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Bucky had suggested it, at first. Purely tactical. But it had grown into this… thing, between him and Sam. The internet had picked up on it, Sharon had picked up on it, hell, even Torres and Parker had.
It shouldn’t have even been weird! It’s the twenty-first century, two men can hold hands without it being gay!
But that’s the problem. Sam was completely, irreversibly in love with his coworker. And holding hands with him while he shot with stunning accuracy? Sam didn’t have a competency kink, but this was enough to give him one.
And, hot damn, his hands were pretty. Rough and calloused, sure, but warm and comforting and shit , it was concerning how much Sam thought about them.
It didn’t help how much everyone else teased them about it. Sharon had said, “Holding hands? Before marriage? Barnes, this is scandalous.”
Bucky had been as stone-cold as ever, merely rolling his eyes and finishing a mission report. But Sam had been stuck with the idea of marrying him. Walking down the aisle, seeing Bucky in a suit and tie, smiling at each other…
Yeah, Sam was in deep.
“Hey, Sammy,” Bucky called (Sam ignored the feeling in his stomach at the nickname). “You seen the latest name for this hand-holding stuff? The Internet’s calling us the ‘Human Carousel of Death’. Honestly, that one sounds cooler than when they were talking about ‘rom-com tropes.’”
Another thing: Bucky found this funny. When people thought they were dating (Example: Some girl had come up to them on the street and said ‘Oh my gosh, you two are so cute together!’) he rolled his eyes and snickered. When people made jokes about their hand-holding in battles, he smiled brightly and chuckled (Bringing butterflies- No, an entire-ass zoo into Sam’s stomach.)
Sam decided to take a risk. “Hey, if we were in a rom-com, which dumb tropes would we be?”
“Huh.” Bucky thought for a second. “Probably the gay best friend of the protagonist.”
Well, that was new information. Sam’s heart soared for a moment, before realizing that queer doesn’t mean he likes you. He might be into guys, but there’s a whole lot of other guys on this planet that he’d like better.
“No, dumbass, I mean, like, main character tropes. But being the gay best friemd automatically makes you the funniest character in the movie,” he finally said.
“Of course it does!” Bucky replied. “And, uh, probably the big-city guy, moving to the country for the first time. You know, like, he doesn’t like horses and doesn’t know how to drive a tractor?”
“Good choice, I’m surprised you have that good taste.”
“I’m gonna ignore the insult there. What about you?”
“Eh, probably the small-town boy who has to teach the city kid how shit works. That’s how I am with you, anyway.”
Bucky laughed, and it made Sam’s head go a little fuzzy. Damn, he was whipped for this man. “Only you can set up a perfect love story between us then insult me in the same breath.”
“It’s a gift.” Those words, love story, weighed on his mind. Some kind of confession was on the tip of his tongue, but Bucky spoke before he could muster the courage.
“I mean, not a love story . ‘Cause you’re not into guys, and even if you were, you’re not into me,” he said. There was hurt behind these words, laced with awkwardness that Bucky always had, especially when he was being vulnerable.
Hang on a minute, did Bucky just confess having feelings for Sam? He didn’t say anything about being interested in Sam, when it would’ve made a whole hell of a lot more sense if he had.
Then Bucky left the room, saying he was going to finish up some paperwork. Shit.
A few days later, they were outside some dive bar in Brooklyn that Bucky apparently used to go to before he got drafted for the War.
Spotting the flags outside, Sam felt the need to say something. “Uh, Buck? You didn’t tell me this place was a gay bar.”
“I didn’t?”
“Was it… was it a gay bar when you went here?”
“Yep.” Okay, something was up. Bucky used a lot of hedge words and stuttered, it was weird for him to be this blunt. “Lot less locks on the doors than back then.”
“I imagine so.”
They stepped inside, immediately accosted by the smell of beer and perfume. The music was loud, but not loud enough that Bucky started panicking (He’d learned this fact when he tried to take Bucky to a bar and they’d ended up on the floor of the bathroom, talking for hours and ignoring the fact that Bucky had just had a severe panic attack.)
Bucky walked up to someone, gave them a hug and then kissed their hand. The person dramatically threw their hand over their face, and they both started laughing. “Sammy!” he shouted. “Come meet my friend!”
Sam walked over, and shook the hand of a short person with curly brown hair. “Parker, they/it pronouns,” they said.
“Sam, umm, he/him.”
They smirked. “Barnes! This the boytoy-who-you’re-not-really-dating?”
Bucky actually blushed. He never did that. Damn, this was a whole new, ten times more attractive side of him.
Parker smiled. It seemed to delight in embarrassing Bucky. “Anyways, I have to go! Sexy non-binary crimes to commit, you know how it is. Ta-ta!” They waggled their fingers.
“Look at you. Having friends!” Sam exclaimed, delighting in the genuine smile he got in response.
