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“I don’t see why I have to be present when all of these self-important people show up,” Thor muttered for perhaps the hundredth time (or so it seemed to the others who were forced to be in his company). “Besides, these fancy shoes are pinching my feet,” he complained as he clumped around his bedroom, bowlegged and acting as if he’d never worn shoes before. And indeed, the way he was behaving, almost anything from freshly shod horses to ducks with huge clumps of dried mud on their webbed feet were more graceful than he was being at the moment. By the ungainly manner in which he was getting around, one would never believe that he was civilized, let alone the Prince Regent of an honored municipality and considered to be quite marriageable.
“Now, darling, don't carry on so. It isn't as if you were being flogged in the public square, you know,” his mother Frigga soothed as she tried to smooth the fancy morning coat over his bulging shoulder muscles without much success.
"I might as well be, for as ridiculous as I feel," Thor grumbled.
“Hush, now! It will only be for a little while that you will have to be wearing these dress shoes.”
“Then I will be allowed to go around barefooted to relieve my blistering feet?” he asked hopefully as he turned to his mother. “And I can put on my leather shirt and pants so I can look like a regular guy again? I promise to put on my leather boots as soon as my feet stop aching. Better yet, can I wear the outfit I like to wear?" he asked with shining eyes. "It's dressy. Even has a red cape. And I can carry my hammer!”
“Thor Odinson!” Frigga scolded. “Stop acting as if you're being tortured! Besides, you cannot meet foreign dignitaries dressed as a cartoon character.”
Of course Frigga should have known that Thor would take umbrage with what she'd said. And he did. He was sort of proud what he did for mankind in general and Asgard in particular when it came to fighting the bad guys. “Excuse me, Mother, but those are my work clothes as a mighty hero and defender of my people.”
“That might be your hobby, dear. And it is nice that you have that pastime to distract you from your real work."
Thor rolled his eyes, but did not bother to explain the difference between hobbies and pastimes as opposed to mighty deeds of daring-do when it came to protecting civilization as they knew it. He was making a real contribution, but it was sort of humiliating if his own mother didn't appreciate what he did for mankind!
Thinking she had won, Frigga continued, "Now you must act the part of what you really are: the inheritor of the Asgardian throne.”
“But, Mom--” Thor whined and came within an inch of stamping his foot. But he remembered in time that the shoe would pinch worse if he did that. Besides, Frigga would really get in a snit and he might not get to have any Rommegrot cream pudding for dessert. And he really liked Rommegrot cream pudding!
"Do not ‘but Mom’ me! Stop acting like a spoiled child! And straighten up! Don’t hunch! That morning coat cost a lot of money! You're straining the seams the way it is.”
That instant rebuff drew a snicker from the other person in the room. Thor sneered at him. “Stop acting so carefree, Loki! I’ll appoint you to be regent in my place at this state visit, and I’ll go on an extended hunting trip with the guys until all of these strangers tire of their charade and return to their own homelands.”
“Oh, I wouldn’t deprive you of this adventure! Just think of the opportunity you will have to set all sorts of maidenly hearts aflutter! You in your handsome morning coat and shining black shoes! You will be the very image of every maiden's dreams and desires!” Loki reassured him from the depths of a chair where he was lounging.
"Loki--" Thor rumbled and set the chickens to cackling in the henyard and looking nervously at the skies for ominous storm clouds.
Loki sent him a flirty look. “Besides, the Danish princess would be so sad to have missed you if you go hunting before her arrival. I understand that she wears a lock of your hair on a chain near her heart. It’s inside a family heirloom. A heavy golden heart. That is so romantic!” he said with an affected sigh.
“How in the hell did Princess Adelheid get a lock of my hair?!” Thor roared.
“That certainly is a mystery,” Loki remarked as he checked his fingernails. “Isn’t it?” He nailed Thor with his piercing eyes. “Less so when you consider that you are a prince in need of a young lady to make a suitable marriage alliance. A certain young lady who needed to receive a personal token of your undying interest in her. Perhaps gathered after our Prince Regent had gotten his hair trimmed by someone near and dear to him?”
Thor whirled. “Mother!”
“Now, dear, you know that it is high time that you marry…. And it was a shame to throw away such pretty hair.”
“Maybe. But I will do my own selecting, thank you!”
