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English
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Published:
2021-06-06
Completed:
2021-06-06
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3,001
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2/2
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Soccer Moms Drive Minivans

Summary:

PTA meetings get infinitely more interesting when one of the parents is barely twenty and also the father of fourteen alien babies.

Notes:

(See the end of the work for notes.)

Chapter 1

Chapter Text

Admittedly, Linda did a double take when the famed Mr. Tennyson walked in the room. But- seriously, come on, could you blame her?

Even after The Big Reveal (as most people called the day the intergalactic organizations had gone "oh, by the way, we forgot to tell you that you're not alone in the universe. Whoopsie!") most of the alien families that had taken residence on Earth lived in big cities. Cities like New York, Washington D.C, Orlando, Austin, you get the picture. Surely not in tiny, insignificant little towns like Bellwood- which wasn't particularly known for being a multicultural place even before the whole alien hullabaloo.

Seeing a human tourist was weird enough there, let alone one with multiple arms or green skin!

Which was why, when her son Christopher had come home and enthusiastically told her that his new school had not one, not two, but fourteen alien kids in it, she'd almost dropped her phone in the fruit salad bowl.

"That's great, honey" she'd nervously bit out, a shaky smile on her face as he went on and on about how they had "totally cool wings" and "one walked through a wall, mom! A wall!"

She wasn't racist (uh, specieist?), ok? She was just... worried. What if her Chris turned out to be allergic to alien dandruff, or whatever? What if they found out that they exhaled carbon monoxide? What if, what if, what if. She'd obsessed over it for a week, before her husband had cut her off during one of her rants with a "Linda, they're kids, not faulty stoves", with the tone of somebody who wanted quiet or death, whichever came first, and she'd shut up, though it hadn't really done much to calm her down.

Then, she'd met one of them at school, the little blue creature chatting with Christopher as their siblings waited for their parents on the other side of the school's garden, and her fears had somewhat diminished. They were quiet, but polite, even cute in some weird way, and seemed to genuinely like her son, Earth, and the town.

"Your english is pretty good!" She'd smiled encouragingly, and got the feeling that the kid was looking at her like she'd just said something incredibly stupid, even if their expression didn't change at all.

"I only speak english, ma'am."

Needless to say, she left feeling embarrassed and thorough chatized, grimacing awkwardly as Chris sternly informed her that "Snowbite" and their siblings were born on Earth, and only visited their species' native planet once in their lives before moving back there.

Anyway, she'd done some research after that (and by research, she meant snooping around for rumors), eventually figuring out that the tiny moth-aliens were the kids of one Mr. Tennyson, who was often too busy with his work as a Plumber (not a plumber, a Plumber- the intergalactic, mock-MiB kind) to drive them to school and was therefore still pretty much just a faceless figure to everyone except maybe the teachers- who, however, refused to disclose any information for privacy's sake- and a few mothers, including one certain Patricia Bailey, mother of Aishleigh Bailey and suspiciously eel-looking, allegedly human woman, who also refused to say anything about the man except for a disgusted "he's a bumbling savage, that's what he is", hinting to, as the kids put it those days, some beef between them.

Which, of course, meant that when she'd heard that Mr. Tennyson himself, in the flesh (or whatever equivalent) was going to be present at the PTA meeting, she found herself consumed by morbid curiosity, wondering about how her first meeting with an adult alien on a more personal basis was going to go.

And then, on the big day, a very young, very human looking man walked in, apologizing for his tardiness, and she almost (loudly) exclaimed "why are you not a blue butterfly man" in her surprise.

A moment later, seeing the venomous stare Baeely- er, Bailey and Tennyson sent each other, Linda realized that it was going to be a long, long day.

 

 

oOo

 

 

As it happens, Tennyson sat right next to Linda, sporting a massive grimace.

Although, to be fair, it was the last available spot, and the look of dread on his face could easily be explained by how close Bailey's seat was to his, as he shot Linda a mildly nervous, though not unfriendly grin.

As Mrs.McArthur prattled on about this and that (something about the theater club, thus nothing that involved Linda or her precious Christopher firsthand), she took the chance to chat up a bit with the guy, in what she hoped wasn't (but probably was) apparent for the curiosity-fueled question spree it actually was.

