erm a- friend?"

The entire table fell silent and Tony looked up from his tablet, noticing everyone's suprised and amused expressions he glared at them all. He knew that they were all thinking that he had no friends outside the avengers and they would be correct. The soldier was most definately not his friend but he could not exactly tell them all he was working on a metal arm for an ex brainwashed assassin who got him mixed up with his handler because he tried to kill him for killing his parents. Friend was easier.

"So do we get to meet this friend any time Tony?" Pepper added smugly into what had been a lovely team dinner.

"No." He replied grumpily.

Clint grinned, "You sure your one armed bandit is real?"

"Very much so." Tony grumbled.

Banner smiled, "So when do we get to meet them?"

"You don't." Tony replied sternly, "He doesn't like people very much, or at least I think he doesn't like people."

"Wow." Steve commented dryly, "Sounds like you two are close."

Tony folded his arms crossly, "He's a...well he's." As far as he knew the soldier was a extreme torture victim who had been brainwashed into becoming an assassin and Tony tried to think of a word which would describe that loosely. "He's a POW."

The stray giggles and smiles vanished and Tony did not miss the way that Steve tensed up beside him. Pepper, bless her heart, was the first one to think of something to say, "You didn't mention you were working with Vets Tony."

He was not and he could not, the entire Avengers team had been watching when he had a minor breakdown at the concept of visiting a Vet centre with Steve when his company and therefore his weapons had most likely been the thing which killed their friends. Luckily they had all been very understanding but the subject was tactfully avoided. Until now.

"I'm not." He answered shiftily, "Its a long story but I catch up with the guy every now and again and I'm just fiddling around with an idea, nothing more."

Banner nodded, picking up his fork again, "Okay."

The clatter of eating started up again and Tony internally cursed himself for neglecting to listen to Pepper when she said to not bring work to the dinner table. It was not as if he had even given anything about the Winter Soldier away to his friends but he felt uncomfortably exposed now he had made up some lie about him in an attempt to explain himself.

The Capsicle beside him finally de-tensed his soldiers then glanced at Tony briefly before shooting up out of the chair and rushing over to the private elevator which took the Avengers to their specific floors. Tony glanced over to everyone else but they looked as confused as him.

"Okay then." Clint said over exaggeratedly before he went back to wolfing down his food.

Pepper layed a gentle hand on his own, "I'm proud of you Tony." She grinned, "Its about time you got a friend that wasn't a crazy superhero."

Tony fought back a bitter laugh, "Trust me Pepper, he isn't exactly sunshine and daisies."

"Sounds like your fond of him already."

And Tony had no idea what the hell to say to that because it really did sound like he was fond of the dick and there was no way he even liked the guy. They had had like two conversations which were painfully depressing for Tony and made him feel physically ill. Sure he did not want to kill the Soldier anymore, but that was because he felt bad for the guy not because he liked him. Right?

-----

There were half way through their ice cream sandwich desserts when Steve came back, he was slightly flustered and was carrying five boxes of cigerattes and a pink fluffy blanket. A huge pink fluffy blanket that looked softer than candy floss and Steve looked like he was drowning in it and that was saying something because Steve was build like a log.

"You should give these to your friend." Steve insisted once he had walked over to Tony, "They'll help if he's a POW."

Tony was really trying his best to not laugh because Steve looked so damn sincere but this was ridiculous, "Sorry but what?"

"Just trust me my-" Steve's hurried bordering on manic speech ground to a hold and he stared at the floor with a blank expression as he continued, "My best friend was a POW and." He looked down at his the objects in his hands and frowned, "This is stupid."

Everyone on the table looked suitably surprised because Steve was always so assured of himself, talking confidently and at length about things that usually turned into a lecture. It was smiles and pats on the back or frowns and slaps on the wrist. Not insecure mutterings and sad lost faces.

Steve Rogers was young, when he was pulled out of the ice he was barely even drinking age and he had just been at war for three years. World war II no less and everyone had heard some version of his story because he was fucking Captain America and that guy was American legend. The nation's hero.

But he was just a kid another lost broken kid and Tony was reminded of the Soldier and his the way he lost his youth to violence and death as well. This guy standing before them with blankets and cigerattes seemed like the most honest Steve had been with them all since he woke up.

"Its not stupid." Banner assured before Tony had the chance to, "I'm sure Tony's friend will appreciate the sentiment."

Steve set them down on the kitchen countertop before taking his place back at the dinner table, "Sorry I just- you mentioned POW and I couldn't get Bucky out of my head and I had to do something- no I just wanted to do something."

Tony clapped a hand on Steve's shoulder, "Thanks Cap, I'm sure he'll like them."

Clint tentatively set down his ice cream sandwich, "Wait are you talking about Bucky Barnes? As in the Sergeant James Barnes?"

And of course Steve gave a cautious and confused nod of affirmation because the guy forgot he was a famous national icon more times than he remebered he was. Clint jaw's dropped in a chid like wonder that looked misplaced on the professional and deadly spy.

"I mean your cool and all Cap but Barnes was my fucking hero when I was a kid. Its so crazy to be reminded that he was a normal person with struggles too, you know?" Clint explained.

Steve smiled so brightly the entire room lit up, "He was my hero too."

Nodding encouragingly Clint continued on with a conversation that revealled a side of Steve that Tony barely recognised but whished he did, "I dressed up as him every year for Halloween. Everyone thought it was hilarious that the little kid with the bow and arrow from the circus looked up to the best marksmen documented in American history."

"No way." Steve grinned disbelievingly.

Clint laughed before adding, "I swear I'm not lying, I mean Barnes is still the coolest guy there ever was in my opinion. He literally lead a troop of mixed ability and race soldiers in the fourties, treated them all as equals at nineteen! Everyone loves..."

Usually nothing could stop Clint from over enthusiastically talking once he got started so when they saw him trail off and the frown on his face, everyone followed Clint's gaze and there was Steve. Steve Rogers staring at the table as if it were the most interesting object on earth as tears filled up in his eyes and Tony could see the determination in his expression which was keeping it all in. The fact that that was the first time Steve had even mentioned Barnes should have been a good enough indication of the delicacy of the topic. Tony felt like kicking himself.

"Thanks for dinner." Steve mumbled and then he was out of a room so quickly it could have only been accomplished by someone with enhanced abilities.

"Shit, sometimes I forget its only been a few years for the kid." Clint sighed.

Banner stared down at the phone in his hands, a sombre expression on his face, "There were so young."

"Huh?" Pepper asked mildly.

Banner turned his phone around to show Pepper and subsequently Tony what he had been looking at on his screen. It turned out to be a picture of Steve and Barnes from the war, it was probably a still of one of the documentaries that had been made of 'Captain America' and his Howling Commandos for some Propaganda bullshit.

There was Steve with a lopsided grin that Tony had never seen before as he stared down at the other man in the photograph with nothing short of affection. Sergeant James Barnes was glaring directly at the camera (he never liked the propaganda, his brain helpfully supplied) and he looked as handsome as Steve, which was saying something.

Tousled hair that looked like it was just naturally always perfect and a sharp cutting jawline, coated in the thinnest layer of stubble. He had these eyes that emphasised just how young he was but at the same time revealled something deeper... As if the young man had already seen the worst humanity had to offer and Tony was certain he had seen that look before.

He had.

Oh Shit.

OH HOLY FUCKING SHIT.

Chapter Text

It was only after he burst into the room that Tony realised he had seriously misjudged Barnes in terms of how severely his trauma had affected his ability to do cool spy shit. He had most definately hacked into his surveillance cams in the room since when JARVIS told Tony that Barnes had gone to sleep, he had seen a lump in a bed, not this.

Barnes was curled up in the bathtub with the bedsheet draped over his body and that was not even the worst part. The worst part was the screams, the hollow wrecked broken shouts of a man who had known nothing but pain. He was shaking all over, there were tears streaking down his face and Barnes was trapped in his own mind.

Tony's initial impulse was to sprint over to the bathroom and wake Barnes up but then he remebered the lengths the guy had gone to in order to keep this hidden from him. But Tony had done a lot of research on prisoners of war and torture victims so knew he had to leave him to wake up himself.

He was not sure when the change in his mind had finally clicked but the only people Tony associated with the murder of his parents was HYDRA. Barnes was a victim, a terrible victim who had done some messed up things under extreme duress and brainwashing. There was a link between the two statements but Tony found himself caring about it less and less. It was wierd to think he had been so set on putting a bullet in the guy's head not so long ago because now Tony just wanted to...help. He wanted to Help and, for the love of god, he had no fucking idea why (but the Soldier turning out to be Barnes certainly helped).

-----

The next day Tony arrived at Barnes' room with presents in hand. He knocked on the door and a slightly dazed looking Barnes with messy hair wearing an oversized pink t-shirt that Tony had never seen before and way too tight boxers that he recognised as his Bruce's. He wanted to ask where the hell he had gotten the clothes from or how but then he remebered ghost story assassin who was so good and so invisible that most of the government did not even believe in the guy. He also wanted to know if Barnes actually liked pink and if Steve had been remebering that when he bought the huge fluffy blanket that was in one of his hands.

Barnes definately sized him up, eyes briefly checking his entire body for something or another and it left Tony feeling suprisingly naked. Afterwards Barnes just walked back into the room but not before opening the door slightly wider and Tony took that as the nicest invitation into the room that he was going to get. Barnes rubbed his face, seeming exhausted and was muttering what Tony thought was Russian under his breath as he sat down on the floor with his back resting against the glass window as he looked at Tony expectantly.

"I brought presents." He told the ex-brainwashed assassin.

Barnes frowned, "Ради кого?" Then he realised that he was speaking the wrong language before Tony plucked up the courage to tell him. It was heard breaking to see how ashamed he looked at his own confusion. "Who are they for?" He repeated but this time in English.

Tony winced, Barnes' voice sounded more horse and gravelly than usual but replied anyway, "You."

"Me." He repeated, sounding detached and as if he did not understand the concept.

Tony held out the presents actually from himself first, "I got you a water bottle for your wierd food powder because you've been drinking it out of a gross metal mug." Then he held out a lighter, "And this comes with the other stuff."

Barnes was staring intensely at the water bottle that Tony had put on top of the plastic container containing a white power from which he got his nutrition but luckily he was still paying attention, "Other stuff?"

"Yeah technically they aren't from me," Tony explained. "I told a few of my friends that I was helping out a Prisoner of war as an exuse because they were asking too many questions and one of them told me to give these to you. Thats it."

He stared for a long time and it was definately an angry stare but then Barnes shifted his gaze slightly away from him and Tony took that as a sign to continue.

"He got you this huge blanket and I don't know why." Tony said "And he got you five packs of cigerattes and I also don't know why."

Barnes reeled back, his whole body pushing against the window as it tensed up and Tony was not sure if he was remebering something, having a panic attack, was scared or something else. It took a few minutes but Barnes managed to calm himself and once he had, he stood up rising to full height and despite being in little boxers and a hot pink top the sight was pretty intimidating, especially when he was striding towards Tony. Then he just grabbed a box of cigerattes and lighter from his hands amd sat back down against the window.

"Gets rid of the taste." He wispered and Tony was not sure if that was meant for him to hear or not.

"What?"

Barnes looked up at Tony then pointed at the box of smoked, "They get rid of the taste of blood, mud, ash." And that sounded like something straight out of a World War II history book until, upon afterthought Barnes added, "And rubber."

Rubber. Rubber guards they shoved in his mouth whilst they were burning his brain away, Tony did not need to ask, he had seen the photos. So instead he just meekly nodded and wondered since when was someone able to reduce him to kind acts and careful words when he was typically the complete opposite.

"Are you going to leave again?" Tony blurted out before he could stop himself.

Barnes glanced out of the window, "Four days. Then Siberia."

"Russia!" Tony exclaimed, "Please don't tell me your going to try and take down the KGB or something."

A solemn expression overcame Barnes' face and it was pretty clear that he whished he could do just that. Instead he popped a cigeratte into his mouth, "No, I was kept in most of the bases there. They have to go."

"How long?"

"I'll be back in two months or dead." He replied curtly.

Tony rolled his eyes, "Great."

Barnes looked at Tony in the eyes for the second time in the longest conversation they had ever had. Sometimes Tony felt bad for even making Barnes talk to him, his voice sounded so broken and ragged and he just hoped speaking was not as painful as it sounded.

But his accent did intrigue him, simply because there was none. Tony knew he had spent the most part of 70 years in Russia, owned by their section of HYDRA but his voice was simply blank and devoid of any accent all together. Not even a hint of the typical Brooklyn drawl that he heard in Steve all the time.

"Anything else?" He asked.

Tony scratched the back of his neck awkardly, "Do you know your name?"

Barnes' face darkened, "The asset."

"Your name before that?" He corrected, "Your name before HYDRA?"

"Yes."

Then the next thing he knew Tony was being strongly suggested to leave the room and he has so many questions that he did as he was told very easily. It occured to Tony when he was outside in the corridor that Barnes was supposed to have been his prisoner and now that could not have been further from the truth. But instead of being annoyed, Tony was relieved, because it meant that Barnes had still managed to retain some autocracy and independency, it meant that seventy years of torture and brainwashing had not completely broken him.

-----

"Your hiding something."

Tony threw all of the files from on his table onto the floor, then he looked up at Banner sheepishly. The man had gotten an impressive tan from his months being a doctor in India but he still had this tense frown in his face that all the assurance and insistence in the world could not remove because Banner would always be his own worse enemy and his hatrid of the Hulk would therefore always hold him back.

Tony sighed, adjusting his glasses, "I'm not even going to bother lying about that."

Banner's frown deepened, " I just came to tell you that if you want to have a secret smoke every now and again don't do it in my suite please."

Then Banner stormed out and Tony seriously hoped he was not as angry as his heaving stomps would indicate. It had been two days since Tony had given Barnes the packs of cigerattes and from the security footage he still checked up on, Barnes was a heavy smoker.

Tony turned on a couple of extra air filter inside and out of Barnes' room and asked JARVIS to suggest that Barnes takes a break from the cigerattes or move outside because he did not fancy loosing his life during that conversation.

Barnes left a day early and with a nice note saying he was going to kill JARVIS if he ever came in his room again and Tony had no clue if that was a spy thing about AI having access to his room or if it was a being from the fourties thing and he did not understand that JARVIS was not a real, killable person.

-----

"What are you hiding?"

Tony swiped away a couple of the holographs he had up because they were the current schematics from Barnes' arm that he had gotten when he fixed the thing from killing him. Ever since Tony had been a little paranoid that the arm might blow up the Avengers tower or still be causing Barnes pain.

"Romanov." He greeted, "Nice to see you back on American soil, well done on taking down HYDRA in SHIELD and exposing all their secrets to the entire world, yada yada yada."

Natasha did not move from there doorway but her mouth twitched and Tony took that as an 'Thanks Tony, I love you so much'. Instead Natasha said, "We had help."

"Yeah well I'd be shocked if you and Cap managed to crash 3 helicarriers into the Potomac, kill Alexander Pierce, take out all the HYDRA agents and stop Project Insight all by yourselves." he replied sarcastically.

Natasha folded her arms tightly across her chest, "We had unwanted help. Pierce had me trapped and then someone sniped him point blank in the head and a lot of HYDRA agents were taken out before they could stop Wilson or Rogers."

"So?" He sighed.

"It was the winter soldier." She explained, "Steve said he saw a guy with a metal arm briefly and I believe him because I'm pretty sure the guy doesn't know how to lie."

Tony was not suprised by the news so it was easy to act that way, "You never tell people things for no reason. What does this have to do with me?"

"We're going to find him." She replied, "I explained to Steve about some of HYDRA's methods and now he thinks some assassin needs saving. Apparently your the one who has last accessed his files."

Unsure if a super spy could tell if he was lying, Tony shrugged, "I looked up a few things after the guy killed Fury."

Natasha leaned forward, "You're lying."

"So are you." He retaliated because there was no way that Steve had just randomly decided to save the Winter Soldier and Tony had a sneaking suspicion that perhaps the muzzle and goggles might not have kept Barnes disguised from his closest friend in the world. Whilst Tony was pretty sure that Steve was not certain that Barnes was alive because he probably would have heard about it by now, Steve probably had some suspicions but as to whether they were conscious or unconscious Tony could not say.

"Fine." Natasha replied, returning to her usual uncaring tone, "Just send me whatever you dug up."

"I will if you answer a question." He answered and then before Natasha could protest he asked, "Why don't you have a Russian accent?"

Natasha scoffed, "Because the KGB teaches you to get rid of them ,идиот." (idiot)

"But why do you have an American accent then? Can you have none?"

Natasha shrugged, "American is just what comes easiest when I speak English so thats how I talk but if I wanted to remove the accent I could."

"Cool." He replied, satisfied with the answer to a burning question he had wanted to ask Barnes, "I'll send you what I dug up."

And he did. All of them. With the sole exeption of the video of Barnes killing his parents, confident that nothing else would be useful in helping them find Barnes or his identity.

-----

"What secret project you working on?" Cint pestered during breakfast one day when it was only the two of them in the communal kitchen that morning.

Tony smirked, "f I told you it wouldn't be much of a secret."

Rolling his eyes Clint continues shovelling food into his mouth, "Thor been over?"

"Nah not yet." He sighed, "But we've got that Avengers dinner in a few weeks so I reackon he'll hop on his magic rainbow soon enough."

Clint groaned and slammed his head on the table, "You can't invent team bonding, we either do or don't get along."

"I can try." He huffed, "Plus most of us do get along well, I just want us to be friends."

Clint looked up from the table he was lying his head on, "Oh really?" He replied sarcastically, "I hadn't gathered that from when you got us all to live together."

"Suggested." Tony corrected, "Plus people mainly come in and out and its all your choice."

Clint muttered something under his breath that was definately an insult but Tony decided to ignore it, he knew people would be a little unnerved by him keeping a secret but tough luck. Barnes needed one person to trust just a little and so far Tony was his only option

-----

The dinner was slightly tense as usual but Tony noticed that the dynamics were beginning to change a little which meant that progress was finally happening. Steve was chatting to Thor as usual but Natasha was there too. Clint had sparked up conversation with Banner without Natasha to talk sto and Tony sat at the table gloating that people were getting closer with each other like he had planned.

"Ah." Thor laughed and banged his fist down so hard on the table he shook all the plates, "So Tony has succumb to the world of espionage! Ha! I always thought he would never be able to rid himself of such a large mouth."

"Watch it lightning McQueen." Tony grumbled, "And its not espionage its one bloody secret."

Thor waggled his finger, "A big secret though, they all know it."

"I'm so not doing this again." Tony moaned and then looked over to Natasha, "You. How's your project going?"

Natasha huffed, "Useless, just like your files."

Steve smiled at Tony, "I keep on telling her we should just go to the bases themselves since Nat knows a fair few of their locations but she thinks its too dangerous."

"Isn't that what you did in the war? Take down HYDRA bases?" Banner asked, both curious and cautious.

Steve shrugged, "We wouldn't be blowing them up like I did in he war, just collecting information."

Natasha tutted, "Rogers doesn't understand how dangerous those bases are, if you go in then you have to kill everyone to get out and I'm not sure how Rogers' moral compass will feel about that."

Tony registered the confused look that Steve gave Natasha but for once the spy was the one to miss something blatantly obvious and instead asked Clint to pass her some of the fries. The issue was that if there was one thing Tony knew about Steve was that he got his way and that meant that he always got his own way and that meant sooner or later he would go looking in places where he could find answers.

When Barnes was back from Siberia, Tony knew he was in for an uncomfortable conversation with his biggest fan.

-----

"You injured?" He asked the day after Barnes had arrived. He had taken the fact that Barnes had unlocked the door for the first time since getting back as invitation in.

Barnes walked out of the bathroom looking tired, pale, unshaven and moody but not dead. In fact he looked much better than he had when Tony first found him' Barnes' ribs were no longer sticking out of him, all of his wounds were healed and his complexion looked healthier. Siberia had done him the world of good.

"Healing." He replied gruffly, putting the gun he had had trained on Tony back into the pocket of his grey sweatpants.

Tony picked up a black hoody that had been tossed on the floor and decided to not bother asking about where he was getting his clothes from even though it was something he really wanted to know. "Stick it on, we're going out."

"On a mission?" He asked, face looking blanker than he had ever seen it.

"Nope." Tony replied, popping the p, "To a museum."

Barnes eyed the hoodie with wary suspicion, "Why?"

Tony shrugged, "We need to talk and I want to do it somewhere public where you won't kill me."

"I could kill you in public and no one would even-"

Tony held a hand up, interrupting him, "It was a joke and for the sake of my sanity please don't tell me how easy it would be to kill me in the middle of a crowd with no one even noticing."

"Fine." He huffed and Tony stood in the doorway pretending to look at his phone as Barnes got ready.

Grey sweatpants, black hoodie, a navy blue cap and the same pair of black combat boots that he wore missions made up Barnes' ensemble and once the hood was up and over his cap, even Tony barely recognised him. Barnes' face was hidden but in a way that seemed accidental and his baggy comfort clothes hid his muscular figure and the guns in his pockets.

Tony pointed at his shiny metal hand, "How do you hide that?"

Barnes muttered something possibly Russian under his breath and Tony knew an insult when he heard one, even if he did not understand. Then Barnes gave him an unimpressed glare as he put his hand in his pocket.

"Right." Tony clapped, decidedly ignoring how much of an idiot he had been, "Lets go,"

-----

Tony turned down the street once they left the building but was dragged like a paper doll into an alley by Barnes and the unescapable grip of his metal hand. "You are stupid."

"Technically I'm a genius." He snapped back, "But its okay if you get your words mixed up, kid."

Barnes scowled and then turned down the alley, "We stay off main roads."

"Fine." Tony huffed and then he made JARVIS put up a map in his glasses to direct him the right way that took them through back alleys because in order to prove to Barnes he was actually highly intelligent, apparently he needed to know how to get to a museum without being seen.

-----

Barnes had not said a single word for the entire walk and even though Tony knew that he doing constant surveillance on everything they walked past it looked like the guy was just grumpily trudging along behind him. When they reached the main entrance Barnes pulled back, motioned towards his metal hand and the metal detectors and told Tony that he would meet him when he got inside.

