Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

There was something wrong from the moment Jim set eyes on her. 

Not to say there was anything wrong with her, no not at all. And that was part of the problem.

When she stepped out of the transport, he greeted her with the same charming smile he directed toward all of his crew.

"Welcome aboard the Enterprise, Doctor Madira." 

"Captain Kirk." She took his hand and shook it firmly. "Please, call me Evelyn." 

She was tall and very beautiful with a sort of powerful aura that commanded an entire room. Her hair was a deep chestnut color, tied up in a bun with little pearls braided into it. She went down the line of senior officers, shaking each of their hands until she stopped at Mister Spock. 

Jim watched The Vulcan brace for the woman to attempt a handshake, but the woman raised her hand in the ta'al. Everyone was shocked, especially because this woman appeared to be human. Even Spock arched an eyebrow in intrigue before he raised the ta'al to match hers. 

The most shocking thing was her speaking in Vulcan. It sounded pretty spot on, and by the expression on Spock's face, it was pretty good too. 

He replied to whatever she said and she smiled, laughing softly. Spock's lips were upturned and his eyes glowed with intrigue and astonishment. They talked in Vulcan for several moments, before the woman reluctantly continued down the line. 

Of course, every visitor that came onto the Enterprise was ogled at and flirted with. It wasn't often you saw a new face on a starship traveling through deep space. But this was normal, for people to ogle and be flirty. 

But it wasn't normal for Spock. Spock never paid any attention to anyone while in a professional setting. Jim couldn't keep track of the number of times Spock shut someone down on accident who was flirting with him. It just wasn't in his nature to flirt when there was work to be done. 

And yet. 

And yet, Jim watched the way Spock looked at the doctor like he had just discovered something truly spectacular. He only got that look when he was explaining something science-y to Jim over a game of chess. 

Doctor Evelyn Madira was a xeno-geologist who was called to lead this mission to study a planet that might contain a rare sort of mineral, a key ingredient in a material that was greatly needed by the Federation. It was terribly difficult to identify and required a skilled mind to run specific tests to prove that it was the mineral in question. They stopped at Starbase H-37 to resupply and prepare for this mission as well as collect her. 

They'd be in deep space for several weeks for this mission, which now suddenly Jim was not looking forward to. 

-~-⚛︎⚛︎⚛︎-~-

He had no right to be jealous. And Jim wasn't easily jealous either.

He'd never had anything to be jealous of. Before Spock. Their friendship was something that went beyond words.

They had a deep connection forged over years of working together in near-death situations, pulling each other from the depths of hell, building themselves from the ground up. They'd always found a way because they were together. They had each other.

Jim didn't remember exactly when he first realized he loved Spock. It was just some sleepless night when he was thinking about their last mission. It had been near-fatal, of course. Spock had nearly died and Jim felt hollowed from the inside out just thinking about what would've happened if Spock died. He realized that he desperately loved Spock in a not-so-platonic kind of way. His heart ached in his chest that night, and he didn't sleep a wink. It was so strange, just suddenly realizing his feelings like that, even though the signs had been there all along. For weeks, perhaps months. 

They had something, something between them. It was hot and alive like an electric wire that wrapped around them, entangling them. 

Jim could read Spock so easily, could decipher his subtle expressions and mannerisms without a second thought, something that most people had trouble with. The crew of the Enterprise respected Spock, there was no question about that, but most of them didn't understand him. Didn't understand the person behind that Vulcan pretense.

It was their thing. Jim would say something corny and maybe brash and Spock would give him that look and he would laugh and the corners of Spock's lips would upturn. Months of this subtle but ever-present banter had become a daily indulgence for Jim. He loved their little games, their talking, their knowing. Half of their conversations were unspoken and through body language only. 

But it was their thing. 

And now this Madira was always with Spock, always by his side. Always together. Where there was one, there was always the other. 

They sat together in the rec room, talking(usually in Vulcan) about god knows what but they were both enjoying each other's company. It felt like the millionth time this week that Jim had gone to the rec room eager to speak to Spock and found him sitting at a table in the corner engrossed in conversation with the doctor. 

Jim could only watch from across the room, absently picking at his food cubes as Bones egged him to eat a salad.

The Vulcan was so far away. Spock was being pulled toward Madira, a wonderful person. Smart, capable, confident, amiable. All good qualities. Where Jim was loud and boasting, she was calm and humble. Where he was goofy, she was serious. Where he was a mess, she was...put together. They were a perfect match. 

