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He knows.
The words keep repeating —screaming— in Hailey’s mind.
He knows. He knows. He knows.
And Hailey can tell by the look on his face that Jay knows that she knows he knows.
Jay is just standing there, his eyes trained on her. He doesn’t speak a single word, just slightly tilts his head. He’s frozen in place, hands in his pockets. And for the first time in months, Hailey feels like he is looking right through her. Like he can finally see all of her. Even the dark and unwanted parts she so desperately wishes he would never have gotten to see. The parts of herself that even she wishes she never would have gotten to know.
The blonde visibly swallows, almost choking on a sob that’s trying to escape from her mouth. That she just barely manages to keep within.
It’s all too much and not enough at the same time, between the deafening silence and the piercing gaze of his familiar green eyes without that spark she usually finds in them. Eyes that once held all the love in the world for her, now filled with sadness, anguish, and the slightest hint of betrayal. Hailey is positive that getting stabbed twice in the abdomen would hurt less than having the love of her life look at her like she is a stranger in his bed —in fact, the faded scars on her stomach from her time in Robbery-Homicide confirm just that.
Hailey didn’t know that complete silence could be this loud. How the lack of words could speak such volumes.
It is enough to make Hailey convince herself that this is it . The beginning of the end. Their end.
He’s still just staring at her, like he is unsure how to start this conversation. And Hailey is absolutely certain that it will all end right here and now for them. That they cannot recover from this big secret that she had been keeping from him. Not as a couple, and perhaps not even as partners. The thought that she is about to lose him in every way forever nearly kills her.
The panic that overtook her entire body earlier that day comes rushing back. She tries to swallow again, hoping it will quell the negative feelings, but it no longer helps. Her heart is already beating rapidly in her chest, her muscles have become tense once again, her limbs start trembling like they are about to give out on her, and her breathing quickens. She can’t catch her breath any longer as if her lungs are unwilling to hold enough oxygen for her to breathe properly. And Hailey realizes how fitting that is, seeing that she is the one who took Roy’s breath away when she put two bullets in his chest.
The growing panic settling into her bones is enough to make the blonde crawl backwards on the bed, pushing back against the headboard. Making herself feel smaller on their queen-sized bed. Wishing the pillows and covers could swallow her whole and provide her the escape she is so desperately seeking.
“Hailey.” His voice rings in her ears. It’s the first word that’s been spoken since she woke up and found him standing at the end of their bed staring at her. His voice is so gentle, almost too gentle. And Hailey believes that she would prefer if he would just scream at her, yell out his frustrations. That she knows how to deal with. A lifetime with an abusive father and years on the job preparing her for that type of reaction, but nothing Hailey has ever come across in her life had prepared her for the faint disappointment she detects in Jay’s soft and caring voice as he spoke her name just now.
It’s enough to break her.
A loud sob leaves her mouth, and it only takes Jay three strides to get to her side of the bed.
His sudden movement startles her. Hailey involuntarily jumps toward the center of the bed. Creating more distance between her and Jay. Immediately cursing at herself when she notices how his face falls as he reluctantly takes a step away from their bed, even farther from her.
And if she thought she couldn’t handle the look in his eyes before, the one he is giving her now absolutely destroys her.
It’s the last thing she wants: being the reason Jay is hurting, pulling away from him when all he wants to do is pull her closer. But she couldn’t stop her own reflex to his sudden and unexpected movement. Her body has been on high alert for weeks now ever since she killed Roy, and it’s bringing back unwanted memories of a house she never felt safe in growing up. Memories that Hailey had tried to block out a long time ago. So the moment he started moving quicker than she anticipated, her body betrayed her, reacting on instincts that helped her survive her past. Reminding her of too many nights in her childhood bedroom when she hid in her twin-sized bed with similar bruises covering her body. Trying to drown out all of the traumatizing things she had heard and seen, which she now had to live with forever.
It’s not that she wanted to flinch away from him —quite the opposite, she wants nothing more than to be held by him right now; but she is just not sure if she is deserving of that, of being on the receiving end of his love and affection—it’s that her body had taken over for her. Going back into survival mode, like it had had to too many times in her past.