Literal minutes later Tony had gotten inside the building, Barnes was leaning against a wall waiting for him like a dickhead. When Tony told him as much, Barnes scoffed and then stared to walk off. Suprisingly it was towards the exhibit that Tony had wanted to take him to in the first place.

Barnes stilled right outside the Captain America exhibit but Tony grabbed his arm, prepared to drag him in. Instead Barnes went with him easily, letting himself be pushed and pulled like a puppet which just made Tony completely hate himself for doing it in the first place. It was completely sickening to know that when Barnes was in shock or distress his body just let people control it as though it was not even his own.

-----

After pushing Barnes away and instructing him to have a look around, Tony took a seat infront of the section dedicated to Barnes himself and read the information he had gone over hundreds of times already. In history Barnes had always been overshadowed by Captain America but reading about him for a brief moment scratched the surface of this amazing, caring kid who put the ones he cared for above all else.

He quit school despite being off the charts smart to work at the docks to support his family when he was only 14 and spent the small bit of free time he had playing doctor for Steve. He joined the army at 18, became a Sargeant and led a group of people that society shit on and treated them as his equals. Then his unit got captured and he subjected himself to torture to save a friend and after Steve saved him, he went back to fighting only because he wanted to look out for his friends.

He did not deserve what had happened to him.

Barnes scoffed as he sat down, glancing at the board infront of them, "They picked a bad picture."

Tony spun his head around so fast it almost snapped, "You know?!"

"Most times I go to sleep I wake up muttering the same thing, sometimes a different language but always the same thing." Barnes said, staring at the ground, "My name and number."

Tony let out a breath of relief, settling his head in his hands, "Well this makes this so much easier."

"What? You wanted to tell me who I was?" Barnes questioned coldly. "I'm not him anymore."

"I know." Tony replied, "I'm not asking you to be. I only wanted to tell you because of Steve, he's looking into HYDRA and I wanted to warn you."

Barnes' expression closed off, face absolutely blank so Tony had no idea what he was thinking or feeling. "I don't remeber him."

And what the fuck because wasn't Barnes supposed to be good at lying?

Tony shrugged, "I'm just letting you know what I know. Steve is going after you and sooner or later he'll find out." Then he added, "But as his friend I have to say that maybe you should talk to him."

Ignoring him absolutely, Barnes' attention was on the exhibition of himself and after possibly ten minutes his blank face got colder. "Its wrong."

"Which part?"

Barnes rubbed his flesh arm over his face and Tony's metal heart churned as he realised that he had not even noticed that the guy was crying. "All of it, its all bullshit. I was just a stupid kid, nothing admirable about that."

It was the first time that Barnes had verbally accepted that he was James Barnes and Tony wanted to tell him that, congratulate him and buy him a drink. Instead he just said, "You still are."

"What?"

"A stupid kid." Tony clarified. "You've spent most of the past 70 years frozen, right? Typically they only took you out for a week at a time? You can't have lived more than a few years. You're still a kid."

Barnes stared at him for a while and then looked away again, "Doesn't feel like it."

"Do you want to go?" Tony asked, not knowing what else to say.

Tony followed Barnes' gaze down to his flesh hand and watched him shove it in his pocket with like the other one. He gulped, "You're not my handler are you?"

"No."

"Not HYDRA?"

"No."

Barnes swayed in his seat and Tony regretted taking an unstable assassin to a museum about him and his dead friends immediately because it looked like Barnes was about to have some sort of panic attack or shutdown. He tightly screwed his eyes shut, his entire body tensing and shaking very subtly whilst Tony stayed very still. Eventually Barnes opened his eyes again and they were brimming with tears.

"Am I a weapon?"

"No."

Barnes gave a shaky nod of his head, "Okay lets go."

"Okay."

Chapter Text

"Sergeant James Buchanon Barnes, 32557038, Сержант Джеймс Бьюкенен Барнс, 32557038..." James went through the name again and again, each time in different languages, the number feeling different on his tounge but meaning the same thing.

It took a while but he remebered; he was at the Avengers tower, staying in Hulks room because Tony Stark decided to keep him instead of kill him. He had been made into the perfect weapon by HYRDA but that was not him anymore, he was different because he was a person now. Ineffective, broken, pathetic, weak but human. He was not sure why, but he knew that was very important.

James climbed out of the bathtub and washed face in cold water with his shaking hands, he knew it was messed up but the bathtub was cold, hard and restrictive which was familiar enough to the metal table and the cryo chamber that he could sleep for a couple of hours but different enough too. A sharp pain errupted in his shoulder but he rolled it a bit and it dulled, his metal arm was made for effectiveness in the field not comfort and it had not mattered to the scientists that they attached some of the wires to the nerves in his shoulder incorrectly. As long as it worked.

Picking up the fluffy blanket Tony's friend had given him, James wrapped it around himself as he emerged from the bathroom. Then found the cigerattes he had gotten the other day after running out and sat infront of the big window in his room. It was still dark, he had gotten to sleep at three in the morning and lasted almost two hours. He was satisfied with that though, two hours kept him running for four days at a good efficiency, so he sat down and watched New York wake up.

"JARVIS remove the last two hours of footage and replace it as usual please." He told the AI who had made his morning routine a lot easier when he explained to James that he could do the thing he had spent an hour hacking to achieve in seconds.

"Of course Sargeant." The room replied and James blew the smoke out of his lungs agressively, Tony programming the AI to call people by their rank was pretty annoying when they were having the biggest identity crisis that was literally possible.

James tuned all that out and focused in on the steady increase of people in the City as they woke up, sometimes his memory dredged up things he would have preferred to forget and sometimes it gave him pockets of memories before HYDRA when he could still smile. But whatever the memory was it always upset him, so James preffered the silence and ignored his screaming brain.

-----

JARVIS let out a small chime before saying "Sargeant this is your reminder to shower, brush your teeth, eat and dress." but James still had thrown one of his knives into the wall by the time he finished his sentence.

At first James despised the AI but then it became helpful, for instance after not having taken care of himself in years James always forgot to do the things he had promised Tony would. Now JARVIS told him to do it and James had gotten pretty good at following orders.

His least favourite part of the routine was the showering, if it steamed up even a little James became convinced he was being frozen again and the only solution was to have a freezing cold shower. Half the time he had a shower he ended up shaking on the floor, pelted with memories of blood, burning and death.

However coming in a close second was eating because the crap he ingested was disgusting and it was the exact same as it had been for the last 70 years which offered zero comfort. It was not as if he had not tried different food, when he went off of missions sometimes he let himself try something solid. Nothing lasted longer than ten minutes before it came straight back out of his mouth, bile mixed with blood.

Eating was a cruel reminder of the permanence of what HYDRA had done to him, as if he was not reminded every other second of the day. The nightmares, the shaking, the flashbacks, the time he lost just sitting down infront of the window and waking up hours later even though he had never even closed his eyes. All of it made him furious, so he took it out on HYDRA because they had made him like that even though what he truly hated was himself and his useless pathetic and awful, awful body.

To help ingest it James smoked, he smoked a lot because they got rid of a taste and reminded him of better times where he could still laugh and smile and had the people he cared for with him. He took another sip of his drink lumpy white drink and then followed it with a deep inhalation of nicotine. James was in the middle of blowing the smoke out when he heard the door opening.

His gun was trained on the intruder before they had finished pushing on the door handle but then the door came flying open that it slammed against the wall and there was a very angry and slightly suprised guy looking back at him. He looked like he was probably around the same age as Tony (fourty-something) but his features were softer and almost...kinder?

A big green vein popped out of his neck and the guy looked horrified but none of that terror appeared to be about the gun pointed at his head, "You need to get the hell out of the room before the big guy comes."

James relaxed his fingers on the trigger and leaned back slightly, "So your Hulk?"

"NO." The guy shouted back and his skin got greener, "I'm Bruce Banner and you really need to get out quickly."

"Oh." He sighed and took another drag.

"WILL YOU STOP SMOKING." Bruce Banner shouted but after the words were out, he was definately not Banner anymore because he was huge and green.

James ignored it.

-----

"HULK SMASH." Hulk shouted as he stormed over to him and James did not do anything to stop him or get in his way.

However as soon as one of the Hulk's huge hands reached out for James, he stared at the monster eye to eye with a look he usually only gave HYDRA agents before he killed them. Luckily for the monster he had enough sense to realise when he was outmatched and so turned around, directing his anger to the bed instead. The Hulk was shouting, roaring as the bed was chucked around the room, the indestructible wood causing dents in the indestructible wall.

James continued to remain sat on the floor but leant up against the window, deciding that perhaps a raging green monster was midly more entertaining than the New York city street life fourty floors beneath him. Whilst James had endured too much to find destruction and dangerous rage fun to watch, it was interesting to see how much strength Hulk had. Trying to spot his weak spots and different ways he could attempt to take him down was an unconscious stream of thoughts that he used on most people he saw.

When the Hulk aimed the bed near the closet which James kept his tactical gear in, he was up on his feet and standing infront of the monster in a second. The Hulk paused, a bed held over his head as he snorted angrily, considering whether or not to throw the bed.

"Put it down." James told him darkly. The bed was raised higher and Hulk let out an angry snarl, the bed starting to splinter as he held onto it so tightly.

The thing was James had already had his worst nightmare come true, he had gotten tortured then freed with the promise of never having to suffer through that again, only to be recaptured and put through ten times worse for seventy years. Things still scared him, yes, but only of things which reminded him of the past...of his greatest fear. James had never seen a huge green monster before and therefore it really was not about to scare him.

James took a step towards the Hulk, teeth baring and said lowly, "Don't touch my fucking stuff."

This appeared to get the message across since Hulk dropped the bed and followed James like a puppy when he we went to sit back down across from the window. It felt wierd sat looking out at the sky with a huge green monster breathing heavy as he sat beside him but it was not bad. So James did not really mind.

After a while the Hulk tapped him on the shoulder so gently he though he imagined it, "Metal." He said prodding the arm again, "Metal strong?"

"Very." James replied.

Something lit up in the Hulk's eyes which wasn't venomous angry green, "Hulk play smash with metal?"

James raised an amused eyebrow, "Play smash?"

The Hulk pushed him with enough force to topple him over and then repeated, "Play smash."

Then James understood; Hulk wanted to spar with him. Considering James was planning on heading over to a couple of HYDRA bases in Italy in a week, he figured the training would help. So he got up off the floor and kicked the Hulk so hard in the head that he crashed into the floor. The monster let out a happy sort of shouting noise and then they started to fight.

Hulk was pulling his punches and James purposefully avoided the guy's week spots, spending the next twenty minutes or so trying to one up one other. Then Hulk, grinning like a kid on Christmas, got James in a headlock and started to muss up his hair as if they were fighting on the playground at school. James elbowed him in the ribs and tried to get the guy on his back and it was only then that he realised he was smiling. He was genuinely enjoying something and he had spent so long imagining that it was this foreign unattainable concept but here it was.

Weird.

James carried on fighting...because he wanted to?

-----

The door slammed open for the second time that day but now it was Tony Stark, all decked out in his Iron Man gear. Obviously whilst doing recon at some of the HYRA bases he had done some in depth research into the guy who though he was keeping him prisoner, or did think so anyway.

Stark's voice came through the suit as sharp as day, "Barnes get the hell out of there, he's-"

Hulk stood up, pushing James to the side and began striding towards Stark, teeth baring and the murderous rage back in his eyes. James kicked him in the back of the knee and Hulk buckled to the ground immediately, "Not him."

Hulk grunted, "Metal no fun."

James gave him a good natured nudge, "Liar."

"Er how the hell are you not dead?" Stark asked stood a considerable was away from the door.

He shrugged, "Hulk knows when he's beat." Then at Hulk's growl of resentment he added, "Plus I'm really good at play smash."

"Play smash?" Stark squawked.

"Sparring." He explained.

Stark's metal suit did a slow nod, "And your absolutely fine?"

Without thinking he rolled his right shoulder a little, the dull ache become more of a sharp one when he fought but that was hardly anything new or life threating. "Yep."

Stark took another step back, "Well let me know when Banner is back and I'll stay out of the way."

"Banner." Hulk grunted and James noted that Hulk did definately not like his counterpart although it was pretty clear the same could be said the other way around.

Once Stark closed the door, James sat down on the floor again, beside where Hulk was still laying from where he knocked him over. "Sorry for taking your room."

"Cage." Hulk spat.

"Not if you know how to get out." He replied.

Hulk sighed and when James glanced over, he saw that the Hulk was shrinking and getting a lot less green which made him shiver. He hated Doctors and Banner was one seven times. So whilst Banner groaned and grumbled under his breath whilst clinging to his head, James quickly collected the one thing which kept him centred by reminding him that there was no possible way he was back there. His pink fluffy blanket.

"You." Banner said and James looked up to make eye contact with him, "You're not dead."

James did not dignify that with a response and pressed his back firmly into the glass window behind him in order to clamp down on his fear.

"H-how are you- what...but even- and I..." Banner stammered for a bit before he got something that actually made sense out, "Who are you?"

James would have laughed if he could, "I've got no idea."

"You're Tony's friend right?" He asked after a long silence.

"No."

Banner smiled, "Wow you really are his friend."

James felt himself reaching for one of his knives, "You should leave."

"This is my room." The man replied uncertaintly as if he were not sure the room was his or if he could tell James to even leave.

The issue is that James was scared of the Doctor enough as it was and even if he knew it was conditioning, he could not help from fearing a punishment if he disobeyed. James had begun to like his room, he could sleep there and that was the first place he had slept in since he fell and he did not want to taint it with memories of being cut up by another Doctor. So James pulled his blanket tighter around himself and stood up.

"Fine." He said in an embarrassingly quiet voice, "I'm leaving."

He just hoped he could come back.

-----

Pink fluffy blanket in one hand, James used his metal arm to clutch onto the ladder as he climbed up the fire escape in the elevator shaft in order to travel up to a higher floor where he knew Stark kept his lab. His instincts and paranoia had been set on edge by meeting the Doctor and he could not bring himself to go in the elevator, the small metal space with obvious cameras and increased risk of interacting with another Avenger was too much.

However once he got to the correct floor, his serum advanced hearing allowed him to hear the argument that was going on in Tony's lab and the voice. He knew that voice much better than his own, it was familiar and gut wrenching. He hated it because he loved it and the metal ladder creaked as he crushed it in his grip as he listened in.

"You knew didn't you." The voice accused, anger and betrayal evident in every word, "You gave us those files when you already knew who he was and didn't say a thing."

"So did you." Tony snapped back and James finally realised that this argument was seriously bad.

The voice was quiet for a moment until it let out a choked up sigh and James could literally feel that he was on the verge of tears. "I thought I was making it Tony! I thought it was my stupid grieving brain just tricking me into hoping again!"

Tony some heavy stack of papers down on a table, "What do you want me to say Steve? That I'm sorry?"

"It doesn't seem like you are."

Tony scoffed, "Because I'm not Cap. Barnes was working against HYDRA on that Potomac so that means some of his brain is working. Which means if he isn't going to you, thats his decision." There was a pause, "After all this he's been through, you want me to take away his right to make a decision, to have a choice...again?"

There was a loud crash and then he was crying and the metal bar James was clutching onto was snapping in half. He knew he did not want that voice to be crying, especially over him. He was wortheless and undeserving of taking up a single thought in his brain. James was not ready to see Steve but more importantly he knew that Steve would not be ready to see him.

"Its all my fault." He whispered as he cried but clearly he had not meant to say that aloud because once he heard Tony gasp, James heard Steve running out of the room. He was not worried about being exposed in the elevator, he knew Steve would take the stairs because he knew Steve. His memories were still coming back but he knew Steve instinctually in his head and that idiot would always take the stairs.

-----

All the shiny blue holographs in Tony's room really set him in edge and then he saw the files. His files. Thrown on the floor, pictures and words spilling out that he had never wanted to see. Even when he had been on the table and recognised the taunting flash of someone documenting his broken body they had done him the small mercy of not showing them to him.

James screwed his eyes shut and stepped back, his body shaking as it started to fall into shock. Tony just stood there uselessly, still frozen in shock from when James had first entered and Tony realised he must have overheard at least some of the argument.

There was a gentle chime but James still flinched as if someone were striking him, "Sorry Sargent but I noticed that Tony's lab has caused you a great deal of distress, is there anything I can do?"

Thanks to the panic only just beginning, James felt strong enough to get a word out, "Blue."

Another chime rang through the room but James flinched a lot less that time, "Sargent all holograms have been turned off."

He opened his eyes and kept them away from the floor, the blue lights were gone and the room was much dimmer but James did not feel any better. Things had gone pretty badly today.

"You alright Barnes?" Tony asked cautiously.

"No." He replied quickly and slightly bitterly but as soon as he had he stepped well away from Tony and pressed a hand to his mouth. He was such an idiot.

Tony held his hands up, "Hey, look at me Barnes. I'm not annoyed and I'm not going to hurt you." He looked at the blanket that was still firmly clutched in his left hand, "How can I help?"

James gulped, he was shaking and he could not get the words out. His mind was screaming for him to go back to his room but he could not because Banner had kicked him out. He was hear to ask Tony for his room back but that implied asking for something and the implication that the room was his (which it was not). He could not do it.

"Barnes?" Tony questioned, "Do you want to sit down? You're not looking great."

He managed to shake his head, even though the only reason James was saying no was to check if he still could. "I- I erm, well can, no I wan- no, I-" James cut himself off with a frustrated sigh and looked away from Stark's face filled with pity.

Busy running through different variations of the same question in his head, James almost missed what Stark said but managed to catch the end of it, "-want something?"

James hated the way he winced when he nodded but he was not supposed to want anything...or even think. He was made to take orders and the thought of what he was doing made him feel sick. It was so so wrong and he was going to be in big trouble when HYDRA got him back.

The next thing he knew Tony was asking him questions again and again which were all variations of 'want do you want' but each time he did so, James just lost his grip on reality more and more. Soon enough the room looked even more bright blue than it had when he entered and he could barely breathe.

Then something finally cut through his panic, "I order you to tell me what you wanted."

The words just came out his mouth without even needing to think, "The room back."

James doubled over and threw up, it was mainly water since that was the only thing he ingested daily but there were clumps of white which was his food and a lot of blood. Afterwards he curled up on the floor and felt extremely relieved that Stark went nowhere near him because James did not trust himself right now.

-----

It had definately been hours but James was not sure of much else when it came to how long he had spent huddled up on the floor, staring blankly at the floor. He was so weak and for that he hung his head in shame when he finally managed to pick himself up off the floor.

Stark slumped over a table, fast asleep behind a desk that conveniently faced exactly where James had been on the floor. He had noticed that the sick and even the smell of it was completely gone, as was his files which had been thrown everywhere. James felt grateful for Stark and also disgusted with himself that he had depended on someone else to take care of him.

Stark let out a little snort as he peeled his face off the desk, "You're up."

James nodded, "I'm sorry."

Stark shook his head vehemently, "No thats all my fault, I should have handled that situation a lot better."

"No I'm just malfunctioning because nobody is making me forget and I haven't been put in cryo for ages."

Obviously Stark had not liked something he said but all he said is, "Do you want that to happen?"

James thought about it for a while, he would be perfect again and HYDRA would not be haunting everything he did anymore. No more decisions or choices or shaking or sleeping or showers or anything...just orders. Then James thought about the pain and the 'thing' he had been missing forever and how it felt closer than ever. He genuinely considered it.

"I don't think so."

That reply made Stark smile and then he pointed to a hologram of the Avengers tower but this one was made out of a bright yellow light instead. He pointed to a room on the fortieth floor with reinforced walls. "This is your room."

The Stark waved his hand and four other floors on the top ten floors of the tower light up, "There are the other levels that the Avengers picked." He waved his hand at the six empty ones left, "You can pick to have your own floor or go back to your own room, either is fine but one comes with an increased chance of death by Hulk."

James shurgged, "I like Hulk."

"What?" Stark asked, seeming even more suprised than when he held a gun to his head.

"Check the security cameras." He replied as he surveyed the options he had.

He really liked his room and it felt like a bit of a punishment to not have it anymore but at the same time he was scared of the Doctor and if he got an entire floor to himself it would require a lot less hiding. Fifty floors in the Avengers tower; 45 was very big and apparently some sort of communal living area for the Avengers, Banner had 40, Romanov and Barton shared 43, Thor had 47, Stark on 46 and Steve on 41.

He liked the view from high up but the top two floors were easily susceptible to attack so he pointed to floor 48. It was out of everyone's way because no one went up that high and there was a very big floor to ceiling window that ran all the way from the bedroom, through the living room and kitchen and fished at the balcony. Balcony. Now James was sold.

He pointed to 48, "This one."

"You sure?" Stark questioned, "Its not Hulk's room its yours."

James shook his head, "Its Banners."

Stark rolled his eyes, "Whatever Barnes, its yours if you want it."

"This is good." He said, looking further at the schematics of floor 28, "It has a balcony."

Stark gave James an incredulous look, "No sniping people from the balcony."

Instead of answering James decided to move his stuff out of Hulk's room but whilst he was there he decided to ask Jarvis to let him know if Hulk ever showed up. The guy seemed to appreciate the company.

-----

James barely glanced at any of the amenities of his suite on his way onto the balcony, only stopping to put his guns and gear into his new closet. Then he was outside on the balcony, legs swinging over the ledge as he observed his new view of the city. The wind was stronger higher up so James pulled the blanket around himself and he let out a sigh. It was a shame that he had to go so soon but Italy needed to be taken care of and James wanted to be the one to do so.

He left that night in order to avoid having to bother trying to sleep. It felt wierd getting back into his combat gear when he had been wearing nothing but baggy cotton clothes for nearing two weeks but it was not bad. A small backpack of supplies strapped to his back and a rifle hung over his good shoulder, James left the avengers tower.

A month. He had given himself an entire month to take down two bases in Italy, it was more than enough time and an easy enough task but ideally he would have planned for more recon. But he had not and James told himself it was definately not because he was beginning to like the Avengers tower. He also told himself it was definately not because he wanted to be nearer to a person who his brain could not handle meeting right now. He told himself those things even though they were blatant lies.

