Chapter Text
Jean-Luc Picard, Captain of the Starship Enterprise D, was always cross when Q turned up. He viewed the omnipotent entity as nothing but an arrogant malicious trickster who enjoyed playing with the lives of others. Yet he had never examined his own behaviour towards Q. Never made a genuine exploration of Q’s potential motivations or purpose. Never even considered that an omnipotent being who had roamed the universe since time immemorial might truly understand it, and the species living across its vast distances, more than himself.
The reason Jean-Luc refused to try and understand Q was simple. Q had offended his pride, and nothing was stronger within the Captains being than his pride. Except, maybe, arrogance. It was these two traits that stopped him from listening, looking beyond the superficial, and what’s worse, from engaging in a self analysis that may have been a revelation.
A diamond shaped white light flashed on the Bridge of the Enterprise, and Q emerged from within. He appeared in his usual form, a devilishly handsome Starfleet captain with a face full of mischief, an attitude of disdain, and an air of amusement, with a barely discernible undercurrent of hidden agenda.
Q reclined nonchalantly in mid-air and sighed to himself. What to do, what to do with these creatures he thought. They all blindly follow their leader, and their leader blindly refuses to ever give me a hearing, all because he dislikes what he's seen in the mirror I've held up to his soul! So, of course, they’ve steadfastly failed to learn from any of my games. Am I crazy to believe that they might listen this time? I guess the only thing is to try! He sighed again, this time audibly.
“Greetings mes amis!” he announced for all to hear, waving his hand in a courtly gesture.
Before he could continue, like clockwork, the Captain stood up in anger and loudly demanded “what do you want Q?”
Q rolled his eyes. Here we go again! The arrogant assumption that he is worthy of making such demands. Like a small child stamping its feet, trying to give orders to his elders, and having a tantrum when he fails. It makes it soooo difficult to refrain from treating them all like the fools that they are! Yet they expect ME to speak to THEM as if they’re my EQUALS! And follow their rules, their etiquette, their silly ‘manners'! What an incomprehensible waste of time! But if I can’t get them to listen they are doomed, and I don’t want that. They make such entertaining little pets. I guess it’s time to take a new approach, and pander to their small-minded idiosyncrasies. So, in an attempt at using ‘a new approach', Q refrained from reacting in an adversarial manner to the Captain’s tone of voice, and instead merely answered the question.
“I am here, mon Capitaine, to warn you about one of the people you have on board your ship. A person whom you trust – most unwisely I might add". Drat that last phrase! It just slipped out! Q thought. Now Jean-Luc will react badly. Can’t stand the slightest bit of criticism he's so wretchedly arrogant! Actually, his entire species is frustratingly egocentric. It’s like walking on glass with these people! Is massaging his ego really the only way to get through to him? So it seems. Pretty pathetic.
“Well get to it then!” was the predictable and clipped response from Picard.
“If you would...pleeeeease....stop interrupting me I would, Jean-Luc” Q continued in a slightly exasperated tone, and lowered himself into a standing position on the floor next to Data, who was seated in his regular position at Ops.
“Very well, Q. You may go ahead. I will listen". Picard returned to his chair and sat down with a conciliatory expression.
OMQ! It actually worked! Humans truly are a very strange species. Q had never dreamed that the use of ritualised words and behaviours, such as saying ‘please' or ‘thank you' – something humans referred to as ‘manners' - would have such a profound affect on the responses he got when he spoke to them. The Continuum considered considered such nonsense as an impedance to efficient and accurate verbal communication. When, that is, they were compelled to use such a primitive form of communication at all. Amongst themselves they simply merged their minds and became one, laying bare all thought and feeling to be shared at will. Like a giant hive mind, the Q Continuum was a place where falsehoods were impossible, and such concepts as ‘good manners' irrelevant. Yet, given his current observations, Q determined that this alien ‘manners' thing might require further investigation after all. However, that would have to wait. There were more pressing issues at hand.
“Thank you, mon Capitaine” Q replied with a slight bow of his head, and a wave of his arm. He had decided not to completely forgo his flippant persona, in case the neurotic creatures became suspicious of his motives. Humans tend to be so very suspicious of change, and their senses so limited one has to manifest in the same form every time, else they wouldn’t recognise me. It places such terrible restrictions on my creativity! It’s most unfortunate he internally bemoaned.
