Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

This was the weirdest fucking job Inej had ever taken.

She was sat on a loveseat next to a man dressed all in black, who held a cane in his hands.

His name was Kaz Brekker, and they had met for the first time less than an hour ago, in the coffee shop across the street.

Now they were side by side in a counselor's office, pouring their false hearts out.

"I just don't know if we can make this work anymore," Inej was saying, trying her hardest to work up some tears. "I don't know if I even want to."

"Don't say that," Brekker said, sounding utterly broken. He was a good actor, she had to hand it to him. "We're worth fighting for, darling, I know we are. You can't just throw that all away."

She sighed, wiping at her eyes.

"What would be the point, Kaz?"

"Do you still love me?"

"Of course I do!" She pretended at outrage. "How can you even ask me that?"

"That's the point, then!" He grabbed her hand in his, which was still covered by his glove for some reason. "I love you, Inej, I have loved you for the last ten years, since we were children. Please don't walk away from me. From us."

"Okay guys," their counselor, Jeannie, cut in. "This was a good intro session. I think I got a pretty good feel for how things have been going. I think we should meet again next week. Does Tuesday at three work for you guys?"

Putting on a defeated slump of her shoulders and staring down into her lap, Inej nodded.

"Yes, that will be fine." Kaz said.

"Wonderful," Jeannie said. "Be good to each other until then."

They nodded at the receptionist on their way out.

***

This was the first job Inej had taken on as an independent contractor, since she'd finally escaped the Menagerie a week ago. She'd been breaking into houses for sale to sleep at night, and stealing food from bougie grocery stores, but that would all be over soon. This job would pay handsomely, she just had to make it through to the end.

She had responded to a posting looking for a spider, who could commit to running a long con and was a decent actor.

She didn't know exactly what the purpose of the con was, but she knew Jeannie wasn't their actual target. She just gave them a solid excuse to be in the building every week.

She blinked a little as she stepped out into the daylight, side by side with her new employer, Kaz Brekker.

She'd heard his name before, of course. Dirtyhands was a frequent player in the city's criminopolitical scene, and apparently she'd been the only serious candidate mad enough to apply.

"I'll need you to sneak onto the eighth floor tonight," Brekker said. "Don't need you to steal anything, but figure out a route in and out and map out the security for me."

"Of course," Inej said.

"Bring your findings to this address when you're done," he continued. "They'll ask you for a codeword at the door, it's 'corvid' this month."

She nodded again, and he tipped his hat to her.

"Well I guess I'll see you tonight."

***

Inej arrived at the address Kaz had given her at half past one in the morning, to find it bustling with activity. An impossibly large man stood in front of the door, scowling at her as she approached.

She didn't like the looks of him. He reminded her too much of an old client she'd seen at the Menagerie, and she didn't feel like dredging any of that up just then, so she ducked around to the back of the building and began climbing up a wall.

It wasn't difficult to locate the right window. Getting through it proved a little trickier, but it was less than five minutes until she slid into the empty room.

It was spartan in its plainness, but obviously belonged to Kaz. She sat in his chair and propped her feet up on his desk, just because she could, and waited for him to make an appearance.

It was only moments later when the door banged open and he strode in, followed by the receptionist from Jeannie’s office, the redheaded one.

“Nina’s services are required elsewhere, Wylan,” he was saying. “And Jesper would make a terrible secretary. We’ve already decided that it has to be you, and I’m not exactly clear on why I’m stuck here explaining it again.”

The receptionist, Wylan, caught sight of Inej over Kaz’s shoulder and stopped short, staring.

Kaz whirled around to face her and froze for a moment, shock flitting across his face.

It was only for a moment, though, and then he collected himself again.

“Wylan,” he said pleasantly. “Please excuse us.”

“But-” the boy started.

“I have things to discuss with my new spider. Out.”

Sighing, Wylan left, shutting the door firmly behind him.

“I have a name you know.”

“Of course,” Kaz said magnanimously. “May I have my chair back, Inej?”

Sighing, she levered herself out of the desk chair and plopped down onto the desk instead.

“I drew out a rough map of the eighth floor,” she said, nodding down to where she’d set the plans. “Entry and egress routes, security systems, layout.”

“Any complications?” he asked, settling into his chair with a sigh.

“Night janitor,” she responded. “Comes in and does a sweep of the floor around eleven. Out by midnight.”

He nodded.

“Good.”

They sat in silence for a few minutes, until Kaz spoke again.

“I seem to recall giving you the passcode to get in,” he said.

She nodded.

“Corvid.”

“That’s right,” he stretched his bad leg out in front of him. “And yet I didn’t get a heads up from any of my door guards that you had arrived.”

She shrugged.

“Not my fault they can’t do their jobs.”

“Oh, but they can,” he said. “I only hire exceptional talent.”

“Maybe I found another way in,” she responded.

“Care to enlighten me?”

“It’s as you said, Mr. Brekker. You only hire exceptional talent. And I,” she leaned forward a little. “Have exceptional talent.”

“Be that is it may,” he started to say, but was interrupted by the office door banging open.

A tall brown boy stood in the doorway, a massive grin spreading across his face.

“You must be Inej!” he cried out. “Kaz’s wife!”

Kaz rolled his eyes.

“You know the plan as well as I do, Jesper,” he said. “You know we needed a sham marriage to get inside the building.”

Jesper waved this away.

“And I offered to be your irate lover, but no,” he propped himself up on the desk beside Inej. “I just wasn’t good enough for you.”

“Inej,” Kaz said pleasantly, as though the other man had not spoken. “This is Jesper, our sharpshooter and jack of all trades. Jesper, our new spider.”

Jesper slung his arm around her shoulders, pulling her into a half hug. He let her go immediately when he felt her tense against him, though.

“Lovely to meet you, I’m sure,” he said.

Inej gave him a nod and a smile in return.

“If that’s all you needed, Kaz,” she said. “I had best be on my way.”

“Of course,” he said. “I’ll contact you if we require your services before next Tuesday.”

Inej went to slide off the desk, but was stopped by Jesper’s hand on her shoulder.

“Come on, Kaz,” he said. “You’re not gonna send her home alone in the middle of the night. She can stay at the Slat.”

“It’s fine,” Inej said, making for the window.

“Nonsense!” Jesper caught her elbow. “You’re part of the crew now! All of the rest of us live here.”

They both looked to Kaz, who shrugged.

“Makes no difference to me,” he said.

“Wonderful!” Jesper steered her across the room, towards the door, talking a mile a minute. “I’m sure you can bunk up with Nina. You’ll love Nina, everybody does. Is that Sankta Lizabeta?” he nodded to her necklace. “Wonderful, you’re religious. Matthias will like you. Maybe with your help we can convince him to make us waffles in the morning. The man’s a bit of an asshole, but he makes a mean waffle. How did you get in, anyway?”

Chapter Text

“Welcome back you two,” Jeannie said when she let them into her office the next Tuesday. “How have things been going?”

They both mumbled vaguely agreeable things while they shucked off their coats.

“Can I offer you any tea or coffee?” she asked.

“No, thank you,” Inej said. Kaz did not respond.

The loveseat was still there where it had been the week before, but there were now two chairs sitting in front of it, facing each other.

“I thought we could try something a little different today,” Jeannie said. “Go ahead and sit in those chairs for me.”

They did as they were told. The chairs were uncomfortably close to each other, and their knees ended up touching when they had settled in.

“Kaz,” Jeannie said after a long moment of stillness. “Do you think Inej is beautiful?”

“Of course,” he said. It wasn’t even a lie. There was something oddly captivating about her.

“What part of her face do you love the most?”

Kaz pretended to consider this for a moment, letting his eyes wander over his features. Every part of her face was exquisite, but her eyes had stood out from the moment he had met her. They were luminous. Inej studied him in turn, no doubt planning a response should she be asked the same question.

“Her eyes,” he said. There was no other part of her that could even compare.

“Why do you love her eyes?”

“I can see everything in them,” he said simply.

“Everything?” Jeannie prompted.

“Everything about her that makes her Inej,” he said. “I can see it in her eyes.”

He took a deep breath, running a hand through his hair. He was fine with lying, but this was starting to feel uncomfortably like the truth. He had only met this girl the week before, for Saint’s sake.

“All the things: her kindness, her patience, her faith. I can see it all there. It’s such a cliche, to talk about the eyes as the window to the soul, but it’s really true for Inej.”

“Good,” Jeannie said. “Inej. Do you think Kaz is beautiful?”

Inej nodded.

“What part of his face do you love the most?”

Inej struggled to form words for a moment. She couldn’t very well say the eyes, not after Kaz had just complimented hers, and he imagined she was trying to pick a part of his face that would be considered believable.

“His lips,” she settled on, finally.

“Why do you love his lips?”

“I’ve learned how to read them,” Inej said. Was that true? “Kaz is so inscrutable, you know? He never lets anything show, but I can always tell his mood by looking at his mouth.”

She ducked her head, as though mustering herself up for a bigger lie.

“I’ve only ever seen him smile a couple of times, you know, but it’s the most dazzling thing in the world.” He was certain that she had not actually seen him smile before, it was a rare event for him, so she was spewing pure bullshit here. “I think that smile was what made me first fall in love with him.”

"Good," Jeannie said. "Kaz, are you attracted to Inej?"

