Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

When Ludwig's mother died, it was as if he turned into an empty shell. It wasn't that easy to tell, but the signs were there, if you only looked hard enough.

He did everything as he always had; calmly, efficiently, and with something that could often seem lacking in emotions.

But they were there, silently puttering underneath the surface. They were hidden behind a mask of indifference.

Ludwig had never been strong with displaying his emotions and had an incredible ability of keeping his cool. But even someone as strong as him could break some day, and Eduard could see the small cracks from where he stood watching Ludwig and Orpherus fight. Orphe didn't seem to notice it, but Ed realized that a certain amount of bite or sharpness in Lui's words were lacking, and it worried him. Likely, he thought, Naoji and Camus had noticed his odd behaviour as well, but it was unlikely that his followers had. And perhaps - and Ed didn't doubt this - the young nobleman had not shared the details of why he wasn't feeling well, even if it was easy to guess.

Eduard didn't bring it up during the confrontation, choosing merely to observe and make sure he wasn't mistaken.

But three days later, he saw Ludwig sit alone on a bench in the garden. A book rested in his lap, but while his eyes were turned toward the pages, he seemed to be looking right through them.

Carefully but not silently, Ed approached, and when Ludwig didn't react to his greeting, he crouched down in front of the younger teen, and waved a hand in front of his face. He got no reaction, until he snapped his fingers and urgently called his name. Lui looked up, and Ed let out a relieved sigh. "Is there anything that you need, Eduard?" Ludwig asked, and Ed thought he heard a hollowness to the words, and it was unnerving. "How're you doing, Lui?" he asked, and Ludwig frowned lightly at him. "I am doing perfectly well," he said, and Ed huffed. "Bullshit," he said, and Ludwig looked somewhat startled. "You're not fine at all. I'm not blind you know. You're sort of not acting like yourself and it makes me worried." He refrains from mentioning that he's certain that Camus and Naoiji were likely just as worried, or, most likely, even more worried than he was. They were just more tactful then Ed was, which was why Ed wasn't bothered by brigning it up.

"I apologize if I have caused you any distress, however, there is no reason for you to be concerned."

"Don't apologize about that sort of thing. And besides? Yeah it is." Eduard interjected. He took the book from Lui's hands and put the bookmark that he used in between the pages. He placed the book to the side on the bench that Ludwig was sitting on. "Listen, I won't say I get how you're feeling, but I do get the gist of it, you know. I lost my mom, too. At a much earlier age, sure, but I still lost her. I can tell something's gone missing in you, and that you can't find it. But are you sure you can find it on your own, this time? I mean, you're not the most emotional person ever, and everyone needs some support sometimes. You don't have to turn to all of us - I know you'd never turn to Orphe for something like this - but you could rely on one of us. It's not going to make you weak. Rather, knowing when to rely on others is a strong thing, you know, and---"
"He claimed to know what it was like," Ludwig cut him off, and perhaps that was a good thing. Eduard had a feeling that he was rambling, or, at the very least, close to doing so. He frowned, and Ludwig clarified, "Orpherus."

Oh. "Oh." When did he say that? That idiot.... "That's a bit hard for him to do," he said, and took one of Ludwig's gloved hands in between his bare ones and squeezed it lightly. "He's not the brightest all the time. Sorry about that." He may be Ed's best friend, but even they had their differences. He knew it had been hard for him to lose Robertine, but losing a sister wasn't the same as losing a mother, even though both hurt badly. It wasn't completely the same, which Orphe should realize, too.

Ludwig snorted, and Ed was sure he would pull his hand away, but he didn't. Instead, his other hand joined the first, and he suddenly looked right into Ed's eyes. "Eduard," he said firmly, but Ed thought that he maybe heard a hint of uncertainty hiding in his voice. "When you lost your mother, what did it feel like to you?"

Eduard fell silent. That was a surprising question, but he supposed that it shouldn't really be. He bit his lip, not sure about how he was supposed to explain. "It felt really shitty, I'll tell you that." He scolded himself for his choice of words, but continued down the same track. "The world broke, and it felt like nothing'd ever feel good again. Me and my sister were alone for a few months before anyone found us, and it was really damn lonely, despite having her with me. I pulled through only because I had her, but I didn't do anything with energy. It was sort of more like I was on record playing the same old track, and doing everything because it was familiar. I couldn't cry because I thought I couldn't show her how upset I was. I was scared it'd worry her and make her more upset and that I would be unable to stop once I started, and I had to take care of her, so I couldn't do that." He fell silent, thinking back to that painful time. "It was hard, it was cold and it was void of any real happiness. After father found us and took us in, I cried for hours in my room." He wasn't scared of confessing to how distraught he had been, not now. After, he had slept for hours, only to wake up and find his sister curled up in the bed beside him. In the end, he thought, Erika probably knew how much I was hurting.

"Does it pass?" Ludwig wanted to know, and Eduard felt his grip on his hands tighten, maybe almost hopefully.

"Not really," he said, wishing he could give a different answer. "It gets less... um... less harsh. It's still painful, but I can smile and laugh at the memories of her now, without feeling like I'll break down in tears."
Ludwig nodded, and after several long moments of silent deliberation with himself, he retracted his hands and picked up his book. He stood, and Ed looked up from where he was still kneeling. It felt a bit odd, to look at him from this angle. "I thank you for your time, Eduard." He said curtly, and a crooked smile crept up on Ed's face. He could detect that hint of upset in his voice again, and there was an odd tenseness in his shoulders, but he seemed just a little more at ease, somehow. Ed grinned, and got back on his feet. "Any time, Lui." he said, "I'm your friend, you know. You can ask me stuff any time you need to."

Once again, Ludwig nodded, and, possibly at a loss for words, turned and walked away and back into the school's front door. Ed watched his retreating form, then, as he disappeared, he headed for the stables, which was where he had been going in the first place. He was late to his outing with Augusta, but he was sure she would understand, even if he would not tell her everything, probably not even tell her it had been Lui that he had been held up by, because it had been such a private moment. Augusta was a very understanding and intelligent young woman, and she knew that Ed couldn't leave someone who suffered alone, without trying to help them.

Ludwig was definitely feeling a little better, Eduard noted when they were gathered for supper. He was a little closer in his sharp words toward Orphe, and Naoji and Camus seemed to notice as well, because they looked relieved, even as Ludwig and Orpherus bickered over their fish and potatoes.
"Politics at the dinner table, really?" Ed interjected, cutting Orphe off in the middle of a sentence. He grinned at them as they both turned to look at him. "I know fighting is like food to you two, but you might wanna eat some actual food too, and not only words." He was given a look of a raised eyebrow from Lui, and a frown from Orphe, but the two settled down, complying to Ed's suggestion.

During the meal, Ed fell into small talk with Orphe and Naoji, while Camus told Lui about something some flowers had told him in the afternoon. He glanced to the side as he felt the unmistakable sensation of being intensely watched, and caught Lui's gaze with his. He smiled around his fork, and Lui returned to his plate and his conversation with his cousin, completely ignoring him, but that was nothing that worried Ed. Instead, he got into an animated discussion on differences between Japanese and European fencing. Or well, animated on his part, since Naoji was as calm as ever.

When Eduard went to leave the room, to go back to the stables to see his girlfriend, he was stopped by a hand on his arm. Camus smiled up at him, "Thank you, Ed," he said, a grateful expression on his face. Ed smiled back at him, knowing exactly what he was talking about. The flowers on the trees or something like that must have told Camus about his earlier conversation with Ludwig. "I just want to help in any way that I can," he said, and Camus' smile widened a little bit. "I know, and I'm glad there is someone Lui can talk to about it."

"So I was right when I thought he wasn't talking to you or Naoji about it?" Ed asked, catching sight of the two they were talking about leaving the dining room. Camus shook his head, and glanced over his shoulder. "He doesn't. I think he doesn't want to burden us."
"Without realizing that it makes you worry even more?" Clever as he was, Ludwig might not know how to deal with his own feelings, and while he wasn't oblivious, he seemed to not notice a lot of times when concern was directed toward him. Or he might ignore it, in other instances, since he felt that it was nothing that others needed to trouble themselves with.

Camus didn't answer, but he didn't have to. Ludwig and Naoji came up to them, and he smiled, asking if they want to accompany him to the greenhouse. The same offer was extended to Ed, but he declined, and he wished them a good night, before he headed for the stables to talk about the day with his beloved horse. This day had been an eventful one, in a way, and it had resulted in more than one person feeling a little lighter at heart.

Chapter Text

When he returned from a secret visit into town late at night a couple days later, Eduard did not expect to see someone else in the academy gardens.

He stopped in his tracks, heart racing as he hoped it wasn't a teacher or someone of equal superior school rank, wondering if he had been seen. He soon noticed that he had not been seen, and that it was no teacher sitting on the stone bench. Walking over, he sat down beside his friend. "Isn't it cold being out in only pajama?" he asked, and Ludwig turned his gaze from the waning gibbous hanging high on the dark curtain of the night sky. "Guten Abend, Eduard," he acknowledged, pulling the blanket he had wrapped about his arms closer. Ed couldn't help but be a tiny bit amused at seeing his hair in two braids. It was unusual to see Lui with any other hair style than his normal one. He still looked as elegant as ever. With a reprimanding look, Ed tugged the blanket up over his back. "Guten Abend," he replied, and crossed his arms over his chest. "What're you doing out?"

"You are out as well," Lui said, moving a thick braid to his back with an air of disinterest. Ed huffed and leaned back against the bench. "Yeah, but I'm decently dressed, while you're not. Are you trying to get sick, Lui?" He was paler than he usually was. At the same time though, his cheeks were an unusual rosy hue, no doubt due to the cold chill in the air. It really had become autumn with winter quickly approaching. No one should be out in so little clothes, this time of the year.

Ludwig sighed, and turned to look up at the moon once more. "I was taking a walk, and simply ended up outside," he explained, and Ed nodded. "Can't sleep?" he asked, and Ludwig slowly nodded once. Ed observed him, tilted his head to the side, and ran his fingers through his redbrown hair, brushing his bangs out of his eyes. "Still, you should go back inside. You'll get sick, you know."

"I am aware of the risk," Ludwig retorted, and once more looked at Ed. "Will you accompany me, then?" he asked, and Ed was surprised. He stuttered a little as he watched Lui get to his feet. "Ah, yeah, sure."

He fell into step with his fellow Strahl candidate, keeping an eye on his the color on his friend's face. "Why are you on a walk, anyway?" "I was thinking," Ludwig answered, "about what you told me the other day." Eduard peered at his friend, silently waiting to see if he would continue unprompted. "My options," he said, gaze locked on the pale moon. "If I can talk to anyone." Oh. "You think you can?" Ed asked, and Ludwig glanced over at him. Then he looked away again. "Perhaps, in time." A slight smile formed on Ed's face. "That's good." he said. "It's not good bottling things up all the time, you know." He suddenly stumbled, and looked down. He seemed to have tripped on a trail of dead leaves that must have fallen since darkness started to fall. Ludwig looked at him with raised eyebrows and a bit of an almost amused look on his face. "What in the world are you doing, Eduard?" he asked. Yeah, he's definitely a little amused. "Oh you know. It was such a perfect pile, so I thought I'd jump right into it," he replied with a grin, and Lui shook his head. "You are ridiculous," he muttered. Ed grinned. "I don't mind," he said, and straightened up. Then he frowned when Ludwig sneezed. "Honestly," He pulled off his jacket, and draped it over Ludwig's shoulders. "You only have yourself to blame if you get sick. Come on, we're going back inside." He took hold of one of Ludwig's arms, and lead him toward the dorm. "I will be perfectly fine," Ludwig protested, but didn't immediately succeed in freeing himself from Ed's grip, which was firm on his arm. "I'm sure you will, but you should get something warm in your belly before going to bed," Ed insisted to a scowling Lui.

Once they reached the dorm, Ed brought Lui over to his room, and directed him to sit down. Since he didn't have much to sit on, the young duke ended up sitting on the edge of the hastily (barely) made bed, while Ed took down a device from a shelf. Ludwig eyed it suspiciously. "...what is that?" he asked, as if he had never seen a stove before. Ed looked at him in disbelief. "A gas stove." Ludwig gave him an equally incredelous look. "You have a stove in your room," he said, slowly. Ed shrugged as he finished setting up the device, and started to pick out what other things he needed. "It's convenient," he explained. "I got it from Isaac, when he got a new one on the cheap for himself." Lui gave it a long look. "I thought it looked a bit dented," he pointed out, and Ed huffed, arms crossed as he turned to give his friend a look. "Hey, there's nothing wrong with hand-me-downs, it works great."
Ludwig raised an eyebrow, a very deadpan expression still directed at him. "And he simply gave it away?" he wondered. As if it was something unfathomable. Ed shook his head, and turned back to what he was cooking. "Yeah. Seriously Lui, do you never get old stuff from people?"
"I don't."
Seriously? "Even though it can be more meaningful? I mean, this stove for example," he put a pot on the flame, and glanced over at Lui. "it's been all over with Isaac, it's got sentimental value. New things ain't got that sort of thing. Besides, it'd be a waste to just chuck it out." Ludwig just stared at him in silence, and Ed shook his head with a sigh. "Really, sometimes it's so obvious that we come from different social standings." Ludwig squared his shoulders and stared Ed down. "You are of noble blood as well," he pointed out, and Ed shrugged. "By half, but I didn't know that before father told me, and it's always been a little, y'know, hard to grasp. I'm not really nobility material." Now Ludwig was scowling, perhaps a little angry with him, Ed couldn't really tell. "You should not look down upon yourself as much as you do," he said, and Ed blinked at him, surprised. "I'm not doing that, I'm just being realistic."He had been told the same before, but he knew his position well enough. He added bulbs of rosehip into the boiling water, and kept an eye on it even as he turned to see that Lui was giving him another long look. Ed scowled at him. "What?" Lui sighed, and shook his head, after a long stretch of silence. "Nothing," he finally said, and ignored Ed's continued stare. He was forced to turn away from his stubborn, silent friend after a while, however, and focus on the soup instead.

It was finished after another long silence, during which Lui shrugged off Ed's jacket and folded it, placing it on the bed beside him, and he poured some of the orange soup into a cup and handed it to Lui, who looked down at it in silence. "This is?" he asked. Ed was surprised, but supposed that it was another class difference thing. "Soup made of rosehip from the dog-rose." That only made Lui confused instead. "Dog-rose?" he asked, and Ed nodded, as he poured some for himself. "It's a wild rose, you don't know it?" He saw Ludwig briefly shake his head. "I have never heard anyone refer to a flower as a 'dog-rose' before." Ed shrugged, and leaned against his desk as he watched Ludwig watch the soup. He seemed a little suspicious about it. "Yeah, it's the common name, I don't know what the Latin one is." Then he huffed, a little amused. "It's not dangerous, you know. I've made it lots before." Ludwig hummed, and took a sip of the hot beverage. He scrunched up his nose at the heat, and blew a little at it. Ed snorted. "Sorry, should I have warned you?" he asked. Ludwig glanced up at him, then looked back down at the soup. He took another sip, and seemed a bit more pleased at least. "Sweet," he remarked. "Yeah, it is." Ed agreed, as he drank from his own cup. "Why do you know how to make this?" Ludwig asked, and Ed smiled fondly. "My mom used to make it for me and my sister when we were feeling under the weather, I learned from her." Ludwig fell silent, watching him over the edge of the cup. Somehow, Ed got the feeling that he was thinking about how different their upbringings really had been as well.

"Eduard," Ludwig's voice suddenly pierced the silence, as Ed was putting down his by then empty cup. Ed looked up at him. "Yeah?" Ludwig wasn't looking at him, he noticed. "You are aware that one of my cousins are getting married to a British noble soon." Slowly nodding, Eduard wondered where Lui was going with this. "Yeah." Everyone knew that one of the princesses were getting married in the not so distant future. "Will you accompany me?" Ed was glad that he had finished his drink, because he would have spit it out over himself otherwise. "Hah?" was the only thing that came out in his surprise.
Ludwig's gaze seemed to avert further. "...it is the same week as the funeral," he explained. "Oh..." He did remember that he and the others had recieved invitations to the funeral and had made sure he had the date noted down. Although he hated formal settings and a funeral was bound to cause gloom in people's hearts, he was not going to abandon his friend when he needed him. But he had not expected to go to the royal wedding - he didn't have the status for it - so he had not memorized the date. And although a wedding was a much brighter affair than a funeral, to Ludwig... It wouldn't be. It would have been more respectful if they had changed the date of the wedding, since Lui's mom was sister to the king, but in the end, they couldn't change it. It was too late to chance the date now, since lots of really important people from all over were coming to witness the princess and the nobleman get married. Would she move to Britain or would he move to Kuchen, anyway? Well, that wasn't important right now. "Ah, yeah. I guess I can. Wouldn't it be more logical to ask Camus or Naoji though?" They were much closer to Ludwig than he was, after all. "It would." Ludwig agreed, and Ed frowned in confusion. "Then why ask me?"
"Because I believe that my siblings would appreciate it."
Ed slowly turned the cup around on the table, so the ear pointed toward the window. "....liar," he muttered.
"Pardon?" Clearly startled, Ludwig looked up. Ed's eyes were locked on him. "I know you care lots about your siblings, but I don't think that's the only reason." Ludwig looked down at the beverage in his hands, and took another sip of it. From the looks of it, he might already have emptied the cup. "Why do you believe that?" he asked. "Because it's you." When the other teen remained silent, Ed shrugged, as he took the cup from him. "But whatever. If you want me to be there, I don't have any reason to say no."
"I merely need you to be there because--"
"Because of your siblings." Ed cut him off. "Sure, I'll roll with that." If that was what he wanted to go with. "You want more?" he asked, motioning toward the pot with his head. He still had a little left. But Ludwig shook his head. "I believe that I should retire for the night, and so should you, or you will be unable to follow what is said during class tomorrow." Ed snorted. "Sure thing, buddy." Because Ludwig never got too tired to keep up with class. Actually, he probably didn't, and if he did, he was damn good at hiding it. He followed Ludwig to the door to see him off properly. "Good night then, Lui. I'll see you tomorrow."

Chapter Text

The sound of someone playing the piano drifted across the halls, and for a moment time seemed to stop. Ludwig recognized the melody, and he stopped on his way. It felt nostalgic, and that made everything hurt a bit more. The technique was even better than it was that time, but it was without doubt the song that Eduard had played when the other Strahl candidates had all been invited to his home to cheer his mother up. He was certain that Eduard was not playing it to cause him any harm, he knew that often, the other aristocrat played anything that came to mind, but he didn't want to approach him while he played that song. Perhaps he would be able to listen to it without this ache in his heart some day, but that time was not now.

Ludwig didn't move even as the next song started, choosing to wait until the pain in his chest subsided enough to be possible to ignore, and there was a lull between the tunes before it started up, but eventually he headed toward the music room where he knew that he would be able to find Eduard. He could hear voices mingle with the sound from the piano, one male and one female.

" Where the North Sea waves roll in against the shore,
And yellow flowers bedeck the lush green moor,
Where the cries of sea gulls pierce the ocean’s roar,
There you’ll find my homeland, where I lived before.
Where the cries of sea gulls pierce the ocean’s roar,
There you’ll find my homeland, where I lived before."

Eduard, and, he thought, his younger sister. It was a song that he didn't know, so it must be a song that the townspeople sang. Perhaps. To be completely honest, there was a lot about music that he did not know, least of all the songs sung among the commoners.

"Wind and waves sang me their lilting lullaby;
My childhood sheltered there by dikes so high.
The land knew all my yearning, when I was still but small
When flying o’er the oceans I had to leave it all.
The land knew all my yearning, when I was still but small
When flying o’er the oceans I had to leave it all.
My heart’s no longer aching, gone is all the pain,
I may have made my fortune, but I’m homesick again."

He stopped in the doorway and watched them as he waited for them to stop singing. It was indeed Erika Kraus singing with her older brother. Erika, who sat further from the door on the stool beside her brother, didn't seem to notice his presence but Eduard did, and he shot Ludwig a smile as he took a breath between words.

"Homesick for green and yellow flowering moor,
Where North Sea waves wash up against the shore.
Where the cries of sea gulls pierce the ocean’s roar,
That’s the place where I lived, the home I had before.
Where the cries of sea gulls pierce the ocean’s roar,
That’s the place where I lived, the home I had before."

It was upon turning to her brother to say something after the last vibration of the piano strings fell silent that Erika noticed that Ludwig was there, and she let out one of those undignified squeaks that seemed to be typical of her. Clearly flustered, she didn't seem to know what to say. "Ah--Lord Ludwig, I didn't-um, ah, good afternoon." Ludwig eyed her with a level look, already far too used to the girls antics to be too irritated. There were limits, naturally, but he could overlook it this time. "Good afternoon, Fräulein," he replied, ignoring her red cheeks and embarrassed expression. "May I borrow your brother for a while?"
Although it was not exactly a question, Erika nodded in affirmation. "Of course, he's all yours," she stumbled as she rose from the stool, and Ed put a hand on her back to steady her, while Ludwig considered the somewhat informal way that the girl had starting to pick up from spending time with her brother. He was the one who grew up in an aristocrats house, yet he was also the one using far less formal speech, in comparison to his sister.
He's all mine, is he? He knew it was simply a turn of phrase but she would not have used it in his presence before. Eduard was clearly both good and bad influence on her. As she reached the door to the music room, she turned around as if she suddenly had remembered something, and her skirt fluttered around her legs. "Brother, we'll meet you at the shop later?"
"Sure, I'll see you there," Eduard agreed, and after Erika gave a bright smile and spun around with another skirt-flutter, he looked up to notice Ludwig's raised eyebrow. "Erika wanted Orphe, Augusta and me to try this new cake shop with her," he explained. "So we're going there later today."
"Ah," so that was how it was. "She seemed fairly flustered at being interrupted," he said. He was not going to mention that he did not depreciate the song they had sung, but he was not above mentioning her initial reaction to seeing him.
"She's just not used to people walking in on her as she sings," Eduard said, and laughed fondly. "She's got a nice voice, she should sing more in front of people."
"It is not that often that you sing in front of an audience as you play either," Ludwig pointed out.

Then, instead of letting Eduard retort to the comment, he got right to the matter that he came to speak to him about. "I received a letter from father, and you will be receiving an official invitation to the wedding shortly. Father invited you to stay at our mansion between the two events, if you so wish." He paused a short moment, and his gaze wandered toward the tall windows. "It would be most appreciated." Next time the pause was even longer, as he hesitated to actually say it. "Both by my siblings and by me."
Giving him a surprised look, Eduard was silent for a few moments, then he smiled. "Sure, of course. Though I've only ever stayed over at Orphe's place before though so I don't know much about the etiquette required. Anything in particular I should or shouldn't do?"
Ludwig didn't even need to think about the answer for that question, yet he paused just a short moment, to ensure Eduard's attention. "Do not bring in any dirt."
"Hey! When do I ever drag in dirt?" Eduard huffed, but an amused expression appeared on his face when Ludwig retorted without even blinking. "The first time that we met, to mention one occasion."
"I didn't mean to do that, you know. It's just it had rained all morning and I was a bit of a klutz back then." For some reason he puffed up his cheeks but the amusement was unable to stay hidden for more than two seconds, and then he was grinning again. Ludwig shook his head, but the corners of his mouth almost twitched just a little. "Of course, you are the most graceful being ever," he said, and sighed when Eduard's grin only widened. "Exactly!"

"You're late," was the greeting that he received when he arrived at the store front. Eduard raised an eyebrow in his friends direction, he had had that look directed toward him from Ludwig way too many times to not imitate it. "Just by a minute or so," he defends himself. Unsurprisingly the Liechtenstein family worked quickly, and he had been stopped at the gates by the wedding invitation Ludwig had promised him, which had resulted in him being a little late. It wasn't that bad of a delay, though. Augusta brushed her hair behind an ear with a sigh, and decided to simply forgive him. He was not horribly late, either way.

When they entered the shop, they noticed that it was fairly crowded, but luckily they managed to get a table in a window corner, as the table was newly vacated, and they received a pot of tea while they waited for their treats. "I'm going to visit Augusta during the holiday, together with the other girls," Erika informed her brother. "I've never been there before, it's exciting."
Augusta replaced her tea cup on the saucer. "I intended to ask if the two of you would like to come as well, at least for a day," she said. They all offered their gratitude as their cakes were served to them. "Marin will join us after she has attended the funeral, perhaps you might as well?"
"It would be a delight," Orphe said with a smile. He removed his gloves so he would be able to handle his Berliner Pfannkuchen without soiling them. "We could all need something to cheer our spirits with afterward."
"Aah.." Ed poked at the shaved chocolate on top of his Prinzregententorte with the spoon that he had been provided. "I'm busy after but I can ride over one of the days before?"
"Oh? What will you be doing?" Augusta asked curiously, looking over at him where he sat beside her.
"I've been invited to the wedding, and after it and between it and the funeral I'll be staying at Lui's."
Orphe suddenly started to cough, and Erika awkwardly patted him on the back to soothe it.
"Are you alright?" Augusta asked in bewilderment, and Ed snorted. "You've got powdered sugar in your face."
"I, I am fine," Orpherus assured them, and delicately wiped the sugar from his face with a napkin. "My apologies." When Ed continued to suppress laughter, Erika took the napkin from Orphe's hand and brushed off the sugar on his nose and cheeks. Ed and Augusta exchanged amused looks as the two exchanged a few subtle words of adoration. If it was anyone that he could trust his sister with, it was his best friend, and if it was anyone that he could trust his best friend with, it was his sister, that, Ed knew. It was just funny to watch them sometimes, and considering the new, pale freckles on Orphe's perfectly even skin it was somehow even more amusing.

But then the moment passed and all the attention at the table turned toward Eduard. "You are attending the royal wedding? On Ludwig's request?" Ed nodded. "Yeah."
"Why?"
"I don't really know, I was as surprised as you. Thankfully," he grinned, "I wasn't eating anything when I found out about it." Orphe looked at him with both eyebrows raised, and a silence perfectly suitable to the expression on his face.
"But this is a surprise," Augusta said, and the metal edge of her spoon lightly met the china of the plate as she cut a piece of her Bienenstich. "I never would have expected him to invite you."
Ed made a thoughtful sound. "Mmmyeah, but I don't mind going."
"Even though you don't like formal settings?" Orphe asked, and Ed nodded. "Why would I turn him down if he wants me to come?" Orphe shook his head. "You are much too nice sometimes," he remarked, and Ed looked at him with confusion, swallowing his bite of torte before asking, "why?" Orphe said nothing for a moment, as Ed sucked the last bits of chocolate from the spoon still in his mouth. "It is nothing, I simply worry sometimes."
Ed shook his head, not getting what Orphe wanted to say, but if he didn't want to elaborate he couldn't do anything about that. "You still have sugar in your hair," he said instead, and Orphe lifted a hand to try to find it to brush it out. Ed snorted when he kept missing, and in the end Erika had to help him once more.

Chapter Text

Once in a while, Ludwig joined his father on his business trips. It was a way for him to learn about how business worked in real life, as opposed to studying the theory of it in the library with his one of the tutors his father employed. Tutors that he in general didn't like, because they had a tendency to try to incur his father's favor through him. Most people did, and he didn't like it. But he was used to it. Sometimes content that was not for any outside ears - not even Ludwig's - was brought up however, and he was asked by his father to leave the room temporarily. He would most often be called back later, once the current business at hand was dealt with. He didn't mind, although he could not deny that he was curious about what they spoke about in private. Sometimes father would tell him, afterward in the coach back toward their estates, but sometimes he would not. He wondered, as he leaned against the balcony railing overlooking the garden of the estate (which was much smaller than their own, but this was only the estate of a Marquis so it was not anything out of the ordinary.) which kind of meeting this might be. The kind which Ludwig would be allowed to know the contents of, or not.

It had rained heavily when they had arrived at the country house belonging to the Markgraf Braunschweig, and it had only continued to rain as the meeting proceeded. Why the marquis had not traveled to see the Liechtenstein Duke was something to think about, but it was not the first time that his father had gone out of his way to travel a far distance through Kuchen to see someone, if it was of importance.

As the meeting went on the rain turned into a drizzle, and finally, not long before Ludwig was sent from the room, it let up, and the skies started to clear, patches of blue showing between grey clouds. He had stepped out on the still wet balcony after waiting in the corridor for some moments, as, considering the impression he had gotten from the two grown men as he was asked to leave them, the meeting might take some time. The door had been unlocked, so he had hoped that perhaps it would not be too presumptuous of him to step outside for only a few moments.

Perhaps five minutes at most had passed when he heard a noise behind him, and he turned to see what the sound may be. What he saw surprised him, because he had not expected it in the least. A boy probably around Ludwig's age of nine was heaving himself up on the balcony, right beside the wall, his hands gripping the ivy trailing upward from the flowerbed at the foundation of the building. The boy's trousers was rolled up, dirt staining the fabric and his skin and his hair, and he was both without shoes and shirt. He couldn't tear his eyes away, but it was probably just the shock of his sudden appearance. There was something about that unfamiliar figure...

Eyes a startling bright green set in a dark face turned toward him, and he realized that he must have made a sound in his surprise. The other boy, somebody Ludwig had never seen before, stared back at him, but he was only still for a few moments. Those few brief moments, the boy looked as if he had been caught doing something that he was not supposed to be doing, but then the expression changed into curiosity and he jumped down on the balcony floor, water from the puddles he stepped in washing away some of the mud on his feet. He came up to Ludwig, and Ludwig remained silent as it simply was such a foreign experience. Who could ever predict something like this to happen?

The boy leaned closer as if inspecting him briefly, as if he was wondering where he suddenly had come from. As if he were the one that had unexpectedly climbed onto a marquis' balcony out of nowhere.

"You have really long eyelashes," the boy said suddenly, and Ludwig's mouth fell open. He didn't mean to lose his composure a second time in equally as many minutes but this boy certainly had an ability to do and say the most shocking things, it seemed. He really was as far from aristocratic as he had ever seen in another, in an aristocrat's home. Even the servants did their very best to be presentable.
"I beg your pardon?" Nobody but his mother had ever said that to him, and he had known her his whole life, unlike this complete stranger of a boy. The boy's face split into a dazzling grin, and he repeated "you have really long eyelashes," as if the only problem was that Ludwig had not heard what he had said. "I heard you the first time," Ludwig informed him. "Why are you suddenly saying such a thing?"
The boy blinked slowly, as if confused by the question. "Because you have really long eyelashes, obviously." Then it seemed as if he realized something. "Hi, by the way," he said, apparently only then remembering that he had not actually introduced himself - or even said hi - yet. "I'm Eduard, it's nice to meet you, Young Master Lavender."
For the third time during their short acquaintance, the boy - Eduard - threw him completely off guard. "What?" The boy grinned. "Well I don't know your name, and your eyes are the same color as the lavender growing at the creek in the forest."

"Ah--" Right, Ludwig had not introduced himself either. But usually, even if he had not yet introduced himself, people knew who he was, due to his ties to both his father and to the King. It was an odd experience, to be completely unknown to someone. "Ludwig. My name is Ludwig." Eduard looked him over again. "So you're with the person visiting father?" he asked. Ludwig looked at him as if seeing him all over again. "Father? They you are the famous Braunschweig bastard?" The other boy didn't even flinch at the words. "You're blunt, aren't you, Ludwig Lavender? Yeah I am, I'm the famous Braunschweig Bastard." He bowed with a flourish, but it mostly looked awkward. Not because the boy seemed to be awkward in personality or awkward in body, but because he didn't seem to be used to such bows. It really was a cringe-worthy bow. "It's a pleasure to meet you."

The boy then straightened from the far-from-perfect bow (which really was more of a curtsy than a bow) and in a movement that was much smoother and seemed to be much more comfortable to him, he jumped up on the balcony's stone railing and sat down with his legs crossed in front of him. Some of the mud still on his feet rubbed against the fabric of his trousers, but he seemed not the least bothered by it. Was this well known walking scandal used to rolling in the dirt? It certainly seemed as if he had been doing something of the sort. "How come you're here anyway?" the boy asked, far too casually. There was a difference in their station, he wasn't supposed to act so naturally around someone like Ludwig. It made it confusing, Ludwig didn't know what to expect from him and he was used to reading people, to ensure that he didn't say or do the wrong thing around the wrong person, for the sake of his family, his house, his country. People never acted this way around him. It was... yes, it was definitely odd. Yet also a little refreshing, he thought. "I sometimes accompany father to business meetings," he explained, then he asked a question of his own. "Why are you covered in mud?" This close up, Ludwig saw that he also had straws of hay in his hair.
"Oh!" Eduard looked down at his dirt-covered appearance. "I was in the stable, and waited for the rain to stop on the hayloft, then I sort of fell asleep there and woke up only just a little while ago, and on my way back to the house, since it's not raining any longer, I tripped on something, probably nothing actually I do that sometimes, or maybe I tripped on my own feet or air or something but anyway I tripped and landed in the mud so I had to take some stuff off and hide them but then I slipped again but that's fine because it's just a little dirt anyway." He said it all in one single breath and seemed to come out a little out of breath once the very long sentence ended. Ludwig would not call it a little dirt but he supposed that their perspectives might be different due to their childhoods. "That was not the most articulate sentence that I have ever heard. Does all the lowborn speak the way you do?"
Eduard shrugged, once more not offended by Ludwig's choice of words. "No, we talk in all sort of ways, the language in the towns is very colorful, you've never been?"

