Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

In the corners of my mind
Long forgotten, lost in time
Turning stones to look for light
It's dark out here in the dead night

—

“What have you been getting to every Friday anyway? Preparing for a secret special clip? Finally lived up to your extroverted personality and made some friends? Practicing how to actually lie in a game of Mafia?” Bora asked, eyebrows wiggling more exaggeratedly with every suggestion, earning laughs from the members. Gahyeon snorting at the last line caused the members to laugh even more. Except for her target of the joke.

Minji was uncharacteristically wriggling her hands, staring at the floor rather than meeting Bora’s banter as usual. “I…”

Bora could feel the anxiousness radiating off Minji, and immediately turned serious, grabbing Minji’s hand, trying to get her to make eye contact. Bora softly said, “Hey, I was just teasing. You don’t have to tell us, you know we respect each other’s privacy.”

This did it, as Minji finally looked up to meet Bora’s apologetic eyes. Minji squeezed her hand in appreciation. Seeing the members nods of agreement, she took a deep breath and answered, “Therapy,” the word came out choked. Weak. “I’ve been going to therapy.”

“Well that was a lot less juicy than I was expecting,” Bora deadpanned.

“Unnie…” Siyeon warned, taking the few steps towards Minji to rest a hand on her back.

Bora rolled her eyes, “I’m just saying, half of us go or went to therapy, it wasn’t exactly worth a month of secrecy.”

“You’ve been keeping count?” Minji asked, a teasing smirk already making its way to her face. She knew this was how Bora cared. Keeping track of any off behavior about her members, to be ready to be there for them if they need it and don’t know how to vocalize it. Or to weaponize it as her next joke. She never actually knew with Bora, but either way it was always her looking out for them. Looking out for her. Bora shouldn’t have to.

“Pffttt,” Bora flipped her hair nonchalantly, “Don’t give yourself so much credit, I just never know how much food to make on Friday for dinner anymore, and we really shouldn’t let food go to waste.”

Everyone rolled their eyes light-heartedly at that, knowing it was Bora deflecting and trying to beak the tension, because when has Minji ever let food go to waste. Even expiry dates couldn’t stop her.

Siyeon regretted having to turn the mood serious again, “Bora unnie’s borderline creepy ways of expressing love aside,” Siyeon said, earning her a punch lighter than normal to her shoulder from said girl, and a few snickers from the younger members.

“You know we wouldn’t judge or think less of you, right unnie?” Siyeon continued, “I know you always have this ‘but I’m the leader’ approach with everything you do, and we all appreciate you looking out for us no matter how small the situation is, but you should know we are always here for you too.”

This brough tears to Minji’s eyes, not just Siyeon’s words, but feeling how much love was being directed towards her from the girls she considers family, without them even saying anything. She needed to earn this.

“I know,” Minji answered, head tilted upwards trying to stop the tears from actually falling. “I think I just… I didn’t want you guys to think I wasn’t able to be the leader you all deserve.” Because she wasn’t.

It was Gahyeon who responded, “Unnie, I don’t think there’s a person ever more fitted than you to be our leader. Even you saying that just proves it more. We are a team unnie… a family. Whatever you give us will always be more than enough.”

She needed to do better. She needed to truly be the person who deserves these words.

Minji didn’t even realize Yoohyeon was wiping away her tears, that were now actually running down her face. Her treacherous heart skipped a beat.

“But you’re okay unnie? We know this job gets too much sometimes, but you also have more responsibilities than the rest of us. So if there’s anything we can do to lighten the load…”

Yoohyeon.

She could hear their voices echoing around her. Dami offering to help with the scheduling like she had done before when Minji was sick. Bora arguing that if anyone should be taking more responsibility it should be her as the second oldest. Handong unapologetically insulting Bora’s basic math skills and saying even the maknae would be a better option.

Yoohyeon.

Gahyeon objecting since she was actually a math genius and comparing her to Bora’s ‘sleeping from 1 am to 11 am is 12 hours of sleep’ was an insult. Siyeon quietly mumbling that it was actually her who said that.

Yoohyeon.

Bora tickling Gahyeon for the mis-accusation, and Gahyeon shrieking so loud that even Bora covered her ears.

Yoohyeon.

Bora naturally responding with… Yoohyeon… a loud scream.

Dami exasperately saying that… Yooheyon… scheduling had nothing to do with math… Yoohyeon… and she had already done it before.

Handong groaning… Yooheon… that they… Yoohyeon… really got side-tracked and this… Yoohyeon… was about helping...

Yoohyeon. Yoohyeon. Yoohyeon. Yoohyeon.

“...Minji,” Handong saying her name made her automatically snap her head towards Handong, tearing her sight away from Yoohyeon’s distorted face. The shift to reality was as dizzying as her whirling thoughts. She felt sick. Sick.

“Minji unnie? What is it?” Yoohyeon’s face was a canvas of confusion and concern, her hand reaching out to steady Minji.

No like actual she was going to throw up kind of sick. She needed to get away. “Thank you guys, for the offer.” Smile. “I really appreciate it, but I’m fine.” Lie. “As you said, it’s a bit busy with the promotions and the stress.” More. “Just needed someone to parse through some thoughts.” Grand finale. “I will let you know if I need any help.”

Minji smiled softly at each of the members and said, “thank you,” with relief that it wasn’t a lie, and happiness at the group hug initiated by their youngest. “We should call it a night; we have early shooting tomorrow.” The expected collective groan came, “Dips on the shower,” she added in a mischievous tone as she already headed for the bathroom.

“Unnie!” came a few loud whines, making Minji chuckle.

The weight of Yoohyeon’s concern made her turn around to reassure the girl with a smile which immedietly made Yoohyeon smile back, eyes crinkling, dimples showing, joy written all over her face. Cute. She couldn’t keep the act up any longer as her need to give Yoohyon some peace of mind was being drowned by the bile making its way up her throat. She hoped the sound of the shower drowned out her unravelling.

Chapter Text

Pull me back, out of my body
I'm tied to my limbs
They're spinning me out of control
Tether me

—

Omitting parts of the truth from the people who put so much trust in her, and wouldn’t even question what she told them, was lying. Minji hated lying. But it’s what she needed to do.

The thing about lying though, it got easier the more Minji did it. She didn’t have to overthink the words coming out of her mouth with a mind of their own, she didn’t feel the deep-set anxiety that would cause her to subconsciously display her uncomfortableness that gave her away so many times at the many games they play. 

But even with her outward confidence with her lies, there was nothing she could do about the guilt. Every lie adding a brick on her shoulder, and Minji feared the day she would crumble under the weight.

—

They were as busy with the preparations and promotions for the new album, but somehow Minji felt the responsibility a bit less this time. Not from her putting anything less than a 100%, but rather it seemed like her members had taken it upon themselves to take away some of her load. They were still as chaotic as ever, but she noticed it in the way Siyeon would squeeze Bora’s hand if one of her jokes on a live stream was about to take it too far; in Handong’s steadying hand around Yoohyeon every time she found something new to trip on; and in Dami’s unusually hanging out more frequently with everyone, offering hugs to Gahyeon, accepting Bora’s… everything, instead of retreating to a quiet corner. Not having to make sure everyone was fine all the time did actually lessen her stress. She loved them for trying to take care of her. She hated that they had to.

But even her lessened responsibilities couldn’t make this day any better. They already had early ‘should really be called middle of the night’ shootings, a morning radio show interview, and gruelling hours of dance practice.

It would’ve all been fine if it weren’t Friday.

LIE. LIE. LIE. But she couldn’t when the target of their attacks today was Yoohyeon. When their cruel words were for Minji, she took it, internalized it, dissected it, and sometimes when they were more persuasive, the mangled pieces stayed with her, settling in too deep for her to pull out.

But when their words were about Yoohyeon...

LIE. LIE. LIE. It was second nature to her to defend the girl, any of the girls, but especially Yoohyeon. And they should’ve realized this by now that the moment they brought up Yoohyeon she would shut down, but maybe they did it on purpose. To goad her into saying the wrong thing, because that’s when they could express their disappointment and really bare their teeth.

LIE. LIE. LIE. Minji knew what she should say to prevent what’s to come, but she wouldn’t let their lodged pieces touch the part of her heart that was Yoohyeon. Shielding that was more important than shielding herself.

LIE. LIE. LI—the thought died in her head as the pain took over.

Now she deals with the consequences; it was what she was there for anyway.

—

Her exhaustion left her more vulnerable, more susceptible to making mistakes.

Minji was surprised when she trudged back in the dorm to find Yoohyeon waiting for her. “Yoohyeon, what are you still doing up?”

Yoohyeon smiled softly, “I asked manager oppa to let me know when you’re on your way back so that I could warm up dinner.”

“Dinner?” Minji asked baffled. 

“Yeah unnie, you rushed from one schedule to the other today, I was worried your stomach would be eating itself by now,” Yoohyeon lightly teased as she guided Minji to the kitchen.

The way her heart sped up at the younger girl’s thoughtfulness was as unintentional as it was painful. Despite having no appetite, Minji hated to let Yoohyeon’s efforts go to waste, so she sat down with the girl, who also had her own plate, and they ate in a comfortable silence, only broken by a few sentences from Yoohyeon updating her on what they were up to.

What was she doing? She couldn' t take a step forward just to take two steps back. Was she really so weak?

“Unnie?” Yoohyeon’s arm was on her shoulder, startling Minji who met Yoohyeon’s worried gaze, “where did you go?”

“I’m just tired Yoohyeon,” Minji said and then added with a humorless chuckle, “It’s been a… a day.”

Yoohyeon took Minji’s hand that was absentmindedly moving the food around the plate, putting her chopsticks down. “Come on then. Let’s get you to bed.”

Minji wasn’t about to fight that, she just wanted to be in her bed, where she can stay protected under the covers, away from everything. Minji found herself being tucked into bed not having any recollection of how she got there, in her pajamas, teeth brushed if the taste of mint was any indicator. Yoohyeon’s eyes were boring into hers, emotions swirling by too quickly for Minji to comprehend.

“Minji,” Yoohyeon started then sighed at whatever she saw in Minji’s face. The hand on Minji’s cheek was retreating, replaced by a soft kiss to her forehead. “Sleep well unnie.”

Don't. Let her go.

Minji’s head was jumbled, but Yoohyeon just radiated so much comfort, and Minji was so damn tired. “Stay. Please.”

The voices had nothing to say when Yoohyeon’s arms wrapped tightly around her.

Minji felt her body relax against Yoohyeon, who was carding through her hair with her fingers. Yoohyeon was softly humming a song Minji didn’t recognize but it didn’t matter; she felt so safe right there in the arms of the woman she loved. Minji was reminded of all the times she was the one to comfort the younger girl this way.

The guilt that suddenly rose with the reminder that she has been neglecting Yoohyeon, especially with no explanation, was unfortunately stronger than her desire to just give in to the comfort and sleep. Minji turned around to so that she was facing Yoohyeon. The younger girl going right back to lightly scratching Minji’s scalp.

“Are you okay?” Yoohyeon asked quietly, trying not to completely break the calm atmosphere.

No.

I miss you.

I love you.

I'm not supposed to.

But I do.

She didn’t say any of that. When Minji looked at Yoohyeon, the adoring, worried gaze was still there, and Minji both couldn’t stand to see it when she felt so unworthy of it and wanted to just stay in that moment with Yoohyeon forever.

Minji doesn’t remember initiating the kiss but felt the way Yoohyeon sighed into it as if in relief, and the guilt stabbed at her again. Yoohyeon didn’t deserve this. Minji deepened the kiss, maneuvering Yoohyeon on top of her, and Yoohyeon met her with as much fervor, hands holding Minji’s face making sure they stay connected, almost afraid to let go.

Yoohyeon had bared her heart to Minji, trusting the older to take care of it, and Minji felt like she had practically strung her along. Promising her love, only to take it away. Actually, it was worse; Minji didn’t just take it away, but she would dangle it in front of Yoohyeon, then as quickly take it away. It wasn’t fair to Yoohyeon. She needed to stick to her decision.

But how come she couldn't let go?

She felt Yoohyeon freeze on top of her and start to pull back, but Minji didn’t want to lose the contact and chased away after it, only to be stopped by Yoohyeon’s hand caressing her face.

“Minji,” Yoohyeon was breathing hard, but her voice was a mix of worry and confusion. When Minji kept on staring at her cluelessly, Yoohyeon explained, “You’re crying.”

Oh.

And sure enough, now Minji felt how Yoohyeon’s fingers on her face were actually wiping the tears away.

“You know we don’t have to do anything you don’t want, right?” Yoohyeon asked, not shying away from Minji’s gaze to show her sincerity, even though Minji could see how the younger girl was feeling guilty in how she bit her lower lip and how her face crunched in apology.

“I know,” Minji was quick to reassure the girl, but saw how Yoohyeon didn’t look convinced. Minji took Yoohyeon’s hand that was on her face and kissed it. “I know.”

Yoohyeon seemed to relax at Minji’s gesture and settled next to her. “Then why are you crying?”

That was a good question, considering Minji didn’t even realize she was. Being with Yoohyeon was everything Minji had wanted for a long time. Yoohyeon did everything with so much passion, with her heart on her sleeve, and loving Minji was no exception. No matter what was going on in Minji’s head, she never once doubted Yoohyeon’s love for her. Even before the confession, Minji knew that had Yoohyeon not felt the same way as her romantically, that the younger girl would never love her any less.

That was why this hurt so much.

“I don’t know,” Minji replied honestly, looking away at the ceiling, wiping at her face in frustration.

“Hey, it’s okay,” Yoohyeon grabbed Minji’s hand and held it close to her, knowing how the older needed touch for comfort. “You’ve had a long day. And therapy?”

Minji froze at that, not having had to answer anything about therapy before, and she couldn’t if she wanted, so she settled for a half truth, “Difficult. It was difficult today…”

Yoohyeon mirrored Minji’s earlier gesture and kissed her hand, letting the other girl continue.

“I know it sounds like a bad excuse,” Minji expressed the only feeling she was sure about in this moment, “but I am just so tired.”

Yoohyeon went back to caressing Minji’s face, subtly moving Minji’s head to look at her, “I don’t need an explanation or an excuse. I always want to know how you feel. Whatever it is. So, if it’s tired, then it’s tired.”

And Yoohyeon was looking at her so softly, so openly, so trusting, and Minji couldn’t help the flood of affection that surged through her. Here she was giving Yoohyeon absolutely nothing, and Yoohyeon was still ready to receive it anyway.

“I love you,” Minji said softly. Three words, not at all difficult to say because it was an absolute truth for her. Minji loved Yoohyeon, and there was nothing that can change that because it was never a choice.

Idiot.

It was worth it just seeing the way Yoohyeon’s face lit up in content, a blush coating her cheeks. “I love you too,” Yoohyeon responded and brought her arms around Minji to hold her closer.

Fucking idiot.

Chapter Text

“Minji, don’t tell me you already forgot the choreography, it was just the last comeback,” Bora joked as she saw Minji’s struggle to mirror with her right arm the move she was doing perfectly with her left arm.

“Of course not,” Minji snapped harshly, surprising everyone.

The room immediately went silent at both the odd behavior, and in wait for Bora’s reaction; Bora was not one to let people talk down to her.

Bora raised an eyebrow at Minji, a silent ‘what the hell’ communicated between them.

Frustrated, Minji brought up a hand to her forehead to wipe the sweat and push her hair out of the way. “Let’s take a break,” Minji said tersely and headed out of the dance studio to the adjourning room without waiting for a response.

Bora right away made to follow, but several of the members quickly spoke up at seeing Bora’s quick reaction, worried about an impending argument if hot-headed Bora went after an obviously irritated Minji.

“Bora, wait!” Siyeon said, making to grab Bora’s arm to stop her.

“Unnie, maybe give her a few minutes,” Yoohyeon said, barely stopping herself from going after Minji.

Dami added, trying to keep the peace, “You know Minji unnie, she’s probably beating herself up about this already.”

Bora turned around to her members, and they were surprised to see that she didn’t look angry as they expected, but instead she looked concerned.

“I’m just gonna check on her,” Bora explained calmly, and the members nodded in relief.

“Minji, what happened o—” Bora trailed off as she entered the room, the door closing behind her. She found Minji clutching her right forearm, eyes shut tightly, her face pinched in pain.

“Minji!” Bora immediately rushed to Minji’s side.

“Bora…” Voice broken, eyes-filled with fear, Minji’s state sent Bora’s heart racing, anxiety bubbling up in her chest.

“Hey, hey, I’m here,” Bora wrapped one arm around Minji’s waist, “What is it?”

Bora looked down at Minji’s arm which was abnormally trembling.

“My arm… I can’t— It won’t stop,” Minji tried to explain, cradling her arm to her chest, as the spasms continued.

“Okay, it’s okay Minji. You’re okay. Let’s just get you to medical, alright?” Bora tried to keep her voice steady, despite feeling completely out of her depth, more knowledgeable about sprains, cuts, and even breaks from dancing, not what was currently happening.

Putting her free arm around Minji’s to support it more, Bora reassured, “It’s going to be okay.”

—

Minji had silent tears going down her face after explaining to the doctor about her arm and the level of pain she was in. Seeing Minji so rattled really shook Bora, and she wished she could engulf Minji in a hug to assure her but settled for holding Minji’s hand as the company doctor examined her arm.

“Did you fall down or hit your arm in anyway?” The doctor kindly asked.

Minji shook her head.

“SuA-ssi said you were at dance practice just now; did you make a move that suddenly started the spasms?”

Minji again shook her head, “No, but my arm was bothering me a bit since the morning, and it got worse throughout the day. And the shaking started,” Minji glanced at Bora apologetically and added, “till I couldn’t even do the choreo anymore.”

Bora wanted to hit herself over the head. She had noticed Minji’s struggle with the dance but hadn’t seen that the leader was in pain. Not only the dance, but Minji had been so uncharacteristically clumsy all day that the girls joked that Yoohyeon had transferred her curse to Minji. But of course, Yoohyeon proved them wrong right away by accidentally knocking her mug off the table, so Dami settled for ‘not a transfer’ but rather an infection. A conclusion that Bora had happily latched on to further tease Yoohyeon about not sleeping in their room the previous night. Bora had been busy with the usual joking around that she had completely missed Minji’s condition. Bora was usually so observant, but it seemed like she hadn’t been directing that towards the leader as much as she does towards the younger members; something she was regretting right now.

The doctor moved Minji’s arm around, applying pressure in different areas and getting Minji’s feedback on if she felt any change. The doctor frowned as he spotted something on Minji’s arm, but Bora wasn’t fast enough to see what it was before the doctor had continued his examination. It was only when the doctor compressed the outside of Minji’s forearm close to her elbow that they all saw the effect as Minji’s arm was suddenly still and Minji sighed heavily in relief as the pain let up. When the doctor let go, however, the spasms started again, albeit weaker.

“It looks like there’s a problem specifically in that area JiU-ssi,” the doctor explained as he sprayed and started to wrap a compression bandage around her forearm, “I’m going to wrap it for now so that it helps a bit with the pain, but we will have to go to the hospital to run some tests. It could just be extensor muscle fatigue, or tendon inflammation, but I’m concerned about how long these spasms are lasting, and we need to make sure it’s not damage to the nerves.”

Minji tensed up but Bora started rubbing circles on the back of her hand to keep her calm, the contact with Minji keeping herself grounded as well because Bora felt the galloping speed at which her heart took off at how serious this was getting.

“All done,” the doctor said as he finished the bandaging. “I’ll go talk to your managers to arrange everything. We’ll take care of you JiU-ssi, don’t worry,” the doctor assured before leaving the treatment room.

Bora now felt Minji’s entire body shaking from Minji trying to stop herself from crying. “Hey hey Minji, he said not to worry, I’m sure everything will be fine,” Bora hugged Minji, who buried her face in the crook of Bora’s neck, as Bora ran her hand up and down Minji’s back, barely managing to stop herself from crying too.

Despite the circumstances, Bora suddenly realized how much she missed hugging Minji. No matter how busy and gruelling their schedules were, both her and Minji always sought touch from others, and while Bora had been pestering the 5 other members, she realized that Minji hadn’t just been distant with her but everyone else. Surprisingly including Yoohyeon, even though the ‘years of affection culminating into budding relationship’ was a rather recent development and neither Minji nor Yoohyeon had been subtle with their PDA around them in the start.

—

“What’s going on? Is Minji unnie hurt?” Yoohyeon questioned as soon as Bora came out of the treatment room. Yoohyeon wasn’t doing anything to mask her worries, but neither were the other members in how they all quickly crowded Bora.

“Something is up with her arm, and the doctor is arranging to take her to the hospital to get it checked out,” Bora answered calmly, taking up her role as second eldest seriously, already marvelling at how as steady as a rock Minji always would be in these kinds of situations when Bora already wanted to crack at one question and show her own panic.

“Hospital? Why?” Siyeon asked in alarm.

“It’s hurting quite a bit, and there’s some muscle spasms, so the doctor just wants to make sure it’s nothing too serious.”

“Her arm? Is that why she’s been cl—” Dami started to ask and then trailed off at Bora’s nod; they had both made the same connection to Minji’s clumsiness.

Yoohyeon immediately started heading to the treatment room door but was stopped by Bora’s hand holding her back.

Bora took a deep breath, knowing an argument was about to ensue, “You can’t go in right now, Yooh.”

“What? Why?” Yoohyeon turned to face Bora incredulously.

“Now is just not a good time,” Bora explained weakly.

Yoohyeon furrowed her eyebrows in confusion, “What does that mean? She’s hurt and I want to see her.”

“We all do unnie,” Gahyeon reaffirmed.

“I know,” Bora sighed, “but you can’t right now.”

“Unnie you’re scaring me here,” Yoohyeon said, her eyes filling with tears, “What’s going on?”

Bora hated the position she was in because she knew she looked very irrational, but she also knew that Minji wouldn’t want anyone seeing her like this, and that she would try to look strong for them like she had been all day despite the pain she was in. It was only around Bora and Siyeon that Minji occasionally took off her leader hat and allowed herself to be genuinely vulnerable.

“We’re all gonna go to the hospital together anyway unnie, what’s the difference?” Handong questioned.

“I hate to bring this up,” their maknae manager spoke up, Bora hadn’t even noticed the girl was there, “but you have the radio show schedule in a couple of hours. You were all supposed to be already getting ready to head out soon.”

Bora impulsively wanted to say to cancel it, because who cared about a show when Minji was hurt, but the manager seemed to have read her mind because she added, “It’s a live show, you can’t cancel last minute.”

“What are we going to do?” Gahyeon asked, her stress reflecting everyone’s predicament.

“Shit, shit, shit,” Bora cursed in frustration, this day kept getting worse and worse. Bora breathed in, trying to regroup, “okay, then you guys go to the show, and I’ll go with Minji.”

The few seconds of silence after Bora’s suggestion was broken by Siyeon voicing what was on everyone’s mind, “Unnie… We can’t not have both you and Minji unnie.”

The eldest two were the extroverts who led the group at these kind of shows, Bora with her charms and keeping up the high energy, encouraging the others, including the hosts, to be more lively by bating them to keep up with her; and Minji with her charismatic answers and taking care of them with skillfully guiding the hosts to direct the questions to the member she knows would be most comfortable in answering them or interjecting when needed. So even in shows where the entire group wasn’t attending, either Minji or Bora were always present, a source of comfort that allowed the others to be more themselves even on live shows, confident the eldest members had their backs.

“I can go with Minji unnie, I’m not gonna be able to focus anyway and your presence is a lot more important,” Yoohyeon said rationally, trying to convince Bora.

“Same for me,” Dami seconded.

Bora shook her head, hating that this conversation was taking so long when she promised Minji she would be right back, “No no, this won’t work. I have to stay with Minji.”

“SuA-ssi, the show is with Wendy. You need to be there, you’re the one who knows her well and she will definitely be expecting you considering you’re probably a big part of why Dreamcatcher was invited,” the manager said regretfully.

“Of all people, Wendy would understand. I’ll call her right now to explain and apologize,” Bora answered, already pulling out her phone, but Siyeon grabbed her hand.

“Can I talk to you for a second?” Siyeon didn’t wait for an answer as she pulled Bora away from the group where they can’t hear them. “Why are you fighting Yoohyeon on this when you know we need you there? What aren’t you saying Bora?”

Bora sighed, “I have to go with Minji, you didn’t see her Siyeon, she is so scared.”

Siyeon frowned, “Because her arm hurts? Is it that bad?”

“I-I don’t know,” Bora pushed her hair away from her face in frustration, “she’s in a lot of pain, and it’s spasming very badly. It hasn’t stopped since we left the dance studio.”

“Oh my god…”

“But besides her arm, I’ve never seen her like this, especially about something that concerns herself,” Bora said, “Something is going on, and she asked me not to leave her alone. I can’t just…” Bora stopped so that she wouldn’t start crying as she already felt herself getting chocked up.

“Unnie then I’ll go with her,” Siyeon said.

“But—”

“No listen unnie, you have to be at the radio show because even if Wendy gets it, you know CEO will come down hard on all of us if we don’t put our best foot forward on such an important show. And Minji also probably wouldn’t let you stay the moment the managers mention it.” Siyeon said, “I know you’re worried about Minji closing up if the others see her, but she won’t with me, and you know I won’t leave her side.”

Bora took a deep breath, knowing that Siyeon had a point, but the anxiety of having to disappoint Minji when she’s this worried about her was eating at her.

“I know Siyeon, but we have to ask her, only if she’s okay with it,” Bora conceded, glad that Siyeon could easily read and empathize with her.

—

The shine on Minji’s face indicated to Bora that Minji had been crying while she was out. Bora quickly went to her side, and Minji buried herself in Bora’s arms, making Bora regret having left the leader alone, even if it was necessary that she updated the members who she knew would be outside worried.

Siyeon walked in more carefully; despite having been told of how Minji was by Bora, she was still taken back by how unwell Minji seemed.

“The car is ready, but listen Minji,” Bora said, “Siyeon is going to go with you to the hospital instead of me.”

Minji’s breath hitched, her body tensing, as she pleadingly said, “Bora… Please…”

Bora held Minji tighter, her head tilting upward, face scrunched at how her heart hurt with just how Minji said her name; she was ready to call the whole thing off, consequences be damned.

Siyeon looked equally distressed, and came closer, wanting to comfort both, but also needing to be closer to Minji, a protective instinct towards the vulnerable leader flaring in her.

“There’s the radio show with Wendy, the others are getting ready, but I don’t have to go—”

The shift was so devastatingly obvious, not just by Minji’s words, but how she started to pull away from Bora, taking a deep breath. “We can’t leave the kids alone,” even though her voice was thick with tears, Minji’s leader mode was coming back on. “You should both go.”

“No.” Bora said firmly, determined to put a stop to Minji putting a front, which was what Bora had been trying to prevent in the first place. “Either Siyeon goes, or I do. We are not leaving you alone Minji.”

“But this is important…” Minji tried to argue.

“So are you unnie. You’re more important than the show, and everyone wanted to come with you, but we made a commitment,” Siyeon replied, taking Minji’s hand, “Let me stay with you, okay? I’ve got you unnie.”

Minji shakily nodded to both Bora and Siyeon’s relief. They had both agreed that they wouldn’t try to convince Minji of taking Siyeon with her but would go with whatever Minji was comfortable with; but at least now they could support both Minji and the other members at the same time.

Chapter Text

User #5034: Suaaa why so sad queen?

User #1569: aw our Deukae look so lost without their leader

User #387: SuA is tired today? I hope she’s not getting sick too

User #4287: JiU unnie fighting!

User #926: Yoohyeon :( :( my poor baby I wanna give her a hug

User #2873: only DC content that won’t have a volume warning wow

When the group had arrived and Bora explained to Wendy why they were missing 2 members, Wendy had been so sympathetic, even offering to call someone from Red Velvet to come in instead, seeing how they were all very obviously stressed; and they were grateful but declined as they knew that by the time someone arrived, Wendy would’ve been stranded for half the show without a guest, and it was definitely not how they wanted to show their appreciation for her inviting them to the show.

They announced in the start that JiU was feeling under the weather and that Siyeon had stayed behind to keep the leader company. The fans were sad but full of well wishes for JiU and praises for Siyeon for missing such valuable airtime to take care of her team member. In an attempt to remove some of the pressure off the girls, Wendy has been making sure to share relatable anecdotes and ask them pointed questions rather than the prepared open-ended ones, that normally allowed the guests plenty of time to promote themselves and showcase their personalities.

Bora had tried her best to keep the group’s energy up, but there was only so much she can do to keep the hyped atmosphere going when all thoughts kept circling back to Minji. The girls were as professional as can be, engaging in conversation, giving thoughtful answers; bringing up JiU and Siyeon often so that the fans weren’t disappointed; Dami giving rapping tips to Wendy who said she always wanted to try, and some usual Bora teasing Wendy, bringing up how fans were starting to call them Wensua, making the live chat go crazy and making Wendy hide behind her script. They were perfect guests, but their long-time fans could tell the vibe was off, and some even asked how sick Minji was if they looked so worried, and Siyeon had to stay behind when they haven’t done that before.

During one of the commercial breaks, the girls were having light chat with Wendy, when their manager knocked on the window and signalled towards the cell phone in her hand, face impassive. Bora felt her breath catch and looked towards Wendy, who quickly nodded to Bora before she can even ask, and Bora smiled gratefully. Bora felt the members eyes on her as she left the recording room.

“It’s Siyeon-ssi,” the manager said.

Bora took a deep breath and kept her back to the window as she took the phone call in case it wasn’t good news.

“Siyeon? We are on air right now. Is everything okay?” Bora’s breath was coming in faster.

“I know, I know. Unnie, she’s okay! They’ve given her some injections and the spasms have stopped.”

“Oh, thank God,” Bora let out a heavy sigh of relief, “do they know what it’s from? Is there any nerve damage?”

“They haven’t found anything specific so far. They did a test for the muscles and that was clear. But they think it’s just temporary, maybe from repetitive strain from dancing.”

“Okay, okay, temporary is good. How’s Minji?” Bora asked hurriedly, knowing she shouldn’t be out for too long.

“She looks exhausted, but at least she was a lot calmer after the treatment and the doctors saying it’ll probably pass with rest and maybe physiotherapy. They are doing one more test now and we can go home after.”

Bora found herself smiling for the first time that night, she turned around to face the window and signalled with an empathetic thumbs up to the members, who despite the show being back from break where still keeping an eye on her. Her actions were mirrored with smiles of relief from the members.

“So, everything is okay and we’ll see you guys when you’re done. Now go show them what high tension really is. I don’t think I’ve seen you guys this nervous on a show since our rookie days.”

“Aw Singie, you’re watching?”

“Yoohyeon just spilled water on Wendy.”

Bora right away looked towards Yoohyeon, who in fact hadn’t spilled anything but was describing something animatedly.

“YAH!”

“Well, she’s about to at the rate she’s going. Her hand missed 3 times so far—wait four. You better go save the day.”

“Thank you for calling,” Bora said softly. They’re only halfway through the show and she didn’t know how they would’ve gotten through the rest of it if Siyeon hadn’t convince the manager to pull her out of a live broadcast to reassure them.

“Of course, now go get them queen.”

“Everyone, I’m back,” Bora announced with a dramatic twirl and bow.

Wendy greeted, “Ah SuA is here now. Welcome back!”

“Thank you, baby, hope you didn’t miss me too much,” Bora answered as she sat down.

“Baby? Me?!” Wendy asked, her voice raising in pitch, “We’re back to this again?”

 Sua’s signature laugh made an appearance for the first time that night, making the members laugh at how flustered Wendy got. Bora gave the members another reassuring smile, specially nodding at Yoohyeon and saw how the younger girl relaxed in her chair.

“Aish, this woman,” Wendy shakes her head with a smile, “Anyway, where were we? Ah Yoohyeon-ssi was explaining to us how to play the liar game.”

“Yoohyeon-ah is explaining it? I hope you like losing then WanD,” Bora joked.

“YAH!” Yoohyeon objected.

User #504: Wow did SuA really go for a coffee break?

User #7977: Sua is back and making @WanD blush within 10 secs, we love an efficient queen

User #265: Sua-unnie drop your coffee brand, I have exams and I need that kind of energy boost #giveSuaCoffeeCF

User #5428: Talk about a mood maker, do you see how the members are all smiles and jokes now that SuA is back and acting like herself again?

User #6633: Anyone else wishes Siyeon was here to react to this Wensua content? She would probably just go in on the teasing too haha

User #2873: Can’t believe that DC tricked me into raising the volume *ears bleeding* welcome back Deukae

—

“We’re home.”

Siyeon entered the apartment with Minji, with an arm wrapped around Minji’s waist. The members quickly stood up from where they were restlessly waiting.

Minji looked pale, her eyes drooping, leaning heavily on Siyeon. Yoohyeon had to restrain herself from rushing to them, the sight of Minji’s condition making her bring a hand to her chest, rubbing above her heart from the pain at having it suddenly speed up.

Gahyeon couldn’t stop herself, going to help Minji take off her jacket and her shoes so that Siyeon didn’t have to let go. Minji gave Gahyeon a tired smile and patted her head. With the jacket off, they could see that Minji’s arm was set in a brace that kept her arm straight.

“They gave her some muscle relaxants so she’s feeling a bit weak,” Siyeon explained, to ease the obvious worry on the girls’ faces.

“How are you feeling unnie?” Handong asked.

“I’m okay, the meds they gave are working well so I’m not feeling the pain anymore,” Minji said, her voice a bit hoarse, “I think I wanna shower and sleep though.” Minji was still in her practice clothes from earlier.

 Yoohyeon longed to touch Minji, the leader looked so fragile as if she would break at the slightest move, but something told her to hold off.

“Of course, shall we help you unnie?” Dami asked.

“Hmm no it’s okay, I think I can manage,” Minji replied, and seeing that no one seemed convinced, she reassured with a smile, “Really, I’ll leave the door unlocked and if I need something I’ll call for one of you.”

It seemed like everyone deferred to Bora, all looking at her waiting for her answer. Bora stared Minji in the eyes for a few seconds, then glanced at Siyeon who nodded.

“Don’t turn the water too hot,” Bora said making Minji give a small laugh of amusement.

Minji disengaged herself from Siyeon, giving her hand a grateful squeeze as she let go.

Seeing everyone still looked concerned, “Really guys I’m fine,” Minji reiterated, “Siyeon said you guys did great on the show, I’ll have to watch it tomorrow to see how Handong won the game!”

Handong blushed at the attention as the members laughed at remembering how Handong outwitted all of them and got to say the show’s closing remarks.

Yoohyeon was still not completely sold on Minji’s plan considering how shaky on her feet she looked and wanted to at least help Minji prepare her things and maybe offer help again. When Minji was passing by her, Yoohyeon offered her arm so that Minji could lean on her. Except Minji flinched and Yoohyeon thought that it was from the pain, but then Minji pulled away from Yoohyeon’s arm.

Flashback

Yoohyeon was always so full of energy after a concert. The crowds cheer still echoing in her ears along with the relief of a successful performance making her feel so alive. They had just finished their biggest concert yet, and the excitement was rampant in the air among all of them including the staff, everyone buzzing with seeing their hard work paying off.

Tonight, Yoohyeon was thrumming with so much energy that she felt like she would fall apart. Only her proximity to Minji was keeping her grounded, her arm linked with the leader’s as the Minji walked around backstage to thank the staff for all their work. Minji’s constant presence was proving to be as much a problem as it was calming though. Minji was so so beautiful, post-concert glow of sweat, happy tears, and triumphant smile looked good on her and Yoohyeon’s head was just full of the older woman. Minji. Minji. Minji.

Yoohyeon really shouldn’t be so mesmerized, but all that energy was making her hyper focused on Minji, everything around them a blur. Her thoughts begging her to do it, but Yoohyeon didn’t even know what it was specifically. Just that it probably had something to do with how long she’s been in love with Minji and keeping it in. But tonight, she was drunk on the post-concert rush, her heartbeat keeping a thundering rhythm, words trying to escape from the deep confines she kept them in. Yoohyeon both needed to stay with Minji and get away from her; the latter winning out as the fear of the consequences of what she might accidentally do tickled in.

Minji hadn’t even looked at her the entire time that Yoohyeon has been holding on to her, still constantly in motion, talking with the staff, making Yoohyeon idly appreciate how truly a team effort their work was. Feeling like she was probably slowing down the leader, Yoohyeon reluctantly started to pull away, trying to figure out where the other members had gone to; Bora, despite being the opposite of Yoohyeon, getting really calm—almost at peace after a concert, could probably be provoked into bringing Yoohyeon down to earth.

Surprisingly, Minji’s brought Yoohyeon arm closer to herself, not letting Yoohyeon pull away. Minji was still engaged in a conversation with the stylists, but the quick glance and smile towards Yoohyeon let her know that the move was deliberate. And if that wasn’t clear enough, Minji moved Yoohyeon’s hand from the crook of her elbow to intertwine Yoohyeon’s fingers with her own. Yoohyeon closed her eyes, and rested her head on Minji’s shoulder, letting herself drown in the leader’s presence instead of trying to get away. Why was she even trying, she already knew she was in too deep, and the waves were so much higher tonight and Minji’s hand now in hers was just pulling her further in.

Fingers lifting her chin up forced her to open her eyes, and Yoohyeon absently realized that the people Minji was talking to were now gone. She was met with Minji’s gaze boring into her.

“You doing okay?” Minji asked, tilting her head, eyes crinkling as she smiled at Yoohyeon looking back at her.

Yoohyeon’s heart skipped a beat and she wanted to roll her eyes at herself for being so whipped, she has literally seen Minji smile everyday for almost 10 years, how did it always take her by surprise and how does she make it last for a lifetime.

When Yoohyeon felt fingers pushing her hair behind her ear, she realized she hadn’t responded, and saw that adorable crinkle of concern on Minji’s face. Yoohyeon quickly nodded, not trusting herself to not say anything stupid.

“Did you want me to let go?” Minji asked jokingly, but Yoohyeon could also sense a hint of hesitation in how Minji tried to lightly ask.

“NO!” Yoohyeon answered too quickly, then blushed deep red at Minji’s curious gaze on her. “No,” Yoohyeon cleared her throat, “I’ve been clingy since we finished, thought you might appreciate not having to drag around a full-sized human.”

Minji laughed, and Yoohyeon was glad the others weren’t there to see the probably dopy look on her face at the action.

“Well, dragging a full-sized human is a lot of work,” Minji said, tapping her chin as if in contemplation, making Yoohyeon pout.

Minji laughed again, and Yoohyeon was waiting for the end of the joke, but Minji didn’t continue, as if something she was seeing on Yoohyeon’s face made the words die on her tongue. Yoohyeon started panicking if it was her doing, because with how the words were ringing in her head tonight, Yoohyeon wouldn’t be surprised if she had just said them out loud out of nowhere.

“Unnie?” Yoohyeon said in a small voice, and Minji shook her head lightly. Yoohyeon’s eyes unconsciously following her movement, how Minji pushed away her hair from her neck, how Minji’s throat bobbed as she swallowed, how Minji’s tongue wet her lips, how Minji’s eyes never broke contact with hers.

“But it’s no chore when it’s you,” Minji said so softly, so seriously, and Yoohyeon had to hold her breath to keep it all in. “I’ll hold on forever, so don’t let go, okay?”

End of Flashback

Minji pulled away from Yoohyeon’s arm, and Yoohyeon felt like she would fall apart. Only her proximity to Minji was keeping her grounded, because Yoohyeon was not going to start crying over something seemingly silly.

Not when Minji had such an awful day.

Not when everyone had been stressed all night.

Not when Minji hadn’t even looked at her the entire time.

Yoohyeon turned around knowing she wasn’t going to be able to mask her expression and was met with Handong’s sympathetic gaze.

“Yoohyeon-ah,” Minji must have already left the room, because Bora was talking to her, “I don’t think—”

“I know,” Yoohyeon interrupted, still trying to keep it together.

“No really, Yoohyeon,” Siyeon insisted, “Tonight was—”

“Awful, stressful, long. I know,” Yoohyeon said curtly, she didn’t need their words. She knew Minji. Minji was too sweet to hurt anyone deliberately. And she has seen how Minji was the night before, already so tired to the point of tears and that was even without the mess of today. Yoohyeon knew all this and wasn’t holding it against the leader. So why did it still hurt?

“Not just that,” Siyeon said, making Yoohyeon break out of her thoughts, and the others to look at her curiously. “She—”

“—Siyeon,” Bora’s warning interrupted her, “I don’t think that’s the best idea.”

“They need to know unnie. It’s one thing to keep the pressure away from Minji unnie in the moment, but now we need to explain,” Siyeon argued, “and when has keeping a secret ever done us any good?”

“But she wouldn’t want—”

“What’s going on? This isn’t exactly assuring for the rest of us,” Dami interrupted, frustration uncharacteristically clear in her voice. And Yoohyeon couldn’t blame her, anxiety was flaring in her chest.

Bora looked at the members worried faces, sighed and then nodded. So Siyeon relayed the night’s events for them, Bora adding her side of the events at the company. They were all surprised to hear about how terrified Minji was. Yoohyeon feeling her heart ache at how Minji didn’t want to be left alone, even at the hospital, that the doctors had to make some concessions to let Siyeon stay with her just to keep her calm.

Yoohyeon was both really wishing that Bora hadn’t insisted that she go to the radio show because she wanted to be there for Minji, but she was also glad that one of the older members was with her because Yoohyeon didn’t know if she would’ve been able to keep it together with Minji so distressed.

“They had to stop the nerve test because unnie had such a strong reaction. The doctor said it was highly unusual, that it was only a mild electric stimulus, and shouldn’t feel like anything more than tingling,” Siyeon said, “But Minji unnie looked like she was in so much pain, so he said they’ll follow up on that after a couple of days of treatment.”

Yoohyeon felt like she could throw up at the thought of Minji being this hurt.

“What could this be from?” Gahyeon asked in a small voice, looking between Siyeon and Bora, “She was fine yesterday after practice, right?”

“I really don’t know; we were with her most of the day yesterday. We would’ve seen if she got hurt,” Siyeon turned to Yoohyeon, “Did she seem okay when she came back last night? It was pretty late.”

Yoohyeon didn’t want to betray Minji’s trust, sharing moments that were between them, but also she didn’t want to hold back a piece of the puzzle if it would help them figure out what was going on.

Yoohyeon shook her head, making Bora instantly turn to her.

“Yoohyeon what?” Bora’s intensity held a note of panic, which was reflected on the other members’ faces, “Was she hurt? Why didn’t you say anything?”

Yoohyeon quickly shook her head again, “No, she wasn’t hurt. Not from what I’ve seen at least. But she was really out of it. I don’t think she was even fully there with me till we were in bed,” Yoohyeon hesitantly added, “But then she was crying… She said she didn’t know why, just that she was so tired.”

Yoohyeon hated how expressive most of the members faces are at the moment. Everyone taking in the news with pain in their eyes.

“Shit. This is… I’m getting worried,” Bora admitted, “She’s been so withdrawn, and we have no idea what is going on. Even the fans are starting to notice that Minji hasn’t been joining in on the activities as much.”

“This isn’t about work,” Dami reminded.

“I know,” Bora said, “But it is a big part of our lives, and Minji loves what we do, loves interacting with the fans. So for her to also be withdrawing from that makes it even more worrisome.”

Dami nodded.

“What do we do?” Gahyeon asked.

And that was the question on everyone’s mind. Yoohyeon felt like her head was going to explode, this day was too much.

“The only thing we can,” Siyeon answered, “be there for her. If she’s this tired, then we up our support with the Dreamcatcher duties. Until she opens up to us, we don’t have much of a choice.”

—

Bora went to Siyeon and Minji’s room to check if the latter had hopefully fallen asleep, only to find Minji sitting at the edge of her bed, her good elbow resting on her knee, side of her head resting on her hand.

“Minji you okay?” Bora asked softly as to not startled her.

It didn’t seem like Minji heard her, so Bora went closer. When the leader still hadn’t seen her, Bora kneeled in front of her so that they were at eye level.

“Minji?” Bora said, a hand on Minji’s knee effectively snapping Minji’s head up towards Bora.

Bora hated how red-rimmed Minji’s eyes were, how lost she looked.

“You’ve been here for quite some time, thought you would’ve been asleep by now,” Bora said.

“Oh, I didn’t realize,” Minji responded, shaking her head lightly as if forcing herself to focus on Bora.

“Well, the rest of us were gonna watch a drama. The kids were too hungry to go to sleep, so I made a round of ramen. Do you wanna maybe join us then since you’re still up?”

Bora thought Minji would pass considering how tired she looked, but Minji quickly nodded. Bora made a note in her head to keep Minji company the next few days since Minji still didn’t want to be left alone.

“Great, I’m sure that will help everyone settle down,” Bora said as they walked out of the room.

But Minji stopped, and Bora followed her eyesight and saw what caused Minji’s hesitation. Yoohyeon was sitting at the left side of the small couch, playing on her phone. The spot next to her, that normally belonged to Minji, the only vacant one that is not on the floor.

Bora hesitated, “We can ask someone to switch seats if that’ll make you more comfortable.” Bora didn’t know why Minji acted so coldly towards Yoohyeon earlier, if she even realized it, but Bora also didn’t want to add unnecessary stress to her tonight.

Minji quickly shook her head, “No… I just— she’s probably angry with me.”

So Minji did know what she did. Bora sighed, “She’s not angry, more confused and worried.”

“I don’t know if she’ll want me to sit next to her,” Minji confessed in small voice.

“Minji, she’ll always want you by her side. She’s been so worried about you all night that I wanted to throw her out of the car,” Bora said half-jokingly, “She only really calmed down when she saw you herself. So, stop thinking and go sit next to your girl okay?”

Minji smiled gratefully and let Bora lead her in, the other members perking up at seeing her.

Stripped of the whole day’s grime, hair half dry, Minji looked so much younger than she usually appeared; a stark reminder to them that even if Minji was their ever-reliable, fiercely protective, unconditionally loving leader, Minji was still so young and vulnerable to the burdens of the world.

“Unnie!” Gahyeon greeted in a high pitch, making Dami next to her cover one ear, “can we watch our drama now? I’ve been really trying not to watch it without you.”

Minji laughed lightly, “Sure Gahyeon-ah, if the others are okay with it.”

Gahyeon raised a fist in triumph, making Minji shake her head in amusement at the youngest’s antics.

Yoohyeon was still occupied on her phone when Minji made it to the couch, but still hesitated to sit. Minji cleared her throat and Yoohyeon looked up, a smile of pleasant surprise making it to her face.

“Can I…?” Minji asked sheepishly, pointing to the spot.

Yoohyeon looked slightly confused, but nevertheless answered, “Of course unnie.”

Minji sat stiffly next to her, and Yoohyeon couldn’t stand the awkwardness between them.

“I…” Minji turned to look at her, “Earlier, I didn’t m—”

Sensing the upcoming apology, Yoohyeon quickly interrupted, “Minji just come here.”

Yoohyeon opened her arms, slightly scared that Minji wouldn’t take the offer, but Minji’s face brightened, and she settled herself at Yoohyeon’s side, head resting on Yoohyeon’s chest, braced arm on her stomach. It wasn’t their normal positions, with usually Yoohyeon cuddling against Minji, but Yoohyeon smiled widely anyway, glad to have Minji close to her.

Chapter Text

For a moment I was gone
Speed of light into the red dawn
In this space, do I belong?
It's dark out here in my own thoughts

—

She fucked up.

The thought that she could have sustained a permeant injury plunged Minji under a sea of panic, where the voices she tried to silence were the strongest.

She fucked up.

The physical pain reached in to tug on the festering wound in her heart, rapidly consuming her will to fight.

Every tremble of her arm a reminder of her failure.

Failure as a leader.

Failure as a member.

Failure as a friend.

Failure as a lover.

She was useless to the group if her arm was permanently damaged. Everything she had gone through, was going through, would’ve been for nothing.

“Do you want to have another Minx end on your hands?”

Her arm spasmed more.

She fucked up—

“—Minji,” Bora’s voice a ray of light in the ocean’s darkest depth.

Why didn’t she try harder?

Circles drawn on the back of her hand. Bora. Bora was there.

“—everything will be fine.”

Was she really so selfish as to put herself above her members?

Bora’s arms around her were pulling on her. Minji blindly moved closer, grasping at anything that can save her.

She was going to lose them.

“—I’ve got you Minji,” Bora’s voice was getting clearer, the light was getting brighter.

“I’m with you unnie,” Siyeon’s resolution a lifeline, pulling her closer to the surface.

Bora and Siyeon gave her enough strength to call out for help. The fear that had taken over, manifested outwardly in begging Bora to not leave her, in crying when Siyeon was asked to wait outside. Minji knew she must look irrational, scaring them even, but neither Bora nor Siyeon hesitated to reach out to her anyway.

Siyeon pinching the back of her hand anchored her in the moment enough so that she can answer the doctors.

The tiny pins they put in her arm only slightly hurting when following the movements the doctors instructed her to do. The doctor smiled when he told her muscles were fatigued, but otherwise healthy.

Minji could finally a take a breath, but it stuttered when she saw the set up of the next test. Minji squeezed her eyes shut, the bile already rising up her throat when they applied the electrode patches to her arm.

This would hurt.

She was in the hospital. This was a routine test.

Siyeon was once more at her side, “I’m right here unnie. It’s just the test for the nerves, it doesn’t hurt the doctors said.”

Siyeon was there. It wouldn’t hurt. Siyeon was there. Siyeon was th—

Minji felt the pain from the shock travelling right from her arm straight to her heart.

Yo—

“—Unnie.”

Siyeon was there. But it hurt.

“It’s okay unnie, you’re okay,” Siyeon’s hand was on her face. And when Minji opened her eyes, she was staring right into Siyeon’s familiar ones.

“Siyeon…” Minji sobbed out.

She always had this backup plan in her mind. That Bora or Siyeon, or any of her members, could save her. So why didn’t—

“They stopped the test, they won’t continue it,” Siyeon said, “It wasn’t supposed to hurt.” The anger in Siyeon’s voice at the last part calmed her down.

Siyeon was there.

“I’m right here unnie,” Siyeon’s assurance a hand breaking the water surface to grab hers.

“Unnie, let me,” Gahyeon’s help a second hand pulling on hers till air filled her lungs.

“How are you feeling unnie?” Handong’s question a strength that heaved her body completely out of the water.

“Shall we help you unnie?” Dami’s offer a rock steadying her feet on solid ground.

“Don’t turn the water too hot,” Sua’s care a blanket around her shivering body.

Yoohyeon’s support the welcome back home she longed to hear.

Except before she reached her, a sudden current of pain made Minji flinch.

Yoohyeon’s support an arm threatening to push her back in.

Minji pulled away from Yoohyeon’s arm, and she felt like she would fall apart.

Yoohyeon.

Yoohyeon.

Yoohyeon turned away, and Minji’s feet carried her further from the home she just turned herself away from.

Yoohyeon.

Yoohyeon.

Yoohyeon.

With both feet firmly on the ground, the image of Yoohyeon’s crestfallen face was the jumpstart Minji needed to fight back. Even if Minji couldn’t fight for herself, she would always fight for Yoohyeon. She had promised herself from the start that she wouldn’t let anything affect the love she had for Yoohyeon.

She was only hurting Yoohyeon.

Minji may have been failing spectacularly in every department; but her love for Yoohyeon, even if Minji had to let her go, her love for Yoohyeon would never change. She wasn’t going to let herself associate Yoohyeon’s presence with pain.

How long could she keep going in a circle before she crashed to the ground?

“Minji?” Bora’s touch snapped her out of the internal struggle.

“Do you want to maybe join us?” Minji quickly agreed to Bora’s offer. The members probably didn’t know it, but they were still louder than the thoughts in her head, clouding them away. But with every step away from her members, whether because she pulled away or because they gave her space, the thoughts gained ground in their attempts to drown her.

Yoohyeon’s smile triggered a burst of joy her chest. It was a small win, but she would take it.

“Minji just come here.” Yoohyeon’s request the welcome back home she fought for. With Yoohyeon’s steady heartbeat under her ear, the members’ chattering in the background, it wasn’t so hard to breathe anymore.

——

It wasn’t that Minji didn’t know that she was shutting her members out. It wasn’t that she didn’t know that they were worried about her, that they were trying to be there for her without pressuring her. It was just that Minji didn’t really have a choice.

But the incident with her arm had left her mind in even more chaos than before, and Minji didn’t know what she should do.

She needed to give Yoohyeon more. She needed to be a better leader. She needed to let Yoohyeon go. She needed not to hurt Yoohyeon. She needed to do what’s best for Dreamcatcher. She needed to be what her members deserved.

With too many things pulling at her, and no one she could talk to, Minji’s only outlet was music. While she was in turmoil about her abilities as a leader, Minji was perfectly comfortable in her roles as vocalist and dancer. Whenever she was practicing or recording, she would get completely absorbed in the task; hours passing by before she would realize. They’ve become an escape for her, and it didn’t hurt that she could see her efforts paying off. The producers praising her vocals, the choreographers impressed with her sharper lines, the CEO happy with what he called her ‘reawakened devotion’. The last one stung more than complimented because she always thought she put in a 110% to the group.

And since Minji was never the kind of person to hold on to her thoughts, her emotions for so long, she found another outlet in song writing. The unsaid words ringing in her head. Sometimes it was just a few lines, sometimes it was just the melody, sometimes the producers gave her some tips on assembling instrumentals, sometimes it was a full page of a disjointed conversation with herself that end up grabbing the attention of an unexpected person.

Minji was so concentrated on scribbling in her notebook, repeating the verse again in hopes of finding a conclusion, that she didn’t notice that someone was next to her.

“What are you working on?” the question made Minji jump in surprise, then immediately stand up and bow, “Sunmi-sunbaenim, sorry I didn’t see you there.”

Sunmi waved her apology off, a smile on her face, “I’m the one sorry for startling you, didn’t realize you were so engrossed.”

“No, no sunbaenim. It’s okay,” Minji said nervousness seeping in her voice. It wasn’t the first time she was meeting Sunmi; it wasn’t even the first time talking to Sunmi today, but it was still hard to stay completely composed when one of the people they all looked up to so much was right in front of her, addressing her directly.

“I brought you a smoothie,” Sunmi gestured to one of the drinks in her hand, “you said you weren’t hungry and skipped the lunch, but I wasn’t sure if it was because of a diet. I hope you like strawberries.”

Minji bowed in gratefulness at Sunmi’s consideration, and took the smoothie she offered, “Thank you sunbaenim, that’s very thoughtful of you. And no, no diet, just not used to eating at this time of the day, we usually have practice.”

 Sunmi sat down on the staircase steps where Minji originally was, gesturing for Minji to do the same. Minji obliged, but her posture was stiff, not sure how to act in this setting. She had taken refuge to this staircase by a large window to quell her nerves after the morning had left her feeling out of sorts.

Thanks to their enthusiastic fans, Jiu took first place in a survey conducted by Dazed magazine and was invited in for an interview and photoshoot to accompany the article. To Minji’s surprise, Sunmi was present on site when Minji arrived, being the cover model for the upcoming issue. When Sunmi’s meeting ran long delaying Minji’s meeting with the producer, Sunmi personally apologized to Minji and her manager for keeping them waiting. Minji was just ecstatic to meet Sunmi, bowing and expressing her admiration for the senior artist, all the while looking forward to getting to tell Yoohyeon about the turn of events later; especially that Sunmi asked how Yoohyeon was doing, recalling the younger idol and her letter from their last promotional overlap.

“Relax Jiu-ssi, you can be comfortable with me,” Sunmi radiated an unexpected calming energy given her stature. Minji couldn’t help but return Sunmi’s kind smile.

“We haven’t gotten a chance to talk much with all the discussions with the producer and stylists,” Sunmi started.

“It’s been a busy morning. I just wanted to say I’m very grateful to have this chance to meet and talk to you sunbaenim,” Minji said sincerely.

Minji meeting Sunmi hadn’t ended at the initial greetings. Sunmi was shooting a multiple page editorial that required a lot of style and set changes, and Minji ended up overlapping with her in the schedule as they shared the same stylist. Sunmi had extended an invitation to Minji to join her since Minji would have quite the waiting times and Sunmi would also appreciate the company. Minji had of course accepted the invitation and had a pleasantly comfortable conversation with Sunmi.

But despite Sunmi being the friendliest artist Minji has met, watching Sunmi’s photoshoot, how she effortlessly posed, how the air around her changed, how her features assembleded to stare down the camera as if it was second nature, was intimidating. Minji knew such a display was from years and years of practice, but she couldn’t help but feel inadequate for her upcoming shoot. Recurring insecurities and the pressure to best represent Dreamcatcher as their leader left Minji with a racing heartbeat, a bout of nausea had her immediately turn down the offered lunch and escape to somewhere she could calm down.

“What were you working on?” Sunmi repeated her first question, gesturing to the notebook forgotten on the step between them.

“Oh, nothing specific,” Minji started, eager to dismiss the topic. But Sunmi was looking at her so encouragingly that Minji found herself confessing, “I got a bit overwhelmed, and writing— It—It’s just been helping me process things.”

“I do that too, that’s where almost all my lyrics come from,” Sunmi shared with a disarming smile. “You don’t have to of course, but may I?” Sunmi gestured to the notebook again.

Instead of panicking at the request, Minji found herself calmly nodding, her sense of self-preservation no where to be seen.

The smile on Sunmi’s face slowly fell, eyelids fluttering as she brought the notebook closer to her as she continued reading. But Minji wasn’t watching Sunmi, she was staring out of the window at the sky outside, finding calm in the way some rays from the sun broke through the clouds and the knowledge that her thoughts were in Sunmi’s hands.

“Jiu-ssi,” Sunmi called her name, voice choked with emotion. Sunmi’s face a mask of surprise as she just stared at Minji, notebook held to her chest.

“Minji. My real name is Kim Minji, sunbaenim,” Minji found herself saying, waiting for something.

“Kim Minji,” Sunmi said the name slowly as if testing it, her lips then breaking into a soft smile, “I’m Lee Sunmi. I think we will get along well.”

The last of the anxiousness left her as Minji found the recognition that she didn’t know she was looking for in Sunmi’s eyes.

Chapter Text

“That looked much better everyone! The timing was perfect in the line formation,” Bora praised as she stopped the music before the song replayed, then turned to the leader, “Minji will you now please take it down a notch?”

“Or ten,” Siyeon grumbled as she reached for her towel, making the younger members snicker.

“Bora, I’m fine,” Minji assured, staying in her spot, not even reaching for water like the other members were quick to.

Yoohyeon didn’t understand why Minji wouldn’t listen to them. Practically hitting every move of their choreography with a performance level intensity, Minji was definitely not following the doctors orders to not overwork her body. Even though they told her she didn’t need to go so hard, they all still had to take more group breaks than they would have just to get her to slow down.

Bora pinched her nose in frustration, “You’re fine now, but you are already going to physiotherapy. We don’t want a repeat injury.”

“I have been resting, and I don’t have any pain,” Minji explained kindly.

Yoohyeon sighed but didn’t contradict Minji’s words with how if it hadn’t been for the members’ absolute refusal, and Yoohyeon (a bit unfairly) using Minji’s inability to say no to her against her, Minji would have gone right back to dance practice only 3 days after she was in the hospital. And even in the meanwhile, she had multiple scheduled events, vocal training, and was at the company as much as all the members were, half observing their performance and half working in the studio. So Minji might have rested her arm, but she was definitely not resting.

“I know you’re worried, but really I feel fine. I already missed a week; I’m just trying to catch up.”

Gahyeon snorted, bent over at the waist, trying to catch her breath, “Oh you’re plenty caught up unnie.”

Handong smirked, “You doing alright there Gahyeona?”

Gahyeon narrowed her eyes at the older member, making Handong laugh.

Frantic knocking on the door interrupted before they could continue the discussion, then one of their managers came running into the practice room.

“What is it?” Minji asked in concern as she moved to his side as he tried to catch his breath. Yoohyeon absentmindedly appreciated how much Minji cared about their staff.

“Sunmi… CEO… here…” The manager gasped out.

The girls all looked at him in confusion.

“Just breathe first, oppa,” Minji said.

The manager shook his head, and took a deep breath, “Sunmi is here, she and the CEO are coming. Here. Now.”

“WHAT?” Yoohyeon yelled out, “what do you mean Sunmi is here? They’re coming to the practice room? I look like shit!”

Yoohyeon moved to the mirror, re-tying her hair, and trying to look more presentable somehow with layers of sweat from hours of dancing. There was no reason she could think of that Sunmi would be here

Bora snorted, “Great priorities Yoohyeon.”

“Minji unnie, do you know anything about this?” Siyeon asked.

Minji shook her head, looking contemplative, but the door opened at the same time, their CEO and Sunmi walking in.

Yoohyeon squeaked, and Handong elbowed her to urge her to stay calm.

“Sunbaenim!” Minji greeted with a confused smile, “This is a surprise.”

Sunmi’s gaze locked on Minji, a teasing smile adorning her face as she replied, “A good one I hope.”

Minji nodded eagerly, “Of course sunbaenim!”

“It’s good to see you again, Minji,” Sunmi said softly, before turning to the members and greeting them, “It’s been a while since I’ve last seen you girls. A year ago, was it?”

Yoohyeon was first taken aback by how casual Sunmi was addressing Minji, real first name and all, but then Yoohyeon clutched tight on Handong’s arm from excitement. The older girl patted her hand with an amused smile.

The members enthusiastically bowed back. Yoohyeon confirming that it has been that long with, “Yes sunbaenim, 11 months!”

Yoohyeon could see her members wide taunting smiles at the borderline obsessive response, and she internally groaned at the teasing she would be getting later, but she forgot all about that when Sunmi responded.

Sunmi smiled kindly, “Ah Yoohyeon-ssi, of all the juniors you always make me feel so special with your attentiveness,” Sunmi then added with a slight pout, “But I guess I shouldn’t expect a letter today with the unannounced visit, right?”

Yoohyeon flushed red at the comment, and at Sunmi remembering who she was. Hiding behind Handong’s shoulder, she answered in a small voice, “I did write one to send with Jiu unnie, in case she saw you again.”

This made Sunmi laugh heartily, “I’ll be sure to receive it well then.”

Yoohyeon nodded ecstatically, adoring eyes targeted at Sunmi.

Sunmi turned back to the leader, moving closer so that she was next to her, “Minji, how’s you arm? I hope you’re still taking it slow,” Sunmi asked, eyes trailing to Minji’s brace-free arm with a frown.

“Oh,” Minji unconsciously moved a hand to said arm, “It’s good sunbaenim, the doctor said I can go back to dance practices—”

“—But not over do it,” Bora interjected with an exasperated mumble. Yoohyeon wanted to coo at how cute Bora has been, acting like she was the eldest when it came to Minji’s wellbeing. Understandably though, they all felt the same; including the youngest, who had dotted on Minji, grabbing anything Minji could need before she got up to do it herself.

Sunmi chided with a hand on Minji’s shoulder, “You need to give yourself time to recover Minji-ya so that it doesn’t get worse. You want to be at a 100% for the comeback, no?”

Feeling like she was in a different universe, Yoohyeon just stared open mouthed at the scene and was glad she wasn’t the only one considering the couple of intrigued eyebrow quirks she spotted on the other members’s faces.

Minji nervously scratched at her arm, “Yes sunbaenim. I’ll do my best.”

Sunmi squinted her eyes at Minji, not looking convinced.

“So Jiu-ssi,” the CEO finally spoke up, changing the topic, “Sunmi-ssi was telling me she was very interested in a song you wrote and would like to record it?” the CEO asked in puzzlement that was immediately mirrored on the members faces, other than Minji.

Yoohyeon stared at Minji with bulging eyes because Minji did not mention anything about a song when she recounted meeting Sunmi. Yoohyeon might have asked a 100 questions about how Sunmi was like and Minji entertained her by answering her random fangirling inquiries.

“I have to say, it’s an entirely selfish request of me, and I’m putting you on the spot here Minji, but I would really love to produce and sing this song,” Sunmi said.

The CEO quickly replied with a big smile, enthralled just like everyone else by Sunmi. “Of course, Sunmi-ssi. It would be an honor!”

“It’s her song, she’s the one who has to agree,” Sunmi replied, barely sparing the CEO a glance, maintaining her eyes solely on Minji.

Yoohyeon watched the interaction with interest, but Minji’s next words sent her head snapping towards her in disbelief.

“Well… I kinda had Yoohyeon’s voice in mind for this one if it ever happened,” Minji answered, with a bit of regret interjected in her tone.

“Unnie!”

“Jiu-ssi!”

Both the members and their CEO exclaimed in shock.

Sunmi threw her head back in a laugh, and Yoohyeon, who was still staring at Minji (because what the hell was Minji turning down such a request for?), turned her head towards the sound, both glad that the idol was not offended by Minji’s response and just again mesmerized by Sunmi.

Sunmi returned her gaze to Minji, taking more than a few seconds to look at her, almost as if trying to read what’s going on in her mind, but Minji received it head on.

“Well, if Yoohyeon-ssi doesn’t mind sharing,” Sunmi threw a coy smile towards Yoohyeon. Yoohyeon had to restrain herself from squealing out loud at the attention.

Sunmi looked back at Minji, a challenging smile on her face, “Then maybe a collaboration? I’m sure the three of us could come up with something that you would find agreeable.”

“I don’t mind sharing!” Yoohyeon blurted out, earning an amused eyebrow quirk from Sunmi, and a bemused look from Minji.

Bora had to move behind Siyeon to conceal the laugh that is threatening to come out. Siyeon’s face was a mask of stoic professionalism, but her chest was shaking from the laughter she was keeping in.

“I MEAN COLLABORATING! I would love to… collaborate,” Yoohyeon ended weakly, flushing at the embarrassing response and her members barely concealed reactions. It seemed like her brain couldn’t function properly in Sunmi’s presence.

Handong’s slow, deep breath intake was in lieu of a facepalm, which Dami actually did then tried to cover the move as pushing her hair out of her face. Gahyeon who had been looking back and forth between Sunmi and Minji with silent scrutiny, was now shaking her head at Yoohyeon’s panic.

“Great!” Sunmi responded to Yoohyeon with an approving smile, and turned towards Minji with a more serious, but soft tone, “I really want to do this song, Minji-ya. I already told you how much I loved the lyrics, but I realized later that maybe you didn’t know that it was a genuine offer to collaborate.”

The CEO looked like he wanted to say something but held himself back. Yoohyeon, on the other hand, was throwing puppy eyes at Minji, hoping the latter heard her internal pleas to agree.

Bora rolled her eyes at Yoohyeon’s obviousness, but Yoohyeon ignored her (because who cared if she was, it was a collaboration with SUNMI).

It looked like Yoohyeon’s pleas were heard when Minji smiled back at Sunmi, “You drive a hard bargain, sunbaenim.”

“I’m quite persistent about the things I like,” Sunmi replied, eyes locked on Minji’s, who had a blush creeping up her neck. “Also, I told you, you can call me unnie. I approached your company about this song myself, hoping to show you how I wanted us to get closer.”

Now Yoohyeon loved, like really loved loved Sunmi. Nothing in the world has ever changed that. But the way Sunmi was looking at Minji got a certain feeling bubbling in her chest. Especially that Minji has also been returning the action, as if Sunmi was not their senior, but a close acquaintance. Yoohyeon was getting the feeling that she was missing something.

“Then I wouldn’t want to disappoint you unnie,” Minji responded with a bright smile, “if CEO-nim agrees, then I would love to do this collaboration.”

“Of course, of course!” The CEO was quick to answer.

The other members cheered ecstatically, high fives coming at Yoohyeon from multiple directions, but she was too busy being shocked to return. Sunmi laughed in amusement at the enthusiasm and the CEO shook his head in at the antics.

The CEO continued, “The girls have excellent teamwork, and Yoohyeon-ssi has a beautiful voice that I think would complement yours quite nicely Sunmi-ssi.”

“Oh Minji made sure I knew how beautiful Yoohyeon and Siyeon-ssi’s voices are,” Sunmi replied teasingly, “actually, how talented everyone here is. You are all so lucky to have a committed leader who does not hesitate to promote her group even during a photoshoot.”

Minji looked down sheepishly at both being exposed and at the way all the girls were looking at her in complete amazement.

“Ah yes, nobody loves Dreamcatcher more than our Jiu-ssi here,” the CEO replied. Yoohyeon frowned when she noticed how Minji looked away at the statement instead of breaking into what the fans call “proud mom” look as she usually would.

“It’s very admirable,” Sunmi looked at the members then with a kind smile added, “So if all goes well with this song, maybe we can work together more in the future. I have to admit I might have gone into a bit of a youtube spiral after meeting Minji,” Sunmi said bashfully, pushing her hair behind her ear. “And you’re all really unbeatable when it comes to variety shows. Especially Sua-ssi.”

Bora flushed red at the statement along with the members being left speechless at Sunmi’s words. Yoohyeon felt like she could just faint from how fast her heart was beating. Her favorite idol was watching their videos. Yoohyeon was quickly trying to remember if there was any particularly embarrassing ones, and really hoped that Sunmi didn’t see some of the clips that were fan-favorites, because even the fans would admit (and loved) how their group was very chaotic off stage.

But it was also not lost on Yoohyeon that Sunmi looked into them because of her meeting with Minji. It seemed like Minji for some reason really downplayed her encounter with Sunmi. Yoohyeon tried not to overthink this at the moment but couldn’t help the sliver of doubt that wormed its way into her heart.

Sunmi looked back at Minji, “I’m really hoping we continue to get along well Minji-ya.”

With her signature brighter than the sun smile, Minji responded, “Of course, unnie.”

Sunmi looked at somewhere behind the group, where her manager was indicating to her with the watch on his hand.

“Looks like I have to leave now,” Sunmi said regretfully, and turned to the CEO, “but my agency will be in contact to discuss the details with your company.”

“Thank you for taking the time out of your busy schedule to stop by Sunmi-ssi,” the CEO said with a bow, “we are honored that you want to work with our small group—”

“Definitely not a small group,” Sunmi interrupted, “They’ve had quite the accomplishments and you should all be proud of that.”

The members cooed at the praise they received from such an influential senior, bowing multiple times in appreciation. Yoohyeon felt like she could just die happy right this moment.

“Yes of course, our Dreamcatchers have worked very hard,” The CEO responded smiling at each member in pride, “Please let me walk you out.”

Sunmi nodded and turned back to Minji with a dazzling smile, “Minji I already have your phone number so I’ll be in touch for when we should meet to discuss things.”

Yoohyeon turned open-mouthed to Minji at this news, another thing Minji neglected to mention.

Sunmi continued, “I will see you soon then Minji. And Yoohyeon-ssi. I can’t wait to start working on this.”

Handong had to elbow Yoohyeon to respond to Sunmi instead of just staring at her with heart eyes.

“Uh yes Sunmi-sunbaenim, me too—US too! Thank you!” Yoohyeon bowed deeply and was glad her hair would hide her blush.

Minji shook her head in amusement at Yoohyeon’s actions and also thanked Sunmi but with a more graceful bow.

“It was nice meeting you all,” Sunmi said to the members, who all returned the words.

Everyone was silent till Sunmi, the CEO, and the managers stepped out of the practice room; then the chaos broke out, directed at Minji who looked unprepared to deal with the (expected) reaction.

“What the hell, Unnie?”

“Who knew you were this cool Minji?”

“Unnie did you seriously promote us to Sunmi?”

“Just wow… What did you do to get a first-rate idol to look up our variety shows?”

“Minji-unnie really said ‘I’mma do it myself’.”

“I’m going to sing with Sunmi-sunbaenim!”

The last one stopped the onslaught of praises towards Minji, as Yoohyeon was still staring longingly at the door Sunmi left through. Bora hit her over the back of the head to snap her out of it, but it barely fazed the younger girl.

Siyeon snorted this time, “Looks like you’ve been replaced unnie.”

“RIP Jiyoo. Gone too soon,” Gahyeon said as she dramatically wiped away non-existent tears.

“Maybe you should reconsider Minji,” Bora teased. “She’s going to be insufferable about this.”

“DON’T YOU DARE,” Yoohyeon turned towards Bora, then urgently, towards Minji, more beggingly, “Don’t you dare.”

Minji laughed, “Don’t worry Yoohyeon-ah, I didn’t try to get Sunmi to offer a singing collaboration, just to back out now,” then Minji added to the teasing, “even if it looks like you’re ready to leave Dreamcatcher to live your actual dream of being a full-time Sunmi stan.”

Yoohyeon pouted at the teasing.

“So cool,” Gahyeon said while staring at Minji in awe.

“But also, unnie? Who turns down Sunmi?” Dami asked.

Siyeon nodded, “What if she had gotten offended and left?”

Minji shrugged, “She fell in love with the song as soon as she read the lyrics, that she offered to produce it for me on the spot. When I told her I didn’t want to sing it, she said she would love to, but,” Minji looked down sheepishly, rubbing the back of her neck, “I really didn’t think she was serious.”

The members stared at Minji in silent shock.

“What is this song and why have we not seen it?” Bora asked curiously, a sentiment echoed by the rest of the group.

Minji was always happy to show them what she was working on and to get their thoughts on it. And this seemed like a big one Yoohyeon guessed if it garnered that much interest from Sunmi on first read.

At that Minji seemed to get a bit less forthcoming, shuffling on her feet, “Just something I was working on during the breaks at the shooting. It wasn’t supposed to become anything, but Sunmi asked what I was writing…”

Handong responded encouragingly, “It sounds like it’s a great one unnie. She obviously really meant what she said about wanting to sing the song if she was willing to come all the way down here herself.”

“Once I saw here, I realized how much she actually wanted the song. Besides from the conversation I had with her she seemed too nice to be offended at being turned down. At least she obviously wasn’t after I apparently ignored a real offer,” Minji joked, exasperated at herself.

“That was risky unnie,” Yoohyeon said, “I appreciate the gesture. REALLY really appreciate it, but you didn’t have to try to include me just because I’m a big Sunmi fan when this was an amazing opportunity for you.”

“I didn’t ‘include’ you, Hyeon. Sunmi has heard your voice and she wouldn’t have offered the collaboration if she didn’t think you would mesh well together. She knows her power and knows the CEO wouldn’t have actually let me turn her request down, and she still offered to collaborate. So, you really earned this yourself,” Minji blushed at her unplanned speech, “I just did some promoting.”

Yoohyeon was looking at Minji like she hung the stars in the sky. The way Minji believed in her abilities, even when Yoohyeon was doubtful of herself, always lifted her up. Minji’s humbleness was not a surprise anymore, even when such a big collaboration was all due to Minji’s talents, she was quick to chalk it off.

“When will someone get me a collaboration with my favorite artist?” Bora sighed dramatically.

“When will someone get me just a meeting with Wendy who they see a couple of times a week?” Siyeon responded with a challenging raised eyebrow.

Bora turned to Minji, with a mocking glare, as if she wasn’t the one that started the joke, “You’re raising the standards too much here Jiu-ssi.”

Minji laughed heartily at the exchange.

The fondness Yoohyeon has for the leader threatened to physically break out in this urge to kiss Minji; but Yoohyeon had to settle for attaching herself to Minji’s side with a tight hug, mindful of how Minji had gotten about PDA at the company. Even when they were just with the group like now, or even completely alone.

Minji hadn’t out right said it, but Yoohyeon had sensed how Minji one day started to be uncomfortable and had decided to ask her about it and Minji reluctantly admitted she would prefer it if they kept things separate at work. Yoohyeon was used to such a similar boundary with Bora specifically, but also generally staying formal while they were working, so she understood where the leader was coming from and respected her wishes; even if it was seemingly out of the blue when they were practically making out in the practice room while waiting for the others in just the previous days. 

“So cool!” Gahyeon said for what seemed to be the 15th time today. Siyeon ruffled her hair.

“Well even though Yoohyeon jumped ship, looks like you got yourself a new first mate here unnie, so all is not lost,” Siyeon said making the maknae blush and everyone laugh except for Yoohyeon who grumbled in objection and held Minji closer.

“She’s not the only one,” Bora teased, “Sunmi’s eye contact game was really no joke. I don’t know what you did Minji, but you definitely got yourself a new admirer. Good thing Yoohyeon doesn’t mind sharing, right?”

Yoohyeon snapped her head towards her with a growl, “I will kill you Kim Bora.”

Yoohyeon was about to release Minji to chase after the older girl, who right away moved with a cackling laugh to hide behind Siyeon, but Minji held Yoohyeon back with a laugh.

Minji teased, “You’re cute Hyeonnie, and so is your crush on Sunmi. But I think I’ll be the one who needs to learn how to share.”

Yoohyeon wanted to immediately (seriously) object that no one held a candle to Minji, but Minji was looking at her so softly, the smile reaching her eyes making them shine and Yoohyeon lost her train of thoughts. No wonder even someone like Sunmi had gotten so intrigued by Minji, because all Yoohyeon could think of at this moment was how lucky she was to be the one to make Minji smile like that. She could already hear Handong fake gagging behind her, but she was willing to have the girls make fun of her rather than break the moment.

However, it was short-lived because Minji suddenly froze, the smile wiped of her face as she looked somewhere behind her. Yoohyeon turned to see what it was that had caused the flip, only to find that it was just the CEO walking back into the room.

Minji slowly let go of Yoohyeon, even taking a step away from her subtly with a soft apology. Yoohyeon was perplexed at the action and tried to silently ask Minji what was wrong but Minji wouldn’t meet her eyes anymore.

“Good job Jiu-ssi,” the CEO said. “This is an excitement development for all of us.”

“Thank you CEO-nim,” Minji bowed, hands held together behind her back nervously. Yoohyeon was aching to grab Minji’s hands, not understanding what was making Minji lose her confidence like this.

Minji continued, “I should’ve mentioned Sunmi-sunbaenim’s interest in the song before, but I did not think it was anything more than a compliment.”

“Yes, you probably should have,” the CEO responded, and Bora looked like she was about to object, but he continued. “Nevertheless, this was a welcomed surprise. I think I underestimated your ‘promotion’ skills. I’m sure you will both do your utmost best to make this work.”

Minji quickly nodded and sighed in relief, looking a bit more at ease, until the CEO glanced at Yoohyeon next to her and then turned back to Minji with a more hardened look. Yoohyeon saw how Minji tensed up again and looked down to the ground, as if waiting for a reprimand and the feeling that there was something she was missing returned to Yoohyeon.

And sure enough, “A word, Jiu-ssi,” the CEO said emotionlessly and headed towards the door not even leaving Minji a chance to respond.

Yoohyeon hated the way Minji’s eyes closed, and as she tried to stay calm and started following the CEO out. Bora gave Minji’s upper arm a squeeze as she passed by her, but it seemed like Minji didn’t even notice the gesture. Minji looked like she was getting smaller the closer she got to the door, not from the distance but with how her shoulders dropped and her head hung low.

“Is it just me or does it seem like she gets in trouble for anything she does these days?” Gahyeon was the one who voiced the thought on everyone’s mind, and they all nodded, baffled at the turn of events.

Siyeon sighed, “I noticed that too. They rarely paid attention to anything we did, and now Minji unnie keeps being called in for talks with the CEO.”

“I know we’re getting bigger and maybe they’re getting more concerned about our image, but she never said if there is something the company is not happy with or that we need to do differently,” Handong added.

Bora looked at Yoohyeon, “Did she say anything?”

Yoohyeon hated that she didn’t know, that Minji wasn’t opening up to her, to them, anymore. Minji never wanted to share her burden as a leader with the rest of them, but she had never been unforthcoming. It used to be that if they asked, she would explain to them what was going on, trusting them with information that only she would be privy to, knowing that even though she was their leader, they were all in this together and deserved to be as involved. But lately that seemed to have changed as they had no idea what any of these meetings were about, and Minji dodged any questions with generic none-answers about schedules and plans.

“No,” Yoohyeon sighed helplessly, “She’s not saying anything at all.”

Chapter Text

“Ah Jiu, good that you’re here,” the head stylist greeted Minji as soon as she walked into the dressing room where the rest of the members were.

The members also all turned to greet Minji, but she couldn’t meet their eyes when she could see how much attention they were paying to her. She loved that they cared about her but at the moment they were too scrutinizing when all she wanted to do was go home and bury herself under her blanket.

“Actions have consequences Jiu-ssi.” The CEO had repeated that from the start, but it was the first time it translated to something that directly affected her work as a Dreamcatcher member.

The stylist continued, “We are taking the measurements for the final adjustments of the outfits for the music video. You’re the only one missing,”

Minji nodded and moved to where the stylist indicated for her to stand and mindlessly changed into the stage outfit.

“Did everything go okay with the CEO?” Bora asked directly, never one to be too patient. Bora cared, but would she still if she knew how many mistakes Minji was making?

Minji hesitated for a second and saw Yoohyeon frowning at her.

“Yeah, it was fine. Just discussed some changes that will need to be made to the schedule now that we will be fitting in the song with Sunmi,” Minji simplified. Discussion was not really the word to describe how the CEO chewed her out for turning Sunmi down and then pushing for Yoohyeon to be included in the song when the group’s main vocalist was Siyeon. 

Yoohyeon was grinning so wildly at the mention of the song that Minji couldn’t help but also smile at her excitement.

The stylists proceeded with their work, using pins to mark the needed adjustments on Minji’s outfit and jotting down measurements.

Minji continued, “He wants to try to get the song out a couple of weeks before the comeback, so that we can use the momentum from that to boost the attention on the new album.”

“Makes sense,” Dami said, “It’ll work well with keeping us in the minds of any potential new fans. But that’s pretty tight on time.”

“Yeah, it’ll all depend on Sunmi’s schedule also,” Minji said, “that means…”

Minji’s train of thoughts was disrupted by the stylist sighing in frustration. They all went quiet, but the stylist didn’t say anything as she continued working.

Minji frowned in confusion, then continued, “Hmmm what was I saying? Oh, just that it means, Yoohyeona,” Minji addressed her and Yoohyeon immediately perked up, stealing another smile from Minji at her action. Yoohyeon was too cute sometimes. “If Sunmi agrees to the schedule, we—well you mostly, will have a lot of work to do at the same time as our comeback prep.”

“No problem! Sleep is for the weak anyway,” Yoohyeon said excitedly.

Bora snorted, “You says that but then sleep on every surface you come across—Oh, actually that makes sense then.”

Minji and the others laughed at the teasing, but Yoohyeon glared at Bora, who then blew a kiss her way.

Dami added, “if it works out then we’ll have a nice cushioning with this song before and the special clip after promotions.”

There it was. The consequences.

Minji shifted, “Yeah about that…”

“What is it?” Siyeon asked, her voice on edge, mirrored by the other’s nervous anticipation.

“Nothing bad. Just a change of plans,” Minji quickly assured, but the smile she was trying to keep was dropping. “I won’t be doing the special clip this time after all.”

The members froze, all quickly glancing at each other in confusion. And Minji uselessly hoped that it wouldn’t turn into an argument, she really didn’t have it in her to convince them to let it go.

“Why?” Siyeon questioned right away.

“The company want to go in a different direction is all.”

“What direction is that?” Bora questioned.

A direction that is punishing her for supposedly prioritizing herself interest over the good of the group.

“I’m involved in the Sunmi collab, so they want to give a chance for another member to be showcased.”

Dami frowned, “You’re involved in the writing. We know it’s the most important in this case, but it’ll hardly be the highlight for the casual or new fans. If anything, having you do a special clip would be good capitalizing on the attention you would get from the lyrics.”

 The members all agreed with Dami.

It was going to turn into an argument after all. How could Minji convince them to let it go when they were right in whatever they would say? Minji had already put in a lot of effort for the special clip, and they all hated to see it go to waste. The excuse she gave them was the only thing she could think of.

“You already finished recording. The vocals and the video! And it was a good couple weeks of work, between us coming up with the choreography and you practicing it,” Bora said disappointed.

“I know, and I’m sorry Bora, you’ve put in a lot of effort for this too. But it won’t completely go to waste. It’s just shelved for now,” Minji looked at Bora apologetically. It would’ve been another choreography credit for her.

Bora shook her head, “It’s not about me Minji, I come up with choreos all the time, and most of them don’t see the light of day.”

The hint of bitterness in Bora’s tone wasn’t lost on them, but everyone understood it. They all had so much they wanted to do and share, but the opportunities were few and far in between, so they did their best with everything they could get. This was why it hurt for Minji to lose this; she hadn’t done anything solo this year.

Siyeon was the one who continued, in sync with Bora’s thoughts, “This is about this sudden change of plans. You won’t be getting “too much attention” over the rest of us. You have everything already recorded—and it is so so good if I haven’t already said it a hundred times. It was perfectly curated to keep the fans attention after the comeback.”

Yoohyeon supported, “You’ve waited long enough for this. This is what would make the most sense. Not having someone else start from scratch and rush to produce something when we already have pretty packed schedules.”

Of course, they were all on the same page.

“It’s not a big deal, we can use the footage another time. And we’ve definitely worked with a lot more time constraints than this.” Minji hated how she sounded; she didn’t want to be so dismissive of their opinion.

“Is that what you would say if it was a clip of one of us that got cancelled? ‘It’s not a big deal, we’ll use your work later’?” Bora challenged.

“What? Of course not,” Minji immediately responded, then a beat later closed her eyes realizing she fell right into Bora’s trap.

“See?” Bora said softly, “It is a big deal getting your work taken away like that Minji.”

“Especially with the collab you just got the company, you should be getting rewarded, not this,” Handong spoke up with a frown.

Minji sighed but otherwise stayed quiet, eyes on the ground.

“It might not make the most sense, and I get your frustration,” Minji acquiesced, “But it’s the company’s decision.”

How could she tell them that this was a better outcome than anything else the CEO could’ve decided on? He made it clear that it was only that “lenient” because of the collaboration she secured.

Luckily for Minji who was starting to feel tears prick at her eyes from frustration, they were once again interrupted by the stylist, who now stood up and stepped away from Minji, looking at outfit with a frown.

“Is everything okay?” Mini asked softly, a hand on the stylist’s arm immediately making the displeased look on the woman’s face disappear.

The stylist chuckled lightly, “You’re just giving us more work to do, Jiu-yah.”

“Oh?” Minji pouted in confusion, and the stylists cooed at her adorableness, making Minji blush.

“This was supposed to be for any last-minute adjustments, we barely have to do any anything for the others, other than Sua who finally has something to show for all these boxing lessons,” the stylist joked.

Sua immediately put her fisted hands up in front of her face, standing in a mock fighting stance, “You wanna fight?”

The stylist laughed out loud and Sua also broke into giggles, making the others shake their head in amusement.

“Unnie, stop asking everyone if they wanna fight, you’re scary enough already,” Gahyeon said.

“Scary as a doll maybe,” Handong remarked airily, making Sua get back into the fighting stance.

“Come at me Dong Dong,” Sua baited.

“Pfffttt,” Handong scoffed, making only a slight move in her seat but it was enough to make Sua take a step back into Siyeon.

“Don’t anger the beast unnie,” Siyeon joked, and Handong laughed loudly.

Minji shook her head fondly at the members ridiculousness and turned back to the stylists to figure out what they weren’t too happy with.

The stylist sighed pointing at all the pins, clips, and chalk marks on her outfit, “You’ve lost weight…”

“She did?” Yoohyeon asked immediately and the stylist nodded.

“Oh,” Minji rubbed the back of her neck sheepishly, also observing the outfit that obviously wasn’t as form fitting as it should’ve been, “I didn’t realize.”

“You know your fans will kill us if we put you in anything that is not flattering, right?” the stylist joked as she started to take off the pins.

“Sorry! I’m sure it’ll look great,” Minji tried to appease, feeling regretful for adding extra work to the already busy stylists’ plate. It wouldn’t be just one outfit that had to be re-fitted but all.

The stylist hummed, “Yeah after I’m done with it. But if you lose weight again, I’m letting you perform in an oversized outfit and neither of us want that. So eat more!”

“Meh she’d look great in a potato sack, so I don’t think that’s much of a threat to her as much as it is to us,” the other stylist joked making Minji flush at the compliment. “Just make sure you’re eating well sweetheart, the comeback preparations will already take its toll on all of you, no need to go into it weakened.”

Minji nodded with a grateful smile as the stylist patted her head, her heart warming at the words. Just as they all genuinely cared about their staff, the staff always showed them that they did too. Besides everyone doing an excellent job and making Dreamcatcher appear at their best, it was in little things like this too. Things that were not in the job requirements, but the staff did it because they wanted to take care of them.

Yoohyeon’s eyes were on Minji the entire time she was changing out of her outfit and into her own clothes; she could feel the concern radiating off her, but Minji didn’t want the younger girl to worry unnecessarily, it wasn’t uncommon for them to lose weight with promotions starting.

“Unnie, the special clip—” Siyeon tried, pulling her out of her thoughts.

“—Siyeon please… It is what it is,” Minji interrupted with a tired smile. Everything they said and would say was right, and it was just hurting more hearing how much she was unfairly losing here.

Recently Minji has been disliking being so easy to read, but this time Minji was grateful because it looked like Siyeon recognized that this discussion wouldn’t solve anything and dropped the fight she wanted to put up for Minji.

But seeing how understanding Siyeon was made Minji wonder if Siyeon and the others, like the CEO, were also thinking that Minji biasedly chose Yoohyeon over Siyeon, even if that wasn’t Minji’s intention. She didn’t lie when she said she thought of Yoohyeon’s voice for the song, and for the collaboration that her and Sunmi would sound great together. But did she think that because of her relationship with Yoohyeon?

“Look something really good is actually coming out of it,” Minji said, there was actually something that cushioned the disappointment of losing her special clip. “We get the long-awaited subunit. Rap duo extraordinaire, time to blow Insomnia’s minds.”

“What? Really?” Gahyeon asked in shock.

Minji nodded with a wide smile and Gahyeon squealed loudly. While Dami looked a bit more hesitant, staring at Minji for a few extra seconds, she eventually smiled at the news and enthusiastically received Gahyeon’s fist-bump.

Minji felt the stab of self-hatred when she saw how the older members looked at her in resignation. They couldn’t really try to convince her that they should get the company to re-evaluate their decision when it was the youngest two members getting the clip instead. Minji had brought up the Dami and Gahyeon subunit suggestion to the CEO because of how much the rapper duo have been wanting to do it, but at the back of her mind she knew that this reason would be an advantage for her.

Resorting to manipulation to get away with a lie was a new low.

——————————

The collaboration with Sunmi gave Minji a type of freedom she wasn’t expecting. She was back to waking up in the morning excited about getting to work at Sunmi’s studio, knowing it wasn’t the place with eyes on her, walls with ears, and expectations on her shoulders. There was zero pressure, other than the time constraint they had to produce and record the song. Minji now half-wished that Sunmi hadn’t agreed to the tight schedule the CEO proposed, wanting to prolong this feeling of the only thing mattering being the music; everything else was blocked away by the shield that was Sunmi’s star status.

Minji missed this. Times when she sat down with her group, brainstorming for ideas, playing around with chords, practicing their vocals, making choreography; all of them in harmony without a constant threat hanging over her. Minji felt guilty that those few hours every couple of day she could finally breathe again were the ones when she was away from Dreamcatcher. She shouldn’t want to be away from the very thing she was fighting for.

Another big part of it was of course Sunmi herself. The woman was perfect in how imperfect she was. Minji had by their first meeting known how much Sunmi loved the lyrics, but it took only a few minutes of going over the song together for Minji to realize that it wasn’t just that Sunmi appreciated the written words; but Sunmi found herself in Minji’s thought about one trying to reconcile themselves with their own reflection. Minji hadn’t realized she was crying till Sunmi was looking at her in complete understanding. It wasn’t every day that someone knew exactly where it hurt.

From then on, they were completely in sync with the direction of the song. Sunmi’s ability to find the perfect combination of tones and instrumentation that unveil the underlying emotions brought their vision to life. A stripped-down beat to emphasize the questions about sense of self within the roles one had to play. A percussion build up to carry the denial that this person one was seeing was actually themselves. An energetic pulsing drop that amplified the anguish of losing one’s self. Then a refrain of trying to accept the new reality that levels off with an obsessive cycle of scrutinizing one’s own scattered features desperately trying to put the pieces back together.

“I really wish you would’ve recorded this song yourself Minji. You are the only one who would be able to convey exactly what you want to say with your voice,” Sunmi had told her after Minji recorded the guide track for them, her voice wavering as she barely kept it together and that’s what Sunmi had wanted her to channel.

But Minji didn’t want to vocalize her pain out loud that way, even if Sunmi tried to convince her that it was a cathartic experience, just like how Minji felt when she gave Sunmi her notebook when they first met. Minji admired Sunmi’s ability to unapologetically strip off all the glamour and bare her own pain so publicly on the path of self-healing. But Minji couldn’t even stand to be in her own head lately, let alone let thousands of people in with her.

So Minji put that distance between her and the song so as to hide her turmoil. And so far, it worked fine because Sunmi was still a stranger, one who understood her on a very personal level, but still a stranger who was not invested in her life. But now came the hard part. Yoohyeon needed to record the song. Minji had somehow gotten away with not showing anyone else the song yet, under the guise of it needing reworking as it was only a draft that was not recording-ready; but time was up and Yoohyeon was hanging her jacket and making some excited small talk with Sunmi.

“I finally get to see the super secret song,” Yoohyeon teased as she sat on the chair opposite Minji and Sunmi on the couch.

Minji could only hum, holding onto the paper tight enough that it started creasing. Sunmi’s hand moving to rest on top of her knee made Minji realize she had been nervously shaking her leg. Minji’s visible panic was met with a comforting smile from Sunmi, and a whispered “It’s okay.”

Yoohyeon was watching them with confused interest, but Minji was still frozen in her spot. Yoohyeon was smart and she knew Minji too well. Loved Minji too well. She would see right through her. Especially that they would have to discuss the lyrics for Yoohyeon to be able to best convey the right emotions with her singing.

“Unnie… if you don’t want to, we don’t have to do this,” Yoohyeon finally said gently, a soft assuring smile on her face when the silence was stretching endlessly.

Minji internally groaned. Yoohyeon for sure knew that there was something with the lyrics that Minji had wanted to keep hidden.

“I’m just worried that maybe you won’t like the song after we hyped it up so much,” Minji lied with a nervous chuckle. Sunmi’s hand tightening on her knee let her know that she didn’t get away with it.

“Oh,” Yoohyeon paused for a beat, “I’m sure I’ll love it unnie. And not just because it’s with Sunmi sunbaenim,” she then added in a shyer tone, “But I love everything you write. You know that.”

Affection bloomed in her chest from Yoohyeon’s blind confidence in her, but now she was actually worried that Yoohyeon wouldn’t like the song that was going to be her dream collaboration come true.

“Yoohyeona, I already told you to drop the sunbaenim. What’s with you girls and your love for being so formal?” Sunmi joked, relieving some of the tension.

“Sorry unnie,” Yoohyeon blushed.

“Better,” Sunmi smiled in approval.

Sunmi turned to Minji with an encouraging smile, moving closer to her, the reassuring proximity made Minji sigh, letting go a bit of the tenseness in her shoulders. Yoohyeon shifted in her seat and Minji belatedly recognized that she hadn’t really shared in detail about how close she and Sunmi had quickly gotten.

Minji finally handed her the paper not wanting to delay the inevitable any longer and noted the contrast in how she felt when she had given Sunmi the song versus now when she gave it to Yoohyeon. It should’ve been the opposite. She shouldn’t be this scared of revealing her thoughts to the woman she loved. Had lying really become so second nature that the thought of sharing one truth made her this nervous?

Each second passing by was one closer to Yoohyeon really seeing her.

“It’s… It’s a beautiful song Minji,” Yoohyeon said with a soft reverence as she continued staring at the paper. “I can see why Sunmi unnie loved it so much, it has something that is very much her style.”

“Right?” Sunmi smiled at the recognition, “That’s what I told her also.”

“You really like it?” Minji asked in a small voice and Yoohyeon pouted adorably as she looked up.

“Of course, unnie. It’s very raw… how you wrote someone not knowing their place anymore.” Yoohyeon said. “I like that it still has a bit of an uplifting tone though.”

“Uplifting?” Minji asked curiously.

“Yeah, I mean maybe I’m not getting it right, but for me I see it as this person doesn’t know who they are because of how they had to change themselves to fit in. The lines about them staring at their own features at the end might make it seem like they’re self-absorbed but they’re just trying to find themselves. So, uplifting in terms of they’re trying to accept who they’re seeing and work with that instead of just denying it, you know?”

Minji was surprised to find herself relaxing as Yoohyeon tried to analyze the song. The fear of being exposed was replaced. Not just by relief of finding someone who understood her pain like she had gotten with Sunmi. But by relief of having someone who cares about her know how she was feeling. The loneliness she was feeling even when she was with the members because of how she kept everything to herself slightly ebbed away.

“I’m curious to why you had my voice in mind for this song though unnie,” Yoohyeon asked, her gaze boring into Minji in a way that stripped the rest of Minji’s defenses away.

And Minji now realized that the answer wasn’t because of some bias that left Yoohyeon at the front of her mind over everyone else like the CEO had said. But it was because she wanted Yoohyeon to understand her. Minji couldn’t open up to Yoohyeon, missed so much talking to the other girl openly, with zero worries about whether she was saying the right or wrong thing. Missed the feeling of them being so in tune with each other. She heard the song in Yoohyeon’s voice because she wanted Yoohyeon to somehow know what she couldn’t say out loud. She needed Yoohyeon to show her the hope in an outwardly very depressing landscape. Because maybe then Minji would believe that it wasn’t all an aimless struggle.

Minji wanted to answer her with just that, that Yoohyeon’s voice was what she needed to hear to know that everything will be okay. But she didn’t. She hoped it wasn’t too much to hope that Yoohyeon got it anyway.

Working with Sunmi turned out to be beyond anything that Yoohyeon could’ve dreamed of. The woman was as excellent a mentor as she was an artist. Yoohyeon had been so nervous in their first recording session that she started to make such rookie mistakes. Yoohyeon never had that many lines in a song that wasn’t a cover or special clip so it was daunting to have that much of the song to carry, and the fear of ending up with something that would reflect badly on Sunmi started to get to her. But Sunmi was quick to recognize this and not only assured Yoohyeon but found a way to get her to relax and coaxed some of Yoohyeon’s best work out of her.

Minji’s constant presence helped with that a lot. Not just by being something Yoohyeon could fall back on, but also Minji interjected such lively energy in everything she did, and Yoohyeon had forgotten for a second what that was like. There wasn’t actually any reason for Minji to be at the recording sessions, having done her part with the writing and surprisingly co-producing the song. But Yoohyeon was so glad about whatever arrangement Sunmi and Minji had going on because Yoohyeon got to see Minji shinning like she should.

Yoohyeon was 100% sure that the lyrics were finally a glimpse into Minji’s thoughts. Yoohyeon had to try to stay completely objective and analytical while reading and discussing the lyrics because she saw how reluctant and nervous Minji was, and Yoohyeon didn’t want to give her any reason to retreat even further into herself. That was very hard while listening to the guide track though, because the barely contained anguish in Minji’s voice was like a punch to the gut. It took all of Yoohyeon’s self control and complete focus on Sunmi’s instructions to not start crying and beg Minji to just talk to her.

Yoohyeon was heartbroken that Minji seemed to be feeling so lost, in so much pain, and not feel like she could talk to them about it. They’ve all had these moments of doubts and slumps, it was only inevitable in their line of work, but they were always able to have each other’s backs. Even Minji. Although she was almost always the one doing the supporting, if something had been plaguing her so much in the past, she had let them help her. Passing thoughts were always shared between Yoohyeon and Minji, impossible wishes spoken under the cover of the night and safety of the each other’s company. Yoohyeon was scared of what it was that was so big that had Minji clamping up.

So Yoohyeon was very happy with how this collaboration was going also because of how carefree Minji was. It wasn’t lost on Yoohyeon how dejected Minji would get whenever it was time for them to leave the studio, or how a lot of times she would stall, finding a reason to stay longer, which was always more than welcomed by Sunmi.

That was the other thing Yoohyeon was yet to figure out. Minji and Sunmi’s relationship. Yes, Sunmi was the nicest and friendliest idol that they have ever met, but Yoohyeon had really been taken aback by how close the two have gotten in the span of a couple of weeks. Minji was so easy to love so really Sunmi stood no chance there, and it was really obvious how enamoured Sunmi was, but Minji didn’t get close to people easily, despite her very open personality.

Yoohyeon wasn’t perfect and in a moment of doubt after Sunmi had taken them out to dinner at a very exclusive and expensive restaurant just because Minji had said in passing that she wished that she could try the food there, Yoohyeon had brought it up to Bora.