"Yes," he said measuredly. He didn't like where this was going.

"What part of her body do you love the most?"

Shit. What could he say that wouldn't be blatantly inappropriate for a working relationship?

"Her...legs," he settled on, finally. "It's easy to overlook Inej, you know? She's so little that people think she's weak, but I fell in love with how powerful she is. You can see that if you watch the way she moves. She's so strong, so flexible…"

He trailed off. Had that been the wrong thing to say? Neither of the women in the room were saying anything.

"And her hair," he said hurriedly, trying to cover up his first attempt. "The way it catches the light, and…"

He took a deep breath. He was going to have to give something of himself here, if this therapist was going to believe it.

"I struggle with touch," he said, staring at his shoes. "And...and intimacy. But even when a normal touch is too overwhelming, I can still manage her hair.”

The morning after Inej had spent the night at the Slat, Kaz had come down into the kitchen to find her helping Matthias make waffles. The whole crew had piled in, and eaten breakfast together. Bits of flour and waffle batter had found their way into her braid whilst cooking, and when the meal was done and the dishes cleared away, Inej had hopped up onto the counter and began unwinding her braid. He had watched as the hair fell in loose waves around her shoulders, watched as she carefully combed her fingers through the strands to pick out the mess.

Long after everyone else had left the kitchen, he’d remained at the table, entranced by the sight of her fingers playing through her hair.

“I’d like to circle back on that,” Jeannie said. “But we probably won’t get there today. Inej?”

“Yes?”

“Are you attracted to Kaz?”

“Of course,” she said, ducking her head. Kaz almost didn’t believe his eyes, but there appeared to be a slight blush forming on her cheeks.

It’s not like that he chided himself. This whole situation is just sensitive and awkward.

“What part of his body do you love the most?”

She swallowed, but answered without hesitation.

“His arms,” she said. “He’s used them to compensate for a lot, over the years because, well, you know, his leg, so they’re very strong. His hands are so delicate, too. He has such capacity for brute force and such capacity for grace, and I think both of those things are represented in his arms.”

She paused, taking in a deep breath.

“Kaz has his problems with intimacy, and I have mine,” she said. “I don’t have the best past, sexually. I find myself irrationally afraid of men sometimes, especially when they’re physically much stronger than me. I don’t have that with Kaz. Whereas if a different man tried to hold me I might feel trapped, the only thing I feel in his arms is safe.”

It was a masterful performance. Kaz could almost believe that her words were true. That they were crazy messed up kids who had married young and were trying to battle through their demons together, instead of near strangers, who were running this con in pursuit of criminal activity.

“Good.” Jeannie said. “Kaz, look right into Inej’s eyes, please. No need to say anything.”

Kaz did as he was told, making direct eye contact with Inej. The silence stretched and warped between them. He lost track of how long he spent lost in her gaze. It was the most intimate thing he’d ever experienced, and he was starting to feel himself become overwhelmed.

Inej was affected too, he could see, although he couldn’t say why. She had touched on her past a few moments before, and he already knew the broad strokes of it. He didn’t hire people without an extensive background check.

Inej had not existed until she’d entered the Menagerie at fourteen years old. The trace of an accent on her tongue, combined with her lack of past made it likely that she’d been stolen from outside the country. She’d been trafficked out as a prostitute under Helen Van Houden’s thumb, while also rising through the ranks as a valuable spy.

Somehow, she had escaped.

Taking her on for this job had been risky. It meant facing up to Heleen’s wrath if they were discovered, but she was more than enough of a valuable asset to make the risk worth it.

He didn’t know exactly what her history with men was, but any idiot could tell that it was distressing, to say the least. She fidgeted under his gaze. He tried to communicate commiseration, and lack of intrigue to her. He needed her to be comfortable working with him, she was too good to lose. He was already considering offering her a full time job with the Dregs, once this mark had been hit.

She tore her eyes away suddenly, clearing her throat.

“I think I’ll take that tea now,” she said to Jeannie as Kaz tried to collect himself.

***

Kaz sat at his desk, mulling over a few bits and pieces of thought. His mind kept straying back to Inej, though. He’d tried to track down her address, only to discover that she was living on the streets. It wasn’t safe for her there, not with Heleen hunting her, as she surely would be.

It wouldn’t be safe even without the Peacock on her tail. Inej was, as she had said herself, an exceptional talent, but even the exceptionally talented had to sleep. And in her sleep she would be at the mercy of anyone who might happen upon her.

He almost shuddered to think what might befall her at their hands.

The subject of his thoughts appeared in his window only moments later. He’d started leaving it unlocked for her to save time. She was perfectly capable of getting through any lock or security system he might put out there, but was the only one who could. It was easier to just invite her in.

“Yes, Wraith?” he said when she appeared, striving for a casual tone.

“I’ve got the location of that safe you were after,” she said. “I’ve marked it on the plans, but it’s not difficult to find. It’s in the floor, under one of those massive potted ferns by the elevator.

“Good,” he said, taking the plans from her. “Is that all?”

“For tonight,” she said, swallowing a yawn. He allowed himself a moment to really look at her. She was tired, and her eyes were sunken in her face. He couldn’t send her back out onto the streets. He needed her fighting fit for the weeks to come, and she would hardly be at her best if she kept on living with this level of stress and uncertainty.

“I’ve been meaning to talk to you,” he said, not having even decided he was going to. “About moving in here.”

“Why?” she said.

It wasn’t an outright refusal, at least.

“All the crows live here,” he said. “The dregs, rather. It’s easier and safer to stay under one roof.”

“I am not a dreg,” she said, rolling up one sleeve to reveal the peacock’s feather tattoo that was carved into her forearm, rather than the crow and cup.

“For the duration of this job you are,” he said. “Regardless of what mark you bear. There’s a room on the third floor that would suit your needs, I think. It’s small, but it locks from the inside and there’s a window.”

He pleaded silently with her to understand the meaning behind these words. He was not trying to trap her, not trying to bind her to himself. All he wanted was for her to be safe, to be close.

“Okay,” she shrugged. “Why not.”

“Go see Jesper,” he said. “Tell him that you’re moving into Bolliger’s old room and he’ll help you get settled. I’m sure he’ll be delighted.”

She nodded her thanks to him, and then travelled noiselessly across the floor and out into the staircase.

Kaz dropped his head into his hands and let out the long sigh that had been building in him since her appearance in the window.

At least she was safe.

Chapter Text

“It’s obvious to me that you both still love each other a great deal,” Jeannie said the next time they were in her office. “There is obviously both a romantic and sexual attraction still there.”

Inej curled into her corner of the couch, fighting down a blush.

“So I would like you each, in your own words, to tell me what you think the problem here is.”

Neither Inej nor Kaz spoke for a long moment.

“In your own time,” Jeannie said, settling back into her armchair with her mug of tea.

Inej scrambled mentally for a few breaths, trying to come up with something.

“I-” she started to say, but Kaz tried to speak at the same time.

He cleared his throat and ducked his head.

“Go ahead,” he said.

“I know that Kaz loves me,” Inej said. “Intellectually, I know, but he feels so apathetic in our relationship. I need more from him.”

Kaz’s brow furrowed, but he said nothing as Jeannie nodded.

“Good. Kaz, when you’re ready,” she said.

“She wants to leave,” he said finally. “Inej has all these grand plans of travelling the world, and doing great works, but she knows I can never come with her. She knows that I must stay in Ketterdam.”

It was a pretty good lie. At present, Inej had no plans of travel or good deeds, but she did desperately want to make her way out of this saintsforsaken city.

“I would come back!” she lied, to keep up the ruse. “I could travel, and you could stay here, and-”

“You don’t need to defend yourself here, Inej,” Jeannie said. “Let’s table that for now. Kaz, in your own words, tell me what Inej’s biggest problem in your relationship is.”

“She feels like I don’t love her,” Kaz said dismissively. “Which is ridiculous, of course I love her. I love her more than anything else!” He was snappish and defensive. Inej thought, not for the first time, that he was a very good actor. She felt a flash of pity for Jeannie, who they were fooling with their ruse, but then remembered how much Kaz was paying her to counsel them through their fake relationship, and her pity lessened somewhat.

“That’s not actually quite what Inej said,” Jeannie stated, placid as ever. “Why don’t you try again.”

Kaz sucked in a deep breath, his nostrils flaring in irritation.

“She thinks I’m apathetic in our relationship,” he said. “She wants me to change. To force myself to act like some lovesick sop, rather than the man she fell in love with.”

“That’s closer,” Jeannie said, cutting off Inej’s planned protest with a raise of her hand. “But not quite. What does she need from you?”

“She needs to know, to feel, that I love her.” Kaz hung his head. “I don’t know how else I can show her.”

Jeannie nodded in satisfaction.

“Good. Showing your love for each other is something we can certainly work on. Inej, if you would, tell me in your own words what Kaz’s biggest problem with your relationship is.”

“He feels like I’m chomping at the bit to leave him,” Inej said. “But that’s not true! I-”

“Try again,” Jeannie said. “Why doesn’t Kaz want you to leave?”

“Kaz needs to know everything, always,” Inej said, drawing on her experiences of working with him to try and build a believable lie. “Deep down he’s terrified of not knowing and controlling every factor, and he’s afraid that he won’t be able to do that if I go away.”

