Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“Isak! Baby, we’re vlogging today!” Eskild’s voice screaming through their house pierces through Isak’s silence. For once, he would like a full day to himself to be able to focus. “We need our cameraman!” He sing-songs, right before bursting into his room with a camera and Noora following behind him.

“Eskild, I’m busy.” He groaned, feeling so insecure with Eskild’s camera and potential seven million viewers watching him in his bed. He’s currently shirtless, in sweatpants, surrounded by food wrappers and textbooks.

“I know you are you sweet genius, but you look like a mess and you need a break. Come along with us, we’re going to a haunted hotel with the squad!” Eskild cheers.

“I’m in med school, I don’t get a break.” Because of the whole YouTube Creator craze, Isak got to move with Eskild and Noora to San Francisco. He ended up applying to UC San Francisco to pursue becoming a doctor and he also gets to mooch off of the YouTube lifestyle without even being a YouTuber. Although he’ll die on the hill that YouTuber’s are stupid, it is a pretty nice lifestyle.

“Come on, Isak! My followers love you when you come along, you have to come!” Eskild whines.

“They do! You’re so funny!” Noora tries. Isak squints his eyes at her.

“What are you guys up to? You never try this hard.” Isak says, suspiciously.  Eskild and Noora look to each other, Eskild moving the camera with him.

“You are a genius.” Eskild mumbles. “Okay, fine! We’re making this with someone who reealllyyy wants to meet you.”

“Eskild!”

“I promise it’ll be fun! Plus, more people comment on the videos with you in them,” Eskild tells him, turning off the camera to sit next to Isak on his bed. He puts an arm around him lovingly. “Isak, you really need to get out more, and this will be fun. This guy is really nice and sweet and he wants to meet you, isn’t that cool?”

“Who is this guy?” Isak groaned. Eskild was always featuring huge YouTubers in his videos and they often found Isak cute and funny. It was a bit annoying though when they all encouraged him to make a channel, like, not every person on Earth needs a YouTube channel. Isak wants a real career.

“You may know him…” Eskild gives him a sly smile, making Isak scowl at him.

“What have you done?” Isak deadpans.

“It’s Even Bech Na – “

“What have you done?!” Isak shouts, jumping up from his bed to stand in front of Eskild.

“Isak, I’m helping you out!”

“No, no you’re not!” He shouted back. “You know I’ll just embarrass myself!”

“Baby, I promise he really wants to meet you.”

“You’re just doing this for the fucking vlog! So is he! He’s way too hot and cool and amazing to want to meet me!” Isak gestures around his disgusting surroundings to emphasize his point. Eskild just smiles at him in this sweet way that makes Isak want to throw the dirty clothes on the ground at his dumb face.

“I think he’ll love you.”

“Don’t say that, Eskild. He’ll meet me and realize I’m a fucking mess.” Isak argues, scoffing loudly. Noora just rolls her eyes.

“He’s seen every video of ours, he probably already knows you’re a mess.” Noora points out, making Eskild nod. Isak runs his hands through his wild curls.

