Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Harry’s in the living room playing with his legos and Liam when Louis lets himself into the house. He only sees his sneakers, blue and wet with rain, until he toes them off by the door. The child is quick to tuck himself behind the loveseat, moving to make space before closing himself in, Simba clenched between his fingers. The lion's fur tickles his lips as he whispers consolations into its hair.

“S’okay. S’just Lou,” Harry tells his toy, but it fails to calm him. He wishes he was still asleep with Zayn, he’s still tired after all, but he feels bad for having made Liam cry. A good brother wouldn’t make his big brother cry, so staying with him is the least Harry could do.

“Is he gonna do that every time?” he hears Louis ask. Liam chuckles and gives him a quick kiss, their feet stepping into each other’s space. They share heavy sighs, and Harry can hear their clothing ruffling together as they stand pressed against each other.

“Have you been crying?” Louis asks, and after a pause, Louis says, “yes you have, your face is all red.”

Harry’s heart sinks in his, collapsing his lungs as he traps a sob behind closed lips. He’s so sorry. He shouldn’t have told Liam anything, then he wouldn’t be so sad even Louis could see it. Maybe Zayn wouldn’t still be sleeping well into the afternoon.

Liam chokes out, “Then why’d you ask?”

“Because I wanted you to tell me why, idiot.”

Liam sighs, breath heavy as it pushes through his lips. He takes a seat on the chair Harry is hiding behind, and Harry is grateful his weight is there to protect him.

“I just- I feel so useless,” Liam starts, “they need so much and I can’t do enough.”

“They’re your brothers, let your parents be their parents.”

“That’s gold coming from you-”

“That’s not fair.“

“I know, I know, I just- They’ve been through so much fucked up shit- Harry,” Liam tosses over his shoulder, “don’t tell dad I said that.” He laughs when Harry tosses back a small ‘okay.’ “He’s so little Lou, and today he told me about being alone with his mom’s body-“

“Jesus,” Louis breathes. “Your parents didn’t tell you?”

“No, they did, but- He’s four Louis. He’s four and he spent four days next to his mother’s body and only eating fucking bread and brownies until his sister got back from a fucking school trip.” Harry hears Liam sob, his voice shaking and sad. “Imagine hearing Fi tell you something like that- fuck, I can’t think about her like that too. They’re so small. Lou, I can’t-“

Harry’s little fingers pick at the fabric on the couch as he fights a frown and the threat of tears. Liam is so big, so strong, so nice, too much of all of those things to cry, yet he’s lost his breath sobbing.

Harry bites down around the apology on his tongue, eyes wet and burning, pressing Simba roughly against his cheek. This is all his fault. He’s made someone so big and so good cry. He’s so sorry, he shouldn’t have told anyone anything, then Liam wouldn’t be shaking in his seat as he talks to Louis.

“He thinks it’s his fault, and I can’t imagine being so little and- He and Zayn said they wanted to sleep forever, and Zayn- he knows what that means, he knows, and he still wants to- He’s been here for four years- four years and he still wants to-“ a sob falls hard from his chest, hiccoughing as he inhales. “My little brother, Lou. He was fucking nine! How could he stop his dad from killing himself? I’m not gonna let his life end like that. I can’t. He’s never told us anything about what happened, but the way he was crying, babe, like it was happening right now, I’ve never heard anything fucking like it.

“And fuck- Niall’s been here for almost ten years and he still talks like we’re gonna kick him out! He’s my best friend Lou, and I let him down. I’m letting all of them down.”

There’s something about his tone that sounds as though he is begging like Harry begged his mommy to wake up, but it is unclear what Liam is asking for. Nonetheless, there must be boogers running down Liam’s wet red face.

The room is still as his big brother cries into his hands. Even Louis is unable to fill the space, his silence as unsettling as Liam’s guilt.

“How am I supposed to go back to school when Harry just got here? But Niall needs me to be there with him, show him what college is like, make sure he doesn’t do anything stupid. They need me to stay with them, but I can’t give them what they all need from me. It’s too much,” he cries. “And I’m shit for saying that. They’ve sacrificed so much, stuff they didn’t even want to, and now I’m asking them to give up more? What have I given up, Lou? When have I lost anything? I can lose a year for Harry and Zayn, it’s the least they deserve, but I can't leave Niall.”

Louis is crying too. He sniffles hard, coughing slightly as he breathes out, “Baby,” he says to Liam. “Baby, it’s okay. You’re doing an amazing job with all of them. Best big brother ever. You’ve given them so much, you don’t even know, Li. I love you so much.”

The sharp pitch of his voice is coupled with the rasp of someone holding back tears.

There’s a shift upon the love seat, and Harry can see both Louis and Liam’s feet when he peeks under. Just over the chair, Harry watches Louis press small, wet kisses into Liam’s hair, then one to his shoulder. His thin hands pet over Liam’s head as he continues crying into Louis’ chest. The wetness settled upon Louis’ waterline spills over, but he focuses upon his weeping boyfriend.

“Have you asked them?” Louis must pause to let Liam answer. “Baby, I got lucky with my sisters, you know? Whenever they’re upset, they all just tell me what they need. You’ve seen how Izzy gets. Sometimes they just want me to be there, and I’m sure that’s what the boys want. And I know being a big brother is hard, especially when you want to keep everyone safe, but sometimes you can only be a big brother.

“Li, remember when Niall first came? He was so fucking scared. He tried to fight with you all the time, he’d fight with Maria all of the time, and he was fucking terror of George. He’d push you away and you’d get so upset but you kept trying. Told everyone about your little brother even though he’d tell you he wasn’t gonna be here long. Wrong as usual of course,” Louis says. Harry can hear Liam chuckle wetly. “And what happened then, huh? He told that girl you were his brother for the first time, and you cried about it for days.”

“He did too,” Liam accuses.

“Yeah, he did.” Louis laughs and Harry hears the springs of the big couch when Louis stands, he can see his feet standing between Liam’s legs. “He cried because he knows what he means to you, and you cried because you love him. He knows that. Maybe he doesn’t know it all of the time, but he knows it when he needs to. He just needed you to be his brother, babe. You didn’t have to be there every time he was upset, he just knew. He knows. I know. The world knows it, baby.” Louis smacks a kiss somewhere on Liam’s face, “you love them Li, and sometimes that’s all you can do.”

“But what about Zayn? Or Harry? What do I do about school?” His voice sounds desperate and scared, it reminds him of how mommy sounded when she talked to Robert. “Tell me what to do Louis, please. I just need-“ he stops himself.

“School isn’t for another two months, all right? By the end of the summer, they’ll be begging for a break from you, and each other. I love my sisters, but I miss the quiet.” The boys laugh softly, Liam shifting in his seat. “Maybe think about commuting? You can take the L train and it’ll be like forty-five minutes. I’ll miss you like crazy, but I’ll have Ni, so if that’s what you need then do it,” he jokes, and Liam laughs breathily. ”Or we could come and stay home every weekend? Take the boys and our girls out to the park or something?”

“Yeah, I’ll talk to my parents about it.”

He can hear hands rubbing over clothing, small kisses being pressed into skin.

He’s so sorry.

“It’s just- I’m still worried about Zayn.”

“Where is he?”

“He fell asleep a few minutes ago. Harry was about to go down for his nap when we heard you pull up.”

“Sorry, Haz,” Louis says, peeking over Liam’s shoulder. He smiles before looking back to his boyfriend, “You’re gonna be worrying about them forever, babe. Every time I leave the girls it’s terrifying, I just want them to be safe and happy, but I think you might wanna talk to your mom about getting some therapy too, you know?” Harry sees Liam nod and Louis presses another kiss into the crown of his head. “What we’re dealing with- it’s different, but we have to take care of ourselves to be the best for them, and baby, it kills me to see you crying about this. You’re doing a fucking amazing job, you just don’t see what I see.

“But Zayn’s doing so much better than before. Well, he may want to di- sleep forever, but something is keeping him here. I’m willing to bet it’s a few someone actually, right? And he’s talking, Li, that’s huge. Remember when he first met me? Now he answers every question I ask, no problem.

“Harry loves you too. I can see it in how tight he holds on to ya when I’m around,” Louis teases. “Look, he may not know how to tell you what he wants, but you’re here. He’s just a baby-“

“M’not a baby!” Harry shouts. He hears Liam laugh softly, and pride swells within his little chest.

Louis on the other hand gasps in shock. “Shit he scared me. Sorry!” Louis says. He has Liam’s head between his hands as he peeks over the seat. His red-rimmed blue eyes make Harry cough around a sob, but he looks so gentle. Maybe Harry could cry to him too, and maybe Louis would play with his hair and give him kisses.

He rejects the thought.

“Then why don’t you come on out and tell Liam what you want from him, huh, Harry? Help him out a bit?”

He sits in the corner there, chin on his knees as he thinks of a response. Simba looks at him curiously as hard presses his fingers into mane to tilt his face and Harry matches the face he’s imagined.

He nods to his stuffed lion, and with a determined nod and furrowed eyebrows and asks, “Can I get out?”

“Fuck, yeah-” Liam says, pulling the seat out before he freezes, “wait, don’t tell mom I said that.”

“If I promise I won’t, can I get out?”

Liam laughs, “you can get out even if you do.”

Harry runs off to the kitchen, the two older boys staring after him.

His hair flops around his face, his cheeks bouncing as he runs to the freezer drawer and pulls out his teething ring.

As he runs back, he ensures that he doesn’t get too close, but presses the ice pack into Liam’s hands.

“Thank you,” Liam whispers after a sniffle.

“I thinked about it,” Harry starts, and he tries not to stick his tongue out at Louis when the boy giggles. “And I wan’ you to promise me that you’ll love me forever and ever!” He declares, “and I want you to give me and Zayn cuddles before bed and read us a story.”

Liam pulls the boy into his chest, his strong arms crushing Harry, but Harry loves it. Loves Liam’s hugs. He loves that it feels like Liam is trying to make them one person, LiamHarry, just like his mommy did, MommyHarry.

“Let the kid breathe, Payno.”

Liam sets Harry’s feet back on the floor but the boy keeps his hands on his brother, hoping his touch can convey the nurturing his words cannot.

Liam has little lines around his eyes like his mommy, his cheeks rounding as they pinch the edges together, “I can do that Harry, I promise.”