“Is that it, Kaz?” Jeannie asked. Kaz, sitting on the opposite end of the couch, shook his head in silence.

“One more time then please, Inej,” Jeannie said. “What is Kaz’s biggest problem in your relationship?”

“Kaz is afraid that if I leave Ketterdam without him I’ll find something better out there. Someone better.” Now it was her turn to hang her head. She didn't know where the words came from, but they bubbled up out of her. “He’s afraid that if I leave I won’t come back.”

Jeannie sat back in her chair and smiled.

“Good.”

***

Living at the Slat reminded Inej uncomfortably of living at the Menagerie. It was never quiet. Revelry and merriment echoed in the halls round the clock, and the first floor was often a sea of drunken Dregs.

Additionally, there was an awful lot of people having sex, everywhere. On the benches that lined the front room, in bedrooms, on the stairs, even occasionally in the kitchen. Inej had no problem in consenting adults seeking pleasure from each other’s bodies, but every time she ran into a pair (or occasionally more) of people fornicating, she found herself stuck to the spot for a long second. Suddenly her shoulders were bare and bells tinkled around her ankles. Her hair hung loose around the cheap silks Heleen had dressed her in and her eyes were painted heavy with makeup.

It made her feel sick.

There were a few solaces she found in her first week, though, the first being the other Dregs working this job with her and Kaz. Wylan and Nina were polar opposites, but both adopted Inej quickly into their hearts.

The other was Kaz's office. Most of his crew didn't dare step foot in there unless summoned, and since Inej had no such scruples, it was a haven of peace and quiet.

She was hanging out the window one afternoon, enjoying the feel of raindrops on her face when Kaz spoke suddenly from where he sat at his desk.

"Why aren't you sleeping?" He asked, his voice flat.

"What do you mean?" Inej said, not turning to face him. "I sleep plenty."

That was a lie. What little sleep she did get was disjointed and shot through with nightmares. She had discovered on her first night in the Slat that her bed squeaked in the exact same way her old one at the Menagerie did. It used to be that she would float away while she was working. Would shut her eyes as the client moved over her and leave her body. She had let that squeak in the bed fill her ears, and drown out the sounds that their coupling made. Now that squeak tormented her. She had slept on the bare floor the past week to avoid the sound, and her body ached for it.

"Turn to look at me." Kaz said.

Inej did as she was told. His tone brooked no argument.

"Your eyes are sunken, you looked pale, the dark circles under your eyes look like they were carved on, and you've yawned seven times since you came up here." He listed out. "So you're not sleeping."

She turned back to look out the window again, not saying anything. Kaz was her employer, she didn't need to tell him anything about this. It was far too personal for their working relationship.

"I moved you into the Slat to get you off the streets," he said after a long pause. "Because I need you fighting fit. It seems impossible, but somehow you look worse now than you did then. Tell me how to fix this."

Tell me how to fix you, hung in the air between them, unspoken but explicitly understood.

"I am perfectly capable of holding my own in a fight," Inej murmured, dodging the real question.

Kaz sighed heavily behind her, and she heard the rustle of papers as he turned back to his work.

She was still staring out the window twenty minutes later when she heard him rise from his desks and his uneven footsteps approaching her from across the room. He leaned up on the wall beside the window, turning his head to look down at her.

"Just tell me what I can do to make it better," he said softly, as if he were afraid someone might overhear him offering a kindness. "Whatever it is."

She held his gaze for a long moment, and then returned to her consideration of the crowd roosting outside the window.

"Get the bedframe removed from my room," she said finally. "I'll sleep better with just a mattress on the floor."

"Done." Kaz said, and his mask of indifference slammed back into place. "Now get out of my office, if you would. I need to change."

"It's so quiet up here though," Inej complained, flashing him with her best begging eyes. "Can't I stay? I promise not to look."

"What do I care?" He snapped at her, and crossed to the wardrobe to retrieve a fresh shirt. "I thought you might react badly, is all."

She turned to look the other way as he pulled his shirt over his head.

"I'm not some wilting flower," she said. "I'm perfectly capable of being in the same room as a man changing his clothes."

"And yet you cannot sleep in a bed." He shot back. She didn't think he intended the words cruelly, rather that he was teasing her, but the comment stung nonetheless.

She let herself out of the room without saying another word, allowing the door to fall shut behind her with a heavy click.

Chapter Text

When Kaz and Inej next arrived at Jeannie’s office, studiously pretending to not recognize the receptionist, who was really just Wylan in a bad wig, she met them at the door.

“Lovely to see you two,” she said, but she did not move out of the doorway to allow them to pass. “I’d like to start with just Inej today, if that’s alright. Kaz, will you have a seat out here?”

Not seeing any alternative, Kaz nodded tersely and settled into one of the uncomfortable waiting room chairs.

The door shut behind the two women with a heavy thunk. When the coast was clear, Kaz shot Wylan a quizzical look, and received an exaggerated shrug in return.

It was not long, however, before Jeannie reappeared in the doorway and beckoned him in. Inside the office he found Inej seated cross legged on the floor with a mug of tea in her hands, leaning back against the loveseat where they usually spent their sessions.

Kaz felt out of place. Normally he would have just sat next to her without comment, but he did not want either Jeannie or Inej to see him struggle to sit on the floor with his leg and his cane. It felt wrong to sit alone on the sofa, though, and he looked to Inej for direction.

He got it from Jeannie instead, though.

“A few sessions ago,” she said, crossing to a shelf in the corner and selecting a book from it, “we briefly touched on the issue of barriers to intimacy, which you both confessed to having.”

Kaz nodded, not particularly caring for the direction this was going in.

“And then last week we brought up the idea of learning different ways of showing love for each other.”

Kaz definitely did not care for where this was going.

“Kaz, I’d like for you to sit on the sofa behind Inej, please.”

After a long moment of battling to keep the incredulousness from showing on his face, Kaz did as he was instructed.

Inej shifted forward to allow him room, and then slowly reclined back again when he was settled. Her shoulders were nestled in between his knees, and he could feel the warmth of her body through his trousers legs. He stared down at the top of her head to hide the untimely blush that he could feel rising to his cheeks.

“Good,” Jeannie said. “If you feel comfortable, I’d like you to remove your gloves and undo Inej’s braid.”

Kaz cursed himself. He had told the saints damned therapist that he could always manage handling Inej’s hair, and now came the time to prove it. He didn’t actually know how he would react but he had to do it, for the sake of the job.

It would be fine, Kaz was sure of it.

“I’ll just be sitting here, reading,” Jeannie said, settling into her chair and opening her book to the middle. “You can just pretend I’m not here.”

Kaz breathed in slowly through his nose, and contemplated the head of hair below him. Inej had her braid tucked over one shoulder. He could not see her face, could not study her reaction to the situation. It was just him, and her hair, and the ticking of the clock on the wall.

When Jeannie had turned the page three times he could delay no longer. Quickly, clinically, he shucked his gloves off, admiring the wrongness of the bare sight of them. He barely ever went ungloved, and certainly not in the presence of others. They looked as though they belonged to a different person. They weren’t his hands, they were another’s. He was just watching. And directing.

He drew in a deep breath, and then reached out and caught the braid in its middle. The glossy turns slid over his fingers and his heart stuttered in his chest. These were not another’s hands, they felt too intensely for him to delude himself so. The hair did not feel like flesh in his grip, but it did not feel familiar. He couldn’t remember the last time he had touched someone’s hair. He couldn’t even remember the last time his bare hands had touched something other than fabric.

He allowed the braid to run through his fingers until just the tufted end was pinched in his grip. He carefully untwisted the hair tie that held it closed at the bottom, and handed it over Inej’s shoulder. She was careful not to brush against his skin as she took it from him, and he returned his attention to the hair in his hands. Her hair was so slippery that the bottom sections were already sliding over each other and unraveling on their own. Carefully he drove his thumb into the space between two strands and pulled them apart. The individual strands were incredibly fine, but she had so many of them that they made up a heavy bunch. He gently pulled at the different sections, watching as they slid away from each other with ease.

He was nearing the base of her skull when the last of the braid unraveled, leaving her hair falling in glossy waves over his hands. It was cool in his fingers, still just barely damp. Inej must have showered that morning.

His breath rattled in his chest as he took it in, and he hated to think that Inej and Jeannie could tell how affected by this he was. There was no denying the impact Inej had on him now. He had tried valiantly, but here with her hair loose in his fingers, he felt as though she had him held in the palm of her hand. She could have asked him to abandon his whole empire here in Ketterdam for him in that moment, and he might even have done it.

Gently, he ran his fingers through the length of it, getting snagged occasionally in the bits of it that were already trying to tangle themselves. Inej’s body was tense between his legs, he could feel it. He hated to think that this was making her uncomfortable, especially when it brought him such delight. He strayed down to the ends of her hair, careful not to pull on it. It was the pulling, he thought, that had upset her.

He let the ends of her hair play over his fingers. His original task had simply been to unwind her braid, but that was done now and he could not bring himself to release the silken strands from his grip. He found himself to be unusually attracted to this feature. He had been ever since that first morning in the kitchen, and he had now been granted essentially free access to it.

Kaz Brekker was the richest man in Ketterdam for a variety of reasons, but on this day he was wealthy in a currency far more valuable than gold or cash.

“That’s good, Kaz,” Jeannie spoke, startling him from his reverie. “Let’s try something a little different now. Inej?”

