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Chapter Text

Seven years was nearly an eternity for people to stay married, Louis assumed they'd hit their "seven year itch" both busy trying to juggle their work and raising twins, and keep time aside for each other. 

Harry noticeably was staying out later, Louis couldn't pin point where the shift started, Louis felt he was coexisting in a room he no longer belonged in. Somehow they'd fallen into a routine, Harry coming in sometime after one Louis ignoring pretending he was asleep, (easier then the argument that would follow) Louis waking up in an empty bed while Harry entertained the kids before having to leave again. Realistically he could pretend Harry was busy with his album, he'd taken almost two years off, not that he'd lost interest but it was hard being on the road with two  kids. Tonight Louis felt off, he'd already suffered through nearly six months of this, he wasn't sure how much longer he could pretend it was normal. He heard the steps on the stair case, Louis had an act for knowing whether he'd been drinking or not all by how his foot steps sounded coming up stairs. Louis' eyes stayed trained on the door, watching his husband walk in, rubbing a hand over his face. Harry jumped back a bit when he looked up and seen Louis eyes trained on him. 

"Shit Louis," he breathed, shaking his blazer off leaving it on the floor. "Your still up?" A question that was ridiculous, Louis was up every night when Harry sauntered in, he was just a bit sick of pretending anymore. Louis blinked, the fact he felt this uncomfortable with the man he'd been in love with since he'd been eighteen was concerning. 

"Yeah, couldn't sleep." He lied, well sort of, he couldn't sleep but it was because the pit of his stomach was telling him that something was terribly wrong in his marriage. "Where were you?" He questioned back, coming off way more bitter then he'd thought Harry slipped into the bed, narrowed eyes and raised eyebrows. 

"I told you, I've been finishing up the album." He spoke calmly, his eyes didn't match his words and Louis could tell in the dim light he was lying. 

"Until nearly two am? For the last six months?" His voice raised threatening to break, Harry's facial expression never changed, hidden behind it was something Louis couldn't place. 

"Fuck sake Louis, would you like me to sit at your feet all fucking day?" He snapped, turning away from Louis, Louis furrowed his eyebrows, swallowing. He had two options, blame it on behind tired and drop it or have an absolute nightmare argument. Nether sounded great to him, the room was silent, Louis breath hitched as Harry opened his mouth again. "It's not like you don't fucking remember what recording was like." Louis took a breath sighing deeply, this was the angle he was going to play at. 

"I do actually, and actually I work at a record label, one I actually own so I'm very aware of the fact shit doesn't go on this late. I'll ask again and if you're going to keep giving me bullshit I'm sleeping elsewhere. Where the fuck were you?" Life after One Direction was weird, Louis felt a bit lost, he'd put out two albums but really didn't have the heart in them. He ended up buying a building and turning it into his own label, he liked the managing part more then the performing part anymore. 

"I was out," he replied, flatly and dismissive, Louis hoped out of the bed grabbing his laptop from bedside table, not watching for Harry reaction. "What the fuck do you exactly think Louis, that I'm cheating on you?" Louis froze, because well it was in the back of his mind, he swallowed hard turning back to face Harry. 

"Is it something I should be concerned about?" He snapped back, Louis scanning Harry's face for any indentation that what he feared wasn't true. 

"Are you actually kidding me? Louis, come off it." Louis shook his head, turning back around without another word, he wasn't exactly denying it or admitting it. Louis had had the sinking suspicions for the last two months, the album was finished, Niall had said as much. They hadn't had sex in months, Harry hadn't so much as kissed him in weeks, it was the obvious reason. Harry didn't follow to the guest room, Louis took his absence as an unspoken truth. 

He'd been able to brush it off at first, and it didn't start out as late nights, something just felt off then Harry started to distance himself. Louis felt awful even thinking Harry would do that but he didn't exactly deny it, he couldn't even fathom who it would be with. His mind wouldn't stop every time he seen Harry in a photo with anyone, wondering was this the man taking my husband away? 

Louis watched the clock tick in the bedroom until it hit six and realized he wasn't getting sleep, he got out of the bed, stretching the girls would be up soon anyways. Two six year olds were always great in the morning when you didn't have half a brain cell, Louis was thankful for them because if not he hadn't a clue how he'd keep his sanity. 

Louis started the coffee pot, tapping his fingers against the kitchen island shutting his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose. Filling his mug, he heard heavy feet down the hall away, Louis wasn't sure when he'd began to realize who's feet were walking but it was a talent he wish he didn't possess. He lifted his eyes as he poured the coffee, watching Harry walk down to the kitchen, sitting on the barstool. He cleared his throat, and Louis turned to the fridge grabbing the creamer. 

"Look I'm not- I don't know where you've got this idea from, I'm not sleeping with anyone." Harry started out, Louis wasn't sure if it felt bitter on his tongue but the air around it felt bitter. Louis figured after being together nearly nineteen years he could read Harry like an open book, he was thirty-six for Christ sake he wasn't a naive teen anymore they weren't kids. 

"I just asked a simple fucking question, you were the one that said it." Louis replied sharply, taking a drink of his coffee, Harry's eyes all over him. Louis gazed to the clock, the girls would be up soon and he didn't fancy having a blowout when they could possibly hear. 

"I figured you were insinuating something that's not true, I'll be home more." Louis figured that sounded like I don't want to be home but I guess your making a fuss so I'll try. 

"You know it's not even me it's Vivienne and Lola, there six Harry they haven't seen their father before bed in six months, you don't get to listen to them cry for you before bed. I do." Really it was true, Louis was so tired and frankly at this point their marriage wasn't a real one, it was more or less the girls who doted on Harry. Harry who hadn't been around for so long Louis wasn't sure the excuse to use anymore, Louis knew how he'd felt as a child with an absent father he was sure the girls would be more confused as their dad was around just not always. Harry swallowed and that seemed to strike a nerve, almost looking guilty and Louis didn't actually want to know the reason his face fell like that. 

"I've got a few weeks free now, I'll be around all day." Harry stated, Louis sighed with a huffed breath. "Why don't we take them out today, been ages." Louis bit back the comment it was on his account they'd not been a family but two sets of feet were heard running down the stairs. Louis' sister Lottie had surrogated for them, although seemingly they both in Louis eyes favoured Harry. The girls came bouncing down, giggling wide smiles as they seen both their dads. Louis figured it would be confusing as they often hadn't had this sight in the morning in ages, Lola squealed 'good morning daddies' as Vivienne the more quite twin took a seat next to Harry on the barstool. Sometimes his marriage felt like the last year of One Direction, everyone knew it was the end but acting like everything was fine so no one guessed there was a problem. 

"Daddy," Lola started out, opening the fridge and grabbing out a juice for her and Vivienne. "Can we have waffles!" She squealed towards Harry, Harry smiled, dimples popping picking her up spinning her. 

" 'corse lovely, Viv, waffles?" Vivienne lifted her head off the countertop looking towards her dad smiling with a nod, Lola taking the seat Harry was in. This seemed oddly normal and oddly scary, they hadn't a morning like this in ages, Louis wasn't sure if he was meant to think it was okay. 

"Feeling alright Vivienne?" Louis questioned sitting besides his daughter, slumped over the island. She lifted her head, blue eyes beaming, smiling she nodded. 

"Alright papa, just tired, can I have coffee? You said that you need coffee or you can't function I think that's what's wrong with me this morning." Louis gave Vivienne a look snorting, fluffing her hair. 

" 'fraid not darling, maybe when your older." She huffed, and Lola slide a juice box over to her, she grabbed it giving her sister a look then they both laughed. Louis had two sets of twins in his family and bond was amazing, it always had amazed Louis. It felt like an oddly normal Saturday morning as they ate breakfast, although the tension between Harry and Louis when they spoke was there. 

"Go get washed and dressed, me and dads going to get the kitchen cleaned." Louis said clearing plates off the table, as the two girls got up, Louis hadn't been paying attention to what they'd been giggling about walking away. Harry opened his mouth to talk as a knock at the door came, and Liam came walking through the door holding his newest son Georgie. 

"Tomlinson's," he announced, Louis eyes snapping over to Liam car chair in hand. 

"Kitchen," Louis called back, Harry making eyes towards Liam. "Thought you were meant to be away with Maya for the day?" He questioned as Liam sat down at the barstool, taking George out of the car chair and holding him. 

"Mind watching him Haz, was going to ring but Louis and I are much needed." Louis rolled his eyes huffing, one of their new to be signed singers Ashley was giving them much trouble, Louis would have said work else where if he didn't feel it would be beneficial in the long run. 

"Of Course, come here darling." Harry said sweetly, making Louis stomach turn taking George out of Liam's arms, bouncing the nine month old. Vivienne came running through, with a trakkie on jumping on Liam. 

"Did you bring Georgie, oh my- daddy I want a brother!" She squealed as Lola came through dressed almost the same only her hair definitely was not brushed, she was natured very much like Louis. They'd wanted to have more kids, it'd been a discussion, last year. Gemma had often asked why they hadn't went on to have more kids, nether of them really knew. One thing rolled into the next an suddenly they had six year olds and hadn't ever gone forward with having more, which was painful enough when they'd both wanted more. 

"A baby is not a pet, love." Louis commented, as Harry was bent down with the twins kissing George, trying to hold him. Lola stuck her tongue out towards Louis and Liam snorted, elbowing Louis who rolled his eyes.  "Is this about Ashley?" Louis questioned undoubtedly it was, apparently people weren't as naive signing contracts anymore Louis some times wished they'd been when they'd gotten signed, always a loophole with Simon Cowel. Liam nodded, getting a bottle out as George fussed in Harry's arms passing it over as Harry started to feed the baby, it made him miss when the twins were that age and wish they had a new born but now genuinely wasn't the time. Any other time the sight of Harry holding a new born would have made him instantly think about doing surrogacy again, or adopting, they weren't against it but they'd always preferred surrogacy, now it was unsettling. Unsettling because everything seemed normal, this was casual, but then the lingering over his head was Harry genuinely having an affair? He was two steps from taking a nervous breakdown, the thought of Harry blatantly going behind his back to ruin their marriage- their family, how could he even do that to the girls, count Louis out, how do you explain to two six year olds their daddy doesn't want their other dad anymore? Louis was brung out of his thoughts, Liam's hand on his shoulder, looking over trying to wipe the concern off his face. Liam gave a look Louis shrugged. 

"Right well be off, won't be long just make sure he goes down for a nap soon." Liam said, Harry nodding cradling George. They girls following Harry to the living room.  Louis followed Liam out, sliding his shoes on and grabbing a jacket, sometimes he missed the heat of LA, but being in england in the winter was his favourite. It was only the beginning of December and Louis wasn't sure how the rest of the month would fare, of if he could stay civil enough from Christmas. "What was up with that? You an H have it out?" Liam questioned as Louis slid into the passenger seat of Liam's car, was he that obvious? 

"Somewhat, I guess. Last night, he's just been coming back late after the studio, bet Maya's been cross with you about it too." He said casually, Liam had been helping Harry with a few bits with the album, Louis stayed out of it, he wasn't an artist anymore and he couldn't go back to the studio, it just wasn't for him no more. Liam's face was set with confusion, and Louis' stomach dropped. "What?" Louis questioned, Liam shrugged, not taking his eyes off the road. 

"Nowt, not my place-"

"If you know something, Liam." Louis cut him off Liam, swallowing. 

"We've been done most days before three, like he's not at the studio 'til late." He admitted and Louis felt sick, the whole thing was a lie. 

"Who's he been with then? 'Cause it's certainly not his family." Louis spat, Liam felt like he'd opened a box he wasn't sure if he should have. 

"Dunno, he uh, leaves alone? He dropped me off yesterday, what's going on?" Wouldn't Louis love to fucking know, Louis closed his eyes, on the verge of loosing his shit because it was one thing thinking it and another actually hearing something. 

"I don't fucking know, but he's out 'till all sodding hours half the time twatted, reckon he's havin' an affair or sommat." Louis was waiting to judge Liam's reaction see if he'd known more then what he was letting on to, but the look of awe stuck was clear. 

"He can't— no Lou, probably just havin' a midlife crisis or whatever. Maybes the album has like put him over the edge- you have been together ages. Don't be daft he can't be cheating like." Louis raised an eyebrow, because Liam was honestly trying to convince him, his husband was sitting idol on his own every night for the past six months. 

"I'm not being daft about it, I'm not a fuckin' idiot Li, it's not out of the question to think it. Not like it matters how long we've been together, matters the fact I even have to suspect it." God he felt like being sick, the reality of it was he had to be sneaking around with someone else, you didn't finish something in the afternoon and come back home in the late hours of the night, it wasn't logical. Louis didn't have a single doubt Harry had a side piece, not now at least. Liam parked the car, turning to Louis, who wore an expression Liam hadn't wished to see, pure defeat. 

"Lou, we'll sort this out, it's not— It'll be fine, promise." He said softly, Louis wanted to believe that but for the first time in the  eighteen years he'd been with Harry, he wasn't sure it was going to be fine.

Chapter Text

Louis heart was in his throat, he could hear Harry's voice floating through their office room, not wanting to make a noise, he listened from the other side of the door. 

"Evan," he breathed, Louis' eyes were wide, who the fuck was Evan and why the fuck was his husband speaking in a hushed tone in their office. "Yeah well don't fuckin'— yeah okay. Sure. Tuesday. No— Louis isn't going to be there, he's got sommat with the label I think." Tuesday? What the fuck was Tuesday, Louis tried to rack his brain, still listening leaned against the wall. "Fuck, yes— don't say things like that when I can't see you." Louis swore he could feel the colour drain from his skin, as a soft whimper fell from his husbands lips. "Baby—" Harry breathed, Louis put a hand over his mouth, with half a brain of walking in the actual room, he was frozen. Louis wasn't sure how long he stood for not even listening to the conversation anymore, just existing. Suddenly he snapped out of it, walking quietly down the stairs, grabbing a bottle of wine and not even half way hesitating drinking out of the bottle.  Louis sat in the dark of the kitchen light, with a bottle of his very favourite red wine pressed against his lips. Pausing when he heard feet coming down the stairs, he watched the small heart attack his husband had when walking into the kitchen, clutching his chest. 

"Jesus Christ, Louis, you have to stop doing that." He breathed, Louis just hummed, pressing the bottle back to his lips taking a drink, watching Harry's eyebrow raise. "We're glasses not an option, or?" He questioned, Louis wanted to laugh. Wouldn't be the cause of his husband cheating on him, that would make him sit and drink out of the bottle, would it?

"Sommat like that." He replied shortly, Harry opened the small fridge, below the kitchen island and pulling another bottle out, setting it on the table and grabbing a glass. Louis leaned against the countertop, eyes following Harry's movements, how the fuck was it that nothing in his expression changed? "Finally got that shit sorted out, won't need to do it Tuesday now." He lied cautiously, trying to hit a nerve, Harry blinked a few times, never actually faltering in his emotions, taking a drink from his glass and setting it down. 

"Oh?" Harry questioned, Louis wanted to scream, how stupid was he making Louis out to be, Louis just nodded. Harry's teeth clenched a bit, Louis could see that hit some kind of nerve. There was a pregnant pause, Louis watched Harry fiddle with his rings leaning over the kitchen island. "I have— I'm having a few around on Tuesday, just small, for erm, dinner. Y'know like a thanks to everyone who helped with the album, you'll be 'round then?" Harry stumbled a bit with the sentence, Louis nodded as Harry took a drink, slight look of disappointment apparent across his face. When did he become so great at hiding how he'd felt? At what point had Louis lost him? Louis set the bottle on the countertop, almost wanting to smash it when he set it down, crossing his arms across his chest. 

" 'corse darling," he chastised, Harry's eyes narrowing. "Wouldn't want to miss that, 'specially being it's in my house." He snapped trying to make it a joke, it really wasn't, he watched Harry purse his lips, taking a drink.  Louis walked close to Harry's side, he didn't want to call Harry out on it now, because he wanted to see the man that was taking the attention away from him and their children. Louis finger trailed down Harry's spine, Harry's jaw was clenched hard, Louis leaned his lips close to Harry's ear, almost biting on the ear lobe, while Harry stayed still. "Wouldn't want to miss any party my husband threw in our house, where our kids sleep, on the table my husband-"

"What angle are you playing at?" Harry cut him off, abruptly, turning to face Louis, his forehead almost touching Louis' he could practically taste the wine from Louis' lips. Louis' eyes were stern, not moving an inch, Harry closed the space between them, attaching his lips to Louis' Harry's hands tight on Louis' sides. The feeling alone was so overwhelming, Louis felt pathetic, Louis struggled finding a thought for a minute before wanting to pull away, everything felt so foreign, so unlike them it make his skin crawl. 

Despite every nerve ending in Louis' body, he let Harry continue, he breathed heavy as Harry's lips trailed to his neck, fingers playing at the button on Louis' jeans. How long had it even been? Louis couldn't actually remember the last time they'd had sex— cut off by his own train of thought, Harry bit down on the nape of Louis' neck, Louis whimpered. "Quiet H, the twins." He said and that made him feel like an prat, his husband was most likely cheating on him, but he was concerned about how loud they could be so the girls didn't come down stairs. Harry let go of Louis, only to come behind him again, pressing himself hard into him, Louis moaned, feeling every bit of pathetic he knew he was. 

"Fuck Lou," Harry cried, as Louis was grinding his ass against Harry's crotch. "Get your kit off then." He moaned into Louis' ear, and fuck if Louis felt any lesser of himself it wouldn't have been possible, apparently he had not an ounce of self restraint or respect because the first time his husband showed him attention in ages and he was hard as a fucking rock. Basically chocking for his dick, he hadn't felt like a horny teenager his entire marriage until this point, eighteen fucking years basically down the drain and Louis didn't know what to do about it. Louis was thirty-six for christ sake he wasn't a child, he should know better then to just ignore the obvious elephant, but he didn't. Louis kicked out of his jeans, Harry slipping his own off, Louis hated the fact Harry was still the fittest man he could think of despite what his mind was screaming. Harry's hands gripped Louis' ass hoisting him up over top of the island, any other time Louis would have been ecstatic, nothing more he loved then being bent over a countertop, but the pit of his stomach churned as Harry's fingers found his way inside of Louis. He let out a moan, feeling Harry's breath hot on the back of his neck. 

"Gonna fuck you right into this," he spoke heavily, Louis felt like a puddle beneath him, melting in his hands, craving any bit of love, or lust or whatever the fuck Harry could give him. "Always so good baby." Came again, the word feeling like poison, after hearing him say it earlier hushed and rushed. Louis yelped, embarrassingly, as Harry's cock rounded into his hole, Harry grunted roughly slamming his hips into Louis' backside. They'd had far more vanilla sex if Louis was honest, quick and rushed when the twins were newborns, Harry took a fit of being ridiculously turned on anytime Louis fed one of the girls, Louis googled it, it was like a maternal thing. "Louis," he grunted snapping Louis out of his thoughts, he wasn't sure how  he'd been able to be so hard he was that far into his own head. Louis let out a hiss as Harry pounded back into him, hipbones hitting the marble countertop, dangerously close. 

"Like that," Louis breathed, as Harry hit into him harder, faster, so fast it made Louis feel a bit dizzy. Harry's hands squeezed into Louis' hips as Harry came undone, riding it out with a soft moan. Harry's hands played at Louis' balls, whimpering he didn't last much longer, falling lax across the countertop. Louis let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding as Harry let go of his sides, trying to regain, strength he lifted himself off the side, turning back to face Harry who was grabbing a towel from the hallway closet. He breathed heavily a few times, before Harry passed the towel to Louis, wiping himself off. He watched Harry swallow, eyes glued to Louis. "Been ages." Louis commented, and yeah because he had to be a sadist and ruin any bit of happiness in his life at the moment because the sinking feeling of everything being of kilt was killing him slowly. 

"Sorry." Harry said back lowly, rubbing a hand down Louis' side, almost feeling a bit belittling, Louis dropped it. Louis dropped the fact he'd just said it'd been so long since his husband had even attempted any sort of attention towards him, and his response was sorry. The sorry lingered in Louis' mind, as he crawled into their king sized bed, feeling just as far away from him as before. What did the sorry mean? It kept Louis up, until he felt like he couldn't breathe, how did they become this?

***

The days following past, in a weird string, Harry was home, being ever so lovely and Louis' stomach churned every night. Tuesday morning came quickly, Harry fussing about with the catering staff, Louis trying to sort the twins out. 

"Lola please," Louis cried as the six year old wouldn't sit still long enough for Louis to brush through her hair, Vivienne was jumping from bed to bed and Louis was actually going to have a mental break down. "Vivienne, stop— you sodding girls today!" He screamed, the two girls gasped mouths open, stopping in their tracks.

"Papaaaaa!" They squealed in unison, Vivienne jumped on to the ground, sitting with a huff, grabbing her iPad. Louis hated being an iPad dad, but sometimes it was the best thing for a few minutes of peace. Lola fell into Louis lap, sticking her tongue out, Louis closed his eyes shaking his head. 

"Please Lo, your hairs going to be in dreads if you don't let me brush it." Her lips twisted pouting, who ever said newborns and toddlers were tyrants obviously didn't have two six year old spoil brat twins. No matter how much they'd said they wouldn't spoil them, it all went out the window, sometimes Louis wasn't sure who had more control the twins or him and Harry. 

"When can I go with aunt Dot, she's not mean." Lola fussed, squealing as Louis gently brushed through the knot at the nap of her neck. 

"Soon, darling." He sighed, the girls loved to pull a 'you're-mean-to-us' card way too often, Louis figured that's why they'd gotten so spoiled. 

"Can we have maccy's!" Vivienne exasperated, excitedly Louis give her a look, despite how poorly he'd ate throughout his life, having kids he'd make sure to not live them off fast food. Lola didn't mind, Vivienne however loved a spot of takeout.

"Ask Dottie, she's the one dealing you to gits for the night." Lola snatched the iPad out of Vivienne's hands, Vivienne' eyes wide. 

"Lola!" She screamed, as Lola got out of Louis' lap giggling running out of the room with the iPad in hand, Vivienne give Louis a look of 'stop her!!!' Louis sighed thankfully hearing Lottie's voice. 

"C'mon, aunt Dot's down stairs. I'll make Lola give it back don't pout your lip." Vivienne rolled her eyes, bouncing out of the room, he wasn't sure how he was going to survive them as teenagers. Coming to the stairs, Lottie was in hysterics, the two girls almost fighting, not rare even if Louis wished it was. 

"Girls— Christ sake, could you not have said to stop?" He snapped at Harry who was watching just as amused as Lottie, Harry stiffened a bit as Lottie glanced over with a confused look at Louis. Harry grabbed the iPad, both girls whined. 

"Daddy no!" They squealed, Harry holding the iPad over his head. 

"Nope. If you can't share nether of you can have it." They did not like that, both girls throwing themselves on the couch, arms crossed. "Spoiled little brats you two." He commented back Lola all but snarling at her dad, Vivienne giving a side eye. 

"Auntie Dottie," Lola drawed out, smile deep on Lottie's face, as she took the seat besides them, Louis took it as his que to leave and get their bags sorted, as long as they'd stopped arguing. Louis, finished getting the small pink suite case zipped, Harry popping his head into the bathroom, leaning against the door frame. 

"There getting a bit out of control," he admitted, Louis raised an eyebrow, a bit? They'd past that, Louis now had kids he'd said he'd never have, absolutely spoiled. Louis always thought it was a bit obnoxious, and really it was cute, up until late where they actually couldn't do anything with them unless it was what they'd wanted. 

"Hopefully once the school starts again they'll be more behaved." Louis replied, he did hope for that, he hoped someone could instil discipline to them, because he certainly wasn't able to. Harry hummed, arms crossed, still leaning against the door frame. 