He watches Liam for minute, wiping at his red eyes, the relieved smile on his face. “And please tell your daddy my name is Har-ry,” he adds. Liam laughs around an ‘okay, okay’ before they settle into a calm quiet.

Harry climbs up on Liam’s lap and plants his face into his neck. “I’ll never sleep again!” Harry yells into his big brother. “I don’t ever want to sleep again! I don’t want to never see you again.”

“How about, you promise me that you’ll wake up every morning, and I’ll read to you every night.”

“And Zayn!”

“Yes,” Liam says, his hands running up and down Harry’s back, “and Zayn.”

Louis lets the brothers have their space, but Harry hears him say from the couch, “I love you so much, Liam, I don't know what to do with myself.”

Liam pulls Harry into his lap and presses a shy smile into his hair.

The child wakes up in Liam’s room with his big brother curled around him and Simba hanging from his big hands. His body has a light layer of sweat keeping his hair stuck to his face and clothes stuck to his skin, which makes him whine slightly, stopping himself when Liam shifts around.

His big brother looks calmer, cheeks still pink, brows still pinched together, but Liam needed a nap. A nap is always good after a cry. He hopes Liam is dreaming of him, of Maria and George, of Niall and Zayn. He hopes everyone is happy in there with him, that The Man doesn’t follow him, doesn’t creep around just outside whatever room he’s in. He wants to lay down and watch him sleep, to keep him safe. It’s so hot in here, Liam might be thirsty when he wakes up.

He always takes care of Harry, Harry should take care of him.

Sounds are coming from the kitchen, so he pushes himself to the floor, leaving Simba to comfort Liam. Maybe Zayn can help him put his hair up, but when he walks past his room, he sees Zayn still sleeping in his bed. Weary, he toddles to the kitchen, where Louis is making a sandwich.

He contemplates running back into Liam’s arms but stands frozen in the hall.

“Haz!” His brother’s boyfriend says excitedly, but he cuts himself off when he realizes he doesn’t want to frighten the boy. He looks around himself quickly. “It’s snack time, right? Do you want some fruit or something?”

Harry nods with wide eyes.

“Okay, you’ve got some strawberries in here. Juice too?”

He nods again.

Louis places the snack on the counter, which Harry snatches away and seats himself on the loveseat, hoping Louis notices he’s not behind it. He also hopes Louis keeps his distance in the kitchen.

Harry watch’s Louis move about the kitchen comfortably as he eats his strawberries and sips on his juice. It’s not until Louis fills a glass with water and takes a long drink that Harry remembers what he came out here to do.

“Water!” He says, and Louis turns to look at him.

“You don’t want juice?”

“No, water, for Li, please.”

“Oh,” Louis says, “I’ll refill his water bottle. Can you grab it?”

So Harry does, hair still flopping about, but he doesn’t want Louis to put it up.

He sets the bottle on the island when he returns, wide eyes watching Louis as he sets it down and steps away quickly.

“You know, Li’s lucky to have a brother like you,” Louis says as he collects his boyfriend’s bottle. It makes Harry’s heart swell and he can’t help but to smile, his front teeth biting into his lip as he happily hops back to the couch. He smiles around his straw and giggles when he eats a strawberry.

Louis is watching him, and while Harry is not yet ready to beckon him over and ask him to put his hair up, he smiles back, puffing his chest out shyly. Red curls around his cheeks, he can feel it without anyone needing to comment.

Louis must understand. He turns back to his sandwich, layering on potato chips. Robert doesn’t like potato chips on his sandwich.

When Niall comes home Louis is quick to pull him into a hug, which Niall pretends to be annoyed about, but he can see him smile when Louis’ not looking. He lets Louis win, Niall’s arms hanging by his sides.

“What’s gotten into you?” Niall laughs. Louis sniffles into his neck, and Niall is quick to hold him. “Hey, what’s wrong? Did something happen?”

Louis wipes his eyes, “you’re my best friend, you know that? I’m so fucking selfish because I’m so happy that I got to have you in my life, and you must think I’m a fucking asshole, ‘cos you’ve been through shit to end up here.”

“Lou, I don’t think that-“

“I care about you, Ni. I know Liam would die for you, and Zayn and Harry look at you like you’re a fucking titan. And I’m not tryna push for you to take Maria and George’s offer, but I want you to be here, bro.”

Harry watches Niall’s hand come up to touch the golden guitar pick hanging around his neck. He puts it between his lips before looking back up to Louis with tears in his eyes.

Louis whispers with a crack in his voice, “I’m just really fucking glad to have you, Niall.”

The air gets hot suddenly, despite the cooling rain outside, Harry can feel the change of it on the back of his neck.

There’s something soft about the tone of Louis’ voice, the way it sounds so much like how Gemma would talk to mommy, with absolute admiration and adoration.

Harry can see Niall’s expression change, how his hands form fists into Louis’ sweater, how he hides his face into his neck to release a strangled breath. There’s a shake in his grip, fingers too tight, and yet he only presses Louis into himself further. Harry thinks LouisNiall is so full of love it’s crushing them.

Niall clears his throat as he pulls away, wiping at his eyes, leaving his focus to linger on the floor. “Where’s Li?”

“Sleeping,” Louis laughs as he pulls away, “bit of an emotional day, you should talk to him later.”

Niall nods, eyes still cast down. “You’re watching Harry?”

“Not hard when he just sits behind the couch. Gave ‘im some snacks. He fell asleep with Li, it was cute until he woke up and ran away from me.”

“Least he’s sitting on it this time.”

Niall eats a remaining strawberry and picks the plate from the cushion as he ruffles a hand in Harry’s hair, placing each in the trash and the sink respectively. He begins to clean off the counter where Louis’ left a mess from his sandwich. Louis watches him with soft eyes, bent over the island with a smile across his face.

“Can only imagine the way your house looks once you two start having kids,” Niall starts. “S’gonna be a fucking mess.”

“You won’t have to imagine because you’ll be there. We’ll have to ban your name from the house when all they talk about is wanting Uncle Niall.”

Niall, in the smallest voice Harry’s ever heard, “yeah.”

“Hey,” Louis stops him again, “I’m serious. I’m not gonna let you leave, you know that, right? Even if anything were to happen to me and Liam, neither of us would let you go.

“I’d fucking die for you before I’d let you leave. You deserve better than what your fucking mom and dad gave you, and I’m going to make sure you get it, yeah? Me, Liam, Zayn, Maria, George, the girls, hell even Harry, bro. We’re all gonna grow old and be talking about the same shit we always do.”

“Louis-“

Harry is not sure when the mood shifted to being angry, but the older boys stare at each other with intense eyes and furrowed brows.

“Why do you always fight it, bro? I know your head’s all fucked up, just tell me what it’s telling you!” They stare at each other for a moment, but Louis' face grows soft as Niall’s eyes begin to water. “What’s goin’ on in there?”

His voice is weak as he speaks, and his eyes fall from his best friend’s as he picks at the blisters on his fingers. “Feelings change, Lou,” the whisper is barely there. “You can’t say all this shit about what will happen when you don’t know.”

“Feelings can change for the better too. Maybe we won’t talk about the same guy shit, but I know, I fucking know, that you and Liam will be with me, no matter what. I’ll make fucking sure of it. I need you man, we need each other.”

Niall remains frozen in his spot at the island, he doesn’t seem like he’s listening anymore, at least not to Louis because Louis is nice, but Niall looks angry. Harry can see how his nostrils flare and his arms shake slightly. He isn’t blinking, instead, he’s staring right over Louis’ shoulder, focusing on his breathing.

Harry knows not to be scared, he’s not, but he’s having a hard time swallowing the sip he’s just taken. While his little fingers tighten around his juice box, Louis doesn’t back down.

“Remember when Liam came out to you in high school? He was such a fucking kiss ass that whole time and it was so annoying ‘cause he was so sensitive and fuck- he can’t keep a secret to save his life. To be fair, I was just a dick to everyone, so maybe Liam wasn’t all that bad.” They laugh at each other, soft and comforting. “All that time he was stressing out and being all secretive because he would’ve rather kept pretending to be straight and be miserable forever than have you be mad at him. He told me you were the only person he wanted to tell, even though his crush was on me. But you came to him and asked and he can’t say no to you, can he? Told you everything the second you asked. He needs you, Niall.”

Louis walks around the island to get closer to Niall, but when the younger takes a step back, Louis doesn’t push it, he allows the distance to remain.

“Or when you tried to run away when you were -what, eleven? Liam cried so much he threw up, and Maria and George found you later at the park. You were only gone for three hours, you woulda thought it’d been days with the way he was actin’. He was so scared for you, bro still is. And I’ll tell everyone you’re a liar if you tell anyone this, but,” Louis steps closer and Niall stands his ground. He looks more like he’s going to fight Louis than hug him, but Harry knows better. “I lost my shit too. Thought you finally left, just like you wanted and I went to the bathroom and I nearly blacked out from how stressed I was, m’just better at hiding it than he is.”

Niall still refuses to meet Louis’ eyes. He’s picked too much at his skin, opening a wound that he continues to assault as his breath quickens.

“Say it.”

“M’not a pet,” Niall says after a minute, and Louis’ look of adoration curdles.

”S’that what you think he thinks of you? I think of you? You’re not a fucking dog, bro, you’re his brother- my brother. My first brother. You’re always his first thought, or choice, or whatever it is you want to be.

“Bro, you could ask either one of us to help you hide a body, and we’d do it, no questions asked. Fucking kill for you. You have no idea how many times I’ve had to calm Liam down because he pissed himself off thinking about your parents, or those fuckers picking on you at school. And you can ask him about me, man, I’ve nearly killed him a few times when you were being moody and Liam kept leaving you alone to deal with it. He takes this big brother thing very seriously, and if it makes you feel like a pet, then you gotta talk to him, he won’t be mad, maybe at himself, but not at you.”

“I just- why do I always have to be so close? Why can't he still want to love me- or whatever, if Maria and George don’t adopt me? Like if it’s gonna be that easy to just send me away, or like- ”

“You’re the one who is choosing to leave, Niall. They don’t wanna pressure you.”

“I need them to. I-“ he stops himself, shaking his head and taking a deep breath before trying to school his expression. “It doesn’t matter.”

