Work Text:
How It Should've Gone: BEASTARS ~Legoshi vs the Panty Thief~, by Chronos-X
Legoshi (catches up to Roger): Mind if I join you?
Roger: Seriously!? I've had to train all my life to be this fast, and you lap me just like that!?
Legoshi (shrugs): Not my fault Ita-san likes me best. (Turns serious). On to business... I know you've been stealing all those panties.
Roger (blushes nervously): W-What panties?
Legoshi: The ones you stuffed into your fanny pack. By the way, it's 20XX. Nobody uses those anymore.
Roger (scowls): They're retro, dude. All things retro are making a comeback. You know how it is.
Legoshi: Just because it's retro doesn't mean it's cool. Seriously, you look like a soccer dad who OD'd on whey powder.
Roger: What're you, the Fashion Police? You have business with me or something, mutt? I'm kinda busy right now...
Legoshi: Right... I'm gonna turn you over to the Headmaster.
Roger (sweats nervously): C'mon dude, give a guy a break, will ya? We all got embarrassing secrets and guilty pleasures. For example, you look like a fella who has a thing for theater kids with antlers and egos the size of Jupiter.
Legoshi (blushes): Nice try, pal. Make things easier on yourself and come along quietly.
Roger (strikes a fighting pose): Like hell I will! What're you gonna do: report me to the Virgin Police!?
Legoshi (strikes a fighting stance): Bitch, please... I am the Virgin Police.
(They fight. The winner is...).
Roger (all bloodied and bruised): Ouch. Isn't there any way I could persuade you to look the other way, pal?
Legoshi (pants heavily): Save... your breath. You're... gonna pay... for what you did, you... you cree--
(Roger gradually lifts his t-shirt, allowing Legoshi a good look at his gorgeous pecs and lovely muscles. Lego-boy literally spaces out. Roger snaps his fingers at Legoshi. He doesn't respond).
Roger: Glad we could arrive to an understanding. Later, wolfie. (Leaves).
Later...
Gon: So you're telling me you caught Roger-kun here with the stolen panties? And you almost didn't report him because he "distracted you with his sexiness"?
Legoshi (mortified, wears a paper bag and a dunce cap over his head): Yes, Sir.
Gon (facepalms hard): Why did Ita-san make you the main character, again? (Clears throat). Whatever. All that matters is you caught him. (To Roger, stern). This is the last straw, Roger-kun. I'm afraid I have no choice but to--
(Roger absentmindedly lifts his shirt again. Gon and Legoshi go gaga over such an exemplar of marsupial beauty).
Roger (annoyed, flashes the camera): This one's for you, Redditors. Ladies and gents... start your smutting.
(Roger leaves. Legoshi and Gon are still drooling all over themselves, staring longingly into the void of space...)