“Uggghhhh, I hate YouTubers!” Isak shouts, but to no avail.

~~~

An hour later, he’s showered and wearing his favorite outfit; tight black skinny jeans, a shirt that says Gay Agenda with a schedule design on it, where every day it says he’s going to be gay (honestly, he only wears it because it’s amazing how many compliments he gets in San Francisco with it on), and a backward snapback with a sports team on it that he doesn’t even like. He’s got Eskild’s camera in his hands, currently filming him and Noora explaining the hauntings of this particular hotel he hasn’t bothered to remember.

Isak is stuck worrying about Even. He’s going to be here any minute, straight from the airport where he came from LA. He doesn’t know how he’s going to act though. So far, his plan is to not speak and just stay as the camera operator because he couldn’t imagine having a real conversation with Even. He’s been following Even’s channel since he was sixteen and Even was making dumb short films with friends from high school where the main actors were mostly Barbie’s and a Captain America doll. Now Even is making all kinds of content, but he still makes short films. Though now his short films have a larger budget and actual sets with real actors. Isak loves everything Even does and on top of that, he’s so fucking gorgeous. All of his friends knew how big of a crush Isak had on Even because for the last four years he’s mentioned him as his internet crush. It’s kind of like how people talk to their friends about Emma Watson or Brad Pitt and how hot they are because you figure you’ll never meet them, or even be near them. And now Eskild has brought this boy to their house. This boy, that has been Isak’s dream boyfriend since he realized he was gay, is going to be right in front of Isak.

Isak doesn’t know what he’s going to do with himself.

Their front door bursts open and for a horrifying moment, Isak thinks Even is going to be walking in, so he straightens up and fixes his hair –

“Hey guys!” Eva shouts, followed by her girlfriend Vilde. Whew. Isak relaxed visibly, making Noora laugh a bit.

“Isak, how are you this nervous? He probably likes you too.” Noora assures. Both girls look at him and smile brightly.

“Are we talking about Eveeeen?” Eva sing-songs, smiling at him in a way that feels teasing. Isak groans.

“Shut up, Eva,” Isak huffs, making them all giggle.

“You know, Even thinks you’re really cute and funny. He said you should start your own channel.” Vilde tells him and suddenly that comment he hears so very often doesn’t sound so obnoxious.

“When did he say that?” Isak questions, still not believing that Even would be interested in him at all.

“I was texting him last night about the hotel and he kept asking about you, he’s really excited that you’re coming with us.” Vilde smiled, like this wasn’t making Isak’s heart beat so fast he felt like he was going to have a heart attack. “You are coming, right? I think he’d be really sad if you didn’t.” Isak actually felt his heart melt, what the fuck. What is this feeling?

“Oh, I… Yeah, I think I’m coming along.” Isak stutters. Eskild smiles brightly.

“Isak’s definitely coming. We need someone to film us.” Eskild says, winking at him. “And we can’t have Even feeling sad.” He teased.

“Hey, haven’t you had a crush on him since, what? High school?” Eva teased, making everyone giggle.

“Ha ha, very funny.” Isak rolled his eyes. “Don’t fucking tell him that. This is already embarrassing enough, I don’t need him thinking I’m some crazed fan.”

“You were probably one of his first fans though,” Eva says, completely disregarding the last thing Isak said. He rolled his eyes again.

“Aww, Issy, this could be the start of a love story!” Eskild claps, making all of the girls’ squeal.

“Please!” Isak shouts, “Do not mention this to Even, do not embarrass me, and don’t tell him anything! Let me just... be the cameraman.”

They all nodded but Isak couldn’t help but feel like they weren’t going to grant his wishes.

Ten minutes later, Eskild was showing off all of his ghost hunting gear while Noora filmed and Isak opened the cheese-itz they were bringing to the hotel.

“So here we have a recording device for – “

“Isak, stop eating the snacks for tonight!” Noora shouted, panning the camera over to where Isak was shoveling a handful into his mouth.

“I’m hungry!” He shouts back, walking over to stand next to Eskild while he goes through the equipment.  Noora laughed at him.

“Once we get to the hotel we’re going to get food,” Noora says, rolling her eyes at him. He rolled his eyes right back.

“I do what I want.” He grumbled just as Vilde squealed and opened the front door.

“Even’s here!” She yelled, piercing Isak’s ears. All of them cheered collectively as they watched Jonas’ car roll up (the last member of their YouTube squad who went to pick up Even from the airport) but Isak felt like running.

“I’ll be right back.” Isak tried to mumble to Eskild, mouth still half full of cheese-itz.

“Oh no you don’t, you’re not going anywhere,” Eskild said, grabbing Isak’s arm and pulling him close. Isak groans loudly, trying to chew and swallow the crackers in his mouth as fast as he can.

“Please don’t embarrass me.” Isak pleads quietly. Eskild turns to ruffle his hair lovingly.

“Baby, of course not. I really want you guys to get together, for real.” Eskild smiles and Isak feels his stomach fill with butterflies. He’s so lucky to have Eskild, but this was the most nerve-wracking situation he’d ever been in and he’s in med school. Suddenly, Noora was running over and handing Isak the camera.

“Here, Even’s about to come in, film everything,” Noora said, and Isak was glad to have something to do so he wasn’t just staring at Even. As soon as he hit record again Even walked through the front door, followed by Jonas. It was like a dream. He smiled brightly and pulled every girl into a warm hug and then Eskild. Isak watched as they all greeted each other and honestly, he was starting to feel a little breathless. He was standing just a few feet away from probably the most attractive boy he’s ever seen. And oh – oh he’s looking at me. Oh he’s coming closer. Oh no –

“The infamous Isak.” Even said, smiling brightly and Isak looked up to see him right in front of him. He knew he probably looked like an idiot because he could feel how wide his eyes were and how his mouth was open. Suddenly, someone was taking the camera out of his hands.

“Hi.” Isak blurted out. The room was silent as Even smiled at him with a sweet smile Isak’s never seen before and he’s been watching this boy smile for four years. Fuck.

“Hi.” Even said back, in a soft voice that actually made Isak’s knees wobble a little bit.

“You’re Even,” Isak said, stupidly, immediately wanting to cringe at himself.

“Yeah,” Even laughed beautifully, “Do you watch my videos?”

“No.” Isak blurted out, shaking his head. He felt himself tense up, wondering why the fuck he just lied.

“Oh, well it’s nice to finally meet you.” Even says, with the most genuine, soft smile in the world. Fuck. This sucks. He’s even more gorgeous in person. Thankfully Eskild breaks the awkward silence by telling everyone to sit down, with the exception of Isak who had to film, while he explained the hauntings of this hotel. Isak wasn’t too interested in listening, instead, he was focused on avoiding the fact that whenever he panned over to film Even, he was staring at him. Every time. Isak was getting flustered to the point where he just kept the camera on Eskild.

“Okay so now we’re gonna split up into two cars, Jonas you’re driving, right?” Eskild announces so Isak turns off the camera and they all grab their things to head out to the cars. “Noora, Eva, and Vilde you’re coming with me.”

“Wait – “ Isak started, once he realized he would be alone with Even and Jonas. That was not a good combination. Eskild stared at him, waiting for him to continue but he couldn’t do this here. He wasn’t about to make Even think he hates him when it was the complete opposite. He just didn’t want to do something stupid to make him uncomfortable.

“Something wrong, Issy baby?” Eskild asked, and now he had Jonas and Eva looking at him with concerned expressions. He sighed.

“No, it’s chill.” He brushed off, walking out with everyone else and throwing his stuff in Jonas’ trunk. Noora took the camera from Isak and they all split up. As soon as Isak closed the car door and Even crawled into the backseat, Jonas was huffing and looking at him. “What?” Isak snapped. He could feel Even’s gaze on them. Jonas started the car, following Eskild as they drove off. He sighed.

“What’s wrong?” Jonas asked, worried. Isak squirmed, uncomfortably. Jonas had to remember how in love with Even he is, Isak thought that would be an explanation enough.

“Nothing, man.” Isak sighed.

“Bro,” Jonas groaned, “You look like you haven’t slept in days. Have you eaten today?” Isak shrugged.

“I forgot, I’ve been busy.” He mumbled, making Jonas hit him in the chest.

“Isak, do you need to set fucking reminders? How do you forget to eat?” He chastised. Isak huffed.

“I’m working on a research paper, okay. I know you fucking college dropouts wouldn’t understand but it’s hard work.” Isak snapped, and he was a little shocked to hear Even chuckle out a laugh at that. He knew from watching his videos that Even had finished university last spring but he couldn’t let him know he knew that. Fuck, what had he gotten himself into? He felt like such a moron.

“I’m telling Eskild so we can stop for food,” Jonas said.

“No, Jonas, you don’t have to do that.” Isak groaned, reaching to grab Jonas’ phone from him. He snatched it out of his hand but Jonas just looked back to Even.

“Even, text Eskild,” Jonas told him, and Isak turned back to glare at Even.

“Don’t.” He tried but Even was already texting on his phone, holding back a laugh. He looked up to smirk at Isak.

“Done.” Even told Jonas, then he looked back at Isak and gave him a serious look. “Isak, you really shouldn’t overwork yourself. You don’t want to burn out,” Isak’s heart was floating.

“Thank you!” Jonas shouted. “It’s not just me Isak, people are worried about you.” Isak huffed, turning back to cross his arms.

“Eskild said we’re pulling up to the first Denny’s we find.” Even said, making Isak roll his eyes. It was silent in the car for a while before they stopped at Denny’s. “I’m gonna run to the bathroom.” Even told them while they walked in behind Eskild and the girls.

As soon as Even was out of sight, all five of them turned on Isak. “Isak! What are you doing?!” Eva shouted.

“What?” Isak squeaked, but he knew exactly what they were all about to say to him. Eskild slapped him on the side of the head. “Ow! Eskild!”

“Baby Jesus, why did you tell him you don’t watch his videos?” Eskild practically shouted.

“Isak, you love him! Why are you acting like you have no clue who he is?” Eva says, bewildered. Isak spluttered.

“I – I don’t know! I got nervous!” Isak defended but they all rolled their eyes.

“I told you he thinks you’re cute and funny.” Vilde supplied.                           

“Bro, he likes you! He even asked about you on the car ride over here!” Jonas said, making Isak roll his eyes.

“Oh please, have you seen him? He does not like me.” Isak huffed, like it was so obvious. He also chose to ignore the statement about Even asking about him. It made his stomach flutter erratically at the thought that Even wondered about him.

“I’ll find out,” Vilde said, nodding her head determinedly. Isak shook his head frantically.

“No, please, don’t do anything. I just want to get through this without exposing myself. Please.” Isak pleaded.

“Why do you want to keep this a secret?” Jonas asked, “Haven’t you liked him for like – “

“Four years!” Eva squeals. Isak huffs dramatically.

“Yes, okay, but I do not want to be rejected by him. I am not stable enough for that.” Isak tells them, and they all get understanding looks of sympathy on their faces.

“Fine. We won’t meddle.” Eskild says and they enter the restaurant. They get seated in one of those big, half-circle booth things and of course, Isak is left on the outside. He doesn’t think much of it until Even is walking over and sliding up right next to him, pressing his warm body against Isak’s. He looks over to see Eskild smirking behind his menu. That bastard. Isak took in a deep breath to try to calm himself. Everything’s okay. It’s just a boy. It’s just an extremely attractive, kind, funny, perfect boy sitting next to him. And it’s okay that he’s sitting too close because Isak is not in love with him. No, no, no. That is not happening.

“Cute shirt, by the way.” Even mumbled in his ear as he glanced at the menu. Isak felt his cheeks go red at the reminder of his Gay Agenda shirt. He looked over to see Even smiling down at his shirt, and then he looked up, and somehow his smile got brighter.

“Thanks,” Isak mumbled. “You too.” What the fuck? You can’t just say ‘you too’ to a compliment? What was that?!?!?

Even laughed a little, “You think my shirt is cute?” Isak looked down, it was a black shirt that just said “I Know” in yellow lettering. It was obviously a Star Wars reference but Isak had to admit he had not noticed his shirt up until now.

“Yeah. I love Star Wars.” He told him, which was true but didn’t everyone?

“Doesn’t everyone?” Even chuckled, staring at Isak so intently that Isak felt like looking away. Suddenly the waiter was coming over to take orders. Isak couldn’t shake this feeling that Even was somehow scooting closer to him. As they waited for food, Isak kept his hands busy by messing around on his phone while the others made small talk about YouTube and the video they were filming. After Isak had checked his email for the fourth time, Even bumped his shoulder slightly.

“Why don’t you start your own channel?” Even asks in his sweet voice but it still manages to make Isak groan.

“Because I’m cute and funny so that immediately means I need to be a YouTuber?” Isak asks him, sarcastically but instead of backing off like the others do, Even laughs loudly. Isak feels a little shocked, and Even just shrugs.

“Yeah, and I’d like to see you talk about something you love. Hearing someone talk about what they're passionate about is how you can tell if someone is as amazing as they seem.” Even tells him, smiling widely and bumping their shoulders together again. Isak can’t deny that. He loves watching Even’s videos when he’s just talking, either about a film or an album he’s loving. “So, what would you talk about?” Isak shrinks down.

“I don’t know... science or something.” He shrugs, feeling insecure and uncomfortable about how Even definitely (probably) doesn’t think he’s amazing now.

“Is that what you’re studying at uni?” Even asks him, seeming genuinely interested which surprised Isak so much that he actually looks up to see a face that matches his genuine interest.

“Yeah, I’m in med school at UCSF,” He tells him, and Even smiles.

“Oh, I went to UCLA, for filmmaking.” Even says and Isak knows that this is his chance. This is when he’s supposed to say ‘oh I know. I was being dumb before, I actually know everything about you, please love me.’

Instead, he nodded. “Oh cool.”

“But med school, damn.” Even sounded so impressed that it actually made Isak smile a little. “You must be a genius.” He tells him, and Isak blushes. He fucking blushes. What a nerd.

“Not really, I just... like helping people.” He brushes it off and Even’s bright smile makes it hard to look right at him, he was blindingly gorgeous.

“That’s so great, Isak.” Even tells him, and hearing him say his name makes Isak want to combust. Or kiss him senseless, either one works.

“It’s not a big deal.” He shrugs, “It is nice sometimes, being in the videos and stuff. It’s fun.” Even nods.

“And you really are cute and funny.” Even says, with an obnoxiously pretty grin on his face. Isak desperately tries to tell himself that it means nothing, obviously Even’s just being his normal, kind, sweet self. He probably calls everyone cute and funny.

“Okay, this is supposed to be a spooky video, we’re not trying to be cute,” Eskild shouted, snapping them out of their little bubble to see everyone staring at them with annoyingly fond expressions. Isak scoffed and scooted an inch away from Even. They got their food and everyone else engaged in conversation while Isak held his breath, watching from the outside. He was used to that with his group of friends.

It’s not like they tried to exclude Isak, but they were just so loud. They were all so outgoing and Isak was soft-spoken and nervous about everything he said. Eskild just said whatever he wanted to and Isak admired that so much. He wishes he could be so carefree and full of life but that’s just not who he is. Though maybe it’s because they’ve all found happiness. Isak stays awake most nights thinking of that. Maybe they’re all so loud and smiley because they’re truly happy and Isak’s been faking it for years. Maybe.

~~~

At the hotel, Isak tries his best to be invisible as he helps them capture their spooky adventures. He follows them around with the camera and laughs when every single noise frightens them. They’re so into all of this, but Isak just isn’t so gullible. If he sees it, he’ll believe it, but for now, he’ll go along with it for them.

“I feel like it’s hard to breathe around here,” Eskild says, dramatically, while they’re standing in the middle of the empty dining hall. Eva hummed in agreement, holding Vilde a little tighter.

“Apparently, a pregnant woman had a stroke in here and she and the baby died.” Eva read from her phone. “People say you can sometimes hear a woman crying.”

“Ugh, that’s awful.” Jonas shivered, “I just got the chills.” Isak wanted to groan at how dramatic all his friends were being. Eskild suddenly turned him around and took the camera from him, pointing it at him.

“Isak, how do you feel? Any chills or weird feelings? Have you seen anything?” Eskild asks him, and all his friends crowd around him. Isak gives them a weird look.

“Uh no, it’s just a hotel. You’re all full of shi – “ Isak feels someone grab him from behind and cuts his voice off. Isak jumps out and turns to see Even holding back laughter. “Fuck off.” Isak pushes him away as all his friends laugh loudly. “Shut up.” Even grabbed him from the side and hugged him close.

“I’m sorry, I had to!” Even squeezes him tightly and Isak wants to throw his arms off of him so he doesn’t get used to the feeling. Actually, he doesn’t think he could ever get used to the feeling of Even’s warm body pressed against his. He felt so good. Ugghh. Being gay as shit is so annoying.

Even pulled away and gave him a friendly bro pat on the back that made Isak want to rip his arm off. Friendly heterosexual pats on the back should be illegal. They hurt way too much.