Rationally, she knows Jay would never hurt her. She knows this more than anything else. But her brain is anything but rational right now. The whiskey she drank earlier, still coursing through her veins, clouding her judgement.
And for the first time that night, she wishes she hadn’t drank as much. It has done nothing to numb the pain anyway. Her cheeks and arms are still throbbing from where Bradley’s violent fists connected with her skin earlier that day. But that pain is nothing compared to the agony she feels, knowing that for weeks she has had to keep what happened with Voight and Roy in that warehouse from her partner and best friend. That she lied to him, multiple times.
And now the alcohol is nothing but a sobering reminder that her poor decision to shut Jay out has added to his pain and suffering too.
They’re both just hurting so much right now, and Hailey is unsure how she can put an end to it.
It feels like everything that could go wrong is doing just that at the moment in the worst possible way. Like she can’t catch a break. And it all becomes too much for her to handle. Hailey can feel the walls starting to close in on her, and unbeknownst to her, her breathing has started to pick up again. Which does not go unnoticed by her perceptive partner standing at her bedside.
“I’m gonna sit.” Jay’s eyes travel from the empty spot that Hailey had occupied earlier to her trembling frame in the middle of the mattress. “Is that alright with you?”
Still struggling to breathe, Hailey tries to find her voice, but no words come out. So she simply nods.
Jay acknowledges her with his eyes but doesn’t move.
Knowing he needs her to verbally confirm that she is okay with him sitting down next to her, Hailey takes a deep breath before a faint “Yeah” leaves her mouth. She hates how fragile and broken she sounds.
The blonde detective can’t stand to look at her partner, scared that once she does, she won’t be able to stop the tears from falling.
When nothing happens for another several long seconds, she becomes unsure if her voice was strong enough for Jay to even hear her, but then she finally feels the bed dip next to her.
He’s here. He didn’t leave or run. He’s still here. And for now, that’s enough.
They sit on their bed in silence, neither one of them sure what to say or do next.
It’s so quiet, Hailey is positive Jay can hear her heart racing in her chest. She’s done a decent job trying to get her breathing under control and she thinks she nearly has him fooled. That he can’t tell she’s on the verge of having another panic attack. But of course he notices. He knows her. Knows her better than she knows herself at times.
After a few more seconds, Jay lays his hand out on the duvet. A silent offer for her to take his hand to help ground her, like he had done earlier at the district when he told her to feel and squeeze his hand during her panic attack. Jay just wants to take her hand in his, but after she flinched away from him earlier when he moved too fast, he is afraid to make any sudden movements. Scared of the reaction and rejection they might cause. He figures it’s best for Hailey to be the one initiating any physical contact between the two of them tonight, no matter how desperately he wants to take her in his arms.
So he keeps his hand there, like a peace offering. One he prays Hailey will take him up on after all she has been carrying alone.
But all that keeps going through Hailey’s mind is how she is not worthy of his affection, his love. So his hand just remains in between the two detectives, untouched.
When nothing happens after another beat, and all that can be heard are Hailey’s heavy and uneven breaths, Jay speaks up: “Hailey, will you please take my hand?”
Hailey looks at his hand, she wants nothing more than to take it. But how can she accept his offer to be held by him, when this could very well be the last time that he does?
“Hailey …” His eyes land on hers, pleading, begging her to make a move. “ Please .”
He sounds desperate. Like he somehow needs this more than she does. And how could she ever deny him anything, after all that she put him through, not only today but the past few weeks. She can’t. So she scoots a little closer to her side of the bed, and finally— finally —takes his outstretched hand in hers.
“Thank you.” He whispers softly, a grateful smile gracing his face now that she is finally letting him in. Hailey was right, he needed this touch just as much as—if not more than—she did.
And Hailey lets out a deep sigh she didn’t know she had been holding in.
“That's it, Hails. Deep breaths.” Her fiancé—was he still her fiancé after tonight?—encourages.
“I- I- I’m so-rry” Hailey tries to get out between sobs.