Ludwig shook his head. "Not as such, no. I have visited various towns but I have not much been in the streets among the commoners." Eduard hummed, rocking back and forth. Dangerously, Ludwig thought, particularly since Eduard had just told him that he was capable of tripping over absolutely nothing at all, which must be some sort of talent. He was just about to make a further comment when he saw that Eduard's attention had shifted, and was directed at a window. Then, the boy disappeared out of sight just as suddenly as he had appeared only a couple minutes ago. Ludwig thought that he had actually fallen off the railing and looked over it with worry. It would not do if he let his father's acquaintance’s son get hurt, bastard or not. But the boy wasn't there. He turned around when he heard the sound of the door opening further on its hinges, and he bowed at the exact appropriate depth to the Marquis' wife. "Markgräfin," he greeted her, and although he was worried about Eduard's whereabouts, he was forced to fall into a polite conversation with the woman. Eduard had disappeared not long before she had appeared, and he wondered if there was any correlation between the two incidents. Thus, he didn't ask her if she knew where the other boy had disappeared off to. He did want to know, although... It likely had something to do with the fact that Eduard was the child of another woman, with her husband. That was why he was called the Braunschweig Bastard after all, because he was a bastard.

Some time later, after Ludwig had been allowed back into the two older gentlemen's meeting to observe and learn from the proceedings, as well as participate in them, once they were preparing to leave after a repast during which Ludwig kept on wondering, even as he exchanged some pleasantries with three young women who turned out to be Eduard's older half-sisters, where the boy had gone, he finally saw him again. He was properly dressed this time, and clean as well. His eyes were even more startling green then, glowing clear in his dark face. He didn't join them until he was properly introduced, and he kept his mouth shut most of the time, even if it, to Ludwig, seemed as if keeping still and staying quiet made him restless.

"Young Master Lavender," Eduard said so only Ludwig could hear, as father pulled on his coat, and Ludwig pulled on his, to button it up against the damp cold that was lingering after the heavy rainfall. "You have very pretty eyes, you know." Eduard grinned, and the look on his face was so genuine that Ludwig couldn't stop the slight blush that crept up on his cheeks. He was not accustomed to being treated this way. Usually everyone, no matter who it might be, only complimented him to gain his - and through him, his father's - approval. But this boy gave off a completely different air from all of those people. He had right from the start, but this boy didn't put up any sort of facade like everyone else. One would think that a bastard would work even harder than others to do so though. Even a lot of people from his extended family put up fronts. Not Camus, never Camus, but Camus was different from everybody else. He had thought that only Camus was different. Yet here was a boy even more different from all the aristocrats and people surrounding the aristocracy, right in front of him. "Eduard," he said, not as silently as Eduard had spoken, but not so loud that the adults would hear. "will you be attending Rosenstolz Academy?"

Eduard blinked several times, suddenly surprised at the question. "I think so, maybe. I don't know, probably?" It was the most uncertain that the had seen the other boy that far. The boy snuck a quick glance at the Markgräfin, then looked back at Ludwig. "I hope so," he finally concluded his uncertain answer, but there was a glow of determination that Ludwig did not know the reason for in those green eyes. Pretty, he thought. The boy had called his peculiarly colored eyes pretty, but this boy's eyes had the color of a bright summer day, and from what he had gleaned from his personality, the eyes suited him well. "Why're you asking?" Ludwig blinked a few times then, pulling himself from his train of thought regarding the boy's eyes. "I will be attending once I am of the age," he said, "perhaps I will meet you there." He almost hoped that he did. And he also almost hoped that the boy would remain like this, honest and friendly. He would like to go to school with him. It could make life at the school that much more interesting.

It was a late evening and Ludwig sat at the foot of his bed with a book in his lap. He had intended to go to sleep after getting changed and ready for bed, but he had wondered about the last paragraph that he read in the book and had ended up absorbed by it. He didn't realize that so much time had passed until he heard a knock on the window, and saw that the moon had come into view.

As had Eduard, for some reason. He stared in silence at the other boy for several moments. Eduard seemed to be in a good mood, despite how cold it must be outside, particularly in the state he appeared to be in. With a sigh, he slipped the bookmark in place and put the book on the bed, heading over to the window to open it. "Is it entertaining for you, to wander around in unsuitable weather without a shirt?" he asked him with an eyebrow arched. Eduard laughed, keeping his voice down due to the late hour, as he sat down on the window ledge more properly. Of what he could see, the front of his pants seemed to be covered in dirt. "It's easier to move without one than a wet one," Eduard explained. When he started to peel off his pants, still precariously sitting on the window-sill, Ludwig turned away, returning to the bed to pick up his book and move it to the bedside table. "And you are undressing further why?" he asked, not turning back quite yet, using the excuse of arranging the few items on top of the small table. He wished that Eduard would remain dressed. Back when they were children was one thing, because he was still confused about his feelings and didn't understand why his eyes kept drifting toward men rather than women. But now he knew all too well and wished that he was like normal people, that he at least could find women's bodies attractive instead of men's. It would make things much easier. If he looked too much his mind would start to wander in directions that it definitely should not and could not afford to wander.

"I don't want to spread mud all over your floor." Eduard's voice distracted him, and he was grateful for that. But he still wished that his friend would get properly dressed again. Ludwig knew that he had a nice body, and his sweet personality, and the help he had been offering him, did not help at all to stop him from feeling just a little attracted to him. He had always found the boy interesting and different, and was a little envious of Orpherus for having such a good friend, but happy to be able to call him one as well. He couldn't ruin their current relationship by even hinting at his very unsuitable proclivities. "Why exactly are you wandering around covered in it again in the first place?" So he focused on words instead. Words and keeping his voice, face, body language - everything - under control. Nobody could ever know.

"You know how graceful I am," Eduard said and Ludwig could guess that he said it with a shrug. "I slipped on a pebble and tripped on...actually I have no idea but anyway, I got covered in it. I love the rain but with my great skills I get dirty a lot."
Skills indeed… Ludwig ran a hand over his face. He had not doubted that Eduard actually had sound reasons to undress but none the less... "Very well. But do get out of the window and close it. You're letting the cold in." And having a near naked man in his room... If anybody saw, there might be rumours and he could not let that happen. Finally turning back to face Eduard, he crossed his arms across his chest, ignoring the worried pace of his heartbeat, focusing on the other lad's face. "Why are you in my room at this hour?"

Eduard closed the window, holding a bundle which had to be his pants and shirt rolled around his shoes. "Oh you know, locked myself out even by the secret passages, and all the others have turned their lights out but yours was still lit." He motioned toward the lamp Ludwig had not yet turned off, since he had been reading in its light. Ludwig sighed. "And if it had not been turned on?" Eduard did definitely shrug at that. "I guess I'd have slept in the stable, or the hayloft. It's cozier than you'd think, you should try it sometime, Lui." Toward the end of the sentence, a grin spread on his face.
"You have a habit of doing that, it seems," Ludwig pointed out, ignoring Eduard's suggestion. They both knew that Ludwig would be hard pressed to sleep anywhere but in a bed. "You don't believe me do you?" Eduard said with an amused tone in his voice. Ludwig shook his head.

"At least you have learned to bow properly by now," Ludwig remarked, and Eduard burst out laughing. "Yeah that took some time, I'm pretty sure father didn't really know what to do with my weird bows."
"What I was forced to witness was rather more a curtsy than a bow," Ludwig said. "I thought so the instant you performed it." Eduard only laughed more. "Really? Then it's even worse isn't it, I feel sorry for the people trying to teach me, I was such a bad student at those things with posture and body manners."
The corners of Ludwig's mouth twitched slightly upward. "It is not called body manners, Eduard," he said, and Ed only grinned wider at him. "No? Weeelllll I'll continue calling it that since it's pretty much what it is.
"You are ridiculous," Ludwig said with a huff. He didn't mean it in a bad way this time though. Somehow Eduard knew how to be ridiculous in an amusing, uplifting way and he found he liked it, a long time ago. But it was late, and Eduard was still nearly naked, which really was not good. "And you need to leave, or you'll catch a cold if you don't get into bed soon."
Eduard smiled at him, but he didn't look all too worried about getting sick. Even though he had been so insistent on Ludwig staying warm just the other night. "Don't worry, I'm made of sturdier stock than you," he said, and Ludwig frowned at him. "But I will, thanks Lui, I'm happy you're concerned about me." Ludwig sighed with a slight smile making its way back on his lips. "Yes, now, return to your room."
"I will I will." He headed for the door. But he stopped once he was at it, a hand on the handle. "But Lui, you gonna be alright tomorrow?”

It was a question out of concern, because tomorrow everyone would leave for home for a holiday. Usually Ludwig didn't push aside thoughts of returning to his home but lately he had. The reality of the present crashed down on him again, and the smile disappeared as if swept away by a storm. He didn't want to return tomorrow. He didn't want to go to a house which had lost its smiles. Without mother, what would it be like? He had not been there since the day after she died, and he didn't want to go back yet, he was not ready. "I'll be fine," he said, even though he was definitely not going to be fine. But he had to pretend, he was the oldest and he couldn't let his mask crack. If it cracked once, he was worried that it might be hard to piece back together and who knew what would be visible for others to see if that happened. He had spent so many years perfecting it, to forge defensive walls around his heart and a steel mask on his face.

He didn't notice that Eduard had seen the shift in his eyes. He wasn't used to people looking so closely for the sake of recognizing and caring about his feelings. Camus could always tell because he was sensitive to other people's feelings, and Naoji had adapted fairly well to understanding his moods but his walls were high and thick and heavy.

He didn't notice the shift in Eduard's whole appearance either, he only noticed that suddenly, the older boy was pulling him close into an embrace smelling of rain and horses and something that could only be described as a scent so unmistakably Eduard.

Ludwig's fingers twitched, then went still at his sides, and he wondered if he had just been about to return the embrace or push him away. He closed his eyes, allowing Eduard to hold him in that surprisingly comfortable and comforting hug. He was not used to other people hugging him. His cheek brushed against wet hair, and for an instant, only the briefest instant, he wanted to bury his face in his shoulder and hope time would freeze forever because no he was not going to be fine but he had to be. But he couldn't stay like that. Before he actually let his impulses get the better of him, one of his hands moved up to one of Eduard's bare soft-skinned shoulders, and he pushed him away. "Good night, Eduard," he said, and ushered the boy out of his room before he had the chance to say anything.

The sensation of his body against his made his skin tingle oddly, as if it throbbed with the pace of his heartbeat. He shouldn't feel such sensations. That wasn't the way a man was supposed to react to the touch of another man, he knew that. He shouldn't want to pull him closer or want to be held by any other man, not even innocently by a friend. He stepped over to the window, turning off the lamp on the way through the room, and stood uneasily threading his fingers through the tail end of one of his braids as he looked out at the school premises. This wasn't good, he needed to steel himself. Returning home would not be easy. He knew his siblings and his father needed him but in this state he would be of no use to any of them. He had to pull himself together. He had to suppress all those useless emotions and make sure nothing slipped.

His hand clenched around the braid, and he turned away from the window. As he leaned against the glass, he watched his shadow stretch across the moonlit floor.

This was going to be a long night.

The dormitory was in an uproar, as much as a dormitory filled with aristocrats of varying ranks could be in an uproar when they prepared for departing for a holiday visit at home. Ludwig's car would not be ready just yet, since he had arranged it to be ready a bit after most had left. He didn't want to be caught up in the flood of cars and coaches arriving or students departing.

But he did go to see his friends off. Camus looked at him with concern, instantly able to tell that Ludwig had not slept that night. He avoided the topic, and Camus accepted it, not pushing him for answers. He was grateful for that. There were so many things that he didn't tell his cousin, he thought, but he was pulled from delving further into the thought when he heard a familiar laugh as a response to some other conversation.

He couldn't look at him. But he did, acting as if everything was normal, as if he had not momentarily been tempted to break the vows he had made to himself once he realized what was wrong with him. He exchanged words with all of them, parting for the time being, until he would see them again at the funeral. The funeral that he didn't want to think about.

He didn't stay for long once he had said his greetings, choosing to return to his room and, simply to have something to do, make sure he had packed everything that he needed to bring with him. It was not much and he had already gone through his suitcase several times during the night, looking for a distraction, but he still needed that. A distraction.

He still didn't want to go home, but he didn't want to think about things going on at the dormitory either, or the school, because his mind kept returning to the feeling of Eduard's body against his and he couldn't think about that. If only all of this could be over, then he could fill his mind with school work and business instead.

He didn't really have much to do with the Braunschweig house again after he had met that boy, so he didn't get a chance to meet Eduard again for a long time. He did hear about him from time to time, because the nobility loved to gossip. He has some run-ins with the boy rumoured to be good friends with the Braunschweig boy however, a boy named Orpherus. A far too idealistic boy. A boy unburdened by the cruel reality of the world, and thus unable to see all of it.

Apparently he was going to be sharing a dormitory with that boy, he found out when he encountered him upon entering the dorm building for the first time. They didn't get along very well, having clashed the instant they met, and he doubted that they would ever see eye to eye. However, he had a name to uphold and a house to protect, so he had to remain at least civil toward him. Orpherus looked just as hard-pressed as Ludwig felt, to be polite and exchange formal greetings, but he pulled it off fairly well. It was better than on past occasions, at least.

As he let go of Orpherus hand he heard a crystal clear laugh, warm and friendly behind him, and he saw Orpherus' attention shift to someone behind him. Apparently the lad was much more pleased to see whoever was by the door. "I'm fine I'm fine," a warm voice said, "it'll dry."
"Are you sure? The horse seemed spooked..." He turned around when he heard his cousin's voice, and he saw Camus talking with a tall boy covered in dirt. He was thrown aback by how easy it was to recognize him. The boy may be much taller than he had been back when they were children, but there was no mistaking those startling green eyes set in that brown face.
"Yeah, I hope she's alright," the boy said, evidently more concerned about the horse that had apparently knocked him over rather than about his own appearance. It seemed as if Eduard had not changed much since they met all those years ago.

Chapter Text

“I do worry,” Orpherus said. He watched his best friend, who was sitting on the edge of the pier in a crouch. Ed looked up, away from the water that stretched far off. It was impossible to see where the other side of the lake met with the grass and rocks, but the hills and forest grew tall into the clear sky. “You said that before but I don’t really get it. What are you so worried about?”

“Ludwig invited you to his cousin's wedding, rather than inviting Naoji, or Camus. Or a lady to be his date for that matter. I doubt anyone expected for that to happen.” Ed hummed, nodding. “I know that. So?” Orpherus was silent for a minute or two, his gaze returning toward the uneasy lake. “It's impossible to know what he thinks.” That was the single sentence that he finally settled on. It didn’t clarify what had him so concerned, in Ed’s mind, but it wasn’t as if he disagreed. So he shrugged. “I know. He's a complicated person. But that makes him Lui. And a complicated person can still be a good person, and Lui is a good person.”

“Well, yes, I suppose…….. You are far too trusting sometimes.” Eduard laughed at that. “Speak for yourself,” he said with a grin. “You’re actually worse than me you know? It’s just that you and Lui are a bit on each other’s toes all the time because of your differences in politics so you’re wary of him. Maybe the both of you should learn how to compromise a little, I’m sure you’ll get along much better then. Though I don’t know, he at least seem to enjoy your arguments. And you get riled up but you’d miss them too right?”

“You…” Orpherus sighed, shaking his head as the air slipped past his lips with the word. “Your good nature and kindness will cause you trouble some day.”

“That’s fine,” Eduard shrugged, grin still in place. “trouble seems to like me.” Which was true, he was pretty good at getting into trouble. But he was pretty good at getting out of it as well, one way or other. That he was quick on his feet and street-smart certainly helped. “Anyway, you still haven’t explained what you’re so worried about.”

Orpherus refrained from making a wry face, though Eduard saw the twitches at the corners of his eyes and mouth and knew he was suppressing one. Always the gentleman even when implying things that might be less polite, his best friend. “You know he will use anything or anyone for his gain. I simply want you to be careful so you are not involved in one of his schemes.”

“He’s in mourning, you know. Besides, what’s he gonna gain from me? My mother’s strudel recipes?” Eduard applied a doubtful expression on his face. Orpherus arched a blond eyebrow at him. “Every kind you make are delicious every time, but that is not what I was talking about.”

“You know I was joking right? I was being sarcastic. Really Orphe. You also know that he’s tried to push us away to not get us involved so I think it’s a good thing that he doesn’t do that this time.” Eduard pushed himself to an upright position, shoving his hands into his jacket’s pockets. “I really think your worry is unfounded, but if I notice anything’s up I’ll keep an eye out. Will that put you at ease?” He really doubted that Ludwig was up to anything at the moment though. At most what he was up to was getting some comfort from someone that had been through something similar, and to get the same for his siblings. From Eduard’s observations, Ludwig didn’t know what to do with himself or his feelings at the moment, and he needed help. Why he had chosen Eduard though, he really didn’t know for sure, it was just a guess and as he had said, Ludwig was a complicated person.

Under Eduard’s determined gaze which still held a smile, Orpherus finally yielded. “Very well, I will accept that. Please be careful though, Ed. A royal wedding will surely be an event unlike any other and I’m not sure you will enjoy it.”

“I know.” Eduard scratched his cheek absently. “It’s a huge deal, and I’m really putting myself in a situation I’ll find uncomfortable but if it helps him and the other two, then it’ll be worth it and I won’t regret it. Either way I don’t regret accepting and I won’t regret it. He’s my - our - friend, and it’s a tough time for him right now. So I’m going to help as much as he lets me.”

“Big brother.”

Ludwig turned away from the newspaper. Breakfast was over with, and he had, for a break from the preparations and the people in black mourning clothes moving through the mansion, retreated to the library where they would leave him alone.

At first he could not find the source of the voice, but then he saw his younger sister and brother peer around one of the massive bookshelves. He frowned a little, unnoticeably, at them. “What are you two hiding there for?” he asked them. Kilian looked down at the floor scuffing a shoe against the floor, but Elise did not turn her gaze from Ludwig’s. She cleared her throat, stretching her entire body - tall for a girl of 11 but not as tall as Ludwig had been her age - and she raised her chin. Her posture was very similar to her older brother’s and her voice contained a certain amount of autocratic tones that reminded him of himself, as did the attitude she showed people as well. “Brother, please read to us.”

For several moments, he looked at the two children in silence. The only sound that was heard was Kilian’s nervous shuffling of his feet. Among several things, the seven year old boy had a bit of a problem with being wholly still, it had been noted early on and it was something that his tutors complained about to each other. Ludwig didn’t like that they used his brother’s inability to pay attention or lack of focus as an excuse to call him stupid and mock his lack of scholarly achievements, which certainly were more than lacking, particularly in comparison to what his older siblings had done at his age. But Ludwig knew that his brother really was clever and talented if something really did manage to catch his attention. He had gotten more than one tutor dismissed because of the attitude they showed towards Kilian when nobody else was looking, and because of comments he had heard them exchange behind their employers’ backs.

Kilian loved fencing though, and it was hard to tear him away from the fencing instructor when he was around. Despite being so young, he could nearly keep up with Ludwig’s swordplay, as well as best his sister’s. She also stubbornly kept joining her brother’s lessons, ever since she decided that she ought to learn as well despite being a girl. Both his siblings could really be a handful, and they had been even more demanding since Ludwig returned home two days ago.

The newspaper could very well wait for a while longer though, even if he needed a break from everything that included liveliness. It had started to contain a too high amount of propaganda, to be to his taste. He wished they contained more unbiased information, so that the truth was unobscured. But he knew that was too much to ask for, particularly in a time such as this, where unrest was increasing. He would still dutifully read all the articles of course, but they did wear on him. Peace, it seemed, might not last much longer. He really did hope that Kuchen could stay out of it but it was unsure if it would be able to remain neutral in the future. His majesty was getting old as well, and with no sons, it was uncertain of what would become of their country, particularly under the leadership of his cousin the princess’ consort, whoever that would turn out to be. It was not the oldest princess that was soon getting married.

He rubbed the crease that he felt growing on his brow and relaxed his face best he could, and folded up the paper. “Very well,” he said. Kilian's face lit up, and he rushed past his sister, nearly knocking her over in his hurry. “Kilian, mind your sister,” Ludwig remarked as he placed the paper to the side on a table. “Sorry, Eli!” Kilian shouted at her and she shook her head with a huff as she made her way over to them. Ludwig managed to not groan when Kilian jumped into the couch and his lap with little heed for how he got where he wanted to be. Ludwig was not very good at physical contact, while Kilian was not very good at boundaries. Well. Being friends with a person like Eduard certainly helped him practice while he was away.

The thought of Eduard made him pause, though Kilian didn’t notice it. Elise, however, much more capable of paying attention than Kilian and much more attuned to their older brother’s moods, did notice. “Brother, your face is weird,” she commented. Ludwig scowled at her and shook his head. Kilian tipped his head backwards, trying to see his face but unable to do so properly from where he sat in Ludwig’s lap. “My face is perfectly normal,” he said. “Kilian, try to bounce just a little less, please. I won’t be able to see the pages well enough.”

Kilian puffed up his cheeks, and chose to slip out of Ludwig’s lap and sit on his other side, pressed up against his side. He knew that he would be unable to keep still, which was why he had elected to not sit in his brother’s lap after all. He pushed the book into Ludwig’s hands, and he turned it right-way up to see what it is they had brought. “The Story of Doctor Dolittle?” He had not heard of the title before. “Very well… The Story of Doctor Dolittle, Being The History Of His Peculiar Life At Home And Astonishing Adventures In Foreign Parts Never Before Printed.” That certainly was a title… “To All Children Children In Years And Children In Heart---”

“Don’t read the dedication!” Kilian interrupted. His bouncing was causing Ludwig’s arm to shake a bit, since the boy was holding on to it, but at least it was not terribly difficult to read what was written. Ludwig frowned at his little brother. Reading to the children had been mother’s task, and she had loved doing it. But Ludwig had little experience in this field. Least of all to Kilian, who had little interest in most written word unless it somehow related to fencing. “Am I not supposed to read the work in its entirety?” Kilian shook his head. “You read the story,” he said with much conviction. Ludwig sighed, but obliged and turned to the first page of the actual story.

“Once upon a time, many years ago when our grandfathers were little children--there was a doctor; and his name was Dolittle-- John Dolittle, M.D. "M.D." means that he was a proper doctor and knew a whole lot.” Ludwig glanced to the side as he felt Elise snuggle closer to him. She was holding on to his other arm. He turned his gaze back to the page. “He lived in a little town called, Puddleby-on-the-Marsh. All the folks, young and old, knew him well by sight. And whenever he walked down the street in his high hat everyone would say, "There goes the Doctor!--He's a clever man." And the dogs and the children would all run up and follow behind him; and even the crows that lived in the church-tower would caw and nod their heads.”

At first he didn’t see why they wanted him to read that particular book - Elise perhaps, she had at one point declared that she would become a doctor, though she had declared she would do several other things as well (such as not getting married) and it was a little hard to know if she was going to stick long to whatever path she had set upon; but not Kilian. This was one peculiar doctor though. Keeping mice in the piano, rabbits in the pantry and a squirrel in the linen closet. Certainly something that might appeal to children, he supposed. And to certain someones, as well. The opinion of preferring animals over the ‘best people,’ as well, reminded him of his friend. He supposed Eduard wouldn’t sell his piano though, except maybe if it was for the sake of his horse.

“And now,” he read as his brother fidgeted and his sister pressed close and he himself kept on being reminded of Eduard without even attempting to be reminded of him. “when he walked down the street in his high hat, people would say to one another, "There goes John Dolittle, M.D.! There was a time when he was the best known doctor in the West Country--Look at him now--He hasn't any money and his stockings are full of holes!" But the dogs and the cats and the children still ran up and followed him through the town --the same as they had done when he was rich.” He didn’t understand that. Was the man that likeable? Or were children that uncaring about status? Was it a thing that children of the common people did? He couldn’t say that he ever would have been able to relate to that, even as a child. "I knew that parrots can talk," said the Doctor. "Oh, we parrots can talk in two languages-- people's language and bird-language," said Polynesia proudly. "If I say, `Polly wants a cracker,' you understand me. But hear this: Ka-ka oi-ee, fee-fee?" “Good Gracious!" cried the Doctor. "What does that mean?" "That means, `Is the porridge hot yet?'--in bird-language." "My! You don't----” He was, once again, interrupted by his brother.

“Ka-ka oi-ee, fee-fee?” Ludwig nodded. “That’s what it says.” Kilian stared at him with wide eyes. Then he leapt to his feet. “Ka-ka oi-ee, fee-fee!” he cried. “Parrots say kakaoiefeeefe! I need to tell mother---” Suddenly he fell completely silent. Ludwig felt Elise clutch tighter to his arm and bury her face against it. Kilian crouched down on the floor, burying his face against his legs. Ludwig had not seen him be that still while awake before.

“Kilian, come over here,” he said after several long moments of silence. The atmosphere in the room was heavy, when they were hit all over again with the thought that their mother was gone and never would come back. Kilian didn’t move, still. It was, to be honest, weird. It was annoying at times that he couldn’t stay still when it was important, but this was worse. He didn’t know what to do.

Awkwardly, Ludwig cleared his throat. “Why don’t you ask Eduard to read this to you when he comes? I’m sure you would enjoy it more.”
“Ed is coming!?” Kilian reacted as Ludwig had hoped, face turning up at him with wide eyes. There were tears in his eyes, but they had not started to fall yet. He didn’t get up off the floor, but at least he wasn’t curled up into a ball as much any more.

“...I want to hear brother read it.” Elise’s muffled voice was heard from Ludwig’s sleeve.
“I’m not very good at it,” Ludwig protested. Really, he wasn’t. He could not manage any proper ardour in the words, or make it sound as if different people - or animals, in this case - were talking. He remembered that mother was able of doing that. She had been a very talented storyteller “No, I want brother to read it.” Elise insisted.

“In that case… Once we have read it, you can tell Ed all about it.” Elise nodded. Kilian, after Ludwig asked him to come back once more, finally moved and curled up in his seat again, this time rocking back and forth against Ludwig’s arm.

It was hard, knowing how to deal with everything. His siblings were much younger than him, and had been more dependant on their mother---Kilian most of all. Ludwig missed her too though he didn’t know how to express it. He could deal with it though, he was used to hiding what he felt, both when he did and didn’t understand what those feelings were. Surely he would be able to do it properly with some practice.

Augusta’s home felt much more welcoming than his father’s house. Although he had had more than one serious conversation with his step-mother since the time she attempted to shoot him, things between them were still far from fine, and it was clearly still hard on her that he was around. He was glad that father had taken what had happened seriously and was trying to repair things with her, too. She didn’t glare in that particular, sort of sad way, when he talked to his older sisters any more, she didn’t do that, but she was not completely happy about it either, he could tell.

So it was still a bit uncomfortable to be home, even if the pressure was a little bit lighter. He still went out a lot, with Althea, with Erika, with Orphe, with Augusta. His horse, and his friends, had always been a great support for him and his sister now, too, was trying to help build bridges.

“You’re getting better! Maybe you’ll soon be on my level!” Augusta said in a serious tone with a smile that, on her face, was a good-natured and a bit teasing smile. She brought her horse to a stop beside Althea, and the horses, familiar with each other since years back, calmly spoke to each other about secrets their humans didn’t really understand with body language and snorts. Ed patted Althea on her withers, relaxing the reins to let her stretch her neck.

Eduard laughed happily, feeling the blood rush from excitement in his body. “You honor me!” he said, unable to even pretend to be serious. Augusta’s cheeks were rosy with exercise, and his were surely so as well, even if the color of his skin didn’t show it very well. “Your turn, Augusta.” He held out a hand, and she dropped the stopwatch into his hand. He looked down at the time, noting that indeed, he had gotten better. He turned the hands back to zero, and moved Althea to the side so they wouldn’t be in the way as Augusta guided her horse through the course once more. Her time was very close to Eduard’s, this time she was beating him by only a few seconds. It was not unusual, that they got very similar times on the course, and it was always exciting to see who came out on top and who had to buy the other something to eat. “Oh man, I don’t stand a chance,” he chuckled as he gave her the time. She was smiling brightly. “See, what did I tell you?” she said proudly, a little breathless as she rode up to him on Emmeline. He couldn’t help but laugh more. “Yep, you sure told me. we’ll just have to try even more, huh. Or what do you say, Althea?” He scratched her mane and she snorted, moving her head up and down in a nod. “What do you say, should we try again in a bit?” Again, Althea seemed to agree.

Augusta rested her hands against the pommel of her saddle, observing her friend while he was talking with his horse. If only he wasn’t so oblivious all the time…. Honestly, she didn’t know what to do about that. Was the only way to make him understand by telling him how she felt and hope that, despite no signs of it, he liked her back as more than a friend? She doubted that he did, sadly. He had a lot of love, and he clearly cared for her, but not in the way that she cared for him. Opening his eyes to the fact that there were people that liked him in a more romantic way rather than one that was platonic however, probably needed to be done that way. She squeezed the reins in her hands, and Emmeline twisted an ear in her direction, sensing her mood. She patted her above the shoulder, then straightened her back.

“Ed,” she called, and he looked over at her. “Yeah?” He had to look up a bit, because Augusta’s horse was bigger than Althea. When they were in the saddle was the only time where he had to look up at her instead of the other way around. He wasn’t much taller than her, but he was none the less the taller one out of the two of them. Unless she was wearing high heels, but she wasn’t in the habit of that. Lower heels were much more manageable, and more convenient in the saddle. “Should we take a canter across the meadow before we take the hurdles once more?”

“Oh.” He nodded eagerly. “Yeah, let’s do that. I want Althea to get to run as much as possible while I can.”

Chapter Text

“You have too little black clothing,” Angelika said, frowning at the selection of black clothes laid out on Eduard’s bed. She picked up a shirt to scrutinize it but she seemed to decide against having her brother pack it, and put it back down. She picked up another one, though Eduard couldn’t see the difference between the two.
“Do I?” he asked, one leg pulled up on the bed where he sat beside all the clothes two of his older sisters were looking through.
“You do,” came Katarina’s voice from the closet, where she was sifting through the clothes in search of an outfit for the wedding. All three of his older sisters had already declared, not shortly after they found out that he was going to it, that he needed help in choosing clothes for the two events, particularly when one of the two were the event of the year, this year even bigger than the Christmas celebration or New Years. Royal weddings were rare, and everyone were excited about it.

Almost everyone, Ed thought to himself, thinking about his friend in mourning. “I could always borrow something from you,” he said as he obediently stood when his youngest older sister gestured for him to do so. Angelika held up a shirt against his chest, a critical gaze on it and on him.

“I know you’re just joking, but please don’t,” the two young women said at the same time. It was far too easy to tell they were sisters sometimes, without even needing to take their similar appearances into consideration. It made the corners of Ed’s mouth twitch upwards in an amused smile. “They wear skirts in Scotland,” he pointed out. “Well, they call them kilts but there it’s manly to wear them.” Angelika looked up at him, hands still holding up the shirt. He could see Katarina look away from the closet’s content through the corner of his eye.
“I’m not going to wear a skirt to the funeral, don’t worry.” He wouldn’t do that. He already was enough of a scandal, going to the king’s younger sister’s funeral in a skirt would ruin the family’s reputation. Not to mention it would be seen as disrespectful and he didn’t want to insult his friend in any way. But he had worn his sisters’ skirts on occasion in the past, when their mother had not seen it. It was pretty comfortable, easy to move in as long as the skirts were not too long or too short. Plus, his sisters had thought it was fun once upon a time. But they were all grown up now, so he supposed that it made things different.

“Good,” Katerina said. She brought over a few articles of clothing, laying them on an unoccupied spot on the bed. Which resulted in the place Eduard had been sitting on being taken over by clothes he usually never wore because they were too fancy for his taste.

She returned to the wardrobe to give its contents another throughout look-over. “Do you even have anything suitable for a royal wedding? Really, we should have taken you out shopping for it. It’s a shame we have been so busy.”

“Sister,” Eduard looked at Katarina as she continued rifling through his wardrobe. “You always try to bring me out to shop clothes. You know I’m not very fond of it.”
“Yes, but,” his middle older sister turned to him and Angelika, while Angelika instructed him to strip so he could try on a set of clothes, “this would have been for an actual reason.”
“So you’re admitting that usually it’s for no real reason.” He pulled off his shirt as he said it, and when he emerged from it he noticed that Katarina had crossed the room to step up to him.
She tugged at his cheeks. “You are so cheeky!” she said, but she sounded more amused than anything, because there was laughter in her voice. Eduard only grinned at her, ignoring her fingers still gripping his face. “Very,” he agreed, then took a step back so he could take the shirt Angelika had chosen for him to try, and slipped it on. His sisters both pointedly turned away when he changed to the trousers she had picked. “Am I supposed to wear a tie?”

“Did you forget the explanation I gave you before, Ed?”

Eduard turned toward the door, head tilted and gaze on his oldest sisters. “Yeah, more or less. Clothes isn’t my expertise, you know.” Margarete sighed, moving across the room. “You don’t really have any appropriate ties either way. I borrowed one from father.” She stepped up to her brother, turned up the collar of his shirt and wound the tie about it.

“I have plenty of ties,” Eduard pointed out with a slight pout, and Angelica giggled as Margarete sighed when she patted Eduard on the shoulder to let him tie the tie for himself, and Katarina turned to look at the collection of ties hanging on the inside of the closet door. “You have plenty of ties, that is true. But I wonder where in the world you get them from. Over half are absolutely ridiculous. You can’t expect to wear those in public.” Eduard’s pout only grew, even as his hands worked on the knot.

“In another world, another time, I guess,” he murmured, and he was met with three identically quizzical looks. “Never mind,” he added, shaking his head. If there were a world, a time, a country, where people weren’t judged so harshly by what they wore, how they acted, where they came from, then he would like to see it. But he doubted he would. The world was in unrest, the whispers of an incoming war wandering through the streets and parlors, though Eduard knew that His Majesty intended to make sure Kuchen remained neutral in hopes that it wouldn’t be dragged into it. They would still be affected though, even if they didn’t part-take in battle. They were too closely located to countries worse off than theirs. And the world was a place filled with unfairness, harsh and difficult to live in for many. It was years since Eduard had lived on the street, and it had not been for as long a time as it were for many, but he remembered it all too well. In another world, time, country, maybe nobody would starve or live with the fear that the sunrise they’re watching may be their last one.

“Eduard?”