"Was thinking about taking a trip, just us. You fancy?" Louis' face did the thing where it told you what he'd thought before he said it, didn't matter how much media training he'd done, his face was too readable. Harry's face faltered a bit, he couldn't even feel bad. 

"Just us?" He questioned, standing up off the bathroom tile, Harry looking around the room before nodding. 

"Yes?" Louis took a breath, sighing, it'd been forever since they'd went anywhere nice just them. "Thinking somewhere warm— maybe after the new year?" Any normal time Louis would have jumped at the offer, now it almost felt like a buy out.

(Sorry I'm having an affair, let's go abroad so you don't think anything's wrong) 

Louis' silence was ringing through the bathroom, he'd never been more thankful for little feet running up the stairs, bouncing girls jumping on him. 

"Auntie Dottie, said to hurry on." Vivienne chastised, pulling on Louis' leg, Louis lifted her up, peppering her face with kisses. She pulled away giggling. 

"Itchy, papa." She giggled, as Lola tried to climb up his leg, Harry took Vivienne, as Louis lifted up the other twin grabbing the suitcase with his free hand. 

"Come on them lovely, make sure to eat lots of sweets and absolutely wreck Dots new couch, hm?" Louis mused, passing Lottie who swatted his arm. 

"Git," she mumbled, Louis snorted. "S'all sorted lovelies? Maybe we'll have a go at some hair dye?" Harry's eyes went wide, as Lottie couldn't contain her laughter. "You're face, oh darling I know your fathers would have me head. Soz, we can use wigs though! How fun!" The girls smiled wide, as they were placed back on the ground latching on to Lottie. 

"Thanks Charlotte," Harry said smiling at the two little girls putting their shoes and coats on. "Make sure they go down before nine." Lottie rolled her eyes, and Louis felt like doing the same, Harry hadn't been around to put the girls to bed much lately, he wouldn't exactly know first hand how they were staying up way past bedtime. 

"They'll be perfect angels, won't you lovelies, hurry on now. We'll go get some maccy's for tea." The girls squealed giving a wave goodbye as Lottie grabbed the bag, heading out. Louis let a breath out, turning away from the door. He wasn't sure how to be alone with Harry anymore, and that hurt. 

"I should— I'm going to get ready." He spoke quickly, Harry's eyebrow raised. 

"What's this about Louis?" Louis huffed a breath, not meeting Harry's eyes, running a hand through his hair. 

"Nowt, it's just— going to get done," he lied, Louis hated lying to him but he couldn't have this discussion now, and undoubtedly Harry wasn't going to exactly fess up. He'd already given Harry the opportunity, in which he lied, and Louis needed to see exactly who was bedding his husband before actually having this conversation again. Harry pursed his lips, sighing and shrugging his shoulders going back over the tables and rearranging a flower vase. Louis wasn't exactly sure how he could stomach much more of this, he genuinely wasn't. 

***

By the time Louis fussed with his trousers, he heard Harry's voice booming, with laughter greeting everyone at the door. Louis had deliberately taken way longer than necessary to get ready, avoid any alone contact with his husband, that should count as pathetic he figured. Taking one last look in the mirror, pushing his hair back, he sighed. Down to the lions den, would this Evan actually show? Louis hadn't a clue what the lad looked like, couldn't even picture it, he just hoped nether him or Harry was so bold. Louis went down the staircase, regretting every step, eyes landing on Liam. Liam raised an eyebrow, as a younger blonde bloke grabbed Liam's arm. Louis give a quick smile, trying to hold it together. 

"Fancy you should join," Liam joked, the blonde's brown eyes gazing over Louis, almost coming over as judgemental. "This is Evan Adams, he's been working with me lately." Louis' eyebrow raised, biting his jaw down, almost grinding his teeth. 

"Louis Tomlinson," he said, holding his hand out. "Harry's husband." He all but snapped, Liam didn't look impressed, the boy (that's what Louis would call him was he even over twenty-one?) smirked a bit. 

"Heard loads about you." Matching Louis' grit, Louis snorted, pulling his hand away. 

"All good things I hope." Liam felt uncomfortable, the tension was so thick. 

"Mostly. Nice to meet you then." Louis narrowed his eyes as Evan walked away. 

"The fuck?" Liam questioned, Louis leaning against the banister of the staircase. 

"He has the fucking nerve— this is my house is it not?" Liam's eyes glanced around the room, desperately needing a drink, he wasn't exactly sure where this was headed. 

"How do you—" Louis cut Liam off by pulling him down the hallway to the foyer. 

"He's fucking my husband, or more like my husband is fucking him— one or the other." Liam furrowed his eye bows with an exasperated sigh. 

"Lou," he whined, Louis shook his head. 

"No I get you think Harry's having some sort of mid life crisis or whatever but I fucking heard them, after I came back the other night Harry was in the office and I heard him and he said that pricks name." Louis was fuming, his husband was fucking a child, because that what it looked like Evan fucking Adams probably only just found out he liked men. 

"Well we work together, look Louis, he's like new I think Sarah hired him or sommat, dunno. He's like twenty-two just out of collage, I don't think he's sleeping with Harry, I would have noticed." Louis wanted to scream, Liam could be so sodding thick. 

"I'm not bloody crazy—"

"Tomlinson," Louis neck nearly snapped as Nick opened the door, confused smirk, Louis sighed. "Was it ever a question on how absolutely mental you are?" He joked, Louis give an annoyed fake smile back and Nick raised an eyebrow. 

"Give us a 'mo Nick would you," he pleaded, Nick kicked off his boots, with a shrug. 

"No I think we'll have this conversation, later, much much later. Louis here needs a drink, why don't you have some vodka and bitch about your problems to unsuspected women, they love that. Maya will be all ears." Nick snorted, patting Liam's back as Louis huffed in annoyance following the two to the set up dining room, he couldn't place why Liam was so against believing him so sure Harry couldn't possibly be cheating. Louis reluctantly grabbed a drink of a tray, apparently posh shit did it for him now, he'd never been a wine or champagne drinker until the last three years. Harry slid behind him, placing a kiss on his cheek, Louis almost shuddered. 

"You look like your going to bust a blood vessel," Harry whispered, Louis turned his head to face, him trying to keep his face neutral. "Liven up a bit." Louis scoffed, opening his mouth to give him cheek, deciding that wasn't the best to do— publicly. Louis shook his head lifting his glass to his lips, almost finishing it. 

"Bit suffocating innit?" He replied lowly, Harry stiffened a bit, blinking. 

"Please, not now." Louis rolled his eyes walking away, this was going to be painful. Louis withstood it, somehow, maybe getting blinded drunk helped, he danced around the room avoiding Harry almost to the point it was obvious. Louis set his glass down, god he'd pay for this in the morning, blinking he found his was up stairs to their ensuite bathroom. Louis bit his lip, narrowing his eyes at Harry's phone on the countertop, could he stoop any lower? He wouldn't think on that now, he closed the door locking it, picking up the phone with a sigh unlocking it. Taking a breath, he clicked on Harry's text messages, seeing Evan's name first on the list. Debating whether he should purposely break his own heart or not, he clicked on it. 

Evan A : should I like not come?

Don't be daft... 

It's not like an issue. 

Soz Louis sister came to get the twins. 

Put on that sexy turtle neck, god I could wreck you in that. 

U think the hubs is gonna be fine lol

Not like he knows. 

E just don't over think it. 

Could even fuck you in my bed... Think about it?

Kinky bastard 

Kind like the idea of being caught... think he'd join? Lol.... 

Fat chance. 

Maybe?

Ur hubs just almost broke me hand lol

Reckon he's not daft like

Just Lou. 

Doesn't like people he doesn't know. 

Meet me up stairs?

Ur bed? Love to ;)

Louis felt sick. It was one thing assuming, it was a whole other fucking ball game to see it, Louis pulled his own phone out, snapping a photo of the screen, no way he'd talk in circles about it this time. 

Louis locked the phone setting it down, god in their fucking bed? Louis closed his eyes tear sliding down his cheek, the thought of his Harry, the one he'd dedicated his life to, the one he married, the one he'd made a life with— having an affair? For what exactly? Louis took a breath, trying to compose himself, god he shouldn't have gotten this drunk. He needed to leave he couldn't be in this house any longer, he fixed himself quickly, unlocking the door glancing at the bed  perfectly made he might add. Guess he was good at covering his tracks, not well enough to not leave his phone laying around idly though. 

Louis went back down stairs, everyone still chatting about, scanning the room for Liam finding him laughing with some people they worked with. 

"Li, I'm leaving." He whispered, Liam turning around to him cocked eyebrow. 

"Louis— what? Where?" Liam give Louis a look, Louis looking frantic. "Okay, breathe where's—"

"Please take me out of here, I need to leave." Liam swallowed, lifting his head to gaze around the room for Maya. "I get that you didn't fucking believe me but maybe this will." He snapped, Liam's eyes narrowing to Louis' phone, mouth agape reading the snapshot. 

"What the fuck? Okay, let's get you out then— shit, Lou." Louis shook his head, close to breaking, Louis wasn't sure if his final straw was the messages or looking over at Harry who had his hand on the small of Evan's back snorting a laugh. His eyes looked happy, maybe they just didn't fit anymore.

Chapter Text

Louis quit smoking several years ago, absolutely killed him but he did it for the twins, sitting on Liam's backyard patio, he'd went through half a packet already feeling a bit dizzy. Louis heard the porch door slide open, and the soft clearing of Liam's throat, he just couldn't actually turn around. 

"Haz called," he announced, Louis had turned his phone off after he left the party, dinner or whatever the fuck that really was. "I was vague." Louis snorted. 

"Didn't say I left because I actually found out about his side bitch," louis huffed, sighing. He needed to go get the twins, even if he wanted to avoid living at the moment. "I should call Lottie." Liam took a seat on the patio chair across from Louis, brown eyes dripping with concern. 

"Lou, I'm sorry, I— I didn't not believe you, I just..." he struggled for a minute, Louis' eyes locked on him. "I thought it was dramatic, y'know like, it doesn't make sense to me. I could never— me and Maya's had some rough patches but like I couldn't ever cheat, so I just didn't see that anyone could especially a mate of mine." Louis was biting his tongue so hard he could almost taste blood, he didn't get it, really he didn't. Liam sighed as his phone went off again, Louis gazed over to see Harry's name pop up. 

"Give me that, I'll— I need to say something right?" 

"Suppose so, here." Liam tossed his phone over Louis, slid the call to answer. 

"What exactly is going on," Harry snapped, once the call connected, Louis eyebrow raised. Biting back a sharp response. 

"Morning then." He mumbled, mouth around the cigarette, Harry's voice pausing. 

"What the fuck Louis? I have rang you all bleeding night, why did you leave?" Louis laughed, like genuinely laughed, he figured he was going crazy because this wasn't actual life. Harry wasn't the one that was snapping at him for leaving, and turning his phone off. 

"Excuse me?" Louis snapped, Liam swallowed standing up, Louis motioned him to sit back down. Liam did reluctantly. "Not sure I was wanted there like."

"Come off it Louis, for Christ sake."Louis was unsure of what Harry's exact issue was, he wasn't meant to be the one snapping. 

"Me come off it? Are you fucking kidding me, what am I supposed to think when your fucking someone in our bed!" He screeched, Liam's eyes were wide and Louis heard Harry's breath hitch, and suddenly the flood gates had been opened.

"You— you don't know what your taking about." Harry stuttered, breathlessly. 

"Do I not? Am I wrong Harry?" Louis lit another cigarette, and Liam followed suit, Louis wasn't sure how much longer he'd hold it together. 

"Come home Louis— I, I can explain." Like hell Louis thought, that house wasn't his home anymore, it'd been tainted. Felt a bit like spoiled milk, sour and off. 

"Like hell I'm stepping foot in that— whore house again, don't fucking call me or Liam again until I sort my own shit out." Louis ended the call, not waiting for a response, slamming the phone on the table. He hadn't a clue what he was to do, everything was a tit end and he wasn't sure how exactly you proceeded from this point on. Harry was having an affair, how could he actually even explain this to anyone. It was embarrassing, Louis was embarrassed that he no longer did it for Harry and he had to go find comfort in someone else, he ran a hand over his face, leaning back in the seat. 

"What are you going to do?" Liam questioned, Louis could hear the hesitance to actually ask in his voice, to be fair he hadn't a clue. What was the rules when your husband was having an affair but you'd been together for eighteen fucking years? 

"Not sure what I'm meant to do from this point like," he sighed taking a puff of the cigarette, blowing smoke out of his lips exasperatedly. "Might go get the girls and go stop in a hotel or sommat, I can't go home— it's.. I don't want to see him, and I don't want to hear the bullshit he's going to spew." Liam was chewing at the skin around his fingers, face dripping with concern. 

"You and the girls can stay here, it's not a bother, my kids would love that. Maybe not Heather," he tried to joke, Louis rolled his eyes. The twins and Heather loved to hate each other, it really reminded Liam and Louis of them when they'd started One Direction. "Not right for them to be stopping in a hotel, you've got options Louis." Did he though? He hadn't a mother he could turn to, and the embarrassment of telling Lottie or the rest of his siblings was swelling in his stomach. Liam knowing was painful enough. 

"I can't— I don't want to put you and Maya out, so close to Christmas too." Louis cursed mentally, remembering Christmas was only two weeks away, they hadn't even put the tree up yet and the girls had been begging Louis, he just hadn't had the mind to do it. 

"Lou it's not— your not putting anyone out, don't think that. Everyone's here for you, why don't you go get the girls and bring 'em over."

"There going to be fuckin' shattered," Louis interjected, Liam giving a sympathetic gaze, Louis shook his head biting his lip. "Right then, I need to, I need to sort my self out. You don't mind if I drop them off and just go sit in peace for a minute do you?" Liam stood up, hand on Louis' shoulder, comfortingly. 

"Course not Lou, we'll chat after." Louis took a deep breath nodding, yeah after. After he mentally sorted his options out, because right now his mind was swimming. 

***

"Papa!" Lola squealed, jumping on him as he opened the door to Lottie's house, Lottie peered around the wall Vivienne in hand. 

"Missed you lots, my darling, you to Viv." He said sweetly, as the two girls were now in his arms, Lottie looked him over with an eyebrow raise. "Go get your bag, and we'll head out." He said, the girls bouncing down the hallway to get their stuff. 

"Rough hangover?" She questioned, skepticism dripping in her voice. Louis rolled his eyes a bit, wishing it was just a hangover, huffing a breath before nodding. "Seems like that's a lie." She pressed, Louis ran his tongue over his teeth, Lottie's eyes not leaving him. 

"Would it be selfish to the girls to get a divorce?" Lottie's eyebrows furrowed before raising one, pursed lips, looking behind her to see if the girls were coming back down yet. 

"A divorce? What Louis— I didn't know you two hadn't been getting along?" She questioned, Louis stuffed his hand in his tracksuit bottoms he'd taken off Liam, with a shrug. 

"Just been thinking—" Louis started, Lottie cutting him off sharply. 

"After seven years married and what like twelve years dating,"

"Eleven." He cut in, Lottie's face still dripping with confusion.

"Right, eleven." She mocked almost. "Why now? Like is there something going on or did you just like decide, like it's not for you anymore?" Louis wasn't sure how long he could talk before the girls came down, and they were like fucking parrots, Louis didn't want them to hear. 

"Bit more involved, like." She held her hands out, as to say 'what the fuck' "Look, I had to leave last night, I stopped with Liam. I'm going to be staying there for a bit. Just need to sort me head out." Lottie still wasn't getting the point, she let a breath out, eyes begging Louis to tell her what was going on but his little brats saved him by bouncing down the hallway with their bag. "We'll talk later." He said promising. 

"Yeah I think we should." She mumbled, hugging the giggling girls, kissing them. "Going to miss you little brats," she mused, both girls beaming. "Ring me alright. Reckon we need to talk about, this." She gestured around Louis, his lips tight nodding. 

"Yeah. Will do. Thanks for watching 'em, ready now you two?" He questioned at the two girls, each holding one of his hands, Louis avoided any more eye contact with Lottie leaving putting the girls into the car and buckling them in. 

Louis let a few tears slide as the girls chatted and giggled to each other, whatever Louis did from this point on wasn't going to be easy, and how could he make that decision? 

Louis dropped the girls, off he slipped away quickly, the girls easily playing with Heather, it would end badly Louis knew as much. The girls were kind and loving, they just loved to bully Heather a bit, just childish banter really if he'd thought honestly about it. 

Louis didn't want to think though, because when he started to think, he started to think of his husband, his husband who hadn't give enough mind to think about the damage he was causing— and for what? 

This Evan person, from what Louis seen was younger, early twenties and working for their label. Was it a thrill he was searching for? Some last piece of spontaneous adolescent, he'd past that long ago, well into his thirties now and he had kids. They had a family for Christ sake, it wasn't just his emotions he had to think of — the girls, bouncing little demons at the best of times but sweet dainty little flowers. His children, his family, who he chose to screw over and Louis hadn't the slightest clue. 

Driving around london he watched the snow fall slowly on the M4, god he'd wished it wasn't so close to Christmas. His chest tightened thinking about how odd Christmas would be, with a deep sigh he turned off into a car park, parking the car leaving the engine run it was bloody freezing.

Louis weighed options for the better half of forty minutes, nether made him happy, for the girls though— always for the girls, maybe he could be civil until after the hols. He couldn't imagine keeping the girls away from Harry, they'd be devastated and he had to put them first, not him. Louis was close enough to their house, that he could drive and try and have a conversation with Harry because really time wasn't on his side at the moment, but he wasn't sure his mental state would allow him to do that. So he sat idly watching the snow fly, wishing he could turn back to last year.

Chapter Text

Louis was fiddling with the hem of his jacket in the car, sitting in the driveway of his and Harry's house, he stared at the door this is a bad idea he thought mentally. Despite what he thought, he got out of the car finding the house key and unlocking it. Louis glanced around the foyer, almost calling out for Harry until he heard his voice coming from the hallway. 

"I don't exactly sodding care about that," he hissed, Louis was frozen in his spot. "No— don't play a victim here darling. Oh really? Funny that innit? Right. I'm done, okay? It was a fucking stupid mistake— no I'm the one that has to pay for it. Well it's my goddamn family—" Louis cleared his throat as he heard Harry's voice getting closer, kicking his shoes off Harry's body coming into view jaw clenched. "Yeah, well — I got to go." He snapped, Louis wasn't sure what he was meant to think, did it matter that he was breaking his affair off at this point? Harry ended the call to Louis' knowledge, stuffing his hands in his pockets leaning against the wall of the foyer eyes locked on Louis. "Think we should have a chat?" Louis wanted to laugh, that was an understatement, Louis walked past him through to the living room throwing himself onto the couch. Harry sat on the wooden coffee table in front of the couch, shoulders slouched elbows on his thighs holding his head up. 

"Talk then," Louis said, pinching the bridge of his nose, not looking back at Harry. 

"Right— uhm," he stammered, licking his lips, jagged breath. "I'm not going to say— I'm not going to lie about it, I uh, well I was seeing someone." He admitted, bottom lip between his teeth, Louis wasn't sure why he came because hearing it made him feel worst. "It's done, I—"

"Would you like a fucking award? Congrats, hun. Proud you decided, after being fuckin' caught to end your affair. Cheers mate." Louis snapped, sitting up, blood boiling. 

"It got out of hand—"

"Out of hand?" Louis cut him off, Harry's face dripping with sorrow, Louis didn't exactly care. "What was the part that got out of hand? Doing it once or continuing for six fucking months?" Louis watched as Harry's face didn't change, he swallowed fiddling with his ring. 

"I didn't mean to hurt you." He breathed, Louis laughed this time, because that was fucking pathetic on its own. 

"What exactly was the thought process then? 'Oh I cheated on my fucking husband, so I'll continue? But oh, I didn't mean to hurt him'— what about the fucking girls Harry?" Louis voice was cracking, his high pitched scream echoed though the empty house. Harry bit his tongue, there was a pregnant pause, Louis went to open his mouth before Harry spoke. 

"It wasn't planned— I didn't, Louis I'm sorry. I— I don't know what to say," he paused trying to find words, Louis eyes dark and full of anger. "Nothing I say is going to help I know— I, fuck, Lou." He said going to grab Louis knee, Louis swatted his hand away. 

"Don't fucking touch me," he exasperated, standing up, pacing the living room, thumb and forefinger pressed against his chin. "I don't care wether it was premeditated or an accident you were having— or still are fucking having an affair! How the fuck am I supposed to feel? You slept with someone else for months," he cried, he tried to keep himself as level as he could until he broke. "I'm disgusted, he was in our home, in our bed— you've got to be fucking touched. Or maybe I'm simple and stupid, like is this even the first time?" Harry's eyes were glued to him as he paced, angrily, end defeatedly. Louis wasn't sure what he'd imagined their marriage would be seven years in, but it wasn't sitting two weeks before Christmas discussing the fact Harry was having an affair. 

"I've never— this was the first time I've," he paused breathlessly and really Louis thought that was fucking stupid because he wasn't the one slapped in the face, Louis was. "Only this once, it was stupid me asking him 'round here, it was stupid me even doing it— Louis!"  Louis was done, he walked toward the foyer Harry quickly behind him. "We can work this out—"

"Work what exactly out Harry? Work the fact that I no longer did it for you and you had to fuck around, I'm livid. I've never felt more betrayed, you've completely broke any sense of trust I had in you. I don't have any confidence that you wouldn't continue if I hadn't actually had proof, I asked you a couple weeks back what the fuck was going on and you lied to me and made it seem like I was being irrational when you were doing the very thing you'd told me you weren't doing. Your fucking pathetic, Harry." He snapped, Harry's jaw set hard, eyes glazed. Louis didn't feel bad, not in the slightest. 

"Lou," he moaned, as Louis kicked his shoes on. "Don't— just leave the girls with Lottie and we can, let's just talk okay? Louis— I'm sorry, darling I—" 

"Fuck you," he replied shortly cutting him off, Harry's tongue between his teeth. "You can get the fuck out of here and crawl into Evan's bed for all I care, I'm getting the twins and bringing them home. Not fair to disrupt their lives, despite the fact their father already has." Louis wasn't sure why now he was begging Louis to stay, did he think it wasn't going to turn out this way? 

"Im done with that Louis— it shouldn't have happened, just don't— we can work this out." 

"How!" He yelled, frustrated and on the brink of breaking down. "How the fuck would you feel Harry? I would never, never do this to you. If there was something I felt was off in our relationship, I would have brung it to you instead of fucking someone else."  He exasperated loudly, Harry flinching at bit, Louis eyes blazing through him. "I want you fuckin' gone do you understand?" He followed up steadily, eyes angry and serious. 

"Louis—"

"If you have any respect left for your family, you'll give us space." He cut Harry off, abruptly. Louis was highly aware of Harry's need to not cave in, and he seen the struggle on his face of waiting to continue. His lips twisted, looking at the ground, before nodding backing up with a cocked eyebrow. 

"Okay," he breathed, Louis' heart hammering in his chest, he couldn't believe the man he'd placed his heart  to would crumple and destroy it so carelessly. 

***

The best thing Louis could think about six year olds were how easily you could gear them off a subject, it was bedtime and Louis hadn't a moment to actually even think about what he was doing too busy with the twins. It was three days since he'd told Harry to leave, and in the three days Harry had called and text over a hundred times, Louis hadn't even read the messages. 

"Papa," a sleep voice came, Louis turned to Lola who had tired eyes, wrapped up into bed. "When's daddy going to be home?" The question Louis was dreading, it had been easy it was only three days and really Harry hadn't been around a lot in the last six months so it wasn't unfathomable to the twins that he hadn't been home. 

