Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

[Unknown, 2:13 AM, Wednesday]

then is peanut butter a raw meat?

I would have to say no, but then again, I don’t know the context of the question

what

oh hell

sorry er wrong number

Worse things have happened at 2:13 in the morning in the middle of the week

that’s-

that’s concerning

Yes it is

But what’s your stance?

what

On the question

what question

Peanut butter, you daft walnut

The peanut butter question

What’s your stance

ohhhh

sorry no thoughts head empty

I can tell

and nah i don’t think peanut butter is a raw meat either

Understandable

but for context

im in a heated argument in my gc about what food belongs where

like what categories

Oh???

What other foods are in your debate?

uhhh honey

spaghetti, lasagna, and pizza relationships

AKSDGAKJSHD PARDON??

plz that’s not even the beginning of it

add me to the gc please im cackling

aight

[do crime but smart, 2:16 AM, Wednesday]

(lightning mcqueen added unknown to the group)

Lighting mcqueen: welcome to hell mate

     give yourself a nickname

(unknown changed their name to dragon)

Bookworm: Who’s this?

Lightning mcqueen: no clue

     i accidentally messaged them instead of you guys about peanut butter being a raw meat

Roonil Wazlib: IT IS!!

Lightning mcqueen: IS NOT

Dragon: I have to agree with lightning mcqueen, it’s not a raw meat

Roonil Wazlib: this is bullying

Lightning mcqueen: hey I still agree with you about the pizza thing!

Roonil Wazlib: which pizza thing

Lightning mcqueen: about it being equal to spaghetti

Roonil Wazlib: oh yeah

Dragon: Excuse me what

     Spaghetti is NOT equal to pizza

     Under any circumstances

Bookworm: Thank you!

Dragon: Hold up bookworm

     Just because they’re not equal doesn’t mean they’re not equivalent

Bookworm: omg finally a smart person arrives in this group chat!

     run away with me? /j

Roonil Wazlib: oi!

Bookworm: Sorry darling, I’m leaving you for this mysterious dragon person

Dragon: ??? I could literally be a 50-year old man with foot fungus 

Roonil Wazlib: YEAH HE COULD BE A 50 YEAR-OLD MAN WITH FOOT FUNGUS

Bookworm: He is not a 50-year old man with foot fungus

     Right?

Dragon: Yes lol

     I’m a 23-year old man

     And I have beautiful feet if I do say so myself

Bookworm: Perfect! Let's elope ;)

Roonil Wazlib: IM LITERALLY YOUR FIANCÉE

Bookworm: darn I forgot about that

     I guess I’ll have to have my secret affair with dragon another time :(

Dragon: wouldn’t want to intrude quite yet

Roonil Wazlib: harry make them stop :(

Lightning mcqueen: uh

     how about instead of eloping w ‘mione you elope with me

     happy?

Dragon: depends

     are you a 50-year old man with foot fungus

Roonil Wazlib: im going the fuck to sleep

Bookworm: I love this

Lightning mcqueen: no im 22 

     and I think I have pretty normal feet?

     I don’t look at other peoples feet so I wouldn’t know

Dragon: you’re missing out mate /j

Bookworm: That’s my cue to leave now as well… *concern*

Lighting mcqueen: every time ‘mione does that I get whiplash

Dragon: that’s valid

     alright well I have an 8 am shift so im gonna dip now

Lightning mcqueen: I hate responsible people

Dragon: <3

[do crime but smart, 7:13 PM, Thursday]

Bookworm: @Roonil Wazlib  RONALD IF YOU DON’T START WINDING UP THE VACUUM CORD I’LL STRANGLE YOU WITH IT

Lightning mcqueen: oh boy

Roonil Wazlib: I Did!!

Bookworm: looping it around your arm a few times and hanging it on the hook is NOT the same as winding it up

     it takes like ten extra seconds!

Dragon: what’s happening?

Lightning mcqueen: Ron and Hermione live together cuz they’re engaged and little mindless arguments crop up from time to time

     I think its funny

Dragon: very

     so you’re harry, right? And roonil is Ron and bookworm is Hermione?

lightning mcqueen: yea

     we just do this nickname thing cuz it's funny

Dragon: nice nice

Lighting mcqueen: don’t feel obligated to share ur name lol, stranger danger online and all that jazz

     we just don’t care 🤠

Dragon: er thanks

     I uh

     gtg

     brb

[hiss bitches, 7:15 PM, Thursday]

Dragon: UH

     RED ALERT

     I HAVE A MAJOR PROBLEM

Pots n pans: if you drank cologne instead of whiskey again im not apparating you to st. mungos

     blaise can do it this time

Blazer: nuh uh

     I took him when he walked into the doorframe and lost sight in one eye

     its Theo’s turn

Toot toot: I hate you all

Dragon: no I don’t need to go to the hospital again

Blazer:  keyword being ‘again’

Dragon: ANYWAY

     I accidentally got texted by a random number but it was funny so I responded n stuff

     and I got myself added to a hilarious group chat

     but then they all said their names and you’ll never fucking guess who these fuckers are

Toot toot: russian hitmen?

Blazer: drag queen club?

Pots n pans: barack obama?

Dragon: the fact that those were your first guesses is incredibly concerning

     but no

     its fucking

     fucking

     Harry fucking Potter, Ronald fucking Weasley, and Hermione fucking granger

Blazer: you’re joking

Dragon: I, unfortunately, am not

Pots n pans: OF ALL THE PEOPLE

     lord you test me

Toot toot: what r u gonna do?

Dragon: I mean

     we all sorta made amends at the end of school

     and the chat really is hilarious

     im gonna stay for now

Toot toot: do they know who you are?

Dragon: no and its going to stay that way

Blazer: bet ur wishing it was a drag queen club

Dragon: no comment

[do crime but smart, 7:20 PM, Thursday]

Lightning mcqueen:  WAIT I LOOKED IT UP

     AND UR RIGHT???

Bookworm:  ofc im right

     im not often wrong

Roonil Wazlib: bloody Americans, mate

     weird asf

Dragon: what did I miss?

bookworm: I was informing these two about the fact that honey is categorized as a raw meat by the American FDA

     they didn’t believe me

     they should’ve

Dragon: everything you just said was terrifying

     remind me never to doubt your knowledge ever again

     or to doubt the extent of American idiocy

Bookworm: dragon gets it

     keep up boys

Dragon: 😏

[do crime but smart, 8:03 AM, Friday]

Roonil Wazlib: WAKE ME UP

dragon: when September ends

Bookworm: Before you go go

Lightning mcqueen: WAKE ME UP INSIDE

Roonil Wazlib:  harry gets it

Dragon: wait im stealing this for my other gc

Lightning mcqueen: send ss

Dragon: k brb

[hiss bitches, 8:04 AM, Friday]

Dragon: WAKE ME UP

Pots n pans: when September ends

Blazer: WAKE ME UP INSIDE

Toot toot: before u go go

Dragon: *fist bumps blaise*

Blazer: hell yeah

[do crime but smart, 8:06 AM, Friday]

Dragon: [one attachment]

Lightning mcqueen:  THEY USED THE SAME SONGS AS US AHAHAHAHA

Roonil Wazlib: I love that energy

Bookworm:  why do I subject myself to this /j

Lightning mcqueen: aw cmon mione u know u love us

bookworm: unfortunately

Dragon: im beginning to like it here

[do crime but smart, 10:54 AM, Friday]

Lightning mcqueen: if the celery is 90% water, does that make the ocean 10% celery?

Dragon: as an intellectual I can confirm that this is definitely how percentages and fractions work

     and yes, the ocean is 10% celery

Roonil Wazlib: that’s why we can’t drink ocean water

     cuz we’ll choke on the celery

Bookworm: oh merlin don’t encourage him

Lightning mcqueen: :)

     but actually how can celery be 90% water???

     how does it not just like

     wiggle

Roonil Wazlib: that was a weird way to describe that, but go off ig

Bookworm:  uh, the other 10% that’s not water?  That keeps it all together

Dragon: yeah the stringy bits may seem strong but they’re very thin and contain loads of water 

Bookworm: srsly harry thank merlin you added this man to the chat

     I was surrounded by idiots before

     now im not alone

Lightning mcqueen: I will not tolerate this slander

     this is bullying

     homophobia

     HARRYPHOBIA

Roonil Wazlib: RONPHOBIA

Bookworm: concerned Hermione 😐

Dragon: I love it here

Roonil Wazlib:  I hate it here

Lightning mcqueen: I hate it here

Bookworm: :)

Chapter Text

[do crime but smart, 1:44 PM, Saturday]

Bookworm: GUYS GUYS GUYS

     SO I WAS AT THE BOOKSHOPPE

Lightning mcqueen: when r u not

Bookworm: SHUT IT

     ANYWAY

     There was a man who saw me carrying that book by Michele Obama that I’ve wanted for a while now

     So he stopped me and said, “How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?”

     And I just stared at him, of course.

     Somehow he took that as encouragement and said “None because they can’t change shit.” 

     AND HE AND HIS LITTLE ARSEHOLE BUDDIES LOOKED REALLY PROUD OF THEMSELVES AND THEY WERE SNIGGERING SO I

     I

     I SDHFJKHFJA

Roonil Wazlib: deep breaths love

     what did you do

Bookworm: I said “that’s really cute!  Wanna hear my joke?”

     and they exchanged confused glances and so I continued and said:

     “How many misogynists does it take to change a lightbulb? Trick Question.  Misogynists are afraid of any change that’ll bring light to a situation.”