Spock had always seemed far away, but suddenly it was like he was farther than he'd ever been.

And Jim couldn't reach him. 

-~-⚛︎⚛︎⚛︎-~-

"Captain, may I request to work in the labs today?" 

Jim fought off the urge to sigh. Spock had asked him this every day for the past week and a half. While Spock really enjoyed the labs, they both knew he just wanted to spend more time with Doctor Madira. Jim was starting to miss seeing Spock on the bridge, sitting(or standing) at his station working diligently as always. 

There was a familiar ache in his chest at the thought of Spock leaving. They hadn't played chess in what felt like ages. Spock was busy running around after troublesome ensigns while running a team of science officers preparing for this mission, and of course, researching and working alongside the doctor. He was so busy and it wasn't his fault, no not at all. It was no one's fault. This is what happens on a starship. People get busy. 

And yet it hurt.

Jim only scolded himself more for this, because it was illogical and he couldn't get the image of Spock glaring at him for his illogicality. He was just a stupid human in love with someone who not only didn't love him back, but was falling for someone else. And it hurt a 1000% more that they were perfect for each other. She was...she was wonderful. And so was he. They fit together like puzzle pieces and it just worked. They were like clockwork. 

"Yes...Mister Spock," Jim rasped out. "Of course." 

A concerned look flashed across the Vulcan's face before Spock simply nodded and left. 

-~-⚛︎⚛︎⚛︎-~-

Jim walked down the hall toward the science labs with a skip in his step. After pulling a double shift on the bridge, he was eager to play chess with Spock. His fingers were buzzing with the temptation to play as he strolled into the labs. He was missing that Vulcan so much and now they'd finally get to spend some quality time together.

Chess was something he'd come to greatly rely on, and he could probably guess the same for Spock. Chess was one of the foundations of their friendship. It had all started with a casual challenge on the observation deck that had quickly turned into a ful-fledged tournament that lasted until 0400. Jim had never found a more worthy and satisfying opponent. 

His smile faltered as soon as his eyes landed on Spock and Madira. All of the science lab lights were off except one lamp they were both huddled under as they worked together on an experiment. They were speaking in Vulcan so Jim had no idea what they were whispering about, but something Spock said made Madira giggle and nudge him with her shoulder. He was blushing, Jim noticed as the ache in his heart deepened. 

Something dark and slimy knotted itself in his chest. He swallowed dryly, trying to breathe through the acid burning his lungs. 

He backed away out of the science labs and quickly walked down the corridor. 

He didn't belong there. 

He didn't belong anywhere. 

-~-⚛︎⚛︎⚛︎-~-

"Captain?" 

"Yes, Mister Spock?" Jim asked half-heartedly. His mind was reeling as he tried to make sense of the world that was spinning around him while he stood still. 

"Jim." 

That got his attention and the captain straightened in his chair, finally looking up to meet Spock's gaze. He could barely do that. He just felt so guilty, felt so ashamed of himself for feeling the way he did. 

The Vulcan drew in a breath and offered the PADD to the captain. Jim saw the document for what it was, his required signature to allow crewmate interpersonal relationships. It was happening. Spock was asking Jim to date Madira. This was not happening. Why was this happening? Why? Why? Jim felt the panic rise in him as he scanned the PADD, eyes widened impossibly. 

"Jim, may I have the permission to ask-" 

"No." 

The word was out before he could stop himself. He wanted to take it back but found he couldn't. Words dried on his tongue when he opened his mouth. There was no reason they shouldn't be together. They were perfect for each other in every way. There was no reason why they couldn't. Dammit! Jim was being selfish with his own stupid feelings. His own stupid heart! 

He was so ashamed, so disgusted with himself for these nasty possessive thoughts. Spock wasn't his. He was a grown adult capable of making his own decisions. And yet...

And yet. 

Jim lowered his eyes to the floor as he waited for Spock to ask the reason, a reason he didn't have. 

Instead, Spock just nodded, his eyes downcast. 

Jim felt absolutely horrible for denying Spock a chance to happiness, felt completely disgusted with himself, and couldn't believe he'd panicked and said that. 

When he handed the PADD back, their fingers brushed ever so slightly. 

Jim paid it no mind, but if he were looking at his first officer, he would have seen his eyes widen in concern and pain. 