"Soon darling, we're putting up the tree tomorrow, won't that be nice?" He said petting her hair, she shrugged. 

"Is daddy going to be home, he always helps." Louis sighed, swallowing her eyes heavy. 

"Daddy's— he's got loads to do right now, he's busy getting things ready for Father Christmas, baby. How about we make some sprinkle-ly cookies, hm?" Her little eyes lit up a bit and Louis hated that, he hated having to lie to his children about their father and he hated he had to deal with this all— alone. Lola pulled on his neck, he leaned into her wrapping his arms around his tiny girl kissing her cheek. "Lights out alright, Viv's already out. Night my lovely." She smiled yawing, Louis kissed her forehead before standing back up. 

"Night-nighty, love you!" She squealed, quietly, Louis smiled back at her flipping the light switch out. 

"Love you most, my darling." He watched her roll over and he knew his girls well enough to know she'd be out in less then five, he sighed walking out of the room, shutting the door leaving it open just a crack. Twisting his lips, he walked down the stairs running a hand over his face, he wasn't sure he could do this alone. Walking into the kitchen he pulled out a bottle of wine from the wine cooler besides the dish washer, popping the tab off and pouring a glass, he felt ridiculous he felt like a middle aged woman if he'd been honest. 

His phone buzzed, to no shock it was Harry— again. Licking his lips he picked up, he wasn't sure why because he had nothing he wanted to say but it was getting on his last nervous cell the amount of times he'd rang today alone. 

"Hello," he answered, in a bored tone. It was against his better judgment to pick up if he was honest, only reason he could makeup was for his girls— if that.

"Louis, hi— can you put the girls on?" Louis rolled his eyes tipping the glass back swallowing down the rest of the glass too quickly. 

"Their asleep." He heard Harry sigh on the other end, he wasn't sure how long term if he chose to divorce he could actually coparent. He felt a hold over the girls, they were as much Harry's as his but they were his and he didn't feel Harry was fit to keep them for weeks. 

"I've tried to ring for them all bleeding day—"

"I don't understand why you feel like your allowed to speak to me in that tone," Louis cut him off, Harry voice sharpe on the other end. "Their fine, don't worry. Just like they have been for the last six months." He was still angry the anger hadn't wore off, he hadn't even been able to talk to anyone about it even though Lottie had a million questions, he just couldn't respond. 

"You make it sound like I've been off for months without speaking to them." Louis snorted, figures he thought. Crossing his arms across his chest, phone between his shoulder and ear. 

"Haven't you? I get you think your like father of the year or sommat, but I'm not sure you meet the criteria. Reckon you have to actually be around and not fucking other blokes." He shot back, their was a pregnant pause, he could taste the tension though the phone. 

"Tell me what I have to do Lou, I can't— I can't live like this, I want to come home." Thing was Louis didn't know, Louis wasn't sure what the protocol was when your husband had been off for months having an affair. He assumed normal people sent them off, told the kids their fathers a spineless bastard and got a divorce. He just didn't have the heart to do that, even if it's what Harry deserved. 

"You can stop over Christmas Eve," he'd thought that part though, try and at least make this Christmas normal for the twins. "I can't make anymore excuses to the girls on your behalf, s'only fair. Reckon your mam and Gem are still coming 'round be a bit awkward if you weren't here I guess." Christmas was a big thing in their house, always had been, both their families always came over and he wasn't aware that anyone knew what was going on. Lottie wasn't even clued in on specifics, on that they'd been going through something enough to make Louis ask her what would happen if they'd divorced. 

"I haven't mentioned anything to them, no. I think we need to sort this out Louis, I know it's my fault I'm not— I'm not discounting that. I just," he paused finding words he wasn't sure he had. "I don't want to lose you three." He mumbled out, Louis would find it admirable if different circumstances, he just found it a bit annoying because he hadn't cared enough for the last six months. 

"Yeah well, price you have to pay innit?" Louis snapped back, annoyed. He heard Harry take a deep breath, Louis didn't feel guilty for making him feel bad. 

"Can I come 'round tomorrow?" Louis hadn't bothered to ask where he'd went because he didn't want to know the response, he figured if it was out of sight and mind it wouldn't naw at him anymore. 

"No, told Lo you were off helping Father Christmas, you can come back Christmas Eve like I said." It would give him time he thought, time to actually think on where to go from this point on. Even if it was exhausting dealing with it on his own, he needed to, he couldn't have Harry popping in and out, he needed to just think on his own and clearly. It didn't just effect them at this point, they had two little brats he had to take into consideration. 

"Right well, that's sorted then. I guess." The insincerity was dripping thick through Harry's voice, he was meant to be more sarcastic then it came out, it just furthered Louis' anger he couldn't even touch that because he didn't even have the energy or want to argue with him at this point. What use was there in arguing, he was dealing with enough knowing what his husband had been doing. 

"Suppose so, please stop calling all day. That's all I fucking ask, having a hard time wrapping me head around it all, I don't need to see your bleeding name pop up forty-seven times a day." He pleaded, he wasn't sure what use it was to suffocate him now, the damage was done, Harry owed Louis enough to just let him be— let him think. 

"Alight," he sighed, Louis knew that was hard for him. Harry didn't admit defeat, ever. "Night then." Louis rolled his eyes, shaking his head, this was so pathetic, small talk— with his husband for fuck sakes. 

"Yeah, night." He breathed, baited breath he hung up not wanting to continue any conversation and not waiting to hear anything else out of the younger boys lips. He placed the phone on the marble counter top, tongue between his teeth. 

"Fuck," he breathed, he screwed the bottle cap back on to the bottle of wine, his head was pulsating and he had to deal with the twins in the morning, alone as perusal he didn't fancy a hangover in the slightest. 

Morning came too quickly, Louis hadn't slept and by the time his eyes did close it felt like the girls just woke up. 

"Waaaafffllleesss pleeeaaasssseee," he heard being sung from the hallway, letting out an exasperated breath he watched the two bounce into his room jumping onto the bed. "Can we have waffles, please!" Vivienne squeaked, crawling onto his chest, she looked around the room narrowing her eyes. "Where's daddy?" Louis opened his mouth, Lola stepped in thankfully. She pushed Vivienne over, curling into Louis Vivienne pouting her lip. 

"Daddy's helping Father Christmas, papa told me last night." She mused, happily at least Harry made someone happy Louis thought, Vivienne's eyes lit up, smile wide on her face. 

"No way, really papa! But— we don't even have a Christmas tree up, papa!" She whined, Louis kissed the two girls top of their head sitting up as the slid off him. 

"Going to sort that all out now, we'll have to have a quick brekkie, we can pickup some dinner while we're out, sound good?" The two girls squeaked, smiling. Louis loved this, moments like this made everything worth it, his two bouncing brats happily smiling over the most idol things. "Go on and get washed I'll fix up something and we'll head out, alright?" The nodded, chatting to themselves as they bounced out the room, Louis sighed leaning back rubbing a hand over his face, he needed coffee.

After fighting the two girls to keep their gloves on, they all got out of the car walking into the tree farm, Louis wasn't a hot topic for paps and really he looked like any other dad with kids trying to get a tree less then two weeks before Christmas. 

"For Christ sake, Lola-bug," he cried as the six year old wondered away eyes glued to a huge tree, Vivienne holding tight onto Louis' hand. They usually did tree picking end of November and as a family, they always made it this big thing to go pick a tree out and decorate after, it was so weird Louis was by himself and he couldn't fathom he was actually doing it. 

"This one papa, look! Oh gosh daddy would love this one!" She mused, excitedly. Louis looked up at the tree, that was very much not a Christmas tree but alas a normal regular tree, he bit his bottom lip crouching down. 

"Honey that's— why don't we go look over here, I don't know how we'll fit that in the house." She pouted rolling her eyes as Louis shook his head standing back up, and grabbing her hand. 

"We've got a big house, 'course it'll fit." They did have a big house, ridiculously big for just the four of them if you'd asked Louis, the house Louis grew up in was the size of their bedroom and bathroom and he had a million siblings. 

"Not a crimbo tree Lola," Vivienne commented back, Lola opened her mouth looking up at Louis to defend her. 

"Technically it wasn't, here's some nice trees though." This was a disaster Louis thought, even six year olds were giving the trees a side eye. They were actually going to have Charlie Brown Christmas at this point, and he didn't fancy fighting the shops today. 

"Uhm, is it a bush?" Vivienne questioned, gazing up at Louis, Louis sighed. 

"Now the other tree looks better, oh papa let's get the big one that had a little squirrel in it!" Louis ran a hand over his face, as the girls let go of his hand to try and look through the trees, Louis almost went pale went he spotted Gemma and her fiancé Micheal. He caught her gaze and held back a sigh, as she smiled walking over he kept his eye on the girls who were bickering over a slightly not plucked tree. 

"Hey Lou," she said sweetly, hugging him, the girls looked back over squeaking. 

"Auntie Gem!" She smiled laughing, bending over as the two of them almost knocked her over as they went into her arms. 

"Hello lovelies, having a look about, are we?" She asked, fixing Lola's hat that was almost falling off her head. 

"Papa forgot to get a tree and he won't get the cute big one with the tiny squirrel in it, Vivienne said it wasn't a Christmas tree." She pouted, Louis shook his head as Vivienne give her dad a look, you could tell what the child thought through her eyes she wore her emotions on her face. 

"I'm sure you aren't just getting a tree now," she stated, shocked looking around. "Where's H?" She questioned, Vivienne spoke up thankfully Louis wasn't sure the response he'd have given. 

"Daddy's helping Father Christmas!" She smiled laughing, giving Louis a look of amusement. 

"Why don't we go get some sweeties, I seen some candy canes and hot chocolate back there?" She asked the two girls, who nodded delightfully, it was obvious Gemma didn't have kids Louis thought, any mother or father wouldn't want to be pumping their kids full of sugar at half three. The girls grabbed onto Micheal blabbing about their Christmas list and how excited they were as Gemma trailed behind with Louis. "I'm sure you aren't actually doing Christmas this late?" Louis sighed, shrugging keeping his eyes on the two girls in front of him, they loved to wonder. 

"Not that I forgot, we've just been like crazy busy." She gave a skeptic look, pursed lips. 

"Why isn't Harry here?" The million dollar question Louis thought, he knew why but it was apparent he Harry hadn't mentioned anything to his family. 

"He's sorting out last minute things, I took the girls to get a tree, feel like a twat not having everything organized this year." He admitted, he could tell Gemma didn't buy that but just ignored it. 

"Their only six Lou, there not expecting the world." She joked, she didn't know they actually did the spoiled brats they were, he was glad they always did Christmas shopping in the summer at least he had gifts sorted. 

"They get so excited at this age, just like to make it special."

"S'only one year," she said back, honestly, and it was chances are they wouldn't even remember this Christmas Louis didn't remember a Christmas from when he was six. "You do look like you need a drink, like." She joked, elbowing his side, he rolled his eyes snorting. 

"Isn't that what Christmas is? Always a relief when it's over." He joked back, he knew Gemma was skeptic over the way he was talking because in their house Christmas was a big deal, and they never stressed out about it. 

"You sure your good?" She questioned, he sighed looking at the girls who were picking out candy canes as big as them. 

"Yeah," he breathed, was he that obvious? "Everything's just been cocked up, glad that Harry's finally done with the blimming album like." She nodded, wanting to press into it but being cut off by two girls showing off their sweets. 

"Have fun with them tonight," Micheal joked, Louis laughed rolling his eyes looking at the girls who had sticky mouths already.

"Thanks mate." He joked back, Gemma still giving him a look trying to figure something out, not like she'd ever guess on her own terms it wasn't something he could have ever guessed. He figured it was written all over his face that something was going on, and really he'd briefly mentioned something of the sort to Lottie so maybe it'd gotten out to some degree, their families were so close it wouldn't be a wonder if they had known something was up. 

Louis just needed time, time he didn't have and it was beyond frustrating, doing things as idol as Christmas tree shopping alone made his skin crawl, they were a team— a forever thing, and now? Now Louis wasn't even sure he knew Harry anymore, he didn't trust him, and he had so much resentment and anger that it was blinding. He wanted to crawl into bed and just ignore the world, but alas he was an adult, and father he wasn't lucky enough he could just run away from the issue at hand and deal with it later. Had he not had the kids he thinks he would have already made a decision, but looking at the twins he couldn't, he knew his own childhood how a divorce effected him and he couldn't do that to his kids. He figured maybe he should take his own sanity into consideration, but he couldn't when two little bouncing brilliant girls were thrown into the mix and really that just made Louis hate Harry all the more. Fair enough to think so lowly of him, but to think so lowly of Lola and Vivienne? He couldn't wrap his head around it, and he wasn't sure he even wanted the explanation that was weighing heavy on his mind to get off of Harry.

Chapter Text

After the tree tragedy, Louis ended up getting one of his assistants to run to primark to pick up a fake tree, the girls were a bit boiling over it. Louis hadn't a clue why it was only a sodding tree, he thought. It was finally Christmas Eve, and Louis waited on baited breath while the girls were still sleeping in the kitchen on Harry to come back. Could they even function with the tension? 

Louis would try because the girls were his life and he'd be damned if he'd ruined Christmas for them, he could give them a nice Christmas at least. Louis was sitting on the couch, coffee stone cold on the side table, staring into to space. His head snapped up when he heard the click of the lock, and the alarm buttons being pressed. Great, he wanted to say, my lovely, darling, devoted husbands home. He didn't move, just curled himself further into the couch, trying to be as nonexistent as possible, great thirty-seventh birthday if you asked him, one for the records. He watched the silhouette of Harry's shadow walk from the foyer to the living room, he looked like shit if Louis was being honest and really it kind of made him glad in some fucked up reality. 

Harry's eyes casted onto his, biting his lip, Harry was trudging several big boxes and bags with him. 

"Hi," Harry squeaked, fixing the gifts under the most ugly tree Louis thought they'd ever had (Lola called it unique and Vivienne said it was a sad cute tree whatever that meant.)  Louis just pursed his lips and raised an eyebrow as Harry walked over taking seat at the opposite end of the couch with a box in his hand. He'd be damned if Harry genuinely thought he could buy him a birthday gift, and call it even. "Suppose it's a bit— unwanted, but I had gotten this months ago." He said, placing the gift in between them, Louis looked at the box (if he was honest he was curious, but he wouldn't dare say or admit it.) he rolled his eyes, getting up from where he was sat and really watching Harry's face fall more was the better gift he could get. 

"The best gift you could give me is fucking space, I'm not interested in idol talk if I'm honest." He threw over his shoulder as he grabbed his coffee mug walking to the kitchen, Harry hot on his heels behind. 

"Lou," Louis' eyes snapped up to his, he looked unhappy and Louis wished that didn't make him feel better but at least he was maybe as miserable as he felt and that was satisfaction on its own. "I know it's not normal—"

"Nope. No talking, please God— I don't want to hear it, honestly. I do not care." Harry's were wet, Louis shook his head turning to the stair case as he heard sleepy feet trail down the stair case. Harry sniffled, wiping his eyes and Louis wanted to scream, was he actually crying over his own fucking actions?

"Papa's birthday!" Lola said excitedly, Louis smiled small, biting his lip as the two girls trailed down the stair case eyes lighting up as they seen both their dads. 

"Daddy your back! Did Father Christmas say he was going to get me the dolly house!" Vivienne shouted with excitement, Harry stiffened a bit, Louis guessed maybe he should have filled him in a bit more, but he was good at lying on the spot, this should be easy. 

"Can't say, he did say if you two had been good you might be getting everything on the list. That means listening to your papa and I, doesn't it?" The two girls exchanged a look, giggling, Louis loved them this was why he was having a hard time making a decision he hated to see them upset. 

Louis had two girls on ether side of his leg hugging him, bending down he pulled them into his arms. 

"Happy, happy birthday!" The squeaked, he kissed them, and they cuddled further into him. 

"Thank you my darlings, oh I love you both." They giggled as Louis rubbed his stubble across their rosy cheeks. 

"Is daddy going to make birthday pancakes!" Lola questioned as Louis stood up, letting the two girls free both had their eyes on Harry.

" 'Course darlings," he smiled, it was bizarre Louis thought, how capable they were to make it seem like nothing was going on, Louis deserved an award if he thought about it. "Why don't you two go get papa's gifts from the foyer." They both raised their eyebrows, wide smiles pinging at Louis heart string further he wasn't sure how he could make it through today without a breakdown. It didn't even feel like the holidays to Louis, but the sound of giggling little girls running to get presents, Harry making a fry up, and the gentle snow falling made it look like a normal Christmas Eve. Louis watched the girls out of the corner of his eye, avoiding any further conversation with Harry, Vivienne was peaking through the gift bag as Lola swatted her hand away, Louis smiled almost snorting. They came running up, because they never walked, Louis hadn't a worry about their health ever they always were running about. 

"Here ya' go papa," they announced smiling standing on their tiptoes to lift the gifts to the table where Louis was sat at, he smiled at them pulling them onto his lap. 

"Shall we open together then?" The nodded, excitedly, tearing into one wrapped to perfection. 

"This one was because Lola, spilled milk on your old laptop." Lola gave her sister a look, Louis bit his lip hiding a smile. 

"S'all well, now, thank you darlings." Lola stuck her tongue out at Vivienne. "Hey now, Father Christmas won't come, Lola-bug." Lola's eyes widened closing her mouth, only time of the year to get them to listen, Louis thought. The two girls opened the rest, so excited with everything they'd gotten their dad, Harry had taken them a few weeks back shopping Louis figured that's where it'd all came from. Vivienne pouted, as Louis took out the dressing gown, he had been waiting a new one for ages. 

"Daddy, I wanted a dressing gown too!" She whined, Harry peaked over, at Vivienne's pouted lip stroking the flush fabric of the gown. 

"Don't be spiteful, you've got a dressing gown." Louis could see Lola leaning over to Vivienne whispering loudly, 'don't be daft or we won't get presents, git.' Louis opened his mouth, amused trying not to laugh. 

"Lola baby, we don't call your sister that, or you won't be getting presents." Vivienne gave a smug look back at her, Lola pursing her lips. 

"Did you like your presents papa?" Lola asked changing the subject, Louis smiled nodding kissing the top of their heads. 

"Loved them all, every bit, mostly this beautiful card you two made." The giggled hugging him from both sides, leaning their heads up to kiss his cheeks. 

"Is brekkie done, daddy please, I'm not going to live if I don't have birthday pancakes." Vivienne whined, dramatically, Louis snorted, as they both hopped off him and he started clearing the wrapping paper. 

"Just plating, honey." Louis slid his new dressing gown on and slippers, as the girls grabbed juice out of the fridge taking their seats at the table. "Do you like it?" Harry questioned, as Louis grabbed the creamer out of the fridge, Louis swallowed, nodding. 

"Yeah," he breathed, pouring more coffee into the mug Harry nodding slowly putting everyone's breakfast on to plates. "I'll grab this." He said back, grabbing the girls plates and the whipped cream off the counter. They didn't spoil the girls with junk food, so they looked forward to days when they had copious amounts of junk and sugar. 

Breakfast was painfully slow, Louis hadn't even paid attention to half of the rambling between the girls, Harry helped he guessed by adding in when Louis was dazed off. By the time he'd realized everyone was done he was still picking at the plate he had, Harry took the girls upstairs and Louis was thankful, he cleared off the table while Harry got them washed and dressed for the day. 

Louis stood feeling extremely his age at the window drinking the last bit of his coffee, watching the snow fall, was this what middle aged was? It was chilling really, he felt like he was living someone else's life, this wasn't really his home his husband and kids— it couldn't be because if it was he was a fucking fool for standing here pretending. 

He wondered if the girls were older and knew more if they'd call him a useless twat for not having the strength to walk away, or if they would admire him for sticking throughout thick and thin like he'd promised seven years ago. He couldn't think on that now, he was a dad and he had to be there for them now regardless of what he decided in the months to come. Looking away from the window, ignoring the chaos of screaming six year olds up stairs he dumped the rest of his coffee down the sink, putting the mug in the dish washer. All he wanted was for Harry to take the girls out for the day and for him to get blinding drunk in a bath and not think, that was what his idea of a perfect thirty-seventh birthday was, and it felt as pathetic thinking it as he knew it probably sounded. 

Breaking his thoughts Harry trotted down the stairs, heavy footed almost to let Louis know he was coming back down, silence became their way of dealing with things apparently. 

"Vivienne asked, if we could go to that 'nice place sketch' however a six year old is well versed in dining experiences is beyond me." Louis almost snorted if he as pissed by the sound of his husbands raspy voice he would have, Vivienne was a self proclaimed foodie and did enjoy the finer things in life, she lived for a nice place to have tea at. 

"She's as spoiled at they come, treat for me at six would have been a bit of McDonald's for tea." He chastised, it was true, Louis was piss broke as a child and as much as he loved he was able to give his kids a life he hadn't, he wished they weren't as apt to expect nicer clothes and fancy restaurants. Only last year Vivienne wouldn't wear anything if it wasn't with a designer tag on it, Harry was having her uniforms for school tagged from Gucci just to keep her sweet. Thankfully they explained to her she's lucky, she comes from a wealthy home and not to flaunt it ridiculously, he wasn't sure he or Harry even known what Gucci was at five. 

"We don't have to go," he trailed off, Louis shook his head, he did fancy Sketch if he was honest, been ages since they'd been. 

"No— it's fine, the girls will love it." Louis stated flatly, meaning he didn't want to have a family outing given the circumstances but for the love of God it was the holiday's and he couldn't cock it all up over his emotions and Harry's recklessness. 

"There all sorted then, I'll call get us a table." Louis nodded, throat dry, God this was horrifically awkward. Louis motioned his head towards the stairs. 

"I'll go get sorted then." He didn't wait to see what Harry's face looked like, or what he would respond he just headed up stairs biting his lip so he wouldn't cry. 

***

Sketch was busy at the best of times, tonight was nothing exceptional, London— always full of tourists around the hols, Louis thought as they pulled up. Louis grabbed out Lola as Harry got Vivienne, fixing her dress as she complained about her stocking. 

"But they itch so bad," she whined, Lola ignoring her sister twirling in the parking lot as Vivienne kept pulling at the tights. 

"If you doing think about it, they won't bother you." Harry said sternly, trying to get her to stay properly dressed, she pursed her lips letting a huff out. 

"Just know I don't like it." She said back cheekily, Louis bit back a laugh, they were trying to teach them to not give them cheek. 

"Oh darling I'm well aware," he retorted, Vivienne rolling her eyes but grabbing his hand as they started to walk into the restaurant, Louis spotted Liam Heather hanging off his neck, while Maya was bouncing George bottle in his lips. Liam give a wave, looking bored of Heather chatting rapidly as she was on his back arms around his neck. 

"Fancy seeing you lot here?" Louis questioned walking up, Lola pulling at Heather's foot. "Hey Lola don't. He scolded, as Liam swung Heather down placing he'd on the ground. 

"Funny that, rang here today because bleeding C London decided to cancel my ressy and they said Harry'd booked so I said we were together, managed to get in." Louis kept his eye on the three girls twirling in the middle of the entrance, shaking his head, at least he would have Liam and Maya to make it less awkward he assumed. "Oh shit— happy birthday mate, George hasn't stopped fussing all day he's teething." Maya gave a bored look towards Liam. 

"Liam's hungover is what he's meaning to say," she said eyes rolling as she bounced George in her arms, Liam shrugged a bit patting Louis' back. "Happy birthday Lou." She smiled taking the now empty bottle out of the baby's lip, Louis looked up as a waiter walked over telling them there table was ready Louis grabbed ahold of the two girls Liam taking Heather's hand as they walked to the back of the restaurant. 