“But Princess Adelheid comes from good stock. And an alliance with Denmark would surely put a conclusion to this endless war we have had with that sorry kingdom for lo, these many years.”
“Good stock?! Good stock, you say?!" Thor rumbled and sent nervous chickens scattering in all directions outside. "Let us survey the facts we know about this royal family that supposedly comes from such 'good stock!' King Hamlet killed his own mother Gertrude after she took up with her brother-in-law Claudius! And that was after that gentleman had killed his own brother to make himself king! And Adelheid’s own mother Ophelia was snatched out of a brook where she had tried to drown herself! Never was the same after that, they say. Of course, she wasn’t too stable to start out with! I understand she talks in rhymes and riddles now and sings bawdy songs about a maiden losing her virginity! Ought to be entertaining at the dinner table, though. Father will love her! Odin’s got a streak of vulgarity running clear through him, despite what he claims! And Hamlet! He walks around with some guy’s skull in his hand and talks to it all the time! Has what they call 'soliloquies' with it. That’s the ‘good stock’ you wish me to marry into?!”
“Dear,” Frigga soothed. “Perhaps a lot of that is hearsay. Jealous people can get a lot of stories started that are so exaggerated about people of quality.”
“I don’t know about that. I think they're more than just stories,” Loki offered. “Some guy down in England is writing a play about Hamlet and that whole weird tribe in the Danish palace. He’s calling it, ‘Something’s Rotten In Denmark,’ or something along those lines. It’s supposed to be quite entertaining. And it will be if he includes some of Ophelia’s songs in it. I know one thing for certain, though. I’d lay down some serious money to go see that play.”
“Honestly, Loki,” Frigga said. “We do not need you to muddy the waters.”
“Strange,” Loki returned. “I thought that was what the brook said to Ophelia when she tried to drown herself in it.”
“Loki Odinson! Really!”
“I thought it was rather clever myself,” Thor said with a grin.
“Then you’ll like this, Brother. With Hamlet for a father and Ophelia for a mother, do you know what Princess Adelheid is called behind her back?” Loki asked.
“What?” Thor’s grin got larger.
“Thor! Do not encourage him!”
“No, really. I’d like to know what is being said about her.”
“Well, with both parents having questionable mental stability, Adelheid is called ‘addle headed.’ I understand it’s fitting, too. She talks to things that can’t answer back. Things like four-legged animals living in the forest. And moss growing on the north side of trees. She wants to know if it truly is north, or if the tree is just trying to fool people and get them lost.”
Frigga gasped, but Thor chuckled and said, “Figures.”
“Thor, that may be your future wife," Frigga informed him. "I understand she is quite a lovely young lady with a slim waist and long, blonde hair. She is also quite accomplished as she plays the pianoforte and speaks three languages.”
"Is any of them something that people can understand?" Loki purred. "Or just the trees?"
"Loki, we can do without your smart remarks. Keep it up and you will have to leave."
Loki grabbed the arms of the chair and acted like he was going to pull himself out of it. "Gladly!"
“Let him stay, Mother," Thor said as he waved Loki back down. Loki complied with an exaggerated huff. "He's helping me. He's my moral support. As for Adelheid, I’ll have to know what I’m defending if I marry this comely wench.”
“Son, Princess Adelheid is a lady, not a, a comely wench! That is a name for a common woman and not acceptable at all!”
“At least a comely wench would stand a good chance of not being crazy,” Loki put in. He was having way too much fun with this conversation and how it was evolving.
“Loki, that is quite enough of that!” Frigga thundered. “You are not helping matters any.”
Loki held up his hands in innocence. “Just protecting my brother. After all, that would be my job as Best Man. Might as well start now. Sounds like wedding bells are going to start ringing at any time at Asgard Palace and for Thor. Better get my own best duds out and ready for the big event.”
“There isn’t going to be a wedding anytime soon!” Thor proclaimed in exasperation.
“Thor. Dearest. You know your obligation to the crown--”
“Mother. I know my obligation to myself. And that’s to marry whom I choose. And no one else.”
“Royalty does not always have a choice, dear. Alliances have to be made. If you aren’t careful, your father will get that English merchant back up here with his marriageable daughter. The daughter took quite a liking to you, if you recall.”