“And you’re worried that what? Minji will throw you away for Sunmi,” Bora snorted, “I wouldn’t blame her.”

“Unnie don’t joke,” Yoohyeon whined.

“Then you be serious Yoohyeon. Minji has been in love with you for years. You really think she’ll just throw all that away now that you’re finally together, for a woman she just met? Not everyone is as in love with Sunmi as you are,” Bora finished on a lighter note.

“It’s not that unnie, of course I trust Minji,” Yoohyeon said resolutely. “I just don’t want her to be in an uncomfortable situation, or get hurt if…”

“If Sunmi is actually interested in her?” Bora finished.

Yoohyeon nodded, “You know Minji, she is too kind sometimes. It wouldn’t be the first time that she was just being herself and someone else takes it as more.”

“I haven’t really seen them together other than when Sunmi came to the company, but do you really think that’s what’s going on here?”

“I don’t know,” Yoohyeon sighed, “I’m just worried because she will be so hurt if Sunmi doesn’t actually care about her song, and it was just a means to an end. Especially this song…  Minji really put herself out there with it, and it’s come together so nicely.”

“I think maybe you’re overthinking this Yooh. Okay Sunmi seems to be taken with Minji, but she’s also collaborating with you. If she wanted to just be alone with Minji she wouldn’t be putting in so much effort into you as well. As Minji said, Sunmi knows her power, she could’ve easily gotten what she wanted. Besides, when have we ever heard anything bad about Sunmi? Haven’t you been going on and on and on about how great she is?”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right,” Yoohyeon acquiesced. “They probably just clicked well together. I’m actually glad that Minji has found such a good friend in Sunmi.”

——————

After their final day of recording, Minji asked if she would go somewhere with her. Never one to refuse Minji, and missing spending time with her outside of work, Yoohyeon quickly agreed. Her earlier fatigue completely forgotten as Minji dragged her to a small family restaurant.

“Minji-yah,” an old woman greeted with a big smile, “welcome back!”

Minji’s face brightened as she went to hug her, “Halmeoni!”

Yoohyeon smiled at the scene. With Minji’s love for food, almost every restaurant in a 10-block radius of the company knew her. She wouldn’t even be able to count the number of times they’ve walked into a restaurant only to be enthusiastically greeted by the staff or owners, given extra side dishes and drinks, even have food delivered from places that didn’t even have delivery service.

This was slightly unfamiliar though, the owner hugging Minji, and Minji relaxing in the woman’s hold. Yoohyeon hasn’t even been in this place before, but obviously Minji has been here a lot.

“You’ve lost weight Minji-yah,” the Halmeoni chided, as she broke the hug to take a better look at Minji, placing a hand on Minji’s slim waist. “Are you on of those diets that are popular these days?”

Minji rubbed the back of her neck, looking away from the woman’s examining gaze, “No Halmeoni, I just have a lot of work, and it’s stressful at the moment.”

The old woman didn’t look convinced, and Yoohyeon didn’t blame her. Ever since the stylist mentioned Minji’s weight loss, Yoohyeon had been keeping an eye out for it and was quick to recognize that Minji’s healthy appetite seemed to have vanished. It made sense with how stressed the leader had been, but it was cause for concern considering they were kicking into full gear with exhausting comeback preparations.

Giving Minji one last knowing stare, the woman turned to Yoohyeon, “and who is this?”

“Hello, I’m Kim Yoohyeon,” Yoohyeon quickly introduced herself with a bow.

“Ah, ‘Yoohyeonie’,” the Halmeoni’s eyes glittered with mischief, Yoohyeon interest peaked at the recognition. “Glad to put a face to the name.”

Minji flushed a deep red at the woman’s words, and a smile broke out on Yoohyeon’s face.

“Aw unnie, you’ve been talking about me?” Yoohyeon teased, enjoying the way Minji squirmed, not meeting her eyes.

The old woman laughed at Minji’s discomfort, “Come on Minji-yah, I’ve been asking you to bring her along for some time now.”

“I knew you would do this, so I didn’t,” Minji grumbled, making both laugh.

The old woman decided to spare Minji further embarrassment, leading them to a table by the window, “You girls take a seat and I’ll bring you some food. I know what Minji likes, how about you Yoohyeona?”

Yoohyeon smiled at the kind woman, “I have whatever Minji unnie is having.”

“Good, then I can make double the food,” the woman responded with a smile, daring Minji to make the objection that she was about to. The old woman gave a light chuckle as she left.

“This is a cozy place, when did you find it?” Yoohyeon asked curiously, since Minji hadn’t mentioned it when she was notorious for her restaurant recommendations.

“Oh, a couple of months ago?” Minji answered, “I was having a bad day and was just taking a walk around when I passed by here. Halmeoni was outside carrying some boxes and asked if I could help her. After, she sat me down to eat and we talked a bit. At the end, she said she didn’t actually need help, but it looked like I did.” Minji smiled fondly, “and I guess I just kept coming back here. She lets me help out sometimes when I’m feeling restless.”

Yoohyeon was resting her head on her hand as she listened, glad that Minji had stumbled upon such a kind person, someone outside of her usual life that could give her a space to be comfortable.

“She doesn’t know you’re an idol,” Yoohyeon said, matter-of-factly.

Minji sighed, “No. Actually I don’t know, she has a habit of knowing things without people saying them. But I didn’t tell her,” Minji looked down casted, “I know it’s bad, that I am being vague about my work. But I just…”

“—Needed some place to be normal,” Yoohyeon finished for her and Minji nodded, grateful that Yoohyeon understood.

“Thank you for sharing this place with me,” Yoohyeon said sincerely, reaching out across the table to hold one of Minji’s hands. Minji stared at their hands for a few seconds, emotions swirling in her eyes, before she looked up at Yoohyeon with a smile, switching the hold so that she was the one holding Yoohyeon’s hand.

Yoohyeon returned the soft smile. The thumb going back and forth on the back of her hand, the dim lights of the restaurant, the smell of the food cooking in the back, the faint sound of the old box TV hung up near the register; it all made Yoohyeon’s heartbeat slow down, basking in the moment where it felt like Minji and her were the only ones in the world.

Yoohyeon was so happy she was sharing this moment with Minji after so long and happy that Minji seemed almost at peace, burdens left at the door.

“I love you, you know that, right?” Minji’s words broke Yoohyeon out of her reverie.

“I love you too Minji,” Yoohyeon answered. After holding it in for so long, Yoohyeon felt relieved every time she got to say it out loud.

“I’m so so lucky to have you in my life Hyeonnie. To have you love me. To love you.” Minji’s voice was choked, full of emotion.

While the declaration made Yoohyeon warm inside, fondness for Minji expanding with each heartbeat, Yoohyeon couldn’t help but feel there was something behind Minji’s words, in how desperate they sounded.

“I’m the lucky one Minji. Sometimes I don’t even believe that this is real.”

The arrival of the food interrupted Yoohyeon’s worries with the shear amount of it. Minji objected to the older woman, but the woman didn’t hear her. Or rather as they both suspected, pretended she didn’t hear her. The food was so good though, Yoohyeon mused that of course Minji would randomly be pulled to this hidden gem.

“I should be paying for dinner to thank you for getting me a collaboration with Sunmi. I still haven’t properly thanked you,” Yoohyeon half-joked, knowing the leader never let anyone else pay if she was there.

Minji’s smile dropped as she unnecessarily re-counted the bills she was pulling out of her wallet. “Nothing to thank me for Hyeon. You were the right choice for the song.”

Yoohyeon frowned at how monotone Minji sounded, as if repeating rehearsed words. She still hadn’t gotten a clear answer from Minji on why Minji wanted her to sing the song, but she hoped that it was Minji’s way of opening up to her about something she felt like she couldn’t. It had definitely only brought them closer regardless of the actual intention.

“You never really said why you didn’t want to record the song yourself,” Yoohyeon dared to bring it up. She hoped with how relaxing their evening had been that Minji would be more willing to talk about this.

Minji shrugged and looked at the money again when she replied quietly, “I really did mean it when I said I had your voice in mind…”

Yoohyeon slowly took the money away from Minji, putting it on the little tray and setting it at the edge of the table. She took Minji’s now free hand and Minji finally looked at her.

Yoohyeon smiled softly, and prompted, “The guide track… it didn’t sound like it was the easiest thing to record.”

“It… It wasn’t,” Minji admitted.

“It’s a beautiful song.”

Minji lightly chuckled with a blush, “You’ve said that.”

Yoohyeon hummed, “I would say it’s one of your best even.”

“Really?” Minji perked up, making Yoohyeon smile.

“I think…” Yoohyeon hesitated, but decided to push on, “I think you put so much of yourself in it, and so it makes it all the more precious to me.”

Minji’s hand squeezing her own, maybe involuntarily, was all the encouragement Yoohyeon needed to continue.

“I always want to know what’s on your mind Minji, you just have to be willing to share.”

Minji’s eyes closed, “It’s not that easy.”

“I know,” Yoohyeon stroked Minji’s hand. “That’s why I’m glad you had my voice in your mind for this song even when it was just lyrics, before the collaboration.”

Minji looked at her curiously, and Yoohyeon could tell that Minji was anticipating her reasoning with how she whispered the question, “Why?”

“Because even if it isn’t easy talking about what’s going inside that beautiful head of yours,” Yoohyeon patted Minji’s head, the eldest leaning into her touch, “It means you wanted me to know anyway.”

Minji only gave a small nod, but she sighed in relief, eyes closing as she leaned her head more onto Yoohyeon’s hand.

“However you want to share Minji, I’ll take it, and I’ll do my best to understand what you’re having trouble saying,” Yoohyeon promised, pouring in all the sincerity in her words. She just needed Minji to know that she was there for her, in whatever capacity she needed.

She quickly spotted the tears filling Minji’s eyes, the leader obviously affected by her words. Yoohyeon wished they weren’t in public so that she could kiss them away.

Minji looked up at her with a grateful smile, eyes shinning with adoration, and the quick glance at Yoohyeon’s lips let her know that Minji had the same thought.

“Thank you Hyeon,” Minji said. “I know I haven’t been the best at communicating lately, and that you—all of you are worried. But this is something I have to figure out by myself…”

“You’re not alone though,” Yoohyeon reminded. “Maybe we can’t help, but we’ll always listen. You’re the one who always says, ‘a burden shared is a burden halved’.”

Minji softly smiled at the recitation, but then she sighed, pulling away her head from Yoohyeon’s hand, her smile dropping and Yoohyeon knew that she wasn’t going to be able to get Minji to talk like she hoped.

“I can see that just going to work brings you down Minji,” Yoohyeon tried to push once more. “Are you not happy with where we’re at?”

“What? No of course not, we’re doing great! We keep getting better and better every comeback, I’m so proud of how far we have gotten!” Minji said resolutely, and Yoohyeon smiled at the leader’s unshakable passion for their group.

“Is it maybe then with where you are at?” No quick response came at that and Yoohyeon realized she maybe grabbed onto the correct string, “Because if there’s more you want to do, we would all support you. And we are still upset about your special clip getting cancelled, even if you told us to let it go.”

Yoohyeon brought the special clip up as it was still a mystery what happened with it. They weren’t getting the full story, Yoohyeon knew from the moment Minji hesitated to answer Bora’s question and plastered on a weak smile to assure them. The gears in Yoohyeon’s head had been turning since. While she was of course happy for Dami and Gahyeon finally getting the special clip they talked about for so long, the company’s reasoning for the change of plans still didn’t make sense. It was certainly not a thought-out decision considering it was made within the same hour that the collaboration came to life. And it had been obvious from the moment Minji entered the room that she wasn’t too happy about whatever went down in the meeting, so Yoohyeon didn’t get why Minji didn’t have much of an opinion about it; even if it was the company’s decision and there was nothing she could do, she could’ve still aired out her frustration.

Minji shook her head, “It’s… It’s not like that. I am disappointed about the special clip but that’s not it…”

Minji had a hard time articulating her thoughts and looked like she was getting frustrated with herself because of it. Yoohyeon gently took Minji’s hands again so that the eldest would stop clenching them, and Minji relaxed a bit at the gesture.

“I… I don’t know how to separate what I want from what I need to do. What I have to do,” Minji finally admitted.

Yoohyeon wished Minji wasn’t so vague, but she was glad to have an opening anyway.

“What do you want Minji?”

The way Minji’s eyes settled on her, blazing fire, made Yoohyeon’s breath catch. Not just at the intensity of being the sole focus of Minji’s attention, but also at the doubt that sprang in her mind. Was Yoohyeon’s relationship with Minji part of her inner conflict?

“I want to be happy,” Minji answered, voice small. “I want us to be happy. I want all of us to be happy.”

Yoohyeon’s heart hurt at the clear implication. Minji wasn’t happy. It wasn’t that Yoohyeon didn’t know from how Minji has been for the last months, but it still hurt to hear.

“But?”

Minji sighed, “But it’s not so simple.”

“You seemed happier these last 2 weeks. What changed?” Yoohyeon prompted. She only knew that it had something to do with being out of their company and at Sunmi’s instead, but Yoohyeon still couldn’t figure it out, because it couldn’t just be the excitement of the collaboration.

Minji smiled sadly, “It’s quite freeing, no? Working with such a big artist?”

Yoohyeon hummed.

Then Minji’s smile brightened, her eyes turning into crescents, “But the best part was we got to do it together.”

Yoohyeon’s heartbeat sped up at Minji’s smile, and she chuckled shyly, “Minji we’re together all the time.”

“Yeah, but…” Minji was now the one holding her hand, “I think it’s hard sometimes to draw the line between work time and our time together because as you said we’re together all the time. We don’t get to be just the two of us very often.”

Yoohyeon couldn’t disagree with that. Between the nature of their work, their work hours and shared living space, moments of privacy were scarce. Yoohyeon refrained from pointing out, however, that the time they spent together at Sunmi’s company was still work. Obviously, there was something about it that for Minji was different from their normal work routine.

“I know Minji, I wish we had more time to ourselves. Maybe after the comeback we can take a vacation? Go somewhere just the two of us?” Yoohyeon suggested.

The way Minji brightened at the suggestion made Yoohyeon want to book tickets right that second just to prolong it.

“Where would you wanna go?” Yoohyeon asked.

Minji didn’t stop to think before she answered, “Anywhere as long as it’s with you.”

Yoohyeon felt like she could float from the pure love radiating from Minji.

“Oh!” Minji exclaimed, “this reminds me. I kinda had a bit of a gift for you tonight.”

“A gift? For me?” Yoohyeon panicked then internally laughed at herself realizing that they haven’t been dating long enough for her to have forgotten an anniversary.

“Well… more for us?” Minji said, her eyebrows crinkling adorably and Yoohyeon pouted at how cute the older woman can be sometimes. “Let’s say it’s a mini—very mini—vacation.”

“Well, someone’s hoping they get lucky,” Yoohyeon teased as she took in the fancy hotel room, standing in front of the large comfortable bed. Yoohyeon had to commend Minji for the excellent idea of booking a room for them for the night. It wasn’t that she and Minji didn’t share a bed often, or even Yoohyeon switching rooms with Siyeon for the night for more privacy, but this was different.

“I’m already lucky Hyeon,” Minji countered softly hugging her from behind, making Yoohyeon turn around in the hug with a blush creeping up her neck.

“How can you be both smooth and cheesy at the same time?”

Minji smirked, “It’s a talent.”

Yoohyeon settled her hands on Minji’s chest, fiddling with the collar of her shirt, “Any other talents I should know about?”

“I can think of a few,” Minji replied, her voice deep. The air between them was charged, Yoohyeon’s breath trailing up her face till her lips were by Minji’s ears.

“Let’s put them to the test, shall we?”

Minji didn’t have time to respond as Yoohyeon suddenly pushed her back, the back of her knees hitting the edge of the bed making her collapse back. But her arms had still been holding tightly around Yoohyeon, so the younger woman landed right on top of her, roughly. A grunt escaped Minji at the impact.

“Oh my god Minji, I’m so sorry,” Yoohyeon quickly shuffled off Minji, “are you okay?”

Minji let out a laugh as she coughed, “Not smooth Hyeon. Not smooth at all.”

“I’m sorryyyy,” Yoohyeon fussed over Minji, first checking her arm then lifting her shirt and poking at Minji’s ribs to make sure she wasn’t hurt.

“You know there are easier ways if you wanted my shirt off,” Minji teased.

“Yah!” Yoohyeon lightly hit Minji’s shoulder, assured now that the woman was fine since she was joking around.

“So aggressive and for what?” Minji laughed, as she in one move pulled Yoohyeon back down to the bed and flipping on top of her, lips immediately attaching to her jaw, making Yoohyeon flush at how such actions were much more fluid when Minji did them.

Minji giggled when Yoohyeon tried to pull away with a squeak when Minji’s breath tickled her neck. Yoohyeon watched Minji in amusement, happy that the leader seemed so carefree now, laugh lines marring her face. Yoohyeon double checked though as Minji tended to hide it when she was in pain, “You sure you’re okay?”

Minji smiled in content, eyes shinning, nudging Yoohyeon’s nose with hers, “More than okay.”

And Yoohyeon returned the smile, feeling blessed to know that Minji was still here with her, even with everything that has been weighing on her lately. Just as long as Minji let her in, in whatever way, they could work on it together.

“I love you, Kim Yoohyeon.”

Yoohyeon’s heart raced, and she buried her head in the crook of Minji’s neck. “I don’t think I’ll ever tire of hearing this.”

Minji chuckled, and Yoohyeon’s body thrummed as the vibrations from both the sound and Minji’s happiness echoed in her own body.

“I love you too, Kim Minji.”

Chapter Text

Three steps to the left. Three steps to the right. With each of the CEO’s footsteps, Minji felt her heartbeat faster. She has come to naturally hate those meetings with the CEO. Every time she’s called to his office, her body freezing up, limbs refusing to cooperate, dreading the conversation that was to come because she knew by the time she left the office, a piece of her would be chipped away, hung on his wall like a hunting trophy.

“So, the managers were telling me that Sunmi-ssi and her company were so happy with how the collaboration went,” the CEO started.

“I’m glad CEO-nim. Sunmi sunbaenim was a true professional and it was very pleasant working with her,” Minji said.

The CEO continued, “They were so happy that they want to include the track on Sunmi’s next album.”

Minji already knew that, Sunmi had talked to her about it to get her approval before Sunmi even approached her own company about it. Sunmi explained to her the vision for the next album, and the story she was trying to tell with it, and how their track would fit like the missing puzzle piece.

“Yes, she discussed it with me yesterday and I said I would be honored but that she needed to discuss it with our company,” Minji said, hoping that she hadn’t made a mistake this time.

“You didn’t have a schedule with Sunmi-ssi yesterday,” the remark was odd and clearly not a question.

Her answer came with apprehension, “No… we were grabbing dinner and she brought it up.”

The CEO hummed, “Seems like there were a lot of dinners with Sunmi-ssi.”

Minji swallowed, having no idea where this was going. “We’ve become friends in this time we spent together working on the song.”

“A very good friend to have.”

“She is a very kind and humble person, and a great mentor. I’m happy we got along very well while working.”

“It seems like she also feels the same way about you. Offering a collaboration on first meeting, agreeing to a very short production schedule, having you co-produce the song, and now putting that song on her album. I don’t need to tell you the kind of impact that would have on yours and Yoohyeon’s careers, and the attention it’ll bring the group.”

Minji felt dread wash over her instead of pride at the accomplishment.

“I know of course CEO-nim. This has evolved into something beyond anything I could’ve imagined, and I’m very grateful for Sunmi sunbaenim’s generosity and interest.”

“Good job Jiu-ssi,” the CEO smirked. “I once again underestimated your networking skills.”

Alarms were going off in her head, something telling her that even though this conversation was positive, it wouldn’t stay like that for long.

“Hmmm… thank you CEO-nim,” Minji hesitantly said.

“You’ve really tapped into a gold mine here.”

Minji frowned in confusion.

He explained, “You’ll come to learn that there’s a lot of ways to getting things that you want. And there’s a lot of power when you’re in a position like this.”

“I’m not sure I understand,” all Minji knew that this couldn’t be good.

“I’m just saying. All these things that she did for you… It’s a good place to be in, admired by someone so influential, no?”

Minji stayed silent, not knowing how she should respond to something like this.

“Don’t look at me like that,” the CEO laughed. “Come on, you must’ve wondered, no? Because I sure did, how just one meeting turned into a full-blown collaboration? Sunmi coming here herself to discuss getting the song for herself then agreeing to a collaboration instead? No lyrics are that good, Jiu-ssi. Especially coming from… a small artist.”

Coming from a nobody. It was clear that’s what he wanted to say, and it stung that after all these years of work, he would think of her—of them— like that when the entire company was running off their success.

But of course, Minji had wondered about Sunmi’s reasoning in the start. The events had rolled like scenes from a film. She had not wanted to question it, but she saw herself how genuine of a person Sunmi was, and how she lived by seizing every opportunity because time, especially in this industry, was finite and always fleeting. Sunmi told her that she didn’t like wasting time on what-ifs and hesitating in worry of the public’s perception anymore, even if sometimes the projects she undertook didn’t pan out with a reward at the end, she was still happy to have gone through with what she wanted instead of just wondering.

“She likes you,” The CEO mused. “I saw that from the first meeting when she came here, but I didn’t know enough to say for sure. But everything I’ve been told, how she talked about you in meetings, all the extra time she kept you at the company for recordings. It suddenly makes sense all these favors she’s doing for you that wouldn’t really have any return for her.”

Minji froze at his insinuation, “That’s not—It’s not like that!”

Smirk fixed in place, he responded, “Come on Jiu-ssi. You’ve been pursed before; managers have had to practically drag male trainees away from you since you joined the company. You’re even having a thing with a woman. Don’t tell me you don’t know what attraction looks like.”

Disgust rolled over Minji like a wave in the middle of a storm, leaving her stranded in a situation where she had no footing or experience to deal with.

“What are you trying to say?” Minji tried to master the coldest tone she could.

He held up his hands as if in surrender, “I’m not saying anything. I’m just pointing out the situation you’re in since I know you’re not the kind of person who would overthink other people’s intentions. I just want you to have all the information so that you are aware of your position, and how it can play out in your favor.”

“I’m not interested in anything playing out in my favor,” Minji snarled. “We shouldn’t even be having this conversation.”

“—And you shouldn’t be sleeping with your group member and yet here we are,” the CEO said darkly.

Minji recoiled at his words, a harsh reminder of how she opened herself up to the reality she was living in.

The CEO sighed, “I’m trying to help you out here Jiu. You’ve always insisted that you would do everything in your power for Dreamcatcher. And you’ve done so admirably, especially in the first couple of years.”

She didn’t like to be think so much of those times. Times when she had to wield confidence and charm at every given moment, the sometimes too generous fanservice leaving her drained by the end of each day. It wasn’t that she did anything she regretted, but it was hard living in such a high-stress situation with the security of their dream job constantly on the line, wondering if one moment of being less than perfect would be a missed chance for their success or even worse, their end.

But it was what she had vowed to do after the shocking failure they experienced. Because even if she had no control over what happened to Minx, she was the designated fan-attractor and leader, and she couldn’t help the thought that maybe she hadn’t done a good enough job. They all depended on her as the leader to guide them, but she was young, inexperienced, and naively optimistic. But not since then. Minji had vowed to never be anything less than the leader they deserved, that she would do everything in her power to never let this industry leave them, so heartbroken again.

But not like this.

He continued, “And I’m just letting you know that there is something here that you could do.”

Minji shook her head adamantly.

“At least listen to my suggestion. I would never make you do anything that you don’t want to. Just like I never asked you to break things off with Yoohyeon. My way is always to lay out the situation for you so you can make your own decisions. That’s how we’ve always worked Jiu.”

Minji wanted to throw up. This was the man who had been a guiding mentor for 10 years, working with them through failure and giving them a second chance, encouraging them every step of the way, giving them the freedom to present themselves in however way they liked. His actions having been under the guise of his concern for her and the group made Minji’s head spin, unable to discern the truth when everything he wanted was for the sake of the group. And it had been coming at her expense, but she didn’t know where to draw the line when she was willing to give everything to the girls she called her family.

“Not—not like this. I don’t want to know—”

“You wouldn’t even need to do anything. I’m just saying if you play your cards right, play on her interest, you can get even more out of this. A video performance would really be the gold icing on this cake.”

The loud whooshing of her heartbeat picking up filled Minji’s ears, as she processed his words.

“That’s what you want? A video?” Minji didn’t do anything to hide her disgust.

“Views mean more exposure for you girls.”

Meant more money. Minji translated for herself. Any remaining respect she might have had for the man was completely wiped away.

He continued, “Sunmi has a stellar reputation. I don’t think she would out right approach you about this, but that doesn’t mean the interest isn’t there or that her actions aren’t because she’s trying to charm you. I say if she wants to do more to make you happy, let her. Let her know what that would be. Let her know how much you would appreciate the things she would do for you.”

A weight was settling on her chest, making her breathing shallower.

“And if I refuse?” Minji shakily asked.

“I didn’t say you had to do anything!” The CEO quickly said. “I’m merely giving you some advice considering what you have gotten so far with your natural charm. I only ask you to keep the best interest of Dreamcatcher in mind for whatever you decide.”

The whooshing sound was getting so loud she couldn’t hear anything he was saying anymore over the hammering of her heart.

“Jiu-yah, are you okay?” She could see their oldest manager reaching out to steady her, but she pulled away, letting her unsteady feet carry her to the restroom, as her vision blurred from the tears she couldn’t hold back.

She was idly glad she didn’t have breakfast as she heaved over the toilet.

She did this to herself.  

A staff member rushed into the studio where Siyeon and Bora were recording.

“You need to come with me,” the woman said urgently, alarming the girls.

Siyeon quickly got out of the booth, “What’s going on?”

The woman came close to the girls and spoke in a low volume so that the producers in the room couldn’t hear. “Jiu… I think she’s having a panic attack. Tae oppa said to grab—”

Siyeon was running out of the room before the staff could even tell her where to go.

Siyeon only froze for a moment at seeing Minji on the floor, each breath coming out with a wheeze that squeezed Siyeon’s heart. In a second she was by Minji side. But as soon as she touched Minji, the leader jumped back, wide eyes snapping up.

“Unnie, it’s just me…” Siyeon held up her hands non-threateningly and saw recognition seep into Minji’s eyes.

“Siyeon,” Minji whimpered as threw herself at the younger girl, Siyeon had to brace herself as to not topple over, but it didn’t matter when Minji was shaking like a leaf in her arms.

“I’m right here unnie,” Siyeon reassured. “Just breathe, okay? In and out slowly,”

Minji wasn’t listening, the quick short bursts of air echoing loudly in the tiled bathroom.

Minji shook her head franticly, “Out… I need— out.”

“You need to get out of here?” Siyeon asked as she helped Minji up.

“Please—” Minji choked out.

“Okay, okay, I got you,” Siyeon said, wrapping one arm around Minji’s waist to make sure Minji didn’t fall. Siyeon held Minji’s face to her chest so that she got some privacy with her hair covering her face as well, as they exited the bathroom. Finding Bora outside interrogating their manager, Siyeon indicated to them they were going outside, and guided the leader towards the exit to the back garden.

Siyeon cursed when she found a couple of trainees outside, but she was thankful for her threatening aura this time as they quickly bowed and scrambled inside with one look from her at them and then at the door. She would make it up to them later.

Hurriedly sitting them on the bench, Siyeon maneuvered Minji so that the eldest was sitting next to her, legs over her lap and tucked Minji’s head under her chin so that Minji’s face was nuzzled against her neck and started taking deliberate deep breaths to get Minji to follow her.

Minji only rarely got panic attacks, but they did happen. The first time Bora had rushed out to get help, seeing as the young leader herself was terrified that she suddenly couldn’t breathe. Siyeon had stayed behind with Minji and just held her tight, counting the seconds till Bora came back with a doctor, whispering to Minji over and over that she will be alright, and somehow, she managed to calm Minji down. 

Since then, all of them have learned more about panic attacks, Siyeon and Bora having convinced Minji to let the younger members know too, just in case it happened when they were there. On the rare occasion that it did happen, Siyeon remained to be the person to calm Minji down; the leader having mentioned that Siyeon always made her feel safe. A fact that Siyeon cherished, considering she was always criticized for being quick to anger when triggered, but Minji assured her that it wasn’t always a bad thing because it came hand in hand with Siyeon’s protectiveness over them and had on multiple occasions made sure no harm came to them, even just from someone’s careless words.

With the help of the older members, Siyeon had worked on reigning that anger which had become an issue since their first debut project fell apart, and she had promised that she would be the constant shield in their lives. Especially for the leader, who never showed that she needed protection, her skin seemingly thick enough to not only bounce off the harshest of criticism but also to make sure it didn’t reach the other members. But Minji was only human, and it was the panic attacks that revealed the crack in her armor, but Siyeon was happy to fill those crevices for Minji to get her back on her feet.

So right now, Siyeon made sure to flood Minji’s senses with her presence, her body draping over Minji’s like a safety blanket, arms over arms, hands intertwined, promises of “you’re alright” “breathe” “I got you” “just breathe for me” “you’re safe now” whispered over and over till the leader’s breathing finally stuttered as it started slowing down.

Siyeon kissed the top of Minji’s head and now that the situation wasn’t as urgent, noticed Bora had joined them outside, a contemplative, pained look on her face, and Siyeon was itching to ask her if she found out anything.

“Si—” Minji’s voice broke with the syllables of Siyeon’s name, and Siyeon hugged the now more cogent leader tighter. “Siyeona.”

“Yeah unnie?” Siyeon kept her voice low, having been taking full advantage of what she was told of about her voice having a soothing quality at that pitch.

“I—” Minji took a deep breath but the leader was still shaking. “I am—”

Minji wasn’t able to say what she wanted and instead buried her face back into Siyeon’s neck, the latter feeling the tears on her skin.

Siyeon didn’t know how to hold the leader any closer without starting to hurt her. Minji was scared. That much Siyeon could tell. But like the night at the hospital, Siyeon had no idea of what.

Bora approached the pair, a hand reaching out to pat Minji’s head, but it made the leader again flinch.

“It’s just Bora,” Siyeon assured and Minji relaxed.

“Tae oppa has the car out in front to take us home,” Bora said softly. “Do you wanna do that Minji?”

Minji’s quick nod was all they needed to get moving.

Exhausted, Minji ended up between Siyeon and Bora on either side of her. She was snuggled to Siyeon’s side, her head securely in Siyeon’s arm while Bora was behind the leader, lightly scratching at her head, a pattern that was lulling the leader into a state of slumberness. Siyeon would’ve found their positions very cute if it weren’t for the events that led them there and if there weren’t silent tears damping Siyeon’s shirt.

“Unnie, you haven’t had a panic attack in a while,” Siyeon started softly. “What happened?”

Minji didn’t answer but she slightly shifted so that her face was more nuzzled into Siyeon.

Siyeon expected the evasiveness, Minji always getting shy after being vulnerable with them and also considering how Minji had been clamped up lately.

“Did—” Bora hesitated. “Did something happen in the meeting with the CEO?”

Minji froze, a chill running down her body that made Siyeon tighten her hold on Minji.

“Hey, you’re with us. Just us,” Siyeon assured as she felt Minji’s breathing pick up. Siyeon didn’t know that Minji had a meeting with the CEO but figured that Bora got that information from their manager. And this was the confirmation for something at the meeting having triggered Minji.

Bora also moved closer so that her body was flush with Minji’s. “Minji, talk to us.”

Minji shook her head, and Siyeon dipped down, hand lightly pushing Minji’s chin up so that she can see her face.

“Unnie, you know we have your back no matter what it is. Let us be there for you,” Siyeon pleaded and saw how Minji’s eyes were screaming out for help but Minji not doing so. The tears welled up in Siyeon’s eyes, “Please unnie… I hate seeing you like this. Let us help you.”

Minji wrapped her arms around Siyeon, bringing the younger one closer to her. And Siyeon hated that she couldn’t offer the same comfort to the leader that she was given by just a hug from Minji.

“I’m working on it Siyeona. Don’t worry so much about me,” then Minji shifted so she could see Bora. “You too Bboya.”

Siyeon held her scoff. How could she not worry?

They had thought things were getting better the last couple of weeks. Minji had been much more relaxed and engaged in their activities. It had seemed the collaboration pulled Minji out of the slump she was in. Yoohyeon had told them the same; that Minji was so alive in Sunmi’s studio as opposed to in their company and the younger said she would try to talk to Minji to see if there was something workwise, they could change or help her achieve, all of them still holding a grudge against the company about the special clip cancellation.

“You can’t ask us to stop worrying about you,” Bora said, uncharacteristically quiet. “We love you Minji. It hurts that you won’t let us in.”

“I’m… I’m sorry…” Minji said, tears running down her face.

Bora groaned as tears escaped her eyes as well, “You idiot! You’re making me cry too.”

Minji gave a watery chuckle as Bora hugged her and Siyeon quickly joined in to so that the leader was squished in between them. Siyeon exchanged a helpless look with Bora. Siyeon hoped this gave the leader some ounce of comfort since they couldn’t do anything else.

Please let us find a way to help her. Siyeon sent out a silent prayer.

Minji felt both cold and warm at the same time as she sat on Sunmi’s couch accepting the glass of wine she offered. The wine was not meant to be consumed at the speed Minji did, and Sunmi quirked an eyebrow at her action.

“Is everything okay?” Sunmi asked softly, sitting next to Minji and settling a comforting hand on her back.

Sunmi must have felt the way Minji’s body was wrecked with tremors because she took the glass away to set it on the table and held Minji’s freezing hands in her own.

“Did something happen?”

Sunmi’s voice was all empathy and encouragement, and Minji hated herself for clinging onto the comfort for a while longer, before she ruined her friendship with Sunmi forever.

“Unnie… I need to tell you something,” Minji’s voice wavered. She needed to tell Sunmi what happened.

Not for herself, Minji was never going to follow through with what the CEO “suggested” nor did she have any doubts about Sunmi’s actual intentions. But Minji needed to do this for Sunmi. Insinuations like the CEO made could ruin the artist’s reputation if they became public, especially in the society they lived in. And that was whether the information was true or not, the media would latch onto anything they can sell as a scandal and the public would eat it up with no mercy. For being her safe haven the last few weeks, Minji wanted to make sure that nothing bad would come to Sunmi because of her association with Minji.

There was also a part of her that was worried about hurting Sunmi’s feelings, the CEO having successfully planted the seed of doubt in her mind. There was no reason for Sunmi to have approached Minji on the day they met at the photoshoot. There was no reason for Sunmi to have invited Minji to join her. There was no reason for Sunmi to have gone out of her way to find Minji when she skipped lunch. Everything after could be because of the song Minji wrote but was the collaboration purely because of Minji’s talents? Minji didn’t doubt Sunmi’s character or the genuineness of their friendship, but it wouldn’t be the first time Minji completely missed the signs that someone was into her, the members constantly teased her about her obliviousness. The CEO said he was just following up on what she had already done. Had she maybe been unknowingly taking advantage of Sunmi’s feelings? Minji carried that additional worry on top of the already heavy burden on her shoulders. 

Sunmi frowned, “Okay… What is it?”

“There was—I had a meeting with the CEO today…” Minji started, tears quick to her eyes before she even confessed, understanding very well what was at stake here.

“About the song being on my album?” Sunmi asked. “Your company hasn’t gotten back to me yet. I have to say I’m a bit surprised considering how enthusiastic they have been in answering communications from my company.”

Minji’s breath stuttered. He really expected her to go through with what he said. He was waiting for the additional offer.

“Did he say no? Is this what you want to tell me?” Sunmi asked her tone laced with confusion but still reassuring.

Shaking her head, Minji answered, “No, he very much wants it to happen.”

“Then what is it?” Sunmi wasn’t giving Minji any more room to stall; Minji knew by now that Sunmi didn’t appreciate letting tension build up.

The darkening of the senior artist’s features as Minji revealed the CEO’s true nature didn’t do anything to quell the rising panic. Just repeating his cruel ideas was enough to dispel the safety that came from all the love and care Siyeon, and Bora had showered her in; it would’ve been overwhelming how much they love her, if she didn’t feel exactly the same. That was the reason after all why she had been willing to put up with all the shit the CEO has been putting her through.

“And he said I should play on that… Let you think I return your interest. Whatever it is, to get more out of the collaboration,” Minji didn’t even know if Sunmi understood her from how much she was crying as she finished retelling.

The silence in the room suffocated Minji. This would be a moment of failure that she would remember for the rest of her life. And it was all her fault.

“I’m so sorry sunbaenim,” reverted back to the honorific. She didn’t deserve to be this familiar with Sunmi anymore. 

The shame she felt at that moment magnified as the tears burnt hot on her face and Minji for the first time in her life went to her knees on the floor, bowing deeply. No apology would be enough, but Minji had to at least show her sincerity to Sunmi and hope that she didn’t think too badly of Minji for putting her in this situation.

The silence stretched until it was finally broken by Sunmi’s “Minji, come here.”

Minji complied right away, willing to do anything to fix this, to just have some semblance of maybe Sunmi not completely hating her. Minji sat down where Sunmi indicated on the couch next to her.

“Minji,” Sunmi said evenly, and Minji missed the warmth that was previously there. “What would you say if right now I had said that yes, I’m interested in you?”

Minji immediately looked up at Sunmi, having been expecting the singer to be angry, to kick her out of her apartment, to hold a grudge. Not this.

Sunmi quirked an eyebrow when Minji didn’t respond.

“I— I would’ve been flattered sunbaenim,” Minji looked away, wringing her hands in her lap, “But— But I… I have someone. I’m sorry.” Minji was still worried about the possibility of hurting Sunmi’s feelings.

“And if I had said that your CEO is right, and this collaboration would only continue if you ‘returned my affection’.”

Minji had to keep her belief in Sunmi intact, trusting herself to having judged Sunmi’s character correctly. Sunmi has been such a kind person. Minji has seen it for herself how good Sunmi was, how she took care of Minji since the first time they had met, how all her staff had nothing but praises for her, how she guided Yoohyeon through her nerves with so much patience. Sunmi gave Minji room to breathe, to speak out her feelings without needing to explain anything, just lending a listening ear and unparalleled creativity to channel them. Even the CEO recognized that, his entire sick plan was because he thought Sunmi wouldn’t actually make any moves despite her assumed interest. That’s why he had wanted Minji to take the initiative.

Sunmi continued, “And if I had said your CEO will not be happy at all if such a big opportunity was lost.”

There was no answer from Minji to this hypothetical scenario. Minji had no idea what she would have done had Sunmi been that kind of person.

Sunmi shook her head, the frown not leaving her face, “The power imbalance between us is too big Minji. If this had been my intention from the start, to offer collaboration for a relationship or sex or whatever… You would be risking not just the collaboration, but your career even, whether you ‘played on it’ or not.”

Sunmi added with a sigh, “And I don’t know how you got convinced that if there was any interest on my side, one that led me to pursue this, that it would be your fault. That you were leading me on… You’re really sweet Minji, but you should never apologize to me or anyone else about something like this. None of this is fault.”

Minji’s mind was a whirl, exhaustion taking over as the relief flooded her with Sunmi’s reassurance. But the headache from the voices screaming at her remained. The situation with the CEO was still the same. Something she opened herself up to.

Sunmi placed her hand, palm up in the distance that was now between them and Minji shakily reached out to the offered hand.

“Thank you for telling me, Minji. I really appreciate your honesty and how much you value our relationship,” Sunmi said, sincerity dripping in her words, a kind smile on her face. Minji returned the smile weakly.

Sunmi continued softly, “I have to ask though, because it’s pretty fucked up that your CEO had asked that of you. Has he done this before?”

Smile dropping, Minji shook her head.

“Why now then? I know it’s a big collaboration for you guys and his company, but that’s not only a completely inappropriate thing to suggest to one of his idols, but also especially odd considering that I’m a woman.”

Minji felt her heart pick up its pace again as the truth threatened to stumble out of her. Sunmi’s calming presence has had that effect on her from their first meeting, when Minji without hesitation showed her lyrics to Sunmi.

Turned out, she didn’t have to explain because Sunmi’s eyes suddenly widened, “He knows you’re gay?”

Minji squeezed her eyes shut at the question, the words said out loud outside the safety of her group slamming right into her. Was she that obvious now?

“How did you…” Minji’s voice came out hoarse, defeated.

Sunmi softened, pulling slightly on Minji’s hand to indicate to Minji to move closer to her.

“Well, confirmation was just now because you would’ve said you weren’t into women, not that you ‘had someone’,” Sunmi said in a soothing voice, “but besides that, I have a feeling for this sort of thing. Some people just draw me to them. Kindred spirits and all.”

Minji scoffed at herself for the slip up, head shaking. Once again, great. 

“You’re safe here, Minji-yah. Don’t worry,” Sunmi reassured, “My sexuality is more open than secret at this point, so you know I’m not gonna judge or tell anyone.”

Way to keep it under wraps. Why doesn’t she just go online and announce it to the world next time?

“Yes sunbaenim,” Minji replied almost robotically.

Sunmi chided, “Hey, none of that sunbaenim again, we are friends, right?”

Minji quickly nodded her head, “Sorry unnie.”

“Good,” Sunmi said, then switched back to serious, “How did he find out?”

He found out because she was an idiot.

“Someone from the staff… saw me with— someone…”

Because she had no self-restraint.

“And told him… Showed him.”

What did she expect would happen, kissing in a public space?

“Shit,” Sunmi cursed, “He obviously hasn’t terminated your contract, but from tonight I can see he wouldn’t be the type to just be okay with it and letting you be.” Sunmi then scoffed, and asked rhetorically, “What, is he gonna hold it over you and expect you to do whatever he wants?”

Minji’s head dropped forward onto her hand, her hair hiding the tears springing again in her eyes. Pathetic.

Sunmi gasped, anger lacing her tone now, “No! Minji, seriously?”

The shaking shoulders were enough of an answer.

Sunmi had her mouth hung open in disbelief. “Do your members know this?”

“No. They can’t know about this.”

“Why not? Do you think they won’t support you? I thought you guys were really close?”

Minji gave a watery chuckle, “We are. It’s quite the opposite. They already know about me being… that I’m…”

Words that were never a shame for her before, were now stuck in her throat, refusing to leave. Sunmi rubbed her arm sympathetically, urging her to continue.

“They would be livid.” Minji skipped ahead, “I know them, they would want to leave the company. I would be ending Dreamcatcher,” at the thought, Minji’s tears ran rampant. “I can’t—I can’t do that. We’ve worked so hard. We’re finally seeing our efforts pay off. We already went through this before. They are still suffering from that.”

Some leader she was.

Minji recalled how the first couple of albums, Bora got nightmares every time that it would be the last. Siyeon used to get terrible stage fright every performance. Dami would shut down to the world around her, and Yoohyeon’s anxiety would leave her shaking all over. Even Gahyeon and Handong had been super cautious with everything, inheriting the second-hand fear from the previous Minx members. They were all finally enjoying their work with these fears buried away under their continuing success.

Their dream would be wiped away in a second, after they poured in their everything. Just because of how much they loved her. The least she could do was go through this to return their love.

“Minji, I understand. Really, I do. But how long do you think you’d be able to do this for? You lucked out this time because thankfully it was me. But what about the next time he “suggests” this again? What if the next time it’s not a suggestion anymore? There will always be people willing to take advantage of vulnerable women, and he’s not only doing that, but also practically offering you up to others to do the same, instead of protecting you.” The last part added with a disgusted sneer.

“What choice do I have?” Minji sobbed. She had been wondering that since the beginning. She didn’t have any. “I can’t be the reason Dreamcatcher ends. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t.” She couldn’t be. They loved her, but deep down they would resent her. She would lose her family; always being a reminder that she was the one to cut their dreams short.

Sunmi’s arms wrapped tightly around Minji’s frame, absorbing some of the bone-wrecking release of emotion. The reality of the situation crashing down on Minji with the words said out loud. The pain that has been growing in her for the last couple of months suddenly bloomed, filling her chest, leaving no room for her lungs to expand, her heart struggling to push against the confines it was now in.

“Hey hey Minji look at me,” Sunmi instructed urgently, but Minji couldn’t catch her breath.

She did this to herself.

Air was moving in and out of her chest like sandpaper scratching at her airways.

If she hadn’t been selfish.

The hammering of her heart was echoing so loudly that she moved to cover her ears.

If she were strong enough from the start.

The tears burned hot as they slid down Minji’s face.

If she weren’t so stupid.

“Minji, you need to breathe.”

Minji vaguely heard Sunmi cursing as hands on her face tried to get her attention, but dark spots were filling Minji’s vision with the realization that she was stuck.

There was nothing she could do.

Chapter Text

“What’s going on? Where’s Minji unnie?” Siyeon asked in lieu of a greeting as soon as Sunmi opened the door and Yoohyeon would’ve chided her for her lack of manners if she hadn’t been so worried.

Sunmi had called her very early in the morning asking her to come over because Sunmi had to head out for a schedule soon but Minji wasn’t doing too well and she didn’t want to leave her alone. Siyeon immediately offered to join Yoohyeon for support, which Yoohyeon was quick to accept, as she had no idea what to expect.

“Thanks for coming,” Sunmi greeted them with a tired smile. “Come in please,” Sunmi led them inside her house and another time, Yoohyeon would have been in disbelief at being in her favorite idol’s place, but there was nothing on her mind other than Minji ever since Siyeon and Bora had told her about Minji’s panic attack the previous day and then Minji disappearing off, only for Yoohyeon to receive a late text from Sunmi letting her know that Minji was spending the night at her place. Any spark of jealousy was buried under a mountain of concern before it could flare up.

“Is unnie okay?” Yoohyeon asked.

Sunmi sighed, “She’s sleeping now. She had a rough night.”

“What does that mean? What happened?” Siyeon frowned.

“Does she get panic attacks? Regularly?” Sunmi asked instead, and Yoohyeon felt a weight settle on her chest.

“She had a panic attack? When?” Siyeon’s voice held an edge to it. Yoohyeon couldn’t blame her when Siyeon was the one the leader always turned to in such situations.

“Last night. It was… pretty bad. I couldn’t get her to calm down. She passed out,” Sunmi said regretfully.

“What? Last night? Why didn’t you call us right away? Where is she?” Siyeon fired questions at Sunmi and Yoohyeon was glad the older member was there, Siyeon’s protectiveness washing some calm over her, knowing that Siyeon would do everything she could to make sure nothing happened to any of them, no matter who it was she had to stand up against.

“She’s in my bedroom.”

Dread gripped at Yoohyeon’s limbs at the answer, which earned what could only be described as a growl from Siyeon as she took a threatening step towards Sunmi.

“What did you do?”

Sunmi surprisingly stayed calm despite the anger radiating off Dreamcatcher’s main vocalist.

“Siyeon, please calm down. You may have not noticed, but my house is under renovations. I wasn’t exactly expecting guests but I wasn’t going to leave Minji on the couch after what happened. A couch which I didn’t sleep very restfully on, if I may add,” Sunmi explained calmly and a quick look around confirmed exactly that. Scaffolding, tarp, paint canisters, plastic sectioning off areas of the house, pillows and a blanket on the couch, prominent dark circles under Sunmi’s eyes. Sunmi was telling the truth.

Siyeon seemed to be only a bit pacified with the explanation, “What happened?”

But once again, Sunmi didn’t answer and instead turned to Yoohyeon. “Maybe you can go check on Minji, Yoohyeona? I don’t want her to wake up alone.”

Sunmi’s concern grated at Yoohyeon, as something must have triggered Minji and Sunmi was being too evasive for Yoohyeon to rule out that the veteran idol was the reason. But Yoohyeon wasn’t going to object to checking on Minji herself. Siyeon would handle questioning Sunmi anyway, if the main vocalist’s quick nod at Yoohyeon was any indication.

Yoohyeon followed Sunmi’s instructions to find her bedroom but froze at the door. Common courtesy always dictated respecting a host’s privacy, and entering Sunmi’s bedroom would be anything but that. However, when Yoohyeon caught a glimpse of Minji through the ajar door, she found herself automatically making her way towards the leader.

Minji wasn’t asleep, but was staring off into space, tears trailing down her face. Unease about being in Sunmi’s bedroom was quickly forgotten as Yoohyeon knelt on the ground next to the bed so that she was face-to-face with Minji.      

Yoohyeon was stunned at how Minji’s eyes were glazed over, the latter despite being awake not looking like she recognized that Yoohyeon was even there.

“Minji…” Yoohyeon called out as she caressed Minji’s face, thumb softly wiping away uselessly at the tears that kept on coming. “Hey Minji,” But Minji didn’t respond, eyes staring blankly right through Yoohyeon.

“Minji?” Yoohyeon called her name more urgently, fear burning in her chest at the leader’s state.

Yoohyeon grew desperate, the only thing she could think of was sliding into bed with her girlfriend, pulling Minji protectively close to her chest, hoping Minji would find some comfort in her presence.

Minji’s tears continued to burn against Yoohyeon’s skin.

Yoohyeon didn ’t know how to help Minji.

————

Minji’s whimpers snapped Yoohyeon out of her thoughts. Yoohyeon dipped down, once again caressing Minji’s face.

“Minji?” Yoohyeon called out hesitantly, knowing that if Minji was unresponsive again that they would need to get someone involved.

Yoohyeon hadn’t been able to succumb to slumber like the leader did. Her worry for Minji keeping her on high alert. Siyeon had come in at some point, a scowl on her face from having gotten no real information from Sunmi, only the instructions to stay in her house till she came back from her radio appearance and to under no circumstances tell their company they were there. Yoohyeon told Siyeon with a watery voice about Minji’s condition before she fell asleep, and Siyeon received the news with as heavy a heart, suggesting that maybe professional help was needed, as they were getting into uncharted territories with the frequent panic attacks and now this.

“Hyeon?” Minji’s eyes snapped to Yoohyeon, voice coming in hoarse, half-questioning, half-relieved.

Yoohyeon let out the breath she was holding as her lover’s eyes met hers.

“I’m here,” Yoohyeon reassured, but Minji’s eyes quickly filled with tears. “I’m here, baby.” Yoohyeon hugged Minji.

A sob escaped Minji at the action and Yoohyeon tightened her hold, feeling Minji shaking against her chest.

Yoohyeon heart was breaking. Something obviously happened to Minji the day before and Yoohyeon was terrified that Minji would not talk about it.

“I’m here Minji, I got you,” Yoohyeon tried to stay as calm as she could be, repeating phrases she has heard from Siyeon, hoping that she can keep the leader calm and stave off the oncoming panic attack judging from how Minji’s breathing was picking up.

“You’re safe with me, I won’t let anything happen to you baby, I swear.”

“You can’t promise that,” came Minji’s watery reply.

Yoohyeon felt the pain deep in her chest at the response. Yoohyeon pulled back from Minji, softly turning Minji’s face up so that she can meet her eyes. “I CAN promise that Minji,” Yoohyeon’s conviction steeled her voice, “if you let me help you, I promise I will do everything in my power to…”

Yoohyeon hesitated, she didn’t know what it was that she was supposed to do, she just knew that she would do whatever it is that Minji needed, “—to do whatever you need Minji. I will do anything and everything to make sure that you feel safe and happy.”

Minji’s breath stuttered, the up and down rise of her chest slowing down as she stared into Yoohyeon’s eyes.

“You are my heart, Minji. I’ll keep you safe forever.”

Unexpectedly Minji pulled her in for a kiss in response, and Yoohyeon immediately complied. The kiss tasted of salt from Minji’s tears but Yoohyeon didn’t mind if it was what would give her comfort at the moment.

Minji cut their kiss short, resting her forehead against Yoohyeon’s and Yoohyeon can see tiredness wash over Minji, as if her strength giving away now with the assurance that someone was there to protect here. That Yoohyeon was there to protect her.

“Talk to me, baby,” Yoohyeon almost begged, not able to stand seeing Minji in so much pain any longer.

Minji looked up at the ceiling, not knowing what to say, but Yoohyeon by now knew better than to ask what happened the previous day that triggered Minji, despite her worries. Whatever was happening was obviously something Minji would refuse to talk about, but Yoohyeon didn’t need to know the specifics to help her.

“I—” Minji took a deep breath, “I think I need h—”

A knock on the door startled the both of them, making them sit up. Yoohyeon barely held in a string of curses at the interruption. Minji was about to talk.

“Hey,” Siyeon’s greeted as she slowly walked into the room. “Unnie, you’re awake now…”

Minji nodded but looked surprised, Yoohyeon figured the leader didn’t realize that Siyeon was there.

Siyeon looked relieved at receiving a response but still silently checked with Yoohyeon with a pointed stare, and Yoohyeon nodded but still glared at the main vocalist. 

Siyeon looked at Yoohyeon apologetically as she said, “Sunmi is back…”

The sentence seemed like it brought down the weight of the world on Minji’s shoulders. Minji closed her eyes as her head fell forward, almost as if in defeat.

Yoohyeon was alarmed at the reaction, and now regretted listening to Sunmi about not leaving the apartment. One look at Siyeon told Yoohyeon that she felt the same.

“Minji, we can just go home. We don’t have to stay here. We have the car with us,” Yoohyeon offered, her doubts about Sunmi resurfacing.

Minji looked as if she was contemplating it, and Yoohyeon was already trying to plan how to leave without having Sunmi interact with Minji, but then the latter shook her head.

“I— I have to talk to her,” Minji said in a small voice, sparking Yoohyeon’s protectiveness again.

“You don’t have to do anything Minji,” Yoohyeon said, and was supported by Siyeon’s nodding. “Especially if it’s gonna trigger you again…”

Despite her somber mood, Minji looked up at Yoohyeon with so much love as if Yoohyeon’s protectiveness meant so much to her. The younger gulped, feeling unworthy of such adoration from Minji, when Yoohyeon hasn’t been actually able to do anything to help her. Yet.

Minji shook her head again, “I need to… It’s important.”

Reading something in how Minji was wringing her hands nervously, Yoohyeon turned her body so that she was facing her and asked, “What do you need, baby?”

Minji took a deep breath, and looked up at Yoohyeon hesitantly. Yoohyeon tried to convey as much support as she could by holding Minji’s hands and maintaining eye contact. If only Minji knew how much Yoohyeon was willing to do for her.

“I need to talk to Sunmi alone…” Minji started.

The thought of letting Minji talk with Sunmi when the previous night something happened when she was alone with Sunmi giving her a bad enough panic attack that she passed out made Yoohyeon feel sick. Yoohyeon was sure Minji’s empty eyes will haunt her dreams.

Yoohyeon tried to keep the hurt from seeping into her voice, “You want us to leave you alone again? After last night?” After earlier? Yoohyeon didn’t add the last part when she hadn’t manage to bring it up with Minji yet.

Minji swallowed and shook her head, “It’s unfair of me to ask this, but… could you wait for me? I need to talk to Sunmi alone, but…”

“Of course I will Minji,” Yoohyeon quickly answered without hesitation, understanding that Minji needed a private conversation but she didn’t want to be alone. The vulnerable request making Yoohyeon feel relieved. Because while the request was frustrating, in basically giving Yoohyeon no information and asking her to maybe let Minji get hurt again, Minji was also asking Yoohyeon to be there to catch her if she fell. And Yoohyeon had just promised she would do whatever Minji needed.

Yoohyeon wanted to cry at how relieved Minji looked at Yoohyeon agreeing to essentially just doing nothing. How did Minji isolate herself so much that a simple request had become so difficult?

Siyeon didn’t look like she agreed with the plan but she said she trusted Yoohyeon’s judgment as they headed to go wait in the car. Although, they didn’t leave the house without Siyeon leveling Sunmi with another glare and even Yoohyeon gave a warning that they will be right outside waiting for Minji.

This unexpectedly earned them a soft smile from the senior artist. “I’m glad she has people who love her so much,” Sunmi said, then her smile was wiped away as she glanced at her bedroom, where Minji still was. “But I’m not the one you need to worry about.”

“Can you stop being so vague and tell us what is going on?” Yoohyeon was the one who snapped, surprising both Siyeon and Sunmi.

“Yoohyeon…” Sunmi sighed.

“We can’t help her if we don’t know what’s happening.” Yoohyeon pleaded, tears of frustration pooling in her eyes. She had to keep her patience with Minji but she couldn’t hold it in with Sunmi.

“I can’t break her trust Yoohyeon,” Sunmi’s answer angered Yoohyeon. Who was Sunmi to have earned Minji’s trust in a few weeks when Yoohyeon (and the rest of the group) has known Minji for so long. How could Yoohyeon even say she was in a relationship with Minji when she only knew snippets about what was going on in Minji’s life?

Sunmi’s declaration kept on ringing in Yoohyeon’s ears as they sat waiting in silence in the car. What did Minji need protection from?

————————

Flashback

“Minji pleaseeee,” Yoohyeon whined. “No one else will help me film this tiktok and you know I need to keep us up to date with the trends.”

“ Need to … ” Minji cooed at the seriousness in Yoohyeon’s voice, “and no one will help because you make too many videos Yoohyeona.”

The younger girl had been trying to explain the idea to her, showing her some videos as they finished lunch and headed to the practice room.

“I don’t post most of the videos I make, but I won’t know if it’s good till I film it,” Yoohyeon argued with a pout and Minji wanted to give in just because of how cute she was being. “It doesn’t even take that long!”

“Why do they have to be so embarrassing though? Even Bora was cringing at herself after the last one. Kim “shameless” Bora!”

“You’re all just too old,” Yoohyeon grumbled, earning herself a glare from the leader.

“If you’re trying to convince me here, you’re really failing.”

Yoohyeon changed tactics, batting her eyelashes, moving closer, trailing her fingers up Minji ’s arm, “Minji. Love of my life. Apple of my eye. The sun in the sky—”

Minji interrupted her incredulously, “—Seriously? I wake up alone in bed this morning because you and Gahyeon fell asleep in the living room playing video games, but this makes you remember that I’m your girlfriend?”

Minji intended to tease Yoohyeon but the younger girl froze. Minji frowned, “What?”

Yoohyeon flushed red, and asked in a quiet voice, “Girlfriend?”

“Uhmmm yes?” Minji said, then paused realizing this was the first time she said it. “I guess we never really talked about it, but I just assumed that’s what we were… If—” Minji gulped, feeling her heart rate pick up at having possibly overstepped, “If you don’t—If it’s too soon… Sorry I shouldn’t have assumed—”

But then Yoohyeon ’s lips were suddenly crashing on to hers, and she was automatically kissing her back, her body humming with electricity, feeling like she could never get used to Yoohyeon’s touch being a normal fixture in her life. Yoohyeon deepened the kiss, hands on Minji’s waist pulling her closer, and Minji would’ve happily obliged into melting into Yoohyeon’s touch, if she hadn’t remembered they were literally in the middle of a hallway. Minji instead gave a quick peck to Yoohyeon’s lips before disconnecting them.

Yoohyeon pulled back slightly but rested her forehead on Minji ’s. The haggared breaths tickling Minji’s lips, testing her self-restraint.

“What was that for?” Minji asked, trying to slow down her breathing, to keep them in control considering they were in the company.

“For already thinking of me as your girlfriend,” Yoohyeon simply said as she finally pulled away, her eyes crinkled into crescents from the wide smile on her face. The sight of Yoohyeon’s happiness tugging at Minji’s heart.

Minji looked back at her girlfriend fondly, “It’s not too soon for you?”

“I’d say it’s probably a bit late,” Yoohyeon joked lightly. “I’ve been trying to think of how to bring it up…”

Minji pouted, “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize this was something we needed to talk about.”

Yoohyeon nudged Minji ’s nose. “Why are you sorry? I didn’t bring it up either.”

“Because I’m the older one here. If I knew we were gonna have this conversation, I would’ve planned out something romantic for us,” Minji said regretfully, already trying to think of plan for the evening to make up for taking a step forward in their relationship in such a messy way.

“I know you’re a bit older, but we’re partners here, right?” Yoohyeon asked softly and Minji nodded quickly, earning a smile from Yoohyeon. “You don’t need to feel like you’re the responsible one in our relationship. We do things together, okay?”

Minji didn ’t think she could love Yoohyeon anymore than she already did but the way she felt as if her heart just expanded proved her wrong. Minji couldn’t help but pull Yoohyeon in for another kiss.

Later, the door to their practice room slammed open, a bang echoing in the room from how loud the door hit the wall, making the girls jump at the intrusion.

“Kim Jiu!” the CEO snarled as he stalked into the room towards Minji.

“Yes, CEO-nim?” Minji’s voice wavered at the anger radiating off the CEO. “Is—is everything okay?

“My office. Now.” The CEO’s tone was laced with venom and Minji tried not to let the anxiety get the best of her as she followed his stomping steps, the concerned eyes of her members on her back.

Nothing would be the same after that.

———

Minji had woken up with a racing heart, her body recoiling at the memory of why she wasn’t able to call Yoohyeon her girlfriend anymore without feeling sick. But Yoohyeon put a stop to the panic before it can take hold with her unshakable promise to keep Minji safe.

Minji always relied on Siyeon and Bora when she needed help, never considering to burden the younger members when she was their leader. But today Yoohyeon had managed to calm Minji in a way that even Siyeon was never able to, quickly worming her way past Minji’s overwhelming thoughts and easing her troubled heart by showing her how much love Yoohyeon had for her, even when Minji didn’t make it easy for Yoohyeon to love her.

And Minji selfishly clung to what Yoohyeon offered: support without needing to explain. Minji owed Yoohyeon so much more than what she was giving her. But with how things took a turn to the worse with the CEO, and realizing the full extent of the predicament she was in, something in Minji broke last night. And she didn’t know where to go from there. 

“What do you wanna do Minji?” Sunmi asked softly, “I will do whatever I can to help you.”

Minji felt herself tear up from Sunmi’s kindness. She has known the senior artist for only a few weeks, has given her plenty of reason to not want to associate with her anymore, and yet Sunmi was offering her help.

“That’s very kind of you unnie, but you don’t have to.”

“We’ve grown quite close and I like having you in my life Minji. I want to help you,” Sunmi insisted, “and it looks like me wanting to collaborate with you got you in a mess—”

“—That’s not your fault unnie!” Minji interjected right away, not wanting Sunmi to feel feel guilty about the situation Minji found herself in.

Sunmi smiled at the assurance, “I know. But it’s not yours either.”

Minji looked away at that, but Sunmi’s fingers were on her face making Minji look her in the eyes.

“It’s not your fault,” Sunmi said resolutely, and Minji wished she could believe her. But it was her fault. “Minji, this situation you’re in is all entirely your CEO’s cruelty and greed. Would you say it’s their fault if any of your other members were in this situation?”

Minji immediately shook her head, not even wanting to think of this hypothetical.

Sunmi sighed, and remarked off-topic, “You’re not giving them the freedom to make their own choice here.”

“I don’t want them to make a choice,” Minji answered, exhaustion seeping into her voice. Telling the members was not an option. She just wanted to go back to a few months ago when everything was normal, and she didn’t know about anyone’s true nature.

A few months ago, she and Yoohyeon weren’t together though. Minji hated that she didn’t know anymore what she would actually choose if she had been presented with the options.

“I don’t agree with you, but it’s your choice,” Sunmi said in resignation. “So what do we do now? I want to say that canceling this collaboration would be best.”

Minji felt the weight of disappointment crash on her at the words. This could’ve been a huge exposure for the group, especially Yoohyeon. She was going to be letting Yoohyeon down because of her choices. But she couldn’t blame Sunmi, she put the veteran idol in a very bad position. “I understand unnie.”

“Not for me Minji,” Sunmi explained. “But for you. If we go on, your CEO will think that his sick tactics can work and he might try something like this again.”

“But if we cancel it, he will get very angry and will probably want to punish me for it,” Minji couldn’t help but shudder at the thought. She was already in the middle of one punishment, she didn’t want to think of how it could get worse.

Sunmi sighed. “What do you want to do?”

“I don’t want to cancel it,” Minji said, in a small voice, knowing she was just voicing out a selfish desire. “I love how the song turned out. We’ve all put in a lot of effort into it, and you and Yoohyeon have really taken it to a level I could’ve never imagined. Yooh—”

“If you do this Minji, it can’t be for Yoohyeon,” Sunmi said straightforwardly.

“But—”

“—This is much bigger than her getting her dream collaboration come true,” Sunmi didn’t give Minji a chance to respond, “I will make it up to her, I promise. Another song, another time. Something within my power and away from your company. But you know she wouldn’t want you doing this for her.”

“She’s going to be so disappointed,” Minji said, her voice watery at the thought of breaking Yoohyeon’s heart.

“Not as disappointed as she would be if she ever found out the cost to get her this song. You don’t want to taint her dream like that, trust me.”

And as reluctant as Minji was to take Yoohyeon’s dream away from her, Minji also knew the bitter taste of having a good memory tainted. Already this collaboration was something of a dream come true for Minji herself, never having imagined writing and producing a song with such an influential artist, a really high praise to her talents; but whether the song comes out or not, yesterday would always be what she thought of. Minji didn’t even think she could listen to that song again. And while Minji would do everything in her power to never have the details of what was going on with the company come out, because she knew that day would be the day Dreamcatcher ends, she couldn’t guarantee it 100%. So she had to weigh the cost of disappointing Yoohyeon now versus potentially ruining the memory of Yoohyeon’s dream in the future.

“I don’t know what will happen if I go back to the CEO empty handed.”

“Well it was a lot of assumption on his part. I’m always really forward when I meet someone that I like,” Sunmi added in disdain,  “but it doesn’t mean I am romantically or sexually interested in them. I just value having the right people in my life.”

“I’m really sorry unnie. I swear I didn’t assume this was your intention, I’ve been very grateful for our friendship as well…”

Sunmi patted her head, “I know Minji. You’re a good person, and you don’t deserve any of this. I’ve really enjoyed working with you as well, you’re a brilliant songwriter, even more so now that I understand more about where your words came from.”

Then Sunmi sighed, pushing her hair away from her face and Minji saw the unshed tears.

“What is it?” Minji moved closer, hating to have inadvertently caused her pain.

“I just realized. In order for this plan to work, making your CEO think I canceled the collaboration because of you supposedly following his ‘suggestions’, it means we can’t be seen together again…”

Sunmi’s words slammed into Minji.

She was going to lose the only person she had been able to open up to about her thoughts and feelings, the only one who also now knew part of what was going on in her life. The thought of going back to being completely alone with the voices in her head made the tears fall down her face.

“Hey hey, don’t cry,” Sunmi said hypocritically considering the older woman herself was crying too, “I’m still going to be here for you Minji. We can text, we can call, we can even still meet up but we’ll just have to be very very careful.”

Minji appreciated Sunmi’s reassurance, but they both knew it wouldn’t be the same. Part of the comfort Minji had found in Sunmi was the eldest providing an escape for her, and Minji provided the company of an artist who knew how to utilize inner-turmoil in music. If any word of one meet-up came to light it would undo everything.

The two held each other in resignation.

How much more cruel could the world get?

——————

Minji was quiet when she got in the car, but her bloodshot eyes betrayed that she had been crying again. Yoohyeon slipped out of the passenger seat to join Minji on the backseat. The leader looked so small as she let herself be tucked against Yoohyeon, staring silently outside the window as Siyeon drove them home, the main vocalist throwing back concerned glances through the rear-view mirror every now and then.

It was eerie how quiet Minji was. She didn’t say anything in the car. She didn’t say anything when they got to the dorm, only acknowledging the other members’ greetings with a nod. She didn’t say anything as she sat on her bed staring at the wall.

The silence was scarier to Yoohyeon than when Minji was crying. At least before, she could tell that Minji was hurting. But now Yoohyeon had no idea what was going on. Should Yoohyeon have stopped Minji from talking to Sunmi? Insisted that she stayed with Minji? Yoohyeon chided herself for making the wrong decision and not protecting Minji like she promised she would.

“Minji?” Yoohyeon broke the unbearable silence. “Are you okay?”

Minji took a minute to respond, making Yoohyeon’s anxiety multiply, her mind recalling Minji’s non-responsiveness this morning.

“I don’t know.” The simple words brought tears to Yoohyeon’s eyes.

Yoohyeon climbed into Minji’s bed, and pulled Minji so that the older girl was lying down on top of her. There was no resistance from Minji, her body following how ever Yoohyeon maneuvered her. Yoohyeon let the leader rest her head on Yoohyeon’s chest, ears right on top of Yoohyeon’s steady beating heart.

“Please don’t leave me,” Minji’s voice came low but still struck Yoohyeon like thunder. From the tone, she couldn’t tell if Minji was just referring to right now or in general.

“Never, baby.” Yoohyeon promised either way.

Yoohyeon felt how Minji’s hold on her tightened, so she kissed the top of Minji’s head as she also held her girlfriend closer, as if trying to keep her together.

Because it was obvious Minji was falling apart.

Chapter Text

Yoohyeon woke up exhausted and alone.

The first part was because Minji has been getting nightmares, but Yoohyeon refused to let her girlfriend sleep alone, instead making sure to stay with her so she was also woken up when Minji did. A new development, but not completely unexpected considering how much the leader was probably processing. Yoohyeon was just glad that Siyeon didn’t seem to object to Yoohyeon’s constant presence in their room, even sometimes generously going to sleep in Bora’s room so as to give the couple privacy.

The second part got her quickly sitting up. Where was Minji?

Yoohyeon reached for her phone to check the time, but found a folded paper on top of her phone, and opened it curiously.

‘Sorry you’re waking up alone, my love,
but I had to go to the company.
Hope you get to sleep in for a bit.
Thank you for last night,
and every night.
I love you. ’

Yoohyeon smiled softly at Minji leaving a note coupled with a drawing of a rabbit and dog with a small black heart between them at the bottom, then rolled her eyes at herself for smiling at a piece of paper. How could Minji have this effect on her even with just writing?

Yoohyeon was glad the leader didn’t apologize this time, Minji had been feeling so guilty about disrupting Yoohyeon’s sleep, as if Minji had any control over her own subconscious torturing her. As if Yoohyeon wouldn’t stay up all night if she could alleviate some of Minji’s pain.

Yoohyeon ventured to the kitchen where Bora was cooking.

“Good morning unnie,” Yoohyeon yawned, then mumbled a thanks when Bora placed a coffee mug in front of her. She inhaled the smell of the hot coffee, fighting the temptation to already take a sip when she knew it would be too hot.

Bora went back to preparing what Yoohyeon assumed was breakfast.

Yoohyeon looked to the side, seeing Dami stepping out of her room, not breaking their streak of waking up at the same time. Dami shot Yoohyeon an upnod, which Yoohyeon returned.

Yoohyeon turned back to Bora, “Do you know why Minji had to go to work so early?”

Bora sighed, “She got called in for a meeting with the CEO a couple of hours ago. She didn’t wanna wake you up, said you didn’t get much sleep, and I’m guessing not the good kind of ‘not getting sleep’”.

“The CEO? Again?” Yoohyeon stood up, her worry taking over. “Unnie you shouldn’t have let her—”

“Siyeon went with her,” Bora assured, but Yoohyeon could see by the way she was keeping her hands occupied that she was worried. “But then she couldn’t go into to the meeting with Minji, so she’s waiting outside. Just in case…”

“Just in case…” Yoohyeon scoffed. “This is too much for her, why are the company up her ass—”

Yoohyeon was interrupted by pings from everyone’s phone that filled her with dread. That was the work group chat.

“Looks like we’re about to find out,” Dami said as she stole Yoohyeon’s coffee mug, downing half of it.

“Yah! You don’t even like coffee,” Yoohyeon objected half-heartedly as she read the text from one of their managers.

‘CEO wants a meeting with all members. Please come to the company asap.’

“I have a feeling it’s gonna be a long day,” Dami shrugged.

———————

Minji followed the CEO into the conference room, head down till she reached her chair, refusing to look at any of the members, but she knew they were all on edge, having been called into the company for an urgent meeting with the CEO with no context.

Minji had to pretend not to see Siyeon’s open outstretched hand under the table, knowing the younger girl was itching to hold hers. Minji didn’t deserve this kind of comfort. Couldn’t give this kind of comfort.

 She expected the CEO’s anger, but didn’t see it going down like this. Any semblance of control she had on this situation quickly vanished the moment she was pulled into the same room as the girls she’s been trying to do all this for.

“What’s going on?” Bora asked. Minji knew the question was half-directed at her, but she was going to take the coward’s way out with ignoring them the whole time it seemed.

“Unfortunately, Jiu-ssi has some bad news to share,” the CEO said gravely. “It seems like she made a mistake that would cost us all a lot, isn’t that so Jiu-ssi?”

Minji hated how diplomatically he was speaking, as if he was actually concerned, as if he didn’t spend an hour yelling at her and making sure she knew she would pay for this; as if he didn’t call this meeting to make sure she was humiliated, instead of letting her talk to her members alone. Letting her talk to Yoohyeon alone.

At Minji’s silence, Bora answered, letting her confusion known with an eyebrow quirk, “Okay… whatever it is, I’m sure she didn’t mean any harm.”

The CEO sighed, “Oh I’m afraid this time, Jiu-ssi really didn’t exercise good judgment.”

Minji’s heart was hammering in her chest, her body shaking, having no idea how far the CEO will reveal after how unhinged he had gotten earlier.

He continued, the disappointment clouding his voice, “And at first it only impacted Siyeon’s career and I let it pass without making a fuss, but now it also jeopardized Yoohyeon’s career. The whole group’s success really.”

“What are you talking about? Jiu unnie would never do anything that would hurt the group or any of us,” Siyeon said resolutely. Actually, the whole group stared in disbelief at the CEO, no one even looking to question her.

Minji’s tried to hold back the tears at their blind trust in her. If there was one absolute truth about Minji, it was that she would always do everything in her power for the good of their group, even at the expense of herself. They knew that. But they didn’t know that this time her choice was to save herself. They didn’t know that she was in a situation where she had to choose herself, and it’s all because she fucked up from the start. Because she was selfish enough to follow her heart instead of looking out for them like she vowed.

“I—I didn’t…” Minji shook her head, then amended before the CEO spoke, “Not Siyeon’s…” Minji refused to take this accusation the CEO insisted on. Not when she finally understood her own choice.

The CEO shook his head. “So you’ll take responsibility for Yoohyeon’s but not Siyeon’s career? I think you need to tell them then and they can be the judge of that.”

Minji winced at his supposed suggestion. Tell them what? That the collaboration was canceled? That the collaboration was canceled because ‘she came onto Sunmi and Sunmi rejected her’? Or the truth? That she couldn’t do anything without fucking up and now they pay the price? That she has turned into a shitty leader and they didn’t deserve it?

Minji regretted taking a look at Siyeon. The main vocalist was looking at her, trust displayed openly on her face. Doubt wormed its way past Minji’s belief in her choice. Her body recoiled at the thought of her actions hurting also Siyeon.

“Part of being a leader is owning up to your mistakes Jiu-ssi. You’re responsible for 6 others, and you can’t even look them in the eyes and tell them what you did. I really didn’t think you would ever disappoint me… disappoint them like that, Jiu-ssi,” the CEO expressed sadly, but her name was spat out with venom.

Minji closed her eyes feeling the lump in her throat from trying to not cry. She didn’t need him to remind her of that. One fuck up after the next.

“Unnie wouldn’t— Could you just tell us what happened? I’m sure it’s all a misunderstanding and we can fix whatever it is,” Dami was the one who surprisingly spoke up, not able to stand the tension and accusations anymore.

“I wish it was. Unfortunately there is no fixing this. Go ahead Jiu-ssi, tell them,” the CEO encouraged, but she could see it in his eyes that he was mocking her.

She had Sunmi to back her up into making the presumably right choice, but Minji didn’t expect to want to immediately change her mind the moment she needed to confront her members.

But he was right, she needed to take responsibility for her actions. She was their leader after all.

Minji turned towards Yoohyeon and the girl was looking at her with so much concern that Minji felt the self-hatred spread in her chest.

“Yoohyeona,” Minji’s voice shook. “Yooh— I—”

Seeing the leader struggle, Yoohyeon quickly assured, “Unnie, there is nothing that could’ve happened that would make me not trust your judgment. Whatever it is, we’ll figure it out together—all of us together. Like always.”

Minji ignored the CEO’s condescending sigh in favor of latching onto Yoohyeon’s kind but carelessly spoken words. It wasn’t that the girl was lying, Minji knew that Yoohyeon believed everything she was saying. It was just that Yoohyeon didn’t know that trust had bounds and Minji trampled them.

“Not this… Yoohyeona, I’m so sorry,” Minji still struggled to confess. She didn’t want to disappoint Yoohyeon. She didn’t want to shatter her lover’s belief in her. She had been trying so hard to do what was best for them, but she failed.

“Unnie?” 

“I’m so sorry,” Minji choked out. “The song with Sunmi… the collaboration… it’s canceled.”

The seconds of silence that filled the room made Minji drop her head down, unable to accept that the next time she looked into Yoohyeon’s eyes they would be filled with disappointment.

“The song was canceled?” Yoohyeon questioned, but Minji couldn’t read her tone without looking at her.

The CEO answered sadly, “As I said. The cost for her actions was too high.”

“No I meant, this is all because of a collaboration with another company being canceled?” Yoohyeon clarified. “How is this Jiu unnie’s fault?”

“It is my fault…” Minji admitted.

“There must’ve been a good reason,” Yoohyeon immediately replied to Minji softly then turned back to the CEO, “And this definitely doesn’t jeopardize my career or the group’s for that matter.”

“I admire that you want to protect your leader Yoohyeon-ssi, but we all know that you girls haven’t been getting the opportunities to show your talents to the general public. This would’ve been your chance,” the CEO argued. “This would’ve been the entire group’s chance to be on the map since two members were involved.”

Yoohyeon shook her head, “We can’t possibly be relying that much on a collaboration. Sure it would’ve given us a nice boost, but the plan was for it to get new fans interested in our comeback. It was never about the song itself being our success. My success comes from Dreamcatcher being successful, not just me.”

Minji was convinced that Yoohyeon would hate her, so the way she was defending her made her head spin. Minji figured the only thing that made sense was if Yoohyeon was just saying that in front of the CEO so that they were a united front like always, then after he left she would express her true feelings. It wouldn’t be the first time any of them has done that. But Minji wished Yoohyeon didn’t give her hope of forgiveness like that. Minji had to keep braced for the flip.

“The potential revenue loss reflects on all of you, especially you Yoohyeon-ssi. The song would have been on Sunmi’s album! You can be sure the board will have something to say about this,” the CEO revealed and Minji wished he hadn’t. Now Yoohyeon and the rest would realize just how badly Minji fucked up. The CEO digressed. “Also, think of the fans that have gotten so excited for this.”

Bora decided to intervene, “Then we’ll just have to work extra hard to make it up to them. This whole collaboration came to life the last few weeks. It was never part of the original plan.”

“Plans change and this was a change for the better. It’s such a shame that your leader’s actions are what will prevent this comeback from reaching its full potential.”

“You didn’t even tell us why you think it’s Jiu unnie’s fault the collaboration was canceled,” Siyeon objected from her place to Minji’s right, where she had moved closer so that she could grab Minji’s elusive hand under the table, not giving Minji a choice to avoid her anymore, reminding Minji that this was a constant presence through out her idol career that she couldn’t bare the thought of ever losing.

“Oh, this I will leave to Jiu-ssi to explain,” the CEO said and Minji felt the air leave her lungs in a burst. He made sure to put her in an impossible situation. There was no way she could tell them the reason she told him, but could Minji really bring herself to think of another lie? When they were trusting and defending her without needing any facts? She couldn’t tell the lie or the truth, what did that leave her with?

The CEO stood up, “I will give you girls some privacy. I’m sure you’ll have a lot to discuss. I just hope you all hold your leader accountable for her decisions,” he then addressed Minji, “If I didn’t know you Jiu-ssi, I would’ve thought you didn’t care about your group’s success. Maybe it was my mistake from the start for not being too hard on you when you without consultation decided against involving the group’s main vocalist in the collaboration.”

“What? I don’t—” Siyeon didn’t get a chance to question him as he headed to the door.

The moment the footsteps receded and the door to the conference room shut, Minji buried her face in her hands.

“Hey hey, Minji it’s okay,” Yoohyeon assured as she rushed from the other side of the table towards Minji. The other members following suit to be closer to the leader.

“What is his problem?” Handong questioned angrily, arms folding across her chest.

“Unnie, it’s just a collaboration,” Dami said.

Siyeon reassured, “And I sure as hell didn’t even question Yoohyeon’s involvement. Whoever writes a song decides who sings what. That has always been the case with all the songs any of us wrote for Dreamcatcher. And this wasn’t even for the group, this was YOUR collaboration.”

“We might joke about wanting to steal each other’s parts, but you know we would never be jealous of the success of one of us,” Bora added.

Minji found that she could at least breathe at the words; her decision not to accept the CEO’s accusation reaffirmed. One less person to let down. But it didn’t mean there wasn’t a lot to be for forgiveness for.

“Yoohyeona… I’m so sorry,” Minji finally let her tears fall as she, for the second time this week, found herself on her knees, bowing in apology.

“Minji!” “Unnie!”

Before Minji could clasp her hands together they were each quickly gripped by Yoohyeon, who was at eye-level with her, seemingly having moved down with the leader. The sight of all the members crowding her, also on their knees, made Minji sob. They needed to give her a chance to explain that she didn’t deserve their kindness.

“Minji, what are you doing?” Yoohyeon asked with a watery voice.

“I’m so sorry,” Minji choked out. “I— It’s all my fault.”

It’s her fault for perusing a romantic relationship with Yoohyeon. It’s her fault for letting Yoohyeon make the mistake of being with her. It’s her fault that she couldn’t be the person Yoohyeon trusted her to be.

Minji wanted to drop her head forward to bow deeper but she was stopped by Yoohyeon’s hands pushing back on her shoulders. Then Yoohyeon’s fingers were on her face trying to get Minji to look at her, but Minji resisted because she didn’t think she could take it if she saw Yoohyeon look at her with anything other than love.

“Please Yoohyeona, please… I’m so sorry.”

Yoohyeon’s hands were more insistent, cupping Minji’s face in her hands so that Minji had no choice but to face the consequences of her actions.

“So what the song got canceled?” Minji’s breath stuttered at the tears in Yoohyeon’s eyes and her next words, “Do you think I care more about a song than I care about you?”

“Yoohyeon it’s your dream—”

“It’s a dream Minji. A random wish that I say, knowing it’ll never come true, then you somehow made it happen. But it’s not something that I’ve been working my whole life towards. I would’ve let go of this ‘dream’ in an instant before I had to see you like this.”

Minji had to fight against the comfort she was receiving from Yoohyeon’s soft words. Shaking her head, Minji cried, “I ruined this for you…”

Yoohyeon was not understanding the situation. Neither were the others judging by the many hands that were on her body trying to provide her comfort.

“I highly doubt that,” Yoohyeon said, “There must’ve been a good reason. But even IF that were the case, it doesn’t matter.”

“Yoohyeona, it’s your career—”

“You can’t really believe what he said about how this one song would determine my entire future? Because if that’s the case, then maybe I’m not that good of a singer after all,” Yoohyeon said, making Minji immediately look at her.

“Of course you are!” Minji objected, “But he was right about this being a unique opportunity—”

“There will be other chances Minji,” Yoohyeon shut down the line of argument.

“Doesn’t mean I didn’t lose you this one…”

“Minji—”

“—No, you don’t understand!” Minji’s voice shook as she stood up, running her fingers through her hair in frustration. She couldn’t let Yoohyeon or the others forgive her just like that. She always trusted them to hold her accountable, to stand up to her if she was making the wrong decision. And she needed them to do this now. They shouldn’t let her off the hook so easily.

“Then explain it to me Minji,” Yoohyeon implored as she followed Minji. “You and Sunmi have been really close over the last few weeks. I don’t understand what could’ve possibly happened to—”

“The company… they think that Sunmi is interested in me,” Minji confessed. “That this is why she is doing so much for the collab…” The words just flowed out of her and Minji knew what she needed to say. Knew what they would believe, what would calm them down.

“The company… What?” Yoohyeon asked, shock written on her face, and Minji looked at her apologetically. It wasn’t easy talking about something like this with the person she was dating. “That’s why the collab is canceled? They’re trying to protect you?”

Minji nodded, the movement robotic as she tried to keep the content of her stomach down. They’d fall right into it. “Me… the group…”

She was lying, she was outright lying.

Siyeon looked somewhat impressed and Minji wanted to scream. She shouldn’t make them trust the company. She should be warning them off. Protecting them.

“But then what was with all this blaming you for it?” Dami asked, gears spinning in her head. Minji was always proud of how smart Dami was, and wasn’t ashamed to depend on Dami’s brain even though Minji was the oldest. Just right now, she wished that Dami wouldn’t put her focus on Minji, because Minji didn’t think she was smart enough to trick the younger; not without taking advantage of their connection and the trust Dami had in her. Minji was really becoming a shitty person.

“The CEO is just really upset… He thinks that maybe I gave Sunmi the wrong signal from the start, or led Sunmi on, and we put in so much effort that all went to waste,” the words tasted of acid.

“If she is into you, how is that your fault?” Siyeon asked affronted on behalf of Minji.

“Yeah unnie, you didn’t do anything wrong,” even Gahyeon was defending her. Minji wanted to cry.

“Minji, the other day…” Yoohyeon took a deep breath as if mastering the courage to speak. “If Sunmi did something, you can tell us. I don’t care who she is, if she hurt you or made you uncomfortable in any way—”

“—What?” Minji interrupted. The way the maknaes’ and Handong’s heads snapped towards Yoohyeon mirrored Minji’s confusion at the turn in conversation. But it looked like Bora and Siyeon weren’t so surprised.

“Unnie, it’s just us,” Siyeon softly said, but Minji could read the veiled anger in her voice. “Please trust us to have your back no matter who you’re up against.”

 Minji’s brows furrowed, “Sunmi didn’t do anything.” Minji might be the absolute worst person right now, but she wouldn’t drag Sunmi into her mess. The veteran idol was Yoohyeon’s role model after all.

“Are you sure?” Yoohyeon’s eyes bore into hers. Concern, protectiveness, love, it was all mixed together and Minji softened. Minji didn’t give them any information, she couldn’t blame them for jumping to conclusions when all they know was she was at Sunmi’s, something happened to trigger a panic attack, and now the collaboration was canceled, because of the lie she told.

“Yeah… it wasn’t like that,” Minji reassured. “She’s not—into me that is,” Minji explained, focusing on Yoohyeon this time. “I talked to her about it…”

Yoohyeon frowned, “So that’s what happened the other day…?”

Minji nodded. The longer this conversation went, the more Minji wanted to bury herself in a hole.

Yoohyeon sighed in relief, “I’ve also been a bit worried… about Sunmi’s intentions, but—”

Minji froze. Yoohyeon’s words driving the invisible knife in her chest deeper.

Yoohyeon frowned, “—What?”

“You also thought Sunmi was only interested in this song because she was into me?”

Please don’t say it. Please don’t let Yoohyeon say the same thing. Minji prayed in her head.

Yoohyeon looked at her surprised, then firmly said, “No,” but Minji could see the uncertainty on her face. “I was just worried that it might—”

It wasn’t just the CEO. Minji didn’t hear the rest of what Yoohyeon said over the sound of her own heart breaking. Even the people closest to Minji did not think that Minji could bring such a collaboration with her talents alone.

Minji couldn’t bare looking at Yoohyeon. She was obviously doing something wrong if even her loved ones thought the same thing. Sunmi had reassured her that she did nothing wrong, but the senior artist could have just been saying that to comfort her.

“I’m sorry if I did something to make you think that, Hyeon,” Minji’s voice was monotone. “I have been spending a lot of time alone with Sunmi I guess...”

Minji has been neglecting Yoohyeon so much that Yoohyeon was doubting her.

 The CEO’s words of reprimand were ringing in her ears. ‘How did she fuck up making it obvious to Sunmi that she was open to more when she had already doing so well before and Sunmi was obviously already interested in her?’

“Minji, what? No!” Yoohyeon objected strongly, hands taking hold of Minji’s shoulders forcing Minji to focus on the lead vocalist. “That’s not what I said. Or thought, for that matter. You didn’t do anything wrong! I trust you 100%. It was Sunmi herself that I wasn’t sure about. But I had no reason. You just never know in this industry what someone’s true nature is like, and I just didn’t want to see you get hurt is all.”

Yoohyeon looked down at her own words, as if ashamed for being protective of Minji, when she had every right to be. Yoohyeon didn’t know how true her words were, or how close they hit home.

“Nothing happened,” Minji reassured. Yoohyeon said all the right things, but why did Minji feel so empty? “It was an uncomfortable topic to bring up, and I couldn’t keep a hold on my feelings, and things just spiraled. Not… not the best way to go about it when it was me coming to her with a baseless accusation from the company. But she—she was so great, and supportive. Just… our friendship isn’t really gonna stay the same anymore, considering everything.”

“I’m so sorry to hear that Minji,” Yoohyeon said sincerely, her brows crinkled in sympathy. “Maybe after things calm down a bit, you guys can get past this. I’d hate for you to lose your friendship with someone you’re comfortable with like that.”

Minji shoulders fell. Maybe if the story was as she said it.

“I’m sorry Hyeon,” Minji couldn’t stop the tears from filling her eyes this time. She had so much to apologize for.

“None of this was your fault, Minji,” Yoohyeon didn’t hesitate to take Minji’s face in her hands, as if trying to drill the words into her. “I won’t pretend it is not disappointing, not just for me, but for you as well, because your song was really amazing and it deserves to be out there for the world to see. But it sounds like it was assumptions that led to a misunderstanding, and it was ultimately the company that canceled the collab, right? They were trying to protect you, so I can’t even fault them for that. I would have canceled it too if I thought you were put in an uncomfortable situation, baby.”

“Yeah Minji, the company also has to consider how this would reflect on you and the group if it ever came out. Sunmi is too big in this industry for it to go unnoticed or swept under the carpet. I guess they were trying to stop a potential scandal,” Bora added.

“You’ve been feeling guilty about this when none of it was your fault. This entire meeting… god I’m so upset that he would throw all the blame on you like that… I wish you had talked to me or any of us so you didn’t have to go through this alone,” Yoohyeon added with a sigh.

“I—I wanted to fix it… I didn’t want to disappoint you,” Minji’s voice wavered. Forgiveness never tasted so bitter. Yet she was selfishly stealing every ounce of comfort she could. Taking in every ‘it’s not your fault’. Even when it was all her fault.

“You can never disappoint me baby, especially not with something like this,” Yoohyeon pulled Minji into her arms, softly speaking words only for her ear, “You, your safety, and your happiness are so much more important to me than anything else. Let us figure these things out together please. You don't have to do it all alone.”

Minji let Yoohyeon hug her, resting the side of her head on Yoohyeon’s shoulder so that she didn’t have to face her anymore. Yoohyeon put Minji as her number one priority and what did Minji give her? Lies. Lies. Lies. Lies. Lies. Lies. Lies. Lies. Lies. Lies. Lies. Lies. Lies. Lies. Lies. Lies. Lies. Lies. Lies. Lies. Lies. Lies. Lies. Lies. Lies. Lies. Lies. Lies. Lies that keep on piling on.

Minji’s eyes met Dami’s, who was directly in her vision from the position she was in. The main rapper had a calculating look on her face and Minji cursed in her head, not having the energy to think back to what she said that was making Dami question her words. Minji felt a lump in her throat when Dami broke eye contact to look at the floor instead, as if Dami was ashamed of her own thoughts. She must have figured out Minji was lying about something, but then doubted herself because she would never doubt Minji.

Minji squeezed her eye shut. She didn’t want to see how much they loved her anymore.

“I think we should head home,” Bora broke the silence, and Minji lifted her head to look at her. “I want to talk a bit more about this because it seems like there is a lot to unpack with how it all went down, but I want us to be in a place where we’re comfortable.”

“You guys go ahead, Gahyeona and I need to practice for the special clip…” Dami started to offer, and Minji knew it was just to give the eldest member some privacy, but then Dami trailed off, her features morphing into a frown. “Unnie… the special clip… was the collaboration why yours was canceled?”

Minji’s heart skipped a beat, “I already told you—”

“—No. You said it’s because the company wants to feature us equally. But was it because of what the CEO just said? About you not involving Siyeon unnie? It was right after… Was this a punishment?”

All heads snapped to Minji immediately, Siyeon’s eyes were wide in shock.

“Unnie, is that true?” Siyeon asked, a horrified look on her face that mirrored everyone else’s confusion and shock.

Minji swallowed, “It doesn’t matter. The clip is rightfully Dami and Gahyeon’s.”

Gahyeon shook her head, voice a pitch higher, “No it isn’t… Not—not like this…”

Minji couldn’t stand the sight of the maknaes’ disappointment.

“Unnie why didn’t you say that?” Siyeon questioned, anger lining her words. “I would’ve cleared it up with the CEO. There was no reason—there is no reason for you to lose your clip. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Siyeona—”

“—No, unnie we asked you! We asked you why it was canceled and you said it’s to have equal exposure and that bullshit, instead of telling us the truth? Why?”

Minji felt a crack in her heart at the clear hurt in Siyeon’s voice.

Siyeon continued, her voice getting watery, “Have you been—Did you believe him? Did you think that I would hold something like this against you?”

“I… I don’t know.” Minji closed her eyes, but opened them quickly seconds later when she heard the sound of a door slamming shut.

Siyeon was gone. And Minji felt her heart break open.

She was suddenly feeling very sluggish, as if everything was happening in slow motion. Only Yoohyeon’s arm around her waist kept her grounded.

She had been amateurishly weaving the lies for so long that she forgot that it would just take the smallest of scrutinizing efforts from the members to unravel them. All this time she got away with it was only because they trusted her too much to question her.

Minji was the one to look away from Dami’s gaze this time.

She couldn't  make this mistake again.

Chapter Text

Minji sat on the floor of the practice room, re-tying her shoelaces slowly, taking a moment to catch her breath. It seemed like she wasn’t the only one who needed it because the backup dancers were quick to take the chance to grab water. Even Hwang Sooyeon, their choreographer, looked tired. It was 2 am after all and they’ve been going at it full power for hours now.

Minji sighed, feeling apologetic for all the staff that was dragged in to work extra hours and even over night for her.

“I think this is the best we can for now,” Sooyeon finally said, observing Minji and the dancers in the room. “Let’s call it a night before we all collapse.”

The dancers cheered in relief and grabbed their stuff.

“Thank you for your hard work,” Minji stood up and bowed to them.

“You too Jiu unnie, please get some rest!” the sentiment echoed from the dancers as they bowed back, a couple of them patting Minji on the back as they made their way out of the room.

Sooyeon was also gathering her things but stopped when she saw that Minji wasn’t doing the same.

“Come on, I’ll drive you home. I already told Jihoon that I’d do it earlier and he promised to buy me breakfast to thank me for not making him stay so late,” Sooyeon joked, referring to their road manager who would have had to wait till Minji was done to driver her back to the dorm.

Minji smiled, “I’m sure he really appreciated making it home for dinner with his family.”

“Yeah, and I’ll appreciate the breakfast in the morning,” Sooyeon winked, swinging the strap of her bag across her body. “Why aren’t you gathering your things already? Did you see how fast my dancers were out of here? They didn’t even wait for me,” Sooyeon mock pouted, earning a light laugh from Minji.

“I think I’m gonna stay for longer. I’m not really confident with this choreography,” Minji kicked at the floor with the tip of her shoes.

“You had a total of 6 hours to learn this from scratch and with positioning with the backup dancers, and props, and everything. You did a lot better than I expected,” Sooyeon said as she walked up to the Dreamcatcher leader.

“But not great,” Minji shook her head, disappointed. “I don’t want to look stupid. If I have to do this, then I’m gonna do it right.” Have to do this.

“Jiu give yourself a break, you were given a ridiculous timeline,” Sooyeon objected, a hand reaching out to squeeze Minji’s shoulder. “Not only that, but you were given a song and a choreo that is different from anything you usually do. I don’t know what the company is thinking, and I’m not doubting your abilities, but they’re not really setting you up for success here.”

Minji wanted to agree, but it was pointless. Sooyeon, just like their manager Tae earlier, would tell her to refuse to do it if Minji complained; already Sooyeon questioned if Minji actually agreed to this, given the song choice and the fact that Minji already had a completed special clip that could be put out. But Minji couldn’t tell them that she couldn’t refuse, her thoughts going back her conversation with Siyeon the other night after the meeting.

Minji rested her head on the cold railing of the balcony, wishing she was anywhere but here. She had managed to screw up her job, rob Yoohyeon of the biggest collaboration of her career, disappoint the whole group with her inability to lead, and hurt the maknaes and Siyeon to top it all off. All in a day ’s work.

Minji was surprised when a blanket was placed on her shoulders, an unexpected musky scent invading her senses. Siyeon.

“It’s cold outside unnie,” Siyeon said as she took a seat next to Minji, who found herself longing to hug Siyeon but settled for wrapping the blanket tighter around herself, letting Siyeon’s scent comfort her instead.

“I’m angry, unnie,” Siyeon finally said and Minji closed her eyes.

“I know.”

Siyeon touching her hand made Minji look at her.

“Not at you,” Siyeon said firmly. “I’m angry about how the whole meeting went today. What the CEO said about you. How he talked to you… And then it turned out nothing was actually your fault, and he was just taking it out on you because he was upset? Unbelievable.”

Minji ’s eyes widened. That wasn’t what she was expecting.

“You’re our leader unnie. Disrespecting you means disrespecting all of us,” Siyeon’s jaw tightened. “And we didn’t have any information to stand up for you.”

Minji felt her heart swell at the main vocalist ’s words. The love and respect the members had for her as their leader was what drove Minji to work harder everyday. So she could live up to such an honor.

Minji gripped Siyeon ’s hand, and Siyeon smiled softly, her other hand starting to pinch at the back of Minji’s.

“I talked to him, when I left,” Siyeon said and Minji froze. Minji didn’t want any of them near that man anymore.

“What did he want?” Minji couldn’t keep the venom out of her voice, and Siyeon raised a curious eyebrow.

“This may sound odd, but I’m happy to hear you angry,” Siyeon chuckled. “I couldn’t stand seeing how he talked to you today and you saying nothing back.”

She couldn’t stand seeing Minji so weak. Minji looked down in shame.

“We’ve seen you fight the company so many times in the past when they wanted us to do things we didn’t agree with. So you gotta understand today was weird unnie.”

She wasn’t acting like their strong leader anymore.

“Especially that you seemed like you agreed with what he was saying.”

Minji didn ’t respond and Siyeon had to duck to make eye contact with her.

“I won’t talk for Yoohyeon. But for me… That hurt unnie… You thinking that I would be upset over something like that,” Siyeon said straightforwardly and Minji made sure to take it all. She hurt Siyeon and she wanted to apologize. She wanted to make it up to the girl. And it started with listening to how she fucked up.

“I’m sorry, Siyeona,” Minji’s voice did not come out as steady as she wanted.

“I love you unnie, but this was really stupid. Why would you beat yourself up instead of just talking to me?” Siyeon’s arm suddenly wrapped around her and Minji gasped as she felt the tension that was coiled around her body release. It was just Siyeon. Minji was safe even if they were arguing. A misunderstanding wouldn’t change how Siyeon would treat her. “You know me, unnie. if something bothers me, I address it right away. Exhibit A, right now.”

“I know.” Minji knew all of them like the back of her hand.

“Then why?”

“I don’t know… the CEO wasn’t happy. He said I made a careless choice that wasn’t mine to make. And that as the main vocalist, you would’ve been the best representative for the group in something so important.” Minji had to leave out the part where he accused her of choosing her girlfriend over her group.

“That’s why you should’ve talked to me unnie. That’s all bullshit!” Siyeon pulled away to look at Minji’s face, “Yoohyeon is an excellent representative for our group. Just because I’m the main vocalist doesn’t mean I’m the only who should get to sing solo. Everyone here is an amazing vocalist of their own right and there is no wrong decision when it comes to choosing between us.”

Minji blinked back the tears. She knew this. She could ’ve chosen any of the members for the collaboration and they would have all shown Dreamcatcher in the best light. How did she let him make her think otherwise? Minji believing him would mean that she didn’t trust in Yoohyeon’s abilities. What the hell was Minji doing making assumptions about Siyeon’s feelings and doubting Yoohyeon?

“I wasn’t thinking of it like that…” Minji admitted. It was all mixed up with the accusations of her bias towards Yoohyeon that she couldn’t think past that.

