Chapter Text
I first met freshman year. I didn't know this kid because he must've come from a different middle school than me. Just about 6 feet, and still growing, Josh Ramsay was very easy to spot out. He always wore a long sleeved band shirt and had mousy brown hair like me. The first time I actually saw him was orientation and picture day which was the week before school actually started.
I would eventually grow to 6'0" but at that time I was only 5'9" so Josh felt like a giant to me. He was quit shy at first always seemed to have secrets. I think he just gave off the quiet kid vibes. I remember his mom came with him and at first he didn't smile in the photo but his mom forced him to. He seemed insecure about himself but I just couldn't stop staring at him. He didn't seem to acknowledge me or anyone else for that matter.
Starting next week, I didn't have any friends. I wasn't studious but not totally lazy either. I just did the bare minimum and got by with Bs. He happened to be in choir with me which was every day after school. He happened to always stand in the back and I was in front of him. I couldn't but to hear his incredible voice. I could not contain myself. His voice could go from super angelic to a very powerful belt or scream in seconds.
I had a group of friends but they weren't that big. I just sat next to them at lunch and maybe said a few words here and there. It was finally one full month into school that after choir I started walking home and noticed Josh waiting. He always gets picked up by his mom or dad is what I observed. They were Canadian music legends, or at least to the close community. That's what I learned, hence Josh's musical talent.
"Are you walking today?" I asked. That's the first thing I ever spoke to him.
"Yeah. You're Matt Webb? Choir."
"Mmhmm. You have a wonderful voice," I told Josh, looking up and down at him. That day he was wearing a Van Halen shirt. "I like your shirt."
He looked at mine. It was a panda bear holding a lollipop. He smiled and said he liked mine too. I smiled and we didn't say anything but we noticed we were walking in the same direction.
"Where do you live?"
"Around UBC."
"Geez, that's like a 2 hour walk!"
"Yeah, well I need the exercise," he teased, kicking a rock all along the sidewalk. It was something to entertain him. "Plus, this is one day out of the school year. I can handle this."
I didn't think much of that phrase back then because I still barely knew the guy.
I remember after walking 15 minutes, my house was at a turn so I said I'll see him tomorrow and went home.
The next day we actually realized we were in some other of each other's classes. We laughed about it saying we didn't care much to pay attention. I ended up sitting with him at lunch, just us at the end of a table. I remember the first few months he would just sit without lunch. I never questioned it because I knew quite a few kids who would eat later or something.
We started bonding really fast and talking about music, the only thing we all really loved. His smile was so precious and he was a mama's boy which was always a win. Happy family. He wasn't the skinniest boy in the school but I didn't see anything wrong with him how he would later describe himself.
To Josh, he had a few other friends but it appeared that he really only talked with his sister who was already out of college. He was a very sweet guy indeed. One day he asked if I wanted to come over to his house. For choir there was a harmony assignment and he said I could help practice with him and his family.
I agreed but was also nervous. When I entered the house, there was nothing to be worried about. His family was so friendly. They were the ideal family everyone wanted. We got to practice and his parents gave me some free tips. Already after I left Josh's house, I felt more skilled.
Months passed and we because best friends. We would go to each other's houses all the time and mostly just mess around playing music. Our families became super friendly and everything seemed blissful except in school, I noticed Josh was a completely different person.
He told me everything and I was so happy he confided in me. That's what a true friendship was but finally one day in school, he took things a bit far. Sometimes he would mock the French teacher or throw textbooks out the window. I don't know what got into him but he wouldn't care. He'd just go to the principals office and have to write an apology letter.
He told me he wasn't doing so well in school and wasn't taking any advanced classes. He only cared for music and he told me that he always thought everyone was a musician. It's how he was raised but I told him that he would be a successful musician. I could sense that within him.
Sophomore year came, and we only hung out with each other still. During the summer my family went on a trip all across the United States so I didn't see Josh much. It was interesting how the fact we were so close, we didn't need to hang out everyday to know how close we were. From the people I knew, it seems like their best friends they don't see as often but are strong with their bond. The first day of sophomore year is when I saw him and I was shocked. I saw Josh and he was just this 6'2" boy made of skin and bones. He was certainly underweight and I was worried for him. I didn't greet him with a smile and he noticed.
"Don't I look great?" He seemed happy, almost as if he was romanticizing his disorder. "I feel great. No one can call my fatty faggot anymore."
"Josh, I'm glad you feel confident about yourself but-"
"But what?"
I didn't reply and I wondered why his parents hadn't done anything. Surely they would've noticed. I think for once everyone in class was worried for Josh, even his teachers. Usually they call on him because they know he's not paying attention but no one seemed to acknowledge him anymore. He was obviously going through something but I couldn't tell.
He always told me he had the most supportive family so I never knew. It was scary how good he was at hiding his pain. Later on he would tell me he was selfish and that's why he didn't bother telling anyone. It was all so complicated.
Josh never found out but I had finally went to his parents and they too were worried for their son. They had hoped he would get better on his own but he wasn't so they in a way forced Josh to finish his meals. He didn't complain. Josh didn't hate food. He loved it but didn't want to get fat. It was easier to hide eating then purging later so that's what he started. At lunch he started eating everything, but then he would always use the bathroom right after. I thought he was getting better. I didn't know what was going on but he was gaining some weight back which was good. At first I didn't think anything of it because maybe he didn't want to interrupt class to go to the washroom.
It's only when I had to use the restroom too and I walked in on all the sinks turned on high, but I could still hear the painful retching. I could see Josh's shoes from under the stall door and knew it was him. The first time, I shrugged it off. I didn't know anything. He told me his stomach was upset andI believed him, after all, that day lunch was stew.
It's only that I knew there was a problem when everyday at choir I started to smell the faint vomit smell off of Josh. It was almost unnoticeable but we always were next to each other.
That's when I started to cry at night. I didn't want to lose my best friend but I still knew very little. A month later his parents had taken him to a psychologist and he told me everything. He said I should be his therapist because I actually care. I told him I would but it's good for him to go to a professional.
He told me they diagnosed him with depression and anorexia and bulimia. He already knew he had ADHD but that was the least of his worries at this point. He hated this. These terms meant nothing to him but now he had to get help. One problem after another and he was leading a life of self destruction. He somewhat overcame his bulimia, but to him once having an eating disorder, he'd always have it. The thoughts would never go away.
Later Josh would start cutting his stomach and I couldn't bear to see that. He told me it was the last resort to not feeling fat, as if somehow the small slices would get rid of pounds.