The hands on his face snaps him out of his thoughts, and, startled, he meets Margarete’s worries gaze. He made a confused noise, and she frowned. “Are you alright, Eduard?” Eduard grinned broadly, pushing the dark thoughts away. They were unnecessary, particularly when he was supposed to pay attention to his sisters. “Yeah, I’m fine. Why?”

“You spaced out,” Angelika said from somewhere behind him, and Eduard shrugged, pulling away to walk over to the most often neglected mirror. “I was just thinking, didn’t I have a dark tie? I must have forgotten it at the dorm.” It was a lie, and he wasn’t sure his sisters were going to believe it. But on the other hand it was true that he probably had an appropriate tie or two lying back in his dorm room. He had completely forgotten about that when he packed what he needed to bring with him.

“Sure thing,” Katarina was the one who spoke, though she didn’t sound entirely convinced. But she may only sound that way because Eduard knew that he wasn’t telling the truth. Generally, he wasn’t bad at reading the tones of their voices or the nuances of their expressions, but when his mind started to grow darker the way it momentarily did, his judgment became worse and he became worse at reading people. Yet reading people had become a necessity to survive back when he lived on the street, and was equally necessary for a politician.

He looked up from his reflection when he heard the sound of footsteps outside the room, and turned to see Henriette at the door. His sisters paused in what they were doing as well, which was scrutinizing his clothes and discussing the particulars of the upcoming wedding. Both Katarina and Angelika were engaged, and Angelika had asked Ed to make sure to remember as many details about the royal wedding as possible. Not everything made the news after all, and perhaps they could get some inspiration for their own weddings from it.

“Mother.” The four siblings greeted her, and she nodded shortly back. Henriette was silent for several moments, simply watching her husband’s son, whom she had despised and resented for so many years. “Don’t make a fool of yourself,” she then finally said. Eduard blinked in silent surprise at the comment, then nodded. “I won’t, mother.” She watched him another few moments without saying a word, then turned, disappearing out of the doorway.

“That’s her way of saying good luck to you,” Margarete said, once Henriette was out of earshot. Eduard nodded at her words. “Probably,” he agreed. It was the first time she had ever said anything that came even remotely close to ‘’good luck’’ to him, and it made him feel oddly warm. She didn’t want him to make a fool of himself because it would harm the family’s reputation even further, he knew that and he would do his very best to not damage the Braunschweig reputation. He understood that she may have said something similar but with a much colder tone than the one she had used, if this had been before the last incident where she tried to kill him. “So,” he said, not wanting to talk about Mother’s words due to a worry that the warmth he felt from them had been unfounded - which he knew he would think if he thought too much about it - and he turned to his sisters. “Does this outfit work?”

The church was cold and unwelcoming, despite the nice weather outside. People had started to arrive a little while ago, and to escape talking to anyone for a while longer, Ludwig had fled into a small sacristy that was used more for storing less valuable items, rather than for preparing for service, and the scent of candles was strong in there.

Ludwig leaned against a shelf, careful to not jostle any of the items on it. He stood opposite of a small barred window, looking out at what he could see of people making their way to the church. He knew Killian was asleep in the front row of the pews, and that Elise was watching over him. Ludwig should be there with them as well, but he needed some time away from the eyes of people hungry for scandal and the misfortune of others.

He thought that a priest or other had come to fetch something when he heard a knock on the door, but he rationalized that if that were the case, they would not knock. So it had to be someone who knew he was in there. Moving away from the shelf, he went to the door to open it, and he looked down at a face he had not seen out of her group in quite some time. He stepped aside after making sure nobody was watching, and she stepped inside after doing the same. Once he closed the door behind him, he instantly grunted because she wrapped her arms around him. As she was much shorter than him, her arms were around his waist. “Marin, don’t.”

The girl stepped away, folding her hands over her black skirts. Her red hair was gathered differently today, he noticed. It was not in its usual high twin-tails. Instead, it came in a single long braid resting over one of her shoulders.

Ludwig had never been very good at making friends. With his personality, and with the way he was used to people trying to exploit his father through him, he was suspicious of people. Had he met Marin for the first time at Rosenstolz, he never would have become friends with her. But things were different, because they met much earlier than that.

Their relationship has always been split into two different kinds, completely opposite of one another. Having known each other since they were children, Marin was an ally nobody would expect him to have. Likewise, he was her ally though nobody thought him to be. In truth, he found her overly cheerful, pushy attitude pretty annoying, but he was one of few who knew that she could be pretty insightful on occasion. She was someone who knew his secret, and would never tell a soul because she shared that fault with him. Though that was something nobody would ever expect from her, considering the way she acted in public.

“You looked like you needed one,” she said, big eyes locked on him. He could see the concern in them, and the sincerity. Shy she didn’t show all her sides in public, he didn’t understand. People didn’t expect as much of women these days though to be fair, he supposed, they didn’t really expect them to be intelligent or have their own desires. Particularly not women of the aristocracy. They were supposed to comply to their father’s and husband’s decisions, marrying whoever was the most suitable to raise the family and uphold the name of the family they were born into and the family they would eventually marry into.

“There is no need.” Ludwig shook his head, and Marin pouted. “You don’t need to lie when it’s just us, Lui.”

“No ‘Lord Ludwig’ today?” he asked her, and she pouted even worse at him. Ludwig crossed his arms over his chest. He knew she was right, she was the only one that he didn’t need to lie to about who he really was, but it was an old habit by now, and his posture was defensive, his arms a barrier separating him from her, and from the rest of the world. It wasn’t so easy as to just stop hiding it in front of one single person. Maybe it was easier for her, he knew how easily she could turn back into the bubbly, talkative girl everyone else at school knew her as, but for him it wasn’t the least bit easy to do something like that. He couldn’t alter his personality, only his level of politeness, and he only lowered that when he was among people he considered friends. And he did not have many of those. A few more than before, perhaps. The shift in the Strahl class had made him closer to a few more people, beyond the little group he got along with and Orpherus. “I’m not lying,” he persisted. “I don’t need any hugs.” Because he didn’t. “If you are so insistent on hugging someone, go hug my siblings.”

The smile on Marin’s face had a weird look in it. Was it sadness? She was easier to read than most because they knew each other well, but sometimes she made expressions that made no sense. Then she sighed, one of her hands moving to her hip and the other waving at him. “Fine, but turn around so I can have a look at your ribbon.” Ludwig sighed in turn, but did as he was asked. “As I thought. You need to stop tying it upside down. How do you even do that? Still? How many years will it take before you get it right? Also you’re too tall, let me reach properly. Are you still growing by the way?” She never did manage to stay away from talking for long, and once she got started it was better to just let her be instead of trying to interrupt her. He had learned the hard way that if you tried to make her be quiet, it would only make it worse. He crouched down, a hand against a shelf for support and his other arm resting against his legs. This girl could be a menace, but she was the only close female friend that he had, and he knew that she had her own troubles. Being a girl in love with another girl was almost as bad as being a man attracted to another man. It was a little easier to get away with, though. That much he had noticed from watching the girls interact with each other.

There was another knock on the door, and before Ludwig could stop her, Marin had bounced over to it to see who it was, the dark ribbon he had used to tie up his hair still in hand. “Lord Camus~” she chirped, slipping into her public personality as easily as striking flame to a match. Ludwig’s shoulders, which had tensed at the sound of knuckles against wood, relaxed a little. Marin stepped aside to let the other Strahl candidate into the room, and he closed the door behind him as he looked over the situation with a confused look. “Apparently I didn’t get the ribbon right,” Ludwig explained to his cousin, speaking only loud enough to be heard past the sound of Marin’s heels hitting the stone floor as she walked up behind him again. He felt her gather his hair in her hands, and would have shot her a glare for the way she tugged to gather it all up in a tail if they had been alone. “Mmm, you do need a bit more practice with ribbons,” Camus agreed, and Ludwig could sense Marin nod behind him. “There you go, Lord Ludwig,” she said and stepped away once she was done. “What do you think, Lord Camus? Does it look good? I think it turned out pretty good.” Inwardly, Ludwig winced at the tone in her voice. He didn’t like public Marin very much, the her she hid away was much more preferable.

But Camus was smiling, and seemed to agree with her. “It does look good. Marin, you’re very talented with ribbons. Perhaps you could teach Lui about the proper way of tying them some time.” Camus only missed the thought the other two shared, the one that said that she has been trying to do that for years now, because of the lack of flowers in the room.

“Brother,” was heard after a knock, and the door opened from the outside. Elise was peering inside the room. “Are you coming?”

Ludwig nodded, watching Marin leave to find her family. “I’ll be there in a moment,” he said. Elise nodded, a motion identical to her brother’s, and closed the door again. Camus stepped up to him, and placed a hand on his arm. “Lui, do you, um..” Ludwig frowned slightly, and raised an eyebrow. “I’m fine. You should go and find uncle, Camus.” He didn’t need hugs. He had a feeling that that was one of the things Camus had considered asking. “Ah, yes. I’ll talk to you properly later, okay?”

“Yes. And I’ll be right out,” he assured his cousin, who lingered a few moments, but then left him alone. Ludwig forced his shoulders to relax as he momentarily leaned against a shelf again, drawing a few deep breaths. He wished that this wasn’t happening. He wished that his mother was excitedly dragging them along to look at clothes in preparation for her niece’s wedding. But that was impossible, and having the funeral looming in front of him like a big, snarling beast was making it all the more real, and he wished that it didn’t.

Chapter Text

The minister’s voice was loud in the big church, but it was compassionate. He didn’t really listen to the words though, they passed right through him and didn’t actually register. His eyes was on the casket, a delicate work painted a glossy black, and the absurd thought of it being a monster that, if only defeated, would spit his mother back out again, alive and well, passed through his mind.

Despite how he knew that it was a ridiculous thought, and despite that it wasn’t like him to let such thoughts linger, the darkness seemed to spread from the casket, dark thoughts coming with it. He squeezed his eyes shut, closing out the overwhelming feelings that threatened to wash over him. He had been suppressing darkness before. It had been worse when he was younger, when he was still confused by his own feelings, but once he understood and learned to not think about them, the darkness kept away, or at most stayed at the corner of his eye, where he couldn’t touch it and it couldn’t touch him. Seeing the casket in front of him, surrounded by flowers, knowing what was inside despite the sealed lid, made the darkness grow.

When he felt something bump against his arm, he opened his eyes again, glancing to his left. “Brother,” Kilian whispered quietly, trying to follow the instruction to be as quiet as possible inside the church, but unsurprisingly he seemed to have trouble sitting completely still or staying completely quiet. Ludwig silently hushed him; the eulogy was almost over. From the tone of the minister’s voice, he could tell. The service would be over after only a few more hymns, and they would go outside to the cemetery. It would only be a little while longer, so if Kilian could manage to keep quiet during that time, that would be good. People were watching them closely, so remaining in control was of great importance. With a subtle movement, he grasped his brother’s hand in his, in an attempt to appease him for at least a little while longer. Kilian pressed against his arm, clutching it tight in his grip. Ludwig could feel his fingertips tingle as time passed, but he said nothing.

Eventually, the service itself ended, and they proceeded out of the church, following the casket bearers as they carried it to the funeral carriage. The procession was slow, the horses walked at the front, pulling the carriage, and even as they reached the graveyard and the open pit in the ground, Ludwig kept his face expressionless. Beside him, Elise was mimicking his expression, although not with complete success, and Kilian was clinging to their father’s side.

His gaze was locked on the hole in the ground, a dark pit that seemed to go right into the deepest depths of the earth. Even though the day was lovely, the sun shining with the only clouds in the distance, it was freezing.

“Brother,” Kilian had whispered as they headed down the road, and Ludwig had finally been able to ask what it was that he wanted. “Mother can’t come out if it’s shut.”
The cold had settled inside him then. While he had always been susceptible to the cold weather, the day itself wasn’t a cold one, and he shouldn’t be either. But it felt as if he had a big rock of ice in his stomach. “You know she isn’t coming out, ever,” he murmured. Kilian had stared up at him for several moments, then he had moved ahead to bury his face in father’s sleeve when his eyes watered. Ludwig glanced to the side when he felt a gaze on him, and Elise looked back up at him. He had sighed and his voice had been quiet. “I know.” It had been unnecessary. He could have phrased it differently. He could have softened his voice. It felt as if the ice spread through his blood. Her accusatory look had not faded while they walked.

The warmth of the sun refused to seep in through his skin. The hole in the ground had small mounds of dirt around it, and one big above it, where the gravestone would later be placed. He put his teeth in the front of his tongue, so nobody could tell, and barely blinked as the coffin was lowered into the ground, disappeared past the edges of the dark pit. Elise stepped up to the hole. Ludwig bit a little harder into his tongue. She dropped the bouquet on top of the coffin, mother’s favorite flowers falling out of sight. Ludwig followed, and watched his bouquet drop down beside his sister’s. The darkness seemed to grasp at the coffin, licking its edges, whispering words he couldn’t understand. The first shovel of dirt was dropped, and his throat felt as if it was closing up as he watched the symbolic gesture, heard the sound of it hitting the many flower bouquets covering the casket below.

This really was unbearable to be part of.

Some ways from the church was an old parish house that could be used for events such as the memorial, and the big room had long tables lined up with comestibles on it to accommodate the funeral guests.

As people entered the room, they greeted the family and offered their condolences. Eduard had already offered his moments ago, and had, together with Naoji and Orpherus, moved to the side where they were out of the way. They barely knew anyone at all at out of those who were present. He watched his friend over by his family as he accepted the guest’s words. There was nothing out of the ordinary about Ludwig’s expression, but he had been unable to shake a feeling of unease that had settled over him when he had looked into his friend’s eyes.

He spotted Lord Lüneburg, his wife, and then their three children. The count palatine greeted his brother, clasping hands and for a while, the relatives stayed to exchange quiet words. Camus spoke to Ludwig, but he seemed just as quiet as he had with the rest of them, sticking to the appropriate lines people expected him to. Even though it was Camus he was faced with. When Camus followed his family further into the room, there was a look of concern on his face.

Camus could sense Eduard’s gaze on him, and likely Naoji’s and Orpherus’ as well, and he looked over. Then he said some words, it seemed as if he excused himself to his family, and he headed over to them. “Camus,” Naoji murmured. He seemed to be watching Ludwig as well, and had clearly noticed the look in his eyes. “Can you tell what is wrong?”

Camus shook his head.

“His eyes seemed...vacant…” Orpherus remarked. Even he had noticed that Ludwig had changed.

“He’s worse off than before,” Eduard agreed quietly. There was something incredibly jarring about it. But hopefully, nobody but those who knew him well would be able to tell.

“I’m worried,” Camus said, so quietly that they barely could hear him. His gaze flickered up toward Eduard. “Ed… Please take care of him this coming week.” Eduard nodded, not taking his eyes off of Ludwig. “I’ll do what I can,” he said, trying to assure him. He didn’t look any reassured, but it was not at all weird that he wasn’t.

It was a surprise, though it shouldn’t have been, to see his uncle. Not Camus’ father, nor his majesty, there had been no surprise in seeing them. His mother’s second older brother, though, that was the surprise. Mostly because he was supposed to be locked up ever since his arrest, but it seemed as if he had been permitted to attend. Ludwig had not known that, and surely father would have mentioned it. But his mind had slipped on occasion, losing track of conversations for brief moments, and he must have done so at one of those occasions.

The pleasantries came automatically, the same as it had since the guests started arriving, like a record with only one single track on it, playing over and over again. The air between father and uncle seemed strained, even through the numb mist he had felt surrounding him since the ceremony. His brother seemed unable to read the atmosphere however, because he attached himself to uncle’s leg almost instantly. They had tried to explain the situation surrounding uncle to Kilian, but he had never really grasped it entirely. All he knew was that it was the first time in around a year since he had last seen this uncle, and he had always liked all his uncles equally.

The situation became uncomfortable very quickly.

Kilian was still upset with Ludwig, and because he had not seen his uncle since before his last birthday, he wanted to talk to him more, and didn’t want to listen when they said that there still were people who had yet to arrive, so they needed to wait by the door.

“I can take care of him for a while,” uncle offered. “We’ll stay close by.”

Ludwig watched both his uncle and his father, carefully reading their expressions. Uncle was sincere, for once. As far as Ludwig knew, he liked Kilian the most out of them, because he was the only one who was honest and not attuned to the politics of the aristocracy. Uncle also had a few guards with him, though they were dressed in formals for the occasion. It would likely be fine, and he would not try anything while he was with Kilian. Probably.

After a few moments, father accepted the offer, that for a while, Kilian would get to talk to his uncle. So they retreated, while Ludwig followed them with his gaze.

The evening air was cold, unlike how it had been in the day. The temperature had quickly fallen with the sun. Orpherus had found his coat as he made his way outside. He had said his goodbyes to Ludwig’s family, but he had not managed to find his classmate inside. Marin had informed him that she had seen him step outside a little while ago, and as he couldn’t very well leave without a proper parting to him, he went searching in the garden.

He soon found him sit on a stone bench by a fountain, gaze turned toward the never-ending flow of water.

“Ludwig,” he said, to make his presence known. Ludwig turned his gaze from the fountain. “Orpherus.”

“I was intending to return home, so I wished to offer my condolences once more before I left,” Orpherus explained. The strange look in Ludwig’s eyes was still present, highly unsettling, and Orpherus offered forward his hand with hidden hesitation. It was unnatural, seeing Ludwig with an unidentifiable look like the one he currently had in his eyes. Ludwig rose to his feet, and grasped it. Orpherus managed to not flinch when he felt how cold it was.

“Thank you for coming, I am grateful.”

“Of course I would be here.” And not only to be polite, either. He looked down at their joined hands. “Ludwig, it is unusual for you to not wear your gloves.”

Ludwig’s gaze flickered downward as well, and silently, he only looked at their hands. He eventually retracted his hand, and let it rest limp at his side. He wasn’t wearing a coat either. Orpherus reached into one of his coat pockets and pulled out a pair of gloves that he offered the other Strahl candidate. “You can use these, simply return them to Ed later.”

Ludwig frowned just slightly, but accepted the gloves. “Why do you have them?” he asked.

“Because Ed has a tendency to forget to bring a pair, so I always have one ready just in case.” His best friend could be forgetful at times, and not think of everything. He wasn’t the most fond of gloves either, so they tended to be one of the things that remained forgotten, even in cold weather. That was something that Orpherus had learned about Eduard very early on in their friendship, even before they became best friends.

He watched Ludwig put them on, but the fingers seemed to be a little too short. Eduard apparently had a little shorter fingers than Ludwig did. But it was better than no gloves at all.

“Well then, Ludwig. I will take my leave. Do take care of Ed while he is with you.” Ludwig nodded, and with a few more words Orpherus left the garden, headed for the gate.

“Hi Elise,” Eduard said, as he sat down beside the girl. The crowd had thinned out, leaving only a few stragglers who were finding their outer garments and giving their last partings. Ludwig had returned inside to help his father to send them off. He had returned just a while after Orpherus had left.

Kilian had been brought to a room on the side by one of the housekeepers from the Liechtenstein mansion, but Elise was sitting on a couch beside a set of stairs. “Hi Ed,” she said. She looked tired.

“There’s not a lot of people left, you’ll be able to go home soon.” He adjusted the ribbon at the end of the long braid that rested on her shoulder. It had almost come undone. She moved her gaze through the room, and nodded. Then she looked up at him, and back down at the hands resting in her lap. “Ed?”

“Yeah?”

She was silent a long while, as if debating whether or not saying what she had on her mind. Once she finally did speak, he had a feeling there was something else on har mind as well. “The minister doesn’t know anything about mother,” Elise said, fingers tightly grasping at her skirt. After a few moments of silence, Eduard reached out to run a hand over her hair, and she leaned against him. “Yeah… He doesn’t. But you do, right?” She glanced up at him with an unspoken question in her eyes. “What matters is that you know. You, Kilian, Lui, your dad. That’s what’s important. Not what some stranger knows.”

She was quiet, then nodded. She leaned more heavily against him, and a while later he noticed her breaths evening out and realized that she had fallen asleep.

He stayed beside her, letting her use him as a pillow, while the last guests disappeared, and he looked up when Ludwig approached. “We’re leaving,” was the short comment that he had. He still had a look in his eyes that was very off.

Eduard nodded, then reached out. “Hey, give me your hand for a bit, Lui?”

Ludwig frowned. But then he did as asked, grasping Eduard’s hand with his. “You doing alright?” Ludwig’s frown deepened. “I am fine.” It was a lie, they both knew that, but they both already knew that Ludwig would lie. Eduard grasped Ludwig’s hand a little tighter, and his expression grew even more concerned. “Right. Just, you don’t need to push it, alright? Or force it.” He squeezed his hand again, eyes locked on Ludwigs. “Okay?”

Ludwig closed his eyes, drawing a deep breath. His face was closed off when he opened them again, but despite that, his eyes still seemed a little bit clearer. “Okay.”

It was not the first time that Eduard had thought that the Liechtenstein’s country property was more like a castle than a mansion. It was bigger than simply big, and it was a place where one could easily get lost in. In fact, he had gotten lost in it a few times in the past. He didn’t get the chance to get lost right away, though, since a housekeeper had showed him the way to the guest room that had been set up for him. That room was big, too. Everything was so big and so fancy in this mansion.

He had barely finished changing to night clothes before he heard a knock on the door. Had it not been so silent there, he might not have heard it, because it was a quiet, timid knock. It didn’t sound like any of the occupants of the mansion, to be honest. None of them were very timid.

When he opened the door, he found Elise outside. “Hey,” he smiled at her softly, and brushed a hand over her head when she buried her face in his stomach. “Can’t sleep?” She shook her head. She had been sleeping until it was time to leave the parish house, and on the ride to the mansion she had been staring out the window with a frustrated but blank expression. “I want to talk to brother, but I’m still angry with him.”

Eduard blinked quietly, then freed himself of her arms and crouched down to her level. She must have been thinking about whatever had made her upset with Ludwig back when they talked a little earlier, he realized. “How come you’re angry with him? Would you mind telling me?” She bit her lip, gaze falling to the floor. “He was really cold to Kilian. I know he didn’t mean to be, but… I got angry with him and I can’t stop thinking about it… Can you come with me?”

That Ludwig could be cold was nothing new, but he must have said something really cold, to make her so upset with him that she put it in words, and actually got angry with him. “Of course I can. You’ll have to show the way though, or I’ll get us lost.” She smiled weakly up at him, and chuckled a little, a small, small chuckle. “You get lost every time you’re here.” Eduard nodded. “Yeah, that’s true.” He let her take hold of his hand, and followed her toward Ludwig’s room. In front of the door she stopped, silent, staring up at it. “Want me to knock?” She nodded.

When, a few moments later, Ludwig opened the door, Elise had hid behind him. Not that she wasn’t visible, but she was less visible than if she had been standing beside him rather than behind him. “I’m assuming that you are not simply lost,” he said, gaze moving from Eduard to Elise. Eduard nodded, arm slightly awkwardly bent because Elise was still holding on to his hand. “Can we come in?”

Ludwig hesitated. To be honest, he simply wished to go to sleep, and hide from the world where nobody would see him or judge him, for at least a few hours. The cold that had lodged in his chest remained, the darkness threatened at the edge of his vision, more vicious than it usually was. Maybe sleep would make it go away. He doubted it, but even he could hope sometimes.

But instead of turning them away, he stepped away from the door, leaving it open as he went further into the room. The brush he had been about to use, and the ribbons meant to tie the braids in place, lay where he had left them on a shelf, but he didn’t touch them. He heard the door close, and turned back toward them. Elise was still holding on to Eduard’s hand, but she was not hiding as much as she previously had.

“Brother, do you miss mother?”

Though her voice was quiet, in the silence, in his ears, it was louder than the cry of a train whistle. “Yes,” he managed after some moments of silence that was so loud that he could hear his blood rushing in his ears. The darkness flickered in the corners. He wasn’t looking at either of them, not his sister, nor his friend.

“Why did you say...why did you say that?”

The way she intonated the word told him exactly what ‘that’ was meant to mean. “Because it’s the truth.”

“You could have phrased it differently.”

“I could have.”

“Why didn’t you?”

The tone in her voice was accusatory. Heavily so, in his ears. Was her voice really that full of accusation, or was it his own guilt that made it sound like it was? His voice come out quieter than he had intended it to, once he finally replied. “I couldn’t.” Even though he just said that he could have...he knew that he couldn’t have. Not in that moment, not in that state of mind.

He could feel their gazes on him, they burned his skin with their force. But he didn’t hear them move, didn’t realize that they must have moved across the space separating them until he had an armful of younger sister pressed up against him. He caught her only on reflex, but Eduard had not let her go until he was certain that Ludwig had proper hold of her. Her hand was in his hair, her child hand patting it in a way that told how unused she was to such an action, but also of how it was nothing but well-meaning. “What are you doing?” he asked her, and her face was buried in his shoulder and neck. His gaze moved to Eduard, confused. Eduard didn’t seem as if he was about to save him from the embrace. “You’re hurting too,” she said. He frowned, gaze falling away from Eduard so he couldn’t see what expressions he might make. He didn’t know what to say in reply, so he said nothing. Neither did she, she simply continued to pat his hair.

Until she finally stopped. He realized why when he heard a light snoring close to his ear.

“Eduard, could you get the door?” he asked. Eduard stepped closer, over to the both of them. “No, I can’t. Come on, you should sleep too.” He put a hand against Ludwig’s back, and Ludwig turned his gaze back to him as he was gently pushed. “She should be in her room.”

“Sometimes it’s nice to sleep with your siblings,” Eduard ushered him toward the bed, and Ludwig saw him pick up the brush and ribbons as they passed. “I think she’ll be happy if you let her stay in here for the night. You know, she was upset that she was angry with you. She didn’t want to be.” He looked down at the girl in his arms, and sighed. “You are saying it would be as if we both forgive each other?”

“Lui, she already forgave you. I think, though it’s just a guess, that she’s worried that you haven’t.”

“She doesn’t need my forgiveness,” he said. Why would she? The one who had been upset with the other was her, not the other way around. And he had been upset with himself for it, too. He saw Eduard shake his head and sigh. “Maybe it’s a younger sibling thing,” he said. Ludwig sat down on the bed, and untangled himself from his sister's arms and legs. She curled up on the bedsheets, grasping at them with her hands. “A younger sibling thing?” Eduard nodded as he handed Ludwig the brush and ribbons. “Yeah. You don’t have any older siblings, so it makes it a bit different.” He patted Ludwig’s shoulder. “I’ll go back to my room now, I’ll see you in the morning.”

“So you’re saying that you remember the way back?” Ludwig asked just as Eduard was about to head for the door. The other froze, and laughed a little awkwardly. “I’ll get there eventually, right?” He turned back toward Ludwig. “Good night, Lui.”

Ludwig sighed, feeling as if he was likely to regret his next words. He moved his hands to brush through his hair to seem less uncertain about the decision. “You may spend the night here, I will show you the way in the morning. You need to memorize the location of the room, though.” There was a look of surprise on Eduard’s face. “Are you sure?”

Usually, he would not braid his hair as quickly as he did, he liked taking some time with it when he did it for himself. But he tied one ribbon around the end of a braid as he nodded. “Yes.” No. No, he was not at all sure. But on the other hand, he didn’t know what words Elise might have for him in the morning, and he didn’t want to deal with that on his own. He felt Eduard’s gaze on him as he took care of the second braid. “Alright.”

He had intended to tell him to use the couch, but once they tucked in Elise, she refused to let go of the tail of Ludwig’s braid and of Eduard’s shirt. As a result, Eduard ended up in the bed as well. It wasn’t that they wouldn’t fit, or have room to spare, but to Ludwig, it was very awkward to share a bed with Eduard, even with Elise between them.

At least those awkward, uncertain feelings kept the darkness at bay, so perhaps it would be worth it. Still, while Eduard quickly go to sleep, it took long over an hour for Ludwig to fall asleep.

Chapter Text

The warmth of his bed was heavy, but it was a comfortable heavy. It was a warmth that seeped all the way into his bones. It was a little strange though. Usually when he woke up, even when he was warm he felt cold, the bones in his body always had an unpleasantly heavy feeling, his skin always felt as if there was a soft but chilly wind brushing against it. As if it instinctively knew that once he stepped out of bed, he would put up a barrier between himself and everyone else. A barrier against the world and all its judgement and dishonesty, which he too would only help further with his own lies to it and to himself.

There was a big lump pressed against his stomach and chest, and the warmth made him want to just lay there despite how he always got out of bed as soon as possible. Because he had to get up quickly, even when he didn’t want to. Maybe that was because the warmth quickly dissipated, normally. He preferred to not think about that. There were a lot of things that he didn’t want to think about at all.

Once he did open his eyes, they went wide as he saw Eduard, sleeping in his bed in front of him. People did not sleep in his bed, he was not comfortable with that, nor was he comfortable with sharing someone else's bed with them. Yet there Eduard was, messy hair, lips slightly parted, breath quiet.

Ludwig found he couldn’t move, or look away. How had Eduard ended up in his bed? He searched his mind, but perhaps because of the shock, he came up empty and without answers.

Only one of his arms were completely free at that moment, and he ran his hand over his face. This was troublesome. He didn’t know what he was supposed to do about this. When he was a child, he had slept in the same bed as Camus a few times. But ten years felt like a lifetime, and it was his cousin, and it was before he had realized, or at least understood, certain things about himself. And now he was much older, nearly 18, almost an adult by law.

A shift of the lump against his chest made him look down, and when he saw his little sister clutching his shirt in her hands, he was just a little relieved. At least he wasn’t sharing the bed with only Eduard. That made things a little easier on his mind. But he still had to get out of the bed, needed some space breathe. So he carefully freed his shirt from Elise’s grip, and moved slowly toward the foot of the bed. He didn’t want to wake either of them up yet. Once he sat at the edge surrounded by the cool morning air in the room yet to be warmed by fire or sun, the memories of last night, of the last couple of weeks, of all the things he would rather forget, finally returned to him. His breath stuttered in his throat, and he swallowed hard. He really needed some air. It was as if there were none letf in his bedroom.

When Ludwig left the room and entered the corridor outside and felt the carpet against the soles of his feet, he realized that he forgot to put on shoes. The long, expensive carpet was rough against his bare feet. How long had it been since he walked barefoot through these hallways? Also many years. It must have been over a decade since, he couldn’t remember exactly. Longer ago. When he was five? Maybe. But he didn’t return to his room to get them, instead he continued down the corridor until he reached a big glass door fitted in between the tall windows. He slipped outside, the stone was cold against the stone, and the air was colder still. He closed the door behind him, and leaned against the wall between two windows. The wind made him wish he had brought a coat, but he wasn’t going back inside now. Everything was so cold inside of him, he might as well be equally cold outside for a little while.

The sky was still dark, but far off on the horizon, a peach color was just barely visible. He wrapped his arms around himself in a vain attempt to fend off some of the cold at least, but it burned against his back through the thin fabric of his night shirt. He could hear a lonely bird chirp above him, and when he listened he could hear faintly its talons scrape against the roof tiles above him. It wasn’t unusual for him to be up this early in the morning, as he didn’t sleep very much even when he felt well, but he didn’t go outside, so he never saw or heard the stillness of the nature during these hours. Times before other people had woken up. No servants and no family members, they were all asleep, except for him. He took a deep breath, and another, and looked out over the garden. Deep breaths. Nothing could hurt him, absolutely nothing, he told himself. But it was a lie. Another lie that he kept telling himself. The trees were dark shadows against the dark sky, and he pressed his eyes shut. Shadows had, particularly lately, felt as if they hid the shadows inside him, the ones that he tried to keep away and bury deep inside him. Threatening to let the beasts they were escape from their cage. There were things he couldn’t, and shouldn’t, think about. But they still emerged, forceful and intrusive at times. He hated it.

He counted, breathing in for five seconds, breathing out for five. Over and over, only focusing on the numbers and keeping the rhythm to his breaths. But the images still floated into his mind. Ludwig had never really considered himself as someone with a particularly wild imagination, most often the only images he saw were numbers and letters, but sometimes, his mind would attempt to prove him wrong. It seemed as if this was one of those times. Because the images were not real. Not most of them, not even the ones that were, were completely aligned with reality.

What if you had stayed? his mind seemed to say. It offered up the image of Eduard in his bed, but instead of freezing and simply staring, Ludwig in the images reached out, to brush a finger through his messy bangs, moving to gently touch his cheek. He pressed his eyes shut even harder, so dark that light started to shift in the darkness the inside of his eyelids caused, trying to make the numbers louder in his mind, but the images wouldn’t go away. Instead they seemed to focus more, and, unhindered by a sister who appeared to not even be there, the Ludwig in the images shifted forward to press a kiss to Eduard’s lips.

Ludwig moved, quickly crouching down, back pressed against the wall, palms flattening across the stone behind him. He focused on the cold, tried to once more even out his breath. Tried to only count to a thousand and think about the burning stone wall and floor. He could not be seeing such images, it was not only inappropriate, it was dangerous. Homosexuality was, in Kuchen, illegal until only a few years prior, when it was declared a disease. No mattering its legal status however, people still looked at it the same way. It would certainly cause great scandal and probably ruin his family’s reputation and status if anyone found out that he had such...inclinations. In his case, he would even cause trouble for His Majesty. Gaze locked on the sky, he tried to gather his thoughts, his breath, and push down those forbidden thoughts. Even thoughts like those were bad to have.

I could go to France, was a thought that, unbidden, came into his mind. In France, homosexuality was decriminalized over a century ago, and people were much more relaxed about it there. But no, he couldn’t. He had duties to his family and his country, and he would never betray either. And France seemed far too free-spirited and different to live in. Or Italy… No. He tipped his head back, leaning it against the wall.

The sound of a throat awkwardly clearing startled him badly, and he flew onto his feet, stumbling. Hands caught him when he stumbled, grasping his upper arms firmly but gently. The warmth of solid palms slowly seeped into his skin. Ludwig could feel his heart race violently in his chest. “Lui?” He looked up to meet Eduard’s surprised gaze.