From up close, he looked even younger than she'd thought at first. Maybe in his early twenties, barely old enough to drink, which would've easily put him squarely in the "teen parent" category when his kids had been born- assuming, of course, that it wasn't just a moderately clumsy attempt at looking human enough to fit in terran society. Either way, it made her more than a bit uncomfortable.

"So, is your wife the necromorph?"

"Necrofriggian" corrected Benjamin, with the somewhat long-suffering face of someone far too used to both that particular question and to that specific mistake. "But, no. I, ah-" a blush went up his neck, and he laughed nervously. "Well, you could say I'm a mixed kid. Grandpa was a Plumber, met someone on the job, you know how it goes."

That shut her up.

 

 

oOo

 

 

The reason behind Patricia and Benjamin's mutual distaste became apparent really soon, also thanks to the commentary kindly provided by one of the other mothers.

Of course, Linda knew perfectly well about Patricia's husband, Lt. Bailey. How couldn't she, when all Patricia did during the neighbourhood barbecues was bragging about him and try and pull rank for the most inane sh- er, stuff?

Well, apparently Benjamin had managed, in the first hour of the first PTA meeting he'd shared with her, to casually mention that "military spouse" wasn't actually a job, and that being a Plumber he technically outranked her husband either way, and by quite a lot.

Patricia had, of course, taken that as a mortal offense (because of course she did), and ever since then, she'd tried to justify her sheer hatred of the man in a number of ways that went from the reasonable to the less than, with Tennyson himself responding to every provocation without missing a beat (especially when they involved his children, which was... most of the time, admittedly) and thus escalating things to ridiculous, utterly cartoonish levels every single time they had the chance to talk, making it impossible for anyone to get a word in edgewise.

Linda took one of the gluten-free mini sandwitches from the plate, as she tried her best to ignore Ben standing up to shout some epithets she wouldn't be comfortable repeating out loud.

 

 

oOo

 

 

"Really? Another 'illegal alien' joke? You already used it last week, Patricia. Running out of ideas, are we?"

Karen tapped away on her phone, trying to beat the Candy Crush level she'd been stuck on all week.

"All I'm saying is that maybe you should show some more respect to the people that welcomed you and your... spawn, on the planet!"

"Welcomed- I was literally born and raised in this town!"

Gertrud looked out of the window, mind clearly lost in some faraway land Linda knew she couldn't even hope to reach.

"Well, maybe if you spelled 'Ashley' like a normal human being, your poor daughter would be able to write her own name."

Huh. How did they manage to switch to a different argument every time she zoned out? It was kind of impressive.

"Said the one who named his brats after puns."

"They're traditional names, you racist fu-"

Mrs.McArthur quietly looked up, utter disinterest in her eyes, before going back to her card game with Samantha, Meghan and Susan.

"You don't know the struggle-"

"The struggle? Oh, I'm sorry, upper middle class housewife with an only child! I wasn't aware that you struggled more than a teenage single father juggling a job and fourteen kids-"

"Right, for all we know they're not even yours, they're just strays you found on the highway-"

At that, Mrs.McArthur finally looked up again, this time in alarm. "Mr.Tennyson-"

Green light flooded the room, and a massive, very blue, very inhuman looking moth-person stood in Benjamin's place. "Say that again, 'Trisha."

Oh, so that's how that worked was all Linda's brain could come up with at that.

 

 

oOo

 

 

"I'm sorry I lost my temper. It was childish and definitely inappropriate of me."

"It's uh, it's alright, Mr.Tennyson. The important thing is that no one got hurt."

Well, not seriously at least. Patricia had a very mild case of frostbite due to her closeness to Benjamin after he transformed, but nothing that couldn't be treated with some warmth.

It... definitely wasn't alright. But, reasoned Linda, Mrs.McArthur probably wasn't going to say that to the somewhat volatile and heavily protective shapeshifting alien father.

To his credit, he looked genuinely contrite- though more so for scaring everyone else than for freezing Patricia, who was still shrieking like a banshee about suing him for assault and battery and treason while Meghan tried to explain to her that no, she could not actually do that and she knew that because she had a lawyer sister.