Kaz looked down to find that Inej had turned to face him. Her eyes were full of something, but he could not have said what. Silently, she handed him her hairbrush. It had a green plastic handle and thick boar’s hair bristles.

“Are you sure?” he murmured. Jeannie didn’t need to hear this, this was a conversation only for him and Inej.

She nodded, her eyes flicking down to the carpet and then back up again. She turned her back once more, settling into the cradle of his knees. He had seen how she had reacted earlier when he had pulled at her hair, and did not want to elicit that response again. There would be no way to comb her hair without pulling it at least a little.

But she was sure. He should probably up her pay, she was incredibly devoted to this scheme.

He plucked up a handful of hair and gently ran the brush through the ends of it. The inky black strands of it fanned out across his lap, as he tried to pull them into order. Inej’s knuckles were white on the handle of her mug, he could see them over her shoulder, but her body remained loose and relaxed against him.

He cautiously watched her for signs of discomfort, but aside from her white-knuckled grip on the cup, she appeared unfazed.

He had brushed through all the hanging strands of her hair, but had reached a dilemma. In order to comb through the strands at the nape of her neck, he would need to keep her head from being yanked back too. The simple solution would be to rest a hand on the top of her head to hold it in place, but to do so would be far more similar to touching flesh than anything he had done in years.

Steeling himself, he reached out his hand and rested it on the back of her skull. Her hair was a protective coating over her skin, but he could feel the warmth through it. The bones of her skull were prominent against his fingers, and he ran his hand gently over the slippery curve.

He gripped the hair brush and was just raising it once more when Jeannie’s book shut with a thump.

“That was really good, guys!” She said, her voice seeming too loud for the sacred quiet that had held the room for the past hour. “Good job. Are we still on for next week?”

***

Inej was quiet as they walked from the office building and turned back towards the Slat.

“What did Jeannie want?” Kaz said finally, to break the silence.

“What?”

“At the start of the session, when she saw you alone. What did she want?”

“Oh,” Inej said. She seemed somehow far away. “It was fairly standard domestic abuse prevention. She wanted to make sure I was safe with you, and all that sort of thing. Pointless, really, since all this is fake.”

“Oh,” he said. “You didn’t let anything slip, did you? She doesn’t know the truth?”

Inej rolled her eyes at him patronizingly.

“That’s hardly the first safeguarding I’ve navigated, Kaz,” she said. “I know how to lie convincingly.”

“That’s not…” he trailed off. He was on the back foot here, taken by surprise. Until she had mentioned the ruse, he had almost forgotten that their relationship was nothing more than elaborate pantomime. He had wanted their interaction in the office to be real. Wanted this first victory to be with a girl he…

To be with Inej.

He could tell her. He should tell her. He could feel the words forming in his chest, filling him up and clamoring to get out. They built and built within him, fighting his will for their freedom, until they filled his mouth and his lips parted to speak.

“I’ll need you to trail a man named Oomen tonight,” he said instead. He’ll be leaving the White Lotus around eight.”

Inej nodded her agreement

Chapter Text

“We only have a few moments left here,” Jeannie said, setting her notebook down. “But I just wanted to run over something with you guys.”

Beside Inej, Kaz nodded, guardedly. They had learned to be cautious of the little things Jeannie just “wanted to touch base on” or “check in about” or “clear up”.

“Do you both agree with the statement that Kaz, you struggle most with physical touch, while your problems stem more from sexual intimacy, Inej?”

Inej murmured an assent quietly. Beside her, Kaz nodded once more.

“Okay, good. I think this means that it will make more sense if we work on these barriers separately first, and then during these sessions, which are a safer and supervised environment, we can work as a team to bring you two together.”

This all sounded reasonable to Inej’s ears, but that was the trouble with Jeannie. One moment she sounded like a sane and emotionally intelligent licensed relationship therapist, and the next Inej was trying to suppress the shivers that were racing up her spine at the feel of Kaz’s delicate fingers carding through her hair.

“So I have individual assignments for you both this week.”

A sinking feeling materialized in Inej’s gut.

“Kaz, I think you should look into adopting a pet. Something furry.”

Inej and Kaz traded furtive glances. This was totally out of left field.

“Sorry,” Kaz said, not sounding even remotely apologetic. “What was that?”

“I think you should get a pet.” Jeannie repeated. “There are several benefits. Handling a pet is different than touching a person, but the similarities are enough that I think it will be a good way to desensitize yourself. Most pets will be perfectly happy to be touched, but won’t necessarily take offense if you have to stop suddenly and, well, I noticed that you were able to touch Inej’s skin through her hair, but didn’t attempt direct skin on skin contact. If you get a dog, or a cat, or a…” she spread her hands, clearly casting around for another mammal. “A rabbit, petting them through their fur would be similar to the feeling of touching human hair.”

Inej was a little taken aback. Jeannie’s idea actually seemed to be a good one. Plus, Kaz could use the companionship. She got the feeling that before she’d come to the Slat the only one who ever truly tried to interact with Kaz as a friend was Jesper, and only because he was so stubbornly persistent. Jesper would be all Kaz had left once she moved on, and it couldn’t hurt him to have a second soul to bond with. Jeannie really seemed to be on to something here.

“And Inej, I think you should try masturbating.”

Inej’s head snapped up.

“Pardon?”

“Take some time for yourself and rediscover your own body. Find what feels good, find how to avoid any potential triggers on your own first, and then we can work on incorporating Kaz into the mix.”

She could feel herself blushing furiously, and she hung her head to try and hide it. She suddenly didn’t feel so complimentary of Jeannie.

***

Inej slipped in through the window to Kaz’s office. He was sitting in his desk chair with his back to her, and did not acknowledge her presence, but she could tell by a slight stiffening in his shoulders that he knew she was there.

She crouched in the windowsill for several minutes, basking in the watery winter sunshine, before he set aside his pen and raised his head.

“What business, Wraith?”

“I’ve been following Oomen like you asked,” she said. “Pretty straightforward. He left the White Lotus a little after one and headed to the Kaelish Prince. He took a private meeting there with Pekka Rollins, and then gambled into the early hours of the morning. I followed him back to his apartments, where he cooked himself some eggs, vomited up said eggs, jerked off to some truly disturbing pornography, and then passed out. That was about an hour ago, and I saw no signs that he was planning on waking until after dark this evening.”

“Good.” He turned his chair to face her, his dark gaze capturing her own. “Thank you.”

“Of course,” she said, shaking off the oddness of being thanked by Dirtyhands.

They sat in silence for a few moments, Inej unfurling her legs when they got sore from crouching so that her feet dangled into the room.

“I’m going to visit the shelter today,” he said finally.

“Really?” she hadn’t thought that they were actually going to go through with this week’s homework.

“It’s not the worst idea.” He dropped his eyes to his knees and drew in a deep breath. “I’ve been thinking...lately...that it’s time for me to start working on my touch issues.”

His eyes flitted up to meet hers, and then darted away again.

“It’s a damned vulnerable weak spot. Can’t have my enemies using it against me.”

Inej nodded, not knowing what words were right for the situation.

“Are you telling me you haven’t been working on your own...assignment?” There was almost a playful tone to Kaz’s voice, but shame flooded through her. She had tried. At first, things had gone well. Pleasure like she’d never truly known had raced through her body, from the ends of her hair to the tips of her toes. But she’d grown cocky, stopped disciplining her thoughts, and just like that she was back in her bed in the Menagerie, with a man moving over her.

It had not made for a good night’s sleep, to say the least.

Kaz seemed to recognize he’d fallen into a conversational pitfall, because he remained silent for several long moments. Finally he stood, crossing to the door and pulling on his overcoat and hat which hung on pegs there.

“I’ll see you later, Inej,” he said, nodding to her and ducking out the door. Inej remained seated in the windowsill, staring down into the street below until she saw a figure clad all in black limping down the dreary cobbled lane. Without even deciding she was going to, Inej made a few quick controlled falls, dropping into the street beside Kaz and easily falling into step with him.

He glanced over at her under the brim of his hat, the corner of his lip curling in pleasure. She shot him an almost-smile back, and they continued down the street in silence.

In the end, it was probably the shortest visit the adoption agency had ever seen. Kaz had ignored the indignant workers, walking straight around the desk and through the door marked ‘employees only’. He had pointed to the first animal he saw, a grey lynx point tabby cat with a black tail, and instructed the shelter staff to fetch all the necessary accoutrements for owning a cat. Twenty minutes later, he and Inej were seated on a canal boat once more, heading for the slat. Kaz had the cat’s carrier sat in his lap, and Inej had tucked the bag containing food and toys in between her legs so it wouldn’t be a tripping hazard.

“What will you name him?” she asked, peeking through the bars at the green slit eyes that were all that were visible of the grumpy tabby.

“Pascha.” Kaz said, and did not elaborate.

Chapter Text

Pascha was a nightmare of a cat, the whole Slat agreed. There had even been a petition passed around to force Kaz to get rid of the thing, but he had torn it up the second it crossed his desk.

The thing hated everything and everyone, with only two exceptions.

It tolerated Kaz, as the source of his food and a generally calm companion. Pascha would sit beside him on his desk, twitching the tip of his tail while he watched Kaz work, and would even allow himself to be scratched behind the ears by his new owner. At night, Pascha would pick a warm spot in the bed and curl up next to him, purring softly in his sleep.

