Chapter Text
Kei had always prided himself on being a pretty rational person. He doesn't seem to have an impulsive bone in his body, rarely ever feeling the need for impulsivity or stimulation outside of his usual routine. Kei would wake up, go to school, hang out with his friends, go to practice, go home, do his homework, and go to sleep. Not leaving much room for anything less.. He has a tight schedule which he rarely strays from and certain rules he knows he has to follow.
‘Stay in line and you won’t lose your place,’ Kei’s mother had always told him as a child. Of course, she spoke those words as they stood together in line at the grocery store when Kei’s small brain was too anxious to wait in line. Those strings of syllables have stuck with Kei most of his life, simply because they ring true to his set of morals he’s set for himself.
Stay where you belong and the rest will come easy. Keep yourself in check. Pick a path which you are comfortable with and stay there. Don’t stray or falter.
Again, Kei had always prided himself on being a pretty rational person. A rule follower. But as it turns out, maybe he wasn’t as rational or clear-headed as he previously had thought.
As a flustered Yamaguchi sat in front of him in the darkness of his room, the freckled boys eyes seemed to light up the rest of his face while Kei’s eyes slowly adjusted into night vision, all rationality and reason seemed to quickly slip his mind as he took his best friend's face in his hands and crashed their lips together.
Replacing all logic and sensibility with a hungry need for more. More. More. More.
Maybe Kei was wrong about himself after all.
He hadn't always been wrong about himself though, this was a fact that most everyone knew. Whether it was Kageyama and Hinata, the first and second years on the volleyball team, Kei’s mother and brother, or really anyone who came into contact with the boy. Everyone knew that Tsukishima Kei was not adventurous and didn't stray from what he knew he could achieve, he never took risks. Despite his tongue that often got away from him, or his condescending tone that often rubbed people the wrong way, he had always minded his own business and stayed in his lane. Just as he was taught as a child.
As their third year of high school seemed to fly by, Kei and his friends all found themselves dreaming of the future. Kageyama found himself being drawn to a more professional career, wanting to play against the most talented players and earn his spot as one of the best. Hinata was more drawn to traveling, wanting to travel all over the world and play volleyball with people from all different walks of life. The two of them have always been the most motivated in the group, always treating life like a competition.
This fact was proven when the two idiots finally started dating the previous year. After a long excruciating year and a half of back and forth between them, they finally decided to grow some balls and ask each other out. Quickly, their relationship formed into a competition of ‘Who can be the better boyfriend?.’. It was amusing at first, watching the two boys buy each other gifts and show their affection, constantly trying to one-up the other, all while fawning over each other in the process. It got old quickly though, and finally Kei, being the only one on the team with a brain, convinced their senpais to talk some sense into the two of them. Almost a year later, their relationship still depends on competition, as the entirety of their relationship always had, but now less severe and more loving.
Kei and Yamaguchi , on the other hand, had no idea what they wanted their future to look like. For three years, the two of them always danced around the topic . They were both terrified of losing the other if they got accepted into different schools and started to lead different lives.
“I’m not sure!” Yamaguchi would answer when someone asked him what the future held.
“Undecided,” Kei would deadpan whenever anyone asked him what college he was attending.
The future seemed so far away. But, as it dug its sharp claws into Kei’s back and pulled him towards the unknown, only one thing stayed on Kei's mind. Yamaguchi . All he wanted was to keep the boy he loved so much close to him for as long as possible.
The thought alone scared Kei. Throwing an iron wrench into his lifelong goal to lead a life that was planned, and secure. Suddenly, as the future crept closer, Kei became terrified.
When he looked at Yamaguchi, his mind became fuzzy. Rationality and security became clouded by love and lust toward the boy which he had spent almost half of his life. When Yamaguchi smiled and the apples of his cheeks rose to connect his chestnut freckles with his equally dark eyes, Kei’s heart would leap into his throat. Or when Kei’s lifelong nickname, he had heard millions of times, before rolled off Yamaguchi's tongue, it sparked something in him he didn't know was waiting to be lit.
