Archive of Our Own ^beta

Yoongi had initially no intention to go to Seokjin's housewarming party, but his best friend had made sure to pester him for weeks until Yoongi finally gave up and agreed to show up at his friend's house at 7 p.m. right after work.

It's ok.

It will be fun.

When he's only few blocks away from Seokjin's apartment Yoongi makes a stop to buy wine and cheese for his host, something to enjoy while waiting for Seokjin to finish cooking dinner. A good, healthy habit he only recently went back into. good news for his boyfriend, too, at least since Namjoon has always been a fan of his cooking skills.

If he reckons, Namjoon actually texted him earlier about Seokjin intending to put together something fancy for the evening - that's why he has invited nearly all their friends and some work acquaintances too.

This should be safe, yoongi tells himself.

Maybe he won't be there.

It has been months since he and Hoseok saw each other for the last time, and sure this is not exactly one of his most pleasant memories. There were tears, grievances, words that never should have been told between the two of them.

Now, the only thing he can feel is regret.

He regrets the way their story had to end. For the horrible, unforgiving silence that has crept between them since that day, silence for which Yoongi still doesn’t know how to take remedy.

Sure, he misses him. He misses Hoseok like hell, but now there's nothing he can do but to go on with his life. he has to find his happiness again.

Maybe one day they will come together as friends at least, since Yoongi doesn't dare to hope for a full reconciliation with the boy he once thought was the love of his life. The mere thought of the love they used to share is enough for his fingers to clench around the steering wheel and his eyes to burn.

Enough, this is enough. he really has to stop thinking about Hoseok, at least for the sake of his mental health and his aching heart.

As soon he arrives at Seokjin's new place, Yoongi can’t help but squeeze his eyes at the blatant luxury of the apartment complex, pretty different from the two-room flat from which he moved out nearly five years ago - when he and Hoseok decided to move in together.

His best friend now being a famous movie star, sure he could afford something like this. Yoongi was so proud of him and the success he was able to achieve after years and years of hard blood, sweat and tears. One thing was for sure: Seokjin deserved to be celebrated.

When Yoongi steps out the elevator Jimin's voice is the first thing that welcomes him, clear and mouthy as his friend is probably whimpering about Taehyung not wearing the matching silk shirt he bought him last Christmas. Eventually a soft, fond smile curves Yoongi's lips.

Everything is going to be ok, he's sure about that. He's going to enjoy their party and he will cheer Seokjin's achievements with all their friends, together.

These are his thoughts when, in the midst of the third toast in a row, Yoongi feels a hand placing on his shoulders.

"Ehy"

The mere sound of his voice is enough to sink Yoongi’s heart into his stomach, immediately surrounded by thousands and thousands of butterflies swirling around like crazy. Dazzled and confused, Yoongi slowly turns his gaze to see the person that voice belongs to, and shivers.

It's him.

He could recognize the shape of these lips among thousands, heart-shaped every time he gifted him and everyone with a smile or a burst of laughter. Even this evening, Hoseok's lips are curved in a happy smile, even though he can still recognize bittersweet melancholy hovering over them.

Nothing has changed and nothing is still the same at once, and Yoongi can feel his heart tightening as he watches a pretty drunk Jimin hugging Hoseok like they haven't seen each other in years. his arms around their friend's shoulders, his laugher, everything.

This is too much.

Too much for his heart, too much for his sanity to endure.

When they broke up Yoongi swore that he will never retrace his steps, that he will focus only on pursuing his own happiness - only now he realises this was just a pleasing lie he kept telling himself over and over.

Truth is, he hasn't moved on, he didn't get over it. Every ounce of love is getting back to him each passing second, blowing away all his resolutions.

He's here. He's here, he's here, he's here; and Yoongi feels like throwing up and bursting in flames at the same time.

They are so close to each other that if he reached out an arm he could be able to effortlessly graze his hand as he did so many times before.

Hoseok is here, and the only thing Yoongi would do right now is cry is heart out, because he misses him like the sun misses the moon as soon as the dawn comes.

Later he finds himself watching Hoseok as he jokes and laughs with theirs friends, while his cheeks are getting warmer from the wine he's sipping - him being now at his fourth glass without being tipsy yet shows off pretty good how well he can handle alcohol.

It's ok.

Yoongi is content just by watching him from afar, smiling softly to himself as he tries to suppress the feeling of longing that is bubbling inside his chest like hot deadly lava.

He’s ok, he’s going to be ok. It’s just a party, it’s just a night, and nothing will change between them. He knows that and not even once he has lied to himself nor went back on his words. Just - it's painful, being so close to him without being able to touch him – to hug him.

To take his face between his hands, to graze every feature of him with hungry and devoted lips.

Yoongi misses him.

He misses him body and soul.

__________________________________________

"Are you ok, hyung?"

Jungkook's text takes him by surprise a week after the party, when he's taking a break from work in the sweet privacy of his studio, sipping some coffee and a reading the book that Namjoon lend him now too many months before.

"I am. Why?"

"You know, I saw you at hyung's party last week. when Hobi hyung hugged you."

"Well, no - that wasn't really a hug. But yes, that day. I saw how you looked at him all the time."

Taken aback, Yoongi's first instinct is to put the phone away and pretend nothing happened. Still, he knows Jungkook like the palm of his hand, and he can already guess that the boy won't give up too quickly before getting what he wants from him.