-~-⚛︎⚛︎⚛︎-~-

"It just slipped out and now I don't know what I'm going to do because Spock deserves to be happy and all and I just denied him the chance to date the girl of his dreams-" 

"Woah woah, slow down Jim," Bones sighed softly from his behind his desk as he poured some whiskey into his black coffee. "Why'd you say no again?"

"You know," Jim sighed as he paced. "It's just...it's not in the best interest of the crew." 

The doctor raised an eyebrow at that.  "You mean in the best interest of you." 

Jim groaned aloud. "Yes, alright? Yes. I'm sorry I just cannot fathom--" 

They were both cut off by a knock at the door of Bones' office. 

"Come in," Bones called before turning his attention to Jim. "That's probably Spock. I roped him into a physical." 

Jim cocked his head. "How?" 

The doctor just shrugged. "We have our secrets." 

(The secret was blackmail.) 

The door opened and sure enough, there was Spock, who didn't even look at Jim as he said 'captain'. Jim couldn't look at him either and only managed to nod on his way out. 

Something was absolutely, terribly wrong.

And at the time, Jim didn't realize the PADD request to date a fellow crewmate was for him. 

Chapter Text

Spock knew from the moment he set eyes on her. 

Knew from the way she held her head, her eyes that shimmered with intellect and buzzed with thoughts. 

He knew from the moment she stepped in front of him and saluted him with the customary ta'al. 

It was obviously shocking to see a human who was knowledgeable in the typical greeting. He opened his mouth, but before she could say anything, she said. 

"I have had heard so much about you, Mister Spock. Your captain seems very pleased with you." 

It took him a moment to register that she said it in Vulcan. His eyes widened ever so slightly and he glanced at his captain for a split second. "Indeed? And I had assumed his eyes had been on you, doctor." 

She chuckled softly. "Oh please, we both know that's a lie, Mister Spock. My wife wanted to thank you for being so kind and going out of your way to escort her around Starfleet Headquarters. She said she would have been completely lost without you." 

"I believe congratulations are in order, doctor. I am pleased to hear you have been wed. Where is Mevra now? I did not see her exit the shuttle with you?" 

The doctor sucked in her teeth a little bit. "She got held behind when some of the new plants from Beri VII infected the crew of Starbase L-29." 

"I see. You expect her soon, though, yes?" 

"Hopefully," The doctor sighed. "It drives me mad not to be with her." 

At that moment, they both realized that they'd just had an entire conversation in Vulcan and that maybe the doctor should move on to meet the rest of the crew. She gave him a little wave as she went about her way and he watched her, intrigued. 

He had found himself a new friend, a true friend. 

-~-⚛︎⚛︎⚛︎-~-

Spock couldn't quite remember the moment he realized he loved the captain. Perhaps it was the moment their gaze lingered or when their fingers brushed during chess. These simple moments began to add up in Spock's head and they made imprints in his mind, filed away in a special place to overthink later. 

He had no sooner realized his feelings than discovered that Jim could not ever love him, at least not like that. 

Or the captain was friendly to everyone, physical contact was just in his nature. The gentle touches that meant so much to Spock meant nothing to him. It was just friendly and common in Terran culture. Nothing special. 

Spock tried not to be hurt by these thoughts, and yet his heart twisted in his chest. Whether or not he could deny his feelings for Jim, there was the loss of breath, the heat that rose to his cheeks, and his loss of balance that gave him away. 

He felt silly, like a child for his behavior towards Jim, but he could not stop it. He looked forward to their chess evenings and their dinners while overlooking reports. Over time, he came to rely on these little moments between him and Jim, these perfect stolen moments. That's what they were nothing more. Stolen. 

He did love Jim though. That much was obvious and it was useless to ignore when these thoughts were ever-present. 

What wasn't there to love about Jim? He was smart, beautiful, charming, clever, sweet, gentle, kind...wonderful. Jim was reckless but calculated, boisterous but hesitant. He was an enigma of opposites that Spock was positively fascinated by. The future gleamed in Jim's eyes, Spock's future gleamed in Jim's eyes. He was extraordinary in every measure. 

-~-⚛︎⚛︎⚛︎-~-

The first time Spock sat with Doctor Madira in the rec room was out of politeness. His place was beside his captain, a permanent position he took pleasure in filling. 

"Live Long and Prosper," Spock said in Vulcan. "How have you been adjusting?"

