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Ainosuke Shindo or Adam, the fact was that he wasn't either one or the other. The heir of the Shindo family was a very polished and perfect image, printed on posters and playing his role as expected with a worked out smile on the TV and excelling at being efficient at meetings and official events. A very meticulously essayed smile that meant nothing and it's rotten emptiness was really eating everything, like a void. Adam was something so much more, the release he needed but wasn't really worthy of. The Matador of Love was a big amazing monster that showed teeth and incredible tricks but was just a polished image of something he wanted but couldn't really have. To live between those two images, like a shadow, was really exhausting. Sometimes he wondered if it meant anything. Ainosuke Shindo looked so powerful and smooth and charming while defending ideals from a party that he really didn't like too much but Ainosuke Shindo seemed to defend them fearlessly. Ainosuke Shindo was liked by the public and did awful things on closed doors. Adam did amazing and awful things out in the open. And people admired both Ainosuke Shindo and Adam. They weren't the same people, of course. The ones that liked Ainosuke Shindo mostly wouldn't approve Adam, and the ones that liked Adam would be absolutely betrayed and disgusted by Ainosuke Shindo's conservative discourse. And he was in the middle, hating Ainosuke Shindo, the perfect marionette, and desiring The Matador of Love, wanting his freedom and violence and to be looked up to and be extraordinary. But he could never have that, not for real. He was just an empty doll.
Some time ago, really long ago now, he thought that maybe he could escape what he was born to. He had friends to escape the terrifying Shindo Manor with and dreamed about just leaving everything.
Tadashi, one night by the pool, promised something against his wet cheek and he believed him. They were gonna escape together. It didn't matter where and his heart was beating fast as they kissed clumsily and salty because of his own tears. But that promise meant nothing at the end, and Tadashi chose a side that wasn't his. Tadashi pushed him away and soon his father pushed him to the chosen path for him definitely and he had to play the role everyone chose for him. For Ainosuke Shindo, that was meant for great things, you're gonna carry the family name exceptionally, you were born for that after all. And then a few wonderful years of something like freedom. He was all alone in America. Until he wasn't. He was coming back and he hated it. Those few blissful years had shown him so much freedom, so many ways to shut off his feelings. To pretend he wasn't linked to Ainosuke Shindo.
But he was pretty much cursed. He wasn't Adam and he was bound to Ainosuke Shindo.
And then he was all alone, in that huge and cold manor, again, with huge paintings of old people with stern faces framed in golden and intricate mounting frames that he didn't want to look at, dead eyes always staring, always staring and judging and hating. His mother didn't have a painting though and he sometimes tried to recall her face but it was useless.
Tadashi was there but he was nothing like the kid he once was. His face, blank and distant, no matter what he asked him for, and that made him even more desperate. He asked for more and more difficult and demanding tasks, just to see him fail or make him complain but that never happened and it was strangely frustrating, like he couldn't reach him, like he, himself, were worthless to make Tadashi react in any possible way. Tadashi didn't care about him at all, uh? It didn't matter that the man was already dead, Tadashi was still his father's bitch, always surrounded by his ghost so he was unable to reclaim him for himself, even if he wanted it. How badly he wanted it.
But he couldn't. And he couldn't escape that big terrifying house. Just the void on his chest getting bigger and darker and to pretend to be either one image or another, one fantasy or the other.
What was even the point of it? Everything was completely meaningless after all.
Not even skating and trying desperately to find his Eve again was capable of filling that void. No one was able to match his pace, no one was it, no one filled the void.
No amount of cigarette burns on his own skin did the trick of calming down him anymore in particularly bad days, where he wanted to just stay in bed, hiding under the expensive sheets and covers, to not put any mask on, to just lay there and be slowly forgotten, to sleep the days and nights to skip reality and responsibilities he didn't really want, and he would hurt himself to make his mind wonder in a different kind of pain that this horrible and sulking loneliness. To hurt himself at least was a pain that seemed to be controlled, the only thing he could control in his own life.
Some days were definitely worst that others and when the week was almost over and he went to S and did stupidly dangerous things on his board, mostly wanting to fail and injury himself, that was the only moment his mind has truly quiet and silent and free and he wanted to fall, wonderfully and unexpectedly, the great final act, he wanted to amaze and terrify everyone with an espectacular and grandiloquent death and finally, at last, leave everything and be nothing more than flesh and blood and bones and a filthy spectacle and food for animals in forgotten mountains, a horror story and later barely a memory and then nothing at all.
Nothing at all.
But he never failed any trick. Even if he wanted so badly to.
