I heard Batman laughed at Green Lantern today

Hal tries to ask Batman about tax benefits and is forced to explain how he and Guy ended up married.
This is the best thing that happened to Bruce all week.

Notes:

(See the end of the work for notes.)

Work Text:

"Run it by me again", Bruce says, very slowly, like he's talking to a three year old.

"I don't see what's so complicated about this", Hal says, crossing his arms sullenly, like a toddler. "I just wanted to know about the tax benefits."

"The tax benefits", Bruce says, "For your marriage with Guy Gardner."

"Yes, exactly", Hal says, "Just like I said. I can get married to Guy if I want to."

"Mhm", Bruce says sceptically. "And how did you get Guy to marry you?"

"Well - wait", Hal says, slowly and obviously getting offended. "Wait, wait, wait, are you implying Guy is too good for me?"

Bruce stares at him, watching Hal sputter.

"Fuck you!" Hal yells, pointing at him. "I am a catch, and Guy should be glad to have me!"

"Hrn", Bruce says, giving him a disdainful once-over. "And how did Guy catch you then?"

"You fucking - Listen, Bruce", Hal says, leaning back in his chair and putting his feet on the table. "Sometimes, when two men are drunk and can be in Vegas in less than a minute, they get the idea to get married. I don't know why you're so confused about this!"

"Because you getting married is the last thing I would have expected in this life or the next", Bruce says, melodramatically, as is appropriate. "How did you get the idea?"

"Yeah, well", Hal says, faltering and looking away, blushing. "Guy said I was scared."

"Scared... of marrying him."

"Of commitment!" Hal says defensively. "So I said, 'I'm not scared', and he said 'Prove it' and I said 'Fine', and he said 'Bet you'll chicken out' and I said 'Bet I won't' and then I had to!"

"So essentially", Bruce says, "Guy conned you into marrying him."

"No, that's - oh that bastard", Hal shouts, vaulting out of his chair. "I'm going to kill him!"

They deserve each other, Bruce thinks, watching Hal zoom through the Watchtower at speeds generally unsafe for any unenhanced people he comes across.

Then, he pulls out his phone and opens the chat titled 'Fourth Worst Lantern'.

So, Guy and Hal got shotgun-married in Vegas last night.

I know

It's horrible

I owe Guy so much money now

Can't believe Hal just went with it

Idiot

Did you make a bet with Guy about marrying Hal.

I said he couldn't do it! And he said "Bet I can" and I was so sure he couldn't. So now I owe him money.

Is the lack of braincell something you catch from dating Hal or is it a previous requirement?

Wait, don't block me

"Hn", Bruce tells his phone, switching the chat to the one called 'Sixth Worst Lantern'.

Tell Star Sapphire to unblock me. I need to tell her something.

???

You text Carol?

Is it important? Kinda busy rn

Yes. Use my exact phrasing. Now.

You know memes???????

I don't know why you're asking that. Just text Carol.

Hello????

Bruce ignores Kyle's other messages, waiting for the moment Carol unblocks him, immediately hitting call.

It takes her a while to pick up, probably out of spite, but she does pick up, which is all Bruce needs.

"What", Carol snarls, and Bruce smirks to himself, hearing a door open on her end of the call.

He couldn't have timed it better if he'd tried.

"Carol", he hears Hal whine, and makes his move before she can respond.

"Bitch", he says, and Carol yells in wordless rage.

"I'm going evil again just to murder you!"

"What", Hal says, muffled. "Carol, why? What'd I - "

The line goes dead.

"Ha", Bruce says, extremely satisfied with himself.

Notes:

You ever write a fic and just laugh to yourself while writing it? I had to ask for help to come up with a plot for this prompt, but!!! I can see it, I really can.
Ask me about Bruce's Lantern ranking please please it's so funny to me

Series this work belongs to:

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Forces (Guest) Mon 20 Sep 2021 08:15AM UTC

Ok I'm actually curious, why is Carol's "Worst Lantern" ranking higher than Kyle's? Honestly wouldn't expect that.