"Peace and Long Life," Madira answered with a smile. "I've been getting along just fine. It's definitely not my favorite thing to whirl through the void of space at the highest speed." 

The corners of Spock's lips upturned. "You sound like the good doctor Mccoy." 

She snorted. "I bet. Please, sit." 

Spock sat down next to her. "Are you thrilled to explore and identify an abundant mineral on Planet Hp-172?" 

"Oh very. This is the most exciting thing I've done in way too long." She paused for a moment, her face becoming smug. "The captain's staring at you again." 

"He is?" Spock said too quickly which only caused her to giggle. "I...the captain's gaze wanders. I am sure it is nothing of consequence." 

"His gaze seems to wander over here a lot. Specifically to you." 

"Fascinating," Spock whispered under his breath. 

And from then on Spock with Madira for genuine reasons, other than being polite. 

-~-⚛︎⚛︎⚛︎-~-

They got along well and talked about everything, and it was easy too. Spock had not found this easiness with many people, but Madira was just the type of person to ease someone's worst anxieties. She was calm and direct and assertive, so Spock was not left guessing of her intentions. It was easy being friends with her and he spent a great deal with her already, as the chief science officer. 

He liked her company a great deal and all the wisdom she had to offer him. She explained how she and her wife met and fell in love and how human-alien relations were complex. Among their frequently discussed topics was Jim. 

Spock was near positive that Madira was not a telepath, and yet she could sense the connection between him and his captain like that. She brought him up frequently and Spock couldn't help but blush when she did. 

He still tried to keep up his chess games with Jim, even though some nights the work was just too much and he had to cancel. In fact, he hadn't seen a lot of Jim recently. 

Jim seemed sad lately as if some kind of cloud was hanging over him. His eyes seemed less bright and there wasn't as genuine a smile on his face. Of course, no one else seemed to notice the slight change in the captain's behavior but Spock thought it was glaringly obvious. 

Like now, they were standing in the turbolift, waiting to get on the bridge. It was unnervingly quiet, except for the white noise of the turbolift. Spock's posture was almost too straight, hands folded perfectly behind his back. 

Jim was somewhere far off, looking at one of the many panels absently. 

"Captain?" Spock asked after a moment. 

"Yes...Mister Spock?" Jim finally looked at him. 

He didn't know how best to breach the subject. The Vulcan was not good at these kinds of things and humans were strange. A simple tone change could indicate an entirely different meaning. But this was Jim. If anyone were to understand Spock, it would be him. And yet he still found himself hesitating on how to phrase his question. 

"What is it?" Jim asked again once the silence has stretched for a little too long. 

"Are you well?" 

Jim paused and considered. "Yes. Yeah, I'm fine. Why're you asking?" 

"It is nothing," Spock mumbled. 

And then the turbo lift doors opened and Jim quickly walked out. Strange. 

-~-⚛︎⚛︎⚛︎-~-

The days passed and he spent considerable time in the labs with Madira. In the back of his mind, he still couldn't shed the feeling that there was something very wrong with the captain. Perhaps he was just overanalyzing again. Jim was probably just fine and Spock was just reading the signals wrong. 

-~-⚛︎⚛︎⚛︎-~-

One night in the labs, they were working in the darkness under the light of only one lamp. They were studying some samples from a rock drilled from the planet's surface. Madira paused halfway from writing down observations to staring at Spock. She had that coy smile on her face which meant she knew something. 

"What?" Spock said after a moment, pausing his own work. 

"Oh, nothing...I was just wondering when you're going to ask Jim out." 

"Ask-" Spock cut himself off in shock. "I do not know what you are referring to." 

"You know exactly what I'm referring to," Madira chuckled softly. "You are obviously in love with him," She added in Vulcan. 

He couldn't exactly lie and object. It was true, and so he said nothing which only spurred her on. 

"So you should ask him out," She gently brushed his arm in encouragement. "He's really nice and he seems to like you too." 

Spock felt himself blushing. "That's...how do you know this?" 

"I just know these things, Spock. Everyone can see you guys have got a thing. I've been telling you this for weeks, now are you going to act on it?" 

"I...it is an idea I will consider." 

"Consider it, bud. You should ask him to dinner." 

"I would need the captain's permission to ask him out." 

Madira laughed. "Ah, I forgot about that little rule. I think that's sweet." 

