Archive of Our Own ^beta

The smell of the sea felt different now and yet still the same. Something about it is promising that the small town hasn't changed but at the same time, it doesn't. Poorly written vandalisms from teenagers are fading on the walls of the small stores just by the basketball court. There are newly painted fences around the cliff where the lighthouse stands. A small burger house is now standing on the intersection of the theatre. The houses still look the same, only that the Park's and Kim’s had their lot expanded. There are other changes and their town looked new, but it doesn’t really give him any interest in going around town to check the newly built stores and stuff. He’s just sure women will be in the clothing stores all day again like how he always sees before. It hasn’t really changed at all, everyone is still the same.

Yuta came home after travelling alone for 3 years. After graduating college, the first thing that went through his head was to get inside the car he fixed, with money and food and things he needed, and ride the whole country for 3 years, (although he had to work for 2 years before the actual travel, he was pretty fine with it. The part-time job sustained him enough money to get through it anyways.) To be pretty honest, Yuta didn't know how he lasted for 3 years without mailing his mother for money. Maybe it was the determination, and because he's also so sick of everything going on around him already. His life was a pretty mess, but not the mess that everyone gets sappy for. 

It's just a small common story. Just a boy that can't have his freedom because his parents are too strict so once he got the chance, he ran away and never said a thing. It was 1950, new year, when he took his car and went without a word to his older sister or mother. Just rode the top-down car towards wherever it’ll take him.

But coming home just like that also means that he's going to get interviewed many times about where he went and what he did. He can always share it to his closest friends, but never to some that just wants gossip to run around. Gossips are nothing but pain in the ass and the longer it goes on, the bigger the change in the story. Yuta doesn't like attention too, so he'd rather just lock himself on the walls of his room again or hang out with his friends every now and then. Work doesn't really slip from his mind lately.

“Welcome home!” Mark, one of the closest kids he grew up with, came running to him all excited. Only that the kid he knew wasn't this tall– “Yuta, it's me, Mark!”

Yuta stares for a moment, trying to process the Mark they're talking about.

“Mark? Like, Mark Lee?” Yuta asks, his face plasters an obvious confusion that Mark only laughs at.

“Dude, you were gone for 3 years. What happened that you just forget about me like that? That's not fair!” He laughs.

Yuta doesn't remember the Mark he knew to be this tall. He used to be skinny, and looked like someone could just stab him and he would still be scared to ask for help. This- This Mark looks like a man and honestly, that scared him for a bit. (And because he also has personal issues with it.) His hair is weirdly messy, has facial hair and his eyes are clearly tired from whatever he does now. When did that little boy grow up?

“You- I don't remember you looking like this.” Yuta confesses, scratching the back of his neck as he smiles awkwardly.

Mark laughs, “Yeah. I don't remember you having long hair either.” He says.

Mark leans on Yuta’s car. It was still the same old car, only had a few new stickers around and scratches from the ride. It doesn't look messy unlike how Mark pictured it would, and to his surprise it also smells good. Maybe it's the perfume. Yuta likes using perfumes so much anyways.

“Did Johnny and Jaehyun move out?” Yuta asks, trying to be comfortable with the space he is in right now. “Before I went away, Taeil hyung said he’s finding a new house.” He says.

Well, it was pretty awkward at first because suddenly, Mark came running up to him screaming his name like a little kid who saw the ice cream man in the street. Mark has always been a little too bubbly and remembering that, surely, this is the Mark he remembers from 3 years ago.

“No, they didn’t. Jaehyun works at the house at the end of the highway while Johnny… he now owns that same cabaret house his parents built from the ground.” Mark says, “Only I don't believe that his parents just left it like that to him…” and Yuta laughs at him. Yeah, this is definitely Mark. “Taeil hyung works there, too! He uses his beautiful vocals now. I still can’t believe we forced him to sing sometimes in the cabaret.”

“Taeil hyung loves singing a little too much, you know? And I may have gone for 3 years but I do clearly remember that the Suhs pretty much told Johnny to take care of it sooner or later, young man.” Yuta chuckles.

“What young man? And no! I don't remember that. Did Johnny tell you that? He didn't-” Mark stutters the words.

Mark is cute when he talks like this.  He still stutters over small things. Yuta can still remember how many times he made the boy nervous just to see him stutter the words he wanted to say. Call it a little admiration, and to admit it, yes, Yuta did admire the younger man so much before. The admiration that he began staying up all night, wanting to hold hands and watch the stars on the seashore.

“Let’s just go.” Yuta laughs at the man. He remembers now why he adored Mark 5 years ago.

Well, it was weird at first. He didn't know it. One day, he liked girls (it was a long haired brunette that wears pretty dresses) and then the next, his heart suddenly thumps for a laughing Mark in front of the line of the ferris wheel. It was… It scared him because at that time, it wasn't normal. Everyone's normal was liking the same gender (even until now that he came back) so this, the idea of him liking his friend– male friend –scared him. Maybe… It was also one of the reasons that he ran away. The slight homophobia he had, jumped out of his skin and told him to be normal like everyone else. Yuta didn’t know what normal was before and until now, but he’s learning and he has met many people by now. Hooked up with some of them, even. But those were fucks without feelings, he can just leave them after, while the thing for his best friend is big and he can’t think of any option but to run away.

Mark is a ball of sunshine. He likes jokes, he loves laughing. He processes things a bit slower than others but when he gets it, he would laugh until it goes away from his mind. Everything he does is just adorable, and he likes watermelons so much that it's the only fruit he eats in summer (Yuta likes that fact about him so much.) 

Yuta grew up with Mark although the latter is much younger than he is. It made him adore the smaller a little too much because of it as well. Of course he was also with Johnny, Jaehyun and Taeil but those were nothing whenever he saw Mark before. But Yuta thinks that the 3 years of driving away from the small town made him forget about those little butterflies whenever he sees Mark. That's good, right? He doesn't really need to tell anyone he had a crush for a boy 4 years younger than him, does he?

Yuta pulls up the car in front of the ‘house’ Mark is talking about. It was just a small milkshake house on the outside that sells waffles and butterbeers, burgers and coffees, maybe some hotdogs and eggs in the menu. It is just the frontage of the show, just a little store for the locals to come and enjoy but that's really not the main attraction. If you are old enough, you get to see the cabaret-speakeasy just below it. The cherry neon red and white theme above becomes black and yellowish-gold under, dimming with orange lights and a spotlight in the middle of the stage. And the smell of cigarettes and beer will greet you. Yuta knew about this place before but because they were too young to go in, Johnny just tells him stories about how it was underneath the milkshake themed house in front.

As soon as Mark and Yuta got outside the car, Johnny came running, greeting the boy with a smile. The taller boy has always been so intimidating but not around his closest friends. Mark watches Johnny ask the same questions he had in mind to be answered by Yuta and Yuta answers them all patiently. 

“You grew your hair!” Johnny said, “I was planning to grow mine as well and what did I tell you? It would suit you!” He says excitedly. 

Yes, the long ginger hair (he dyed it) really did suit Yuta unexpectedly. He just let it grow on the trip and was shocked to see it suit him so he let it that way. Just a remembrance from the end-to-end trip of the country.

Johnny has always been supportive of anything his friends do. This isn't new. But Yuta feels so new right now. Like something happened before he stepped again to the grounds of their small town. He loves this, he missed this—and he can only smile at everyone right now.