     AND I KID YOU NOT HALF THE BOOKSTORE STARTED “OOOH”-ING

Dragon: HELL YES

     GET IT

Roonil Wazlib: IM SO PROUD OF YOU LOVE

Lightning mcqueen: YOU TELL EM MIONE

Dragon: you’re a fucking qqqqutkk77

Bookworm: …

Roonil Wazlib: what

Lightning mcqueen: uhhhh dragon? U good

     …

     okay then he died

Dragon: MY FUCKING CAT

     sorry I dropped my phone in time to catch my cat, mid-air, before he jumped into the toilet bowl full of FUCKING BLEACH

     I closed the toilet lid and skittles had the audacity to fucking beep at me

     he thinks he’s smart

     hes not

Roonil Wazlib: I DONT KNOW WHATS FUNNIER

     THE FACT THAT YOUR CAT TRIED TO JUMP INTO THE TOILET

     OR THE FACT THAT HIS NAME IS SKITTLES

Dragon: sighs

     anyway what I meant to say

     is that ur a fucking QUEEN @bookworm

Bookworm: thank you

Lightning mcqueen: I CNAT BREATHE

     UFCKING

     SKITTLES PLZ

Roonil Wazlib: he might be a minute

Lightning mcqueen: H

bookworm: okay harry

Dragon: lmaoooooo

Lightning McQueen: f\KDJASFJKD PLZ

     THATS SO FUNNY

     PLZ SEND PICS OF UR CAT

Dragon: [3 attached images]

Lighting McQueen: OMG HES ADORABLE

     IS SKITTLES A RAG DOLL

Dragon: skittles is indeed a rag doll

     a stupid, fluffy, six and a half kilo ragdoll

Lightning McQueen: im stealing him

Dragon: no youre fucking not

     ill strangle you with your own small intestine if you touch him with malicious intent

Roonil Wazlib: oh fuck

     get wrecked harry

Lightning McQueen: pulling my hand back now

Dragon: good choice

     anyway

     what should I do for lunch 

Roonil wazlib: fish n chips

Bookworm: avocado toast

Lightning Mcqueen: human

Dragon: one of these things is not like the others

Roonil Wazlib: yeah who the fuck eats avocado

Bookworm: this is one of the longest conversations we’ve had in this chat for a while now

dragon: im flattered that you’re all so welcoming /s

Roonil wazlib: you act as if we would have any reason to not like u

     ur pretty cool

     if we had met irl I’d definitely be ur friend

Dragon: er sure haha

Lightning mcqueen: no we def would

     we’re indoctrinating you into our trio

Bookworm: harry, he was indoctrinated as soon as you volunteered to elope with him

Lightning mcqueen: I what now

Bookworm: yeah like three days ago remember?

     he wanted to marry me but I said no because I have Ron

     so you volunteered instead

Lightning mcqueen: I have literally no recollection of this??

Dragon: LMFAO

     probably because it was at 2 in the morning

Lightning mcqueen: oh yeah that would do it

     I lose all my brain cells by like 7 pm lmfao

Roonil wazlib: what brain cells

Lightning mcqueen: I’d be offended but you’re not wrong

     anyway

     yes I’d def marry u dragon /p

     …unless… /j

Dragon: don’t be shy take away the /j

Lightning mcqueen: 😏

Roonil wazlib: oi get a room

Dragon: okay ;)

[hiss bitches, 2:03 PM, Saturday]

Dragon: I think im platonically engaged to harry potter

Pots n pans: excuse me

Blazer: you’re fucking what now

Toot toot: we need an exorcist

Pots n pans: we’re gonna need a bit more context love

     else ill start realistically considering Theo’s suggestion

Dragon: [Iddefmarryyou.jpeg]

Blazer: I’ll call the exorcist

Chapter Text

[do crime but smart, Monday, 12:37 PM]

Lightning McQueen:  in a land of myth

     and a time of magic

Roonil Wazlib: the destiny of a great kingdom rests upon the shoulders of a young man

bookworm: his name 

     Merlin…

Dragon: what just happened

Lightning McQueen: omg r u sirius

     you’ve never watched merlin

Dragon: uhhhh

     like on television?

Roonil Wazlib: yes?  Where else?

Dragon: idk just checking

Lightning McQueen: ANYWAY

     if you ever feel comfy enough to meet irl

     we're binging it

Dragon: aw will that be our first date /j

Lightning McQueen: yes

Dragon: where’s the slash j

Lightning McQueen: :)

Dragon: anyway you don’t even know where I live

Lightning McQueen: well you speak English so you’re either American (merlin I hope not) English, or an Aussie

Dragon: ahhh, harry has a brain after all!

Lighting mcqueen: so was I right

Dragon: yes obviously 

     im English

Lightning McQueen: great then we probably live in the same country

Bookworm: harry please

     you watch far too much sherlock

Roonil Wazlib: also ur sounding a bit creepy?

     the man hasn’t even given us his name and you’re deducing where he lives

     calm your tits

Dragon: tbh sherlock is a fantastic show, so I don’t even blame him

     I just think you all might uh not like me

     if you knew my name

Lightning McQueen:  we’d never judge you?  

     you’ve literally seen us at our worst

     can’t get much worse than us

Roonil Wazlib:  yeah plus a name is just a name?  Like unless you’re gonna tell us you’re hitler or something then your probably fine

bookworm: *you’re

Roonil Wazlib: whatever

Dragon: if you guys say so

     anyway I’ve got to go, lunch break is over

     ttyl

[do crime but smart, 8:28 PM, Monday]

Roonil Wazlib: remember when you threw a traffic cone at my head

Lightning McQueen: nope

Roonil Wazlib: it was a week ago and you almost bROKE MY NOSE

Lightning McQueen: doesn’t ring a bell

Dragon: no one would know you’re best friends from looking at this group chat

Lightning McQueen: besties 🤞 4life

Roonil Wazlib: i couldnt escape him if i tried

Lightning McQueen: but you love me 

Roonil Wazlib: unfortunately that’s true

bookworm: i can’t believe im married to one of these idiots

Roonil Wazlib: at least you’re married to the one with some sense of self-preservation

     harry has none of that

Lightning McQueen: you’re not wrong

Dragon: i’ll be the common sense to your stupid bravery harry

Lightning McQueen: awww

     omg are we dating now

     jkjk

     …unless…

Dragon: first of all aren’t we already engaged

     second of all you’re too chaotic for my calm life

Lightning McQueen: nah i just make life more fun

     you’re probably bored without me

Dragon: no my life is interesting

     i just don’t want it to be stupid interesting

bookworm: good choice

Roonil Wazlib: yeah we’ve had to suffer for like ten years

Dragon: good to know

Lightning McQueen: you’re all bullies

Dragon: 😘

[hiss hiss bitches, 10:43 PM, Monday]

Dragon: guys

     I think we have a problem

Blazer: no, you have a problem

     I have an idiot best friend and a life worth of regrets 

Pots n pans: what’s the problem love

Dragon: ugh

     I've been thinking about how I could’ve never noticed that potter and his friends are so much fun

Toot toot: never ever expected to hear those words but continue

Dragon: I realized that I uh

     I had known

     that’s why I stalked potter so much

Pots n pans: what

Dragon: yeah my obsession with potter is uh

     I think it might be

     mildly

     hypothetically 

     romantic????

Blazer: well any of us could’ve told you that mate

Toot toot: yeah its not really a surprise

Dragon: but you- you were surprised a moment ago?

Toot toot: yeah that you like his friends too

     but your crush on him has been obvious since… well, forever

Dragon: wait are you kidding me

Blazer: no lol

     anyone with two eyes can tell ur obsessed w each other

Dragon: wait r u saying he likes me too

Pots n pans: what is this, fifth grade?

     but yes

     yes he is

Dragon: I don’t know what to do with this information

Blazer: sleep

     you have work in the morning

Dragon: ugh fine

Pots n pans: have fun dreaming about him love

Dragon: no comment

Chapter Text

[hiss hiss bitches, Tuesday, 1:34 PM]

dragon: guys i saw harry in diagon alley today

Pots n pans: first of all, when did potter become harry

Toot toot: second of all WHAT HAPPENED

Blazer: did u say hi

     did u talk to him

Pots n pans: or were you typical draco and glared daggers at him until he looked away

dragon: i actually caught him looking at me???

     when i looked at him he just kept staring, and he looked

     not annoyed but like

     super focused on me

     and then i waved my hand up and down to get his attention and he zoned back in and turned really red and fled the store

     it was strange

Pots n pans: OwO

Blazer: never do that again

Toot toot: agreed

     anyway that’s funky, i don’t even know how to interpret that

dragon: exactly

Pots n pans: he still doesn’t know ur dragon in his gc right?

dragon: no, and speak of the devil, just got a notif from them

     brb

[do crime but smart, Tuesday, 1:38 PM]

Lightning mcqueen: you guys will never guess what just happened to me

Roonil Wazlib: no we probably won’t

Bookworm: but you’ll tell us anyway

Lightning mcqueen: i was out shopping and i saw malfoy

Roonil Wazlib: like draco malfoy?

Bookworm: dragon ignore this, you won’t know who he is anyway

     now continue

Roonil Wazlib: i saw the word ‘dragon’ but thought it said draco and got whiplash

Lightning mcqueen: lmao imagine

     ANYWAY

     i hate to say this but

     malfoy is like

     he had a glow up

Bookworm: a glow up?

Roonil Wazlib: you’ve always been attracted to him, this isn’t new

Lightning mcqueen: no i haven’t, and he’s even hotter now

Roonil Wazlib: anyway what did you do?

Lightning mcqueen: i stared at him until i got caught, then i turned red and ran out of the store without buying anything

dragon: 0.0

Roonil Wazlib: lemme fill u in dragon

     harry used to be obsessed with this guy name draco during school, cuz he was always up to something (or so harry said, he was really just infatuated)

Lightning mcqueen: oi

Bookworm: he’s not wrong

dragon: good to know

Lightning mcqueen: yeah anyway

     idk what to do

Bookworm; well there’s really nothing you can do, is there?

     this is the first time you’ve seen him in years

     the encounter isn’t likely to become a regular thing

Roonil Wazlib: i disagree

     i think if harry likes him he should go after him

Bookworm: and what, stalk him?