"I will do it then," Spock nodded confidently, even though his chest fluttered with butterflies at the thought. Madira giggled some more when Spock heard the swish of a door. He looked back at the lab entrance but saw no one.

Must be the wind. 

-~-⚛︎⚛︎⚛︎-~-

Spock was admittedly nervous the next day, waiting in the turbo lift to go up to the bridge. He was tapping his foot restlessly and luckily he was alone so he didn't have to worry about accidentally exposing this little habit. The turbo lift doors opened and forced his foot to steady itself. The Vulcan drew in a deep breath and focused as he strode across the bridge to the captain's chair. It was now or never. 

"Captain," He said after clearing his throat. The captain grumbled out something absently, his gaze lost on something beyond the planes of this universe. "Jim." 

The human finally looked at him as if he was finally aware of his presence. 

Before Spock was swallowed by his own anxiety, he gave Jim the padd, his heart thumping in his chest. As Jim read it, he began, "Jim, may I have the permission to ask-" 

"No," The captain cut him off sharply. 

Spock opened his mouth to say something, but all words were stolen from him with just that one word. What else had he expected? Of course the captain didn't like him...why had he been so foolish as to think so? The blood was rushing to his ears and intense embarrassment threatened to overtake him. He should've asked why, inquired as to the reason for such a cold rejection. Jim obviously would give no explanation without being prompted. Just the look on Jim's face made Spock want to curl up. He looked panicked and mildly horrified, the worst emotions to be displayed in this type of situation. 

Spock had been so silly for even attempting something so illogical. If this was not a sign Jim didn't like him, then nothing was. 

The Vulcan felt his throat constricting as he took the padd back from Jim. As if it couldn't get worse, their fingers brushed and Spock for a split second felt Jim's emotions. It was a combination of horror and disgust to the acutest sense and Spock had to fight the urge to run away. His throat felt raw and his heart ached in a way that he had not previously known possible. 

Not only did Jim not love him, he was disgusted and horrified by him. 

It was Spock's worst nightmare come true. 

-~-⚛︎⚛︎⚛︎-~-

Had it all been a lie? Their entire friendship was Jim secretly uncomfortable with his presence? Had Spock been reading this whole relationship wrong? Of course he was, and this whole time too. This whole time Jim had actually secretly hated him. There was nothing between them. 

Nothing at least on Jim's part. 

Spock couldn't say he wasn't heartbroken. 

It felt like half of his soul had been ripped from him and now he was scrambling to pick up the scattered pieces. 

Of course today of all days, the Doctor had blackmailed him into coming for a physical. He only hoped it would be swift and painless. 

Spock was walking to Mccoy's office when he heard two people talking through the thin walls. He wished he hadn't. 

"..why'd you say no again?" That was the Doctor's voice. 

"You know...it's just not in the best interest of the crew." 

Somehow, Spock immediately knew they were talking about Spock's request and rejection. Curse his Vulcan hearing. 

"You mean in the best interest of you." 

God, Spock felt that sting in his eyes again. Jim didn't like him at all, he understood that now. But why did he have to hear about it everywhere he went? Would this be the rest of the mission? 

"Yes alright. Yes, I'm sorry I just cannot fathom-" 

Spock knocked on the door. He couldn't bear to hear any more of it. It was torturous and his mind was swimming. He heard the "come in" and stepped inside. He looked down at his feet in shame as he uttered, "Captain" and heard not even a reply from the captain, just a little nod. That was it, that was all he could muster. Spock was worth a nod. 

His legs felt weak as he heard the door close, signaling the captain's departure. 

"Hiya, Spock, come have a seat here," Mccoy patted the medical bed and Spock silently sat down with no argument, his thoughts spiraling endlessly. All he could hear was white noise as Mccoy began the physical. His head was starting to hurt and he just wanted to go to his quarters and sleep it off, a very human thought which he forced himself to forget. 

A while passed as Spock got lost in his thoughts, his hands beginning to numb. 

"Spock? Did you hear me? Your heart rate's elevated and so's your blood pressure. You been stressed lately?" 

"No doctor, I am well," Spock said after a moment, his voice wavering for a moment. Mccoy didn't seem convinced. 

"Spock, I'm your doctor. I think I can tell when something's up. Wanna talk about it?" 

"It is most likely not in the best interest of the crew," Spock said bitterly and he stood up to leave. 

"You heard that didn't you?" 

Spock nodded. He desperately wanted to leave. 