Eventually, to everyone's relief, they convinced her not to press charges, and him to change back to his more human appearance, and the meeting finally picked up where it left off.

Though, Linda wisely decided to leave as Rachel made a rather unfortunate comment about alien eggs.

Chapter 2

Chapter Text

Dorkosaurus Rex: Ben, I know they can all float and therefore aren't really at risk of hurting themselves if they fall, but how do I get Brrserk and Snowman to get off the fridge?

Dorkosaurus Rex: They look like two gargoyles. It's a bit unsettling. I haven't felt this observed since the first six months at Providence.

Dorkosaurus Rex: Ben?

Dorkosaurus Rex: Hellooooo?

Dorkosaurus Rex: Earth to Ben Tennyson, are you there?

Dorkosaurus Rex: Oh, fuck me, you're not online, are you.

 

 

oOo

 

 

"Not that I don't appreciate being treated to a nice, super greasy fast food based lunch, but there has to be a reason you tore up reality and called me here. Right?"

Ben gulped down his morsel. He looked nervous- never a good sign, but Rex figured he could be a good friend and wait for him to explain himself instead of jumping the gun and assuming that something was up. "I wish I could say I only did it to spend some time as buddies, but truth to be told, I need a favour."

"Which is?"

"Say, how good are you with kids?"

Rex blinked. Not what he'd been expecting, that was for sure. "I'm... alright with them, I guess. Why, need a babysitter?"

Ben nodded with a grimace. "I can't ask a normal babysitter because they're not exactly... normal human children, if you know what I mean. And, well, Gwen is preparing for her exams, Kev is off planet for the week, grandpa-"

"Yeah, yeah, I get the picture. You needed someone familiar with superpowered shenanigans and I was the only one available."

"And I also figured it was a good occasion to catch up. Two birds with one stone, and all that."

Rex thought about it. "Well, I'm not exactly flattered by the fact that you only thought about inviting me because you needed help-" Ben opened his mouth, ready to protest "- but I do aknowledge that hanging out for the hell of it can be troublesome when we live in different dimensions. And, this sounds fun. I'm in."

The other punched the air with a grin, attracting a few questioning stares from the other patrons. "Hell yes! You're a lifesaver, I could actually kiss you right now."

"I just saw you down your body weight in onion rings, so don't even think about it" he replied with an easy grin. "So. Who do I need to babysit? Your little cousins? A friend's kids? Your nephews?"

"My kids, actually."

Whatever Six, or White Knight, or Holiday, or Caesar, or- yeah, well, whatever they said, Rex was a mature and polite person. So mature, and so polite, that instead of spitting his soda all over Ben upon hearing that, he just fell into a coughing fit that lasted all of five minutes.

 

 

oOo

 

 

Dorkosaurus Rex: Ben, Cold Digger refuses to get out of the wall, what do I do?

Dorkosaurus Rex: Please answer me...

 

 

oOo

 

 

"Kids, this is uncle Rex, say hi."

A chorus of "Hi uncle Rex" rose from the tiny moth-like creatures, and Rex felt his lips quirk up in a smile despite himself.

Cariños.

Cariños that were his friend's alien spawn, and wasn't that still a weird thought. He'd just gotten used to the idea of Ben being part alien even without his fancy metamorphosis wristwatch- Rex may have been a mutant, but he was still human, you know- and now this? Not that he had any prejudice against aliens, obviously! Haha.

Ha.

God, was his life weird.

"Rex, these are Icebreaker, Winterspell, White Album, Black Ice, Winterful, Cold Digger, Snowbite, Snowbody, Snowman, Iceshadow, Brrserk, Blue Ski, Frozecious and Froslass."

Shaken out of his thoughts he quirked an eyebrow in vague amusement. "You named one of your kids after a pokémon?"

Ben grinned sheepishly. "I'd run out of cold-related puns by that point."

 

 

oOo

 

 

Uknown Number: Hey, is this Kevin Levin?

You: ?

You: who are you

You: how did you get this number

You: wait fuck was it Ben

Uknown Number: Uhhhh... yeah?

You: fuuuuck

You: ok look

You: i don't know what he told you, but i'm really not looking for a relationship right now

Uknown Number: ... That's good to know but I think there is a bit of a misunderstanding here.