But as if reading her mind, Siyeon then added, “Unnie, you didn’t say it but I see it on your face. I don’t think you chose Yoohyeon just because of your relationship either. You love her, for years I should add, but you never treat us any differently when it came to Dreamcatcher.”

“I don’t?” Minji asked curiously, having never had this discussion with the members before about how the relationships could be affecting the group dynamics.

“Not even in the littlest things,” Siyeon chuckled. “You’re definitely a better person than me because I would sell you for a dollar if Bora said she needed one.”

“YAH Lee Siyeon!” Minji laughed.

“Kidding, kidding!” Siyeon wiped away at the tear tracks on Minji’s face, growing more serious. “You should’ve told us about the special clip thing unnie.”

Minji looked down, but she was somehow relieved to have been caught in this lie. A truth out in the open was a bit of weight off her chest.

“But it’s fixed now,” Siyeon said proudly, and Minji pulled back to look at her.

“What do you mean?”

“My talk with the CEO. I cleared it up with him. Told him that’s not how we work, and it wasn’t fair to punish you over something like this. Actually, the whole mess of a meeting today. That it was no one’s fault, certainly not yours, but we appreciate them trying to protect you and us. And he agreed to let you do your special clip. He said we would need something to… fill the gap in the schedule anyway…”

Minji felt a chill come over her body. That couldn’t be good. There was no way the CEO would give Minji a solo opportunity after the colossal fuck up with the Sunmi collaboration.

Siyeon frowned. “I thought you would be happy about this.”

Minji smiled apologetically, “Sorry, it’s just he was so angry today…”

“When you met with him alone?”

Minji nodded before she could think. Only realized it when she felt Siyeon ’s hand clenching around hers.

“What did he say?” Siyeon asked.

But Minji shook her head making Siyeon exhale in frustration.

“Unnie, you’ve been having these meetings with him a lot. And you haven’t been telling us but none of it seems good. Today especially, how he talked to you in front of us after he must have calmed down a bit… I can’t even imagine what went on in private. You didn’t even do anything wrong. We’re—We’re not really comfortable with you meeting alone with the CEO… That’s why I went to the company with you… after last time, we didn’t want you to be alone…” Minji knew Siyeon’s hesitation was because she didn’t want to disrespect Minji’s position, and her heart warmed.

“I don’t have a choice. He’s our boss.” Minji gave in just a bit. The truth was begging to tumble out. After experiencing relief by telling Sunmi, it was like her resolve has been shaken.

“If you don’t want to then you don’t have to. Even Tae oppa is upset about it, you know it was his day off today and he came in because he heard you were called in for another meeting?”

Minji ’s face softened into a smile, “I didn’t know that. Oppa has been sticking with me a lot recently. It reminds me of when we were starting out and he was with us all the time.”

“He’s doing it because he is worried about you. And so are we. And Yoohyeon…”

“What about Yoohyeon?” Minji’s heart hammered in her chest.

Siyeon smiled softly, “She’s really grown into an amazing person, hasn’t she?”

Minji wholly agreed with that, “She has.”

“Stop pushing her away unnie,” Siyeon advised. “She can take it. Whatever it is that you think is too much. You’re not just her leader. Not just her team member. The collaboration loss was such a big blow and yet all she could think about is you. And we know how hard of a worker Yoohyeon is. So for her to be unaffected by it, just shows how much she cares for you above all else.

“And you deserve someone like this unnie. I used to think no one in the world would ever be worth your time of day. Because you are so so incredible Kim Minji. And then Kim freakin’ Yoohyeon came in, all puppy eyes, huge heart, and constant growth, and it was just right... Let her grow with you unnie. Grow with her.”

Siyeon’s wonderful words unbeknownst to her only served to hurt Minji. Every declaration a scratch against her insides. Yoohyeon was the one for Minji. They could all see it. But the person Minji was becoming was not worthy of Kim Yoohyeon’s love and admiration.

“Jiu?” Sooyeon called out, snapping Minji out of her thoughts of how she ended up having to learn a new choreography in one night, record the vocals the next day, so that she could film a new special clip the day after. To make up for the collaboration loss.

“Jiu, you good?”

Minji pushed the thoughts of Yoohyeon out of her mind. She didn’t want to think about this anymore. She didn’t want to think about how perfect Yoohyeon was, comforting her in a situation Yoohyeon should have been angry, holding her protectively and reassuring her that she did nothing wrong when she should have also been blaming Minji for the collaboration falling apart.

“Yeah unnie,” Minji forced a smile, but Sooyeon looked skeptical. “Please, you go ahead. I’ll feel more comfortable if I get to practice this for a while longer. It’ll also help me get the vocals right for tomorrow if I keep listening to the song.”

“How are you gonna get home? I told you Jihoon already left hours ago.”

“I’ll figure something out unnie, there’s plenty of staff here over night because of the preparation for the special clip,” Minji promised.

Sooyeon sighed, “There’s no convincing you otherwise, is there? Fine, but please don’t over work yourself, if you’re dead on your feet for the filming then it would all been pointless.”

“I’ll make sure to rest unnie,” Minji knew it wouldn’t be possible tonight but maybe after the vocal recording and next dance practice she could.

Sooyeon hugged Minji goodbye, still reluctant as she left the leader alone.

Minji grabbed her phone, seeing a text from Yoohyeon asking her when she was coming home. Minji messaged back that she won’t be tonight and wished Yoohyeon a good night, before pulling up the music video again and hitting play.

It wasn’t the Minji disliked the song, she actually quite liked it. But it wasn’t one she herself would pick to cover. She was already worried about how the recording would go in the morning when her tone was so different from the original. She can do the singing parts comfortably, but it was the mix between rapping and singing that was so distinct to Hyuna that she could hear herself stumbling on.

Then there was the whole matter of the purpose of this cover.

“We need something big that will make up for the disappointment of the song with Sunmi not coming out.”

Minji stood up and plugged her phone into the speakers, starting the song, trying to focus on mastering the choreography.

“It’s time to put your visuals to some actual use, Jiu-ssi.”

Minji stopped and started the song again, this time raising the volume more. She went through the movements section by section, but when the song ended, she was still unsatisfied. Pulling up the MV again, Minji watched Hyuna’s moves one by one. The choreo was not technically challenging, but there was a level of playfulness and sass that Minji wasn’t injecting in her movement. Minji played a video Sooyeon took earlier for monitoring and saw that her face was blank the entire time.

Minji groaned as she started to practice once again but had to stop halfway through, seeing that nothing was changing. She can do all the moves, right on time, all the floor drops and body rolls, but it all felt empty. Minji was too caught up in her head and the fact that everything about this clip would be curated to make her look as sexy as possible. The creative team leader had even mentioned that the directive from the company was to just have it as a dance cover, but the team all agreed that having Jiu’s voice would add a lot more to it, especially with the fans, so they decided on that; something Minji was thankful for at least, even if it was more work.

“All this letting you turn down ads and collaborations because you didn’t want the focus to be how you look is over.”

Nevermind that the things Minji turned down before were not any good opportunities, but rather cheap ads or clickbait style videos or MVs of songs that she wouldn’t support the messages of. Whenever there was something actually of Dreamcatcher’s caliber and would promote the group well, Minji hadn’t hesitated to accept it.

Minji sighed and stopped the song, realizing that she had gotten caught up in her thoughts again. She glanced at the clock showing it was nearly 5 am at this point and the tiredness hit her. Feeling that it was pointless to try to find her way back to the dorm when she would need to be in the studio at 8, Minji took a quick shower, dimmed the lights of the practice room, and lied down on her padded jacket in the corner.

She set an alarm, and read the messages she missed through the evening: a photo from Handong that was just an overly zoomed shot of Siyeon and Gahyeon fighting over a controller, a text from Dami updating her that Dami was asked to come to the company tomorrow for some recording, a text from Bora at 2:15 am offering to come in and help if Minji needed it, and then she re-read Yoohyeon’s dismayed response to Minji staying over night at the company which was filled with an assortment of emojis that Minji didn’t fully understand the context of but made her smile anyway. The “Love you” at the end was what Minji wanted as her last thought of the night.

She was doing the right thing for them. Right?

—————

Dami had recorded the rapping verse they wanted pretty quickly, but had been surprised about the request, especially that it came from the creative team directly and not Minji. The members didn’t know anything about this special clip other than that Minji had to make one, and fast.

When she came into the company, Yoohyeon had tagged along claiming she wanted to do a vlive but also admitted that it was mainly to check in on Minji. They had found Minji sleeping in the practice room, something that frustrated both as the leader must have been exhausted to be able to sleep on the floor like that. Dami had gone to grab Minji some coffee and food, leaving the mission of waking up the leader to Yoohyeon. But besides the quiet thanks she had received from a very groggy Minji for the breakfast, Dami hadn’t managed to actually talk to Minji all day. Something very unusual when Minji would normally gravitate to the members if they were in the same building.

She heard from one of the staff that Minji’s vocal recording was more challenging than usual when he interrupted Dami’s practicing and brought her to the studio, suggesting she already start recording her part if she felt ready, to give Minji a break. Dami tried to reach out to the leader, whose eyes were damp as she left the studio, but Minji only acknowledged her with a tight smile. Eyes following Minji, Dami overheard one of their managers softly pleading with her not to cry so as to not ruin her voice. Dami had to consciously choose to go into the studio instead of going to Minji as she knew they had a very tight schedule and Dami doing her recording would realistically be more helpful in giving Minji some time to collect herself. Dami still shot a text to Yoohyeon and hoped her best friend was still there to offer support.

Dami’s mind was running a mile a minute trying to figure out what was going on. Even the staff seemed completely overwhelmed by the scale and schedule of the special clip, which even required two small sets to be built. Dami knew the company was bigger now than before and could afford to pay for such a last-minute project, but it seemed like an unnecessary waste of expenses to her. Siyeon had mentioned that the CEO wanted to fill the opening in the schedule, but then why not use the special clip Minji had already filmed or rush Dami’s and Gahyeon’s since they had already started practicing for it? Dami’s annoyance level with the company was already high after that meeting and now this.

Dami didn’t see Minji again till a dress rehearsal late in the evening, and she froze. Whoa. Even if Dami hadn’t watched that ‘Roll Deep’ MV a few times that day, she would have still recognized the signature skintight black leather hotpants, thigh high fishnet stockings, and the short sleeved white button up shirt tied off high across Minji’s midriff to appear cropped.

“Unnie we’re not gonna have fans left for the comeback if you kill them all,” Dami joked as she approached the leader, feeling uncharacteristically nervous. There has been a tension between them that Dami didn’t know the source of but was determined to resolve.

Minji laughed, pushing her wildly styled hair out of her face, drawing attention to her dark makeup and black collar with silver rings and a looped thin metal chain around her neck.

Dami smirked, “Can I please be there when Yoohyeon sees this clip? I wanna record her reaction.”

“Yah!” Minji pushed her lightly with a shy smile, and Dami couldn’t help the relief that flooded her chest at interacting with Minji. It really threw off her whole day not being able to.

“It’s not too much?” Minji’s question was dipped in insecurity, making Dami pause.

It was definitely a lot more revealing than anything they’ve worn in recent years, but also none of them have done a completely “sexy” concept like that before. Dami shrugged, “It fits the concept, considering it’s exactly what Hyuna sunbaenim wore in the MV. If you’re comfortable in it, that’s all that matters.”

But the thing was, Minji did not look confident, fiddling with the knot on her shirt that was tied in a way that accentuated the upper half of her torso and so Dami had to wonder why she chose that styling if she wasn’t sure about it.

“I don’t like to have my hands forced Jiu,” Sooyeon interrupted their conversation, walking into the room with annoyance written all over her face, and it was surprisingly directed at the leader.

Minji sighed, “I’m sorry, unnie.”

“I was handling it, why did you have to agree?”

“Unnie, your dancers will stay barefoot, they’ll be perfectly fine—”

Sooyeon interrupted with a frown, “—Do you think I only care about my dancers and not you? I don’t want you to get hurt either Jiu. If you’re not worried about yourself then did you at least think of how it would reflect on me if you get hurt doing a choreo I approved and trained you?”

Dami immediately tuned into the conversation when she heard that their was a possibility of Minji being injured, “Wait, what happened?”

Sooyeon turned to Dami, “She didn’t tell you? Apparently, all of this,” Sooyeon gestured to Minji’s outfit, “isn’t quite hot enough and so she has to do it in six inch stilettos instead of barefoot. Without proper practice.”

“What? Who said that?” Dami asked baffled. “That’s ridiculous!”

Not only did Minji look more than incredible, but the fact that the someone from the company was commenting on how she looked and adjusting the styling for a special clip and in a way that could hurt Minji was preposterous.

Sooyeon raised a challenging eyebrow and Minji looked away uncomfortably. Sooyeon answered Dami when Minji didn’t, “the CEO.”

Dami was taken aback. Since when did the CEO interfere with their work at that level. “The CEO said Minji unnie wasn’t ‘hot’ enough?”

“In a lot more words than that but in front of everyone here, yes,” Sooyeon confirmed.

“What the hell?” Dami was normally very in control of her emotions, but she felt her fists curling up.

“Can we please just do the last runs with Dami so that we can all go home?” Minji asked tiredly, and Dami guessed the makeup artists didn’t have to do so much work to do to get the smokey eyes when Dami could see the prominent dark circles under Minji’s eyes.

Sooyeon sighed, “Yeah let’s do it, you really need to sleep before filming. Dami, we don’t really have any specific moves for you, just do whatever feels natural while you rap and Minji will work around you.”

Dami watched the choreo being performed for the first time so attentively, as she didn’t expect them to stick completely to the source material, that she almost missed her mark for joining in. To say that Minji was so stiff around her when she joined in as Ilhoon’s rappart started was an understatement. It got a bit better after a couple of times, but Dami didn’t understand why Minji was so tense when they’ve done multiple covers together and had been perfectly comfortable with each other.

Practice came to a successful enough end soon enough, although there were two moments when Minji tripped as she was getting up from and dropping into a floor choreo because of the heels. Thankfully both times a dancer was quick to balance her, but Sooyeon made it clear she wasn’t happy about it. And neither was Dami.

It was just her and Minji left in the room, with Minji on the floor massaging her feet after having taken the heels off, making Dami wince in sympathy.

“Unnie… can I talk to you for a bit?” Dami felt bad for asking this now when the leader looked dead on her feet, but whatever was going on was also affecting their performance, so it was best to resolve it sooner rather than later.

“Of course, Dami-yah,” Minji said softly, abandoning her task and giving her full attention to the younger. Dami was relieved that Minji was treating her just the same as always.

“Did I… Did I do something to upset you?” Dami felt small asking the question, but there was nothing rational that she could hold on to in this situation.

Minji’s face immediately fell as she stood up and approached Dami. Minji took Dami’s hands in hers, “Not at all, Dami-yah. I’m sorry if I was too busy to check on you today—”

Dami shook her head, “—It’s not that… and it’s not just today. I just feel like you have been avoiding me? Or keeping your distance rather? In the practice you were clearly not comfortable dancing with me, and it wasn’t even you who asked me to come be a part of your special clip…”

“Dami…” Minji sighed, looking away but Dami didn’t let Minji let go of her hand.

“If—if this is about the other day after the meeting… Maybe I went about it wrong, I should have maybe talked about it with just you and me, I didn’t mean to cause a problem between you and Siyeon unnie. But I was so confused about everything that was said, and you were so sad about everything, and then when I realized what happened with your special clip I was so surprised and it just came out,” Dami was not one to ramble, but she also never had a problem with Minji before, the eldest having taken care of her since she was a teenager, so it was a completely new territory for her. Dami looked down, “I didn’t mean to question your decisions or anything, unnie.”

One hand did let go of hers, and Dami would’ve felt sad about it if it wasn’t right away on her cheek, making her look up at the leader.

“Dami, you didn’t do anything wrong,” Minji said firmly, but with a voice filled with love. “You have the right to speak your mind whenever you want, even more so when it’s just the seven of us. I never let anyone stop you from voicing your opinion, and I’m not gonna be the one to start now. There is no problem between me and Siyeon. Just like you, she was just upset about the cancellation, and we had a good talk about it. BUT even if there was, it wouldn’t be your fault, when I’m the one who made the decision not to share this information.”

“Why did you unnie?” Dami asked hesitantly, not having her footing in a situation where she has to question the leader’s choice, but she needed to. There was obviously a lot that they haven’t been privy to, and it was very much not like the leader to do so. And Dami has been watching Minji closely, like the others, and has been getting more and more worried about her mental state, signs of cracking under pressure manifesting clearly in the leader.

Minji sighed, taking a step away from Dami, and the younger was afraid that she pushed too much.

“I—I don’t know… I really thought I made the wrong decision, and so the reaction to that from the company was fair.”

“You thought giving one of us the collab of her dream was the wrong decision?” Dami was not following Minji’s train of thoughts.

“Separating a relationship from my job as Dreamcatcher’s leader is a bit more difficult than I thought,” Minji shrugged nonchalantly but Dami could see the way her hands fidgeted.

“But wouldn’t you have still given Yooh this chance even if the two of you weren’t dating? Any of us would have immediately stepped back for her, knowing how much more it would mean to her. So what does it have to do with your relationship?” Dami did not want to get involved at all in their relationship, considering it a private matter, but also Yoohyeon was her bestfriend and she has been watching her agonize so much over Minji lately.

Dami had expected Yoohyeon to be broken up about her dream collaboration falling apart, but Yoohyeon was only focused on Minji even when it was just Dami and Yoohyeon talking about it later. And as much as Dami adored Minji, she was worried that Yoohyeon was starting to revolve her life too much around the eldest. Everything was already too interconnected with all of them being work colleagues, close friends, housemates, and now even two in a relationship (or four if she counted whatever arrangement Bora and Siyeon had going on). Dami, like the rest, was rooting for their success, and if that meant she had to be the voice of reason and remind them of healthy boundaries, she didn’t hesitate to do it. So it was ironic that she was now trying to tell Minji that this in fact had nothing to do with their relationship.

“Apparently nothing,” Minji snorted. “But it was the first time I had made a work decision about Yoohyeon since we started dating and I ended up second guessing myself.”

Dami smiled at the leader, proud of her for taking her responsibility to them so seriously. “Well there was bound to be a challenge, right? Although if you had discussed it with any of us, you wouldn’t have had to worry about it so much. If I were Yoohyeon, I would call you pabo right now.”

Minji gave a hearty laugh, “Believe me, she did that already.”

“Good,” Dami teased. She was glad to have gotten this discussion in but she had gotten side tracked from her original goal. “I know you said you’re not upset with me, but still today with the dancing, you were so uncomfortable with me…”

Minji turned somber pretty quick, exhaustion seeping back into her features. “It wasn’t you Dami…” Minji squeezed Dami’s arm in assurance.

“Then what was it? And why didn’t you ask me yourself to feature in the clip?”

Minji clamped up, taking the few steps to so that she could sit on the bench. Dami closely followed.

“Unnie, you can talk to me. You know I’ll always listen and help you work through things if you need to,” Dami sincerely offered. She might be one of the youngest members, but she was always happy to be a rock for her members, especially that they were quicker to emotional reactions than her, sans Handong, who was usually her partner in keeping the team balanced. The leader never dismissed Dami’s opinions and always took her advice to heart despite their age and position difference, something Dami really admired about Minji, and hoped wouldn’t change now.

“Actually, I need to ask you for a favor,” Minji’s words came out uncertain, making Dami tilt her head curiously.

“Anything unnie.”

“Could you… could you keep what Sooyeon unnie said between us?”

Dami froze in shock. Minji had to be kidding.

“Unnie we just talked about not hiding things from each other,” Dami couldn’t help the frustration that seeped into her words.

“I know,” Minji wasn’t looking at her. “But our comeback is so close, and we are finishing up the recordings and getting ready to shoot soon enough. And things are still tense from that meeting, and I don’t want anything else to cause a problem with the company.”

“All of this doesn’t matter if they’re not treating you right. The comeback and all that can be delayed for all we care if you’re having an issue with the company.”

“Dami-yah, please,” Minji was pleading with her, making Dami’s head hurt. “This was already our longest hiatus yet, and the last thing we need is something like this.”

“Something like this meaning us being upset that the company is going back to overly sexualizing one of us and making one of us do a clip they obviously don’t want to do?” It wasn’t hard for Dami to connect the dots on this one, between Minji’s discomfort, struggle with the recording, and Sooyeon’s revelation. And since Minji had assured her that she always wanted to hear her thoughts, Dami didn’t hold back.

It was clear she hit the nail on the head when Minji went quiet.

“I didn’t want you to get dragged into this, that’s why I didn’t ask you even though you’re the perfect fit. I suggested we skip over the rap verse or play the original, but the company obviously decided otherwise,” Minji said blankly, defeat coloring her words.

“You didn’t know I was going to be in it?” Dami asked shocked.

“Not till this morning when I went through the arrangement and lyrics with the producer.”

What the fuck? Dami was a bit upset before that Minji hadn’t asked her herself, but this was so much worse.

But now Dami had a decision to make. The right thing to do would be to just tell the members. It would be better for everyone involved. But Dami could also see how important it was for Minji to keep this private if she asked for something like this, and Dami didn’t know how it would affect the trust between them to outright refuse her request. Even though Minji had said that she wasn’t upset about Dami’s question about the special clip after the meeting, it was also when Dami felt like Minji started keeping her distance. She didn’t want to think that the leader lied just now about that, but it was clear Minji was in caught in some sort of inner struggle and was not thinking in the most logical sense; her actions might be conflicting with her words unintentionally. From what she heard from Yoohyeon, it was getting to the point where she thought professional help was needed, with the frequent panic attacks and what they both researched and figured was probably some sort of dissociative episode at Sunmi’s. Dami asked if Yoohyeon knew if Minji was still going to the therapy she mentioned before but Yoohyeon didn’t know.

It really hurt Dami to see Minji struggling so much and alone, when she had so many people who loved her around her. She now thought back on Minji’s sentence about the challenge to separate being Dreamcatcher’s leader from her relationship. Was that the core of it? Not just with Yoohyeon. But were their entire team’s, stronger than ever, connection somehow interfering with Minji’s—to say battle tested would not be an exaggeration—ability to lead?     

But wasn’t that all reason to put everything out in the open? If Minji didn’t want them to address the company and wanted to handle it herself they could try to do that for her, just as long as they knew exactly what was going on so that if something bad were to happen or if something like that meeting were to occur again, they wouldn’t be standing their like idiots, unable to defend her. But then Dami thought about it, would they really be able to just sit and do nothing? She already had half a mind to go yell at the creative team for going with a project Minji wasn’t 100% sure about and even more so at the CEO for his comments about Minji; and that would be the least emotional response out of the rest of the members. Siyeon already showed this week that she would not hesitate to argue with the CEO about his decisions and would not wait for Minji’s input to do so.

Dami rubbed her temple at the growing headache. How the hell did Minji manage to keep their privacy if they requested it and yet make decisions for them all the time as both members of a team and individual artists with their own aspirations? Dami watched the leader who was staring blankly at her own far away reflection in the mirror. There was a reason why Minji was the best leader they could’ve asked for.

“Unnie…”

Chapter Text

The atmosphere between Dami and Minji was heavy that night and carried into the next, after Dami had tried to convince Minji to not keep things a secret and Minji getting worked up over it. The defeated “do what you want, I have no power here” that Minji left Dami with must have had the desired effect though, because Dami didn’t mention anything to the rest as far as Minji could tell. But Minji wasn’t so blind as to not see that the trust between her and the main rapper took a hit because of it.

The tension was especially palpable during the filming of the special clip that they had to repeat the verse a few times and Sooyeon even pulled them aside to ask if everything was okay. The cold way Dami said “everything is fine” without even looking at her had Minji holding in the tears at the consequences of her actions. But they were both professionals and got things done, but she had never felt as alone as she did then, dancing and flirting in front of the camera with one of the people she cared most about, knowing that for the first time it was all fake.

The filming continued and finished uneventfully after that, albeit Minji’s mind was not concentrated on it anymore and everyone could tell.

To Minji’s surprise, she found that Dami was still waiting for her so they could go home together.

“Dami-yah…” the gesture made Minji feel so much better that she couldn’t help her tears this time.

“I just don’t want you to feel alone unnie. In whatever that is happening,” Dami suddenly said with no pre-emptive, as if she has been rehearsing it as she waited for Minji. “I know what it’s like, that suffocating feeling that even with the people you love around you, you just feel disconnected from them. Like you’re just on the outside looking in and they don’t see what you’re going through,” Dami’s words rubbed on the raw wound in her heart, but the concern flared too for the rapper.

Dami interrupted her before she could talk, “You know I don’t feel this way anymore. But it hurts seeing my past self in you. Especially when you made sure I don’t ever feel alone. And not by forcing me to socialize or conform and act like everyone else does or telling me ‘your life is great what are you depressed for’, but by letting me be myself. Even if I was sometimes a sad, emo kid who did not want to talk, or be outside, or be around others, and just wanted to read and listen to music all day. You let me do what I wanted and encouraged me to find an outlet for my feelings in Dreamcatcher, and out of it, not only did I break out of that feeling, but came many songs I’m so proud of. Because you and the others even took it to the next level and pushed for them to be included in our albums. You opened up the door for me, and I found something I was very passionate about.”

Minji gave a proud smile at how far Dami has gotten.

“See this pride you feel for me, I want you to feel for yourself too unnie. This is why I’m upset you’re doing something you don’t want to. Don’t think we haven’t seen how many songs you worked on or practiced on your own. Even if you haven’t shared them with us, we see your hard work. Even an artist as big as Sunmi saw your brilliance. The other special clip that was cancelled, the one with your own song, you were so happy with it that you were giving us a play by play for how everything went, but look at you now… I didn’t even know you were gonna dye your hair, or when you even did it since I went home with a dark haired Minji at 1 am last night. Did you even want to do it?”

Dami’s words rained heavy on Minji with the truth they held that she had to look away.

She didn’t agree with the whole purpose of this clip and what the CEO wanted from her. They wanted to quickly cover up any backlash from the cancelled collaboration news, as well as make up for the lost potential revenue which they had already adjusted the budgets for the comeback according to. The one thing that was guaranteed to catch the people’s attention more than the unexpected collaboration with Sunmi would be a completely sexy concept from Dreamcatcher. And while they couldn’t do that with Dreamcatcher as a group themselves, they could do so with individual members. Enter Dreamcatcher’s unofficial Visual, Jiu. And not just for this special clip. This was only the start. Minji was instructed to give it her all for this hasty plan, otherwise their comeback will be affected. Less marketing, less promotions and appearances, less success.

The company wanted to exploit Minji’s looks when Minji wasn’t comfortable with this and had made it clear after their first year as Dreamcatcher that she was not interested in being pushed as the group’s visual; partly because she believed that it was not right for her to hold such a position when all of the members were equally beautiful and could be the “visual” themselves, and partly because Minji had learned by then that if she got boxed in that role that it would be all what people ever saw her as. Even if she sang her heart out, the comments would be “Oh she’s so beautiful”; people would always expect her to just stand there and look pretty with no anticipation to her singing and dancing, which is what Minji had trained for for years, and not just a lucky combination of genes that she inherited.

Logically, Minji knew that worrying about the budgeting and planning wasn’t her job, there were entire teams for that and they always did their best with what they were given. But the fact that there was something she could to directly help Dreamcatcher’s succeed after the plundered collaboration with Sunmi made her feel like she couldn’t say no.

So, no Minji didn’t even want to dye her hair and was planning on having dark hair again for this comeback. She only found out about this after a call at 3 am informed her that a car was picking her, rousing her from the short sleep, and then she had to fight sleep in a chair for 7 hours while her hair was bleached, even making her run late for the shooting.

“Unnie,” Dami interrupted her wandering thoughts. “I’ll let you do what you want… just like you let me do what I wanted. I won’t tell the others if that’s what you really want. You don’t have to decide anything now, I think you need to get some sleep before anything else anyway. But just know that you are not alone, and we will fight for you if you need it. You don’t even have to ask.”

And oh, it was so tempting, especially as Dami engulfed her in a rare hug that mended whatever rift she created between them. Her tired bones teamed up with her contused heart to beg her to let them rest. To let someone else carry the weight with her for a bit. Because it was getting too heavy for her on her own.

This thought stayed with her even through the next days. For an entire group dinner, she had zoned out completely, missing whatever story Bora was retelling animatedly, as Minji argued with herself. She wished so hard that she could just say something out loud. The words playing out loud in her head: “I’m having a problem.” “I don’t want to be marketed as a visual.” “The company knows.” “The CEO is running her life; ruining her life.” “The thoughts in her head were getting too loud.” “She felt like she was drowning.”

“Are you okay?” Yoohyeon’s hand on hers pulled her out of the imaginary confessional.

“I need help,” Minji blurted out before she could get her thoughts in order.

This grabbed Yoohyeon’s full attention, the lead singer turned to face her fully and asked, “With what?”.

The anticipation on Yoohyeon’s face coupled with a soft, encouraging smile dragged Minji back down to earth. Her head beating out her heart and body. It wasn’t just her career she was risking. It was Yoohyeon’s and the rest of the Dreamcatcher members.

Minji took a slow look around the table, taking in the smiling and shinning faces. She didn’t want to be the reason it was wiped away. “With the new song… could you help me with my part?”

Minji herself was as disappointed as Yoohyeon seemed to be with her answer.

Yoohyeon maintained eye contact for a few seconds, as if giving Minji a chance to take it back, to tell the truth, before finally smiling in resignation and saying, “Of course baby, anything you need.”

Minji was screaming inside of her own head, the bite of the food she took to occupy herself tasting like ash on her tongue. Why couldn’t she talk? Why couldn’t she just talk? Why couldn’t she talk to them anymore?

——————

In just a few days, her life flipped upside down. The clip blew up very quickly and Minji hated it. Hated that this was what got picked up outside of their fanbase and went viral. Hated that despite every ounce of blood, sweat, and tears they poured into their work, it never got as much attention from the general public. Hated that now her name was known for all the superficial reasons: visual, hot, sexy.

The company of course was ecstatic, the amount of money they had poured into the clip itself and advertising it paid off and they were celebrating every million views milestone with gusto, quickly capitalizing on the attention with dropping every behind-the-scenes footage of the filming they can, accepting interview requests left and right. So many early mornings and late nights that Minji spent posing in front of strangers, cameras trained on her so that the company could plaster Jiu’s face and body on social media.

But Minji cried herself to sleep the night the number of views on the special clip surpassed one of their older music videos view count.

The other members were at first as happy as the company, congratulating Minji on her achievement, especially that it was creating a ripple effect, getting new fans to check out Dreamcatcher, reflecting in a steeper upward trend in the streaming numbers for Dreamcatcher’s songs and other videos.

“Holy shit, Minji,” Bora’s first reaction was unusual in that it was not to tease her. “That’s…”

“Sexy as fuck,” Siyeon finished her sentence, making the others burst out in laughter. Then Siyeon turned to Yoohyeon. “Thank you for saving planet Earth.”

Yoohyeon had not said a word so far, her mouth left half-hanging open. Dami laughed as Yoohyeon looked at Siyeon completely blank, her phone still trained on Yoohyeon to film her reaction as she had jokingly told Minji. “What?”

“In your past life. You must have saved our planet to be dating one of the hottest women on it now,” Siyeon finished the joke with a shit-eating grin, earning her a range of reactions from the members, from Minji turning bright red, Bora mock-annoyed punching Siyeon, Handong’s face turning disgusted at the line, Gahyeon yelling out about the greasiness of it, and Dami muffling her laughter as she panned the camera at the different members’ faces.

The target of the joke was staring blankly at Siyeon, only responding with only a “Ehh?” that even Minji, who had been curling on herself in embarrassment, laughed at.

Yoohyeon turned to Minji at hearing her voice for the first time since they pressed play on the clip. “Uhmm… that was good—nice! Great, Minji.”

The members laughed harder, Bora ’s laugh piercing in the room seemingly snapping Yoohyeon a bit out of it. “Oh god, I don’t think the blood is rushing to her brain anymore,” Bora teased.

That earned a reaction from Yoohyeon as she lifted a fist, “Oh I’ll show you blood.” Then started chasing Bora around the dorm.

“The fans are freaking out,” Gahyeon reported as she smirked at whatever she was seeing on her phone. “‘Write it on my grave. Cause of Death: [Special Clip] Dreamcatcher Jiu ft. Dami, Roll Deep (Cover)’ insomnia are so funny, you should see these posts unnie.”

Minji smiled at Gahyeon but lifted a hand to stop Gahyeon from handing her the phone, earning a curious look from the maknae. Minji saw in the corner of her eye that Dami stopped filming at that, and was instead looking at her with a frown.

“It turned out great, Dami-yah. I didn’t realize they would edit your part like that, you looked so cool,” Minji said sincerely. The comic style effects they added to Dami’s part mixed really well with her natural swag, really highlighting the short rap verse.

“Thanks unnie,” Dami blushed, pleased with her part, but Minji could sense her hesitation.

When Yoohyeon returned, obviously victorious for once in whatever (hopefully) mock fight she had with the main dancer, her eyes were not leaving Minji the entire time as the others continued the lighthearted discussion about the clip, filled with endless praise for Minji, Dami, and the staff that made it all happen. Minji knew she should be flattered by the attention, but it was making her nervous.

“You’re staring,” Minji whispered to Yoohyeon, who was sitting next to her.

Yoohyeon hummed, “Can you blame me?” Yoohyeon’s voice was low and dipped in something that sent tingles down Minji’s spine.

Minji gained some confidence from the reaction, and feigned ignorance as she said airily, “Didn’t know that was your thing.”

“Baby, anything you do is my thing. But that, especially, was incredible,” Yoohyeon’s whispered words right into her ear made Minji shiver.

“Oh yeah?”

Yoohyeon responded with a light peck behind Minji ’s ear, making the eldest squirm in her seat. “God, you’re so hot, Minji.”

A splash of water startled both Minji and Yoohyeon out of their world. Yoohyeon who had taken the brunt of it gasped and turned around to see that Dami was the offender, an open bottle of water in her hand and a disgusted look on her face.

“I don’t wanna hear or see THAT,” Dami said.

“Then don’t eavesdrop,” Yoohyeon grumbled as she wiped away the water on her clothes, but a blush started spreading from her neck.

“I’m sitting right next to you!” Dami objected.

Minji gave an embarrassed laugh. They got a bit carried away. “Sorry Dami-yah.”

Dami didn ’t meet her eyes, but the small smile that made it to her face before Dami went back to scowling again reassured her that despite them being obnoxious with PDA just then, the main rapper was actually happy for their relationship and her reprimand lacked any real mirth.

Although looking at Yoohyeon again, Minji realized she should probably take the lead vocalist away from there before she did actually do something to traumatize the others or in the case of Bora, give her more ammo to tease them.

But it didn’t take long for the members to also get annoyed with how everyone only wanted to talk about how Minji looked and realize that Minji was not so happy with the attention.

Minji and Dami went to a variety show with another subunit of two young girl group singers, but how Minji looked in the special clip was all the hosts could rave about, even printing out some stills from the video and asking Minji to recreate the poses. Dami tried to steer the conversation a bit, bringing up that Hyuna herself had recently retweeted the clip, complimenting Minji’s performance as one of the best covers she had ever seen, which was news to Minji as she had generally been avoiding looking at social media, so it brought a smile to her face to receive praise from a veteran singer she idolized.

The hosts tried to continue the same topic again of Minji’s outfits and dancing, but to her surprise, the two other singers were the ones that derailed that conversation by starting to talk about Dreamcatcher’s songs, saying they were huge fans and they were so excited to be sharing air time with Jiu and Dami; one of them even shyly revealed that she had a photo card of Jiu on the back of her phone, and they performed a short cover of “Deja Vu” that they had prepared.

This wholesome interaction made the rest of the interview more bearable, and afterwards Minji asked to take some photos with the young singers, which earned her a flurry of squeals, the youngest was practically shaking as Minji placed an arm around her shoulder, earning a full-hearted laugh from Minji.

“They’re so cute,” Minji remarked to Dami as they waved the girls goodbye.

Dami agreed, a smile on her face, obviously also pleased with the interaction.

Unfortunately, the good feelings were wiped away when they stepped outside that studio, to find that there was an unexpected number of fans and they only had one manager with them and no security.

“Unnie…” Dami’s voice held a note of panic as they were swarmed, and Minji quickly pulled the younger closer to her, wrapping as much of her body as she could around Dami on one side, and instructing their overwhelmed manager to stay on Dami’s other side, knowing the main rapper wasn’t so comfortable with such crowds. Cameras were being shoved practically into Minji’s face and she tried to keep a neutral smile, greeting people who called out “Jiu” over and over, but it was getting more difficult to be patient when they were giving them no space, hands reaching out to touch her with no regards to personal space or social decorum. Minji didn’t even see a single familiar face close to them, having—after years of having a small Korean following—grown to recognize their fan sites and other committed fans that showed up to greet them outside different locations.

Minji hissed when the lens of a professional camera clipped the side of her face, making Dami immediately try to stop to check on her, but Minji shook her head and continued walking. They needed to get to the car as soon as possible. Minji let her hair fall into her face, and Dami tried to reach her arms in front of her to make some room so that they can push forward till they reached the curb.

Except, their car wasn’t their waiting for them like they were expecting.

The look of distraught on their manager’s face did not help.

Dami was slightly trembling in her arms, and Minji had to pointedly shake her head at her when Dami almost yelled at someone to back off when he shoved hard against Minji.

The screams for her name were getting louder now that they weren’t moving anymore.

The hands touching her, unfamiliar and uninvited.

Minji had to bite back the tears, trying to think of a way out of this.

—————————

Yoohyeon and the others were waiting with their general manager, Tae, for Minji and Dami to arrive so that they could go to their next schedule when Tae, who was looking at his phone suddenly cursed and stood up.

“Oppa? What is it?” Bora asked with a frown, but Tae didn’t answer as he dialled a number, impatiently tapping his foot as he waited for a response.

They all went quiet, on edge from their normally strong manager acting distressed.

“What the hell happened? Are Jiu and Dami okay?” Tae immediately asked whoever picked up the phone, and the members right away stood up. Yoohyeon quickly reached for her phone to see if they had received any messages, but there was nothing. “You idiot, why would you not make sure the car was there before you left the building?”

Gahyeon seemed to have gone to social media directly because she suddenly gasped, drawing the attention of the rest of them to her. Yoohyeon felt her heart rate pick up as she approached the maknae, not knowing what to expect. Gahyeon turned her phone to show them, and it was video that was shot from across the street from the KBS building. Yoohyeon was confused as to why the video had gotten the maknae’s attention, it seemed like there was a huge crowd of fans, probably for a big idol group, and she wondered if someone else was shooting at the same time as Minji and Dami.

“What are we looking at?” Siyeon seemed to be as confused.

Gahyeon scrolled up a bit to point at what was written. The video was posted 20 minutes ago by a Jiu fan site with the caption, “Insane! Jiu and Dami got mobbed outside the KBS studio. @hf_dreamcatcher where the hell is security??”

“Wait, Minji and Dami are there?” She couldn’t even tell where in the video their members were.

“Put Jiu on the phone now,” Tae demanded angrily. “Then put Dami on!” There was a pause and then Tae visibly softened. “Dami-yah, are you okay? … Tell me … Her head? … Is it bad?”

Yoohyeon felt sick. What the hell happened?

“Are you guys safe now? … Fans helped? What? … Why didn’t they bring you back into the building? … these motherfu—” Tae took a deep breath. “Okay, okay, I’ll deal with these idiots later. The important thing is that you two are safe right now.”

She must have squeezed Handong’s arm a bit too tightly because Handong patted her hand twice, and Yoohyeon quickly apologized and loosened her grip, but Handong wrapped an arm around her waist for support.

“Shit,” Gahyeon cursing startled the older members, and their eyes quickly fell to another video showing Minji, Dami, and their manager more clearly this time as they approached the street. Minji was easily recognizable by her blond hair in the sea of people, and Dami was tucked to her side, obviously held by Minji but Dami kept on glancing up at Minji’s face for some reason. Minji was not looking up, hiding behind her hair, but the screams for her name were loud enough to be picked up from across the street.

@ethsu: “It seems like their car is not there anymore??? They only have one staff with them. We’re staying across the street because they’re already overwhelmed. Are these even fans if they’re treating them like this?”

@lomljiu: “I think someone hit Jiu’s head because she was suddenly holding it and then stopped interacting with the fans. Dami looks pissed!”

@7Dfrvr: “@hf_dreamcatcher do your job properly, they’re practically the only group making you money, you should at least spend some of it to keep them safe!”

“What the hell is going on?” Bora’s voice was vocalizing all their thoughts. Yoohyeon hoped that neither girl was hurt.

“They’re here,” Tae announced as he hung up his phone and soon enough there were noises at the entrance. 

Yoohyeon immediately broke into a sprint, and halted when she saw Dami walking in, reverse of the video, she was the one who had an arm wrapped around Minji’s waist.

“She’s not leaving for a schedule again without a full security team,” Dami spat out as soon as she saw Tae, who stood with the rest of them shocked at the anger radiating off Dami. Dami helped Minji sit on the couch, and then turned to the manager who was with them, “And you better hope this doesn’t leave a mark on her face, because I’m suing you personally for negligence if it does.”

“Dami-yah, calm down please…” Siyeon tried to placate, but Dami snapped at her.

“You weren’t there, you didn’t see the shit show that just happened unnie,” Dami’s voice was wavering, and Handong quickly went and wrapped the main rapper in her arms. That seemed to dissolve Dami’s anger as Dami buried her face in Handong’s neck.

Yoohyeon and Bora slowly moved to Minji’s side, seeing as how the leader was yet to even lift her head.

“Minji?” Yoohyeon placed a hand on Minji’s arm, but that seemed to be a mistake because Minji immediately jumped. Her head snapping up to assess the situation, the icepack she was holding against the side of her head was pulled away so it finally revealed her face, an angry red mark was on the side of her forehead.

“Oh, Yoohyeona,” Minji breathed out. The way Minji’s lip quivered let Yoohyeon know that the leader was trying to hold it together.

“Hey,” Yoohyeon greeted with a soft smile, as she sat down next to Minji and checked on her head. Thankfully there was no cut, but it did look like it would bruise. “Does it hurt?”

“It’s a bit sore,” Minji said in a small voice as she leaned on Yoohyeon, who immediately wrapped one arm around Minji’s waist, the other hand taking the ice pack from Minji’s hand and so she was the one holding it to the side of Minji’s head. “Dami?”

“She’s fine, don’t worry. Dongie and Gahyeon are with her,” Bora assured, as she looked back at the trio. Yoohyeon wanted to go to comfort Dami as well but she knew the main rapper was in good hands, Handong having almost a magical ability when it comes to handling the maknaes. “The doctor is on his way to check on you.”

“Okay,” Minji didn’t object or unnecessarily try to tell them that she was okay, which made Yoohyeon worry.

“Are you feeling nauseous or dizzy or anything?” Yoohyeon questioned. A hit to the head could mean a concussion.

Minji closed her eyes as she admitted, “A bit, but I’m not sure if it’s from my head or the whole situation,”

“Minji what happened? We only saw a couple of videos from afar,” Bora asked as she knelt in front of Minji so that she could look at her face better. “There were so many fans? And the car wasn’t there?”

“We only had Dusik with us since it wasn’t a group schedule. It was too much for him to be able to do anything. I’ve never seen so many fans when it wasn’t our concert,” Minji was clearly shaken up by what happened because her voice trembled, a hand held tightly onto Bora’s.

Yoohyeon tightened her hold on the leader, hoping to remind her that she was safe now.

Minji continued, “The car wasn’t there, and we would have been stuck if it wasn’t for some insomnias that I recognized. They quickly came from across the street and pushed people away and said they had a car. One even offered Dusik the car keys, just saying they could come pick up the car from the company or wherever else later. It wasn’t the safest option, and Dusik was refusing, but we needed to get out of there, so I agreed. A fan’s car is literally outside.”

“The fans helped?” Yoohyeon asked surprised. She never wanted to hug a fan as much in her life.

“Wow,” Bora shook her head, “Someone is getting fired for this.”

Minji’s face fell, “I don’t want that…”

“Yeah, but you could have gotten seriously hurt Minji, both you and Dami. Where the hell did that driver go?”

They were interrupted by the CEO’s voice, “Jiu-yah, are you okay?”

Minji sat up and urgently tapped Yoohyeon’s hand that was resting on her hip twice, and Yoohyeon dropped her hand in confusion. This wasn’t the first time Minji pulled away from her when the CEO showed up. What, was Minji worried he’d find out about their relationship from just their skinship?

Everyone’s attention was immediately on Joowon, who took hurried steps till he was in front of Minji.

Joowon’s eyes quickly scanned Minji and then settled on her face, “Show me.” He instructed, and Yoohyeon pulled the ice pack away. He breathed out in relief, after seeing her face.

Yoohyeon was still sitting very close to Minji and so she felt the way Minji’s body tensed, and the soft scoff that the leader gave.

“Nothing make-up can’t cover,” Minji’s words were more bitter than they have ever heard before.

Yoohyeon frowned at the odd statement and shared a look with Bora. Wasn’t it a good thing that Minji wasn’t badly hurt?

———————

The one good thing that came out of the incident was that Minji finally got a day off because by the time she woke up in the morning, the side of her head was a canvas of purple and blue, and Yoohyeon absolutely refused to let Minji out of bed even though the doctor said there was no sign of concussion. Siyeon called the managers to cancel Minji’s schedule and the leader didn’t object, seeming grateful for the break.

The virality of Jiu’s special clip took them all by surprise. They knew of course the fans would love it, but they didn’t expect the pour in of non-fans. The members were very excited for Minji’s success, wishing it happened when it was an own song release by the leader like originally planned instead of just a cover, but still in this industry, such attention would always at least guarantee anticipation for the next release, and that’s why comeback preparations suddenly went at incredible speed, a mystery code was released by the end of the week when the music video wasn’t even recorded yet. They understood it was to capitalize on the unprecedented attention.

It didn’t mean that they couldn’t see how miserable Minji was getting by the day, coming back from the endless photoshoots or interviews completely drained and going straight to bed without even eating, only to have to wake up a couple of hours later again. Minji was usually proud of her work, so the level of disinterest she had in this special clip was curious. Yoohyeon recalled that Minji had a hard time recording it and that day Yoohyeon was thankful she had still been in the company when she received Dami’s text to go to find Minji because the recording wasn’t going well.

Yoohyeon had right away said goodbye to the fans on vlive and went to search for Minji. The manager who was with her in one of the small vocal practice rooms seemed relieved when he saw Yoohyeon, and explicitly told the lead vocalist that Minji still had to continue recording with a pointed look, before giving them some privacy. Yoohyeon didn ’t have to wonder about the manager’s instructions when she right away saw Minji’s teary eyes. She understood of course the logic, but the fact that Minji was being told not to cry didn’t sit well with Yoohyeon. So Yoohyeon didn’t tell her girlfriend not to cry, instead Yoohyeon encouraged Minji to tell her what she was finding challenging about the song, and even though the song was also not Yoohyeon’s preferred style of singing, she tried her best to go through the song bit by bit with Minji, troubleshooting the parts that were seeming impossible to the leader, listening and offering feedback till Minji was feeling more confident about trying the recording again. The smile with no tears in sight that Minji gave her before she left was more than enough reward for her efforts.

“Do you need anything baby?” Yoohyeon asked.

“You, please,” Minji was pouting and Yoohyeon cooed at the request and went and snuggled up to her girlfriend in bed. They haven’t been interacting so much with their busy schedule and Minji’s even busier one. Minji coming to her arms in the middle of the night when Yoohyeon had already fallen asleep, only to leave her before Yoohyeon woke up wasn’t enough.

Minji’s eyes closed, and a satisfied sigh escaping the leader as Yoohyeon caressed her face.

Yoohyeon couldn’t help her frown at the bruise marring Minji’s beautiful face. She would have felt so self-conscious about it if she were in Minji’s shoes.

Wanting to make sure Minji didn’t feel insecure, Yoohyeon said, “You’re always so beautiful baby, this will heal in no time, I’m sure.”

Minji tensed, her body ever so slightly pulling away from Yoohyeon.

“What?” Yoohyeon asked tentatively.

“Would it be so bad if it didn’t?”

The lead vocalist froze. What kind of question was that?

“What do you mean?”

Eyes opening, Minji also paused for a second, looking like she perhaps didn’t mean to say that out loud. “If it had left a mark… a scar on my face. Would it be a big deal for you?”

“It’s just a bruise Minji, it’s not gonna scar,” Yoohyeon answered confused.

“I know, but if it had… would it change anything? For you?”

Yoohyeon’s eyes widened as she realized what Minji was actually asking. “Of course not baby. You’re incredibly beautiful Minji, but that’s not why I love you…” Yoohyeon couldn’t help but be a bit hurt by the question. “How could you ask me that?”

Minji’s face scrunched in apology, “Sorry, I just…” then she sighed. “Never mind. It was a stupid question. I’m sorry.”

“It’s not stupid if it’s something on your mind,” Yoohyeon said, wanting to get to the root of the issue. “Tell me…”

Minji looked up at Yoohyeon in adoration, and Yoohyeon went back to running her finger’s gently on Minji’s face.

“Just so much focus on how I look, how sexy I am these days… and with yesterday… maybe it’s getting to my head a bit,” Minji admitted. “It’s nothing serious, don’t worry.”

Minji left a peck on her lips and rested her head on Yoohyeon’s chest and drifted off to sleep, leaving a troubled Yoohyeon wide awake.

Yoohyeon has learned to take whatever crumbs Minji left seriously these days. This obviously was actually something that Minji was concerned about. People’s love for her.

So much attention was on Minji’s visuals since the special clip came to life, comments praising her looks up and down on all the posts about her, fuelled by the company’s increased exposure on Minji. But Minji had to know that even though there was currently an influx of fans that were drawn in by her visuals, that she was much more than that, right?

————————

Turned out the incident did leave a scar on Minji, just the invisible kind. Minji’s entire body froze as the car doors opened and they were greeted by cheering from the fans. Yoohyeon’s hands were quick to her, one on her lower back, one on her arm, inquisitive sad eyes on her. Yoohyeon read her so quickly as if she was expecting it.

Bora turned around when she realized Minji and Yoohyeon didn’t follow them out. “What is it?”

“I—” Minji’s breathing was picking up, alarming them. She was overreacting, there was nothing to worry about.

“Unnie,” Siyeon’s voice came low. “We have a lot of guards with us today. The fans were already instructed online to keep their distance otherwise they won’t be allowed outside of venues anymore. And all of us are here with you.”

She knew that. They have been briefed by Tae on the changes. The situation had gotten a lot of attention online, and lots of pressure was put on DCC to guard their talent better. Not that the company didn’t want to, the CEO himself had hired a new road manager and security team that had been accompanying Minji to every schedule. Couldn’t risk letting the face of the group get hurt again.

“We can find another entrance,” Yoohyeon suggested. Sweet, unnecessarily accommodating when Minji was being unreasonable.

They were drawing attention. Minji could see it from the car, how some fans were trying to peak into the car, how Handong and Gahyeon who stood on either side of Dami, posing for the cameras also glanced behind nervously. When Dami met her eyes and looked like she was going to start walking back towards her, Minji decided she needed to get her shit together.

“No, no, I can do this.”

“You don’t need to force yourself,” Yoohyeon argued, and both Bora and Siyeon nodded.

And Minji was so grateful at the lengths they would go for her and knowing they would have her back no matter what, she was able to take a deep breath.

“I’m not. Together, right?” Minji stepped out of the car, her hands held in Yoohyeon’s and Siyeon’s.

Her appearance was too well-received by the fans, who did keep their distance, but their shouts reached them easily. Some asked her if she was okay, this was after all her first time out in public in front of the fans since, and the fans only had her online posts assuring them she was okay, not even photos since her face was bruised. The question warmed her heart, and with the members close by, Minji found herself relaxing, a genuine smile making it on her face. Minji loved interacting with their fans, she treasured each of them immensely, knowing the fans never hesitated to show their love and to put in the work to support Dreamcatcher. There was no reason for her to fear being in front of them.

 When they made it inside the studio, Yoohyeon had a gentle smile on her face as she looked at Minji.

“What?” Minji whispered.

“I’m just proud of how you handled yourself out there,” Yoohyeon’s words were soft caresses on her soul. “I can’t imagine how difficult it must be, when this fear takes over, the panic… I was worried you were just gonna put up a front and push through and end up hurting yourself in the process. But I saw how you calmed yourself down and let yourself trust… You trusted that we were there, that the guards were there, and that the fans just wanted to tell you they loved you. Even if some of them were apparently trained by Bora unnie herself in how to loudly express love,” Yoohyeon then gave a mega watt smile. “I’m just glad to see you enjoying yourself.”

Yoohyeon didn’t give her a chance to respond, throwing a wink and walking away, leaving Minji a melted puddle in her spot. Minji might be good with her words when expressing her love, but Yoohyeon was a star at expressing her feelings, knowing exactly when to say her beautiful thoughts out loud.

Yoohyeon’s words carried her through the variety show. It was the most relaxed she felt in a while that at some point the hosts called her out on her frozen state, apparently she sat there unmoving with a smile and silently observing for too long.

“What are you thinking about Jiu-ssi?” the host asked.

“Oh,” Minji blushed. “Just how much I love the members.”

If her eyes lingered on Yoohyeon for a few extra seconds, it was entirely subconscious.

When Minji was being like this, usually the members would cringe at her, but their reaction wasn’t that this time. As if her affections have been so few and far in between, the members latched on to her words, a chorus of “awws” and “cute unnie” and “we love you too” filled the studio, making Minji blush even more, give out one of her loud laughs, and fan herself at the attention. Her reaction drew multiple cameras to be directed at her, but at that moment Minji didn’t care.

Minji was still thinking about Yoohyeon’s words when they got back into the car. Reflecting on how what Yoohyeon didn’t say was that she was glad that Minji trusted them in that moment, and Minji realized how her actions and most of all her silence might have been indicating otherwise. And Minji would vehemently object that of course she did trust them, but she had to pause.

They have been all asking her to talk to them, love and support pouring in even when her lips were sealed shut. They never tired of her even when she not just stayed silent, but also doubted them.

“That hurt unnie… You thinking that I would be upset over something like that” She didn’t trust Siyeon by thinking that the main vocalist would be upset about the collaboration.

“Everyone here is an amazing vocalist of their own right and there is no wrong decision when it comes to choosing between us.” She didn’t trust Yoohyeon’s abilities as a vocalist by believing the CEO.

“Do you think I care more about a song than I care about you?” She didn’t trust Yoohyeon’s love by thinking Yoohyeon would not forgive her for the collaboration being cancelled.

“Did I… Did I do something to upset you?” She didn’t trust Dami by avoiding her when she thought the main rapper was getting too close to the truth.

“I’ll let you do what you want… just like you let me do what I wanted. I won’t tell the others if that’s what you really want.” She didn’t trust Dami by thinking the main rapper would go against her wishes and strip away her choice to share with the others.

“I hate seeing you like this. Let us help you.” “We love you Minji. It hurts that you won’t let us in.” “But just know that you are not alone, and we will fight for you if you need it. You don’t even have to ask.” “You are my heart, Minji. I’ll keep you safe forever.” And above all, by not telling them that the company knew and all the things Minji had to endure because of it, wasn’t Minji not trusting Yoohyeon, and the others? If she had told them from the very start, it wouldn’t have escalated to the point where she knew the members would want to leave the company if they found out what was happening.

When did Minji stop putting her trust in them?

The realization made Minji immediately want to fall to her knees and beg for forgiveness. How did she let fear grip her so badly that she pushed them away so much? How did they still love her unconditionally despite all that she has been putting them through?

And right then and there Minji tore out a decision from the teeth of the monsters that plagued her mind. The screams were loud with threats about what would happen if she did this but it’s a decision she should have made a while ago but was too much of a coward to. It didn’t have to be everything, she just needed to take a step.

Yoohyeon as if attuned to her thoughts turned to her with a curious look.

“What’s up?” Yoohyeon’s smile was soft, steady, always encouraging.

“I need help,” Minji repeated the words and saw recognition on Yoohyeon’s face.

Yoohyeon swallowed, her entire focus on Minji, “With what?”

Minji gave a relieved smile for she knew she would be able to truthfully answer Yoohyeon this time.

Yoohyeon seemed to recognize the shift in Minji because her hands grabbed Minji’s, both of them unintentionally taking a deep breath at the same time.

“There’s something I need to talk to you about,” Minji started. Her whole body was trembling, but Yoohyeon’s hands were steel and reinforced concrete, resisting the earthquake. “I—”

“—Jiu-ssi,” the new manager’s voice interrupted from the front of the car. “I just got a message from the CEO that there’s an event you need to attend with him, we’re heading to the company.”

And just like that reality snapped into place. All the courage she mustered, the words she prepared were slipping away like sand through her fingers.

But Yoohyeon’s hand were under hers, a net catching it all for her. “Minji?” Yoohyeon called out as if feeling the urgency in striking the hammer while the iron was hot.

“The car was a terrible place to start this conversation,” Minji chuckled humourlessly.

Yoohyeon shook her head, “It doesn’t matter where or when.”

“Later then?”

Yoohyeon seemed reluctant but probably also understood that they could hardly have a proper conversation whispering in the back seat of a car with a driver, a manager, and two other members, and getting interrupted again in 15 minutes when they reach the company.

“You promise?”

“I promise, Hyeon.”

Chapter Text

The event was a gala, a fund-raiser that would have a lot of the big actors, idols, and industry names in attendance, and Minji was to be the CEO’s plus one; he said being in front of the cameras would be a good opportunity to promote Dreamcatcher since Jiu was in the public eye these days. These last-minute additions to her schedule were getting on Minji’s nerves though; most of the photoshoots and some of the interviews she had this week she was only told about only very late the night before or was even woken up with the road manager telling her he was picking her up. She wasn’t sure if they were accepting last minute invitations from when other guests cancelled or if they were just really not telling her in advance on purpose.

The members had kept her company while she got her hair and make-up done, and marvelled at her outfit when she was dressed in an elegant black floor length gown, with a slit that went high on Minji’s left thigh, which was sponsored by GOEN.J, who Minji have been wearing clothes from the last couple of photoshoots; the brand having reached out to the company for an endorsement deal after Minji had drawn their attention with their logo-ed shirt she wore during the special clip having sold out within the week.

When Minji stood in front of her in full make-up, blond hair cascading in waves on her bare shoulders, bangs parted in the middle into two commas, Yoohyeon had shyly told her she looked really breath-taking and a light blush coated Minji’s cheeks at the fondness in the lead vocalist’s tone. Yoohyeon wished her a good evening and emphasized that she would wait up for Minji; and while the others had said the same, wanting to hear about how the gala would go, Yoohyeon’s squeeze of her hand left no doubt that she meant she would wait to continue their interrupted conversation. Minji’s hands left Yoohyeon’s reluctantly as she departed, with eyes lingering on the lead vocalist as Minji wished it was Yoohyeon whose arm would be linked with hers tonight; but unfortunately, she was going alone with the CEO.

The event was grander than anything Minji had ever been to and the guest list was so impressive that Minji had to actively stop herself from gawking when people she looked up to or watched on TV all her life casually passed by in front of her. She didn’t know anyone personally there so far, so she gave a bright smile when Red Velvet’s Wendy gave her a smile and small bow as they crossed paths. Wendy was walking next to Yeri, who made some comment that Wendy lightly punched her shoulder for, and it made Minji miss her members a lot; they would have had a great time together here. Seeing that some solo artists were also there, Minji couldn’t help but scan the crowd for Sunmi, even though she wouldn’t even be able to greet the artist if she had found her; but seeing a familiar face still would’ve been nice.

Since Minji was entirely out of her comfort zone, she had to follow the CEO’s lead, and engage in small talk with people the CEO introduced her to. People who were even less familiar to Minji as they were the crowd a company owner would typically be engaging with: producers, executives, and other CEOs. Minji found her mind wandering with all the pointless conversations that she couldn’t give input to.

They were finally invited to take their seats at the table for the speeches and dinner portion of the evening, the latter would have normally excited the Dreamcatcher leader, but her appetite had completely disappeared recently. As grateful as she was to attend such an event, she wasn’t invited here by the organizers, she was merely her CEO’s guest and as such was experiencing the event a bit differently from the other idols and celebrities there. That came clear with the table seating arrangement, when it was another set of well-dressed men that she didn’t have a clue who they were and only faintly recognized the names on the placards.

The CEO was to her right, and the seat to her left was empty until a man arrived at the table and was greeted by enthusiastic cheers from the other occupants. His navy-blue suit was expensive looking, the Rolex on his wrist caught the light, and Bora would have had a great time coming up with jokes about how his sleeked back hair and general boisterous demeanour reminded her of certain drama characters.

He exchanged pleasantries with the others and then paused when he saw Minji, who had politely stood up like the rest to greet him. His eyes raked over Minji from head to toe with casual appraisal.

“I don’t believe we’ve met before, I’m Lee Sangwon,” the man introduced himself with what should have probably come off as a charming smile, but Minji wanted to roll her eyes at how he unnaturally deepened his voice after she had just heard how he talked to the others.

The CEO spoke, “Ah PD-nim, let me introduce you to my shinning star. This is Dreamcatcher’s leader Jiu.”

Minji wanted to scoff at the introduction. ‘Shinning star’ said the man who was operating the spotlight.

“Oh!” Sangwon’s eyes lit up in recognition. “Of course, of course, you’ve been taking quite a chunk of air these days.”

“Sangwon-ssi here is an executive producer at JTBC, so he would know all about airtime,” the CEO clarified to Minji.

“Nice to meet you Sangwon-ssi,” Minji greeted politely.

“Sorry, I didn’t recognize you in this formal wear,” his eyes were on her again as if trying to meld this image of her with the one going viral in the special clip. Gown and classic make-up were very different from tight leather shorts, cropped shirt, and wild hair.

“That’s alright, it’s very different from the Dreamcatcher stage outfits,” Minji challenged the image in his head, guessing he probably never even saw a single Dreamcatcher music video.

“True, but I should’ve recognized you. I have seen a lot of your group’s comeback stages, but you have had dark hair for the past few, so maybe it’s the blond that confused me.” His smirk made it clear that he knew he threw her off with his comment.

Minji gave a tight smile and didn’t spare him any excitement for talking about following the group even though the CEO seemed very pleased with the recognition. Minji wasn’t normally like that, would usually revel at someone, no matter who they are, talking about knowing Dreamcatcher. And maybe it was the bit of fame getting to her head making her less humble, or maybe it was this knot at the pit of her stomach that started forming from the moment he looked her up and down before deciding to greet her, as if she was only worth his attention because she looked good. Either way, Minji knew it was going to be a long night when he took the seat to her left and shifted slightly so that his body was angled towards her.

Everyone’s attention was to the front of the room where the evening’s host was welcoming everyone and explaining the charity cause that brought them all here tonight, but Minji could feel Sangwon’s eyes on her the whole time. She accidentally made brief eye contact with him when the speech ended, when she tried to confirm that it wasn’t just in her mind, and he took that as an opportunity to start a conversation.

He was obviously very knowledgeable about the industry, and had a lot of insights given his position, so even though the name dropping was both impressive in terms of who he has gotten to work with and yet unimpressive in the way he would bring it up and wait for Minji to be amazed by it, they did have an interesting conversation about the public’s reception of different music releases over time. He seemed to be very amused by Minji’s newly found bluntness, which earned her a glare from the CEO a couple of times when he had joined in the conversation before getting distracted by another at the other side of the table.

“I have to say, you’re really fascinating Jiu-ssi,” he said. “Usually, idols are a lot more reserved, especially female idols, who are always trying to maintain a wholesome image.”

“It’s what the public demands, no?” Minji spat out. She had hardly said anything that warrants attention, she still knew her place and especially in a crowd like this. Was he really so unused to people not worshiping the ground he was walking on, that her disinterest in him was ‘fascinating’?

“It is, unfortunately. I always wished that idols were given freer reign to do what they want, especially the female idols,” he stressed again. “So I should’ve known you would be very different with how your music video was.”

“A rock group should live up to the reputation of being a bit more rebellious, right?” Minji quipped, even though she knew it wasn’t what he meant. “You should meet the other members, I’m very ordinary in comparison.”

But he decided to be dense on purpose, “I seriously doubt that, otherwise they would be the ones whose faces are taking Korea by a storm.”

Minji clenched her fist, she was growing tired and wished she was home instead. She hoped that Yoohyeon was relaxing with the others for the evening, and not overthinking the conversation that they’re long overdue for. A bit of peace enveloped her at the thought of talking to Yoohyeon tonight.

“I’m sure you’ve heard this a lot, but you are so much more beautiful in person,” he interrupted her moment of reflection.

Minji thanked him and took her glass of wine in her hand and started to look around, hoping to find something she could shift her attention to.

“You would do so well with appearances on a network like ours, don’t you think? Your face alone would draw in so many viewers,” he commented.

“Oh I’m not sure. Dreamcatcher company of course welcomes any promotional opportunity we can get, but as we discussed, it seems like Korea is still not ready to embrace rock with open arms so I’m not very sure how profitable that would be for you,” Minji knew that the CEO would have her head for a comment like this, being dismissive instead of trying to sell herself when the company has been setting up so many interviews and appearances for her. And she did doubt herself too, why was she being so reserved when she should be promoting Dreamcatcher? Was it just because he was bringing it up in the context of her visuals? The knot in her stomach was tightening.

Sangwon countered, “The public will accept whatever you sell them. You just have to be the right person selling it.”

And unfortunately, she couldn’t argue with him on that. They’ve seen first hand how songs with a concept similar to theirs were celebrated just because it was done by bigger groups from bigger companies. It was frustrating to no end when this happened and was sometimes even heart-breaking but they’ve learned to push through and continue doing their best, which has taken them up the ladder of success step by step and earned them a very dedicated fan following that was also growing more and more every comeback. It was the Korean recognition that they still struggled with and unfortunately that came with a fear for job security; not just for the members but for the company as a whole, evidenced by the CEO’s sudden push with this visual agenda.

Sangwon took her silence as agreement when she took too long to answer. “And not to brag, but that happens to be my specialty.”

Minji hummed noncommittally, and took a sip of her wine, not knowing what to say.

“I can make sure everyone in Korea knows your group’s name. With a leader like you,” his eyes were again trailing down her from her face, “Trust me it wouldn’t take long.”

Minji swallowed, getting uncomfortable with the conversation.

“I can see that you’re thinking it over. Smart girl,” he chuckled lowly and the hairs on the back of her neck stood. “We would work so well together.”

The hand on her thigh under the table startled her, his fingers were directly on her skin given how her dress was cut. Minji’s hand immediately went to push his, but he just tightened his grip on her leg. Minji’s breath hitched. She glared at him, but he was completely undeterred, only acknowledging her with slow blinks, as if he wasn’t doing anything out of the ordinary.

Her heart was hammering in her chest, not knowing how to get out of this without making a scene. She looked around the table to see if anyone noticed her predicament, but they were all engaged in their own conversations, talking loudly after several rounds of drinks had been served, and the table clothes was long and concealing his disgusting thumb caressing her thigh.

“What do you say Jiu-yah?” He smirked, as if feeding on her distress. He leaned in so that his words were delivered only to her. “These five minutes of fame you’re getting right now are only temporary and you know it. You have a lot to offer, but the public’s attention span is short. I can make you a real star.”

Minji felt like she was suffocating, his grip was so strong that she was sure it would leave bruises and scratching his hand with her nails only made him dig his own fingers into her thigh more.

“I’m not interested,” Minji gritted out, hoping that if she physically couldn’t push him away, then maybe she could verbally.

“Don’t play the innocent little girl now, you’ve shown me all dinner that the person in the music video wasn’t an act. And I love that in a woman.”

Minji wanted to throw up. This man was delusional if that’s what he got out of their conversation.

“Just imagine the stadiums filled with the chants if you work with me. Jiu. Jiu. Jiu,” he whispered.

His offer had zero appeal to her. Even if it had been her choice to do that special clip, it would have simply been to show another side of her. Not to get the attention of creeps like him.

“Good evening, everyone,” an unfamiliar voice cut in, “hope I’m not interrupting anything important, but mind if I borrow Jiu for a bit?” Red Velvet’s Irene’s voice was dipped in honey, but her eyes spoke a different story, sharp gaze pinning down Lee Sangwon in particular.

Minji’s surprise was muffled by her relief, the man’s hand had immediately retreated away from her as the occupants of the table were quick to their feet, bowing to Irene in greeting, even though they were executives and CEOs. The briefness of Irene’s bow also spoke from her side on where the power lied on the table with this new addition. Irene carried the name of her company and success behind her.

“Irene-ssi, it’s a pleasure to meet you. I’m Lee Joowon, CEO of Dreamcatcher Company,” the CEO introduced himself respectfully with another bow. “I didn’t realize you two were acquainted with each other,” the CEO remarked curiously, eyes flickering between Minji and Irene.

If Minji’s entire body wasn’t shaking, she might have been able to quickly come up with something to say to that, but thankfully Irene didn’t even bat an eye at the question.

“It’s nice to meet you Joowon-ssi,” Irene smiled and Minji had to give it to her how disarming it was. “We know each other through Wendy and Sua. New friends you might say,” Irene had moved so that she was standing behind Minji, lightly resting her hand on Minji’s shoulder. An imperceptible squeeze told Minji to go along with it. “We haven’t had a chance to meet up with our busy schedules, so I thought now would be the perfect time to catch up. That’s what these events are for anyway, right?”

The informal way Irene referred to Minji and Bora, and the touch on Minji’s shoulder really sold her story; although Minji did not know to what end the lie was for? She had never met Irene and even Wendy, sure was Bora’s friend by now but Minji did not know her either. But whatever the motive behind Irene’s interruption, Minji was glad.

“Of course, of course. I’m sure you have a very packed schedule and so do Dreamcatcher with the comeback preparations. You ladies go on ahead and catch up.” the CEO replied with a happy smile that made Minji want to scream. He brought her here specifically to network. Even if Irene wasn’t what he had in mind, it was obvious he wasn’t unhappy about the interruption. Minji being associated with Red Velvet’s leader in front of all these cameras was a publicity opportunity for him.

Irene smiled neutrally then turned her attention to Minji, “Shall we go, Jiu-yah?”

“Sure unnie,” Minji managed to say, remembering that Irene was older than her, as she laced her arm through the one Irene offered. “If you’ll excuse us,” Minji said quietly, mastering a small smile but not meeting the eyes of anyone on the table as she bowed.

Her knees felt weak as Irene guide her away.

“Keep smiling,” Irene instructed as she looked at her. “There are too many cameras on us.”

That would explain why Irene continued to act so familiar, throwing her head back in laughter after her instructions. Irene was really selling the story, and Minji hoped she could keep up with the Red Velvet leader’s act. She didn’t even manage to say anything, but fake laughing was welcome in this situation. It was a way for her to hide her unshed tears as she squeezed her eyes shut.

Irene must have seen right through her because she squeezed Minji’s hand.

Minji didn’t even question where Irene was taking her as they left the main hall. Anything was better than back there. Reaching the bathroom wasn’t entirely surprising, but the occupants were.

Minji didn’t expect Red Velvet’s Wendy and Seulgi to be in there. The two girls perked up as Irene and Minji walked in. Then her eyes fell on Sunmi.

“Unnie…” Minji couldn’t help the relief in her voice.

Sunmi smiled softly, “Hi Minji. Did everything go okay?” Sunmi asked, her question directed at Irene but worried eyes flickering to Minji.

“Yeah, they’re a bunch of idiots. Got them eating right out of my palm,” Irene airily replied as she let go of Minji’s arm.

And even though she was a stranger to Minji, she wished Irene hadn’t let go because Minji really was relying on her touch to keep her grounded.

Irene’s hands were quickly back on her and so were Sunmi’s and Wendy’s when Minji’s knees began to give out.

“Oh Minji!” Sunmi exclaimed as they guided her to the nearby bench. “Are you okay?”

Minji nodded quickly. She would have been embarrassed to be making a spectacle, but her heart was threatening to beat out of her chest. Now that she wasn’t in direct danger anymore, the adrenaline was leaving her, and her strength was giving away, her body shaking all over.

“Drink some water,” Sunmi instructed as she brought a glass to Minji’s lips. Minji robotically followed the instructions, and let Sunmi tip the glass for her, the cool water feeling refreshing in her current state. So was the air coming from a small electric fan close to her face that Seulgi was holding.

“Better?” Seulgi asked after a minute, as Sunmi brushed some of Minji’s hair out of her face and neck.

Minji nodded less erratically this time, “Thank you. I’m sorry…”

“Don’t worry about it,” Seulgi quickly assured.

“I should apologize for being so informal,” Irene said as a distraction. “We haven’t officially met yet, I’m Bae Joohyun, or Irene if you prefer.”

“I’m—” Minji had to stop to clear her throat. “I’m Kim Minji. Jiu… And please don’t apologize, I’m really grateful. Truly. You have no idea what you interrupted...”

“Oh I think I have quite a clear idea,” the disdain was clear in Irene’s voice, surprising Minji. Did Irene know what was happening at that table?

Sunmi added in explanation, “There was a reason why Joohyun went to get you.”

Minji swallowed. Did other people see what was happening from a distance?

“Did Sooyoung and Yeri leave like I asked,” Irene asked her members, referring to the maknae line.

“Yeah, don’t worry unnie, as soon as we mentioned Sangwon’s name they didn’t question it and went to the car,” Wendy answered.

Irene sighed, “Good. I don’t want any of you anywhere near that dick,” Irene then turned to Minji. “And you too, Jiu-ssi. Excuse my language, but this is really not a man you want to associate with. I don’t know how you ended up sitting next to him; female idols avoid him like the plague he is.”

“I—I didn’t know,” Minji confessed.

They weren’t normally in attendance at such events. They didn’t meet executives and producers. Dreamcatcher have been mostly shielded from this level of the industry. Whether it was because they weren’t successful enough in South Korea to garner such invitations or because their company had been doing something right and protecting them from that side, Minji didn’t know.

The Red Velvet members frowned as Sunmi cursed.

“That would explain,” Irene grumbled.

“Minji-yah, did he… did he say something? Do something?” Sunmi asked gently.

Minji felt shame fall on her for not being able to protect herself. Her hand went to cover her thigh where it was already feeling sore from his rough hold. She didn’t have the information about how disgusting this man was, but that explained the way Irene handled him all sharp eyes, unshakable words filled with challenge. Minji should have been able to do that too, she was her group’s leader just like Irene. Why did she just freeze in her place like an idiot instead of getting up? She didn’t even need to cause a scene, just the threat of it would have been enough. Men like that would be afraid of getting called out on their actions publicly. Minji knew this. She could have done something—

“—Minji…” Sunmi’s voice pulled her from the spiralling thoughts along with her hand dabbing a tissue to Minji’s face. Minji realized she had stopped holding the tears in.

Sunmi sat next to Minji and wrapped an arm around her, Minji leaned her head on the veteran idol’s shoulder as she tried to keep her emotions under check.

“I’m really really sorry you had to go through that,” the controlled anger was perceptible in Sunmi’s tone even under all the empathy. “I tried to get to you as soon as I saw who you were sitting next to, but…”

“—I know,” Minji finished in resignation. They couldn’t be seen interacting with each other in public, especially in front of the CEO.

Sunmi nodded with a grimace, “So I texted Seulgi to go to you.”

Minji knew somewhat of Sunmi’s and Seulgi’s friendship, Sunmi had fondly brought up the main dancer a few times in conversations and Sunmi wasn’t the only one who had gone down a YouTube spiral after her and Minji met (largely encouraged by Yoohyeon) and she recalled seeing the two on a variety show together. But Minji didn’t realize they were so close. Close enough that Sunmi would ask for such a favor and for Seulgi to agree to help a complete stranger to her.

Then Irene quipped in, “But I wouldn’t let any of the members near that man, so it took a few minutes for her to explain the situation to me when I stopped her,” Irene said, slightly apologetic. Minji completely understood that Irene wouldn’t be regretful about protecting her members, so she really appreciated that Irene was still sorry for the delay in getting to her.

Minji took a new tissue from Wendy gratefully as she tried to stop more tears from falling.

“I can’t thank you enough… the fact that you came to help me even though you don’t know me at all…” Minji couldn’t help the emotions that seeped into her tone.

“Well, you can thank Sunmi for that. Not that we wouldn’t have helped if we saw you in trouble…” Seulgi said softly.

Sunmi spoke, “I didn’t know you were here, I only found out when I was chatting with someone from the arranging committee about the turnout and he mentioned that the press was particularly excited by your unexpected appearance on the red carpet. But then he said it was unfortunate that you were only here as your CEO’s plus one and not as an invited guest, so you weren’t at a prime table since the list was finalized a while ago, and I got a bad feeling about this…”

“Rightfully so,” Irene airily commented as she adjusted her makeup in the mirror. “I would’ve appreciated more of a heads up…”

Sunmi sighed, “Sorry Joohyun, I know I put you in a tough position here—”

“—You asked Seulgi to go when you knew what kind of jerk he is,” Irene was obviously not happy by the way she was glaring at Sunmi through the mirror.

Seulgi pouted, “Unnie, it’s okay. I would have told Sunmi if I didn’t want to go there.”

 “I’m really sorry for interrupting your evening, sunbaenim” Minji said sincerely, trying to placate the tension that was building up because of her.

Irene’s scowl dropped as she turned around to face Minji, “No, it’s not you Jiu-ssi. Just dealing with that dickhead makes my skin crawl. Let’s just say we found out firsthand, years ago how reprehensible of a man he is…”

Oh. That would explain why Irene sent the youngest members away and even wouldn’t let the older members close. Minji didn’t blame Irene for the name calling. She hated the industry so much right now, for allowing such behavior to go unchecked for so many years. How many female idols have had to sit through what she just sat through? How many didn’t have a big girl group swooping in, under the instructions of an even bigger artist, to save them?

“The question is what do we do now? Do you have a car waiting to take you home Minji?” Sunmi asked.

Minji then shook her head, “I came with the CEO,” Minji maintained eye contact with Sunmi, because she would understand her predicament. “I can’t leave.”

“Minji, you haven’t been answering my texts,” Sunmi said disappointed, then quickly added before Minji could justify. “And no, one text saying ‘I’m fine unnie, don’t worry’ after you were mobbed and got hurt isn’t enough. You weren’t replying before too. I saw the clip and your interviews, and now this… things haven’t gotten better at the company, have they?”

Minji’s eyes filled with tears again as she shook her head, and Sunmi hugged her tighter.

“I wish I could take you out of here myself,” Sunmi wistfully said.

“We’re leaving anyway, we can take her with us. Just say you’re not feeling well, Jiu-ssi,” Wendy suggested.

It was yet another generous offer, but it wasn’t one Minji could take. The CEO wouldn’t accept that. “It’s complicated…”

“What’s complicated?” Irene questioned with a calculating look, “Your CEO brought you to this event but seems like he also didn’t know what he was getting you into sitting at that table. You need to tell him so this doesn’t happen again.”

Minji didn’t know how to answer that. Under normal circumstances, a few months ago, that would have been what she would do.

“It’s your CEO that’s the problem, isn’t it?” Seulgi asked, her eyebrows furrowed in concentration as if she was trying to recall something, then she looked at Sunmi. “I remember you were really angry about your collaboration with Dreamcatcher being cancelled. There might have been a bit… well, a lot of insults about their company and especially the CEO that day.”

“Seul…” Sunmi called out exasperated.

It didn’t escape Minji’s attention that Seulgi has been talking about Sunmi so informally, not even with an ‘unnie’ the entire time. And Sunmi was obviously very comfortable with the Red Velvet main dancer, first with the favor she asked about Minji and now this.

Irene who was checking her phone, put it back in her purse, and shut it with a loud snap. “Our manager is getting the car ready. You’re leaving with us.”

“I can’t… I really wish I could. I don’t want to be here but…” Minji tried.

“—It doesn’t matter. Whatever you’re worried about, I’m sure is very valid, but you would be leaving with us. Your CEO was all too happy when you left the table with me. I can push it further. Not to sound like a total diva, but no one says no to me,” Irene explained.

And Sunmi seemed to agree with Irene in how she nodded encouragingly to Minji.

Minji paused, thinking about what Irene was offering. There was no doubt about the power the Red Velvet leader possessed, especially in such a setting where small company representatives were there to make connections. It would be so easy to follow her lead. But there was a bigger concern. Someone else who was in this bathroom already tried to help before and it didn’t end well.

“I don’t want to drag you in to this mess. It’s already so complicated that Sunmi unnie and I can’t even be seen together in person anymore, which is how you got involved tonight,” Minji revealed, and the others were taken aback.

“I was wondering why you two were suddenly no longer spending time together,” Seulgi remarked with a frown and a pointed look at Sunmi.

Irene seemed to think about it for a few seconds before she started carefully, “Please don’t take this the wrong way, but we don’t know each other. I will hardly get any backlash from the one time I am with you in front of the cameras, even if it turns out you’re the absolute worst person,” then Irene amended, “which I can tell you’re not, just by the fact that you’re trying to protect me instead of taking advantage of my offer to get yourself out of this shitty situation,” Irene just said it straightforwardly and Minji appreciated that in this moment.

Sunmi added, “Minji, otherwise you would be going back to your seat at that table and that’s definitely not an option I’ll let you take.”

Irene had a lot more experience in the industry, especially at this level, and Minji had to respect that. And like Sunmi said, Minji couldn’t go back there.

“What should I do, sunbaenim?” Minji asked, letting the oldest in the room take charge.

Irene smiled gently at the acceptance. “Start by calling me unnie. We’re way past formality here.”

————————

The car ride passed by so quickly with Minji trapped in her own feelings. Sunmi stayed at the gala, but she had made Minji promise to call her later. The Red Velvet trio didn’t try to engage in too much conversation, sensing that the Dreamcatcher leader was overwhelmed by the night’s events. Irene walked her to the elevator in the parking lot and gave Minji her number, telling Minji that she was free to contact her if she wanted to talk, leader to leader since Irene understood that sometimes their position could be lonely, and Minji was grateful for the kind souls she met tonight.

When Minji entered the dorm, she found it to be lively considering that it was 11 pm. Minji could feel the excitement in the air as she was greeted by the members loudly. Bora was holding a soju bottle and filling up the member’s shot glasses.

Minji took tentative steps inside the living room, exhaustion washing over her now that she was safely home. “What’s going on?”

“Minji Minji, there’s great news!” Bora handed Minji a filled shot glass as soon as she saw her and Minji had no choice but to accept it considering the energy Bora was buzzing with.

Minji held the glass with still trembling hands.

Yoohyeon chuckled as she walked up to Minji and pecked her lips. She didn’t smell of alcohol like Minji expected from the scene she walked in on.

“Hi baby. Did I already tell you that you look beautiful tonight? Don’t mind the crazy lady. How was your evening?”

“YAH Kim Yoohyeon!” Bora threatened with the bottle in her hand. “Respect your elders.”

Yoohyeon stuck her tongue out at Bora and took the shot glass away from Minji to place it on the table.

Whatever was happening, Minji was definitely not in the right state of mind for it. Not that she didn’t love seeing them happy, but she really needed to talk to them about tonight. And maybe not just tonight. She had promised Yoohyeon and the evening’s events only solidified that she couldn’t keep doing what she was doing. And that would definitely be a buzzkill to whatever little party they were having.

“Unnie,” Siyeon’s excitement was more contained, but the smile on her face was telling enough. Minji wondered if maybe whatever news they had to share could also lift her heart a bit. “We were invited to come to Knowing Bros to promote our comeback.”

Minji startled at the news, the others laughed with her.

“Exactly my reaction!” Gahyeon cackled loudly.

Bora sighed in amazement, as she shook her head, “Wow, I would’ve never thought we would ever be on their radar.”

“This is really huge, one of the biggest Korean variety shows,” Handong clinked her glass against Bora’s offered one.

Gahyeon chimed in, “The fans are gonna love this, I can’t wait till it’s announced.”

“Hell, my mom is gonna love this, she watches this show religiously. I don’t know if I’ll be able to keep this from her till it airs,” Yoohyeon said.

They were looking at her now in anticipation, waiting for the news to sink in so that they could start celebrating with her. But Minji’s head was in overdrive.

Knowing Bros... JTBC's Knowing Bros. JTBC…  JTBC executive producer… Lee Sangwon.

No no no no no no. Minji felt lightheaded.

“How?” Minji managed to ask. It couldn’t be a coincidence, there was no way the same night she met that man and had that conversation they were suddenly getting this invite unprompted.

Dami was more reserved in her reaction, maybe in disbelief, “We are not sure, but the CEO himself sent us a message like 15 mins ago. Which is odd enough already, but I guess this is a big deal. Weren’t you two together?”

“I left early…” Minji was distracted.

There was a ringing starting in her ears as she pulled out her phone, which she hadn’t checked since they got to the event.

Two notifications from CEO Lee Joowon.

Minji’s hand shook as she unlocked the phone. The first one was the message that he had sent to the members about Dreamcatcher being invited to be on Knowing Bros and congratulating them on their hard work paying off, telling them to not stress and just be themselves and they were sure to nail this. The second one was sent to her privately.

“LSW was very impressed with you tonight even though you left early. He extended the show invitation and said he hoped to continue the conversation you two were having before then? Well done, Jiu-ssi. ”

Minji sat down as the words pulled the air from her chest.

This couldn't be happening.

The ringing in her ears was getting so loud that she couldn’t hear the members around her. She watched in slow motion as they continued chatting happily. Bora was still excitedly talking, Siyeon tucked in by her side with a dreamy smile. Handong was following whatever Bora was saying with a smirk on her face, probably waiting for her moment to make whatever savage comment she came up with about Bora’s behavior. Gahyeon was on the floor laughing and Dami was just watching her amused.

But Yoohyeon was next to her, trying to talk to her, looking very much sober and serious, her brows furrowed, and lips moved with silent words that Minji couldn’t hear.

How could Minji tell them now? The CEO informed the members this quickly on purpose, to corner Minji into agreeing, otherwise Lee Sangwon might change his mind about having Dreamcatcher on the show. He knew that the members would be ecstatic and that Minji would think twice before quashing that. Did the CEO understand what this conversation truly was?

Yoohyeon’s hands came to her face, but Minji couldn’t feel them.

Her plan with Sunmi to deter the CEO from using this strategy again failed. Sunmi was right in that there would always be men in this industry trying to prey on female idols like her, and the CEO tonight put Minji right under Lee Sangwon’s radar. But it wasn’t just tonight. Minji recognized that even though Lee Sangwon was a high-level executive, his powers would have limits because he didn’t work alone and Dreamcatcher were unfortunately still underappreciated in South Korea and wouldn’t bring in the local viewership numbers to warrant such an invite. But right now, Jiu was right under the spot light; people wanted to know more about her and by extension the group. And it was all because of the special clip. The CEO planned for something like this all along; or at least hoped for it.

And Minji was stuck again. Just when she wanted to talk to them.

Their smiles were morphing into something sinister as if mocking her own turmoil, and she had to look away.

She was feeling very sluggish.

Something was shifting in her peripheral vision and Minji noticed that Yoohyeon was trying to get her attention.

“Min—”

“—aby.”

“Ok—”

“—ji.”

Minji really tried but she couldn’t make out more than random snippets, voices filtering in and out as if someone was playing with the volume on speakers, except the speakers were her ears.

She was so damn tired.

Maybe she said it out loud, because she was being moved. But her limbs were so heavy, and her eyes were perceiving everything like she was in a tunnel, and her brain wasn’t cooperating, and her heart was tender, and her promise was stuck like a lump in her throat.

But she couldn't feel any pain and she wasn’t panicking, so that was good, right?

Yoohyeon’s face was in front of her again, but the edges of her vision were blurring around her lover’s concerned features. Why were there tears filling Yoohyeon’s eyes? Yoohyeon shouldn’t cry.

Minji’s own fingers were wiping at Yoohyeon’s face. But her action was purely mechanical. She couldn’t feel Yoohyeon.

Minji looked at her own hands, not understanding why they weren’t letting her feel the warmth of Yoohyeon’s skin. Her fingers were moving, hands opening and closing, but it was as if they weren’t her own. Her hands were then taken by Yoohyeon and placed on Yoohyeon’s own chest. Yoohyeon was trying to get her to concentrate; usually when Siyeon did this she was trying to get her to breathe. Was she not breathing?

But Yoohyeon’s heartbeat proved stronger than whatever was happening to her senses. She could feel its rhythm under her palm. Minji frowned at how strong and fast it was going, as if Yoohyeon’s heart was trying to break out of the girl’s chest to get to Minji. Yoohyeon shouldn’t so willingly put her heart in Minji’s hand like that.

Yoohyeon must have been talking to someone else, because she wasn’t looking at her and Minji watched the way Yoohyeon’s features blend together into a striking painting that only she could see. Even in abstract form, Yoohyeon was still so beautiful.

Since Yoohyeon’s heartbeat was the only thing she could feel, Minji wondered if she would also be able to hear it. The complete silence was starting to get scary even if it was peaceful.

She saw her body follow the thought, and at first it was difficult to get the position right, but beautiful, understanding Yoohyeon must have figured out what she needed because the world’s axis shifted around them and Minji’s ear was now pressed against Yoohyeon’s chest.

Oh, she could hear it too.

Like a lullaby calling out to her tired soul.

Thump thump.

Thump thump.

Thump thump.

Thump.

This was nice.

Chapter Text

Yoohyeon couldn’t stop her tears as she felt Minji completely relax, sleep no doubt taking her under. The desperate way Minji sought her heartbeat when she obviously couldn’t hear anything else weighed as heavily on her.

“Shit,” Bora as she pushed her hair back. The main dancer was a bit unsteady on her feet. “Of all the nights to have been drinking.”

“Unnie, we couldn’t have known something like this would happen,” Dami said sympathetically.

Bora turned to Yoohyeon, “You weren’t drinking, why?”

“Minji said she wanted to talk… I wanted to make sure I stayed up,” Yoohyeon said as she stroked her girlfriend’s hair.

“Talk about what?” Siyeon’s words were quiet.

“I don’t know… but… she—she said she needs help,” Yoohyeon sniffled. How did a few hours turn things upside down like this?

“Help?” Siyeon blinked. “Do you think she was gonna tell you what’s going on?”

Yoohyeon shrugged, “I don’t know. I hoped so. Or if she could at least tell me how we can support her. These two weeks have been so hard on her, we barely even saw her. And some of the things she said… I’ve been getting seriously worried. But she seemed to really want to talk this time, and she promised we would later.”

Yoohyeon won’t forget the look on Minji’s face in the car, even before Minji started talking, Yoohyeon knew that this was it. Minji seemed so relieved, a hopeful smile on her face with the declaration.

“Ugh I can’t think clearly right now,” Bora buried her face in her hands, the alcohol no doubt taking a toll on the main dancer even if everyone had grown serious when Yoohyeon started to urgently call out for Minji.

“You guys should get some sleep,” Dami suggested. The rapper hadn’t been drinking either, while Handong had to go put Gahyeon in bed because she was drunk. The alcohol hitting them hard since they haven’t been drinking in a while with the comeback preparations.

“And leave you maknaes alone? Bora scoffed.

Yoohyeon got irritated at that, “I’m not a child, I’m her girlfriend.”

Bora’s face fell, “Sorry Yoohyeona, I didn’t mean it like that. I just wish we were more helpful right now, to support you. But I can’t even see straight.”

Yoohyeon sighed, her brief anger dissolving away. Yoohyeon was feeling just at helpless right now, even without the influence of alcohol.

“Unnie, you two can help by drinking a lot of water and going to sleep,” Dami said kindly. “That way you can wake up fresh and help Minji unnie.”

The two older girls agreed to the plan.

“Siyeon unnie,” Yoohyeon interrupted before Siyeon could leave the room. “I hate to ask, but can we call your sister?”

Siyeon’s face lit up at that, “Right, why didn’t I think of that? Please do. She might still be awake or at the hospital for a shift.” Then Siyeon shifted on her feet. “I might have told her a bit of what’s going on already… after the day we were at Sunmi’s.”

Yoohyeon nodded in understanding. “What did she say?” Yoohyeon asked nervously. While her and Dami had researched a bit online, an actual doctor’s opinion would make everything all the more real.

“She didn’t want to speculate without seeing Minji unnie herself, but she said Minji should definitely see a doctor. She offered to come talk to her, but Minji unnie’s schedule has been impossible, and when I tried to bring it up with her, she was always too tired or said she had it under control,” Siyeon said regretfully.

That part Yoohyeon was more than familiar with, because every time one of them tried to talk to Minji it had been the same. Minji listening to them, genuinely thanking them for their concern, but still completely closed off. Till earlier in the car, when that almost changed.

It was then just Dami, Yoohyeon, and a sleeping Minji left in the room, as Siyeon headed with Bora to hers.

Dami, who was sitting at the foot of the bed, squeezed Yoohyeon’s leg in support.

“Dami…” Yoohyeon held in the tears, but her voice was strained.

“I know,” Dami’s response was with an empathetic wince. She was the first to Yoohyeon’s side when she noticed that her and Minji were not in the conversation, and she helped Yoohyeon move Minji to the bedroom.

“I don’t know what to do. She was fine, right? When she walked in, she seemed tired, but I don’t know how suddenly it all went—”

Yoohyeon was interrupted by Bora rushing back in.

“What’s wrong unnie?” Dami asked quickly.

Bora just pressed on the phone’s screen. “From Wendy,” Bora clarified. “I didn’t listen to all of it.” A voice message started.

“Sua-yah, something… something happened at the gala. With Jiu… Sunmi unnie asked us for help and Joohyun—Irene intervened and is handling it right now. We’re bringing Jiu home soon, but I remembered you have been worried about her and asked me for advice. I wanted to give you a heads up. Sua, you need to get her to talk about this. It seems a lot bigger than just tonight. And I’ve already seen how the shame and anger can eat away at someone close to me who was in a similar situation. I don’t want to imagine what would have happened if that person was dealing with it alone.

“Sua-yah, Seulgi overheard somethings about your company… about your CEO… and tonight Jiu wasn’t safe even though she was here with him. Sunmi unnie seems to know more. I don’t know, just… don’t trust them. Never trust the companies, only each other. I have to go now. Take care of her please and let me know if there’s anything I can do to help.”

The message left Yoohyeon with a tightened jaw, regret flooding her. She didn’t notice that something was wrong when Minji came home. There was so much excitement, Minji must have gotten so overwhelmed when they practically ambushed her as soon as she walked in.

Bora seemed to think a long the same lines because tears were quick to her eyes. “I’m such a jerk.”

“Unnie… we didn’t know,” Yoohyeon said with a sigh. What the hell could have happened that one of the biggest girl groups in the country had to step in? And why didn’t Sunmi help Minji herself since she seemed to know so much?

“I’m cancelling tomorrow’s practices. If she doesn’t tell us in the morning… we’re having that intervention,” it wasn’t the first time an intervention was brought up, but this time it wasn’t a suggestion. “I’m not letting this go, when it’s getting to the point that even other idols are worried about her, and we’re doing nothing, only watching her fade away because we’re letting her shut us out,” Bora said resolutely.

And Yoohyeon agreed. Watching Minji mentally slip away from her tonight was not something she would let go again either. She didn’t know how well Minji would react to being ambushed by all of them, but better Minji lash out at them or breakdown with them than all alone like she has been.

Bora didn’t give them a chance to refute anyway because she left the room.

Yoohyeon sighed but then her eyes fell on Dami who seemed uncharacteristically distressed now. Yoohyeon had known that there was something else the main rapper knew, and it seemed to be important now.

Yoohyeon slowly shifted Minji off her body, placing Minji’s head on the pillow instead. A whimper escaped Minji at the loss of contact and Yoohyeon stroked her hair till she settled down again. Yoohyeon placed a light kiss on Minji’s head before she turned to Dami.

“Dami, what is it?”

“I… If unnie asked you not to say something to the others, what would you do?” Dami didn’t meet Yoohyeon’s eyes. And Dami was never shy like this, so Yoohyeon knew it wasn’t a hypothetical.

“It’s Minji… and she’s our leader… I would probably do what she wants,” Yoohyeon said honestly. As much as she would’ve wanted to tell the others, and as much as she would’ve wanted to help Minji, it was hard to kick the habit of trusting Minji’s judgment blindly. The leader had never strayed them after all. And Minji has never betrayed someone’s privacy in all the years they’ve been together, so it would only be natural to follow her example. “Although I’m guessing I would probably have a bit more sway than you in trying to convince her otherwise.”

Dami seemed a bit relieved at the answer.

“Is this about how you’ve been going with her to schedules?” Yoohyeon asked slowly. It wasn’t hard to notice when one of them started to deviate from their norm, and since their special clip, Dami has been sacrificing her free time to accompany Minji. When Yoohyeon asked her about it, she was only met with a brief pained expression, and had understood that Dami couldn’t tell her; yet Dami did ask her to not leave Minji alone at the company, and Yoohyeon trusted her best friend’s judgment on that without being told why.

“Yeah.” Dami admitted. “But I couldn’t be there all the time. And tonight makes me think like I made the wrong decision.”

“As much as I hate it, I think it was ultimately Minji’s choice. I assume whatever you found out, it was accidentally?”

Dami nodded. “We kinda had an argument about it too.”

Now this was surprising to Yoohyeon. Dami and Minji were the epitome of peaceful dynamics.

“But I couldn’t stand unnie being upset with me, and now I don’t know if maybe I just agreed with what she wanted because of that, when I should’ve put her wellbeing first. And I watched her suffer for the last two weeks instead of helping her by telling you guys.”

Yoohyeon rubbed her temples. Everyone, including herself, were blaming themselves for not being able to help Minji. But Minji didn’t ask for help, if anything she outright refused it; they couldn’t force her. This was why Yoohyeon had been ecstatic when Minji had said the words, and she prayed that they weren’t back to square one now.

“You didn’t do nothing Dami, you tried to help in the way you could. In the way she would let you,” Yoohyeon’s words were for herself as well. She couldn’t start doubting herself, cutting the thought of ‘she wasn’t being good enough’ at its root. She needed to stay strong for Minji.

Yoohyeon petted Dami’s shoulder who gave a small grateful smile.

“Yooh, the company…”

“I know... Even before Wendy’s message,” Yoohyeon continued for her. “Minji is obviously having a problem with them. Her meetings with the CEO are triggering her and I think we’ve all been annoyed anyway since that meeting with him about the song with Sunmi getting cancelled. The confirmation from Wendy really means we can’t rely on the company to help Minji. I trust Tae oppa and some of the other staff, but we need to tighten our circle.”

Dami nodded. “Do you know that she didn’t want to do that special clip?”

Yoohyeon paused. “I know she had trouble with the song? But it’s just a special clip, so I wasn’t sure why she would be so stressed about it. Then it blew up much more than I would’ve ever expected and everything that came with it... I figured she wasn’t happy with all this attention on her looks from the public.”

“But I’m talking about before the recording even. She was uncomfortable. With the song, the concept, the styling. I think the company made her do it.”

Yoohyeon froze. “What do you mean you think they made her do it?”

“I am just guessing from what I saw. She had no opinion in the process, didn’t even know that I was going to be in the song. And after, well we all saw how she didn’t even want to check the fans comments about it. The couple of the shoots I went to with her… she was upset after because of how much she hated the direction,” Dami continued. “She looked amazing, but she hated all of it.”

Yoohyeon was putting what Dami was saying with what she knew, and the result was ugly. “She doesn’t want to do all these promotions.” Yoohyeon’s shoulders dropped. Minji has been doing something she didn’t want for the last couple of weeks?

Dami nodded. “What I can’t figure out is why she is not saying no.”

Yoohyeon frowned as the gears that were connecting started spinning. “Wait, could this be about the Sunmi collaboration again? The company gave her the special clip after Siyeon unnie spoke to the CEO even though we saw how pissed off he was…”

Dami’s eyes widened. “So, he first punishes Minji unnie by taking away her special clip because she chose you to sing in the collaboration, then the song is cancelled, and even though Siyeon unnie talks to him, he punishes Minji unnie again by giving her a clip she doesn’t want?”

“She believed him the first time and just took the punishment. And we saw how much she blamed herself for the song being cancelled, so I’m betting she didn’t object to this new clip because she’s convinced she fucked up this really big opportunity for us… for me,” Yoohyeon shook her head as she finished and looked back at Minji with a frown.