Roonil Wazlib: no! just go back to that store every day

     he’s bound to show up again

Lightning mcqueen: agh

     what do u think dragon

dragon: uh

     i mean

     i see both sides but

     i think ron is right, if u like him then you should explore that possibility

     tho i might be biased, i’m in a similar situation

Lightning mcqueen: oh? do tell

dragon: no, i didn’t mean to steal your light

Lightning mcqueen: no we’ve solved my problem, i’ll keep going back to the shop

     your turn

dragon: oh uhm okay

      so i’ve liked a guy for like a long time now and i thought he hated me and then i thought he liked me and now i’m not sure?

      and his attraction is probably purely physical, because he seems to not have any interest in me at all other than thinking i’m hot

Lightning mcqueen: oooohh so ur attractive 😏 jk

dragon: hey you said it not me

     anyway

     i don’t know what to do because i’m getting to know him and i think my crush is going past just physical but his definitely isn’t

Roonil Wazlib: well how much do you see each other

dragon: uhhhhh

     rarely

Roonil Wazlib: do u text?

dragon: yeah

Roonil Wazlib: then he probably likes u more than hotness too

Lightning mcqueen: it stills screws me up to see ron giving relationship advice

Bookworm: yeah he used to have the emotional intelligence of a teaspoon

Lightning mcqueen: oh how he’s grown

Roonil Wazlib: please no

dragon: thank u actually, this was very helpful

     and yes harry you should go back to the shop

     idk i have a feeling the universe is working in our favour 

     your favor

     and mine

     separately obviously

Lightning mcqueen: okay

     i will then

Roonil Wazlib: when????

Lightning mcqueen: uhhhh

Bookworm: try again in a few days, he’s not likely to go back two days in a row

Lightning mcqueen: true okay

     i will

[hiss hiss bitches, 2:04 PM, Tuesday]

Dragon: UHHHH GUYS

     UHHHHHHHH

     UHHHHHHHHHHHH

Pots n pans: ten sickles he got his head stuck in the banister

Blazer: ill take that bet

Dragon: [screen recording of previous convo, do crime but smart]

Pots n pans: IM NOT EVEN UPSET THAT I LOST OMG

     OMGGGG

     DRACO

     MY LITTLE DRAKEY WAKEY IS GETTING HIS FIRST BOYFRIEND

Dragon: N O

     WHAT DO I

     IM SCARED

     HOW

     HOW DO I

     EXIST???

Toot Toot: what did I miss?

Blazer: SCROLL UP OMG OMG OMG

Toot Toot: HOLY SHIT MALFOY

     YOURE GETTING YOUR MAN

Pots n pans: it only took like 10 years

Dragon: guys im panicking

    How do I handle this

    What do I do

Blazer: well you go back to the store obviously 

Pots n pans: make sure you wear that one cologne

Toot toot: if potter is close enough to smell his cologne, were gonna have bigger problems 😏😉

Dragon: okay n O

Pots n pans: but really, were happy for you

Blazer: mostly because we dolt have to listen to you complaining for you

Toot toot: but part of our happiness is in your honor

Dragon: im touched 

     gtg, lunch break ended ages ago

     ttyl

Chapter Text

[do crime but smart, Friday, 4:03 PM]

Lighting mcqueen: guys I went back to the store today and he was there!!!!

     In all his blonde and sassy glory

     This time when we locked eyes I didn’t flee from the store

Dragon: ah yes I can see it now

     You in all your glory, running from a store like a pigeon

     It's beautiful

Lightning mcqueen: okay shut up

Roonil Wazlib: All Hail Harry

     Our Pigeon King

Bookworm: he shall be honored

Lightning mcqueen: you guys suck

Dragon: isn’t that your job? With your little blonde lover?

Roonil wazlib: JSHFAKJDHF

Bookworm: omg you really called him out, didn’t you

Lightning mcqueen: … no comment 

Dragon: JSHDGFAJSDGHF

Roonil wazlib: we’re all a mess

[hiss hiss bitches, Friday, 4:10 PM]

Pots n pans: my coworker just said ‘can I get a price check on a baby’

Blazer: six quid

Toot toot: that’s way overpriced

Pots n pans: sorry we’re understaffed rn

Dragon: I only have four quid and a chocolate bar, is that okay

Pots n pans: that’s fine I suppose

Blazer: we’re all terrible

Dragon: yeah

     Imma send ss of this to the other gc lollll

[do crime but smart, Friday, 4:14 PM]

Dragon: [funny convo ss]

Lightning mcqueen: HAH

Roonil wazlib: I only would’ve given them three quid and half the chocolate bar

Lightning mcqueen: honestly even that’s still overpriced

Bookworm: where the hell does ‘pots n pans’ work that they wanted a price check on a baby

Dragon: the government

Bookworm: that’s not the answer I was expecting but it is infinitely more concerning

Roonil wazlib: 😬

[Private message, Friday, 4:16 PM]

Hermione: Ron, I think we have an issue

     Or maybe not, depending on how you look at it

Ron: what’s up love?

     did Pigwidgeon fly into the toilet again?

Hermione: …again?

Ron: never mind

     what’s the problem?

Hermione: its about the screenshot that dragon sent

     The names… they looked familiar

Ron: are you telling me you’ve met someone named ‘pots n pans’?

Hermione: no, but we have met someone named pansy

     As in, Pansy Parkinson

Ron: love that’s impossible

     it’s probably just someone who’s pansexual being funny

Hermione: humor me

Ron: alright love

     Then who’s 'blazer' and 'toot toot'?

Hermione: Blaise Zabini, but I haven’t figured out the other yet

Ron: okay, say it is them.  Then dragon knows two people from Hogwarts. What’s the problem?

Hermione: Zabini and Parkinson were both Slytherins.  Can you think of any Slytherins who would use the nickname ‘dragon’?

Ron: someone who thinks dragons are-

     Wait

     You’re not suggesting that dragon is Malfoy, are you?

Hermione: it would make sense

Ron: …

     You’re right, of course

     You always are

Hermione: it's why you love me

Ron: yeah it is

     So what do we do?

Hermione: I’ve been thinking about what dragon- well, Draco, I suppose- said about his crush and what Harry’s said about his

     I’m a hundred percent sure they like each other

Ron: Are you thinking what I'm thinking

Hermione: I think I am

Ron: this.  this is why i love you.

Hermione: 😈

[hiss hiss bitches, Friday, 4:16 PM]

Blazer: any updates on your schoolboy obsession

Dragon: first of all, bitch,

     Second of all, yes I saw him and we locked eyes and he blushed but didn’t run away this time

     I'm gonna talk to him tomorrow

Toot toot: is he gonna be there?

Dragon: I mean he’d better, I’ll be there

Pots n pans: want us to come with?

Dragon: you like like you want to kill people all the time, Theo is a judgmental asshole, and blaise would steal my thunder

     So no

     Plz don’t

Blazer: I'm flattered, really

     I mean

     Potter is decently attractive I suppose

Dragon: back tf off

Blazer: hahaha ur hilarious

Toot toot: anyways, what are you going to say to him?

      I mean you can’t do what you did in school

Dragon: why not? It drove him mad

Toot toot: yes and almost got you killed multiple times

     Drive him mad in a different way

Dragon: what do you suggest, King Of Romance?

Toot toot: I'm choosing to take that as a compliment

Dragon: 🙄

Toot toot: flirt with him

     You were both always good at banter, now just take out the malicious intent

     Eye fuck him a little bit

     That always drives girls mad

Dragon: harry’s not a girl

Toot toot: potato potahto

Blazer: I agree with Theo

     And can confirm that eye-fucking works on boys too

Pots and pans: I second that

Dragon: is everyone except me getting action

Toot toot: yes

Blazer: yes

Pots n pans: yes

Dragon: I hate you all

Chapter Text

[do crime but smart, Sunday, 10:16 AM]

Lightning mcqueen:  okay I’ve got a plan

Roonil wazlib: lets hear it

Bookworm: I really hope it doesn’t involve spending a year in a tent

Lightning mcqueen: hey!

dragon: what

Bookworm: never mind

     anyway what’s the plan

Lightning mcqueen: im going to start going back to the shoppe every day at the same time and if he picks up on it and is there when I’m there, I’ll make a move

Roonil wazlib: this is a great plan

Bookworm: this is a terrible plan

Lightning mcqueen: …

     remind me how you two ever worked past your differences and got together?

Bookworm: touché

Roonil wazlib: anyway harry its a wonderful plan, don’t listen to ‘mione

Lightning mcqueen: thanks mate

Dragon: so you’re just gonna… reverse stalk him?

Lightning mcqueen: …what.

Dragon: you’re going to hope that he goes where you go… which is called being stalked… so you’re reverse stalking

Bookworm: this makes sense

Lightning mcqueen: whatever you want to call it, I’m doing it.  In fact im at the shoppe right now

Dragon: really?

Lightning mcqueen: yep

Roonil wazlib: hopefully Malfoy shows up then…

Bookworm: yeah it would be a shame if he missed his opportunity…

Roonil wazlib: if I were him id be leaving right now

Bookworm: like right now

Roonil wazlib: id be flying the car right over

Bookworm: uh

Roonil wazlib: I mean driving

Dragon: what’s happening

Lightning mcqueen: I have no clue

     anyway ttyl, gonna get a coffee

[private group message, Monday, 10:22 am]

Unknown number: alright you two know something and I think I know what you know

     so spill

Hermione: depends.  What do you think you know we know?

     because I have a sneaking suspicion that I know what you think you know we know

     but I want you to say it

Ron: …im lost…

Unknown number: I got lost too…

Hermione: ugh just spit it out and we’ll tell you if you’re right

Unknown number: well I cant say it, because if im wrong then you know something I don’t want you to know

Hermione: well we cant say it because if we’re wrong you’re going to have random information that we don’t need you to have

Unknown number: then it appears we’re at a standstill

Hermione: it appears we are

Ron: why don’t you two text it at the same time, then you’re in the same boat either way

Hermione: oooh good idea.  What do you say, dragon?