Uknown Number: I'm babysitting Ben's kids, and he gave me your number in case I need advice or something.

You: oh

You: uh

You: yeah, he, uh, did say something about that

You: Rex, right?

You saved the Uknown Number as Ben's Friend Rex

Ben's Friend Rex: The one and only

You: yeah, sorry about that bud

Ben's Friend Rex: No biggie. Now, taking-care-of-adorable-moth-children advice?

You: right

You: ok so i think Ben told you the basics?

Ben's Friend Rex: Uhh, curfew is at ten pm, no violent movies, no playing around with the microwave, the oven, or the stove, and absolutely no baths because the last time he attempted it the tub froze, along with a good chunk of the surrounding pipes?

You: yes, good

You: now take this advice from someone who had to babysit the little bastards for the past five years

You: do NOT believe Frozecious's puppy eyes

You: they're a great actor

You: you know Puss In Boots from Shrek

You: that's Frozecious

You: they will guilt you into anything but they're a filthy

You: fucking

You: liar

Ben's Friend Rex: ... Fuck.

You: they already used them on you didn't they

Ben's Friend Rex: FUCK.

Ben's Friend Rex: I GAVE THEM TWICE THE ICE CREAM BECAUSE I THOUGHT WINTERSPELL STOLE IT FROM THEM

You: yeah we all fell for it at least once don't worry

You: tell the little monsters that uncle Kev misses them btw

Ben's Friend Rex: AND TWO SERVINGS OF COOKIES

 

 

oOo

 

 

"This is my grandfather's number, and this is Kevin's, and this is Gwen's. If you need help, for any reason, and I'm not available, you can just message them, alright?"

"You're worrying too much, dude. Me and the kiddos are gonna be just fine, even on our own." He shot a look at the one closest to him, who had a vaguely spiral-shaped birthmark on their forehead. "Right?"

Their facial expression didn't change, but Rex could feel their skepticism radiating from them.

Damn it.

 

 

oOo

 

 

Rex Salazar: Uh, mr. Tennyson?

You: I told you, Max is fine.

Rex Salazar: Yeah, Max. Sorry.

You: It's nice to hear from you, did you need something?

Rex Salazar: Well, uh, do you know how to get necrofriggian plasma stains out of faux leather?

 

 

oOo

 

 

You: have you gone insane yet?

Hermanito: Caesar

Hermanito: Caesar Caesar Caesar

You: so it's not going to take much longer, huh.

Hermanito: Caesar

Hermanito: Aside for the fact that it's awfully convenient that my phone works across dimensions.

You: it's not convenient, it's me being a genius and fiddling with your phone PRECISELY for this purpose.

Hermanito: Whatever.

Hermanito: Caesar.

You: yes, Rex, I'm here.

Hermanito sent a picture

Hermanito: Look at this.

You: that...

You: is...

You: ADORABLE.

Hermanito: YEAH

You: are those the alien kids???

Hermanito: SURE ARE

You: they're all cuddling up to you, that's so cute.

Hermanito: It really is but there is one tiny eeny problem.

You: which is?

Hermanito: Necrofriggians have an average body temperature that is under the 14 °F. Aka -10 °C in case you forgot how Farenheit work.

You: oh.

You: oh fuck.

Hermanito: It feels like having 14 moth shaped ice statues drape themselves all over you and trying to syphon body heat.

Hermanito: I am definitely going into hypothermia.

You: stand up then???

Hermanito: I'd feel bad about it tho :(

 

 

oOo

 

 

You: Hey, I'm on my way

Dorkosaurus Rex: Aww, back already? We were having fun.

Dorkosaurus Rex: How was the PTA meeting?

You: I kinda lost my temper at the end, but no one got seriously hurt, so I consider that a win. These things bring out the worst in me

You: Everything alright there? Sorry I didn't respond to your messages

Dorkosaurus Rex: Nah, it's fine. Got your gramps and Kev to give me some advice.

You: Phew, alright then

Dorkosaurus Rex: I'll pay for the TV, of course.

You: Wait what

Notes:

No one:

Absolutely no one:

Ben: https://youtu.be/WbaYmjrcZI8