“Yeah, the first time I came back here was, uh, interesting, to say the least. Parker’s grandfather ran the place when I used to come here. It’s as annoying as its’ grandpa, trust me.” Bucky rubbed the back of his neck.
They sat at the bar, Sam absentmindedly twirling his glass. Bucky was somehow drunk (Steve wasn’t able to get drunk, so how could Bucky? He’d ask later.) He’d never seen Bucky drunk before and, honestly, it was a wild ride. Drunk Bucky liked to talk. A lot. It would’ve been awkward if it hadn’t been so cute.
“Sammy, I’ve got a problem,” he drawled. Bucky already had a thick Brooklyn accent, but being drunk made it worse. Sam pretended he didn’t find it attractive as hell.
“What is it?”
“So. There’s a guy I like. And we're friends, you know?” It hurt to hear Bucky talk about liking someone else, but Sam wanted to help. He was good with people. He knew how.
“Yeah.”
“And I really, really, really like the guy. But he doesn’t see it! And I’m pretty sure he’s straight. But, damn, I wish crushing on a straight guy made him like you. Been hoping for that for years, y’know.”
This was starting to sound familiar.
Then his eyes widened. “Oh, shit! Sorry! I just realized… you’re straight. I took you to a gay bar and started monologuing about a guy I like. That’s totally not fair to you, man.”
He leaned closer, and Sam desperately tried to shove his feelings in that imaginary box in his head. “I, um, I’m not straight, if that helps. I’m pansexual.”
“That’s fuckin’ awesome, babe!”
Getting called ‘babe’ by Bucky felt… different. Natural. Like he didn’t want to be called anything else, ever. Sam couldn’t hold back a goofy grin.
“There’s that gorgeous smile, baby! Love to see it! Now, c’mon, we’re gonna get you shitfaced. On me.”
God, everything about what Bucky just said was perfect. Sam didn’t even try to protest about someone spending money on him.
At some point, it got so late and he and Bucky had drank so much that Parker called them a cab to go back to Bucky’s apartment. They’d stumbled inside and, not even bothering to take off their clothes, they flopped on Bucky’s bed.
Sam woke up the next morning to a glass of water beside the bed and a note saying ‘Drink this, you’ll feel better. I went out for groceries. Love, Bucky! :)’
Somehow, Sam was in way deeper than he previously thought.
Sam pulled out his phone and shot a text to Bucky.
Me: where r u
terminator but make it sexy: your grammar is awful
Me: not an a n s w e r
terminator but make it sexy: buying you flowers like the gentleman I am
terminator but make it sexy: jk im buying hangover meds for you
Me: wait a sec,, how do u not have a hangover
terminator but make it sexy: i think its something to do w/ the serum. can get drunk but none of the nasty stuff after
Me: and i dont have that ability?? asshole
terminator but make it sexy: id call up the ones who gave me the ability but theyre total dicks, trust me. I’ll be home in a few.
Sam tossed his phone on the bed and walked to the kitchen. Might as well get something to eat, then deal with emotions. That was always a good idea.
Bucky came back, so quiet on his feet Sam barely heard him. He handed Sam a pill and another glass of water, then commanded him to go back to bed.
“You can borrow some of my pajamas, if you want,” Bucky said. “If that’s not… weird for you.”
After that day, their relationship changed. It felt like they were on the precipice of something, tip toeing on the edge and trying desperately not to fall off into new territory.
“Hey, man, you gotta do it,” Clint urged. Somehow, they’d gotten roped into a game of Spin The Bottle at the Avengers Compound, several fully-grown people huddled around and playing a game for teenagers.
“No way,” Buck replied. “What if I end up having to kiss, like, Torres or something? Or Sharon? No thank you.”
“Spin the fuckin’ bottle, Barnes,” Yelena commanded. “We haven’t got all year. And besides, we all know you’re too scared that you’ll have to kiss Wilson and your top-secret crush will be revealed.” She said it completely deadpan, and it felt like time had stopped. Sam looked at Bucky, who wouldn’t meet his eyes.
“Fine.” Sam felt a newfound courage to risk it. He was still sure that there was no way Bucky could ever like him back, but it couldn’t hurt, right?
Sam spin the bottle, and, out of the corner of his eye, saw Wanda wiggle her fingers, but thought nothing of it.
Then the bottle stopped, pointing straight at Bucky.
Oh fuck.
Yelena snickered, and Clint and Torres rolled their eyes and took shots. Bucky was avoiding Sam’s gaze again. He scooted forward, feeling all too much like an awkward teenage boy asking out his crush.
Sam’s hand cradled Bucky’s face, the same way it had when they’d rolled into that field. He brought Bucky’s face closer to his and whispered, “If you don’t want this, I’ll stop. I’ll leave. Do you?”
Bucky’s ears were bright red. He was shaking his hands the way he did whenever he was anxious. But he whispered back, “I- I don’t know. I have to go.” He picked up his coat and left.