“Now, as I was saying....” you have on board your ship a person, or should I say, creature, a far more appropriate term, that poses an imminent threat to your safety"! He paused for effect, and to see whether Jean-Luc would really do as he said and refrain from interrupting. Amazingly he did, so Q continued. “This creature is not what she appears to be, yet has been on board for some considerable time now, and has, via her devious cunning, gained a position of significant trust. The sort of position where she can absorb great reams of information on the ship and its crew, and even influence your own decision making Jean-Luc! Can you possibly guess of whom it is that I speak?”
The Captain raised his eyebrows in admission of ignorance, and most of the rest of the Bridge crew muttered between themselves in bewilderment. It was Data who turned in his chair around and spoke. “I believe that the ‘creature' to whom Q is referring is Guinan, Captain".
“Congratulations Data!” cried Q, clapping his hands whilst everyone else stared in disbelief.
The Captain stood up again, once more assuming his confrontational style. Well that didn’t take long! Thought Q.
“That is ridiculous!” Picard roared, then in a quiet and more conciliatory tone, “no offense, Mr Data".
“None taken, sir" Data replied, although he was nonetheless alarmed and confused at his Captain’s aggressive response.
Picard continued in the same style. “Of all the no good false, absurd and slanderous things we have heard from you Q, this one really takes the cake!”
Q raised his eyebrows, his eyes grew wide and he took a step backwards in consternation. Oh dear. I fear the Captain is going into an apoplexy!
“Calm yourself mon Capitaine! Let us behave like adults, shall we?” and he gave a reproachful and rather condescending smile. His patience with Picard was starting to wear thin.
“Now, since it appears that your mighty leader here" he announced with a sweep of his arm to the rest of the Bridge crew, “is unwilling to allow me the CURTESY of a hearing, I refer my case to my good friend here, Data". He gave Data a pat on the shoulder, causing him to look up in surprise.
“Why me Q?” Data asked.
“Because, my dear Data, you faithfully record everything you experience, and you are incapable of lying, is that not so?”
“Yes, Q, it is".
“Therefore it is you who is in the best position to report on the validity of your Captain’s assertion, would it not?”
“You have a good point, Q".
“Well then, get on with it! In all our past dealings, have I ever given you false information, as your Captain so unkindly says?”
Data tilted his head whilst he accessed the voluminous files recording the interactions of the Enterprise crew with Q. He quickly realised that he had been ‘backed into a corner', as the expression goes. He turned to the Captain with an air of apology. “I am sorry, Captain, but your accusation is unfounded. Although it is the case that Q has withheld pertinent information at times, he has, in fact, never lied to us. I believe that you owe him an apology".
Picard stared at Data, mouth open in disbelief. The others were similarly dumbfounded. All, that is, except Q, who was grinning with glee.
“Thank you Data! You are indeed a courageous and trustworthy friend. Willing to tell the TRUTH...” Q gave Jean-Luc a pointed look... “even when that truth hurts" and he held him with a glare.
Picard, mumbling, looked away, fidgeted, and paced back and forth. Then he stopped and stood, hands clasped behind his back, and once again looked directly at Q.
“You were going to say something Jean-Luc? I'm all ears!” Q held his hand up to cup his ear, just to make absolutely sure his point was taken.
Picard looked down and once again mumbled.
“I'm sorry, mon Capitaine, I did not hear you! Could you please speak up?”
Q was revelling in the situation. He's squirming, he's actually SQUIRMING! He knows Data is right, and to contradict Data would be tantamount to lying in front of his own people here. Oh the joy of it!
Picard pulled himself together, looked up, took a firm stance, looked Q directly in the face and said loudly “I'm sorry Q! If Mr Data here says that you have always told us the truth, then you have always told us the truth, and my suggestion that you have done otherwise was unfounded”.
“Did you hear that!” exclaimed Q, opening his arms wide in a gesture of amazement as he made a dramatic display to all of those present. “Is this a first? Your Captain admitting that he made a MISTAKE! The man who always has to be right! Now this is a thing worth celebrating!” with a click of his fingers, champagne glasses filled to the brim appeared in everyone’s hands. He held up his own and proposed a toast. “To our dear Jean-Luc Picard, who has come to a most gracious turning point in his life by admitting that he is in the wrong, and what’s more to have admitted that it is I! Q! who have been most falsely and baselessly impugned?! To even APPOLOGISE for being wrong! I ask you all, has this EVER happened before?”