“Jack Sprat and Jull?!” Thor bellowed, and thunder rolled in the next valley. “Sprat was so skinny and she was so fat! So was Mrs. Sprat until she keeled over from heart failure from eating everything in sight! We're just lucky that Mrs. Sprat waited until they got home before she did that! But the daughter’s picking up where her mother left off! I understand she’s one dimension now! Round!”
“But she was such a jolly thing, Thor. And went along with everything we suggested,” Frigga reminded him.
“Of course she did! As long as you handed her a turkey leg or a three-egg omelet, she’d go along with murdering people in the streets! She’d kill her own father for a joint of beef! And don’t offer a suckling pig to her! She wouldn’t wait for the butcher to kill the poor thing! If it objected when it was handed to her, that would be the last squeal that little porker would ever utter! One thing for certain. It’d be quick for the little guy! She could probably bite right through its neck! Not even bones would stop her when she'd start feeding! One brief 'Oink!' and that would be it! And I don't know if that would be coming from the little piggy or her!”
“Thor, you’re getting agitated, dear.” Frigga sniffed. “And rather gross.”
“How could you tell?!” he bellowed, and lightning struck three nearby trees and killed a horse out in the pasture.
“Dear, calm yourself. I am sure that some sort of equitable arrangement could be made. If you are so adamant about your position of marrying whom you choose, that is.”
“I am QUITE... adamant,” Thor declared, rolling his shoulders and trying to control his quick temper. But at least he had lowered his voice to more acceptable levels. Frigga and Loki weren’t having to brace themselves every time Thor opened his mouth and drew in breath to speak. Or in his case, bellow.
“I just wish for you to remember something important, dear. Politics need to be considered.”
“And so does my heart, Mother. That’s important, too. And I'll do what my heart tells me... not a royal decree.”
“Such a disobedient son!”
“Mother. We are not talking childish pranks here or not respecting religious platitudes such as Loki is prone to commit just for the sake of making a merry jest to entertain us."
"Hey!" Loki protested. "I'm still in the room! And I do have feelings that are easily hurt, you know! Despite the brave front I put up, I am quite easily crushed," he finished with a self-righteous sniff and a hangdog look on his face as if he had just suffered a great tragedy.
"That'll be the day. Brave front, my cold Northland ass!" Thor ridiculed him, while trying not to grin. He knew when Loki was being over-dramatic for effect.
"Thor! Language!" Frigga pointed out.
That was so unfair! "He started it!" Thor protested, pointing his finger at Loki who was trying to look angelic and innocent. And why shouldn't he? He had gotten Thor in trouble. Just like he used to do when they were kids.
"I do not care who started it, I just want it finished," Frigga said with an elegant sniff. "You have to be the larger person here, Thor."
"He IS the larger person here," Loki gleefully pointed out. "He'd crush me if he fell on me.... Or was looming over me for some other reason."
Thor sent him a glare and a promise about what would happen when he caught Loki alone. Loki returned the look with a dare of his own and almost a wink. And just like that, Thor's anger against Loki melted. Indeed it was all that Thor could do to keep from laughing. Loki could make him instantly so angry and then bring Thor out of it quicker than anybody else whom Thor could name. Loki may be an aggravating pest, but he was Thor's aggravating pest. And Thor loved every inch of Loki's impertinent body and always would.
"Now what were we discussing? Oh, yes. My blushing bride," Thor muttered, then went back to his mother. "We are talking about the person who will be with me throughout the rest of my life. Or, the person’s life.” He smirked. “Whichever comes first. And I can guarantee that it won’t be me headed for Valhalla first. It will be a long, LONG time before I assume my rightful place in that worthy place. Until then, I fully intend to outlive my esteemed spouse by years!”
“Ha! Ha!” Loki spoke instead of laughing as he slumped in his chair. “That will be fun to watch, Thor. You and your spouse trying to cheat Death. Every week will be a new suspense at the Palace. Which one of the newlyweds will survive the other? And how will death be attempted this time?" He got a crafty look on his face. "Strangulation? Poison? Maybe even-- Dare I say it?-- love potions that really aren't? But which speak the truth about this sham of a marriage.”
“Oh, Loki!” Frigga complained in exaggeration. “You are adding nothing to the discussion!”