He heard an intake of breath. "Look Spock, if it's any consolation, I'm sorry." 

Spock looked up at the doctor in surprise. He had certainly not expected sympathy. 

"Jim just needs time. This is a lot for him to process, so obviously he's upset. But he'll come around eventually." 

"I would never impose my wishes if he is unwilling," Spock said hollowly. 

"He has reason to be upset, it's like his worst nightmare come true." 

Spock's lips trembled. "Did he use that phrasing?" 

"Not exactly but it was obvious." 

"I...I see," Spock sniffed brokenly. 

"Spock?" Leonard looked confused. "You look...you look upset. Are you okay?" 

"May I sit down for a moment?" Spock asked half-heartedly. He felt like his knees were going to give up on him at any second. 

Leonard spoke after a moment. He seemed genuinely concerned, which wasn't unusual. Even though he teased the Vulcan, there was an understanding between them. "Can I ask why you're upset?"

"I feel as if I have been blindsided. I had no idea Jim despised me so." 

"Sorry wait-" Leonard put a hand up. "What are we talking about?" 

"As you stated, doctor, it is "obvious" that the idea of ever being intimate with me is--is horrible, disgusting, a nightmare." Spock felt himself slump. "I never knew. I should have known that he despised me." 

"Spock-" 

The Vulcan stood up quickly and walked out of the room, fearing an emotional breakdown was coming to head. Though he had no doubt Mccoy wouldn't make fun of for such a display, it was still improper. 

He rushed to his quarters, breathing heavily.

Spock pushed off his shoes and collapsed on the bed right as the tears started to fall. 

Chapter Text

Jim felt horrible for saying no to Spock's request to date the girl of his dreams and it was eating him up inside. It didn't help that now, Doctor Madira practically glared at him in the halls, only acknowledging him coldly. It always made his skin crawl being at the receiving end of such an intense glare. It was still a thousand times better than what he got from Spock.

What he got from Spock was nothing now, not even a look or acknowledgment. Their chess games had stopped and they didn't sit together in the rec room anymore. On the bridge, Spock barely exchanged a word with him, if only to ask to leave to go to the labs. In the halls, Spock kept his eyes forward and looked right through Jim as if he wasn't even there. This was completely miserable, more than he'd ever imagined. 

He should've just said yes. Sure, it would have hurt like hell, but it would've probably been easier if he suffered alone than inflicted this kind of pain. He had lost Spock too. If he'd just said yes, he wouldn't have lost him, they'd still be friends. 

There was a rift between them that seemed unfixable, a permanent wound that refused to heal. 

And it was all Jim's fault. He had ruined everything. 

It was truly his worst nightmare unraveling before his eyes. He thought he and Spock had something special, and the fact that Jim trusted Spock more than he trusted anyone(besides Bones) was a big deal. It was already hard for Jim to open up to people he knew very well, but to open up to Spock. Well. 

Point is he now trusted him with his heart, mind, and soul and there was just no replacing that kind of relationship. 

Jim was sitting slumped in his ready room with a box of half-eaten chocolates, legs up on the desk, just trying to push the bad thoughts away. Also because if Bones found him, he would try to take the chocolate box away which certainly wouldn't help Jim's mood. 

And because he wished Bones wouldn't find him, the doors swished open and there was the doctor, his expression already stormy. 

"What'd eh do now?" Jim asked through a mouthful of chocolate. 

"I've been thinking the past few days, since I saw Spock for his physical," Bones was already pacing, and he swiped the box of chocolates from Jim's reach. "And you know what? He looked absolutely miserable." 

"That makes two of us," Jim grumbled miserably. 

"Yeah well he left my office crying." 

Jim sat up immediately, his legs swinging down to the ground. "He was crying?" 

"Yes, Jim. He was crying." Bones' expression hardened and he stopped pacing to glare at Jim. "Did you read that PADD request for crewmate relationships?" 

"I didn't have to." 

"WELL. You should've-!" 

The doors schwipped open and standing there was Spock, as stone-faced as ever, his eyes slightly downcast. "Permission to enter?" 

He'd never asked nor needed permission before. 

"Yeah, come in," Jim said after a moment. Bones cast him a sharp look before turning to leave. 

"Spock," He said on his way out and Spock replied with a formal, "Doctor." 

When the door schwipped closed again and it was just Spock and Jim, the silence settled over them in the most unsettling way. 

