Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

A nightmare. That is what you were living through right now as you frantically raced around the streets yelling for your dear, your love, your angel. Your sister was operating on the same frantic frequency, scrambling after you. Unfortunately for her, your adrenaline had already kicked in so you were running at a pace that could rival that of an Olympic athlete, leaving her in the dust.

You had already searched the house top to bottom for him. And much to your dismay, your beloved, your darling, your sweetheart- he was gone. Amaryllis, your sister, had been quick to try and calm you down and assure you that he couldn't have gone far, that he wouldn't have gone far. He was not a picky boy and though he enjoyed his time outside he was quite reasonable in waiting for you to wake up before he left the house. To let you both know that he was still around, that he wasn't leaving for good.

Maybe it was just the shock and the fear of not knowing where he was this time, but a part of you was truly terrified that he would never come back. That he would get sick of you and never return. You had hurriedly pleaded with Amaryllis to whip up some missing posters for him just in case, or even to phone to police- anything- as you pulled on your shoes (untied) and made haste for the door. She had tried to assure you that it wasn't that serious. But in your mind, it was nothing but serious and maybe that was just the abandonment issues talking but he was gone. Nowhere to be found! You hadn't even made him breakfast yet-

Oh god- what if he was starving? Hit by a car? Dehydrated? And it was all your fault! You hadn't given him enough attention or affection. What if he was dead!? A world without him would be too heart-breaking to live! How would you ever get through it? What if- oh noes- what if he didn't want you anymore?? You hadn't fed him enough- you hadn't loved him enough- so he went to someone else.

Just imagining him cuddled up in the arms of some stranger made your heart seize with abject terror and overwhelming sadness. Tears blurred your vision, though it could've been the winds stinging your gaze as you zipped into the nearby park, or it could've been your intense emotions.

Just when had he left the house? In the middle of the night? Earlier this morning? You recalled the heart-wrenching ache you felt throughout your whole body the moment you called for him and he wasn't laid out on the couch. It wasn't too unusual to awaken to him not cuddled up next to you. But Amaryllis said she hadn't seen him that morning, that he wasn't in her room either. And despite your distressed and feverish searching, you had come up with no results. He was nowhere to be found. Nowhere.

The sun beat down on you. It was a particularly hot spring day towards the tailwinds of May. April was slowly easing out. The flowers were in bloom, the grass emerald green and sparkling with a light dew. It was barely 6:00 a.m. Nobody was awake at this time, so surely nobody could've kidnapped him and there were no signs of forced entry into the house.

But what if someone had? The thought made you physically pause in your tracks, sweat streaming down your face from the heat and the exercise, What if they got in somehow? An open window? An unlocked door? They just walked right in and...

You clenched your fists, an unknown fury you only had in relation to family, friends, and loved ones seeping through every one of your pores. In the shade of the trees, you could see the glow of your eyes. Unnatural. Bright pink verging on magenta from the intensity of the anger flowing through you. You needed to breathe. You needed to think. And you did just that as you wilted against the bark of a thick, broad tree. You had stuck to the jogging track, thankfully. At least in your haste, you hadn't gotten lost.

Tears were in your eyes and alone in the park, you allowed yourself to cave and release a few pitiful tears. You wanted so badly to prove to your little big sister that your first instinct wasn't always to violence but that was proving to be very difficult with all the possible threats to the people you cared about the most.

Zephyr had been about two years younger than you in high school, so when the bullying happened you and your oldest (but still younger than you) brother had been fiercely protective of her. A part of you still felt guilty for beating the ever-loving shit out of the few bullies that decided getting physical was the only way to make someone feel inadequate (and it worked, but sometimes you would've preferred it if they stuck to words. At least then the wounds they made could've been somewhat mended with the togetherness of siblinghood and loving words) but you felt less guilty for said bullies and more for Zephyr who had to witness it happen at least four times.

Each time more ruthless than the last. But that wasn't totally your fault. Juniper (the oldest little brother) had always had anger issues. You were more methodical with your physical attacks but he was sloppy and only cared about causing harm, not how that harm was caused. He was better now, mostly over that part of his life. But Zephyr still didn't trust either of you completely. And maybe she was right to feel that way because the very idea that someone had stolen your lovely, beautiful, amazing darling made your blood boil in vicious ways you thought only possible of a serial killer.

That visceral, all-encompassing anger that you remembered vividly from childhood. Every time someone put their hands on your dear siblings or said something rude- your father and his drunken rages that he directed towards your dearest baby sister, Amaryllis... it was that bloodlust, that wrathful urge to spill someone's guts out on the street and watch as they died slowly as blood pooled beneath them. The need to remove every joy from their life so they could never be happy again- so that the very soul would be sucked out from them until they had nowhere else to turn but the bottom of a bottle, just like your deadbeat father.

It had been with you ever since someone threw the first stone at Juniper. And it was still with you, now, in your clenched fists, surging through each heartbeat and tearing through your strained muscles as adrenaline continued pumping through you.

But you calmed. Clammy, awkward pyjamas clinging to you and untied shoelaces smacked restlessly against the ground. You inhaled a deep inhale and leaned down to tie them, trying to distract yourself from your hands shaking from malice and the red in the edges of your slowly unfocusing vision that seemed to pulsate with more and more vile intent.

You were an adult now and you hated hurting people. It was wrong, even you knew it. You didn't want to want to want that for others. It was hard not to, but you could control yourself. You had to and you would. Perhaps Amaryllis was right, anyways. Maybe he hadn't gone too far. Maybe he still loved you and wanted to stay and just went on a morning walk. It wasn't too unusual, anyways. After all, domesticated or not, he was still a cat through and through.

"Garrett... where are you...?" Your voice was shaky from the tears but you willed yourself to be strong and wiped down your face with two, trembling four-fingered hands.

You tried to convince yourself you were shaking from the adrenaline and not from the fact your cat- who was an animal that liked going outside as most animals do- left the house without your knowledge. Surely cats did that all the time and you were just getting emotional over nothing. You had been panicking and it was time to come down.

With a deep sigh and a sniffle, you turned to make your exit from the park. Your hair was a mess, untamed and frazzled from the panic and you had to walk your sister to school in an hour or so. Garrett would return. He was a good boy and a fantastic cat. Very cuddly and friendly.

After three of your siblings fled the nest all at the same time, it was like there was an empty space left behind in your heart and home. So, you filled that space with a cute kitten who you had raised for a good couple of years. Amar took a great liking to the cute boy, although Vrisea wasn't so engaged. But that was to be expected. They were always too independent and never liked having something to take care of. So when they moved out as soon as they turned eighteen it wasn't unexpected and even though it was difficult to accept at first, having Garrett there helped a lot. It made coping easier.

You took a tactical retreat instead of going deeper into the park. You began your sulking journey back to the house where your sister was probably waiting, worried sick. You could almost see her slumped, blurry visage sat on the porch, clinging to her phone, waiting for you in fear and concern. That would be your fault, too, and a dreadful pang hit your heart.

'You're such a terrible person...' You scolded yourself, 'Worrying your sister over nothing. Garrett is a cat and he always comes home at some point. He's never left for more than a day and he won't be gone for more than a day, now.'

Even with your worries about his health plaguing your mind, the idea of hurting your sister was enough to overtake that concern with guilt. The walk of shame was something you had never experienced before, only heard about it from patrons at your place of employment. But after Ciel's many stories you got the idea that you finally understood. Exiting through the gate of fuzzy rusted metallic hues, you passed by a couple figures at a bus stop whose heads shot up as you passed

They were likely eying you wearily, although you couldn't see the details of their faces and clothes. Nor did you stay looking at them too long, afraid they'd catch you squinting and staring in their direction. You averted your bashful eyes to the ground. You imagined they understood, too. And they likely had already made their judgements about your predicament.

You had been running down the jogging track of the park and so when someone in a florescent pink tracksuit passed you by, blurred white hair brushing by and fluttering in the wind, it didn't surprise you much. What did surprise you was the name that the owner of the hair spoke as she stopped just ahead of you and turned around, seemingly in disbelief. Your name. You hadn't even recognised her immediately just from the flash of her clothes and hair. But her voice had prompted that familiarity.

Your eyes had been cast down at the ground so you were a little startled to hear the familiar voice ring through the air. Your head snapped up to attention as you cautiously approached them. Your previous relaxed, disheartened walk turned into more of a careful advance forward. Surely enough, the lady you had just been thinking about was ahead of you and gradually got clearer as you approached. Her silky, blank hair was tied back, earrings taken out (although her face piercings were still in) and her curvy body locked behind pink tracksuit pants and a baggy, unzipped jacket to match which showed her sports bra beneath.

"Oh! Miss Ciel..."

"How many times have I said you can just call me Lucy?" She questioned with a smirk.

You didn't know a lot about your common patron, just that she preferred to go by her first name and only that. In public, she liked to go by 'Ciel' and she only allowed friends to call her 'Lucy'.

"It's just a trust thing," She had told you, after taking a sip from her vodka cranberry, "My full first name is Luciel but my mom would call me 'Lucy'. So, it's just too intimate for a stranger to call me. You get it, dontcha?"

"Yeah..." You weren't sure you understood at the time, and when she asked you to call her Lucy about a month later you were sure you understood even less.

"Besides, 'Ciel' sounds more mysterious and seductive. It really pulls people in. I mean, 'Lucy' is just normal. But Ciel is short and sweet. What's the word... not posh, but..."

She had snapped her fingers in an attempted to remember. You had just the word for her. People in high school didn't call you a 'walking dictionary' for nothing, after all.

"Decadent?"

"Right. You always know what to say..." She punctuated her enigmatic pause with an all too familiar smirk, "It draws people in and it's definitely a name a lot of people would love to moan in bed, right?"

She had given you that half-lidded look she usually gave people she wanted to take home with her. You had awkwardly turned your attention somewhere else. You didn't know much about all that stuff so you just shrugged non-committally, playing off how embarrassed you were by her statement.

"I guess so..." If you're a weird Black Butler anime fan, that is...

Before she had just been flirty on a whim, you assumed. She liked flirting with everyone and was quite vulgar in both her everyday speech and her storytelling. And she had a lot of sexually explicit stories to tell. However, over time, you saw her demeanour change towards you. What used to be a simple pick-up line that you could laugh and shake your head at over the bar as you passed her her usual order became more intimate as she'd purposefully brush her fingers over yours.

She would no longer retreat to a table further away from the bar every once in a while to let someone approach her or anything. She hovered over at the bar every time she entered and never left the barstool at the very end of the row.

"Ciel is too formal now that we're friends..." But her look said that she wanted something else, "The 'Miss' part can stay, though."

The wink she gave you was suggestive and you resolved at that moment that you'd never call her anything of the sort again just to spite her. You aimlessly held her gaze a bit, as if to communicate your defiance in some way. Well, if that's what you were trying to accomplish, you definitely failed. She looked amused by it, though.

"I'm just used to calling you Ciel, that's all," You replied to her, passively, "Sorry."

There was very little you knew about her personal life in recent times. Otherwise, you knew plenty about her college days and you knew plenty about her sexual history and current sex life. After all, sharing her sexual endeavours was her favourite pass time when she was drunk off her ass.

Not that you minded too much. Sex was just a thing people did. If someone had shared such things with you a couple years ago you might've retreated into your shell and started blushing like crazy, but after walking in on people screwing in the bathrooms as many times as you have, you start to become desensitised to it.

"I don't make you nervous, do I?" She sent a blurry wink your way and you instinctively started inspecting a building nearby and pretending to be interested in it as you hesitantly came closer.

She did make you nervous. But you weren't about to tell her that. Lord knows she'd get some sort of sick joy from it.

"Haha, no..." You laughed nervously.

As much as you were waiting for the right one to come along and sweep you off your feet in a heated night of passion, that didn't mean you were against hearing other people's experiences. Besides, a part of you found the intimate subject daring and most intriguing to listen to. Maybe it was the fact that it was typically a taboo subject around certain people. Ciel or... Lucy's ability to share as much as she wanted about it was almost admirable.

A few times she had asked you to exchange stories with her as payback for all the entertainment she gave you with her own. You had refused every time, brushing it off with a joke about how she had chosen to share it with you unprompted- too embarrassed to admit that you had two stories at the most, both completely uninteresting and totally pathetic.

"You don't sound so sure about that," She teased.

You had shared some stories about other people's happenings in the bathroom or any other public space you had happened across where it was occurring, which seemed to temporarily satiate that huger of hers. But you hadn't shared either story of your own personal experience.

"I'm just not used to seeing patrons outside of the bar. I'm not exactly in my element right now... as you can see," You gestured to your pyjamas as you joined her side.

"Oh, I can see alright..." Her eyes raked over your form shamelessly- she didn't even bother to hide the fact that she was checking you out, "You look cute in that. You wearing something sexy underneath?"

"Ciel!" You cried indignantly and immediately folded your arms around your stomach.

"Alright, alright, fine!" She grinned wolfishly like you were her dinner and you tried to distract yourself by calming your breathing, "That doesn't answer my question, though."

"Dude..." Your tone held more authority this time, and she laughed, much to your chagrin.

"I'm kidding, my dude! I'm kidding!" She said with a smile that told you she was telling only a half-truth.

Regardless, she finally dropped the issue and that was all you really wanted out of life. Talking to her outside of work made you anxious enough all on its own. You didn't need to be talking about things that made you anxious on top of that. Thankfully, Luciel knew her boundaries and she knew when to stop even if she didn't always do it straight away. She saw it as teasing between friends. You... you weren't sure exactly what you saw it as. You just knew it was all in good fun on her part and that was enough for the time being.

Suffice to say she had a lot more experience (and a lot more good experiences) than you had in the sexual/relationships department. But she was kind otherwise and sex stories were not the only stories she shared. As someone who had never attended college, hearing all the stories about her wild sorority and all the parties she attended, all the drama and all the late nights she spent with friends were fun and they were some of your favourites.

"You just ignored me earlier, though. What was that about?"

"It's just that... I didn't see you..." You replied, honestly.

You were trying to relax your tense muscles from all that running around and that fear. You usually went on morning jogs but you never remembered seeing Luciel on any of them. Probably because you just did them on different days and maybe at different times.

You had a feeling Luciel wouldn't let you off like that anymore if she knew and would be actively seeking you out. You just hoped to divert her attention to any other topic, because if she suggested that you two jog together on mornings, you likely wouldn't be able to refuse out of sheer politeness.

"I didn't see you either," She had a smirk on her face as she spoke an obvious lie and looked you up and down like you were some kind of meal, "But now I do. And you wanna know what I think, my dude?"

'No...' You shook your head instead of saying it outright, but she paid absolutely no mind to your rejection.

"I think I like what I see."

It made you visibly shudder and then cringe as you realised she had definitely noticed. That shit-eating grin was back. She had to be taking some joy in this. If she just wanted free drinks then she was really laying it on thick for free drinks. Then again, she always said she never liked leaving things half done. That didn't mean she didn't leave things half done all the time. She just said she didn't like doing so. Maybe she was getting some sort of sick twisted joy out of it. You wouldn't have put it passed her. It was Ciel you were talking about here.

"You're being weird..." You gave her a glare and she automatically laughed in response.

"You're the one running around in your pyjamas," She pointed out with a quirked brow, "You shouldn't do that if you don't want people to get an eyeful. It's not a sight people see every day so it's bound to catch some eyes. It definitely caught mine..."

You rolled your eyes. You hated to admit it but she did have a point. People didn't normally run around like a mad person in their pyjamas so it would make anyone look at you. But she didn't stop there.

"I could definitely get used to you like this, though."

You sighed. Thankfully, it was such a silly and unbelievable comment that you weren't in the least bit flustered by it. Nobody wanted to see you in your pyjamas. They were cupcake pyjamas and you were probably sweating through them, too. Or maybe that was just your forehead, which you wiped with the back of your hand.

It was her heavy gaze as you silently ducked away from the people at the bus stop, leaving them in the dust as you took in the spring morning, that really made you awkward around her. Interested or not, Ciel was a pretty girl who was persistent in shooting her shot with you. That was enough reason to be a little intimidated by her.

"Rough night?" She asked you, conspiratorially as you sped up a bit, but she kept in pace with you, walking at your side.

One thing was for certain. Even if you had had that sort of evening, you wouldn't have told her. Another patron at the bar had made the mistake of mentioning it briefly and Ceil had poured out the questions nonstop. Poor Jess got overwhelmed with it, predictably.

"No," You said quickly- an automatic response to the brief slew of memories replaying through your absent mind.

"I find that hard to believe," The woman with hot pink eyes bared her teeth, deviously, "You're in your pyjamas outside. You're telling me you weren't just keeping someone's bed warm and didn't bring any other clothes?"

You remembered it vividly. It was only their third conversation in the bar but you got the idea that they had talked outside of it, too, on some occasions. You had the displeasure of listening to Ceil completely out all of the poor girl's kinks, give her sexual advice and her number in case she needed help 'experimenting'.

Jess didn't return to the bar for a good two weeks afterward but when she did, she was utterly embarrassed to be around Ceil. Apparently, she wasn't expecting to see her there. Ceil had helpfully pointed out that they had spent a good while getting to know each other before Jess had taken her up on her offer and now the poor girl was going through some sort of crisis because she had never been into girls before and wanted a serious relationship, which Ceil wasn't as interested in.

"Who's house would I wear my pyjamas in if I was planning to have intercourse?" You asked with squinted eyes, this time not because you couldn't see her but because you were pulling a face.

Ciel was thoroughly entertained.

"A sexy 'just friend' that you were having a sleepover with?"

"Why wouldn't I bring an extra set of clothes in that case?"

"Hmm... alright, touché. But if you didn't just have hot, sweaty sex and you're outside in your sweaty pyjamas for other reasons, then you've caught my interest..." Her seductive grin danced across her soft lips again, "In more ways than one."

The break in conversation allowed you to go back to your previous thoughts. You remembered things with Jess so clearly because you had to comfort her in the bathroom when she was drunk and throwing up everywhere.

Well, you didn't have to, but you had wanted to. Jess had come to the bar many times before to unwind from her dead-end office job. She had spent many drunken nights talking about how her dream job was dead, how she just gotten dumped by her boyfriend who she thought she was going to marry and how her asshole parents were always pressuring her to come back home.

Jess was sweet. It wasn't Ceil's fault that she broke down after a rejection. Besides it had been months since that time, and Jess was far better now (still awkwardly avoiding her but better, to say the least) but even still, Ceil could read people like an open book. You were intent on keeping your book closed.

"I just rushed out of the house in a hurry. My cat ran off..." You spoke absently, mind still on Jess with a slight frown.

When you turned back to Ciel, you weren't too surprised to see her scrutinising your face for any signs of a lie.

"Sounds like an excuse to me."

"If I had said anything except 'I just had the wildest sex with our manager and had to do a runner from his house to hide from his wife' then you would've thought it was an excuse," You rolled your eyes, sardonically.

She snickered but took it in stride. After all, you were right and even she knew it.

"Well, did you?" Her tone was clearly joking as you gave her a glare that told her everything she needed to know, "Chill, I was just kidding!"

"I can never tell with you."

"Oh, c'mon. I don't have that low of an opinion of you, my dude," Her opinion didn't matter... but still, ouch, "I know you have higher standards than that dusty old fuck. And he's not married, either. No wedding ring."

She wiggled her fingers as if to prove a point but also in a salacious way as if to catch your eyes. It didn't work because you barely even noticed it except from your peripheral. She wasn't disheartened by it, though.

"He is married," You knew that for a fact, "He just doesn't wear his ring around you because he knew you'd notice."

It was true. Another patron had pointed out his ring once before when completely shit-faced. They had chatted about his wife for a while as he made those dumb boomer "I hate my wife" jokes and jokes about how awful it was to be tied down in marriage. After that, he always took off his ring before trying to chat up any women at the bar.

There was an obvious, annoyed expression plastered on your face. After all, you hated cheaters and the way they hurt people they were supposed to care about the most. You would never hurt any of your siblings in such an awful way and you would never dream of cheating on a partner.

Your agitation seemed to pull a grin on her face and dread pooled in your stomach when you realised why. You had mistakenly spoken in a skeptical and clipped tone. It was supposed to come across as a bad attitude towards your manager for being unfaithful. However, for someone looking for any signs of interest, of course, it would come off as-

"Is that jealousy I hear?" Ciel sounded scandalised, looking for something that wasn't there.

Your shoulders sagged, tiredly. You were so, so tired. Not just from the interaction, but also from the late nights forced down your throat. The manager wasn't just an asshole to his wife, but to his employees.

With or without the ring, however, he had the collective good looks of a naked mole rat and a blowfish. He definitely looked like an old geezer and no girls wanted him. It was a wonder how he even got married in the first place. It brought a smile to your face to see assholes like him get their comeuppance in some way. He may have wanted to cheat on his wife with a younger lady, but karma had turned his face into some sort of traffic accident and so no younger lady would ever dream of it (except Lindsey fucking Rodgers but she was the worst anyways...).

The thought kept you warm at night.

"Nope. He's just an asshole and I don't like him."

"I don't believe you," She sang, clearly pleased with her assessment as though it were the be all, end all.

You decided not to fight her on it for now. At least she eased off on calling you out for a sex life that wasn't there. She was content with believing that you had a crush on her and that was that. But it was better than having her make jabs at you for your abstinence.

"Whatever you want to think," You decided, running a hand through your hair to convey some level of stress, "I've been looking for Garrett everywhere, though. It makes me anxious to not know where he is."

"So there really is no sex life in there," She gently prodded your arm making you look at her with a light glare.

Not from the poke, but because you had been focused on your cat again and she changed the subject. Garrett was important to you and she just didn't care. Apparently, your look was enough to get her to ease off a little.

"And I thought you were about to get more interesting," She sighed, dramatically, "I share all my sex stories with you but you never have anything to share with me."

It was good that Ciel enjoyed her sexuality but the problem was that she didn't realise how much pressure it was on you as you resisted the urge to cringe at her assessment.

You didn't think she was that interested. Then again, Jess had likely thought the same thing.

"There's nothing to share," You dismissed, awkwardly and immediately changed the subject, "I didn't know you went out on morning jogs..."

"Hey, sex is good but it doesn't keep you fit. Though that's what people would have you believe," She shrugged.

The energy of the conversation between the both of you had become a lot more casual. The adrenaline rush had long since worn off in the park, so your eyes were no longer smoking like an ant nest under a magnifying glass on a hot summer's day. For a moment- a foolish moment- you thought she might've dropped the subject altogether. Of course, that was just wishful thinking.

"But hey, if that's how you're looking to work up a sweat I certainly don't mind obliging..."

Something you learned about Ciel very quickly while on the job was that she only had sex with people she knew well enough. They didn't have to be close friends or anything. Just as long as they weren't strangers and could be friends on the basest level. And after a few months of back and forth with her, she had been very keen on learning everything about you.

You weren't dense. Patrons had been interested in you and your co-workers before. More interested in what you could give them than any sort of relationship. Free drinks or food. Sex. But you had a policy you intended to abide by. You had nothing against the bartenders or just anybody in general who chose to sleep with others. A good friend of yours and co-worker, Ben, had the tendency to do just that. You didn't approve of him giving discounts to those customers but you could understand why he did.

You were very careful to keep yourself from falling into the same sort of trap. Ciel had been trying to make it difficult, with those heated gazes and brushes of the arm. Once she had even hugged you from behind as you delivered a couple shots to a nearby table. She even mentioned, in passing, stalking your dead Facebook account after she had brought up a trip to the beach you took with Amar last summer.

"Wh-Why??" You had questioned, the blush hitting your cheeks was instantaneous.

"I thought it would get a cute blush out of you," She smirked, eying you up with that familiar predatory hunger in her eyes that you had only seen directed to other people, "And look at that, I was right."

You weren't stupid enough to think that Ciel had a long-term interest in you. She likely saw you as a conquest. Something to be achieved. Lay the prude bartender and then brag about it to the rest of the patrons. Maybe try to get a few free drinks out of you, the cheapskate.

It was probably the latter purpose. She had even straight-up offered sex in exchange for free drinks once. And when that didn't work, she probably believed that she could hang in there for the long con as long as things didn't get too serious. Unfortunately for her, you weren't interested.

Ignoring her attempt at propositioning you, you ran a hand through your hair and decided to steer the conversation to something more productive.

"Have you seen a fluffy cat? Mostly white, blue eyes with a dark brown face and feet?"

Ciel noticed that you had ignored her statement. How could she not have? Still, she laughed it off.

"No I haven't," She grinned as you squinted around at your surroundings only to be caught off guard by a gentle hand on your forearm.

Startled you turned to look at her, eyes wide. Her face was one of the only clear things about the world right now. Even the pavement below your feet was slightly blurry. It just made her expression stand out even more to you. Hot pink eyes honed in on your face as you both stopped in your tracks. You weren't sure what to do when someone touched you. You were completely certain that this was another attempt at your chastity.

It greatly intimidated you.

But even her careful hold on your arm was nothing compared to the sensation of her dragging it up to your shoulder before she ghosted those same fingers against your cheek. If you were blushing before, a fire had to be starting on your face now. You weren't interested, but even you couldn't deny that the look she gave you (soft but still imposing) was nice to have on you. Like you were important. The moment was ruined by that smug, toothy grin that made you gulp and shrink away a bit.

"You're not wearing your glasses."

The shift in conversation was swift and abrupt and would've been jarring if you hadn't seen it coming. You didn't think that's what she would've pointed out, but you knew she was going to change the subject somehow. You had forgotten your glasses back at home in your haste to leave the house. You usually didn't wear them if they weren't needed.

"Yeah," You tried to play off the shake of your voice like it was normal.

It was a fruitless endeavour. She noticed- of course she noticed. It wasn't like you were nervous because of some kind of sexual desire, but nobody had looked at you the way she was in a long, long time. At least, nobody who you were totally familiar with.

"I was in a rush," You averted your gaze, a decision you'd soon come to regret, "He never leaves the house in the morning before I've woken up. As soon as he was gone I sprinted out the door. Probably an overreaction on my part..."

You nervously laughed. She only simpered from the corner of your eye.

"Yeah, it probably was," She was blunt about it, "But you were stressed."

It surprised you when she seemed to be giving you some sympathy for it. It surprised you even more to find her nose was almost touching yours when you turned your gaze back to her. Ciel was always very forward with her advances. She told you straight up that she hated beating around the bush. Her thumb that was against your cheek gently ran along your bottom lip and you swear you felt your heart stammer in your chest like the spluttering engine of an old car.

"I'm free for a couple hours..." Her gaze was roaring with lechery, "I can help you destress... if you want..."

Her tone became low and decisive as she finished off her thought with the lick of her bottom lip. In an instant you were tearing away from her, sprinting away. You didn't have time to think about how the people at the bus station were likely staring at you, nor at the bewildered laughter that carried behind you from your frequent bar patron. All you could do was get out of there. Somehow every conversation with her was steered back to a proposition of some kind. But this time you had somewhere to be and a cat to find.

"NO THANK YOU!" You called back to her, trying to make it clear between frantic breaths and footfalls that you were not about to take her up on her offer as you turned the corner and headed back towards your street.

Ciel was a determined girl, though. You imagined that wasn't going to get her to let up on her advances. And as long as it wasn't harming anyone, you weren't totally uncomfortable with it. Besides, it kept her interested enough to spend money at the bar. You imagined that if she stopped coming your manager would be upset.

For one, she was a regular. She paid a lot and gave the place business. For two, she was a very attractive young woman. Even you could say that much. But your manager thought a little differently of her than you did. It was no secret that he had some sort of infatuation with her. He had tried striking conversation with her a few times but she always brushed him off. It was almost a little flattering that she turned down most of your other co-workers in favour of chasing after you of all people.

Maybe she just liked the thrill of the chase. Or maybe she just liked a challenge and the fact that you were 'playing hard to get' (although it was really just the fact you weren't interested in the slightest) kept her engaged. You wouldn't have called yourself anything worth a second glance. But money was money. And Ciel, when she wasn't flirting with you 24/7, wasn't the worst person to talk to.

You headed back home, mind slipping from being occupied by the strange bar regular and focusing back on your beloved cat who you loved more than life itself. Let it be said that when you loved someone, you loved very hard. Garrett was not just a pet, he was family. And you cared for your family more than you cared for your very own life. Self-preservation be damned, if any of them were hurt, you would-

You stopped in the street, but not to calm yourself this time. You were nowhere near your home and it was still early morning. You might've been about five minutes away from your house- a few blocks down. But there in the street, you saw him.

Your beautiful cat. As fluffy as ever (although he had been shedding more often recently due to the summer coming in), snow-white kissed fur and that familiar pleased look on his face as a large, grey hand stroked him all the way down to his exceptionally fluffy tail. It seemed Garrett had already made a new friend but that wasn't the first thought on your mind. As soon as you saw the tall figure leering over him, you were angry and paranoid. Afraid that he was going to snatch your baby up in his arms and do a runner.

But that didn't happen. He simply handed your boy a treat and cooed at him with a gentle grin on his face- his face. Maybe it was how tender he was being with him. But your heart stopped in place mid-beat.

He was an unusual-looking fellow to be sure. A strange fashion sense with a blue sweater and black, sleeveless jacket. A very odd for a hot day such as this one. Then again, you weren't one to judge being out in the streets in your cupcake pyjamas. His hands were extremely large. Perhaps twice the size of your own and a little more. He was tall. You could tell from how far down he had to bend. And he was very blurry without your glasses but despite that, you could still make out how large his eyes were.

They were huge, taking up most of his grey head. She couldn't make out the colour from there but it had to be a dark sort of shade. And the golden light of the sun hit him just right to expose that the shadows on his body weren't lying. He was incredibly thin and incredibly pleased with petting your child. There was a huge smile on his face, showing off his pearly whites as he gently scritched your docile son under the chin, just where he liked it.

Your body was getting warmer the more you watched, a thousand-yard stare on your face as you tried to understand just exactly what you were feeling. He was so soft, so smiley. Like the sun incarnate itself. He reminded you of a sunflower, somehow. Despite his colour scheme being completely and utterly off the mark.

You had seen kids play with your cat on the lawn before. But never grown men or women. And never grown men that you felt inexplicably drawn to, like now. Maybe it was his odd appearance that made him stand out as unique among others. But the blush on your face was totally undeniable. You had a crush, butterflies flooding your stomach at the inward admission of it. You felt an ounce of shame at the fact.

All he had to do was be mildly attractive, have a weird sense of fashion, and be gentle to a cat who you loved more than your own self and suddenly, you were wishing to be in your baby's place, allowing him to run his hands through your hair and gaze into your eyes. You wanted to see what colour his eyes were. You wanted to stare into the deep lagoon of his opticals, and allow him to drown you in the infatuation you were feeling. 

Without thinking, you started walking over. And it was only until he seemed to notice your presence that you realised, dumbly, that you were approaching a guy you barely knew who was looking so cutely content with lavishing your son with affection (and who you wouldn't have minded admiring a bit more from afar and seeing him so happy and concentrated). And worst of all. You were wearing your pyjamas.

'OH NOES. I LOOK LIKE A TOTAL CRACKHEAD!!' Not to mention you hadn't stopped staring at him and Garrett, so you quickly blinked and tried to act like a normal human being and not a lizard in human form, 'HE'S GONNA THINK I BELONG TO SOME DRUGGIE DEN! HE'S NEVER GONNA WANT TO SEE ME! EVER! HE'S GONNA THINK I'M FUCKING STRANGE.'

You were strange, but you didn't want him to know that in the least! You thought about running by and changing back into your normal clothes but then reconsidered because his eyes were already on you, as blurry as he was, you could still tell and your heart nearly stopped and you nearly stopped but you kept going, unable to stop yourself even though you wanted to.

This was the worst sort of impression to make. Messy, sweaty, and in your cupcake pyjamas. It was like fate was intent on embarrassing you in front of the one person that mattered in those moments. Trying to even out your breathing, you forced a smile as you turned your full attention to your cat.

"There you are!" You announced, coolly, as you tried to play off your unexplainable attraction to the hot stranger that had just been playing with your cat like the cutie pie he was.

Thankfully, you didn't look like a weirdo trying to catnap your dear, because he came bounding up to you immediately with some loud 'meows' as he cried out for attention. You laughed, somewhat relaxing as you finally knew where he was and you were finally able to pet his head gently. You glanced back up at the man, squinting as he cautiously approached with an adorkable smile on his face.

There was a tinge of pink on his cheeks, you noticed. That sweater wasn't doing him any favours in that weather. In fact, you noticed as he got closer, that he wasn't just wearing a plain blue sweater, but there was a sort of wonky yin yang design on the front(?) and the black you thought was part of his sweater was actually a sleeveless hoodie. You felt sympathy for him, and for a moment, opened your mouth to offer him something to cool down- hell, to feed him, even. He was thin as all hell. As though he hadn't eaten anything for a while.

It deeply concerned you. But you refrained. He didn't know you and you didn't want to scare him off like some crazy cat grandma down the street. Plus... you were in your pyjamas and trainers. You weren't really equipped to help him at all. You couldn't just summon up a meal for him or a battery-powered fan. Even though that would be awesome, it was a little out of your skill range. Instead, you opted to play it off and smile at him with squinted eyes.

"Thanks for finding him for me. He can be a little weasel, can't you, my sweets?"

You turned your attention back to your child as you addressed him, although it was mostly an excuse to stop making eye contact. You could see the faint hue of his irises in the sunlight now. Just a bit. Blue, like the ocean. Your whole body felt as though it was heating up from the inside out as tingles erupted across every inch of skin as he stopped off nearby. Garrett continued purring, happy to be with his cat mother.

"H-Hey, it's no problem!"

'Dear Lord-' A fresh wave of something you hadn't felt in a long time came creeping over your body as you shut your eyes tightly, hoping that your face was hidden well enough by loose tresses of H/C hair and strategic shadows of the sun.

His voice was melodious. Deep and enticing. You tried to keep your heart in place with a gentle hand to your chest as if to ground your soaring heart before it jumped back to the head of your cat, who bumped his forehead against the meat of your leg in an effort to get more pets. Garrett was truly needing attention. Just why had he left your house without your knowledge?

"I thought he might've been a stray since he didn't have a collar, but he looked so well taken care of," The man's soft laughter rang through the air and your heart somehow kept pace with it.

It was the most beautiful thing you'd ever heard. You'd read books in which things had been described as 'music to their ears' but for once you understood what it meant. It was truly like music, singing softly like a harp being plucked. Elegant and lovely. You could've listened to it on repeat. All the time. You would if you could've. More than anything, you wanted to be the reason he laughed. You wanted to be the reason he smiled. The reason for his happiness.

Despite the panic of the early morning and the discomfort you had felt around your frequent patron, somehow the heavens above had opened up a new world to you. They had given you the gift of being able to bask in this adorable man's presence and to swim in those gorgeous cobalt eyes that glittered in the sunshine like gems as you met his eyes briefly only to look away immediately.

You swallowed hard, trying to think of a reply that wasn't: "please never leave." Because despite the overwhelming voice in the back of your mind screaming at you that it was wrong to feel this way about a stranger, there was an even louder voice screaming at you to take him away.

"He's never needed a collar since he doesn't usually run off in the morning before he's gotten food in him..." You mumbled, trying not to malfunction like some sort of robot reading off a script.

It almost floored you. You had never felt this strongly about anybody. Not even about the two boyfriends you'd had in the past. Sure, you had been incredibly clingy to them, and sure you had wanted them to stay when they couldn't but never had you experienced this total, entire body reaction. Your fingers twitched in your baby's fur as your eyes glared holes passed Garrett and into the pavement.

It had the same energy as those malicious desires to destroy every happiness of those who intended to hurt your family. But it was different in some way. It was just as strong- just as potent- lacing through every fibre of your being like it was wired in your very DNA, burrowed into your base urges, threaded through blood and bone, and embroidered into some primordial aspect of your brain.

An instinct so overpowering and so strong that it almost made you pounce on him in those moments. It was only when Garrett bumped his head into your hand again that you realised you had frozen and needed to get back to petting him. You know? Like a normal person.

"I-I didn't-" The man stammered and you noticed, instantly, an alarmed tone to his words, "I didn't mean to- I mean- I-"

It only then registered how monotone you had spoken before. How he could've taken that to mean that you were accusing him of being the cause of running away.

Instantly your eyes snapped up to him and hastily you analysed his face. He was utterly terrified, you noticed. Scared of your opinion of him? No, probably more scared you'd accuse him of trying to catnap Garrett and then call the police on him. His hands were up and he looked utterly helpless.

A part of you felt immensely guilty for scaring him. Another part of you liked it more than you were willing to admit. That part of you was loud as much as you tried to shut it out. You couldn't deny wanting to see that petrified look on his face more. Maybe it was sadistic. You could unpack what it meant later.

"Oh! No!" You quickly interjected, eyes just as wide and concerned, "I wasn't saying that you did anything. It's just weird, is all. Uhhh... a-animals are like that, I guess."

You were aware of how unconfident that last part sounded and as you replayed it in your head you cringed. Now you definitely sounded like a weirdo.

'Animals are like that?! The fuck does that mean!? You're fucking this up, Y/N!!'

To your surprise, however, he seemed to laugh in reply. Partly in relief, and partly because he may have found it genuinely funny. Whoever this charming, handsome stranger was, his charming and handsome laugh short straight through you and down to your core. You shivered and hoped it wasn't noticeable.

"I guess so," He sounded much more relaxed, which, in turn, relaxed you too, "So, he's a Siamese?"

You immediately winced. He was continuing the conversation. You weren't sure your heart could take being in such close proximity to him for too long- OH NO! Now he was kneeling down nearby. You felt yourself short circuit, his tall body looming over you as he tried to lower himself to your height. A shiver went up your spine. His delicious legs were in view now. You could almost imagine curling your fingers under his knees and drawing him closer- closer now-

Petting Garrett was the only thing that slightly distracted you from the alarming thoughts you were having. Of knocking him out, dragging him off, watching him sleep, staring into his eyes, keeping him away from any prying eyes- all of the people that didn't deserve to even look at someone so kind and lovely as this man. He was so amazing, you could just tell. So perfect. So wonderful. So tender and kind to your cat-

And so hopelessly wrong, too.

"Close, but not quite..." You tried to keep your voice level and unmarred by the shaking in your hands and heart, acting as if you weren't keen on jumping his bones right there and then (these were not normal thoughts to have about a stranger...!!!), "He's a Balinese cat."

At least talking about something you knew a lot about was taking the edge off. Oh- not really. Garrett turned his body to the nearby stranger and nudged his head against his delectable form that you could just eat right up at that moment. His dark brown tail gently brushed your own hand and as he dragged his huge hand against his fur his finger brushed yours.

Y/N.exe has stopped working.

You snatched your hand away in an instant, startled and terrified but his touch left you aching for more. Shivering, pleading with the heavens to just do you this one favour and you'd never ask for anything again. Sadly, you had no such luck and as your eyes darted to him you immediately regretted it. He was closer now, not close enough to kiss or smell or touch, but his face was close enough that you could see the expression he wore.

"Woah, hey, take it easy," His eyes were wide at your reaction and you kicked yourself for being so obvious about how much his touch affected you.

But you probably made it seem bad in some ways. You weren't sure whether that was better for you or not. Would you rather be the stranger terrified of his touch or the stranger thirsty for more of it? The freak who so obviously longed and yearned for his hand on yours fully and completely without restraint? A weirdo or a creep. What an amazing selection.

You didn't have much time to deliberate on it, however.

"I don't bite," His smile was soft and awkward at the same time.

'Oh lord, I'm about to burst...' Something was flowing through your whole body at that point.

Some sort of primal urge to grab him and- and-... well, you weren't sure of what just yet. You wanted to grab hold of him and never let go. Momentarily, your eyes grazed his hand again, which he held up in your field of vision. It looked warm and inviting. 

He needed to stop being so kind and lovely or you might've not been able to control yourself. But you managed for the time being.

"Hard disagree," You swallowed and gestured to his teeth, "You've got the teeth for it."

His face instantly flushed with a deep crimson colour, as if you had just pointed out the most embarrassing thing. And for a moment, your heart squeezed and you got terrified that you had fucked everything up once again. He was going to think you hated him, you just made him insecure about something he had probably been bullied for or something-

"These teeth are just for eating, I swear," His voice was shaky but mild, "I didn't mean to scare you with them..."

His adorable expression, which you craved to see more of and craved to run your hands against his cheek to see if his face was as warm as it looked when he blushed so intensely like that, faded into one of concern.

His large, unblinking eyes gazed right through you like cold rain soaking through your clothes and into your skin, pruning your fingertips and dousing you in a fresh wave of ice-like, uncertain fear as you scanned his face again, searching for something- anything. A sign that you weren't the crazy one, you weren't the only one so willing to jump right in and pull him down to your lips and practically inhale his every breath and his very being into yourself.

"I-I'm not scared," You stammered quickly, trying to fix this, "I... I think they're cool..."

Immediately you ducked your head down and your needy cat was infinitely more interesting as you ran your fingers through his warm fur. It wasn't as hot as it could've been because of his white coat which reflected the sun, and suddenly you were rethinking that whole science lesson and practical you had in high school.

"Y-You do?"

You didn't dare look at him as he stuttered. You knew that if you did, your eyes would drink in everything about him all over again, and you'd probably fall even deeper in love. Love... could this even be considered love? You knew nothing about this kind stranger- this gentle giant. And yet, you wanted to. You wanted to know everything about him.

You wanted to know all his likes, dislikes, his past, his present, his future. You wanted to know every inch of his mind, every inch of his body, every flicker in those enchanting eyes, and every moment of every second of his life.

Your mind shook with anticipation at the very idea. Being the only person in the world to truly understand every part of him. Even the parts that his own family couldn't have known.

Instead, you covered your mouth with one hand and nodded. In part to suppress the urge to ask every question, to prompt every conversation. In part to stop yourself from saying something creepily adoring that you might regret. In part to prevent yourself from launching your body at him and pressing a kiss against those enticing lips of his. In part to hide the lovestruck grin on your face and shield the small giggle that rose from your throat.

"Oh, wow... thanks... no one's ever said that before," He sounded genuinely flattered and clearly flustered, your resolve told you not to look at his expression.

"They should," You decided with a confidence you didn't even know you had, "It's, uh, unique. But in a good way. I've never seen anything like them."

"They're... actually natural..." There was a smile in his voice, that almost made you stop in your tracks but you didn't.

"That's cool," You couldn't contain your own grin, giddy with the joy of making him happy, "I think they suit you. You look, uh, nice with them."

In an instant, your grin faded and was replaced with a regretful grimace. Your awkward words replayed through your head. You scorned yourself. Scorned your words. You look nice with them? They're his teeth!!!! It's not like if he didn't look nice with them he could just swap them out!! You kicked yourself inwardly over and over again. You had fucked it up this time. You had to have. And then he was going to leave and you'd never see him and those stunning, large eyes or hear from that soft, euphonious laugh again.

That gentle tenor voice that wrapped around you when he spoke. The pause between you both was short but to you, it felt like hours and hours. He was likely just figuring out how to reply but in the meantime, you reflected on how fucking awkward that was and how he was probably weirded out by you.

"You, uh... you look nice today, as well."

Your resolve weakened and you chanced a look at him. A large grin had split his face like rays of the beaming sun slicing through a canopy of trees. His mouth was large and expressive. You didn't mind.

"I mean- you always look nice- well, I don't know, I haven't- uh, I haven't seen you every day or anything, but I think- I think you would probably look nice every day."

It was like he could hardly form a proper coherent thought because he was both euphoric over your compliments and genuinely trying to focus on saying the right thing. He didn't need to be afraid of that, you would've loved him no matter what he said to you in those moments.

Compliments from him made your chest compress painfully and your cheeks warm. You didn't deserve his kindness. He was so sweet. You didn't deserve any of it. Your eyes scanned over his face, unable to help yourself as you hung off his every word.

That yummy blush spread across his cheeks, a deep red like a tomato. If his whole face was red, he could've been one. You would've eaten him up like one, that's for damn sure. And the thought instantly made you suppress a squeak in fear of your own gushing thoughts. They were like the white rapids of a river, uncontrollable and threatening to pull you into the deep end. But your resolve was at least not weak enough to allow for that to happen.

The thought of rushing things and making him creeped out or scaring him off with how fast you were moving was too much for you to bear and overpowered that more primitive part of you.

"I'm in my pyjamas..." You laughed in disbelief.

Luciel had said practically the same thing, about you looking nice in your pyjamas. What was it about this that you were doing right to get two compliments when you could hardly even get one when wearing something normal? Especially not from a cute boy you were totally into.

"They look... nice on you...?" Now he seemed unsure, maybe even a bit worried he'd said something wrong.

You couldn't have that. You still didn't quite believe what he said but it was charitable enough for him to lie to make you feel better. He must've noticed how uncomfortable you looked in it. How attentive of him and how hopelessly kind of him to try to make you feel better for it...

Regardless of how true the statement was, the effect he and his words had on you was quite evident as a blush still resided in your cheeks. After all, it's not every day you get a compliment from a cute guy you're completely and utterly head over heels for. You were such a fucking weirdo, liking someone like this just because he complimented you and stroked your damn cat who you loved more than life itself.

But something about cute boys taking care of things you love just got you going in ways you couldn't quite describe. Maybe it was because you were so desperate for affection- for someone to love before you weren't as youthful anymore. But something about this man was utterly impossible to ignore. Your heart needed him. He was like a magnet and you were drawn in instantly with no hope for escape.

You didn't mind being trapped by him. He was everything you wanted.

"Well, thank you..." A smile quirked on your lips as you averted your gaze to the side and continued petting your lovely, saint of a son who had unintentionally led you to meet an angel that day.

"I mean it," He assured quickly, seeming to sense your unbelieving, "It's cute- the, uh, the cupcakes. It really suits you because... you're cute..."

He certainly was a quirky individual and maybe a bit odd. Finding you even a little bit worth a compliment? In your pyjamas? It made your heart pound hard against your chest to the point you were sure it would rip itself out and go running into his arms, where it belonged. It was those very reasons he caught your attention in the first place. He needed to know just how important he was. Just how thankful you were that he had decided to spend some of his time with you.

How generous... you didn't deserve him. You truly didn't deserve him. Neither did anybody else. This man was utterly perfect and nobody would ever be good enough to stand at his side.

"I-I get it, I probably came on a little too strong... and so suddenly..." His laugh was awkward but nevertheless, it entranced you all over again.

Your breath caught in your lungs harshly as you tried to think of something to say, still staring down at your cat who bumped his head against your open palm, azure eyes glittering, not dark enough to be the same shade as the lanky yet magnetic man beside you.

"Wow," You breathed, butterflies fluttering in your stomach as a warm feeling enveloped your whole body, "Sorry it's just, um..."

"No, I get it," He seemed to take your reaction the wrong way, "You-"

When your eyes darted up to his face, you could see him rubbing his arm tentatively and he looked utterly crushed as he chuckled awkwardly, trying not to show his disappointment. You kicked yourself. He didn't deserve to feel that way just because you were awkward and didn't know what to say.

"Nobody's ever said that sort of thing to me before, is all," You interrupted, immediately feeling like a jackass for cutting him off and guilty for not letting him finish, "Well- that sounds sad. I mean, my pyjamas are... kinda childish, and not many people see me in them..."

You let out an awkward laugh and for a moment, he seemed a tad conflicted before laughing with you as well.

"They are," He admitted, softly, his hand joining yours to pet Garrett, nearly touching you again.

You bit back the excited scream that was beckoning your thoughts in the back of your throat. It didn't matter that he thought your pyjamas were dorky. What mattered was that he even noticed you at all, and that is hand was just inches away from yours. You could just... reach over and...

"I think they're nice, though. Cupcakes are sweet. They definitely make me think of you."

You made the mistake of looking at him as he spoke, his words punctuated with a charming wink. Instantly your infatuation returned tenfold and you could've jumped on top of him right then and there. His words, as cheesy as they were, only came across as utterly sexy when they came from him with that irresistible smirk, those deep, gorgeous eyes, that captivating wink that stole your whole attention, and that intense gaze.

Not to mention that slow, methodical voice he said it in, with complete earnestness and thoughtfulness. It held your heart hostage and stole the very air from your lungs. And yet, somehow it was both hot and adorable??? How was that even possible? Yet the sheer cuteness of it coaxed forward a dorky laugh that you couldn't suppress in the least. Not even if you tried.

Ugh, you probably sounded like some giddy high school girl and you stifled it with one hand. Not knowing what to say next but still yearning to urge forward the conversation, your mind defaulted to throwing his compliment back at him.

"Thanks- I-I think you're sweet as well."

It took a moment for it to strike you what you had implied by saying that- and what he had implied by saying that and immediately a hot wave of heat launched itself into your face, down your neck, and across your back. You shot your gaze up at him for just a moment, scrambling to look natural as you petted Garrett, only to find this adorable stranger blushing and staring at you again, utterly transfixed-

Or so it seemed. He was probably trying to figure something out. You weren't totally sure what. Then, the realisation hit you head-on like a truck barreling right at you.

'I'M IN MY FUCKING PYJAMAS. HE PROBABLY THINKS I'M WEIRD AND IS JUST TRYING TO BE POLITE BECAUSE I'M SITTING HERE TALKING TO HIM WHEN HE JUST WANTS TO LEAVE!!'

As a bartender and someone with a friendly face and a tendency to make bad friends in life, you had been in that position one too many times. At that, your whole body came alive, jolting in your seated position. A look of abject horror crossed over your face as time seemed to freeze. You couldn't, under any circumstances, waste more of his time like this! You had to go, or else the next time you saw him you'd have absolutely no chance of being with him forever- of making a good impression.

In an instant, you swooped down and picked your dear, sweet son up into your arms, which he was distressed about at first but soon settled. You didn't look him in the eyes. You had a feeling you'd know what was there. A creeped-out expression, not totally unfounded.

If he knew the thoughts you were having in your head, he would be utterly disgusted with you. Totally revolted. You needed to get home. If not for both of your sakes then to reassure Amar, who was probably still concerned about you and Garrett. And if not for her then for Garrett, who likely hadn't had anything else to eat except the highly attractive stranger's food.

Speaking of, he seemed startled by your sudden urge to leave.

"Well, we've taken up enough of your time!" You announced, highly flustered, "Thanks for looking after my cat for me. I've- I've gotta go- sorry for bothering you- I-I'm sorry..."

He said something, but you were hardly listening to a word he said as you took off, adrenaline making you swift and making the twisting, harsh path there shorter than usual. Once you got inside you slammed the door behind you, gently placing your dear down. Garrett was a lazy cat and none too bothered by your little episode.

You lamented on weirding him out. You inwardly sobbed at the fact that you didn't even know his name. But maybe that was for the better. If you saw him again, you might've not been able to resist. Your heart sung for him- yearned for him and pleaded with you to go back, to at least see him once more and bask in the glory of his warm and enticing presence. This was not healthy, you told yourself. But why did it feel so right, if that was the case?

What sort of cruel world made it so that the sensations you wanted to feel for the rest of time and then some were the very sensations that would scare the object of your affections away? What sort of cruel world made it so that the sensations you desired more than anything in every waking moment were completely and totally wrong to feel?

You wanted to cry, scream and then run back into his arms. But those arms would likely not welcome you if you showed the freak you were inside.

"Mom?" Amar's warm gaze met yours and she looked concerned.

"I found-" You choked on your words, swallowing.

But you calmed as your dear rubbed his warm, fluffy body against your legs. When you leaned down to pet him, you could finally breathe again.

"I found Garrett."

"I can see that..." Amar gingerly folded her arms, "Are you okay...?"

"Just, um, still stressed from rushing around to find him."

She nodded in understanding, unfolding her arms again and sitting on the sofa nearby. It seemed as though she had already eaten breakfast. You felt guilty for not fixing her anything. You had flown about the house and then rocketed out the door soon after you poured Garrett something to eat and he hadn't come running as normal.

There was an empty bowl with only a plastic, pink spoon in it on the coffee table. From cereal, you supposed.

"Alright, just try and take deep breaths. He's here now and he's fine, isn't he? Where'd you find him?"

You cringed at the memory and you cringed at the way your stomach knotted in remembrance of that gentle stranger. You wondered if his hands were as soft as they looked. If he would let you hold them one day. If maybe he would accept your ludicrous need to give him everything- all of you- and if he would give you all of himself, too.

"A couple of streets over..." You hummed, pretending it didn't matter, pretending as if finding him again hadn't completely changed your life forever and ever, "He wasn't far."

"See? He's an outdoor cat. He likes going outside. Sometimes he's gonna disappear for no reason, but he'll come back, won't you bud?"

Amar's cat voice was baby-like and cute as she cooed at him. It was moments like these that reminded you how much you loved your family and how much you wouldn't change it for the world. Except for maybe filling an empty spot at the dinner table with a certain, blue-eyed stranger. You wouldn't mind that.

Not at all.

Chapter Text

It was hard to focus. No matter what you were doing, your mind drifted back to him. From the moment you saw him you just knew. You knew you needed him. You knew you needed to be with him. And it was hard to deliberate on anything else.

Each day was like clockwork. An endless, boring cycle that you could never escape from. You woke up, got dressed, fed Amar and Garrett, packed her lunch and walked her to school, saw her off and then depending on what shift you had at The Eden Bar that day, on your morning jog. If you had the morning shift, you usually went home and spent the rest of your free time on art commissions that you got online while pampering your baby silly. Otherwise, if you had the evening shift, you went on your jog and then slept for the next couple hours, cuddled up next to Garrett. And then you got dressed again, maybe showered, and headed off to your shift.

It wasn't too bad of a life that you had made for yourselves. It used to be a lot more hectic with V and the triplets around. Being the eldest child out of eight had been a tough job since youth. Your mother had this stupid pipe dream to have ten kids. She only succeeded in fucking up the lives of the ones she birthed.

Thankfully Amar was her last. Maybe it was cruel to say but she couldn't sustain a proper life for the ones she already had, let alone the new ones she planned to make. So when she died of childbirth it was sort of a relief. You were never that close to her anyways. She never got too close to any of her kids.

Needless to say, your father didn't take too well to her death. He made his whole life about her. What he could give her, what she could give him and all their wonderful memories (wherever those were, you couldn't be certain since you had damn well never been a part of them). And so when she was gone he lost himself too. Not just a part of himself. It was hard to lose parts when every single thing about him was also about her. He based every aspect of himself around her. His personality, his appearance, his likes and dislikes. When she died, it was a blessing and a curse.

He went drunk. Addiction always ran in the family, that was something you were vaguely aware of. When he fell in, he fell in deep and he blamed her death on everyone and anything he could. Mostly on Amaryllis. She was the last daughter- the one that their mother had died giving birth to, so naturally, the fault fell on her in his sick, twisted mind.

He did put his hands on her but each time Juniper and you were there to try and save her, and so were the others, doing as much as they could do. But there were times you weren't as quick and times were you weren't able to come to her rescue. And those were the times that weighed heavily on you now. Amaryllis was not terribly reserved but it was true that she hid a lot from you nowadays. You had been tempted to go through her diary once but stopped yourself short and promptly told her you found it so that she could hide it somewhere else and you could stop thinking about it altogether.

You wanted to be a good person but sometimes the right thing to do was the most difficult thing to do as well. It was no secret that you were clingy to the people you loved. You weren't sure what you'd do in two years time when Amaryllis came of age and could finally leave the house just like all her siblings before her. Then it would just be you and Garrett.

And then what? Your purpose for life would be gone. You lived only to raise those kids. And when they were gone...-

"So, yeah, I'll probably be home at around 9 tomorrow..." Amar just got done telling you about the sleepover she and a couple of friends would be having as you journeyed to her high school in the local area together.

"Tomorrow morning?" You clarified.

Your gaze moved to the sky stretching above you both. A clear, cerulean blue with pearlescent clouds cascading by, peacefully. What a lovely morning, but not nearly as lovely as the morning that occurred just two days ago, in which you had met The One. The one who you fell in love with at first sight. His dark eyes were gorgeous like a deep lagoon, nothing like the diamond blue of the stratosphere that painted the world above you.

That gentle stranger. You remembered when he stood up properly from his crouched position. How his tall and limber form stretched up and up and up, towering over you.

"Duh? When else? Tomorrow night? What am I gonna be doing at Jennifer's place for a full day, mom?"

"Well, I don't know..." You mumbled, having never had a sleepover before (you didn't have many friends ever... you usually drove them away with how clingy you were), "I- I don't know what you lot do at sleepovers. If you had wanted to stay the full day I'd be fine with it as long as you told me when you were getting home, Amour."

Her nickname was a play on words. Since you often shortened her name to 'Amar' sometimes you switched it up to 'Amour', because she was one of the people in the world you loved the most. It just made sense to you and she didn't seem to notice.

"Yeah, well, her brother's a bit of a weirdo so no way am I staying longer than a night."

Something dangerous flashed in your mind in those moments. Amaryllis was a lovely girl. You had raised her well, you liked to think. Her grades weren't perfect but she was a ray of sunshine and she lit up every room she walked into. She was good and kind and any boy would be lucky to have her...

But if anybody was creeping on her then...

You pushed the dark thoughts out of your head. Amar had told you that her friend Jennifer's brother was quite young, just thirteen. The violent thoughts you were having were hardly appropriate for a curious child. But even so, kids of that age know right from wrong. And if he made your daughter uncomfortable you knew you would be willing to protect her.

By any means necessary.

"If he does anything-"

"He won't do anything," Amar assured with a light chuckle and roll of her eyes, "I know you're worried about me, and that's great, but you worry too much, mom. Andrew's a creep, but the most he's done is act weird around me. He hasn't peeped on me changing or anything."

"That you know of..."

"He hasn't," Amar insisted.

You wanted her to be right. But if she was wrong then you wouldn't hesitate to jump in. You loved her more than anything in this world. She was your sister- more than that, she was your daughter. Your family. You always thought of your siblings as your own kids and maybe that was unhealthy but since childhood, you never had much of a choice. And you never minded, much. You always convinced yourself you never needed a shot at childhood as long as your siblings got that.

"Thanks for caring so much," Amar's eyes twinkled with love and you felt your heart swell for your little girl, "It means a lot. I'll be home by 9 tomorrow."

"I'll miss you," You told her, honestly, as you came to a stop outside of the school gate.

It was still a bit early, so a few parents had gathered nearby. The gates were opened and there were teens gossiping on benches in the front area, and freshmen talking to their parents and friends. The ambient sound of childish laughter and gossiping mother's filled your ears.

You always hated coming here, in all honesty. You had been made fun of for being a teen parent in high school because the younger siblings always called you "mom". Unfortunately, that sort of talk wasn't left behind. You looked young, despite your tired eyes. Young enough for the other parents to see that if a sixteen-year-old was your kid, then you must've had her irresponsibly when you were younger.

That wasn't the case, nor was it their business. But their talk grated on you. You would be grateful and melancholy when you left. Every time you left Amar to the unforgiving jaws of high school it was a relief to get away from those nosey parents but it also dismayed you because it meant you wouldn't be seeing your beautiful flower of a sister for most of the day.

It sunk in that you wouldn't be seeing her for the rest of the day or for early tomorrow when you would've already headed off for your shift.

"I'll only be gone for tonight!"

Amar laughed and it warmed your heart as it always did to hear the people you cared about happy and healthy. You spoke in earnest when you reiterated...

"I'll still miss you. It's a long time to be gone..."

"Not that long," Amar snorted, "One night out of all the nights you usually get to have me. If I didn't know any better I'd say I was your favourite!"

You gasped in genuine offence. It had always worried you to some degree that you weren't loving enough to your dear family. The idea of you causing any amount of pain to them by making one feel less loved than another had always gnawed at your heart. They all deserved equal love and attention and you intended to give them it!