She had tried to convince Minji that it wasn’t a big deal, and that Yoohyeon wasn’t that upset about the song being cancelled, but it seemed Minji didn’t really believe her. Minji didn’t believe that she was much more important to Yoohyeon than a collaboration, even if it was with her role model.

“If she would just talk to us…” Dami groaned. “What is up with her? She didn’t used to be like this.”

Yoohyeon sighed, “Something is really fucking with her head because none of her behavior makes sense. And it just keeps getting worse,” Yoohyeon turned to Dami, taking a breath to think if she should tell before speaking. “Last week she said something weird; when she had that bruise on her face, she wasn’t upset; actually she almost seemed relieved about it. She’s thinks people only care about her because of how she looks.”

“Yooh,” Dami paused to glance at Minji. “This is really getting out of hand. We’re trying not to leave her alone at the company or schedules, and now I’m thinking we shouldn’t be leaving her alone period.”

Yoohyeon nodded. Yoohyeon has been starting to get anxious whenever Minji was out of their sight, and tonight just hammered on that.

“That’s why I want to talk to Siyeon unnie’s sister. I know she can’t treat Minji directly but maybe she can point us in the right direction, recommend one of her colleagues that she trusts. I’m gonna call her and see what she thinks, maybe even she could come here tomorrow but I would have to talk to Minji about it first,” Yoohyeon said.

“What if she doesn’t want to talk to Miyeon unnie?” Dami asked worriedly.

Yoohyeon shook her head, complete resolve in her words, “I’ll convince her. She asked for help, and I’m getting her help.”

———————————

Flashback

Minji could feel her heart racing as Yoohyeon's face was buried in her neck, Yoohyeon’s arm wrapped around her waist, as close as they could be with Yoohyeon standing between Minji’s legs, where the eldest was sitting at a stool by the bar. The music was loud, the alcohol was aplenty, and the sweaty bodies pumping to the rhythm were a bit far away from them now that they weren’t on the dance floor. When the members had all decided to take this opportunity of having the next few days off at this tour stop to go out and drink, this wasn’t what Minji had expected.

But it felt inevitable, the tension between her and Yoohyeon had been building up steadily since they left Korea, something about the freedom of being abroad that also let their bottled-up emotions loose. Minji had loved Yoohyeon for so long, no wonder her restraint was finally breaking, especially when she knew it was all reciprocated. Of course Minji knew about Yoohyeon's feelings for her, she would have had to be completely blind to not notice the way the lead vocalist looked at her as if she was made of the most precious thing on this earth. And Minji hoped that her own feelings were as obvious to the younger girl because Minji never wanted Yoohyeon to feel alone in her feelings or even for a second think that the person she loved did not love her back ten times over.

But there was a barrier always stopping both from acting on these reciprocated desires. And this barrier changed skin so often; sometimes it was the country they lived in, sometimes it was their jobs, sometimes it was their company, sometimes it was their group, sometimes it was their families, and sometimes it was even themselves.

But today that barrier was paper thin, and whether it was because of the Mediterranean air, the red wine, the post-concert euphoria, or all of it combined, Yoohyeon's lips found their home on Minji’s neck with a soft peck. It was as if Yoohyeon was testing the waters because her lips started moving higher on the right side of Minji’s face, a kiss on the underside of Minji’s jaw, another on her chin, another on her cheek, another on her temple, another on her forehead. Minji’s body felt like it was being set on fire with every touch from Yoohyeon’s lips, which now did a turn and went down the left side of Minji’s face till she reached her cheek. Then Yoohyeon’s lips moved inwards, little peck by peck approaching her lips. Yoohyeon then rested the side of her head against Minji’s when the last kiss grazed the edge of Minji’s lips.

And Minji understood the pause. Everything till now could just be chalked off as some form of intimacy between them, a way that Yoohyeon chose to express her love and gratefulness for her friend and team member. Unusual maybe, but Yoohyeon was naturally clingy and a bit tipsy anyway. Yoohyeon was giving Minji a way out. But Minji didn’t want it.

She turned her head, leaving Yoohyeon’s lips hovering over her own. Warm breaths flowed in between them as the loud music got further and further as they got caught in the invisible interweaving red strings between them. Minji tightened her own hold on the younger girl and Yoohyeon did the same. As if they were both holding each other in support as they made a decision that would change their lives forever.

Then completely in sync, hearts and bodies moved at the same time, and their lips finally met. All the thoughts, worries, and trepidation evaporated from Minji’s mind as Yoohyeon’s lips moved against her own, and Minji felt her heart rate slow down with each second that she was connected to Yoohyeon. It was like coming home after a long journey.

They eventually melted off each other breathless and with wide smiles, Yoohyeon's  eyes were tear-filled but Minji knew they were happy ones that mirrored her own. The music filtered in again now that their physical proximity was reduced and they both looked around as if just remembering that they were in a public place. But no one was paying them any attention. In this place, they were just two random girls kissing, and it wasn’t a cause for concern or interest to anyone.

They looked back at each other with this realization, and Minji brushed some hairs out of Yoohyeon’s face so she could see her eyes properly. Now that the barrier was down, Minji wanted to do so much more. Starting with telling Yoohyeon how much she loved her.

“Do you wanna get out of here?” Minji knew it sounded entirely too eager, and could be taken the wrong way, but she didn’t need to worry with Yoohyeon.

The lead vocalist smiled brightly as she nodded, then quickly left another kiss on Minji's  lips, making the leader chuckle warmly.

“We have the rest of our lives for this, Hyeon,” the nickname came naturally but the sentence might have been too presumptuous or overwhelming, and a sliver of regret was sneaking into Minji’s brain at the implication behind the words she just said before they had even gotten a chance to properly talk.

But Yoohyeon only smiled brighter, all reassurance and mutual understanding, and kissed her again. “Yeah but doesn’t mean I wanna waste a single moment of it.”

The ridiculous wink Yoohyeon tried to send her made Minji let out a care-free laugh, her heart feeling so light with joy, and Yoohyeon tugged at her hand to lead them outside; both of them so eager to confess their feelings that Minji was making a bet in her mind about who would get to do it first.

Yoohyeon was too busy staring at her as if trying to map her features for the first time, but Minji had carved every slope, curve, crinkle, dimple, perfection and imperfection of Yoohyeon’s face on the back of her own eyelids, so Minji was the one to say it first. Then a second later, Yoohyeon with an “I love you too.”

But it didn't matter who was first when their hearts beat as one when their lips united again.

End of Flashback

——————————————

Minji woke up with silent tears running down her face from the dream. It was like her brain wanted to remind her of that memory just to torture her about how the best thing that has happened in her life had inadvertently led her to the shitty situation that she was in today.

What would have happened if she had turned away from Yoohyeon that night? Her heart rebelled against the thought, bringing more tears into her eyes.

An arm tightened around her waist, and Minji became aware that Yoohyeon was in bed with her, spooning her. Minji turned slowly and saw that the lead vocalist was asleep, and she smiled sadly about how even while unconscious, Yoohyeon must have felt that Minji was hurting.

But then Minji realized she was still in the dress from the gala, and everything came crashing back.

Minji slowly unwrapped Yoohyeon’s arm, and gingerly sat up, feet touching the cold floor. Her movements were slow as if her muscles were weighed, and her head was throbbing with a headache. The alarm clock glared 3:07 in the dark and Minji buried her face in her hands. She wanted to change but she was so tired. She covered her mouth trying to stifle the sobs that were threatening to wreck her body. Why was everything so difficult?

“Minji?” Yoohyeon’s raspy voice called out, making Minji freeze.

Yoohyeon moved behind her and a hand settled on her back. “Baby?”

“Yeah?” Minji wiped her face with the back of her hand, hoping to erase any evidence of tears. She didn’t mean to wake Yoohyeon up, but Yoohyeon has been a light sleeper like that ever since Minji started getting nightmares. Yet another way she was making Yoohyeon’s life more difficult.

Yoohyeon flicked the bedside lamp on, settled next to her and brushed Minji’s hair out of the side of her face, but Minji didn’t turn to look at her.

“Can you hear me okay?” Yoohyeon asked tentatively, a hint of fear in her voice.

Minji shut her eyes tightly at the reminder of the events from a few hours ago. The time at Sunmi she didn’t remember and was only told by a concerned Yoohyeon later, but this time she remembered. All the recent times when she felt disconnected from herself as cameras flashed around and instructions for poses were thrown at her, she remembered.

“Yeah, Hyeon. I’m okay now,” Minji said not wanting to worry Yoohyeon any more than she already did.

“I’m happy to hear your voice,” Yoohyeon rested her head against the side of Minji’s, the relief evident in her sigh. “What are you doing up, baby?”

Minji’s eyes fell on the black fabric on her body, and she was reminded of the task she wanted to do.

Yoohyeon seemed to understand. “I didn’t want to interrupt your sleep since you were so tired. Let’s get you into something more comfortable, okay?” Yoohyeon said, pointing at a pair of sweats and a shirt that were already on the chair.

Minji nodded, but her body still protested as she stood up.

Yoohyeon carefully unzipped the back of the dress, letting it fall off Minji’s torso as she helped her take off her bra and put on the t-shirt. But when Yoohyeon moved her hands to Minji’s hips to slide the dress off, Minji stopped her.

“I—I can do it myself,” Minji’s voice came out shaky, and Yoohyeon frowned.

No wanting to make Minji uncomfortable, Yoohyeon occupied herself with picking up things around the room as Minji changed.

Minji let the dress fall to the ground, and quickly put on the sweatpants, purposefully avoiding looking at her own legs. She could feel it whether she saw it or not.

She didn’t even bother picking up the dress and sat back down on the bed, the simple action having taken too much energy.

Yoohyeon eventually turned around and picked up the dress without saying a word and hung it on the outside of the closet door. The stylists would probably appreciate that, even though they would still get upset that she slept in the dress. But Minji didn’t care, if anything she would be happy to burn it.

Yoohyeon then came to her with some make up remover wipes. “May I?”

Minji nodded, and Yoohyeon started on removing the by now ruined makeup. As Yoohyeon gently wiped her face, Minji’s eyes were still stuck on the dress.

“Minji, stay with me please,” Yoohyeon said, drawing her attention back to Yoohyeon.

“Sorry… I’m really tired.” It wasn’t a lie.

“I know baby,” Yoohyeon said, the comfort was rolling of her in how soft her touches were. “Let me just finish up and we can go back to sleep.” Then Yoohyeon paused and added, “Unless you wanna talk…”

A chill ran through Minji’s body at the words, her next breath shallower.

She promised Yoohyeon.

The dress hung there taunting her.

“Hey, what is it?” Yoohyeon questioned right away, hand on Minji’s face pulling her attention to Yoohyeon’s concerned one.

“I don’t think I can talk right now,” Minji’s voice trembled. She promised Yoohyeon.

“Okay, we can talk later. Let’s just go back to sleep now it’s 3 in the morning,” Yoohyeon pushed Minji’s hair out of her face, eyes full of only love on her.

She promised Yoohyeon.

“I promised you…”

“I know, and I want to talk, believe me. But you look like you could use a couple of more hours of sleep after what happened last night.”

Last night.

“I—” Minji’s body was trembling and Yoohyeon wrapped her arms around the leader from the side, letting Minji rest against her.

“You don’t have to be scared, I got you,” Yoohyeon’s voice was low, making Minji strain to hear her. Forcing Minji to focus. “I was with you the whole time.”

Yoohyeon was talking about after she came back to the dorm, but Minji’s mind was on the before, the after, the last weeks, and the upcoming ones all at once.

The tears fell. Her mind was too scattered. Her thoughts getting overwhelming.

“Hyeon?” There was so much sadness in one syllable.

“Yeah, baby?”

“I—My head hurts. Not—Not just physically, but I feel like I’m stuck. In a fight. All the time. I have to stop myself from thinking, otherwise I can’t breathe. Stop thinking—Stop thinking… I’m constantly saying it to myself,” Minji punctuated her point with tapping her head repeatedly with her fist.

Yoohyeon grabbed Minji’s hand, a simple kiss on the back of her hand made Minji’s fingers unfurl.

“What are you trying not to think about?”

The question threatened to make Minji clamp up. But sitting there surrounded by Yoohyeon, with the taller girl’s arms around her, hands holding her hand, breath steady on the side of her face, Minji felt so safe, so minuscule next to Yoohyeon’s love.

“E-Everything. Dreamcatcher. The c-company. The members. My family. Us…”

Yoohyeon hummed, “Tell me.”

“I’m fucking everything up. I’m not doing good. Not as the leader. Not-not as your g-girlfriend,” Minji hated that she stumbled on the word.

“I can’t say I agree,” Yoohyeon said resolutely. “But why do you think that?”

“I can’t even say the words ‘girlfriend’ Hyeon. When was the last time we made love—”

Yoohyeon quickly interjected, “—I don’t care about that.”

“How could you not? It’s part of our relationship, our physical connection, and I’m not giving you what you need.” It was one of the many ways she was failing Yoohyeon these days.

Yoohyeon seemed to be confused at the turn in conversation but answered anyway, “It’s only a part of our physical connection Minji. We hold each other, fall asleep in each other’s arms every night, we hug, we kiss, we hold hands… there’s so many forms of physical intimacy,” Yoohyeon held her hand then. “Don’t get me wrong, I love having sex with you, you make me feel like no one else ever has because of how much love and care you put in each touch, even when you’re being an absolute menace and teasing me just to see me blush. I always know that my heart and body are safe with you. But if you’re not in the mood, then I’m not in the mood, simple as that. It’s just one aspect of our relationship, and if it needs to take a back seat for now or for a while, that’s okay with me.”

“I turned you down a couple of times when you tried to start something. You did want it… want me at these times but I didn’t...” Minji said ashamed.

Having seen the frown on Yoohyeon’s face when Minji stopped her from helping her change earlier reminded her that there have been a few recent times she stopped Yoohyeon’s wandering hands or ignored the cues when she knew Yoohyeon was turned on or cut a kiss that was getting into deeper territories short. And those times Minji regretted, wishing she could have just rolled with it to express her love to Yoohyeon, but she couldn’t bring herself to pretend when it came to something like that. Like the day the special clip was released, Yoohyeon had been devouring Minji with her eyes till they finally moved to the bedroom, but Minji had gotten overwhelmed by the voices in her head telling her that looking good was all she was good for and that was why Yoohyeon was with her, and she had to stop Yoohyeon before her breathless pants fully turned into panicked ones; kind and ever-understanding Yoohyeon who had immediately stopped the descending trail of kisses on Minji’s body, and let her own desires fade away for Minji’s sake.

Yoohyeon interlaced their fingers, “I would rather you turn me down than just go with it for my sake when you weren’t into it. I’m not gonna take it personally when you express your needs baby, even if it is that you would prefer to just cuddle and sleep. I’m happy with you in my arms either way.”

“I am not showing you how much I love you.” Physical touch was important for Yoohyeon, it was how she expressed love, and yet Minji was denying her that. All she was doing was be a burden to Yoohyeon, and making the younger girl take care of her.

“But I don’t need sex or the word girlfriend to know how much you love me Minji. I’m not gonna start doubting your love because of such a thing when you show me every day how much you care,” Yoohyeon’s smile was soft, her touch gentle, and Minji’s heart was splintering from the pressure. Because Yoohyeon should be with someone who would shout it to the world that she was theirs and they were hers.

“You shouldn’t have to look for my love,” the tears were back.

“I don’t have to look for it when it’s everywhere around me. Look at your room alone Minji,” Yoohyeon said, with a hand on Minji’s chin to guide her, while the other hand pointed. “My sweatshirt, which you stole by the way, on your chair. That ugly bunny painting I made on your dresser—no don’t argue that thing is ugly and Siyeon hit me over the head because it looks creepy and you insist on keep it in the room because it’s from me. You changed the poster on your closet door from your favorite, ‘Fly High’, to the ‘You & I’ poster because you know that’s when I started being confident about how I look.

“My spare earphones on your side table because you know that I sometimes can’t sleep when it’s too quiet and you don’t want me to get up from next to you in the middle of the night. Photos of me—of us on your bed so it’s the first and last thing you see every day. That bracelet you never take off because I got it for you as gift when we were in Japan years ago thinking it said your name but it literally says fudge, and you wear it anyway because I was sad when I found out from the fans that I got you the wrong thing,” Yoohyeon smiled softly, “Why do I need to wonder about your feelings when you’re literally surrounding yourself by me?”

“When you say it like that, I seem obsessed,” Minji tried to joke. She wasn’t conscious of how much she surrounded herself with Yoohyeon.

“Maybe, but that’s okay because I’m obsessed with you too,” Yoohyeon humored her before growing serious again. “I don’t need anything else right now to know that you love me,” the resolve in Yoohyeon’s voice tugged at Minji’s heart. What did she do to deserve such a generous person in her life? “I told you I would always try to understand what you have trouble expressing baby.”

Minji hated herself. Yoohyeon was saying such beautiful words, being more understanding than anyone should be, and Minji was realizing how little she was giving back. Because she was trying to protect her. Because she didn’t deserve her. Because she loved her so so much. Because she was wasting Yoohyeon’s time and love.

Minji closed her eyes trying to get away from the conflicting thoughts.

Minji didn't know if she could keep doing this.

It was like a bucket of ice was dunked on her head.

The tiredness has set somewhere deep in her bones where no amount of rest could reach. Any resolve Minji had started with was long gone by now. Exposed relationship. CEO. Yoohyeon. Yoohyeon. Yoohyeon.  Punishment. Sunmi. Cancelled Song. Visual. Viral. Jiu. Jiu. Jiu. Lee Sangwon. Knowing Bros. Her members. Her members. Her members. She dug herself into a hole so deep where the light couldn’t reach her anymore.

Even Yoohyeon’s comforting words right now were only making her feel more alone because it all felt like a lie when Yoohyeon didn’t know any of the truth. Would Yoohyeon even still feel the same way about her if she knew the person Minji has become? The lies Minji has told? How weak she has become? Minji was nothing but a shell of the person Yoohyeon fell in love with. Beautiful maybe, yet completely empty.

She did her best to hang on, but her hands have become so bloody with her mistakes that it was all slipping through her grip.

Would Yoohyeon forgive her if she knew Minji couldn't  keep her promise after all?

A silent sob shook Minji’s chest as it finally became clear to her.

Minji couldn't  keep doing this.

Yoohyeon’s hands came to her face again, “Baby, come back to me,” snapping Minji out of the inner battle. “Of all your worries, you never need to worry about our relationship Minji. I’m always gonna be here.”

“That’s what I’m scared of,” Minji words were strained, making Yoohyeon tilt her head, confusion written all over her beautiful girlfriend’s face. “That you’re always here, but I’m not…”

“What do you mean? I just told you—”

“Love isn’t always enough… Maybe in the start it seems like it, but relationships take work, take effort…” Minji felt her chest shake as she stifled a sob. She couldn’t do this anymore.

“What are you saying?” Yoohyeon’s words were almost whispered.

“I—I don’t know if I can.” Minji hated herself. Hated herself. Hated herself.

Yoohyeon pulled away from Minji so she could look at her better and Minji wished that she wouldn’t.

“I don’t understand what you’re saying baby,” Yoohyeon was still confused but it seemed like she was registering that something terrible was happening in how her hands tightened around Minji’s.

“I can’t do this Hyeon,” the declaration was pulled out of her with barbed edges, scratching at her insides from her core to the tip of her tongue. Probably the first time she has been honest in a while and by God did it hurt. “I love you. I love you. I love you—” selfish words said as a balm on the wound she was inflicting.

“Hey, hey Minji, easy, okay? Just breathe baby,” Yoohyeon was alarmed but the tears filling her eyes were all Minji could see.

“I don’t want to breathe. I don’t want to do this,” Minji was spiraling, words tumbling out of her mouth faster than she could think. The part of her that was seeking freedom was winning the battle against her battered heart. “I love you.” Minji shook her head erratically, “Please— I can’t. Love you. I need to! I—” She felt like she was gonna throw up. Her heart clenched in a desperate attempt to stop her, making her gasp. “Please don’t hate me. I can’t take it— I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I can’t. I love—”

“MINJI!” Yoohyeon’s voice boomed in the room, making the jumble of words freeze on Minji’s tongue, only the tears still flowed, unstoppable, a waterfall of agony.

“Sorry,” Yoohyeon softly apologized for starling Minji, “You need to stay c-calm please. Please just breathe…” Yoohyeon’s words were pained and seeing the tears leaving her eyes felt like claws were scraping against Minji’s chest. “I don’t… I don’t understand,” Yoohyeon pulled Minji’s hand so that she was holding them close to her chest. “I hear you, but I don’t understand…”

The same move that calmed Minji hours ago was now a suffocating weight that she needed to get away from. A shrill screaming started in Minji’s head; the sound of her heart breaking as it took the final blow and lost the fight it had put up for so long.

Minji’s voice was devoid of all life when she cut the cord, “I can’t do this anymore.”

“Can’t do this… as in us?”

Minji didn’t say anything.

She pulled her hand away from Yoohyeon’s grasp and the cold started spreading from her fingertips that last touched Yoohyeon, to her hands that had grasped Yoohyeon’s, to her arms that had held Yoohyeon, to her chest that had breathed in Yoohyeon, to each and every single molecule of her body that loved Yoohyeon.

The pained gasp that left Yoohyeon mixed in with the screaming in Minji’s head.

“B-baby, please. Please—just wait,” Yoohyeon tried to reach out to Minji, but Minji’s body was already moving on its own accord. Away from Yoohyeon. Away from her love.

She didn’t look at Yoohyeon. Didn’t hear if Yoohyeon was calling out to her. Didn’t feel anything as she dragged the shattered pieces of herself outside.

A hand stopped hers from grasping the car keys. Cold. Not Yoohyeon.

“Unnie… I’ll take you… if you need to go somewhere I’ll drive you,” Minji tried to pull away, but Siyeon’s grip was strong and Minji’s body protested with a forceful flick of her wrist to loosen the hold. “Please… You can’t drive like this. I can’t let you go like this. I won’t say anything, pretend I’m not there, but you can’t—”

A light bulb shined for a second in the darkness encasing Minji, showing her Siyeon’s fear. A fight. Bora’s car accident. Minji dropped her reach for the keys and saw Siyeon breathe in relief before the darkness descended on her again.

She let her go.

———————————————

Siyeon’s hand might have been steady on the steering wheel but everything inside her shook. Minji hasn’t said a word, just sat in the passenger seat seemingly lifeless, silent tears steadily falling. 

Siyeon didn’t know what happened. She and Bora had been on the couch in the living room, having taken the younger members advice to sleep but wanting to be close by in case Minji needed help, when Dami woke them up saying it seemed Minji was awake.

When the bedroom door eventually opened, Siyeon frowned at how Minji walked out of the room, hair masking her face, movements robotic, but it was Yoohyeon’s crying out for Minji that startled them into action. Bora was quick, catching Yoohyeon as she stumbled out of Minji and Siyeon’s room, and Siyeon darted to Minji, grasping her hand as she reached for the car keys. One quick look at Yoohyeon let Siyeon know that something was really wrong.

Siyeon thought that Minji would ignore her in how she strongly she pulled her arm away from Siyeon, but even in her state, Minji registered Siyeon’s worry. Siyeon could’ve cried out in relief as the images of Bora in a hospital, after driving off angrily when she and Siyeon had a fight, left her mind as Minji dropped her hand.

Minji didn’t give her instructions on where to go, but Siyeon knew the spot in an old park by the Han River that Minji liked to frequent when she had something on her mind and headed there. Siyeon itched to touch the leader, to provide her any sort of comfort, but Minji seemed like one touch could break her completely. All sort of scenarios played out in Siyeon’s mind. Maybe Yoohyeon pushed too much and Minji got angry? Maybe Yoohyeon lost her patience? Maybe they had a fight?

As soon as the car rolled to a stop, Minji was staggering out of it, making Siyeon quickly rush to follow the leader, who Siyeon just realized wasn’t wearing a jacket or even shoes; something she neglected to see in the rush to follow Minji, after first assuring Dami that she was sober and awake to drive, and taking her cell phone from Dami’s outstretched hand. Siyeon cursed in her head, eyes quickly roaming over the ground ahead of Minji for any obvious sharp objects.

Minji steps were gradually slowing down even though she wasn’t near the riverbank, the leader looking like she was carrying a weight that kept getting heavier and heavier, till she collapsed to her knees. There was a moment of quiet after, with only Siyeon’s own slow approaching footsteps echoing.

Then a scream pierced the silent night.

Siyeon felt like she was punched in the gut at the raw sound Minji suddenly let out, the rattle in her voice almost freezing the main vocalist to her spot.

The screams followed each other with barely a gap, Minji howling into the night as she slammed her fist repeatedly against her chest above her heart. Siyeon had to rush and grab her hand before Minji ended up hurting herself. She prayed no one was around the park at this time, otherwise she had no idea how she would explain this to the police that would definitely be called.

“Unnie! Minji—” Siyeon couldn’t get through to her and couldn’t use her hands to cover her own ears, to drown out the wails when they were holding Minji’s.

But the pace Minji had gone at was unsustainable even for a trained vocalist. Soon enough, Minji’s voice cracked, and her mouth was open around silent screams that quickly turned into sobs.

Siyeon hugged Minji to her chest, but it had no effect as the leader’s body shook with each gasp, Siyeon feeling Minji crumbling right in her arms.

Siyeon could only continue to hold the leader.

“Unnie, please… you gotta calm down,” Siyeon said after Minji’s body lurched forward, dry heaving after at least 10 minutes of heart wrenching weeping.

Siyeon pulled Minji away, dragging her to the car for warmth. Minji was shivering from head to toe, and Siyeon quickly took off her own jacket to wrap around the leader, making sure to blast the heating on high. The silence was eerie after the vocalized pain, and Siyeon felt overwhelmed by the whiplash, not knowing if she was doing the right things for Minji.

“Unnie, are you okay? Do I need to call for help?” Phone already in her hand, Siyeon’s thumb hovered over the names in her emergency contact list, uncertain between Bora, her sister, and their manager Tae. With what happened hours ago and now this, Siyeon wasn’t sure what type of help Minji needed, just that it was urgent.

Minji finally shook her head, and Siyeon was relieved that at least she responded.

“What can I do for you unnie?” Siyeon asked for any hint. Seeing Minji in so much pain was scaring the shit out of her.

“Can you make it stop?” Minji begged, and Siyeon didn’t have to ask what, when Minji’s hands were starting to claw at her chest. “Please, make it stop. I can’t take it. I can’t do this. Why did I do this?”

Siyeon’s eyes filled with tears and asked the question with dread, “What did you do unnie?”

“I let her go.” At that, Minji’s wails restarted, “I let her go. I let her go...”

Siyeon couldn’t stand it anymore, pulling the leader back into her arms.

But Minji was inconsolable. “Make it stop, it hurts too much. I don’t want to feel this. I don’t want to feel anything anymore. Please. Please…”

———————————————

When Yoohyeon heard the front door of the apartment open, she immediately jumped up from Bora’s comforting hold and rushed to the door.

“Minji?” Yoohyeon’s voice was hoarse, her eyes puffy, her heart aching, but all that mattered was that Minji was back.

Yoohyeon had felt like someone sucked her soul when Minji didn’t hear her begging to stay and just walked away from her. Her worry for Minji has been competing against her own heartbreak. Minji was not okay.

Yoohyeon looked past Siyeon as the main vocalist took off her shoes, but she didn’t find who her heart was looking for.

“Where—Where’s Minji?” Yoohyeon’s voice shook.

“She’s not coming back tonight, Yoohyeona,” Siyeon said defeated, eyes not meeting hers.

Yoohyeon’s eyes quickly fill with tears at the answer.

“Where is she? Is she alone? Unnie, she shouldn’t be alone! Was she okay? She didn’t—”

Dami came to her lower back, interrupting her myriad of questions. Yoohyeon’s face crunched up, her tears flowing down her face.

“She’s not alone. I wouldn’t leave her like that. But she… she didn’t want me there,” Siyeon guided Yoohyeon back into the living room, finding the rest of the members in the living room as well, all obviously worried by Minji’s absence, judging by the puzzled look they gave her. “She told me to leave.”

“Was she ok-ay?” Yoohyeon sniffled.

Siyeon didn’t answer right away and Yoohyeon prayed that the main vocalist wouldn’t lie or sugar-coat the truth. Even though the others assured her it was okay to be hurt or angry, Yoohyeon could only feel scared for Minji. The way Minji’s words were jumbled, how her eyes were shifting from being present to being somewhere far away, how she said she loved Yoohyeon as if she was stabbing her own heart. It was all playing on repeat in Yoohyeon’s head.

Siyeon finally sighed and shook her head. “She was devastated… But she wouldn’t talk to me. She only said that you two—that she…” Siyeon trailed off, not wanting to say the words.

“That she what?” Yoohyeon’s voice was watery. “I don’t know what happened. It was all so quick—she didn’t let me say anything. She kept saying she loves me,” a sob escaped Yoohyeon, and Handong got up from her seat, not able to silently watch Yoohyeon break down, and hugged Yoohyeon from the side. “She loves me but can’t do this anymore… but she loves me.”

Siyeon’s eyes shone with tears as well, as she replied. “She really didn’t say anything about what happened, Yoohyeona.”

Siyeon reached for Bora’s hand for support.

“But she said that we… that we—” Yoohyeon couldn’t bring herself to say it, had to dig it out and hold it bloody in her hand. Her heart. “That we bro-ke up?”

Siyeon pulled the band-aid right off, and nodded, “That she broke things off with you.” That she can’t do this anymore.

It was as if the words were a physical punch because Yoohyeon was folding over, only held up by Dami and Handong quickly supporting her weight, sobs echoing from her inside all of their chests.

“Where is she? I need to talk to her. Please unnie—I need to talk to her, she doesn’t need to do this,” Yoohyeon begged, even when she couldn’t stand anymore and was moved to sit on the couch. “She was feeling guilty that she wasn’t good enough—but she is. God she is more than enough. She is my everything. Please, I need to tell her this. I tried, but maybe I didn’t do a good enough job.” Yoohyeon said in a jumble of words and tears.

Yoohyeon looked up at Siyeon desperately, “I’ll do better unnie, I’ll say it louder, I’ll swear it by everything in my life. She’s not doing well. You didn’t hear how she was like… It’s not just our relationship. She needs help… I’ll do better! Please unnie, please just let me talk to her. I don’t understand… Please…”

Please.

Chapter Text

It seemed like her body might be willing to spare her from enduring a panic attack or whatever sensory confusion by knocking her out, but it drew the line at sparing her from heartache because Minji couldn’t sleep. Her arms wrapped around her own body gave her no comfort and she was still somehow finding more tears to shed despite the layers of dried ones on her face sedimenting a story of loss.

Sunmi was kind enough to offer her a drink when she saw how Minji was just lying there, unable to stop crying. A couple of glasses of whiskey finally did the trick. But they couldn’t help when her subconscious only dredged up images upon images of Yoohyeon’s face, her beautiful, bright smile dimming through out the course of their relationship till a blank slate remained for Minji to etch her goodbye on. Over and over again, she watched as she trampled on both of their hearts with one sentence. She couldn’t do this anymore.

A sob tore through her body like agony.

A hand came to her hair, and Minji remembered that Sunmi had grabbed a chair and placed it next to the bed to stay close to Minji.

“Minji…” Sunmi’s voice was soft. “You need to eat something, sweetheart.”

Minji would’ve scoffed if she had the energy. She was full with the Yoohyeon shaped holes cut out in every part of her.

“It’s been almost two days and you haven’t had anything other than alcohol and only some water. I promise you will feel a bit better if you get some warm food in your stomach.”

Two days? Maybe her head did spare her after all.

It would explain why her muscles were so sore if she hasn’t been moving, and how her phone had made an appearance next to her even though the last time she remembered having it was when she read those texts from the CEO back at the dorm.

Minji squeezed her eyes shut at the thought. She didn’t want to remember anything.

“Siyeon is here by the way,” Sunmi said. “She spent last night on the couch outside.”

Definitely a reminder.

“I don’t want to see anyone,” Minji’s voice was only a whisper, speaking was too painful with how raw her throat felt. She didn’t know what she said to get her roommate to leave her here in the first place. Even if Siyeon wasn’t the one who her heart was missing, the six of them were woven together within her soul, and it was impossible to look at one without thinking of the other.

“I know, and that’s why she’s not in here, but I’m not kicking her out for being worried about you.”

It was Sunmi’s house, and considering it was literally the only place Minji had to turn to after Siyeon refused to take her to a hotel, she couldn’t say anything. She didn’t have any energy to object anyway.

A sting on the back of her hand pulled Minji into consciousness.

“Minji-yah, don’t move your hand please,” a voice instructed her and Minji had trouble placing it till her eyes fell on familiar features. Siyeon’s sister. “You’re really dehydrated so I’m just giving you an IV with some fluids, okay?”

Miyeon’s presence was comforting, this was the woman who even as a child saved Siyeon’s life and after Minx fell apart Miyeon had worked with Minji to make sure that Siyeon did not drown under all the thoughts of inadequacy and unrestrained anger that plagued her; so she exuded the same sense of safety Minji usually found in Siyeon. Just without the immediate heartache.

“Did Siyeon call you?” Minji’s voice was low and gruff, and it drew Miyeon’s attention.

“Sunmi-ssi actually,” Miyeon replied as she finished taping the catheter to her hand. “I know you guys are idols but that’s the craziest thing that has ever happened to me.”

Why did she call her?

“Singnie is not here right now, said she has something she had to attend but she’ll be back after,” Miyeon explained. “But Sunmi was really worried about your voice, so I’m here for a to check to see if it’s anything serious.”

Was Minji missing a schedule? She hasn’t thought about Dreamcatcher since that night.

“Minji-yah… Yoohyeon—”

“—Is she okay?” Minji sat up immediately, ignoring the wave of dizziness from the sudden movement.

“Hey hey, easy Minji,” Miyeon’s hands steadied her.

“Yoo-hyeon?” The name was broken on her lips and mind, hurting her with its sharp edges but she held on tighter.

“I’m sure she’s okay, don’t worry!” Miyeon quickly assured. “I was just gonna say that Yoohyeona called me 2 nights ago. I was already gonna come see you…”

Oh.

Two nights ago.

Yoohyeon must have been trying to get her help before Minji woke up and destroyed one of the most precious things in her life.

She didn’t think this could hurt any more than it already did. But life said ‘challenge accepted’.

Minji was not there for the rest of the conversation that followed.

———————————————————————

The dorm was unusually silent, as if Minji’s absence had sucked the life out of the place. But Yoohyeon never found herself alone, always in the arms of one of the members. Even Dami was the one who dragged Yoohyeon to her bed to rest, with comforting arms around the lead vocalists trying to fill the void that had suddenly appeared in her life.

Her heart was bloodied and bruised after what happened, but Yoohyeon wasn’t completely falling apart with how the members were handling her with the utmost care, as if it was their own hearts that they needed to take care of. It was a collective pain that enveloped the dorm, even if Yoohyeon (and Minji) had been the ones who had gotten their hearts broken, the situation proved to her again how they all breathed as one. One person’s pain was all of their pain.

She saw it in how Siyeon had cried in Bora’s arms when she thought Yoohyeon was out of sight. She saw it in how the tears welled up in Gahyeon’s eyes when she was told of the news in the morning after she woke up and how tightly the maknae hugged her after. She saw it in how even Handong, who was one of their more logical than emotional members, had to go for a walk after Yoohyeon had retold what happened and what her and Dami found out, trying to find sense in the chaos that the 3 am brought. She saw it in how Dami kept on checking her messages, almost obsessively, waiting for any news from Minji or Siyeon.

And Bora. Bora had quickly put her own obvious worry aside and stepped up to the empty helm to steer their group so that they didn’t immediately drown with their captain gone; no one was left alone, no one was allowed to not take care of themselves, and no one was allowed to get lost in their own thoughts for too long. Bora’s number 1 focus was of course Yoohyeon, dotting on the lead vocalist with comforting touches, lower than usual tone of voice, and cooking favorite foods, but Bora somehow also took care of everyone else too, listening to everyone’s worries about the situation, including Siyeon via texts. 

But Minji wasn’t just their shipmaster, she was also their guiding star, and it was hard for any of them to know where to go from here when she was gone from their sight. Yoohyeon wished she could trade places with Minji, would have left the dorm if Minji needed time away from her, just so that Minji could be the one to receive this love and comfort from the other members. Yoohyeon almost felt guilty that she was managing to keep her head on her shoulders because of all their support, when Minji was hurting all alone.

But the thing that was most keeping Yoohyeon from completely succumbing to the heartache was confusion. Because as heartbroken as Yoohyeon was, she was more confused about everything. Minji had been spiraling in that conversation and Yoohyeon had been too concerned about the mental breakdown that Minji was having to make sense of the words that only later Siyeon confirmed to really have meant a breakup. But unless Minji said these words to Yoohyeon herself in a clearer state of mind, then Yoohyeon was reluctant to truly believe it.

———————

“Where’s Jiu?” a very predictable question when they showed up to record a promotional video message without their leader.

“She’s sick oppa,” Bora replied without hesitation.

Tae frowned, “Sick enough to not attend a schedule? Did she see a doctor? Why didn’t you tell us?”

“Why weren’t you with Minji at the gala?” Yoohyeon countered bluntly, earning surprised looks from her members.

“What? The gala? What does that have to do with Jiu being sick?” Tae asked confused.

“Yoohyeon.” Bora’s warning was clear and Yoohyeon deflated.

She was lashing out at the wrong person, but she didn’t know what to do with this anger that twisted her insides from the moment they stepped into the company, now knowing that this was the place that has been giving Minji hell till she burned out and took out both of their hearts with her.

When she declined Bora’s suggestion to sit this one out, because not only were they already down one member but also Yoohyeon could use the distraction, she didn’t realize that her emotions would become such a mess. Almost two days of not seeing Minji and only hearing vague updates from Siyeon had been leaving her off-kilter. Especially when she knew that Minji was not okay.

“Unnie please,” Yoohyeon had begged for some news on Minji as soon as Siyeon met up with them at the company.

“Yoohyeona, she’s safe I promise,” Siyeon sighed.

“But you’re not telling me that she’s okay, so I wanna know what’s happening,” Yoohyeon insisted.

“I just don’t wanna hurt you more Yoohyeona,” whatever Siyeon had witnessed had taken a toll on her and they could all see it. And it scared the shit out of Yoohyeon seeing their steady ‘wolf’ so rattled.

“I’m already hurt,” the tears were back again. “And it’s because Minji was keeping secret upon secret. I really don’t need any more of that. Just tell me, unnie.”

Bora hugged her then, but Yoohyeon didn't break the eye contact till the main vocalist nodded resigned.

Minji was at Sunmi’s, she wasn’t letting Siyeon see her, but Siyeon has heard more tears than words the whole time she was there. A heavy weight settled on Yoohyeon’s chest at the thought of Minji crying all alone. And while any mention of Sunmi was by now associated with negative feelings, Siyeon seemed to have turned a new leaf because she assured Yoohyeon that Minji was in good hands.

“There was literally no where I could take her. Even the couple of friends she has in the city, they don’t know about you two, so dropping off Minji when she was like that wasn’t an option. But Sunmi unnie took Minji unnie in with no questions and cancelled all her schedules for these two days just to stay with her,” Siyeon explained when Yoohyeon questioned her decision to go to Sunmi. “She’s the one who offered that I could stay there too, just to ease our minds and to have additional support ready for unnie if she needed it.”

“Sunmi knows about Minji unnie and Yoohyeon?” Dami whispered the question on Yoohyeon’s mind.

Siyeon shook her head, “She didn’t know about Yoohyeon, she was surprised when unnie said her name, but she seemed to already know that unnie is in a relationship... and with a woman.”

Yoohyeon shook her head, yet another thing that Minji kept from them. Yoohyeon and Minji had agreed to keep their relationship news within the group only at first and a bit later they also agreed on family too, because the risk of them being exposed got higher with the more people who knew about it. But Yoohyeon wouldn't  have objected if Minji had told her that she wanted to tell someone else about them. Even if Yoohyeon herself hadn’t entirely trusted Sunmi, Minji did and that would have been what mattered. Yoohyeon would never deprive Minji of having someone else she could completely trust in her life.

“But I found out something else before we went to Sunmi,” Siyeon said, a troubled look on her face. “Did you know that Minji unnie and her parents aren’t talking?”

“What?” Yoohyeon tried to think of when the last time Minji has visited her parents or even mentioned them, but it has been a while. Yoohyeon frowned, it was very odd that Minji wasn’t talking to her mom as often, now that she thought about it.

“I offered to drive her home. I thought that it would be good for her to be around family if she really didn’t want to be here with us,” Siyeon explained. “She refused and I tried to convince her that it was the best option, and it was only an hour and a half drive, but then she told me that she can’t go home because her dad and her weren’t talking. They got into a fight a while ago apparently.”

The news was very surprising. Minji and her family were like something out of a book on perfect families. An argument that was big enough that they weren’t talking was almost unbelievable. Yoohyeon’s heart ached for Minji, who must have been agonizing so much over this considering how close she was with her family. Why the hell didn’t Minji tell them this?

Then Yoohyeon paused, Siyeon's words sweeping through her head till she came across a dusted old puzzle piece. When they agreed they could tell their familie s, Yoohyeon did. Her siblings were completely supportive and more teasing Yoohyeon on how she got with someone so ‘out of her league’, and while her mom was concerned about the backlash that could come to both of them if it got out, her mom already loved the Dreamcatcher leader for having taken care of her daughter all these years (Minji was even her mom’s favorite in the group, which Yoohyeon had found hilarious considering her own fondness for Minji) . And so her mom was more than happy for Yoohyeon to have found herself in love with someone she deemed as ‘worthy of her daughter’; and Minji being her naturally charming self, sold it a hundred times over every time she was invited to dinner.

Minji, however, only told her brother. Something that would have bothered Yoohyeon if she hadn't  been sure that Minji was absolutely serious about her (Minji had after all accidentally said it right after they first kissed even before she told her she loved her and had assumed they were already ‘girlfriends’ before they talked about it; Minji was always one step ahead in her heart). Yoohyeon had figured Minji must have her reasons, coming out wasn’t an easy thing after all and Yoohyeon wasn’t going to push Minji to do so if she wasn’t ready, and hadn’t taken it personally. But Yoohyeon knew that Minji was so close with her parents and when they had been discussing whether they should tell their families, Minji had been in complete favor, saying with a wide smile that she wanted to introduce them to “the woman who brightened her everyday”.

So now with the news that Minji wasn't  talking to her family, Yoohyeon had to wonder about cause and effect. Did Minji not tell her parents because they were already not talking, or had Minji told her parents and that was why they weren’t talking? Yoohyeon really hoped that it was unrelated to their relationship and that it was just a misunderstanding that they could fix, because the former meant that Minji had lost one of her core support systems just because of who she loved; just because she loved Yoohyeon.

The brief video recording was depressing after having started off with 10 seconds of dead silence till they realized Minji wasn’t there to start off their greeting. Bora’s voice wavered at her first “One, two, three,” and none of them continued the greeting, Gahyeon and Siyeon turning away from the camera to collect their emotions, Yoohyeon closing her eyes and taking calming breaths to not cry at the very obvious hole in their group and in their hearts.

Their fan manager paused the recording to ask the members if everything was okay. They said they were fine. But no one was really okay without Minji.

“Did something happen?” Tae asked more urgently after they were done, his scrutiny of Yoohyeon not going unnoticed.

“We’re handling it, Oppa,” Siyeon said kindly.

Tae sighed, “Listen, I’ve been working in this industry for a long time. I’ve seen what it can do to artists. The way Jiu has been recently… I’ve been scared of where it’s going. And it’s not just me. So many of the staff have come to me because they are worried about her.”

Whatever anger Yoohyeon had got swept away by Tae’s concern. They were right to start being wary of the company, but their immediate staff wasn’t the problem. These people were like family to them, not just be the virtue of having spent so much time together, but in the way that the staff genuinely cared about them, celebrating Dreamcatcher’s successes as if it was their own and shedding tears with them just the same. And it went the other way too, the members having formed real friendships and being present for so many of the staff’s personal milestones. They shouldn’t lose their trust or break their connection with the staff just like that.

Tae continued, “There is only so much us as staff can do. We do our best to watch out for her… for all of you. But if you don’t tell us when something is wrong…”

Tears stung Yoohyeon’s eyes. It was the same exact problem that they have been having with Minji and Yoohyeon was sick of all the secrecy. “Oppa…”

“I’m not just saying this in my capacity as your company’s employee or your general manager,” Tae glanced around then lowered his voice, making the members move closer to him to hear. “The CEO isn’t communicating with any of us. It’s not normal that he is meeting with Jiu directly, and this often. If you think Jiu is in trouble, tell me and I will do my best to help out. I care about you girls like my own daughters, and I don’t want to see any of you get hurt,” the last part was again directed at Yoohyeon with an added, “Yoohyeona, please trust me to take care of her.”

Yoohyeon wasn’t sure why Tae was addressing her specifically. She knew the staff who watched over them every day for years weren’t blind, but Minji and Yoohyeon have tried to be as careful as possible, not changing how they interacted from how they were before they got together. It was restricting living with such a secret, worrying all the time that someone might find out, but that was actually where the nature of their work gave them some leeway that they wouldn’t have found if they were in another profession. They could still be close in public because if anyone came at them with any comments, they knew to completely play it off as their normal group closeness and skinship, and if cameras were present to stress on the fan service aspect, adding a breath of awkwardness that wasn’t actually there, to sell that it was all manufactured. So why was Tae asking her to trust him with Minji when the other members were present?

Yoohyeon found herself worrying about what Tae knew (or thought he knew), but she stopped herself from getting defensive and questioning what he meant. Tae wasn’t some random reporter or host trying to dig up some spicy information to go viral. He was their general manager since Dreamcatcher first came to life and he has done his best to look out for them. She has seen how he has gone out of his way to watch out for Minji recently, doing things like driving her to her schedules when his role in managing Dreamcatcher as a whole was too big to do such tasks. Tae’s position in the company was big, and he seemed to have also come to the same realization as them that Minji was having a problem with the company.

And so Yoohyeon decided to break this cycle they were stuck in and start trusting him, because they could use all the help they could get right now. Anything to make sure Minji was okay.

——————————————

Maybe Sunmi did have a point when she forced Minji out of bed to take a warm shower and convinced her to eat some soup and bread. Minji admitted she was feeling a bit more human right now.

“Okay, the album jacket shooting tomorrow,” Sunmi started.

It was what had gotten Minji to agree to leaving the nest of misery she had built in Sunmi’s guest room in the first place. Minji was still refusing to see any of the members, so Siyeon had informed Sunmi of that schedule and asked if she could check in with Minji on what she wanted to do because they didn’t want to decide for her. Siyeon asked if Minji wanted to do it, or if they should try to reschedule it or at least her parts and the group shots, or if maybe even they should cancel the whole thing and push the comeback; they were fine with anything that Minji wanted to do. The last suggestion was what got Minji out of bed to pick up her abandoned leader hat. The comeback was not going to be delayed because of her. Not after everything she has gone through for it.

“Yeah… great timing to fuck up my life, huh?” Minji gave a watery humorless chuckle.

“Minji…” Sunmi tilted her head sympathetically and Minji looked away.

She wished that they would all stop being so understanding and instead hold her accountable for her actions. She wanted them to be angry at her instead of trying to reach her with love even when Minji pushed them away, like she was doing with Siyeon who was literally right outside, or with the rest of them who have blown up her phone with concerned messages. Minji hurt Yoohyeon and this pain was the price to pay for it, she didn’t want their comfort or anything else to ease it; needed to feel just how badly she fucked up so that she never did it again.

“Can you please just talk to me?” Sunmi pleaded. “I already know… Siyeona told me about what happened that night… She doesn’t know that she actually cleared it all up for me as soon as she mentioned… that show.”

Minji looked away, but Sunmi’s hand pulled on hers to get her attention.

“I understand why it triggered you like that, but what I don’t get is why you did what you did. Why break up with Yoohyeon over this?”

Minji grabbed her phone from the bedside table, ignoring the newly cracked screen and the tens of notifications under it from names that all had an assortment of colored hearts next to them. She pulled up the text from that night and showed it to Sunmi, hoping she would just understand. Hoping that she didn’t have to explain why she committed the emotional equivalent of a murder-suicide.

Sunmi’s features darkened, her hand tightening around the phone. “That son of a bitch.”

Minji nodded. “He told them about the show, so that I wouldn’t say no.”

“Of course you’re gonna say no, why would it matter?” Siyeon questioned with a raised eyebrow.

Maybe Sunmi was too influential in the industry to get it. Maybe because Sunmi started out in a big company, and then was already so famous by the time she switched to a smaller one, so she never experienced the struggle of obscurity. Maybe Sunmi has been a solo artist for too long that she forgot what it was like being in a closely knit group, and how one would do anything for the members that were closer than family. Or maybe because Sunmi was never the leader, she couldn’t understand the responsibility Minji carried to make the best decisions for her group to ensure their success.

Minji leaned her head back on the headboard, whatever little energy the shower and food gave her slipping away with this conversation. “I’m tired.”

“Minji you can’t keep avoiding this conversation—”

“—I’m not… I am tired of being stuck in this life. I wish I was stronger, so that maybe I could’ve continued. But… I’m just so tired,” Minji’s tears found their way back to their home on her cheeks, running down already paved tracks.

Sunmi’s voice was also watery when she said, “You don’t need to keep doing this Minji. Just talk to your members… talk to Yoohyeon—”

“I already told you that it’s not option.” Destroying Dreamcatcher was never an option.

“You told me that before I found out that the person you were dating was Yoohyeon. She is in your company Minji! She has the right to know that someone has information on her that could ruin her career too. What if your shit ass CEO decides to pull the same shit with her Minji, then what?”

“He won’t,” Minji said darkly, a sliver of emotion other than pain clouding her words.

“How can you be so sure?”

“Because that was the whole deal,” Minji was completely defeated as she admitted. “He leaves Yoohyeon completely out of this, doesn’t terminate our contracts, keeps Dreamcatcher going, and I do what he wants.”

“Fuck.” Sunmi rubbed her temples in frustration, “Minji, this is so messed up. Then by your logic, what did breaking up with Yoohyeon get you? It changed nothing except that you’re both miserable now.”

“I’m fixing my mistake,” calling her relationship with Yoohyeon a mistake was like stomping on the last few remaining small, intact pieces of her heart. “I thought I could do whatever it took for our group, but I can’t. I didn’t expect how things would turn out, how far he would take this. He thought I was a lot stronger than I actually am. I can’t go through with what he wanted me to, whether it was you or L-Lee Sangwon,” his name brought bile up her throat. “And keeping everything a secret, lying to the members, shutting Y-Yoohyeon out…” A sob escaped her, “I can see that the group is starting to fall apart because of how I’ve been. I’ve stretched this to the limit. I can’t do it anymore. I just want to turn back time. I just want everything to go back to normal.”

“Min—”

She was gasping for air, but she didn’t stop. “—So much of this shit that’s happening I would’ve been able to get through if I had the member’s support. If I could just have them back in my life…”

Minji had escaped in her mind in every one of these situations, seeking the comfort of how if she asked for help, the members wouldn’t hesitate to step up for her. A jerk getting too forward with his words, Bora would’ve made him choke on his own wine before he even thought of touching her. A photographer choosing a direction she didn’t like, Siyeon would’ve had the whole photoshoot cancelled before he posed her around like his own barbie doll. New fans’ comments making her uncomfortable in a vlive, Handong would’ve called them out on it without a care for consequences. The stylists putting her in a skirt that is too short for an interview, Dami would’ve been there with a blanket right away before it became a whole 15 minutes of her legs on display on TV. The CEO cutting her royalties for new songs that she wrote for their albums, Gahyeon would’ve had contract terms highlighted and entire spreadsheets ready to make sure she got every cent that she deserved. Her dad—her dad not accepting her for who she loved, Yoohyeon… god, Yoohyeon would’ve made sure she knew how loved she was and how she had her chosen family right there before she started hating herself for disappointing him by not being normal like he wanted and agreeing to—

The sobs wrecked her as her thoughts went to her parents and Yoohyeon. Sunmi engulfed Minji in a hug but there was no comforting her.

“—If I am no longer with Yooh-Yoohyeon then he gets what he wants. There is no risk of us ruining the group’s and company’s reputation. If I’m not with her, then he has nothing to hold against me and let’s me go back to being the leader I want to be. If I’m not with her, then I don’t have to keep suffocating in this guilt and lying to her face every single day.”

Her voice was a complete mess, her throat not letting her say any words without immediate pain anymore. “I know I’m selfish… choosing myself and Dreamcatcher over Y-Yoohyeon… how can I ever say I love her when I’m not choosing her? She deserves the whole universe, and I can’t even choose her. She was the greatest thing in my life, and I fucking ruined it all.”

Sunmi’s arms were not around her anymore, but it made no difference when there was already only cold and emptiness filling every fiber of her being.

“I just want to be free. I just wanna look in the mirror and not see someone that I hate. I just— I just want to be me again. I-I just want to have them back. I—”

Minji gasped at the smell that flooded her senses as familiar arms gathered the falling pieces of her. The warmth was battling against the cold and Minji shivered in the sudden hold.

“I got you, unnie,” Siyeon’s voice was husky in her ears. “You have all of us. You are not alone.”

Minji had deprived herself from them for two days, and her body was refusing any more of this self-flagellation; the fight completely gone out of her, muscles letting go of all the tension till she was melting in Siyeon’s arms, a mess of limbs, tears, and broken dreams.

“We love you so much unnie, you won’t believe how lost we’ve been without you with us,” Siyeon’s tears mixed with her own.

“I’m sorry,” Minji croaked out. “I’m so sorry. I hurt you all—”

“—You did nothing wrong unnie. We’re hurt for you. Because we’ve been watching you lose yourself day by day, and we couldn’t—we couldn’t help you.” Siyeon was hugging her so tightly, as if trying to absorb Minji’s pain away from her. “I couldn’t sit outside and hear you cry and do nothing anymore. I’m sorry that I’m not respecting your wishes—”

Minji shook her head, her arms grasping onto Siyeon’s back, scared that Siyeon would let go and she would be left all alone again. “Please—please don’t go. Please…”

“I’m not going anywhere,” Siyeon’s words were firm, holding onto Minji with a solid confirmation of her promise. “You are not alone, Kim Minji. Not when the 6 of us are in this world. We’re soulmates, remember? We found each other in this life and we’re gonna go though it together till the very end.” Minji sobbed at the reminder of who exactly she has been pushing out of her life these past weeks, and Siyeon leaned her forehead against hers. “Let me take you home, unnie. We’ve all been waiting for you. Come back to us… Just come home, Minji.”

Home.

The word pulsed a weak light, a desperate attempt to fill the hollow and aching corners of her soul, but it was just enough for Minji to open her eyes to meet Siyeon’s.

Minji needed to go home.

Chapter Text

Yoohyeon froze in her place as the sound of the front door unlocking, her heart hammering in her chest.

When Siyeon had texted in the "no bunnies allowed ” group chat that she was bringing Minji home, the five of them quickly gathered, relief evident on their faces as if they couldn’t possibly stand the thought of another night without Minji.

Siyeon’s follow-up texts was how Yoohyeon ended up alone in the living room though.

SY: Please be gentle … she’s really hurting and thinks she’s pushed us out of her life.

SY: She needs us to love her really loudly right now.

SY:@Yooh I know it's maybe unfair if I ask u this because u r hurting too.

SY: But I think u should make ur own decisions.

SY: She thinks u hate her … I know u don't. Maybe it’s better she hears it from u.

SY: But if u don't want to have this convo, I get it! The rest of us can handle this too.

Yoohyeon had taken a shaky breath in at the message. Hating Minji wasn't  a feeling she even thought she was capable of having, the thought so foreign to her mind that she was stunned into silence.

A silence that the others misunderstood based on how Bora said, “Yoohyeona, we are here for both of you, not just Minji,” the others nodded. “You need to take care of yourself too. We got Minji if you—”

“—Unnie. Thank you.” Yoohyeon interrupted gently, looking at the members, her heart so full with how they wanted to make sure that she knew that even though Minji needed a lot of care right now, that it didn’t come at her expense. “But I need to talk to Minji… not just for her, but for myself too.”

Her conviction had them all agreeing that it would be good if Yoohyeon talked to Minji alone first to clear the air between them. And Siyeon would be walking in with Minji anyway so she would double check with Minji if she was also ready to talk to Yoohyeon.

But all this planning didn’t mean Yoohyeon knew how to act when Minji was finally in the same room as her. The leader’s eyes only briefly found Yoohyeon before falling to the ground downcast, Siyeon’s hand coming to her lower back and whispering something to which Minji paused for a few seconds, then nodded.

Yoohyeon had to stop herself from running to Minji, hugging her, and telling her she has been so worried about her. She knew she shouldn’t, but her arms were itching to be around the leader, her heart aching to be physically close to hers.

Siyeon gave Minji that hug Yoohyeon was longing for, then turned and gave Yoohyeon a small, encouraging smile before going to her bedroom.

The air was completely still for a whole minute that Yoohyeon half-expected Minji to ignore her and go to her room, but the leader finally took a deep breath and actually came and sat on the same couch as her. Not directly next to her, leaving a whole cushion—a whole world—between them. But at least with Minji being close like this, Yoohyeon was free to check on her physical wellbeing. Yoohyeon has never seen Minji look like this before. Her shirt was literally hanging off her shoulders; pale face, sunken cheeks, dark circles under her eyes like bruises made Yoohyeon’s chest hurt. Did Minji always look this frail? The urge to hug Minji and hide her from this world was increasing by the second.

The silence stretched between them, but Yoohyeon couldn’t for the life of her think of something to break it. What could she say? ‘How are you? Are you okay? I love you and I’m confused about what happened?’

But it was Minji who took the first step, “Hi.”

Minji’s voice startled Yoohyeon. Not just because she wasn’t expecting her girlfrien—Minji to speak, but also from how low and gruff it sounded.

“Hi…” Yoohyeon wouldn’t ignore her. Could never ignore her.

Minji sighed in relief and Yoohyeon felt the tears prick her eyes. Minji must have been so scared that Yoohyeon wouldn’t talk to her again.

When Minji didn’t look like she would say anything else, as if content to just hear one word from her, Yoohyeon took the next step. “I’m… I’m glad you’re back. I-I missed you,” Yoohyeon confessed then immediately winced at her words. She didn’t mean to say the second part out loud. Shouldn’t have.

But then Minji was turning towards her, eyes still downcast, focused on Yoohyeon’s hands, “I missed you too…”

Yoohyeon had to turn her head up to the ceiling to stop the tears from falling.

Minji continued, “I’ve been worried about you… If you were okay…”

Yoohyeon lightly scoffed, “I was here, in our home, surrounded by the closest people to us in the world. The safest place I could think of.”

The ‘unlike you, who was out there alone’ was implied.

“Are you though? Okay? Are you okay?” Minji finally looked up but her cracked voice was telling Yoohyeon everything she needed to know about how Minji spent the time apart from them. Away from her.

“I’m fine,” Yoohyeon started then shook her head, deciding there was no use in faking it. Her insides pulsing with pain at the sight of Minji right in front of her, every feeling from the last 2-3 days coming back up. “But I’m not okay… I’m confused. I’m hu-rt. This hurts so much Minji,” Yoohyeon finally decided to look Minji in the eyes.

Minji didn’t look away, but Yoohyeon could tell that she took Yoohyeon’s words heavily with how her shoulders dropped further.

“I’m so sorry Hyeon… I never meant to— I didn’t want to hurt you. But I did anyway. And I can’t apologize enough for it. Nothing I can say would make this better—”

“—You didn’t just hurt me, you hurt yourself too… Tell me why,” Yoohyeon interrupted, not able to hear Minji’s apologies. “I never asked anything of you Minji, but I’m asking you now to please tell me. Did I do something—”

“No!” Minji immediately objected. “Never. You—you are perfect. You didn’t do anything wrong. Please don’t think that. It’s me… It’s just me… I couldn’t be who I wanted to be for you.”

Yoohyeon shook her head, “You’re everything to me Minji. You… God I don’t know how to make you see that you’re everything I want in this life.”

“You deserve better Hyeon… You deserve the world, and I couldn’t… I can’t be the one to give it to you.”

“Bullshit!”

“Hyeon…”

“No! You don’t get to decide that. If you don’t want to be with me then just say that. Don’t act like you’re doing this for me when you gave me no choice. When I never complained,” Yoohyeon said angrily, feeling the blood rush from her broken heart to her head.

Minji looked at her pleadingly, voice wavering even more, “I can’t give you what you want.”

“You can’t love me?” Yoohyeon challenged with a raised eyebrow.

She was sure of the answer but sent a silent prayer anyway because if she was wrong, she thinks her heart might stop. If the love she felt from Minji, even in this moment, was not true, then Yoohyeon didn’t think anything in the world could ever be.

Minji’s hand went up to her own neck, grasping at her shirt’s collar as if the question was suffocating her.

“It’s a simple question,” Yoohyeon felt cruel for insisting, seeing how Minji struggled, but Yoohyeon needed this.

“It’s the only question I know the answer to,” Minji eventually said.

Yoohyeon tilted her head, heart threatening to beat out of her chest.

Then Minji gave a watery smile, her eyes shining as she let the tears fall freely, and Yoohyeon threw herself at Minji before the last syllable left her tongue. “I love you.” The truth echoing everywhere around her, in her head, in her heart. I love you. The words traveling in her blood stream stitching every little tear that was caused by the last couple of days. I love you. Yoohyeon had to stop herself from tasting the words off Minji’s lips, she knew what the tears meant even before Minji continued to speak. I love you.

“But it doesn’t change anything… I still… I still can’t…” Minji hugged Yoohyeon tighter to herself and Yoohyeon finally felt like she could breathe after two days of no air. It was amazing how much comfort Minji was able to provide her with a simple hug. Yoohyeon has always been the one to hold Minji recently, and while she loved having Minji in her arms, she sorely missed being in Minji’s comforting grasp.

“I know,” Yoohyeon answered, pulling back to look at Minji as she confessed, “But I don’t know how to sit here and pretend that I don’t care about you… that I don’t love you too…”

Yoohyeon wiped the tears on Minji’s face with her thumb, taking her time to caress Minji’s cheeks. It was a weird place to be, where love wasn’t enough.

“Me neither,” Minji sighed, leaning her face onto Yoohyeon’s open palm. “But I can’t keep you tethered to me…”

“Then ask me,” Yoohyeon softly said, even though it would break her own heart, probably forever. “Ask me to let you go. Ask me to let you go and I will. If it’s what you want… I would do it for you. F-forget about us. Go back to how things were before… Ask me.”

Minji opened her mouth, and Yoohyeon braced for impact. This was gonna hurt like hell.

But then Minji closed her mouth.

Then opened it and closed it.

Then again, yet no words came out.

As if Minji’s lips refused to form around the words, as if her tongue refused to let them go off its tip, as if her vocal cords refused to vibrate at that resonance; as if Minji’s entire body rebelled against what she wanted to do, stopped her from doing irreversible damage to Yoohyeon and herself.

Minji’s chest shook with the force of the internal struggle and Yoohyeon just leaned her forehead against hers. Warm air passing back and forth between them.

“It’s okay,” Yoohyeon whispered the words, to Minji and herself. In that moment, Yoohyeon truly believed that everything was going to be okay.

“How can it be okay for me to be so selfish?” Minji’s words were choked, full of something dangerous. Yoohyeon didn’t know how long ago this self-hatred took root. How did Yoohyeon not see it before?

“Because I want you to be selfish. I don’t want you to let go of your love. Maybe that makes me selfish, seeing you struggling with this and still not wanting you to let go. And I’m not saying… I’m not saying we should get back together,” Yoohyeon’s heart rebelled against that, but she had to power through. “As-as much as I want to be with you, this is obviously not what you need right now, and I don’t want to ruin us forever by forcing anything. But I don’t know where we go from here either…

“The only thing I know is that you’re it for me, Minji. In this life and the next, and each one that will exist after. And I’m not letting you go through this world alone, whether we’re together or not, unless you tell me to let you go.”

If Minji’s chest had shook before, now it was an earthquake and Yoohyeon had to hold on to her tightly to absorb some of this pain for Minji. Minji’s sobs were silent, only choked gasps escaping her, and Yoohyeon’s heart clenched uncomfortably. What had Minji done that she was unable to cry out loud now?

Yoohyeon settled back on the couch, pulling Minji with her so that the older’s upper body was resting on Yoohyeon’s left side. Yoohyeon lightly massaged over Minji’s heart, replacing Minji’s fingers that were trying to dig their way inside of her chest. Her fingertips grazed jagged marks already in her skin at that spot. Minji…

“I’m sorry,” Minji whispered the apology over and over into Yoohyeon’s chest as if trying to get them to go straight to where it hurts.

The tears flowed down Yoohyeon’s face, and she didn’t try to stop them this time. She was still losing something tonight and placing all her bets in hopes of a one day that might never come. But anything was better than losing Minji forever. Anything was better than Minji letting her go. Right?

It could’ve been minutes or hours that passed, but eventually Minji’s breathing synced with hers, and it was easier for both of them to breathe. Together.

Minji’s voice was so low as she repeated it, as if she was struggling to speak now. “I’m so sorry…”

Yoohyeon never wanted Minji’s apologies, not when they came from a place of self- blame and depreciation. Not when it was just a lie that Minji’s head was telling her where everything was her fault, and not the truth that Yoohyeon actually wanted to hear.

Yoohyeon sat them both up so that she can look at Minji, “Minji—”

“—I know, it doesn’t mean much,” Yoohyeon’s next inhale was shaky because Minji was so in-tuned with her. “But I don’t have much else to offer you. E-everything is too much, and us— our relationship fell through the cracks. And I couldn’t… You deserve so much more than what I gave you.”

The words cracked against Yoohyeon’s chest like a whip. There was just no room for Yoohyeon along with everything else in Minji’s head.

“Hyeon…” There was so much sadness in the way Minji called her name that Yoohyeon almost didn’t want to hear her name said like that. Minji wasn’t looking at her when she said, “I feel so alone.”

The words threatened to choke Yoohyeon. It would be so easy for her to get hurt by them. Minji feeling alone when Yoohyeon has been trying so hard to make sure she didn’t feel this way, had begged Minji to let her in. But this wasn’t about her, it was about Minji’s feelings. Yoohyeon encouraged Minji to continue with a squeeze of her hand, but the leader wouldn’t.

“Let me help you,” Yoohyeon wasn’t above pleading with Minji. “It doesn’t even have to be me; the others are here for you too.”

Minji closed her eyes, a tear rolling down her cheek.

“What is scaring you so much?” Because it was fear, Yoohyeon could see it written all over Minji every time she clamped up, like something was holding a knife to her throat, trapping the words there.

“I don’t wanna let you guys down,” Minji sniffled, her face crumbling. “I know I have been, but I’ve tried so hard… Please believe me Hyeon, I tried. I swear I tried. I tried—”

Yoohyeon wasn’t going to let Minji spiral. “Shhh I know b—Minji, I know.” Yoohyeon’s hand found its way to Minji’s back, moving up and down muscles that had no more energy to even hold Minji’s head up high anymore.

“I’m so scared all of you will hate me forever.”

Yoohyeon shook her head, her nose burned from trying to hold her tears at bay. “We could never hate you Minji.”

Minji gave a sad smile. “I wish that were true. But you don’t know me anymore… I’ve let you down in ways I didn’t know I was capable of.”

“Minji—”

“—Don’t think I don’t see that I’m hurting you right now,” Minji looked her straight in the eyes and Yoohyeon’s tears fell. “I would never not see you Hyeon.” She didn’t know why it was Minji’s acknowledgment that was breaking her resolve to stay strong in front of Minji. For Minji.

“And the thing is I can’t stop it. And there is no way to fix it.” The defeat was wrapping around every word coming from Minji. “Things are gonna be better from now on, but I can’t do anything about what already happened. I just have to live knowing that I am not a good person and hope that I can make up for some of my mistakes… somehow. But that’s my problem, not yours… not anymore.” Minji’s fingers came to Yoohyeon’s face, brushing her tears away, with a broken smile that didn’t belong on Minji’s beautiful face. “Told you I was being selfish.”

This wasn’t about being selfish in not letting Yoohyeon go. Yoohyeon still couldn’t hear what Minji wasn’t saying, she just knew there was something else.

“It’s okay to be selfish sometimes,” soft smiles and tears paired on Yoohyeon’s face like contradictions. “But I know you, Minji. Maybe I don’t know what has been going on recently, but I know you. You’ve never ever chosen yourself above someone else, whether you knew them or not, and definitely not above one of us. You give so much, so much of yourself, to everyone around you. There is not a bad bone in your body, Kim Minji. Even if by some miracle you did choose yourself, although in the past that always required us forcing you, it would not be selfish. It’s okay to do things for yourself.”

“Even if it meant hurting you?” Minji scoffed, shaking her head.

“Did you really hurt me, or do you just think that you did?” Yoohyeon asked gently. Minji kept apologizing for things that never bothered Yoohyeon, and Yoohyeon had already tried explaining this to her the other night. “Because what’s actually hurting me is seeing you like this Minji, not being able to help you, all the secrecy… We are friends—family above anything else and it hurts seeing you act like you don’t trust me—us anymore.”

Minji didn’t try to deny Yoohyeon’s words, and Yoohyeon’s insides twisted. Did Minji really not trust them?

“I think I lost you long before that night,” Minji said, the tears freely falling.

Yoohyeon frowned and turned Minji’s head towards her. “I need you to listen to me very carefully. There is no losing me, or us. Ever. You keep pushing us away, but we haven’t gone anywhere. And from what I’m hearing, and in the car the other day…” It was painful bringing this up now. If only they weren’t interrupted then, maybe they could have avoided all this pain. The taste of bitterness was new on her tongue, but she swallowed it. “You don’t want to keep pushing us away either. Y-you asked me for help. You promised we would talk later. I’m still waiting…”

Minji looked at her surprised, as if she thought that ship had sailed. “Later can be now?”

A spark of hope was back to Minji’s face. Was this one of those mistakes that Minji spoke of?

“Later can be now,” Yoohyeon confirmed gently, realizing the importance of this to Minji. “Do you want that?”

‘Please say yes’ Yoohyeon repeated over and over in her head, praying to whatever was out there in the universe listening to just let her have this one thing after all this heartbreak.

Minji took a shaky breath in, “Y-yes.”

A soft smile took over Yoohyeon’s face. “I’m so glad to hear you say that.”

Minji gave a weak smile in return, the edges of her lips quivering.

“You don’t need to be scared, I’m with you every step of the way,” Yoohyeon reassured, sensing the fear radiating from Minji again. “And not just me, all of us. Together, okay?”

Minji nervously nodded.

“First… your throat though,” Yoohyeon finally addressed. “I’m really worried about how you sound bab—Minji.” Yoohyeon winced at the repeating slip up.

Minji’s thumb caressed the back of her hand twice. It was okay.

“I was already checked out,” Minji explained slowly. “I couldn’t really talk yesterday, and Sunm—Sunmi got worried and called Miyeon unnie.”

It was Yoohyeon’s turn to assure Minji that it was okay. Yoohyeon was glad Minji wasn’t alone, appreciated the role that Sunmi played in keeping Minji safe till she came back home.

“What did she say?”

“I-I’m not really sure. I… was a bit out of it,” Minji admitted and Yoohyeon frowned.

Yoohyeon was hoping that with Miyeon having finally gotten a chance to go see Minji that more would come out of it. But then again from what Siyeon had said, Minji wasn’t in a state where she was talking to anyone.

Minji continued, “In the car, Siyeona said something about some bleeding and that I should go on vocal rest, and it should clear up in a week or two. If… if I can’t hit a five-note scale in the middle range after then I need to follow up.”

Yoohyeon closed her eyes. That would be a singer’s nightmare. Yoohyeon didn’t need to ask how it happened. It wasn’t from singing. Was that why Siyeon was so shaken up when she came back that night? Just imagining Minji screaming like that was making Yoohyeon’s hand tighten on the leader’s. So much pain and for what?

“Okay… vocal rest, we can do that. We don’t have anything to record, and you don’t need to actually sing till comeback itself. Even if you’re not fully well by then, we’ll figure it out. Bora unnie had those nodules before and we even still did fansigns.”

Minji lightly laughed at the memory of Bora’s white board and all the shenanigans she managed to pull.

Yoohyeon knew that Minji should be keeping the talking to a minimum with her condition, but she couldn’t miss this timing. Minji asked for help.

“What else, Minji?”

Any traces of amusement disappeared at the question.

“I— I don’t know where to start,” Minji said with a defeated sigh.

“Anywhere Minji. We can untangle it together, you just need to say something,” Yoohyeon encouraged. Yoohyeon could start with her own speculations if Minji got stuck, but she waited knowing that if Minji talked, whatever she would say first would be what was most pressing on her mind right now.

“Are you okay talking to me, or one of the other members?” Yoohyeon wasn’t sure with the change in their relationship if Minji still felt comfortable talking to her or if it was difficult opening up and she would prefer to talk to Siyeon or Bora.

Minji nodded, and Yoohyeon smiled, “It wasn’t a yes or no…”

“Oh,” Minji blushed.

“But it’s good to know,” Yoohyeon said kindly. Yoohyeon was relieved that Minji didn’t pull away from her. “I wanna suggest something first though.”

Minji looked up at her attentively.

“You can talk to us of course, any time, about anything; actually, very much encouraged, so don’t think I’m just trying to shuffle you off to someone else. But I think at this point, with some of the things that have been happening,” Yoohyeon took a deep breath. “That you could really use some professional support as well… like a therapist or a psychiatrist.”

Yoohyeon tried to say the words as openly as she could, without any judgment or condemnation. As much as she wanted to be there for Minji, they couldn’t help her with some of the things that were happening; the anxiety, panic attacks, those episodes of whatever it was, the breakdowns... These needed to be urgently addressed.

Minji took some time to mull over Yoohyeon’s words, but Yoohyeon could see that Minji’s right hand was beginning to shake. Yoohyeon frowned and took the hand in hers.

“Could you tell me what’s worrying you?”

Minji swallowed, “I… I tried before. It wasn’t a g-good experience. I had to stop it.”

Yoohyeon tilted her head, “The therapy you said you were going to a while ago?”

Minji nodded with fleeting eyes.

Yoohyeon couldn’t let her shut herself in again. “Could you tell me what about didn’t go well? Then we can try to figure out a better option from there?”

“He… he wasn’t really listening to me, I felt. Like he only had a very specific idea of what I must do and wouldn’t work with me when I would have other thoughts on what I wanted to. I didn’t agree with a lot of the things he said, so every time I would come out feeling worse than when I went in.”

Yoohyeon frowned, remembering how Minji used to be on those Friday nights. That one time Minji was so tired and even crying after sprang to mind. “That’s not what therapy is supposed to be at all. It’s supposed to be a time for you to express yourself freely in a safe space where you don’t have to worry about if your words will hurt anyone or if they’re right or wrong, and a therapist is supposed to be a guiding hand in the process, to listen and to offer a healthy point of view on these thoughts.”

Minji’s face was crestfallen, “It wasn’t like that at all. It was very draining. Like going into a fight. Every time.”

“I’m sorry you had to experience that Minji. Who recommended him?” Yoohyeon was curious.

With their line of work, they couldn’t just go to anyone, and recommendations were hard to get, when most in their field wouldn’t admit to going to therapy in fear that it would get out somehow and ruin their reputation. As if there was anything wrong with working on yourself and seeking self-improvement. And it was even harder when they would need to find a new therapist every time a member needed one because they couldn’t go to the same one.

“My dad…”

Yoohyeon was taken aback by Minji’s answer.

Minji’s parents didn’t even live in Seoul, how would her dad know a therapist here? Yoohyeon recalled what Siyeon said and wanted to ask about Minji’s parents and what was happening that they weren’t talking, but she knew she had to focus on this task first.

“I’m sure your dad meant well, but that sounds like a very bad match. You know that Siyeon unnie and Dami regularly go to therapy, and I used to go for a while; and while it could be challenging at times, the difficulty was from confronting yourself and the way you think, not actually debating with the person who is there to help you. I understand how difficult of an experience that might have been, but I hope it didn’t turn you off from therapy completely. We can make sure to get a very good recommendation, I was actually going to suggest we talk to Siyeon unnie’s sister and see if she knew of anyone trustworthy.

“And I will be there with you every step of the way, waiting for you outside, then taking you home; if you feel uncomfortable at any point, you tell me and we find a solution for it right away. You don’t have to continue going through a bad situation because you think it’s your only option.” Yoohyeon started to feel embarrassed after her monologue, but then it turned into concern when she saw the tears shinning in Minji’s eyes.

“Minji?” Yoohyeon called out hesitantly. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to just talk at you—”

“—No no, you weren’t,” Minji interrupted her, wiping her own tears away. “I just…”

“Tell me,” Yoohyeon said gently when she noticed the hesitation.

“You’re too good to me. I just feel like I don’t deserve this much kindness. Especially not after what the last days.”

Yoohyeon frowned. There it was again, the self-hatred. “I don’t know if anything I say right now could convince you otherwise, but I will say it anyway. I’m not holding anything against you, Minji. And I’m not gonna stop wanting to help you just because we’re not together. I care about you, all of us do. You are the sun in our lives, and while it’s completely okay to have cloudy days, this storm has been going on for very long and we just want you to be healthy and happy again.”

Minji sniffled as she buried herself back into Yoohyeon’s arms. “Thank you.”

Minji’s weight on her was so assuring at this moment.

“I’ll arrange everything with Miyeon unnie then, okay?”

Minji nodded, and even though nothing has happened yet, Yoohyeon felt like it was a heavy weight off her chest, knowing that she could get Minji the help she needed. Yoohyeon didn’t mention that she had already talked to Miyeon. That Miyeon was supposed to come over the morning after the gala. That Yoohyeon already had this kind of help ready for Minji. If only they had just gone back to sleep. But there was no need to hurt Minji like that by telling her.

There were a few minutes of silence in the room. Not uncomfortable or anything, just both feeling at peace in that moment after the days of hell that had passed. Yoohyeon hated that it took them breaking up to get to this point where they could finally start talking but maybe it was the wakeup call they both needed to realize things couldn’t continue as they have been. Yoohyeon had to hold on to the hope that this wasn’t the end of them. That maybe Minji needed to not have the worries about their relationship along with everything else on her mind in order to be able to start dealing with her issues. It would all be worth it in the end if Minji got her smile back.

“Hye—Yoohyeona?”

There was a twinge of pain in Yoohyeon’s chest at Minji’s self-correction; she already missed the way Minji called her, ‘Hyeon’ falling off her lips but the words ‘my love’ reaching Yoohyeon’s ears.

“Yes…” and Yoohyeon froze on how to continue calling her, now that she heard her own name bare. ‘Baby’ was not an option, but just ‘Minji’ was also too reminiscent of their relationship. “Unnie…”

The way Minji looked away told Yoohyeon that she felt the same. But Yoohyeon didn’t want her to hide her pain, so she softly turned Minji’s head to face her. There were tears in her eyes again.

“It hurts me too… not being able to call you mine.” Yoohyeon decided to lead by example and be honest. “This is really going to suck,” Yoohyeon tried to joke. But it wasn’t really a joke.

Minji gave a watery chuckle as she nodded.

“We…” Minji took a shaky breath. “We’ll get through this, right?”

It was a clear indication from Minji’s side that she also didn’t think this was the absolute end for them. But while Yoohyeon wanted to assure Minji (and herself), especially with how things were looking up right now, she knew it wasn’t so simple and things weren’t just going to fix themselves. “It’ll take a lot of hard work, probably a lot of pain and time, but I really believe so.”

Minji gave a soft smile at the hopeful answer. It felt like it has been forever since she last saw Minji smile.

———

“Hey,” Bora greeted quietly as they walked in on an unexpected sight. Minji sleeping on Yoohyeon on the couch.

Yoohyeon smiled at the members, “Hey.”

“What’s going on?” Dami was the one to ask. All eyes were on Minji prone form.

“Minji is home,” Yoohyeon simply said.

“We can see that,” Bora said with a small, relieved smile, as she knelt in front of the couch, fingers lightly petting Minji’s head, pushing her hair out of her face to see Minji’s face more clearly. “Is she doing okay?”

Now that was a complicated question and required Yoohyeon to gently move Minji off her chest and settle her on the couch so that Yoohyeon could get up. Handong immediately opened her arms and Yoohyeon gladly went into them.

“Yooh?” Bora was still in her position but looked up at Yoohyeon since she hadn’t answered.

“We talked a bit…”

“And?” Gahyeon asked eagerly.

Yoohyeon shook her head, her heart hurting at her own words, “We are not… we are not together anymore.”

The declaration made them pause, various expressions of sadness and disappointment on their faces as Yoohyeon expected. Siyeon looked away. Handong’s arms tightened around her.

“What was this about then?” Dami asked pointing at the couch, referring to the cuddling they walked in on.

“We both needed a bit of comfort after talking,” Yoohyeon shrugged.

Dami frowned and Yoohyeon sighed, disengaging from Handong’s hug.

“We still both love each other very much, that didn’t change.” She understood that Dami was being protective of her after having held her as she cried the last couple of days. But it was Minji. Yoohyeon didn’t need someone to protect her from Minji. She needed everyone to help Minji. “But she’s not doing well right now. And there’s a lot of things that she needs to work on first, before we can work on us. Starting with her mental state…”

“She talked to you?” Siyeon asked with eyebrows raised in both surprise and hope.

They talked a lot, but Yoohyeon knew what Siyeon was really asking.

“Only a little bit. Her throat is kinda fucked up, I could tell it was painful to talk so I didn’t push so much, and she fell asleep... She was really tired.” She didn’t blame Minji, the leader had already looked exhausted before they even started talking and cried who knew how many times.

“Wait her throat? Why?” Handong asked.

Yoohyeon looked pointedly at Siyeon, whose face fell. It was as Yoohyeon suspected.

“Shit…” Siyeon ran her hands through her hair. “Yeah my sister said she thinks there’s some hemorrhaging and Minji unnie should go on vocal rest for a bit. And actually see a specialist, just in case...”

Handong, Dami, Gahyeon didn’t know about what happened, but it was easy to guess judging by how Dami’s hand went to her temple in stress.

Yoohyeon added, “But she agreed that we talk to Miyeon unnie to find her some professional help.”

That earned a lot of relieved sighs around the room.

“Really? That’s great, unnie is waiting for a phone call from us anyway,” Siyeon said. “Minji unnie wasn’t talking or listening, and Miyeon unnie got really concerned with her condition, especially with what we both told her.”

“I’ll call her now to get started on this,” Yoohyeon was glad that they had a trusted person in their lives that they can conveniently reach out to for advice without worry.

“Did she say anything else?” Bora asked, her eyes on Minji as she still petted her hair.

It must have been so hard on Bora especially to not be able to do anything to help as the second oldest. She had picked up the leader mantle without complaint, but Yoohyeon was sure that Bora would’ve much rather had Minji around and helped her instead. 

“Only that she needed to talk to all of us about something. Like really talk,” Yoohyeon couldn’t help the smile of relief.

Silence fell in the dorm, but it wasn’t suffocating this time with the seven of them under one roof as it should be.

Confident that Minji would be well looked after with the members there, Yoohyeon slowly retreated to her room, intending to call Miyeon.

But pieces of the shield she put up were falling behind her like a trail back to Minji.

Apparently, her departure drew Bora’s attention because the main dancer followed her a minute later.

“Yoohyeona? Are you okay?” Yoohyeon was sitting at her bed, staring at the phone in her hand, but she wasn’t seeing the screen with how her vision was blurring from the tears.

The sniffle made Bora immediately close the door and go to Yoohyeon’s side.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Bora wrapped her arms around Yoohyeon’s waist.

Yoohyeon tried to keep her crying quiet so that the noise didn’t reach the outside.

“Unnie…”

Reality was crashing down on her, her heart protesting against the increasing pressure in her chest. Or was it her heart that was causing the pressure? A sob escaped her and she buried her face in Bora’s shoulder to muffle the next ones.

Because even though Minji was home and finally letting them help her, the confusion was gone, and clarity was like a slap on the face. Even though she knew Minji loved her, and that maybe one day they could try again; the truth of the matter was, right now her relationship with Minji was truly over.

“I couldn’t hold on to her. I lost her, unnie…”

Of all the things balls that kept falling while Minji tried to juggle everything, their relationship was the one Minji couldn’t pick up again.

Bora stroked Yoohyeon’s hair.

“I’ll help her, I promise. I’ll be there,” Yoohyeon felt like she needed to reassure. “I just—I just need a moment.”

Bora shook her head. “Two things can be true at the same time Yoohyeona. You can love Minji and also be hurt by her actions. You can want to help Minji and also be sad about your relationship. Don’t go shutting down your own feelings now and just putting Minji’s needs above your own. That’s why we were telling you that if you needed space—”

“—I don’t need space. I just need her to be okay,” Yoohyeon sobbed.

She just needed Minji.

But Minji slipped right out of her hands.

Chapter Text

When Minji woke up, she was alone on the couch, her body was already missing Yoohyeon’s against hers. But she needed to get used to this absence from now on. She wished she hadn’t fallen asleep so quickly when it was probably the last time they would hold each other like that, but Yoohyeon’s arms were the comfort she had been without for a couple of days, and Minji’s mind had finally gone quiet for a few seconds and she drifted off.

The talk with Yoohyeon had been thoroughly exhausting, and Minji had to actively keep a strong hold on reality instead of letting her mind slip away in escape when Yoohyeon was talking about being hurt by Minji’s actions. It was almost suffocating realizing that despite how much pain she brought to Yoohyeon, Yoohyeon’s feelings did not change; she still cherished Minji’s love for her and treated Minji with so much undeserved kindness. Minji felt so selfish getting such comfort from Yoohyeon, when she was the one who broke both of their hearts, and all she could do was promise herself to make the most out of it and do better. Minji’s decision, even if her hands were forced, was to change her circumstances, and that wasn’t limited to just making things at the company go back to normal, but also her relationship with the members.

“Hey sleepyhead,” Siyeon’s voice reached her and Minji opened her eyes to see that Siyeon was sitting on the floor in front of the couch. The TV was on but muted, no doubt to not disturb Minji.

“Hey,” Minji winced at her own broken voice.

Siyeon also frowned for a second. “You’ve been sleeping for a while. You know you have a bed, right?” Siyeon joked.

Minji gave a light chuckle, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to fall asleep here. I was talking to Yoohyeon…”

“She filled us in a bit.”

Minji nodded, glad that she didn’t have to explain.

“You don’t look too good unnie.”

“I didn’t really sleep well the last couple of days,” Minji admitted.

“I know,” Siyeon said, sadness coloring her tone.

Siyeon turned off the TV and turned fully towards Minji, who slowly sat up.

“I didn’t mean to creepily just sit watch you while you slept, but I was just happy to see you home. And that you’re letting me see you...”

“I’m sorry Siyeona.”

“For what?”

 “The last days. I think I was particularly mean to you,” Minji said with a grimace. She couldn’t remember what she said word for word, but she was successful at pushing her roommate away for sure. Something about how seeing Siyeon was making everything hurt more. The wound had been too fresh, and her shattered heart had pulsed regret with every breath and seeing Siyeon was multiplying that pain.

“Oh… not mean, no. You were hurting… a lot,” Siyeon’s face darkened. “It was just hard hearing you cry and not be able to comfort you. I didn’t know how to ease your pain, and you didn’t want a reminder right there with you. I get it.”

“Still—”

“Still nothing. There’s nothing to apologize for unnie. I was really worried, but at least you let me take you to Sunmi’s, because just leaving you or taking you to a hotel like you said was not an option I was willing to take. And now you’re home, with us. That’s all that matters.”

Minji smiled gratefully. While her mind and heart had been comprehending nothing but pain, and she would’ve not cared where she was, now with a bit of a clearer head she was aware that she probably shouldn’t have been left completely alone like she begged Siyeon to; that if it hadn’t been for Siyeon pushing her to think of somewhere to go or she wouldn’t leave her, and for Sunmi insisting that Minji talk to her about what happened, then Minji would’ve still been out there somewhere isolating herself, and not back home and managed to talk to Yoohyeon.

“I am still worried though. The things I heard at Sunmi’s…”

Shit. Minji gulped. “What did you hear?”

“You said you chose yourself and Dreamcatcher over Yoohyeon. I didn’t tell this to Yoohyeona, it sounds too bad…” Siyeon’s eyebrow were dipped into a frown. “What did you mean by that?”

Minji was relieved that Siyeon didn’t hear anything before that. But there was an inexplicable twinge inside of her chest, a wisp of disappointment. The part of her that was longing to be free was apparently not fully satisfied by just the prospect of things going back to normal.

“How did Dreamcatcher get in the way of your relationship?” Siyeon asked.

“It doesn’t matter right now. My relationship with Yoohyeon is o-over,” Minji swallowed the lump in her throat. “And it’s only my fault, no one else’s.”

“You gotta stop blaming yourself for everything unnie,” Siyeon sighed. “Yoohyeon loves you so much—”

“—Siyeona please. I can’t… I already talked to Yoohyeon, and she accepted my decision,” Minji’s chest was aching with this conversation now. Would she ever think about Yoohyeon and not feel hurt?

“She may have accepted it for now, but you are gonna have to give her more than that at some point, unnie. That girl will follow you to the end of the Earth and literally all she’s asking for is for you to talk to her. You at least owe her a proper explanation.”

Minji nodded in resignation, knowing that the conversation they had was not enough if she wanted to keep Yoohyeon in her life without any resentment between them. Yoohyeon was too logical to be satisfied by just blanket apologies. Even if the words hurt, Minji appreciated that while Siyeon was concerned about her, she wasn’t going completely easy on her, and kept Yoohyeon’s interest in mind as well.

“I know you’re struggling a lot right now with your own head, and I’m so glad you agreed that we get you help so that you can get better; but there’s also actual shit that is happening that you’re not telling us about... That night, when you came back—”

“—I know,” Minji sighed. “I got really overwhelmed… Something happened… but I would need the others too to talk about it. It’s something that will affect the whole group. Is that okay?”

She had gotten so used to not talking that the thought of it was terrifying, but she needed to. When she had started that conversation with Yoohyeon in the car, she didn’t know what she wanted to say, only that she couldn’t keep up with all the promotions she was doing anymore. She had just hoped that she would be able to say one thing and the rest of the words would come tumbling out of her mouth. But now, she knew she needed to talk about the night of the gala. Not only because the Knowing Bros episode would be cancelled after she talked to the CEO, but also to maybe give Yoohyeon a bit of insight on where her head was at that night when she abandoned Yoohyeon in that way. It wasn’t an excuse for what Minji did, for how she hurt Yoohyeon, but she just wanted Yoohyeon and the others to understand her a bit.

She couldn’t tell them about her conflict with the CEO, the breakup was meant to resolve it anyway. But what happened at the gala she hadn’t intended to hide, she was going home still wanting to talk Yoohyeon and even more so about what happened that night, but then the carpet was swept out from under her feet with the news she came home to and how excited they were, realizing with the CEO’s message that she was stuck in an impossible situation that apparently would keep getting worse unless she did something. But now, with breaking up with Yoohyeon so that she could get her life back, the dinner which that asshole wanted would not be happening, and the invitation to the show would be taken back anyway. And she needed to explain to them why they were losing such a big opportunity—no, why they even received that invitation in the first place. The hurt part of her also longed for being enveloped by their protectiveness and removing this barrier she put up between them.

Siyeon right away got up. “Of course, unnie, I’ll get them.”

“Oh!” Minji was surprised by the sudden movement. “I didn’t mean right now?”

“No time like the present, and everyone is here and awake,” Siyeon was halfway to the bedrooms when she stopped and turned to Minji. “Is that fine? I don’t want to force you or anything.”

A sad smile made it to Minji’s face at how cautious Siyeon was being with her. “That’s fine Siyeona… Thank you.”

“For what?” Siyeon tilted her head.

“For taking care of me. Now and the last days, you made sure I stayed safe even when I didn’t care at all what happened to me.”

“Oh,” Siyeon rubbed the back of her neck. “I’ve always got your back, unnie.”

——————

Yoohyeon was a bit groggy from having been woken up by Siyeon, but she was trying her best to focus. Minji wanted to talk to them about something now.

“This is about the comeback promotion on Knowing Bros,” Minji said.

Yoohyeon could see that it was taking Minji a tremendous effort to talk with the hesitation in her words.

“Knowing Bros?” Bora frowned, “But we only told you about this when you came back here.”

“Yes, but… I know why we received the invitation,” Minji had her fists clenched and shaking in her lap, eyes downcast not meeting any of theirs.

Yoohyeon couldn’t stand seeing her this distressed, so she reached out and grabbed a hand. Siyeon seemed to have the same idea because she grabbed the other. Minji gave them a small grateful smile and took a deep breath as she finally looked up to face the members. “Are you familiar with a man named Lee Sangwon?”

Yoohyeon didn’t know it was possible to be this sad and angry at the same time. The pain in her heart mixing with the need to punch something leaving Yoohyeon paralyzed.

And it wasn’t just her feeling this way, because only Bora stood up in shock, but the rest of them stayed rooted in their spots. “I’m going to kill him! Who the fuck does he think he is to talk to you like this? To dare to fucking touch you?”

Yoohyeon felt the bile rise up her throat at the thought of what Minji went through. What could have happened if Sunmi hadn’t seen Minji. If Irene hadn’t interfered.

But what was worse, was how small Minji’s voice had gotten when she described what he did and how she couldn’t do anything about it. How powerless Minji felt was evident to all of them, but the self-blame for not being able to take action was what fueled their rage further. “I should have done something—”

“—Unnie. I don’t want to hear you say that ever again.” Siyeon’s words were firm, timber low in barely restrained anger. “He is the one who shouldn’t have done this.”

Seeing Minji curled up on herself, Yoohyeon couldn’t help but hold the leader’s hand tighter. “I’m so sorry you had to go through that Minji…” Yoohyeon felt like she was suffocating with all the feelings swirling inside of her. Anger didn’t plague her often with her more laid-back personality, so she didn’t know how to deal with this erupting sea inside of her chest. Why didn’t Minji tell them right away— “When you came back, we bombarded you with the news… we didn’t give you a chance to tell us?”

Minji didn’t respond, only looked away with pained eyes, but they all understood.

Yoohyeon hoped that this was really the case; that Minji did mean to tell them but got overwhelmed. They haven’t seen Minji since that night, and she told them now. Yoohyeon didn’t even want to consider that this was something that Minji would have chosen to struggle with on her own. Didn’t want to let her imagination run wild with if this was what Minji was willing to share with them then what was it that she was still keeping a secret. Already that this was something that happened a few days ago and Minji had been on her own with it since made Yoohyeon feel like they somehow failed Minji.

“Fuck, I’m so sorry Minji. I’m such a jerk,” Bora’s anger has turned towards herself, repeating her words form that night. “I didn’t even ask you how your night was before—”

“—You didn’t do anything wrong Bora,” Minji interrupted. “You were excited. It-it was great news.”

“If it didn’t come with the stipulation that the network’s producer was a fucking creep who only invited us to get close to you,” Siyeon was taking measured breaths, trying to keep her anger under control.

Minji’s lips quivered at that and Siyeon immediately opened her arms for Minji, who quickly buried herself in the main vocalist’s hold.

Tears stung Yoohyeon’s eyes as Minji body shook with silent tears. God how many times did Minji cry today. Yoohyeon had to wonder at how much pain she was carrying that she still had tears to shed.

They’ve learned more these couple of days about what Minji was keeping locked inside her more than the last weeks combined; what happened at the gala, Minji’s family, promotions that Minji didn’t want to do, therapy that didn’t go well, overwhelming relationship with Yoohyeon, so much guilt and self-blame. Was it even just weeks anymore? Yoohyeon couldn’t recall when the last time Minji was truly happy.

Yoohyeon didn’t know how to make this better, or how to comfort Minji. Should she show her anger? Should she show her sorrow? Should she hold Minji so tight in her arms and never let her go? Minji had literally been in a public space, surrounded by others when this happened. Minji was already rattled from the mobbing incident, and now with this Yoohyeon feared that Minji would not be feeling safe when it comes to interacting with outsiders any time soon. They couldn’t even promise Minji to protect her because they haven’t been able to. Neither them nor the company—The company.

“Minji… did you talk to the company about this?” Yoohyeon asked softly.

Minji whispered a “no”, her face still nestled in Siyeon’s chest.

“There is no way in hell are we doing this show,” Bora said resolutely, and all the others nodded.

They have mostly been quiet, but Yoohyeon didn’t blame them. Everything felt so fragile yet so heavy, and they didn’t want to make it worse for Minji, who they knew would be more upset about them being upset. Minji loved it when they dotted on her but never when it was because others were worried about her. But Yoohyeon could see it in Gahyeon’s glassy eyes, and Handong’s twitching fist that they were just as conflicted as she was about what to do.

Yoohyeon made eye contact with Dami, who right away caught her drift. They had just talked about Minji’s problem with the company the other night, and how they couldn’t trust them anymore.

“We should tell Tae Oppa to cancel it before they announce anything,” Yoohyeon suggested.

He was the only one with any power that she trusted right now, especially after their talk earlier when they told him some of their concerns about Minji and the company’s role in that. He had been very surprised to hear that Minji was that unhappy with the special clip, considering he had told Minji that she should refuse it if she didn’t like it after the meeting with the creative team. He had assumed she changed her mind, not that she did it despite hating it. Tae promised to do his best to directly help out more from now on.

Was that still the same day? No wonder Yoohyeon felt so exhausted even though she fell asleep for a bit in Bora’s arms.

“He’s going to want to know why,” Dami added.

Minji turned around in Siyeon’s hold, shaking her head and Yoohyeon prepared to launch into an argument. Minji was insane if she thought they weren’t cancelling this appearance. Yoohyeon was not going to let Minji near anyone from that network ever again. Matter of fact, she was already considering how they can make sure Minji was never alone for a solo schedule again if the company couldn’t be trusted to protect her.

“I’ll handle this,” Minji said in a quieter tone. “How long do they take before announcing the scheduled guests do you think?”

Yoohyeon frowned at the question. Did Minji not want this handled right away? Yoohyeon couldn’t even stand another second of knowing that show was on their schedule.

“I can ask around if you need to know, unnie,” Gahyeon suggested quietly. Out of all of them, Gahyeon was the most connected with other idols.

“Hmmm…” Handong’s lips were pursed.

“What is it Dongie?” Bora asked.

“I just realized Tae Oppa didn’t congr—didn’t talk to us about this schedule when were at the company earlier. The staff would’ve been excited too if they knew.”

Handong was right.

“So the company hasn’t officially received the invitation yet, even a few days later?” Dami narrowed her eyes. “But the CEO had texted us…”

“I think,” Minji cleared her throat. “H-He got the invitation directly from him.”

“Makes sense, with the timing…” Bora said. “We had the news before you even got home.”

“Son of a bitch!” Siyeon suddenly let out, starling everyone. She turned to Minji, the anger was clear in her words. “So that bastard wanted to corner you with this invitation as soon as possible by talking to the CEO so that you don’t say anything about him?”

“Or so that Minji knows that his offer is real and considers what he wants…” the words turned Yoohyeon’s stomach as they tumbled out of her mouth. The thought that someone would even consider that her girlfriend would accept something like that was unfath—

Yoohyeon closed her eyes, a wave of sadness suddenly washing over her, sending a shiver down her spine. She has been calling Minji by her name. Still thinking of Minji as her girlfriend in her head.

Maybe she was still not fully awake yet after all.

She only let the feeling crash into her for a few seconds. Something much more important was happening right now. When she opened her eyes again, her skin was covered in goosebumps that she tried to ignore.

But the heart ache triggered another line of thought. Minji broke up with her that night.

“Why—” Yoohyeon quickly bit her own tongue, the question almost slipping out of her thoughts without her conscious input.

Some of the others looked at her waiting for her to finish her question, but she shook her head.

But the thought remained. Why did Minji break up with her that night? From what Yoohyeon gathered and how Minji had been that night and every day after, the breakup wasn’t something Minji planned; she saw it for herself how shocking and devastating it was to Minji too, especially in the unprompted words of apologies that she tried to cover Yoohyeon with when they talked earlier. If Minji was going to talk to them about what happened after she came back from the gala, then what was it about Minji learning about the show invitation that pushed her over the edge so much that night that their relationship fell off?

