Archive of Our Own ^beta

"Always," A gravely voice croaked below Dumbledore.

Dumbledore looked down at the being. To any dumb muggle, it would seem that he was conversing with a mere frog, but, if you were intelligent and magical enough to attend Hogwarts, you would already know that this was definitely not some low-level creature. Professor Severus Snape's plump green flesh glistened under the moonlight as a result of the excess slime being secreted by the glands underneath his skin. The sight before his eyes forced Albus to the verge of tears, his mind reeling with confusion and shock and the tiniest hint of pity, as his magnificient brain processed this new information.

Severus, a powerful magically charged frog, had feelings for a mere muggleborn - how had the universe allowed this to happen? After everything the poor amphibian had been through, after year after years after decade of lies, secrecy, after enduring unthinkable amounts of emotional pain and physical torture, his good friend, his honourable, valiant, hero of a student had been forced into an infatuation with a lowly witch, who could never return his devoted feelings. It was a hopeless pursuit, a futile chase - there was no way, no chance of a frog human love ever being accepted by society, let alone the human in question. It was illegal, for Merlin's sake! It was so morally, ethically inconceivable, but Albus knew Severus didn't care. Albus knew Sevurus would rather perish than give up on his apparent life partner, and that wasn't a financially viable option for Hogwarts at all - they would never be able to find a replacement potions teacher, no one was as competent, as skillful, or as slimy as his dear green friend.

Calmly, Albus reached into his thick, luscious, pristine, flawless, handsome, snow-white beard and pulled out his rgb light-up gaming pc setup. Possesing the serenity of someone burning alive from the inside out, the famous headmaster opened a new incognito tab, and began to type. The portraits behind him, all previous headmasters of Hogwarts, all gasped, some flustered, some outraged, some in tears, as Albus searched through the results of his query. Maybe there was hope for the distressed frog after all, maybe he could do the impossible, and live the loving life with the loving family he deserved.

"Hey Severus, what do you feel about moving to, say...Japan?...or Cuba...? Russia? Hungary?"

"Albus, you fool! of course I've already tried wooing her in all the countries where bestiality is technically legal. You really think I am not serious about my love for the girl? I haven't eaten since she let me eat a bug off of her hair in first year." Snape ribbitted, tears streaming down his body.

"Yeah I think my mum being dead rather than being human is the bigger issue here dudes, just sayin'." A previously invisible body revealed themselves beneath the desk.

"Harry Potter, what are you doing here?!" Dumbledore asked calmly.

"What I was born to do." The boy replied, his facial features calculatedly structured in a convincing attempt at a solemn lack of emotion, yet the smirk he held inside was evident by his tone of voice.

"What the fawk does that mean?" Fawkes the Pheonix cheeped angrily.

"You think you know allllll about me, old man," Harry hastily took out a pair of muggle sunglasses from the pocket of the suit he was wearing, and awkwardly situated them over his neglected unfashionable vision glasses. He then emerged from his place under the desk, standing up to his full height of 394 feet.

"You,"

Potter's bulging muscles strained.

"thzink"

The sleeves of his suit combusted from hot guy muscles

"you"

In a single, fluid. move, the boy ripped the torso of his suit clean in half to reveal...

"know"

a ginourmous tattoo of

"moi!!!!!!!!"

the French flag.

"NO! It can't be!" Dumblored was crying and shaking. "Hop Severus! Hop for your-"

Squelch.

"-life!"

It was too late. The deed had been done, and Harry was already licking his fingers clean after devouring his now late potions professor in a single gulp, after unhinging his jaw.

"Harry...how could you...." Dumbledore was now crying, shaking and salivating all over the floor. (He was hungry, for blood - not frog you weirdo.)

"Oh, Albus, Albus, Albus... I thought you were smarter than this, I thought you were the only one with enough brain cells to realise what I am...but I see you have proved me and my friends wrong, and poor ittle wittle froggo Sevvy had to die for your incompetence." The true sigma male (Potter) cackled.

"What do you mean, friends?" Dumbledore whispered, he'd already given up fighting against this evil child.

"Lol I forgot you never had any friends. I mean good ol' Tommy Riddle and his companion Nagini. He mercifully made me a horcrux, and by doing so, made me a ssssssssssnake."

"Ngl that is pretty sick" Hagrid commented, while Harry slithered away, his noodle-like form wiggling in the air as he flew home.

"Severus...I will avenge you...fjfrfrfjseorgJASROIGEITHOIETBJHIO EROIW!!!!1

Dumbledore choked on one of his stupid lemon drops and fell out of the window.

"Oh nOOooo, anyways,,," Fawkes said. Finally! He was free! Hogwarts could finally go back to being the way it used to be, the way it was supposed to be! "Time to go clubbbbing biiiiiiiiiiiirds!"

Eveyone danced and credits rolled as Party Rock Anthem by LMFAO plays through overhead speakers. Proffesor Sprout is seen doing the worm on the dancefloor, seconds before Fawkes eats her mistakenly (?). Life is good. Conflict is resolved. Life's balance has been restored. Go home.