“Tell me, Ni. No secrets, right?”

“It’s just my brain saying shit, it doesn’t matter-“

Louis is angry, his eyebrows drawn close together, lips tight, “Niall.”

Harry wonders how it is possible to sound so angry and loving at the same time. How a boyfriend can’t be angry and not yell, or hit, or stab. Still, Harry wants to keep his brother safe, but he can’t seem to move from his seat. The tension rising in the room is bringing tears to his eyes, keeping him anchored and motionless.

Niall sighs, blinking rapidly as he speaks, “I know they love me- or whatever, but what if it’s just because I’m here? Like, will they miss me if I leave? Sure, but they’ll move on, my parents did.”

“Fuck that,” Louis says. “I know this is more than that. Rubes and Nic still talk to you every day and they moved to a whole other country. It’s more, Ni, what is going on?”

“I found my mom on Facebook a couple of weeks ago,” he whispers. He turns away from Louis, only to rest against the island with his face in his hands, blood from the callous smearing across his cheek. “My dad’s been out of rehab for a while, and I know I shouldn’t’ve looked, but I wanted to see what they’re up to, you know? My dad’s been clean for three years, my mom posted a picture of him and their new house and shit.”

Seeing Niall cry brings a sort of discomfort to Harry’s body he’s never experienced before. Not when mommy’s skin grew cold but Harry still slept in his arms. Not when

No, this feels like when Harry wet himself for the first time in months. He was so ashamed of himself. He knew Robert was going to yell, that someone was going to be hit, that it was all his fault. He knew his mommy wouldn’t be proud of him anymore. For the first time in his life, Harry hated himself for being so small, such a problem, for not being able to fix things on his own.

He hates himself now for not knowing what he could do to help his brother.

“They have another kid,” Niall confesses.

Louis finally falls into Niall’s arms, hugging him close, shoving his face into his neck. “Fuck.”

“They treated me like shit, Lou. You know that.” Niall’s fists whiten around Louis' sweater, his rain damp hair leaving droplets on the fabric to hide the tears that fall there too. “They beat the fuck out of me and told me no one could care about me, that they wished they never had me, and they’d be gone for days, and -and now I have a little brother that I’ll never meet, who probably doesn’t even know I exist. Now all I think about is if he’s safe and if he’s happy.

“I can’t fucking sleep because the second I’m alone all I can think about is how I wasn’t enough of a reason for my parents to get clean. Why couldn’t I be that for my parents? What's wrong with me, Louis?” He holds him tighter, more desperate than before, his mouth leaving damp impressions into Louis’ clothes as he heaves. “I just wanted them to love me and they just wouldn’t. They couldn’t- they can’t, because they were right. They’re right. I’m so fucking pathetic. I’m so fucking jealous of a three-year-old and I don’t even fucking know him. Lou, my parents couldn’t love me, how could anyone else’s? S’only because I’m here and they see me, and I do things for them, but if I stop that- fuck.” Niall finally pulls away, hands keeping him balanced on the countertop as he does his best to calm himself.

Harry wants to tell him to get the ice from the freezer, but his voice fails him when he opens his mouth. Neither Louis nor Niall seem to notice Harry’s attempt, so he doesn’t try again.

“Liam will see whatever it was that my parents saw, and so will Maria and George, and the girls, and they’ll get tired of having me too. I can’t watch that happen. I can’t let my parents be right about me, I can’t do that, Louis.”

Silence settles over them as Niall cries into his hands. The older boy keeps opening his mouth to speak, but nothing comes out before he closes it again. Harry thinks he looks a bit like a fish, but he can’t smile at his joke when Niall’s faint gasping breaths fill the rooms.

He wants to walk over to him, to offer him some juice, to hug him, but he’s still stuck in his seat. Louis toys with his Robert hat, and Harry feels himself grow more scared with the desire to comfort his brother, to save him, but he’s torn. Louis is saying good things, good things that are making Niall cry, and he doesn’t understand why. He can feel the sadness, the fear, the desperation, it was the same things he felt when he waited for mommy to wake up, but Louis is awake, and he’s warm, and he’s breathing, and he’s telling Niall he loves him, that’s all Harry wanted- all he still wants, but Niall isn’t happy.

He must be thinking about what his mommy was like, or his daddy, maybe. Harry can’t imagine anyone hurting his brother. Niall, who makes everyone laugh and sings songs, and makes Zayn loud with so many feelings, and dances with Harry, and laughs at Liam. Niall made Nicola smile even though she was crying and made Ruby snort and clap like a seal where she stood in the grocery store. Niall who is like Gemma, passionate and loving and so big, Harry doesn’t think there’s anything they can’t do, but as he thinks about his, it’s been so long since he’s seen either one of them smile.

“Did you tell them?”

Niall laughs, but it doesn’t sound happy. Harry hopes to never hear that sound again. “Why would I? It’s humiliating.”

“Ni, I’m not your dad, and you’re not mine, right? You and I are the only ones of the three of us who get shit on this level, and I know how much it fucking hurts, okay? But I can see how it kills him. He loves you all so fucking much, and no one can see it in the way they need to. And I know it’s because of everything you’ve all been through, but Liam still loves you, he knows, and he still loves you. I- I still love you, so fucking much.

“And, you know what- fuck, I’ll let him tell you himself, but I need you. So fucking much Ni, and I know that your brain won’t let you feel that or whatever, but I do anyway, and I want to. So, you can keep fighting it, til the day we fucking die, but it’s gonna be true- even after that. I-” Louis swallows, his eyes dropping to his fingers where they pick are the loose threads on his basketball shorts. Harry can see how his lips quiver, he can hear him sniffle softly before looking back to his best friend. “I just really love you Niall, so fucking much. I’ll love you even if you hate me. And you know how hard it is for me to say this, but it’s easy with you, with all of you, but especially you, Niall.”

Louis takes Niall’s face between his hands, their eyes searching each other wildly, “I just want you to let all of us give you what you won’t give yourself.”

Niall whispers, “I love ya too, Lou.”

Louis pulls him into his chest and they hold each other for a long moment. Niall calms in Louis’ grasp, wiping at his eyes occasionally, before finally shoving his face into his neck and letting Louis bring their chests together.

“I’m good,” Niall says as he tries to pull away, but Louis holds him, mumbling something Harry can’t hear. His brother brushes his hands up and down Louis’ back.

“Good,” Louis says, pulling back. His face is wet too, “now gimme a kiss.”

“Fuck off, bro,” Niall laughs wetly as he ducks away from Louis’ puckered lips. “Harry!” He says, stepping into the living room, “you’re right, Louis sucks.”

“Hey!”

When the tension is gone from his body, Harry comes off of the couch and throws himself into Niall’s as he watches Louis.

“I just love Niall,” Louis says trailing behind him, “you love Niall, right?” Harry nods. “I’m a very loving person if you let me be, Harry.”

“Yeah, then you’ll regret it.”

Louis laughs wildly, “I’ve had enough of all this emotional shit for the rest of my life.” He wipes at his eyes with the sleeves of his sweater, a smile on his face. “Fuck!” He beats his fist against his chest, grunting as he shifts so that he takes up more space as he stands.

Niall’s cheeks are red and raw from rubbing at them, but he’s much more comfortable than he was moments before. “Thanks, Lou.”

Louis nods with a smile. “I’m gonna head home, I got work at 6 and I gotta pick up the girls. Talk to Liam, okay? We’ll talk about it tonight.”

“You’ve been through all’a this too, huh?” He directs at the boy in Niall’s arms. “We’re gonna sleep good tonight. Bye Harry.”

He’s very confusing, but Harry thinks Zayn was right about him. He pretends not to care, but he cried because Niall was crying, and Harry knows that means he’s full of caring. Louis uses his eyebrows to look angry, but his blue eyes are wide with fear, sure to watch everyone and everything, just like Zayn. He’s always quick to reach out when someone isn’t laughing with everyone else, hand stretched out to their shoulder. He wiped Niall’s tears with his sleeve, let Niall cry into his sweater. He gets Zayn juice when he doesn’t even ask for it and is still nice to Harry even though Harry tried to hit him. So, Harry may not understand why Louis pretends to be mean, but maybe he is just scared.

“Bye Louis,” Harry returns, it's soft, barely there, but Louis stops. He trunks to look at Harry where he’s still settled into Niall’s arms and offers a sneaky smile. For a second, it looks like he’s about to burst, but he contains himself when Harry hides his face.

“Progress!” He shouts before closing the door behind himself.

Niall hugs Harry a little tighter, “good job, Haz.”

He wakes up to Maria with a hand on his shoulder while George wakes Zayn. He doesn’t remember falling asleep, but he’s in his room, and he’s got Simba back. The adults are talking to him, but he’s still tired, so none of their words make much sense. Even less so to Zayn, who shows his confusion in his face, but Harry notices he isn’t using his words.

While preparing dinner, Liam tells his parents about the day they’ve had, skipping details, but capturing the heavy emotions they’ve all experienced since they left this morning. The conversation continues into the family eating at the table, though Liam is doing most of the talking. Harry interjects here and there to ask for more ketchup and juice, but other than that, the brothers don’t speak. He wishes he wasn’t hurt by Zayn ignoring his requests, but Zayn looks so far away in his head, and Niall said to give him time. He just really hopes his brother doesn’t hate him.

Niall doesn’t know yet, what Harry did to his mommy, so he doesn’t know yet that Harry doesn’t deserve more juice, that he doesn’t deserve for him to be nice, but because he doesn’t know, Harry wants to be a little brother for a little while longer, so he keeps asking.

“I cried a lot today,” Harry says after Liam’s comments on it.

“A lot of sad things happened, huh?” George prompts, and the child nods.

“I took a nap with Liam, but I had more tears when Louis and Niall cried too. Lou said I’m gonna sleep good tonight.”

He doesn’t miss how Liam freezes mid-chew to stare at Niall, who pretends to not notice until his big brother rubs a hand over his back. Liam tries to use his thick eyebrow to communicate with Niall, but all he does is shrug and fill his mouth with his hamburger.

“Well, let’s take it easy tonight. I’ll take care of the chores, you boys should watch a movie or play a game or something, and we’ll all head off to bed, okay?”