Something wasn’t adding up and the frustration was making Yoohyeon’s teeth dig in her own lips. What was really behind Minji’s sudden words about not being a good partner to Yoohyeon, when Minji had started by saying that she felt stuck, and she was constantly trying to stop thinking, and then had spiraled from there? She had replayed that conversation so many times in her head over the last two days trying to make sense of it, and even now she didn’t feel any closer to the truth.

Yoohyeon took a deep breath to halt her thoughts. She was supposed to be supporting Minji, but instead she went on a self-centered tangent in her mind trying to find a reason that Minji hadn’t given her about the end of their relationship. Yoohyeon scolded herself for losing focus when Minji was sharing something with them.

“What do you wanna do unnie?” Siyeon asked, her words soft again.

“I-I need to talk to the CEO,” Minji answered. “I’ll schedule a meeting sometime this week.”

Yoohyeon felt her insides clench. Wendy was there that night and told them specifically not to trust their company or CEO. But she also remembered that the company was the one to cancel the Sunmi collaboration when they thought Sunmi was interested in Minji, which as it turned wasn’t the case and was just speculation; but this was much more real, the company would definitely do something about it, right? The thought that there had to be something Minji still wasn’t saying nagged at her again.

Yoohyeon was the first to speak what was on all their minds, “I don’t know if that’s a good idea, at least not alone.”

“I need to discuss some other things with him too…”

“Unnie, do you wanna push the comeback? We’ve talked about it, and we wouldn’t mind,” Siyeon said so softly.

Minji shook her head right away. “Not the comeback no. We and the fans have waited long enough—”

“Neither us nor the fans are gonna be happy if we do the comeback when you’re not doing well,” Bora cautioned.

“I’m fine,” Minji paused and frowned at her own hoarse words as if they were so automatic but she was hearing them for the first time. “Okay, no, maybe I’m not completely fine… But I want to do the comeback, I can handle it.”

“M—Unnie,” Yoohyeon sighed, and ignored the surprised looks on some of the members’ faces. They would have to get used to it just as she needed to. “If comeback preparations are stressful, comeback itself is ten times more. It’s every day for 3 weeks at least where we don’t properly sleep, our meal schedule is completely out the window, we are using 110% of our energy in singing and dancing live, and yet we still have to find even more energy to interact with the fans and do interviews and variety shows…”

“I know that, we’ve done it for years now...”

“Yes, but you weren’t getting panic attacks almost every day before,” Yoohyeon said as kindly as she can. She wasn’t trying to use it against Minji, she just wanted Minji to take the mental toll more seriously. “You weren’t getting these episodes that pull you away from the whole world… We just don’t want you to reach a breaking point.”

As if Minji hadn’t already these last couple of days. Yoohyeon didn’t need to point that out.

“I won’t,” Minji sounded confident. “I told you things are gonna be different from now on…”

“And we’re really glad to hear that unnie, really,” Siyeon stressed. “But…”

“You don’t trust me.” Minji nodded, her shoulders falling in resignation.

Yoohyeon’s hand clenched in frustration.

“What? It’s nothing like that.” Siyeon’s face fell, hurt clear on her face. Siyeon had watched over Minji from a distance the last couple of days, she of all people knew how bad it was for Minji. “We just want to see you get better first. Give you a chance to take a break and get your thoughts in order again, then we can do the comeback when you are at a 100% again...”

Minji shook her head. “I understand where you’re coming from, and I’m really grateful that you all are willing to push a whole comeback for me, but that’s not what I want. Not this comeback when we have so many eyes on us, and so many new fans anticipating our album. We need to capitalize on that—”

“Capitalize on that? Minji, do you hear yourself right now?” Bora questioned in disbelief. “Since when was this about ‘capitalizing’ on anything?”

Yoohyeon was frozen in her place. These words couldn’t be coming from Minji’s kind heart. Minji always cared about their fans on a level that none of them could match. It was never about money or numbers or wins. Minji held the same reverence for a fan whether they were with them from the very start, or even just heard them for the first time that same day. Hell, she had seen Minji care about people who weren’t even their fans at all. They had all expected Minji to be pushing for doing the comeback because she didn’t want to disappoint the fans who have waited rather long for them this time; not this.

Minji squeezed her eyes tightly shut, regret evident in how her hands came to her head in stress.

Yoohyeon immediately moved so that she was right next to her.

“Hey, let’s pause for a minute, okay?” Yoohyeon hesitated for a second, but then ignored the doubts and placed her hand on Minji’s back, and another on Minji’s arm. “It’s just us, we’re just talking. Nothing to be stressed over, okay?”

Minji leaned into her touch, head resting against the side of Yoohyeon’s. Everyone stayed quiet as Minji followed Yoohyeon’s instructions, and took some deliberate breaths in and out to calm down.

“I’m fine. Sorry…” Minji eventually said. But she didn’t move away from Yoohyeon, if anything she was leaning heavier against her. The hand Yoohyeon had on Minji’s arm moved to her hand, their fingers automatically intertwining.

“Unnie…” The worry was evident in Handong’s voice. “What is this really about?”

Minji was more subdued when she answered, “If we don’t do this comeback then everything I’ve done in the last weeks would have been for nothing…”

Dami frowned, “But you didn’t want to do these promotions anyway—”

“—And yet I did them. And it worked. The spotlight is on us. So much that—” Minji stopped herself and Yoohyeon didn’t want to know what she was going to say; not with how this conversation started in the first place. “P-please don’t throw away all the work I’ve done…” The words that started out cold turned into a desperate plea that left them all conflicted.

It was the first time Minji admitted to them that she was unhappy about the work she was doing. 

“Unnie, could you please tell us more?” Dami was gentler in her request. “We already figured out that you don’t want to do these promotions you are doing. I was with you for some of the schedules and I saw it…”

Minji was quiet and they let her process what she wanted to say.

“I— I know it has gotten us a lot of new fans, that it has been getting us the attention we’ve all worked so hard for. But…” Minji’s words were growing quieter with every word she said till she went silent again.

They didn’t try to finish her words for her. They all already knew by now, they just needed Minji to say it so that they could finally do something.

Yoohyeon’s heart ached at how difficult it was for Minji to talk, when Minji used to be so open with them, so good with her words and expressing her feelings. Right this moment, Yoohyeon missed every little cheesy thing that Minji used to say; they might have been cringe-worthy at times, but they always held a truth, just silly ways for her to express her love for them. It was such a small thing to think of right now, but Yoohyeon couldn’t recall what the last dad-joke that Minji had made was.

Minji closed her eyes, “It sounds ungrateful, but I can’t keep doing it. I’m happy to promote within Dreamcatcher, but I don’t want to do what I was doing on my own. Not-not when it’s not about singing.”

Yoohyeon felt a knot in her chest come undone. Finally. The next inhale felt like it actually filled her chest with air.

“You don’t have to, unnie,” Siyeon was the first to talk, her brows set in a deep frown. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. Not when it comes to something like this. Ever. It doesn’t matter if it’s getting us attention or money or whatever it is the company is trying to achieve.”

Bora added, “We were happy for you when your clip went viral. When we started seeing your face in magazines, your name trending after every interview. Yes, we were also benefiting from it as a group, but if that’s not something that you want, then fuck that.”

“Especially with this concept, unnie,” Dami’s words were sad. “You were uncomfortable with it, I don’t know how the company didn’t see that, how they insisted that you should look even sexier, even if it risked you getting hurt…”

Minji’s hand tightened around Yoohyeon’s unconsciously.

“Wait, what?” Gahyeon’s eyes bulged.

Dami looked apologetically at Minji, and Yoohyeon realized that this was what Dami had found out.

“Sooyeon unnie didn’t approve the choreography with heels for the special clip because Minji unnie wasn’t properly trained first,” Dami revealed, then turned to Minji. “And she was right to be angry because you fell a couple of times unnie, even while shooting. Any of these could have ended so badly…”

“What the hell?” Bora was representing the rest of them with her words. “Why would you put yourself at risk like that Minji?”

“It paid off…” Minji’s words were weak.

“Who suggested the heels?” Siyeon’s voice was so cold, that Yoohyeon almost felt bad for whichever staff member it was. Almost. But not so much when they did something that threatened Minji’s wellbeing.

Minji was even quieter when she said, “The—The CEO. He monitored my performance and thought it could be better…”

The reaction was instant, with Siyeon finally letting go of trying to keep her feelings in check and standing up. “What the actual fuck?”

“Since when does the CEO ‘monitor’ our work like that?” Handong asked in annoyance.

Gahyeon shook her head, “And to comment on how you look?”

It wasn’t that comments on their looks were anything new, with visuals being so important in this industry, everything was scrutinized. But it was never like that in their company. At most they were given advice on how they could improve certain things, but they were never told that they had to do something. Their staff gave them suggestions all the time, but it was merely that. Suggestions. Not ‘do this even if it might break your ankle’.

This was why Dami didn’t want Minji left alone at the company, Yoohyeon made the connection. She was trying to protect Minji from something like that happening again. There was no way any of them would let anyone scrutinize Minji like that if they were there. Even if it were the CEO.

Yoohyeon found that her hands were curling into fists when Minji’s other hand came to rest on top of hers. Yoohyeon willed herself to relax, realizing that she had held Minji’s hand a bit too tightly.

But it was difficult when she was so angry and frustrated. She knew there were still other things about the CEO specifically that they didn’t know. Whatever it was that Wendy tried to warn them about. Whatever Sunmi meant when she told them that she wasn’t the one they needed to worry about.

“Unnie, what exactly did he say?” Venom dripped from Siyeon’s mouth.

“It doesn’t matter right now,” Minji was pulling away again, Yoohyeon can feel it especially in how a cold replaced the warmth in her grasp when Minji she freed her hand from Yoohyeon’s. “I c-could have said no, but I didn’t.”

Dami exhaled in annoyance, “That’s what’s driving me crazy unnie. Why are you just going along with what they want if you don’t want to do it?”

“We are not trainees who have something to prove,” Gahyeon said strongly. “We’re the company’s biggest earners. That comes with some power, and you know it, unnie.”

“It’s in their best interest to keep us happy, especially with contract negotiations probably coming up soon,” Yoohyeon added.

Her words seemed to slam into Minji full force.

“We haven’t… we haven’t really talked about this yet,” Minji gulped. “What everyone wants to do…”

Bora laughed lightly, “Well of course we want to renew, but we have definitely earned ourselves a huge update in the terms by now.”

“I think it’s a bit early, and we’ve been busy with the comeback prep, but probably wouldn’t hurt if everyone started thinking of what they want changed in our group and individual contracts,” Dami said.

Minji was quiet. Too quiet.

In a way that made Yoohyeon’s head tilt curiously.

“Do you not want to continue with Dreamcatcher, leader-nim?” Yoohyeon’s words were light, a joke. Because the idea that Minji of all people wouldn’t want to stay as Dreamcatcher was so unbelievable.

Minji looked up sharply, but her words were low, “Of course I want to!”

“Then time to exercise some of that leveraging power,” Bora winked, keeping the atmosphere light, but Yoohyeon could see that Bora was very serious.

Minji nodded, “I’m going to talk to the CEO about my schedule and—and the show invitation, and everything will go back to normal. That’s why I would like to go on with the comeback. Please...”

They didn’t know how to argue against Minji with this, she seemed to be so determined and they didn’t want to take the choice away from her, but at the same time the worry was more prominent than ever now that they have confirmations of things they’ve only speculated on.

“Unnie, how about we agree on something?” Yoohyeon decided to compromise because there was only so much that they could push on without pushing Minji. They needed her to keep trusting them and that wasn’t going to happen if the one time she finally opened up to them, they decided everything for her. “We’re still in the final preparations. We have the next couple of days shooting for the album jackets, and then the MV shooting after that, then we have a few comeback interviews, our showcase prep and practices, and those youtube videos that we have to shoot while the editing and printing is being finalized. Can we just be more open with communication please? Talk after each thing on the To-Do list is done and you tell us if you’re still okay to continue?” Yoohyeon suggested.

Minji didn’t immediately reject the idea and instead looked like she was contemplating it.

Siyeon added, “And by the way, Miyeon unnie called me, and she arranged for an appointment with one of her close colleagues for the evening after tomorrow. It’s after hours, so we don’t need to be worried about being spotted or anything…”

Yoohyeon was surprised at how fast Miyeon managed that. Yoohyeon had called her before she fell asleep and with the help of Bora gave Miyeon some more information and their concerns about privacy so that she kept that in mind. But Yoohyeon remembered that back when she had gone to therapy, it took her a couple of weeks to get an appointment, and that was even only because a spot suddenly freed up. Yoohyeon was so glad that Minji didn’t have to wait long like that. Felt it was much more urgent that they got Minji help now.

“T-Thank you,” Minji said with a soft smile, looking at first Siyeon then turning to Yoohyeon with a grateful look. The corners of Yoohyeon’s lips automatically curled up in response. “And okay, about the checking in after we get done with a schedule.”

“Promise you’ll actually tell us if you’re not okay or if things are getting too much?”

Minji was more hesitant to agree to this. Yoohyeon knew that asking Minji to promise something was putting pressure on her, but she saw how seriously Minji took the promise before and it led them to talk right now, and this was as serious for her.

“Please, unnie?” Gahyeon chimed in with a perfect timing, because if there was someone Minji had a weakness for after Yoohyeon, it was the maknae.

Minji took a deep breath, “I will if you also promise to not overreact at everything that happens. I will get help, but I might still… might still get anxious about things, or even start getting a panic attack, and I would just need some time to calm down. It has happened before. It doesn’t mean we should cancel everything immediately.”

Yoohyeon was reminded of a couple of days ago outside the filming studio, when Minji did indeed start to get overwhelmed but managed to calm herself down with their help. Yoohyeon was so proud of her then, and Minji was glowing for that show filming afterwards. Yoohyeon wanted that for her again.

“Deal, unnie,” Yoohyeon said with a nudge of her shoulder to Minji’s, and the tension in the room finally broke. It was sad that they had to resort to deals like that to get Minji to take care of herself, but it was the way it was. As long as they were finally helping Minji.

There was so much they learned tonight, so much that Yoohyeon needed to process on her own or with another member without Minji there. So much that Yoohyeon still felt like she wasn’t doing enough with what Minji told them. Whether it was about that despicable man at the gala, or how the company was seeming more and more like they had little regard for Minji’s well-being, in particular. The choreography and high heels, and how Minji didn’t say no to things she didn’t want to do were things that Yoohyeon felt was imperative they addressed because it could keep happening as they continued the comeback preparations. But they hadn’t lingered too long on any of the things that came up, whether by the topic changing to yet another concerning thing, or Minji just dismissing their question with an ‘it doesn’t matter’ when it very much did. Yoohyeon had to pray that they were doing the right thing, hope that Minji will continue talking to them about these things till they got to the bottom of this.

“We should really get some sleep,” Bora announced with a yawn, her eyes on the clock. “We have to be up in a few hours.”

Yoohyeon winced as she saw the time. After a day like today, she would’ve needed to sleep for at least half a day to recover.

The members threw their mumbled good nights as they also realized the hour, but not without some sort of way of telling Minji they loved her on the way out, accompanied with a kiss to the head, a petting of her cheek, a squeeze of her shoulder, or a full tight hug from Gahyeon.

Yoohyeon saw how Siyeon lingered at her own bedroom door, and how Bora also did the same at their room. Only then did she see that just her and Minji remained on the couch. The wave of sadness came to meet her desolate shore again. It wasn’t that she and Minji always shared a bed, but it happened more often than not, especially recently. Yoohyeon worried about Minji not being able to sleep alone, or getting a nightmare, but she knew that Minji’s bed wasn’t her place anymore. But would Yoohyeon even remember how to sleep alone without the warmth of Minji’s body—

“S-Sleep well, unnie,” Yoohyeon said abruptly to cut off her own thoughts. She pressed a smile that was fake, even if the sentiment wasn’t. She couldn’t help the light but emotion-ladened touch to the back of Minji’s hand. She hoped Minji knew it was because she couldn’t say ‘I love you’ like the others did, not when what she would really mean was ‘I love you’.

She couldn’t wait for Minji’s response, not when the leader didn’t reply right away. Had to keep some of her sanity intact, because she wouldn’t be able to leave Minji if she looked up to see the look on her face that was reflected in the silence that answered her.

 Yoohyeon hoped that Siyeon could take care of Minji, and the brief eye contact she made with the main vocalist assured her Siyeon knew to do so.

Bora squeezed her arm when she reached the door and took her inside. The door closing effectively sealing Minji away from her for the night.

Yoohyeon didn’t object when Bora patted the spot next to her on her bed.

“She’s back with us, and not just physically. We are going to start helping her, and she will be okay,” Bora said in in lieu of a ‘good night’, knowing exactly where Yoohyeon’s thoughts were.

“We’re going to help her and everything is going to be okay,” Yoohyeon repeated, and for once it didn’t feel like it was a lie she was telling herself.

The relief of Minji talking to them coupled with the emotional exhaustion of the day didn’t leave more room for her mind to wander, sleep overtaking her despite her body objecting that it wasn’t Minji’s beside her.

Chapter Text

The wait wasn’t long, considering they showed up 20 minutes early because it was Minji’s first time in this clinic, but it was empty anyway since it was after-hours. Siyeon held Minji’s hand as Yoohyeon filled out the forms the secretary handed them after a warm greeting.

Yoohyeon was very glad that Siyeon was there, that Minji asked for Siyeon to come with them too, because Minji’s nervous fidgeting that had started in the car had been slowly turning into her whole body trembling as the minutes passed.

Siyeon was now hugging Minji, with comforting arms around her torso, and Yoohyeon had one hand on Minji’s lower back, the other now holding Minji’s free hand. Minji was so scared. Yoohyeon exchanged a look with Siyeon, both worried about Minji’s reaction. They were here to get her help, but this looked like it was triggering Minji’s panic instead. When Minji had said she had a bad experience with therapy before, Yoohyeon had just assumed it was making her reluctant to try again, not something that genuinely scared her.

The sound of the door opening made Minji jump in her seat, breaths coming in short burst. Yoohyeon frowned but was interrupted by the doctor making her way to them.

“Hello, I’m Dr. Son Hana,” the doctor introduced herself with a kind smile and then looked at Siyeon. “You must be Miyeona’s younger sister. She talks about you a lot.”

Siyeon loosened her hold on the leader and smiled back to greet the doctor. “Seonsaeng-nim, it’s nice to meet you. Thank you for fitting this appointment in your schedule on such short notice.”

“No problem at all. I understand with your occupation, this is a bit of a delicate situation,” the doctor said then turned to Yoohyeon.

“Kim Yoohyeon,” the short introduction was because Yoohyeon was busy thinking if they would be able to get Minji past the waiting room in her state. The doctor hadn’t even acknowledged Minji’s clear distress so far.

“Nice to meet you, Yoohyeon-ssi,” the doctor finally turned to Minji. “Then you must be Jiu-ssi.”

“M-Minji. Kim Minji,” Minji corrected with a wavering voice.

The doctor took the amendment in stride, “It’s a pleasure, Minji-ssi. Why don’t we all go inside my office and chat for a bit? I promise it’s much cozier in there.”

The suggestion came as a surprise to Yoohyeon, who was stressing about letting go of Minji, but even more so for Minji who looked up at the doctor with shock on her face.

“They can come with?” Minji’s voice was small, hesitant, yet hopeful.

The doctor smiled, “Sure, for now. Our goal today is just to get to know each other a bit, and for me to get an overview of what is going on so we can figure out a plan on how to help you best. Sometimes it’s easier for loved ones to explain the bigger picture of what has been happening first. If you want to have your friends in there with you then that’s fine. I want you to be comfortable here, Minji-ssi.”

Yoohyeon found herself smiling not just at how kind the doctor was, but how Minji’s breathing slowed at the words, her hand no longer a vice grip around Yoohyeon’s.

“Yes, please,” then Minji turned to them. “If-if you don’t mind.”

“Of course, unnie,” Siyeon’s response was quick and for the both of them.

Yoohyeon sighed in relief. This was going to be good for Minji. She could just feel it.

—————————

The doctor walked them into her office, and even with Yoohyeon beside her and Siyeon’s hand around hers, Minji was struggling to keep her breathing at a constant slow rhythm. Yoohyeon and Siyeon were with her, nothing was going to happen. Minji kept repeating in her head with every stuttered breath, but with the office door closing behind them, her fear became louder than the comforting presence of her members.

Get out! Get out! Get out now! A voice she hadn’t heard in a while begged her as her body moved towards one of the chairs in front of the desk.

A pull on her wrist stopped her, and she turned around to face Siyeon. Why were they doing this? She wanted to ask Siyeon to take her home, but they brought her here. Why would they do this to her? Why was it always those who were supposed to protect her who ended up hurting her like this?

“Let’s sit over there unnie,” Siyeon said with a calm, low voice, pointing at the opposite side of the room, where there was a comfortable looking couch that Yoohyeon was already occupying one side of and looking at her worriedly, and an armchair that was occupied by the doctor, who was pouring a liquid out of tea pot into small cups that were set on a glass coffee table.

Oh. This was different.

Minji gave a shaky nod and let Siyeon guide her to sit between her and Yoohyeon, both sitting flush next to her, despite the couch having plenty of room for all three of them. The warmth of their bodies felt like such a contrast against her cold skin. They were with her. Nothing would happen when they were there.

Minji’s eyes zeroed in on the movement from the doctor, who handed Yoohyeon then Siyeon a cup each. Bile rose up Minji’s throat as she also accepted the offered cup. She knew not to drink that.

“Be careful not to spill, Minji-ssi. It’s hot,” the doctor instructed gently.

Minji only then realized the cup in her hand was indeed very warm. She saw how the others held their cups by the little handles on the side, but Minji let it rest between her palms instead. The heat was jarring enough to keep her mind anchored on not spilling what she was now recognizing was barley tea from the smell.

The doctor started by introducing herself, and letting them know more about her background, and specializations. Minji listened very carefully to every word, filing things like university names and foreign cities in her head to look up later.

“Then you’ve known Miyeon unnie for a really long time, huh?” Siyeon asked.

“Yes, since medical school. We had fallen a bit out of touch while I was abroad, but thankfully managed to re-connect when I came back here last year,” the doctor replied with a smile.

Right, Miyeon knew the doctor. Minji trusted Miyeon. There was no reason to be worried.

Minji’s breathing had calmed enough by now, but she itched to replace the now cold, but still full, cup of tea in her hand with something warm again.

Minji hesitantly set down the cup on the table in front of them and held her breath. When no one commented on it, she exhaled slowly and leaned back on the couch, her muscles relieved with the rest they’re getting.

She tried to remind herself how this was a chance for her to start doing what she promised herself and the others to do. She reminded herself of how much love she had gotten from the other night’s conversation. Crying in Siyeon’s chest hadn’t been only because of talking about what happened at the gala, but because her entire body was flooded with a sense of relief that she hadn’t felt in forever. She had almost forgotten how comforting they could be with their protectiveness and understanding.

Even when they were frustrating her with wanting to push the comeback, she knew it came out of a place of genuine love. The more they talked, the more she found herself dropping her guard, safety enveloping her with the reminder that they weren’t trying to trick her with their words, but they were open in their concern for her and their feelings about what they were hearing, even if she was still not telling them about everything. And she knew that they knew it, could hear it in their questions, could see it in the little frowns and hands twitching. But it was the best she could do then, and that was why she knew she had to push herself now. For them and herself.

But Yoohyeon’s hand settling on her thigh made Minji immediately tense up again, eyes flitting to the doctor, but the doctor didn’t even stop talking.

“I will admit I do know a couple of your songs because of Miyeona, when you have new song releases, she kinda forces everyone to listen to them,” the doctor laughed.

Minji couldn’t take her eyes off Yoohyeon’s hand. Even with knowing that Yoohyeon’s action was more of a subconscious one to comfort her, the touch was burning hot on her leg. The discomfort grew so much that Minji had to remove the hand from her leg, only finding herself able to catch her breath when she did.

Yoohyeon gently withdrew her hand from Minji, who immediately missed the warmth in her hand. But the fear was proving to be capable of defeating everything else today.

“So, could you tell me about what’s been going on? Miyeona filled me in a bit on the symptoms that you are concerned about, but I’d like to get some context first,” the doctor requested.

She shouldn’t say anything, Minji knew how this would go. But another part of her reminded her that she was there to get help. What if it turned out the same as before? She got hurt before. But Yoohyeon and Siyeon were there with her, they wouldn’t let anything happen to her. But they just wanted her to get better, do better. This was just like last time again.

Seeing as Minji didn’t say anything, Yoohyeon started talking, looking to her every once in a while for input, but Minji couldn’t hear keep up with the conversation as well as the one she was having against herself in her head.

“I see…” The doctor hummed. “From what I understand then, Minji-ssi, you are already diagnosed with panic disorder?”

The stiffness of the seat she was on was not letting her be comfortable.

Minji’s leg jumped up and down as she was directly addressed. “Uhmm, kinda? D-diagnosed by our company’s doctor, but I-I never… it was never…”

The smell of incense filling the room was making her nauseous.

Minji stopped talking, feeling herself out of breath.

The wooden bookcase that lined the back of the room was filled to the brim with books. Minji didn't know how it was possible for someone to own so many books. She couldn’t even understand the titles, but she could recite the exact color order of the books on the shelves right above the office chair by now: 3 orange ones, 2 large brown one, 4 thin dark blue ones, 1 thick grey one, 8 thick black ones that had a gold line running through them, probably a part of a series—

Minji gasped out loud as the pressure changed in the room, cold air hitting her face, bringing her eyes back to focus, sound of cars and wind filtering in with all the other noises. Minji turned her head towards the source to find that the doctor stood next to a now opened glass window.

Minji snapped her head back towards the desk to find that there were no bookcase on the back wall, but instead only a couple of white shelves were there, holding some books, but also some plants on them. The room didn’t smell of anything other than of a subtle lavender smell, and the couch was rather comfortable. She wasn’t where she thought she was.

She heard Yoohyeon’s voice close to her ear, “You’re okay, Minji. You’re safe. We’re right here with you.”

With sensations coming back to her, she felt Siyeon’s arms which were wrapped around her waist from the side, and Yoohyeon’s hands, one on her face, and one held tightly in Minji’s hand. Too tightly. Minji loosened up her hold on Yoohyeon’s hand but didn’t let go.

“Better?” the doctor asked gently.

Minji nodded. She was shivering from the chilliness in the room against her clammy skin, but she didn’t feel like the room was closing in on her anymore. She wasn’t back there.

“Would it help if I left the window open?”

“Y-yes, please,” Minji said. Her teeth were clattering but Minji needed the openness right now.

Siyeon’s hand started moving up and down her back in an effort to warm her up.

But the doctor found a more practical solution, by bringing out a blanket from one of the cupboards on the side of the couch and handing it to Yoohyeon.

Yoohyeon immediately wrapped the blanket tightly around Minji’s upper body, Siyeon’s arms finding her body again to keep it secure.

“Thank you,” Minji said with eyes down cast, feeling silly about how she let her mind get the better of her when she was perfectly safe.

“Is there else anything I can do to make you more at ease here?” the doctor was so kind in her words and actions, yet Minji’s whole being was telling her to be wary.

She couldn't possibly fall for the same trick twice.

Her right arm was starting a familiar, abnormal trembling and she cursed under her breath as she clenched her fist.

“Unnie, are you okay?” Siyeon quickly asked, eyes on her arm.

“This was a mistake,” Minji said weakly. But she couldn’t get her limbs to cooperate to immediately get her up and out of there like she wanted. “I’m really sorry to waste your time, Seonsaeng-nim,” Minji added with an apologetic bow.

“Minji-ssi—”

“I can’t do this, I’m sorry,” her hand was starting to hurt from how tightly she had it closed.

“If you would like to leave, you’re free to do so. At any point. You’re here of your own free will to get help and you can decide what you want to do. If you are feeling too overwhelmed today and would like to try again tomorrow, I can be free at the same time. But—”

There we go. Minji squeezed her eyes tightly.

“Minji,” Yoohyeon called out to her. “We’re right here with you. Whatever you’re scared of, nothing will happen, and definitely not while we’re here with you. We would never let anything happen to you.”

Minji’s body was more inclined to listen to Yoohyeon than her mind. She opened her eyes, and the tears that escaped burned hot down her face.

Yoohyeon smile was so soft and Minji hated that she was being so unreasonable right now. She couldn’t even get help right.

“Can we go, please?” Minji pleaded.

Siyeon immediately got up, but Yoohyeon was more hesitant on her side.

Minji turned to her, “Please?” The tears that were falling down her face must’ve broken Yoohyeon’s resolve, the youngest of the trio nodding as she looked at Minji’s face.

Minji offered the doctor another apologetic bow, feeling guilty that she was reacting like this to the perfectly nice doctor. But she protected herself this time, that’s what mattered.

————————-

Yoohyeon and Siyeon offered quick apologies to the doctor and rushed after Minji.

What the hell just happened? Something was yelling at Yoohyeon to open her eyes, but she couldn’t see what it was that she was missing. Of all the puzzle pieces that she has been collecting, there was nothing that fit in this scenario.

Minji sat in the back of the car with her face buried in her hands. Siyeon had slid in beside her but didn’t touch the distraught leader, while Yoohyeon had the door to the car open and squatted down so that she was at an eye-level with Minji.

Minji’s whole body was still shaking, but at least Minji wasn’t panicking anymore.

“Minji?” Yoohyeon called out gently, needing to see Minji’s face.

Her heart was clenched in a vice grip with worry at what happened. She had never seen Minji react this strongly before, the panic coming in waves that even when they managed to help her ride them, another bigger wave came in again till Minji couldn’t take it anymore.

Minji’s voice was thick with tears when she said, “I’m sorry…”

“It’s out of your control, Minji. You don’t need to apologize,” Yoohyeon assured her. “Could you look at me please?”

She was aware of it this time that she was calling Minji by just her name again, but she didn't want any barriers between them. Needed Minji to feel all the love and care that Yoohyeon had for her. Because Minji was terrified, and Yoohyeon needed her to know that she would protect her as she had once promised while they were still together, that nothing changed that.

It took a few seconds, but Minji eventually pulled her face away from her hands. Her face was pale, and blotched red, but it was her eyes that scared Yoohyeon. Not in how they were bloodshot, but in how much despair they held.

“You—you can push the comeback,” Minji suddenly said. “Or do it without me even, it’s probably better that way.”

Yoohyeon and Siyeon immediately looked at each other stunned. This wasn’t what they wanted. While pushing the comeback was something that they suggested, they wanted it to be a way to give Minji time to take a break, get help, and recover. But the way Minji said it now wasn’t that at all. It sounded more like Minji giving up.

“Unnie, we would never be better off doing something without you,” Siyeon said in a definite tone. “But we can talk about the comeback later.”

“You wanted me to get help. I tried to keep it together, but I couldn’t. Nothing is going to change,” Minji’s words were so defeated and Yoohyeon couldn’t stand it. Couldn’t stand knowing that one of the strongest people she knew was getting overcome by the thoughts in her own head, and they couldn’t get her help.

Yoohyeon stood up suddenly. “I’ll be right back,” she said and with no more explanation ran back into the building and up the stairs to the doctor’s office.

She knocked on the door and waited while she caught her breath.

Dr. Son Hana opened the door, a phone to her ear, and her eyes widened in surprise at seeing Yoohyeon.

“Let me call you back in a bit,” Hana said to whoever she was with on the phone and hung up. “Yoohyeon-ssi, did you forget something?”

“Minji needs help,” Yoohyeon blurted out.

Hana was alerted at the words, “Right now? Where is she?”

Yoohyeon shook her head. “Sorry, she is fine right now, in the car downstairs with Siyeon unnie.”

Hana seemed to understand and gestured for Yoohyeon to come into the office.

“I can’t treat her against her will, Yoohyeon-ssi,” Hana said gently.

“I know. But I also know that she wants to get help. But obviously something about being here triggered her so much… she said she had a bad experience with therapy before, but I didn’t think… I didn’t think it could be so bad,” Yoohyeon hated that she wasn’t able to understand that from Minji’s words.

She missed something huge once again she was sure of it. Minji’s trembling arm brought back the memory of the first time that happened, when she had to go to the hospital for it. The doctors had said it was probably muscle fatigue and Minji did physical therapy for it, and it had hardly happened again since. But the whole situation had been so odd, especially with what Siyeon and Bora had told them about how scared Minji was.

“I’m sorry, but I can’t discuss Minji-ssi’s case with you unless she is present and/or has given permission like she had done earlier. Doctor-patient confidentiality,” Hana said apologetically.

“I know, I know. I just… She needs help. I am worried about how much worse she would continue to get without it. Miyeon unnie saw it for herself and I’m assuming that’s why she managed to get her an appointment so quickly, right?” Yoohyeon didn’t wait for an answer she wouldn’t get. “You saw how bad her panic attacks can get in the little time you spent with her. I don’t know what to do. But downstairs just now I heard her giving up for the first time. We’ve watched her fight against herself and whatever else for so long, and it was scary that she was doing it on her own, but this right now, seeing that look of hopelessness in her eyes, is so much more terrifying.”

“Are you worried that she would hurt herself?”

Yoohyeon paused, a cold washing over her at the thought. “No no. I don’t think so. God, I hope not… but in our line of work, things can turn so suddenly and without a warning. Trying to be professional all the time with the whole world watching you, waiting for you to mess up, and so many others depending on you being at your best all the time is isolating, and getting help seems impossible. And she already told me that she feels so alone… despite 6 of us who love her so much under the same roof as her, just waiting to jump at the opportunity to help her. I know Minji. This is going to make things so much worse when she was just saying the other day that things will be different from now on.

“She needs help, but she can’t get it here. Like physically can’t get it here. Is there any way that you could please just see her one more time, but somewhere outside of this office? I’ll pay you double your fee. Triple. No, whatever you want! Just anything to get her the help she needs and wants. Please—”

“—Yoohyeon-ssi,” Hana interrupted her. “Take a breath first, please.”

Yoohyeon right away inhaled, realizing that she had been rambling with no break.

“Good. Actually, when you came in, I was on the phone with Miyeon, telling her to suggest the same to you guys,” Hana smiled softly. “So while I appreciate your very generous money offer, it is not necessary. I’ve had patients before who can’t be in a closed space like this office, and I’ve always found them an alternative that they would be comfortable with.”

“Oh.” Yoohyeon felt a bit embarrassed at the rant she went on, but also reassured about the character of the doctor she was trusting Minji with.

“There’s a small, quiet park across the street that I would like to suggest. It’s close by to the office for the more formal parts, but it’s outside and hopefully this would be a setting that Minji-ssi would be more open to. We can arrange for the same time tomorrow again, or whatever fits in her schedule if she agrees, okay?”

Yoohyeon breathed out in relief and nodded. “Thank you… Thank you so much!”

She had told Minji she would be there for her every step of the way and that if something made Minji uncomfortable then they would find a solution. And she was doing just that. Yoohyeon still believed that this would be good for Minji.

——————————————————

When they had gotten home after a quiet car ride that was only broken up by Minji’s occasional sniffling as she continued to silently cry, Minji went straight to her room.

“What happened?” Bora asked, her face crinkled in concern at the tears that Minji didn’t try to hide.

“It was a disaster…” Siyeon sighed as she heavily sat on the couch.

Yoohyeon stared at the door of Minji’s room longingly but decided to give Minji some space.

She could see the hope get wiped off the members’ faces as Siyeon recounted what happened. So she added, “I spoke to the doctor and we’ll arrange for another session as soon as possible, but outside this time. Maybe it was just the office that triggered her and not the whole thing.”

Siyeon nodded, but Yoohyeon could see that she didn’t seem too optimistic.

“Unnie, come on, you can’t give up already,” Yoohyeon pleaded. They couldn’t just stop at the first hurdle they come across. Minji deserved all their dedication in this after having been their rock for years.

“I’m not, I promise. Even if that doesn’t work out, we’ll try out something else. I’d never give up on Minji unnie,” Siyeon said. “It’s just… it is yet another thing we don’t know about. She didn’t tell you anything else about that therapy she went to before?”

Yoohyeon shook her head. “She didn’t even make it sound like something bad had happened. Just that she didn’t like his style and he wasn’t helpful, and it was overall exhausting, this is why it didn’t cross my mind that going to a new therapist could become such an issue.”

Yoohyeon had no idea what could have possibly happened to get Minji to be this scared, but Yoohyeon found herself needing to find out what happened to make sure that it didn’t again.

“Do you think she’ll talk to us?” Dami asked, eyes stuck on the door to Minji’s room.

“I-I don’t think so. Not if she suddenly didn’t want to do the comeback anymore,” Yoohyeon said honestly.

“I’m scared,” Gahyeon said, and Handong wrapped an arm around her. “Dreamcatcher is so important to her, she was arguing so much for this comeback even though she knew she wasn’t doing well, but now there’s something that is so big that is overshadowing it?”

Yoohyeon couldn’t say anything when it was the same fear on all their mind.

——————————

The sounds of the birds chirping reaching her ears with the light breeze was very calming. It was a sharp contrast to yesterday, even with Dr. Son Hana sitting next to her on the bench. Minji’s eyes flitted to Yoohyeon and Siyeon sitting on a bench far away from them; far enough not to hear them, but close enough that Minji could still see them and have the security of their presence.

When Yoohyeon had brought up trying another session, tears had immediately filled Minji’s eyes as the feeling of being trapped came back to her. Yoohyeon telling her she “just wanted her to get better” did not help. They all wanted her to do better, even if she got hurt in the process.

But despite what the members may think, and what her actions may have shown, they were the only ones that Minji trusted. Especially with this. Minji’s brain couldn’t find a way to twist it to convince her that they would actually want to hurt her in that way. Besides, she owed Yoohyeon so much to not agree to try again, even with the risk. She couldn’t let her down again without trying her best first.

“Why don’t you tell me a bit about yourself, Minji-ssi?” the doctor spoke after they took the time to settle down.

 It was easier to at least answer the doctor’s inquiries today, Yoohyeon was right about giving this setting a try after all.

“I-I am 28 years old. I come from Daejeon. I am an idol, and the leader of the girl group Dreamcatcher…” Minji trailed off sheepishly, “But you already know all this.”

The doctor hummed.

“Sorry, I don’t know what else I’m supposed to say. That’s usually how I introduce myself.”

“There’s no right or wrong answers, don’t worry,” the doctor assured gently. “I’ve already heard a bit from your friends last time, but I would like to hear things from your side about what brings you here to me.”

“The members think I need help.”

“And you don’t agree?”

Minji paused and sighed. “No, I think they’re right. I know I need help. Things have been too difficult lately. But… it’s complicated.”

“In what way?”

Minji gave a sad smile, “You saw how it was yesterday. How I was. We all have to sit out here in the cold just so that I don’t panic again.”

“And you don’t like that? People around you adjusting things to make you more comfortable?” the doctor asked.

“It’s inconvenient. I’m responsible for all of them and yet I freak out about being within 4 walls with the doctor who is supposed to help me,” Minji kicked at the ground with the tip of her shoes, frustration with herself building up.

“Did either Siyeon or Yoohyeon-ssi complain about the adjustment?”

“Well, no… Yoohyeona was the one that suggested it and Siyeona offered to come with again,” Minji frowned.

“Then sometimes even if something might be a bit more inconvenient than normal, we might still be okay with doing it, especially if it’s for someone we care about, right?”

“Yeah…” Minji said, eyes again on her members who were watching a kid and a dog playing near them. “And you don’t mind?”

“Not at all. Honestly the change in scenery is a bit refreshing. I sit in the office all day anyway. But you don’t need to worry about me. My job here is to help you.”

“Right.”

“I know you might not be a 100% comfortable yet, but that’s okay. Trust takes time to be built between individuals no matter what the setting is,” the doctor said kindly. “I just ask you that if you do start to feel too uncomfortable or anxious or scared at any point to let me know and we can pause and evaluate what to do to fix that. Therapy is meant to push at the boundaries of your comfort zone sometimes yes, but you should always feel safe during our sessions, alright?”

Minji twiddled her fingers as she took in the doctor’s words.

“Minji-ssi?”

“You can just call me Minji,” Minji offered.

“Okay then Minji. You can also drop the formal honorifics and talk more casually with me,” the doctor smiled. Everything about this doctor so far was gentleness and kindness, and a calm was blanketing Minji despite her brain trying to keep her alert. “Do you understand that we can stop at any point that you want? I think with your panic attack yesterday I need to stress this point.”

Minji admitted, “I… I wasn’t feeling safe yesterday.”

“And today?”

“It’s better. Not being in the o-office…”

“Was it the office itself that triggered you or being at therapy?” The doctor asked.

“Both… I-I had a… bad experience before and I guess it stuck with me.”

Bad experience was putting it too lightly and they all knew that by now.

“I’m sorry to hear that. I understand it must be difficult if the person who is supposed to help you ends up making things worse,” the doctor was empathetic in her words. “Is this something you would like to discuss first? Any concerns you have from this previous therapy that you would like to address?”

Minji’s leg shook. She shouldn’t do this. What if this doctor agreed with what the other one said? But that was all the more reason to actually talk about it, to figure it out from the very beginning before she opened up to this person who might end up using what she said against her. She wasn’t going to be comfortable without the knowledge.

“I can’t change who I am,” Minji blurted out.

“Okay…”

“And I don’t want to change who I am.”

“Okay…”

“I need help with getting my thoughts in order. With the panic attacks. With these feelings that I am drowning under. I want to get better,” Minji took a deep breath. “But I don’t need help with who I love.”

Her eyes unconsciously found Yoohyeon. It seemed like Yoohyeon and Siyeon were practicing the arm movements of their new choreography from their seat on the bench. Minji smiled at how dedicated her group members were.

The “okay” this time came after a short pause.

Minji turned back to the doctor. “And I am not going to say yes to any treatment without discussing it with them before,” Minji pointed at the two members.

The doctor tilted her head at that, “What kind of treatment are we talking?”

Her heart rate picked up at the doctor’s question, but she pulled all the courage she had from Yoohyeon and Siyeon being nearby to stay firm. “Any,” Minji stressed.

 “So just for my understanding, you’re open to me prescribing you medications to help you, but you would like to get your friends’ opinion first?”

Minji’s eyebrows dipped. Was the doctor being dense on purpose? “Well that too yes…”

“That too? I’m afraid I’m not following you very well on this point. The only things I would use to treat you besides our talking sessions would be medications and maybe some exercises that I think could help you with your anxiety and panic attacks,” the doctor explained with a frown.

Minji stared at the doctor trying to gauge if she was telling the truth. But she couldn’t trust her own judgment. That was why she said that she would want to discuss with the members.

“Minji, it seems like you have something specific in mind that you don’t want to do. A treatment that you’ve already tried before?”

Minji hesitantly nodded.

“Could you tell me what it was?”

That door was locked, chained, and hidden away for good measure, yet the question put so much tension that one of the links snapped. Minji had to rush to where she was hearing the door rattling, having on purpose forgotten its place by avoiding it for so long. She grabbed at the rusty chain with her bare hands in an attempt to keep it closed.

“Minji?”

Her arm trembled with the effort she was exerting.

“Minji, we are outside in the park,” The doctor’s voice was far away. “Can you feel the cold air?”

It was cold yes; she could feel that as she struggled with keeping the door locked.

“Can you hear the birds?”

She heard the birds earlier, but right now the door was rattling so loud, as if whatever was behind it was trying to take this moment of weakness to try and break out. She knew there were birds, she should be hearing the birds. Minji’s hold on the chain weakened as she tried to focus her hearing till she finally heard the birds chirping.

“Good, very good Minji. Now what about that dog running over there? What color is its fur?”

She would have to turn away from the door if she wanted to see anything else, but Minji was terrified that if she moved then she won't be able to keep it closed.

“What are Siyeon and Yoohyeon-ssi doing right now?”

This question distracted her from her task. If Siyeon and Yoohyeon were nearby, then they would help her. The landscape faded around her as the park came back into view. She squinted as her eyes objected to the sudden brightness, but she didn’t even let her eyes adjust before she tried to find her members. She found that both Yoohyeon and Siyeon were standing up in their places, looking straight at her. They were there. They were watching over her even though they seemed like they were busy doing other things before.

Minji held her shaking right forearm in her left hand as she leaned forward and tried to slowly breathe in through her nose and out through her mouth.

“Minji, are you back with me?”

“I-I can’t…” Minji whispered out, begging the doctor to not ask again.

“We don’t have to talk about it right now if you don’t want to.”

Minji nodded as she continued trying to calm herself down. When she looked up to seek some assurance from the members’ presence, Yoohyeon raised a questioning thumbs up at her, and Minji took a few seconds but returned the gesture, albeit with a shaking hand.

The doctor thankfully gave Minji a few more minutes to calm down before she spoke again.

“Minji, I need to clarify this. Just as I told you that we can stop at any time, that also applies for any treatment I may recommend. You are in full control here. You can always say no. I can’t make you stay, and I can’t force you to take medicine or do anything that you don’t want. Even if I think it will help you, you are entitled to refuse it.”

“You can’t treat me if I refuse?” Minji’s head tilted at the statement.

The doctor’s eyebrows dipped slightly at the question, but then she gently explained. “No, I can’t. It’s up to you. I am only here to support you and give you the tools that you could use to get better. As long as it is not an emergency and you are, to the best of my knowledge, at full mental capacity to make this decision. If anything, I have to get your permission to do anything.”

“C-could you explain that more to me?”

The doctor nodded. “Before I can start any treatment, I am obligated to explain to you what the treatment is, what it is for, what we are expecting it would do, so that you could understand and then you have the right to decide whether you want it or not. I can’t force you or coerce you into accepting. Only if you are not competent to make the decision, would I consult a medical proxy or your family for their decision, or if it’s an emergency where immediate treatment is needed to save your life.”

“How… how would you… how would you decide if you think the person is…” Minji searched her mind for the word, but she couldn’t say it when it was behind the door that was already losing its shape again. “…not competent?”

The frown was immediate to the doctor’s face, and she paused for a second before she spoke again. “There’s an extensive assessment if there is no immediate reason for me to suspect that a patient is unable to make a decision because they are for example under the influence of drugs or heavy alcohol consumption or if they’re undergoing specific psychiatric conditions that would interfere with their ability to reason. But just having any psychiatric condition, or being at a psychiatrist’s office, doesn’t mean a patient isn’t capable of or have the right to make their own decisions.”

Minji mulled on the doctor’s explanation, the information contradicting with what she knew. What she was told.

“Minji, do you have the answer to your question or is there something you would like me to expand more on?”

Minji was glad the doctor asked that as she was starting to think that maybe she was being disrespectful by questioning the doctor like that.

“The assessment… what would it be?” Minji asked hesitantly, not sure if the doctor was allowed to give her such information.

Minji hadn’t realize that she had completely calmed down till that moment. Her arm only slightly twitching now, and her breathing was normal.  

“There’s critical information that a psychiatrist would need to know and document to determine a patient’s mental capacity. It’s basically first, I would need to know if the patient is able to make decisions at all by expressing what they would like to do, so like by agreeing or disagreeing. Second, I need to see if the patient can understand the information about the condition or the treatment that I gave them. Next, then would be making sure the patient also knows what the consequences of their decision, so if they refuse treatment, they know how it could get worse for example. And generally throughout all of this, I would be looking to see if the patient is able to use logic and be rational while they make their decision.”

Minji was quiet. She was so confused. Not with the doctor’s explanation, no that was very clear. But with now knowing this information that conflated with what happened to her. She wouldn’t have needed to go through what she did if she knew this. She felt so stupid right now.

“Thank you for explaining,” Minji finally said weakly.

“You’re welcome. You can always ask me to explain things if you don’t understand, okay? If there’s something that I can’t tell you for some reason I will just tell you exactly that, so there is no harm in asking.”

Minji nodded, her defenses against Dr. Son Hana crumbling to the ground, despite all the mistrust that was left under her skin from the last therapist.

“I am not going to ask you for details right now since you don’t want to talk about it. But may I assume that this is something that has happened with you? That you underwent a treatment against your wishes?”

“Y-yeah,” Minji found herself admitting. “I didn’t know all of this…”

“I am so sorry that you went through something like this Minji. That is not only a complete breach of trust by your previous doctor, but also highly illegal,” Dr. Hana seemed a bit angry as she said that. “When you are ready to talk about it and give me more details, I can explain things to you with more specifics for your situation and present you with some options if there is something you wanted done about it.”

Minji shook her head, “I just wanna forget about it. I thought I put it behind me, that I had other more pressing things to worry about. But now I think it was there all along… What Siyeona and Yoohyeona told you about me just sometimes disconnecting from the world, it-it started then.”

“Sometimes our minds try to protect us when something really stressful or traumatic is happening. Could you describe to me what is happening during these episodes?”

“It’s like what they told you, I just feel like I slowly stop being there anymore. Like my body stops becoming my own, and sometimes when it’s really bad I barely even have control anymore,” Minji recalled what happened just this week, when she was at Sunmi and before then, the night of the gala, “I can’t hear, my vision gets all weird, and I can’t feel anything. Like I’m watching myself as if I’m not me?”

Dr. Hana hummed. “Do you find that it is something that happens on a daily basis or in specific situations?”

“Not every day no, but it has been happening more often.”

“Is there anything specific that triggered some of these episodes? Maybe a lot of sudden stress or situations where you were uncomfortable?”

Minji sighed. Of course, she did. “Yeah… I’ve had to—I’ve had to do a lot of things I don’t want to recently. At work. Photoshoots especially, the cameras start flashing and…” Minji shrugged.

“And it was easier to just mentally check out than be consciously present for these occasions?” Dr. Hana asked kindly.

Minji thought about it for a second then nodded, realizing that she was unconsciously doing just that. She didn’t want to be there, and so she wasn’t.

“And the panic attacks? Your friends said you’ve had them for a couple of years now, but they were never this frequent. What do you do to manage them?”

“I…” Minji felt a bit silly. “Honestly, I’ve kinda just relied on Siyeon the last years. She usually knows how to calm me down. Yoohyeona too in the last couple of months when they got worse, she…” Minji looked to find Yoohyeon, who was just chatting with Siyeon. “She’s been especially patient with me.”

“I’m glad you have people in your life that you can rely on with something like this,” Dr. Hana said. “But you’re not on any medication or anything to help with your anxiety and these panic attacks?”

“I—no… They used to be so few and far in between that it wasn’t really worth it, the medications and side effects... Our job is really stressful, it gets to everyone at some point or another.”

Dr. Hana didn’t seem like she agreed based on the frown on her face. “And when they got more frequent?”

Minji’s shoulders dropped, knowing that she really hasn’t been taking care of herself at all. “It was after… after the last therapy,” Minji’s stomach turned. “I didn’t—I couldn’t…”

Dr. Hana nodded solemnly. “You didn’t trust someone else to help you after what happened before?”

Minji nodded, glad that she understood without Minji needing to justify herself. “The company’s doctor gave me some tips and breathing exercises to help when they first started. And it helped if it was something small, but most of the time it wasn’t enough…”

“You mentioned that there is a lot of things that you have to do at work that you are not happy with, but you said this was recent. Is there a reason for this?”

And that was the root of the issue. Minji knew the reason behind all her stress, but things have spiraled way beyond her control till there was only one thing left for her to do. Break her own heart and Yoohyeon’s with it.

“T-There’s something you should know about me in order for things to make more sense.”

Dr. Hana looked at her attentively, a gentle smile on her face, but Minji’s heart was hammering in her chest, fear tying her tongue into a knot.

When Minji stayed quiet unable to say the words, Dr. Hana offered, “Is this about what you said earlier? About not needing help with who you loved?”

Minji’s head whipped towards Dr. Hana in shock at having been read so easily. “How did you…”

“It is a very distinct thing to say,” Dr. Hana said kindly. “I imagine maybe because you’re an idol, being in the public eye leaves you with little freedom when it comes to certain things like your love life, as far as I know. But again, I don’t know so much about the intricacies of your profession, I apologize, you’re gonna have to help me out with the details.”

“Yeah, but it’s a bit more than that…”

This was it. The one sentence that would lower down her shield and leave her vulnerable again.

“I’m in love with Yoohyeon,” Minji threw the truth out there and internally cowered.

Without missing a beat, Dr. Hana asked, “Does she know that?”

Tears stung at Minji’s eyes. “Yeah, she feels the same. We are dating—” she twisted the handle of the invisible knife in her chest. “—were dating… till a few days ago.”

Dr. Hana quirked an eyebrow at that, “That must be a lot to deal with on top of everything on your mind. But I have to say it’s just very surprising…” Minji braced herself. “Considering that she’s here with you, and yesterday… She cares a lot about you.”

“Yoohyeon is infinitely understanding and patient,” Minji couldn’t help the soft smile as her eyes found the younger girl. “And I haven’t been the best to her. But I haven’t told her why. I haven’t told her that I have been trying to protect her.”

“Protect her from what?”

“From losing everything. Not just her, but all of them—the members. I’m their leader, I have to think of everyone.”

“What about you?” Hana asked.

“Me?”

“You only mentioned the others. Even when you were introducing yourself, the longest part was within the context of Dreamcatcher. So I am asking about you. Are you protecting yourself too?”

All her selfless acts were mixing with her selfish ones and Minji didn’t know the answer to that except, “I-I am now. I broke with Yoohyeon… and it was to protect myself, this wasn’t for anyone else but me. She’s better off without me anyway, but I mainly did it for me.”

Hana hummed but stayed quiet, leaving Minji with a space that she felt like she needed to fill with justifications. But for that she would need to tell Hana what was happening.

Minji stared at Yoohyeon, watching as some strands of her hair were caught by the light breeze, as she listened to Siyeon talking. Bare faced, with only some slight redness on her cheeks from the cold, Yoohyeon was most beautiful like that for Minji. Inside and outside. The best thing in Minji’s life. And the regret filling Minji felt like it could multiply forever till it made up her entire being for losing her like she did.

And so Minji kept staring at Yoohyeon as she told Hana everything about what happened in the company from the day she first kissed Yoohyeon after loving her for so long, to the day she called Yoohyeon her girlfriend in a random company hallway, to how everything turned to hell after that, till how she couldn’t handle it anymore and pulled the plug on her life support.

Minji never took her eyes off Yoohyeon, even when the endless tears blurred her vision. Like she was telling all of this to Yoohyeon directly, getting everything off her chest like she has needed to for months. Like she should have done from the very start instead of letting fear control her. Like the person she should have been for Yoohyeon all along.

Minji confessed her struggles, the mistreatment, her sins and shortcomings for much longer than a therapy session should go given how both the sun and the moon witnessed her wish of letting the person listening be able to actually help her this time.

‘And to help Yoohyeon too,’ Minji added to the end of her prayer, knowing that she wasn’t going to be able to be the one to alleviate Yoohyeon’s pain right now.

Minji looked away when Yoohyeon looked back at her as if she heard her thoughts. Minji was too ashamed to face Yoohyeon just yet.

But she was going to work on being that person who can proudly look Yoohyeon in the eyes again.

——————————————

Minji had looked absolutely drained after a much longer session than Yoohyeon expected. But Yoohyeon wasn’t upset about the wait, even if her toes had started to feel so numb from the cold that she had to get up and start doing the choreo just to keep warm. Yoohyeon was just glad that Minji was talking to the therapist and hadn’t asked to leave again. She would sit out in the cold all night if it would help Minji.

Minji didn’t look at Yoohyeon or say anything about the therapy other than she had another session scheduled the following day. A surprise that was assuring, with knowing that it went well enough that Minji was willing to go back again, but also worrying with how soon the next appointment was. Yoohyeon worried if the doctor would only do that if it were urgent. At least they had no schedules in the morning and Minji could get some much needed rest, considering how fast she fell asleep in the car.

Now they were back in the car again, a day later, and after only an hour and a half of Yoohyeon and Siyeon entertaining themselves with silly games in the park but making sure to not get distracted enough to miss if Minji needed their help.

They were left in an odd silence after Siyeon went up to the dorm but neither of them had made a move to follow. Awkwardness between them was not something that has happened since their early debut days. But Yoohyeon was feeling on edge after the conversation they had with Hana at the end of Minji’s session.

‘Anxiety and severe panic disorder’ were a relief to hear as an official diagnosis that Minji could finally get help with, ‘some sort of dissociative disorder’ was expected from what she researched herself, but the ‘clinical depression’, ‘needs immediate treatment’, and ‘would strongly recommend taking time off from work’ were a full 1-2-1 punch combination to the gut. Especially that Yoohyeon knew that Minji would refuse the last suggestion. The only upside was that Yoohyeon knew that Minji would have had to give permission in order for the doctor to discuss things with them like this. Minji wanted them to know what was going on. She even asked them for their opinion on Hana’s treatment plan before agreeing.

“Minji…” her name was so heavy on Yoohyeon’s tongue.

“Yeah?” Minji wasn’t still not looking at her. Hasn’t looked at her since last evening.

Yoohyeon didn’t even know what she wanted to say. She was scared for Minji. Yoohyeon didn’t know the extent of whatever Minji was going through after all. She needed Minji to not just know that she was there for her, but to also really believe it.

“Can I—Can I hug you?”

The fact that she felt like she had to ask obviously disturbed Minji as much as it disturbed her because Minji’s face crumbled.

“I fucked things up that badly, huh?” Self-deprecation wasn’t a good tone from Minji.

Yoohyeon hated the defeat that has been coloring Minji’s words these last days. Hated that their frayed relationship was a major source of it.

“You didn’t,” Yoohyeon would repeat this as many times as Minji needed to hear it. “But you don’t wanna look at me, and I don’t want to make you uncomfortable if you maybe need some space right now,” Yoohyeon answered truthfully. “Because the hug is for me. Because I need to hold you right now.”

Minji finally looked up, her eyes sparkling in the dark, but not in the way Yoohyeon loved. The unshed tears were catching the parking lot light and reflecting Minji’s sorrow back, and Yoohyeon’s body protested that her brain was stopping her from immediately bridging the distance between them.

Minji’s voice was carrying weeks of exhaustion as she said, “You never have to ask me, Yoohyeon. I know I ruined our relationship, but I still lo—” Minji interrupted herself with a grimace, the tears falling as she looked away.

Having gotten permission, Yoohyeon’s hands were quick to Minji’s face, turning her head back to face her.

“Please…” Yoohyeon swallowed any self-preservation she had. “Please don’t turn away from me,” she wasn’t just talking about right now. “You can say it, it won’t hurt me.”

That was a lie. But not hearing it would hurt her as much as hearing it, so she might as well go with the option that will feel better.

“Yes it will,” Minji whispered, her head lulling forward in Yoohyeon’s hands till her forehead was resting against Yoohyeon’s, as if the knowledge added too much of a weight on Minji’s head.

“Maybe… but I would never not want to hear you say these words if you want to say them,” Yoohyeon kept her voice low considering their proximity. “I don’t want you to hold anything back, Minji. I want you to feel whatever it is you feel. The good and the bad. And I want to be there for you. If you don’t hold back then I won’t have to feel like I should either. I want to keep being here for you, Minji. If-if you’ll let me…” the insecurity seeped into her words at the end.

She knew that she couldn’t be Minji’s savior in this journey. Didn’t even feel like she need to play that role when Minji was more than capable of doing it herself. But it didn’t mean that Yoohyeon didn’t wish to be the shoulder Minji could lean on when she was getting tired. The hands under Minji’s if she had too much to carry. The extra muscles on Minji’s back if she couldn’t stand upright by herself anymore.

Because Yoohyeon loved Minji like she has never loved anything or anyone else in her whole life.

“I talked about you today… a lot,” Minji said.

The words pulled at the edges of Yoohyeon’s lips. “Did it help?”

Yoohyeon felt the nod against her face. “I-I hope that it’s okay with you? That I told her about… us.”

Yoohyeon frowned at the uptick in Minji’s voice. “Of course! She didn’t say anything bad, did she?”

Yoohyeon didn’t sense that the gentle doctor, who was willing to work overtime multiple times a week and hold sessions outdoors in the cold to help Minji, was that kind of person, but she just wanted to make sure. There were too many uncertainties surrounding Minji’s life these days and Yoohyeon had sworn to be extra vigilant after seeing how scared Minji was in the doctor’s office the other day.

“Not at all,” the relief was evident in Minji’s voice.

“Good,” Yoohyeon caressed Minji’s cheek. “It’s important to be honest about what’s happening, and what you’re really feeling in these sessions so that she could help you best.”

“I talked to her about how I didn’t know what I should do about us… how much I can keep burdening—leaning on you,” Yoohyeon smiled softly at the self-correction, “when I am the one who broke us up.”

Yoohyeon swallowed and waited. Part of helping Minji was going to have to be respecting the decisions she would make for her own sake.

“She told me I should do whatever feels right for myself, but not to assume your feelings, especially when I am so… confused and overwhelmed right now,” Minji pulled back to look her straight in the eyes. “I don’t wanna hurt you anymore that I already have Yoohyeon. So I don’t know how to answer you. I don’t want to push you away, but I also don’t want to be the reason you’re in pain.”

“Minji… these last days have been a lot, right?” Minji nodded. “This is the third day in a row that you go to therapy, the first day that you don’t have a panic attack during, but you walked out with 4 different diagnoses and a whole treatment plan. We picked up the meds you’ll start taking. Your throat is all messed up from all the talking. You’re exhausted, completely burnt out to the point that we now have instructions to reduce your work as much as possible at least, if not completely get you time off work. All this just today, and you’re thinking about me and whether I’ll be hurt if you lean on me right now?” Yoohyeon smiled in amusement.

Minji nodded sheepishly but was serious when she answered her, “It’s very important for me… not hurting you anymore. You have been… everything. And I don’t know if I’m now just taking advantage of your kindness or not.”

Yoohyeon’s heart beat in a way that moved her closer to Minji, a hand slipping down from her face to her side.

“I’m offering, aren’t I?” Yoohyeon asked so gently. “I don’t know the right answer either Minji. I’m also just doing what feels right for me. And being away from you, especially in a time like this, won’t feel right. I just need you to focus on yourself right now and lean on us whenever you need to. There’s 6 of us. If you feel like you’re relying on me too much and that’s making you feel guilty, then there’s Bora and Siyeon unnie.

“If you feel like you need a quieter kind of support, then Dongie and Dami are right there waiting for you to tap them in. And even Gahyeon, I know you wouldn’t want to burden her since she’s the youngest, but you know how good of a listener she is and how she would do anything for you. And-and if you ever feel like I’m the one you need, I am right here beside you. Please trust me to know what I’m capable of handling. And the members are also watching out for me too, so don’t worry.”

She half-expected the words to make Minji cry again, so the soft smile was a surprise.

“Thank you,” Minji said with such sincerity, a deep intake of air following her words as if Yoohyeon just unlocked the secret to breathing for her, and not just repeated words that were so obvious. “I do trust you, Yoohyeon. But I think I’ve been forgetting to show it.”

Yoohyeon didn’t object to the sentence, felt it imperative that she didn’t just always try to make Minji feel better, that the truth was important too sometimes. But she also knew that Minji needed to be handled with love and kindness right now. That she was battling so many demons, mostly in her own head, and they needed to show her that they’re there for her even if it was obvious for them.

“Tell me if you need space, and I’ll do the same.” Minji’s voice dropped as she added, “And… I do love you, Hyeon.”

The words pushed the air in and out of Yoohyeon’s lungs. Words that were better than the hug she asked for. Words that she didn’t know how much she actually wanted to hear, when they weren’t laced with only pain.

Minji continued, “And it’s hard for me to not be with you. But I don’t have the right to complain when I’m the one keeping us apart; when I can’t possibly offer you the same level of support that you’re giving me right now.”

“You’re forgetting all the times that you’ve supported me before,” the tears stung Yoohyeon’s eyes because Minji has done so much for her over the years, much more than just her duties as a group leader. “There are times when one of us would need more support than normal, and all of us would be there in a heartbeat, right? Bora unnie’s slump after the ‘Hit the Stage’ invitation not panning out. Gahyeon’s struggle with her weight and diet. Dongie not being able to go see her family and feeling so homesick that she cried every night after being on the phone with her mom. Me… Me being disappointed after the company passed over a solo song for me once again because they don’t think it will do well.”

Minji didn’t know that Yoohyeon knew how hard Minji had fought for her to get the solo song she wanted, how much planning and discussions Minji had with the company, that even when it didn’t work out, Yoohyeon ended up with pre-approvals for any special clips she wanted to do that year. Minji didn’t tell her what she was doing behind the scenes, only patiently listened to Yoohyeon’s complaints, assured Yoohyeon that the rejection had nothing to do with her talents, that Yoohyeon could put out a whole solo album, and nudged Yoohyeon to suggest original songs as special clips as an alternative, something Yoohyeon hasn’t done till now.

Minji’s hand found her own, offering a light squeeze in sympathy at the mention, and Yoohyeon had to shake her head in disbelief that this woman, who was being so considerate of her even when she had no more room on her plate, thought that she wasn’t a good person.

Yoohyeon continued, “You have done so much for me already.” It might have been a difficult couple of months, but Yoohyeon didn’t forget all the times before when Minji held her to comfort her. Every time Minji wiped her tears. Every time Minji told her she made her the happiest person on this planet. Every time Minji made her feel so loved that Yoohyeon felt she was invincible against all the harsh words thrown her way. Every time Minji supported her in growing into the person she wanted to be without fear of Yoohyeon changing so much that it would threaten their relationship. Yoohyeon wouldn’t forget, even if Minji did.

“And I would be grateful if you let me do the same for you,” Yoohyeon said, then smiled nostalgically. “Before we got together, I loved you a bit too loudly sometimes. You always caught me watching you, you knew that sometimes I was doing things just to make you happy… and even though there was nothing between us, and you owed me nothing, you made sure I knew that my feelings weren’t unappreciated or one-sided. You showed your own feelings whenever you saw them written on my face because I couldn’t contain them anymore.

“You don’t know how much the willingness to be open and that kindness you offered me meant to me. How much it changed my thoughts on being emotionally vulnerable with people. I have learned so much from you over the years, and I just want to be the kind of person you were for me, for you right now. So I don’t want you to hesitate to tell me your feelings, or that you love me, or ever wonder about my love for you either.”

Her mind was always jumping to the worst-case scenario because if she knew what the worst that could happen was, she could prepare for it. And it did the same after the conversation with the doctor, and she was still trying to wrap her head around it because she absolutely refused to give the scenario where she would lose Minji forever so much thought, wanted to find a different worst-case that she could live with. But the first thing she realized was that she wouldn’t be able to handle the regret. If Minji were to be drowning under her own thoughts, feeling all alone, and Yoohyeon hadn’t told her enough times that she loved her.

Yoohyeon didn’t want to live with any regrets. “I love you, Minji.” 

That beautiful sparkle was back in Minji’s eyes, and it made all this opening herself up to potentially getting hurt again worth it. Yoohyeon had initially asked to hug Minji, but she was the one that ended up in Minji’s arms.

The request for a hug was intended to tell Minji that she was not alone in the mess in her head, but instead it was Yoohyeon’s cracked heart that was receiving sutures of gold speckled assurance. She hadn’t meant to start a conversation about their relationship or her current place in Minji’s life, knew it took one to two to even three steps back to Minji’s mental health and whatever else was going on. But Yoohyeon couldn’t help but be relieved that it was something that was at the forefront of Minji’s mind, since she took the time to talk to Hana about it so soon.

Yoohyeon also knew this moment was unique, that they were both feeling open and optimistic after Minji finally talking with someone who was already starting to help her and that they both felt like they could take on the world; but she also knew that this could all change come morning with its struggles, work with its ugliness, and people with their selfishness. But tonight, Yoohyeon got a glimpse of the person Minji was working towards becoming and saw that her place remained unchanged in Minji’s life, and her heart was feeling a bit more restored with this golden glimmer of hope.

Chapter Text

Minji was clutching her stomach, gasping for air from how much she was laughing at the ridiculousness that just happened in the kitchen. Bora, who had just been glaring in frustration at Yoohyeon for spilling the entire pot of soup that she prepared, stared at Minji stunned.

She was feeling so much lighter this week. As if the words she spilled to Hana were weights taken off her back. As if getting to tell Yoohyeon that she loved her and hearing it echoed back to her shifted the world one degree closer to its normal axis after it has been off kilter for so long. Yoohyeon did it on purpose, wanted to offer this to Minji, she told her as much, and Minji chose to believe her when she said she knew what she could handle. And Minji saw how much Yoohyeon needed to hear these words. Her guilt took a step back into the shadows when words she thought she was saying selfishly ended up being exactly what Yoohyeon needed too.

“Sorry,” Minji tried to muffle her laugh, but it was impossible when Yoohyeon was still frozen in her place, horrified expression on her face, the pot still hanging off her sleeve, slowly swinging back and forth.

Bora was the first to break with a scoff of disbelief that turned into full-blown laughing at how red Minji was getting.

Gahyeon came rushing into the living room, only one arm properly in a shirt sleeve, obviously not wanting to miss out on whatever was happening while she was getting dressed. “What? What happened?” Her question quietened the room, but the Gahyeon saw the mess on the kitchen floor, groaned, and without missing a beat just said, “Aish Kim Yoohyeon, what did you do?”

Yoohyeon immediately went on the defensive at the very rightful accusation, raising her hand to threaten Gahyeon but instead the pot was still right there, triggering another laughing fit from Minji, that proved to be contagious as the whole group followed suit, breaking all the tension in the room.

Minji’s cheeks were hurting from how wide her smile was, and she wiped the tears from her face as she carefully approached Yoohyeon, trying to dodge whatever pieces of kimchi and noodles that were now limply lying on the floor.

Yoohyeon had a look of amazement on her face as Minji grabbed a towel, took her hand, and released the pot handle from where it was caught on the sleeve of Yoohyeon’s now definitely no longer new jacket.

“You forgot to take off the tag,” Minji explained in amusement as she showed Yoohyeon how indeed the tag must have slotted itself in the pot handle when Yoohyeon was serving herself, and so when Yoohyeon pulled away, the whole thing came with her.

Yoohyeon sighed as she was finally freed from the item that had held Bora’s labor.

“Are you hurt?” Minji asked softly, checking to see if the hot pot touched Yoohyeon’s hand or forearm. Thankfully the soup itself had spilled in the direction away from Yoohyeon, and Yoohyeon’s clothes seem to have protected her from any direct splash back.

“Only embarrassed,” Yoohyeon grumbled, before turning to Bora, head bowed down. “I am so so sorry unnie.”

All the frustration seemed to have dissipated from Bora, because the main dancer just waved her hand dismissively. “It was an accident, I’m just glad you didn’t spill a whole pot of hot soup on yourself.”

Bora also joined them, inspecting Yoohyeon’s jeans and touching where the obvious stains were to check how warm it would be on Yoohyeon’s skin.

“You should get changed Yoohyeona,” Minji instructed.

“But this mess… I need to clean this up before—”

“We got this, if we do it together, it’ll be gone in no time. Just go run some cold water on your hand and legs first please.”

Yoohyeon must have gotten nods from the others because she sighed gratefully. But Yoohyeon was still not moving, now just staring at her, and Minji lightly rolled her eyes, and gently turned the lead vocalist around.

Yoohyeon chuckled but finally got moving.

“We have some burn cream in the medicine cabinet if you need it,” Dami said as Yoohyeon passed by her.

Minji quickly added, “But call for one of us to take a look first to see if it’s serious.”

“Will do!”

When Yoohyeon was out of the room, Minji took in the mess that they would have to handle and couldn’t help the chuckle that escaped her at the reminder of everyone’s shocked faces.

“It’s not that funny Minji,” Bora lightly punched her arm, but she was wearing a smile too.

“You should’ve seen the look on your face Bora, I thought you were gonna kill her,” Minji giggled as she handed the towel to Dami’s outstretched hand.

Bora groaned as she grabbed the mop from Handong, “Look at this mess. The cabinets are gonna stain for sure.”

“We just have to work quickly,” Minji said, although she had some doubts seeing a piece of kimchi stuck to the wooden cabinet door. “So everyone just grab something and get to cleaning.”

Gahyeon jaw dropped, “I wasn’t even here when it happened!”

Siyeon ruffled Gahyeon’s hair. “Leader’s orders. Should’ve stayed in your room and finished getting dressed instead of letting the <FOMO> get to you.”

Gahyeon grimaced, “Who even taught you that?”

“Are you calling me old?” Siyeon questioned with a raised eyebrow and unsympathetically handed her a bucket, then turned around and winked at Minji, who shook her head in amusement before making a face as she picked up wet noodles off the floor.

Dami held out the garbage can to her when Minji was trying to figure out where to dump the bundle of tissues and food in her hand.

A string of Chinese curses filled the room and Minji really tried not to laugh at the look on Handong’s face. Her foot was hovering in the air where her socks had obviously gotten wet from whatever she stepped in.

Minji patted Handong’s back in sympathy, and the expression on Handong’s face immediately turned to a pleasant smile instead.

The goal was indeed accomplished as quick as Minji promised when the 6 of them did it together. Handong made a quick exit, no doubt to get out of the wet socks, and the two other younger members followed her amused. Now the eldest three stared at the one bowl of soup on the kitchen counter which Yoohyeon had served before disaster struck, the only portion left of the whole pot.

“Rock, paper, scissor?” Minji asked with a shrug, making the others laugh.

“You should have it unnie, you said you were hungry when we woke up,” Siyeon said.

“But—”

Bora interrupted, “We’ll pick something up on the way, you eat this now while it’s still warm. I had made it for you, so you should at least have a taste of it.”

Minji was regretful that this was all that was left of one of her favorite dishes which Bora had kindly prepared just for her.

“And you shouldn’t take medication on an empty stomach,” Siyeon pointed out with the reminder of the new additions to the medicine cabinet.

Minji nodded, grabbing the spoon Bora offered.

A sigh of content interrupted her guzzling down of the delicious soup. Minji looked up to find both Bora and Siyeon watching her. “What?”

“Nothing,” Bora said with a tender smile, that was mirrored on Siyeon’s face. “I just missed mornings like this.”

“Me too,” Minji said with a small smile, knowing exactly what Bora wasn’t saying. Mornings like this, when everything was normal, and they were all together. Mornings when Minji wasn’t trapped in her head, blanketed by demons they couldn’t see.

Siyeon put a hand on her back. “It’s a bit repetitive, but we’re here for you, unnie. I know words like ‘I know what you’re going through’ may seem empty, but Dami and I…”

“I know Siyeona,” Minji didn’t need her to explain. Had witnessed it first-hand the days when Siyeon couldn’t even listen to music, and Dami couldn’t get out of bed. But Minji has also proudly watched them get to the other side of that battle. And that gave her hope for the day she would too.

Minji grabbed Siyeon’s hand and smiled at Bora. “Thank you.”

———————————————

The first day of the album jacket shootings having been after Minji had gone back to the dorms from Sunmi, had passed by in a blur for all of them, considering how tired they were and how little sleep they had gotten, and how emotionally drained she was. The second day though was after the therapy appointments and her talk in the car with Yoohyeon, when the world was looking a tad brighter than it had been for a while.

She was feeling a bit apprehensive the closer they got to the company, and recurring worries about how her image was being put up came back the moment she was in the dressing room and discovered her outfit has been changed.

“What’s up?” Yoohyeon’s question was casual, but Minji could hear the concern in her voice as she approached her. Minji was sitting on the bench in the private changing room in her shoot outfit, a blanket on her legs. She must’ve taken too long if someone came to check in on her.

“I-It’s nothing,” Minji said, automatically brushing her off, trying to keep her nerves under control.

Minji winced at her answer when Yoohyeon frowned. Habits were scary in how hard they were to break.

“Something is stressing you out,” Yoohyeon pointed out. “Is there anything I can do to help?”

And Minji paused, the whirling thoughts also coming to a still. Minji had to fight this inclination to keep everything to herself. It wasn’t going to work anymore.

She looked up at Yoohyeon, who was patiently waiting for her to process her thoughts.

“Please,” Minji finally said.

“What is it?” Yoohyeon asked softly.

Minji took a deep breath, “They changed my outfit to a short one.”

Yoohyeon frowned, “And you’re not happy with it? I can ask them to bring back the old one—”

“—I already did but it doesn’t fit. Loose leather pants don’t look good.”

“You lost weight again,” Yoohyeon’s shoulders dropped. But this wasn’t the issue right now. And Yoohyeon seemed to realize it. “Okay, then maybe they can do something with the scarves to make an additional layer?”

“I asked and they’re trying to figure something out, but they’ll need to try it on me…”

“But?” Yoohyeon tilted her head.

Minji felt the tears sting her eyes and Yoohyeon right away moved closer.

“I-I need some make-up… for my leg… but I don’t… I can’t—” Asking for help was so much harder than she thought.

“Minji, take a deep breath with me, okay?” Yoohyeon knelt in front of Minji, held her hands and did the breathing pattern with Minji which the therapist had recommended to interrupt her racing thoughts before they overwhelmed her.

After a minute, Minji felt herself calmer, and squeezed Yoohyeon’s hand gratefully.

Minji realized it would be easier to just show Yoohyeon, but she was worried about the younger girl’s reaction.

“You can tell me anything,” Yoohyeon encouraged once more and Minji really admired the younger’s continuous patience with her.

“P-Please just don’t get upset right now?” Minji’s voice was low and her eyes downcast, feeling her request childish. She knew Yoohyeon would get upset and maybe have questions, but Minji couldn’t start talking about this now; not when they had a whole day of work to get through.

Yoohyeon tilted Minji’s head back up and smiled softly.

“I won’t. I just want to help you.”

It was incredible the amount of comfort that Yoohyeon could bring her with simple words and soothing touches.

Minji moved her hands to the blanket, and pulled it off her left leg, drawing Yoohyeon’s eyes immediately to the bare skin of her thigh.

Yoohyeon froze, a swirl of emotions quickly passing in her eyes till it settled on pain.

The bruises weren’t anything too big, but the five evenly spaced marks were prominent with how the purple with yellowing edges ovals contrasted against her light skin.

“Is that—Is that from…” Yoohyeon’s voice was choked even though Minji could tell the lead singer was containing her reaction.

Minji’s head dipped forward. Shame coming back to her, that she was so weak—

Yoohyeon’s hand on her cheek interrupted her thoughts.

“Don’t go there,” Yoohyeon whispered, as if reading her mind. “This wasn’t your fault.”

Minji found herself calming at the conviction in Yoohyeon’s words.

“I-I need to cover them for the shoot, but I…” Why was it so hard to express what she needed? Something tightening in her chest, a lump in her throat battling against letting the words out.

But luckily, Yoohyeon was still in tune with her. “But you don’t want the make-up artists touching you?”

Minji weakly nodded. “T-The thought of a stranger touching my leg right now…”

“I understand,” Yoohyeon’s hand cupped her jaw, thumb caressing her cheeks soothingly. “Give me a couple of minutes, I’ll go grab your foundation and some of the stage make-up, okay?”

Minji found herself exhaling in relief as Yoohyeon took charge.

When Yoohyeon came back, she didn’t hand Minji the make-up right away, but paused instead. Yoohyeon then sat down next to Minji and hesitantly asked, “May I?” pointing at the make-up in her hand.

Minji didn’t want anyone’s hands on her body, but Yoohyeon’s she could bear. Yoohyeon wouldn’t hurt her and would stop the moment Minji asked her to if she did start getting uncomfortable.

Minji nodded, “I trust you…”

Yoohyeon’s posture relaxed with the answer, and she gave Minji a small smile.

Yoohyeon’s dabs with the make-up sponge were light and tender, and even though it was just the concealing effect of the make-up, it was almost as if Yoohyeon was healing this hurt with how much love and care went into this simple task, everything opposite to what caused the bruising in the first place.

By the time Yoohyeon applied some final touches with the brush, Minji was staring at her with unmasked adoration.

Yoohyeon noticed when she looked up at Minji’s face, and chuckled lightly, a blush coating her cheeks at the attention, “What?”

Even though Yoohyeon gave her permission to say the words, Minji held in the “I love you”. She wasn’t going to take advantage of Yoohyeon’s generosity when she was well-aware that the words, which she saw could bring Yoohyeon relief, were also capable of bringing her pain.

She settled for a “Thank you” instead.

Yoohyeon’s smile was as soft as the rest of her actions. “Thank you for trusting me to help you.”

Yoohyeon was then by her side the whole time when the stylists were trying to fix her outfit to a length of her liking, and while Minji couldn’t help how her body was not completely relaxed even with the familiar hands of the stylists’ touching her, Yoohyeon’s watchful eyes didn’t leave room for the discomfort to spiral into more. Her guardian angel.

-----------

But once again the moment she was in front of the camera, Minji found herself being overwhelmed by her thoughts, the cold tendrils of dissociation pulling at her consciousness had her requesting a break for the first time ever during a shoot, before she wasn’t there anymore. Dami immediately offered to get her part done in the meanwhile to give the leader some more time.

Handong, the only other member who was on set already while the others were still getting their makeup done, walked her to a quieter secluded area.

Minji dropped her collected front as soon as they were alone, and her breathing became much more audible, frustration at herself picking up.

“Do you want to stop unnie?” Handong asked slowly.

Minji shook her head. She really didn’t, she just wished she didn’t feel this way about a normal part of her job.

“Then what can we do to help you continue?”

Minji’s eyes right away snapped to Handong. The question was so shocking, but Handong only wore a calm smile on her face as she waited for Minji to respond.

They were respecting her wishes even though it would be much easier if they just pushed the comeback like they wanted. Then they wouldn’t have to handle Minji’s problems on top of the comeback stress. Yet Handong only reminded her of the option to stop if she wanted to do, but otherwise stood there patiently and willingly so that Minji could get what she wanted. Minji’s heart warmed at how much she was cared for.

“I—” Minji took a deep breath. “How do I look?”

If Handong found her question odd, she didn’t show it. “You look amazing unnie.”

She wasn’t fishing for a compliment. She just didn’t know to ask for the reassurance she needed.

But then Handong continued. “This concept suits you very well, and these photos will pair well with the songs. But it’s not just because you’re beautiful unnie or because your outfit is cool… You always know how to deliver on the sentiment with your expressions, and today will be no different.”

“Do you think that’s what people will see?”

“I would love to say something like ‘it doesn’t matter what other think’ and have it be true, but unfortunately in our work it does to some degree,” Handong said. “But it’s always about who you choose to pay attention to, unnie. Some people will look at photos like this, think they’re pretty, and not give it a second thought. Some won’t even care to know our names, and only look at it superficially, only seeing us as objects to be dressed nicely and put on display for their entertainment.

“Some will not even look at the photos at all because they only listen to the music. Some will obsess over every single detail. And some will think of the bigger picture, and see what you’re trying to convey, that an album is a whole experience not just a song or a music video. You can’t please everyone, and you can’t change how others perceive you if they already decided to keep a certain image of you in their mind rather than get to know you and understand you. But what really matters at the end of the day is how you see yourself, unnie.”

Minji let Handong’s words bounce in her mind against the perception that she now had of herself.

“Lately I’ve been feeling like that’s the only thing people care about. And you’re right that it’ll always be depending on who I choose to listen to but it’s hard when most of the comments are like that. I can’t find the ones who really see me. I can’t—I can’t sing right now, and it changed nothing for me… I didn’t sing yesterday on that show, and I don’t think anyone even noticed. It was a live broadcast, and the outfit they had for me distracted from it all. The comments I saw were all about how sexy I looked.” Minji’s heart broke a bit for herself in that moment, cameras and audience eyes trained on her completely uncaring that she wasn’t even holding her microphone up. As if her actual job of being a singer didn’t matter at all when her face and body were there.

“Unnie, let me show you something,” Handong said as she pulled out her phone and opened social media. Handong typed ‘<Minji>’ in the search bar, the letters English, her stage name replaced by her real one. “I know it’s a bit hard with the language difference, so can I translate some for you?”

Minji nodded eagerly, trusting that Handong would shield her from comments she wouldn’t want to see right now. Given that it was a viewable show, of course there were lots of videos and images of her, praises on how beautiful she was, like Minji briefly already saw and has come to expect. But then Handong showed her how even the posts with the flattering images of her were actually filled with concern about the strain they can hear in her voice when she talked, questions about why she wasn’t singing, wondering on why the members seemed to be subtly checking in on her, speculations on if she was sick, and well wishes for a speedy recovery if that was the case, and fans asking each other not to make assumptions and to wait to see if Minji herself or the company would say something about it.

Then there were the heart emoji-filled ones praising some small things she didn’t even notice, like how she was looking so proudly while Gahyeon sang the chorus, how she was watching in amazement as Handong sang Minji’s part of the bridge and how she high fived her in celebration after, how she offered her hand to Siyeon to fidget with when Yoohyeon screeched and ran away from her, how some of the members were turning towards her whenever there was a question they weren’t sure how to answer and Minji would supportively nod her head to encourage them to keep talking or would stir them in the right direction with some well-placed words so that they could continue answering for themselves. Comments praising her leadership skills, attentiveness to the needs of other members, and how much love was showing in her eyes for the fans attending the whow.

“There are so many different sides of you that appeal to different people. Everyone can agree that you’re beautiful unnie, but that doesn’t mean that’s all they see. You just have to get past the loud superficial ones to see the truth,” Handong explained.

Minji’s eyes were damp after everything Handong showed her, only the fear of the makeup artists scolding her stopped her from actually crying in appreciation. She hasn’t seen this kind of support in a while. She had been so blinded by the image the company was forcing on her that she didn’t see things for how they really were. It had reached the point where she had stopped communicating with the fans because she was afraid their responses will only keep making her feel so empty.

 “T-things keep getting mixed up in my head, Dongie… and I feel like I can’t tell the truth anymore,” Minji confessed. “And the c-company is making it worse I think.”

“How so?”

“What you just showed me… they didn’t show me this yesterday, Geun only showed me the comments about how I looked,” Beautiful, sexy, breathtaking, visuals, the words rang in Minji’s head. “They have just been showing me and telling me about these kinds of comments ever since the special clip. And I stopped looking at social media myself, so I only know what others tell me.”

“The company has only been showing you reactions on how you look? Who even—” It was clear that Handong was upset with this revelation, with how her gentle patient tone took a sharper edge. Handong took a deep breath, “Which of the staff has been doing that?”

“The last couple of weeks Geun mostly, he has been the one with me the most on my solo schedules when Tae has been busy with organizing for comeback,” Minji referred to the new road manager that the CEO hired with the security team after the mobbing incident.

Handong said slowly, “Geun none of us really like, unnie. We haven’t interacted with him that much, but Bora unnie already chewed his head off the other day because he was telling her how she should change her exercise routine to tone her legs.”

Minji’s face dropped in disdain, “What? How is that even any of his business?”

“I don’t know, but he definitely got on her nerves, and Tae oppa had a talk with him when he heard about this.”

“I didn’t know about this…” It was weird for Minji to feel out of the loop with something regarding the group, and she felt the guilt seeping in. She should’ve been the one to handle something like this, but she has been dropping the ball as their leader.

 Handong assured, “It’s not a big deal unnie. Just I’m not surprised by him focusing only on superficial things. But unnie have you really not seen anything else in the last few weeks?”

Minji shook her head, her heart sinking in her stomach the more they talked about this. Minji’s voice was low when she said, “I didn’t know there was anything else to see other than Dreamcatcher’s visual is taking Korea by storm.” His words were stuck in her head.

Handong shook her head. “Unnie… that’s… that’s not what’s been happening. At least not just what’s been happening. It’s true that ever since the special clip there has been a lot of attention on your looks, and that’s just what the media wants to hype up as usual, and yes there is a subset of new fans that are a bit too obsessed with that, I won’t lie. But our fans unnie… they didn’t suddenly change. They love you and they have been so worried about you!”

Then Handong revealed to her all that she had missed. That the fans have been demanding the company to stop putting her on a diet or to stop overworking her if stress was the reason for the weight loss that was becoming more noticeable with every new photoshoot. That after the mobbing incident, they had hounded the company on all social media platforms, had mass email events, and even sent literal physical letters to the CEO till the company announced the hiring of a security team. That Minji’s name was trending in multiple countries with fans feeling sorry for the experience that Minji and Dami had gone through, and sending her well wishes for her recovery.

Handong continued, “After the Curie interview video was released, they demanded that the magazine do better in the future because of their stupid superficial questions and how the host kept insisting even though you got uncomfortable. They were so proud of you that day for refusing to answer the questions about weight and diets and insisting that being healthy was the most important thing. That’s just the things that are at the top of my head unnie, there’s more everyday things.”

“I didn’t know…” How did she get so isolated that she couldn’t see all of this?

“We know you’ve been staying away from social media since the special clip was released, and we thought you wanted to disconnect for a bit so we didn’t want to burden you by showing you that the fans have been worried about you, but I think you’ve been missing out on a lot of love too in the process. And it’s absolutely ridiculous what the staff have chosen to show you. I am really annoyed right now. No wonder you haven’t been posting anything to the fans no matter how much they’ve tried to get your attention… I’m so glad you talked to me about this right now. I would be more than happy to help you with this from now on, because unnie, there’s so much love and it’s a shame if you can’t see it. People do see you Kim Minji.”

The assurance fell like a balm on a part inside of Minji that was a lot more hurt than she realized, the sob that escaped her surprising herself more than it did Handong, who immediately wrapped her arms around the leader, letting Minji muffle her cries in her neck. She had been feeling so objectified by the public reaction that she missed all the love out there from the people that mattered.

“You are so amazing unnie, and people love you for who you are, not just what you have to offer them,” Handong whispered with arms tightening around her the more she cried. “Just let it all out.”

“M-my makeup…” Minji sniffled, focusing on this detail so that she didn’t completely lose her composure right then.

But Handong’s tone only got softer, “It’s just makeup, it can be fixed. The other members can get their shots done first too. How you feel is much more important.”

And Minji didn’t fight this time that Handong carved for her in their busy day and let herself be held by the member who probably understood her turmoil with being seen as a “visual” the most. Handong had grown over the years to approach her role in a way that Minji admired, but could hardly replicate, letting the attention feed into her self-confidence and ultimately only making Handong a better performer. Something Minji knew she needed to start doing too.

Minji let the pain from the lies she had been told wash over her, realizing that the content that she was being exposed to might be curated as such to encourage her to embrace this new image the company was building for her. Only showing her how much the fans loved her visuals so that she leaned more into it to please them. They have been misleading her.

But with Handong’s words now also playing in her mind, the pain didn’t completely take over as it usually would have; but instead every comment that had unintentionally hurt her was now meeting its match with one of love for her. And even if she hasn’t seen enough to completely drown out the ones she didn’t want to remember, it was enough right now that she knew they were out there, and that Handong would make sure didn’t miss out again.

Minji has missed interacting with their fans so much, it was one of her favorite parts about their job and yet she has been deprived of this joy for the last few weeks. Her perspective had been inadvertently changed by the CEO’s hunger for money to one that was also just concerned about Dreamcatcher’s success to an unhealthy degree, forgetting that while the road has been long and tough for them, their journey together was not something that any of them would want to change; that every step up the ladder, they took together with their group effort, and as their leader she was there to guide and support them along the way, not make their journey for them.

Minji felt like she had purged this issue with her self-image by the time Handong led her back to the dressing room. Dami had apparently already re-organized the shooting order and so there has been no interruptions in the work for the day so far and no one was upset that she needed that long break. The makeup artists were more concerned about Minji than the state of their work, and had even tried to feed Minji the dessert that Bora ordered for them to placate them because of the extra work. The members, while initially were also worried when they saw the evidence of Minji’s tears, had apparently had some silent conversation with Handong because none of them unnecessarily checked in with her about stopping work or ask her what was wrong, only offering her some comforting touches and whispers of ‘we love you’ in passing instead.

The proud smile on Yoohyeon’s face as Minji stepped back on set made Minji feel a bit shy but also very accomplished. Even if all she did was talk to Handong and cry, there was a shift that happened that made her confidently stand in her place in the middle of the group and stare down the camera in a way that made her not feel like she was fading out anymore. And it seemed like her energy was infectious because it was trickling down to the rest of the group, and in turn the staff, with their photographer looking at his camera in disbelief and then asking for the music to be turned up as he continued taking photos with minimal directions to them.

And by the time it was her solo shots, Minji was in such high spirits that it was even a bit hard to keep a straight face sometimes, but their photographer joined in on the fun and took those photos too along with the serious ones. Handong told her when they were monitoring that they should keep these photos even if they weren’t used for the album, and Minji bashfully asked the photographer if he could send them to her. Because she was glowing in a way that she didn’t think she was capable of anymore, and she wanted to remember this feeling.

“Unnie, give me your phone for a second,” Handong asked as they arrived back at the dorm after the long but satisfying day of work. Minji having found herself getting excited about the comeback again when they ended the day with selecting the candidate photos. 

Minji unlocked her phone and handed it to Handong, who clicked a few things then gave it back to her. Handong didn’t say anything else, just kissed the side of Minji’s head and headed to her room.

Minji smiled in amusement, then looked at her phone to see that Handong had left her a gift. The phone was open to Handong’s weverse page where she had posted two photos, one that was apparently taken by Dami as they were hugging after talking earlier, and another of them leaning against each other laughing at an impersonation that Siyeon was doing during the shoot, both zoomed in and cropped in such a way to not reveal the shoot concept and posted with the caption “Minji unnie, if you lean on us, whether with tears or laughter, we’ll be there. Right insomnia? #ILJyu”.

The message was already cute enough for Minji to want to find Handong to thank her, but it was clear that Handong knew exactly what she was doing because her post over the last couple of hours had brought in a flood of comments and the hashtag was picking up steam on other sites from fans telling Minji that they loved her and that they were there for her always, and telling her stories of how she was there for them in their daily lives.

Minji pressed like on every single comment she came across, and for the first time, in what the fans would describe as ‘FOREVER’, posted a photo she took of the preview on the photographer’s camera of a photo were she was laughing care-free at a silly dance Bora was doing, hand covering her mouth, eyes closed into crescents. She went to bed with happiness from getting to reconnect with the fans like this again blanketing her. A part of herself having found its way back to her that day.

Chapter Text

Yoohyeon with Bora and Siyeon wasted no time going directly to Tae after Handong relayed to them what she found out. The need to change this image that Minji now had of herself feeding their haste. It was heartbreaking hearing from Handong about how little Minji has been thinking of herself, Yoohyeon now understanding why Minji was hating those promotions that she was doing.

But finding out that the company was directly fostering these thoughts made Bora’s words much sharper than they’ve ever heard them. Bora, like the entire unnie line, was protective of them, but it looked like when it came to Minji, the sentiment was now magnified ten folds. They were done being passive.

“You know we would never ask for someone to be fired unless they were directly harming someone, oppa. His comments to me I could handle, but I don’t want him near Minji anymore,” Bora said. “Either find him another task or get him out of the company.”

“And it’s not just unnie, he has made Gahyeona uncomfortable too,” Yoohyeon added. “She says she doesn’t care what he says, and she’ll do what she wants, but Dami said she has seen that Gahyeona hesitates for a second before she eats something now.”

Siyeon said, “We really don’t need this kind of person and attitude around us, things are fragile enough as it is.”

Tae was as frustrated as them, especially that he had already talked to Geun, but it seemed like there was something else. “I’ll see what I can do. I’ll try to shift the schedules around to keep him away from you guys one on one.”

Bora scowled, “Try? Oppa I’m telling you he is hurting the members with his comments. We need this dealt with.”

“If it were up to me, I would’ve fired him, Sua. But he was hired by the CEO with the security team for Jiu. And we are understaffed as it is, I can’t be everywhere.”

Siyeon scoffed, “When weren’t we understaffed though?”

“It’s different right now, everyone in every department is working non-stop day and night. There’s a lot of new hires, but it takes time to train them, which is even more work, especially when we don’t have trust between everyone yet. We are trying to make sure that the people who work with you directly are the ones you know so that you are safe, but we’re barely stringing it together to keep up with how big this comeback is becoming.”

Yoohyeon was feeling how stressed Tae was. They have been so focused on what’s happening in their group and Minji that they didn’t see that the staff have been working too hard.

“How big is it?” Yoohyeon asked apprehensively. They knew how much attention they have been getting by virtue of Minji, but they didn’t know how that translated beyond that they’ve had an unusual number of interviews and show requests that they’ve need to already film for.

“Not just larger than the last one, but from projections it’s expected to be more than double the sales. And that doesn’t take into account how the general public will take it in the digital market, but we know the anticipation is high.”

The members looked at each other, the stress echoing in their silence. It wasn’t that they didn’t want to be this successful, but the pressure to deliver was a lot, especially when they weren’t even sure if they were going to go through with the comeback.

Siyeon cleared her throat, “Oppa… how bad would it be if the comeback was pushed?”

Tae froze, eyes widening. “Please tell me this is a hypothetical because that is not an option. The amount of money the company is pouring into it with the expectation of the returns… anything messing with this comeback could ruin us all.”

Shit. The weight dropped on Yoohyeon. No wonder Minji was adamant about going through with the comeback even when she was at a breaking point. Did the leader know all of this but didn’t want to burden them with the knowledge?

“How much of this is depending on Minji?” Yoohyeon worried about how much the leader needed to carry for them.

“A lot,” Tae said with a grimace. “The attention is on all of you, all the promotions Jiu has done thankfully reflected on Dreamcatcher too, but since she’s the one all the new fans and general public are familiar with right now…”

There was no need for him to continue when they all understood.

“Well, it was a nice run guys,” Bora said with a nervous laugh.

Siyeon lightly punched her arm. “Don’t say that…”

Bora brushed her hair back. “This is too much pressure on her. Especially right now.”

“But it’s Jiu, she’s more than capable of leading you guys through this,” Tae argued.

“Not at the expense of her sanity,” Bora said. “I’m not kidding. We’ve had a very good run. Much more than I could have ever expected, especially after Minx... If it really comes down to Minji’s health or continuing, then I guess we might all be looking for a new job,” then Bora turned to Siyeon and Yoohyeon. “Or am I wrong?”

They both shook their heads. Of all the reasons that could stop Dreamcatcher from continuing, there were 7 reasons that came first. Number 1 right now was Minji.

Tae put his hand on his head, obviously stressed by the declaration. “Let’s—let’s just try everything we can first. You girls are still so young, and it would be a shame to cut your group’s career short just because of one person.”

“It’s not one person. It’s our leader,” Siyeon said sharply. “Minji unnie has carried us through so much shit and made sure we all came out okay on the other side. Sometimes at the expense of herself. You won’t find a single one of us who wouldn’t want to do the same for her.”

Yoohyeon felt the pain and pride mixing together. It wouldn’t be an easy decision to stop the comeback knowing that it could mean disaster for their group and their company, and they would definitely try everything else they could, but she was glad it wasn’t just her who would ultimately choose Minji over their success; the others would too. Because that’s who they were for each other. Family.

“Let’s just take it one day at a time. Minji still wants to this comeback minus that one hiccup the other day. She’s doing a bit better right now and even getting excited about the comeback now and she honestly needs to have something that makes her happy again,” Yoohyeon said.

Bora nodded, “If at any point she wants to stop, or if it’s getting to a place where we have to stop her, then so be it. We can try the comeback without Minji, but from what you’re saying that will hardly cut it. Our fans would understand. If the new ones don’t, and the company put all their eggs in their basket then there’s nothing we can do about it.”

“Yeah—”

An alarm suddenly filled the room, originating from the three members phones simultaneously. Their emergency app.

“What is that?” Tae asked with a wince at the echoing loud noise.

Yoohyeon felt her heart clench as she quickly pulled out her phone that was lighting up in red with Gahyeon’s photo in the center of the screen.

Yoohyeon pressed on the icon, and a map pulled up, pinpointing Gahyeon’s location to somewhere in the company. Icons for the other members were also on the map around the same location since they were at the company too. All except for Minji’s.

“Unnie, Minji is not picking it up,” Yoohyeon said shakily as she looked at the unanswered incoming call. There was no way the leader would miss an emergency notification. The app was designed to override everything else on the phone, raising the volume to the maximum, and giving off both the auditory and visual alarms. And to keep responding to an emergency streamlined, Minji being their leader should be the one picking up the call or respond to text within 20 seconds.

Bora was counting the seconds under her breath unnecessarily since there was a timer on the screen, then picked up the call as soon as she reached twenty, stopping the loud alarm on all their phones. “Gahyeona, are you okay?”

Yoohyeon and Siyeon both joined in the video call as well and watched the maknae’s stressed face appearing on their screen.

“I’m okay. And Minji unnie is with me, she is okay too… for now. But I asked her to turn off her phone so no one can reach her,” Gahyeon said.