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1. SuperIceLight Mon 20 Sep 2021 08:45AM UTC
  
  Kyle is a very nice young man who at least pretends to listen to Bruce most of the time. They had a great run in the Justice League together and - this is very important - Kyle has never tried to kill him.
  Carol, on the other hand, starts laughing the second Bruce tries ordering her around and is impossible! to work with! She also gets a debuff for every single time she caused problems for him as Star Sapphire, back when she was evil.
  Also, she brought Hal as her plus one to one of Bruce's galas one time and he hasn't ever forgiven her for that.
  The title of Least Worst Lantern currently belongs to John, but only because Bruce hasn't seen him in three days so there was no chance of him making his ranking worse. As soon as John comes by again something will come up. It always does.
  Simon was the Least Worst Lantern for about five minutes when he gave up his gun, until Bruce remembered that he introduced himself to the League by saying he could probably take Batman in a fight.
  Then the title went back to the usual Least Worst Lantern: Salaak.
  Guy and Hal are always the Worst and Second Worst Lanterns, of course. They compete for the first place.
  The rest is more variable but all of it is very petty.
  Thanks for reading and for asking!!! I have opinions(tm).
  
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2. 1. Forces (Guest) Mon 20 Sep 2021 08:50AM UTC
    
    Geez, no wonder he doesn't like lanterns much.
    And one more question if you don't mind, who is the third worst lantern in Bruce's list and what's Jessica's ranking on it?
    
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  2. 1. SuperIceLight Mon 20 Sep 2021 11:07AM UTC
      
      Oh, Bruce likes the Lanterns just fine. They are all just The Worst (affectionate).
      Third Worst Lantern is Alan, for the simple reason that he lives and works in Gotham - which is Bruce's thing! That's his, he can't do that! - and then he won't even join his team.
      Bruce may have had a giant crush on him as a teenager that he thinks about everytime he sees Alan, and no one is ever allowed to know. It's The Worst.
      Jess is currently the Fifth Worst Lantern. She managed to accidentally become both the Least Worst Lantern and the Worst Lantern in short succession and nearly died from embarrassment.
      By now, she's over it and has made it her goal to be on every single spot at least once.
      She's trying to recruit Oracle to the cause. It might land her on the number 1 spot as the Absolute Worst for a month straight but that is a price she is willing to pay.
      And I'm always glad to talk about my stupid little stories!!
      
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Kiseia Mon 20 Sep 2021 09:06AM UTC

Guy is SO SNEAKY. the sneakiest.
Also pls tell me about Bruce's lantern ranking

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1. SuperIceLight Mon 20 Sep 2021 11:00AM UTC
  