“Well, it's pretty. It made me look kinda badass and you know I like that.” Yuta says and Johnny laughs. “Where's Jaehyun, though?” He asks.

“As usual, he's with the other boys. He’s down the house. We met some other guys after graduating and I badly want you to meet them.” Johnny says, eyeing Mark who is now leading the way into the cabaret-speakeasy.

The music changes as soon as they walk down the stairs. The sweet music faded, overlayed until it’s gone by the jazzy music from the small band playing in the corner while all these old men and women were drinking around the place. Yuta barely sees someone their age except for the waiters and bartenders. Johnny told him that he now runs this place because apparently, his parents went away to Chicago which was pretty far from here. Someone just has to take care of the milkshake house and the cabaret-speakeasy under it. And besides, Johnny loves people so much, this isn't much. Entertainment has always been in his blood since day 1.

There is a small gambling corner on the left and a stage that is unexpectedly big. Big red and gold curtain covers the main attraction, while the side of the stage is filled with fake flowers for design. Maybe Johnny renovated the area—It's really big and tall, it doesn't look like a basement at all. It's pretty cool to have a creative friend now, he thinks. Yuta is pretty amazed that his friend really owns this just after 3 years of not coming home and it's big and successful, as well. Something he didn't really expect but at the same time, expected from Johnny.

“There's Jaehyun–” Johnny points, “–right there serving the best tequila in the house.” Johnny smirks, waving at his friend and the boy's eyes widen at the sight of Yuta.

“Yuta!”

“Jaehyun!”

“Oh my god! Welcome home!” He shouts brightly although his voice is getting muffled by the band playing. 

The band is pretty young. He thinks the oldest there was their friend, Taeil. Yuta made a note to himself to ask Johnny about it later though. About the band, he means. “Your hair! Oh, It looks so good on you!” Jaehyun is pretty excited about this.

“Yeah, I guess…” Yuta giggles. It felt like a really really long time since the last time he saw Jaehyun and yes, Jaehyun is the closest person he has ever been with in the group.“Will Taeil hyung join us later?” He asks.

Johnny’s head snapped towards the band, “Taeil hyung!” He shouts.

Customers looked at them which made Yuta shy a little bit. Taeil smiled as soon as he heard the boy calling his name. Taeil came running towards the counter where Jaehyun served 4 glasses for his friends, leaving the band for a moment. The thing about them is that—this group doesn't feel like getting old. Of course they do, but once they get together, everything feels the same as before he left. Yuta still feels the same warm feeling inside him whenever his friends are near and it is the best feeling in the world. He may be the cold boy with anger issues before but with his friends, everything is just warm and beautiful and he wants everything to stay this way always.

Johnny told him about how the speakeasy was renovated and how it almost went down. Older residents didn't want him to run the house because he was ‘too young’ for it but Johnny proved them wrong like how he always does. He took the house from his parent's hands and ran it on his own. He's planning on expanding it and making a garage theatre somewhere around but of course, he still needs to plan it well or else everyone would be on his tail again.

“Look at them enjoying my place after trying to pull me down,” Johnny rolls his eyes. “Motherfuckers.”

“Well, at least now they know you can do anything at your will.” Mark laughs.

“I swear to God, I was so close to throwing at them but I just had to hold it in. If Yuta was here, he wouldn't hold back and punch that old guy's face. Look at how he laugh at the money he got!” Johnny points at the man gambling his money and Yuta only laughs.

Johnny with his kind patience. Yuta can never be that kind. He can, but he just won't. He's so impatient and he wants to punch everyone that blocks his way. He still remembers how many warnings he had in highschool and college because he can't keep his hands in his pockets. Either he’s the one starting the fight, or someone pulled him into the fight. He was almost expelled and thrown to a different school but Johnny and Jaehyun backed him up. They can't lose their friend in their last year, oh no, they had to come up with a good story to make their friend stay.

“Have you gone to your house?” Mark turns around, smiling with his big sparkling eyes and Yuta is thankful that his feelings have gone away with the travel he just had. “Momoka noona and Auntie have always been asking me if you mailed us.”

“Not yet. I will later, I guess. It’s not like I’m not going to see them.” Yuta smiles.

“By that topic, why didn't you mail us? We didn't even know if you're dead or alive or something,” Mark pouts. “You like– vanished and then came back like nothing happened. If you hadn’t called before getting here, I wouldn’t even know.”

“I like adventures.” Yuta smiles.

The sun had already set when Yuta came to the speakeasy and he clearly doesn't track time because this is a basement and there are no windows here. Johnny is telling them about his plans to expand the house, and the other things he would love to do. Jaehyun serves the drinks to other customers and would go back to talk to them after while Mark, like he always does, just listens and laughs and goes with the flow.

“Johnny, I think the ladies are ready.” A boy, just about their height, stood in front of Johnny. 

“What time is it?” Johnny asked, “Are they ready for the act?” He asks and the boy nods, glancing towards Yuta and grins.

“Rose would be so delighted about this. Should I tell him you got a visitor?” He asks.

Jaehyun's eyes quickly gaze on them, and Mark giggles at it. Johnny nods slightly, making Yuta confused about what is happening. Oh, he does know about the ladies and the cabaret dancers and what they do—but for what is this special performance as if they knew he's going home today? “Kun, tell him to give the best performance.” Johnny told him.

Kun smiles, walking to the backstage where the ladies are waiting for the performance to start.

Every 9 PM there is a performer that makes everyone crazy in the house. Johnny, like the competitive man he is, picked them one by one, choosing the best among the rest and now Yuta has to witness it. Just for a night. And if he doesn't like it, he can go straight home or ignore the fact that there is a band playing some pretty sexy jazz music in the corner of the place. Yuta does like the idea of it though because from how Mark excitedly giggles beside him, he knows this will be a great show.

“It's saturday!” Mark says, eyes glued on the stage in the middle of the room. “You don't always get to see the rose performing beautifully.” He grins.

That grin made Yuta's heart get excited as well. His hands were sweating when Taeil and the other boys started to hit the instruments—(it was just the intro and yet, goosebumps started to give way on his body) and everyone, including Yuta, sat in silence. The curtains slowly go up and there he is—a boy, (which Yuta didn't expect) sitting on a chair alone with a rose on his mouth. He’s smirking, and Yuta is awed.

Yuta froze in his spot. He didn't hear clearly that Kun and Johnny were referring to a 'he' earlier so it shocked him to see a masked boy sitting right there, hands on beautiful placement on his body and moving slowly with every beat of the band. The boy is wearing silky see-through cloth and his face is full of makeup that highlights every part that isn't covered with the mask. His eyes (that are shadowed by the mask) look so innocent and yet so sinful at the same time, Yuta had no time to process anything else. He was mesmerized and he can only think about the beautiful boy's body carefully dancing on the chair. 

“You have no idea how the rose gets so much tip for that beautiful performance. Everyone comes just to see his show.” Mark says, almost breathless when the performer spreads his legs and locks his eyes on every audience he sees. 

“He is so pretty.”

“And lovely,” Jaehyun adds.

The performer then stood up and tangled himself with the curtains that fell from the ceiling. His body flying in the air as it carries him. The lack of space didn't really matter. His eyes are still focused on the audience, and he’s smiling with every move. He then saw an unfamiliar face in the town and Yuta felt his spine shiver at it. Yuta knew that this performance is for him to get excited, he clearly heard Johnny earlier. The rose's eyes are big and pretty and getting attention from it felt so good. Yuta mentally slapped himself to remind that this is his first time seeing the performer but the stare was so pulling, he couldn't think of anything else. He’s just seated there, breathless with no thoughts inside his head. The show was incredible.