It was shocking and disorienting. He looked at his whole life differently. Kei thought back to his childhood, and the memories he held so close to his heart and wondered if those were coated with a sweet and thick sugar casing of love towards his best friend. Had Kei always felt these feelings for Yamaguchi? Was he just never able to find the words to describe it until now? It was all too much to handle all at once.
For a few days after his realization, Kei avoided Yamaguchi and confronting his feelings, as much as he could. The impending future already was too much for Kei to handle, he never liked change, and these new feelings struck a chord.
Avoiding Yamaguchi was a difficult task, seeing that the two of them spent almost every waking moment together since they were 10 years old. Avoidance, when it comes to Kei and Yamaguchi, just meant not replying as much when Yamaguchi talked, barely making eye contact, and keeping physical touch to a minimum. Kei made sure to keep himself in check, not wanting this crush to ruin the friendship the two of them had. Yamaguchi noticed this shift in behavior almost instantly, which wasn't unexpected. He’d always been more in tune with emotions, but knew not to poke or prod at the fragile beast that was Kei’s repressed feelings.
It worked for about three days. Only stopping because Yamaguchi was feeling a little extra courageous that day, being fed up with Kei’s strange demeanor, he finally snapped.
The last straw that broke the camel's back seemed to be the comment Kei had made just now when Yamaguchi asked for help on a math equation.
“ If you studied harder you wouldn't need my help .” Kei had replied.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” Yamaguchi asked, looking up from his homework stationed on his bed below him.
“Excuse me?” Kei asked, turning around in Yamaguchi’s desk chair to look at the other boy sitting on his small twin bed. The only light in the room was Yamaguchi’s old soccer lamp he had always had since they were kids. It’s lost its light over the years, not shining as bright as it once did.
“Why are you on one recently?” Yamaguchi asked, the bed creaked under him as he shifted his weight to sit up. “Did I do something to piss you off? Because you have been rude to me all week long, not letting me touch you or get too close to you. You've been wearing your headphones around me, which you never do, and ignoring me when I talk.” He spoke angrily, his brow furrowing causing his eyes to droop down in a way that made Kei’s stomach bubble. He looked away.
Yamaguchi rarely got angry, but when he did it was a unsettling expression to see on the boy's face.
“It’s barely been a week,” Kei replied, playing with a loose string that hung from his jacket draped over the back of the chair.
“Like that,” Yamaguchi emphasized, his angry tone now turning concerned. “If I did something wrong just tell me, Tsukki.” The nickname shot out at Kei and hit him in the chest, severing a major artery. “You know if something is bothering you, you can always tell me.” Yamaguchi reassured, tucking his knees under himself.
“You didn't do anything,” Kei spoke softly, looking up at his best friend. “You're perfect, Yamaguchi, you could literally never do something wrong.”
“Then, what?” He asked, “Please just come here, Tsukki. You're scaring me.”
Hesitantly, Kei left his chair, his legs being moved by the sweet sound of Yamaguchi's voice, even if it was laced with worry. He stationed himself at the edge of the bed, folding one leg under him as the other dangled off, securing a quick escape route if he needed it.
“I’ve just been thinking a lot recently.” Kei started, playing with his hands in his lap.
“That’s a first,” Yamaguchi jabbed, a small smirk growing on his lips. “Sorry, that’s not true.” He apologized, a red blush forming on his cheeks. “It was right there. What have you been thinking about?”
A small laugh slipped from Kei’s lips. “The future.”
“What about it?”
“Not sure.” Kei lied through his teeth. “It's just scary.” He shrugged, looking up at Yamaguchi who somehow managed to get closer to Kei without him noticing.
“Okay,” He replied, placing a soft hand on Kei’s arm. Kei melted into the touch. All he wanted was for Yamaguchi to hold him and comfort him. To kiss him and tell him everything is okay. That all of this change and all of his feelings will even out over time. That there's nothing to be afraid of.