Harry's hand found his way to the small of Louis' back and it took all the strength he had to not shrug him off, if he hadn't noticed there was people looking he would have. Sitting down the helped the twins getting their coats off, Harry's arm slung over the back of Louis seat and the setting felt normal but his body crawled with how wrong it all felt. 

They ordered, Vivienne and Heather making a fuss over not getting a can of coke with their tea, that was the last thing Louis wanted tonight one of them skitzed out on sugar. Liam's eyes kept giving Louis a glance that was asking what the hell was going on, Louis felt like an idiot, Liam who was the most septic at first was wondering why the hell they were all having Christmas Eve tea together.  

Louis tried to add in to most of the conversation, he wasn't sure what Maya knew or didn't know and he didn't want her to pity him too. Liam's pity from across the table as Harry held George fussing over him as their food came, that was pity enough. 

The thing was they were so used to being embarrassingly hands-y, even if it wasn't sexual and Louis' lack of touch maybe raised an eyebrow for Maya. Harry made up for it he assumed, the younger boys hand rubbing circles that burned into his back as they finished their food. Louis was never more thankful for when they'd gotten the bill and started to pack up to leave. 

"Fetch George for a minute while I help Maya with the pram," Harry whispered to Louis, Louis give Harry a look of annoyance as he passed the baby over, Louis bouncing the youngest boy whist not making anymore contact with Harry. Liam slid into the seat next to Louis that Lola had moved from, he hadn't even cared they were all laying on the floor watching Heather's iPad. Louis' knee bounced, fingers running over his fat cheeks. 

"Are you good?" Liam asked questioningly and low, eyes glancing back to his wife and Harry. 

"No," he admitted, Liam's eyebrow raised. "Until I sort what I'm doing I don't want the girls to question, reckon they'd be in a fit if their father wasn't home on Christmas." He replied, bored and over thinking about it, Liam pulled his son out of Louis' arms, holding him against his chest. 

"You are a good dad Lou, in this fucked up situation your doing the best for the girls— I think." Louis shrugged, was he though? He felt like a proper lunatic if he was honest, he didn't feel like what he was doing was good, he felt if people genuinely knew they would shake their heads and call him a fool. 

"I'm thinking to just separate for a bit, tell the girls Harry's on tour or whatever— easy to keep their mind off it at this age, I can't sort out what I need to and I feel like I need more time then two week to make that decision." He could last until after New Years, possibly, it was already making his skin crawl thinking on it but they had kids and regardless for the next decade plus Harry would be in his life regardless of a divorce. 

"I'm with you, remember that." He mumbled, holding George as Maya rounded the table with the pram. She pushed her hair behind her ear holding her hands out, Liam passing the boy over as she fixed him in the seat. 

"Come on Heather, did you realize our daughter was laying with her ass out on the floor?" She questioned jokingly, Liam looked over as Louis snorted his face red. Really she had tights on, it wasn't a big deal and Maya was joking— slightly. 

"Christ sake, Heather!" Heather's brown eyes looked up, sticking her tongue out. "Up now, laying on the floor, they have no shame do they." He mumbled allowed Louis shaking his head, because no they didn't. Liam stood up, Heather bouncing onto him, Liam picked her up flipping her as she squealed. "Come on now, Father Christmas isn't coming if your laying on a restaurant floor." She giggled as Liam flipped her back, and onto his shoulders. Vivienne and Lola, now bouncing on each other their dads to have them pick them up the same, and they did because how could they say no to their pouting faces. 

"I want Santa to bring me a big horse," Heather said, Heather's accent was interesting they'd spent time back and forth from Texas to London and she was kind of all over the place. 

"Yeah I'm sure your mother would love that, would you Maya." Maya rolled her eyes, Louis snorted, just last year Liam had gotten Heather a Dalmatian (it only lasted a month) Heather was obsessed with 101 Dalmatians but was deadly terrified of the daft dog. 

"Can we get a horse daddy?" Lola asked pulling on Harry's cheeks as they walked out of the restaurant, Harry blinked a couple times shaking his head. 

"Don't think so Lola-bug, uncle Liam's horse will be enough for the three of you." Lola, smiled widely and Louis shook his head, as he watched Vivienne keep try and reach for Lola's hair. 

"Hey you," he said looking up at Vivienne who smirked. "What did I say about Father Christmas coming." She sighed, grabbing Louis jaw with her tiny sharp fingers. 

"Fine," she breathed, Louis watched Maya laugh to Liam about it. Louis grabbed Vivienne by the waist as they were outside in the cool air hoisting her back down to the ground as they walked to the car park. "Papa we never had birthday cake!" She explained, lips pursed index finger on her lips, Louis really didn't care if he was honest not like he ever did for anything past twenty-one really but especially not this year. 

"S'at home love," Harry commented back, Louis let a huffed breath out trying to avoid family time was apparently impossible today. "Up you go." He lifted her up after putting Lola in to the car. 

"Can Heather and Georgie come, oh please!" They said in unison Liam cocked an eyebrow. 

"Are they always so in sync?" He joked, Maya smiling along side him. "We'd love to lovelies but Georgie needs his bed, we'll bring Heather over on Boxing Day how's that?" Heather clapped excitedly, as the two girls smiled wide nodding. "We're going to set off then." Liam said finally, as Maya grabbed Georgie out of his pram and Liam started fiddling to get it put down. 

"Happy Christmas Liam, you too Maya." Harry replied, stupid smile on his face, Louis hated him, he truly hated him. Liam must have judged his face too well because he patted his shoulder, after fixing the pram down. 

"Happy Christmas you too, I'll ring tomorrow." Liam give Louis a hug, and Harry a wave, Louis could tell on Harry's face he was a bit wounded by the cold shoulder. Liam wasn't exactly taking sides, he learned from his mistakes years ago not to be involved because at the end up he was the bad guy, but this wasn't an idol fight they had from breathing each other's air twenty-four-seven on a tour bus. This was real life now, this was Harry going against his family for pursuit of something ridiculous. Liam didn't stand by that, not at all. 

The drive back to their house was quite, the girls muttering off random questions, Louis was always amazed at their need to know everything. They each grabbed a sleepy twin out, it was half eight now and they actually had been getting better at going to bed on time. 

They got the girls sorted for bed, in silence, until Lola reminded them with slight annoyance that they had to sing happy birthday to her papa, Louis swallowed plaiting Lola's hair as Harry did the same to Lola. 

"Come on then you two let's sort it out, while papa gets washed." They smiled grabbing Harry's hand as they left their bedroom, Louis had been sitting on his knees, but he leaned backwards laying flat now hand over his face. Breathing in through his mouth and out through his nose he stood up, he could do this, he had to he's done this well so far today he couldn't cock it up now. Getting out of his clothes he slid on pyjamas bottoms and a t-shirt, trying to ignore the fact he probably needed to cover his greys again wasn't a new thing he'd been touching up his hair since he'd turned thirty. He sighed, rubbing his eyes as he walked down to the kitchen Harry and the girls lighting candles, it was the excited look on their faces that made everything in this shit situation feel warmer. He smiled as the sung with bright smiles around him, he blew the candles out pulling the two girls into his arms.

"Whatcha wish for papa?" The question, their heads on his chest, he hadn't because wishing felt silly to him, nothing he could imagine in his mind would magically change by blowing out a few silly candles. 

"I already got my wish," he said to them eyes wide and little mouths agape. "You two brats." They giggled, as he let them go. "Common now, bed time, too late for cake now have some in the morn hm?" They clapped, even if Louis wasn't allowing them tonight at least they'd still get it and really they got excited over cake way too quickly. Louis bit his lip as the four of them trailed up the stairs, hoping Harry wouldn't push a point and just go to the guest room, or if he would follow Louis into their room. They hugged and kissed the excited girls, turning their lights out, Louis headed down the hallway as Harry stood lingering around the girls door. 

"I'm just going to," he pointed behind him with his thumb to the room opposite the twins room, sheepishly. "Night Lou." Louis shook his head with pursed lips opening their bedroom door and closing it without another word, this was way more painful then he'd wanted it to be.

Chapter Text

Louis managed to sleep, barely, his alarm went off at half five he had too much toys to set up his eyes narrowed as he rounded the corner to the stairs, lights on and the sound of movement. He would die if the girls had already woken up and he hadn't set everything out, like the good Father Christmas that he was. With baited breath, he let a breath of relief out when it was Harry who was down stairs fussing with the larger then life doll house that the girls just had to have. 

"Your up?" He questioned voice rough as Harry turned his neck to Louis, his lip was between his teeth trying to screw a door on. 

"Yeah, coffees on the island. Couldn't sleep." Louis held back the want to roll his eyes as he picked up his still hot (thanks to his new cup warmer he'd gotten yesterday) and ready made coffee, taking a drink of it back. Louis just watched, least Harry could do really was set up a bit of poxy toys for his children. He raised an eyebrow as Harry finished looking proud, standing up the rest of the gifts all set out in front. "Should we leave them until seven?" If they lasted that long Louis thought, only day of the year Louis could get them up excitedly was Christmas, he was shocked he hadn't heard little feet bouncing out of bed yet. 

"If they don't get up by then, yeah. They were up at the crack of dawn last last year." Louis spotted the tray with a carrot and a few cookies and probably rotten milk now from being left out all night, grabbing the milk he went and dumped it down the sink and set the glass back down. "Carrot?" Harry shrugged grabbing it off the try taking a bite and placing it back on the tray, his mouth twisted a bit realizing the carrot was most likely bad Louis felt a bit bad that he was pleased that he'd put carrots that needed the bin out last night. He crumbled a cookie, taking a bite out of another and setting it back down. "Suppose it looks like the big mans been." Harry's face was still reeling from the rotten carrot, nodding. 

"Think this is the best age," he commented, sitting down on the couch, leg crossed taking a drink. "They get so thrilled over everything." It was true they did, Louis was sitting on the arm rest of the couch, drinking his coffee and momentarily it felt normal, as he looked at the ugly little tree and the obscene amount of gifts filling the living room. He swallowed, turning to Harry who had his head leaned back looking at the ceiling. 

"I've thought about it," Louis admitted, and really should he be saying this to ruin his own Christmas? Harry's head turned around to Louis, bottom lip under his front teeth. "After the holidays are over I want to separate, we can— we can work out something with the girls but they'll be going back to school soon so they won't be home all day, I just I have to clear my head because it's really not sinking in." This was way to adult for Louis he thought as he said it, when did they become two dads in their mid thirties with a marriage crisis where they not just mid twenties on tour with the lads? 

"If that's what makes you happy—"

"It's not, nothing makes me happier, but I think it's for the best— for the girls. I can't have you here when I just want to have an argument every time I look at you." He wasn't being dramatic, he'd bitten his tongue more then several times yesterday alone all so they didn't fight, it wasn't fair for the girls to have to see it. "If I'm actually honest, I don't know what I'm to do half of me feels like a blimming twat and the other half feels selfish. I can't make out what to think." Harry lifted his mug to his lip, taking a drink, Louis figured it was to think before he spoke. Usually Louis had been cutting him off and maybe this time he'd rather get a full sentence out. 

"Your not— don't think your a twat in this, today's not the day I get that, but I'd like to at least explain I think I owe you that much. When your ready, I'm ready." It was kind Louis thought, and sincere which Louis appreciated. Louis was saved by responding by two sets of feet against the hard wood, Louis motioned his head towards the stairs as Harry nodded biting his lip. They had to ignore it now, and pretend for the girls everything was normal, and really seeing them bright eyed mouths agape as they came down the stairs was enough to make it feel normal as they laughed opening presents with lit smiles Louis had to chock back tears every year this year was no different. 

Would this be their last Christmas as a family? Would next year be an awkward coparenting Christmas? He needed to not think that, and just enjoy them having something normal for once. He could give them that. 

The rest of the morning went off without a hitch, expect for when Vivienne was bouncing about and chucked a ball at the kitchen almost knocking the turkey Harry was basting onto the floor. Louis hadn’t been more thankful when everyone started to pop in, the twins getting entertained and not bouncing about in the kitchen. 

Lottie strolled in last, with Dan and the youngest twins in Louis' siblings. Louis could hear Harry greeting them as Anne helped Louis with the turkey in the oven, Gemma was on sharp guard watching Harry and Louis and Louis was having a hard time coexisting in the room. Lottie walked in the kitchen as Louis closed the door to the oven with the turkey just being given a last basting. 

"Happy Christmas Lou, where my darling nieces— oh here we are come here my darlings!" She mused, Louis shook his head as they bounced on her. 

"Auntie Dot, did you see our dolly house?" How could you not Louis thought, he hadn't a clue how they were going to move it into the outside garden the thing was taking up the living room. 

"Harry can you move that over to toward the office get Dan to help." Louis called, Lottie looking back at Louis. They still hadn't had a conversation about what he'd meant a few weeks back, and Lottie knew her brother well enough to know his tone wasn't where it should have been when talking to Harry. 

Louis watched the two girls fuss while Harry and Dan pulled the toy house away from the living room, he shook his head. "Spoiled isn't the word." He mumbled, stirring in gravy granules into the pot of turkey drippings. Anne elbowed him as she mashed the potatoes. 

"Don't talk illy of my granddaughters," she joked Louis rolled his eyes laughing. "Look a bit tired Lou, y'alright?" Louis caught Gemma at the corner of his eye fixing up the salads, listening it wasn't her being rude it kind of felt like everyone knew something but didn't know what. 

"Yeah, just it's the hols, kids drive me mental. Can't wait to school to start, love them to death but I would like five minutes peace." Louis did a lot of work from home, he popped in the office if he needed but it wasn't like a thing where he wasn't home so the girls were driving him a bit up the wall as of late on top of everything with Harry. 

"Well you'll regret saying that, I know I did. Now my babies are all grown and— well can't get rid of that one like." She pointed towards Gemma, Gemma threw a grape tomato at her sticking her tongue out. Louis snorted, times like this he missed his mum desperately, Christmas was with out a doubt always the hardest. 

Everything was going well until it wasn't, Louis was sure the world stopped when Lola blurted out Harry's absence over the last two weeks leading up to Christmas, it was innocent really. Making a comment about how her darling daddy had been gone for two weeks, helping Father Christmas, Anne narrowed her eyes at the girl sitting on her lap as Gemma and Lottie's eyes went between Harry and Louis who were putting away chairs from the fold up table. Louis really felt like he couldn't breathe, he itched the back of his neck pretending he didn't hear her say that. 

"Your father was gone?" Anne questioned, stroking the girls hair, looking at her son who’s eyes were every bit as wide as Louis’, she nodded. 

"Yeah nannie, Lola just said he was helpin' Father Christmas." Vivienne chirped up, Harry walked over a stiffened laugh, Gemma's eyes narrowed at him as he picked Vivienne up from where she was sitting beneath Anne's feet. He bounced her onto his back, giggling. 

"Got wild imaginations, these two." He mumbled quietly and sheepishly, Lola heard however to Harry's dismay, he knew it meant a lot for Louis for it not to be a known thought at the moment. 

"Daddy," Harry give the twin a look as she started out, Lottie pulling Vivienne off Harry's back and giving him a questioning look. "Oh was I supposed to keep that a secret? Is Father Christmas going to be cross now?" She held a hand over her mouth, Harry felt a bit cornered by the three women looking at him his mum the most confused. 

"Uhm," he breathed he hadn't known what to say. 

"Hey, Dais mind taking the littles upstairs for a mo'?" Lottie questioned cutting him off, her eyes scanning for Louis who'd left to the storage room and never returned. "What's going on?" She questioned once they were all out of the room, Harry looked over at Dan and Micheal who was flipping throughout the telly not paying much attention or deliberately staying out of whatever was to come. 

"Nothing, just— just a bit of banter really." Anne raised an eyebrow, as Louis came back into the room, stiffly. Louis wanted to scream at the way Harry decided to describe his absence. 

"I thought something was up at the tree farm, I didn't realize Harry wasn't home for two week when we'd bumped into each other."  Gemma questioned aloud, Louis pursed his lips running a hand over his face. 

"Lou asked the other day if— are you pair not together right now?" Lottie asked finally, drawing the last piece together, Harry didn't miss the mute on the TV being put on, this was entertainment enough, he thought. 

"No," Louis admitted, Harry bitting his lip, Anne's mouth open slightly. "Just bit of a rough patch." He brushed it off, no one exactly buying it. 

"Oh?" Anne asked, eyes glancing between the two, Harry nibbling on his thumb. 

"That bad that—"

"Lottie seriously, drop it. We're sorting it out, s'all fine." Louis scolded, cutting his sister off, her mouth closing. Not wanting her to say anything about what he’d asked her, after Harry’s ‘dinner party’. 

"Well when you said about a divorce, I thought you were being dramatic but your both so bleeding tense and skittish." She retorted back, Louis felt a bit shot because he hadn't meant for that part to come out, he'd tried to smooth it all out before it got explosive. 

"Drop it. I'm serious." Was all he could come back with, everyone was a bit taken back. "It Christmas, please drop it." He begged, voice threading to break. 

"That's why you've been dodging—"

"Lottie fucking stop, I've asked you twice now. Stop, okay. I don't fucking drill you about anything, I'm asking you to stop. So please drop the fucking conversation." Lottie snapped her mouth closed, crossed arms glaring at him and Harry. 

"Look, we'll be fine— just, Lou just wanted us to sort it out before everyone knew anything. He's right it's Christmas, we just don't want the girls to have a cocked up day." Harry reasoned, Louis hated that, he was always fucking bad cop when it came to any situation. Louis shook his head, sighing turning back towards the kitchen as he heard the kettle pop. 

He closed his eyes, gripping the island counter top taking a mental minute and a deep breath. 

"S'just me," came behind him, he lifted his head and turned back to face Anne, trying not to cry. "Baby." She whispered, pulling Louis into her arms, and fuck he really, really hated this. "If you don't want to talk that's fine, but darling I'm here you know that?" She spoke softly snd sweetly, making Louis want to die because he really didn't want anyone knowing anything until he realized what exactly had happened. He let go of her as he leaned his back against the fridge, wiping his eyes. 

"I— I wasn't meant to be that rude I just, I just don't want to talk about it." She nodded, picking up the teapot filling the hot water into the pot. 

"I get it, I've been divorced, twice. It's not something to like talk about over Christmas tea like," she assured, Louis crossed his arms, eyebrow raised. "It was a shock to me, Gemma hadn't mentioned anything and I just— you seem really chewed up over it and my son,  I know he can be a proper twat but he does love you." Louis doubted that, he doubted everything right now, he wasn't sure he even trusted himself let alone anyone in this room. 

"I'm not talking about it Anne, honest. I'm not." She nodded stirring at the tea bags, looking genuine, and it pained Louis because maybe she wouldn't look like that if she knew what really happened. 

"You don't have to but I'll give you a word of advice— nothing is worth keeping a family together if your miserable, my kids would have been miserable had I stayed with their father. They loved him but sometimes I thought it was the best, best if they had both parents. It's not always best unfortunately and it's hard on kids, but baby whatever happened between you too I can tell you already know what you want because I looked the same. And it's my son, yeah, I get that I shouldn't be saying this probably you can't sacrifice your own happiness, okay?" Louis blinked, tears brimming his eyes, Louis knew the right choice he did, but it fucking hurt.

"I feel like proper cunt," he mumbled through trying to keep his crying under control. "We've been together ages— we've built a life it isn't fucking fair." He sobbed, Anne nodded rubbing his arm. 

"Darling I know, it truly isn't, I'm still your family regardless and I'm probably on your side of it anyways I don't even have to know what happened. I know whatever you two chose, the girls are very loved and that's the main point. But nether of you can sacrifice yourselves to keep them happy because chances are, they know something and their not happy." He wiping his eyes, nodding. The girls regardless would have a great life, it wasn't going to be an issue but it was the thought of ripping up their home so young that upset Louis. 

"Thanks Anne," he mumbled, drying his face, she hugged him one last time rubbing his back before heading back into the living room, Louis couldn't move. Harry walked in and Louis was staring into space. 

"I'm sorry." He breathed, Louis looked up at him, cocked eyebrow. "I cocked Christmas up too." He mumbled, shaking his head. Louis wasn't sure if this was one of those things where it was like 'I'm a shit person— but' and honest he couldn't deal with that today.

"Bounded to be cocked up at this point, it's all a proper tit end." He sighed, pushing his hair back, shaking his head. Everything was backside first, Louis hadn't even had time to realize Harry's mother just told him to think of himself and not the kids? 

"I think everyone was heading back," Louis nodded, pushing himself off the fridge, straightening his back. "Lou— I'm sorry all of this got—"

"Don't okay? I'm tired like beyond tired, I've begged everyone to fucking stop, and I'm not begging you too." He snapped as they walked back into the living room, everyone sitting themselves out to leave. Lottie slid on the other side of Louis as Harry started to help Dan with Doris and Ernie, Louis tried to ignore the younger blonde until he couldn't. 

"I'm sorry Lou, but like I'm a bit worried." She whispered, her eyes looking up at him. 

"I understand Lot, but I'm going to be honest unless I'm coming to you about this please don't mention it because I need to figure out me own head and what I think before getting everyone's sodding opinions. I get everyone cares snd worries but, I'll be fine. I'm a big lad, I can make my own decisions." He snapped, she sighed nodded, leaning her head onto his shoulder. 

"I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable, I just— when Lola said that it kind of like, struck that it was important. Y'know and I just, I snapped and I'm sorry, and when you want to come 'round and talk shit about your husband I'm all ears." She joked at the end, Louis give a small smile, hugging her. 

"Thanks Lottie, sorry about snapping." He mumbled, she rolled her eyes as she started to put her coat on. 

"S'what sibs do, innit?" She joked, Louis snorted, as they all bid goodbyes to them Vivienne standing tiredly against his leg. Once they'd all gone, Louis picked Vivienne up, she yawned curing into his chest. 

"My sleepy baby," he cooed, she smiled small closing her eyes leaning into his chest further. "Should we get sorted for bed? Lo— oh." Harry had Lola who was in a similar position only Louis was certain she was actually asleep, Harry brushed her hair out of her eyes. 

"You think it's wrong to let them sleep at quarter to six?" Harry questioned, he knew it was but they looked so sweet and innocent that he was having a hard time wanting to keep them up.

"Yeah but I plan on getting absolutely pissed so, they'll be fine for a few hours and I don't care if they stay up all night watching fucking YouTube videos of perverts playing with dolls they can do that tonight for all I care." YouTube for kids was weird, he didn't understand the exact infatuation with the girls watching grown ass women (sometimes men and that really creeped him out) playing with dolls? He actually didn't care tonight, after the two days he'd put in he needed to just not care. Both girls weren't bathed or changed out of their clothes into their pyjamas, but they set them in bed, both of this little eyelids closed and mouths slightly parted. Harry shut the light out, leaving the door half way open as he followed Louis down the stairs, Louis had already cracked into a bottle of red glass half full as he drank it back. 

"Mind if I join?" Louis shrugged, he didn't care, actually. He was wore out, they sat in silence until two glasses in when Louis felt a bit more livened. 

"Your mam said I need to put me first and not the girls," he stated, Harry's lip on the crystal glass eyes now on Louis. "I just think it's fucked y'know, like I'm so concerned about not making a big deal out of it for them when like you didn't exactly care." He mumbled bitterly, Harry picked the bottle back up topping his glass off Louis doing the same. 