“He's our best,” Jaehyun whispers before pouring another drink to another customer. “Rose has always been really improving. Just joined the other month so this is his first time playing with a chair. It's your lucky day, I guess.” He chuckles.

“Why is he called the rose?” 

Mark just smiles, hands gripping tightly on the beer Jaehyun served him with eyes still on the dancer, “He just took that name. Ask Johnny, maybe he knows.” He said.

But Johnny is out of sight. Yuta didn't even realize how fast Johnny slipped out of the room. The performer takes the last spin with the music and bows, smiling to Taeil who is also smiling back. Taeil mouthed good job and the boy thanked him and Yuta is left with questions that he wanted to be answered fast.

“Where's Johnny?” Yuta asks.

“Going home early. His lover waits for him every Saturday, earlier than usual.” Jaehyun says, “I will close this place at 11 PM. Are you going to wait?” He asks.

Yuta hesitates. He can stay and ask for the boy's name, or ask Johnny the next day. Or just bother his other friends but that would be weird and they might tease him for having a crush at first sight. He still does admit that the performer is fire in that performance. He did really well. Really well that it would be on his mind for days.

He just wishes that he can just… ask like a normal person would. 

“No… I- I'll head home now.” Yuta says.

🌸

Now, he's sitting in front of his window and staring at the sea like he used to before. Yuta doesn't mind not knowing the mysterious boy's name at first meeting, he usually doesn't. The girls in bars he went to before don’t really stay in his mind even for a minute. But tonight felt different. Maybe it was how the performer sways with the music, or the way his hands were all over his body—Yuta doesn’t really know. He has so many questions left unanswered that he has nothing to do but to just stare at the horizon, mind flying somewhere else, wishing the questions in his head will be answered by the stars.

He used to fix himself, his thoughts, his personal problems, just by staring at the sea but Yuta's mind is too occupied by the boy in the speakeasy, stuck at that hour when the performer locked eyes with him for a moment and continued dancing to a song Yuta first heard of tonight. The boy is beautiful even with his mask on and he can only imagine what his face is behind it. His smile, his laugh, his voice- Yuta stops himself. This is ridiculous for him. 

For the past 3 years of having different people sit and ride with him inside his car and meeting others on bars, he had never been attached like this. Yuta didn't like attachment with people he barely knew. He doesn't like attachments even for the closest people he's been with. He doesn't even remember anything from the people in the past trip he had. He can't even remember the hair color of the girl who last sat inside his car. 

Yuta laughs to himself, “Am I getting doomed?” He told himself. “This isn’t real, is it?”

The habit of talking to nothing is still there. He sighs, “But if I ask Johnny tomorrow is he going to tease me or something?” He asks again, shaking his head. “I do want to know who that rose is, though.” He told himself.

Yes, that rose.

That rose would kill him with its thorns if he didn't learn anything else about him right at this moment. Sleep didn't come to him until the first bird chirped from the trees. Yuta sighs, coming down from his window to lay down on his cold, unfamiliar bed. He can meet the rose other days after this, right? He should. Probably.

But the next day was a little busy. Johnny doesn't need any other hands on the cabaret but Yuta insists on working there. Do little things like cleaning before and after the show, or serve, or anything just to help. Johnny has enough hands to do those but of course, he can always give a spot for his friend and besides, Yuta seems so desperate.

Well, earlier that day, Yuta's mom and older sister were so happy to see him. They asked everything they wanted to know, the life, the struggle, even the love interest he had in mind and truthfully, it was awkward and Yuta doesn't like getting stuck on a conversation like that. It exhausts and embarrasses him so much, he just had to leave. Momoka, his sister, is a very careful woman. And seeing his brother now after 3 years of no contact made her tear up (which made everything even more stiff for Yuta), now Yuta is stuck on the cabaret to find a job to run away from his parents again.

“Dude, you need to just talk it out to your parents, you know.” Mark tells him.

Yuta shakes his head, “My parents are japanese, Mark. They're not as loose as your parents are.” He says, chuckling.

“My parents are korean, though.” Mark says, “Besides, you can't have your ass running every time you want to. For Christ's sake, you are 25!” Mark says.

“Yeah, and you're 21.” Yuta shrugs, “I don't need a reminder for my age, Mark. I would run if I get the slightest chance but you know, I still need to start little unlike Johnny who owns this place in an instant.” He glances at their friend who is assisting the other workers of the cabaret.

Jesus, if Yuta gets the very chance to run away or move house in an instant, he would. He doesn't want to be stuck in a house with his sister (that doesn't want to get married apparently, that's why his parents are also asking about his love life now), and his mother that controls everything about him. Mark's parents like everything their son does, and if Yuta asks if he can stay there for the next 6 years, they would, without a doubt, say yes. Like Johnny's parents, and Jaehyun's. Sometimes, Yuta wonders how he can still stand his parents. He could've just run away and never come back but he still came back.

The next 3 days were pretty tiring. Yuta had to clean before and after the shows like how he promised. Helped the bartenders set the beers in the right places and sweep the floor until it's crystal clear. He served nearly a hundred just this night and had already witnessed half of the customers going insane just from drinking. But the main reason why he badly wants to work here in the first place wasn't here.

The rose didn't perform tonight again, and he forgot to ask Johnny about it.

🌸

“Here, you already met Kun. Taeil hyung, and his boys. Xiaojun who serves Jaehyun's mixes, Jungwoo, the performer last night and Ten–” Johnny stops, smiling to the boy, “my beloved.” He says.

Yuta stops processing everything on what Johnny said. Beloved? Like, a boyfriend or something? “Ten is your lover?” Yuta faces Jaehyun to confirm it and the younger one nods slowly.

“Why?”

“You're… queer? What do I call this?” Yuta's confusion, visible in his eyes, made Johnny laugh. 

“Yes. Love works differently. I thought Stacey was the love of my life and yet here we are,” Johnny glances at the beautiful petite boy walking to the backstage before smiling so lovely, so in love.

Johnny is in love. With a man. That was something unexpected. Yuta clearly tried to avoid liking Mark because of how scared he was, even went across the whole country to avoid it and now he just learns that his other friend is… a homosexual. Yuta tried to hide the main reaction he had for this but clearly, Johnny notices it like how he always does.

“If you judge us everyday like that, I swear to god I'll kick you out of the cabaret.” He says, smiling. The smile that made Yuta scared. 

Ten is also a performer, along with Jungwoo that also enjoys company with men. Apparently, there are only 3 men that dance with the ladies. Yuta has met the 2 but the last, the rose, hasn't been in the house for days and he always forgets to ask Johnny or anyone about it all the time (maybe because he's also scared that they would judge him like how he did with Ten and Johnny). He tries to avoid asking questions to Ten to avoid any conflict and yes, he does think that maybe being him (the 5 years ago him) isn't so bad at all. Maybe if he wasn't so scared…

🌸

“Hyung?” Mark opens the door.

It is Friday night. Yuta can't sleep and now he's sitting outside Mark's house, just on the porch, watching the stars that are too blurry for his eyes to see. The cold air hits his skin differently, kind of comforting, and he likes it. Yuta wants to have peace with his mind but Mark, and the beautiful performer, and what he feels about this all, it kind of frustrates him in a way he doesn't know how. Confusing, and scary, and all these emotions he doesn't seem to determine. It's 1953, what is love for a man in this year of time?

