Archive of Our Own ^beta

It'd been so long since the dull ache returned to your lungs. Every breath is fire, you so desperately heave and beg for the fresh air to enter your body but no matter how hard you breath it never quite reaches home. A few deep breaths is all it would take, you remind yourself, but in your panic it does nothing to help. Aside from that singularly helpful thought you are in a confused and angry downward spiral that feels relentless.

Why now?

And, most importantly, why couldn't it be you?

Maybe it's selfish, but you've never felt impactful in your life. It's not that you didn't try, it just seems like no one really took you into consideration. And, to be fair, you're not sure you're important enough or deserving of it. Still, it makes each passing day fill with an unshakeable gloom and with every step you take you're one step closer to utter madness.

Now you're desperate to relieve the pain in any way, your hands find their way to your throat and squeeze. When that's not enough you begin scratching at your arms until there is blood caked under your nails and your brain is fuzzy with the sweet release of a pain other than mental anguish. The cuts and lacerations might not be ideal when you're concerned about your appearance but it's much better than the mess that's in your head.

Suddenly, as if your consciousness brings you back to the real world, you find yourself curled up on the floor of the dropship. Your breakdown is on display for all to see, you hadn't realize how quickly it took over your body. With eyes glistening with tears and reddened cheeks you dare to look up at the legends surrounding your fallen form. You also happen to notice the noise, the concerned questions and sounds of dismay suddenly fill your once ringing ears. It's even more overwhelming this time, especially knowing that they must all be judging your ragged appearance.

"Hey..." The voice is soft, unmistakably accented with a tone of worry. You follow that singular voice and find your gaze settled on Bloodhound crouching beside you. Carefully, as if approaching a freightened animal, they reach forward to let their hand rest comfortably on your shoulder. "Perhaps ve can find a place for a more private conversation?" They question, somehow their voice is grounding in the madness and their touch feels safe for you so you don't struggle when they help you to your feet.

"They, uh, dropped this compadre..." Another legend reaches his hand forward to offer you the phone but in your current state you're unintentionally oblivious to his actions. Bloodhound nods in appreciation while glancing at your shrunken form before taking the holo-phone from the daredevils grasp. With a quiet 'thanks' they continue with their task of helping you to the designated legends' quarters. Along the way they examine your broken form, your shoulders are sagged enough that some of the hair on the side of your head sweeps forward to cover your swollen eyes. You seem to be reeling back into yourself, as if you think that the less space you take up the easier it would be to simply dissapear. Their eyes dip down lower to examine the uneven scratches littering your arms, their lips form a thin line as their mind fills with worry.

With renewed vigor they are guiding you towards your room, each step reverberates across the stark white hallway. It almost distracts them from your uneven breaths, almost being the key word. In their mind they are formulating to help regulate your breathing and calm you down enough to talk without explicitly saying it. They shake their head and sigh anxiously as you stand in front of the monotone colored door together. Unfortunately for them you make no move to unlock it.

"May I...?" They trail off, unsure if you would be okay with them rummaging through your pockets. You barely nod, your eyes are still downcast and your body continues its anxiety induced shaking. With trained precision their gloved hand slips into your jean pocket and, as if guided by fate, they manage to find the key card immediately. As efficiently as they can they withdraw their hand from you and scan the card, the door whirrs open and they gently nudge you through the threshold.

"Come, felagi, sit and rest vhile I prepare tea." With another solemn nod they help you to the loveseat. With one last quick glance over their shoulder they make their way to your small kitchen area. The two of you have grown closer over the course of your career as a legend, so more often than not you are together sharing tea and stories with one another. But in this moment it doesn't feel the same, at least not to them.There's something alarming about your demeanor that they haven't encountered yet but, as sure as the sun brings daylight, they will do everything in their power to console you.

"Hound?" You all but whimper, their head whips to the side so fast that they nearly hurt their neck. You've never seen them on edge or frantic like this before so you're stunned into a tense silence.

"Felagi?" They gather up the honey and sugar to set on the table in front of you. Their eyes are on you again before they move to get the tea itself, but once they are seated they make no move to touch anything on the table.