“You gonna be able to sleep?” Niall asks Zayn, the table laughs, but it dies when Zayn just shrugs.

After a moment, when everyone has fallen into silence, nothing but chewing filling the air, Maria sniffles. Her children are quick to look at her, eyes full of worry. Even Harry stops crunching on his chips to watch his foster mother.

“I’m just so happy to have you boys here. I’m happy you have each other- and your sisters,” George presses a kiss into her hair and rubs at her arms. She leans into her husband, “I just love you all, so much.”

Harry feels his heart warm and his eyes tickle, but he doesn’t want to cry again, so instead, he hums the song Niall’s been working on, and the mood lightens at the table.

After Maria has bathed Harry, combed his hair, and Liam read them a bedtime story, Harry and Zayn are tucked into their bed with the nightlight glowing between them. He’s spent a better part of the night trying to cry again, but without the distraction of the movie, or Niall’s singing, or Maria asking him questions, Harry’s left alone with his thoughts.

Well, his thoughts and Zayn, who still hasn’t spoken since the morning. A numb feeling in Harry’s body is telling him that Zayn isn’t talking to him because Zayn knows he’s bad. Zayn must think Harry should be sent away to a new family, one that Harry will break rule number five with, and keep all of his secrets to himself. Zayn must be so disappointed in him, he worked so hard to keep his sisters and his daddy happy, and Harry couldn't even help his mommy until Gemma got back. Zayn must think Harry’s a bad son.

His voice cracks as he speaks around the lump in his throat, “Zayn?”

“Yeah?”

He begins to cry again at his brother’s response.

“Do you love Liam?”

Zayn pauses for a moment, “I love all of you.”

Harry squeezes his lion between his fingers, afraid to ask his next question. Zayn couldn’t love Harry, not after hearing how he’s failed to keep Gemma, especially after learning how much Zayn loves his sisters. He was such a good son, he’s a good son now, Harry doesn’t deserve to be loved by good people.

“Even me?” The sob he’s trapped between his lips is quick to fall from him, but he sticks his face into Simba to ensure Zayn can’t see him in the dark.

“You the most, but don’t tell anyone.”

Harry lets out a sigh of relief, his body suddenly feeling light. The sob falls from his mouth, but it's followed by giggles. Though tears are still pooling at the corners of his mouth, Harry is so happy. “Good, ‘cos I love you lots. I want you to be my big brother forever,” he rushes out, and Zayn laughs at him softly.

Zayn must be so sad to live in a world without his big sister, and if Gemma and mommy were asleep, Harry would want to be asleep too. Even if that meant he’d never meet his brothers. He can’t imagine how alone Zayn must feel, especially when he doesn’t know where his other sisters are.

“Zayn?”

“Yeah Harry?”

“If we go to sleep, we’ll wake up, right?”

“Yeah, you’ll wake up-“

“You too?”

“Yeah, me too.”

This time, Zayn only grunts when Harry calls out for him. “I don’t want you to sleep forever, is that mean?”

“No, Haz, s’not mean.”

“You’re my bestest best big brother- friend ever. I wanna be like you when I grow up, but I’ll be too sad if you aren’t awake anymore.” He knows Zayn hasn’t fallen asleep despite his brother’s failure to respond to him. “Hey, Zayn?”

Zayn laughs through a sigh, turning to face Harry again, “Yeah?”

“Can we cuddle?”

Without speaking, Zayn lifts his comforter, staring at Harry expectantly. It takes the small child a moment to climb down from his bed, he contemplates bringing Simba with him, but Zayn might need him, so he climbs back up to climb down again.

As Harry’s eyelids become heavy, and he feels himself sinking into sleep, he feels Zayn press a kiss into his hair, and he whispers, “Love you, Harry.”

When Harry wakes up, his first thought is his mommy. He’s in Zayn’s arms, but for a moment, he felt like he was in his mommy’s and he was happy. Happy to feel that she was warm and breathing into his hair. Happy to feel her heartbeat against his cheek. Happy to feel the rise and fall of her chest.

He feels a little guilty when he’s disappointed to realize it's just Zayn. Harry presses a kiss into his brother’s chin in apology before falling back to sleep.

There’s a knock on the door and Maria peeks into the room to find her foster children wrapped around one another, Harry trapped under Zayn’s weight as he fiddles with his stuffed lion. He snaps a photo of them, giggling at Harry looking so casual under his brother’s body before Goerge joins her and they wake the oldest.

“Good morning, my babies,” María greets, brushing their hair with her fingers. Zayn’s sleep rumpled face and swollen cheeks are pinched red by her knuckles, but the boy doesn’t fight it.

George seats himself at the foot of the bed, directing his attention to Zayn. “We just wanna talk to ya a bit.”

The boy rubs his hands over his face and looks to his foster parents. “Did Liam tell you about yesterday?”

Maria blinks quickly, nodding as he holds his face in her hands.

Harry feels a bit like he’s invading the moment.

“Yeah,” George says weakly as he wraps his hand around Zayn’s ankle. “Curls, why don’t you wake up Liam and Niall and have them help you get ready while we talk to Zayn a little bit, okay?”

Harry looks to Zayn for permission, “is Zayn in trouble?”

“No, he’s not, sweetheart,” Maria says, her fingers tuck Zayn’s slept-on hair away from his face, eyebrows together, “we just wanna talk about how he’s feeling. We love you both very much, so we just wanna check-in.”

“Is that okay Harry?” He doesn’t understand why George asks him, but he looks to Zayn for how he should respond.

“Can I stay with Zayn?”

Zayn places a hand in his little brother’s hair, “I’ll be okay, Haz, promise.” He leans into Harry’s ear to whisper loudly, “you should get Niall to put cookies out with breakfast.”

“I’ll save you some!” Harry says as he runs out of the room giggling.

“Only one!” Maria calls, but Harry’s already in Liam’s room.

Niall is here too, draped across Liam’s bed while Liam’s seated at his desk, head over the back of the chair, mouth wide open. Someone’s alarm is going off, but neither boy seems affected by the ringing. Harry giggles to himself, happy to have his brothers, as he brings to climb up Liam’s legs to laugh into his ears. He used to wake Gemma up like this,

Once the morning has settled down a bit, everyone is eating at the table. Harry’s forcing himself to eat his cut-up bagel because he had far too many cookies while Maria and George were talking to Zayn, but he doesn’t want to get in trouble.

Liam says, “Harry, Niall told me you said bye to Louis yesterday!”

“Already knew about it,” Niall mumbles, “only said it a million times in the groupchat.” He bites down on his bagel, eyes growing wide with remembrance, “speaking of which, Nic and Rubes wanna call Harry tonight. Said around three, I think.”

“Did Nicole tell you about how she made out with the boy from the bar?”

“Dad,” Liam says, “don’t say it like that.”

Niall laughs, throwing his head back, Harry can see the chewed-up eggs in his mouth. “Nah, but Ruby did. She said Nic’s been avoiding his calls, they saw him with some other girl at another club.”

Maria rolls her eyes, “men.” Her sons and George half-heartedly protest.

“I wouldn’t do that to a girl,” Liam defends once the noise has settled.

“You’re gay,” Zayn reminds him, which causes Niall to bark with laughter. He reaches across the table to give Zayn a high-five as Liam rolls his eyes.

“Well, I wouldn’t do that to a guy then.”

“Cause Lou would cut your dick off,” Niall says around a spoonful of eggs. Neither George nor Maria reprimands him, instead, nodding in agreement, making Liam laugh.

“When then, I wouldn’t date Louis if he did that to a girl or a guy.”

“Let it go, bro, Z got you good.”

“Rubes liked him though,” George says, “I’ll call her after breakfast to see how she’s doing.” Maria mutters a quick ‘let me know’ before pressing a kiss to her husband’s lips and setting halved blueberries before Harry.

“And what about our little handsome Harry?” She says as she seats herself. “You’d never break someone’s heart, would you baby?”

Harry shakes his head, blueberry juice dripping down his chin. He’s not paying much attention, but it makes everyone laugh, so he must have done the right thing. He just hopes he gets more blueberries because of it.

They’re coloring at the table on the deck while Liam does his morning workout when Zayn asks, “who’s that?”

Harry looks up to see his brother leaning over the table to get a better look at his sketchbook.

“You,” the child says pointing at the taller square figure on the page, “and this is me, and this is Gemma, and these are your little sisters. I only drawed two, but I don’t know how many you have. Is it a lot, like Louis?”

Zayn settles back in his seat with a weird smile on his face. “Just two,” he says.

“But you have a bigger one, right? Like Gemma.”

Zayn nods, “I’m bigger than her now, but yeah.”

“Well you’re her baby brother like I’m Gemma’s, cause then we’re the same,” Harry adds a figure identical to his sister on the other side of Zayn, it holds Gemma’s hand, and Zayn’s, and Zayn holds Harry’s, and Harry holds one of the little sisters, and the last one holds onto the other. It's a long line of scribbles, but they are happy.

“Can I have that?” Zayn whispers.

Harry doesn’t like to rip pages from his sketchbook, even Niall’s Niall Day drawing is still within the binding, but Zayn looks so sad. Harry rips the page from the metal wires, careful not to tear the drawing, and he slides it to his brother.

“This is the only picture I have of all of them,” he says quietly, “of all of us.” The boy wipes his eyes as he looks at his little brother. “Thank you, Harry.”

He smiles before climbing down from his seat and running around the table to grab at Zayn. He’s not much bigger than Harry, but he holds him tight, letting the younger boy crush his legs.

Liam joins them a moment later, smelling like grass and sweat, but Harry feels loved in where he fits into LiamZaynHarry. Liam wears a goofy smile on his face when Zayn complains about his smell, shoving his armpit in his face and making the boy squeal.

•••

Harry would never say it out loud, but he isn’t happy to see Dr. Wu this week. He couldn’t talk to Gemma yesterday, and Ms. Harris couldn’t be here today, then Niall and George were gone before he woke up and he didn’t get to say goodbye.

He feels a little bad because he gave Liam a hard time this morning, not even Zayn could get Harry to calm, and things only got worse when Louis came by to babysit.

