Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

When it happens, I slip into darkness, into my personal hell. My consciousness dissolves, lost in the cells Hojo had injected into me because I couldn't leave her alone with this man. The man who took everything from me, even my soul, because I am no longer who I once was. When it happens, I'm a monster. The monster he created, smiling like a madman, so satisfied that I finally accepted the situation passively because I had lost everything, even the will to live. Did I deserve all his pain? All this suffering because I couldn't protect her from herself? These feelings that she had refused me, she offered them to the only man who never loved her. Never. Hojo could only love himself, and she lost herself in her admiration for a bottomless pit of darkness. Why? Why couldn't you love me? I was dying for a simple look, a simple kiss, a simple night by your side... Unfortunately, I was only a substitute for the one-sided hellish love she nurtured for this man... if he can still carry this word, because if I am a monster, what is he?
I've failed. And with her death, my remaining humanity dissolved, lost in the twists and turns of Hojo's mental tortures to the point I fell asleep with my regrets and remorse. In the agony of my endless nightmares, I heard her call, as beautiful as when she had used me, too. The woman who slowly killed me, consumed in a masochistic and suffocating love. She called me, but I refused to listen to her. I don't want to hear her. I was her toy. Hers and his. The one-man she had actually loved. I never want to fall under their yoke again. Even though if they said the truth and Sephiroth is my son! But I bet it was another lie, the latest in a long plot to get my soul to fall apart under their schemes. Because she wanted him to love her as much as I had loved her. And for that, she had used me. However, I knew one day that I would have to wake up from this long nightmare and face my past or what was left behind the crumbs of time. Me, who is no longer part of it.

The first time it happened, I had only been with the team for two days. I will never forget the screams of Yuffie and Tiffa. Their shocked looks, their retreats when my body became the plaything of what I was seeded. I wasn't sure I could control myself. That's why I hesitated for a long time before joining their group. I could have stayed in my coffin and slept the entire time, but she kept calling me, like Sephiroth and Jenova. I couldn't ignore Cloud a second time. In all the confusion of hatred and anger, what hurt me the most was Cid's terrified gaze. Why? Why is he looking at me like that? Like her, years before, when she saw me in this form, the very first time. I'm a monster, but the biggest monster on this planet, she never stopped loving him. Until her dying breath, she had loved him. But I, the slave, the underling, the damned soul, was just good at giving her some human warmth when Hojo was all ice and dementia! Just once, once, I don't want to be a monster anymore!

The first time we dated, I innocently thought our happiness would last a lifetime. I was sure she would only look at me, that her fingers would continue to dig into my dark hair as we hugged and gazed at the inky sky. I thought about marrying her. I imagined our future. Seeing our children grow up and possibly land with her, far from the madness of the Shin-Ra, and spend happy and peaceful days for the rest of our life. I would have traded my whole life for a normal one that I had long forgotten. But in my arms, she thought only of him. This love that I saw in her eyes was addressed to him. A vast empire of feelings, admiration, and desires. I should have known such a woman couldn't look at me like that, poor soldier I was. Unable even to become a SOLDIER or an important member of the Shin-Ra... Would she have looked at me if I had been at the head of the Turks? Would she have looked at me if I had been a top SOLDIER? Would she have loved me if I had been a great scientist or engineer? Possibly. But a man like me, a follower, could not interest her.

I open my eyes to a puddle of blood. My hazy mind still manages to smell her skin until the smell of death blurs the little clarity I have achieved to get back. I open my mouth, feeling a liquid run down my lips, joining the red puddle that clouds the ground at my knees. I try to catch my breath, but the smell of death travels up my olfactory canal. Amidst viscera, crushed bones, and things my mind can't even recognize, I scream in terror, battered by the almost lucid calmness, setting me ablaze after my furies. Everything is chaos. And it hurts. It hurts to live. I should have stayed in my vault. "You are no longer of any use to me now that she is dead." "You are a failure. A failed experiment." "You thought you were useful to me? Just to keep her with me! Now I got better. My son. Or should I say YOUR son?" "Here, kill yourself. From what I mind, you have the right to run away. You are just a coward. You are weak! No one will ever love someone so pathetic! Even less now that you're like me. A monster." This is who I am. I am a monster. I don't know if the remains lying in front of me are enemies or friends. What am I saying? They are not friends! No one will ever want my friendship. At best, they will use me, as she did.

- Vincent! "

I open my eyes to a poorly maintained and dingy ceiling. Where am I? My numb body has trouble moving, but when I can finally move, I sit on the bed I'm lying in. The white sheet rolls down my flesh. I am naked. When you are a soldier, you somewhat forget the notion of modesty. We live on top of each other, with each other, and soon this teeming and noisy mass becomes one. However, after what Hojo and Lucrecia had done to me, I covered this whole body with fabrics. As if to hide my existence from the world. Hiding that I am at fault for what is happening today. Hiding that I'm a monster. I look at my hands, lost in my remorse. I should have killed him. I should have killed her. If I had done what my instincts screamed to me, Hojo and Sephiroth wouldn't be a danger to the planet. After that, I could have finally embraced the void of death. But I'm in chains, like years ago. Chained by the desperate love I had for a woman who loved another. A reddish drop falls on the frothy white of my hand. I've always been pale for as long as I can remember. I am one of that minority of people who are born with dark hair, pale snow skin, and blood-red eyes. No one knows where this genetic trait comes from, and many accuse us of being monsters, wizards, or representatives of the end of the world. Maybe this is true. Maybe I am a curse? Another reddish drop falls on the palm of my hand. My skin used to be snow-white, but today it has an almost transparent shade that fades into a morbid purple. I am dead. It is a small detail that is important. No matter what I do today... I can't take my own life. Though... I haven't tried the fire yet. Diving in lava or an inferno seems my best hope.
Another red drop? But what is it? I look up at the ceiling, but there is nothing above me. The feeling of something running along my cheek makes me wince, and I crush that thing with the back of my hand. It's liquid, slightly sticky, but not enough to be blood. Although it has the tint of it. I don't know what it is. It is during my questioning that the door opens.

The cigarette smell he gives off tells me about the person approaching my bed. Why? Why him? I don't want to see him. I try to grab my heart as it vibrates strangely. I try to calm myself, I try to control my breathing, but I can't. In my blackened vision, I see his worried face. Let him disappear! My left hand pushes him away. If I spend my time hiding it, it is not for nothing. But never mind. It doesn't matter if my gaunt nails open his skin on several inches. It doesn't matter if my rage makes me growl like an animal. I'm a monster!

- Okay... Okay... Calm down. I brought food. I don't know if you eat or if you need to, but just in case..."
- Why don't you disappear?"

A long silence followed. I wouldn't hide what I am. Not this time! I want him to understand that I am an aberration. I am a horror. A monster. And I raise my red glowing gaze to him.

- I thought a friendly face would do you good."
- Friendly?"

It's more a grunt than a laugh. I don't have any friends. I've never had any. They use me and throw me away like I don't exist. As if I were just a consolation prize. Maybe that's how he sees me, too! Certainly! Cid is as brilliant as Lucrecia was. A man like that can't see me as anything but the failure that I am. A failed experiment, an inferior specimen. A coward. Is that what you see, Cid? I give him a smile, but it's not real at all. My able-bodied hand pushes back the sheets, so he can see the goods. What she has embraced so many times while desiring something else. Who will you think of, Cid, when your body would burn against mine? Your wife? Your colleague? Who? To whom will the genie in your skull turn?
He clears his throat, uncomfortable with the vision I offer him. I don't miss the insistent way his gaze skims along my legs. As if... as if he likes it. But I know it's just an image. A mask. Because I know he has seen my true nature. He has seen my wings. A scholar like him knows what Hojo has brought to life through me. And maybe our red eyes, white skin, and black hair are all that remains of what we once were. When in the darkest hours, first men burned us alive screaming "monsters."
His hand moves towards me. I already know what he is going to do, and it hurts. But his hand lands on the sheet he pulls up over my body. Maybe Cid isn't interested in a man's body. It is the only possible explanation. I giggle, resentful and ashamed. I feel even more insignificant than in Lucrecia's arms. His weight affects the mattress on which he has just taken place. One of his thighs turns towards me so that he can face me, and the sheet wraps around my face. Does he want to kill me? Lucrecia has already tried. I woke up one night with her hands against my neck. I wished for death. With her hands, she would have delivered me from that one-sided love and Hojo's madness, but she had stopped. Certainly realizing Hojo would be furious to lose his toy. And because of that, she would have lost the little esteem he offered her... Cid, I can't die like this anymore. But I let him do it, hoping that for once, fate would not be against me. But... the sheet is not pressed against my airways. It caresses my face, absorbing the reddish liquid that flows from my eyes. Are those tears? What a crazy idea. A monster can't cry! A monster has no feelings. He can't have any more! He swore he wouldn't! As I close my eyes, I feel this liquid burning them. They really are tears, I realize it when my shoulders shake, and finally, the physical manifestation is unstoppable. I am crying. Like all those nights in which only Hojo's name animated her lips when she offered herself to me. I cry like when Hojo told me how she would only love him, even if he hurt her, even if he chased her or killed her. I cry like the day she told me that this child was possibly mine, but that she would make sure only Hojo was the father. I cry like the time she told me I didn't matter. I cry like the day she asked me to help her escape from the lab, but in the end, she was back in Hojo's arms. I cry like that day, yes. That day when I understood that my love would not save her! That all my words, my gestures, my tenderness would not make her understand Hojo was using her, as she was using me. That night, I had cried without interruption because that night, I had heard their lovemaking before Hojo came to torture me until the early morning. I died that night!