Chapter Text

A month, thats what Tony had told him a few days later after they managed to make up. He knew Tony was right even though a wierd churning in his stomach happened whenever Tony knew what was better for Bucky instead of him. The issue was that Steve had spent the past three years feeling completely hollow inside, satisfied working on autopilot and doing whatever people asked of him because he did not care anymore. Without Bucky, it was the twenty-first century which was in black and white for Steve.

Steve had never cried once infront of anyone since he woke up from the ice, though he did it a lot in private, he maintained a strong front infront of others. The future only knew him as Captain America and they had all these assumptions for the type of person he was which slightly confused Steve because the Avengers were supposed to be smart yet they thought that the history books and old propaganda movies were an accurate representation of himself. But Steve had not really cared, as far as he knew he real life had ended in 1945, so he went along with it.

At least Thor had no prejudices, he was an alien who had never heard of him before and treated him like all the other humans. Steve knew he was not supposed to have favourites and if he did, he was supposed to say Natasha because she was kind and wonderful and they had gone on the run and taken down SHEILD together. However Natasha kept on trying to set him up with girls and Thor did not once mention Steve's romantic life. So there was that.

Living for the past three years had felt like he was still trudging through the mud, but this time he was alone and with no direction. Then when Natasha found a file on the Winter Solider everything imploded because even though he could have sworn that the Solider looked like his Bucky on the Potomac, he was convinced it was just his depressed grieving brain playing tricks on him. Then it turned out that Tony, who was the one Avenger that continuously preached about friendship, had known about him for month.

Obviously Steve was pretty upset, in fact he spent half a week moping around him suite in the Avengers tower crying and whishing he could get drunk. Tony barged in on day four and apologised by telling him he had met Bucky a few times and that he was okay but was doing something of his own volition for a month so he could not tell him much more since he did not know what he would be okay with. Steve punched him in the face.

Not only was Tony acting all protective and caring over his friend in a way which just seemed out of place on the sarcastic egoist but he knew more about Bucky than Steve did and in all his life that had never happened. Steve hated it. He just wanted to help his best friend and for some reason he could not do that and it was killing him more than he imagined it would.

However the one thing he had noticed was that ever since he found out Bucky was alive, the world had gotten a lot less dull because despite finding friends and a home in this new world he woke up in, he had always felt out of place. Now? Steve was not alone anymore.

-----

Steve walked into Tony's lab without invitation and slumped down on a small armchair in the corner of the room. Stark and Banner were muttering in science language whilst they flicked through holograms and schematics that meant absolutely nothing to Steve. He recognised the word 'energy' and 'mechanics' and then cursed himself for spending so much of his childhood drawing pictures....even though science in the fourties was very different to this.

"Why are your screens purple now?" Steve asked after finishing his stack of breakfast pancakes. He had been training all morning and needed the energy.

Bruce looked at Steve like he had just insulted him, "Screens? Really Steve?"

"Woah." Tony chucked, "Is this Jekyll or Hyde?"

Bruce sighed and rubbed his forhead, "We've been at this all night Tony."

"At what?" Steve interrupted again and for once he actually felt young as he pestered the older men to give him attention.

"Just a working on a theory Tony has been adapting based on self powered mechanics." Banner answered.

Then Tony spared him a glance, "Got sick of the blue, decided to change it up a bit. Jarvis likes it, don't you?"

"Very much, sir." The AI replied and Steve still could not shake off his amazement at something like that existing.

Spinning around on his chair, Tony edged closer to Steve, "So whatcha doing grumbling about in my lab, old man?"

Steve raised a brow, "Old man? I'll have you know I've been training since five this morning thank you."

"Question still stands." Then after a pause, Tony added, "And this better not be about the Manchurian candidate."

"The what?"

Bruce sighed and explained Tony's nickname because he never did, "Its a reference to a book about the American government brainwashing citizens into assassins."

Steve frowned but did not say anything about it because as far as he was aware Bruce had no idea about Bucky. "Its about the fact that the hot water stopped working."

Tony scoffed, "No it didn't, you just aren't turning the dials correctly."

"We used to call them taps." Steve snapped back because it had been five weeks but Tony had said he was going to hear from Bucky in a month and let him know he was okay. Obviously he was never going to admit to that though because he was stubborn as hell.

Then the door was slammed open and the fucking Winter Soldier was standing there looking murderous.

He was wearing the exact same clothes that Steve had seen him in on the Potomac over half a year ago but now he was up close and Steve could really, properly see him for the first time. His black boots were caked in mud and the combat trousers he was wearing were stained with something darker which Steve was pretty sure was blood. He had the black jacket buckled on and the amount of fastenings it had made it seem slightly restrictive but one of its sleeves was missing on order to reveal the gleaming metal arm.

Steve looked up and recognised the black mask which tightly fitted to the bottom half of his face but where a pair of black goggles had been over his eyes last time, they were now pulled back on top of his forehead subsequently pushing away the long hair from his face so Steve could see those dark blue eyes he had known all his life. Bucky. Steve was so overwhelmed his body just shut down and he could barely breathe let alone speak.

Bucky had not even glanced in his direction, instead his eyes trained on Tony as he reached into his back pocket. Tony tensed a little and Bruce took multiple steps away, wary of the bloodied soldier walking into their lab in order to brandish a weapon. However when his hand came out of his pocket, it wasn't a gun he had pointed at Tony.

It was a...banana?

"What the fuck is this?" Bucky grumbled and Steve's heart panged to hear his voice. It was so wrecked, the voice sounding grating gravely and low. It was similar to when he had come back to Azzano and they both noticed how his vocal cords were permanently changed but said nothing about it. However this was worse and not only because of the evident damage but because his accent was gone.

When Bucky had come to his senses after Azzano he realised that the Brooklyn drawl Steve had was gone because the USO had trained it out of him and Bucky lost his shit and kicked Steve where it hurt. Steve had always had the weaker accent because his Ma was an Irish Catholic and not a native New Yorker, unlike Bucky's parents. In fact Steve's accent only started to get harsh after meeting Bucky and they both loved it. Steve hated how they had taken that from Bucky as well, taken his voice and removed it of any accent whatsoever.

Tony's voice rang sharp, cutting through the dizzying amount of thoughts sending Steve spiralling. "A banana."

"No." Bucky replied adamantly and he slammed the bloody banana down on the table, "I tried it and that is not a banana. Tastes like shit."

Then it dawned on Steve exactly what Bucky was on about because he had had the exact same freak out a few weeks out of the ice and before he could think the words were spilling out of his mouth, "Panama disease in the fifties wiped out the ones we used to eat."

"Oh." Bucky replied calmly as he looked back at the banana and Steve finally realised that the son of a bitch (sorry Winifred) had known he was sat there all along.

Then Steve looked away from Bucky for the first time since he entered only to stare at some stupid banana which was getting more of Bucky's attention than him and when he looked back he was gone. There had been no noise that Steve had picked up with his serum enhanced hearing except from the sliding of the door as it closed and then he was up on his feet.

A heavy hand slammed into his chest, "Give him time."

Steve laughed mirthlessly, "So he's been living here the whole time and when you said you had met him a few times, you meant this?"

Tony released his grip, "He pops in and out like everyone else who lives here."

"Except he isn't like everyone else." Steve argued, "He needs help."

"Help him with what Steve?" Tony retaliated, "No one can ever even begin to comprehend what he has been through and so far it seems like Barnes is doing a fine job of picking himself up and recovering the best he can."

Steve wanted to punch Tony again, "That was blood! He was covered in blood! What type of fine job is that?"

"Well none of it was his."

"How can you be so sure?"

Then Bruce intervened, "So no one cares about whose blood that was? He might've killed someone." and in turn recieved two menacing glares which made Bruce frown, "You're threatening the other guy, I'm out."

Once Bruce had stormed off, Steve started up again. "Trust me when I say that I know Bucky is strong, hell he is the strongest guy I've ever known but he's also a moody stubborn idiot and he needs help."

Tony scoffed, "He's not your little war pal anymore Steve."

"But he isn't the Winter Soldier either." He argued and then jabbed Tony in the chest, "Don't you see what your problem is?"

Tony pushed Steve's hand away, "I can see that Captain America needs to get his blood pressure checked."

"Exactly!" Steve exclaimed angrily, "Tony for someone who so desperately wants to make the Avengers all best friends its annoyingly stupid that you all are unable to seperate the hero from their costume and no one even notices it!"

He took another angry step towards Tony, "Clint has been living with you for two years and you still think he is a easy going guy with a bow and arrow when the only reason he's so nice to everyone is that before SHEILD he spent his entire life in the circus trying to keep people happy and get them to like him so they wouldn't beat on him for being deaf like his brother did."

Steve took another step forward, "He likes dogs, making smart remarks and watching Disney movies but you're too busy trying using him as a tool to get everyone else in the Avengers talking to each other to even notice."

Tony folded his arms defensively and manoeuvred himself so that there was a table between him and Steve, "I know he likes dogs, he has a Labrador called Lucky."

"That's Natasha's dog."

Tony threw his hands up, "Yeah well the pair of them are dating and live together so technically its both of theirs."

Steve rolled his eyes, "You're missing the point Tony."

"No your point is the exact same thing that Pepper tells me all the time," He retorted, "That I need to listen to people more or otherwise I would have known all that."

Steve's gripped the table so hard it creaked and Tony looked at his white knuckles in surprise and Steve grinned, "You didn't know I have a temper?"

"You don't." Tony replied boredly but there was a hint of uncertainty, "You just like lecturing people, Captain."

"I've been starting fights in Brooklyn alleys since I could stand." He snapped back, "The history books taught you about some idealist version of Captain America and certainly not Steve Rogers so don't bother pretending like you know me."

Tony sighed, the anger in his voice replaces by sincerity, "Steve I-"

"No." He interrupted, "Because when you see Bucky you see the Winter Soldier and think he is strong enough to handle all of this by himself because he did it in those labs under HYDRA but the point is he doesn't have to and he's not going to admit that."

Tony's glare hardened, "Barnes does have help, JARVIS helps him whenever he stays and you want to know what he does?" He waited for a beat until answering, "He has to remind him when to eat or wash or sleep because Barnes can't remeber how to take care of himself anymore."

Steve forced back the tears, "I want to help Bucky by being his friend again, Tony. I want to be able to have his back again and if thats selfish then so be it." He took a deep breath, "I know Bucky's been through a lot but he isn't broken and if I need to tell him to eat an apple every now and again then so what?"

Then he stormed out of the room before the tears started to flow.

----

After a impromptu supermarket shop, Steve bought himself all the sugary plastic drinks and foods that tasted nothing like the candies he had dreamed of being able to afford when he was a kid in the depression. Then on his way to the till he picked up a box of cigerattes and decided that even if he could not see him, he could at least smell him.

When they had been in Brooklyn Bucky always smelled like smokes when he got off from the docks and Steve had always had to hold back the desire to grab him and kiss him silly in the middle of the street. It was wierd when he learned that homosexuality was legal now but it had not mattered much to Steve since Bucky was not there with him. Plus it was one thing for a guy to kiss a guy and another for Captain America, the pinnacle of the American ideals to kiss one too. Things had not changed that much.

So when Steve got back to his suite he trudged through the house until he reached his balcony and then leant over the side, staring at the bustling street life below him. A box of chocolate cookies in one hand and a cigeratte in the other, Steve alternated between which he put into his mouth, not minding the stark contrast in the two and trying to ignore the sting of the smoke as if reminded him of late night campfires with the commandos.

"What the fuck did I tell you about smoking?"

Steve looked up and saw a pink fluffy lump staring down at him from a few floors up. The huge blanket was wrapped around him so much that Steve could only see Bucky's head and some tufts of his dark brown hair. He had that stupid pout on which he used whenever Steve did something which he did not approve on and Steve's legs buckled in shock.

So suprised he once again spoke without consulting his brain, "You remeber."

"No."

"Liar."

There was a long pause but Steve kept his eyes fixed on the human candy floss, realising he had indirectly given Bucky a present and being happy about it because Bucky appeared to like it and he looked incredibly adorable wearing it. However he also then made a mental note to punch Tony again.

"I don't remeber enough for you to get all happy about it." Bucky mumbled but Steve still heard him despite being meters apart thanks to the super hearing.

"I'm happy enough knowing your alive and not still captured." He replied but then smirked and added, "But if you remembered my name then I would be happy about that too."

Then there was another long pause, "Its Sam or Scott or something right?"

Steve smiled in a way he had not done in seventy years, "Dickhead."

"Just drop the smoke Steve." Bucky retorted.

Deciding to push his luck because he was a tricky asshole and Bucky knew as much Steve retaliated with, "Make me."

There was a shuffle and something flew through the air and the cigeratte was out of his hands, "That was easy."

Steve stared at his hand in awe, "What did you just throw at my hand?"

"A rock."

Steve hummed, "Like I said, you're a dickhead."

"You're not wrong." Bucky replied and then his words turned clipped and solemn, "I've done a lot of bad things."

"Don't care." He said fiercely because that was the truth.

Bucky sighed, "You should."

Steve shrugged, "I never liked the rules much."

Bucky huffed, "Now thats something I definately do remeber."

"Are you okay?" Steve blurted out, "I mean I know that you're not but I mean that, well are you, you know- are you?"

Bucky pulled the fluffy blanket into him tighter, "Are you?"

"Not really." He replied honestly, "Getting you back is the only good thing that has happened to me since I woke up and somehow even thats been fucked up into a bad thing."

There was a long beat of silence and then Bucky just stood up and walked off, but Steve understood, he had definately pushed a bit too far. He just could not help himself. Plus with the knowlege that Bucky lived in the same building as him Steve felt okay seeing him walk away, in fact he even felt okay enough to sleep again.

-----

Steve was completely passed out on the couch when he heard a knock, being a light sleeper was a habit picked up from the war which he had never been able to get rid off. Most of the time it was annoying and useless since thanks to his super hearing Steve had been woken up countless times by a the noise his fridge made or the elevator moving past his floor. Most of the time. However it did mean that whoever someone knocked at his door, he answered.

"Stark." He grumbled, "This better be an emergency because I'm not up for one of you lame apologies right now."

As soon as he opened the door though, there was no tired Tony Stark holding apology doughnuts but just a blur of pink that came barrelling into to him and almost knocked him back onto the ground. Whatever it was, it was clinging onto Steve so tightly that it constricted his airflow and Steve's sleep addled brain thought he might be being attacked. Then everything clicked and Steve immediately clung onto Bucky, a flood of relief rushing through him at the thought of getting to hold him again.

All of a sudden the Bucky in arms started to shake and Steve felt the tears soaking into his t-shirt which just broke his heart because for all that had changed some things had not. HYDRA had hurt Bucky badly, haunted his every thought and Bucky was still determined to soldier through it and pretend everything was alright. Unless he was with Steve because even though they might not know all of each others secrets anymore, they still fundamentally knew each other and could therefore be themselves where it was safe and there was no judgement.

"Oh Buck." Steve sighed after he started stroking the top of Bucky's hair and the crying turned into wracked muffled sobs. Instinct made Steve kiss the top of Bucky's head but when generalised what he had done he regretted it at the thought of putting too much on Bucky right now.

Instead of pushing him away as Steve half expected, Bucky just pushed his face into Steve's shoulder even more, "I'm so sorry Steve."

Steve managed to bite back a cry but the tears did start rolling, "No I am. I fucking promised you that HYDRA would never touch you again and I-" Steve took a shaky breath in an attempt to calm himself, "I thought you were dead but I should have looked- I should've fucking held on."

Bucky's head shook against Steve's shoulder, signalling that he disagreed and for once Steve did not accept Bucky's opinion because his judgement was always skewed when it came down to him. But he did hug him tighter.

"You shouldn't want to be near me, I'm evil and I-I'm broken." Bucky admitted quietly.

Steve tensed, whoever made Bucky feel like that was going to die, "No." He said adamantly, "Never, Buck, they made you do those things, you didn't have a choice."

Bucky's breath stilled, "I know but I still did it."

"Yeah." Steve replied softly, "But that doesn't make you evil and you sure as hell ain't broken if you managed to get all the way back here."

Bucky scoffed, "Back where?"

"To me you jerk." He replied, only midly offended Bucky had not understood that initially.

Bucky lifted his head out of Steve's shoulder and looked up at him, wide red rimes shiny eyes and sighed the smallest and most melancholy smile playing on his lips. "I heard what you said to Tony."

"Oh." Was the only thing Steve could think to say because he honestly did not know if that was a good or bad thing.

"I know you're stubborn as hell and won't stop chasing me if I try to leave again." Bucky continued, "But I also know I'm not the old Bucky anymore and if you stick around, its not going to be easy for you at all because I really am fucked up and I need you to know that."

Steve sighed and his grip on Bucky loosened, "I can't loose you again Buck, because you're all I've got and I care about you more than anything else. But I'm not the old Steve and you've been fucked up since Azzano, I can deal with it."

Bucky's jaw dropped a bit and then Steve had the delight of seeing it form into an actual real life smile, "Steve Rogers you are such a punk."

-----

The next couple of weeks were not sunshine and rainbows, in fact it was more like a thunderstorm crossed with a tornado and a tsunami but Steve would not have changed it for the world. For a few days Steve stayed in his suite and let Bucky visit him when he pleased but then as soon as Bucky let him come up to floor 48, he sort of never left. Neither of them seemed to mind about that too much though.

The issues then shortly followed, Bucky liked to sit out on the balcony a lot and stare down at the city and when Steve learnt that when he was doing that he was planning out which HYDRA bases to take out next he lost his shit a little. Not only had Bucky been going into HYDRA bases completely alone and without any backup but he had been doing that when he was not even recovered.

Speaking of recovery, Bucky probably underplayed the whole 'I'm fucked up' part, even if Steve refused to admit that to himself. It was gut wrenching the first time Steve heard JARVIS use that fucking alarm and he had to walk away when he saw Bucky drinking that awful white powder because it was the only thing he could eat. Then the sleeping was an issue because he did it once every three days for two hours in the bathtub and Steve wanted to help but Bucky refused and when he told him the reason why, Steve cried like a baby.

Showering was also bad and whenever Bucky left one, he emerged distant and vacant and stayed that way for a few hours. It was less than ideal, especially when Steve realised that Bucky had forgotten about soap and how to use it. After another painfully difficult conversation, Steve suggested baths and that worked a lot better and soon enough Bucky was even using conditioner.

The panic attacks, the forgetfulness, the waking up and only knowing his name and number (even if it was in different languages) were all stuff Steve had delt with before and could deal with now. There was sometimes this frustration Bucky got when he said something in the wrong language or flinched at something menial but Steve learned to pretend as if it had never happened in order to get Bucky to calm.

However there still were some things that Steve could not handle like Bucky's constant self-deprecation and hatrid. Then there was the way sometimes described himself as a machine and mentioned getting upset or scared as 'malfunctions'. There was also the fact that his metal arm was obviously causing him some sort of pain but he refused to mention it or have it brought up. But the absolute worst thing that rendered Steve undoable to even handle himself was when Bucky had casually walked into the bedroom which was now Steve's bedroom since Bucky never used it and asked for a t-shirt. Because Steve saw the scars.

Scars everywhere and so varied and so intense that Steve's vision immediately blurred and he hid his face in his hands because there were real life people who had actually done that and why the hell did he keep on fighting to save humanity and humans when they did stuff like that to real life people. It hurt because Bucky was supposed to be like him, a messed up super soldier who could not be injured because despite the injury Steve's skin was always blank and unmarked. But Bucky had been decimated. It was not fair.

That night Steve barely even registered the dip in the bed beside him, or the warmth of someone else resting their head on his chest as Steve stared up at the ceiling crying and cursed the world. But that night was the starting point of recovery for both of them as they found their place in a world almost a hundred years out of their time surrounded by a society that had yet to prove they were any better than the one they had left.

Chapter Text

Everyone was pretty unnerved as they all sat at the dinner table waiting extremely impatiently for Steve to arrive. Last night they had all received a text from Steve asking if everyone was available for an Avengers dinner. This was weird because no one liked the Avengers dinners and Steve included and Tony was the only person to force them all to go once a month. Obviously the message had made everyone a little paranoid and therefore they all showed up...early.

In fact when Natasha got the message, she became so suspicious about the entire thing she stormed off to confront Steve. Twenty minutes later she was back in their suite ranting about how he was not even there and had been able to figure out he had not been living there for a month. This especially annoyed Nat because he had not told her he had moved out and her and Steve were supposed to be close, their whole taking down SHEILD thing really solidified a good friendship.

Whilst Natasha was definately not too pleased about having to chase after the Winter Soldier again (she claimed it was about the being shot thing but Clint was pretty certain there was something else) Natasha had delt with going on back on the hunt as a favour to Steve. Clint was worried that Steve had broken the small bit of trust Nat had given to him and that was pretty dissapointing since he was the first of the avengers she let in for once.

"Does anyone have any idea what this is about?" Thor asked glumly as he nursed a huge mug of beer.

Bruce glanced at Tony beside him, "Is it about-" Bruce jolted back, "Ow Tony!"

"Lets just wait and see." Tony sighed and from the way Nat had just tensed up beside him, Nat was going to kill Steve for letting Tony in on whatever secret the guy had but not her.

Finally everyone recognise the Steve's footsteps as he rounded in on them but as soon as he came into view it became extremely obvious that there was someone behind him who looked as happy to be there as the rest of them. Said person had long dark hair that obscured any oppertunity at having a good look at his face but he was wearing baggy grey sweatpants, an oversized blue hoodie and fluffy pink slippers. From first impressions he did not look like a direct threat but everyone still tensed as though preparing themselves for a fight...except Tony.

Steve cleared his throat, "So I'm sure everyone knows that a few months ago me and Nat set out to find the Winter Soldier and long story short." He grabbed the guests shoulder and pushed him out of the shadows, "He was here all along!"

The apparent Winter Soldier finally looked up from the ground, only to turn and give Steve a look so deadly that Clint then absolutely believed that the guy in comfy pjyamas had killed hundreds of people. Death staring Steve also gave everyone a good look at his face and holy shit Clint's drink must have been laced with something because he could have sworn that was James fucking Barnes stood a few feet infront of him. It took everything in Clint not to do a girly squeal and die.

Thor was the first one to speak, "Forgive me if I am mistaken, but I was lead to belive that the Soldier of Winter was an enemy?"