Unknown number: that I’m probably going to regret this

Ron: on three then?

     one

     two

     three

Unknown number: I’m Draco Malfoy

Hermione: you’re Draco Malfoy

Hermioine: yep thats what we knew

     or what we thought we knew

Ron: ‘mione please with the confusing phrases

Hermione: sorry darling

Draco: anyway what do you want from me in order to keep this info from potter?

Ron: wdym

Draco: what do you mean ‘wdym’ I feel like that was a pretty self-explanatory message

     Hermione: he’s just not used to being bribed

     and anyway, we don’t want anything

Draco: that’s bullshit

     everyone wants something

Hermione: well we don’t

     we just want harry to be happy and if this little chase of his will do that, then we’re on board

     he’s our best friend

Ron: yeah, we’d do anything for him

     including keeping YOUR secret

Draco: huh

     that’s really weird

     but okay

Hermione: it’s not weird, it’s just what we do

     now go meet him at the shoppe

Draco: I’m already in DA

Ron: that’s my boy

Draco: …

Hermione: …

Ron: I’m never saying that again

[do crime but smart, Sunday, 10:53 AM]

Lightning McQueen: GUYS HE CAME OMG

Roonil wazlib: damnnn what crazy timing

Bookworm: so weird

Dragon: you should go flirt with him!

Lightning McQueen: no thats scary

Dragon: so you’re just gonna, what, stare at him?  Buy too many coffees so you have an excuse to be there?

Lightning McQueen: basically

Roonil wazlib: harry you idiot go talk to him

Bookworm: yeah I can almost guarantee that he wants you to initiate conversation

Dragon: agreed

Lightning McQueen: draco hates me.  there’s no way he wants to talk to me.

Dragon: try to catch his eye? maybe that’ll help you figure out if he’s into you or not

Lightning McQueen: he’s on his phone, he’s probably not gonna look up

Dragon: you’re on your phone too

Lightning McQueen: how’d you know?

Dragon: …you’re texting us?

Lightning McQueen: oh yeah

     anyway I guess

Roonil wazlib: if you don’t respond we’re gonna assume you’re talking to him

Lightning mcqueen: GUYS I CAUGHT HIS EYE AND HE WINKED WABFHJGALJHB

Dragon: SEE WE TOLD YOU

     go talk to him idiot

Lightning McQueen: fine fine

     I guess I’ll let you know how it goes then

Dragon: I actually have to go but ill read the messages later

Lightning McQueen: where r u going?

Dragon: work

Lightning McQueen: it’s Sunday?

Dragon: …gardening work

     i garden

     i guess

Lightning McQueen: oh cool me too, send pics of ur plants sometime

     anyway bye guyssss wish me luck

Hermione: good luck!

Roonil wazlib: you’ve got this mate

Dragon: he’s gonna love you

[hiss hiss bitches, Sunday: 10:59 AM]

Dragon: guys I’m at the shop again, harry’s here, he’s gonna come over and talk to me

Toot toot: how do you know?

Dragon: because he said so in the group chat we’re in

     he still doesn’t know its me

Blazer: which is hilarious because you’re a terrible liar

Dragon: yeah I know

     by the way do any of you know how to garden

Pots n pans: what does that have to do with this

Dragon: I lied and said I garden and now I have to produce proof

Blazer: I have a few succulents

Pots n pans: I have a mint plant in my kitchen

Toot toot: I killed a bean sprout

Dragon: why

     why are you like this

Blazer: sorry mate

     anyway good luck

Toot toot: dont say anything mean

Pots n pans: don’t use sarcasm as a defense mechanism

Blazer: if you feel afraid remember that we can’t take all this pining

     we might have to kill u

     so you’d better get it together

Dragon: I have such wonderful supportive friends

Pots n pans: yes you do

     now put away your phone and look available

Dragon: yes mum

Pots n pans: 🖕

[do crime but smart, Sunday, 4:16 PM]

Roonil Wazlib: you doin ok mate? Its been a awhile

Lightning McQueen: yeah I’m great!  We’ve been talking forever, he’s really amazing

     and just as hot as I remember

     he does this thing when he licks his lips but ugh

     he hasnt done it in a while

     I need more im addicted

Bookworm: I’m glad it’s going well

Lightning McQueen: thanks

     haha as soon as I got Rons notif, Draco’s phone buzzed too

     was kinda funny lol

     anyway gtg bye

Bookworm: bye!

[private group message, Sunday, 4:16 PM]

Draco: your best friend is stupid

Ron: oi!

Hermione: probably but why

Draco: our phones buzzed at the same time with Rons notification and harry just completely ignored it

Ron: yeah that sounds like him

Draco: also I talk exactly like I text and he hasn’t noticed it

     he straight-up mentioned “dragon” and I just

     hes an idiot

Hermione: he really is

     I time-traveled around him for an entire year and he didn’t notice

Ron: neither did I

Draco: …I noticed

Hermione: you did?

Ron: You did?

Draco: it was pretty fucking obvious

Hermione: I know I wasn’t good at hiding it at all

Draco: no you weren’t

Draco: anyway looks like he’s wrapping up the convo in the group chat so au revoir

Ron: adios

Hermione: bye

Chapter Text

[do crime but smart, Sunday, 9:13 PM]

Lightning McQueen: guys I just had the best night of my life

Roonil wazlib: thats awesome mate!  Tell us everything

Bookworm: but not too much everything, we have work tomorrow morning

     some of us have to be up at 5 for important meetings

Lightning McQueen: okay okay so we had a bunch of coffee, like too much coffee

     so we still had tons of energy when dinnertime rolled around

     so I asked him out to dinner

Dragon: …are you sure?

Lightning McQueen: well he hinted at it first and I suggested a place and then we went to dinner

Dragon: so what I’m hearing is that HE asked YOU to dinner

Lightning McQueen: whatever

Roonil wazlib: keep going harry

Lightning McQueen: so we got dinner at this pub and spent the whole time laughing and making fun of each other

     but then

Dragon: but then?

Lightning McQueen: but then the bartender hit on me, and I tried to tell her off and she wasn’t getting it

Bookworm: oh boy

Roonil wazlib: shit hit the fan didn’t it

Lightning McQueen: nope

Roonil wazlib: really?

Lightning McQueen: no that was a lie, shit did hit the fan 

     draco told her off, said we were on a date, and she tried to kick us out

Bookworm: why???

Dragon: Hermione.

Bookworm: oh god you’re not serious?

Dragon: I mean that’s what I’d assume

Lightning McQueen: yeah, it’s really fucking annoying but she told us that the bar didn’t serve “our kind”

Dragon: that made me so fucking angry

     **makes

     I wasn’t there of course lol

Lightning McQueen: anyway she tried to push us out and caused a scene

     a coworker came over and hit draco

Roonil wazlib: GODDAMN REALLY?

Lightning McQueen: YEAH IT WAS CRAZY

     but the best part?

     DRACO HIT HIM BACK

Bookworm: was it a good punch?

Lightning McQueen: better than yours in third year

     you’d be proud

Roonil wazlib: what happened next?

Lightning Mcqueen: well, obviously they started fighting.  The manager came out and broke it up, grabbed draco and the other guy and pulled them outside

     she asked what happened and so I had to explain the ✨homophobia✨ and she fired the guy and the girl on the spot

Bookworm: HELL YES

Dragon: thats pretty fucking awesome

     were you scared? When draco started fighting the other guy?

Lightining mcqueen: uh.

Dragon: sorry that was intrusive

     I just mean, it sounds like you two have a history

     I would’ve been scared of him

Lightning McQueen: I think I was at first, but not of  him, just for him

     y’know, I was worried he was going to get in more trouble than necessary

     cuz we do have a history.

Bookworm: …

Roonil wazlib: harry, are you okay?  Are you safe now?

Lightning McQueen: of course im safe.  I don’t think he’d ever hurt me intentionally

Roonil wazlib: but he has before, harry

Bookworm: we’re happy for you, but I want you to know that if he hurts you again, we’d hurt him back.

Roonil wazlib: I’d let ‘mione take a couple swings at him, then I’d get in there and beat the shit out of him.

Dragon: damn you guys are uh.  scary.

Lightning McQueen: dont worry, you’re not the target dragon.  Just stay on their good side and you’ll be fine

Dragon: yeah about that

Lightning McQueen: about what

Dragon: ….

Bookworm: ANYWAY DID YOU HAVE A GOOD NIGHT OVERALL HARRY

Lighting mcqueen: yeah I did… but what were you going to say dragon?

Roonil wazlib: DID YOU GUYS HAVE SEX

Lightning McQueen: wh- what? No, guys shut it for a sec

dragon?

Dragon: I was just gonna say uhm

     well.  If you and draco had a good time tonight then he’s probably trying to fix his history with you and make up for it

     I’m trying to make amends with uh. Someone else right now too

     so I guess I can just relate with draco

     from what ive heard about him, you know?

Lighting mcqueen: that makes sense.  idk, I’m just trying to take it one step at a time, you know?

Dragon: I do know, actually

     I think you’re doing great harry

Lightning McQueen: thanks dragon

     y’know, you’re a really cool person

Dragon: hah thanks

     you too

     or wtv

Bookworm: well Ron and I are going to bed

     I hope you two do as well

     separately, obviously, not together

     I mean if you want to go to bed together thats fine but thats not what I meant

Roonil wazlib: ‘mione

     shush and come to bed

Bookworm: right

[private group message, Sunday, 9:30 PM]

Hermione: draco Malfoy you are one lucky bastard

Draco: what

Hermione: can you imagine how he would’ve reacted if he knew you were dragon?  And you almost told him!