She wasn’t looking at the screen as she obviously walked hurriedly down one of the company’s hallways. There was a flash of blond hair close behind her that was probably Minji. Yoohyeon cursed the similar designs on different floors, she couldn’t tell where exactly Gahyeon was, but could at least breathe a little easier now that she knew that Gahyeon was okay and that Minji was too. But there was no way Gahyeon would use the emergency button if it wasn’t important though, and Yoohyeon readied herself to run to the two members as soon as she figured out where they were.

“Why? What’s going on?” Bora asked.

——————————

Minji and Gahyeon were exiting the company to go pick up some snacks from a nearby store when Gahyeon suddenly pulled on her arm as they reached the entrance, forcing her to take a few steps back.

“What is it?” Minji asked, worried at seeing how Gahyeon’s face paled as she looked at something outside.

But when Minji tried to look to see what had Gahyeon freaked out like that, Gahyeon immediately pulled her back to stop her, whisper yelling, “Unnie don’t!”

Gahyeon moved both of them further back down the entry hallway, stress written clearly on the maknae’s face.

Minji stopped them when they were in front of the receptionist’s desk, and cupped Gahyeon’s cheek with one hand, the other holding her arm. “What is it, Gahyeona?”

Gahyeon seemed to calm a bit at Minji’s touch, then took a deep breath and steeled her expression in a way that Minji had never seen before. “Unnie, I need you to trust me and do what I say right now. P-Please…”

“Okay…” Minji smiled softly at Gahyeon, hoping to calm down the youngest further.

Gahyeon pulled out her phone, then asked Minji, “Can you turn off your phone please?”

Minji frowned but took her phone out of her pocket. When she hesitated because of the weird request, Gahyeon’s face scrunched.

“Unnie please…”

Minji immediately complied and saw Gahyeon sigh in relief.

The anxiety was creeping up Minji’s back, but she tried to stay calm even though she wasn’t getting any information. When Gahyeon opened a familiar app on her own phone and pressed the big red button for 5 seconds, Minji’s heart rate took off.

“Gahyeona, what are you doing?” Minji questioned right away. “You’re only supposed to use this in emergencies, the others are gonna freak out.”

Gahyeon looked at her apologetically, “This is one, unnie. Come on!” Gahyeon pulled at Minji’s arm again, forcing the leader to follow her quickened pace.

Minji needed to take charge, if Gahyeon really saw something that she deemed as an emergency, then Minji should be the one dealing with it. She should be the one Gahyeon asking for help, and not have Bora pick up exactly when she guessed the timer on the phone reached 20 seconds. Bora was completely serious, ready to jump into action to help out, easily picking up the leader hat once again instead of Minji, just like she has been more often than not lately. Minji owed Bora a huge thank you.

“Unnie, you told us to memorize his face. Just in case,” Gahyeon said tersely to Bora. “He’s here. At the company.”

There was a second of silence before Bora was speaking again, tone deadly calm in a way that sent shivers down Minji’s back. “Where?”

“Right outside the entrance. I am taking Minji unnie away from there.”

Minji had no idea what was going on, but the dread was pooling in. There was only one person she could think of that the members would act this way about. Lee Sangwon.

She hadn’t talked to the CEO yet. She hadn’t had him reject the show offer yet. And now it was coming to bite her in the ass.

“Unnie?” Gahyeon called out to her in worry when Minji’s steps faltered.

She shouldn’t give him power over her this way, he was nothing, and they were on her territory here, yet she was freezing up again.

But Gahyeon wouldn’t let her stop. “Unnie, trust me. He’s not coming anywhere near you, I promise.”

And then Dami appeared out of nowhere, a bit out of breath but assuring resting smile on her face as she reached out a hand to her, which Minji unconsciously took. “Come on, we can go through the kitchen exit.”

Both youngest members of the group practically took her steps for her as she tried to focus on her breathing, remembering Hana’s advice to focus on the members’ presence since that seemed to bring her the most feeling of safety. Gahyeon’s hand was still wrapped around her wrist. Dami’s palm was firmly holding other hand. There wasn’t even any reason for her to be scared. Except that everything she had done so far didn’t directly address her problem, because she didn’t talk to the CEO.

Handong was leaning against the kitchen door so casually, as if it wasn’t a supposed emergency that brought her there, that it almost made Minji laugh. Eyes lazily finding her, Handong smiled at her gently and her aura of calm was immediately spreading to Minji. Guiding them through the kitchen with a look on her face that made the busy staff scurry out of her way, Handong opened the door to the back exit into the alley behind the company where deliveries were made.

“The others will be here with a car in a second,” Handong clarified.

Minji nodded shakily.

“Are you okay, unnie? Do you need to sit down or anything?” Gahyeon asked, concern dripping off her honeyed words.

“I’m okay, Gahyeona,” Minji assured, and Gahyeon’s shoulders dropped in relief.

The screeching of tires drew Minji’s attention as one of their large SUVs rounded the corner into the alley, and Minji wanted to scold whoever was driving for their recklessness.

To her surprise, when the SUV doors opened, it was only Yoohyeon and Tae who stepped out. Bora and Siyeon nowhere in sight, and Minji got a bad feeling about this.

“Where are they?” Minji questioned urgently.

Yoohyeon faltered in her steps for a second as she guided Minji inside the car to the back seats, hand above Minji’s head so that she didn’t hit it on the roof.

“Yoohyeon.”

The lead vocalist sighed, “They’re inside the company still.”

“But—”

“They’re together, and just keeping an eye on things here,” Yoohyeon explained calmly as she buckled the seatbelt for Minji as Tae drove off.

Minji overheard Gahyeon talking quietly to the others in front of them, “I’m sorry if I scared you guys with the emergency call but I got worried that unnie would see him or he w—”

Dami ruffled Gahyeon’s hair and Handong patted her back and said, “It’s okay sweetie, you did really good. I’m so proud of you, Gahyeona.”

Minji’s thoughts were running a mile a minute. She was so stupid not to have dealt with this right away like the members wanted to, and now she put them all in a situation where they had to encounter this despicable man. Forcing the youngest member of all people to be this stressed and take care of her.

“Minji, focus on me,” Yoohyeon’s hands were turning her face towards her. Yoohyeon smiled assuredly, “Everything is okay.”

Minji took a shaky breath in, trying to center her thoughts. “I’m sorry…”

Yoohyeon frowned, “For what?”

“I should have already talked to the CEO and had the show invitation canceled,” Minji found herself saying.

“You can talk to him whenever you’re ready. We know that it’s a very stressful conversation for you, and you have been overwhelmed enough as it is.”

Dami added, “Even if we’re invited to the show, there’s no reason for that prick to be here.”

“I notified security, he’s not coming anywhere near you or the rest of the girls,” Tae said angrily, and Minji realized the members must have told him what happened.

Minji looked outside the window pointedly, ignoring the sting of tears.

Yoohyeon’s voice was hesitant when she spoke, “If you’re upset we talked to oppa, I’m sorry. We had to make a decision in the moment. That bastard was at the company, and I don’t have to wonder why… Oppa needed a reason in order to stop a network executive from entering the company, and your safety was the most important thing…”

“I hope they save the videos of him being tackled by security if he tried to enter,” Handong piped in from her seat.

Minji gave a watery chuckle at the comment. That would be a nice sight.

Seeing Yoohyeon nervously fiddling with her fingers, she grabbed her hand. The lead vocalist looked up at her surprised.

While Minji was indeed upset, concern for the group on the forefront of her mind, she understood why Yoohyeon did it.

“Thank you for watching out for me. I do feel safer knowing that the managers and security are now on the watch,” Minji said timidly, then decided to voice her thoughts to them. “I’m just worried that it would bring problems on the group if security does end up interacting with him in a way he finds disrespectful. Just as he’s capable of putting us on the map, he can also take us off it...”

The 4 members turned to her at that.

“So be it, unnie,” Dami said without any hesitation, and the others nodded.

“And just because he thinks he has that much power, doesn’t mean he actually does,” Gahyeon added.

Handong added, “It’s one network, which we are barely even on and at this point we don’t even want to be, if he’s running things.”

“And if he can influence others like that when people obviously know what kind of person he is,” Yoohyeon said in disgust, “Then maybe we don’t want to interact with these people anyway.”

She appreciated their sentiment, their willingness to sacrifice this much for her, but she hated that she was the reason why their road could get 10 times harder. Minji sighed in frustration. Why did she keep failing?

As if reading her mind, Yoohyeon said, “Minji, it’s not your fault.”

“But it literally is,” Minji’s jaw tightened.

“No. It isn’t,” Yoohyeon insisted. “There is nothing that you could have done that would’ve ended in a different outcome.”

Except there were so many things that came to her mind. She could’ve sacrificed for the group and played the game. She could’ve already talked to the CEO and had him handle it in a more diplomatic way. She could’ve not gone to the gala. She could’ve asked for help earlier. She could’ve not let the special clip happen and end up in the public eye in this way. She could’ve broken up with Yoohyeon earlier. She could’ve made sure the song with Sunmi happened and they would’ve had the attention the CEO wanted in another way. She could’ve not t— She refused to let that thought form. She could’ve told Yoohyeon everything from the start. She could’ve set boundaries about how her and Yoohyeon interacted with each other at the company and not have gotten caught. She could’ve not given into her whims and gotten together with Yoohyeon in the first place—

A sudden cold in her hand yanked her out of the spiral.

“—ji come back to me,” Yoohyeon’s voice greeted her back to reality.

Minji blinked a few times, trying to get the world to stop spinning, and Yoohyeon’s face came into view.

“Hi…” Yoohyeon said softly. “You’re okay, we’re in the car, everything is okay.”

Minji was breathing heavily and realized the car wasn’t moving, but was parked by the side of the road instead, the window next to her was open letting in a cold breeze, but that wasn’t the source of the cold that was grabbing her attention. Looking down, Minji found that Yoohyeon was holding an ice pack and closing Minji’s hand around it.

“Minji, what’s the lyrics to <Can’t get you out of my mind>?” Yoohyeon asked her.

“Huh?” Minji asked, head still groggy.

“The lyrics to <Can’t get you out of my mind>. Siyeon unnie starts with <Reaching out from my sorrows, far away from tomorrow>, then Dami?”

Minji frowned in confusion.

Dami chimes in, “<How many seasons have we been together? How many reasons have we left behind?>”

“Then it’s you Minji?”

Having heard Dami’s part, the words came to Minji automatically, “<Now I don't know what to do alone with all this time>.”

Yoohyeon smiled, “Good, what’s the pre-chorus? You just start it, but I know you know the rest.”

“<It’s up to you to realize…>” It was taking all her energy to remember the English words of parts that weren’t hers but with the other members help, she managed till the end of the song.

Only then did she realize what Yoohyeon was doing, having found her breathing now stable, with no other thoughts than the song having been on her mind for the last few minutes.

“You good unnie?” Handong asked.

Minji nodded, finding herself only a bit shaken up this time, a first in a while for a panic attack. “W-was it long?”

Yoohyeon smiled proudly, “Not at all.”

Minji looked at the ice pack in her hand. She didn’t know of this as a solution, but it was obviously effective. “Where did you even get this in the car?”

“Oh,” Yoohyeon said sheepishly. “Since I noticed that it seemed like maybe the cold was helping you, I kinda put these instant cold packs everywhere in the cars, our bags, and the company. In case you needed it.”

“Apparently there was a deal on 36-packs so we’re covered for all sort of icing-related issues for a good while now,” Dami deadpanned, making Yoohyeon whine and hide her face in Minji’s shoulder since her hands were still holding the ice pack in Minji’s.

Minji found herself laughing at the scenario.

“T-thank you for that,” Minji said. ‘… For loving me,’ she meant.

Wondering why the car was still stationary, Minji looked for Tae, only to find him outside on the phone, looking like he was having an argument.

It took a couple more minutes, with Yoohyeon’s steady hand holding hers till Tae came back in the car.

“You okay, Jiu-yah?” Tae asked, but his smile looking completely forced.

“I am now oppa… what’s wrong?” Minji asked nervously. There was no way this wasn’t connected.

Tae started the car. “Your phone is still off?”

“Yeah, why? What’s going on?” Minji said reaching for her phone, but Yoohyeon’s hand on hers stopped her.

Yoohyeon wasn’t even looking at her, eyes on their manager.

“Nothing you need to worry about right now,” Tae said.

Minji insisted, “Meaning I would need to worry about it later. So just tell me please.”

She hated being out of the loop like this when it was her job to know everything for the group.

“It’s nothing I didn’t expect,” Tae relented. “The CEO is angry about the notification I gave security. And… he’s looking for you.”

Her chest was doing this thing where it wasn’t letting her breathe normally. Her hand involuntarily gripped tighter around Yoohyeon’s, drawing the lead vocalist’s attention. Yoohyeon rested her head on Minji’s shoulder, wrapping one arm around her waist. Minji looked down suddenly distracted, because her body was reveling in Yoohyeon’s heat on her, relaxing almost in relief, having been deprived of feeling Yoohyeon wrapped around her like this. It was a silly thought considering the situation they were in, but Minji missed this so much.

Tae continued, pulling Minji’s attention back to him, “I said you already left the company earlier and maybe you had your phone turned off if you were taking a nap. So that should buy you some time...”

Apparently Minji couldn’t keep postponing this any longer.

She had to talk to the CEO.

———————————

Bora and Siyeon had thankfully come back to the dorm okay, and reassured her that they didn’t interact with that bastard and that they knew that this was something that required delicate handling and wouldn’t jeopardize things if a situation didn’t need immediate action. Siyeon made it clear though that if Minji had still been at the company and Lee Sangwon had tried to interact with her, that it would’ve been a different story, and not even the risk to her career would’ve stopped Siyeon when that prick has already laid his disgusting hands on Minji once before. The fainting bruises on Minji’s legs ached at the reminder.

But there was a part of her that found peace, despite the threat from the main vocalist. They would protect her. She always knew it, often repeated it as a mantra when things were getting unbearable, that they were her plan B, and today she saw how even the youngest of the group wouldn’t hesitate to stand between her and danger, even if Minji wouldn’t want them to. The image of Gaheyon’s quick actions to stave off an encounter and an expected panic attack, and Dami running to her to get her to safety, after probably figuring out their location the fastest, kept her calmer than she would have been if she were alone. Because she was never alone, she just had to open her eyes to see that.

She had finally turned her phone back on, after Tae has informed her via Yoohyeon, that the company was actually getting worried by her disappearance in the middle of a workday, to find a couple of missed calls from the CEO. The text message about “Meeting ASAP”, bare and leaving no room for arguments, was like the clock hitting midnight. Her time was up.

It was by luck that she had a session with her therapist scheduled for the evening because the stress had gotten Minji silent again when she needed to talk the most.

Hana had made it clear from the first time that Minji told her all what was happening that none of it was okay, and even if somethings were normalized in their jobs, it didn’t make them right.

“Blackmailing is illegal,” Hana reminded her firmly again today, along with a kinder, “Nothing was ever wrong with being in a relationship with Yoohyeon.”

While the first one she knew, even if she couldn’t do anything about it, but the second reminder was something that Minji needed to hear. Struggled to believe with how deep that wound was embedded in her soul by now, despite how right loving Yoohyeon felt.

“Morality clause is misused by companies to have a reason to fire someone even if they didn’t have a reason,” Hana had told her. “Of course, there are situations where it applies, but this is not one of them, Minji. Otherwise, your boss would have actually used it rather than holding job security over you in order to get you to do what he wants. Only one of these two is bringing him money.”

Minji chuckled at the look on Hana’s face when Minji told her about her realization that the company was only showing her fan comments relating to her visuals on purpose and that Handong showed her there was so much more than that.

“You’re laughing…”

“Sorry… it’s not funny I know,” Minji smile was pained. “But it’s just too ridiculous? I’m doing what he wants, why push me like this? He knows me. Did he really not realize that even though I loved to keep the fans happy that this would make me miserable? Was it because he knew I didn’t like the focusing on my visuals that he just wanted me to see that it was paying off? I just don’t understand…”

Hana patiently replied, “Minji, I’m sorry to say this but I think you might be giving him a bit too much credit here thinking that he is in anyway concerned about you… No one does what he is doing to you to someone they care about in any capacity. This is outright manipulation.”

“But…” Minji knew that the CEO was not treating her right, she wasn’t that naive, and especially not after the last few months. “He’s helped me a lot. All of us. Even with everything that’s been happening, his concern was always the group.”

“Was his concern the group itself or what the group is bringing him?” Hana challenged.

Minji sighed, shaking her head, “He’s always cared about us. He didn’t have to give us a second chance after we failed the first time, could’ve started with a new group, younger, fresher. Every time Dreamcatcher was barely reaching the surface, he kept us afloat. Promised us that we would be well taken care of, even if we didn’t make it. This company treats us better than so many other places and it’s because of how he lead it. I… I can’t just forget all of this…”

“No one is inherently good or evil. And your boss might have once been a good man, but right now he really really isn’t. The blackmailing, the manipulation, the hostile work environment, not just not protecting you from sexual harassment, which he is obligated to do by the way as your employer, but also blatantly putting you in situations where you are subjected to it… these are not the actions of a good person, Minji, and you owe him nothing. Everything he has done for you over the years, he has also benefited from, it wasn’t like it was all out of the goodness of his heart.”

Minji fell silent as she mulled Hana’s words over. It was so difficult for her to reconcile these two sides of the CEO, especially when she has known him as a good person for years and years, and only as this terrible person for some months. Because wasn’t it the same with her? She had been one person that her members—that Yoohyeon—has known for years, and only now has she become this other person that she herself didn’t even recognize. But she didn’t voice this thought out to Hana, afraid of the response. Because she already carried so much hatred for herself, she wouldn’t be able to stand it if someone else said it out loud too.

“Why have you really not talked to him yet?” Hana asked bluntly.

“Every time I meet with him everything just gets worse somehow and in a way I never saw coming. You’ve seen how I’ve been, I don’t think I could’ve taken another one of these meetings, but I don’t have a choice anymore.”

Hana hummed. “I understand that, and trust me it is very valid, I’m not trying to minimize that amount of stress such a conversation is bringing you. But you said you broke up with Yoohyeon to end all of this. You broke up, you’re already taking steps to improve your life, with therapy, with opening up and talking to your friends when you can. Yet you left everything hanging over you just the same. Why?”

Hana was good. Minji had to give her that. She has grown to like Hana a lot, especially for this no bullshit attitude. Just sucked to be so transparent when she had built walls of concrete around every inch of herself so that no one close to her managed to see through.

The tears were getting old by now, traveling familiar planes that were filled with the shadows of Yoohyeon’s touch.

“If-if I talked to him, then that’s it… There is no going back,” Minji said quietly.

Hana tilted her head, “But you don’t want any of this anymore, isn’t that a good thing?”

“Yoohyeon… if I talk to him—tell him I broke up with her… it’s really over,” the truth of what she was really delaying was now out in the open. She has been holding on to the bargaining stage of grief for her relationship.

Understanding dawned on Hana, her words growing gentler than they were a few seconds ago. “And that you don’t want to be over.”

Minji shook her head, tears running down faster. “I want to be with her. Love her like she deserves to be loved. Like I know I am capable of. Let her love me back like she wants to. I want her back so much that I’ve been considering just giving in to what he wants, because being apart from her, especially when she’s right next to me, knowing that she still loves me, is torture.” Minji took a breath, “But I know she won’t want that. And that I won’t be that person who can love her right afterwards. That I’m not even that person right now with all the choices I’ve made…” Minji wiped at her eyes, trying to see past those blinding shimmers of pain. “I… I have to let her go, d-don’t I?”

Her heart protested the words but it was too weak to fight anymore, only managing to rattle the skeleton cage it was in with its cries.

She couldn't keep them in this limbo that only she knew about anymore.

She texted the CEO about meeting as soon as she said goodbye to Hana, agreeing to keep Hana’s advice about keep herself safe in mind. The response was an immediate “Now” before she had even managed to reach Yoohyeon, who stood up from the bench to greet her with a soft welcoming smile.

Minji was the one to reach out a hand and the action obviously surprised Yoohyeon, but she didn’t hesitate to immediately take it.

Her heart was acting like a little child that was being taken away from their favorite toy. Except this wasn’t a game, and Minji was dragging it away from the only home it knew. “Could you drop me off at the company?”

Yoohyeon’s eyes widened in alarm, “The company? Now? But Joowon—”

“—I have a meeting with him,” she wouldn’t prolong this anymore. She was going to say goodbye to the chapter of her life that was Yoohyeon tonight. She was going to rip up their story, scatter it to the ends of the earth, and pray to god that the winds might bring it together again someday; if not in this life then the next.

“Minji, you don’t have to do that right now. It can wait,” Yoohyeon didn’t know it but she was arguing for them. “You just finished therapy, and I can tell that it was a heavy session.”

Minji brought her other hand to Yoohyeon’s cheek, and the lead vocalist immediately leaned into the touch.

It didn’t seem fair that Yoohyeon hadn’t known that even though Minji had broken up with her, that every minute of every day Minji was so close to taking it back and begging her for forgiveness. But maybe that was a kindness to Yoohyeon because then her heart didn’t have to break a second time tonight. Minji’s heart wasn’t afforded the same.

“Please… I need to do this,” Minji whispered as she took a step closer to the love she was letting go of.

Yoohyeon’s breath hitched at Minji’s proximity, and it drew Minji’s eyes to her lips for a fraction of a second. Hana told her that she should be kinder to herself. Not letting herself get too hypnotized by Yoohyeon would be such self-preservation.

“M-minji?” Yoohyeon’s voice trembled.

Now she was just being cruel. But didn’t she deserve a moment of reprieve? After everything she’s sacrificed, after everything she has been through, and all the pain tonight was bringing. Didn’t she deserve this one moment? The part of her that ached to console her argued, and Minji let go of Yoohyeon’s hand to wrap her arm around her waist instead, the hand that was at Yoohyeon’s cheek moving to the back of her head.

Minji closed the remaining distance between them, and kissed Yoohyeon on the forehead before she hugged Yoohyeon as tightly as she could. Because of course the rest of her that loved Yoohyeon more than anything and couldn’t stand the tears that were welling up in her eyes won.

The kindness she offered herself instead was this hug where she tried to pour every ounce of love she had in, hoping it would stay with Yoohyeon where it belonged rather than come back to this empty soul.

“Are you okay?” Yoohyeon’s voice was choke full of emotion. There was no doubt about Yoohyeon receiving the words she wasn’t saying. Yoohyeon’s arms wrapping around her just the same.

“I could be better,” Minji whispered into the night, meaning it in every kind of way.

Yoohyeon’s arms wrapped around her too. “You will be better.”

And who was she to argue with the conviction Yoohyeon had in her.

“I’ll be better,” Minji promised Yoohyeon, herself, and the setting sun that would be the only light in her life from now on. She will be.

————————————————

“I broke things off… with Yoo—Yooh-yeon. It’s over,” it took Minji’s full power, to stand there, completely stripped of all that is Yoohyeon, and not cry at her own declaration. The words solidifying her new reality. A world where Yoohyeon was no longer hers. A world where Yoohyeon’s name was synonym with heartache.

The CEO seemed caught off guard by her news, eyebrows raising in surprise for a second before his face fell back to emotionless. “I didn’t ask you to.”

Technically he never said those words, but he never needed to. “You told me I made a stupid, selfish decision and I needed to do what’s best for Dreamcatcher. That this was jeopardizing everything we worked for. But it’s over now…”

The CEO sighed, “You don’t seem to be taking this very well.”

If this was before everything, she would’ve thought he cared.

Minji shrugged. How the hell was she supposed to answer that?

“And I’m guessing neither is Yoohyeon,” he added, making tears sting her eyes. She didn’t need the reminder of what she was putting the other girl through. Yoohyeon who was so loving that she still wouldn’t leave her side even when Minji gave her a million reasons to.

He tapped on his desk a few times with his pen before sighing again, “Take tomorrow off Jiu. All of you.”

Now it was Minji’s turn to be surprised. “But the rehearsal—”

“I’ll tell them to shorten it to just the day after. You all know what you’re doing. I think it’s counterproductive to try to make either of you work right now.”

Minji didn’t know how to react to this unexpected kindness. He didn’t need to know that the breakup didn’t just happen like Minji was saying it. She evidently looked heartbroken over having to let Yoohyeon go that it was like the breakup just happened for her anyway. “Thank you…”

The CEO hummed, “I trust you two are professional enough to not let this affect your work.”

“Of course,” Minji lied.

How could this not affect the part of their work that relied on interacting with each other? How could Minji get immersed in their choreographies where she was paired with Yoohyeon, and look the other girl in the eyes as if she was just a work colleague and not the one who her heart wanted to beat for.

“Good,” he said, then raised an eyebrow when Minji didn’t move. “Anything else?”

Considering he was the one to call for this meeting, he didn't actually bring anything up. Had he decided that she had enough on her plate tonight?

“I did what you wanted… Everything will be back to how it was…” Minji didn’t manage to phrase it as either a statement or a question. She just wanted everything back to normal.

“Meaning?”

Minji took a deep breath. She already did the hard part. Broke Yoohyeon’s heart. Smashed her own. Decided to truly let Yoohyeon go. Everything else should be a piece of cake after that.

“With how Dreamcatcher is run. How I lead the group. The commercials, the… networking… the visual push. It’s all over. I just want everything back to normal,” the sentence was shaky at best, and she hardly had any will in her delivery, but it was the best she could manage.

There was a long pause.

Then the CEO started laughing. A sinister sound that filled the room and made Minji’s battered heart cower in her chest.

“Oh Jiu Jiu Jiu,” he said as he stood up from his seat and walked around his desk. “Is this why you broke up with Yoohyeon?”

He moved so he was standing right behind her and leaned in so his whispered words were delivered right into her ear.

“Did you really think I cared about who you’re fucking?”

Chapter Text

“Did you really think I cared about who you’re fucking?”

It was like her entire body was dunked in ice cold water.

“You really have still have so much to learn Jiu-yah,” his condescending words like a wind blowing when she was already drenched. “I almost feel bad for Yoohyeona. Getting her heart broken because you are so naive.”

He finally moved away from her, walking back to his desk and she could see the amusement written all over his face.

“I mean I really didn’t think you had it in you… to break her heart like that. But I guess it’s true what your fans say: you are Dreamcatcher’s number 1 fan. Such admirable dedication really. I applaud you.”

Minji swallowed the bile that was rising in her throat, “I don’t understand…”

“Then let me make it clear since you seem to be a bit confused, this changes nothing Jiu. You both already violated your contracts. You will do as I say and without any arguments. I don’t even know why you would be upset about anything that I’ve asked you to do, you are making more money this year than the last couple of years combined. All of you. If you need more concrete numbers than what you’ve received from the endorsements, wait for the album pre-orders to start and you’ll see. The projections are off the charts.”

“I don’t care about the money…”

“Everyone cares about money, Jiu,” then he paused, remembering something. “But right, you don’t like to be known for your visuals… What a waste, all these years. People would kill for your face and body in this industry. Other executives and PDs always asked me why I don’t make use of yours, but I was also a bit naive, thinking if I just let you do what you want, you’ll shine brighter in the public’s eyes… But people are stupid. They won’t care about your music or personality on their own. You’ve seen it too by now. Liking you comes later, after you hook them in. It was my fault all these years for not tapping into that mine but look how much has changed these past weeks. Look how much attention YOU managed to get Dreamcatcher all on your own.

“Just continue doing what is best for Dreamcatcher. Otherwise, we can proceed with termination for contract violation. The letter is right here, I just need to sign it,” he pulled out an envelope from his top drawer.

“You would end Dreamcatcher?” Minji finally managed to form some words. The fear that gripped her was paralyzing even her brain. That fucking envelope she saw in her nightmares.

“It would only be one person leaving. If the others choose to follow… well that’s up to them, there’s still time left in everyone else’s contracts to get out an album and a full tour unless everyone would pay the fee for early termination,” the nonchalance rubbing salt in the already festering wound. “The trainees have already been selected for the new girl group and they’re working hard and shaping up quite nicely under all the guidance you guys have given them so I guess I should thank you for that.

“This company might be called Dreamcatcher company, but your group disbanding wouldn’t be the end of it. It would only be the end of your careers. So, I would remind you again to choose your actions very wisely, Jiu.”

Minji closed her eyes but instead of the same fear that had her cowering and compliant for months, something else took root. A seed that was planted deep inside the wreckage of her heart the day she broke up with Yoohyeon now just received the final nutrition to be in full bloom.

Her voice was deadly steady when she said, “I’m not doing this anymore.”

“Need I remind you about the contract you violated—”

“Then fire me, or here, I’ll save you the effort,” Minji grabbed the envelope and a pen and started scribbling on the back of the envelope.

“What are you doing?”

“Here, it’s my letter of resignation. Is there a two weeks’ notice in our field or is it effective immediately?” Minji threw the envelope on the desk, and it slid till it stopped in front of him.

“Are you crazy? You do realize there’s a contract termination fee, right? I don’t think you can afford—”

“You can take back every single penny I made, I don’t care,” Minji had nothing to lose anymore. They took it all away from her. Yoohyeon, her family, her dream.

The CEO laughed condescendingly, “Oh it’s much more than that, you would be liable to pay damages to compensate for the loss of profit from terminating early, and boy would these damages be at all time high right now.”

“Then you can drag it out in lawsuits and in the end you won’t get money that I don’t have anyway and just end up with fans hating on you every day,” Minji shrugged.

She saw how the CEO swallowed and her eyes widened in realization. “Oh wait, but you just bet your company’s future on my visuals, didn’t you? All these plans you made, the projections you’re so excited about are all because of my face, my body, my name.” Now it was Minji’s turn to laugh, “How many of those people are still going to be buying into Dreamcatcher with me gone? And how many of our original fans are gonna give you money if you’re dragging me in court and I start talking about all the shit that has happened?”

“You would really sabotage Dreamcatcher like this?” He asked in disbelief.

“You know the members will be on my side. The moment I tell them, it’s all over,” what was always her source of fear was now her weapon. “And they won’t even have to lose any money over it, our initial contracts are expiring. How much money can you make out of an unwilling group in a few months? Will it be worth it?”

“Jiu, be reasonable. You and Yoohyeon have violated your contracts. If you don’t care, then think about Yoohyeon’s future.”

Minji’s shoved her hands in her pocket to hide how they were trembling. She might not care about her own career anymore, but she never wanted to risk the other members’ like that. Never wanted to be the reason why Yoohyeon would lose her dream like that. Just having her lose the collaboration with Sunmi already brought Minji to her knees in apology. If she didn’t manage to pull this off and Yoohyeon’s future really became in jeopardy, Minji would never forgive herself. And what was worse, Yoohyeon would never forgive her.

“If you want to fire us and we fight it, then you will have to disclose the reason for termination.”

“Yeah, and are you prepared to live with the consequences of that? Your careers would be over—”

“—Maybe,” it wasn’t like they never discussed the possibility of their relationship coming out in the open. “Or maybe since we have such an international fan following anyway it won’t matter at all. If anything, you know this would only serve to make us more popular overseas. You have part of the marketing team that just surveys which member interactions the fans enjoy so you can sell them the fan service. This would be the real deal. And again, what are you gonna be left with when you fire us two, the rest don’t renew their contracts, and the world hates Dreamcatcher Company for being homophobic? Good luck with getting any money from international fans again, and we don’t have a strong enough Korean following that would stand by your decision. I’m sure the company’s board will have something to say about that.”

Just like he has opened her eyes to the fact that he didn’t actually care about who she was in a relationship with, and that it was all a way to control her for profit, Minji now realized that the company’s board will also only be thinking about profit. Sure, maybe a couple of them will support the CEO for their morals, but the rest will only be thinking about all the lost revenue.

The CEO stared at the envelope that had both a letter of resignation on the outside and a letter of termination on the inside for a while, then got up and put it in the shredder next to his desk with a clenched jaw.

“What do you want?” The CEO spat out as the noise from the machine filled the room, like fireworks celebrating Minji’s victory.

Minji smirked in satisfaction only to piss him off more. “I already told you. I’m not doing this anymore. Everything goes back to normal. I am Dreamcatcher’s leader and decisions go through me. Not a single schedule is added without my approval, any discussions that need to happen with the members are told to me first and I talk to the members about it if I find it agreeable, any collaborations or endorsement you already agreed to are up to me if I want to do them, and if I decide to cancel, the company is entirely responsible for any legal aspects or fees or cancellation penalties. And this starts with the Knowing Bros episode.”

The CEO stood, “Jiu come on, now you really want to screw Dreamcatcher over, do you have any idea how much exposure that show would get you?”

“Will the episode still happen if I don’t go to dinner with that Lee Sangwon jerk?”

He exhaled.

“Do you even know what he did? You must know what he’s after with this dinner, you placed me at the seat next to that man. He was here at the company!” Minji couldn’t help her anger.

He looked away and she scoffed. “Right… you wouldn’t want to know. Because then you would be liable. And your whole play was based on everything being my choice.”

And things just clicked. She told Hana that she didn’t understand what he was doing, and the therapist had tried to tell her the CEO was not a good person. Sunmi had warned her that once a company gets a whiff of money, they would do anything to keep it coming. Minji was just so damn blindly in love to think of anything past her relationship with Yoohyeon, and he took full advantage of that.

A self-deprecating laugh left her, “That was why you were trying to sell me on the visual promotions even though I was doing what you wanted anyway. There was only so much you can force me to do with a smile on my face. You needed me to come on board your plan for it to truly work in the long run. But not anymore. Cancel the episode or I go online and tell the world about the bruises he left on my body, and we can see what would get more exposure.”

“They would eat you alive Jiu,” the CEO cautioned, sounding almost caring in his warning. “No one will believe you; they’ll say you’re doing it for attention. The Dreamcatcher invitation hasn’t been announced or put down in writing anywhere yet.”

He was right. Their fans might believe them, but there will always be others that will sooner defend a man that they don’t know than believe a woman. There will be his buddies making sure she and the group were slandered just so that they all stay in the clear. Cut from the same cloth, nooses around those weaker than them.

Minji took a deep breath. “You’re forgetting I have a pretty big witness who hundreds of cameras saw me with that night.”

The CEO frowned for a few seconds, then his eyes widened in realization. “Irene…”

Minji would never drag the Red Velvet leader into this mess, but he didn’t need to know that. She didn’t just have Irene as a direct witness, but Sunmi too, as well as Seulgi and Wendy for the aftermath. It was comforting knowing that there were at least some people who do know the truth without her telling them. People who not only believed her but also would be willing to speak up for her from what she saw that night, and what Sunmi told her.

“I don’t think you have enough money or power to mess with her. And she really hates Lee Sangwon,” Minji steeled her words. “Thank you for opening my eyes to how things are. I can see it all clearly now. You know my terms. So, it’s up to you if you want your company to survive or not.”

‘It’s up to you if you want Dreamcatcher to survive or not,’ he had told her before.

There was something gleeful in her at seeing his expression sour, that damned superior smirk nowhere in sight, after he has made her life hell for months.

It was a victory for Minji. She got rid of his hold on her. She was free.

Yet it felt so empty.

Because she was so stupid.

Everything inside of Minji was screaming.

How could she have been so stupid?

Everything was blurry around her.

She ruined everything. Between her and Yoohyeon. Dreamcatcher.

Minji had no idea where her feet were carrying her.

She fucked everything up. Dreamcatcher were hanging by a thread of a complete bluff.

She destroyed what she and Yoohyeon had for no reason.

She promised to always do what was best for them, but she failed them.

How was she so stupid?

She was barely feeling the way her fists were hitting her head, bones bouncing off an empty skull.

They didn't deserve someone so stupid.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

————————

“Hey hey hey! Stop!” Yoohyeon grabbed Minji’s hands, trying to stop the onslaught that was already leaving the leader’s forehead reddened from the impact. “Stop Minji, stop!”

Yoohyeon had to use force to try to still Minji’s hands because the eldest didn’t seem to hear her. “Minji, stop, you’re gonna hurt yourself!”

Thankfully Yoohyeon’s touch was effective, even in whatever state Minji was in, her subconscious wouldn’t let her accidentally hurt Yoohyeon.

Yoohyeon was panting from the effort that took, she has never seen Minji like this before. “What’s going on? What happened?”

“Pathetic. I am so fucking pathetic,” Minji said angrily. “How could you stand to look at me? I can’t even look at you from how ashamed I am for being this FUCKING STUPID—”

Yoohyeon was so taken aback at how much anger Minji was directing at herself that she was silent till she couldn’t bear to hear what Minji was saying anymore. “—STOP! Minji, you—you’re not pathetic or stupid… why would you ever think tha—what happened in the meeting with Joowon?”

Apparently, that was the wrong thing to ask because Minji immediately took a few steps away from her as if the question burned her.

“Minji?” Yoohyeon tried to take a step closer.

Minji’s raised hand in front of her stopped her. “Don’t!”

Minji was overtaken by an energy that sent shivers down Yoohyeon’s spine. The leader’s body was shaking in a mix of anger that was directed both outwards and inwards, and it was sending very real tremors down Minji’s body. Minji was pacing up and down the room, hands moving irrationally from clutching her head, to pushing her hair back roughly, to wiping down her face, to her arms wrapping around herself, then unwrapping, and fists clenching and unclenching. Like Minji didn’t know what to do with herself.

Getting worried about Minji’s state of mind, Yoohyeon with a thundering heartbeat tried again. “Minji…” she called out softly. “What’s going on?”

“Stop. Please,” Minji pleaded with her, desperate eyes only briefly meeting hers as the pacing continued.

Yoohyeon fell silent, lips trembling as she tried to hold her tears back. Seeing Minji like this was hurting her so much. The leader was headed for a breakdown any minute now and there was nothing Yoohyeon could do to stop it.

But when she heard Minji’s breathing turning more labored, Yoohyeon couldn’t stand by idly, and ventured a step towards the leader.

Minji’s head snapped towards her. “What part of stop do you not understand?”

Yoohyeon froze at the venom in Minji’s words. Her concern overwhelmed the part of her that was getting hurt by Minji’s uncharacteristic tone. “The part where you’re about to get a full-blown panic attack.”

“Then let me panic, maybe if I stop breathing then I can stop feeling this fucking way right now,” Minji sobbed.

The words fell like a hammer onto Yoohyeon’s heart, a crack right down the middle.

“Minji…”

Minji groaned in a mix of frustration and pain, “Space. Yoohyeon, I need space.”

Another crack.

Minji called for the one thing that Yoohyeon had promised back that she would give if asked for. The tears stung her eyes, and Yoohyeon bit her lower lip to stop herself from crying. She didn’t know what to do. She couldn’t leave Minji alone, but she also needed to respect her request.

“That’s not fair to ask right now…” Yoohyeon told her with a wavering voice.

“Do NOT talk to me about fair,” Minji growled. But all Yoohyeon could hear was the pain decorating every word, every heaving breath.

Yoohyeon refused to leave in a moment like this, “If that’s what you want then I’ll do it. I’ll stay away from now on. But not right now. Not when you’re like this…”

If things didn’t seem so volatile here, Yoohyeon would’ve stormed off to the CEO’s office and demanded answers for what he could’ve possibly said to Minji to get her so riled up and hurt.

“Then you can take me h-home,” it seemed like all the energy had gone out of Minji at Yoohyeon’s response, her voice completely deflated.

“Okay, unnie,” Yoohyeon swallowed her tears and hurt back.

She didn’t understand how things went so wrong. The hug Minji gave her earlier… it was so full of love that Yoohyeon had found herself floating in it, especially with the way that Minji had looked at her right before. How did she go from that to feeling like she just lost Minji for good?

Even though Minji wasn’t panicking anymore, Yoohyeon just knew that this sudden calm wasn’t any better. If anything, it was more worrying. Minji was letting Yoohyeon walk her out of the company, but her eyes were completely devoid of life.

Chapter Text

Things were normal again. With work, the scheduling, how things were run. Minji was even reminded about a couple of scheduled promo photoshoots and out of defiance just rejected them without even asking what they were for, and that was the end of it, no arguments or anything from management. Just like she wanted.

But nothing was the same anymore.

The photographer had brought them the finished portfolio of edited photos for them to choose the ones that would go into the photobook of the album, and which ones they were okay with using for other promotional material. The photos all looked great, Minji remembering the second day clearly, and the photos reflected how re-empowered she felt that day after her talk with Handong.

The members were all excited about the photos of the second and third day especially and all voted for most promotion photos to come from these, despite the first day having had the outfits the company would have wanted to showcase. Minji looked in disgust at the unreasonable tightness and cut of her fit, now really seeing it for what it was when back then she hadn't  objected in the haze she was in after the breakup. But with Minji’s role back to its former glory, she got to push through the members’ wishes with little resistance. Her take up of her leader mantle again earned her proud smiles from the members, with some pats on the back from Bora, who understood the most by now how heavy the title actually was.

Minji smiled at her members and excused herself to the bathroom. But the moment the door closed, her smile fell, and the tears finally escaped her eyes. She had everything she wanted. Minji turned on the faucet to drown out the sound of her sobs. She looked at herself in the mirror briefly, but had to close her eyes because she couldn’t stand it. The price she paid for what she wanted was too high, and nothing was really the same now that Minji could see the truth of it all. The tears wouldn’t stop falling.

But there was a downside to her requests being respected, Yoohyeon has been keeping her distance just like Minji asked. It wasn’t that the lead vocalist wasn’t talking to her at all, but things were kept to professional politeness both at work and at home. Yoohyeon only talked to her directly when it was about Dreamcatcher, and Minji always kept herself busy so as to keep her eyes away from the lead vocalist’s.

Minji couldn’t bring herself to regret the request for space even if it multiplied the emptiness she was already lost in and obviously impacted the members who wanted to support them both. Yoohyeon was never going to move on if Minji had kept her tethered to her like that, their post-breakup arrangement so far only serving to delay reality, giving Minji chances to keep hurting Yoohyeon, and it wasn’t fair when Minji had let go of all intentions of getting back together right before she had talked to the CEO. Finding out the truth only made Minji make the clear cut.

“Yoohyeona you need to eat more,” Bora’s reprimand rang out from the kitchen, and Minji immediately stopped in her tracks, having opened her bedroom door to step out.

“I am literally eating right now unnie,” came Yoohyeon’s response.

“Don’t be sassy with me, you know what I mean. More . You need to eat more if you're going to be working out this much.”

There was silence this time.

Bora continued, “Yooh, I’m not kidding. I am not letting you collapse because you insist on working out two times a day in addition to our dance practices—”

“—I can’t sleep,” a spoon clattered in a bowl. Then in a quieter voice, Yoohyeon continued. “I forgot how to sleep without her next to me, okay? And now that we’re not talking at all, everything is just… If I don’t exhaust my body, then I’m up all night thinking of what happened and what could’ve been, and you’re waking up because of my tossing and turning.”

Minji’s face crunched as the tears burned her nose and eyes at the pain behind Yoohyeon’s words. She did this. She took the solid rock that Yoohyeon was for her and smashed it into little pieces.

There was a pause, then Bora was softer when she said, “I know you’re hurting. A lot… And I’m not gonna tell you to go to the gym less when I know it keeps your mind off things. But only if you do it in a healthy way. Just eat more please, I don’t wanna watch you fade away too Yoohyeona…”

“I’ll try my best, okay?”

“That’s all I ask for,” Bora said in a soft tone. “I love you, Yoohyeona.”

Yoohyeon whined, “Come on now, there is no reason for being all mushy.”

“You brat! Is this how you respond to someone telling you they love you?”

Minji muffled her watery laugh as she listened to the duo bicker, thankful that Bora was taking care of the mess she had made of Yoohyeon's  heart.

Minji was glad that Yoohyeon respected her decision, and in turn also didn’t make it harder for Yoohyeon by seeking contact, no matter how much her soul yearned for just a touch. But she could see that it was taking Yoohyeon a tremendous effort to stay away.

Especially right now.

It was time for Minji to leave for her therapy appointment and she was only half surprised to find Siyeon waiting for her by the apartment door, car key in hand, very much not the one her heart was hoping for. It was ridiculous that even an awkward, silent car ride would’ve been so desirable just because it would bring her in proximity to Yoohyeon. Minji chastised herself for her selfishness.

“Ready to go unnie?” Siyeon asked gently.

Minji saw that Yoohyeon was sitting on the sofa, stubbornly keeping her eyes locked on the book in her hand. But it was easy to tell that the younger girl wasn’t paying attention considering that the book was upside down. Yoohyeon was dressed in jeans, heavy sweater, and warm socks. As if ready to go out and brave the cold, and Minji realized that Yoohyeon was keeping herself ready and available in case Minji needed her to accompany her. It would be the first time that Yoohyeon didn’t after all.

Tears welled in Minji’s eyes at Yoohyeon’s thoughtfulness, that even when Minji had pushed her so far away that they couldn’t exchange more than a few words a day, Yoohyeon was still committed to Minji’s wellbeing, knowing that her presence was a reason for Minji feeling safe while she opened up at the therapy sessions.

With a now familiar heaviness in her chest, Minji tore her eyes away from Yoohyeon and looked at Siyeon. “Yeah, let’s go.”

This was the life her choices have led her to.

—————————————

Yoohyeon gave up the pretense and threw the book to the side when the apartment door closed. She angrily wiped at the tears that escaped her eyes in the silence of the dorm, and took her wool sweater off, feeling too warm and too silly. Things have been so rough, and she realized that she was selfishly hoping that Minji still needed her with this one thing. But obviously when Minji asked for space, she really meant it.

And Yoohyeon couldn’t even bring herself to be too upset with Minji. She was relieved that the leader seemed to be doing better and more in control of her life. She still didn’t know what it was that changed that night that got Minji to push her away, but if the outcome was the improvements she was seeing, then what was a little heartache to pay?

Except, the little heartache was more like a lot of heartbreak, and Bora was probably getting tired of getting out of her own bed to comfort a crying Yoohyeon on the nights she couldn’t sleep, her mind filled with the disarray Minji left behind. It was a mix of missing Minji so much and the ongoing confusion about everything that went down from their initial breakup to their final one. Because that’s what Minji asking for space really felt like, unlike before when they still talked and had reached a point where they acknowledged their continued love for one another. This time, Yoohyeon was left with nothing but an empty bed, a broken heart, and an hour of running in the morning just so she could get enough mental strength for the day, and two hours of heavy lifting at night just so her tired body could stop her brain from whirling.

It didn’t help that Yoohyeon was well aware that Minji didn’t treat her right at the end, she didn’t need the other members’ reminders that she was allowed to be angry. Yoohyeon had been so patient because she has seen how much self-torment Minji was putting herself through, and had hoped that when Minji did get some mental clarity that she would talk to her and finally explain things given how much the older woman said she loved her. But instead, when Minji seemed like she was improving, everything suddenly flipped, and she tossed Yoohyeon to the side like there hadn’t been other promises between them besides the one of mutually respected space. So there was an anger with the leader that simmered below the surface of her skin, but it was never really reaching the boiling point which would give her the emotional release from Minji.

Because even after all this hurt, Yoohyeon knew Minji so well and knew that there was a reason for all her hurtful actions. It wasn’t something that Yoohyeon just told herself to feel better. All the puzzle pieces that Yoohyeon collected had to fit together somehow, but no matter how hard she tried, she just couldn’t get the bigger picture without Minji giving her the key. Minji had encompassed her with all the love in the world with one hug, went into a meeting with the CEO, and came out distraught like she had never seen her before, then took everything away. Nothing was the same anymore, yet everything seemed just fine. And it was this not knowing that was keeping Yoohyeon up right now, the clock glaring 3:37 am at her, mocking her still being emotionally intertwined with a seemingly insouciant Minji.

Yoohyeon’s gut told her what she was seeing right now was an act, but her mind reasoned that even if it were, Minji was choosing to put it up instead of at least being honest like before and just saying she didn’t want to or couldn’t to talk about it. From the few conversations they’ve had when Minji started opening up to them, they have found out that there was so much going on behind the scenes and things that have deeply hurt Minji whether it was the focus on her visuals that messed with her self-image, or the company dealing out punishments and exacting their wishes on Minji, or something as horrifying as the JTBC executive pursuing Minji so openly to the point of not just putting his hands on Minji in public but also coming to their company like he did nothing wrong. The thought that there was obviously more things that they didn’t know about made sleep elude her as the minutes passed by uncaring of her turmoil.

And to add on top of all this, Minji was battling with invisible enemies, depression, anxiety, and panic, and Yoohyeon did not underestimate how much this trifecta was messing with Minji’s mind and making her become this person that was so far out of Yoohyeon’s and the others’ reach. Yoohyeon prayed that the help Minji was getting would at least give Minji’s soul some peace, if nothing else. And so Yoohyeon remained stuck in this tug of war between who she knew Minji to be and who Minji’s actions was showing her to be, and yet another night where Bora had to come to her bed, caring hand carding through her hair in a repetitive motion to lull her overworked mind and body into a much-needed sleep.

The days were as rough as the nights when she was exhausted and so much of her energy was spent on just avoiding Minji since they lived and worked together. It was impossible for her to ignore Minji’s presence to the point where she kept admonishing herself to get it together, but whenever the leader was in the room, all of Yoohyeon’s concentration was on trying to seem like she wasn’t paying attention to her when really every cell of her body was still attuned to Minji. Harder even when she would see that there were little things that Minji was struggling with and instead of offering to help her, she would have to watch one of the other members step in. She felt so useless, having all this love and knowledge about Minji and having nowhere to put it.

The worst was when Minji and Siyeon came back from the therapy session, evidence of its heaviness clear in Minji’s puffy eyes and tear-stricken cheeks and Yoohyeon had to pretend her focus was entirely on the drama on the TV and that her heart was not trying to grow legs to run to Minji.

When the leader went to her room, Yoohyeon was shamelessly immediately on Siyeon. “Did something happen?”

Siyeon sighed as she sat next to Yoohyeon, and answered her. Yoohyeon was glad that her members understood that she couldn’t just completely cut Minji out of her thoughts and that she still cared about her. “I don’t know… but Hana talked to me about switching her anti-depressant to a stronger one.”

Yoohyeon’s chest ached. “But… I thought she was getting better?” The leader put up such a believable front that Yoohyeon and the rest were falling for ‘everything was back to normal’ agenda that Minji was pushing, and Yoohyeon’s gut was twisting in an ‘I told you so’.

“I thought so too. Apparently not. At least she’s being honest with Hana, I guess?” Siyeon said with down-turned lips. “Ever since that meeting with the CEO, things have been weird…”

Siyeon and Bora had failed to find out what happened in that meeting when outwardly, all that was wrong was Minji and Yoohyeon weren’t talking anymore. Outwardly, nothing was odd with Minji’s schedule anymore, she was back to choosing her own outfits like the rest of them, and no extra promotions that Minji didn’t want to do. The discussion that Minji went in to have with the CEO was obviously fruitful. Nevertheless, there was a feeling of instability that plagued all of them which they didn’t know the source of.

“Yeah,” Yoohyeon scowled at the reminder of the night her skies turned gray with the absence of Minji from her life. “That…”

—————————————

The moment Hana had asked her how she was doing, Minji burst into tears, surprising both the therapist and herself. Hana was attentive and sympathetic as she listened to Minji’s re-telling of what had happened.

“…The whole special clip and everything that has happened because of it. Everything was planned when I thought it was brought on by my choices, wasn’t it?” Minji wiped her tears, already knowing the answer to her question.

Hana gave her a gentle smile, “I know it must be more stressful for you to realize that things were actually out of your hand, but I am glad you’re finally seeing that. From everything you’ve told me Minji, what was happening hardly seemed like it was a proportional reaction from your company even if you had made a mistake, which I will again remind you that you didn’t.

“But I do urge you to be very careful now Minji because I doubt that after all what your CEO asked of you and how much money was riding on your compliance that he would let this go so easily. And you told me that your friend Sunmi thinks the same too, and she is a lot more knowledgeable about your industry than me.”

Minji had no way of knowing if the CEO would let things really continue going on as normal as they have been or if he was quietly stewing another plan. Sunmi had been so proud of Minji for having stood up to the CEO but had warned her about the backlash because she was sure that he wouldn’t be okay with Minji having that much power over the company. Power that Minji didn’t even want but was forced by the CEO to threaten that she had. It was another thing that was clouding her newly found freedom.

“I’m just so sad all the time now. I don’t know what to do with myself,” Minji admitted. “Waking up and getting out of bed is so difficult, but I have to. Now that everything is back to normal, I can’t l-let them down. There’s a lot riding on this comeback, and maybe if it all goes as well as it is expected to even with me being in charge again then the CEO would see that there is no need for all this scheming. But if I’m being honest, I wish I didn’t have to do it… Everything is just fine, but the makeup artists had to fix my makeup 3 times yesterday because I can’t stop crying whenever I get a moment to myself…”

Learning that all the pain she had gone through was not at all for love like she thought and was all about money was something that left a permanent mark on Minji. She had never been fighting for her relationship with Yoohyeon to exist like she was led to believe, and instead her love was used to generate profit in the shallowest way possible.

Hana was concerned by Minji’s words and suggested a change in medication to help her a bit with balancing out her brain chemistry, and even though she trusted Hana by this point, Minji still asked, “If you could talk to Yoohye—” then she interrupted herself, a quick look to her safety bench reminding her of who wasn’t with her today. “—to Siyeon first, please.”

“Of course,” Hana quickly assured, then slowly added, “I can’t help but notice Yoohyeon isn’t with you today. It’s a bit unusual?”

Minji bit her lower lip, “Yoohyeon and I aren’t really speaking anymore.”

Of all the things that Minji said tonight, this seemed to actually surprise Hana. “Why?”

“I asked her for space. After I talked to the CEO. I couldn’t look at her anymore…”

“Do you blame her for what happened?”

Minji startled, “What? Of course not! I blame myself. I’ve let her down in ways she doesn’t even know. Again. I can’t keep letting her love me like nothing happened.”

“So you’re punishing yourself by depriving yourself of her love and support?” Hana asked directly.

Minji knew what Hana was doing but there was no logic around this. “I made my choices, and he wasn’t wrong in saying actions have consequences. I let her go. Now I truly live with that.”

Hana frowned, “Things are back to normal at work for now, and you know now that it had nothing to do with your relationship. That your boss was using finding out about it as a ploy to manipulate you into doing what he wants. So what’s stopping you from getting back with Yoohyeon?”

Minji quickly quashed down the pieces of her heart before they could rise from the ashes. “I don’t deserve her. And she doesn’t deserve someone who would give her up so stupidly like that. She is the one who needs this space away from me in order for her to stop hurting and move on with her life, but she would’ve never asked for it. I needed to step up and be the one to do it.”

“You’re going to have to forgive yourself one day, Minji,” Hana said kindly. “And this won’t happen without an honest conversation with Yoohyeon. The guilt from not explaining things to her and leaving her in the dark is part of what’s troubling you so much, and what you’re doing right now might lead you down a path of a self-fulfilling prophecy where she might actually start to resent you.

“I’ve gotten to know you quite well, and I know how much you love her, even if some of the things you did were misguided, though I can hardly fault you for it when you were being actively manipulated like that. If you think you can just torture yourself instead and that this would somehow atone for it, I’m telling you it won’t—”

“—What’s the point of talking to her when it’s all said and done? She would just hate me, forever. I would rather live with my guilt than have freedom from it and have her hate me for sure instead. Ignorance is a bliss, and I’m giving her that. I wish I didn’t know the truth either…” Minji looked up at Hana with tears in her eyes, “Could you please just help me get on with my life without feeling like I’m constantly suffocating? Please…”

—————————————

She was hunched over for too long evidently because the members were now fussing over her.

“I’m fine, I’m fine,” Minji quickly assured, but a wave of nausea passed through her like a bullet train, and she felt her body giving out.

The members were already around her though, and so she was quickly caught, and felt how her upper body was being lowered back to rest on one of them.

“I—I’m gonna… throw up,” Minji managed to say, and she was immediately being maneuvered, a bin appearing just in time as she heaved the content of her stomach.

“It’s okay, Minji. You’re okay,” Bora soothed, a hand patting Minji’s back.

A cold towel was being pressed to her neck, as another towel cleaned her face. Minji couldn’t open her eyes, trying to keep another wave of nausea at bay, but she could feel them everywhere around her. Caring. Loving. Doting.

“What’s going on?” Sooyeon’s voice came in all concerned, they were in the middle of choreography practice for the music video after all. “I don’t make you guys work till this point, you know to ask for a break if you’re starting to feel sick, that’s my number one rule.”

Siyeon called out, “Yoohyeona?” urgency clouding the name.

“Checking…” Yoohyeon said then there was a pause before she confirmed. “Yeah, it could be side effects, it says: nausea and dizziness. It would be better if the doctor came here though, she shouldn’t just collapse like that out of nowhere.”

“I’ll get him,” Sooyeon offered.

“Minji, I need you to breathe, sweetheart,” Bora was instructing, a hand on her chest to make a point. “Can you do that for me? I don’t want you to pass out.”

Minji’s body was instinctively curling up into Siyeon’s hold, her face buried in her stomach, tears making their way down her cheeks involuntarily.

“Hey, hey it’s okay. We got you, okay? It’s the side effects, I know you feel really shitty right now, but it will pass I promise,” Siyeon’s fingers were lightly skimming over her face, and the knowledge from someone who has experienced this before that it will get better did make her feel a bit at ease. Just sucked that the world kept spinning and her heart was trying to jump out of her chest. Guess she had been lucky so far in her treatment journey to not experience anything as disruptive as this.

“The doctor is on his way,” Sooyeon announced.

“Can’t… don’t tell— therapy—” Minji struggled to talk with her insides wanting to be outside with her words.

Yoohyeon’s warmth on her back she could tell even in her state, a shock to her system, “You don’t want to tell the doctor about the therapy?”

Minji nodded. Why did Yoohyeon still understand her like that?

“But unnie, he needs to know about the meds to help you.”

Minji was pouring in all her effort to get the words out. This was important. “Please, the company can’t know.”

There was a pause, then Yoohyeon’s hand was on her face, and Minji needed to open her eyes, even if it made her feel sicker. She knew Yoohyeon would listen to her, but she needed the eye contact to make sure. It was the first time their eyes met since that night.

“Please… it’ll make things worse for me if they find out. They can make me stop, and I really need it. I really need—” Minji’s tears blinded her vision, and she was glad because it was almost too much for her to get a glimpse of the love and concern that were caged behind Yoohyeon’s gaze.

“No one is stopping you from getting the help you need,” Siyeon said firmly. “Never, unnie!”

Yoohyeon’s hand was brushing back her hair softly, the movement hypnotizing. “It’s okay, we’ll just… we’ll say you felt sick suddenly, and we won’t mention the meds or anything, and he can just make sure that everything is okay, and we—you can call Hana later and ask her about the medication.”

Minji felt the tension leave her tired body, and arms hugged her tighter as she let her body relax, Yoohyeon’s hand never leaving her back. Like an exiled guardian angel watching over her only when Minji couldn’t reject it.

——————————————

Yoohyeon had dropped all her reservations when Minji collapsed to help the leader in the moment, revealing that she was indeed still keeping up with Minji’s treatment plan and had all the info on hand for emergencies. And Minji’s body didn’t let her reject the comfort when her mind wasn’t in full control, seeking out Yoohyeon’s touch like the promise of water when she has been lost in a desert. And Minji hated it. It felt like it was all a pretense, that the wall Minji put between them was actually just empty scaffolding because no matter what she did, neither of them could pour in the concrete to solidify the end of their relationship and make those feelings go away.

That was until Minji opened the door to their practice room and saw Yoohyeon and of their dancers kissing, his arms around her waist pulling her into him as he tipped her back, Yoohyeon’s hand resting on his chest, her other arm around his neck.

Minji immediately looked away, something sinking in her stomach so heavily that it was like it tore the fabric of her reality. And if her heart wasn’t already in a thousand pieces by now, it would’ve disintegrated at the sight of the suddenly erected reinforced concrete wall between them.

This was her wish come true.

Chapter Text

Bora cleared her throat loudly, on purpose, starling the pair. The dancer right away stepped away from Yoohyeon, Minji wasn’t looking up anymore but could tell by the sound of shuffling feet and mumbled apologies as he headed towards the exit, right where she was.

She barely felt how his shoulder collided with hers when she remained rooted to her spot, but heard a “Hey, watch it!” from one of the younger members offended on her behalf.

Siyeon’s hand came to rest on Minji’s lower back in support, “Yoohyeon, what the—”

“—Don’t!” Minji stopped the main vocalist. “She’s free to do whatever she wants just like everyone of you,” Minji had no idea from what cavern she managed to pull the smile she fixed on her face. “But maybe not in the practice room in the future, please...” Before Yoohyeon could respond, Minji added, “I forgot my water bottle in the cafeteria.”

She left the room with splinters in her chest. She thought she wanted Yoohyeon to move on, but nothing could have prepared her for what that would actually look like. The tears wouldn’t even fall from how blindsided she was by the scene. She stepped outside in the courtyard, it was cold and she was only wearing her practice clothes, but it hardly affected her when she was already feeling numb.

A world where Yoohyeon wasn’t hers. Her brain was having a hard time processing it. Despite her resistance and doing everything opposite to it, Minji held a belief that Yoohyeon and her belonged together; but just now that belief took a hit that dwindled it down to merely a wish. Minji looked up at the clear blue sky mocking the gloominess she found herself in. She willed herself to keep breathing even if the image of his hands on Yoohyeon flashed in her mind with every inhale, and Yoohyeon’s hand on him with every exhale.

She focused on Yoohyeon just to keep a steady rate. Yoohyeon was no longer hers. Inhale. Minji pushed her to this. Exhale. Yoohyeon deserved to be loved. Inhale. Minji missed out on being that person. Exhale.

Minji continued this self-torment till the darkness of her world blackened her vision with spots from the erratic breathing spiral till a hand wrapped around her arm. Siyeon.

“Unnie?”

Minji stopped.

She was Dreamcatcher's  leader and they had practice.

Yoohyeon tried to talk to her as soon as she walked into the room, empty handed forgetting the excuse for her departure, but Minji instructed for practice to start right away, dodging the lead vocalist. Practice went by agonizingly slow with sympathetic looks constantly sent her ways from the members, and Yoohyeon’s eyes on her the whole time. But Bora was relentless and Minji was thankful for the physically demanding repetitions the main dancer asked for so that their synchronization was flawless.

————————

“I need a drink,” Minji answered Bora’s check-in after their showers, and the main dancer all too happily obliged, dragging Minji to a Pojangmacha before the other members were done.

Bora was excellent company with less talk, and a lot of shots lined up for the leader to drown her sorrows in.

With the alcohol mudding her pain, Minji finally managed to answer Bora’s question of “How are you doing, Minji?”

“To be honest, I’m not so good,” Minji gave a dumb smile.

Bora returned a pained smile, “I thought so… I know you’re probably not supposed to drink, and so much, with your meds, but with this afternoon…”

“I earned it,” Minji lifted her shot glass, cheering no one in particular before half downing it, half spilling it on herself.

Bora chuckled, taking away the glass from Minji and using some tissues to try to dry the leader’s face and shirt, “You’re a mess.”

Minji laughed, “That’s me!”

“Siyeon is going to kill me for this, I hope you know that.”

Minji waved her off, “Siyeon can never be mad at you. We should’ve taken her with us, she will for sure kill Yoohyeon is what’s gonna happen.” At the name of the lead vocalist slipping out, Minji seemed to sober up a bit. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to bring her up.”

Bora frowned, “You can talk about Yoohyeon if you want, Minji. I’ll listen. Today… I can’t even imagine what you must be feeling.”

“I feel nothing,” Minji said proudly as she reached for the soju bottle, then pouted when she realized it was empty.

Minji raised her hand to ask the server for more, but Bora was quicker, and pulled her arm down. “I think that’s enough for tonight.”

“Aw, don’t be like that Bboya,” Minji whined.

Bora gave a light scoff, “Now I know you’ve definitely had too much. This is going to hurt in the morning.”

“The hangover or Yoohyeon?”

Bora sighed, “Both. You are allowed to be upset, Minji—”

“—Nope. I have no rights when it comes to her. I am the one who broke up with her, remember? Then I pushed her far far far away just to make it stick,” Minji’s words might be a slurred mess, but they were full of conviction.

“Something I still don’t get. You obviously still love her, otherwise we wouldn’t be here right now with you trying to waterboard your pain.”

“I am a stupid idiot, have you not figured that out by now?” The slap to the back of her head sent the world in a spin. “Hey!”

Bora huffed, “Say stupid shit and you get hit.”

Minji cradled her head in her hands to stop the tent from turning. “I am though. If you know what I’ve done, you would hit me for a week straight.”

“What did you do?”

Minji whispered, as if it was a secret, “Broke the heart of the best person on this planet.”

“You are stupid, Kim Minji,” Bora said, folding her arms across her chest.

Minji gave a watery smile, “Told you.”

“I really don’t get you right now, and I’ve known you for my entire adult life,” Bora shook her head. “I thought with how you two have been after the breakup… that there was hope. That you just needed some time to sort things out in your head and it’ll work out. But suddenly you shut that door completely when things seemed to be getting better.

“And I know they’re not actually better given that you’re now switched to yet another anti-depressants since the last one made you so sick, and the one before was apparently not enough. But things were definitely better when you and Yoohyeon were still talking. This afternoon was bullshit, and I’m sure Yoohyeon has an explanation, maybe she was just trying to make you jealous—”

“—she wouldn’t do that,” Minji interrupted with eyes downcast. “She wouldn’t do something that would hurt me on purpose even if I hurt her.”

Bora softened, “She already texted me 5 times asking me to tell you that she needs to talk to you—”

“—I can’t talk to her,” Minji objected.

Bora narrowed her eyes, “You don’t need to talk, just listen to what she has to say. You. Owe. Her. That.”

Minji slumped in her seat, “Almost forgot who I was talking to.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Minji shrugged, “Just that you will take her side—” Bora didn’t hesitate to hit Minji on the back of the head again, “Ow!”

“If I were taking her side, I would’ve kicked your ass by now for breaking her heart,” Bora said sternly. “If I were taking her side, I wouldn’t have taken you out tonight just so that you could have some space to breathe away from everyone’s sympathy.”

Minji straightened up in her seat again, sounding serious. “Thank you, Bora. For everything you’ve been doing. Taking care of Yoohyeon. Taking my place in the team,” Minji dodged Bora’s incoming hand. “—What now?”

“I’m not taking your place,” Bora’s words were as sharp as her hits. “I was only helping out till you’re back on your feet. Because that’s what a good group member does. But don’t think for one second that you are not our leader.”

The shame was trickling back in, “I hadn’t really been a good leader for a while,” Minji raised her hand to stop Bora from reacting. “But I am back in my place now, I’ll do better for everyone.”

Bora looked at her contemplatively for a few seconds. “You’re not fooling anyone, you know? Not anymore…”

“What do you mean?”

“I know you hate it. Everything right now. That you’re just going through the motions sometimes. I just… I don’t know how to make it better for you. I can help everyone else, but for some reason you are just so far away from me. We were never like this, Minji,” the tears glistened in Bora’s eyes. “There’s a whole mountain between us, and I would climb to the top of Everest for any of you, but right now I don’t think you would even be there when I reach the top.”

Minji looked away at the raw emotions in the main dancer’s words. Bora was right, she wouldn’t find her because what Minji was on top of was a mountain of lies. “I don’t know how to come down.”

“You reach for me, Minji. For any of us. You signal us where you are,” then Bora frowned. “We’ve had too much to drink for metaphors. Just talk to us… really talk to us.”

“I’m not doing so good,” Minji found herself saying again. Maybe she was a lot drunker than she thought.

“I know sweetheart,” Bora grabbed Minji’s hand. “What’s been going on?”

“I found out that everything was a lie.”

Bora’s eyebrows dipped, “What do you mean?”

“The company only cares about money. It was all about the money. The whole time. I was just too self-centered, too obsessed, too stupid to know that.” A word vomit. “But I only found out when it was too late. After I already messed everything up. So now I have the truth, but it’s too much. Somehow the lie was better. The lie made it seem like I was in control, that I could do something about it. And so I did. But it was the wrong thing. I chose wrong. So now I have what I thought I wanted, but really I lost everything.”

“Minji… I am not really following you here. What does the company and money have to do with you losing… everything? Are you talking about Yoohyeon?”

“Everything!” Minji declared. “Don’t you see? Why can’t you see?” Minji looked at her own hands. The guilt dripping off like blood in her head. “Why can’t anyone see?”

When the silence stretched between them for a while, Bora sighed, “I think it’s time we go home Minji. You’re too drunk.”

She had been sobering up by the minute, and was in a place where her tongue was loose enough to confess, and her mind was sharp enough to tell a truth. It was just that no one could really see what her eyes have been opened up to.

———————————

“Unnie…” Yoohyeon stood up from the couch the moment Bora and Minji entered the apartment. She raised an eyebrow, seeing how Bora stumbled and Minji was the one to steady her. “Were you guys drinking?”

“Shhhh Yoohyeona, you’re being too loud,” Bora said in an actually too loud whisper, making Minji roll her eyes.

Yoohyeon chuckled lightly, “Okay unnie, I’ll be quiet.”

“Good—Wait, no don’t be quiet, talk to Minji. I told her she has to listen to you,” Bora declared before throwing a conspiratory wink at Yoohyeon and walking to Minji and Siyeon’s room.

“Wait, Bora that’s not—” Minji tried to stop her, then sighed when the main dancer ignored her and went in the room and closed the door behind her, the sound of the lock echoing in the silent dorm.

Minji grumbled, “She wasn’t even drunk 20 minutes ago.”

Yoohyeon almost felt bad for the leader, but was also grateful for Bora’s very effective interference. Yoohyeon bit her lips as Minji turned around to face her.

Minji said with slumped shoulders, “I guess… I’ll sleep on the couch.”

Ouch. So Minji would rather risk back pain than be in the same room as her where Bora’s bed was free. Guess she deserved that.

“Can we talk?” Yoohyeon has been trying all day. “Please?”

“Listen Yoohyeon, if it’s about this afternoon, there’s nothing you need to say.”

“Yes, there is,” Yoohyeon said vehemently. She knew she hurt Minji, and she needed her to know that it wasn’t her intention. Even if Minji had made it clear there was nothing between them anymore, Yoohyeon still respected what they had.

Minji shook her head as she sat on the couch, “No really—”

“—I didn’t kiss him!” Yoohyeon blurted out, sick of this back and forth.

“I know.”

“He kissed me, and I was—wait what?” Yoohyeon froze, realizing what Minji just said.

Minji gently said, “He kissed you, you were about to push him away, then we walked in, right?”

“How did you—I mean yes that’s what happened, but how did you know?” Yoohyeon had explained what happened to the other members after Bora and Minji had left, not entirely by choice considering Siyeon was really showing her why people were initially scared of the main vocalist with the way she was glaring at her, but she doubted that any of them would have told Minji when they knew Yoohyeon wanted to talk to her herself.

“Your arm around his neck and the way he was dipping you back… I recognize the ending pose of your new dance. Your eyes were open. Your other palm was flat on his chest but your fingers weren’t touching him because you were already trying to put distance between you two. He caught you by surprise. I know how you kiss… someone. That wasn’t it…” Minji shrugged, like it was just normal that she saw all these things.

Yoohyeon’s body heavily sank to the couch next to Minji, letting Minji’s observations settle in. “You knew the whole time?”

“Well yeah… I’m guessing Siyeon already threatened to kick his ass?”

Yoohyeon laughed, “Oh yeah, we have one very terrified dancer on the team now.”

“Good,” Minji said with a small smile. “If you want him off the team, I can talk to Sooyeon unnie—”

“—No that won’t be necessary. He already apologized. We’ve been working together a lot on the couple dance for the special clip, and I guess he misread the situation and made a move just as we finished today. If you guys hadn’t walked in, I would’ve dealt with it myself.”

Minji hummed.

Yoohyeon couldn’t help but stare at the leader. She had been wrecked with guilt since that moment. “If you knew… then why did you leave like that? The look on your face… I wanted to apologize that you had to see that. I-I would never want to hurt you like this.”

“I know,” Minji’s smile was soft, understanding. “You don’t need to apologize, you didn’t do anything wrong. Even if—even if you were kissing him, it wouldn’t be wrong—”

“—Of course it would be. We just b-broke up,” the words were still too difficult for her to say when her heart always objected to the permanency of it. “I would be very upset if you moved on so quickly…” Yoohyeon admitted.

She didn’t even want to think about it, her heart already aching at the thought of the future day when Minji started seeing someone else.

“Well you don’t have to worry about that with me,” Minji said jokingly.

Yoohyeon tilted her head. “What do you mean?”

“You’re my last love. There is no moving on for me. So you won’t ever have to see that,” Minji said it so casually like it was no big deal when Yoohyeon’s heart was practically swooning in her chest.

Her body moved on its own accord, beating out her brain, hands turning Minji’s face, lips capturing Minji’s, trying to pour in every ounce of love she has into this kiss because the last time she kissed Minji she didn’t know it would be the last. She didn’t even remember their last kiss, it must’ve been something chaste as Minji left for a schedule. A kiss that was mundane, completely unsuspecting that it would be forever immortalized as their last.

Minji panted for air as Yoohyeon disconnected them. The taste of alcohol was clear on Minji’s breath.

“Sorry…” Yoohyeon whispered as she pulled back. “I shouldn’t have— Sorry.”

“Why did you kiss me?” Minji asked in awe, her fingers touching her own lips in disbelief, her eyes shining like Yoohyeon had just given her the greatest gift, surprising Yoohyeon who thought her ex would be upset with how she trampled the boundaries she set.

Yoohyeon blushed, “I just kept thinking for the rest of the day that I hated that the last person to have kissed me wasn’t you. It’s stupid, I know. And I’m really sorry that I didn’t ask you first. But just now when you said these words… I couldn’t stand it anymore. Y-you’re not the only one who feels this way. I already told you when we broke up, you’re my one and only—”

Yoohyeon gasped at the feeling of Minji’s lips on her own.

She knew she shouldn’t do this, she should stop right now before they crossed the invisible boundary that was set by their breakup. Before both of them got hurt. But getting a taste of Minji’s lips brought the addiction full force, throwing all logic out the window, her mind empty except for Minji, and how they still fit perfectly together.

———————————

Yoohyeon didn’t know who took the next step, but they both met each other halfway, the bedroom door slamming shut with the force of Yoohyeon’s body against it.

Yoohyeon panted as Minji finally let up on the kiss, her head automatically moving back to rest against the door as Minji’s lips moved down her neck, sending tingles down her body. The hand on her breast above her thin shirt, was threatening to take away all of her sanity.

“You’ve been drinking,” Yoohyeon reminded between inhales.

At that Minji pulled her head away and Yoohyeon’s eyes snapped to her at the loss of contact.

“Do you want me to stop?”

Somehow, even though Minji’s was the one inebriated, she still took the time to check in with her. Minji was so perfect it made Yoohyeon want to cry about how tormented Minji was by her own head into thinking she wasn’t a good person.

Yoohyeon grabbed Minji’s hand, dragging it down her body, slipping their hands inside her sweatpants to show Minji just what she felt about her question.

“What do you think?” Yoohyeon asked rhetorically, eyes rolling as heat pooled below her stomach at the touch.

Minji unnecessarily tested for herself just how much Yoohyeon wanted her, and smirked when Yoohyeon’s breath caught.

“I think… we can skip foreplay,” Minji was teasing, but her voice was low, a whisper right into Yoohyeon’s ear that sent shivers down her spine.

“Minj—” the slip of Minji’s name from Yoohyeon’s tongue was swallowed by Minji’s lips back on hers, as fingers pushed aside fabric started more purposeful movements. Yoohyeon’s hands pushed Minji’s shirt up as she wrapped her arms around Minji for support, needing to feel Minji’s skin on hers.

Yoohyeon didn’t know what it was that Minji was drinking, but Yoohyeon couldn’t get enough of the taste. Or more likely it was Minji herself, her tongue as relentless as her fingers as they both filled her. Yoohyeon was getting dizzy from the lack of oxygen and the rush of blood away from her head but Minji was as attuned to her as always, and disconnected their mouths but didn’t move away, hot breath flowing between them as Yoohyeon panted. An unexpected bite to her lower lip caused a pain that surprisingly sent her closer to the edge.

Minji’s name became the only words Yoohyeon could formulate as she hit the high she was chasing, tightening her hold on Minji as she felt her knees go weak. Minji’s free arm quickly became an anchor, not allowing her to fall as she felt the waves of pleasure coursing through her body.

Little pecks were sprinkled upwards from her neck till Minji reached her lips, and pulled her in for a soft kiss this time as she withdrew her hand.

“Fuck, Minji,” Yoohyeon breathed out, and felt how Minji’s face broke into a tender smile. Minji pulled her head back to look at Yoohyeon, and Yoohyeon just melted at the pure love written all over Minji’s face. She knew the words that were about to come.

“I love you, Hyeon,” despite expecting them, Yoohyeon felt the words still slam into her, kick starting the fast rhythm of her heart.

“God, I love you so much Minji,” Yoohyeon’s words tumbled out desperately. She needed to touch Minji.

But Yoohyeon stood no chance when Minji maneuvered them so that suddenly Yoohyeon was on her back on her bed. A whisper of ‘I need to taste you’ was the end of Yoohyeon’s thought process.

Fuck. Minji was going to be the end of her.

Yoohyeon was first to rouse from slumber, her sore muscles making themselves known as soon as she started moving. But Yoohyeon could only smile at the reminder of the passionate night. Her only regret was that Minji had thoroughly exhausted her in relentless back-to-back rounds that Yoohyeon couldn’t return the favor. Was aware that Minji was deliberately not letting her.

Speaking of, Yoohyeon opened her eyes feeling the heat from another body drawing her. Yoohyeon was amused to find that Minji had ended up being the small spoon—Yoohyeon’s body framing her, skin-to-skin where their upper bodies were bare—considering how it was the older woman who tended to her all night. Yoohyeon propped her head on one hand as her other hand pushed away Minji’s blonde locks which were hiding her face.

Minji was so beautiful. That was the only thought on Yoohyeon’s mind as she finally caught a look at Minji’s profile. Not that she had forgotten, it would be really hard to with Minji; but there was just something about that moment, with Minji looking so peaceful in her sleep, tucked against her that made love bubble over in her chest. Right where it belonged instead of the waves of pain it has been filled with.

Yoohyeon placed a kiss on the back of Minji’s shoulder, then another. Her need to touch her lover finally unrestrained. Wanting to slowly wake Minji up as they probably couldn’t afford lying in bed all morning, Yoohyeon pulled back from the cuddle so that she could continue her way down Minji’s back.

Minji’s hoarse voice pulled Yoohyeon from her pondering, “Hyeon…”

Eyes still closed, Minji pulled on Yoohyeon’s hand so that her arm was again wrapped around Minji, the older woman pushing her body back further into the hold.

Yoohyeon couldn’t help the automatic smile at Minji’s movement. “Good morning, baby.”

“Morning,” Minji whispered, as she turned around in Yoohyeon’s hold to look at her.

A purple mark on Minji’s neck caught her eyes, and Yoohyeon internally berated herself for her uncontrolled reaction to Minji.

Minji’s hand found its way to her face, first softly caressing her cheeks, then with a pout on her face, Minji poked the crinkle between Yoohyeon’s eyebrows.

“Yah!” Yoohyeon exclaimed, making Minji laugh but then groan, a hand going to her head.

“You’re gonna get wrinkles if you frown so much,” Minji said with her eyes squeezed shut.

Now it was Yoohyeon’s turn to snort, “Sure, Mom. Hungover?”

Minji’s response was to lightly hit Yoohyeon’s shoulder, before burying herself in Yoohyeon’s hold, face against Yoohyeon’s neck. Yoohyeon was stiff at first, their positions a bit unfamiliar, but then she settled on an arm low on Minji’s waist, and another around her head, leaving a kiss to Minji’s forehead, to which Minji sighed in content.

“I left a mark,” Yoohyeon confessed.

Minji hummed. “Can’t say I haven’t,” Minji answered cheekily, with a small nibble on Yoohyeon’s lower lip that quickly sparked a forgotten pain.

Yoohyeon quickly brought up a hand to her lip, sensing the slight swelling. “Oh.”

Minji left a light kiss on the area. Yoohyeon quickly flushed, remembering her body’s instant reaction to the stinging pain.

Minji lightly chuckled, leaving a kiss on Yoohyeon’s nose that made the younger woman’s nose scrunch in reflex, “You’re cute, Hyeonie. I would’ve apologized for the unexpected bite, but you seemed to have really really liked that.”

“Min-ji,” Yoohyeon whined at the teasing, making Minji laugh.

The sound of the alarm coming from Minji’s phone interrupted and Minji winced at the loud noise. Minji sat up and reached for her phone on the other side of the bed. She sighed heavily as she turned off her alarm, her feet swinging over the edge of the bed to touch the ground. Yoohyeon grabbed Minji’s discarded sweater and slipped it on.

“Looks like we had less time than I thought. We should—We should get cleaned up. Before all the others wake up,” Minji’s voice was despondent, the words slowly dragging out of her like she didn’t want to say them.

The pang in Yoohyeon’s heart was instantaneous. The spell was breaking.

Yoohyeon crawled across the bed till she was behind Minji, knees on either side of her, pushing her hair to the side to again leave a kiss on the top of her shoulder. Minji leaned her head back in response, leaving Yoohyeon with access to her neck, but Yoohyeon could already see Minji’s eyes were filling with tears. Just like her own. Yoohyeon kissed the underside of Minji’s jaw anyway.

“Fuck,” Minji cursed at her inability to keep the tears at bay.

Minji turned and pulled Yoohyeon in for a kiss. The desperation wasn’t just from Minji’s end as Yoohyeon met her with as much fervor, but the passion from the night before was already being replaced with something much more consuming.

“This pain is definitely bad,” Minji chuckled humorously as she pulled back.

This sucked. Yoohyeon shakily nodded, feeling the pain from the time away from Minji starting to trickle in again.

Minji buried her face in her hands. Reminding Yoohyeon that the leader was hungover. This made an unwelcome question pop up in Yoohyeon’s head, but she didn’t dare voice it, knowing she wouldn’t be able to handle the answer.

But Minji turned around and took her hand.

“I love you and every moment with you, Hyeon. Even if it hur—,” Minji choked on her words, but Yoohyeon didn’t need her to continue. Minji’s wound was just as raw and unhealing as Yoohyeon’s. The call back to their reality rubbing salt on them.

Minji kissed Yoohyeon’s hand, lingering for only a few seconds, but Yoohyeon also knew how to read Minji. It wasn’t a drunken mistake. Minji didn’t regret it.

Minji’s eyes were shining with tears when she looked back at her, and Yoohyeon’s heart wasn’t just breaking for herself but for Minji as well. She hated this. Hated that they were both in so much pain, when they were both very much in love with each other still. Because of how much they were in love with each other still.

“We need to get up H—Yoohyeon.”

Hearing her own name, so complete, so bare, was like a slap to Yoohyeon’s face.

With a shaky exhale of air, Minji let go of Yoohyeon’s hand but Yoohyeon quickly grabbed Minji’s again, stopping her before she could turn around. 

Just a little longer. Yoohyeon just needed a bit more time before she went back to their daily routine of pretending their hearts didn’t belong to the other. Before they maybe even stopped exchanging words anymore.

“Let me put some make-up on your neck first, unnie,” Yoohyeon braved on with a smile, but the honorific tasted like ash in her mouth, her heart clenching at the prospect of saying goodbye to the feeling from last night.

Minji’s assurance that she had no regrets had offered the comfort Yoohyeon needed for this snap back to their everyday life. Yoohyeon wanted somehow to also do the same for her with this little act of care, before Minji went back to the self-imposed isolation.

Hesitation was clear on Minji’s face, but it looked like she was also not ready to let go of this slipping moment.

“Okay, Yoohyeon.”

Yoohyeon was glad Minji let herself be cared for too even for just a bit.

—————————————————

Every step Minji took away from Yoohyeon was like she was leaving parts of herself behind, her soul ebbing away till she was almost breathless by the time she reached the door. She reached for the doorknob, but there was a voice in her head yelling at her to stop. She thought it was silenced forever but it was still there. The same voice that had died out screaming the night she broke up with Yoohyeon.

Her hand tightened around the handle, but it was a struggle to get it to do the twisting motion. Even her body refused to let her walk out of Yoohyeon’s life again.

She had done this over and over again. Drag Yoohyeon into her mess, tell her she loved her, only to cast her away again behind this wall of secrets. And for what? She wasn’t protecting Yoohyeon anymore. She wasn’t doing any good like she thought. All the times before when she thought she was hurting Yoohyeon, she wasn’t. But now she was.

Minji’s hand shook. To leave Yoohyeon like this, after the younger girl had bared her heart and body for her, would be unforgivable. Walking out of this door would be the end of even being able to call Yoohyeon a friend anymore. She already caught a glimpse of what it would be like if Yoohyeon truly moved on. It wasn’t real, she knew it, yet it hurt all the same.

There was a throbbing in her chest where Yoohyeon had managed to gather the pieces of her heart. Last night was the only time Minji felt anything other than despair since she found out the truth of it all. Because she let herself love Yoohyeon and let Yoohyeon love her back. Even if it was physical and partly encouraged by alcohol, every touch was an “I love you”, every kiss was an “I missed you”, every whisper of her name an “I am sorry”. Her desire was only to make Yoohyeon feel good over and over, to give her lover something the might sooth the pain she has put her through.

Minji was stood there frozen, terrified as a sudden clarity swept her mind. What was she doing?

Minji let go of the doorknob as if it burned her, and turned around.

Yoohyeon was still on the bed where she left her, but her shoulders were slumped, head bowed down, hands resting palm up on her knees, looking completely defeated. By Minji and what it meant to love her.

Seeing the love of her life in such a state sparked an old fire in Minji. This was all supposed to be for her.

Minji took a step forward.

What was the point of everything she did if the outcome was leaving Yoohyeon and herself so broken?

Another step.

What was the meaning of the win she had draping from her neck when she lost herself for it?

A third one, when only five separated Yoohyeon’s bed from the door.

Why did she want to work on this alone then go to Yoohyeon after when Yoohyeon was right there in front of her?

More than halfway there.

It wasn't  even about their romantic relationship, how did she hurt someone she cared about this much?

Yoohyeon was now within reach, and Minji could now hear the cries her lover had tried to conceal, little sniffles and hitched breaths that hours ago had prayed her name like Minji was her religion.

Just being sorry wasn't  enough. Forgiveness had to be earned.

Minji dropped to her knees.

——————————————

The sudden sound in front of her startled Yoohyeon into looking up. Her breath caught when she saw Minji right in front of her. She thought Minji left.

Yoohyeon quickly wiped at her face trying to hide the tears that were escaping her eyes. “Did you forget something unnie?” She tried to ask casually, but there was no concealing the pain in her voice.

Minji’s eyes were trained on Yoohyeon’s knees when she lowly spoke, “I did something stupid again.”

Yoohyeon held her breath, trying to guard herself against what was to come. Did Minji come back to tell her that she regretted their night together after all?

But Minji continued, “I got out of this bed. I almost left you.”

A shiver made its way through Yoohyeon’s body. Hope would only lead to pain.

“I never answered you, about why I was upset yesterday even though I knew the truth about what I saw in the dance studio,” Minji’s words were so soft, like a caress on her skin. “I got a glimpse of my life without you. For real. And I was devastated because a life without the promise of you in it… it was all dark. Everything was so dark,” Minji swallowed her tears. “I don’t know who I was trying to kid thinking I could go on without you. And I know it’s not fair to you, and you can tell me to fuck right off and I will deserve it a hundred times over. But… I w-want to ask you…” a deep breath, “I want to ask you to wait for me.”

If Minji said she got a vision of her life without Yoohyeon and it was all dark, this was everything opposite of that for Yoohyeon. It was like the sun just suddenly slipped from behind the clouds, dousing every part of her life with light.

Minji held Yoohyeon’s hand, eye pleading with her. “Everything I will do from now on is to find my way back to you.”

A sob escaped Yoohyeon, startling Minji, “Hyeon, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. You can just forget it… I’m being selfish and hurting you again—”

Yoohyeon hugged Minji so close to her, not caring if it was too tight for the older woman. “—I just… You have no idea how much I’ve wanted to hear these words.”

Minji whispered, “But?”

Yoohyeon broke their hug, take a few seconds to compose herself, but it was like a floodgate had opened and the tears didn’t want to stop falling.

“It hurts Minji—not your request, god that is… I was always willing to wait for you, even after we broke up,” Yoohyeon wiped her cheeks with the back of her hand, and Minji’s face contorted as she followed her movements. “I just don’t know how this is going to be any different than before…”

Minji was quick in her answer, “I am so sorry for making you live this nightmare. I was wrong thinking—I was just wrong. I know that now, believe me I have learned my lesson,” Minji touched her chest above her heart as if to show her where exactly. “And I will work on it. I want to be the kind of person who deserves you—”

“—Minji… you’re saying everything just right since last night… since before… and God I wish I could just take your beautiful words for what they are, but this is the same thing again. I c-can’t keep doing this…” the words spilled out of Yoohyeon, surprising herself with the realization, “I can’t take another time of opening myself again only for you to push me away. I’m not invincible. I am strong as hell when it’s for you, but when you’re the one who is hurting me…” Yoohyeon swallowed her tears, “I will listen to you tell me you love me, I will accept apologies that I don’t know what they’re for, I will keep saying I am here for you, I will fall into bed with you, I will give you time, over and over. Because I love you. Because I don’t know how to protect myself from you.”

Minji rested her forehead on Yoohyeon’s knee, facing the floor, staying quiet but Yoohyeon could feel the way Minji’s body trembled.

Yoohyeon had to look away because it was suffocating seeing Minji hurting, but so has the time apart from Minji. “I’m not telling you to ‘fuck off’. I don’t want you to. I just… I need to know things will be different, Minji.”

“You want me to talk—”

Yoohyeon interrupted, “—Ideally, sure, but it was never for me, it is because I could see how you’re crumbling under whatever it is you’ve carrying. I never tried to force you to talk. I waited and waited till you asked for help, even when that ended in us breaking up. Which I still don’t know why. Yet I waited again, listened to you even when you still didn’t share everything but I learned that there was so much that was hurting you, real shit that is going on, and I tried to be there for you. Then you suddenly asked for space and stopped talking to me completely. Again, I don’t know why. This push and pull… it’s so difficult to not start thinking that you don’t care about me. I know you do, but I can’t see it with all of this anymore, and I’m losing my faith…”

Minji looked up at her, desperate tears reflecting Yoohyeon’s. “I-I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. Apologies seem empty, I thought by asking you for space that I can free you from all this, but it was only hurting both of us more. I don’t want to move on and neither do you… Hana told me that I was pushing you away because I was trying to punish myself. A-And it’s true.”

“What—what do you mean?” Yoohyeon asked, the words lodging a lump in her throat.

“I made a huge mistake and I couldn’t handle it. And instead of talking to you about it, I decided to push you away and live with the guilt of it alone,” Minji looked down ashamed. “Because I didn’t want you to know how badly I fucked up.”

Yoohyeon’s fingers guided Minji to look up at her. “Was it an actual mistake or again something you think you did?”

Minji gave a sad smile, “A real one. Hana has been helping me see what you meant before about me just thinking I hurt you. This she called misguided actions, so I think it’s safe to say it’s real.”

Yoohyeon paused to take in Minji’s words. She was already proud of Minji being able to reach this distinction. She just wasn’t sure what Minji wanted her to do with this. “Minji…”

The leader sat up with her back straight, determined, “I know I’ve been fucking up so badly. If you could just keep me in your heart for a bit longer…”

And Yoohyeon’s heart was already jumping in her chest, cheering in celebration even though Yoohyeon hadn’t verbally agreed yet. As if there was any other answer she could give Minji when the older woman was bearing her feelings and needs like that for her.

“… Just please wait for me, I want to be better first—”

“You are already perfect to me, bruises, scars and all. But if you need time, I always had that for you…”

Minji took Yoohyeon’s hand, “I know, but I never made my intentions clear after we broke up. There were assumptions and uncertainties, and you had no idea what I was thinking. You didn’t deserve that… you don’t deserve that.” Minji put Yoohyeon’s hand on her own chest, and Yoohyeon felt the steady beat of Minji’s heart under her skin for the first time in forever. “I have been so stupid, Hyeon. So so stupid. But I promise you,” Minji’s eyes held hers with such intensity that made Yoohyeon almost want to look away, “I will spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you, if you will let me.”

Yoohyeon pressed her hand into Minji’s chest as if trying to touch her battered heart. That sweet heart that has been dragged into the mess that was in Minji’s mind along with her. That innocent heart that was only guilty of loving her. Minji’s words were flowing in Yoohyeon’s veins, warmth spreading in her stomach, an invisible hug around her, calming the doubts in her mind.

They belonged together. There were no truer words, and wasn’t that worth the risk of heartache? She was already hurting anyway, so wasn’t it worth it giving Minji this chance she was so clearly asking for? The chance Yoohyeon so desperately wanted her to take?

“You can’t p-push me out again,” Yoohyeon whispered. “I-I can’t take it if you’re not talking to me…”

Minji smiled softly at her, “You said you don’t know how to protect yourself from me. I will work so hard so that I am that for you. So that you don’t even need that protection just like we were before. C-Come with me to therapy this evening.”

“You have therapy today?” Yoohyeon tilted her head at the change in schedule. “If you need me there, of course.”

Minji shook her head. “I called Hana yesterday before I went out with Bora. I don’t need you there. I want you to come with me.” Then Minji’s got more bashful. “I want to talk to you, but… but I think I need to unpack some things in therapy first. I-I get a panic attack every time I even try to get anywhere near that door, but maybe Hana could… I don’t know, like help me distance myself from it?”

Yoohyeon’s heart was beating in her throat at the admission. There it was, so close she could almost reach it. Yet the concern for Minji would always come first, “You don’t need to push yourself for me…”

“It’s not just for you. It’s mostly for me. I need to process this thing if I’m ever to move on with my life. I want to get better. I want to be the person who can get to the other side of this. It’s an added bonus that I would then be able to talk to you and give you some explanations. Not as justifications, but because you deserve to know what has been going on.”

There was something that was stuck with Yoohyeon, “You called Hana yesterday? Before we talked—before we slept together…”

Minji nodded. “I have been taking your presence as granted, even when I was saying I didn’t want to, and yesterday I saw what it would be like to lose you. And I am so so sorry for things getting to this point, but I’ll apologize after I explain when you know exactly what I am apologizing for. This t-trauma is a big obstacle in the way of that and I didn’t want to hide from it anymore, so I called Hana... I didn’t know all that would happen after, even when I got out of bed earlier I was ready to do it on my own first, but I am so glad we ended up here so that I could let you know that fixing our relationship—our friendship at this point—is one of my priorities right now,” then Minji belatedly added, “if—if you would like that of course...”

Yoohyeon didn’t even pause to think when she felt how Minji’s words were written with ink labeled genuine. “I would like that very much, Minji,” Yoohyeon said with a smile, fingers tracing Minji’s cheek. “I am willing to put my trust in you again if you do the same in me.”

Minji breathed out as if a weight has been taken off her shoulders. “I can’t tell you right now how things would look like between us, but—”

“—Let’s take things slow,” Yoohyeon finished for her. “Just like how we started out… before we started dating. I loved you, and you knew it. You loved me and I knew it…”

Minji smiled, “… and we were just waiting for the right time till it came.”

Peace as warm as the night of their first kiss descended on Yoohyeon. So many uncertainties, but her heart was today wrapped in the knowledge that Minji was now pressing their connection in the pages right behind her own recovery to preserve it, instead of letting it wilt and fade away like it had been. Whether this delicate little bloom would emerge as just friendship or more, only time and revelations could tell; but the glint in Minji’s eyes as she looked at her like she was a precious gift, the recent memory of Minji’s lips confessing love on the slopes of her body over and over, the promise of atonement and truth, Minji’s heart beating below her hand… it all kept the embers of hope lit under her heart.

The path back to her was paved and full of signage. And Minji just took the first step on the trail.

Chapter Text

Pull me back, out of my body
I'm tied to my limbs
They're spinning me out of control
Tether me

--

With how late in the morning it got, Minji knew there was no way now to avoid encountering the members if they were to exit the room. Yoohyeon seemed to be unbothered by this fact as she gave her one last hug and headed to the bathroom to take a shower, a lightness in her steps that made Minji smile at having successfully done something right this time; however, Minji’s bashfulness grew as she walked into the kitchen when their eyes fell on her.

“Good morning unnie,” Handong greeted warmly, “Did you sleep well?”

Gahyeon’s lips twitched as she tried to hide a smile, and Dami muffled a laugh.

With a light eye roll, Minji answered, “Morning.”

But then her eyes fell on Bora, whose jaw was visibly clenched.

Bora set down her mug heavily on the counter, “You guys should go get dressed.”

It wasn’t a suggestion and the maknae line knew it given the speed at which they hustled to put their plates and cups away. Handong patted her shoulder as she passed, an assuring smile on her face.

Dami grumbled something about noise, but Gahyeon pushed her further away before she could make her complaint clear.

“Minji, we were drinking!” Bora stated right away, not concealing her feelings about the situation.

“I wasn’t really drunk when we got back,” Minji tried to explain.

“You drank plenty even for you Minji! Even if you weren’t, you can’t just do that to her,” Bora chided angrily, “She’s hurting enough already.”

“I am aware.”

Siyeon seemed to be conflicted between wanting to stop the main dancer and wanting to weigh in too.

“Oh you are? That’s fixes it all then,” Bora said sarcastically. “When I told you that you needed to talk to her, that was not what I meant—”

“—We did talk!” Minji interjected.

“Didn’t sound like there was a lot of talking last night,” Bora’s words were dry, but still managed to make Minji blush.

“Bora,” Minji called gently, knowing the main dancer was just being protective of Yoohyeon after all the sleepless nights she had to comfort her. “We talked.”

Bora paused at the way Minji said it. “You talked…?”

Minji then smiled, “We talked.”

Siyeon finally pitched in with barely contained excitement, “And?”

“It went very well.”

“Well duh, we all know that,” Siyeon wiggled her eyebrows.

“That’s not what I meant!” Minji said quickly. “We really talked. I asked—I asked her to wait for me.”

Bora’s eyes lit up, “Wait for you?”

Minji nodded warmly, “We’re ‘officially’ on a break? I guess you could say. I told her I want to get back together but I need a bit of time to work through some things first.”

“Kim Bora, you’re a genius,” Bora praised herself, with a pat on her own back and everything, earning an eye roll from the other two.

Minji chuckled, “Oh now you say drinking was good.”

“Obviously,” Bora scoffed. “You wouldn’t have talked otherwise.”

“Stop saying ‘talked’ like that, you’re making it sound dirty when it was a really good, honest conversation.”

Bora rolled her eyes, “Minji you’re too old to be this shy, just say the sex was good. Yoohyeon wasn’t exactly quiet.”

Siyeon winced as she nodded, “My ears will never recover.”

“Guys!” Minji said exasperated.

Bora laughed. “Fine, fine. You had a good talk, no innuendos,” Bora grew more serious. “I’m really happy for you.”

“Me too,” Siyeon agreed. “You two have been long overdue, and I’m not gonna lie, it’s been tough on all of us, you two not talking to each other.”

“I know,” Minji said with down-turned lips. “This was hard on everyone, and I’m sorry. I’ve just been so overwhelmed… but things will change. For real this time!”

Minji read the skepticism she saw in Bora and Siyeon’s silence, but she couldn’t really blame them. She was sounding like a broken record even to herself. But she was going to prove that she could really change.

——————————————

Minji’s heart was beating as loudly as thunder in her ears. Instructions were floating around her, but her breathing was too loud as well. Everything was too loud.

Her inhales and exhales were starting to be more reminiscent of the waves that threaten to drown her. Minji gasped for air as she fought against the storm in her mind, but she was the one that opened the door and let it all out. Now she was alone and helpless.

Breathe. Wrong. Lie. Forget her. Fight him. Unnatural. Don't stop loving her. Focus.

Minji didn’t know what she was supposed to be doing, overwhelmed by everything everyone told her to do.

Then there was the pain, spreading from her arm, consuming her heart like fire. Yoohyeon’s face morphing with the tears. The heat consuming her soul.

Worthless. Stupid. Could amount to so much but wasting it all.

“Minji, you’re safe here, just open your eyes.”

Lies.

It was getting so cold.

A hand was pushing her head under the water. Minji tried to get away from it but the grip was tight.

She couldn't fight this.

Her voice had been muted before but a scream ripped from her throat.