"I know." He breathed, Harry had realized what Louis was doing, Louis figured if he ignored it for as long as possible it wasn't real and maybe nothing had sunk in properly for him yet. Harry really didn't feel he was deserving of Louis being as kind as he'd been to him, Harry knew right from wrong but for his own petted reasons continued. "When I started doing the album it was because I was in this weird— I dunno it was like some kind of limbo, like a kind of what next thing? I can't explain it, but like it was weird and I felt a bit lost, y'know like I had everything I'd wanted but— I wasn't bored but it was almost like that? Like no purpose? I thought recording would have helped, which was stupid because I kind of knew it was like the one thing I could gravitate to, to give me like a validation or whatever." Louis furrowed his eyebrows, he hadn't known that, Harry'd came to him about a year or so ago saying he been writing a lot and wanted to go back to preforming. Louis figured it was bound to happen, that's where Harry always flourished, on stage it was like he belonged there. "It didn't though, it made me like feel worst, I think it was because I was like stuck, stuck between a family and a career that I really didn't need anymore, I could have said the hell with it all and been content but it was like something in me felt off. I think after the twins birthday I was like really fucking low, I was drunk in the studio it was barely half two and I— I fucking lost it. Evan was new at the time, I was piss drunk and I dunno I complained the ear off him and it was like nice because it was someone who wasn't going to check in on me. Like someone unbiased, who shouldn't care how I felt, and it continued like that for a bit I guess. Then it all got fucking out of hand, by my own stupidity, and I was just so fucking low in my own mind that I decided to fuck everything over for me, you and the girls and I couldn't stop. I— I couldn't bring myself to stop because it was like I already fucked up this much, and it was already making me feel like absolute shit and I couldn't stop. I started lying, started staying out more and it repulsed me, I couldn't be home because I knew what I was doing was wrong but I couldn't stop doing it because it was wrong and— I don't know why but I just couldn't." Harry's eyes were on the table, Louis was trying to place dates and times as he was saying it the girls birthday was in April meaning he'd been with Evan for more then Louis even expected. Louis chewed on the skin around his index finger, before letting out a breath and taking a drink finishing the glass in one go. 

"Why didn't you talk to me?" Louis asked brokenly, not looking up, there was a pregnant pause, Harry took a deep breath letting it out of his lips loudly. 

"I was embarrassed, if I'm honest. I felt embarrassed, you had your thing with the label and whatever and I was just mulling about. And I couldn't like— I couldn't like admit to myself I felt washed up, and I definitely couldn't admit that to you." Louis wasn't sure if the explanation was what he wanted, Harry felt like he was missing something so he found comfort in someone else because he was embarrassed? We're they not past that at this point eighteen years in, and feeling lost because you weren't exactly working wasn't like embarrassing to Louis. 

"I think after as long as we've been together, you shouldn't have felt like you couldn't have talked to me about it, this could have been helped I would have understood." Louis finally looked up towards Harry who's eyes were trained at the glass in his hands, tongue between his teeth. 

"I'm not saying I shouldn't have— because I should have just came to you, it was fucking stupid on my part, I made a dick out of everyone because I couldn't bring myself to say I was a bit lost." Maybe it was a mid life crisis, like Liam had thought before, maybe Louis hadn't read into what it meant for Harry to start recording again. 

"Liam called me crazy when I suggested it," Louis admitted, Harry's eyes flashing up to his for a brief moment before back at the glass. "He said you weren't— cheating, you were probably just in some kind of like midlife crisis or whatever, and like hearing you say it now I think you were." He ticked all the boxes for it, and really, Harry hadn't stopped from being sixteen and for the last four-ish years he'd just sat. It wasn't like idly, he did things, just not like preforming globally. It never effected Louis, he loved song writing, and preforming but One Direction had put such a bitter taste in his mouth, he didn't live for it. Harry always looked past the shit that went on during their band days, Louis couldn't. 

"I do reckon s'what it was," he said quickly, Harry had thought about it and logically while it was happening even and he'd chalked it up to being now middle aged and just fucking lost. "Doesn't like— doesn't make it alright though, like me saying mentally I was fucking drowning shouldn't equal an affair. I'm aware of all the things I should have done to prevent it, or bloody stop it but I didn't." Turning thirty had killed Harry, Louis never understood it really, it was a fucking age and Louis was creeping up to forty way quicker then he'd like to realize but everyone aged. He wasn't above aging, when Harry turned thirty-two he'd gotten so much Botox his forehead didn't move for months, it was hilarious really but maybe Louis should have took that as like an indication that life was moving too fast for him snd he couldn't mentally keep up. 

"I think you've needed a therapist for a few years now, but I really think now you need one, you've got a lot mentally you really need to sort out. No one else can like fix what you're feeling, maybe you need like medicated, I don't— I don't fucking know." Louis wasn’t going to burden himself with Harry’s vanity and age related issues, he couldn’t be the one at this point to swell his head and make him feel better, not after what he’d done.

“Would you do it with me?” He asked in a small soft voice, Louis furrowing his eyes brows, he wasn’t the one who had issues to work out what the hell would he need therapy for? He looked around the room shaking his head, it slowly sinking in that Harry was meaning their marriage was possibly fixable by someone mediating there conversation, Louis wasn’t sure that would work. 

“I don’t feel that someone else—“ he paused because he hadn’t a clue how to finish what he meant off, when his mind was currently scrambled he was a cheap drunk as of late and the confessional from Harry was buzzing around his brain trying to seep in and acknowledge it properly. “I don’t think it’ll help at the moment, I need space, I can’t look at you with out being reminded of what you did and I can’t be with you and not feel like a bleeding useless prat.” He followed up, Harry dipping his head back low, nodding pained look stretched across his face. 

“Sitting here now, and realizing the consequences is killing me— I was being ridiculously daft and I can’t fix it if I wanted and it—“

“What did you expect to happen? You could sneak around until you felt some kind of worth again and I wouldn’t find out? Like I honestly feel like was a fucking child’s tantrum because your not a fit twenty year old, like grow up you’re got children your ego isn’t that important anymore.” Harry’s face faltered, Louis knew he was right it came strictly down to Harry’s ego and vanity, he felt no one was paying as much attention to him media wise and some child (he was fifteen years younger in Louis’ eyes he was a child.) give him a speck of attention because apparently affairs are some kind of hot sexual thing that get younger people going these days. Louis couldn’t figure out young adults today, he really couldn’t, he worried for the twins growing up because people were absolutely miserably stupid these days. Morals didn’t exist. 

“I don’t know what I expected long term— I wasn’t thinking, over the last two weeks I was, I couldn’t believe what I had done.” 

“Well it’s been done now, and I’m highly aware of it and I can’t figure it out with you here.” Louis retorted back to him, this could go on all night really, nothing Harry said changed it and nothing Louis said made him feel better. It was pointless. “I’m shattered Harry, absolutely shattered. I can’t— I can’t believe someone I’ve trusted as long as I have, turned around and did this to me. It’s fucked up, and I don’t want to talk about it anymore, it’s almost seven on Christmas Day and I just want to go to bed and not think. I’ll figure out what to say to the girls tomorrow, but I want you gone. I can’t do it with you here, it’s suffocating.” His heart was pounding heavily in his chest when he spoke, lungs tight. What a great end to a shitty year, he thought. He wished the girls were older they understood things to a certain extent, but nothing he said about Harry not being around until Louis sorted his mind out was going to be understood by them. He hated that they’d possibly remember the year their dads separated, and he hated that he’d ether have to explain why he stayed or explain why he left. It wasn’t fucking fair.

Chapter Text

The day Louis was packing the twins up to go to school was the most ecstatic he'd been the whole holiday, don't get him wrong it was nice to have them but they never stopped, and he just needed an afternoon on his own. 

He and Harry weren't exactly on speaking terms at the moment, on Louis' part, the more time it had to sink in the further it angered him. They were on texting terms, Louis made sure to let him to he could do school runs, he'd agreed instantaneously. It was weird Louis would let the twins FaceTime him at night or whatever, and the bullshit spew he'd given to the twins seemed to be okay because they didn't ask any more questions. They also were the most inquisitive gits on the face of the earth. 

Louis spent New Years with his family at Dan's house, and Louis hadn't a clue where Harry'd rang the bells in, the girls said he was with Anne so he assumed that's where he'd been. He was sure they noticed something weird, because when Louis had sat them down and said Harry wouldn't be home for a bit, but they'd still see him they didn't really question it. Louis' eyes glanced towards the door as a knock came feeling so foreign, it was Harry's house he shouldn't be knocking but yet here was the cards he was dealing with. Lola and Vivienne sprinted towards the door, Louis mouth flew open, to stop them but Harry had already entered. 

"Daddy!" They squealed Harry's face lighting up as he kneeled down and they jumped into his arms, it was sweet Louis thought, Harry clutching them tight as he kissed the tops of their heads. He couldn't really associate it with sweet when it just felt bitter, he stayed put scrolling through emails on his laptop as the girls fussed about telling Harry about the last couple days. "And then papa made us go to bed because Vivienne knocked the lamp over." Lola finished, Louis shook his head as he heard them walk closer, yesterday was a bad day. Vivienne a usually quieter child was ridiculously rambunctious, Louis was just as glad when she knocked the lamp over if he was honest, at least he could put them to bed. 

"Not you Viv," Harry asked shocked and yeah it shocked Louis too, when he heard the smash of glass and Vivienne's eyes wide after knocking a ball into it. "Go get your backpacks, I'll talk to papa for a minute." Both girls skipped hand in hand to the hallway closet grabbing the pre-packed backpacks, while Harry stood at the edge of the table Louis was sat at. "I can pick them up too." He stated Louis didn't look up, he just sighed nodding. 

"Yeah, I'll be back after four, shit came up that I have to go in to the office for." He groaned, he might send Liam all the contacts he had to deal with because the brain power he needed just wasn't there today. 

"I'll take 'em for tea, I can have them over at the hotel too like." Louis bit his lip debating it, it would be nice to have day without screaming girls and tantrums (he'd thought they were over that now, he was wrong.) he shrugged nodding. 

"Yeah, alright. Wait and I'll pack a bag up for them." The girls came back into the room, bags on their backs,  smiles wide. "Darlings wait a minute, just going to grab some stuff for you two, fancy stopping over the night with your dad tonight?" He asked, because he kind of had to if they didn't want to he wouldn't let them. They exchanged glances, Lola biting her lip. 

"I thought daddy's home now?" She asked, Louis sighed, wanting to slam his head off the table. 

"I've just got a few things I'm sorting out bug, so I'm stopping at the hotel— it's got a pool won't that be nice?" Both their eyes went wide grinning, clapping excitedly, maybe the best way to aid confusion was to give them something. It wouldn't last long but it could work for the minute. The chants of yes from the two was drilling Louis' headache further, a night away might be nice for him even if he seemed ungrateful being a solo dad over the holidays did him in a bit. It also pained Louis deeply that, Harry saying he had stuff to sort out was easy for them to just go along with. 

"I'll go grab your bags then, Harry come help?" He asked because even if he didn't want to speak to him they had to talk about any further questions the girls could ask. Harry nodded stiffly, following Louis up to the girls' room. "Right then, that was an easy save but they need some kind of explanation." He stated, pacing the room, thumb and index finger cradling his chin. Harry took their little pink suitcase out of the closet folding a couple outfits in the case. 

"I'll have them for a few days, you look like you need sleep or sommat— their six I don't think they'll exactly understand if ether of us it explain it." He tried to reason Louis stopped in his tracks facing Harry. 

"I'm not the one who put them into this fucking mess— don't make it like a beach holiday for them you fucking minge." Louis snapped, eyes wild, Harry closed his mouth, continuing to fold the clothes. 

"I'm not saying that Louis, all I'm trying to say is that something needs to change we can't keep dancing around it. I fucked up I get it—"

"Oh you fucked up," he cut him off sharply Harry swallowing. "You act like it's not a big fucking deal and I'm supposed to just— just I don't know tell my children their father decided some other mans dick was more important then his fucking family!" He yelled, running a hand through his hair. "You don't get to walk in here, tell me that I need sleep and that you'll just take my kids because I look unwell due to your fucking actions." He finished, Harry stood up holding his hand out in front of him not really knowing what to say. 

"I won't have them then, Louis I just— chances are they don't even know what a bleeding affair means and I'm not exactly telling six years olds I was fucking someone else." Louis closed his eyes taking a deep breath before he really snapped, he nodded, and Harry give a confused look back. 

"No your right, take your kids then go on." Harry furrowed his eyebrows, opening his mouth a bit he didn't want to move because he wasn't sure what Louis actually meant. 

"Louis—"

"Their going to be late, take the kids and on the way why don't you fucking tell them you were balls deep in a fucking child!" He screamed, stomping out of the room, Harry stood dumbfounded a bit flinching as he heard their bedroom door slam. He bit his lips, sighing, picking the suitcase up and walking back downstairs. 

"Ready?" He asked the girls who were sitting on the couch with cocked eyebrows. 

"What did papa say?" Vivienne asked, followed by Lola. 

"He was really mad." Harry sighed, shaking his head, motioning for them to stand up. 

"Papas just tired, come on now or your going to be late." He pressed, as the two girls hopped up onto their feet, shoes on. 

"Who was playing with balls? Like footie balls? Did someone steal papas footie ball?" Vivienne pressed, as they walked out and Harry got them sorted into the car. 

"Something like that," he mumbled, fastening them into their car chairs. "You two excited to go back to school?" He asked trying to get them off the subject, because he really was in deep waters now he was glad they were six and didn't exactly understand because he hadn't a clue how to explain it. Luckily they dropped it and chatted about their friends and how they couldn't wait to see Heather, Harry was just glad to avoid the topic of why he wasn't staying at home and why their dad was so mad. Once he dropped them off he sat in the parking lot with his head pressed against the steering wheel, before a tap at his window almost gave him a heart attack. His eyes locked on to Liam who also must have been doing a school run this morning, he give a raised eye, Harry motioned for him to get into the passenger seat. Liam came into the car sitting down, Harry stretched his back out and sighed leaning back into the seat. 

"So," Liam started biting his lip. "I fired Evan just a little heads up." He shot, bitterly, Harry swallowed Liam was the only one who know or so Louis had mentioned. Harry ran his fingers over his lips. 

"I know that." 

"Your still in contact then?" He questioned, annoyed. He wasn't, Evan text him a fucking ear full about getting fired all because of Louis. Harry hadn't even read it all if he was honest. 

"No, he text like angry after I guess. Load of shit really, erm— I kind of made some calls so he'd sign NDA's, y'know Lou doesn't want it out." Liam gave a skeptic look, and it was the truth, Louis had voiced how he didn't want it to be public knowledge at least he fixed that end of it. 

"All's good then?" He retorted, quickly, Harry expected this. "Your a real fuckin' sleaze you do realize?" He snapped, finally getting to what he really wanted to say. "Like it's a really fucking dick move, I don't have the word to describe how insulting and disgusting it is, that's your husband the man you chose to be with since you've been what like seventeen? You've got kids— two bright beautiful girls and you just fucked that all over, Louis is fuckin' sick over it to the point I don't think he's actually comprehending it all. I don't get it, I'm married I've got two kids there's been days where Maya just fight constantly— that's marriage. I would never I'm in my life consider cheating, but it wasn't even like shit it happened once like oops I was drunk bad mistake for months? Like what the actual fuck Harry, what the fuck is up your ass that you could like genuinely think it was okay?" Liam was fuming, Liam was the one they were both closest with, Niall popped in from time to time but he wasn't really based out of London anymore and Zayn wasn't — he wasn't someone who was really in their lives anymore. So Liam who was with Harry and Louis, frequently, who had helped Harry with his album, and worked along side Louis it was the hardest thing to see. There was a pregnant pause, Harry didn't have a response, really because no reason actually made it okay, and he was well aware of that.

"I felt lost, okay and I know— no let me finish. I get that it doesn't make a lot of sense and I'm not like condoning it, but I was at this like weird place, where like my life was just set up. Like I had a family, I've worked for so long I didn't need to anymore and it felt... it felt like the end y'know? Like I was watching the girls grow up so fucking quick, and Louis had his thing and I was just— there. I thought doing an album would fix how I felt, but it didn't because you heard half the shit I wrote it was pure shit. It was the realization that— that part of me was done, I just wasn't young and relevant enough to put out a couple shit singles and sixteen year old girls go mental over them anymore. It just like spiralled from there and it wasn't right I've never said that—" 

"You do realize that's a lot of absolute shit, right?" Liam said cutting him off, Harry furrowed his eyebrows. "I think you've decided that's the version of it to go with, 'I was having a rough time mentally I'm a dad and older now' bullshit. You don't have a nearly year long affair because you weren't putting out number one hits, that's a load of shit." There was no way Liam was letting him put blame on being narcissistic because it wasn't an exact excuse at this point. 

"I know what I did to my family, and I have to live with that." Liam furrowed his eyes brows, he genuinely thought this would blow over. Harry attitude always fascinated Liam, he was kind and he did have a good heart— until it came to something he'd done wrong and then it was like, he figured he forgave people so why shouldn't they forgive him. The world didn't work like that, because especially over this.

"I hope Evan goes public, and I hope Louis tells the girls what you did to them, it's what you deserve. You can't come out of this untouched, I'm sorry but you don't fuck over your husband and kids for you to come out and play a mental health advocate." Liam's voice was flat and blunt edging with all bits of anger, Harry rubbed his nose, moving his hand to hold his head leaning against the window. "I've got to to but I hope you know, you disgust me and I'm sure when everyone else finds out they'll feel the same." The same flat tone came as Liam grabbed the handle popping the door open getting out and slamming it, Harry flinched a bit closing his eyes. There was no way out of this and no way he'd be able to fix it, he'd never felt worst. 

***

Lottie wasn't sure what to think when Louis showed up, and had been sitting on the couch for forty minutes, unable to speak he was crying so hard. She rubbed his back, his face cradled into the base of her neck, her T-shirt wet. 

"Lou, honey, just breathe," she whispered, she could feel him shake his head and she really couldn't fathom what was going on because Louis didn't get this upset over nothing. "Sh, darling, let me get a cuppa." She coaxed as he sat back up further out of her arms, he wiped his face, still crying her heart broke. "Just breathe for a mo' I'll get us tea, okay?" He nodded, face red and swollen, taking the hem of his jumper sleeve across his eyes. She took a mental note to bring face tissue back. When Lottie stepped back into the living room Louis had his feet on the couch, arms crossed under his knees and head resting onto of his knees staring blankly. She set the box of tissue down and the two cups steaming with tea. "Love, can you talk about it?" He didn't look back at her, eyes trained on the wall in front of him, Lottie was worried he was having a mental breakdown— this wasn't her brother. 

"Harry had an affair." He stated flatly, Lottie's eyes wide mouth agape and small gasp, that was not what she was expecting to come out of Louis mouth. 

"Harry— he what?" She pressed, breathlessly and unable to actually comprehend those four words. 

"Better half of a year, he's been fucking someone twenty-two year old." Lottie blinked, shaking her head with a raised eyebrow. 

"Lou," she mumbled and Louis shook his head, not looking back at her. 

"No don't, I don't want the 'are you sure' conversation. I know he fessed up, that's why when I came to pick the twins up— I'd asked that." Her hand was cradling her face, trying to piece it together, dumbfounded completely. 

"I don't get it— I can't, why?" Louis groaned, wishing he'd never said, because now he had the to have a conversation about why his husband felt the need to bed someone else.

"I don't know— give some completely shite story, I don't fucking buy it." She picked up her cup, taking a drink, shaking her head. 

"What are you going to do?" She asked quietly, Louis tipped his head back, letting a breath out, he shook his head. 

“I don’t know,” he admitted, he could easily call a lawyer and be done with it, just as easily as Harry slid into another mans bed but it wasn’t that easy. “I figure if we separate for a bit and—“

“Try and work things out? Lou, I get that’s your husband and the bloke you’ve dated like your who life at this point but like— almost a year long? It’s not exactly an accident at that point, he knew what he was doing and continued it was a blatant disregard of you, Lola and Vivienne. The man he was fucking for months is the man he’d rather spend time with, I’m being blunt but it’s true. Screw you trying to be fair at this point, he hadn’t taken you into consideration at all.” She cut him off furiously, he knew this, his mind screamed it all fucking day. 

“The girls Lot—“

“Fuck him Louis, I’m serious it your call at the end of the day I get that, you know what’s best for you— the girls will be fine, and at least they have one father that actually cares about them because Harry obviously doesn’t. I’m behind your decision full heartedly but I don’t think you can just, take him back like.” Louis didn’t know a life outside of Harry anymore, he just didn’t they’d been together that long that there was a life he knew without being in a relationship and it was the gnawing of starting fresh at thirty-seven that was killing him. He couldn’t just put himself back out there, and he didn’t want to.

“I just need to think, I don’t know where me heads at— he’s takin’ the girls for a bit, had a row this morn’ when he came to take them to school. It’s just one minute we’d discussed looking for a surrogate the next minute he was off fucking someone, I don’t— I don’t get how one thing goes into the other.” He deserved a break, he really did, Harry could suffer the week out with them and deal with them asking questions he knew they’d be bound to ask at this point he couldn’t do that anymore. 

“You can stop with me if you want, just so your not like alone and depressive, you look knackered.” He huffed, he felt shattered, all rights he should look it too. He swallowed taking a breath. 

“Think I’m just going to set off and have a bit of peace on me own, try and sort out me options. Weigh the pros and cons of it, write a list, y’know adult shite I guess.” His tone was bitter, as he looked towards his younger sister. 

“Certainly isn’t adult Louis, this is like a shit storm normal people don’t deal with this. I love you Lou, I want you to come out happy from this.” Fat chance, he thought, nether would make him happy, he just didn’t want to exist anymore. He had to unfortunately, he had to go home and sit and think about what to do from this point on. He hadn’t a clue the proper choice, nether sat right with him, but he fucking had to chose at this point. 

Chapter Text

The day slipped away from Harry quick and before he'd even realized it, it was quarter to three and he as sitting in the school parking lot. It felt weird, because now he had to take the girls back to his hotel and make things normal for them when nothing really was. He wanted to make things okay for them, because he'd been doing everything so wrong and the guilt was laying heavy on his chest. He smiled when he seen them hand in hand walking towards the car with big smiles, waving. Harry got out, as they sprinted towards him. 

"Daddy," they smiled, Harry grabbing their hands as they came up to him. 

"Good first day back, loves?" He questioned, as they nodded feverishly. He put their backpacks into the boot as they hopped into their car chairs, Harry came back around making sure they were fastened in proper before getting into the drivers seat. 

"Can we get pizza for tea?" Lola asked, Vivienne give a disgusted glare at her sister, she'd taken a fit of having cheese lately and wouldn't even touch it. 

"Please no daddy, it's so gross." She whined, Lola rolling her eyes throwing her head back. 

"Why don't we get room service once we're in, you can get pizza bug and you can get something else Viv sound good?" 

"I don't like to be called bug— I'm not a bug, I'm a lady." Harry snorted, as she crossed her arms. The girls chatted about their day and how excited they were to see their friends again, as they drove to a hotel Harry had been stopping at. He'd tried to make sure and keep a low enough profile, even if he wasn't tabloid material anymore, yet the sun still loved the put shit out about anyone and anything. Pulling up to the valet, he helped the two girls out grabbing their stuff and handing the driver his keys thanking them. 

"No, no running." He stated as the two girls sprinted towards the elevator, Harry following quickly behind, as they pressed the button. He swiped his card and pressed the top floor, thankful when the door pinged and they headed through the hallway to Harry's room. 

The girls walked in twirling as they entered, Harry set their stuff down locking the door behind as they bounced onto the bed. Harry wasn't exactly used to being a dad, looking at them he'd missed so much this year playing house with Evan. They changed into big girls, they weren't babies anymore they just looked older, it made him extremely sad because it showed more of what he'd ruined. He couldn't take that back, but he could try and make a change moving forward, he figured. 

He tired them out quickly, and by the time they were having their tea Harry thought they might have actually fell a sleep in their plates. 

"Can I call papa?" Vivienne asked, eyes heavy, he ran a hand through her hair. 