After a few moments, Ludwig took a step back, out of Eduard’s grip, and he shifted his hands behind his back, folding them in a casual gesture. He acted as if he wasn’t shivering with cold or as if his heart wasn’t pounding as hard as it actually was. As if he had not seen those images in his mind, or had those thoughts. “Eduard. You are awake at an early hour.” The surprised look on Eduard’s face, which had taken on a hint of concern as Ludwig had been standing frozen in his hands, deepened in a scowl, further concern making way onto his face. “It’s not that early. How long have you been out here?” The You’re freezing was something Eduard didn't need to say; Ludwig could hear it fully well in the tone of his voice. Ludwig turned his gaze toward the garden and the sky hanging above it, taking in the hues of pink and pale blue.

But instead of answering Eduard’s question with a comment that would betray how surprised he was at the amount of time that had passed while he had been battling unwanted thoughts, he instead made another remark, aware of how deflecting it was. “I’m surprised that you noticed I was here.”

“I’m more observant than people give me credit.” Eduard said, slipping his hands into the pockets of his jeans. Ludwig noted that he was not wearing anything to protect him against the morning temperature either, though while he wasn’t wearing any jacket, he was wearing shoes. “When you live on the street, it gets necessary to notice things that hide and might be out to get you.” He said it with such a calm tone of voice that there was no doubt about the truth in his words. There was a hint of darkness at the edge of his voice, in his eyes, that seemed so foreign when it appeared on his face. As if he was recalling something in particular, something that he didn’t like.

Things that hide? Ludwig’s heart, which had calmed somewhat, fluttered nervously under his ribs. “On the street?” Ludwig echoed in confusion, avoiding to ask what he really wanted to, with another question that Eduard’s words had brought to mind. That was the first he had heard anything of that kind come from Eduard. “Yeah.” Eduard didn’t elaborate further, nor did he seem interested in doing so, instead grasping the crook of Ludwig’s elbow with a hand. The warmth of his palm seeped through the thin fabric. When he spoke again he only sounded worried, any trace of that strange darkness in his voice completely vanished. “Come on, your toes and stuff are are turning blue.” Ludwig blinked at him, as he allowed Eduard to lead him back inside. “Stuff?” Eduard lifted Ludwig’s hand, and showed him the unhealthy tinge of pale blue they had started to take. “Like these stuff.”
Ludwig shook his head, feeling the carpet under his feet only barely as he stepped onto it. “As always, you have a talent with words.” Eduard laughed, the sound clear in the silence of the mansions upper levels, and he grinned at him. If Ludwig had not heard or seen that darkness mere moments ago, he would not have believed it had ever been there at all. “Don’t you know I have the greatest talent with words, Lui?” A smile, a small smile, crept up on Ludwig’s face. He supposed that, no matter the situation or thoughts, it was a comfort to have friends who genuinely cared about him. Maybe it did help that one of those friends didn’t mind ridiculing himself without missing a step, too, at least sometimes.

The sound of rushing footsteps, wind being cut, and wood hitting wood, echoed across the courtyard. Eduard and Kilian sparred, after Kilian challenged Eduard to a match---and then another match, and another and yet another. Kilian loved fencing, his energy and focus completely directed at it and making him not notice or think of anything else. His attention was on it with the focus of an unbroken waterfall.

Eduard sometimes spotted Elise sitting on the stairs, her older brother beside her and a book on law in her lap. Ludwig had papers and pen in hand, writing something scientific that Eduard didn’t understand. He sent glances toward his friend with concern in his heart, unable to devote his full attention to the consecutive mock duels. He didn’t really have much trouble keeping up despite that, but he knew that it was rude to Kilian to not give him his full attention. He simply couldn’t though, not while his thoughts were still returning to think about where he had found Ludwig the same morning. Was he trying to get sick on purpose, or was that simply a side effect of his thoughts? He knew that his mother’s death had had a great impact on Ludwig, it was something he had seen several times since it happened. But locking himself out on a balcony in cold temperatures wasn’t like him. He didn’t know if Ludwig actually knew that he had done so, he hadn’t asked, but the fact that the door had been locked and Eduard had needed to unlock it to get out to him still remained.

Kilian’s blunt practice sword was knocked out of his hand, sailed through the air, and disappeared among some well-trimmed bushes further away from the house. Eduard looked after it for several moments, half-listening to Kilian’s flood of reflective words regarding his own swordplay. Kilian continued to ramble, dragging Eduard along to go look for the sword. Eduard added comments and agreements where appropriate or necessary, but his heart wasn’t really into that, either.

They found the sword in a bush too high up for Kilian to reach, so Eduard reached for it to pull it free. It had gotten stuck, and only when he had managed to free it, he noticed that Kilian had wandered off. He could also hear the idle running of an engine in the direction of the road, where he could see Kilian’s small form, and he headed that way to see who he was talking to.

“Oh? Ed! This is a surprise!”

Eduard was surprised to find a familiar face and a friend leaning over a motorbike, and he grinned when he realized who it was. “Isaac!”

Beside him, Kilian was curiously looking at the Englishman and his bike. Both man and vehicle were covered in dust, trousers and fenders and pipes splattered with dirt. “I didn’t know you were in the area. So you know each other?” Isaac smiled at the boy. “Thank you for the directions, kid.” Kilian pressed into Eduard’s leg but nodded and smiled up at Isaac. “I’m happy to help.” Isaac ruffled the boy’s hair, and Kilian looked between him and Eduard in surprise. Eduard ruffled his hair as well, when he saw the look on his face. Why was it that nobles seemed to have a problem with showing their kids affection like this? If was such a simple action that any kid should be familiar with.

“What are you doing here?” Ludwig spoke from behind Eduard, and Kilian let go of Eduard’s leg before he realized that he still was upset with his older brother for a reason Eduard wasn’t privy to, and he reattached himself to Eduard’s pants. Eduard could feel Ludwig’s gaze burn against his neck, although very briefly, because that burning gaze moved on to Isaac. “Well?” he prompted. Elise was standing behind him, watching Isaac and his bike with great attention.

“There’s a lot of roads in the area, and I keep taking the wrong turn.” Isaac shrugged. “And you two? It’s rare for the two of you to be together without any of the other three.”

“I live here,” Ludwig said with a dry, blank voice. Eduard’s gaze flickered back to him, and he felt that concern swell inside him again. He only sounded a little different from usual, hardly detectable to Eduard, so it was unlikely that Isaac would be able to tell. “And I don’t want strangers to talk to my siblings.”

“Strangers, huh? That’s cold, Lui.” Isaac looked amused. “After all those exciting adventures we have had together.” Exciting adventures… Eduard wouldn’t consider getting locked inside a burning building or framed for treason exciting adventures, though maybe saving the king’s life together made the cut. But probably not in Ludwig’s opinion.

“What adventures?” asked two voices. One was Ludwig’s dry voice; likely he was thinking of the same thing Eduard did. The other was Kilian, who actually sounded interested. Isaac winked at the boy, who was still hiding behind Eduard. Not as much as before, though. “A whole lot that could fill a whole book,” he said, and Kilian gawked, the way a noble kid could gawk before realizing that they shouldn’t gawk at all. “Have you had that for long?” Elise asked, and Isaac turned his gaze to her. “My bike?” She nodded. “Mmm, seven years now, I think.” He patted the bike with a fond look on his face. “She’s been with me to a lot of places with barely a complaint.”

“Bikes can complain?” she asked, and she sounded very, very intrigued. Isaac nodded. “That’s right, when they don’t work as they should, it’s them complaining. It’s their way of telling you that they’re tired of your idiocy, or of any stupid things you might be up to.” The last bit was added with a chuckle, and Elise approached the bike to have a closer look at it. “Is it hard to learn?”

“Elise,” Ludwig said behind Eduard, but Elise ignored her brother completely. Aa-ah, these troublesome siblings! If they have issues with each other they should just get properly angry and yell at each other like normal people do! Isaac seemed to actually notice the tension between the siblings, judging by the glance he passed over them, but he decided to focus on Elise and her question. And on the large amount of follow-up questions that followed his answer.

Once Isaac actually left, following whatever directions Kilian had given him over two hours earlier, Elise turned on her heel, and marched up to Ludwig, who had retreated to the stairs and his scientific essay with a disgruntled air surrounding him. Eduard sat beside him, peering at the text and not understanding, as he had expected he wouldn’t. Kilian had gotten bored and returned inside some time ago. “I’ll consider forgiving you if you do me a favor,” she said. Ludwig blinked up at her, and he looked surprised. Then he folded his hands, a business-like aura and expression on him. “What is your proposal?” he asked and Eduard sighed inwardly. Honestly, was this way of dealing with your anger toward each other really healthy? Business deals? He never could understand the cool attitude that nobles tried to keep toward everything.

“Books on motorbikes,” Elise said. “At least a dozen.”

When they started to haggle about the amount of books, Eduard felt his mind momentarily shut off. He couldn’t understand it. He really couldn’t.

They could have taken a car to town, but Eduard had convinced Ludwig to take bicycles. They had not been used in years and Ludwig rode on his father’s bicycle, while Eduard rode on mother’s, as he had no issues with riding a lady’s bicycle. That wasn’t a surprise, though. The surprise was that he had even managed to convince him to do this in the first place. It would take much longer to go all the way to town on bicycles, it would take at least two hours. Ludwig had at least managed to arrange matters so that they would get picked up in town in the evening, but that still left an afternoon of pedaling and walking.

The road was deserted, for the most part, and Eduard would steer in to the side when they heard the tell-tale sound of a car approaching from behind. Otherwise he was beside Ludwig, closer to the middle of the road while Ludwig was close to the ditch. It was clear that it was longer since Ludwig was on a bike, than it was for Eduard. Not that Ludwig had any problems with it, but it was still obvious that it had been a while, at least to Ludwig himself.

At first Eduard had made a few jokes about how strange it was to see him on something so mundane as a bicycle, but for a while now they had been quiet.

Eduard seemed to be in deep thought. But then he pulled in a deep breath of air, and sighed. “Is this really the right way of dealing with any anger you feel toward each other?” Eduard asked, very suddenly.

Ludwig glanced to the side to look at him. His hands clenched a little tighter around the bicycles handles. “We handle our disagreements perfectly fine,” he said, but he soon realized that that had been the wrong thing to say.

“You fucking nobles,” Eduard said, sounding so blunt and unnaturally angered when saying something like that, that it was even more shocking than the words themselves were. Ludwig’s bike wobbled on the road momentarily, and he put a foot on the ground before he could drive it right into the ditch. Eduard stopped in front of him, and turned around, getting off the bicycle. The sound of metal hitting the dirt road was loud across the fields surrounding them. “I mean, seriously! The way all of you repress your feelings, or try to repress them and just treat relationships with such formality can get seriously ridiculous! I know you care and have feelings! I’ll say this, and you might not be happy to hear it, but never actually arguing is just as unhealthy as arguing all the time is! Arguments are part of interpersonal relationships! And I don’t mean the sort of arguments you always have with Orphe, I mean actual yelling and venting and actually expressing yourself! I love you all and you my very dearest friends, but seriously, the whole lot of you! It’s like raising your voice and actually being honest is going to kill you on the spot! What the hell is up with that!? It’s not going to kill you! It’s never saying a single damn shit about what you’re feeling even to your closest family that things are going to go straight to hell!” His voice lowered a little, so he wasn’t shouting. But the words were still heavy, sharp, yet somehow soft at the same time. “Quiet personalities and all that is fine, but it’s crucial to talk to people sometimes, or the relationships will end up breaking.”

Eduard’s breathing was hard and ragged once his words faltered. At the end, his voice almost sounded like it was about to crack. There was something in his voice and his expression that made Ludwig think that it wasn’t only him and his siblings current disagreement had angered him. It was anger with the whole aristocracy, and the way it operated, from the sounds of it. A frustration that lied deep within him. But the words still burned, even though he knew that, and he looked down. His gaze locked on Eduard’s brown hand that had wrapped around the bicycle’s stem, and it stayed there. He realized that his teeth were worrying at his lower lip, and he sucked his teeth back into his mouth. “It’s fine,” he said. “We’re fine. This is how we always have handled things.”

“But does that seriously feel good to you? Does it seriously feel as if it solves anything?” His hand clenched around the bicycle, and Ludwig noticed his knuckles pale. He found himself unable to look up and meet his eyes. “Because in my eyes, it looks like you’re just pushing it all down and out of sight, where it’ll fester and get worse. Maybe it feels like it’s solves things for a while but that’s not a way of dealing with things in the long run.”

Simply saying that it was fine, that they were alright with dealing things this way, would probably not convince him. But he didn’t know that he should say to make him calm down. It wasn’t like he had never seen Eduard angry before, it had simply never been directed toward him. Not to this degree.

Ludwig hated the feeling of uncertainty. He hated feeling weak. He hated not knowing what he should do. He hated feeling helpless. It made his hackles rise and it made him feel sick.

Ludwig’s eyes snapped up to meet Eduard’s. “What exactly do you want me to do?” His voice rose a little, and he forced it down to its normal level, not entirely successfully. “I don’t know how to do something like that---to talk about how I feel with them. It’s how we’re raised. It might be different to you because you weren’t born into this life. You weren’t born with the responsibility of a country on your shoulders.”

“Why does it have to be your responsibility? Because you’re the king’s nephew? Because you’re the oldest son? Because of some traditional shit-old bull-crap? The country isn’t your responsibility! It’s definitely not only your responsibility! It’s everyones! Not just a few peoples! Because a country isn’t a country without its people! All its people! I listen and I try to see things from all of your perspectives but sometimes I wonder if any of you actually remember that! A king, a government, nobility! All of that can be overturned if the people decide they want it overturned! It’s happened all over the place in history, you know that.” He pulls in another deep breath, not about to stop talking yet. The look in his eyes is strange. Angry, concerned, sad, from what Ludwig can see. But he’s uncertain. Any humans feelings were always a bit hard for him to grasp, be it those of others of himself. “What you should do? I don’t know. But I’m saying that it’s alright to get angry!”

“It’s not.”

“Why the hell not?”

“Because it’s how this world works.”

It’s how he needs to work.

They left the bicycles outside a bookshop, and Eduard asked the clerc where they might have books about motorbikes. Eduard’s skin felt tight, like he had bathed in salt water and it had dried on his skin, and his smile felt forced. He shouldn’t have blown up like that at Ludwig, but it was too late to do anything about it now. And Ludwig had made it obvious that he had no desire to continue the conversation. So what could he do? He was unwilling to play along with Ludwig’s way of dealing with things, but he couldn’t try to coax him into a shouting match in the middle of town either. He had been pretty close on the road back there, but then he became quiet. He knew how much Ludwig valued his and his family’s reputation. Though in all honesty, he probably shouldn’t even be friends with Eduard, considering how much he valued that stupid reputation. Anybody who was friends with him got criticized, he knew that much. Eduard could handle it, he had grown up hearing the whispers behind his back. Whispers that were meant to be heard, because they were designed to hurt. He had grown a thick skin when it came to those sort of things.

They discussed the potential differences between two very similar looking books, but the tone was subdued. Had he hurt him? Had he made things worse? He wondered if he had wrecked things but he was also a firm believer that sometimes, people needed to get angry. And in the first place, Eduard was a person who had a temper, and he suppressed it far more than people knew. Not that he wasn’t a cheerful and friendly person by nature, but there were just so many things about the aristocracy that just pissed him off. And it only started with the way they would look down on people that were of a lower class than them. Or even on people of the same class, but with a little fewer assets. The aristocracy was absolutely ridiculous - insane, in a way - and to be honest he wasn’t really interested in remaining as one. Honestly, there had been times that he wanted to run away from it all. Find his sister and just disappear. But he also was the type of person who hated breaking his promises, and he had promised Orphe. Even if his real dream was to travel the world and be free of the restrictions that the aristocracy tied every single person down with. Being a politician wasn’t anything he had ever wanted to be, before father. Not after, either. But he didn’t have any choice. Not because it had been made for him, like it seemed as if Ludwig might be thinking it had for him, but because he had already made his decision when he made his promise to Orphe.

But if everything had been wrecked between them and Ludwig didn’t want to deal with him any more, he would undoubtedly tell him. Because from a political viewpoint, he would benefit more from not being friends with him, than he would from being friends with him.

They had been through the few books on motorbikes that this shop sold, and had finished flipping through some other books on motor vehicles to see if they had anything on the subject. His fingers curled around the cover of another book. The English words on the front blurred and he rubbed a hand over his eyes. Crap. He really wasn’t looking to hurt Ludwig, he wanted to help him. How many shops had they been into now? God, doesn’t know what to do. Not that God had anything to do with it, if there was a God he didn’t give a crap, no matter what the clergy might think. God being a thing or not didn’t matter though, he wouldn’t do a single thing to make things easier for Ludwig either. But what could Eduard do? Right now he could talk like normal and wait until Ludwig would talk….if he would. Ludwig was a complicated person who probably needed things to at least appear normal, all while he stewed in feelings he never told anyone about.

Eduard slid the book back on the shelf, and glanced to the side. There were a few other people between them, but he could see Ludwig at the end of the bookshelf, reading the titles and adjusting them out of habit. He didn’t like disarray, so even though nobody had asked him to put them in order or make them line up with the backs in a flat line, he did it. He watched him run his fingers along the backs, to make sure the only reason they were uneven was because of the natural curve of each, caused by the binding. His gaze seemed vacant, like his mind wasn’t really in the task. It was just a thing his hands did, instead of resting idly by his sides. Thinking...he supposed. Had Ludwig always needed to do something with his hands while he thought. Not that Eduard knew of, but maybe there were times. Maybe he simply did it because even when he was out of it, he got irritated by the disorder. Eduard had seen him rearrange and sort books in the school library before. Or maybe it was proof of just how disturbed he had been by their conversation on the road.

Eduard’s nails scraped against the cover of another book he had pulled out, and he sighed. What the hell. What the fucking hell.

Ludwig didn’t like this. The heavy silence that pressed in on him made him feel heavy. Eduard appeared so closed off, even though he chatted on like normal, as they wandered down the busy street. The conversation on the road had changed something, and it didn’t feel good. No matter what he had said before, it wasn’t like Eduard was wrong. Sometimes feelings bled through, a trait that Ludwig must have inherited from mother, but after they had let the matter rest for a while, they, the people in his family, usually dealt with it the same way. Like business transactions. He had thought it was natural, but now it made him want to laugh. He felt bitter. His world had been turned upside down again, and only from a conversation during a bike ride. Sharp words could do just as much as a death could. He thought he had known that, but apparently he had been wrong. He glanced at Eduard, and was reminded of the conversation that they had had in the morning on the balcony.

Eduard had lived on the street, and he had not told them. Or had he told Orpherus? For how long had he lived there? Since after his birth mother’s death, most likely. Together with Erika. It was a strange thought, to think about Eduard on the street. His mind could go so far as to imagine Eduard working a normal job, but somehow he couldn’t imagine him how he had lived before he was taken in by his father. He hadn’t understood just how little he actually knew about Eduard. And considering how open and friendly Eduard was, that was strange to realize. He didn’t like it, for some reason. He didn’t understand why he disliked it that much, except he sort of did, but he didn’t like it and he didn’t want it to stay that way. And he didn’t want things to stay tense between them but for that, he realized, for that he would need a courage that he didn’t actually possess.

“Eduard,” Ludwig pressed out his friend’s name through a tight throat. Eduard glanced over at him, his gaze still so strangely distant. It took all his strength to force out the words. The confession. It reminded him of when his family had gone to church when he was still little, and he had learned what the confession booths were for. How it felt like he had been doused in water. His shoulders were so tense that they hurt. “I’m scared.” Eduard stopped, eyes wide with profound shock, as he properly turned his face toward Ludwig. The words tumbled out of Ludwig’s mouth, quiet and filled of the fear that he spoke of. He was unable to hide it. Fear was difficult, particularly when you felt it so intimately, so often, and it was so difficult to stop it when he was speaking of it. “I’m scared of being used, so many people all throughout my childhood and until today have tried to use me, to get close because of my family, because of my father’s status and because of my ties to His Majesty. I’m scared of people knowing who I truly am because it leaves me vulnerable and easy to get to, and I’m scared of that too. Ever since I first realized that everybody were just looking to use me and my position, rather than wanting to truly be someone I could trust without them gaining anything, I have been scared. Because that’s what people do. In this world, people use each other and only think of themselves, and they don’t care if they hurt someone to get what they want. And I don’t want to be used again. I’ve had enough of that. They use every scrap of emotion you show for their own gain. And I don’t know any other way to protect myself from that.”

Ludwig fell silent, and he couldn’t bear to look at Eduard. It wasn’t that he thought that Eduard would use what Ludwig had just told him against him, Eduard wasn’t that sort of person, but that fear he spoke of was always at least a little present, even with people that he trusted. When you get hurt, that hurt remains. Eduard was silent as well, for an unbearably long time. Then he reached out with a hand, and Ludwig flinched even though he tried not to. Eduard took his hand in his. When Ludwig finally glanced up, he saw that Eduard’s eyes were turned toward their hands. After some hesitation, Ludwig gripped Eduard’s hand in return, though it was awkward, because he was far from accustomed to holding hands with anybody. Much less with a man he was feeling some sort of sexual attraction toward.

“How do you..?” The end of the question is left unsaid, because he can’t get it fully out. He hoped that Eduard would understand. How do you protect yourself? Against everything. Against people and their opinions.

“My sins are my shield,” Eduard said, slowly. “Being born at all being my greatest of them all.” Ludwig could feel how tense his shoulders were through his hand. “A bastard and a mongrel, in a time where both are spit upon and one is pretty much illegal.” His fingers tensed around Ludwig’s hand. “My grandma was a former slave. From Africa, in the British colonies.” That explained the ‘illegal’ part. Interracial marriages were prohibited by law, even in Kuchen. “Even before father found us, I heard a lot of insults regarding my parents marital status. It hurt, and I was jealous of the kids whose parents were properly married, and of the kids who had always had their dad with them. I was angry. A lot. And I got into a lot of fights with other kids, often with older kids. I got pretty good at it too, though mom was upset with me every time she found out, so I got good at hiding that I had been fighting at all, too.” He licked his lips to wet them, and continued. “But being angry all the time didn’t feel good, so I tried to not get angry at all. It didn’t really work out very well. But eventually I realized that life is too short to be angry all the time, and I also realized that life was too short to go around suppressing everything, too. Basically I got into a big fight that I got badly hurt in, and that’s how I realized it. Because I had been trying to suppress the anger and then had blown up, and gotten into that fight. That’s why I think that it’s unhealthy to fight all the time and just as unhealthy to not fight at all. With the age difference between you and your siblings a fist fight isn’t really an option, but me and Erika sure could get into those when we were angry with each other. But at least siblings from low-class and common families get into fistfights, which I’m sure you nobles find barbaric.” He sent Ludwig a glance, and Ludwig nodded slowly. Indeed, he did find it barbaric, and so would the rest of them too, undoubtedly. Uneducated plebs, they would say. “Right, anyway, do you see where I’m coming from with it? Maybe you’re too good for fistfights or whatever, but this suppressing everything will shorten your lifespans.”

Ludwig was about to lay out an argument that he had not even fully formed yet, but then it hit him. It was like being slapped in the face. Worse than that. He stopped walking and his vision spun, and his hand clenched around Eduard’s. He heard Eduard’s voice saying his name, and he felt his other hand on his shoulder. If he had been even the slightest bit religious, this would have been what he would pray for not to be true. He was glad that the crowd gave them an anonymity they wouldn’t have in the academy town or at the mansion, when he leaned heavily against Eduard. A quiet, bitter, foul-tasting laugh rolled off his tongue, was muffled when he pressed his face into Eduard’s shoulder. And he let out a long string of curses, ugly for an aristocrat but probably not shocking in themselves to common stock like Eduard. Except that the words came from Ludwig, who had never sworn in his life. He felt his eyes burn, and he rubbed them against Eduard’s jacket. Crying? Inconceivable. He couldn’t allow himself tears. If he allowed even one tear to escape, then what if he was unable to stop?

Another fear. The one where he shows his emotions too much and he’s unable to hide behind his mask again, forever, no matter how hard he tried.

But his shoulders shook, and he felt Eduard’s arm around him, a solid feeling at his lower back. It made it possible for him to pull himself together enough to at least stop himself from laughing for minutes more, but he had to remain still in his embrace for a long time, before he was sure that no tears would fall. ‘It’s crucial to talk to people sometimes, or the relationships will end up breaking,’ Eduard had said before, but it was true about people, too. He knew that now. All too well. People break without the use of words, too. Just as much as they can break from the use of them.

“Mother,” he said into Eduard’s shoulder, as he told himself to speak because if he didn’t, he wouldn’t last. “Mother’s lifespan was shortened. After uncle’s treason, she didn’t have anyone to talk to because she couldn’t talk to any of us. Because we don’t talk.” He realized that his hand must have found the back of Eduard’s jacket at some point, when his fingers tensed around the fabric. “She was broken, and none of us noticed how badly. It’s our fault that she died.” Was that his voice? He didn’t know it could be so quiet.

“It’s not your fault,” Eduard said softly. His voice was so close to Ludwig’s ear that he could feel his breath against his skin. “Yes it is,” Ludwig argued, his words pressing all the oxygen out of his lungs. He gasped for air for a few moments, and bit into Eduard’s jacket to stop himself from starting to hyperventilate. He heard Eduard make a slightly pained noise, and realized that he must have bit him, too. “Sorry.” He felt Eduard’s head move as he shook it. “It’s alright, don’t worry. I’m not all that against being bitten anyway.” Ludwig froze momentarily, despite himself. But surely there were no implications or innuendos hidden in the words. Not when Eduard said them. “How can you say it’s not?” he asked. It had to be their fault, because they didn’t notice enough. Because they didn’t talk to her about it, because they didn’t listen to her. “When it’s so obvious that it was our fault.”

Eduard released Ludwig’s hand, and Ludwig felt it bury in his hair. His head was gently but firmly pulled back from Eduard’s shoulder, so that Eduard could meet his gaze. “That’s not true.” Ludwig stared into Eduard’s clear green eyes. Full of honesty. “Even if it feels like it’s true, it’s not your fault.”

“Despite what you’ve said already,” Ludwig asked, though he couldn’t manage to get himself to intone it like a question. He needed more energy for that.

“Despite what I’ve said already. She wouldn’t want you to blame yourself. Right? I didn’t know your mother well, but I know that she was incredibly kind and caring. At least that’s how she appeared to me.”

Ludwig was silent for a long time, neck strained and back tense.

“Let go of me,” Ludwig eventually said, quietly. Normal people would have made it sound pleading with that tone of voice, but Ludwig only sounded tired. Eduard did as he asked, and Ludwig took a step back. “I’m hungry,” he said. “Let’s find something to eat.”

“Lui--”

By raising a hand, Ludwig cut him off, before he could really say anything. “Eduard please I… I need to think. Give me some time.” Then, he almost did sound like he was pleading.

The garrapinyade crunched between his teeth as he bit through it. Eduard licked some sugar from his lips while he was chewing on the almond. He kept glancing at Ludwig, and Ludwig kept staring down at his feet.

They were sitting on a bench, a bag of the food between them, and the celebration was lively around them. And the wedding wasn’t yet for another few days. But Eduard remembered it well, the desire to celebrate whenever there was a chance for it. He loved celebrations, too, they were always fun. At least, the ones where you weren’t stuck in a stiff banquet hall with people who sent you the stink eye and whispered behind your back.

“This is good,” he heard Ludwig murmur, and he glanced back at him. For once, he wasn’t wearing his gloves. He didn’t want to dirty them with stains from the sugar. “What did you say it was called?”

“Garrapinyades,” Eduard said. Ludwig nodded. He shook his head when Eduard asked him if he’d had any before. Another nobility thing. He remembered that Orphe, and Augusta, had been unfamiliar with them as well. There were so many things that were different. He had already known that but things were even more different for someone with such a high rank as Ludwig. He was high up in the line to the throne - even higher since Ludwig’s other uncle’s treason, which didn’t only remove him from the line, but his sons too. Something like that would be an immense pressure on anyone, and Ludwig didn’t actually have a good coping mechanism to deal with that insane pressure and all those idiotic expectations. Eduard’s gaze wandered over the crowd as he thought, ears filled with the sounds of the celebrations and the faint rustling of paper when Ludwig took another almond from the bag. A number of different scents filled his nostrils, and several were scents some of the others had been unfamiliar with.

“Oh. Have you ever had feuerwurst at a market?” Eduard asked Ludwig. Ludwig turned his gaze toward him, slowly moving it from his lap. He shook his head. “I haven’t.” The slight shift in his frown made Eduard wonder if he had ever had feuerwurst at all. He hadn’t experienced super spicy food at any aristocrat’s table over the years, so maybe not. The burn of spicy food could make someone appear pretty undignified, which was likely the reason.

“Alright.” Eduard got to his feet. “Then I’ll go buy some. They’re really good. Wait here.” Ludwig looked a little lost, but Eduard gave him a reassuring smile. “Be right back.”

He’d have to get something to wash down the taste of the garrapinyades too though, otherwise the taste of the wurst would become a little strange. Though it could make for an amusing expression. Well, there were a lot of different beverages for sale too, so he would be able to find something.

When Camus arrived at Ludwig’s home, he was surprised to hear that both Ludwig and Eduard were still asleep. Less surprised about Eduard, perhaps, since he knew that Eduard liked to sleep, but Ludwig was always up so incredibly early in the morning. But it was alright, really. Even Ludwig deserved to sleep in once in a while, or for the first time ever.

Camus assured the maid that it was alright, that he could go and wake them up. It was no trouble at all, he actually thought it was a novelty since it was such a rare thing. So he found his way through the labyrinth that was his cousin's’ home, until he stood outside Ludwig’s door. He knocked, but surprisingly, he got no reply. He knocked and waited a few more times, but eventually he decided to enter anyway. He had entered Ludwig’s room without permission in the past, and though Ludwig might not remember it, Camus had a key to the door.

When he saw his cousin still in bed, he didn’t say a word. Because he wasn’t alone. Eduard was there too, his hand clasping Ludwig’s. They were both dressed and not even in night wear, so they must have gone to bed without getting changed, and they looked like they had been sleeping for a long time, judging by the state of the sheets and their clothes. It was sort of a fresh feeling, seeing Ludwig share a bed with a friend, and holding hands with him, too. But they looked so tired.

Walking over to the bed, Camus leaned over to pat Eduard on the shoulder, and after a few tries, Eduard opened his eyes. It seemed like he was unable to focus right away, and he was still half-asleep when he mumbled “morning, Camus,” which made Ludwig slowly blink, and open his eyes. Ludwig was, unlike Eduard, instantly reacting to Camus’ presence. He sat up, and when he realized he was holding hands with Eduard, he pulled his hand free. He looked awkward, but even more than that, he looked utterly exhausted.

“Good morning, Ed, Lui. This is a rare thing to see.”

Chapter Text

Ludwig wasn’t sure how he was able to keep his hands steady, but it was unmistakable that he was able to to do. The tea in his cup did not ripple in any way that indicated shivering hands.

The sound of rain on the gazebos roof was loud in his ears, but so was the unending chatter of his younger siblings, as they tried to talk over each other in their excitement over Camus’ visit. Ludwig’s cousin may visit more often than his other friends, but he still didn’t visit often enough for them to not get very happy to see him.

They hadn’t really had the time to discuss the situation that Camus had found Ludwig and Eduard in, but at least Ludwig knew that Camus wouldn’t go around telling people, not even Kilian and Elise, about it.

Eventually though, both Elise and Kilian calmed down, Kilian dragging Eduard off to do something, and Elise retreating indoors to one of the books that Ludwig and Eduard had brought back the previous evening.

The previous evening… Ludwig wanted to bury his face in his hands and not remember it at all.

Talking to Eduard could be incredibly frustrating, because sometimes he could say things that would turn your entire world, everything you thought, upside down or sideways. Though that was not a very common experience to him. He likes the lad a lot, he means a lot to him and he trusts him more than he does most people. Otherwise he wouldn’t have done or said...what he did and said yesterday. While it had been distressing, he did feel a little better this morning. A little heavy in the head, but strangely enough he, in some ways, also felt a little bit lighter.

But because both of Ludwig’s siblings and Eduard all had left, this finally left Ludwig alone with Camus.

“Lui,” Camus’ soft voice snapped Ludwig out of his thoughts. He was smiling. “I’m glad. I don’t think I need to worry any more.”

Ludwig took a sip of his tea, and put down the cup on the saucer. “There is never any need for you to worry about me.”

“You’re doing that again.” Camus’ voice was petulant, unbecoming but not unfamiliar. “I’ll always worry and you know that. But now I know that you’ll be fine, with this.”

Ludwig shook his head. “I’m not so sure.” He was still weighed down by a guilt he had only recently found on his shoulders. While some things were lighter, other things were heavier.

“Yes.” Camus shook his head. His smile was wider, brilliant the way one of his flowers in bloom were brilliant. “But I’m sure.”

Then Camus’ face took on a surprised look. His gaze was fixed somewhere above Ludwig’s right shoulder, and Ludwig turned in his seat to see what his cousin was looking at. Only to be met by the strangest type of roar and a very big animal nose. He felt as if his heart had come up into his throat.

Ludwig flew to his feet, fully turning and then seeing that his younger siblings both were sitting on top of the unexpected beast. Elise looked like she was about to start laughing, Kilian wasn’t even trying to stop himself. On the ground beside them, Eduard, holding the halter - a simple rope - attached to the beast’s neck, was laughing just as much as Kilian. Ludwig could even hear Camus make sounds that implied that he was trying not to laugh.

“What,” Ludwig pressed out, “are you doing?” His heart was racing, as startled as he had been.

“Brother, we made a zebra!” Kilian said happily. Elise, sitting behind him on top of the beast, corrected him, saying “found,” though both children were certainly wrong. Ludwig looked over at Eduard, searching for an explanation, but the only sensible thing Eduard got past his lips was “your face is priceless. Amazing.” He was laughing too much to be of any use.