“Okay, come on guys let's go back to the room,” Eskild announces, putting the camera back into Isak’s hands and giving him a wink. Isak squinted his eyes at him but Eskild just smirked. That smug bastard.

They all went up to the room and got ready to sleep. Apparently, Eskild wants them to get up at 3 AM to walk around again though, which Isak tried to fight but Eskild needs it for the video.

“I just want to sleep, Esk.” Isak groans, throwing his bag down on the ground and flopping on the nearest bed.

“Baby we need you to be our cameraman,” Eskild whined, and all the others agreed. Isak huffed while everyone started to change their clothes and rearrange their stuff. It’s quiet for a moment and Isak almost began to fall asleep when Eskild began speaking again. “Issy, are you still seeing that guy?”

Isak groaned. “What guy?” Jonas asked, “Nils?”

“No, I’m not seeing him.” Isak groaned again, feeling everyone in the room looking at him.

“Why not? You liked him.” Eva chimed in, making Isak roll his eyes.

“He didn’t like me.” He shrugs. “He got to know me and…” Isak vaguely waved his hands around, already tired of this conversation.

“Bro, he’s missing out,” Jonas says. Isak rolls his eyes.

“Whatever.” Isak groaned, turning around to flop on his back.

“What happened though?” Vilde asked in her annoyingly sweet voice. Isak groaned, why does everyone have to get involved in his dating life? And right in front of Even!

“He got tired of me. Just like Erik, and Chris...” He sighed. Jonas hummed.

“You keep attracting dumbasses.” He mumbles, and Isak scoffed.

“Thanks, dude, you’re so kind,” Isak rolled his eyes. “And they aren’t all dumb.”

“Well, they must be dumb if they don’t think you’re amazing,” Even blurted out, making everyone look at him. He looked around the room before looking at Isak and smiling softly. Isak couldn’t even speak.

“You barely know him.” Jonas pointed out, “Maybe he’s an asshole.” He smirked, making Isak pick up the pillow next to him and throw it at his face. Asshole.

“He once stole some guy’s hair products because the sex was bad,” Eva said through her snickers. Isak groaned.

“Stop telling people that, Eva!” He shouted and everyone laughed loudly. Isak looked over to see Even already looking at him with a soft smile that felt like they’ve known each other for years. Well, Isak’s known Even since he was 16 but Even probably didn’t know he existed until a few days ago when Eskild asked to collab.

“Okay, okay.” Eskild breathed, wiping his eyes because he was laughing so hard at Isak’s misery that he had started to cry. That traitor, Isak thought, surely Eskild’s done something similar. “We should try and get some sleep.”

“How?” Isak laughed, “There's two beds and seven of us. You really didn’t think this through.”

“Okay, Isak, Jonas, and Even on that bed. I’ll take the little couch over there and Eva, Vilde, and Noora on the other bed. Problem solved.” He clapped. Isak resisted groaning. He really had to be squished in a bed with his best friend and his literal dream man!?

Does Eskild realize what he’s doing to him?

Eventually, they were getting in bed, the girls fitting comfortably while Jonas pushed Isak to the middle of the bed while Even was in the bathroom.

“Dude, no, I can’t lay next to him!” Isak whisper shouted.

“Bro what if you cuddle? You need to make a move! He likes you.” Jonas joked with a smirk on his face, which just made Isak roll his eyes and scoff dramatically.

“No, man, I can’t do that. He’s literally my dream guy, you know that!” He whispered, and Jonas smiled.

“I know, which is why you’re sleeping next to him,” Jonas smirked, settling in the bed.

“Fuck you,” Isak grumbled as soon as Even left the bathroom. He watched as the older man glanced at the bed and looked down, blushing?! Was he blushing? What the fuck was that? That’s not allowed.

“Three six-foot-tall guys in one bed, whose idea was that?” Even smirked, making Eskild giggle and Isak groan. They were going to be so squished together. This is gonna be torture.

Even climbed in next to him and got comfortable. Isak stayed on his side, facing Jonas’ neck and glaring at him. This did not need to happen. Uggghhhh. Eskild is such a meddling hoe.

Eventually, he calmed his nerves and started to sink into the semi-comfortable hotel bed, even if his legs were tangled with Jonas’. The room fell completely silent and still, making Isak infer that everyone must have dozed off. It didn’t even feel that cold and scary in the room like Eskild was saying earlier. Isak let his eyes droop as he sunk in deeper. He was asleep for what felt like only minutes until suddenly there was a warm hand caressing his hip bone. He inhaled sharply, making the hand jerk back.

“Sorry.” Even whispered, “I just wanted to ask you something.” Isak relaxed, carefully turning around to face Even who was flat on his back. He looked so soft in the low light coming through the windows.

“What? Are you scared there’s ghosts in this room?” Isak whispered, trying to tease but his voice sounded so sleepy that it lost its bite. Even cracked a smile though, however, something about him looked nervous.

“Eskild said he and his friends liked my videos and liked me and... I assumed that included you.” Even said, turning his head to pierce his eyes through Isak’s eyes and suddenly he felt sixteen again. In the early hours of the morning when the whole country was fast asleep, he’d be awake, pretending to have Even next to him. He had been so pathetic. He’d lay there and imagine cuddling up to him and kissing his collarbone, and hearing him tell him that he loved him. It was like a dream to be in his presence now, in the way he always imagined. How did he end up here? He wondered wistfully. “Do you... you really don’t watch my videos? I mean, I know it’s not a big deal I just... I don’t know. Eskild made it seem like you did.”

Isak sighed, looking down at his hands to pick at a hangnail. He had to tell Even the truth. “I do watch your videos, I don’t really know why I lied. Actually… I showed them all your videos when I was like... sixteen.” Isak admitted quietly. Even stared at him, a little awestruck. Isak curled in on himself.

“Really? Like, from the beginning of my channel?” He whispered. Isak nodded.

“I went on a YouTube deep dive and kind of just, found you. You only had like ten subscribers but I thought your videos were amazing and I haven’t stopped watching. Sorry I lied, I just panicked.” He told him, feeling his cheeks warm up. Even turned on his side to get closer to him.

“Whoa...” He breathed and Isak felt his heart beating out of his chest.

“Sorry, I sound so creepy.” He mumbled, still staring at his fingernails but Even chuckled a little.

“No, it... it makes me feel a lot less creepy. When Eskild first contacted me a while ago I basically watched all of his videos because of you... Sorry maybe that’s weird,” Even admits, and Isak’s head shoots up to stare at him. He was blushing. What?!?! Isak felt like screaming. He felt like dancing. No, calm down, this means nothing. Well, it means one thing, Even likes watching Isak when he’s in videos.

“What? Why?” He blurts out, and Even smiles a soft smile.

“You’re just... really interesting and funny and,” Even’s smile gets impossibly wider, “cute, you’re really cute. But I bet you get that all the time.”

Isak tried not to smile too wide, “Not when it matters.” They both blushed.

“So, you don’t hate me?” He smirked, making Isak roll his eyes.

“Of course not. I love your videos.” He told him, making Even smile wide. He almost exposed more, like how he was the reason Isak realized he was gay, and how he would nonstop talk about him and how perfect he is. He wasn’t here to end his life though, he just wanted to make Even smile.

“That means a lot.” Even whispers and Isak quirks an eyebrow as if to ask why, considering Isak wasn’t even a creator. “Well, I mean... I just, really like you and how you’re so blunt and honest so it means a lot that you’ve loved my videos since the beginning.”

Isak blushes fiercely, mouth agape a little in shock, “You really… like me?” Even just smiles.

“You’re amazing. I don’t think I know much about the real you but... I want to know everything.” He tells him, and Isak feels like this has to be a dream. He squeezes his eyes shut as if to try and wake him up. He opened up to see Even smiling brightly. His heart sped up. Fuck. This is fucking real???

“You’re... more amazing,” Isak replies weakly. He felt like jelly, or like he was numb but also hypersensitive. Even leaned closer a bit and Isak could feel the warmth coming from his body. “This is crazy, I feel like I’ve known you for years.” Isak chuckles breathlessly, and Even copies him.

“I feel the same way.” He mumbled, placing a hand on Isak’s hip, carefully rubbing at his exposed skin. Isak felt his breath hitch. “We should get back to sleep.” Even whispered. Isak felt his stomach flip when Even pulled him a tad closer so their bodies were touching. His hands were still shoved under his head but Even brought his other hand to wrap around his waist. “Is this okay?”

“Yeah,” Isak nodded, probably a little desperately. He was so affection starved, all of his other boyfriends were such assholes, Jonas was right. They never wanted to cuddle, they didn’t even want to talk. As if Even could already read his mind and expressions, he brought up Nils.

“So, what’s with your ex? Why would he get bored of you?” Even asked, getting more comfortable with Isak in his arms and moving them both with his lanky limbs. Isak shrugged, giving a sad smile. In that hotel bed, it almost felt like they were holding up two halves of a broken heart. It felt therapeutic. So Isak let himself be vulnerable for the first time in a while.

“I study too much. I work too hard and I don’t take care of myself. He hated things I did and I guess I didn’t pay enough attention to him.” He whispered, watching Even’s eyes become serious and sad, but never pitiful. Isak admired that a lot.

“You don’t take care of yourself?” Even whispered softly, rubbing his hand up and down Isak’s lower back. It was so comforting that Isak felt himself actually melting.

“I just… forget to eat. Sometimes I don’t sleep. I drink too much and smoke a lot of weed but… it’s just dumb shit.” He shrugs a little. Even smiles sadly.

“You should take care of yourself if you want to be a doctor.” Even tells him and he shrugs again. “So, you’re conscious of your bad decisions but you don’t try to stop it?”

“Old habits die hard, I guess.” He says and Even chuckles a little. It warms Isak’s cold heart to hear Even laughing because of him.

“I guess you’re right.” He hums, “He hated things you did?” Isak frowned, avoiding eye contact.

“Yeah… Like I like watching the same movies over and over again and saying the lines with the actors and that drove him crazy… And I love Nas and rap music but he thought it was dumb American music, so he never let me listen to it. He hated YouTube more than anything.” Isak explained, feeling himself sink more into Even’s warmth for comfort. Explaining why Nils dumped him always made him insecure. Mostly, it made him realize that when people say their ex “wasted their time” while they were dating, they’re not being dramatic. Isak understood what they meant which made everything worse. He really wasted four months of his life dating this asshole. Ugh.