- I don't know anything about your life and can only assume what happened to you. There are countless legends about Nibelheim Manor, and I bet half of them are true, or just like it. So I have a vague idea of what you are. Who you are. The man who offered his life and soul for the woman he loved. A sacrifice of flesh and blood. Even in Rocket Town, we count Hojo's creature story."

Creature? Why not Monster? Why is his gaze so warm? Why is he smiling like that? Ha, Vincent! Why do you have to feel hope today? Hojo said so. No one will ever want you. Not even as a friend. Damn you, Vincent! Damn you!

This day did not sound the death knell of the group. Certainly, some people cordially avoid me or speak to me only out of desperation. Yuffie is torn between desires and aversions. Tiffa snubs me. Barret doesn't know what to say to me, and it's not like we have anything to share. Cloud is as quiet as I am, but he never shuns my company. Nanaki likes to spend hours philosophizing with me, even though I don't ask him anything. Perhaps he feels pity for me? Maybe it is because he is not human... whatever! These nights of discussion by the fire are pleasant.
While the others go to bed, Nanaki tells me about his people. I secretly see Yuffie smiling at me, and I was assuredly going to follow her if Cid had not come to settle with us. I blink, surprised that he rolls a cigarette while joking with Nanaki.

- She's too young. Don't let her play with you."

Without saying anything more, after he slips those few words against my neck, Cid returns to his discussion with Nanaki as if nothing had happened.

- Vincent?"

I sigh as I turn back to the kid who smiles at me. Yuffie has a mind of her own, and for the past few weeks, she's been making her plans very clear to me, especially since Cloud has been gently pushing her away. At the same time, I, who was consumed with love for someone who loved in vain, now know how to recognize a heart that cannot love anyone else. No, no one else but Aerith matters to Cloud. He has the chance that I did not have because she accepted it. Their happiness hurts me terribly. Maybe because she looks like her. Her angelic face, her big dark eyes, her long brown hair... that saintly smile... Her ghost continues to imprison me in her web. I feel her. I even sense her fingers closing in on me. Suddenly I jump, because the touch is warm, not cold like Lucrecia's ghost, and it is because it is not her. It is Yuffie who touches me. I know the kind of look she sends me. I am a compensation. Meager compensation because I'm not Cloud.

- Do you want to come to the barn? They're all so busy, and I'm bored. We could..."
- Vince?!"

I didn't hear him coming, didn't even feel him until his arm closed around my neck like a snake. A gust of wind makes me close my eyes as his cigarette smoke blurs my senses. I can't smell Lucrecia's ghostly scent anymore. When he is near me, it seems to evaporate.

- Are you coming? Nanaki will tell us about the old wizards who lived in Nibelheim long before the age of men. I've always wanted to know more about those who lived with the Elders."
- I'm coming."

Yuffie is not disappointed she is angry. Her bitter look tries to change my mind, but his arm drags me with him, away from this new hell that smiles at me without seeing me.

- You're kidding."
- Not at all. Even my own folks say so."
- Tobacco? It's no magic. What the hell!"
- And yet. It's been used for a long period to scare away wandering souls."
- Nonsense!"

He is a man of science. I wonder why he is interested in tales and legends. However, this valuable information turns my full attention to their discussion. Could this be why she doesn't haunt me when I'm with Cid? What if it were true? What if Nanaki was telling the truth and Cid could protect me from her eternal mental torture? Could I use someone too? I look at his profile in the light of the flames. His smile... Cid looks genuine, authentic. He never seems to cheat. He never seems to hide personal motives in what he says or does. He has his dreams, but he hasn't sacrificed the people around him to achieve them. A strange smile tears at my colorless face, and I am suddenly hungry. This unusual sensation leaves me bewildered because I have never eaten again since the day I died. I get up quickly, alerting the two people I was talking to, then melt into the darkness. Hunger? This is not normal. Why would I suddenly be hungry? It's been a long time since I've used my fury, and I'm beginning to fear that... that my diet is made of blood and viscera!

- Hey. Are you okay?"
- Stay away!"
- What's wrong?"
- I'm... I'm hungry."
- I thought..."
- I know what I said!"
- Well, you don't have to get like that... wait."

I watch him out of the corner of my eyes, looking for something in one of the pockets of his aviator suit. He pulls out some kind of paper that makes too much noise and glows slightly in the moonlight.

- I caught this in Costa del Sol. Not the best stuff ever, but it stalls well. I always get one when I'm working and don't have time for a real meal."

His hand hands me the bag. I've never seen this brand. But if it's from the south, I may have never come across it. Can I eat regular food? I hesitate. I grab the noisy bag, not knowing what to do with it for long minutes. It's not like I'm used to food packaging anymore. That this kind of thing seems foreign to me is further proof of my monstrousness! Inside the package, there is a food bar. It looks like the survival rations we had on missions when I was still a Turk. In my memories, I hated it, but it had the proper use to feed a man for a whole day. So I bite into it. It doesn't taste anything. I don't know if it's natural or if I'm not able to experience flavor anymore. After my transformation, Hojo stopped feeding me, and since I didn't feel hungry anymore nor even have the desire to survive through what he was doing to me, I forgot that one day I had to eat to live...

- Do you like it?"
- I'm afraid I'd never been able to love anything this way again."
- Why do you isolate yourself?"
- What if what I needed to survive I took during my furies?"

Cid releases a cloud of smoke, saying nothing. He crosses his arms as his throat makes a funny sound. I wonder if he does this unconsciously when he thinks about certain complex things.

- I see. Indeed, your last fury was a week ago. Everything alive needs a source of energy. It doesn't matter what Hojo did to you. You spend energy. You need a power source to get it back. An engine can't work without a power source. That said, it would be bad to eat your teammates. We'll go wolf hunting in the morning. It's delicious with spices... Tonight we can lock you down into your room if you're afraid of anything."
- A door isn't going to stop me, Cid."
- It's true. Vince, do you trust me?"

Enough to answer yes, without asking me any more questions. I finish the bar and climb back into the Highwind with him. His air of leadership has his men marching. Before I pass even a single corridor, his voice thunders, loud and clear, commanding without delay. No one flinches. The last door closes behind us, leading to nothing but a small room with no exit.

- The door is made of rocket composite. An alloy so sturdy that even a Mako blast is ineffective. The walls are made of the same alloy. This hold was used to store toxic or voluble waste. That's why it's so crucial it can withstand Mako explosions. I need to know one thing. Do you need air? Because the room has no..."
- Nope. When she tried to strangle me the second time..."

I realized I didn't need to breathe. It hadn't even hurt. Anyway, nothing could have hurt me more than her falsely friendly look that seemed to say, I'm doing this for your own good. I wince when Cid's smell becomes heady. I am petrified between his arms as if his touch could kill me. But I know which one of us would be able to kill the other, and I push him away. I still don't know if I feed like the red-eyed monsters of tales and legends.

- Sorry..."

Cid is uncomfortable again, muttering something I don't understand and heading to the back of the room.

- In case the room isn't enough... there's this. But I want to make it clear that it's not a necessity."

Chains. Whatever they stored here, the Highwing is a flying structure. They certainly didn't want the goods to move during transport. I grab one of the heavy chains and pull on it with all my strength, but the metal seems elastic. A strange combination of strength and elasticity that I have never encountered before. I don't like shackles. The memory of Hojo makes my mind reel. The pain of the iron cutting into my flesh until I decide to escape by shearing the skin off my left arm... I shudder as I remember my own terror.

- Vince, this is not relevant"
- Do it."
- Are you sure?"
- You and I don't know how strong I really am, deep down. Better more than not enough."
- Okay."
- Squeeze hard, hard to the point that my only option will be to cut my own flesh."
- Vince..."
- Do as I say!"

This is cold. It's not Lucrecia's arms around me but the steel of Highwind. Somewhere, the reassuring thought that this steel is a part of Cid calms me... The Highwind is his baby. The plans, the design, everything is his! Even this piece. I frown as he squeezes until it hurts, but it's my decision. For once, it's not punishment, it's no torture, it's to protect. I get lost in the memories of agony, but the smell of tobacco brings me back to Cid. I am unable to move, bound like a dangerous load, but Cid strokes my hair like... Lucrecia had done it so many times. It's painful. Don't look at me. Don't look at me like that! Not when I'm a monster! I wait for him to leave. I wait for him to leave me to my fate, but he sits next to me.

- What are you doing?"
- Well, as long as you're conscious, I know I had nothing to dread, don't I? So I'm definitely going to leave this door open because I'm going to need some oxygen. And I'll keep an eye on you. If you change, if you lose consciousness, I'll lock you up. That's a promise."
- You're crazy. Don't you know what they did to me?"
- So far? Not really. And the mere fact that you admit to me that the woman you sacrificed everything for tried to kill you makes me want to vomit. I'm not a good man. But when Shera got trapped in the rocket's reactor... I gave up the mission. And with it, my dreams of infinite space. I may not love this woman as she loves me, but I couldn't sacrifice her. Putting a life before my dreams... I thought it was love. When she asked me to be engaged after that, I didn't know how to say no..."