Ludwig stepped out of the gazebo and into the rain, though thankfully it was only a drizzle at the moment. He caught a glimpse of Camus, who looked incredibly amused with the situation, sipping tea as if nothing about the situation was strange. Once he got more than a look of the beast’s nose, Ludwig saw that it was a cow. “Why have you painted stripes on the cow?” he first asked, then added, “why is there a cow in our garden?”

“It’s not a cow, it’s a zebra!” Kilian protested. Even though it was clearly a cow.

Ludwig looked between his two younger siblings. They certainly seemed to be enjoying themselves. However, “Eduard, don’t teach my younger siblings how to prank people. And don’t ride cows.” Ludwig didn’t approve, because it was unbecoming and people would talk, if they heard about it. But Eduard simply turned his green eyes toward Ludwig. He had finally calmed his laughter and caught his breath, and his face was a picture of innocence. “Why not?”

“Because it is not done. Please return the cow from where you took it.”

Kilian once more protested that it was a zebra, but Ludwig ignored that statement, as it was entirely untrue. ”Not done, huh?” Eduard raised an eyebrow, then Ludwig thought he saw a mischievous glint in his eyes. Ludwig was certain that he saw Eduard wink at Camus, though. In two long strides, he had stepped up to Ludwig, who, entirely caught off guard, was lifted and put on the cow’s back behind Elise.

“Eduard!”

The cow was clearly used to loud shouts, or simply very docile, because she didn’t react to Ludwig’s protest. Or to the children’s laughter, for that matter. Ludwig felt one of Eduard’s hands on his lower back, warm and comforting in the chilly air. When Ludwig looked down at his face, he saw him look over to Camus. “You want a ride too, Camus?” Camus was suppressing laughter, Ludwig could see it clearly on his face when he looked over at him. “I don’t think I’ll fit,” he said, but he was coming over to pat the cow. The cow licked his hand with its long tongue. “But I’ll come with you.”

Ludwig missed the feeling of Eduard’s hand once he removed it from his back. It really had been strangely comforting, and calming.

Marin had sent her card around, and had shown up alongside it in poofy skirts and hair done high. The visit had been unexpected, and Augusta had not been at the manor at the time. She had been out in the pen, jumping obstacles on Emmeline’s back. She had not known that Marin was there until she spotted her classmate sit at the side of the pen, under a roof constructed to cover a few seats and space for tools. Marin delicately had her hands folded in her lap, and she was watching Augusta steer the horse between the obstacles with the interest of someone who wasn’t actually invested in the sport, but accepted and encouraged those who did enjoy it.

Once completing the course in its entirety, Augusta took a lap around the pen in a slow trot, eventually turning it into short pace, and finally stopping in front of the overhang Marin sat under. Marin clasped her hands in front of her, and her eyes were sparkling. “You are so elegant when you ride, Augusta!” she declared, and continued. “Even when you jump! I would simply fall off if I tried that!”

“Side saddle does make it a bit more difficult to jump,” Augusta said, though she had practice with jumping in side saddle as well. Sometimes a lady had to ride in a dress, and hers were not always convenient for straddling a horse back. “Perhaps you should try sitting astride once?”

Marin looked shocked, though Augusta thought, to her surprise, that she saw a gleam of interest in her eyes as well. “But I would ruin my dress,” she said. Her dress certainly was the puffiest dress Augusta had ever considered putting upon the back of a horse. She shook her head. “If one drapes the skirts over the rump, it would be no trouble at all.” Marin giggled, a little nervously. “Well, if you insist..” She agreed to it surprisingly quickly, Augusta thought.

Augusta dismounted Emmeline, easily landing on the sand. She let Emmeline rest where she was without tying her to a pole, as she couldn’t leave the pen without catching high speed for a jump anyway. Augusta stepped up to the fence, offering Marin a hand. Marin once again giggled nervously, as she stepped up to take Augusta’s hand. Surprisingly, Marin didn’t object to trying to climb over the fence, rather than going for the gate a few meters down. In her quest, Marin showed a scandalous amount of leg. She also let out a squeal when Augusta lifted her down from the fence, and she clutched to Augusta’s shoulders even after she was standing safely on the ground again.

Once Marin had calmed her heart, Augusta led her over to Emmeline and introduced the two to each other. Marin petted Emmeline’s muzzle, and Emmeline blew hot air through her nostrils in Marin’s face. It caused Marin to let out another startled squeak. Emmeline seemed more amused than unsettled by the sounds. Equally amused, Augusta showed Marin how to mount a horse with the intention of sitting astride, and a few minutes later, Marin sat with the straightest back and the stillest that Augusta had ever seen her with. It was as if she thought that she was going to fall off if she moved even a single muscle.

“You can relax, Marin,” Augusta assured her. Marin let out a nervous laugh.

Yet when she eventually did relax, she seemed more at ease on top of the horse than Augusta had expected her to. She painted a pretty picture, on top of the powerful horse.

“Do you ride more than you actually have to?” She referred to the school curriculum, where everyone were required to learn how to ride a horse. They may not be required to perfect the art, but Marin always tried to avoid it as much as possible, only doing the barest minimum of required horseback riding.

“I just,” Marin seemed a little taken off guard. “It’s easier to relax when there are no people or teachers watching,” she explained. A small frown creased Augusta’s brow, and Marin giggled nervously. Without realizing it, she nibbled at her lower lip. “I, like girls,” Marin said. But then she quickly added, “I like boys too, they’re cute. I know I need to marry one, too, and I have some ideas about that that I need to talk to someone about but, I think girls are softer. Not that you’re soft, I mean, not that you’re unkind, but I mean, girls bodies are softer and nicer, and, um, well.” Augusta blinked at her, slowly. Trying to grasp exactly what Marin was trying to say to her. Marin looked at her hands, fingers twisting the reins. Her cheeks were red. She was good at blushing, she did it prettily, unlike Augusta. “If he says no to my idea I need to leave my options open and, that is, most boys are afraid of clever women, they prefer if girls don’t have any brains at all, so I, pretend I don’t have any. It would make things easier if I have to hide a lover from my husband in the future too. He wouldn’t think a brainless girl capable of hiding away a lover, right? Boys generally don’t expect girls to be clever or outspoken like you, and I have, um, decided to use that to my advantage.”

“Wait, wait, Marin, please, I can’t keep up.” Technically, she understood what her friend was saying, but this completely threw her off and altered her whole perspective of Marin, so it was a little difficult to grasp when it was so sudden. “Please, won’t you take it from the beginning, so I can understand?”

Clutching the reins in her hands, Marin nodded.

A wedding was a joyous occasion, there was no doubt about that. And a royal wedding excited the whole country. People loved gossip, after all, and then particularly gossip about their neighbours and the upper crust. And the royal family was the upperest of upper crusts, which made them the favorite subject of gossip among the citizens of a monarchy.

Eduard already had heard a lot of gossip even before becoming a Braunschweig, though he only remembered bits and pieces of it. He had had more important things on his mind at the time, after all. But he knew that some people would hope for something to go wrong, for a scandal to reach their ears. And, even better, to hear gossip that didn’t show up in the paper because somebody covered it up. Juicy gossip was the best kind of gossip, and gossip was, at least to a common man, much more fun than an education. Though not exactly as useful, unless one were lucky.

Because of people’s love for gossip, Eduard already had heard a lot of discussion about who would be invited and who was in disgrace and couldn’t show up. He had heard a fair bit from his older sisters, for one.

From his vantage point behind the door leading up to the clock tower, he could see people mill about as they had servants take care of their coats, and saw them disappear into the church to find their seats. There were nobles and foreign royalty and dignitaries of abundance. Due to the guest list, most people would have seats assigned to them. Eduard had become uneasy when he had realized that as the only guest of Ludwig’s family, he would sit with them. That wasn’t the thing that made him uneasy though. What made him uneasy was that, as Ludwig’s family was so closely related to the bride, they would sit so close to the front. It was a daunting thought to him, as he was far from fond of formal situations. But he had agreed to come, and he was a man of his word. He would not flee to the back of the church, even if his instincts told him to go hide in the shadows.

Which was one of the reasons why he was looking through the crack of an old wooden door, instead of already sitting in his seat.

The other reason was the siblings. It had started with Ludwig wanting to run away just as much as Eduard, and then came the need to let Kilian tire himself at least somewhat, and Elise wanting some peace and quiet to read the small book that she had hidden in her coat pocket. Thus, the four of them had retreated to the belltower. Ludwig was sitting on the uneven stone steps a little ways out of sight, leaning against a wall. Elise sat a bit below him, one of her feet visible when Eduard looked over his shoulder. Kilian was counting the steps that created the steep path up toward the heavy bell, and his voice echoed in the tower.

Eduard moved away from the door, but didn’t fully close it, leaving a tiny crack open. He made his way up the steps, passed Elise who was entirely absorbed by her book, and he sat down beside Ludwig. Ludwig opened his eyes, pulled a pocket watch from his fancy suit, and looked at the time. “We arrived far too early,” was his opinion. There had been no need to show up yet, but they were there and going back and returning later was not only rude, it was impractical.

Ludwig was the least happy out of all of them to attend this wedding, but out of all his siblings - one of which whom were excited and the other indifferent - he was the only one who could not skip it. The oldest son of the king’s brother-in-law skipping out on his cousin’s wedding to a foreign prince was unacceptable and would cause scandal. And Eduard knew how much Ludwig disliked scandals, or being in the criticising purview of the public eye.

Once Ludwig had replaced his watch, one of the fanciest pieces Eduard had ever seen, Eduard brushed his hand against Ludwig, the back of Eduard’s hand against the back of Ludwig’s, and Ludwig shifted his gaze to meet Eduard’s. He said not a word, only looked at him. Eduard thought about the day before yesterday. About the conversations and the yelling. He shouldn’t have yelled at him, but as he had said, he had more of a temper than people knew. Apparently it was a trait he had inherited from his grandmother, his mother’s beloved, strong, stubborn mother. You’re like her in all sorts of ways his mother had said once, and he had taken that as a compliment, because that was what it was. But some of those ways, you couldn’t simply tell just anyone. Because of some ridiculous rulings that never should have been made into law in the first place.

When Eduard watched the bride and groom, both radiant and beautiful in their expensive clothes, he couldn’t help but thinking of how different things were in this world. The world of royalty was one he only knew from hearsay--and what he had experienced in terms of a few meetings with the King, Ludwig’s other uncle, and Ludwig’s mother and closest family. When you really thought about it, because Eduard didn’t really think about royalty or such, Ludwig was high up in the succession to the throne. And no offense to his dear friend, but Eduard couldn’t see Ludwig as king. Strahl was one thing, king a whole other one.

He looked away from the couple swearing their eternal loyalty to each other with God (and all the guests) bearing witness to it. Eduard felt a touch against the back of his hand. Ludwig’s knuckles were brushing against Eduard’s skin. Blue veins were visible through paper-thin-looking, pale skin. Eduard glanced up at Ludwig’s face, but Ludwig was looking straight ahead at the couple and the priest. A barely detectable hint of unease was on his face, in the set of his lips and in his brow. Quietly, Eduard laced his fingers with Ludwig’s, and he felt nails dig into his skin. What part of a wedding ceremony was it that upset him to such an extent? Eduard wanted to ask, but it was not the time, nor the place, for that.

Eduard didn’t really know anyone at the reception. He has met the king, but he is in no position to talk to him. He knows Ludwig’s family, but they have obligations to fulfill. He feels like he stands out like a sore thumb, in his finest suit which was not nearly as fine as the clothing everyone else wore, and as the only person with dark skin in the room. There was a princess of Spain who was tanned almost half as much as he was, but that was it. Not that he wasn’t used to standing out at parties filled with people with pasty white skin and upturned noses. But this was a royal wedding party, which made it immensely more awkward for him. It made him wonder again just why Ludwig had asked him to come, even though he was so averse to things that would cause scandal. Did he mean that much to him, despite everything that he was? Actually - Eduard smiled to himself - that makes me happy.

“Lord Braunschweig?” a feminine voice said, and Eduard almost jumped out of his skin. Being approached and called Lord Braunschweig was a strange and unexpected experience. He turned to face a woman, potentially in her early thirties or late twenties. Eduard thought that he could see a hint of covered freckles on her face, and she had red-brown hair much like his. He had seen her in the opposite side of the aisle, which meant that she was a guest of the groom, but beyond that she was entirely unfamiliar. She offered him his hand and he bent over it as was polite. “It is a pleasure, Lady..?”

“Lady Iseabail, Countess of Stow-on-the-Wold, Maid of Lochranza,” she said. A British lady, then, judging by the peculiar place name, the wife of an Earl. Her given name and the second title… Scottish? She had no trace of an accent in her English. “I apologize for catching you off guard, Lord Braunschweig, but I have heard about you from my cousin.”

If she had caught him off guard before, she caught him by surprise with those words. “From your cousin, Countess-” She holds up a hand to stop him from using her title. “Call me Lady Iseabail, do,” she said. “I mean Ludwig,” she said. Eduard blinked, looked at her in stunned silence. He was unaware that Ludwig had a cousin in Britain. And with such a different air from him about her. But when he thought about it, she carried herself with the same poise and grace. He had attributed that to her status. “Well, I call him cousin, but he is really my third cousin. My grandmother came from Scotland to Kuchen to marry his great-grandfather, and we have met on occasion over the years. Actually, he stayed for some time after my marriage a few years and we have been exchanging letters, though he is terrible at it. But he did mention in his last correspondence that an important friend of his would attend with him, and I saw you with him at the church, so I assumed it was you. I learned your name when I asked around, and I decided to take Ludwig’s mentioning of you as intent to see us introduced to each other. I heard some interesting things about you.” She was a chatty person, though she had only revealed some information he mostly would have been able to learn through the gossip mill. He tensed a little when she mentioned that she had heard things about him. “Indeed, Lady Iseabail? May I ask, if it is not too presumptuous of me, how it comes that you are attending as a guest of the groom, if you are a relative of our king?”

She chuckled, clearly not at all offended by his boldness. “Of course, that may seem peculiar. I am a friend of the prince, we have known each other since we were small. He was the one who introduced me to my husband, and I was the one who introduced him to his wife. We are each other’s match making angels.”

“Match making...angels… Lady Iseabail?”

“It is a lovely term to use, don’t you think? Can you imagine that Ludwig was the one to suggest it to me? When I married.”

“Really?” Eduard was intrigued. That was an unexpected tidbit. He would never have expected that of Ludwig.

He probably spent far too long talking to Lady Iseabail, but he found her an intriguing conversation partner. When she got animated, the Scottish accent became prevalent in her speech. She was raised in the Highlands, on an island, and was very passionate about swimming. And she was a practiced equestrian, as well. An interesting woman indeed.

But eventually she had gone to speak to her friend the newly wedded prince, and Eduard searched for Ludwig and his siblings among the crowd. As he could not find them, he decided to step outside, and he found Ludwig sitting on the steps to the church, while Kilian and Elise were picking chestnuts off of the ground. They piled them in front of their brother, on either side of him.

“They’re competing,” Ludwig explained. “To see who can find the most of them in a certain amount of time.”

“What happens when the time runs out?” Eduard asked, and Ludwig shrugged. “It has not come to that yet.”

They watched Elise and Kilian in silence for several minutes. The cold night wind found collars and sleeves, and caused goosebumps on Eduard’s skin. Even more minutes later, the children sat down on either side of the heirs, and counted. “I win!” Elise shouted, after counting 109 chestnuts in her pile, and 107 in Kilian’s. She puffed air in a cheek, shifted it to the other, when Kilian turned his big eyes up at her. “Brother, can we bring them home?”

“If you have an inconspicuous way of doing it,” Ludwig said.

Elise was seemingly pleased by this answer. She started shoving chestnuts in her coat pockets, and then she helped filling Kilian’s pockets. It was not at all inconspicuous. Eduard sucked his lips into his mouth and snorted, amused by the sight. This made the children turn their attention to him and their brother. “Your pockets, too,” Elise declared.

“Absolutely not,” Ludwig said, at the same time as Eduard said “Sure.” Ludwig sent Eduard a glare. “Did I not tell you not to encourage their mischief?”

“This is mischief?” Eduard asked. He didn’t point out that Kilian had gotten a mischievous glint in his eyes when Ludwig mentioned the implied that Eduard had been playing with them before, with just one simple word. They probably wouldn’t leave the party without at least one actual prank, now.

“Either way,” Eduard patted Ludwig’s leg in an absent gesture. “You guys are looking a little blue around the edges, so it’s probably time for you to go back inside.

Which all three Liechtenstein siblings agreed to.

Once they returned inside, they spotted the bride and groom sneaking away out of the reception hall, and Lady Iseabail in the doorway. The Countess winked at them, and Kilian dragged Elise with him toward her. This caused the lady to turn her attention to her little cousins. Ludwig didn’t seem to care much about that, instead focusing on the bridal couple.

From Eduard’s point of view, it looked like they were sneaking off to have some alone time, and Lady Iseabail was helping them out. It was a political marriage, but it seemed as if the princess and the prince were genuinely fond of each other, despite that. They were lucky, and explained why match making angel might be a suitable term.

“Ludwig,” said Lady Iseabail, “Lord Braunschweig.”

Ludwig scowled, looking between cousin and friend. “When did this happen.” His gaze turned suspicious, and turned fully toward Lady Iseabail. “Why did this happen?”

Lady Iseabail smiles an innocent smile at Ludwig. “If you call someone other than Camus a friend, cousin dear, I will want to meet that person.” Ludwig huffed. “The bairns here want to catch up with me, so I’ll take care of them for you. But I expect to meet you again before I return to England. It has been too long since we last spoke in person and you are ridiculous about letters.” If Ludwig had been the type, he might have sputtered at an accusation like that. Instead, he only acknowledge the part about his siblings. “Very well, I will leave them to you for a while.” He didn’t even bother making the proper greetings before turning away.

“That boy is hopeless,” Lady Iseabail said with fondness. She then winked at Eduard. And left without any parting words, dragged off by Kilian and Elise. Eduard watched them go with amusement; it seemed she might be the type to have been involved in a prank or two growing up, and as if she was not opposed to being involved in two children’s prank at the age of 28.

Eduard followed Ludwig, who retreated to an empty sitting room. The music from the ballroom could be heard through the half open door. Ludwig had sat down on one of the plush couches.

“Have you danced any, Lui?” Eduard asked. He watched his friend’s face. He looked tired.

Ludwig nodded. “Particularly with the young ladies without husbands,” he said.

“Then, as a last dance, wanna dance with me?”

Ludwig looked up at Eduard, and Eduard smiled at him. Ludwig pursed his lips in thought, though as usual, it was a barely noticeable expression. He sighed. “Very well. Only for the duration of this song.”

“Not an entire set?”

“Not an entire set.”

"May I have this dance, My Lord?" Ed curtsied, pretending to lift invisible skirts. The corner of Ludwig's mouth twitched, and Ed grinned at his friend.

Eduard then offered him his hand, and Ludwig blinked at it a few times before taking it and allowing Eduard to help him to his feet. He blinked further and looked down at their bodies when Eduard positioned his other hand on Ludwig’s shoulder. After a few moments, Ludwig put his free hand on Eduard’s waist. Despite the roles the positions assigned them, Eduard lead Ludwig through the room.

But then Ludwig huffed, and took over leading, as he was supposed to. “You are a terrible dancer,” he said. “I’m really that bad?” Eduard asked. He might just be bad at dancing the woman’s part. Ludwig let out a sigh, but Eduard could see a slight smile on his lips. “I’ve danced with worse though.” Eduard snickered, imagining the storm hidden under Ludwig’s expression when he danced with young ladies that kept stepping on his toes. “The things one’s gotta enjoy for the sake of propriety?”

“That sounds about right,” Ludwig agreed.

“By the way, your cousin is interesting,” Eduard pointed out. Ludwig shook his head, and shrugged. “She is very outspoken.” Eduard wasn’t sure if that was a compliment or not, coming from Ludwig and being directed at Lady Iseabail. “She sure is.”

“And you met?”

“Just tonight. Now I’m wildly imagining you having a whole clan of relatives you haven’t told us about hidden away in all sorts of corners of the world.”

Ludwig shook his head. “I wish I could tell you that you are wrong in doing so, but there are some odd characters in my family tree.”

“Yeah? What sort of characters?”

“If I told you that,” Ludwig smirked at him. “I would have to hit you atop the head with the pommel of my sword.”

Eduard grinned, barely able to contain his laughter. “Wow, such harshness, such secrecy, I’m wounded.”

“If I didn’t support you, I’m sure you would collapse in a dead faint.” Ludwig nodded. His expression was one of pretend seriousness, and Eduard was stunned by it. He snapped his mouth shut when Ludwig raised a curious eyebrow at him. “What?”

“No, that, well, you.” Eduard waffled for words for a few seconds. “I haven’t seen that sort of expression on your face before.”

“Was it that bad?” Ludwig scowled, an expression of thought on his face. As if he wondered how he messed up the expression, if he messed it up.

“No,” Eduard shook his head.He smiled. “I was just surprised.”

“I can’t exactly say that you are inexperienced to such a feeling. Or at least that is---”

He cut himself off just as abruptly as he stopped dancing. Eduard, not expecting it, crashed into Ludwig’s chest, and he took a step back. Ludwig was staring at something behind Eduard, and Eduard turned around the see what it was.

Then he fell into a deep bow.

“Your Majesty.”

Chapter Text

They bolted apart as if struck by lightning. As if they had been walked in on doing something they shouldn’t by the most powerful person in the country would have been a pretty apt analogy that might have been funny—if it hadn’t been more or less true. Eduard bowed respectfully even as he tried to control thoughts that might lead to something that could make him laugh. This had suddenly turned into an uncomfortable situation, and he already wasn’t good with these sort of settings. Treating his nervosity as a joke was much easier, and sometimes was out of his control. It wasn’t until after the words “your majesty” had passed his lips that he noticed that Ludwig stood as if petrified right where he had ended up as a result of them springing apart. Eduard’s gaze was one of confusion, directed toward Ludwig, because it was such an unexpected reaction. Or, in a way, it was a lack of reaction at all.

The king did not seem insulted by the lack of one. Maybe being Ludwig’s uncle, he knew that it wasn’t out of disrespect that Ludwig wasn’t greeting him as was his due as king. Ludwig would never intentionally be disrespectful toward the king. At least it was only the king and no one else, though Eduard had to assume that there was someone acting as guard - a soldier, or a Strahl - somewhere nearby. Not that it helped, but Ludwig would want as few witnesses to his unusual behaviour as possible.

“Good evening, Ludwig, Lord Braunschweig. I hope that you are having an enjoyable evening.”

Eduard hadn’t expected the king to remember his name. After all, he was hardly an important person, even if a bastard being named heir to a marquis was a remarkable thing. But that was really all there was to him, and the king had an uncountable number of people’s names he would need to remember before he would need to remember Eduard’s.

Was Ludwig even blinking? Eduard couldn’t tell from this angle. He was definitely pale. More green than blue ‘around the edges’, if one were to use Eduard’s previous analogy.

Eduard had only briefly met the king before, it wasn’t enough to make him comfortable to speak with him without an actual errand or official audience. He became self-conscious, and any situation where the king was involved became formal, and Eduard really never liked formalities, even when his mom had been alive. He could already feel cold sweat at the back of his neck. Basically, he really could have used a working Ludwig right about now, but it was as if he was a wind-up toy that needed to have his clockwork motor winded back to put him into movement again.

Which meant that until Ludwig came back to himself, however that happened, Eduard was on his own. Which was a weird thought because Ludwig was right there. Eduard really really didn’t like these kind of situations. “Yes, your majesty. It is a very pleasant party.”

Eduard very much doubted that the king’s silence was because he didn’t know what to say, he was a very collected and level headed person, but he was probably disconcerted by his nephew’s current….mood. Eduard certainly was, though even more so, he was worried. But the regal air of sophistication around the king didn’t change one bit.

“Perhaps some fresh air would be of use,” the king suggested. With the way he was watching them, Eduard wondered if he knew that they had been outside just before, and if he knew things that Eduard didn’t. He must at least understand that it was hard for Ludwig to be here, so soon after his mother’s funeral….right? Logically it must be hard for the king as well, as he had lost a sister when Ludwig had lost a mother. But he was king and had to think of the country first and foremost. As Ludwig seemed to be convinced that he had to do as well. Even if it was at the cost of his own happiness. Really, very little good came out of being part of the aristocracy.

The king’s words also meant that they could leave if they wished; it was an opportunity, a half-dismissal, and considering how Ludwig seemed to have been shaken up by the king’s arrival, Eduard decided to take that opportunity. And fresh air really might be of some help. “Yes sir, your majesty.” He bowed again, and had to do his best to not just grab Ludwig and flee. Instead he managed to guide Ludwig out of the room without rush, through the corridor, where they passed by Professor Gerald — who looked a little concerned — and another man that Eduard was unfamiliar with, and toward the back of the house where there was a set of stone stairs that led out into the back garden. With a hand on Ludwig’s back, Eduard gently steered him through the garden, until they were shielded by tall hedges. Eduard then took Ludwig’s hand in his, and pulled him along to a fountain hidden away in a secluded area among the hedges.

Once there, he let go, and Ludwig stopped. Eduard moved to stand in front of him instead of beside him, and he searched his eyes for any trace of Ludwig’s mind being present, instead of somewhere else — wherever it had disappeared off to when the king had shown up.

“Lui,” Eduard said softly, trying to catch his attention. He grasped Ludwig’s face between his hands, and focused his gaze into Ludwig’s. “Lui, hey, are you alright?” Some of the distance in Ludwig’s eyes dissipated and melted into confusion. “Ed?” Eduard let out a sigh of relief, glad that Ludwig seemed to be returning to himself. “Yeah?” Ludwig awkwardly cleared his throat. “How are we outside?”

Blinking, Eduard wondered if Ludwig had not noticed anything after the king walked in on them dancing. “By using the door,” he said. “Are you alright?” He felt that he was justified to repeat the question, as Ludwig might not have heard it properly the first time.

Ludwig closed his eyes. He pulled in a deep, slow breath of air, which he released even more slowly. It seemed to become a little uneven and shaky toward the end. Before this all happened, everything that they had talked about since Ludwig’s mother’s death, Eduard probably would have thought that he had imagined it, but not any more. Even Ludwig was hurt at times. Ludwig opened his eyes partially, gaze turned down and eyelashes partially obscuring them. He crossed his arms in front of his chest, defensively, as if trying to shield himself. “No. I’m not.” It was the first time that he confessed to it. He was very quiet.

He seems so frail… It was really painful to see his dear friend look so small and hurt.

Without a word, Eduard took a step closer, and carefully wrapped his arms around Ludwig. Ludwig was tense, but he didn’t pull away. He buried his face against Eduard’s shoulder, and grasped Eduard’s sleeves tightly.

They stood still and silent for several minutes, the only movements the wind that pulled at their hair, clothes, and the branches and leaves around them. The fountain was either turned off, or malfunctioning, because no water was coming out of it. Eventually though, Eduard asked something he had started thinking might not be a terrible idea. “What do you say about going to my family’s town house? To be alone for a few hours.”

Ludwig remained quiet so long that Eduard had started to wonder if Ludwig had not been listening, or if he thought it was such a terrible idea that he had no words for it. But he extracted his face from Eduard’s shoulder, ran two fingers along his closed eyes as if wiping exhaustion from them, and nodded. “Yes.” He continued a few moments later. “Perhaps we can take our leave by now, although I must give my greetings to their highnesses before I do so.”

“You mean the bride and groom?” It seemed that was the correct guess. “As long as they have come out of the closet, I guess.” Ludwig frowned at him from behind his still raised hand. “I think that’s where they went, but Lady Iseabail would know more about that.” Ludwig sniffed, as if he had felt a strange smell he didn’t like, and he dropped his hand. “Of course she would. She constantly seems to have a great need to meddle.” The comment made Eduard chuckle. “Sometimes it’s not so bad that people who care about you meddle.”

“You would be required to say that, thought.” Ludwig turned, heading back to the reception hall. Eduard raised an eyebrow as he followed. “Oh yeah?”

“Naturally. As you also have a tendency to meddle.”

“Do I? Hmmm, I guess I do. But if you’re going to tell me to stop, I’m not going to listen.” Ludwig glanced over at him, the lack of any arched eyebrows showing just how unimpressed he was with Eduard’s statement. “I wasn’t going to, seeing as I expect no less from you.” Saying something like that. Eduard laughed. “You do know me pretty well.”

“Not as well as I initially thought.” The statement gave Eduard pause, though eventually he hummed. “Yeah, likewise. But I don’t think that’s a bad thing.”

Ludwig stopped at the bottom of the stairs, and turned to look at Eduard, for a long stretch of silence. The light from the house behind him seemed to give him a glowing aura, surrounded by soft light. It made him seem almost ethereal. “I suppose not.” He turned again, and walked up the stairs. Once they were up, he turned back to Eduard, who had watched his back thoughtfully, as they climbed the stairs. “I will go talk to Father, you may wait out here.” Eduard blinked at him. Nodded. “Yeah, okay, I’ll do that then.”

Ludwig disappeared indoors. Eduard watched him go, and watched the way his hair swung back and forth over his back and further down. He leaned back against the stone rail and looked up toward the sky and the few early stars visible through the clouds. You may wait, huh. It was such a Lui kind of phrasing. A bit snobbish but not ill-meant. Once one got used to the way he could speak, it was sort of endearing.

Somebody sidled up beside him, with a smile on her face. “Lord Braunschweig,” Lady Iseabail said. “I hear that you are preparing to take your leave.”

“Lady Iseabail.” Eduard smiled at her. “Yes, we are. You seem to have found that out very quickly.”

“I accosted Ludwig on his way to talk to uncle.” Eduard filed away the information that she referred to Ludwig’s father as uncle, even though he wasn’t her uncle, or even part of that side of the family tree. “And I wanted to give you this.” She took his wrist into a firm hold, and he looked down to see what she had put in his hand. A piece of paper, wrapped around something. With an amused look sent her way, Eduard unwrapped the crumbled paper, and he saw that it was a note saying something — it seemed to be an address — and a chestnut. “Would the assumption that you know my pockets already are stuffed with chestnuts be correct?”

“It would be correct, yes.” She took a step away, as if she was readying herself to leave to do something else. “That is my address. I would love to exchange letters.” She curtsied appropriately. “I bid you a good night, Lord Braunschweig.” She disappeared indoors. Eduard was just putting the note in his vest’s breast pocket when he heard a few ladies shriek indoors. I should probably get rid of all these chestnuts, he thought. His pockets did feel a little lighter already though.

Ludwig couldn’t believe it. No, he could believe it. He didn’t want to believe it. In fuming silence, he glared at his siblings, who tried to look perfectly innocent at the same time as they were trying to stifle their laughter and hide under a table and crawl out and behind some gawking adults. One was certainly doing better than the other.

There were chestnuts, all over the parquet floor of the reception hall. A small, excited ball of fur that he knew was Duchess Königmann’s yappy little pekingese, going by the name of Ebba, was much the same. The dog was true to Ludwig’s memory of it, and its nature; despite its now old age — he could remember getting along with it fairly well when he was a young boy — it was barking loudly, running after the chestnuts that were rolling across the floor. Which always were several of them, as the hairy little dog put more in motion with each slide across the floor. He felt a little sorry for the person who would have to repair the damage. (He was also a little surprised with himself for feeling sorry for them.) On top of that he was also feeling his headache grow, and he pinched the bridge of his nose.

Duchess Königmann was shrieking the loudest of all the shrieking ladies. She was the wife of Duke Königmann, who had married into the family. The Königmann Duchess came from a long, old line of Strahl and so did her husband. They had married into the royal house on more than one occasion, and unfortunately, the Duchess herself was closely related to Ludwig.

He had wondered what his siblings and that menace of a cousin of his had intended to do with the chestnuts when Iseabail had grasped his arm upon his return from the garden with Eduard. He had not expected this mess. He had not wanted this mess, nor did he need it. Particularly not right now. He just wanted to leave and get some sleep.

“What in the world.” Ludwig glanced over at Eduard, who had appeared by his elbow. He was not looking as surprised as he probably ought to. But this was not the time nor the place to question him about it. Ludwig sighed, crouched and whistled. The dog’s head swirled his way, as she recognized the whistle well. She forgot all about the chestnuts and set off across the floor; she barrelled straight into him, and if he had not had experience with this particular excitable dog doing exactly that, it would have probably made him lose balance. As it was, though, Ludwig simply scooped her up in his arms and stood back up. He noticed Eduard looking much more surprised at that. The dog quieted and happily wagged her tail at him. Her paws moved and her nose was getting closer to his face. Meanwhile, father had made his way over to Elise and Kilian, and had started to reprimand them. Ebba looked as if she wanted to lick his face — they had initially bonded over their dislike of the Duchess’ loudness and ever since, the dog had been happy to give him all the licks that he didn’t want — and Ludwig would like to avoid that, so he carefully made his way across the chestnut-strewn floor to her owner, who finally stopped shrieking so loudly when she was faced with her ‘precious little baby pooch’.

Calm finally returned to the reception hall, though unfortunately the chaos that had ensued until mere moments ago disallowed them from leaving yet. First of all, Kilian and Elise had to make their rounds of apologies, and there were a lot of unsettled ladies - and some unsettled lords - to appease and calm down.

Calm did not remain for long once they finally departed. Elise and Kilian wanted to visit the Braunschweig family’s town house as well, and they were quite adamant about it. Ludwig let his father and Eduard deal with that, he couldn’t focus properly any longer.

The town house was dark and empty; only once they were alone and Ludwig’s family had driven off did Eduard seem to remember that he had not told Ludwig that there were no servants in residence at the moment. That meant that there was no heat and no food, or made-up beds or anything in particular, except a big, empty house.

“It’s fine, it’s fine,” Eduard assured him, and ushered him up some flight of stairs and into a room that seemed to be both a sitting room and a bedroom at the same time. Judging from its appearance, it was Eduard’s. He crouched by the fireplace, and started to pile wood into it with far too practiced ease. “I’ll go get us some food once I’ve lit this up. And something for breakfast, too.” Ludwig watched Eduard work, and in a remarkably short time, he had a fire going in the fireplace and was back out the front door.