Even was smiling though, when he looked up which made Isak curl away a bit. Why the fuck are you smiling at my pain?

“Isak, I think we’re gonna get along really well.” His voice sounded quiet but so excited. Isak raised his eyebrows at Even’s bright smile. What does that mean? Does that mean what he thinks it means? Wait a minute – Is this room actually haunted and he was killed in his sleep and now this is heaven? It wasn’t that hard for Isak to believe. Even somehow pulled him closer and just barely pressed his lips against his hair, making him gasp embarrassingly.

“We should go to sleep, Even,” Isak whispers, and Even sighs but he sounded content and sleepy.

“Okay, Isak.” He hums, and he actually feels an electric shock when Even says his name like that. In that soft, sleepy tone that Isak dreams about at night. In a voice that Isak’s been in love with since he was sixteen and now he’s saying his name and holding him tight and they’re so close and Isak feels calm. For once, his anxieties have settled and he no longer feels like his skin is buzzing and his mind is soaring. He feels calm, like his skin is warm and soft from the inside out and everything feels good. He melts into Even’s embrace and doesn’t have any worries in his head, for once.

~~~

At three AM, he really regrets coming on this haunted hotel trip. He practically jumps out of his skin when Eskild’s alarm rings through the dark room. He jolts out of his warm, peaceful sleep, practically slamming his head into the one next to him. Oh right, Even. Fuck. He’s so beautiful.

“Wha – “ Even’s voice rasped out, making Isak actually sigh, his voice is so hot. Ugh. Isak shuffles away and sits up, grabbing his pillow and throwing it at Eskild from across the room.

“Ah!” Eskild screeches, dramatically. Isak flops back on the bed, feeling Even’s arm squeeze his waist and pull him closer a little. Isak felt like he should pull away so Jonas or anyone else didn’t see but then Even was burying his soft hair into his shoulder and groaned.

“Why did I sign up for this?” Even shouted loud enough for Eskild to hear and laugh evilly. All of them got up at the same time and it didn’t seem like anyone really paid attention to Isak and Even.

“Do I have to come with you guys?” Isak groaned, still sitting in bed while everyone got ready to leave the room.

“Issy, we need our favorite bitter cameraman with us,” Eskild exclaims, way too dramatically for three in the morning. Isak rolls his eyes and sits up, locking eyes with Even who gives him a soft, private smile. He felt his stomach flutter as he looked down with a blush on his face. All of a sudden, after only one night holding each other close and feeling each other’s breath on their skin, it’s like somehow Isak’s crush has gone deeper. He’s been so gone for this boy for so long and now he doesn’t know if he can make this feeling disappear. He can’t repress this crush anymore and now it seems he might not have to.

But then, what if he’s like all the rest? What if Even gets bored, or finds everything he does to be annoying? Those thoughts cloud Isak’s brain during their three am video shoot. Instead of adding sarcastic commentary and making fun of them, he just stood back and filmed silently. He couldn’t stop wondering about what would happen if he made a move on Even. It felt like a risk Isak was willing to make but also if things didn’t work out, Isak’s pretty sure he’d be devastated. Literally crushed to the core.

Isak watched through the viewfinder as he watched Even gaze at him with a soft look he couldn’t categorize. He decided he’d follow his heart, even if his heart has led him along wrongly before, this felt too precious. Stupidly, Isak felt like this could be fate. He loves all that universe shit and the idea that it’s all led up to this makes him feel fuzzy inside. It all feels too perfect.

When they get back to the room, they’ve got a few spooks caught on camera and some audio recorders to listen to. Isak doesn’t need to film anymore so he immediately climbs back into the middle of the bed and curls up to sleep.

A while later he’s awoken by a body pulling him closer. All he remembers is warmth and the smell of lavender shampoo and woodsy cologne.

Chapter Text

Even couldn’t believe that he’d finally gotten to meet Isak, and he was even more beautiful in person. He was so infatuated with this boy, from the moment he found Eskild’s channel about six months ago. Eskild had contacted him about doing a collab together after Even came out as pansexual, and he really wanted to, but he was so busy at the time with film projects. So, he took that time to watch Eskild’s videos. The first one was a house tour and about two minutes in he was introduced to Isak. Isak took his breath away, he was so gorgeous. He looked so happy and his smile looked like it could light up a room. Even listened to every word he said and even paused the video to try and take in all the posters and things around Isak’s room. Thankfully he quickly found out Isak was gay when he noticed the gay pride flag in a jar of pens on his desk, and how Eskild called him “Baby gay” in almost every video. It warmed Even’s heart so much to know this humongous crush wasn’t on a straight boy. If Isak was straight, Even would probably have to get his eyeballs removed because he’d have to give up on ever finding someone more beautiful than him.

Throughout the months, Even watched every video Eskild had ever uploaded which led him to learn quite a lot about their friend group, but of course, Even was really only interested in Isak. Eskild started on YouTube about five years ago in a little apartment in Norway with his friends Linn and Noora.  After about a year’s worth of videos, Isak starts to show up. Even spent a week fawning over how adorable and small Isak was when he was probably just sixteen. He was so shy and had such fluffy hair, it made Even feel like a teenage girl. After a while though, Even started to wonder why Isak wasn’t living with his parents at such a young age and it really made Even worry but he tried not to look into it that much. Isak was so charming, even though Eskild constantly showed off what a gigantic mess he really was. Even thought it was endearing, because of course, he had been the same way.

After only three months, Even had binge-watched almost every video up to 2021 and was quickly falling head over heels for Isak. In the newer videos, Isak was grumpy and sarcastic and still so incredibly adorable. Even couldn’t believe it when Eskild had contacted him again about collaborating on a video where they’d film a ghost hunt in a haunted hotel. Even quickly agreed when he saw Eskild had texted him saying that “the whole squad would be involved”. Even had to meet Isak, he was determined.

He spoke back and forth with Eskild and then Eva and then Vilde about plans and every time he texted them, he couldn’t help but ask about Isak. It was probably painfully obvious to them that he had a crush but Even couldn’t contain himself. On the night before he was flying out to San Francisco, he DMed Vilde to try and get some more information about the video. He also knew Vilde had no filter and if anyone was going to let him know that Isak knew he existed, it would be her.

til Vilde: Hey, it’s Even again, sorry I feel like I’m bothering you guys all the time. But I was wondering if Isak would be coming tomorrow?

He figured he might as well cut right to the chase.

Vilde: Hei Even!!! You are definitely not a bother! <3 Isak is always super busy with school work but I’m sure Eskild will drag him away so he can film for us all. Why are you wondering about Isak?

Even huffed out a laugh, if she only knew. Huh, wait. Maybe it wouldn’t be bad if she knew. Even thought for a moment about how Vilde has a track record showing she often blurts out other people’s business but maybe this could help Even. Maybe if he tells her that he likes Isak, she will say something and Isak might be interested. Hmm. Couldn’t hurt to try, right?

til Vilde: I’ve been watching Eskild’s videos for a while and I just think he’s really cute and funny. I really can’t wait to meet him, I like him a lot.

Vilde: Aww that’s so nice, he is funny. Fair warning, he’s kind of grumpy all the time, especially earlier in the day or actually all the time.

til Vilde: I think it’s cute, he seems really sweet. Does he have a boyfriend?

Might as well lay it on thick, why not?

Vilde: Hmm, Eva says he’s been seeing this guy Nils but I’m not sure. He doesn’t really talk about his dating life. He’s a really private person, that’s why he refuses to start a YouTube channel.

Okay, so maybe Vilde isn’t getting the message that Even’s trying to get her to play matchmaker, but sure let’s change the subject. (Also Even feels a little down about the fact that Isak is seeing someone, and knowing that he feels the need to pull back on all the Isak talk).

til Vilde: I’d love it if he made a channel, even if it was just him talking about plants for ten minutes straight.

Vilde: LOL omg Even you’re so funny

After that Even changed the subject to ask about what they were doing for the video, even though he desperately wanted to ask more about Isak. He wanted to know if Isak even knew if he existed, or if it’d be weird if he sent him a DM right now. He decided he’d just have to wait until they met face to face.

~~~

Even had to admit that he felt incredibly nervous about meeting Isak. All these worries ran through his mind on the airplane ride, like what if Isak didn’t even know who he was or what if he did know who he was and hated him. All of this was making Even a little scared and really sweaty, which was not a good look.

He met Jonas at the airport and he seemed nice enough. Even noted that they had a lot in common, like their views of capitalism, favorite movies and always wanting to get artistic shots for their vlogs. He wished he could stop thinking so much about Isak but he knew Jonas and him were best friends so it was a little reassuring to know they had things in common.

“So, your friend Isak, why doesn’t he have a YouTube channel?” Even asked, on the way to the house. Jonas hummed with an oddly knowing smile on his face, as if he knew something Even didn’t.

“He’s super busy, man, I mean, the guy’s a med student. He doesn’t really have time to make videos.” Jonas tells him, and then looks over with a smirk, “People don’t normally go right to asking about Isak, considering he’s not famous or whatever.”

Even chuckled nervously, worried Jonas was going to immediately text Isak about his big crush, which wouldn’t be horrible but it definitely would not be the way Even would want things to go. “I just find it interesting that you guys are this big group of friends that are all creators and he’s not. He seems interesting.” He said, trying to not be too obvious but also trying to get on Jonas’ good side. Even figured that if he wanted to make a move on Isak then maybe he should be on the best friend’s good side.

“He is interesting, he’s the unhealthiest future doctor in the universe.” Jonas groans, making Even laugh. Shortly after that they went back to talking about art and films they both loved, but Even couldn’t get Isak off his mind.

The constant thoughts of Isak got even worse once he was standing in front of him. He felt the world around them disappear when he first saw him. Although, as soon as Isak said he didn’t watch his videos, the world crashed back into place and Even was left standing in the middle of the room awkwardly. For a while, Even just stared at Isak, who seemed so concentrated on filming Eskild talking, as if he gave his entire attention to whatever he was doing, no matter what. It was so attractive to him.

