Work Text:
one...
The sun has risen again illuminating the dim room with its first rays as I sit by the bed on the cold tiled floor, my legs and arms have gone numb as I lay my head on my knees gently rocking myself, staring, unblinkingly at the clock counting down the seconds till the ache in my heart gets more bearable, until I learn to control my emotions and train to unshed my tears that are bound to fall anytime soon...I will not cry, I will cry no longer.
two...
The music is blaringly loud, it feels like every cell in my body are vibrating with every beat, the room is heating up and the lights, the lights are warm and fuzzy, I feel lightheaded as I weaved my way through the crowds of bodies to search for you, I need you, need you so much more right now, I need your hand to hold me steady and catch me when I fall, I am faltering, I’m sorry.
three...
You stood by the door as you always do, the sun is setting, yellow-orange colors scattered on the horizons creating the most beautiful scenery for you, earphones plugged into your ears, eyes downcast staring at the bleached floor as if you’re trying to unravel secret codes only you can see on those patterns, your well-worn bag haphazardly slung on your left shoulder, one hand on your pocket, head-bopping slightly to the beat as the wind tousled your black, wavy locks that rival the fairness of the greek gods, oh, and it seems you have outgrown your uniforms again. you look so bewitching my heart did a little thing.
four...
Do you have any idea of the grip that you have on me? How is it that you cannot hear the beating of my heart when it's so thunderous that it's stifling and leaves me breathless? You throw beautiful words at me and expect me to be fine, I am not strong. Should I take one more step towards you and gamble with fate? Will it be too much of a risk?
five...
My friends have told me so, told me that it is futile “don’t, you will only hurt, it’s not worth it” but how will they understand how you have charmed me, cupids seem to have aimed their arrows at the wrong target or fate’s just being sadistic, with you I fall faster than a quicksand, but now seeing you look at her with such a loving gaze, honey-thick it’s sickening sweet my lightheadedness giving away to sudden clarity, it hurts but I cannot tear my eyes away as you softly brush away the loose hair from her face, while your hands linger on, tracing it as if you’re holding something as delicate as a dewdrop. I watched you kiss her tenderly, it's sweet yet I can only feel bitterness pooling in my stomach, people around seem to cheer and applaud yet I hear nothing, just the deafening sound of my heart breaking into unmendable pieces.
six...
Do you remember the night you graduated, how we sneaked out at three in the morning to stargaze, it was magical, albeit too magical to last, we had fogged up your beat-up car window, your eyes lit up with fire leaving me a puddle in your gaze, your eyes, mouth and touch fervent and hungry yet you held me so delicately while making me feel like a thousand fireworks had exploded inside me and on every inch of skin you grazed, you held me so delicate only to leave me crumbling like a sandcastle the very next day.
seven...
You said you were happy, that you were in love with her, that she was the one, then why do you look at me with such sad, longing eyes? When you look at me like that, I am just a second away from falling into the endless abyss all over again, that’s not healthy, right? Definitely not. The lingering touch when you greet me just as a friend, friends don’t do that. You make me feel so weak, I feel like a sandcastle that I built when we were kids by the beach, at the mercy of the relentless waves, you.
eight...
I see nothing, I hear nothing, I walk and crash into bodies till I reach the curb, my emotions crashing like a floodgate as I run, run away from the place, I hear my friends calling my name but I cannot face them, not right now, I just need to get away. my visions clouded up, I struggled to open my door and sat by the door trying to stop my tears, sniffles echoing through the hallway, breathing in and out, in and out...then you knelt in front of me with a look akin to pity, I hated that, why do you always do this, knowing my feelings, leading me on, taking my heart and throw it against the wall, deserting it then with a call from your lips it all comes right back to you, always...it's unfair.
nine...
Saw you walking towards me and I pretended to not notice you, it was hard as the only thing I ever wanted was your attention. I saw your smile falter and I felt a pang of hurt in my heart, but I cannot give in, not anymore. you blew up my phone with messages and calls, and each time, I was close to swiping it up then a tiny voice in my head tells me “no, not anymore”, then you had to go and do what you always did when we were in high school, you waited for me outside my classroom and the butterflies were back in an instant, you must be having fun. You told me that you and I aren’t meant to me while you caressed me and looked at me as if I was the only thing that existed, how was I supposed to believe that?
ten...
Mark, you were a coward, but I loved you, god, I did. That silly smile of yours, the way your eyes shine like it holds the entire universe, and more, how the silliest thing about you had me swaying with my resolutions. You spoiled me for others, you gave me a taste of what I will not be able to ever have, you took me so high up in the clouds and left me there, then I came crashing down hard, you showed me no mercy.
eleven...
It's been months since the drama unfolded on the trip due to our immaturity. He treats me so well, he told me he likes me and he looks at me like I hung the stars in the sky for him. He gave me what you couldn't give me. You stole me off amidst the chaos and showed me how being with you would feel like. That summer was hot, blistering hot, what a cruel summer! I don't think he has forgotten that yet. The summer that cannot be spoken out loud.
twelve...
The night you showed up drunk at 2 am, begging me to give you a chance, a chance for us! But Mark, there never was an us, with us, it's always one step forward two steps backward. You told me to stay there and not move an inch that you would be the one taking the steps towards me this time but you were the one who left, you left me there, clouded with uncertainty, to leave or to wait!
thirteen...
I met him again, on the first snow three months after you said you were moving on and he swept me off my feet, literally! He makes me feel good, he makes me happy, and I want to make him happy too. I deserve happiness too...
fourteen...
Mark, this is my closure, I have loved you and you will always have a special place in my heart but I'm sorry I can't give you more. You should learn to love yourself and her again, don't make the same mistake again...I have healed and I wish the same for you too. If we ever meet again, let's not be the ghost of our pasts.
some times, things are just not meant to be, we can fight it all we want but in the end, we're only playing with fire, just a few moments away from bursting into flames, and what is then of us is nothing but ashes, till we meet…that is if we ever meet again!