"I never favour any of my kids! None of you are above one or the other for me, I love you all equally!"

Amar laughed, clearly jesting as the sun shone down on the two of you. It made her face glow a bit. She always had a much richer skin tone because she was always playing outside more, like the other kids. You mostly stayed inside to watch them from the windows while you worked around the house.

"I know! I know!" She assured, with that grin that warmed your heart to see, "I'm just joking, mom!"

You resented your father for many things. Mostly for hurting your siblings and especially for his treatment of your Amour. You never had the time to hate him for practically turning you into the maid of the house. At least it quelled his wrath, a little, to do all the housework and to tend to his every need. You kept him sick most of the time with sleeping pills and small doses of rat poison. It meant he caused less trouble around the house.

You had considered outright murder, but you instantly knew you'd be the number one suspect, being the one who cooked the food, did the laundry and dealt with everything around the house. The cops would question your younger siblings who already called you "mom" and they would give them all the information they needed to know without knowing that they were outing you. You couldn't tell them if you were planning a murder, they'd most definitely have conflicting thoughts about it, and you couldn't put that pressure on them.

"I can think of a laundry list of reasons as to why that's not a good joke!"

On top of that, you were the oldest and most fit to take care of them. You had been banking on the hope that you could do just that and keep the siblings together as long as possible. Lord knows the foster system would split them up and they didn't deserve to be bounced around like that. So you stewed in quiet anger and admonished your father inside.

"Loosen up. Sometimes you're too much of a parent for your own good."

"I am a parent," You frowned.

"But you're also a person. Sometimes I think even you forget that..." Amar sounded quite melancholy as she looked off into the distance.

You hadn't meant to hurt her...

"I'm sorry..."

"Wha-? Mom! It's not your fault!" She chuckled, waving her hand dismissively, "It's nobody's fault. Nobody's except dad's... and Sage's, too."

You shifted awkwardly as you thought about murdering your father again for everything that they had done to your kids. Your sweet, innocent kids (except Juniper, he was not innocent... still sweet, though!) who deserved nothing but the world.

Years later, you had returned to his last place of residency (your childhood home) in hopes of ending his life. Enough time had passed that you could play it off as never wanting to see him again. But he had gone. The house had been sold and he was gone. You never truly knew where to. He could've died for all you cared, as long as he was far away from your loved ones.

Your dream was to one day buy back that house and make some good memories there to overtake the bad ones. It wasn't all bad, though. After all, you had raised your siblings there and so the house had its fair share of good things to reminisce on, as well.

"You became what you had to become," Amar continued, showing a shocking level of understanding, "I wish we could give you back all those years that you spent looking after us... or at least I wish we could repay you-"

"I don't need payment," You smiled, completely blindsided by the very thought, "I don't want payment, either. Seeing you kids grow up to be the amazing people that I knew you would is enough for me. Just keep being you- keep being happy, and I'll be happy as well."

"You say that- and I knew that you would, anyways- but it doesn't feel like enough. You were our sibling before you were our mom and you were just a kid when you took on both responsibilities and more."

"I never minded."

"You never knew anything else," Amar said.

You didn't believe her. You couldn't. This was your life now, and that was okay as long as they were in it. You would be fine with giving up everything as long as they were somehow by your side in some way.

"You never knew how childhood could be because you were never given the chance to experience it. That's what Miss. Davidson-Hyde said."

Miss. Davidson-Hyde. She was a pleasant woman and Amar's counsellor. You had talked to her more times than you'd like to admit. Just like all counsellors, she talked a lot to you over the phone (as the legal parent and guardian of your Amour) about the things- the more concerning things- that Amar had expressed over therapy. Or, at least what counted as concerning things to her.

She had come to you about Amar's attraction to women which was how you found out about it but you let Amar come out in her own time. That was fine by you. She had come to you about some of Amar's concerns about you not eating well, ect, ect. You appreciated the concern and lied and said you'd do better. You pretended. You had gotten good at pretending. She came to you about bullying (curse stupid fucking kids...), about her thoughts and feelings towards your father and your mother.

"That's nice," You smiled, sharply, "But I wouldn't ever change my life. Not for the world. I have you guys and it doesn't matter whether I could've lived a different life. I like the one I have now. I love caring for you guys."

"I know. You never stop," Amar looked at you, tenderly and it made you hurt for hurting her even though you didn't mean it, "You deserve better."

"We all do. We all did. But we can't change the hand we've been dealt. We can only work with it."

"That's why I've been thinking... you should take a day off from being our mom."

Her regrets about never getting to meet her and feeling guilty for wanting to despite the pain she caused her other siblings. The fact that she did blame herself a lot for her death due to your father's cruel words. About how she always felt like she was holding you back from you reaching your full potential. You supposed that's how it was coming out, now.

You scoffed. Parents don't just take days off from being parents. That could be really harmful to their kids.

"I appreciate that you want me to unwind or take a break or... whatever. I promise you that I will do that, but I'm also promising you that regardless of what other life I could've lived. I know I missed out on a childhood, and I know that it's unfair. I appreciate that you care so much, my dear. I do. More than you could ever know. But being your parent- it has been the best experience of my whole life. I have truly loved being your mom. I have truly loved watching you guys grow. More than anything in the whole world. Please don't be worried about me, hun. I'm alright. It's not fair- life never is- but it's life. And we have each other. It doesn't matter what I've missed out on, I've got something much more valuable."

"But, Miss. D-"

"Miss. Davidson-Hyde doesn't know me like you do," You cut her off, not wanting to come off as rude but also not wanting to argue anymore on this.

"She does now! I've been telling her, yaknow. She doesn't know you any other way!" Amar smiled.

You decided was best she didn't know that her counsellor and yourself had extended chats about everything she said in counselling, lest she feel like she couldn't trust anyone. You knew that it completely destroyed your self-confidence and left you unable to trust when you found out your own counsellor did the very same thing...

"But... even if you say that, mom," Amar continued, "I still can't help but feel bad. And I know the others feel this way too, sometimes. I want to at least do something for you. I want to at least make things up to you even if you don't want it and don't need it."

Amar was shockingly articulate about your issues. She had a good amount of empathy that you praised her for since her youth. Always such a sweet and polite kid, even if she became less so over the years. That empathy never left her. It was impressive as it was upsetting to you, to see her in pain over something out of her control, over something you'd never change for the world. And most of all, over something she blamed herself for even if it wasn't her fault.

"That's kind of you, Amour. That's so, so kind of you. And I love you for it. But there's no need."

"There is no need," She agreed, "But it'd feel wrong not to."

"I don't like being the focus of things..." You admitted, hoping that would somehow stop her from getting ideas.

"Would it make you feel better if it wasn't just about you, but about having fun in general? We could have a day together where we go to a festival or something and just do kid stuff. Go on rides, eat candy floss, play games..."

You deliberated on it and still felt guilty.

"I'm sorry I made you feel as though you had to do something in return. I never wanted a reward for doing something I enjoyed- for caring for you guys."

"That's not it!" Amar informed, sharply, "I just... want to. Of my own accord. You haven't done anything to make me feel this way. I think that's just why I ended up feeling this way on my own. Well... not totally on my own. The others feel this way, too."

"Then... if it's any consolation I'd love to have a day with you, my dear," You smiled softly.

"I'll get to planning soon, then! No ifs, ands, or buts!" Amar assured, instantly perking up, "For now, I've gotta focus on the upcoming sleepover."

You resisted the urge to sigh and looked off again, awkwardly. Amar was lovely. So lovely. She didn't have to think of you but she still did. And you wished she wouldn't want to hang out with those crappy people. It would just mean less time to worry about her.

But she deserved happiness and to adventure and explore new possibilities.

"I'm gonna miss you..." You repeated, absently.

She laughed.

"You already said that!"

"But it's true..."

"I won't be far, and I won't be long! If anything, you should be happy to get some peace and quiet. You're always telling me off for yelling over video games. Now I'll be doing it... just at someone else's house."

You glared at her, lightly, and knocked her side a bit with your own.

"Don't be too loud. Just because you're at someone else's house doesn't mean the rules of etiquette don't apply. Jennifer has neighbours and parents, y'know?"

"I know," She grinned smugly, "But you know how competitive I get."

"It runs in the family..." Like a lot of other things... "I'm serious. You yelling over games is the weirdest thing. It's not real."

"It's real to me!" She threw her arms up in the air before huffing as she folded them, "You just don't get it. You never play video games but if you did you'd understand what I'm talking about. It's so frustrating."

"If it frustrates you then don't play."

She gave you a look that told you that you had just had a dumb bitch moment. You shrugged it off. Raising seven siblings meant you never had enough time for luxuries like video games. You were glad they were able to partake, though.

"You don't get it."

"Alright well, maybe I don't," You rolled your eyes again, "Just be polite, watch your ps and qs and tell Jennifer I said 'hi'!"

"You hate Jennifer," Amar scrunched her nose in confusion.

It was true, you did sort of hate Jennifer. Amar often came home to rant about what shenanigans that little trite had gotten her into. Jennifer was a bit of a troublemaker, it was true, but that was the least of your problems.

It was her friends. They were god awful, in your humble opinion. Though Jennifer didn't directly partake in the whole: "Oh my god, you're gay??? Don't hit on me!!" thing, it was clear to you that she never defended Amar against it and in your mind, that made her just as bad. You could never, ever imagine sitting by and letting people make fun of those you loved the most. You could never imagine actively being friends with those sorts of people, either. It was the very reason you had stood up for Zephyr in school.

She was your oldest little sister and, unfortunately, the worst offender of the 'flower name scheme' that your delusional mother had set up. 

"True," You admitted that you hated Jennifer, "But she's your friend and I'll support you regardless of my feelings towards her."

Since your mother was so connected to plants and nature, she insisted that every one of her kids must have a plant name. And your father agreed on the condition that he got to choose any name he wanted for his firstborn. It was sort of tradition for him to pass down one of the family names.

That's how your name was Y/N. It was a name from one of your great grandparents. You couldn't remember who, you just knew it was one of them and you didn't care much for it since they were all dead. Your dad cared a lot about them, though, and that was why you received that necklace you kept in your jewellery box catching dust.

And to the naming thing, it was also how poor, dear and darling Zeph's name came to be Zephyranthes. Charming for a baby perhaps, but long-winded and worth bullying, apparently.

You swallowed at the thought and continued speaking to your weirdo little sister.

"You deserve to have fun at that sleepover. And as long as it's a small sleepover, I'm sure things won't get rowdy and you'll finally be staying away from trouble!"

"Hey! I'm not some troublemaker, yaknow! I can handle myself!" 

"I know you can, sweet pea. But peer pressure can be a lot and I would never blame you for caving to it... unless you hurt someone really badly. Then I'd blame you a little."

Your sister giggled a little and slapped you on the arm, lightly.

"They're not all bad. I've never been peer pressured by them before."

You didn't believe her for a second, but you nodded as if you did.

"Well then they better keep that track record. Or else I might have something to say about it..." You spoke in a low tone.

Amar giggled at your words, seemingly not taking the threat seriously, but paused. She seemed to be debating telling you something. You waited patiently. You were twenty minutes early so more parents were rolling into the car bay to drop off their kids that were flooding onto school grounds. You had taken up a space a bit out of the way so you didn't get trampled.

"Um, yaknow Jen's blonde friend?"

Your eye twitched in annoyance. As stated before, you hated Jennifer's friends more than Jennifer herself. You had only seen the group a handful of times and every time you got the urge to bludgeon them until their annoying high school girl giggles turned into their own gurgling blood. But that was just a silly fantasy that you tossed aside.

"Which one?" Maybe one of the more bearable ones...

"Kitty."

No such luck then. What sort of parent calls their child Kitty? Never mind, you knew what kind... from personal experience.

"I know of her," The one always causing the drama- how could you forget?

Amar had spent many evenings ranting about her and the new shit she was causing. Teenagers can be so fucking awful. Kitty was no exception. In fact, she was the epitome of it. If the girl had any redeeming qualities you certainly hadn't heard of them.

"We were planning on going to her place some time- not straight after the sleepover or anything! But just some time! At least she doesn't have a creepy brother!"

You must've had a look on your face because your sister groaned and rubbed her hands on her eyes, exasperatedly. You didn't think she had any right to act like that when she was friends with brats.

"There's no pleasing you, is there?"

You sighed.

"Can you at least send me her address? So that I'll know where you are when it happens?"

"Sure!" Amar grinned, nodding thoughtfully, "I'm excited because she has a treehouse!"

Rich people...

"Oh, that's lovely! You'll have to tell me all about it, Amour. I've never been to a treehouse before, it sounds fun."

Still, you were happy for her. Even if you were getting an awful feeling about all this.

"You haven't?"

"No..." You smiled wistfully, "Like I said, it sounds fun though. So when you get back you'll need to tell me all the details!"

"I just said we're not going right away," She grinned something smug and nudged you lightly.

"And I was just saying that when you do, you should tell me about it," You replied, quirking a brow in slight irritation.

"Haha! Okie dokie, you can count on me!"

"I know..." Your voice dropped into something more cautious, dangerous, sharp, "Be safe at your sleepover, my dear. Don't let them push you around, alright?"

Amar seemed to ponder on this for a while. You weren't sure for what reason, they were fairly simple instructions. Difficult to put into practice, perhaps, but overall simple. You were afraid that they'd get her into trouble- hurt her, insult her, make her do something she'd regret. Anything.

You wished you could be there to protect her, but even you knew that your sweet pea Amour wasn't a child anymore. She could fend for herself. You had to trust in her. So, you'd try your best.

"I'll be careful. I promise. And I'll call you if anything bad happens," She nodded, thoughtfully.

You couldn't stop the giddy grin on your face. She was trusting you, as well, in turn. And that was beautiful.

You'd see to it that Amar would be totally safe and happy no matter what. Even if it killed you. It didn't matter as long as you could do this one thing for this amazing girl you loved so dearly. A pleasant breeze passed over the both of you as you gazed at her beautiful, smooth face. You admired her gorgeous self. She was growing into a fine young woman that you couldn't be prouder of. She and your other siblings were your greatest achievements in life. Even if you could never pursue your dream job and were stuck bartending for the rest of your life, it would be worth it just to see them grow and flourish like the flowers they were.

"Please do. You know I'll be right there if you need me. No matter what!"

"I know, ya creep," She teased, making a jab at when she woke up one night and saw you watching her sleep.

"I'm not a creep," You grumbled, awkwardly.

You had to scream at your subconscious that desperately yelled at you about how fucking weird you were being with that hot stranger. That tender stranger who ran his fingers through your son's silky fur. That gorgeous smile he gave at you when he looked you in the eyes like you were the only thing on the planet he needed to pay attention to.

And that blush... oh, that blush that you longed to see more of. More and more and more. Just what would make him do that? If you held his hand? If you held him? If you kissed him? These thoughts ran through your head at one hundred miles an hour. You had to know him. Everything about him. Every little detail of him and his life and the world he lived in and saw from a day to day basis.

Even crawling into his own mind wouldn't be enough. But just his name and contact details would suffice for now. For now. Nothing would satiate the hunger burning inside of you. Deep inside. As if rooted in the very atoms that made up your corporeal form and then deeper, deeper into the quiet chasm that was your very existence. Your spirit. Your heart. Your thoughts and subconscious all for him- all made for him.

Nothing but him. You needed him. You had to have him, to protect him, to hold him. To make sure nothing would ever hurt him. Nothing would ever touch him. Nobody could ever be good enough for him and his graceful, angelic presence. That smile. That stunning smile, those rows of razor-sharp teeth. All of him was too good for anyone. Including yourself. But you could give him a good life, you were sure of that.

You could take care of him, love him, nurture him. If he would just need you the way every inch of every fibre of every part of you needed him as well. Vibrating with euphoria at the idea of gazing into those soft, tender and yet piercing, watery eyes that dragged you under over and over again. But you didn't mind. You'd let him drag you in. Drown you. Burn you from the inside out if that's what he desired. He was everything- everything.

The past two days had been a fruitless endeavour, but at least when you returned home this time you could spend the free time you had searching once again.

"Uh-huh? Says the creep who-"

You snapped out of it.

"Yeah, yeah, I know. You'll never let me live that down but I've already said that watching you be safe keeps me calm, you little snipe," You messed up her hair by ruffling it and she groaned.

Same skin tone, same hair, same eyes. Most of your siblings looked similar like that, though V loved dying their hair and June always had a darker shade of H/C, while the triplets all looked exactly the same, with a lighter hair tone that the rest of you didn't have. 

"You literally sound like Edward Cullen," She complained, fixing her hair, "Next thing you know, you'll be saying you 'can't live without me'." 

You gulped, knowing how accurate that was. Edward had been so desperate to chase Bella down, to know everything about her. Was that not exactly the same sort of thing you were doing for this tall, handsome stranger with those enigmatic, galactic irises that reeled you into the deep end with no hope of clawing your way out?

Wasn't that the same?

In the book... Bella was flattered by Edward's obsession, by his stalking, by knowing that he would follow her into death. She wasn't terrified of him or his strangeness or the danger he posed to her. And finding out he watched her sleep, she wasn't deterred. In fact, if anything it made her like him even more. Would he react that way? Or would he turn you away and scorn you as any normal person would?

It was a silly pipe dream. A hopeless hope. An addictive, fanatical sort of desire that you clung to and prayed for. You had barely slept at all the past two days. You had been out, frantically searching like a mad man and, of course, you came up with no results. Just fatigue and disappointment. You had to find him again. This wasn't just a simple wish. This was something all-consuming. A fire taking everything in its path, destroying everything in its wake. Burning your skin, searing the hands that grasped at straws and licking the throat that screamed in pain and anguish for him.

"Are you saying you could?" You deflected.

"Yes."

You gasped, offended as you placed a hand on your chest.

"Rude!" But you were glad.

After all, you wouldn't be around forever. And when the time came for you to pass on, as sad as it was, you never wanted to be the reason she was distraught. Or any of your siblings to be honest. If you died it was almost preferable for them to forget you, even if it hurt. As long as they were happy, you could try and be happy, too.

"I'm kidding!" She laughed, "Jesus! Who do you take me for?? Bros before hoes, mom."

"And the hoes in this situation are...?" You raised a brow.

"I don't know... moving out? Getting a job? College? Literal hoes?"

"Ah, yes, because they'll just be throwing themselves at you once you flee the nest," You rolled your eyes.

"HEY! I-I just haven't hit my second growth spurt yet! One of these days I'll have the biggest boo-" You snatched a hand over her mouth in an instant.

Parents were looking at you again. You discreetly nudged your head in their direction. Amar just looked unimpressed and when she licked your hand, you waited a few more seconds before pulling your hand away and wiping it on her face.

"Ew! Gross! Seriously?"

You deadpanned.

"It's your own fault, you weirdo. You can dish it but you can't take it?"

"It's not funny when it happens to me!" She whined and you snickered at her.

As childish as she was, she was a bright kid. And she had a wonderful future ahead of her and you'd see to it that she could be comfortable and nurtured as she approached it. It was the least you could do. Having no future yourself, you didn't want that for her. You didn't want her to live the same, routine life that you did. With no hope of escaping the cycle.

Amaryllis deserved her own life. You knew. But the selfish desire to keep her forever was so tempting it was hard to ignore. But you ignored it regardless. Her happiness was what you wanted forevermore.

Even if it meant you weren't sure what to do with your life afterwards.

"Right..." You folded your arms, amused at your dumb sister, "You take care, you little deviant. At both your dumb sleepover and your dumb high school."

Perhaps that's something you and your father had in common. Basing everything you were around living people, unable to stop yourselves so that when they were gone, so were you.

You never went to college. You didn't have the time or money. As soon as you finished high school you got a job and started working your ass off to get your siblings out of the toxic environment that your father had made for them. June went into the army as soon as possible, Zephyr went straight into a career- right into college.

That left you with V, Amar and the triplets. You worked yourself half to death to provide a life for them and they had all turned out to be amazing kids that you couldn't be prouder of. Amar was the only one attending high school. V went far away to pursue their career. They got a full scholarship in a far off state. You sent them on their way, even though it pained you, you tried to be happy for them. You knew that you'd only hold them back with your doting.

They looked happy to leave. You knew that if you were them, you would've left too.

"Even you agree high school is dumb. This is why I suggested homeschooling."

That did sound nice, having someone at home all the time. But you knew if you did that you'd never be able to let her go. And she had to make a life of her own, you knew that. You'd never tie her down to you, no matter how much you would've loved it, admittedly. To take care of someone forever.

Your heart ached as your mind swerved back towards those luscious, fantastical, deep blue eyes that matched that strange sweater. You adjusted the glasses on your face, hands clammy at just the thought of him again.

You could take care of him forever. You would've been glad to. You would've given up everything... butterflies fluttered in your stomach as a shy smile came on your face at the idea of returning home from a long day of work to his open and tender arms ready to embrace you and thank you for taking care of him. Children running around the house as he held you in his arms.

"You're too much of a hassle when I have you for like six hours each day. You expect me to take care of you 24/7? I think the fuck not, pardon my language."

None of that could even begin to happen if you didn't even know his name. You kept kicking yourself, viciously in your mind. You should've done better. You shouldn't have left so abruptly. Sure, he was probably annoyed with your pestering, but he could've given you his name if you had just asked instead of running off like a fucking idiot-

And now you'd never have the chance. Ever.

"You were the one complaining about how much you'd miss me!" She scoffed, indignantly, "Nothing's ever enough for you!"

Your mind jumped back to your siblings again as your sister spoke in a joking tone. You wanted to keep them forever, it was true. But your siblings had already been held back so much. You didn't want to be the reason they couldn't be happy.

But what about my happiness? The thought made your throat dry as you shoved the thoughts away. A familiar face bubbled into your mind. Striking blue eyes, his large hand taking care of Garrett. That smile. That gorgeous smile you could never escape from. Even in your dreams, he was there. You had to find him again.

But no, that wasn't important. You swallowed it down and turned back to your lovely daughter. She was important right now. Not you. Not... not your weird infatuated with that kind, beautiful, generous, sweet, sexy stranger-

"You're like Sharpay from High School Musical! You just 'Want It All'!"

You furrowed your brows, thoroughly unamused.

"You're bizarre, hun. Utterly bizarre."

"You want me to talk about the time you took a whole art gallery's worth of pictures of Rob when he wasn't looking?"

A hard, red blush settled across your face, already sweltering in the heat. It was true, you had that sort of tendency. Rob was your first boyfriend and it had broken your heart when you parted ways but in the end, it was for the better.

Besides, he didn't hold a candle to the man you had met just two days ago. And no matter how much walking around you did in your spare time, going back to the previous spot you had seen him at, you couldn't seem to find him again. You had made the mistake of running off and not coming back to see if he was still there or to see where he went. You had made the mistake of not asking for his number or even his name.

So many rookie mistakes... just what were you thinking??? Why did he get such a harsh reaction from you?? You just wanted to hold and to touch him and to gaze into his gorgeous, delicious eyes for the rest of time.

"Alright! Fine! Whatever! Just go have fun at your sleepover and look after yourself, you damned miscreant!" You messed with her hair as she complained again.

"Hey, watch it! It took me hours to get these space buns in!" They looked cute on her, but she looked even cuter pouting like that.

"Be safe, be polite, and call me if you need anything," You ignored her as her scornful gaze faded, "Anything at all."

"Thanks, mom," Amar's voice became more earnest and thankful.

You leaned down and kissed her on the head. She took the kiss with a pleased smile as a comfortable, fuzzy feeling filled your heart and stomach. True, family love. A bond that was completely unbreakable. When you pulled away, she seemed to believe that you were coming to grips with this arrangement. But you weren't, in all honesty.

You had gotten good at pretending.

You could never imagine just sitting by and letting Zeph get harassed by people for any reason. Whether her name was something common or her own, whether she was queer or not. The idea of befriending any of the worthless riffraff that dared to hurt her or any of your loved ones made you sick to your stomach. And that's why you hated Jennifer. Jennifer, who stood by and shrugged it off, telling your sweet baby angel that they were 'just kidding'. Jennifer, who sought out drama and stuck her nose where it didn't belong.

You were reminded of the time the little brat asked how old you were and then tried to pry as to why you were a "teen mom". You shut her down quickly and Amar had said you embarrassed her. Thankfully you turned it into a teachable moment and ever since, Amar hadn't brought the menace back. 

It rubbed you the wrong way that those girls would be attending the sleepover.

"I love you, my dear."

You truly did. More than any heart could handle. If she got hurt when you could've protected her- if they did something to her at the sleepover-

"Love you too, mom!"

And like that, your worries washed away. She headed into the school gates and you saw her off with a wave. A couple of students were looking your way. You ignored them because only one student mattered in that godforsaken place. And that was your daughter, your beloved sweetie pie- your Amaryllis.

But without her there, your mind was free to wander. And of course, it defaulted back to the man that had been on your mind the whole day (and the day before that, and the day before that... and the day before that, which was the day you first saw him...) with no signs of disappearing.

Every time you saw his face in your mind's eye, your heart squealed in delight. Your chest squeezed in on itself, threatening to crush your aching, soaring, enthused heart. Every time you remembered the words he said verbatim, your entire body jolted with a searing sort of pleasure you couldn't quite describe. It wasn't sexual, it was pure and sweet like candy filling every inch of you, creating a warm fuzzy feeling all over your nerves and brain.

Thinking of him was like thinking of a beautiful happy memory. He was a beautiful, happy memory. That smile that nearly brought you to your knees. Those eyes sparkling in the sunny day like a pond in a quiet, peaceful woodland. He looked so genuinely serene. Like some sort of ethereal force of light enjoying the tranquillity of a quiet river.

Oh, and how his voice was so tantalising. So perfect. The deep and dulcet tones of his words sent goosebumps prickling up your spine. You had tried imagining what certain things would sound like in that Siren's song of a voice of his, but none could compare to the real thing that you so desperately craved. You coveted that darling voice to tell you everything he knew. All about his childhood and his good memories, his previous relationships (you promised yourself that you wouldn't get jealous; if anything it would just help you learn more about the things he liked out of relationships in general, and that was something you could thank any other partners he had in the past (unless they hurt him, in which case you were not above destroying everything that made them happy in the way they may have done to him... which was no exaggeration. You would have dragged them through mud and dirt and across concrete by their hair and stomped their already mushy and bloodied face into a curb with their mouth biting into it, splitting their jaw from their skull with a sickening crack. You would've watched intently, drinking in the very moment the life left their eyes, listening to the keening scream that would rip from the back of their throat and feeling their shoulders and body jolt with sobs of pain as thick ropes of hot, crimson blood spurt out and stain your clothes- stain your shoes- stain your skin- oh, your poor, sweet angel... you just hoped he was okay now...)), the things that made him happy, the things that made him sad.

His favourite foods, his favourite music, his favourite colours- everything. It was difficult not to want everything from him when you remembered what he had said to you.

" You're  cute..."

His words rung throughout your head and you couldn't hide the giddy grin and blush on your face in remembrance of it. He called you cute! He even called you sweet! You had replayed that night after night, lying awake before running off to try one last time to see if your search would turn up results. No such luck.

He was just being polite. That's what you told yourself because it was true. His tone was nervous so he was clearly uncomfortable. And who wouldn't be if a weird speed freak looking bitch in their cupcake pyjamas came up to them and started petting the same cat they had been petting just a moment earlier? He was probably freaked out at first and then felt too awkward to just leave with her there.

Besides, who would call you cute? He was bizarre and yet enchanting. You hung off his every word and when he said that... it made you want to believe him. Which was definitely a first. Rob and Trent had said such things to you before but you were always too keen to push it aside. Maybe it was because he seemed so gleeful yet nervous when he said it. But you weren't delusional. He was probably nervous because he didn't know how to end the conversation and felt forced to continue.

You had been there, and you felt that. That's why you were so quick to flee. You didn't want him to feel forced to talk to you.

What was he supposed to say anyway? "Welp! Bye!" or something? You had put him on the spot and he didn't know how to make his exit. It was good that you made yours instead. After all, you didn't think you'd be able to take the heartbreak of him admitting how weird you were or something before scurrying off. Although you would've understood, it still made your heart clench and tears want to raise in your eyes.

What a horrible first impression to the person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. Maybe under better circumstances, you could fix things?? You fucked it up and you had to make it up somehow... or else- or else you'd never see him again.

The worst part was, you had nobody to go to about this sickening obsession you had begun to nurture. Any normal person would've gone to a therapist but after going to a counsellor in high school and having your feelings shared with your parents like that, you were keen on avoiding ALL people in such roles.

Except for V, who was a prodigy of a psychology student and you were sure one day they would totally change the game when it came to counsellors, therapists and the like of it. They were truly amazing and you were utterly proud of them beyond compare! You were proud of all your kids/siblings. June for succeeding in the army and thus he would likely be able to attend college and whatnot. Zephyr for her dedicated career path into beauty- and now she was a very important make-up artist in the industry! The triplets were all in college dedicating their studies to History, Forensic Pathology and Engineering. Chrys and Cozy Cossy had always been more science-y than Cole-flower, but you hadn't expected him to go into History and yet he was extremely good at it! So you were proud nevertheless.

You still weren't sure what Amar wanted to do but you'd support her no matter what. Looking at her reports, she had exceptional grades in Biology and she loved the aquarium. So perhaps she'd go into Marine Biology in the future? Whatever pathway she chose you hoped that she would allow you to help her if she needed it.

You also hoped that your other siblings and her might be willing to accept another person into the family. You didn't know anything about the stranger except that he liked cats, he was too enticing for his own good, he had the most symphonious, soulful voice that touched your heart. And that you couldn't stop thinking about him and that bewitching smile, that irresistible blush, that awkward yet charming fashion sense and those prepossessing, alluring eyes of his that (as cheesy as it was) you could get lost in.

Every thought led straight back to him... it was like he had caged you in your own mind. And you liked it.

The sudden realisation caused you to halt straight on the path a burning sensation behind your whole face and in your neck, peeking between the monochrome colours of your skin. Running a hand through your hair, you sighed and tried to suppress the dumbfounded and absolutely, positively lovestruck grin on your face.

This was the first time you had fallen in so deeply. And over him stroking your cat? Maybe it was because he was so gentle with him, maybe it was because you loved cats, or maybe it was because you liked the idea of someone treating the people you loved the most in a kindly way, or maybe it was a combination of all three.

If you didn't know who he was soon then it would kill you from the inside out. You would die. You just would. You didn't know how- maybe from a broken heart? You just knew- you could feel it in your very soul- in your blood, your bones, in everything that you were (all of which was meant for him) that you simply wouldn't be able to handle not knowing. You would get desperate eventually. And you had no leads. No idea of what his name was. You'd have to go to extra measures that you had already contemplated before.

And you didn't want to turn to that. You wanted to prove to Zephyranthes that you didn't always turn to violence. That it wasn't your first instinct to hurt people. How could you do that when those were the very same thoughts warping your mind so dangerously?

There was no other option. If you wanted to remain sane you simply had to find him. You had to. There was no choice in the matter. Your fate had already been sealed the moment you had your very first breath, the moment your existence began, and the moment you saw him stroking Garrett so gently, so caringly.

There no fighting that magnetic pull. If you couldn't chase him to the ends of the Earth then you didn't know what you'd do. This was no longer just a want. It was a need. Deep within your soul, sowed into the very fabric of your being. There were no other options. There was no fighting it.

You needed to know. Because if you didn't, you might just go insane. Yearning for him. Ripping into your flesh, carving into yourself, deep within you as if trying to get it out- get it out- you needed to know- you HAD TO KNOW-

You took in deep breaths as you walked, clenching and unclenching your fists. It made you uncomfortable just how in the deep end you were. You had never even gotten close to feeling this way about anybody else. It both scared and excited you. You had been in a relationship with Rob for a good two years in high school and you hadn't ever felt this way about him. Probably because he was so dry and boring and he never had any free time to hang out with you. But being a high school teen you devoted your whole heart and soul to him and the relationship.

So when he left you for that bitch Emma (or whatever her name was), the girl he told you not to worry about, you fell to pieces. Juniper never liked him anyway, and apparently beat him up downtown at one point because of it. It may have been sadistic but the thought that he was in pain after screwing you over so thoroughly was something to be enjoyed by you.

Of course, on the outside, you reprimanded Juniper for it. On the inside, you relished it. And on the down-low, you subtly rewarded Juniper when you shouldn't have. You had a feeling he knew and you had a feeling he knew your anger with him was just for appearances. When you gave him extra homemade cookies, or an extra serving of food, or put just a little bit more effort into helping him with his Homework, he looked at you as though he understood. It was like a little secret only the two of you shared.

Usually, you would hate to see any of the people you loved being hurt. Rob was the exception, just this once.

Although you were certain Rob wasn't cheating on you, since you checked through his phone, through his laptop, through his fucking game boy- his emails, his texts, even the texts he had with his guy friends to get any clue, it still hurt knowing throughout the whole relationship he didn't return your feelings in the slightest. You were just a distraction from his true end goal. His "Girl Best Friend", who you had been insecure about since the start of your relationship. They spent all their spare time together and whenever she was around it was like she was bragging about how much she knew him better, about how close they were.

The relationship you had with Trent was shorter, about five months and you had met him at Amaryllis' favourite milkshake and eatery place. It was called something like... Daz's Diner? Dan's Darn Diner? Damn Diner? Dad's Diner???? You met him there and he was sweet and interesting but the spark you had fizzled out like it had been doused in water. It was a mutual break-up, even though it still hurt a good bit and you couldn't understand at the time but you started to realise it was because you felt unlovable. Trent was charming- he was it. No guy had been funnier or more intriguing than him (until that blue-eyed, lanky stranger) so when the relationship ended, even though it was for the best, it felt like you'd never have anything better.

Until that blue-eyed stranger. That tender fellow. That gentle giant who ran his large hands over your cat who rubbed against him so contentedly. He was handsome, charismatic in his own right, and he was happy, too. Seeing him happy brought a warm sort of joy to your whole being. It made you giddy to see more. You wanted to be the one to make him smile, to bring out that charming grin of his and to hear that melodious laugh that made your heart thrum in your chest and soar like a bird in the summer breeze.

You weren't sure what it was about him. You weren't sure why you hadn't had the same reaction to anyone else before. He was a total interloper. You didn't know him. You didn't know a thing about him, except that he was unexplainably magnetic and he drew you in with everything that he was. And that, despite how strange it was, you wanted to give him every happiness possible. You wanted to take care of him, to give him all the love and affection and attention that he would ever need.

You were a simple person with not many needs and requirements. You just needed to be needed in turn and then you could give everything you were to him. You didn't mind. As long as he returned the favour.

Oh, how lovely that would be...

Imagining him returning your affections was like a deep, warm slumber, swaddled in blankets as snow poured somewhere outside. But you were safe, wrapped up in this fantasy. Imagining those soft, mellifluous tones of his tenor voice reverberating through your ears as his thin arms wrapped around your body and held you close, whispering sweet nothings into your ear. Or- imagining holding him close to your chest as you comforted him with your own gentle assurances and loving utterances in a soft whisper that only he could hear. To show him that he was the only thing in the world that mattered to you in those moments.

You would've hibernated for life if it meant you never had to wake up to the reality that was the door to your house as you stopped your walk and your enamoured daydreams, by extension. But if you hibernated for life just to immerse yourself in a beautiful but false unreality... you'd never see him again.

Whoever he was.

And that just wouldn't do. Because if you never saw him again, you knew you'd regret it. There'd never be another one like him. There just wouldn't. Somehow, you knew it, deep in the depths of your besotted heart. You just knew that you'd never find someone else like him ever again. So you had to find him or else you'd never know if you could've had something with him. You'd never felt this way about anybody before and you just felt it in your bones... you'd never feel this way about anybody ever again.

So if you didn't pursue this feeling... you'd never have another chance.

A hard lump of anxiety formed in the pit of your stomach. The realisation hit you like a bucket of ice water, making your hand hesitate against the door handle. There would never be another kind, lovely yet odd stranger like him. There would never be another person you'd feel like this for.

So you had to find him. There was quite literally no room for failure. Or else you'd be alone... forever.

And you'd never get to see that smile or hear that laugh or gaze into those deep pools of murky blue that were his luminescent eyes. And an existence without that, without this feeling, without him- was it even worth living in the end?

He couldn't find you.

He couldn't find you and it bothered him immensely.

When you came over, he had thought you were odd, to say the least, but that was overtaken by the complete and utter adoration he felt when seeing you. You were a mess, but an authentic mess and it was very cute. You in those cupcake pyjamas that hugged your form, lighter and thin in the summer heat. Sweat making your forehead and arms shimmer under the sun's golden gaze. You looked like you had just run a few miles at full speed, lazily tied shoelaces and shaky hands that were small enough for his whole hand to encapsulate.

That look of relief when you found your cat. He really had thought that he must've been a stray for a moment, but when he saw how well taken care of he was, and how friendly he was, he thought that the owners must've been stupid to let him wander off without a collar. Until he realised that you were the owner.

Well-meaning, but naïve. Avoiding his eye contact at every turn. And the delightful red on your cheeks at the compliments he gave. You must've loved cats- after all, why would you have and dote on one as much as you did if you didn't? He loved cats as well, that was just another thing the two of you had in common. And now that he saw you, he wasn't willing to give you up.

Those soft and yet slightly iridescent E/C eyes lovingly peered into his soul. He felt as if you understood everything about him- like from that one moment of eye contact, your destinies were intertwined. There was so much passion in that gaze of yours. So much to be seen and desired. He wanted to reach into your mind and understand all the secrets of the world that you clearly knew. As if you had been seeing the world in technicolour all along when he had been seeing in black and white.

It certainly felt that way for a long, long time. But then your eyes met and it was as though a door had opened, allowing light to flood into the world. There was such adoration in that smile that you half-heartedly covered with one hand. You simply had to understand what he was feeling. You must've felt the same deep and sparking connection.

And when his eyes roamed that body of yours- monochrome skin sun-kissed and lathered in sweat-

"Nnnnghhh-" He bit his lip, a gasping intake of breath as his fingers stroked a bit too roughly.

Would you treat him roughly? Or be gentle? Lining your titillating, tender entrance with the head of his throbbing cock. His tip was red and swollen for you.

"Ahn!" Oh, the sweet moans he could pull from that glorious mouth of yours.

He would give anything in the world to stare into those breath-taking eyes that shone in the sunlight that dipped behind swinging trees in the coming summer breeze, shining almost opalescent in the golden sun. The way wisps of your H/C hair chased after the lukewarm air that brushed past your collarbone and dragged the hem of your shirt along with it. You must not have noticed how the apex of your hip was revealed to him. After all, you had no reaction to it. As if it didn't even matter. 

It mattered. It took everything in him not to grab you by the waist and pull you in right then and there. He saw the way you pressed your lips together to suppress a smile. The way goosebumps prickled on your arms despite the weather being so hot. There was no way you didn't feel the way he did. There was no way you didn't want this. You had lived life simply to find him in those moments. After all, wasn't that why you were there?

Because he was your boyfriend. And you were his Soulmate. You just had to be. The stars aligned and the heavens opened up to bring you to him. His perfect match. His soulmate. His lover. And what a beautiful and perfect gift you were. Just waiting to be unwrapped by him. Just waiting for him to ruin you. And he had been waiting for so long for someone like you to ruin him in return.

"Darling! Ahh- ah!" He didn't know your name so he couldn't say anything else as he pumped himself languidly.

But he knew those eyes. Mysterious, like a puzzle just waiting to be solved by him. Those eyelashes fluttering against your warm cheeks, alight with a blush that broke through the monochrome colour of your skin, tinted with a lovely, complimentary pink.

It was like you sought to open him up and read him like a book (you looked so intelligent, so you probably read a lot, right? he wondered what sort of books you liked- romance? mystery? thriller? ... smut?) with those flickering, lustrous irises. He could feel you analysing his whole face when you thought his eyes were focused on your cat. But they were always focused on you, even if they weren't completely looking your way.

In his peripheral, he watched your gaze scan over him. He watched you suppress that angelic laugh of yours. Speaking of your delicious voice, your kind words made him fall even harder for you. He was delighted by your flattery, and it was the first time he felt attractive in a long time. He had people make comments about his shark-like teeth, but they were never from you and they were never as genuine and kind as yours. Very few people liked their natural sharpness, though it lended itself well to his scene phase in high school.

His hands gripped his burning flesh, the teeth you thought were "cool" sinking into the flesh of the lips he was practically begging you to lean in and kiss. He could almost see you in his head, leaning forward, brushing your fingers over his skin instead, lips ducked down into his neck, nipping and kissing roughly, before tenderly pressing against his own as he squirmed under your soft yet salacious stroking.

"Thanks- I-I think you're sweet as well."

It was like you had this magical ability to open your mouth and say exactly what he wanted to hear. In just a few words you confirmed that you were enjoying his company just as much as he was enjoying yours. He yearned for more. And that was just one conversation. The first and only conversation he had ever had with you. The first of many. He wanted more, more, more.

It would've been so easy to grab you then and there. He could've held you down with ease if he wanted to. Fucked you into the pavement as you were screaming for him to cum inside and breed you. Even if you couldn't have kids, just the idea of filling you up to the brim made him moan into the open bedroom, slipping fully into his fantasies as his dick twitched in his hands, threatening to spill over as he pumped over and over again, tongue sliding out of his mouth, drool slipping down his chin.

Waiting was worth it to see the flustered expressions adorning your radiant face. At first, he thought that he had messed it up and scared you away by coming off too strong. But you surprised him with your compassion and genuine friendliness.

"I-I'm not scared..."

You weren't scared! You weren't afraid of him. You wouldn't be afraid of these urges- the urge to stab, slash and gut anybody that dared to touch you. Only HE should touch you. After all, he was your boyfriend. Every inch of his existence- his body, mind, soul was made for you. How could you reject all of him- every piece of him that was made only and purely for you- after you showed such admiration for him in those mesmerising eyes of yours?

He couldn't help but notice your low self-image and it hurt him to hear you didn't think you were as beautiful as you truly were. That, or you were just incredibly humble. He was sure he could've figured you out by now if he had observed you. However, you were proving most... illusive.

Not only that, but the thought that he wasn't the only one out looking for you enraged him. Searching in the night for your delicate form had allowed him to find a boatload of nothing. Nothing except a figure he was sure was searching in the same places as him. Were you being followed by someone already? He had tried to follow them into the dark alleyways they had been travelling in but they seemed to vanish at every corner he turned. He had spotted them at least four times in similar areas. At the park, the place they had met and at a few shops nearby in the town.

If someone was out to hurt you- or out to take you away from him, he was not above finding and killing them, stabbing them over and over again until they bled out. Brutalising them, mauling them, tearing them to blood and pulp until their eyes hung like egg yolk in their sockets and their teeth serrated their own gums... until their skin was just an empty sack and their guts were spread all over the ground... so that he could bring their corpse to your door so that you could finally know that you were safe.

Thankfully, however, the figure in black, as suspicious as they were, did not bother him. And after the third time, he was somewhat sure that it might've just been a coincidence that he was seeing them all over the place. He was sure that they had spotted him at least once, what with his glowing eyes. It was difficult for him to hide, but they didn't bother him and they didn't outwardly indicate a desire to find his Darling. Just that they were looking for something in some of the same areas. He had caught them looking right at him the fourth time and they simply fled the area.

But whoever the fuck that was didn't matter because you were what was important. You and your ethereal presence lingered in his hazy mind. When he made even the slightest bit of contact his cheeks went aflame and when you backtracked immediately after it made him positively terrified that you would run. That you would push him away.

And you had, but he was sure it wasn't because of his own faults and somehow that hurt him even more. Knowing that you weren't scared of him, but scared of his rejection. He just felt it in his soul, hearing how you couldn't believe he thought you were the most gorgeous person he had ever seen (well... he hadn't exactly said it like that, to be fair...), seeing you shudder with anxiety and prickle under his sharp gaze (which was satisfying when he chose to believe you had a crush on him). He wanted you to be happy and in his warm embrace, holding him- or him holding you, he could go either way-

"MmMMMMMmmmnn! Darling!" He moaned, tilting his head back at the very thought.

When you had picked up your (Balinese!) cat and apologised over and over again he just wanted to reach out and assure you that it was okay. To put his hand on yours- he had been so close before, and when his fingers brushed yours it sent shivers down his spine... if only you hadn't pulled away so quickly...- and tell you it was alright, that you were really no trouble and that he enjoyed speaking to you. Maybe a little too much... and maybe he wanted to do more than talking...

However, you took off immediately. The apologies and urgency to get away from him had been shocking enough, so he froze up and that was the worst mistake of his life. Because you were quick. He hadn't seen you before, ever. So he didn't know that about you before it was too late and you were already taking off, rocketing down the street at an impressive speed.

He scrambled to give chase after you but you were already gone when he turned the corner you had run down. He panicked. He didn't even know your name, who you were, where you lived- how was he supposed to pursue you and watch over you and guard you if he didn't know these things?

His first instinct was to search around the neighbourhood. From what little you had said about your cat's wandering habits, you had to have lived close by or else you wouldn't have thought to look there. But despite his deductive skills, he came up with no results. He looked at every house closely but found no trace of anything that would point to your living there. He thought maybe if you were so quick you had been doing a lot of exercise, so he dropped by the local gym, he searched up and down the jogging track and the park itself to see if you might've been there on any morning runs.

But there was nothing. Nothing, nothing, nothing.

It frustrated and terrified him. Just the thought of that disbelieving smile and your gentle laugh that you unconsciously suppressed behind those soft and deft hands of yours. He felt how warm they were from the summer heat, from your running.

How could he find you when he knew so little about you? How could he protect you and ensure nobody was going to hurt you or take you away from him if he didn't even know where you lived? Or who you were? Or who was a possible threat? All he knew was that you had a Balinese cat, that you were utterly, inconceivably adorable and that you were a fast runner. He had nothing else to go off.

Those two days were like utter hell to him. The only time he found solace was at home when he could fantasise to his heart's content about all the things he could do to you when he finally found you. Hold you close, fuck you hard right into the pavement you were sat on, without a care of who was watching-

Ohhh, but then everyone would get to see you like that. And he wanted to be the only one to see all of you.

To run his fingers all over your supple, bare skin. To watch as your face flooded with colour. To see you squirm as he shoved his tongue inside- around- all over your body, as he sucked you down for every last drop. He wanted that pretty little body wrapped around his. He wanted to grip the meat of your body in his hands as he pounded into you with every bit of who he was. He wanted everything- every bit of you.

To drink your sweet essence. To taste your tongue. To push you over the edge of ecstasy over and over again until he had wrung you dry for every last drop you had in you.

He could just picture his teeth sinking into your neck. He could just imagine his cock sinking into your sweet hole, as it tightened around him. Those gorgeous tears in your eyes as he delicately soothed you and ran his hands through those silky, H/C locks of yours. Gazing into your eyes as your mouth closed around his leaking dick. Letting you wrap your arms around him as you lay together, legs intertwined. Or waking you up as light slipped through the curtains to his tongue running along your sex and making you release over and over again until you begged for him to stop.

And he would stop if you asked him to. Because he loved every inch of you and would never dream of treating his darling wrong. His darling...

It was excellent masturbation material. And after a stressful day of searching all over for those hypnotic E/C eyes and that soft voice, that gentle smile, it felt amazing to wrap his hand around himself and unwind, imagining you below him taking every inch. Unfortunately, it would never beat the real thing. He would've loved to have watched you sleep, all peaceful like. He would've loved to hold your hand and imagine that you were already his.

You had to be. It was fate that you had met in the first place. Who were you if not his Soulmate? His only reason for existence. Every road of his life would lead back to you. So he tried not to stress too much, because it was your mutual destiny to find each other once again. He just wished it would happen sooner already. Every second without you- every second that he wasn't worshipping you or basking in your presence was a second wasted. Life was dull without you.

He longed to feel the warmth of your skin against his, to hear those delightful moans, to make you scream his name.

If he had hair, he would be tearing it out. He could not go on with life without trying. Without a taste. Without an assured future with you. He needed you. And you needed him too, he could feel it. What was life without you? He hadn't even known of your existence before, he had just been living adrift in life. But now that he had gotten a taste he couldn't go back. He didn't know how he had survived without you. Every time you gazed deep into his eyes like you were drinking his very presence in, he felt electricity sparking in his whole body. Warmth pooled in his stomach as you smiled and laughed with him.

He was hooked. You were like a drug to him. When you called him sweet, it was like he had just gotten his fix and utter euphoria flooded through him. And when you ran away, he felt his heart shatter. He yelled at himself inwardly, trying to give chase. But you were just so quick. He had scared you off. He just hoped to find you again, to try and make up for it with a date or something.

You were such a tease. You had to know the way you were affecting him. You just had to. He was fairly obvious about his natural body reactions, the blush on his face and the stammering. You had completely floored him with your adorable smile and your tender love towards your cat (who he was deeply jealous of... he wanted to be the one you were running your hands over and smiling at like he was the only thing in the world that mattered). And the way you evaded his eyes was almost too much for him. You were too cute for life itself. He wasn't lying when he called you cute.

He thought he had been obvious with his flirting. You had to know he was interested. So why did you run away? Were you playing hard to get? Maybe you wanted him to find you... maybe you were waiting for him.

The very thought made his thick tongue lull out of his mouth, drool rolling down his chin as he pumped his hand up and down his length. God, he wanted you. This was the fourth time he had gotten hard this evening. He was addicted. He needed you. He needed that salacious body of yours (which he knew would take all of him in with little complaint), he needed to hear those darling noises that you'd make wrapped around him.

He needed you to hold him, to take it slow, to run those nimble fingers over his bare chest, over the scars that would be left behind from all the self-loathing he felt from making you run away. When his dick was stinging from all the raw fisted grabbing with his hand, he had to find other ways to let out his deep infatuation for you. And if it wasn't pleasure, it was pain. A knife running along his chest as blood trickled down his grey skin.

The thought of you in someone else's arms made his rage boil over. He would kill anyone that got in the way of him and his Darling. You were his happiness and he was prepared to do anything to keep you all to himself. Even if that meant spreading the guts if whoever got in his way all over the floor and fucking you into the blood until cum and crimson mixed together. He didn't mind milking you dry and he was sure you wouldn't mind either. After all, you were meant to be together! You were made to be with him and he was made to be with you.

A slur of inconsistent sounds slipped between his lips and off his prehensile tongue as he began his trek up the peak of fervour. His touch was more erratic now, the swollen head of his cock threatening to burst with hot strings of his seed.

Sweat ran down his head as he imagined your soft, tender touch along his arms and back as you left amorous, passionate kisses along his neck and left your mark against his collarbone just as he would've done to you. In his mind's eye, he gazed at your warm face, so full of life and adoration for nobody but him (and your cat, he supposed... but he didn't mind sharing a family and being a cat dad! After all, he had Rat too, and he was nothing if not a fair boyfriend) as you pressed into his skin and eased down on him.

So benevolent and so romantic. Your touch drove him to the brink of insanity- to the height of bliss. His whole body functioned for you. His heart beat for you. His entire existence was tailor-made for you. To be your boyfriend. And one day, you'd see it too. And the both of you could be happy together and have a family. Nothing would stand between him and his Darling and the future he knew he could have with you. He keened a whine, feverish for your touch, his whole body hot as he toppled over the edge, your smiling face filled with a fondness for him- and only him- reflected in those deep, pools of E/C that were your eyes. Warm and tender and so lovely. That sunny smile was the only thing painting his mind-

. . .

He made a mess again.

And afterwards, as he panted for breath, face red, body aching with need as they slowly lost tension from his perfervid climax, he was filled with a sense of determination. He would go searching for you again tomorrow. And when he found you, no matter what, he'd ask for your name and your number. That determined resolve allowed him to clean up and then sleep peacefully for the night.

Because he knew he'd find you. There was no resisting the string that held you two together. You were made for each other. And he would find you.

No matter the cost.

Chapter Text

"Sometimes I wish I could just smother the little twats!" Martha hissed as she nursed her glass of Merlot red wine.

You leaned against the bar, pouring another glass of Nebbiolo for one of the ladies in the group of four. Martha had been married to a single father for two years and apparently, she wasn't getting on well with the step kids. You didn't blame them for hating her. With the way she talked about them when at the bar you'd think she hated children completely simply for existing.

Besides, it was an awful thing for her to try and convince their father to put away all the pictures of his deceased wife. Like it or not, she was a part of their lives and the kids loved her. It was part of Martha's job, too, as a stepmother to honour the previous mother's memory.

But she chose, instead, to get jealous of the idea of 'her man' with someone else. And she would brag about the differences between them, too. Siting that she gave Liam better sex, that they had the bigger, prettier, better wedding. That she was hotter than the late wife (Sherry) and that she was way better at this, that and the other.

"It's so obvious they're trying to get between me and Liam!" She threw her arms up dramatically, signifying the level of her distress.

"Honestly, your kids are such brats," Agreed Pamela.

"Hah! They're not my kids. I'd rather die! Look at the stress lines they're giving me!" She pointed to the wrinkles on her forehead when she scowled, "It's unbelievable!"

"Just get Botox. It worked for me," Kathleen suggested, mouthing an absent 'thank you' as you passed her now filled glass back to her.

"Not all of us want to be fake bitches like you, Kath," Snorted Carol.

Kathleen retreated in her seat, looking a little hurt but pretending to laugh it off with the others. You had to turn around and pretend to be looking at the alcohol on the lit-up shelves behind you. Truly, your eyes were focused on the shotgun mounted on the top of the bar. You had thought about putting bullets into customer's foreheads before. But never this much. Kathleen was the quiet one in the group. She married into a rich family and for the first year after her marriage that she came to the bar with the large group of friends she had, she wouldn't stop bragging about it. About all the fine stuff that her husband would buy her, ect, ect.

But after that first year, she calmed down a lot. You had heard stories about the life she had before her marriage. At first, she didn't really love the guy, she was just marrying him to get out of her abusive parents' house and student debt. But over time you could tell that even if she wasn't in love with her husband, she did respect him a lot and she did care for him. It wasn't the ideal wedding situation, but out of this particular group of mothers (which had slowly grown smaller and smaller over the years as the mothers/wives began getting busier and such), she was the most bearable.

She offered helpful advice, she didn't really make comments about the others being utter garbage. But you could tell she was lonely. You felt the way she felt all the time and you could see it in her tired eyes. She needed these outings- to pretend to have these friends that couldn't give a shit about her. Because she had no one else. You could understand that.

"No, I think I will get Botox," Stated Martha.

Carol and Pamela let out scandalised gasps.

"Martha!" Pamela exclaimed.

"It's not that bad. Stop being drama queens," Martha rolled her eyes, "But back to what I was saying, right? I can't be left alone with those little demons. They're constantly on my ass and trying to exclude me from Liam on these little 'outings'. Ugh!"

"You know, I told you this would happen," Carol lectured, "You never marry a single father. There's probably a reason that the wife left and even if she died like your one, she leaves little brats behind like toxic waste."

Pamela let out a snotty laugh.

"Sherry? More like Sher-nobyl."

The three of them laughed at that. At least you could count on Kathleen to look uncomfortable at the idea of joking about a dead woman.

"I always said I would go child-free and this was one of the reasons why. I couldn't imagine raising little horrors like yours," Carol continued.

"I never wanted kids," Pamela agreed, wrinkling her nose, "Breastfeeding makes your boobs go saggy. That's why I refused to do it."

Man, that shotgun was looking reeeeaally inviting right about now...

"I gave up EVERYTHING for you! And this is how you repay me?! LOOK AT ME, HIBISCUS! THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED TO ME! YOU TOOK MY BEAUTY AND DID I EVER COMPLAIN ABOUT THAT?!"

Her words were familiar. You had heard them before from your own mother when she was alive. You never bothered correcting her mother. Telling her you never asked to be born. Telling her to stop calling you that name. Apologising even when it wasn't your fault.

"It does?!" Martha jolts.

It was always your fault. Things were always somehow your fault.

Though Y/N wasn't the best name in the world and sometimes you hated it since it never felt like your own, always your distant grandparent's, it was better than the flower name she wanted to pick for you. It always felt like by saying your middle name she was claiming ownership over you. You hated her. While Amaryllis got the brunt of your father's abuse for being the youngest, you and Juniper got the brunt of your mother's abuse for being the only two kids she breastfed. The oldests. The ones who 'stole her beauty' (if she ever had any in the first place).

"Yeah, just don't do it," Carol shrugged, "I did. And look what happened to me."

"Should've stood your ground instead of giving in to what Nathan wanted," Martha pointed out, much to Pamela's agreement.

"Apparently it was a deal-breaker for him. I always told him I'd love to have kids. I thought I could pretend like I wasn't ready and then say that I had reconsidered," Carol took a sip, "But he said he'd have to leave me if I didn't want any. And I couldn't keep up going on birth control without him getting suspicious for that long."

You wanted to strangle this bitch. You felt like that crossed so many lines. To agree to have intercourse with the intent of having a kid and instead, lying to your partner about your birth control habits? Wasn't that just as bad as stopping your birth control and lying about it? You felt like this had to be some form of sexual assault or something. Your fingers twitched with the burning desire to grab that shotgun.

You could almost see their brain matter splattered all over the countertop. Their thick blood staining the polished surface. Their glazed-over, marble-like, lifeless eyes staring into nothing. If only...

"That sucks," Pamela sighed, "You know how it was for me."

"Yeah, you stupid bitch," Laughed Martha and Pamela laughed a bit along with no signs of discomfort.

"Condoms are a wishy-washy form of contraceptive at best. You should've been on the pill."

"Or you should've just aborted that bitch," Added Martha, thoughtfully.

"I'm not in the business of killing babies. Even if I didn't want them, it's still murder. And my mistake as well, like you said. I just keep beating myself up over how dumb of me it was."

"Kids are fucking ugly," Carol wrinkled her nose, "But I see what you mean. Where do we draw the line then? I respect that about you. No woman should kill a baby even if they are worthless."

"I do think adoption is the much better option..." Kathleen mumbled, awkwardly, although her eyes said another story.

"Right? If you don't want them, then just give them off to someone who does!" Pamela sharply agreed, as if the amount of kids in the adoption system wasn't big enough already and as if the amount of kids who never found families wasn't as large as it actually was.

"It's actually creepy how many women want to kill kids- like, we joke about it, obviously," Martha said, "But I'd never actually do it."

"Give it a couple of years," Carol smirked and they laughed that haughty laugh.

Your mother was pro-life as well. You fucking hated it. Every person had the right to choose what to do with their body. People like Pamela and like your mother were the worst kind. It was all well and good that they didn't want to abort but the fact that they wanted to control the actions of every woman around them too was where their opinions became harmful.

You never blamed Amar for wanting to meet your mother. Your father spoke the world of her. But you knew better. And you hated every single part of the bitch that gave birth to you. You wouldn't have minded it so much if she only hurt you. You would've still loathed her. But when she hurt Juniper as badly as she did- verbal or not- that was the point that you wanted to personally kill her.

You didn't need to, though. That was the only thing you were grateful for when it came to her obnoxious presence.

"If I had known that you would ruin my life by drinking from me, I would've never given it to you."

Perhaps you had been lying before when you said you were only relieved that she was dead. You were a bit joyful. You never had to hear the venom she'd spit your way ever again. Out of all her kids, she hated you the most. She hated you for not having the name she wanted to give you, as well as the aforementioned breastfeeding conundrum.

"Have you thought about convincing Liam to send them to a boarding school or something? He'll choose you over them, you know? No guy can resist quality sex. Especially if they're that fucking old," Chortled Carol, bringing you back to reality.

"Yeah, it's not like he's gonna find someone else your age that'd want to be with him!" Agreed Pamela, wholeheartedly.