He didn’t wait for an answer, instead turning directly to face the Captain. “Oh what strength of will that must have taken you, Jean-Luc! I congratulate you for your new found wisdom. Here! Here! to son Capitaine! May this be the start of a new era of honest self examination! And maybe, just maybe, a willingness to listen to his betters when they are trying to TEACH him something!” With that, he raised his glass, downed its contents, then threw it in the air, at which it disappeared. Data, watching him, followed suit. The Captain begrudgingly took a sip, then involuntarily raised his eyebrows. He had to admit, Q had very good taste in Champagne. Deanna drank out of politeness, but Riker put his glass down firmly without drinking, whilst Worf growled and tipped the contents of his glass onto the floor.
“OK OK, you've done your gloating Q. Now why don't you explain yourself" Picard grumbled.
Q suddenly became serious, and his facial expression darkened. With a careless flick of his hand all of the glasses disappeared. “As Data pointed out, the creature to whom I refer is currently going by the name ‘Guinan’, and I understand that she has the ear and trust of the entire crew, including yourself, mon Capitaine. She has even influenced your decisions in the past, and do not try and tell me this is not so".
“It is true, but she has EARNT my trust Q. It was not given lightly. Her insights have always been accurate and helpful. She has given us no reason to distrust her. You should understand, therefore Q, why I am sceptical of your accusations".
“Tsk tsk Jean-Luc. You have been deceived into believing her suggestions and recommendations because you rely on the assumption that her motivations are just, and because you are unaware of the truth. For you see, it is she who reads and manipulates timelines in order to force you into doing her secret bidding. She has been the scourge of this galaxy for centuries! It is only the Q who have been able to keep her in check. Admittedly, the actions she has taken with you to date have been relatively harmless, and easily corrected, but I have detected that a far more sinister plan is now on the horizon”.
“That’s...very hard for me to believe, Q. I would like to see some concrete evidence”.
“Concrete evidence concrete evidence! You cannot understand my frustration with the limited capacity of humans to understand time and the metaphysical! One cannot provide ‘concrete evidence', as you define it, on the metaphysical. Of course, I CAN provide you with a whole lot of what you would term ‘circumstantial evidence’, if that will appease you"?
“Perhaps".
“Well then, you may recall that Guinan keeps a rather large energy beam rifle under her bar – and she knows how to use it. Now why would she need a thing like that on a Federation Starship on a mission of peace, hmm? And I kid you not when I say that she knows how to use it. She even defeated that half-witted ape over there in a phaser contest." He pointed at Worf, who growled and made a move towards him, but the Captain held up a hand to stop him. Then Q addressed Worf directly, with a wickedly delighted smile. “You remember Worf? That time on the phaser range? What level was that at again, I cannot recall...”
“Level 14 – but I was upset at the time and not at my best!” Worf angrily rumbled.
“Excuses excuses! It does not become you as a ‘Chief of Security’ to make excuses for being defeated at your own game by a ‘BAR TENDER' Worf”.
Worf was shifting his feet and looking unbearably embarrassed. The others, none of whom had heard about this phaser contest, looked at Worf with utmost surprise. Not only was it unthinkable that Worf could be defeated by anyone on board (except Lieutenant Commander Data), the Captain in particular was concerned that such an irregularity had never been mentioned to him. Nor, in his many interactions with Guinan, did she ever mention that she could even use a phaser, never mind that she was a crack shot!
Turning back to Picard, Q continued “I see by your expression, mon Capitaine, that your suspicions are raised already. Why would she conceal her prowess if not for nefarious reasons? And Jean-Luc, I don’t know about you, but its been my experience – gained over time since before your planet even evolved life – that you can tell a lot about a person by the company they keep. Of course you and I both know that this ‘Guinan'", and he almost spat the word out, “is very ‘selective' in the individuals that she chooses to call ‘friend'. You yourself are one of them, Jean-Luc. A potentially very useful friend to have, wouldn’t you say?” Q continued without waiting for a response. “Then, out of all of the people on this ship – how many of you are there Data?”
“1,014 Q".
