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Everyone has their own personal downfalls, a carving piece of themselves that's spiteful and hateful. The part of themselves they wouldn't show to the closet person in their lives, the piece that only comes out after the suns gone down and no one is around to judge them.
That's what this is, his biggest downfall.
His downfall has always been the burning buried deep inside his chest, something that can't be easily fixable by medicine. An angry green bubble that messes up his gut and rips him apart from the inside out.
Jealousy.
He's always been a jealous creature of sorts, finding it rather easy to be jealous of his siblings and old friends, leading himself to believe they were better off than himself, getting better, nicer things.
One of the biggest things he believed, grew quite jealous of, was the thought that his friends had a better family life then his own. Some of them getting the newest electronics and games and almost everything he wanted and begged for. That their parents showered them with anything they might want. Even if deep in his heart he knew that none of their lives were perfect, he was still jealous of it all.
Another was he believed that his siblings just seemed better off than himself, getting all types of things that would never be given to him. Thinking that they were an easy enough comparison to each other, but they never were.
And, he still does that. He still gets jealous of his siblings, well, sibling, he supposes.
George or more affectionately known as Bean when he's small.
He's the newest member to be shown his burning jealousy. That is gotten to the point of travelling down deep enough inside himself to reach Bug and crawl it's way back up.
His throat burns with bile as it feels like he's breathing fire when he's little, the only bits he remembers are all shredded apart by his green, glowing monster that perches up on his shoulder.
A rational brain would tell him that he's seeing a one-sided story folded over by the blurriness of his child brain, but that's the exact problem, now isn't. That he's seeing everything through his child eyes, that a rational brain is impossible for him to achieve because of it.
So, he's jealous.
He'll always be jealous. That's something he can help; it'll always bleed him dry.
Bug let's that green monster glow the brightest, no filter there to stop himself from the worst of his actions. When he's big, jealousy is something easy for him to bite back.
Actually, there isn't anything for him to bite back when he's big, only when he's little. None of his jealousy lingers over when he's big, or even when only Bean is little, it only hangs around when they're both little together.
The unfairness of having to share his Papa's attention with Bean drawls out all the parts he hates most about himself. Bug can be the sweetest boy, just like Bean is, but something about sharing attention breaks something inside of himself.
He doesn't want to share his Papa, green jealousy sitting on his back and whispering inside his ear, it's only a matter of time before the worst is put on show. Until Dream realizes how horrible of a person he truly is and decides against having them both, going back to only caring about Bean.
Jealousy burns him from the inside out, even on his best days.
His jealousy could burn down a forest it he let it lose, and it just might.
It's only a matter of time.
***
Dream runs scattered around the house, hunting down the grocery list that he set down sometime in the last ten minutes.
He retraces his steps, moving backwards from the door into the kitchen, then up the stairs and back down once again. Once back on the solid ground of the bottom floor, he pats his pant pockets, managing to also misplace his keys.
Sap shakes his head from his spot on the couch, laughing at the man's stupidity.
Jiggling from the kitchen bring their attention to the man sitting at the table; George had been eating a sandwich while Dream ran around like a headless chicken.
Dream holds a hand against his chest laughing, moving into the kitchen.
"Papa leaving?" Bean ask, their eyes widening at the slurred speech and frowning boy.
Dream freezes in his movements.
He must've began to slip while eating, little hands reaching forward and grabbing the shiny keys that jingled beautifully. Makes even more sense since George would never be helpful on purpose with something like that, finding it funnier to watch the man run around annoyed.
"Oh, baby, I was going to head to the store." He said finally moving again and crossing farther into the room.
"Leave me?"
"No sweets," he reassured, "Groceries can wait I guess," he sighed beginning to place his stuff on the table.
"Just take him with you," Sap suggest, folding himself into his favourite crease in the couch.
"I didn't want to leave you alone," he spoke, worrying his bottom lip between his teeth.
"It's fine, I'm grown."
"Wasn't what was worrying me."
Sap rolled his eyes at the others worried behaviour, swiping his hand through the air and shrugging. "I'm fine, I don't feel any need to be little right now."