Except there was. There was so much change, and so many new feelings flooding Kei’s brain he didn't know what to do. Kei always had a hard time accepting that he couldn't control everything that happened around him. That is until he realized the one thing he could control was himself. His emotions, his reactions, and his feelings were all his and no one else's. But as he looked over at his freckled friend sitting in front of him, he wasn't even sure about that anymore. Now as Yamaguchi stared at Kei laced with concern and worry, Kei’s emotions were no longer just his, they were also Yamaguchi’s.
“Tsukki,” Yamaguchi whispered, dropping his hand to the bed beside him. “Help me understand. I want to help you.”
“I–I can’t,” Kei mumbled, not letting his eyes meet Yamaguchi’s.
I can't tell you, Yamaguchi. Kei wanted to say. I can't tell you how every time I look at you my chest gets tight and my brain gets fuzzy. How I love when you concentrate on your homework you poke your tongue through your teeth and bite down, and how it makes me want to sink into your bedroom floor. I can't tell you how much I love you because it isn't right, and I know you could never feel the same.
Almost on cue, Yamaguchi’s shitty soccer desk lamp finally lost power, casting a dark and empty shadow over the two boys. Yamaguchi didn't budge from his place on the bed, he moved his hand towards Kei, slowly taking Kei’s lanky fingers in his own.
“Tsukki,” He whispered, “Is it about us?” He asked bravely.
Those four words cut through what was left of Kei’s withering sanity, snapping him in half and feasting on the remains. Suddenly, the light that was lost from Yamaguchi’s soccer lamp, glowed in his eyes.
“Tadashi,” Kei mumbled, his eyes scanning frantically over Yamaguchi’s face, looking for any reason to not do what he wanted. He had trouble finding one.
“Kei,” Yamaguchi replied, his voice so quiet Kei almost missed it, but he didn't. The use of Kei’s given name falling from Yamaguchi’s mouth lit the spark. The long-dormant flame of impulsivity in Kei’s chest quickly flared up. His eyes shot to Yamaguchi’s face, as they adjusted to the darkness Kei could see his features again. His brown eyes, his mossy hair that draped over his face and stuck out in wild places, his freckles that danced across his tan completion, gathering in the crooks of his body.
Yamaguchi looked amazing, despite the darkness of the night that filled the room, he glowed. Shining like a light that highlighted every single thing Kei loved about him. Yamaguchi was the sun and the stars and the planets, he was the universe, he was everything. The stars danced across his cheeks, taking to the form of freckles, The sun shown in his eyes. Jupiter’s rings danced around his head, Venus’s ring of fire warmed up his cheeks and Kei lost all sensibility.
His limbs acted quickly before his brain could process what was happening, and suddenly Yamaguchi’s lips were flush against Kei’s. It was a feeling, Kei had realized, he’d been dreaming of his whole life. Yamaguchi sat there for a moment, seeming shocked by the unexpected press of Kei’s lips against his.
Something in Kei’s stomach twisted. Guilt, shame, and embarrassment started to pile up as Yamaguchi didn't react to his kiss. It lifted Kei from his body and hung him above the two of them, his consciousness looking down at the pathetic attempt at displaying his feelings. He never should have done it, he never should have kissed Yamaguchi.
‘Stay in line and you won't lose your place,’ Kei repeated in his head.
He looked down on himself and felt sick. He felt disgust and anger and anguish.
Then, after the second that stretched over several years was over, Yamaguchi moved his mouth against Kei’s and melted into the kiss. It slammed Kei back down into his body, sending a shock wave of emotion from his head to his toes.
Yamaguchi’s hands immediately flew to Kei’s hands on his own face, touching them almost as if to make sure this was real, that he was real. He laid one soft hand on top of Kei’s own and placed the other on Kei’s chest right over his heart.