“Shh. It’s okay. Just breathe.” Jay says, gently rubbing circles on the back of her hand. “Focus on your breathing first.”
It takes several minutes—several minutes in which they’re just holding each other’s hand—but Hailey’s breathing and heartbeat eventually return to a slightly calmer pace.
“I’ll start packing tomorrow morning.” Hailey announces, breaking the silence between the partners, her voice fragile and raw from crying.
“What are you talking about?” Jay asks in confusion, not following where she is going with this. “Packing?”
“Yeah.” Hailey nods. “It’s okay, Jay. I know it would break you to have to ask me to leave. So I’ll just offer to go.”
“Go where?” Jay’s completely lost at this point, slightly frightened at her suggestion. She can’t mean what he thinks she means, right? They’ve only been living together in their new place for a handful of days, but he doesn’t think he could ever go back to living on his own again. Not after knowing what it’s like to come home to her every single night.
“I’m sure Ruzek would let me crash at his apartment. I’m pretty sure he’s still staying with Kim and Makayla anyway, so his place should be empty.” Hailey clarifies, as if it should have been obvious what she is trying to say to him.
“Hailey —” The detective starts, but he immediately gets interrupted by his fiancée.
“Please don’t make this harder than it already is.” She all but begs him. A single tear rolling down her cheek.
And that’s all it takes for Jay to break the rule he made with himself earlier, to let her be the one to initiate any physical contact, because he can’t take it anymore. Not when she has convinced herself that he doesn’t love her anymore. So he takes both of her hands in his, as he moves to fully face her on their bed.
“Hailey, I don’t want you to leave.” The warm touch in combination with those words causes Hailey to look up in surprise. Like she can’t believe what she’s hearing. “I don’t ever want you to leave.” The detective clarifies. “Hailey, this is your home too. It’s our home.”
“But- But I lied to you.” The blonde’s voice cracks. “I lied, Jay.”
He doesn’t know how to respond to that. Because she did. He had asked her numerous times if something happened with Voight that night, and every single time she tried to assure him that she was fine. That nothing had happened. But now he knows something did happen, horrible enough to dim the light in the love of his life. Something so traumatic, it caused her to not only lose her appetite and sleep, but part of herself. And the knowledge that she had been carrying that secret and burden alone for so long is enough to shatter his heart into a million tiny pieces.
Jay has only known himself for all of 45 minutes what really happened at that warehouse, and it is already eating away at him. Hailey had been walking around with this secret and the trauma of what she had had to do for weeks, and although he understood why she didn’t tell him, how she was manipulated by their boss into keeping this from him, it still hurts.
“I’m so sorry I lied.” Hailey cries. “I wanted to tell you so badly, I’ve wanted to tell you so many times. But I -”
He’d like to know her version of events —he basically knows what happened from Voight’s skewed perspective, but he wants to hear from her what truly transpired in that warehouse. And he is sure that she will tell him tomorrow morning when he asks her about it. But he knows that now isn’t the right time to have her walk through all that. Right now he just needs to be there for her. Show her that he is not going anywhere, and hold her if she’ll allow him.
“It’s okay, Hailey. I wish you hadn’t lied to me; we can talk more about that tomorrow, though. But it’s all going to be okay. We’ll be okay. I know how Voight can be, how he gets in people’s heads.” He feels her flinch again at the mention of their sergeant's name. “He put you in an impossible position, and then he got into your head and asked you to lie for him. He manipulated you. He has been manipulating people for years to do his dirty work, and he’s gonna pay for that. Trust me. He won’t get away with it anymore. Not this time, not after what he’s done to you.”
Hailey questions him with just her expression, but Jay throws her a look in return saying they’ll address his plan on taking down Voight later.
“The most important part is that I know now. I know what happened, and I’m here. I’m really here, Hailey. You no longer have to carry this burden alone. We’re gonna figure it out together.”
“We are?” She asks hopefully.
“We are.” Jay confirms, giving her hands a soft squeeze. Wincing in slight discomfort, having forgotten about the bruise starting to darken on his hand.