——————————

Yoohyeon’s leg jumped up and down in quick succession, her hands held the chair she was on tightly so that she stopped herself from getting up. Hana would get her if she thought she could help. But hearing Minji’s scream had every fiber of Yoohyeon wanting to burst through the door that separated them.

It was too cold outside today, a snowstorm had Minji agreeing to meet with Hana inside her office despite Hana offering to find an alternative date. Yoohyeon had asked if she was sure, but Minji was determined. Now Yoohyeon was scared that Minji wanted to fix things between them so badly that she was going to get herself hurt by pushing herself too much.

When the door opened after what felt like hours, Yoohyeon was immediately on her feet. The look on Hana’s face made Yoohyeon’s heart beat a mile a minute. Eyes set in stone, jaw clenched.

“Is e-everything okay?” Yoohyeon asked tentatively.

Hana took a deep calming breath before speaking. “Yeah sorry, I just needed a second.” Her expression cleared up as she donned a mask of professionalism. “Would it be okay with you if you joined us? Minji asked, but she said it’s okay if you didn’t want to.”

Yoohyeon frowned, there was still a bit of apprehension between her and Minji it seemed, but it was to be expected considering they only talked mere hours ago.

“I’ll join,” Yoohyeon answered. “Is she okay?”

Hana didn’t answer, only opened the door to her office further so that Yoohyeon could walk in.

Yoohyeon’s heart clenched at the sight of Minji curled up on the couch, arms around her knees with a blanket hugging her, eyes shining with tears.

“Minji?” Yoohyeon called out carefully, but the leader didn’t hear her, eyes set on something in the distance that Yoohyeon couldn’t see.

Yoohyeon looked back at Hana in questioning.

“Let’s just go slow, okay?” Hana cautioned. She was looking at Minji in a way that made Yoohyeon so grateful that this was the therapist they found for the leader. Empathetic, understanding, determined.

Yoohyeon slowly approached the couch, and sat down next to Minji, trying not to startle her. Up close it was visible that Minji was shaking.

“Minji?” Yoohyeon called out again with a touch on Minji’s arm.

Minji startled this time, but once she saw it was Yoohyeon, her expression softened. “Oh Yoohyeona, you came.” Minji wiped at the tears that escaped her eyes.

Yoohyeon smiled softly, “Of course. Are you okay?”

At the question, Minji’s expression dropped a bit, but she tried to keep the smile. “I… I am not sure.”

“Okay,” Yoohyeon said, her hand tightening a bit more around the fragile looking leader’s arm. “That’s okay.”

“Yooh-yeon… I need to tell you about something that happened. I—” Minji’s words died as she squeezed her eyes shut, sharp breaths echoing in the quiet room.

Hana spoke up, “Minji, let’s take it easy like we discussed, okay? You don’t need to talk about things again right now.”

Minji shook her head vehemently, “I need to. I have to...”

Yoohyeon was already worried about this. She moved so that she was closer to Minji, drawing her attention.

“Sorry I brought you in here,” Tears welled up in Minji’s eyes. “Apparently I can’t get it together enough to be able to talk about this on my own.”

Yoohyeon’s eyebrows dipped at the words.

She heard Hana sighing, “Minji… It’s completely normal not being able to talk about a traumatic event, especially one that your brain has been blocking out like this to keep you safe.”

Minji scoffed, her eyes not on Hana, but on Yoohyeon. “That sounds like another excuse, doesn’t it?”

“No, it doesn’t,” Yoohyeon said gently. “I already told you; you don’t need to push yourself—”

“—Yes, I do. I want to get better, how is that going to happen if I can’t talk. You see how things have gotten between us because of me not talking. I almost lost you for good,” Minji’s voice was gaining some heat, and Yoohyeon wasn’t sure if it was better that way or not.

“Minji, communication isn’t only in what you say,” Hana advised.

Yoohyeon nodded, “It was never about telling me exactly what was happening, Minji. I would never force you to talk about something you didn’t want or couldn’t. I just needed you tell me when you were not okay, to let me be there for you, to let me work on things with you when possible. That’s why I have been so proud of you for agreeing to go to therapy—”

“—Stop please,” Minji suddenly said, her breath getting more labored, hands coming up to her head, her eyes closing again.

Yoohyeon was surprised and turned to Hana helpless, “I don’t…”

Hana was gentle in her assurance, “You didn’t do anything, Minji is on edge from what we discussed and her panic attack, and so she is easily triggered right now,” then Hana addressed Minji. “We’re still in my office, Minji. You’re safe here, you know that right?”

There was a reluctant nod from Minji.

“Good. If you open your eyes, it will help ground you in here. Remember what we said about engaging your senses?”

The hesitation was clear in how Minji bit her bottom lip, but eventually Minji opened her eyes.

“Very good, Minji. It’s just me and Yoohyeon with you. Neither of us are going to hurt you.”

Yoohyeon’s heart skipped a beat at the unfamiliar words. Hurt her?

There were calmer, more deliberate breaths from Minji, before her trembling hand reached out from under the blanket to rest on top of Yoohyeon’s. Her hand was cold yet clammy, but Yoohyeon did not mind it one bit, and didn’t move, letting Minji dictate the movements till she tightened her hold just a bit.

“I-I’m sorry…” Minji winced.

Yoohyeon shook her head, putting as much tenderness as she could in her words when she said, “There’s nothing to be sorry for. I’m here no matter what.” The words were getting old, but she would repeat them as many times as Minji needed to hear them.

Minji watched Yoohyeon for a few seconds before she nodded, her posture relaxing a bit. 

“I am not okay,” Minji admitted slowly. “But I don’t know how to let you in.”

Yoohyeon didn’t say anything, just waited for Minji. Minji was trying so hard to talk to her that it was physically visible. But Yoohyeon couldn’t help her with this step.

After a minute of silence, Hana thankfully interjected with some guidance. “Minji, I know this is super important to you right now, talking to Yoohyeon. But you can’t rush recovery. Today was the first time you talk about this at all, and that’s already a huge step.”

“It doesn’t feel like it…” Minji’s words were sounding defeated again, and Yoohyeon wanted to object but respected that Hana knew what she was doing, evidenced in how she has already been helping Minji.

“I know that compared to how big everything is, it doesn’t feel like it, but look at where you were to where you are now Minji. Our first meeting, you couldn’t stand being in this office at all, and today you have been here for more than an hour already, and even when you were panicking you in the end figured out how to separate where you were in your mind from where you were physically, right? You are still sitting here even though now I would completely understand it if you wanted to run out and never come back. Today you told me about…”

When Minji took a deep breath, Hana let her words trail off, giving Minji room to speak.

Minji squeezed Yoohyeon’s hand tighter and said, “… How someone hurt me after I trusted them and it has fucked with my head so much that I couldn’t even think about it.”

Yoohyeon’s breath caught in her chest at the admission, her hands involuntarily curling. Someone hurt Minji.

“Someone hurt you?” the pain seeped into Yoohyeon’s voice. There were so many questions on Yoohyeon’s mind. Who? How? When?

Minji nodded but her eyes were stuck to the ground. Ashamed. Yoohyeon hated that this was the feeling that came to the leader first. Again—

“Someone other than Lee Sangwon?” the reaction was too familiar for Yoohyeon not to bring him up.

Minji nodded and Yoohyeon’s jaw clenched. Not that it made a difference whether it was him or not. Someone hurt Minji.

When Minji stayed quiet otherwise, Yoohyeon tried to be careful, “I don’t need details right now if you can’t tell me, but are you safe? Is this person away from you?”

Minji looked to Hana, and Yoohyeon’s worry multiplied into fear for the leader. It wasn’t a yes.

“I started this wrong, didn’t I?” Minji asked Hana.

“There is no right or wrong place. This was something that you identified as the root of the issue, and why you couldn’t talk to Yoohyeon or your friends. If you want to start there, then you start there. Yoohyeon asked a very good question, and what I also think is the first thing we should address, your physical safety.”

Minji turned to Yoohyeon and swallowed. “I am safe from him right now, yes.”

Him. Who was he? Yoohyeon held in the question, seeing how sensitive of a topic it was, seeing how Minji’s arm trembled more with every word she said. Was Minji scared? Protectiveness was flaring in Yoohyeon, along with anger at whoever it was that made Minji feel like this.

Then Minji added, “I… I have a restraining order against him.”

Yoohyeon’s eyes bulged, “Restraining order?”

Yoohyeon was surprised it went as far as legal action without them knowing. She couldn’t help but think about what it was that got a court to decide that this person needed to be kept away from Minji, yet with no other punishment coming to them. Stalking was the first thing that came to mind, but Minji specifically said that the person hurt her.

“Did the company help you with this?” Yoohyeon asked gently.

Minji nodded, “Yeah… I told the CEO what happened, and h-he helped me with it.”

Yoohyeon was conflicted at that. The number of red flags from the company were enough to make Yoohyeon not trust them when it came to Minji especially, but she couldn’t help being a bit relieved that someone did help Minji, and she wasn’t completely alone in this. But it was hard to conflate the information when there was still obviously a missing link. The company was both protecting Minji in some instances like this and canceling the collaboration with Sunmi when they thought the veteran artist harbored ill intentions, yet they were also not looking out for Minji’s interests in how they made her do promotions that she didn’t want to do, risking a physical injury with the unapproved choreography with heels, and as they discovered more recently, a manager deliberately misinforming Minji of the fans’ and general public’s view on the leader.

Was it really a case of different parts of the company acting towards different interests? Was there such a huge divide between the CEO, upper company management, and their team managers maybe? She didn’t know why Tae hadn’t already mentioned this when they were talking about trying to figure out what was going on with Minji and how to help her. Did he really not know, and the CEO handled this directly with the legal team? As grateful as she was for the CEO’s interference with this, Yoohyeon would not forget how Minji was the night after she came out of the meeting with him recently and the consequences of that. This ongoing headache would only be ailed with an explanation from Minji but seeing the state she worked herself up in again, Yoohyeon knew that it wasn’t so simple for the leader to give her the answer, even if she obviously wanted to.

It didn’t help that Hana seemed to be alarmed at Minji’s words. “Minji, given recent… events, are you absolutely sure you’re safe?”

There was a chance that Minji wasn’t safe?! Yoohyeon’s heart raced at the thought.

“I…” Minji struggled to speak, words dissolving into a shuddered breath.

“Minji?” Yoohyeon called out, but hesitated to touch the quivering leader, fearing that she would scare her more.

“I think—I think I need to stop now,” Minji brought her knees close to her chest again.

As much as Yoohyeon wanted to know more, she couldn’t deny Minji this request, not when she was glad that Minji was vocalizing her need and recognizing that she shouldn’t push herself past what she could handle.

Minji continued, words tinged in desperation, “I will tell you… later… just not right now please—I can’t. But later—”

“—Hey hey, it’s okay,” Yoohyeon tried to assure her. “Tell me whenever you’re ready. I don’t want you to hurt yourself by pushing so much, okay? As long as you’re safe right now, you can take your time.”

And Yoohyeon meant it. Even if her talk this morning with Minji implied that Minji would tell her, Yoohyeon was only concerned with Minji’s physical safety and mental stability right now.

Hana added, “Yoohyeon is right Minji. There is no need to push yourself into another panic attack. Especially that, as we figured, you don’t remember all the details,” Hana repeated her warning, “Trying to force yourself when your mind has been trying to protect you from this might do more harm than good.”

Yoohyeon had been starting to re-think how long this has been going on and whether she could have maybe protected Minji a bit from what happened if they had pushed Minji into talking earlier. But Hana’s words brought her a bit of relief that maybe she hadn’t made the wrong choices for Minji after all. Yoohyeon prayed for this to be true regardless because she didn’t know if she could live with herself if it weren’t.

——————————

A piercing scream violently pulled Yoohyeon out of her sleep. Her heart was beating so fast as she stood up on shaky legs.

“Was that Minji?” Yoohyeon asked breathless.

Bora was already on her feet, eyes wide in fear, as she rushed to the bedroom door.

“Yoohyeon, stay here!” Bora instructed when she saw that Yoohyeon followed her.

“But unnie—”

“Yooh, you know the plan. Get your phone and stay here please,” Bora didn’t leave room for arguing as she stepped out of the room cautiously.

Yoohyeon grabbed her phone and waited at the open door.

They had a plan in case of an emergency, and it meant the maknae line needed to stay hidden and be on the ready to call for help and it was the older members that would venture out to make sure everyone is okay. Yoohyeon hated it right now, but it wasn’t the time to argue. She was already regretting leaving Minji and Siyeon’s room after the leader had fallen asleep, having been so shaken up after the therapy session that only when Siyeon held her with protective arms and whispered assurances was Minji able to surrender to the exhaustion.

“You guys okay?” Bora whisper asked Handong, who stepped out of hers and Gahyeon’s room, Gahyeon in a similar position to Yoohyeon by the door with wide eyes.

“Yeah,” Handong replied tersely, her eyes focused on Minji and Siyeon’s room.

Dami opened the door to her room, drawing their attention. She handed Handong a baseball bat, “Be careful, unnie.”

With still no sign of the leader or the main vocalist, Bora and Handong headed to their room.

They both nodded at each other before Bora swung the door open, and Handong burst into the room, bat held above her shoulder, ready to swing.

Yoohyeon’s hands were clenched so tight around the phone in her hand, heart threatening to beat out of her chest.

Then she saw Bora’s shoulders relax, as someone inside spoke but Yoohyeon couldn’t hear them.

Bora turned around, and with a relieved sigh declared, “It’s safe guys.”

Yoohyeon didn’t need to be told twice and rushed to the room.

Minji was curled up in her bed, body shaking with quiet sobs, while Siyeon sat next to her but was very obviously not touching her with how her hands hovered in the air between them.

Siyeon looked as frazzled as the rest of them when she said, “I think she had a nightmare?”

But Minji’s nightmares were never violent like this, she had never woken up screaming before, it was quite the opposite, with Minji just waking up with silent tears running down her face the only indication of it. It was only because they used to sleep so tightly wrapped around each other that Yoohyeon had been able to realize that Minji was having nightmares at all, and in her worry, her body then unconsciously learned to wake her up if there was any movement from Minji in the middle of the night.

Yoohyeon slowly approached Minji, Siyeon right away got up to give her room, but warned her, “She asked me not to touch her.”

Yoohyeon nodded and sat down where Siyeon was before. “Minji?” Yoohyeon called out quietly, but she could tell that Minji heard her by a stutter in her breath. “Are you okay?”

Minji shook her head. Yoohyeon clenched her hands that were aching to reach out to touch Minji.

“You’re safe, Minji. We’re all here with you,” Yoohyeon said words that were becoming too familiar on her tongue. “It was just a bad dream.”

“I-It wasn’t,” Minji sobbed and Yoohyeon’s eyebrows dipped just like this feeling sinking in her stomach.

“Whatever it was, you’re safe right now, okay?” Yoohyeon assured, as she moved a bit on the bed to be closer to Minji.

Minji shook her head violently as she shrank away into the wall, putting a bigger distance between her and Yoohyeon.

Yoohyeon retreated with wide eyes. Was Minji scared of her?

“Minji?”

Siyeon’s hand settled on her shoulder for support.

“Please…” Minji’s voice was broken, and the tears stung Yoohyeon’s eyes, helplessness descending on her. She was always able to comfort Minji with her words or touches, yet it seemed whatever Minji had dredged up in the therapy session had brought them to a place where Minji would reject such comfort. Yoohyeon had to push down the similarities her brain drew between now and that night when Minji asked for space. It wasn’t the same thing, Minji had promised to not push her away again.

Minji’s pleads continued as she squeezed her eyes tightly shut, but they didn’t know what she was asking for.

This continued till Bora evidentially had enough, tears streaming freely down her face as she got on the bed. Bora’s voice was watery when she called out for Minji and Minji didn’t move away this time. So Bora crawled towards Minji and didn’t pause, just took the leader into her arms. Minji didn’t really react, letting Bora shift her and Yoohyeon moved closer too, worried that Minji was getting into a bad dissociative episode, like the one from the night of the gala. Hana had advised her before to try to snap Minji out of it before it set in fully.

Minji was tracking her movement, body tense. But her eyes were unfocused.

“Minji, we’re not gonna hurt you,” the words turned Yoohyeon’s stomach as she said them. Words that she had just learned today were needed. Words that alarmed the other members given the sharp looks she received.

Another shake from Minji’s head, but less firm this time. “Y-you took me there. I asked you for help and you turned on me.”

“What?” Yoohyeon was confused.

“You were supposed to help me,” Minji’s voice was getting louder.

“I am trying to Minji, please just tell me what you need, and I’ll do it,” Yoohyeon begged.

“I told you I was scared, and you didn’t care, just wanted me to do better,” Minji sobbed. “Do better. Be better. Even if I got hurt. Who does that to someone they love?”

The words slapped Yoohyeon across the face. Yoohyeon didn’t understand where Minji was coming from. Yes, she had told Minji she wanted her to be better, but it was because she cared.

“Of course I care, Minji. My god, I care so much that I feel your pain like it’s my own. I wish I could take your pain to be my own,” Yoohyeon cried. The pain she felt for Minji was as real as it gets. “I do want you to be better, as in I want you to be happy, to feel nothing but joy, to be smiling freely again with no burdens on your shoulders that drag you down like this. Because I do love you, Minji…”

Yoohyeon didn’t care that they could all hear and see her crying. Minji knowing that Yoohyeon cared about her was more important than anything else. Where did she fail? In protecting herself did she make Minji feel like she stopped caring about her? Was that what Minji got out of their morning conversation? Had the trust between them been broken to the point where Minji would think that Yoohyeon would do something to hurt her intentionally—

But then an arm that Yoohyeon longed for wrapped around her, watery apologies falling on her ear as a hand stroked her head.

Minji’s voice was a lot more cogent than it was a minute ago. “Yoohyeona… I am so sorry. That wasn’t… I wasn’t…” Minji pulled back and held Yoohyeon’s face in her hands to face her.

Yoohyeon can see Minji’s eyes were clear this time.

“I’m so sorry. I know you care, of course I know you care,” Minji said definitively. “I promise.”

“What did you mean then?” Yoohyeon sniffled.

“I wasn’t talking to you. I thought I was still dreaming; I was confused.”

It made sense. It made sense but it had sounded too real and with the revelation from earlier that someone had hurt Minji, Yoohyeon couldn’t help but ask, “That wasn’t just a dream, was it?”

Minji shook her head as she wiped Yoohyeon’s tears away, concern and regret written all over Minji’s face where fear was minutes ago. Yoohyeon was getting whiplash from the sudden change, but her words must have snapped Minji out of wherever she had gotten stuck in her head.

Minji’s lips were warm on her forehead as the leader left a kiss there and then hugged Yoohyeon tighter to her chest, and Yoohyeon found every breath coming easier after that, her own arms wrapping around Minji’s torso. Her heart expanding back to its shape after collapsing with Minji’s accusation.

“I’m sorry for waking you guys up… and like this… you must’ve all gotten so scared,” Minji said, and the rest took it as an invitation to come closer, Dami and Gahyeon walking into the room from the spots they were rooted to at the door, Siyeon and Bora engulfing both Minji and Yoohyeon in a hug. Handong grabbed the maknaes’ hands and brought them to the bed too.

“Unnie, what happened?” Siyeon’s voice was choked up.

“It was a bad dream—a memory. I-I don’t know why I was still stuck there when I woke up,” Minji broke the hug to dip down to see Yoohyeon’s face again. “I am so sorry I hurt you with my words. They weren’t for you, my love.” Yoohyeon’s heart was jump started with the simple words.

“Who were they for?” Yoohyeon asked softly, daring to broach the topic.

“My dad,” Minji admitted, surprising everyone who was expecting her to evade the question.

“Your dad?” Bora asked, confused. “Is this about the fight you guys had?”

“Unnie, what did your dad do?” Siyeon’s voice was getting darker, more protective.

Yoohyeon’s hand gripped at Minji’s waist at seeing her face fall. The words Minji said repeating again in her head, with the subject adjusted. Minji asked her dad for help? And she got hurt instead? Is that what Minji meant by someone she trusted hurt her? Yoohyeon felt her heart constricting at the thought.

Minji was still caressing Yoohyeon’s face as she spoke directly to her. “I’ll tell you, but I need you to promise me something first.”

Yoohyeon frowned, conflicted between Minji’s assuring touch and her request. “Promise you what?”

“Promise me you won’t think it’s your fault. No matter what I say. Because none of this is on you and I need you to know that before I say anything.”

Yoohyeon’s insides froze. “D-Did I do something that got you hurt?” Yoohyeon’s lips trembled at the thought. Did she really hurt Minji? Without even realizing it?

“Hyeon.”

The nickname wrapped around her, stopping her from spiraling into self-blame for something she didn’t even know.

“I’ll try…”

“No.” Minji was firmer than she has seen her in a while. “Promise me.”

Yoohyeon didn’t want to promise something if she wouldn’t do it, but Minji’s request was also Minji trusting in her own words that it wasn’t Yoohyeon’s fault. That this was already something that Minji feared, Yoohyeon blaming herself for something that she didn’t do and maybe why she hadn’t told her about it so far. And Yoohyeon wanted to trust Minji again just like she wanted Minji to trust her. That’s what they both had agreed to.

“Okay, I-I promise,” Yoohyeon reluctantly said, and prayed that it won’t be in vain.

Except that Yoohyeon most definitely blamed herself.

“I think I’m gonna throw up,” Yoohyeon said as she rushed out of the room where a truth so revolting was spilled.

“I told my family about us… a while ago. ”

Yoohyeon heaved over the toilet, vaguely aware that someone was holding her as the words replaying in her head turned her insides out.

“My brother was happy for us. I told you that. My mom was confused, she just needed some time to process maybe and then it would’ve been fine, I think? But my dad…”

Yoohyeon’s throat burned, her chest the source of the flames, and guilt the gasoline poured all over it.

“He got so angry. He told me that I was only behaving like this just because I am an idol and because of the international fans. That no child of his was going to be… going to be like this. I tried to tell him that I loved you, that this wasn't just some trend or whatever he was thinking, that I have loved you for years, that you made me happier than I’ve ever been in my life. But he kicked me out of the house. In the middle of the night. Told me to never show my face there again till I got rid of these ridiculous ideas.”

It was already heartbreaking hearing these words. Hearing that Minji, the love of her life and the sweetest person on this earth, was treated like this by her own family. Her dad, whom she looked up to so much. And Yoohyeon wished it had stopped there. She would’ve continued to hug Minji, as the others assured her that they all loved her, that there was nothing, absolutely nothing wrong with her feelings and that her dad was wrong. That maybe he needed time and he would adjust to the idea. Or even if he didn’t, then it was his loss for missing out on knowing her for who she truly was. Missing out on seeing Minji glowing brighter than the sun when she was with Yoohyeon. And Yoohyeon would’ve continued holding on to hope, thinking that maybe Minji just broke up with her because she wanted to appease her dad after all.

But Minji didn’t stop there.

“A couple of days later, he came here to Seoul and told me to meet him. I-I thought he calmed down and changed his mind, or at least wanted to talk things out. He didn’t. He asked me if I changed my mind, and when I said there’s nothing for me to change my mind about, he said he knew I would say that. That they told him I would say that.”

Nausea gripped at her as pain rolled over her like a wave, and she felt her stomach contract in a vice grip and her body lurch forward trying to expel the words stuck in in her head, her throat, her heart, every fiber of her being. Yoohyeon had failed so tremendously.

“He asked me to see this th-therapist he found that would help me... To try for him. That if I could just try that he could live with that. That he loved me and just wanted me to be better—normal. My dad begged me… and I knew it would be useless, but I couldn’t say no to him. I didn’t want to lose him. I thought I could just go a few times, show him that I tried it his way and then he would see that my feelings for you were serious. That it wasn’t even just about you, that this was who I was. I thought—I thought it would be fine…”

Yoohyeon knew she needed to get herself together. She needed to support Minji. That Minji went through something so unfair just because of who she loved. But the guilt was keeping her shoulders pinned down, leaving her unable to lift her head up. She knew it wasn’t her fault, that Minji’s dad’s actions were his own, but that didn’t stop the self-blame for not seeing how badly Minji was struggling back then; because of her feelings for Yoohyeon. How every touch and word from Yoohyeon may have caused her pain.

“It was bad. It was really bad. Not at first, he—the doctor—was kinder than I expected considering what I was there for. He asked me about my feelings, encouraged me to talk about you. And I thought… god I was so stupid. I thought that maybe if I was honest that he would see that I didn’t actually need his help. He was sympathetic and said he understood my feelings and this struggle I was having with my family. Asked me to talk more about how it was affecting me as also part of Dreamcatcher. And really, it was nice talking to someone about these things. He was helping me just like a therapist should. So I went back again and again. But—”

Minji’s broken voice was stuck like little splinters under every inch of her skin.

“Yooh…” a voice called out.

“I know,” Yoohyeon managed to say. “I just need a minute.”

“It’s not your fault.”

Yoohyeon scoffed. “Easy for you to say. You weren’t the one hurting her.”

“You didn’t hurt her—”

“Did we not hear the same story?” Yoohyeon rejected this attempt at comforting her. She had been so blind.

“But then it all turned. Slowly, words I said were getting twisted by him. Everything I confessed about us, and my feelings in general was used against me. He figured my feelings won’t change with just trying to convince me that it was wrong, so D-Dreamcatcher was his main argument. Told me that I— that I was failing you all as your leader with this. That I didn’t think of the rest of you when I decided to selfishly follow my own whims…”

None of them had stayed silent when Minji said that. From Bora to Gahyeon, no one would let Minji believe that. Only Yoohyeon had stayed frozen in her place, realizing that she really had no idea of the extent of Minji's struggle with their relationship.

“…That loving you was a mistake that will end us all. That I wasn’t guiding you like I was supposed to. That I was taking advantage of you. That one day you will realize it and hate me for what I’ve done.”

A gentle push from Dami had snapped Yoohyeon out of shock, reassurances and denials falling off her lips. Words that made Yoohyeon sick that she needed to say them. Words she never thought she would have to speak. That Minji did no such thing. That their love wasn't wrong or a mistake. That Yoohyeon had chosen to be with Minji just as Minji had chosen to be with her.

“I tried not to let his words get to me. And believe me Hyeon, I fought him on everything. Every time he brought you up, I shut him down. I knew it was all lies, but—but they came from my own insecurities. I don’t know how he read me so well, but he knew worries that I never said out loud even to myself.”

Yoohyeon got up on shaky legs, realizing now that it was Dami who was with her. And she was glad it was only Dami. Glad that the rest stayed with Minji to fill in the emptiness she no doubt left behind. Minji needed her support and Yoohyeon was failing again.

“Then… then one day. It got so different. My dad agreed— I didn’t have a choice? I now know I did. Hana explained it to me. That it was a lie. Not even legal. But back then I didn't know. And I couldn’t talk to anyone. It was all too much, but I knew I had to get out of it.”

“Unnie, w-what happened?”

Minji refused to tell them. Minji had been open with them so far, but the tell-tale signs of panic as Minji reached this part of the story were evident and they silently agreed not to push. That Minji was opening up on her own terms and they would not force her to talk about anything she wasn't ready to talk about. That there was so much they needed to re-think about how to approach Minji from then on, now with the knowledge that behind all her secrecy was insurmountable amount of pain and trauma. Yoohyeon now recalling Hana’s words from earlier about Minji’s brain blocking out memories to protect her and how barreling through wouldn’t help.

But that didn’t stop Yoohyeon’s imagination from running wild. She could put together the timeline from what Minji was saying. And it all lead to the one confusing night after Minji came back from this therapy and then the next day had to be taken to the hospital for her arm. But Yoohyeon evidently didn’t realize how bad things were that night.

She had known that Minji was not okay, but she didn’t realize that it was beyond that. That something had happened that evening that would forever be imprinted in her mind. That would touch every part of Minji’s life from then on. Yoohyeon tried to recall if she had been comforting enough, praying that her past self had just a bit of insight into Minji’s pain to ease it. But the one thing that she remembered above all was that Minji cried while she kissed her. It had been the first time that Minji’s pain seeped into their relationship in such a clear way. And Yoohyeon still hadn’t grasped that something was terribly wrong.

“I stopped going. Told my dad w-what happened, I thought he would care more that I got hurt than this stupid belief that he had about how I should be but he didn’t... Just trying like he wanted wasn’t good enough. He—He hasn’t talked to me since.”

And now Minji words when she woke up made perfect sense. She really wasn't talking to Yoohyeon.

Minji stopped going but the damage was already done, it was clear even before she added. “I tried Hyeon. I am so sorry. My head has gotten so messed up. I tried for a long time to get it all in order. Didn’t want to share this burden with you guys and see this look on your face. But I was suffocating. I love you so much. Nothing can ever change that. Not-not… not anything he could’ve said or done. But everything was telling me to break things with you to get away from all the pain. And I fought it, but things just kept getting worse. Their words got to me, and it just seemed like the world kept getting darker, and my thoughts murkier, till I couldn’t stand myself anymore…”

Yoohyeon walked back to Minji’s room, with the weight of the truth on her shoulder. Minji had wanted to break up with her for months, and instead put herself in pain to hold on to their relationship. And Yoohyeon had no clue that she was the problem. That every time she begged Minji to talk to her, the truth Minji was hiding was that being with Yoohyeon was hurting her. That every time she comforted Minji, she was also the source of her struggle. That every nightmare was about them or what happened to Minji because of them.

Minji was eerily calm, sitting between Bora and Siyeon. She had expected the tears to continue in her absence.

Minji immediately got up when she spotted Yoohyeon. The concern was back on her face. As if how Yoohyeon was taking everything was much more important than how Minji was feeling, what Minji went through.

“A-Are you okay?” Minji’s words were hesitant, apologetic for having hurt Yoohyeon with her story when Yoohyeon was the one who wanted to beg for forgiveness.

Yoohyeon took the hand that Minji offered with her question and pulled Minji into the tightest hug she could give without hurting her.

“I’m sorry I left,” Yoohyeon whispered.

“No no, it was a lot I know.”

How was Minji so calm when Yoohyeon felt like she was falling apart?

“It was a lot for you, Minji,” Yoohyeon wasn’t going to allow Minji to put them above herself. Minji was calm because she wanted to comfort them, Yoohyeon realized it now. “Please Minji, don’t try to put us first here. What happened to you… You should have never had to go through that. I am so sorry we couldn’t protect you—”

“Hyeon, you promised…” Minji’s voice was watery.

“That was before I found out how much you were hurting because we were together. I don’t even know the extent of it. Did you feel overwhelmed every time I touched you? I kissed you all the time, I told you I loved you every day… W-when we slept together, where was your head at? Until only a bit before our breakup, you returned every touch, every kiss… Did you torture yourself for my sake? I don’t know how to wrap my head around any of this—”

“—Hey hey! None of that. It wasn’t like that,” Minji frowned. “Hyeon, I love you. I am so in love with you. Nothing is changing that. And hearing these words from you only brings me joy and comfort. I feel like the luckiest person alive when you touch me and care for me. You, Kim Yoohyeon, are the light in my life. Even when things got dark, you guided me home every time. That’s how I managed to hold on for so long. Because I knew that loving you could never be wrong. That I was so so lucky to have been caught in your orbit. You are the reason why I haven’t completely crumbled long ago.”

Yoohyeon’s heart was elated at the words, but her brain stopped her from celebrating them. “But you said… Minji you broke up with me! You had wanted to do it for months!”

Minji held Yoohyeon’s face between her hands. “And it hurts me so much to be apart from you. But my head isn’t in the right place, Hyeon, and you know it. My thoughts weren’t my own anymore. What I am telling you right now I am saying it when my mind is a bit clearer, but before… I couldn’t look at myself. I couldn’t do anything without doubts surrounding me. And things were getting worse because I wasn’t talking to you, any of you. I isolated myself even when I was right there with you guys. Because I started thinking that I didn’t deserve any of your love, and then my worries started becoming real, I was becoming insufferable for you all—“

Minji quickly continued before they could object, “—no I know I have given you guys the hardest time. And I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t stop my head, and the doubts they shackled me. And then I made one stupid decision after the other in trying to fix what was happening. I didn’t break up with you because I didn’t love you or because you were hurting me. The problem was—is my mind,” Minji tapped the side of her head for emphasis. “The love and pain got so mixed up till I hated myself, and I just needed to get away from it all. None of it was fair to you, and I needed to do better. Losing you was like a shock to my system, I would have never gone to therapy—”

Yoohyeon’s face crumbled at the mention, “I made you go, even when I saw you weren’t okay there that first day. I insisted knowing that you weren’t going to say no to me, especially not when you were feeling guilty about the breakup. God I am so sorry Minji—”

“—Yoohyeon, that was one of the greatest gifts you could have given me, don’t you apologize for that!” Minji said vehemently. “You couldn’t help me yourself and so you gave me another way to start to heal, to start feeling like myself again, and I will forever be grateful for you for that. I hated the words ‘I need to do better’ because of how that doctor and my dad used it to try to change me, and I ended up terrified to talk because as Hana explained to me today, my mind made a connection between talking and horrible things happening. But something needed to change, and I thought I was losing you forever yet you stayed and supported me and that made me want to do better. Because you deserve the best of the best, and I was not it—I am not it.”

Minji didn’t give Yoohyeon a chance to object before she added, “But I want to be, as I told you. I want to be myself again. And you made me feel so safe to try to be the person you fell in love with again, not this broken person that you have to constantly worry about.”

Yoohyeon grabbed Minji’s hand and brought it to her lips. “You are not broken, Kim Minji. You are carrying so much on your shoulders. People who you trusted hurt you. Badly. Everything you are feeling is valid. All the confusion—god I can’t even imagine, Minji. I understand that you wanna work on yourself. And I fully support you. I want you to love yourself again. I want you to heal from all this shit you’ve been through. But don’t for one second think that I don’t still love you, just as you are. That you’ve somehow became this person that I don’t recognize. Because I know who you are Minji. Underneath all this hurt and pain, even if you can’t see it yourself, I see you.”

Minji took a deep breath, but the exhaustion was evident in how low her words ere. “There’s more that I haven’t told you. More that I can’t talk about right now otherwise I will completely breakdown.”

Yoohyeon felt like there was a knife twisting in her chest. There was more? Did Minji not go through enough?

The strangled noise from one of the other members reminded Yoohyeon of their presence.

“I am still not going anywhere. Whenever you’re ready to talk, I—we will listen. You don’t need to hide things from us, if you can’t talk you can just tell us that. Just don’t pretend you’re okay when you’re not. Please, Minji. Not anymore. Not when this is what you’ve been keeping inside of you all along,” Yoohyeon begged.

“I won’t. I just…” Minji’s hand came to her own head, and Yoohyeon could see that it wasn’t just Minji’s head that hurt, but the leader’s body was trembling despite the strong front she was putting up. Yoohyeon recalled Hana’s advice about not pushing too much, and followed Minji’s gaze, and figured out why Minji was still trying to keep it together.

Minji’s eyes were welling up at the sorrow that had descended on the room with her rain of truth; Siyeon was buried in Bora’s hold, their tears muffled into sniffles and hitched breaths, Dami’s hand was holding Bora’s as the rapper hid her face in Handong’s back but it was clear how her body shook, Handong’s eyes squeezed as tightly as she held an inconsolable Gahyeon in her arms.

But Yoohyeon didn’t want Minji to concern herself with the others right now. They were sad for her.

“Come here Minji,” Yoohyeon instructed gently as she pulled Minji towards the members who quickly made room for the pair. Yoohyeon lied down in the center of the double bed and hugged Minji to her chest, the leader’s body following her directions wordlessly. Yoohyeon caressed Minji’s cheeks, her focus entirely on her, but she could feel how the members shifted around them, Bora’s hand a solid support on Yoohyeon’s back, Siyeon’s body molding to Minji’s back like armor. It was a tight fit but none of them were objecting to the lack of personal space tonight.

Minji was the first to break the somber silence with a watery, “I’m s-sorry…”

“Minji, please don’t apologize,” Bora reached over Yoohyeon to touch Minji’s arm.

Siyeon continued for her, “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“We love you so so much, unnie,” Handong’s voice came from a bit further away, and a quick peek confirmed to Yoohyeon that Handong and the two maknaes sat on the floor next to the bed.

Dami cleared her throat, “We’ll get through this unnie. We’ll get you to the other side of wherever you have been stuck.”

“To-gether,” Gahyeon’s voice was broken but not lacking in determination.

The tears were running down Minji’s face, and Yoohyeon let them, Minji deserved to cry if she needed to, and instead she carded her fingers through the leader’s hair, hoping it would bring her any ounce of comfort. Minji must have been completely drained by how her eyes quickly started to flutter at the repetitive motion, her breathing slowing, her body relaxing against Yoohyeon’s.

Yoohyeon lightly pecked her forehead and whispered. “You can rest now, we’re here. We’ll keep you safe.”

When she was sure that Minji fell asleep, Yoohyeon’s thoughts got loud again as if knowing that they wouldn’t have been welcomed before. Yoohyeon felt the blood rush to her head as words kept on replaying over and over. Minji had unintentionally revealed something to only her.

“Restraining order? Did the company help you with this?”

“Yeah… I told the CEO what happened, and h-he helped me with it.”

An elusive puzzle piece fit right in the empty spot.

The CEO knew.

Chapter Text

The outpour of the day before weighed Minji down heavily, she could not get up. She had been battling against herself to get moving, but she was losing. Sleep calling to her as an escape from reality. She somehow felt empty with the truth out of her, and now there was so much room for other feelings to take the place of the secret that she had tried to keep from even herself.

And then there were the looks on the members’ faces etched at the back of her eyelids. Yoohyeon’s despair standing out in front of it all. She couldn’t escape from the image whether she closed her eyes or opened them.

“Unnie?” Siyeon called out and Minji realized she was not actually alone in the room. “Are you okay?” Siyeon questioned from the foot of the bed, watching Minji in concern.

“I’m not feeling very well,” Minji managed to say. After all the talking she did yesterday, it seemed like a tremendous effort to voice a few words today.

Siyeon squatted down in front of her, hand smoothing her hair tenderly. “It’s okay, you know. Yesterday was a lot.”

Minji shook her head, trying to force her body to cooperate, “I’ll get dressed—” but Siyeon didn’t let her get up.

“Just take the day, unnie,” Siyeon said softly. “If you’re feeling too sad today, you don’t have to force yourself. Staying in bed all day is probably not good for you, but neither is putting on a mask all day.”

Was she that transparent?

“I… I know it’s difficult unnie when your head and your body are against you. Some days are just gonna be impossible. We have a very demanding job, physically, emotionally… and it’s a type of self-care to just let yourself rest. You told me that.”

Minji was surprised, “Did I?”

Siyeon smiled, “Yeah. And I hated it at the time, just as you might hate it now. I wondered why you were telling me I could just pathetically wallow, instead of being the leader and telling me to get my ass into the recording studio and just sing. But you knew that forcing it wasn’t going to do me any good, and so I’m just reminding you. Every time you cry because you’re doing something you don’t want to is a step away from getting better not towards it. And with everything that has been happening, you deserve to rest your body and your soul.”

The tears welled up in Minji’s eyes at Siyeon’s kind words, and Minji hated how sensitive she was being. Shouldn’t she feel good now that she faced this trauma head on and managed to tell Yoohyeon and the members the truth?

Siyeon’s face fell, and she moved the blanket to join Minji in bed.

“Is Yoohyeon okay?” Minji asked, worried by the lead vocalist’s absence. She knew Yoohyeon wouldn’t normally leave her side.

“She’s… processing things. She didn’t really sleep, but she’s with Bora unnie right now and she only left your side when I promised her I would stay with you the whole time. So you don’t need to worry about Yoohyeon right now.”

Minji was still concerned, not knowing if Yoohyeon was still blaming herself or if she was angry at her for not telling her or what was on her mind. Doubts started to rise about her decision to reveal things in the middle of the night after her nightmare and the cruel words she unintentionally threw at Yoohyeon. There was never going to be a perfect time, and the longer she waited the harder it got and the more distance it put between her and Yoohyeon. But somehow talking didn’t feel as good as she would have expected.

“I should feel free, but I don’t. I’m just sad,” Minji confessed as the tears rolled down her face.

Siyeon placed her hand on Minji’s chest, above her heart, as if trying to comfort her right at the source. “You’re allowed to be sad, unnie. From what I understood, you were locking this all away just so you can continue living life normally like nothing happened. But you were hurt deeply and yesterday you admitted it for the first time and now you’re really feeling the pain from that wound.”

Minji rested her head on Siyeon’s chest, and Siyeon’s arm automatically came around her in a hug.

“I feel like I had somehow gotten myself in this situation,” Minji said.

Siyeon swallowed and Minji could tell the main vocalist was trying to keep herself calm, but her speeding heart rate gave it away. “Unnie… you didn’t do anything wrong. This is all on them. Your dad,” Siyeon sneered, “that fucking quack that you called a doctor who got you trusting him just to use it all against you… they are the ones to blame. Not you. Never you.”

“But if I had talked to you guys—”

Siyeon quickly interrupted, “—If you go down the what-ifs route, it’s gonna eat you up. I can’t even pretend to know what you must have been feeling at the time. You must have already been so heartbroken about your dad not taking you coming out well, but then to put on top of it all the other bullshit, to the point of making decisions for you without your permission, things that really harmed you…”

Minji felt the tears burn hot down her face, it was the first time she was hearing what happened to her from someone else and it felt much more real.

Siyeon added, “It’s no wonder that you had trouble trusting us after that.”

The knots twisted in Minji’s stomach, “But I do trust you guys.”

“I’m not saying this to blame you unnie. Your trust in all people was broken and it seeped into your relationship with us, now I see it. You were afraid that if you talked to us that somehow, we would turn on you too, right? Because that’s what happened with your dad, and that’s what that bastard told you would happen if you kept on being with Yoohyeon. You were so scared of losing her especially, and so you kept quiet.”

“I don’t know—I don’t know. I don’t know what happened, I don’t know how they got to me like that,” Minji repeated, desperate to make Siyeon understand.

Minji’s chest shook with the force of the sobs that escaped her, but Siyeon was quick in hugging her closer, almost like she was trying to keep the pieces of Minji together.

Siyeon’s hand moved up and down her back, “You’re okay, unnie. It wasn’t your fault. This person was actively manipulating you; it was his plan all along to break you. But you did so good, and got yourself out—”

“—My arm…” Minji let out a pitiful wail.

Siyeon’s hold on her tightened, “It was because of him, wasn’t it? When we had to take you to the hospital.”

Minji nodded.

“You were so scared that night… of everyone, especially the doctors… especially the nerve test…” Siyeon recalled, her voice watery.

Minji’s chest was suddenly constricting at the vivid memory that Siyeon’s words conjured, “S-Siyeon…” she called out breathless, scared.

The main vocalist immediately shifted down, hand on Minji’s face to make eye contact. “You’re safe. We’re in our room. The other members are right outside. You’re safe unnie, okay?”

“Sa-fe,” Minji whispered back, trying to hold on to Siyeon’s presence.

“I’m right here. You’re safe with us. We’re not letting anyone hurt you ever again,” Siyeon’s words were a promise, but Minji knew that Siyeon didn’t know enough to keep it. But she wanted her to.

“The company… they know about me and Yoohyeon, about this…”

Siyeon’s movements came to a sudden halt. “They know—fuck, unnie, what? They know about Yoohy—THEY KNOW ABOUT THIS SHIT YOU’VE BEEN THROUGH?”

Minji startled at the loudness, shrinking a bit on herself.

“Sorry, sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you,” Siyeon said quickly. “Unnie, please tell me they helped you.”

Minji swallowed, “With that therapy, yeah… they made sure that the doctor can’t come anywhere near me again.”

“But?”

“But that was the only good thing they did. Siyeona,” Minji cried, no longer having the will power to keep it in, “The CEO… He’s not a good person. He was—is the worst of them.”

“Unnie… you said you had to choose yourself and Dreamcatcher over Yoohyeon, it’s been stuck in my head ever since.” Siyeon’s voice was like molten steel when she asked, “What did he ask you to do?”

—————————

For the rest of the night, Yoohyeon replayed every clue Minji ever gave them, everything they ever found out, till her heart beat at a galloping speed and she had to get out of the dorm, because her mind made a connection that she hoped was complete over reaching.

Someone was following her, but she didn’t care as long as it wasn’t Minji, and Minji was safely in her bed with Siyeon promising to watch over her, and the other members were in the dorm too after having canceled their practices for the day, just so that Minji, and all of them really, could get a chance to deal with the aftermath of Minji’s revelation.

She walked for a few blocks, before finally turning to the member who was silently shadowing her.

Bora was slightly out of breath, no doubt from having to catch up to Yoohyeon’s quick gait, but she didn’t say anything, just waited for Yoohyeon.

“The company knows,” the taste the words left on her tongue wouldn’t be going away any time soon.

“Knows what?” Bora tilted her head.

“About me and Minji,” Yoohyeon was feeling both too warm and cold at the same time.

“What? How? What makes you think that?” Bora’s eyes were frantic. “How did you get that from what Minji said?”

“Yesterday with Hana, Minji said that the CEO helped her get away from that fucked up therapy her dad sent her to.”

Bora startled, “I-what? Shit… but that’s good, no? The CEO helped her, even though that means he definitely knows she’s gay.”

Yoohyeon shook her head, “I don’t think that’s all. I think that came with a price. So many things haven’t been making sense, too many contradictions, too many times the company is doing things that are not good for her, things that she doesn’t want to and yet she doesn’t say no. Up until we broke up,” Yoohyeon stomach was dropping as she said her conclusion out loud. “She suddenly started saying things will go back to normal. Why was she suddenly saying that talking to the CEO will get things back to normal? Why after she broke up with me? If it was about the stress from the promotions, she could have talked to the CEO first and then things would be normal and our relationship wouldn’t be so stressful for her, right? And if it was about this therapy, if we can even call it that,” Yoohyeon said the word in disgust, “then why not break up with me months ago when she was going to it? When whatever it was that he did to her happened? Why so recently when she was getting so popular from that special clip and doing the promotions that she didn’t want to do? Why after the gala and that Lee Sangwon and Knowing Bros episode bullshit unless it was all connected?”

Yoohyeon was breathing heavily by the end of her rant, “Please make it make sense unnie, because my brain is about to explode here. I’m reaching, right?”

Yoohyeon focused all her attention on Bora, waiting for the main dancer to tell her to calm down and that she was spiraling in trying to find a reason again.

But only silence that was louder than words answered her back.

“Unnie, please tell me that I’m just imagining this. Please tell me that Minji hasn’t been keeping something like this from me since—”

“—Since that day that the CEO stormed into the dance room angrily a few months ago,” Bora interrupted, horror slowly dawning on her face.

Yoohyeon tried to swallow the lump forming in her throat, but it was stuck there choking her.

“That was the start of it, right? The first weird thing that happened as far as I can remember.”

“Unnie…” Yoohyeon pleaded with Bora to counter her words, to stop agreeing with her.

“Yooh, I think you’re r-right.”

No no no no no no no no.

“I remember she was acting off when she came back but she didn’t say anything, just said it was something about messing up the scheduling and then—”

“—in the middle of the night Siyeon unnie told us she woke up because Minji came back to their room crying, and the next day Minji was so anxious and couldn’t even go to work.”

The puzzle pieces all perfectly aligned, but Yoohyeon wanted to flip the whole table.

It was worse than anything she has ever felt, because Yoohyeon had never felt anything but absolute love for Minji, even if there were times of frustration, the love was never overshadowed. But right now, this mix of anger and betrayal was all directed at Minji. Yoohyeon wasn’t as concerned that the company found out about their relationship right now as she was that Minji didn’t tell her. That not only did she not tell her, but she eventually broke up with her because of it. That she was actively hiding it with vague words whenever they asked her what was going on.

There was silence that was only broken up by the street traffic for a minute. Yoohyeon was just staring at the ground, trying to counter this realization with anything but only finding more proof instead.

“Yooh, what—what are you thinking?” Bora asked hesitantly, not daring to touch the lead vocalist, her hand hanging in the air between them instead.

Yoohyeon’s voice was devoid of all emotion when she said. “I’m thinking that if this is true, then Minji and I are over for good.” Then Yoohyeon walked past Bora, in the direction of the dorm.

“What?” Bora’s eyes widened in shock. Bora was quick on her heels. “Yoohyeon stop. Stop!” Bora pulled on her arm till Yoohyeon paused. “Yoohyeon please stop and think for a minute. If all of this is because the CEO knows and doesn’t approve, and Minji only just broke up with you recently that means she was trying to make it work. She was trying to both be with you and protect you both from the company.”

“No. It means that Minji decided that she knows best when there are two people—there were two people in this relationship. It means she didn’t trust me for fucking months! She gave us more of a courtesy as our leader when the company started thinking about shutting down Minx than she did in my relationship with her. Tell me what the hell could ever remain between us after all this?” anger wrapped itself around Yoohyeon’s throat, words spat out with venom.

“Love, Yoohyeon. She loves you so much—”

“She said it herself when she broke up with me, sometimes love is not enough.” Yoohyeon started walking again.

But Bora rushed and stood in front of her stopping her. “I understand you’re very angry right now, and you have every right. But Yooh, just please—”

“You’re taking her side?” Yoohyeon felt a bit betrayed.

“I’m not taking anyone’s side. But if you talk to her right now you could ruin your relationship forever. And I can’t let you do that; as your friend, as your sister, as your group member, I don’t want you to do anything you will regret later. With what she told us last night… I don’t think any of us can imagine what she has gone through with this therapy,” Bora cautioned. “I’ve been looking it up since I woke up and it’s all horror stories, and I wanna burn down this world that makes it okay to put someone through this hell just because they don’t fit in their idea of “normal”. And add on top of that, her family sent her to this and aren’t talking to her anymore, the CEO knows and disapproves, but she was trying to do whatever he wants to keep you two together. And mind you this is all speculation from us right now. We can’t possibly guess what was going on through her mind.”

It might have been an exaggeration, but Yoohyeon felt like the world was collapsing around her. She clutched at her sweatshirt above her heart trying to reign in her emotions but there was just so many of them. Devastation for what Minji had to go through with her father and the therapy. Anger at Minji keeping such a thing about their relationship from her. Sadness at the loss of trust between them. Furiousness at the CEO for whatever he must have asked of Minji that ended up not just tore their relationship apart but Minji as well. Confusion at how so much happened right under their noses. But above all was the guilt. She didn’t do enough. Not enough to protect Minji. Not enough for Minji to trust her. Not enough to keep their group united and strong.

“I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to think,” Yoohyeon cried. “She is in so much pain and I wish I could take her away from all of it. But right now, I am also so angry at her for not letting me in all this time. She didn’t let me help her. Why unnie? Why didn’t she let me be there for her? She kept saying that she needs to find herself again, and I kept telling her that I see her underneath all of this, but for the first time I am realizing maybe I really don’t know Minji at all.”

Bora scowled, “Kim Yoohyeon, get this thought out of your mind right now! This is Minji we’re talking about. I don’t even need to hear what happened to know that everything she did was for you and by extension all of us. Maybe she made some bad decisions, but her intentions will always come from her love for you.”

“I would’ve waited a lifetime just to get this chance to tell you this. I love you, Yoohyeon.”

Minji’s confession after their first kiss rang out in her head.

“I don’t want to breathe. I don’t want to do this. I love you. Please— I can’t. Love you. I need to! I— Please don’t hate me. I can’t take it— I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I can’t. I love—”

Every other sentence when Minji was breaking up with her was that she loved her.

“You’re my last love. There is no moving on for me.”

“ I was devastated because a life without the promise of you in it … it was all dark.”

“Hyeon, I love you. I am so in love with you. Nothing is changing that… You, Kim Yoohyeon, are the light in my life. Even when things got dark, you guided me home every time. That’s how I managed to hold on for so long. Because I knew that loving you could never be wrong. That I was so so lucky to have been caught in your orbit. You are the reason why I haven’t completely crumbled long ago.”

A sob tore through Yoohyeon’s chest. Just how much did Minji love her? It seemed boundless and yet here Yoohyeon was doubting her because she couldn’t reconcile Minji’s love with her actions. She didn’t know how to be the rock that Minji needed right now and be angry at her at the same time. So many feelings that kept hitting her heart like ocean waves, tumbling it in the memories she shared with Minji, crashing it against the wall of what were now no longer secrets.

“I don’t know what to do unnie. Please tell me what to do,” Yoohyeon repeated, the tears choking her words. “I love her so much, but it hurts. Every breath hurts right now. Plea-se…”

Bora was now quick to hug her, “It’s okay, it’s gonna be okay.”

“How?” the thought so unbelievable right now.

It felt like nothing would ever be okay again.

Chapter Text

Minji sensed that something was off the moment Yoohyeon and Bora walked into the dorm a few hours later. Usually, Yoohyeon’s smile found her as soon as she entered a room, but it was nowhere to be seen now, Yoohyeon purposefully facing the ground as she slowly took off her shoes and jacket, as if trying to delay her entrance.

Like a lightning strike, anxiety made its presence known in Minji’s chest as the pair walked further in, Bora throwing worried glances at Yoohyeon but not looking at Minji either.

And somehow Minji just knew it. There was only one thing that would make Yoohyeon not want to look at her anymore. The truth.

Minji steeled herself for the heartache that was about to happen. She promised herself that if the day ever came that she would not breakdown. That she would give Yoohyeon the space she needed to—

“I wish I could hate you,” Yoohyeon spoke too soon, before Minji had a chance to fully shield herself and the words hit her right in the place that held all the love Yoohyeon ever showed her.

Yoohyeon’s rain of arrows continued, “I wish I knew how to be mad at you. I was so angry all the way here, but the moment I’m in the same room as you, it all evaporates. I wish I knew how to not love you this much.”

Minji swallowed her pain. She wasn’t going to make this about her, Yoohyeon deserved this space.

Yoohyeon then looked up, eyes clouding with a storm of emotions that Minji hated to be the eye of. “Do you understand that I want to hate you right now?”

“Yes,” Minji whispered.

“Do you understand that I don’t hate you?” Yoohyeon asked, but her words were completely void of emotions.

The tears stung at Minji’s eyes, but she refused to let them fall.

“Minji, right now I need to hear you say it. I need to be able to have this conversation without worrying that you will think that. I won’t be able to talk to you if—”

Minji ripped a soft smile out of the peeling walls of her heart. “I know, Hyeon. You can say whatever you want right now. I know you don’t hate me.”

Yoohyeon softened at the response, and Minji meant it. Yoohyeon has proved time and time again how much she cared about Minji, and even Minji’s fucked up brain couldn’t convince her otherwise anymore. Even right now, Yoohyeon was still telling her how much she loved her. Whether things would ever be the same between them again was another story.

Out of the corner of her eyes, Minji noticed Bora quietly signaling to Siyeon and then both making their way to her bedroom to give them privacy.

“Were you ever going to tell me?” Yoohyeon’s question was dripping in blood from the raw wound Minji’s secret has inflicted on her.

“After the last two days, yes. Before then, I don’t know…” Minji answered honestly.

Yoohyeon’s face scrunched in pain at her answer. “So you decided that you were alone in this relationship and that you would handle it yourself. As if we weren’t in this together.”

Minji shook her head vehemently.

“Then what? If you say you were trying to protect me—”

“—I was. I am.”

Yoohyeon’s hands came up to her hair, brushing it out of her face in distress. “Don’t say that.”

“I am.”

“You had no right Minji,” Yoohyeon barked out. “You had no right to exclude me like this. This affects me as much as it affects you, and you had no right making this kind of decision on your own. You are not the leader in our relationship god damn it!” Yoohyeon’s breath was getting labored as her controlled temper overloaded. “You’re not even like this as the Dreamcatcher leader. Together, together, we’ve said it a hundred times, you and I are in this relationship together, whatever problems either of us have, we deal with them together! Was it all a joke to you? Something you just say to make me feel like I had a say when really you are in charge?”

“It’s not like that…” Minji’s heart broke at Yoohyeon’s words, but she was determined to stay composed. For Yoohyeon.

Yoohyeon shook her head, “Then what was it? What— I feel like I don’t know you right now. I’ve always prided myself in how much I knew you, because you are that precious to me, that it’s an honor to hold the key to your heart and mind. But I can’t wrap my head around this right now, Minji. Do I really mean this little to you? You think I am so small and naive that you have to protect me and make decisions for me… even—” Yoohyeon’s words broke with her tears. “Even break us up rather than tell me what was happening? Like you know what’s best and I just have to accept it.”

It wasn’t like that. It wasn’t like that. It wasn’t like that. Minji repeated in her head as a mental counter to every one of Yoohyeon’s punches.

“Months, Minji! You kept this from me for months!” Yoohyeon said in disbelief, “and to what end? You were falling apart over this and everything else instead of talking to me—” a sob escaped Yoohyeon.

Minji’s hands clenched at the pain rolling over Yoohyeon. Pain for her.

Yoohyeon was suddenly in front of her, both hands cupping her cheeks, leaving Minji with no choice but to look into eyes that held devastation she never thought she would be the source of. She never thought she would be the one who hurt Yoohyeon the most like this.

“Tell me why, please… please Minji,” Yoohyeon begged, “All cards on the table. No more secrets. Please… Why did you put yourself through so much pain alone when I was right here with you?”

The question sent a crack down the front Minji was putting up in how it startled her. She knew Yoohyeon loved her yet somehow still managed to underestimate how much. At the height of her pain, Yoohyeon was asking Minji about hers.

“I—” Minji was choking on her own words. Minji thought nothing could compare to how much she loved Yoohyeon, but right now she felt herself getting smaller and smaller next to Yoohyeon’s infinite love.

“Please…” Yoohyeon repeated. “I need you to talk to me. Please. If you care for me at all—”

Minji’s hands immediately came to rest on top of Yoohyeon’s. “—Don’t say that. You have every right to feel everything you feel right now. You can be as angry as you want, I am listening to every word you say. But please don’t question how much I love you.”

Minji’s request seemed to calm Yoohyeon down, the lead vocalist taking in a shaky breath. “Okay,” Yoohyeon whispered then took a step back from Minji, disconnecting them. “I know you love me. But I don’t think you trust me. How did this make you so closed off Minji? I just don’t understand, and I have tried to figure this out for months now, tried to do everything to help you. And yesterday… I though my heart was broken from what you told us, I felt like I had failed you, then I find out it is even worse than that. And it’s not even that the company knows about us that is bothering me Minji, because I wholly believe we could’ve figured this out together. My first thought wasn’t even to panic about our jobs, but it’s that you kept this from me. And I don’t understand why… For the job? Do you care so much more about the job than me that you didn’t want me to have the option to maybe make a choice that would affect that?”

A slap to everything that Minji has gone through.

“No, Yoohyeon. I care so much more about you than everything else. I care so much about your dream. I wasn’t going to let anyone take it away from you, not even me, and not when 5 other people’s dreams relied on it too.”

“And the 7th?”

“Huh?”

“Me, and 5 other people, what about the 7th? What about you?”

Minji’s breath hitched. “It was my dream too.”

“Was?”

“Until I had to choose between you and being an idol, and realized that you are my dream,” Minji let her tears fall with the admission. “I realized I could find happiness doing other things, as long as I had you by my side.”

Yoohyeon’s face crumbled, a hand going to her heart. “And yet you didn’t choose me in the end…”

Minji shook her head, a sad smile making its way to her face. “I know it doesn’t look like it, but I did. I chose you, and us, over and over and over till I couldn’t anymore. I was too weak to keep doing everything to keep us together—no, it wasn’t even that I was too weak,” Minji corrected herself, Hana’s words a kind reminder ringing out in her head. “It was too much, for anyone, and I was squashed down under the weight. The only way I could make the decision to try to put myself together again was with the knowledge that you wouldn’t want me to shatter myself like this. Because at some point these pieces were becoming so small, ground down to fine dust, completely beyond repair. There are parts of me that I don’t think I will ever recover. The part of me that loved what we do, the part where this was my dream too… I-I think that’s gone.”

Yoohyeon’s face reflected her own, tears falling unrestrained, eyes having lost their light. That would be Minji’s biggest regret, driving Yoohyeon to this place too.

Yoohyeon closed the distance between them again, and grabbed Minji’s hand and gave a watery smile, “I’m glad you knew deep down that I wouldn’t have wanted you to treat yourself like this. Not for me, and not for anything.” Yoohyeon pulled on Minji’s hand and lead them to the couch to sit down. Yoohyeon didn’t let go of Minji’s hand when she said. “Tell me everything. From the start. I deserve to know, and you deserve to share this load.”

Minji held on to Yoohyeon’s hand a little tighter, something to tether her here as she started to unload the rest of the weights that kept her submerged under water.

Yoohyeon batted her eyelashes, moving closer, trailing her fingers up Minji's arm, “Minji. Love of my life. Apple of my eye. The sun in the sky—”

Minji interrupted her incredulously, “—Seriously? I wake up alone in bed this morning because you and Gahyeon fell asleep in the living room playing video games, but this makes you remember that I’m your girlfriend?”

Minji intended to tease Yoohyeon, but the younger girl froze. Minji frowned, “What?”

Yoohyeon flushed red, and asked in a quiet voice, “Girlfriend?”

“Uhmmm yes?” Minji said, then paused realizing this was the first time she said it. “I guess we never really talked about it, but I just assumed that’s what we were… If—” Minji gulped, feeling her heart rate pick up at having possibly overstepped, “If you don’t—If it’s too soon… Sorry I shouldn’t have assumed—”

But then Yoohyeon's lips were suddenly crashing on to hers, and she was automatically kissing her back, her body humming with electricity, feeling like she could never get used to Yoohyeon’s touch being a normal fixture in her life. Yoohyeon deepened the kiss, hands on Minji's waist pulling her closer, and Minji would’ve happily obliged into melting into Yoohyeon’s touch, if she hadn’t remembered they were literally in the middle of a hallway.

“… If I knew we were gonna have this conversation, I would've planned out something romantic for us,” Minji said regretfully, already trying to think of plan for the evening to make up for taking a step forward in their relationship in such a messy way.

“I know you’re a bit older, but we’re partners here, right?” Yoohyeon asked softly and Minji nodded quickly, earning a smile from Yoohyeon. “You don’t need to feel like you’re the responsible one in our relationship. We do things together, okay?”

Minji didn't think she could love Yoohyeon anymore than she already did but the way she felt as if her heart just expanded proved her wrong. Minji couldn’t help but pull Yoohyeon in for another kiss.

Later, the door to their practice room slammed open, a bang echoing in the room from how loud the door hit the wall, making the girls jump at the intrusion.

“Kim Jiu!” the CEO snarled as he stalked into the room towards Minji.

“Yes, CEO-nim?” Minji’s voice wavered at the anger radiating off the CEO. “Is—is everything okay?

“My office. Now.” The CEO’s tone was laced with venom.

Yoohyeon flinched as Minji recalled how a staff member, she still didn’t know which one, had not only seen them, but recorded them in that hallway, and went straight to the CEO with this information. How the CEO had completely flipped out, telling Minji that she was going to ruin everything that everyone had worked so hard for over years. How he threw the terms of her contract in her face, morality clause highlighted with red ink dripping over the scattered pages she had to get on her knees to gather, only to find that it was Yoohyeon’s contract not hers.

Yoohyeon froze, realization finally dawning on her how close she came to losing her job, and how it hadn’t actually happened so far.

“M-My contract—Minji, what did you do?” Yoohyeon questioned scared.

“What I had to in order for you and all of us to keep our jobs. He wasn’t going to disband Dreamcatcher, he thought it would continue just fine w-without you… I told him that I would quit that very same moment, and that I doubt that any of the other members would continue if one of us was forced out of the group. He-He told me if Dreamcatcher ended then it was on me… because actions have consequences… and I believed him.”

“—Minji, that’s not true,” Yoohyeon held her own head, as if trying to keep everything contained. “God, Minji… You should’ve come to me right away.”

Minji ripped the tape right off, “I did.”

Yoohyeon looked up at her with wide eyes, “What?”

“I came back to the dorm to talk to you, but you weren’t there, instead—”

“—I was on the roof because I had prepared you a surprise dinner,” Yoohyeon finished for her in realization, shoulders dropping.

Minji nodded. “You were so sweet, and I was falling in love with you all over again because you went through all this effort in such a short amount of time because you knew I would feel guilty about not asking you to be my girlfriend in a romantic way. Because you knew that this kind of thing mattered to me, even if it didn’t for you, and you wanted the day to be special, and with me being pulled into that meeting with the CEO, you knew that I wouldn’t have time to turn the night around like I wanted. I sat down in front of you and all my thoughts and panic came to a stop because I knew then and there that I would choose you over everything. Even if it meant I would not be an idol anymore. I knew that I wanted to be with you for the rest of my life.”

Tears filled up Yoohyeon’s eyes at Minji’s confession.

“I didn’t want to ruin our special day so that this milestone in our relationship isn’t tainted when we look back on it, so I decided to tell you the next day instead,” Minji continued. “But first, there was something that I had to do. I didn’t know what the next day would bring, whether we’ll all lose our jobs, or if we were gonna figure out a way around it, or if by some chance you would instead want to break up. But I needed to talk to my parents.”

Yoohyeon gasped, the dots connecting in her mind. “No…”

Minji pressed a pained smile, “I needed to tell them myself about you in case things blew up. And I needed their support for what’s to come. Things were going to be so challenging no matter what happened, and I just… I just needed the extra strength to be able to get through it.”

Whatever anger Yoohyeon had held gave away for the compassion the lead vocalist was famous for. Yoohyeon let her pain for Minji show, resting her head on Minji’s shoulder, an arm wrapping around Minji’s waist.

“I-I already told you what happened there. I also told them that the company found out and all my dad could think about was the scandal this would bring, the dishonor I would bring on his name, how he wouldn’t be able to look his friends, who he used to brag to about me all the time, in the eyes anymore. He told me I had to fix it, that the CEO has done so much for me over the years, that he cared about me, and I just had to appeal to Joowon to make things right. That I am also burdening you so much by putting your career at risk like that instead of taking charge as the leader and dealing with it myself.

“That I was fucking up all the other members’ lives too by being… what I am. I wasn’t listening to him then, I tried to explain but he got so angry and kicked me out. My mom didn’t even say anything the whole time,” the pain rippled from Minji’s heart, washing over her, threatening to consume her again. “It hurt so much Hyeon. They’re my parents. And they’re great parents, everything good in me I owe to them. They were supposed to love me unconditionally. But… he turned on me right when I needed them. I opened up and it all went to hell,” Minji was desperate for Yoohyeon to understand. “Between what happened at the company and my parents’ rejection, all in the same day, I got so overwhelmed, I couldn’t talk to you, or anyone else.”

“I-I remember,” Yoohyeon said as she recalled the events of that day.

Siyeon was absentmindedly stirring her coffee with a spoon. But the sugar container was nowhere near her even. Yoohyeon watched the odd behavior for a minute, Bora also beside her watching Siyeon intrigued.

“Unnie, did you not get enough sleep?” Yoohyeon finally asked, startling Siyeon.

“Huh?”

Yoohyeon smiled in amusement. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah fine,” Siyeon said then stopped her stirring. “Did you and Minji unnie have a fight last night?”

Yoohyeon raised an eyebrow, “Not at all. We had a really great night actually, thank you guys for helping me prepare everything.”

Siyeon bit her bottom lip and Yoohyeon's grateful smile dropped.

“Why do you ask? Did she not have a good time?” Yoohyeon asked worried. Minji had seemed to be a bit pre-occupied, but she guessed it was because of the scheduling mishap that she said the CEO called her to his office angrily for. But she seemed to have relaxed as the evening went by and was her normal loving self when they fell into bed together, with locked lips, tangled legs, and roaming hands. The only odd thing was that when Yoohyeon woke up this morning, Minji wasn’t by her side, but it wasn’t unheard of if the leader had early work to do.

“I… I don’t know. She came back to the room in the middle of the night,” then Siyeon looked up at her. “She was trying to keep quiet, but I woke up because she was crying so much.”

Yoohyeon's heart skipped a beat, wanting to bounce straight to Minji, “What? Why?”

“I don’t know, she didn’t say anything. I thought maybe you guys had a fight. Then I even checked to see if she was maybe hurt anywhere because she sounded like she was in so much pain. You’re sure you didn’t do anything that would upset her?”

“No, trust me, she was having a very good time, ” Yoohyeon said a bit shyly. “But we went to sleep really early, she was tired. I don’t even know when she got up, you know I am a heavy sleeper.” Yoohyeon’s eyes flitted to the door. “Is she still sleeping?”

Siyeon shook her head, tiredness heaving her words, “She didn’t sleep.”

“I’ll go check on her,” Yoohyeon said, concern pulling her limbs to Minji quickly.

Minji hadn’t didn’t say much that day, just that she was feeling sick, which wasn’t a lie, panic about going to the company coupled with lightheadedness from having not slept and crying for hours over taking her.

     “Minji, what did Joowon want in exchange for not f-firing me?” Yoohyeon asked, something unrecognizable clouding her words. It was more than just anger.

“I do what he wants…” Minji swallowed, “He didn’t demand things at first, just made it clear that he wasn’t happy with our relationship. It wasn’t like we were exposed to the general public, so I wanted to show him that it can work. Me and you, with nothing changing for Dreamcatcher at the same time. It started small, requests here and there about how to do things in a certain way like he wanted. They were minor inconveniences at most, and most of the time only affected me. At the same time that t-therapy was also going well, so I thought… I thought we—I was in the clear. Till I wasn’t.”

Yoohyeon’s face was already falling.

“The doctor started twisting my words, Joowon was criticizing our work, both attacking our relationship at the same time. I know—I know it was bullshit, that whatever the CEO was saying was nitpicking, and it really had nothing to do with us. Still, I felt like I needed to make it up to him somehow. But then…” Minji shuddered as she let the memory quickly pass her by, not ready to even mention it in more details again after her talk with Siyeon. “Then things went very bad at the therapy session…”

“The evening before you went to the hospital, right?” Yoohyeon was so careful with her words, a gentle touch on her arm accompanying them. “You were so out of it; it was like you weren’t even there with me till we were in bed.”

Minji hesitated, knowing that her reply could hurt the younger woman. “I was stuck in everything that happened, and I was fighting it all. I needed to not associate you with what happened, but it was too late…”

Yoohyeon’s eyes shone with tears, “You cried when we kissed.”

“I’m sorry Hyeon,” Minji said, her voice growing smaller. “And when I pulled away from you after coming back from the hospital, it was because the pain finally went away and my body reacted as though you would bring it back. It wasn’t your fault but—”

“It wasn’t yours either, why are you apologizing?” Yoohyeon’s voice was thick with pain. “And you didn’t let that stop you anyway, later that night you were cuddling with me on the couch.”

“I tried so hard to push past it, but sometimes it would slip through in those first days after,” Minji confessed. “So I kept trying and trying till I managed to lock it all up. It was the only way I could move forward at the time.”

Minji knew now it wasn’t a healthy way to deal with it and it only ended up making things worse by triggering her panic attacks and dissociation. But back then it seemed like the only option.

Yoohyeon was wiping furiously at her own face, the tears kept on falling but Minji could tell the lead vocalist was trying to appear strong. For her. “Min-ji…” her name fell from Yoohyeon’s lips, broken yet so very treasured. “You did the best you could. There were only a few times you pulled away from me, only to realize what you did and fixed it right away. I didn’t know what was happening. I didn’t know you were struggling so much,” Yoohyeon spat out the self-accusation. “I didn’t help you.”

Minji took Yoohyeon’s hand, and as tenderly as she could said, “How would you have helped me when you didn’t know—when I didn’t tell you?”

“I-I don’t know, but I should’ve realized something was going on—no, I knew something was going on, I just didn’t know how big it was and I didn’t help enough. If I knew…”

“If you knew, what would you have done differently?” Minji challenged. “You already treated me so well, Yoohyeon. Even without knowing, you held me when I was feeling down, wiped away my tears, made sure I was sleeping well at night, let me know that you were there for me and that you would listen whenever I felt like I could talk, surrounded me with love every single day. You didn’t know what exactly was going on, but it didn’t matter, you were there for me every day anyway.”

Yoohyeon seemed to take Minji’s words to heart, her scowl softening, and the self-blame withering away slowly.

Their eyes held each other, love and gratitude flowing silently between them. For a minute, Minji almost forgot what even started this conversation. Something stinging at her eyes but in a warm, pleasant way.

But then Yoohyeon broke the spell with a question, “You said the CEO helped you?”

It took Minji a few seconds to let the cruel reality set back in. Yoohyeon looked almost apologetic, but the lead vocalist was also determined to get the bottom of this and Minji couldn’t fault her after how long she kept the truth away from her.

“Uhmm yeah,” Minji winced. “He had called me in to talk about my injury. He was actually worried,” Minji scoffed at how fast things changed. “I was still scared, and my arm… I was terrified that it was permanent, and I hadn’t told the doctors at the hospital how I was hurt, so I wasn’t sure if they were doing the right things to actually help me recover. I didn’t know if that doctor would come after me or threaten me or something to keep me quiet. And since the CEO knew about us anyway, and the company wouldn’t want something like this coming out, I told him. He was so shocked and angry at what happened, told me he was sorry that I had to go through something like that and that he would take care of it?”

“Take care of it?” Yoohyeon’s head tilted.

Minji shrugged, “I don’t really know the details, and at the time I just wanted it all over with. A couple of days later he told me it was done and showed me that I now had a restraining order against the doctor, so if he ever contacted me or came anywhere near me, he could get arrested. He said anything more than that would require me to talk to the police about what happened, and it would go on record…”

Yoohyeon breathed out in frustration, “And that would basically be you coming out to the public and also talking about the conv—the therapy.”

“And I definitely didn’t want that, and of course neither did the CEO.”

Yoohyeon waited for Minji to continue, knowing this wasn’t the end of it.

“I thought considering his reaction and how he helped, that I didn’t need to worry about the company knowing anymore. But turned out that then I owed him, and I owed him big.”

Yoohyeon straightened up, almost like she was reading herself for what was about to be told. But something was gripping at Minji’s chest, the anxiety of knowing she was getting to the part of the story that would probably change the trajectory of their lives tying her tongue into a knot.

“What are you scared of?” Yoohyeon frowned, grabbing Minji’s hands between her own, reading her so quickly.

It was a question she asked her before when they first talked after breaking up, and her answer still hasn’t changed. She didn’t want to let them down. In any way. “Yoohyeona… It is never just us that I have to think about. The whole group—”

“—Would have your back no matter what happened. I don’t understand why this would stop you from talking to us—”

Minji shook her head, “That’s exactly why!”

Yoohyeon’s jaw visibly tightened, “So you don’t want us to support you?”

Minji breathed out, her hand coming to her head. She didn’t want to get into a misunderstanding with Yoohyeon because she was once again being vague. Taking a deep breath in, Minji wrestled the words away from the cage holding them in her chest. “I was asked to do things I didn’t want to do. Some of it like the special clip and promotions I did anyway. But other things… I couldn’t bring myself to. And our jobs were on the line if I didn’t do them, but also on the line if I told you guys. The only thing that I could still do was—”

“—Break up with me…” Yoohyeon finished for her as realization dawned on her, shock written on her face at the reason she was finally given. It took Yoohyeon a few seconds before she could ask, “Why that night? You asked me for help right before you went to the gala but everything was different when you came back. I know—I know what happened there was awful, but I don’t know how it connects to all this. Did you think that just like the promotions, the CEO would ask you to do the episode despite what happened?”

“I didn’t just think, I knew he would,” Minji said. Yoohyeon was still not understanding and so Minji decided it would be easier to show her. Minji pulled out her phone and scrolled down to the text that was the final hit to their relationship and handed it to Yoohyeon.

HF CEO: “LSW was very impressed with you tonight even though you left early. He extended the show invitation and said he hoped to continue the conversation you two were having before then? Well done, Jiu-ssi. ”

Yoohyeon’s expression darkened as she read the message.

“Did he know about what happened at the gala?” Yoohyeon asked, her words crackling with anger.

“I don’t know if he knew exactly, but he definitely knew about what kind of man Lee Sangwon was, what he would be after, and what he could offer in return. The CEO texted you guys about the Knowing Bros invitation before I got home in order to put me in a tough spot. So I wouldn’t say no. Because you guys would be so happy about this opportunity and he knew I would hesitate before I quashed that. It wasn’t just Lee Sangwon like you guys thought, it was both of them. When I talked to him about cancelling the episode after Lee Sangwon showed up at the company, I realized that the CEO probably had the whole thing set up, inviting me to the gala last minute, placing me in the seat right next to Lee Sangwon, leaving me alone in the conversation with him.”

Yoohyeon’s hands were curled into fists by the time Minji stopped. There were a few seconds of silence then Yoohyeon jumped to her feet and headed to her room without saying anything.

Minji felt her heart drop. A “please don’t leave” stuck in her throat.

——————————————

Yoohyeon couldn’t do this.

Not alone.

She was so angry and even though Minji had assured her she could be, Minji was also crumbling before her eyes the more she talked as if she had used all her strength to keep these secrets inside, and Yoohyeon didn’t want to break her. Hoped that Bora could help center her again so she didn’t take it out on the leader.

Her room was empty, and Yoohyeon felt satisfaction in slamming the door, just a little thing to take her aggression out on, the noise jarring enough to halt her thoughts for a much needed second.

Finding them in the next bedroom, Bora and Siyeon didn’t need instructions, immediately moving to follow her out to the living room.

Handong and Gahyeon tried to question her simple “Come to the living room,” but Dami thankfully right away caught on to the seriousness and led the two outside.

Finally coming back to Minji, Yoohyeon steeled her expression as she looked down at the seated leader and in a chilling voice that was unfamiliar to herself said, “Tell them what you just told me.”

“Yoohyeon, what—” Handong tried to talk, obviously also weirded out by Yoohyeon’s tone, but Yoohyeon raised a hand up stopping her.

“The company knows about Minji and me being together,” Yoohyeon revealed with no preemptive, startling everyone in the room. “They’ve known about it from months, and apparently the CEO has been basically blackmailing Minji about it.”

The reactions around the room were varied, with Handong and the two maknaes completely blindsided by what they were hearing, while Bora and Siyeon looked ready to jump into the conversation.

“What do you mean blackmailing?” Bora asked alarmed.

“Just as I told you,” Yoohyeon answered Bora. “The promotions and everything weird she was doing, it was because the company was asking and she couldn’t say no because the CEO knew about us and wasn’t happy about it, and threatened to fire me.”

Yoohyeon almost couldn’t believe what she was saying.

Gahyeon’s voice was low when she asked, “Unnie, is that true?”

But Minji stayed silent, overwhelmed by what was happening. Yoohyeon knew she should have maybe asked Minji before pulling everyone in like this, but Yoohyeon was absolutely done with being patient, and needed everything out in the open, for everyone. All the comfort she was ready to offer Minji, once she realized the timing connection between the company finding out and Minji coming out to her parents, had dissipated with the realization that things were much worse than Yoohyeon had prepared for them to be. The worst-case scenario she considered paled in comparison to the truth.

“Minji, say what you just said to me again,” Yoohyeon demanded, hardly able to look at the love of her life.

But Siyeon was moving to Minji’s side, hand on her back, a “Yoohyeon, calm down,” falling from her lips.

Minji shook her head, “It’s—It’s fine,” Minji tried to say but her voice was coming out weak, betraying her.

And Yoohyeon softened a bit, seeing the leader shivering. Minji had held on for so long, Yoohyeon couldn’t be the one to break her now. Sitting down on Minji’s other side, Yoohyeon stretched out her own trembling hand to the leader, offering her assurance as an anchor to keep her here when her mind was no doubt trying to pull her away.

Minji without hesitation took it, and together their hands didn’t shake as much anymore.

Minji recapped what she had said to the other members, not going in as many details initially, but Yoohyeon didn’t let her skim over anything.

A chilling silence fell on the room as she reached the part about Lee Sangwon again.

“Unnie… but when you talked to the CEO… things have been normal with your schedule. We haven’t had to do the Knowing Bros episode.” Dami was the first to break the silence. “Not that I don’t believe you!” Dami quickly added. “I’m just trying to understand how you knew what the CEO was asking for that night.”

Minji bit her lips as she tried to choose her words carefully but seemingly failed when she answered, “Because it wasn’t the first time.”

Yoohyeon’s heart lurched, her hands tightened around Minji’s, “What do you mean it wasn’t the first time?”

“S-Sunmi—”

Yoohyeon was on her feet again in second. Looking at Minji, Yoohyeon’s expression crumbled, “I asked you! I told you if she did anything to hurt you—”

Minji quickly shook her head. “It wasn’t like that, she didn’t do anything, she actually helped me. I l-lied though.”

“You lied… about what?”

“About why the collaboration was cancelled. It was true that the CEO thought Sunmi was into me, but he didn’t want to protect me from that, he wanted to use it…”

But they fully recorded the songs, the collaboration was nearly done when it was cancelled. “Minji please tell me you didn’t…”

“I wouldn’t cheat on you, Hyeon,” Minji said, a bit hurt at what she took as an accusation.

“Ch-Cheat on me?” Yoohyeon looked at Minji incredulously. What the hell was going on in Minji’s mind? At this point Yoohyeon wished it was a matter of things that were Minji’s choice. “That’s the least of my concern Minji! I only care that you were being asked to…” Yoohyeon couldn’t bring herself to say it. Didn’t know the right words to use for this sick scenario.

So Minji did, “To do whatever Sunmi wanted of me to get the most out of the collaboration.”

“Minji, did Sunmi pressure you to—” Yoohyeon felt the blood rush away from her head at the thought. Yoohyeon had idolized Sunmi half her life, trusted Minji with her when Minji was struggling—

“No, god no, not her,” Minji interrupted. “It was the CEO. It was the first time he asked… I couldn’t bear the thought of it. So I told Sunmi the truth. And as I already knew, she didn’t like me like that or anything. She wanted to cancel the collaboration so that he doesn’t think this is a strategy that would work. I… I didn’t want to cancel it… but she convinced me that you wouldn’t want to have your dream come true like this.”

The sob Yoohyeon let out was pure agony. Her dream. Did Minji not know that she was much more important them some silly teenage dream of collaborating with the ex Wonder Girls singer? Did her stupid dream put Minji in such a situation that someone as sick as the CEO could try to take advantage of Minji over it? First by punishing her for choosing Yoohyeon to sing the song, and now this?

Siyeon’s hand curled into a fist, bunching the back of Minji’s shirt, her breathing audibly loud as she tried to reign in her feelings.

Bora’s hands were at her temples, distress clear on her face.

“The CEO was so pissed off…” Handong recalled the meeting, her head shaking in disbelief.

Minji swallowed, “Because I lied to him too. I told him I tried to come on to Sunmi like he suggested and that Sunmi was offended and cancelled the collaboration. We lost the chance of having a song on Sunmi’s album and everything that would’ve come with that. The profit, the attention…”

“And you told us the company cancelled it because they were trying to protect you,” Dami continued, and the disappointment clear on her face. “I knew something was wrong with what you said that day, but I… I doubted myself because I didn’t think you would l—I didn’t think you would lie…”

None of them thought Minji would outright lie to them.

“Dami…” Minji pleaded. “I didn’t have a choice—I didn’t think I had a choice. He brought you all in and left me no option but to lie. I couldn’t tell you what I told him, but I couldn’t tell you the truth either. And obviously it didn’t work and I owed him even bigger after screwing up the Sunmi collaboration, and that’s why the promotions and then Lee Sangwon—”

“—Minji this is so fucked up,” Bora interrupted as if unable to hear Minji say it again. “This is all so fucked up!”

“He knew how much you loved Yoohyeon unnie and hammered in on that you would do anything for her. Unnie…” Gahyeon’s words were watery but dipped in empathy that Yoohyeon wished she could inject into her words.

But her voice was low, laden with a heavy breath as she spoke, “How—How the hell did he expect you to go through with things like that? How could he even ask you?”

Minji seemed relieved at hearing Yoohyeon speak, and Yoohyeon truly had no idea what was going on in Minji’s mind at the moment.

“How did things get back to normal?” Dami asked again, her words sharp but there was an undercurrent of fear that quickly spread to the other members.

“Minji?” Yoohyeon said her name, begging for an answer that was far from what her mind was jumping to. They were already broken up, by Minji’s logic, she wouldn’t be cheating on her if she—

Minji took a deep breath, “I told him I broke up with you and that I wanted everything to be back to how it was before.”

Yoohyeon shook her head in anguish, trying to reject that their relationship was what brought all this on Minji.

 “And he thought it was funny that I thought he cared about who I was fucking.”

The rough description coming from Minji stunned them, looks of distaste appearing on some of the members’ faces. Yoohyeon recoiled in disgust at the reduction of their love and relationship to just fucking.

“He said that?” Siyeon’s voice could cut a person down.

And the tears made it back to Minji’s eyes as she told them how the CEO didn’t care about Minji’s relationship with Yoohyeon at all and that it was always about having something over her to get her to comply.

“I broke up with you over nothing,” a chuckle escaped Minji, but it was all pain and Yoohyeon’s eyes closed, as if it would somehow shield her from the words. “All of it was for nothing and I was so stupid to think that I had any sort of control—”

“—Don’t!” Yoohyeon opened her eyes to look at Minji, not able to hear the leader’s self-deprecating words from that night again. “Is that why you stopped talking to me after that meeting?”

Minji nodded ashamed, “I broke your heart because I selfishly thought I could save myself. And it turned out I was just a naive idiot—”

“—Minji, stop,” Yoohyeon pleaded, tears blurring her vision at Minji’s heartache and the realization that their relationship ended for nothing. “T-This isn’t your f-fault. He made it seem like it was about our relationship. You made the r-right—” the words tasted like iron in her mouth, and she spat them out bitterly. “You made the right choice.”

What else could Minji have done? Yoohyeon herself would have broken up with Minji long ago if it could’ve spared her all this pain.

Shaking her head roughly, Minji refused the words of absolution, “No. If-If it was the right choice then it would’ve solved the problem. I should’ve fought more for us instead of giving up. I managed to solve it after I learned the truth. If I wasn’t so stupid from the start, I would’ve seen that it wasn’t about us at all.”

“How… how did you solve it unnie?” Handong’s voice was heavy with resignation.

“You have to understand, I was out of options…” Minji looked up at the ceiling trying to hold the tears back. “I gave him my letter of resignation.”

A blow to the whole group.

Yoohyeon felt like she could throw up.

A couple of gasps rang out in the room.

“You quit?” Siyeon’s hand dropped from Minji’s back.

“Without talking to us?” Yoohyeon didn’t even know who voiced the thought that was on all their minds, but the betrayal was clear in the question.

Yoohyeon didn’t think anything could hurt as much as Minji breaking up with her did, then Minji told them about the therapy. And now it turned out there was even a close third. The pain just kept on multiplying.

“I didn’t know what to do, I felt so angry and powerless, and that was the only card I had left to play,” Minji’s voice was weak, as if she was trying to convince herself of what she was saying. “I couldn’t walk out of there with nothing. He took everything from me,” Minji turned to Yoohyeon, but Yoohyeon was already letting the defeat wash over her. “I needed a win, to make all this heartache worth it otherwise I couldn’t even breathe anymore.”

Yoohyeon’s tears were fat droplets encompassing all the heaviness the words cascaded on her.

Minji looked like she wished the ground would open and swallow her whole into the depth of hell—

“—Stop that…” Yoohyeon whispered to interrupt the thoughts that were clear on Minji’s face, her hand grasping Minji’s so tightly. “It’s as suffocating as hearing about everything that happened; hearing how much you blame yourself…” Yoohyeon added with a broken voice. “Please… just try for me.”

Yoohyeon didn’t even know what she was asking for, just that she needed to not see Minji drowning in this wreckage anymore.

And Minji tried to reign in the self-hatred but the leader’s hands literally shook as she looked down at them after Yoohyeon’s request.

“He didn’t accept your resignation?” Dami steered the conversation back on track.

Minji shook her head and told them how he said she couldn’t afford it and then she threatened to go public with what had been happening when things inevitably went to court, and that even the risk of exposure of her relationship with Yoohyeon would only play out in their favor not the company’s. And from there Minji had figured out that the company—the CEO had bet so much on Minji’s image and compliance with the plan he had, and once Minji brought that up and the losses the company would suffer should she leave, he was quick to tear up both Yoohyeon’s termination letter and Minji’s letter of resignation and give in to her demands.

There was a spark of pride for Minji managing to stand up to the CEO this way, but it was quickly put out as Yoohyeon realized that it was hardly a win. Minji’s state of mind after and her worsening depression only confirmed it.

“And he hasn’t tried anything else since?” Bora asked urgently.

Minji shook her head, but uncertainty was clear in her gesture. “No but… Sunmi and Hana both don’t think this would be the end of it. That there is no way he would let me have this much say…”

Siyeon scoffed, “Of course not. You wounded his pride and seeing how much of a psychopath he is, he wouldn’t let it go so easily.”

Everything was swirling like a tornado through Yoohyeon’s head. She was so exhausted and just kept on staring at Minji as if the leader wasn’t real. As if somehow Yoohyeon would wake up and all of this would turn out to be a really bad, sick dream. But this fracture in her soul felt like it would never go away, even if this was just only a figment of her unconscious mind.

It wasn’t just her. The defeat was spreading in the room like an airborne plague, carried by Minji’s voice, lingering within the crevices of their minds, bodies, and hearts.

And Minji, the patient-zero of it all… Minji’s once bright light was now only but a small spark, like a fire dwindling down without its kindling. It was a devastating sight, seeing all of Minji’s will and determination crushed down by the darkness left within her. Yoohyeon squeezed her eyes shut, not able to watch Minji be like this in front of her. It was a testament of Yoohyeon’s failure to protect her girlfriend—her family.

“Unnie…” Siyeon’s voice was tinged in pain when she finally spoke again after minutes of quietness enveloped the room, “Unnie, how did you think that something that would hurt you would be in any way good for us?”

Bora continued, not hiding the tears falling down her face. “Minji, we would rather fail 100 times rather than see you get hurt. Our success would mean nothing if it meant you suffering…”

Minji didn’t have any responses to them, as if she had spoken all the words in the world and now, she only had silence to offer them.

“Minji…” Yoohyeon called out weakly. She needed to know Minji was okay—somehow, someway.

Only a sniffle answered her.

And Yoohyeon gathered every single bit of power she had left in her to move closer to Minji, to wrap an arm around her waist, to pull Minji’s head towards her, to feel Minji’s pain leak out of her body in tears that burned against Yoohyeon’s neck.

Yoohyeon didn’t have words of comfort, all having been buried deep under the mountain of shit she heard in the last two days. But she held onto Minji, trying to transmit some sort of wordless message to her.

It wasn't okay. Minji wasn’t okay. None of them were going to be okay for a while.

Yoohyeon’s own chest shook with as sobs overtook her.

But they got each other. That's all they had in the world right now.

Yoohyeon tightened her hold on Minji, hugging her lover closer to her.

They would figure something out.

“No one is going to try to break you anymore,” Yoohyeon’s voice might have been broken, barely above a whisper, but her conviction wasn’t. “I won’t let them.”

They had to.

“Hello, Tae? … I need you to cancel this week’s music video shooting. Cancel our whole schedule … Dreamcat-cher—Dreamcatcher is on hiatus till further notice … It’s not up for discussion … No, you can’t talk to her … I am telling you … The CEO? He can burn in hell where he belongs for all I care. Cancel it all.”

Chapter Text

Things were a mess. From the moment Bora hung up the phone, a heaviness descended on the room. It was their decision as a group, even if Minji only nodded when it was her turn to vote.

“Unnie, we don’t wanna make a decision for you like this, but we can’t continue just like normal,” Siyeon had told the leader gently, trying to get the leader more on board with the decision that she already agreed to. Because they didn’t want Minji to feel like they were taking her choices away. Like others have.

But the tears welling up in Minji’s eyes, the way her shoulders dropped, and the endless silence made it clear that the leader felt defeated.

Siyeon didn’t know what to do next and by the looks of it none of them did. The bomb that was dropped on them was difficult to break down to parts that they could wrap their heads around, let alone defuse. Even Siyeon, who Minji had already talked to about the company knowing a bit before the others, was not expecting how far the CEO took things. It was almost unimaginable the amount of mistreatment that Minji had put up with that. Siyeon really wanted to ask her how she was that strong.

“Can we get out of here?” Yoohyeon suddenly stood up, as if suddenly claustrophobic. “Let’s go somewhere, anywhere. Just away from here.”

The suggestion gave them all something to immediately do, all of them gasping for freedom that they felt like they’ve been stripped of by proxy of their leader’s predicament.

Siyeon was packing some of their stuff from the bathroom into a duffel bag, no specific order on her mind other than necessities for all of them. She couldn’t stand being in this place right now. Everything related to the company felt tainted. Even their own home.

“We can go to my brother’s place. He had given me the keys for if I ever needed a place to get away since he’s overseas for a while,” Dami offered.

“We definitely need to get away right now. I don’t want to be somewhere the company has access to whenever they want,” what started as a simple ‘let’s go somewhere’ from Yoohyeon had been escalated by Siyeon, who now repeated her reasoning that has them all getting dressed and packing overnight bags, feeling like she had to justify her idea even though they already agreed to it. “But are we sure about not getting out of Seoul? I feel like the more distance we get from this place, the clearer we can all think and the safer Minji unnie is till we figure out what we’re going to do.”

Dami shook her head, “Yoohyeon said we should stay in the city in case unnie needed Hana seonsaeng-nim’s help. She didn’t want to take away that kind of support from her with how messy everything is right now.”

Siyeon nodded in understanding. “Where is Yoohyeon anyway?” she asked, not having seen the lead vocalist since they decided.

“She had something to do, she’ll meet us wherever we go.”

“Dami!” Siyeon was alarmed at the main rapper’s words. How did Yoohyeon slip out of the apartment without her noticing?

“She promised not to go to the company,” Dami quickly said.

But it didn’t comfort Siyeon. It was already taking all of her will power and Bora’s sharp looks to not go directly to the company and punch the CEO in the face. She can’t imagine what Yoohyeon must be feeling when this was about her relationship with Minji. “And you believed her?”

Dami frowned, “We can’t stop trusting each other now. Yoohyeon knows what’s at stake here, if she confronts the CEO then he’ll know that we know and we lose the upper hand. We already told Tae oppa to buy us some time before we have to explain. She’s not gonna be rash about this.”

Yoohyeon was rational, what Dami said makes sense. But there was also something so irrational about everything that happened that Siyeon worried about the members snapping.

Then there was the matter of Minji herself, the leader was quiet to a frightful degree, and it kept everything in Siyeon high strung. Just thinking of the amount of pain Minji has gone through made Siyeon’s stomach turn. Why did these people think it was okay to hurt her? Was Minji more vulnerable than the rest of them? Was it because they had her to protect them, but they didn’t do enough for her? No one would dare cross one of them because Minji could be downright scary, like a mama bear, when it came to them and their interests, but how did they not show that the reverse was also true?

The guilt was a bit too much for Siyeon to shoulder, but all the others were carrying their fair share too. Besides, it should have been her responsibility, Minji always trusted Siyeon with her safety; but Siyeon obviously had only managed to keep Minji safe from the demons in her head that came to her in moments of panic, but not the real monsters out there in the world who were just waiting for the chance to pounce on her.

“Then where could she have gone now when Minji needs all of us?” Siyeon asked, wrestling herself away from her thoughts to focus on the current situation.

“Unnie has the rest of us right now. Yooh wouldn’t have left if it wasn’t important. She needs some room to breathe too, this was a lot on all of us, but especially her.”

Such a mess.

——————————

Yoohyeon didn’t know how to feel. But Siyeon was on her the moment Yoohyeon walked into Dami’s brother’s house, before the lead vocalist could even take her backpack off, starting to question where she was. It wasn’t that Yoohyeon wasn’t going to tell her, but the lack of trust with Siyeon questioning if she went to the company, after Yoohyeon knew for sure that Dami had told her she didn’t, grated at her already singed nerves.

“Minji needs you and you decide this is the time to be out—”

“—It’s not like I was out having fun, unnie!” Yoohyeon snapped back defensively. “I needed to talk to Sunmi—”

“Sunmi?” then Siyeon looked at her in disbelief. “You don’t trust Minji unnie?”

“Well, she hasn’t exactly given me a lot of reason to think she wouldn’t try to hide the truth, did she?” It wasn’t even what Yoohyeon believed, she just needed the type of assurance that she knew only the veteran artist’s words would be able to give her.

Siyeon barked back, her face turning red, “That was different, and you know it. She told us the truth now.”

Yoohyeon blew out a breath in frustration, “And I wanted to hear it from Sunmi herself. I wasn’t going to rest easy not being 100% sure.”

“So much for trusting your girlfriend,” the word was like throwing a match on spilled gasoline. Yoohyeon could be petty and reply that Minji wasn’t her girlfriend anymore, but she knew that what they had was beyond simple labels right now. For all intents and purposes, they were something to each other.

“My relationship with Minji is none of your concern—”

“—Obviously it is since the whole group is now affected because you decided to kiss her in the middle of the company—” But the main vocalist seemed to realize that she made a mistake, her features freezing at her own words.

Words that fell like a slap on Yoohyeon’s face, then filled the room with Silence. Siyeon hit her right where it hurts.

And Yoohyeon was too angry at Siyeon for throwing what spiraled this whole thing at her like that. “Just because Minji and I were brave enough to act on our feelings doesn’t make it my fault you and Bora unnie didn’t—”

“HEY!” Bora’s voice suddenly rang out in the room, the main dancer walking in with hurried steps. “What the fuck do you two think you’re doing?”

The yelling startled Yoohyeon into realizing that she took it too far. Took a really complex, sensitive topic and weaponized it against her team member. Just like Siyeon did.

Both the main and lead vocalists stood facing each other breathing heavily, but neither could meet the others’ eyes.

Bora reprimanded, “Are you kidding me right now? As if we don’t have enough on our plate, you two decided to fight? It’s us against the world right now, not each other.”

But the anger was wrapping itself around Yoohyeon, constricting her brain from sending anything other than fight signals right now. Because running away wasn’t an option.

“Tell Siyeon that—”

“Both of you are out of line! Right now, we’re the ones who can hurt each other the most. Trust is already fragile enough as it is with everything that has happened with Minji. You can’t talk to each other like that.”

Yoohyeon rolled her eyes, “Surprise surprise, Kim Bora takes Lee Siyeon’s side.”

“Siyeon is wrong too,” Bora turned to the main vocalist, “Just because you take it as your personal responsibility to protect us, doesn’t mean you take it out on one of us when things feel like they’re out of your control,” Bora then turned back to Yoohyeon. “And you, stop picking a fight just because you can’t be angry at Minji,” Bora pointed out coolly.

This only served to break Yoohyeon further. “Then you tell me what am I supposed to do unnie? How can I be angry at her when she’s stuck in her head like this?” Yoohyeon felt like she was falling. “How can I fight trauma? What the hell am I supposed to do? I can’t help her with this and the only thing I could think of was to talk to Sunmi to get a more objective point of view that doesn’t make me want to tear my ears off, but Siyeon unnie thinks I’m off thinking Minji is lying—”

“Enough!” Bora said firmly, then added more gently, “You’re wrong Yoohyeon. You can help her. She just needs us here—needs you here. She has been all alone in this, and it’s time we show her that she’s not anymore. That we’re still here even if she told us her deepest darkest secrets and mistakes. That even when we’re angry, it’s because we love her. She needs to see that we’re not turning our backs on her like others have. And I understand you’re overwhelmed right now, and you feel awful because she didn’t talk to you or any of us so we couldn’t help her, but it doesn’t matter anymore, regrets will get us nowhere. What matters is the right now. You know the truth now. What are you going to do about it?”

Bora’s firm words took hold of the shackles that were tightening around Yoohyeon’s chest. She knew the truth. Yoohyeon’s muscles relaxed. Minji loved her. Loved her so much she was willing to turn her own life into a living hell just so that they could be together. Yoohyeon found herself breathing easier. And Yoohyeon loved Minji like she has never loved anything else in the world. That was the truth that mattered above all else.

Yoohyeon let out a shaky breath, dispelling the negative energy that had taken a hold of her. “I—We are gonna come up with a plan to get us all out of this situation.”

Bora smiled proudly, relieved. “There you are…”

Yoohyeon’s lips twitched into a small smile before she turned to Siyeon, guilt dripping off her words as she said, “I’m so sorry unnie.”

“Me too Yoohyeona, I didn’t mean what I said. It wasn’t your fault!” Siyeon quickly pulled Yoohyeon into a hug, and Yoohyeon felt the love the main vocalist held for her, the concern that drove her to this fight. “We’re all under a lot of stress right now. But unnie is right, we shouldn’t take it out on each other, not when there’s real fucked up people out there that deserve our anger much more.”