"I hadn't thought about that," Martha sounded like she was genuinely considering it, "I got them sent off to summer camp for the last two summers, though. I guess it wouldn't be too hard to convince him."

You suppressed an eye roll at that. No wonder the kids hated her. You found yourself hating her, too. And her friends were just as bad (except Kathleen, she was the lesser of four evils for sitting by and letting them go on like that).

The dad wasn't any better if he allowed this shit to go on within his house, though. The idea that he had sent his kids off to summer camp just because his jealous new wife wanted it made you want to puke. You loved the idea of true love, but this wasn't it. And even if you loved someone as much as that- as much as the blue-eyed stranger who you couldn't stop thinking about for even a second, you couldn't imagine ever choosing him over your siblings.

You... you couldn't imagine it... right? Leaving them all behind to be with him. It almost made you sick when you could see it in your head. You loved your siblings more than life itself. And you loved him, too. Just in a different way.

You didn't want to choose between them. You shouldn't have to- you wouldn't have to. But if you did... if you did have to in the future... what... what would you pick? You couldn't be selfish enough to leave everything behind for one man. No matter how lovely he was, no matter how many fantasies about a domestic future you had about him. You didn't know him that well. But if you did. And if at that point, you were given a choice...

"Fuck yeah, girl! You deserve a break from the brats," Pamela laughed.

The cheering of the other two snapped your mind out of these crazy, silly thoughts. Your eyes fell on Kathleen, who shuffled in her seat, uncontrollably. You wondered if she was happy with her decisions in her life. Meeting these bitches, meeting her husband, leaving her older brother and all her friends from her home town to live with him in the city.

You remembered what she had said the third night she came to the bar, drunk off her ass with her large group of friends.

"My mutha wuzza crazy biiiiiiiiich..." She slurred, swaying from side to side in her seat, "Wudn't let me leave... so I... hadta go... 'n now 'm free... with sooooo much muney that I cud swim in it... 'n buy 'n sell this dump if I really wanted to!"

You remembered how those hazel eyes filled with tears as she slumped against the bar. The other girls had started gossiping and were trying to form some sort of flash mob. And it was working, unfortunately. Ben was already chatting up one of the women from the group. A married woman, though he didn't know that yet and she wasn't remotely interested in him.

"I wunder how... I wunder howww... Josh's doin... we were... so close... me 'n him... twins are s'posed ta be inseparable... 'n I left 'im there... he prolly hates me..."

When she cried into her arms, you couldn't help but reach out and pat her shoulder, gingerly. You had never really had friends, so you weren't sure how to comfort them, much less a stranger. You had a feeling you were supposed to comfort them differently to how you comforted your siblings, holding them close, rocking them back and forth and whispering assurances in their ears until they calmed down in your lap.

"He wouldn't hate you," You said, hoping your words reached the weeping woman, "Maybe you should call him."

"... Mayb' I shud..."

You weren't sure if she ever did. She never told you if she did or didn't. You weren't sure if she even remembered that night. All you knew was that you loved your siblings and that you would call them if you were in her position.

Then again, you weren't sure if you'd ever be able to leave them behind for a man. And it scared you that you were unsure. Because the answer should've been obvious to you. And it was terrifying that it wasn't so obvious to you anymore. Not now that you had met him. Not now that you had fallen helplessly in love.

. . .

Needless to say, work was business as usual for you. It wasn't the worst thing in the world that you could be doing. Dealing with day drinking moms during school hours wasn't too bad and they often had stories about their husbands. Unfortunately, they were mostly bad and left a sour taste in your mouth. But some were funny and some were wholesome. Those were your favourites.

Something about the idea of marrying someone you were in love with and spending the rest of your life with them was appealing. Probably because you were... y'know, a normal person?

'Not especially normal...' You tried to shake the awful thoughts out of your mind- you tried to ignore the nagging feeling in your chest, 'You fell completely in love with a stranger you'll never see again.'

This time you succeeded in pushing the bitter words out of your head. It was true that you had never been normal, or perhaps you were at one point as an unmarred baby who didn't know any better. But growing up, things changed. Everyone changes eventually. You grew to understand that you weren't the only person in the world, that you had a responsibility to take care of the kids in your life. But that wasn't all that changed about you.

The violent thoughts you had, you reasoned, were just to protect your family and the people you cared about. Then why did the idea of never seeing that tender stranger again make you want to burn down someone's house and rip their family to shreds? Why did it make you want to hurt someone? Your knuckles were white as you turned the tap, gripping it harshly.

"Woah, someone's grumpy."

The voice of a male made you jump and release the tap as the beer flowed into the glass. The shaking of your hand from the sudden jump made the foam splash around and hit the floor. The man behind you was a familiar face. Your co-worker, Ben. You worked most shifts with him and he was something of a good friend.

He leaned passed you and turned off the tap as the glass got full. Your hands were wet from streams of the alcoholic beverage drifting over your fingers. The smell was strong, but you liked it like that. It was something else to focus on and rather pleasant. Though you'd never think to put the cool glass to your lips like the scraggly guy in the corner of the room would soon.

"Sorry," You apologised, automatically.

Ben raised a brow.

"Ain't nothin for it. Somethin on yer mind?" He asked, pulling the tea towel that was hooked over his arm and began wiping down the ground as he leaned towards the spill.

"You're gonna need to wash that thing," You muttered, wrinkling your nose.

You pushed your glasses on top of your head and sighed as you rubbed the corners of your eyes, seeing that familiar crust from sleepiness. You just wanted this day to be over with already. Then again, that's how you felt with most days.

"That was the plan. Doesn't answer m' question, though."

"Nothing's wrong," You replied, quickly.

Ben stood up after the ground was sufficiently squeaky clean, in his opinion. He quirked a brow at you and gently took the glass from your hands. You let him because you didn't want to go walking across the bar anyways. The poor guy was a regular, estranged son, two divorces. You had listened to his listless ramblings. How awful his first wife was- she hit him and so in his second marriage, even though the lady was lovely, he was emotionally and physically distant from her and didn't give her what she needed: a loving relationship.

So she left him. He had been distant to stop himself from getting hurt again but he cried about how he made the biggest mistake of his life. She was a smiling angel when they first met. Endlessly kind, endlessly sweet, endlessly smiling. And by the end of the relationship, she just looked so tired and sad. And she left him for another man.

He said he was happy she was happy but he wished he could've been the reason why. You felt sympathy for him but couldn't give him the help he needed so he drowned his sorrows in the bottom of a bottle. You wanted to help, to stop him somehow. But you couldn't. You were no professional and you didn't even know where to start. Your job was to shut up and give out drinks. That was all.

"Sure, maybe nothins wrong but that doesn't change that somethin was on yer mind. Maybe still is. I know those eyes," He pointed to fingers at your eyes and you flinched away, maybe afraid he'd poke them right out with his thick fingers.

"What eyes?"

"Yer thinkin eyes," He pulled his hand away, noticing your eyes were still focused on the tips of his fingers to make sure he wouldn't advance them into your sockets (you didn't really like things near your eyes), "Sarry. Didn't mean it."

Without thinking, you knocked your glasses down back onto your nose before pushing them up so they were properly rested on the bridge and so your eyes could see through the frames. You had been wearing glasses for most of your life.

As you grew in height, your eyesight got worse. Zephyr and Cosmos had bad eyesight as well. It was something that ran down your mother's side of the family, yet she refused to allow glasses into your life until the middle school you went to basically forced her to since you could barely see the damn board at the front of the class and you were always squinting. Cosmos and Zephyr soon got similar treatment. Zephyr mostly wore contacts these days and last you'd seen, Cosmos had these large, circular, golden wired glasses.

They were cute on him (then again, you believed your kids looked cute in anything).

"It's alright, and thank you for worrying, but nothing's on my mind."

"Really? Cuz you were grippin that tap harder than a sod house wall. Ya sure yer alright?"

You wondered... if the stranger had left you for another person... what would you do then? Even if he was happy with them you couldn't bare the thought of him being happy with someone else. Someone other than you.

You had a feeling you wouldn't have the strength to give him up the way Jack had (the man in the corner of the bar, that is).

"I'm fine."

Ben was a good guy, yeah, but he wasn't someone you'd consider a friend. Just a guy you'd talk to on shift and banter with. He was funny, charismatic and ruggedly handsome with that stubble-ridden face and messy, dark hair against his pale grey skin. His eyes, too, were lovely. A deep, chocolate brown, and he had freckles all over his nose and bare, hairy arms.

No wonder some of the patrons were positively infatuated with him. You could appreciate a pretty face but he was nothing like the man you wanted to be with. Ben was down to Earth and chill. Your kind stranger seemed a bit antsy but overall approachable. Thinking about him then made a dumb grin come on your face as you averted your gaze. Ben snickered and threw the tea towel over his arm right over your face, letting it blanket your head.

Grumbling, you pulled it off with a bit of a glare as Ben made his way beyond the bar.

"Yer goin through some serious mood swings, partner. If I didn't know any better, I'd say there was some trouble in paradise."

Your face scrunched up instantly.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

He stopped and turned back around to face you with a cunning smirk.

"Yer never available to get drinks with me 'n the others," You had constantly been skipping out on co-worker parties and whatnot, "Yer constantly tellin patrons yer not interested in datin, an' yer havin mood swings between jealousy 'n dumb smirkin. I'll tell yer what I think. Ya've got a secret lover."

You opened your mouth to protest. You didn't have a secret lover, although you would've loved to be his lover. No matter the cost... but even still, that didn't mean he was your partner, and if word got around that you had been claiming you had a partner at all, then... well, what if he came in and thought you were taken!? Then you might really lose your chance! You hated cheaters (and your stupid manager) so the idea that anybody might think you were one if you made your move on him made you anxious.

Or worse, the idea that he'd come in and think that you had presumed you were dating him because all your co-workers thought you were due to how much you gushed about him or thought about him. If he heard all that from your co-workers, it would not only give away your weird your obsession with him, but also it may drive him away! You had enough common sense to know it was downright bizarre for someone to think they were officially dating you even though you'd only spoken once before. He'd run away- he'd think you were fucking insane! And then what? You'd never see him again, he'd hate you.

You couldn't have that- you needed him to love you the same way you loved him! You couldn't live without him! Life wasn't worth it if you couldn't see that beautiful face- those shimmering, icy eyes like mist on the tip of dawn, amassing over the horizon, quilting over choppy waves on a disrupted, murky sea. If you couldn't see his smile- hear his laugh- if you couldn't have his heart and him then-

Then you'd really go insane...

"Yeah, right," You bluffed.

You told yourself that the likelihood of any of that happening was slim. What were the odds he'd come to this particular bar on this particular side of this particular city? The city was huge, he could be anywhere by now. That made your heart sink. The likelihood of you finding him was getting slimmer and slimmer as time went by, as the distance between you both grew. You had gone years without meeting each other, and you could only beg some unseen God that you wouldn't go years without seeing him again in the same way.

"I'm always right," He said, not knowing that he was wrong, "Is it that Ciel girl?"

"What!? No!" You exclaimed, indignantly- Ciel was nothing like your beloved! "Just because she hits on me to get free drinks doesn't mean anything."

"I dunno. She seems dead set on ya. The manager's tried to get inta her pants more times than I can count and that would definitely get 'er some privileges. Yet she chooses to flirt with you. That's gotta count fer somethin."

"She probably thinks I'm playing hard to get and believes she's 'stepping up to the challenge'."

"Well, yeah, obviously," Ben snickered in agreement, "But still, I wouldn't blame ya for cavin. She's got a pretty nice rac- I mean personality!"

You rolled your eyes and stifled a laugh. He seemed to also be stifling his own laugh. This was the sort of banter you enjoyed, and one of the reasons you liked Ben more than your other co-workers. Like Lindsey fucking Rodgers who was insufferably uptight and working in the back with the dishes.

"Ciel is... definitely hard to resist," You smirked, "But I promise that I'll find a way."

"Ha. Well, the boys and I don't call her the Vixen fer nothin, that's for damn sure. She's swindled most of us inta givin her a free drink or five. 'Cept me, o' course. I wouldn't dream o' comin onto yer girl," He grinned.

You pulled a face and he laughed.

"She's not 'my girl' you weirdo."

"Calm down! 'M just kiddin, dude. It ain't that serious."

"Sure. I'm gonna go wash off this towel, now," You wave it at him with a pointed look, as if to tell him that you're not letting go of how he tossed it at you.

"Jumpin from one girlfriend to another, eh~?" He teased with a sly smile on his face.

It took you a minute to understand what he meant before you rolled your eyes. He was referring to fucking Lindsey, who you had ranted to him about once before. He had ranted to you about her, as well, when he was frustrated about her ordering him around the way she ordered everyone around. The way she ordered you around, the few times that you saw her. She even ordered Gwen around and she was twice the cook that Lindsey was.

But that wasn't the reason behind the grudge you had for her. Somehow, Lindsey believed that she was above everyone else. And the reason for that was because she was routinely screwing the manager (even then, the manager had tried to get into the pants of every woman working at the bar at one point or another). Even just thinking about him made your blood boil. His poor wife...

"I would sooner die than go anywhere near her," You snorted.

"Yer sure in a rush to go see her now."

You gave him a look. Even if he was kidding around, you would rather shove a cactus up your ass than talk to her for longer than you had to. He knew that. You both knew that. Again, you hated cheaters with a burning passion. The idea that someone could forsake the one who they're supposed to love the most felt physically painful for you to think about. You hated Lindsey for participating in that, as well.

It was both of their faults, equally.

"Alright, alright," He relented.

She knew he was a married man. You heard them fucking in his office once. The same office in which he had a picture of her and his kids on his desk. Lindsey must've seen it. She had to have. How could someone see that and choose to still go along with it?

Not that the manager was any better. But even so, if you had been in Lindsey's position you would've pushed him away. You would've told his wife if you could. And you wanted to. But you didn't even know where to begin when it came to contacting her. And you needed this job so you didn't want to go snooping even if, physically speaking, you could. His wife deserved justice. And as far as you were concerned, the only way that could be gained is if the manager and all his side hoes got in a tragic accident.

But you needed this job.

"Just go give that drink to Jack, okay? Don't take too long."

So, you kept your mouth shut about it... and bantered with your co-worker. Because it was all you could do. Even if it killed you every day to see someone ruining the one thing that so many people spent their lives searching for. Something that you searched for. A genuine love.

And you wanted to find that in your sweetheart stranger. But you couldn't as things stood. He was so unknown to you. And you didn't even want to think about how he might've never even wanted to see you again. How he might reject you if you approached him. What would you do then if he did that? You had siblings to take care of, but life would be so empty without him. You'd just be living on inertia. The very essence of who you were would slip away...

"Awww, will ya miss me that much?" Ben simpered, teasingly.

"If I run into her, I want a reason to leave quickly. And you're it. You're my out. Besides, I have a feeling you'll want to hear all about it."

"Ya know me so well," He smirked, "Take all the time ya need. Just don't get too rowdy in there!"

"If you don't start making moves to give that drink to Jack we're gonna swap jobs here. And do you wanna be the one to go in and see her?"

He pressed his lips in a thin line and averted his eyes as he suppressed a grin. It was nice that he found this funny. You weren't sure whether you found it funny or not, but somehow you were smiling as well. Ben's smile was contagious, if out of place. Yet, you couldn't bring yourself to stay mad at him, switching your tone to something more light-hearted but stern.

"I thought not. Get to it then."

"Yessir! You don't gotta tell me twice," He gave a cheerful salute and marched off.

You smiled wistfully as you headed into the back for a moment and tossed the towel into the basket where most clothes and aprons, ect, were left in there for some cleaning which you would toss in at the end of your shift. The day shift was usually quite slow, although when lunch came around it got a bit busier. But never too much for you to handle. That was why you preferred working in the day. You got pretty overwhelmed when the whole bar was flooded with chattering people.

It wasn't unreasonable to claim that the place came alive in the night. Dimmed lights, the jukebox alight with music and many people coming in to bar crawl or just have fun. You worked every day except on your day off on Thursday. You wanted to take Sunday off but that was when Gwen and the other cooks made carvery/Sunday dinner on a lunchtime, meaning that more people came to the bar that lunch to get a full, meat cooked dinner. It was one of the busiest morning shifts and, unfortunately, one that you were forced to stay on considering they were usually understaffed.

Fortunately, that came with the perk of getting to have some Sunday lunch for yourself, as well. You had to admit, as shabby as the place was, the food was glorious. Apparently, Gwen often brought food to those co-worker nights out like it was some sort of potluck. She personally gave you a tray of lasagna once because the one time she left the back to help fill in for someone who was late to their shift one evening, some jackass started hitting on her and you had jumped in to help her.

The lasagna was great. Amar even made a card for her to thank her for the food and you had carefully washed the glass tray and given it back to her, along with a little something to thank her for the gift. You hated feeling indebted to people. But Gwen was nice.

You hurried out as quickly as possible. You didn't want to talk to anyone in there. You kept your distance from a lot of the staff in the bar. You were just... bad at talking to people. You weren't completely sure of social cues and you weren't well versed in the art of making friends. Though you tried your best when you could, you preferred to stick to yourself and your own. It was easier that way.

Another perk that came with working the day shift was that it kept your mind from worrying about Amar at school. She usually came home and said she had a good day regardless, but you were still concerned with her well being.

Unfortunately, this time you weren't so lucky. Your worries got the better of you as you took another order from a couple at the bar, who were looking to get something light but filling from the menu (in regards to food, the bar was nothing like a diner, but it did offer a couple of meals over the weekend and a large selection of snacks like any regular bar). Seeing the couple made your mind drift back in worry for the beloved, tall stranger that you met two days ago.

You wanted to find him, but so far your search had come around empty-handed. During those days of relentless searching, you had been extremely careful so as to not get caught, wearing a few things to cover your general face and the darkest black jacket that you had (which just so happened to have cat ears on the top, since that was your favourite animal)- something the triplets had given you as a collective present for one of your birthdays a few years ago or so.

You had told them you didn't need anything, but they just nagged you until you wore it. Well, all of them except Cole-flower, who had been too lazy but instead just said a few stern words.

You had stuck to the shadows on one side of the street. Admittedly, at multiple points in your investigation, you had gotten a bit frightened considering there were some glowing eyes in the dark in a few of the alleyways you faced. However, you weren't deterred in the least and you were going to resume your search that evening. Just in other places.

You were sure they had seen you and you were a bit afraid of them following you. They had tried to do so twice, as far as you were concerned. Otherwise, you had been extra careful in your retreats. A handful of times, you caught them searching around in similar areas to you without their own knowledge. You watched from high up rooftops: it seemed they stuck to the ground and only caught you watching when you, too, were on ground level. You made eye contact with them once or twice. But you were only sure they knew of your presence one of those two times.

They seemed to be minding their own business, and you didn't know what they were doing out so late, what they were looking for or why they were looking for it in similar places that you were. A thought crossed their mind that they could be following you, but you were absolutely, positively certain you would know if that was the case. Their glowing eyes were hard to miss. No, they were taking different routes to get to the same areas that you were going to.

Nearby the shop in which you had bought your cupcake pyjamas (which was also a very noisy place in town). You had just barely noticed the eyebags under your beloved's eyes, you thought maybe they weren't getting enough sleep because the traffic was noisy. Instead, you saw them nearby.

Nearby a few pet shops. You thought he liked cats (he wouldn't have approached and been such a darling to your Garrett if he didn't, right?), so maybe he had a cat of his own. And there the faceless man with glowing eyes was. In those alleyways. As though he knew where you'd be. And for a moment, you thought maybe he did. But he couldn't have. He was across the street. He had come there before you even arrived at the scene. It's not as though you told anyone where you'd be. He couldn't have known.

For a moment, you wondered if it was Amaryllis, and you opened your mouth behind your face mask to call out to her. After all, this was the fourth time you had seen them and the third pet store you had seen them at. Maybe Amaryllis was looking to get some pet food late at night? Or maybe she somehow knew where you were going. You hadn't written it down anywhere and you hadn't spoken a word of it. Nobody could read your listless, incessant thoughts, but she and your other siblings/kids were the only ones that understood you best. So perhaps she had picked up on where you were going somehow?

But then the hunched figure stopped kneeling and on the ground and rose. And rose. And rose. And rose. To their full height. You couldn't quite see his body shape, shrouded in darkness. Your glasses clung to your face behind the large goggles you brought with you to disguise your identity. But through the murky material, you could see how viciously tall this person was. Above 6ft for sure. Before, they had been crouched or hunched. But their back stood straight and those glowing eyes-

Of course... the gift you had was only given to you. And even then, your eyes didn't glow the way theirs did. And you realised it was the same person- the same dark figure that you had seen in the first place. You thought the figures at the pet stores and the figure at that very first place were two different people.

Those eyes, glowing a cat-like lime green in the darkness, staring back at you. Their irises were dark and you weren't able to make out their colour from afar and under the orange tint of the goggles perched over your glasses, but their sclera was iridescent. And they had a male gaze- you could just tell from how self-conscious you felt looking back.

It was the second place he had spotted you.

The first place that you had both first seen each other was nearby the area you had first met your beloved. It wasn't right next to it or anything. You were looking up and down the streets to see if he lived nearby. It was just a couple of streets down from the terrace houses where you lived. And he was seizing up the houses and checking around them. These were particularly wealthy cul de sacs. And then he saw you. Your first thought was that he was looking to rob a place. You didn't feel the need to intervene, although you were a bit paranoid that your future lover was in one of these houses that this person was looking to do a B&E on.

He gave chase when he saw you nearby but you lost him fairly easily. Unlike him, you had the advantage of seeing where he was at all times when his eyes were glowing. He was wearing a baggy hoodie but the rest of his face was unnaturally shadowed in some sort of supernatural way. And his malevolent stare sent shivers down your spine like his gaze was made from pure malice itself.

Regardless, he only gave you that look twice at the most. You made no attempt to bother him, follow him or communicate with him. Instead, when you saw him each time, you did a quick scan of the area and then bolted. Whoever this guy was, he was bad news. And you had a feeling you had a common goal. But when he gazed at you with a bloodlust comparable only to the darkest shadows of your mind, you actually felt terrified.

Was this how it felt to be on the receiving end of your angry, ravenous gaze? It sent shivers crawling up your spine and you had to retreat from it or risk feeling as though he was tearing you apart with just his eyes. Watching your muscle shred to sinew and chunks of red meat on the pavement, splitting your veins and watching dark blood sink out onto the cold streets.

That murderous, thousand-yard stare didn't leave much of his intentions to the imagination. But he eased up the fourth time you caught his empty gaze when you took in the exterior of the dentist's place. You didn't know why you even thought to come here. Maybe if he had such sharp teeth they required maintenance, but why on earth would he think to come here in the dead of night when it was fucking closed? Across the road, there he was, at the vet. You hadn't even thought of looking there and decided that you would tomorrow (which was today, technically, and one of the places you planned to visit while Amar was gone for her sleepover).

You saw him and then you left because you realised immediately that you wouldn't find anything at the dentists' so late at night anyway.

You never thought you'd be glad to say that Amar wasn't home, but this time it was a lucky break.

You had been routinely sneaking out of your house to avoid suspicion from your daughter, and you were certain she hadn't noticed considering she was a fairly upfront person and would've confronted you if she had. But even so, you could never be too careful. In this case, however, it meant you didn't have to be so anxious about her dropping by your vacant room in the middle of the night and figuring out that you had gone somewhere. It took a bit of a weight off your shoulders, no matter how temporary this arrangement was.

Still, it only made you less nervous about one thing. There were still many other grievances you had with your search. For one, he likely wasn't up and about at night. For two, even if you saw him when you left your shift, what would you say to him? And three, what if you never saw him again??

What if yesterday was his last day in the country and that morning that you didn't take the opportunity to ask him for his number and everything was the moment that he had flown away?? And now he was oceans away from you! You had missed your chance- fucked it up completely and totally like a total DITZ! Maybe he had already forgotten your encounter...

Maybe he was married, or already dating someone? Or...-

You nearly bashed your head against the wall but instead opted to hit each side of your head with the respective heel of your wrist. The thought was about to make you cry so you had to blink away the tears and run your hands through your hair to soothe yourself.

You didn't want to believe it was even a possibility. You didn't want to even conceive the idea. The very thought made your heart squeeze unpleasantly, as though someone wrapped their fingers around it and constricted it until you could hardly breathe or think. It made your stomach twist in so many bunched up, disorderly knots that you were certain you'd puke everywhere.

It made sweat begin to bead on your forehead from the exertion of force it took to stop yourself from rushing to find him right that second- and that stupid, disgusting, revolting partner of his that could never care about him the way you did and start tearing them apart with your bare fingers, beating their head in with closed fists until it splattered across the pavement and became a mess of shredded skin and bone and brain- digging your fingers through flesh until you hit bone and ripping them limb from limb. Until they were less human and more a mess of gore on the pavement.

You were shaking from anticipation by the time you were let off your shift early. Ben had insisted on covering for you since it was passed the lunch rush and the already slow day was already getting slower and slower, with only three patrons present in the bar at all. Plus, he said you were looking pale, sweaty and overall just ill. And maybe you were, just not in the way that he was thinking.

The sun was still in the sky but it was on its way down when you pushed the spruce wood, windowed door closed behind you, leaving the pleasant yet acidic scent of alcohol long behind you along with the dark wooden floorboards and polished, oaken tables and the lit-up display of drinking bottles within the glass case on crystalline shelves and safely tucked behind the bar with a shotgun mounted on the wall far above it. There were no windows, just buzzing, yellow, florescent lights hanging above the main area and leather, brown booth seats lining each parallel wall.

The kitchen was always pristine if not for a spill here and there (which was always quickly cleaned up for health and safety reasons). Black and white chequered tiles, one window towards the far end covered in a dark blue set of blinds, and of course, the three cooks on duty that day hard at work for the few meals that pertained to them. Except as you dropped the cloths that needed washing into said washer before you left to clock out, you noticed that none of them were working at all and that they were simply chatting and having lunch together.

No wonder. The place was visibly empty, though as you walked away you saw a small family heading in. You rolled your eyes at the fact that two of the teens in their little pow-wow were around Amaryllis' age. They should've been in school. Just because one of them had one of those tacky 'birthday boy' badges on didn't mean that he was exempt from an education for the day.

Whatever... just one more day of work tomorrow and then your day off would be after that. You just hoped that by then you would've found him so that you could spend the whole Thursday talking to him or at least knowing where he was so that he was safe.

You resolved that the next time you saw him- because you would see him again, you simply had to- you would ask him for his name and for his number. That way you could always have a direct line of communication with him.

And if he was already in a relationship then...

.

.

.

ţ̶̡̢̛̬̙̣̮̜͉̮̖̝͍͓̗̤͈̯͕̆͛͆͊́͘̕h̶̨̡̛̛̛͉̜̲̞̰̤̱͇̹̼̳͚̝̟̭͒͆̆̊́̈́̍̋̈́͋̀̎͆͒̈́͐̐͑̃͆̊̀̅͠ͅe̴̛̪̞̳͈̠̣̜͈̓̏̔̏̇̅̾̃̑̐́́̈́͝͠n̵̡͉͚̠͇͋̔̕͜...

.

.

.

No. You wouldn't need to worry about that because it wouldn't happen. It couldn't happen. Of all the cruel things this world had to offer that would surely be the worst of them. And at this point, the universe had to owe you one. So he wouldn't be dating already. It was inconceivable.

. . .

You hoped...

As if any mere person would be good enough to stand at his side. He was the height of everything that was good with the world. Nobody was worthy to even look at him, let alone touch or hold him in any way. Not even yourself. But you had to protect that beautiful light that was burning deep within him. Those saccharine eyes swimming with a fondness for your cat as he ran his fingers along his fluffy coat.

A gorgeous, deep blue sea within those hypnotic irises. And that sunny smile that almost split his face. Teeth so sharp you could run your finger along the edges and prick your skin, letting thick traces of blood fall down your fingertip. Red would be a nice colour on him. It would contrast those lightning blue eyes that send sparks jolting through the places on your body that his eyes lingered over as if it were his very touch making your skin hot with need.

Without thinking, you had ended up across the road from your sister's school. You had been operating on autopilot so when you checked the time a few moments earlier your legs automatically carried yourself to the school as said school day ended. From the crowd of stampeding students desperate to escape the confines of the school, you couldn't see your sister and it dawned on you that it didn't matter because her friend would be picking her up straight away.

Trying not to look like a dumbass-dimwit-fool-imbecile-moron, you casually turned away before rolling on your ankle and nearly taking a whole tumble. You could hear a couple of kids giggling and whispering about you, so you tried to cool your burning face by acting naturally as you recovered from your near head-on encounter with the floor and began your exit, inwardly chastising yourself for being a dumbass-dimwit-fool-imbecile-moron.

You wondered what Amar was up to. Or even, what your stranger was up to... man, you really needed to put a name to that cute face of his. And soon. You thought about him so often yet never had anything to call him by. It's not like you could just give him a new name, but perhaps a nickname was in order. Just until you found him again.

You usually called the kids a variety of nicknames related to their names. Like Clematis being Clem and so on. But you could never go wrong with 'hun', 'my dear', 'sweet pea', 'sugar plum'. Sometimes you were partial to 'angel' and such, though such nicknames were usually reserved for Garrett because although your kids were your kids, Garrett was somehow a different sort of child of yours. It still felt like he was somehow your baby, whereas the rest of them were all grown to some degree.

Eventually, you settled on 'Sweetheart'. It was short and sweet and a lovely name. You just hoped that when you actually met him face to face again and had a conversation, that you wouldn't make the mistake of calling him that. It was just a secret for you. Something to call him in the future, when you would surely be together. When he would return your affections. Because he would have to eventually, right?

Right?

Because if he didn't, then...

If he didn't...

then...

. . .

Then what? You couldn't just... let him find someone else, could you? Let him go, find a new partner, move on with his life. If he didn't love you then what was the point in all this? What was the point in falling in love ever again? Every other experience of love aside from the one you granted your kids was met with heartache.

You used to love your parents and they proved at every corner that they were unreliable. Rob and Trent were busts and the only romantic experience you had. Ciel was lovely but not a dependable partner in the least. Even Ben knew that she was only doing it for her own personal gain, which you could respect just as much as you wanted to shrink away from her every time she touched you. You had to admit if you had the confidence to do what she did, why would you ever pass up the opportunity? She was cunning and clever. But not a viable romantic interest in the slightest.

All your encounters with love had ended in tragedy. What was to say this one would be any different?

You've never loved anyone like this before. It was love at first sight, it was practically destiny, but destiny didn't exist. There was no guarantee that he felt the same. In fact, he was a normal person. He wasn't like you. He didn't like you. Yet. But he could in good time.

And if he didn't then... you didn't know what you'd do, but you had to calm your aching heart and place a hand on your left forearm in an attempt to steady your shaking arms and hands. You'd cross that bridge when you got there. But you'd never get there. Because you'd make damn sure to woo him like he'd never been wooed before. You'd make him feel loved and special and like he didn't even need anybody else.

But in order to even make a start on such an approach, you'd need to actually talk to him, or be able to talk to him in the first place. How could you when you were so intimidated? No, you just needed some confidence behind you, that was all. Then it would be as easy as one, two, three...

"Mom, you are one hell of a nervous wreck."

You could almost hear Amar chiding you in that way that she always did. Smirking and nudging at your side with that sunshine-like grin on her face. It always made you pleased to be able to bring the more pleasant side of her out. But she was right. You were a nervous wreck and her words didn't help you one bit, though you knew if she were there she would be trying her best.

But she wasn't there, that was the thing. You were wandering aimlessly around town like some sort of zombie and she wasn't there, holding your hand and dragging you along to every shop window with the excitable attitude of a puppy. Garrett was always very laid back and affectionate which was one of the reasons that although he and Amaryllis loved each other very much, Garrett preferred your presence overall.

You could get excited, but you were the mellow one out of yourself and Amar. Apparently not right at that moment, though. Considering you were shaking from anxiety and every 'what if?' possibility regarding your recent Sweetheart. The man who had captured your attention and heart. The only one that had ever managed to do so in under ten minutes- under five minutes- in under a second of something even less than a glance.

He hadn't even looked back at you. You took a few steps towards him in your blurry vision and the moment you saw how kindly he was treating your baby, how easily his fingers slid over the fur, how happy your cat looked under a grasp that could easily crush him... anyone could've been so needlessly cruel to your boy. And yet, he had been so endlessly kind. So gentle. And you could vividly picture his enchanting eyes gazing into yours for just a moment before you tore your own eyes away.

You pretended not to be transfixed. You pretended like you weren't already in the deep end and so helplessly in love with this tender stranger that you had only had the pleasure of meeting once.

Out of the two of you, only you were having the silly inner battle that you were having. You wanted him to return these feelings of yours, which is why it greatly shamed you when you recalled that briefest of thoughts that you had filed away into the back of your subconscious. But each night when you returned from your restless searching, you lay awake in bed staring at the ceiling, utterly haunted by it.

'What if I just took him?'

You shoved the thought away again as it came back once more. It was stupid, illegal, disgusting. You remembered how up in arms you had been at the very idea that your beloved Garrett had been stolen away. You couldn't imagine what this guy's family and friends would feel in his sudden absence. Probably worse. And yet...

'I want him...' Selfishly, a part of you couldn't let the idea go, 'I want him I want him I want him I want him I need him. I NEED HIM.'

Again, you forced it away and kept your head down, shoving your hands in your pockets as you tried to ignore these unsavoury urges. These unsavoury urges that you had to just find him and chloroform him. It upset you that you had the melatonin ready. You had it ready under your bed. Unable to help yourself, yesterday you went to the pharmacy and got it in liquid form and the bags under your eyes from the changing sleeping patterns made it believable.

The only trouble was administering it to the person it was meant to go to. Otherwise, it should take effect during the first hour.

'No! I should not be thinking this!' It was sick and twisted, and what would Amar and the others think???

And anyways, you didn't have it on you. You'd need to find him first. But you couldn't do that. Not only was it illegal but it was immoral, too. Your kids would definitely have something to say about this. And then they'd turn you in. And worse, not only would he hate you, but they'd hate you, too. And you'd never see them again.

But maybe-

No.

You sternly reprimanded yourself as you had begun to think of places you could possibly hide him to keep him away from Amar and the others. You already had a lock on your door. And from their thoughts began to spiral, your previous chastising of your mind doing no good to stop yourself from planning out a kidnapping.

You usually kept the door unlocked for the cat and for Amar. She'd never admit it, but she loved coming in and getting cuddles from you in the middle of the night. But if you explained that you kept waking up to nearly being suffocated by Garrett on your face then she'd probably understand why you kept the door locked from then on. And privacy would be an easy way to brush off any questions as to why it remained locked during the day.

If you bought some soundproofing with the money you had acquired, you could just tell her you needed some better sleep. The next-door neighbours were always throwing parties and sometimes arguing anyways, so it's not like she'd think much of it. And then... and then he could stay with you without much suspicion. Assuming Amar had never learned to jimmy a lock as you had. She was younger and never needed to know. You had needed to know so you could sneak out and buy food for your starving siblings who never had a consistent eating schedule due to your parents' neglect.

You would miss your sister's cuddles in the night, and holding Garrett close. But who was to say you couldn't just go to them and initiate such things outside of your room. Besides, you'd have him to cuddle up to, as well. So, you were sure it would be fine... maybe.

Just as long as you took some extra precautions, too.

'No, no, no!' You snapped at yourself, inwardly, 'This is crazy! This is wrong!'

And besides, how could you even accomplish any of that when you didn't know where he lived, what is name was, what his number was, who he was and you couldn't even approach him to ask any of these questions, half of them would be weird to ask someone you hardly knew, regardless!

"Jesus, and I thought I was the anxious mess around here."

Amar's voice invaded your thoughts again and you unconsciously smiled with the shake of your head.

It was the exact same thing she had said to you when you started on your journey to the parent-teacher conference. It was the first one you had ever been to. You usually skipped out and opted to receive the reports of your kids in the mail instead, but this meeting was apparently instrumental, so you had to go.

"Why would you need to be nervous?" You raised an eyebrow, "You haven't been getting in trouble at school, have you?"

"Umm..." Amar looked away, trying to be nonchalant and failing.

Suddenly, both of your eyebrows were raised as you smoothed your hands over the only formal shirt you had at the time. A clean-cut, white button-up. Like you were wearing some sort of uniform. Only, you were in another pair of washed-out jeans. You weren't exactly dressed to the nines but you liked to believe you cleaned up nice. Amar had even complimented you earlier on your outfit as you yanked on your trainers. It was a warm day outside so there was no need for a coat.

Amar was dressed in her vaguely emo outfit, because she was vaguely emo and usually wore all black and did her eyeliner with a steady hand that definitely wasn't passed down in the family because Christ the few times you tried to do your own eyeliner, you failed miserably each time because your hands were so shaky and sweaty from the nerves of poking your eyes out. One of the patrons had told you that she got liquid eyeliner in her eye once and her whole sclera went black as it spread everywhere.

Now, she might have been lying just to spook you. But she also might not have been. You tried to think of it as just another art commission- just on your face. However, having things around your eyes was high key anxiety-inducing and not the same as drawing smutty art on Tumblr for 20 dollars apiece.

"Hun..." You urged, sternly.

"Alright," She groaned, "So maybe Jen's friend group has been getting me into some trouble with them. But it's not anything I couldn't handle on my own."

"Again?"

"You could at least sound a little surprised."

"I'm not. Jennifer and her groupies are nothing but trouble- er... in my opinion."

"Good thing I didn't ask for your opinion then."

"Hey, proof is in the pudding, my Amour. You know I don't mean to sound rude about it. I just believe my little girl deserves better than to be pushed around by a bunch of immature teens."

"I know..." She sighed, "I can't just ditch them, though. They're my friends- or, Jen's my friend and her and her friends are all I've got. If I dropped them then I'd have no one."

"I know," You admitted softly, "I can't say it'll be easy. High school is really bad for that sort of thing. Everyone gets into groups so fast and when they're all in cliques it's hard to insert yourself into them or navigate from one to another. That's why I tried to say you should stick with V and Chrys and the others."

"What about me?" V bounded down the stairs and peered over the bannister.

You looked up at them with their extremely short hair and viridescent eyes. Their skin was the same shade as your own and Amar's. The triplets were out somewhere, though you couldn't remember at present times. At the time, however, you knew exactly where they were and kept careful track of any updates they sent you over the phone.

"Not everything's about you, V, God..." Amar teased, playfully.

"I wasn't saying that! I just heard my name so I wanted to check in. What are you guys saying about me?"

"We weren't saying anything about you," You clarified, "I just happened to mention you and the triplets. That's all."

"Yeah, but why?"

"Why do you care?" Amar raised a brow, simpering, "We were talking about you, not to you. There's a difference."

"Wow, okay. Now I'm even more suspicious. If it involves you then it usually isn't good. Especially since you started hanging out with Jennifer and her gang."

"Why is everyone so focused on Jen slander?? I shouldn't be okay with this, she's my friend!"

V snorted as if it was a joke and turned their head to the side.

"Didn't Jennifer literally steal your lunch money? Like... right from your pocket?"

"That... that was..." Amar looked nervous suddenly.

"Face it, baby sis. She's not exactly the model friend."

You remembered that particular incident. You had nearly stormed out of the house in a fit of rage. It hurt that Cosmos had been the one to tell you and not Amar herself. She knew you'd react that way and you had to be calmed down as you settled for making a big dinner for your infinitely more hungry sister who had missed lunch.

It was that day that you started packing lunches for Amar instead, although you had a feeling that Jennifer and her friends had a knack for taking small snacks from it since Amar still came home hungry to this day. That was another reason you didn't like Jennifer and yet somehow it had slipped your mind for the briefest of moments.

"Let's not put Amour on the spot," You cut in, despite your boiling blood.

V just shrugged and nodded, about to head back up the stairs before stopping.

"Oh! Now I remember what I wanted to tell you! Dad! We ran out of the mozzarella sticks!"

"Maybe if you stopped pigging them down all the time we'd still have some," Amar suggested, with all the wit of a little sister trying to get under their older sibling's skin.

"They shouldn't make them the perfect stress eating food then," V replied, as if that were their saving grace, "Actually- if you lot stopped stressing me out all the time we wouldn't be having this issue."

"All you do every day is eat and sleep all day like some kind of cat in human form. How are you even getting stressed?"

"That's not ALL I do every day!!" V hissed, indignantly, "I study and then I listen to the triplets rant about whatever bullshit you've pulled today!"

"Language!" You cut in with a glare.

"Sorry, dad."

"Yeah, V. Watch your language you fucking prick," Amar added, smugly.

"You guys are really making me think about getting a swear jar..." You sighed, pinching the bridge of your nose after pushing your glasses up on top of your head.

"Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed..."

"Can you take things seriously for just a damn minute Amar?" V prodded with a glare, "Seriously, That Jennifer girl is no good! And neither are her dumbass friends. I could find more brains in some sickos jar than in their damn heads."

"We're still on this?"

"Maybe it's best if we move on," You decide, trying to corral your youngest towards the door, "I'd like it if you stopped arguing. You lot are already giving me a headache."

"It's not my fault!" Amar exclaimed.

"She started it!" V pointed at Amar, "Which reminds me! You made me go off topic again, you dimwit!"

"You know what they say!" Amar laughed a bit of an evil laugh over your shoulder as you struggled to unlock the front door, fumbling with your keys, "If you forgot it, it probably wasn't that important."

V gasped, offended as they placed a hand against their chest.

"How DARE you say that about my mozzarella sticks?!? They're delicious and EXTREMELY important!"

Amar just gave them a look as you pushed open the door. And even though it tired you out, you decided to hear out V's request. But only long enough to avoid more arguing. The day outside was a nice, warm summer's day. Not too hot because of the cool breeze shifting by. The terrace council houses' walls were paper thin meaning you always had to keep the blinds and curtains closed to insulate the house to some degree.

It was always cold, no matter how hot the world outside was. Somehow, even in the winter, your house was colder than what it was outside if you left the curtains open. That's why all the closets in each bedroom were filled to the brim with blankets, pillows and thick clothes. That's why the curtains and blinds were always closed in the house even to the present day, no matter what, to stop heat from escaping.

"Whatever you say, Attention Vri... sea-ker!" Wow, Amar was really proud of that one...

You had no idea that that measure would prove to be a hindrance to a certain someone in the future. But as far as houses went, this one was cheap with the benefits and job you had. And speaking overall, living arrangements could be worse. At least you were away from your father, wherever the fuck he was these days.

"That was an awful pun, first of all. And not even true, second of all!"

"It was a great pun. You just need to get a sense of humour, you stupid doomer. Haha, that rhymed!"

Amar blew a raspberry at them while sticking out her tongue. V just rolled their eyes while you desired to bash your head into a wall and just put yourself out of your misery already. How was it that Cosmos and Chrys were always at each other's throats... and V and Amar were always 'play fighting', yet you, Juniper and Zephyr always got on really well when you were their ages and rarely fought?

"I-" You interjected V's thoughts.

"Is there something you want, V? Because we've gotta go..."

You gestured for the door, hoping to hurry this along. V and yourself actively chose to ignore the malevolent smirk on Amar's face. In her mind, she had essentially gotten the last word.

"Oh, right. Can you get some more mozzarella sticks while you're out?"

"Get them yourself," Amar sassed.

"I can get you some more."

V was the only one in the house that liked them, but you had some money put away for treats for your kids anyways so you didn't mind buying V them. They were pretty cheap and the owner of the place you got them from knew you and was very civil and always lovely. You just wished you had some extra hours of sleep, because maybe then you wouldn't be so exhausted when you went to see her.

"Mom, you're too nice to them. Make them get them themselves."

"We're already leaving the house, I might as well stop by the place and get some more. It's no trouble, my Amour..." You lightly petted Amar on the head, ruffling her hair.

She fixed it with a small glare your way. You turned towards your second youngest, who had decided their work was done and went to climb up the stairs back to their bedroom. However, you called out to them again, making them sigh and turn. They clearly wanted the conversation to be over, whereas you liked them when they were facing you so that you got to admire the face of one of the kids you had raised so lovingly.

"Is there anything else you needed, hun?"

"No that's all..." V nodded but then did a double-take as Amar laughed in relief.

"Finally! Let's get this show on the road already-!"

"Actually- where are you going?" V seemed confused as they looked you up and down, examining your 'formal' outfit closely.

"Where do you think, moron?" Amar replied, rhetorically, as she folded her arms, just wanting to leave already.

"I don't know. That's why I asked...?"

"We're just about to head off to that parent-teacher conference, my dear," You informed with a gentle smile as Amar began her exit onto the first step outside.

"Ugh... so it's gonna be one of those days, is it?"

"Huh?" You blinked.

"Nothing," V sighed, "It's just that... you look tired, mom. So, don't push yourself too hard. Lord knows you'll be annoyed by the time you get back."

"You don't know that..." You smiled up at them, with the tilt of your head.

"Ohhhh yes I do. If Amar hiding her reports is anything to go by."

"Ah! I have NOT been doing that!" She insisted, flustered.

"Alright. I didn't say anything then..."

But they had said enough. And when you headed off to the parent-teacher conference, you had a feeling you were in for a nasty surprise. Sure enough, you were irritable by the time you returned home. Apparently, your lovely Amour was on the cusp of getting suspended from all the trouble she was getting into. It was the first time you had to ground one of your kids and you felt really guilty about it but it had to be done.

Plus, it kept her away from her stupid friends so, really, it was the best course of action.

It was memories like that that made you lose your confidence even more. Knowing that you were almost certainly hopeless. You hadn't even known Amar was in that much trouble until you were called in like that. You were despairingly bad at social cues and apparently even less observant than your second youngest when you should have been presenting a good example as their parental guardian.

Yet there you were, not doing a very good job of that by contemplating a kidnapping and wandering around town like an idiot. You avoided going home, knowing how empty it would feel without your sister's presence, as you shrugged your hood up to your cat jacket. A yawn broke its way out of your lips and you pressed a hand against your mouth to stifle it as you walked in the setting sun, the oranges and reds tinting the once blue sky that reminded you so much of your lovely Sweetheart's mesmerising eyes that sparkled in the golden sun-like magic.

These hues of orange-tinged the world in its heavenly glow, seeping over rock and warming your dark black jacket even more over your dress pants and trainers that soothed your aching feet. And as you glanced up from the ground, you saw something.

And your heart nearly stopped. And you nearly stopped. And so did the world around you.

It was as though time stood still in those moments.

The chatter of idle pedestrians around you faded out and car motors seemed to go silent. The sky above was calm. Cotton candy pink palaces made of fluffy, gentle clouds went still in an endless sky awash with the watercolour vibrancy of the coming end of a day. And amongst teens in fashionable t-shirts, and couples bathed in the golden glow of the sun hovering just above the horizon- amongst the sparse crowd thronging through the streets and gradually dispersing- amongst all these meaningless silhouettes that idly shifted out of your way in their own time...

was him.

You'd recognise that tall, thin body anywhere. The grey, colourless skin wrapping around his hands that hung loosely at his sides and the blue sweater that could hardly rival the liquid, steely colours of his eyes. Oh, those eyes. You had longed to see them again and this- this was your chance!

He was towering above the young people gathered outside the various confectionary and clothes stores in the area. His aura was almost solemn in contrast to the world glowing with cheer and laughter around you. But you didn't care about all that because he wasn't the one laughing, nor was the sound of his sweet-sounding, tenor voice the sound reverberating around you.

The pace of your heart sped up, and with it, so did your casual walking. Without thinking, you fell in step with him. His long legs carried his stride in a regular fashion but accelerated in comparison to you. You wanted to talk to him. You could've called out to him then, but you didn't know his name and it would certainly be weird for a stranger who you've only met once to stop you in the street, wouldn't it?

To add to that, he seemed tired or at least downtrodden from the day. No doubt he wanted to rest up. And for you to keep him awake when he could be sleeping- you'd never forgive yourself. After all, he seemed so tired with those dark circles around his large, bright eyes. He needed the rest and you were just gonna make him cringe to death and wish he hadn't gone outside at all...

You didn't want to hold him up again like how you had the first time. He was so polite and charismatic that he just couldn't bring himself to tell you to screw off because you were bothering him.

It would just show that you had been thinking about him non-stop. No doubt he wouldn't recognise you. And you'd be the weirdo who couldn't stop thinking about him when he didn't even recall your existence. And if he did, it would be because you were chasing after a cat at 6 a.m in your embarrassing cupcake pyjamas that you held him up in because he was too awkward to leave a conversation with you.

If you wanted to talk to him, it had to be on his terms, didn't it? But if that was the case, he might never talk to you again. Surely you should take a chance... but that could risk him resenting you. You didn't want him to hate you.

These thoughts flooded your head as you mindlessly followed him at a distance, feet taking you to wherever he was going as your hoodie clung to your form. A chilly breeze brushed by and you were glad you had zipped the thing up prior, hands dug into your pockets as your eyes glazed over- staring ahead as the setting sun reflected in the lenses of your glasses. Your world had already begun to get blurry.

It was then that you realised your heart was pounding in your chest as you passed into a more residential, apartment building area of downtown. You shoved your glasses off your face and into your pockets, hands shaking with anticipation. What were you even going to do? What could you do? What would you say to him that would make him think you weren't weird?

• "Hey, I remember you!"

No... that was dumb and sounded expectant of him to remember you as well. And there was no guarantee that he would.

• "Hi, sorry to bother... but aren't you the guy that found my cat?"

No way. That comes off way too wimpy. He'd think you were a total weirdo. In fairness, that's exactly what you were, right? It was such a small interaction and it was almost unhinged for you to be so deeply obsessed with someone in the way you were just because he paid attention to and was fairly decent to your cat.

Of all the things to fall in love with someone over at first sight, it was because he pet your cat. Anybody could've doe that. It made you wonder just how messed up in the head you were. How deranged you were to follow someone around trying to figure out what to say to him If he turned around in that moment and saw you trailing him, he'd want to talk to you even less. There was no way you could pass this off as just happening by him anymore if he saw you sweating so desperately for his attention the way you were...

God, you were utterly pathetic. Like some kind of lovesick puppy, but it was even worse than that. Were you not just having murderous thoughts about his possible and yet also possibly fictitious partner? Getting jealous over a scenario that didn't exist yet, over a guy you hardly even had one conversation with? You were mentally disturbed- a sicko- a freak.

• "Oh, hey! I just noticed you're the guy that found my cat!"

That sounds too dismissive. What if he was insulted? Or worse, what if he hated you forever because of that???

You were acting, in the words of Ben, "nutty as a fruitcake". Going over introductions like this like you weren't trailing him for a good twenty minutes by now. You had gotten good at pretending- good at acting like you were minding your own business. But as the streets got dingier and dingier and less and less populated, it became clear that you were doing nothing for your case of being completely unstable.

And he'd know it if he saw you. His gorgeous, deep blue eyes would glare into you and he would flinch away at the sight of your body lightly trembling with burning hot desire and need to talk to him once again as you deliberated over an opening. You would stop in your tracks and he would yell at you to 'fuck off' and 'stop following him'. And then what would you do? What would you do then when you were sure you had no chance with him? You'd look unstable. And maybe you totally were. But you didn't want him or anyone else to know about it- especially not him.

You were basically stalking him at this point and you weren't even hiding it. It was painfully obvious how you tailed him. Yet he seemed to involved in his own thoughts to notice. You could almost hear his own disappointed murmuring to himself. He seemed really worked up about something. You wanted to gather the courage to go up and comfort him or ask him about it. To try and soothe him somehow.

There had to be something wrong with you. And yet, as you inwardly acknowledged this, you didn't stop. Your feet carried you after him as if you were possessed by some otherworldly force that dragged you after him without an ability to stop yourself.

• "Hey, there stranger. You doing alright?"
• "Hey, do I know you from somewhere?"

Yet every avenue you tried in your head seemed to fall flat. And even then, watching him drag himself into the downtown area, the light of the sun casting a long shadow before him that seemed limp on the pavement and lifeless, you couldn't seem to muster enough bravery to actually go through with it.

• "Hey, I was just passing by and I noticed that you looked a bit sad. You wanna talk about it?"

Pushing aside how weird it was to ask someone you didn't know to talk about their problems upon meeting, even then you deemed all of your introductory ideas completely inadequate. He'd likely be weirded out by every single one of your approaches. There had to be something simple. An easy opener that would seem simultaneously normal and yet interested at the same time. Some universal introduction that would save you from uncertainty.

• "Hello!"

... No, that wouldn't do. It was too simple. God, you were totally flaking out. It felt like it should be easy to just go up to someone and start a conversation. But as each second passed it was like your throat dried up more and more and suddenly you weren't sure if there was any hope at any conversation.

It was like each idea was vaguely courteous but hardly human in approach. Like you were some alien trying to act like a human when you weren't one. Disjointed with thinly veiled intent. Maybe there was still time to google a way to say "hi" to someone normally. Wait- what if you just said "hi"??

... No way, that's dumb.

• "Hey, nice to see you again!"

That just sounded vaguely creepy... it would come off that way if he didn't remember you, as well. Or he might just be too awkward to leave from a conversation again and feel forced to talk to you. That was the last thing you wanted. You deeply longed to cultivate a genuine conversation with him this time around. Something that he'd want to participate in... and worst of all

What if you just started with introductions?

. . .

SHIT! YOU DIDN'T KNOW HIS NAME! Well, that was the point of coming up with a nickname for him earlier...? But GOD- you hated introductions. It was just now dawning on you that he didn't even know YOUR name. Your heart sunk at the implications of what that could mean...

The chances that he didn't even remember who you were, were getting more and more likely and it was utterly breaking your heart. He couldn't leave... he just couldn't. You couldn't lose your chance with him.

But if you gave the wrong sort of impression, then chances were he WOULD leave. And where would you be then? Alone with no chance with him. He'd find some other person and get his happily ever after without you. You'd never have another chance to feel this way again- you just knew it. Which means you couldn't squander this opportunity that he had given you. You couldn't squander him. Things NEEDED to go well on your first proper conversation. If they didn't, you'd lose a piece of yourself along with his retreating form.

He wouldn't escape. You wouldn't let him. You knew that much. But were you really prepared for him to hate you for eternity when you could go the easy way- the way you deeply desired, and romance him like you were a normal person who wasn't currently following him home? Like you were a good person who wasn't thinking about luring him to a second location and tying him up in your bedroom for the rest of time, taking care of him and ensuring he never had to work a day in his life again?

The opposite of love is indifference. If he was feeling hatred for you, at least he'd be feeling something. And maybe you'd be lucky enough to foster Stockholm Syndrome in him, to the point where he'd never want to leave your side again, even if you kidnapped him. He'd have to come around eventually, right?

It was like all your worst fears were confirmed. The people remaining in the streets seemed to evaporate around you, going about their business until it was just the both of you, walking on the same pathway to the same place. In too deep now to stop, you decided to just go all in. You continued your walk at a leisurely pace. As if you weren't sweating in your jacket. As if your eyes weren't glowing.

As if you didn't have the urge to run up behind him and take him by surprise then and there. Choke him out and drag him back home to your house where he could be locked up (lovingly) forever. Or jump onto his back with a laugh like you were old friends and kiss him all over that stupid, beautiful face of his. How you wished you were both familiar enough for you to do that... it would be like a dream come true. It was everything you wanted.

You were in public but no doubt he'd think you were fucking insane. Even if your strength was enhanced now, he might've been able to overpower you... and then what? You'd be thrown in prison, unable to take care of Garrett or Amar. And your family would hate you, too. The only people that mattered in this world was them and Garrett and him.

'Stop. Stop!' You scolded yourself, desperately, 'You don't know any of these things could happen. There's no need to get ahead of yourself. Just... breathe. It'll be fine.'

You wished that you could say you completely shoved these thoughts out of your head like a normal person. But you kept them filed away for later, instead. Just in case... just in case...

Life without them could hardly be called a life. You'd sooner kill yourself than face something like that-

He stopped ahead of you, but you kept walking, eyes ahead but keenly focused on him in your peripheral as he went into a tall building- an apartment building- his apartment building. He probably lived there!

'Oh no.'

Your heart practically jumped into your throat and did a runner as you stopped in your tracks for the briefest of moments. Again, it was like the world had stopped spinning and suddenly everything was flying off the face of the earth. Nothing else mattered except him, slowly entering that run-down building of his- his destination in the glow of the orange sun. Your entire body pulsated with each sharp hammer of your heart as you stared at his downcast figure.

It was the first time you had followed someone home. You had lost your chance to talk to him and stumbled across a treasure trove of secret government information meant for no one's eyes. It was like the restricted area locked up in a mystical library. Or the forbidden fruit, hanging invitingly from the tree.

In this moment, you were Persephone taking the six pomegranate seeds and signing your life away to the Underworld and Hades. The figurative representation of them, in this sense, being your own desire and obsession and not the object of your affections who was none the wiser to your freakish happenstance across his dwelling.

'No- no-...' Your hands were shaking with fear and excitement and you weren't sure which would overpower the other.

You had opened up a part of yourself you weren't sure you wanted to know about. Ripped the lid off Pandora's box and an endless supply of monsters and horrors emerging from the jaws of the darkest parts of your mind. You swallowed, dryly. It was worse than you could've imagined. Not alcohol, not sex and not drugs. Your addiction was nothing like the addiction of your father. It was him. This thin, lollipop of a man (and Lord, you would suck him up, alright...) was your high, your low, your withdrawal symptoms. You were chemically wired to him and he was your supply. Your everything.

Now that you knew where he lived... you were almost certain that you wouldn't be able to stay away. At least before, when you didn't know, things might've been easier to manage. You could've kept those darker parts inside yourself. Plugged them up and prevented them from leaking out. But the moment you found his place of residence, your heart seemed to drag to a halt and then restart, bursting with enthusiasm.

There was a yawning chasm in place of your chest. It hungered and yearned for more, stirring at this little drop- this little taste of his life. And now that you knew part of him, it wanted more. More more more more more.

'More... more...'

You couldn't escape from it. You couldn't fight it even if you tried. But you didn't want to try. You wanted this. And it hit you like a truck all over again. The realisation that you truly were this sick and demented creature that would stalk your Sweetheart to his home like some sort of beast unable to hold back their own desires. You were the lowest sort of low. Hardly human and more a collection of fucked up character traits rolled into one person.

'What is WRONG with me?! I'm- what am I?! I'm fucking insane! I need- I need serious help! I need to go back- I need to find a doctor and stay away from him-'

But you couldn't. Your selfishness dictated so. You needed to be there for him, to protect him, to watch over him. Your Sweetheart. You were likely nothing but a danger to him and yet you couldn't bring yourself to leave. You didn't want to. All self-control went out the window when it came to him.

'I can't leave. I don't want to. I don't want to go- please, don't make me go! I need to be there to protect what's mine. Mine mine mine mine mine mine MINE.'

You hated the kind of pleasure you got from receiving this information. It was wrong. Your siblings would be so disgusted with you if they found out. But you were already moving again, grinning ear to ear as you tucked your chin into your neck, letting your baggy hood fall over your head once again, cat ears drooping to hide that toothy, obsessive smirk.

You were the worst kind of degenerate. Utterly debauched. And yet... now that you had fed the monster inside, it was hungry for more. Nothing would ever be enough for it- nothing would ever be enough for you. And you were acutely aware of the fact that you would push the limits further and further and further until you were on the boundary of the deep end. And you weren't sure what would happen to you when you took that plunge.

You had been careful to stay far away from that part of yourself. But now, you were staring into the void deeply with no ability to look away. And it was staring back. It was hypnotic, drawing you in.