Yuta looks up, “Hey, Mark.” He says.

“It's almost 3 AM, what are you doing here outside my house?” He asks, “You look like a creep.” Mark chuckles, his voice cracks with the low tone.

“I'm planning to murder you,” Yuta jokes and the latter laughs at him. 

Of course that's a joke. Yuta says that joke all the time. Mark knows it when the elder has so much in his mind. He says pretty inappropriate things, or tells jokes that make him cringe. This is probably one of those nights but only that Mark's not sure what to say now because it's too late and he doesn't know what exactly is going on. Yuta doesn't say anything else, just sits there, hands in his pocket as the November breeze touches his skin, he's so safe. Here, in this part of the town.

Mark sits beside Yuta, “What are you thinking?” He asks.

So much. There is so much going on.

“You.” Yuta says, “And my heart, and how I can't seem to understand anything of what is happening.” He didn't smile, he didn't chuckle like how he usually ends his words so Mark just sat there, listening.

“At first, you confused me.” Yuta finally confesses, “You are the first person I genuinely liked for the past years. I don't know if I’m queer, or anything in that area—I don't really understand that. And then I stopped liking you after I ran away, your laughs don't make my heart flutter anymore.” He doesn't look at Mark so it won't look awkward or anything. “But then… the rose, that beautiful performer, started everything again. I barely know him, I don't even know his name, I haven't even seen him outside of the cabaret—but I've been thinking about him lately. He makes me smile.”

Mark smiles at that. He doesn't know what to say but he surely, very smoothly, sinks everything that Yuta is saying. He barely knows how to handle this stuff but he can pretend and eventually he will know. Mark is a very understanding person, and knowing this information (like how Johnny confessed that he was homosexual before) he would probably just be comfortable with it later on. Mark doesn’t really care if his friends like someone with the same gender as them, he thinks he likes one guy somewhere, too, but he’s not yet ready to say that.

“Dong Sicheng.” Mark says, and Yuta looks at him now. “It was Sicheng hyung. You can call him Winwin, but prefers Rose when he's on stage. That hyung only performs on Saturdays that’s why you haven't seen him much. It's friday. You get to see him tomorrow night again.” He flashes his cutest smile, the smile Yuta so loved before, and Mark laughs.

“Thank you.”

“Always welcome for my most favorite hyung.” Mark says, staying with Yuta for the rest of the night outside his house.

🌸

So Yuta waited. He watched Sicheng perform on stage the next day, and the next week, and the next next week and the whole 3 months of being silent about it. Mark hasn't told anyone about the confession, hasn't really brushed it on his mind lately just to avoid any talk about it with Yuta and besides, the elder looks like he's finally just taking one step at a time. Yuta adores Sicheng on stage, and he doesn't plan on talking to him until he's ready to take a huge step in his life.

Well, that depends.

“You're japanese.” An unfamiliar voice said, stating an obvious fact, so Yuta turned around to see who it was. 

The boy has light brown hair, doe eyes and a pretty smile. The smile that makes Yuta panic but doesn't show it. He looks familiar and not at the same time.

“Yes, why?” Yuta asks.

The boy shakes his head, “You are the friend Johnny hyung, Jaehyun and Mark always talk about.” He says and Yuta's brows cocks at it. 

What is he talking about?

“Uhm, excuse me but who are you?” Yuta finally asks, intrigued by the boy's words. 

The latter flicks his lighter, taking out a stick from his cigarette box and lights it. Yuta doesn't care if the smoke touches his skin, he just stares at the boy. The pretty boy exhales before answering the latter, “Sicheng. Dong Sicheng,” He says. 

Yuta froze. Sicheng. The boy he adores. The exact boy he dreams of every night to hold hands with, and maybe do more. The exact same boy that made him confess to Mark all of a sudden in the middle of the night. Yuta doesn't know what to say, or feel, or react—he just froze there realizing and sinking everything just now. Sicheng chuckles at the reaction and Yuta's blood rises on his cheeks.

“You're cute. Get me any beer, tell Jaehyun. He knows my usual.” Sicheng says. 

“Yes ma'am– I mean sir, yes, Sicheng– what-” Yuta panics.

Sicheng laughs, watching the japanese boy walk away, embarrassed. Yuta planned so long what Sicheng's first impression would be but he didn't expect him to talk to him like this. He hasn't seen Sicheng behind the mask or backstage. This is the first time he ever saw the boy in person and it really did surprise him how beautiful Sicheng really is. His eyes are so pretty and big, and it looked like it held so many things all at once. Oh, how his heart flutters once again for a boy like a teenager. He smiles to himself.

“You look so happy, what's up?” Jaehyun asks.

“Uh, beer, Dong Sicheng’s usual drink,” Yuta's eyes are still locked on where Sicheng sits and Jaehyun notices it, laughing to himself at how Yuta reacts.

“So you've met our pretty Sicheng. I’m shocked you only met him now, he’s always on that corner every now and then. You’ve been home for like months already,” Jaehyun says, Yuta only nods. “Tell him to have a good performance later I said.” 

“Okay. I will.”

When Yuta comes back, he can't keep his eyes away from Sicheng's face. The latter, who is still smoking, doesn't mind anyways (he’s so used to people staring at him already, this isn’t new) and Yuta looks like he's not aware of what is happening. He looks like a fool and the pretty boy is enjoying it.

No words are exchanged after, though. No more eye contact, no smiles. Yuta walks away, but his eyes are now only all for Sicheng's.

🌸

The next few months were bearable enough. Sicheng sits on the same seat every 5 PM, (Yuta noticed how Sicheng became so regular at the cabaret at this time) getting his usual order, with a pack of cigarettes on the table and the red and black lighter he always uses. Yuta would always glance at the boy, watching him, observing the way he smiles so softly to anyone that talks to him. How his eyes fade when he laughs at jokes old men would tell, and how his voice cracks when he calls Mark over. Yuta learns that Sicheng moved just a year after he went away—explains why he's not that familiar to him but he became friends with Jaehyun that introduced him to Mark and Johnny. 

Yuta is too scared to ask Sicheng directly so instead, he asks this to Mark. The only person that knows what's going on at the moment. He hasn't really told this to Johnny yet. The man is too busy to talk to anyone, anyways.

It's already 12 AM. Yuta is walking home from the cabaret when a familiar silhouette ghosts around the corner of an alley just along the highway. Mark and Jaehyun went home early today, and he’s the one that closed the house. Another figure followed the former and it made Yuta walk faster to see what was going on.

He peeks on the corner and he sees Sicheng on the wall. A white old man, probably in his 70's, has his pants down on his knees. The dancer's brows are knit together, and he’s trembling so hard he looked like he would fall down any second. The old man laughs to himself, trying to walk forward but then Sicheng shouts.

“Stop! Don’t come near me!” Sicheng shouted in chinese but the old man didn’t listen. “Please, go away!” He says.

“Oh, pretty boy, don’t you want me?” The old man coos to him, “I can give you money.”

“I- I don’t need that!”

“Baby, of course you do. You dance in that filthy cloth to earn right? Don’t you want some good fuck for it?” This time, Sicheng is already crying but the old man is still trying to get his lips on the boy’s neck and it is suffocating him. He wants to run away so badly.