Then Tony spoke up before Steve could even open his mouth, "Turns out he was tortured and brainwashed into being the bad guy so everything's a bit grey but he's not an enemy."

"You knew." Natasha spat angrily, swivelling to face Tony.

Tony did shrink a little but he still managed to smile when faced with an angry Nat and said, "I was the one who found him."

"Anyway." Steve said loudly, "He would probably prefer you call him James."

Okay and then Clint gasped, which at least was not a squeal, "So I'm not on drugs and your actually Barnes? The James Barnes?"

James finally looked away from Steve and cocked his head to the side in confusion, did the poor guy not even know he was famous? Steve helped him out, saying in a extremely loud whisper, "Captain America and the Howling Commandos are sort of famous nowadays, like we're in history books and museums."

"I know that." James replied condescendingly to the Captain America because apparently it was not illegal to be rude to a national treasure.

Then Captain America scowled and shoved the Winter Soldier in the shoulder as if he were not the world's deadliest assassin and then whispered something that Clint actually could not hear which was not too surprising since he was deaf and all and his hearing aids only worked so well. However by the looks of things no one else heard it either, but whatever it was, it got James to speak.

"Yes thats me." He replied boredly.

Clint smiled, "I am such a-" And Natasha slapped her hand over his mouth to stop him from professing his undying love for the guy, which was slightly rude in his opinion.

Natasha had the most deadliest look she could muster directed towards James and then Clint became very glad she had taught him Russian as she said, "ты выстрелил мне в живот" (you shot me in the stomach)

James met the stare without even the slightest hint of fear, in fact he looked a little smug and maybe even annoyed? Clint whished he could understand microfacial expressions as well as Russian because James' face barely moved from permanent small frown.

"You are still an idiot." He told her unblinkingly and everyone, including himself, were not only surprised at what he had said but the implication that the pair must have known each other.

Natasha slammed her free hand down on the table "Меня нет и никогда не было. Я был лучшим в красной комнате, и ты говорила только тогда, когда называла меня идиотом. Почему?" (I am not and I never was. I was the best in the red room and the only time you spoke was to call me an idiot. Why?)

What the hell? Natasha knew James when she was being trained as an assassin when she was a kid in the red room? WHAT? Clint knew Natasha like the back of his hand, he had been the only one who stood by her as she recovered from the conditioning Hydra and the KGB had put on her as a young child to turn her into an assassin. He had been the one who stuck up for her when she joined SHEILD and believed that she was genuinely on their side. However in the brief mentions of her fucked up childhood, the Winter Soldier had never made a mention.

James scoffed in a way that made him seem extremely Russian, "Вы все еще идиот, потому что никогда не осознавали." (You are still an idiot because you never realised.)

"Realised what?!" Natasha shouted back and Clint felt bad for everyone else who was only understanding snippets of the conversation.

Still completely calm even though the black widow was looking at him murderously, James responded "Что я позволил бы тебе убить меня с первого раза, когда мы ссорились." (That I would have let you kill me from the first time we fought)

"ну ты не." (well you didn't)

James tsked like he was telling of a child and even Clint had to admit he was being a bit of a dick, "потому что вы сражались не с тем врагом" (because you were fighting the wrong enemy)

Nat reeled back and grabbed onto his hand which Clint held tightly because the Winter Soldier had just told Nat that he would have sacrificed himself for her if she had tried to escape and that was a lot (was James a threat to their relationship?).

Nat nodded her head slowly, "He can stay."

"What the hell just happened?" Tony asked loudly after a beat of silence.

James shrugged as he took the seat inbetween Steve and Tony, "I trained Natalia when she was young and Russian but she was an idiot and did not realise I was not fighting her."

Steve elbowed him in the side, "Table manners, Buck. Don't be rude"

James looked at Steve incredulously then leaned back on his chair and hummed, "Nope don't remeber that." Then he sat back on his chair, "Hydra must've burned that out."

Then Steve actually fucking snorted as if his friend had said something funny and not downright depressing, but Bruce nudged him and murmered, "They've both got Gallows humour from the war." Which made sense but was not a relieving thought.

"So you and Steve are reunited comrades from the war?" Thor asked and when James nodded, he smiled and raised his glass, "Ah many years ago an old warrior I knew called Lepig revealled himself to be alive so I understand the feeling, I am happy for you both."

Steve nodded, "Thanks Thor." Then he pointed out to the stacks of pizza, "Shall we dig in?"

Everyone started stacking up food on their plates, especially Steve and Thor who had literal superhuman metabolisms with the exeption of James who produced an apple from his pocket and placed it down on his plate along with a wierd sloppy white looking drink in one of those shake bottles that Tony kept his green drinks in.

Tony looked at James proudly which was wierd because everything was so usually a joke with the guy, "You can eat that?"

He shrugged, "Half, we've been going through natural fruits and some of them I can handle but thats it."

Tony frowned, "You ever thought about putting some artificial flavouring in your magic drink instead? At least that way you can enjoy something edible."

"Do what now?" Steve questioned, giving up on poorly pretending to not be listening to the conversation like the rest of them.

Tony groaned at Steve, "Seriously Cap, you've been melted for three years now. Artificial flavouring? Sauces? Sugar? You considered adding anything to that slop which keeps him alive?"

Steve looked like a kicked puppy and James looked midly intrigued which meant he was massively fascinated and Tony lead him off with the sloppy milkshake to go and try to make it taste nice. Once they were in the kitchen Steve started peering over his shoulder in an attempt to watch them and Natasha threw on of her pizza slices at his face.

"He's not going to disappear, chill out." She told him sharply.

Steve nodded grimly and then sighed, "I'm sorry about not telling you Nat, but I've kind of had a one track mind at the moment which isn't an excuse but its the best I've got."

Nat considered him a moment before offering a smile, "If I'm going to forgive James for shooting me, I may as well do you the same favour."

Grinning happily Steve went (probably) to thank her when Thor interrupted, "Will you be hosting a feast for your soldiers return?"

"Unless this is the feast?" Clint joked.

Thor frowned, "I should hope not! A feast of such importance needs mead and a fire and wonderous tales of battle."

"Not sure about the others but I definately have a few good war stories." Steve smiled.

Bruce chuckled "You sound like an old man."

"He's only 94." Natasha chastised sarcastically.

Everyone heard Tony reproach the table but once again even Natasha looked at James quizzically when he sat down which meant that Clint was not the only one who could not hear the guy. People were supposed to make noise when they moved around, even Natasha did from time to time but James was deathly silent. Whilst James then proceeded to tell Steve all about how his white slop now tasted like extremely sugary plastic strawberries, Natasha started to sign to him since it was the only language Thor did not understand.

'He must have been taught to be silent.' She explained, 'If he made noise he would not have been a ghost that did not exist.'

Clint would be lying if he said if he was not impressed by James talents but instead he decided to tell Natasha 'You looked sexy angry.' because that was funnier.

Natasha snorted and James scoffed, "And Steve says I have bad table manners."

Clint felt himself blushing because his childhood hero had just witnessed him flirting with his girlfriend at the dining table infront of his co-workers but all he managed to squeak out was "You understand that?"

"Yeah I-" Then James cut his sentence short, frowning and Clint heard metal whirring as he clenched his fists together tightly.

"You leaned it with Dugan because they sent a bunch of soldiers who had their ears blown out imto the 107th." Steve filled in because he was unsurprisingly a fucking amazing best friend which only made Clint slightly jelous of the pair.

James nodded slowly, "That sounds about right." And Clint realised the inordinate amount of trust James must have in Steve for him to take whatever the guy said about his memories at face value.

However Clint had to seriously contain his fangirling because when James had been a twenty year old kid in the middle of war he had used up his precious time to learn sign language in order to accommodate his deaf troops. Which was amazing because it had been the fourties and would have been more acceptable to treat the disabled guys like trash. History books had gone from hating the guy to loving him for being an early public figure who pushed for equality and Clint felt like someone needed to tell him that the stuff he had done was kind of amazing.

Sensing the sombre tone, Tony swiftly moved the topic of conversation onto Thor and asked him about his home world which he had only recently returned from. Everyone's attention seemed to flit right back to James every time that they thought he was not looking but Clint was pretty sure he noticed them all but just decided to not say anything. So clearly the guy did have some table manners.

Things took a turn for the worst when Natasha threw her table knife at Steve's face which James caught mid-air before giving her a severely dangerous glare, "What the fuck did you do that for?"

"Language." Tony called out with a proud smirk which made Steve roll his eyes and James briefly look at him before returning to death staring his girlfriend.

Nat shrugged, "Just checking you still work."

James lobbed the knife through the air and it clearly broke something metal that was on or maybe in the wall without even taking his eyes off Nat, "That would be none of your buisness Natalia."

"Its Natasha now." She replied with an undertone of annoyance.

"Hold up." Bruce interviened, "What did you break?"

Nat sighed, "A hidden camera." Then she waved her arm around, "Tony has them all over the place to keep Jarvis informed."

"I rarely ever check them." Tony said defensively but they all knew Tony's paranoia too well to believe the blatant lie.

"Nat I think you're swell but please don't throw knives at Bucky ever again." Steve interrupted and he sounded like Bruce when he was attempting to control his temper.

"So Steve." Bruce began cautiously, "What happened to those war stories?"

A small smile overcame Steve and he instantly looked more relaxed, "Oh well there was this one time we were headed to a base in Poland and..."

With the exeption of Thor everyone loved listening to Steve's war stories because they were the true versions of infamous tales they had been told since they were kids and Thor included shut the hell up whenever Steve was in a good enough mood to tell one. Apart from James whose actions were screaming 'I don't want to listen to this' so much it hurt. He was chopping up his apple so agressively the knife almost broke the plate and those slurps when he was drinking his shake were entirely unnecessary

Things hit the fan when James just sighed really loudly and Steve snapped, his story coming to an abrupt halt, "Do you fucking mind Buck?"

Did the Captain America just use a cuss word? Even Tony was loosing his shit, pointing Steve whilst he bounced up and down on his chair like an overexcited baby.

"Oh shit." Mr Captain America groaned once he realised what he had just done, and now even Nat was grinning.

James glanced around, "Whats up?"

"Whats up?" Tony repeated incredulously, "Whats up is that we just witnessed America's national treasure say a bad word!"

James glared at Steve who ducked away from the stare sheepishly, "It always seemed pointless to correct them."

"This is bullshit." Then James got up off the table and began to walk and as he left the room he grumbled something that only Steve's super hearing must have been able to hear because his ears turned pink.

"Well." Steve said, clearing his throat, "That could have gone worse."

Thor clapped his hands, "I like the Soldier of Winter, he too recognises the tiresome pettiness of humanity."

"Clint?" Steve turned to him a little desperately, "I know he probably isn't the guy you read about but I-"

Clint grinned and spoke the truth like he liked to do, "He's great and I absolutely have to have a marksmanship competition with him because being better than the Winter Soldier at shooting needs to go in my CV."

Natasha scoffed, "Oh honey, thats cute."

-----

The next day when Clint came down for breakfast he found James sat down on the sofa watching The Godfather whist Tony had a screwdriver in his metal arm. His expression looked slightly pained and his real arm was grabbing onto the sofa fiercely but he was letting Tony tinker away. It appeared as though he really was trying to pay attention to the movie but The Godfather was probably not the best distraction movie to watch whilst he was having open arm surgery.

Picking up the remote, Clint put on Finding Nemo instead, "Try this."

James gave him an approving nod which Clint could not help but feel a swell of pride upon recieving and then something in his arm clinked and James winced. "That was a nerve Tony, you just cut one of my nerves."

"Oh." Tony replied plainly, "Good thing its fixable."

James slammed his head back against the sofa, "Stupid fucking arm."

"You want a new one?" Tony asked with a mischevious grin.

James gritted his teeth together, "Not at the moment."

"I'm going to take that as a maybe." Then Tony turned his attention back to the arm but with a distinctly bigger smile, "Wait what can your arm, feel?"

"Pressure and pain." James recited automatically and mechanically.

Tony winced, "Pain they inflicted right, not if someone shot you?"

James made an uncomfortable sort of expression which was all the confirmation that Tony needed and Clint decided to help James out, "Anyone want some breakfast?"

"Green smoothie in the fridge." Tony called out.

James turned his head to the right slightly, "Four strawberries?"

Clint smiled, "Comin' right up."

-----

The next day Clint came back from a run in the afternoon to find Bruce and James playing cards on the dinner table. When he got closer, Clint realised that they were in fact playing poker and were using different pieces of fruit as betting chips. Barnes looked more alert than he had been with Tony yesterday because as soon as Clint entered the room, James visually did a dress down before looking back at the cards.

Bruce did not look entirely comfortable either but they were still playing cards and Clint's curiousity got the better of him, "Whats going on here then?"

"We're settling a debate." Bruce answered mildly.

"Oh really?" Clint asked because Bruce was literally the meekest and least confrontational Avenger so Clint was not sure how James had come to have a problem with him out of all of them.

"If I win, I'm correct in saying that all Doctors aren't awful bad people." Bruce told him tiredly.

Clint offered a sympathetic glance to James because unfortunately he understood the guys misgivings. Although it was not because Hydra doctors had experimented him and more down to the fact his childhood had been riddled with doctors and social workers asking invasive questions when someone at the circus dumped him at a hospital when his brother and their friends took it too far with the bullying.

"If it helps." Clint told James, "Bruce is mainly a science doctor, not the medical one."

James stared at Bruce for a long second before sighing, "A little."

Clint nodded, "So what's your bet for?"

"If I win, the hulk is better." He replied and Clint laughed because he thought it was a joke. The Hulk was a terrifying angry green monster who was a loose cannon on the battlefield and had only recently stopped looking at him murderously. Clint stopped laughing when he saw James' expression.

"You're not joking?" He asked, unable to help the way his voice got a little higher.

James shook his head, "The Hulk is nice, I like him."

"Okay." Clint said slowly and disbelievingly, "Well good luck to the both of you."

-----

Day three was the day that James approached him, Clint usually took breakfast in the communal Avengers area because Natasha woke up two hours before him to work out and Clint did not like eating all by himself in their fancy big kitchen. Clearly James had figured this out because he was sat on the kitchen table in a a blue t-shirt he knew was Steve's and black joggers with his the pink fluffy slippers Clint had yet to see him without.

James held out the chocolate cereal he always ate and said, "In case you haven't figured it out, Steve wants me to socialise."

Clint raised a curious eyebrow as he took the cereal, "And you just agreed?"

"He had to go to Washington for five days to meet with his friend Sam and he didn't want me to be alone so this." And he waved his hand around the common room, "Is for him and thats why I did it."

And holy shit, Clint was sure he had never met two best friends who loved each other like Steve and James because this was insane. Steve could not bear having his recovering friend spend any more time alone and the thought upset him so in order to keep him happy James had agreed to get to know his closest friends and co-workers. Did Clint need to get Natasha flowers or something because he suddenly felt pretty inadequate?

Clint started shovelling cereal into his mouth, "So whats the plan then?"

James watched Clint intensely, "You didn't check if I'd poisoned it."

"Oh." He said because that though had not even crossed his mind, "Should I have?"

James shrugged, "I do."

"Okay so plan for today," Clint tried again, "How do you feel about some friendly competition? I really want to see the best shot in the world in action."

A flicker of a smile passed across James' face, "Sure."

-----

James pulled a pistol out of the pocket of his joggers and just as he was about to shoot the target he glanced over at Clint and then took five big careful steps away from him. Then he emptied the clip and they all into the exact same mark in the targets head and then gave a small nod of approval at himself before putting the gun back in his pocket.

"What was wrong with this target?" Clint asked, motioning to the one he was stood beside.

James pointed at his ears, "Dangerous."

"Oh yeah." Clint sighed, slightly embarassed that he had forgotten to take his hearing aids out, "Usually I only go up here to use my bow and arrow which don't present the same threat to my crappy hearing."

"My troops were the same." James told him wearily, "Always forgetting that guns ring."

Clint pulled his hearing aids out and then grabbed a gun, then signed, 'winner gets to pick which weapon we use next.'

'Deal' He signed back and then leaned back casually to watch Clint shoot.

When they finished up, Clint was not even mad that James won because the guy was his childhood hero and competing against him was a win in itself. However Clint did decide to think of James as being 95 instead of 25 because it was less embarrassing than loosing to a guy you had ten more years of experience than.

Chapter Text

Clint spent his entire night recounting his day with James to Natasha who he was grateful could fake enthusiasm so well. They had both spent their childhoods looking up to James but under very different circumstances; Clint because James was the famous marksmen who looked out for the guys everyone else trod on (like him) and Natasha because he was the best assassin and her teacher she aspired to be as good as. Therefore they both had very different relationships with the guy but both like him, even if it was not too obvious (Natasha).

However Clint's late night stories of spending a day in the shooting range with James Barnes/the Winter Soldier who were both famous for their perfect shot meant that he ended up sleeping in and was only woken up by a knock at the door. At first he was annoyed because he was being woken up and then he was annoyed because he may have missed finding out about whatever bonding James was going to do with Thor. He knew the bonding was not going to be with Natasha because she was still in bed beside him.

Clint dragged himself out of bed and opened the door and then grinned when he saw who it was, "Peter."

Peter smiled back dopily and let Clint hug him, "Hey Clint, is Mama here? She wasn't in the gym."

"Oh shit." He sighed, "Yeah sorry about that, I kept her up late last night and we both forgot the day."

Peter turned red, "I don't think I needed to know that."

"No." Clint said urgently, "I was just talking Peter! You know how I get sometimes! I swear I just didn't shut up for hours and that was all-"

"Boys." A stern voice called out from the doorway to the bedroom and Clint needed to know how Natasha could still look intimidating in an oversized Spiderman t-shirt he had bought her as a joke.

"Nice t-shirt." Peter grinned proudly.

"Its Clint's" Natasha lied then she confidently strode forwards as if sleeping in and being late for training with Peter had been her plan all along. Then she hugged Peer fiercely and kissed him on the cheek, "Hey kiddo."

"Hi Mama." He smiled back.

The sight of Natasha getting to hug her son still made Clint feel warm and gooey inside ten years down the line. Upon her escape from the KGB/Hydra Natasha got her legal identity in the US working for SHEILD and then immediately went to find her son.

From what Natasha had told him, she had been seventeen, young and stupid and got infatuated with a boy whilst on a mission trying to kill his Uncle. When she got back, she realised that her she was pregnant and Hydra saw this as an oppertunity to make a second generation assassin. Natasha refused to let her child live that life and sent him off to the US as soon as she gave birth.

When she arrived in the US, Peter was 8 and living with his adoptive guardians May and Ben and luckily they were caring, good people who not only gave Peter an amazing upbringing but were understanding of Natasha's situation and let her have a part in her son's life.

Ten years later and Peter was 18 and in college, spending his weekdays with May doing his school work and then his weekends with them, training. Of course in the midst of all that he was also Spiderman which was a secret that Peter had tried and failed to keep from Nat when he was fifteen but underneath all the concern and overprotectiveness, Natasha was sort of proud (and a little amused) that the black widow had a spider son.

"Go have some breakfast with Clint then I'll be ready to do some training." Natasha told him then just as she turned around she added, "Oh and family dinner tonight."

Peter raised his brows, "Whats the big news?"

"Something very cool." He grinned back because he was absolutely certian their discussion was going to be all ablout James Barnes.

Peter skipped into the elevator as they headed to the common room, "Am I having a baby brother or sister?"

Clint stopped dead in his tracks, face going pale, "I fucking hope not."

Peter laughed good naturedly, "Cmon Clint you're both in your mid-thirties, its a reasonable assumption."

Clint pushed the elevator button agressively, "Nope Petey, just Nope."

-----

Clint had no idea what James had gotten up to with Thor but whatever had happened it put Thor in an amazing mood and James looked more murderous that usual. Unsurprisingly James was waiting for Natasha (the last of the avengers he had yet to spend a day with) in the common room because she always came up from training to say hi to Clint. However Thor was there as well, sat right next to James, grinning like a maniac.

When Natasha came up she sighed, "My turn is it?"

James nodded, "Da." (yes)

"Well." She said as she cracked her knuckles, "You up for some sparring?"

Thor clapped him on the back, "Ah yes James is a worthy opponent for such a talented agent like Natasha."

James glared at Thor darkly, "Didn't you say you had to go and visit Asguard today or something?"

"Of course." Thor boomed, "I am to see my brother, Loki, and I must tell my people of-"

James pushed him off the kitchen stool, "Bye."

Thor stood back up, completely unbothered, "Goodbye James."

"That was wierd." Clint chuckled. "Also can I watch?"

Natasha put her hands on his back protectively, "Of course hun."

James grumbled something under his breath but stood up and Clint was exceptionally pleased to see that he was still wearing his fluffy pink slippers for training with Natasha but was not sure how easy it would be to fight in a baggy t-shirt and joggers. Natasha could definately turn that into a weakness.

They were almost down to the training room when Clint remebered who exactly would still be in there and quickly pulled Nat to the side. Natasha recognised the worried look in his eyes and asked James to grab them some water and he noticed the need for a private conversation so complied.

"Peter is down there!" Clint whisper exclaimed.

Natasha's face softened from concern to a fond smile, "I know hun."

"You want to introduce him?" Clint questioned, extremely surprised, "To James?"

Even though Clint and Natasha had been living there for over a year together and Peter stayed with them every weekend, Nat tried to keep his contact with the other Avengers to a minimum. She wanted Peter to have a life outside of crimefighting and was so proud of how good he was at science, wanting him to have the oppertunity to pursue a real career like she had never gotten to.

Of course all the Avengers doted on Peter like they were his weird extended family whenever they saw him but Natasha had used her overprotective Russian Mama voice and held knives up to Tony and Steve's throats making them promise to hold off from asking Peter to join until he graduated college. Her hope was by then he would know to either turn them down or accept a part time offer like Sam Wilson had but she knew it was his choice.

Natasha sighed, "Look I never had any family, I was an orphan and then I was Hydra but I knew James my entire childhood. He's not family but he's the closest thing I have to it and I want Peter to meet him, to know a bit more about my life."

Clint hated that he so readily understood her because he had known Peter from when he was a tiny eight year old kid as well. And even though he was not his father, that mantle was taken by Ben, Clint did have a sense of parental protectiveness over the kid so sending him into training grounds with a barely sane ex-Hydra assassin did worry him a bit.