And he went back to the Shindo Manor.
Some days he would fuck strangers, expecting to shut the void off but it never does the trick. He feels powerful being Adam, desired and mighty, but then he's not Adam anymore and a very nasty voice inside his bones makes fun of him. And he can't make it stop, no matter what he did.
He tried and tried to find his Eve again at S and his old friends tries to race him, to make him face them and explain why he just left years ago but he can't. He won't race them, he won't face them. It's too painful. And he felt ashamed because they had planned so many wonderful things at some point and then he just disappeared, following his father's orders, a doll without will, and then he liked being away, even if he did miss them, but he never wanted that tiny freedom away.
So he can't. So he denied their challenges and soon he didn't even race anyone, just looking at the screens in Shindo Manor, heartbroken and alone. All alone and accepting that his Eve would never appear and he was left to rot in fancy belongings that one time were his father's.
And it's too painful. Existing, living, without a reason to. So he decided it's enough.
And everything turns a blur when he prepares his own bath and drinks expensive whiskey that burns but not enough, and he expects that no one finds him until the next day, when Tadashi comes to pester him about meetings and things he does not want or care about. The little traidor. Always silent and pushing him to be Ainosuke Shindo. And he thinks of his mother and he thinks that he finally understands why she killed herself and he expects that his picture, just like hers, never gets to the wall after doing something like this, and he feels so close to her, even if he can't recall her face.
He wanted it, so badly, the amazing embrace of death. To finally be saved. To be rocked back and forth until there's no nothing left. And he slides the blade on his skin and it stirs and he likes it. It's nice. And he lies there on the warm water turning red and he's finally happy.
Until he's not.
He's angry. So angry and frustrated and wanting to throw things and scream and hit himself and he hates Tadashi for being there, doing his job perfectly, the perfect little Aichiiro's bitch. He was sitting at his side in a very white hospital room, looking dead and it's a complete joke.
He sees bandages on his wrists and wants to cry. He couldn't even have that.
Tadashi, always so damn diligent, takes care of everything and the press never gets to know anything.
His aunts get angry and don't talk to him but that's better, in fact.
So he sulks on misery and failure and in between two images and he is nothing.
So close, but never enough it seemed. So close to real freedom, to close that void on this chest that is bigger than ever now, to shut off that voice inside that is meaner than ever.
The bad days got worse and there's just so much unintelligible noise inside of him.
His aunts began to talk to him more and more about finding a woman. A bride. A perfect one to fit the Shindo family, not a failure like your mother. And he gets angry on her behalf but does not show it. He feels trapped and he is truly afraid and he had known for ages that he doesn't like women in the slightest and that it didn't matter because he was supposed to marry a woman and have a child and so on. He said he's busy with his political career and that's true. They insisted and tried to make him go to meetings with women, heirs of other big families they chose for him. Somehow Tadashi helps him, saying one particularly bad day when they bring the subject back that his agenda is pretty much full with the party and elections coming soon and charity obligations and such. He feels grateful but doesn't say anything to Tadashi about it and nothing really changes between them.
And one day it happens. Or one night. Right when he thought it would never happen. And he gets agitated and desperate and he can't belive it.
Thats it, right?
It has to be!
His Eve.
Finally, that boy has to be his fated Eve.
He sat very still on the expensive chair and watched the screens. There’s something on those blue eyes, it has to be right?!
Could it be possible?
After all this time? After losing any hope? After hurting so much?
He gets everything ready to meet him soon, coming back to S abruptly. And his heart was really so full of hope. And the more he gets closer or he sees him, the more he feels sure about it. This is it. This boy has to be his Eve.
Snow.
Beautiful and wonderful Snow, hurting just like him, he just knows, he can see it. Amazing and magical, wild on his board, beating experienced skaters beautifully. Made just for him. One made for the other, fate finally making them reunite.
Finally, maybe the pain would go away.
Snow is sweetly oblivious. It doesn’t really matter, he just finds that endearing. He skates reckless and fearless and it’s incredible to see. Something really wonderful.
And then Tadashi does something.
Something incredibly surprising and he’s angry, mostly because Tadashi wants to steal away from him his only hope. It’s cruel. Again, Tadashi betrayed him. Hadn't he chosen to just stand there like a useless mannequin? Why get in the middle now, when he’s so close to hold his Eve and stop hurting?
Snow, Langa, on the other hand, excels expectations. He's amazing and unique and surely his Eve.
One night Adam hurts Cherry. Adam says things to him that he doesn't really mean but Adam does. Adam means them. He always does and Adam it's an imparable force, chaotic and angry and thirsty.