Draco: I did not!

Hermione: yes you did!  And that would’ve scared him, fired up his insecurities about whether or not this was a foul trick being played on him

     if we're being honest, I'm not even completely sure it isn’t

Draco: well im sorry you dont trust my good intentions but there’s nothing I can do about that

     if you’ve got a problem with it you know how to find me

Hermione: oh ill be finding you

     youre a scheming bastard, Draco Malfoy

Ron: ooookaaaayyy, no more texting for you love

Draco: no it’s fine Weasley, let her say it

     we all know its true

Ron: it isn’t and we all know it

     Hermione is just worried about harry, and rightfully so

     I’m worried about him too

Draco: then why aren’t you yelling at me as well?  Scared?

Ron: no im not scared of you

     I just know its pointless

     you know what we’re capable of, you know we’ll hurt you

Draco: yes, I do

Ron: okay, then problem solved

     just play nice and you’ll be fine

Draco: …

     this feels too easy…

Ron: not everything with us is a trick, mate

     if it helps, I think you’re rather fun, at least in chat

     and harry likes you, so you cant be too bad

Hermione: harry liked cho chang

Ron: point taken.

Draco: I was so jealous of her

Ron: really?

Draco: of course.  She had the “golden boy’s” attention

     half the school was jealous of her, boys and girls included

Ron: I didn’t peg you to be the jealous type Malfoy

Draco: …are you sure.

Ron: okay actually you’re definitely the jealous type, dunno what I was thinking

     anyway, its late and ‘mione’s fired up and I’m tired, lets just all go to bed

     talk to you later

Draco: uh huh

[private message, Sunday, 9:34 PM]

Draco: I know this might seem a little weird, but I just wanted to check on you

     from what you said in the chat it sounds like you had a stressful day, and draco made it even more so by fighting the waiter

     if you ever need me, im here for you, even though you don’t know me

     I hope you had a great day harry

     goodnight

Chapter Text

[private message, unknown number to Harry Potter, Monday, 6:04 AM]

Harry: oh thanks for checking on me, I did have a great day

     how are you dragon?

Unknown number: I’m doing great, thanks

     did you sleep well?

Harry: er- I guess

     you?

Unknown number: I slept great for the first time in a while

Harry: thats great!

     hang on, I need to make a contact for you in my phone

Unknown number: ok

….

Harry: done! ur now “dragon” with the little ring emoji next to it

Dragon: why the ring?

Harry: because we’re engaged, remember?

Dragon: oh thats right haha

     well I have to go, work calls

     see ya

Harry: bye :)

[the golden trio, Monday, 6:09 AM]

The Savior: guys I have a question

The Brains: what’s up?  I have five minutes ’til my next case so make it quick

The Heart: I haven’t even gotten out of bed yet

The Savior: okay so dragon, right?

     he’s cool or whatever

     but does he seem… like he’s hiding something to you guys?

The Brains: I mean, he probably is hiding things?

     we don’t know him harry

The Heart: yeah mate, he probably just gets nervous with strangers online

     stranger danger and all that

The Savior: yeah, yeah okay

     thats probably true

The Heart: …but?

The Savior: but what? But nothing.

The Heart: bullshit, there’s always a but with you

The Savior: fine fine

     he texted me last night out of the blue and checked on me

     i panicked when i saw it and waited til this morning to respond

The Brains: why did you panic?

The Savior: cuz, idk, i guess he seems familiar?  i don’t know

The Heart: well why don’t you ask him about it?

The Savior: because i avoid direct confrontation unless its with bad guys

     you know this Ron

The Brains: he’s right, he hates confrontation

The Heart: alright then I guess you’ll have to suffer

     pigwidgeon is squakiing, gotta go feed him

The Savior: he’s what now

The Heart: sqwaking

     squwacking

     squwaucking

The Brains: …squawking?

The Heart: i would’ve gotten there eventually

The Savior: no you wouldn’t’ve

The Brains: time to go, you boys play nice please

[hiss hiss bitches, Monday, 11:51 AM]

Dragon: I currently have seven empty notebooks and no idea what to put in them.  Suggestions?

Blazer: put spaghetti in it

Dragon: I’m currently taking suggestions from literally anyone but you.

Toot toot: put spaghetti in it

Dragon: I’m currently taking suggestions from anyone but you two

Pots n pans:  put spaghetti

Dragon: I’m no longer taking suggestions.

[do crime but smart, Monday, 11:53 AM]

Dragon: I currently have seven empty notebooks and no idea what to put in them.  I’ll accept any suggestions other than “put spaghetti in it”

Bookworm: start a bullet journal

Roonil Wazlib: put spaghetti in it

Lightning McQueen: put spaghetti in it

Dragon: I hate all my friends

     [ss from hiss hiss bitches]

Lightning McQueen: your friends sound like my kind of people

     I need a group chat with all of us

Roonil Wazlib: yessss this sounds brilliant

Bookworm: lord give me patience

Lightning McQueen: please dragonnnn you have to do it because you’re the only one that has all our numbers

Dragon: if I say no will you respect it

Lightning McQueen: absolutely not, I want this group chat

Dragon: fine fine hang on

[sos was created, Money, 11:56 AM]

Dragon: welcome to hell, as lightning mcqueen would say

Lightning McQueen: YASSSSS right then how’s everyone

Blazer: wtf is this 

Dragon: my new anonymous online friends wanted to have a group chat with you guys

Blazer: your… oh my god sos for sure

Roonil Wazlib: we’re loads of fun, we think you are too

Bookworm: I, for one, was not in support of this

Toot toot: I dont want to be here can we leave

Dragon: no lightning will harass me if you guys leave

Pots n pans: that sounds unhealthy, blink twice if youre in danger

Dragon: *blink blink*

Lighting McQueen: oh shush you love me, we’re engaged remember?

Blazer: YOU ARE??

Dragon: PLATONICALLY.  ONLINE.  FAKE.  

     we dont even know each other

Lightning McQueen: I know you like Sherlock and thats enough for me

Roonil Wazlib: whahaha there’s no escaping us you fools

Bookworm: I wish I could escape

     I made the mistake of marrying one of these fools, I can never escape

Roonil Wazlib: love you too hon

Lighting McQueen: I have to go, lunch is over, but prepare for more chaos when I return

Toot toot: SOS indeed…

[private message, Monday, 12:01 PM]

Hermione: draco.  You know we know who those people are, right?

Draco: yes and unfortunately they also know you

Ron: so everyone knows everyone… except Harry?

Draco: yep.

Ron: what’s new?

Hermione: this is either going to end very badly or very well.  Oh also harry’s onto you

Draco: HE’S WHAT

Ron: he texted us this morning and let us know that he “finds dragon suspicious”

Hermione: we quelled the fire for now, but you’d better fess up soon or there’s gonna be a much bigger fire

Draco: I thought you didn’t want him knowing im dragon?

Hermione: well if you two start dating, which I assume you will, then he’s going to get your number eventually.  Better to tell him than to let him find out that way

Draco: shit you’re right

Ron: she often is

     so what’re you gonna do mate

Draco: I don’t know, let me think about it

Hermione: just do us a favor and gives us a heads up before you spill the beans, okay?

Draco: okay

     er thank you

     for your help

Ron: you’re welcome

     good luck mate

Chapter Text

[do crime but smart, Tuesday, 8:33 AM]

Lightning McQueen: guys I dtnt feell os goood

Roonil Wazlib: oh no why

Bookworm: you understood that?

Roonil Wazlib: I speak fluent typo

Dragon: uhhh harry are you okay

Lightning McQueen: uh ive almost pasdef out luej deven tines el oh el

     yeah i ofine

Dragon: you dont sound fine

Lightning McQueen: just a bit loghwtinheade

     light

     hed

     haha

Roonil Wazlib: are you drinking water?

Dragon: did you throw up?

Lightning McQueen: yes and on

Bookworm: do you know why this is happening?

Lighting mcqueen: hehe not a ckue

Dragon: is your vision blurry?

Lightning McQueen: not if I blinj super hsrd

Bookworm: harry have you hit your head?

Lighting mcqueen: no uf ony think so

     i swearnij not habing a stroke

Dragon: please see a doctor

Lighting mcqueen: no mi fine

     theres a lot of perssue in my ears i think my sinusee ar just clogge

Roonil Wazlib: take some aspirin and stay home today

Lighting mcqueen: too late

     alrdey at wrok

Roonil Wazlib: harry go- did I just see you pass out in the corridor

     Harry?

Dragon: oh my god did he pass out

Roonil Wazlib: YEAH LMAO

Bookworm: That is not funny!

Roonil Wazlib: it is a little bit

     Here look

     [image of harry passed out on floor of ministry of magic]

Dragon: ok that is a bit funny

Bookworm: You two are terrible, I’m silencing my phone

     Take care of Harry, please

Roonil Wazlib: hang on lemme get him home

……

Dragon: well? r you guys ok?

Lightning McQueen: ya im doin better

Dragon: oh good, no typos

     you’re fine then

Roonil Wazlib: yeah I gave him some aspirin and water and made him eat breakfast

     he’ll live

Dragon: he will indeed

     Harry did you see the picture of you on the floor?

Lightning McQueen: WHAT

     OH MY GOD RON I HATE YOU

Roonil Wazlib: HAHAHAHAH

Dragon: this is hilarious

     You finally have a pfp in my phone

Lighting mcqueen: you’re horrible I hate you both

     hang on someones at the door

Roonil Wazlib: go get it

     Oh my gosh its draco

Dragon: oh yay!

     i mean who’s draco?