Once they were at the diner, Even quickly ran to the bathroom. He had to call Mikael.

“Hello?”

“Mikael! It happened! He doesn’t know who I am.” Even told him, as he paced the empty Denny’s men’s restroom. He heard Mikael sigh heavily.

“Okay then just, stick to the plan. Pretend like you’ve seen their videos but you don’t really know him, okay? Just play it cool, be mysterious. But also flirt, he probably hasn’t seen your coming out video and you do kinda come off as a straight guy.” Mikael tells him.

Even scoffs, “I mean, it got fifteen million views.”

“Bro, he’s like a genius, right?” Mikael brings up, sounding exasperated.

“Yeah,”

“Well, he’s probably not keeping up with the YouTubers, alright?” He said, and Even nodded to himself.

“You’re right, okay. I’ll be cool.” He says, and they hang up. He breaths in deeply and goes back out there.

Throughout dinner, Even asks questions that he already knows the answers too but he also gets to know an entirely different side of Isak. This Isak is a person, with thousands of opinions and millions of thoughts that Even wants to hear all of. This Isak isn’t just a guy on a screen, he’s so much deeper and Even still feels just as infatuated with him.

Which brings Even to where he is now; the back seat of Jonas’ car, the morning after the ghost hunt. Also known as, the morning after cuddling with his fucking dream man, what the fuck? Even woke up in a warm, day-dreamy haze that smelled like coffee and sugar and Isak. His arms fit perfectly around his waist and his nose nuzzled against Isak’s soft, golden locks so perfectly, it felt like what he imagined going to heaven and walking on clouds. It was all so nice, until everyone else woke up and Isak quickly disappeared into the bathroom and stared at the ground for the rest of the morning.

Now they were driving back to Eskild’s house, where they’d film the end portion of the video, and Isak is asleep against the passenger side window and Even couldn’t stop staring at him. He was mainly confused, because it seemed like Isak was on the same page as him. They liked each other, they’ve been watching each other’s videos for a long time now and Even thought everything was going to be good. He thought maybe Isak and him could be something, or at least go on a first date before Isak decided he didn’t like him.

“You okay, Even?” Jonas’ voice made him blink and look over at him in the rear-view mirror.

“Oh yeah. I’m fine.” Even said, and he wasn’t even convincing himself. Jonas hummed a little.

“Can I ask… what happened? I just… noticed that Isak has been avoiding you a little.” Jonas said, slowly. Even sighed, looking down at his hands.

“Yeah… I think… I did something wrong.” Even tells him, and Jonas just hums. They get back to the house, Jonas waking up Isak and all of them meeting in the living room.

“Okay so, all of us on the couch and then I’ll – “ Eskild announced, but Isak took a step forward.

“Esk, can I just – go back to sleep?” He asks, and it’s the first thing he’s said all morning. Even watches as everyone in the room gives him a caring gaze, and nods.

“Of course, sleep tight, baby gay. We are going to lunch though in a few hours, alright?” Eskild says but Isak’s already walking up the stairs to go to his room. He makes a noise of agreement though and everyone watches him go. Even is about to ask about Isak again but they all quickly get ready to film the outro, and Even has to focus on that now. He’ll figure Isak out later.

~~~

After they finish filming, they all chill on the sofas and put on YouTube while Noora gets started on editing.

“Even, all the people in the comments are going to go crazy about how much you’re full on staring at Isak,” She says with a giggle as she takes out one earphone. Even eyes her laptop that Eskild is also staring at now. Eskild chuckles a little.

“You’re almost worse than Eva and Vilde,” Eskild says, making everyone else raise their eyebrows and surround the laptop to get a look. Even chuckles nervously.

“So, you do like him? Right?” Vilde blurted out, “I mean, you were cuddling.” Every pair of eyes was now focused on Even.

“Uh… yeah I mean…” Even stuttered, then sighed, “I really really like him but… I think I messed everything up.” Eskild gives him a hard look and so do all of the girls. Jonas just looks a little confused.

“What’d you do to him?” Eskild practically demands, and Even actually feels how protective he is over Isak. Even puts his hands up.

“I – I don’t know, I mean, I initiated the, uh, cuddling and I asked him if it was okay, and he said yes so I thought we were on the same page and we talked. We talked a lot and it was so nice. He told me about how he’s watched my videos since the beginning and I told him I liked him, I put it out there and he didn’t pull back or anything.” Even tells them all and their hard looks softened up a little bit. “I don’t know what I did. This morning he hasn’t even looked at me. Do you think he felt pressured?”

They all looked too each other as if they were talking with their eyes. Even watched as Eskild sighed a little.

“I think he’s just scared. You’re his huge celebrity crush and he doesn’t want to get rejected by you so… obviously he’s a little scared. Or very scared. He really likes you, he talks about you constantly and the second he has a free moment he watches your videos.” Eskild tells him. Even can’t help but smile at the fact. Then he remembers that Isak is scared of getting rejected by him.

“I really like him too, and I don’t want to reject him, or anything like that. I want to… be with him.” Even says, a little self-consciously with everyone’s eyes on him. They all began cooing though.

“Aww! Evak! I ship it!” Eva cheered. They all laughed and Even’s chest felt a lot lighter.

“You’re a good guy Even, but don’t mess this up,” Jonas tells him with a pat on the back. Even nods, assuredly. He can’t mess this up. He won’t let himself.

“So, when you said you watched a few of our videos a couple weeks ago – “ Eskild started, but Even was already blushing.

“Uhh, yeah, I may have binge-watched them all to cyber-stalk Isak.” Even admitted and they all cooed again. Even then remembered something, “Actually that reminds me, I always wondered why Isak moved in with you and Noora so young. Wasn’t he like sixteen?” Suddenly, the room was silent. Something about the air felt somber and Even immediately wanted to shout never mind and go back to the fun, happy air just a second ago. Instead, he stayed quiet and Eskild spoke up.

“Yeah, he was having a lot of family issues, stuff that a sixteen-year-old shouldn’t have to deal with and I found him, drunk and about to go home with a much older gentleman so I took him back to our little apartment and he moved in,” Eskild said, and Even knew that was the short version of the story. He nodded.

It all sunk in and Even felt overwhelmingly sad, even with the little information he was given. Even always hoped that Isak had moved out for a happy reason, like he just wanted to or he graduated high school early and wanted to start adult life early. Knowing that Isak was going through a terrible time makes Even’s heart hurt for him, because this perfect, beautiful human should never have to deal with anything so heavy.

This also made him feel warm, in a weird way. He’s never met someone who seems to have been through as many dark times as he has and it feels comforting to know that Isak may understand the kind of pain he’s been through. It feels like they were meant to meet, or maybe that’s just the heavy dose of infatuation talking.

Before Even could ask any more questions they were back to laughing at the footage they had to edit together, taking their time to watch the raw moments Isak caught on camera.

An hour later, Isak came stumbling down the stairs in sweatpants and a tee-shirt, hair fluffy and all over the place as he rubbed at his sleepy eyes. Even watched him walk right by them and head into the kitchen.

“Isak, are you hungry? We were gonna go for lunch in a few minutes,” Eskild shouts after him. Even looks at him.

“We were?” Even questions, making everyone shush him. He thought they were about to watch a movie, they had it all set up and everything.

“Isak’s more likely to agree when he’s tired,” Jonas whispers. Even crinkles his eyebrows together. Isak comes out of the kitchen with a glass of water. He yawns.

“I can’t, I have homework to do,” He tells them and Even can hear Jonas sigh.

“Come on, it’ll be fun. Everyone’s here,” Eskild says, smiling. Isak rolls his eyes.

“Fine,” He agrees and turns around to go back upstairs, “I’m getting dressed.”

“That was easy,” Eva hums, as they all smile at each other and stand up to slip their shoes on.

“It’s usually more difficult to get him to eat lunch with you?” Even questions, a little confused with this whole situation. They all chuckle a little.

“It’s hard to get him to eat in general. He usually puts up way more of a fight against eating out with us,” Eskild says, and the others nod their heads. Even raises his eyebrows.

“Why?” He asks but then Jonas quickly starts talking over them about this weird theory about iPhones. Suddenly, Isak’s voice enters the room.

“Are you seriously talking about that dumb conspiracy again? You’re so paranoid Jonas,” Isak groans, grabbing his jacket from where he dumped it on the couch, and joining their group by the front door. Eskild leads them out.

“I know my phone is listening to me, okay? I know it,” Jonas insisted and Isak chuckled at him softly, making Even smile at him. His hair was still a fluffy, golden mess. The group piles into the two cars in the same way as yesterday; the girls all with Eskild, and Even with Jonas and Isak. As Jonas starts the car, it is uncomfortably silent and Even feels like he can physically feel the tension in the car.

He wants to say so many things to Isak about how he just wants a chance to prove that he won’t hurt Isak, and that he wants to get to know everything about him. He wants to let him know that all the stuff he said his exes hated, he would love. He wants to apologize for being so bold last night when Isak maybe wasn’t so comfortable with cuddling. Fuck, he wants to say so much.

Instead, he says, “How was your nap?”

“Uh… good,” Isak answers, already leaning his head on the window. Jonas looks up in the rear-view mirror to give Even a look like ‘what the fuck dude?’ and Even wishes he knew what the fuck he was doing. He wants to slap himself in the face. How was your nap?! What the hell was he thinking?

Jonas quickly connects to the Bluetooth and plays some Nas, which eases the tension slightly. Jonas asks Isak about what classes are giving him hell and Isak rants a little bit about a professor he hates. They’re just making small talk until they get to a McDonalds in the city. Even feels conflicted between asking Isak if something’s wrong between them and just ignoring him altogether, like what Isak is doing to him.

However, it might kill him to ignore Isak.

The group orders their food before sitting down in one of the half-circle booths to wait. Thankfully, there aren’t that many people there, so they don’t have to worry about fans seeing them. Even orders last so, of fucking course, when he goes to join them at the booth, Isak is sitting on the end, with a space for Even next to him. Even wonders if this is Isak being forced to the end by his friends, or if he’s actually trying to give him some sort of signal. You know, many people ask Even if it’s easier to date boys because they aren’t “as complicated” as girls, but clearly, they’ve never tried to date anyone. Everyone is equally complicated and confusing when it comes to dating. Even fucking hates it.

Even slides into the booth and his leg brushes against Isak’s thigh. For a moment, Even is worried Isak is going to flinch away but thankfully, he doesn’t. Eskild is telling some dramatic story to the group about a night out, but all Even can do is watch the side of Isak’s face. Isak seems like he’s watching Eskild speak, but he’s not listening. Even has a hunch that Isak is just avoiding talking to Even, and he doesn’t know how to feel about his.

“Can I talk to you Isak, just for a moment?” Even blurts into Isak’s ear, and luckily Eskild doesn’t stop talking to everyone else. Isak turns to him, eyes wide and just nods. Even gets up and motions outside. Everyone else spares them a glance but goes right back to paying attention to Eskild. Even never thought he would thank Eskild for one of his raunchy club stories.

The two of them take a step outside and Even turns to Isak to look him in the eyes. Isak is trying hard to avoid eye contact.

“I’m just… really confused… Isak.” Even says, plainly. Isak opens his mouth, but Even continues, “I don’t know if I did something, or said something, but I… I want to know what you’re thinking right now.”

Even waits for him to say something, and Isak just clenches his fists and unclenches them, like he doesn’t know what to do with his hands. Even waits, not so patiently, but he waits. Isak coughs into his hand, like it’s a nervous tick, or maybe he’s trying to clear his throat.

“I’m just… I don’t know if I can… date you,” Isak blurts out. Even’s mouth slacks a bit, forgetting all the words he was about to say. “I’m just really busy right now –“

“Bullshit,” Even blurts out, and maybe he shouldn’t react right now when he feels so hurt. Isak’s expression is likely trying to tell him not to react like this. Maybe he’s not thinking rationally, but fuck rational thinking. Clearly, Isak wasn’t thinking rationally. “I thought…” Even closed his mouth before he embarrassed himself further. He couldn’t understand this.

“Even…” Isak just stood there fidgeting with his fingers. Even just stared at him, probably looking furious, but that’s how he felt. He hates to sound cliché but, he thought they had something. He thought they could be something and now he feels like maybe it was all in his head.

“No, it’s fine. I get it,” Even says, not wanting to hear more excuses. He puts his hands up and just backs away, walking back into the fucking McDonalds. He sat back at their booth, where Isak was sitting. Eskild grabbed their meals from the counter and they’re all busy eating and gossiping about YouTubers. Even grabs his food and starts eating, wanting to get out of here as soon as possible.

“Where’s Isak?” Jonas asks. Everyone glances to the front door where Isak and Even left only a few minutes ago. Isak is nowhere to be found. The group looks at Even but all he can do is shrug.

“I don’t know,” Even sighs. Eskild scoffs and just glares at him. Even doesn’t have it in him to glare back so he just looks back down at his burger, and shrugs again. He hears Eskild get up from the table and walk away, presumably, to look for his precious Isak.

The rest of the lunch went by quite fast. Eskild came back with Isak and they grabbed his food and left again. Even didn’t chance a glance at the two of them, or anyone else at the table, until Vilde spoke up.

“Even, what happened with you and Isak?” Vilde asks, and her voice sounds much more high-pitched than normal. Even thinks for a moment, wondering if he should just not answer. He shrugs.

“Nothing,” He says. He looks up to see everyone’s confused faces, but he’s telling the truth. Nothing happened.