He terrorized the other Dregs though. He would saunter down the staircase, tail held jauntily aloft, and wander into any room that had dared to leave it’s door open. He would pee in the balled up clothes they left on the floor, and leave hairballs laying around where unsuspecting bare feet were most likely to land in them.

He liked to go hide in the shower cubicles in the shared bathrooms on the second floor and wait for someone to turn the water on. Then he would act as any respectable cat would do when suddenly doused with water and leap into the air, yowling, claws fully extended. He would latch on to the poor unsuspecting person, claw his way up their body while they cursed and tried to swat him off, and then leap away, sauntering out of the room as if nothing had happened.

When he had had his fill of terrorizing the living quarters, he would head the rest of the way down to the first floor lounge area and see what havoc there was to be wreaked there. First he would find a likely looking group and put on a show for them, flopping onto his side, making eyes, and mewling pitifully. Every trick in the book to get people to let their guards down enough to pet him. The moment a poor soul lay a finger on him he would latch onto their hands, scratching and biting until they finally got themselves free, when he would start the routine all over.

Pascha liked to knock people’s glasses over, walk across their plates of food, and drink out of their water cups. And he shed. All over the place. The Dregs had lint rollers lying around left right and center within a week of his arrival, and still everybody left the Slat absolutely covered in cat hair every day. Kaz, somehow, remained exempt from this particular cat-related misfortune.

Anika, who was allergic to cats on top of all the rest, had started carrying her hammer around with her at all times, palming it menacingly whenever Pascha got too near.

The two of them had reached a wary ceasefire, though the whole house was sure that it was only moments from toppling down.

But if there was one thing in the city that Pascha truly loved, it was Inej. He perked up any time she walked into a room, displaying a talent for detecting her that had previously only belonged to his owner. If she sat down, he would happily climb into her lap, to be petted and praised, and if she remained standing he would twine around her ankles until she bent over to scoop him up.

The two of them spent many happy afternoons perched side by side in Kaz’s windowsill, soaking up what little sunshine there was to be had in Ketterdam, and presumably swapping secrets of the lightreaded trades.

Kaz would never have admitted it, but it brought a smile to his face, to feel the two of them sitting there behind him while he worked, to know that there were now another two beings in the city that he trusted enough to turn his back on.

Yes, he decided when he saw the petition. Pascha would stay.

After all, the benefits far outweighed a little dissent amongst the ranks.

***

He was alone in his office one afternoon, idly petting Pascha with his free hand, which he had degloved for the purpose. He hated to admit it, but on this occasion it appeared Jeannie had been right. The feeling of petting the cat had grown steadily more and more comfortable, and these days he hardly had to think about it.

They had been scheduled to see Jeannie again that afternoon, but Inej had texted to say that she was stuck trailing Oomen, who she thought was on the verge of doing something useful for them, and he didn’t actually need to be in the building at all that week, so he had reached out to her to reschedule.

It was pouring down outside, which had put Pascha in a huffy mood. He liked there to be patches of sunlight in the room for him to curl up in, although sunlight was such a rare occurrence in Ketterdam that Kaz was seriously considering buying him a heat lamp.

He was just considering what to do for dinner, maybe he would wait until Inej got back and then use the pouring rain as an excuse to take her out for hotpot, when a commotion raised from downstairs.

He took a moment considering whether or not to investigate. There was a chance that something big had just happened, but it was infinitely more likely that someone had just won a hand of cards in a particularly contested game.

But then Pascha leaped straight into the air, throwing his hand off, and raced to the door, scratching at it and yowling. Seconds later thundering footsteps pounded up the stairs and Kaz only had just enough time to slide his glove back on before Matthias flew the door open wide, nearly bowling Pascha over.

“Inej,” was all he said, before both boys were racing down the stairs again.

Dregs lined the walls of the room, having cleared a space in the middle for Nina to work. Inej was laid out flat on a table, her shirt torn off of her. A knife was buried in her stomach, and an impossible seeming amount of blood had poured out of her, staining the skin of her stomach and pooling on the table below her.

Kaz pushed through the crowd until he stood over Inej, who was grey and sweating. Her eyes were squeezed tight shut and her hands were curled into fists.

“What happened?” He said, forcing his voice not to tremble.

Inej rolled her head to the side, blinking her eyes open to look up at him.

“Let my guard down,” she said, voice tight with pain. “Oomen led me right to Rollins, but then I stepped on a creaky piece of wood and suddenly I had half a dozen dime lions after me.”

“Who did this to you?” he said. Calm. He must stay calm.

“Oomen, can you believe it?” She said, trying to huff a laugh as though any of this were funny. “The idiot can barely make it out the door each morning but I let him get the slip on me.”

“Heartrender,” Kaz said, looking across the table to where Nina was working frantically. “You are not allowed to let her die.”

“She’s not gonna die, Kaz!” Nina shot back shrilly. “This’ll hurt like a bitch, but it won’t kill her.”

Everything now layed out, Nina took a steadying breath and then gripped the hilt of the knife with both hands. She paused for a second, looking up into the face of her friend, and then turned back to Kaz.

“You need to hold her hand,” she said, speaking as though she were dispensing actual medical advice.

“Just save her already.”

“I’m sorry, who’s the professional here?” Nina snapped. “You may be in charge under normal circumstances, Kaz, but these circumstances are far from normal. If I say hold her hand, then you hold her damn hand!”

He would have to punish her for that, later, the gang couldn’t see him bowing to a subordinate in that way, but it could wait.

For now, he took Inej’s small clammy hand into both of his own, looking up to meet her eyes.

He saw an expression he did not expect there, one he had never seen before: fear.

“You’re going to be fine, Inej,” he murmured quietly, so no one else would hear him. “It’ll be over soon.”

She didn’t even have time to nod before Nina yanked the knife out and her eyes flooded with pain. Kaz almost counted it as a blessing when she passed out, leaving Nina to finish her work in the deathly silence of the crowded room.

“What do we do now?” He asked her when she sat back, pale and reaching for a glass of water.

“Nothing.” Nina said. “She’s fine, like I said. I would wake her up, but I’m already so worn out and it’d be good for her body to rest some. I’ve healed her, but the body doesn’t just forget a huge injury like that. It’s traumatic.”

“So…” he said.

“So nothing,” Nina said. “Someone should probably move her upstairs, and then she’ll likely sleep for a few hours. Someone is going to go out and buy me waffles right now in thanks for saving her life, and you’re paying for them, Bucko.”

He nodded, letting the nickname slide in his preoccupation with Inej. Pascha, who had come downstairs with him headbutted his ankles, staring up at him balefully, and Kaz knew that the cat was thinking the exact same thing as him: there was no way they were letting Inej out of their sight until they knew for sure and certain that she was okay.

He stuffed a couple of kruge in Matthias’s direction, to pay for the waffles with, and then scooped up Inej’s limp body, carrying her from the room without another word.

It took more out of him than he would have liked to admit, to carry her up four flights of stairs, but the only person around to see it was Pascha, so he let himself heave and pant with exertion.

He tucked her into his bed when they finally got there, and Pascha promptly jumped up beside her, curling into a little ball on the pillow. Kaz sat back in his chair, breathing heavily. Jeannie would tell him he needed to examine why Inej’s injury had caused such distress to him, why the thought of her in pain, the thought of her dying was so unbearable, but he didn’t have the mental capacity for that sort of introspection, so he simply stretched out his bad leg and sipped on a half full cup of wine that was left out from the night before, waiting for her to wake.

Chapter Text

Kaz had wanted her to wait longer before this, but any more time for recuperation and they would have to delay the job. And she was getting really bored of living her whole life in Kaz’s little twin bed in the attic room of the Slat. It was a room that lacked stimulation of almost any kind, and it was interminably boring.

Besides, Kaz was going to need his bed back sooner or later.

Which was how she had found herself here, seated on the loveseat in Jeannie’s office with a glowering Kaz by her side.

“So,” said Jeannie. “A lot has happened since we last saw each other.”

Neither of them said anything.

“Inej,” Jeannie said, after letting the silence grow to uncomfortable levels. “Why don’t you tell me what happened?”

“I was stabbed,” she said, shrugging a little. “It was a mugging gone wrong. It wasn’t a big deal.”

“It was a big deal,” Kaz muttered, not looking at her.

“Let’s try not to interrupt, Kaz,” Jeannie scolded gently. “We’ll get to you in a minute. Inej, why do you say that this wasn’t a big deal.”

“Because it wasn’t,” she said, twisting her hands in her lap.

“Most people would say that an injury like a stab wound would be a very big deal. It would be pretty traumatic to them.”

“I’ve had worse,” Inej mumbled.

“Hmm,” Jeannie said, and then let the silence grow again. When Inej didn’t elaborate, she scribbled something in her notebook. “I assume you’re referring to your time in the Menagerie.”

“Yeah,” Inej said. “Maybe the stabbing was a trauma, like you say, but it ranks pretty low on the list of things that have happened to me since I came to this city.”