Bora added, “We just need to rely on each other to stay centered when the doubts get too much. No more fighting unless it’s together against those who hurt Minji, okay?”

Nodding, Yoohyeon pulled away, and looked at both older members. “Sunmi unnie did actually tell me somethings that could help. We should get everyone together—”

“You don’t wanna check on Minji first?” Siyeon asked but then raised her hands in front of her defensively, “Genuine question, not judging!”

“I—” Siyeon caught her there. “I’m sure one of the others is with her.”

“Try all three,” Bora amended. “But none of them are you Yoohyeona. Are you—are you avoiding Minji?”

Yoohyeon winced at being caught in the act, then sighed. “I just… I don’t know how to look at her.”

“Because you’re angry?”

Yoohyeon shook her head, “My anger is now all with that son of a bitch who has been blackmailing her and everyone else who thought it was okay to treat her like they knew better than her.”

“Then what is it?” Bora asked, words soft, a touch to her arm.

“I really failed her unnie,” Yoohyeon admitted. “I should have done better. She was my girlfriend; I should’ve been able to get her to open up. Maybe if I have, then things wouldn’t have gotten so messy, and she wouldn’t have gotten so hurt and suffered for months.”

Bora frowned, “Yoohyeona… there is nothing we could have done. Minji did everything in her power to keep this under wraps. She even lied to us… I can try to understand her reasoning, whatever fucked up way her brain tried to cope with everything. But we couldn’t have known the truth when she was that determined to keep it hidden.”

“She told me that there was nothing I would’ve done differently if I had known before… but I just can’t believe that. I want to believe that I could have gotten her out of this. The therapy, the company… If she doesn’t believe that I could’ve helped her before, then how will she believe that I can help her now? Can I even help her now?”

The feeling of helplessness was threatening to consume her whole. The situation was so much bigger than anything that Yoohyeon could’ve imagined. Minji’s wound was so much deeper than Yoohyeon could’ve imagined.

“I don’t think it’s a matter of her believing you couldn’t help Yoohyeona,” Siyeon said. “Minji always took her job as our leader very seriously and as simple as it sounds, I think she just didn’t want to burden us. She has been thinking that she chose herself and Dreamcatcher over you—”

Yoohyeon shook her head, “That’s complete bullshit, if she chose herself then she would’ve broken up with me from the very start instead of struggling so much to keep us together. When she broke up with me… she wasn’t relieved. She was cornered into making that choice, otherwise she wouldn’t have done it. It was clear in every word she was saying when she broke up with me, I just couldn’t see what was pushing her to that point.”

“Do you want to get back together?” Bora asked bluntly.

“I can’t think about this right now,” Yoohyeon pushed her hair out of her face, her heart aching at her separation from Minji. “I love Minji. So so much. But right now, I don’t want her to worry about our relationship on top of everything else.”

Siyeon’s words were very careful when she said, “But Yoohyeona… I think she is already worried about it. Not the direct label, but whether she has lost you for good.”

Yoohyeon frowned, “But I already told her there is no losing me. And when she told me that she wants to work on us, I told her I would like that very much. And that’s why she pushed herself so much to talk to us.”

“That was before she told you part of the truth and you found out the rest,” Bora pointed out. “I think she might need this reassurance again now that you know everything.”

Yoohyeon paused. She had gone straight to Sunmi because she needed a final confirmation that the mega idol hadn’t hurt Minji. Siyeon wasn’t exactly wrong, the trust between them had taken a huge hit with all this secrecy. Having heard Sunmi’s side of the story, Yoohyeon then went straight into problem-solving mode since having Sunmi with all her experience in the industry would be invaluable.

She did that with the knowledge that the members would be taking care of Minji, but she forgot that they weren’t all interchangeable, that Minji might need her specifically. That even if Yoohyeon was filled with uncertainty and confusion, Minji needed to know that it wasn’t about her love for her. Yoohyeon loved Minji and hearing about the lengths that Minji had gone to, to keep them together, only strengthened that.

————————————

There was no logic. And the more Dami sat with her thoughts in her head, the less she knew how to think logically about what was happening. Their leader was hurt, badly, by people they all trusted.

And Minji’s pain was overwhelming, and all Dami wanted to do was sit in silence alone and think, but it was impossible to get herself to leave Minji’s side. She wasn’t doing much for the leader, and really it would be better if she started thinking of how to get Minji and all of them out of this situation, at least that would be useful, but instead here she was sitting at the end of the bed, hand on Minji’s leg, as if willing the contact to transmit the silent support to Minji, who hadn’t stopped crying since they arrived.

It came in waves, Minji sobbing then her tears dying down to sniffles and whimpers, only for the sobbing to start again. Handong and Gahyeon were sandwiching the leader between them, love almost palpable in the bubble they tried to keep Minji in. But she could see that they were also getting desperate.

It got worse with Bora’s departure from the room, but someone needed to stop the argument in the living room which was seeping into the room and doubling Minji’s tears.

“Unnie…” Gahyeon called out in a watery voice. Their maknae was sensitive and easy to tears generally, but this situation was affecting even the more logical members. “Please talk to us, what hurts?”

It may have been an odd question, but the answer they didn’t get was even worse. Whatever was plaguing Minji right now, she couldn’t vocalize it in a way other than crying. And by God, the leader must have kept so much inside because the tears were still not stopping.

Dami hated this, hated seeing a member hurting so much and feeling so useless in the face of it because she didn’t know how to help without direct actions. If Minji would just talk, Dami would listen.

“Unnie, we’re going to help you,” Dami promised. “No one is going to hurt you anymore.”

But somehow this was the wrong thing to say because the words hit the leader hard.

She looked up at Handong apologetic for making things worse, but the Chinese member only shook her head to reassure her that she didn’t do anything wrong. It seemed like it wasn’t just Dami who felt out of her depth here. No wonder Siyeon chose to stress over Yoohyeon’s absence instead, the main vocalist must’ve needed the distraction or just really believed that Yoohyeon was the only one who could comfort the leader.

“Unnie, you’re gonna make yourself sick like this,” Handong tried.

“I—I can’t… stop...”

They finally heard Minji’s voice, but it was no relief, only served to highlight how broken the leader felt—No, not broken. Dami right away corrected in her mind, Minji has survived all this without breaking, now it was their job to make sure she could handle everything being out in the open. Dami didn’t even think it was just about them knowing, but that it was also because Minji finally pulled out the knives that she had pushed deep down and was confronted with the major bleeding of her reality, when before she had been running around and managing to keep the injuries under control.

But there was one thing that hit Minji harder than everything else. Something Siyeon already tried to stress, and Dami wanted to do again now.

“You’re not gonna lose us,” Dami suddenly voiced her thought and Minji’s breath caught. “We won’t know what you’re thinking if you don’t tell us, but ever since that phone call with Tae oppa… You’re not the only one scared about the future, but we know something that it seems like you don’t unnie.”

Minji lifted her head up a bit from Handong’s chest to see the main rapper. Minji was listening.

“We are not just Dreamcatcher… us together, it’s so much more than that. It feels like Dreamcatcher is ending right now, but none of us are as distraught about this because we know that our bond transcends just being work colleagues in a Kpop group. If it has to be that Dreamcatcher’s journey ends, it doesn’t mean that ours does. You don’t just let go of your family, unnie. We’re not letting go of you.”

“You’ll hate me. Maybe not right now, but in the future,” Minji spoke, her eyes stuck in that place that was so clear in her mind where this was a reality.

“We’re not letting go of you.”

“I’m ending everyone’s careers.”

“We’re not letting go of you.”

Dami’s repeated words were falling on Minji’s chest, the leader curling up on herself, but Handong and Gahyeon adjusted like water around her, still touching her, following her wherever her mind wanted to take her.

Gahyeon hugged Minji tighter from her place at her back, “There is no hating you unnie, not now, not ever.”

“I’m ending D-Dreamcatcher.”

Handong’s hands cupped Minji’s jaw, “You’re not doing anything, if it happens then it’s all of our choice.”

“You don’t have a choice; you’ll do it for me.”

Dami tightened her hold on Minji’s leg, “It’s our choice. Because we love you. Because we don’t want to work with people who would treat you like this. And don’t forget unnie, if it happened to you, it could happen to any of us. And you wouldn’t accept that, would you? If it were Yoohyeon in your shoes—”

“—Don’t…” Minji interrupted desperately.

Dami tilted her head at why the leader didn’t want to listen to this. Dami pushed forward, “If it were Yoohyeon, wouldn’t you do everything in your power to get her out?”

There was a couple of beats of silence, but Dami held her eyes on Minji, not letting go of the tension so that Minji would have to confront this scenario. Neither Handong nor Gahyeon tried to alleviate it either.

“She was the one he threatened to fire,” Minji’s words filled the air. “I said I would quit.”

Dami softened, remembering now that her question wasn’t just a hypothetical for Minji.

“Then how is this different from us wanting to quit, unnie?”

Minji squeezed her eyes shut, “If I had said something from the start then it wouldn’t have reached a point where quitting is the solution. If I had told Yoohyeon that evening right away, then things wouldn’t have escalated so much…”

Handong frowned, “Or he would’ve made both of your lives hell, and if we stood up for him, then ours too. We can’t predict what would have happened unnie, we don’t know what he was thinking, if this was a plan he had from the start or if finding out about you and Yoohyeon was just an opportunity that presented itself for him. We all thought we knew the CEO, but obviously we were very wrong.”

“And unnie… you wanted to tell Yoohyeon unnie, it’s just with what happened when you talked to your parents…” Gahyeon pointed out. “We don’t blame you for being in shock those days and then things just progressed too quickly for you to get a hold on them.”

“You were led to believe that you were in a safe space, unnie, and then your words were used against you. That had affected the way you think and how you handle things, then you experienced something traumatic, and the CEO helped you, gaining your trust again and making you feel like you could rely on the company, only to betray you. We wish you could have talked to us, unnie. But you couldn’t. And we don’t blame you for this.”

Their words seemed to finally be getting through to Minji a bit, her tears drying out as she processed what she heard.

“I don’t see a way out…” Minji confessed.

The atmosphere became heavy in the room. The truth was none of them could right now. It was easy to throw the word quitting around, but reality was they were under a contract.

A movement at the door caught Dami’s eye and she almost sighed in relief seeing Yoohyeon in the door frame, obviously having been listening to the conversation if her down-turned expression was any indication. They needed to do things step by step, and the first thing was to calm Minji down and get her on the same page as them without all this guilt in the way. Now more than ever, they needed to be a united front. Everything else would come after.

—————————————————

She could hardly catch her breath. Minji’s mind kept whirring from one thought to the next, as soon as she finished arguing with her own head about one thing it was like a baton passed on to the next and she was exhausted from the never-ending chase.

Gahyeon, Handong, and Dami were moving away from her and Minji wanted to cry at the loss of warmth in her body and soul, but she wasn’t left bare for long. The rich smell of sandalwood surrounding her was an immediate balm on every part of her that was hurting.

Yoohyeon.

Minji opened her eyes to see that the lead vocalist had taken Handong’s place in front of her, the rest of the members gone. Yoohyeon’s face was pinched in concern, fingers caressing Minji’s cheek to wipe away at the imprinted tear tracks.

“We’ll find a way,” Yoohyeon said softly, assurance hugging around Minji.

Minji almost didn’t know what Yoohyeon was talking about till she remembered the last thing she said.

“Together,” Yoohyeon continued. “I’m sorry to tell you this Minji, but you’re stuck with us for life,” Yoohyeon’s eyes bore into hers. “And you’re stuck with me for far beyond that.”

Minji’s heart skipped a beat at the words. She knew what Yoohyeon meant. But did she deserve that salvation?

“I don’t d-deserve your forgiveness,” Minji gave a sad smile, resigned to the fact that Yoohyeon would realize this sooner or later.

But Yoohyeon took Minji’s hands and placed it on her heart, “You don’t get to decide that. And there is nothing to forgive. You didn’t talk to me, but you had your reasons. And I will do my best to understand them, to understand you and your pain, to understand how far down you have been trapped. I’m not saying that it’s going to be easy, or that it won’t take me some time to wrap my head around everything, or that I—or really both of us—won’t get frustrated at times. It’ll take some time for us to build trust between us again. But I want to see you to the other side of this; free and happy.”

Yoohyeon’s words hurt in how they cut open the festering wound in her heart. But that was the first step to treat it.

“Yooh—”

“I’m not a person who would hold things against you,” Yoohyeon didn’t let her speak, because she read her mind. “What we have between us is much bigger than you feeling like you need to make it up to me or that you owe me something.”

Much purer than anything else that happened in Minji’s life. Yoohyeon was digging into all the places were Minji’s demons were burrowed, pulling them at the root of the infection.

“If it’s my forgiveness you need to stand up, then you have it; totally and unconditionally,” Yoohyeon declared.

Words flowing like warm water, clearing all the debris away.

Yoohyeon smiled lovingly, “I love you, and at this point I think I can confidently say nothing could ever change that.”

“I hurt you…” Minji finally said. It would be so easy to dive in the pool of Yoohyeon’s generosity, but Minji needed to watch out for her too.

“You did,” but Yoohyeon’s expression didn’t change. “A lot of it was collateral damage from what was happening to you. I wouldn’t be letting you back in like this if I didn’t know that you never meant to hurt me. That when you did, it hurt you so much. Every word you said… I wish I knew what they meant back then, maybe I could’ve spared us both some pain. The only thing…” Yoohyeon’s expression faltered. “The only thing that is stuck with me now is that at some point you gave up on us. You stopped talking to me completely. I always thought… I always had confidence from the start of our relationship that if we didn’t work out that we would still be friends. And when we broke up, we still were and I was so relieved. But when things changed that night after you talked to Joowon… that hurt me more than anything,” Yoohyeon pulled at Minji’s hand on her chest, trying to get her to feel her pain.

“I am so sorry, Hyeon,” was all Minji could say. Yoohyeon knew her reasoning, Minji didn’t need to repeat them.

The air was so still between them.

“I know you are. And I know why you did it, that you couldn’t stand yourself and the guilt and shame were locking you up away from me. I wish you had just taken some time to clear your head…” Yoohyeon scoffed at herself. “That sounds so stupid. I-I don’t know, I just wish that you hadn’t shut me out of your life like that, that you went about things in a different way. Because now I’m just left wondering, what if you hadn’t walked in on Chanyeol kissing me? Would we have still not been talking to this day? Forever?”

Minji’s heart ached at the thought. “I don’t know… I wish I could tell you that I would’ve gotten my shit together at some point, but the road I was headed down…”

Yoohyeon tilted her head worriedly, “Where was it taking you?”

Minji hesitated, unable to vocalize the dark place her world was becoming. “Just… nowhere good.”

Yoohyeon contemplated her words for a few seconds before she carefully said, “Hana changed your anti-depressants. To stronger ones.”

Minji hummed.

Yoohyeon’s hold on her hand tightened. “Minji, if… if you’re ever in a place… that’s so dark that you get scared,” every word was measured. “Promise that you will come to one of us. No explanation, or anything needed. Just come to us—come to me and I’ll hold your hand so that you’re not alone with these thoughts anymore.”

It was heavy. The topic. The request. Her heart.

Yoohyeon’s heart below her hand was threatening to beat out of her chest. “Pl-Please… I need you to promise me this. Everything else we can figure out, but we can’t l-lose you…”

Minji felt how Yoohyeon’s body trembled at the dark thoughts that entered her mind, and Minji couldn’t drag Yoohyeon down with her like this, not when she was trying to rescue Minji from drowning.

Minji nodded.

“Promise?”

“I promise,” Minji willed herself to say it and mean it. It was a promise she made them all make to her when things were looking so bleak after the Minx disbandment and extended it to the new members when times got so tough for Dreamcatcher at one point. It was only fair she finally promised this to them as well.

Relief was evident on Yoohyeon’s body, her heart finally starting to slow down to its comforting rhythm again.

“Thank you,” Yoohyeon said and kissed Minji’s forehead.

It was the final step, like a soothing gel on the now clean wound.

“Thank you,” Minji emphasized. Words weren’t enough to encompass how grateful Minji was. How Yoohyeon injected life into Minji again.

Yoohyeon smiled gently, beautifully. “How are you feeling?”

“Better,” and Minji meant it. The others had made sure to not let go of Minji, but Yoohyeon hoisted her out of that pit of despair her racing thoughts had buried her in.

“Good,” Yoohyeon beamed at her and Minji was mesmerized at the sight. Just earlier she thought she would never see Yoohyeon smile at her again, let alone smile so widely that it was like the sun shining on Minji’s entire world. “Let’s go to the others and order some food, you haven’t eaten anything in a couple of days now. Bora unnie is keeping track if you’re wondering.”

As if on command, her stomach growled and Minji blushed as Yoohyeon giggled. Minji had definitely forgotten about normal human needs with the mess that has been her mind and confessions of the last few days.

Minji felt weak and shaky on her feet as she stood up, but Yoohyeon’s arm around her waist kept her stable. Body and mind.

Before they exited the room, Yoohyeon turned to her. “Everything is going to be okay. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. But one day.”

And that was the thought in her mind as she went out and greeted the others who were so relieved to see her as if they hadn’t been constantly by her side.

Everything was going to be okay.

Chapter Text

It was only natural that after they were full of the late dinner, spreading between the couch and the carpeted floor of Dami’s brother’s house, that their minds began to wander again to their predicament.

“What are we gonna do?” Gahyeon was the first to voice the question out loud.

Sighs echoed in the room at the question and Minji had to resist the urge to curl on herself again. The question was so big, and she has been feeling so small.

“I think we need to see a lawyer to figure out our options,” Yoohyeon spoke. “I talked to Sunmi, and she had one that she highly recommended. She handled Sunmi’s contracts when she was switching from JYP to her current company and Sunmi is very happy with how smoothly everything went.”

Minji frowned, “You talked to Sunmi?”

Why?

Clearing her throat, Yoohyeon looked a bit apologetic. “I just… I needed to hear things from her perspective, and I wanted to talk to someone who had an idea on what we should do next. Sunmi has been in this industry for so long, she knows a lot more than we do…”

Minji hummed, but her eyes were downcast. Did Yoohyeon think she was still hiding things? The trust between them was something they would need to build back up brick by brick. Minji brought them to this place.

“Minji…”

“It’s fine,” Minji tried to reassure Yoohyeon with a small smile, despite the part of her that was a bit hurt. She didn’t have the right to be. “Sunmi has tried to help me a lot. From when I first told her, she always tried to get me to talk to you guys, and at some point, she started suggesting a lawyer when things were getting worse. I’m sure she’s relieved now.”

Yoohyeon watched her for a few seconds, trying to read her sincerity. “She is. And she wants to keep helping. Whatever we need, she said.”

“But what do we even need?” Handong questioned. “Even if we go to a lawyer, it has to be with something in mind.”

“We told Tae that Dreamcatcher is on hiatus, and he’ll delay as much as he can, but it’s only a matter of time till the company realizes that we are not going to film the music video and for them to come down on us,” Bora said.

“We’re not working for the company if Joowon is the CEO,” Siyeon declared.

“So we want to leave,” Dami concluded.

Minji watched as everyone gave hesitant, resigned nods, and had to try to hold on to their words to her earlier as her heart broke at the thought of Dreamcatcher no more. It was their choice. It’s what she would want to do for any of them.

“Minji?” Bora called out. “Are you fine with that?”

Scoffing, Minji replied. “Are you really asking me if I’m fine with disbanding Dreamcatcher?” her voice wavered.

Bora frowned. “Not disbanding. I am asking if you’re fine with Dreamcatcher leaving Dreamcatcher Company.”

“What’s the difference?”

Handong was soft in her response, not hint of impatience, “The difference is that we are still together unnie. If we’re out, we can sign with another company.”

“We can ask the lawyers about the copyrights and keeping our name,” Gahyeon added.

“Start over… again?” tiredness seeped into Minji’s question.

Yoohyeon grabbed her hand, “Minji… do you still want to do this? Be an idol?”

She knew where Yoohyeon’s question was coming from, their conversation about what happened when Minji admitted that the part of her that loved what they did was gone. Did she have the will to do that again? It was such a difficult question. It had been Minji’s dream for as long she could remember. But it has also become Minji’s nightmare the last few months and it had drained her for everything she was worth.

“Honestly? I don’t know… I don’t know if I have it in me anymore. Maybe as we were, I could’ve tried to push myself, let muscle memory take over. But it was already hard enough imagining going through another comeback. I… I was actually relieved when I wrote my letter of resignation even if it was just as a threat. And I told Hana that… I wish I didn’t have to do this anymore…” Minji decided to be honest, there was no point of hiding her feelings anymore.

Her answer earned a few sharp inhales, eyes squeezed shut, tears welling up. She was breaking their heart.

“Then it doesn’t matter if Dreamcatcher is together or not,” Bora’s words were careless and Minji had to look away at the pain they brought.

“Unnie…” Siyeon sighed, but her voice thick.

“I’m just saying, then our priority remains getting out of the company. Dreamcatcher… is all of us together. If Minji doesn’t want to even be an idol anymore…”

Minji was sick of crying, but her tears seemed to stem from a bottomless well, “Doesn’t mean I want to be apart from you guys. I just… everything that I loved to do has been tainted. I can’t sing without getting anxious, I can’t even think of performing without remembering everything I was asked to do. I had pushed to do the comeback, but I have no idea how I would’ve gone through with the promotions after I found out that all I’ve been through was just about money. I couldn’t stop crying at work…”

Bora softened at Minji’s words, moving behind her and putting her hands on Minji’s shoulder in support. Minji leaned into her tough, craving an ounce of Bora’s strength.

“Unnie,” Gahyeon called out. “I think you really need a nice, long break, away from this city and this life before you decide anything about what’s to come next.”

Siyeon seemed to brighten at the suggestion, “Remember the trip we took to Jeju after Minx… when we were trying to decide if we wanted to try the whole Dreamcatcher thing? I didn’t want to sing anymore back then either.”

Siyeon was not singing, and Bora was burning herself out with non-stop dancing. Yoohyeon and Dami were the only ones young enough in this industry to start from scratch, but Yoohyeon had lost her confidence, her voice faltering every time she tried to hit a high note. And Dami, their maknae back then, had withdrawn into herself, so Minji couldn't tell for sure what Dami wanted to do, but the half-filled college applications on her desk had given Minji a clue.

“Then you borrowed money to rent us this little house on the beach, and we spent 2 days not thinking about anything, just trying to enjoy the vacation and our time together then on the third day you made a whole pitch for Dreamcatcher.”

Minji had spent days and days researching, listening to every female-led group with rock elements that she could find, watching live performances, reading official reviews and fan comments, even when it was mostly in English or Japanese, trying to gather all the information she lacked to present a convincing case as their leader. Minji was not willing to part with the girls that had become so integral in her life, especially knowing that if they were truly over, none of the girls would want to continue doing music.

That night, the former-Minx members had sat in solemn silence, only broken after what seemed like hours later by Siyeon's teary confession, “I don’t think I can do this anymore.”

Bora had hugged the younger member, letting Siyeon bury her face in the crook of Bora's neck, feeling the hot tears of anguish against her skin. The main dancer’s own tears escaped her eyes in shared pain. The younger members didn’t say anything, but Yoohyeon’s chest had shook with silent sobs with Dami’s comforting hand on her back, trying to be stoic and strong. Bora had finally turned to the leader, probably expecting a similar scene but Minji’s face was set in resolution as she watched them, a hand firmly grasping the laptop next to her.

Performing as a girl group with a rock concept was so foreign to them, so far from everything they have spent years training for. The thought of having to re-learn, re-train, reset their group so that maybe on the off chance they find success in a niche genre … it was a challenge Minji was sure they were up to.

“If by the end of this, you guys don’t want, then it’s the decision we’ll give management tomorrow,” Minji had said, a tremor in her voice that was gone in the next sentence. “But I need you to listen to me first.”

Bora would spend the years after their first fan anniversary clowning Minji for what could only be described as a presentation that she had given, a culmination of all her research, ending with the demo of their debut song that would get Siyeon, the last one to voice her thoughts on Minji's argument, to sob as she pressed the replay button, and nod. And Dreamcatcher was born.

“Unnie, let’s talk to the lawyer, leave the company,” Siyeon proposed. “And after, we all take a vacation together. Away from everything. And only then you decide what you want to do.”

Handong nodded, “Because we know you loved this unnie. Loved our life, performing, being in a group, our fans, our songs.”

“And nothing even has to be right away, we can take an actual hiatus and recharge, god knows we all need it,” Dami said.

“I would love it if we all stayed together as a group unnie,” Gahyeon said with a low voice. “But sooner or later we would have had to figure out other plans. We wouldn’t survive in this industry without changing anything. Even if we had renewed our contracts with the company, it would’ve been for just 3 more years. We need long-term plans. We all need to figure out what we want to do.”

Yoohyeon hadn’t said anything so far, just held Minji’s hand between her own, head resting on Minji’s shoulder. Minji’s chest was aching, with something gripping on her throat, threatening to choke her. These girls were her entire world. How did she lead them down such an uncertain path? She broke her promise to herself.

“Let’s try to get out of this place, Minji,” Bora urged. “Then we can figure out what’s next. If you decide you don’t want to be an idol anymore, we’ll respect that. It won’t change anything with our group, we’ll always be together even if we’re not standing on the same stage anymore.”

“Even if we’re no longer on the same path…” Handong tried to assure, but even her words were coming out shaky. “We—We still love each other. We’re still a family. That’s unbreakable.”

Dami hugged Handong then, and the room was filled with the sounds of sniffles and breaking hearts.

She felt the heat from Yoohyeon’s tears staining through her shirt, and Minji released her hand from Yoohyeon’s to wrap it around the girl’s waist, holding her close enough to share the pain. A pain that was so familiar, so nostalgic that Minji could recite it from her already marked heart. How did they get here again?

The tears were no longer confined to Minji’s eyes anymore as she nodded in agreement. But she had to hold on to their faith. Even if she had troubles believing, she had to trust that they knew what they were talking about. Felt it deep in the part of her heart that was for the 6 of them, away from everything the world had thrown at her; protected and so very cherished. This was her family, and they weren’t going to let go of each other.

—————————————————————

Shin Eunji’s presence was commanding and Minji couldn’t help but be intimidated by the lawyer that Sunmi recommended, a rising partner in a small law firm that specialized in contract law. Just what the 7 members seated around the conference room table needed at this moment.

“I’m going to be honest with you,” Eunji said as she reviewed a sheet she was holding. “This isn’t going to be easy. If we only look at your contracts under normal circumstances, which are severely outdated compared to today’s standards if I may add, then to terminate, you not only have to pay this exorbitant termination fee, but also a compensation for cost and lost revenue. Now Gahyeon-ssi was kind enough to provide me with extensive documentation on your last comeback, and and I’m afraid this doesn’t look good. If it were identical to it, then that’s 400 million won for cost alone.

“It’s good that you already informed your manager to put a stop to the music video shooting because then associated costs for that would be reduced, but since you were scheduled to film this week, a lot of the people working on it would have already been contracted and need to be paid; and I doubt your company would try to figure out a way to utilize emergency cancellation clauses. For lost revenue, it’s impossible to calculate with what I have right now because from what you explained to me there was a massive rise in popularity since the last comeback. Only your company would know the projections for this album.”

That was what they all feared. The CEO’s threat wasn’t empty. They couldn’t afford to quit.

“If you would proceed with this album and its promotions, then you would massively reduce this cost and lost revenue compensation, as long as your company doesn’t announce something else that would again need to be paid for.”

Siyeon shook her head, “That’s not an option, byeonhosa-nim. We can’t continue in the company like nothing happened and just hand the CEO the profit he’s made Minji unnie’s life hell for.”

Eunji smiled, “I agree. These are not ordinary circumstances. And that’s why my associate, Oh Kwan, is here today. She’s a civil law attorney who I’ve asked to join forces with me to handle your case, and specifically, Minji-ssi’s.”

Minji gulped as the short-haired, tall woman in a crisp grey suit turned to her. Yoohyeon’s hand grabbed hers under the table at sensing her nervousness and Minji clamped on the offered lifeline.

“Minji-ssi,” Oh Kwan addressed her. “First of all, I would like to say that I am very sorry for what you had to go through these last few months. Your employer has abused his power to tremendous extent, and I’m going to do my best to bring justice to you.”

With a shaking leg, Minji replied. “Thank you, but I thought… I thought we could deal with ending the contracts without needing to press charges against the CEO.”

The two lawyers shared a look, and Eunji cleared her throat. “That’s why I presented to you the situation first. Without taking any action against the CEO, unless the group can afford to pay for the compensation, and each of you individually the termination fee, you would have to ride out the remaining months of your contract and everything that would entail. Once your company finds out you don’t want to renew your contracts, they will push to squeeze every last drop of money. Multiple comebacks, tours, public appearances, commercials, you name it. They will burn you out before letting you go.”

Oh Kwan added, “Even if you can afford it, I would strongly recommend that you take the civil action route, not only would you save your hard-earned money, but you would be entitled for compensation, and more importantly, justice. Minji-ssi, your case… once it’s brought to court, it won’t even remain as civil lawsuit, but the authorities might want to bring in criminal charges against your CEO as well.”

It was escalating too much. She didn’t want a lawsuit, especially a criminal one. She just wanted a quiet, peaceful exit.

“What would you need to do if we sue?” Bora asked.

“We would file injunctions for all of you to suspend your contracts immediately based on loss of trust with the company, then we proceed for a full trial to terminate your contracts. But your company will fight this injunction hard to get the case dismissed before it even starts,” Eunji explained.

Then Kwan took over, “And this is where Minji-ssi’s case would come into play, because in the same lawsuit we would be saying the loss of trust is because of the mistreatment that she suffered; discrimination and retaliation based on sexual orientation, emotional distress, and the biggest ones which could bring in the criminal charges: blackmailing, and sexual harassment and coercion. While discrimination based on sexual orientation is not explicitly prohibited under the law, blackmailing and sexual harassment are crimes and we can notify the district attorney of them.”

What happened to her being listed in such harsh terms sent a shiver down her spine. It hadn’t seemed so bad before. It was bad for her, but she didn’t think it was so… grand. In her head it was always just that she needed to do what the CEO asked of her to keep her relationship with Yoohyeon. That she had messed up and needed to make things right. When did it escalate to criminal offenses? Even when Hana told it to her, Minji thought Hana was slightly exaggerating, the therapist was after all biased as her job was to help Minji.

She imagined the lawyers must be thinking she was an idiot for putting up with this for so long. For not wanting to do anything about it now. But they weren’t idols. They didn’t understand that her reputation could make or break her entire career, regardless of her talents. That people liked mental shortcuts, ‘Oh Jiu? Isn’t that the idol that was being harassed?’, it wouldn’t ever again be ‘Oh Jiu? Isn’t that the Dreamcatcher leader? Lead vocalist? Lead dancer?’.

Minji found herself breathless at the long, complicated, and very public affair that would be ahead of her.

“I don’t have proof, byeonhosa-nim… it’s going to be my word against him and the whole company backing him up. He’ll make sure to destroy my reputation in court and in the news,” Minji said with a hint of panic seeping in her words. Even if she wanted to do this, how would she ever prove that anything happened to her?

“That might be true, but your word carries its weight as well Minji-ssi, so would all the witness testimonies of your group members, your managers, Sunmi-ssi,” the civil lawyer explained.

Yoohyeon reminded, “And you have that text message from Joowon after the gala. That has to count for something.”

“Written communication is excellent proof,” Kwan confirmed. “Medical records and psychological evaluations will be impertinent for the emotional distress suit.”

“I have been seeing a therapist regularly,” Minji said. Emotional distress was an understatement to how much her mental health has suffered. The days she had no solid recollection of, only a vague feeling of her life moving on without her, were clear in their absence in her memory.

“Then their testimony would also be proof. Anything you can provide or remember, anyone who saw or heard any of your meetings with the CEO can help.”

Minji did have one more thing that could help thanks to Sunmi and Hana’s advice for her to keep herself safe. “I have… I have a voice recording of the last meeting I had with the CEO.”

The members turned to her stunned. After the breakup, Sunmi had pushed Minji to start documenting anything that happened in case this day came and Minji had begrudgingly done it but was now glad for Sunmi’s insight. She had forgotten about that recording considering what happened at the meeting, but she had been so angry at the CEO that she had made sure it was saved.

Minji continued, “I don’t know how much help it would be… he’s always so careful with his words. And it might put me in a worse light…”

Siyeon objected right away, “Whatever you said it was to defend yourself.”

Kwan hummed, “It’s a bit tricky with recordings, because generally unauthorized recording is illegal and so the evidence might be inadmissible in court, except in the case of someone committing a crime. It will definitely not hurt to have, and I can judge better after I hear it whether it will help or make things worse. The important thing to remember is that in this kind of civil law suit, we don’t have to provide definitive proof, we just have to show that it is more likely than not that the accusations we’re bringing are true.

“For the criminal case that would be different, but the investigative power of the DA’s office far supersedes ours. Once the police is brought in, the company is going to have a very different stance and will want to distance themselves from the CEO, which means they will want to cooperate with the detectives because they can bring in search warrants for CCTV recordings, documents, phone and email records, bank statements, they can summon current and former employees. It will be an actual full investigation if the DA takes on the case.”

The mention of a police investigation again scared Minji. Not just in its magnitude, but she also worried about the outcome. What if the police couldn’t find proof either? What does that leave her as? A liar?

It looked like the lawyers noticed Minji’s distress because Kwan then added. “We’ll take this one step at a time. Let’s focus on the civil action suit, gather what we can for that, and go to court as soon as possible for these injunctions with Eunji-ssi. The sooner we stop your work at the company, and the less time we give the CEO to prepare or retaliate, the better,” then the lawyer looked apologetic. “But this means Minji-ssi, I’m going to be asking you some tough questions, but please remember I am on your side here. I’ll just be trying to collect as much information and possible evidence to support your case here. I need to know everything in order to represent you best. You might know more than you think, and so I would ask for your trust in this process.”

“The one thing in our favor is that there is already precedence for cases where idols terminated their contracts due to lack of trust in their companies, so that should make things a bit easier for us,” Eunji said.

“One last thing, I understand privacy is of utmost concern here, and we’ll do our best to keep the trials private,” Kwan brought up the topic that worried all of them. “We’ll argue that it’s sensitive information since you’re an idol and it’s necessary for your protection; but to be honest, this will be up to the court, and it will also depend on your CEO’s legal team’s strategy whether they will support the call for private trial or if they will go the aggressive exposure route. We’ll be prepared to handle it either way, but that also mean you need to be ready for the possibility that if we proceed with this, it might end up being public.”

The lawyers had given the group some privacy to discuss things before making a decision. It took a couple of minutes of silence, everyone processing in their own head everything they heard.

Siyeon and Yoohyeon tried their best to keep Minji calm. She was getting so overwhelmed by everything that would be required of her. All the invasive questions. How much she would have to reveal to total strangers. The fans’ reaction. The general public’s reaction. A twinge in her chest reminded her of the ever-present shadow of anxiety in her life. Minji didn’t know if she was mentally and emotionally capable of handling all this.

“Would going public be such a bad thing?” Gahyeon wondered out loud.

“The fans would support us and you, unnie,” Handong said. “They can exert a lot of pressure on the company by not financially supporting anymore.”

Bora seemed to be on the more conservative side of the issue, “And then the people online and the public would eat us alive. We’re still in Korea.”

“Everyone would know that I am…” Minji trailed off and squeezed her eyes at her inability to say the word anymore. She did not come out of this experience unscathed.

Siyeon’s hand came to her back, but Yoohyeon’s were on her face, getting her attention.

“There is absolutely nothing for you to be ashamed of,” Yoohyeon said. “I’m not trying to minimize your concern. I’m just telling you, despite our country not having great strides in this, and what the CEO or your parents think, there is nothing wrong with being gay.”

The members nodded empathetically in agreement.

Minji wished it was easy to believe her, but the tendrils of the therapy still pinned Minji down and years of societal conditioning made sure she couldn’t get up. And even more confusing, it conflicted with her own beliefs because she 100% agreed with what Yoohyeon said. It would be the same words she would tell any other person; it was words she had told Siyeon when the main vocalist first came out to her, full of doubts and fears. But she now struggled to offer that kindness to herself. After years of having come to terms with having romantic feelings for women, and later accepting her love for Yoohyeon, now it all fell through the cracks and brought her back to that place where she was a teenager realizing for the first time, she was having a crush on a girl and her life feeling like it was about to change forever.

But still, loving Yoohyeon never felt wrong. That transcended labels, and parental rejections, and judgments, and blackmailing, and even aversion therapy that tried to associate that love with pain. It has survived through the trials of hell, and that had to mean something.

Minji pressed a smile at Yoohyeon’s words of assurance. “Loving you is like breathing,” as natural, as necessary, as completely unconscious. “But I don’t know if I’m ready to share it with the rest of the world.”

Yoohyeon softened at Minji’s words, caressed her cheeks with tenderness in every swipe of her thumb.

“If we can’t accept things going public…” Dami said. “Then we can’t go through with this.”

And that was the issue.

“And then what? We’re stuck in the company for ten months? I might actually commit a crime if we have to work with Jowoon,” Siyeon said.

 “There is another option,” Gahyeon spoke. “You know I was gathering all the documents for our finances to give to the lawyer… If we pool all our money together, we can get 3 of us out. It would have been 4 if Minji unnie’s contract wasn’t adjusted and the percentages skewed so much towards the company.”

Her words shocked everyone. The details that Minji hadn’t mentioned so far considering there were other things that were much bigger to inform the members of.

“Your contract was changed?” Bora asked Minji.

“He didn’t give me a choice…” Minji explained. “I had to sign the amendment, no more credits or royalties from work I’ve done like the songs I wrote or helped produce… it all belongs to the company. I wouldn’t let him touch the group contract, but I had to shoulder a lot more of the cost for my solo schedules.”

Dami frowned, “So your very high budget special clip…”

Minji nodded resigned, “It came from my money. I earned nothing from that special clip.”

“If it weren’t for the massive ADs revenue, you would have been in debt unnie,” Gahyeon clarified. “You were also paying for all the costs associated with the magazine shoots and show appearances. The clothes were sponsored most of the time, but the pay of everyone involved from the drivers picking you up to the makeup artists came out of your money.”

Siyeon shook her head in disbelief, “Great, just fucking great. So even when she was doing things she didn’t want to do and supposedly earning a lot of money, she got none of it?”

“She did get some of it, but only because she was making so much though. Just most of it went directly to the company,” Gahyeon added.

“Is that even legal?” Handong questioned, obviously vexed at this issue.

Minji shrugged, the money was hardly a concern at the time in comparison. Minji would have done anything to appease the CEO and keep her relationship with Yoohyeon safe. That should have been Minji’s biggest indicator that the whole thing was about money, but she missed it; thought it was just a punishment that she deserved for putting the group at risk. “I signed…”

“I’m sure the lawyers can do something about that too, you were forced to sign this.”

Siyeon steered back, “So we can get 3 people out as soon as possible?”

Gahyeon nodded.

“We stay,” Bora immediately said to Siyeon who nodded.

“I can stay too,” Dami said.

Handong scoffed, “As if I would let you do that. I’ll stay.”

Gahyeon also volunteered, “I can put up with 10 months.”

“Sure, we’ll just leave the maknae of the group behind,” Yoohyeon objected. “I can—”

“Absolutely not,” Bora said adamantly. “Minji and you have to get out. And best, Dami too,” Bora turned to Gahyeon, “Sorry Gahyeona, but taking the main rapper away from the group will make sure they can’t produce songs for us at the same quality anymore. That would be our two fan attractors gone.”

Dami frowned, “By that logic, then Siyeon unnie should be the third to leave, then for sure the Dreamcatcher sound is gone. I’m not leaving if Gahyeon would be left behind—”

“EVERYONE!” Minji snapped. She was already overwhelmed enough as it was, and this scenario was making things so much worse. “This isn’t an option… we can’t sp-split up.”

Minji’s heart was squeezing uncomfortable, the tornado of guilt from the previous day making a touchdown in her chest. It was already hard enough to agree on leaving the company as a group, even if realistically they knew that it would be the end of Dreamcatcher. But at least it would their choice as a group. This right here was the last thing Minji ever wanted. Was one of her biggest fears even. After everything they have been through, to separate and in such a way was unacceptable in Minji’s books.

“Unnie…” Siyeon pleaded. “It’s the only option we have, we need to get you out of the company.”

Minji shook her head, “No. It’s either we get us all out or I’m staying.”

Minji needed to take the reins. It was her job. Even if she had neglected it in her own struggles, there was no time like the present to start leading again. She had led them through the hardest of times, as Minx, as Dreamcatcher, and it was time she saw her mission in life to the very end. Make sure these girls were always safe.

“Minji…” Bora tried.

“—Who knows what he’ll do to whoever is left behind? In just a few months he made my life hell, you would have almost a year left. I’m not watching any of you go through anything like I have,” Minji was gaining fire in her words. Like hell she would sit by idly while her members suffered. “I didn’t do all this just so you can take my place. Just so you can spend all your money trying to get me out of the company.”

Yoohyeon asked, “Minji, what are you saying?”

“I’m saying, I might be scared of the public’s reaction, but I am more terrified of one of you getting hurt.”

Minji stood up and they all looked attentively at her. Their leader was speaking, and they recognized it.

“We take this to court as the lawyers recommended. If it becomes public, so be it. I’ll just have to deal with the consequences,” Minji declared, her voice steadier than it has sounded in days, if not weeks. If there was any place, she could start to make it up to the members, then this was it.

Yoohyeon stood next to her and took her hand and interlaced their fingers. “You won’t have to deal with anything alone. I’m right here with you.”

“If you’re sure about this, then all of us too,” Bora said as the rest of the members stood up as well.

“You’re not in this alone. Not anymore,” Siyeon took her other hand.

And Minji felt more peaceful than she has in months.

All of us.

Not alone anymore.

What a relief …

———————————————

The thought crossed Yoohyeon’s mind a lot of time. That she was proud of Minji. For accepting help. For going to therapy. Every time she overcame her panic. Every step she took towards them. When she spoke to them and told them all the things that happened to her. All the hard times she had endured. For surviving for so long.

But nothing would compare to the pride that filled her chest now when Minji stood up and decided to fight. Minji’s conviction had a ripple effect in the room because they were all as scared, but with Minji at the helm, they felt like they now had a clear direction. Because their leader had already brought them to shore through many dark storms before. And just as they as a group would be as vulnerable as their weakest link, they could also be as formidable as their strongest. And right now, Minji just tipped the scale to their side.

The lawyers had endless questions for Minji. Things Yoohyeon would have never thought to ask. Direct, blunt questions that made Yoohyeon flinch. It still wasn’t easy listening to this story, even if it was Yoohyeon’s third time.

“What did the CEO say when he called you in his office for the first time? Try to be as detailed as possible.”

“What did Yoohyeon’s termination letter that he threatened you with say?”

Minji had looked at Yoohyeon then, apologetic as she recalled the content about termination due to violation of the morality clause of the contract; that was the only thing Minji remembered from the one time she held the letter in her hands. Yoohyeon wanted to tell her it wasn’t her fault. Minji had to know that none of this was her fault. And it shouldn’t have ever been brought to Minji as such; if the CEO really wanted to fire her then he should have talked to Yoohyeon. But of course, none of what happened was actually about this. Yoohyeon had to wonder if she would’ve recognized it from the start or more likely if she would have thought the same as Minji.

“Do you know which staff member took the video of you?”

“Write down the names of the staff member who you remember were involved in the planning and executing of the special clip. Also, anyone who can corroborate that you were uncomfortable with the theme.”

At that point Dami spoke up that she was involved as well and had witnessed firsthand Minji’s discomfort, and that their choreographer and their dancers could confirm that the CEO monitored Minji’s dance and suggested the heels which put Minji at risk of injury. Yoohyeon also added that she had seen Minji having a hard time with recording the song vocals, and their producers and one of their managers witnessed it too.

“Did the CEO ever directly or indirectly ask you or any of the members or company trainees for sexual favors like this? Think back from the moment you joined the company, not just recently.”

“What exactly did this Lee Sangwon do?”

For the last question, Minji impressed them once again with having taken photos of the bruises Lee Sangwon left on her thigh. It was a relief that Minji thought to document even if unofficially. And that only opened up more questions, about seating arrangements at the gala, and every instance the CEO could have possibly overheard the conversation, what Sunmi and Irene could have seen that got them to intervene. If they would be willing to testify.

Yoohyeon reminded also that their stylists were aware of Minji’s discomfort with the short clothes and had to change it for the album jacket shooting. 

And Bora had to practically keep Yoohyeon in her chair as the questions got more sensitive, and Minji grew visibly more uncomfortable.

Her desire to protect Minji had flared a 100-folds ever since the truth was out in the open. It was natural for all of them to be protective of each other, but Minji was her… everything. And she had been hurt way more than anyone should have had to experience. Yoohyeon has been trying not to let her guilt get the best of her, but that also came with this need to never let Minji get hurt again, even if it was a seemingly impossible task wanting to protect someone from the whole world. But for Minji, she would run a fool’s errand.

More questions about her relationship with Sunmi, how they met, if Minji felt at any point that Sunmi’s actions were due to her attraction to Minji as the CEO suggested, if Minji had led Sunmi on at all.

Minji was drowning in the questions that felt like accusations, but thankfully the lawyers took the time to remind her that it was only for her protection that they need to be this invasive because the CEO’s legal team would be.

“Are there any staff members that you can say were directly involved in the CEO’s plan?”

They were all quick to say their new manager Geun, who had mislead Minji about the fans’ reaction to her promotions. But Minji added another name that made them all freeze.

“Lian unnie, our fan manager… she was the one who started it since the special clip was released, before Geun was hired,” Minji explained, cautious of their reaction.

Siyeon stood up immediately. “Lian unnie? What? Why would she…”

It was clear they all felt betrayed. Just like Tae, their fan manager has been with them for years, and had always watched out for them. Even the fans loved Lian, who always made sure to treat them with respect and facilitate the meetings with Dreamcatcher with as little hassle as possible for both the fans and the group.

“I don’t know…” Minji’s words were filled with regret at having to break the news to them. “But that was why I believed it from the start.”

“That doesn’t make any sense,” Dami was especially affected by the news, having been close to the woman ever since they shared a room in their dorm early in their career.

Minji’s face fell, “I’m sorry… maybe I misunderstood—”

“Minji don’t do that,” Yoohyeon interrupted, hating how quick Minji was to self-blame. “What happened happened, we’re just surprised is all. Don’t doubt yourself. Someone else’s actions are not your fault.”

Even if it took a while and a lot of frustration, Yoohyeon would always make sure that Minji knew that.

The civil attorney also kindly added that if someone was really acting out of character, it could be due to pressure from the CEO; there was nothing to say about if he wasn’t treating their close staff the same way he was treating Minji. Yoohyeon’s heart broke at the thought of their staff being mistreated as well when the staff did their best to take care of the members every day.

Siyeon wasn’t going to let the Lian issue go, and Yoohyeon understood the main vocalist’s thirst for something she could do.

By the time they were done hours later they were all exhausted. Minji had to practically speak about everything that happened, including her parents and the conversion therapy, in even much more details than she had even given Yoohyeon.

She could sense that Minji was feeling down as they left, no doubt the reemergence of these traumatic experiences, and in front of complete strangers, was stressful and highly triggering for the leader.

But it seemed like everyone was itching to comfort Minji, Yoohyeon chuckled as Gahyeon and Bora had rushed to take the seats on the either side of Minji, leaving Yoohyeon baffled outside the car. Yet so glad that Minji was surrounded by so much love now.

“Do you wanna drive?” Siyeon offered her the car keys and Yoohyeon gratefully accepted. Having to concentrate on the road would keep her mind from wandering too much. Siyeon took the passenger seat next to her and Yoohyeon felt confident enough about starting the car. Siyeon would be watching over her too.

————————————————

They didn’t share a bed since they came to this house, but tonight Yoohyeon just came to Minji and asked if she could sleep there, stunning Minji, who could only nod silently. It was awkward at first, the two of them just lying down as stiff as wood logs next to each other. Yoohyeon just wanted to hold Minji in her arms and this unfamiliar atmosphere was suffocating her.

Yoohyeon almost sighed in relief when Minji, very hesitantly, turned towards Yoohyeon and reached out a hand to touch Yoohyeon’s arm. Just trying to connect them in some way. Yoohyeon took this chance to hold Minji’s hand that was touching her, and step by step, they moved closer to each other till there was barely space. It just felt right being back into Minji’s life like this.

It was dark in the room, but the faint moonlight still allowed Yoohyeon to see the way Minji’s eyes never left her face. And Yoohyeon held her stare, trying to transmit feelings she didn’t know how to put into words. They finally fell asleep with their hands intertwined between them.

The nightmare was expected and part of why Yoohyeon had wanted to share a bed with the leader in the first place. She didn’t want Minji to suffer alone anymore, even if it was from her own subconscious mind.

Yoohyeon couldn’t help the way her lips curled up at seeing that Minji had ended up in her arms sometime during the night, their bodies naturally doing what their minds have stopped them from doing. Yoohyeon tightened her hold on Minji, whispers of “it was just a dream” countering Minji’s harsh breathing, a thumb taking a familiar place to brush away errant tears. But thankfully, Minji seemed more annoyed than panicked, frustrated at whatever her mind had conjured.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” Yoohyeon asked, her voice hoarse as she swatted away the sleep from her eyes and patted Minji’s head.

“It’s nothing serious… just my brain thinking of all the ways the CEO could torture you all…” Minji tried to keep her words light, but the shakiness that seeped in she couldn’t control.

Yoohyeon hummed, tightening her hold on the leader, “It’s a valid fear.”

It wasn’t like Yoohyeon hasn’t already thought of all the ways everything could go terribly wrong, all the ways Minji could end up being even more hurt, ways their group can suffer if things didn’t go as they hoped. Their group… Yoohyeon tried to swallow the lump that was persistently stuck in her throat ever since they made their decision. She didn’t want Dreamcatcher to end. It was her life. Her dream. Her family. But she wasn’t the one whose dream turned into a nightmare, Minji was. No matter how much pain Yoohyeon was in, it was nothing compared to what Minji was going through. Yoohyeon merely felt the aftershocks while Minji was at the hypocenter of the earthquake. They didn’t think they were in a company where this kind of thing happened, yet it did and right under their noses.

Yoohyeon may have loved being an idol, but she loved Minji even more. And they needed to do this for Minji, and really all of them. She just had to hold on to the hope that they can stay together as a group after. Professionally that is, because there was no doubt in Yoohyeon’s mind about their presence in each other’s lives no matter what they were doing. These were the people who shaped the person who she has grown up to be, a person she was proud to be. She was never letting them go.

“I don’t wanna think about the ways things can go wrong,” Minji sighed.

“Then let’s think about things that can go right,” Yoohyeon suggested.

Minji laughed lightly, but Yoohyeon was serious. “You can be free of all this pressure.”

Taking a deep breath, Minji followed her lead, “I won’t have to do things I don’t want to do anymore.”

“You can focus on your recovery and getting better.”

Lawsuit and company aside, there was a long road ahead of Minji to heal, and Yoohyeon hoped nothing would get in the way of that.

“I won’t have to feel like everything I do is wrong.”

“You can be happy again.” Yoohyeon was speaking her raw wishes out loud, hoping the universe would hear them. Minji deserved so much, and Yoohyeon wished she actually had control over the heavens and earth to move them for Minji.

“We can…” Minji trailed off, suddenly unsure and Yoohyeon knew exactly what thought could get Minji skittish like this. Their relationship.

There were no clear labels, and another discussion would be ill-timed when there were much more important things at stake. But Yoohyeon couldn’t help it. Despite everything that happened, all the lies and secrecy, all the pain and suffering, her heart still belonged to Minji, and she knew that the reverse was true.

Yoohyeon smile softly, already hardly believing that Minji was back in her arms, “We can learn to trust each other again.”

She started with a simple step, yet the one that took the hardest hit.

Minji took a shaky breath, “I can keep on loving you in the way you deserve.”

It was the middle of the night, yet Yoohyeon’s heart was keeping her more awake than ever, thrumming in need for more. More talk. More assurance, whether from her or from Minji. More love. Just more of Minji and everything she was. “You can let me love you back like I want to.”

Because Yoohyeon held so much love for Minji that it was almost scary when she had no place to put it, when Minji was shutting her out, when she thought Minji had lied because she didn't see Yoohyeon as an equal in their relationship.

The tears welled up in Minji’s eyes and were quickly reflected in Yoohyeon’s. They were on the same page, every stroke of the pen leaving the same imprint on both of their souls.

“Hyeon… I’ve missed you so much, even though you have been right next to me the whole time,” Minji confessed.

“I know what you mean,” a lot was bubbling up in Yoohyeon’s chest, but she had to put a lid on it. She wasn’t going to rush this. She wasn’t going to take a chance that anything could get in between them again, especially themselves. She settled on kissing Minji’s forehead. “I’ve missed you too, Minji.”

So so much.

Chapter Text

Their time was up, that was what the urgent call from Tae to Bora told them. Someone from the company was checking on the status of the music video set and found out that nothing was assembled on Tae’s orders.

“I tried my best,” Tae said.

“I know Oppa, it’s okay, we weren’t expecting to get more than a couple of days,” Bora responded less harshly this time than the last phone call.

“Are you girls okay? Do you need help?”

“We do… Oppa, we want to leave the company.”

There was silence on the other line as Tae seemed to be moving till cars passing by could be heard on the phone.

“What are you talking about? All of a sudden? Sua, what happened?”

“A lot oppa. Probably better if we talk in person.”

They weren’t sure who to trust now that they found out that their trusted fan manager was also partly responsible for a problem Minji had. Tae was the only one who had not let them down in any way, and Minji also confirmed that their general manager was never anything but kind and protective.

Tae was relieved when he saw all of them with his own eyes.

“Girls… what’s going on? We’ve been worried sick,” Tae asked urgently. “Jiu, are you okay?”

“I’m fine, oppa,” Minji assured, but her voice shook.

Yoohyeon held Minji’s hand then. They hadn’t wanted the leader to meet with anyone from the company at all, but Minji insisted that she was okay and she didn’t want to just shuffle the responsibility onto them. Even if they agreed as a group, they were very careful not to take away control from Minji.

But Yoohyeon understood why Minji was nervous. Yet another person she had to reveal her struggles to, and unlike the lawyers, Tae cared about them on a personal level. And there was now this doubt in all of their minds, mistrust of everyone they work with because what if they would be on the CEO’s side?

“You don’t sound fine,” Tae observed.

Siyeon immediately interjected, “She’s doing her best.”

Tae lifted his hands in front of him in a placating manner, “I’m just worried about her.”

Sighing, Siyeon pushed her hair out of her face, “Sorry, oppa. We’re just under a lot of stress.”

“Tell me what’s going on? What is this about wanting to leave the company?”

“Oppa, can we trust you?” Bora asked seriously.

“Of course you can, what kind of question is this?” Tae was a bit offended.

Bora shook her head. “We can’t even trust Lian unnie right now. We need to know that you’re not working for the CEO.”

“Lian? What?— Also, he’s our boss, all of us,” Tae frowned.

“Not that way, oppa. We need to know that you’re not working with him against us. I need you to swear it because we really can’t take one more heartbreak—”

Tae spoke softly. “I swear you girls are my number one priority. I would never let anyone harm you if it’s in my power, not even if it meant I lose my job. If you want to quit, I trust that you have thought about it a lot and have your reasons. And I have your back, just tell me what I can do to help.”

Sensing absolute sincerity from their general manager, they turned to Minji who watched him for a few more seconds.

“Let me help you, Jiu. Please…”

Minji took a deep breath and nodded. Yoohyeon intertwined their fingers then, lending Minji her strength as they told him a summary of what happened with Minji and the CEO, and how they just found all this out.

Tae was shocked, his hands were curled by his side, and Yoohyeon felt bad for their manager. He had done his best to protect them for years, and in the end, the danger came from within the company. She could relate to how he felt very much.

“Jiu… Minji-yah,” Tae called her by her real name for probably the first time since they were trainees. “I am so sorry… We—I should’ve watched out for you better. I knew it was weird that he was meeting with you privately and this often, but I didn’t do anything about it…”

“Oppa, it wasn’t your fault,” Minji was kind in her words.

But Tae shook his head, “It’s my job to protect you and I let you get treated like this… If I had known how sick he was, I would’ve never let him near you.”

“None of us would’ve oppa,” Siyeon reassured him. “And now we need to make sure he can’t come near any of us again.”

Tae nodded, his eyes lingering on Minji in regret. “Yes, of course. What’s the plan? Your contracts are still running till the end of the year.”

So they updated him about the lawyers and what they said and told Tae that right now they need to figure out who they can trust from their staff to be their witnesses, and if anyone maybe saw or heard anything of what was happening with the CEO and Minji.

“That son of a bitch deserves to go to jail,” Tae was on the side of the attorney on this. “I’ll ask around discretely. There were so many of the staff that have been worried about you Jiu and who have come to me with their concern, I’ll start there.”

“Oppa please be careful, Lian unnie—” Siyeon tried to warn.

Tae shook his head. “Something doesn’t sound right there. I believe you, Jiu,” He quickly added. “But Lian adores you, girls. Your schedule was out of her control, but she tried her best to lessen your burden whenever she could, not even informing fan sites and journalists anymore of your schedules and locations so that you don’t have to worry about being mobbed again. That came from her, not the company and they were pissed off that you weren’t getting that free exposure, but she didn’t care. I wouldn’t just discount her as your ally, we need to talk to her to understand what happened.”

“We trust your judgment oppa,” Minji said. “It doesn’t make sense to me either… she always tried to stay with me on show sets so that I wasn’t alone. Maybe please figure out why she would mislead me like that… I don’t want to be wary of everyone around us all the time, it’s exhausting.”

“I’ll get to the bottom of this, and I’ll get you people who will back you up. I don’t doubt everyone will want to support you when they find out you were being mistreated.”

Minji hesitated at that and Yoohyeon caught the issue. “Oppa, please try to be as vague as you can… This is Minji’s private life we’re talking about here. Not everyone knows we’re—that Minji and I…”

“No, not everyone. Some have speculated of course, and some wished for it because you two are cute together,” Yoohyeon found herself blushing at the statement. “But they don’t entertain these thoughts for long, they know this industry pushes people together to survive, and they wouldn’t want a rumor to start spreading around when this kind of thing could affect your career. Don’t worry, I’ll be careful with what I say. But just so you know, I’m very happy for you two.”

Minji only gave a small smile, head downcast and Yoohyeon couldn’t respond, her heart aching at the unclear status of their relationship. They weren’t together. But Yoohyeon would hate to say that.

—————————————

The lawyers moved quickly once the group informed them that they couldn’t stall anymore, and filed a petition for an emergency injunction to suspend their contracts.

As expected, their phones started blowing up from texts and calls from their managers; according to Tae, there was an emergency meeting at the company right after the legal team was notified of the proceedings.

What they didn’t expect was how fast the company would work though.

“Shit,” Dami cursed as she scrolled through her phone that evening. “Shit!”

“Dami? What is it?” Bora quickly questioned. It was so odd to hear the main rapper cursing.

“The headline on Dispatch right now is ‘SHOCKING EXCLUSIVE: Dreamcatcher's Jiu to Leave Company?’,” Dami read.

Minji’s eyes widened. No.

“What?” Yoohyeon questioned in shock and Dami sent them the article in the group chat.

“The K-pop industry is rocked by the news, as Dispatch has obtained exclusive information from a company insider that Dreamcatcher's rising star, Jiu, is seeking to leave the company. The singer has recently gained national and international fame after her viral cover of K-pop solo artist Hyuna's hit song “Roll Deep,” and since then has been a cover model for top magazines and the new brand ambassador for the high-end fashion brand, GOEN.J. Her viral success story has been a true testament to her impressive visuals, sultry vocals, and dedication to her craft.

But now, our sources have recovered a shredded letter of resignation, signed by Jiu herself, leaving fans speculating about what this could mean for her future with Dreamcatcher and Dreamcatcher Company.

Jiu first joined the parent company, Happy Face Entertainment, in 2013 as a trainee, and later debuted as part of the group Minx in 2014. Despite the group's d isbandment in 2016 after only two releases, Jiu and her fellow members received a second chance, re-debuting in 2017 as the Rock-focused girl group, Dreamcatcher, which has since become an international success, with notable achievements such as being the first female K-pop act to top the Billboard Next Big Sound chart.

Dispatch will continue to bring you the latest updates as more information becomes available. Fans are no doubt eagerly awaiting official news. Will Jiu be leaving her group? Could this be the end of an era for Dreamcatcher? Did Dreamcatcher's leader receive better offers from other companies due to her rising popularity? Stay tuned for updates on this developing story.”

“What the hell?” Siyeon questioned.

“Unnie, is this the letter you gave the CEO?” Dami asked.

Minji felt bile rise up her throat as she saw the photo of a letter that was strips of paper obviously tapped together. The same letter she threatened the CEO with, which was hastily written on the back of the envelope that held Yoohyeon’s letter of termination.

“Ye-ah.”

Bora huffed, “Company insider my ass. He is really pathetic, he collected the shredded letter and put it back together just so he can have it to use against you one day?”

“The fans are freaking out…” Gahyeon said from her place, staring at her phone.

“This is obviously what he was after,” Handong said in disgust. “He wouldn’t publicize the lawsuit yet, but he can turn the fans against unnie with this.”

Minji’s heart was dropping in her stomach as she scrolled through the comments on the article. Disbelief, shock, and so much sadness, betrayal, and anger.

Yoohyeon gently covered the phone screen. “Minji, don’t worry about this right now.”

“H-How? How can I not worry about this? Everyone thinks that I want to leave because I want to be more popular. They’re wondering which of the big companies offered me enough money to abandon the group.”

“Because it’s not true,” Yoohyeon insisted. “Once we get the injunction, then it’s all of us no longer working in the company, and the fans will realize something is wrong.”

Minji looked at the phone longingly, hating that she was disappointing the fans so much and over false speculation nevertheless. She knew they were going to be disappointed regardless, but she had hoped by telling them the truth eventually, or at least part of it, that it would soften the blow somewhat, that their love for her and the group would keep the fans on their side.

Eunji called then urging Minji to ignore the article and not respond because anything she said will be used against her. “This won’t be the last time your company pulls something like this. You have to know that they will fight dirty. All their income relies on the fans and public opinion. I didn’t expect them to already go in from that angle, but as I said, they will fight the injunction hard, because it’s their way to keep you under their control. Stay strong, Minji-ssi.”

It was hard for any of them to put their phones down that evening. Bad news, unfortunately, spread like wildfire, and they couldn’t put it out.

Minji went to bed with a heavy heart, and Yoohyeon joined her.

“Minji, I have an idea. I know you wanna talk to the fans but can’t,” Yoohyeon was so gentle as she pushed Minji’s hair behind her ears. “What do you really wish you could tell them right now?”

Minji thought about it for a few seconds. She could apologize. She could tell them the truth. She could deny wanting to quit, but that wouldn’t be exactly right. “I wish I could tell them to keep believing in me… that they know me better than this…”

“Give me your phone,” Yoohyeon asked and Minji complied.

Yoohyeon pressed a few times on the screen then handed it back to Minji.

Minji managed a sad but grateful smile as she took a deep breath and pressed send, “Thank you.”

Yoohyeon hugged her, “They’ll understand.”

[Dreamcatcher Weverse] Jiu shared a moment with you: “<Now playing> Dreamcatcher - 괜찮아 ! (Trust Me) ▶️ 0:56 ———○———————— 3:25 ”

————————————————

Minji’s post had given more speculations than answers, but at least their original fans calmed down and signaled their support by making posts with the same message that Minji had posted. Unfortunately, that didn’t extend to all of their fans, especially the newer or casual ones and other k-pop fans, but that was something that Minji could live with for now. Ever since Handong had shown her that there is a distinction between their fans, Minji has been trying not to let widespread public reactions get to her anymore and seeking out the words of those who mattered instead.

From there, things progressed like a snowball rolling down a hill, gaining momentum, becoming bigger and bigger till they were in court for a scheduled preliminary hearing only mere days later. They hardly had time to mentally prepare let alone be actually prepared to give testimonies, but their lawyers assured them that this was not the full trial and the motion was just to get them a temporary injunction so that they could immediately stop working.

It was a tense atmosphere, sitting in a courtroom with the CEO and the legal team on the other side. But at least they were guaranteed complete privacy for this hearing, and the press hadn’t caught wind of it yet given it was the first.

Eunji presented their case well and Minji felt the lawyer’s fire lighting up her own. But the DCC legal team was refuting their claim of loss of trust and mistreatment.

The opposing lawyer ended his argument with, “The allegations made by the plaintiffs are baseless and lack credible evidence. It is convenient for the plaintiffs to raise these accusations now, after failing to bring them to the attention of the company in an official capacity. There are no recorded complaints in any company channels, not with the management, and certainly not the CEO. Dreamcatcher company denies any mistreatment allegations and we urge the court to dismiss these claims as unsupported by the facts.”

Minji bit her lips, it was true that they never filed official complaints, and Minji did not let the managers know about anything that was going on.

“Your honor,” Eunji immediately spoke. “I would like to emphasize that the request for an injunction is to temporarily suspend the contracts of the Dreamcatcher group members, while the underlying lawsuit aims to permanently terminate these contracts. Our case against the CEO of Happy Face Entertainment, Lee Joowon, encompasses multiple allegations brought on by one of the plaintiffs, Kim Minji: blackmail, sexual harassment and coercion, discrimination based on sexual orientation, retaliation, and emotional distress. It is of utmost importance for the safety and well-being of my clients that they are not forced to continue working for a company where their group leader is bringing such serious charges against the CEO. The suspension of the contracts will provide them with the necessary protection until the case can be fully resolved in the court of law.”

 “These are serious allegations, attorney. What proof do you have besides Kim Minji-ssi saying it happened?” the opposing lawyer questioned arrogantly, “Because as far as I see from the evidence you submitted, it is all coached statements from the Dreamcatcher members and their close staff. We also submitted statements from multiple current and former employees of Happy Face Entertainment vouching for Lee Joowon’s character and excellent work ethic. Why should your the plaintiff’s words weigh more than the defendant’s?”

Oh Kwan stood then, “The opposing legal team's attempt to downplay the gravity of the situation is unacceptable. These serious allegations require a thorough examination of all the evidence that supports Kim Minji‑ssi's claims. We are talking about months of blackmail that may have been witnessed by other employees of the company who may have been unaware of the situation. These witness statements, given under oath, and their cross-examination in court, will be essential in building a strong case. We’ve submitted a written communication—

The opposing lawyer scoffed, “A text message from the CEO applauding his employee on a job well done at a networking event, hardly anything suspicious—”

Kwan corrected, “—A written communication from an employer encouraging immoral interactions between his employee and an executive producer of a major television network in exchange for an appearance on a variety show. Furthermore, we have also submitted photos that document the sexual harassment that was orchestrated by the CEO.”

“Objection!” The opposing lawyer huffed out. “The photos submitted do not provide sufficient context and were not taken by medical personnel or the police. They could have been caused by anything and without proper context, it is impossible to determine the cause.”

“Your honor, this would require we bring forth our witnesses who have seen Lee Sangwon-ssi harassing my client, right next to the CEO—”

“—Unless Kim Minji-ssi is claiming that the CEO left these marks on her body, then perhaps she should be suing the person responsible for causing them, not CEO Lee Joowon.”

The judge banged his gavel repeatedly, stopping the back-and-forth argument between the two attorneys.

“Order in the courtroom, please,” the judge called. “Do either of the lawyers have any further evidence they would like to present in support of or against the injunction?”

“Yes, your honor,” the CEO’s lawyer spoke. “We would like to submit the updated financial report regarding the impact of this proposed injunction. As the plaintiffs have agreed to an upcoming comeback, the company has already invested around 475 million won with an expectation of a return of 2.1 billion won. The follow-up schedules, such as the world tour that is already long organized and is expected to generate around 3 to 5 billion won revenue for the first leg alone. It is important for the court to consider the contractual obligation of the Dreamcatcher members to fulfill the job that has been paying their livelihood since 2017 without any problems.”

And the lawyer didn’t stop there, “We would like to also submit into evidence the consequences of the plaintiff's actions. Recently, several endorsement contracts have been immediately canceled, incurring substantial cancellation fees for the company, when Kim Minji-ssi expressed her unhappiness with the projects that were already agreed to. Due to the so far positive relationship between the company and the plaintiffs, the CEO had graciously accommodated Kim Minji-ssi's unreasonable demands without burdening her with the fees that according to her contract she would have been obliged to pay.”

Minji felt her blood boiling at this. That was how he was going to claim that conversation went down?

But Kwan quickly interjected, “Your Honor, we would like to respond to the defendant’s second evidence. These endorsement contracts were only canceled after Kim Minji-ssi expressed her intention to put an end to the ongoing blackmail, even if she had to quit. This is supported by this evidence we would like to submit. A letter that was leaked to the press the same day we petitioned for the injunction, in which Kim Minji tried to resign from the company, speaking to the severe distress that she was under if she was willing to give up her lifelong dream.

“Her resignation was dismissed by the shredding of the letter, which as you can see in this photo was taped back together for the sake of putting pressure on my client via the media, and the CEO agreeing to stop the blackmailing and cancel the endorsement contracts that were agreed to without Minji-ssi's prior consent. While it is in the company’s right, we would like to emphasize that the members' approval was always sought before any projects were signed in the past, showing the level of trust that once existed between the company and the group, and so these actions are just further indication of the now problematic relationship between them.”

The CEO’s lawyer stood again, “Objection, your honor. The opposing attorneys have provided no evidence to support their claim that the defendant was responsible for the leak and are using this situation to build up their narrative. Without proper evidence, such claims are purely speculative and should not be considered in this case. Furthermore, I object to the repeated use of the word "blackmailing" in reference to my client's actions. There is no evidence to suggest that any such activity took place, and any arrangements made between my client and Minji-ssi were done so within the bounds of normal business conduct. It is important that we use precise language and avoid making unfounded accusations in this court.”

The atmosphere was tense in the courtroom.

“The plaintiffs and their lawyers have the right to present their case using the language and terminology they feel accurately describe the situation they are alleging. As long as the language used by the plaintiff's lawyer is relevant and not excessively inflammatory, I will allow it,” the judge said then called for a recess while he reviewed the case.

Eunji and Kwan turned to the members.

“We are in a good position so far,” Kwan tried to assure them.

“The money…” Gahyeon pointed out. “It’s a lot more than I imagined. We’ve never made as much money from an album, it’s almost close to our last tour’s revenue.”

Eunji sighed. “Unfortunately that is one big point for the company, but hopefully with the evidence we provided for the other accusations it’s enough proof for the mistreatment and loss of trust.”

The knocking of the gavel drew them all back to their places to hear the verdict.

The judge cleared his throat. “After considering all the evidence presented in this hearing, the court has reached a decision. The court recognizes the gravity of the allegations and finds it necessary for this case to proceed to trial based on the evidence presented by the plaintiffs.”

Eunji turned to them with a satisfied smile. A breath escaped Minji and was echoed by whispered cheers from her group. Siyeon patted her back, and Yoohyeon squeezed her hand with a beaming smile, and Minji returned it with tears welling in her eyes. The case wasn’t dismissed.

The judge then continued, “However, after weighing the potential financial impact on the company, the court has decided not to grant temporary injunctions to suspend the Dreamcatcher members’ contracts at this time.”

Minji gasped.

 “Thus far, there was no concrete evidence to support the plaintiffs’ claims of loss of trust except for the case of Kim Minji-ssi. The court acknowledges the significant investment that the company has made in preparing for the music comeback, and recognizes the potential harm to the company's reputation and financial well-being if the preparations do not proceed as planned while the case is still ongoing and no final decision has been made.”

No no no no no.

 “However, the court notes that the music comeback itself may not happen before the end of the trial due to the ongoing legal proceedings. A date will be set for the lawsuit to proceed at the earliest due to the time-sensitivity of the matter.”

This wasn't h ow it was supposed to go.

 “To ensure the safety and well-being of the plaintiffs, the court is issuing a warning to the defendant, Lee Joowon-ssi, to behave appropriately and respectfully towards the plaintiffs during the duration of the trial. Any retaliation against the plaintiffs will not be tolerated. The court urges all parties to cooperate in order to reach a fair and just conclusion. This hearing is adjourned. Court is dismissed.”

Minji closed her eyes, trying to battle this nightmare.

They were petrified in shock at the turn of events when a shadow cast over Minji.

She opened her eyes to see the CEO standing in front of her with fire in his eyes.

Siyeon immediately stood, pushing herself to be in between them. Trying to protect Minji from his closeness.

“I expect you all at the company at 1 pm sharp. We have a comeback to salvage. Jiu-ssi, come to my office as soon as you arrive,” without leaving them a chance to argue, he turned away and left the courtroom followed by his legal team.

“Like hell she is,” Siyeon snarled.

The tears blurred Minji’s vision. They failed.

Their lawyers came to them, not looking as defeated as Minji felt but they were pensive.

“Is there anything we can do?” Siyeon asked desperately.

Kwan grimaced, “I’m afraid not. The judge said a quick trial date should be set, so hopefully, it won’t be so long till we get you out of there. But this is a partial win, don’t lose hope.”

Bora shook her head, “How are we supposed to go back to the company and work as if nothing is going on? As if he isn’t someone who has been torturing Minji for months?”

“This is not an easy situation, but you don’t have a choice right now,” Eunji said sympathetically. “The judge ordered the CEO to behave, so if anything happens, anything at all, you tell us and we’re reporting it right away.”

Siyeon replied, “It’s too late. He’s not gonna do anything now.”

“Let’s hope so,” Kwan warned. “Stay on your guard.”

Hope has been leaking out of Minji from the moment the judge declared his ruling in the company’s favor, and there was none of it left in her. They had to go back to the company. She had to go talk to the CEO.

The stems of fear were wrapping around her heart rapidly, vines of panic trailing in and darkening the edges of her vision.

But she wasn’t the only one scared. She could see it in how the younger members hadn’t said a single word, how Yoohyeon’s eyes were stuck on the ceiling as if trying to communicate with a higher power, how Dami’s expression was no longer composed, how Gahyeon attached herself to Handong who loosely wrapped an arm around the maknae but her eyes were closed, downcast. Scared and defeated. That’s how they all felt.

Minji took a deep breath, forcefully clearing her vision and her chest of the feelings that threatened to overwhelm her. She was their leader.

“The trial will proceed, this is just a minor setback,” Minji said the words trying to convince herself as much as trying to convince the members.

The members looked up at her surprised.

Minji smiled softly, “We would be in the same situation if we hadn’t sued, so not much has changed for now. We keep pushing forward and hopefully, the trial itself gets us what we want.”

“And if it doesn’t?” doubt seemed to have gotten to Dami.

Minji squeezed the main rapper’s arm, “We’ll cross the bridge when we get to it. For now, let’s keep marching forward.”

Seeing the light back in their eyes made it easier for Minji to breathe as she too started to believe in her own words. There was something to be said about ‘fake it till you make it’.

Fingers intertwined with her own, and Minji found Yoohyeon with a gentle smile, despite the trembling in her hand. Pride was written all over the lead vocalist’s face and Minji couldn’t help but lean into it, letting it fill the parts of her that seem to be broken beyond repair.

“We got this,” Yoohyeon said and Minji tightened her hold on the hand in hers. With Yoohyeon by her side, Minji felt invincible.

—————————————————

That feeling unfortunately only lasted till they stepped foot in the company. After the past week and opening up, Minji wariness of the place had multiplied ten folds, everything that had happened settled deep in her leaving a kind of soreness that just wouldn’t go away.

It didn’t help that all eyes were on them with various degrees of emotions ranging from sympathy to betrayal. It wasn’t like the members could make an announcement to everyone and explain their version of events. It wasn’t like Minji could beg them to understand the kind of pain this place had brought her.

Siyeon’s presence by her side was hard to ignore, and Minji was sure that the main vocalist was doing it on purpose, making sure that Minji knew that she was there to protect her. Which also meant that the walk to the CEO’s office was less daunting than it usually was. It was the first confrontation with the CEO and none of the members would leave her side.

The CEO didn’t seem to be surprised by the presence of 7 members in his office when he only called for Minji, but he hardly even acknowledged them, his eyes falling on Minji the moment she stepped in.

“I thought we had a deal,” Joowon said in disdain.

Minji tilted her head, “A deal?”

“You got what you wanted, didn’t you? Canceled appearances, losing us money by the day, you do what you want. A deal.”

Minji scoffed, instead of fear, she was only feeling empowered. The office wasn’t the scary place it was when it was filled with her members, and the CEO certainly wasn’t the huge villain out to get her when 6 other members stared down his every move.

“I hardly call that a deal, that was me refusing to put up with everything you put me through any longer. That was me trying to get things back on track to how they used to be before you decided to make my life hell,” Minji was out of breath already, anger was clashing against fear sparking a fire in her that she long thought was extinguished.

The CEO’s eyes widened, “Make your life hell? Jiu, what are you talking about? Everything I did was for your benefit—”

Siyeon took a couple of sudden steps forward and slammed her hands on the table between them, drawing his attention to her, and forcing him to look away from Minji.

“Don’t you dare,” Siyeon sneered, her tone would have scared Minji if Siyeon wasn’t on her side.

The CEO frowned. “Girls, I think there might be some misunderstanding here—”

“—Oh no we understand things very clearly,” Handong scoffed.

Dami pitched in, “We trusted you and you hurt one of us.”

“Hurt?” Joowon looked confused. “I would never hurt you. I care so much about you—”

Pain ran through Minji’s chest like a current. Once upon a time, this was true. But people change as she has come to learn. Be it for better or worse.

“Cut the bullshit, CEO-nim,” Siyeon said, irritated.

“We know everything,” Yoohyeon stepped forward despite Minji wanting to shield her from the CEO and his harshness. They weren’t even supposed to talk to the CEO about the case. “How you found out about Minji and me, and instead of talking to us about it, even if it was to tell us we can’t be together while working here, you decided to take advantage of the situation and make Minji do what you want.”

“Take advantage? Jiu-yah,” he turned to her and Minji couldn’t stand to meet his eyes, not when his tone was pleading. “Did I not help you even though your relationship violated your contract? Do you not remember how scared you were after what that doctor did to you at that clinic—”

The images flashed too quickly in Minji’s mind for her to push them away.

“Don’t!” Siyeon immediately stopped him, her eyes falling on Minji briefly to make sure she was okay. “You might have helped her but—”

“But what? Where were you guys when she was forced into conversion therapy by her family? When her arm was hurt because of electroshock therapy? I was the one who saved her—”

Overhead lights. Sinister smile. Restraints. Photos. Pain. So much pain.

Minji had to close her eyes, battling against the images in her head that his blunt words conjured. The office around her was flickering into a different one. Books. So many books. Why did one person need that many books?

Warmth in her hand pulled her back before the doctor’s office could trap her in. Yoohyeon held her hands, and without a care that the CEO was in the room, leaned her head against Minji’s to whisper, “You’re not there. You’re safe.”

Minji nodded shakily. She needed to stay here in the present.

“It’s not my job to help with things that happen on your own time, in your private life, but when you came to me Jiu, I helped you. And this is how you repay me? By spreading lies—”

Bora stepped up, “Don’t call her a liar. You know what you did. Sunmi, Lee Sangwon… was that her fault in her private life too?”

The CEO’s eyes widened, “Jiu-yah, just what did you tell them? You came on to Sunmi-ssi and blundered the collaboration because of it, and now you’re trying to blame it on me, instead of admitting your mistake—”

“Are you insane?” Yoohyeon seemed to have had enough of being civil, especially with this topic. “Everything that is coming out of your mouth is a lie.”

“This was such a big opportunity for you Yoohyeon—”

“—And the whole company, and you got greedy and wanted more. Asked something so sick of her just so you can have more!”

“Everything I asked of her was so that she could get what she wanted,” Joowon turned to her then, eyes full of challenge to counter his words. “Why else do you think she was doing it for so long?” he wasn’t holding back and Minji felt like whatever shield she had walked into this room with was only imaginary after all.

Minji flinched perceptibly, distracting Yoohyeon from responding, letting the room drown in a silence where his words echoed.

Everything he asked of her was to fulfill what she wanted …

The words took hold of the already open edges of many wounds inside her.

What she wanted …

“You wanted success so badly and when I gave you a way, you took it. Now that you have it, you come back and blame me for your choices?”

The words ripped her chest wide open.

Siyeon almost growled, “You’re a really sick and twisted man.”

But he easily ignored her, eyes set on only Minji. He was smiling, growing bigger and bigger in Minji’s eyes from the small man that she thought she was confronting.

“Think about that before the next time you stand in court accusing me of all sorts of things just to cover up your own decisions. I truly hope you come back to your senses and drop this nonsense lawsuit, Jiu-ssi.”

Reality was crashing on Minji faster than she could get hold of it.

“Do you wanna have another Minx end on your hands?”

She wanted success.

Just how far had she been willing to go for it?

Chapter Text

Flashback

Hard work pays off. It was something everyone said. Her teachers when Minji was at school. Her parents when she was growing up. Her grandpa when they restored his vintage car together and got to enjoy a cruise out with the roof down, the sun almost hot enough to burn her skin, the wind flowing through her hair; the first taste of a freedom she didn’t know she wanted. She saw it in how her favorite idol, IU, started from nothing, and even after failing auditions at a big company such as JYP, IU didn’t stop and worked till she became one of the most influential singers in their country. Minji has seen firsthand how her own hard work has been paying off so far, and she went from just singing in the school’s choir to successfully passing the audition, to being a trainee at Happy Face Entertainment, to finally becoming a professional idol.

So the hard work mantra was something that was instilled in her and she in turn tried to pass it on to her group members. And by God, the 4 of them were the hardest-working group of people she ever met. Nothing could stop them once they put their mind to something. Sure, they were young, two of them even still in school, but their work ethic was better than many lazy grownups that Minji has come across in her life.

But things also took time. Just as it took years for a tree to grow and bear fruit, Minji knew that they weren’t going to be an instant success right off the bat. Only 2 title songs when they were nearing their 2nd debut anniversary, but it was the way the industry worked, and they just had to keep going at it. Even though it’s been 8 months since they dropped “Love Shake,” and it was hard to stay motivated when there was no goal for them to work towards. They performed at the few festivals they were invited to, made videos, and communicated with their fans online, but the itch to create something new was making them all restless. They wanted to be out there in the spotlight again.

That’s why she was excited about this important meeting with their CEO today. Just like after “Why Did You Come to My Home,” there was a big wait, then they had a meeting and ended up putting out their first mini-album, which ended up performing better than their first single, even if much weaker than some of the competition, but they were from a small company, it was to be expected. Who knew what was in store for them this time? A full album? Another mini-album with a concert maybe? The sky was the limit.

Minji looked at her members barely containing her excitement. They too were looking alive again after the long break drove some of them up the wall. Siyeon looked like a weight was finally lifted off her shoulders, and even Dami, who was naturally more reserved in her reactions, was smiling brightly. Bora was annoying Yoohyeon as always, but it looked like nothing could take the younger member down from the cloud she was on, which was only egging Bora to try to provoke her more; it was Bora’s way of showing love and trying to distract herself.

Minji smiled.

Today was the day.

The CEO’s expression was grimmer in comparison to theirs, and their manager didn’t meet their eyes as he took a seat next to him.

Minji frowned for a second, but then forgot all about it when the CEO started with a, “So girls…”

This was it.

The silence in the dorm was deafening—as if all noise was banned with the evaporation of their dream.

“This isn’t going to work out anymore. The company has decided that this is as far as Minx will go.”

Minji held in the sobs every time they threatened to escape her. Hard work—

Siyeon was the first to break down, and the wails she let out almost made Minji wish for the quiet again. And it was like a domino effect with the younger members following her into the darkness after that. And Minji didn’t know what to do except for fighting everything inside of her that wanted to break down too. She was their leader and the oldest member. It was her job to take care of them.

Bora’s ankle was not broken, was what the doctor said, but she needed to stay off her feet. And it was that order for Bora to sit still that brought her walls down after she had been staying strong like Minji. Bora was not just crying—she was shaking, big fat droplets falling out of her eyes threatening to drown all of them. Minji selfishly resented it a bit at the moment, that Bora had the luxury of breaking down because Minji was there to catch her when Minji was never going to be afforded the same.

“Minji…” Bora’s watery voice called out for her, and even though they were the same age, at that moment, Minji was her leader and she needed to help her.

“It’s gonna be okay, Bboya.”

“Please, please, please,” Yoohyeon was on her knees in front of her bed, hands clasped tightly in front of her, eyes closed, as she begged the universe, or god or whatever ran this whole messed-up show. She never said please what, but she didn’t have to. Minji heard her and kept her own tears in as she went and wrapped her arms around Yoohyeon, and let her pleas burrow into her chest.

Minji was sometimes jealous of their maknae’s ability to keep her feelings so close to her chest, but the way Dami was just staring at the wall for hours was scaring Minji. She couldn’t see what it was that was calling for the youngest member, but Minji knew it couldn’t be good and she couldn’t let it get to her.

“Dami-yah…”

It was when she saw her parents that Minji lost the impressive control that she had managed to keep on her heart. They hugged her then and assured her that the universe worked in mysterious ways.

Her dad looked upset, but it wasn’t disappointment; it was for her. “We’re always here for you, Minji-yah. From the start, we told you that if things don’t work out that we would welcome you back home with open arms.”

It was always a comforting thought, having a safety net for whenever life decided to be cruel enough to crush her dreams. But just like any professional acrobat, Minji had hoped she would never fall and need it.

“This doesn’t even have to be the end, ttalraemi,” her mom said. “You never know, this could be the start of something you can’t even imagine.”

It felt like it was the end of the world. For her. For the others. Siyeon wasn’t even singing anymore. Minji missed waking up in the morning to her roommate humming some tune or another. Now it was that damn unshakable silence that threatened to suffocate them all.

“The members… they’re not doing so well,” they were the first thought on her mind.

Her mother nodded sympathetically then. “You need to keep taking care of them, sweetheart,” she wiped Minji’s tears away and tucked her hair behind her ears.

They were still a group, and they were still under Happy Face Entertainment. Even if Siyeon wasn’t singing, Bora had to stop dancing, Yoohyeon’s notes were nowhere near high enough anymore, and Dami was now completely checked-out, drowning herself in studying for god knows what.

Minji was still their leader. She had a job to do and she was going to make sure they get through this. Her own heartbreak and shattered beliefs be damned.

End of Flashback

Minji was caught up in her head for the rest of the afternoon, through practice and run-throughs of the music video for filming. They had been quickly swept into talks with Sooyeon and their MV director right after their disastrous meeting with the CEO, so they didn’t have a chance to re-group. And none of them wanted to bring up the discussion while they were at the company, not wanting to leave themselves exposed in a place that was no longer safe for them. So only worried eyes were constantly on her back, but Minji did not doubt that once they get back to Dami’s brother’s home, she was in for a talk for faltering in front of the CEO.

Minji chided herself for that assumption, that the members would be angry about her not being their strong leader when they would just be concerned about her well-being and making sure that she didn’t believe the CEO’s words. But how would she even begin to explain to them that she thought he might be right?

Her hand subconsciously found Yoohyeon’s the moment they exited the company’s building, and Yoohyeon soft smile greeting her was a welcomed relief.

“We made it through today,” Yoohyeon encouraged and received a few heavy sighs in response. Everyone was more mentally exhausted than physically after this day.

Today was feeling like an utter loss to Minji.

When they arrived at the house, Yoohyeon guided her to the backyard away from the rest who went inside.

And in that enclosed space, Minji’s thoughts that she had tried to contain became unraveled.

“Minji…” Yoohyeon called out to her.

Minji was breathing harshly as she paced the garden, her mind in a whirl with the words he said now loud again in her ears, her eyes were being opened up to the thoughts that framed her every action.

“Minji, talk to me,” Yoohyeon pleaded.

Minji stopped in front of Yoohyeon, her chest rising and falling rapidly with the waging internal battle. “I… I think he’s right.”

Yoohyeon didn’t need more clarification. “What are you talking about? He’s a fucking liar—”

Shaking her head, Minji’s vision was clouded by tears. “Not with this. You don’t understand…”

“Then help me understand, because all I see is him trying to manipulate you and you falling for it,” Yoohyeon sounded a bit exasperated.

How could she explain this to Yoohyeon without breaking her image in the younger girl's eyes?

Minji swallowed, “You think too much of me.”

Yoohyeon’s features contorted in confusion.

“You think I’m this good, selfless person—”

“—You are!” Yoohyeon was adamant. “Making some mistakes doesn’t change that, Minji!”

Minji shook her head, a humorless smile painting itself on her face. “You’re not getting it. I would’ve done anything for Dreamcatcher to succeed.”

“All of us wanted Dreamcatcher to succeed—”

“It’s not. the. same.” Minji said harshly, unintentionally.

Yoohyeon looked taken aback then spoke in more measured words, “Just because you’re our leader?”

“Yes,” Minji nodded, feeling a bit calmer that Yoohyeon recognized the difference.

“Explain it to me,” Yoohyeon was trying hard to be patient, it was clear to Minji.

Minji looked away, “The group’s success… it’s my job. I failed once, and I swore to never fail again.”

“What? Failed once… when did—is this about Minx?” Yoohyeon’s eyes widened, and shock was clear on her face as the lead vocalist went silent for a few seconds. “You can’t be serious Minji. That wasn’t your fault—have you been blaming yourself for Minx for all those years?”

Minji couldn’t reply.

“Minji?” Yoohyeon was only a step away from her, turning Minji’s head to face her. “Why are you carrying that on your shoulders? That was out of everyone’s control.”

“I told you guys that hard work would pay off… but no matter what we did we just couldn’t break through. Not as Minx, and not as Dreamcatcher,” she was putting it all out in the open now, the demons that haunted her. It was pointless to hide them from Yoohyeon anymore.

Yoohyeon shook her head, “Minx was just bad luck, bad timing, and bad organization from the company. But Dreamcatcher… Minji, you’ve always been proud of our work, where is this coming from?”

“I am proud of our work, but you can’t tell me you can’t see that whatever we did just seemed like it was not enough. Loss after loss…”

“Just because we didn’t win doesn’t mean we were losing,” Yoohyeon was trying to be gentle, but it seemed like the lead vocalist was caught off guard by Minji’s thoughts. “Can you honestly look at where we were when we debuted and where we were just last comeback and say that that we aren’t succeeding?”

Minji stayed silent. Yoohyeon had a point. Their past selves would be elated at seeing how far they’ve gotten. But then why did she feel like it wasn’t enough?

“I know you want the best for us, Minji, but there is no formula for success. Why are you boxing us in such a narrow definition?”

Minji sat down on the bench, burying her face in her hands as the two sides of the argument wrestle it out in her head. Was it possible to be both proud and disappointed at the same time?

Yoohyeon moved to be right next to her, hand on her back, radiating so much comfort that Minji tried to latch on to ease her troubled heart.

“We were entering our last year of contract…” Minji started.

“But before all this, we and the company wanted to extend our contract,” Yoohyeon pointed out.

Minji stressed, “We are in our last year of the contract and we had reached a plateau with everything, album sales, music video views, charting... And still no wins. Still no footing in our home country.”

“Being consistent is not a bad thing. And maybe we’re just not meant to have that win. That doesn’t mean there aren’t other things that we’re getting better at. Our tours were getting bigger and bigger, almost sold out every time, we’re getting invited to more variety shows—”

“We can do better,” Minji insisted.

“Do you really think that there was something in our power that we weren’t doing?”

Minji swallowed. She would never put this on them.

Yoohyeon startled at the silence, “You think we weren’t giving it our all?”

Minji shook her head quickly, “Not you guys. Me… I am your leader and it was my job to get you there.”

Head tilted, eyebrows furrowed, Yoohyeon was not understanding her.

Minji sighed, “We all gave it our all and we still couldn’t get where we wanted to be. What if… what if the CEO is right? What if I wanted it so badly that I was willing to do things his way?”

“I don’t th—” Yoohyeon seemed to be overwhelmed now that she saw what Minji meant.

“—What if deep down I knew that going the way we were wasn’t going to get us further up any longer? What if I thought that his way would work? What if all this time I thought I had no choice except do what he wanted, but I was really doing it because it would get me what I wanted?” Minji felt like she could throw up.

Her world had already been shaken before by finding out that nothing the CEO was doing was actually about her relationship with Yoohyeon and it was all about money. Now she was figuring out that maybe she had never really been fighting at all.

“Minji,” Yoohyeon grabbed her hand. “Do you really believe this?”

“I don’t know what to believe. I am really not a good judge of anything anymore,” Minji said near tears. Everything in her life felt like it was a lie. She didn’t recognize the person she was anymore.

——————————————————

Yoohyeon was finally starting to grasp the extent of the damage that was done to Minji. It wasn’t just about the traumatic events that happened, there was something that had festered deep within Minji and the CEO pulled it up to the surface and nourished it till it took hold of the leader in a way that was so unimaginable.

Yoohyeon caressed the back of Minji’s hand with her thumb. “So much has happened to you, and I really don’t blame you for being confused and feeling lost. But if you can’t trust yourself, then put your trust in me. He said what he did to mess with your head, Minji. I should’ve seen it before… some of the things you said sounded almost like it was someone else talking. And now I see that it was.” It was coming to her mind now, when Minji had pushed for the comeback saying they needed to capitalize on the attention from the new fans. Those were the CEO’s words, not hers. “This wasn’t just months of blackmailing, it was months of him trying to break you and re-mold you into someone you’re not, playing on every little insecurity you have… I am so sorry that he saw what we didn’t see… how much you carried on your shoulders all these years.”

There were always struggles that Minji had that they weren’t privy to. Or even if they knew about them, Minji never let the members close enough to help her deal with them. When they had started dating, Minji had finally started opening up herself to Yoohyeon in the way the younger had longed for. But it was a slow progress that was hindered by the huge obstacle that the CEO placed between them, and so Yoohyeon never got to see deep enough to uncover this. Minx… they all struggled in the aftermath with open wounds visible to each other, except Minji. She was their leader, their healer, their guide. She never faltered and pulled together the scattered pieces of them till they were Dreamcatcher and whole again. Minji never fell. Or so they thought.

The panic attacks were the first sign of the unrest in Minji’s soul, starting a year after their re-debut, but going untreated for reasons Yoohyeon never knew. The symptoms were hard to miss, but the root cause was never clear to Yoohyeon till now.

Somehow, Minji took the responsibility upon herself and it devolved into something so dangerous, just simmering under her skin, keeping the leader endlessly insecure. Yoohyeon could see it clearly now, the brief look on Minji’s face, every time they had come close to a music show win but it eluded them, which was quickly hidden by a polite smile. Every time Minji pushed them all back to work seemingly unfazed. Every time Minji appeared confident that next time it would work out. It was all just a front.

“Did you never believe any of the things you said to us?” Yoohyeon questioned, feeling completely out of her depth. She knew Minji’s soul, but she evidently didn’t know all the demons that haunted her. “Your words, to keep doing our best, to keep working hard, that we would go up this mountain step by step till we reached the top, were like my bible. I repeated them when I couldn’t sleep, I let them flow through me every time I was feeling discouraged. And I know I am not the only one, the whole group feels the same way. I find it so hard to believe that you were just making things up to get us to keep going.”

“I believed them too…” Minji said, then looked away. “But a part of me always yelled back that it wasn’t enough. That hard work wasn’t enough. That what I was doing then wasn’t enough.”

“Why just you? Why isn’t it that we weren’t doing enough?” Yoohyeon was really trying to understand Minji and make it clear that she wasn’t judging her for her thoughts. Yoohyeon had her own bag of insecurities that her members would yell at her for packing so she wasn’t about to judge Minji for hers.

Minji shook her head, refusing that idea. “Because I saw that you were all doing your best. There was nothing more I could ask of you.”

“But you felt like you were lacking?”

Her eyes were downcast again. Yoohyeon hated it whenever Minji looked away from her defeated like that.

“It feels a bit pointless talking about this now, when we’re fighting to break apart the group,” Minji leaned back in her seat, tears making her eyes sparkle.

“That’s not what we’re fighting for,” Yoohyeon reminded. “We’re fighting to stay together in a way that all of us are safe and happy.”

Minji’s face scrunched in anguish, “Then why do I feel this way?” her hand came in a fist above her heart, tapping a couple of times as if trying to knock the pain away. “Why do I feel like I failed? Why do I feel like I’m leading us down to our end?”

Yoohyeon wrapped her arm around Minji then.

“I wish you would believe me when I say that you, Kim Minji, are the greatest leader we could have asked for,” Yoohyeon said softly. This wasn’t the kind of thing that Yoohyeon could fix with a few words. This guilt had been brewing for years and the CEO somehow knew Minji well enough to take full advantage of it. “But I’m sorry to break it to you, you are only human.”

Minji scoffed, taking it as a joke, but Yoohyeon was serious.

“You are human, and you are only one person. This kind of load you wanted to bear… it’s admirable, truly. And we love you for wanting to do that for us. But it was never your job, Minji,” with her other arm, Yoohyeon took Minji’s hands in hers. “I’m not a leader, and I was never old enough in any group or even among my siblings to understand that kind of responsibility. But I have been led my whole life. And for the part of my life that matters, you have been my leader. And there is no one else in the world I would ever choose instead of you, even with everything that has been happening recently. Having insecurities and being vulnerable, they don’t make you weak.

“I know you always kept your own struggles close to heart because you never wanna burden us, but I wish you would see that all we wanted was to help you through them. When we would see you having a hard time, we wouldn’t think you are weak, we would think you are strong for deciding to stand up and continue moving forward. When you would lean on us, we only ever saw it as a sign that you trusted us to hold you up so you can continue doing your job. I am so sorry that we didn’t see that you never moved past Minx the way you helped us move past it.”

“I just…” Minji sniffled, her tears dropping on Yoohyeon’s hand, “I just wanted to be okay like the rest of you.”

“We were okay because of you, because some of us even got professional help for it, because we had time to process it. You never had that same chance. No one ever told you that you were going to be okay, that everything will work out.”

“My p-parents did…”

Yoohyeon nodded, unable to keep her own tears at bay seeing Minji hurting at the mention of her family especially. “I’m glad they did. You deserved to hear it back then, and you deserve to hear it right now too. Everything will be okay, Minji. We’re gonna get to the other side of this together. And we are here with you every step of the way. Trust yourself and us. Don’t let that bastard get to you.”

Minji leaned on her then, head on Yoohyeon’s shoulder, tiredness rolling off her like waves.

“I know it’s not so simple as you just believing my words. But I’ll repeat it for as long as you need it,” Yoohyeon promised.

“Yoohyeon… did I do what he said because I wanted it?” Minji asked Yoohyeon the question.

“Did any of it feel good, Minji?” Yoohyeon countered. As far as she could tell, Minji hated every bit of attention that she got through the CEO’s methods, even if it put her right on top. The answer was clear to Yoohyeon but Minji was the one that needed to see it.

Minji eventually shook her head. “The last thing that felt right was the collaboration with Sunmi—before… you know…”

Yoohyeon nodded, “Because you had gotten it yourself. You met Sunmi through the fan’s efforts to win you that magazine article and Sunmi wanted to collaborate because she fell in love with your song and saw how talented you are.”

“And you.”

“Me?”

“We worked together on recording the song, away from the company. There was no extra pressure, no eyes on us all the time, just you, me, and the music.”

“And Sunmi,” Yoohyeon joked.

“Who?”

Yoohyeon laughed and was glad to see Minji had a small smile on her face as well.

“I had wondered why you seemed so free at Sunmi’s company even though we were there for work,” Yoohyeon told her. “Now I finally understand.”

Minji hummed.

“Then what he asked for… it wasn’t what you really wanted, was it?” Even though Yoohyeon ultimately answered Minji’s question by asking it back to her, Minji seemed to be relieved. She shook her head, her body relaxing against Yoohyeon.

Yoohyeon leaned her head to the side to rest on top of Minji’s.

She would bring Minji peace, even if it was only a little bit at a time.

—————————————————————

Flashback

3,576.

Something was coiling itself around Minji.

8,346.

Something she couldn’t see but was making her suffocate.

11,268.

It stayed with her, day and night.

Total album sales 23,190.

On stage and off stage.

Not good enough.