He’s scared, and he’s shaking so bad. But then as the man tried to kiss him again, he kicked the old man and ran away completely from the alley. He turned to the next corner where Yuta was waiting and the japanese boy felt so guilty for just witnessing what happened. He could’ve helped him but he just stood there, which was very cowardly.

As soon as the man is out of sight, Sicheng falls on the ground. Started sobbing as tears fell down on his cheeks. Yuta's blood boils but he can't move. He stood there, watching. Sicheng looks up only to see Yuta and that's when Yuta finally speaks up, “What happened?” He asks, although he clearly saw everything.

“Yuta–” Sicheng sobs. “Yuta, yuta–” He continuously said, running to him.

The old man is gone, but the way Sicheng is trembling is uncontrollable. How many times has this happened that Sicheng was so scared? How many times has this happened that Sicheng shakes so hard like this? Yuta tries to calm the latter down but Sicheng hugs him so tight, face burying on the crook of his neck as if he doesn't want to let go. Yuta feels surprised but he can't say anything because it might be taken the wrong way. Sicheng stays like that for some minute and he pulls away.

“Can you- can you walk me home?” Sicheng asked and Yuta didn't need to be asked to say yes. 

He was just going to offer that, anyway.

So they walked beside each other, and Yuta watched Sicheng go inside and close the door. 

🌸

The next few days, Sicheng never talked about it to anyone. Of course, Yuta doesn’t know if he did but clearly, no one is comforting or asking questions to Sicheng so he figured that the latter kept it. Yuta doesn't want to tell that to anyone, either, because it is a personal thing about Sicheng. They never exchanged any words to each other as well which was weird after how Sicheng hugged him so tight that night. But these days, the elder finds himself watching Sicheng walk home from afar, just to make sure he gets home safely and that no one else would try to do the same thing again. That was how it went for the next few months until Mark finally caught up with it.

“Jaehyun hyung told me you have been watching Sicheng hyung every night.” Mark says, raising his eyebrows at the suspicious japanese boy.

Yuta only nods, “What about it?”

“Nothing going on between you two? Are you planning on murdering Sicheng hyung too?” Mark asks and Yuta laughs at it.

“No, dumbass. Why would I murder such beautiful boy?” He asks.

“I don't know. Watching someone that pretty like a stalker each night sounds like murder to me.” Mark states, drinking the beer from the countertop. 

To be really honest, Yuta wants to hit up by now. Probably tell the pretty boy his biggest pick up line just to have a topic to talk about but he's still scared to approach him, let alone talk about what happened that night. Sicheng looks like a private man, someone that doesn't want any love affairs with anyone and Yuta respects that. But Yuta also wants to tell the boy what he feels because now that he's realizing everything, this feeling is so weirdly getting stuck up on his throat and lungs everytime he sees him. Yuta feels so weak around Sicheng, and they haven't even talked that much—and the way, oh how the way Sicheng calls his name that night, it made him feel butterflies. It made him feel so in love and at the same time, not.

Sicheng is something or someone Yuta wants but is too afraid to do the first move. The nights alone in front of the window, watching the skies change color that reflects to the sea while thinking to himself were also the nights when he wanted to walk around and meet Sicheng in front of his house. He just wants to talk, he wants to confess because this growing feeling doesn't feel like ending soon. And he doesn’t want it to end soon, either.

“Honestly, your problem is so complicated.” Mark tells him, “You were queer, starts denying the fact that you’re queer because you don't want to admit you were in love with me and now, you're back being that because you like a boy you barely talk to– you're so weird, dude.” He shakes his head in disappointment.

“I am also confused, myself.” Yuta says.

They both fall into silence and then Mark finally smiles.

“I know where Sicheng hyung goes when he's not around the cabaret.” Mark said, making Yuta's ear perch up in interest. “At the balcony of his house. He likes staring at the sea. His birthday is coming up, he would probably invite the rest of the cabaret crew. Hit him up now, dude.” 

Yuta sits down on the high chair, watching the curtain fall down as the 2nd to the last act for the night ends. Taeil smiles at his band, Jaehyun calling Xiaojun for the drink he serves, Johnny walking around to check on his customers and servers, and Yuta finds himself smiling at it. He didn't know he had a close birthday with the boy.

🌸

Yuta’s birthday came but he had no time for it. He didn’t want anyone to know about it either, and he wanted it to be lowkey. Mark, Jaehyun, Johnny and Taeil were the ones who only knew about it, (and also Ten since Johnny took him with them at the mini-celebration at Yuta’s house). It was a small party between them and nothing big happened. They just got drunk and talked about everything in the past years that Yuta missed out and the whole night, Yuta felt fine.

Mark was right., though, about Sicheng. 

Sicheng invited almost everyone in the cabaret, although the younger boy was too shy to even say a word, (luckily, Jungwoo was there to invite him on behalf of the birthday boy). And as expected, Yuta can't say no, especially when Sicheng’s beautiful eyes stare at him for a moment before staring down on the table. The next thing Yuta knows is he's now standing just beside where the sky-blue curtains fall, on the corner of the room where the drinks are served. Sicheng greets everyone in his sight and everyone greets him happy birthday back, which makes the boy smile widely—the one Yuta hasn't seen much yet.

Mark, Taeil, Johnny and Jaehyun are in their own worlds. Probably drinking or talking somewhere with people they already know. YUta, on the other hand, doesn’t know why he was too exhausted for this right now. So he decides to step out the door just to breathe from being in the middle of the crowd. Chattering fades out as the sliding glass door closes and the curtain hides him from everyone inside. Now it's too dark on the outside – the streetlights don't even hit the right angles to give light on Sicheng's lot. It's good though, because the stars are seen better in the dark. 

The smell of the sea still felt different. Something lacks from it, and Yuta can't still seem to identify it. He sees his house just a few blocks away from where he stands and he leans to flick the lighter he has inside his pocket from earlier. He needs a smoke. 

Yuta closes his eyes as he inhales and the door opens and closes, fading the noise from inside the house again. There was a pretty long silence and Yuta already knew it was Sicheng who stepped outside. “Light me up?” Sicheng finally said.

“You don't have your red lighter?” Yuta asked, opening his eyes to see the latter, slightly smiling as he saw how the latter frowned at what he said.

Sicheng's brow raised, “You weirdly know my lighter.” He said, getting the lighter from Yuta's hands and flicking it open. The reddish-orange fire lights his face, and it somehow makes his cheeks brighter before he blows it off.

“I see you often, that's why.”

There is another silence between them again. This is something that won’t be taken away that easily, Yuta thinks. It’s just hard to think of something to talk about, maybe he’s just thinking how to impress Sicheng at the same time. Yuta doesn’t really know how the heart works. He brushes love out of his mind so bad all the time. But this? This, he knew, is different.

“Jaehyun told me you watch me go home.” Sicheng starts, looking far away past the houses and the trees and the sea. “Thank you. For that night, and for looking out for me.” His soft voice is all Yuta can hear.

“It makes me sound like a creep but I'm just worried you might get hurt on your way home again.” Yuta said, combing his hair with his hands and he doesn't care if the smell of the cigarette would stick on his hair.

“Do you have a telephone? In your house, I mean. I have trouble sleeping these days, and a good talk at night might help.” Sicheng says.

Yuta doubts for a moment. This is his moment, a button for him to take another step forward to Sicheng's life. In just a second, he thinks of everything that can possibly happen between them and at the same time, worried about it all. He nods, though, although the younger isn't looking at him. “Mhm.” He says.