~~~

The girls, Even, and Jonas head back to the house once everyone finished eating. When they enter, Eskild is already sitting in the living room looking over the footage. Even felt the tension in the room and he couldn’t stand it much longer.

“Uh, I think I’m gonna get an early flight,” Even says, trying not to seem rude.

Eskild immediately says, “I think that’s a good idea, Even.”

“What? Why?” Vilde asks but Even watches everyone give her a look. A look that says “Let the asshole go home.”

Even understands, and he can’t bear to make any of this more uncomfortable. He sits on the stairs to order an Uber to the airport. As he sits there to wait, he wishes he could fucking understand anything that happened in the past two days.

For weeks, he’s been a bit obsessive about this boy he’s only met through his screen. Now he’s met him and he’s even more amazing in person. Isak is a dream. He’s beautiful, and funny, and so incredibly smart and he likes to watch the same movies over and over and he listens to Nas. Even knows he’s a romantic, but he doesn’t think he’s exaggerating when he says Isak may be his soulmate.

Typical of Even to fall in love with someone who doesn’t feel the same way.

He really hates to be cliché, but he can’t help but think this was all in his head. The night with Isak, where they stayed up talking until he fell asleep in his arms: it was all in his head. Isak was probably just being polite. It drove Even crazy that he can’t just go and get a straight answer. It’s not like that would help him get over Isak. God, he doesn’t want to get over Isak.

“Even, I think your ride is here.” Even looks up when he hears Noora’s voice, realizing he’s been completely checked out for the last ten minutes.

“Oh, yeah,” He mumbles. He grabs his duffle bag that he left by the entrance and awkwardly says goodbye to everyone. “Um… sorry.” He tries but Eskild gives him a glare and the others just look like they pity him. Even sighs and leaves before he can make anything worse.

Chapter Text

He kind of assumed everything would go back to normal. Now that Even was back in Los Angeles, Isak really thought he could forget they ever met. He thought he could forget he ever met Even and go back to fawning over him as his distant celebrity crush. He could forget about coming close to being rejected by him, eventually.

Isak woke up the morning after that night they talked and talked and Even help him close, realizing that none of this would ever work out. He didn’t even know Even. He knew the Even that was portrayed on YouTube, that was it. They couldn’t seriously be together. Even barely knew Isak. What was he doing thinking they could actually be together. Isak was being stupid. So, he drifted away. He let Even go.

It felt like shit. He didn’t expect Even to be mad or even react at all. Before Isak could say anything else, Even was going back into that fucking McDonald’s and leaving Isak outside, mind racing. He didn’t want Even to hate him, but maybe that was how it was supposed to be. It would definitely help Isak forget about him.

Isak sat on the curb, not even crying, just sitting, replaying the last day in his mind. A few minutes later, Eskild came out and sat next to him.

“Baby…” He whispered as he gently put an arm around Isak. “What did he do?”

Isak didn’t have the heart to tell him that it was all him. As usual, he’s the one who fucked things up.

“It’s not gonna work with us…” Isak said vaguely, just wanting to drop the whole conversation. He just wanted to forget.

“He…” Isak glanced up to see Eskild looking confused. “He seemed like he liked you,” Eskild mumbled and Isak just shrugged. Eskild always sees what he wants to see, not what’s actually there. “I’m sorry baby. You want me to drive you home?”

Isak nodded, but added, “Can we grab our food though?”

Eskild was never one to let Isak go hungry, so the two of them went back to their table and grabbed their food. Isak avoided looking at anyone, and then Eskild drove them home. Isak went straight to his room, hoping to avoid any more of Eskild’s questions.

After eating, he fell asleep pretty easily, hoping to not dream of bright blue eyes.

~~~

He should’ve known it wouldn’t be so easy to forget. All he did the last week was school. In fact, he even got ahead in a couple of classes. He didn’t want a second of free time to let himself dwell on the man he came so close to letting him ruin his life. Not actually, but Isak thinks if he ever was to be with Even, he could never let him go. From what he knows about relationships (which isn’t a lot), that probably isn’t very healthy.

Still, Isak misses him. Late at night, when the world isn’t watching him, he caves and goes to YouTube. Don’t tell his friends, but he’s only subscribed to one person, and that one person hasn’t uploaded in two weeks.

Eskild’s new video has been up for a couple of days now, and tonight he’s finally going to watch it. He’s covered in blankets, protected from the world, with headphones in and his phone propped up by his blanket, ready to watch. He starts the video to see Eskild and Noora filming him, complaining about filming. Isak has to admit, Eskild is a horrible camera operator with how much he gesticulates so the camera ends up being wildly shaky. Isak hasn’t cracked a smile in a week, but Eskild’s antics on camera make him smile the smallest bit.

Eventually, Even comes on screen and Isak can barely take seeing the look in his eyes as he stares at Isak behind the camera. Isak pauses the video and decides to go through the comments, even though his friends always tell him never to look at comments. Sure, there are a few about how Isak seems so mean, but he doesn’t mind those. What he does mind is the countless comments saying Even is so in love with Isak. Isak hasn’t watched more than ten minutes of the video, he hasn’t even seen the parts where they’re at the haunted hotel, so he genuinely doesn’t know what they’re talking about. He doesn’t want to find out.

However, Isak thinks he may be a masochist when he swipes out of YouTube to go to Twitter. The Internet’s designated dumpster fire. He didn’t have a personal account, he actually had an account just to follow Even. He feels a bit crazy now that he’s actually met Even, but he’s had the account for years since Even gives most of his updates through Twitter and YouTube. Nevertheless, he doesn’t have an official account. To all his friends and their followers, he doesn’t even have a Twitter.

He goes and does something he’s never done before. He checks his indirects. He types his name into the search and suddenly hundreds of tweets are in front of him, talking about him, talking about him and Even. They’re all talking about him and Even. Isak reads with wide eyes as people talk about shipping them and theorize so many things. It’s eerie to feel so seen.

Why do people voluntarily do this to themselves? There are countless gif sets and screenshots of Even looking at Isak and people claiming they clearly are secretly dating. Isak feels sick to his stomach.

He turns his phone off and stares at the ceiling, willing himself to pass out.

~~~

“Isak?”

Isak opens his eyes, squinting through the bright sunshine pouring in through the window. Isak groans as he sees Eskild hovering over him with a plate of toast.

“Issy, it’s noon… I thought you had left for class…” Eskild says, with that quiet, concerned voice he does. Isak just groans again, lifting his pillow to burrow his unruly hair under it.

“Go away,” He mutters. He could tell Eskild was frowning as he stood over his bed.