"Why not in the morning, love. Papa was really tired, needs lots of rest." Harry didn't want Louis to ignore his call, and upset Vivienne she would think it was towards her but it really wasn't. She nodded, closing her eyes curling up into her side. Almost instantly falling asleep, Harry let a breath out, looking to Lola who's eyes were already closed and lips slightly open showing she too was already asleep. 

Sleep was one thing Harry didn't do, he'd spent the night looking through recommended therapist throughout London and multiple Reddit threads about cheating on your spouse. Thing was when Harry really thought about it, recording was the worst thing he'd decided to do. It put him in this like time warp of being young again, and it wasn't like he hadn't recorded outside of One Direction he had a very successful solo career. It was just the past four or so years he'd taken off, not doing anything and throwing himself back into it. It was like he was young again sneaking around, back when he and Louis weren't out and had to hide and even though those years were mental torcher it was fun and exciting in some fucked up way. Maybe that's what he'd missed, the privacy, he could openly do what he felt in public without being chastised over it and told it was going to ruin his career. It was one last hold on to his past, one last secret he could have and no one knew. It didn't hurt anyone him and Louis being together, but it hurt a lot of people him and Evan having an affair and he really didn't think that part though. 

He knew, he really did, what it was costing him while he did it but he just— it was like he wasn't him. The second he'd kissed Evan he felt disgusting but he kept going, kept digging his own grave. Getting bolder and bolder in what he was doing, and how often and spending way too much time doing it. He'd spent weekends with Evan claiming he was going away to write, Louis not batting and eye at it because he knew Harry wrote better unplugged and away. It wasn't even down to what he did it was the calculation and deceit behind it all, and he knew all of it made him absolutely disgusting but he couldn't stop. 

It was the attention he was getting, wasn't like he was starved for it at home, but it was different. Louis loved him in a way that was familiar, Evan didn't love Harry and Harry didn't love Evan but it was thrilling, it was the thrill of being involved with someone when your husband had the kids at home. It was like he had a beard again, Louis at home with the kids while he fucked off and lived out a past he and Louis already lived. It was fucked up, and he knew, he knew how wrong and how looking at it, really it made no sense. He didn't really miss being closeted, he'd spent so long living his life being pretend straight that he was ecstatic to finally come out to actually be who he was publicly. It came with backlash, undoubtedly didn't matter how progressive the world became some people still had a problem with it. It didn't bother him, really he knew it would happen. 

He figured now, when he had time to reel in what the fuck he'd actually been doing. It was strictly down to the fact, he was bored, his life hadn't been mediocre ever. Suddenly he was thirty-four, two kids and a basic life, something he'd dreamed of but scared the fuck out of him because what next? There was nothing, he got to raise the girls, watch them find their happily ever afters, have grandkids then be done with it. It was fucking terrifying, so I'm theory he'd known due to his fear of being middle aged he'd fucked himself over all because he couldn't take the fact that his life was now complete. There was no hidden cause, no one could tell him no anymore he was free and the thought of being free was more terrifying then being closed off for him. 

Being a dad was the best, he loved it but then suddenly the girls were six and in school and starting to grow so quickly it was like he blinked and here he was. Everything just kind of hit him so quickly, and yeah it was a midlife crisis he'd admit that part, it was scary getting older and just— his life was set and there wasn't a thrill anymore. He should have been content, isn't that what he'd worked so hard for his whole adult life? Settling down and being where he was?

He didn't know when he woke up and chose, to fuck himself over but now he was living it and he couldn't feel worst then he did. It wasn't worth it because now he knew he'd lost Louis, and he was going to lose the girls and there wasn't anything he could do to change it anymore. He'd done it and it wasn't fixable, he could see in Louis' face there was not fixing it and that made his skin crawl. For the first time in the eighteen years they'd been together he couldn't fix a thing. 

***

After dropping the girls off, Harry's phone buzzed Gemma's name flashing up, he sighed pressing answer as he drove back to the hotel. 

"Hello?" He answered, as the call connected. 

"Mams over, you and Lou want to come 'round?" She asked voice coming through the car speaker, Harry swallowed. 

"Erm— I've just dropped the girls off, I think Louis had a work thing," he trailed off clearing his throat. "I'll pop by." 

"Shit— right, yeah. We'll chat when you get here then."  Harry sighed, he'd have to tell them what was really going on, even if they hated him too. Harry hung up and drove over to Gemma's flat, pulling into the car park really not wanting to go up. He went up, Gemma opening the door with a smile as he knocked. 

"Tea?" She asked, as he walked in kicking his shoes off,  he nodded, walking though to the living room where his mum was sat. 

"Hi baby," she said as he came in, he walked over kissing her cheek, taking a seat besides her. "How's things?" She questioned, no one had brung up the Christmas fiasco, even at New Years it was kind of a not talked about subject. He shrugged shaking his head, as Gemma came back in setting his cup down on the coffee table. 

"It's— I'm working on it." He said, pained, Gemma licked her lips as Harry picked up the tea cup sucking back on it. 

"We'll I've got so pleasant news," she announced, happily, Harry turned his attention to her, his mum smiling. "I'm pregnant." She smiled, Harry's jaw dropped eyes wide. 

"Gem— wow, congratulations." He mumbled out, trying to be happy for her even if he mentally couldn't, he'd pretend he was at least. 

"Bit of a surprise, wanted to wait a year or so but I couldn't be happier." He hugged her, as she laughed. "Got plenty of experience from your brats." She joked, Harry leaned back in the couch, looking down and nodding stifling out a laugh. "What is going on with you two, it's like— I dunno if it's over a silly row I feel like it's a bit far fetched." She questioned, crossing her legs, Harry took a deep breath. 

"I uhm— well," he breathed, shaking his head he was really going to just say it. "I had an affair." He squeaked out, so quickly his mum and sister give the same look. 

"I'm sorry, you— come again?" His mum asked, eyebrows furrowed, mouth parted open. 

"I had an affair," he said again, slowly two sets of eyes wide on him as he spoke. "Louis found out, and we've been living separate since. I'm havin' the girls for a bit, y'know give him a break." Gemma's hand was rested on her nonexistent bump, other hand resting against her lips mouth agape. He couldn't even turn to look at what his mothers face was, he literally was his father.

"Oh yeah, very courteous of ya Harry— what the fuck?" Gemma spat, as it finally registered to her what he'd said. "You had an affair? With who?" He rubbed his thumb and index finger over his lips, pulling at the top lip. 

"Evan Adams, a bloke I was working with." His mum was deadly silent, and that scared him more then anything. The woman was never at a loss for words. 

"Are you taking the piss?" He wished, he just looked back at Gemma who's eyes were fuming. "You absolute tit, what the absolute fuck who has an affair randomly after all the shit you two went through? You have kids for Christ sake." She spat, he leaned further into the couch, shaking his head. His mum's glance was hard trying to read him. 

"It wasn't right—"

"Are you absolutely mental," Gemma cut in, Anne opening her mouth a bit finally, swallowing. 

"I had a feeling that's why Louis was so chewed up." She said finally, eyes glancing over Harry. She took a deep breath. "I'm your mother, I should be on your side of this regardless, I kind just figured it was— I dunno you two just didn't fight often it was like a spat gone wrong or whatever. It was in the back of my mind if I'm honest, but Harry, there's no— there's no defending what you've done. Your an adult, with children and a home you don't just— did I not raise you above that?" Her tone was neutral, and oddly calm, calmer then his sister who was a second away from hitting him. Maybe it was too close to home for her, and it dug up old scars from where his father had cheated on his mum and just left one day to move in with another woman. 

"It's nothing to do with anyone— it was me I was feeling like shit, and stuck in a fucking cycle and i for scared, and I cocked it up." It did bitterly remind him of when his dad left, and he hated that his kids would look at him the same way he looked at his father, he's promised himself he'd never do that to someone yet here he was. 

"You absolute prick—"

"Gemma." His mum warned, Gemma's eyes filled with anger and hurt. "It's a shame it really is, but I'm sure Louis knows what he's to do from this point on." He calmness was harder then her anger, the disappointment dripping on her face. "He's a better person then I could ever be, I wouldn't have let you come 'round after knowing what you'd been doing." Came lastly, he swallowed, she was pissed. Rightfully so, her son turned out to be the same asshole she'd married and had kids with, something she'd tried so hard to make sure that he didn't become. She taught him respect, drilled it so far into his head his whole life that he thought he could be the man his father wasn't. His mum couldn't change the damage One Direction instilled on him, the narcissism that came with being the most publicized member did do him any help. Harry clenched his jaw, eyes heavy with regret. 

"I know," he mumbled, letting a breath out, Gemma crossed her arms, pursing her lips. "I just— I know I ruined everything and it was stupid and it shouldn't have happened but I can't change it now and I don't know what to do, to make it better." He rambled, he was sick of repeating the same line over and over again, he did it and now he has to live with it. Gemma shook her head at his tone, it didn't sound remotely remorseful and that was the worst part of it. 

"I don't think you regret it though," Gemma said, softer this time, disappointed. "You've got this empty attitude about it, you put someone else before your family— that's extremely fucking disgusting. You of all people know what it's like, your girls will look at you the same way we looked at dad, and you have to live with that and I don't think you realize what a miserable fucking existence it is to be hated by your children. They idolize you, I can see it across their faces, and you took two girls full of innocence and wrecked their lives and for what? Like it's disgusting Harry." Long term he didn't see an outcome, he couldn't really see anything past this week, he was always a long term goal type person but he couldn't make goals or where he'd like to be long term. Harry wasn't not guilty, it was more or less a thing of he knew what was wrong but he had no chance in fixing it, and it wasn't a person who wore sorry on his face— ever. Maybe he could work on being a bit more empathic? He wasn't sure what emotion he needed to work on but clearly it was one, because everyone thought he didn't care. 

"Do you not think I know this? I am highly aware of that, completely. I cannot change what I have done, all I can do is work towards being in their lives wether they hate me or not long term. More then I can say dad did." Anne was still silent, trying to figure out what to say to her son who she's supposed to support, but this isn't a circumstance to stand by. 

"All because you woke up one morning and decided you didn't love Louis anymore." Harry gave Gemma a look, standing up, pacing. 

"No," he snapped. Their eyes both on him. "Because I woke up one morning and I didn't know who I fucking was, and I hated myself. This has nothing to do with Louis, or the girls— it's got to do with me and feeling like absolute shit for months." He snapped, truthfully, Gemma wasn't looking at him anymore, she was looking at the ground. "I'm not making it excusable and no one seems to realize that, I know exactly what I did, and I know exactly what I lost." Anne twisted her lips, letting a sigh out. 

"I don't like to hear that you weren't doing well mentally, but it doesn't make it acceptable ether way Harry— no I get that you realize that now, but top and bottom of it you did it. You still did it and it was just the disrespect towards your family, you caused because you didn't come to anyone and say anything. It could have been helped, you don't always need to play the perfect life, people get down. People also don't cheat on their spouses to give them a self worth, unless they're sick of their spouse to some degree. I think there's a lot you need to sort out, in your own head before you can even consider making any changes. I also don't think it's right, Louis give you the girls, he may have a lot on his mind— but I personally wouldn't have trusted you. I think the only reason he did was because he needed time to himself and didn't want to burden anyone else with it, he's always been selfless like that." He itched the back of his neck, his mum's tone still just as calm, he could tell mentally she was trying to work out what to say and how to say it. He licked his lips sighing. 

"I know." He said quietly, pursed lips and shaking his head. "I just want to make a change from this point on, even if I messed it all up, I want to make what I can from this point on, right." He didn't know how he could do that, and he wasn't sure he actually would make anything better, more normal even but he would try. It was his unwillingness to change his own attitude that got him into this mess, so he was more then well aware he was the one who had to make major changes in his own life if he even had the slightest chance at anything.

Chapter Text

Louis was taking small steps, every step feeling worst and worst as he walked down the corridor to his lawyers office. He sighed, biting his lip as he knocked on the door, the receptionist coming opening it the door with a smile. 

"Hi Louis, Daniel is in his office ready for you." He'd kept it vague, Louis had to meet with Daniel frequently for work related issues anyways.

"Thanks, Mia." He smiled, as she sat back down, taking a drink of her coffee. He looked up as he walked down the hallway to Daniel's office opening the door, wanting to turn around. 

"Tomlinson," Daniel started out as he pushed the door open, taking a seat rubbing his temples. "What's going on?" Louis usually didn't come in for meeting unless it was crazily important, everything else could be done over email, this was sensitive and he wasn't sure he could just send a email off and be done with it. He sighed, twisting his lips. 

"Uh— do you, you probably don't I mean," he rambled, god he hated this, he'd not really gave him self a chance to even realize he was going to do this let alone voice it. "Like family law— you don't have like, y'know expertise? Do you?" Daniel raised an eyebrow, questioningly tilting his head to the side. 

"I don't specifically specialize in family law no, is it a client of yours issue or?" He asked, voice trailing off, Louis was sure his facial expression gave it away, he felt like his face looked pained. 

"No," he cleared his throat. "Personal." Daniel looked a bit stunned, but composing himself quickly, pulling a drawer open from his desk, flipping though a small black book. 

"Right, well. I can you know give you basics but I can't exactly help you— a mate I used to work with Chris he does a mainly family law," he pulled out a piece of paper writing what Louis assumed to be Chris' contact information. "He works within the business so he's good that way, what's— what's going on?" He asked finally, Louis straightened up a bit in the chair, his head resting in his palm. 

"I think I want a divorce." He mumbled, hating hearing the way it came out of his mouth. 

"You think? I can't— I can't help but I can maybe y'know give some advice?" Daniel had been a lawyer of Louis' for the past close to ten years, so it came as a bit of a shock when Louis was sitting opposite to him discussing a divorce. 

"Harry was having an affair, and I just— I don't really think it's fixable, like I think there's a lot I could come back from but it's always," he paused taking a breath he really was making it official now. "It'll always be in the back of me mind, and I can't live the rest of my life wondering if my husbands going to cheat or just even be on my toes about it y'know and it's not like a faint decision. I've tried to like think of ways I could just, work to not get a divorce but I don't think I can. Maybe some people can but — I can't. It's a level of betrayal I can't, I just can't come back from that." He really couldn't he'd spent nights thinking about ways he could forgive Harry, and he couldn't nothing would change what Harry did and nothing would change the hurt and disappointment Louis felt. For his own sake he couldn't consciously live with himself. He thought for the sake of his children he really could just, try and get past it but the more he spent thinking about it there was no getting past it. And at the end of the day it wouldn't be fair to the girls if he had stayed with Harry, they didn't deserve to grow up in a home that wasn't full of love and their home wouldn't ever be the same. There was a pregnant pause, Daniel scratched at his neck, swallowing glancing at Louis with very sympathetic eyes. 

"This is Chris' contact information here, shit Louis— I don't, I honestly don't know what to say. I'm sorry mate, honest. It's miserable now, but I mean, better now then later I guess. Be worst if you didn't know, right?" Would it have been? Could his ignorance have been blissful, or was his marriage bounded to end up tattered. It clouded his mind to think of the endless possibilities if he hadn't found out, would it still be going on— he couldn't keep thinking about it, he really needed to rid his mind of it all. 

"Suppose," he muttered, brokenly, picking up the piece of card stock paper on the desk. "Thanks for this, I should head out— I'll be in touch if anything else comes up." He spoke, standing up smoothing out his jumper biding Daniel a goodbye. Walking out he felt no better or no worst, comfortably numb, he could guess is what he felt. He walked out, pulling his mobile out and dialling the number on the card. The nail was in the coffin now, and he knew he had to nail it in, he couldn't rip it out. There was not a chance they could ever work things out, maybe Harry could, but Louis couldn't live with it. The rest of his life would be wonders every time he walked out the door, if he'd be going to meet someone else, Louis couldn't do that to himself. He'd spent the last month nearly thinking of the girls and it was silly, he'll admit that now, nothing in the world could keep them together other then the past being changed. Seeing as that was impossible and never, ever going to happen he knew now that he couldn't move forward with Harry as his husband— he couldn't, even if it meant he'd be alone for the rest of his life. It was miserable, Harry singlehandedly taken every part of Louis, and crushed it, you don't expect this far down the line someone gets bored of you and moves along to someone new and shiny and young. It made his stomach twist, every time he thought of it, and he couldn't live the rest of his life feeling like this. A divorce wasn't going to fix what Harry had done, but it would give Louis that chance at happiness, he'd hoped, even if the process was like burning in hell he'd get through it even if it was by the skin of his teeth. 

***

Turns out Chris was nice, easy to deal with and extremely nonjudgmental, he guessed yeah that was the job qualifications of being a lawyer but it worried him none the less to have some asshole help him through this. 

"Just like rule of thumb, as soon as you file its public knowledge." Chris announced, as the printer stopped and he grabbed twelve sheets for Louis to fill out, that was going to do his head in. Louis furrowed his eyebrows a bit, confused. 

"I kind of want this as low key as possible for the girls, I don't want a media shit storm, is there a way to make sure it stays out?" The man shook his head, signing a couple forms, sliding them into an envelope. 

"Divorces have to be public files, for like legal reasons like jobs and whatever, like if it's a domestic or sexual abuse people can see it when they do a background check. Unfortunate but you can find anyone's divorce settlement no matter how much they can pay to keep it private, that's all extremely public." One thing that was eating him alive was at one point they had been an extremely papped and publicized couple, he'd hate that the girls were going to have to be in the public eye because of their dad. The divorce was only going to fuel a media frenzy, and that killed him, going through this and for the papers fo write on it. 

"Right," he muttered, bitterly, it was the life he chose he supposed but it didn't make it better, he really didn't want to have to deal with tabloids at all. "I'll give this a go over, then and sort out some things with Harry I guess." 

"It's going to be a long four to six months," Chris said, with sympathy. "It can go uncontested if he won't sign, once he's served just makes it a bit more of a headache for us but ether way if that's what your sure you want we can make it happen regardless. Bit more tricky with the kids, and the custody will need to be settled, all things we can worry about after we file though. I wouldn't worry too much on that. Let me know if there's anything in this, that needs fixed or what not, you have my email there just send a message." It was weird sitting here discussing terminating his marriage, he'd never have thought he'd be sitting with a lawyer discussing settlement and custody but here he was. He picked up the envelope, gripping it tightly as he walked out this was what he'd decided, and he wasn't going back on it, he couldn't. 

Harry was to bring the girls back today, so he figured he at least had a couple hours to read though and figure out how to discuss it without malice with Harry. 

The envelope sat in the passenger seat, feeling like it weighed heavy besides him, he'd wanted to tear though it but he knew his emotions were scattered an really he didn't fancy sitting outside a lawyers office crying over a piece of paper. 

He'd gotten home quick, unlocking the door, kicking his shoes off and heading straight to his office to go over the papers. 

He filled out most of it quickly, all basic shit he paused when it came to the custody section, realistically and selfishly he wanted to apply for full with visitation rights for Harry. He didn't feel it was fair to the girls, they didn't see the ugly shit he did and they wouldn't even begin to understand, only understanding that their papa wouldn't let them see their daddy and he couldn't be the bad guy in this— he couldn't. He'd come back to that, after he thought about it more. 

It hadn't taken him more then twenty-four hours to realize, he wanted a divorce after Harry'd taken the girls away, truthfully he'd teetered on his options but every time he'd considered staying with Harry it made him sick. The multiple articles he'd read though on cheating spouses, also sealed his thoughts, it wasn't usually one and done and really the thought would never leave is mind if Harry would do it again. 

He sighed when he heard the girls, half three came by so quick he'd been so lost in his own thoughts he hadn't had a chance to even realize the time. 

Louis walked back down stairs, Harry in the kitchen fixing the girls a snack. 

"Papa!" They squeaked, smiling and Louis smiled at them kissing the tops of their heads as he walked past them sitting at the kitchen island. 

"Hello darlings, miss you pair loads." He commented back, they were his life and the only thing he probably loved anymore. He glanced over at Harry who passed the girls jam and crackers, as they happily chatted. "Mind if I have a word with you upstairs?" Louis questioned, Harry slouching his shoulders nodding as he followed Louis back up to the office. 

Louis picked up the envelope handing it to Harry, who gave a shocked but not surprised expression. 

"Is this?" He questioned not asking the full sentence, Louis knew ether way he'd known what it was. 

"Yeah," he breathed, Harry taking the papers out, sitting on the chair as Louis leaned against the desk. He watched Harry's eyebrows furrow deep in concentration, eyes skimming over every word. 

"You left the bit about custody blank," he mumbled, not looking up from the page. "Your not—"

"No I'm not going to take the kids away from you, as much as I fucking want to," he said back, Harry's eyes meeting his, eyebrows knitted so closely together. "Is that all you have to say, like I don't want an argument about it I've made my mind up and— I think it's the only fair option, for me. Don't you have anything to say?" It stung, because was this the end goal? Did Harry do it deliberately, so in the end Louis would divorce him? His mind swam with theory's and now he had a new one to add. 

"No— Louis look," he breathed sitting the papers on the desk, rubbing a hand over his face. "All week, everyone's told me you'd be daft to not divorce me— I get it, I would fucking do the same. I just, it's just not easy to see, I know it's all on my own causes but I just— it's not sinking in." Louis raised an eyebrow, rolling his eyes, shaking his head. 

"I don't have a comment Harry, honest. I don't. Show some fucking compassion maybe? Christ." He snapped, finally, maybe it was the lack of care that pushed him into a divorce maybe had Harry genuinely bent over backward he wouldn't have been so apt. 

"I'm sorry— I don't know what else to say." He stammered, Louis felt like he actually wasn't and given the chance he would do it again, he figured whatever speech he'd give him as an explanation was bullshit but now, now he was sure. Louis picked the sheet of paper up, grabbing a pen. Harry's eyes not moving from Louis' hands. 

"Well I don't know ether, but you can have visitations with your kids— but you can't have them." Hating the way it came out, he flinched at his own words, it was too bitter. "And I'll explain to them in fucking great detail that their father had decided, to choose some rando over his kids. Just like your dad, innit?" He stuck the knife in twisting it, Harry’s demeanour changed nothing screamed apologetic like Louis wished. 

“You can’t make them hate me, it was a mistake.” He said back, not faltering matching Louis’ grit. 

“No, unfortunately I can’t,” Louis was beyond the point of anger, the words were coming out but he wasn’t registering anything. “Your mistake already has made them hate you, you tore this family part, and you chose your own fucking fate. Don’t you dare try and plead the fifth now, you already fucked it over sideways and I won’t allow you to make me or the girls anymore miserable then you already have.” Louis put the pen and paper down, eyes full of rage, Harry’s eyes roaming Louis up and down— cornered. 

“Louis I’m sorry—“

“Your not bleeding sorry, please stop— it’s painful to hear because you’ve got empty fucking eyes like your not even believing what your saying, your like a thief who isn’t the least bit sorry they committed the crime but very sorry their going to jail. Save the fucking dramatics, I’m done. Okay, cut and dry. I am done.” Louis rubbed a hand over his face, he needed to get that out even if at the moment it made him feel indifferent maybe one day he’d be glad he said that. 

“I’m not saying anything about your decision, other then the fact you want to keep my kids away from me, there’s no fucking reason I’m not unfit I’ve never been a bad father to them—“

“You do talk some shit,” Louis cut him off, Harry’s eyes narrowing. “First off you used some kind of bullshit— that’s what it was utter shit, explanation about being depressed or whatever so you cheated on me (???) second off, maybe no you never mistreat the girls physically but you were absent all fucking year. I don’t think that’s exactly award winning father like material, come off it now. I get it fuels your ego to try and fucking win something, but your not winning this, my mind is made up and there’s no way in hell I’m letting you have the girls six month out of the year. No way.” Louis was holding back raising his voice, trying to keep it at bay, he’d tell the girls but not like this. It wasn’t fair for them to be anymore involved then what they had been, and he’d do anything for their sake even when he’d briefly debated staying married to a man who was only going to continue to hurt him and really when he’d thought about it, properly, it wasn’t fair to them. 