“Out of 1,014 people on board this ship she has only ever chosen ONE other to honour with the epithet of ‘friend'. And who would that be? Ensign Ro. A very odd choice indeed. A convicted criminal. The one who betrayed you, left YOUR SHIP, to join the Maquis and is labelled a traitor by your own precious Starfleet! What do you think, mon Capitaine, of one who prefers to have criminals and traitors for friends rather than, say, your esteemed Counsellor here? Or the good doctor? It’s not a good look, is it?”
Picard remained silent.
“And another thing, and Data can verify this, since he was present at the time – not that he DID anything - ”, and Q gave Data an accusatory look. “You recall, Data, that some time ago, after I had a little...disagreement...with my fellow Q, I was condemned to be human". He shuddered and made a look of disgust at the thought, “and became a member of your crew?”
They all nodded, and all but Data showing an obvious aversion to the recollection of that particular event. When Q had been stripped of his omnipotence, his powers, and relegated to the body of a human, he had been begrudgingly allowed by the Captain to stay on the Enterprise as part of the crew. However, he was constantly complaining, bemoaning his fate and generally indulging in self pity, and had been widely regarded as a nuisance, and good for nothing.
Q could easily see their thoughts and feelings, so he pointedly said, “well, put aside for a moment your thoughts of hatred and dreams of seeing me get my ‘comeuppance’, as you might say, and consider this scenario: Data and I were sitting at the bar in Ten Forward...I won't go into the details of our discussion, that’s not relevant to the point I am making...anyway, Guinan walked up behind us, picked up a fork, and plunged it into my hand with full force. It HURT! There was BLOOD! She ENJOYED it!” He melodramatically placed his arm across his brow then continued “Now, I ask you, what sort of being would, without provocation, stab another living being, with the obvious intention of causing pain, then GLOAT over having done it?” He gave each Bridge member a glare, then added, because he knew their general opinion of the Q, “Oh, and just so you know...we Q DO have a code of ethics and, I don't know about YOU Jean-Luc, but to US at least, stabbing someone is a clear violation...” Then he stopped and left that hanging in order to let the message sink in.
Those present looked at each other with consternation and doubt, but eventually all turned their eyes upon Data. Noticing this, he felt it incumbent upon him to respond.
“I can confirm that this event did indeed take place precisely as described by Q” he informed them. “Q required medical attention as a result, but refused to tell Dr Crusher how the injury had come about". He paused for a moment, then looked up at Q. “I apologise Q. I see now that Guinan’s action was unethical, perhaps even criminal, and yet I failed to admonish her or report the attack, as I should have done. That was a failure on my part". He turned to the Captain. “Sir, I submit myself for a formal reprimand”.
Picard shook his head with a softly concealed chuckle. “That won’t be necessary, Mr Data".
Q practically sobbed, holding his hand over his heart for maximum dramatic affect. “Yes. Yes it was a very painful injury I can assure you, and a most unethical nee CRIMINAL act! But you let me down by your negligence my dear Data!” His face was the epitome of a heartbroken lover for a few moments. “However, since you apologise so sincerely, and you DID conduct me to sickbay for treatment, AND you respected my wishes to keep the ‘good' doctor ignorant of circumstances surrounding my grievous wounding, I shall forgive you”. He gave a wide gesture of magnanimous condescension, then turned back towards the others with a dramatic sweep of his arm.
“Now I ask you all. Do you agree with Data? And what sort of character would you ascribe to an individual – ANY individual - capable of making an unprovoked attack that caused EXCRUCIATING pain in their victim and, not only that, but deriving ENJOYMENT out of the sight of said victim writhing in agony?! What kind of character, hmm?”
There was a long silence before the Captain swallowed his pride and took it upon himself to make the admission.
“Looking at it from your point of view, I can see how you could regard that...unfortunate...incident as unethical - although I have my doubts as to whether the ‘attack' was truly unprovoked - but I have to admit, if it had occurred between any of my other crew members there would have been hell to pay. So I suppose I have to agree with Data - and I can hardly believe I'm saying this - but with you as well Q. It would constitute a breach of our ethical standards, and would be considered a criminal act under Federation law. However, I'm simply stunned to hear that GUINAN, of all people, could have behaved in this manner! I can hardly believe it!”
“Well, believe it you must, mon Capitaine! Now you still haven’t answered my other question...”