Now that you had taken a tentative step towards it, away from the shallow waters, it would sink its teeth into you and drag you in... and you were okay with that. The fire of desire had already sunk its claws into you and burned you so good you were somehow okay with this and yet also deeply terrified at the same time.

This would consume you. You were there big bad wolf inquiring about his picnic basket. And he was just minding his own business as you followed him to Grandmother's house. You were the monster under his bed, hiding in his closet- the very thing he had been afraid of at night when he was a child. The very nightmare he started awake from and ran to his parents' room to clutch onto his family for some form of sanctuary. You were something worse than that. The very stain on the earth that refused to leave like a blood shadow taking root in dirt and dust.

There was something horribly wrong growing inside of you. And you were helpless to stop it. Nurturing was second nature to you with so many siblings. You nurtured them, strangers, friends. And now you were nurturing something much more sinister inside of yourself without even meaning to.

After searching into the night for the previous days, Peter made the reasonable assumption that his Darling would likely not go out at night. It was dangerous to venture out into the darkness and he had a feeling his Darling was a very intelligent person. Therefore, after he finished recording himself for his job, he took to the streets in the daytime and searched all the places he had previously investigated under the cover of nightfall.

Acting natural, his blue eyes scanned over the local pet shops and corner stores- areas where one might purchase cat food and where you might've gone to do the same thing. But he found no traces of you. He tried not to fret, investigating the vet, the store in which he had seen the very same cupcake pyjamas you had been wearing the day you both met. He thought maybe it was a clothes store you frequented, but he didn't find you anywhere there.

He went back to where you had met in the first place and found people there. But none were you. And then he dropped by the gym and the jogging track in the park to investigate whether you were exercising at either point.

Of course, if he had found you, he would've been having a very different reaction. He was frustrated- and not sexually this time. Just anger. He seethed at himself for letting you slip through the cracks- for freezing up when you bolted. If he had just been a few seconds faster it would've made all the difference. He could've lightly grabbed your arm and urged you to calm down and told you that although the contact was probably weird, he was just concerned for the health of your cat and for yourself, too.

You would have to understand him stopping you from running away if he thought that you were going to manhandle your cat. You'd be forced to sit down. You had a kind heart after all. You wouldn't want to hurt your cat by jostling him around in your arms as you sprinted off. And you would probably be grateful for him looking out for your health as well if he expressed concern as to whether you were about to have a panic attack or something.

He would've been justified in stopping you. You might've even thanked him. And then he could've offered his number in case you wanted to talk about mental health stuff, making him come off as someone who truly cared (and he did, but he wanted you to know that).

Instead, he just watched you run off. In fairness, he couldn't have anticipated that reaction. After all, his entire existence and the foundation of his being was crafted specifically for you. To see you so afraid of your undeniable connection with him was almost unfathomable. But he could sympathise. He was certain if you hadn't approached him that day and he had been the first to see you, then it would've taken him a great deal of time to work up the courage to talk to you.

At least if he knew your name he'd know what he was looking for. The only things he had to go off was your stunning appearance, those glistening E/C eyes shadowed with sparking nerves and uncertainty, that monochrome skin that brought out the H/C shade of your hair that sometimes fell in your face in tresses. That hair that he wanted to run his fingers through.

If he had just known your name he could've gone to the dentist or the hospital and picked up your medical records and figured things out from there! If you had just put a collar on that sweet cat of yours, he might've had a number to contact you by (but that approach may have been a little jarring for you...). If he had just...- not frozen that day, he might've already had both of those things and been able to follow you home so that he could admire you from your windows. But he didn't have any of that.

He raked his hands over his scalp. It was a sobering thought- that he had fucked everything up and had to wait for destiny to make you guys meet again.  The idea that you'd never see each other again was just impossible to him. As impossible as the sun not rising tomorrow morning. He was made for you, and you were made for him. Therefore, you had to meet again because you were destined to be together. You were connected, tied together by fate. There was no escaping that. And you'd understand when you were together, one day.

When he had you all to himself, tied up in his bedroom, ready for his full undivided attention, affection, and adoration. He'd give all of himself to you and you'd give all of yourself to him. Because that's what couples did. Especially Soulmates like him and yourself.

A fated pair.

So, it was really messing with his head that he couldn't find you, no matter where he looked, no matter where he searched. You never seemed to be there. As if you had just disappeared from the face of the earth itself. He reasoned that you couldn't have gone very far from your house that morning. Your cat had to be sticking nearby and you wouldn't have run across the city in your cupcake pyjamas. He was only gone for that morning, as well, you couldn't have made a large journey around, regardless of how quick he was.

Therefore, he checked the nearby neighbourhoods to your original point of collision. The place where he just knew you were his and he was yours in body, mind, and soul. It was destined to be.  He checked the rich cul de sacs. He checked the terrace houses on council land.

Yet he couldn't find you. It grated on him. The sun was setting and he was so emotionally exhausted. He wanted to keep searching but he couldn't bring himself to face more failure. He knew you wouldn't be out by that time. He had been searching at all the places you could've been for about three days prior (the day he met you and the two subsequent days). He was sure he would've come across you by now on one of his trips if you were.

Not a trace of you was left behind. It infuriated him as much as it made him want to sink to his knees and cry. He wanted you- he needed you. You were his and he was yours. But he couldn't find you. It felt like his heart was being shattered to a million pieces over and over again. Sure, fate would direct you two together again- he was sure of it.

But why couldn't he just find you already!?? Why couldn't you two come across each other again right then and there? Why did it have to take listless searching only to come up with no results?? Why couldn't you just turn the corner and be there? Right in front of him, ready for him to run up to you and sweep you off your feet and cover your entire body in feather-light kisses.

Why why why why WHY??

With these thoughts in mind, he couldn't bear to be outside and see so many happy couples and people laughing and talking together. Holding hands, kissing, and giving each other affection. His world felt as though it had faded into black and white again, the magical sparks that seemed to ignite in your presence and make everything just that much brighter were fading from the lack of you being beside him.

He just wanted to bask in defeat for a while. He needed to get his frustrations out in pain. He had failed you. The one thing he never wanted to do in life was fail you. Fail to keep you safe, fail to love you, fail to find you.

He was hardly paying attention to his surroundings as he traipsed back to his dingy apartment through the downtown area- a place he hoped to never bring you to. Don't get him wrong, he wanted you all to himself but this was no place for you to live. It was just a temporary place for him to reside until he had everything together to find a new place more suitable to your needs and then he'd gladly bring you there for any reason you wanted.

Anything you asked of him, he'd give. No matter the cost. He didn't mind it at all. Your happiness was priceless, unlike everything else in this world. This world that felt too cruel to exist in without your presence.. He was made for you. So, if you weren't his, then what was his purpose in life?

If he didn't know where you were, how was he supposed to follow you to the ends of the earth? How was he supposed to be a part of your life? Sure you wouldn't know about it. Sure you'd never see all the effort he put in each day for you, but that didn't matter because he'd know where you are. And that meant he'd be able to follow you to your work to make sure nobody was trying to take you away from him. That meant he could make your life easier by picking off all the people that were causing trouble for you (and getting in the way of the future you'd have with him, of course).

Imagining the gentle smile you'd give him when he'd find you again nearly brought him to tears. He needed to see you again. It was an urge so deeply a part of him, burrowed below the surface and threaded through the very fabric of his being that it physically hurt his heart to not know where you were at. To not find you after he had seen you. He felt so useless for letting you get away! Worst of all, he felt so useless for letting you get away while sad.

He saw that look on your face and it killed him. You had apologised over and over again (for what, he wasn't sure) as you held your cat close to your chest and ever so gently caressed his fur. Maybe someone other than him wouldn't have noticed- someone who wasn't watching your every move, reading your every quirk, staring deeply at each of your movements. But he was- and he could see the tears blinking in your eyes that reflected the sunlight in such a peachy way, almost changing colours in the light. Luminescent and beautiful. And he could see the frown tugging at your face as you skittishly glanced at him from between strands of your soft hair that trailed down your face.

You looked heartbroken. By him- or perhaps your own thoughts. It was like he could see the cogs turning in his head through every pause of the conversation, your eyes wildly averting from his, desperately avoiding his own gaze (cute, and it made it easier for him to stare at you when you weren't looking). You were an overthinker. He could tell as soon as you spoke, as soon as you looked at him. And the fact that you had probably been through a lot in your life likely didn't help that. He could tell you were one of the kindest people he'd ever have the honour of meeting in his lifetime. The last thing you wanted to do was hurt someone that didn't deserve it, or make them upset.

The idea that he was destined to be with such a gentle lover made him so happy. He would've loved you regardless, but gentle people were the easiest to manipulate. No doubt you would treat him with the same gentle love (which he was glad for!) and he'd be able to convince you to leave anybody that got in the way of your unified love with some easy reasoning without having to get his hands dirty. And that pleased him immensely.

He had made it clear (without making it too clear as too much at oce may have scared you off) that he liked you and was about to ask you out on a date of some kind or at least ask your name while his confidence was high enough to talk at all to you (as well as... some other parts of his body that had reacted involuntarily to your presence) and yet you pulled away as you had just been burned. And you looked positively guilty, soothing yourself in the fur of your cat.

At first, he could only assume that he had done something to make you think that he didn't like you, but that couldn't have been it. It was hard for him to pretend to be normal around you when all he wanted to do was pick you up, wrap your legs around his waist and slam you into the wall of the nearest building to screw your brains out until you were screaming his name (ugh, his name... he might have to adjust that fantasy later...). It would've been especially difficult for him to act like he didn't want to be around you. He was already quivering at the fact you had given him any compliments at all, at the fact you felt like he was worth complimenting. That had never happened before.

But you were afraid. He had a feeling it was to do with your low self-worth. The thought that you had thought you were bothering him based on no accusation of his own made his heart feel like someone had taken a hammer and slammed it into him. It winded him and he might've broken there. But he was angry, most of all. Who had hurt you so much to make you feel like you weren't worth his or anybody's time?

You were an Angel. A perfect being sculpted by the Gods themselves. So tender and sweet that he might've gotten cavities just from one conversation with you. And that smile was so radiant- he wanted to see you smile all the time. He wanted to hear your laugh all the time.

He wanted your laugh to fill up the empty space left behind in the wake of the loneliness that had plagued him for so long. He wanted his mornings and nights to be filled with your delicate touch holding him close to your chest and laughing at something or another. Maybe a joke he had said, maybe something stupid. It didn't matter, as long as he was with you and if he was the source- even better.

An empty vid was left where you should've been. His empty life now emptier without you. It was as though you had breathed life into him. You were the very oxygen he needed to survive. And you were gone. Dispersed into thin air. He needed to find you again. Even if fate would run its course and he would find you naturally, he needed to speed up the process somehow.

He thought searching for you would come up with some results in that department. But each time he came up with nothing it wore down on his mental state until he was basically dragging himself back through a lonely, black and white world, unable to appreciate the scenery of the sun dropping below the buildings, casting shadows and a glowing light over the city that seemed flat and pointless without you there. The city was slipping into quiet as the streets became less busy.

He loved flowers. But he also loved you. And when you weren't there, he couldn't find it in him to even look at the small daisies peeking between blades of grass as he passed by patches of greenery in the streets.

It had been so long since he'd had a connection with anyone. The magnetic affinity between the two of you had been amazing. It was no wonder he became so obsessed with you so easily. He was ready to drop everything to chase you down. But he couldn't do it like this. He needed sleep. He hadn't slept in three days and he needed sleep. And... he needed you. But you weren't there, through no fault of your own. He couldn't blame you for that.

He needed to follow you. To know where you were. So that he could know everything about you and become what you wanted. So that he could have you all to himself with no one in the way. But you were gone. And his heart was heavy. And he drowsily pulled himself through the doors of his apartment building, the world outside seeming to disappear beyond the door.

What was the point in other people's existence? The only one in the world that mattered was you.

The neighbour from above him tried to talk to him as he dragged himself up the stairs. He recalled briefly the time he had given her a flower because she was looking down. Something about a douchey ex. He had long since forgotten and at the time he had pretended to care, thinking it would fill the empty void in his heart. But it didn't. Only you had managed to accomplish that. That's why he couldn't let you go now that he had seen you. Now that he had met you.

"Hey, Peter! It's pretty warm today, isn't it?" God, he hated that name.

And he didn't want to talk to anyone but you. What was the point of life? What was the point of this neighbour he didn't care about? Everyone seemed like a blank face to him. He wished it was you, instead. There to greet him as he returned home from a long day. His thoughts filled with holding your hand and warmly enveloping your smaller body in his embrace, pressing his cheek against the top of your head or cuddling up on the couch and watching some movies together.

He needed you. And in his world, you were already his. He was already Your Boyfriend. And you were already his forever partner, deeply in love with him. You had to be, that's why you blushed so harshly when his hand brushed yours. That's why you smiled so sincerely at his compliments. That's why he saw you from the corner of his eye as you approached, that soft, nurturing smile on your face as you eyed both him and your cat.

You were in love with him. As in love with him as he was with you. But he had to be careful about it. You were waiting for him to find you- waiting for destiny to run its course. And putting too much on you straight away would be too much pressure. He might scare you off. And then he'd be alone again.

"If you wanted, maybe we could hang out som..."

Her words became white noise as he tiredly pulled himself to his apartment and went about his nightly routine as usual.

You were waiting for him to find you. But he was sure his Darling could be patient for a while. And he was sure you'd understand the debilitating frustration he felt in your absence. The endless yearning to find and love you but no you to give it to. He needed to think, to get away from everyone. To think about you.

The past couple of nights he had dreamed of you but he was certain that after the thrill of seeing you once had faded back into his usual routine, that he would go back to dreamless sleep once more. Which wasn't so bad, but it was torture. His mind had gotten very creative in imagining all the things you could do together and he had loved it.

Now that you were gone, his life had returned back to the dull state that it had been before. The vibrancy of life that you had brought to him disappeared. But now that he had gotten a taste of what things could be like, he didn't want to let that go. Suddenly going back to dreamless sleep was a nightmare. He wanted you to fill his mind like an endless waterfall pouring into him and drowning him in your irreplaceable and indispensable presence.

Everything felt so worthless without you in it. Why put in the effort to do anything if he wasn't doing it for you? Those were his thoughts as he slammed himself into his bed, his lamp on and illuminating the room which got darker and darker as nightfall drew nearer. He heaved a sigh after he threw off his shirt and sleeveless hoodie, chucking them onto the ground without thought of consequence. If you were there, you'd see what a slob he truly was and run away again.

He couldn't bear the thought, but tonight he just wanted to lay around and let the very image of you in his head take him away to someplace nicer so he could fantasise about your shared happiness as his partner. He could almost see it, now. The two of you on a cute date. He'd buy you roses and you'd smile and blush that irresistible blush as you held them close to a turtle neck that would hug your form in all the right ways. He'd have his arm around your waist as he pulled you closer and pressed a kiss against your forehead and you'd laugh sheepishly and ramble about your day. And he'd listen to every word because he was utterly and irrevocably in love with you.

After what seemed like forever, he turned over and decided to switch off the lamp. The darkness consumed him. But what else was new? Everything was empty and alone because you weren't there with him. You weren't there to press a kiss against his cheek and whisper goodnight to him. You weren't there to bring him comfort and wrap your arms around his slender form. And you weren't there to warm his bed made for two.

The crushing loneliness settled in. He was so desperate for your affections. And you were nowhere to be found. And he was alone.

As he settled into bed again he inhaled deeply as he imagined to be breathing in the scent of your lovely hair. He wrapped his arms around himself and imagined you were there instead, snuggling into his warm embrace. The world faded out around him and he was left to face his nightmares alone.

Chapter Text

The excitement seemed to juice up your whole body in an instant as you walked on by nonchalantly. He was already inside by the time you passed and went on your way- LIES. As soon as you passed him you walked the length of another building before checking the street for any security cameras or people who didn't belong. The street was empty as you ducked into an alleyway and immediately went around the second apartment building, circling it through the alleyways that smelled of gamy sewage and cat piss as you came up to the back of his apartment complex.

Ducking by a rough brick wall that seemed to leak a mystery substance that smelled like the bad sort of tangy. Strong and distinctly old and rotten like roadkill left out in the sun. You waited for a few moments with bated breath. After all, there was no telling how long it took for him to get into his apartment. The place was four stories tall, but nothing you couldn't handle, of course.

The place was also a literal dumpster fire. It smelled of mouldy grease somehow. You weren't even sure grease could mould over. It looked like it could fall apart at any second. It was like a tumour on the world. Like fungus clinging to the earth. It didn't belong. Every inch of it felt wrong somehow.

And your Sweetheart lived here?? Atrocious! Nobody deserved to slum it like this, but especially not him! He was a light untouched by the world. A wandering firefly in the maw of the void, casting down a gentle glow upon all the beauty that you could've missed.

And he was being utterly squandered in a cesspit of human degeneracy.

This simply wouldn't do. Your mind wandered, broken fragments of coherency colliding and battling with each other over the range of fantasies prying your mind. Children in the house. A stay at home father, never leaving. Never wanting to leave. You could come home to them every day, a little family of your own and a cat cuddling up in the little one's arms as you tucked them in at night after a warm dinner that he had made.

A dinner, made by your beloved? What could be more delicious? Except maybe that D--

Okay, you were getting too ahead of yourself. But still, what a lovely dream that was. He'd never have to work a day in his life again (well, taking care of kids is no easy task, so that could be considered work in itself...), and you'd provide for him everything he could ever want and/or need. And your siblings could visit on the weekends because they'd surely love him just as much as you did.

Sure, your house wasn't the best but you always kept it clean and Amar always kept it clean, too. It was a team effort. If there were any problems with the tidiness you both dealt with them accordingly. And sure, it was a small house, but there were two floors and three bedrooms (One had been V's, one had been Amar's and one had been the triplets', and you had slept on the couch until the triplets left and you moved into their old room... and then when V left, their room was empty again). Your benefits, your job, your grandparents' inheritance and the plenty of money that you stole from your abusive father before you left was enough to pay off the rent.

He would live a good life with you. He could stay at home where the world would never get the chance to corrupt and infect him with their filthy fingers and existence and presence, and you'd worship him, feed him, give him a place to stay, clothe him, bathe him, hold him- and he'd need you, and you'd be okay with that! He would never have to worry his pretty little head about anything ever again. He'd never need to pay you back or anything. The only thing you'd ask for in return would be his love and respect and you'd take care of the rest.

He deserved everything. Every happiness. Every good thing that life had to offer.

And he was wasting his life away in this hovel? No wonder he got such little sleep. No wonder he was so thin. The poor sweetheart probably wasn't eating or sleeping well. He deserved so much better than this. And you felt like you could give that to him.

But he was in there, and you were out here. On the pavement. Creeping about like a fucking rat.

If he saw you like this: drooling at the mere thought of him in the same room as you, he'd be completely disturbed.

Your hands twitched in anticipation. You were here now. There was no taking back this forbidden knowledge. You knew where he lived, and now that you knew, you wouldn't be able to stay away. You just knew you couldn't stay away. It was a compulsion. Some deeply rooted urge within you that refused to leave. At this point in time, you were only quantifiable in relation to him.

If he saw you like this, he'd hate you. He'd fucking hate you.

But you didn't want to go. You couldn't just go. You committed the scratty apartment building to memory, taking in every inch of its decrepit appearance, breathing in the off-putting scent of cat piss and garbage. It was when your vision started blurring that you came to realise just how worked up you were getting.

The thrill of finally seeing him again, knowing where he lived, knowing you had so much to dig your claws into, so many strings to tie, so many things to learn about him and finally you had the access to do so. There was something strangely exciting about knowing more about someone than they could ever know you'd know. Something that made your heart accelerate in pace. Something that made your whole body stammer and stutter like a glitch in the very fabrics of reality, swaddled in the dark void that you had begun to envelop yourself in already.

It was only a matter of time before it consumed you. Or before you consumed it. A constant battle of odds, warring in your mind. Would you succumb to this abyss? Or would you accept it inside of you? There was no option to turn back and leave it behind, now. Not after this. This was the point of no return. You would venture in until one of you was the victor.

Did you even want to turn back?

The dark and vile truth that lurked inside of you had been there all along. It only took a push to unlock it. You had been fighting this monstrous amalgamation of all the worst, fiendish parts of yourself for years as it lay passive and dormant. Why now was it emerging? After years of you forcing yourself to allow your siblings to have freedom, after years of allowing yourself to cave to their need for independence... why now were things changing?

It was as though your own mind had pulled the rug out from underneath you, sending you into the bowels of your mind that you never thought you'd visit. Somehow you were okay with this, even if you shouldn't have been.

A moral part of yourself warned you and urged you away. It told you to turn back and walk to where you came from. But another, more appealing side of yourself urged you to delve deeper. And you were only mildly ashamed to admit that this appealing side of yours was winning. Even if it was the less desirable side to many others. There was something wrong with you, that was for certain. You knew it to be true long before it emerged from the depths and revealed itself to you in the form of sweet lies and gentle coaxing.

But here and now, why did it matter? The only thing that mattered- that would ever matter- was him. And he was in there. And you were out here.

After a few moments, your heart still hammering against your ribcage in delight (you finally knew where he lived!) your head turned to the black pipe mounted into the brick wall. An affectionate grin came on your face as you wiggled your bare fingers. You didn't have your thick, leather palm safety gloves with you today, though you'd be careful to bring them next time. As things stood climbing up the rickety thing would not do, as you still had to scavenge the bottom floor to check if he was in there.

You rounded the building, carefully inspecting each window that jutted out like it was out of place. Something about the brick, barren thing seemed Lovecraftian to you. As if it were some gross smelling, otherworldly being that would grow legs and run away to go pollute the rest of the city with its foulness.

You could almost feel it whispering in your ear like it were a living entity feeding off your very happiness. Sucking the life out of you. Of course, there were no eerie whispers. It was still on the cusp of sunset (not late night, when the building would look its most menacing, you assumed) and it was not in the least bit a living being, so you were safe. Just glancing into the windows, you almost felt like there shouldn't have been windows at all. As though the inside wasn't supposed to be seen by the light of day.

The street was empty and nobody was coming around so what you had to look out for was people looking out of any windows at any building. You started by sneaking around the base to get a good look at the bottom floor. The building was small, to be sure. From what you could see there were four apartments on each floor. Two on each side, squished next to each other like uncomfortable people on a packed train all trying to get as far away from each other as possible, only for every inch of space put between them to be filled by another person. Each apartment barely had the space to exist.

Two of the apartments on the bottom floor were vacant. Despite how small and cheap they must've been, it seemed like some people had the common sense to stay away from them. Besides, this was the bad side of town and while stalking around the place on autopilot, you had to be careful to avoid being seen by any of the druggie weirdos selling their cush and getting high behind other people's places.

One of the empty apartments on the bottom floor had its window put out and it was blockaded by wooden barricades. As if that would do anything to keep anybody out. You bet that in two days time the apartment would be infested by rodents and rebellious teens and disgusting creeps. You wanted to get your Sweetheart out of there before that happened, but you had a feeling you wouldn't be able to. You couldn't just ask some stranger to move in with you. And you couldn't do that to Amar, would likely be very uncomfortable regardless of whether you were deeply infatuated with the person you wanted to invite to join your residency.

The other two apartments made it clear that one of the people living there was out and the other person had all their blinds and curtains closed to keep peeping weirdos like yourself away. The second floor had the same treatment for three out of one. You noticed a faint rotten egg smell at a few areas on the left side of the complex and came to the realisation that someone in the alleyway had egged the place and specifically aimed for one of the apartments that had someone living in it on that floor.

Yikes.

The final apartment on that floor was vacant. And so was most of the third floor, except for one of the apartments on the right side, which had been spared from the egging disaster. The fourth floor had two rooms inhabited opposite each other. The two vacant apartments on that floor had their windows put out. All the curtains and blinds were closed on the occupied apartments but only one had the lights on as the sun sunk over the horizon. And the only other place with the lights on was the only occupied apartment on the third floor.

You stayed silent as a woman exited the apartment building, looking quite down. The girl was pretty and she had scars on her hands similar to the ones on yours, too. You got yours from fracturing your knuckles and several burns and cuts from being the one cleaning up and cooking around the house for a very long time. Though your father had focused most of his rage on Amaryllis, leaving your other siblings alone, since you were the one doing everything around the house if you got something wrong he was not patient with you and he would throw anything he could in his anger.

You didn't care. You didn't mind what he did to you. You would lay down your life to protect your siblings. That was fine.

Besides, you believed your scars added character. You had many on the backs of your hands, one across the length of your left palm from cutting a tomato when you were twelve, and several small scars on your arms from scrapes and cuts and your father throwing things at you. Then there was the scar on your knee from the time you lost a fight with the floor.

Your attention was back on the building as soon as the woman had left. It was dangerous to be walking around at night. Especially around here. You hoped she wasn't coming back for the evening and that she found a safe space to spend the night. You hoped that she was careful in walking around.

There was an access point to the building on the roof. Cigarette buds were littered about, empty syringes and the like of it. You kicked one absently and tried the door, which was broken and swung open easily after you unjammed it. Apparently, they tried to close it by putting a cinderblock in the way on the inside. You rolled your eyes. What was your Sweetheart doing here? This place would kill him, you were sure of it. You were determined to get him out of here by any means possible.

Maybe it was wrong, but you just wanted to protect him and keep him safe. Who knows when someone would put out his window and rob him? Or hurt him? And then what would he do?

'Oh, Sweetheart...'

What had made him choose this dangerous place of all places? Sure, he had survived this long, but there was no telling when that luck would end! You had to save him somehow... or at least watch over him until you were sure he'd save himself- and watch over him to ensure that you could be there to protect him in case anything went wrong.

At first, you had questioned the ethics of this. This was creepy. Weird. Dishonourable. Illegal. But stalking cases were never followed through for women, usually, so your previous fears about being imprisoned for it faded away with that logic, thankfully. You figured if your dear, sweet angel were living in a rich neighbourhood that would be a different story to a certain degree, but then again he was also a man (as far as you knew) so maybe not.

You huffed at the unfairness of it- but only for a moment, crouching down as you looked up at the sky for a brief moment. Angling your thumb in the air, you tested the sky's pigment against your monochrome skin palate before deciding the sky was dark enough to warrant people sticking to themselves in this particular area.

While this was a very big invasion of privacy and a very vile thing to do to any person, let alone the one you loved, you reasoned with yourself that these were necessary precautions to take. He was living in a bad area. This was a dangerous place for him. You didn't intend any harm to him, quite the opposite. You wanted to give him all the love and affection he could ever desire or need. So for all intents and purposes, you weren't doing something wrongfully by any stretch of the imagination.

Watching over the one you love and making sure they're safe in a place as unsafe as this was the only way to ensure his protection! Hooligans might try to come in and hurt or rob him. Maybe they'd try and offer him drugs and make him go into the deep end?? You couldn't let that happen to him. And you were sure he'd thank you in the long run.

'You're a degenerate,' You inwardly hissed at yourself as you prepared to scale the building on the third and fourth floors to check if any silhouettes in the windows matched that of your Sweetheart's, 'You're fucking sick. If someone was doing this to you- or worse Amour, you'd be utterly disgusted. You'd kill them. You'd saw off their limbs and feed them to them until they threw up everywhere. All over themselves- all over you. You wouldn't let this fly if anyone were doing this to any of the kids!'

You tried to urge the thought away. It was right. You were almost ashamed to admit it. You would take violent action against anyone who dared make the people you held so close to your heart uncomfortable. And yet you were being a dirty hypocrite. By the very definition, you were disrespecting your lovely darling's privacy, trust and respect. He would hate you if he ever found out. He would positively loathe you.

'I need to do this. For peace of mind and for his sake.'

That was what you told yourself. And though it was true that those were the reasons, that didn't excuse your behaviour and you knew it. You were using your special skills for this. You were a fucking animal, no better than a pervert or a jealous ex.

'You're fucking insane. You're depraved. You're a fucking psychopath .'

Maybe it was true. Maybe you were nothing better than a shameless miscreant. But you needed to ensure his safety. You needed to know where he was and that he was okay or else your heart would never rest.

The general layout of each apartment (if you could even call them that from how cramped they were) was that there was one room in the front which served as a 'living' room (nobody could live there), a kitchen and a dining area. All of which seemed to barely take up 10ft by 10ft each if the living room served as both that and the dining area. Then, there was a long wall with two doors. One would lead into a bathroom. The other would lead into a bedroom. The bathroom was cramped with a shower, sink and toilet. The smallest room in the house. The bedroom was a little bigger, with room for a double bed or a queen-sized bed, a small end table on each side (which would take up the width of the room) and a closet.

That was house your Sweetheart's room was decorated when you found him. The light was on and his curtains and blinds were left open so carelessly. Just imagining what sort of disgusting cretin could've been peeking on him made your blood boil. He really needed to be more careful... oh, well. At least now you could ensure that never happened. You would be the only one watching him from then on.

He was laid out on his bed- the only one living on the third floor (so at least he would be less of a hassle to reach)- like a God. He didn't have a care in the world. You blushed seeing his shirtless body press against the covers of his sheets. The room was exceptionally plain and he was sprawled out on his stomach. From there you could see his noodle-like arms and smooth, unblemished back that had no definition. But you didn't mind. You didn't understand the type of people who drooled over muscular women, men and individuals between anyways. Not that you didn't respect it regardless but it had never been your own taste personally.

In fact, it was as though your Sweetheart was perfect for you. Your carefully crafted other half. You were no fool to believe that, however. He was generous, kind and tender. That's what you loved about him. And all that came from a place like this? It made him almost glow in an angelic sense. Despite all the hardships life had thrown at him, he was still golden-hearted. The very definition of a diamond in the rough.

It looked like he was getting a good amount of sleep, but you couldn't be certain just yet. He could have been awake. His head half hung off the side of the bed, so you could see the way his face scrunched up slightly. He looked so sad and so still. No longer full of energy and happiness like he had been when you first saw him. He was just... defeated. Almost as though there was no hope left inside of him.

Your heart sunk at this and you pressed a hand against your chest, desperately wanting to help but being completely unable to at your perch on the window sill. There was the distinct smell of blood somewhere but not in droves like a severe wound, more like an open wound that isn't too deep. Like a scrape on the knee, but more frequent and a little deeper than a simple scrape. You narrowed your eyes. Seeing him breathing calmly like that had also calmed the fast pace of your heart. And so your vision was blurring again.

You searched the perimeter cautiously for any signs of people who didn't belong, and then glanced at yourself to be sure. But you had no wounds in sight. And when you turned back to the window, it seemed he had shifted so that his back was to you and he reached over to his bedside table on that side of the room and snapped it off with an easy motion, bathing him in darkness.

But you could still see him regardless. Your eyes never wavered from his sleeping form. Tentatively, you leaned your hooded forehead against the glass.

'I'll protect you...' You wished that he could know that he was safe, that he was well loved somewhere.

But you couldn't project your thoughts to him. And even if you could you wouldn't. It would do nothing but compromise your hiding place (which wasn't very well hidden at all). On top of that, he likely wouldn't appreciate it.

He shifted onto his back momentarily to undo his pants and wiggle out of them. You willed yourself to look away but to still keep an eye on him out of the corner of your eye. You were there to safeguard him and protect him, not to perv! As he threw his jeans across the room, carelessly, you watched him settle back into the warmth of his bed. Your heart pounded as every second mattered. His gaze flickered to the window- for just a moment. And in that moment, you somehow willed reflexes to act as intended, jumping up and clinging to the brick wall, fingers grasping onto stone with the kind of strength you knew you had but still wasn't expecting to activate straight away.

That would've been close. Carefully, you shifted so that you were upside down, still holding on tight, as you peeked from the top of the window. You hadn't expected it to work so quickly. You supposed the strong reactions you were having to him were making you stronger.

You weren't sure what that meant or if you even wanted it.

It just meant that it would make doing this easier. It would give you better access to do these immoral, wrong things to him. To break his trust and his privacy when he didn't even know you. To invade his life when he didn't want or know you were there. That simultaneously delighted and repulsed you.

'What is wrong with me...??' You asked yourself, but no answer came.

And for a bit, that was okay. For a while, you could pretend like what you were doing was justified. Like there was nothing wrong with this at all...

Plus, you were going to have to severely scrub your hands free from whatever germs were on this godforsaken wall. That was why you had used the pipe to climb in the first place. This place was fucking disgusting and you hadn't wanted to touch it with your own bare hands. At least Amar wasn't home to hear how furiously you would be scrubbing to get the gunk off your hands. It was sticky, and not in the way you hung to the wall within an inch of your life.

There he was, laid on his side, eyes closed as a hand sat loosely on his pillow. You wanted to reach through the glass and touch it. His bare arms were smooth and scrawny. He really needed to get some food in him. Your eyes travelled down his body at his bare, peaceful form until they reached-

You tried to dart your eyes away in time, but they still caught a glimpse of his boxer briefs, tight against his ass. You couldn't help but snicker a bit. As attractive as it was, it was somehow funny to see someone in their underwear. A hot blush spread on your cheeks as your eyes skimmed over his legs- the ones that you liked so much. Thin and all the more delectable without those pesky pants clinging to them. You sighed dreamily and then paused, hoping no one had heard that as you retracted from the window.

Silence...

You chanced a look back down and he was still asleep, but your heart nearly leapt out of your chest anyways. Your sight had returned to you now that your heart was loud in your ears. Your Sweetheart was such a remarkable man. You wouldn't take the chance of sneaking into his room at that moment. The sky seemed to darken forevermore, a dark, starless void reaching above you. A feeling of small, insignificance filtered through your thoughts and sobered you a bit as a cold breeze ruffled your clothes.

'This is wrong...'

Why did everything that felt so nice have to be so unethical? Maybe you were a deviant. Maybe you were depraved. Maybe this was utter debauchery. And maybe you were doing one of the most awful crimes known to man. But why did you have to feel so bad about it? And why did it have to be so calming to see him at his calmest, on the brink of sleep? Why did it alleviate so much stress to be able to see him safe and sound when he didn't know you were there?

If it was such an awful thing... why did it feel good? It wasn't fair.

. . . 

You stayed a little longer than you should have, that evening. Observing the slow, rise and fall of his back as he lay on his front. He was mumbling things muffled by the glass separating the two of you. You wondered if he was having a nightmare, but his face showed utter serenity. He was your serenity. That proverbial safe harbour in the storm of life.

You longed to run your fingers down his arms and over his back to help him relax more in his sleep. You longed to caress his gentle cheek and to watch his azure eyes slide closed for the night as he lay beside you, comfortable beyond compare, his hand gripping yours, stomach full and ready to get well rested at your side. You would hold his head close to your chest as your gaze fixated out the window, your fingers like feathers on his skin as you gently ghosted them over his form, steadily breathing and snuggling into your side. You'd whisper sweet nothings to him as he drifted off, feeling safe and protected in your warm embrace.

You'd do anything it took to protect that goodness inside of him. You'd whatever it took to ensure that nobody could touch him with their filthy, corrupted hands and spread their malice and evil to him, dimming that angelic glow behind his murky irises.

He was your Sweetheart and you intended to care for him as such. That was your resolve, as you slipped into the darkness, careful not to make a sound in the crisp, evening air.

Not without snapping a few pictures, of course. Though, they were very low quality due to the window being in the way.

... Somewhere else, you heard a snapping, which drew your attention away from the idle women nearby. Someone had started snapping their fingers. You looked around and found someone sitting at the far end of the bar, who met your eyes as soon as you saw them. He had slicked-back hair and a woman (who looked exceptionally disinterested) right beside him in a nice purple dress. She had red hair, too. She reminded you of Daphne from Scooby-Doo.

He looked you dead in the eyes when you made the mistake of making eye contact. His hair had flecks of silver in it and he was dressed smartly. Your eye twitched as your gaze fell to the fingers he was clicking like you were some sort of dog. This wasn't the first time this had happened but it aggravated you every time it did. He leaned against the bar and with his free hand and waved an empty glass.

"Bartender!" He called.

Begrudgingly, you moved towards him.

It had been almost four in the morning when you got home that night from observing your future partner. And it had become a consistent hobby of yours since each evening. It wasn't harming anyone, you reasoned. You had no intentions of hurting him or doing anything to him that he wouldn't want you to do. Probably. So every time you fed the yawning chasm behind your ribcage, you felt a little more satisfied and you were sure it wouldn't be so dangerous to do so. He was like an addiction. Watching those azure blue eyes gaze at his computer screen as he edited his videos. You had been watching him for a while at this point. It had become routine. You told your dear Amar that your late returns home were a credit to late-night strolls or picking up more hours at the bar.

She was concerned you were overworking yourself. Such an amazing girl. One day, she was going to grow up into the most wonderful woman. You could already see her blossoming into her own.

"Just be careful, mom," She had said, ever so softly, "We don't want you to get burned out."

The girl always had a spunk to her tone, so when she came back at you like that with such a tender voice, it almost made you double-take. Your bright grin softened. Amaryllis was not someone to be squandered. People like her only came once in a million years. It was an honour to have raised her, a privilege to know who she truly was deep down. The same could be said for all the rest of your siblings. Such wonderful kids, grown or not, they'd always be your kids.

"Umm... hello?" Another snap brought me out of the foggy haze that had become my mind.

You blinked and realised that you were right in front of the obnoxious guy that had been calling you over. How long had you been standing there? Too long, apparently. His expectant glare made you want to lollipop his throat with a metal straw. But that would be no good in a public place. You settled yourself and briefly, your gaze flickered over to the girl he had been chatting up. She looked really uncomfortable. You put on your best customer service smile and attempted to adopt a casual demeanour despite your growing rage.

"Sorry about that, sir. My mind's been everywhere lately. What can I get for you?"

"About fucking time," He rolled his eyes.

You grit your teeth tried to conceal the way your hands shook, just itching to wrap around his neck. This asshole probably disrespected workers all the time. Sure, you had zoned out, but that was no reason to be fucking rude about it. You concealed your growing wrath by busying yourself with inspecting the pair of them.

He was a blank, eggshell white like a sheet of paper, with downturned eyes and quaffed, dirty blonde hair shaved at the sides. The top few buttons on his clean-cut shirt were undone and his wristwatch looked very expensive with its intricate silver detailing. His tie was slack around his neck and his dress pants were very relaxed. He might've just gotten off work.

"Get me a whiskey on the rocks, and the lovely lady will have a vodka spritz," He looked at her, "Trust me. It's good. They do it good here."

You wanted to roll your eyes. If you guys did it so well then why the fuck was he being such a dickhead about it? You considered asking Ben to tell him to spit in this asshole's drink just as your eyes crossed over the redhead he had sat next to. Daphne looked as though she wanted to protest his order but simply resigned herself to her fate. You took pity on her. It wasn't her fault she was stuck with this douchebag.

"Maybe you should let her order for herself?" You suggested, in a friendly manner.

A pink blush spread across her French grey cheeks as you turned to her with a smile. She returned it, gratefully. This poor girl was too good for that asshole. He looked constipated with a belligerent look, as though he couldn't believe you had dismissed his word.

"What would you like?" You asked, gently.

"Just a coke, please. I don't want to get drunk or anything."

Ah. So coming here wasn't likely her decision then. The fact this guy was disrespecting the staff was red flag enough, but he was also trying to push alcohol on her? She needed to ditch this place ASAP.

"Oh, come on. The drink's on me," The guy insisted.

Fucking twat.

"It's fine. I'll just pay for myself..."

"I insist."

"It's really okay...!"

"One coke and a whiskey with ice in it," I declared, heading back towards the glasses lined up on the shelves.

What a prick. Someone needed to put him in his place. She said she didn't want alcohol, therefore she didn't want alcohol. A tap on your shoulder brought you out of your sour mood and behind you stood Ben with a quirked brow.

"I can take it from here, kid."

"That won't be necessary..."

You placed the glasses down further down the bar as Ben crowded to your shoulder. As considerate as he was trying to be, it also felt like he was coddling you a little. Just because you were younger and shorter than him didn't mean that you weren't a grown adult. You had handled your fair share of gross assholes in the past. He knew how capable you were.

You went to pour a coke-a-cola for the lady when Ben placed his large, calloused hand atop yours, to stop you. He swiftly removed the can from your hands. You wanted to knock him out for that. He shouldn't touch you if you didn't want him to. But the look on his face made you pause. Concern. Earnest concern.

He wasn't trying to be mean. He genuinely wanted to help, so you relaxed a little. There was no reason to be a jerk to him. Not really.

"Listen, he was clearly workin ya up. Let me do ya this favour, alright?" He offered, "In the meantime, you can fetch anotha passion fruit cider bottle from the back. Julius can really chug when he needs ta."

Julius was just some kid who dropped by every couple of months or so, usually, to celebrate the good grades he earned for his college major. You had never been to college so you didn't really know what that was like but you still respected Julius and enjoyed hearing his drunken ramblings about history and mythology.

"Alright..." You conceded before smirking a bit, "Is this because you don't wanna go see Lindsey?"

He smirked a bit and placed his hands on his hips.

"Always so observant, aren'tcha, Y/N?" His smugness faded for a moment, "It's not the only reason. I do wanna make life easy for ya. Plus, seein you mad would just be plain scary! Yer always so friendly!"

You laughed a bit. Your siblings always said you were infinitely more terrifying when you were mad. They were all quite familiar with your... condition. None of them ever knew where they came from, but you had your own theories. They never saw you get mad at them, but the day you beat the shit out of a bully was the day that Juniper learned to listen to you. He had listened before, of course. But he had quite the rebellious streak. You had been mildly angry at him a few times, mainly out of concern for him.

But when he saw you decimate that bitch behind the school (because how dare she touch your sister, how dare she even look at her- how dare she walk around like she owns the place, like she didn't do anything wrong. She didn't deserve to live, she didn't deserve to even breathe the same fucking air as your precious, lovely, gentle sister... when she did nothing wrong- she did nothing to deserve such disgusting treatment) he learned the true extent of your abilities. He learned to fear you. Something you'd never forgive yourself for. Juniper still loved and cared for you- he still trusted you- but things weren't the same as they were before.

That snappy attitude he'd have when he was late to walk home from school because he was hanging out with friends or getting into a fight? Gone. Just like that. Somehow, you got the feeling that he wasn't treading around eggshells for fear that you'd lash out at him, but rather that he genuinely respected your authority. As if you had proven yourself to him somehow.

Anyways, that wasn't so much of a big deal anymore. After all, things changed and so did he. Over time, he matured. You still got the feeling that he looked at you with reverence and a sort of pride, but his reasons for genuinely respecting you had changed, now.

He was the only one who had seen you get as angry as you had on that day. You hoped your other siblings never had to experience you at your worst like that. If you could help it, you would shelter them from that side of you forever.

"You've been avoiding her for the past week now-... I mean, more than usual," You clarified, "Did something happen?"

He seemed to hesitate- visibly hesitate. You hadn't ever seen him do that before. Ben was reckless and he was a gossipy southerner. If there was something you never thought you'd see, it was the day that Ben would shut his mouth. The fact that he was clamping up meant that something had happened and he was just nervous to tell you. 

"Ben?"

"Look, I- I'll tell ya about it later, okay?" If you didn't know any better, you'd say he was avoiding the topic, "Just go? Okay?"

He wedged the glass from your hand and continued pouring a coke. I sighed, relayed that the asshole wanted whiskey on the rocks in case he didn't know and then headed into the back.

The moment you stepped into the kitchen, an oppressive air seemed to swallow you whole. You knew exactly why the moment you heard her shrill, shrieking voice. Lindsey fucking Rodgers. The absolute worst. She was probably harassing the rest of the kitchen staff again. Running a hand through your hair, you once again found yourself wishing you were back home with your Amour.

"How was your sleepover?" You had asked upon Amar's return.

After a big hug and a warm welcome, she sat down in the dining area behind you ask you to clean up the dishes that had piled up in the sink over the weekend. You were trying to get in the habit of keeping the house clean on a constant basis out of the fear of your beloved coming over and one point or another. Imagining him coming in and seeing your house as messy as a pig's sty made your heart nearly stop in your chest. How embarrassing that would be...

"It was... something," Amar sighed.

She didn't sound so pleased. If they had done something to her, you'd—

You stopped yourself, watching a spiderweb of cracks run across the porcelain plate that you had been washing. You loosened your grip. You weren't opposed to decimating some kids... but you couldn't jump to conclusions. Amar hadn't even said anything yet. Inhaling deeply, you calmed yourself and carefully continued rubbing the soapy sponge along the plate.

"Oh no. That doesn't sound good..." You tried to play it casual.

You had gotten good at pretending.

"That's because it wasn't."

You were not above killing some kids. Those bitches hurt her. They made her feel bad. They neglected her, bullied her. Your eyes widened and you heard the thumping of your heart in your ears as the sides of your vision seemed to filter in with the darkness. Your eyesight grew blurry and your shoulders began to shudder with his hard your blood was pumping in your veins.

Unbridled rage. Pure and utter wrath. You reeled yourself in again, practising breathing in and then out at a measured pace to regain your composure. You couldn't do that. Not yet.

"I thought it would be fun but I just felt left out the whole time..." Amaryllis sounded so defeated.

She really thought she'd have a good time. She really believed those little crotch goblins cared about her in any way. A part of you wished you could shield her from that cruel part of the world. A part of you longed to protect her from the hurt and heartbreak of trashy friendships crumbling before her very eyes. But Amar was her own person and age had to learn these things on her own if she wanted independence.

The only thing you could offer to her was your open arms to run into when things would go wrong. Even if you tried to protect her, some pain would get through. And she didn't want you to stop her from seeing the world for everything it was: the good and the evil. If you tried, she'd hate you.

"They left you out the whole time...?" You paused again, placing the plate down on the drying rack and looking over your shoulder at your poor angel.

Amour looked nonchalant, but you could see a dreary sadness behind her eyes that dampened the spark in them. You had to look away and pretend to wash out another glass just to conceal the utterly vexed and murderously sociopathic expressions that twisted and contorted your expressions. You took a leisurely pace, gently washing the cup with a calculated calm.

"Well, not the whole time... just most of it," Amar toddled her thumbs as if that somehow made her complaints invalid, "They had these inside jokes from when they'd been hanging out without me... and then Kitty finished her bowl of Cocoa Pops so I ate the rest and they made fun of me for it, as she wanted it even though she said she finished. I don't know... I just felt isolated and like I was the butt of the joke the whole time."

Maybe other parents would've thought this was a trivial issue. But if it was bothering your Amar then you would be more than willing to slaughter the whole slumber party crew just for her. You placed the cup you were washing on the drying rack and slipped the rubber gloves on your hands off, before turning to your dear, beloved sister and enveloping her in a hug.

Dismissing her issues would be a crime. If the heavens ever gave its word, then your siblings were the ones who carried it. They were Paradise itself. Beings of true goodness. Hurting them simply wasn't a viable option to you. If you did that, you'd be hurting the very essence of good in the world. You wanted to protect them from harm, not cause it. You never wanted to be the reason they cried. You wanted to be the one they cried to when things got tough or bleak. You wanted to make it all better for them- to be that proverbial safe harbour in the storm of life

"Oh, hun... I'm so sorry..." She wilted in your arms and wrapped hers around you, "Some people are just... cruel like that."

A warm and fuzzy feeling settled in your chest. Against your warm clothes, she let out a sad sigh. It broke your heart to hear your kid sounding so depressed. Like she was on the verge of giving up trying to make friends at all.

Amar deserved the world. Those girls didn't deserve her. You wished that kids weren't so cruel. Maybe if they weren't, she would've been able to leave them behind fur another group. But you had been through high school and you knew things weren't so simple. Everyone had already formed their groups and nobody was keen on opening their gates to somebody else. If Amar left her current group, she would essentially be subject to social exile. No other friend groups would take her in. She'd be alone.

That wouldn't be so bad... that bad part of your mind swelled in again. The little critters skittering at the back. They were whispering in your ears, pouring their poison in the porches of your mind, you'd be there for her, wouldn't you? If she had nobody else then she'd only have you...

No. That was bad. You never wanted your Amar to be isolated like that. She'd just be unhappy and lonely. You'd be there for her, but it wouldn't be enough. She needs other friends, keeping her would be unhealthy for her. It wouldn't be good for her mental health. She wouldn't want you to be her only friend. Even if that's what you wanted.

"It wasn't that bad..." She breathed in your scent and you stroked her fluffy, short hair with your fingers.

"It made you feel bad, my dear. It's bad enough for me to be concerned."

"I didn't want to make you worry..."

"I care about you, my Amour. I always worry."

She pulled away and seemed to hesitate. She thought she was being a burden, the poor, gentle soul. Nobody deserved to feel like that, but especially not your dear, youngest sister. Gently, you took her hand in yours and squeezed.

"Come on, let's watch a movie or something together..."

"What about the dishes...?"

When you looked back at the bubbly, soapy sink, a bit of anxiety filtered in. If he was here, he'd probably think you were lazy for abandoning your chores. He'd probably think the place was disorganised, and that you were a slob...

But right now, Amar was your top priority. You loved her and she needed comfort. You could do the dishes later. You let go of her hand and pulled the rubber apron over your head before hanging it up and heading towards the doorway to the living room. The dishes could wait. Amar couldn't. She was a person and deserved your full, undivided attention and time. She needed that right now.

"They aren't going anywhere," You smirked, "I'll finish them later. Come on, my dear."

A bright smile slipped across her face and she nodded excitedly, hurrying passed you towards the living room and the couch. She voted herself over the back and plopped into the cushions. For a moment, your heart froze in your chest out of fear that she might hurt herself with that stunt. But she was just eager to get a movie on. You switched off the light in the kitchen and briefly let your eyes wander out the window.

Evening dawned on the horizon as the sun completely disappeared away. A dark shadow was cast over the world. Your beloved was waiting somewhere. Once Amar was asleep, you'd go search for your beloved and ensure his safety, too...

You passed on through the kitchen like a ghost moving across the halls. Just as you suspected, fucking Lindsey was going batshit crazy about something or another. You didn't dare involve yourself. You were on the job and it was unprofessional to get involved in drama. That didn't stop your hands from clenching as you headed into the room where they stored all the alcohol in the back (it was well ventilated and always chilly). You... forgot what the name of the room was since you rarely had to go back there. Hugging your arms around your body to preserve warmth, you watched goosebumps prickle up your bare arms.

You were familiar with the concept that the room would be cold, but since you only went back there once on a blue moon you always underestimated just how cold it would be. Without fail, you always came out shivering from it. Well, at least you weren't going into the dark, damp, creepy-ass wine cellar beneath the place... The Eden Bar was really old and passed down the manager's family for generations (which is how he got the role as manager despite how unprofessional he was and how he was the worst choice possible... fucking nepotism).

"Just shut the fuck up Gwen. You don't know what you're even talking about!"

"Yes, I do! It's you who's got no idea what you're on about! It's like you think you can just sit around and order everyone around! Get it together!" Gwen's accent rang beyond the heavy door as you made your way across the cold room.

"If you can't handle the heat-"

"Finn is sixteen years old! It's not his fault if he doesn't get everything right on the first try! I'm trying to train him! You're just being unhelpful!"

From the cider section, you recovered a couple of the passion fruit bottles Ben had requested and began your hasty return.

"He shouldn't have-"

"You made him cry Lindsey! It doesn't matter what you think he should've or shouldn't have done. You made him cry! Don't you feel any fucking remorse?? The kid's just doing his best and you've done nothing but bully him since he got here. He did nothing to you!"

You'd never heard Gwen so angry before. But if fucking Lindsey made the new trainee cry, then of course that'd grate on Gwen's temper. That was the thing you and Gwen had in common: you both liked looking after kids. Gwen had basically taken Finn under her wing. Lindsey was not so welcoming. You suspected it had something to do with the fact that she wasn't the centre of attention anymore. For some reason, she put extra pressure on the poor kid. He wasn't allowed to deal with alcohol, but he worked in catering with Gwen and had mostly a janitorial position.

He was a sweet kid. He sort of reminded you of Clematis if he wasn't always tired.

"We're supposed to be a team. Get your act together, Lindsey!"

"I am being a team player! It's not my fucking fault if he can't follow instructions-!"

You tuned them out for now. Hearing Lindsey try to justify making a kid cry made you want to punch something. You focused on navigating the cold room for the exit. It wasn't exactly a freezer though some bottles were kept in ice boxes. The place acted like more of the meat section in a superstore. Just cold enough to house specific things while on display.

You noticed the voices were closer now. Dread pooled in your stomach at the thought of being unable to avoid some kind of interaction with fucking Lindsey. The last time you went back there and had to talk to her you got out lucky and since the interaction was cut short for the most part and wasn't so bad as it could've been. You told Ben about it, as per his request. It was the day that you first found your beloved, so perhaps a week and a half ago. Or just about that time frame.

"The fuck are you doing back here?" She had hissed, venom in her tone.

"Dirty towel," You waved it in the air.

Lindsey fucking Rodgers glared daggers into you, looking as though she had just swallowed a lemon. Was she really about to give you shit over a fucking tea towel?

The answer was yes. Because with Lindsey, no issue was too big or small to complain about as long as she could do some weird power play over her fellow co-workers. Everyone hated her (except John who was a simp and thought he had a chance with her if he waited out her fixation on the manager... hah. The boy was fucking delusional).

"Okay?? And? Just leave it on the counter nearby or something. Get back out there!"

You tossed it in the apron basket nearby for washing and sent a pointed look her way.

"That's unsanitary. I was just making a pit stop-"

"You don't get paid to do 'pit stops'! You get paid to do your fucking job!" She yelled.

"Dude... this literally is part of my job."

"Don't be fucking smart with me, bitch. How about you go back to whoring yourself out to every person you can get your hands on since that's all you're fucking good at-!"

"What are you even talking about?" You questioned, exasperated.

"-I bet you're just dropping kids left, right, and centre! You're already failing one of them, why not make some more!?"

You froze up at that. In an instant your mind was blank and the corners of your vision became fuzzy with unadulterated rage. This bitch had just made a dig at the one thing she should've never even thought about commenting on: your siblings. While nobody really knew much about your family (aside from the fact you had at least one kid), you knew she was basically calling you a whore to get under your skin, but she made a mistake by prodding at the one subject you were most protective of.

And the hypocrisy of her words, too, made you want to grab the shotgun off the top of the bar and put a thick bullet into her skull, watching her blood and splinters of her bone splatter out of her head, grey brain matter piling up against the wall.

You took a step forward, vision blurring and shaking and shifting red behind your glasses. Trembling hands steady for a kill that would be so easy. You were both alone in the back. Your fingers were itching to wrap around her neck. To slam her into a wall and slash through her perfect fucking skin. To make her feel guilt and make her feel disgusting for all the shit she was causing for the manager's wife who did nothing to deserve this.

You wanted to kill her for even so much as brushing against the topic of your siblings. Of your kids. And you could do it, too. You were just inches away from ripping her arms off, pulling her apart limb from limb. Your eyes darted from her face to the knife rack not too far away. You didn't need it, but you had a feeling if you weren't holding something you'd lose yourself and make too much of a mess. This ignorant cunt deserved it, though. It would be so easy...

"Oh shit. I have a bag of milky ways!" You heard someone's voice approaching and saw her from the corner of your eye.

Gwen was fiddling with something in her pocket as she came out from beyond the corner into the kitchen. Her happy expression faded as soon as she saw the two of you but she immediately took up arms against Lindsey. Everyone hated Lindsey, so of course, she thought the tension between you both was down to her.

The anger washed off like soap, giving way to an overwhelming turbulence that raked through your body in a startling backtrack. Thrust from one emotion to another, the red in the corners of your vision gave way to clarity. Lindsey was giving you an almost worried look and she was slightly shrinking away. Oh, she wasn't worried for you... she was worried for herself. That made sense, the selfish cunt. Then again, in some ways, your barely concealed hatred of her had picked the fight in the first place.

That didn't mean she didn't deserve said fight. But this whole situation was your fault. You swore that no matter how annoyed and pissed off you were about the cheating thing, that you wouldn't get involved. It wasn't your place and you needed this job.

"Lindsey."

Gwen almost sounded like a parent when she said it- like she was reprimanding her. Lindsey stepped away from you and looked back towards the short-haired cook. Gwen gestured back towards the kitchen and fucking Lindsey glared towards you as if to say "this isn't over". Oh, but it was very much over.

You blinked and staggered back a few steps, trying to recollect a version of events to understand the gravity of what had just happened. Lindsey looked legitimately intimidated. You cleared your throat and brushed your shirt off.

Your fingers were trembling, you realised, from the understanding of what you could've done. Blood pumped loudly in your ears and you could hardly even hear what Lindsey and Gwen were bickering around again. You shoved your way passed the bitch of the hour and headed out to the front again without saying so much as a word edge-wise to either of them. You didn't want to get any more involved. You knew that if you did, you might've not been able to stop yourself from attacking. And that wouldn't do. You needed to keep your distance.

You couldn't kill her. Not with people around. It mildly disturbed you how willing you were to do it. She didn't even know she was triggering your parental instincts. She didn't even know you had any kids/siblings. Yet despite that, you still wanted to smash her femur with a rusty pipe, and then carve her fucking face out of her head with a scalpel.

Needless to say, with that being the last exchange the two of you had, you were about as keen as Ben was to avoid her. Unfortunately, since she was a literal bitch, she had other plans. You paused as you exited and gave Lindsey a once over to assess what the hell was going on between her and Gwen. Neither of them seemed to be happy campers.

"Fu- you know what? Fine!" Gwen threw her hands up in the air and stormed passed her, purposefully bumping her on the side.

It well and truly sucked knowing that if any of you were to report a hostile work environment because of Lindsey, your complaints would be utterly trashed. On the other hand, should Lindsey choose to swing her weight around and make a complaint of her own, the lot of you would get canned.

Gwen was sweet. She very rarely got angry, and she was like the friend you could always turn to if you needed a favour or someone to talk to. The only thing she wanted in return was the same treatment and mutual respect. Ciel had been dead-set on you, but she had privately admitted to you that she would go for Gwen if she came out of the kitchen more often. Gwen went to catering school, so making good food was basically hardwired into her.

If Lindsey had made her that angry, she must've done something really fucked up.

You tried to hide your glower as you headed towards the exit of the kitchen, but you could tell Lindsey saw your side-eyed glare since she pulled a malevolent grimace and stormed after you, immediately wrapping her well-manicured hand (like, wow, her hands were super pretty- she could be a hand model) around your arm, digging her fingernails into your skin. 

"The fuck do you think you're going?!"

You yelped in slight pain, nearly dropping the bottles on the ground and smashing them. You could almost picture grabbing Lindsey by the back of her head, a fistful of hair in your enclosed fist as you pulled her back and then forced her face straight into the shards scattered on the ground. You were starting to shake from the rage again. You had to calm down or else you really might act on these urges.

In a swift movement, you twisted your arm out of her grip by putting your force into her thumb, making her grip come undone. Then you put some distance between the two of you, glaring at her indignantly.

"Dude! What is your damage?!"

"My 'damage' is that you have the audacity to look at me like I've done something wrong when you don't know anything about the situation!"

You groaned inwardly. People like this always put appearances before anything else. You were tempted to just apologise and move on, but she'd probably take it as a personal victory against you. You were sick and tired of her throwing her weight around like she owned the place.

But you needed this job...

You grit your teeth and bore it, inhaling deeply and swallowing your pride. You had no other choice. You didn't want to be around this sad excuse for a human. Lindsey was attractive on the outside, that was for sure. Slender, golden eyes, plump, red-stained lips, a deep grey on her skin and ash brown, curly hair falling along her shoulders. The top buttons of her clean-cut shirt were undone, showing her cleavage. There was nothing wrong with that, except for the fact that you knew who it was for and it made you want to throw up everywhere.