It’s just that Harry doesn’t understand why he keeps losing everyone. Gemma is gone, and now Ms. Harris, and then Niall was gone this morning, and he hasn’t even gotten to meet Nicole and Ruby, and soon Zayn and Liam will be gone too, he knows they will be. He tried to be a good boy, a big boy, but it's not enough to make people stay. He had to leave all his friends at school when they moved away from Robert, and then again to move in with the Paynes. He begged mommy to wake up and she didn’t. Maybe Harry isn’t worth staying for.

So he stares up at the doctor from where he’s seated in his green chair. There are still dry tears on his face that Liam missed when he was wiping his eyes with a wipe, but he can’t blame him since Harry was screaming to be let go. Maria came along this morning, but Harry couldn’t stop himself from fighting her as she unclipped his seatbelt. He continues to pick at the dotted scar on the back of his hand, his lip wobbling as he tries to keep calm.

He doesn’t want to be a problem anymore.

“Good morning, Harry,” Dr. Wu says softly. “Your brother tells me you’re having a rough morning. Do you wanna talk about it?”

“I’m sorry,” is all he says.

“You know, sometimes when I’m having a hard day, I can be very mean to people I love. I want to show them that I can do things on my own, but sometimes I push them away, but I don’t mean to, it’s just because I’m scared.” She sits on her legs before him. “Are you scared Harry?”

“Robert said he was gonna come back for me,” he says wetly, “he was gonna send me away, but when he came and hurt my mommy, he said he’d come back.”

“Robert?” She asks, “or The Man?”

“I don’t know,” Harry cries. He pulls his knees to his chest and does his best to keep himself from crying. He wishes he wore his rain boots or his light-up sneakers, but he's wearing his dino shoes, which he loves, but they don’t make him happy as the others do. Maybe if he was good, he would have been able to. “But everyone is leaving me, and he’s gonna come back, but I don’t wanna go with him. I don’t wanna leave them.”

He can see Liam on the other side of the window, his eyebrows furrowed, lip jutting out, he hopes his big brother doesn’t cry, he won’t forgive himself his he does. Maria puts a hand on her son’s back and rubs small circles there.

“Harry, why do you think you’re gonna be sent away?”

“I’ve been bad.”

“Because you broke the rules?” He nods, Maria must have told her. “Sometimes people break the rules because they think they have to, did you feel like you had to?” He nods again. “Why’s that?”

He pinches his scar again, but Dr. Wu takes his hands and holds them between her own. Her skin is so cold, colder than the room itself, and it scares Harry a little. Mommy was so cold and then she was taken away and Harry hasn’t seen her since. While he may not want to be with Dr. Wu right now, he’ll be sad if he never sees her again.

“Because I’ve been bad,” he whispers to her. He hopes that neither Maria nor Liam can hear his confession. “I’m bad.”

“What makes you say that, Harry?”

“I eated mommy’s food, and I peed my pants while she was sleeping. Mommy always said I was such a big boy because I didn’t pee my pants, but I did. And Robert always said that I was a dumb baby, and I am. I’m sorry.

“I didn’t mean to be mean to Liam this morning, I just don’t want to be bad, but I am bad, and everyone keeps leaving and I’m gonna get sent away and The Man will come and he’ll hurt me like mommy. I don’t want to go to sleep, Dr. Wu. I wanna see Gemma and Liam and I don’t wanna leave Niall and Zayn and Ruby and Nicola and everyone else. I love them lots, but if The Man comes, I can’t love them anymore.”

“Harry, that’s not gonna happen-“

“Zayn said that when you’re asleep, you don’t feel anything anymore,” he says. His voice has grown thick as he chokes on his tears, “does that mean my mommy doesn’t love me anymore?”

“Oh, sweetheart. Is it okay if Maria comes in here with us?”

Harry nods as he holds back a whine, but the sight of his foster mother stepping into the room causes the cry to rip from his throat. Liam stays in the doorway, but it’s clear that he wants to come closer. Harry wishes he would, but he can’t breathe calmly enough to form words.

some words never fail him though, and they slip from his mouth as Maria lifts him into his arms.

“I’m sorry!”

The woman shushes him as she bounces them together, rocking back and forth. the world feels so much smaller in her arms, less overwhelming.

“I’m gonna keep you with me until you’re all old and wrinkly, you hear me? You’ll be so old I’ll have to help you wipe your bum again. You aren’t going anywhere, I promise, baby. You’re my baby. Always be my baby.”

“Of course your mommy loves you,” she continues as Garry howls into her neck. “Zayn just means all the bad things stop. She loves you so much, remember? Remember what I said when we were making cookies?”

“I love you so much,” he remembers The Man saying as he shoved the knife into mommy’s belly, “you just never fucking listen.”

Can’t love be a bad thing?

The SUV is parked outside mommy’s bakery when Maria explains that she wants to buy some pastries for dessert tonight, and when she asks Harry if he wants to go in, he declines her offer.

“You don’t wanna go inside?” Liam whispers to him once Maria’s inside, and Harry shakes his head.

“My mommy isn’t in there, is she?”

“No, Haz, she isn’t,” Liam says. Harry can’t look at him, but he feels Liam’s eyes on him. He can imagine how his brother’s brow is furrowed, how his lips are parted. Their hands tighten around each other. “But her friends are, and they wanna see you, I’m sure they miss you.”

He stares out at the shop.

Despite his anxieties, he does miss Mrs. Holland, and Jacob, the high school boy that works there during the summers and after school. He thinks they’d be happy to see Harry if he walked in with Maria, but they also loved his mommy. He doesn’t know if they know mommy isn’t coming back to work, to the family they’ve created in the two years she made pastries here. And they might ask about Gemma, he doesn’t have any answers for them. He doesn’t want to see the looks on their faces when Harry has to tell them, he doesn’t want to hear them scream like Zayn or Gemma, he can’t hear those sounds ever again.

He hopes María tells them, so it’ll be done fire him.

“Next time?” He asks, holding Liam’s thumb between his hands.

“Yeah, next time will be okay.”

The boys settle in the quiet until Maria exits the bakery. Before she gets back in the car, Liam calls out to his little brother.

“I love you a lot, Haz. I promise, no matter what, I will always be your big brother.” He pulls Harry’s necklace from under his shirt, “That’s why you have this. No matter how big you are, no matter where you are, this means that you will always be Little Li, got it?”

He nods at his brother with glossy eyes and giggles wetly.

He’s got it.

They eat mommy’s brownies after dinner, and they all tell Harry about how good they are, and how they could eat them forever, and they don’t laugh at Harry when he cries while he chews, even though he knows he looks a little funny.

•••

“Boys, there’s something that your mother and I need to talk to you about.” George slides his plate further up the table and gulps down what’s left of his water. He looks out at his children, who seem scared for him. George inhales deeply as he speaks in the exhale, “Harry will be brought in to testify on Wednesday.”

The table erupts in objection.

Harry slaps his hands over his ears, trying to remind himself he’s safe here, but he’s scared nonetheless. He claps his hands over his ears.

“It’s okay, Harry,” María says, rubbing her hand over his back. “Why don’t we all calm down a bit so that we don’t scare your brother?”

“Dad, you can’t let that happen,” Liam says, he sounds angry. Harry hopes he hasn’t made anyone angry. “He barely understands what’s going on.”

“I know, I know, the timeline for child witnesses is very small, and it’s been almost two months. The prosecutors need him there to get a conviction.”

“Harry,” George directs to him, “you are just going to talk about what The Man did to you, okay?”

“He said his mom put him in the closet,” there’s Niall, “he didn’t see anything.”

“The suspect is his stepdad, but I don’t know much else,” George cuts himself off and looks to Niall, who stares into his lap. The father set his hands on his son’s shoulder. “The therapist has all the notes from the night of the attack, so he won’t have to talk about any of that. Harry’ll act as more of a character witness.”

Liam interjects, “The stepdad won’t be there though, right?”

“No, he’ll be removed while the kids are there.”

The child lets himself get lost in his spaghetti, but Zayn draws him from his thoughts. “Harry?”

“Can I have more juice?” Is all Harry says. He can tell by the tone of his brothers' voices that he does not want to participate in the discussion. He’s had a good day,

Zayn is quick to get up and fulfill his brother’s request.

“Thank you,” Harry says.

“Kids? Like his sister’ll be there?” Niall asks.

That gets his attention, “Gemma?”

Maria tucks Harry’s hair behind his ear, nodding softly. “Yeah, Gemma’ll be there, you can see her for a little while.”

“Maybe the two of you can take the afternoon, huh?” George proposes. “We’ll go out to eat or something?”

“I wanna see Gemma!” He says. He doesn’t miss how Niall winces at his desperation, but he can’t help but to ask for her again. “I’ll see her for real?”

•••

“Hey,” Niall says to Zayn a few days later, “you okay with all this stuff going on?”

They’re playing video games while Harry draws pictures for Gemma in his sketchbook. There's so much he wants her to have, maybe he’ll ask Zayn to make another book for Harry to fill so that he can give it to Gemma.

Zayn shrugs. “At least my dad just ignored us,” Zayn says. “Harry’s killed his mom, right in front of him, and just left him there. Even my dad had enough love for us to let us sleep at my grandma’s house when he killed himself.”

“Hey, don’t compare, all right? Shit like that is hard for anyone. Plus, you like- you found him. It really fucked you up, you only started talking like a year ago. That’s not easy.”

Zayn pauses their game and with a huff, he turns to his brother.

“No, I know,” he toys with the controller, his voice shifting to the whisper Harry’s more familiar with. “I just mean, Harry’s a baby. Like, he didn’t even get a chance to remember his mom that much, ya know? I knew my family.”

“I know, I just don’t want you thinking that you haven’t overcome shit.” Niall ruffles Zayn’s hair with a smile. “I know you look at Harry and you wanna save him, I know you see yourself in him, but you gotta trust the rest of us to help the both of you. You both still have your sisters out there somewhere, don’t talk like they’re gone too, you’ll see them again. You know Maria’s looking for them.”

Niall shifts in his seat to better face his little brother, brushing loose hairs away with gentle hands. “We haven’t talked all that much about what your life before this was like, we wanna know, ya know? You’re our baby brother,” he pinches Zayn’s cheeks, and the younger boy groans around a smile. “It’s our job to take care of ya. You don’t have to do it all by yourself. Not anymore.”