“So now you don’t believe me?” Louis scoffed, at Harry’s comment, dumbfounded really. What was his point in trying, other then to get a rise out of Harry. 

“I’m not doing this, look I’ll finish this up and have a solicitor by, sound good?” Harry shook his head standing up, Louis crossed his arms, this was weird for him. He was sure he wasn’t living his own life anymore, because if he was this wouldn’t be happening. 

“Yeah, and I’ll have my lawyers on that too.” 

“Nice of ya Haz, thanks.” He retorted voice fully of sarcasm. “Way to really end thing gracefully, thought you could at least give me something that wouldn’t absolutely make me ill to think of. I’m not that lucky though, am I?” Harry ran his index finger along his forehead, and Louis really had never hated someone this much in his life, he really hadn’t. 

“I’ll see my self out.” He replied, bored expression and Louis wanted to scream. Louis knew he was the most insufferable twat, but he loved him and they made it work, now it was actually revolting and childish. Louis watched as Harry left the room, he shut his eyes and took a deep breath, this was it. He was doing it, and he’d fight the hardest he could to make sure Harry came out with nothing. He’d taken every ounce of Louis, he couldn’t have anymore. 

Chapter Text

Louis woke up in an irritated mood, not shocking really his mental limit just wasn't there anymore, most likely the lack of sleep and the realization that he was getting divorced. He had to tell the girls, there was no way he could keep living in limbo about it, and it was eating him up. He'd mentally planned it out a hundred different ways, but watching them sit, still laying in the pyjamas watching cartoons he figured he needed to bite the bullet. 

"Lola, Vivienne?" He called out as he came from the dining room, closing his laptop walking over to the living room, two brunette heads popped up blue eyes locking on him. "I wanna talk to you two for a minute, okay?" They both nodded, as he took a seat besides them. "Daddy's not going to be living here anymore." The girls exchanged a look, confused looking back to Louis. 

"Is this because someone stole your footie ball?" Louis blinked, what the— he paused both girls giving a knowing look to each other. 

"My footie ball? What Viv?" He questioned, wondering what bullshit Harry had actually fed them. 

"Y'know when daddy came to take us to school the other day, you screamed about a ball or sommat." Lola replied for her sister, Louis leaned back realizing he had been rather loud that morning, shaking his head. 

"Erm— no, it's complicated my loves. You just might not see your dad as much anymore." What was he actually doing, he thought, this was so new to him alone how was he sitting his girls down at six having a conversation about him and their dad living separate. "I know you are both big girls but there's some things you won't understand until your older, daddy and I just haven't been getting along and we're not going to be together anymore." The look his girls give him with that statement broke his heart, Lola grabbed Vivienne's hand, and Louis wanted to cry.

"But— your our daddies and," Vivienne started out Lola looking into her lap. "Can't you just— papa, why does daddy have to leave?" Louis bit back a sob, this was painful, this was worst then finding out about Harry's affair. 

"Come here," he said quietly voice threatening to break, as two girls fell into his arms heads resting on his chest. He rubbed their backs, wishing someone would do the same for him. "I know it's going to be hard, my big beautiful strong girls but everything will be okay, I promise." There was a pregnant pause, Vivienne's head popping up looking at Louis, pouted bottom lip and wet eyes. Of course they understood to an extent what Louis was meaning, even if they wouldn't fully grasp it. 

"Can't you and daddy just say sorry? When your mad at us it's okay if we say sorry, papa please I want daddy too." She begged, Louis closed his eyes taking a breath, sniffling at the crying girl in his arms. 

"It's not like that Vivienne, I'm sorry darling. I wish it wasn't like this." Lola lifted her head, looking every bit as distraught but not crying like Vivienne was, pulling out of Louis' arm. 

"Daddy can apologize— wait," she paused, Vivienne wiping her eyes as she turned to her sister. "Is this aunt Dot's fault?" Louis looked at Vivienne, Lola's eyes wide and mouth open, Louis furrowed his eyebrows wondering what they were even talking about. 

"When aunt Dottie called daddy—"

"Yeah," Lola nodded in agreement, looking back at Louis like he was to know what they were talking about. Vivienne, shook her head annoyed. 

"Bit lost loves, what did aunt Dottie say?" Louis questioned, voice high, figures no one ever filled him in on anything. 

"When we were stopping at the hotel, aunt Dot was on the phone to daddy and me and Vivienne heard her say daddy was a prick and she hoped you broke up with him." Lola announced, Louis' eyebrow raising now trying to figure out yet another saga in his life. Vivienne leaned over whispering into her sisters ear, apparently for once in her life actually whispering because Louis couldn't hear a thing. Lola's eyebrow raised, slamming a hand over her lips with a gasp. 

"Viv, out with it, no secrets," Louis said sternly as the twins faced him again, Lola shrugged elbowing her sister. "Look, I don't know what aunt Lottie was saying, but she's not got anything to do with it. I promise." Both girls exchanged a glance, sorrow still thick across their dainty features. 

"Well," Vivienne started out looking back at Lola who nodded, Louis could spend all his life trying to figure the way twins communicated and still have no idea it never ceased to amaze him. "We did also hear daddy say that, uhm—" she paused looking at Louis with a shrug, Louis was a bit worried now they had no issue telling him Lottie called Harry a prick so it couldn't be much worst then that. "Well daddy said that he made a big mistake uhm, fucking around and he's sad too." Louis blinked, figures the girls would have heard that, he didn't scold them like he wanted to. They'd always tried to make sure their kids didn't have as fowl mouths as they did, but they were kids and they had a wide vocabulary when it came to cursing. 

"It's okay if your repeating what someone said, just you know not to say them words all the time, right?" They both nodded, last time they'd had a bad row Lola the cheeky twin called Vivienne a daft cunt, Louis was to blame for that he figured and honestly it took him back so much he did laugh. They both sat them down to explain, words their dads use aren't always words they can use.  They'd both lost their iPad for the week, and the lesson was learned they really had stopped using curse words until now. "There's a lot you two are just too young to know, but I promise you okay? Papa promises, everything will be okay. I do know why aunt Lottie and your dad were having that conversation, but it's not for little ears one day I'll tell you both." He hoped the day didn't come and they forgot about it, by the time they were old enough Louis didn't feel like opening old wounds about his ex husband. They didn't look happy with that, Louis figured as much he was honest they were spoiled as the come, they wouldn't easily let Louis not tell them something. 

"But were almost seven, we are older!" Vivienne huffed, Lola pursing her lips. "Wait a minute— what about going to Disneyland for our birthday, you both promised!" Came next, louis deadpanned, he'd forgot they'd booked Disneyland last year for them. 

"I'll still take you, it's going to be hard my darlings, but daddy wasn't really home much lately was he?" The twins glanced at each other, index finger rubbing their lips thoughtfully, before a sigh came and a shake of their head. Disappointed eyes, Louis knew how they felt, it was beyond disappointment to put all your faith in someone for them to pull it out from underneath your feet with out a second thought. 

"But were a family," Lola protested, once more, stabbing Louis time and time again. He knew they didn't know better, but every try they gave pulled at Louis' heart further. "Families stick together." She said lastly, looking down at her lap, Louis' hand went to her chin gently touching it lifting her head up as Vivienne crawled into his lap. 

"We'll be alright, okay? Trust me Lola, I wish it wasn't like this." A tear slid down Lola's cheek, Louis brushed it with his thumb. "No crying alright, everything's going to be okay."

"I want my daddy too." She cried, Louis just pulled her closer to him, one hand on her back as she sobbed into his shoulder, other rubbing Vivienne's side as he could feel the soft trembles in his lap. 

"I know love," he mumbled, soothing them. "It'll all sort it's self out." He repeated hoping the more he said it, the more true it would be. He wasn't sure how true it was at this point, though. 

***

Louis needed to get a break he really did, the full day he'd spent trying to console the twins and try and dodge specific questions surrounding why their dad wasn't going to be living with them anymore. He half wished he hadn't opened this mouth. 

"Up we get," Louis announced, both girls cuddled into each other in Louis' bed, it was now tea time and they'd still not gotten dressed. Two sets of eyes met his, with pouty lips. "Gonna go get some maccy's and pop over to visit Heather, sound alright?" Louis figured the more time he kept them occupied the lest they'd dwell on it, he'd read it online, he wasn't sure it would work but he'd try anything. Vivienne kicked her legs out, rolling on the bed onto her stomach, a muffled no coming as her head was lodged in a pillow. Louis sighed sitting on the bed now too, looking at Lola pleadingly, who shook her head. 

"Only if daddy can come." Louis wanted to scream, he ran a hand over his face, groaning. He was the adult yet these children ran his life entirely, this was not the time though and he couldn't have them act like this. 

"Darling, dads not here—"

"Not leaving then." Lola huffed, putting her self in the same position her sister was in. Louis pinched the bridge of his nose, shaking his head. 

"Right, want some toasties for tea then?" A unison of no's came muffled, Louis threw his head back, sighing. "You can't bloody starve." Lola popped her head up, looking at Louis annoyed, narrowing her eyes. 

"Not eating 'till we can see our daddy." Brats absolutely, brats. Louis thought, as Lola put her head back into the pillow. 

"Your both going to suffocate if you don't sit up," he chastised, nether one moved. "You just seen your dad, he's busy right now." Still nothing, Louis sighed standing up out of the bed. "Right then, no tea." He mumbled, standing over the bed waiting for one of them to sit up, stubborn gits, he thought to himself as they both stayed still. Louis shook his head walking out of the bedroom, hearing the bed creak with movement as he left he rolled his eyes and continued walking down to the living room. This was going to be way harder then he'd expected. 

He fixed a pot noodle and sat on the couch, flipping though the telly, messaging Liam the twins were being difficult and he'd try and bring them 'round tomorrow. He hoped tomorrow was better. He understood it, in their eyes Louis was keeping them away from Harry, which was somewhat true and really it was bold of him to think they'd be fine with his explanation. This was just the thick of the storm, he'd get through it even if it was by the skin of his teeth. Somehow it had to get better. Louis sat idly not even watching whatever rubbish was on, hoping his two brats would come down admitting defeat and actually eat something, that didn't happen. By the time half six rolled around, he decided maybe he should tend to them even if he was enjoying not having them cry on him at the moment. Louis popped up stairs, sticking his in his bedroom door not opening it fully because it was sweet to look at. Both girls sat sitting up, heads resting together. 

"I think that'll work," came Vivienne's voice, Louis narrowing his eyes at the girl Lola shrugging. "Papa does seem sad." Lola bounced up, Vivienne giving a scolding look as she stabled her self almost falling as Lola moved away from her. 

"They obviously can't break up, 'specially if one of us is sickly." Louis admired the idea, but it wouldn't help. It hurt because he knew, the girls were so distraught over it, but he wasn't at fault here. They didn't understand their father did something so wrong that louis couldn't even look at him anymore, it wasn't going to be fixed by some shrink. Louis always would wait on baited breath for Harry to do it again, wether it happened or not Louis couldn't stay married. Not matter the fuss they both put up, it wasn't healthy for him, and they wouldn't know now but it wasn't healthy for them ether. 

"You could break me leg," Louis' eyes bulged out, almost gasping but trying to keep as quite as he could, maybe he should just walk in. "No, not like that Lola— sh, he's going to hear." Louis took that as his que to walk in, because currently Vivienne was pinned under Lola and Lola was trying to actually snap her leg. 

"Whatever is going on you too," he scolded, both of their eyes wide as they turned to him, Lola hoping off of Vivienne lip between her teeth. 

"Nothing." They said in unison, shifty eyed, Louis raised an eyebrow crossing his arms.

"What did I tell you two about fighting?" The each gave each other a side, then looking down, Louis sat down on the bed. "I know it's a big adjustment, and you both are upset and darlings I am too. Sometimes things don't alway go the way we want them to, and okay it's like this— you know in a movie right, where you expect something to happen and you want it to happen but it doesn't? That's life, and this is the first disappointment you two have had to face, so it's hard but when life throws curve balls at you, you keep going no matter how hard and how upset you are." He was trying to be adult with them, figured talking to them somewhat like grown ups and not children might help.  Lola looked back down at her lap, Vivienne biting her lip. 

"I tried to break Vivienne's leg," she admitted, Louis nodded, he was well aware of that. "We just thought maybe daddy would be able to come home then, why can't he?" She asked, voice quiet. This was the hard part and if Louis could get through dealing with explanations to his children, the divorce would be a cake walk. 

"Come here," he said, both girls coming into his arms, cradling them on each of his knees. "Sometimes, things don't go as planned— and while it's scary and it's sad, sometimes it's best. I know it's going to be hard on you two brave girls, but me and your dad just weren't meant to fit forever. Sometimes you meet lessons and daddy was my lesson, and someday I'll know why, but for right now I have a lot of unanswered questions. We both love you two very much, and it's got nothing to do with anyone but daddy and I, okay?" He rubbed their backs, as they listened, maybe they really didn't understand half of what exactly he'd said but it made them quiet and it was the truth. 

"Do you still love daddy?" Vivienne asked, eyes looking up towards his, that was a question he didn't know how to respond honestly. 

"I do, sometimes love isn't enough darling, when your older you'll understand." He figured that was honest, he loved the a version of Harry, not the one in the end of their marriage but the one he'd married. He wasn't sure he'd never not have love for Harry, but at the moment it was so clouded over with hate he couldn't actually love him. It was too complex for him to understand so he wasn't giving that to the twins, to further confuse them. They accepted that answer thankfully, and Louis managed to fix them up a cheese toastie and tinned potatoes, slop meal really. 

It was interesting the feeling Louis had, sitting there a twin on each side as they ate it wasn’t the first night they’d ate just the three of them but it was in that moment he realized this was now how they’d be, and if he chocked back a sob they definitely didn’t know. 

Chapter Text

The day Louis filled officially was nine weeks into the new year, the weather had arguably (for England's sake) warmed up. The rain hadn't stopped in the last three weeks, and everyone was getting a bit stir crazy. It took all of two weeks after Louis filed for the media to get a hold of it, Louis' personal favourite was the ones accusing Louis being shacked up with Liam— he couldn't help anyone's daft accusations but that one had to take the cake. 

One conclusion, that pained Louis was the real narrative, Louis didn't pay mind to the tabloids but when Lottie had forwarded an article with a low grade picture of Harry in a bar last August, with Evan it stung. Everything else he could laugh off, but slowly seeing pap pictures of them together— that was the worst burn. Louis tired to get the pictures dealt with, he'd heard Harry'd done the same, he just hated that one day the girls would see it. Even if that had to hear it once or twice from other peoples, nosy mouths (who asks children about affairs?) it was difficult for pictures to actually exist and it just furthered Louis realizing he made the right decision. 

In the end, Louis decided, with the help of his lawyer and asking every person close to him about custody to do a somewhat half and half. Really he'd just wanted to hurt him by saying he could only have visitations, and it really wasn't fair to use the kids against him. 

Liam came up behind him, sitting on a bench at the girls ballet class, Louis couldn't figure out how they did so well when (Vivienne especially) were the most clumsy children, even is Lola wasn't as gracefully looking. Liam handed Louis a coffee, sitting on the bench besides him. 

"Fancy the pub this weekend? Maya's flying back to Texas, stop with her lot, Harry has the girls next week doesn't he?" Louis had them three weeks out of the month, Harry had a week, if Louis felt generous he sometimes give an extra week. It wasn't exactly court mandated, and as long as the girls were happy sometimes he didn't care as much. Louis knew what Liam meant by going to a pub, it meant get Louis out to try and pull someone. Louis hadn't the faintest idea how 'hook up culture' worked— he'd googled it, it was crazy to him. 

"Could do," he contemplated, even if he desperately was dreading it. He wasn't proper divorced, and really not that it mattered, but he honestly didn't think getting 'dicked down' as Lottie had suggested was exactly going to help his mourning. "Long as you don't try and get me to bed someone." He threw back, it was only early April and he had so much else— like the twins birthday at the end of the month, to think about, and really they'd only been officially separated since January. He wasn't that desperate to go out and fuck around at thirty-seven, and he's was really only in month one of his divorce saga, he reckoned anyone at a pub wasn't willing to listen to Louis' extremely sad life story. 

"Wouldn't do no harm if you did," Liam replied back, tilting his head and a shrug and really it wouldn't, but Louis didn't want to and if he felt like it he would go out get pissed and shag a bloke, he just didn't want to right now. Louis just shook his head, because it was still weird, he wanted to scold Liam because momentarily he'd forget the whole divorce fiasco maybe one day he'd get over the hump. He just really hadn't at this point. 

Louis turned his gaze back to the girls, Vivienne doing exactly as instructed, Lola trying but failing and getting extremely annoyed when she kept falling. 

"Reckon the teacher has the patience of a saint." Louis, joked, as Lola threw her head back when she stumbled again Louis could practically hear the groan behind the glass. Liam snorted looking at his own daughter who was right behind Vivienne turning her head towards Lola, who stomped her foot and was stomping away. Lola had her arms crossed over her chest, pouted lip, and annoyed expression painted on her face. She pushed through the door, plopping her self down besides Louis. 

"This is proper stupid, look Vivienne and Heather look like clowns." She huffed, Liam snorted, and Louis bit back a laugh. 

"Ballet isn't for everyone, s'alright if your a bit clumsy on your feet. We'll find something else you can do." She glared, huffing, crossing her arms again. 

"Ballet is for clowns," she spat, glaring at her sister and Heather, annoyingly groaning. Louis rubbed her back as she swatted his hand away, hell have no fury like an angry Lola. Her temper was always something to be marvelled over, even if it was the biggest pain in Louis' ass. 

"Don't be spiteful," he scolded, as she scooted over to the edge of the bench, still pouting furiously. "I'm actually scared of her sometimes, is that normal?" Liam laughed, shaking his head. Lola was natured so much like Louis, it was uncanny, Liam always made sure to let him know her attitude was a subject of his asshole attitude he'd had as a teenager. 

"Wouldn't be a proper Tommo, if she was timid now would she?" Louis rolled his eyes, looking back at Vivienne who had a smile on her face as she twirled, little skirt floating as she did. 

"Can I have a five quid?" Lola came over, pleading eyes, as Louis fished a five pound note out of his jacket handing it to her as she smiled widely. He watched as she bought a bag of crisps and a tango blast, shaking his head at least it was only early and it might tire her out. 

"How's it going to go for the twins birthday?" Liam asked lowly, as Lola took her seat back at the edge of the bench swinging her feet and slouching her shoulders. 

"I haven't spoke to Harry in a bit, like maybes a month really, I did get Gemma to mention it to him. Have to be civil like," they were in a weird lull, when it came to picking up or dropping off the girls it was a simple text, other than that— they really had no contact. Last time they actually spoke, was when Louis had called to ask about what to do with the house, they'd both bought it Louis didn't care about selling it and splitting whatever it would sell for, but the mess of moving was daunting. Harry hadn't cared, told Louis to keep it, he was already half moved into a flat in Primrose, and that was the last they'd spoken. "Trying to get adjusted to the ropes of co-parenting, bit tough but better for the girls if I can at least be civil." It came easy now to talk about, first month was rough, Louis couldn't even talk about it without getting ridiculously snappy, now he felt slight peace. Even if it was hard at times, and he cried— a lot, but he was getting better. 

"Be weird won't it?" Liam asked again, Liam had the worst case of putting his foot in his mouth, he realized how skittish he'd came off and closed his mouth. 

"Yeah, thanks." Louis muttered, under his breath with a sigh. "S'all weird, think next month will be the hardest." Liam bit his lip, May 23rd was supposed to be their eighth anniversary, last year they'd booked away for a week to St. Tropez. This year Louis had made arrangements for Lottie to have the girls, while he got pissed on his back and could go home and cry in peace. And yeah maybe it wasn't healthy, but he would cope. 

"Shit, right— well don't think about it, s'just a day like." Louis sighed as Vivienne came running out with Heather, and yeah it was just a day May 23rd was like any other day in his life anymore but it still hurt. 

"Lola, did you see our spins!" Heather asked excitedly, Louis watched Lola give a displeased look, sucking on her slushy greatly annoyed. 

"You did marvellous my little ballerina," Liam said to his daughter, who really was the spitting image of him, who smiled wrapping her arms around him.

"Papa, did you video it to send to daddy like you said?"  Vivienne asked, as he picked up their bags standing up, and shit— he hadn't, he bit his lip as Vivienne's face dropped a bit. "Oh." She said, Lola giving Louis a look. 

"Not to worry, your dads bringing you next week. He'll be super surprised when he can see how good you can dance." She shrugged, taking that a bit better as Lola threw her trash out and Liam collected all of Heather's things. 

"Dad," Heather asked as they walked threw the car park to where Liam had parked, Liam turned his attention to her as Louis held tight onto the girls hands. "Can Lola and Vivvy stay over tonight, please, please, please!" Seemingly, they'd gotten over bullying Heather and actually made a friend out of her, Louis was pleased because the dramatics of the three was beyond anything he'd seen. Liam gave Louis a look who shrugged nodding. 

"Sure, darling, we'll drop Lou off then pick up some tea. Mam's off doing shopping." The three girls squeaked excitedly. 

"Have fun with that," louis joked as he helped the girls into Liam's car, and they chatted about how much fun they would have and how they could dress Georgie up. "Honey, George is a baby— not a baby doll, remember that." Louis said, as he got into the car, Vivienne rolling her eyes. Louis and Liam payed more attention to the silly conversations the girls were having, while they drove, and when they pulled up to Louis' house Louis narrowed his eyes at the person sitting on the house steps. 

"Uh—"

"Fuck sakes," Louis mumbled looking back at the girls who weren't paying attention. "Reverse back, so they don't see the fucking minge." He whsipsered, Liam giving a questioning look, but obeying. "Right my lovelies, I'll pop by in a bit with your things, alright?" They both nodded, but turned back to heather who was in between them showing them something on her iPad. "I'll ring if anything's up." He sighed opening the door, to get out. 

"You sure—"

"Yeah, I'll ring." He promised finally shutting the door and sticking his hands in his pockets walking towards the front door, Harry's head popping up. "What the fuck are you doing here?" Louis questioned as Harry stood up, wavering on his feet and Louis groaned figures the devil himself would be drunk. 

"Wanna talk," he breathed, Louis gave a blank look, shaking his head. 

"Are you drunk?" He took Harry's silence and the absolute smell of whiskey as an answer. "Right then," he said looking around with a sigh, no car in sight. "Should I fetch a driver?" Harry's eyes were wet, and really why the fuck was he sitting on the doorstep when he had a key was beyond Louis. 

"Please just ten minutes— I just— I want to talk." Louis looked bored, and annoyed, he sighed and because apparently he was a good person despite what he wanted to do he unlocked the door and motioned Harry to come in. Louis threw the keys on the table and kicked his shoes off as Harry followed suit, trailing behind him as he walked into the living room— not sitting down. "Where are the girls?" Louis closed his eyes as Harry sat, pitching the bridge of his nose. 

"With Liam, why are you here?" He asked, waiting for Harry to get to the point and frankly this wasn't how he wanted to spend tonight. 

"I'm absolutely miserable," Harry said, choking, Louis pulled out a pen vape (he wasn't exactly proud but it was better then the smell of cigarettes and he needed some kind of stress relief.) sucking it back, blowing a breath exasperatedly. "I— I can't live with myself, and I don't know what to do." Louis raised an eyebrow, sighing and because at one point he was madly, madly in love with Harry he apparently had some compassion whether he felt he should or not. 

"Wouldn't be a cause of your own that did it now would it?" Louis questioned throwing himself onto the chair, rubbing a hand on his face as Harry's eyes never left the floor. Harry wiped his nose snuffling, looking up, his eyes red and swollen. 