Ludwig was left alone, waiting for Eduard to return. He ended up looking through the house. There was nobody around to see him do so, though it was inappropriate to explore somebody else’s house without asking. At least he had no doubt in his mind that Eduard would not at all mind.

There wasn’t really much to see. It was a fairly small town house...though he supposed that it was only small in his mind, as he was used to his family’s much bigger town houses, in various towns even in countries beyond Kuchen. He returned to the fireplace before Eduard had returned to the house, and he sat down on a sofa. He tipped his head back against the backrest. He felt so tired of everything. As if he was lost and bereft, all alone in a small sinking vessel, on a sea in turmoil. While he had never been the type of child who would hide in his mother’s skirts or follow her around, he missed her. Her absence was an ache in his chest, and he felt a desire to curl up in her skirts despite the fact that he had only ever done so once in the past, as far as he could remember. But realizing that his preferences lay with men had been a very stressful time for him, and he had needed her. That time she had been there, not asking what was wrong once she realized that he didn’t want to talk about it, but assuring him that she would be there to listen, be there for him, always, as long as he needed her, while she petted his head with a hand that made him feel so safe and protected.

With a sharp intake of breath, Ludwig tipped his head forward and pressed his fingers against the inner corners of his eyes, which were pressed tightly shut. He swallowed, but the lump in his throat didn’t want to go away. His eyes were burning, and his nose felt strange. He felt sick. “Mother…” His shaky whisper was loud in the room, which was silent, besides the merry crackling of the fire. He was unable to hold back the tears any longer, and his sobs made him bend over, and he pressed his hands over his mouth and nose in a vain attempt to make them stop.

He barely took note of the movement in the doorway, but he did notice the gentle hand softly rubbing against his back. Ludwig startled. Eduard was blurry when he looked at him. His sobs became even more uncontrollable, and, ignoring propriety even though the instincts he had trained into himself were shouting at him to leave and hide until he was able to control himself because he could not be allowed to be seen like this, he twisted his body and buried his face in Eduard’s chest. The sobs were partly muffled. Strong arms that made him feel safe wrapped around him. It only made him cry harder, because it made him think of his mother’s embrace. He didn’t realize until much later that he quietly pleaded for her to come back home.

He didn’t see Eduard’s face — he probably wouldn’t have wanted to — which was twisted in anguish and regret over being unable to do anything besides just hold him as he cried.

The wall in his mind had broken apart, crack after crack eventually becoming too many, and he was unable to put it back up again.

Ludwig’s eyes were red, as was his nose and cheeks. He had glimpsed his image in a window, darkened by the night outside, when he had gone to wash his face. He looked terrible. He looked just as he felt. How long he had cried, he wasn’t certain. It was a long time, and it was long past midnight. His head hurt, and it felt heavy in a way he had never before experienced. His body felt weird and unmanageable, hard to maneuver as he wanted to.

The warmth from the tea mug between his hands warmed his hands, and he needed that warmth; he was cold. The steam warmed his face. Eduard had placed the mug between his hands, he had added honey that helped Ludwig’s throat, which hurt after all the tears and the words he had endlessly repeated.

He listened to Eduard’s calm steam of words; a random, inane, rambling of things on various topics that really were entirely irrelevant to Ludwig. But it was soothing, it told him that Eduard was respecting Ludwig’s desire to not talk about his breakdown, at least not right that moment, and it told him, to his relief, that Eduard was not going to change in any way, he would treat him the same even though he had seen…that. It was sweet of him, really. Really, Ludwig thought, and he ignored the part of his mind that pointed out that he just used the same word twice in a row, he is far too kind to me. He was unused to people like Eduard, who didn’t look to gain something from every interaction with him.

Eduard refilled Ludwig’s mug again after he had managed to get Ludwig to eat a whole sandwich with slices of liver pâté and pickles on top. For some reason that made Ludwig start to cry again. He was relieved that it was not as violently as before, at least. The tears dribbled down his cheeks and onto his hands and into his tea, and he sniffed, trying to hold them back and failing at it. “My apologies,” he managed to press out with a shaky voice. “I am-... not used to such torrents of emotions.” He stuttered and couldn’t speak properly, and it made him ashamed. He knew he didn’t have to feel ashamed when it was only Eduard with him, seeing this. “They're hard-...” He swallowed, his sentence losing some words in the process. “...-at times.”

“That’s alright.” Eduard brushed away some of the tears from Ludwig’s cheeks, though it was a futile gesture. “Let it take time. These things takes time. And that’s alright.” Ludwig slowly nodded. His sight was strange and his eyes felt grainy. “I want to sleep,” he said, and he heard how petulant and childish he sounded when he said that. But he was so tired.

“Okay.” Eduard got up, and took the once more emptied mug after Ludwig held it out for him to take and he put it aside on a table. Large, thought-through movements didn’t seem possible to Ludwig at the moment. And he didn’t mind that, despite thoughts that usually were at the forefront at all times that had currently been pushed into his subconscious, he curled up in Eduard’s bed and allowed Eduard to tuck him in under layers of blankets. It felt good, being wrapped in his embrace. He allowed himself that, at least for this moment. That was all he could tell at the moment, even though he had found it important to at least not sleep huddled up and close to one another, the previous nights that they had shared a bed.

He would wake up with exhaustion and still feeling heavy and lethargic, but he would wake up enveloped in safe warmth and strangely a little lighter as well.

Chapter Text

Breakfast at school felt overly lively after the time spent at Ludwig’s home. Ludwig had felt better the last day, it was noticeable. Ludwig was not about to admit it, Eduard knew that, but crying must have helped him. It had made him felt shitty for a while, but he stood at his usual height again — which most people wouldn’t notice that he had not done recently — and the way he held himself was a little easier. Eduard knew that he had ended up talking to his siblings, too. He didn’t know about what, but somehow all three of them had ended up in Eduard’s guest room at the end of it, asleep on the bed. Eduard had watched them, had gone over to put a blanket over them, and had paused to brush some hair that was stuck in Ludwig’s eyelashes out of his face. Ludwig’s eyes had fluttered open for a brief moment, and a very small, and tired, smile had passed across his face for a brief moment. He had closed his eyes again and gone right back to sleep after that. Eduard had felt his heart clench in an odd way. Hopefully, they were making some progress.

“Did you remember—”

“—the essay due this afternoon?” Eduard grinned, a glint of mischief in his eye and at the corners of his mouth. He pulled his fork from his mouth. Not that remembering was anything that he should be smug about — he had a tendency to forget — but when he did remember about it he couldn’t help but be pleased (and relieved) that he didn’t have to write an essay or speech in a hurry. He did not like to do that, because he wasn’t very good at it. “Yup, I finished it last night. Still need to read through it one last time, but I’ll make it.”

“I look forward to reading it,” Nicolas said. “Your interpretation of the topic could prove interesting.”

Eduard narrowed his eyes in unimpressed deadpan disbelief at him. “Really? Essays is not something that I’m particularly good at.” And the current state of Europe’s political climate (which was not the exact essay topic but a part of it that could be explored) was obviously a disaster and musch like a bomb close to exploding; the first domino brick was just waiting to fall and bring the rest of the continent down with it. His essay would hardly be an eye opener on the subject, particularly not since the king and his Strahl knew about it and were trying to assure a neutral position for Kuchen, which might spare the country involvement in a war that without a doubt was coming. ...Honestly, his essay may have ended up a bit long, and a bit...a lot...not at all objective or neutral. There were too many people who took it too lightly and—

He didn’t catch what Orpherus had said, but he did catch Ludwig’s words that followed.

“And you would hardly be expected to write something accurate,” Ludwig remarked from his end of the table. Eduard could see how Camus and Naoji looked relieved, rather than their usual expressions of here we go again that one of the comments intended to perhaps start a quarrel between Ludwig and Orpherus slipped out. Daniel and Nicolas seemed amused, though Daniel more so, while Elmut was a mix of Camus’ and Naoji’s normal reaction and their current one.

What were they talking about? The essay, still? He only partially listened to the argument that started across the breakfast table. Daniel was definitely egging them on, with a comment here or a remark there, in the exact right place to keep Ludwig and Orpherus going.

Instead of properly listening, though he would go through the argument in his mind later so that he didn’t forget everything, Eduard watched their body language. In particular Ludwig’s. They had been back for a few days, and classes had started back up. It was hard to forget the image of Ludwig’s tear-streaked face, the feeling of his shaking body, the sound of his cries and desperate whispers, all which had lasted for hours. Nothing of that was visible now, but it had lifted a weight off of him. Ludwig would never admit to having cried to anyone, and Eduard wondered if he had ever cried before, even once. He wondered if he had allowed himself that. If he knew that finally being able to cry was a relief and the start of feeling a little better, or if he had always thought of it as nothing but a weakness. Grief was such a painful thing, and not giving oneself the permission to grieve, holding it all in, it was never good in the end. Surely Ludwig would never want to cry again — in fact, he had told Eduard so the morning after — but at least he would know that it was alright to cry, once in a while. That it wasn’t the end of the world to let go of the control of ones emotions. Though, maybe he would have to be reminded of that from time to time.

Ludwig noticed that he was watching him, because in the end his gaze had stopped flickering back to Orpherus while Orpherus was speaking. A questioning scowl was turned his way, and Eduard waved it off with a smile. “Don’t mind me, you guys continue until you’re satisfied.” It was their first proper argument since Ludwig’s mother’s death, after all. They may be at the breakfast table still, which was an inappropriate place for a political discussion, but they would have a lot of pent-up frustration and honestly, it was so incredibly strange to not have them argue at least once a week that it was good to see them argue again now.

With a sigh and a shake of his head, Ludwig did return to his argument. Orpherus sent Eduard a questioning glance, but Eduard waved that off as well, and Orpherus didn’t have the time to ask him about it at that moment.

Their table was the last to clear, thanks to the various levels of engagement in the discussion by everyone at it. It did turn into one, eventually. An actual discussion and not just one of the usual arguments. Thankfully, their classes didn’t start until after the lunch meal that day. Once they broke up, Eduard and Orpherus were headed for town, where they were intending to drop by a bookshop. Camus and Elmunt were going to the greenhouse, Naoji and Ludwig, as well as Daniel, were going to the library. Nicolas was going to town as well, though he disappeared before Orpherus and Eduard could join him.

Camus attached himself to Eduard, giving him a tight hug. He pulled back, directed a beaming smile up at him, and said softly, “Thank you.” He let go and hurried off after Elmunt, who waited for him further down the corridor. “Well.” Orpherus looked over at Eduard once Camus and Elmunt had disappeared. “If it makes Camus happy.” Eduard raised both eyebrows at his best friend. “What conversation are you continuing?” That seemed like it must be from a conversation they must have bad before they went on break, before the funeral and the wedding. Orpherus shook his head. “Never mind that. We were going to drop by the bookshop before classes start, were we not? We ought to get going if we want to make it.” Eduard arched his eyebrows even higher, wondering what Orpherus was on about, but he was right. “Yeah yeah, I’m coming, I’m coming.”

“Do stop looking at me, Daniel,” Ludwig said coolly. He had already had to deal with Eduard staring at him at the breakfast table, and didn’t need Daniel to start doing the same now. Daniel directed one of his smiles, the one of perfect innocence that he got on his face when he was definitely not innocent of whatever he was accused of – pretending to just look up from the book that he held open in front of him. “I did not realize that I was doing so,” he said, which was a fact that they both knew to be false.

Ludwig snapped the book he was just done with anyway shut, eyes sharp on Daniel. “What do you want?”

“Nothing in particular,” Daniel stated calmly. He continued, but probably not because of the narrowing of Ludwig’s eyes. “You are doing well again. Do we have Ed to thank for that?”

Few people were in the library at the moment. It was a lovely day in the middle of several not-so-lovely days, and classes started late that day, and though it was chilly out, most people took the opportunity to be outdoors, before the weather went bad again.

It still did not feel good to have Daniel say something like that in a public location, few presences around be damned. It could easily be misconstrued.

“I don’t see how you would assume such a thing,” he said, even though he knew that of course people close to him might pick up on that, particularly now, while his emotions still refused to be completely under his control.

“Camus will already have expressed his gratitude, I’m sure.” Ludwig glared at Daniel even more intensely, but Daniel had never been the least bit intimidated by him, even from the start. Naoji interjected, “I must do so as well.” Ludwig turned his narrowed gaze onto his closest friend. Naoji had a relieved smile on his lips, in his eyes. “How he helped doesn’t matter,” Naoji continued. “It matters that he was able to help. I’m sorry I have been unable to do anything for you in this.”

When he shook his head, Ludwig caught sight of Eduard’s — and by extension, he supposed, his own — friend, Fräulein Augusta, as she strode down the aisle created by the bookshelves that they stood between. “Naoji, Ludwig, Daniel.” Her greeting was returned by them, and she focused her attention on one of the bookshelves close to the one Daniel was leaning against. Naoji and Daniel, and eventually Ludwig as well, fell back into their conversation. “Naoji is right,” Daniel was saying, elaborating that he thought that it had been a good thing that Eduard had visited Ludwig’s family during a time like this. It had clearly been necessary, and that Ludwig had actually gone through with asking him to come over had worth to it. Naoji agreed, and Ludwig didn’t need to ask to know that they would not be convinced otherwise. Why did they have to have this conversation in front of a woman—in front of a friend of both Marin and Eduard’s sister? If she didn’t keep her mouth shut, because naturally she had to be listening to them, and this reached Eduard then-...then...what…?

Augusta soon turned toward Daniel, and tilted his book toward him to read the cover and spine. “Thank you,” she said, sliding the book out of Daniel’s hands. Daniel blinked at her, seemingly surprised at her brazen behaviour. Even though they must have known each other for around a year by now and Augusta never made a secret of her manly personality. She waved a hand at Daniel, a gesture of dismissal. “You were not reading it either way,” she said. “I will only use it for a few minutes.”

“Very well, Fräulein,” said Daniel with a small shrug and a smile. When she waved him off again, telling him to don’t mind me, he turned back to Ludwig once again. “So obviously, Camus would tell him thank you once he noticed that you’re becoming yourself again.” Ludwig snorted, and it made all three of his friends look at him. He had not meant to show, in any way, how little he believed that he would be able to become himself again. At least not completely. That wall was down, and he didn’t think it could return back to its former state again. “What?”

“You may have,” Augusta started, watching him with her sharp, observant gaze. “changed some, while you regained your health.”

“My health is perfectly fine.” Ah. She had tried to be subtle. They all knew that she didn’t mean his physical health, but his mental health. One did not speak of mental health, not here, not now, not anywhere or ever, in Kuchen. But he had always had...issues, so in that sense, one could not say that he had ever been healthy, if one knew of it. Which nobody did, thankfully. That these people seemed mindful of what they actually knew, without any ill intent or contempt… “Well… I suppose that I ought to be grateful for your concern.” Because it seemed genuine, and there were not many people who were genuine around him. Yet surprisingly, these last few years the amount of people who truly were had increased, and it wasn’t only Camus and Marin, outside his immediate family, who actively showed genuine concern or care toward him. He scowled at Naoji, and Augusta, and Daniel, when he noticed the baffled expressions on their faces. “What now?” he said through gritted teeth.

“Oh, you know,” Daniel said with a strange look of innocent amusement on his face, which would be much more cherub-like if it wasn’t for his mercurial personality that showed in his eyes. “it is simply that that is a surprising thing to hear you say.”

Ludwig turned away his gaze, casting it down into the pages of the book that he had already finished with.

“Hey, Orphe, there’s Nicolas,” Eduard pointed out, when he spotted the Strahl candidate heading down the street outside. “And… Wilhelmine?” He had not expected to see Nicolas out on town with one of Erika’s friends. He elbowed Orpherus in the side, and nodded toward the corner of the house. He had also not expected to see his own sister and one of her friends to be following them. “I’ll go catch them.” Eduard left Orpherus behind to pay for the books he had come to buy, and stepped out onto the sunny street.

When he asked the two girls, “What are you guys doing?” they both startled. Clearly they had not noticed his approach. “Brother!” Erika gasped out in relief. Eduard tipped his head to the side, and raised an eyebrow of inquiry.

“We’re playing detective!” Marin exclaimed, bouncing a little on her toes, and Erika shushed her, then peered around the corner toward Nicholas and Wilhelmine. She grasped Eduard’s arm and dragged him along after her and Marin. Bewildered, Orpherus joined them just past the cobbler’s place. “Playing detective?” Eduard asked them, mainly for Orpherus’ benefit because he had already figured it out from that. They were following Wilhelmine and Nicholas, to see what they were up to. It was a little nostalgic, actually. Erika and he had followed random people around for a while, pretending to be private detectives, after they had come across a Sherlock Holmes story back when they were children.

“Minne was acting strange,” Erika explained, a little hurriedly, probably to make sure Marin didn’t do so too loudly. “So we were curious and then she met up with Nicholas, for some reason.”

“Do you know the reason yet?” Eduard looked at his best friend with disbelief. As did the two girls. Maybe he was simply asking but— “Orphe? You realize it’s most likely that they’re going out. Like you and Erika are.” Erika blushed at the mention, and giggled, and Orpherus looked like he was about to do the same. “Okay, you love birds can go have fun,” Eduard said. Marin nodded enthusiastically. “Lord Eduard can accompany me.” She was very enthusiastic about it.

“Are you certain?” Orpherus asked, and Marin nodded. She started to drag Eduard off after Wilhelmine and Nicholas. Eduard waved goodbye to his friend and his sister, and followed the young lady.

“This is so exciting, isn’t it?” she said as she bounced, when she came to a stop behind a paper stand. Remembering how tough it could be to be a paper boy, Eduard bought a copy of one of the papers, while trying to observe both Marin and their friends at the same time. “Playing detective?”

“That too, but not really! I mean love! Being in love and being loved in return,” she sighed wistfully, cupping her cheeks in her hands. “It simply seems so wonderful, so beautiful, so romantic!”

“I guess..” Romance, huh. “Is that why you’re following them?”

Marin sighed again. She advanced down the street. “I guess I’m just a little jealous. So open and happy, despite the objections they might face.” Eduard’s steps faltered for just a moment, and he had to take a few longer steps. She was very fast, Marin was. “Because of the class difference?” There still was issues with that, though it was ridiculous.

“Does that bother you?”

Considering she was definitely aware of Eduard’s own parentage, she should already know that he has no problem with that. “People should be allowed to love whoever they want.”

She looked over her shoulder at him, an uncommonly serious, thoughtful expression on her face. “Whoever they are?”

A little frown creased Eduard’s brow. He thought about the words she had said, and, and… And he understood. “Yeah. People who love others of the same gender, too.”

The look that came onto her face was unlike something that he had never seen her wear before.

“There is uncertainty and danger, of course, we know that,” Helmut turned off the tap, and he picked the watercan up from the floor. He looked fondly toward Camus, who was picking dried leaves off of flowers.

Ludwig curled his fingers around the glass in his hand. He looked to the essays that had been returned to them earlier that day, at their headers and the first page of the one on top “You could end up in an asylum, though,” he said softly. He didn’t care that much if Helmut ended up in trouble, but Camus was different. They were taking such a risk. He didn’t want to see Camus get into trouble.

Camus rose from the flower bed. “Some things are worth the danger.” He headed over to the compost bin to drop the dry leaves into it.

“But… It’s stupid-... How can anything be worth that?”

Camus and Helmut were silent, but Ludwig heard shoes against the tiles, and he looked up to meet Camus’ gaze when he stepped up in front of him. Camus took Ludwig’s face between his hands, and leaned his forehead to his. “I know that you’re worried about me, but this is the decision that I have made. I can’t turn my back to this, because I can’t. It’s far too precious to me.”

Ludwig gazed up into his cousin’s eyes, seeing the conviction in them. He couldn’t understand something like that. The courage that it took, the love that it meant, the trust — he didn’t understand.

But he could tell that to Camus, whatever it was that he had with Helmut, they found it true and they were unable to deny themselves of it.

Ludwig was on his way back from the greenhouse when he heard the sound of humming, and a few indiscernible words. The voice was familiar, and he wasn’t surprised to hear it caught up in music. He followed the sound and found, as he had expected, Eduard among the trees. Unexpectedly though, Eduard was standing, leaning against the tree with his palms pressed against the bark, and his ear turned toward it. His eyes were closed, and he didn’t seem to have noticed Ludwig yet. Ludwig was silent for some moments, but then spoke up, arms crossed over his chest and a slight frown on his face. “What are you doing?”

Eduard opened his eyes, and looked over his shoulder. He smiled widely, and Ludwig felt his heart do that ridiculous fluttering again. It was beating faster, just by being in Eduard’s presence, but seeing that pure, genuinely happy smile was when it beat the worst. “I’m listening to the nature’s heartbeat!” Eduard said, and Ludwig canted his head just a fraction to the side. “The nature’s what?” Eduard laughed, a cheerful sound that didn’t do anything to slow the rapid beats of Ludwig’s heart.

“Its heartbeat. And it’s song, and it’s everything.” He shifted away from the tree, just a bit, and patted the bark with a hand. “Come listen?” Ludwig sighed, and shook his head, but he crossed the distance between them either way. “And how am I supposed to do that?” he asked. He startled in surprise when Eduard brushed some of his hair behind his ear. Ludwig tried to suppress the heat that spread over his cheeks, because he knew just how well it showed when he truly was embarrassed—being pale was no advantage that way. But Eduard didn’t say anything… And the lingering fingers were probably simply there to make sure his hair wasn’t in the way. “You put your ear to the trunk and listen to the sounds you hear.”

“I see…” Wouldn’t he simply hear his own heart beat that way? But he put his palms against the tree, and leaned his ear against it. The bark was rough against his skin, but it was alright. It was quiet around them, besides the wind in the branches and the leaves on the ground. He was right, he thinks, when he hears his own erratic heart. But some moments later, the sound of blood rushing in his body, and something from inside the tree became audible to him. Crackling, creaking sounds, a small animal running through the rotting leaves on the ground, and something like a soft sigh. He pulled his head away, and looked at the tree. He heard Eduard chuckle beside him. “You heard it?” Ludwig must have made an expression to confirm the answer to the question, without the need for any words. “The more you listen, the more you hear. The nature is alive in ways nobody who doesn’t stop and take the time notices.”

Ludwig wondered if this was how Eduard felt when Ludwig told him of some new scientific discovery. Did he ever hint at that sort of excited expression, if only in his eyes? No, surely not. Both answers must be that it was not, that it didn’t. Because it was like Eduard had a whole range of emotions that were unfamiliar to Ludwig. But… His fingertips scraped against the tree’s bark. But this feeling. The feeling that just became worse and worse the more he saw that pure smile. Every time he heard that cheerful voice. The way his chest warmed from the inside, in a way it had never been warmed before. Happiness, but not the sort of happiness he could feel as a child, before things became too complicated. A happiness that stirred his heart. Was it that happiness that made his heart beat the way that it did, every time he was with Eduard? Every time he even thought about him? The thoughts raced through Ludwig’s mind, and Eduard looked a little wondering, over the long stretch of silence. This is what Camus described, when he talked about his feelings for Helmut, he realized. I see, I’m… His hands,still resting against the trunk, closed into fists. ...in love with him.. In love. Him. With anyone. With Eduard. It was such a foreign thought, yet it felt like it was unmistakably it, once he thought it. It wasn’t just lust for his body, it was yearning for his personality and his love, too. Ludwig swallowed. Then, he was slammed full force by a thought that threw him completely off guard and shook his entire being. I would be fine with people finding out, if I was with him. And he was filled with a fear. He took a step away from the tree, and then another. “I have somewhere to be,” he said, but his voice must have cracked, or sounded weak or unsure, because Eduard’s face took on an expression full of concern.

Ludwig ignored it, and he pulled his hands away from the tree. He heard Eduard call after him, but he ignored that, too.

Chapter Text

He was being a cause for concern yet again, he could tell. Eduard had sought him out later in the evening, but Ludwig had not answered with the truth when he asked what was wrong. Nothing is wrong, Ludwig lied. And even though he had lied about his feelings, about himself, all his life, he felt transparent, and he felt guilty for telling him that lie. It was, perhaps, because of the look upon Eduard’s face when he had been brushed off and so blatantly lied to, Ludwig thought as he reflected upon it.

His gaze traveled the pages of a book, unseeing but too used to pretending, and he automatically turned to the next page.

Ludwig had already brushed Eduard off and left or ignored him several times these last few days. It had already been nearly a week since Ludwig was hit with the realization of his own feelings, and he was still unable to face him, to swallow his fear and tell him what really was wrong.

He knew that he had hurt Eduard, by ignoring his concern.

He also knew that Orpheus was feeling anger and resentment on Eduard's behalf. He could feel it in the burning gaze that was directed at him every time they were in the same room with each other.

Ludwig could, in reality, not afford to offend somebody who truly cared about him, because there were few who truly did care; there were few who didn't care about currying his favour so that they could gain something; there were so few people that didn't care about his status or his family name or close relation to the king. He couldn't afford to lose even one.

He did not want to hurt Eduard. He knew that to Eduard, the few close friends that he had were just as important— even more important than they were to Ludwig since unlike Ludwig, he was actually a social person. Because he was a bastard, he was not truly accepted by society, particularly not by those of status or those who were particularly pious. And he had made it painfully clear how much he cared for Ludwig, and Ludwig was immensely grateful to him for both the support he had provided, and for his acceptance of the parts of himself that Ludwig had bared, as well as how he kept what he had learned private.

But Ludwig was scared. He was terrified. And until he was able to bury the feelings that would be cause of nothing but trouble, he was unable to face Eduard head on. He was unable to look him in the eye and let everything be as it used to be.

And as a result, he may be ruining everything that had been built between them these last few years.

Ludwig closed his book, certain that if he did not, he would tear tracks into its pages with his nails. He got up, and he ignored, as was not uncommon, his devoted followers, people blind to reality seeking some of his perceived excellence to rub off on them, and he ignored the gaze Naoji held on his back, and he retreated from the room.

Outside his bedroom door he felt a hand grasp his arm, and he angled his head to meet Naoji's gaze. “Lui, please, tell me.” His voice was nearly pleading. But only nearly. Ludwig wasn't good with pleading. He eyed Naoji, his own gaze leveled and face covered by a mask, as Naoji's face and gaze both held concern. “There is nothing to tell,” he said finally, and he felt the guilt that had been sitting in his throat for the past week grow when he saw the look on Naoji’s face. He had hurt him, too. He should have phrased that differently. Naoji was his dearest friend, and yet— why did he have to be like this? It was as if everything Ludwig touched eventually got corrupted and ruined. It had taken nearly two decades for it to hit his mother, but not even half of one to hit Naoji. Ludwig’s jaw tensed. He searched for words to repair the damage but words regarding his feelings had always eluded him to an extent that some day might drive him to despair. He was already suffering from depression, he didn’t need— he didn’t want— The darkness swirled at the edge of his vision.

His grip around the door handle tightened. “I can’t,” he managed eventually, before his throat constricted, making him unable to utter a single more word. The pain didn’t dissipate from Naoji’s face, but he seemed to forgive Ludwig for his transgression at least to a point, because he asked, “would you like me to make some tea?” and Ludwig felt his strength leave him. He nodded, pulled open the door and Naoji followed him inside, closing the door behind him.

Ludwig allowed himself to sink down at the table with his forehead leaning against his balled-up hand. He could feel Naoji’s gaze upon him as he cleared the table, but he did not yet press with words, and retreated from Ludwig’s room to prepare the tea in the shared kitchen. Unlike Eduard, Ludwig did not have a stove of any kind in his room. Ludwig was still sitting there when Naoji returned, though his palms were pressed to his cheek and his fingers over his eyes. Initially, Ludwig didn’t touch the tea that Naoji poured. Instead he watched as the steam curled up from the surface like a thin mist, watching through the cracks between his fingers. Once he finally reached out, he had to rest his hand against the table surface. He had seen his fingers shiver as they were about to curl around the ear of the cup. He searched desperately for his mask, but he couldn’t seem to find it. He wished he could hide at home, away from prying eyes, in his room, and disappear until he was able to control himself the same way as he had before. In the end, the tea had gone cold when he picked the cup up and managed to keep his hand still. Naoji was still patiently sitting at the table, having his tea in silence.

The cup’s clink against the saucer seemed loud in Ludwig’s ears, once he eventually put the cup back down, empty of cold tea. “My apologies,” he said, almost too quietly. “I cannot yet speak of this, I still have to process my thoughts.” Even though he had tried to do so for several days already. Perhaps I still need to come to terms with my feelings would be a better way to phrase it, but he was not ready to say something like that out loud, not even to Naoji. Because Naoji didn’t know about the sinful side of his, that made him yearn for the company of other men, rather than that of women. It was not something that Ludwig could easily tell him about.

“I don’t mind.” Ludwig glanced up at Naoji when he spoke softly. “But will you allow me to say something?” Ludwig nodded. He could sense the darkness at the fringe of his vision again; it had been grasping at him often, lately. Why would he ever not allow Naoji to say something? Did he make Naoji feel as if there were things that he could not say? Granted, Ludwig found himself unable to tell Naoji a lot of things too, but that had nothing to do with Naoji, it was all because of Ludwig’s own cowardice. The only one he dared to speak about it with was Marin, and it wasn’t exactly easy to find opportunity to speak to her in private at school. Being alone together could easily cause rumours, and it was particularly bad for a young lady to be seen alone with a man, her reputation would be ruined easily. They both had reputations to protect, it was why they were both careful about keeping each other’s secrets. “Lui,” Naoji’s soft voice pulled Ludwig back from the murky swamp made of his spiraling thoughts.

“I know that there are many things going through your mind that you will never say, and that is fine, that is part of who you are and I don’t expect you to suddenly tell me something that you are not prepared to tell. However, rather than saying that nothing is wrong, I wish that you would say this, or say that something is wrong but you can’t tell me, I won’t mind. It is simply that,” he took a breath, and Ludwig could see that his gaze was upon him, sincere and caring and concerned. It was difficult to meet his gaze. “When you say that nothing is wrong even though there is something wrong, it feels as if you are— Pardon my choice of words, I am not entirely certain how to put it in German— it feels as if you are ridiculing-... belittling your own feelings. As if your own feelings, your own happiness, comes not even in second place, but in last. As if what you are feeling and what you want doesn’t matter. You were the first person to reach out to me, here at this school, in this country, and you will always matter so very much to me, and I want you to be happy, because you are dear to me.”

Ludwig didn’t know how to respond. He wasn’t doing that, he could say. It was on the tip on his tongue, but he held it there. He felt that it would not go down well, saying that. “I see...” was the only thing he managed to say, after several long minutes where his mind grasped for words without success.

Politics were so much easier than talking about ones emotions.

Time passed by, slipping through his fingers even as he tried to grasp it. He doesn’t know what to do, and the days, the weeks, went by. He managed to for the most part regain his usual mask. He could feel the cracks, the edges loose, a gap of air between it and his skin. It didn’t fit as well as it once used to.

But it didn’t matter, he had to keep it in place nonetheless.

It was with wary confusion that he watched Augusta sip her tea, the coolness she so often wore in place on her face. She was another wearing a mask, he had realized. Not one as tightly knitted as Ludwig, or Marin, but she was still an intelligent woman in a society unappreciative of women of intelligence.

She sought him out an early Sunday morning while most people were at church. Ludwig ought to have attended the church service, as should she, because it was mandatory and skipping out would look bad. He always went each Sunday morning only because he had to, but he was not a believer. But Ludwig had had an especially rough night last night, and had awoken with both a headache and a numbness in his chest. So he didn’t go, albeight only sharing half the reason why with Naoji, who would excuse his absence in case the preacher or any of their professors were to ask. Augusta ought not to have been in the boy’s dormitory, yet she had knocked on his door, somehow knowing which one belonged to his room, and had shouldered her way inside when he had opened to see who it might be. He had expected it to be Eduard, to he honest. The lad was not afraid of skipping the service now and again, breaking the socially acceptable norms and rules further. Instead it was Augusta, an equally outrageous person, making an appearance where she absolutely should not be.

And she was saying even more outrageous things. He stapled his fingers, ignoring the cup of tea in front of him. Naoji had prepared it before leaving to train — as he was a foreigner it was acceptable for him to not attend the church service, though he sometimes still did — and left it for Ludwig. It was cold now, but the lady was not complaining. She was barging in uninvited, and as a result didn’t expect to be treated as a guest.

“And why are you telling me this?” he asked her, eyeing her without actually looking her in the eye. But he was pretending to. Doing such a thing was not an unfamiliar action to him. Instead he focused his gaze upon the crease by her eyebrows, the way that they furrowed. “It has nothing to do with me.”

“It has, though. Because,” she mirrored his position at the table, fingers pressing together and expression schooled, set in stubbornness. wWhile I may not have gotten to know you more properly until I joined the council, I have known Ed since he was taken in by the Markgraf. I’d say I know him just as well as Orphe does. I tend to watch him a lot. And because of my own feelings toward him, I seem to have developed a keen sense for knowing when somebody else is interested in him. He may be unbelievably oblivious, but I am not.” His gaze went unbidden to her eyes, and he was not entirely able to suppress the flinch at the intense look in them. “I am sure I have no idea what you speak of.” His breath was stuck in his throat. He wanted to run away from the conversation so badly. They may be in his room, which left nowhere solitary for him to run off to, but he wanted to escape the unwavering gaze. Why did she have to figure it out? How did breathing work again? This couldn’t be happening. How did you get the air in and out? It didn’t want to do either. Augusta’s eyebrows furrowed. If she had figured it out then who knew who else had been able to? “Lui, you look like you might pass ou— oh my God stop holding your breath! Of course I’m not telling anyone.” It’s over. Father, I’m sorry. Her hands were suddenly on his shoulders. When did she get out of her seat? He had to look up because she was standing in front of him. Hadn’t he just been facing the table?