“Oh Isak,” Eskild mumbles, and Isak could hear the clink of a plate being set on his cluttered bedside table. Isak was already drifting back to sleep by the time Eskild left the room, leaving the door cracked open.

~~~

He stays in bed until the house was quiet, at almost midnight. He was in and out of dreams all day. It was the only thing keeping him comfort. He keeps dreaming of beautiful eyes and softness, these abstract things that mean so little, but hurt so much. The dreams turn on him quite quickly, when his subconscious realizes those blue eyes are the enemy. Dreams turn to nonsensical remnants of a memory when those blue eyes looked so angry.

Isak lifts his head out from under the pillow that was acting as his shield from the world, only to see his room shrouded in darkness. It’s not like he wanted to see his dirty, cluttered room, it’s actually a comfort to be in the dark. No one judges anyone in the dark.

He climbs out of his blanket cocoon to head downstairs. He stood in the dark kitchen, sipping water from a glass, staring at the calendar Eskild has on the fridge. Tomorrow he was supposed to upload a vlog with a sponsor. Isak just stood there, staring at Even’s name written in orange, excited ink, surrounded by a bunch of red hearts probably drawn by Noora. He wonders what Even’s doing, what vlog he’s filming. He hasn’t uploaded in two weeks.

Isak kind of hates himself for missing him. He doesn’t even know him, he reminds himself. Eventually, he makes his way back to his room and turns on his bedside lamp to get his homework done. He needs to catch up.

~~~

“He needs to get out!” Isak hears Eskild attempt to whisper in the hallway outside of his room.

“Just let him be depressed, it’s only been a week, Eskild,” Noora whispers, but to no avail, Isak hears her loud and clear. He sighs, closing his textbook to get up out of bed.

“Come on, he’s been doing homework for five days straight and nothing else. He’s like a rat, only eating at night! He needs to come out with us,” Eskild pleads with Noora. Isak sighs and swings his door open. Noora is standing in front of it, blocking Eskild from barging in, and Isak is a bit thankful for that.

“I can hear you,” Isak deadpans. Eskild huffs and Noora just looks guilty.

“It’s Magnus’ birthday, you have to come out with us,” Eskild says firmly, and then he adds, “And it’s Halloween tomorrow. We’ll have a good time.”

Isak just stares at the two of them, wondering how he’s going to get out of this.

“Eva’s having a big party,” Noora adds and it only makes Isak dread this even more.

“Fine. I’ll come,” Isak agrees, and only because it’s Magnus’ birthday, one of their only non-YouTuber, non-obnoxious friends. Well, he’s still obnoxious, just in his own Magnus sort of way that Isak actually kind of likes.

“Good, you need this,” Eskild says firmly. “What are you dressing up as?” He smiles all wide and Isak scowls at him before slamming the door in their grinning faces.

~~~

A few hours later, Isak is dressed in white with a halo headband on because Eskild insisted that he was an angel. Isak could only roll his eyes because he didn’t really have the energy to resist. At least the irony of him being dressed as an angel made his friends laugh. At least someone is happy.

Isak found Eva’s good whiskey pretty quickly once they got to the party. He stood in the kitchen ready to get shitfaced as he guzzled whiskey from the bottle. Not long after he got through half the bottle did he forget what he was drinking for. He wandered out to the living room where his friends were sitting, surrounding Magnus and Mahdi as they played FIFA. Eskild was ranting, passionately.

“I mean, he’s clearly some pretentious prick if he rejects Isak, like are you kidding me? Isak could do better, he just gets, like, magnetized to douchebags,” Eskild says and they all laugh. Isak can’t understand what he’s talking about, and he’s drunk out of his mind so he says just as much.

“What are you guys talking about?” He slurs, moving forward to crash onto the loveseat next to Eva and Vilde. The two girls are cuddled up, so it gives Isak room to sit on the other half. His body practically sinks into the cushion, and he doesn’t know how he’ll be able to get back up. Maybe he won’t have to.

“Even, and what a dick he is for hurting you,” Jonas says and Isak watches everyone nod.

“Huh?” He asks, because that didn’t really clear up his confusion.

“You know, I never liked his videos. He takes himself so fucking serious,” Jonas adds in and everyone nods again. Isak watches them, eyebrows furrowed in confusion and, honestly, he was feeling a bit offended.

“Why are you guys talking shit about Even?” Isak raises his voice. Every one of his friends turns to look at Isak like he’s grown three heads.

“He rejected you, baby,” Eskild says.

“Fuck, how drunk are you?” Eva asks, taking the half-empty bottle of whiskey from him.

“He was a dick about it too. He made you cry, you never cry,” Eskild tacks on and Isak looks at everyone as they stare at him. Besides the loud party they were in the midst of, it was silent between the group of friends as they all stared at Isak, confused, and he stared back, just as confused.

“Even didn’t reject me… I rejected him,” Isak tells them and everyone gapes at him.

Suddenly they all erupted in different shouts of dismay, questions, and confusion. Isak looks over to Eva, who’s still holding the bottle of whiskey. She frowns at him and gives him the bottle back. He takes a good swig before continuing.

“He would’ve dumped me one day anyway, like the rest, why bother letting him ruin my life?” Isak tells them, and saying it out loud sounds cynical, but Isak stands by this. Even would have only ruined his life.

“Bro, he seemed like he really liked you,” Jonas says, looking a bit annoyed. Isak scoffs.

“He barely even knew me… He liked the me that you people put on YouTube,” He groans, before taking another drink.

“Maybe take the bottle away again,” He hears Vilde say timidly. He only grips the bottle tighter.

“Isak – “

“I’m going home,” Isak says, getting up from the loveseat and swaying slightly.

“Let me drive you,” Eskild offers.

“No. I can walk,” Isak tells him, and he’s walking away before anyone can remind him that it’s about a two-mile walk. Fuck them, he’ll walk.

They don’t understand.

Isak pushes through the house and out into the October cold. Fuck. His jacket is inside somewhere but he’s not about to go back inside. Whatever. He’ll live.

He started walking back home, thankfully knowing the way just by muscle memory alone. He stumbles back home, wondering why his friends were so mad when he admitted to rejected Even. It’s his choice! They don’t understand. They don’t understand that Isak and Even would’ve dated for a few months max, and they’d be the best months of Isak’s entire life. Then one day, Even would realize how annoying his laugh is, or he’d realize Isak may be smart when it comes to medical shit, but he’s a fucking idiot when it comes to anything else. Even would break his heart one day, and Isak couldn’t let that happen. He just wanted to forget all this ever happened.

Isak was just thankful he couldn’t run into him at midnight in San Francisco.

Chapter Text

Bleary-eyed, Even felt around his nightstand for his phone.

“What?” He answered, assuming it was Mikael or another one of his other friends, drunk and needing a ride. They all went to a Halloween party tonight, since actual Halloween was on a Sunday this year. Even refused to go. He wasn’t feeling up to it this week.

Well, he hasn’t felt up to anything this past week. All he’s done is lay in bed, cocooned in blankets, watching The Office on his phone. You know, it’s kind of cruel that even his comfort show has a perfect couple in it to flaunt their love in his face.

He hears a very familiar cough on the other line. “Ya know, I didn’t want to reject you.”

“Isak?” He looks at the caller ID and sure enough, the area code is for San Francisco. Even faintly remembers giving Isak his number and telling him to text him so Even would have his number. Even realizes then that Isak never did that. Even though the voice was slurred and dark, he knew it had to belong to Isak. “It’s one in the morning, are you alright?”

“I knew I had to though, I had to,” He slurs, and Even tries to listen to the faint background noise, but all he can hear is Isak. His breath sounds harsh and then he coughs again. Even doesn’t really know what to say though, because it seems Isak’s not listening. “I want you, I do.  But you don’t know me and if you knew me you wouldn’t like me, and I don’t want that to happen.”

“Isak – “

“So for once I wasn’t a selfish asshole and I gave you up. You’re free. You should be happy!” Isak shouts and he lets out a dark laugh.

“Are you – “ His phone beeps and he realizes Isak hung up on him. Well, Even thinks, at least he has Isak’s number now. Even sits there in his bed, not really knowing what to do now. He has no fucking clue what just happened.

Isak didn’t want to reject him, but he had to. Even thinks back to what Eskild told him. Isak was scared. He should’ve seen this coming, but maybe Isak is right; Even doesn’t know Isak. He sighs, looking around his dark bedroom. What was he supposed to do now?

He opens his text messages from Eskild and hopes he’s not blocked.

til Eskild: I think there’s something wrong with Isak… he’s super drunk?

It took a while but about twenty minutes later, Eskild texted back.

Eskild: I found him, it’s okay. Thanks.

Even let out a sigh of relief, but he still doesn’t know how he’s just going to go back to sleep after this. Where was Isak? What happened?

Eskild: I’ll call you later

Even kind of feels like he’s about to be yelled out by Isak’s dad later, but maybe he deserved it. Even slumped back down into his covers to try and go back to sleep, but his mind was racing.

What did this all mean for him and Isak? Even thought it was all over, but maybe it wasn’t.

~~~

Even only slept a few hours before getting up and cleaning his entire apartment. He’s been lying in bed, barely moving, barely eating for a week, so even though waking up at seven is usually his own personal hell, it felt good to move around. More importantly, he needed something to do while he waited for Eskild’s dreaded phone call. He assumes Eskild, Isak, and their friends were out at some Halloween party, just like Even’s friends, so he doesn’t expect to get a call till the afternoon.

Even tries his best to busy himself, by cleaning and ordering groceries, but he can’t do much else besides think about Isak.