Cid seems to be giggling, but he doesn't look happy.

- I don't love her like that. But who else could have loved the unworthy being that I am? I prefer heaven to others. I prefer my dreams and my fabrications to the real... Everything is so much more interesting than the real. I don't like people. I find them immature and dull. Since a child, I have had layouts too complex for most people engraved in my brain. I have impossible calculations to solve that heady me.. that obsess me... I am a genius, possibly, but I have never liked the world around me. I always want more. Being confronted with the probable death of the planet made me rethink my priorities. Space? One day I will go into space, possibly. But it's not the stars that matter. It's this. This little group of people that I finally get to like. It's never too late to find your heart. Vince. If you ever want to talk. I'm here."

His hand reaches for my shoulder as he straightens up. Then he goes to ajar the door, so he can breathe and goes back to sit across from me. Close enough that his presence reassures me, but far enough, should I try to hurt him. The smell of his cigarette lights up my mind, and suddenly the words fly out of my tortured mind relating the atrocities Hojo did to me. Confessing this love that destroyed me day after day as she left my arms to go into my tormentor's.

- It's okay..."

Cid cautiously walks towards me, step after step, making sure I'm still there. And when our eyes meet, he caresses my cheeks, wiping away the tears that are flowing. And it doesn't bother him that my tears are blood. He has that same friendly smile, that same caring look. I pull on the chains like a beast. Cid has a backward movement when the chains break under the force of the rage which flows in me. I am afraid to see myself killing him, but... but in his look, I do not see terror or pain. That look is... astonished... circumspect... It is rigid and shocked. Certainly because... because I am kissing him. I, myself, am astonished by this contact. When I transform, I do my worst. My mind disappears, carried away by the awakening monster. But even as my wings whip through the air behind me, I am excruciatingly aware. I am aware of myself. I am... me? I recoil because I've jumped on Cid, and I'm afraid he could avoid me now. I release his body and fall to the ground, on my knees and imploring like so many years before. Don't give up on me. Don't hate me. Even your friendship is enough for me. Even? What is this strange thought? I just kissed Cid. Maybe the answer lies in that fact. I kissed Cid.

- Get out."

No longer able to bear his presence and the awkward silence, I straighten my face at him, showing my sharp teeth.

- Get the fuck out!"

My voice is atrocious. There is nothing human in that sound. And that is what makes the engineer react, suddenly straightening up and backing away toward the exit. I have broken his chains. Cid knows that if I want, I can leave the room, but he closes it. I feel his presence behind the door. Maybe he thinks he can kill me before I go after anyone.

Chapter Text

I feel empty. If I wasn't reasoning, I would feel like I was dead. I lie on the metal floor, unable to move. My claws lacerate the ground while I straighten up. I spent the night in this form, and I still have it. I am still a monster. Will I stay like this? I don't want to. I don't want to be seen like this every day. I scream as I look at my hands and try to pull out the appendages I have on my back. It is terribly painful as I begin to rip off the first wing. The unlocking of the door doesn't interrupt me, but Cid's voice makes me hesitate. But by rage, I rip off the wing in a spray of blood. The electric pain... I haven't felt it for so long. It's excruciating agony.

- Vince. Shit!"

Cid moves. When I look back at him, he has removed the top of his jumpsuit and reveals his torso as the material of his t-shirt is pulled up his body. I don't see the look in his eyes as he steps toward me and presses the fabric of his garment against my wound. I hiss in pain but keep my claws under control.

- Vince, get up."
- If I bled to death..."
- Get up!"

He pulls at my dead body, dragging me behind him as I refuse to stand up. The skin on my knees rips on the rough edges of the floor while Cid yells at the people to give us a free run. I hear breaths cutting off at my vision. People are whispering words I don't want to hear. Monster. Monster... I scream in distress behind Cid, who drags me to the platform. He yells a bunch of dirty words at Cloud, but I don't even know why, as he hauls my carcass through the vegetation. By the time he stops dragging me, we're far enough away that I can't hear the mechanics of the Highwind anymore. I fall into the tall grass, waiting for death, but it is life I meet when I open my eyes to his voice. He holds between his arms the carcass of an animal on which I rush. The warmth of his old life, I revel in it. Cid smokes beside me. The volutes of his tobacco encircle me like invisible links. I raise my face on his smile and his hair like a sun. It shines in the early morning light as he crosses his arms over his bent knees, glaring at my body as he glares at a Mako reactor. Doesn't he think I'm horrible? I don't understand his strange fascination with me because Cid doesn't want me. Not in that way. So why does he lo

- Why don't I disgust you?"
- You are you. It doesn't matter what shape or color. Hojo made a monster if you want to be one. But you're free to be more than that. To be Vincent Valentine before, the product of a sick mind. Why should I be disgusted?"
- I am a monster."
- Um... A monster would have killed me. And then he would have dissected all my men, then the rest of the group. A monster..."
- I have... you..."

Cid releases a cloud of smoke. He turns his gaze to the sky, but suddenly smiles.

- A monster would have done worse than that, I suppose. Vince, I am not going to lie to you. I'm not interested in you in that way. And I never thought for a second that you might want me that way. I'm practically married. I may not love her, but I'm not going to cheat on her."

It hurts. Horribly hurt. But what would hurt more? Being allowed in his arms while he cherished Shera or his refusal? My mind rambles, it cracks, and I laugh. I laugh like I'm crazy, as crazy as Hojo. Maybe I'm more like him than I thought.

- Vince..."
- No, that's normal... I'm a dog and always have been. Shin-Ra's dog, Lucrecia's dog, Hojo's dog... I hate what I was, but I hate what I am even more. I don't want to stay this way. Please."
- Vince... why are you back to being human after your fury?"
- I don't know."
- Yes, you do. You change back because you get mad. It's out of anger, out of hate that you change. Why do you become human again afterward?"
- Calm..."
- So calm down. Why do you..."

Cid falls silent. He straightens up and then spins around me, hiccuping in surprise. I turn my gaze in his direction, but between him and me, I see a small thing flapping in the air. The wing I tore off is already growing back. My hand goes to pull it off again, but Cid interrupts my movement by shielding it with his hand.

- If it's because of me, be sure I'm sorry. But stop hurting yourself, or I swear on sky and space, I'll hate you. Stop it, Vince. Stop it! This hatred, don't turn it onto yourself. Turn it onto Hojo. Together, we'll fight him. We'll kill him. Settle the score with him. Show him you're not his dog."
- That's all I am."
- You're wrong. When I look past all that, I see only a lost kid. And that kid, I'm reaching out to him, take my hand."

He's so sincere it blows my mind. Does he see a kid? Does he know I'm older than he? I watch that hand protecting the growing wing as if it were a treasure. What I am through his eyes, I cannot hope to apprehend it. But I accept that someone might value this thing I hate. When she was still sane, Lucrecia had explained to me why she had fallen in love with Hojo. I didn't understand what she saw in him. I hope that I will never make Cid suffer as much as she suffered from the coldness of this man. Then I look at that stump and wonder if I ever hurt Cid when he saw my self-harm. "Stop hurting yourself, or I swear on sky and space, I will hate you." On sky? Nothing is more important to him than the sky. Nothing but his wife. And me? I turn around, on all fours like the deformed monster I am, to face him and lower my face to his boots.

- Let me be your..."
- On one condition."
- Which one? You can take whatever you want, do whatever you want to me, anything..."
- Learn to forgive yourself."
- Forgive me?"
- Hmm. Forgive yourself for being weak, for loving the wrong woman, and not being able to stop Hojo's plans. It's because you're human. We all have our weaknesses. Hojo found yours and used it to destroy you. Vince, forgive yourself." - Is that all you want from me? I give you the power to do whatever you want, and all you want is..."
- That you forgive yourself. Yes."
- You could..."
- I am not Hojo, nor Lucrecia. And I wouldn't cheat on Shera. I wouldn't do that to her, nor to you. I live for the sky. The person who wants me should know that she will always come second. I don't have enough room in my life for anyone else, even for a quick fling. So Vincent, if you want that space, I have to leave her first. It's that simple. And you have to shine at least as bright as the space. Capture me. And then maybe the sky will wait."

The smoke he exhales dances across the sky then disappears from my gaze too slow. Too far away for me to reach, Cid looms over me like an unattainable goal, and I roll into a ball on the ground, pitiful in front of this great man.

- Finish eating, calm down, and let's go. I'll get ready to leave. And know that I won't leave without you, so don't even think about running away."
- Cid?"
- Hmm?"
- Thanks."

He laughs as he twirls the spear, wedging it behind his back as he turns back towards the Highwind. I watch his figure disappear into the sunrise and sigh. Am I worthy of his attention?