"Are you sure?" he left Bean sitting at the table as he anxiously stepped towards Sap, being extra careful to make sure everything was indeed alright with him.
"I'm fine dude. Bean will like shopping anyway."
"That he does," he agreed, shaking his head fondly.
Shopping with a baby isn't really an easy task, but shopping with Bean is. Dream is more than capable of navigating the little throughout the store and giving him a reward for behaving so well. He's only worried that Sap could slip while he's away.
"Call me if something happens, please?" he asked one last cautious question.
"I got this," he said holding up his phone, 'Hey Siri, call Papa,"
"Okay, calling Papa." Her robotic voice sounded a few moments later.
Dream's phone chimed loudly in his pocket.
He pulls it out to find Sap's contact name on it, the other smug on the couch.
"Okay, smartass." He laughed, twisting on his heels to meet his baby at the kitchen table. "Wanna go shopping with me Bean?"
"Shoppin'?"
"Yeah, we gotta go get some food. I'll get you whatever you want after, okay?" He asked pinching the little's cheek lightly.
Bean nodded his head franticly, holding his arms up towards the man asking to be picked up.
"Let's get you dressed first, then out the door." He told Bean, already heading towards the stairs.
He left the little's plate abandoned on the table; he'll clean it up later.
They walk back down the stairs not too long after then, Dream still holding Bean in his arms as he grabs the list once more. They both wave bye to Sap as they leave out the front door.
He waves goodbye back, left alone in the house just the way he likes.
Being alone is great, just so peaceful.
A couple of hours passed by, the sky darkening outside before Sap heard the front door unlocking.
He pulls away from his phone long enough to see Dream walk in with a passed-out Bean hanging off his shoulder. He takes careful steps forward, resting the little on the couch before creeping towards the front door.
Sap inhales deeply, a fire burning in his chest at the sight of it, eyes glued to Dream's body. He wishes he'd just gone upstairs first, not seen them come inside at all.
He hits his head against the back of the couch before forcing himself to stand and walk outside to help Dream.
Dream has bags lining up his arms as he rushes past, Sap trudging along the sidewalk to the back of the car. He picks up a few heavy bags, finger pushing one open in the process and noticing a toy of some kind inside it. As his eyes scan over the remaining bags, he finds it to be the same for all of them. Many scattered bags with different toys, all of which he knows are meant for Bean.
He bites back on his fiery jealousy more as he turns to take the bags in his hands inside. Passing by Dream once more, more annoyed than he had been before. He huffs placing the bags down before carelessly rummaging through them and putting things in their rightful place.
He must've been too loud as Dream began shushing him as he walked back inside.
He rolled his eyes, quieting his actions as they both finished putting away the grocery's.
Bean was taken away from the living room, Dream presumably putting the little to bed before stumbling back down the stairs again. He takes the bags they left untouched and drop them in the middle of the room, tossing down a wicker basket as well.
Dream sits down with all the toys surrounding him, a bag pulled next to his lap as he unboxes things and rips off tags.
Sap watches him from a distance as he pulled out all different types of things made perfect for a little kid. A bag or two had soft plush toys, the type with soft fur and that would be amazing wrapped around arms. He pulled out smaller space items too, like the different rattles that make the pretty dingle noise.
He watches with careful eyes as he creeps closer.
Next were wooden blocks, the type with letters and numbers so you can spell words out. He likes the clacking sound they make when they hit each other as he bag falls into the basket. Dreamie also pulled out blocks meant for stacking mainly, they're bright colors, a nice shiny red stares back at him.
"What's all this for?"
He sighs, shaking his head as he rips the tag off a white rabbit.
"I just couldn't say no to Bean. I tried, but just couldn't do it, don't got the heart too."
Sap's heart sinks a little, all of it for Bean, of course it is.
"Oh, all of it?" he likes toys too.
"Umm... I'm not really sure, I think he might've gotten something for Bug, but no idea. Plus, you two can share them anyway."
His chest stings in jealousy; why does he have to share the toys? Why can't some of them be just his?