Harry smiles as the boys shift their attention to their hands, pretending they don’t have red cheeks as they clear their throats.

Zayn speaks first as he stares at the television screen, “Maria and George’ll probably adopt him, just want him to be able to remember good things about her.”

“Have you decided if you’re gonna let them adopt you?”

Zayn nods, but Harry doesn’t think Niall sees it. “I just want to have a mom and dad again, you know?”

Niall starts to chew on his lip in the same way that Liam does when he’s shy- no, nervous, but Harry doesn’t know why someone would be nervous because of Zayn. He still has the scab on his hand from his talk with Louis last week, he picks at it before deciding to return to the game.

“Have you?” Zayn says a moment later.

“M’almost eighteen, they shouldn’t waste their time with all that.” Zayn’s fingers pause on the buttons, his winner’s smirk fading as he stares at the screen. “I’m about to head off to school and get outta their hair. Gone before they get too tired of me,” he laughs but Zayn doesn’t.

Instead there is a world of emotion on the boy's face. He seems confused as his eyes shift around the screen, jumping to Harry for a moment before he looks down at his own hands lax around the controller. Then he seems angry, though his eyes fill with tears. His chin wobbles as he tries to steady his breath, just like Gemma’s. As the first tear falls, he finally looks sad, devastated even, like when mommy didn’t wake up. His fingers curl, his breath quickens, his eyebrows furrowing.

Zayn pauses the game again. The smile on Niall’s face drops as he looks down to his brother seated at his feet. There’s something in the curl of his lip, and the pull of his brows that makes Harry want to cry like he knows he’s done something wrong, but he isn’t sure what.

“So when you age out you’re just gonna leave us?” Zayn says with a sob.

“I mean,” Niall starts, suddenly he can’t meet Zayn’s eyes. “S’just, ya know, y‘all’ll be free of me. Ve’been here for years, Z, no reason for me to keep bothering y’all.”

Harry can see how Zayn’s spine curls in, his hands shaking as he puts the controller down.

“You’re so stupid,” Zayn says. He tosses the control to the floor before storming into their room, walking past Harry with tears on his cheeks.

Harry looks at Niall, “you made him sad.”

Niall shrugs, but he continues to sneak glances towards Zayn’s direction.

Harry starts to cry as fear begins to buzz beneath his skin. It makes home there, even curling at the roots of his hair. Niall is quick to reach his little brother before he starts wailing. He’s weak as he tries to hold onto Harry, but when the child stumbles backward, Niall almost falls until Harry runs into his chest to hide his face.

“You’re gonna go to sleep?” Harry asks.

“Huh?”

“You’re gonna go to sleep and I’ll never see you again?”

Niall is shaking, squeezing Harry tight where they’re seated on the floor. “No, Haz. M’sorry, that’s not gonna happen,” but maybe Niall’s a liar, he talks about himself as if he is one, so Harry doesn’t know.

He does know he loves Niall very much. He knows Niall is gonna leave. He knows that Liam, Louis, and Zayn have asked him to stay, but he doesn't know that he will.

Maybe Niall doesn’t love him back, he’s a bad brother, after all, maybe Niall is the only one to really understand that.

When Harry’s set back down on the hardwood, he runs off to be with Zayn, only feeling a little guilty leaving Niall behind. He finds his brother in his bed, crying heavily into his blankets. Zayn doesn’t acknowledge Harry as he calls out to him, but he lets Harry tick Simba into his grasp, and sit at the foot of his bed.

When Niall pushes the door open he doesn’t let himself into the room, instead, he holds out an ice pack, but Zayn refuses to acknowledge him. Harry pushes himself off the bed to collect Niall’s offering.

As he nears the older boy, Harry can see that Niall’s been crying too. His pale face is blotchy and pink, his eyes lined with red. He whimpers as he speaks, “I’m sorry.” He slides back into the hall, clicking the door shut.

For a moment, it seems the world stops. Harry feels something inside him drop to the soles of his feet, his heart beating against his chest, and his throat tight. The child books between the two weeping brothers unsure of himself. As the ice begins to burn his hand he realizes Zayn is still crying.

He’s got his bracelet clenched within his fist as he sobs silently.

Harry has Simba held above him as Zayn’s breathing evens out, he notices his brother has fallen asleep.

He wishes Liam were here instead of on a date with Louis. Niall’s camp had the day off, and he told Liam to go out, but maybe this is too much for him. Liam has never made Zayn cry, and if Zayn was crying, he’d come in sit on his bed and rub his back until he fell asleep, but Niall doesn't know how to do that. Maybe he can’t do that.

Harry might be small, but he wants to take care of his brothers, and Zayn doesn't fight him when Harry pats his back like a baby. Maybe Liam will be home soon to help Niall. He hopes Liam will be home soon to help Niall.

Dinner is nearly silent as the sorrow between Niall and Zayn thickens. The only sounds filling the space are the ring of forks against the plates, or cups being placed upon the table.

“So,” Maria starts, “Is anyone going to tell me why we’re all so quiet tonight?” Yet, no one says a thing.

“Can I be excused?” Zayn asks in such a small voice Harry barely hears it from his seat next to him. It’s the first time he’s spoken since before lunchtime, even ignoring Harry and his endless questions as he drifted in and out of sleep.

“You haven’t eaten-“ She replies before realizing how labored Zayn’s breathing has become. “Baby, why don’t you put your food in the fridge for later, okay?”

The boy is silent as he puts his place in the refrigerator and they all watch him walk into his room.

Zayn still hasn’t spoken after Harry’s showered and ready for bed. Maria is tucking him into bed when she decides to speak to her silent son.

“Hey, baby,” María says in a whisper. “You’re scaring me a bit with the not-talking thing. What’s going on?”

Zayn is quick to stand from his bed and throw himself into his foster mother. He burrows into the woman, holding her tighter as he loses control of his breathing. He still doesn’t answer.

“How ya feeling Harry? Rough day for you too?” She’s got her hands playing in Zayn’s hair, smoothing down his back, anchoring him with her touch.

The child nods, “I’m sad because everyone is sad.”

“Do you know why everyone is sad today?”

He doesn’t, actually, but he does know, “Niall made Zayn cry.”

“Did he?” She doesn’t seem surprised, but she looks down at the boy in her arms and presses a kiss into his hair.

“They were playing on the tv and then Niall said something mean, but I don’t ‘member what.”

“He said he’s leaving!” Zayn cries into Maria’s belly.

Maria directs them to be seated on his bed, letting Zayn hold her tightly and keep his face hidden. “I know, baby,” she says, “but you know Niall’s just scared.”

“He’s not supposed to be scared of me.” He tugs on his bracelet, showing it to his foster mother. “Why did he get us these if he’s just gonna go?”

Maria lets the boy cry, until he asks a moment later, “Why won’t he stay for me?”

His cries are awful, and Harry chokes on his breath as he keeps himself from crying, he needs to be a big boy for Zayn. He thinks maybe he should tell Zayn it's his fault Niall is leaving. Niall’s lived there long before Harry was even born, and now Harry is here, and Niall wants to go, so it must be Harry’s fault. He wants to apologize to Zayn for making Niall leave. He wants to apologize for being a bad brother. For being a baby. For being a problem.

But he can’t find the words.

“He has to make that decision on his sweetheart, but I think even if Niall leaves this house, he’ll never leave you. I promise. He loves you so much, I know he does- we all know he does. He’s just having a really hard time, Zayn, but he’s always gonna be your big brother. Always.”

Harry watches his brother for a beat before explaining, “it’s really good to cry when you’re sad.” Liam says that and it makes him feel better. “You’ll feel better when you’re all done.”

“You are absolutely right Harry, thank you.”

He nods, matter of factly, and climbs off his bed to position Simba back into

Zayn’s got puffy eyes and boogers all down his chin when he looks at Harry. “Thank you,” he whispers, “I love you, Haz.”

“I love you lots, Zayn. I want you to cry until you feel all better, and have Simba too, he’ll make sure you sleep good, okay?”

Zayn nods, and Maria kisses Harry’s cheek and whispers thanks as Harry settles himself back into his bed.

He may be small, but Harry can be a good brother, if not for Niall, then for Zayn. He can take care of them too, and he owes Zayn. Zayn, who can use a butter knife and draws Harry's pictures, and collects Harry’s drawings to put them on the walls. Harry can take care of him too.

She lets Zayn cry until he’s ready to take a shower. And when Liam comes in later, he reads a story about The Giving Tree and lets Zayn cry in her arms until he falls asleep.

•••

He pinches at the four dotted scar on the back of his hand as his feet kick beneath him. George and Maria are seated in the front of the car, leaving Zayn and Harry in the center, and the older boys in the back. Though sandwiched by his new family, there’s fear flashing across his chest, tightening his throat. His seatbelt is too tight and his breaths don’t feel big enough for his breaths, but everyone else seems happy as they sing along to the radio. The sunlight feels so bright, the music too loud, the air too warm. He fails to keep himself from whimpering.

The car feels familiar, the rumbling road and rushed image of green, but it all feels too familiar. And when George turns around, screaming the song on the top of his lungs, Harry doesn’t laugh like Niall or groan like Liam, instead, his fingers tighten around the arms of his car seat. The man looks so much like Robert when the sun is in Harry’s eyes. With his dark hair and a short beard coming in, he traded his glasses for sunglasses, dark and mysterious. He’s singing, but Harry’s heart is beating so hard, he hears yelling, he feels fear. The laughter is replaced by the echo of his mother’s cries, the ringing of the slap across Gemma’s face. He bites his tongue to keep from crying out, apologies on the tip of his tongue. Small hands tug on the seatbelt as he quietly, and desperately, struggles to free himself.

He doesn’t know what he’s sorry for, he just is.

George is upset with Harry for singing too loudly as the radio played- no, not George, Robert. Robert was angry. Robert was angry and shut the music off, and when Zayn told him to turn the music back on, George slapped him. Wait- not Zayn, Gemma, and it was Robert. George is safe. He said so. He’ll make things worse if he cries, so Harry has to be a good boy, a big boy. But George turns around again, and the light is in Harry’s eyes, and the music is so loud. He doesn’t want to make George angry again, no, Robert, George isn’t scary, Harry shouldn’t be scared of him.

He’s sorry. He’s very sorry.