There is a spray of blood. My mind suddenly goes blank. Everything is... silence and darkness. I hear a voice in my head, and it's not Hojo nor Lucrecia. This thing lurking in the darkness has red eyes. That thing is me. "Kill them all!" Kill... Kill! The silence and the darkness are adorned with anger and blood. I'm going crazy. I don't even know what I'm doing, but I'm jumping on everything that moves because... because... It's Cid's blood. They hurt Cid! When our attackers are down, I take the time to rip out their bones. I revel in their screams as much as in their flesh. The taste of their blood, the taste of their flesh, is a strange delight. Their death is a strange bandage that cauterizes my soul. I dare not look back for fear of seeing the grim truth. I hope Aerith will be able to patch him up, because if not... if not... I would kill the whole world.
Heavy, hesitant footsteps approach me. As I hear the concern in Aerith's voice, I know it's Cid coming towards me. He drops to the ground behind me and wraps his arms around me. He doesn't stop me from continuing my slaughter, but he caresses my hair.

- I'm fine. I'm fine, Vince. Kill them cleanly, please. Please."

His words manage to pierce the darkness. My other self nods positively, and my claws slice through the soldiers' carotids. I slip out of his arms to drain them of their blood before it is cold or wasted by the beating of their dying hearts. And only when there is not a drop left, I stand up and take him between my arms. Cid weighs nothing between my monstrous arms. He is fragile and mortal. He is human and magnificent. My wings close on us to protect him, like my personal sun. My red gaze is lost in the golden hair that shines for me, reflecting soft and soothing light. Yet I am calm, but I keep my transformation, for I want these wings to finally serve a purpose.

- It's okay. The Cetras saved my ass."
- I should have taken that shot for you."
- You're not just a shield and a gun, Vince."
- I'm all you'll ever need. I'm yours. If I keep you alive until the end, maybe I'll consider... forgiving me."
- Hey. Good! I like that. And believe me, I haven't made any plans on my death."
- With me...you could choose never to."
- Hmm?"
- If Hojo made me what I think... my blood..."
- Ha, no, thank you very much. I prefer my meat cooked."
- Sorry."
- No... that's to be kept in the corner of my mind. In a hundred or two hundred years... what will humanity be able to do? Will I ever know?"

His throat makes this sound that makes me smile. I walk through the middle of the group and pull him back into the Highwind.
Over time people have become accustomed to my transformations. Some still whisper horrible words as others reek of fear and flee. But I look at nothing but the sun between my arms, even when the darkness of the Highwind causes the shimmer of his golden hair to die.

- And where are you taking me like this?"
- To your room."
- We have..."
- No. They have a mission. You, you rest. I'm staying with you. No discussion possible."
- But..."
- No..."

It's been a long time since he hadn't shivered with fear in front of me, but even I'm puzzled by that harsh, admonishing tone. I hold him tighter between my arms until he moans in pain, and finally, I lay him down in his bed. I look down at his body in the sheets while I hear the voice whispering to me things I've buried deep inside for years.

- What are you..."

I'm standing over him. My claws haven't punctured his skin, but they hold Cid tightly by the wrists so he can't escape. I know... I know what I'm about to do, but I can't stop myself. I bend down and kiss his lips. The enamel of my teeth is just demanding enough that I open his lower lip. Immediately, I lick it religiously until only Vincent remains until Cid glows and struggles.

- Not this... for the love of a Mako reactor, not this!"

I am struck by his distress, so I release his wrists, and Cid's body curls up against the headboard putting as much space as possible between us.

- I..."
- Shut up. And please get out of my room!"

He hates me. He must hate me. This is the second time I've forced him like this, and Cid has made it clear he doesn't want to go any further with me. If it were up to me, I would mutilate myself until my mind calmed down. But I prefer to go to the Chocobo hold. In the midst of the golden like suns, I look at the black Chocobo that Cloud raised. Sometimes I feel like I am just like him, alone and different. But his difference makes him an asset. Is it the same for me?

- Hey?"

Since the last incident, Cid has been running away from me. I feel bad every time he looks at me and runs away so soon. I feel like hurting myself, so I look at Yuffie and follow her. In her bunk, in her arms, all hell breaks loose for me. She whispers a name that is not mine. She desires a man who is not me, and it reminds me of Lucrecia. I feel like I can hear her laughing at me being a toy again. Being a consolation prize... When the warmth of our embrace fades, the girl turns over in the sheets, forgetting my presence. Same as Lucrecia. I get dressed, leave her room under the astonished look of Barret, and I go to hole up in the only place which is due to me.
I haven't been back in this room since the last time. I realize that Cid has not welded any new restraints. I touch the cold iron that lies on the floor, where it fell when I destroyed it. I died here again. And Cid brought me back. But what life is this? What kind of life is this?

- Hey?"

And it starts again and again. This is just the beginning of a new hell. Yuffie uses me, like Lucrecia before, but the difference is I don't like Yuffie. When she comes calling Cloud, I only think of the sun that I have lost. Cid continues to dodge me, and I go crazy every day a little more.

- Again?"
- Why not..."
- I understand why Cid doesn't want to sleep with you anymore. Seriously, you are cold as death!"

Have I not become like Hojo? The thought goes around my skull. Maybe the monster they see, and I see, is not just because of my physical form. Isn't it that voice inside me that asks me to hurt people?

- Yuffie? Is Vincent with you?"

Cid drums on the door, but Yuffie rolls her eyes without answering. My gloved hand rests on her lips so she can't scream as my teeth plunge into her throat, and my body penetrates hers without regard for her well-being. Am I Hojo? As I lift my face, I see someone who looks like me in the mirror, but it's not me. That satisfied, wry smile... That smile that terrified me before, when he would enter my jail and grab medical equipment to cut me up like dead flesh. That's his smile! My red eyes fall back on Yuffie. This will be our little secret. The girl has an orgasm when I get violent. If she wants someone hotter, more active, and demanding, that's what I'll give her, with a little more blood!

When I leave the room, Cid watches me like I'm an abomination, and he rushes into Yuffie's room to see if she's still alive. Yes. Hojo likes to hurt, but more than that, he likes it when the person ends up enjoying the pain. I remember now... The terror wasn't from the pain. But from the pleasure, he gave me by tearing away what little humanity I had left. I was more than his dog. If Sephiroth is my son, the only thing he has seeded is me.
I watch this man in the mirror in front of me. When Yuffie came, I saw things in her eyes that I had forgotten. Knowingly or not, that's the whole point! I loved Lucrecia. I loved her to death! She played me for a fool so that Hojo would open his arms to her. Hojo was never interested in her because he wanted me. He wanted my soul, my body, and my fragility. When he tortured me to the point of ripping out my psyche, he wanted me to embrace his madness. His experiment was not to transform me physically. He wanted me to offer myself to him. His failure was he could not make me forget Lucrecia, even under his scalpel! Even under his torture, the pain and the blood, and then those horrible ecstasies of pleasure that made me beg him to kill me. I would rather die than sink into the dark pleasure he was offering me! And here I am, many years later, smiling as he smiled. Wanting blood and screams to finally feel complete. Hojo. You didn't miss your experience. If you'd heard the news, would you be pleased?

- Vince!"
- Don't come all fatherly on me! She wanted a dick, then she got it. Wasn't she tired of my coldness? I offered her the exact opposite. And she liked it. Didn't she?"

I recorded the sound before the impact and the pain. Cid never raised a hand to anyone, but his face twists with anger and disdain. It should hurt, but I can't feel anything anymore.

- That's not you. Wake the hell up."
- Isn't that what you wanted? For me to forgive myself? Well, listen carefully, Cid. I forgive myself. I forgive myself for being weak, for not having the courage to kill the woman I love to save her from Hojo's madness. I forgive myself for letting his son, their son, or MY son serve as an experiment and for becoming a public danger. And I even forgive myself for loving to be his dog. For I had finally succumbed to the pleasure under his scalpel and reached a state that no one should know. I forgive myself for being a monster because that is not what the monster is! I forgive myself everything, Cid. Vincent Valentine is dead. He died when she sold me to her madness! When the woman I loved pretended to run away with me and the baby she was carrying to lead me into a trap. He died tied up like a dog in Hojo's torture chamber, between bottles of various viscera, harmful products, and sharp scalpels. He died when Hojo ripped out his soul and all his humanity to make him his toy. What he kept alive, what he brought to life in pain, this thing... is the reflection of his own madness. The sadistic delight he took while making me love pain and agony. I am Hojo." - You are not Hojo! How many times have you begged him? How many times!? Did he stop? When I asked you to, you didn't pursue it. If you were Hojo, you would have raped me. But you didn't."
- I could have."
- Why didn't you?"

I close my eyes, no longer looking at this man I've become, and I turn away from him, even as he whispers to me to embrace him. To run and burrow into his darkness. Instead, I look at the gold of Cid's hair.

- I love you."

That's the only reason. Like when I agreed to let Lucrecia wear me down to her liking. I let her do it because I couldn't hurt her, nor could I turn away from her. When my heart loves, my reason is meaningless. I would accept her blows, I would endure her hatred, her lies, but I cannot knowingly hurt her. That's the only reason I don't hurt myself physically anymore. I cannot harm the person I love.

- You are my new Lucrecia, and I would die at your hands rather than hurt you because I can't. I can't. Just like I couldn't hurt her or run away. And like her, you will end up hating me."
- No."
- You don't love me, Cid."
- Did I say that?"