Papa loves Bean more anyway, that's why he got him all the stuff and nothing just for himself.
Dream sets a doll on the ground, a little baby swaddled in pink.
Sap can feel the fuzziness beginning to fully set in, reaching over and grabbing it.
He giggles to himself as he bounces it up and down in his arms, zoning out to his surroundings as Dream stares at him curiously.
"You okay?" he ask, hand touching his arm lightly.
Bug blinks his eyes a few times, pushing away the small thoughts and forming his big voice again.
"Yeah, tired," it came out pitcher than it normally would, hopefully Papa doesn't think too much of it, "I'm gonna go to bed."
"Do you wanna cuddle with me and Bean?" he offered, hoping the boy would take it.
He doesn't as he shakes his head, "No thanks." He pushed up on his knees, taking a moment to steady his balance on such unsteady legs. The doll slips from his hands as he holds it above the wicker basket and heads over towards the stairs.
He managed to push the fuzziness away long enough to make it into his room before he began breaking down sobbing and falling onto his bottom. His fingers twist into his long strands, tugging until he feels a familiar sting and cries out louder.
His cries are muffled by the foam around his room, placed there for his recording and streaming, giving him the perfect opportunity to cry as loud as he might please.
He lets go off his hair, pushing himself across the floor and crawling under his covers. His thumb crawls inside his mouth as cold tears run down his face.
Even though he was offered it, the falls asleep cold, crying, and alone.
Bean gets everything.
And those words are eating him alive.
***
They had both slipped early that morning, both feeling incredibly small after a stream that went downhill fast the night before.
Dream was ecstatic to have both of his boys around, when both of them are small it creates some of his favorite days, if not a bit difficult at the same time.
Today, however, didn't seem like it would be the good day that Dream had been wanting.
Something had felt off from the very beginning, something he couldn't quite place his finger on. He tried not to worry as the strived to make it a good day nonetheless.
They had already eaten breakfast when he stumbled upon George slipping, the boys trembling fingers picking through the toys just looking at what he couldn't remember getting.
Being half-regressed gave him enough bravery to actually look and touch them, instead of when he's big and refuses to even look in the basket's direction.
It was a rather easy transition, his shoulders relaxing as the comfort of his Papa brought out Bean. The little fumbled pulling out the bag with wooden blocks, asking Papa to join him and help him spell out words.
Papa taught him how to spell out both his name and his brothers.
Bug was far more complicated, the boy boarding himself away in his room as he refused to go ask for help.
He stumbled into his bedroom after he ate breakfast, slamming the door and tumbling down to the ground. He didn't want help from Papa, he's a big boy and should be able to do all of it by himself. Shouldn't need the help of his Papa.
Dream heard the thud of his fall from downstairs, worried as he knocked softly on the boys door.
His room was a state when he opened it, everything thrown across the room and a mess. Then the sight of his crying boy sitting in the middle of the floor.
He scooped the boy up, kissing his cheek as he held him tightly to his chest. They can worry about the other stuff later as Dream shut his door and left with him towards his bedroom.
He wiped the snot and tears away from the boy's face, cooing at him. Bug didn't speak, but that was okay, his big smile told Papa that everything was okay for the time being.
Even if everything seemed to be okay, Dream still couldn't help but worry as Bean meet them in his room. All three of them curling around each other on the bed, resting their eyes for a little bit.
That was a couple hours ago, it's dinnertime now.
Dream's back is turned, eyes flicking over his shoulder every couple of seconds to check the boys and make sure they're okay, as he cooks them dinner. It isn't something he'd usually make for them when little, but if they hate it then big them will eat the leftovers and he'll fix something different. Don't judge him, the meat needs to be cooked and tacos are easy, sue him if you must.
Both boys are sitting on the carpet, a movie playing on the tv that they lost interest in a long time ago.
Bug pulled out the stacking blocks, building up castle walls around himself as Bean shuffles around the toys in the wicker basket.
Bug's eyes grow wide, dropping the block from his hands and hitting over the walls of his castle.
Bean picked up the doll, his doll.