But then, that redhead.
That pathetic redhead, getting in the middle all the time. And Snow chooses him, over and over again, and it hurts, a million pieces of broken glass piercing his already suffering heart. He’s hurting more than ever. And that stupid boy, without anything to offer, humilliates Adam in front of so many people. It's horrible. He had never wanted to die more than that night. Adam disappears in thin air and everybody laughed and it's just him, looking at his reflection on dirty water, a pathetic worthless thing covered in mud and rain water, and he wanted to cry louder, to rip his heart out because even his perfect fated Eve is going to see him like this and then the boy is congratulating the redhead and standing in front of him and it hurts. The ugly void getting bigger and bigger.
Tadashi gets him back to the car, his jacket around his shoulders and Tadashi's hands are warm and soft and delicate when cleaning him up, and he’s too tired and broken to fight it. Tadashi’s hands are too gentle and he doesn’t deserve that softness. He hated it.
And he finally gets it.
He’s gonna do it.
The final beef against Snow is really going to be the end.
So he gets a new suit that matches the occasion perfectly, and makes Tadashi prepare the old racing course.
He gets it now. Not even his Eve can save him. Not even his Eve wants him. He’s nothing, he’s worthless and useless and too far broken. So he decided to take matters on his own two hands again. Mostly because he can’t stand this anymore. It’s asphyxiating and painful and too much and never enough.
So that's it, right?
Until it's not.
He thought that Snow got it too, and for one amazing moment he seemed like he did. But then he was saying words too gentle and too painful to hear, talking about friendship and things he could never have again, things forbidden for him. Things he could never reach, things he didn't deserve. And suddenly there's nothing. And his friends are congratulating him, that annoying redhead boy and the ones who one time were his own friends and Miya and Shadow and everybody.
And soon he's not seeing them, just Tadashi, blank face, accompanying him to the car and he felt confused and ashamed and why things turned out this way? He had a plan after all. But Snow's words…
He was waiting to die tonight, why didn't he just do it? To fall impressively. Why did that boy offer his hand like that? It was too painful.
And for the first time in many years, he cries.
Tadashi does something he didn't expect. He sat in the back of the car and held him through the tears. And he cries and cries, like a child, and it's pathetic and he hates it but is unable to stop himself and Tadashi holds him firmly in perfect silence. And he is whimpering against Tadashi's shirt and it's awful, he hates it so much, to feel like this, to be so weak. But Tadashi is warm and comfortable so he cries.
They go to Shindo Manor and never talk about it again.
But one night Tadashi insists and apologizes to him and it’s painful, even if he had already made up his mind on the matter and he is no longer bitter at him.
Tadashi says something then, something in which he hadn’t thought in years.
Why don't we run away, Sir? Let’s leave everything.
And he wants to.
And it goes against everything he had learn until this point, against everything he accepted, against his aunts and his father's memory, and its a big scandal and he's sure his own painting is leaving the Shindo Manor's wall and being burned. He is a shame on the family name. And it goes to the news, that he's leaving the party and giving no declarations, he doesn't know what to say anyway. And he feels bad, like betraying everyone by chosing to escape like this. A big, terrible failure.
They still doesn't fit right somedays. A very small appartment, where he can't even hide, because the thing is tiny and Tadashi always finds him when he is trying to hurt himself. Because he still has bad, awful, horrible days, and he still feels broken and beyond repair, hopeless and empty. But now Tadashi holds him and somehow it hurts a little less. And someday Tadashi says another weird and unexpected thing. That is okay to feel like this. That they are going to fix each other. And that can't be right, he doesn't deserve it, but it feels nice to hear it, like a sweet balm on a burning wound that never heals.
And they have good days too, they laugh and watch stupid old movies and talk in whispers and cuddle and one day he tries to teach Tadashi to dance and it goes terrible but it's kind of funny somehow so it doesn't matter. And he even talks with Kaoru and Kojiro one night at the restaurant, and Langa smiles softly, with that redhead boy at his side looking at him suspiciously and he still feels a little bitter with the boy to tell the truth, but he tries not to think about it. And soon he discovers that the little redhead is really nice and interesting even and they talk about board designs and it's refreashing. It's strange but someday he finds himself laughing and having a really good time with these people and a very nasty voice inside of him says that he doesn't deserve it, that he is nothing, that he only deserves pain and he is panicking but then does his best to ignore it.
And maybe everything is really going to work out. Even if it's painful, somehow everyday hurts a little less to be alive.