Chapter Text
Sirius Black had left for the summer at the end of year five.
He had not come back.
The boy who came back was not Sirius.
They had parted happily, stealing knowing glances from each other, silent reminders of the kiss they shared in their dorm room once Peter and James had left with their suitcases. They hugged at the train station as Sirius promised to send a letter at least once a month. Exactly a month later, a letter had arrived at Remus’ door, from the Potter household. It was a short, to-the-point letter. It read; He is here, safe. Been through a lot. Needs time. Don’t come.
Remus, of course, knew who the letter was about. He had pleaded and begged and cried to his parents, to no avail, to let him go to James’ house. Something had happened to Sirius and he needed to see him. Hope and Lyall were adamant. The letter had clearly told him not to go there and they wanted Remus to respect that.
So, Remus had written, and written, and written. He had constantly sent them letters and rarely received any. The ones that had arrived were short and written by James.
He’s happy to hear from you. Says he’ll be okay.
He doesn’t want you to worry.
He thinks about you a lot. Misses you too.
He’s grateful for the letters, wishes you an uneventful full moon.
It was as if James was intentionally providing little information to make him worry. He constantly waited for their letters to arrive, they represented hope. A stupid, childish hope that Sirius was thinking about him, that he was okay enough to send something.
Remus himself wasn’t doing well, either. His waking hours were spent worrying and nights weren’t much better. In the happy dreams, Sirius would be okay. They would hug and laugh and joke and maybe, just maybe, kiss. They would run around the corridors of Hogwarts and Sirius would pull him into an empty classroom and snog him senseless. They would lie down on one of the couches in the common room with Sirius’ head on his chest and listen to the creaking of the woods burning in the fireplace.
In the bad dreams, he would lose Sirius. Remus would enter their dorm room and find him gone, no clothes, no posters, no nothing. In another one, he would see him gone again, this time in the quidditch fields. He would be down on the ground, lying in a pool of his own blood, eyes shut and one leg twisted in a humanly impossible angle.
In one of his letters, Remus had written about his wish to see them. This had resulted in him receiving the longest letter to date.
He isn’t okay and doesn’t want you to see him that way. You’re going to have to trust me to take care of him for now. School starts in a month, we’ll be there.
And they were.
Partially.
Sirius wasn’t completely himself. He rarely spoke, never laughed and barely ate. He had lost more weight than he could afford and the way his clothes sagged made it impossible to miss. Peter would leave all of Sirius’ favourite foods and treats that he grabbed from the kitchens on his nightstand, day after day, hoping he would take a bite or two, though, Sirius rarely did. Remus could probably see his ribs if he were shirtless but Sirius, the same boy who refused to wear anything unless absolutely necessary, now refused to even change in front of anyone. This much beauty shouldn’t be covered up, Moony, you should try it sometime, he would wink with a meaningful grin. Remus didn’t think he’d seen Sirius make eye contact with anyone, let alone wink at them, in so long now.
He missed classes every day and in the ones he did attend, he might as well not have been there. Sirius should’ve been joking around, and pranking his classmates and disturbing the continuity of the lesson. It wasn’t natural for him to just sit quietly in a corner, take notes and then leave without saying a word. The Marauders were out of balance without him, they felt and, probably, looked out of place. There was little joy in their conversations.
There had been two full moons since the term had started. Padfoot was there both times. Remus didn’t expect him to, he wouldn’t have held it against him if he weren’t. Merlin, it must’ve taken him every last bit of energy to do so. Padfoot was weak and lethargic, yet he still tried to play with the wolf as much as he could endure. And the wolf wasn’t interested in much else but the dog. They played less than most other times and once when Padfoot got tired and lied down on the ground, the wolf laid itself beside him, chewed his ear and nuzzled his neck. When Remus woke up in the Shrieking Shack the next morning, he saw Sirius sitting by his side, eyes closed with his head resting against the wall. He had opened his eyes upon hearing Remus wriggling to put some clothes on. He had given the exhausted boy a sad, half-smile and extended his hand. Remus reached out and held it. Sirius closed his eyes again and sighed softly as Remus pressed a kiss on his palm.
“I miss you.” Remus had said, planting kisses all over Sirius’s hand and wrist.
“I miss you, too.” Sirius answered with silent tears falling down his cheeks.
That was the most intimate moment they had shared in months.