He crawls forward, yanking the doll away from his brothers hands.
"Mine!" Bean shouted, grabbing at the doll.
"No!" he screamed back.
Their shouting was muffled by the sound of the ground beef cooking in the pan in front of Dream, eyes focusing on the meat and willing it to be cooked faster already tired of standing around.
Bean manages to snag it away from Bug's hands, the doll pulled away to his chest.
Bug follows after the motion, teeth biting against the skin of Bean's wrist. The boy drops the doll as he screams out in pain, finally catching the attention of their Papa. Dream shifts the pan to a cold eye, turning off the one he was using as he crosses into the living room.
Bug is smug, picking the doll back up and holding it protectively in his arms once more, victorious.
Dream briefly jogs over, hardly more than a couple long strides and scooping the crying boy up from the floor.
"What happened?" he asked looking between the two confused.
"Bug bite me!" he sobbed hiding his face and holding out his wrist with clear bite marks.
Dream takes it in his hands, thumb rolling over the marks and placing a kiss to make the baby feel better.
"Bug, did you bite your brother?"
Teardrops bubble up in his eyes from being caught, dropping the doll to the floor, and pushing it away in fear.
"No..."
"Are you telling the truth?" he asks eyeing his bite marks again, "I need you to tell me the truth," he said meeting the boy at his level.
Guilt flashes behind the boys eyes as his lip wobbles and contemplation settles his face.
His tears break, "I bite bubba!" he blabbered truthfully, all tears.
"Thank you for telling the truth," he sighed, hating what his next words had to be, "but I think you need a timeout to give yourself time to think about why you don't bite your brother."
"No timeout Papa," he cried, tiny fish rubbing his eyes.
"Yeah, baby." He said trading one baby for the other.
He decides to not put the boy far, still within his eyesight as he sets a three-minute timer.
During the time, Dream helps clean Bean's wrist up and make sure the boy was okay. After a couple more tears, Bean turned back into his smiley baby, not really in pain, more of a shock from being bitten.
Bug's own tears calmed down, a few still rolling down his face as he sniffled. Dream crossed the room towards him as the timer sounded off.
He bent down in front of his boy.
"Hey, ready to talk about it?" he asked, patting the boy on his knee.
"I sowwy, Papa."
"I know baby, but it's not me you need to say that too."
"Hug?" he ask still a little tearful, Dream opens his arms in response.
Dream soaks up the moment before needing to pull back from the boy, holding the back of his head.
"Now, why shouldn't you bite your brother?"
"I get in trouble?"
Dream chuckled fondly, "Yeah, that, and why else?"
"Hurt bubba?"
"Correct, you hurt bubba. We do not bite people; we use our words and if you can't do that then you get Papa to help you."
"Yes Papa."
"Thank you, baby, now what do you say to Bubba?" he ask noticing how Bean crawled in their direction, sitting only a couple feet behind his Papa.
"I sowwy Bean." He told him, opening his arms.
Bean crawled over, wrapping himself in the others arms.
Dream's heart aches at it all, never needing to do a punishment before. He hates it, but he also knows that biting isn't something he should let slide either. He's conflicted, but already promised to do right by his boys, he's keeping that promise.
He finishes up dinner with Bug in his arms, sitting high on his hip. He's extremely cautious of the boy and stove, working quickly to finish it up.
It gets done in the end and they eat, both boys loving the tacos.
He cringes as he thinks about his actions from the past few days, only remembering the jealous bits that flood his mind. Dream filled in the gaps for him, an embarrassed flush took over his face as his head hung in shame.
He's really been a brat, hasn't he? To Bean, no less.
The guilt's been eating at him since he found out about him biting Bean, a whispered apology to his friend even if the other couldn't remember it either.
He hadn't meant to be a brat and he definitely hadn't meant to hurt George.
He decides he wants to apologize again, but this time in writing. Writing has always felt more serious and official, that's what he wants to do.
He grabs paper from his printer, followed by some old half dyed out markers he stuffed into one of his desk drawers a long time ago. He steadies his hand as he begins to draw across the page, it isn't what he set out to do, but his brain began to feel fuzzy and the colors just look so nice.