"What can I help you with, Mister Spock?" Jim asked finally, desperate to break the tension between them. Spock was standing stiff as a board, refusing to look Jim in the eye as he handed him a PADD. 

Here we go. Jim fought the urge to sigh. This was Spock reaffirming his desire to want to date Madira and now Jim would most likely sign it, signing away his best friend in the process. 

This time Jim read the PADD, his pen already pressed against it to sign it. But then he stopped, pulling his pen away immediately. 

"Spock, what is this?" 

"It is a request for transfer to another vessel-" 

"No, I know what this is. Why?" 

"I thought my reasons had been obvious." 

Jim laughed bitterly. The Vulcan couldn't even look him in the eyes when he ripped out his heart. "Right, of course. Obvious." 

The captain stood up, walking around the room while Spock stood stationary, eyes directed at the viewscreen. 

"You really want to do this? You want-want to leave?" 

"It does not matter what I want." 

That line seemed especially biting and Jim stopped and took a deep breath, trying to center himself. 

"You're just ready to leave? Just because I rejected your request?" Jim softened for a moment and the desperation took over him. He gently grabbed Spock's shoulders, forcing Spock to turn around. Spock kept his eyes glued to the floor. "Spock. Please, don't do this to our-our friendship. I can--I can still sign off on it." 

"I would never want to put you in discomfort, captain," The Vulcan said instantly. "As you have made it clear, we do not have a friendship." 

Jim took a step back as if he'd been struck. 

In the absence of Jim's speech, Spock continued. "Your obvious...disgust and disdain for my person should be reason enough. It is my fault I did not realize my foolish mistake earlier. Out of respect for you, I am choosing to give you space away from someone who you despise so." 

The Vulcan tried to maintain a monotonous tone throughout, but his voice wavered with the unspoken emotion he clearly felt. 

"What-?" Jim paused. Had he heard that right? Disgust? Disdain? Despise? Spock? All of his feelings were the exact opposite of how he truly felt about him. 

"Captain," Spock finally looked up at him. His eyes were misty and pleading, desperate, just like Jim felt. "I can see this conversation is upsetting you. I apologize for any pain or hurt I have caused you, but I cannot--I cannot remain here any longer. Surely you can see why." 

Jim felt tears gathering in his eyes. "No I can't," He said finally and Spock's eyes widened. "Because I'm in love with you. I love you so much and I would be lost if you weren't right beside me." 

Ah shit. Now he'd done it. He'd spilled his guts out like he always did. But Jim just couldn't stand Spock thinking anything counter to that. 

"Then..." Spock looked so confused. "Why did you reject my request to have a relationship with you?" 

"You wanted-" Jim cut himself off with a choked sob. "You wanted to date me?" 

"Who else would I have requested?" 

"Doctor Madira!" 

"Jim," Spock said breathlessly, and Jim could see the edges of a smile poking at his lips. It was infinitely refreshing to hear his name on Spock's lips, and said like that. Spock made Jim's name sound like a summer breeze. "Evelyn is married." 

Jim laughed out of pure relief and in one moment they were both running toward each other, holding each other close. Jim's hand went into Spock's hair as they kissed deeply, the kind of kiss that was long overdue and Jim couldn't help but think that they should've done this so long ago. God, Spock's mouth was so hot against his and the world was a million colors at once. 

When they finally broke apart, Jim was crying, much to Spock's concern.

"No, it's fine, I just thought I lost you, my Vulcan," Jim whispered as Spock brushed away Jim's tears with gentle kisses. 

"You could never lose me, My James. I forever belong to you." 

And Jim believed him. 

-~-⚛︎⚛︎⚛︎-~-

Later they laid in bed together, and Spock was fascinated by the scars on Jim's chest, tracing them with his finger. 

"...when I retrieved the PADD, I briefly felt your emotions through the contact. Disgust and horror, which I assumed was toward me." 

Jim gasped, smiling. He hadn't stopped smiling for a while now. "That was toward myself for rejecting your chance at love! I felt so bad!" 

"James," Spock sighed, nuzzling his chest. "This miscommunication has been terribly taxing." 

"Yes, well. I got you out of it." 

"You most likely would have "gotten" me anyway. I do not think there is a universe where you have not." 

"Come here, sweetheart," Jim whispered, pulling the Vulcan up to kiss him properly. 

And man, kissing Spock was something ethereal. 

He knew that from the second he saw him.