Archive of Our Own ^beta

I brought you here.

I nurtured you after the accident, just like you did for me when I lost my voice. I brought you back to our apartment, and even made up a room for you because I knew that you wouldn’t feel comfortable sharing a bed with someone you didn’t know. I kept the fact that we were engaged to myself because I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable…I just wanted to be close to you again.

I loved being able to see you walk again, and I loved hearing you laugh because of me. I loved to hear my name on your lips again. I thought that we were fine. I really thought we were.

Things were clicking back into place, and I thought that I was doing everything right.

Sure, you got frustrated sometimes because you couldn’t understand me, but I simply brushed it off as “he doesn’t remember”, and that was perfectly okay, because I managed to get my point across somehow, every time.

Just three miles from the rest stop

And [he] slams on the brakes

[He] said I tried to be but I'm not

And could you please collect your things

I don't wanna be cold

I don't wanna be cruel

But I gotta find more

Than what's happening with you

If you'd - open up the door

Ah, but then you brought them home…the people who violated me. The ones you protected me from. Because you didn’t remember. And that was okay, but then you laughed with them. You laughed and played along while they belittled me, and Yumi had to be the one to step up and protect me this time. He had to be the one to make all of you leave, even you.

I tried speaking, but you didn’t listen. In fact, you spat about how sickening it was to hear me even attempt to speak to you with broken whispers from someone who took care you in front of people who abandoned you years ago.

But Kaiden, that was the only way for me to try and get to you because you didn’t remember sign language. You didn’t even attempt to learn it after you woke up. But that was okay, because you didn’t understand.

However, things were not okay when you accused me of trying to turn you gay.

Things were not okay when you accused me of slipping things into your food to get you to stay with me.

Those were only some of the things you accused me of. I don’t care to remember the others.

You could have left of your own free will.

You didn’t have to stick around.

I don’t know why you felt that way, because I know for sure that I couldn’t speak up to force you to do anything. I couldn’t even hit you, but you raised a hand to me, and that’s when I decided that enough was enough.

[He] said - while you were sleeping

I was listening to the radio

And wondering what you're dreaming when

It came to mind that I didn't care

So I thought - hell if it's over

I had better end it quick

Or I could lose my nerve

Are you listening - can you hear me

Have you forgotten

I found that I no longer cared about what you were thinking, when before, it was all I could think about. A few months ago, I would have killed to know what was going on in your head while you were lying in that hospital bed. I waited, I prayed, I begged to have some proof that you could feel me there. I slept there in bed with you, I cried onto your shoulder.

But by the way you’re acting now, I know that you didn’t hear it.

You didn’t feel me there.

Just three miles from the rest stop

And my mouth's too dry to rage

The light was shining from the radio

I could barely see [his] face

But [he] knew all the words that I never had said

[He] knew the crumpled-up promise of this

Broken down man - and as I opened up the door

When you woke up, you didn’t recognize me.

That hurt, but I took it with grace because I knew that it wasn’t your fault. I was okay with it. I was okay with bringing you home to our apartment, because at least you would still be there. Beside me, with me, in the same space.

Even when I cried myself to sleep every night, craving your touch, I was okay with it because you were there. You were in my vicinity, breathing, walking, speaking. I waited for so long to hear your voice again, even if the tone wasn’t the same.

Even if you weren’t the same.

[He] said - while you were sleeping

I was listening to the radio

And wondering what you're dreaming when

It came to mind that I didn't care

So I thought - hell if it's over

I had better end it quick

Or I could lose my nerve

Are you listening - can you hear me

Have you forgotten

The music swelled in my mind and I screamed; I screamed so loud, but no sound came. I just gasped and cried, pathetic in every sense of the word. I stretched my hand out, but I brushed nothing but air. Empty, cold, still air.

I want your life, I want you, but you don’t want me anymore because you don’t remember me. You don’t remember me, and it hurts; it hurts so much. I can’t do anything but try and give you words on a piece of paper that you shredded right in front of me. The only words I had.

That was the moment where I knew that I had to let you go.

[He] said - while you were sleeping

I was listening to the radio

And wondering what you're dreaming when

It came to mind that I didn't care

So I thought - hell if it's over

I had better end it quick

Or I could lose my nerve

Are you listening - can you hear me

There are many things I could have done differently.

I could have let you go back to your mom’s.

I could have moved back into my own mother’s, or I could have kept the apartment to myself, even though the cold and the loneliness would have gotten to me after a while.

But, truthfully, I think being alone in this apartment would be better than having you here now.

While you were sleeping

I was listening to the radio

And wondering what you're dreaming when

It came to mind that I didn't care

So I thought - hell if it's over

I had better end it quick

Or I could lose all my nerve

Are you listening - can you hear me

I’m so sorry baby, but I can’t do this anymore.

I love you.

I love you so much.

Because I can’t talk, I feel like my words have no meaning to you. They’re just vacant echoes of promises I couldn’t keep and what used to be.

You don’t remember me. You don’t remember what we had. You don’t remember how I used to be able to mouth words to you, and you used to just understand. You don’t know how to do that anymore.

I love you so much.

But I can’t do this anymore, Kaiden.

I can’t.

I just can’t.

I can’t cry myself to sleep anymore.

I can’t curl up in our…my empty bed, sobbing for some sort of release from this hell that you’ve unknowingly created for me.

You don’t know because you don’t remember.

I don’t hate you for that.

I could never hate you, but I have to let you go because I can’t keep doing this to myself.

I can’t keep doing this to you.

I can’t keep doing this to myself.

I can’t.

I just can’t.

You can’t hear me anymore.