  Guy has perfected the art of manipulating Hal by saying "Why, you scared?" at whatever he wants Hal to do. Just a shame (for him) the same strategy works on him too lmao
  Bruce ranks the Lanterns by how annoyed he currently is with them. It's an ever changing and mysterious list and there is no Best Lantern. They are all The Absolute Worst (affectionate) just sometimes more.
  The current ranking is:
  #1 Absolute Worst Lantern: Hal. It's always Guy or Hal at #1, and currently Hal's leading cuz he's currently the bigger idiot.
  #2 Worst Lantern: Guy, because Bruce thinks conning Hal into marriage is funny.
  Guy and Hal both always try to get the #1 spot, obviously. No one else manages to stay there for longer than a few hours (or days if Hal and Guy are both out of contact.)
  #3 Worst Lantern: Alan. He lives in Bruce's house (Gotham) and he won't even join his team?? Horrible. Terrible. Bruce used to have a giant crush on him as a teenager, and he thinks about it everytime he sees Alan and no one can ever know.
  #4 Worst Lantern: Carol. Mostly because she never listens to anything Bruce tells her to do and just laughs at him, but he's also still salty about every single problem she ever caused him while she was still evil.
  #5 Worst Lantern: Jess. She managed to be both Least Worst Lantern and #1 Absolute Worst Lantern in short succession and nearly died from the anxiety it gave her. By now, she's over it and has the goal of hitting every spot at least once. She's trying to convince Oracle to help her take third place from Alan. She might start a prank war that lands her in first place for a few months straight. We'll see.
  #6 Worst Lantern: Kyle. Bruce has leftover positive feelings about Kyle because they had a good run together in the Justice League, and Kyle also at least pretends to listen to him. Sometimes. Still too annoying (affectionate) to qualify for Least Worst Lantern.
  #7 Worst Lantern: Simon. Bruce likes Simon. He thinks having a backup plan for the ring failing was very smart, even if he disagreed with the execution, and he was so proud when Simon chose to give up his gun, he actually put him down as the Least Worst Lantern. For about five minutes, until Simon opened his mouth again and Bruce remembered him saying he could take Batman, totally, as his introduction to the JLA.
  #8 Worst Lantern: Kilowog. When they first met, Bruce thought about making him the exclusive Best Lantern because he seemed so reasonable and smart, until he learned he's friends with Guy. At that point, Bruce gave up all hope for a Good Lantern forever.
  Second-to-Least-Worst Lantern: Kelie. She originally was in the Least Worst spot, because Tim's friend and baby, until he met her and she cursed him out for not making her ranking worse. Now, she is forever stuck as Second-to-Least-Worse, because she gets so offended over it and it's really, really funny.
  Tim told her she's the Worst Lantern in his ranking and Guy got incredibly jealous because that used to be his spot, and then Tim told him he's the Best Lantern to him and Guy couldn't speak for five minutes straight cuz he bluescreened so hard.
  Least Worst Lantern: John, but only because Bruce hasn't seen him in three days. As soon as they meet again, something will happen and the least worst title will go back to its rightous owner: Salaak.
  Bruce met him once, over a decade ago, for five minutes, but he keeps hearing good things about him.
  He works in administration? He put Guy in Time Out Jail? Everyone keeps complaining he's got a stick up his butt? Least Worst Lantern.
  
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2. 1. Kiseia Sun 17 Oct 2021 05:15AM UTC
    
    BRUCE'S CRUSH ON ALAN. HELP. Now I want that fic. That's literally so funny... Bruce... your taste... also Gotham was Alan's house FIRST. He gets seniority
    I believe in Jess. She can do it. Steal Hal and Guys thunder out from under them
    Being annoying is actually Kyle's worst character trait 😔 rip Kyle
    LMAO I DIDN'T KNOW THAT ABOUT SIMON, how he introduced himself. Omg. I love him even more.
    Omg... Guy I will put you in as my best lantern too
    Of course Bruce admires those abilities about Salaak. Of course.
    John needs to come back and take his righteous place on the list
    I love all of this.
    
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  2. 1. SuperIceLight Fri 29 Oct 2021 12:31PM UTC
      
      I think you mean being annoying is Kyle's BEST character trait
      Bruce crushing on Alan is one of my fave concepts, especially if it's combined with Bruce starting Batmaning as a teenager.
      Just imagine being Alan, Gotham Resident Hero for the past thirty years when suddenly this giant muscly dude in a creepy suit starts lurking around and staring weirdly and mutely at you - and then imagine being Bruce, 16, tounge tied over the handsome older man.
      It's so funny and no one can ever know, especially not Alan.
      
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Lynn_Kaminari0727 Fri 08 Oct 2021 01:46AM UTC

wtf Bruce

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River9Noble Fri 25 Feb 2022 05:35AM UTC

PFFFFFFFFFFFF this was so fuckin hilarious 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 batman’s CHATS OMG

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impulsewriter Sat 23 Jul 2022 09:27PM UTC

this was hilarious and also I need to know everything about Bruce's Lantern ranking like, yesterday. lmao

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loveliest_Leaf Tue 01 Apr 2025 12:08PM UTC

XD 💐

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Clown_begone Sat 09 Aug 2025 07:24AM UTC

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

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