“Oh, but I believe I am, Mother,” Loki objected. “This way Thor could begin his planning now. Get a head start on the Little Woman. Stock up on knives. Hide them in convenient places, like his sock drawer. Or his bed. She'd never think of looking there, because she will never be in it!”
“Mother’s right, Little Brother. You are being a smart ass. Excuse my language, Mother,” he said, turning to Frigga.
“On the contrary, Dear. I believe that was an appropriate place for such a label. And it certainly describes Loki's questionable behavior today.”
"Well, you will have to excuse me, but I do have a good reason. I am preparing to give my brother away," Loki said in a sullen voice.
"And that will affect you?" Frigga asked in surprise.
Loki glanced up and saw the same startled look on Thor's face that Frigga wore. "Of course not," Loki quickly amended and got an indifferent tone in his voice. "Why would Thor's marriage bother me very much? Just because I won't be seeing much of him after that happy event won't bother me at all." That's when Loki saw Thor's face darken and grow troubled. He knew when Loki was lying.
"Oh, Loki, really!" Frigga said in exasperation. "Stop trying to make everything that happens about you!"
"Yes, Loki," Thor echoed woodenly. "What's going on with you anyway? Why should my marriage bother you?"
"Why should anything be going on with me?" Loki asked. "It's supposed to be a joyous occasion for all! I can hardly wait to party!"
Thor's frown only deepened. Certain facts weren't adding up the way Loki was implying. Facts like Loki shadowing him ever since a royal marriage for Thor had been first suggested. Facts like Loki asking him all sorts of questions just to have Thor's attention for as many minutes as Thor would allow. Facts like a certain sadness about Loki when he wasn't keeping his guard up. Facts like an anxiousness that Thor hadn't seen from Loki in a long time.
Loki did not like that strange look in Thor's eyes like he was thinking hard about something and almost had it figured out. Suddenly Loki didn't want any more personal questions being asked about his motives. “Hey! You’re ganging up on me!” he protested, trying to change the subject.
“Just be glad that you aren’t the heir to the Asgardian throne. Therefore you are not subject to royal marriages,” Frigga said. “That is the only perk you do enjoy, though, being younger.”
“I know,” Loki said with a sigh. “I am just Loki, son of King Laufey, the leader of the Giants of Jotunheim, one of the Nine Worlds. Hanger-on at the court of Odin, King of the Gods, and the God of Mischief himself.”
Thor and Frigga both jerked and stared at each other with the same look on their faces.
"What?" Loki asked, wondering what he'd said to surprise them so much. He wasn't telling them anything they didn't already know.
Maybe not, but he had reminded them of it.
Frigga was the first to speak. “Loki, dear. That is correct. Your father was a king…. Wasn’t he?” she asked sweetly.
“Sure he was. Of the Frost Giants. So?”
"So you have the prestige of being a notable that could make royal alliances."
Loki shrugged. "Well, I suppose I could."
“So you could marry someone instead of Thor.”
“Hey!” Loki protested.
“That could ease a lot of tension,” Frigga continued with a warm smile at Thor.
“Not for me!” Loki protested. "I've seen the candidates! And I protest!"
“I’m liking this idea,” Thor said with a satisfied smile. “And that’s two out of three votes in favor.”
“Sorry, but my one vote carries a lot of clout,” Loki pointed out. “I’m not in the notion of getting married. And if I was, I’d rather marry Thor quicker than I would Adelheid from the House of Crazy, or Jull, whom I probably couldn’t even get my arms around! Why don't you marry me, Thor, and save us both from a fate worse than death!”
"But someone needs to make a sacrifice so this alliance will be respected!" Frigga pointed out. "Somebody needs to get married!"
“Alright," Thor said. "If that's all it takes for a marriage alliance to bind two houses, then I’ll marry Loki."
“Huh?” Loki asked.
“What?!” Frigga screamed.
“You asked me to marry you," Thor reminded Loki. "And I'm saying, ‘yes.’”
“That wasn’t exactly what I said…. Was it?” Loki asked, bewildered.
“Granted, it was a little convoluted, but it was still there," Thor said. "And it was still a legitimate proposal. You have to watch what you say if you’re going to be around politicians and diplomats. The wrong words can get you mired down really easily.”