Everyone looked shocked. “That man will find a way to lose at Spin The Bottle,” Clint said. Wanda laughed.
“I’ve gotta go, too,” Sam said.
Yelena wolf-whistled, then shouted, “Hell yeah! Go get your man!!”
Sam bolted out of the room. He caught up with Bucky eventually, right outside the training room.
“What was that?” he asked. “Is- Are you okay?”
“I’m fine, Sam. I just- I just didn’t want to-”
“What? Kiss me? After you spilled your drunk guts about being in love with me? After you almost kissed me at the bar? After all those millions of little touches that I was so sure meant something? You can’t just act like you want me. You have to try.” There were tears in both their eyes now, trying not to break down in tears.
Then Bucky lurched forward and held his face. “I do want you. And I’m scared, and I don’t want everyone to see how much I want you. Every time I look at you, my heart rips in half because I want you so bad but I’m so terrified of this.”
“Why?! Why are you so scared? There’s nothing keeping us apart!”
Sam could see Bucky’s walls being built up again. “You’re too good, Sam. You’re strong and intelligent and the funniest guy I have ever met. But everyone I’ve ever cared for like this is gone, hates me or dead. And I can’t let you get hurt like that. I know you think that everything will be okay, but we’re not invincible. No matter how much we think we are.”
Bucky grasped Sam’s hands. “I can’t hurt you like I’ve hurt everyone else.” He let go. “Bye, Sam.”
Sam stood there, unable to move from the spot as he walked away. He heard Wanda call out for him, and he left.
The next two weeks were torture. Bucky barely talked to him, only passing words on missions. It wasn’t for lack of trying, though. Sam had been avoiding him ever since, too angry at Bucky for letting his own baggage get in the way of being happy. With Sam.
Torres got fed up eventually and started nagging Sam about talking to him.
“I don’t understand what’s going on with you two,” he said one day. “I mean, one minute you two are thick as thieves and the next, you’re acting like you don’t know each other!”
Sam rolled his eyes. “It’s not that simple. Barnes doesn’t know how healthy relationships work and it’s not my job to teach him.” He looked at his hands, empty and cold without his best friends’ warmth.
After two weeks, Sam had started to get used to life without Bucky.
It was pouring buckets outside, faint rumbles of thunder rattling Sam’s window frame and lightning illuminating his chair beside the window. He heard a knock at the door. Who would be dumb enough to go out in this?
Sam opened the door, revealing a very soaked Bucky. He was holding a bunch of lilies, their stems crushed and almost broken. He looked like hell.
He looked gorgeous.
“What the fuck are you doing here, man?” Sam asked. Bucky thrust the lilies into his hand.
“I’m sorry. I- I was scared, and I hurt you, and I’m sorry. What can I do to fix it?”
Sam took a step backwards. “Who are you and what have you done with my good friend James?”
“I- I did a lot of thinking, after I left-”
“Doing anything for the first time is difficult, I feel your pain.”
“Whatever. And I care about you, I really do, and I want to try something with you. A romantic something.”
“I- Buck, I care about you, too. And I want to try something with you. But can we be friends for a little while longer? I don’t want to rush into this.”
“Okay. I don’t want to hurt you again, and if this is the way to do it, then let’s do it.”
It seems redundant to say that their relationship changed after that, but it did.
They were closer, definitely, and it wasn’t as excruciating as it had been before all this, but it hurt, sometimes. Sam wanted more out of them, sure, but he didn’t want to rush into something new. He’d done it with Riley and with Steve, and both those had ended in disaster.
But Bucky felt different. After they had stopped talking, he was more measured in his words and actions, doing his best to always make Sam feel better.
They went back to holding hands in battle, too, which the Internet definitely noticed.
“Sammy! Apparently, people are thinking we were together before. And then we broke up and got back together again? I dunno, the whole Internet invented some whole story for us.” Bucky was on the floor of Sam’s apartment, scrolling through his phone while Sam curled up on the couch and read a book.
“Really, honey? That reminds me… I wanted to talk. About us.” Bucky sat up at that, moving to the couch and taking Sam’s hands.
“I wasn’t trying to make you feel pressured about a relationship, I know you want to take this slow. Sorry,” he said.
“No, no! Nothing to be sorry about. I… I want a relationship with you. A romantic one. Would you be okay with… dating me, maybe?” Sam quirked one eyebrow.
Bucky looked surprised. “Of course I would! I mean, if that’s something you’re okay with.”
“Honey, I’m the one who asked you.”
He blushed. God, that was gorgeous. Bucky took Sam’s hands and kissed them gently. “Does that make us… boyfriends?”
Sam couldn’t help but laugh. “It does, doesn’t it?”
They’d come far, from constant fighting to holding hands to this new relationship.
And to think it all started with holding hands.