Roonil Wazlib: the guy Harry likes

     OMG THIS IS SO CUTE

Lightining Mcqueen: DRACO JUST BROUGHT ME FRESH BREAD??

Dragon: thats so sweet is it good

     Do you like it

Lightning McQueen: its SO good I love it

Roonil Wazlib: it is pretty fantastic

Dragon: great im glad you like it

     cuz 

     cuz uh he brought it of course

     im glad ur happy is what I mean

Roonil Wazlib: dragon dont you have to work?

Dragon: yeah ur right gtg bye

Lightning McQueen: bye???

[sos, Tuesday, 12:01 PM]

Lightning McQueen: guys have you listened to the orion experience

Roonil wazlib: nope

Toot toot: probably at some point

Bookworm: I have not

Dragon: no

Lightning McQueen: you guys are boring

Blazer: I LISTEN TO THEM

     FAVE SONG GO

Lightning McQueen: WE ARE THE ONES

     WBU???

Blazer: CULT OF DIONYSUS

Lightning McQueen: okay that one is good too

     blazer ur my new favorite

Dragon: hey I thought I was ur favorite?

Lightning McQueen: listen to the Orion experience and maybe you will be

Dragon: but we’re engaged!

Lightning McQueen: and yet here I am

     with another person

Dragon: im so offended, goodbye

Blazer: haha good

     the door is that way ☞

Lightning McQueen: what kind of music do the rest of you listen to?

Pots n pans: i stick with 80s rock, might dabble in the 90s if its really good

Lightning McQueen: how do you feel about David Bowie?

Pots n pans: ten out of ten man and music

Dragon: I agree

Lightning McQueen: good answer

     others?

Toot toot: I am not participating in this

Blazer: aw c’mon toot toot, we wanna hear your horn ;)

Lightning McQueen: im going to ignore how horribly sexual that sounded and agree that yes u do need to participate

Toot toot: no

Pots n pans: ur absolutely no fun

Toot toot: I do not care

Roonil Wazlib: well I listen to mostly alternative music, a lot of indie stuff too

Bookworm: I just love Lana del Ray and No Doubt

Pots n pans: I LOVE NO DOUBT

Bookworm: WAIT REALLY

     WE STAN STRONG WOMEN

Pots n pans: HELL YEAH WE DO 

Lightning McQueen: so we’ve got a bit of everything in here, I think we should compile a playlist

     in fact I’ve already made a collaborative one on Spotify

     [spotify link]

Roonil Wazlib: adding music rn

Blazer: same

Pots n pans: SAME

Bookworm: Ron, love, will you add some of my music for me?  I’m at work

Roonil Wazlib: I think we’re all at work but sure

Lightning McQueen: actually I’m at lunch

     im meeting a guy in a few

Bookworm: oooo tell us how it goes

Dragon: are you meeting that guy, draco?

     the one who brought you really tasty homemade bread?

Lightning McQueen: yep, he should be here any minute, at which point I will stop messaging

Pots n pans: tell us how it goes

Lightning McQueen: uh ofc I will

     OH HE’S HERE

     shit he’s so pretty guys

    he’s walking over and he hasn’t even looked up but his hair… it sparkles

Dragon: it sparkles?????

Roonil Wazlib: okay mate this isn’t a romance flick, get a grip

Lightning McQueen: RON. I KID YOU NOT. HIS HAIR IS SPARKLING. 

Dragon: maybe he has hair gel with gold flakes in it that he got for Christmas and never thought he’d use until he encountered a cute guy that he knew would love it

Lightning McQueen: …

Roonil Wazlib: wut.

Dragon: or maybe they’re silver flakes

or craft glitter idk just ideas anyway lunch break ended gtg 

Roonil Wazlib: how convenient -_-

Lightning McQueen: gtg 2 ttyl!

Pots n pans: why does he sound like a teenage girl from the early 2000s with her first pink flip phone

Blazer: UR RIGHT HAH

[hiss hiss bitches, Tuesday, 12:13 PM]

Toot toot: fyi draco you are a terrible fucking liar

Blazer: FR MAN I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA SPILL THE BEANS RIGHT THEN AND THERE

Pots n pans: I cant believe you actually use that hair gel I got you

     It was a gag gift mate

Dragon: well it smells good and had the desired effect on harry so i dont see the problem

Blazer: PFFFTTT

     Have fun on your lunch date fool

Toot toot: and for the love of all things god in this world, take some classes on how to keep a secret

Dragon: this is homophobia

Toot toot: yeah

Blazer: probably

Pots n pans: for sure

Dragon: -_-

Chapter Text

[do crime but smart, Thursday, 3:43 pm]

Roonil Wazlib: sometimes I drink milk straight from the container

Lightning McQueen: the cow?

Bookworm: what???

Dragon: HARRY.  WHY.

Lightning McQueen: wut?

Roonil Wazlib: oh good we’re focusing on that not my confession

Bookworm: No, I still have a problem with your confession.

Roonil Wazlib: well shit

Lightning McQueen: he said the container!  milk comes from cows!

Dragon: yes, comes from them, but you don’t store your milk in a cow in the refrigerator, now do you?

Lightning McQueen: maybe i do

     u wouldn’t know

     u’ve never been 2 my house

Bookworm: You’ve got a flat, not a house, Harry.  And Ron, you’d better have a new gallon of milk in the fridge when I get home, or so help me-

Roonil Wazlib: on it love

Dragon: see, those two function like proper people

     and then there’s you

Lightning McQueen: third-wheeling 4life 🤪

Dragon: hey you’ve got me

Lightning McQueen: huh

Dragon: uh cuz we’re engaged remember

     platonically

     it happened a while ago I don’t expect you to remember anyway

Lightning McQueen: no i remember

     but it’s not like i can take you on a date with these two sooo

Dragon: well why not?

Bookworm: Because we don’t KNOW YOU, remember???

Roonil Wazlib: yeah, ur a complete STRANGER

Lightning McQueen: oh come on guys

     if dragon felt comfy meeting irl then id totally b down

     but i wont pressure him into anything dw

Dragon: I think we should totally meet up

     That would be fun, you seem cool

Roonil Wazlib: UH HARRY NO

     DO U KNOW ANYTHING ABT STRANGER DANGER

Bookworm: Yeah, there’s a LOT of things that could go wrong!  What if you’re getting groomed, Harry?  What then?

Lightning McQueen: you 2 r so dramatic

     im the fukcin chosen one

     i can handle a potential perp

Dragon: also I’m not a perp

     I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised to meet me

Lightning McQueen: o?

     now im excited

     ur such a tease dragon 😉

Roonil Wazlib: oh god ew stop

Bookworm: Get a room

Dragon: that’s a good idea

Roonil Wazlib: NO

Bookworm: NO

Lightning McQueen: lets start with coffee yea?

Dragon: we can get coffee at a bed & breakfast… ;)

Lightning McQueen: ooo now ur speaking my language

Bookworm: PLEASE STOP

Roonil Wazlib: brb gonna bleach my eyes

Dragon: hahahaha

Lightning McQueen: anyway we should totally meet up dragon

     we can do the whole “im wearing a red scarf and Burgundy fedora” spy thing

     yk

Dragon: YES OMG

     When are you free?

Lightning McQueen: ive got a date tomorrow night

     but i can do sunday anytime

Dragon: that works for me

     do you live anywhere near maclaren’s coffee?

Lighting mcqueen: i do actually

     how does 1 sound

Dragon: 1 sounds great

     see you then ;)

Bookworm: Oh Merlin help us…

Roonil Wazlib: it’s the beginning of the end

Lightning McQueen: dramatic bitches

Dragon: hehehe

[hiss hiss bitches, Thursday, 4:01 pm]

Dragon: so I’m meeting up with Harry on Sunday

Pots n pans: I thought u had a date on friday?

Dragon: we do, but Dragon is meeting up with him on Sunday

Blazer: ohhhh

Toot toot: damn, you’re gonna do the big reveal in person?

Dragon: yeah, I figure maybe I can do damage control then

Pots n Pans: or you could NEED damage control

Blazer: he could be completely pissed at you

Toot toot: He could make your life a living hell

Pots n Pans: he could leave you forever

Blazer: and then we’d have to deal with your moaning about it

Dragon: you guys are some friends, you know that

Toot toot: We’re just trying to look out for you, mate

Blazer: we don’t want you to get hurt

Pots n Pans: but if you’re sure you wanna do it like this then we support you

Dragon: … well I'm not sure ANYMORE

     You’re completely right, all those things could happen!

Blazer: so what are you going to do about it?

Dragon: well I’ve got to cancel the plans

     ASAP

     Brb

[do crime but smart, Thursday, 4:05 pm]

Dragon: hey harry, sorry to do this but actually Sunday at 1 doesn’t work, I’ve got tea with my mother

Lightning McQueen: oh thats okay!

     we can reschedule

     im open all day :)

Dragon: well uh actually… its all day tea

     Its a thing we do

Lighting mcqueen: aw thats sweet!

     well im open Saturday as well

Dragon: I’m… otherwise preoccupied

     I have an appointment

     With the devil

Lighting mcqueen: u- 

     u don’t have to tell me why ur busy

     u can just say that ur busy

Dragon: oh

Lightning McQueen: its ok, I get it

     lust lmk when ur free

Dragon: …actually, my mother cancelled

     I can still do Sunday, if you want

Lighting mcqueen: yea sounds good!

     im excited :)

     now about that appointment with the devil...?

Dragon: HAHA UH IM BUSY GTG BYE

Lightning McQueen: …

Bookworm: Told you it wouldn’t work

Roonil Wazlib: ‘mione, be nice

     he’s been rejected, he needs comfort

Lightning McQueen: ive not been rejected

     hes just busy

     And we worked it out

Bookworm: That felt like a solid rejection to me, Harry.