“Write your number down later before going home.” Sicheng smiles at him, turning around to walk back inside again.

Yuta watches him, “Sicheng-” the latter looks back, “Happy birthday.” He said.

🌸

It has been 4 days since Sicheng's birthday. It has been a year since the day that Yuta confessed to Mark about everything that is going on inside his head. This makes Yuta laugh to himself at how the days pass by so fast and the fact that he just starts to have a real connection with Sicheng now? Ridiculous. How long has he been waiting for this, really – and everything is happening just now. This week, this second right now, the long haired boy is on the telephone, watching kids run around the shore while talking to the man he truly adores.

“You called earlier than yesterday,” Yuta said and Sicheng only chuckled.

Yes, for the past 4 days they had been talking through the phone at night before they slept. (Since Yuta did leave his number somewhere on Sicheng’s desk at home and because he really likes this idea). Although Yuta has no trouble sleeping, he pretends he has, and would wait ‘till he hears the little snores Sicheng makes when he’s already deep in slumber. The latter, on the other hand, enjoys the small company Yuta gives and to his surprise, he was comfortable and happy to have an actual conversation with a stranger. (He still treats Yuta as a stranger because apparently, people are too scary for him. Sicheng doesn’t really like people – especially from what they did to him all the time) He’s being cautious, and Yuta is patient enough for it.

“I want to sleep early tonight.” Sicheng answers.

“Mhm, am I your personal lullaby now?” He jokes and the younger chuckles.

“Maybe.”

“What are you thinking right now?”

Sicheng smiles although Yuta won’t see it, “Nothing bad. Just you, and the sound of the kid’s laughs outside. Will you sing for me again?” Sicheng asks.

“I can’t, but I can hum.”

“That’s good enough.”

With that, Yuta starts humming an unfamiliar song to Sicheng. It’s something Yuta’s mother always sang for him to sleep when he was younger that he still remembers. Sicheng is lying on his bed on the other line, just listening to the boy who’s humming him to sleep. He doesn’t want to sleep though. Yuta’s company makes him feel weird things he had never felt before, although he hasn’t really admitted that to himself just yet. It makes him feel warm and happy and bubbly and all those little things, like butterflies in his tummies. Just now Sicheng wonders why they only talk to each other now? They could’ve started sooner, they could’ve met each other after the first time Yuta has seen his performance but they didn’t. And Sicheng regrets it a little bit.

The younger one rolls on his bed, telephone still on his ears. “I already told you the other day, but I hate people.” Sicheng starts so Yuta stopped humming for a bit, testing if the latter would say something more and he did, “I hate it when they call me stuff, but not the bad ones—I would rather have them call me bad things on my back. I hate it when they call me pretty-”

“Do you hate it when I call you pretty?” Yuta interrupts. (He shouldn’t have but he called Sicheng pretty on his mind so many times, it worries him that Sicheng might not like it.)

Sicheng doesn’t answer the question, though, “They called me pretty because I let them, Yuta. Because they liked me, my… body when I dance, my voice when I gasp their names- they like me in that way and they call me pretty because they’re just coming down from their highs.”

Yuta felt guilty for asking the question. He had never seen Yuta that way, or from as far as he can tell. But those people were bad. Like the old man that tried to touch Sicheng in the alley, those were the kind of people Sicheng hates… and he hated himself for being so pretty because of those filthy human beings that tried to get him all the time – it hurts Yuta. He doesn’t know why but it hurts him to know that.

“Have you told anyone about this?” Yuta asks, “If not, I will keep this to my grave.”

“I haven’t. I’m scared-” Sicheng admits, “-what if they all would hate me? I haven’t even told Ten or Jungwoo about this… It’s just so- personal, and I- I can’t drag them to me just because I have stranger issues-”

“Hey, hush now.” Yuta wants to run to him and tackle him in his arms, hold him until he falls asleep but he promised himself after he gave Sicheng his number, that he would take everything slow. He doesn’t want to rush things now just because of some secret Sicheng shared. He isn’t that… shallow. “I don’t actually know what to say. I haven’t been in your shoes, but I know how horrible it is. I will try my best to protect you from those kinds of people now… if you would let me.” He says.

Sicheng exhales. The lump of threatening sobs from his throat is now gone, suddenly, just from those words that Yuta said. Yuta is a stranger, but at the same time he isn’t. Something inside the elder, in his scent, in his smile, in his laugh, makes Sicheng remember something that isn’t even familiar to him. They’re testing the water if it’s hot or it’s cold, if there’s fire that would start any minute but there was none. Yuta can be his comfort person and Sicheng loves that idea so much. There will be no harm to each other but the problem is Sicheng is still scared of it. He’s scared of something that isn’t even coming any minute now.

But tonight, Sicheng wanted to tell everything to Yuta. The secrets, the memories, the smallest details of his life. He wants to know Yuta more, and he knows that it is also the same feeling that Yuta feels for him. There is no name for it yet but Yuta… he feels both like freedom and comfort.

🌸

Mark was the first one to ask questions. (Yuta already suspected it because Mark was the first one to know about them in the first place), but to Yuta’s surprise, Jungwoo also noticed. He hasn’t really talked to Jungwoo that much as well. They would occasionally glance to each other, smile, or share drinks if he’s on the countertable to order something from Jaehyun. Jungwoo is also a great dancer, better than those other ladies but not greater than Sicheng. He has something unique within himself that no one really knows how to explain. Jungwoo is mysterious—but at the same time, it felt like everyone knew him so well.

“You’re dating Sicheng hyung, right?” Jungwoo’s brows are raised, a playful grin plastered on his face and he doesn’t look away until Yuta answers his silly question.

“No, not yet.”

“Not yet. So you’re planning to?” 

Yuta chuckles, “You’re pretty nosy for a person that barely talks to me, huh?” He said. “I've been here for a year now but you can’t even remember my surname.”

Jungwoo shrugs because the elder was right at that. Only because Jungwoo doesn’t really mind people unless he needs something from them. He likes playing fire, and obviously, Yuta isn’t one of those people that he would love to mess with. “You’re Yuta. That’s what matters. I don’t need to remember your surname. I can barely remember Ten’s, Mr. Nakamura.” Jungwoo jokes.

“It’s Nakamoto, for God’s sake, Jungwoo.” Yuta rolls his eyes.

Jungwoo only laughs. He laughs beautifully, but something doesn’t just sit right for Yuta so he ignores the fact that Jungwoo is really pretty. Of course he is, the ladies in the cabaret are all pretty and unique in their own ways but Sicheng is the type of pretty Yuta just loves to see all the time. He’s just something more, something no one can reach.

“So you’re dating Sicheng hyung.” Jungwoo repeats himself, chest laying on the countertop as he gestures to one of the bartenders another drink with a wink. (Yuta now remembers why he had an impact. Jungwoo loves teasing and seducing people, so thank god that he’s into Sicheng so bad) “I would love to see Sicheng hyung smile from time to time because of you. He doesn’t smile that much because of the crowd here in the cabaret.”

Yuta tilts his head. He kinda knows where this conversation is going but he still asks, “What do you mean by that?”

“Oh, you haven’t noticed?” Jungwoo asks, sitting straight, eyes full of worry for the Hyung he’s talking about. Yuta should know. He looks like that all the time for the performer. “Old men, especially those near the gamble corner, talk about how pretty Sicheng hyung’s face is. Maybe they want to fuck him and hyung doesn’t really like it.”