Did he say it? He doesn't see me that way. He said it! He wouldn't cheat on his girl. He said so. But... "Captivate me. And then maybe sky will wait." No, that's foolish. He can't love anything more than the sky. He just said that, to be kind. Like Lucrecia's hand in my hair when I was lost in my one-sided love. A vain caress to keep me at her fingertips, to make me hope after chimeras. Nothing but chimeras! The voice inside me laughs, and I understand that it is not Lucrecia who haunts me. I look again at the mirror, and all I see is me. Me, with a smile like Hojo. Because I run into another trap. I plunged into this new one-sided love, and now I'm still that weakling. Nevermore! The golden glove hiding the infamous flayed hand hits the reflective surface. Nevermore!

- Vince..."
- Shut up. I won't let you wear me down as she did. I'm not that victim anymore."
- I'm not wearing anything out. Do you hear yourself, damn it?! Do you have feelings for me? Fine! I accept them! Vince, can you hear me? I do. But not until Shera realizes it. When you... the last time, in my bed. My body knew that... Let's just say I... Damn it, I got a boner! Is that what you want to hear? Then hear it! I would never do anything with a man, but let's face it. You're not a man anymore. Whatever you are now, you are much more than that. Where you see a monster, I see a perfect machine. Sure, made of flesh and bone, but you are perfect. And when that... monster looked me in the eye, I wanted him to do it, to kiss me. And damn it, if I didn't have principles, I wouldn't have run. So, Vincent. Before you go to Round Square, will you come to Rocket Town with me? Because I can't do that to Shera. Because Shera is like you. A victim of her one-sided love that makes her stay when she could be happy with someone else."

I look at him sideways. Even though I know he never lies, I can only doubt his words. No one in their right mind could desire someone like me. A monster, dead inside, prisoner of his own darkness. Even I cannot love him! I turn away from the light, aware that the shadow is waiting for me to cling onto that hope to see me fall into the crimson hell of those fingers that dangle one more false hope.

- Go to hell."

I can't believe him because believing hurts too much. I'd still rather lose him for good than believing in that hand that caresses me like Lucrecia before. A mixture of kindness and enslavement. I want to disappear... But not before I kill Hojo.

Chapter Text

I do not look at them. I do not listen to them. The hands of darkness hide my eyes, hinder my mouth and cover my ears. All is dark, even in the empire of the light that never goes out. I let them do what they have to do and wait. I should have stayed in the Highwind instead of going up to this oppressive place. I follow Cait Sith with the others all the way to the hotel, finding in this pretended horror a piece of normalcy. Between the fake skeletons and the red dye of the drapes, I feel at home. I sink into the shadows of the corridors as if I lived there, and it was my home. I don't listen to the meeting. I disappear into the corridors until I reach a door that I push. It's obviously a theme room, and this one suits me. I push the door back behind me and look into the darkness at the coffin. There is a bed, but I prefer the embrace of red velvet against my skin and the tightness of the wooden floorboards. I want to disappear.

Was it sleep? Real sleep? I can't remember anything since I closed the lid. How long? No nightmares? I'm surprised I'm alone in my head when I open my eyes to the bridled gold of his hair, struggling to find a moonbeam in the soot-dark room.

- Vince. Are you okay?"
- What do you want?"
- I went to see Shera."

The darkness places its hands against my ears, but I see the shadow of Cid's lips moving. I can't hear his words, but I see them. He has given Shera back her ring and asked her to find a better match. He left his girl. For me? History will repeat itself despite this... Isn't that right, Cid? When the magic of the early days would be gone, I'd be just another distraction. Like Lucrecia. Why don't I stop Cid from kissing me? Do I really want to fall back under the yoke of a hope that will die? Am I that stupid? I hate myself. I hate Lucrecia and Hojo, but I hate you, even more, Cid, for making my heart vibrate with hope. I cling to your neck. You fight against gravity and my unusual mass. But his arms are strong enough to kidnap me from the benevolent narrowness of the coffin to pull me into the immensity of the double bed. I sink into the mattress, under Cid's weight mixed with my own. I hate the fact that I love your hand sliding over the mother-of-pearl of my skin. You're too hot. Hot as a sun, boiling like lava as your body strips and meets the ice of my death. It's painful... I should run away from this encounter, but I accept it, like the words you hand me because I want to believe it, even for one night! For only one short night, be my Lucrecia. No, be better than that! Either the golden sun that I gave up for death or the air that I breathe not out of need but mimicry. Either the blood that makes my heart beats! When Hojo took my humanity, he took everything I could offer and feel. The taste, the pleasure first. If I feel the warmth of his skin, what he does in me is a chasm of emptiness. But I am the frenzy of his jerking breath. I am the line of his body moving inside me and the shuddering of the flesh lost inside me. In the darkness, I hear Cid moan my name, something no one else has done before. His kisses are warm and irresistible. I feel like I belong to him. The same as when Hojo grabbed me by the hair and inflicted me pain no one else will be able to give me. Cid, make me your plaything, but please, for pity's sake, don't give up on me... ever!!

Hey, are you okay? You didn't... Did I suck that bad?"
- No, I don't know. It's not like I can compare. But after what Hojo did to me, don't think you can give me any carnal pleasure, Cid."
- Holy materia! Couldn't you have told me that beforehand! Hell, I wouldn't have done that if I had known!"
- Why? You liked it, right? That should be enough."

There's a long silence during which I roll over on the sheets, unaware that my words have hurt him in a way I can't fathom at the moment. At least, not until he lets out an insult and lights up a cigarette.

- What?"
- What? You dare to throw that in my face? Did you really love Lucrecia? Because even I, who never liked Shera, would never dare to throw that in her face!"
- What are you talking about?"
- I don't know if I should hit you or pity you. No one should have to open thighs to please someone else. Vincent, do you really want to be with me, or are you hurting yourself on purpose? I can't love you for two."
- Stop saying that. Desire and love... they are two different things. I'm desired. I am not loved." - Is that it, then? You wanted her, didn't you?"

I can't breathe, strange thing, because I don't need air! Have I been misguided all this time? Did I not love her? I can't believe this possibility! All this pain, for my own chimera? The voice inside me laughs like a madman. No, it can't be true?! Lucrecia was beautiful. A magnificent soul in a marvelous case. A soul so... brilliant. I called her the diamond of the Shin-Ra. A magnificent light that I wanted to call my own. Diamond? My sun? I can't breathe! I pull myself out of the sheets and fall onto the bed rail, naked and vulnerable. As she slipped her fingers into this lie, did she know? Did she understand that this was not love? That the nights we shared were just a common lie?

- Vince! Calm down. Calm down!"

I don't remember my life before the Shin-Ra. Every time I try to remember, the darkness drowns me in despair. Who am I? The heat... Cid's hands hold me to him. I feel his all-consuming heat, but it's suddenly suffocating, and I look at a kid with red eyes and dark hair. He is covered in blood. He is cold. He's terrified. I am one of those cursed children, marked by the red of blood, shed long ago. And all I ever wanted was for someone to love me. Please. Love me!

- Love me..."

When I opened my eyes, my father left my mother and left us alone. When she no longer had enough money to support us, she moved to Midgard. I lived like Barret, Tiffa, and Marlene, in the lower blocks of Midgard, near a Mako reactor. My mother fed me by the oldest trade in the world, and I stole what we lacked. I was convinced that she loved me. A mother could only love her child. But when my sister was born without the color red, my mother abandoned me. Perhaps she realized that it was not she who was marked by the gene, but my father. Her sin became my father's, and therefore, no longer his problem. My mother never loved me. I understood it when she played with my sister when she smiled at her. She looked like a divine light. I would raise my hand to that dazzling ray, but her joyful look turned rancid as she looked at me. Love me! I was only good for stealing and when I was taken, she swore she didn't know me. No one had seen us together, so the crowd turned to me alone. My red eyes, guilty of a crime that was beyond me. My white skin was a sign of a long-forgotten gene, not enough for the crowd to not demand my death. I was just a child when these people tried to kill me. "Monster!" "Kill that monster!" "He has red eyes, he feeds on blood!" "He is a murderer!" "Kill it!" "Damn Chiroptera!" I was trying to deny it, trying to defend myself, but the faceless crowd was scary. When I saw that they were going to hurt me, I protected myself. I don't know how. Though...

That's when the Turks spotted me. Amidst the corpses, they found a child armed with a single blade crying to be loved at last. The man who bent over me was not afraid of my red eyes or my pale complexion. He slid his hand through my hair. His perfume was the heat of summer. The color of his hair was glowing like fire, and I pushed my blood-reddened fingers through it to make sure it wasn't flames. He had laughed a soft, pleasant laugh. Reno's father was a tall, strong man. Even more handsome than his son. He was fearless and confident. If I remained a Turk, it was because he was the only person who ever loved me. Burning like a Mako reactor... He died on a mission shortly before his son was born. And I ran away because I couldn't save the one person who had mattered, who had made me special. Unique.
I chose to serve under Hojo because it was far from Midgard and Reno. How could I tell this child that his father had died to protect me? I was born cursed, stained with shadows and blood, in a bed of pristine snow. And the only person who loved me died. I thought it was my fault. Because of the blood in my eyes. Because of the darkness in my hair. I stopped looking at myself as a human being. I was a monster. He had died protecting me. But why had he done that? Why was I so alone? I missed his voice. His lively laughter licking my skin as I sat on his lap, as the years made me more of a man than a kid. I didn't grow up, hidden behind the living fire of his hair. Was it love? When I came to lose myself in his arms? When I smiled when he told me a joke? When he was my father and my best friend? Yes, it is that light that I still seek. The only one who lit up my life. Who loved me and set me on fire. But that man died, and I couldn't handle the fact that he gave his life for me. A cursed child. He had given me love where no one could love me. He had given me a family, where mine had gotten rid of me... He had given me light, where everyone else was sending the darkness of my blood back at me.