“Lui, don’t worry about me, I’m not telling on you. Why would I— For God’s sake, have some faith in your friends— God, what— breathe before I slap you, you Goddamn idiot.” It wasn’t the threat that made him regain his breath as his vision blurred and darkened, threatening to entirely take over, it was the shock of the insult. Augusta was a brash woman, but she didn’t insult people to their face so easily. “I’m not— I’m not an idiot,” he protested once he had finally regained his breath and his vision cleared a little. He turned in his seat, only realizing then that Augusta had grabbed him by the shoulders and had forcefully twisted him in his seat. He was not accustomed to being manhandled, particularly not by women, and even less so by actual ladies. The sigh she let out carried relief in it, bringing it onto her face. “You’re a bit of an idiot,” she insisted. She returned to her seat and her tea cup. “Being intelligent and being an idiot are two completely separate things.” He shook his head. The dread he felt was terrible. But he didn’t feel like he was being strangled by an invisible noose any more.

“As I told you, I can tell how you are feeling toward him. As such, my intentions to confess my own feelings to him has a little to do with you. More than either of you realize, I’m sure.” Ludwig frowned in confusion at her words. “I have come to terms with how he feels towards me. He loves me, but not the way I love him. I know this. It took a while to come to terms with, but I have given it a lot of thought. I know that I need to tell him to be able to move on, no matter his reply. You wonder why I am telling you at all.” She took a long sip of her tea. “I have no obligation to tell you this of course, but I have decided to do so anyway. My reasoning wouldn’t make sense to you, so I’m not going into depth on that. I don’t have any reason to give you that you would accept. This is just my opinion, but, Lui, if you don’t actually try taking a step forward, you’ll be stuck in the same place forever. I have decided that I won’t stay stuck, and I believe that you don’t actually want to be stuck in this place either. Right now you’re only hurting both him and yourself. Above anything, I won’t want him to hurt. I’m not insisting you tell him, though he wouldn’t cast you aside or look at you differently, I can assure you, but you need to do at least something. What that is, is entirely up to you.”

He had gone entirely still as she continued to speak, frozen in place. His fingers clenched tightly to the cup he was holding. He had frozen so completely that he wasn’t even shivering with the fear ingrained in him since the moment he had realized what he was. Her words were terrifying, and so was acceptance.

Better strike while the iron was still hot. She could have waited longer, and honestly she wanted to wait, but she had already decided that she was going to deal with this as soon as she was alone with him next time. Not only for her own sake. Ludwig wasn’t the only, nor the biggest, idiot among the Strahl candidates.

Many times as they grew older, Augusta couldn’t believe how oblivious Eduard was. Even now, when they were practically adults, he was the same as always, smiling brightly and sincerely at her, telling her that he loved her too. Not knowing that she didn’t mean it the way he did. Well, there was that too; she had loved him as a friend since so many years ago, and that love wasn’t gone. It was simply more.

She shook her head, and sighed. “No, you don’t. You do,” she continued before he could protest. “But it’s not that kind of love. I love you the way your mother loved your father.” She didn’t say the way a woman loves a man because she still clearly remember the conversation, one-sided as it had been, that she had had with Ludwig. A man could love another man just the same, it was so clear to her. At least it was clear that a man could love Eduard just as much as a woman could love Eduard. Because she noticed those sort of things, when it came to Eduard. She could tell when somebody was developing a crush on him, she could tell that Ludwig wasn’t even the only man with such feelings toward Eduard. It really was as if she had an extra sense, much like touch, smell, or sight, that told her such things. “You don’t have to give me a look like that. I already knew you don’t reciprocate.” He looked troubled. But not troubled because he was unhappy with her confession— not in such a sense, at least. He wore a complicated expression.

He didn’t know how to react, he didn’t know what to say, and he didn’t want to hurt her. “I could have gone without telling you at all, that would probably be easier in a sense, but it’s better for us both if I do, I think. I needed to tell you to be able to move on and fall in love with someone else, and you need to be told this by me because otherwise, you won’t realize that there are people who harbor serious romantic feelings for you. I’m not the only one, I’ll have you know. But you wouldn’t realize it or take it seriously unless somebody properly told you. Just like now, you would take it as the love friends feel toward one another — the problem is that you have a disproportionate amount of love to give to other people. Few can love people platonically the way that you do. If you don’t realize this, it will cause misunderstandings you can’t get yourself out of at some point.”

He seemed stunned and confused, and she thought, that was a good thing. This shock would open his eyes and maybe make him a little less oblivious. Might make him realize a thing or two. Not that he wanted him to change drastically, but he needed to understand that someone like me as he had said before when she pointed out that some girl liked him, could be loved that way, too. Because he downgraded himself like that, because he referred to himself as someone like me, he would only keep hurting himself, too. He may not reciprocate her feelings, but she would always love him, even once the romantic feelings managed to return to only platonic love, and she didn’t want him to hurt no matter what.

He bit his lip, his gaze flickered. “Augusta, I...I don’t... How am I... Um... I’m sorry...”

“It’s fine. Like I said, I already knew. Just treat me like you always do. If you treat me any differently, it’s only going to make it more difficult for me to move on.” Not that it was going to be easy to have him act the way he usually did, and it probably wouldn’t be entirely easy for him to act normally either, but it would probably help. She had already been aware of his feelings for a long time. She had come to terms to them, and she could handle it. She could. Yet she wanted to be alone for a while, to return to her room. “Just do me the favor of seriously thinking over what I have told you. Everything of it. It’s important. Because you need to be aware of the different kinds of love that you feel as well.” Because he was an idiot, too. One of the biggest idiots that she had ever known. “Now, I need to wrap up my homework, but I will see you in class tomorrow. I believe we have a council meeting during lunch, don’t forget about it again.”

“Uh-yeah-okay-right-okay.”

She would be lying if she said that it wasn’t painful as she turned to leave, even though she had already been prepared for his reaction.

Chapter Text

The toe of Marin’s shoe tapped against the floor impatiently. The sound was loud in the large ballroom, as it wasn’t drowned out by countless people just yet, and she had forced herself to stop it several times, because it was inappropriate for a lady of bearing and class to show her impatience. Yet her foot started moving again as soon as she consciously stopped thinking about keeping it still. Ludwig had sent a note over to tell her that he wanted to speak to her and that he would try to arrive early to this party so as to not infringe on their respective duties during the festivities. They all had their roles to play, after all, and they could not appear too intimate, or rumours would spread. Marin’s foot stopped moving, and she tapped her closed fan to her cheek in contemplation. Hm, well, maybe it was time. She didn’t want to wait too long. But Ludwig was late, by his standards of early. And after she had gone through the effort of convincing her family to leave early because she was worried that they would be late. Going by car in this weather! You never knew what might happen! A tire could explode or the motor could fall out, and then how could they ever apologize for being late? Her mother had rolled her eyes at the silly logic presented by her daughter, but had nonetheless convinced her husband that if they did arrive before the party was set to start, he would have some time to discuss business with the Lord Leiningen. He did have dealings with the man, after all, and had certain things to discuss. The way mother had glanced over at Marin when she said that did not sit right with her.

Marin straightened up when she spotted the Liechtensteins, and traipsed over to greet them. There was a little bit of an age gap between Ludwig and his younger siblings, and the little ones had not seen much of the parts that she hid; they were more familiar with the frivolous side, heavily exaggerated at that, and she always laid it on heavy whenever she was in public. It was that side which her parents saw most as well, since it was her mother who had first told her that men were not interested in an intelligent woman, only in obedient little pretty flowers to decorate their arm and house with. Marin had found this to be mostly true, and she didn’t want to only be arm candy for some noble with an inflated ego and no respect for women’s opinions whatsoever. But she would do what she had to do to survive in this world, as they all would.

She managed to extract her childhood friend from the group after a while, and dragged him to the end of the corridor.

Marin slouched with effort into the window seat, ignoring the raised eyebrow Ludwig sent her way. She patted the seat with one hand, and once he obliged by sitting down beside her she smoothed out her skirts. “I hate corsets,” she muttered. She huffed. “Oh, don’t look so scandalous, or I’ll make you wear one.” Oh, his face. It was so funny. “One of my mother’s, you’re closer to her size than mine. I think she even has some from last century you could try.” By the last sentence, she had already snapped open her fan and was hiding her mischievous smile on her lips. Only Ludwig, being so close, would even see traces of it. She leaned in closer toward his ear, and said in a whisper, to exaggerate how scandalous a piece of gossip it was, “Did you know that both Augusta and Erika don’t wear corsets at all? Such daring, modern women.” It had more than the desired effect on Ludwig’s face, and Marin had to press her lips together and puff up her cheeks behind her fan so she didn’t bite her lips and ruin the lipstick her mother had only recently allowed her to start using in public, after Marin’s years-long campaign of nagging and practice. But he just looked so funny! He cleared his throat behind a fisted hand, and glared at her. “Enough of that. I did not ask to speak to you because I wanted to hear what underpinnings you ladies wear and don’t wear.” She nodded in agreement but still commented, “I want to try one of those flappy dresses from the Americas sometime.” His glare intensified. “I believe it was called flapper, not flappy, but don’t talk weird, woman.” She scoffed, imitating his expression down to the intensity of his frown. “And I did not believe you would know that, man.”
“Do you know how many of those magazines of yours that you have shoved in my face over the years?” She hummed. “Do you?” He huffed. “I stopped counting when we were twelve or so. I will tell you now before you get any ideas stuck in your head; I am never letting you use me as a dress-up doll ever again.” She puffed up her cheeks and pouted, but she knew he wouldn’t relent so easy, least not in public. “But you were so cute in my dresses.” She sighed at his intensified glare, then smiled prettily at him. “I shan’t speak of it for now. What was it that you wanted to talk with me about?” And he would have to make due with that. She settled her hands on top of her closed fan, in her lap, tilting her head in inquiry. For someone with an expression carved in stone, and for a guy who had just insisted that they should actually have a serious conversation instead of joking around, he looked incredibly bothered, like he didn’t actually want to talk about whatever it was that he wanted to talk about. He was like that, sometimes. Which meant that the topic was of a certain..sensitive and scandalous nature. “Should I take my thing while you decide what words to use?” He sent her another look. Had she not known him as well as she did, he would have looked only angry, but she saw the relief passing like a ghost across his face, barely there. “You have a thing do you?” Marin nodded.

She snapped open her fan again to hide her words from anyone who might be watching. “I’ve been thinking about this for a couple years now. Well, several years. It would be beneficial for both of us if we were to get married.”

Anyone could have read that expression as one of shock, surely. Maybe not. But it was so very visible, and he seemed to have some difficulties masking his surprise.

“I beg your pardon? I must have misheard you.”

She giggled and pretended that she was saying something silly, even though she wasn’t. This really was quite the serious topic. Her eyes were focused on her friend, and she noted that his shoulders had gotten even stiffer than they usually were. “I’m certain that you didn’t, unless you heard something else than me asking you to marry me.” He blinked quietly Stunned into silence. Not that the silence was unusual. The stunned part was, though. He had always been fairly good at foresight and predicting people. He had had to develop that skill, what with his position in society and people’s desire to use him. “We both know that we’ll have no choice but to marry at some point, and wouldn’t it then be better to just marry each other? We don’t need to hide ourselves from each other, and there would be no need to go behind each other’s backs and hope that the other won’t find out the truth, because we already know. See? Beneficial, right? On top of that,” she continued, as he sat quietly beside her still. “My father would never say no to having you as son-in-law; you’re one of the best matches in the country. And as for me as a match, I might not be as ideal as some other girls, but father have a good enough position, but not so good that your life will get threatened again. I hope you’ve had enough of that by now? Father wants me to marry an heir if possible, since he doesn’t only have daughters, so that makes it even easier to convince him of the match. And mother would be delighted. I’m sure your father would be pleased if you married someone you get along with, too?”

“I— Yes.” He sighed, and glanced out the window behind them. “You have thought about this for a while, you say?” She nodded and hummed, observing him and his face. He kept his eyes on the dark winter evening outside. “Why at this point in time? You could not have waited until after graduation?”

“I could have,” she mused. “But I’m pretty sure that father is trying to arrange a match for me with one of the Duke’s sons. I don’t want that. The youngest is over thirty. And father wants me to marry an heir. Mother doesn’t exactly seem opposed either. The heir’s had two wives already. Do you know that the gossip is that they don’t die by mistake? I mean it’s only a rumour but still, it’s not exactly a comforting rumour, and—”

“Marin.”

“Hm?”

“You are rambling.” He sighed. “I understand. You are in a rush. And your primary argument is not unattractive. It could certainly be... a... comfort... to have such an ally.” He turned his gaze back to the indoors and down the corridor. “And I... Recently it is, I have had certain... troubles on my mind. Regarding these things. This is hardly the venue to speak of it in detail but I have been... discovered.. By the Fräulein Augusta. She informed me thusly as she told me that she would be... having words, with Eduard.” He wasn’t looking at her. And she was well aware of what Ludwig spoke of when he said Augusta had words with Eduard. She had confessed her feelings to the boy and had been rejected. It had been painful to see Augusta be in pain like that, after. But she was surprised that Augusta had found Ludwig out. How would she even be able to tell Ludwig’s feelings, when her eyes were always— “Oh.” Barely noticeably, Ludwig flinched. “She won’t tell anyone,” Marin assured him. “I told her about me a while back, and she accepted me. And I’m certain that he will accept you for you as well.” He frowned at her, a confused furrow of eyebrows. “I asked him what he thought about it. In general terms, of course. I’ll tell you more about it at a later point but, I can assure you that he will not discard you for it. So if you choose to talk to him about it, you can be at ease with that, at least. His response otherwise might be harder to predict, but Augusta has hopefully triggered him to think things over.”

“And why is it that you seem to know, too? I haven’t told you that. I have barely figured that out for myself.” Toward the end, his voice was very quiet. She wanted to give him a hug but that was unacceptable in a setting like this. He would not forgive her for it. And he wasn’t too enthusiastic with physical contact. “Because I know you. And I approve.” Ludwig huffed out a half-hearted chuckle. “Well, I suppose I’ll have to be grateful for having a future wife who is so accepting of how twisted I am.”

She cursed the public setting in her mind, because she wanted to grab him by the shoulders and look him straight in the eyes as she spoke. “You are not twisted. You are perfect. This is not your fault and I love you no matter what. You’re probably my best friend, considering.” The corner of his mouth twitched upward just slightly. “I hardly think that claiming me as your best friend is going to do you any good. A silly bint is not supposed to have a serious lad for best friend. Or vice versa, for that matter.”

“But it’s perfectly acceptable in a married couple. People will be jealous. Lui, it’s understandable that you are afraid,” he turned his gaze back toward the window, scowling but not protesting. “But with this particular person, I don’t think you have to be.” He hummed, and turned his eyes to look into hers. “What frightens me the most, is that I seem to be feeling... things... to such an extent that I for a moment, moments... That the thought that I don’t care if people know passes through my mind... And then I get scared of myself as well.”

“Oh...” In her eyes, he looked so fragile, and truly frightened, when he said that. “I’m hugging you later,” she declared, and he winced only barely. But he knew that she would only hug him within absolute privacy. She continued, “It means that that’s simply how much you love him, I think.” She patted his hand, and he closed both his into fists. “I may not know him as well as some, but I know him well enough to know that I would trust him with my secret, and I know, also,” Her voice and her expression softened, and her fan went up again. “that I can trust him with yours and you, and to give you the love that you need. So I’ll love you like I always have, take care of you, help you fulfill your familial duties, and protect you from exposure.”

A breath of air that seemed to have been held in since the dawn of time came out of him. His shoulders relaxed, and the relief was clear. “I could not ask for better wedding vows.” A hint of a smile was on his lips. Then he smoothed out his expression, rose to his feet, and offered her a hand to help her up. She accepted it, and attached herself to his arm. “Our fathers seem to be in conversation at the moment, so should we go and tell them of this change right away?” He sighed and she was sure that he rolled his eyes in his mind. “I suppose that we should, before anybody spoils your oft-thought of plan.”

After the party at the Leiningen manor, Ludwig had had to call upon a jeweler that the family used, and had acquired rings for both Marin and himself. To make things official in a way that it had not been the last time that he got engaged; they had not instantly exchanged rings then, and in the end never had, because it had been a political conspiracy. It was strange to wear the simple gold band on his left ring finger right underneath his glove, which now didn’t fit him as well as it before had, and it was strange seeing one just like it on Marin’s.

They had avoided making it public just yet; the engagement would be announced at a ball held during new years at the palace, which Marin was not originally invited to, but as Ludwig’s intended, introductions had to be made. It would be announced officially there due to Ludwig’s relation to the King, and Marin was flitting about nervously as she tried to decide what to wear when she dropped by the Liechtenstein manor without warning with what just might be half of her wardrobe in tow. She came off as even more dizzying than she usually did, and it wasn’t even intentional. Advising her to calm down did not do him any favours, either.

Announcing their engagement to their friends was an odd thing. “That’s one hell of a Christmas celebration,” Eduard had said, though he had not made many more remarks on the subject; Orpheus seemed to be septic, certainly understanding that it was an arranged affair and not a love match, and since the lad didn’t know that Ludwig and Marin actually got on well beyond prying eyes, he was concerned about Marin’s happiness. Not that it wasn’t kind of him to be concerned for her, but there really was no need. This was, in the end, the best option for both him and for her. And it had been her suggestion. Camus didn’t outright say that he knew that they were friends in front of the others, but he seemed confident that they would manage just fine, and seemed to think that they had come up with a good solution for their situation; Naoji seemed uncertain how to react but had congratulated them nonetheless. Daniel and Nicolas both were amused, the former considerably more so than the latter, and Elmunt decided that if Camus believed in the decision, then he ought to do the same. Augusta seemed somewhat sceptic as well, and seemed to be particularly critical of Ludwig, though she didn’t actually put that opinion in words. Wilhelmine was over the moon with excitement and Ludwig considered that to be the reaction that was the strangest of them all.

They had gathered at Ludwig’s family’s mansion, on Marin’s behest because she was already starting to take over even though they would not marry until after they both had graduated; and as Marin was a year younger than Ludwig, that mean that it wouldn’t happen until in a year and a half. Ludwig’s father and siblings were away, visiting at Camus’ family to give the teenagers some time for themselves.

It was a few nights before the new year, and some of the guests had never been to any of Ludwig’s homes before. Inevitably, the future lady of the house was dragging them all around the mansion, pretending like she didn’t know every nook and cranny just as well as Ludwig did. But eventually the tour ended and they were able to rest their weary feet in front of a fire, even if Marin kept a never-ending conversation on all sorts of topics going. She was good at prattling on, and at least the people here knew that Ludwig wasn’t the most talkative; when he did speak he had chosen his words carefully — more carefully than anyone would know. So he mostly listened to the prattling and inane chatter, still not certain why exactly they were gathered like this in the first place. They could have told the others about the engagement later, once they were back at school, but apparently he was the only one with that opinion. “I don’t want them to learn about it through the newspaper!” Marin had told him, firm in her determination. Why at his house, and not hers? “Because my family is really annoying right now!” Apparently her mother was even more over the moon than anyone should ever be, or so the girl claimed. If she was excited at the prospect of her marrying one of Lord Leiningen’s sons, she was even more excited at having her daughter marrying the nephew of the king, as, even though Ludwig was son of the King’s sister and not his brother, that meant that she was marrying into a very influential family. Even more so because he was bound to become a Strahl after graduation. With Ludwig’s other uncle having disgraced himself and as a result his sons, who, just as their father, had been removed from the line of succession, Ludwig was left with the best position that Marin could ever wish to marry into.

Marin’s logic was sound. And he could certainly ask for no better either, at least the way he saw it, if you were to not only think in political terms. It would be infinitely easier to be married to somebody that he could trust, somebody that he knew would never reveal his secret no matter what. It was a weight off his shoulders, and a little less worry about the future.

Though there was still a considerable amount of worry on his mind and weight on his shoulders.

As unnoticeably as he was able Ludwig had watched Eduard as he and his sister detailed everything that had happened during Erika’s first visit at the Braunschweig manor since she was sent away. It wasn’t anything unusual for him to do so, to watch, though that was a realization that he had come to only when he accidentally caught Augusta’s gaze at the supper table that same night. He wasn’t able to determine for how long his gaze had drifted toward the other lad, even as he looked back upon his memories. Had it been years? He didn’t know. The boy had certainly stood out, from the moment that they had met that one time as children. Even if they had not met that time, he would have been noticeable; Eduard stood out among the students at Rosenstolz. He didn’t look like anyone else, nor did he act like any other. The only things that he had in common with his sister was their eyes, and their bright personalities. So as a result, Eduard tended to draw people’s eyes toward him, be they good or bad.

But he could not think too hard on it. Should not. Was allowed it, just a little. It was strange, he thought. Being accepted by even one person. Marin accepted him because she was wrong as well, but Augusta wasn’t, as far as Ludwig knew.

After everyone had drifted off the the guest bedrooms which had been readied for them, Ludwig slipped out onto the wide stone balcony. The cold winter night felt pleasant against his warm skin; Ludwig leaned against the stone railing, and listened to the silence, eyes turned toward the endless stretches of land, darkness only lit up by a few lanterns here and there in the distance.

The sound of the door opening disrupted the calm quiet, and Ludwig looked over his shoulder. “You locked yourself out again,” Eduard remarked, both amusement and concern in his voice. Ludwig huffed, leaning heavier against his arms. Why was he joining him again? When it was both a place where he had almost caught him having a panic attack, and when it was on a balcony that they had first met. “Were you intending to be the one getting locked out this time?” Eduard leaned against the wall and Ludwig turned around so he could see him. The other boy’s face was partly shadowed, with the light coming from the other side of the glass and stone, but it hit the sides of his face, making the curve of his cheeks, his skin, to glow. Ludwig felt something cold against his neck, and he looked up. Eduard followed suit, and the smile was audible in his voice. “It’s snowing.”

Why did he have to do that?

The snowflakes were caught in the light from the corridor, and filtered slowly between them. Ludwig was hardly the type to wax poetic, but the image was ethereal...ephemeral.. He didn’t know. Both words caught partway between half-formed ant not there. He lightly bit the inside of his lower lip.

"Before the day that we met at your father's mansion, did we meet?"

Eduard blinked in surprise. His eyes were so very green. It was like they reflected the nature that he was out in so much, all year round. The summer, the spring, was caught in those eyes. Autumn burned in his skin. “That’s sudden. You think so? I’d not been living with father for very long when we met; Erika had only recently been sent away, then. So if we did, I’d have still been living with mom or in the gutter.” Ludwig almost flinched. Imagining his friend as one of those filthy, homeless people living on the street was far more painful than he thought it would be. “I see..” He wondered where it was that he might have seen him before. But it was that way. He felt that it had happened, though he couldn’t place it. Eduard hummed, pulled his shoulders up and forward for a moment, stretching the muscles in them, and he pursed his lips thoughtfully. “I was a paperboy for a while, maybe I sold you a paper? Erika was a flower girl, too.” Ludwig frowned. “Perhaps so... Were you not still young when the marquis took you in?” Eduard’s head tipped to the side. “Yeah? But we were poor, so to help put food on the table and pay the rent, all of us pulled our weight. It was necessary for us to work.”

“That sounds... rough...” He believed that was the right word. He felt out of his depth, even hearing only a little about how different life was for him before. Eduard smiled at him, a longing and a sadness making it seem fragile. “Perhaps, but I would do anything for either of them. That will never change.” Ludwig turned his gaze down, and then back up again. “You really are a good person.”

A corner of Eduard’s mouth quirked upwards. “That so?” He crossed the short distance between them, and Ludwig felt his hand on his head. “You’ll become a snowman if you stay away from the roof, Lui.” Ludwig felt his skin burn.

"Your face is a little red, you're not catching a cold, are you? Be careful so you don’t get sick"

Thank God for how oblivious Eduard could be. On the other hand, damn how oblivious Eduard could be. Eduard pressed his palm against Lui's forehead, presumably to see if he had a fever, and Ludwig felt his face heat up further. Despite how good he was at controlling his emotions, how he had been slowly regaining his mask, he could apparently not suppress the blush entirely. "I don't think you have a fever but perhaps you should go to bed?"

"Yes," Ludwig grasped Ed's wrist and pulled the hand away from his face. “I believe that I will.”

But he didn’t do that.

Instead he did something that would shock him, would mortify him mere seconds after his action. That would frighten him and make him want to flee.

He cornered himself, forced himself to face his emotions, when he grasped the front of Eduard’s shirt, when he leaned in close, when he faintly pressed their lips together.

Chapter Text

The lips against his were firm. Soft but firm. At that exact moment he couldn’t recall why, but he did remember when he, as a child, had shared a kiss with Marin. It had probably been a game. It had been strange and felt off to him. That was what he recalled. How different it was, how he had not liked it for various reasons— and how warm he felt from this much lighter, much briefer kiss.

Ludwig stilled, frozen just a breath away from Eduard. He had suddenly grown very cold, and he was very, very frightened. Eduard would never tell on him, Ludwig was sure— he was sure but that didn’t stop him from fearing that he still might. But even more that that he feared how his actions and his feelings would affect their relationship. He didn’t want to lose Eduard’s friendship so why did he have to go and do this?

“Lu-L-Lui, what-...” Eduard’s voice cut off; the silence of the night sucked the air out of him, from them both, it looked like. Somehow Eduard managed to look pale in the darkness of the night and the shadows cast from the lights in the corridor. But the stuttered few words broke Ludwig out of his petrified state and he took a hasty step back. His heel caught against a slightly protruding stone in the floor, and he stumbled a step. He probably would have regained his balance had Eduard not tried to catch him. As a result, they both stumbled, and Ludwig managed to catch himself against the balcony rail. It pressed into his back. Eduard was so very close, staring at him with his wide, fresh-cut-grass colored eyes. Ludwig could feel the presence of Eduard’s arms on either side of his body, as he supported himself against the rail. He didn’t touch him, but Ludwig couldn’t help being extremely conscious of Eduard’s entire presence so close to him.

Eduard’s trailing voice was startlingly loud in the cold winter night, even though it wasn’t loud at all. “So this is, ummm, what about...?” Ludwig stared at him in quiet disbelief for several long moments, where the only thing heard was the illusion of the snow making sound as it fell slowly to the ground and settled on the ground. Then with a deep sigh, Ludwig dropped his forehead down onto Eduard’s shoulder. “Careful so your soul don’t escape.” Ludwig looked up again at Eduard’s words, which sounded more like a hesitant reflex, than anything that he had actually intended to say. “...Pardon?”

“Mom used to say. So did grandma, she said. Something about the Devil stealing your soul if you let it escape with your breath, I don’t know where it comes from, she ended up in all sorts of places.” Ludwig’s fingers grasped at the bottom of the rail, and he seeped in the chill through his palms past his gloves. He didn’t know if Eduard getting distracted from commenting on the kiss was a good thing or a bad thing. But he couldn’t let the subject rest. If he let it rest, he would go around being terrified for the rest of his life. His fingers clenched tighter around the stone. “Eduard.” He didn’t dare look at him, but he could feel Eduard’s gaze upon him; he needed to look at him, needed to face his own actions. “Are you being deliberately obtuse?”

Intense and focused. Startling. Large green eyes, made larger by how wide they had grown.

“Obtu— No!” Eduard quieted his voice after the short outburst. “No I’m not- not intentionally-” He gnawed at his lip and Ludwig’s gaze slipped down toward the teeth and soft skin. Ludwig felt his face heat up and he forced his gaze to move back up. “It does seem like I’m obtuse, I’ll admit, and I haven’t been aware of it, but it’s really not intentional. I’m just not good at the whole romance thing, it appears. Is that- Is that what this is?”

Eduard didn’t sound accusatory, or disgusted, or judgmental, and yet Ludwig felt utterly humiliated. He looked back down toward the virtually nonexistent space between their bodies. “It is.” Eduard shifted, switching foot to rest his weight on; their bodies brushed up against each other for a brief moment. Ludwig shivered. “We should go inside, if you’re cold.” Of course he would notice that. Darkness was prickling at his vision. “I’m fine. I’m not cold and I don’t have a fever. But if you’re going to keep getting distracted, I want to go inside. It’s been a long day and I need to sleep.” He did need to sleep. More than that, he needed to hide, to be alone. And on the other hand, he wanted to go be told that everything was going to be alright, and he didn’t know if it would help if it was by anyone but Eduard, but he knew that he would have to make due with Marin. “I’m sorry.”

Eduard backed away. “I don’t mean to be distracted. I’m sorry. I’m a huge bother with my obliviousness, aren’t I? I know I am, sorry, I’m just not any good at this and I never noticed, it seems I never do, I’m— ow-..!” Eduard had continued to awkwardly back away, and had continued to back away until he reached the door; if didn’t open when he pressed down the handle and he squashed his hand between the wood and his back. He spun around, to press the handle down repeatedly. “It seems we both got locked out this time,” the lad chuckled awkwardly. Ludwig could see the tenseness in his shoulders. He had ruined things, then. Put a strain on it. He was an idiot. He was supposed to be good at everything that he did, but he could not keep true friends, it seemed. Perhaps he didn’t deserve them. He certainly didn’t deserve Eduard, that became more and more apparent. His head hurt. His fingers hurt. His chest hurt. His eyes hurt. His vision was blotched with darkness. His cheeks were very warm. His chest felt really tight. “Lui!”

Staring him right in the face once more was Eduard. His palms were the warmth on Ludwig’s cheeks, pressed tightly to them. “Breathing, easy, it’s okay, it’s alright, it’s okay. All my ducklings,” Eduard suddenly started to sing, quietly, softly. “swimming on the lake, swimming on the lake, heads in the water, little tails up in the air.” He leaned their foreheads together, and kept his hands against Ludwig’s cheeks. Why was Eduard’s hands shaking? He must be imagining it. “All my little doves, sitting on the roof, sitting on the roof, clipper, clapper, clap, clap, they fly over the roof.” Ludwig realized that the one shaking wasn’t Eduard. His voice was even, steady, sure, gentle. His breathing calm. Ludwig closed his eyes and focused on listening, rather than on the darkness in his vision attempting to drag him down. “All my chickens, scratching in the straw, scratching in the straw, find a little grain, they’re all happy.” As the unfamiliar song passed in the small space between the two of them, Ludwig felt how the tightness in his chest slowly eased, just a little bit. His body stopped shaking, and his fingers relaxed around the rail. His fingers still hurt from how tightly he had gripped it. “All my goslings, waddle across the ground, waddle across the ground, search in the pond, become round like a ball.” The song tuned out into a quiet humming, Eduard’s thumbs gently rubbed against Ludwig’s cheekbones. His skin was more worn than any aristocrat’s skin ought to be. It felt pleasant against Ludwig’s cold skin. “I’ll get us back inside, okay? Can you wait for me for a few minutes, Lui?”

It was only after some moments after Ludwig had mutely nodded that Eduard slipped his hands from his face. Ludwig opened his eyes and realized that the darkness had retreated. It was still close by, the way that it always had been, but it was kept at bay by residue warmth on his cheeks, the memory of a breath on his face, and the echo of an unfamiliar children’s song in his ears.

Ludwig looked on in surprise as Eduard climbed over the rail to the outside of it, and saw him disappear out of sight. “Eduard,” Ludwig called, and he saw Eduard’s head appear above the edge of the floor once more. “Yeah?” Ludwig went over to the section of the rail where the other lad was clambering on to. “I’m sorry.” Eduard blinked in surprise. Snowflakes were stuck in his hair, tiny specks of glistening white in the auburn set in darkness. “....What for?” Ludwig’s fingers clenched to that part of the railing. “For ruining things.”

In a haste, Eduard pulled himself back up onto the railing, and he was once more face to face with Ludwig and so close. “That’s not true. You haven’t. But we’re having this conversation indoors, alright? In a few minutes. Okay?” Ludwig pulled in a breath, and nodded again. Eduard stayed a heartbeat longer, and then climbed downward, eventually simply dropping into the snow. He really was a nimble young man. Watching him was certainly never unpleasant. Ludwig rubbed his hands across his face, frustration with himself boiling up among all the other feelings that he didn’t want to have. When he peeked past his fingers, Eduard had disappeared into the darkness. Maybe it would be better if he simply forgot about him, and let him freeze to death. Not that he would, but maybe it would be better.

Warmth pushed back the darkness— or maybe it was simply the hallway light that he was pulled into. The balcony door closed behind him, shutting out the winter night. They stood still, Eduard’s hands grasping Ludwig’s lightly, and Eduard’s mouth pressed to his shoulder. He could feel the cold of the melting snow and the warmth of his lips mingle as they seeped through his shirt. He could only hope that he wasn’t shivering again, because he couldn’t tell. Eduard’s face slid along his shoulder, and his eyes rested against it instead. Ludwig’s shirt strained his back. “I’d never even considered that somebody might like me— like me like me. I’m proud of where I come from and I will never deny where I’m from, even though my whole existence is a whole scandal and crime. But there’s, things haven’t always been easy. Confidence in different parts, and the like. Sorry. It’s just been a lot to take in for the last few months. And knowing it from you is, well, shocking— forgive me if I’m wrong. I thought you’d started to suddenly start to hate me. So I was happy that you invited me here today. Even if I figured it might be at Marin’s behest, it certainly seems like the gathering in itself is. But still. Why—” He cut himself off and pulled away when the sound of a lock turning was heard loudly in the long corridor.

“Oh. Sorry,” a voice said, and they both looked over to Augusta, who stood with surprise on her face in the doorway to her guest room, several doors down. “I was going to catch some air but it seems I interrupted.” She closed the door behind her as she left the room fully. Ludwig started to drift, and in the presence of another, Eduard could not really stop him. “It is no matter. Good night.” He could feel their gazes burn against his skin as he left, retreating around a corner. He could hear them talk, though among the few words that he could discern the clearest thing was Eduard warning Augusta about the habitual deadlocking balcony door. He heard the balcony door open, he heard the murmur of voices fade, and he slipped over to one of the doors, thankfully out of sight even if it wasn’t out of earshot.