“You’ve navigated more than your fair share of trauma in your life, I suspect that’s true for the both of you.” Jeannie sat back in her chair and removed her glasses. “But one trauma doesn’t eclipse another. Just because you have experienced wounds and actions in your life that you would deem as worse doesn’t mean that this particular event had a diminished impact. I worry that you sweep every bad thing that happens to you aside, citing a previous harm that was bigger or more impactful. It’s okay for the littler things to have an impact. It’s healthy even, allows you to process them as individual events, rather than letting them build up into something of a frightening magnitude. What do you do, to help you relieve that pressure?”

Inej looked down into her lap, ashamed that the answer to Jeannie’s question was a simple ‘nothing’.

“We’ll come back to that,” Jeannie said, sliding her glasses back on.

“Kaz, tell me what happened from your perspective.”

“I was in my office,” Kaz said, clearing his throat. “We live with a bunch of...friends. One of them came up and told me that Inej had been hurt. I came down to find her on the table. I- I held her hand, while Nina worked on her.”

“You didn’t call for an ambulance?” Jeannie asked.

“Nina’s a heartrender, and nurse,” Kaz explained. “She said it wouldn’t be necessary.”

“Mm-hmm,” Jeannie said. “And then what happened?”

“Inej passed out from the pain,” Kaz said. “Nina finished working on her and I carried her up to my-, er, our bedroom.”

“And how did watching all that make you feel?”

“I was...worried, I guess.”

“You guess?” Jeannie said, tilting her head.

“Well, no, of course I was worried,” Kaz said.

“Is that all you felt? Worry?”

The silence built once more.

“It’s okay,” Jeannie said eventually. “You can say anything in here, even if it sounds wrong, or silly, or -”

“I was terrified,” Kaz said, cutting her off. “And angry. So angry, I wanted to hunt down the man that had done that to her and rip him to pieces.”

“Good,” Jeannie said. Inej tried to catch Kaz’s eye, but he wouldn’t look at her. Every day it was becoming harder and harder for her to distinguish what was ruse and what was real. “Inej, did you know that Kaz felt that way?”

“No,” she said quietly. “I knew he was worried, but I had no idea…” she trailed off, gesturing meaninglessly around with her hands, trying to express how at a loss for words she was.

“Okay,” Jeannie said. “That was really good, both of you. I want you to start working on sharing your emotions with each other, even if you think they’re totally obvious, because clearly something is getting lost in translation between the two of you.”

They both nodded, still not looking at each other.

“Wonderful,” said Jeannie, with a smile. “Let’s talk about some of the good things that have happened in the last two weeks.”

The silence built and built, and this time Jeannie did not step in to alleviate it.

“I got a cat,” Kaz said finally.

***

Kaz walked her back to the Slat, but left her on the doorstep.

“I have business I need to attend to,” he said, not meeting her eyes. “I might be out late.”

“Do you need an extra set of hands?” she asked, itching for something to do. “I could come along and help.”

“No,” he said shortly, and turned to walk away, his free hand shoved in his pocket.

A spiteful part of her considered taking to the rooftops and following him, but he would know. He always knew when she was there. Plus, why would she force her company on him when he so clearly didn’t want it.

With a sigh, she turned and made her way inside.

She joined Jesper and Nina at the center table, now scrubbed clean of her blood, and passed a few hours chatting with them about nothing in particular. She joined Matthias in the kitchen and cooked up a giant pot of peppers and sausage and polenta for the roomful of hungry criminals, and then helped with the dishes too.

Dark had fallen several hours ago by the time she made her way up to her cramped shoebox of a bedroom. She had changed into her pajamas and unbound her braid when she heard a familiar unsteady tread making its way up the stairs past her room, and then the slam of the door upstairs.

Without even deciding that she was going to do it, she had slipped barefoot from her room and was tiptoeing up to the attic.

She had spent almost a full week trapped in this room recovering, yet it still took her a moment to build up enough courage to reach out and turn the doorknob.

Kaz stood at the sink in the corner of his room, shirtless and gloveless, and was spongeing what seemed like an improbable amount of blood from his skin.

“You can relax, Wraith,” he said after she stood there unsteadily for several minutes. “None of it is mine.”

She crossed to stand behind him, looking over his shoulder to meet his eyes in the mirror.

“What happened?” she asked, almost afraid to know the answer.

“Oomen.”

“He attacked you?” She said, hating the current of fear that pierced through her voice.

“Rather the other way around,” he said with a smirk, but then his face fell serious once more. “He hurt you, Inej. He couldn’t be allowed to get away with that.”

There was a lot she could have said to that, a lot she should have said, but she reached for the wet rag instead.

“Give me that,” she said, and he deposited it into her hand, gazing consideringly at her in the cracked mirror’s reflection.

She wiped gently across the back of his shoulders, working in broad strokes. It was peaceful in the attic, still but for the two of them, and she took her time tracing the rag over the muscles in his back.

She hesitated for a moment when the last smears of blood had been wiped away.

He did not thank her, and she did not hand the rag back. Instead, slowly, she tilted her head forward until her forehead made contact with the middle of his back.

He tensed, but did not push her off, so she relaxed into him and, slowly, he did too.

And so they stood there, alone in the darkness, joined by a single point of contact.

Chapter Text

“We’ve been doing really well,” Kaz said, forcing out a smile. “I think our communication is much better than it was at the onset of all this, and we’ve met our therapy goals. We’ve decided that we’re ready to stop coming.”

“Thank you for all you’ve done,” Inej jumped in. “It’s made all the difference for us.”

Jeannie set her notebook down and folded her hands in her lap, staring at them consideringly.

“Can you give me a concrete example of how things have improved for the two of you?”

Inej glanced at him, clearly casting around for an answer, so Kaz jumped in before the ruse became obvious.

“Inej touched me last week. Skin to skin,” he had to keep himself from blushing at the memory. “For several minutes. And both of us stayed in the moment, neither of us panicked.”

“That’s really good,” Jeannie said. “That’s incredible progress, but -”

“It is incredible progress,” Kaz cut in. “Which is why we’ve decided that we can now continue without you.”

“Do you share this opinion, Inej?”

Inej snuck a look at him once more, and then nodded at Jeannie.

“Alright then, if you’re both sure.”

Kaz nodded and reached for his cane, readying himself to leave, but Jeannie held up a hand.

“Just a moment,” she said. “We still have the rest of our session together. I typically conduct an exit interview of sorts with all of my clients. We can use our remaining time for that, and then you won’t have to come back some other time.”

Kaz only barely managed to avoid rolling his eyes. He knew they should have simply stopped showing up for sessions, but she would have charged him for at least a couple of missed appointments, if not more, though, and it had seemed right to complete this particularly bizarre chapter of his life, to finish it off neatly.

The job was done now, completed successfully. The secret safe in the floor of the top story of the building was emptied, papers incriminating Pekka Rollins and Jan Van Eck in various illegal business transactions had ended up on the desks of several members of the Merchant Council, as well as publicly displayed in the Exchange. Even as they sat here in this comfortable office, investigatory teams from the stadwatch were clearing the top floor, hauling out boxes of papers and computer hard drives.

It left Kaz with the smug warmth of satisfaction.

Although one question still persisted, refusing to dismiss itself.

How did he make sure Inej stayed with him?

With the Dregs, rather.

He had considered simply offering her induction into the gang, but he had no way to ensure that she would take him up on it.

He didn’t want her to leave him, he didn’t want to spend every moment of every day wondering if she was okay, where she was or what she was doing.

He didn’t want her to go back to sleeping on the streets, didn’t want to think what would happen to her there.

He knew from his own experiences with it how absolutely miserable it was. Knew that the life expectancy was only seven years from the moment you became homeless. Knew that sooner or later she would freeze or starve or be attacked in her sleep.

He had compensated her far more generously for this job than they had originally agreed upon, enough for her to put down a deposit and a few months rent on an apartment, but what would she do after that?

No, he wanted her to stay right where she was, where he knew she was safe.

“I typically start by speaking with you one on one,” she said. “Inej, would you mind stepping out into the waiting room? I could have my secretary make you a cup of tea.”

“Of course,” Inej said, and then she was gone and Kaz was alone on the sofa.

“So, Kaz,” Jeannie said, closing the door behind her and coming back to sit across from him. “You feel as though you’ve made all the progress that you wanted to in your marriage.”

“Obviously we’ll keep making progress,” he said. “I hardly want our relationship to become stagnant, but we’ve agreed that we’re in a place where he can continue to progress on our own, without additional help.”

“And you feel this way because the two of you successfully touched, skin to skin, for several moments without issue.”

“That’s not the only factor, of course,” he said hurriedly. “But it represented a large milestone for us, and was an indicator that we were ready to move forward together.”

“Of course,” she said with a tight smile. “Remind me, you two have been married for four years now?”

“Five years,” he corrected with a slight grimace. They had come up with the number back when this had all started. It meant that they would have had to be married when she was seventeen and he was nineteen, which had felt preposterous at the time, but they had worried that a shorter marriage wouldn’t lend enough credence to their story for the therapist.

“Five years,” Jeannie said. “That’s quite an accomplishment, congratulations.”

“Yes, well -” Kaz started say, but she cut him off.

“Do you take me for a fool, Kaz? Do you think I’m an idiot?”

“I’m not quite sure what you -”

“I know that yours and Inej’s marriage isn’t real.” Jeannie said, and a cold feeling settled in the pit of his stomach. “I know what the purpose of this whole ruse has been.”