They had told Peter all about James last night over their family dinner, from the Winter Soldier and what he had done and him teaching Natasha to James Buchanan Barnes and how he was still that man but changed. Peter had been suprisingly accepting and understanding but, as usual, had a thousand questions by the time they were finished.

"Okay." He is what he said though.

Natasha kissed him on the cheek, "Dorogy." (sweetheart)

"You warned him about this didn't you?" Clint questioned as James neared up to them.

Natasha tsked, "Obviously."

-----

When they entered the room, Peter in the middle of a water break but Clint was pretty sure he had just made it look like that because he heard them coming. Peter eagerly skipped on over to them and James glanced at Natasha once before concentrating on Peter, sizing him up cautiously. Clint forced him to remeber the fact the guy had been tortured for years and was made to be suspicious because the thought of anyone thinking Peter was dangerous bristled him the wrong way.

"Nice to meet you James." Peter said, extending his hand, "My Mama told me all about you...yesterday."

"Pauk." Natasha admonished, using the nickname she had given Peter when she first met him which was Russian for baby spider. Clearly James was suprised by the nickname because he looked at Natasha slightly before shaking Peter's hand with his real arm.

James frowned and looked at Natasha, "He is thin Natalia. What do the Americans feed their children?"

That was definately the moment that Clint realised that whilst James Barnes definately used to a be a Brooklyn kid through and through, he was now also as Russian as Natasha, suprisingly that fact did not kill too many of his childhood memories of playing soldier as he had imagined. Clearly Nat had a similar thought process because she nudged the big lug and snorted, complaining about the legal drinking age in America in Russian.

"I'm an adult by the way." Peter spoke up, "Eighteen and a half."

A realisation sent Clint into tears of laughter which finally caught Natasha and James' attention, cutting short their conversation on the negatives of modern America. "What happened?" Nat questioned.

Clint had to catch his breath, "How old did Tony estimate you were?" He asked James who had only been told his estimated age, as in the years he had not been cryogenically frozen, by Tony a few days ago after he put some of James' cells under a microscope.

"Twenty five." He replied.

Clint laughed again, "Nat, you're ten years older than your teacher." Then he had to take another breath in between laughs, "James is closer to Pete's age than ours."

Obviously James did not like the idea of that, "Ninety five." He zeroed in on Clint, "I'm ninety five."

"Okay old man." Natasha dismissed, "Lets spar."

Peter squished up next to Clint, "I think I want to watch this too."

"Who doesn't?"

The first thing they did once they stepped up on the mat was remove the weapons they were carrying; Natasha taking out a gun, two knives and a host of electronic tasers whilst James removed a small weaponry that Clint had no idea where he even stored. Somehow in the process they had both removed clothing as well, leaving Natasha in leggings and a tank top and James in extremely short shorts and a t-shirt.

Natasha gave him a shark-like grin, "готовы?" (ready?)

"Da." and once the words left his mouth, Natasha kicked him in the face but James merely blinked.

The two started sparring so fast it was hard to keep track, feet and hands were flying around everywhere, Clint was suprised by James' agility since he managed to get some brutal kicks to Natasha but it was clear that he favoured his arms just as Natasha favoured her legs. After ten minutes or so of the pair sparring, Natasha jumped up, aiming to take him down with that thigh crushing head thing she did but James managed to throw her off.

Natasha landed on the floor with a soft thud and before she had the oppertunity to get up, James was on her, pinning her to the ground and Clint finally saw the guy smile. Despite that being the first time Clint had seen Natasha loose in sparring like that because James was obviously not using his super serum strength like Steve and Thor did in training, even Natasha smiled as James helped her off the floor.

"Maybe next time." She smiled good-naturedly.

James scoffed, "Never Natalia."

And apparently that was okay with Nat even though if anyone was even slightly as rude to her as James was or dared to call her Natalia, they probably would not be breathing anymore. Peter was sprinting across the room wildly.

"That was insane! Like the coolest thing I have ever seen in my entire life! Mama you were like over there and then James did that punch thing but you-"

"You train more Pauk and maybe you can have a go." Natasha smiled fondly as Peter handed her a towel.

Out of the corner of his eye, Clint saw James checking (what he presumed) was his phone and frowning so whilst Natasha and Peter discussed the fight, he made his way over to James. "Everything okay?"

James glanced up from his phone, "I'm running late."

"Late? For what?" He asked.

"Leaving." James replied plainly, "Moscow, I'll be back in two weeks."

Clint did not understand, "Steve comes back tomorow though?"

"He would never let me leave." James explained, "I did all this to prove to him that I'm okay and now I can go. He'll understand."

"I'm not sure he will."

"He will." James insisted and then he left and Clint did not bother embarrassing himself attempting to stop him.

-----

How the hell James had been right about Steve understanding was so far beyond Clint's brainpower that he stopped thinking for a couple of minutes. Steve had turned up the day after James left and was pissed as hell but not upset because apparently he completely understood why James had to continue taking out Hydra without him. It was madness.

-----

"I'm starving." A bedraggled James complained as he walked into the kitchen, white clumpy smoothie in his metal hand as he headed over to the cupboard Tony had stocked up with artificial flavourings for his drink.

And holy shit Barnes looked intimidating in his gear, especially when it was so obviously stained in blood. He pulled off his black mask and goggles, revealling a tired looking face which was sporting a thin red scar running through his eyebrow and just past his eye which Clint knew he had never seen before. James rolled his metal shoulder agressively and it made a wierd whirring sound and James just made a small grunt. Something had definately gone wrong, after all he was three days late.

Timing perfect as always, James had turned up on Avengers dinner night which meant they were all staring at him wordlessly but James ignored them all masterfully. The first one out of their chair was Steve but only to throw his breadknife at James' face which he easily dodged even though he had his back faced to Steve.

"You're fucking late." He said, words enunciated and full of anger that was attempting to cover the worry.

James stayed silent as he pulled of his boots and jacket to reveal a thin black t-shirt beneath it and then started to walk over to he table. Steve was still glaring but when James became within arms reach he visibly deflated and let James push him back down into his seat. Then James went and sat on Steve's lap like it was something to casual besties did and started sipping his drink innocently as if was daring someone to talk about it.

No one did.

"What happened?" Natasha decided on asking instead, "You're late."

James shrugged, "It was Moscow."

Natasha raised an impressed brow, "Did you finish your mission?"

"Yes." He replied plainly but there was definately something he was missing out on.

"What happened to the," Tony pointed to his own face, "Because I haven't seen that before."

James sipped on his drink and Steve leaned out to the left of him so he could continue eating their dinner which was Chinese takeaway and he also appeared to be acting as if Barnes was not sitting on his literal fucking lap. After making everyone wait a painful second James just said, "Blue guns."

Apparently Tony and Steve understood that because their 'I'm acting like I'm totally not concerned faces' stopped working for a moment. "Someone blasted you in the face with gun and all you got was a tiny scar?" Tony asked.

Shaking his head James elaborated, "It blasted my arm and some of it broke off and went in my face."

"I don't understand." Bruce interrupted, "I thought you had the super soldier serum, surely you can't scar."

Clint had seen his right arm (the not metal one) and James could definately scar, his arm had been littered with all sort of painful looking marks that made the few bullet wounds and knife scratches from botched Circus stunts look like bee stings.

"Stevie got the serum." James corrected, "I got a botched up crackhouse Soviet version which means I can heal but not completely, I'm strong but not the strongest and fast but not as fast as him."

Steve shrugged, "I don't know Buck, I couldn't catch you up on that roof."

"Thats because you don't train businka." He replied and Clint checked his hearing aids because he could have sworn that James just called Steve 'small bead' in Russian which was a wierd Russian term of endearment for loved ones.

Steve flicked his ear childishly, "Shut the fuck up, I'm still mad at you."

James honest to god smiled and then slurped up his drink with a smug little look of contention which Clint was not sure he wanted to know meant.

-----

For the next few of weeks no one saw much of either James or Steve, Natasha claimed she saw Steve at the punching bags a few times early in the morning, Tony said he had done some work on James' arm and Bruce swore that when he hulked out James had been there but that was it. Apart from that, there was zero evidence that they were living in the same building as them (which they were, Clint asked Jarvis).

Then one random evening Clint walked into the common room to find Steve snacking on popcorn as he watched the news with an asleep James sprawled out on the couch, his head nestled into Steve's lap. Clint barely even thought about whether he was intruding on their personal moment, he just pulled up an armchair and gave Steve a questioning look.

"Sorry." He said, understanding what Clint was trying to convey, "We had a lot that needed to be figured out."

Clint helped himself to some of the popcorn, "Oh yeah?"

Steve let out a burst of air that was sort of like a laugh but in a depressing way, "Yeah."

"Everything sorted?" He asked.

Steve looked down at James and smiled in a way that was so genuinely happy and Clint suddenly felt awful that it was the first time he had seen the guy smile like that. "Probably not, but its alright."

Natasha slid into Clint's chair, snuggling into his side, "What did you sort out?"

"A lot of guilt and feelings and trauma and all that..." Steve trailed off, "Buck ain't going off to take down Hydra by himself anymore, thats for sure."

"Is he okay?" Nat probed, "Moscow was where he was kept the longest, hurt the worst, it would have been more than traumatic to go back."

Steve rolled his eyes, "Yeah I figured that out the second nightmare he had after getting back. Buck can't get himself to talk about what they did to him, but we discussed the outline and I've read enough of those fucking files to get a clear picture."

All of a sudden Tony appeared and man spread all over the second sofa they had in the common room, "So you figured out ways to work through James' permanent and extensive trauma, discussed ways for him to deal with the guilt that came with what he had done and accepted the ways both of you have changed in years apart. Am I missing anything?"

"I don't check the hidden cameras my ass." Clint told Tony the invasive asshole who had totally been listening on their conversation since it started.

Steve glared at him for a moment, "I also felt guilty, I'm the one who didn't grab him on the train and I'm the one who didn't bother searching for him because I saw him fall." He took a moment after saying that, his eyes clearly watering up, "I'm the one who crashed the plane into the ice because I thought that would be the way back to him."

No one was suprised by that, even though the history books said it was a heroic decision to save the world, the facts spoke louder. Steve had been twenty one, a kid, just lost his best friend and had so many expectations and pressure thrust upon him as soon as he became Captain America. Everyone in America knew about the theory that Captain flying into the ice was suicide even if not everyone accepted it but really? He could have easily jumped out of the plane before it crashed, landed it on the ice and ran away, gotten out of the plane before it sank....

It was still painful as fuck to hear Steve admit that though.

Bruce appeared behind him, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder, Clint knew the guy had tried to do the same thing. The poor guy shouted about it during their first meeting. "You've got him back now."

Steve nodded, "And thank fuck for that, even when I had nothing I had Buck and spending those years without him...it was shit."

And now Thor was here, sitting comfortably in the middle of Bruce and Tony and the other sofa, "It is still wierd accommodating to your language."

Smiling weakly, Steve shrugged, "You all had these ideas about Captain America and it was easier to act like I was a patriotic asshole than Steve Rogers the kid made in an experiment who was too naïve to understand the dangers of war until his best friend died and learnt his lesson."

Clint sighed and shook his head, "We should have noticed."

Tony gestured to the space around them where they had all congregated, "We should have done this much earlier so we could've."

Steve looked down fondly at James, "We needed our missing piece for that to work Tony."

Tony glanced at Steve despairingly, "You want to make the Winter Soldier an Avenger?"

Steve scoffed, "You think he's just going to wave us off next time we leave on a mission." He glanced around the room at everyone, "Bucky's always been an asshole and if he spent a day with each of you, it means he likes you and that means he's got your back from now on, whether you like it or not."

Thor grinned, "I couldn't think of a more worthy ally on the battlefield."

"Be careful." Natasha warned Steve, "I think he's out to take your man."

Bruce tutted, "Have you seen any of the footage of the other guy recently? He asks for Metal or breaks down the door to find him."

Clint pointed at Tony, "And that guy develops a fully functioning muscular heart that only works for Barnes and his metal arm."

Tony rolled his eyes but did not bother denying it, "Says the spy parents who use him as their person trainer and wierd soviet bestie."

"Alright." Steve replied and he looked a little jelous, "I get it, you all love Barnes."

"Not as much as you Cap." Tony smirked.

Before anyone could say anything else on that matter, Steve picked up the remote and said, "Right so what movie did you guys say I had to watch again?"

And that was how movie nights became an instrumental part of life at the Avengers tower.

Chapter Text

After he had gotten back from his mission in Moscow things got intense, a lot of feelings, crying and panic attacks were happened but it was a barrier that needed to be broken between them. Pretending that things were fine as soon as they had each other again was unrealistic and disillusioned which were things the pair had both lost long ago. But they worked hard on their relationship and what they had been though, forcing each other to talk through it and somehow they came out on the other side.

Things were different, they were different but somehow they found their way back to each other despite the changes, just like after Azzano when Steve got big and Bucky got broken but they stuck together. Now there were more changes, mainly pertaining to Bucky and his nightmares and his eating and his sleeping and his memory and his paranoia...but Steve got nightmares too sometimes, he got upset and he got scared. It was a new normal and Bucky was proud as hell that they managed to work it out.

Especially when the reason hey stopped arguying after Moscow was thanks to the hate sex.

Suprisingly therapeutic but unfortunately not the answer to their problems, they both promised to work other things out before they went back into their relationship but they shared a bed and loved each other more than anything. So their relationship was paused for five whole days before they gave in and fell back into old habits, neither of them cared though, it was just the way they worked. Together.

The Avengers were cool too and even though one very teary night both he and Steve had admitted to each other that they would never be the Howling Commandos, they came in a close second. Plus Bucky felt pretty lucky that he got along with each of them in his own wierd way that did not rely on knowing Steve. Except from Bruce because he was a doctor and he preffered Hulk and Thor was only sometimes tolerable when he was not going on about what he had done when they spent the day together.

So far he had taken down some Hydra bases in the States with Natasha and Steve (ones that were in no way affiliated or even knew about the Winter Soldier) and helped Clint out on a surveillence type mission. Since Natasha had posted project Insight online, the Avengers were supposed to be more public with the press than ever and despite their insistence, Bucky refused to announce his membership.

He knew that Sargeant James Barnes was a war hero and he did not want to stain all the shit he had been through and done with the Winter soldier crap. Not only because the public reaction would be akin to a nuclear bomb of outrage and confusion but because he doubted his paranoia that Hydra had instilled into him would be able to handle having his true identity out to the public. It was an ongoing discussion that he was having with Steve and Tony but for now neither the Sargeant Barnes or the Winter Soldier were publicly joining the Avengers until he figured out what he wanted to do.

This was especially hard because Bucky was also still trying to learn that he was allowed to want things again and could make decisions for himself. Sometimes people would simply ask him a question or if he could do something simple like pass them a spoon but he would do it instinctually whether they wanted to of not. Of course they felt awful about the whole thing but Bucky would bet he felt worse, it was embarassing to be so obviously broken.

-----

"Ten strawberries!" Steve exclaimed an hour later when Bucky had yet to throw the food back up.

Bucky gave him a death stare, being as sarcastic as possible when he said, "Thanks babe."

Steve kissed him on the cheek as he went to store away the precautionary bucket they had set out just in case Bucky's stomach had not been able to handle it, "No problem."

Bucky pulled his gun on the unfamiliar presence who walked through the elevator, "Who the fuck are you?"

"Thats Pepper Potts." Steve answered sounding extremely panicked, "The head of Stark industries and Tony's best friend so put down the goddam gun Buck."

Taking Steve at his word he lowered the gun and grumbled, "This is why I tell you we should just stay in our own suite instead of the common room."

"Socialising." Steve sing-songed from the kitchen.

The woman in flip flops, shorts and a Stark industries t-shirt regarded him suspiciously for a moment before nodding at him military style which Bucky instinctually reciprocated. "So your the kid Tony's decided to adopt."

Bucky crossed his arms petulantly, "I'm older than you."

"I know Sargent Barnes." She replied smartly and patted his head before sauntering off to greet Steve. Bucky decided that he liked her.

All of a sudden Tony was running into the common room looking as though he was high on caffeine, "Barnes don't shoot my fucking friend."

"I'm fine Tony." Pepper shouted from the kitchen.

"Oh thank god." Tony sighed and as he moved into the kitchen he ruffled up Bucky's hair, "Thanks kid."

Bucky swivelled around in his spot on the couch, "I'm ninety five, this needs to stop."

"The thing is Buck." Steve replied smartly, "If you keep on walking around in your pink fluffy slippers, all wrapped up in that blanket which makes you look like a hot pink burrito. I don't think anyone's going to take you seriously."

Bucky held onto his blanket possessively, "I'm traumatised, its my trauma blanket. You can't make fun of me for it."

"I'm not." Steve replied holding his hands up, "Nothing wrong with looking adorable Buck."

Bucky scowled and before he had the oppertunity to throw one of his knives at Steve's head, Pepper stepped in, "So Tony says you're getting a new arm today."

"We are not talking about the arm." Tony replied moodily, "I've got a beautiful prosthetic all made up and Barnes has made me make an exact replacement of the arm he already has minus the red star and torture buttons."

Bucky frowned, "It was hard enough adjusting to this, I don't want to have to get used to anything else."

"Pressure Barnes! Pressure!" Tony despaired, "I could make your arm actually feel heat, touch, whatever and you only want to be able to feel pressure."

Even crossing his arms sent a shooting pain through the metal hunk on his left side but he did it anyway, "You agreed."

Tony have an exasperated sigh, "I know I did and you're lucky I like you but lets just get this over and done with."

Bucky got up and Steve went to follow, despite the conversation they had hours earlier, "No. I'll get Jarvis to get you if I need but you promised."

From the look on his face, Steve really wanted to kiss him there and then but neither of them had managed to get past the whole 'its not sodomy' anymore thing so he did not. "Okay Buck, see you later."

-----

Tony pulled up the schematics as Bucky made himself comfortable on a big pillow Tony had set up on the floor of his lab in order to make sure it was nothing like a metal table. His arm had just been soldered onto his shoulder blade and neither Tony nor himself were up for removing that so the plan was to cut the metal arm off from the shoulder, sort out the wiring and then solder on a new arm to the old metal.

They had no idea how much it would hurt because Bucky's arm did not hurt like a normal arm but Hydra had installed ways to make it hurt. Which was the current issue because someone at one of the very few bases Bucky had not decimated that he was kept in had flipped some fun little switches that 'punished' Bucky via his arm a lot. Tony had managed to get the worst of it, but it still hurt a lot so they had to change it. Unfortunately.

"Look Stark." Bucky sighed, "This may go badly and I remeber what it was like when Hydra worked on my arm...what I used to say and if-" Bucky took a deep breath but continued on because he had to warn Tony, "If I tell you to kill me, its- its just because I'm remebering."

Tony looked awful but all he said was, "Thats why you didn't let Steve in?"

Bucky nodded, "Its one thing in dreams but if I'm awake and saying that type of thing...It'll upset him and you may end up in hospital."

Tony managed a weak chuckle, "Okay fair point, I do not want to be punched by Steve without the suit on to take the brunt of the impact."

When the metal started cutting into metal, Bucky was relieved to find that he could not feel a thing but he quickly lost himself. Trapped inside memories of Hydra rather than being able to stay focused on Tony and what was actually happening to his arm. Sometimes he could see through the blur of tears and saw a concentrating Tony cutting through his arm and sometimes he saw himself strapped to a metal table with white coats standing over him.

Funnily enough the pain brought him out of the flashbacks, making him still and silent like Hydra conditioned him to remain for as long as possible when they tortured him. It was jarring to see himself without an arm again because the last time had been when it was sawed off infront of his face, but this time it was less grotesque because there was still metal where there had been bone and blood.

"Okay Barnes, if you can hear me, I've got rid of the nasty wires that were hurting you so now all thats left are the ones to make your arm work and the ones to give you pressure sense." Tony said but it sounded like he was mumbling the words in the distance, "I'm going to put the new one on now and it will hurt."

"No rubber." He faintly remebered himself saying along with other pleads and begs which he could not hear but knew he was talking.

Tony replied and he did not know what he was saying but it did not sound threatening and at this point Barnes was not sure how much control he had over his body so he just waited for the pain to come patiently. Finally it came and Bucky had expected to cry out and scream but it had been fine...he had been through so much worse. Even the pain that he had been putting up with for the past few days had been worse and Bucky was so fucking embarassed because what the hell had Hydra done to him?

Tony gripped onto his metal arm tightly and Bucky looked up from his knees which he had curled into once the process was done, "How are you?" He asked gently.

"I hated it." He mumbled, "I fucking hated the stupid metal arm, it was theirs, not mine and it meant they fucking owned me."

"Its gone." Tony told him determindly.

Bucky barley heard what Tony said, "Worst thing is I need it. I need the arm because without it I'm useless and even more broken than before."

"Barnes" Tony began concernedly but Bucky heard nothing else, the noise of his voice fading into a hazy background.

Bucky glanced at his metal arm that felt exactly like his old one, minus the pain but he was still too stuck in his memories to be lucid and tried to listen to Stark but then a different Stark blurred through his mind. Then Bucky Barnes remebered, he remebered more people he had murdered in cold blood but this time it was so much worse because these were Tony's parents and Tony had been good to him.

Blinking back tears, Bucky flinched away from Tony's touch, "You should have killed me when you found me."

"What?" Tony exclaimed, "Come on Barnes, thats ridiculous."

"No no no no no no." He repeated growing further into a state of panic as he pushed himself further in the wall and away from Tony.

"Hey." Tony called out gentley, "Whats going on Barnes, you need me to get Steve?"

"No." He said more firmly this time, "But Tony you really should've killed me, I did something so so bad and you'll hate me and I hate me and I-"

"Barnes," Tony interviened, "What did you remeber?"

Bucky looked up at Tony's face and it was concerned for a piece of shit like himself, "I killed them Tony." He got choaked up and clung to himself tighter, "Howard was my friend and I- why did I- how could I-. I'm so sorry Tony, you really should've killed me."

"I know what you did Barnes." Tony told him calmly, "That was why I went after you in the first place but then I got to know you and I couldn't- I don't blame you."