Kei could feel his skin burning under Yamaguchi’s touch, the once chilled room was suddenly on fire, scorching the two childhood best friends as they kissed. Yamaguchi shifted his weight under him to pull himself closer to Kei, pressing their chests together as he deepened the kiss. Yamaguchi opened his mouth to let Kei in and he complied, running his long boney fingers through the boy's soft hair.
As their chests laid against each other, and Yamaguchi slowly moved onto Kei’s lap, his waist now sitting between each of Yamaguchi’s legs, Kei could hear his heartbeat in his ears. It rattled his brain inside his skull, almost like it was trying to shake off the years of rationality Kei had built up. Soon, the sound became louder, pounding in his ears as Yamaguchis’s heartbeat in time. Kei wanted to focus on the task at hand, he wanted to kiss Yamaguchi the way he had been dreaming about his whole life, he wanted to hold him tight and memorize the pattern of his teeth. He wanted to know this part of his childhood best friend that he had never experienced before.
But that’s just it, isn't it? Maybe Kei wasn't meant to experience this. Maybe there was a reason that after eight years he hadn't realized his feelings. Maybe Kei was just lonely, projecting his loneliness onto Yamaguchi, subjecting the poor boy to his own selfish needs.
The heartbeat in his ears shook him much harder now, his glasses started to feel the effects as they slipped off his face. Kei felt like he couldn't breathe, he felt a tightness in his chest that he’d never felt before. Maybe he was dying? Maybe this is the way he goes and written on his gravestone it will read; “Tsukishima Kei – beloved son and brother, dies while underneath his best friend of eight years.”
Panicked and overwhelmed, Kei shoved himself away from Yamaguchi’s lips, the force causing the boy to fall off Kei’s lap and onto the spot he had previously sat before. Kei felt blinded, he felt like his vision was blurred even through his glasses. He felt like he might die.
The ring of Yamaguchi’s voice in front of him snapped him into reality, his eyes focused and stared at the boy in front of him, his lips red and swollen.
“Tsukki!” Yamaguchi exclaimed, now sitting up with his hands folded politely in his lap.
“What?” Kei answered, surprised by Yamaguchi’s urgent tone.
“That's like the 5th time I've said your name.” A weak laugh fell from Yamaguchi's lips. “Are you okay? You kinda pushed me off you pretty hard there. Did I do something wrong?” Kei’s eyes scanned the worried face in front of him, Yamaguchi’s hand was wrapped around his wrist, rubbing it slightly.
“Did I hurt you?” Kei asked, looking down at the boy's wrist. It felt like the walls were closing in on him and he spoke, he could barely hear the words as they came out of his mouth.
“Hmm?” Yamaguchi questioned, looking down at his wrist. “I just landed on it wrong, it's okay though. I should probably just ice it, I’m sure it will be better in the–” Yamaguchi rambled, his sentence cut short by Kei suddenly standing above him. He hadn't even realized he had gotten up until that freckled face was staring up at him. “Are you– Are you okay, Tsukki?” Yamaguchi asked, his eyes glowing as he looked up at Kei. It made his head feel light, he might pass out.
“I– uh– I have to go.”
Before he knew it Kei’s feet were carrying him out the door, leaving Yamaguchi behind him in his dust.
Why was he running? Wasn't this everything he’d ever wanted? Why did he feel like he could throw up in Yamaguchi’s mother's garden? Why? Why? Why?
Yamaguchi, of course, had run after him when he left unexpectedly because he's perfect and for some reason cares about Kei more than anyone ever has. It's intoxicating and nauseating.
“Tsukki!” Yamaguchi called after him, but Kei was already gone. He couldn't turn back now, it would be humiliating. He would have some to come up with a reason why he ran out and to be honest he has no clue.
Kei’s mind wasn't making sense, he couldn't come up with a logical reason for his actions. He always had a reason for doing things, because that was the reasonable thing to do. Make this spike and we win the game. Solve this problem and you’ll ace the test. Tease Hinata and he’ll prove you wrong. Stay in line, do what you're told, don't lose your place.