The elder looks at the corner where old men are gathered like a bunch of ants finding something to eat. They’re loud for their bets but not too loud for the band to stop. They look like they’re not enjoying the other ladies’ show and Yuta's blood boils on that. He saw a familiar face as well. That one in the alley.

“You’re telling me this now because-?” He grits his teeth and tightens his jaw, to suppress himself from doing something he might forget. He can’t cause a scene in the speakeasy, Johnny will be so mad about that.

“Because if you’re dating Sicheng hyung, you must protect him.” The younger one smiles sweetly, as if he didn’t just drop a bomb to boil Yuta’s blood.

For days, Jungwoo’s words linger on Yuta’s mind like a gentle daily reminder on what he should do around Sicheng but he doesn’t want Sicheng to know how his brain panics at that. It’s Saturday again, and of course like any other Saturday, Sicheng gets to perform on stage. Yuta used to think Sicheng looks pretty on stage because he clearly loves dancing, but tonight, it just makes him mad to think about the younger one setting a foot on stage with the old men’s eyes on him. The fact that those old men made the person he adores (like? Love? He hasn’t gone that far yet), uncomfortable that he started doubting himself—it makes him want to snap but he composes himself. He can’t turn all possessive over Sicheng for sharing a secret no one knows. They’re still just friends, trying out the frame of the story if they fit on it or not.

“You look so heavenly,” Yuta whispers in Sicheng's ear and the latter giggles like a teenage girl.

“I always look the prettiest in your eyes in whatever I do, Yuta. It feels like obsessive behavior.” Sicheng says, and although Yuta knows he’s just joking, he still felt guilty for it.

“But you do look pretty. Like a painting that costs the world’s price.” 

Sicheng smiles at the compliment, “Poetic.” He says.

How long can Yuta take to finally ask Sicheng out on a proper date and finally call him his? He doesn’t know, and he isn’t also so sure about it. One thing is for sure though, is that he’s falling so badly for the chinese performer and it isn’t about his shows or anything anymore. The more he hears things about Sicheng, the more his heart beats fast whenever he give the slightest affection. Yuta knows he’s probably falling in love but love is a different kind of commitment, and he doesn’t want to hurt Sicheng in any way if he’s not quite sure about this yet. Sicheng is pretty. And Yuta would give everything for him to be happy.

🌸

Sicheng is a rose.

Yuta totally forgot about it despite getting called on stage as Rose all the time. But tonight was different because this feels so intoxicating. This is the first real touch he had ever done with Sicheng, he doesn't even want to brush his skin on the latter, scared he might want more than that. Sicheng is on the bed, eyes closed and probably focusing on falling asleep. But his hands are the opposite. Yuta is laying beside him, (Yuta is so confused how he got here in the first place because the last time he checked, he’s in the speakeasy, arranging the glasses for tomorrow’s busy day) and their hands are tied to each other, nothing more but also nothing less. It’s just holding hands in bed—this shouldn’t be a big deal for Yuta (because he already fucked many) but it is. It felt like a sin holding and lying beside Sicheng tonight. They didn’t do more than that but it still feels wrong. As if he’s crossing a line he should avoid and it worries him so much in his mind.

Sicheng is a rose, Yuta reminds himself.

“You’re so tense,” Sicheng chuckles, rolling to his side to wrap his arms around Yuta’s waist and he felt his breath stop for a second at that. “Loosen up, you don’t have to do more, you just have to lay beside me, right?”

“Y-yeah.”

“Yuta.”

But Yuta isn’t listening. 

“Yuta.” Sicheng called for Yuta-doesn’t-know times.

“Yeah?”

“If you’re uncomfortable, you can go home. You look like you won’t get any sleep tonight.” Sicheng said and he’s right. Maybe not just tonight but also for the next night, and the night next to it and to another night next to it. 

“I’m just scared that I would do something you’d hate.” Yuta admits.

Sicheng chuckles and sighs, finally sitting up to see Yuta and the elder softens a little bit on that. Sicheng – just staring at him – oh, how pretty. “What are you thinking?” Sicheng asks.

“You’re pretty. And you remind me of a rose,” Yuta said and Sicheng laughed.

“I am rose.” 

“Yes, and that’s what makes it so amazing as well.” Yuta smiles, feeling a little lighter than earlier and Sicheng feels it so he goes to lay down again, his head on Yuta’s chest, feeling the way it heaves up and down. “You’re pretty like a rose, but your thorns might hurt me if I hold you too tightly.” He said.

For a moment, Sicheng thinks about it. It’s sweet, but his mind says otherwise. What does Yuta mean with thorns? Did he do something wrong? Did he hurt Yuta or said something? Sicheng started a train of thoughts in his mind only to get the same tensed arms wrapped around him. “You think I have thorns?” Sicheng asks, and Yuta nods.

“It’s pretty, though, and besides, no one is perfect.” Yuta says.

But Sicheng wants to be perfect – well at least for Yuta.

When Yuta fell asleep, Sicheng trails his fingers on every corner of the older’s soft face. Somehow, he ended up thinking about the thorns Yuta said earlier. He doesn’t actually know what it means but it felt like a bad thing although the elder already told him it’s fine. Maybe that’s what falling means – you take them in your arms, understand and adore them no matter what and also wanting to be perfect for them all the time. Actually, Sicheng doesn’t care about these stuff before but right now, as he stared at the sleeping Yuta next to him, it just felt… bad to not be the best person out there. It hurts, and it feels wrong.

🌸

The next few days, everyone already noticed the way Yuta and Sicheng glance at each other. The smiles exchanged whenever they pass by, and how their faces lit up. Of course, Mark already knows about this – and Jungwoo who basically pushed them closer even more. Jaehyun, though, noticed how Yuta doesn’t take his eyes off Sicheng everywhere (like how he noticed the nights that the elder followed Sicheng home), but he didn’t question anything. He doesn’t like prying into other people’s businesses and it just looked like Yuta isn’t sure of what’s happening just yet. He still hesitates about his next moves although he still sleep at Sicheng’s house every two days or so. (The younger one loves the company and they don’t do any more than laugh and tell stories and adore each other for minutes until the awkwardness fill the air and one has to smoke outside for a second before coming back with a smile), and Jaehyun sees it all. While Johnny was just informed by his pretty lover, Ten and felt so betrayed that Yuta is keeping something big like that to him. Yuta felt welcomed and validated by the way the loverboy reacted to them, saying it was so good to know Yuta knows what he wants for himself.

Maybe the only problem around them is how much they both would do for each other. Obviously, Yuta would’ve thrown everything away for his shy lover but Sicheng is still scared of moving forward despite having Yuta reassure him of his worries all the time. Sometimes, they’d just sit on the balcony, smoking and laughing and watching the sea, hearing its waves, and it already felt complete. Those were the times that Yuta would steal a little kiss on the back of the younger’s hands, telling him how pretty he is even though he had only just woken up. Sicheng doesn’t believe him. He still feels bad about the word but there’s just something more when Yuta is the one that says it. Sometimes, they lay on the bed with eyes closed and body closer than they had ever been. But nothing else is happening. Just them, under the ceiling that they wish were the stars.

Universe just plays in different ways—this time, Yuta and Sicheng are given the chance to let their hearts fall in love without worries in their mind that their bodies can just collide. Maybe in another lifetime, the same Yuta and Sicheng won’t even meet, or some other universe just made them enemies or something even worse. This time, they were lovers but they’re just scared that their love isn’t enough yet to fulfill each other’s hearts.