- Vince, I'm here."
- Love me, Cid. Please, love me."

I close my eyes in front of this child lost in the darkness, trying to find a snippet of a past he forgot by forgetting himself. I don't remember my name. Vincent Valentine. That's the name the Mako reactor that pulled me out of the shadows and blood gave me. And I kept it. A sign of my belonging to the family of Turks. A distant echo of a former hero of the Turks who has since disappeared. A sign of my belonging to the fiery light of this man. I don't even remember his name! How could I have forgotten him like that? Maybe I should face Reno and tell him. I killed your father. Forgive me. I have to do this. If there's one thing I have to make up for, it's this. He should have let me starve to death in the filth that saw me born...

- Vincent."

Cid's scent is that of the wind. Ethereal and voluble. I cling to him so he won't leave. I am no longer that child. I am now capable of killing. I would not let Cid sacrifice himself for me. May the blood that covers my darkness never again be that of a loved one. Of one who does not judge my bloody eyes and my dark hair.

- I must borrow the buggy."
- Why?"
- I need to see Reno."

Cid straightens up, forgetting about the engine he was overhauling, then turns his gaze to me. After this overflow of memories, I had faint. I woke up in the wee hours of the morning into his arms while Barret had shouted that the cable car was back in operation. We just grabbed a bite to eat and were back in the Highwind. But before we head back on our quest, I need to see his son.

- Can you drive?"
- I..."

Cid sighs, but he smiles like Reno's father and kicks the metal hatch shut.

- Hey you!"
- Yes, Captain?"
- Tell the kid we'll be back in an hour or two and overhaul that engine for me!"
- Yes, Captain!"

The man runs, following Cid's orders as he puts an arm around my back, leading me toward the garage.

- According to Cait Sith, the Turks and Tseng are closer than you think. It won't be long!"
- You don't have to come."
- Considering what happened yesterday, I do. And I wonder why you want to see that little punk wanker!"
- Because I killed his father..."

Cid looks at me strangely, but he doesn't ask me any questions. He slides into the buggy and takes me to the next town. Finding them was easy because I'm still a Turk. I know how they operate and how to flush them out. And the first tavern is the right one. I hear Reno's voice rise as he hits on a waitress. But I decide to wait for their exit.

- Oi, but who's this? The grandfather and the crazy driver. Elena, drop the gun."

Reno approaches, hopping like his father. He is full of spirit, and his husky, youthful voice reminds me of his father's fiery hair. He wears that same untamed hair so much that I want to touch it. But Reno's look is different, presumptuous and insolent. He looks down at me, pushing his men away with a simple movement of his chin. He looks like his father, but the fire is sterile and cold. It is razor-sharp, and touching it would kill me from the inside. I fall to my knees on the floor of the lonely alley and lower my bloody eyes, so I don't see the ghost of his father.

- I killed him."
- Who are you talking about? Cloud?!"
- Your father. The Nibelheim mission was a total failure. The renegade SOLDIERS wouldn't return, and I wanted to prove myself. If I brought them back, even if they were dead, I could have risen through the ranks. I was hungry for promotions. I wanted to give him the sky. And because of me..."

Reno says nothing. The heavy silence of his lack of reaction prevents me from looking up at him, but suddenly he starts laughing. The fire is warm like a torrent. That laughter is his father's, and I look up to see the light that set me on fire when I was still a kid.

- The old lady told me he died doing his job. She never told me her little "side gig" was a guy. Damn! How old were you at the time? Don't tell me the old man was a fucking pervert who liked kids?"
- No... it wasn't... so. Not physical. Your father never..."
- You didn't kill him. It was those SOLDIERS. And they were eliminated by his second in command. Besides, I was sure that pretty brunette was his "side gig"! Grandpa, I don't know what Hojo did to you because you shouldn't look like that, but know this. He did it because he wanted to. Nobody forces anything on our family. If he saw fit to save your ass, it was because he valued you. Enough to have sacrificed the love of his wife and his own child for you. So do him the honor, will you? The old man was a cheeky one who didn't care about men's rules. He had his own. Enjoy what he sacrificed to you."

Reno crouches in front of me. I can't help but slip my fingers into the fiery hair, but Reno doesn't move, understanding that it's not him I'm looking at. But his father's strangely deformed mirror. He makes a face and then sticks out an arrogant tongue in my direction.

-To touch it is not free! It will cost you that pretty red materia!"

I grab the materia from my belt and hand it to him, watching his cat-like grin grow devilishly long as he lowers his face to me.

- Do I look that much like him?"
- Yes."
- But I'm not him, right? I don't do old gramps, even if they still look young, thank you very much."

When he straightens up, he strikes the same pose as his father, and I cry. Because he, too, doesn't care about the red of my eyes or the darkness of my hair. Reno is just like his father.

- The old man..."
- Jessy was a good man. The only man who never saw me as a monster."
- A monster?"

He doesn't seem to understand. I watch his eyebrows furrow as he tilts his head, toying with his too-long strands of flaming hair that eat into his vision.

- The cursed blood of my genes."
- Your genes?"
- Have you never heard the Chiroptera song?"
- Nope, never! Didn't my father forbid that song in the Turks? - Yes. It says that children who are born with eyes as blood, hair as darkness, and skin as white as snow are cursed with blood that was shed long before the age of Man. My father and mother disowned me because of this."

Reno grimaces as his pinkie finger penetrates his right ear. He sticks his tongue out in disgust as he rolls his eyes then turns to Elena.

- Hey, what do they say again about people with red hair?"
- That they have no soul?"
- Yeah, that's right. I have no fucking soul! What a piece of shit! And blondes aren't as dumb as their feet? Yet, I've never been able to squeeze Elena. Either I'm even dumber than her, or she's not that dumb!"

He dodges the woman's slap with ease in a mischievous smile. He looks so much like his father...

- And bald men... must be something about bald men! Doesn't it have to do with their sexual prowess? Elena could confirm..."

This time, he jumps back to avoid the tackle of the older man who has been silent since the beginning of their exchange. He pulls his glasses up his nose, snubbing the leader of the group, who returns to crouch in front of me.

- Are you cursed? Big deal! You really think I don't have a soul, and my old man didn't have one?"
- He had the most beautiful soul I have ever seen."
- Ha! Ha, Ha! That would make the old lady laugh. She keeps saying the old man was an impossible, annoying kid. Just like me, she says, giving me a Wutaien fight hold that leaves me out for hours..."
- I keep telling myself that it's my fault, because..."
- Your curse? Ha! When it's our time, it is. Mother says we all have to go back to the source of life at some point. And be reborn. That's the order of things... And one more thing... We offer our life to whoever we want, by love, sense of duty, friendship... whatever! If we let the people who count die, we are worth nothing, no better than a soulless SOLDIER. I'd spit in the old man's face if he'd let his "side gig" die for anything."

When I close my eyes, I can almost feel it. Warm and loving. I love it when he speaks without taboo, without filter, rough as a diamond. He always smiles and tilts his head. And when I open my eyes, this is how Reno looks at me, wedging his baton in his neck. I slip between his arms, kissing the corner of his lips because I have never kissed Jessy, and I certainly wouldn't do it to Reno, knowing on top of that that Cid is watching me. The redhead pats my back, not breaking contact, as if he understands that I need this, to feel one last time what his father had left behind.

- I think that'll be two materia. I'd take a green one this time!"

I laugh silently, catching a materia between my fingers. When I raise it into the sunlight of the sky, his eyes and mine watch the light plays with the Mako. Jessy liked to spend hours contemplating the phenomenon. And I would watch this, sitting on her thighs, transfixed by the energy that sailed through her crystallized cocoon. Dancing and shining for us like the river of story life. Jessy had been collecting materia from a young age. His son seems to have the same tastes, so I place it in his hand.

- Thanks, Reno."
- You're welcome! I'm always available when we pay well!"

I straighten up, relieved to have faced some of my past, but before I can walk away from him, Reno grabs me by the arm and makes me turn around.

- Hey, wait, Grandpa! Mom gave this to me when I was still a kid, saying it was my old man's favorite. But I think it should go to you. From what my mom said about it when he looked at it, he seemed sad and distant. And I understand why now."

In the black glove of my armored hand, I see a blood-red materia pulsing like neon under the sun at its zenith. Behind the barrier of light, I can make out a syrupy power like blood almost dark in places, or at least so dense, that the light does not pass through it. This blood-red is amazing.

- It's useless... I mean, there's no power in it. I mean, there is, but I've never been able to make it work. It doesn't seem to be connected to any magic. I don't know what it does. But it has the color of your eyes. That's probably why he never threw it away."