What if this is supposed to be some sign? Isak was drunk and thought of him, thought to call him! Albeit, he didn’t seem to be thinking very highly of Even, judging by his dark and bitter tone. Even has some hope in the fact that Isak was even thinking of him. Maybe he can’t forget him either.

~~~

At half-past eleven, Even’s phone rang on the kitchen counter and he didn’t waste a moment.

“Hey,” He breathes out after a single ring. He stands in the middle of his spotless kitchen, still in pajamas, leaning on the kitchen island.

“Oh, hi,” Eskild says, sounding surprised. “Uh, thanks for texting me last night, or this morning,” He chuckles lightly, voice scratchy. Even assumes he’s just woken up.

“Yeah well…” Even shrugs. He hears Eskild sigh on the other line.

“Listen I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have been such a jerk, and making you go home early was rude of me, I’m sorry,” He tells him. Even nods, feeling the butterflies in his stomach tamper down for the moment.

“It’s okay, I understand why you were mad.”

“Well, I shouldn’t have been. I thought,” Eskild sighs again, heavily, “I thought you rejected him… Not the other way around. I just found out last night.”

“Oh,” Even didn’t expect this to be the topic of the call. He didn’t really know what else to say to that. It was silent for a moment.

“I should’ve known he would do that to you. He’s a little bit of an asshole,” Eskild tries to joke but Even just frowns.

“Yeah he, uh, he said.. last night, he said that I was free,” Even says, “and that he gave me up, or something. It was weird.”

Eskild hums before responding, “He’s an insecure little baby.” Even can’t help but laugh. “Really, he is. He just doesn’t understand what he’s doing. I think you would be good for him,”

Even kind of wants to hang up, because he really doesn’t know what to say. What is he supposed to say to that? He doesn’t know if he even agrees. Even’s a handful. He’s a bipolar 20-something, a crazy film nerd, with a tendency to stay in bed for a week because he doesn’t have a real job.

“I don’t know Eskild…” He murmurs. Eskild just scoffs. “I’m not the best guy ever… I mean, maybe this is a sign that Isak deserves better.”

Eskild tsks on the other end. “Isak is a scared little boy who is running away from the first good man he’s ever met, besides moi,” He responds, with a bit of humor in his tone but Even can’t stop the butterflies in his stomach from making him feel sick. Even didn’t realize how long he had been silent. “Are you… not interested in Isak anymore?” Eskild asks, nervously.

“No! I mean, yes,” Even stutters, panicking, “N-No, I mean, I’m – I still am interested. I want to…” He sighs. “I just… don’t know what to do. What am I supposed to say to him?”

“Say what you’re feeling,” Eskild says, straight up. “Tell him what you’re feeling and be honest. I don’t know if a man has ever been honest with him.”

“Shit,” Even sighs.

“Are you gonna fly back here?” He asks. Even bites his lip, staring at a smudge on his granite countertop.

“I don’t know,” He admits. “I don’t know if I want to voluntarily get hurt again by him,” He attempts a chuckle, but it falls flat. “I just… need to think about it, I think.”

“Okay, baby,” Eskild hums, and Even feels his heart clench at the sweet endearment. “Take your time, but not too much, I’m worried about my Issy, okay?”

“Okay,” Even smiles.

“Call me when you figure something out,” Eskild says, “Talk to you later,”

“Okay,” Even responds and then Eskild hangs up. He exhales a big breath like he wasn’t really breathing that whole time. He practically collapses into a bar stool at his kitchen island. Running his fingers through his hair, he doesn’t even know where to start.

~~~

It’s been three days and Even has no clue what to do. He’s never felt so scared about a boy, or girl for that matter. It was kind of a blessing when Mikael called him to invite him to grab coffee.

“So… he drunk called you?” Even can see the smirk on Mikael’s face, revealing how hard he’s trying to hold in his laughter.

“Yes, bro,”

“And he admitted to not wanting to reject you?”

“Yes,”

“Why the fuck are you still here?” Mikael asks. Even snaps his head away from the café menu to glare at his best friend.

“What?”

“Why aren’t you on a plane to San Francisco to go make lovey-dovey heart eyes at Isak?”

“Bro, I can’t just fly back to San Francisco based on a drunk call!” Even reminds him. Mikael’s eyebrows furrow together, annoyed. He hums to himself, looking deep in thought while Even steps forward to order drinks for them.

Once they have their coffees, they sit at a table near the window and Even stares out at the people walking by.

“So, that’s it? You’re giving up on Isak?” Mikael asks.

“I didn’t say that,” He groans, “I just… I don’t know.”

“I mean I guess if it was just a random drunk call then maybe you’re right. He was just wasted and shit,” Mikael shrugs. Even tilts his head in thought.

“Well… Eskild called me too,” Even admits. Mikael lets out a sharp laugh that makes Even cringe.

“Bro. Come on,” Mikael tsks. “What’d he say?”

“He thinks I should fly there as well,” Even sort of chuckles. Mikael laughs again.

“So he said Isak wants you there or?”

“He just thinks Isak was scared and rejected me to, like, protect himself,” Even shrugs. Mikael hums.

“So, you have that in common.”

“Huh?”

“You’re both fucked up,” Mikael smirks as Even scoffs.

“Real funny, Mik,” He rolls his eyes. “But… yeah, Eskild says he thinks I’d be good for Isak, and I just didn’t know what to say to that.”

“Hm,” Mikael hums. “You like Isak?”

“Yeah,” Even answers right away.

“I think you gotta let him know,” Mikael says.

“What if he rejects me again?”

“Then he’s an idiot.”

Even tsks. “He’s not an idiot.”

“Then he won’t reject you,” Mikael smirks, as if he was some sort of genius. Even rolls his eyes.

“It’s not that simple,” He says.

“Alright, maybe you’re right, but the Even I know would never shy away from a big romantic gesture,” Mikael points out, and Even can’t help but smile. “Do you have a plan I don’t know about?”

“Maybe,” Even says, acting coy. Mikael chuckles.

“That’s more like it,” He jokes. “What is it?”

“I think I’ll keep it a surprise,” Even smirks as Mikael scoffs. They spend the rest of their coffee date chatting about movies coming out and other bullshit Even wasn’t fully paying attention to. He can’t stop thinking about green eyes and a curly mess of blonde hair.

~~~

Even uploads two videos a month usually. It’s been his upload schedule for years now and he knows Isak knows this. He has hope that Isak hasn’t fully forgotten about him in just a week.

He knows it may sound silly, but he’s never felt this way before, with anyone, in his whole life. He’s never felt so enamored by someone. He wants to float when he hears his voice and he wants to melt into his arms, skin, hair, just melt right in. He could sleep forever in those arms, soft and supple like warm sheets. Picturing Isak beside him undoes every thought in his mind. Replaying the sound of Isak’s voice in his mind renders him useless. But, he could fly to San Francisco tomorrow and it wouldn’t matter. It won’t feel like home until Isak is his home. Isak isn’t his and Even isn’t Isak’s and it’s killing him.

He’s never felt this lost before. He’s never felt like he could give up everything for a person. A person he barely knows but feels like he met a lifetime ago. Isak doesn’t understand. Even knows him. He knows how in love they could be. Even knows how crazy he sounds, but that’s how he gets sometimes. Isak buried a hole in Even’s chest and he’s living in it, burrowed deep down in between his ribs where he thinks his heart is supposed to be.

So, he makes a confessional for him. A YouTube video the boy is sure to see – detailing all his feelings, saying all the things he should’ve said.

He sets up the camera in his bedroom and presses record. He never films videos like this, it feels so weird. In the only other video he filmed like this he was telling his audience that he’s pansexual, and honestly, that wasn’t as nerve-wracking as this video feels. He goes to sit on the edge of his bed and just stares into the camera.

He knows what he’s written. He knows his lines. Just say them.

“For you,” He starts, and there’s no going back now. “For you, I have to let you know what I’ve been feeling the past few months. Before I even met you, I was crazy about you. You have… bewitched me, body and soul,” Even smirks.

“I think my heart… my heart is, and always will be, yours. You are the epitome of everything I have ever looked for in another human being. I can’t see anything I don’t like about you. You’re the coolest person I’ve met and you don’t even have to try. And most of all, I’m scared of walking away and never feeling my whole life the way I feel when I’m with you. Because it’s not over, it wasn’t over, it still isn’t over, I wish I knew how to quit you. I do. Don’t hold that against me, I’m a little screwy,” He chuckles. He’s always liked that line.

“I love that you get stressed about assignments that aren’t due for weeks. I love when you roll your eyes at everything, probably even at me right now. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you’re looking at me like I’m crazy. I love that I could spend an entire day with you and miss you when I dream. I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And I haven’t slept well in more than a week. You complete me,” Even urges. He takes a deep breath and with a smile, he says, “I want to wear your initial on a chain around my neck. Not because you own me, but because you really know me. You know me. And I know you.”

“This was for you,” Even says pointedly before standing up to cut the camera. As soon as he cuts the camera, he falls back onto his bed. Fuck.

~~~

It takes him hours to post the video. He’s not even editing it. He wants to upload it completely uncut. He’s never done that before, not once. He even managed to make his coming-out video feel like a film. This had to be different though. He was sitting on his bed, the YouTube video uploader open. His video has been ready to upload for the past hour. All he’s been able to do is stare at the thumbnail.

What if Isak never sees it? What if this is all for nothing and Even still ends up alone? Fuck that. This has to work. Even will die before losing Isak over stupid insecurities and hasty rejections.

The greatest films of all time were never made.

Yeah, Even has been listening to a lot of Taylor Swift. It’s cathartic, okay? She’s a poet and he’s dealing with a heartbreak. Well, kind of.

Anyway, he titles it “for you”, like the Troye Sivan song. He figures it’s a good sentiment, and it makes sense. He fucking hopes Isak’s heard the song, but he doubts it. This all may go right over Isak’s head, but maybe, possibly, hopefully, he’ll get the message. Directly to him. For you.

He quickly writes “you know the greatest films of all time were never made” in the description and quickly clicks the publish button before he can back out.

“Fuck,” He closes his laptop and throws it forward on his bed, hoping to get it away from him. Maybe if he pretended like none of this happened, it’ll all disappear. He opens his laptop again to power it down. There. Now the video is out there, and he can pretend he doesn’t exist for a day or two. Or three. Or a week.

He gets under his covers, even though it’s barely half-past 21:00. He pulls his covers over his head and puts his phone on do not disturb. He’ll just pretend he doesn’t exist. That will be good.

He opens up Netflix and pours his attention into watching a show. He’ll just pretend he doesn’t exist for a little bit.