Marin blinked bleary eyes at him, after realizing that it only was him and nobody embarrassing to be seen without some primping. He slipped into the room, and Marin closed the door and locked it behind him. She joined him on the bed, pulling her legs up underneath her and into her frivolous, frilly nightgown. He didn’t so much as glance over at her when she started picking at his hair and sectioning off a piece, and she started to brush it. “You told him?” she asked. He folded his legs in front of him, hesitated but she was not dangerous to tell anything to. “Not exactly.” He felt her work on a stubborn tangle. “Hm?” His shoulders felt tight and tense. But it had always been nice to have another person take care of his hair. “But he knows.” He felt her pause, just briefly, and then resume brushing. “What did he say?” Her voice was careful, but somehow confident at the same time. “I don’t know yet.” She patted him sympathetically on the head, then returned to the brush and his hair. She pursed her lips, or he imagined that she did, when he dropped down on his stomach and pulled a pillow close.

Eduard let out a long, deep sigh, and pressed his burning face against the balcony rail. Augusta peered down at him where he was sitting in a crouch, a bit amused, a bit perplexed, but ostly amused much to Eduard’s confusion, from where her hand was propping up her chin. “So I take it that it would have been better if I had stayed in my room.” He glanced up at her, shifted his head to press a cheek against the stone. “Why do you think that?”

“He was finally talking to you, wasn’t he?” Oh God this supposedly freezing-cold stone did nothing to fend off the heat. “Dunno what you’re talkin’ about,” he retorted. She huffed, still sounding far too amused. “I told him that I was going to talk to you about my feelings for you.” Eduard tensed unwillingly at the reminder. He still felt guilty about that. She said she was fine with his answer, and that she had known how he would react, but that didn’t make it less painful, he thought. Not that he knew, because he had never confessed any form of actual attraction toward anyone, but he could imagine that even if one was prepared, being turned down must be painful. And when you had such bad luck as to fall for a person like him- “I told him because I knew you both need somebody to give you a figurative kick in the rear. Though I could give you a literal one as well.” She ignored his quiet, “Oh God,” and she continued over his panicked murmurs. “You need to get past your denial and figure yourself out. Both of you. Because the way you two have acted these past months is only making both of you miserable.”

“Denial? What denial? I’m not in denial, I’m very down-to-earth and straight-forward and—”

“You’re rambling.” She pulled dropped her hand down to the rail, away from her face. “You’re in denial because you keep devaluing yourself. You do it constantly and I understand, it’s because your stepmom kept putting you down, and because of all the insults people has turned your way, and it’s not easy to have good confidence then most of the people around you keep putting you down, but you shouldn’t listen to them. Don’t devalue yourself like that. Believe in yourself more. Because they’re wrong. Constructive criticism is one thing, that’s something anyone should listen to, but lies are not. So-” He jumped when she shoved a finger in his face, and he tipped over, ended up sitting on the balcony floor. “The lies that they have told you, particularly the ones that make you think that you’re not worth the love people give you, be it platonic or romantic, they’re absolute bullshit.” She ignored him repeating her use of bullshit because she so rarely swore. “You’re worth loving more than any of those stuck-up, self-centered shitstains-” what was happening “-who couldn’t hold a candle to you. You may have flaws but so does everybody- and your flaws are part of your charm, and your strengths far outweighs your flaws. You’re a good person, the kindest person that I know, and you’re worth so much more than you believe that you’re worth.”

He stared up at her, the shock at the swear words ebating— they weren’t even a big deal, he was just not used to hearing them from her (though he would honestly be way more shocked if Orphe or Camus were to swear— but the words, the substance of her words, slowly sank in, and he felt the protests on the tip of his tongue, flaws, negativities, failures, everything that made him worth less. There were parts of himself that he would never feel anything but pride in. His mother. His grandmother. His sister. They were part of him and he would always be proud of them and his connection to them. But him— He wasn’t worthy of her praise.

But those protests would not go down well with her, he was sure. She had surprised him with a lot of strange lectures, recently. Not that she was wrong— she probably wasn’t wrong. It was just difficult for him to accept something like this (him, worth more than all those aristocrats? No way, there was no way) and he felt.. He felt lost. He pushed himself up off the ground, and slipped over the railing. “Leave the door for me, please?”

Augusta seemed to have seen the distracted look in his eyes. Wordlessly, she nodded. Smiled a slight smile at him. He climbed down to the ground for the second time that evening, and shuffled through the snow toward the darkness of the gardens. He needed to process her words. He needed silence, and he needed to be alone. He needed to think.

He stopped by a frozen, quiet fountain, and sat down on the edge. The stone it was carved out of was freezing. He drew a deep breath, letting the biting chill clear his head.

His confidence was an issue, he had known that for a long time. He knew that the way his stepmother looked at him, how she spoke to and about him, had an impact on him. He cared more about the impact that he had on her, though. She had been miserable because of him for so many years. They were patching things up slowly, now, even Erika had been allowed to visit during the holiday, which he considered a miracle.

He brushed a hand against the fountain, and felt his fingers touch ice.

His flaws were fewer than his worth. His worth was bigger than he thought. “Hahah...” It sounded so strange. It was so strange to be told that. Her opinion must be skewed. Just like it was skewed to make her think that she was romantically interested in him. ...Right? She had insisted and Augusta had always been very sure of herself, but it couldn’t be like that. ...Right? Right? His life didn’t have such an importance upon anything.

He almost tipped into the fountain. With a sigh, he deliberately laid down in the large stone bowl. The night sky spread out above him, stars far far away as far as the eye could see.

She had to be wrong. There was no way— Quietly, he laughed; it was bitter sounds, containing a slight shiver. There was no way that someone like Augusta, a kind, intelligent, witty woman with a high position, could like him like that for real. No matter how many times that he thought about her words, over the months since she had first told him, he couldn’t entirely believe it. (But she had never ever lied to him, had she?) She was too smart, too good, to like him like that. Liking somebody like him— liking him like that—

And now it seemed like Ludwig might be under the same delusions. Ludwig! Out of all people! Why? What could Ludwig possibly gain from that? Confident, smart, sophisticated, nephew of the King, and something like third in line to the Throne Ludwig. Liking a person like Eduard. A rough-around-the-edges bastard, who only was an aristocrat due to circumstance, a mess like him. Why, how, where did that delusion come from? Even if Eduard believed it and took a chance, there was no way that it was real. He must have misinterpreted their words. What did he know about romantic love? Absolutely nothing. He had never ever been romantically interested in anyone, and even though he had had sex, he had never actually felt sexual attraction toward anyone, either. There was something wrong with him, and he shouldn’t go around thinking that he was special to anyone— She told him that he should believe in himself more, that he shouldn’t devalue himself— But that wasn’t what this was— ....Right? God, he didn’t know.

He didn’t think that it was real but wanting if he allowed himself to dream? Would it hurt so much? He still needed to talk tp Ludwig, needed to get some answers from him but without expecting things like romantic love from him.

Could he pretend, though? He didn’t understand why he wanted to pretend. He didn’t understand why the thought of Ludwig being delusional was so much more suffocating in a way that the thought of Augusta being delusional was. Maybe it was because of the time that had passed since he had first come to that conclusion. Yeah, that had to be it.

Except that didn’t feel right. It was true that the pain had settled a little, regarding Augusta. But it wasn’t even from the start as intense as the conclusion of Ludwig being delusional was. The cold of the ice was burning through his shirt, burning through his jeans, burning bis bare palms.

—a distance.

He remembered distance, mist, confusion.

He remembered tears stuck in long lashes, tears staining flushed cheeks.

He remembered broken words, a shaking body, hands clinging tightly to cloth.

He remembered a vague and amused smile.

He remembered sharp eyes and quick wit.

He remembered a few strands of hair stuck to eyelashes.

He remembered a quiet, tired smile and soundless snores.

He remembered softness and warm skin—

“Oh fucking Hell-shitting God.”

He pressed the heels of his palms against his eyes, and he pulled his legs up, bent toward the sky.

It was just a theory. He didn’t actually know if it was real but shit, what if he was right?

He really didn’t understand this whole romantic love thing. But, what if it was like that? That- that- what would he do with that sort of thing? He would never have a chance with any person that he might like.

He remembered shivering lips against his, and a rush in his ears, his heart pounding.

Was this love? He didn’t know. But it was incredibly painful, and he felt more lost, more uncertain with himself than ever.

Chapter Text

In the early hours of morning, Ludwig was slipping through the corridors of his home. He was on his way back to his own room, finally, after having spent the night in Marin’s room with few words of importance exchanged between them. They had not spoken about trivial things like feelings, and that was fine, he had been in a desperate need to think of something else, something that wouldn’t drag him down into the pits of despair. She had quickly started chattering on about inane things like clothes and gossip, and had eventually started talking about her different ideas for their wedding, an inane chatter that he took note of but didn’t much engage in. That was fine with her too, she knew him well and knew he was not much of a talker, nor overly fond of talking about what was really going on in his mind, and she could tell when he needed something else to focus on. And they had plenty of time to discuss the details of their wedding. She passed through his hair with brush and comb several times to make sure all the tangles were gone, climbed across him more than once to get to it all, and slid down his back as she collected everything into a single thick braid which now coiled over his shoulder like a comforting companion. He had brushed and braided her hair as well, a repetitive task that let him simply stop thinking for a little while, as she still chattered on, moving on to different wedding dress designs she had seen in some magazine or other, promising to show him the pictures later, and she spoke of ideas for how they might decorate the venues they would be using, because she already had ideas for where they might hold the different parts of the event as well. Marriage had been on her mind far longer than it had been on his, as a woman, and in a different way; while he had dreaded, even feared, marriage, she had planned on how to make the best out of her situation. He felt her pat his head in unspoken sympathy, as he fell asleep under her sheets with her mumbling words he beside him, too tired to go to his own room at the time. When he had woken up she had been protectively curled around him, and she had patted him with bleary eyes and a large yawn on the arm when he untangled himself.

He didn’t have to sneak around. This was his home and Marin was now his affianced, so it didn’t matter if he visited her room as much as it had before she proposed to him. It had been one thing when they had been children, but as they grew older they had be be more surreptitious about it. Perhaps because they kept their friendship a secret to not be inconvenienced by rumours, he nonetheless felt uncomfortable to walk in or out of her room, and thus wanted to make his way to his own chambers while nobody would be awake.

He was not so lucky, and he cursed his bad luck when a hand patted him on the shoulder, and he startled so badly that he felt like he might jump right out of his skin. “Eduard! What in the world!”

“Hey.” That was not a proper response. Though maybe it hadn’t been a proper question either. The lad seemed to be a bit subdued, and it was without a single word that he pulled Ludwig into the guest room allotted to him. Even inside the room, his hand remained on Ludwig’s wrist. It felt a little cold. “Were you lying in wait to ambush me all night?”

“Maybe.” He drew in a sharp breath of air. “Why did you avoid me?” Eduard’s voice held dread. He nearly sounded as if he didn’t really want to know the answer to the question. It was sudden, direct, and a blade pressing past his ribs.

Ludwig was silent, his gaze locked on the hand around his wrist, the stark contrast of their skin— Ludwig always looked even paler in comparison to the lovely brown of Eduard’s skin— and the sensation the touch caused. His skin both burned and tingled, despite the palm’s chill, and he wanted to experience more of it.

How was he supposed to answer that question? It was a scary question, with a terrible answer if he were to tell the truth. But he had already started down that road—

“Because.....” Ludwig hesitated, but there really was no turning back. That was why he had chosen to put himself into this corner, though it really seemed like a disastrous decision. “It was that, romance thing-.. I—“ His gaze locked on the hollow of Eduard’s throat, the gap in his collar and sliver of skin visible, his adams apple and his breath. “I suddenly realized how strongly I felt for you, and it frightened me. I didn’t know how to react or what to think of it, I wanted it to go away if I could help it and was hoping that it would if I avoided you. After all it’s not exactly... sane.”

Eduard took a long, deep breath, loud in Ludwig’s ears and he only saw the way his chest expanded with the air and how he swallowed, and the thought that this was the end passed through Ludwig’s mind. He never should have let Augusta get into his head. He never should have admitted to his feelings in the first place, not even to himself. Maybe if he hadn’t, they really would eventually go away. If only he had been a little more patient, then maybe. But hoping that was probably going to lead to the same result as hoping that his attraction toward men would go away. A whole lot of nothing and even more self-loathing.

“Yeah, it’s not.” The few, quiet words made Ludwig flinch, and he made a motion to pull his wrist out of Eduard’s grip. He tried to, but he failed. Eduard had a very strong grip. Perhaps from all those hours spent working with horses. Perhaps from propr to that. He seemed to have been a good climber from the moment that they met, easily making way up onto that balcony years ago.

Eduard continued speaking, his voice quiet and unsure, and Ludwig stilled in silent shock. “I don’t get it- Someone like you liking someone like me at all is confusing to me so this is a mystery, I don’t-... Can’t understand how that could be real. It’s gotta be that- you have to be mistaken.”

Slowly, Ludwig looked up, confused and surprised. “What?” That was not something that he had expected to hear. Condemnation— Maybe not entirely, maybe not really, not from this lad, but still. And at the same time, he felt dismayed at not being entirely believed. Even though it would have been preferable if it really was one big mistake. Not being taken seriously when he was taking such a risk— His hands clenched into fists formed out of frustration. “I am completely certain,” he said, and it wasn’t until he was far into his words that he realized how sharp his voice was. Even though he should agree, pretend that it was all a joke, he simply couldn’t pretend. But it wasn’t solely because of that. “I am most definitely attracted to you, and no matter how you may perceive yourself, you are a brilliant person who don’t deserve to have a cold, antisocial person like me like you because you deserve someone equally brilliant. I like you, because of who you are, despite your reputation, because you are kind, and clever, and complicated, and because I don’t understand you and because I enjoy engaging in conversation with you, because you are able to put yourself into situations in ways none of us could, because- because you’re you and I’m not making this up-!” Ludwig pressed his lips tightly together, trying to force his breath to calm, but only pressing tighter to the walls of his lungs. He only realized then that he had started to sound somewhat desperate. And then he realized that Eduard had released his hold on Ludwig’s wrist finally, and that he was sitting on the floor, peering up at him past his arms with the most awkward, unreadable expression in his eyes that Ludwig had ever seen him wear.

Ludwig’s chest heaved as if he had been running.

For a long while, the two simply looked at each other, watchful and nervous, unsure of what to say and what to do.

“I really am sorry,” Ludwig finally managed. He took a few steps, and slid down the wall beside Eduard. He wasn’t comfortable sitting on the floor, but that barely crossed his mind at that moment. “I didn’t mean to fall for you, I know it complicates things, but it really was not intentional. Now that I do though, I have understood that I don’t- or rather that I can’t, keep quiet about it, to you.”

“You don’t have to be sorry for that. It confuses me, yeah, but you don’t have to apologize for it.”

“I do though, We’re both men and that’s—”

“Doesn’t matter.”

Ludwig looked over at Eduard, and his lips pressed even more tightly together, and it wasn’t that he was surprised but he still was.

“That I’m a man?”

“Yeah, it doesn’t matter. I didn’t even think of that.”

He didn’t even— Ludwig gazed at him, silend for a long stretch of time. “You’re the strangest man that I have ever met.”

Eduard chuckled, and it was a strangely bitter sound. The tone made Ludwig uncomfortable; he felt surprisingly unsettled by hearing that tone in his friend’s voice.

“I guess that’s what you meant by it not being sane.” Eduard murmured after a while. “It is though. I mean, I have a problem understanding why anyone at all would have feelings for me, but you’re sane. Just because something isn’t seen as acceptable doesn’t mean it’s insane. You just love differently, that’s all. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s normal.” Normal.. His teeth worried at his lower lip, and Ludwig’s gaze was drawn to it, and to the way his eyelashes were cast over his eyes, only a sliver of green visible in the growing morning light. “I don’t get myself, you know. I mean, this whole love thing is complicated. I’ve never even considered what my preferences might be even though I’ve had sex with men befo— Your expression is amazing.”

Ludwig pressed his hands to his face, wondering what sort of expression he was wearing to make Eduard make such a comment and such an expression of wondrous amusement. Scandaled shock, maybe. He had thought about sex- of course he had. It was something that he found himself unable not to think of with fear and dread and want and self-loathing. But he didn’t speak of it, nobody spoke of it, and he had never wondered if Eduard had slept with anyone and least of all if he had slept with other men— Maybe he had, a little bit. Never seriously, it probably had been nothing more than the most fleeting of thoughts. But never had he thought— “Just because you never get embarrassed and find no issue with speaking of such scandalous topics doesn’t mean other people don’t get embarrassed, Ed.”

“I’m embarrassed,” Eduard stated, far matter-of-factly. Ludwig narrowed his eyes, watching the other lad past his fingers. “I highly doubt that.” Eduard puffed up his cheeks with air. He reached out, he grasped Ludwig’s hands and pried them away from his face, and he peeled off his gloves, both of them. Then he pressed Ludwig’s hands against his face- Eduard’s cheeks were burning hot. “Just because it’s not visible the way it is on your face doesn’t mean I’m not, it’s just it doesn’t really show with my skin tone.”

“Is that- normal...?” He realized how rude that sounded as he asked. Eduard wasn’t offended. Somehow. Why was he never offended? Or rather, why did he never show that he was offended, when it came to himself? When he could be so offended on the behalf of others. “I’ve never met anyone with my skin or anywhere near it, so I wouldn’t know.” He pressed his palms against the back of Ludwig’s hands. “I’ve been thinking a lot, these past months. It just kept going ‘round in my head without getting anywhere, though. Because no matter what, I can’t understand it. It’s how I was raised. Not by mom, she always taught us to be open minded and kind and- so much, but mother- because of me she was so unhappy, and she showed it constantly so, it’s part of me but- but I did think that- I didn’t really,” His gaze was turned down at the ground, his hands tightening against Ludwig’s. “want it to be a delusion on your part.”

Ludwig’s fingers twitched against Eduard’s heated skin, he stared and he swallowed and his hands pressed closer to Eduard’s face to seep in the warmth hidden in it. He didn’t want Ludwig’s feelings to be a delusion? So then- At an impulse, because the words caught on his tongue and threatened to choke him, Ludwig moved, turned Eduard’s face toward him, and pressed their lips together. Moments later, a hair's breadth away, he asked, “So is this- is this alright?” Eduard grasped Ludwig’s hands fully, pulled them from his face, and continued holding them close in his grasp. “Yeah. It’s perfectly alright. It was a bit of a shock when you did it before and it’s not really anything I’d thought about before, but it’s not unpleasant.”

That was another thing that was embarrassing to hear. “Have you slept at all tonight?” Why was he avoiding the subject now? Now that he could— He had suddenly, now that he was so close, seen that Eduard seemed to have vague shadows under his eyes. Eduard blinked repeatedly, a quick clip of eyelashes, and he let out a startled laugh. “That’s out of the blue.” Ludwig pursed his lips, critically eyeing Eduard, masking his nervosity with an examining expression. “Well?” Another chuckle. “Yeah, I haven’t slept. My mind’s been all over the place, and I needed to talk to you now, before even more time passes. Ah-” He looked up as Ludwig stood. Ludwig tugged at the hands that he still held, that still held his. “Try to catch some sleep before breakfast, then.”

“Ah.. Would you like to stay? That expression seems to say ‘yes’, but am I right?” The corners of Ludwig’s lips twitched. “You’re right. I’d like to stay, at least for a while. Though you don’t have to- Oh.” Eduard pressed a kiss just by his eyelid, chin brushing against the side of his nose. He hummed, as Ludwig’s face heated up further. “Mm, yeah, I think I like doing that.” Ludwig sputtered. Eduard pulled him along to the bed, pushed away the covers, and pulled Ludwig in underneath them with him. He didn’t pull him in close, but he certainly tucked him in with care. “Ah, right, is this alright?” Ludwig was fairly amused at the belated reaction. “Yes. It’s alright. Eduard?” Ludwig could feel the questioning tone in Eduard’s humming against his forehead. “Why do you keep kissing me like that?” Eduard hummed some more, pressing another kiss to Ludwig’s cheek, and then pressed one lightly to his lips. Ludwig slapped him lightly in the chest, once he sadly- once he finally broke the kiss. “Ed.”

Eduard nuzzled Ludwig’s hairline and ear with his nose like some kind of silly puppy- maybe horse was more appropriate since Eduard loved them so much, and Ludwig could feel his smile against his skin as he pressed another kiss to it. “Just trying to get used to the thought that it’s alright if I love you a bit differently from what I’m used to.”

Ludwig pressed together his lips tightly, and ducked his head in toward Eduard’s chest. “Do you?” Eduard’s fingers slipped through some loose hair not stuck in Ludwig’s braid. “Yeah. Be patient with me though, I only figured that out a few hours ago, so I’m still figuring things out. And, um, well, see, there’s this thing...” Ludwig tilted his head back, to look up into Eduard’s face. “I’ve never figured out my preferences because I don’t, well I don’t really have any interest or need for sex, which is not really normal so, I don’t, really have myself figured out. I mean it’s not like I hate it, I’ll still- if you want to I’ll still have it but I won’t.. initiate..”

“That’s fine with me, you don’t have to worry. It’s not like I constantly crave it- nor have I ever, um, had i- had sex. And if it’s supposedly natural to be sexually attracted to people of the same gender, then why would it be unnatural not to really feel sexual attraction at all?” He felt Eduard’s hand rub the top of his head, and a kiss placed close above his forehead. “There’s your blessed logic. Thanks, Lui.”

“Blessed?” Ludwig huffed out the word. “My logic? I’m not even- I’m an atheist.” Perhaps it wasn’t as dangerous to say that, but it would certainly ruin any chance at getting a position among the Strahl, if the church ever heard of him saying that. Eduard, however, only pressed another kiss to his hair, and calmly stated, “I’m not really a believer either. But I still think that you just got out some blessed logic, so that’s what I’m gonna call it.”

“You’re ridiculous,” Ludwig murmured, quietly fond of that ridiculousness. Eduard smiled at him, brushed another kiss to Ludwig’s skin, and he pulled back, intertwined their fingers together. It was awkward to feel his gaze upon him, and Ludwig couldn’t close his eyes until Eduard had done so first. It took a long time before he was able to fall asleep, thoughts racing and heart pounding, and he couldn’t help looking at the hand clasping his on top of the duvet.

Ludwig was woken up with a start, and he had to wonder how Eduard could keep sleeping through the noise of three happily squealing girls in the corridor outside. One of them was definitely Marin, then there was Erika. The last one had to be Wilhelmine, because he could not imagine Augusta to make such noises. He thought that he could hear her more calm and composed voice blend with the squeals of happiness.

Ludwig wanted to tell them to be quiet and let him sleep, but he couldn’t very well emerge from Eduard’s room in the morning. Two of the four girls might know about his feelings by now and Erika was undoubtedly as accepting as her brother, but nonetheless it was inappropriate.

He grasped Eduard by the shoulder, shaking him awake. Eduard blinked tiredly at him, stretched and yawned and Ludwig found himself staring at the dip of skin showing past his partially unbuttoned shirt. “Mh?” was the only sound Eduard made beside other tired sounds, but there was an unspoken question in the sound. “I want to taste your ski- I mean,” Ludwig cleared his throat and he could feel his face burn with shame. “I mean, could you see what the ladies are being so raucous about?”

Eduard chuckled, pushed himself up on his arms, and he leaned over to press a hesitant kiss to Ludwig’s lips. “You’ll get to do that later.” Ludwig’s face burned even hotter and he murmured, “You’re terrible...” Eduard grinned even wider at him. He untangled himself from the sheets and headed for the door.

“Morning, what’s up?” Ludwig heard Eduard ask; he watched him take up the space created when he opened the door, and his gaze drifted. He wasn’t paying complete attention to the words said. That was why he startled, gaze hastily moving away from Eduard’s rear before it reached his bottom, when Eduard suddenly seemed just as loud as the ladies. “Seriously? That’s wonderful! Congratulations!” What now? Ludwig managed to startle so badly that he not even remotely subtly fell off the bed. Erika was the one peering past her brother and wide-eyed spotted him sitting on the floor tangled in one of the sheets. “Lord Lui, you’re in here too? I’m sorry, did we wake you up?” Somehow those utterly terrible siblings seemed to find it completely natural for friends to sleep in the same bed. He was glad he couldn’t see the other ladies faces.

He had no opportunity to reply before Marin excitedly called past Eduard, “Minna is getting married! Nicolas proposed! Isn’t it exciting!”

Well.

“Yes, very.”

Not entirely surprising, either. That relationship had been visible to some of them, no matter if they had been trying to be subtle. At least it wouldn’t be a huge scandal once they made the announcement. Nicolas was a promising Strahl candidate and Wilhelmine didn’t hold that high of a position among the aristocracy. Surely they would do just fine.

But he could learn the details surrounding that engagement later. First he had to untangle himself from the sheet and fix himself up a little so that he didn’t look as disheveled and newly awoken from sleep.

“Congratulations,” he told the both of them, later.

Some time later after breakfast Marin elbowed him lightly in the side, and he glanced down at his fiancée with an inquiring look. “So you’ve sorted things out, then? That’s great.” The genuine tone in her voice made him turn a slight smile toward her. She attached herself to his arm briefly, in something reminiscent a more low-key hug. Then she waltzed off to talk weddings with Wilhelmine and the other girls.

Soon after returning to school, they were thrown into a period of tests. As a result they spent a lot of time in the library and while Eduard might not have anything against the library or reading — he liked it in a moderate amount — he felt like he was going to go crazy if he didn’t get out of the stale air for a while. Orpheus, sitting beside him at a table, glanced at him with a frown and a sigh. “It’s only a few more days until lessons resume as usual,” he said, encouraging. Eduard had planted his face in an open book with a long, out-drawn sigh of utter suffering. “I can literally taste words,” he groaned. “That is impossible,” Ludwig commented from where he sat opposite of him. Eduard felt Ludwig’s leg bump against his briefly. His were stretched out underneath the table, and it was not entirely accidental that Ludwig’s legs sometimes brushed up against his. He ad told Eduard not to do the same, because at times he did it a little too often to be considered coincidental, if anybody happened to be watching “I don’t mean literally literally literally-... Uh... Anyway, I can say literally to emphasise.”

“It would be less confusing if you didn’t.”

“I don’t get how that would be confusing to you, Lui.” Eduard pulled his lips inside his mouth instead of pouting. He didn’t want to risk ruining the book that way. “I know for a fact that you’ve read Fitzgerald.” As a matter of fact, he knew that Ludwig had just finished The Great Gatsby because it had been laying on his bedside table until this morning, only to be exchanged with The Magic Mountain.

“Dickens used literally in its non-literal sense,” Orpheus quipped helpfully. Camus filled in, “Charlotte Brontë did as well.”

Bemused and perhaps a little bewildered, Naoji watched them all.

“Aah, screw it,” Eduard closed the book, slipping in a bookmark in between the pages he had been trying to read for the past half hour. He pushed it away, took note of the cute sounds of disgruntlement that Ludwig made when his books were pushed closer to him, and Eduard stretched and stood up. “I’m going out.” Ignoring any comments that he should still be studying. Eduard paused when he felt a dizzy spell- caused by the impression of letters dancing in front of his eyes for a few moments. “Nnh, I need a break,” he insisted.

He fled the library to slip into the stable to bury his face against a warm horse and draw in its scent. He stood there just letting the calm air of the stable and the presence of animals seep into him, and ease his tired mind. Studying was definitely not his favorite thing. Exams sucked, and when they were swamped with them, or with essays or other assignments, he felt overwhelmed and wondered if he would actually be able to pull off being a Strahl, if he even could manage to become a member of that exclusive group in the first place. The church would be hard pressed to approve of him.

When he returned from the stable it was only to sit for two exams, and as soon as they were over he slipped back outside again, holed himself up in the stable where he took the chance to do some physical work. It was too dark to take a horse out now, no matter how much he wanted to, so he made do with what he was able. And he had always preferred being physically active over things like books and writing and studying. Sunday school had despaired over him, he remembered. Not that he had properly attended, way back when.

He eventually returned for the night, and he burrowed among Ludwig’s blankets and against Ludwig, who was leisure reading, rather than study reading. That he had the energy for it, after he had already been buried in books all day; he was amazing like that. Ludwig didn’t look away from the page he was on, but he ran his fingers through Eduard’s hair and buried his hand in it. “Feeling any better?” Eduard rubbed his face into Ludwig’s nightshirt and shoulder blade, drew in his scent, and he hummed. “A little. I’m seriously gonna lose it if this doesn’t end soon.” The sensation of Ludwgi’s fingers rubbing at Eduard’s scalp was soothing. “Just a few more days, then it’ll be like usual.” Eduard replied with another hum. Just a few more days, huh.

“D’you know you smell pretty nice?” Eduard ran his fingers along Ludwig’s body as he searched for the most comfortable embrace. “Nothin’ beats the smell’f horses but you’re pretty close.” Ludwig tipped his head to the side so he could see at least a bit of Eduard’s face. “You’re an idiot,” he remarked fondly. When he really meant to call someone an idiot in a negative fashion, it was much colder, sharper. This idiot slipping past his lips was warmer, gentler. It was alright to be called an idiot, when it was said like that. He closed his eyes as he felt Eduard’s lips brush his skin, and felt his laughter against the back of his neck, hidden among the tresses of his long hair. “Yeah, but you already knew that.”

Eduard adjusted the ribbon around Ludwig’s low ponytail after it had almost come undone after a night of far too much socializing. Ludwig peered at his lover, and when Eduard noticed his gaze Eduard made an inquiring sound. Ludwig simply turned a slight smile at him, “It’s nothing,” he told him, and Eduard huffed.

Eduard did that, fixed Ludwig’s hair, as if it was the most natural thing in the world. Perhaps, to him, it was. He had, Ludwig knew now, that Eduard often helped his sisters with their hair- and when you had four sisters, that was a lot of hair that one might help fix. He new about the ribbons that Eduard and Erika had split when they were separated, and he knew how frayed both of those ribbons had become by the time that they properly reunited. He also knew, now, about the determination in Eduard’s eyes, that he had wondered about when they were so much younger. The determination which he now knew was there because the boy was going to Rosenstolz to find his sister. It was a trait that he shared with her, and she shared with him.

“It’s nothing, huh.” Eduard repeated, an amused mumble. He followed Ludwig, who continued heading toward the sofa he had been headed for in the first place. “You were so cute, too.” Ludwig arched an eyebrow at him. What conversation was this subject part of? “I don’t really care to be called cute, actually.” He picked his two years old daughter up, and repositioned her; she had been sleeping in the middle of the sofa, and happily nuzzled against his lap when she was put back down, her little feet pressing against the fine patterns of the arm rest. Eduard proceeded as if Ludwig had not half-heartedly protested. “Now you’re pretty. Well, you’ve always been pretty.” Honestly this man. Ludwig felt his cheeks heat up a little, even though these days, he was used to Eduard’s offhanded affectionate comments. Perhaps not entirely. He watched as Eduard readjusted the ribbon in the little girl’s hair with the same fondness he would show his sister, though he was more like an uncle to her. “I’d rather you at least used the word handsome.”

Eduard laughed, a happy sound that warmed, and might be able to pierce even panic attacks- though those were hardly times to laugh and it was an untested theory. That was one scientific study that Ludwig was certain that he would not be able to conduct. If the laughter of the person that you loved could stave off panic attacks. But it was calming, and though he was hardly free of them, perhaps the shadows didn’t visit him as often, wasn’t as obviously at the edge of his vision. Ludwig’s fingers lingered on the page he had just opened up. “Yeah, that too. But you’re still pretty. Can you still be cute, too?”

“Eduard,” Ludwig called. He shifted to the side when Eduard dropped down in the sofa beside him, careful not to wake Sophia up as he did. “Yeah?” Ludwig leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Eduard’s brow. “Please do be quiet.” Eduard laughed, twisted to give him a slow, warm kiss to the lips, and he slumped down against Ludwig, drawing Ludwig’s ponytail over his shoulder to drape it across his own chest like a curtain so that he could pick at the soft strands. “Sure sure, I’ll give it a try.”

The silence didn’t last long, because Marin waltzed into the library, happily humming, and the two descended into inane chatter about such a range of things that it was impossible for Ludwig to properly keep up with.

Ludwig ignored them fairly well, but eventually he cast a glance at the clock and though it was not all that late, he decided that it was time to retreat to bed. Half an hour later their daughter was in her own bed, and he found his wife draped over him from one side, quietly snoring into his arm, and his lover sitting on the edge of the bed stroking his hair. He could feel Marin’s baby bump press against him, and he hoped that it would be a son this time. Though if not, maybe it really was time to see the laws altered. People had gotten used to commoners becoming capable of becoming Strahl, and certain people thought that women of any caste ought to have the same right. Change was so incredibly difficult, but bedding Marin always felt so wrong to him, no matter what. Ludwig brushed a finger against Eduard’s skin. “You’re not staying the night, then.”

“I’ve a meeting way too ridiculously early tomorrow, so I need to be off so I’m back home in time.” That was a shame, Ludwig would have liked him to stay. But he understood prioritizing work over anything else. That was what he told Eduard to do, even when he wanted him to prioritize him instead of words. Eduard didn’t always listen and he generally cut things tight to schedule, but he wasn’t a complete disaster. And he was working hard in an attempt to still repair all the damage to his family that had been caused by his birth. Things were better, certainly, but there was still a long way to go. And Eduard was still not too keen on inheriting his father’s title. It really was time to force a change, wasn’t it? He wanted Eduard to stay the night, his presence was warm and calming and comforting, but work was a priority.. “I see. Well, I won’t keep you. You know the way out.”

“Yeah.” Eduard leaned down and gave Ludwig another of his slow, perfect kisses, tongue slipping past Ludwig’s lips, he tangled the hand not buried in Ludwig’s braid with Ludwig’s fingers. He pulled away, lifted Ludwig’s hand, brushed his lips to his knuckles. He kissed him on the lips again, a soft caress, and before giving him one last kiss for the evening he murmured quietly against Ludwig’s cheek, “Good night, Young Master Lavender.”