Is it useless? But he still kept it? I smile as I put the materia to my glove. Even if it's useless, I won't take it out again. Jessy, thank you. I hold back my tears because this is silly! I've never cried from happiness, and this seems to go against all logic. I thank Reno and turn my gaze to Cid, who has been following our exchange, crossing his arms the whole time. He seems annoyed until Reno releases me with a laugh.

- Oy, grandpa, sorry, I only touch with my eyes! At the same time, it was he who started it. And I never refuse to let my fans bask in my glory. Besides, if it's well paid, I'm willing to uncover some more..."

Saying this, Reno opens a few buttons of his shirt in a smile of certain connivance, shall we say. This part of him is only his. Jessy has never been so sensual and sexual. Otherwise, it would have been possible for me to be much more than a "side gig". My eyes skim along the pale, winter-white torso that offers itself more and more to my gaze. Not seeing in this debauchery anything that could remind me of Jessy. Behind his childish behavior and his air of young rebel Reno is different from what one can believe. My fingers slide on what I thought were scars, but which are, in fact, tattoos. He smiles, electrifying me like no one ever has, except maybe Hojo.

- Grandpa? You think you can disrespect me like that, young pipsqueak!"
- Oi! What do you want from me, old man?! Do you want me to kick your ass? If you want to taste some fresh meat, come on, I'm your man!"

I sigh as the two men approach each other. Cid is grumpy but lovable like Jessie was. There's more in common between Reno and Cid than one might assume, especially when they're trying to prove who the alpha male of the bunch is. I roll my eyes and grab Cid by the neck, surprising him with my quick movement. Too quick to be human. I kiss his lips. Jessy is dead. Reno is just a mirage. And maybe I never loved Lucrecia. Perhaps, her light reminded me of the one I had lost and was sickly trying to replace. And, maybe, it's the same with Cid. Anyway, at first because today I see. I see all those little things that I loved about Jessy that I don't find in Cid. I see all those little things I like about Cid that Jessy didn't have. I stroke his unshaven beard with a hidden smile and head back to the buggy. A long time ago, the kid, then teenager, then the young adult I was loved a Turk's glowing hair. But that was a long time ago. So long ago that I had forgotten that life. I embarked on a dark path when I lost it. But I still have enough of that enamored kid who could sit for hours in that man's lap daydreaming about the future, to know that what Hojo seeded didn't totally take it all from me. He's still there. Lost in the darkness, looking for someone who won't see death and blood while looking into the depths of his reddish eyes.

- Are you feeling better?"
- I had forgotten. Forgot all about it. Thank you, Cid. You reminded me why I went through all this."
- Because you wanted to get back what you had with her father?"
- Um, someone who wouldn't judge my eyes and hair for what they meant. Someone who would accept them. Someone who would give me light, hot and burning, like his fiery hair. A father... a brother... a friend... and possibly more, because I wasn't a kid anymore and I wanted something more adult too. More carnal. And the first ray of light I saw in Lucrecia's smile, I wanted it to be mine as if to save my soul from damnation. A chimerical love that I embraced to consume me in the darkness. I am Hojo, yes, but I am still this kid who smiles on the thighs of this giant with red hair. Who tells himself that his parents were wrong, that I'm not cursed or only suitable to be left to mob eager of blood that lurks in my eyelids..."
- Vince... even if it's true, even if you're descended from those creatures... it doesn't define who you are. You are who you want to be, plain and simple."
- Will you love me despite the blood and darkness?"
- Until the world is no more."

I close my eyes because I believe it. It feels so good to hear those words that I cry with joy. I keep his hand in mine the whole way, only agreeing to let go when he needs to drive us back to the Highwind.

I don't know how he kept the group from kicking me out when what I did to Yuffie became known. All that he forced me to do was to apologize to the young woman. After that, I went into the Chocobo hold and rubbed the beak of the blackbird coming at me every time. I only have eyes for its darkness. And I think about the possibility of being banished. What would I do without Cid? Would I go back to my coffin? Or would I go to Hojo's sadism to finish his work?

- Ha, I knew I'd find you here."
- Should I leave?"
- No. Well, I had to negotiate hard, so you don't get any closer to a girl until the trip is over."
- Okay."
- What are you going to do when we run into Hojo? Because if we keep running after Sephiroth, we will find him sooner or later..."
- I must kill him."
- And Sephiroth?"

My sin. If he is indeed my son, I must send him back to his mother, but at the same time, I understand his madness because I feel the same. Not being fully human, being an experiment is a burden to carry. Did he have someone to love him besides Jenova? I can't help but feel sorry for him. If only his mother had stayed close to him to teach him what Jessy taught me.

- I couldn't."
- I know. It's okay."
- Someone should have taught him to love and be loved. Someone should have given him light. I know better than anyone what it's like to live in the darkness, blood, and mental torture of Hojo... He and Jenova have done so much harm... Part of me wants to see this world bled dry by the wrath of Sephiroth. If it weren't for you and Jessy... I would be leading this genocide alongside him. Do I deserve your love, Cid? When a part of me wants to see everything burn and disappear in Meteor?"
- More than anyone else. On behalf of humanity, Vincent Valentine, I apologize. What they did to you is not representative of the best that men can do, but of the worst. Whether you are a descendant of Chiroptera or not. And even if you were descended from the purest darkness, you were born human, like me. Like him, who came from the same egg as the others."

I love the smell of cold tobacco when he is close to me. I rub the big beak one last time, sliding my fingers through the shadow feathers with a smile. I believe you, Cid. I offer you this last bit of humanity that remains amidst the blood and pain. Take care of it!

Chapter Text

Finding myself in front of Hojo is strange. I feel like I'm in the torture chamber, and he knows it. He sees the darkness eating the red of my gaze. He thinks he can take me into the abyss of his emptiness, and I am ready to reach out to him. I am like him, now that he has made a monster of himself inside and out. I feel communion when I see in his madness a flange of my own. I look back at my teammates on the ground.

- If you take this hand, I'll spare them."
- Vince, don't do that."

Saving Cid and disappearing into the darkness seems acceptable, as I would eventually kill him. I reach out into Jenova's darkness, welcomed by the gross horror that it is, deep within the cells of my tormentor.

- I would spare them, yes, for it is you who will kill them..."

When I open my eyes again, my milky skin is ebony black, the wings on my back more imposing than ever. A simple movement makes me float above the ground. I feel... indecipherable. Powerful and chaotic. Unstoppable! As I turn toward the cockroaches on the dirt, I am not stopped by my long hair, which defies gravity as it flows up my skull like a crown of bloody flames. I am Chaos. I raise my weapon to the bodies of my companions and float above them in morbid laughter.

- Which one shall I begin with?"
- Show me your allegiance by killing Cid."

My glowing gaze falls on what Hojo has become by assimilating Jenova. I may not be like her, but now that I've reached this form, I understand what she is. Insipid. I am a god, and I will prove it to her. The barrel of my weapon rests against Cid's skull, which doesn't move as he looks at me. There is no fear in his eyes. No judgment. Nothing. He closes his eyes, awaiting the sentence I'm about to offer him.

- Don't do it for him. Don't do it for Hojo. If you pull that trigger, do it because you want to, Vincent!"

I look at this inferior being warily. How dare he give me orders? I growl as I press the barrel against his temple bone, but I feel unable to pull that trigger. I am Chaos. And yet... "Vincent." I look at the man as he stoops toward me, smiling. "From now on, your name will be Vincent Valentine." Who is he? "Don't you think it suits you?" He seems concerned about my lack of response. "Vincent, do you know it means winning? It's a leading name. A name worthy of a future Turk. With this, you'll scare everyone, but you won't just be a killing machine. You'll never just be a monster because you'll also be Valentine. The saint of love. But that also means strength. Vincent, never misuse that strength. Be the weapon of justice. Protect the weak and dispense death sparingly. Promise?" Who are you? You who look at me with that smile... Vincent Valentine? I am Chaos! My mind rambles in the call of blood until my deep breath brings the peculiar smell of tobacco to my nostrils. Cid...

- Are you not afraid of death, human?"
- No."
- Aren't you afraid of Chaos?"
- Never."

The way he smiles at me is strange. I am not the plaything of anyone or anything. I raise the barrel a few inches and shoot Hojo in the head, who collapses to the ground. I am Chaos. Jenova can go burn in the hell of my flames until the end of the world. But before that, I look at the human, who opened his eyes at the detonation. He looks at me as if it is the first time he has seen me, and I grant him the right to bathe in my perfect image.

- What can you do, human?!"
- Do?"
- In what way could you serve Chaos?!"
- To serve?"
- Yes, serve! Can't you hear anything, or are you stupid? Shall I kill you to shorten your stupidity?!"
- I am an engineer. I make flying machines."
- Flying machines? What good would that do me?!"

As if to prove my point, I punch the air with my wings, lifting myself into the air easily. His gaze doesn't let go of me for a second, as if... Is it admiration? Desire? I turn my face in his direction as my wings keep me in the air, inches from his scrutinizing gaze.

- They are no longer red."
- What are you talking about, human?"
- Your eyes. They are bright as suns. The light you've always been looking for was there all along. Vince, if you could see what I see..."