Barnes could not stop crying, "You should."

"Never, I pr-"

Now he was shaking, "No Tony you can't make promises because they always break and then you do and I just, I can't-"

Tony sighed, "Barnes you need Steve right now, I'm going to get him."

Barnes was too scared to disobey, they would punish him for disobeying or disagreeing, wouldn't they? He didn't care, Bucky just wanted to go away, so he hid in on himself and ignored the way his breaths got shorter and his body got more shaky.

-----

"Bucky." A familiar voice broke through his haze there was a pained sigh and then, "Bad day?"

Whatever was sitting beside him, Bucky turned into it, burying himself in the warmth and allowing himself to be engulfed by it. Feeling slighty better when the black, blue, red of his unconscious came back to swallow him up whole.

-----

Unfortunately when Bucky woke up a couple of hours later, lucid, he was able to remeber everything that had happened and cringed at how badly he had completely freaked. He lifted his head up off Steve's lap and carefully took his arm of his back, being careful not to wake Steve up in the process. That was when he saw Tony tapping away at a tablet, the blue light from the screen being the only thing that illuminated the room.

Bucky sighed, his voice cracking a bit when he tried to talk, "Tony I don't-"

"Barnes." He interrupted suddenly and he looked suprised enough for him not to have noticed him waking up. His face was stern when he asked, "Can I hug you?"

"What?" Bucky replied, remaining quiet and extremely confused.

Tony got out of the seat and Bucky could tell the poor man looked awful, "Look I tried to kill you for murdering my parents and at first when I saw you, you looked scary and dangerous and I was ready." He took a breath stepping forwards, "Then I noticed you were strapped down so hard your wrist was snapped in two and you looked so utterly broken and hopelessly lost but I still got my gun out."

Now Tony was crouching infront of him, "And then you leaned in, begging me to end it and I looked in your eyes and you were so fucking young it wasn't fair." Continuing Tony said, "So I brought you home, planning to lock you away and throw away the key or something but the longer you stayed the more I learned you were just super fucked up and had only gotten to see the absolute worst of humanity."

"Then you spat at me, expecting to be dangerously punished because you thought I was Hydra and I realised you weren't even broken. You were still fighting and thats the most crazy thing about all this." He sighed again, "And I hated you and then I disliked you and then I disliked myself for finding you bearable and then I read those files and then I read some more and Bucky you didn't want to do any of that crap and sure you may have killed them but you were just a gun to Hydra."

"And you're not a fucking gun to anyone here, you're an actual real life person who just so happens to be a bit of a dick." Then Tony paused, "But basically I don't blame you and ever since I saw those files I just wanted to hug you because you didn't deserve any of that, especially since you are such a good guy."

Then Tony just lunged forward and pulled Bucky into a fierce hug that was not warm and cuddly and soft like Steve but big and meaningful and Bucky just went completely limp and started crying again because Stark had a really big heart even if it was stupid and blue. And Bucky did not deserve forgiveness but here he was being given it.

-----

Steve had to help him in the shower the next day, it was not romantic or cute, Steve had to drag him into a lukewarm shower (no steam) and wash him. He was barely responsive and stuck inside his own head, trying to process everything that had happened. But he was covered in sweat and tears and he smelled and it was bad for him to stay like that so Steve had to help him shower.

Bucky felt like such shit that he could barely stand up and spent the majority of the wash leaning against Steve and letting him keep him upright by holding onto his waist. Steve talked to him, told him about some new food he had tried recently, a woman he had seen with rainbow coloured hair, that he had taken Natasha's dog Lucky on a walk but all of it just sounded like a blur of noise to Bucky. However his body trusted Steve and that was enough.

Steve dried his hair by rubbing a towel on his head and he paused to kiss him on the head, that pulled Bucky out of his thoughts and made him blink up at Steve for a moment before he got wrapped up in his own head again.

They spent the day on the balcony because Bucky liked it out there, Steve dressed them up warm and set out some pillows by the edge for them to sit on but Bucky just put his head on Steve's lap and lay down instead of sitting. It came more naturally to him and was more comfortable. Steve had his sketchpad out and drew with Bucky lying under his arms cuddled up in his blanket and watching the city go by.

"I killed Tony's parents." Was the first thing he said as the sun started to set over the city.

Steve did not stop his drawing which meant he was not suprised, "I know."

"What do you think?"

"I think its scary how mad I got at Tony when he admitted to what actually happened when he found you and why." He replied calmly.

Bucky sighed, "He said he did not blame me because that would be the same as blaming a gun. He said Hydra made me into a weapon but I'm not any more."

Steve stopped drawing, "I think that Tony is an asshole but clever and although I hate it, he's right. Hydra called you an asset, made you only listen to orders." He stopped to take a shaky breath, "They made you into a weapon."

"I can still do the things they taught me though."

Steve started running a hand through Bucky's hair, "But you use them in different scenarios and thats whats important."

Maybe Steve was right. Bucky wanted him to be, but he could not accept what he was saying just yet. He loved Steve and trusted him completely, it was just himself he had the issue with.

"You were what was missing" He said thoughtfully.

"Huh?"

Bucky fiddled with a loose strand on Steve's joggers, "No matter what they did Hydra could not get rid of a malfunction I had where I knew something was missing. Sometimes I would check my six in the middle of missions or look around for something I knew I needed. It was an unconscious error Hydra tried and failed to fix."

The 'I was missing you Stevie' remained unspoken because it was too heavy to say and they both already knew it.

Steve was quiet for a while but Bucky heard him sniffle then finally he said, "It was probably your arm."

And for the first time in fucking years the pair of them actually properly laughed, making Bucky feel more alive and warm than he had all day.

-----

Sometimes Steve would forget that Bucky had super hearing too and grumble an insult under his breath when he moved around in bed too much or would sing in the shower with the door very firmly locked because he had an awful singing voice. But today was one of the best moments so far, Bucky and Steve had been sat on the sofa in the common room watching yet another Disney movie as per Clint's request when Steve rushed over to Natasha in the kitchen when she went to get more snacks.

"Nat what does bushinca mean?" Steve asked in a low tone.

Nat almost spat out her drink in amusment, "Do you mean businka?"

"Yeah that sounds about right." He replied after genuinely thinking about it for a moment.

"Small bead." She replied.

"Small bead." Steve repeated, slightly dumfounded, "A small bead?"

Bucky heard the way that Natasha smiled, "Yep."

Deciding to make sure Steve got even more confused about the nickname he had given him, Bucky decided now was a good time to interrupt, "Наталья, принеси, можешь принести мне настоящего напитка, если мне придется еще посмотреть этот странный фильм про машину?" (Natalia bring can you bring me a real drink if I have to watch any more of this wierd movie about a car)

Clint hissed, "Don't diss Cars, its an iconic movie Barnes!"

"I don't even think I've seen cars like that before, its stupid." He replied.

Clint frowned, "Thats because when you were a kid everyone still rode horse and carts."

"Says the ex-circus lackey." Tony chimed in.

"может твой желудок даже справится с водкой?" Natalia asked. (can your stomach even handle vodka?)

Bucky sighed, "просто скажи Стиву его вода." (just tell Steve its water.)

Thor, the literal god who spoke all languages because he was a god, tutted, "You sound like my brother."

"I like the sound of your brother." He replied.

"His brother tried to ruled earth and killed eighty civilians." Bruce spoke up.

Bucky grumbled under his breath "Weak."

Steve smacked him round the back of his head, "You're a jerk."

"What did he say?" Natasha asked as she set down a glass of water beside Bucky, giving him a sly wink.

Steve squished himself up next to Bucky on the couch which they had claimed for themselves because they were two big super soldiers who sprawled out like lazy cats. "Nothing good."

On screen music started up and a montage of cars driving on roads started playing so Bucky took a big sip of a drink which gave him a familiar burn to the back of his throat. "I prefer bikes."

"Yeah I wonder why." Steve mused sarcastically as they both thought back to Steve's bike in the war and Bucky clinging onto to his back, enjoying being allowed to lean into him over open roads in the middle of Europe.

Bruce leaned over, "You prefer riding motorbikes?"

"Nah I learnt how to drive with Hydra so can barely remeber how." Bucky replied, using the Hydra card in order to cease any more questions.

Obviously Steve caught onto that because he whispered, "You are so mean."

"Shut up busnika." He whispered back.

Steve clenched his jaw and Bucky watched in amusement as Steve tried to navigate the use of a mobile phone in order to figure out what he meant. Fortunately Steve was trying to search up 'what does busnika mean' in the app store so Bucky figured he had a few more days of messing with him left.

The traces of an amused smile faded fast when a blaring alarm sounded through the common room which had everyone up on their feet within an instant. Bruce announced he was headed to the quinjet, Tony's suit was flying onto him, Clint and Natasha had rushed out of the room and Steve. Steve was stood right infront of him, heavy hands on his shoulders.

"You sure you want to come, Buck?" He asked and Bucky felt like he was in that bar in London all over again.

Bucky smiled, "Someone has to have your six Rogers."

Steve gave a tight nod and grabbed onto his hand, pulling him over to the stairs, "Then hurry the fuck up and get your kit on."

Getting changed took under thirty seconds thanks to Hydra's teaching methods which meant Bucky had the absolute pleasure of watching Steve try to squish himself into his little spangled outfit. Then Steve got his shield and Bucky got his rifle and they ran off.

"You ready?"

"With you? Of course."

Steve blushed and pulled him in for a quick kiss as they ran to the quinjet, "You are such a sap."

"At least I'm not a punk." He replied back and urged Steve onwards, knowing that he lacked the self restraint to do it himself.

"Jerk."

Chapter Text

Peter had programmed his phone to alert him whenever there was news of the Avengers heading out on mission. Today he had been in the middle of a Physics lecture when the alarm rang so he quickly excused himself and pulled up the footage on his laptop, watching it in private in an empty storage cupboard where he knew he would not be disturbed.

From the shaky news cameras Peter was watching from, he could see a bunch of angry looking red aliens with spears and a spaceship that had crashed into a building .Thankfully, Iron Man and Thor where working on getting people out of the wreckage.

The next supers he caught sight of on the grainy footage were Black Widow (his Mom!) and Captain America who appeared to be taking on the aliens that were trying to harm the civilians. Then Hulk appeared crashing down on another pile of aliens still advancing.

Peter shook his head in wonder, not only were all the Avengers amazingly talented soldiers who were impressive to watch but Captain America was notoriously the best military tactical planner America had ever known. After all there was a reason that none of the Howling Commandos died taking down all the HYDRA bases (even Barnes only officially died on an extra retrieval mission of Arnim Zola). Therefore their organisation and thoughtful planning made their powerful fight back look easy.

Around the Avengers, multiple Aliens were just dropping down to the floor and Peter was pretty sure that would be thanks to Hawkeye, like usual, however there was a chance it could have been James. His Mom had mentioned the guy came along on missions now.

Within thirty minutes the majority of Aliens seemed to have been taken out and the civillians had been cleared from the area. In fact things looked so sorted that Peter was about to head back to class when the news reporters on his laptop started screaming about Captain America being taken down.

Glancing down at his laptop hurriedly, Steve saw at least thirty of the red guys rounded up on Captain America with their pointy sticks. It was a feeble attempt at causing some destruction when they had already lost the fight but Peter was still pretty terrified because through the midst of all the red aliens were covered in red blood. A lot of it. And they bled grey.

That was when James (the reporters were calling him an unknown assailant) literally jumped off a roof and landed on a few of the aliens. It took less than a minute but James just pulled out a couple of guns and shot the majority of them, two or three to each bullet, and then punched through the remaining survivors. It was clinical, efficient and terrifying because he had just killed a small army like it was nothing.

-----

Journalism and Thermo-nuclear physics was an odd choice of degrees but thats what Peter was passionate about so he stuck with it. Of course the journalism aspect of his education was skyrocketed with the help of his Mother who let him have full access to Avengers press conferences to write about in the school newspaper.

This one came a few days after the alien invasion and the same question was on everyone's mind; who the hell was the new guy? He had clearly been on the Avengers side, he had dragged Captain America into the quinjet whilst his guts were hanging out and killed a bunch of aliens on camera but no one knew who he was.

Peter obviously knew the full story but he was pretty curious about what James had decided to tell the public, how much of his past he would actually give away. The chatter of reporters suddenly silenced as the Avengers made their way up to the press table and Peter was pleasantly suprised to find everyone there. All standing and looking completely fine.

Bruce perched himself on the seat nearest to the exit and Thor sat beside him. Then Clint and then Natasha and then Tony and then Steve and then right at the end James, in his Winter Soldier gear, took the last seat on the table.

He kicked up his feet and leant back casually, scanning over the crowds and making them all feel a bit uneasy with the obvious threatening murder eyes he was giving them. He had his goggles pulled up on his head to reveal his eyes, but that black mast was still tightly attached to the bottom of his face.

Captain America looked over at James with his stern, 'I'm dissapointed you' look that made criminals stop in their tracks and consider starting up a non profit organisation to save orphaned children. Peter had watched Tony and even his own Mother rethink their choices and decisions with that look but for some reason James Barnes was apparently immune to the sternest look in the world. In fact he glared back and Captain America was the one to back down and face the press first. Best friends was clearly the tip of the iceberg.

Right guys can we have a bit of quiet in the studio." Tony spoke into his mike, he was wearing his Iron Man suit since the rest of them had all arrived in their gear but his helmet was proudly set out on the table. The room went dead silent, the only noise was a scribbling of a pen or the click of a camera and Tony smiled, "Great, Cap do you want to take it away?"

Captain America nodded, "Right, we have all decided to call a press conference today to announce our newest member of the Avengers." He glanced over at James and waited until the guy gave him the smallest of nods that Peter was sure most of the reporters would have not even noticed, "The Winter Solider."

There was a hectic flash of cameras and the voices rose up like a tidal wave, Tony had to stand up dramatically and shout into the hall in order to get everyone to shut up. Once they were quiet enough, Tony suggested they take a few questions and as predictably as ever he just pointed at the hottest woman with her hand up.

"So far this Winter Soldier is the most secretive member of the Avengers. All we've been given is a code name and not even a face. Will the public get to know the identity of this new member?"

Clint smiled into the mike, "You don't know my name, what does that matter?"

Steve took over before Clint's smart comment started getting replied, "The Winter Soldier has chosen to keep his anonymity for now and I hope you respect that. As a man who has his entire life in books and museums I can understand the want to stay out of the public eye, especially when your day job is something like ours. Can't you?"

No one disagreed with Captain America, not even the press. They may push for information and try to get in as many uncomfortable questions as possible but if Captain America lectured you, you shut the hell up and accepted it as law. The guy was more important than the president for fucks sake.

They took another question, "People are wondering about the Winter Soldier's history, his skill set, his abilities. Whilst we all saw him in action a couple of days ago, people want to know how he managed to join the Avengers in the first place."

"He's an old friend." Captain America and Black Window said in unison, the pair turning to each other and smiling.

"Its complicated but we both knew him at different times and thats why it was so easy for us to trust and accept him onto the team." His Mother elaborated.

This time the question was met with uproar as people started to pry for more questions but once again Tony stepped in and called for another question, "I would like to circle back to the previous question, no one has mentioned the Winter Soldier's skill set?"

Thor grinned, "Ah the Soldier of Winter is a mighty warrior, fierce and noble and strong!"

Tony sighed, "What Lightning McQueen is saying is that the Solider is a little bit stronger than most humans and is a skilled fighter on par with Black Widow. I can promise you he's more than good enough to help keep this world safe."

Then for the first time since the beginning of the conference James actually spoke up, well actually he scoffed through the mask which everyone heard loud and clear but then did not say a single word and dutifully ignored the angered glares from the other avengers.

"Next question?" Captain America asked hopefully, trying to move on from the tense atmosphere James had created.

"Whats with the arm?" Someone shouted out over the rest.

The Captain genuinely frowned, "Even in the war soldiers had the decency to not ask or ask politely about another's injury."

"Yes you?" Tony shouted out and pointed at Peter pleadingly because they always called on him whenever they got into a tough spot.

"Is there anything the Winter Soldier has to say?" He asked, "Any statements?"

James glanced at him briefly before leaning into the mike, "My name is James, if people start shouting my codename at me whilst I'm fighting I may get it mixed up with whatever the fuck Captain smartass is telling me to do and I don't want to have to stuff his guts back in again."

The room went deathly silent and all of the Avengers bar James went pale. From the sounds of things they had definately not prepped him for a press conference.

-----

The next day the Avengers had a follow up press conference after cutting their last one short, this time only Steve, Tony and James showed up. Peter had done a lot of thinking about yesterday once it finished up and he realised that James had to have known what he was doing because the Howling Commandos were interviewed a bunch on the radio over the couple of years they were active. And that stuff had to have been censored a shit ton, so he definately knew how to behave.

To be honest though, the bad language and honest remarks had only gotten James a surge of popularity within the public eye as someone who was honest and did not bother with bullshitting just to keep others happy. And Peter understood where he was coming from; the guy was ninety-five and had been a POW for seventy of those years or something, James could do whatever the hell he wanted for all Peter cared. He definately deserved a bit of a break.

Anyway the second press conference confirmed Peter's suspicions that James was taking the piss because he arrived sans the gear. Unlike Captain and Iron Man who were wearing their suits, James had his long hair tied back in a messy bun, an grey hoodie that was so big it hid his hands, black joggers and pink fluffy slippers. The Winter Soldier had worn pink fluffy slippers to the press conference and proudly thunked them down on the table as he had done yesterday with his much more intimidating combat boots. The only thing that made him recognisable from yesterday was his black mask still firmly fitted to his face.

Captain America cleared his throat despite the fact that none of the reporters were even talking, they were all too speechless because of James. "Sorry about the abrupt ending yesterday, we forgot to give the Winter Soldier, er- media training."

James leaned forward a little but just grabbed the mike sat on the table and brought it up to his face, "I apologise for my crude and disrespectful language."

Everyone waited for him to say something more on the matter but apparently that was it, Peter could tell that Tony was barely supressing an eyeroll but somehow he managed to press on, "Questions?" He just waved his hand at the back carelessly, "Yeah, you?"

"Due to the nature of conversation yesterday, we were wondering what the Winter Soldier- sorry- James' opinions on the Avengers were?"

"White." James replied bluntly.

"What?" Tony asked, visibly confused as to what the hell James was on about like everyone else.

James shrugged, "Its the twenty first century and everyone claims that things have changed but the poster team for the defenders of the word are mainly all old white guys."

Oh my fucking god Peter was witnessing the Sargeant Barnes in action right in front of a crowd of crazy reporters because he had read about the guy in history books all the time and how he had become all the minority's favourite white guy because he treated his troop equally despite their race, religion or ability. And it was kind of amazing to see that it was true. That James really just was a decent guy who truly believed in equality.

Tony looked mortified.

After the reporters stopped screaming, no one said anything until Peter noticed Captain America kick James from under the table which got him talking again, "But I like them all. Good fighters. Good people."

Tony picked another reporter, "James, there are people speculating your credibility, claiming that you are a murder and dangerous. What do you have to say to that?"

"Well you watched the footage of that invasion." He replied, "I'm pretty sure none of the Avengers were putting those freaky red little shits to sleep."

Tony slammed his head into the table and Steve shook his head despairingly. Peter? He was having one of the best days of his life.

Peter watched as James' attention drifted away from the frenzied reporters to the front row. Sometimes kids from charities like make a wish and stuff would get access to press conferences when there would be multiple Avengers they would be guaranteed to meet once it was all over. Today there was a small boy in a wheelchair and a girl which huge pigtails who was sat on her mother's lap and enthusiastically waving to James.

He waved back.

Apparently the girl was deaf because she started signing and thanks to having Clint around for most of his life Peter understood her when she said, 'You're my new favourite Avenger.'

Then James signed back (because what couldn't the guy do!) 'Thank you.'

The adorable girl grinned so wide it was as if James had hung the bloody moon for her and the parent on her lap looked pretty astounded too. However the girl quickly signed back, 'Can I ask you a question.'

'Sure'. James signed in reply and then he lifted the mike back up and signed whilst talking, "I'm taking my last question from the lovely lady in the front." Then he nodded towards her, "Go ahead Ma'am."

Grinning wildly she said, 'You can call me Lily and my question is why are you wearing you pjyamas?' She let out a cheeky laugh at the end which meant she knew what she was doing.

But James' eyes crinkled and Peter just knew the guy was smiling under there, "Lily just asked me why I'm wearing my pjyamas." Making sure to sign every word he spoke as he informed the press.

"Christ." Tony muttered into his mike, obviously already completely defeated by the crash and burn of the press conference.

"Well Lily," James answered, "I fought for our county in the war but unfortunately the bad guys caught me for a bit and weren't very nice to me. So sometimes I get sad or angry or scared and wearing my pjyamas makes me feel a little better."

He wriggled his feet in his fluffy pink slippers and shot a wink at Lily who smiled back and signed, 'you should try jelly, thats what my mommy gives me when I feel sad'.

James nodded, not translating the end of their conversation to the press, 'thanks for the advice Lily'.

-----

Clint held up one of the papers with a devious grin on his face, all of the Avengers were sprawled out in the common room reading the suprisingly positive feedback James had recieved from the feedback. His re-do had only gotten him more popular.

The article that Clint had found read 'Captain America watches new teammate fondly as he communicates with deaf guest at press conference' and there was a picture of Steve giving James the biggest heart eyes Peter had ever seen plastered all over the page. James immediately snatched it from Clint and showed Steve, the pair speaking in concerned whispers.

"Thats not a bad thing." Peter told them because it really did not seem like they saw it that way, "They're just insinuating something for attention, being into dudes if your famous is totally fine now but also massive gossip."

Steve frowned, "I know its fine, I've never had a problem with it, despite what everyone seems to think."

"Its not that we thought you were homophobic." Tony pointed out, "Its just that America and the fourties definately were...and you kind of represent those things."

Steve crossed his arms defensively, "Gee, thanks." He replied sarcastically.

Apparently though because Peter had awful social skills he thought now would be a good time to say, "You know there are theories about you two being together romantically." He told them, "Because you guys were super close as kids and an old sketchbook of Steve's they found had loads of drawings of James and-"

"Right." James cut him off sharply, "I have got to get my hands on our old stuff."