He's smart and he's sweet, that boy, and Yoongi knows he won't ever scold him.

"Don't worry, I'm fine. we both still hang out with the same group of friends, I should have known better."

"You guys haven't talked?"

No, they didn't. Twice that night Yoongi was actually about to go and face him for good, at least to ask him how he was doing. But he didn't.

Like a coward, he stayed out of sight, hanging with some acquaintances of his previous production company as he could literally hear Hoseok chatting with nearly everybody, making himself at home. Being a shining star among dozens of satellites orbiting around him like planets around the sun.

He was unbearable.

He was unbearable, but that was him. that was the Jung Hoseok he fell in love with years ago, the boy that helped him breaking out of his shell and show his more playful and silly side. The man so passionate about the things he loved to gain everyone's respect and admiration.

Cheerful. Loud. Happy. His Hoseok.

Yoongi suppresses a tearful sigh and quickly types a message before turning off his phone for good. He needs to get back to work, he needs to focus and divert his thoughts from the smile that has tormented him for days.

Resisting the urge to reach for the secret spare pack of cigarette hidden inside the last drawer to get some sweet release, Yoongi opens up the folder on his main desktop that contains some of the drafts he wasn't able to finish within the deadline. Maybe today he will be productive.

Mindlessly, he clicks on the first one that appears at the top of the list and lets the first notes ring through the air, lulling him like a sweet embrace. Until memories get back at him, bold and unforgiving, hitting him like a body blow.

It's their song.

The song that Yoongi composed and wrote for Hoseok nearly three years ago, when their loved seemed to be stronger than anything and Yoongi felt like the happiest man in the entire world. As the song goes on, he starts to feel his eyes getting watery and his breath quicker, his heart now tightening under the burden of unspoken feelings, truths untold and bittersweet memories he can't erase nor fully embrace. He's caught in the same lie that knows how his heart truly feels, and he doesn't know what to think or what to do.

He still loves him, body and soul.

He still loves him, and this sudden realization hits him hard like a slap in the face, enough to let long held tears flow unrestrained along his heated cheeks.

He misses him.

He misses him like hell, like air. Like life itself.

He misses him, and he would give everything to get Hoseok back, to hold him in his arms at least for another last time.

Yoongi still loves him, but still doesn't know if he's ready to forgive himself.

__________________________________________

Working isn’t an option anymore, at least not when every corner of his overwhelmed mind is turned to Hoseok, to his own regrets and everything he didn’t said nor done.

He needs to get out of here. He needs to leave, no matter where, as long as he will be finally able to distract his thoughts from him and everything they shared together.

Shortly after catching a taxi to nowhere, something that Namjoon has told him days before comes unannounced from the mist of his mind, a conversation centred on how his old friend was spending his free time these days, between bike rides and trips to a library he has recently discovered.

The latter immediately gets his attention, and Yoongi is quick to recall and tell the driver the exact location of said library - now suddenly strong the urge to reach the place for the first time since months.

That was their place, their little shelter.

The place where he used to hide during college, when pressure and anxiety became too draining for him to endure, and his young heart only wanted to seek solace and relief.

This is where they kissed for the first time, when their fingers met upon the cover of a novel Hoseok suggested him to read. Tristan and Isolde, a remarkable bittersweet choice for such a cheerful guy, a choice that turned out to be one of the best stories Yoongi had ever read.

As soon as Yoongi walks through the main entrance that book is the first thought that crosses his mind. He doesn't know if the book is still available, if someone else is reading it right now, if it got stolen or something, but one thing is for sure: he needs to find the book again.

This might be a poor consolation but it's enough for him and for his longing heart. Maybe, by reading its pages again after all this time, the book would bring him closer to the man he still loves but doesn't know if he will ever hold again.

It's not an easy task to accomplish.

The whole organization of sections and shelves has changed from top to bottom, and he has to ask a nice librarian where to find the foreign literature section. She hands him a handwritten note, and he literally bolts to the right direction.

Where it is?

Where it is, where it is, where it is?

The question keeps spinning in his head as he walks endlessly around the hall, his gaze shifting from a shelf to another. Looking for a sign, the right name, the right place.

He's about to lose hope when, finally, his eyes lay on the author's name, written in bold characters on a small tag right under the book he was searching for. He takes it with reverent hands, like he was in the presence of an object of worship, the core of his own religion.

The book now finally in his hand, Yoongi decides to indulge in the pleasure of a quiet moment for himself and starts looking for a secluded sofa to sit and relax for a while.

He deserves this and, most of all, he needs to read these pages again. To get a taste of that feeling again.

It's exactly how he remembers it: intense and full of passion, tragedy and redemption. It's a punch in his guts and a kiss over his heart, so captivating he doesn't realize that someone has watched him since he took a seat on the leather sofa and started reading.

How could he?

Lost in his memories, Yoongi doesn't acknowledge his presence in a first moment, wrapped too tightly in that feeling of temporary happiness to realize there's now someone sitting next to him. He doesn't see his fond smile, nor the hint of yearning in his eyes.

"I've missed you."

These words hit him like a knife slowly sinking into his chest, blood and honey dripping from a wound that never healed. He wants to cry and laugh at the same time, inebriated from the feeling itself that is flooding every single part of his trembling body.

If a tear came down his cheek, nobody will ever know. Not even a soul.

Anyone but the silent, loving, tentative hope that is now holding his hand.