Kaz really didn’t want to have to kill Jeannie, but he suddenly worried that he may not have any other choice. If she knew what they had done then she could turn them into the Guild, the case against Rollins and Van Eck would fall apart, and Inej would be held liable for the scheme he had dragged her into.

“I don’t know what you think you know,” he said. “But I would advise you to forget the matter entirely.”

“I won’t turn you in,” she said. “I know how Heleen sources her indentures, and it’s entirely immoral. I won’t penalize Inej for something that was never her fault in the first place.”

Relief washed through him, confusion quick on its heels. What was she talking about?

“Marrying her for citizenship was a noble thing to do, Kaz,” she said. “It’s obvious you care about her. But now that she’s been here long enough legally to establish residency you’re planning to divorce. I know that you’ve only been seeing me to lend credence to your marriage should its legitimacy be called into question, but I want to say that I’m truly honored to have worked with the two of you.”

“Thank you,” he said automatically, struggling to keep up with the conversation, a feeling he hadn’t experienced in years.

“But the care the two of you hold for each other is obvious to me,” she continued. “I have seen loving marriages built out of far less. You could divorce, and Inej could apply for citizenship, and I would perjure myself for her in court if asked, tell them all that I believed your relationship to be real the whole time I worked with you, but doesn’t that seem a little unnecessarily complicated to you?”

“What would the alternative be?” he scoffed, playing back the past sessions in his head, trying to determine how they had arrived here.

“Stay married,” she said with a shrug. “You’re not as subtle a man as you believe yourself to be, Kaz. Any idiot could see how much you love her, I don’t need a doctorate in intimate relationship therapy to know that.”

“It’s not that simple.” he growled, skipping straight over the things he would rather not acknowledge.

“It could be,” she said. “I wouldn’t be pushing this if I didn’t legitimately believe it was the best move for you both, not only for the relationship but for each of you as individuals.”

She considered him for a long moment, but he remained silent.

“Those scars on your face,” she said. “Pox scars?”

He nodded slowly, puzzling at the about face in topic.

“My youngest daughter died of the queen’s lady plague,” she said. “Fourteen years ago now.”

She grabbed a framed photo off the shelf behind her, holding it up for him to see.

“That’s her. She was nine years old.” she sighed, gazing down at the photo and then setting it back on the shelf. “Inej reminds me a bit of her, sometimes. In her body language, particularly.”

“I’m sorry for your loss,” Kaz rasped, memories of Jordie rising unbidden to the front of his mind.

“I don’t mean to speculate on the origins of your trauma around touch,” she said. “Stop me if I’m way off base here, but I remember the way bodies lined the streets. I remember the crowds of afflicted people collapsing on the steps of the hospital. I remember the pile of living people there, heaving and crying out for help that never came. I remember that they left those who died in the crush where they fell, waiting until the crowd dispersed or died off enough that they could move in and collect the bodies. I can only imagine how it must have felt to be one of those people, especially for someone as young and innocent as you must have been then.”

It was close enough to the truth, although not spot on. His hell had been in a pile of dead on the reaper’s barge, rather than the hospital steps, but her words summoned the feeling of lying there, bloated corpses pressing in on him from all sides.

“Kaz,” she said softly, drawing him out of the vision a little. “You have lived with this for far too long. It is time to let someone help you. Let me help you recover from this trauma. Let Inej.”

“That’s not Inej’s responsibility,” he croaked, his throat bone dry.

“No it isn’t,” Jeannie said. “But I’m willing to bet it’s something she wants to do anyway.”

And he had nothing to say to that.

“Kaz, touching Inej was a huge success, I really can’t stress that enough, but don’t you want more?” she leaned forward in her chair, resting her elbows on her knees. “Don’t you want to hold her? To kiss her? Kaz. Don’t you want to have sex with your wife?”

“I don’t even know if she wants any of those things,” he said, refusing to meet Jeannie’s eyes. “We haven’t discussed it.”

“Tell you what,” she said. “I’m about to meet individually with Inej, and then I was going to round out the session with both of you together again. I won’t tell her about a thing you’ve said in here, I promise. But I will ask her the same questions as I’ve asked you. If she says no, then I won’t mention it again, we’ll finish the session with something vague and nonspecific, and that will be that.
“But, if she says yes, then we can have a chat about that, all three of us, and we can come up with a plan for moving forwards. Does that sound good?”

Kaz swallowed heavily. What she was offering sounded like a fairy story. A mirage of hope that likely hid some venomous betrayal behind it. But he wanted to do it anyway. The merest chance of having this with Inej, of turning this farce into a reality, was worth risking it all for.

He nodded.

Chapter Text

Jeannie honestly struggled with her job most days.

She loved helping people, she loved love, but most of the time it felt like all she ever did was help couples transition through a divorce more gracefully.

Which is why she truly loved her success stories.

And why she was so honored to receive an invitation to Kaz Brekker and Inej Ghafa’s vow renewal. It was marketed as a wedding, of course, and she was proud of them for taking this step.

They had graduated from her services a little over a year ago, although she had referred them both on to individual specialists to continue conquering their own, rather unique, struggles.

She put on one of her best summer dresses, wrapped a shawl around her shoulders, and collected her gift for the happy couple before heading to the chapel listed on the invitation.

The guest list was an interesting mix of what appeared to be proud denizens of the Barrel and finely attired Suli families, who mixed together surprisingly well. Children ran underfoot, screaming with laughter and gleefully learning to pick pockets from benevolent thieves. A Kerch fiddler was playing on the lawn outside the church, and an elderly Suli couple was dancing before them. And a Zemeni man with pistols on his hips was surrounded by a crowd of matronly women, who all appeared to be despairing over how skinny he was and pushing plates of food on him.

Inej’s entire caravan must have made the journey to attend her wedding, Jeannie realized with no small amount of fondness. She knew how Inej had worried that they wouldn’t accept her after all that had been done to her, and had delayed reaching out to them after regaining her freedom for that reason. It was good to see that her fears had been unfounded.

She placed her gift, a new waffle iron, on the table where other presents were already stacking up, and headed into the chapel.

She was surprised to find that there were no pews inside, rather low benches lining the walls leaving a large space empty in the middle of the room.

She found a seat and did not have to wait long before the room was crammed full. A colorful collection of characters filled every bench, with children and those too late to snag a seat sat cross legged on the floor. She felt distinctly out of place in her pastel summer dress compared to the rich array of colors and jewels that surrounded her from both the caravan dwellers and the Barrel rats.

The doors opened, spilling light into the dim room, and Kaz appeared, leaning heavily on his cane. He walked briskly through the empty space in the middle of the room until he met the priest at the front, turning to watch as Inej appeared in the doorway.

She looked like a vision, in a white dress made of floral lace with shining gold embellishments at the hem, waist, and wrists. She wore a dupatta-style veil decorated with tiny golden flowers that fell all the way to the floor. She clutched a bouquet of wildflowers in her hands, and was flanked on either side by who could only be her parents.

She processed much more slowly through the room, stopping to greet relatives and smile at the awestruck children. Her parents both hugged her tight in front of the church, kissing her cheeks, before going to join the rest of the congregation.

The ceremony was fairly short and straightforward, though Jeannie was proud to see that when the priest indicated Kaz should kiss his bride, he paused to remove his gloves, setting them aside before clasping her face in between his bare hands and kissing her soundly to raucous applause from the onlookers.

There was a quick exchange of rings, and then the couple turned to face the crowd, hands clasped tight together.

They were really going all out for a vow renewal, although Jeannie supposed that they likely hadn’t had much more than a civil ceremony the first time around. It was good, she thought, that they were doing this. It was what they both deserved.

The reception quickly got underway, in the same room as the ceremony. Trestle tables were quickly set up and loaded with so much food that she worried for their structural integrity and a group of musicians with pipes, drums, and fiddles took up in one corner.

The wedded couple got lost in the crowd for a bit, but Jeannie steadily made her way over to them, wanting to congratulate them now in case she didn’t get another chance.

Inej embraced her when she finally made it to the front of the queue, and Kaz even shook her hand, although his gloves were firmly back in place.

She left the crush to get some lemonade from the refreshments table, only to find herself standing face to face with her old assistant.

“Wylan!” She said in shock, and watched as the boy turned rather startlingly pale.

“Oh, Jeannie,” he said in a strangled tone of voice. He had rather fallen off the face of the earth a few years ago, after abruptly turning in his two weeks notice. She had been sad to see him go, he was a very dedicated assistant.

“Didn’t you used to be blond?” She asked, eyeing his ruddy ginger locks. “Are you a natural redhead?”

“Oh, yes, er - actually, Jesper is calling me,” he said, turning and heading determinedly towards the pistol-bearing Zemeni boy from earlier, who was definitely not summoning him.

Jeannie shrugged to herself and went to go check out the food table. It was loaded with all sorts of dishes she didn’t recognize, but she took a little of everything and enjoyed it, for the most part, all though it was much spicier than her typical fare.

There was dancing, and music, and Jeannie was just thinking that it was perhaps time to turn in when calls for quiet came and a bench was dragged to the middle of the room, upon which the newlyweds were instructed to sit.

Inej’s mother began singing, a soft crooning song, and stepped up behind her. She pulled the pins from her daughter’s hair that held her dupatta in place, and then gently began unraveling her daughter’s braid. Eventually, some of the other women from the caravan took up the tune, as Inej’s mother was having an increasingly hard time singing through her tears. Jeannie could not tell from where she stood if they were tears of joy or sorrow, although her experiences with mothers at weddings led her to believe it was probably both.