“Looks like it,” Loki muttered. He'd always figured himself a sharper thinker than Thor. Maybe not. “Suddenly I’m engaged. When’s the wedding, Brother?” Loki agreed, going along with the ruse, but wondering where this was all headed.
“Whenever you say. The quicker the better, so I can stop being an eligible bachelor and can go back to hunting. Reindeer season is just opening up.”
“So quickly the honeymoon is over,” Loki said with an exaggerated sigh. "My first disappointment. Coming in second to a reindeer. I just hope it's a young and pretty one. It would be such an insult otherwise."
"I promise," Thor reassured him. "Even you would be impressed with what I can bag with my spear. And how I can thrust." He paused. "With my spear."
Loki's head shot up.
Thor's eyes were burning with wickedness. "I've been told my thrust is quite powerful, Brother. And hits the mark every time. My quarry never has a chance. But didn't complain about anything, either."
Loki just stopped himself from gasping aloud. What the f-- was Thor trying to tell him?!
“You two cannot do this!” Frigga protested. “I want grandchildren!”
“The village is full of them, Mother,” Thor answered, turning away from the stunned Loki. “Loki and I have been busy. Take your pick. Blonde or brunette. Both kinds are readily available.”
“Legitimate grandchildren! Ones that will inherit!”
Thor looked at Loki. “Want to gamble for who has to do that little chore? And with whom? Or shall we just have a duel? Pistols or rapiers? Loser beds some other loser to produce a child to please Mum here.”
“It will have to be you. I was planning on being on the bottom in our relationship anyway," Loki put in rashly. "But I’m protesting if gaming for your favors is part of the deal.”
“Really?” Thor grinned. “Bottom, you say? Didn’t know you’d planned that far ahead.”
“I take care of all contingencies. Besides, I always did have it figured that way," he muttered almost to himself, then brought himself back to the present. "You just have to promise not to crush me. You're a pretty big guy, and I don't want to die on my wedding night.”
Thor waggled his eyebrows. "But what a way to go. Right? I promise to make it memorable. For you, anything."
Loki studied Thor, then broke out in a grin. This just might work! Even if it was a sham.
"You're on, Brother."
"I'm not now," Thor answered. "But I soon can be. We can have a rehearsal before the wedding night. In fact, I think I'd like that a lot."
"Really?" Loki's eyes were beginning to widen and sparkle as he realized that Thor was being serious. "Is this for real?" he asked breathlessly. THOR WANTED... HIM?! THAT WAY?!
"As real as I can make it," Thor promised with his own eyes sparkling. "For a lifetime. And then in Valhalla forever. What do you say? You and me forever. I'll ask YOU this time. Tell me what I'm wanting to hear, won't you?" he asked softly. "Tell me that you will have me. Because I sure want to have you."
Loki's mouth dropped open and his eyes watered instantly. And they said 'yes,' even if his lips couldn't.
"But don't you start crying!" Thor appealed. "I can take about anything except you hurt in any way!"
Loki's smile was dazzling as his tears began to dissipate. "For you, anything," Loki murmured as he repeated Thor's vow to him. Then, "Yes. Yes. Yes!"
Thor grinned at him.
“Thor! Loki! Be serious!”
“We are, Mother,” Thor answered, turning to Frigga. “I love Loki. I always have. And it sounds like he loves me. I think that’s all it takes." He checked with Loki who nodded his head. There were even more misty tears in his eyes. So sentimental! And Thor loved it! "Plus, we're two consenting adults.”
“I agree,” Loki put in. "With everything Thor is saying."
“And I do, too.” Thor gave Loki a soft look. "More and more."
Loki had the grace to blush, but he didn't look sad and sullen anymore, either. In fact he looked happy and quite excited. And for some reason, that made Thor feel so lighthearted that he nearly laughed out-loud.
Just wait until he got Loki alone!
“Your father will have a coronary,” Frigga said in a tired voice. She knew when she was defeated. She'd seen that soft look pass between her two boys and knew it meant forever. She'd also seen their happiness and excitement. What mother didn't want that for her children?
“He’ll also have two happy sons who will form a solid marriage and a united front," Thor told her. "We’ll be a good example for all sorts of people for what a marriage should be. I think that should count for something.”
“It does. Don’t worry. I’ll handle your father. He just doesn’t know how much he’s going to love this idea.” Frigga smiled. "He just hasn't realized it yet."