"What?" Bruce questioned midly horrified because everyone knew that most of Steve and James' stuff had been passed down to the Museum and taking stuff from a museum was a definate no in Bruce's books.

James shrugged, "I want my shit back."

"Can I come?" Clint asked, jumping up from a pile of newspapers.

"мы уходим сейчас, так что поторопись." (we leave now, so hurry) James grumbled and Clint ran after him like a puppy.

Thor glanced over at Steve, "You will not join your warrior on this journey?"

"Stealth isn't my thing." Steve replied nonchalontly, then added, "Or stealing."

"But if your boyfriend does it, its okay?" Natasha replied amusedly.

Steve sat back in his chair and scoffed, "He never stopped me from picking fights when I was an angry stupid kid so I won't stop him stealing some old letters when he is an angry stupid and slightly older kid."

Either Steve had missed the boyfriend quip or ignored it but both of those options were much better than him getting all defensive about it. Peter swung both ways (get it?!) and so what if he knew his Mother was testing the waters with her co-workers to check what their reactions would be if he brought back a boyfriend one day? That was why he bloody loved her.

-----

It was so much later on that Peter was not sure if it was late in the night or early in the morning but all he knew as that it was dark outside and he was tipsy on the wine that Tony had thought to serve up a couple of hours ago. Unfortunately himself, Tony and Bruce were the only ones feeling the effects because his Mother was Russian and Steve and Thor had super metabolisms or whatever.

The elevator dinged and Clint and James emerged, a box under each arm. They set the boxes down and then James pulled his black hoodie off in order to reveal his pink t-shirt underneath before he pulled the boxes nearer to Steve.

"Breaking in was easy." Clint informed everyone, "The hard part was going through all the storage, trying to find the boxes with the right stuff in."

James pointed out the four boxes they had carried up, "Clothes, junk, books, wierd shit."

"Whats in the junk box?" Tony asked curiously as he pulled it closer towards him.

"Mainly plates and cups that aren't even ours we didn't have enough shit to pack up into one of these boxes."

Steve laughed, "I was about to say Buck, I don't remeber being this rich."

"Rich?" Peter squeaked, "Thats four boxes?"

"We grew up in the depression kid," James informed him, "If I found that cardboard box I when I was a kid I would have ripped of the sides to give to Stevie for drawin and used the rest to mix in with food so there was more to eat."

Natasha sighed, "Fuck James, thats depressing."

Steve smirked, "They gave it that name for a reason."

"What is in the 'wierd shit' box?" Thor asked.

James pushed the box over to him, "The leg of Steve's old chair, one of his old shoes...let me know if you find something good."

Thor nodded diligently and began carefully unpacking and Peter craved to know how in the hell James even got the god of thunder to like him so much he did whatever the guy asked.

James opened up the clothes pile and held up a small white cloth that was practically see through and looked like it was for a child, "This was Steve's old undershirt."

Steve blushed red, "Buck don't show everyone my undershirt!"

"How old were you when you had that, ten?" Bruce asked.

"Try seventeen." James grinned and then smelt it, "Woah it even smells like tiny Steve."

Steve snatched the top away from him, "Shut up, I smelt the same after the serum."

"Nope I just told you that to be nice," James argued, "When you were little you always smelt a bit more ill and sniffly."

"Piss off Bucky, you were never nice about me changing because I coulda died." He retorted with a petulant frown.

James ignored Steve and rummaged around in the clothes box, muttering about how half the stuff weren't theirs until his face lit up. "Stevie! You reackon you could still fit in these?"

Peter clasped a hand over his mouth because James was holding up an old pair of Steve's boxers and Steve had gone the shade of a tomato. However his Mother remained unaffected, "How did you know what they looked like?"

"I lived at Steve's more than my own." He answered.

Steve nodded, "He had to earn his keep, washing the clothes and stuff."

James glanced at Steve in confusion, "I did?"

Steve jerked his head over to Natasha and then shook his head, James did something with his eyes and Peter had no fucking clue what their wordless conversation meant but figured that James had missed Steve's sarcasm in his last comment. Taking the box from James, Steve set aside a few jumpers that looked like they were only a little bit too small for James but said nothing about it. Peter figured that maybe James had not remebered they were his.

"And the last one?" Clint pressed.

"Steve's sketchbooks." He replied but did not open the lid, "Mainly anway."

Steve recognised the melancholy in James' tone, "What's wrong?"

Before James could reply Thor held up a small metal tin with an S and B scratched into the top, "Does this hold any meaning."

"Fuck." Steve swore, "Do not open that tin, oh my fucking shit."

Thor raised a brow, "Are you keeping a kelgamite in there?"

"No." Steve replied, sounding increasingly panicked, "But I can guarantee you its worse."

James scratched his head, "Stevie that aint ringing any bells for me."

Steve glanced around the room and sighed reluctantly, "Erm remeber what we kept secret?" James nodded, his confusion seeming to grow, "And that we hid the stuff we needed to-"

"Oh fuck." James interrupted.

Tony stopped rummaging around the box he had taken, "Is it drugs, have you got a hundred year old drugs in that thing?"

"Yes." James said at the exact same time Steve said, "No."

"Open it." Natasha told Thor.

"Don't." Steve cautioned gravely.

However before any more arguying could ensue, Tony snatched the thing out of Thor's hand and started to shake it and something rattled. Steve hid his face in his hands but James looked on the cusp of murder.

"Tony give it." James instructed being deadly serious and Tony gave in immediately because the old guy had a soft spot for the assassin who murdered his parents.

James sighed in relief and held it up to his face with his metal arm, "To be honest I don't even remeber how to open the thing so I suppose-"

In that moment James clearly held onto the sides of the tin tighter which caused the lid to spring off and out fell bunch of square plastic wrappers and a half empty bottle of something that looked like hand gel. Whatever it was, James scooped the contents up at lightning speed and put them back in and now even he was slightly red in the cheeks.

"You squeeze the sides Buck." Steve replied dumbly.

James stood up stuffing the tin in his back pocket, "Right Stevie and I are gunna head off." He picked up the box stuffed with books as Steve grabbed at the clothes one, "You guys enjoy trying to find some stuff in the other two boxes."

The coolest thing Peter found was a newspaper from 1935 stuffed into a shoe.

Chapter Text

Steve was fairly sure that Bucky had just purposefully distracted him with the tin and using what was inside but, of course, he really was not too mad about that. Today had been a good day and despite having to pretend to be annoyed at Bucky for his uselessness at the press conferences, he was actually pretty proud and thought it was hilarious. When the commandos had to be interviewed for the radio, they all (except Steve) used to make up the most ridiculous war stories to tell to the public and found it all the more funny that people actually believed them (the tale of them riding horses into a Hydra base in Poland was in history books!).

Then they had gone home and Bucky had laughed about the public's reaction to the Winter soldier with the rest of the Avengers. Afterwards he had broken into a museum just to get their stuff back. It hurt Steve a little to see the way Bucky's face shrouded with confusion as he looked at some of the stuff but could not place them, especially when he had tossed aside his favourite jumper with zero recognition. But the good day still continued, all the way back to their room and afterwards Bucky had even managed to get to sleep.

However there was a nagging at the back of his head that kept telling him Bucky had been trying to avoid something that night and just as he was about to get some sleep himself he saw the box of books tossed pushed into the corner of the room. Steve's sketchbooks filled to the brim with drawing after drawing of Bucky Barnes throughout their entire childhood. Steve sighed because it made sense now, Bucky did not want to see himself like that after having changed so much, when half the pages and drawings would be of memories and days that he could not recognise.

Sometimes Steve whished he was the amazing person that all of America seemed to think he was but in truth he was just an angry kid from Brooklyn so when he saw that box he did not put it away and wait till Bucky was ready. He brought it out to the living room and opened it up. Carding through the pages gentley and internally praising himself for preferring sketching to maths or science because having this now...it was something so precious he could not put it into words.

Pictures of his Ma in her uniform sprawled out infront of the fire, Bucky asleep under the sun in their hiding spot by the docks, Alice sat on the steps outside the building the Barnes' apartment was in, Bucky greasy and dirty after working at the docks, broken buildings and homeless families sitting on the streets of Brooklyn thanks to the depression, Bucky focusing intensely on a maths book in art class on Saturday....

Misty eyes and shaky hands, Steve set down the sketchpads documenting his childhood and took the muddied brown book which still smelled like the war. He knew that half of the drawing were missing Bucky's face, neither of them wanting to have undeniable proof that he had changed after Azzano but sometimes when Steve had been first awake in the tent or the commandos had all been drunk around the campfire. Steve had not been able to help himself from getting everything down on paper.

Just as Steve could not help himself now and, god, Steve was already crying but he had to press a hand to his mouth to muffle the cries as he turned over the first page and saw his Sargent Barnes layed out against a tree with Falsworth's cap hiding his face. And fucking hell the war had been so fucked up and they really had only been kids but Steve missed it. He hated himself for even thinking that way but he did, Bucky still had his family, they still had the Commandos, they were in their time and Steve had believed that he would be able to protect Bucky from ever being layed out on a table again.

He turned the page to look at a hurried sketch of Dugan working on an explosive but the picture soon became blurry and Steve hurriedly closed the book in order to not damage it with his heavy tears.

"Stevie." Bucky gently admonished from the doorway.

Steve looked up from where he had hidden in on himself and whished he could stop the way his bottom lip was trembling and the tears were streaming. Sure he had been the weak dying one when they were younger but he had only cried a few times up until he lost Bucky in the war and now he had him back Steve wanted to be strong like that again. But he couldn't.

Bucky sighed and held his face in his hands, "Thats why I didn't open them ya shmuck."

Still crying, Steve could not manage to get the right words out but of course Bucky understood and he took his hand and led them outside. They sat down on the pillows and cushions they had set up on the edge of the balcony for when Bucky had his bad days and Bucky put his pink fluffy blanket over the pair of them.

"I miss them too." He whispered and Steve started crying all over again, his head leaning against Bucky's shoulder.

Bucky pulled out a smoke and it made Steve feel slightly better that he still had not managed to get rid of his habit of blowing the smoke away from his face. However he still felt like shit so they stayed like that for the majority of the night and the pair of them dozed off for a couple of hours under the stars.

-----

Bucky bolting out of bed was a regular occurrence and each time it woke up Steve, his constant worry having to check if Bucky was okay or not. Today he was fine but Steve still got up and then remebered that they were not even in bed but their pillow fort on the balcony. Usually when he woke up Bucky took a few minutes to piece together all his thoughts so Steve kissed him on the head gently and went over to their kitchen.

For himself breakfast was a stack of pancakes, a punnet of blueberries and maple syrup. For Bucky is was however many of Steve's blueberries he could eat before his stomach churned.

"Breakfast?" He asked when he got back outside, mainly just to check if Bucky was lucid yet.

Bucky turned around and gave him a lopsided smile, "Yes please."

Steve smiled back and then snuggled back into their den of pillows. Now that Steve was not visibly distraught Bucky went back to lying on his lap like usual and Steve sighed, feeling slightly at peace as he ate his breakfast, Bucky reaching over every once in a while to grab a bite of his fruit. He was with Bucky and that was all he could have ever asked for.

A small chime alerted Bucky that JARVIS was about to talk because they found it scared him less that way but Steve still felt Bucky tense up, "Apologies for the interruption Sargent Barnes and Captain Rogers but Sir is currently knocking at you door."

Bucky sat up off his lap, "Let him in and tell us we are over here."

It slightly annoyed Steve that Bucky was better which the modern world than him but this had been his dream when he was a little kid. All the screens and holograms were just like the books he raved about when they were kids. However Steve was pretty sure that Bucky was mainly just more comfortable with technology because Hydra had taught him to be that way.

Tony strode in and did not bother hiding his suprise at the fact that they were both sat on a bed of pillows on his balcony, "Am I interrupting date night?"

Steve frowned, he still did not get these jokes, "No, sometimes we just prefer outside."

"I know Capsicle." Tony sighed as he sat down on the floor nearest to Bucky, "I was only teasing."

"So what's up?" Bucky asked, cutting straight to the point, with no patience for niceties.

Steve saw the way Tony's face got serious and grey and he knew it was some shit about what Hydra had done to Bucky. When he first heard that Bucky gave all his Winter Soldiers files to Tony, he had lost his temper massively, assuming that Tony still had Bucky confused about the guy being his handler. Bucky had to sit him down and explain that he needed someone to read through everything that he had been through and done so that someone knew how to deal with and help him. He had not needed to ask why Bucky did not want Steve being that person; he could not have handled it.

"So I was reading about Vietnam and what happened after." Tony explained cautiously, Bucky seemed to understand which meant he remebered but Steve had no idea. Bucky noticed.

"I defected." He explained, "The war was familiar to me and I knew that I preferred it to Hydra so stayed after I finished my mission. I spent a month just fighting with the Americans until they found me and punished me after. A lot. Then they let me keep my memories of what happened so I knew what they would do if I tried again."

Tony somehow got paler and scratched at his head uncomfortably, "Well amongst other things they erm poured some pretty fucked up chemicals into your wounds."

Bucky grimaced, "I remeber." And Steve grabbed his hand, the one out of Tony's line of sight. To his suprise Bucky gripped back, hard.

"Well some of them went into your gut and stomach and stuff and by the looks of their notes, they made a mistake." He gulped, "They didn't realise it until it was too late but they really scarred them up."

Bucky took everything in his stride, "And thats why I can't keep much of anything down right? My stomach is too fucked up to take it. Never mind the fact that I hadn't eaten in 70 years."

"Yeah." Tony sighed defeatedly, "I mean there are ways to fix it or at least lessen the severity but would require surgery and I doubt you're up for that type of that thing.

Bucky held his hand tighter, "No I'm not." Then he gave Tony a wry smile, "I know this is asking a lot but could we maybe modify the powder shit that keeps me working? I'm going to run out soon but maybe we could make some new stuff that tastes decent?"

Tony let out a relieved sigh and grinned, "Kid giving me a way to help you is not a big favour at all." He stood up, "I'll be back with options by the end of the week."

He started striding away determindly with purpose and Bucky collapsed back into Steve's lap but this time with a far more grumpy expression. "Can I take some of your powder Barnes?" Tony called out.

Bucky did not even bother moving off Steve's lap, "Go ahead."

Steve started running his hands through Bucky's hair, just trying to comfort him a little, "I'm sorry."

"I knew it." He grumbled, "I knew it already."

"Yeah but I'm sure you were still hoping for a different result."

Bucky snorted, "Stevie I don't hope for shit anymore. Its a nice suprise that we that we make it through each day alive."

Steve frowned, he knew some of that was his fault, the stupid promises he had made Bucky about escaping Zola and being safe in the middle of a war. He had been twenty at the time and thought that the world was all sunshine and daisies. He knew better now but it was far too late. So Steve did the best he could and kissed his boyfriend on the head before they returned to eating breakfast.

-----

"Want to see what we found in your boxes?" Clint smirked from the dining table as himself and Bucky headed over to the couch to watch a movie.

Steve shrugged, "Sure."

Bucky's phone buzzed and he looked down, "Thor is asking me to go train with him." He informed Steve, "I'm gunna head."

"Alright babe." He smiled and walked over to Clint.

Bucky coughed and raised a pointed eyebrow but Steve had no clue what he was on about, clearly Bucky caught onto this as he rolled his eyes and then started muttering something in Russian as he walked off. Steve really had to learn some Russian.

"Did you hear what he said?"

Clint laughed, "You think I could hear what Barnes was muttering under his breath on the other side of the room?" He shook his head, "You know I'm deaf right?"

"Its easy to forget." Steve said defensively.

Clint flicked him, "Thanks."

Steve sighed, "So what did you find then?"

Peter jumped down from the ceiling where he had apparently been crawling around and Steve managed to contain his suprise. Barely. "I found some cool newspaper clippings in an old shoe of yours."

"Thats wierd." He blatantly lied, "I wonder how they got in there?"

"I know right!"

Clint leaned back on his chair casually, "Nat is keeping your old metal mugs and cracked up plates, she says their vintage or something." Then he straightened up, smiling more, "And the shoe! Its Lucky's new favourite toy!"

Steve whished he cared but it was not as if he missed any of those objects anyway. Peter nodded along to Clint and then added, "Tony found a belt he liked and Bruce took a cap."

"Right. Anything of ours you found...for us?"

Clint pushed over a white ceramic bowl, "These, they were hidden in a music box which Thor wanted."

The music box had been Alice's Steve knew that but he also knew she would have preferred it went to someone who would actually value it. But he peered into the bowl and gasped because how the fuck had the museum managed to even get a hold of them. First of all there was his mother's necklace, a thin and definately not real gold, chain with a cross and then there were George and Winnifred's wedding rings. There were also some bracelets that looked like something Betty would have worn.

"Wow." He smiled sadly, "This is amazing."

Steve could not help himself, he just had to show Bucky so he excused himself and headed down to the training room.

-----

"I don't know about this." Bucky's voice rang clear from outside the room thanks to Steve's hearing.

Thor sighed, "Come on James, just do it. Please."

"What happens if you...die?" He asked uncertainly.

Thor let out a booming laugh, "James I have lived for thousands of years and despite being a mighty soldier I am afraid this will not be the way I go."

"You sure?" He asked again and if Bucky thought it was a bad idea then it definately was.

"Do it." Thor said firmly and Steve also knew that Bucky had a hard time saying no to direct orders like that so this bad idea was going to happen.

There was a swinging sound and then the entire floor rattled and the sound that Hulk made when he punched through walls was the final straw that made Steve burst into the room.

"Fuck." Bucky muttered under his breath but it was not directed at Steve, more at the Thor shaped hole in the wall.

"Buck!" Steve exclaimed, "What happened?"

Obviously Bucky was not surprised when he turned to face him, Steve had a good idea that Bucky had been aware of his presence since he burst into the door and decidedly ignored him. Sheepishly Bucky held out the gleaming hammer he was holding in his right hand and Steve grinned proudly because of course Bucky was worthy of Mojinder. All the Avengers had gotten drunk one night and tested out trying to pick up the damn thing but that had been before Bucky came back.

"He wanted to see what happened if he was hit with it." Bucky explained.

Steve chuckled, "What an idiot."

"Thats what I told him." He replied, "So what are you doing down here?"

Steve crossed his arms, "That can wait until you tell me how long you've been able to pick up that hammer."

Bucky frowned, "It happened on accident when I first hung out with him whilst you were in DC. Obviously I didn't know you weren't supposed to be able to pick it up. Thor said its something about worthiness but thats bullshit."

"No its not, it actually-"

"You answer my question now." Bucky said firmly which, in Bucky speak, meant 'I don't want to talk about this right now'.

Steve held out his open palm, "The guys found some of our families old jewellery. Ma's necklace, your parents rings and Betty's bracelets."

Bucky took all the jewellery in his hand and looked over it all curiously, specifically his Mother's necklace which meant that was something he definately recognised. Steve smiled and motioned him forward. "Come here."

Steve took back the jewellery and slid the two rings onto his Ma's necklace and then latched it onto Bucky's neck. It was just long enough to slide underneath his shirt and Bucky looked at him in astonishment. "But it was your-"

"We both called her Ma." Steve interjected, "You practically lived with us and the necklace is with you, there's no safer place."

Bucky leaned in and kissed him firmly, "Sap."

"I know." He grinned and then took Bucky's metal arm and latched the two silver chains onto his wrist. They were barely noticable, the metal stretched thin over Bucky's wrist which was much thicker than Betty's but he liked it. "Lookin' good."

Bucky looked down at his wrist, "Makes me hate it a little less."

"Good." Steve said firmly and kissed him on the cheek.

Luckily Thor only came flying in once Steve stepped away and once he landed he looked at the wall and laughed, "I should have predicted that outcome."

"Yeah you should've." Bucky replied and threw him the hammer like it was nothing, "Me and Stevie gotta go, you enjoy explaining that to Stark."

"We do?" Steve asked.

Then Bucky gave him the look which meant they were going straight back to their apartment and Steve smiled back feeling extremely happy. "Yep."

-----

Steve knew it was not the best idea for him to come along but he had to. Since officially joining the ranks when Bucky went off to eliminate another HYDRA base which had kept him prisoner Tony would come with and hang back, waiting outside just in case anything went wrong. It had worked because Bucky trusted him and Tony knew what to do when Bucky came out, soaked in blood and unresponsive to his own name.

But Tony was on a mission with Nat as they went to find where the hell Bruce had run off to after their last Avengers fight got a little out of hand and the Hulk caused some impressive structural issues to a couple of buildings. Luckily no one was dead but a few had been hospitalised.

However Bucky had been planning to remove the HYDRA base still lurking in Romania for months and he refused to set back or pause his plans just because Tony would not be waiting in the woods for him. Therefore Steve jumped on the fucking plane and refused to let Bucky talk him out of it.

He was already doing Bucky the favour of remaining as his backup and not bursting in and killing all those HYDRA fucks himself.

-----

"You stay here." Bucky instructed as he began pulling his goggles over his eyes.

Taking a deep breath, Steve answered, "I know Buck."

Bucky checked his sniper rifle carefully, "This will take max four hours and then you come in guns blazing...or if I radio you."

"I know." He grumbled.

Bucky pecked him on the cheek, "This is literally the twentieth time I've done this, it'll be fine."

Steve kicked at some of the loose dirt beneath his feet, "I just hate staying behind."

"You understand, though don't you?" Bucky questioned intently. "That this is something I need to do by myself and for myself. If others come in with me, I'll be too worried about their safety to focus and they'll be too upset about seeing where I was kept to stay alert."

Steve sighed, "Of course I get it Buck, that just don't make it any easier."

"Misiunea va fi bine, te iubesc." (the mission will be fine, I love you) Bucky murmered to Steve before he walked off and since when could he speak Romanian? Steve was guessing it was Romanian because of where they were and the fact it did not sound completely like Russian but he could be wrong. Shit he really needed to work on his languages.

And apparently his attention span because Bucky was gone.

-----

One man came running through the forest, blood dripping down his forehead whilst he shouted panicked sentences in Romanian. Steve recognised the logo on his uniform and shot him dead. He was not really sure where some of the Avengers had gotten the idea that he was an innocent little petal who had some moral code about killing people. First of all they killed aliens all the time and second, he had no issue killing those who deserved it, what else would he have done in the war?