He shouldn’t have been so loud, then Gemma wouldn’t have said anything,

Zayn’s hand falls onto Harry’s arm, palm cold against the child’s hot skin. He leans to wipe a tear from Harry’s cheek, “Is it too loud?”

“I dunno!” Harry confesses. His palms against his ears are brought up so fast his skin hurts, and his panic heightens when he realizes he can’t lift his knees. A rainbow of lines appears as he clenches his eyes shut tight. “I’m sorry! I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be loud!” Sorrow comes to him so naturally, a script falling from his lips. “Gemma!”

As the car stops, there are hands-on Harry, too many for him to recognize. They’re all pawing and pulling, unbuckling his seat belts, touching his face, and he loses Simba in the sea of touch.

“No! No!” He screams.

“I know you’re worried, boys, but let’s give Harry some space,” Maria suggests, then all the hands are gone.

He doesn’t have to be scared anymore, everyone promised him that, and he believes them. He believes them, but his feelings are so big and are swallowing him whole.

The world seems to close like he’s trapped, seated in the closet, watching The Man hurt his mommy, but it feels so empty, like the time he spent waiting for Gemma to come home. But it all seems so far. He was in mommy’s arms for so long, but he’s been out of them even longer, and it’s all he wants. To be held together, smothered in her kisses, feel her heart against his. He can’t.

No, The Man came and took his mommy away. He replaced his memories of her with blood, painted her smile red, her hugs, her kisses, the lines by her eyes. Harry’s seen how Robert turned mommy’s pretty face with black and blue with his fists, seen how he’s made Gemma shake with her lips clamped together. He’s taken Harry’s voice from him now, the voice his mommy and his sister love. Robert silenced the songs Harry sang. He’s taken his mommy. He’s taken Gemma. He’s taken Harry.

He’s in the car now, he’s hiding in George’s face, his eyes, the ‘o’ of his mouth as he sings. Robert- The Man- he’s tucked himself into Harry’s new family. He can take away mommy and Gemma, but he’s made a place for himself in Harry’s life, and he’s going to fill it.

Maybe he’ll hide in Zayn’s drawings, or Niall’s songs, or Liam’s hands. No, not Liam. His biggest brother has only had nice hands, kind hands, he’s never hurt Harry. Liam won’t let Robert hide within him, he’s proven that. He tucks Simba in next to Harry every night before bed. He tickles Harry in the mornings. He makes Harry sandwiches with those hands, and cuts up his fruit, and pets his hair, and they make him and Zayn lunch, and wipe their tears, and makes sure Zayn’s blanket goes up to around his ears. Liam is good.

The other boys are still scared too, Harry can feel it. He can see how Niall and Zayn wait for Robert too or their Robert. Liam doesn’t know what it means to have a Robert, not yet.

No, but he’s hidden in Louis, in his mean jokes and rolled-up hat, he’s waiting to take Liam away too. He’s nice now, for now, but it’ll change, as boyfriends do.

He’s here. He doesn’t have to come back, he’s here with Harry, all the time, forever. But now he’s alone, with the pictures of him wielding a knife- no that was The Man, but he wore Robert’s hat, had his voice. But mommy said Robert wouldn’t find them, that they were safe.

Mommy’s not a liar.

“Liam!” He cries out.

The van door slides open, allowing for a rush of warm air to swirl around them. He feels people shifting out, then someone pulling him from his car seat. He hears the doors open and close, George, asking the boys to stay in the van.

Liam’s touch brings Harry's limitation to his body. The arm supporting his bum bounces him as the one across his chest keeps him safe. The warm smell of Liam makes Harry feel safe, and yet the boy cries harder. He wants so badly for Liam to stay good, but Harry is bad, he brings bad with him. For Liam to be safe, Harry can’t be here, he needs to go away. He belongs to Robert.

The older boy doesn’t flinch as Harry wails into his ear. Instead, Liam smooths over his back, encouraging him to “Let it all out, Haz.”

“It’s okay,” Liam tells him. Harry sobs as he holds desperately to his brother. “It’s okay. You’re here with me, and Niall, and Zayn, and mom, and dad. We’re in the car together, remember?” Harry cries into Liam’s neck, pressing his face into his skin as if trying to bring rise to LiamHarry. “We’re going to the zoo, and we’re gonna get some ice cream, and eat the sandwiches you, Niall, and mom made. It’s Harry Day, remember?”

He does.

There’s a world he remembers two, one here with Liam, the other tucked into his mommy’s arms, but they both feel so far from him.

“It’s okay,” Liam promises.

“M’scared.”

“That’s alright. We’re all right here.” Liam continues to bounce the child in his arms, “We’re all right here, and no one is gonna do anything to you, okay? Me and Niall, we’ll keep you and Zayn safe, yeah? Mom and dad’ll make sure we’re okay, that we don’t get lost, that no one gets hurt.”

Harry pulls himself back to look into his brother’s eyes, “What if you don’t want me anymore?”

The Man will come back for him, he said so, and maybe the Paynes will pass Harry off, just like Ms. Harris did. He’s reminded that he’s being punished, he’s been bad. He is bad.

“Oh, baby, that won’t happen,” Maria offers. Her hand combs through Harry’s hair as he struggles to catch his breath.

But it should. If they want to keep Liam good, keep Niall and Zayn safe, they need to send Harry away.

“Is that what happened? Did someone say we’re gonna send you away?”

Harry’s head begins to feel heavy on Liam’s shoulder, but he uses the bit of energy he can muster to shake his head. George returns with Harry’s water bottle.

“M’sorry,” Harry whispers. He frowns at the man.

“I’m sorry, Harry,” George responds with a frown of his own. “We were very loud, huh? Did we scare you?”

“You were mad at me.”

George sighs deeply, “My face was scary, huh? I wasn’t mad at you, you didn’t do anything wrong! I promise. Maybe I can take some singing classes, huh?

Harry giggles with teary eyes as he nods, feeling comforted when George laughs too.

“You did nothing wrong, Curls. Promise. I’ll never yell at you, never! And if you ever feel like I’m being scary, you can use our safeword, okay?

Once Harry’s fastened into his car seat again, he looks to Zayn, who has red-rimmed eyes of his own, and took Liam’s place in the back seat next to Niall. Liam takes Zayn’s seat, letting Harry hold his hand tight, keeping Simba locked in his fist to ensure that Harry can see him.

Harry falls asleep before the car takes off.

At the zoo, Zayn and Niall seem to make it their mission to make Harry echo the sound of every animal they come across. Though Zayn keeps himself much more reserved in his requests, Niall challenges the toddler. He beats his chest at the gorilla exhibit, scratches his armpits at the monkeys, and waddles like the penguins.

Zayn holds Harry up long enough to read him the plaque at each exhibit before he gets too tired.

Liam keeps himself at a distance, cheeks red with embarrassment as his brother attracts the attention of strangers. He takes pictures of Harry for Ruby and Nicole.

Harry learns that Ruby bought him the kitty hat he’s wearing when Liam asks Harry to meow for a video after getting whiskers painted on his face to match his hat. The dry black lines on his face make his skin-tight, but he smiles as hard as he can, fingers curled as he roars. He giggles at the video of himself. His hair frames his face under the weight of his hat, he looks more like a lion than a kitty, but Ruby sends a video of herself crying nonetheless, which Liam promises is a good thing when Harry’s eyes begin to water and his lip begins to wobble. Louis reacts with a “HaHa” bubble attached to the video, which makes Harry doubt his big brother ever so slightly.

He holds Zayn’s hands the entire walk, promising to keep him safe, even once he’s settled into the wagon. He asks Zayn to draw him the tigers and the penguins, and what his favorite animal is every twelve minutes, just in case it changes between exhibits.

Eventually, George ends up pulling Harry and Zayn in the wagon, after Zayn gets overwhelmed by the crowd of the panda exhibit, much to Harry’s satisfaction. The boy sits in his brother's lap and feeds him pretzel sticks by reaching behind and aimlessly shoving his hand into Zayn’s face until the other collects it.

During lunch, Zayn helps Harry out of the wagon with a hand full of sweaty pretzels before he and Niall go off to the bathroom. There is still tension between them. Zayn hasn't spoken to him, not really, but Niall's been doing his best to get his brother to laugh, or to smile, and Liam hasn't stepped in to take charge either. But they come back with smile on their faces and icecream in their hands for everyone. 

"I paid!" Niall yells, and Maria holds Harry as she giggles into his hairline, though he does fight to get out of her grasp in favor of Niall's offering. 

As Maria passes Harry her phone for Ruby and Nicole to coo at him, he learns that a photo of him and Niall imitating elephants has been set to her lock screen. Mommy did that. She always kept him and Gemma as the picture on her phone, she said it was to show anyone who asked about the people she loved most. He starts to cry during the call and George is quick to soothe him with water and more ice cubes.

At twelve forty-five on a Saturday afternoon, Harry realizes he has a home again.

•••

“I love you lots, Zayn. I’ll make sure I’m with you forever, promise. Then my big sister and all your sisters will meet and we’ll love each other so much we’ll make our own family.”

“What about Niall?”

“He’s gonna come too, but he’s not our sister, silly.”

Zayn laughs, and the tears and boogers on his face sprinkle onto Harry’s but the boys giggle easily. “Yeah, you’re right. But what about Liam and Rubes and Nic and Maria and George?”

“They are a family.”

“We’re supposed to be a part of it.”

He didn’t think they weren’t, but he, Zayn, and Niall are different. They’ve lost their real parents, they’ve been scared of Maria and George, they aren’t supposed to be here. The three of them can’t see their mommies anymore, they can’t sleep in their mommy’s arms, she won’t ever wipe their tears away or give them forehead kisses. They would never get to hear her say ‘I love you ever again. Liam still has that, with his mommy, and he’s been nice enough to share, but Maria doesn’t belong to Harry the way his mommy does. She only belongs to Liam.

He doesn’t think Zayn is ready to know that though, so instead his smiles at his brother and nods.

“M’just being silly,” he says, and when Zayn giggles, Harry knows he’s protected his brother from the truth.

Louis comes over again much later that day, and Harry hides, but Louis says nothing about it. Instead, Harry hears a little girl ask, “where is he?”

“Probably under the couch if you look.”