When Inej’s hair hung loose and free around her shoulders, her mother folded the dupatta and passed it to another woman, receiving a rich purple scarf in return. She carefully tied it around her daughter’s head, holding back her hair, and kissed the top of her head when it was done.

Inej’s father appeared then, holding a hunk of bread. Inej reached out and accepted the bread in her beautifully decorated hands, holding it before her. The Zemeni man, Jesper, stepped forward with what looked like a salt cellar, which he passed to Kaz.

Kaz took it, gently sprinkling the bread in his wife’s hands with salt, and then she tore it in half with a smile. Jeannie watched with satisfaction as the two of them fed each other bites of the bread.

And then, without warning, a booming voice rang out.

“Oh, what a tragedy it is to lose this treasured daughter of our caravan!” One of the Suli men cried. There was a long and rather awkward silence in response to this.

“We shall weep without her and our caravan will surely diminish in her absence!” Another shouted eventually, still receiving no response.

There were a few awkward minutes while Inej’s caravan half-heartedly bemoaned her loss until finally one of Inej’s many uncles cleared his throat and grabbed Jesper by the arm, hissing furiously into his ear. Jesper listened and nodded along for a few minutes and then threw his arms wide, turning to the room with his face covered in anguish.

“Oh, what a high price we have paid for this bride!” He lamented. “Our coffers shall surely suffer!” This statement was met by some confused looks among the Kerch present, who had not heard anything about a dowry.

“It is not half of what she is worth to us!” A Suli man shot back, only to have this refuted once more by Jesper. The rest of the Kerch attendees picked up on the act quickly enough, loudly arguing back and forth with the Suli caravan about the price of a bride.

Finally, a girl wearing an astoundingly low cut dress that hugged her generous figure leaped up on top of a bench and shouted for silence.

“How can we say that we have faced a loss?” She shouted to the room at large. “There is no price to be put upon this bride! Look at her! She is unparalleled in beauty and skill, and shall surely be a boon to us all! It was a good price, a worthy price! We have truly paid a bargain for her!”

This was met with much cheering from both sides, a general downing of kvas, and the shattering of glasses as everyone threw them to the floor with a cheer.

Watching Inej giggle into Kaz’s shoulder at this, Jeannie decided that her work with this couple was done, and left before the festivities picked up again.

It was cold for a summer night as she made her way to her bus stop, and she wrapped her shawl around her, feeling proud of all she had accomplished with these two.

***

Inej giggled a little as she and Kaz raced to their bedroom on the top floor of the Slat, escaping the raucous jeering of the rest of the Dregs below.

She couldn’t remember ever feeling so happy as she had that day, not even when she had first seen her parents again. She had both her families surrounding her, and Kaz waiting for her at the end of the aisle. She had finally gotten the Suli wedding she’d dreamed of as a little girl, and proof that Heleen and her clients hadn’t been able to take everything from her in the end.

Kaz was a little tipsy, as was she, although he had been very good at hiding it amongst their friends. He wrapped his arms around her from behind, burying his nose in her neck, and she giggled again at the tickling sensation.

“Are you happy, darling?” He murmured, pressing kisses into the delicate skin there.

“I’m so happy,” she responded. “Are you?”

“As a matter of fact, wife“ he said, spinning her around in his hold. “I am practically delirious with joy.”

And then his lips were on hers, and she lost track of the thread of the conversation.

He was a very, very good kisser, she had been delighted to learn, which had been something of a surprise since she knew he had never even kissed anybody else before her.

She let him kiss her for a few minutes, allowing herself to become thoroughly undone, but then pulled away to get at his buttons, pulling them apart eagerly.

He helped her with her task by pulling his tie open and shucking off his gloves, and then they were kissing again, her dress the only thing dividing her from his bare chest.

And then his hands were on her thighs, pulling her up, and he was hauling her into his arms, spinning her around, and perching her on the edge of his desk.

She reached around herself, pulling desperately at the few buttons she could reach, but was distracted from this task by the devilish gleam in his eyes as he fell to his knees and the wicked smirk on his face as he hiked her skirt up, ducking below it with glee.

She leaned back with a soft sigh as she felt his bare hands upon her bare thighs, a sensation that was still relatively new to her, and then he was yanking her stockings away, no doubt ripping them in the process. He similarly got her out of her panties too, and then she was bare below the heavy skirt, a condition he took full advantage of.

She leaned even farther back on her hands, panting a little, as he pressed open-mouthed kisses and gentle nips to the insides of her thighs, becoming increasingly wet as he teased her.

Normally, she would have grabbed his hair just about then, guiding his head where she wanted it, but the damned skirt of her damn wedding dress was in the way, and she just had to sit there, writhing and whining, until he had satisfied himself with teasing and descended upon her vulva with enthusiasm.

It was well worth the wait, she decided semi-coherently, as the hot slick warmth of his mouth covered her, his tongue probing and insistent, licking strong broad strokes across her folds.

She whimpered above him, trying to hold still as he played her like a master at an instrument, his fingers joining in, sliding into her drenched hole as he lapped happily at her clit.

It wasn’t dignified, she thought briefly, to be so undone so quickly. It would inflate his already engorged ego.

But she quickly decided that she did not care, so long as he kept on doing what he was doing so well.

Her hips bucked involuntarily against his face and she heard him chuckle below her skirts, felt the huff of warm breath across her wet skin. She was becoming increasingly close to orgasm, she could feel it building, waiting to crash over her, and her breath came as harsh gasps in her throat.

She moaned as he became twice as insistent, trying to ride against him as he licked and licked and licked, his tongue proving to be just as clever as his fingers.

It wasn’t much longer before she was crying out, her orgasm slamming into her with the force of a freight train. She positively writhed against him, her head thrown back in pleasure as she came down from it, her vaginal muscles clenching rhythmically.

Kaz appeared back out from under her skirt, hair disheveled and wearing a self-satisfied smirk. His face was shining with her slickness, and he wiped it away with the back of his hand, grinning up at her.

“Help get me out of this thing,” she said, although her threatening tone was embarrassingly breathy given her recent orgasm. “And then I’m going to pay you back for that.”

“How could I refuse an offer like that?” He said, pulling himself to his feet as she hopped off the desk and turning her so he could get to her buttons. It wasn’t too much effort to get her out of the dress, and then he slid the straps of her slip off her shoulders, letting it slide off her body to pool on the ground around her feet.

He started kissing down the back of her neck again, paying special attention to each knob of her vertebrae, but she didn’t let him get away with it for long, turning to face him and practically dragging him to the bed.

He pressed her back into it, crawling over her, and then his lips were on hers and she wound her legs around his hips, stomach growing light with anticipation for what was to come.

He pulled back, frantically fumbling with his belt, and then shoving his trousers down to the tops of his thighs.

And then he was leaning back over her, his hands braced on either side of her, and he was shoving into her in one smooth motion. She gasped, throwing her head back and wrapping her arms around his waist, pulling him even closer.

He was slow, and rhythmic, stroking gently in and out of her which was…lovely, but she soon grew bored with it.

“Come here,” she muttered, grabbing his shoulders and rolling so he was under her. She grabbed his cock in her fist, positioning it below her, and then sank down onto him, sighing in pleasure at the way it filled her so perfectly.

The intensity of his gaze upon her was overwhelming as she began to bounce upon his cock, slamming her hips down onto him over and over and over again.

She was sure they made a ridiculous spectacle, Kaz flat on his back below her, still wearing his shoes and socks and trousers, and Inej riding him furiously, bare but for her headscarf.

She kind of liked it that way, though. Her mother had tied the scarf into her hair as a sign that she was a married woman now. Back home in Ravka, she would have worn the scarf every day for the rest of her life, and while she wasn’t planning on doing so here, it felt right that she should wear it, the first time she and Kaz fucked as husband and wife.

“Kaz,” she gritted out finally. “Touch me.”

It was needy, and demanding, but it got the point across and his hands were suddenly everywhere, dancing across her bare skin.

She threw her head back, squeezing her eyes shut and letting pleasure course through her. Kaz squeezed one of her breasts, flicking at her nipple, at the same time as his other hand returned to her clit, rubbing gently and causing her to whine at the sensation.

And then he was flipping them back over, her hair splaying out around her on the mattress as he pounded into her, once, twice, three times before spilling within her. His lips descended onto hers again as he pulled out, his fingers playing over her clit still, rubbing littles circles into it until she was arching and twisting below him, crying out as her second orgasm of the night raced through her, lighting her up from the ends of her hair to the tips of her toes.

She lay there for a few moments, breathing in tandem with her husband, his bare chest pressed to hers, stomach to stomach with her breasts flattened against the hard muscles of his torso. She reveled at the luxurious intimacy of skin to skin contact for some time, until she started to feel a little crushed by his weight atop her, at which point they rearranged themselves into a comfortable, if sweaty, pile of limbs.

“Marriage was a good idea,” Kaz murmured, taking her hand into his to inspect the sight of the ring upon it. He wore a simple silver band himself, but had gifted her a beautiful ring with pieces of coral set into it, and she had not yet grown used to the weight of it on her hand.

“Yes, well,” she replied sleepily. “You always were a genius.”