Kiss your best friend and you’ll ruin your life.
Controlling your emotions is difficult when you don't even know what emotions you're feeling.
Kei read that in a self-help book gifted to him by his mother when he was 13. She thought that it would be a good idea to gift Kei an array of self-help books after she split from his dad to help him cope. The books were clearly written for hormonal kids Kei’s age learning how to deal with puberty and their changing bodies. He hated every single one of them, storing them away deep under his bed, simply because none of them made sense to him.
Kei had always known what his feelings and thoughts meant and how to control them, they were the one thing he could control when everything seemed so out of his reach.
Until this moment, as he laid on his front porch at nearly 12 o’clock in the morning after sprinting away from his best friend’s house, that phrase started to make sense.
His head ran at 100 miles per hour, trying to make sense of what just happened. The feeling of Yamaguchi’s soft lips moving against his own still lingered on Kei’s mouth, causing his head to spin as he thought about it. Did that just happen just now? Surely, it must have been a dream and at any moment Kei would wake up in his cold room, having made this whole thing up. It was all just a horrible dream and he would return to school tomorrow like nothing happened.
But, as Kei pinched his arm to check if it hurt and it did, his chest started to ache more. The severity of the mess he just created crashing down on him all at once. Kei’s phone vibrated incessantly in his pocket, mostly being bombarded with texts and calls from Yamaguchi trying to get an answer for what the fuck just happened.
He didn't have an answer, for once in his life he had no idea what was going on in his head. It was all a jumbled mess of questions he didn't have the answers to.
Kei felt out of body, like he was floating above his house, watching himself lay helplessly on his front porch. He watched as his fingers reached into his pant pocket to take out his phone and flick on the power. The bright light illuminated his face in the dark, as the screen read:
3 missed calls from Tadashi.
6 new messages from Tadashi.
Kei’s heart pounded in his chest at the slight of his best friend’s contact displayed on his screen. He pictured Yamaguchi frantically calling Kei after he unexpectedly left. He pictured his shaky hands typing out text after text just to get a small crumb of a response to ease his anxieties. Yamaguchi was probably crying, he was always crying, trying to conceal his sounds to make sure not to wake up the whole house. Kei’s stomach ached thinking that he made his best friend, the only person that truly mattered in Kei’s miserable life, that upset.
He hesitantly opened his phone to read the texts.
Tadashi 11:32 pm
tsukki come back please
can we talk about this?
i don't want you to be upset with me
i’m sorry if i did something wrong
i didn't mean to upset you
we can forget this ever happened just please come back
The texts felt urgent, one pouring in after the other with barely any time between them. Deep down Kei didn't want to forget this ever happened, he wanted to remember that feeling of Yamaguchi’s lips on his own. He wanted to etch the look of his best friend's face looking innocently up at him in the back of his brain. But, he wouldn't let himself.
“Stay in your lane,” Kei repeated to himself, his thumbs moving against his screen before he could develop a rational thought about this whole thing.
Rationality and reason are rid from Kei’s brain forever.
Tsukki 11:47 pm
Yeah, forget about it. Sorry for the trouble.
Going to sleep. See you tmr.
Walk you to school?
Almost instantly, a reply came in.
Tadashi 11:47 pm
okay, tsukki (: gn
& ofc see u tmr
Crisis averted. Kei stood up slowly from his place on his porch and brushed off his pants, slowly making his way into his house.
“Hey, I’m home.” He called out through the house, the kitchen light still on. “Long day, I’m going to bed. Night.” Wanting to bypass his mother at all costs, he quickly made his way into his bedroom before she could reply.
Kei threw himself on his bed stuffed into the corner of the tiny room, not even bothering to take off his school clothes. That was a problem for tomorrow.
Exhausted from thinking and feeling way too much all at once, Kei fell asleep. The image of Yamaguchi’s freckled face keeping him company.