"I— I know, and I just— tell me what to do Louis I'm at the end of my fucking rope, I can't live without you." If this was a perfect world (which it wasn't) Louis would have relished in the idea of Harry not wanting to live without him, now he just didn't understand the reasoning of having an affair only to realize he wanted what he had and no longer could have. There wasn't a doubt in Louis' mind Harry was unwell, mentally, but he wasn't the one anymore to deal with it. Father of his children or not, he just couldn't. 

"Harry there's— there's nothing, okay? We've got a pending divorce and I'm mighty sorry that you fucked around and now feel hurt by your own actions but maybe you should have fucking realized it was going to come to this. I'm not simple, I can't act like that was fine, and I can't condone you being a slag." Louis was sick of being the strong one, really, everyone else was crumbling around him (and maybe he was like emotionally numb or whatever) but he the one who had the most shit in his mind to work through was the only one that was putting a good facade out. 

"I'm drowning over here," he whined, Louis wanted to scream, even in a divorce Harry found a way to be a victim. "I'll do anything— Louis, please." Louis bit his tongue so hard he could taste blood, it was painful wether it annoyed him or not he couldn't help but be worried. 

"Why are you drunk at half four in the day?" Louis did tend to worry sometimes, even if it came off as a poor him attitude he was the one drunk at half four crawling with demons— not Louis. It raised a hair of concern for his girls though, and he didn't want to think of that. 

"You know what the fucked up part of this all is?" He asked, ignoring Louis' question, and not expecting a reply from Louis who just listened. "I fucked everyone over— just like my dad did," he licked his lip shaking his head. "My dad did the same fucking thing to my mum and I hated him for it, I wasn't much older then the twins. I can see it in their eyes, there going to hate me and I bloody well deserve it." Louis understood daddy issues, he was sure he was the blue print for it, but Harry was crawling with it too. Harry tried with his dad, on the take me home tour he had Des with them on tour through the American leg, Louis wasn't really sure why it ended up badly— he'd assumed it was to do with him being gay but he wasn't really sure. There had been a comment Louis overheard, Harry never said, and Louis never pried. 

"Harry I don't know what you expect me to say? I'm sorry you turned out like your dad? Or I'm sorry that you didn't think or maybe you did I'm honestly unaware and really at this point don't actually care, I'm well past even acknowledging it at this point. I got some great low grade photos of you and your whore, maybe that was my closure." The thing was Harry was sitting in a big flat alone, for the first time ever, he'd never lived properly alone. Then he thought of Louis, who could find someone who wouldn't take him for granted and Harry would be sitting idly and absolutely miserable. It was like he was reliving his dads life, and it was fucking killing him. 

"I don't want you happy with someone else," he admitted, Louis shot a look shaking his head. 

"Isn't that what I fucking deserve? Let me lay this straight to you Harry, I've got fucking issues from my dad who I don't even fucking know and I don't carry his last name because he was a fucking cunt. So yeah I get it, but you figured best way to solve your issues was to be like your dad, I've tried as hard as I fucking can to be there because I don't have a real dad. It's nice you don't want me happy, I'm really fuckin' pleased about that. I'm not dating, and I honestly don't have plans to, but I am hopeful that after all the fucking shit different men in my life have put me though that I get someone who actually cares." Harry deadpanned, and Louis was fuming. He had no right, coming in here and saying everything he'd been saying, no right. 

"And I'm sorry— I want you and only you, no— Louis!" Louis stood up, pacing, why now when he was finally feeling a bit more confident in his decision. 

“You don’t get to come here and do this,” he snapped, turning to him. “You absolutely broken my trust, my mind and my heart— you know the sad fuckin’ thing I feel like I don’t care, I’m so numb over it all it’s almost like it’s not happening. You could have came to me the first fucking time it happened, and maybe explained it and I would have been devastated but not like this. You didn’t care then, so why should I care now?” His voice was low, and angry because maybe some part of him did pity him a bit but it was very well over taken by the betrayal he’d felt and then he didn’t feel anything towards him. He watched Harry, look down at the ground, fiddling with a ring on his finger. 

“I want to do better,” he said quietly, brokenly, and Louis shook his head. 

“Be there for the girls then, and get your shit together. There’s nothing between us anymore, okay. What’s done is done— and I just, I can’t. Please respect that, that’s all I ask, you can’t come over drunk and lonely and do this. Go find someone else, you didn’t have an issue when we were married you shouldn’t have one now.” Louis swallowed, he didn’t want to have this same repetitive conversation. What was done was done, he filed for divorce, he wanted to close this chapter and not open it back up and he wanted Harry to do the same. 

Chapter Text

SEVEN YEARS LATER...

Living as a divorcee was an interesting concept, and having two fourteen year olds was definitely the most weird concept to grasp. Louis was finishing up setting the backyard up, the girls had insisted on a big birthday party this year, and he wasn't one to say no to them. 

"Lola!" He called walking back into the house, Lola popping her head around the corner smacking gum and typing rapidly on her phone. Fourteen year olds were definitely not the same as when he was fourteen but that was thirty-two year ago and he guess things would change dramatically in thirty odd years. 

"Yeah?" She asked, letting her hair out of a hair tie, Louis motioning his head towards the back door as she sighed putting her phone down and following Louis. Vivienne was already outside helping, she was a small bit (more like extremely but Louis didn't like thinking ether of them had a single flaw) of a control freak. 

"Oh my god Lola, what the— don't wear my dress!" She exasperated on the ground fixing a ballon arch, Louis watched as Louis pursed he'd lips popping a strawberry in her lips, sticking her tongue out. 

"Do you not have the same one?" Louis asked, he was sure they did, she narrowed her eyes standing up, and really maybe it was his fault. Vivienne had four inches on Lola and he knew teenaged boys, he wasn't half soaked. So he'd put the dress into Lola's closet, like most of the things that sat a little too short on Vivienne they always mysteriously ended up in Lola's closet. 

"Dad got me that," she mumbled shaking her head sighing. "When's dad coming?" She asked, checking her phone that was sitting on the table, eyes narrowed. "Is Dean coming?" Louis tensed a bit, dating was weird, and it was weird for his daughter to ask if their father was coming followed by if his new boyfriend was coming. It was new, like really new and Louis hadn't meant for the girls to find out but you couldn't keep anything from them. 

"Deans not— your dad should be here soon, don't mention Dean around I told you, it's not like serious." Lola snorted, giving her sister a look, Vivienne rolled her eyes. The girls had found out accidentally, Louis had been dating, to which the girls had told him to 'get it' which was beyond weird to him, still thinking of them as innocent children and not realizing they knew what sex meant— he didn't want to think about that. None the less Dean and him had been seeing each other to some extent for the better part of six months, and the girls may or may not have caught them when Dean dropped Louis off after a few too many glasses of Chardonnay. 

It wasn't like he'd sat idly, he had dated— sort of, nothing ever amounted a boyfriend and this was really new for Louis. 

"Dads boyfriend was a dick," Harry's newly acquainted ex, Vivienne who had an eye for reading people had hated him since they'd been introduced. He never did any harm and really they'd met Louis didn't get what it was, he'd assumed it was a thing of her dad actually having a boyfriend and really not being with her other dad anymore. There had been a time that it would have stung and really maybe it did a little bit still, despite the mess they'd been in seven years ago they somehow managed to keep some kind of civil relationship. Plus Louis was dating, and he had a boyfriend and despite everything that happened and through the once bitter six months leading up to the divorce, he had Harry had a good coparenting relationship. 

"Spencer wasn't half bad," Louis said fixing the display of sweets, Lola and Vivienne give each other a look. 

"First off his name was Spencer, he like dead ass said to like think of him as our brother— I dunno what kinda incest bullshit he was into but it was proper gross." Louis shook his head, Spencer was American and no matter how much time

Louis spent in America he never understood American's since of humour, he had tried to explain it but they just figured he was weird. 

"I've told you two to watch your mouth, go up and get ready." If he was honest, he didn't pass comments, and he didn't care anymore. A few years ago he would have, now, it wasn't a thing he obsessed over. The two girls looked at their phones realizing how much time they didn't have to get done, and hurried into the house and up to their rooms. 

Louis went back in, at the sound of the door opening it to Harry. 

"Hey," Louis smiled, nodding him in, Harry followed. Things were tense for a year or two following their divorce, Louis was glad things were easier now because they really hadn't been and it was maybe because the girls were older now. Often they asked why, Louis never knew what to say because it still hurt at the end of the day how despite how completely over it he was now. "Girls getting ready?" He asked putting two boxes on the island countertop, Louis nodded pulling out drinks for them both. 

"Just like a reference, when buying clothes for the girls keep in mind Vivienne is as dangly as they come and skirts and dresses are a tad short on her." Lola was the shorter twin, and shorter fused. Vivienne had a calmer presence and if he could get through the next couple years, without nearly having a heart attack over ether of them he'd be ecstatic. Raising teens was difficult, maybe it was raising teen girls and highly remembering being a teenager himself that was the difficult part. He'd kill one of them if they ever came to him at sixteen asking to move in with a 'friend', even if he and Harry moved in together very young. 

"Vivienne is also highly unaware of herself, Lola however—" Lola would be the death of them, anything they had ever done was coming back on them with Lola. "I think she's aware and very— well you know what boys are at that age and like, she my daughter but she's a bit y'know, inclined to enjoy that kind of attention." Louis knew what he meant, Lola had became a woman way too quickly, and often like to make sure she was on display. Really it wasn't her fault, but it made louis frantic ether way, even if Lola had told him it wasn't very feminist to think that way. He really was trying to realize girls could dress however, it was slimy teenaged boys that needed to be taught to not sexualize girls, but he also wanted to make sure they weren't sexualizing themselves.

It still seven years later was a weird parallel, the odd chance they were in the same room (was for the sake of their kids) not that after the series of events that transpired Louis wanted it to be any different. He just really wished it could have been, seven years later and he still wished they weren't here, and he wasn't dating at forty-four but here he was and he had to make the best of it he assumed. 

"I made a ballon arch," Louis said, clearing his head and changing the subject, Harry's eyebrow raised as he leaned over to look through the back door amused. 

"You made that?" He questioned, walking over to the sliding glass door taking a better look, and yeah maybe Louis did like praise and he somehow became crafty even if he hated it with a passion. He blamed single fatherhood if he was honest. 

"All on me own." He mused, Harry smiled biting his lip, opening his mouth to speak but their girls made an appearance. 

"Hello my babies, fourteen Jesus— how did this happen?" Louis watched as the girls turned beet red pushing Harry off them, Louis could remember very vividly bring a tiny 4.6 pound Vivienne and a 5.2 pound Lola and being scared shitless. He'd been around babies, but now he had his own two to raise and make sure they grow and don't die. When everyone had told him don't blink— it was true because now here he was fourteen years later looking at two basically grown girls, it made his chest tighten. "Lola baby, not sure this is a top love." Harry said, as she rolled her eyes, lifting the top of it up more raising her eyebrows. 

"Better?" She asked, annoyed as Vivienne snorted, sitting on the island counter.  "Mint arch, dad." She changed the subject, still smacking her gum. 

"Spit the chewing gum out if your going to smack," Louis groaned, Lola huffed spitting it into the bin. "Viv  was such an amazing help, sat and watched and didn't move a muscle." This made Louis miss being a family, the small bit of proper family time they had once or twice a year. He blamed it on the girls birthday for being this nostalgic, but really he'd been this way for a bit now. Louis missed the days where they had to call him papa and Harry daddy, because they both lived at home and they wanted to distinguish between the two, now they were both dad and that hurt a bit. 

"Oh by the way, while we're all here," Vivienne started out looking at Lola who nodded her along, Louis blinked thinking the worst. "Bunch of the girls in our years taking a trip to Edinburgh— wait no, there's going to be a chaperone, dad!" Harry shook his head before she'd even finished, Louis liked to think he was a bit more strict because he wasn't with them as much, truth was Harry just really worried on them and Louis figured they were more level headed then they were. 

"Absolutely not, your fourteen." 

"You and dad lived together when you were sixteen!" Lola challenged, Louis shrugged as Harry looked to him, really he wouldn't approve of if it was them but he also couldn't deny the way they did things. 

"That's different Lola, what does this have anything to do with your father an I? We weren't taking group trips to Edinburgh, at fourteen to get raped and murdered in a ditch— no." Vivienne shook her head and rolled her eyes, crossing her arms. She usually stayed quite in disagreements anyone was having, Lola's mouth dropped, opening her mouth before Vivienne cut it. 

"The amount of sexism in this house, is astronomical." She counteracted, Lola must have figured that was good enough because she stayed quite as Vivienne hopped off the countertop and onto her feet. "It's not like the early 2000's anymore, no one kills you and puts you in a ditch. That's embarrassing." Louis narrowed his eyes, he could try and understand teenagers today but it was easier to not if he was honest, things had changed too much and the scared him just a bit. 

"S'not sexist, if we had a son we'd say the same." It probably was true, Harry liked to use 'boys go looking for trouble and trouble finds girls' in most arguments, even if they were trying to raise them to be strong and independent it still was true. Although, Louis had to turn to his sisters a lot, because maybe he really wasn't the best at raising two girls sometimes. "Your not going, don't ask again." Came lastly, both girls stomping the throwing their heads back and really that alone showed they shouldn't go book in for a weekend. 

They did live a sheltered enough life, Louis hated the fact that tabloids would love to say something about them, it wasn't like the weren't allowed out— but Louis made sure to not have them in situations that could end badly. 

"Your literally the worst," Lola whined crossing her arms and walking back up stairs, Vivienne just sat down on the couch annoyed. Pouted lip snd crossed arm, Louis looked up towards the stairs sighing. 

"Going to go have a chat with Lo'." He said, Harry nodding as he took the seat besides Vivienne, pulling her closer to him she sighed. 

"S'not fair y'know, all the girls are going and their all fourteen." Harry rubbed her arm, really they probably would be fine but he and Louis did tend to baby them. 

"The other girls don't have ex boyband dads, look, Vivienne I know it's hard darling but there's bad people out there— I don't want you hurt, okay?" She uncrossed her arms, wrapping her long arms around his waist. 

"Can I ask something?" She questioned, head burrowed into his chest he nodded. "Would you be sad if dad had a boyfriend?" Harry narrowed his eyes, and furrowed his eyebrows as her head popped up looking at him now. 

"I— no?" She looked into her lap and sighed a bit, Harry wasn't sure what this was about. "Would you be sad?" She leaned back into the couch, picking the skin around her finger nail, shrugging. 

"Well he does, and he wouldn't even tell us about it and he didn't want you to know. I just don't get it, y'know like I like understand that like y'know people get divorced and what not but like— I Dunno I remember I just woke up one day and you weren't around?" The girls really didn't ask, it was one of those things that managed to stay not talked about for a long time. Harry had figured Louis had said something to them, but apparently not. Harry bit his lip, as she looked at him. 

"Your dad isn't doing it go keep secrets, he just— he always had a rule of ether if us dated we wouldn't say unless it was serious enough. I'm sorry the way things worked out darling, it wasn't fair on you two, I wish it hadn't." Sometimes it was hard to look at the girls, because often he seen them still with little plaits and princess nighties. Like right now, Vivienne seemed so young and childlike but so grown up— it was a interesting thing. 

"Do you love him?" She whispered, Harry dropped his head, sighing a bit nodding. She opened her mouth to speak, Harry shook his head. 

"No amount of love, and no amount of time changes the past, and I'll forever be sorry over my actions." Really seven years later, he should be over it, but he still wasn't. 

***

Never did Harry and Louis run in the same social circle anymore, so when somehow they ended up in the same restaurant on their anniversary it kind of make Louis' skin burn. He poured another glass of red, not meeting Harry's eyes from across the table, he agreed to coparenting— not having dinner on what would have been their fifteenth wedding anniversary. 

The thing was they both knew, and maybe everyone forgot, (because why was Louis still obsessing over a date this long after his divorce?) but it still felt wrong. Louis leaned over to Liam saying he'd be back he just needed the loo quick. Liam was so absorbed into whatever conversation was being had he just nodded and turned back to the table, Louis sighed standing up and walking quickly to compose himself. 

Louis wasn't sure how to mentally train himself to be okay with today, because every year it came around it still stung and he didn't understand why. 

Especially this year, he had a boyfriend he shouldn't still think of Harry an their marriage and why it fell apart. He took a deep breath as the door opened and he wasn't really expecting to meet green eyes, but here was his luck apparently. There was a pregnant pause, Louis watched Harry swallow biting his lip. 

"You— you alright?" He asked, Louis let out a shaky breath, shaking his head. 

"To be honest, no?" He bit his lip, crossing his arms looking to the ground. "Fifteen fucking years," he breathed not meeting Harry's gaze, he really couldn't believe it's been this long, and he really couldn't believe all the shit that has happened in the course of fifteen years. 

" I know," Harry breathed, Louis looking up as he looked disappointedly at the ground. "Feels weird, don't it?" He questioned aloud, Louis hating it. He spent so long trying to not hate Harry over it, with the girls being older now it was harder he really didn't have to keep it together as much now. Now it was suffocating, being in a tiny bathroom, with his ex husband who completely fucked him over inside and out. 

"I still hate you for it," he mumbled, they didn't talk about it— they just didn't. Whenever they were together the divorce, the affair, their marriage it was all swept away. Tonight was hard, Dean was off up North visiting family and figures Louis had a business dinner and his ex had to be there. "It's been fucking years and I still— Christ, it's silly innit? Like a proper child getting fussed over something that happened close to a decade ago." He shook his head pushing his hair back, Harry's eyes steadily on him filled with regret. 

"No, not— it's not silly. Vivienne mentioned something on her birthday, and I've been a bit off over it since." Maybe it made Louis feel a tad bit better that Harry too felt like shit leading up to today, even if he couldn't really feel bad for him because it was his fault they were in this mess. "She said you were dating?" He questioned, Louis huffed nodding. It wasn't exactly his first boyfriend post divorce, but it was the only one he'd allowed to last this long. 

"Dean Landers, he works in film production." Dean was kind, and patient with Louis, and the only one who kept pursuing him even after he'd told him to fuck off and never ring again. He was divorced too, he got married young and just realized they didn't fit, so he understood being so apprehensive to date someone and maybe that's what Louis liked the most. "I told them not to say, it's— like nowt serious, but erm, yeah been seeing each other since last year I guess." Louis felt the need to explain himself to Harry, like he was doing something wrong, he guessed even after being separated for years now it still felt like he owed him something. Even if he really, really didn't. Louis didn't exactly appreciate the jealousy pass through Harry's eyes, it was a bit selfish if you asked him, but in some way he liked it because he still felt the same way Louis did— to an extent. Louis had been pissed about Spencer and he was pleased when the girls hated him so much, even if he didn't say it, and really it wasn't like he wasn't dating or having sex or whatever but it just hurt. 

"I wish things were different," Harry coughed out, and yeah so did Louis but here he was at forty-four having a bloody mental breakdown about his ex being in the room with him on what would have been their anniversary. "I think as the girls get older, it gets worst on me. Feel bad for Spenc, but I didn't love him, y'know he wanted to move in and all this shite and I just— I couldn't." This was way too heavy for Louis right now, the way he felt he was about to do something he'd regret. So he swallowed and mentally planned out leaving the room. 

"You'll find someone— I should, erm—"

"Lou, nether of us have exactly moved on like," Harry cut him off, and Louis wanted to curl up and die because it was true how after seven years were they still in limbo? "I know what I did was fucked up, and believe me I pay for it. I regret it ridiculously, because I realized the one person I actually lo—"

"Nope," Louis cut him off waving his hand walking past him. "Don't, okay? Just— I'm not nearly drunk enough to hear this and, I don't think it matters now. Let's just pretend we never got married, alright?" Harry nodded stiffly, and Louis really hated himself because in this moment he would latch back on to Harry and he couldn't. It wasn't healthy for them, and he wasn't going to be one of them people who just got back together with their ex after years— he just wouldn't. Louis left, leaving Harry alone waiting to spin back in and really tell him how he felt but he wouldn't because it wasn't right and he had a boyfriend now, he was just low tonight that's all. 

Dinner went by painfully slow, Liam nudged him at one point telling him to slow down because he was sure he'd drank a bottle and a half of wine by the point and his cheeks were hot. Louis was never so happy when they'd gotten the bill and stood up to leave, and maybe his judgment was a bit clouded when he'd agreed to get a car back with Harry. 

"You know what fuckin' sucks?" Louis asked, as they pulled out of the car park, Harry's eyes on his as he spoke and Louis wished he could shut up. "Years fuckin' later and I'm still like hung up over it, y'know and it's like I— Christ I'm not doing this tonight." He mumbled the last bit out lowly, closing his eyes and pitching the bridge of his nose. "Do you remember how pissed we got fifteen year ago?" God could he shut up, he thought to him self, Harry snorted nodding. They really had, and marriage was silly Louis thought, they'd been together absolute years and lived together why some sodding big party— that's what it ended up being, made them feel so much more important was beyond him. Even now, he didn't exactly see the sense in getting remarried, marriage wasn't like special it was a title and maybe he was just sour about how his ended but he didn't think anything of marriage. 

"Don't even half remember getting back to the hotel that night," Harry laughed, Louis didn't ether and it was idol because they'd slept together so many times prior and it made him feel like a tit thinking it was something special to have sex with a wedding band on. "Almost missed the flight the next morning." They did, mainly because they'd woke up extremely hungover and decided sex would be the best fix and didn't realize the time and scrambled out the hotel, Louis was pretty sure they'd forgot a suitcase but he couldn't remember exactly. 

"We were so good back then," Louis actually outwardly cringed, because he had not fucking filter tonight and he really needed to stop— he had a boyfriend. "I shouldn't— s'in the past now like." He finished bitterly, not liking it, because really when they'd gotten married he couldn't see fifteen years down the line being divorced and Harry having an affair. 

"S'all fucked up, innit?" Harry questioned, shoulders falling forward, face faltering and really Louis could relate. "Wish I could go back, never had a regret so big." Louis hated hearing that because it meant that Harry still cared, and he liked thinking that, nether of them quite gave a shit anymore. Louis bit on his thumbnail, before taking the same hand and running it through his hair. 

"Suppose we could go back to mine," could he shut up and stop, his mind screamed. "I've got wine." He watched Harry's eyes light up and it made him feel like shit, because he shouldn't ask Harry 'round to their old house while the girls were at Harry's flat but he did because he apparently loved to make his life hell. 

"I— if your sure?" Louis knew what that meant, it meant for Louis to say no, I was just being nice, but he didn't he just nodded as the diver pulled into the driveway. They were adults anyways and they'd always been friends, what was the harm, right? At least that's what he was telling himself. 

Harry followed Louis in, as Louis poured two glasses, filling them with regret he should stop drinking and he should tell Harry to go home, but he wasn't.

Louis wasn't sure how one thing lead to the next but suddenly he was too drunk, and too stupid he couldn't physically stop himself. He leaned forward kissing him, almost throwing himself back breathlessly and panicked. 

"Fuck— I should not, sorry I think— I think you should go." What was his life was he actually this simple? He had a boyfriend and he'd just kissed his ex husband, Harry's eyes were wide and lips between his teeth he nodded.

"Erm— yeah, the girls y'know," he breathed thump pointing towards the door, Louis' heart hammering in his chest. "I'm gonna go." Louis nodded as Harry stood up, Louis breathed heavy watching his hand turn the door knob he should sit still, but he didn't. 

"One and done?" He questioned Harry's head snapping back towards the living room, Harry should tell him to fuck off but he didn't, he came walking back over and grabbed his face in his hands kissing him. To hell with it Louis thought, maybe one day he could get over it but today wasn't the day.