He hopes his reaction goes unnoticed by his partner, but of course she can read him like a book. She knows him just as well as he knows her.
“Jay, what happened?” Hailey’s thumb softly brushing over the broken skin on his knuckles.
“Oh, it’s nothing.”
“Jay.” Hailey begs. And she knows the next thing she asks of him is selfish, especially after having kept him in the dark for so long. But she needs them to be completely honest with each other from now on. She can’t bear for there to be any more secrecy between the two of them. “No more secrets, please. I feel like we’ve had enough secrets for a lifetime.” She sighs.
Jay slowly nods in agreement. “Voight and I had a little chat tonight.” He starts. “I may have yelled at him.”
“With your fist?” Hailey questions, raising an eyebrow.
Jay stays silent. He doesn’t want to acknowledge what he has done. Embarrassed that he let his rage get the best of him. Scared to admit to Hailey what he is capable of, when she already pulled away from him earlier when all he wanted to do was try and comfort her. He knows he would never lay a finger on her. He just hopes that she knows he could never even look at her the wrong way, let alone lay a hand on her like that.
As if she can read what’s going on in his mind, Hailey interrupts his train of thought: “Jay, I know.”
Jay looks up in surprise and confusion.
“I know you’d never hurt me. So please, tell me what happened.”
“I punched him.” Jay mumbles.
“You punched Voight?” Hailey asks in disbelief. Of course, she had her suspicions when she saw his bruised knuckles, but she figured her fiancé had punched a wall or maybe a mirror, not that his fist had collided with their sergeant’s face.
Jay nods slowly, his head low, not meeting her gaze. “I’m not proud of it. I just- he’s just- He knows exactly how to get in people’s heads. How to manipulate them. Including me.” He admits in embarrassment. “He tried to manipulate me where he knew he could hurt me the most…” He lets his sentence trail off.
Hailey looks at him expectantly, softly squeezing his unbruised hand with hers, encouraging him to continue.
“You.” He clarifies, taking Hailey by surprise. “He said I didn’t know the woman I was sleeping next to, and I just- I lost it, Hailey. He had no right to speak to me like that. To talk about us like that.”
“He didn’t.” Hailey agrees. “And you do know me, Jay. I think you’re the only one that does know the real me.” The blonde carefully admits.
“I know. He just struck a nerve. Like I said, he knows exactly what to say to people to get under their skin. But I’m done being manipulated by him. He’s destroyed enough lives. He’s not gonna destroy ours. I won’t let him. Not anymore.”
“I don’t agree with you hitting him, but I’m not gonna lie and pretend that I didn’t wish I had been there to see you hit him either.” She chuckles. It’s true, she doesn’t condone violence. But she’s happy that someone finally stood up to Voight. And for her, no less.
Jay throws her a quick smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes.
“Thank you for putting him in his place.” Hailey vocalizes a moment later.
It doesn’t go unnoticed by Jay how she had wished for a similar thing over a year ago, after they worked a rough domestic case when she talked about her abusive father in a bar. How she had wished as a little kid for someone to come in and put her father in his place, like Jay had done with Michelle’s husband. And now Voight.
“Always.” He genuinely replies.
Their eyes meet, and they just hold each other’s gaze for a few beats. Trying to process all that has happened in the last few hours, all that they’ve learned in the most painful way.
It’s Hailey who eventually breaks their silence: “Can I...” she trails off, looking down at his lap, silently asking if she can sit in it. If he can finally hold her—all of her, not just her hands.
“Let me get out of these clothes real quick, and I’ll join you in bed?” Jay suggests.
Hailey nods, letting go of his hands—immediately missing his warm touch—so he can go change and wash away some of this heavy day.
Jay disappears into the bathroom, but not before his eyes find Hailey’s one more time, offering her a small and supportive smile, which she returns with the faintest of smiles of her own.
He knows now. He knows . And he’s still here.
Hailey feels like a weight has finally been lifted off her shoulders, and suddenly becomes overwhelmed by the feeling of relief that washes over her.
He knows. He finally knows.