"Sorry," You replied, shortly.

You began making your exit again, only for her to grab your arm and yank you back once more. This time, you nearly fell to the ground, but only just managed to catch yourself. Now you were pissed.

"No! You don't get to just walk away from this!"

"Don't touch me!" You pulled your arm away with more force than you should have, making her stumble forward a bit, "Look, this isn't some kind of break up, alright? We're at work. You can throw around your problem with me at any other time-" 

"I have a problem with you?! You've had a problem with me! Since day fucking one!"

"What??"

You played dumb because obviously you hated her because of what she had been doing, but how could she have known that? You knew why you hated Lindsey. It was pretty obvious why. She went against everything you stood for: she was an awful person who was willingly complicit in a cheating scandal. You hated cheating, so you hated Lindsey and her old-ass, ratty boy-toy. But why did she hate you? It's not like your opinion mattered, so why did she care? Why did it matter whether you hated her or not, according to her?

"Oh, don't play dumb with me, bitch. You thought you were being sneaky but I saw the way you looked at me with those shifty-ass eyes!"

She got right in your face at that, her nose nearly touching yours as she jabbed a finger into your ribcage with a growl to her tone. Her eyes glared into yours. It would've been so easy to swipe her legs out from under her and snap her neck on the ground. If you just grabbed her neck at the right trajectory, at the right speed. She'd hardly have time to scream before she was dead and limp under your twitching hand.

"Out with it then! Tell me what I've done so wrong since you're such a perfect angel."

You turned your face away, trying to keep your anger under control. You needed this job. There were other ways to deal with her. Violence wasn't the answer here.

"I don't know why my opinion matters so much to you."

"Don't even try that bullshit with me! You like to walk around like you own the fucking place, thinking that you don't answer to anybody! Now it's time to put your money where your mouth is. Go on then!"

"The fuck did you get that from?! I never said any of that! I never even implied-!"

"You didn't have to!"

"Well, you didn't have to go fucking a married man and you still did!" You snarled, finally having enough of this bitch.

You shoved her back lightly, and she easily caught herself. Her eyes were wide with disbelief as if she didn't think anyone else knew. As if it wasn't the most obvious thing in the world with all the lingering touches and heated stares. And the many times you walked by your manager's office and heard them. And the many rumours floating around because of it. It was an open secret. You weren't sure how she was so oblivious to it.

But she must've realised you were powerless to do or say anything because she had the look of a victor in her eyes. She folded her arms with a glare on her face.

"Oh, so that's it. You're jealous. I should've guessed."

You would've felt nothing putting a bullet through her skull in those moments. Who knew social interactions with toxic co-workers could be so draining? You could've insulted her. You could've ripped her to shreds. You could've clapped back hard. But what use would any of it be? You just wanted to go see your Sweetheart. You just wanted to be rid of her.

You didn't say anything for a while, but your bugged out, utterly repulsed expression should've been communication enough.

"What?"

"Don't play fucking dumb," She repeated her previous words over again, with a glare and a snarl to her tone.

To say you were disgusted at the very idea was an understatement. Jealous of her for being with the manager? There was a higher chance of you turning around and agreeing to have intercourse with Ciel that same second. You would rather have fucked a cactus than go anywhere near that gross, sweaty manager. He was like a cancerous tumour, spreading his influence everywhere. His very essence was malignant. Parasitic. Being in the same room as him made you want to bash your own brains out.

"If you actually believe that, then I don't know what to tell you," You replied, your face scrunched up like you had just smelled something foul.

Without saying a word, you turned your back and left.

The bar was like a breath of fresh air. The smell of alcohol seemed to drown out the absolutely repugnant conversation you had just had. Ben was eagerly chatting with the woman that looked like Daphne at the bar, and the man she had been sat next to was nowhere to be seen. Good riddance.

You sighed inwardly, rubbing your face and pushing your glasses on top of your head in the process. This had to be the absolute worst day. You had argued with Lindsey in the past but never like that. Never had you be stunned into silence because of her audacity. Never had you been rendered utterly speechless from her sheer delusion. There was only one place you wanted to be, and for a moment you couldn't help but be surprised that the first image that came to your mind wasn't of you tucking Amar into bed. Or the whole sibling covenant gathered together.

It was at his side, holding his hand, and gently wrapping your arms around his quiet, sleeping body. Peaceful in all ways. You wanted to be beside him, holding him in your arms. You wanted the comfort of his warmth and his glorious smell.

That settled it. Tonight was the night you would go inside. You had been hesitating each night to even touch the window out of fear even the slightest noise would wake him. But you really needed his comfort.

'That's fucking CREEP, Y/N. What is WRONG WITH YOU?!' It was creepy, and you scolded yourself for even thinking that it would just be okay and not morally reprehensible to clamber into someone's window and cuddle up next to them while they were dead asleep.

It almost disturbed you how easily the thought came. How you didn't even doubletake until you remembered that normal people didn't do that. Normal people didn't even consider it as an option. Normal people would've stopped visiting their beloved every night when they didn't know they were there. But at the same time, it was just too good to pass up. It was just too tempting to refuse.

Everything about him lured you in. From his glossy eyes to his sharpened teeth, to his strange fashion sense and smooth, silky skin. You wanted to hold his hand, to press kisses against his cheeks, to give him all the love and affection he could ever want.

That evening after Amar's sleepover, you watched the Lion King together. It was nice. She fell asleep on the couch in the dark, so you carefully lifted her into your arms and tucked her into bed. And after leaving a kiss on her forehead, you slipped off into the night for your investigation. An investigation that you thankfully wouldn't need to seek into anymore because you had found him.

For better or for worse, you had found him.

The days that you got to watch him had become your favourites. You had even started getting bolder and taking photos on your phone, though you quickly switched to the old Polaroid that V got you for your birthday a few years ago.

Before, you had been contemplating the memory stick that had all your phone-picked photos to print them off at a local library. But the idea of getting caught by someone was terrifying, to say the least. You had gotten good at lying, so no doubt you could play it off. But if you hesitated for even a second, or worse, if the person was like Lindsey fucking Rodgers and decided to make up a rumour about it then you would be fucked to high hell.

Lord knows that if your beloved went missing under mysterious circumstances and someone had remembered seeing the pictures you took of him—

No, no, NO!

You scolded yourself as you stopped before the Asshat at the bar who gave you a condescending look. Another problem that had arisen from your nightly hobby was the growth of these dark thoughts that infested every corner of your mind. Sure, you had thought about keeping your siblings home from being bullied at school or providing for them for the rest of their lives so they could rest easy, but never had these thoughts taken root so deeply in your passions before. Never had these thoughts been so alluring.

There was a fundamental difference between your blue-eyed stranger and your siblings. Somehow, you managed to see your siblings as separate entities who had their own lives and futures. But when you saw your Sweetheart staying at home to make videos and earn his pay, there was a displacement, or maybe, the perfect alignment of everything coming together just right. He never even had to leave. If he just fell in love with you the way you had with him, he could still pursue what made him happy while never having to leave your sight- never having to stray too far- never having to leave your room.

And if he wanted to drop his passions altogether, that couldn't possibly work out any better for you. He could stay nice and tightly bound like a bird in a cage. Your songbird, safe in your arms forevermore.

But these were dangerous thoughts, bordering on the very edge of insanity. You would not lose yourself to them. That's what you promised to Amaryllis the night she came back from her sleepover. You promised to her, even if she didn't know it that night, that you'd not let yourself fall too deeply into this cesspool of disgrace that you called a romance. You'd not allow yourself to leave her and your siblings behind.

But it would be so easy, wouldn't it? The voice in the back of your mind whispered, tempting you to the very brink, So easy to keep him safe and away from prying eyes... while having your siblings, too. Amour will be moving out one day, won't she? And when that happens, you could just as easily have your cake and eat it, too...

No. I can't do that. It's bad- it's EVIL. I won't be the reason he's in pain. I can't...

Don't you deserve happiness?

Stop.

Don't you deserve love?

JUST STOP IT!

. . .

"Well, someone looks like they came outta a war zone!" Ben chuckled, as you tried to regain your composure.

You felt guilty. Utterly and plainly guilty for even deciding to delve into these disturbing, twisted fantasies of yours. Yet you couldn't find it in you to regret. So much good for you had come out of it. You got to watch him every night sleep peacefully and feel safe in the comfort of his own home. It almost felt like you were protecting him in some way. In fact, that was your main motive (aside from enjoying being in his presence) for turning up at his window in the first place. The fact you wanted to shift the narrative- to make things about your own comfort and not his should've been the biggest ethical red flag you had ever fucking seen.

Yet you were okay with it. It hadn't even crossed your mind to be disturbed by the thought until way after you had originally thought it. You were going to break into his room tonight. You were going to touch his face with your hand and you were going to watch him sleep from within his bedroom.

You were going to do an Edward Cullen. You were going to show behaviour your own sister had been distressed by. And somehow, you were okay with that. You weren't in the least bit concerned about breaking his boundaries, only about getting caught. And even that brought a fresh wave of thrills tingling up your spine.

There was something wrong with you.

"That bad, huh?" Ben looked slightly amused, but also a little concerned.

"That bad," You repeated in agreement, "What happened to that guy that was with her?"

You gestured towards the girl who was enjoying her coke-a-cola and Ben laughed heartily.

"I kicked him out."

"The manager's not gonna be too happy."

"I won't tell if you don't," Ben smirked.

You shook your head, unable to contain the grin on your face. The guy would likely complain anyway. It didn't matter whether you said anything or whether Ben said anything. That guy would snitch on him regardless and Ben would be in major trouble. You just hoped he wouldn't get fired. You liked Ben, he made working at the bar fun.

"So... what happened with Lindsey?" He questioned, conspiratorially.

"I'll tell you if you tell me why you've been avoiding her like the plague," You bargained, folding your arms.

"Hey, that's not how this works. I asked first!"

He was clearly trying to avoid the topic all together, but you weren't about to let him off the hook that easily. You were curious. Undeniably so.

"You said you'd tell me earlier," You narrowed your eyes at him, playfully, "I'm not telling you anything until you speak first."

Ben bit his lip, clearly not expecting you to play that card. And he hesitated, but it seems as though his need to gossip overtook his own confidentiality because he begrudgingly leaned towards you with a nervous expression.

. . .

"We banged."

"WH-" You stammered but he slapped a hand over your mouth before you could yell it.

"Don't freak out!" He pleaded with you.

You stopped yourself, eyes wide in surprise. You hadn't been expecting that- that was for certain. It wasn't like there was anything wrong with Ben sleeping with who he wanted to, but it was almost completely unfathomable that anybody would choose to sleep with Lindsey. When he finally removed his hand from your mouth, you took a moment to organise your thoughts before speaking again.

"Didn't anyone ever tell you not to stick it in crazy, Ben??"

"It was a mistake!" He whined, quietly, "I was weak. She's really hot."

Lindsey was really hot. Even still, you couldn't understand the appeal. She was all looks and that was it. Lindsey was like a parasite sucking the joy out of life. She soured every event she was involved in and ruining people's moods was like a hobby to her. How she even had friends was beyond you. She was the worst.

So even if she was hot, why would Ben take the chance? Attractive or not, it didn't change the fact that she was a total emotional vampire. Just being in her presence made you feel completely drained of all sociability. Even Ciel said that she could tell something was up with her the moment she saw her.

"Look at the way she's got her chin tilted upwards," Luciel had pointed out, whispering to you as she leaned over the bar, "She's looking down on everyone. Literally."

"She's always like that..." You rolled your eyes but you were secretly impressed that Ciel had picked out her body language so easily.

"Something tells me she's a nightmare to work with," Your patron smirked, slyly.

You laughed, thoughtfully.

"You have no idea."

"Now she's threatening to tell Harold about it," He ran a hand through his hair.

He looked positively stressed. And why wouldn't he be? His situation was fucked to high hell. You weren't sure whether to pity him or not. You weren't even sure how best to support him. You only had experience with comforting kids and people who were your siblings. You weren't even sure where to begin when it came to other people. You weren't even sure how to comfort yourself let alone a grown man. You and Ben weren't close friends, but he was a good guy and he made working at the bar with your shitty manager a lot more fun and interesting.

This wasn't a good position for him to be in- or for anyone to be in for that matter. Harold was the manager: Harold Wilson. Even his name sounded gross. Just like the rest of his slimy, cretin self. Thank God he hardly paid you any mind. If Lindsey told the manager about her's and Ben's night of passion, no doubt about it, he'd be kicked to the curb or harassed until he chose to hand in his two weeks notice of his own accord.

"Isn't that classed as revenge porn...?"

"She didn't take pictures or nothin. But if she tells him, I'm pretty much gone anyways. It don't matter if there ain't no evidence. He worships the ground she fuckin well walks on. I'll get the boot faster than you can say 'workplace misconduct'..."

"Yikes..." You weren't sure what to say, "What's avoiding her gonna do?"

"I don't fuckin know but I do know I don't wanna be around her at all," That was fair, "Who knows what shit she's gonna make me do just to get her to keep this a secret!"

"You're scared she's gonna blackmail you?"

"That's basically what she said she'd do, yeah!" He sounded utterly defeated.

As fucked up as the situation was, you couldn't help but find it a little funny. Not a lot, you weren't that cruel. But a little bit.

That behaviour sounded typical of Lindsey, you weren't exactly sure how Ben hadn't seen it coming. It was a little amusing to think that his horniness had blinded him like that. Still, that didn't mean it was okay for her to do. There was no justification for Lindsey's actions.

What a horrible, horrible person.

"I don't know what to tell you, dude..." You shook your head, arms folded in disappointment, "You should've thought about it before the fact."

"That don't mean I deserve ta get fired for it!"

"That's true," You agreed, thoughtfully, "You don't deserve to be victimised for decisions you've made outside of work that pertain to your personal life. As far as I see it, mistakes are being made all around."

Ben sighed but seemed to somewhat concede to your reasoning.

"Ain't nothin for it, man. I fucked up..."

You genuinely weren't sure what to say to him. After all, you'd never been in his position before but you felt empathy for him. If you could do something for his position in the future, you'd definitely seek out avenues to do so. You didn't believe Ben deserved to be treated like that. He was a hard-working and very friendly guy. Sure, he made some mistakes here and there but who didn't? And though you personally could never imagine having intercourse with Lindsey (no matter how hot she was), you supposed that you could see Ben's perspective... sort of...

Okay, not at all. But you still sympathised with him. You wished Lindsey was a little nicer and less keen to blackmail people and use her position of power to endanger others. You also wished that she and Harold weren't complicit in a cheating scandal... you also wished that you weren't wedged into her strange drama.

Maybe things would be better tomorrow.

A warm, fuzzy feeling settled in your chest in remembrance of what your resolve had come to earlier. Tonight was the night you were going into his room. You had been deliberating on the topic a few nights after you started observing him in his sleep. Perhaps you were rushing the process, but you knew- you just knew- that if you didn't take the opportunity sooner rather than later, then you'd never work up enough courage to advance like that again.

So, tonight had to be the night you went into his apartment.

When did you get so eager? A dark remembrance crept into the back of your mind, scuttling into your thoughts like a parasite. It was a good question. Not long ago, you had been reprimanding yourself for following him home. Not long ago, you had been angry with yourself for watching him through his window. Now you were all rainbows and sunshine about climbing into his room when he was asleep.

You reasoned with yourself that your intentions weren't nefarious in any way. You had no intention of hurting him, you certainly had no intentions of touching him inappropriately in his sleep. Even as a degenerate, you understood boundaries and you knew that if you were in his position, you wouldn't want that.

Somehow, the more time you spent feeding the beast inside, the less it felt like you were doing something totally immoral and the more it felt like you were just doing the right thing. You were looking after the ones you loved. Wasn't that the very essence of love itself?

. . .

That was what you told yourself when you left work that evening. Amar had sent you a message telling you that she got home from a group project meet up for her drama class earlier and that she had some dinner at the McDonalds nearby. You wished her a good sleep. Usually, you would be keen to get home as soon as possible, but today was different, as most days had been the regular exception to your need to check in on your sister's sleeping form.

You trusted her enough to know she wasn't lying about where she was. Right now, you just needed some specific company from a specific someone. In the dead of night, you kneeled on the wall, gazing through his window as you had found yourself doing routinely. It had been a few hours since you had arrived and he was just finishing up a recording session. From what you could gather, his daily work was steeped in product testing. He would record his reviews of it and then the next day he'd edit it.

You had tailed him once during the day as inconspicuously as possible and even then you somehow managed to lose him in the crowd (which was strange since he was a very recognisable person so he should've stood out...). You had plans to do that the next morning as long as you were quick-witted waking up Amar and sending her off to school on her own. Speed wasn't an issue in that regard. After memorising many routes to get to and from this specific apartment, it was mainly about not looking suspicious and staying out of sight from others.

You had the whole night to think up an excuse as to why you couldn't walk your dear to school. For those moments, all there was in the world was him and you, gazing at him longingly through the window as he turned out the lights. But no matter how much sleep he got, there were always bags under his eyes. Likely because he waited until around 2a.m to actually sleep, but you had a feeling the majority of his sleeps were restless, too.

You wished that you could just go in there and take away his pain. He always looked so sad, frowning as he stared down at his bed for a few moments. Then, he let out a depressed sigh and flopped down onto it. The room was dark, but you could see fine with the light shifting in through the window. Your eyes gazed at his quiet form as his breaths slowly quietened and slowed.

You waited and watched him as normal. Seeing him so at peace, feeling nothing at all, made you calm, too. He was safe. He was safe and sound. And you could see him, so you could protect him. The thought made you giddy inside. He was okay. And as long as he was okay, so were you.

Your mind shifted back to Amaryllis for a moment. Your sister, who you never failed to care for and be there for. Who you always tucked into bed or sat around with. Who you laughed and joked with and cooked food with. She and Garrett were essentially your only family in the area and it broke your heart. You wanted to cherish the moments you got to spend with them while they were still young. While you still had them and while they were still yours. You should've been with them right at that moment. You should've been at home, petting Garrett in your lap while Amaryllis slept peacefully just down the hall. You should've been there to press a gentle kiss on her forehead and brush her tresses of H/C hair out of her peaceful face. But you weren't there. You were here, creeping on your favourite boy (aside from your brothers and cat).

But even still... this new stranger who you were fixated on was just as important as them. The thought made your stomach twist in anxious and flustered knots. It was true. You never thought you'd grow to care for anyone like this aside from your family. But your urge to protect him was the same deep-seated, feral ferocity that urged you to protect your siblings. The same one that you knew was not normal. Shit, what about any of this was normal, anyway?

Everyone else got to have their normal romance. Ciel and Ben had their own versions of what was normal. You wanted a normal romance, too. But you didn't even know how to approach that sort of normal with primal urges such as these to keep him all to yourself. Such selfish thoughts you were used to pushing aside were overpowering, at war with you and your instinct to put them aside.

If it was any other person, maybe you could have. Maybe you could've decided that even if you liked Ciel a lot, she was not worth dividing the attention you gave to your siblings. Amar didn't really like Ciel from what you had said about her. You hadn't been talking trash or anything or twisting the story to make Ciel look back. But Amar thought she was being pushy to you and urged you to push back if you were uncomfortable. You agreed to do so. If you ever liked Ciel romantically, you would have put that aside because Amar didn't like her.

But this was him. What would you do if your siblings didn't like him? Your manager was able to have both his wife and his mistress, Lindsey fucking Rodgers. Why couldn't you have both as well? The love of your siblings, the love of your beloved... didn't you deserve it more than Harold deserve it? He was literally CHEATING on his wife- the thought made your blood boil in your veins- and you weren't even doing something as disgusting, as revolting, as utterly despicable as that.

If your siblings didn't like him... if he didn't like your siblings... it hurt that you didn't want to give them any choice. It sucked that you found yourself more willing to take from either side- when you had devoted your whole life to giving to them, instead- rather than let one go. Couldn't you just be selfish? Just this once... you never asked for much. Just this one thing and you'd never ask for anything ever again.

'Please don't make me take from them...'

You would never put anyone over your siblings. You should never put yourself above them, either. It stung to realise that deep down, all along you were more willing to sacrifice their own comfort than you thought. You truly believed that you'd never choose anyone over them. You never thought you'd see the day where you even considered the idea. For so long, you were existing only on the happiness that their smiling faces brought you. You were just a lonely stranger in a world just big enough for the eight of you. You, yourself, were only quantifiable by their existence in this world. And no matter how far away from you they walked, you had faith that you'd always light up the road they needed to take to get back home to you.

Without them, you were nothing. And now that another factor had come into play, this very fact was becoming harder to notion. Suddenly, there was someone you barely knew that seemed to have wormed his way into your perfect world, brightening it with every passing second that he breathed the same oxygen as you. How did you deserve this man? You didn't. You didn't even know what his favourite colour was. You didn't even know what his name was. And yet somehow, he had become the most important person outside of your family to you- the centre of your world, the only person you cared to pick out of a crowd that wasn't your beloved siblings. By pure luck of the draw.

You weren't sure how this fixation even came to be... how this... obsession festered itself within you... just how long had you been this fucked up? How long had you been willing to go to these lengths without even realising it? And worst of all, how many people were you willing to hurt to get what you wanted?

Could you even call this 'love'? This was more like some sick, twisted infatuation. You knew nothing about this man. Not his flaws or his favourite things. Not his name or his personality. You just knew that he liked cats and that he thought you were cute. And that was enough? That was enough to justify sneaking into his room at 3 a.m? That was enough to justify watching him through his window for the passed one or two weeks?

Just because you wanted to hold his hand and hug your arms around him didn't mean that you were suddenly in love.

You closed your eyes with a gentle sigh. Your thick glove pressing between the glass of the window pain and your tender skin. Slowly, it descended, lowering to the windowsill as your fingers hooked under the bottom of the window. You bit your lip, your heart racing adamantly within the daunting confines of your chest. It was unnerving just how much you wanted to do this- just how much you were willing to risk for just a taste. This man was a complex human, with opinions, characteristics and a million words in his mind that you might never get to hear.

Yet here you were, eager to slip inside his room at the dead of night.

If he knew, he would be terrified. If he knew, he would be disgusted. If he knew... he'd completely hate you. You didn't want him to hate you... he didn't have to know, sure. But if he woke up at the wrong time...

Anxiety spiked up your back like sharp knives digging into flesh. It was as painfully terrifying as it was excitingly enticing. He was enticing. Everything about him drew you in. Especially those stark, murky eyes of his that reminded you of lakes and oceans of calm. But you were hardly calm right then and there. Your fingers were twitching to get in. You were holding your breath and maybe even drooling (you couldn't quite tell if it was one or the other or even both). You hesitated. Was it worth it?

Yes yes yes yes

Yes. Against all odds, you knew it was worth it. To hold him, to bask in his presence up close. You had waited too long, though perhaps a part of your mind would argue you were rushing the process instead. Your whole body vibrated with excitement. The wind even seemed to chill colder to prick goosebumps on your arms, making his room, his bed, his body seem even warmer and more inviting than before.

Your breath caught in your lungs as your fingers slipped under the window hold. You inhaled deeply in an attempt to push back against the giggles bubbling in your throat. You were so ready. You were prepared, too. You had plenty of backup plans, the backpack perched on your shoulders filled with the necessary equipment in case of any unforeseen surprises. 3a.m. The witching hour. And the time to take action. With a shaky exhale you pulled it upwards and inwardly tutted at your beloved.

It was like opening up a portal to another realm. Your heart caught in your throat seeing his limp, quiet form as he lay swaddled in blankets. You gazed at him, blood pounding in your ears, sat on the window sill, eyes wide with a mix of terror and enamourment.

He was... so beautiful.

Even more so when you weren't cock-blocked by a musty old window. You could almost smell him from there. A tinge of cigarette smoke, rough and silver. You could almost see him smoking. It was kind of hot? But also not. Addiction was an awful thing. You hoped he wouldn't die early from it. It made you concerned for his health. But alongside it was something else. Musky and cool. You couldn't quite place it exactly, but it was very attractive. Almost ambrosial in the way it dragged you in. Slightly tangy with a hint of sweetness to it, deep and delectable like chocolate but something else. Something non-descript that didn't quite match any one food or item. It was definitely a male's cologne, though. Then, there was that clean, soapy smell that you recalled Chrys really liking.

Sometimes, after you'd wash your hands, she'd grab onto them and press her nose against your palm, smelling hard. Unlike her twin brothers, you didn't mind so much. After all, you had similar habits sometimes. Cosmos was physically combatant, swatting her away. Clematis mostly shrank back and growled at her, calling her a creep or weird.

There was something about his scent that was magnetic. It drew you in, beckoning you to try more. Underneath all of it, there was something else- something distinctly him that you couldn't quite place, underlining it all. Overall, it was the most amazing thing you'd ever had the pleasure of experiencing in your life. He was the most amazing thing you'd ever experienced in your life. All of him was so perfect, so immaculate, so beautiful...

Either way, being in his presence was overwhelmingly pleasant. You had to ground yourself again before you got too ahead of yourself because every instinct within you was begging you to jump on top of him and give him the warmest, snuggliest hug you'd ever given in your whole life. You wanted to give him all of you. But he didn't want all of you just yet. You had to contain yourself. Patience was a virtue.

What an honour to stare at him like this in person. Utter reverence to him, ad though he were a God. You hoped he knew that he was important. Even if he didn't know just how important he was to you. In that moment, the rest of the world became utterly negligible. Transient. The only things that existed in the universe- that mattered, truly- were you and him. Him and his deep grey skin, his tender smile, his warm hands that looked so wonderful to hold in yours and intertwine your fingers with. Those afterglow, twilight-like eyes that held enigmas beyond your comprehension.

You wanted to know everything about him. You needed to know everything about him. It was like it was your life's purpose. The very essence of existence. The very marrow in your bones made of the need to know him. To be the only one to truly know, have and keep him. For yourself. So that nobody else could have him. Your Sweetheart. They say swans mate for life. Then slap some feathers on you and sentence you to the forever consequence of having him by your side. You'd gladly take it, and so much more.

The room was expansive to the tiniest degree. And worst of all, the window opened with little give. That might've been the adrenaline making it infinitely easier. However, regardless his window was completely open. Imagining some creep clambering into his room while he slept so peacefully made you sick to your stomach. He needed to be more careful, poor thing. Your eyes, already lightly blurred from before, seemed to view even your own hand as a fuzzy drawing. That's how you knew it was time to calm it down again.

In the darkness of the room, the only light was tinged orange until you pulled your goggles down around your neck and a soft, pink light illuminated the bleary room ever so slightly. Like a wisping spirit drifting away into the shadow. But it was steadily getting brighter. You pushed your glasses up onto your head, the room clearing up as your glasses were out of your face. You could see the sharpened borders between each item and you could pick out distinct details on the walls. It was a little jarring, to be clear.

Placing a hand on your chest, you clutched the hoodie hugging around you and took deep breaths. One in, one out, one in, one out. If you got too excited you'd wake him up. He had the eyes of someone who slept far too lightly for a stalker's liking. When the world started to lose its clarity, you finally pushed your glasses back onto your face.

The cold breeze of the outdoors shifted passed you, brushing against his youthful face. You didn't want to make him cold. Biting the inside of your cheek, you deftly crossed the threshold. Your feet silently hit the carpet as slipped into the room, and then gently closed the window behind you.

Then, you were alone with him. A dream come true. You had him all to yourself for the next few hours. A quiet, dreamy sigh left your mouth as you fantasised about all the things you could do. But first, before anything, you had to secure his apartment. Who knew what sort of weak spots this place had? Where others could get in or watch him from...

With feverish caution, you examined his tiny, dull apartment. There was hardly enough space for your poor beloved to live. His living room was still packed up, with boxes piled along the walls. You got the idea that he had either just moved in or was planning to pack up and move again soon. The thought made your blood boil. If he left... no, you couldn't lose him again. You'd have to keep a closer eye on him than you thought. Maybe you'd have to find a way to intergrade yourself into his life sooner than you originally thought. You had accumulated some sick days, maybe you could take a couple off and just watch him the whole time. Amar would be none the wiser.

There was also a tank where you noticed... ah! A snake! Aw! How cute! You couldn't quite recall the exact species... you were just glad they weren't awake and stalking you with an icy glare. It made things a lot easier and guilt-free on your part. Still, how wonderful. He had a pet of his own. You couldn't wait to be with him and meet said snake more formally. You were getting ahead of yourself, though. Better reel it in and focus on the task at hand.

His kitchen was unpacked in comparison to his main room. Perhaps he wasn't leaving? You saw him mostly eat in his room while editing and you noticed he didn't tend to splurge on food. He ate like a broke college student. Mostly instant ramen or leftover take out. Maybe you could think about cooking something for him. You wondered if he could cook but chose not to due to his budget. If not, then you had to scratch the idea of him cooking for you and the family from your fantasies. But hey, maybe you could cook together? You weren't the best in the business or anything, but you could learn and help guide him along.

You were pretty sure you had the hand-me-down cookbook your dad kept from your great-grandma or something. It had been locked up in the attic when you were a child, and whenever you were bored, you and the others would go up there. There were old paintings that you'd make stories up about for the entertainment of the kids and there were several books that you'd read to them.

The cookbook was the only one you kept since it was the most practical. If you had known V liked the stories so much you would've kept that, too. Maybe those things were still in the attic? You could try and break in at some point after paying another visit one day...? You shrugged the idea off and saved it for a rainy day. Rather, you focused on the bathroom and checked his stuff in there. He was very stocked up on bleach, so good to know he liked to keep his home clean. When he came home with you, you could trust he'd pull his weight (not that you wouldn't mind taking care of everything, but a clean person was infinitely more attractive than a slob!).

There were some pain killers like ibuprofen or advil or Tylenol. Some melatonin as well (poor thing... you hoped he got a good night's sleep soon...) and some liquid chloroform. Looks like you guys matched! Instinctively, you checked your jacket's pocket to see if it was still there. Good. It wasn't like you were planning to use it. It was just for the worst-case scenario.

One lounge area tied into a kitchen, one bedroom, one bathroom. You checked the windows in each room respectively as you left. The one in the bathroom was high up and narrow, but you could probably still squeeze through. The lock was broken on it, similar to the broken lock in your beloved's room. The one in the kitchen was locked up tight. Not a very secure place, you noticed. His fridge was virtually empty aside from some cans of beer and Dr Pepper, as well as some leftovers. His cupboards had some miscellaneous things in them. In one of the drawers, you found a bunch of rope. In another, you found duct tape.

At least you had other avenues to go should things go sideways. Sadly, you didn't check things in depth because you felt as though you were already overstaying your welcome.

You cautiously returned to your beloved's room. You found he had turned over to face the door on his side when he was asleep. You had heard him shift but you hadn't realised he had turned that way. Facing you. Eyes closed. Face still. Body still. Your body stilled in turn. Your skeleton basically leapt out of your skin. You thought, for a moment- just a moment- that he was awake. A chill went down your spine. In one moment, your vision blurred. All was silent. All thoughts stopped. Your heart stopped. Your whole body stopped.

Was he?

.

.

.

What if he was? You cautiously stepped forward, making no sound. Your adrenaline was running and you were hyperaware of him, of the room, of everything that could go wrong. You gulped quietly and watched him for a few moments. His steady breathing, his quiet calm... he seemed so tranquil, so at peace with the world.

You reached forward, ever so carefully. Your hand froze mere inches away from his face. You hesitated, expecting his eyes to swing open and for him to move to grab or bite your hand. But no such movement came. You bridged the gap and gently pressed your thickly gloved hand against his cheek in the most tender way you could. Your heart swelled as he leaned into your touch and let out a gentle sigh. Your gaze softened.

'Oh, my sweetheart...' You smiled softly and gently caressed the apple of his cheek with your thumb.

From deep with him you heard a rumbling, and for a moment you thought he might be hungry, or even growling at you. Your heart locked up in an instant, your hand ending its movements. Slowly, your other inched towards your jacket pocket. You could've very easily used the cloth of your jacket to douse him out, holding him down while forcing him into his bed. He wouldn't have been able to fight you off. It might've even caught him by surprise. You waited, at total war with yourself. Your goggles weren't on, so he might've recognised you by your eyes and the small tresses of hair that escaped the hood pulled onto your head.

You waited for him to make a move, hand still and your whole body, frozen like ice. But then you noticed him shift against your hand, unbothered. Still totally calm. As if he was actually asleep. If you didn't know any better, you'd think he hadn't woken up at all...

Carefully, you advanced a step closer and gently rubbed your gloved thumb against his cheek again and felt the vibrations echo out of him. Wait, hang on... you recognised this. Garrett would act in a similar manner- was he- was your beloved purring...?

He was. He was really purring. Just for you. It was almost as though his body already knew that he belonged to you even if his mind did not. Yet. Your heart soared and you placed a hand against your chest to ground it.

A giddy smile brushed your cheeks as you gently stroked his relaxed body and listened to the sound resonate within him. You had never met anybody who could purr before, except Garrett. You hoped that he and Amar were doing well at home. You wondered if your darling even knew he could do that? He probably did, but just how many other people knew about this side of him? Was it only you and him? You smirked, brightly. Just you and him... that sounded nice. And knowing something that nobody else knew about him also sounded nice.

You smiled as your fingers gently ran along his jaw and he let out a gentle sigh. He was utterly content. Somehow, he seemed to become placid under your touch, like his whole body reacted to your presence and totally relaxed under your hands. You watched his shift a bit, which made you lock up until he turned his head to show more of his face to you unintentionally. You resisted the urge to go "awww".

Carefully taking this as your cue, you got up and walked around the other side of the bed. With gentle grace and care, you lowered yourself onto the mattress. He remained docile. Your tendons seemed to tighten with anticipation as you cautiously pulled your legs up and turned over, shifting up to his back. Your whole body shuddered the moment you could smell him again. His scent was all over the room, but it had never been so powerful as when your nose was hovering right nearby his skin.

With careful deliberation, your arm placed itself along his middle and you pulled yourself closer until his scent was completely surrounding you. You were almost incapacitated by it. God, he was so fucking amazing. Everything about him was perfect to the nth degree. You couldn't hold back this time, you pulled down your mouthguard with your free hand and pressed a feather-light kiss against the back of his neck. A shiver went up to his spine and racked his body as he sunk into you.

After discarding your glasses just behind you, you nuzzled your face into his shoulder blade, letting his immensely delightful aroma roll over your senses into an almost euphoric state. Like a steep mist caressing the horizon, or a fire licking the valleys of daisies, or the ocean sweeping over the sandy shores of some far off beach. You could almost imagine a picturesque scene of him and you cuddling up next to each other. You sighed into him and ran your hands along his waist, the purring never ceasing to amaze you. He must've been pretty deep in sleep if he hadn't awoken due to your touch.

You weren't complaining. Though you would've loved to hear that gorgeous voice of his address you again or whisper sweet nothings into your ear, you had a feeling he would be doing neither of those things if he awoke to you as an uninvited guest in his bed. But that thought wasn't even on your mind. Instead, you honed in on that gorgeous sunrise settling on the horizon as his warm arm held you closer to him while you stood on the edge of a cliff face, watching the clouds roll by over a golden orange and red-tinted horizon.

For a moment, you wondered if that red symbolised your love... or the blood you'd shed to secure your place beside him.

You were too relaxed in those moments to be startled or horrified by the unfortunate truth. The truth that had been with you all along. From when you were a child to this very moment, holding your boyfriend close, breathing in his aroma and fantasising about the endless possibilities that your future with him held. The truth that ending a life had never scared you. You always had the capacity to kill. You were ready to. And you were certain that you could do it if you needed to. Human life was so fragile. So easy to end. Like candlelights flickering in the darkness, and then just like that... they were out. 

The only people you cared to let live were your siblings and your beloved. And if anybody threatened that, you were not afraid to kill them. You didn't care who's families would be hurt by their deaths or their friends who would mourn them in their absence. They were all irrelevant. And if they posed a threat, they deserved it. A suitable punishment in punishing those who cared about them. 

"I love you..." You whispered.

All that mattered to you was him. And you let that thought carry you into a blissful tranquillity.

He awoke that morning feeling the most well-rested that he had ever felt in a long time. It was strange. He had gone to sleep at around 2a.m and woken up at 6 and should've been operating on only four hours of sleep. Yet he felt rejuvenated and refreshed more than he had ever felt before. The ghost of a presence seemed to linger at his side but when he looked, you were nowhere to be found.

He had the most amazing dream that night. He dreamt that his darling was wrapped up in his arms, warm and safe in his presence, a soft smile on their face as he cradled them- you. He dreamed about your arms holding his waist and pulling you in closer with a teasing giggle and warm, inviting eyes. Pools of E/C that he could get utterly lost in. 

It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair that you were gone and he was still there, in his apartment. Alone. He wondered if when you inevitably found each other one day, would you even recognise him? Would you remember the moment you shared? Would you even care?

A sad sigh left his throat as he began to get ready for the day. Almost all of his clothes relating to the top half of his body had that split heart of black and white. Like the yin yang. He thought it was fitting and almost a warning to anybody who might get too close. His blue sweater was dirty and sweaty from all the times he had been running in it, searching frantically for his soulmate. Wherever you might be...

Carelessly, he tossed it in the laundry basket where all his other stuff went. What he didn't notice was how his laundry basket would be just that little bit lighter when he picked it up again.

You were very careful to take something from the bottom. Something plausible that he might've missed in the washing machine or lost somewhere. Or even something he might've forgotten he had all together so that he would never notice it was gone in the first place. 

He glanced back towards his bed, a sad, weak smile playing across his lips. He had really been hoping that when he opened his eyes, his dream would be a reality and that you would somehow be there. But you didn't even remember him and he still had to find you. After he had done his job, he'd set out and hope to find you in the local area again.

You would meet again one day. You just had to meet him again. It was destiny. The very threads of time and space tied you both together. There was no way you'd never see each other again. You were soulmates. You belonged to him. And he belonged to you. That was how it was meant to be. Neither of you had a choice in the matter. But if he had a choice, he did not want to take the chance of missing the opportunity to see you again, even accidentally, by staying inside and sulking about all day.

The high from first finding you was wearing off, and now the world around him shifted back to grey. He needed to get to you again so he could make sure you were safe. So he could love you in all of his entirety. The world was a warped monochrome without you. Nothing was worth anything if you weren't there. You were the very ichor of love. The one who put colour in the sky, who gave him reason to live. He was made for you. Every inch of every part of his body was made completely and entirely for you. And without you, the very stitches of his existence that tied him to this mortal coil came undone, and he unravelled, collapsing in on himself.

He brushed some tears away, back to the window as his shadow cast along the wall. There were so many ugly things he could do to himself and others weren't you weren't there. And just thinking about the deranged shit he wanted to do to anyone that had laid a hand on you in his absence- anybody who made you cry, made you laugh, made you smile... anybody that thought that they could 'love' you in his absence... he'd make sure they'd all disappear until it was only you and him. All for you.

You wouldn't be up just yet. Surely not. It was very early on a Friday morning. He could spend his time reacting to a new product (which would likely be a hunk of junk) and then he'd go out looking for you again like usual. And today just had to be the day he'd find you. After all, he woke up so at peace. That just had to be a good omen, right?

Setting up his camera once more, he didn't notice the orange goggled eyes peeking at him through the window, or the cat-eared hood, stark black against the cerulean blue sky. It was early morning, the blue-tinted a slight green colour from the rising sun shifting a yellow tinge over the opaque ocean that lingered above.

You sighed in adoration. You were satiated. For now. But what happened when the maw inside of you demanded more? Would this ever be enough?

'No,' And this time, you were a little scared when the thought permeated you down to your very bones, 'It will never be enough. Not until he's all mine.'

Chapter Text

Getting to and from your house back to the apartment wasn't so difficult. You took back alleys and a speedy journey out of the downtown district into the residential area where your terrace house resided. You found that The Eden Bar in which you worked wasn't so far from his place. It was almost frustrating how close he had been to you the whole time you had been searching for him, and you might've been annoyed if you weren't still riding the high from that night. A dopey grin found its way across your face and you couldn't help humming yourself some sappy tune as you arrived at the wall just outside your kitchen.

Your house was organised into two floors with three bedrooms. The kitchen jutted out from the first floor of the house taking shape as a rectangular room with a slanted rooftop, and above it was your room and a window that used to be bolted closed to stop kids from climbing out onto it. You unbolted it with little issue. People could say what they wanted about the local council, they were only doing the bare minimum. Amar could still fit through the small rectangular window on the top when she was younger and smaller. You had gotten so stressed and terrified every time you found her and Chrys up there against all odds.

There was no point in bolting the window closed if they could get through. Besides, you were too big to fit through there, now, so there was no way for you to quickly reach them should they had fallen up. One time, you found V trying to fit through, but they had gained a bit of weight at the time and got stuck, spraining their ankle in the process of you extracting them from the tight squeeze. You figured it was easier to just have the bigger window undone if they were going to insist on going up there. That way you could reach them easier- that way they wouldn't hurt themselves.

Amar wasn't up there at this time, she was in her room sleeping. She usually slept through her alarms, so it would be best to filter in and wake her up so she wasn't late for school. With a yawn and a stretch of your arms above your head, it was easy to scale the house and clamber into your room, pulling off your hoodie, goggles, gloves and mouthguard. You left them scrambled in your bed. Your backpack was placed carefully to the side. You had precious cargo in there that you couldn't risk getting damaged.

Your first move was to call in sick for the day. Your phone powered on and you quickly pulled out of the galleries app. Your heart seemed to be swarmed with an unsettling heat and the unsteady beating against your ribcage, like a newborn fauna taking its first walk. Your greyscale cheeks, in turn, warmed in remembrance of that night.

You had many fond memories- many special memories that you held dearly and close to your heart. But none quite like that night. It was beautiful and resplendent. You wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

What a privilege to be able to hold him, feel him, touch him. It was the most amazing sensation you had ever encountered and it jolted you right through your heart down to your core setting off some kind of nervous response that made you jittery and excited. He was the one, he had to be the one. You had never felt this way about anybody else before. You had never felt these fireworks going off in your fingertips as you traced his face with your bare hand (you had been so desperate for skin to skin contact you had practically ripped the glove off with your teeth). You had never felt sparks igniting your heart the way they did when he turned over to face you, his breath fanning over your face and eyelashes gently kissing his cheeks as they fluttered in his sleep.

Every breath he took, every second he spared, every movement he made seemed to wash right through you in the way that kind words from a stranger- so genuine and sweet- wash right over someone and make their day. You wanted to make him feel the way that he made you feel. Like the happiest person that there could possibly be. Like there was some unknown force tying you together, making you unable to stay away from him.

Nothing could ever replace that night. For the briefest moment, you imagined yourselves to be two kindred spirits lost in the wilderness, wandering in search of their purposes only to find each other and realise that they were bound by fate to devote their lives to one another. You never believed in Soulmates, but if you had to spend the rest of your life with anyone, there was no question about it, you'd choose him every time. You needed to feel him again- to touch him again. That evening had awoken something in you. Above all else, you needed him. You had to have him. And you wouldn't let anybody get in your way.

Morals be damned, lives be ruined. None of it fucking mattered if you couldn't have him, anyways. You resolved that you were willing to go all the way to keep him close.

You hoped he was at least a little more relaxed this morning. He seemed happier this morning- a stark improvement from last night where he seemed utterly and completely defeated. You hoped that it had been in part due to your influence, but if he was just happy for no reason that would be okay, too. It made you happy to have helped him in some way. As long as he had that warm smile on his face, you didn't mind what was making him feel that way. Just as long as he was happy.

Unless it was some  bitch  trying to steal him away from you.

You paused at the thought, pressing the phone to your ear. The thought had crossed your mind more than once that evening. As you basked in the glory of holding him close, you wondered what exactly yous do if you looked through the window and saw someone else in your place. Enjoying the sensation of holding him. And you had to pull your hand away from him to stop yourself from digging your nails into his skin.

You didn't want to hurt him. You never wanted to be the reason he was in pain. And that applied to the hypothetical partner he might've had. No doubt, you'd find some way to break them up. But if you did that through bloodshed or through any other means, there was no question about whether or not it would hurt him. He'd be devastated. He'd be hurt.

But it would be for the greater good, and you'd take that pain away from him with your love and adoration. You'd make him forget all about them. Holding him to your chest, embracing him with all the warmth and love in your being, leaving a ghost of a kiss on his cheek, running your fingers along his taut muscles and undoing knots... you would not let anybody else be the one to do these things.

He was yours. All yours and nobody else's. You would rather die than let anyone take him from you. Life just wasn't worth living without him.

Thankfully, in your rummaging through his apartment, you didn't find any pictures or indications of a romantic partner. You had yet to look through his phone because you didn't want to pull away from him at all that night, so that was a pressing matter for another time. Today was recon. You'd follow him, hoping to come across places that he frequented so that if you lost him at one point or another then you'd have some alternate places to check. You knew he liked the park nearby that old diner your sister enjoyed from the first and last time you followed him. Unfortunately, you had stayed a little too long waiting for him to turn the corner out of the park, and as soon as you pushed through the gates you had lost him in the endless swarm of people.

You had panicked that time, but this time you wouldn't be so careless. You'd keep your sights on him and recover any information possible. Especially... if he was on a date. The thought made your entire body ignite with a primal urge to hurt something. You wanted to strangle, beat, torture, stab your way through anybody that dared to touch him- that dared to waste his precious, invaluable time with their disgusting presence, leeching off his light and his kindness like a fucking parasite.

You'd protect him from those fucking cretins. Scum of the earth, all of them. As if you'd ever let their filth taint his pure radiance. No. You'd be there to protect him. No matter the cost.

"This is The Eden Bar," A slow, boring voice that could put any high school student to sleep drawled over the line.

Your manager picked had up the phone, and it was only then that you pushed up your glasses and let the world come into focus. In your room, you could be as angry as you wanted. You could lust for the spilling of the blood of those who opposed you, of those that challenged you with their wicked glee. They didn't deserve him. You'd make sure to destroy their every happiness. To corrupt the very things they held dear so that they couldn't find enjoyment out of anything anymore.

"Hey, Mr. Wilson. Sorry to bother, I'm calling in for a sick day," You explained, carefully.

There was a short pause and you heard some muffled back and forth between him and someone else. He cleared his throat and you cringed. You had heard his voice do so many things in his office, even just the sound of it made you want to throw yourself out the window.

Just the sound of his voice made you want to tear open his stomach and rip his organs out of the way so you could dig your hand into his back and pluck his spine from his very body. This cheating asshole. This waste of oxygen... you'd be doing everyone a favour. His poor wife... every time you saw his revolting face you could only think about what his poor wife was doing at home, blissfully unaware as he tore their marriage vows to shreds with his actions. She deserved so much better... everyone deserved so much better than this fucker.

"Why?

"Because I'm ill," You lied.

"With what?" It was against federal law for him to ask you why you were taking off a sick day.

But you had to tread carefully. You needed this job. And aside from Lindsey fucking Rogers, the manager and the shitty customers, it paid well and you had gotten comfortable with the routine and most of the other co-workers were pretty cool. Ben was interesting, gossipy and fun. Gwen, you rarely talked to but the few times you did she was very sweet and polite. Finn was new so you had only spoken to him once before, and you had a good rapport with Sam, Jacklyn, Marlon and Kip.

Furthermore, not all of the customers were that bad. They told good stories, like the bail bond bounty hunter guy Reginald who came in every once in a while with a new story about his hits. Or Savana who kept coming and going from prison. The woman was a whole-ass psychopath, no word of a lie. So charming yet with no remorse for her crimes. She made friends with other inmates very easily and had many stories to tell about her times in prison, as well as the people she had met, who had told her stories about themselves or others. Roy and his buddies were friendly police officer regulars. You didn't care for the police, but they were alright as citizens.

"With all due respect, I'm not keen to discuss it right now."

There was a five-second pause where you once again heard a muffled back and forth before he let out a gruff sigh.

"Whatever. Just be back tomorrow, unless you're still sick then."

He hung up on you. Inwardly you groaned and put the phone down. In fairness, you could've called his personal number but who knew what creepy shit he might pull. At least if it was a public phone line, he'd have a reason to hesitate before making threats or demands or asking unnecessary questions.

You hoped Ben was fairing well without you today but it was his fault for banging the girl everyone hated (and for good reason, too) just because he was being shallow and not thinking logically. That was his mistake and he could deal with it on his own.

Once that call was over, you attended to more pressing matters. You cleaned off your glasses which had gotten a bit dusty from being within the goggles pressed on your face from your journey, and then you headed to your dear, lovely sister's room and knocked on the door. To your surprise, your sister opened up the door, make-up already done, a nice baggy sweater hanging over a pair of white-washed jeans. You raised your brows.

"You're up early."

"And you got home late," She leaned against the door frame, expectantly.

"I know, I know. There was some drama at work so I went on a walk. It took longer than expected."

Her cynical expression gave way to concern. You couldn't help the way your heart smiled at that. Amar cared so much about you, and you cared so much about her. You were so thankful to be blessed with such a wonderful girl- to be blessed with such amazing siblings. A fantastic family.

"It's dangerous to walk around at night," She sighed, "Garrett was waiting for you for a while there."

Aww, Garrett. Your beloved cat. You loved him so much. You knew that Amar would remember to take him back in- you just knew it. You did miss Garrett, too. He was such a good boy. Such a lovely, good kitty. You decided to extend your schedule a bit to give him some attention before you left. After all, he had been so good.

"I know it's dangerous," You acknowledged, "But you don't need to worry about me. I know where and where not to go. Now... where's that cat?"

Amar sighed, shaking her head but a smile brought across her face. The both of you made idle chatter as you went down the stairs. She was talking about her English Lit class and how she had to read a book for her Lit Circle then connect the section she'd been reading to a Shakespearean text that they had studied.

"So, now I'm trying to figure out how Nightmare on Elm Street links to the themes, characters and plot of Macbeth," She explained, sounding worn out.

You laughed a little, although you weren't too sure yourself. It had been years since you went to school, years since you learned anything about Shakespeare or his plays. All you could remember was the classical sonnet: 'shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art more [something] and temperate, like darling flowers blooming in May' or something. And that was more because of your recent infatuation. You briefly wondered if perhaps you should write him a poem to express your devotion and leave it for him to find but reconsidered it. Not only would that be super creepy and weird but... it would be super creepy and weird and reveal to him that he had a stalker or at least a secret admirer.

You couldn't take the chance of him even knowing he had someone watching him. It was best for him to not know of your presence at all. That way you could insert yourself into his life seamlessly and without much caution. Plus, you didn't want to run the risk of some flighty bitch making a move and claiming to be said secret admirer.

"Maybe you could link the nightmares to Macbeth's hallucinations? Like with the dagger thing?" You made a fake stabbing motion to emphasise your point.

Amaryllis stopped at the bottom of the stairs and glared up at you, the thick eye-liner around her eyes making the deep, milky flecked E/C of her irises stand out to you. All of your siblings and yourself looked very similar but different at the same time. Amar's gorgeous eyes were an example of this. However, it seemed your comment had struck some kind of chord in her.

"Are you joking? Kruger's nightmares are there to torture his victims. Macbeth's delusions are a manifestation of his guilt, mom. Those are totally different."

"They aren't so different," You argued, "Doesn't that just mean the things he's seeing are his own mind torturing himself?"

"Yeah, but he actually deserved it for killing the good King Duncan. Freddy's victims didn't deserve their punishment," She rolled her eyes and kept walking so you had no choice but to follow suit, "Besides, that's a really basic analysis. I need to dig deeper. Think more... philosophically."

Ouch. She just called your analysis basic. Well, she wasn't wrong. You never had much interest in English Literature, to be honest. It didn't matter too much to you. You preferred Biology anyways. Looking into the living organisms and the way things worked was infinitely more interesting than delving deep into the meanings of words on a page. How gifted your Amar was to be good at both.

That was something Amar liked, though, so you respected it. You shrugged off her remark as she rambled a bit more and when you saw Garrett lounging on the sofa, you sat with him and let Amar's endless talking taper off into the back of your mind. It was nothing against her, you were still half understanding what she was saying, but more passively than usual. After all, your mind was on other things. Garrett cuddling up to your side made you feel warm and fuzzy. Your baby boy had been the one to bring you and your beloved together and you were endlessly thankful to him for that.

But more than that, you did miss giving Garrett your endless affection. He was a sweet cat, very friendly aside from the kill count he had racked up against the local vermin. You found it cute but your siblings thought it was gross when Garrett dragged up dead mice to your door. Sure, you never kept the damn things, but your baby was just showing his love in one of the only ways he knew how.

He bashed his forehead against your chin and you laughed a bit, kissing him there as he liked it. Purring in your lap, you were once again reminded of your Sweetheart. Under your hands, he basically purred the whole night. He was like a cuddle bug. You couldn't wait to be with him for real, to be able to do this with his enthusiastic consent and to see the bright, bashful smile he'd give you when you asked him to do so.

Though his form was so lanky and thin, it was like he was the softest thing on the planet. When he turned over to face you in his sleep, you remembered burying your face in his chest and wrapping your arms around his middle and he basically melted right into you like putty in your hands. He gave out a pleasant hum and his hand loosely landed on your side, though not as though he was trying to hold you closer. But in those seconds, you could pretend he was. You could pretend like this was a normal relationship, where you were both sure of who you were with, where you weren't following him around in the night and staring through his windows.

Where you weren't cuddling up to a stranger with a seductive voice who didn't even remember who you were. You could pretend that things were normal.

"And, yaknow, Kitty's mom told me that 'these are the best years of your life', right? And that I gotta enjoy 'em while I still have 'em. And I was just like '... these are the best?'. Like, don't tell me high school is the best years of my life, please. I spend all day in a classroom away from my friends and family and I have to learn a bunch of shit I don't care about," Your sister rambled.

"Language, my Amour," You narrowed your eyes at her.

Garrett meowed to get your attention since you had stopped petting him. You couldn't help but giggle and continue giving him your affection once more. A part of you was reluctant to leave him, even though you knew that you'd have to. Your beloved was waiting. Maybe not for you, but you were waiting to get back to him. Garrett was lovely, but you were sure he'd be even happier once you got your Sweetheart to join the family. Then he could get pets from one more cat lover.

"Okay, but my point still stands!" She pointed an accusing finger at you.

You raised your hands, palm flat at her in a surrender motion and in turn, she smiled and turned away, making herself some bagels. Sometimes she needed help getting the damn things out of the toaster. It wasn't too much of a problem for you. You were used to the heat, that's why the cold affected you so much. Plus, with how fast you could run, it would be a concern if you couldn't handle heats like that.

Again, Garrett nudged your hovering hand and you giggled a bit, before returning to petting him. You didn't mind giving attention to your baby boy. You kissed him on the forehead and his rumbling purrs seemed to get louder. You wondered if your sweetheart would purr like this for you.

"Things are already so- er- crappy at high school. You're telling me it only goes downhill from here? Doesn't that bode well..." Amar's penchant for sarcasm never ceased to surprise you, especially after Cosmos turned out so literal.

It was so weird to see the kids you raised becoming so different from each other, how your parenting style had allowed them to blossom into their own people. Each sibling different from the other, yet so alike. Like butterfly wings on different species, with varying differences until they looked completely different almost entirely. Your kids were your pride and joy. Raising them, however troublesome and difficult it had been at times, was still a collection of fond memories that you'd hold dear for the rest of your life.

You loved them and you wanted them to be happy. Enough to let them go. Enough to let them have independence. Enough to wave them goodbye at the door, even if it was against everything you ever wanted for them. Sometimes you still found yourself regretting these decisions, but regardless you knew it was for the best. Whenever you regretted it, you only had to look at your kids' social media posts and the text exchanges you had between you, and then you realised that they were truly living better lives for it.

If they had stayed with you- or been forced to- they never would have had the experiences that they had. If they had been forced to stay, they surely would've resented you for making them. It was the sad reality. What you wanted for them wasn't what was best. Only they could decide that. The only thing you could do was guide them towards these decisions and be there if they needed you. And if that was all you could do, that was what you would do for them.

You wanted them to be happy...

"I'm sure it'll be fine."

So why couldn't you do the same for him? You loved him, too, right? Even if it was in a different way to the way you loved your siblings. You told yourself you loved him. You told him you loved him last night. So why couldn't you let him be happy? Why were you so keen to take away the things that might do so? His freedom? Possible partners?

Surely he wouldn't want you to keep him to yourself. Yet you were selfish. You wanted to. Surely he wouldn't want you to sneak into his room at night and hold him when he didn't consent. Yet you did so anyway.

Why was it that you would give up the things you wanted for your siblings to be happy, yet you would do the opposite in regards to him? Could you even call that love? It seemed more like some twisted fantasy. You were obsessed with him. 

"How?" Amar looked totally defeated.

It reminded you of the way he looked last night. Running your hands along your son's fur, you smiled at her, lightly.

"Well, you're really clever, strong and brave... and things turned out well for your siblings, didn't they? Things will go well for you, too. I know they will."

"But they didn't go well for you..."

She looked guilty when she said it. As if that was somehow her fault. Had she been holding herself accountable for your less than successful career? You thought that you had made it clear that it wasn't an issue for you. You would've given up a thousand successful careers if it meant you could watch them all grow up again and again and again. You frowned.

"Of course they did. I have you guys, don't I? That's more than enough and I wouldn't trade that for anything else, my Amour."

"You didn't even get to go to college... you didn't even get to try."

"I never needed stuff like that. Raising you guys has always been enough for me. It's fulfilling to see you lot make something of yourselves. Just promise you won't leave me behind," You gave a small, joking smile.

But you think even Amar knew that deep down, it wasn't a joke. The one thing you treasured most in life was her and the others. If they left you behind, then there would be no reason to keep going. Just like your father gave up completely once your mother died, if they left you, you wouldn't be able to stop yourself from totally giving in.

"I promise."

There was a short gap of silence, palpable for the two of you. Garrett remained blissfully unaware, gladly taking all the attention you gave him. Seriously, with how desperate he was for it, you'd think that you never gave him any whatsoever. The thought made you inwardly chuckle. Then, you heard the toaster pop open.

Immediately, Amar opened up a draw and fished out a fork. For a moment, you were confused about what she was doing, until she started angling said fork prongs towards the bagel stuck in the toaster. You gasped in horror.

"Amar! What the heck are you doing??" You immediately got up and Garrett jumped onto the floor.

She looked back at you, seemingly unconcerned. She gestured towards the bagel halves.

"They got stuck," She shrugged.

"You don't stick a fork in there to get them! That's dangerous!"

"I haven't gotten injured yet," She seemed completely unphased by your outburst- perhaps even amused.

"Yet! Is the keyword! You could get burned or electrocuted! That's a metal fork!" You pointed out.

She looked at the metallic fork and thought about it for a moment. Geez, if she couldn't even pick out the dangers of sticking a metal fork in a burning hot toaster, then would she really be able to pick up marine biology? You wanted to have faith in your little sister, but the fact that she nearly put herself in danger made you want to swaddle her in a thousand safety blankets and keep her locked up in her room forever.

"Mom, it's no big deal."

"Amar, you could've hurt yourself," You carefully approached her and wrenched the fork out of her hand with ease (mainly because she didn't put up much of a fight), "Here, I'll get that for you."

You reached in and easily plucked the bagels from their holds without getting burned. Then, you placed them down on a plate. When you turned to Amar, you could almost see a look of... uncertainty on her face.

"I'm sorry I worried you," She mumbled, guiltily.

"Hey, we all make mistakes. Just ask me for help, next time. You know I'd do it for you."

"I know..." She sighed, but smiled anyway, "Thanks, mom."

"Anytime, my dear. Anytime," You began buttering the bagels for her with margarine, since she had pulled it out during your discussion, "I, uh, wanted to tell you that I can't walk you to school today. I have to head off early to some meeting about how staff morale..."