Roonil Wazlib: shes right, mate

     He was trying to get rid of you

Lightning McQueen: no he wasnt?  he just rescheduled

     u guys r confusing me, im gonna go visit teddy

Roonil Wazlib: okay well if you need us we’re here for you

Lightning McQueen: thanks

[hiss hiss bitches, Thursday, 4:09 pm]

Dragon: since when is cancelling plans so difficult?

Pots n pans: oh boy, what did you do

Dragon: [conversation screenshot]

Blazer: MATE

     WHAT THE HELL

Toot toot: why did you cave again?

Dragon: HE SOUNDED UPSET OK

Toot toot: But you-

     You know what, never mind

     This is a battle I cant win

Pots n pans: well now you HAVE to go through with it, you can’t cancel again

Dragon: I could fake being sick?

Blazer: that would just be rude

     He may be stupid but he’s not that stupid

Dragon: shit

     guys… what do I do?

Chapter Text

[private message, Friday, 9:21 AM]

Draco: let’s go over the plan one more time.

Ron: mate, we’ve been over it a hundred times

Hermione: There’s nothing more to go over.

Draco: just… please?

Ron: fine.

     ‘Mione and I are going to butter him up of tonight

Draco: don’t say it like that

Ron: well thats what it is!

Hermione: Keep going!

Ron: and then after your date, we’re going to hint at the fact that you might be “Dragon”

Hermione: Because if he figures it out himself, he’s less likely to be angry.

Ron: but I dont think he’ll be angry anyway

Hermione: I think he will.

Draco: I think the two of you are horrible wingmen

     And this is gonna be the end of me

Ron: oi!

Hermione: You didn’t have to ask for our help, Malfoy.

Draco: yeah, I’m beginning to regret this

Ron: just get through the work day? Then this can all be over

Draco: fine.

Hermione: Fine.

Ron: god we suck

[sos, Friday, 12:04 PM]

Lightning McQueen: guys i have a date 2nite

Roonil Wazlib: we know

Bookworm: We know.

Dragon: yay!

Blazer: who’s the lucky chap?

Lightning McQueen: his name is Draco n hes amazing

Pots n pans: he’s amazing? really?

Lightning McQueen: he has the nicest hair n we always have rly good banter

     n it helps that ive known him 4ever

Roonil Wazlib: you used to be enemies.

Toot toot: that doesn’t sound healthy.

Bookworm: thats what we said!

Dragon: I, for one, am happy for you.

Lighting McQueen: thanks

     yk

     if i wasnt completely infatuated with this guy

     id date u

Dragon: where’s the slash j

Lightning McQueen: :)

Roonil Wazlib: I hate my life

Bookworm: you do seem similar to Draco

Pots n pans: ooooo does Lightning have a type?

Lightning McQueen: no!

Roonil Wazlib: yes.

Lightning McQueen: then what is it?

Bookworm: Blonde

Roonil Wazlib: sexual tension

Bookworm: Will put him in his place

Roonil Wazlib: sexual tension

     probably bullied you for seven years

Bookworm: *Eight years.

Roonil Wazlib: eight years

     and have I mentioned yet

     sexual tension

Blazer: damn lightning

     you just got called out

Lightning McQueen: this feels targeted 

Roonil Wazlib: it definitely is

Dragon: your friends are mean

     Join us

     We’re nice people

Pots n pans: mostly

Toot toot: occasionally we’ll also make fun of you

Lightning McQueen: that just sounds like my current friends

     whats in it 4 me?

Dragon: uhhh 

     me?

Lightning McQueen: sold

     when do i move in

Dragon: tonight

Lightning McQueen: but i have a date 2nite

Dragon: oh thats right

     Well maybe you’ll see me there…

Lightning McQueen: oh???

Dragon: lunch breaks over, au revoir ;)

Lightning McQueen: oh???!?

[private message, Friday, 5:33 PM]

Draco: are you two worried about Harry?

Hermione: Definitely.

Ron: yeah, once he called me in the middle of the night and just yelled “what do I do, what do I do, what do I do?”

Draco: and what’d you say?

Ron: “I dunno, I dunno, I dunno.”

Hermione: …

Draco: he’s so lucky to have you as his best mate.

Ron: ikr

Hermione: But why are you worried about him, Draco?

Draco: I'm not, I just wanted to see if you two were

     You’re still hyping him up, right?

Ron: the butter has been slathered upon him

Hermione: What?

Draco: are you fucking stupid?

Ron: I mean broadly yeah but what prompted you to ask?

Hermione: Oh my god, this is going to go terribly

Draco: it would go better if Weasley didn’t say shit like “the butter has been slathered”

Ron: its not my fault it makes you uncomfortable

Draco: well you could stop saying it

Ron: no

Draco: why not?

Ron: because im not boring like you

Draco: you think I’m boring, do you?

Hermione: BOYS.

     Shut up.

     Please argue after all hell breaks loose on Sunday evening.

Ron: fine

Draco: fine.

Ron: we’re “hyping” harry up

     ur date will go great

Hermione: One can only hope

Draco: you’re horrible, horrible wingmen.

Hermione: yes, you’ve said

Draco: and I stand by it.

[do crime but smart, Friday, 6:01 PM]

Lightning McQueen: he’s late

     Hes late wat do i do oh my god what do I do

Roonil Wazlib: I dunno 

Bookworm: He’s probably just lost

     He seems like the type to get lost easily

Dragon: OR he’s fashionably late

Lightning McQueen: what?

Dragon: maybe he wants to make you nervous for a few minutes so that when he does arrive, you get a bigger rush of happiness

Lightning McQueen: …

     so what do I do?

Dragon: just wait, I’m sure he’ll be there in a couple minutes

Roonil Wazlib: I sure hope you’re right dragon

     Or else he’s an asshole

Dragon: you seem very judgmental Ronald

     Is there something on your mind

Roonil Wazlib: oh, I’ll give you a piece of my mind you ferret-

Bookworm: Please, guys, not now.

Lightning McQueen: HES HERE

Dragon: how do you know?

Lightning McQueen: i would know that goddamn hair anywhere!!

Dragon: weird but okay

     Have fun!  Tell us everything!!

Roonil Wazlib: yeah!!!!

Bookworm: Good luck, Harry!

[sos, Friday, 9:24 PM]

Blazer: sooooo how’s the date going

Roonil Wazlib: we dunno

     Harry wont answer the bloody phone

Bookworm: I’m not worried, I’m sure they’re just having a good time.

     The other date lasted five or six hours

Toot toot: damn really? What the hell did they do for all that time?

Pots n pans: had sex probably

Roonil Wazlib: god I hope not

Blazer: id love to know the details

     d’you think Potter’s good in bed?

Roonil Wazlib: GROSS

Blazer: just asking

     you sure you don’t know anything about that?

Roonil Wazlib: HES MY BEST MATE

Blazer: whatever you say

Bookworm: ON ANOTHER NOTE

     Let’s stop texting in this chat because we don’t want to interrupt the date.

Pots n pans: aw you’re no fun

Bookworm: Respect our friends, Parkinson.

Blazer: boooooring

Roonil Wazlib: shut it

Bookworm: GUYS.  QUIET.

Chapter Text

[sos, Saturday, 8:31 AM]

blazer: alright, i’ll say it

     we didnt hear anything from them last night

roonil wazlib: i know

pots n pans: deliciously suspicious

blazer: they DEFINITELY fucked

roonil wazlib: yeah i hate to admit it but youre right

bookworm: You could’ve put it a bit more tastefully.

pots n pans: oh, i’m sure it was VERY tasty

roonil wazlib: OH GOD STOP

toot toot: yeah please

blazer: damn ok

     you know its bad when theo is agreeing with weasley

bookworm: should we check on them?

roonil wazlib: i, for one, never want to see draco naked, so no

blazer: ill go

     i want to see harry naked

roonil wazlib: now hold on-

pots n pans: NOBODY is going to see anyone naked

     we are not checking on them, theyre grown adults

     theyll text when they wake up

[sos, Saturday, 10:12 AM]

lightning mcqueen: This is Draco on Harry’s phone

     We spent the night in the hospital

roonil wazlib: OH MY GOD WHAT

bookworm: Which hospital? We’re coming right now

blazer: what the hell happened??

lightning mcqueen: It’s okay now, everything is okay

     We’re at a muggle hospital, I just sent you the address

     Harry just had an allergic reaction

blazer: thats it?

lightning mcqueen: Well

     It was a very violent allergic reaction

bookworm: HOW violent, Draco?

lightning mcqueen: He went into anaphylactic shock almost immediately

roonil wazlib: he’s not allergic to anything we know of

lightning mcqueen: Apparently, the red pimentos in green olives cause Harry’s body to self-combust

roonil wazlib: why are you at a muggle hospital?

lightning mcqueen: the restaurant was in a muggle area, and i’m not allowed to apparate for another two years

     I had to get someone to call a fucking ambulance

roonil wazlib: oh shit

lightning mcqueen: but its okay now, he’s totally stable, just resting

     they’ll discharge him when he wakes up

roonil wazlib: so do we need to come to the hospital or not?

lightning mcqueen: no, i’m going to take harry back to his flat when we get discharged

     you can meet us there

bookworm: okay

     let us know when he’s out

     we’re heading over now

lightning mcqueen: oh he’s awake

     he wants his phone back

     im not going to ggggg

roonil wazlib: what

lightning mcqueen: BEAT DEATH AGAIN BITCHES

bookworm: Harry!  How are you feeling?

lightning mcqueen: LIKE A GODDDD

roonil wazlib: YEAH!!

blazer: he’s still out of it, obviously

bookworm: No, this is just how he acts.

pots n pans: REALLY BAHAHAH

toot toot: how obnoxious.

lightning mcqueen: docs are discharging me now

     we r on our way home

roonil wazlib: we’re already here

dragon: omg i JUST read these messages, i am so sorry harry

     i hope you’re doing better now

[golden trio, Saturday, 1:08 pm]

The Saviour: i forgot to gets draco’s number AGAIN

     the man literally took me 2 the hospital

     AND I DIDNT GET HIS NUMBER

The Heart: sounds about right

The Saviour: fuck off

The Brains: I’m sure you’ll remember next time

The Heart: maybe theres a reason he hasn’t given it to you yet

The Saviour: like what?