Sicheng’s hands are inside his pocket, knees on his chest to keep him warm and he’s looking at the horizon just in front of them. They’re not in their teenage years now to go and sit on the roof like little couples, but here they are. Yuta on the other side is playing with some leaf that fell from the tree near them and he’s telling a joke that made Sicheng laugh.

Yuta sighs, “If we had met each other sooner, it wouldn’t feel like this, would it?” He asks.

“What do you mean?” Sicheng asks, too.

“I mean… I would, without a doubt, love your 15 years old self if I ever met him earlier but- that time I was focused on just getting away with life that I wouldn’t even be into you.” Yuta smiles, but he doesn’t look at the younger one. “If I didn't travel the whole country for 3 years, and if I just stayed here, would I still love you?” He asks.

Sicheng fell in silence. “Do you think if you’d known me sooner, you won’t love me the way you do now?” He said with a bitter smile on his face. Of course—what did he expect from a stranger he only met a year ago?

“No.” Yuta admits and Sicheng loses his words. “But if I really did meet you sooner, and you would be my friend… I know I’d still love you anyways.” He says with a chuckle, as if he just didn’t hurt Sicheng’s feelings just a second ago. “You are unique and something’s just telling me that even if it wouldn’t feel anything like this, it could be more.”

“What do you mean?”

“If I met you 3 years or earlier, I would still fall in love. But not the way I do now. I have so much going on in my life before that love didn’t matter. And if I met you earlier, everything would be different. I can’t explain it, I don’t know how to put it in words-” Yuta says, finally giving up on being the poetic boy he’s trying to be. “It’s like falling in love with someone deep but this time, after years of being together, I’d know how to swim on it and it wouldn’t kill or hurt me the way it does right now. You kill me, Sicheng.”

Sicheng doesn’t even understand anything that Yuta says but it just feels like it’s already so pretty to be true. The words, Sicheng means, were pretty. He had never really gotten that kind of compliment ever since because he was always so busy with work and people who complimented him only went for his body. Sicheng hated his body. But with Yuta, everything he hates suddenly has a reason to be there and it is just so unreal. He wants to give a try and love Yuta deep and passionately but at the same time, he’s scared of fucking everything up like he always do. Maybe being lowkey like this is better for now. He still has to test the water despite the times that he tried it, anyways.

Love has always been so complicated. Adoring someone will always be the easiest way out of this mess. He doesn’t need to do anything else but to feel their presence, appreciate them, give them time but love— love goes on different ways and curves that Sicheng will always find hard and will never understand.

“Hyung,” Sicheng calls, but he doesn’t look at the latter. He still stares at the sea, following where the waves ends and how it pulls the sand in the shore. Yuta turns around, “I adore you too much.” He says.

“I adore you, too.” Yuta smiles.

Maybe right now, adoring each other is the good idea to go around on what is happening between them.

🌸

Soon, what’s happening between them becomes the topic Jaehyun, Taeil, Mark and Johnny talks about. Yuta doesn’t mind, though, but it still bothers him that sometimes, Johnny knows what to say exactly about what’s happening. Like the other night when he whines about how busy Sicheng is getting from the cabaret practices, Johnny laughs at him and asks, “Do you guys date?” He said.

Yuta falls in silence. “Thought so,” Johnny said, cleaning the countertop and laughing with Jaehyun.

He doesn’t usually care about those things. He fucks around, goes to bars back when he was still on his trip but this was different. It felt like an insult that Johnny said those words without really caring about his feelings although Yuta admits that Johnny is right about that part but it’s just… it feels wrong. When Jungwoo turned around to go backstage, he bumped into Sicheng and gave him a sweet peck on his cheeks and Yuta’s blood boiled a little. He wants to call Sicheng his but he also has to give Sicheng his own time for that.

“Hi, Hyung.” Sicheng says, smiling sweetly.

“Hmm,” Yuta answers, and Sicheng’s arms wrapped around his waist, burying his pretty face on Yuta’s back. Jaehyun and Johnny’s brows raised at that and Yuta feels his face heats. “What do you want?” He asks, turning around to face Sicheng as the younger one just hugs him again.

Sicheng shakes his head, “You still adore me, right?” He asks.

“Yes, of course, why?” He asks.

Last night, Yuta didn’t sleep with Sicheng. Maybe that’s why Sicheng is getting clingy today but of course this will be another topic for the boys to talk about and as much as he can, Yuta wants to avoid being the center of attention. “Mr. Park stopped by last night,” Sicheng mumbles in Yuta’s chest. 

“What?”

“You still adore me, right?” Sicheng repeats. “Even if other men call me pretty?” He asks and Yuta already knows what happened. His blood boils, and he wants to find Mr. Park and start a fight he will never forget all his life. He can’t move, his muscles tightens and Sicheng feels bad for asking because he knows Yuta’s mad.

Yuta sighs, calming himself down. Johnny notices it, “What happened?” He asks.

“Nothing.” Yuta grits his teeth, “Baby, I- Sicheng, let’s talk somewhere else.”

Sicheng gave Johnny an apologetic look as he let Yuta drag him out of the cabaret and onto the parking lot. The skies are still clear, it isn’t even past 5 PM. Sicheng regrets saying anything. He should’ve just kept it to himself –  the one that happened last night. “Are you mad?” Sicheng asks.

“Yes!” Yuta shouts and Sicheng flinches. “God! I still like you, no matter what you do, and you are still the prettiest but what the fuck, Sicheng!” His face is red, and he can tell his face is scary because Sicheng is scared. He looked like a kid that got scolded by his parents.

“I’m sorry. I don’t know, I’m scared- I-”

Sicheng starts to cry. He stood there, his nose and ears getting red and Yuta swears he can kill right at this moment. He’s so mad, he’s just so mad but it wasn’t because Sicheng slept with another man but because he wasn’t there to protect Sicheng again. “I’m sorry, too.” Yuta finally softens, holding Sicheng’s hands to pull him close, hugging him. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there. I’m sorry I can’t protect you again.” He whispers.

Sicheng mumbled something but Yuta didn’t understand it because of his sobs. He wipes his tears, “Yuta,” He calls.

“Yes?”

“I think I love you.”

🌸

Yuta stands in front of the lighthouse. The smell of the sea felt different and yet still the same. Something about it is promising that the small town hasn't changed but at the same time, it doesn't. Poorly written vandalisms from teenagers are fading on the walls of the small stores just by the basketball court. There are newly painted fences around the cliff where the lighthouse stands. A small burger house is now standing on the intersection of the theatre. There are small and big changes Yuta doesn’t really care about right now but the only thing that is caught up in his mind is the fact that Sicheng – wearing the sweetest smile he has ever given Yuta – is walking towards him with a cigarette in his hands. He smiles back at the elder, giving him the softest kiss as soon as their hands intertwined with each other. It took them a year to understand their feelings, almost 2 years to finally admit those little butterflies in their tummies, and to be really honest it felt so good. To finally live with Sicheng, (yes, Yuta moved in), and give him the best everyday without a care to others on what is going on as long as they love each other (like what Johnny and Ten advised), nothing else would matter.

“You look pretty with the sunset,” Yuta says between their kisses.

Sicheng only smiles, “Your prettiest.” He says.

“My prettiest.”