You blanked. SHIT. You hesitated. Keeping your cool, hands trembling, sweating. You kept your eyes on the bagel, kept the best poker face you had. If she knew you were lying, that would be enough cause for suspicion. If she knew what you were doing in your spare time, she'd be utterly revolted by it. You had to keep her from knowing. No matter the cost. No matter what. She couldn't know.

"Is doing," You finished your excuse.

But that didn't matter. You had hesitated. If Amar thought you were making something up on the fly like you were, she'd know that wasn't what you were doing. Then the questions would come. She wouldn't trust you. She'd know something was up. If she found any smidge of evidence to point you towards your crimes... she was too smart for her own good. Did she know, already?

"Are they finally going to kick Lindsey out?"

You let out a sigh of relief, quietly so that she didn't notice. Then, you laughed a bit at her response. The anxiety washed away. Usually, you would hate lying to her, but these were special circumstances. If she knew what you chose to do in your spare time, she'd look at you with disgust. You couldn't risk losing your siblings. They meant everything to you. The whole world.

Amar poured some cat food for Garrett, and he bounded up to his food bowl and munched as he pleased. God, his breath always smelled awful after that. You reconsidered leaving a little later to pet Garrett. He was great and you loved him deeply but you couldn't help but cringe every time your sense of smell got amplified and his breath fanned on your face while you were giving him affection. You weren't even sure where to begin with cleaning cat teeth. Usually, you gave him a bone to chew on or the dental wipes recommended, but that rarely did much to mask the scent.

You resigned yourself to the smell, today. Remembering how happy Garrett was to see you made you want to stay regardless. Besides, you still had to brush his teeth today anyways. The weekend was approaching and you had to get at least three brushes in there. Admittedly, you had neglected it too late because you forgot. You had been so up in your head for the past couple of weeks, what with meeting your sweetheart and everything.

"Fat chance," You humoured, "I think it's just because work ethic and production has been decreasing recently. It's hard to keep up when bar activity is so sporadic, recently."

"People are weird. They don't usually have set routines for getting drunk," Amar leaned on the counter, watching the butter melt into the steaming hot bagels.

"And you do?" You quirked a brow.

"Hah. As if," She scoffed, "I was just saying. Usually, people make plans last minute and everything. That's why they can't exactly book appointments with the bar, can they?"

As you finished them up, you handed the plate towards her and she beelined for the table, setting it down and sitting on a pulled out chair nearby. You kneeled down and patted Garrett as he ate, as well. Then you leaned against the counter, watching her take a bite.

"Good point. Plus, the weekdays are usually about the time when people go to work. It's like the popularity of going out has been dwindling, though. I'm just afraid I'll be put out of a job. Hopefully, that dilemma doesn't come for a while."

She held up a finger as she finished her mouthful. They were blueberry and cinnamon bagels. Amar hated the everything bagels so you never got them. Juniper loved them, though. Maybe if he came by to visit you'd purchase some just for him.

"You're a valued employee, mom. No way would they sack you. Especially since you keep a lot of the customers coming."

"That's not true," You rolled your eyes in an attempt to conceal how bashful that praise had made you feel.

"Yeah, it is. Ciel always comes back because of you, and doesn't the manager have the biggest crush on her?"

You sighed. Amar made it sound like it was some petty high school romance thing, but it was more than that. It was cheating, it was emotional and physical cheating. It angered you. But you knew what Amar really meant. It was true. As long as Ciel kept pursuing you, the manager would have a reason to keep you around. He wouldn't fire you. You brought good business and you gave good service. You and Ben were a great team like that.

Amar always asked about work. You regaled some stories to her, things that the customers had told you, gossip, workplace drama, that sort of thing. Amar wasn't the biggest fan of Ciel since she had heard the way she had been coming onto you. You weren't so bothered by it.

"Yeah, I guess so. It's not exactly fun to watch."

Amar snorted.

"I'll bet. Anyways, you're great at your job. If you get fired, you'll find a new place easy. No sweat."

"No sweat, huh?" You wondered, absently.

No sweat...

You weren't sure why that phrase stuck with you when you arrived back at your boyfriend's place. After giving some extra loving to your favourite cat baby and cleaning his teeth (something you had been doing for him since he was little so he was used to it), you had been quick to return your gear into your backpack and head off in some non-descript clothing. Your goggles and mouthguard were in there just in case things got dicey for one reason or another, but otherwise, all you really needed to do was slip on your jacket and be done with it.

The thing about your cat hoodie was that it was casual enough to be a plausible outfit for someone just walking around in the daytime, but it was also dark and baggy enough to conceal your features. You were going to be following him around in public today, it was important that he didn't recognise you and that he didn't even notice you. You weren't sure that he even remembered the first time you had met, but it didn't matter if he did or didn't remember. When prompted, someone could likely recall a face. Chances were if he saw you, he'd remember how weird you were. That would be cause enough to panic. He'd definitely know you were following him around if he caught you.

That's why you had to be stealthy.

When you arrived at his place, he was halfway done with his recording. You stayed out of sight and out of mind. Thankfully, the camera wasn't pointing towards his window or else you'd be fucked. 

It was actually really relaxing listening to him speak. His voice was gorgeous and you practically melted under every word. His pleasant, dulcet tones lulled you into an almost meditative state. You truly could have listened to him all day, that was no exaggeration. There was something about the way he spoke that left you wanting more. Or maybe it was just your deep-running infatuation. You were sure that even if his voice wasn't as lovely as it was, you would've still been hanging onto his every word.

When he stopped talking and turned off his camera, you were nearly startled off your position on his wall. You should've been checking the alleyway regularly to make sure nobody had spotted you out. Thankfully, you were almost completely certain that wasn't something you'd have to worry about. Druggies would see you latched onto the wall as some weird trip they were having. Drug dealers wouldn't come into the area. Gangs and thugs had better things to do in other areas. The lack of graffiti in the alleyways told you that much.

It was the teenagers you had to worry about, the ones that liked breaking into the buildings. But even then it was school hours, and even if they were playing hookey, you doubted they'd come to this area in broad daylight. 

Your sweetheart packed up his stuff and began getting changed. You watched as he pulled his shirt over his head, revealing his bareback to you. You weren't sure if you were drooling or not, peeking through his window like a fucking pervert. It was when he started taking off his jeans that you looked away. Yours or not, he was a person and you intended to respect his privacy in that regard, at least. You would have preferred if he chose to share that part of himself with you, instead of you seeing it against his will.

That's what you would prefer, anyway.

You only looked back when you heard his bedroom door open, and he began leaving his apartment. This was your cue. You sunk down to the ground and waited just outside at the alleyway nearby. Pulling up your phone as he must've been getting on his shoes and exiting his apartment, you found that you had received a couple texts. Thank god you had the damn thing on silent.

Ben
Hey heard u were sick.
U good?

You
Hey, yeah. I'm good, thanks
for asking.

Sick, though, obviously. Or
else I wouldn't be off.

How'd you find out?

You narrowed your eyes at the screen. If the manager went blabbing that would make sense. You were fine with lying to him, but it didn't feel so good lying to Ben. Ben was cool. The manager was a cheating slut who deserved to get his skull caved in in a tragic car accident that Lindsey should've been with him in.

But then the wife might get blamed for it. And that would be too tragic. And you needed this job.

Ben
Harold wouldnt stfu bout
it

He thinks ur faking n wont
stop trash talkin ya

Count on Lindsey to join in
2. Fuckin asshats.

You rolled your eyes at the thought. Of course, Lindsey and the boss would be keen to rake your name through the mud. Then again, they weren't exactly wrong, were they? You were skiving off work, after all.

You
You're telling me? Lmao

Ben
If hes so sure ur playin hookey
y didnt he ask 4 a doctor note?

You
He wants a reason to piss me
off. Just ignore him.

Ben
No way man. Ur my man.

That was a really sweet sentiment. Now, you really were feeling guilty for lying to him. But more than that, you felt guilty for not trusting him. Of course, there were things you'd never even tell your siblings. Like how you drugged your father regularly. Or how you had made elaborate plans to kill him and your mother on a regular basis, to the point where you had a diary full of these things that you burned a long time ago (you weren't the most clever when you were a child, but when you grew up, you did recognise his dangerous it was yo gave these murderous thoughts collected in an orderly planner, where someone snooping a little too hard might find them).

But even still, there were things that you didn't keep too close to your chest that you couldn't tell him. Things that might've been nice for a friend to know. The problem was, you weren't sure that you considered him a friend.

You
Thanks, dude. That's
nice of you to say.

Ben
Ofc man. Ur cool.

I stg someone needs to beat
the shit outta the manager.
Hes so fuckin annoyin.

You
Tell me about it.

How is work without me?

Ben
Trash af

Finn wont come in 2day
either :(

Gwens pissed

You
She should be. Apparently
Lindsey made him cry.

Finn, I mean.

Poor kid.

Ben
What a bitch. Srsly I can't believe
I slept with  her

Fr fr

You
I don't need to hear anything
else about that fiasco.

Ben
Its messy.

She's making me do half
her work for her.

Thank god Sam is a literal
beast at this!!

You
Fuck. Her.

Ben
Been there done that

You
Gross. I don't need to
hear anything else.

Ben
It wasnt even that  good ngl

You
This is  cursed knowledge.

We're ending this line of
conversation.

Ben
Jealous?

You
In your fucking dreams
dude.

Ben
Tf

I'll have u know I'm a
sexy beast

You
Keep telling yourself that.

Be back. I might throw up.

Ben
Dang. That sux, man.   Get
well soon.

Wait... 

Is this u being sick?  Or u
saying Im ugly?

Becuz Im not ugly fyi

You rolled your eyes. Thank God that conversation was over. Ben was a good co-worker. He made the whole job more fun. But you wouldn't really consider him a friend. Bantering with him was normal when in person and doing your job, but outside of work it just felt off to you. You weren't really used to friends. You weren't sure this was even what you had with Ben. You didn't really click with him in the way you had clicked with some of your high school friends. He was just your funny co-worker who you happened to talk to.

You had a strange feeling, however, that he genuinely thought you were friends. It was as sweet as it was sad. You weren't sure how to feel about it. Sure, you enjoyed his company but you wouldn't tell him your fear of dying alone. You wouldn't tell him about your siblings or the reason you didn't drink. You just didn't feel that close to him. But he felt close enough to you to tell you his drama, his gossip, his problems.

Maybe it was because you didn't have any other friends. Not really. So you didn't really have anybody to tell about these things.

Or maybe, he just genuinely trusted you. You weren't sure which explanation you would have preferred to be fact.

Your eyes darted up from your phone the moment you heard the door open. Excitement made blood pump in your ears. You backed up a little more into the shadows as your beloved strolled by. You noticed the blank expression on his face. Like he was aimless in his endeavours. But he was clearly headed somewhere. You switched your phone off and slipped it into your pocket. And you shadowed him through his journey through town.

. . .

Oh, what a delightful day this had started out to be. You tailed him through the city at a safe distance, mostly out of sight, moving through back alleys, but occasionally you'd be just around the last corner or watching intently from within a nearby shop. To be honest, the places he went to were really nice. In the park, it was easy to follow him around to his favourite spots. He seemed to stray away from the jogging track, making it a good place for hiding spots to just watch him at.

He stared up at the sky in deep thought nearby a duck pond. You liked the duck pond, you always thought ducks were cute. It's too bad you couldn't touch them, or else their mother would abandon them. Like this, you could almost pretend that you and him were on a date. Like you were sitting right next to him on the bench, staring up at the clouds and pointing out which ones looked like shapes or pictures.

But he was there, and you were here. Sitting in the bushes, staring at him with wide eyes. Like you couldn't even blink for a second or you'd miss something adorable that he did. He had this kitten-like sneeze, you noticed. You also wondered if he had allergies. Maybe that's why he sneezed in the first place.

You liked the wilderness a little better than the city. That's why you came by this park once or twice a month. To unwind. In the city, smells were potent and inescapable. Suffocating. But here, they were earthy and neutral. Almost not even there, aside from the occasional warm fragrance of an afternoon blooming flower, or freshly mowed grass.

When you were feeling neutral, it didn't really bother you. But on your bad days, it got to you pretty quickly. That's one of the reasons you hated people or being around them. At The Eden Bar, the smell of alcohol was so overwhelming it usually overpowered the cheap perfume or B.O of other people. Maybe it was strange, but you liked the scent alcohol had. It reminded you of something bitter, but something nice, too. Alcohol on people's breaths was gross because it was mixed with a whole lot of other gross shit. But otherwise, the alcohol smell, in general, was sharp and strong. You liked it.

You watched him traverse the city into many different areas. Parks, past restaurants and diners, like that orange one your Amar liked so much. Your favourite, however, was the flower shop. It wasn't easy to tail him in, but you did rounds around the block at various intervals and watched him from across the street in the alleyway. It was your favourite place to follow him to, not because of the challenge, but because of the way his eyes lit up.

He liked flowers. He had to. That was it. You couldn't help the warm grin that spread on your face, as you saw him browsing bouquet by the window in the front. You had to push your glasses out of your face just to see him because your heart was beating so faster than ever at the bright grin on his face. You struggled to keep up. His ocean eyes delighted, scanning over velvet-like petals of all colours.

 He looked so endeared by every flower. A warmth seemed to trickle through your whole body. And when he left with a small bouquet of soft, baby blue hydrangea and a light puplish bluish belladonna delphinium and larkspur- the colour of tinted steel blue, like his stunning eyes- you couldn't help the warming of your heart. The meanings of these flowers weren't lost on you. The only thing your mother cared about was her plants and her fucking garden. She never bothered to raise you or any of your siblings for that matter. It's the reason you had to take up the mantle.

If she wouldn't, who would? 

But it was clouded soon by the darkened rain cloud cast overhead. The gentle grin had faded from your lips as you watched him walk by across the street as he left the cute little place. There was a small smile on his face, it reminded you of a homesick boy who had accepted his fate. Loss.

Who were they for?

Apologies, dignity and grace, cheerfulness and goodwill, open hearts, attachment, romance, maybe even first love? Maybe he wasn't thinking about the meaning. Or maybe he was? He seemed sad, with those large, cat-like eyes that seemed defeated and hopeless. The yellow of the sun on its way down seemed to reflect in his luminescent, magnetic gaze. Like the crashing waves of a deep and endless sea, beneath which were mysterious and unfathomable expanses beyond our comprehension.

You had so much to learn about him. So much to do. You had yet to hold his hand during his waking hours. You had yet to grasp his cheeks in your soft palms and kiss him gently under the starlight that stared back at you in that rivetting, shimmering stare.

You lost him in the crowd after that, which wasn't too strange. You saw him on his way downtown towards the North. You'd have to head back there towards your residential area, soon, but you took this as a sign that your sister was waiting. You had gotten so caught up in watching his peaceful excursion into the city that you had lost track of time. You headed towards Amar's school, ready to walk her home.

Days were too short like this. Too short when you couldn't keep him. Every day flew by so fast. Even the night was over much too soon for you. He still had that bouquet in his hands. You were intent on seeing who he might've given them to, but your sister waited. Besides, he hadn't indicated any interest in anybody. You couldn't be sure of any recent developments or anything, though. Regardless, your beloved was sad and you'd be there for him tonight.

Recalling the previous night with your gentle skimming fingers along his skin, and the purring rumbling deep within him... you weren't sure whether you could ever let him go, now. You were addicted, well and truly. There was no running away from this. But it couldn't possibly be that bad, right?

Amar came barrelling out of the gate, arms stretched with a big, fucking grin on her face. She slammed into you at full force, but you had prepared for that, one leg pulled back with a wider stance to take it. Still, without your heart pumping, you stumbled back a bit. You were taller than her, but not by a lot.

"Woah! Hello to you, too?" You grinned and she looked up at you, a huge grin on her face, "You... have a good day?"

"I basically carried my team through dodgeball!" She announced, brightly.

"Yeah-fuckin-right, L/N!" A male voice called out from somewhere.

For a moment, you were launched into a sense of panic and aggravation. Your eyes darted around the area, and from beyond the pointed fence surrounding the school's front yard, your eyes laid witness to some kid a few inches taller than you, with blonde hair and blue eyes (not as pretty as your sweetheart's blue eyes, of course). He was in a varsity jacket and a striped t-shirt and he had a huge smirk on his face.

"Next time! You're goin down!" He grinned and headed towards the parking lot.

"Give me your best shot, Reeves!"

Once you realised it was just witty banter, you calmed and laughed a bit, adjusting your glasses as the slight blur of your eyes came undone like an unspooling ball of yarn. Amar pulled away from you with a grin.

"Reeves?" You raised a brow.

"Some dumbass on the football team."

"Language," You warned.

"What?? He swore!" She exclaimed, jutting a thumb back to where whoever this 'Reeves' guy was.

You smirked and shook your head. You were glad to hear Amar was making new friends (if she could even call him a friend). Their playful competition, you hoped, would be a good foundation for a friendly relationship with a good sense of stability for it. That's what you wanted for your sister. Only the best for Amaryllis.

"He's not my kid," You rolled your eyes.

"That's not fair!" She groaned and you could only find it in you to chuckle a little.

Your mind wandered back to your Sweetheart. You wondered if he had any friends. Maybe he had lost someone close to him. If only you could take away all of his pain. You wanted to give him every happiness, every good thing this world had to offer. Just to see that big, toothy grin on his face and the way those splendid, azure eyes lit up. In the same way they had lit up over the flowers. You wanted to make him feel like that every day.

But even that wasn't realistic, was it? Some people just had bad things happen to them even if they didn't deserve it (and your Sweetheart definitely didn't deserve it). That was life. And you knew that you couldn't protect him from every bad thing that could happen. No matter how hard you'd try, some hurts would still get through.

But you could try. You could make him happy. That's what counted.

If he had friends, you hoped they were supporting him. You also hoped he wasn't running into the arms of someone who couldn't treat him well, who couldn't love him. Not like you could. So wholly and utterly. You'd devote your heart, mind, body and soul to him. You'd give everything to see that beautiful smile.

"So? You carried your dodgeball team?" You raised a brow, prompting conversation with your sister as the both of you walked home together.

"Heck yeah! Well- not literally. But every time the other team overpowered us, I was basically the only one left. I have the reflexes of a god damned ninja!"

"You get that from me," You joked, ruffling her hair.

She made a disgusted noise and sorted it while you smirked to yourself. Your sister had the casual emo look down. You never really understood why she had to apply eyeliner every single day, but you weren't one to judge. You supported her regardless.

"I won, like, seven rounds. I completely demolished the other team! You should've seen their faces!" She cackled.

"Even that jock kid? Er... 'Reeves'?"

"Oh! Especially him!" She grinned, evilly, "He didn't think I could do it. But I proved him wrong over and over again. You should've seen his face!"

"Yeah, he mentioned about a 'next time'. I thought you guys were doing Netball in Phys Ed?"

"Our gym coach had to go for some family emergency so instead of keeping the guys and girls separate, they put the groups together with the male gym teach and we just played dodgeball instead," Amar shrugged, "We don't know how long she'll be gone for."

"Well, I'm glad to hear you had fun, sweetie," You smiled.

"I'm a dodgeball GOD!"

She pumped her fists in the air, and you managed to quickly evade one which may have actually hit your face. She slowly lowered her arms and smiled at you, awkwardly.

"Sorry, mom."

"No worries," You rolled your eyes with a small smile, "I'm glad to see you enthusiastic about something."

"You say that like I'm never enthusiastic about anything," She folded her arms, cynically.

"Well..." You trailed off, in a joking tone.

"Hey! I may be emo, but I still like things, mom. Have some faith in me!"

. . .

As proud as you were of most of your pieces, you couldn't say you had the best self-esteem overall. Plus, you never really considered your art as something to show off. You never thought it was anything incredible. It still made you very happy to see other people enjoying it, too. Even if it was the NSFW request section that tended to get the most traction (and the most money...). You delighted in getting your money's worth. Certain pieces made you uncomfortable to draw but you still did it for the money, because it was too good to refuse, to be completely honest. It meant that you had a financial cushion to fall back on should the rug be unexpectedly yanked out from under you and your siblings. It also meant you had some extra cash for recreational purposes: pocket money to give Amar, vet funds for Garrett, financial aid for any siblings should they need it and help with paying off their debts should they accumulate, or already have accumulated some (namely from student loans).

The unfortunate result was that you couldn't really show it off to your siblings and the only validation you received tended to come from the fanbases you were a part of.

You were glad to make a profit from your hobby, even if you couldn't really call it a real job. To be honest, pursuing this passion of yours was something you had considered a lot. You had an affinity for art (which was probably why you were so magnetically connected to your Sweetheart, since he was life's greatest masterpiece... as cheesy as it sounded). You loved drawing. Even as a kid, you liked painting, too.

It wasn't ever something you considered for a career, just a fun activity for your downtime. Art was hardly a sustainable job, and with seven other siblings to take care of, you were wary about that sort of thing. You never stopped enjoying it, though. Maybe one day you'd have enough money and free time to pursue it as your main income. But that day was not today. You had a feeling it was a day on the horizon that you'd chase into oblivion, it always being just out of reach

Whatever. You accepted these sacrifices when you took on being a parental figure for your family. You gave up that dream. You had everything you could ever want right there. Family, a possible future boyfriend. It was selfish to want more than what life had already so generously given to you. You could only hope to have more happy days like this in the future. You could only hope that those you loved would have endless happiness in their lives, too.

One day, you would have loved to show your Sweetheart the pieces YOU MADE. To see what he thought of them and to hear his melodious voice compliment and assure you. But that was a day and a possibility for another time.

Your mind jumped back to his trip to the flower store. He seemed so helplessly depressed with that bouquet clutched in his hands. You wondered what was going on in that brilliant mind of his. Every time you saw him, he looked so sad. Even ripping open his head and crawling inside would never be enough. Never enough, not enough- never enough for you. Until he was all yours. Completely. With no hope of escape. You'd never let him fucking leave.

Why was he so sad? You wished you knew all his ailments. You wished that you could cure him of every sadness, of every illness so that he could live a fulfilled and beautiful life. One where he willingly spun around and swung you into his arms as if he really loved you back. He would, one day. You just had to figure out how to manipulate him into doing so. Ugh, to breathe in that delicious aroma of his, to press your lips against his fleshy neck, and breathe all of him in. He was the very ichor of the gods. Ambrosial. Utterly magnetic. You couldn't stay away even if you tried. Fuck. You wanted to keep him all for yourself.

You wanted to change that frown of his. You wanted to make him happy, to light up his life the way he lit up yours just by existing. But how? You still needed to find a realistic way to introduce yourself into his life. It had to go perfect or else he might suspect you. Or worse, reject you. You could handle him being suspicious of you- though you wouldn't like lying to him, if you had to you could probably do it. But if he disliked you, hated you, pushed you away... you wouldn't really take too well to that. That's why you had to make sure things went perfect, at all costs.

Your phone rang. It startled you and you jumped up in your chair, but when you saw the caller ID you relaxed a little. It was Zeph. What an odd time for her to be calling, though. Well, you could spare some time before you went back to your beloved's house. You answered.

"Hey, dad!" What a pleasant surprise.

Each of your siblings referred to you one way or another in a parental style, but Zephyr rarely called you dad anymore. Unlike Juniper, Zephyr didn't really like referring to you as a parental figure in public. That just meant that she was at home and comfortable, now. Admittedly, it was a little weird to be calling your sister in the midst of drawing tentacle porn.

Your eyes darted away from the screen, trying not to associate a wholesome conversation with your sister with the lewd art on the screen. You tentatively closed your laptop and turned from your desk, enthusiastically. Her voice was just how you remembered it. You also remembered craving to hear it more. She usually took time out of the month to call you once or twice. But you always longed for the days you spoke to them every day. The days you all lived together and you never had to worry about where they were or what they were doing.

This was what they wanted, though. Independence. You gave up your desire to keep them for their sake. They wanted this. All you could do was be there for them if they needed you.

Besides, not having them in the house left plenty of opportunities for check-ins with your beloved. If you still had them living with you, your attention would be stretched far too thin to be able to give him the adoration and appreciation he deserved. Silver-lining, you supposed. It was a win-win for all of those involved (except your beloved, but with time you were sure he'd grow to understand and even respect your actions... maybe even find it in him to be thankful?).

"Hey, Zeph! What can I do for you?"

You weren't sure why exactly she was calling you. Amar and you had been chatting about Zephyr's up-and-coming birthday (you were planning on taking Amaryllis out at some point to go get her older sister a present) on the walk home from school that evening, so at first, you thought perhaps she had plans that day.

"Just checking in on you. How've you been?"

"Oh! Good, good- I mean, I'm good, thanks for asking. Amar went to a sleepover recently so I had some time to myself but I haven't really been doing much anyways. What about you?"

"I'm alright. Just wanted to say 'hi'."

But no, just checking in on you. It was something each sibling did at least once a month (unless they were Chrys, who was increasingly clingy towards you, not that you minded in the slightest). Sometimes you would call every once in a while, but you tried not to. You didn't want to bother them or push their boundaries. You had done so in the past with your friends and they were none too pleased.

Still, how sweet. You were the luckiest parent in the world to have such caring, considerate kids.

"Aw, that's so sweet, my dear. Hi to you too. Any good news?"

"I might be getting a promotion, soon..."

"Oh my g- that's great, hun!" You cheered, brightly.

All you ever wanted for your kids was a successful career and a happy life. Zephyr was really into fashion and worked as a pretty renowned fashion designer. Especially considering her name was so odd, it made her stand out. Everyone knew who she was the moment she uttered the first letter of her name.

Well, perhaps that was a bit of an exaggeration. But she was still really good and worked on sets for movies, Youtube, etc. She even had her own twitch stream for make-up consultations and whatnot. Apparently, she had a whole fanbase on there. She had always been passionate about cosmetics- that was nothing new.

You remembered the days she'd steal your mother's make-up and mess around with it. She was a professional make-up artist long before she ever got a degree in cosmetics, long before she ever worked in Sevora, long before she ever turned on her camera for an audience. You always had to protect her from the brunt of your mother's wrath. Your mother was an all-natural hippie type, as was your dad, having been roped into it by your mother after simping head-over-heels for her for years.

"I know!" She squealed, enthusiastically (something she almost never did when excited because she thought it was unprofessional), "Maybe if it happens I can take us all out to dinner?"

"That sounds absolutely wonderful, sweetie. It'll be great to get everyone together at some point. It's been a while."

"We got together three weeks ago," You could practically hear the eye roll in her smiling voice.

"I miss you guys."

"It's hardly been that long, dad."

"Amour always says that, but you don't get it! I'm always thinking about you guys. I miss you whenever you're not here. It feels like lifetimes ago that we saw each other in person."

Your mother was one of those witch-y people. She believed that she was from a long line of druids or whatever and believed in the sanctity of letting nature itself raise her kids instead of doing it herself. As such she never fed you guys regularly and insisted that her husband remained with the same sort of physical and emotional distance. It was pure luck that Juniper and yourself got as far as you did.

It was like you were born for the role you fell into, or maybe nurture demanded you become what you did. But as soon as you saw Zephyr as a baby you just knew- or maybe you had always known and that deep, primal urge only arose when you saw her. You knew your mother was going to leave her be. So you took her and Juniper under your wing. Being barely 9 months older than your brother, you two were already quite close but Juniper was more of a protector and less nurturing than you were. He was always angry.

All the time. That was something that your attempts had failed at solving. You were by no means anyone's therapist, although you tried to make that your role no doubt. You needed to be needed and if there was something you couldn't do for someone you freaked out. It was something you grew out of eventually, to a certain degree. You still craved that reliance on you and it broke your heart when your kids left the nest and didn't need you anymore (which was why you and Amar got Garreth), but it didn't make you so anxious anymore.

"We'll see each other soon," Zephyr assured, with a gentle smile.

You remembered all the times that smile disappeared. All the times she held you close and cried into your hoodie. All the teasing words people had hissed to her at school. All the girls that pushed her over, the guys that scorned her. You wanted to protect that smile.

If you could have it your way, your siblings would all be living with you again. You would all be living under one roof and they'd spend their days laughing and having fun together while you worked yourself into the grave to provide for them.

"Promise?" She laughed but seemed to agree regardless.

But you didn't have it your way. They all had lived to get to, careers to chase after. They all deserved so much better than to be locked away from the world. They had so much to offer to it. So much good to do. You loved them, well and truly. Enough to give up everything for them. You loved them enough to let them go just enough to have independence. And if they ever needed you, you'd be there.

"I promise, dad. Like we'd ever leave you behind. I love you."

"Love you too, my dear. Get some sleep."

"I have a project due and I've started late..." She sighed, "Unfortunately, I don't have the luxury of sleep."

You frowned.

"Get some sleep when you can, then try and have a lie-in on the weekends. That might fix your sleep schedule."

"Haha! I'm a busy woman, dad," Zephyr smirked over the phone, "But I'll try."

A satisfied grin passed on your face.

"Good then. Love you, Zeph."

"Love you too!"

For some reason, when you hung up the phone you couldn't help but get the feeling that things were going to change soon. You weren't sure why or how, but you felt it. And after getting the line art finished for the piece you were working on, you got up and checked on Amar.

Sound asleep while typing something up on her laptop. Silly thing. You chuckled to yourself and closed her laptop completely, putting it on a desk before tucking her into her bed properly. Her room was an acceptable size, with plain walls a drawer set covered in stickers (as was her laptop) and a vanity littered with make-up and skin products. You kissed her forehead and leaned back.

She looked so at peace when she was asleep. So blissful and quiet. You craved the days when she and the others were like this all the time. Every single one of you collected in one room, sleeping soundly. When you could hear their breathing all around you and knew that they were safe. You would watch the rise and fall of their chests for hours. See the way Cosmos twisted and turned, messing up his blankets; hearing Chrys and Zephyr mumble to themselves in their sleep; listening to the subtle snores echoing from Juniper's chest; laughing quietly as V kicked the covers off, all in comparison to the still, corpse-like body of Coleus. He always slept like the dead.

V was always a fussy baby. You'd wake up in the middle of the night to their incessant whines and screaming in the room over. If you left them for too long due to the exhaustion of day in and day out school work on top of babysitting on top of homework on top of housework on top of placating your parents just enough to get them to fuck off, your mother would storm in and scream at you, waking you all up. As they, say "misery loves company". After the fifth time it happened, you got accustomed to getting at most four hours of sleep each night.

Sometimes Juniper would offer his help where he could but his anger issues usually meant that his patience wore thin very quickly with a kid who couldn't communicate why they were crying.

You tended to all of V's needs. When they screamed and tossed around you got a bottle for them. When they needed changing, you were there. You gave the same sort of treatment to the triplets and to Juniper in less babying ways. Juniper wasn't that much younger than you, after all.

Amar was entirely different. Always so calm. Always so tender. Sure, she cried and fussed sometimes but what baby didn't? She was always smiles and sunshine as a kid. V was clingy and needy. You liked feeling needed, so that worked for you. Still, as V grew up you couldn't help but continue to wait for them to break out in a fit in their sleep. Perhaps that's what got you in the habit of watching your siblings sleep, in the same way that you were doing to Amaryllis.

Tresses of H/C hair lay scattered about her. Over her face, across her pillow... somehow, she always ended up in weird positions, but that was probably down to the reason she fell asleep in the first place. She got so caught up in whatever anime she was into that week, that she fell asleep as it played on her laptop. You supposed that the games of dodgeball from earlier truly had her tuckered out. She didn't even take a shower, yet. Well, she could do that in the morning.

"Goodnight, my ditzy dear," You whispered soothingly to her.

You ran a finger along her strangely outstretched arm, tracing the curve of her elbow. So sad that you had to leave her. A part of you was still worried about her waking up in the middle of the night and heading to your room, only to find you not there. But you resolved that of all the nights, it would be too unlucky for it to happen on this one.

You turned off the lights and closed the door.

Your room was quiet and with the gratefulness of being close to getting another couple commissions done (earlier in the evening, you had managed to finish the colour and a few and all that was left for some was shading, but it got boring focusing on one image at a time so you tended to swap between them on occasion), you decided this was the cause of celebration. 

As you entered your room, it seemed like someone across the city read your mind as your phone buzzed on your desk. Your eyes darted between your beloved cat son and the phone. On your bed, Garrett seemed to be having a catnap. Best not to bother him, then. You wandered over, aimlessly, and picked up your phone. Hm. Strange. An unknown number and a message from Ben. You opened Ben's text.

Ben
sorry for rattin u out

forgive me

You
Ummm what do you mean
you ratted me out?

Ben
U mean she hasnt texted u yet?

Weird she seemed real eagre

eager*

A sinking feeling appeared in the pit of your stomach. You felt like you already knew the answer to that, what with the unknown number.

You
Who?

Ben
The vixen

You shut your eyes tightly and willed it not to be true. But when you opened your eyes again, the message was still there, clear as day on your phone screen. He'd given your number out. To Ciel. Of all the people. It could've been a creepy murderer and you would've complained less.

Ciel was fine but you preferred to keep contact with her at a distance. She wasn't your friend and you didn't intend to make her one. She was fun to talk to, she was quite funny and all of her stories were really interesting, but having her number seemed like a step out of the professional world. A step out of your comfort zone. It made you a little uncomfortable.

You
Why did you do that?

Ben
Bro u deserve to unwind

She was lookin 4 u 2day u know?

Shes hot. Ur hot. She cares about u
even if she pretends she dont

U guys should go make sweet music
2gether already. U'd make a cute
couple.

You
I'm not interested in her.

Ben
Not at all?

You
Nope

Ben
Not even a little bit?

You
She's nice but our
interests don't allign.

Ben
Relationships arent business
transactions Y/N

Way 2 take the romance outta it

You
That's not the point.

Ben
Even still u got like no
friends sides me

Ouch.

Ben
U dont hafta like her but u could
give her a chance for friendship

You
Thank you, Ben. I appreciate your
concern. But please, don't worry
about me. I'm fine on my own.

I'll take what you said
into consideration

You would not be taking what he said into consideration.

Okay, maybe a little bit.

Ben
Thx man u know I just want
u to be happy bro

I respect that ur not totally
sure just yet. Take ur time

Have a good one bro

At least he was respectful about it... though, to be fair, that was just the bare minimum. He still did wrong by you, no doubt, and you weren't so enthusiastic to forgive him immediately. Still, this was a step in the right direction.

You closed off his messages with a sigh. You knew that Ben had good intentions but that was still a massive overstep on his part. Talking with Ciel after work hours could only lead to trouble. You weren't so sure you were keen on what kin. You already had your Sweetheart, Amar, Garrett and an upcoming meeting with Zephyr to worry about. You couldn't afford to add anything more to your already packed schedule.

Still, you resigned yourself to fate and opened up the unknown message's number. Just as you thought. Ciel was the one sending you these messages. You thought it might've been some scammer before Ben had dropped enough blatant hints at you.

Unknown Number
heyyyyy this y/n?

You contemplated lying for a moment but decided against it. You had gotten into this mess through Ben. You were sure you'd find some way to drag him down with you at some point or another.

You
Yep. Ms Ciel?

As you waited for a response you decided to quietly start getting ready for your late-night escapades. With any luck, she wouldn't respond to you at all until tomorrow. You pulled your hoodie over your shoulders and then yanked your mouthguard up before kneeling down to your backpack at filling it with the stalker essentials. You tried to remain as quiet as possible as you did so.

Speaking of quiet, you were once again reminded to put your phone on silent when it buzzed with a response. Just a few minutes after the first text? Didn't she give you advice or something about not looking too desperate? Regardless, you checked what she had to say.

Unknown Number
I told you to call me lucy!

'Lucy' was just too informal for your liking. Especially knowing what it meant to her. You elected to ignore her statement.

You
Was there something you needed?

Unknown Number
thought i'd check up on ya

you never skip work. must be serious

You
How would you know that?

Unknown Number
are you saying Im wrong?

You
Fair enough.

Unknown Number
you good tho my dude?

You
I'm fine for the most part, now.

Unknown Number
cool! then maybe you'd be down to
go to a party a couple of my college
friends are having?

we'll just be hanging out at a house
party then bouncing to go on a bar
crawl. if you're interested.

 

You bit your thumbnail in anticipation. This was not what you had expected. Parties weren't really your scene. You'd never been to one. You never knew where to put your hands when you were talking to someone, let alone how to act in a public area filled with people you didn't know.

You
No thank you but thanks
for the offer, Ciel.

Unknown Number
ohhh cmon!

loosen up a bit!

it'll be fun, I swear! and I won't ditch
you or anything if that's what you're
scared about.

You
I wasn't scared, but now I am
because you mentioned it.

Unknown Number
c'mon! youre always such a
stick in the mud. you never
go out.

You
I never want to.

Unknown Number
correction. you never had a
reason to. until me.

you're welcome btw

You
Um? Thanks?

What reason would I have for
doing any of this, again?

Unknown Number
because we're friends and you
wanna hang w/ your friend!

because were friends

You
I never said that.

Unknown Number
always playing hard to get

smh after everything
I do for you...

You
Alright, fine. I give.

We're alright.

Unknown Number
kaayyyyy but thats still not you
agreeing to go to the partyyyy...

You
Ever thought I left that
part out for a reason?

Namely, because I'm
NOT agreeing?

Unknown Number
impossible

c'mon

cmmooooooooonnnn

You already knew you were going to say "no", no matter what. Like it or not, though, you were having a bit of fun with this back and forth. You and Ciel tended to have fun back and forth like this all the time. And even if you wouldn't really consider her your friend, you still liked her to some degree. She could be pushy and sometimes she didn't know how to respect boundaries, but she was an alright person.

You had much bigger things to worry about rather than some party. But a part of you... kind of wanted to go? She wasn't kidding when she said you never had a reason to go out. Ciel found it easy to read people like that. She read Jess and she read you like an open book. No matter how much you tried to keep the pages closed, she found a way into the restricted section and opened up your brain like no one else had been able to. On multiple occasions, you even found yourself inwardly willing to open up to her (not that you ever did, but sometimes you wanted to, and that was enough to be scary).

She was a genuine and fun person. She usually said things as they were. However... innately sexual they may have been. But there was something admirable about it.

But you really had places to be, and she'd probably keep harassing you all evening if you didn't say something to the effect of "maybe". So, you decided that you'd give her something non-commital and then excuse yourself to 'sleep' as you turned your phone on vibration and zipped up your backpack.

You
I'll think about it.

Unknown Number
yeeessss!

you'll have tons of fun
I promise.

You
Hey, I never said yes!

Don't get it twisted!

Unknown Number
ohh there are many things I'd
like to twist, Y/N~

Oh... GOOD LORD. Not the fucking squiggly line. You'd seen enough furry roleplays to know where this was going. It couldn't go anywhere good.

You
And that's where we're ending
this conversation.

Unknown Number
are you partial to
hair pulling?

You
Bruh

Unknown Number
what about ecstasy?

You
Do I look like the type to be
into drugs, Ciel?

Unknown Number
woah there tiger

you make it sound like
black tar heroine!

You
It's addictive all the same.

Unknown Number
Kay fine...

having sex on ecstasy is
mind blowing tho 😏😏

You
When did I ask?

Where are the askers, Ciel?

Unknown Number
ok, ok I get it. drugs
are off the table

what about cuffs?
you into bondage?

You
No more of this

Unknown Number
I'll take that as a yes!

You
Take that as a please stop

Unknown Number
I have flavored lube 🤔

You
Its like my words phase
right through you

Unknown Number
nurse roleplay?

you look like someone who needs
some TLC every once in a while

did you get hugged enough
as a child?

You
Why are you like this

Unknown Number
Im just trying to get a good FEEL
for what you're into... thats all

You
Sus.

I gotta go. Long day ahead of me.

Unknown Number
get welll soooooon!

see ya on you're next shift!

I have some special plans now...
thanks for the insight my dude 😏

You
No thanks

Unknown Number
Im serious! My friend has a dungeon
I think youll be interested in...

You
What an awful day to have
eyes and read that message.

Unknown Number
Haha! fine! Ill leave you alone

sweet dreams! I'll be
waiting for you 😘😘

You
Just for that, I'm gonna have
nightmares.

On purpose.

Unknown Number
Your loss 💅

You
I beg to differ.

Unknown Number
then beg.

You
Goodbye, Ciel. Have
a good evening

Unknown Number
oof! so cold.

good night Y/N

think of me 😉

You
I refuse.

Thank the Lord. That was one social interaction done with. Hopefully, you could find some way to get Ciel to not talk to you outside of work. Curse Ben and his dumb extrovert self. He clearly just wanted to wingman you and give you a shot with a hot girl. That didn't mean what he did was right, though. You quickly shot him a text explaining that before shutting off your phone screen.

Maybe tomorrow would be better. This was one of the reasons you didn't trust him, though. As kind and funny as he was, he had his flaws. He just didn't know when he had crossed the line with you. You intended to keep him at arm's length. Hopefully, you'd do a better job of clarifying that with him in the future. Hopefully.

You turned off the lights in your room, closed off your laptop, and shut off your phone. For a moment, the light of the moon outside caught on the metallic outer shell of your flash drive sat on your desk. Before you had even sat down with your commissions earlier, you had been transferring the photos on your phone of your beloved to the brand new flash drive. You had been enjoying staring at them in between bouts of work at... well, work. But Ben nearly caught you once and you had resolved to not make that mistake again.

Plus, with him constantly on your mind, you were always distracted. You couldn't risk people finding those pictures on your phone, either. It was best to not have the temptation there. You picked up the flash drive and slid it under your bed, where the rest of your less than normal things related to your recent obsession were. Then, you made your exit out into the night.

Passing by the first place you met, you almost stopped in your tracks. Your cheeks warmed in remembrance of finding Garrett and that utter relief flushing through your body. And then you saw him. Running those large hands gently over your cat with an endearing look in his eyes. He really cared about this animal he'd only ever seen once. And when he looked up at you, the whole world seemed to vanish. And it was just you and him. Him and those diamond-like eyes gazing into your own.

He called you cute. He seemed genuinely intrigued with what you had to say. He was perfect. Everything about him was utterly perfect. Perfect for you. Sure, he likely had his flaws but you were keen to learn everything about him, including those imperfections. You were keen to accept him- all of him- for what he was. Who he was.

You couldn't wait to allow his name to slip passed your lips before you pressed a kiss into his forehead, embracing him in your arms as he embraced you back by choice. Because he, too, would be utterly infatuated with you. If you could just have a chance to make him happy...

Blue petals fluttered in the breeze passed you, chilling you through your very own jacket. It almost reminded you of the bouquet your Sweetheart had that morning.

. . .

You had contemplated drugging his drinks in the past. It wasn't anything against him, but if he woke up you were sure he wouldn't understand your affections. You were sure he'd be scared and push you away or get the police involved. Plus, it seemed like he already had melatonin so it wouldn't be much of a stretch to say he took some and fell asleep. In your mind, there weren't many downsides to this idea.

Now, you were wishing you really had drugged the drink he had before settling into bed.

After a few hours of watching him through his window, a longing sensation pulling the strings in your chest, pressing a hand against the glass of the window, you finally deemed the gentle and slowed pattern of his breathing to be slumber and slipped into his room silently. And for a while, you were right. You took some tasteful photos (as you had done on your outing with him, even if he didn't know you were with him at the time) and you ran your fingers along the exposed skin of his neck. 

On his bedside table were the flowers he had bought earlier. At least you knew now that he wasn't planning on giving them to someone else. Some fucking bitch that didn't deserve his love, let alone his time. He deserved so much better. Nobody in this world was good enough for him.

Sighing softly, you wondered what it would be like if he gave you flowers. Or- no, maybe you should get him flowers instead. After all, he liked them. A little gift could go a long way. Maybe that was a nice idea for introducing yourself... if you wanted to look like a massive creep.

You shook the idea away. Flowers? Maybe. If you ever got to go on a date with him, yes. But for now? No. It would be too much. 

You found yourself fantasising about all the wonderful things you could do together in the future. Walk through that park he loved so much while clasping one another's hands, gaze into each other's eyes as the sun set over the horizon, maybe even do the cheesy dance in the rain that all the romcoms seemed to have a scene of. You could almost imagine serving him breakfast in bed, much to his warm delight. Maybe he'd even let you lean forward with the fork in your hand and press the food into his mouth.

Maybe he'd even let you lean up against him while you were watching a movie together, and slowly close your eyes drifting off into a comforting sleep. Any sleep would be comforting. As long as he was by your side. Until the very end.

Nobody else could have him. No one else but you. He was yours. You would make sure of it. No matter what. No matter the cost. No matter who you had to hurt, who's blood you had to shed, whoever got in your way deserved it. They all deserved to fucking die.

Your harsh gaze softened as you leaned over him, tempted to press your lips into his just to know what it would feel like. It already felt like generations since you first saw him. You so desperately wanted to make your dreams a reality, but every day you spent away from him, not talking to him like a normal person made you wonder if you could ever even have a normal relationship with him. You'd certainly been failing on all fronts in this regard. You still didn't even have a plan on how you were going to meet him again. You had no idea how you were going to insert yourself into his life.

Would just bump into him and spill your coffee all over him like in the movies? No, that seemed far too annoying and cliche.

Maybe you could casually meet him at the park and make conversation, then invite him out to the diner your sister liked (Del's Dumb Diner? No... why would they call their own Diner stupid?). No, approaching him out of nowhere might come off as suspicious.

You could use your cat to get his attention, but letting Garrett lose could pose a risk to his health and you'd never do that, no matter how much you loved this man.

Lord, why was it so hard for you...? You loved him. You utterly adored him. Even being there in his room, taking in his gorgeous, sleeping face, wrapping your arms around his still and quiet frame was a testament to your everlasting devotion. You'd do anything for him. Absolutely anything. It hurt that he was so blind to these commitments of yours, but you knew you only had yourself to blame for that. This is why your situation was so debilitatingly frustrating.

If you had confessed by now- skipped all the stalking stuff, and on the day you saw him walking home, you had walked up to him and spoken to him, you could already be sitting together and watching a movie. You could already have known his name. Known who he was, known his interests and his favourite things. Instead, you opted for the creepy route, and you couldn't go back now. Not when you were enjoying it.

He was so beautiful. So peaceful. Sleeping under the ghost of your touch along the skin of his side, shown only because his shirt had ridden up while he lay there, tranquil...

Why did that have to change? 

It was a moment. All it took was a moment. His eyes groggily opened as a giggle slipped passed his lips. Shit. You had made a grievous mistake. A rookie error anybody experienced in the craft would have considered.

He was fucking ticklish.

What a stupid fucking mistake. Well- it was cute, and you loved hearing his laugh and this information was certainly something you'd be filing away for later- however, he was awake now because you'd made the dumbest mistake in the book. Because of course you did.

Cursing yourself, you darted away as silently as possible. But he must've registered the movement on the bed. Shit. His head turned to you, eyes wide in the dark. You jolted. Another mistake. The quick movement had him urgent. He was going to find you. HE WAS GOING TO FIND YOU. NO NO NO. Then he'd know! He was going to see you in his room. He'd know you were there. He was going to hate you forever! YOU WERE DONE FOR. FUCKING DONE FOR. You were about to lose the love of your life, watching as he slipped between your fingers because of your own foolish mistakes. NO! PLEASE NO!

The lamp switched on. A golden light illuminated the quiet room. He blinked, blearily. There was a tingling in his skin. When he checked his alarm clock, he saw that it had only been a couple hours since he initially fell asleep. He had been having such a nice dream, too. A quiet, gentle, whispering breath on his neck, a thumb moving down his jaw. It was you. He only ever dreamed of you recently.

His eyes scanned the room. There was that feeling he had every once in a while that pricked goosebumps up his arms. That gnawing instinct in the back of his mind, so primal and deep-rooted for generations. The essence of survival. 

The feeling of being watched.

In an instant, he was up from his bed, though he tried to play it casual, he was suddenly hyperaware of his broken window lock, something he thought wouldn't be an issue since he had various skills in the department of defending himself. Suddenly, he wasn't so sure. His gaze locked in on his rustled bed sheets. There was someone here. He just knew there was.

Slowly and deliberately, he kneeled down and looked under the bed.

.

.

.

Nothing. Maybe it was the sleep deprivation, but he definitely thought he saw a figure in the darkness when he had been waking up. Being a horror film aficionado, he shouldn't have brushed the idea away so quickly. The main characters in those slasher movies always ended up dying quickly because of their ignorance and willingness to put aside the abnormal. But Peter was not exactly normal, himself.

He didn't want to let it go so soon. He looked out the window, glare hardening at the alleyway view of a brick wall. Nothing was technically out of place, but nobody could out-stalk a stalker. Just to be sure, he left the room to investigate the rest of the apartment.

His gaze met Rat's, his cute hognose snake who he loved dearly. Rat had been with him through thick and thin. While he couldn't even rely on his own family, his snake had been there for him... even though said snake didn't exactly have the emotional intelligence to deal with human issues. He was still comforted by her presence. Rat was awake at this time of night. Peter raised a metaphorical brow at her, sitting in her tank in the main room. Rat let her tongue slither out and rattle in the air before she settled again.

Rat was going to be no help in his search for an intruder. Still, there weren't many places someone could hide in his tiny apartment.

This was the worst. He had been having such a lovely dream of his Darling. Watching you giggle as he said some cheesy line and grasped your hand in his as you stared into his eyes. Now, the very idea was just making him depressed. Sinking into his dreams was his own escape from the unfortunate and endlessly cruel reality that he still had yet to find you.

He hadn't given up hope, though. Just remembering that day gave him enough determination to push onward. After all, you had shown him what it meant to be happy. He had never felt this way about anyone before- he'd never even had a crush on anyone before. Until you. This had to be destiny. You had to be the one.

And once he'd found you, he'd never let you go again. Who knew what kind of trouble you may have involved yourself with accidentally in his absence? While you weren't with him, you were unprotected from the dangers of this world. It broke his heart... the idea that you could be hurt and begging for help. If only he was there. If only he knew where you were. It wasn't fair.

He needed you...

He would have you. Eventually. Soon. Very soon. You were meant to be with him. He was made for you. And one day, you'd see that. You'd accept him for everything he was, for his deep, obsessive love. You were his everything, the reason he lived and breathed each day. He only existed to meet you- to love you. To be with you.

He'd find you, soon. It was inevitable.

You let out a shaky breath behind your mouthguard, pressed into the ceiling. It was easy to hide in the places he wouldn't consider searching for you. His room was small and open, meaning there were few places to hide. He felt as though he didn't really need to look around too closely, because he would've seen them. That was his mistake. That he knew of, at least. Right above him as he checked underneath the bed, slipping into the shadows that the light couldn't reach in the corner of the room and holding your breath until he left. He felt as though he didn't really need to look around too closely, because he would've seen the intruder if they were stalking in the corner of the room. His gaze only levelled along the wall and ground, in search for a breathing soul. That was his mistake. If he had just looked a few inches upwards in the dingy light that hardly reached each side of the room, flickering due to faulty electricity... he would've caught your eyes watching him in the dark.

Fortunately, his gaze was more honed in on the desk in his room. The only other hiding place. You had thought about going there. For a split second, in your flurry of panic. But of course, from his placement he would've easily caught you. Thankfully, he was paranoid and in a rush to find any intruders, so after a once over he hastily left the room and searched elsewhere- leaving you behind.

For a moment, you thought he had you there. It was sort of funny that he checked under the bed. Like you were some sort of boogey man. Maybe you were. You were pretty much what a lot of people would call an irrevocable monster by your actions.

But your actions were nothing compared to what you were thinking, planning in that sinister mind of yours.

The chloroform was right there, in your pocket. Digging into your side and taunting you. You had been reaching for it. You had wanted to use it. You could've jumped down behind him and caught him by surprise as he checked under his bed. But you faltered. You hesitated.

'What's the point of any of this if you're not willing to go all the way, Y/N?' You chastised yourself.

But it was almost as though using it would take you beyond the point of no return. Why was that so bad? You weren't totally sure anymore. Maybe a while ago you'd have had a proper reason. Maybe. But you didn't really recall that part of yourself. It was crazy what delving into the pits of your obsession had done to you in only a couple weeks. You wondered what sort of monster you'd become once you spent more time like this. Were you even scared if that, anymore? Of losing yourself to this insanity? You weren't totally sure. 

Internally kicking yourself as you climbed across his ceiling towards the window, you made your speedy exit. You were lucky. Just lucky. He had been inches away from discovering the truth. He had been moments away from totally uncovering you. He had been just seconds away from hating you for eternity.

If things had went that South, you had your chloroform at the ready, but it just wouldn't be the same. You had barely gotten to see the way he interacted in the wild. You hadn't even got to see for yourself what he enjoyed doing when no one was around. The things he'd never tell anyone.

He was such a tease.

You left almost as soon as you went out the window. You couldn't risk him finding you. He'd be on guard for the rest of the night, you were sure of it. The best thing you could do in the meantime was leave it alone. As much as it pained you, you left him be and went home.

It took everything in you to not go back. To not grasp him by the arm and explain how dramatically and totally in love with him you were. That you wanted to be with him. It was so nerve-wracking just being in the same room with him while he was awake. It was so strange to see the blink of his eyes in such close proximity to you, utterly unaware that you were right above him, mere inches away.

It was a miserable evening. A miserable defeat. Utterly miserable, all of it. Your only salvation was delving your nose into the sweet fabrics of the shirt you had stolen from his laundry pile. It was so rich with his scent like it had been freshly doused in a shower of his bodily aroma. It was intoxicating. Utterly potent with the smell of cigarette smoke and freshly sprayed, musky cologne. You wished it was the real him, locked in your welcoming embrace.

You couldn't wait to introduce yourself. You hoped you could do it soon. You longed for his touch, for his presence, his voice, his love, his everything. You wanted him. You needed him.

You needed to act soon, or else this really might be too much to take.

Holding his shirt to your face, you clutched it hard and tried to sleep peacefully. You really tried to imagine that you were back in his room, wrapping your arms around his lanky frame while he was peaceful and none the wiser to your blatant transgression of his home and boundaries. 

One day, you'd be able to hold him close to you for real. That was the day when he'd be all yours. And nobody would stand in your way. Nobody. You'd have him. No matter the cost.

Chapter Text

How the fuck did this happen?

How? Why? Why him? Why your beloved, who belonged solely to you?

It could've been anyone. It could've been a local, a cute barista or a guy working the graveyard shift at the gas station. It could've been fucking Ben. But no. Of all the people in the world, she'd chosen to encroach on your territory. She'd chosen your Sweetheart. Of all the people in the world, why him? Why the person you loved more than life itself? Why him??

Why why why why why why why WHY?!

You wanted to tear her eyelashes out one by one and stomp her ribcage in, splintering the bones. You wanted to grab her by the hair and smash her face into a rocky, uneven wall until she had less of a face and more of a gory, meaty mess instead so that he never had to look at that disgusting thing again. You wanted to turn her into less of a person and more of a nightmare. A miscellaneous collection of organs on the ground. Ruining her pretty little body with a knife, flaying into her sides.

It would be much too easy. To peel her skin away with a box cutter like she were a potato. She fucking looked like one, too. So god damned ugly. How dare she even look at him. How dare she look into his blue irises and gaze into his big, beautiful eyes.

He deserved so much better than her. So much better than what anyone could give to him. She couldn't have him. You wouldn't let her.

She didn't deserve him. Yet she still had the audacity to give him that pathetic look, to twiddle her thumbs and bat her eyelashes like the wings of some mutant bottle fly.

You wanted to dismember her. To tear her fucking skeleton out of her mouth. To shoot her in the skull over and over until her eyeballs became soup and her brain matter was splattered across the wall in a violent display of viscera.

Okay, recap:

After the mishap at your beloved's house, you made careful sure not to make such a rookie mistake again. This was your first time stalking, so you hadn't really considered that something so small could mess up your entire plan until such a close call. But you vowed not to make the same stupid mistake again.

For a few days after that, you observed him at a distance. You stayed outside his windows and refrained from entering. You didn't want to alert him to your presence again. You had to wait until he considered the entire incident down to his own imagination. But he was intent on not letting his guard down. Over the next week, you had watched his walls slowly coming down, however. You supposed he might've chalked the incident down to his sleep deprivation. Without you there, he had been losing sleep but he didn't take any medication for it.

He had been talking to more people this week, you noticed. And over time you had grown to recognise the little quirks about his facial expressions. More often than not, he was on his computer. From what you could see from the screen, he was looking for someone. A family member, maybe? He seemed to be close to tearing his (non-existent) hair out over it. Maybe that person was who the flowers were for. Either way, you knew that you had to keep a closer eye on him now more than ever. If he found this person- his potential romantic partner- then you had to be ready to take whatever action necessary.

The people currently in his life, however, you decided you didn't have much to worry about. Not until recently.

You were just waiting for him outside but came to realise he was taking a while to come out of the apartment. So, you did the usual routine of climbing up the building and hiding in the staircase. Turns out, he was having a conversation with his landlord. He was an old, wrinkly man with bushy eyebrows and sunspots on his stark pale skin. You noticed the way your Sweetheart's face seemed almost carved out of granite with how still it was during the conversation.

You were relieved to understand that your Sweetheart wasn't very much of a people's person and just sort of brushed people off behind a poorly concealed veil of annoyance. You were a bit of an introvert yourself, but not in the same way. He seemed to genuinely hate the people in his life. You didn't really mind the ones in yours, you just preferred to be with your siblings instead. You still tried to act friendly.

His displays of irritability truly frightened you. Seeing him act this way really reminded you of your own encounter with him. You simply must have annoyed him with your mindless rambling. He must've been so keen to get away from you. It made you feel utterly depressed. How were you ever going to get back into his life if he preferred to stick to himself? Maybe the irritability was down to his depression. That would explain the restless sleep, the immediate paranoia, the lack of a proper food cycle, and him pushing everyone away.

Oh, no... that made you feel so empty inside. To think all this time he had been suffering and you had been doing nothing... you assured yourself that you were going to get in there as soon as possible and save him from the dark pit he had sunk into. You'd be his guardian angel and pull him out. It would take some work and a lot of trust, but you had the patience to take care of and listen to others.

Still, on the bright side, this did mean that not many people would miss him if you took him, and he wouldn't miss many people in turn. The perfect kind of situation for you. The fewer people keen to butt in on your business, the better. The fewer reasons he had to try and leave you, the better.

His stupid landlord also hadn't told him about the blind spot in their already god awful security in the rooftop access. Either way, your beloved wasn't too interested in the topic. You had been hoping to catch his name, but you had gotten to the conversation too late, apparently. You wanted to know what sort of name he had, to obsess over, to blush over, the name you'd whisper into his side at night, as he wrapped his arms around you. The name you'd see on your marriage certificate.

On another negligible note, your beloved also had some druggie, eccentric neighbour that occasionally tried to talk to him. You could see the clear annoyance on his face and he didn't try to hide it from this guy. The only issue was he was too high to pick up on the hints to leave him alone. He was overly friendly and tried to put his arm around your Sweetheart, who quickly shoved him off, thank the Lord. You couldn't stand seeing that fucker's grubby fingers staining your beloved's pure and gentle skin. Your beloved always found a clever escape, bless him. You decided that fucking cocaine addict wasn't anything to worry about.

There was only one concern you had. And that was... her.

Another one of his fucking neighbours. Now, he didn't seem to give her the time of day but that didn't stop her disgusting revolting nails from trying to dig into him like a Sunday meal. She very clearly had a crush on him. This fucking twat. How dare she. How dare she even think about it!