What do you see, show me, human? Show me! It is so easy to get into his thoughts, to see through his inferior creature's eyes. This thing he calls Vincent Valentine is me. My unconscious, human form. The chains of humanity from which I escaped. And this, these yellow glowing eyes, are me. Chaos.

- Is this your heart?"

His hand reaches for a blue glow that shines at the top of my chest. I hadn't seen it before this, too busy sorting out the divergent feelings I have as I face him. I push his hand away with a growl, and my teeth seem to catch his attention and concern.

- Don't touch a god without his approval, bug."
- Sorry."
- Shall I kill you?"
- Only you can answer that question. But I'm glad I got to see what you really are. Vince, you're beautiful. More than anything I have ever conceived nor imagined conceiving."
- Chaos."
- Chaos?"
- My name. What you call Vincent is my dormant version. That this human dog laid his hands on my receptacle, making him a dumping ground for genes, makes me want to kill him again. He knew what I was!"
- What are you?"
- A weapon. Did that dog think I would side with him? By using this woman to trick me out with human feelings?"
- A weapon?"
- Are you an idiot?!"
- You mean we've had a sleeper weapon with us all along?!"
- I am the executioner. I am the reaper of souls. I am Chaos. And I have only one goal, to keep the ebb and flow of souls under control. If the meteor should fall, the planet will need all the help I can offer in the form of fresh, available souls. The annihilation of humanity is not something that will keep me awake at night. Only the planet's fate matters to me because I only need it to live, not you. The cycle will not end with you, I will not give you that pleasure... humans..."

This cockroach dares to laugh in my face. Is he laughing at me? My claws come dangerously close to him, as do my teeth, because I want to rip out his carotid and feed upon his lower and repulsive being's blood! But he opens his eyes before I touch the pale skin of his neck, and he smiles at me as he touches my cheek.

- To think I almost believed your Chiroptera blood nonsense. All that time, you felt different. Monstrous... You weren't a monster, Vincent. But just the opposite. The necessary darkness, protecting Life with a capital L. A protector, Vincent. Not a destroyer. I'm sure Jessy is proud of you. Vince. Save this planet, please, but before you do, let me prove one thing to you... humanity still has much to teach you, Chaos."

This touch on my cheek is repulsive, more so when the mortal's abject lips touch mine and I bite them to signal him not to do this again. But I smile while levitating above him because this human makes me want to... discover... I've already given up on the idea of killing him, but I like the idea of playing with my food...

- What can it teach me? What can you teach me?"
- Love."
- Love?"

I laugh, for human feelings are aberrations! I twirl in the air, thinking I could float like the smoke from his cigarette. Hmm. Vincent's memories are mixing with mine. This should not be happening. I am Chaos! Disgusting! So Vincent Valentine is his lover? It is revolting to know my envelope received an inferior being. Abject! I should kill him for this offense, but my weapon does not manage to find its target, as if something prevented me. What is it? Love? I shouldn't feel love from my other-self. I shouldn't feel anything human. By the River of Life, what is happening to me? The light on my left side shines brightly. I can't stop these visions of this being of flesh touching and embracing my human body. Are these feelings, these sensations mine? That it is... beautiful... sickening and... beautiful?

- Do you love me?"
- If there is still a tiny part of Vincent left, I will love you until the River of Life dissolves. In this life and all others."

This hand he holds out to me, I take it, strangely surprised and pleased by this promise.

- I would know how to remind you of your words."

I put my feet back on the ground, putting the gun away behind my back. I look at the others behind, but I wouldn't lift a finger at them! However, Cid is an exception. MY exception! I suddenly grab his face and kiss him, drawing a tiny bit of my regenerative power through the kiss. I could have done it any other way, but that would have been less fun! I watch him opens surprised eyes and wonder why. Maybe because his body temperature is outrageously burning, compared to mine. I wait, leaning against a wall while he gets his comrades back on their feet, and they stare at me as any sane human should. I can't prevent a teeth-grinding grimace toward one of them as he takes a step back.

- Is that... Vincent?"
- Complicated, but yes. To make it short. Chaos. The team "we're going to save this planet by sheer force of will". Team. Chaos, the planet's weapon."
- A weapon?! But..."
- Under our noses all this time. Dormant. How Aerith never figured out what was under her nose is beyond me!"
- Aerith?"
- The Cetra."
- Oh... the flower seller, yes. She couldn't understand. I hadn't woken up yet."
- Will you help us?"
- To?"
- To save the world and give humanity a chance?"
- In what honor?"
- Because you are also human?"

Nonsense. This envelope may look like a human, but I am not! Would I have wanted to fornicate with a human would not have given anything! However, the offer is tempting. Especially since it is this strange human who is asking me.

- I'll give you until daybreak to convince me to choose humanity over the planet."
- One night?"
- Isn't that enough, human? If you don't feel like it, no problem. I'll start my harvest with your soul. In my great gratitude!"

So, Cid... what are you going to do? Are you going to look at me like you do every time, making me forget the loneliness, the darkness, and the cold? I like to watch you hesitate. I like the sound of your vocal cords as they vibrate when you get lost in your thoughts. I shouldn't love a human, but I do. Many things did not go right. Somewhere in Vincent's life, something went wrong, leading me on this day to face an unlikely scenario! Why did Grimoire abandon his son? Why didn't he influence his son as he should have done? Did he want to save him? Idiot! Vincent was destined to be Chaos, like all red-eyed children. One per generation, keeping the weapon dormant just in case... Strangely, I can't understand why reality has become so distorted because, normally, my awakening would have waited. Meteor is not the end. I'm not supposed to be here. Not like this! Why?

While thinking about everything going wrong with this scenario, Cid approaches me and kisses me. Normally, he would marry Shera and become an illustrious inventor. But here he is, transfixed by love for Vincent and for me. He left his wife for me. What a strange idea... Even though I am a god in front of them, I am unable to foresee the future, now that the past is no longer what it should be. Behind us, the companions are surprised by our kiss. I believe that none of them understood what was happening between Vincent and Cid, except for the Wutai girl, nobody saw. No one knows that Vincent slips into the night to join Cid in his captain's cabin. And they sleep entwined against each other because Cid refuses to touch Vincent's body since he knows Vincent will be unable to feel pleasure.

- Now I know why I fell in love with you."
- A yes?"
- Because you are neither a man nor a human."

My smile stretches as he slides his face against mine. I am Chaos. But I am also Vincent Valentine, and I close my arms against the body of this weak being who should disgust me.

- Meet me in my cabin."
- Because you think sex will make me want to fight alongside you? I am not Vincent!"
- Can't you feel anything in this form?"
- Not what I said. But sex has no meaning for a weapon. Very disappointing. You, animals, are always thinking about carnal pleasures... I am not an incubus! Hell, is that what you want me to be? Be careful what you wish for, Cid. It could kill you."
- What do you want me to give you?"
- Your life. "
- It is yours."

The scenario is already well destroyed. What I am about to do is unnatural, but do I have anyone to answer to? No one. I am Chaos! My clawed hand reaches into my essence and extracts a bluish fragment. The light shines on the golden claws of my hand. The fingers dance, catching Cid's eye, and suddenly there is blood. A lot of blood! I watch at his lost and frightened look when he realizes that my claws have penetrated his torso at the level of his heart. Behind us, people scream his name, but my wings make a shroud to the man who dies from my fingers, so they do not interrupt anything with their phoenix tails nor materia.

- What the..."
- I cannot love a mortal. I cannot keep your soul if I do not reap it myself."

The life in his eyes dries up. But before her soul joins the River of Life, I tie him to my essence. Now, every time Chaos takes the body of a red-eyed chosen one, the soul attached to him will return too. Cid, I am making you as immortal as I am.
Vincent always wanted to do this, but his blood would have only made you a Hojo's supplicant. I'd rather you be mine!

The others look at me like I'm crazy, but suddenly Cid's body stirs. A mere spasm as his soul is returned to his body. I will arrange this condition of clinical death when the soul has taken over. The body convulses twice more before Cid opens his eyes. He looks confused and then insane. The soul is so fragile.

- Welcome back."
- What... Am I...dead?"
- I'm afraid so."
- Why?"
- So you can keep your promise! Whenever I am called back, you will be there. Maybe because of that, I will choose humanity. But since you are no longer human, I promise nothing."
- I am..."
- Mine. Not a weapon! We tend not to like each other very much. Sibling rivalry, you know?"
- I'm gonna keep that hole in my heart?"
- I forgot... who has a materia to fix this body, too much of my power could distort your soul, and I love it that way."

I turn away from Cid as his friends come to heal the wound on his human body while I head to the Highwind.

- Where are you going?"
- To your cabin! Now that you're not slowed down by your humanity... maybe you'll know how to please me. Or you will faint under my impatient domination... I am afraid it is impossible to satisfy me with only a night ahead of us. Your wish seems an unattainable dream, Cid. But miracles can happen..."

How will the future be written? I don't know, but it seems brighter with Cid at my side through my eternal longevity. After these successive eras of life and death, I surveyed the meaning of existence in the cold and death, in the harvests of souls to no longer be moved by mass extinction. I have become insensitive because that is the lot of a weapon! However, becoming human gave me aspirations. I am Chaos. I am Vincent Valentine!