She no longer has to keep this deep, dark, and intense secret that has been eating her alive because she couldn’t talk to him about it. She may not be able to tell the others yet, she might not ever get to tell them. But at least Jay knows now. The one person she has wanted to tell for her own sanity for weeks finally knows. And before she can stop them, tears well up in her eyes, immediately making their way down her cheeks.
“Hailey? Hey.” Jay’s soft voice rings through the room making her teary eyes land back on him, now dressed in an old academy t-shirt and sweatpants, as he stands in the door frame of the bathroom. “Oh, Hailey.” He says as soon as he notices the tear streaks on her bruised face.
He moves gently through the room this time, unlike before when he rushed to her side. He makes sure to take slow and deliberate steps, as he slides into bed next to her.
“Oh, baby. I’m here. I’m here.” He whispers softly against her skin, his arms pull her body flush against his, closing the remaining distance between them as they sit up against the headboard.
“You- You know.” Hailey breathes out between sobs.
“Yeah, babe. I know.”
And then Hailey allows herself to cry out in relief within his strong and welcoming embrace. And Jay lets her, grateful that she is finally opening up to him again.
They sit there for minutes, just holding each other. Hailey’s body violently shaking with each sob, Jay’s own eyes filled with tears that he is so desperately trying to hold back—unsuccessfully.
Hailey’s fists cling to Jay’s shirt; still afraid that if she lets go of him, he’ll decide that he does want to leave after all.
But even after several minutes, when Hailey cannot clench her fists any longer and they start to lose their grip on the fabric of his shirt, he still doesn’t move. He just holds her, whispering soft words of affection against her skin, and lets her cry it out.
They eventually shift from their sitting position against the headboard to lying down. Exhaustion from the long day and her previous restless nights, the intensity of the case, her panic attacks, and the fact that there are finally no more secrets between them finally catching up to the detectives.
Jay can feel Hailey’s breathing even out, and he’s positive she is almost asleep. He can’t stop himself from placing a soft kiss on her temple. And when she stirs in his arms, he almost wishes that he hadn’t. That he let her drift off to sleep for the night.
“Jay?” Her voice sounds raw from all the crying.
“Yeah?” He whispers back against her skin.
“Are we- Is this-” The blonde starts, but she keeps stopping herself.
“Are we what, Hailey?” Jay questions gently, stroking her hair.
“Do you want to call off our engagement?” Her voice cracks. It’s so fragile, like she is afraid to speak the words out loud. Scared they could become a reality. But she needs to know. She doesn’t think she’ll be able to truly rest without knowing if he still wants to marry her.
Jay puts a little more distance between them—but doesn’t lose his tight grip on her—so he can look her in the eyes in the dark room. “Do you?” He responds, trying to hide the fear, disappointment, and tremble in his voice.
Hailey immediately shakes her head. “No, Jay. I’m not sure of a lot of things right now, but I’m absolutely certain of one thing, and that is that I want to marry you. If you’ll still have me.”
“Of course, I’ll still have you, Hailey. I meant it when I said I am not going anywhere. That I want it to be you and me, always.” Jay replies genuinely.
“But that was before.” Hailey admits. Before he knew what she had done, what she was capable of. Before he knew she lied to him and betrayed his trust.
“No, Hailey.” He shakes his head and wraps his arms tighter around her: “This is forever.”
Forever . Jay still wants forever with her.
“You sure?” The blonde asks hopefully.
“Never been more sure of anything in my life.” Jay confirms. “I love you, Hailey. And nothing you ever say or do, not in the past or in our future, could ever stop me from wanting to spend the rest of my life with you.”
“I love you, Jay. So much. And I know we still have a lot to talk about, and that things aren’t magically fixed between us now that you know. But I’m really glad that you finally do. I never wanted to keep any of this from you.”
“I know. We’ll talk more in the morning.” Her fiancé reassures her.
“Okay.” Her answer is barely audible, fighting against the sleep that is finally willing to overtake her.
“Oh, and Hailey?” He feels the blonde hum against him. “We’re good, and we’re always gonna be good.”
And for the first time in weeks, she believes it to be true.