It was just a normal day of stalking him. It was your day out and Amar was hanging out with friends (and she had gotten a little bit suspicious at how enthusiastic you were about letting her go, since you usually clung to her before she did... but you could figure out an excuse for that later) so you were free for the day. You had been watching him since early morning just outside his window. When he woke up and went about his morning routine, sluggish and sad, you watched with a heavy heart. He left the apartment without even bothering to do any recordings or editing. You supposed he was done for the week as you waited outside for him.

But then, he was taking so long and you were beginning to get a little frightened. What if he had fallen down the stairs? What if a druggie hit him with something? What if he hit into a fight?! So many awful possibilities and you weren't there to protect him.

You snuck into the roof and then crept down the stairs. And once you hid in the shadows, that's where you saw her. In the doorway of her apartment, dressed for the day with a small look of concern on her face and something flickering behind those distorted eyes of hers. Admiration. Oh. Hell. No. Like fuck you were going to let some bitch take him away! He deserved so much better! SHE WAS TRYING TO STEAL HIM AWAY FROM YOU.

"... Are you okay?" Her voice was sickly sweet, just bordering on shrill.

It made you want to fucking vomit.

"I'm fine," Your Sweetheart's voice echoed out into the air, thick like honey drizzled over something sweet and delectable.

God, he was perfect.

"Are you sure?" She had been leaning on the doorframe, short brown hair pulled into a small ponytail.

She had an undercut. She looked disgusting. Plump, pink lips, a work shirt on and some jeans. Had she even showered? You couldn't smell her from where you were but you imagined that she was utterly foul. Your Sweetheart didn't seem to notice. In fact, he seemed almost out of it. Like he wanted to leave quickly.

You could sympathise with him. She was annoying and you'd want to leave her, too. Sadly, he was being held back. She stood up properly and stepped towards him. He barely noticed, it was like his eyes were dim with the loss of the light that was once in them. Your heart screamed. You just wanted to go out there and hold him, to tell him everything would be okay. Who had done this to him? How could anybody hurt your beloved like this?

It was when she put her hand on his arm that you nearly lost control. An uncontrollable tidal wave of rage washed over you, unbridled and murderous. You nearly shot out and removed her jugular with your teeth, if you hadn't noticed the way he flinched from her touch.

She faltered fucking good. Then she took a step back. It calmed your nerves immediately. Clearly, he was not interested in her. But even you had seen people get worn down by others until they eventually conceded to a date or something. You could not let this be the case with your Sweetheart. He was yours and nobody else's. If this bitch managed to sink her teeth into him... who knows what she'd do.

Drag him down to the pits of misery with her and force him to drink in the same despair she felt every day? He was already suffering. He deserved only the best things in life. You wanted to go in there already. To assert yourself, to show him that you could give him everything. But first, this punk needed to go.

"I'm alright, Jane. Really..." He trailed off like he was going to say something else, before letting out a sigh.

"Well... there's probably not much I can do to help..." Yeah, because you've never helped anybody in your wasteful life.

He was better off without her. Everyone was better off without her. Without this 'Jane' woman or whatever her stupid name was. She'd likely been a burden her whole life, useless and taking up precious oxygen that could've been given to someone that actually mattered.

"But I can listen. You listened to me when I needed it..."

He looked at her, but even as he did it was like he was seeing through her. You narrowed your eyes. Even just seeing his gaze focus on this girl that clearly wanted him wanted to run her nasty fingers all over his pure and untainted skin made you get that urge deep inside again. It would be so easy to run in there and smash her brains into the corner of her doorframe, splitting her skull open and letting her grey matter spill out onto the ground. Then, you could turn to your boyfriend just as quickly and knock him out with the chloroform you had handy.

Neither of them would expect it. Neither of them had seen you. They wouldn't have time to prepare themselves, and then they'd be dead. You could frame the murder on your Sweetheart- plant the evidence in his apartment, take him home and lock him up. Even if he wanted to leave you, he'd be unable to, since you were all he could rely on to live with the whole police force searching for him.

You could probably take the snake, too... though you'd need to figure out a living situation for her. It would take more planning...

"I'm..." He sighed, giving in, "I'm looking for someone."

"Oh?" She folded her arms beneath her breasts, pushing them up so that they looked bigger (What the hell was wrong with this girl?? or was it just your imagination? Were you going insane from jealousy?), straightening her posture, "Who?"

"Just... someone. And I can't find them."

"Are they a long lost family member or something?"

He didn't answer for a good while, but you had leaned in, keen to hear his response.

"I can't-..." He inhaled deeply before sighing, "I need to take a walk... sorry."

He shook his head and started leaving. The girl's reaction was deeply delayed. She watched him head down the stairs and went to give chase but stopped as soon as she passed the threshold of the doorway, watching him go.

"Wait! I-I was wondering if-"

But he clearly wasn't listening. And her question tapered off. Obviously, she was going to be inquiring about a time and a place for a meetup or some bullshit. You were glad he wasn't listening, that he cut her off. She deserved it.

You had spent weeks observing him and she thought she could just come in and swoop him out from under your nose? Whisk him away on some fairytale romance? Yeah. Fucking. Right. As if you'd let her get anywhere NEAR HIM.

Sadly, you hadn't gotten there in time to hear the beginning of the conversation. But you knew enough. Even she- who didn't and would never know him as well as you did- had noticed his depressive signs. He must've been feeling especially depressed recently. You could only theorise it was down to this business of not having found someone. Jane had immediately guessed that it was a family member, and judging by his response you were inclined to believe the same (or maybe it was wishful thinking?).

It was starting to irk you that you didn't even know this man's name. The man who you were so deeply and terribly in love with that you'd be willing to go to this extent to have him all to yourself. And you still didn't know what he was called.

This was bullshit!

"Now wouldn't be the time to ask..." You barely heard her mutter to herself as she backed towards her apartment.

Downstairs, the door to the apartment building shut loudly. Some distant voice in the back of your mind was screaming to give chase or to quickly annihilate this girl. There were no cameras, no security. It would be easy to crush her under your heel like the insignificant bug that she was.

"He's busy... he's..." She sniffled and rubbed her eyes, muttering to herself.

Your hand was shaking with contempt but you steadied it with your other, watching her retreat into her apartment with a solemn expression. She sunk on to her couch, slumping against the back- she was even close to crying. You didn't feel anything for her- well, aside from the obvious crackling rage that roiled beneath your skin, simmering in your blood.

You could've gone in there if you wanted. You could've- No, no! No. You had to think about this carefully.

You needed to have a plan.

Your Sweetheart's stuff was already packed up and ready to go, pretty much. If any of his neighbours got murdered then he'd probably run for the hills. He'd get his shit together and find a new, low budget place in the city.

Your heart still felt heavy seeing his saddened expression. He even struggled to answer phone calls from this one incessant person who was starting to get on your nerves with how frequently they bothered your beloved. Couldn't they just leave him alone?? Well, you supposed not considering from what you listened in on (it was for his own safety! What if he was being blackmailed or something?? You had to eavesdrop- it was for his own good! And you had done so very anxiously) it was work related. He didn't do his editing alone apparently.

Professional relationships were good. They were good. Good. Mhm. Yes.

It didn't worry you at all. You were very calm just... thinking about it. Thinking about that one element of his life that you didn't fully know about. About this co-worker shrouded in mystery. Thankfully, your beloved seemed very terse with them, veiled under a friendly mask. He spoke with a smile over the phone but when he hung up, he went back to looking so solemn and drained.

Some co-worker that guy was if they couldn't tell the difference! But it was strange, he never got calls from family or friends. Just work. It made you worry. Didn't he have people behind him? A support system? Sure, you could be every faculty of support he needed but you weren't really... in his life yet. You were just around it, hovering. An outsider looking in. If he didn't at least have a parent or a sibling looking out for him then... was he really all alone?

You just wanted to hug him, squeeze him close and let him know he was loved. He must've been lonely for a very long time. Maybe that's why he got a pet snake. That was sort of the reason you got a pet cat.

Moreover, if he had family then surely they wouldn't have let him live in the dump he was living in... it was a very pathetic, little place he that called home. If he was living with you, you never would've let things get this bad! You'd give him a whole room to put his stuff, if you could. A nice, open and warm space for his snake and you'd liven up the place with some house plants for him. He also needed some proper curtains! Who knew what kind of creeps could go looking through his windows?

Aside from you, of course... but... you didn't count. You had his best interests at heart, so it was different to some random robber casing his place or a pervert watching him change. Even you wouldn't go that far. Maybe that wasn't saying much considering that's just basic human courtesy but at least you had morals and you knew were to draw the line! Others didn't! That's why it was important for you to be there... even if it was illegal and a massive betrayal of trust. He didn't need to know and you felt guilty enough for having to go this far so... so you were even, right?

Right. That's what you told yourself to make yourself feel better.

After spending hours in this area downtown you had gotten quite familiar with it and some of the residents (since you had to be certain you knew who would be in the area during your 'patrol' hours). If he moved, you'd have to get to know a new area. Plus, if he moved, you'd need to follow him.

If he went too far away, you'd be fucked. A worse thought: what if you lost his trail and you never saw him again? No. He needed to stay where you could observe him. Where you knew he had the very basics of safety in his favour. So murder was off the table, especially in the apartment building. It would spook him and other tenants if someone in their building was targeted. You needed to be clever and discrete.

That meant that non-lethal methods were the best course of action from this point forth. But how to get rid of the competition without killing her? Especially since you were fairly sure walking within a four foot radius of her would result in you having another oopsie. Actually, along those lines, maybe she had a diary or something in her apartment. You could flip through and get some information on her.

You had already checked your sweetheart's bedroom thoroughly enough and come up with nothing of the sort (not even a form of identification except... his wallet... but you didn't want to look in there! What if he woke up and found you snooping? Then you'd be looked at as a robber and not the guardian angel you were trying to be! It was a recipe for disaster... besides not knowing his name would be an organic conversation starter for when you finally got the courage to 'bump into him' and have an actual conversation...).

Unfortunately, going into her apartment would mean being around her scent, around her room and honestly you didn't want to deal with that. You were pretty sure you'd end up trashing the place out of rage and what would that do except possibly frighten your beloved and make him move? For the very same reason you couldn't kill her, you had to actually calm down before trying to make any moves to combat her influence on your Sweetheart.

What moves would you even make? Right then, all you wanted to do was mash her chest in with a knife until her lungs were nothing more than bloody pulp foaming out of her ribcage. You wanted to wrap your hands around her neck and watched as she struggled and let out strangled screams, kicking and scratching at your arms as her face turned red and her eyes grew misty.

If you even tried talking to her, you'd probably end up doing something you regretted- click.

Shit, shit, shit!

You quickly pulled away from her window, your hand locking the latch again before you scurried across the wall. Acting without thinking! Again! You chastised yourself in your head, pressing the heels of your wrists against your temples and taking deep breaths. Your body was shaking, your fingers were twitching with the blood-lusting desire to tear something open. Your breath had run ragged. This was bad! This was bad-bad! Shit!

This was all your fault, too! You forgot that allowing yourself to indulge usually came with consequences! The euphoria of being in the same area as him. And the downfall of your ability to hold back against your instincts. But all you could really think when looking at her was prey, prey, prey. And, y'know, 'kill, death' all that sort of edgy stuff.

It was all very dramatic.

Well, your stupid hindbrain wasn't exactly wrong. She was prey and you were hunting her. But this was not the time to be making stupid decisions! You thought that you'd gotten better at restraining yourself! You thought you were better than this...

Okay. Okay. That just meant that you had to pull back a bit. This was getting too intense. You hadn't had a moment like that in a long time, and in crucial moments like this when you were obviously doing something illegal (even if it was for the greater good, in your opinion) you couldn't risk such things getting the better of you.

You needed a distraction, ASAP. That's why you tore yourself from the building, even if it physically hurt. Even if you hadn't even gotten a glimpse of your soulmate since he returned to his apartment. You should have at least checked on him. Maybe you could still go back- NO. No, no, no. You were being dangerous again. It was one thing stalking him, holding him, those were gentle kindnesses that you did out of your love for him even if it was without his permission. Creepy things, but at least mild on the spectrum of bad to worse.

What you were about to do was off the charts bad. You couldn't risk chasing him away or catching anyone's attention with your nightly activities. Even if it felt awful, like your very soul was being torn in two, it was the better option. So, you dragged yourself away, your mind screaming and fighting against the urge to just turn right around and steer yourself back to the apartment building.

You could... if you wanted to, your brain tempted. But you resisted.

This was a tactical retreat. You could see him tomorrow- no. You'd see him when you had better self-control. When you were sure you wouldn't hurt the little nuisance clinging to him like a lovesick puppy. You would deal with her when you had a clearer head. When you were in the right mind. You could be in the right mind.

You just needed a distraction, something to clear your head and keep you away from her. Then, you'd make a plan when the very thought of her didn't make your vision tint red and the world tilt on it's axis with the overpowering, boiling urge to lob her head off. You weren't in the right state to be making those plans or decisions just yet. So, you had to be patient. Take a quick breather, then go back into the fray once you were calm.

But this was an itch just below the surface, intertwined with your blood and sinking into every fibre of your being like an ichor made of pure wrath and vengeance. The most horrible part about it was the realisation that more than anything, you wanted to give in. This wasn't a 'I don't want to do it but my body is making me' thing. This was a: 'I want to I want to I want to but I can't' thing. The only way to scratch the itch was the violence you so desperately craved but couldn't have. You couldn't.

You needed to keep him. You loved him.

This Jane didn't love him. Not in the way that you did. That was made evident enough by the fact he paid no mind to her. Evident by the fact she hardly fought for him. But see, that's where she and you differed. You were hopelessly devoted to him. You were a creep (a fact you weren't willing to unpack just yet in its entirety), sure, but at least you were willing to take a proper, calculated effort in your approach.

You wanted to be with him. You'd do anything to be with him. And that much was something you were going to set out to prove.

She could cry in her room about him not noticing her advances. You were going to do something useful. You were going to watch her as much as possible until you could stage a plausible meet-up. Then, you were going to string your way into her life and manipulate her into moving on. That way, no blood needed to be shed. That way, you could still be with your beloved.

Why did life have to be so cruel to you? You just wanted to be happy. You just wanted him to love you. How was the fair? How did you come to deserve this? How did HE come to deserve some desperate whore groveling at his feet, drooling at the mere sight of him? Who even was this irrelevant bitch who thought she could cuck you like this? Who dared to even think about him? To even consider themselves worthy?

She had the audacity to think she could make him happy. To think she could take him away from you. The world could fuck itself. The law could be destroyed for all you cared. Human rights get fucked. Society didn't fucking matter. Morals didn't fucking matter. All that mattered to you was that some ugly cunt thought that she could steal away what was rightfully yours.

You were not about to let her touch him, or lay a finger on his skin again. How dare she even think about him?

More than anything, you wanted to destroy what made her happiest in life. To harass her until she couldn't take it anymore. To remove all the things she enjoyed until she couldn't find any peace. Until she couldn't even find the motivation to move, let alone eat or sleep or dress herself. To ruin her life. To make the people she cared about hate her until she felt all alone and trapped in her misery. She fucking deserved it. She deserved that despair for trying to take him away from you.

Or maybe you'd just get your hands dirty. You longed to dig your hands into her gut and pull back all her entrails, disemboweling her and splattering thick splashes of viscera and acid until she was just a sack of skin, emptied out on the concrete. To stab her until she was nothing but a smear on fabric.

You reeled yourself in again, feeling yourself begin to taper off the deep end just as you had worked so hard to pull yourself away. In fact, your feet had stopped and you were almost turning around again. Just to check on him. To watch her. To make sure she didn't do anything she'd later regret by trying to stampede into his life again. No, no, no. You shook your head and forced your arms against your sides. You took a few deep breaths and then kept walking back home.

You had to be better than this. These weren't good thoughts to have. Even you knew that much. You needed to calm down or else you'd do something you regretted. How were you supposed to see him if you were in prison for fucks sake? You needed to be strategic and that meant holding back your seething, impotent rage. The best thing you could do for now was to find some way to unwind. Take your mind off the obsession- just for now!

As much as the idea made your stomach churn, you knew it was for the best. The girl had tainted your thoughts. If you started dwelling on it you might've actually gone after her. You couldn't do that right now.

Unknown Number
what's the status update
on my invite? You wanna
go w/ us?

You
Still on the fence.

Unknown Number
c'moooooooooon!

please make a decision soon!

its in 4 days!

You
I know, I know. I'm just not
sure how well free my schedule
will be. I'm trying to free it up
but my asshole manager is
being himself today

Plus, Garrett doesn't
like me going out.

Unknown Number
c'mon we are way past you
using your cats weird name
as an excuse to get out of
stuff

Plus, your boss sucks. Just
Bunk off work

You
Not all of us can pay the
rent with minimum wage
side jobs, sex and good
morning coffee.

Unknown Number
Well, if you were my
roommate...

You
Never happening

Unknown Number
Never say never

You
I can't believe you're trying
to replace your current
roommate right now.

Unknown Number
I never said that!

what if I meant that we
could do threesomes?!

You
The answer would
still be no thanks.

Unknown Number
youre so vanilla

its terrible.

You
Terribly efficient.

Unknown Number
terribly BORING.

abstinence is a scam!

You
Is THAT what you've been
telling people?

Unknown Number
hey, its true.

also, so what if that's
what I say to ppl?

Im right!!!

You
I'm not shaming you. If
your current arrangement
works, then it works.

Unknown Number
the way things are
is fine Y/N  😉

why dont we stop talking
about me, and start talking
about YOU.

You
There's nothing to say.

Unknown Number
cmon! there's a reason
youre hesitating for this
party, isnt there?

You
Maybe I'm afaid you'll
put the moves on me.

Unknown Number
you hardly complain
when i do 😉

not that I blame you, ofc

I know that Im  hot

You
Sure.

Either way, I'm just waiting.

Unknown Number
for what? the right guy?

boring. no offence.

I wouldnt be suprised
if you were a straight
up virgin tbh

You
I was referring to waiting to
see what my schedule's like
for the day of the party.

But okay.

Unknown Number
wow

theres no sex life in there. no
drama.

what do you even get
up for in the morning?

You
Shockingly, not everyone's life
is completely driven by the
need for drama and sex.

I know. Crazy, right?

Unknown Number
Y/N, drama is the spice of life.

nothing happens w/ you

your life is hella bland, my dude.

its really depressing. youre
depressing everyone

You
That's my name and my game.

Misery loves company!

Unknown Number
I'd love your company,
Y/N 😘 😜💦💦

You
Dude.

Do you ever think before
you type? At this point
I'd just love to get back
to work

Unknown Number
HAH! liar!

everybody hates work!

do you really think I'm
that stupid?

You
That was the hope, yes.

Unknown Number
woooow ok.

I see how it is.

You
Okay, good. Now that that's
cleared up, I better get back
to work.

Unknown Number
quick with the sass today!

fine.

I'll see you there.

You
Oh good lord...

Unknown Number
you dont get to complain!

if you dont want me around I'll
just make your life harder!

You
You know, you're always saying I
need a break, but I think it's you
that really needs a break.

You should take a break from
drinking! Or maybe, just a break
from bothering me!

Unknown Number
Im a paying customer!

You
Yet somehow, I'm paying
the price of having you here

Unknown Number
please.

you love me really.

You
I never said anything
of the sort.

Unknown Number
You were thinking it tho 😉

You
I have never thought that
in my life.

Unknown Number
dont lie to me, I already
know

You
In your deams.

Unknown Number
Ill see you there 😘

You
The only thing you'll be seeing
is a lot of disappointment.

Unknown Number
you really don't play along,
do you, my dude?

always playing hard to get...

You
And my words are going through
one ear and out the other again.

Unknown Number
its denial hours for you ig

You
Dumbass o'clock

Unknown Number
the audacity.

I was joking before but now
Im actually going through
the five stages of grief...

You
Good luck with that.

Unknown Number
youre the one in denial anyway!

You
Impossible

I don't feel emotions so I can't
feel denial

Unknown Number
there you go again denying

its one thing to hide from
your feelings for me but
this is just sad

You
I'm not sad, I don't experience
feelings ever

Unknown Number
certified bruh moment

You sighed inwardly, leaning away from your phone as you shoved it into your pocket, effectively leaving Ciel on read. She'd be pissy about it later.

"Hey! Get back to work!" His voice was deep and blubbery.

It reminded you of a whale. It constantly sounded like there was something in his saggy, drooping cheeks. Actually he reminded you of a walrus- not a whale. You never thought you'd say it since you loved animals to a certain degree... but you were in the market for some specifically targeted animal abuse in those moments.

You hated the grating sound of his stupid voice. You hated the business-like smell wafting off him. You hated seeing his ugly blue tie, faded in colour that could not even begin to match the colour of your beloved's gorgeous, blue moon-like gaze. You hated your manager with a burning passion. Everything about him, there was no redeeming qualities about him whatsoever. Putting him in a casket would be your second greatest achievement only to you managing to get hold of your beloved and your raising of your siblings.

"I don't pay you to sit around and look at your phone. I pay you to serve customers!"

'You don't pay me enough,' You corrected, but put on your customer service smile and didn't respond verbally.

Instead, you just nodded and left.

You knew that if you spoke, it would come out behind clenched teeth. It would come out as angry. You couldn't afford to be angry. You were already seething enough. The anger still had not left but it was pushed down under layers and layers of emotional exhaustion. Unsurprisingly, you didn't enjoy being mad or sad. You just felt tired afterwards and after stewing on that rage for a couple days, you were on the verge of hibernation.

Still, even just a bit of kindling would probably reignite the flames into a blaze. For now, you had to keep it smouldering. Which was very hard to do when you kept seeing your shitty manager everywhere. He had a very punchable face. A lot of surface area. Just thinking about it made you want to-

You placed a hand against your chest, inhaling deeply and then exhaling at the same rate for a few seconds before continuing your quest to 'serve customers'.

'Just focus on something else...' It was a hard request to follow through on when most of your brain was swallowed up by your Sweetheart ever waking minute.

And it got even harder when you passed by Lindsey, who was standing nearby the doors to behind the counter, chatting with some male co-worker or another. You think you may have recognised him but you couldn't recall from where.

She glared at you as you passed her by. From the corner of your vision, you watched her eyes subtly follow you. You couldn't wait to be out of work.

Ugh... but then you remembered you couldn't see your beloved afterwards. Uggghghhhhhhhh... but if you did, you might've started to get angry and out of control again! It was for the sake of keeping him safe where you could find him. Again, if you caused a row in his apartment building you'd be risking his relocation.

This was going to be an incredibly long day...

The fatigue inside of you was bone deep, clinging to your eyelashes and your guts. You practically collapsed behind the counter, ready to throw up all over it. But instead, you served a regular and listened to them babble on about their day. When they inevitably asked you about yours, you gave your false smile and told him it was good.

Ben wasn't on duty today. Shame. You wondered if Lindsey's glare had something to do with it. Well... probably not. Ben hadn't messaged you about any drama. That was just Lindsey being Lindsey. Always taking the opportunity to be passive-aggressive for no reason. You couldn't wait until someone served her a healthy dose of her own damn medicine and she got what she deserved.

Maybe one day, after work was long done and you were finally happy with your Sweetheart by your side and your own family, your siblings visiting regularly and all that jazz... maybe one day, you'd be able to exact some divine judgement.

You wanted to destroy her happiness until she didn't have a drop left. Girls like her and Jane were a dime a dozen. Nobody would miss them. Well... nobody important.

"You alright, mate?" The man inquired, before you.

Tom was an alright guy. He was a volunteer at the local animal shelter nearby (where you had gotten Gareth from as a little kitty a few years ago, actually), but he liked coming in for a drink or two every once in a while with his friends. That was who he was waiting for. He had nothing better to do than chat with you while you waited in the quiet of the seating area.

"Sure am," You smiled, "Why?"

Maybe he had a decent story to tell if you prompted a little more.

"Nothing really," He shrugged, "You seemed a bit frustrated, that's all. Co-worker troubles?"

"Something like that," You brushed it off, about ready to change the subject so that he didn't think that he was being served by assholes and chose another place to take his money.

"Yeah, I figured," He grinned.

Oh? Gossip, then? Maybe something vaguely interesting? Something enough to take your attention off the three biggest headaches on your brain? Maybe... everyone had a story worth listening to. Well... almost everyone (your squirming mind buzzed with hazy images of your father, of Jane, of a distant face shrouded by red and glassy eyes, of Lindsey).

"How so?"

"Uh, my buddy Filipe used to work here."

Come to think of it, maybe you recognised this Tom guy a bit. The bemused look on his face was one you'd seen plastered there before. You briefly remembered it getting dragged out of the place by his unwitting arm. You didn't recall the context of that event, though.

"Filipe?" You blinked, immediately recognising the name, "Ah."

"Yeah, he used to work on bartending duty like you," There was a spark of reminiscence in his eyes as he tried to pull events from the back of his head.

"I remember. How is he?"

"He's alright. He went back to Uni."

"Good for him. What's he studying for?" You smiled, wholeheartedly.

You didn't know much about Filipe, but he seemed like an alright guy the few times you talked. Ben was a natural social chameleon and made friends with practically everyone he met. So, of course, it was only natural that he and Filipe were on good terms throughout Filipe's employment.

Then, he handed in his two weeks notice and disappeared off the face of the planet. Ben hadn't mentioned him since. Then again, you and Ben weren't super close or anything. You never pried into Ben's private life so you didn't know if he and Filipe stayed in contact. Besides, you weren't really close to Filipe earlier. To say you didn't actually care would be an understatement. You were just glad to talk about something you were familiar with instead of listening to some bitter old man talk about politics or something.

"I think he was doing something in engineering. It's going good."

You nodded, thoughtfully. You didn't think that any of the people that worked at this godforsaken bar in downtown could be 'going good' with anything. Everyone around those parts just seemed to have some kind of depression that hindered their productivity. Not that it was their fault or anything.

This was supposed to be a dead-end job. But good for Filipe for clambering out of that shithole. You didn't think you ever could.

"As I was saying... actually- does Gwen still work here?" He asked, abruptly.

Well... this was not the direction you expected the conversation to go in.

"She sure does...? Why?"

"Well, like I was saying, Filipe has more horror stories about co-workers than I do. He worked at Subway and there were some toxic, crazy people there. But he also said something about this place being packed with drama... uh... no offence," He grin lightly.

"None taken."

The place did suck. You didn't blame Filipe for trash-talking it. You trash talked it in your mind all the time. And sometimes to Amar and your siblings, too. It was no secret this place sucked ass.

"You know how Gwen and him had a thing going on?"

No.

"Sure."

It was the best way to get him to keep talking. Besides, if you said you didn't know, he'd probably go on a tangent and try to explain backstory between the two that you didn't care for. Not really.

"Well, apparently one of the workers got jealous about it. I remember Filipe used to tell me all about how these two girls were fighting over him."

You didn't recall anything of the sort. During your time working there, you did remember hearing from Ben that there was some girl drama or something that he was able to sit in on. But you didn't really know anything about it. You didn't believe Gwen was the type to fight over a guy. Especially Filipe.

Maybe it was just because of your warped perception of romantic love or your highly specific tastes, but Filipe was just not that attractive, in your opinion.

Plus, he was boring. Whenever you guys talked, he would drag the conversation on and on until you found a way to politely excuse yourself. To be fair, you never indicated discomfort. You were far too polite to shut him up already, and more focused on your inner thoughts, zoning out and thinking about what you'd put on for dinner as he droned on about some video game you couldn't give less of a shit about...

Well... at least you knew not to trust this guy's stories anymore. Or, maybe he was a credible source and it was just Filipe who had given an inaccurate retelling.

"Oh?" You egged him on, regardless.

"Yeah. The other one wasn't even into him for him or anything. It was just to make Gwen jealous. Some kinda power play or whatever. Apparently, she gets off on stealing people's 'boyfriends' or... like, guys that people are interested in."

Just a few sentences and you already knew he was talking about Lindsey. You exhaled quietly trying to act as if you didn't. Just thinking about Lindsey made you want to trash talk her. Made you want to smash her head in the corner of the counter, splitting open her skull.

The embers in your mind started catching. You quashed it quickly with ice cold thoughts of your sister, how disappointed Amar would be if you came home covered in blood... how horrified your Sweetheart would be if he saw you doing something so barbaric to another human. Sure, Lindsey didn't deserve to live, but he didn't know that. Neither did your Amour. These intrusive thoughts needed to stop. You needed to stop. Why was it so difficult to stop?

You were better than that, surely...

"And how did that work out for her?" You questioned, after clearing your throat and getting back on track.

"He slept with her."

What was it with people and screwing the crazy co-worker?? You sighed and placed a hand on your forehead, shaking it.

"He still feels really guilty about it."

"Poor Gwen," You sighed, ignoring his statement about Filipe.

It was an interesting tale... if embellished a little.

It didn't matter whether Filipe felt guilty about it. If he hadn't done it in the first place, he wouldn't have hurt Gwen. You didn't really care for Gwen as anything more than an acquaintance, but she deserved better than to get yanked sound like that. No wonder she seemed to stick to herself. No wonder she and Lindsey were always arguing.

You used to think it was because even just being in Lindsey's presence for an extended period of time would drive anyone crazy. But now you knew that Lindsey was just awful. Maybe she had always been. Note to self: keep her away from your beloved.

Your gaze momentarily shifted to the door as someone else entered. Then, you did a double take. Sauntering towards you with (mostly playful, you assumed) clear aggression was Ciel. The patron you had been talking to seemed to spare a glance her way, as if to check what had captured your attention.

"Y/N, Biggest Blue Baller Of All Time!! Did you leave me on read?!" Came her demanding, thunderous voice.

Tom snickered.

"Where'd that nickname come from?" He questioned, as if you had your own story to tell (or at least one that was vaguely interesting).

You sighed. You were sighing a lot recently.

'This is gonna be my whole day, isn't it?'

.

.

.

As you dragged yourself home, you still wished you were with him. You didn't have your gear with you so checking up on him would be extremely risky and you weren't sure you were willing to risk it after such a close call in his bedroom. If he caught you again similarly while you were in your gear, then sure that was fine. Shitty because then he'd be on the lookout for you, but it would be fine because he wouldn't know it was you. On the other hand, if he caught you outside of your disguise, then you might as well start punching sand.

There would be no chance for you to connect with him. He'd know. He'd know and he'd run away from you. He'd be completely unwilling to start any kind of relationship with you. He wouldn't even want to be your friend. And then what? Then what? What would you do? You loved being by his side, holding him close and enveloping yourself in his scent. You wanted to be with him. If that couldn't happen anymore... then you wouldn't just let him go. You physically couldn't.

You loved him. More than anything. Nobody could have him- nobody was allowed to have him but you. And you'd make damn sure of it.

Clenching and unclenching your fists, your mind wandered again. Too far into the deep end, where you saw her in your mind's eye. The blood in your veins was suddenly bubbling, writhing inside of you. Your vision quivered and shook and the ground felt far away as everything blurred behind your glasses. Sucking in a deep breath you felt your nails digging into the palms of your hands and your jaw clenched until you were sure your teeth would bend and crack under the pressure

Of all the people that musty bitch could want. Of all the people that WHOLE ENTIRE TWAT thought she could dig her teeth into, she chose him. Of course she did. Just your luck! Nothing ever worked out for you! You could never have anything for yourself! It wasn't fair! It wasn't fair!! Why him!? Why did it have to be him and not someone else, for fucks sakes!!

You wanted to pull out her god damned spine, watching viscera splatter on your carpet. You wanted to grab a nail and hammers and watch her scream and squirm in agony as you dug it into her head to the beat of her heart. To dig an axe between the point at which her skull met her neck and mount it on your fucking wall, or tear her upper jaw off her body and use it like a fucking. Bowl.

You just wanted to stab, stab, stab her fucking teeth in until her gums were a sliced up mess of broken enamel and tearing flesh. Until the lips she so desperately wanted to kiss him with were a mangled, mashed up slab of non-descript, shredded meat. You wanted to hollow out her head so that she could never think of him again. To dig razor blades into her eyesockets until she could hardly picture anything anymore except the feeling of pain.

Who the fuck was this long eyelash, under-cut bitch anyway?!? Thinking she had a chance with him! Thinking she was winning him over with that cute girl act of hers? Stammering over her words like she was some sweet, innocent girl who wanted nothing more than to please him. As if she wasn't a horrifying person beneath the surface- a monster who would only hurt him. As if she wasn't trying to steal him away!!

Just what right did she think she had!? Why did she bother!? Couldn't she just suffer in silence like some depressed child or something?!

She felt so slimy- so greasy. Like an oily leech wriggling it's way out of the tar to latch onto the first living being in it's vicinity. Sleek, grimy and parasitic in nature. The very definition of scum of the Earth. And if you tried to pull her out? She'd probably vomit all her bacteria into your plans. And that was what was infuriating about the situation the most. Because you knew killing her would only serve to wreak backlash against you! You knew it!

And yet all it did was piss you off even more!! You just wanted things to be easy! Stressed, you dug clenched and stilted fingers into your scalp and tugged at your hair, the pain grounded you. It was good discipline for thoughts like these. Yet they didn't just go away!

'If she made him happy-' STOP!!

SHE COULDN'T MAKE HIM HAPPY! She never could!! The thought only fuelled more anger and you bit back a scream, hunching forward with a locked up body. Every muscle felt tense and frozen, twitching ever so slightly from strain. One hand pulled away to grip at your knees but all it wanted was the phantom sensation of gripping a knife in your hands and filleting the skin on the surface of her arms, hearing her scream and apologise. Apologise for existing! Apologise for even daring to look at him, let alone talk to him! Apologise, apologise, APOLOGISE!

She deserved it! She deserved to die for taking away your beloved- for trying to! 

You shuddered with each wave of overwhelming rage that threatened to drag you in deeper until you couldn't escape. The only sound was the pumping of your blood. Your footsteps had long since halted. You pressed your hands against the sides of your head, squeezing your eyes shut. Your hands dug into your hair, pulling and gripping harshly.

Because- because, because!! All you could see was all the ways you could kill her! She was trying to steal him away from you! She wanted him! She didn't love him! Yet she had the audacity to even breathe the same air as him, to act as though she deserved his time! Acting all pouty with those fucking crocadile tears! As if her feelings would matter at all to him! As if she deserved to have her feelings cared about!

You exhaled shakily. Your heart was still pumping, your glasses now crooked on your face and the world now half a blur. Slowly, your tense body loosened up, until you were somewhat leaning against a wall in the evening, feeling the cold breeze wash against your blisteringly hot face and through your sweltering, sweaty body. You huffed out another breath.

Of course that twat didn't deserve to die simply for existing. It wasn't her fault she was born. It probably wasn't even her fault that she got a crush on your boyfriend. She didn't deserve to die over it, even if that's all you could think about. Even if deep down inside, your heart jumped with excitement at the thought of splattering her across the sediment. It wasn't the way. It wasn't right. If you killed her over something like this, did you even deserve his love?

No. No. He deserved someone who was smart about things, who didn't act impulsively. You could be better for him. You knew that you could be better for him.

So why didn't you act like it? Why did you allow yourself to fall into stressed out rages like that with so much pent up emotion and nowhere to put it? Why did you let even just the thought of some other love interest in your beloved's life be the thing that pushed you over the edge? You were better than this. You knew that you were better than this.

You had to start acting like it. If you wanted to be worthy of his presence, then you ought to start acting like someone who might be a good fit for him. You had been acting like some kind of deranged murderer the whole time. Who in their right mind would want to be with someone like that?

And you wanted him to want you, didn't you? More than anything, you wanted his genuine acceptance. You wanted him to love you about as much as you loved him. You wanted him to hold you until your heart burst from being so full of love and affection for him. But he wouldn't hold you, or accept, or love you if you kept acting the way you were acting. He deserved better. Surely he'd know that to. He'd take one look at you and think you were the fucking loser you knew that you were and then if he gave you a chance, he'd notice how weird, awkward and stupid you were. And then he'd notice your blind fits of rage, uncontrollable and violent, which occured at jut the thought of him being with someone else.

This wasn't normal. You knew that. You knew it wasn't normal to watch people sleep or to follow them around or to call this guy who you didn't even know the name of- who didn't even know your name and who you'd only briefly met- your 'boyfriend', your 'beloved', your 'Sweetheart'. This wasn't normal behaviour. You weren't okay in the head.

And it wasn't hurting anyone... yet. But you knew full well that you would if it was for him, if it was for your siblings. You didn't want to become apathetic to those ideals. It had been what kept you alive so long. It had been what gifted you these strong, euphoric feelings that you believed you'd never experience. And you were now. And how could you ever let these feelings go? You loved him. You needed him.

Rejection wasn't an option.

But more than that the incident with her window was cause for concern. So, long story short, you needed a break from this. From all of this. A real break away from everything. Everybody had their limits. You were reaching yours.

It stressed you out that you couldn't see him at that moment. It stressed you out that there was already someone vying for his attention and affection and that you couldn't even call yourself a proper love rival because he didn't even know you existed! You were just the creepy stalker watching him through his window, not a friend or crush or someone he thought was mildly interesting. He had probably already forgotten your first meeting- forgotten about you. You needed to establish yourself in his life but if you did you were more than certain you'd bump into Jane and just-

Why you!? Why was all this happening to you!? Was it so hard for the universe to let you have something to yourself for once? Weren't you allowed to be selfish?

. . .

Yeah. A break was sounding more and more appealing. You needed time to recover. You needed time to let your righteous feelings about Jane fade ever so slightly, so that you could actually think about her without imagining any of the horrible ways she could die.

.

.

.

You hadn't tucked Amar into bed for a while and you hadn't had some quality time with Garrett, either. So, when you got in, you settled on the couch next to Amar. Garrett jumped into your lap from the ground after finishing the food you put out for him. Amar had yelled a 'welcome home' to you. You your sweetie pie's fur with a tired smile.

"You look drained, mom," Amar pointed out, concerned.

"Just have a lot on my plate," You decided.

"You should take a break then. You deserve it after everything. You've been so busy lately..."

"I was planning on it. A friend invited my out this weekend on my day off..." You pushed your glasses up your face as you produced your phone, "I've been putting off making a decision for a while now..."

"You should go!" Amar exclaimed, "You barely hang out with any friends... except us, I guess. But we don't count."

"You don't count?" You quirked a brow.

"Obviously not. We're family. Everyone needs time away from family every once in a while, mom."

"Even you?"

"Especially me. You should know that," She scoffed, knocking your side with her elbow and a small grin on her face, "I love you guys but I need some variation. Maybe you need some variation, too."

You sighed. You didn't need variation. You just needed him. And you needed Jane to get the fuck out of his life as soon as possible. But that wasn't possible just yet. You pulled your phone out from your pocket and gazed over yours and Ciel's message thread. You still hadn't saved her contact in your phone. You thought it was funnier to leave her unnamed.

"Who's that?" Amar asked.

"Ciel."

Amar's face scrunched up. You spoke a few times to your younger sister about your patrons. Ciel was one that came up once or twice. Or... more than that. Amar liked hearing about your work so you entertained her with the few funny stories you had. Most of your stories were serious, sad or heart-warming. But you preferred hearing Amar's laugh rather than her being sad because of something someone had said.

"You're going out with her?"

"Yeah, is-... is that problem, my Amour?" You turned to look at Amar, genuinely concerned.

If Amar didn't want you to hang around with Ciel, you'd stop no questions asked. You'd do anything to ensure that she was comfortable. Anything at all. Get rid of any person in your life who they didn't approve of. The only exception being your beloved, a recent development that still disturbed you somewhat. Knowing that you wouldn't hesitate to hide him away from the world and keep him all to yourself if your family and him didn't mix was a terrifying and saddening concept.

Saddening because you knew that he could only be truly happy if he was free. And if he didn't like your siblings, or if your siblings didn't like him, you couldn't be certain you'd continue to allow him to have that freedom. Living in a world without him would be like living in a world without the sun. You'd die somehow and it wouldn't even matter. Because nothing would matter anymore.

Nothing.

"Well- no, it's not- it's not a problem, mom! You can hang out with whoever you like, obviously!" Amar exclaimed quickly, clearly worried that she had overstepped, "I'm just worried, is all. From what you've said about Ciel she... um... she likes you a lot, right?"

"Well, that's- I think that's maybe an exaggeration," You chuckled.

"Really? She comes onto you all the time!" Amar folded her arms, giving you an unimpressed look.

"She doesn't like me like that. She just wants free drinks and is trying to get in my good books while doing it."

"And in your pants at the same time!" You scoffed, but Amar continued on, indignant, "No, really, mom! Even if she's trying to get free drinks you can't say that if you offered she'd refuse."

Well... no you- you couldn't really, could you? It was true to Ciel was only interested in freeloading what she could from the bartenders. That's why she flirted occasionally with others but mostly turned them down if they didn't offer her a drink within the first few minutes of conversation. That's why she'd been flirting with bartenders long before you arrived at the scene. Even if she was only in it for what she could get for free, Amar was sort of right.

If you offered to take her home one night Ciel probably wouldn't turn you down. She'd revel in it.

"That's only because she likes intercourse," You felt a bit uncomfortable talking to Amar about this stuff.

Amar was your kid. Having conversations about sex and sexual topics with her felt weird. Like watching a sex scene on T.V around your family members. It just made you feel icky and gross.

"Yeah, and she also likes you because you're playing hard to get. Look, even if she's only doing it for free drinks- she's still interested in you. I'm just worried that if you go out there with her, you might do something you'll regret..."

Amar's concern was heart-warming. You contemplated her words as you stroked your purring kitty who basked in the attention. You had turned down Ciel at every corner and any advances she'd pull when you went out together would be met with the same curt responses- you were utterly devoted to your beloved and couldn't even think of being in a relationship with anyone else. However, even if you weren't head over heels in love with your Sweetheart, you would've still turned her down.

Still, you could see why Amar was worried. Amar wasn't like you. She had more of an affinity for women and could only judge based on her own experiences and emotions. Not all women-attracted people liked every woman that came onto them but Ciel was really charismatic and attractive. You were sure that any person might be a little more inclined to go along with Ciel's endeavours if they liked her enough from first meeting.

"I won't, my dear," You assured, placing your phone down and grabbing your kid's cheeks so you could press a kiss against her forehead, "I don't have any plans of dating any time soon. Not when I've got you to worry about."

You lied. It felt bad to lie. You couldn't just tell her you had your sights set on someone, though. Amar was clever but most of all, she was nosey. You loved her, but it was the truth, wasn't it? There was no hiding a secret from Amar for long if you left enough breadcrumbs for her.

And if you left any breadcrumbs, she might find out what you were doing. And if she found out what you were doing... would she still love you?

"That's your excuse?" She smirked.

If you gave her even the smallest hint that there was someone you were thinking of, she'd start going into questions. Maybe she'd give it a rest for a few days and wait a bit before taking a less direct approach. Subtly trying to lead you into a conversation about it. It had happened to you multiple times before and multiple times you had caved. It was usually for smaller stuff: birthday or Christmas presents, surprise visits from siblings, hell- even when she was younger and you were bringing in Garrett.

She did it the time you refused to tell her about your father and mother. And from that she was able to convince you to sit her down and tell you everything. You hated to think that Amar had gotten these manipulation tactics from you. All the times Zephyr was being bullied and wouldn't tell you and Juniper anything. All the times your siblings smuggled in candy without your permission and you were forced to put your foot down after getting them to admit it. You tried to shake those thoughts out of your head for now.

And if that didn't work, she'd go into your room and look for any evidence for herself. Unlike V, she didn't have a lot of patience. And unfortunately, under your bed there was a full trail of evidence that would lead her right into your nightly activities.

"Do you believe it?" You tried not to show off how nervous you were to her.

If she even got a whiff of the scent you'd left behind, she'd be onto you. She'd figure you out. And then what? Then she'd know everything and you were sure she had a harder grasp on her morals than you did. She wouldn't take to kindly to knowing you were stalking someone.

"I do, mom. I trust you," Amar nodded, sinking back into the couch cushions.

You smiled. She trusted you, even if she shouldn't. That was at least nice to know as you texted back to Ciel.

You
Hey, Ciel. I think my
schedule's clear.

You didn't get an immediate response from her. The truth was, she had asked you to hang out on one of the many nights where you had nothing planned, anyways. It was the night of one of your day shifts so it didn't matter. You had been hesitant because you were hoping to get into Jane's good books before the arrival date of said hang out. But now that that wasn't looking so promising, you resolved to just go anyways. If things didn't turn out to be your cup of tea, you'd vanish.

But the scent of your boyfriend lingered in your nose as you recalled pressing yourself against his back with a deep inhale. The shirt you had taken had begun to lose the lustre of its original scent, what with it being about a little over a week after you stole it. You were going to have to get a new one, soon.

He smoked, of course. You could smell it on him. It concerned you because you didn't want him to get lung cancer or anything. But if he smoked, that might mean that he drank, too. And if he drank, that could mean that he'd be out at a bar over the weekend. Just because he wasn't a frequenter at your bar didn't mean he didn't go to another bar every once in a while.

It was wishful thinking. On the odd occasion, he did a nightly walk, which you followed him closely during. Despite the fact he seemed to be deep in thought, hands shoved in his pockets, hood up and a dreary atmosphere about him (oh, how you longed to kiss the frown right off his smooth and gorgeous face) he was very aware and he had fast reflexes, too. He was capable of defending himself, you hoped, but it never hurt to be extra cautious. Following him on the once or twice he decided to venture out in the night was only natural if you wanted to protect him.

Maybe he had a friend that he'd talk to. Someone who was nice and who would support your relationship with him. Not someone who would steal his attention away from you or secretly long for his hand to be in theirs instead of yours. Your fists clenched at the thought. No, you wouldn't allow it.

You needed a break from life, anyway. Work had you down, you weren't getting any leeway with Jane or your beloved and you just wanted the floor to open up beneath you and let you sink into its murky depths from which you might never return.

Maybe seeing drunk people stumble around and say stupid things would be exactly the distraction you needed. You had been thinking of introducing yourself into your Sweetheart's life by going to the same flower shop as him but every time you decided it might be a good time you procrastinated it. It was just too nerve-wracking. Talking to him for real- you were sure you'd fuck it up somehow. You weren't even sure it was a good idea to introduce yourself so soon. You wanted to at least know Jane. Again, another one of your ideas was to have her be there when you 'first met'. Maybe she'd introduce you to him and make it a more natural integration. Even if it meant she'd be unintentionally opening up the gates to the end of any chance she had with him. Oops, right?

No matter how many plans you made in the pursuit of your future with him, you could never be sure that any one of them would play out, let alone whether they'd play out the way you intended.

"You alright, mom?"

If Jane saw you hanging out with the guy she was into, she might put her guard up. It was imperative that you didn't intergrade yourself into her life if it was clear to her that you knew who she had a crush on. If you sabotaged her feelings towards your beloved and she mentioned who he was, then no doubt she'd realise that you were doing it on purpose if she saw that you were around him.

It was important that if you tried to involve yourself in both of their lives at the same time, that you were cautious to keep your relationships with them completely separate. To the point where you couldn't enter their apartment building with one or the other as yourself. Only as your anonymous persona, watching from afar.

"Are you gonna drink...?" Amar sounded quiet and unsure when she asked the question.

You turned towards her, baffled. She knew you didn't drink, didn't she? Was she that worried about you? How sweet... you smiled and ruffled her already messy hair.

"Of course not, my dear. I never drink."

"I know..." Yet she still exhaled a breath of relief, "It's not that I don't trust you. I just... look out for yourself, okay? Peer pressure and everything-"

"Is there something going on?"

The fact she mentioned peer pressure unprompted indicated to you that something might be going on. And not so long after her sleepover? What happened...

"No! No! Nothings going on!" She laughed, and she seemed genuine, "It's just... I've heard stories from my friends who went to parties and stuff. I don't want that to happen to you."

Oh. So you might've jumped to conclusions. Even though you were still a bit skeptical, she definitely looked like she was being serious and she didn't look to be lying in the slightest. You couldn't help it, though. You wanted to keep her safe from every hurt that the world could throw at her. It was scary to think that while you weren't looking, something could happen to her.

But... c'est la vie.

You could only hope that if something did happen to her, that she'd tell you so that you could tear them apart and rip them limb from limb until they were in so much fucking agony they didn't even recall their own fucking names.

"It won't happen to me, my Amour. You know I can take care of myself," You smiled.

"I know..." She returned your smile sheepishly but still seemed distracted, "You've done so much for us, that's all. I really just want my mom to be safe."

She was so sweet. All of them were so sweet to look out for you like this even though you didn't deserve it. If she saw what kind of monster you were becoming underneath the surface, would she still forgive you? Would she still love you?

She looked up at you with her big, E/C eyes, her thick hair falling along her grey skin. You held her hand gently, squeezing it to give her some comfort, before returning to petting Garrett in your lap. He was falling asleep now and Amar was equally tired. She looked so peaceful when she was asleep. Perhaps it was time to retire her to bed and tuck her in.

"I appreciate it, my dear. I really do."

You really did. She didn't need to be concerned about you, but she still was. That was a mark of the amazing woman she was becoming. It was hard to believe that she had grown up so fast from the quiet, shy kid who was so afraid of even the slightest sour word towards her to the spunky, sassy girl who still maintained the heart of gold she nurtured from childhood.

All your siblings were endlessly kind and good in their own ways. Generous, sweet, earnest people that the world would surely be worse off without. Their presences were like beacons in inky darkness, guiding people to their angelic light and the safe havens that their inner-beauty sanctioned to people. So eternally thoughtful. So perpetually good-natured and tolerant.

The lot of them deserved so much more than what they got from this life. Than what you could give them. Even though you tried your best to provide, you felt like you had failed them to some degree. You were unable to give them everything they deserved in life because you, yourself, started off with not enough money in this chroma-nightmare of a society. When you left that toxic place where all your memories left behind, you were all left with nothing. And though you built them up from that nothing, you knew that there wasn't much to fall back on should their lives collapse.

You wanted to do more. You wished you could do more. But you couldn't. It made you feel helpless, even worthless. If you couldn't do this one good thing for them- give them that stability that they so desperately needed- then what were you good for in life?

That's why you worked so hard, why you needed your job. So that if life came crashing down on them (and it was more likely than you wanted to admit, knowing how cruel the world was even to the most tolerant and merciful of people), you could really be there to help pick them back up. No matter what.

So that if you ever had to pick them back up, you wouldn't get too attached again and try to keep them, rather than let them go like they needed. You needed to be strong enough to say goodbye.

Over and over and over again.

A cold breeze passed through your clothes, permeating your skin and sending chills down your arms and spine leaving goosebumps in its wake. Your hands were shaking as you stood in the threshold of your bedroom window, lips pressed in a thin line of contemplation.

It had been instinct. Your heart was yearning, so you had gone to the window to make your way to your beloved's apartment- such had become routine. Every time you felt an inkling of distress, the first thought had been to turn to him, recently. You didn't even have your gear on, you were dressed up for your night out with Ciel. You were ready to go. But the nerves had wracked up like student loan debt and you were on the verge. The verge of- something. You couldn't quite tell what yet, because you hadn't passed over the edge.

But, you couldn't see him. That's what you told yourself over and over again. Your foot didn't retreat from the window sill and you didn't move. But you kept reminding yourself over and over again, that No. You couldn't see him. You couldn't go to his apartment complex. Because then you might see her. And if you saw her- well, you were already shaking, what would you Do To Her in this state of mind? In this state of being? Just thinking about her sent shockwaves of indignant anger through you. Her audacity was astounding- to think she had a chance with him-

And you needed to ground yourself again properly, reminding yourself that you couldn't go to him because of these thoughts. You would surely act on impulse. And the worst part? You knew you'd be in the wrong for it. God, you'd fuck everything up for yourself! A murder in his apartment complex would send him running for the hills and how would you track him down again in that case!?

That was, sadly, the first excuse that came to your mind. The excuse your brain chose over the infinitely more moral one, which was the perspective that Jane was some random girl with a teensy crush who didn't deserve to die. Somehow, your mind couldn't really rationalise that one, even though you knew it was the truth. She was just some girl. She didn't know that your boyfriend was already taken. She had no way of knowing he'd be better off without her. Her perspective was so different from yours because she was just a normal person with a crush.

And you... were his stalker. By all accounts, she was more deserving of him, wasn't she? She at least took care to pursue him in a normal way. The respectful, legal, normal way. There was no way your relationship with your boyfriend could ever be so normal because you'd fucking cuddled him in his sleep for god's sakes! And the fucked up part was- it was the fact that you knew this and yet it didn't seem to register properly. It was just a numb fact you were aware of and yet found easy to discard as if it didn't matter.

It mattered. You had to keep telling yourself that because maybe if you repeated it enough, your brain would finally come to it's senses and believe it.

How did things ever get this bad?

Inhaling deeply, you unstuck your foot from the window and pulled it back. It felt like wading through tar- as if your leg and mind was actively warring against your better judgement. You had to go, needed to see him, had to be by his side, hold him, inhale his scent, be close, closer, and closer to him- enough to carve him open and crawl inside, see everything- every part of him, hear his every secret, breathe his every breath-

You forced your fingers to relax, cresent moons inbedded into your palms. Your body, stiff. Eyes wide and shaking in their sockets. Another deep inhale. You reached a stilted hand forward. Every instinct was telling you to go to him. Every part of you screamed and yearned for his touch, his presence, his warmth.

You shut the window. You forcefully turned your back to it. You inhaled deeply. You exhaled shakily. You repeated the process until your shoulders began to lose their tension.

Nothing was as important as him. Nothing was as important as checking up on him and seeing that he was okay, holding him, pressing your face against his back until you could feel his heartbeat thrumming against his supple skin, drawing a hand along his arm and feeling that he was alive alive alive-

"Stop," You told yourself, hands somehow finding their way to your hair to give a grounding tug, "Stop it, now. Stop it."

Your brain didn't agree with this decision. How was he ever supposed to love a mess like you? You could make him. He wouldn't have a choice but to love you. Just removing every obstacle would be easy. Starting with that bitch with the undercut. You could slice her open and watch her skin part beneath your blade like steak, watch the fat clinging to muscle come apart with the flick of a knife- see the dying light in anguished eyes, muffling her screams as you pressed over her airways bruising her face and neck- it would be easy. So easy. So why didn't you just do it? Just do it.

Then he'd have no one else but you. And if he didn't love you right away- you could be patient. You could make him. If he saw nobody but you he'd have to love you. He'd learn to love you. He'd grow to love you. He'd need you. It would be for the best-

You sighed as your brain seemed to go down another one of these lanes. It was like every train of thought led into these dark tunnels. It was like sticking your hand into a rabbit cage. There was a chance things could be fuzzy and warm but you honestly shouldn't be surprised if they bit you 'til you bled.

"Mom?"

You blinked and turned to Amar, surprised. When had you started pacing in the living room?

"Yes?"

"Are you alright?" Amar inquired, looking worried, "You seem on edge."

You hated this. You hated seeing her worry. Your mental health wasn't any of her concern. She should've been living her teen years carefree. Instead, you were adding unnecessary stress.

"I... I just lost something..." You muttered, checking your phone, "It's alright. I'll find it on the way there."

"Alright..." Amar seemed hesitant to accept your response but nodded.

At your ankles, soft fur moved along. Glancing down, an uncontrollable smile wormed its way onto your face, as your cute boy had begun weaving his way around your legs. Somehow, he always had a way of sensing your unease and bringing you some much-needed comfort.

You kneeled down and pet Garrett's fur gently. He purred under your hand, pushing his forehead into your palm as you held it in the air in his path. He was happy to see you, continuing to do laps around your feet. He was a big help for someone as anxious and deranged as you were in those moments. You let out a stuttering breath and indulged yourself a little in the soft fur, letting it bring you back. The bad thoughts- the scary thoughts- seemed to quell and quiet. Even if it was only temporary.

Promising to get Garrett a treat for this, you stood up straight again. Dress pants hugged your legs and the loose arms of your button up blouse made you feel less constrained than your usual work attire. But still, you felt like you'd be out of place. You didn't really have any recreational outfits for bar crawls because you didn't drink. You still wouldn't be doing that.

You rubbed the back of your neck awkwardly as you headed towards the door. You were nervous. You hadn't checked on your boyfriend today. This was for the best. This was for the best. That's what you told yourself over and over like a mantra. But your gut still twisted with dread. What if he was dead in some alleyway? What if he was in danger? Getting mugged? Fighting for his life after being hit by a car? Maybe you should drop by the main roads just to check-

"Mom?"

You turned back, the door in front of you swinging open idley as the keys jangled in the lock. Amar had a genuinely worried look on her face. You hated yourself for being the one to cause that worry. You hated that she knew. If only you were better at hiding this protective trance you were in. If only you were better at being a parent.

She pointed to the ground nearby and your eyes followed. There were your shoes discarded, and noticeably not on your feet.

"Oh..." You distractedly pulled them on.

Amar approached cautiously as you did up your laces in a hurry.

"Mom," Amar repeated, firmly, "Are sure you're alright?"

"I'm okay," You assured with an absent smile on your face.

"No, you're not," Her brows furrowed in deep uncertainty, "What's bothering you?"

"My Amour, you are extremely kind and thoughtful- and thank you for that," You began standing up and heading towards the threshold between your house and the unsuspecting world that might be about to face your undying wrath and remorse, "But I assure you that things are okay."

"But they aren't," Amar insisted, looking distressed.

It took you a moment to consider how you were making her feel, and suddenly a fresh wave of guilt overtook your senses. The hang out could be damned. You didn't mind being late. Amar and your lover were the most important beings at that moment. You desperately wanted Amaryllis to be okay... but all your stressing had stressed her out, too. You should've been more careful, more thoughtful to not allow these emotions of yours to affect her.

You should've been more careful.

"Please... just... what's wrong...?"

You had to come up with an excuse. You couldn't just tell her that your boyfriend who didn't know he was your boyfriend yet was missing from his apartment where you had been stalking his activity from his window for the past month (geez... had it already been that long?). You had to ensure that Amar would be comfortable letting you go. That she wouldn't be worried sick for you in your absence.

"I... lost my flash drive," You replied, trying to sound as sincere as possible, "While I was walking home from work, it must've fell out of my pocket. There's a lot of artwork on there and I..."

You pressed a hand against your forehead, the emotions saddled deep within you arising behind your eyes. You fought hard against tears. It may not have been the truth, but method acting came easy when you really were distressed about losing something precious of yours.

"Oh, mom..." Amar embraced you and you gently returned her hug, running your hand through her hair and pressing a kissing against her cheek.

It was nice to receive some comfort. Even if she didn't know what she was really comforting you about. Amar's presence had that sort of pacifying affect on you. She made you feel warm and fuzzy and like you were at home. Where you should be. Beside her. With him nearby. But he wasn't nearby and you needed to hurry and find him.

"I'm sorry. You work really hard on your commissions..." Amar pulled away, seeming melancholy for you.

You smiled weakly.

"I'll find it. Don't worry. I just need to retrace my steps while on the way, and everything."

"I can come with you for a bit and help you look?" Amar suggested, even though she really didn't want to go out into the cold night.

You could tell as she pulled away and avoided your gaze, eyes darting to look everywhere but you. She didn't want to go out there with you, she was only offering because she thought it'd make you happy. She would've gone out to check with you if you had asked. But it was okay. You smiled and dismissed her, placing a hand on her head and ruffling her hair as you shook yours.

"I'll be fine. It's just a bit stressful. Everything's going wrong right as I'm about to go out. Just my luck, right?"

Amar smiled solemnly.

"I can help, if you need me to."

"It'll be okay," You insisted, turning away and heading out to the door.

You said your goodbyes, Amar wishing you luck on your journey as you headed out into the night. The light of the door became slimmer and slimmer as dark overtook it all and the sound of the door sliding shut completely and locking behind you put you at ease. At least Amar would be safe in your absence. You chewed on the inside of your cheek. Your Sweetheart would not, though.