Deanna now piped up on the Captain’s behalf.
“I believe I can answer that question. It would take a very callous person to do what Guinan did to you Q and, if they genuinely gained enjoyment from the act and its consequences, I would consider it an act of sadism, characteristic of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I have to admit, though, that I am as surprised as the Captain to hear that it was Guinan who was involved. I have never detected malicious or narcissistic feelings from her".
“That is because, my dear woman, her telepathic powers are greater than yours – much greater! And she does more than just listen. She exerts control. Subtly, gently, so that you don’t even notice". Q's manner had become dark and ominous. “I tell you she is dangerous! And if you do not heed my warning now, you will all be destroyed!” He stood back, arms folded, face stern. Like a teacher waiting for an admonished student to respond.
The Bridge Officers were subdued. Q reassumed an expression of casual nonchalance, and resumed his reclined position in mid-air. Waving his hand with a flick he added, “As an aside, I assume you're aware of the telepathic abilities of El-Aurians in general? And that it’s common place for them to use these abilities to for personal gain, as con-artists and the like? Of course, THEY would have you believe that their abilities are quite limited, but that is not the case. The most ‘talented’ of them – and Guinan is one – have even been known to delve into the mind of a Q!” He took a most dramatic stance, but hastily added, with a shiver of disgust “only when such Q was caught off guard, you understand, and only BEFORE the degree of her abilities came to the attention of the Continuum. And as for you mere mortals, she can not only read your thoughts and emotions, but guide them as well! This creature has been manipulating you all for years- except my dear friend Data here, of course. It is a fair guess to say he alone is immune to her influence. I dare to suggest, Jean-Luc, that you should utilise his special talents before it’s too late".
Q stood up again and frowned down upon them all, arms crossed on his chest.
There was silence. All of the officers bar Data looked at each other with concern, confusion and doubt, then at the Captain for reassurance, but he was preoccupied with his own thoughts. So they looked expectantly towards Q, who was now leaning against Data’s chair, with his hand on Data’s shoulder.
Q felt amazed. Are they actually going to listen this time? Are they actually going to take my advice?! This is extraordinary. Hallelujah! He thought to himself.
Data, wondering at everyone’s silence, looked up at Q and asked the question himself that was on everyone’s mind. “Can you tell us the nature of this threat, Q? And what is it that you propose that we do?”
Breakthrough! Q cheered internally. This time there would be no need for games, or trials or challenges, and he was secretly grateful for that - even though, under normal circumstances, he found such things highly diverting - in this instance prompt action was needed. It was not just Q, it was the entire Continuum who were genuinely worried, because Guinan had gotten the better of Q in a moment of weakness - no small feat for a mortal. It exposed a vulnerability they were not about to tolerate and, of course, had been the source of endless embarrassment for Q. There was no way in the wide universe he would ever let that happen again! He was determined to have his revenge, and wipe that creature off the face of the universe. Or rather, have the Enterprise crew do it for him. He wouldn’t want to get the reputation for going around smiting half-witted little mortals, after all. Of course, there was also his concern for his favourite pets. He had no wish to lose them through the machinations of one such as she, they were such an inordinate source of fun! Especially Jean-Luc. It was so EASY to get a rise out of him! Then he would bluster and rave, and practically stamp his feet - like a child who'd just had his favourite toy taken away.
All semblance of Q's regular joviality and devil-may-care persona now dissipated. In its place was an expression of firm resolve and authority. “We cannot risk the divulgence of the information I am about to share coming to the notice of that...that witch! In light of which I shall restrict all further communication to you, mon Capitaine, and to Data – my most trustworthy friend. As for the rest of , go about your business”, and he made shooing motions to them with his hands. Then he turned to the Picard and Data in turn, “in your Ready Room mon Capitaine, Data", and he vanished in a flash of light.
Data spoke first. “Captain, I believe that what Q intimated was that he wishes to meet us in your Ready Room. Shall we go?”
The Captain was look8ng confused and shaking his head as if he had not heard. It took him a minute to react to Data’s question. When he did, he looked up towards the Ready Room door. “Yes...yes. Commander Data, you’re with me” he muttered, and began walking towards it. Just as he reached the door he paused, as if recollecting something, then turned around. “Commander Riker, you have the Bridge". He turned back and went through the door, with Data close behind.