"I had it." A gruff voice came out through the thicket of trees.

Steve almost fell to the ground in relief, "Buck."

Bucky walked into view wearing his bloodied gear, carrying an assortment of guns and a backpack with, presumably, all his files in. He swayed slightly in his step and tucked his head under Steve's shoulder. Sometimes Steve would get these intense bursts of memories when he was with Bucky when everything felt a little off kilter because he was not small Steve anymore.

Like now, when he was helping Bucky into the quinjet because he could barely stand on his own two feet and Steve just thought about all those times Bucky had showed up to his apartment drunk. Steve had had to push Bucky with all his might to keep him upright, the guy had been a head taller that him, so carrying him around was hard and awkward. Now it felt to easy, Bucky fit right under his shoulder and keeping him standing relied on zero physical exertion.

"You injured?" He asked gently.

Bucky looked up at him and blinked owlishly, "What?"

Steve hated HYDRA more than ever in that moment because he hated what they made him say, it made him feel sick, "You have any malfunctions?"

Bucky's body lent futher into him, "Tired."

"Okay." He sighed, "Okay Buck."

-----

Steve selected one of the Tony's shakes from the mini fridge on the quinjet. He had gone above and beyond with Bucky's request and remade the powder in every flavour imaginable. Bucky preffered the fruit ones though so Steve grabbed an apple one and passed it over to Bucky who was sat it the co-pilot seat whilst JARVIS flew the plane.

"Here, drink this." He instructed.

Bucky nodded and took the drink, sipping at it tentatively as they flew and once they were finished Steve manged to get him standing and out of his bloodied uniform. He usually always turned up to the Avengers tower in his gear but Steve did not know if that was good for him and had brought non-bloodied comfy sweats that he knew Bucky would prefer. He also brought the blanket and Bucky's eyes lit up a little at that, nodded at him in gratitude when he wrapped himself up in it before returning to his seat.

"The base in Romania was beside the Danube river." Bucky said, speaking for the first time the three hours since they had gotten on the plane.

Steve took a sharp intake of breath, "Thats where you fell."

"Apparently they kept me there for a few days before I was taken to Germany." Bucky frowned, "I don't remeber, blood loss."

Steve wanted to say something but Bucky stood up and went over to his backpack then came back with something in his hand. "They burned my clothes." He told Steve as he stood infront of him stoically, "I remeber that in Germany, but there was one thing they didn't even have to burn."

"What?"

Bucky held his hand out and there were his dog tags. Steve did not even realise he was crying until Bucky swiped them away. "Why are you crying?"

"I'm not sure." He sighed, and he rubbed his finger over the small metal plate. They had taken everything from Bucky and it really hurt. Next thing he knew Bucky was putting the metal over his head. "No Bucky, these are yours."

"I'm yours." He replied and kissed him on the cheek. "Its alright I already know them off by heart." He joked.

Steve held onto the dog tags around his neck tightly and somehow he smiled because Bucky was a stupid jerk.

Chapter Text

Steve had never considered himself possesive before, Bucky literally used to go out dancing and drinking and kissing the entire time they dated and Steve had never felt any less secure in their relationship. He was jelous that Bucky could kiss a girl in public and not him but he was not jelous about Bucky doing it because he knew that it was a necessary evil for Bucky to dispel any dangerous rumours. During the war they even spent an entire year seperated and Steve had never once considered their relationship, he just wanted Bucky safe.

However when he walked into the common room to find Thor on the sofa with Bucky tucked in between his legs sat on the floor as Thor braided his long hair into two plaits. Steve wanted to hit Thor with that hammer of his and send him flying very far away. He wanted to do that very badly but then he saw Bucky's stupid content little face as he watched some animated movie and let Thor braid his hair and Steve forced himself to walk off to the kitchen and grab himself some lunch.

"Stevie can you grab me something please." Bucky's voice called through the room.

At least that gave him an excuse to stay watch Thor and Bucky without being a possesive and stalkerish boyfriend. "Here." And he handed Bucky a couple of orange slices, "Enjoy."

Thor prodded bit of Bucky's neck, "What tale comes with this wound?"

"Torture." Bucky replied boredly.

Thor cracked a booming laugh and patted Bucky on the shoulder, "Ah James only the mightiest of soldiers are able to retain their humour through hardships."

"What about your brother then?" Bucky asked.

"What about him?" Thor replied sulkily.

Steve tried not to sigh when he saw the amused little grin on Bucky's face which meant he knew exactly what he was doing, "Well you told me that story about him turning into a snake when you were kids and then stabbing you. He's definately funny, is he a good soldier?"

Thor huffed, "He's adopted, it doesn't count."

Bucky winked at Steve and he tried his best to look disapproving was not sure it even worked, "Those are nice braids, Thor." He said, decided a change in conversation would be the best course of action.

Apparently Steve needed to compliment more because the guy lit up like a Christmas tree, "Thanks Steve, my mother used to do this for me before I went into battle."

"Is Bucky going into battle?"

"No." Thor replied, "It just looks nice."

Steve turned his head a little lent over in order to face Bucky, "Yeah it does."

Bucky grabbed the dog tags which had slipped out from under his shirt in the process of leaning down and pulled him even closer. Before he had the chance to even think or process what was happening Bucky planted a kiss right on his lips. Steve jerked upwards, bright red, and stared at Thor like a deer caught in headlights but Thor simply raised a curious eyebrow.

"Told you so." Bucky hummed, "He's a jelous little punk."

Returning back to his braids Thor nodded, "Indeed."

"He knows!" Steve exclaimed, wincing at how scandalised he sounded.

"Yeah he saw us in the gym that time like a month ago." Bucky replied as calm as ever, "Then the other day he asked me about my lover and well...here we are."

Thor clearly noticed how shocked Steve was about the whole thing and explained, "On Asguard bedding man or woman is fine whoever you are and it always has been and neither of your are famous there so." Then he pointed a finger at two them, "This is not at all surprising."

"I like Thor." Buck said, filling in the silence Steve created because he was still speechless.

"Me too." Steve finally stuttered out.

Thor grinned, "If only Steve had hair long enough to braid as maybe I would like him too."

Buck scoffed, "Nah you only like people who can lift your metal rock."

"True Barnes, very true."

Steve was pretty sure he was still a little jelous.

-----

Steve was in the kitchen helping Bruce cook up some pasta for dinner when Natasha and Bucky came up from the gym. They were both drenched in sweat and Bucky was holding his top in his metal hand, using it to dry himself off. Steve choked on the air.

Bruce patted him on the back tentatively, "You okay?"

"Fine." He rasped.

A loud wolf whistle echoed through the common room and Steve immediately groaned, "Damn Barnes, looking good."

"Fuck off Tony." He huffed as he sat down on a stool in the kitchen.

Natasha sat beside him, "Where's my compliment?"

Then Tony appeared from around the corner, "Jelous much?"

Steve had yet to take his eyes off of Bucky but he literally snapped his finger infront of his face, "Water?"

"Coming right up." He sighed and then turned around (unfortunately).

The first few times Steve had seen Bucky without a shirt he had been more horrified by the host of scars to notice much else but then with time he grew used to the way Bucky's body was now and loved it just the same. Even his metal arm. Steve loved the metal arm, it was impressive and made him look hot as fuck. He was partly appreciative that others (Tony and Bruce) were able to look past the damage but partly very angry that they were looking at his body at all.

Shit, since when did he get this jelous?

"What about this one?" Natasha asked as she pointed to a jagged line under one of Bucky's ribs.

Bucky stared at Nat incredulously, "I don't know Natalia, traumatic brain damage means I can't remeber half of them."

Pointedly ignoring him she pointed thick red scar near his stomach, "This one?"

"Water's here." Steve called out.

"Thanks busnika." He said warmly and Steve growled because he still did not know what the prick was calling him.

Nat poked at the thick white line on his palm as he reached out to take the water from Steve, "What about this one?"

Steve peered over "Thats from when I got my legs trapped up in trip wire and Bucky saved my life getting it off."

"Don't encourage her!" Bucky accused.

Steve shrugged off his boyfriends anger despite the fact that most people faced with it did not live to tell the tale, "Couldn't help it, I'm just so grateful for what you did."

Rolling his eyes Bucky scowled, "Thats a shit excuse, you just like telling boring war stories."

"You're the only one who thinks there boring." Tony interjected.

"Because I fucking already lived through them and trust me when I say that Steve gives you the child friendly version of every story he's told."

"Is that true?" An extremely scandalised Tony Stark exclaimed.

It was completely true. None of Steve's war stories were too much fun if he told them completely truthfully. They all got dark and depressing so he made sure to miss some bits out or undersell the severity of some events. "Nope." He replied.

Natasha scoffed, seeing through his lie immediately but then just pointed to a deep red mark on Bucky's real arm, "So what happened there?"

Bucky groaned and slammed his head down on the table, "Je vais tuer ces idiots." (I am going to kill these idiots)

Now Steve did not speak French by a long shot but he did understand a few select words and phrases that Dernier had used all the time like 'kill' and 'idiots' which meant he was finally able to understand one of Bucky's insults. He laughed.

Natasha pouted, "No fair you can't use the one language I don't-" She cut off, her eyes bulging, "Woah."

"Are you looking at-"

Bucky was cut off by Natasha and Tony prodding his back and Steve got so angry he bent a spoon. "Are those scratches?" Nat asked.

"Probably my Dad." Bucky said casually after a sip of water.

Natasha looked up from his back, "What?"

"The faint red scars on his back are from his Dad." Steve explained because Bucky hated repeating things twice, especially when it was about things that put him in a bad mood.

"Huh." Tony supplied, "You're Dad hit you too?"

"It was the thirties." Bucky replied, "Everyone's Dad's hit them. A slap when you did something wrong and a wack on the back when they were drunk and had been fired from another job because it was the depression and life wasn't fair."

Tony and Natasha rolled their eyes, both of them now fully acquainted with Bucky's condescending cynicism when it came to just about anything. Natasha spoke first, "Well that explains why you're so lovely. Daddy issues."

Bucky glared at Natasha momentarily, "My issues aren't from my childhood Natalia, that part I didn't mind."

"Okay Mr Tough guy." Steve said sarcastically because they both knew about the way Bucky lived with Steve more than his own family to avoid his fathers anger and the times Bucky had come home crying and bleeding because of what his Da did. But then he remebered what Tony had said and thought of Howard and frowned, "Howard?"

"Was not as good of a father as he was scientist." Tony finished bitterly.

Bucky shrugged casually, "Not suprising, he always was an asshole."

Suprisingly Tony grinned and clapped him on the back, "My old man used to say the exact same thing about you."

Steve thought back to the medical tent with Bucky nervous and paranoid and Howard amusedly giving Steve hard drugs to help him with the pain. Yeah the pair of them had never seen quite eye to eye, neither one of them at fault. Just different.

Apparently Natasha had grown bored of the conversation as she turned her attention back to the scratched and bruises on Bucky that Steve knew he had made last night during some intense late night activities. "But what about those scratches?" She asked.

Tony poked his side looking over to Natasha, "Did you make that bruise?"

"No I didn't." Nat replied, "James is a serum soldier, he's pretty fucking hard to bruise."

Even Bruce's head snapped up at that admission and all the three adults came to the same conclusion at the same time. Tony shouted it first, "Barnes has got a girl!"

"No I don't." He snapped back.

"Come on." Tony grumbled, "No need to lie to us, your back tells all."

Bucky glared at him, "I ain't got a girl."

"We read the history books pal." Tony replied, "James Barnes had a lot of girlfriends...you did lots of dancing."

Bucky's glare got icy, it was pretty clear to everyone that Tony was treading on very dangerous water, "I kissed a lotta girls, there's a difference."

"So who's the girl you kissed?" Bruce asked, looking up from the boiling pasta.

"There is no girl." He replied forcefully.

Nat gave him a nudge, "Yeah well there's definately someone because that." And she poked him on his lower waist again, "Is a handprint."

And that was the final blow because Bucky was out of his chair and Nat and Tony both took a step back because Bucky looked downright murderous right now. Steve should have been worried or tried to help but on the one hand he was still mad at his friends for pushing Bucky and on the other Bucky was still shirtless. So he kind of just watched.

"There's no girl. There were never any fucking girls." He said gruffly, his voice getting deeper and more broken with anger, "I'm gay. Really fucking gay and in my time you had to kiss girls to make sure no one got suspicious about that and killed ya."

Everyone looked mortified.

Bucky continued, "Then I fought and got captured by people who murdered guys like me by the thousands and did their goddam bidding." He threw down his sweaty top, "There's no fucking girls because I got the-"

Bucky looked over to Steve before he could stop himself but luckily cut off whatever he was about to say. It was one thing for him to come out but it was another for him to out Steve and their relationship with it. Steve was so grateful for having such an amazing boyfriend that knew that and savoured the moment of watching Bucky storm off without his top before turning to face the music.

"Did you know?" Bruce whispered.

"Of course." He replied and then returned to stirring tomato sauce.

Tony let out a sigh, "Jeez, history books are so wrong."

Steve smirked, "Ya think?"

"Wait." Tony frowned, "So there is other stuff that they got wrong and you never bothered to mention it."

Steve smirked, "They got so much wrong and missed so much out, it seemed like too much effort to start correcting it all."

"Oh my god." Tony muttered despairingly, "I think you just ruined my childhood."

"And mine." Bruce piped in.

Natasha shrugged, "Barnes already did that for me."

Steve waved his tomato spoon at them threateningly, "Be nice at dinner tonight or I'll murder you all."

-----

Bucky was the last one at the dining table for dinner and he sat down heavily between Thor and himself. He eyed the table darkly and then announced, "For anyone who missed this afternoon, I'm gay."

Peter dropped his cutlery, "What?"

Steve felt bad for the kid because he looked like he was about to piss his pants with the look that Bucky gave him, so he stepped in. "So how is school Peter?"

Peter grinned, "College is great, my boyfriend and I love it." and wow, credit where credit is due, this kid was clever. Also brave. Good for him.

Bucky instantly relaxed, "Piece of advice?"

"Sure." Peter smiled easily.

Steve stepped in and slapped a hand over his mouth before Bucky could say anything, "Do. Not. Ever. Ask him for relationship advice."

Natasha raised a brow, "What were you just about to tell my son James?"

"That he can just-"

"Nope." Steve interjected, "Shut the fuck up Bucky."

Clint pouted, "Now we all want to know what he would have said."

"What do you think he would have said Clint?" Steve replied despairingly.

"A dick joke?" Tony squealed exitedly, "Barnes I am so proud of you!"

Steve made sure that the rest of dinner went smoothly, steering all conversations away from relationships and sex lives and focusing it all on recent missions and people's mundane day to day experiences, even though he was pretty sure the Avengers had a messed up perspective on what were boring everyday occurences.

-----

He found Bucky outside, leaning over the balcony, a cigeratte hanging out of his mouth and Steve hugged him immediately. "I'm proud of you."

Bucky hummed, "Thanks Stevie."

"You okay?"

Bucky blew out the smoke, "Yeah I really am."

"Good."

"Good?"

Steve turned Bucky around and kissed him fiercely, holding him tightly.

-----

The next day Bucky arrived for movie night with a slight lip and winced when he sat down and tried to make himself comfortable on the sofa. Steve could tell that Tony had picked up on it because the dork really cared and he was wearing his concerned face.

"What happened?" He asked bluntly.

Bucky looked up to Tony blankly, "Nothing?"

Tony's concerned face went unhappy as well, "Barnes I thought we were past this by now? You literally just limped in here."

Bucky went a light pink which must have meant they all died or something because Bucky Barnes did not simply get embarassed. "Tony its not-"

Natasha laughed, "Hydra would loose their shit if they ever found out that their Winter Solider took it up the-"

"NAT!" Steve shouted, partly because it was crude and also because she was being mean.

Bucky grinned, ignoring his outburst and facing Nat "Doesn't that just make it better though?"

"You're awful." She smiled approvingly.

Bruce leant over, "So do we get to meet the lucky guy?"

"Hulk has met him." Bucky replied smartly.

No one really understood it but Bucky and the Hulk actually got along, whenever Bruce transformed Bucky would run off to play fight with the giant green monster and the monster listened to Bucky in battle soley. It was better than Hulk listening to no one like before but Bucky was a little less forgiving than Steve so the Hulk still caused his fair share of damage.

Bruce rolled his eyes, "Whatever."

"Its me." Steve said quietly and...did he seriously just fucking do that.

Well he must have because everyone was staring at him in wide eyed suprise (except from Thor).

"What?" Tony asked.

"Its me." He re-affirmed, "I'm Bucky's boyfriend or whatever."

"Or whatever." Bucky scoffed, "He's a real charmer."

Tony gawped, "Since when?!"

"3rd September 1940." Bucky supplied immediately.

Steve grinned, "I mean there was a little break."

"But we never officially broke up so." Bucky countered.

"Erm." Clint interrupted, "Sorry but weren't- I mean aren't you in love with Peggy Carter or something?"

"Oh I love Peggy alright." He smiled, "But she had Rachel and I had Bucky. If we all made it out of the war we were gunna marry each other, live together...live the high life."

Bucky shrugged, "Or some fucked up version of the high life in the fifties."

Natasha shook her head, "Its a shame, Bucky doesn't deserve own that ass; he's killed people. And isn't it like American property or something."

Bucky scowled, "I loved it before everyone else did so back off."

"You heard him." Steve smirked.

Tony groaned, "This makes total sense and I hate it already because you guys are going to be all snuggly and sweet and corny and its not fair."

At Tony's suggestion, Bucky wriggled around until his head was in Steve's lap as usual, "Yep thats better."

"Great." Thor boomed and he stood up from the sofa he was sharing with Bruce and Tony and sat at the other end of Bucky and Steve's. He lifted up Bucky's feet and let them fall on his lap before spreading out and sighing contently, "Finally I have space."

Bucky wriggled his feet hidden in pink slippers, "We shoulda done this so much earlier Stevie, this is so much more comfy."

"Agreed."

Then that was it.

-----

Steve flung his shield over to Bucky who caught it effortlessly and slammed the creature in its face sending it reeling backwards. Fighting together was as easy as breathing for the both of them. Steve never had to worry about flinging himself because he trusted Bucky to have his back in case any threats got the jump on him and when Bucky was not sniping and in the fight on ground the pair of them bounced off each other with ease.

It worked. They worked. In fact all of them did. Together.

"Hey Thor gimme your metal block." Bucky shouted and Thor chucked him Mojinder.

He whacked it into the creatures face and it crashed into the ground, "Good job solider." Thor called out when Bucky threw it back.

Steve smiled proudly and then shot the wierd alien thingy nearing in on Bucky's shoulder.

"Thanks busnika." He grinned.

Steve smiled, "No problem baby."

Bucky threw his shield back to him a little harder than usual.

-----

"The public are wondering how its possible for the Winter Soldier to have wielded an Asguardian weapon that no one else is known to be able to lift. Is he even human like we were lead to believe?"

Bucky laughed and Steve glared at him because you were not allowed to laugh at the press in the middle of a conference, it was rude. Today Bucky was wearing his pyjamas and Steve knew it was a taunt to the press even if they would never understand it. It was an 'Look at me, I'm wearing Captain America's pjyamas because we are dating and you still think he is a perfect piece of propaganda' statement because thats exactly what Bucky had told him he was doing when he put it on.

Baggy blue checked pyjama trousers that fell down far enough everyone could see his boxers and an extremely see through white t-shirt were not television appropriate. They also made him look fucking stupid when he paired the look with his mask.

"Yeah I'm human Ma'am." He replied after catching his breath, "But Thor ain't and he still bleeds for this damn country just like the rest of us. Last time I checked we fought the bad aliens, not all of them."

Whilst it was cute to hear Bucky's Brooklyn accent coming back a bit. It was not the time for Bucky to take a stand on fucking alien equality. Sometimes he wondered if Bucky going off about human rights and equality was how he sounded every time he lectured people on what was good and morally right. Tony had said thats what made them such a good couple; the way they both stood up for what they believed so much it was annoying.

-----

Bucky still had his bad days and his nightmares and his panic attacks and sometimes he lost time or forgot something or just got stuck in his head for a bit. But overall he was okay, they were okay. They loved each other. They had each other and sometimes that felt like that was all they needed.

'It's us against the world Stevie' Bucky had whispered to him one night when they were lying out on their pillows looking up at the stars under a pink blanket. 'We didn't win but we sure as hell haven't lost either'.

Steve had kissed him because he could and sometimes he thought he might never stop. Luckily Bucky never seemed to mind.

-----

"Stevie." Bucky hissed into his ear, it was the middle of the night and Bucky was apparently trying to shake him awake. What Bucky did not know was that Steve was an incredibly light sleeper thanks to his boyfriends' PTSD and woke up if Bucky so much as shuffled in bed. However he could tell that Bucky was completely fine this time and decided to ignore. Just for a bit.

Bucky licked his face.

"Ew what the hell Buck!" Steve exclaimed, wiping the spit off his nose.

Even though it was dark, Steve could still see Bucky's picture perfect smile, "I remebered something."

"Was it bad?" Steve asked because most of Bucky's memories were bad, especially the ones which woke him up in the middle of the night.

"No." He replied instantly, "Steve it was really good."

"Oh yeah?" Steve said.

"Yeah I remebered you, the first time I saw you." He explained.

Steve frowned, "Like when we were 6? In the alley with those guys?"

"That was the first time we met." Bucky corrected, souding way too smart for someone's whose memory was akin to swiss cheese. "I remebered the first time I ever saw you."

"Right." Steve sighed.

Bucky nudged him harshly, sending his eyes wide open again. "Stevie I was so young then I couldn't of known but I swear I musta had a crush on you." He smiled warmly and Steve was finally awake, "I was watching you for weeks, sitting on the grass drawin whilst everyone else played, I remeber thinkin I wanted to be friends with you real bad."

"Looks like you got your wish." Steve smirked, chest feeling as full as ever from Bucky's admission.

Bucky kissed him, "I got so much better."

"Hey Buck?" Steve said cautiously, "I know you don't like promises but I'll love you forever."

Bucky nodded slowly, "Yeah me too."