He draws George's goggles, and Papa's blob character, writing across the page in shaky handwriting his apologizes. It's messy, misspelled words scattered across the page as he continues to color it in using red and orange and blue. His green's completely dried out which made him pout, but the red looks nice in its place.
He grins with pride as he stares down at his masterpiece, stumbling out of his chair and towards the stairs to give it to his Papa.
The stairs edge scare him, causing him to fall back on his butt instead.
He decides to scoot down the carpeted stairs on his butt, finding it a safer and easier travel.
He makes his way almost all the way down, stopping on the third step from the bottom and hugging close to the railing as he watches Papa hover over his brother.
"Alright baby, let's give you a bath," he said scooping him up from the floor and into his arms.
Papa's distracted as he takes Bean off towards the downstairs bathroom, the one with the biggest bathtub in the house.
He slides down the rest of the way, pushing his socked feet onto the floor and standing.
Papa didn't even notice him.
He stomps his foot angrily against the floor, tears leaking down his face as he rips the card to shreds and tosses it onto the ground.
He looks over the scrapes on the floor before wiping at his face and crawling his way back up the stairs and towards his bedroom.
Papa loves Bean more!
He slams his door as best he can, falling onto his butt once more with crossed arms as he heaves a cry from his chest. His head is slung backwards as he cries.
He doesn't know how long it's been, his tears drying as he has none left to fall. A soft knock sounds on his door, his body flinching at the sudden noise as he turns to burn fire into the wood.
"What?" his little voice cracks, broken apart by his crying.
"Bug? Can we talk baby?" his Papa asked sweetly through the door.
"No!" he shouted stubbornly, throat burning from the rawness. "Go way!"
"Please baby? I found the nice card you made me, and I just wanna make sure you're okay."
The same guilt from before bubbles up in his chest as he reaches up to pull the door open, scooting back away from its swing. Papa's already crouched down with his arms outstretched when the door fully opens.
Bug jumps forward at the sight of it, sobbing into his Papa's arms.
"I sowwy Papa."
"Why?" he whispered back holding his tightly.
"Wuined the card I made you."
"That's okay baby, you can always make another," he suggested. "Did you have a big emotion that made you rip it?"
The boy nodded his head but didn't farther explain.
Dream didn't push him too either, the both of them holding each other tight until the other let go first.
Dream held onto his little boy until he pushed back, looking up into his Papa's eyes.
"Does Papa love Bean more?" he questioned cocking his head to the side.
Dream shattered at his words, heart squeezing at his broken boys face.
"Is that what's been going on? You thought I loved Bean more?"
He nods his head tearfully, still with his missing teardrops.
Dream sighs as he fully sits on the ground, pulling his boy into his lap.
"Baby," he spoke holding the little's face, "it's impossible for me to love one of you more than the other. You are both my little boys and I love you equally."
He hums, but his Papa's sweet words don't stop the stinging in his chest from his lingering jealousy.
"You might not believe me now little one, but I can promise you it's true."
Nothing else gets said.
It takes a while for anything to happen, the both of them stay sitting on the floor for a long while. Dream's legs have slightly gone numb, and Bug's eyes have begun to droop sleepily.
"Ready for bed little one?" Dream hummed, large hand running up and down his back.
Bug nodded his head, squeezing his arms around his Papa's neck. Dream laughed as he stood, leaning against the doorframe to give himself a moment to let his circulation flow once more.
He put the boy on his hip, shutting off his light and stopping in the bathroom to wipe down his face.
Bean is already curled up in Dream's bed, fast asleep as the two quietly make it farther into the room. Bug is set down in the middle of the bed, giving Dream time to change his own clothes and crawl into bed with his babies.
Once Dream is laying on his back, Bug curls up as humanly possible to him, basically laying halfway on top of him. The light gets shut out as Dream huffs, letting sleep consume both of them.
His jealousy really is going to get the best of him.
It'll always be his biggest downfall.
They sleep, a Bean, an extremely jealous Bug, and their Papa.