Harry presses his cheek to the cold hardwood floor, and he locks eyes with a blue-eyed girl that looks so much like Louis. Her dark brown hair fans across the floor and she smiles with missing teeth. A moment later, an identical figure pops out to stare at Harry too, except, she has more teeth.

They look nothing like Louis at all, but so much like him in their brown hair and thin smiles. Where he has blue eyes, they have brown, and their cheeks are much higher, youth still fattening their faces. Their pigtails touch the floor, but they don’t seem to mind.

“Hi! M’name’s Fiona, that's my sister Izzy,” she says, “are you Harry?”

Harry nods.

“We can’t come to play today, but Louis said he’ll bring us next time. My mommy’s waiting for us in the car.” Suddenly the horn beeps, and the little girl, with every ounce of will within her shouts, “One-second mommy! We’re talking to Louis’ friend!”

He wants to tell her he’s not Louis’ friend, he’d never be friends with Louis, but he can’t speak.

She looks to Harry again, “Will you come out next time I come to play? I’ll bring my sister! We could playhouse.”

The little boy shrugs mutely.

The horn beeps outside. “Coming!” She screams again. “We’re gonna have so much fun together Harry! Bye Bye!”

At dinner, Harry stays settled into Liam’s chest. He’s got his eldest brother’s t-shirt wrinkled between his tiny fists, and Liam is keeping a warm hand on his back.

The child has not stopped staring at Louis all night. His heart has been racing, eyes round as he watches him, lips tight. He thought he was finally getting used to Louis being around, but he looks so different tonight- so familiar, but not at all like Louis.

“I’m sorry,” Louis moans, “whatever I did, I’m sorry, Lil’ Li, please stop staring at me like that!” The table laughs, but it dies when Harry is still visibly scared.

“What's wrong, Haz?” Liam asks in a whisper loud enough for everyone to hear.

“I don’t like his hat.”

“That all?”

“The Man wore a hat like that,” he says into Liam’s ear, “and then he came and he put mommy to sleep. Is Louis gonna make you sleep?”

Liam freezes, his smile dropping as his grip tightens around Harry. The air shifts violently throughout the room. Their voices ring out in a chorus of “Liam” and “babe” and “what’s wrong” but Liam just continues to stroke down Harry’s back and

“Uh- He doesn’t- Your hat Lou, can you take it off?”

Louis doesn’t hesitate to pull his beanie off, tossing it to the floor. “See Harry? No more hat!” He says, but the child shoves his face into Liam’s neck.

“Let’s finish eating, okay?” Liam whispers, “we’ll cuddle after bath time, read you your story.”

“And Zayn.”

“Yeah, and Zayn.”

Louis is always gone before bedtime, but he still has his shoes off, and he offered to help clean up earlier, and Harry doesn’t like what that means.

“Is he having a sleepover?”

“Yeah, but he’ll be in my room. So let finish supper-“

“Potato,” he whimpers.

“Okay, okay, potato.”

Maria stands and crouches down to line herself with Harry’s sight.

“I know you’re scared, baby,” she says with a hand in his hair, “but Liam misses Louis, okay? So he’s going to spend the night, and Zayn will make sure you’re safe, right Zayn?”

Zayn nods.

“And maybe you could sleep in Niall’s room, but only if he’s okay with that.”

“We’ll have our sleepover! You, me, and Zayn,” he sticks his tongue out at the couple who smile at him.

Louis quietly offers, “I can go. This is his home, yeah? I don’t wanna make him uncomfortable.”

“Yeah, mom, and I could go to his house whenever mom. It’s not a big deal.”

“Thank you, boys, but we’re trying to show Harry that he’s safe here, even when there are strangers. So, Louis, I think you’d be helping Harry so much more if you stay.”

George leans over, his arm lining the back of Louis’ chair, “Besides, you’re one of our kids too. Your home and Harry’s.”

Louis doesn’t respond, but he stares at George with happy-sad eyes the way he always does.

After Harry’s bath, Maria has him wrapped in his ducky towel, combing through his hair before pulling the hood up. She pokes his belly, making quacking sounds, and Harry giggles, feeling clean and warm and comfortable. The lines by her eyes are gentle, honest, earned.

“You’ll have a great night with Zayn and Niall,” she says, “I’m sure of it.”

“Can we stay awake all night?”

She smiles at him, her fingers slipping past the towel and at his sides to tickle him, “you can try!”

He pulls the towel tighter over himself before running out of the bathroom with a breathless laugh.

“Just a minute, Harry!” She calls after him. “You still need your pull-up and your pajamas.”

He’s still wearing a smile on his face when he hears Louis’ voice coming from Liam’s room. The door is cracked ever so slightly, small enough for only Harry to see inside. Harry’s big brother is sitting on his bed, his hands on Louis’ waist as he stands between Liam’s legs. They look fragile.

For a moment, Harry feels that he’s been caught and his breath hitches, but Louis’ attention slips past the door, and off to the side. He wonders what would make someone as big and loud as Louis seem so small.

He watches them silently.

“Li, I just- fuck, I feel bad. I don’t know what to do. I’ve been traumatizing him this whole time? A fucking beanie is a reason he shits himself around me? I’m so fucking stupid.”

“We didn’t know, Lou,” Liam defends, rubbing his hands along his boyfriend’s sides. “so if you’re stupid, we’re all stupid.”

His efforts fail to calm Louis, who leans down to tuck his face into Liam’s neck before standing again. “I’m normally so good with kids, you know? And when Harry looks at me and he’s fucking terrified, I should’ve noticed. Maybe I’m not ready to be a teacher.”

“Hey, what? No, Louis, it’s your last year, you’re more than ready to pass the certification, and Harry’s different. He’ll warm up to you, kids love you. Just- no more beanies, okay?” The boys laugh softly. “You’re taking that Trauma and Education course, right? Why don’t you talk to your professor about ways you could get more experience with trauma victims? Or my mom might have something.”

They stare intently at each other as Louis’ eyes shift to look between Liams. He catches his lip between his teeth, the swell of it turning white under the pressure. He seems to want to believe Liam, to trust him, but Harry can see the hesitation. He blinks slowly, letting Liam’s hands drag across his kiss and press a kiss into his chest. Louis sighs dramatically, “you’re always right, it’s so annoying. Liked it better when you were asking me for help.”

“Did you?” Liam pulls Louis closer, his hands shifting from his waist to his back. He sets his chin upon Louis’ soft belly, the two smiling as Louis’ hands rise to Liam’s hair.

Louis whispers, his fingers caressing Liam’s cheeks, “I didn’t like seeing you cry, but I’m happy you were letting me know what’s happening in here.” Louis leans in to kiss Liam’s forehead.

Liam puckers his lips childishly, waiting for Louis to press a quick kiss into them to say, “I love you.”

“I love you.”

Harry watches the couple continue to supply one another with comforting touches until Liam begins to wiggle his fingers into Louis’ skin. The couple falls into bed, Liam ignoring Louis’ pleas to stop just as Maria had ignored Harry’s just moments before. It must be happy that is causing his chest to tighten. He remembers how loud he’d laugh, how loved he felt, how his mommy would giggle and become breathless as she tickled Harry just before bed. How much Gemma and she would scream with joy when he wiggled his fingers back. He wants to cry, but he’s happy. Happy that Liam can experience this, even if it’s with Louis, even if it's because of Louis.

“Harry,” Maria calls out softly. The boy feels embarrassment curl around his ears as a bashful smile spreads across his face. “You okay?”

He nods. Harry reaches up to Maria, who lifts him into her arms, and he holds her tight. With interlocked fingers just behind her neck, Harry hopes the woman feels the message the four-year-old is not quite able to express. He hopes the wet curls against her chin whisper the thanks he cannot put into words.

“Good,” she says, pressing a kiss into the side of his head. “Let’s get you ready for bed then, all right?”

Zayn and Niall don’t let Harry sleep alone for the rest of the weekend. He’s woken up with Zayn’s smelly breath in his face and laying across Niall’s chest. One night the three of them sang the only song Harry knew, his ABCs, for hours before he woke up to Zayn trying to wake Niall, who had fallen asleep in his gaming chair. The three of them piled into Niall’s bed, which allowed for plenty of space, but Zayn’s head on Niall’s chest and Harry draped across them left space for the others in the house to join. Harry hoped they would. 

He missed Liam though, who was sent off to Louis’s for the weekend by the Paynes. And Niall did too because he and Liam called each other at least twice the three days they’ve been apart. Zayn explained that Niall and Liam were rarely ever apart this long when Liam was home from school, and Harry understands. Their hearts must hurt for each other the way his heart hurts for Gemma. Even Zayn shot off messages to their oldest brother, encouraging Harry to send voice memos and glittery drawings that made Liam laugh.

He reminded them often that he’d be coming home around breakfast time on Monday, twice on Saturday, and four times on Sunday. Though Harry thinks that was to make sure Niall didn’t feel like he lost his brother.

True to his word, Liam enters the house just as George sets the last plate on the table for breakfast. While Zayn and Niall take their seats and offer a small “Welcome back” to their brother, they watch Harry run to hug Liam’s legs. They smile when Liam drops his bag in exchange for Harry. And they laugh as Harry fills Liam in on their weekend in an animated fashion, small hands expressing what his words cannot.

He’s smiling at Liam when he realizes he’s missed him like he’s missed, Gemma.

Liam nods and hums in return, asking Zayn and Niall if Harry is telling the truth, which makes the boy laugh with his head thrown back. He falls into Liam, his body against his brother’s chest, and as he raises a forkful of extra chocolate chip waffles to Harry’s mouth, the child realizes:

He loves them all just as he loves his mommy and Gemma.

He realizes that Maria and George told him the truth when they said Harry would be safe here, that his heart would start to feel better.

Between the sounds of Niall and Liam laughing as Zayn chokes on his orange juice and Maria and George scold him in concern, he knows that mommy and Gemma have a place at this table. A seat where they could all laugh and talk and be loud. Where Robert won’t throw his food away, and he can eat whenever he wants, and he doesn’t have to be afraid of anyone holding a fork in their hands, where no one has cried into their dinner. They have a place at this table where they can finish their meals, lick the plates cleaning, and ask for more if they please.

“I’m so happy!” Harry squeals and his family cheers along with him.