"Felagi?" They repeat, an unknown emotion laced in their voice as they stare plainly at you. You, on the other hand, are still shaking as you tilt your head in their direction.

"I, uh..m-my..." You trail off and shakily sigh, "My aunt w-was sick, I n-never told you. I didn't w-want you to worry..." They frown sorrowfully, thinking back to their own uncle for only a moment. They can't jump to conclusions, not yet, although all the signs are pointing to the obvious.

"S-she was getting b-better. I thought I had m-more time! For the f-first time in a l-long time I had hope. B-but...but she didn't make it. Her mind was s-strong but her b-body was weak..." A fresh onslaught of tears cascade angrily down your cheeks, you cry harder than you were earlier. Seeing it, reading it and hearing it is nothing compared to admitting the truth. It becomes all too real the moment the words leave the confinement of your mind and slip through your mouth.

"Vinur, I cannot express the sorrow in my heart for such a loss." You nod subconsciously, their words pass from ear to ear without sticking to your already overwhelmed brain. Of course it does not go unnoticed as they fix your tea just the way you like it. They offer you the cup, which you take gratefully and sip on as the silence envelopes the air between the two of you. Comforting people is not something Hound would consider their strong suit, they've delt with pent up emotions by themself for basically their whole adult life. But you are far too important to them, so they won't give up without trying.

"As a child, I vas lost. My mother and fathers' fate had been sealed by the accident and I vas left alone. But my uncle Artur did not let me struggle long, he took me in and raised me as one of his own. The tribe...it vas our family. He gave me the opportunity to have that second chance vith another family." You're stunned into silence, Bloodhound very rarely gives insight to their life prior to the Apex games. Even to you, their closest friend, they remained one of the greatest mysteries in the outlands. But the confession and truth in their words continue to pour from their mouth, both surprising you and temporarily helping you forget your own woes.

"I made a grave mistake, one I vish I could take back but I draw strength from the lessons it taught me. My uncle set me out to become a warrior, a person of importance in our family. I do not regret every choice, but I do regret not being thorough vith my task. My uncle gave his life for me, he knew it vould save my own so he did it vithout question. He vas a proud man, and I could see it the moment our eyes met before his demise. I could see and feel how much he cared for me. How much he believed in me..." Their voice wavers for only a moment and you find yourself scooting closer to their side until your thighs are touching.

"It is so hard not to be consumed by the surrounding darkness that my emotions try to cloud my mind vith. Every day seems to be a new challenge in some vay, but by being here," they gesture around the room, "And fighting for the Allfather I am honoring his memory. That is the greatest gift I could imagine giving someone who has passed onto their next life." They wrap their arm over your shoulder and you find yourself leaning into the warmth of their body.

"She didn't deserve this fate. I feel like if anyone deserved it-" Your voice is hoarse and you fight the tears back once again. You've just got yourself under control so you are trying to avoid yet another panic attack.

"You cannot go to that place. Do you believe I should have died in place of my uncle?" You shake your head furiously from side to side, they let out a quiet chuckle and a relieved smile is plastered on their face. "I believe it is destiny, that ve vere meant to be here until ve simply...aren't. That doesn't stop our lives from having meaning and an impact on others'. It just means that one day, it vill be our time to be freed from our mortal coils. It is not our choice vhen or vhere that should be."

"I know but..." You find yourself shaking as they fully wrap their arms around you and gently pull you into their lap.

"It's fresh. Take your time to heal and vhile you do so I vill be right here. Right by your side," They caress your side to make a point and you snuggle into them, "as long as you need me."

"Thank you..." You manage to murmur, the tiredness seeps into your voice as you adjust yourself against them. They begin to hum quietly, it's a song their mother used to sing to them, and they start rubbing circles on your back. It's not long until your asleep, but they make no move to set you down.

In that moment they realize that they need you just as much as you need them. After all, they have been alone for so long but now they can finally freely open up to you.

"I love you." They whisper, knowing you can't hear them gives them the confidence to finally admit it. You stir ever so slightly, but they can still feel your soft and even breaths against their chest.

One day, they think to themself. Because right now, right here, is enough for them.