"Stop," You muttered.

And stilted-ly, you compelled yourself to walk to the meet-up spot and not to any of the places your boyfriend would frequent during the day. Like jogging track or the duck pond. You walked. You walked. You paused at a fork in the road- one way leading passed to the places he frequented during his nightly walks. You did not go that way, even though your body urged you to. You walked away.

You were ten minutes late by the time you made it out the gates. You were just lucky to have not ran into any creeps (or maybe they were lucky to have not ran into you). You pushed your glasses on top of your head and sighed, leaning against the brick wall as you covered your face.

Tears seemed to slip through. God, you were such a big baby. But could anyone blame you, really? Sure, you were a creepy stalker but your reasons were purely good. You just wanted to protect him, but you couldn't go to him without endangering everything you'd worked so hard for!! How were you this weak-willed?! Quiet sobs choked behind your quiet frame as wind brushed by uncaring. You wanted to go to him, to run into his arms and hold him close. To envelope him in the safety you could offer and feel his body-heat surround you. You wanted him to be okay. You wanted him to be happy.

You wanted him to be safe at home, under your protection and watchful eye. But he was not home- in your home. He was not happy and he might've been dead. You had made a grave mistake by allowing this to happen. You should've just- you should've just-

"Y/N?"

You blinked and quickly swiped away tears. Deep breaths, you conjured deep breaths and calmed yourself. Your fists were still locked and shaky, but you recognised that voice as footsteps approached you from the jogging track in the park. Your gaze lifted once you were sure the gentle pink hue had disappeared from the shadows. There was Ciel and some guy with her arm looped in his, shadowed.

"Miss Ciel," You backed away from the wall, correcting your posture and standing on your own accord, "I-I'm..." You sighed, collecting yourself, "I'm sorry I'm late..."

"Didn't I already say you could call me Lucy?" Her face was blurry but you could still notice her body language: sarcastic until she paused, "Oh, sweetie... what's wrong?"

She unhooked her arm from the boy's arm and surged toward you quickly. Her face was blurry until she got close, her eyes close to yours in the darkness. The only light, now, was the orange tinge of the lamps hanging by each side of the rusted gate, its black paint flaking off in several areas. They illuminated the gentle swell of her cheeks and highlighted the harsh eyeliner and smoky eyeshadow decorating her face.

Man, she really pulled out all the stops for this. You weren't sure if you should feel guilty for putting in the bare minimum of effort needed to look presentable. You hadn't been on too many 'Nights On The Town' before. Except the first and last time, you made the mistake of taking Ben up on his co-worker bar crawl or whatever. It was boring as hell, but you and the bartender on duty had fun joking about the drunken stupors of the people all around you. You never talked to her again.

You had been so focused on your beloved that you had barely even noticed how beautiful the park was at night. Serene in all its oblivious tranquillity. Completely silent- an utter juxtaposition to your frenetic search.

Ciel looked... concerned. Fuschia eyes narrowed in disquietude as she placed her hands on your cheeks and gazed at your face. Your eyes must've been bloodshot from tears, but you already felt your face growing warm with embarrassment. Affection was a bit iffy for you from strangers, but it was also getting caught in the act.

For a moment, you lingered on the blurry figure of the tall guy she had been strolling with, in the dark. She had just ditched him and he was now standing stock still behind her.

Your eyes caught sight of blue in the dark. You stared at the shadow of a man, mesmerised.

"Have you been crying?"

You were pulled out of your thoughts, eyes blinking quickly as you turned to Lucy again.

"No," You replied, quickly- perhaps too quick.

You cringed at how bad that sounded. You were too emotional to pretend right now. You gently placed your hands on her wrists and pulled her hands away. Her brows were still furrowed and she still looked sorrowful for you. You weren't sure how to feel.

"Did you really not want to hang out with us that bad?" Ciel snickered, patting your shoulder harshly, "It's gonna be fun. And if it isn't then I'm sure we can find something... equally fun. For the both of us."

Your eyes darted to the figure behind her, unable to make out who it was in the haze of the shadowy evening. You looked back to her, uncertain. It was only then that she booped your nose with the end of her finger and gave you a seductive smirk.

Okay, then...

"That's not it," You said, as quick as your previous statement (this time you were acting... you didn't want to go anymore, you weren't in the mood and you just wanted to spend time with your Sweetheart), "I just... I just lost something important on the way home. That's all."

She pouted, but nodded seeming to accept the response.

"What was it?"

"A... a flash drive," You swallowed hard and decided to stick by your previous story in case it somehow came up again, "It had some of my artwork on it."

"That does suck, my dude," Ciel agreed, not sure what else to say.

"Yeah, well.. it's, uh... it's probably been stolen by now."

Your eyes slipped passed hers, back to the tall figure in the dark. Your heart pounder against your ribcage and you heard blood in your ears. You looked back at her.

"It just... like you said, it sucks."

"Well, maybe tonight can take your mind off it?" Ciel suggested, in a poor attempt to cheer you up.

You didn't want to. You just wanted to go home and cry, or cuddle your Sweetheart, basking in his unknowing embrace, watching as his chest rose and fell. You needed him. More than anything, you needed him to be okay. You just needed to know that he was okay.

"That... sounds nice," You agreed, utterly defeated.

It did not sound nice. It sounded like torture. Surrounded by drinking idiots rubbing up against each other. Suddenly, all the appeal of being there and listening to drunken ramblings and stories from people too shit-faced to realise they were oversharing seemed to feel like holes in a carefully thought-out plan. All of it would feel empty. Worthless. Needless if he wasn't there. If he wasn't safe and sound. If you didn't at least know that he was okay.

He could take care of himself for a night, couldn't he? Surely he was fine... you were terrified at the thought of him lying dead in that shitty apartment building of his. You could've been there. You could've saved him. Could've protected him from harm. That was why you were invading his privacy, wasn't it? You couldn't even do that right...

Ciel seemed to watch your facial expression sink into despair and snapped her fingers with a grin on her face.

"Y/N, this is my buddy--" She backed towards the figure, grabbing his arm and pulling him forward into the light.

Your heart stammered for a moment, watching luminescent blue blur into the golden glow that lingered behind you.

"--Peter."

. . . You deflated, shaking the fatal thoughts from your mind.

The individual who had been standing off to the side seemed awkward, and now that you were seeing him in full, he looked nothing like your beloved. He looked nothing like the one you had been hoping to see. His irises were like a blue moon, overtaking much of his almond-shaped eyes. Milkier than the stark, murky ocean of your Sweetheart's eyes.

He was taller than both you and Ciel, with an awkward, shy smile on his face. He was also a bit muscular, not obnoxiously so but enough that you could tell he went to the gym fairly often. Good for him. From how far away he was, you couldn't get a good picture of his face or anything, but you could get the gist that he had make-up on and an eyebrow piercing. When he spoke, you could see the light reflecting from a bleary silver tongue piercing.

"Yo..." He waved, nervously, "You must be Y/N...?"

"Yeah," You nodded and held out a hand.

He shook it tentatively. His hands were clammy but firm and there was some callousness there, too. You would rate the experience a 4/10. Not the worst but most contact was uncomfortable to you, anyway.

It was only then you really noticed how differently they had both dressed to you. 'Peter' had a form fitting tube top with slim shorts and fish nets, thick boots. His short hair had been gelled back and there was a couple bracelets on his hands and a choker on his neck. Additionally, Ciel had a cute, hot pink, strapless dress on that reached her mid-thighs and some comfortable looking converse.

They looked like partiers. You looked like a fish out of water. What else was new?

"So it'll be just us three?" You questioned, tilting your head.

That didn't seem too bad, actually.

The two shared a glance before laughing. You felt like you weren't getting the joke.

. . .

You were a fool. An idiot. A moron. Stupid. Of course it wouldn't end up just being the three of you. And to make matters worse, not only were you trapped with a bunch of people you hardly knew (and didn't care to, either), it was also as though the whole city decided that today had to be the day that they crammed themselves into social events. Because why wouldn't they?

'This is fine...' You tried to lie to yourself.

But it wasn't fine. This was perhaps one of the worst experiences of your life. You were used to being the one behind the bar. You enjoyed it, even. Now, you were not behind the bar. You were in front of it, leaning against the counter, sipping a glass of coke.

Yes, a group. All Ciel's friends, all of them equally obnoxious except the supposed Alpha male who liked putting everyone else down in hopes of getting laid for the evening. He wasn't the only one, either as he seemed to have picked up some passive-aggressive beef with another group of guy who had so graciously decided to join the group you were currently trapped with, making one big conglomerate of horny adults that you had no interest in interacting with.

Ciel had thankfully forgotten about you for the time being, instead choosing to chat up someone else. Good for her. Although you also saw her glancing back at you a few times and you got this weird feeling that she was doing it on purpose hoping that you'd see. You honestly couldn't have cared less. You were more concerned with trying to get away from these people which you couldn't because you had two of them trapped at your sides and someone else had backed up against your back, leaning against it as they talked to someone else, thus boxing you up against the bar.

Nobody knew about personal space around here, it seemed. As soon as they started getting drunk, they got comfortable touching you, leaning against you, running hands along your arms absentmindedly and chatting at you (clearly not with you considering they didn't care if you contributed anything to the conversation, let alone if you were listening at all). And the worst part about it was that they were loud about it, too. Drunk people were always loud. However, the girl on your left was particularly grating, opening her mouth all the way up whenever she had to say anything like she was packman or something and trying to gulp down as much air as she could with every word.

The person to your right kept interrupting her and talking over her, too. Not as loud but still close to yelling over the music even when there was no need.

A tingling sensation rolled down your back, like it was sticky with sickly sweet syrup. You shuddered. It just felt wrong. Like there was something roiling beneath your skin, like your veins were simmering. You sipped your coke, trying to bite down the irritation and the suffocating closeness of everyone around you. The girl on your right had her arm hooked around yours. The other person was basically leaning against you, reaching across the top of the table so that they could be in clear view of the girl. The close proximity, the touch made your body itch and shrivel away. You leaned back subtly, hoping the added weight into the other person would give them the hint to back off.

It did not, for they were too drunk to even acknowledge it. You sighed, focusing elsewhere.

Unfortunately, the loud situation at hand kept bringing you back to all the awful things that had happened this evening and the sheer amount of regret you felt for agreeing to come out here on an already shit day. Could this get any worse?

First, the peer pressure which you had never caved into, thankfully. It had started off with a round of shots. You had declined at first but the group had declined your declination. You ended up passing the shot off to an older woman who seemed to be having a rough night.

You had told the group that you didn't drink when they came to you for their orders in the bar you were currently in, sandwiched uncomfortably between these people. Ciel had insisted that they not bother you with it in the passive way that a person who usually enabled douchebag behaviour like that usually did. That was how you ended up with the coke, pretending that it was alcoholic when it wasn't.

Then, the weird flirting. You probably should've expected it since it was Ciel's friends you were hanging out with and they all seemed to be close and in on that "friend's with benefits" thing with each other in some way. You could not have been less interested.

Also, their way of flirting was very weird. Call it old fashioned, but you thought flirting was supposed to be someone was giving you their full attention, complimenting you and... maybe, like... offering to buy you a drink? You had never been flirted with like that before but that's what you had seen in films with your Amour.

Instead you were greeted with a pair of guys making-out aggressively right next to you on your second bar. You had been awkwardly trailing around behind the group as people conversated with you (you offering minimal additions to their tipsy ramblings) and hanging out against the far walls of the bars, mainly watching, swaying with the music and giggling as people stumbled around each other.

Your peace had been interrupted as the two guys barrelled right next to you against the wall, one of them had their legs wrapped around the other, make-up smeared from what you could see through your blurry vision. You vaguely recognised one of them as being part of the group you came with, his hands were entangled in the other guy's hair.

It was very gross- the way their mouths were kind of apart letting you could see their tongues sloppily swirling around each other like two fighting optopuses (octopi...? See, that thought there had been more interesting than whatever the fuck was going on with those two), which was way more than you wanted to see.

They parted for a moment to catch their breath (again, something you never understood since they could easily breath through their noses, right?). And when one of them spotted you, they smirked.

"You know, you could join in if you want," He had suggested, smirking.

You blinked, disinterested.

"No thanks. I think I'll pass."

"It could be fun," The other tried to tempt, eyes raking over your figure.

You were not tempted in the slightest. Not even a little bit. You looked them both up and down in return to the way they were both doing the same to you. You shrugged.

"Nah."

The one who was part of the group looked offended at your nonchalant rejection and seemed to be gearing up to rant at you until the other guy started kissing down his neck, eyes on you. Your skin crawled at that. You excused yourself to another corner.

Thankfully, you didn't have to witness either of them holding a weird grudge with you because they both left together. You didn't even notice they were gone until the fourth bar, in which the drinking started getting more annoying than entertaining. It was gratuitous and you found yourself hoping the drunk people knocking into you got alcohol poisoning. It was easier when you could take cover behind the bar and save yourself from it.

You could not do that here.

Another person had tried to flirt with you at that point, too, as you awkwardly watched his friends hype him up. This was someone outside of the group but one of the people who was part of the group was hanging out with this guy's friends. And when you rejected him out of hand as politely as possible, you heard him tell the other guy as you were walking passed:

"I think I get what you meant now."

You got the feeling that you weren't supposed to hear that. You were not amused.

Unfortunately it seemed that Ciel wasn't the only person in the group who saw you as a challenge and someone decided to stroke your hair and whisper in your ear, having you backed up against the wall. Was this sexual harassment? You didn't know and to be honest, you were just vaguely weirded out.

If this was their attempt at flirting it was falling flat. It was just majorly creepy and you told them as such, which equal parts embarrassed and enraged them. They called you a prude or a tease (you weren't sure which one) and stormed off.

Another girl had hugged you from behind which made you freeze up entirely since it was just too much at once. You had the urge to elbow her in the face, since she was shorter than you, but you restrained yourself in the end, eventually managing to get her to back off with some mild negotiation. She was easily distracted with the promise of a drink and after that, you hung around Ciel until the next bar.

Then the matchmaking. When you refused to cave to them they started trying to hook you up with random other people. Honestly, what was it with people's obsession with sex? You never understood it, you had never felt the need to have sex, after all. It bothered you how much people valued it in relationships and how it seemed like a necessity to every written and filmed romance.

It wasn't that special. You'd seen scenes on T.V and it was boring as hell. It felt unnecessary and forced and unbelievably awkward. Like, why did you have to see that? It wasn't important to the plot so why did you care whether they banged or not? The answer was that you didn't.

You didn't mind the idea of having sex yourself. You didn't see it as something you absolutely had to have. Even with your beloved, it didn't really matter to you. If that was something he wanted then you'd oblige since seeing him happy would make you happy. And it's not like it'd be a chore for you- as if you'd force yourself to partake just because he wanted it. You were sure you'd enjoy it if you tried it- but ultimately the enjoyment would come from seeing him enjoying himself. And besides, it wasn't as if you'd never gotten horny before and touched yourself and enjoyed it.

Rob had tried to push sex onto you before, in your past relationship with him, but you had refused because the way he did it was just strange and weird. The pressure had overwhelmed you and made you uncomfortable, and for a while after the breakup, you beat yourself up over it, wondering if he would've stayed with you if you had just given some to him. Well, you woke up after a bit of that. It hardly mattered and you were sure your beloved was too kind to do something so horrible. If he asked politely, you'd be happy to give and you'd be happy to give unprompted, too, as long as he was good and never left you and agreed to stay with you forever.

It wasn't that you were repulsed by sex. You were repulsed by how often people showed it everywhere. You were ultimately indifferent to it.

"It'll be fun!" One particularly tall girl had laughed, as she urged you to go talk to another someone who was alone in the corner.

Another girl, who had gracefully deemed you 'the Grinch' earlier, said that you and the other guy had a lot in common and that you'd be the perfect fit. You didn't want to be there and wanted to disappear even more when the taller girl laughed again (she laughed at everything, apparently) and placed an elbow on your shoulder, leaning on it and you like some sort of make-shift table. 

You also were not amused with the fact this random girl you hardly knew was using you to prop herself up. You weren't usually pissed about this sort of thing when it came to your siblings but this was some rando. How annoying.

You did end up striking a conversation with the guy but he was super high so it was no wonder he had backed up a bit. When that plan failed, the tall girl had tried wing-manning for Ciel, talking her, up telling you about how awesome she was, and even going to the extent to give some details about how she was in bed.

You wanted to walk away but you had been rooted to the spot in shock as a gross feeling roiled in your shoulders and neck. She had an arm around you, holding you close and pressing you up against her side. Her breath wafted around, smelling of sweet martinis and cider. The proximity was uncomfortably warm and sweat clawed its way against your back. Your entire body felt like it was vibrating from the disgusting sensation of someone right up against you. For some reason, you felt like your skin had been chaffed or something.

She did not notice how stiff you were or the discomfort in your expression, as she pointed openly at Ciel (not even trying to hide her ministrations) who pretended not to notice, biting a plump lower lip and putting on a show of leaning down to tie her shoe. It was almost comical.

You wanted to bash your head against the wall.

And the unwanted conversations. Most people mistook your silence for an invitation to talk. They saw your attempts at being unapproachable as a cry out for help. It wasn't. They told you to relax, to have fun, to stop being so uptight. They crowded around you, which only made you more apprehensive and irritable.

For all of Peter's (or Pete, as you later found out he preferred to be called) awkwardness in the beginning, he became extremely laid back once he had some alcohol in his system. And he overshared a lot. And once he got talking, so did Ciel. You learned way more about their lives than you wanted to. Way more. And they weren't the only ones.

People in the group struck up random topics and you let them ramble about their questionable morals. Other drunk people decided to be casually ableist or just awful in general, lamenting about their first-world struggles of how they deserved the disabled parking lot, how it wasn't fair that some guy in a wheelchair, just living his life and minding his business, got to park closer to the beer store than they did at 2a.m. Or insinuating that so-and-so was such a bitch for lying about having a boyfriend to get out of talking to someone.

One girl was even weirdly incestuous to you, and decided to spill the details on how hot their brother and their brother's boyfriend were when they caught them making out. And they decided that a random stranger was the best person to explain it to in excruciating detail. Just... lots of grossness all around?? Is this how normal people talk and think?? WHY!?

Well, you had had enough "making out" that evening for a lifetime. You didn't need to hear about any more. Really. But you did because... nobody cared about what you wanted, apparently.

Some guy had actually approached you, half drunk, at the most recent bar you'd arrived at. Even though the crowds weren't as thick at this one, he found his way beside you in the corner. And not, like, beside you at a comfortable distance. Nope. He decided to slide RIGHT up next to you, a hand smoothing over your lower back, shoving between the wall that you had purposefully pressed up against in the hopes that this very thing wouldn't happen. And yet it had. Weirdos always found a way.

'Says the stalker,' Your mind snarked, and yet you could only fathom a laugh at that, like it was some kind of inside joke and not a sign that you were psychotic or something.

It was like pungeant charm of it had started to wear off and the only pungeant thing left was the odour of his axe-body spray bathed skin which was a poor attempt to cover up the sweat which assaulted your sinuses as his shoulder bumped against yours and he offered you a drink, carefully pushing your forward with an urging hand towards the bar.

Yeah, no. This was a good way to get roofied. Not to mention, taking suspicious alcholic drinks sort of defeated the whole purpose of avoiding alcohol??

You eyed his tacky, button-up shirt decorated in island flowers but carefully avoided looking at his face, knowing well that it would only invite conversation. Besides, you already knew how his eyes would look- hungry. You weren't interested. He could go to dairy queen if he really wanted to eat something because you weren't on the menu. For a cannibal or a strange guy pushing you away from your little corner of peace. At this point, the first option sounded more appealing.

"No thanks."

And you quickly slipped back towards Ciel's group only to be swept up in conversation almost immediately upon return. You ended up dancing with her and a few of her girl friends for a bit (it wasn't so bad actually, dancing helped you take your mind off the lingering feeling of fingers pressing into your back). Only, stepping away from the group by the jukebox seemed to incite someone else to try and take your attention. Honestly, you felt like you were in a daycare at this point, gently urging children to go play elsewhere.

When you uncomfortably shuffled away from a riveting tirade about someone's ex, they decided to follow after you, and there went your hopes of hiding in the crowd and getting away from this mess.

You probably should've expected this touchy, clingy, flirty, too-friendly-for-an-acquaintance behaviour from Miss Ciel's friends. After all, of course she'd make friends with a bunch of people who were just like her. Why did you think this would be a good idea?

You wondered if this would be your whole night.

It was.

You endured many conversations you didn't want to have. Mostly people just gossiping at you and you awkwardly excusing yourself to the bathroom where you were met with drunk people puking. Having some mercy for one of the people in there, you pulled their long hair back and patted their shoulder until they were done. You also witnessed some mild vandalism, a couple of grown ass adults doodling a dick on the wall.

When they offered the sharpie to you, you definitely did not also draw one on there. That is not something you would ever do and if you did, well... nobody else would ever find out.

Anyway, that's why you weren't at all surprised by the fact that at one point, you ended up uncomfortably squished against the counter, wanting to lollipop your eardrums with that very same sharpie used to graffiti the tiled walls in the last bar's bathroom just to free yourself from this shithole. This was perhaps one of the worst mistakes of your life and you weren't afraid to admit it. You were shit at making decisions and you decided from here on out, that you'd make all decisions with a fucking 8-ball which had a higher intellectual capacity for problem-solving than you did, apparently.

Considering you were... quite literally a stalker. How embarrassing...

The night sky was empty. Not a star or cloud out tonight to disturb the emptiness that lingered above. It made you a tad existential as you pondered the meaning of it all.

The light pollution of the city held the starlight from view, but in your mind's eye you saw the evening blue littered with glistening stars like frost. An expanse so wide and enigmatic that you could get lost in it's endlessness.

Your beloved's eyes followed you everywhere when you closed your own. In your dreams, he was the one pining after you, chasing after you until you accepted his confession when he became brave enough to approach. In your dreams, you saw him awkwardly smiling at the door, holding out a flower in the most dorky way possible.

'Soon,' You assured yourself, 'Soon, we'll be together.'

But it was hard to believe in that assurance when you hadn't even made a start on getting together with him. You hadn't talked to Jane yet. You hadn't spoken to your boyfriend since that faithful day with Garrett. And yet, here you were. Lamenting about how you'd be together soon. Wishful thinking. You had seen more of him through a musty window than in person. You were stalking him for crying out loud!

Pinching the bridge of your nose to quell the headache that had settled, pounding to the beat of the muffled music bursting through the walls of the bar, you tried not to think about how he probably didn't even remember you. He probably didn't even care.

Or maybe, he did remember and told his friends about the weird dumbass in childish pyjamas, nearly in tears over a fucking CAT just minding its own business simply because it wanted to go on a little stroll and would return soon as it always did. Maybe he remember how ugly your unwashed face was, how messy your hair was, the bags under your eyes and the stain on the collar of your shirt. Maybe he was disgusted with you and laughed about the crazy person he met that morning to all of his friends.

Would that be worse or better?

If he forgot about you, that meant a fresh start. If he did remember you, then maybe, if he saw you again, he'd wince and awkwardly excuse himself. But you wanted to be cemented into his mind. You wanted him to recall you. You just wanted him to do it fondly.

Okay, you were now thinking about it. So much for not doing that. Great.

"It'll be fun, they said," You sighed inwardly, "I'm so stupid for agreeing to this. What is wrong with me?"

You had some ideas. For one, you were- well, a stalker. That deserved some general disdain from people, of course. And it also warranted some self-hatred, but strangely you just felt numb to it. You couldn't really feel much about it. It just... was. Maybe that said more about you than being an actual stalker, so there's a second thing wrong with you. A third thing is your self-destructive behaviour, such as purposefully putting yourself in this position thinking that things would go well- really, you were just asking for this to happen, weren't you?

Good Lord...

So, there you were. Sitting outside, leaning against some rough wall that would most certainly get cobwebs and dirt sticking to your clothes. But at that point, you couldn't really care. You just needed time away. The air was cold, brushing against your sweaty face and your hands were tucked into your sides to steady their shaking.

If it wasn't clear yet, the evening had been awful and you were planning to just leave. What was the point in this anymore? It hadn't helped. Even the creepy alleyway you were hanging out in that smelled of mildew and garbage felt more relaxing than being around some group of drunk, stumbling dumbasses. Something roiled in your stomach, sickly and gurgling. Maybe you could order chinese or something for you and Amar. After a shower, she might've even cuddled with you.

The door nearby opened and dragging, shuffling footsteps came in- or rather, out. Ciel stood there, hair tossed askew a bit and she was only slightly swaying. You grimaced. How could you not? You came out here to be alone, now you were going to be stuck in another one-way conversation. What a night.

"Hey, Roy thought he saw you come out here," Her words were brash, loud and a bit slurred, "Guess he was right."

Overall, she seemed jovial- made sense for the alcohol. You elected not to tell her that you had no idea who 'Roy' was. Still, you felt some resentment for the unknown dude who had just ratted you out to one of the last people you wanted to see.

Damn that Roy!

"Nope, I'm a mirage," Maybe she was drunk enough to believe you.

"Those only happen in the desert," She grinned, stupidly.

Well. She was sort of wrong about that one but she had the right idea. You sighed again.

"Awwh! Don't look so down! You're having fun, aren't you?"

"I don't think the party scene is for me, Ciel..." You said, instead of saying: 'I'm not having fun, this is the worst time in a bar that I've ever had and I'm tempted to climb up the wall like a funky demon and throw myself off the roof as if it'll kill me.'

"Don't say that, we've hardly even started!"

'You haven't even STARTED?! What do you MEEEEEAAN?? THIS is just the BEGINNING?!'

Blinking out of your incredulous horror, you looked to Ciel. And she looked back, hands on her hips, make-up slightly smeared. You could see why people liked her at first glance. Not only was she very pretty, but she was a fun person, too.

"Come ooonnn!" She grinned, stumbling a bit closer to you and you- almost unnoticeably- shuffled away slightly, "We haven't even gotten to the fun part. Maybe you won't drink but we have something even better."

She wiggled her brows. You didn't like that, it sounded too sinister for you. So, you shook your head.

"Thank you for inviting me. I wanted to use this outing to unwind. But it's... it hadn't really helped, to be honest. That's nobody's fault but mine, I clearly wasn't ready."

"Oh...! Well, there are other ways to unwind, you know..." Ciel placed her deft hands against your arm.

That icky sensation that sunk through your skin down to the bone returned in full swing and you found yourself stepping away before her grip on your arm could tighten. The feeling was sticky under your bones, clinging between joints like rust locking you in place. Every muscle and tendon pulled taught and your skin felt too tight and slimy like sweaty spandex.

Her hands hovered in the air before falling in front of her. It took you a moment- a long, jittery, and shuddering moment- before you were able to glance her face. She wasn't smirking, smiling or confused. Her eyebrows were scrunched up in an inquisitive, slightly upset manner, her cheeks were flushed from the drinks but in her eyes swirled some form of... worry. It only made you want to wiggle away from her more and more. Ciel wasn't your friend. She was a patron. You had to keep telling yourself that, chanting it over and over in your head like a mantra.

You knew what happened when you made friends. Well- no, you didn't. You'd never had a friend outside of your siblings before (no time, no energy... all of it was reserved for them because they were what was most important to you, of course), but you knew how you felt about your siblings- and they loved you and wanted to stay in contact and respected you. In some form, even if they hadn't loved you, they had an obligation to talk to you since they were family. Thankfully, that obligation never came into play because they wanted to talk to you.

But Ciel didn't have that same obligation.

If you didn't give her what she wanted, she would leave you behind and you had to remind yourself of that. Ciel was fun to talk to sometimes and more than once, you had found her flirtations funny and brushed them off with a laugh or something. There were times it put you in mild discomfort- those times being the times she touched you, mainly- or times you weren't sure how to reply so took on sarcasm. But those times, both of you brushed it off and just chatted and joked back and forth. You couldn't really say you disliked Ciel. You couldn't say you were especially attached to her, but you would certainly notice if she didn't stop by the bar like usual one day. And maybe you'd be concerned.

Was it so weird to think that maybe she felt the same way? Maybe she really did want to get to know you outside of the jokes and stuff. And maybe the worry on her face was genuine. Maybe she didn't care about getting into your pants as much as your well-being?

Or maybe that was the type of thought that people got into when they tried to justify falling in love with a fuckboy. Maybe the loneliness that came with being unable to be with your Sweetheart and being unable to take action in order to make the steps to be with him was getting to your head.

Maybe you just wanted to find comfort in someone you could actually tell some of these truths to- not the whole truths, the sinister truths, but the one's dressed up to be prettier than they were- without burdening them.

You couldn't tell Amar because she was a kid. And you couldn't tell your siblings (even the older ones like Zeph) because you were supposed to be the one they turned to for advice and support, not the other way around. You were supposed to protect them from harm and your feelings would only add to the harm they suffered. How could you do that to them?

But Ciel had surely experienced heartbreak, or even violent tendencies, or perhaps she'd even done morally ambiguous things before, right? So, surely some part of her would be able to sympathise?

No, you were being desperate. You couldn't trust her. Just because she was human and saw you panicking, shrinking in on yourself and moving away from dirty hands that reached out to you, clogging oils into your pores- that didn't mean she was suddenly your friend. That just meant she was a normal person who felt pity for a stupid introvert who couldn't push through this BS because you kept overthinking everything and were now jumping away from her in some grimy, nothing alleyway.

You had never pulled away from her like that before, so of course she was caught off guard from it. Compared to all your other blasé rejections, this one actually stuck the landing.

She looked a bit hurt, but mostly worried for you.

Still, you couldn't deny... even if it wasn't a full show of friendship, it was a nice change of pace. Was that weird? To be happy with the bare minimum? Was it the bare minimum for a person in a world like this?

Would you have stopped if your Sweetheart pulled away?

"Y/N...?" Ciel inquired, stepping a bit closer but maintaining a reasonable distance, "I'm sorry, was that too far?"

"A little bit," You were shivering now.

Too much closeness. Too much touching. Your skin was on fire. Every breath of air in your direction felt like fingers rolling over your arms. You wanted out. Figures surrounded you on all sides, their skin, bodies, warmth all radiating against you, inching towards you. Their touch itched against your body. You shrunk away.

That had been the final straw. Suddenly, you wanted to peel the first layer of your body off. You felt disgusting and gross. Like you had been laying in fish oil watching your body prune up.

Miserably, you wished you were in the shower right about then. Maybe a long shower would've been nice. It would've fucked up the water bill but it would've been better to just cry in there and start planning out your next moves with Jane, rather than come out here for a distraction that certainly hadn't worked and had only served to make you feel even worse about everything!

Why did you agree to this again!? How did you forget that public places and people were the worst things imaginable??

Grease clung to your skin and seeped into your scalp from your hair, and there was a tingling sensation just beneath the surface that seemed to dig into your nerves sparking white hot electricity, cold yet unbearably warm like a Lucozade that had been sat on the shelf in the view of sunlight for too long. Your skin felt slimy like jelly. Nausea swelled through your senses. Lights blared in your eyes and noise seemed to gather in your ears like wasps buzzing too close for comfort, threatening to sting you, swarming from every shadow and corner.

It was too much.

The street lamps were too bright, the ground was too far away. Hands clamped over your ears, shaking with pale knuckles from effort, like trying to block out the cacophonous din. Ciel's muffled voice came through.

"Hey... I'm sorry, dude. You should've said if it was getting too much..." Her voice was remarkably softer than usual but still somehow sharp like a whistle in your fried brain.

You didn't have it in you to respond. All you could do was try to calm your breathing as your legs shook. It was too much. Everything was too much. The walls folded in like origami, like blankets throwing over the top of you, weighing you down until you were suffocating. All of it was too close. You could barely move. You wanted to crouch down just so that it wasn't squishing you inside. It felt like everything inside of you was screaming to rip itself out. You were on the verge of overflowing from everything- it was too much all at once.

Your ribcage crunched in on itself and your lungs were squeezed with it, suddenly shriveling up in your chest. You tried to even your breathing but how could you when you could hardly maintain what little breath was in there.

And you were crying again. Crying because the mounting stress crushed you under its heavy weight. Crying because Garrett wasn't here for you to run your hands over his gentle fur and imagine yourself anywhere but here because that would be so much better. Garrett always managed to bring you back to reality with his cute face and the way he butted his head against your open palm, demanding your attention with those blue eyes.

Blue eyes only a little bit different from his. Your sweetheart who wasn't even here. Who you had no hope of knowing like any normal person.

And you were pressing your lips together to muffle the pitiful whimpers, frantically wiping away tears from your pathetic face because Jane probably wouldn't get like this. She'd be able to protect your beloved. She'd be able to find him and get close to him without needing to follow him around like a clingy dog. She wouldn't get the urge to eviscerate her competition.

How could you even consider yourself worthy of being by his side when you could barely even handle a bar crawl?

Too many people. Too much noise. Too much touching. Too much. It's too much!!

Their hands all over you, gripping onto you, pushing and brushing against you, blocking you in. Breath wafting into your face. Eyes all over you, raking over your form. You just wanted to relax. You just wanted to feel safe for once. To feel like the world wasn't caving in on you just because of some fucking girl. And yet. And yet. And yet.

"Hey... what're you two doing?"

When you pried your eyes open, the only thing blurring the world this time were the tears pricking in your eyes. It took you a moment to realise that for a while, Ciel and everything around her had been totally unblurred and your heart was pounding in your ears. Her hands had been reaching out for you again, pausing nearby and she still looked drunk but apparently not drunk enough to not notice the wheezing fit you were sort of still in the middle of.

How rude for some guy to interrupt that. Couldn't he see that you were busy?

"... 'Ey, yeah, just-" Ciel turned to face them and subtly seemed to shift so that you were half hidden behind her (at least she wouldn't see how freaky you looked now that your heart was going- part of the reason you had your hands covering your face in the first place), "We're a bit busy! Do you mind?"

"S'alright if we join you?"

You exhaled and tried to unstick yourself from the spot you had been frozen into. Taking deep breaths and grounding yourself by digging your fingers against your skin. Because it was fine. Everything was fine. And maybe if you kept telling yourself that, you'd believe it and be able to actually do something about the fact that two or more people had managed to sneak up on you in an alleyway.

Really, as a single parent, you should've been more cautious about this sort of thing. After so many years of being untouchable and... well, never being in situations like these, it was almost like you forgot the real danger you had put yourself in by going alone, unaware of your surroundings, into a dingy back alley dressed in a flimsy white shirt and not-so-durable pants.

You attempted to steady yourself and even your breath, reminding yourself of your Amour at home. You kept reminding yourself that yes, tonight was shit, but you could see your Sweetheart tomorrow if you wanted to. Or even after this. Yes, you had put distance between you both on purpose to avoid murder but, at this point, you deserved a little treat for your endurance.

'Yep. Yes. Let's pretend like I'm not giving myself excuses to do something extremely against the law and something that my family would definitely hate me for if they found out about- and my life would be ruined and I'd be all alone and my beloved would scorn me-' Aaaand you were panicking again.

Ciel seemed to have noticed the sound of your breath speeding up again and scrambled to say something to get the guys to back off so you could go back to crying in peace. God, how embarrassing for you... your monochrome cheeks flooded with unsightly red humiliation. You smothered your mouth in sweaty hands to muffle the sound and ween your breath.

"Uh, no- I mean, yeah. Sorry, my dudes. We're tryin to have a private conversation."

"Well, what's so bad about sharing with a couple of guys?"

"Yeah, don't by shy," Another leered and you could hear their footsteps over the pounding of your own heart.

Panic fizzled into anger.

Well- there was still panic there, of course, but a lot of it was drowned out by the rage beginning to fester. Fingers curled into fists, drawing away from your downturned head. Strands of hair once obscuring your vision gave way to an unsightly tinge on the pavement, a pink colour like cherry blossoms.

Maybe they could be talked down. You heaved air in through your mouth and tried to draw your locked fingers out from your palm, where the nails had left indentations against your skin and prickling pain up your frazzled nerves. These guys- were maybe harmless. Just drunk assholes who saw a couple of cute figures in the dark, alone, and they wanted to genuinely shoot their shot and they'd back off when they saw you guys weren't interested.

. . . Yeah, you didn't believe it then, either, but it was better to give them the benefit of the doubt, wasn't it? Because if you didn't then you were sure you'd just act right away in your current state, with pent up energy ready to burst forward in droves- and that wouldn't be pretty. You didn't want to have another oopsie. Especially with a witness.

"Um, no, dude," Ciel seemed to be getting a bit pissed as well, backing away towards you, "This is hella creepy, you know? Back off."

"Creepy? What are you, a lesbian? Can't some guys just fucking talk to a couple girls? What? Are you too good for us?" One guy seemed to also get angry, so now there were three angry people in an alleyway.

This could only go well.

"Listen," You sighed, and loosened a shaking hand enough to push your tear-stained, finger-smudged glasses up your face (you couldn't see with them on, your heart rate picking up as adrenaline made its course through your veins), "I've kind of been through the wringer today? So, can you, just...? Leave us be for a bit?"

You stayed behind Ciel obscured enough to hopefully keep most of your face believably hidden.

"So we're supposed to care about you but you're not supposed to care about us? Shit happens, sweetheart. That's life," One guy growled.

He said the word- the word "Sweetheart"...-

NOPE. Instead of thinking about where that thought was going, you assessed the situation. That was a better use of your time rather than pining after what could've been- what should've been- what would be in the future, surely.

One guy in a leather jacket- pretty good abrasion resistance... another guy had a golden watch on, probably fake. Plus, he looked like a typical pick-up artist... lucky you, getting to take out the trash. Thankfully, there were just three guys, and the last one was just in some ugly, scratty hawaiian shirt... decorated in... island flowers...

.

.

.

oh shit.

"Hey, Ted. It's that guy that rejected you earlier. Look," Another jeered.

It seemed everyone realised it at the same time.

"Man, from this angle, he's not even that hot."

They couldn't even really see much except your hair and clothes- especially since they were drunk as hell. They continued inching closer. Your hand twitched.

"Yeah, they're just a couple of sluts in an alleyway. I bet you dodged a bullet, dude. She was probably gonna make you pay."

"You think if I stole his glasses he'd bend over and pick them up?" 'Ted' questioned, smirking.

"Hey, don't fucking talk to them like that," Ciel hissed.

You watched her almost stumble as she stepped forward, but you caught her easily and hauled her back up. It wasn't so hard to do. Your vision was shaking at the rim like a leaf shivering in a harsh breeze. But sturdier than that. Defined, as your veins pumped so hard in your body that your muscles spasmed in your calves. You recognised this sensation- the desire to leap ahead and tear something apart.

You stopped yourself, shutting your eyes quickly as your muscles tensed and throbbed under your skin, like they were trapped inside and waiting to burst out. You drew your hands away from Ciel.

"What are you even gonna do to stop us?? You can't even stand!"

"I know some other things she could do with those thighs."

They laughed at that one, like it was some funny joke. It was actually very low-hanging fruit.

Ciel drunkenly leaned heavily against the wall trying to get some more shit talking in as the guys advanced, jeering at her. The cold air was probably not doing much good for the alcohol consumption. You'd seen it before- people getting shit-faced in the bar and then stepping out for a cigarette, chattering away only to suddenly collapse in the night air. Fresh air makes people drunker. Ciel and these fuckheads were no exception.

"Fuck off!" She spat.

You couldn't smell their breaths over the overpowering scent of the alleyway. It seemed to scratch at your insides, curdling the little food in your stomach and gripping hold of your innards. The stench of rotting food and water-logged waste. But through it, you managed to get a whiff of the- grease and beer and cigarettes.

It was weird to think that when it came from your beloved, you were more than happy to inhale the gross smell of tobacco fumes. Now that it was coming from these assholes, with their smug smiles and stained clothes, you were less than pleased.

None of this helped with your state of overstimulation. Your legs were shaking and your brain was throbbing with the hammering of your heart against your ribcage. The streetlights seemed to become floodlights illuminating the guys approaching with horrifying truth. It would be so easy to tear of this guy's arm as it reached for you, grubby hand stretching through the air. You could've grabbed it. You could've slammed it over your knee and watched it crack. But you didn't.

You numbly let him grab your shoulder, head bowed as the pink glow seemed to get brighter, lighting the floor beneath you, jostling your body ever so slightly as it reeled you in. You took a deep breath.

"I bet this one's ass isn't all it's cracked up to be," He snorted, abrasively.

His meaty fingers clasped against your body, and you felt the touch linger and tingle like burning greese from a fryer, letting it fuel the wrath rolling over you in waves.

"No, man, I almost got a good feel of it before he ran away like a little pussy."

"Get offa them!" Ciel surged forward, with some semblance of direction before her arm was snatched.

"You girls don't have any right to complain," One of them smirked a bit.

"HEY! FUCK OFF ALREADY!! We just wanna be left alone!!"

"Fucking liar!" The only other guy not grabbing some person minding their own business crowded at Ciel's side as she ripped the hand off her arm and stumbled backwards, throwing a blind punch.

Her wrist was caught again.

"Man! Fuck you!" The second guy snapped, "You're a fucking attention whore! What do you even want! That dress barely covers anything yet your piss-mad when you actually get attention for it! What did you THINK was gonna happen?!"

You imagined him saying it to Amar in the dark, gripping her wrist, twisting it, yelling at her for wearing something she just wanted to wear while out having fun with friends.

Yeah, you didn't have fun this evening but that wasn't exactly Ciel's fault. She didn't really know you and you hadn't verbally set out any boundaries for the night. It was her friends that had been pushing you over the edge the whole evening. Ciel had- she'd been weird but she hadn't really been the one to push you, had she? And just then- before these jackasses invaded your space- she had been... nice. And she'd backed off a bit when you asked. But these guys and their hands and their vitriolic words and vile breath- they had pushed and pushed and pushed.

And suddenly, the pent-up wrath that had been building up like lactic acid in your muscles seemed to compress and compress and compress. Like a string being pulled in both directions, ready to snap.

"Yeah, your ass is pretty much hanging out. You're like some dumb Instagram model," A hand trailed down your collar bone as his breath brushed against the shell of your ear, "And you're not really leaving much to the imagination either-"

CRACK-

He went down like a sack of bricks.

The light touch against your bare skin had whited out your brain like boiling lava all over your body. In that moment you couldn't control yourself. Your eyes shook and your vision blurred momentarily, watching blood from his nose slip down from his fingers. His voice cracked as he said something- probably cursing at you. His friends seemed shocked. Your fist. It was unscathed. So, you'd only punched him once then. He aimed a foot at you and snapped a harsh kick at your leg but you hardly budged. He could probably trip you if you advanced on him, but you weren't really on your way to wail his upperbody anyway.

You lifted a foot aimlessly and seemed to count the seconds, face twisting in uncertainty.

What time was it again?

"AAAAHHHHHHHH!! WHAT THE FUCK!! WHAT THE FUCK!!???"

You were a bit disappointed that the splintering sound of his leg under your foot didn't have a more poignant sound. You could hear it, even with the blood roaring in your ears. But it didn't have that 'oomph' that you always thought it would have. Skin and muscle in the way- somehow that stuff always found a way to cockblock you.

You could ask Ciel the time after you were done with these guys. In fact, you felt pretty destressed already.

"ADAM??" Looks like Ted was more loyal than you thought, since he pretty much abandoned hovering around Ciel in favour of going to his friends aid.

'Adam' now held his leg close to him, bent at the knee as he clutched his ankle. The fracture was probably a bit upwards of that. Really, he had asked for it, hadn't he? Kicking you like that and just laying on the floor like some dumb bitch in a horror movie. You could've done a lot worse than that. In fact, you were being very reasonable with your punishment, to be honest.

"YOU'RE FUCKING CRAZY, DUDE!! WHAT THE HELL??"

"Didn't you assault us first?"

Were you misremembering or something? You weren't sure anymore because even Ciel looked stunned as if you defending yourself was strange. But she broke out of her stupor quickly- and out of the weakened grip of her harasser, thankfully.

"HOLY SHIT!" Ciel squawked, "Y/N! THAT WAS BADASS!!"

"Oh, so your name's 'Y/N', is it?" Sneered the guy who was holding onto Ciel- the guy in the leather jacket.

You blinked as he came rocketting towards you, quickly grabbing hold of the collar of your shirt.

"Well, how about you and me have a little chat then, Y/N. A-Actually? What the hell is wrong with your- face-?"

"You're drunk," You lied immediately- almost sheepish.

He blinked before leaning into your face so that you could feel his hot, cigarette-breath against your cheeks. In an instant, you pulled your head back and headbutted him. It was the only thing you could think to do so that he wouldn't think about it too much. Your glasses slipped further towards the back of your head from the force of pulling your head back- so thankfully they were out of the crossfire or else that would've been some wasted money.

He yelped. He held his forehead, and his face contorted in anguished. You weren't paying too much attention. The blood inside you seemed to jump and scream and rage- urging you to spill their guts out onto the pavement.

You refrained. He started to regain focus.

"Just who the fuck do you think you are, BITCH?! We were only trying to talk and then you go around ACTING LIKE A BITCH!" He already said 'bitch' as an insult and you tried to hide your wince at the poor language choice.

Thankfully, his eyes were mostly closed now, or squinting. Probably because of the light shining in his eyes. It was definitely better that way. You preferred it immensely to him drawing attention to the problem. Also, he maybe had a much deserved concussion. The hospital reports were gonna be wild.

"JUST- attacked us OUT OF NOWHERE!" Each word slurred into the next, and every syllable dragged onto the next one, like they were piling ontop of each other, "What the fuck is wrong with you?!"

'Do you want a list?' You tried not to grimace at the thought.

"I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT HE SAW IN YOU!" He gestured broadly with one hand, "FUCKED UP- FACE- AND- GOD! YOU HEADBUTT HARD, WHAT'S IN THERE, BRICKS?!" When you didn't reply, he took this as an opportunity to keep going, "And- the FUCK- you think you're so cool, don't you? Because you got me good with a sucker-hit?? And PUNCHED my friend!!"

"I also stomped on his leg," You pointed out, unhelpfully.

"I can SEE THAT JACKASS!!"

"I don't think you can see much of anything right now, to be honest."

"SHE'S FUCKING CRAZY, MAN!" The bitch boy sobbed, "JUST LET HER GO- OH GOD-!" He swallowed as he said it, gasping for breath, "I THINK I NEED TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL!"

"That's what you fucking get!" Ciel pointed, triumphantly, "Mess with us again, I fucking dare you!"

That was not helping. You shot a glare at her, just wanting this to be over with. It was so much hassle. Especially after the shitty day you'd had. She didn't notice- she wasn't even looking at you. You couldn't tell if that was a good or bad thing.

"YOU, SHUT UP BITCH! I swear to FUCK I WILL KILL HIM!" The guy who had you by the shirt turned back to you and you narrowed your eyes, mostly concerned for his mental state than your own physical well-being- because really, there was no danger.

Did he honestly think he was going to commit a murder in an alleyway and get away with it after his friends had left DNA evidence all over the place? His talking had left spittle over your cheeks (which even if you wiped off, there'd be lingering DNA on your sleeves and the bacteria from his mouth would probably stay on your face, too), and he had fingerprints on your shirt.

The guy on the floor had left drops of blood from his broken nose- honestly, they were complete amateurs and they actually thought their murder threats held any weight?? Really???

"That seems counterproductive," You pointed out, wryly.

"Shut the- SHUT THE FUCK UP!!" He shook you violently as if trying to disorient you.

Of course, the only reason you allowed it was because making him underestimate you was important to causing minimal damage. It meant he wasn't careful, which means you didn't have to brute force it. You could outwit him, which would mean you wouldn't need to go too far.

Something shifted in the air. You hardly noticed, listening to the panging of your own heartbeat. Your eyes honed onto him closely and he wasn't even keeping all of his sloppy attention on you. He was looking back at his friends to gauge if he could still had their back-up if he needed it, and probably for a confidence boost, too.

Well, as far as they were concerned, you were drunk and a prude. And also weirdly calm, too.

'Man, I should really be emulating some emotion on my face, right...?' But what expression was appropriate for this situation, though??

You didn't really pull angry expressions for things like this. Maybe if you were kidding around or angry at your siblings. But pure, unbridled rage like this just filtered through into numbness.

You didn't have an expression for this detached sensation of anger. Like all of the rage was throbbing through you- as if you really wanted to tear these morons limb from limb- and really, you could. But... like, you were also far away, just sort of going through the motions.

After all, these guys weren't really your target. In the back of your mind, faceless individuals hurting your siblings, or even just that Jane bitch in general found there place, igniting your vexations, whispering things that could be said- begging for forgiveness, cruel worlds towards the people you care about. These guys were nothing, just collateral damage, really. It was like Godzilla knocking down a building while trying to get to King Kong or something. Godzilla doesn't give a shit about the building it just smashed. It just sort of happened when things were in it's warpath. That's how it is.

You contemplated your expression for a moment, settling on wide eyes and parted lips, as if you were just beginning to get shocked.

The guy sprayed his musty spit on your face from saying something and then reared his fist back to hit you in the face. Even if it hit, it wouldn't do much. Plus, it would be more believable for you if you came out with some kind of scratch, right?

"HEY! NO! LEAVE THEM ALONE!!"

Ciel surged forward and grabbed him from behind with all the experience of a drunk boxer- so, clearly knowing the motions but being unable to execute them with finesse. She got behind him and hauled her arms around his face, receiving a harsh elbow to the cheek which stunned her enough to make her stagger back a few steps.

Maybe you could've prevented that if you actually did something there.

. . . Nah, it was a little funny.

You could apologise to Ciel later. Easily grabbing his wrist, you overpowered him and twisted his arm as you swiped a leg under both of his knees, sending him roughly to the ground.  His other hand on your shirt threatened to pull you down with him but it was really easy to get him to let go with a rough karate chop to his elbow. He cried out in pain and...

Maybe you used a bit too much strength there. You sucked in a hissing breath through your teeth as if you felt the pain of the impact. Really, you were just worried about how that made you look. Probably very strong. Which was... uh, true. But not something others needed to know.

With a strangled, scream, he cradled his elbow (which thankfully hadn't shattered or anything, that would be hard to explain). Those ligaments and tendons were probably... not in the best condition anymore. Hey, at least he was in leather, that meant the bruise probably wasn't as bad as it would've been.

It's the little things.

You reasoned that you coming out of this unscathed was believable because everyone else was drunk and Ciel had helped a little. Speaking of, she was looking at you, utterly beyond astonished. Like you were from outer space. Or like you had a second head.

"Y/N- my dude- what the actual fuck?" She slurred, rubbing her injured cheek with squinted eyes, like she was wincing and staring at the sun.

As the situation de-escalated, your heartbeat seemed to do the same. You weren't really... mad anymore, so you had begun to come down from your adrenaline rush. The glow dimmed on her face. And seeing these guys in pain and fear was sobering to the embarrassed panic you had been experiencing before. Ciel's hands shot to her face and she rubbed her eyes tentatively.

"Dude, I think I'm-... trippin balls right now," Ciel proclaimed, suddenly.

You nodded understandingly, even though she couldn't see, and when she looked back up, the sudden movement made her shut her eyes tightly. Well, you couldn't tell if that was a good thing for you or not. Your heart rate slowed and everything left behind was a sweaty, uncomfortable feeling and an anxious sensation clawing at your chest. Those guys had seen you- but they were so drunk they probably wouldn't remember, right?

And Ciel too. You were probably in the clear.

"But- Jesus- what the hell was that about??"

You looked at the assholes that you had just laid waste to, for a moment. Then you looked back to her, fishing for an excuse in the back of your mind.

"I... uhhh... lift."

"You lift??" She threw her arms out, squinting incredulously.

"Yeah... y'know. Weights."

That was a reasonable explanation, right? Right. 

"That wasn't what I meant and you know it!!"

You, in fact, didn't know it. She wasn't really clear about what she wanted from you in this regard. All you could do was let her hurry towards you and grab your shoulders. She leaned into your face, her breath reeking of all the alcohol she'd consumed, to the point that it was overwhelming again. The touch, making your stomach lurch in protest. You turned your head away.

"FUCK THIS!" Hawaiian-shirt-guy (you'd already forgotten his name) exclaimed, jumping up, and for a moment you went into high gear, expecting an attack, "AND FUCK YOU! FUCKING- FREAK!!"

Instead, he pulled up his fellow sleazeball with the injured leg- Aiden, wasn't it?- and let him hold an arm over his shoulder. Thankfully, despite the clenched teeth and seething glare on his face, the leather-jacket-guy seemed to get the memo and picked himself up, scowling.

You were glad it was that easy to deal with them. It would've been an inconvenience if they had some kind of backup.

"All you bitches are the same! Good enough to get drafted in the army for you but not good enough to fuck you?! And you wonder why you can never find a high-value man!!" 'Aiden' agreed, limping away with the help.

"You're ugly and fucked up anyway! You're lucky we even gave you a chance!" Todd, or whatever his name was, added.

"Yeah, okay, whatever," Ciel gave a dismissive wave with a roll of her eyes.

"YOU'RE INSANE! FUCKING INSANE!" Sniped the injured-leg-guy with all the confidence of a butthurt guy calling his ex crazy just because he got dumped.

You gave her a harsh pinch to her arm and a glare. This was so easy, they were leaving of their own accord- and Ciel was just egging them on to try and keep it coming! Fuck that! She shouldn't be looking a gift horse in the mouth!

Leather-jacket-guy turned around, like he was contemplating snapping at you both or even trying to physically attack you again. He gave a long, hard stare at your face- like he was analysing it, memorising it... or trying to recall what he saw before. Anxiously, you watched him. Waiting. Uncertain. When he pointed a shaky finger at you, you tried not to flinch. You couldn't help the nervousness returning at full force.

What would he say? You'd done so well to keep your secret for so long- to have it all undone by some asshat in an alleyway would be really stupid.

"... There's something fucking wrong with you. I'm getting the fuck out of here!" He declared before turning tail and hurrying after his stumbling friends.

Okay. Well, that was a better outcome than you could've hoped for. It seemed you'd unintentionally intimidated him with your appearance. You had to admit, you could get pretty scary when you got angry like that. But now, you just felt drained and tired and like shit. Filthy all over and messy with, like, two anxiety attacks in the span of a single hour. You were on the verge of crashing.

Ciel stumbled at your side and grabbed your shoulders and- belatedly, you actually felt the change in the air again. Like you were- being watched-?

"Where did you learn those moves, dude?" She asked, seeming even more drunk and even more out of it than before.

You even felt her swaying from side to side like a boat. Your eyes darted around the viscinity, sight bleary as you felt the full weight of your lack of glasses. You lifted a hand to slip them back onto your nose as you spoke.

"Uh... Y-... YouTube?"

"Y'know what- fuck it," It sounded like her mouth was full of water with the way she spoke- she grabbed your reach wrist and pulled you closer, "I am so turned on, right now."

You blinked. Silence stretched between you both.

"Uhh... okay??" There was an expectant look on her face as you uncomfortably shuffled away from her a bit, "What exactly do you want me to say about that?"

"Oh my god, you are fucking stupid," Within seconds, her lips were crashing against yours.

. . . It took a moment for you to register it, fully.

Stood there, with someone else's hot breath brushing against your face. And then suddenly you were pulled underwater. Her lips were soft, sure, but a squirming, disturbed sensation writhed in your chest, like your body was suddenly filled with maggots. Frozen, you were helpless to stop as this sensation spread to every point of contact, her other hand finding it's way to the back of your next, pressing you closer to deepen the kiss.

Without thinking, you turned your head to wrench yourself away and she gasped for breath. How long- how long had you just been stood there doing nothing? Something squeezed around your ribcage. Your stomach tangled and twisted.

You were pulled, quickly, towards a flaky, stained wall, and you dragged your heels, but with the adrenaline rush gone you were hardly fit to fight against this- and you weren't really scared, just confused, so the world didn't move fast enough for you to fight back.

"What- What is this??" You swiftly tried to pull back, "What's going on?! What?!"

"Dude-" Her breath fanned against your face, her back suddenly against this wall as both of her arms pulled you closer over your shoulders.

What the hell. What the hell. What the HELL?! A gross sensation like oil seemed to sludge from her touch and you began to realise that the wriggling in your lungs was- betrayal. Because! You were already spoken for!

THIS WAS CHEATING! YOU WERE CHEATING!!

Alarm bells, self-hated- all of it slammed into you full force and you began to pull back, frantic, mind racing- and eyes, trailing all over you, watching you, intense- judging- GOD, NO, NO, NO!

"Ciel-!!" You yelled, heart now racing, skin crawling- 'Let go- let go- let go-!!'

What would your beloved think if he saw you!? Nothing. He'd think NOTHING because he didn't even know you! Where were these thoughts coming from! Yes, your heart was taken but literally speaking you weren't dating him! Why were you suddenly swimming in this delusion NOW of all times?? If anything, you would just be leading Ciel on if you allowed this to fly, you wouldn't be CHEATING!

But every instinct inside of you screamed otherwise, clawing at the walls. Images flushed through your mind of Lindsey- your manager- everything- God- Just fucking EVERYTHING. And you gasped and pushed back from it- from her- overwhelmed and frightened as these horrifying thoughts came to your head- she was- coming between you- she was-

Your fingers dug into her dress. Her eyes were half-lidded- you could easily grab her hair and slam-

NO! She was drunk, she wasn't even thinking straight and she wouldn't do this if she was aware of how it made you feel. You had seen it earlier- the clarity in her eyes. She had pulled back when you made it obvious that you didn't want her to touch you! Now was only different because she wasn't as sober as before. She was probably drugged on something her friends and her had taken and it was starting to kick in- she looked dizzy. She wasn't thinking right. You chanted this over and over as you pried yourself away.

"Ciel- just-"

"Use my name, c'monn. I said you could!"

"Miss Ciel-"

"Y/N!" She whined and snapped you into some strange hug- and you were powerless to fight against it-

You could've just snapped her arms off and this never would've happened. Bent them backwards and twisted, popping them out of the sockets. Watching her skin rip and tear and muscles fray under your hold. Then- then this never would've happened. But you let this happen!

Just because you wanted some stupid friend! Were your family not enough?? Was Garrett- your beloved not enough for you?!

"You're drunk, Lucy!!" You snarled, managing to strong-arm your way at arm's length, but she had an iron grip on your shoulders again.

"Booo! Is that your only reason!? I don't care about that!" She pouted, yanking you back in.

"Wait! Wait!" You desperately pulled back, confused- uncertain- disgusted with yourself, "Ciel! Hold on!!"

Technically- it wasn't even technically cheating! But... even if it wasn't, it still felt like it! You were still betraying this deep and all-encompassing love- you were betraying that permanent, soul-strumming bond that you had for your Sweetheart! Even if you didn't mean to, even if it didn't really matter to him! It mattered to you! Panic swam inside and you reeled-

"Hey! Is everything okay back there??"

A voice came from the mouth of the alleyway, casting a shadow in the dullened light of the street lamps that barely reached the corners and crevices of the garbage-heaped, bacteria-clung place you stood in. Ciel's hold loosened at the sound and with ease, you wedged backwards, staggering a few steps.

You recognised the voice immediately. It would be impossible not to, after so long. The sound sent bursting, tingling, undeniably warm shockwaves through you, down to your very core. Something fiery, passionate and undeniably guilty awoke there as you turned and-

Your breath stopped.

He was shrouded in shadow but his figure was clear. Iridescent, moon-like eyes, large and wide. They were blue and icy in the dark like a cold, winter-noon sky. Your lungs folded into themselves at the breath-taking hue, so stark in the shade of the night.

It was-

It was Him.