The Brains: Yeah Ron, like what?

The Heart: maybe he’s got like a secret online persona and he’s afraid if you get his number, you’ll out it in one of those softwares that gives you all the info about them

The Saviour:

The Brains:

The Heart: or something idk

The Saviour: thats so fucking creepy dude

     and also reasonable

     ill be sure 2 reassure him next time i see him

The Brains: What?

The Saviour: wut?

The Brains: You

     You

     Nevermind.

The Heart: and ur sure ur okay by yourself harry?

The Saviour: ofc i am

     im a grown man

The Brains: Really? I wouldn’t have guessed

The Saviour: HEY

The Heart: BAHAHAHAH

     she got you there

The Saviour: im going to nap now

     fuck you both

The Heart: <3

The Brains: <3

     let us know if you need anything harry

[private message, Saturday 1:15 pm]

Ron: YOU NEARLY KILLED MY BEST FRIEND

Draco: woah what

Ron: YOU DID THIS ON PURPOSE

     I KNOW IT MALFOY I JUST KNOW IT

     YOU TRIED TO KILL HIM

Draco: I took him to the hospital???

Ron: A MUGGLE HOSPITAL

Draco: i couldnt get to St Mungos in time!!

Hermione: Ronald, calm down.

Ron: CALM DOWN???

     everything harry has survived and DRACO TRIES TO KILL HIM

Hermione: RONALD.

Draco: I swear I didn’t mean for him to get hurt

     If he had no idea he was allergic to red pimentos, how on earth would I have known?

Ron: i dont bloody know

     but i KNOW it was your fault

     if i knew where you lived i’d be at your fucking door right now

Draco: goddamnit weasley, i violated my probation for him!

     i confunded the muggles at the hospital so we wouldn’t have to provide insurance, and it wouldn’t raise questions.  i cast healing spells on him in the ambulance so he would even make it to the hospital.

     the fucking ministry officer just left my apartment after telling me my probation would be reviewed because of my “violations and mistakes” for harry.

     so fuck you for thinking i would ever want to hurt him.  i risked my rights as a free man to keep him alive.

Ron: what

Draco: you can hate me all you want, i dont care

     this quasi friendship we have can burn in hell

     but if you try to sabotage this thing i’ve got with harry, you’ll be in serious trouble

Hermione: Draco

Draco: just stay the fuck away from me.

Hermione: Draco, Ron’s just angry

     He didn’t know you would go so far for him

     Draco?

     Draco don’t ignore us.

Ron: just let him go. he doesnt care.

Hermione: Draco, please.

     Draco?

     …

[private message, Saturday, 6:01 pm]

dragon: hey, i know you’re still recovering from your accident, so i figured we would postpone our meeting tomorrow

Harry: what?

     no!

     im fine!

dragon: uh

     a life-threatening allergic reaction is not ‘fine’

harry: its fine, im all healed thanks to magic

     i mean

     the magic of medicine

     some revolutionary new allergy drugs

     im totally healed

dragon: are you sure?

harry: yeah!

     so tomorrow at 1, right?

dragon: yeah

     but if you need to cancel, please tell me

     its totally okay

harry: i will for sure

     so how will i recognize you

dragon: uhm

     you’ll know

harry: but how?

dragon: trust me

harry: okay

     see you then!

dragon: see you :)

[private message, Saturday, 10:34 PM]

Ron: i’m sorry, mate

     i overreacted

     i just dont know what i would do if i lost my best friend.

     thank you for keeping him safe.

Hermione: We don’t hate you, Draco.

     Good luck tomorrow.

read at 10:35 pm

Chapter Text

[sos, Sunday, 11:00 AM]

Dragon: guys i have a question

Lightning mcqueen: What is it?

Blazer: if its about the notebooks, i stand by my spaghetti statement

Toot toot: ditto

Pots n pans: ditto

Dragon: It is not

Bookworm: Ask away!

Dragon: if one was making plans really far in advance to be honest with someone

     And then the day of the honesty

     One backed out

     Would one be a shitty person

     Asking for a friend

Roonil wazlib: yes.

Bookworm: Need more context.

Pots n pans: most likely, yes

Lightning mcqueen: maybe?

Blazer: depends what you’re being honest about

Toot toot: pffft no

     who needs honesty

     dragon you still think it was blazer who dyed your hair purple when we were thirteen

Blazer: I TOLD YOU I DIDNT DO IT!!!!

Pots n pans: I KNEW IT!

Dragon:  YOU RUINED MY BEAUTIFUL HAIR???

Toot toot: guilty as charged

     hehehehe

Lightning mcqueen: thats hilarious bcuz we had a boy in our year at school who had his pristine blond hair dyed purple by his friends

     it was actually draco, the guy ive been going out with

     we all found it hilarious ofc

     wait

Dragon: fuck

Lightning mcqueen: wait a second

Dragon: fukc fuck fuck fuck Theo I’ll kill you

Lightning mcqueen: blaise zabini?

Blazer: uh oh

Lightning mcqueen: and pansy parkinson?

Pots n pans: this was not my fault

Lightning mcqueen: and… i assume theodore nott?

Toot toot: yeah this might be my bad

Lighting mcqueen: and

     draco?

Dragon: Listen Harry I was going to tell you today

Lightning mcqueen: are you shitting me rn

Dragon: I didn’t want you to find out this way

Lightning mcqueen: wait

     Ron, Hermione

     Did you know?

Roonil wazlib: yeah.  we knew.

Bookworm: We’re sorry, Harry.

Roonil wazlib: malfoy didn’t want us telling you yet

Lightning mcqueen: am I the only person in this goddamn chat that DIDNT know we all knew each other???

Bookworm: Yes.

Lightning mcqueen: and you all KNEW I didn’t know?

Roonil wazlib: yeah

Lightning mcqueen: ….

Dragon: harry just let me explain

Lightning mcqueen: holy fuck I am STUPID

Pots n pans: no way

Lightning mcqueen: i mean i knew i was a little oblivious

     hermione time-traveling in third year was a pretty well-kept secret but still

Dragon: it wasn’t actually

Toot toot: we all suspected really

Pots n pans: i almost asked her flat out if she would take me with her

Lightning mcqueen: ok well fuck you all

     but i didn’t think i was this unobservant

Dragon: well

     If we’re on the topic of you being rather obtuse

     I think I’ve been in love with you for years and I’m just now coming to terms with it, but that was a pretty well-kept secret so don’t feel too bad.

Bookworm: It most certainly was not.

Toot toot: we’ve been telling you that for YEARS mate

Dragon: FUCK I DIDNT MEAN TO ACTUALLY SEND THAT

Roonil wazlib: YOURE IN LOVE WITH MY BEST FRIEND???

Lightning mcqueen: UR IN LOVE WITH ME???

blazer: wow this is really not going your way

Dragon: Blaise

     Respectfully

     Shut up

Blazer: got it

Dragon: Everyone shut up for a second so I can type

     …

     Harry, I’m really sorry you had to find out all of this over text.  I meant for it to happen in person, today, but you deserved for me to be straight with you from the start.  I’m sorry.

     I understand if you don’t wanna see me again

Lightning mcqueen: well i sure hope u aren’t straight with me

Dragon: did you just make a gay joke

Lightning mcqueen: i cope through humour 

     specifically shitty gay jokes and self-deprecating jokes

Roonil wazlib: thats true, yeah

Bookworm: And he’s extraordinarily non-confrontational when it comes to basic human experiences.

Lightning mcqueen: u guys r not helping

Dragon: I didn’t mean to put you on the spot.  If you need time, thats ok too

Lightning mcqueen: time?

     Its been twelve years

     or eleven

     or thirteen

     I don’t really know what year it is

Bookworm: It’s been eleven years since we all met.

Lightning mcqueen: thanks ‘mione

     what im saying is

     this is this best turn of events that couldve happened

     i was afraid i was gonna catch feelings for dragon and have to battle my feelings for draco

     but ur both of them!

Dragon: How… convenient?

Lightning mcqueen: exactly!

     how soon can u be at my flat

     actually i’ll come to urs

     and im gonna kiss u on the face and we r gonna mute our phones for the next 24 hours and do 11 yrs worth of unspeakable things

Roonil wazlib: gross

Toot toot: tmi

Blazer: can I come?

Bookworm: zabini!

Dragon: wait, so you’re not mad?

Lightning mcqueen: only at myself for not putting it together sooner

     and at you 

     for not having kissed me yet

     where do u even live

Bookworm: I think it’s time we all tune this out.

Toot toot: they wont commit any heinous crimes in the chat

Blazer: I wish they would

Roonil wazlib: i wish i could hex your mouth shut

Blazer: I could still type

Roonil wazlib: darling, is there a hex for making him not type

Bookworm: I’m sure I could find you a hex that would render his fingers useless for a predetermined period of time, if you really wanted.

Roonil wazlib:  I love you

Pots n pans: they make a scary fucking couple

Blazer: agreed, i redact my prior statements in the efforts of keeping my fingers functional

Dragon: I just sent you my address

Lightning mcqueen: omw

     just grabbing my sexiest lingerie

Blazer: i can’t tell if he’s joking or not

Lighting mcqueen: oh and i forgot

     draco?

Dragon: yeah?

Lightning mcqueen: i love you too :)