“I love you.” Remus had confessed as he sidled up to him, ignoring the excruciating pain deep within his bones and muscles, holding and kissing both of Sirius’ hands, with tears trailing down his cheeks as well. “I love you, Pads. I love you. Please, please...” He begged, not entirely sure for what.
Sirius slowly got his hands back and pressed his palms to his eyes, wiping away the tears, then getting up on his feet.
“Wormtail is upstairs, Prongs is in the next room, Poppy should be here any minute now.” Sirius informed and made his way out.
All Remus could do was watch him go and sob senseless.
The nights were hands down the worst part. Sirius barely slept, he would spend most nights out on a balcony in the dorm, lighting another cigarette before putting out the other. He couldn’t fall asleep and when he did, he would usually wake up screaming from a nightmare just a few hours later. Night after night, James would crawl into his bed and hold him until Sirius cried himself to exhaustion and fell asleep again. Some of those nights, Remus would wake up first. He would be the one to crawl into Sirius’ bed, he would be the one to hold him as he sobbed. Remus would hug him tight and kiss the top of his head as Sirius went still in his arms and with tears drying on his cheeks. After he returned to his own bed, Remus would cry and cry.
He felt so powerless.
Once, he had begged James to tell him.
“Please,” he had pleaded, “I can’t stand seeing him wither away and not be able to do anything about it.”
“I can’t, Moony.”
“For the love of Merlin, Prongs, I’ll do anything.”
“He’ll explain everything when he can. Trust me Remus, not being able to tell you hurts him more than not knowing hurts you.”
“But...”
“Give him time” James requested softly as he left the dinner table. “Prodding the bloke won’t do either of you any good.”
In hindsight, Remus probably should’ve listened to him. If he did, he probably wouldn’t be in this situation.
A few days after the full moon, and the moment they shared in the Shrieking Shack, Sirius was at none of his usual hiding places. Not at the dormitory or the balcony or the common room, not anywhere else, either. So, Remus did what any other worried friend in his situation would do, took out the Marauder’s Map and checked Sirius’ location. Guilt washed over him as he made his way up the Astronomy Tower. Snooping on friends was wrong, snooping on Sirius when he was in a vulnerable state like this was worse.
Remus contemplated going back to the dorm and letting Sirius be as he swung the door of the uppermost floor open.
Sirius was sitting on the edge of the window, swinging his legs down with a cigarette in one hand and a bottle of firewhiskey in the other.
“Sirius?”
“I guessed it was you, Moony” Sirius giggled without looking back at him as he took a big swig from the drink.
“What are you doing here, Pads?”
“Isn’t a wizard allowed to pout in the Astronomy Tower by himself?”
Sirius’ words were slurred and barely understandable, clearly caused by the nearly empty bottle of alcohol in his hand. He took a deep breath from the cigarette and slowly exhaled. Smoking had always been one of Sirius’ favourite vices, smoking isn’t the only thing burning up my insides, Moony, he would joke, but behind the façade of light-hearted banter, those words carried a heavy burden. Remus usually knew better than to question, there was something about the way the smoke seeped from those beautiful lips that made his eyes fixate, unable to focus on much else. He could pretend this was one of those times if Sirius’ voice didn’t crack with each word.
“Sirius, please look at me.” Remus nearly begged.
Sirius flicked the cigarette butt outside, turned sideways, draping his legs over the windowsill and leaned his head against the wall with closed eyes, looking nearly identical to the morning in the shack, staying as silent as the dead. Even in the dark of the night, wet stains of tears on his cheeks were clearly visible.
Remus walked across the room and in one quick motion took the boy into his arms, holding him tightly. First tense, Sirius slowly relaxed into the hug and reluctantly put his arms around the taller boy’s waist, balling up his cardigan in a fist.
“Tell me how to help you.” Remus pleaded.
Shaking his head no, Sirius held onto him tighter.
Remus probably should’ve left it at that. Let Sirius cry into his arms and then drag him back to bed, maybe hold him until he fell asleep as well. But he had to know, had to ask.
“Pads, for Merlin's sake, if this is about your family or- or- some stupid shit about Regulus...”
Sirius jerked away from him like he’d been burnt. The disappointment in his eyes made Remus wish he weren’t such a blunt fool. He shouldn’t have spoken so casually about the most sensitive subject in Sirius’ life.
“Shit, I’m sorry, I-” Remus tried to hold the boy with hurt written across his face.
“Get off of me!” Sirius fought the hands reaching forwards, struggling to get rid of the grip on his back at the same time, almost losing balance while dangerously close to the open window behind.
“Okay, okay!” He scurried away from the thrashing boy, terrified that he didn’t seem to realize a slight lean backwards would send him plummeting down the tallest building in Hogwarts.
Sirius seemed to stop trying to go backwards to get away from the boy standing with tears in his eyes. He was shaking with eyes fixed on the floor and pulling at his hair violently, mumbling barely audible and nearly unintelligible words.
“Why would... How... I didn’t deserve... Please... It’s too...”
Remus fell onto his knees and crawled towards the panicked boy, he had wanted to do something, anything. Just not let him suffer alone in silence like that, his stupid attempt at trying to get Sirius to open up had blown up in his face and now the boy he loved so dearly was suffering the consequences.
“Sirius-” He whispered, slowly laying a hand on the trembling boy’s knee. But the moment they were touching, Sirius shoved him to the side and ran out of room, leaving a sobbing Remus behind, unable to clear his thoughts or even stand up on his feet.
When he finally regained his composure and made his way back to their shared dorm room, Remus found Peter sitting on the floor leaning his back on the side of Sirius’ bed, Sirius sleeping curled up in himself and James with Sirius’ head on his lap, slowly stroking the raven locks of hair. A burst of possessive jealousy awoke inside the werewolf. A conscious mind would know, James and Sirius were family, brothers who fell slightly short of sharing the same blood. But you couldn’t explain such a situation to the wolf, not so soon after the full moon anyways, it would only know to growl, mine.
Upon seeing Remus enter the room, James carefully laid Sirius’ head down on a pillow and rose to his feet, crossed the room in three long strides and held him by the collar before the abashed boy could comprehend what was happening and pushed Remus to the wall with a loud thump, drawing a wand and forcing the rattled face in front of him up with the tip. Every muscle in his face was tense and his eyes glowed vicious in the dark, you would not want to be at the receiving end of that gaze.
“James!” Peter sprang to his feet, hesitant to intervene.
“Give me one reason to not punch your face into this wall, Lupin.” James snapped, as quietly as possible, not to wake Sirius up.
Remus stayed silent.
“I tell Peter to leave it and he does, like anyone who isn't so bloody stupid would, helps him without needing to know why. I tell you to leave it and the next thing I know; I’m trying to bring him down from an hour-long panic attack.” James’ voice taut with unbridled rage.
“I’m sorry.” Remus apologized with his eyes shut tight, unable to bring himself to open them, terrified of what else he might see in James’ eyes.
James took a deep breath, huffed and let go of Remus’ collar, allowing him to carefully open his eyes again.
“Shit, Rem, I’m sorry, I don’t know what came over me.” James said with his wand put away and head in his hands, clearly distressed.
“Don’t apologize, Prongs. Merlin knows, I deserve it.”
Peter sat down on his bed, and let out a breath of relief as the situation deescalated. James kept staring with a questioning look, waiting for an explanation.
“I just wanted to help him.” Remus whispered.
“No, no.” James shook his head. “You can lie to yourself all you want, Remus, but you don’t get to lie to me. Not when my brother is in question.”
Of course, James knew.
Oftentimes, James was loud and lewd and played the fool. The clueless jock. The prankster, always causing mischief. The hopeless lover, pining on the girl who didn’t like him back.
Those who truly knew him could see right through those countless layers. Of course, James was all those things, but he wasn’t confined to them. He wasn’t an idiot. He was observant, understanding, talented and intelligent.
Remus bowed his head down, then looked back up at James with intent, there wasn’t much avail to lying. James would understand.
“You did this,” James pointed at a sleeping Sirius with sudden realization written across his face, “because you were jealous that I knew the reason for his situation and that you didn’t.”
“James, I-“ Remus didn’t really have much to say.
“I didn’t think I’d have to say this, Moony, but I don’t want to shag my best mate.” James said with the same face he made when his mouthful of Bertie Botts’ Beans turned out to be an unfortunate combo.
“I know- I know that, Prongs. You don’t have to say-”
“Apparently, I do, though.”
Face flushed in embarrassment, once again, he looked down on the floor and then back up at James who immediately pulled him in a tight hug as Remus broke down in tears, months of tension and anxiety pouring down his cheeks in silent sobs.
“I’ll make it right.” Remus vowed. “I’ll fix this.”